Ari Shaffir's Muse For His Special Was (John) Feitelberg - Full Interview

Summary

KFC Radio Episode Summary: "Ari Shaffir's Muse For His Special Was (John) Feitelberg - Full Interview"

Episode Information:

• Title: Ari Shaffir's Muse For His Special Was (John) Feitelberg - Full Interview
• Release Date: January 28, 2025
• Hosted By: KFC and Feitelberg
• Available On: Apple Podcasts, Spotify, YouTube, Amazon Music (Ad-free for Prime Members)

---

Introduction to Ari Shaffir's Comedy Special

In this episode of KFC Radio, hosts delve deep into the creation of Ari Shaffir's latest comedy special, exploring the pivotal role that John Feitelberg played as Ari's muse. The conversation navigates through the origins of the special's title, thematic inspirations, and the collaborative dynamics between Ari and Feitelberg.

Choosing the Perfect Title

The episode opens with a discussion about the evolving title of Ari's special. Initially titled "I Was Legit," Ari [00:23] explains his reasoning:

Ari [00:23]: "I thought it'd be like Nanette, where it's like, what does that mean? You'll know when you get to the closer."

However, concerns about the title's cultural resonance led to changes. Feitelberg [00:43] voices his reservations:

Feitelberg [00:43]: "That's too Jewy. Things in a row."

Ultimately, the title was revamped to better align with the special's content and audience perception.

John Feitelberg: The Muse Behind the Special

A significant portion of the conversation centers around John Feitelberg's influence on Ari's special. The hosts recount anecdotes highlighting Feitelberg's unique perspective and how it shaped the narrative of the comedy special.

Host A [33:28]: "I saw somebody take a dump in a toilet and throw it at the crowd at the box and burlesque show."

This story underscores the offbeat and bold humor that Feitelberg brings to the table, mirroring Ari's comedic style. The hosts further discuss the seamless blend of personal stories and bizarre hypotheticals that characterize the special, attributing much of its success to Feitelberg's creative input.

Production Challenges and Creative Decisions

Creating a standout comedy special is no small feat, and the hosts candidly discuss the hurdles faced during production. From initial concept development to final edits, several challenges emerged:

• Inclusion of Sensitive Content: Ari [33:42] shares an incident where he included a bit about "fucking Kim Kardashian," which was later cut for time and content appropriateness.

  Ari [19:41]: "I had this whole long thing about fucking Kim Kardashian... I cut that out for time."

• Balancing Humor with Respect: The team grappled with maintaining humor without crossing into disrespect, especially when referencing cultural or personal elements tied to Feitelberg.

• Title Refinement: As mentioned earlier, the shift from "I Was Legit" to a more culturally neutral title was a strategic move to ensure broader appeal and avoid alienating potential viewers.

Anecdotes and Behind-the-Scenes Insights

Throughout the episode, the hosts intersperse their discussion with humorous anecdotes and behind-the-scenes stories, offering listeners a glimpse into the camaraderie and creative synergy between Ari and Feitelberg.

• Feitelberg's Costume Choices: Feitelberg [75:22] humorously recounts his experiences with costume props for commercials, emphasizing the lengths they went to for authenticity.

  Feitelberg [75:22]: "It was like a three packer. And I was like, what the... What phase was I going through my life?"

• Interactions with Celebrities: The conversation also touches upon interactions with notable personalities during the production phase, adding layers to the narrative of creating the special.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

To highlight memorable moments from the episode, here are some standout quotes:

• Ari on Winning with Jackpocket Lottery App:

  Ari [01:09]: "I will probably win $44 million. That's probably gonna happen right now."

• Feitelberg on Title Selection:

  Feitelberg [00:43]: "That's too Jewy. Things in a row."

• Host A on Substitute Teaching:

  Host A [79:10]: "Is there anything more disrespected in the world than a substitute teacher?"

• Feitelberg Reflecting on Success:

  Feitelberg [35:22]: "I knew I nailed it. I didn't know if I'm gonna hit it."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on the profound impact of Feitelberg's mentorship and the collaborative efforts that brought Ari Shaffir's comedy special to fruition. They acknowledge the delicate balance between pushing comedic boundaries and maintaining respect, crediting much of the special's success to Feitelberg's unwavering support and creative vision.

