Kat on the Loose: "YOUR DIAGNONSENSE with TODD BARATZ"

Host: Kat Zammuto
Guest: Todd Baratz (Therapist, @yourdiagnonsense)
Date: January 7, 2026

Episode Overview

This episode kicks off Season 6 of Kat on the Loose, where host Kat Zammuto is joined by therapist and social media influencer Todd Baratz (known for his account @yourdiagnonsense). Their frank conversation explores the psychology of relationships: why clear communication is so difficult, the realities behind labels like “toxic” or “narcissist,” overcoming fear of being alone, attachment and trauma in relationships, and the practical realities of self-love and growth. The tone is down-to-earth, compassionate, and bracingly honest, catering to listeners seeking both validation and straight talk about the messiness of love and human connection.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Communication & Sex Connection

• Todd’s viral post inspires the opening: “I want a relationship where we fuck like animals and communicate like adults.”

  • [01:10] Kat: “Most people...have massive problems when it comes to asking for what they want in their sex lives...Why is it such a big deal...to communicate openly?”
  • [02:06] Todd: Communication is vital for all wants and needs—it’s how we get our needs met in any area, including sex.

    “We can know this...and yet become so activated, triggered, reactive...we shut down, forget how to communicate, withhold...So there’s a lot of emotion that gets in the way of us communicating.”

• Many people, especially men, avoid open communication due to deep-seated shame, often absorbed from childhood messaging about vulnerability.

  • [04:28] Todd: “Any kind of avoidance of communication...is an unconscious expression of shame. So the challenge is that many people don't even know that they're afraid of communicating.”

Notable Quote

Todd [05:45]: “The tool isn’t going to help you chisel away at anything if you don’t even know what you’re chiseling at.”

2. Therapy: Stigma and Self-Work

• Kat and Todd discuss lingering stigma against therapy—especially for men—and the misconception that seeking help means something is wrong with you.
  • [06:48] Todd: “You can't force anyone to do anything. You can really just normalize encouragement, talk about where values come from...But beyond trying to convince...that's not always...the most helpful road to go down.”

3. The Problem with Labels: “Toxic” and “Narcissist”

• Kat raises Todd’s advice to “Stop calling everyone toxic or a narcissist.”

  • [07:46] Kat: “How do we know...Am I really dating a narcissist?”
  • [08:26] Todd: The issue isn’t removing the labels but reflecting on their meaning. Instead of diagnosing others, focus on the personal impact and underlying patterns:

    “How does their narcissism impact me?...How did I get to the place where I was deeply attached to somebody who is potentially narcissistic?”

• Emphasizes examining our own histories and the ways partners may mirror unresolved familial wounds.

Notable Quote

Todd [10:00]: “Call people a narcissist, fine. But the focus can’t just be on...can you believe they did this, this, and that?...The real...core and meaning is the impact...and what that parallels in our childhood.”

4. Why We Stay in Harmful Relationships

• Kat asks why people remain with “toxic” or cheating partners even when they know the situation is harmful.

  • [12:36] Todd: Relational trauma and “trauma bonds” create cycles of attachment and reward/pain.

    “The person is the person that causes the wounding...but also the only person that can relieve the wounding...Our attachment system and nervous system...becomes oriented around relief-seeking.”

• People often confuse potential for capacity. Real change is proven by consistent action, not occasional good behavior.

  • [15:55] Todd: “People are looking at potential and confusing that for capacity. Capacity means every day. Every day, someone is a safe partner. Not a perfect partner...but someone that isn’t gonna lash out...or do this toxic shit that really wounds us.”

Memorable Moment

Kat [17:43]: “It took me 15 freaking years to learn that...I hope nobody takes as long as I did...You can be walking on eggshells—it’s impossible to live like that.”

5. The Fear of Being Alone

• Kat reflects on people’s terror of solitude and the belief that happiness requires a partner.

  • [19:23] Todd: The wound of aloneness often stems from childhood deprivation. This fear pops back up throughout life; being alone is part of the human condition.

• Healing comes from recognizing and understanding the origins of this fear, not just “solving” it through distraction or desperate coupling.

Notable Quote

Todd [24:03]: “Some people...stay there and they say, ‘Well, I need this,’ and they become defined by that... When you’re saying these things, you really want to stop and be like, ‘Okay, well, what’s going on for me here? What is this really about?’”

6. Fulfillment, Happiness, and the Power of Presence

• The danger of “future tripping”—obsessing over what will happen if we’re single at a certain age, rather than focusing on what brings satisfaction today.

