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- [00:04]
A
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A
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- [01:14]
A
My guest today, Dr. Tara, was dubbed the Internet's resident sexpert and crowned TikTok's queen of sex. She's a Kinsey Certified Sexologist tenured Professor of Sexual and relational Communication Communication at California State University and she has a great, super interesting book coming out called how do youo like it? A guide for getting what you want in bed. And on this episode she shares a lot of her sex parties with us so we can all improve our sex game. I hope you guys enjoy it. Are you a couple and one feels really hot during the night and the other one cold? Or are you a woman suffering from hot flashes going through perimenopause or menopause? I found an incredible all natural organic solution for all of the above. The Sleeping Dove Luxury comforter. The first ever with patent pending windows that you can easily flap open or close at night to cool off or warm up easily. No need for apps, wires, technology plugs or anything else complicated around your bed for the most restful, peaceful night's sleep for everyone. It is freaking genius and it was created by a woman who was going through perimenopause and still wanted to be able to sleep with her partner. You guys have to check this out. It's changing the way people sleep worldwide and it's made with the highest quality cotton so it feels super luxurious. Try it out now. Sleeping dove.com on Instagram sleeping Dove Home and change the way you sleep forever. Dr. Tara, welcome to Cat on the Loose.
- [02:56]
B
I'm so Excited to be here.
- [02:58]
A
I am so excited to have you because I was looking through your website, your Instagram, and you have so many fantastic videos, so much information, and of course, I love the topic sex. Sex.
- [03:10]
B
Who doesn't?
- [03:11]
A
Well, so that's my first question. How do we normalize it? Because I feel, and I keep saying that on kind of loose over and over and over again. I feel, especially women, of course, we're still vilified when we talk about sex. If you talk too much about it, like, you know, you're. You're whatever brand that has a heart or like you're promiscuous. Oh, my God. Right? They block you on. On social media because you're not supposed to do it. Is there a way to, like, just normalize this conversation for once and for all?
- [03:40]
B
Oh, 100%. I think as a society, to normalize conversations about sex and sexuality is to become more educated. Education is the path to liberation. There's no sexual liberation if we can't talk about it. And if we. In order to feel comfortable talking about things, we need to be educated. And that's why I think I'm just so passionate as a sex educator to help the next generation feel extremely comfortable talking about sex so that it can start to change it. You know, it's harder to change my generation or the generation older than me, because there are people that are already set in their ways, but I'm still changing minds left and right. I mean, I'm an older millennial. And whenever I meet other millennials that are very anti talking about sex, I ask them why. They often say, well, I just like to keep it private. I said, okay, but do you talk about it in private?
- [04:40]
A
Probably not.
- [04:41]
B
They.
- [04:41]
A
Probably not.
- [04:42]
B
They don't.
- [04:42]
A
I think a lot of it has to do with how we are raised. Right? I was raised in a household that we absolutely could not talk about it, period. I remember when I lost my virginity, I was terrified. Like, oh, my God, if my parents find out, like, they're gonna give me a beating. Yeah, of course, that was a long time ago, but I feel even the younger generations, because I. I have a younger audience, people send me messages on Tick Tock. They say the same thing. My mom doesn't give me the freedom, you know, I'm too embarrassed. What is my father gon. How do we change that?
- [05:14]
B
I think family sex communication is a big topic. I actually recently studied that, and we found that family sex communication, which is basically how your parents approach the topic of sex with you and in the household, has A huge impact on young adults, development of their sexual confidence. And when you grow up in a family that treats sex as a taboo and treats sex as, like, a bad thing, then you develop sexual anxiety as a young adult. So no wonder, you know, all these people out there are feeling super anxious before they hook up. Or boys, like. I mean, men that are in their early 20s having erectile dysfunction.
- [05:58]
A
Oh, my God.
- [05:59]
B
Because of sexual anxiety. And they're like, where does this. Where does this come from? It comes from your family. It comes from society. It comes from religion.
- [06:07]
A
Yeah.
- [06:07]
B
And also mass media, too. But nowadays, I think mass media is doing better.
- [06:11]
A
I agree.
- [06:12]
B
Representing more holistic, like, sexuality.
- [06:15]
A
And I think people like us. Right. We are opening up these conversations, and we're making it more approachable.
- [06:20]
B
Yeah.
- [06:20]
A
Because that's one thing. Maybe people say that to you also. Like, I get message. People say to me all the time, I feel comfortable talking to you, or I listen to an episode, and I decided to go and have this conversation with my boyfriend or my girlfriend. So it makes me happy when I.
- [06:34]
B
Get that type of message. It's very rewarding.
- [06:35]
A
Yeah, right. For sure. But parents, if you're listening, talk to your kids, your teenagers about it.
- [06:41]
B
Talk to your teenagers about it. There's nothing wrong with it. Like, they're. Sex is the reason why they're here, here.
- [06:48]
A
And it's healthy.
- [06:49]
B
Right? So healthy.
- [06:50]
A
I. I feel like, especially in the United States, because I come from cultures that are way, way more open about it, but I feel like there is this whole stigma, like it's something dirty. And under it should be, like, talked like, you know, under the table, so to speak. And it makes me sad because it shouldn't be something dirty. It's such a fantastic part of life.
