MARRIAGE LEASE - A NEW CONCEPT with AUTHOR FANY ROJAS

Summary

Episode Summary: "Marriage Lease - A New Concept with Author Fanny Rojas"

Podcast Title: Kat on the Loose Sex, Dating & Relationships
Host: Kat Zammuto
Guest: Fanny Rojas
Release Date: August 21, 2024

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Introduction

In this compelling episode of Kat on the Loose Sex, Dating & Relationships, host Kat Zammuto engages in an open and honest conversation with Fanny Rojas, the author of her debut book, Marriage Lease - A New Concept. The episode delves deep into their personal histories, the genesis of Fanny's book, and the innovative ideas it presents for modern relationships.

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How Kat and Fanny Met

Reconnecting in California

Kat and Fanny reconnect in California after years of being Instagram friends. Their relationship traces back to Miami, where they first met at a restaurant in South Beach.

• [00:00 - 03:51]: Kat introduces Fanny and provides background on her book, setting the stage for their conversation. They reminisce about their first meeting in Miami, highlighting the dynamics of that encounter. Kat recalls being at Semilla Miami restaurant, where she was managing social media accounts and happened to meet Fanny and her then-boyfriend.

• Notable Quote:
  Kat ([03:05]): “This is the first time that's coming out. How come we never talked about that night?”

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Their Relationship and Breakup

Living Together and the Decision Not to Marry

Fanny shares her past relationship with a successful and affluent boyfriend, emphasizing that neither of them desired a traditional legal marriage. They enjoyed a blissful life together but ultimately decided to part ways.

• [04:46 - 09:01]: The discussion covers the complexities of their past relationship, including living together without the intent to marry. Fanny explains that both she and her ex-partner were aligned in not pursuing legal marriage, which is a central theme in her book.

• Notable Quote:
  Fanny ([08:21]): “He was one of the few relationships that I had that I actually enjoy being with him and have fun.”

The Breakup and Its Aftermath

Kat and Fanny delve into the emotional challenges of breaking up with someone you still love. Fanny describes the steps she took to heal, including moving out of the country and focusing on self-care.

• [10:11 - 15:29]: Fanny discusses the difficulty of ending the relationship despite the love she felt, highlighting the importance of self-respect and recognizing when a relationship is no longer healthy. She shares how the breakup led to personal growth and inspired her to write Marriage Lease.

• Notable Quote:
  Fanny ([13:29]): “Judge yourself, and say am I getting all of these things?”

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Development of "Marriage Lease" Concept

Introducing the Marriage Lease

Fanny introduces the concept of a "Marriage Lease," a contractual approach to relationships that emphasizes accountability and continual growth without the bindings of legal marriage.

• [15:14 - 19:09]: The conversation shifts to the core idea of Fanny's book. She explains that a Marriage Lease functions similarly to a car lease, where couples outline their commitments and expectations annually. This structure encourages partners to actively work on their relationship, maintaining its health and vitality.

• Notable Quote:
  Fanny ([16:10]): “Marriage lease would be a contract that you do it with your partner outside of the legal and outside of the church.”

Key Principles of the Marriage Lease

Fanny outlines several principles that couples should consider when drafting their Marriage Lease, such as mutual respect, communication, and shared responsibilities.

• [20:03 - 26:20]: The discussion delves into specific clauses that can be included in a Marriage Lease, addressing sensitive topics like health, finances, and personal boundaries. Fanny emphasizes the importance of honesty and transparency in these agreements to prevent future conflicts.

• Notable Quote:
  Fanny ([21:17]): “I think that these are things that we think about, but yet we're so afraid to talk about.”

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Personal Insights and Conclusions

Empowerment Through Accountability

Both Kat and Fanny share personal insights on how active engagement and accountability can strengthen relationships. They advocate for regular check-ins and clear communication to ensure both partners remain aligned.

• [26:25 - 35:25]: Fanny and Kat discuss the benefits of implementing the Marriage Lease in real-life scenarios, including managing expectations and preventing complacency in relationships. They highlight the importance of setting boundaries and maintaining individual growth alongside the relationship.

• Notable Quote:
  Kat ([29:56]): “So it could happen. Let's. So how soon in a relationship should you be doing this?”

Addressing Sexual Compatibility

The conversation also touches on the crucial role of sexual compatibility in relationships. Fanny advises that sexual needs should be openly discussed and included in the Marriage Lease to ensure both partners are satisfied.

• [35:04 - 42:46]: They explore the significance of maintaining a healthy sexual relationship and how the Marriage Lease can help couples navigate changes in their sexual dynamics over time.

• Notable Quote:
  Fanny ([29:38]): “You want to have a lot of sex, right. And I tell all the guys. I mean, I don't think you're going…”

Final Reflections and Encouragement

Fanny reflects on her journey of self-discovery post-breakup and encourages listeners to prioritize their well-being and personal growth. Kat commends Fanny's bravery in establishing clear boundaries and advocating for healthy relationship practices.

• [43:36 - 46:47]: The episode concludes with mutual reflections on personal growth and the transformative power of ending unhealthy relationships. Both speakers emphasize the importance of learning from past mistakes to build better future partnerships.

• Notable Quote:
  Fanny ([47:26]): “I'm so much happier because we are creating and building up.”

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Key Takeaways

1. Marriage Lease Concept: A non-legal, yearly commitment contract that fosters accountability and continual relationship growth.
2. Importance of Boundaries: Clearly defined boundaries help prevent misunderstandings and promote mutual respect.
3. Regular Check-ins: Scheduled relationship assessments can ensure both partners remain aligned and address issues proactively.
4. Sexual Compatibility: Open discussions about sexual needs are essential for long-term relationship satisfaction.
5. Personal Growth: Prioritizing self-care and personal development is crucial, especially after a breakup.

