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- [00:01]
A
Valentine's Day is coming, and whether you're planning a romantic date night with your partner or you're single and fully committed to loving yourself, I need to tell you about something I'm genuinely obsessed with. I've been using the Chorus Pro from We Vibe and I am absolutely in love with it. What I love the most is that it's designed for couples so both partners can experience pleasure together and at the same time. But let me be very clear. If you're single, this is just as fun. You can enjoy it on your own, explore, and make Valentine's Day all about you. It has 10 vibration modes, 10 intensity levels, it's 100 waterproof, and it can be controlled through the We Vibe app from anywhere in the world. Yes, anywhere. And every We Vibe product comes with a two year warranty and free, free discrete shipping, which I love. If you want to turn Valentine's Day into something unforgettable, head to We Vibe.com that's We Vibe.com and use my code, Cat V Day. Cat K A T V Day for 20 off site wide. Because pleasure should feel confident, fun, and totally on your terms.
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B
Natalie.
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A
Gorgeous. Welcome to Cut on the Loose.
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B
Thank you so much for having me.
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A
You look so beautiful. I feel like I should have dressed up.
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B
No, you look great. I've always seen like, you're beautiful already. I'm not the type of woman that can do like the sweats and go out and look cute. And I always see the girls doing that with getting their nails done. I go out and I look like, you look fab. You have to do this.
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A
I mean, my life is like, I'm the dog mom. So, you know, I wake up and I'm out the door of my dog. So today when I was like, okay, we gotta come here and do this, I'm like, okay. Literally the only thing I have time to change is from tennis shoes to boots.
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B
That's it.
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A
Like, I'm in my dog mom attire. But you look spec, like the movie star that you are.
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B
Thank you very much.
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A
So many things I want to talk to you about. So if you're ready, let's rock and roll fast and furious. Let's do this. Let's do this. I love your energy. So, I mean, you're an actor. You've. I. I looked at your IMDb page. You've done a lot of really cool stuff.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So how do you shift from that to deciding to helping people? You know, becoming a. I want to talk about the hypnotism part of your work. Because I've never done that. And I know there are a lot of skeps. How do you shift from. Because it's two totally different worlds, Right.
- [02:37]
B
Well, for me, I found the through line. So I actually studied psychology in college, Got a degree in it, but I was actually double major criminology and psychology. Because I always wanted to be a filmmaker. Always knew I wanted to be an actor. Always. Since I was 5. But we weren't really allowed that kind of pathway growing up because it was too scary. You could go broke.
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A
Where'd you grow up?
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B
In Connecticut and in Florida. So we did. I'm from Connecticut. And then we moved to Florida. I consider myself northeast through and through, like I am when I go back home. That's New York, Connecticut. That's the tri state area. That's how I speak. That's how my family speaks.
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A
So your family wasn't supportive of you being an actor?
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B
No, they really. They didn't want. They watched other people struggle. We didn't have artists in the family, so we didn't have anything mirrored back, you know?
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A
Yeah, same.
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B
But. Oh, yeah.
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A
I was always the black sheep.
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B
Oh, yeah. And it was crazy because I grew up on stage. I was doing tap, jazz, ballet, pointe. I grew up dancing. Yeah. Flute and piccolo, like gymnastics. And then I was, like, dancing around in a boat, like, always performing. My whole family was like, she's gonna be an actress. But what I was grateful for, though, is that I went into psychology for college. But I was actually double major for a bit because I thought, okay, if I can't be a filmmaker, then I'll be a criminal profiler for the FBI. That seems about the same. But what happened was. This is actually what happened. I was so scared, I wasn't able to speak up and I wasn't able to use my voice and really say, this is what I want and this is who I am. And I remembered I saw an interview with Tom Cruise when I was growing up, and I love his work. I think he's.
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A
He's incredible.
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B
He's incredible. And he's a wonderful human being on sets and everything. And I've heard so many wonderful things. And I found out that he had a degree in psychology, and it's human behavior.
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A
Yeah.
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B
So I was fascinated by human behavior. So what happened is I studied that, got out of college, used my voice, jumped into acting, started doing TV shows and movies and all that. And then. But I was always helping people. And I was always helping people. Since I was a kid, people would tell me their secrets People would tell me, right?
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A
I was like, I seem very approachable.
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B
It's crazy. Cause I'm like, I don't think I. But then I'll also have people that tell me I'm intimidating. So it was a very weird, like, I said, largest.
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A
So I'm sure, like, men must be intimidated.
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B
Well, women too. I would actually get a lot of. I had a lot of issues with women growing up. And I didn't know because I didn't consider myself beautiful. I didn't see. You live with yourself every day.
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A
You don't see it. You get used to the beauty. Yeah.
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B
And also, like, I don't wake up like that. I mean, don't get me wrong. I wake up now, and I will admit I love the way I look.
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A
You wake up with your face. I do.
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B
But, you know, like, I roll out and I got glasses on. My hair's all like this. I'm like, I don't look like. Like this took a. Like. But I do. I do find myself that I'm like. I did the inner work where I can see myself in the mirror today and go, I fall. I've fallen in love with myself in a beautiful way.
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A
I'm so happy that you're. You're putting that out there. Because I think for me, was one of the biggest lessons of my life is like, when you look at. In the mirror and it's not about being perfect. No, I'm not being supermodel. But when you look in the mirror, like, you know, I really like what I see.
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B
Yes.
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A
I'm really comfort. My body, the way I look, my energy.
