Podcast Summary: Kat on the Loose
Episode: FOR THE LOVE OF SEX WITH DR TAMMY NELSON PHD
Date: March 14, 2024
Host: Kat Zammuto
Guest: Dr. Tammy Nelson, PhD
Overview
In this engaging episode of Kat on the Loose, host Kat Zammuto speaks with renowned sex and relationship expert Dr. Tammy Nelson about breaking the taboos around sex, pleasure, infidelity, modern relationships, and reclaiming fulfilling sexuality at every stage of life. The conversation is candid, educational, and empowering, exploring women's sexual agency, double standards, communication, aging, open marriages, and the true nature of desire.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. The Persistent Taboo of Talking About Sex
- Kat opens by highlighting how discussing sex is still a big deal and a source of shame for many.
- [05:49] "We get dozens and dozens and dozens of questions. It's still a huge taboo subject. ...a lot of people are very ashamed when it comes to talking about sex. Is it your perception as well, after all these 30 plus years in your profession?"
- Dr. Nelson notes that across cultures, people struggle most to talk about sex with their actual partners:
- [06:21] “I’ve found that people speak the least about sex to the person they’re actually having sex with.”
- Origin of shame: Taught from an early age; difficulty even naming body parts (e.g., Oprah calling her vagina a “vajayjay”).
- [07:31] "There's a... hush hush idea about sex that is really based in shame and guilt."
- Impact of social media and cultural narrative: Sex is flagged or censored, associated with the illicit.
- [08:05] "If we talk about sex openly, they flag the account. ... they associate sex with something dirty."
2. Reframing the Conversation: Pleasure as a Birthright
- Dr. Nelson: Society teaches us pleasure should be earned, some deserve it more, and guilt is normal.
- [08:59] “Maybe we could change the conversation from sex to pleasure and start talking about how pleasure is our birthright, especially for women.”
- Double standards: Men are celebrated for sexual exploits, women are shamed or labeled.
- Kat: "If a guy goes out there and dates multiple women... he will brag to his friends. Now, if a single woman... I am labeled." [10:26]
- Women now are “gatekeepers” of sex as marriage is optional:
- [12:11] “Regardless of how people look at women, the reality is women are really the gatekeepers of sex now.”
3. The "New Monogamy" and Changing Marriage
- Dr. Nelson’s TED Talk reference: Monogamy's most difficult aspect is sexual monogamy.
- [14:25] “There’s actually studies that say monogamy gets boring for women much sooner than it does for men.”
- Surprising insights: Statistically, women cheat as much as men, and often first — they’re just better at concealing it.
- [15:03] "Women cheat first. They're just better at hiding it ...because there's been historically so much worse punishment for women for cheating."
4. Reasons People Cheat—Breaking the Stereotypes
- Dr. Nelson: It's a myth that only men cheat for sex and women for emotion; often the reverse is true.
- [18:54] “The number one reason that people cheat... is not what you think it is. ...Men actually want relationships. ...Women actually do want to have good sex. They don't want to settle.”
- [19:43] “A lot of people cheat because they want out of their relationship. They just don't know how to do it.”
5. Infidelity as Wake-Up Call or End Point
- Some affairs are relationship-ending (“can opener relationships”); others can serve as wake-up calls—in either case, openness and honest dialogue are critical.
- [20:48] “Some people cheat to get out of their marriage... It like forces their partner to break up with them.”
- But many couples can recover: “You can repair and even be better off after that.” [21:40]
6. Keeping the Flame Alive / Reigniting Sex in Long-Term Relationships
- Dr. Nelson’s 3 tips:
- Change starts with talking about sex.
- Appreciate what works—“You always get more of what you appreciate.”
- Introduce new things gradually, but don’t lead with your wildest fantasies—frame positively.
- [22:26] “Your sex is not going to change unless you talk about it. ...The secret of the universe is you always get more of what you appreciate.”
7. Fantasy, Shame, and Communication
- On sharing fantasies: It’s not about “convincing” your partner but creating excitement for both.
- [32:44] “The goal is not to convince the other person to act out your fantasy. The goal is to make it really exciting for them... find out what they want, what’s going to turn them on.”
- On sexual boredom: “It’s actually really smart not to want to have the same boring sex over and over again.”
8. Mind Reading, Assumptions & Sexual Satisfaction
- Kat and Dr. Nelson discuss the fallacy that “if you loved me, you’d know.”
- [35:18] "We think if our partner loved us, they would just know what we need. ...But if we have to tell them, then it doesn't count, right? And it's the same with sex."
- [36:02] "If you tell your partner, at least you have a 50-50 chance of getting it. But if you don’t tell them … they can’t read your mind."
9. Sex and Aging: There Is No Expiration Date
- Kat: Sex can and should get better with age. Many in their 30s/50s prematurely give up.
- [37:15] "It should get better and better and better because you know your body better."