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Notable Quotes

• Kat ([03:05]): “This is the first time that's coming out. How come we never talked about that night?”
• Fanny ([08:21]): “He was one of the few relationships that I had that I actually enjoy being with him and have fun.”
• Fanny ([13:29]): “Judge yourself, and say am I getting all of these things?”
• Fanny ([16:10]): “Marriage lease would be a contract that you do it with your partner outside of the legal and outside of the church.”
• Fanny ([21:17]): “I think that these are things that we think about, but yet we're so afraid to talk about.”
• Fanny ([29:38]): “You want to have a lot of sex, right. And I tell all the guys. I mean, I don't think you're going…”
• Fanny ([29:56]): “So it could happen. Let's. So how soon in a relationship should you be doing this?”
• Fanny ([29:38]): “You want to have a lot of sex, right. And I tell all the guys. I mean, I don't think you're going…”
• Fanny ([21:17]): “I think that these are things that we think about, but yet we're so afraid to talk about.”
• Fanny ([47:26]): “I'm so much happier because we are creating and building up.”

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Conclusion

This episode offers a fresh perspective on modern relationships through the lens of Fanny Rojas's Marriage Lease. By advocating for structured yet flexible commitments, Fanny provides couples with tools to maintain healthy, accountable, and evolving partnerships. Kat and Fanny's candid dialogue serves as both inspiration and practical guidance for listeners navigating the complexities of love, commitment, and personal growth.

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Interested in Fanny Rojas's Marriage Lease?
Available on Amazon. Kat is giving away signed copies—be among the first two listeners to message her on Instagram @realcatonthelose or via WhatsApp at 310-692-0578 to receive your free copy!

Transcript

[A]

My guest today, Fanny Rojas, wrote a very interesting book called Marriage A New Concept. It's actually a really great idea for a lot of couples out there to stay committed to check on whether or not they're still on the same page when it comes to their relationship. And it's probably a great idea for a lot of people who are not ready to actually go through with the legal marriage. I hope you guys enjoy my really fun conversation and I'll tell you guys all about how I met her, how we reconnected here in California. And the book is very fun, it's easy to read, it's short and it's available on Amazon now. Very interesting. Marriage lease.

[B]

I hope you guys like it.

[A]

And Cannon the Loose is gratefully sponsored by a local wonderful Los Angeles business, Gold Standard Builders, a design and construction company, licensed general contractors. A passionate team delivering great service, quality and fair pricing. They pay great attention to every detail. The owner, Adam Kornfeld, is so hands on with his projects. That's why their clients keep going back for more. So if you guys are thinking about remodeling your homes, a bathroom, a bedroom, maybe getting your backyards ready for summer. If you're interested in doing any projects in the great LA area, these are the guys that you definitely should go to. Super reliable, super nice. Give them a call for free estimates. 1-800-469-9189. Take a look at their website for amazing photos of their projects. Www.goldstandardbuilders.com Funny.

[B]

Welcome to Cat on the Loose.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

It's such a pleasure having you here.

[C]

Thank you for inviting me.

[B]

I know we're catching up. We haven't seen each other in ear.

[C]

I know, I know. It's been a while.

[B]

Yeah. So full disclosure, not only she's a fantastic writer, this is her first book, Marriage list, but we been friends, Instagram friends. We met in Miami many years ago. So before we talk about the book, let's rehash how we met.

[C]

Okay. You tell me if you remember because.

[B]

It'S important to put the book into context of your life.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

So when was that? Was it before COVID or after Covid?

[C]

Oh, way before.

[B]

Way before.

[C]

Oh yes.

[B]

Oh my God, life goes by so fast. So it was maybe 2021 or 2020 that we met. I was living in South Beach. You were living in South Beach. There is a fabulous restaurant in South Beach. And by the way, there's two of my clients. Huge shout out. Semilla Miami.

[C]

Miami. One of my favorite places. We would walk there I think we would have dinner every week.

[B]

I know Chef Fred, the owner. He's there every night. They make fantastic French food. And I lived right around the corner, and I started doing their social media accounts. I was there, like almost every night, I remember. So I was there doing some videos and photos. I think I was with a friend of mine sitting at the bar, and you walk in with your then boyfriend and now ex boyfriend and his friend. You guys were the group of friends?

[C]

Yes, yes, we were, I think group of six maybe.

[B]

And I don't remember why, but we started talking because one of his friends was single.

[C]

Yes. Well, you started talking to the group, and I thought I did. This girl's got some nerve just to come in here.

[B]

And you were annoyed. A little bit.

[C]

I was like, who is she? But no, I was not annoyed.

[B]

I know, because I love that about you because you're being very honest. I know, because my friend told me. Oh, she's not happy that you're talking to them because you are very possessed.

[C]

No, I didn't notice that. You were just like. I was.

[B]

I was just being nice.

[C]

I know. And now I know. But I think at the moment, I think I had this little wall, and Miami can be a little, you know, that way. But no, I'm. I. I'm so glad we met. And. And then after that, we actually came. Hang out with us. So we, you know, became friends.

[B]

Yeah. But wait, we're not done with that night yet.

[C]

Okay. Okay. Ooh, I'm nervous.

[B]

So I should have given you a drink before you.

[C]

Well, at least the questions. I love that you're so organic.

[B]

I'm organic.

[C]

I'm nervous of what's gonna come out of this.

[B]

Lisa. It's all good because obviously I adore you, but I remember that night. So you were in this relationship, serious relationship, committed relationship with your boyfriend. Let's call. What would you like to call him? Douche.

[C]

No, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's call him Jeff.

[B]

Jeff. Okay, Jeff. Okay.

[C]

No, Jeff.

[B]

You guys were in a committed relationship. You were living together, this dream life in his fabulous, multi gazillion dollar condo because he was a very successful guy and you are a very beautiful woman. If you guys are listening to the episode, please make sure you go watch the videos on my social media and YouTube because she's very beautiful. So you were there with a group of friends, and one of your friends was single. But I really was just. It was part of my job of, like, walking around Semila and just to everyone. And you Guys were having so much fun. I wanted to film you and everything, but I remember my friend Dylan that was there with me. She was like, that girl is really pissed. Because it is. Now, that's my first question to you. It's not about you, but tell me if you agree. I think it's a huge part of Latin culture. Girls are very possessive and jealous of their men by nature.