Feitelberg [35:06]: "It’s a burden to raise the bar on yourself, but once you do it, you’re expected to keep up."

The episode serves as a testament to the power of creative collaboration and the importance of having a muse who not only inspires but also challenges an artist to elevate their craft.

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Key Takeaways:

• Creative Collaboration: The synergy between Ari Shaffir and John Feitelberg was instrumental in shaping the comedy special.
• Cultural Sensitivity: Thoughtful consideration in naming and content selection ensured the special's wide appeal.
• Overcoming Challenges: Navigating production hurdles with humor and adaptability contributed to the project's success.

Listeners gain an intimate understanding of the behind-the-scenes dynamics that fuel successful comedic endeavors, all wrapped in the engaging and candid banter typical of KFC Radio.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, KFC Radio listeners. You can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

[B]

No, I made final book shorts, but the first title of the special was gonna be.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I Was Legit. I had it as my title for a while, Fidelberg, because I thought it'd be like Nanette, where it's like, what does that mean? I'm like, you'll know when you get to the closer. And then Vecchion was like, that's too Jewy. Things in a row.

[A]

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[C]

Jack Pocket. Sorry, I was sending a Venmo request again. Unbelievable.

[A]

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[C]

Jack Pocket.

[A]

Jack Pocket. We got Jackpot Pocket everywhere. I have yet to win Mega Millions or Powerball.

[C]

Someone has, because I saw it driving here today back down to like zero. Drove by the billboard. It was like 30 and 50 something.

[A]

Yeah, that's, that's, yeah, that's. That's ashtray money, bro.

[C]

That people aren't gonna play.

[A]

I know, that's, that's when you have your chance. It's like, I know you want to win 1.2 billion, but guess what? Not that many people are going to be playing the. The 15, 30 million powerballs up to 56 mega millions. 44. That's the time to get in. You play your numbers. Let's go. We're gonna do a little Mega Millions right now. I'm gonna do two dollar, quick, pick, place, order, confirm, done. I will probably win $44 million. That's probably gonna happen right now. Everything right there on your phone. You don't have to get up, you don't have to leave your house, you don't have to go out in person. You don't have to wait online. They also have scratch tickets now if you want. If you got that itch to do your scratch tickets, they've got that available on your phone. So you don't have to go there, you don't have a quarter. You don't have to get that weird, like, gray stuff all over you. That weird, like, it's like eraser markings almost all on your phone. And you get, you. You put money in your account. You can pay easy. You could take it right out if somehow you win. Imagine if you were just like, you check your account. It's like, draft. It says, I have $44 million.

[C]

Withdraw.

[A]

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[B]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800- gambler. New York Call 877-8-HOPE NY or text Hopeny. 18 or older, 19 plus in Nebraska, 21 plus in Arizona. Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time of drawings. Terms jackpocket.com tos free-ticket-promo how are you, Ari? I'm great. How are you?

[A]

Good, man. Yeah, you're always on this side.

[B]

Yeah, it's very different. Chairs too, huh? No, the.

[A]

You usually sit on the couch.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Couch there, usually. Yeah.

[A]

Freaking me out. You're not usually this close to me. I usually usually have some sort of distance. Whatever you're gonna do to me, like, don't put some on me. Don't touch me. Don't poke me.

[B]

Dude, I saw somebody take a dump in a. In a toilet and throw it at the crowd.

[C]

What?

[B]

At the box and burlesque show.

[C]

Oh, at the box.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they had the toilet on the stage.

[B]

I wheeled it. Usually. Well, that's.

[A]

That's to do. Usually they just. In the box.

[C]

Wait, they threw the feces of the crowd?

[A]

Yeah, See?

[B]

Come on. I was upstairs and I was. Oh. And then I was like, curtain, curtain. I'm not getting it. I can see through it. I don't need to see every moment on this one.

[A]

That place, man. Like, we gotta have a line.

[C]

You can't throw at people.

