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- [00:00]
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- [00:31]
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- [00:59]
Kat
Hey guys. So today I brought in a fantastic sexpert. That's right. My guest today, Caitlin V. Is a relationships and sex expert who has been doing this for decades. She has tons of experience and a massive audience on YouTube. She is going to help us with a lot of our pressing issues. And guys pay attention because this is for you. Caitlyn does tons and tons of videos that help guys in terms of how to perform better and bad, how to last longer, how to have more sex in your relationship, and how you can become an amazing lover. I hope you guys enjoyed this X rated, super spicy, very sexual and delicious episode of Cat on the Loose with Caitlyn. If you guys are anything like me and most people, you love a great night's sleep. So I invite you to check out sleepingdove.com Sleeping Dove is a revolutionary luxury comforter with patent pending windows. No gadgets, no tech, no wires, nothing crazy like that. Because who wants that around our bed, right? We just want to sleep in peace. Everything is 100 organic with insanely luxurious materials. Basically, if you're feeling too hot, you open your window and if you're feeling too cold, you close your window. So no more sleeping divorce. No more arguing about the bad temperature at night. Everybody can sleep peaceful at the desired temperature with the fabulous Sleeping Dove. Check it out on sleeping dove.com and on Instagram you guys can see tons of fabulous videos. Sleeping Dove Home Kin welcome to get on the Loop.
- [02:41]
Caitlin V
Thank you so much for having me.
- [02:43]
Kat
I am so excited to have you here. I was watching your videos. I'm like wow, this chick is good thank you. You do amazing work. How'd you get started on that?
- [02:52]
Caitlin V
I was. I always knew from when I was a teenager that I was going to help people enjoy sex more. So I figured out how to have orgasms at a really early age. And by the time I got to school, when they started explaining to me about sex and sexuality, the model was all about disease and pregnancy.
- [03:07]
Guest
Right.
- [03:08]
Caitlin V
And I was like, this isn't what I've been experiencing. Like, I know that this could be really fun. And I was really excited to start sharing it, you know, and having sex with other partners. And so I thought people were really being robbed of their sexuality. Like, it could be so exciting and fun. And I think pleasure's a birthright, so I think we should be empowering people to experience pleasure.
- [03:26]
Kat
I love that.
- [03:27]
Caitlin V
And then I became a researcher, and then research was too dry and clinical and boring. And so I left that to become a cop coach and ended up on YouTube.
- [03:34]
Kat
Fantastic. I think it's so cool that you're saying that, because, you know, I come from different countries. I come from Brazil, and my dad was French. And I always say that in general. Maybe you don't agree with. Americans are very uptight when it comes to talking about.
- [03:47]
Caitlin V
Well, especially compared to Brazil and France. Right.
- [03:50]
Kat
But when I meet someone like you, I'm like, wow, that's really cool, because obviously, you're different.
- [03:55]
Caitlin V
Yeah. And I was just, like, kind of born this way. I mean, I knew, like I said, from a young age, it's what I want to do. I. You know, it's not that I had, like, particularly open parents. I grew up in the Midwest.
- [04:05]
Kat
Oh, my God.
- [04:05]
Caitlin V
Same particularly, like, relaxed or progressive culture. I just had a very deep sense, and I think my superpower is making very difficult conversations feel very safe.
- [04:14]
Kat
I love that. And I think it's beyond time. I even feel stupid saying that. But it's beyond time that we normalize women talking about sex and asking for what they want in bed. Like, you know, we're not whores because we want to have.
- [04:30]
Caitlin V
Yeah. Research shows that women and men want sex in the same amounts. We just want it differently. And the way that all of us have been taught that sex works is very much based on what men want. And that's not any one man's fault.
- [04:41]
Guest
Right.
- [04:41]
Caitlin V
That's kind of the way that it's progressed over time. A lot of it has to do with the conservative culture and the puritanical culture of the United States. Like, we've kind of boiled down sex to just it's like, most basic parts. And it's not a model that is working for anyone anymore. And, you know, my specialty really is, like, helping men to address their sexual challenges because they're like, they know it's not working.
- [05:03]
Kat
Yeah. So, guys, listen up, because, like you just said, you do a lot of incredibly cool videos for guys. And I think it's important for women because we want to help our guys to feel more comfortable and perform better in bed. But I think, guys, if you're ever ashamed or embarrassed, because I have dated and I know a lot of friends and a lot of guys that are embarrassed, right. If they need help, they want to ask for help. So this is a perfect episode for men out there. 10 million questions. Let's try to pack it up as much as we possibly can. So in your videos, and you do talk about it, but for the guys here listening, a lot of guys are intimidated. Like, they want to perform better, they want to last longer. They want all these things, but they don't even know, like, where to go. Like, an easy, proactive first step. Like, let's say a guy out there is listening, like, but, okay, what are they talking about? Yeah, where do I even start? Because many of them are. They're not going to go to a doctor or, you know, so to speak, and say, hi, I'm not good in bed, or whatever.
- [06:05]
Guest
Right.
- [06:05]
Caitlin V
Or they do go to a doctor, and that's the only place they go.
- [06:07]
Guest
Right.
- [06:07]
Caitlin V
And then a doctor's like, you know, here is a pill. But maybe if you have premature ejaculation, there's no pill that can cure that. Even if you have erectile dysfunction, you can take a pill and it may not work. Right. So you need to have. I think the very first step is like, a real honest evaluation of your own sex life and your own performance and then being a little more clear on what it is that you want.
- [06:27]
Guest
Right.
- [06:27]
Caitlin V
I think these conversations can even be a little scary to have just with ourselves, let alone with a partner. So beginning by saying, okay, what's the real numbers here? Like, I wanted to get hard five times last week, but I was only able to get hard one time. Or I want to be able to last until she reaches an orgasm, but I'm regularly coming within five to 10 minutes. And then also compare your numbers when you're solo to when you're with a partner. Do you always get hard when you're masturbating? Can you last 10 minutes when you're masturbating, but only three minutes with a Partner. So, you know, I'm a former scientist, and so usually where I go to first is like, let's get our actual. Let's wrap our heads around the data, because then we can get a way more clear perspective on what's happening and where we want to go. And once we know where we want to go, maybe where you want to go is, like, last an hour, but maybe where you want to go is last 20 minutes, because that's all she needs in order to have, you know, one or two orgasms and be satisfied. When we have an idea of what's possible, like where. Where we're headed, then we can get to that first goal. And then a lot of my clients in coaching, you know, they'll say, like, I want to be able to control my orgasm.