- [05:48]
B
One of the tricks I gave my clients that I do and that I had to do is I call it the Michael Jackson effect. When you've got time in a mirror and you look at things that you don't like, what happens is that what you'd like. And what you focus on expands, it grows bigger. So let's say you don't like your nose. When you look in the mirror, your nose grows. Now, this happens with anorexia bulimia, like any body dysmorphia. So I have my clients and I started doing this. I did this. I found this out and figured this out in college. I focus on the things. I pick five things on my body. I force myself to pick five things on my body that I love because I did not love myself. And what happened was that I started every day. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I looked at the five things that I love about myself, and I Was like, I love that. And this is the body that the universe and God gave me. I'm gonna rock the shit out of it.
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A
Yeah, I love that.
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B
And all of a sudden it's.
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A
Yeah.
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B
It started to change what I see and how I see things.
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A
So because so many women, and I say women because we are so judgmental, Right. We compare ourselves with other women. We look at like, you can have the most perfect body, and you're like, oh, my God, I have the cellulite. And I love that because it's. Again, I don't think it's about perfection because I think even supermodels, there are things that they don't.
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B
Supermodels have the same insecurities.
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A
Yeah. Right. But I think it's like you just want to feel complete and happy with what you have.
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B
Right. I think a lot of people, though, assume that once you fix the outside stuff, then the inside stuff feels better and it doesn't work. That, you know, that's why so many supermodels, muscular people, people who work out, they'll do it. They'll get that thing that they wanted. They'll achieve that goal. They'll hit that weight, and they still hate themselves because it's an internal game. And in fact, when you actually do the internal game first, when you start falling in love with yourself first, before you see the results, the results come faster. And it feels so much better getting them. But to take it back to, like, with psychology and coaching, I find them to be the same thing because it's human, behavioral. Like, it's. When I'm doing an acting piece, I'm understanding why someone's going through what they're going through and what they're overcoming. When I'm coaching someone, I'm understanding why someone's going through what they're going through and what they're overcoming. So the exact same.
- [07:55]
A
Yeah. Okay. So a few things that I want to talk about that I saw about your work that I think are fascinating. Self sabotage. You talk a lot about that. Because I know a lot of us. Self sabotage. Some people don't even notice. But I think a lot of us notice many times we are our worst enemies. But it's easier said than done. Like, I know a lot of people can say, oh, you know, how do I. How do I stop it?
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B
Yeah.
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A
Do you have any pointers? Like, if some. Why do you think we do that first?
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B
Yeah.
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A
And then, I mean, like, practical. Is there a practical way for us to stop this behavior?
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B
Well, one of the practical ways Is hit enough of a bottom, it hurts so bad that you're like, I will do whatever says. I'll listen to the therapy.
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A
But hopefully we don't want people to get there.
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B
But that's kind of falling in love with the process of life is one of it. Because there is no. You're not gonna come into this world and not have obstacles. Even people with a silver spoon. There's no such thing as coming in and not having. It's called a hero's journey. So there's obstacles. Like. So everyone comes in with kind of like a soul imprint or something that they're really wanting in life. Now it could be, I really want a family, an amazing family. I really want to feel empowered in my life and feel like I have power and control in my choices. I really want to find love and feel and experience love. So whatever your overall objective is in your life, you're gonna hit the opposite of that in childhood. So why we go through and why we sabotage is because of childhood. All of our programming. But you could have. And you can have the best parents in the world. It will not matter. You will still pick up things because your subconscious mind is constantly scanning for danger. So even as a kid, let's say that you scrape your knee on the sidewalk and then you do it again the next day. Suddenly, your brain now associates sidewalk with danger. So you're like, nope, never going on a sidewalk ever again. Suddenly you don't understand why you have to cross the road you can't do. And what our job is, is it's to come back home to ourselves and show safety in the areas that actually we're running from. And it just takes slowing down. That' the fastest way to get what you want is by writing down what it is that you want. Like, you know, like, you start noticing it. Cause you'll feel it. You're like, man, I really want an amazing relationship or a successful career or make a million dollars. What the heck? And then you just write it down and you start noticing, what are my real inner fears. Saying, you're not good enough. You're never gonna make it. It's one step forward, two steps forward.
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A
I think that's what most people. I think what stops them. And I always talk about it. Cause people ask me about my journey, which I don't know if you know my story. I was in a very abusive marriage for 15 years.
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B
Oh, yeah, I think I heard a.
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A
Little bit about that. My husband died. I literally lost everything. I lost my pants. Like, no joke, the courts did not enforce the will. Everything got taken from me. I was like, man, I was literally.
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B
To go through abuse and then to get everything ripped away on top of.
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A
It's not a joke. I didn't have a job, I didn't have income, I didn't have, I don't have a family, I didn't have support system, my friends, cuz I was married to a millionaire, you know, I thought I had 500 friends.
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B
Nope.
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A
Nobody gave me a job, a check. I was like, what am I going to do? So people ask me all the time, how do you move from that?
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B
And I, how do you not?
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A
Right? But I know a lot of people break because they're like, I don't believe in myself. I'm fucked, that's the end of it.
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B
Yeah. And that happens, right?
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A
And my answer to it is like, yeah, when it's sink or swim, you got to look at yourself in the mirror. Like if you're in hell, you might as well keep walking, right? You got to keep going. But for me, my journey was like you said, I looked at myself in the mirror like, okay, Catherine, you're all alone, you better fucking just do this. Yeah. So I decided to go for it. But I know a lot of people and because I'm not a, I'm, I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a coach, I'm not an expert, maybe you can help us. A lot of people when they're going through something really tough, whether it's a breakup or divorce, whatever it is, like it happened to me, they don't even know, like, how do I believe in my. What's the right step?
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B
Oh my God. I'll share this one. I remember when people used to tell me, you gotta love yourself. You gotta do self love and self care. For those of us who grew up and were never given that, that's like, what the heck is that? That? I have no idea. So I'm a hustler, I'm a workaholic. But actually for me, when I hit my bottom too. Min drugs and alcohol and I'm eight and a half years clean and sober now.
