← Kat on the Loose
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A
Guys, thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree.
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B
Zoe, this thing weighs a ton. Drew Ski, lift with your legs, man. Santa.
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A
Santa, did you get my letter?
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B
He's talking to you britches. I'm not.
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A
Of course he did.
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B
Right, Santa, you know my elf Drew Ski here. He handles the nice list. And elf, I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile you can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies, right, Mrs. Claus?
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Visit t mobile.com My guest today, Adriana Onobogo, is a life and divorce coach who helps women navigate life and love after divorce. After going through a divorce of her own, she has dedicated her life to helping women rediscover themselves, build a new life and use their divorce as a blueprint to find the love of their lives. I've been through it. I know so many people out there go through it. Or if you are in a horrible relationship, you don't see a way out. This might be the perfect episode for you. I hope her words are empowering. She's incredible. Her energy is amazing and the link to her work is also connected to this audio episode. I hope you guys enjoy it. And remember, there is always a way out and there is always a new life out there waiting for you. Don't ever, ever, ever stay stuck in an unhappy relationship. Life is too short. It's not worth it. Now that summer is over. Did you guys know that Cancun and Tulum have become the top fall destinations that Americans are eagerly search on platforms such as Expedia? And it's easy to see why. With their stunning beaches, crystal clear waters and vibrant cultural scene, these Mexican Riviera gems offer the perfect escape as the season shifts and the weather cools in the U.S. cancun and Tulum offer a warmer retreat, making them ideal for both quick getaways and extended stays. But beyond being the ultimate vacation spots, they're also prime locations for investing in vacation homes. Purchasing a property there not only gives you access to paradise whenever you desire, but it also offers a smart financial opportunity as the region continues to grow in popularity with travelers year round. And Astoma Realty is the leading expert in real estate along the stunning Mexican Riviera, offering unparalleled guidance to help you find the perfect vacation home or investment property. With deep expertise and a very dedicated, dedicated team, they ensure that every client discovers the best opportunities tailored to their desire and financial goals. Whether you're searching for a serene beachfront retreat or lucrative investment, Astamar is your trusted partner in navigating the region's real estate market. You can take a look at their website for all the listings. Astamaramar.com you can reach out to them via WhatsApp 760-429-7689 or email infostamar.com and go catch your piece of paradise in the Mexican Riviera. Adriana, welcome to Cat on the Loose.
- [03:46]
B
So much.
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A
All the way from Atlanta, right?
- [03:49]
B
Yes, ma', am, Atlanta.
- [03:51]
A
It's a huge pleasure having you here on the show. As I was telling you before we got started, I'm a huge fan of your work.
- [03:57]
B
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
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A
And I think we're going to talk about a topic today that is no joke. It's so important. It affects millions of people, not just women. Millions of people all over the world. Divorce, right?
- [04:10]
B
Yeah. Oh my goodness, yes.
- [04:12]
A
I think it's fair to say that when we get into a relationship, when we get into a marriage, we are hoping that it's forever. And unfortunately for a lot of us, I've been through it, you've been through it. It's not always the case. And I think for a lot of people, because the divorce rate in the United States is super high, right?
- [04:33]
B
It is. Very much so, yeah.
- [04:36]
A
So just for background, like rewinding a little bit for people that never listen to Cat on the Loose and maybe if you don't know my story, I was married for 14 and a half years and my husband was very, very wealthy. And as the years went by, the more money he made, the more he drank. He started drinking, drinking, drinking. He became an alcoholic and then he started being very abusive. He was extremely abusive verbally and which sometimes Is more hurtful than. Than.
- [05:06]
B
Yeah, basically, yeah.
- [05:07]
A
Than physical abuse. But sometimes he was physically abusive as well. And it took me. And a lot of people ask me, why didn't you leave? Why didn't you leave? Why did you leave? And this is going to be my first question to you. I think a lot of people who are in. In bad marriages, whether it's abusive or not, it's a process to leave. It's not easy. Right. Especially if you love someone. You keep coming up with excuses in your mind, like, oh, he's going to change for me, and I love him. It's not like you say, oh, he's an asshole. Goodbye, I'm going to leave. It's really hard, right, Adriana?
- [05:40]
B
It is extremely hard. As someone who's been through a divorce and who also coaches women who've gone through a divorce as well, I have to say that looking back, and even when I talk to my clients and they're reflecting, most of the women who've gone through divorce that I've met, they've never married the man that got away. They married the man who they should have never been married to. But for some reason, they tried to force it to work. A lot of it has to do with us leading with our hearts.
- [06:13]
A
Yes. Yes. I think it was my case, like, especially because I was very young. I got married very young, like in my early 20s. And I remember now looking back, I think I was crazy inexperienced. I was always a slow learner. I think to this day, I'm finally becoming a little more mature. But looking back, I remember I used to always say that in my mind, like, oh, but he loves me. He's going to change for me. He's gonna change for me. He loves me. I think a lot of women do that. We make excuses for our partners, right. Because we think they love us and they're gonna change for us.