- [07:10]
B
I always bring it to the table. Not under the table. Bring it to the table. Everywhere I go, whether I get lunch, dinner, networking event, it is. I always bring it to the table. I speak about it in a very unapologetic way so that other people can feel like, oh, wow, if she can do it, I can do it.
- [07:28]
A
Yeah, I love it. So let's start with the questions. Okay. I'm gonna try to. Maybe you can help us with the most common questions that people send me. And of course, I'm not an expert. I don't know, maybe you can help us. The number one complaint of men and women, you must have heard that before. They are in a relationship or married or whatever, and they are not getting enough sex. So guys, they say, well, this is why I went and cheated because I love my wife, but I want to have sex. And after a while, they get so frustrated. They meet some cute girl at work, la la la, and they cheat. But women's same. There are a lot of women that cheat because they're like, you know, my husband is tired, he's stressed out, he cannot get it hard, or he's too lazy. Na na na. They go and have an affair. So this is the question for you. And I don't even know if we have an answer before actually cheating. Right. Which we hope nobody would do because I'm totally against it. What would be the solution for that?
- [08:25]
B
So sex is never just about sex. Sex is about everything else outside the bedroom. Not having sex is just a symptom of a bigger problem. So if you have a partner who cheated on you, who said, oh, it's because of our sex life, no, it's not. It's a much bigger problem in a relationship. When people engage in infidelity, there are three main reasons. The first one is a personal reason. So they feel uninspired of themselves. They don't feel good about themselves, they lack confidence. Maybe they just lost their job, maybe they lost their mojo, maybe they gained a lot of weight. Whatever it is, they don't feel good about themselves. It's a personal reason. They go out there to get external validation. The second reason is interpersonal, meaning. There's a problem in a relationship outside the bedroom. So it can, it could be respect problem, it could be follow through problem. A lot of people say they'll do things that they don't do them. It could be the fact that, you know, you don't show adoration or desire or compliment your partner. So it could be many other things outside the bedroom that caused that bedroom problem. And then I see that.
- [09:49]
A
So what do you suggest? If somebody out there listening, because I actually have friends in this situation, they confide in me. They're like, I love my wife, but I want to have sex. And she tells me, because women, sometimes they're like, I love you, but I don't have a sex drive, or the kids made me tired, or the job made me tired. So what would be the first step?
- [10:08]
B
The first step is talking about it. You and your partner have to engage in what I call macro sexual communication. And this is checking in to the true reason why you're not having sex. Because sex is not just about the bedroom. It's about other things. So you have to get to the point of like, what is the actual problem here? I one time Have a couple that I help in my private practice. They came in and they say, it's a sex problem. It's a sex problem. And then after investigating for a long time, we know what the problem is. It's a communication problem. He always cuts her off when she's talking, so she feels disrespected and she feels her opinion is not being valued, and she feels like he thinks he's better than her. That's the problem, not penetration. So sex is a symptom of other problems. True, true.
- [11:01]
A
You found the root of it.
- [11:03]
B
And sometimes people say, I love my partner, but I don't have sexual desire for. For them. It's mainly because the sex that you guys are having is boring. No one wants to have boring sex.
- [11:13]
A
True. But how do they learn how to not have boring sex? I totally agree. Read the book.
- [11:18]
B
Read the book. The book, how do you like it? Has multiple, what I call erotic solutions. Ooh, I love that erotic solutions are the solution to your boring sex problem. If you have a boring sex life, you need erotic solutions. These are different sexual activities that you can do. That's non penetrative.
- [11:37]
A
Because I think a lot of people there, they might be listening, like, do I have boring sex? I'm not sure I have boring. I think a lot of people are having really boring sex and they don't even notice.
- [11:47]
B
Right, Right. Because it becomes this routine.
- [11:49]
A
They accept it, and they think it's so good. I've been in relationships because to me, honestly, having great sex is a priority, one of the priorities in a relationship. Why? Because I was in an almost sexless marriage for 15 years because my husband was drinking. And you know, when people drink, it was really shitty.
- [12:09]
B
Yeah.
- [12:09]
A
So once I got of there and I started feeling empowered because I do the podcast, I'm like, okay, I love having sex. I have a very high sex drive. I don't want to be in that relationship again. So I've been in partnerships that, of course, in the beginning, every guy says they love a lot. Right. But then they, like, slow down. But I don't want to be in that situation again. So to me, let's say if it's me or anybody else in the same sit, you start dating someone, you're in a relationship with that person, and in the first few dates, the sex is great because they want to impress, and then they get lazy.
- [12:40]
B
I think sex is usually great in the first year.
- [12:42]
A
Yeah.
- [12:43]
B
And then in the second year it's less. And then the third year.
- [12:46]
A
But how do you make them. You Know, keep it up. Like, don't get lazy in bed talk.
- [12:53]
B
Well, novelty is extremely important when it comes to sexual desire. You don't desire the same thing for years. Right. Basic human psychology states no one desires the same exact thing thing for a long period of time. Let's just accept that fact.
- [13:13]
A
Yeah.
- [13:13]
B
I think, especially for men, like, if women are listening, send this podcast to your husband. Because, especially for men, like, if they don't put in any effort to bring in any kind of novelty to the sex life, women are actually the first to be bored of the sex they have. Research found that women get bored of their partner faster than men do.