[C]

I think so, yeah. I think I was a little annoyed, but it wasn't even about being jealous. I just thought that. Okay, I wasn't sure if you were coming on to my boyfriend or his friend, so I wasn't sure. And I was a little standoffish at first.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And then I realized that you were homeless. You were friendly, you were sweet, and.

[B]

That I appreciate that. And so your boyfriend's friend, he. We were just saying off camera. He was such a weird dude. God bless his heart.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. I'm so nervous about this conversation. I don't know.

[B]

We're not naming names. I mean, it's not our fault if people go Google your life and find out who they are. He was a sweetheart, but he realized right away that he was a total weirdo. And I noticed, of course, he was flirting with me and everything. And I'm like, we can be friends, but that's it. Let's be friends. So at the end of the night, I obviously. I had had many glasses of wine back then. I used to drink way more. And I gave him my number. And then the next day he called me and he was like, oh, my friends are gonna go out on a boat. Which was your boyfriend's boat.

[C]

Right, Right.

[B]

And he said, do you wanna come? I said, I don't know. Is she gonna be mad at me and throw me?

[C]

So funny. I didn't know that you knew that back then. Okay, this. This is the first time that comes out. How come?

[B]

Because we never talked about that.

[C]

Yeah, we never talked about that night.

[B]

We haven't caught up. Well, because you were for. Obviously on the boat. I wasn't going to say anything.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But I was afraid if I came that you were going to be mad at me that I was there.

[C]

No, no, obviously I knew you were coming, so he asked. I was not.

[B]

Yeah. So. And I. And when did I go to your. Your apartment? I don't even remember if it was before or after the boat. Oh, it was that night. After. After.

[C]

Yeah, I think it was after.

[B]

But I have to say. So we went out on the boat, fed fabulous group of friends, and you are Very sweet and super chill about it. So I think you were, like, warming up to me. Yes.

[C]

I think that's when I got to know you better.

[B]

Yeah. But in general, even back then, when you now, looking back, in hindsight, do you think you were extra possessive, like, of, like, being afraid that of other women flirting with your boyfriend or vice versa?

[C]

God, looking back, I don't know. I think that I was just getting used to the culture of Miami. I think girls are very aggressive. So I. Yeah, maybe. I. I don't know. I can't really think back that long ago, but.

[B]

So, yeah, we're talking four years ago.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So then I ended up moving back to Beverly Hills. We lost contact a little bit for a minute. Although I follow you on social media. You follow me on social media? And then let's fast forward. I honestly thought you guys would be married by now, because looking from the outside in, to me, you guys have had the perfect relationship. Beautiful couple on your side. Because I always thought he looked a little douchey, but, like, gorgeous couple, living the dream. Because he makes a lot of money, right? Whatever he does. I don't know.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He has the boat, the condo, the car, and the girl.

[C]

We had. We had a good life. I think that. I think, you know, in his defense, I think we had a lot of fun together.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He was one of the few relationships that I had that I actually enjoy being with him and have fun. We did a lot of fun stuff. So I was in love for sure. I definitely was in love with him. And the breakup was hard for me, but it was a decision.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you were living together, you thought your guys were gonna get married?

[C]

No, no, because I didn't.

[B]

You didn't care about the marriage?

[C]

I didn't want to get married.

[B]

Then you wanted a commitment, and we both did.

[C]

We talked about. Neither one of us wanted to get married again. So we were on the same boat on that. That. The whole marriage thing.

[B]

Because you already been married, you have grown kids. You're like in another page of your life.

[C]

Totally. We wanted the same thing at that time.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. So me, now we're gonna talk about the breakup and getting to the book. Me following on social media, honestly, I thought, oh, these guys are gonna live happily ever after. What a dream couple. La, la, la, la. So when I saw that you published the book Marriage Lease, we started talking and you. And I said, oh, so how are you guys doing? You're like, no, we broke up.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And I was really surprised. And you broke Up. And that led you to write the book?

[C]

Well, not quite. I mean, the list that I. I don't know if the part that I wrote a list for him to.

[B]

We're gonna get to that, because I have a lot of questions about that.

[C]

So the book was not about the breakup. The book really came about with another friend who also agreed with me that getting married again is not necessary. Whatever. And we said. He actually said to me, how about it would be great to write a book? And he said, why don't you write it? And whatever. So the kind of. We work together with the concept. So the breakup was really hard for me, but I also knew that I wanted more, and I wanted to be comfortable with somebody that I could trust. And that was the main thing. I didn't.

[B]

So the main thing was that you thought he was flirting with other women?

[C]

He just. I just knew he wasn't loyal. And I think he. You know, some people want to be in a relationship and committed. I think he. From the beginning, pretty much, I think, told me that men are never going to be faithful.

[B]

Men meaning him. Because a lot of men are faithful, and a lot of men value their partners.

[C]

Sure. And I think that he. From the beginning, I should have listened, but I didn't. Instead, I had the mindset, oh, no, not with me. He'll be. And it wasn't the case.

[B]

It's the famous red flags that we avoid when we're in love with someone.

[C]

And the longer you wait, the more invested you are. So it's harder to get out.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I have to say something. When you told me you broke up with him, I had an extra layer of admiration towards you. And I'll tell you why. Because I know how insanely difficult it is to break up with someone that we still love.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Most people don't have the guts, the courage. They stay in their relationship forever and ever. It took me 14 years growing the courage to get out of an abusive marriage because I loved my husband so much. I know how hard that is.

[C]

But I kind of prepared myself. I think I knew in my mind that I was going to break up, and I was preparing myself mentally. And then after the breakup, I blocked him, and I. And I. You know, I know that 21 days where you don't talk to the person, it's easier to kind of adapt. So I did a lot of that and a lot of. I separated myself completely to the point of moving out of the country.

[B]

But it's. Well, it's. Regardless. Yeah. Obviously, you did everything Right. But it's still a really difficult step.

[C]

Of course it was. It was. I had a hard time for a while, and now, of course, it's over.

[B]

Now you're happier, prettier, richer, more gorgeous, Everything a million times better. Of course. And he's probably always going to look back and say, like, I took her for granted and I lost her.

