Dr. Mindy DeSoto (4:18)

It is a game changer people are tired about using dating apps a lot of people are having dating fatigue because they're not finding the right one to even go on a date with let alone the right one yes exactly.

Kat (4:32)

So i guess the first question is what is the major differential like let's say somebody out there is listening they never heard about highly and they're like oh why should i try yet one more what is like the major major point of difference between hyli and everybody.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (4:49)

Else out there so the culture of a dating app is going to set the tone for how people date and hyli is setting a culture of be authentic be vulnerable i mean their tagline is date as you are so if you are somebody who's out there and you're tired you're tired of the bs that happens in the dating app the culture of hyli is weeding all that out and it's encouraging people to be who they are straight in the app so that you get a better sense of do i want to meet up with this person for a date or do i not it's it's really just a place to be truthful and meet somebody authentically i love that because i.

Kat (5:34)

Keep saying that over and over again on cat on the loose i definitely think you should be your the very best version of yourself but like you just use the keyword you should be authentic you should be real right i don't think it's a good idea to start any kind of relationship with little white lies bs photos from twenty years ago all the little things that people do right but my question to you is how i know you were encouraging people to be authentic but how do you how do you do that like how do you convince them you know just be the best version of yourself.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (6:08)

Out there it's hard right because so many of us are already insecure of who we are and dating is super vulnerable you're going to get your heart broken over and over and over again i always say dating is like the law of probability because you're going to meet so many people that you have to be vulnerable with otherwise you're just wasting your time because if you're putting on a front they're putting on a front now we're just going on dates really not knowing who the other person is and now we're ten dates in and thousands of dollars in and we're realizing wait we're not a match so that's where this app is like listen i'm in it with you if you're in it with me i'll be vulnerable you'll be vulnerable with me and it kind of creates this safe environment for us to share who we are share our hobby share interest moral value it kind of gets to a deeper conversation level right off the bat i love.

Kat (7:03)

That and i mean i heard that you guys have this new feature that also really piqued my interest because i think this is a really big one right that you are determined to fight unsolicited sexual messages and like x rated images so to speak i love that because i think most women such as myself have had that issue before like you're talking to someone and all of a sudden they start sending pictures you know let's be honest of their dick or whatever it is and i don't want to see that unless i'm like i decided i want to do that with someone to me that's like the way next step i don't want to get unsolicited pictures on my dating app how can you explain to us how you guys are combating that because that's.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (7:50)

A big deal i was really excited about this feature so it's called consent guard and i'm a sex therapist so all i do every day is help people live their best sex life and i actually think the consent guard is a feature that helps us embrace our sexuality even more so if you are talking to somebody and you kind of want to heat things up all you have to do is throw a sexy message into the chat or throw that like it could be a glamorous nude or i don't know it's really unattractive dick pic either one you can throw it into the chat and highlys ai will pick it up and it will send a message to the receiver are you going to consent to this so it's built that it's not going to disturb the flow of the conversation and i actually think what it does is it slows it down so if you want to take it there the person on the other end can say am i in the right headspace do i want to go into this world with this person or if you are vibing it like that it's kind of sexy if you get that consent if you're at work and it's like ooh i wonder what it is i can't wait to get home so you're really you're really taking out almost that traumatic surprise that you weren't expecting because almost forty percent of people have said they received unsolicited pics yes and that's really what creates this dating fatigue for sure and.

Kat (9:21)

It has happened to me and like you said i get messages from women and men by the way like it's not just a woman's problem because there are women that send in because unfortunately there are a lot of escorts out there you know all this chaos with you know onlyfans and stuff i have a lot of guy friends that complain they're like you know i want to be in a relationship i want to be dating someone and this girl is sending me these nude pictures and every so it's on both ends that it can be an issue and i love the way you guys are filtering it you're not just like let's see say i'm talking to a guy on the app and he decides to send me like an unsolicited picture of his dick so you don't automatically kick him out you ask me first is if this is within something that i'm comfortable receiving.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (10:07)

Exactly no we're definitely not going to kick anybody out for sending these messages because this feature is also about embracing your sexuality so it's really like if you want to go there and you want to take the relationship to that sexy level just make sure the other person is consenting then you also know the boundaries with the person you're receiving it so it actually can harness and like stimulate your sexuality too yeah i.