- [06:52]
B
Yeah, we do. We have this wishful thinking. We go blind, red flags turn orange, and we just choose to say no. But for me, he's gonna change. Or this. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm asking for too much, or maybe I'm being unreasonable. And eventually we get to a point where we're like, I'm not crazy. This isn't going to work.
- [07:14]
A
Yeah, but does that. Do you think that ever happens? That whatever it is, like, I'm not saying. In my case, of course it was abuse. And I don't believe. I think if somebody calls you names and they apologize and they do it again and again and again, I don't. I don't think that's a cycle that can be broken, at least in my case. But do you think in general someone's behavior can be changed or that's like a huge waste of time?
- [07:41]
B
I believe it can be changed. One of the reasons why is because I am the product of having to change my own behavior. Because sometimes people don't realize that the behavior that they are exhibiting is bad behavior if that's what they're accustomed to. I feel like it does take you respecting either yourself or someone else enough to actually reflect and see how you could be doing something wrong to then say, you know what? Okay, I didn't think this was a wrong thing. Everyone I know does this. This is normal. But this person keeps saying that I'm hurting them when I do this. So I have to choose to change that behavior. Or I can make excuses and say, well, this is just how I am. I feel that when people mature and they really meet someone that they respect, even if they respect that other person more than they respect themselves, something prompts them to say, I need to change my behavior. I am remarried, and I can guarantee you that my first husband will probably describe me very differently than my second husband.
- [08:53]
A
I have not remarried yet. I have not found my right person.
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B
But that.
- [08:58]
A
Hold on, we're going to get there. We're going to get there. But first we're talking to the people who are still in unhappy relationships, because I know there's so many, and I know a lot of them stay in these unhappy relationships because they don't gather the famer, famous courage to get the hell out. Like I was saying, for me, it was a process that took me many, many, many years, so many years to say, finally, you know what? I cannot take this anymore. I don't care about the money, I don't care about my family. I don't care about anything. Like I told you I was with, I. I put up with it for 14 and a half years. And I know there are a lot of people. I get messages from people from all over the world, men and women, they put up with marriages for 20 years, 25 years, and they're like, oh, you know, I don't know where to go. I don't know how to say bye. I have the guilt trip to. So if anybody out there listening that they literally cannot take it anymore, but they don't have the courage. Do you have any suggestions, like, in terms of what would be a first step or how do you get. How do you build it Up.
- [10:07]
B
Yes. I struggle with this as well. And I was lucky enough to be able to end it before it got worse. But I could see it getting to that point, but it was still very difficult for me to do that myself. And I remember going through the process similar to you, I'm sure of thinking all these things and going back and forth. I had kids, you know, I established a certain type of life. I was trying to do the things. So I would tell someone who is really sure that this is a situation that cannot be fixed. I would tell them, would you rather be in a position where you are worse off, where you cannot recognize yourself, or would you rather cut your losses now? Because all that's going to happen is you're going to build more memories, there's going to be more pain. It makes it more difficult the longer it takes you to go. So you have to be selfish in this moment. And whether you're a man or a woman, you have to be selfish. Sometimes we stay for the kids. Sometimes we stay because of businesses. Sometimes we stay because of whatever the case might be. But do you want to be able to recognize the person that you are? If you do, you have to be selfish and say, I cannot tolerate this anymore because I won't be able to recognize myself. The journey of getting back to yourself after however long it takes you to leave is going to be much more difficult. The longer you care more about their feelings, then you care about your own.
- [11:45]
A
And I think I'm gonna be honest with you, my opinion, I don't even think it's being selfish. I think it's self preservation.
- [11:53]
B
I actually, I can agree to that. But I don't see how some people might only be able to associate it with being selfish. Yeah. If they're so used to being selfless.
- [12:03]
A
Yeah.
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B
So it's like, okay, this is a good time to be selfish.
- [12:07]
A
And like you mentioned, if you have kids. I didn't have kids. It was literally just me. But like, in your case, you did have kids. Obviously, a lot of people say, I have kids. And then of course, it makes it a million times harder to leave. And the financial burden, especially when it comes to women, so many women make the stupid mistake. I made a stupid mistake. I stopped working because he convinced me he didn't like me to work. He convinced me to be more and more dependent on him. He was very possessive. Now, looking back, I realized that. And for 14 years, I barely worked. So, yeah, I was scared, you know, a little bit. I was. Although I always loved working, But I know A lot of women are home, taking care of their kids, raising their kids, and they're like, okay, I want to leave, but where am I going to go? What am I going to do? What do they do in this situation?
- [13:04]
B
Honestly, this is something that I talk to my clients about who are in transition a lot of times. Most of the women that are in transition literally go through everything you just said, down to the kids not working, but having experience, but years before, and they don't know what to do. My best recommendation is to plan. This is not something that you can do out of emotion now. This is planning for your life and your livelihood. You have to really think about, okay, I'm gonna leave, so what is it that I need? What? What, How? How am I going to live? There are some women who are able to start doing things while they're within the marriage to prepare themselves financially, as in sprucing up their resume and getting themselves back out there, talking with friends, starting to go connect and do more meetings and things like that, starting a business on the side. Some of the women that I coach and teach, I teach them how to start a virtual call center business so that they can work for themselves at home. And that's something that I also did as well as I became a single mom with three kids going through that transition. You can't act on emotion as much as you might want to in this situation. This is the true time to be logical about your livelihood, especially not just yours, but your kids, if you have them as well.
