Loading summary
Transcript97 lines
- [00:00]
A
So here's the thing with homemade meals, eating them is great, but all the chopping and measuring and cleanup, not so much. With new one pan, assemble and bake meals from Blue Apron, you get all the flavor of homemade meals with a fraction of the work. Just assemble the pre chopped ingredients, bake in the oven and enjoy. Shop, assemble and bake@blueapron.com get 50% off your first two orders with code apron50. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com terms for more. Maybe you like cooking, maybe you don't. Either way, the new Blue Apron is for you. Because along with our classic meal kits, we're offering new pre made and one pan meals to help you get dinner on the table fast. And now there's no subscription needed, so you can just order and enjoy. Do delicious food your way. Shop 100 meals@blueapron.com get 50% off your first two orders with code apron50. Terms and conditions apply. Visit blueapron.com terms for more.
- [01:01]
B
Dr. Jody, welcome to Carondalus. It's such a pleasure and honor having you here.
- [01:06]
C
Kat, I'm so excited to be here.
- [01:08]
B
I am very excited to have you because I was looking at your videos, your fabulous work, and I think you're so inspiring. And before I ask any question, I have to say I love the name of your podcast.
- [01:19]
C
Thank you. Thank you. We're in this loneliness epidemic and we've never been more disconnected in this connected world. So it's. Yeah, it's all the things you talk.
- [01:28]
B
About too unlonely, right? Unlone, yes. So, yeah, we get there. Exactly. So let's start by talking about that because it's holiday season, I get DMS every single day. And you probably do as well from people from all over the world telling me, cat, I feel so lonely. I feel so lost. And I think the holidays just magnify everything. And I mean, I try to encourage them. And I've been doing a lot of posts on my social media, like little ideas that I use for myself and that I think might be good ideas for people out there. But since you're the doctor and you're the expert, let's start with that. Do you have a message for anyone listening that can help? I. I mean, how do we help somebody feeling super lonely right now?
- [02:16]
C
Yeah, Two things I think you can't address what you don't acknowledge. So let's just really take a snapshot about where we're at right now. We're the first generation of parents, of business, owners, of women to have Access to social media. And we are not designed for this much noise, okay? So before we even get up in the morning, before we even pee, we are comparing ourselves to other people. We're checking our email, trying to keep our businesses together, trying to hold our children together, trying to worry about all the things, huh? And our cor. Cortisol. What happens when you check an email before you even pee is that your cortisol spikes. And that means your blood pressure goes up. That means your shoulders go up around your ears. So before you even get out of bed, this is what's happening. And there's this constant inundation all day long. I strap on a ring that tells me what's going on with everything. I, My watch has me connected to everybody. They're buzzing me all day long. It's like a cortisol shooter. And so let's just be really clear, right, that we should be tired, we should be overwhelmed. So I want to start this great little chat by this, I want you just to drop your shoulders wherever you are in this world, in this moment, we're all carrying so much, we mean so much to so many and we are in this heightened state. So wiggle your toes. And this is really critical for us middle aged women. Let your gut out, Let your gut out. Let those shoulders down and drop your tongue from the roof of your mouth. That is, that is a regulated body and we spend very little time here. And so from here, then we talk about all the things we can do, all the things we can't do because we're really not that good. To make it a perfect holiday. To undo multiple generations of abuse, neglect and trauma. To address the fact that we married the wrong person the first once or twice around, we, you know.
- [04:01]
B
Yeah.
- [04:02]
C
When you bring it back down, it's the discipline of connection that's going to be the greatest challenge of this next generation.
- [04:08]
B
Yeah. So, I mean, I understand the theories, but look, I get message and I'm the same. Let's say, let's use me as an example. When people tell me, are you gonna slow down during Christmas? Right. Slow down, breathe, take time off. I'm like, no, I can't. I own my business. I pay my bills. I don't have a husband. My husband died years ago. Like, I depend on myself. I have people that depend on myself. I'm like, I. It's, it's easy saying, but it's not easy done for, for millions, I'm saying women, I know men too. But for millions and millions of women, we cannot literally Just. Okay, great. I'm going to shut. Shut down and take a break.