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A
Congratulations.
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B
Thank you.
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A
My, my husband's an alcoholic, by the way.
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B
Oh man.
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A
He died. It's very. Yeah, so he started making a ton of money.
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B
So you were walking on eggshells.
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A
Fifteen years.
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B
Fifteen years, that messes with your nervous system. How's your digestion and gut? Are you.
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A
No, I mean, like, honestly, nowadays I'm in heaven. I build, I rebuild. And that's how it started. I built the life of my dreams. I moved back to Beverly Hills. I'm like.
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B
Like, that's how we find our purpose, our pains. Yeah.
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A
But it was like, you know, hell and high water for a really long time.
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B
I was there, yeah, Doing the same thing. But, you know, the husband I had, the multiple relationships. I was in and out of abusive relationships.
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A
But I have to say congratulations, because I know how tough. Unfortunately, my husband's case, it ended up in tragedy. He died. And I have friends that are going through, you know, trying to. To better alcoholism. And I know it's such a difficult journey, so it's.
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B
You can't fight your way through. Thank you. I appreciate that a lot. Not to cut you off and let me receive that.
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A
Thank you, please.
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B
And also, I know what it's like to go in and out of abusive relationships and pick yourself back up and realize that no one's around. No. Like, you are. When I lost everything. And I. And I mean, I had abusive relationships too. Physical, emotional, mental, psychological. Just like, ah, I'm. And no one tells you that, like, I mean, you have to put your brain back together, too, because the psychological damage, your brain actually splits from that kind of abuse.
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A
Oh, yeah, totally.
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B
When I hit my bottom, what happened was that every time that I was trying to fight my way through or hustle my way through, I made it worse. So for me, what I had to learn how to do was surrender. Just let go. Because here's what.
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A
Surrender to what?
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B
To your emotions, to the moment. Just acceptance. Like, stop your mindset and your anger and your. Like, the thing that got you to the toxic place, that mindset that got you to the toxic thing that you're doing isn't the same mindset that's gonna get you to safety and abundance.
- [14:14]
A
So people listening to us, because that's the thing that is the. Probably one of the questions that I get the most from from people worldwide, like, practical, practical. How do I change my mindset? How do I break the pattern of what I agree. I was in an abusive marriage. The men that I dated right after my husband were total devil, like, creeps. Abusive, nasty.
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B
Because you still had a lack of safety in your body. So basically what it is is this.
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A
How do we break this pattern and believe in ourselves again?
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B
So how we do it is first, pausing and breathing into your stomach and learning how to have safety in your body again. As crazy as it is, whatever you feel inside of you, secretly, however you're operating, your frequency, your energy, that stuff you cannot fake, you can't fake it. Till you make it on that one. Whenever you're feeling secretly off, scared, insecure, like you're not safe, what happens is that you will actually walk towards it until you heal from it. So everything in front of you is a mirror to what's going on inside of you. So if you're seeing in front of you, I'm dating unsafe people, I'm dating people who gaslight me. I'm around people, I'm picking up career and people around me in my career that are a holes. Can we swear, please, that are assholes, that I don't get promoted. My boss is hitting on me and telling me crazy shit, Whatever. What that means is that inside of you the work is I need to learn how to feel safe with myself first. I need to learn how to slow down. I need to honor my emotions first. If I'm around someone that's dismissing me, in what ways do I dismiss myself? If I'm around someone who gaslights me, in what ways do I doubt myself and I don't believe myself? Everything in front of you is a freaking mirror for what's going on inside of you. So if you don't like what's going on inside of you, change the channel inside of you. It is the fastest way. And then the other way is if you want. And you write down the way that you want to feel. So we talked about goals. So if you write down not just your goals, I want a million dollars, I want a successful career. I want the woman of my dreams and the man of my dreams. Great, Cool. Now underneath that, why, what is it that you're getting out of that? What does that make you feel? Feel. So if you want. If you want to feel well, really, what an amazing relationship and a million dollars would make me feel is man, I'd feel worthy. I'm looking to feel worthy. I'm working to feel powerful. I'm looking to feel like I fucking matter. And what that and this is the fastest hack to get to what you want is you put that and you give that to yourself first. You feel that in yourself first. You shift your identity. You start moving and behaving. The behavior comes first before the thoughts. Your thoughts are gonna say crazy stuff. Don't listen to it. Start moving and behaving while working on your thoughts. Start behaving as the identity of someone who's relaxed, who loves themselves, who feels empowered. Take time, slow down. Breathe deeply in your stomach to get out of your. Get out of amygdala, get out of reptilian brain, get into your body. The more that you're in the body, the more that you're in the moment, the faster that you'll spot what to do next. So slowing down helps you speed up.
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A
I love that.
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B
So the more that top of the day or throughout the day, you can feel that energy of feeling empowered or doing something for yourself. Especially in the moments where someone says something that makes you. Throws you off. Don't try and fix something with a shitty mindset. Pause. Feel the way that you want to feel first. Feel that empowerment and then send the email and then text the person back. I swear to God, it's not. When you read an email and you read a text message, and because you're wounded, you'll read it through the lens.
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A
Of a wound, of course.
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B
So put the thing down first. Go for a walk. Yeah. It takes 20 to 25 minutes.
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A
I bet you learned this one. I know, girl, because I always find I decide I'm at a point in my. I'm just like, I'm gonna speak my mind. So I just put it out there like whatever the hell, but it makes me feel better now.
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B
Exactly. Because you're in the frequency of fucking panic anger. So whatever you put out is what you're gonna get back. So if you're talking to someone and you want love from them, then you showed up at the table with love.
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A
Yeah.
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B
And you can't fake that now.