- [13:38]
A
Oh, really?
- [13:38]
B
Yeah.
- [13:39]
A
But you're not, by the way, you're not saying novelty in terms of like, oh, I have to go and have sex with someone else.
- [13:43]
B
You're saying novelty in terms of like, what kind of sex are you having? There's like, literally 200 different sexual activities you can do. How many are you doing? Two.
- [13:51]
A
Yeah.
- [13:52]
B
Usually if you're doing two or three different things.
- [13:54]
A
Yeah.
- [13:54]
B
You have 197 things to try. So.
- [13:58]
A
Which brings me to the next question. I know that for a lot of people, they are. They are very embarrassed or afraid or uncomfortable when it comes to telling their partner they want to try something new. Especially like, you did a video that I loved about how to go kinky, Right. I know a lot of people want to try kinky things, but they're like, oh, my God, she's going to think I'm a perfect. He's going to think I'm a hard.
- [14:23]
B
No, no, no.
- [14:23]
A
They are so embarrassed that they don't bring it up. So how do you approach that without being embarrassed?
- [14:30]
B
I call it the media mention method. So I have used this method many times. All my clients have, my students have, my friends have. It's so effective. Instead of putting yourself in that position where you are saying, I want to try this, just use the media mention method. Here's how you do it. So you just go, hey, babe, today I listened to this episode on Cat on the Loose and they were talking about bondage. Like, have you ever tried that before? It's so interesting. That's it. That's all you have to do. The media mention method. Mention a media that you just heard. It could be a podcast, it could be a TV episode, it could be a book, it could be an article online, whatever it is. You came across this thing and it's so interesting. And then the point is you have to ask them, what do you think about it? So it's a dialogue. So you're not the person to say I want to do this. But it's like, what do you think?
- [15:29]
A
You're just opening up.
- [15:29]
B
It starts a conversation. It's so effective.
- [15:32]
A
I love that idea.
- [15:34]
B
I have used it so many times with my partner.
- [15:36]
A
I have I ever used it. I don't know, I'm.
- [15:39]
B
Well, obviously you use it tonight.
- [15:41]
A
I'm kind of like the opposite, you know, But I like that idea. I just come, I just come and say what I want.
- [15:47]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [15:47]
A
Which I know sometimes, you know, if it's.
- [15:49]
B
It depends on your receiver.
- [15:51]
A
Yeah, yeah, but, but usually the guys that date me because they know I do the show, they feel really comfortable telling what they want to do. Like they tell me their fantasies, they tell me the kinky that they were never. They were too embarrassed to tell the previous partner because they're like, oh, you know, you're so open minded.
- [16:08]
B
I want to tell the kinkiest thing you've ever heard. One of these guys said so from.
- [16:13]
A
A guy like my ex boyfriend, this guy that I was dating last year and I was really. We, we didn't do it. By the way, guys, I broke up with him because he was a pathological liar and kind of like a drunk, but whatever. But he came to me, he was like, he told me that his biggest fantasy. And by the way, this was a guy that was married for a long time and had shitty sex with his wife forever and ever and ever. So now he's like in his 50s and he started, you know, having a little bit of midlife cries. But that's a whole other story. He told me that his biggest fantasy was he wanted to watch me suck another guy's dick.
- [16:48]
B
Oh yeah, would read.
- [16:50]
A
Oh, is that what it's called?
- [16:51]
B
Yeah, there's a term for everything that's called.
- [16:54]
A
You should do like a dictionary. Sex dictionary. Because I never heard that before and I never did it. I was like, oh, okay. When we were having sex and he told me that I was super turned on because he was getting turned on and after like the morning after, he was a little embarrassed. He was like, oh, I think I was drunk. And I said it's okay, it's okay to tell your partner what you want to do. Right? It doesn't matter if I want to do it or not. But it's good that you actually spoke up about what you want.
- [17:25]
B
I think it's so courageous because sex is very vulnerable and sexual fantasies and kings, they're really hard to say because it's like, oh, what will they think of me? Right? And people don't want other people to think of them poorly. They want people to think of them positively.
- [17:44]
A
But that's the problem, Dr. Tara, that a lot of people and I have guy friends that say that to me. Oh, I suggested to her that we do whatever. Like, I told her I wanted to handcuff her and she was like, ew. Oh, my God. Because unfortunately, a lot of women have this reaction, right?
- [18:00]
B
That is unfortunate. And I think we need to teach women and men too. We need to teach people that your first reaction to anything that your partner says should be curiosity. Yeah, like, oh, that's interesting. Like, how did you get into that? Right? Like, ask a question instead of saying ew or that's gross or I'd never do that. Or that's perverted. Like, like, don't place judgment on other people just because they were born with these. Kings have curiosity. Like, how did you get into it and have you done it before?
- [18:35]
A
I think most people have fantasies that are unfulfilled. And the problem is most of them don't have the courage to speak up. Hey, guys, make sure you enter the room dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and major gym membership. Blue 2 is the original brand offering chewable tablets for much better sex. And ladies, if you're listening, tell your guys about it. Because who doesn't want a partner who can perform better in bed and last longer? I think that's every woman's dream, right, guys? This isn't just about performance. This is about legacy or third leg. Us. See? Give her group chat. Something to talk about. You know, when you lay low there talking about how he gets up, nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue chew. Discover your options now@bluechew.com and take your sex life to the next level. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluechew free. Just use promo code Kat Kat at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping.