- [14:32]
A
Oh, my God. I totally agree. And hoping for me, I'm a podcaster that I highly, highly try to empower women to be financially independent. And this is why I talk about my mistakes of letting go of my career and depending on my husband. I hope that women out there listening to us don't do it. Even if you marry a multi millionaire.
- [14:55]
B
Not worth it.
- [14:55]
A
Exactly. Don't give up completely. Like you said, even if you have to work from home, a side job, an online business, a side gig, it's always a great idea to have a plan B because you never know if you're going to need it in the future, right?
- [15:13]
B
Absolutely. I don't care if you instacart. That was something I instacart. I doordash.
- [15:19]
A
Oh, my God. Same.
- [15:21]
B
I did all of it just to have some type of control over my life again and my finances, because I was a woman that worked, but I watched my life and livelihood dwindle in my marriage and I was like, wow, how did I get here? I don't have anything anymore. I need to start rebuilding. Luckily, I bought my home when I was 21 years old, so prior to me getting married. So when it was all said and done, I did still have my home, that I could at least say, at least I got something and I'm able to work some things out. But Instacart was my best friend because I needed to see money coming in. I needed to figure out, what can I do. I have three kids, so I agree. My husband is a software engineer and has made great money, but that has nothing to do with me. Like, I. I've always been the type of person that wants to have my own, especially because life happens, whether it's divorce or whatever the case might be, as women, we have to be able to take care of ourselves.
- [16:22]
A
Oh, my God. And I love that you're putting it out there and you're being so honest, because I am like you and there is no shame in my game. I have college degrees, I always worked, I speak many languages. But once I got divorced and my husband passed away, my life turned upside down. And I'm not kidding you, I lost everything I had. I literally left with nothing. Like, I had no money in the bank. I lost all my assets. I lost, like, the clothes off my back. And I'm like, okay, I gotta start over and say. And I'm. I was probably a little luckier because I didn't have kids, I had dogs. But I'm like, I did the same thing. I didn't do the car, but similar. Like, doordash, pants, sitting, you name it. Every gig that people would throw at me, I was like, you know what? I'm so grateful. I'm not embarrassed to say it at all. Why? Because I think any work, as long as you're doing it and you're supporting yourself, it's very honorable, right? Anything to rebuild. I mean, we're not stealing. We're not. We're not doing anything wrong. And I want to empower women out there because believe me, Adriana, sometimes I get messages from women that they tell me, oh, you know, I'm getting beat up, or this guy's abusing me, but he's paying the bills. Where am I gonna go? And I like stories like mine and yours because we are proof that there is always something out there that you can get to pay your bills.
- [17:50]
B
I thousand percent agree. And I could care less how I looked when it came to me doing Instacart. I found peace in doing things like that.
- [18:02]
A
I found exactly.
- [18:03]
B
And you know, I really think it also has a lot to do with perspective, because I was definitely at a very low, low to where I'm couch surfing for change and I'm someone who had her degree and I bought a house and I did all these things, and then my life, it was like, what the hell? Like, what? What happened? Yeah. I chose to have the perspective. When I started doing Instacart and Doordash and Uber Eats and all those things, I would deliver things to people's homes and I would see beautiful homes and say to myself, I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'm going to get to that point I love by myself without anyone having anything over my head or feeling like they could say, I did this for you. I'm going to get back and be better than I was before, and I'm gonna get to where someone is delivering me.
- [18:54]
A
That's the spirit. I love it because I was the same. Like a few years ago, I remember walking around even.
- [19:01]
B
Yeah.
- [19:01]
A
Because I live in Beverly Hills and I was literally living on an Airbnb. And at one point I thought I was gonna end up homeless because I was running out of money. I didn't have a job, I didn't have any money, no family, no friends, nothing. I'm not kidding you. And I remember looking around, same thing around Christmas time, and I saw those people and I'm like, you know, I don't know how the. Pardon my French, I'm gonna do this, but I'm gonna have a home again for me and my dogs. And I think that's very empowering when you figure out you can do it. So I. I like that. That's a beautiful message. Anybody out there listening? If you are going through a bad relationship, there is always a way out. And you never know what's on the other side. Because look at you today. You are happily married, right. And you have an amazing life, amazing career. You turn your life around. And same for me, I'm not happily married yet, but I'm doing everything that I love. And we are proof that we can turn. Turn things around.
- [20:00]
B
It's possible. I don't care what any other podcast social media airwaves have to say. It is absolutely possible. And I will say, although your situation is crazy and traumatic, I'm really glad that you didn't have kids with him. Oh, my God. I'm really glad that you were able to really start over.
- [20:22]
A
Yeah.
- [20:23]
B
Because one of the very difficult thing is starting over and having the reminders through your kids. And they have their actions and, you know, so many different things. I'm so glad that you were able to preserve that part of you.