• Kat: The more fulfilled we are in our own lives (friends, hobbies, work), the more likely we’ll attract healthy love.

  • [27:45] Todd: “Nothing is ever going to do anything and fill that kind of a hole. Nothing is going to solve our life. So...pay attention to...the things that we’re telling ourselves.”

7. Carrying Trauma Into New Relationships

• Kat shares how after being hurt, people project past pain onto new potential partners.
  • [29:23] Todd: “To live unconsciously is to do what your friend is doing...transfer the unresolved into other people and...project the unresolved into other people. But to be more conscious...is to understand...I have work to do here.”

8. On Self-Love: Myths and Realities

• Todd pushes back on the oversimplification of “self love.”
  • [36:44] Todd: “Self love’s important...but...the way that self love is presented is...as something you do in your journal...where self love and self care and self nourishment get...collapsed. And relationships...become separate. Self love can never be separated from love for others...You can’t just isolate yourself and love yourself in isolation.”
  • Real self-love is demonstrated in how we interact, the partners we choose, the boundaries we uphold.

9. Mistakes and Growth: Learning, Not Shaming

• Kat: “How do we avoid making the same mistake over and over?”
  • [39:52] Todd: “You are gonna make the same mistakes again. We all make the same mistakes over and over and over again...But the important part is how you are with yourself when you make those mistakes...Try to understand yourself when you make these mistakes...and if you make the same thing again, there’s something more there for you to learn.”

10. Never Give Up on Love—But Expect Pain Along the Way

• Kat & Todd wrap up discussing hope after heartbreak, the risk of giving up on love, and the inevitability of pain:
  • [42:15] Todd: “Fear is pretty strong...We’ve really become so averse to pain...people will say, ‘I’m never doing this ever again.’...but when it comes to heartbreak...there’s really no way to avoid pain. This kind of pain avoidance thing is a really big problem.”

Memorable Closing

Kat [44:36]: “Never give up on love.”

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Todd [05:45]: “The tool isn’t going to help you chisel away at anything if you don’t even know what you’re chiseling at.”
• Todd [10:00]: “Call people a narcissist, fine. But the focus can’t just be on... what they did... The real core... is the impact... and what that parallels in our childhood.”
• Todd [15:55]: “Looking at potential and confusing that for capacity...Capacity means every day.”
• Kat [17:43]: “It took me 15 freaking years to learn that...You can be walking on eggshells—it's impossible to live like that.”
• Todd [24:03]: “...These are the things we’re telling ourselves. When you’re saying these things, you really want to stop and be like, ‘Okay, what’s going on for me here?’”
• Todd [27:45]: “Nothing is ever going to do anything and fill that kind of a hole...Nothing is going to solve our life.”
• Todd [36:44]: “Self-love can never be separated from love for others...You can’t just isolate yourself and love yourself in isolation.”
• Todd [39:52]: “You are gonna make the same mistakes again. We all make the same mistakes over and over and over again... but the important part is how you are with yourself when you make those mistakes.”
• Todd [42:53]: “You can avoid dating and you can have plenty of heartbreak in other areas...So there's really no way to avoid pain. This kind of pain avoidance is a really big problem.”
• Kat [44:36]: “Never give up on love.”

Key Takeaways

• Communication about needs—especially sexual—requires not just language, but confronting deeper shame and learned avoidance, especially among men.
• "Toxic" or "narcissist" labeling should be less about diagnosis and more about self-reflection: How does this pattern affect me and what does it echo from my past?
• Attachment to harmful partners (“trauma bonds”) is rooted in cycles of intermittent reward/pain and unresolved attachment wounds.
• "Potential" in a partner is not enough—look for everyday capacity for kindness and safety.
• The fear of being alone is universal and pops up in every life stage; fulfillment starts with understanding and supporting ourselves, not just “solving” loneliness.
• Don’t project pain and betrayal from one relationship onto others; conscious self-work is necessary to break cycles.
• Self-love is more than rituals or affirmations; it's relational and enacted in real choices and boundaries.
• Mistakes in love are inevitable; the key is to treat ourselves with compassion, learn, and not collapse into shame.
• Avoiding pain is impossible—resilience means being willing to risk hurt in the pursuit of genuine connections.

Connect with the Guest

• Todd Baratz: @yourdiagnonsense on Instagram
• Courses, insights, and resources available via his IG bio.