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A
Two things I want to mention. First, I want to say that I know people looking at us, or if you guys are listening to the audio episode, go look at the video episode on YouTube. But it's not overnight. I want to say the way for us to get to this place, I always say it's an uphill battle, and you got to keep going and going and going. It's kind of like the snowball, right? It's not like you wake up and you're going to fix it. For me, it took me seven years. This is the. Literally the seventh year that I'm finally like, okay, I'm. I'm in a great place.
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B
But.
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A
And also I just did a video about it on my. My social media, I think, two days ago. Tell me if you agree or from simplifying it. For me, I never did therapy, by the way. I'm not an expert, but for me, the way I broke the pattern of dating abusive men, the way I broke the pattern of, you know, just allowing everybody to walk all over me and being disrespectful to myself is that, like I said, I decided. I decided I looked at myself in the mirror. I'm like, I gotta love myself more.
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B
Yes.
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A
I gotta love myself more than these.
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B
Yeah.
- [19:31]
A
Like, why am I putting up with this?
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B
Yeah.
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A
I survived this abusive marriage, then I survived another horrific relationship and another. So finally I said, enough of that. I'm going to love me more.
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B
Yeah.
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A
So for me, believe it or not, it's. It sounds easy, right? Easier said than done.
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B
No. But that took you. Yeah, exactly.
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A
Same that self love, like putting myself first. Like I rather be alone and in peace with my dogs and my work.
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B
Oh, yeah.
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A
Than ever putting up with abusive men ever again.
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B
Yeah.
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A
That was the click that worked for me.
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B
So you had a download moment. So for me, that was the same one with sobriety. I had an aha moment of like, oh, I can't stop and I'm done. And then I reached out for help, but there was a shift in me first. And then a behavioral change. Talk therapy doesn't actually work for trauma anyway. So going to a therapist to talk about your problems doesn't change it. It can actually re traumatize you. We didn't know that though. Growing up.
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A
That's usually what most people do, right? They're like, I'm gonna do therapy. And then of course I know you.
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B
Wanna do different behavior. Yeah. I would recommend. If you're gonna do therapy for trauma stuff, you want to do behavioral therapy. Because thinking about something doesn't change your behaviors. It's not going to get you to do a different choice. Because what happens is that we move towards familiarity. It's the same reason why we pick the same partners and we vote in really shitty people. Because when we're a kid or when we're around people and we've experienced really shitty things, even if you don't want it because it's familiar to you, it's called the familiarity bias. You're more likely to get it. So you have to actually do behavioral change. You have to get around safe people and allow your subconscious and your body to actually reintegrate and re familiarize yourself with safe. Now what most people do too is after a toxic relationship, they get with boring. And by accident they think safe is boring. And that's not it.
- [21:25]
A
What do you mean by boring?
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B
So they'll get with someone that's like not actually their type of person whatsoever.
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A
Oh, but that's not good either, right?
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B
No, but a lot of people will do that and then they'll go, well, I obviously don't like safe are healthy because healthy is boring. I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what you did. You went with someone that's like nowhere near what your core values are or where your alignment is.
- [21:47]
A
Quick pause. Because Valentine's Day doesn't have to look one specific way. I've been loving the Chorus Pro from We Vibe and honestly, it's such a game changer. It's beautifully designed, powerful and created for shared pleasure, which makes it amazing for couples. But what I really appreciate is that it doesn't exclude anyone. If you're single, you can absolutely enjoy it on your own. Take your time, explore what you like and have a lot of fun doing it. With 10 vibration modes and 10 intensity levels, you're fully in control of the experience. It's 100 waterproof and the We Vibe app lets you and your partner control it from anywhere in the world, which adds a, a playful, flirty twist, especially for long distance relationships. And of course, all We Buy products include a two year warranty and free discrete shipping so you can shop comfortably and privately. So whether Valentine's Day is about connection, curiosity or self love, go to we vibe.comwevibe.com and use my code Kat V Day Cat K A T V Day for 20 off site wide. Because pleasure is power and confidence is always sexy. But do I, do you think that a lot of people do that because they're. That's my theory from doing the show. I think most people are afraid of being alone.
- [23:20]
B
Yeah.
- [23:21]
A
Then they either stay in a really shitty relationship, shitty marriage, unhappy, unfulfilled, or like you said, they grab onto whatever partner likes them, even if it's not their person because they don't wanna be alone. And I think one of the biggest lessons we need to learn is to actually love our lives and really love our company and love being alone.
- [23:46]
B
Yeah, actually that's one of the biggest things is that it's like, what are you bringing to the table? Because I talk about it this way. A relationship is like a battery packed. And it's like in all of your relationships, your career ones, your friendship ones, there's a battery between us, right. And if I'm not filling up my cup and it's okay, like this is where we store power in the battery we both put in, we both pour into the battery of our relationship, our friendship, our whatever. And what happens is that when I'm feeling off and I'm a little down and out, that's okay, we've got some juice in the battery. But if I'm not filling up myself outside of that and I'm not pouring into us and pouring into our reserve. Then what happens is this is where resentment comes in. This is where bitterness comes in. Because now I'm just pulling. I'm using you. I'm using the relationship, the battery. I'm using that power saver to give me energy, to make me feel better, to seek validation, to get to. And it's because when we started, I didn't have love. I wasn't filling myself up. I was using you for validation. I was using you to make myself feel better and didn't even realize it.
- [24:54]
A
It's not a good idea.