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I don't know. And it doesn't matter, but.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, to you, it doesn't matter. But that's usually what happens with someone that they, you know. And a lot. It happens to a lot of guys, but women, too. Like, we say, I want to have the perfect relationship I want to have. And then when they find it, they cannot appreciate it enough.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And they think, oh, there is some better fish in the sea. And then they go fish. And then when they lose that perfect situation, they're never going to have that level of a fabulous relationship again. And then they look back in inside and they regret it. You know?

[C]

Yeah, maybe. I don't know. It is not my concern right now, but I agree with you. And I also think that I've done that in my life where I've been in a great relationship, and I thought, well, what else is out there? And then you don't value that person. So we all do it subconsciously or, you know, so it's. I think it's just a learning curve for sure.

[B]

But I do think once you break up with someone you still love and you know that that person is not good for you, hopefully we've all done that. Instead of staying in an unhappy relationship, I was just telling about the situationship that I broke up with someone that I was really in love with for almost two years. But I know he's so toxic for me. I think it's very empowering.

[C]

Thank you. And I think it is. I think it is.

[B]

And like you said, as the days go by, you start feeling stronger.

[C]

Of course. And I also feel like everything happens for a reason. I think my time with him taught me different things, you know, and one of them is to value myself. Because if the person is with you doesn't treat you with respect, walk away.

[B]

There's nothing else.

[C]

Nothing else. Yeah. And I think that was the main thing. Respect. I didn't feel respected. And now I feel like, okay, I will look at the signs from the beginning.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. That's what I was saying to you. That happened to me just from doing the podcast. I got tangled up with so many bad guys after Bad guys that were still disrespecting me, cheating on me. Then finally one day I'm like, what the hell? Learn from your mistake. Now we know our value. We know what we want. And what you're never going to accept again. Totally. After all of that, you felt empowered and encouraged. Like, you know what? I am going to be a writer. I'm gonna go for this.

[C]

Yes. Yes. And the book just was very organic, too, with my friend Michael, by the way. He's. I hope he'll be listening to this. You know, when he said we should, he said, I would write the book, but I don't have time. He said, why don't you do it and I'll fund it? And, you know, so that was very sweet of him that he trusted me in the first part of the book where I talk about. Love is a verb, is what he said. He says, fanny, love is something that you have to. It's an action. You can't just say, oh, I'm in love, or whatever. You got to work at it. And sometimes it's a decision as well. Like, we think, oh, you're just magically going to be in love. No, you say, okay, this person in front of me. I'm going to look at this person say, is this good enough? And then you build that love and the trust in it. Because it took. I didn't fall in love right away with him. It took me a while, and then all of a sudden I'm like, oh, my God, I really love this guy. But in a way, was. Because I didn't know what was going on behind the scenes, so I fell in love with the potential.

[B]

Yeah, I think you fell in love with the idea, with your head in your mind of him. Like we do so many times. We idealize that person. We want that person to be everything we want. It's so disappointing when they're not.

[C]

Exactly. And so now I feel like I've learned a lot. So the book.

[B]

Yeah, let's talk about the book. Marriage, lease, right?

[C]

So the idea is that after you been married, been there, done that, you know, you think that getting married again, your chances of divorce are much greater, first of all. So you're going in knowing that it might end up in divorce. So why do it? You're right. Why do it? But in a way, I think that this gives you the yearly lease, basically. And I was talking to somebody recently, and they said, well, we do this weekly. We sit down and we make sure that we don't build up situations in.

[B]

A nutshell for people that haven't read the book yet, can you, like, explain the concept? Like, what would be a marriage lease? Okay.

[C]

Marriage lease would be a contract that you do it with your partner outside of the legal and outside of the church. So basically, you have a committed relationship where you can sit down and say, okay, I want. I want to commit a relationship, but what can we do? What, what, what will it take to make this work? And you write down a lease, like a car lease. Okay. For example, you get a car lease.

[B]

Which, by the way, you show, like on the last page of the book, it's right here, a sample marriage lease agreement.

[C]

Right, right. So that's just. And I wanted to do another ones where it would be funnier. But you know that. That will come later. But yeah, why not? This gives you that. What's the word? The empowerment of saying, okay, what can I do to keep this lease? You know, like, for example, if you lease a car, you want to make sure that the car is kept in good condition or you don't get, you know, you have to pay extra. You know, so it's like a little push to say, okay, I want to keep this relationship going and make it better. Every year, instead of a lot of people get married and then they're like, oh, I'm married. I don't have to do anything. You know, so we forget to water the plant.

[B]

And a few months ago, I interviewed one of the top divorce attorneys in the country. She's a celebrity divorce attorney. Her name is Christina Royce. She's fantastic, by the way. A really good episode. Anybody that's thinking about getting married because. And she's happily married, but she's very matter of fact about it, and she said, marriage is a business contract. And I completely agree. Right. It has so many consequences, especially financial legal consequences. But when people are in love and I see I have so many younger friends, it's hilarious. Like, they meet a guy and they're already like trying wedding dress.

[C]

Exactly, exactly.

[B]

But that they don't think about the important part about it. It's a document, you know, you're tied up legally to that person for many reasons.

[C]

Well, the thing is, for example, I think that I agree with people that get married and want to have kids and build a life, so go for it. You know, I'm not saying marriage is a bad thing or, you know, the legal part, but after you've been there, done that, you don't want to have kids. What. The only thing you take out of here is the having to go through an attorney to get, you know, paid ton of money. So if you go in saying, look, this is what I have, this is what you have. What can we do to work this together? It makes it easier, you know?

[B]

Yeah. So you explain in the book, like, everything in detail. Like, of course, you talk a lot about the, you know, divorce rate and all that stuff and how to keep the sparks alive. And then you talk a little bit about how you would manage finances. So, like, if somebody decides, okay, I'm going to do a marriage lease, meaning it's temporary, you basically can put everything in there, Everything that's important to you.

[C]

Exactly, exactly.