- [20:37]
A
Oh, my God. Yeah. And so that's now turning the page. That's the next thing we're gonna talk about once you do leave the marriage. Okay. Like, me and you and so many people out there, we live broken, right? Like, I was in a million pieces in my case. I was told for 15 years that I was a useless piece of. No joke. I used to write a diary. And like, now sometimes I read the diary pages back. Like, the words he used to describe me, like, think about all the most horrible words like you can think of. I was called. And for 15 years, you start believing that you are a worthless piece of shit, Right? And it's very hard to. To believe again that you're not. That you're capable of doing things. And like many women, they leave marriages broken for different reasons. Some women get cheated on.
- [21:30]
B
Yep.
- [21:30]
A
Or, man, let's talk about men as well, right? Men get cheated on and. Or for whatever reasons, you know, you leave a marriage broken trust or whatever it is, and then we feel shattered. So those first steps are really, really hard. So that's a tough question, but you tell me if there's an answer. How do you pick up the pieces? How do you.
- [21:53]
B
Yeah.
- [21:53]
A
Any words of encouragement? Maybe somebody out there is going through this now, Okay, I got divorced, but I am so, so heartbroken. How do I pick up the first pieces?
- [22:04]
B
I would absolutely have to say that the first thing to do is so gonna seem so simple, but it's truly accepting what just happened. It's accepting it. A lot of times when things like that. When we go through things like that as women, and I'm sure men experience this too, we try our best to avoid feeling everything because we don't know what that's going to do to us mentally and emotionally. So we kind of dive into work, right? We dive into something to keep us from having to focus on what just happened. But that actually prolongs our ability to just heal and grow and actually start picking up the pieces. When you act like there are no pieces to pick up, it caused a much more difficult experience for you to move on. I highly suggest accepting the reality, accepting that this just happened, that's it's real, and be vulnerable with how that makes you feel. If you're angry. I can't tell you how many times in my mind I was like, I wish he would get hit by a car. Oh, My God, can he just get hit by a car? I was so angry. I was so upset. I was also very sad. Yeah, I was also frustrated.
- [23:25]
A
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- [24:47]
B
Not just for me, but for my kids. Because I, I told myself, I thought we were supposed to have this two parent households. I thought all of the things that you start thinking about, everything go through that process. The longer it takes you to go through that process, the longer it will be for you to heal.
- [25:03]
A
Yeah. I think as cheesy as it seems, I think it's time, right? Time heals. I think sometimes people rush into other things or they think it's an overnight process. At least for me. It took me many years, like many years to get over it, get used to it and realize that, you know, I'm completely happy on my own. Which I think is a big important part of the process that a lot of people forget. Right. So many people are so dependent in relationships. They forget that you need to be completely happy on your own.
- [25:38]
B
You do, right?
- [25:39]
A
I think that's very empowering, at least for me. The day that I realized that I am so, so happy with my life and my projects and my dreams was the day that I was like, you know what I'm proud of myself. I made the right decision for myself. And I. I think a lot of women, I. I see women more than men because women, when they get divorced, they're like, oh, my God, what am I going to do? I need to find another partner. Do you see that a lot?
- [26:03]
B
Yeah. Yeah. Men have no problem that I know.
- [26:06]
A
Guys are like, oh, yeah, I'm going to enjoy my life. Yeah, I'm free.
- [26:10]
B
I have no problem with that part. It's. You know, what it is. As women, when we go through something, a lot of times we really feel it, and we take the time to process it. It's only when we try to do the opposite and honestly act like a man and try to be detached, to try to do all the things like a guy or like we think guys do, where it makes it just not natural. But I feel in our core, when we feel something, we feel it, we process it, and it takes time. I know a lot of my clients will ask me, well, how long should it take for me to baby gain or to do this or to do that? And there's no set time limit. But what I will say is that when you start realizing that your life is not over and that you can do this on your own and by yourself, it does give you a completely different sense of, like, empowerment and feeling strong again and being able to trust yourself again and knowing that you got this, it didn't destroy you. It was never going to destroy you. And it turns you into a better version of yourself because the wisdom that you gain from going through something like that, you are less likely to make the same decision again if you work through what just happened to you.
- [27:26]
A
Hopefully we're going to make a smarter decision with the next partner. Right? I know. Maybe I am so picky, so picky, so picky that I can't make a decision. I don't know. I don't know. Hopefully one of these days I will. But I saw that you wrote something on your social media a while ago that piqued my interest. You wrote that divorced men are the best men to date. Yes, but wait. That's my question. Okay, I. I think it. It could be true, but right after they get divorced, I think they need a longer period of just having fun. And I tell you, like, my experience, two years ago, I started dating someone that. He told me he was going through a divorce, and he looked me in the eyes and he was like, I'm very ready for another relationship. That's it. You're the girl for me. And he was so certain, he reassured me so, so much that I believed him, you know, although I wasn't even sure if he was the guy for me. But he seemed so certain that although the red flag, like, ah, he's still going through a divorce. And sure enough, a few months into it, he was like, ah, that's not what I want. He was still on bumble, you know, playing the. He was, yeah, he was still playing, having fun with all the girls. So I think men usually need a longer period of feeling free once they go through the divorce than most to women before they're ready. Do you agree?