Kat (10:32)

Love that well let me ask you a tough question okay since you're the expert and i'm not i feel and i might be wrong like when i'm talking to someone online i need you know like baby steps i want to talk to them and then you know we exchange phone numbers and then i usually like a phone call video call many steps steps before i go meet them in real life normally for me the first stage of meeting someone on a dating app as much as i'm like wow i really like this guy he fits all the boxes for me it would be a little too soon to be doing this kind of interaction and this kind of intimacy and i agree with you i'm like all for everybody having a great sexual life i think that's such an important subject i would love to normalize this conversation for once and for all but for me on that stage usually would be like way too soon how how do you.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (11:27)

Feel about that so this feature of the app is going to give you the opportunity though then to be real with like who you are and like hey i'm not ready for this and you can easily decline it or honestly you can just ignore it and you can just like continue typing in the chat about like your day so you have the ability to be like i'm not there and again like if you're not there be true to yourself if you're not there like pridefully say no thank you right now i like that.

Kat (12:01)

But okay we're talking about the pictures let's talk about sexting i love sexting i think it's major foreplay right i think it's super sexy when you're dating someone and all that expectation but same thing should people be sexting already on a dating app with someone that you haven't met yet isn't it too soon.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (12:26)

It'S soon right i don't know maybe.

Kat (12:29)

I don't know that's why i'm asking you the expert.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (12:35)

I think in general dating app sped up the whole process of dating like you know i hear from a lot of people that the dating apps if you go too soon into the sexting you miss the whole courting process and that is like foreplay too you know just getting to know somebody getting that simple flirting on like going back to the chivalrous ways of the past i think dating apps did speed that up and again this is where be your authentic self like just be you because if you're not into sexting if you're not into getting those pictures and the other person is pushing them to you too soon you're going to get an idea of who they are as a person and now you don't have to be exposed you don't have to have that trauma response when you weren't ready for it yeah but.

Kat (13:27)

Do you think in general when a girl is talking to a guy on a dating app let's say i meet someone on highly and the guys try to lead the conversation this way right like an intimate conversation or sexual or like oh let me send you a picture do you think it means that okay all they want is sex or not necessarily maybe it's just their personality is just the way they are should this be a red flag if somebody's trying to do this too soon it.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (13:56)

Should be a red flag especially if they're pushing you when you're also trying to set these boundaries yeah red flag or if you constantly see the conversation coming back to the sext or something it's like how do you have the best sex you have the best sex when you feel connected to the person even if it's just like a one night stand right there kind of needs to be that connection so if there's somebody skipping through that connection trying to force it yeah it is a red.

Kat (14:22)

Flag yeah so do you think highly is ultimately more for people that are looking for like what is the crowd there give us like an inside look are people most of highly use users because you guys have millions of users worldwide correct thirty nine million downloads holy cow thirty nine million so it's available in a lot of places everywhere in the world correct yes yes okay so do you think this is a massive massive crowd hey guys make sure you enter the room dick first bluechew isn't just a tablet it's a cheat code for your crotch stronger harder longer lasting like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and major gym membership blue two is the original brand offering chewable tablets for much better sex and ladies if you're listening tell your guys about it because who doesn't want a partner who can perform better in bed and last longer i think that's every woman's dream right guys this isn't just about performance this is about legacy or third legacy give her group chat something to talk about you know when you lay below they're talking about how it gets up nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue chew discover your options now at bluechew dot com and take your sex life to the next level and we've got a special deal for our listeners as always get your first month of bluetooth free just use promo code cat k a t at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping that's it join bluetooth's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time head to bluechew dot com now for details and safety info and big thanks to bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast some do.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (16:11)

Things for show and others do them for real some never know when to call it quits and as a one three five year old denim company neither does lee shop iconic denim and more at lee dot com icons and start.

Kat (16:24)

Building what's next do you think most people are using hyli because they're looking for relationship do you think it's more like a hookup app do you think.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (16:34)

It'S a mixture the culture of hyli is going to be more for meeting the one right now it's going to be meeting a match and it is because it's what our culture is in general right we're saying come here be your authentic self we're skipping the bs you can be authentic and you can expect that the person on the other end is also going to be authentic as a sexologist one of the pieces that drew me to highly was that when you sign up you kind of you take like an authenticity quiz so it's kind of you questions about who you are and then you're going to get a compatibility score with the people that you're swiping a few reasons for this is well people were getting so fatigued with just swiping yes that they weren't really getting to know the person but here you're going to have a score and you're going to see like where we match where we don't match it's also great ways to start a conversation that are a little bit deeper versus then just the hey so it offers a lot of ability to get to know the other person that is going to attract people who are looking for someone to go on a date with and start a relationship with i.