- [04:49]
C
Yeah, you don't have to. You can't. I mean, we're not this successful because we're good at meditating. Slowing down. Yeah. And I want you to think about microdosing it. So in the moment before you get up in the morning, drop your shoulders. Put. Put it. Put the word shoulders on your bathroom mirror, on your computer screen. And when you're in the middle of doing a great big talk, when you're stepping in to just do the Next best podcast, 2Seconds is all I need. Close your eyes and do this. Andrew Huberman talks about the importance of the two intakes and one outtake. You expel the quickest amount of CO2 on the planet, and it regulates your nervous system. It reminds you that you got this, you're safe. And so we don't have a lot of time to go into this, into the world and do goat yoga. Right. Nobody has five days to sit in the mountains, so let's be realistic about what we can do, which is in this moment, next best. Right. Kind thing. That's all I want you to do.
- [05:51]
B
Yeah. So look, let's give some. I have this idea. You tell me if you like my idea or not. Like, when somebody sends me a message and they say, oh, I feel super lonely, I think if you stay home, like, especially if you're single, right. If you live alone, if you stay home, like, and you sit on the couch and you start eating crap, I think it makes it much worse. So I always tell people, like, make a huge, massive effort. Like, put on your lipstick or a favorite outfit, whatever it is that lifts your spirits, make a huge effort and go out. Like, for example, if you work from home, get your computer and sit in a cafe, because very likely there are other people there that are going through the same thing. And. And then people respond to me, oh, but it's so hard. So I say, yeah, so the first step of getting out of the house is hard, but I think if you do that, like, go to an exercise class or sit at a cafe or whatever it is, you know, it gets exponentially better and better and better every day. Do you think that's a good idea?
- [06:54]
C
I think you're brilliant. And. And, you know, in. In the veil of grief, it becomes even harder. And in the veil of loneliness, it becomes even harder. So here's the truth about humans. Whoever created us, we're way more alike than we are different. Race is a social construct. Gender identity is a social Construct. We start in exactly the same place, we end in exactly the same place. Our DNA as humans is 99.98% the same. The two rules of the human race is this. Number one, we're neurobiologically wired for connection. You disconnect from an infant, they die. No matter how good we get at the AI, authentic interaction is the only thing that's going to matter. The curveball in this human race is despite the fact that we're neurobiologically wired for connection, the hardest thing we will ever do is look at each other. And so you have to be disciplined. And yes, it's hard. Yes, it's brutal. You do not need to go out and create a book club for 57,000 homeless women. What I need you to do is one small thing a day. Wave at your neighbors, go out for coffee once a week. Do the things that feel doable for you. But just one small thing. And this isn't, not for anybody else other than you. You don't deserve to be this disconnected in a world that needs you so much right now.
- [08:04]
B
Yeah. And look, I agree with you. And for me, you know, I live alone. You probably don't know my back, my backstory, but my husband, I went through horrific trauma seven years ago. My mom passed away, my husband died, I lost all my assets. The car was crazy chaos. The cars didn't force. I literally had to start my life over from zero. From zero. And that's how I started the show and rebuilding and everything. And we are going to talk about resilience. So when women out there tell me, how did you do it? How do you do it? How do you do it? One thing that works for me to combat loneliness and I very rarely feel lonely is because I keep myself insanely busy. And that really helps me mentally. I know you said, like, yeah, we have a lot on our plate, but I actually think the more you work on self projects, whether it's the work that you love or like a side gig, for me it was rescuing dogs because they make me get out of the door. I always tell people, like, if you are lonely, if you're sitting in front of the tv, like, or staring at the walls, you probably don't have enough going on. Maybe you should think about doing something else. Like maybe a side project that you dreamed about doing that could become a business. Like, for me, it happened. The podcast. It started as a pet project. I was just venting. And now, you know, it's one of the top podcasts in the world. It Became a business. Do you think it's good advice, like telling people to do more or like it's actually wrong?
- [09:36]
C
I think it can be right and wrong because I think if you just do more to avoid the pain and you numb it with busyness, it is. It's not good for you. I think what I want you to do, slowing down in and of itself isn't great. I want you to think about how you do your work. I want you to think about what you're doing for yourself in this concept of, yes, be busy. People say that to me all the time, too.
- [09:57]
B
Slow down.