- [19:47]
B
That's it.
- [19:48]
A
Join Bluetooth's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluetooth.com now for details and safety info. And big thanks to Bluetooth for sponsoring.
- [19:59]
B
The podcast ABC Wednesdays Shifting Gears is back. It has arisen. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy what what? With a star studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman Nancy Travis and Hey buddy. A big home improvement reunion.
- [20:20]
A
Welcome. Oh boy, that guy's a tool. Shifting gears.
- [20:25]
B
New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC.
- [20:28]
A
And stream on Hulu.
- [20:31]
B
Research found that a lot of women have consensual non consent fantasies.
- [20:38]
A
Consensual, non consent.
- [20:39]
B
And they are very ashamed about it.
- [20:41]
A
And so speaking of that, it's kind of similar to bondage, right?
- [20:47]
B
Like consensual non consent. No, consensual non consent is sort of like it's non consensual sex, but they.
- [20:55]
A
Know that it's gonna happen.
- [20:57]
B
It's kind of like rape play. But they know it's gonna happen. They consent to it happening. But it's like forcing your partner to have sex with you. But it's role playing. A lot of people have this fantasy, but they are too afraid to share it with their partner because they're afraid that their partner will go like, why do you want to be forced?
- [21:13]
A
Yeah. So I think.
- [21:14]
B
But it's not about that.
- [21:15]
A
So how you said if somebody brings suggests a sexual fantasy to you, even if it's something you don't want to do, don't be mean and rude. Like you said, like, why do you want to do that?
- [21:26]
B
Are you crazy?
- [21:27]
A
You're a perfect. Like, I think it's okay to say no, right? If somebody brings up an idea, like my boyfriend said to me, if I didn't want to do it, I could say, you know, that's amazing, but I'm not ready for it. Right. You don't have to be like, oh my God, you know, you're such a pervert.
- [21:43]
B
Right?
- [21:43]
A
Because then he's going to shut up.
- [21:45]
B
So I'm not ready for it is a great response because it doesn't mean it's a no forever. Yeah, Just I'm not there yet.
- [21:53]
A
Yeah, yeah. I was curious about doing it, by the way, because it's something I never did. I was like, huh, you know, lucky me, two guys for me. If that's what you want.
- [22:04]
B
Yeah. I mean, a lot of people are nowadays in ethical non monogamy.
- [22:08]
A
Yeah, that's a. Oh my God. That's a whole other episode. Right? That's. Oh my God. That's more complicated. Let's talk about bondage. Because I know know you probably get a lot of questions about that. And I got a lot of questions about that. You did an incredible video on your Instagram. You guys should go check it out. And I think you are very vulnerable on the video because you talk about how you went to Ibiza Right. And you let this lady tie you up a lot. And you mentioned that it's all about relinquishing total control. You're literally tied there and there's nothing you can do about it. It's such a trust game.
- [22:45]
B
It's a huge trust game.
- [22:47]
A
And I know a lot because you.
- [22:48]
B
Literally can't move an inch. Right.
- [22:50]
A
And I mean it in your video. I was like, well, I don't know if I will do that because that's like, it wasn't just the hands.
- [22:55]
B
Right.
- [22:56]
A
Or just the feature.
- [22:58]
B
I was suspended. Yeah, yeah.
- [23:00]
A
But so if somebody's listening, they're like, yeah, that's my fantasy. I would love to play this game. Is there a way to approach. Like, if. If both people say, I want to try it out, but, you know, I'm a little scared. It is very vulnerable. How do you feel more comfortable about it?
- [23:19]
B
I highly recommend reaching out to a professional dominatrix or a professional shibari bondage practitioner. It's a very hard practice. It's not easy to do. If you think of doing it at home, maybe try handcuffs that you can buy at stores or online, like, fluffy handcuffs. But if you want to try shibari, where it's like, the ropes, tying the ropes, and it's very complex and. And you're afraid you can't get out of it, like, go to a professional. It's actually a very hard practice. Like, I look at her and I'm like, oh, wow. It took her like, 45 minutes to tie my whole body and get me into the position. So it's not something to just casually do at home, but I think it's a really fun practice to go as a couple. Like, if you're in a relationship and you're like, oh, let's go explore this. Like, Google and try to find credible dominatrix or shibari or bondage practitioner and go to their studio and do it. There have to be.
- [24:19]
A
I had no idea that this exists. Yeah.
- [24:21]
B
So it's the studio. So she does. She's a dominatrix and she does shibari. And so I went to her studio in Ibiza, and that's where we did it together.
- [24:30]
A
So. But why would people go to us just to learn how to do it? So they can do it at home with their partners.
- [24:35]
B
You can learn how to do it, but you can also just go to receive. Like, go to be. To get bondage done to you because.
- [24:42]
A
It turns you on.
- [24:43]
B
It can be. It turns you on. It can be a practice to explore further into sexuality. Realm because I've tried so many things already in sex. So I just want to.