[A]

You want to throw at yourself. You want to stab yourself in the dick. You want to poop on stage, you want to bleed, all that. You kind of throw at someone who has not signed up for throwing.

[C]

I guess when you go home, though, you're like, you go to the box for a story, bro. You go.

[A]

No, you go to the zoo, right?

[C]

You're like, yeah, the monkeys are throwing at us.

[B]

Monkeys.

[C]

It can hit you if they. If they got a good arm.

[A]

Aren't you usually behind the glass?

[C]

I don't know. I was thinking cage.

[B]

Cage monkeys can throw a piss on you. That's this common thing.

[C]

Jerk off.

[B]

Videos of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was all mollied out and I cracked a Tooth grinding too hard. No way. I was like, what the. It's okay in there on this side. It's up and down cracked. Yeah.

[A]

Holy.

[C]

I. Oh, God.

[B]

Like, what I looked at, I kept thinking it was food. And it's like, no, you just.

[C]

He's just scratching the nerves doing that.

[B]

You know, like, grinding.

[C]

Oh, I know. The grind. Yeah.

[B]

And then it just like.

[A]

Oh, that snap.

[C]

I actually don't know how I never grinded my teeth off. Like on Adderall. Adderall used to make me grind like a.

[B]

There a few drugs. They're grindy drugs.

[A]

What is that? What is that?

[B]

What is that?

[C]

I don't know in particular. Would you.

[B]

That's why people use. Have pacifiers they didn't do.

[A]

Remember that era being like, weirdo.

[B]

Like, yeah, gum. Something you got to do. But sometimes I get like. Like cuts on my gums from, like, sucking it in too much.

[C]

Dude. I had a kid, so I played baseball my freshman year of college. And our catcher on our team still wore braces. And this was like. We. We all dipped and stuff. Obviously, we played baseball. And our catcher used to go like this. Before we put a dip in. He would go like this and just.

[B]

To scratch, to get it in there.

[C]

To get blood, to. To cut himself. And then he would put a lip in and he. He would say, like. Because there's. I don't know. There were always rumors about fiberglass and chewing tobacco to cut your lip open to get.

[A]

I don't think that's a rumor. I think it's.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, I've never seen it officially. I've heard it enough that it probably is true, but he was like, yeah, it's a little extra fiberglass. Like, you're a.

[B]

There's a video. I don't remember if it was John Crook or Lenny Dykstra. They probably played together right around that time. But one of them slid head first into first to beat out a. To beat out a throw, which is never smart. But probably once in a while, cut himself up completely. And you see him bleeding out of the mouth on one side. And then he goes and takes all dip out, puts in the other and goes.

[A]

Lenny used to chew, man.

[B]

Dude.

[C]

We ever heard the story about when Lenny Extra showed up the bar stool?

[B]

No.

[C]

He got. Dude, this is.

[A]

This was sad. This was actually, like.

[C]

It was really sad. It was the old office.

[A]

It was a little funny too, though.

[C]

The, like, the elevator opens up into the office kind of deal.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I remember that one.

[C]

And we were sitting there, like, the Whole. At the time, it's probably like 30, 40 people. And there's just this old guy walks in, in the middle of them doing the rundown. And everyone's kind of staring like, who the is this? And he's like, I'm talking. I talked to El President Day. He DM me, told me to come by the office. And Dave was like, I don't know. Who are you, man? He's like, I'm Lenny Dykstra. He's like, I haven't talked to Lenny Dykstra. And it was basically like some stooly trolled Lenny Dykstra and got him to show up to hq.

[B]

Meanwhile, you should talk to him.

[C]

Yeah, well, this is also.

[B]

We would. Yeah, we didn't.

[A]

So, yeah, somebody made like at, you know, Dave Portnoy instead of at Stool Presidente, whatever his name was.

[B]

What a win for that guy.

[A]

Yeah, like. Like prank to perfection, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But Lenny. Lenny is not the most lucid of fellas these days, and certainly not back then because he does have like, stories for days. He's kind of like, like what? Barcelona's done very well with the Grudens. And. And like Dion, like, you know, higher ex athletes. Like, yeah, he. He is just too far gone to do that.