- [07:30]
Guest
Great. All right.
- [07:30]
Caitlin V
So we get them there, and then they're like, what else is possible?
- [07:34]
Kat
That's a tough one for a lot of guys, by the way. Right. Controlling or controlling our guests.
- [07:38]
Guest
Yeah.
- [07:38]
Caitlin V
Up to 30% of men deal with premature ejaculation, at least at some point in.
- [07:42]
Kat
And maybe they don't think it's premature.
- [07:45]
Caitlin V
And a lot of them think that they're going to grow out of it. There's a very common sort of misconception that, you know, ejaculating early is something that you do when you're younger or when you're sexually inexperienced. So then they get to their 30s or their 40s, their 50s, and they're still ejaculating early. And then there's a lot of shame because they're like, I thought I was just supposed to grow out of this. It's actually incredibly common. And then on the other hand, we have erectile dysfunction impacting 40% of men in their 40s, 50% in their 50s, 60% in their 60s. And I believe very strongly and, you know, based on my own experience working with clients, that it does not have to be that way. But we've sort of collectively accepted that it just is like that.
- [08:19]
Guest
Right.
- [08:20]
Caitlin V
But it doesn't. It doesn't need to be a lot. Yeah.
- [08:23]
Kat
And as women, like, if a guy comes too quickly, I mean, I think for most women, you don't want to say anything because you don't want to make them feel bad.
- [08:30]
Guest
Right, Right.
- [08:31]
Caitlin V
Well, I mean, this is core to one of the issues that exists between men and women in bed is this communication challenge.
- [08:36]
Guest
Right.
- [08:37]
Caitlin V
Men don't say it.
- [08:38]
Guest
Right.
- [08:38]
Caitlin V
They're not. They're not the ones who are like, ooh, let me. That I just came too Quickly and take ownership of that. But women also don't want to make men feel uncomfortable. So maybe we don't say anything, and then we kind of are just like, it's okay. It's good enough. Maybe it'll get better. And then what happens is that after having, like, just good enough or not very good sex for years, we don't want to have sex anymore.
- [08:57]
Guest
Right.
- [08:57]
Caitlin V
Because there's nothing really in it for us.
- [08:59]
Kat
Or you get unhappy. Right. Like, you get frustrated in that relationship. And a lot of people end up cheating because of that, because they are unfulfilled sexually.
- [09:07]
Caitlin V
Totally. And then they. You know, it's interesting. Like, men will say that it's okay for them to cheat if they're sexually unfulfilled, and women will say it's okay for themselves to cheat. This is, like, really wide. Look at the research. If they're not being emotionally fulfilled. So when women cheat for sex reasons, it's really devastating.
- [09:25]
Kat
It's really.
- [09:25]
Caitlin V
And it's really devastating for the male partners, too.
- [09:27]
Guest
Right.
- [09:28]
Caitlin V
Just the same way that for us, I assume this is true for you. Like, if you found out that your man was having an emotional relationship and telling all of his vulnerabilities and his secrets and his deepest, you know, like, really loving on another woman. That hurts. If you tell me, like, oh, it was just sex. I was just horny, or whatever. Whatever. I'm not saying that that doesn't hurt. It does hurt, but it hurts differently for each of us.
- [09:45]
Kat
I totally agree. Well, I'm a major communicator. I really speak my mind a lot. Like, every guy ever dated, they say the same thing. Like, you talk about everything. I would hope couples talk about their issues before they ever get to that point of cheating. Because it's so much trouble, the lies. If everybody were able to communicate better in bed, hopefully you don't get to that point.
- [10:05]
Caitlin V
Well, it's communicate, but then also meet that communication. Like, do something about it.
- [10:09]
Guest
Right? Yeah.
- [10:10]
Caitlin V
And the trick is to be able to communicate from a place that isn't blamey or. So, like, I want our sex to last longer instead of, like, you always come too soon.
- [10:18]
Guest
Right.
- [10:18]
Caitlin V
Or I want our sex to be better instead of, I'm never having any orgasms and it's your fault. Or something along those lines.
- [10:24]
Guest
Right.
- [10:24]
Caitlin V
Like, there's. There's a lot to say about how we communicate these things. And it goes back to, women don't want to hurt men's feelings. We don't want to hurt men's egos. We don't want to, like, destroy their confidence. Right. Like, it's actually coming from a place of love that we don't say anything, but by not saying anything, we're not actually able to make any changes. And, like, you know, you said prevent those things from happening later on.
- [10:43]
Kat
Yeah. So there is a training. I don't know if that's the word, to help guys last longer and not come so quickly.
- [10:52]
Caitlin V
I have my own method that I developed through working with 300 clients. It's called the come when you want method.
- [10:57]
Kat
Oh, my God, I love that.
- [10:58]
Caitlin V
And I'll be sure to give you links for everything that we talk about today so that your listeners can go and check that out. But I also have a hard as you want method which is developing better erections and more consistent and more reliable erections as well. And I have trainings on pretty much anything.
- [11:15]
Kat
Yeah, your website is packed. It's very sexy. It's packed with information.
- [11:23]
Caitlin V
Yes. I have a. There's a library. You want to get better at touching her. You want to help her have orgasms more easily. You want to last longer yourself. You want to get harder. You want to have a bigger penis. A lot of guys don't know that you can actually get a slightly larger penis.
- [11:34]
Kat
I want to talk about. Yeah, we need, like, three hours.
- [11:37]
Caitlin V
But I'll come back.
- [11:38]
Kat
I'll come back. Yes, yes. You're gonna have to be, like, a recurring guest because this is like, such a rich subject you mention on your website. You are saying, like, in terms of getting harder and you have methods that we're not talking about medication, right?
- [11:53]
Caitlin V
Yeah. My goal is always to restore people's bodies to their functioning without medication. Now, I'm not against medication.
- [11:59]
Kat
Right, me neither.
- [12:00]
Caitlin V
I'm a supplement. They call me, like a supplement queen because I have, like, a whole closet full of supplements. Like, I believe in supporting the physical and the biochemical processes of the body, but I want that to be our. In addition to using the body's own inherent intelligence in order to have it perform better. My thinking on this is really simple. We evolved to be able to have sex.