Kat (17:47)

Love that because i think the biggest part of our community are singles that are looking for relationship and i always hear like even last night i was at an event here in beverly hills and i was sitting at a table and there were a bunch of single ladies there and every single one of them when i talk about the podcast they're like oh my god i'm never gonna do dating apps again because it's a treasured show it's so frustrating the quality and la la la la la and i was thinking to myself you know wow this is a new one that we should all try because it's so different from all the other ones we keep going to the same because a lot of people think that that's all there is out there yeah and.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (18:25)

We really looked at what is the research saying of why people are leaving a dating app basically people a lot of people dating apps because they were getting inappropriate messages that they didn't want well now i'm just annoyed of dating right so we get off the app altogether and that's what hailey was saying we want to help you not get fatigued we want to help you meet the one so we're going to give you this compatibility test we give conversation prompts and also we're putting in this safeguard that if you don't want to get the unsolicited text you can decline it or hey if you want to fully embrace it and hit the accept.

Kat (19:01)

Button oh my god i love that so much because that's definitely on top of of the complaints yeah a lot of people unfortunately can be very inappropriate or you know say things that you're not ready to to hear and i love the idea that this app has a filter for all of that because it makes us feel like we are in control if i'm having a conversation and like we were talking about the dig picture or even like sexting and i get a message from the app first like do you want to move forward do you feel comfortable with this it makes me feel like i'm in.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (19:32)

A safe space exactly you can know that that safeguard is there and that you're not going to get the inappropriate message at work or when you're just not in the mood for it and one of the reasons i also really enjoy being a part of highly is just being your authentic self because i have a private practice in miami where i help individuals couples like live their best sex life and of course then that comes into dating and my my clients go wild or they're dating app profile they hire professional photographers they they travel they travel across the world to get that perfect photo picture and i always tell them you're you're hurting yourself because you're creating an image that isn't your everyday vibe yeah and you're kind of almost like lying to the person that you're matching with then you go on a first date and you realize wait a minute be that person in the photo like wasn't it wasn't a realistic lifestyle and you almost feel lied to you just get tired of that.

Kat (20:34)

Effy raise your hand if you've ever gotten an unsolicited nude up to around thirty percent of men admit to having said one but according to a twenty twenty three pew research fifty six percent of women under fifty across various dating apps have gotten unsolicited sexts or nudes this is problematic good that the dating app highly has a solution highly short for hey i like you is the app to date as you are and now you can do it safer than before with the consent guard feature if someone tries to send you a sext or a nude on highly consent guard asks you if you consent no consent no sexting you just don't see it simple as that want to feel safe for an online dating download hyli now from the app store or google play or check it out on hyli dot com this is hyli h i l y dot com date as you are just safer with hyli and you talk about the photos i always say that yeah you should when you meet someone they should like you for you the way you are you so i don't understand like you said why people you know do either very fancy professional photos or that's also a top complaint they use photos from like twenty years ago like you know you don't look like that anymore girls you guys complain that sometimes the girls you know gain like twenty fifty pounds whatever you know you get older and same women complain like sometimes the guy puts a picture with hair for example and then you go meet the guy and the guy's like bald and i always say why would you waste somebody's time like that because don't wants to manage like you for.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (22:25)

You right right but even there you just feel lied to like you show up and you're like wait a minute that's not who you said you were and you just lose trust in them.

Kat (22:35)

Right away yeah so what let's let's say people out there listening like oh my god i'm gonna download this app it's available in the app store right it's free to download correct of course so yeah so guys go for it it's and i love the name it's high lead which is super super cute but let's say they go and they download the app how do you encourage them do you have like little phrases or something you know put your best pictures or do this or do that or be authentic is there like a guideline for what people should do yeah.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (23:06)

Absolutely don't worry we made this process easy for you like the consent feature we have made it easy and this signing up for getting everything started yes we of course prompt you and we also create like this fail safe approach of to help you truly be yourself so you can also trust that the people you're matching with they're also being their authentic selves and like i said don't ever go to ai to write your bio right your bio yeah that's what we want like kylie's going to also encourage you write your bio answer this question you know authentically don't worry we give you the prompts we make it easy for you i love that.