- [24:56]
B
And I used to do that. I didn't know. You don't know, right? Yeah. You're like, hey, this makes me feel good. Let me text this person. As opposed to, like, what are the ways? And you can write it down. I have a list in my notes, and there's a program, it's called, like, Top Line Behaviors. Right. I make my clients do this too. A lot of them. Not all of them, but we make a list of what are all the things that fill you up and bring you stupid, silly joy. Like, stupid. Like my heart is exploding and I don't care. And I love doing this thing because it makes me so happy. And you start writing, and then I have them write down, what are the things that ground you, that make you feel, like, centered and safe and good? So we'll do grounding techniques in there because everyone will kind of do different grounding techniques that make them feel good. So you'll have a list of, like, mines, like dancing, you know, going for a walk, and especially in nature, snowboarding, you know, long drives with my favorite music grounding techniques. Or like the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 method. Ice in the back of my neck, like an ice cold thing, like dropping my temperature, lowering my cortisol. So things that like, that really make me feel good. Whole. Oh, spa days. Ooh, spa days. And what happens is when I notice that my familiarity for me is hustle and workaholism.
- [26:06]
A
Same.
- [26:07]
B
And we talked about this, but I wound up in and out of the hospital doing that. Because what I wanted was I thought that once I got success, I would feel better or I just had to hustle my way to the top. And the issue is that one of my favorite quotes, and I could never integrate it for the longest time, and I've been integrating it more, especially from last year, is success is in the journey, not the destination.
- [26:29]
A
Oh, yeah, I totally agree.
- [26:30]
B
And I couldn't figure that out because at the same time, too. It's like, look, don't get me wrong, if you don't have enough money and enough stuff to, like, survive, that's different. You actually. That is actually something that in our society, it's done on purpose. I learned about this a long time ago because I wound up studying propaganda and the effects of media on the brain in college. And I thought for the longest time that the people in positions of power didn't know that safety, public safety, social safety nets and community, and pouring into the community actually drops crime rates. And making sure that everyone has their basic needs, methods actually helps people rise to the top and we have better communities. I thought that they didn't know that, you know, there was abuse, abusive, whatever. As I got older, I realized, oh, wow. Actually, they do know. And a lot of this stuff is done on purpose. It's called dark psychology.
- [27:23]
A
Oh, my God. But listen, you, okay, you ended up in the hospital because you were doing so much.
- [27:29]
B
Yes.
- [27:29]
A
And obviously our health is our most important answer, because without our health, we don't have anything. But a lot of people like you and me at this point, I love hustling and I love my work because that's my priority.
- [27:41]
B
So I still love that because I.
- [27:43]
A
Was not able to do it for 15 years. My husband was so controlling.
- [27:47]
B
Yeah. And mine was my alcoholism.
- [27:49]
A
Yeah. I could barely, like, you know, go to the drugstore.
- [27:52]
B
No, you were just having a. That's.
- [27:54]
A
So now I'm like, I'm gonna speak, I'm gonna talk. I'm gonna do my show. I'm gonna do everything that I love doing.
- [28:00]
B
Yes.
- [28:00]
A
So I want a partner that is. Is supportive to everything that I do.
- [28:06]
B
Yeah.
- [28:06]
A
And I think for a lot of women out there, it's the same thing. Like, they want a partner that is supportive. But in the beginning, everybody tells you that they're going to be supportive of what you do.
- [28:18]
B
Yeah. There's a way to tell that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.
- [28:21]
A
And then it has happened to me before. They're like, oh, you do the show. Oh, that's great.
- [28:25]
B
And then suddenly, like, where's your time? What are you doing?
- [28:27]
A
When they listen to the conversation and the sad next conversation, and now they're like, well, maybe it's a little much for me. Right. Because we are. We are in the public. We do social media and all that. So I do get that question a lot. Like, do we settle? Do we. Do we find a halfway? Or do we stand our ground? Like, no, I want a partner that's going to Accept everything that I do.
- [28:51]
B
There is. I mean, it depends. So there's compromise, right? Because at the end of the day, too, you have to also. So here's the fastest way to tell when you're journaling something. Like, let's say that you're with a partner and they're. Here's an example I can use. Let's say that you're with a partner and you're dating them and you guys are in a relationship and you're someone that is over share or shares a lot and has no filter and shares about your personal life, and you have a partner that's like, hey, listen, I'm feeling like you share a lot of stuff. My stuff is on there. And if you're like, well, screw you, you just need to. I just need to do. Honestly, this is what I would say is, I don't know yet. I don't know if you're someone yet that. But here, I'll give you how to tell. I don't know yet. If you're someone that needs someone that's actually super open and loves sharing their personal stuff with others as a form of alchemizing them. Because there is that, like, there are certain things that I will share about my life only when I'm healed in it. Only when I'm solid in it. Sometimes I might not, but. But you call it being clean on it. If I'm not clean on something, then it can come out wounded and not have like the effect that I would like. But again, everything is all good. Everything's good is meant for the highest good anyway. So even if I make that quote unquote mistake, which is not. It's for the greatest good anyway, but anyway, so what it is is that you'll feel something in you. The person will come up to you and have a conversation, and you're gonna feel a ping. You're gonna feel like a. Or like a. Or sad. You're gonna feel something that's shadow. That's a good thing. Sadness, grief, anger, resentment, bitterness. Those are all good. We've been taught for the longest time that they're bad. They are not. We want to love on them more. And then they won't be whooping your ass in the shadows. That's why we have sabotage. You're not listening. We have not been taught how to listen to the pings and understand what they mean. So you write it down, you journal. Cause your arm is connected to your brain stem, which is connected to your subconscious. It's the fastest way to get Your answers. So you journal and you write down what's coming up for me. Why do I need to share and share my private life? And when you write it out, you're gonna get really honest. And if it's because this is who I am as a person, it's really important for me. I'm here to be someone that shares everything that I'm going through, whether it's messy or not, because I need people to be able to alchemize, and I want a man that does the same. Great. Then you know your answer. But you'll feel it in your stomach. You'll know if you're lying to yourself. You'll know if you're fucking telling yourself some bs. The second one is this, though. If it comes from a place where you're like, I'm feeling insecure and I'm secretly needing to feel loved because I don't love that side of me and I feel shame there, then what it is, is then it's. Then this is a moment that you can actually connect with your partner on such a deeper level that you can go, hey, you know what? You're right. Our private life is our private life. Let me find the balance of what I get to share and what I do feel like I can alchemize while also keeping the sanctity and the sacredness of honoring my privacy and honoring some of my stuff. So that's. I'm finding that balance sometimes because I am someone that shares things, but it was reflected back to me recently. Hey, you're sharing things, but, like, some people can feel like you're gonna overshare here too. And I went, oh, interesting. Let me digest that. Let me sit with that.