- [12:20]
Guest
Right?
- [12:21]
Caitlin V
We evolved to procreate. If it were not for sex, we would not be here.
- [12:24]
Guest
Right.
- [12:24]
Caitlin V
And our particular Homo Sapien line has 400,000 years of pretty much uninterrupted sexual reproduction.
- [12:32]
Guest
Right.
- [12:32]
Caitlin V
It's not until the last couple generations that we have things like IVF and, you know, we can create embryos and things. Like, up until your grandparents, no one ever got to planet Earth without sex.
- [12:43]
Guest
Right.
- [12:43]
Caitlin V
So Sex is meant to work. All of us are meant to be just the same way that, like food and digestion, right? Like we, our bodies are inherently capable of digesting food. Not everyone can digest lactose, not everyone can digest gluten. But when you understand how to feed your body, your body responds in kind and you are nourished.
- [12:59]
Guest
Right?
- [13:00]
Caitlin V
And I think sex is very similar. We're meant to do it. And so if it's not working for you, that likely means that there's something in the way. Like to go back to the food analogy, that might mean that you're eating gluten and you're celiac, right? That might mean that something like maybe you're digesting porn, and you're digesting like a lot of porn. You have an unhealthy relationship with porn, and so that's getting in the way. Or your relationship has some, some gunk in the pipes, right? Some things that you haven't talked about, some things that you're just kind of hoping that they bring up or that they never know. That all gets in the way of what should be flowing very easily and naturally. And. Which is not to say it doesn't take work between two people.
- [13:34]
Kat
No, I love that you're saying all of that. And again, I think some guys, they need to take the pill. Go for it, take the pill. I'm a huge advocate for that because I think, like you said, whatever helps you in terms of having a great sex life, which should be a part of, of any great relationship. But I also love that you give guys different and extra ideas. Like, for example, you made a video that I loved. You talked to some porn star, how to make the dick bigger, and you share all of that. And I think probably a lot of guys would never dream of all the things that you talk about. It never cross their minds to look at a video like that. So you make all this knowledge like, like super mainstream and accessible. And I love that.
- [14:19]
Guest
Thank you.
- [14:20]
Caitlin V
That's my goal. Because you know what? There are guys that are willing to try really extreme things and they end up maybe hurting themselves, injuring themselves. You know, I've talked to guys who like, overdosed on medication or bought something from a gas station. Oh my God, you know, an anxiety attack or.
- [14:38]
Kat
I know, by the way, that's. I'm glad you bring that out because that is like, so freaking dangerous, right? And a lot of guys I know because I dated a guy, my ex boyfriend literally used Viagra in front of the bar. I'm not going to say the Name of the bar, like at 2am after drinking all night. And I remember saying, you don't even know what you're buying. If you're going to buy these things, buy it from a doctor, good reputation, a brand that you trust. I mean, don't put your health at risk.
- [15:05]
Guest
Right?
- [15:06]
Caitlin V
You don't, right. Like we don't know that that's Viagra. Also some of the pills at the gas station that claim to not have Viagra in them will have Viagra in them and some of them have like lead in them.
- [15:15]
Guest
Right?
- [15:15]
Caitlin V
So yeah, and it all becomes a shame, right? It's because we're not having these conversations out in the. Some men don't have good quality information and so they go and they do stuff in private and they end up hurting themselves and they end up, you know, you can cause real permanent damage to your body. You know, at the end of the Viagra commercial it would say like, see a doctor. If you've had an erection for more than four hours, right? That's because the blood that's in your body isn't getting new oxygen. You know, the blood in the cock is not being reoxygenated, it's not cycling and therefore it's essentially able to kill tissue.
- [15:45]
Guest
Right.
- [15:46]
Caitlin V
Because you need oxygen rich blood to be flowing throughout your body to keep every part of your body alive and healthy. So like the risk of, of having an erection that lasts for four hours, which, you know, they included that in the commercial in part because it gave men the idea that like, oh my God, I'm going to have an erection that goes for four hours. I want that.
- [15:59]
Guest
Right.
- [16:00]
Caitlin V
But actually it's very, very dangerous and you don't even want to know what they have to do to you at the hospital.
- [16:05]
Kat
Oh no. Yeah, I don't want to know. But I just want everybody to like, whatever you decide to do, do it safely. Do it like safely with people that you trust, with brands that you really trust.
- [16:14]
Guest
Right.
- [16:14]
Caitlin V
And I'm here for you to try everything under the sun. But what I want more than anything is for you not to have to rely on something that's like outside of you.
- [16:21]
Guest
Right?
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Kat
Totally.
- [16:22]
Caitlin V
So like going back to taking your body, breathing, your mindset, your emotional body, your relationship, the society that you live in and your relationship to something bigger than yourself, like your spiritual relationship to sex and sexuality and sex exists in all of these realms, but we often treat it like it just exists in the body and in the relationship and that's it.
- [16:41]
Kat
I know.
- [16:42]
Caitlin V
And nothing else impacts it.
- [16:43]
Kat
Oh, My God. So this is a question that I have. Okay. And you tell me if you encounter this issue a lot or not, but you probably do. I have a very high sexual appetite. Like, it's very difficult to make me tired in bed. I love sex. So when I'm in a relationship, I love having a lot of sex. So of course. And everybody, because I do the podcast, they think I everything that moves, but it's not the case. I had very few partners, but every time I meet someone, you know, when the conversation comes up, I'm like, yeah, I love a lot of sex. And every guy always tells you, right? Every guy always tells the girl they love a lot of sex. But a lot of guys, they think, you know, you're having sex, they gave you an orgasm, you came, they come, they're like, they're feeling like, you know, Lion King. Oh, my God. So, yeah, was it good for you? Many times. That's not enough. We want them to go again. And I know because I talk to my girlfriends and they say the same thing, but they're embarrassed because if you tell the guy, come on, honey, come on, you know, maybe the pressure makes them harder to perform and it's embarrassing in a way to say, you know, I want to do more.
- [17:51]
Guest
Right.
- [17:52]
Kat
So is there a way, like, is this a common problem that you hear? And is there a way to communicate to guys, like, you know, many times for women, once is not. Even if we come, it's more.