Kat (23:45)

You said that because of course you know ai is taking over the world but i combined completely agree with you i feel i actually saw an interview the other day some woman said oh we are gonna develop an app that ai is gonna choose your partner i'm like wait a minute wait a minute it's a little much for me because like you said you know there are certain things like emotions and things that are important to me that only i know how i feel i'm talking about feelings you cannot go and they say ai you know just just write something like your cat it's never going to be the same it's never going to be as organic and as authentic if you do it yourself so i love that you mentioned that and it's how.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (24:25)

My clients do like when you're looking for a therapist we all write our own bios about ourselves or at least i do and i encourage other therapists to do because if you're looking you want to look with someone that you're going to vibe with have a nice rapport with in therapy and you can get that understanding in the way we write it's the same exact thing for that couple sentence bio so if you're if you're into like how they worded it the words that they used like that person but if you go to ai right again like it's it's it's.

Kat (24:58)

Impersonal it's never going to be the same right i i mean ai is fantastic but it doesn't have emotions it's not going to write like you do.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (25:07)

Exactly and then you're not going to get to know the person like everything on a dating profile is sending messages of i'm attracted to this person or i'm so if you have ai write your profile and you're like hey i love the way this person wrote the words they use and then you find out in real life that that actually wasn't them again you break the trust.

Kat (25:26)

Right there i love that and another thing i want to mention especially for men guys out there listening women we are much more willing to put in the time you know and write a little bio there are so many men that don't even bother writing a bio like on dating apps they put some photos and they think it's enough i would would never swipe right with a guy that didn't spend a few minutes like you have nothing to say about yourself to me that's a little bit of a red flag if they refuse to write anything do you agree of.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (25:58)

Course it's a it's a huge red flag right because they're not even giving the dating app the time to write a bio like you know dating takes our effort dating takes work it really does yeah and if you can't even put that in how are they going to be on a date at least when you come to highly there is there's a little sign up encourage you know we ask you to pick your favorite song that's kind of like your anthem we ask you to fill out these questionnaires like you're investing yeah i.

Kat (26:28)

Think and i'm so happy we're having this conversation because when i hear single women saying oh my god i gave up you know that's it everybody on dating apps are like total assholes total losers it's not true i agree there's a lot of like junk out there but there are so many people who want to find the their partner the right someone so it's a great way to like don't give up just you know try something new and like you said go with intention and put some real effort into it i've always been.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (27:01)

Pro dating apps i kind of look at them as this necessary evil at.

Kat (27:06)

Times.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (27:09)

Because it's like if you're working full time and then like you're trying to take care of your apartment or your house every year you're so busy that you gotta put time like it's a law of probability game like you have to you gotta work it and the dating apps can be effective and people are like but there's nobody good on there i said are you on there how would you value yourself if you're on there somebody else just as good is on there oh my god.

Kat (27:34)

I love this i always say that it's a necessary evil because you can find someone you would never cross paths with and i know a lot of people i was just last night with a couple of my friends they met on a dating app and he didn't even live in la and she was like i'm going to give it a shot and they fell in love and now fast forward three years later they're living together they started a business together they're madly in love so i always say like you got to keep trying but with intention right if you just go there like i'm not gonna write anything like you said i'm gonna put photos from twenty years ago i mean what kind of result do you expect but if you do everything the way it's supposed to be done you can.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (28:15)

Surprise yourself and to be real you have to go with intention but you have to be vulnerable so if you wanna meet somebody you gotta put your defenses down you gotta put your guards down yeah you gotta be vulnerable i.

Kat (28:29)

Love that you said that people you know give it a chance give it an honest just a shot now before we run out of time before i let you go two important questions since you are a sex therapist that's one of the top questions i always get from people all over the world let's say i meet someone on a dating app we go on a first date we go on a second date as a as a professional do you think there is any kind of rule so to speak in terms of how soon is too soon to have sex like do you think it's appropriate oh i really feeling this i'm gonna have sex with this person on the second date the third date or are you from the school that oh no that's that's a horrible idea the man is gonna lose interest you should withhold sex like you know a lot of a lot of experts that's what they say like just withhold it and wait wait ninety days blah blah what is your your train of thought on this one i.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (29:23)

Love this question i get it all the time because i have clients come into me and they'll be like i'm not gonna sleep with him until day one three and i'm like why why where did day three why not day four what about day two oftentimes their reasons go back to well that's what i feel i should be doing where society said won't make me make me a slut right so there are all these reasons that we say okay i have to make it this number coming from a professional perspective and doing this for ten years and hearing these consistent stories it actually creates more stress more that you're not tuning into your own body so i always say if you put that parameter on yourself your brain's gonna cue you into it that you're not gonna be able to feel how comfortable you are because you might not even be comfortable on date three so i say throw the number out throw the parameters out pay attention to your morals and values but the most importantly is how do i feel right now do i wanna be intimate with this person where's my comfort level will i enjoy it because what's the purpose of it pleasure yeah so will it be pleasurable for me mentally and physically i.