- [29:05]
B
I think it depends on the man. So I definitely agree based off of the type of guy that he was. However, I've met a lot of guys who they've gone through a divorce. My husband is also a divorcee and he was a ready made husband. He was so accustomed to being a husband, he couldn't help it. However, there were things that he did still need to work on, such as I, that I think no matter how much work you do on your own, because when I met him he was in therapy because of his divorce. But there's so much work you can do on your own before you're really challenged with, okay, so what are you going to do now that you met someone? How are you going to put it to the test? Are you really trigger free or are there things you still need to work on now? There were definitely things that he still needed to work on. However, his ability. It was very clear to me that he was one of those guys that he was married for so long that he didn't know how to be anything besides a husband. And I met other men that were like that too. They were just like, where are they?
- [30:17]
A
Are they only in Atlanta?
- [30:20]
B
I met him on a dating site. I actually met him on a dating site. Yeah.
- [30:24]
A
But in Atlanta. He's in Atlanta. Yeah. Okay, well, maybe I have to move to Atlanta.
- [30:32]
B
I was very surprised. But I will agree with you that when men go. In my opinion, men and women take divorce differently. And I think it has a lot to do with whatever it is that we lose during the divorce. So I happen to be a woman who owned my home, so I did lose a lot of things, but I didn't lose everything. Sometimes men lose almost everything, including the house they live in.
- [31:02]
A
Yeah.
- [31:02]
B
And the money they work so hard for. And sometimes even their kids.
- [31:05]
A
Yeah.
- [31:06]
B
They lose a lot. So their pain is the little. It's like it transfers differently than it does for us because it's less likely for a woman to have to take care of a man after divorce than it is obviously for a man to take care of a woman. So they end up having different things that they really have to work through and be intentional about. But I will say that after that, depending on the type of man he is, I still think divorced men are the best type of men today, depending on what you're looking for. Because I have kids. I. I refuse to date a guy that didn't have kids. I wanted him to have gone through a divorce so that he could be on the same level as me mentally and understanding what I value. I met a lot of guys, I met 90% of guys that didn't have kids and they thought I was crazy when I told them, you're amazing, but I'm not gonna give me babies. I refuse to have three. My first.
- [32:05]
A
Yeah, that's enough, right?
- [32:06]
B
Yeah, it's too much. I can't do it. So I just. In particular, I was very particular about what I wanted. And there's something about a guy who's gone through a divorce who has been able to self reflect and see both parts. Where the ex wife went wrong and where he went wrong and can say, I don't ever want to go through that again, but I want a partner. So I'm going to do whatever it takes to never go through this again. It makes it easier in my opinion as a second wife. Oh my God.
- [32:38]
A
No, I totally agree. But let me tell you, you found a diamond in the sand.
- [32:42]
B
Oh my goodness. I had to work with him because.
- [32:46]
A
Most guys like nowadays this middle aged dud dudes are getting divorced and they are acting like teenagers again and they want to play like the bumble. They order people like doordash pizza. Oh my God. Look at all these girls looking at me. Yeah, it's. I'm telling you, it's very hard.
- [33:04]
B
Very hard. Tim. I was like, hey, don't you want to. You probably want to go play, right? You're married for so long. He was like, no, I want a wife. I was trying to be his friend because I was like, I expect you will do your thing because why don't. They're divorced. I'm like, yeah, I wanted to do my thing. I don't want to. I want to have freedom. So I can imagine maybe you feel the same way too. He was like, do I look like I wanted.
- [33:27]
A
Does he have a twin brother by any chance? Keep an eye out for me, okay. If you find another good one because I'm telling you that he's very rare, very rare.
- [33:41]
B
Oh my God. We're 10 years apart. So he's 40 and I'm 30.
- [33:45]
A
I'm going to send these dudes for you to coach because they need a lot of coaching out here.
- [33:49]
B
Yeah, I'm here. What I do.
- [33:55]
A
Oh my God. Let's take a really quick break and talk about a problem that I know most of us have. Especially after super crazy long work days. Puffy eyes, dark circles, eye bags, tired looking skin. And this is why I partnered with Marie Marine. And now I am madly in love with this brand of collagen, eye gels, collagen and hyaluronic acid face masks. They use ocean sourced natural ingredients such as pearl extract, algae extract, everything science backed, everything sustainably formulated which is so important. Ethically and responsibly sourced. This USA brand really, really, really works. I use my face masks every Sunday and I have fantastic skin all week long and when I come home super tired I put the eye masks at night and I wake up with fantastic, fantastic skin. I invite you to check it out. You can buy all of their products right on Amazon. It is spelled Mary M a R E or right on their website. I am a R E e dot com. Check it out. I fell madly in love with everything they do. I truly believe one of the most important things we learn as we're getting older is how important it is to put ourselves first and really invest time in taking care of our bodies, mind, soul and of course our health which is our most precious asset. So women everywhere, this message is for you because my brand new sponsor Winona W I n o n a is here to help all of us out there who are dealing with menopause and perimenopause. Winona is a collection of ob GYN health professionals who believe that your symptoms are important, real and deserve to be taken seriously. Winona is the home for physician prescribed bioidentical hormone replacement therapy with an easy to use network of doctors based out of your state who can make getting started with hormonal replacement therapy a breeze. Why? Known as bioidentical hormone replacement therapy is made from plant based hormones rather than synthetic which is something so important to me and I noticed so many of you out there. So it aligns with your body's natural rhythm to offer relief from hot flashes, weight gain and other uncomfortable symptoms that so many of us have felt before. 80% of women who use Wiona find relief within just 90 days. How great is that? Visit. Today to start your free visit with free US Shipping and the ability to pause or cancel anytime your path to wellness has zero obligations, make sure you use code Kat K a t@byynona.com for 25% off your first order. Wynonna. Menopause and perimenopause Care made.