- [09:57]
C
How are you so busy? I've never been happier because I love my work and I love my children and I love everything that I do. But what's really critical is that if I'm not okay, the people I love don't stand a chance. And this isn't about self care and yoga. You can drink all the kale you want. If you're doing it in a dysregulated body, it's a waste of time. So again, here's what I want you to think about. Drop your shoulders. Regulate that system. If this is true to you, you are safe in this body. You've experienced significant loss, you've experienced significant pain, and you've built it back up. When you know you. Just a minute a day, just 20 seconds a day. Don't do this big and crazy. It doesn't have to be scary, but slow it down just a little bit. Look up at the sky, drop your shoulders, and then rescue the next dog and then have the next conversation right that little bit. And here's the issue. We want to fix it for everybody. When people are upset and sad, we're like, how about you? How about you? How about you? Yes. One of the questions that bring people back to us the quickest is this. Tell me more. When people say to you, cat, I'm so lonely, I don't know what to do, I feel really distrust. We want to be like, try this, try this, try this. Beautiful, beautiful, holy work in the middle. That's called acknowledgement.
- [11:10]
B
I know.
- [11:11]
C
And that acknowledgment, here's the three words that allow you to acknowledge. Another really easy. Ready? Tell me more.
- [11:20]
B
I love that because sometimes people just want to be heard. Right?
- [11:23]
C
Sometimes people just always, always, when you're acknowledged, you rise.
- [11:28]
B
Yeah.
- [11:28]
C
And they just want. You want people to know your story. And it doesn't. You don't have to fix it. You're not that good. I can't bring Your husband back. I'm not that good. But in solidarity, I can learn about him. I can say, what was his name?
- [11:40]
B
Yeah.
- [11:41]
C
What do you miss the most about him? You know, I just lost my dad 161 days ago. And when people say, I'm sorry for your loss, it does not hit the same then if they say something like this. What do you miss about him the most? Yeah, his name was Lane, and I love to talk about him. And I think that sometimes when we just are like, okay, it's okay, it's okay. I know you lost everything. Let's go plant a tree. You're gonna be fine. The intention is we want. We don't want you to be sad, but the result is we miss it.
- [12:11]
B
That is such a good point. But here's the thing. I know, and. And I know you talk a lot about that. Most adults, they're so busy with their own lives, their own problems, their own chaos. Even friends, right? I'm saying quote, unquote, because even your friends, when you get together with them, they want to vent, and they have their own problems, and most people are not good listeners, and they can barely handle their own chaos. So it's very hard to find someone unless you're paying. Like, some people can afford to pay for therapist, but a lot of people cannot afford to pay for therapist. So it's very hard to find someone that's going to sit with you and say, tell me all about it. You know, I want to hear you. I actually want to listen to what you have to say. It's very difficult to find that connection nowadays.
- [12:54]
C
Yeah. And, Kat, what happens when we get with our people is that we're fighting for air and we're in constant state of comparison. So I did this. You did this. Oh, my God. I got to tell you this. I got to tell you that, okay? And so sometimes I want you just to think about the one friend that gets it the most. And it actually doesn't even need to be your best friend. It's somebody who's the most regulated in your world. And you say to them, listen, can we have a coffee? Can we meet together face to face? And for 15 minutes, I'm going to tell you everything. And then for the next 15, I want to hear everything about you. Let's do this by design, right? Because I think so much of the time we're fighting for air. We're trying to prove that we're good, we're together. We are the first generation of women that have access to social media. The constant state of comparison means we always feel like we're not enough. And the truth is, we are in a loneliness epidemic. People have never felt this unseen. And so when you start to understand that your superpower has given it away, you create these really safe, regulated communities that allow you, just to be you, to put it down for a little while, which is all we need to be great.
- [13:56]
B
No, I totally agree with you, and I'm happy you mentioned social media, because we. You. I use for my work. You use for your work, and I always tell people, use it for work. But if you're sitting there scrolling and putting your personal excuse, if you use it as a marketing platform, fantastic, right? You're gonna. You gotta sell your fish. But don't sit there. Like you said, what's the point in comparing? Compare. Oh, my God, she's richer, she's skinnier, she has more. She has the happy relationship. Of course you're gonna go crazy. I have this habit, Dr. Jody, and. And tell me your opinion about it. And I. A lot of people think I'm crazy. Like, everybody asks me, oh, do you look at other podcasters? Do you look at other girls? And I'm like, never, never. And I do it on purpose. The reason why I don't is because I don't want to start getting sucked into this vortex of comparing, like, oh, my God, she has more downloads, she has more comments. She's better. I literally, like, do my thing, like, in my lane, and I only open my social media for my work and a few mentors and people that inspire me, but I never look at other women that do exactly what I do because I don't want to compare myself. I think, like, we each do our own thing, right? We each have our own style, so it works for me. What do you think about that? Because I know a lot of people love looking at other women, and I know a lot of coaches tell business owners that, oh, look at your competitors. Look at your competitors. I actually think it's a horrible idea to do that.