- [24:55]
A
You want to push more?
- [24:56]
B
I want to push my. I want to push it and I want to know what else turns me on.
- [25:02]
A
And also. So you can speak, you can now you can speak with authority, with real experience.
- [25:07]
B
Yeah. And it did. It turned me on so bad.
- [25:10]
A
Oh, wow.
- [25:11]
B
I was very turned on. So after that, I really wanted to.
- [25:14]
A
Have sex with somebody there. Oh, good.
- [25:16]
B
I was in pain.
- [25:17]
A
You were in pain?
- [25:18]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [25:19]
A
Cuz it looks painful, but it's a, it's also a good type of pain if you're into that stuff, right? It is.
- [25:25]
B
Yeah, it was, it was. Yeah. I was in sort of a trance, like. Oh, wow. Like I, I have to.
- [25:32]
A
Did you have a safe re. Yeah. Okay.
- [25:35]
B
But I surrender completely. And I was tied up. My whole body was tied up. Cannot move an inch. Then I was suspended in the air. And I was kind of hung up there for a while.
- [25:44]
A
Wow.
- [25:44]
B
And you really have to trust your dom.
- [25:47]
A
Oh, my God.
- [25:48]
B
Yeah. That's why you can't do it at home, like casually.
- [25:50]
A
Yeah, that's for professionals. But then when you, you got out of it, you went back to your hotel room and had wild sex with your partner.
- [25:57]
B
Yeah. I mean, it was, it was a fun, it was a really fun thing to experience because also I feel like in my life, with owning a business and being a professor, I make a lot of decisions and I'm like always this boss bitch. I don't want to be boss bitch all the time. And for that one hour that I wasn't, it actually was liberating. And oh my God, it just felt so good. I cried. Not from pain, but from just like feeling so relieved for not doing anything and just following instructions.
- [26:33]
A
I, I, When I was looking at your post, I really, that's how. Why I memorized so much of it, because I really identified. Because like you said, you're the boss bitch. And it's same in my personal life. I'm in charge 15, 16 hours a day. Like my business, my show, da da da, My daughter. So in my personal relationships, I totally want to, like, give up control.
- [26:54]
B
I think you would love Shibari.
- [26:56]
A
I don't.
- [26:56]
B
You would be such a cute robot.
- [26:58]
A
I'm a little close to home.
- [26:59]
B
I know. But when you learn to trust the dom because she gives you good space.
- [27:04]
A
This is for me. This is what I say. If I'm with the right partner, if I'm really into that person, I'm open to exploring different things. That would be good for you, know what I mean? Like, I'm super open minded. I don't just say no this discuss. Because I think in a relationship, like you were saying, the more interesting things you bring into it, the more open minded you are, the richer your sex life will be. Right?
- [27:30]
B
And the richer you will be.
- [27:32]
A
Yeah, for sure.
- [27:33]
B
A good sex life contributes to like better business, more money coming in, better skin, better hair. Like just good sex life contributes to a lot of things.
- [27:43]
A
I hope people listen to you because I, I keep repeating this over and even before I did the podcast, I remember I used to always say, but I keep repeating this on the podcast over and over and over again. If people were having better sex and more sex, I think in general the world would be a better place.
- [27:57]
B
I know 100 because I think a.
- [27:59]
A
Lot of issues, like people are angry and pissed and all these bottled up issues I of it would go away if these people were having amazing sex.
- [28:10]
B
Life because they have so much resentment in their relationship. And when you're resentful of your partner, it shows up everywhere.
- [28:19]
A
It does.
- [28:19]
B
You're just bitter and angry and you don't show up as your best self.
- [28:23]
A
I know, totally. So I want to talk about another topic that I know. It's really hot, at least for my listeners. Maybe you have some tips. Dirty talk, Kinky talk. I love dirty talk. I don't like sex in silence. Do you?
- [28:39]
B
No, no, no.
- [28:40]
A
I think it's so boring.
- [28:41]
B
I'm a huge fan of dirty talk.
- [28:42]
A
Right. Like if I'm having sex with the guy and he's like, are you enjoying it? Do you like it? I want action. I want talk. Even better. But again, I know a lot of people are so embarrassed. What am I supposed to say? I remember there was even an episode of Sex and the City. I don't remember a lot.
- [29:01]
B
Oh yeah, Is it with Charlotte? And she like freaked out because he was like, you dirty? Like as he has orgasms.
- [29:09]
A
Exactly. And I remember watching that episode because I watch Sex and the City all the time. And I was like, she should be having fun. Like the guy is letting it go and calling her. But she was horrified. So if somebody wants to try it out or for those who are very shy and bad, both men and women, any easy baby steps?
- [29:28]
B
Yeah, the baby step would be just use words of desire. You don't have to go derogatory terms. You don't have to be intense. It doesn't have to be super spicy. You can use words of desires. For example, you can say you can look at someone intently and say I want you. You can look at someone intently and go and ask a question. Do you want me? Do you want me to come? Do you want me to come for you? Only these will turn them on so hard. Just be really into it when you say it. Like you don't have to say crazy things. Even these words, which I call words of desires, they are so effective.
- [30:09]
A
I love that. Anything is better than just laying there quiet.