[B]

Like, if I'm super rich and you're not, I can put there, like, you know, if we decide to terminate this relationship disagreement, you're not going to take any of my stuff, you're not going to ask me for money.

[C]

Would say, this is like a prenup. And it is, but it's not because you're still not going through the legal.

[B]

Through court. So it's just between two people.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So someone out there listening could say, well, if it's just between two people, it's not enforceable. What good is it? Why am I going to go through the trouble?

[C]

Right. But it is enforceable. If you make it enforceable.

[B]

You know, how do you make it enforceable?

[C]

You know, you trust the person and at the end of the day, you go with, okay, so here's another thing, aside from the financial part. Let's say that. And I do talk about my friends who, her boyfriend got really heavy, and she's like, no, no, no, I. I can't do this.

[B]

Or have you, like, gained, like, weight.

[C]

A lot of weight. So it's, it's.

[B]

Did they have something there on the marriage lease about weight?

[C]

They were.

[B]

That's a very sensitive.

[C]

I know somebody said that. How can you say that?

[B]

Sean is laughing here. My son, like, I would be really offended if my boyfriend told me, you cannot be over 117 pounds.

[C]

But these are things that we think about, but we don't say them. Okay? So that's the difference. Like you, for example, you.

[B]

But would you.

[C]

Okay, so let's say that I meet my person and this person is heavy. I'm fine with it, you know, whatever.

[B]

Right.

[C]

But you meet someone who's, let's say, fit, and it's always at the gym, and then all of a sudden we get married and he decides, I don't want to let them.

[B]

You let themselves go.

[C]

Exactly. So it's more about letting Themselves go. It's not about. Even about parents. It's about saying, look, I don't care enough about how you see me, whatever. So at that point. So it isn't a little.

[B]

But how do you bring it up? Like, let's say you're sitting down like your boyfriend say, okay, I'll do the marriage lease because I love you. Let's try it out. How do you approach. Because some subjects, money, looks, certain things are very delicate.

[C]

Well, the weight part, I would approach it as a health issue, number one. And number two, let's say this person has some health issues they can't work out that I would not leave my person because she already invested. And you love the person. So it's not, it's not being that insensitive.

[B]

No, you're very. I think you're actually very delicate the way you bring it up.

[C]

I know, because I do think that these are things that we think about, but yet we're so afraid to talk about.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And this is why the affairs. Let's say you married somebody and then your wife looks amazing and then 10 years later, she puts on a lot of weight.

[B]

Which, by the way, parenthesis is one of the top five complaints about most men is that they married this gorgeous woman. I'm not saying most women don't kill me because I know I get a million mess. But most women, they get married and they let themselves go, right? They're like, oh, I already got him, whatever. And guys don't like that. They complain about it.

[C]

And that's how the affair start. And that's how, you know. So I think having a lease, you're. You're putting everything out there.

[B]

You're putting a little pressure.

[C]

Pressure and also honesty, you know, and saying, look, if this happens, I might want to review. Renew the lease or not renew it. And maybe we need to talk about this. And so when I was. This last time I was in Costa Rica, I met this friend, Hera. She's amazing. And I was telling her about my book and she said, this is what I used to do. Her husband died two years ago. And she said we used to. Every year some people do it more often. But she said every year they would sit down at their anniversary and write down their list of things they want to change, the things that are good. And I thought, whoa, that's.

[B]

I like that. I do too.

[C]

And she said that's what kept their marriage so vibrant for so long. And I was happy to hear that because she read the book and she thought be was Right on on what they do.

[A]

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[B]

I kind of like the idea because I think it would make people maybe more accountable. Because, like, if we love someone, even if you're not married, like, you live together, like it was your case with your boyfriend, or you're even dating someone, like, past the beginning of the honeymoon, six months, one year into it, people have a tendency of, you know, letting go a little bit. Even like sex right in the beginning, it's like, oh, I want to have a lot of it. And then they get lazy.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

And other. And like you said, looks. So I think maybe this is a great idea for accountability.

[C]

That's it. That's the word I was looking for earlier. Accountability. That's it. And we forget to do that. And another thing that I've noticed is when you get married, you say, till death do us apart.

[B]

Well, that's a long time.

[C]

That's a long time. Because back then, people didn't live as long as we do now. So it's a long time to. And you. I'm not saying you. You couldn't. But if you have something like this, you can definitely change with the times versus you can do whatever. And I'll still be married to you. No, it's unfair. And then. Okay, so another thing. I agree.

[B]

I like that. Yeah.

[C]

I was watching this movie, and the guy was getting married for the second time, and the daughter was very upset. And so he said, the wedding, and he says, till death to us apart. And I'm thinking he did that with the mom, too. So how true is that? We say things that we don't mean because you don't know. You don't know what could happen.

[B]

Ideally, it's always amazing if you meet someone that you love so much, and obviously there are a lot of people out there and you know you're gonna be together forever. I think that's our first choice.

[C]

That's the goal.

[B]

But like you said many times, that's not life. Because people change. They evolve. Circumstances change. I have examples, and I'm actually proud of myself in that sense. The few, very few relationships and boyfriends that I had ever since Anthony died, I. We realized that we were not a good match for many reasons, and we remained friends. Like, I have a very friendly, very nice relationship with everybody I dated, and I think that's important. And maybe like you said, if you put it on paper and you go read it a year later and you realize you're in such different pages, then you're like, you know, What? What? Let's repurpose our relationship. Maybe we're better as friends.

[C]

Totally. That's the goal.

[B]

I love that.

[C]

That's the idea.

[B]

So let's talk about the sex part for a minute because this is so important. It's important to me and probably to you as well. I was in almost sexless marriage for 14 years because my husband was very conservative. He drank a lot. The more money he made, the more he drank. Anyway, total chaos once I got out of it. And now I'm rebuilding my life. It's a very important part of our relationship for me. I don't to be in that situation again. I. When I'm in a relationship, I want to have a lot of sex, right. And I tell all the guys. I mean, I don't think you're going.

[C]

To get a lot of complaints about.