- [15:32]
C
Yeah, I love that about you. I think sometimes we have to be realistic, right? In terms of. We get exposed to this stuff all the time. And, I mean, I understand the data. I'm very clear about it. I've written books about it, and I get sucked in all the time. So so many of us, we're just not that good. And that's okay, too, right? I know that. It's very alluring. And listen, your. Your social media platforms are designed specifically for you. I created a community online, a Safe place where people can land to talk about hard things. Because as a woman, I'm the first generation of people, you know, in my family that have been. I make more money than my husband. There's not a script for that. I love my children more than I love my work. There's not a script for that.
- [16:10]
B
Hi.
- [16:12]
C
How do we sort of have these, where do we create these safe places? And so it's not all a bad place. It's not negative. It's like where do you just. I want you to notice where it feeds your soul and where it sucks from it. And when it sucks your soul, all I want you to do is notice it. You don't have to stop because the permission is. I want you to be better for the people around you and know that these platforms are designed to keep us connected there because they're making money. It's irrefutable. The data is irrefutable. And once you know that, I mean the big four, if I were to take the big four right now, Apper, Apple, Uber, Meta and Google, they own an 8.49 trillion dollar market share capitalization.
- [16:49]
B
Wow.
- [16:50]
C
Which means it's a great big business to keep us disconnected from the humans that are going to fuel our souls.
- [16:55]
B
Yeah.
- [16:55]
C
So when I know that data, I know they're going to be better at this than keeping me there. And I am going to put it in its place as much as I can. Which means I'm going to do simple things like this. One day a week I'm going to charge my phone outside my bedroom. One day a week I'm going to drive with no music on, no podcasts. I'm just gonna be still in my body. That is where I know how to respond to people. That is where I know how to be the best partner and how to be the best mom. I if like I wrote a best selling book called Kids these days. It's the best friggin parenting book I've ever read. If you watch me with, with my own children, you wouldn't buy the book because I wrote that thing when I was regulated. You understand this isn't that we don't know what to do, we just lose access to it. And so so much of it is find the places that regulate you and spend more time there.
- [17:42]
B
Yeah. And what I also say, and that's a rule that I decided for my life. Like when I go out with a friend, like last night I was having dinner with a girlfriend that wanted to talk. I put because I have three phones, because I run an agency.
- [17:58]
C
Right.
- [17:58]
B
I run a pr, marketing and branding. So I literally have three freaking phones. I. I put my phones in my purse. I don't leave the phone on the table. I put the phone in my purse and I put it, like, on airplane mode or do not disturb, because I.
- [18:14]
C
Want to get it in your car. You should leave it in your car. The date is interesting. Even if it's on your body, you still think about it.
- [18:21]
B
Yeah, well, okay, whatever.
- [18:24]
C
You're doing great.
- [18:24]
B
Yeah, but you.
- [18:25]
C
I love that.
- [18:26]
B
I got used to that. But I want my whoever is with me to have the same respect, because nothing drives me crazier. When I see, like, families, kids, like, a couple, they're at the restaurant, and, like, one person is like this. And I'm thinking, like, that is so disrespectful. You know, unless you're, like, an ER surgeon, like, on call and somebody's dying, I don't think there's a reason for you to be, like, looking at your phone while somebody's there trying to talk to you and eat with you.
- [18:56]
C
Yes, 100%.
- [18:57]
B
Right.
- [18:58]
C
And it's like, it's sometimes important to have those conversations before you start a meal, because what we tend to do is we get pissed off in the middle of it, and we're like, hey, God, you know, I know. Instead of. We make that parameter when you text, okay, let's meet at 5. And here's what I'm wondering. Let's leave our phones in the car. And she might say, listen, I'm worried about my kids. I'm gonna have to. I'm like, okay, no problem. Then if we can, like, let's leave it. You know, you kind of set those parameters before you get there so that you're not pissed off or so that you're not going like, hey, look at me. Because I do that to my husband all the time. I'm like, okay, phone down. And he's like, okay, pot, kettle. And then we're mad at each other versus, like, let's take the next 20 minutes, leave the phones over here, and let's sit and look at each other. It's like, it's the discipline that's gonna have to change the way we talk about things, because we've never. We're new here. Introduction to the forward facing camera was 2009. We didn't grow up with it. We don't know.