- [32:06]
A
Yeah, it makes sense. But I do think that everybody, especially after what I've been through in my marriage, I think everybody deserves a partner who is very supportive.
- [32:16]
B
Yes. I think also need accountability, too. Yeah.
- [32:20]
A
Of course, if somebody doesn't like whatever it is that you do, like if I do podcasting or if you do acting, whatever it is, that, oh, yeah.
- [32:28]
B
I'm not going to do well with someone who's going to be like, oh, is that what you're doing on set? Who are you talking to?
- [32:33]
A
I think you got to be really comfortable with whatever it is that your partner do, and you got to be supportive of their dreams, of their goals.
- [32:41]
B
Absolutely.
- [32:42]
A
Right. You have to do that.
- [32:43]
B
Yeah.
- [32:43]
A
Now, I want to ask another question, because it just came up a few days ago, and I have best friends that have this issue. A lot of people Talk about it. If you're dating someone and you meet someone, I personally think that nobody's too busy for anybody. We were just saying we're crazy busy. But if you like someone, you are going to text them.
- [33:05]
B
Yes.
- [33:05]
A
You are going to communicate. You are going to send a message. You are going to let them know that you're interested. So this excuse like, oh, he's so busy, so he goes five days without tax or he doesn't make firm plans. I think that's a major red flag that the person is not truly interested in you.
- [33:22]
B
Not interested. I think we're taking that. I think the issue is that people take way too much shit fucking personally. And it's driving me nuts, really. If he thought, if he would, he would shut up with that. Oh my God, not you, but like the fucking woo woo people out there that keep doing this stuff. Knock it off.
- [33:38]
A
But what do you mean? Wait, if he would what?
- [33:40]
B
Because here's the truth. Our subconscious mind drives our behavior. If he could like you, he could think that the moon and stars of you. That doesn't matter. It matters is, is he ready to receive you and are you comfortable? It's not about him. It's about you. Does this work for you? Yes or no? Because otherwise what's happening is as if you're like, well, he's really busy and he should, and he did. Then what you're doing is you're not centering yourself. You're not holding yourself accountable. And you're not, you're not taking sovereignty and ownership of your own damn life. And what you're doing is you're making it about him and their behaviors. And then all you're doing is you're watching other people's behaviors as opposed to.
- [34:21]
A
But wait a second.
- [34:22]
B
Do I like this? Yes or no?
- [34:23]
A
I hear you, but that's what I'm asking you. If you're dating someone, I think either way, you or them, communication is key.
- [34:33]
B
Communication is key.
- [34:34]
A
You don't want to be guessing, like, why isn't he texting me? Is he ghosting me? Is he gonna show up five days later?
- [34:40]
B
Exactly. So if you're asking those questions, do.
- [34:43]
A
They want to take me out on the week? Right. I think this is like, you shouldn't have to guess.
- [34:48]
B
No, I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Yes. But I just noticed that, like, most people get stuck here because they're unfortunately watching the behaviors and wanting this person to change. And they're not just understanding that, like, what they want first and Foremost. And then seeing if this behavior in this person works for them, that's the hack out of it fast, right? Which is like, no, I should not be guessing. I don't want, I don't ever want to guess if I'm guessing. If you like me, I'm out. If I'm waiting for you to text me plans and set plans with me, I'm out. If I. But that took a long time because I used to do that too. Same, right? Oh my God, it's been three days. So the moment that I notice that I'm starting to make an excuse for someone, but I'm actually in pain, I disengage. Yeah. But I'll have a conversation like, hey, this is what works for me. Because for me, what happened? And you probably had this a lot too. Also, there's a superpower after you go through like narcissistic, abusive relationships like that. You read people after you heal. You do read people really well.
- [35:50]
A
I don't know. I'm gonna be honest with you, to this day, I don't know if I read people very well.
- [35:55]
B
But what I pick up energy. Yeah.
- [35:57]
A
What I do. Yeah. I think nowadays, this is my little rule for me. I think actions, behavior, speak louder than any words. If somebody likes you and they care about you, they don't lose you.
- [36:10]
B
Yes.
- [36:11]
A
They're gonna call you, they're gonna text you, they're gonna plan something romantic, they're gonna like. So to me it's like, how do you treat. Whether it's a friend, somebody I'm dating, a client, I just go like, I'm never going to. To hunt anybody down.
- [36:25]
B
Yes.
- [36:26]
A
I'm never gonna call you. Like, why aren't you calling me?
- [36:29]
B
What's that?
- [36:30]
A
I'm never gonna do that.
- [36:31]
B
Yeah. If we've established a good baseline and then I notice that things are not working for me, then I will speak up and be like, hey, listen, I'm noticing that there's distance here. Or when I do this, there's distance. Can you help me understand? And it might be something when that person's going through something crazy or horrendous or whatever. And then I'm like, okay, cool. But then it's like, alright, let me see if it works itself out. I could be supportive for X amount of time, but if it's something.