- [30:15]
B
Yeah, totally. And also like men go crazy when their woman says like, do you want me to come for you? They go crazy. It works every time.
- [30:23]
A
Oh really? That. Okay, I'll try that.
- [30:26]
B
Try it tonight.
- [30:29]
A
Look, like I said, as long as you don't lay there like, like you know your dad. I remember a few years ago I was dating this guy and same issue with all the guys that were married for a long time and had horrible sex life with their wives. They say, so shy. Yeah. The guy was laying there. I remember the first time we had sex and he came. I didn't even notice until he told me.
- [30:50]
B
Oh my gosh.
- [30:51]
A
Yeah. Cuz he was so quiet and then it took a few times and then, you know, after a while he was like, yeah, okay, now I feel I can speak up with you. But guys, if you're listening, like no woman wants you just laying there saying nothing. Right? That's so boring.
- [31:06]
B
I think when guys say words of command, it's really hot. So like if as they have sex with you and they penetrate you and they say like, come for me, come for me. That's really hot. If you are really into it and you're like, you know, doing the strokes and you just keep saying come for me, come for me. Like that's really hot. Another thing is like basically like come here and turn over. Right? Like just command the space because then she will feel more taken care of. Women feel more turned on when the man is confident in bed. And one way to show confidence is to talk confidently.
- [31:49]
A
Yes.
- [31:49]
B
With a lot of self assurance. And not like, do you want to try this? Like no, no, no, no. Know, say yeah, don't.
- [31:56]
A
Yeah, don't just do it.
- [31:58]
B
Yeah. Well say you know, yeah, I'm going to do this to you. Right? Like say like I want to you from behind, turn around. Yeah, right. And if she doesn't want to do it, she'll tell you. But like we want to hear confidence.
- [32:11]
A
For sure, 1 million percent. But also that goes for women. Don't be too shy. Like you're in bed. I know a Lot of girls and I, and I don't like when I get this mess. They're like, oh, you know, I'm trying to. So shy. What if he notices, you know, the cellulite on my leg? What if I'm like, we all have cellulite. Yeah. I don't think any guy, like when you're in bed, they're going to be noticing like the imperfections of your body. They're going to be like noticing the whole package. Right. But a lot of girls saying they're very shy when they're in bed. In terms of telling what, what, what are a few phrases that women could say that would turn the guy on?
- [32:50]
B
One. I want you.
- [32:51]
A
I want you. Yeah.
- [32:53]
B
I want you. I want you to me.
- [32:56]
A
Yeah. That one always works.
- [32:58]
B
Works every time. And I would say, do you want me to come for you? That works every time.
- [33:05]
A
Yeah, Yeah, I like that. I love, I love all of those. Now I want to debunk this myth and I want to know your opinion because I think this is so absurd. It annoys the living daylights out of me. And I've had many matchmakers, I say experts with quotes. Because now nowadays anybody's, you know, self proclaimed, I'm an expert. Like, no, yeah. But anyhow, a lot of people have said when you start dating someone, like I was saying my, my situations, but like you're dating someone and you go on one, two, three dates. No, no. Me, I want to know if I have sexual chemistry with the person I'm dating. I want to know. I don't want to date a dude for three, six months without knowing if we click sexual. But a lot of the experts, including famous ones, say withhold sex. Wait. Because the minute you give them sex, that's men and it's the pheromones hormone, whatever it is, they're not going to be interested anymore and they're going to think you're a slut. And you do this with every guy. So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Some people say, wait 90 days. Some people say I had this very famous person that came on the show. She was like, oh, wait until you are in a monogamous, committed relationship. Wow. And to me, I was like, I don't want to be in a monogamous commitment relationship with this guy if I haven't seen him naked. What if I don't like it? And vice versa. So what is your take on this?
- [34:33]
B
So I'm gonna educate from a very objective standpoint. And this is what research shows and this is what the theory States when it comes to having sex on the first date. And this is the truth.
- [34:46]
A
Truth.
- [34:46]
B
The truth is, don't listen to all these people that give you specific timeline because everyone is on their own timeline. Yeah, everyone. So don't listen to expert that gives you a prescription because it does not work that way. It depends on who you are, who they are, where you are in life. There's so many variables that come into play that you just can't follow other people's prescriptions. Now, how do you approach sex on the first date? Yes or no? There are two school of thoughts and I want you to really think about it and think about who you are and what you subscribe to. Don't listen to these other people. The first one is school. The first school is sexual restraint. So the school of sexual restraint states that you withhold sex until you feel emotionally connected to them. Them. Then you have sex. Right. The second school is sexual compatibility school. This school states, have sex on the first date. Then you'll know if you are sexually compatible or not. Then you can use that as your criteria to make sense whether or not you want to date this person. Further, it depends on which school you subscribe to.
- [36:03]
A
Whatever.
- [36:04]
B
No right or wrong answer. Yeah, my answer is I subscribe to sexual compatibility school because I like having sex with people knowing whether or not we're gonna be together in the future. If I have sex with you on a first date, it's all. It's also because I already have chemistry with you. I don't just have sex with anybody. Like I have sex with people that I have chemistry with. If the chemistry is strong, I will have sex on the first date. And so far they all wanna marry me. So I don't know what the problem is.
