Kat on the Loose
Episode: GETTING THROUGH DIVORCE WITH LIFE & DIVORCE COACH ADRIANNA ONUBOGU
Host: Kat Zammuto
Guest: Adrianna Onubogu (Life & Divorce Coach)
Date: October 16, 2024
Episode Overview
In this raw, honest, and empowering episode, Kat Zammuto sits down with life and divorce coach Adrianna Onubogu to discuss the difficult path of navigating and thriving after divorce. Both women share personal journeys of breaking free from unhealthy relationships, rediscovering themselves, and rebuilding from nothing. The conversation dives deep into the emotional, financial, and practical realities of ending a marriage—addressing everything from finding the courage to leave, overcoming financial dependency, healing after trauma or infidelity, to eventually finding new love and maintaining intimacy in future relationships.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
1. Why Leaving an Unhappy Marriage is So Hard
- Kat's Story: Married for 14.5 years to a wealthy, increasingly abusive alcoholic; struggled for years to leave.
- Adrianna's Perspective: Most women "never marry the man that got away. They marry the man who they should have never married but tried to force it to work."
- The process of leaving is prolonged by love, hope for change, and fear of the unknown ([05:39]).
Notable Quote:
"Red flags turn orange, and we just choose to say no. But for me, he's gonna change. Or this. Or maybe it's me."
— Adrianna [06:52]
2. The Possibility (or Not) of Change
- Adrianna acknowledges some behaviors can change if a person truly wants to and gains self-awareness, citing her own growth between marriages ([07:41]).
Notable Quote:
"Sometimes people don't realize that the behavior they're exhibiting is bad if that's what they're accustomed to."
— Adrianna [07:41]
3. Building the Courage to Leave
- Kat: Highlights the guilt, fear, and pressure that hold people back, especially concerning kids or financial dependence ([09:57]).
- Adrianna: Emphasizes being "selfish" for self-preservation, warning that "the longer you care more about their feelings, the harder it is to recognize yourself" ([10:06]-[11:44]).
Notable Quote:
"You have to be selfish in this moment... Do you want to be able to recognize the person that you are? If you do, you have to be selfish and say, I cannot tolerate this anymore."
— Adrianna [10:06]
4. Handling Financial Dependency and Rebuilding
- Both Kat and Adrianna share hard-won lessons about never giving up financial independence—even in wealthy marriages ([13:04]-[16:22]).
- Recommending practical steps: planning, upskilling, side hustles, gig apps like Instacart or DoorDash, rebuilding savings, and re-entering the workforce.
Notable Moment:
Both describe starting over from zero—Kat lost everything, Adrianna "couch surfed for change"—and the pride in doing any honorable work to regain independence ([17:49]-[18:53]).
Kat's Empowerment Message:
"Any work, as long as you're doing it and supporting yourself, it's very honorable. Anything to rebuild."
[16:22]
5. Emotional Healing After Divorce
- Accepting what happened is paramount—"It's truly accepting what just happened" ([22:04]).
- Don't rush; allow yourself to feel grief, anger, and sadness. Time is essential in healing and rebuilding self-worth, especially for those who endured abuse or infidelity ([21:52]-[25:02]).
Memorable Admission:
"I wish he would get hit by a car. Oh my God, can he just get hit by a car?"
— Adrianna, candidly sharing the anger phase [22:54]
6. Rediscovering Joy Solo Before New Love
- Find contentment with yourself and your solo life before seeking a relationship ([25:38]-[26:10]).
- Recognize that empowerment and happiness don’t come from a partner.
- Many women feel pressure to quickly find someone else—guests argue against that impulse.
7. Dating After Divorce—Men, Women, and Readiness
- Adrianna contends divorced men can be great partners, provided they’ve self-reflected ([29:05]-[32:06]).
- Caution: Some recently-divorced men "act like teenagers," needing time before they’re ready for new commitment.
- Both agree: Look for a partner who has processed and grown from their past, not one still "playing."
Notable Quote:
"There's something about a guy who's gone through a divorce who has been able to self reflect and see both parts. Where the ex-wife went wrong and where he went wrong and can say, I don't ever want to go through that again."