- [37:12]
B
Easy.
- [37:12]
A
We love that. Let's talk about a tough one. Like the people that get divorced because they were cheated on. I know that's like, ouch, right? That hurts so much because that's like, broken trust. And. And I'm not an expert, and I get this question all the time from people that listen to the podcast they send me. How do I trust again? They like, cat, all men are pigs. All women cheat. Like, I'm never going to trust again. How do you trust again? How do you mend that broken heart from.
- [37:45]
B
From.
- [37:46]
A
From, you know, being cheated on?
- [37:49]
B
You know, you actually have to start trusting yourself first. It has less to do with other people. But what you don't want to do is put people on trial for things they didn't do. You cannot label everybody because of something someone else did, Especially if there's any part of you that feels like you should have never been with them in the first place. It's not fair. It's not fair to say or make your mind believe that, you know what? Everybody's like this because I took a chance on this person that I never should have been with, but I gave them a chance anyway, and now I'm going to label everybody just like them. It's less to do with the person that cheated and more to do with your ability to recognize that it has nothing to do with you. Their actions had nothing to do with you. However, you have to be confident enough in yourself to be able to still trust your ability to choose people and make good decisions. It starts from there. If you can't make good decisions about yourself, if that experience has made you second guess everything, you have to work on your ability to be able to trust yourself in making simple decisions. Because you'll never be able to trust anyone else if you don't mend the relationship you have with yourself.
- [39:03]
A
Oh, my God, I love them. I'm actually gonna have. One of my best friends is going through this because they were not married, but they were engaged. And he didn't even cheat. Like, he emotionally cheated. Like, you know, texting some girls, and the fiance broke up the engagement, and now she's like, I cannot trust you again. I cannot trust you again. I cannot trust you again. I think it's more her Issues than his issues. Right. You gotta. You either decide you trust someone or you don't.
- [39:29]
B
Or you don't. Yeah. Right.
- [39:31]
A
It's like you have to make that decision. And I think that's my opinion, of course. Being cheated on, I think it's horrible. Horrible. I'm like, I'm one of them. I'm loyal like a puppy. When I'm with someone I don't know. I love loyalty. You know, I. That to me, that's top of on my list. I. I despise lies and all this bs. I don't have time for that. So. Yeah, it's heartbreaking when you hear, like, somebody cheating and living this double life. It's disgusting. And I'm sure it's very painful to get over it, but I think because one person cheats on you, it's. It's not fair to say that everybody is a cheater. Right?
- [40:08]
B
Right.
- [40:09]
A
I think, like, if you're in. If you break up a marriage because somebody cheated on you, and then you say, oh, I'm never gonna be married again, all men are pigs or all women are sluts, you're basically letting the cheaters win the game.
- [40:22]
B
Yes. Oh, my goodness. I teach that to my clients who want to. It's like when something happens and I get it, they go on this almost like, hate train of men.
- [40:33]
A
Yeah.
- [40:33]
B
And I let them get it all out. And then I'll say, but you want a husband, don't you? I mean, yeah, I do. Okay, so if you met a good guy today, you wouldn't even be able to recognize him because you're looking through the lens of the person that hurt you. So let's be real. You can feel how you feel. It's valid and understandable. But what's the end goal? Do you want to get married one day? And I'm someone that had severe trust issues. After my divorce, I went on a date with a guy, and he was like, I could tell you're guarded. I said, I am. I don't trust anything to come out of your mouth because y' all just lie. I'll just be lying. I know for a fact if I was like that when I met my husband, he would have been like, I don't have time to play with.
- [41:16]
A
But how do you get over that? Because, like you said, a lot of people are like that. They're like, I can't trust. I can't believe anything you say to me because I've just been hurt. How do you get over that?
- [41:27]
B
You have to take the leap with yourself. In order for me to get through that tough pat, tough patch, I had to start trying to practice trusting and listening to my intuition in the first place and stop going against it on simple things. Things that has nothing to do with relationships. When it gets to the point where you feel like, yeah, I made a decision, I stuck by that decision. I believe in myself. I trust myself. And then you start meeting people you have to make the decision of, is it worth me accusing them of something they didn't do, putting them on trial for something they have no clue of, what I've gone through and scared them away, or should I give the benefit of the doubt and then put the blockers up when someone gives me a reason to? You don't just start with being a bulldozer.
- [42:22]
A
Yeah.
- [42:22]
B
Like, it doesn't work like that.