- [36:35]
A
Who would be.
- [36:36]
B
Yeah, exactly. I marry. I mean, my husband and I, we had sex on the first date.
- [36:40]
A
Date.
- [36:40]
B
And, you know, it worked out same.
- [36:43]
A
Oh my God. That's so funny you said that because same. My husband and I. Well, yeah, it was. It was. Yeah, it was seconded.
- [36:49]
B
Like you talked before.
- [36:51]
A
Yeah.
- [36:51]
B
And then you went on a date. And the. And the date was so good. We just had sex on the first date. And then I. It was confirmed that we have sexual compatibility, which is great. But I have many friends that subscribe to sexual restraint school. I'd respect that. Them. But they go by their own timeline. There's no, like six months, nine months. Like.
- [37:11]
A
Yeah, of course. If you wanna. If you wanna live your life that way. I totally agree. But don't play this game like, oh, I'm gonna withhold sex from him for. Until he tells me I'm exclusive, until he does abcde. I think that can backfire.
- [37:30]
B
Oh, yeah.
- [37:31]
A
Although a lot of women think it cannot.
- [37:33]
B
No, it backfires.
- [37:34]
A
Yeah. I think that's like. And I've had. I remember a long time ago at the. On the podcast, I had a really good guy friend come on the show, and he was like. He used this really funny expression. He said, oh, if you're like, withholding your vagina hostage and to play with my life, I'm going to go and have sex with someone else. So usually that's not an ideal game to play with a man. Right. Just. Just follow your gut, I guess.
- [37:58]
B
Follow your gut. And also, you know, sex isn't something you give away. Sex is something you enjoy with. With a partner that respects you. So it can be whether it's committed relationship, casual sex, whatever it is. As long as they respect you as a human being, you can have great sex. And again, sex isn't something that's being done to you. Not something that you lose, that you have to withhold. It's something you enjoy. It's pleasurable. So why wouldn't you do something you enjoy? It's like, if you look, love sushi, why would you withhold yourself from eating sushi? I don't get it. Like, just eat this. Yeah, just eat it. You love sushi. Eat the sushi. Why are you withholding? What is the point?
- [38:43]
A
If it feels right for you, just freaking do it. Right. No games. Yeah. I love you. I think this is such good advice for me. I always say that, you know, I normally don't have sex on the first date, but it's not because I'm withholding it. It's because I kind of. I'm a major sapiosexual. Like, I need the mental connection.
- [39:03]
B
Intellect. Connection.
- [39:05]
A
Yeah, I need that. That's what really turns smart men, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, yeah.
- [39:11]
B
What if they're really hot but not smart?
- [39:13]
A
I don't care what may. Well, to me, what turns me on in a man is not. Not so much the. It's what's in their head.
- [39:19]
B
Yeah, that.
- [39:21]
A
That turns me on more than anything else. Like how they think, what they say, how they talk, you know, the way they behave.
- [39:26]
B
I'm shallow. I love abs.
- [39:29]
A
Which you're entitled to be. See, I don't really care about that.
- [39:32]
B
I love. I love abs. I love arms.
- [39:35]
A
Like I. I love hands. That's the thing. When a guy walks in, it's the first thing I look at the guy.
- [39:41]
B
Is the hands like, big hand or small hand?
- [39:43]
A
Like, no, they have to be, like, big, powerful, thick. Like, if the guy has, like, skinny fingers or something. I've been on dates on first dates that I look at the guy and I'm like, okay, this is never gonna work.
- [39:54]
B
I like small fingers. That means they can finger you good.
- [39:57]
A
But, you know, like, we have different preferences. For me, I've always been a sucker for hands. I don'. Turns me on like crazy. I'm a hands person.
- [40:06]
B
A hands girl.
- [40:07]
A
Yeah, hands. So if I look at the dude, like, in 10 seconds, I know if it's a guy I would date or not really. Yes.
- [40:14]
B
So. So if they want to date you, just send a picture to your dm.
- [40:18]
A
I have asked before. I'm like, can I please see your hands? And they're like, why? What? When I'm texting, like, I'm like, can I please see your hands?
- [40:24]
B
DM her. DM her. Your hands. Guys, DM me.
- [40:27]
A
I. I do that because I've been in situations that I was on a first date, and when the guy shows up and I look at his hands, I'm like. I'm like, I do not want to sit through this dinner for two hours because there is no way in hell this guy's gonna.
- [40:40]
B
Mine is abs. So abs.
- [40:42]
A
Okay.
- [40:42]
B
If you don't have abs, don't DM me.
- [40:46]
A
That's. @ least we know what we like. So I think I love you said so many powerful things, and as long as it's important to you, like you said, it's not like a one prescription for everyone.
- [40:58]
B
Never, never. And don't listen to any experts that say that there is a prescription. Like, here's a recipe. It's.
- [41:07]
A
And last but not least, on this topic, I think, like you said about your husband. My husband, if it's the right person for you, they're not going to judge you. Like, oh, my God, what a hard. We just had sex on the first date. You know if they did that.
- [41:21]
B
My husband.
- [41:22]
A
Love your purse. Yeah, same.
- [41:24]
B
He was like, my husband married me.
- [41:26]
A
Exactly.