[B]

No, but listen, every guy in the beginning when they dating, especially when they want to get to the bed, like, oh, I love it, I like it every night. La la la la la. Even my ex boyfriend or girls like my ex boyfriend. Oh, I same. I, I want to have a. But then they start getting lazy about it. Then it's like once a week, twice a week, every other week. How? On a marriage lease.

[C]

But the same thing, you add that into. And I think that's a very important factor and you should put that on your list and say, listen, if you're very sexually said sex is very important to me. Less compromise, it might not be for the other person, but maybe get to a point where you both are happy, where you don't feel forced in, where he or she, you know, where they don't feel like they have to do something they don't want to do. But if you're not sexual, then those are things you want to know up front because it's not going to change.

[B]

It's going to get worse.

[C]

It's going to get worse. So, so if you put that in there, you can. And maybe a year later you can say, okay, well this is not working the way we thought it was. What happened to the sex? So, you know, you can easily talk about those things because you're already going with this idea.

[B]

So it could happen. Let's. So how soon in a relationship should you be doing this? Let's say you're dating someone for six months, right? And you guys really, really, really like a child. Then you bring it up. Oh, by the way, I would love to try this out. So once you're writing it down, could it happen maybe right? Like the Very first time. Once you start writing it, you realize that you guys are not on the same page.

[C]

Of course. And I think that's a good way to see. Yeah, for sure. Because you write your the things are important to you and these are things that don't come out unless you have something silly like this, let's look at this book, let's do this, whatever. And then you can see that, you know, maybe you're not so compatible. And so when do you do it? I think that if you're with somebody for six months exclusively, I think six months is probably the time where you know, okay, where is this going? Because sometimes we waste our time. I mean when you're in your 20s and 30s, maybe it's like whatever. But you know, like you said to me earlier, you're dating consciously.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

You want a partner. So are you going to date a million guys? No. So you know what you want. So you go into a relationship with someone that also wants a relationship relationship. And so I think within six months you say okay, where's this going? Do you want a relationship to bless or whatever? And then you, you, I would say.

[B]

It'S a good idea to do it before you even think about moving. Like if you're thinking about moving in together.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, let's do.

[C]

And I think six months is kind of like the movement together at this point.

[B]

Yeah, I agree.

[C]

Or maybe, maybe not.

[B]

Obviously there's variations, but I agree with you. I don't want to waste time a year, two years of my life. Usually for guys, believe it or not, it's like between three and four months. A lot of guys will date you for like three and then they're like, okay, I want to guys a month.

[C]

You never know.

[B]

Oh yeah. I think a month is a little much of like a love bombing. Like if, if the guy's already treating you like I want you here, I want to do this, I want to do that. No, no, no. Like you are ready in a committed relationship. To me that a pink flag.

[C]

So pink. Yeah, I, I, I think six months is a good number and cuz you.

[B]

Need, you need more. Like I don't think you can know someone in a month.

[C]

Oh no, no, no.

[B]

That's really, really soon.

[C]

Really soon. But you do know the person when you're spend a lot of time with them.

[B]

Of course.

[C]

And that's part of you living with somebody before you go.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, whether you want to get married or not. You know some people want to get married and, and I did.

[B]

Some people have that dream. Yeah, I agree. But in your case, just like a personal question. I love the idea, by the way, because you and I have been married. It's not a priority to me to get married on paper. But if you met someone that it's really important to them and you were in love and he did the marriage lease, but then another year later, he's like, but it's really, really important to me to get married, would you do it?

[C]

Yes. Oh, yeah. So I'm not completely against. I would do it.

[B]

I would change my mind if I met the right partner and it was so, so important to him. I would be flexible.

[C]

And I think it's usually the other way around. I think mostly women are the ones that.

[B]

Yeah, we are, but we are. Like, we don't care.

[C]

No, no, I don't care. But I think men are happy not being married necessarily.

[B]

It depends on the man.

[C]

No, true.

[B]

Some men, yes.

[C]

Very true, very true. But it depends.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I guess that's very interesting because things are changing and, you know, but this is what I think. And I always tell girls that. Tell me if you agree, because I have some friends here in la. They haven't been married before. Okay. But they're a little desperate. Like, that's all they say. I want to get married, I want to get married, I want to get married. They even scare guys away because, like, the first, second date, they already tell the dude. They put everything on the table, and then they start dating the guy. And they put all this pressure, like, hey, dude, you better propose soon if you know what you're doing. Na, na, na, na. I actually have one friend that it's even the more extreme. She's been dating the guy for a few months since February. They are already moving in together, and she's already trying on wedding dresses. He hasn't even proposed yet.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

And they're gonna go on vacation. I'm not even gonna say where. And she was like, well, he better propose when we go to. I'm like, dude, you're putting so much pressure on this guy, even if he's madly. I think men don't like that.

[C]

No, no, no, I don't. I don't think.

[B]

Do you agree?

[C]

And we don't like that either. Nobody likes pressure.

[B]

But I think men. And even if they love you, they want to be the men. Like, they want to get to that point.

[C]

Yes. And I think that's when I did my list with my ex. I think that after the fact, I've noticed that there was pressure on my part was that let's get married by the same day. I'm thinking guys don't like that. I didn't like that.

[B]

And this is why I think we attract such great quality partners because we are not pressuring them. We have our own things going on. And once you release that pressure, I think they feel more comfortable coming and being near you and deciding what they want. I think pressure is a really bad.

[C]

Idea, but I think I did that.

[B]

So. Okay, let's talk. That's the part that I'm really excited to talk about.

[C]

Oh, no.

[B]

Okay, lady. So you did a list. Okay, let's talk about your list.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[B]

It's on page 43 if you guys want to get the book and follow. Because it's a really fun book, by the way, because it's very short. I like short books because I'm so busy. I love to read, but I don't have time to read those 400 page books like I used to anymore. Now it has to be fast and furious.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

And so I love it. So on page 43 you talk a little bit about your story. And it was after. Yeah. You had moved out and you guys were thinking about getting back together.

[C]

Right, I moved out and then we actually did get back together. We did get back together three months later.

[B]

He begged. Begged.