- Dr. Nelson: Women can become multi-orgasmic after menopause; for men, sexual prowess changes but quality matters more than performance.
- [39:58] "Sex does not fall off a cliff just because you're in menopause ... many women have much better sex in their 60s than they've ever had before."
- On men’s anxiety: It’s about presence and pleasure, not permanent erections.
- [41:33] "They're not looking for you to stay hard for 24 hours...they're looking for a partner who's engaged and present."
10. Open Relationships and Evolving Ideas of Marriage
- Historical context: Marriage used to be about property and inheritance. Now, people desire honesty and options.
- [44:05] “Marriage isn’t really about morality so much as it is about integrity.”
- Open relationships require extreme communication: “The only people who are really good at this are people who can talk it to death until they’re tired of it.”
11. Infidelity Patterns: Gender Differences & Desire
- On Ashley Madison experiment: Men seek emotional validation and consistent lovers outside marriage; women pursue better sex and tend to avoid emotional entanglements.
- [48:36] “Their partners at home...got really busy and distracted, and they missed having a close relationship with someone.”
- Women: “I just want to have sex.” [49:27]
- Biggest complaint Kat hears: Married women aren’t getting as much sex as they desire.
- [50:51] “The number one sex complaint from married people … oh, he doesn't give me enough sex.”
12. Practical Advice for the Sexually Unfulfilled
- Dr. Nelson encourages:
- Learn through educational content, not porn. Podcasts and conversations are helpful.
- Often, people stop having sex because they’re just tired—not for deep psychological reasons.
- Set regular “sex dates”—consistency creates opportunity for connection.
- [52:29] “You can be as spontaneous as you want if you plan it once a week.”
- Communication—even in structured formats, such as date night card decks—sparks desire.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
-
On sexual communication:
- Dr. Nelson: [22:26] “Your sex is not going to change unless you talk about it. It's never going to happen unless you bring it up.”
- Dr. Nelson: [36:02] “It doesn't work like that. ...if you want a certain kind of sex... at least you have a 50, 50 chance if you tell your partner. But if you don't tell them ... it's not their fault, they can't read your mind.”
-
On women’s pleasure:
- Dr. Nelson: [39:36] "I'm really worried about those women who aren't having orgasms because that says that they're either faking it or they're just having sex without an orgasm, as if that's OK... You're responsible for your own orgasm. So don't settle, ladies. Don't let that happen. Don't fake it. ...If that's all the takeaway is from today's show, that's great. Don't fake an orgasm."
-
On sexual longevity:
- Dr. Nelson: [42:45] "We can have good sex well into our 80s, sometimes even in our 90s. ...there's no reason you can't have sex until your 90s."
-
On open relationships:
- Dr. Nelson: [44:05] “Marriage isn't really about morality so much as it is about integrity. ...I'm not here to judge you or tell you how to do it, but ... it's gonna work a lot better if you're honest with each other about what you want.”
Timestamps for Key Segments
- Intro to Dr. Tammy Nelson: [00:59]
- Taboo around sex communication: [05:49] – [08:59]
- Pleasure as a birthright, double standards: [08:59] – [13:13]
- The new monogamy & gendered double standards: [13:13] – [15:54]
- Why people cheat – breaking myths: [18:54] – [21:40]
- Affairs: ending vs. reviving relationships: [20:48] – [21:56]
- Rekindling sex: [22:26] – [24:13]
- Talking fantasies and what kills desire: [32:19] – [36:19]
- Aging and lifelong sexuality: [36:19] – [43:38]
- Open marriages, Ashley Madison, honesty: [43:38] – [48:36]
- Sexual dissatisfaction in marriage: [49:27] – [51:09]
- Encouragement for the unfulfilled & practical tips: [52:29] – [54:14]
Tone & Style
The tone is open, nonjudgmental, and often playful. Both Kat and Dr. Nelson use humor but don't shy away from blunt truths or addressing societal hypocrisy. They encourage self-acceptance, the pursuit of pleasure, and honest communication, aiming to empower especially women to advocate for their own sexual fulfillment.
Takeaway Messages
- Pleasure is a birthright—especially for women—and shouldn't be shameful.
- Open communication is essential for a fulfilling, evolving sex life at any age or relationship stage.
- Sexual satisfaction doesn't “expire” with age; proactive self-advocacy and curiosity can lead to better sex over time.
- Double standards remain pervasive, but women are more empowered than ever to embrace their desires and set their own rules.
- Honesty and integrity matter more in modern relationships than rigid moral codes.
- Don't settle and don't fake it. Responsible sexual satisfaction begins with self-awareness and expression.
For listeners seeking more, Dr. Tammy Nelson can be found hosting her podcast "The Trouble with Sex," her books and resources are available online, and she encourages regular, honest conversations as the key to a vibrant, lasting love and sex life.