- [19:50]
B
But it amazes me, like you said, you know, we didn't grow up with it. I mean, I feel really bad for the Kids that are growing up with it and the parents don't control them, that's a whole other conversation. Right? Because I see like three teens glued to their phone. I have a 14 year old nephew and my sister is fantastic in terms of like not letting him get sucked in. He doesn't have social media, he reads a million books, he's an honor student. But I see kids of other people, like, sucked in the phone. But us adults, like you said, when I see two adults, like trying to have a date or a meal or something, it's all about communication, communicating beforehand. And you tell that person, like, look, I don't have a lot of time, I'm really busy. So let's make sure we connect and we talk. I think, I mean, that's mutual respect, right? That you can put your phone on the side for that person for an hour, for 45 minutes, whatever time it is that you have available.
- [20:47]
C
Yeah, And I think the key there, Kat, is the communication part of it. Because we start to make assumptions that people don't want to spend time with us. And so it hurts, hurts our heart when they just look at their watch when they get distracted by a text message with all of those things. And so it's by design to be able to shut some of those things off. Because we're not that good. We're not that good. We love everybody in that phone. We, we would. When I get a text from my brother that says, you know, can you call me right now? And I'm giving a talk or I'm on stage with somebody, you lose half of my attention and I start thinking about him. And so we have to take those things out of our systems. It will be okay, right? As I think about this for teachers, I think about this for physicians, I think about this for everybody who's in a human services perspective. You know, even as we do this podcast, right, I have to shut off my email notifications because, yeah, as I'm talking to you, if I get a little pop up that says, oh my God, you got this contract, I'm like, holy. Like. And so all of that has to go off so that you get 100 of me.
- [21:45]
B
Yes, exactly. And I do the same. Now I want to talk really quickly because so much I want to cover. I know that's another major issue for a lot of adults, even though, of course for the ones that feel lonely. But for a lot of people, they always ask me this question. It's very difficult to make new friends as adults nowadays. Like, so I get this question how do I increase my circle? Friends, how do you make friends? Everybody's so busy. La la la la. Any ideas? How do you make new friends in this chaos?
- [22:20]
C
Yes. First of all, I would say, you know, who do you want to hang out with? Really be clear on who you want. And then that's so critical. And then you curate that. Most of all, we, you know, we use. If the social anxiety is a thing for you, it's really like, you know, taking a look online about when people are gathering in person and doing that right. So there's often more and more. Like taking your dog to the dog park, putting yourself going out for dinner alone. People are so disconnected that when you strike up a conversation at the soccer field, when you're at an elevator and you can say, oh my gosh, I love your chief's hoodie, or like, did you get that? It takes such bravery and such courage and to know that if I always think about people are so lonely right now, I could not only change your life, I could save it. And so I want to know, curiosity is your greatest asset right now. And just ask questions, see what happens. Notice the energy, whether they're going to be somebody that fuels you. You're pretty intuitive when you're slowed down and you're interested in that. So put yourself in positions where you can have face to face conversations with people.
- [23:28]
B
Yeah, I completely agree with you. I always say you need to put yourself out there. I give people simple ideas. Like you said, if you have a dog, I always meet people at the dog park. Another idea is it's a great time. If you're feeling lonely and you want to make friends, try a new sport. Because there's like, for example, pickleball, right? You go to a new pickleball and there's always a huge group of people there. And every weekend there is new people there. I started it like two years ago and every Saturday we go, there's new people. So I'm saying, like, you gotta put yourself out there. Like even if you have social anxiety, maybe the first time is a little intimidating. But I think the more you do it is like riding a bicycle. The more you get used to it. The worst thing people can do is stay home watching TV and eating crap because that's just going to make everything worse. Do you agree?