[C]

You know who his. His son. I'm Pat's. Check this on me. I believe his son is married to.

[B]

Jamie Lynn Siegler Patrick Dykstra.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, I made that up.

[C]

No, it's. It's Cutter.

[A]

Yeah, I was gonna. I did know who cut her because when I lived in Philly, it was when Dexter was there and like, he was.

[B]

Damn, she's not bad, dude, she's so pretty.

[A]

She's. She's. I mean, she.

[B]

Oh, that's Jamie Lynn. The one on the right one Further right of that.

[A]

No, they're all Jamie Lynn.

[B]

Yeah, that one. No, that one right there next to the right of the one you just went to before. Yeah, that. No, no, idiot. Right, right of that your mouse? Yeah, that one. Look at those titties. I mean. Wait, you're making me work for it. I've not. They're in Austin.

[A]

I guess she is. I usually, you know, don't play the look alike game because it can always offend somebody, but I feel like it's pretty safe. When you say Marisa Tomei. I feel like her and Marissa.

[B]

Can you zoom in on quadrant G5Z in you know which quadrant I'm talking about? Just zoom that in.

[A]

Their show is kind of funny though, cuz Rob is like, you know, Rob's like one of us. He's just kind of like, he's actually zooming in.

[B]

Wow, look at that.

[A]

Rob is just like, kind of, you know, like a regular guy, like a scumbag, you know, and she's so like, nice and like, you know, she's just like, you did what? And like, I can't believe you said that. And he's just like, yeah, whatever.

[B]

Your father was a murderer. Admit it.

[A]

I do. What I really like about Rob is that he's just like, I was such a shitty actor and just caught a wave and like, that's that.

[B]

It's so funny. The child kids go into another era while they're acting.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The kid from like, who's the Boss? All these people they hired for their cuteness. I don't know. And then they lasted 10 years. And I, like, now you're a 16 year old with no chops. Weird awkward phase you replace.

[A]

You know what it is, though, I think if you make it past that, you're like a legend. You're like, it's like Timothy Shalam type. Like you're going to go on to be.

[B]

What was he?

[A]

I. I don't know. I mean, he's not a child actor, but I feel like he was young.

[B]

God, that guy. Gorgeous.

[C]

He was definitely young and interstellar.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, he was. The kid. He was playing the kid. He was not. I wouldn't call him like a child star, but he was who then became like, you know, he's the.

[B]

He was definitely the man. Did you ever see him impressing McAfee with his knowledge on Game Day?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, dude.

[C]

Did you see SNL the other night?

[B]

No. Is he on it?

[C]

He hosted it and he was a musical guest.

[A]

I hate Bob Dylan, to be honest, but he nails Bob Dylan.

[C]

He smoked. I don't even really know Bob Dylan now because. And. And I think even the third song was the only one. He kind of did like Dylan esque, but like, he was so funny.

[B]

He sings normally. He's a musician.

[C]

Not until this movie, but like now he is.

[A]

I definitely know, like when he was like a kid, he used to make like videos. That's what's also funny is he grew up like in the Internet era, so he has like videos of him being like trying to be like a white rapper and doing like silly dumb like that. And then it's also like, yes, but I'm also the most talented guy in the world.

[B]

Bo Burnham. Yeah. Grew up in the Internet. Yeah. Actually I'm good though.

[A]

Funny.

[C]

Brought up Bo Burnham. I haven't talked about him in a while. I showed my dad Country Song this weekend. The parody he has.

[B]

He's one of the most underrated comedic guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Just because he doesn't do, like, straight stand up or something. I don't know.

[A]

I feel like he's pretty praised, though. I wouldn't say underrated, would you?

[B]

It's just like, I don't think people quite give it up for him enough. They don't really mention him. He is.

[C]

I. I can see him being someone you hate.

[B]

Yeah. There was a time when Stand up hated him because he was him. Reggie Watts. There was a few guys who were like, not exactly traditional.

[A]

Stand Up. So gay with that.

[B]

I know.

[A]

It wasn't me.