— Adrianna [32:06]
8. Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity
- The path back is internal: "You have to start trusting yourself first. It has less to do with other people." ([37:48])
- Don’t put new partners "on trial" for old wounds. Work to regain confidence in your intuition and decisions ([41:26]).
- Use the past as a "blueprint" for setting boundaries and knowing what you do and do not want ([42:49]-[43:59]).
9. Sex, Intimacy, and Avoiding Roommate Syndrome in Marriage
- Both cite sexless marriages as common cause for divorce—even among people who aren’t abused ([44:01]-[45:37]).
- Solutions: Be honest and explicit about your sexual needs and frequency before marriage; don’t be afraid to initiate or voice dissatisfaction ([46:05]-[48:20]).
- Keep things fun and intentional—costumes, date nights, surprises—maintain personal grooming and continue "dating" each other to prevent the loss of intimacy ([49:23]-[51:56]).
Memorable Advice:
"Sex is a big deal for me... I will leave a relationship if I don't. I will not marry you if I cannot have good sex."
— Adrianna [46:55]
Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)
-
On recognizing and leaving abuse:
"Sometimes we stay for the kids. Sometimes we stay because of businesses. Sometimes we stay because of whatever the case might be. But do you want to be able to recognize the person that you are?"
— Adrianna [10:06] -
On financial independence:
"Even if you marry a multi-millionaire...don't give up completely. It's always a great idea to have a plan B because you never know if you're going to need it in the future."
— Kat [14:54] -
On rebuilding self-worth:
"For 15 years, you start believing that you are a worthless piece of shit, right? And it's very hard to believe again that you're not."
— Kat [20:36] -
On using your breakup as an educational moment:
"Use your breakup or your divorce as a blueprint to finding the actual love of your life."
— Adrianna [42:49] -
On sex in relationships:
"We are taught from an early age, like, don't talk about it. If we talk about it, we're labeled sluts, whatever it is. But...it's so important to put it on the table, like if you're sexual, if you like touch, whatever it is that is important to you, if you're physical, you need to explain it to your partner so you don't have the same issues that you did before."
— Kat [48:32]
Practical Tips
-
For those considering separation:
- Make a logical exit plan; line up work, housing, and support systems before you go.
- Build or rekindle financial independence—even gig work can help you reclaim agency.
-
For the newly single:
- Embrace the grieving period; don’t rush healing or "move on" too fast.
- Work on being content and empowered alone, before seeking a new partner.
- Reestablish trust in yourself rather than focusing solely on trusting others.
-
For dating and new relationships:
- Communicate sexual and emotional needs early and openly.
- Set clear personal boundaries based on past experiences.
- Keep romance alive with intention—initiate, plan fun, and practice self-care.
Where to Find Adrianna
- Instagram: @adrianaonabogu
(spelling: O-N-U-B-O-G-U) - Website: adrianamason.com
Final Empowerment Message
"There is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is another life waiting for you... Even if you think like, I'm broke or I'm going to have less money, go for it. You can rebuild, right? We are living proof."
— Kat & Adrianna [53:25]
For anyone facing or healing from divorce: you are not alone, and a more joyful, empowered life is possible.
Episode Timestamps for Reference
- 03:45 – Adrianna joins and shares her mission
- 05:39 – Why leaving is so hard
- 07:41 – Can people change?
- 10:06 – Building courage/self-preservation
- 13:04 – Financial dependency and escape planning
- 16:22 – Stories of rebuilding and gig work
- 22:04 – Accepting, grieving, and healing emotionally
- 25:38 – Finding joy solo and post-divorce independence
- 29:05 – Are divorced men the best to date?
- 37:48 – Rebuilding trust after betrayal
- 44:01 – Sexless marriages and preserving intimacy
- 46:05 – Communicating sexual needs
- 49:23 – Practical intimacy tips
- 52:15 – Encouragement & how to connect with Adrianna
Listen for real stories, practical strategies, and supportive encouragement for anyone facing the sometimes terrifying, but ultimately liberating journey out of a broken marriage.