- [24:21]
C
Yes, and I do agree. And here's the interesting thing about many of us working from home, doing our podcast from home, the Hybrid Experience. I understand that it makes it so much more accessible. The data is really interesting around coming back into the office. Because social capital is the greatest contribution of longevity, of healthy longevity. If we look at the blue zones around the world, the people who live the longest and in the healthiest bodies, it's not even how much you drink or how much you smoke or all of those kind of things. It's how much you interact with people socially in the run of a day. So putting yourselves in those positions, instead of ordering your groceries from Instacart this week, go to the grocery store. Instead of getting another item from Amazon for your Christmas list, actually make the thing out. You know, go out and go into the store. I know, it's awful. There's so many people. Okay, give yourself a time limit for an hour because it's interesting. And then just watch what other people do notice. Give them a compliment. Oh my gosh, your. Your baby looks so great. Or I love that too. I'm thinking about that for my child. Just notice people get shocked when in elevator when you say good morning and understand that our purpose. This is. This quote saved my life. Are you ready? It's by a dead guy named Ram Dass. And he said this. We are all just here walking each other home.
- [25:37]
B
Oh, I love. That's very powerful.
- [25:40]
C
Nobody gets out of here alive.
- [25:42]
B
Yeah.
- [25:43]
C
And some of the most powerful work we will ever do is in the walking home.
- [25:47]
B
Yeah. You know, I do one thing and a lot of people think I'm crazy, but it's, it's very simple and it's extremely efficient. I and I say that every time you're walking around on the street, whatever it is that you're doing, smile. It's unbelievable how much a smile disarms other people and make you feel approachable. Like I walk all over the place in revelues with my dogs and I doesn't matter who walks by me, I, I just doesn't matter what I'm going through, by the way, because nobody needs to know my. I always smile and 99 of the time people smile back at me. And I started making friends just from walking around my neighborhood. People like, oh my God, you're the girl from the podcast. Oh, how are you? Because they remember you more if you smile. You know, it's something so simple and I get shocked how few people do it.
- [26:48]
C
Oh my gosh. And it's so powerful. Can I just tell you what I want you to watch? The next time you get somebody, you give somebody a smile, look at their eyes. If you focus significantly on what happens with their eyes, you change their entire face and they look Younger, they soften. And so this is just sort of what I look for all the time. The other thing that I try all the time, especially with my kids, is that we wave at people trying to get a wave back. So every stop light and stop sign that you're at, if you're driving, I know this is a big deal in Beverly Hills, but I want you to drive. I want you to be waving at him. You know, I grew up in a small town in Alberta, Canada. If you did not wait at the stop signs, people were pissed off. Okay. And the second. Because they're like, who does she think she is driving around? So now when we get into bigger centers, we stop interacting. But we're all the same humans.
- [27:32]
B
Yeah.
- [27:33]
C
We all are wired for connection. So give it away and. And buy coffee for somebody in the lineup behind you.
- [27:40]
B
Totally.
- [27:40]
C
Little things like that will change you, not them. And it doesn't matter the response. I'm most interested in you. Yeah.
- [27:46]
B
Another thing that I do that I love doing, and I know it can change a person's day. If I'm walking around and I see, like, a lady going to work, I'm like, oh, wow, you look so beautiful. Oh, I love your outfit. I love your boots. Oh, wow, your hair is so nice. Because that person, I know they're gonna be thinking about that's gonna set the tone for their energy the rest of the day. Because somebody notice what they did. And I just love complimenting people. Like, I try to do that every single day, and I just love the energy of doing that.
- [28:20]
C
Huh. And if you notice, even if you surprise people with that, you know, like, I. There's so many beautiful things, and it costs you nothing.
- [28:28]
B
Exactly.
- [28:28]
C
But when you're doing that, you. You have to be regulated. So it's like sort of this 007 secret trick. Because if I say to you, all I need you to do is give away three compliments today. That's all I want you to do. And you're like, that's it. Yes. I want you to be genuine, and I want you to find three people who need it. You can do more if you want, but at least three I know when you are giving that compliment, you yourself have to be noticing other people. So you're taking the focus out of your anxiety. You're taking the focus out of, I'm not too much. I'm too fat, I'm too skinny. I should be making more. When I say to you, I need you to look at other people three times today. In that moment, you're giving your nervous system a break. And that's all I want you to do. So three times between the holidays. Everybody needs to hear it. Do it in a genuine way. You'll not only change that life, you'll save it.