[B]

It wasn't me. People got mad because, like, why. And it's almost like, guys, I told them all, both of these guys are going to be in clubs for like six months. And then I'm moving on a giant stop. Yeah. It's a stopover gig to way bigger stuff. Don't worry about this. With these genres and. And like, definitions of what it. It's like, who gives a. The guy's funny.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And unique and interesting.

[A]

It's like music to me. It's like, you know, if you were. Oh, yeah, you're a rapper complaining about country, complaining about opera. It's like there's just different ways to entertain people.

[B]

Like. Like Beyonce. Like, that's not straight country. Like, who cares? This song good?

[A]

Do people like it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not even if it's good. I don't think it's good. But is there a huge market that people do think it's good then?

[C]

I actually. I actually. With Cowboy Carter, I did like that. I didn't like her last one, Renaissance, but I thought Cowboy Car, Part of us.

[B]

I was in. Yeah. The. What's that name of that one song he has? Art is Dead. So good.

[C]

Yeah. Artist Dead's awesome.

[B]

Whoa. I was in Pittsburgh. We're at some speakeasy, like, like dingy, like, neighborhood drinking club. And one of the guys there was from Kentucky or something from, like the sticks. And he. Something came on, like corn. He was like, yeah. And everyone started making fun of him. He goes, I don't care. This speaks to me and my whole. My whole crew grow.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[A]

Corn was funny. Corn. Corn was always, like, smack in the middle of. It would be like. Like TRL would be like 9 straight boy band songs. And then corn.

[C]

And then.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. They were great, man.

[C]

What kind of music.

[B]

Did you listen to white boy music? Top 40 for a while, then straight to like art, whatever Arcade Fire genre is and like Green Day and, and Smashing Pumpkins came. I was like oh, I'm about to go to a new spot.

[A]

Is that Bill birthing a bit?

[B]

I think so but I don't know.

[C]

I, I can't believe you think it's.

[A]

Not I, I, I, I mean did you watch it?

[C]

I want that's why I, it's funny.

[A]

But when you said like that's funny I was like oh you know that.

[B]

That kind of made up.

[C]

And then also I was saying that I, it's so funny.

[A]

Bill does that kind of, that's why.

[B]

I could see through it. He's not doing it well.

[A]

But I think if you, if you watch just that it, it looks pretty real.

[C]

See I did I, I'm with Larry. I thought it was like when you sent it I, I was so deciding on what to say backs I didn't want to like over like over say so I was like hahaha, that's pretty good. And I meant like for some that's a pretty good bet.

[B]

Someone famous to have a half brother is crazy for someone famous to have a half brother's also famous is look through that. But anytime you have like an Andrew Huberman going I'm seeing someone start a new forest fire. Like oh yeah, you saw it. Celebrity. That's right. The only person that's wrong.

[C]

Yeah yeah but the like Howie Mandel also does that. He did it with Dana White last year.

[A]

That's what I also forgot like oh yeah once, once people pointed that out. But I just, I don't know, I.

[B]

Maybe I mean, I mean Bill is.

[A]

And also Billy Corgan is a look.

[B]

At Billy Corgan's shirt. What I even noticed that before.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

It's an AEW shirt.

[A]

Yeah, he owns, he owns NWA I know but he's a promoter right now.

[B]

Wearing a wrestling shirt.

[A]

I thought it was good though. I thought the way they did it was, I didn't think if it wasn't an unbelievable story, let's say it was something that wasn't as far fetched as two guys named Bill of the same brother or not. I thought it felt like Bill being like his usual like I'm angry at yourself.

[C]

I, I, I, I, maybe it's because I knew how he does this stuff but like I wasn't, I didn't think for a second it was real.

[B]

It's funny when you know something's fake and you tell somebody and they're like, no. Because they so want to believe it's real.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well.

[A]

Well, I mean, it is. It's. It's funny watching different platforms too. It's like one. One platform totally bought it. Another platform thought it was fake. Instagram was like, you put up a poll. It was like 50 50. But it really. I think it anchor buys. Everybody's on who shows it to you, how you see it presented to you.