- [18:07]
Caitlin V
Well, I think this is. There's two parts to this, right? So I think that because of the stereotypes about women's sexuality and that women don't really want sex, men don't really understand the degree to which women can enjoy sex.
- [18:19]
Guest
Sex, Right?
- [18:20]
Caitlin V
And maybe they have been with someone or they had a relationship or an ex wife or something, she didn't really like sex. Or at least the last 10 years of their sex life was sexless. And so he's coming into the relationship thinking, like, yeah, I like sex and I'm going to be able to perform and I'm going to be able to give you like 20 or 30 minutes and that's going to be great. And they're not conceiving of how limited that thinking is based on the stereotypes that exist about women. Like, even if there's a woman in front of you who's saying, like, she really enjoys sex and she's multi orgasmic and she loves to try new things and be experimental in the bedroom, like, they're still seeing that through the lens of. But women don't really like sex, right? So it has to break through that lens. And once they can understand that like women and women's bodies are actually the ones that are designed for a lot of sex, women's. We can have multiple orgasms. We have, we have like pretty much endless stamina. As long as we are aroused and into it. We can, we can go back and we can go back and we can go back and we can go back. So if they've not experienced a woman like that, they don't even know that that's possible. And because our culture hasn't taught them that women can be that sexual and that orgasmic, have that stamina, then they're not really anticipating it. And so they think, yeah, I've got stamina, right? When the truth is that maybe they don't have the kind of stamina that a woman has and there's nothing wrong with them for that reason. They can train for that.
- [19:35]
Guest
Right?
- [19:36]
Caitlin V
And then on the other hand, for women.
- [19:37]
Kat
So how do you train?
- [19:38]
Caitlin V
Well, first of all, you could use like the come when you want methodology that I developed, but I'll break that down. Part of that is mindset and understanding your thoughts, right? And going back to even just your thoughts about what women enjoy. What's enough, what's good enough, right? Your thoughts that have been embedded in you because of porn.
- [19:53]
Guest
Right?
- [19:54]
Caitlin V
Like that I'm not very. Or that women need like constant hard thrusting, pounding for an hour in order to enjoy sex. Or that all women want to, like, be, you know, face fucked until they choke and cry. Like, you know, there's a lot of thinking that goes on that's been infiltrated by the kind of media that you've been consuming. So there's some work around your mindset and shifting and going from what you think is true to like, what you objectively experience as true and being willing to let go of some of those things. But there's also the emotional body as well. For men, like, they don't necessarily understand all the ways in which their emotions can get tied up in sex and sexuality. And sometimes if that feels kind of scary to them, like, I don't know if I want to engage in this way that makes me feel kind of like vulnerable then. And I. Or I don't feel like I can be totally open with how I'm feeling about sex and sexuality. All that can kind of can cause issues and close them off. And then of course, there's like the real physical parts of stamina. So being able to withstand a lot of Pleasure, Right. Having a deep enough relationship with your own orgasm and your own kind of sense and stimulation that you know well in advance when, when you are going to be at your limit and when you are going to be at the point of no return so that you can dance up to that edge without going over it. I want to say to a lot of guys, they think that, and a lot of this has to do with porn mentality, that they need to get in and just start pumping away.
- [21:14]
Guest
Right?
- [21:15]
Kat
Right.
- [21:15]
Caitlin V
And the truth is that if you think about that, think about what a 10 is, right? Think about the hardest, deepest Thrusting is a 10. You need to start at a 1 so that you have somewhere to work up to. But if you've just learned from porn or you've been in a sexist relationship, so you've mostly been watching por for the last few years, like, you may have forgotten what a one is like, right?
- [21:34]
Kat
So true.
- [21:35]
Caitlin V
And that women want a one and then up to like a level three and then maybe a level six and then back down to a two totally. And then up to a four. And if you think about that from a place of how do I control my orgasm and maintain stamina, then moving back and forth between high intensity, low intensity. Low intensity gives you an opportunity to catch your breath, to slow down, to decrease the amount of sensation, maybe even to stop penetration and go back to oral sex or go back to massaging her body, giving her a yoni massage, which is a vaginal involvement massage that I teach. If you feel like you have to start at a 10 and you have to go until she orgasms, and then when she orgasms, you're like, oh, thank God she came. Because I'm. Thank God, I'm exhausted and I'm about to orgasm myself.
- [22:19]
Kat
But let's say, okay, they did, he came, she came, they're in bed and the person is like me. Like, you know what, it's okay taking a break, but I want to have more seriousness. Is there a way to say something without hurting the their feelings? Like, honey, once is not enough.
- [22:37]
Caitlin V
Well, so it depends on your partner's refractory period, Right? So men, as they age, have a longer and longer refractory period. The way that their body processes the hormones and neurotransmitters that occur after ejaculation. So after a man ejaculates, he gets a surge in prolactin, he gets a drop in testosterone. Nothing to worry about. That's how the process is designed.
- [22:58]
Guest
Right.
- [22:58]
Caitlin V
But for younger men, those things don't Impact them all that much, right? So they're able to, like, get back up and get going, and they can have round two or even three.
- [23:07]
Kat
So you think it has to do with age or maybe, like, an older guy in fabulous shape.
- [23:13]
Caitlin V
It still is gonna have a lot more to do with his neurotransmitters and testosterone and his other hormone levels.
- [23:19]
Kat
So we should expect that as men age, they may not be able to.
- [23:22]
Caitlin V
They will have several times longer refractory periods. Now, here's the thing to consider about that, though. If they learn how to have an orgasm without ejaculation, that's going to affect their refractory period. Men can have orgasms without ejaculating. They have to learn how to hold the ejaculation back. They have to learn how to move the orgasm up their spine instead of out the front of their body. But it's a skill. It's not magic. You can learn it. You can learn it probably within the course of a year. It's just about practicing, right? So if you're able to do that, then you can go multiple rounds, and then you could decide to ejaculate at the end or not. That's very common for older men, especially who have practiced maybe energetic sex or tantric sex. They're able to go multiple rounds because they're just not ejaculating. On the other hand, if you're maybe a man who just wants to be able to give her multiple rounds, give her an orgasm, take a break, come back, then learning how to control your ejaculation until you're ready, until you're both done, and then ejaculating just that once. The refractory period is also not just based on age. So there are some men in their 30s, in their 40s, who have to wait 24 hours before they can ejaculate again.