- [29:14]
B
Oh, my. You know, I completely agree with you. That's why I pass it forward. I believe in energy so much. I don't know if you do. I believe in energy and I believe in karma. So I'm always trying. If I can make one person feel better, if I can make one person smile, if I can make one person feel a little less lonely, I feel like, okay, I'm doing my job. So I can be having, like. And nobody ever noticed, by the way. That's another thing. And I want to ask you about that before we run out of time. I can be having the worst day because, of course, we all have problems, right? I mean, any given day, I'm dealing with a million issues. But when I go out there, and I always. And I actually did a post on my social media last night about it, like, I put on my best poker face, so to speak. I'm always smiling. I try to look as best as I can. Why? Because I feel that you don't want to see people. You don't want to let strangers see you bleed. Because I think predators will pounce on it. And also I think my energy changes if I put on a poker face. I can be having the worst day. If I go out there and I'm always smiling and try to be nice, things shift in my favor. Do you like my approach?
- [30:32]
C
Well, I. I think I do. I think that there's a piece to this that's important. I also think there's a piece to not always faking it. If you are sad, if you are overwhelmed, feeling it is important. You have to name it to tame it. So there is a piece of that that you need to hold space for somewhere. And then there's also a time where you have to kick yourself in the ass and say, let's go. So I think there's two pieces to it that often happen in succession for each other. Make sure you are putting those emotions somewhere. You're journaling, you're finding that friend. You have the therapist, you name it. Particularly if it's never been safe to do that in your world. Because if you get, you know, emotional, then you're vulnerable and people are going to cut you. If that's the story in your body, you need to find a place to put it. If there's nobody, then you write, you journal, you put that somewhere, and then the second step of that is exactly what you're talking about. And then you take, no, I'm going to do this for 10 minutes. I'm going to come out, I'm going to put my shoulders back. The world is lucky to have me, and it needs me.
- [31:29]
A
Me.
- [31:30]
B
Yeah. So this is what I think. Yes, you, of course, you have to vent your sadness and your issues somehow, but I think you should do it in private. Okay, let me give you an example. Like I said seven years ago, when my husband died, I lost everything. I was broke. I didn't have a job. I didn't have a support system. I mean, I was down and out. It was like sink or swim. And I used to make this mistake. Like, I would go out there on a date or whatever it was, and I would tell people, like, oh, my God. And most people take advantage of that. I think most people in the world are not nice. Most people, unfortunately, are going to see you bleed, and they're going to take advantage of it. Then one day I was like, you know what? I'm going to change my strategy. And I. I said, I'm going to look like a million bucks. I'm going to put my best outfit on, red lipstick, the. Do my hair. And I started walking around Beverly Hills.
- [32:24]
C
Like I had it all.
- [32:26]
B
And it started changing the game for me. People want to do business with you. People want to date you. People want, you know, because nobody wants to deal with a loser, so to speak. So that's when I started my theory. Suffer in private. Deal with your in private. But when you go out into the world, that's why I use the. The expression poker face. I'm not saying, like, lie, but I'm saying, like, kind of fake it a little bit, because it's going to open more doors for you. It's going to change the game.
- [32:56]
C
Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. I think there's something so important in that process, and I never want to underestimate that for some people. It's hard to do that for some people. When mental health becomes a big issue, when you're in the middle of grief and loss, you know, the days after you lost your husband, there was no way you were getting up and going out. So there is time and a place for everything. But eventually, I think what we need is cheerleaders, coaches, companions that say, all right, let's go. And I think that that's the critical space where we need the safe places to fall into when it's like, yes, this is a hard time. We don't have a script for this. And we need a community. A community that can say, let's go, let's go.
- [33:34]
B
Yeah. So somebody out there listening, let's say they're going through something horrible right now. Whatever heartbreak, loss, financial hardship, whatever it is, they. I know they're going to say, oh, but how do I pull myself back up? How do I do it? And it's the famous resilience, right? I think, and I get that question all the time. I know I am an extremely resilient person. I. After everything I've been through, I know it's almost impossible to knock me down. And I always say that like I'm going to die, like in my heels and fighting for, for what I want to do. But a lot of people ask me, how do you. And I know you always talk about it, how do you become a resilient person if you are not resilient? Like, yeah, you can look at the Facebook groups. You can, anybody, they're like, how do I do it?
- [34:23]
C
Oh my God.
- [34:25]
B
So you're the expert. Is there a way for a non resilient person to become resilient? Is resilience something you build up? How does it work?
- [34:34]
C
It's a skill, it's a practice. And I would argue that most people are way more resilient than they give themselves credit score for.
- [34:39]
B
I agree.