- [36:56]
A
But I tell you, for me, one excuse that I don't accept is, oh my God, I am so busy. Because the end of that phrase is I am so busy for you.
- [37:07]
B
Right. And that's good. And that's what I was saying with some of the female. A lot of female. No, but guys do this too. I coach a lot of men. But that's why you get it and you understand that. You're like, that doesn't matter. That busy thing doesn't matter. But you're hearing it from your friends and where they're going. Well. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no. That's why I was. I was so adamant on that one for all the ladies listening, especially, and men out there. And actually, what's interesting is men and women are a lot more alike than we realize. So a lot of my male clients, actually, we have the same conversation. Oh, my God, it's my favorite thing in the world. I love it when I start talking.
- [37:44]
A
About we have to do an entire episode about guys behavior.
- [37:47]
B
I will spill the tea. I won't do anything bad, but I will. Like, we are a lot, very similar, but for a lot of us out there, and myself included, I drove myself nuts. And I hated the advice of like, if he wanted to, he would. Because it made me want to change his behavior to love me as opposed.
- [38:06]
A
To, you cannot change anybody.
- [38:07]
B
No, but that advice out there, it makes you feel not good enough then. Because if they wanted to, they would. Which means, okay, well, then why don't they want to with me? And that's where I go. That advice is not great because it doesn't take accountability of like, no, I actually, it's not. If he wanted to, he would. It's because someone could want you so badly, but they're so traumatized that they can't meet your needs. So it doesn't matter about if you wanted to, he would.
- [38:33]
A
But they cannot meet your needs for whatever reason.
- [38:36]
B
It doesn't matter. It's great. Goodbye. Exactly.
- [38:38]
A
Don't try to think that you can change them.
- [38:41]
B
No. That's why if I stay. When I stay in my sovereignty, when I stay in my. Like, he could like me and be great. But what are the behaviors and how am I feeling? Bring it back to me. How does this make me feel? And if it doesn't work for me, because at the end of the day, if I'm dysregulated and my nervous system is off and I don't have a safe container, then I'm not a better. I'm not a good coach, I'm not a good filmmaker. I can't do my audition. Like, if I feel dysregulated with someone, it messes me up in my career and that was my bottom line for me.
- [39:11]
A
Same, totally. I agree. If you have something going on that is toxic or like you said, this radiator, it messes up your entire life. Yes.
- [39:20]
B
Even as a coach, I was dealing with that. Where I was like. And I finally hit it a few years ago where I was like, I'm done. And I went single for a while and it was an insecurity with me as a coach. And I'll say this, like I felt really insecure for a while because. And not bad, but people would be like, oh, you're a dating coach but you're not in a relationship. And I was like, first of all, I know how to get people access to their heart and get them what they want. I'm excellent at that. I'm excellent at finding what your blocks are and removing those little shits and actually getting you like that. Because that's, you know, for me, what I wanted true in my heart was I wanted to feel empowered in my life and not lose myself to another person.
- [39:57]
A
I love that.
- [39:59]
B
And when I finally did that is when finally like, yeah, everything changed.
- [40:03]
A
So. Oh my God, we're running out of time. I can't believe it. And I have so many more questions. But I want to ask you really quickly. You are a certified trauma hypnosis coach. I don't know anything about hypnosis. I never done it. I know there are a lot of skepticals out there. Like that doesn't work. What do you hypnotize people for? And does it really work?
- [40:23]
B
I make them quack like a duck.
- [40:26]
A
What does that mean? Like in a nutshell.
- [40:28]
B
In a nutshell we have to do.
- [40:30]
A
An entire episode about hypnotism.
- [40:31]
B
So what it is is this is your subconscious mind rules 90% of your behaviors and your automatic actions.
- [40:36]
A
Really?
- [40:37]
B
Yes, 90%.
- [40:38]
A
Oh, that's scary.
- [40:39]
B
Right? So your automatic day to day. So lock. Luck is not. Or success is not like a lucky thing. Like luck is not. I used to say it really well, luck is a neural pathway. And what that means is that your brain has ski slopes in it. If I automatically go to this bar, talk to this type of person, that's an automatic response. If I think this way though, and secretly believe that everything good happens for me, then all of a sudden I'm at this place, I'm at this place at the right place at the right time. It's not luck, it's a neural pathway. So in order to hack your subconscious, that's alpha brainwaves, that's theta. You can do this with putting on certain tracks from YouTube when you're going to sleep at night. Because when you're relaxed is actually when your brain relax and you're not constantly overthinking up here. So the more that you're relaxed you can get back into your brain, into the, into the motherboard and you can start rewiring things. And so when you slow down and you start noticing that like actually I'm driven by fear and I'm driven by the need to be loved. And every time I feel like I need to be loved, I get with someone that doesn't love me. So now what I want to do is I want to feel and think and experience and hear the voices in my head say I am loved and I am worthy of love. How do I do that? Hack your brain. So hypnosis is different things. Like one hypnosis trick that I love and I teach my clients is when we have a programming from childhood. Like the reason why I don't feel like I'm worthy of being loved is because I don't know. Here's an example. My dad left me or my mom left me and they told me you're nothing.
- [42:24]
A
And by the way, a lot of people, they bring this childhood everything is some people really feel it. I think some people constantly use it as an excuse. Like I come from a shitty family. I'm like, dude, almost all of us come from a shitty family.
- [42:40]
B
There's so much information out there. Now I have. No, I don't, I don't mean.
- [42:44]
A
But it's like, yeah, I think most of us come from a horrible. Yeah, everyone has something like settle, get over it. Yeah. But yeah, some people carry this charm and a of lot. So let's say somebody listening, they're like, oh wow, maybe I'm gonna. What would be a good reason to hypnotize someone? To get rid of any trauma, any issues?