- [24:27]
Kat
Oh, wow.
- [24:27]
Caitlin V
They may be able to get hard again, but they may not be able to.
- [24:30]
Kat
See what I'm saying? Like, if you. Yeah, maybe guys are not gonna come as many times as the. But yeah, if you can get hard again and continue giving her pleasure, why not?
- [24:40]
Guest
Right?
- [24:40]
Caitlin V
Yeah. So thinking really strategically about when you want your ejaculation to happen, if you're going to ejaculate, when are you going to ejaculate? And part of what women can do is say, like, hey, you know, I. I find that once I have one orgasm, I've kind of, like, gotten built up a lot.
- [24:54]
Guest
Right.
- [24:54]
Caitlin V
Maybe it takes me 20, 30 minutes to reach one really big orgasm, but after that, it's kind of like the cat's out of the bag.
- [25:00]
Kat
Like the.
- [25:01]
Caitlin V
The. The desire has built. And so I like to go multiple rounds. I like to have sex and then take a little. A snack and a glass of wine or some water or make out for a little bit and then go back into it. What can we do so that you are able to do that with me?
- [25:17]
Kat
Yeah, no pressure, guys. No pressure.
- [25:19]
Caitlin V
Yeah, I mean, it's just, you know, it's a matter. It's kind to tell your partner what it is that works best for you in advance, right?
- [25:26]
Kat
In advance.
- [25:27]
Caitlin V
Yeah. So they can say, hey, you know what? I know for a fact that my refractory period is like eight hours. Once I've ejaculated, I cannot ejaculate again for eight hours.
- [25:35]
Guest
Right?
- [25:35]
Caitlin V
Okay, cool. Now that we know that, can we. We structure our sex to include foreplay and yoni massage and. And. And breaks so that you are able to have sex on and off for a couple hours. I can have a few orgasms and get really built up. And then we have you ejaculate at the end.
- [25:52]
Kat
I love that.
- [25:52]
Caitlin V
And then we can wake up and start fresh again.
- [25:54]
Kat
I love that. Hey, guys, make sure you enter the room dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Strong, longer, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and major gym membership. Blue 2 is the original brand offering chewable tablets for much better sex. And ladies, if you're listening, tell your guys about it. Because who doesn't want a partner who can perform better in bed and last longer? I think that's every woman's dream, right, guys? This isn't just about performance. This is about legacy. Or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know, when you lay low there talking about how it gets up, nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue chew. Discover your options now@bluechew.com and take your sex life to the next level. And we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of bluecho free. Just use promo code kat K a T at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join bluecho's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com now for details and safety info. And big thanks to Luchu for sponsoring the podcast. Let's talk about a really tough one. And I know it's major taboo anal sex. A lot of guys Love it. For some reason. Don't ask me why. Every Brazilian guy that you ever meet in Brazil, it's like the number one request. Desire. Every Brazilian dude in the world, they want to have anal sex. Here, not so much, right? Some guys like it, some guys don't like it, but it's major taboo. And I know for a lot of women, they're like, oh, my God, you know, I don't even want to, like, don't even get me started on that. So on both sides. But like, for guys, if guys really want to do it, is there a way? Because a lot of guys, I think they're kind of aggressive about it. They just go and try to do it. Right? And I mean, many women are not ready for it. They're like, you know, do you need to have the conversation first beforehand? How do. Do you approach that?
- [28:02]
Caitlin V
The way to approach the anus in whole, in pun not intended, is slowly, slowly, really slowly. Painful. Slowly. I don't mean slowly over one night either. I mean slowly over a period of time. Slowly over a month, slowly over a couple months.
- [28:21]
Guest
Right?
- [28:21]
Caitlin V
So there are so many reasons that anal sex has got the reputation that it has.
- [28:25]
Guest
Right?
- [28:26]
Caitlin V
So we could just start with, like, cleanliness. And people are like, kind of squeaked out. Like, I don't want to experience any poop because it's going to ruin the moment. I don't want to expose my partner to, like, my bowel movements. Like, of course not.
- [28:35]
Guest
Right.
- [28:35]
Caitlin V
Like, very understandable. But it doesn't have to be that way. You eat a diet that's high in fiber. You have a bowel movement in the morning, you can use it. A douche or an enema with. With or without any cleaning agents in it. I really recommend just water or just saline. Like, it doesn't have to include anything really complicated. The anus is not meant to be exposed to a whole bunch of chemicals.
- [28:55]
Guest
Right.
- [28:55]
Caitlin V
So anyways, we can. We can take care of the cleanliness part. You can take a shower before and after. So, like, let's just rule that one out and know that there are things that you can do.
- [29:01]
Kat
So for you, I'm gonna do a parenthesis here. I think if you think how much. Because I think in bed, whatever two people want to do together, whatever, you know, if you start. Start thinking, oh, this is okay, you know, it's not for. Go back to, you know, figuring that part out. We're talking about, like, people that want.
- [29:20]
Caitlin V
To do it, that want to do.
- [29:21]
Kat
It, that want to do it, that are open mind, but they don't know how to, you know, bring it up.
- [29:25]
Caitlin V
Sure. Well, and the other issue is that for a lot of us, myself included, you know, I had my first experience with anal was with a guy who didn't really understand what he was doing and so went like, too fast, too hard, too suddenly.
- [29:36]
Kat
And then he hurts like hell in my body.
- [29:38]
Caitlin V
Naturally, it's just like if someone sticks something in your eye.
- [29:40]
Kat
Yeah, you're traumatized. I go like this.
- [29:42]
Caitlin V
And then whenever a finger comes towards your eye or like, I don't, don't.
- [29:46]
Guest
Right.
- [29:46]
Caitlin V
So, like, naturally that's gonna be the case. So if you're interested, the way that I would start thinking about it is start without even touching. Like when you're making love, when you're having sex, when you're having some kind of foreplay, both you and your guy, put your attention energetically, your focus on your anus. Don't. Don't even bring a hand to it or finger to it just yet. Put your attention there. Then gradually move to just putting a finger on the outside. Not even wet, just dry, just on the outside. It's not going in. We have a conversation that you're not even going to do any sor of entrance. Anything at all.