- [34:40]
C
Survived so much in your life. And each of us have a story that can bust your soul open. And so the question is, how did you get here? How did you do that? How did you survive this, this long? And I want you to sink into that a little bit and be like, okay, there's some strategies there that I use, right? I make sure that I do this or I do that. And if you're feeling disconnected, we tend to do this much better when we're together, when we lean into other stories and then share our own to say this is how right. I don't always get it right, but I know that there's moments where have got it right. And then they listen to somebody like you, Cat, who has survived so many things and you're like, I. Nobody needs to be like Cat, you don't need to go through the fire it to to be able to survive it. You have your own story that equally you could write a podcast for. I mean, I know this to be true for all of us.
- [35:27]
B
Listen, I don't wish anybody on this planet what I had to go through. I really hope no woman in the world has to go through what I went through. But I do know there are so many women out there and, man, let's say people suffering right now. So any practical baby steps to building up resilience, to getting out of whatever funk you're in right now?
- [35:50]
C
Yeah, slow it down. So when we get overwhelmed with everything, we think about what? About what? About. Yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but, yeah, but okay, Right. Tell me more. How did we get here? Slow it down. Let's feel it in the body. That's number one. Number two, I want you to think really a lot about when you. Are you moving your body at all? Are you getting any sunshine in those eyeballs? Are you doing. Are you. You know, so get up, get out. That's a very critical piece. And then simply this, give away three compliments a day and then do those three things for this week and then come back to me and let me know how you're doing next week, because I promise you it'll be better. I agree. How do we make a change? We just build slowly. Don't look at the big macro because it gets overwhelming. Just next best. Right. Kind thing. You stack a few of those together and suddenly you look a lot different in three weeks.
- [36:38]
B
I love that you said that. It's like baby steps. Because I know a lot of people have this tendency to think about everything. Like, let's say you're in financial trouble. My mom was like that. She's like, oh, my God, I'm going to run out of money. I'm going to run out of money. I'm going to run. So all you're thinking about the whole day is the problem, and I think the problem grows. So I always say, like, instead of doing that, wake up in the morning and think about the solutions. Yeah, right. I always make a list of solutions. Like, oh, okay, I'm broke. Well, what can I do? What are my skills? What kind of job can I get to make a little more money? Oh, I'm out of shape.
- [37:14]
C
Slow it down. Yeah, you.
- [37:16]
B
I focus on the solutions. Whatever my problem is, I wake up and I don't think about the problem. I think about solutions for the problem.
- [37:25]
C
Nice, nice, nice. And I think that's such a stepwise place, you know, let's take a look at where we're at, how we got here, feel all of those things, and then how do we come up the other side? Yeah, yeah. Yep. It's that place process that you do so beautifully.
- [37:39]
B
It's all about breathing, right?
- [37:41]
C
It really is. It really Is. It's a. It's. It's an ancient Eastern philosophical practice that we always get back to in times of distress. Mostly because it's irrefutably correct.
- [37:53]
B
Yeah. And I mean, I have to say, I love your work because I love your energy. I think you're so upset. Uplifting. And I am so grateful that the universe connected us because I'm all about human empowerment. If you guys are out there listening, if you are feeling lonely, try any one of these little steps, right? Like take a shower, put on a nice outfit, breathe, go for a walk. If you have a dog. If you don't have a dog, I highly recommend rescue a dog, because they rescue us right back. But listen to an amazing podcast. Baby steps, right, Dr. Jody?
- [38:25]
C
Yes, ma'. Am.
- [38:26]
B
And where can people find you and your podcast?
- [38:29]
C
Oh, my gosh. I would love your community to come over to ours. I'm at Dr. Jom. You'll find everything over there.
- [38:36]
B
Okay, so the link is right here. If you guys are listening to the audio episode. If you're on YouTube on the video episode, the. The. Her link is also here. Go for it. I mean, I love the name unlonely. I think it should be a new word in our dictionary. Mary. And if you know anybody out there that is lonely, reach out. Like I said, say hi to a neighbor, right? Send someone flowers for no reason. Small gestures of kindness so we can all be less lonely and. And help each other out.
- [39:06]
C
I love it.
- [39:07]
B
Thank you. I'm so honored to have you. And whenever you come down here to California, let me know so we can do another one and get together and meet in person.
- [39:17]
C
I would love that. I would love that.
- [39:18]
B
Guys, be safe out there. I love you. And. And keep reaching out. We're trying to respond to every single DMs that we're getting because I don't want anybody lonely out there and. And be safe and love each other. Thank you so much. I'll talk to you soon.