[B]

There's a video of a lady or trans or non binary lady getting thrown out of a seat on a plane because she has to say if she's a miss or mister she's like, what this crazy? You're asking me this? And he's like, if you don't say who you are, I can't leave you in the seat. She's like, that's ridiculous. What are you talking about? And like, ma'am or sir, I. I gotta. I got people like, this is the problem with the woke left now that she refused to say or whatever. Or like the right wing is going this way. And it's like it's a plane. I've seen in 30 fake videos.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a rental plane.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

None of these guys are wearing actual outfits. It's this.

[C]

I basically. I assume.

[B]

And it's like, it's. It's so fake.

[C]

I just assume everything I see on the Internet is fake. I don't. I don't believe.

[A]

The problem is there's just so much money. I was watching a video today about somebody who made a fake AI influencer. Just like made a hot chick. Wow. And allegedly supposedly is making 50 grand, like a month. That's probably fake too. But there is just so much money to be made by making dumb fake that people fall for that. It's like a ton of people are gonna do it. So it's awful because it's like someone's like, just rent a plane studio and we're gonna go viral and we're gonna.

[B]

Make 30 of them. One will take off. We'll make money. That. Or just repurpose Shane Gill's videos.

[A]

Repurposing is crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All you got to do is just take someone else's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That. That they've got to figure out a way to stop that because that is just.

[B]

Yeah. Just like, look what so and so popular did. All the Rogan reaction videos.

[A]

All that. I mean, comedy. You guys get raped.

[B]

So funny time. Yeah. Before we were like, please mention us. And now like, all right.

[A]

Right now you guys all made Money. Once. Once you all make money, then it's like, well, that's mine now.

[C]

Yeah, we were talking about music earlier. America's Sweetheart, Ari Shafir on Netflix. Now. Very, very funny name.

[B]

My clothes are after you, Yanni Vital.

[C]

We're going to get to that. Okay, but did you actually discover Kanye after he became antisemitic?

[B]

I went, I mean, I know who he was, but yeah, I got way into him after that. Christine Okerson called me and she goes, hey, I know this is all popping off right now, but have you heard Black Skinhead? It's really good. And then I listened to it. I was in a. I was on a treadmill Rand. Not very often happens in a hotel. And I was like, oh, my God. I never understood the word slaps before. And then I started listening more, asking people about him, and they're like, have you heard his gospel album? Like, no. And it's like, he's redoing the gospel album. It's just like, wow, he's amazing, dude.

[C]

When you got. When you started referencing the gospel album, I was like, oh, he's deep.

[B]

Yeah, I got way into him. I. I missed after, like, Jesus Walks. I just lost him. I knew a couple songs, like, the.

[A]

Complete polar opposite of 99 of the population. Everyone did the opposite.

[C]

That makes sense.

[A]

Everyone was like, that version.

[B]

Yeah. They say he's crazy, but I'm like, obviously, but who cares? What are you talking about?

[C]

I mean, it's a grind. I want to say your whole bit, but it's a great point. Like, why he's a generational artist. Why do we expect.

[B]

Why are we holding to some other standard? Yeah, it's like Van Gogh.

[C]

I was a big Kanye guy, and then I kind of went the opposite way. You once. He was anti Semitic. I was like, I'm probably gonna step.

[A]

Away from Kanye a little bit.

[B]

Interesting. Well, you gotta listen quietly. Like, you listen to Kanye. Like, is that who it is?

[A]

He won. He won an award for villain of the year.

[B]

Nma. What's nma? I've said it's a magazine. Right.

[C]

You know what? That's on Google. We talking about, you know, like, people.

[A]

That's what we're gonna list for his awards.

[C]

Has, like 40 Grammys. He won enemies. Villain of the year 2010.

[A]

10. By the way, that said, like, that's not even his number one.

[C]

Like, on his top Google search, it says awards Villain of the Year.

[A]

That's probably Kanye's one number one award.

[C]

He's won Grammys like, Like a lot of Them.

[B]

Yeah. That is crazy that.

[A]

That was the year you did the Taylor thing, though.