- [43:03]
B
Yeah. So what it does is it helps you have a new voice in your head that repeats something nicer and better and what you focus on expands just like the Michael Jackson effect. So if I think something negative, I constantly am looking at something negative. What you have is a confirmation bias and self fulfilling prophecy. People will like how people research on the Internet. If I'm thinking the world is awful or people who believe that the earth is flat, they will constantly just look for evidence that the earth is flat. So if you think that you're unlovable by accident, you will date people who don't love you or can't love you or Repeat the pattern exactly or you will look for evidence of how you are unlovable. Now, if you get your brain on board with starting to look for evidence that you are lovable, that's a hypnosis trick. Then what happens is that that expands and you start feeling it and receiving it more and walk toward it more.
- [43:51]
A
And so is it a one time type of deal? Or if somebody's dealing with something, they go to a few sessions and repeat it.
- [43:59]
B
Yeah. Or one hack that I love, that I do is let's say that you have an insecurity that you're not worthy. What you do is you journal and you find the first time. Because your subconscious mind is formed and programmed from the ages of 2 to 10 up to 14. That's the thing. Everything that you're going through right now is pretty much right in there. So what you do is, I love getting to the root and ripping things out. Like, I'm like, screw this, I'm not dealing with this for 20 years. Get to the root, rip it up, move on. So what we do is, this is you find the first time you journal and your brain will come out with the answer, right? It'll get past your annoying prefrontal cortex and all that. You get to the back of your subconscious, and you journal and you ask yourself, brain, show me the first time that I ever felt like I was unworthy. Who put that there? Because you're not born with it. So who put that there? So you find out, you're like, oh, when I was five, my dad hit me and said, you're worthless. And what was really going on? Oh, my God, he was drunk. I made a whole personality choice based on my dad being a drunk. A hole. My dad's not a drunk. A hole. But this is an example. And so you know, all of a sudden now, because of that one memory, you actually started stacking evidence for the rest of your life thinking that you were unworthy. Now you go, now here's the hypnosis check trick. Pull up that memory. Takes about five minutes. You breathe deeply, relax for about a minute, go into that memory. Now, if you're too scared and your dad still scares you, then have someone that you really trust, like, call them up in your mind too, to like, cuss someone out. But you're gonna cuss out your dad, you're gonna punch him, slap him. This is your. It's not gonna affect your relationship with them. It's gonna help. You know, you're gonna yell at your mom too, because she shouldn't have let that happen. And then what you're gonna do, you're gonna fall.
- [45:40]
A
It's very intense.
- [45:42]
B
It's intense. And then you're gonna hold little you and you're gonna ask him, what do you. And you're gonna, excuse me. You're gonna explain to him what's going on. Or her. Hey, dad should not have done that. That was ridiculous. You are worthy here. When you get older, here's the evidence of how you're worthy. And little you is like, really? And you're like, yeah, I got a nice car. I got this. I got that. Like, you are wor. Like you've done some stuff and you've overcome it, and your friends love you and you just hold you like your 5 year old. You meet the needs that you always needed when you were a kid and everything in your life will change.
- [46:13]
A
Very. Maybe I'll try that. Natalie.
- [46:16]
B
Oh, my God, I love this one. And then ask little you what they need. They'll tell you in the meditation. They'll let you know, I need you to stop putting me around people who dismiss you. I need you to stop not listening to me. Every time that I'm upset and overwhelmed, you keep ignoring me. And all I need you to do is sit with me like your little you will tell you off and let you know. And then you're gonna notice it. You're like, wow. Every time that I felt unworthy, I overworked and I burnt myself out. Instead of just pausing for 20 minutes to recognize like, hey, I am worthy. Amazing takes like that. And then you and I, we love our work. It allows us to enjoy our work and fill it with worthiness as opposed to moving with burnout and unworthiness.
- [46:58]
A
I love that. I think whatever it is that people wanna try. If you guys wanna try hypnosis, if you wanna try therapy.
- [47:03]
B
Yeah.
- [47:04]
A
If you want to try, like, just find your path like me. Self love and doing something you love. The trick is learn how to love yourself and self respect and put yourself first. And don't accept certain things, toxic behaviors, toxic people around your life because they make everything else toxic.
- [47:20]
B
Exactly. But if you keep noticing that you're in that pattern, then that means.
- [47:26]
A
People find you.
- [47:27]
B
Oh yeah, I've done. Oh yeah. But so I've done emdr, hypnosis. Like all kinds of, like, I've done like, like all the. I've thrown the kitchen sink on my stuff too.
- [47:34]
A
That's incredible.
- [47:35]
B
But I get, you know, everyone's gonna find which one and which way and how they hear and receive it. So. Okay. How you find me is nataliestavola everywhere. I'm nataliestavola. I've got two Instagrams, but my main.
- [47:47]
A
I'm putting the link here of the main one so you guys can see her beautiful work, her beautiful face. I have to say congratulations. Cause I'm sure you've been through hell and high water as well. We could talk for like, 10 more hours.
- [47:59]
B
I know.
- [48:00]
A
But I will definitely invite you to come back so we can do an entire episode about the. The guys. Oh, my God. I have so many single friends that need help. You have no idea.
- [48:08]
B
Yes. Oh, my goodness. I love.
- [48:10]
A
I'm gonna send them your way. But congratulations. Congratulations on your sobriety because I know it's such a tough journey and it. I. I really admire people that are able to do it. And thank you for your beautiful. Thank you for showing up so early. Looking like a million bucks.
- [48:25]
B
I want to show up for you.
- [48:28]
A
It's such an honor having you. It's such an honor meeting you in person. And guys, be safe out there. I always say self love first and foremost. Thank you, Natalie. I'll see you guys very soon. Yeah. This was amazing.