- [41:27]
B
Feel so sexually connected to you.
- [41:29]
A
Yeah.
- [41:29]
B
I said, no, I know sexual connection is powerful, and when you really harness it and foster that connection, it fuels every aspect of the relationship. Ever since we've been together, we have grown so much as a person. We have made so much more money. Our businesses have grown so much, and we attribute part of it to our sexual connection.
- [41:55]
A
Oh, for sure. Look, nobody should be in an unhappy, like, In a relationship with a horrible sex life. And I think you made a post or a comment about that on another.
- [42:04]
B
Podcast like, it's not worth it.
- [42:06]
A
No, it's not. It is a really important part of a healthy, amazing relationship. If you're not having great sex with your partner, get help. Read the book. Call you do something.
- [42:18]
B
When you read the book. How do you like it? You learn. Learn all about yourself, like who you are as a sexual person so you'll have language to start talking about it.
- [42:27]
A
Yeah.
- [42:27]
B
You also learn who your partner is.
- [42:29]
A
Yeah.
- [42:30]
B
Like in bed. Truly. And not just the things that they lie about.
- [42:33]
A
Yeah. One million. Now, before we run out of time, I want to talk about something that I think is very, very important.
- [42:40]
B
Every.
- [42:40]
A
A lot of single people out there. Just because you're single, it doesn't mean you need to sit at home feeling miserable, not pleasuring yourself. Yourself. Masturbate.
- [42:48]
B
Oh, masturbation is so good.
- [42:49]
A
Oh, my God.
- [42:50]
B
But so help.
- [42:51]
A
It breaks my heart. How many women special, because for a guy, it's almost like a. It's a natural instinct. Right. They do it. But girls and I have girlfriends, they're like, oh, I don't have a. A vibrator.
- [43:04]
B
Get a vibrator.
- [43:04]
A
Yeah. It's such an important and healthy part of life. Right. You don't need to wait for a partner. Like, keep entertaining yourself in the meantime.
- [43:13]
B
Right, Right. When you masturbate and when you orgasm, you release dopamine and oxytocin and serotonin, which is great for your physical health, mental health, and sexual health. So I highly recommend masturbating. It's a, it's a self care practice.
- [43:31]
A
Yes.
- [43:31]
B
It's like put on a mask, get in a bath, you know, masturbate before you sleep.
- [43:37]
A
And it feels so good. It relieves stress. Oh, my God.
- [43:40]
B
I'm a huge fan of masturbation.
- [43:42]
A
I'm a huge advocate.
- [43:43]
B
If I'm traveling and I'm not with a partner. I'm masturbating like three, four times a week.
- [43:48]
A
Oh, my. No, same. Like, now that I'm single this year, I decided to, you know, take a break. Like I'm on this dating diet a little bit and everything. I'm still, you know, having a lot.
- [43:59]
B
Of like three, three times a week.
- [44:01]
A
Usually more like five times a week. Honestly, almost every now.
- [44:04]
B
And that's why your skin's so good.
- [44:06]
A
Thank you. Yeah.
- [44:07]
B
People with good skin, really, every time I ask them, they masturbate a lot.
- [44:10]
A
Yeah, yeah. No, we age with great skin, for sure.
- [44:13]
B
When you. I do it almost to have good skin.
- [44:15]
A
Sometimes I might skip a. Because, you know, sometimes of course I come home late or I'm exhausted, but in general, I just freaking do it. Because I love it.
- [44:23]
B
No, same.
- [44:24]
A
It relaxes me, puts me like in a great mood. Sometimes I even do it like in the morning on the weekends.
- [44:30]
B
And like, vibrators are like such a gift. Like such a gift. It's so pleasurable to use a vibrator.
- [44:37]
A
I'm so glad you're saying that because when I hear women saying I no, I don't do it, I'm like, why?
- [44:43]
B
No shame in the masturbation game.
- [44:45]
A
No, please do it right. Please do it. Oh my God. So many.
- [44:49]
B
That's horrible.
- [44:50]
A
Yes, that's homework. And the book, when is the book out for everybody out there?
- [44:54]
B
The book is already out for pre order and it will start shipping on October 21st.
- [44:58]
A
How do you like it? A guide for getting what you want in bed, which is what we all deserve and what we want. Dr. Tara, congratulations. You're doing incredible work. What's your Instagram so people can follow you?
- [45:09]
B
My Instagram is Love Bites. L U V B I T. Oh.
- [45:12]
A
Yeah, I love the name. And I'm putting the link for her website on this episode. If you guys are listening to the audio episode and on the video episode, her link is here. So you can go there, check out her work, get the book. Fantastic read. You are unbelievable. Even more beautiful in person. That's. And by the way, you have fantastic fashion sense.
- [45:30]
B
We have the same.
- [45:32]
A
I'm like, thank God I didn't wear it today. But it would have been cute.
- [45:35]
B
It would have been cute.
- [45:35]
A
We're like tweaked. Next time I'm definitely going to invite you back because I know we're going to have a million more questions for you and we're running out of time.
- [45:41]
B
Thank you so much.
- [45:42]
A
Thank you. It was such an honor. Have you guys go have great sex out there. Thank you.
- [45:47]
B
Bye. Bye.
- [45:48]
A
Be safe.