- [30:18]
Guest
Right.
- [30:18]
Caitlin V
Get used to having sensation on the outside. Then get used to having a little bit of sensation on the inside. That could be with a finger, that maybe with a butt plug.
- [30:25]
Guest
Right.
- [30:26]
Caitlin V
Something that can just hang out there. If you're going to do anything on the inside, you do want to include lube because the anus doesn't lubricate like the vagina does. So start with this. They make butt pugs that are like a pretty. Well, they make butt and anal toys in a wide range of shapes and sizes. They even make something that are called anal dilators. So they are. Are like thin tubes that get larger and larger. Everything has a base on it, a flared base, because nothing can go inside of the eyes that doesn't have a flared base. But these tubes get larger progressively. And so you get used to your body having larger and larger objects inserted inside of it. So you can play with dilators, you can play with a butt plug. You can use a butt plug during sex. You can use a butt plug when you're taking a meeting or doing a podcast interview. It doesn't have to be a sexy thing. You can just get used to.
- [31:11]
Kat
Just test it.
- [31:11]
Caitlin V
Just use the tools that you have available to get your body familiar with the sensation of having something inside of it. And the reason for that is the anus is actually made up of two different sphincters. So the sphincter that's on the outside is something that we can control mentally. We can take a couple deep breaths. We can imagine relaxing at our anal sphincter. Like we've got control over that one, but the one on the inside is controlled by a completely different nervous system. The same nervous system that meets our heartbeat. We don't have control over it.
- [31:37]
Guest
Right.
- [31:38]
Caitlin V
We can like calm, we can breathe to sort of calm down our heart. But ultimately I can't tell my heart 72 beats per minute right now.
- [31:45]
Guest
Right.
- [31:45]
Caitlin V
Like, that's not how it works. So we don't have control over the inner one. So the relationship that we want to develop with our anus is one where the inner sphincter feels safe, feels like it's able to relax, feels like it doesn't have the close eye response when we are introducing something to the anus. And that whole process that I've described, maybe it takes a week because you actually were really ready for it and your body's like, yeah, let's go. But it could take weeks, it could take months. I mean, my own relationship with anal was sort of like that. Like, I didn't think it was, was.
- [32:15]
Kat
For me, I didn't like it.
- [32:17]
Caitlin V
And then I had a lover who was like, particularly skilled and it was very important to him. He was like, I really want to have, you know, sex with you. It's very important to me. And like, let me take my time warming you up to that idea. So that by the time we actually got there, I was like, yes, let's go. Yeah, this.
- [32:34]
Kat
You felt safe and comfortable with the guy that makes all the difference in the world. And you did a video on YouTube about that that I really loved. And to me that's a fantastic suggestion. Like a guy out there listening, if he wants to that up to his partner and, and he doesn't know how she's going to react. Start by like. Because this is something that I think most women love. Like, touch that area, lick that area.
- [32:58]
Guest
Right?
- [32:58]
Kat
But talk first, right?
- [33:00]
Caitlin V
Because most of us have the experience of like, if you touch it, that's because you want to penetrate it, right?
- [33:04]
Kat
Yeah.
- [33:05]
Caitlin V
Set your own boundaries to say, hey, I, you know, I'd like to move towards having.
- [33:11]
Kat
Before you go to bed.
- [33:12]
Caitlin V
Yeah, Talk before you touch, talk before you lick. Because if you've had experiences like I've had, you think that anyone that's going there has an end result in mind and they're trying to push to get to that place. And so you're again, it's like, oh, are you coming for my eye? Like, let me not. The other thing I say to men, and this is not very popular, but like, think about what you would want for your own anus. The cool things about anus is that we all have them.
- [33:37]
Kat
Oh, my God. That's a whole other episode. Right? Because I know there are so many guys, and I'm not talking about gays. I'm talking about there are a lot of heterosexual guys that love to get there that. That area their ass touched, licked, and they're so embarrassed because such a sensitive area, it's so pleasurable for men. But the taboos, right?
- [33:57]
Caitlin V
And it has such strong connotations.
- [33:59]
Kat
They're like, oh, you know, that makes me gay. And it doesn't make you gay if you want to get your ass touched. Your anus touched.
- [34:05]
Caitlin V
Your anus has almost as many nerve endings as your lips, right? Like, how pleasurable it is to have some kiss your lips. Like, it's very pleasurable to have someone touch and massage and lick and caress your anus. But if you're afraid of what it means to someone who's not even watching, who's not here in the room with us, right? And that's preventing you from having the conversation with your partner, it's worth considering. Like, how can you address this in a way that would feel good and safe? And it's like some guys don't have partners who are willing to hear it.
- [34:32]
Guest
Right.
- [34:32]
Caitlin V
They have women in their lives who would be like, that does make you gay.
- [34:35]
Guest
Right.
- [34:35]
Caitlin V
It's like, they're not always safe to do it, but it's worth trying.
- [34:38]
Kat
I'm kind of like you. I'm super traumatized in that department. I didn't enjoy it the, the one time that I did. It was horrible. It was also super painful. But I do enjoy it. Like you said, my ex boyfriend just used to touch me there and lick me there. And that was like very pleasurable. So that's a good first step.
- [34:57]
Caitlin V
Exactly. Yeah. And that, that, that step could take weeks or months.
- [35:01]
Kat
Yeah, right? Yeah. You never know.
- [35:02]
Caitlin V
We don't know. We're talking about a part of your body that you just do not have control over. And you know, my thinking is always move to just 20% outside of your comfort zone. Yeah. Don't go blow past your comfort zone just because, oh my gosh, it felt good when you licked it. So let's try.
- [35:17]
Guest
Right?
- [35:17]
Caitlin V
Like, no, no, no. This time we said this is all we were gonna do. Baby step. Yes, baby steps.
- [35:22]
Kat
Let's talk about blowjobs. Another video that you did that I love that I really related. You started your video like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I love giving blowjobs. And it's something that I always say. I'm like, I love it. Love it, love it, love it. It's the number two thing that turns me on. The can do it for all night. I truly, truly enjoy it. Turns me on like crazy. And I get shocked, like, how many women don't like it? Even, like, on TV shows, they're like, oh, it's a job. Oh, can you believe he asked me to blow?
- [35:56]
Caitlin V
I'm like.