Kat (30:33)

Love your answer i me i'm not an expert but i like things organic so personally when i hear women say and believe me i had like matchmakers dating experts whatever on the show and they're like oh you know withhold sex until you're exclusive or withhold sex for ninety days and then when i hear girls doing that to me i think it's kind of like playing a game i just get the vibe that a lot of men don't like that i don't like playing games and i i get the vibe it's in general not a good idea to do that do.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (31:08)

You agree one hundred don't play games and don't test your partner yeah get rid of all that it just creates drama and honestly what if you want it now why are we denying ourselves.

Kat (31:20)

Yeah and i think look i mean i always say that if you are with the right person if that's your person and let's say you had sex on the second date or the third date they're not going to think you're a slut or a whore or anything because that happens because it's the right person for you and if it's the wrong person even if you withhold sex like all ninety days or i heard this absurd to me this is one of the most absurd ones that this lady said i'm not going to name her name but she's there on the episode she said don't agree to have sex until you are in a monogamous committed relationship so like i feel like oh it's almost like blackmail oh if you don't tell me you're committed to me i'm not going to give you.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (32:00)

Sex it's such an ultimatum and nobody wants an ultimatum and i don't want.

Kat (32:05)

To be in a monogamous committed relationship before i have sex and i make sure my chemistry is great to that.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (32:12)

Person just because you withhold it does not mean it's going to be better.

Kat (32:17)

And i mean convincing someone to to stay with you because you're withholding sex like are they staying with i mean i just would feel horrible about that.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (32:26)

Right kind of a recipe for disaster.

Kat (32:30)

I'M so glad you agree with me oh my goodness and last but not least can anybody be on highly do you guys do like do you request id or do you do background chat how does it work like the onboarding.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (32:43)

Process typically our users are well they're all adults right so you're going to get a lot of gen z and.

Kat (32:50)

Millennials but i mean the good thing is that you are using ai to filter the prompts you're filtering the unwanted photos you're filtering the sexting which most definitely creates a safe space especially for women if they feel like you know oh my god i'm being attacked with something i don't want to say see or i don't want to hear yes.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (33:12)

I would say highly we revolutionized the technology that we use in the app so it's not just going to be the blurred photo our ai is going to pick up any message that is obscure so we we've put a lot of money and a lot of time into keeping everyone safe from those very traumatic triggers yeah and i would say.

Kat (33:33)

Right doctor desoto like anything in life do your due diligence right you meet someone on a dating app okay they they seem like an amazing person i think people that are real if they like you they have no problem telling you who they are right like this is my linkedin for example let's say you want to meet in real life like this is my linkedin or this is my website you can check me out if somebody's withholding all information about themselves that's a red flag right don't go meet somebody who refuses to tell you who they are to so when i hear women out there like oh i got taken this dude took my money i'm like why didn't i think that's common sense for everybody dating do.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (34:15)

You agree use every resource you have so come on we can all kind of subtly stalk who we're going on a date with and i think that's for your safety like today we actually have we have to be safe what we do so if you match somebody sure do that google search learn more about them share with your friend where you're going that's just for your safety.

Kat (34:38)

I agree and nowadays like you said there's so many resources that everybody has a social media account and if i know some guys don't especially like really successful men but they might have linkedin they might have a website to their business everybody has something as a reference and if they give you nothing i think that's a major red flag major.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (34:57)

Red flag for your safety yeah most importantly no not just a red flag for probably dysfunctional relationship but we need to be safe with it and at least you know get a pool of references and make sure they all match.

Kat (35:10)

I love that very very savvy advice thank you so much congratulations on the work you guys are doing i am i literally just downloaded it last night i'm gonna give it a world today so guys if you're listening i'm putting the link right here for you to go and download and like she said give it a good honest shot right put your best face forward be who you are thank you so much doctor mindy this was a huge pleasure and guys be safe thank you i'll talk.

Dr. Mindy DeSoto (35:37)

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