Kat on the Loose – “FRENEMIES: A Surging Trend”

Host: Kat Zammuto
Date: November 5, 2025

Episode Overview

In this episode, Kat Zammuto explores the increasingly common phenomenon of "frenemies"—friends who disguise their rivalry, envy, or toxic behavior with faux support and closeness. Through raw storytelling and personal confessions, Kat deconstructs why these relationships are so prevalent, how the culture and social media contribute, and why women often struggle to disengage from them. She interweaves psychological insights, audience anecdotes, and her own heartbreak to offer actionable advice for recognizing and freeing oneself from frenemies, ending with a passionate call for women to uplift each other.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining the Frenemy [00:15–03:40]

• What is a frenemy?
  • A frenemy is, “someone who pretends to be supportive of you, but secretly they compete with you, they criticize you, or even worse, they drain you.” (Kat, 00:37)
  • Backhanded compliments, gossip, exclusion, relational aggression—these are the markers.
• Typical behaviors:
  • Celebrate your failures more than your successes.
  • “I’m just being honest” attitude, invalidating achievements or offering barbed compliments.
  • Silence on your successes; hyper-focus on your missteps.
  • “They remember every single mistake you make but forgets about all your success.” (01:08)

2. Why is It a Growing Trend? [03:41–08:05]

Kat summarizes expert insights:

• Increased Competition:
  • Contemporary culture and social media promote direct and indirect competition—over status, career, finances.
  • “I don’t think women should look at each other as competition. I think women should look at each other as just other women doing their thing.” (Kat, 04:12)
• Social Comparison & Media:
  • “Social media exacerbates the human tendency for social comparison… seeing others’ perfect lives can fuel insecurities and envy.” (05:16)
• Lack of Friendship Breakup Norms:
  • “There are no widely accepted norms for breaking up with a friend… so a lot of people let friendships linger in a frenemy state.” (06:10)
• Strategic Friendships:
  • Some keep frenemies around for “access to resources or social circles,” even when the friendship is toxic.
• Attachment & Self-Esteem Issues:
  • Fear of loneliness and low self-esteem often keep women from ending unhealthy friendships.

3. Personal Stories – Loss, Betrayal, and Realization [08:06–31:50]

First Story: Decades-Long Sisterhood Ends [08:06–19:55]

• Kat shares the story of her closest friend—besties since before college—who vanished in her darkest hour after Kat lost her husband and wealth.
• “When I was trying to start my life over… she basically blocked me. She blocked me from WhatsApp.” (Kat, 15:30)
• The heartbreak of losing a sister-like friend:
  • “It was tougher than any breakup; than almost anything I’ve been through.” (17:58)
• Reflection and Learning:
  • “A champagne friend… only there for the good times.”
• Result: Most of her close friends now are men; “In many ways, men are easier to deal with.” (20:35)

Second Story: The Birkin Bag & the Roommate [22:00–31:50]

• A newer friend stays on Kat’s couch for 6 months; Kat offers home, food, and luxury items with no expectation.
• The friend borrows precious items (including a Birkin bag with sentimental value), never returns some, returns others damaged.
• “She gets pissed at me because I was asking for my bag back.” (28:45)
• Friend ignores Kat’s professional achievements, never congratulates her, and refuses to acknowledge when confronted.
• Finally, Kat blocks her:
  • “I realize you’re not my friend, I realize you don’t like me, I realize you’re not happy for me, and I realize you have no consideration for me or my things.” (31:35)

4. The Psychology & Red Flags of Frenemies [32:00–35:49]

• Spotting a frenemy:
  • Disappears in your highs, reappears when you’re struggling.
  • Jokes at your expense, reveals secrets, ignores your triumphs.
  • Copies your style/ideas, shows jealousy, disregards boundaries or property.
  • “If you’re constantly second guessing yourself around someone… it’s your intuition talking.” (34:03)
• Why do women keep frenemies around?
  • Avoidance of loneliness; social conditioning.
  • Quote from Rachel Simmons: “Girls many times try to avoid being alone at all costs, even if it means staying in abusive friendships.” (35:22)

5. How to Handle & End Frenemy Relationships [36:00–39:41]

• Admit reality: Recognize and name the behavior.
• Set boundaries: Communicate your experience; don’t accept gaslighting or deflection.
• End or reduce contact: Protect access to your energy and your life.
• “You’re not being mean… you’re being clear.” (39:15)
• “Every time I get rid of somebody toxic, I meet someone incredible—someone who is a true friend to me.” (39:30)

6. Call for Positive Sisterhood [39:42–end]

• Social Media Etiquette:
  • Don’t leave toxic comments; “If you see something you don’t like, just keep scrolling… be the woman that uplifts other women.” (40:00)
  • Successful, happy women “rarely take time to leave nasty messages” online.
• Normalize Compliments and Support:
  • Kat spends minutes every day leaving supportive comments.
  • Empowerment energy builds a mutually supportive culture.
• Final Note:
  • “Don’t be that person who tears another woman down. Be the person who lifts others.”
  • “There is space for all of us to shine. Competition is unnecessary.” (Kat, 44:35)
  • “Let’s try to be more supportive of each other out there.” (44:59)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “A frenemy is someone who pretends to be supportive of you, but secretly they compete with you, they criticize you, or even worse, they drain you.” — Kat [00:37]
• “When I was trying to start my life over… she basically blocked me. She blocked me from WhatsApp.” — Kat [15:30]
• “It was tougher than any breakup… than almost anything I’ve been through.” — Kat [17:58]
• “If you borrow something like a dress or a purse, hopefully you take the dress to the dry cleaner… you thank your friend… But if you did that, offer to pay for it, offer to fix it. It’s the least you can do.” — Kat [30:49]
• “If you’re constantly second guessing yourself around someone, or if you feel this horrible vibe of disrespect… it’s your intuition talking.” — Kat [34:03]
• “You don’t need more friends. You need truer friends.” — Kat [39:15]
• “Be the woman that uplifts other women. If you see something you don’t like, just keep scrolling.” — Kat [40:00]
• “Every time I get rid of someone toxic in my life, I meet someone incredible.” — Kat [39:30]

Important Segment Timestamps

• [00:15] — Defining "frenemy" and introductory thoughts
• [03:41] — Cultural reasons for the rise in frenemies
• [08:06] — Personal story: Decades-long friend who disappeared at Kat's lowest
• [22:00] — The Birkin story: generosity, disrespect, and ending a newer friendship
• [32:00] — Red flags and psychological aspects of frenemies
• [36:00] — How to move on: boundaries and ending toxic friendships
• [39:42] — Empowerment, women supporting women, and social media conduct
• [43:30–end] — Final uplifting message and call to action

Final Takeaways

• The episode is a candid, emotional exploration of the damage frenemies cause and why women struggle to recognize and extricate themselves from these relationships.
• Kat offers actionable steps—identify, set boundaries, communicate, block if necessary.
• She ends by urging women to reject comparison, celebrate each other, and be proactive in showing support online and in life.
• Above all: “Protect your energy. You don’t need more friends. You need truer friends.” (39:15)