[C]

No, no, no. He had three months to go have fun, which he did. I'm sure he probably went crazy. You know, Miami's an easy place to get crazy with girls and everything.

[B]

Listen, any place. By the way, this geography excuse. I agree, Miami is chaotic. It's a hellhole. But if a guy wants to go crazy, quote unquote, believe me, if he's in Nebraska, he's going to fuck the secretary at lunchtime. The girl that works at Burger King, pardon my friendship.

[C]

I love her direct yard.

[B]

Because if guys want to be in trouble or have fun, it's not geography that's going to keep it. So these dudes that are douche because they're in Miami, they're going to be a douche anywhere.

[C]

That's true. That's.

[B]

I promise you.

[C]

So we got back together after three months of. And I already moved out. So we were dating, living separate places. And then. But prior to getting back together, I came up with the list.

[B]

And in case he wanted you back.

[C]

No, no, no, no. We. This is after I decided to get him back. So it wasn't.

[B]

Okay. So you decided.

[C]

So we got back together, we talked, blocked. And then I said, you made a.

[B]

List called boundaries and Rules.

[C]

Yes. Basically I said, these are the things that I need from you in order for this relationship.

[B]

Okay, let's read the list because we have to talk about some of it, right? Yeah. It's a little much.

[C]

A little much. Exactly.

[B]

If somebody gave me this list and you know I love you, of course, but I'm telling you, if somebody gave me this list, I would be like here. Exactly. But because I like giving this thing. But we are the same. I like being loyal and giving these things voluntarily.

[C]

Right.

[B]

But. Okay, let's read the list. Okay.

[C]

All right.

[B]

It's very short. Share location.

[C]

That's. Okay, first of all. Okay, that's kind of. Remember when I wrote this list, I.

[B]

Thought, yeah, you're not. I know you're not in the same mind. No headspace anymore.

[C]

No, I'm not. But I also, I didn't think he was going to take this seriously. I didn't think he was going to agree to this.

[B]

Yeah. So you were making it super tough.

[C]

Yeah, super tough.

[B]

Okay, so share location. Call to check in when you're traveling. No hookups. I mean, that should go without saying. We prioritize our kids first, then us. You will not get random girls. Phone number. Same. That's just like basic respect, right? Do not stare at other women in front of me. Again, basic respect. I mean, come on, we all like looking at beautiful people. Of course, I love looking beautiful men.

[C]

But staring is a whole.

[B]

But I agree. If you're sitting at a table, someone like, like, come on, have some respect. Like you're going back to the basics. Respects. We discuss all the guys trips before you plan. By the way, this dude is not 30. This dude is like almost 70 now.

[C]

I know you're so.

[B]

He's in his 60s.

[C]

No, he's. He's not.

[B]

I mean, boys trip. I mean, come on. He's. He's a Peter Pan.

[C]

He's a. Yes, he had. Definitely had that. He, he did a lot of guys trip.

[B]

The way like you talk guys trips. Like, okay, if you're in college, 25, 28, 29, like it's so funny. 30, but like a 60 something year old dude that's already like, you know, come on.

[C]

Okay, but very true.

[B]

This one really bothers me and I'll tell you why. Okay. We will share passwords to our phones.

[C]

No, it bothers me too. I don't want to do that. I don't.

[B]

And I'll tell you why. It's not because I'm very. I'm an open book, as you can see. Everybody knows my entire life is out there. And if my boyfriend wants to see my phone, I'm like, my ex boyfriend, he still has the codes of my phone to this day. In case there's an emergency with me, my dogs. I'll be like, sure, go ahead and look. But to me, if somebody tells me, I'll give me your. It makes me feel like you don't trust me. And that's the problem I have. I want to be trusted because I'm proud of being loyal.

[C]

Right. But remember, all of this is after I have a reason why. So nothing is wrong.

[B]

You were feeling insecure.

[C]

That too. But I had my reasons.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. But. So this is what I'm going to say if you get to the point that you are asking someone, I want to see your phone. I want to know your password. I want you to share location all the time. It's already. You should already not go back. It's like the famous broken glass.

[C]

Totally. And yes, it's not done yet.

[B]

We have a few more. All the stuff you see is like. Should go without. You should not have to ask for it. Like this one. Anniversaries are important. Well, no.

[C]

Right. Actually, that was the end of our relationship. It was. Our anniversary was coming up and he had a guy strip plan, and so that.

[B]

Did he remember the date?

[C]

He did. And he planned his trip right on that day.

[B]

He's a narcissist douche.

[C]

Well, anyway, so that's. That's why I put that in there, because I thought, you know, it was.

[B]

I know you agree with me. You're just being polite and you don't want to say because he's gonna listen to the episode.

[C]

I don't know that he's gonna listen.

[B]

Oh, yeah, he will. Trust me. Oh, I feel bad person you are. So go get some therapy before you. You hurt some other woman out there. Yes. Really?

[C]

Okay, let's go on with the list.

[B]

Be selective with friendships, keeping them age appropriate. Like, same.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Age appropriate if you're not age appropriate.

[C]

Well, most of guy's friends in Miami are probably in their late 20s, early 30s, so I thought that was kind.

[B]

Of Peter Pan, maybe makes him feel younger. Yeah, because he's not. Yeah, he's in his 60s.

[C]

Well, not way older than anyways.

[B]

And you, by the way, that's one thing. I'm not joking. Even if you guys had married, I would tell you that you're so very. Sean is cracking up. No, I'm just honest. When I met you guys and I realized that you Guys were a couple back then. I'm sorry. But I was really surprised because you looked a million years younger than him. Like, seriously, even back then. I know you were in love, but you looked, like, 20 years younger than him.

[C]

Wow. Okay. Well, I. I don't know.

[B]

I kind of, like, everybody said that, too, by the way, even his friends. Like, when we're on the boat. Because you have a killer body.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. Okay, you're going with the list.

[B]

No, you guys can go on her Instagram. But I'm saying the truth. I'm not, like, buttering up. I'm just saying, like, it is. If he was super handsome, I would say. But it was shocking. Strikingly, like, the difference between you guys. But, I mean, you shouldn't have to tell a boyfriend that an anniversary is important.