- [35:57]
Kat
And then when you said that, I like, oh, I'm happy to see another girl that is like me that is actually really enjoying that. So what do you say? Because I think every guy in the world wants to have a girl, a partner that enjoys, that is enthusiastic about it.
- [36:12]
Guest
Yeah.
- [36:12]
Kat
Not like, I'm gonna do it, like, as a f favor.
- [36:14]
Caitlin V
Right. No one loves that right now.
- [36:17]
Guest
No. Yeah.
- [36:18]
Caitlin V
So. So, you know, I think the question to understand for your partner is how does she relate to and think about and make meaning about blowjobs and oral sex?
- [36:28]
Guest
Right?
- [36:28]
Caitlin V
Because a lot of women were taught that that makes us slutty, bad, dirty, you know, that, like, a lot of women got shamed for that. At least we're, you know, when we were younger, in middle school or high school, maybe you gave a guy a blowjob and then that became your reputation, right? And everyone said, oh, she's the girl that gave so and so a blowjob or whatever. Like. Like, we shame oral sex a lot, and we shame women. Like, you know, there's this kind of trope about a woman, like, going down on a guy and she's very unempowered, right? Like, she's just doing it because he's in charge or he asked her to, or she felt like she had to instead of that it was her choice and she was able to enjoy it.
- [37:05]
Guest
Right?
- [37:05]
Caitlin V
And then on the other side of that, there's men also making giving oral sex to them more attractive.
- [37:10]
Guest
Right.
- [37:10]
Caitlin V
More appealing.
- [37:11]
Guest
Right?
- [37:11]
Caitlin V
So that means exfoliating and, like, making sure that you smell good and that you're not doing this, like, right after you come from the gym and all of these things.
- [37:18]
Guest
Right.
- [37:18]
Caitlin V
But also that you're very appreciative and you acknowledge and you use your words to tell her that feels good and I like that. There's a thing about men that I come in across all the time where they're sort of stoic in bed. They're sort of quiet.
- [37:31]
Guest
Right.
- [37:31]
Caitlin V
They don't want to, like, moan. Moaning is for women.
- [37:33]
Guest
Right.
- [37:33]
Caitlin V
Pleasures for women.
- [37:34]
Kat
I like, I like, I want my partner to moan and talk and make noise.
- [37:39]
Guest
Oh, my God.
- [37:39]
Caitlin V
Doesn't it feel a lot better if you're going down?
- [37:41]
Kat
Like, being silent is like, what's going on? Hello. You're enjoying it, right?
- [37:46]
Guest
Right, Right, Right.
- [37:47]
Caitlin V
Like, I want to know that you're enjoying it if you're. If she's going down on you and you're letting her know that feels good. I love when you do that. You're making little moans and groans and, you know, saying her name or whatever it is. Like you're giving her positive reinforcement that lets her know that what she is doing is for your pleasure, for the most part. Not true of all women. But most women want to please their partners, right? Like, they want their man to be pleased and satisfied. That's one of the reasons that they're having sex. And so if he's not letting her know that what she's doing is pleasing him, it's not really giving her a lot of reason to keep going. Right?
- [38:17]
Kat
Totally.
- [38:17]
Caitlin V
And then I think there's this other, other piece of, like, for me, anyways, I think one of the reasons that I love giving head is because I love genitals. Like, I just. I'm in this career. Like, I think genitals are so cool. I've thought this for my whole life. Like, there's a part of your body that if you touch it in just the right way, gives you feel good chemicals and allows you to relax and reminds you, like, not to stress so much or that, like, you know, life is worth living or whatever. Like, it's very cool that our bodies can do this without any additional help, without any outside substance, without. Without even a partner. We can do this by ourselves.
- [38:50]
Guest
Right?
- [38:51]
Caitlin V
And so if you develop an appreciation and gratitude for this part of your body and you're like, it feels good for this part of my body to be stimulated. I like when someone does that to me. I can enjoy giving that to someone else. Like, again, these are all mindset shifts. And part of it is deconditioning some of the things that we've learned about our bodies, such as that genitals are bad or dirty or sinful. I mean, there's a stack of reasons why a woman may not openly.
- [39:16]
Kat
Unfortunately, yeah.
- [39:18]
Caitlin V
But it doesn't have to be that way.
- [39:19]
Kat
But yeah, there are ways for a woman to change the mindset and change this idea that it's never going to be pleasurable.
- [39:27]
Caitlin V
Right.
- [39:27]
Kat
Because if you. I don't know how they do it because I always loved it. But if you figure out. You're the scientist, but if you figure out how to change it and actually get to enjoy it, it's such a fantastic experience. Instead of, like counting the seconds.
- [39:43]
Guest
Right.
- [39:43]
Caitlin V
Well, I make it work for you, too. Like I was saying earlier, don't start at a 10. And then you're choking and you're gagging and you're like, when is this gonna be over? Like, start at a 1. Play with it for a little bit. Like, k. Gently. Like, you don't have to go all the way in as hard as possible and make it look porny and gag and cry and stuff. Like, if you want to go there, great, go there. But you don't have to begin there.
- [40:04]
Kat
I know. Make it fun for you, right?
- [40:06]
Guest
Yeah.
- [40:06]
Caitlin V
Make it so that you enjoy it. Maybe these women just need to be like, dominance. Maybe they need to, like, just be. I don't know.
- [40:13]
Kat
Yeah, I don't know. I have so many more questions and we're running out of time, but I think a really important one. And I know we're talking to guys mostly, but I think we're also talking to girls. All of these things that we're talking about are normal for you and normal for me. Because this is a very common subject for us. We're comfortable talking about it. But I know a lot of. And I know I'm gonna get this message every time I do a sex episode. They say that, but, you know, I'm chewing bear. I want to do this and I want to do that. I don't do that. But how do I talk about. How do you start? You know, what if she judges me? What if she thinks I'm a pervert? What if she thinks I'm. And same for women. They're like, you know, it, it. That's like the number one issue. Like, how do you start this conversation? Well, if you're not comfortable with it.
- [40:57]
Caitlin V
Like you said earlier, baby steps, Right. Sometimes we've held so much back. You've been in a 10 or 15 year relationship, and you've been thinking this stuff for such a long time that it feels like there's a flood that needs to happen.