- [42:26]
A
I completely agree with you. And I like that you said that we have to do the work. You know, don't blame. Don't. Don't decide that everybody sucks because one person. And I always say that, like, when you get your heart broken if you decide, like, oh, I'm never gonna try this again. It's too much work. Okay, you're letting this one win the game. You know, don't let that. Don't give up on love. Yeah. Never, ever, ever.
- [42:49]
B
No, you should actually use your breakup or your divorce as a blueprint to finding the actual love of your life. Yeah. And it's easy to do. Most people would rather not. Because it's like, every time I think of this person, I just think of everything they did to me that's good. Think about what they did. Think about whatever it is that they did that made them think you were okay with them doing it. Let's, like, really dive into that and think about, why did they think it was okay to do this to me? How can I make sure whoever I meet do not get that impression that they can do this to me? Because I have control over how people say things to me and handle me. So what can I do to prevent the things that I didn't like here that I've learned that I don't like, that I may have accepted because of how I felt about this person, but how do I make sure that I take all of that experience and I use it to my advantage with the next person to say, I know that I don't like this, this, this, this, or this. This is a deal breaker for me. This is what I like. This is what I don't like because of X, Y, Z. And then you Use that and let them decide, well, do I want to deal with her because she has boundaries. If they don't want to, you just saved yourself.
- [43:59]
A
They're not your person.
- [44:01]
B
Exactly. It's that simple.
- [44:03]
A
I love that. Before we run out of time, I have one more really important one, and that's probably a tough one. A lot of the men that I go on dates with, a lot, and a lot of my guy friends and a lot of the women I talk to around L. A. That, that decided to pull the plug on their marriages, that they are the ones that made the decision to get divorced, they tell me that the reason why they did it is because they ended up being like roommates with their partner. Like, they ended up having like a sexless marriage and they got sick of it and they don't want that to happen to them. So this is the question. And I agree. Because my marriage, other than the abuse, you know, my husband was an alcoholic. We barely had sex for 15 years. It was very rare. I'm not a cheater. I never ever cheated on him. But I love to have sex. I'm a very sexual person and I really missed it in my marriage. So, yeah, on my next relationship, I always tell the guys that I date, no pressure. I want to have a lot of sex. If you don't like to have a lot of sex, next.
- [45:05]
B
Yeah.
- [45:07]
A
And all these guys that I date, they say the same thing, like, I don't want to be married. So I got divorced, I pull in the plug. So is there a way? How do you avoid, how, you know, not have not having the same problem in the next marriage? Because let's face it, every relationship after the honeymoon phase, after the first few years, I mean, you know, you're not gonna be hot and heavy every day. You're gonna be tired, you have kids, you have issues, you have stress. La la la la la. Do you have any suggestions, any ideas how you keep the fire going?
- [45:38]
B
Yes. Let me tell you, what you just said was my experience as well. So when I met my. My now husband, I told him I was very sex deprived. So it is very important for me to have somebody who likes sex just as much as I do. Of course, that was music to his ears because he was like, yeah, that would be awesome.
- [45:58]
A
However, but wait, in the beginning, all the guys say that, right? It's music to their. They do, they get lazy.
- [46:06]
B
But we had to have. I had to really have conversation with him about how severe, like, not having it was for me. I explained that I am not the type of person that ever wants to cheat on my partner. And I don't want to be put in a position to where that will happen. But because of what I didn't get in my last marriage, I'm going to let you know now that X amount of times a week is what I'm striving for. And if it's too little or too much for you, you need to really let me know. I'm not saying that there won't be times where of course you get busy and things like that, but sex is a big deal for me. And I need to make this clear because I will leave a relationship if I don't. I will not marry you if I cannot have good sex.
- [46:56]
A
I love that.
- [46:56]
B
And I was just very honest and we had a very authentic conversation about that because I told him, I know as. As a woman, men may not know that we like sex as much as we do because we've kind of been taught that these are not things you really talk about.
- [47:12]
A
Yeah, it's such type, right? Yeah, it's this.
- [47:15]
B
It's this taboo, secretive thing that only men enjoy. And I told him I have a high sex drive for a woman. And because I do, I want someone that can keep. I'm not saying this because I want to have sex with you right now. Might have to give that disclaimer. But I'm saying this because not having enough sex will cause me to leave the relationship. I will leave you before I cheat, but I want to let you know that if I don't get what I'm looking for in this area, this relationship will not. It won't go far. And he felt the exact same way.
- [47:47]
A
I love it.
- [47:48]
B
So because of that, we were able to have authentic conversation about the severity of this will be a problem in a relationship. Is this something that we can really both say, like, I agree this is what we need to make sure we do. We cannot do once a month or any. That's too crazy. We have to really be on the same page. And we were aligned in that the conversations are so important. So I suggest women and men to just be comfortable having conversations about sex, but not about having sex, if that makes sense.
- [48:20]
A
Yeah. No, I love that you're saying that because like I said, it's such taboo. We are taught from an early age, like, don't talk about it. If we talk about it, we're labeled sluts, whatever it is. Yeah, but I completely agree with you.
- [48:33]
B
It's.