[C]

I know. I know. I. And this is why.

[B]

And yeah, you shouldn't tell a boyfriend to be age appropriate. Right. He's not your kid.

[C]

No, I know. And that's how kind of.

[B]

I would never. If I had. Even if I had to say that to a guy, I wouldn't even say it.

[C]

I know. And it was kind of like, oh, yeah, this one.

[B]

That's the pressure. But you would never do that again.

[C]

No.

[B]

I want to get married before September 22nd. Pre nup. No problem. Run off to Vegas. So you put the marriage thing on the line?

[C]

Yeah, I did. I thought that was, like, the ultimate, like, are you committed to me? It was. All of it was. So I know how obnoxious that list was.

[B]

But you changed.

[C]

I did. No, but the thing is, he. Like I said in there, he agreed to it. And I was kind of happy because I thought, oh, my God, he really loves me. He's willing to do these things.

[B]

I think he really loved you.

[C]

But then I realized that you can't force someone to be the person. That doesn't come natural. Exactly. I don't want to share my password. I don't want. I don't want to do that. But I want to trust the person so much. And I did. I trusted him so much for so long until I got to see things.

[B]

It's heartbreaking, right?

[C]

It was heartbreaking because you loved. At that point, you already love the person.

[B]

And, you know, I know we're invested, but this is what I was going to say. First of all, you're very brave for putting the list out there, because I hope every girl and guy read the list. And if you are doing that to your significant other or other, ask yourself, why do you really want to be with someone that you got to like share location. If they love you, they're happy to do like, oh, here I am. This is what I'm doing. I miss you. I think these are things that we all deserve organically.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

Voluntarily.

[C]

I would never, if I had any of that on the new person, I would not.

[B]

Yeah, like all these things. Like, I want my guy to like you to like plan an anniversary. This is shit you say to your kids.

[C]

I know.

[B]

Where are you? Right. So this is a really good checklist list for everyone. Because I would ask myself, am I getting all of these things? And if you're not, there is a problem. And if you are asking all of these things, there is a bigger problem. But it's very brave of basically go.

[C]

On Fannie's list and don't do this thing.

[B]

Exactly. Page 43 of the book, the marriage list. So you guys got back together. Obviously he didn't do it.

[C]

Well, no, I gotta say, one of the things he did say, he says, fanny, I did everything on the list. And. But, but he, he did him, actually. I just felt like I was forcing him to do it. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

But everything happens for a reason. Right? Because you left him and you're so much happier.

[C]

Yeah. You know, I moved to Costa Rica. I got to kind of self discover. I went there and I got time alone to be on my own and realized that looking back, I obviously learned a lot from that relationship. And now I know what not to do.

[B]

Exactly. And we learn from our mistakes. And I think taking these breaks is so good. I call them the man diet. And I do those a lot. You heard that episode after, like, I get out of a relationship, I really, I focus on myself. I focus all that energy on me, my projects, my work. And it's really good. I'm proud of doing that because I'm not in a hurry. I don't want to have sex with random strangers. And during those months, when I take a break, everything flourishes for me. And I feel like I'm an even better partner for the right person. For me. Like it's happening to you now.

[C]

Yes, absolutely.

[B]

You're a very brave girl.

[C]

Thank you. So are you. I think that's every time that something bad happens, something better is on the other side. We learn from our mistakes, we learn from our pain.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I think if your life is so easy, you just don't even have the need to grow. You just go with the flow and all is good.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

So I don't know. I think for the first Time maybe in my life that I'm so comfortable with me, with what I want. Yeah.

[B]

You look amazing.

[C]

I think if I would have stayed in that relationship, I wouldn't be where I am today. So for that, I'm grateful that he didn't.

[B]

I think when we are going through the pain and a breakup, it's very hard to see it because we are in pain. And that's why most people stay, because they don't want to get out of it. But once you do that and you're strong enough, you realize why. It was like me when I left that marriage. Even my mom, my mom was alive, and she was like, you're crazy. He's a multimillionaire. You have this letter, but I knew it was something that I needed to do. And now you saw my life.

[A]

Life.

[B]

You saw I work like crazy. I don't have the same luxury or anything, but I've never been happier because we are creating and building up. And like I said, I said, it's so empowering.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

To be on your own. And I think it makes you a much better partner.

[C]

Oh, absolutely. That's the thing, I think, to find. Okay, going back to that. I think when I met him, I was not the right partner either. So I'm not going to put all the blame on him. I think that I was living in Miami. I was. I was going out a lot. I was drinking a lot. So I attracted someone that was at that same level of vibration or whatever. So I feel like that's what happened. And then I was changing, but he wasn't changing. And that's when the disconnect. That's the disconnect. And now I'm like, okay, I think that I'm in a good place to attract better and be with somebody that deserves me and that I deserve them.

[B]

I love that. And now you are a fabulous writer because I know you're already working on the site. I'm gonna bring you back for the second one, guys. The book Marriage Leaves a new concept by Funny Rojas. I love saying that name. And it's on Amazon, so it's also in Spanish. I have it. Oh, I love that. Oh, there you go. I love it. Go grab it. Because like I said, such a fun read. And try it out with your partner because it keeps you accountable. And she's gonna sign two copies, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm gonna give them away. So the first two people that listen to the podcast, send me a message. WhatsApp, 130-533-20338. If you want to shoot me a message on Instagram. You guys know the Instagram. It's real Cat on the loose or Cat Zamuto. And we are all over the place. The first two people that send a message say, I want the signed book by Fanny. You're gonna get your free copy FedEx anywhere in the world. I will send it. We have audiences in 55 countries, so anywhere in the world. The first two people that are listening, hit me up. You get the free book signed by Fanny and you look gorgeous. It's so fun. And now we're gonna go have a great lunch and gossip more and please come back to Canada. Lose with the next book, I predict you're gonna be a best selling book writer for now. Congratulations.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

It was so nice having you girls. Be safe out there, guys. Be safe out there. Don't be douches. Thank you. See you guys very soon.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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