- [41:08]
Guest
Right.
- [41:09]
Caitlin V
But understand that it's not going to be one singular conversation. So you don't have to get everything out all at once and you can think about how to discern which pieces of information are most important for you to share, how you open the doors to the conversation. I always say to people, pick a good time to have the conversation, right? So many folks go into a conversation like, I've. I've hit the wall, and I have to say this to you right now. I don't care that you just got home from work or walking the dog or you feel gross or whatever.
- [41:38]
Kat
Timing, right?
- [41:39]
Caitlin V
And here's another thing to consider. Like, are you going on dates? Are your emotional needs met? Are your romantic needs met from the relationship? Because maybe you have a kid and you notice that your sex life has dwindled a lot since you've been raising a child together, right? How is your romantic relationship, your emotional relationship? A lot of people can get overly focused on sex because sex is quantifiable. I can say we haven't had sex in the last three weeks and I'm starting to panic, right? But it's a lot different. Different to say, what is the quality of our connection right now? Understanding that sex can sometimes be a byproduct of the quality of the connection. On the other hand, if there are things that you want to try that you've never brought up before, going to your partner and saying something as simple as this, there's something that I want to talk to you about. It has to do with our sex life. Is now a good time? Yes. Okay, great. So the reason I haven't brought this up before is because I. I'm afraid that you might judge me or I'm afraid you might think I'm a pervert or a slut. And I don't want to give you the impression that I'm unhappy with our sex life. Here are some things that I really appreciate about it, the way that you make me feel. Here are some other things that for me, I really would. Would appreciate, and it would be very meaningful for me if we were able to try those things. Are you willing to have a conversation about that? Not, Are you willing to do it? Not. Can we do it right now? Can we have a conversation about it? I want to understand what you would need in order for us to have that experience. Like, would you need to be at a hotel? Would you need to have two days away from the kids? Would you need to have a month of warmup? Would you need to understand better? Would you need for me to come prepared with a lot of information? You know, if it's like anal, don't worry I'll do all of the research to make sure that we're doing it right for you, that it works for you. All I ask from you is that you be open and that you continue to engage in conversation with me. If it's like, I want to tie you up and try some, like, BDSM stuff, I promise that I'm going to do a lot of research to make sure that we can do that very, very safely. You'll be in control the whole time. We'll have a safe word. I'll learn from the experts. I'll learn from the professionals. I won't put you in a position where you're going to be at harm or that you're going to be at risk or that we're going to cause any kind of injury to you. Like, I promise that I'm going to take care of all of that information. You can come with all of your questions, and we can take it one step at a time. If you're not sure that you like that thing, let me figure out a way to titrate it so that you can have a really small, like, sample experience of it so that I can show you what it is that I want to do, and then we can build on top of that. Problem with not having conversations about sex, and the problem with the way that we view communication around sex is that we do it very black or white, all or nothing, 100 miles an hour, or parked.
- [44:20]
Kat
You know, it's like you said, I think the base of everything is communication. Tell your partner what is it that you want? Right. Because it just makes everything else so much easier.
- [44:31]
Guest
Yeah.
- [44:31]
Caitlin V
And, you know, here's the thing. Everything that we've talked about today, there are professionals, myself included, who have done a lot of. Of the work for you.
- [44:38]
Guest
Right?
- [44:39]
Caitlin V
We've figured out and we've outlined how to communicate about these things. How to ask for what you want in bed, how to even know what you want in bed, which is an issue for a lot of people, right? Men and women. They're not able to say, it would feel better if we did this or we did that, or, I want more of this or less of that. So there are tools, there are resources. That are available. You don't have to go into it alone, is what I'm saying. Just the same way that if you want to learn how to make, I don't know, a souffle, you get a cookbook, right? If you want to learn how to tie your partner up, there's a book for that.
- [45:11]
Kat
I love that. And this last but not least, this is what I think if. Because I've heard that even from my ex boyfriend, he was in a. Like a lot of guys, right? Long marriage, la la, almost sexless. And he, when we started dating, he was like, I'm so happy that I can talk about what I want, my fantasies, what I want to do. Because I wasn't able to do it before. I think now after everything I've been through. Marriage dates, na, na, na. If you cannot speak freely with your partner, it's probably not the right partner for you.
- [45:41]
Caitlin V
That's what I think.
- [45:42]
Kat
Like, if the person is judging you or like making faces or thinking you're gross, anything like that, it's probably not a good match.
- [45:49]
Caitlin V
Well, and understand that someone may have done all of those things previously and maybe they've evolved, maybe they haven't, right? But it's really not about. And this is the trickiest thing about communication anyways is you have to say the hard thing. You have to say the thing that you don't want to say. That's the most important thing to say. And it can be so scary to say that when you love someone, you.
- [46:11]
Kat
Have a home together, you have kids.
- [46:12]
Caitlin V
Together, and now you're in a position where you're like, I have to admit something I've been sitting on for years that makes me feel very uncomfortable and I'm judging myself about it. And I've told myself a story about you that you're going to judge me for it. Like, that may be the scariest thing that you ever do, but understand that it will not kill you.
- [46:31]
Kat
Don't sit on it for years.
- [46:32]
Caitlin V
Yeah, no one's heart ever stopped because they said the hard thing.
- [46:35]
Guest
Right?
- [46:36]
Kat
I love it.
- [46:37]
Guest
Yeah.
- [46:38]
Kat
Thank you. Fantastic advice. Congratulations on your work. Your videos are incredible, guys. If you listen to the audio episode, please make sure you go to my YouTube channel. And her YouTube channel, the link is here so you can watch the videos because you're gorgeous, you're intelligent, and your work is insanely helpful and fabulous. So I'm very honored that you're here.
- [46:55]
Caitlin V
Thank you so much. Thank you for having me.
- [46:57]
Kat
And hopefully we'll do part two because, like, I'm looking at my list of things that I want to ask. I'm like, oh my God, I have so many more questions. Yeah, let's do it. So guys, if you have any questions, questions for Caitlyn, shoot. And we'll do a part two.
- [47:08]
Caitlin V
Excellent.
- [47:09]
Kat
Thank you so much. It was such an honor having you. Be safe out there. And guys go have good sex.
- [47:14]
Caitlin V
Thank you.
- [47:15]
Kat
It was amazing.