- [48:33]
A
It's so important to put it on the table, like if you're sexual, if you like touch whatever it is that is important to you, if you're physical, you need to explain it to your partner so you don't have the same issues that you did before. And I love that you're empowering women to talk about it because it's the same thing that I do. It's not man, just men that care about it.
- [48:55]
B
No, I love it.
- [48:58]
A
And you guys better do it. Otherwise we will leave you and dump you. We will leave and just go, go.
- [49:04]
B
Deal with someone else that can do it. I, I, at that stage of my life, I was, I'm too young. Yeah. To be having these problems and keep this park going.
- [49:13]
A
Right. Keep do date nights and all that good stuff. You got to keep dating each other even during the marriage. Right. You can't get lazy just because you get married. Right.
- [49:23]
B
I completely agree. And one of the things I want to touch on with, with what you asked about, like keeping things spicy, keeping things going. Like, we, my husband and I are busy. We have a blended family of five kids, three that are with us most of the time. He and I, we work from home, but we do a lot of things where sometimes we don't get to just have moments and things like that. I take it upon myself because I've learned him, I've learned what he likes. So I've had to learn that I don't necessarily have to wait for my husband to initiate. I can initiate these things. I love a tip. I love buying costumes. Like, I love buying like maze outfits. I love wearing really like cheerleader outfits and doing really like distracting things in front of him while he's working. I naturally like to do that. And it's a bonus when it ends in a fun time. So it's like, just don't be afraid to do things yourself instead of maybe waiting for him. Because just as busy as we can get, they are too. And it doesn't mean that they're not wanting it. I think they always want it. But it's easy, I think, to keep things alive when somebody is considering the other person not taking offense to maybe them being busy. And then they start kind of doing things themselves. Like I said, a tip for me is like, hey, a nice outfit. And it's like, wait, are you, what are you today, a school teacher? Like, what is this? You want me to be sure?
- [50:57]
A
There you go. It's Halloween season, guys. Maybe you go and get inspired this weekend. But I think it's a two way street. Like I think if you're Married or in a long term relationship. Yeah. You gotta keep the other person interested. And you did a really nice post about that a while ago that the way we look matters. And I always talk about it. Take care of yourselves. Look beautiful. Do your nails, do your hair. The sexy lingerie. Or like you said.
- [51:21]
B
Yeah.
- [51:22]
A
Fun costumes. Whatever it is that you know entices your partner, you gotta keep it up. Otherwise. Yeah. If you're not having sex, you become roommates. And. Yeah. Then who wants to live with the roommate?
- [51:32]
B
Oh, my goodness. I feel like that is sort of an easy fix. Yeah, I really do. I feel like the whole that thing is an easy fix, but I can see how it would make someone become distant. However, I've seen so many trends on social media where women say what my husband thought he was getting and it's like them dressed up and then it's like versus what he got and it's them looking like.
- [51:56]
A
Oh, I know.
- [51:57]
B
Like raggedy.
- [51:58]
A
Yeah, I do too. Yeah, I hate that because that's such a bad message. Right? Yeah, I know. Yeah, I know.
- [52:04]
B
But there's so many people who fall into that. But then they'll be confused on why they feel like they're roommates. It's like you look like you've been in the same spot all day. Yeah.
- [52:15]
A
No, and this is why I love your work and your messages of encouragement and you're so empowering. Yeah. Thank you. I know going through divorce, at least for me, it's definitely the toughest thing that I ever had to do in my life. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is another life waiting for you out there. So I hope this episode empowers and encourages anyone that is going through it. And please, I'm gonna connect the the link of your website here with this episode. If you guys are listening to the audio episode, make sure you go to the YouTube cat on the Loose podcast so you can see her beautiful, gorgeous face and watch us. And what is your Instagram so people can follow you because you put great videos out there.
- [52:57]
B
Thank you so much. My Instagram is Adriana Onabogu. I'm gonna have to spell the last name I already know. O N U B O G U O N U B. Yes, you can find me on there. My website is adrianamason.com and yes, I'm so excited to work with anyone who's ready. Yes. Ready. Ready, Ready.
- [53:17]
A
Yes. Yes. And. And there is always, always, like, don't stay in a miserable relationship. Life is too short. You don't have to now.
- [53:26]
B
There's so much more.
- [53:27]
A
Yes. Even if you think like, I'm broke or I'm gonna have less money, go for it. You can rebuild, right? We are. We're living proof of it. We are living proof of it.
- [53:36]
B
Yes. If you're worried about not being able to rebuild or what your life is going to look like, you'll be surprised at how happier you can be when you take that leap and you let go of the fear.
- [53:48]
A
Yes. Adriana, huge honor having you here on car on the loose. Thanks so much, guys. Be really safe out there. I'll see you again very soon. Love you. This is a really good one. For everyone that loves to play poker and everyone that is planning a trip to Las Vegas, I invite you to come check out the most fun private game in the city, held right inside Aria's VIP poker room. Even if you're not that into poker or new to the game, this is a great opportunity to network with businessmen, athletes and celebrities in a super exclusive environment. Mr. Beast and then Bilzerian have played in it. Golf pros have played there. It's like an elite, exclusive social club, but also a really fun environment to play. Texas no Limit hold'.
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B
Em.
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A
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