[B]

That's why. So I tried to get Black Skinhead for the closing song, and I was like, this will be good. Because I actually op. I once. Christine told me that I just like that whole tour for this. For this hour, I like, open. I went out to that song because it's so good. And so I go out with it. I was like, let me try to get this. And I asked. I was like, there's no way I'm gonna be able to license this high level of song. So maybe I'll go through Shane or Rogan, who's known him. Rogan is like, I text him. That's a different number. He changed his number. I'm like, story tracks, black guy. Shane was like, I don't have his number either. And if I get it, it's just gonna invite just a shitload of drama into my world. I'm like, fair, fair, fair. So then I just had my people reach out to his people, like, can we get. You have this whole big, long bit about how really legitimately amazing Kanye west is and how people have done him wrong. I didn't even. I didn't. I had this whole long thing about fucking Kim Kardashian, how I would never stop fucking her. Her pussy's life and everything like that. That didn't even make it. I cut that out for time.

[C]

Poor goddamn.

[B]

That's where he would have been like, no, fuck, let me see the bit in the way. But I cut that out, and I was like, can we use this thing? And they go, first of all, I hope goddamn. Well, you're not referring to him as Kanye. Cause he's. Yay. I'm like, I. Also. It was Twitter. It's not that, but it was like, all right, it's over.

[A]

So that's over. Yeah, I'm. I'm. I'm happy you got a response.

[B]

Yeah, it was.

[A]

Even for one second, they entertain the idea.

[B]

The whole organization is nuts. That's why he's that talented.

[C]

The. I. I have a question about the.

[B]

Special that might be dumb sweeter on Netflix right now. Yeah.

[A]

Game time. The official ticketing partner of Barstool Sports had a great experience with my kids at the Knicks game. Feidelberg's been going to Broadway. Ari Shafir's on the show. If you want to go see him or any of your standups. Any comedy shows. Nate Bargazi, Shane Gillis, all those people moving major tickets.

[C]

Lakers at Knicks, Golden Knights at Rangers. This is all this weekend, all available.

[A]

On game time, especially monster jam.

[C]

That's February 1st.

[A]

One of my dad friends took his kid to that the other day. And right now, easier than ever with Game Time. With Game Time picks, you open up the app, you click GT Picks at the top. Game Time picks, and it cuts out all of the outliers. All of those tickets, you know, there's thousands available on the secondary market and some of them are way too expensive or some of them are nosebleed seats. That sucks. Game Time knows the type of tickets you're looking for, and it feeds you all of the available seats at the right price in the right sections. So it makes the process even easier so you don't have to waste any time sifting through thousands of tickets.

[C]

So go get Monster Jam, Lakers, Knicks.

[A]

Rangers, Golden Knights, any comedy, any Broadway, any concerts. All of it. At game time. Use that GT Picks and use promo code KFC to score great deals with the new Game Time picks. What time is it?

[B]

Game time who?

[A]

All right, this is it. The super bowl is upon us. Patrick Mahomes is going to win another one.

[C]

Let's go, Red Kingdom.

[A]

I oddly found myself rooting for them.

[C]

I was, I was indifferent, like in a good indifferent way. I'm like, I don't really care who it is.

[A]

I was the same way. And I was like, I want Josh Allen to win. I like Bill's Mafia. But the amount of discrediting that people are doing to the Chiefs pisses me off. And, and listen.

[C]

Oh, oh, does it? Does, does discrediting a great dynasty.

[A]

No. But yes, you have that, you have that argument with the Patriots. But I said specifically, I hate the Patriots. I hate the Yankees. I always acknowledge I hate them because they are awesome.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If you.

[A]

It is pretty crazy how there are questionable calls every game. It's every game. But you know, they win for a reason, man. It's not just the refs. It's not just luck. At some point when you are 15 and 2 on the regular season and going back for a three peat and four and five years, it's not like just because of the refs. It's.

[C]

It, it's, it's so I don't watch enough Chiefs games to really get worked up about it. Like, you know, I, I watch the Monday night game, the Thursday night game, Sunday night game, everything else, I'm kind of like watching the Pats or it's on.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So I don't like, I'm not like tuned in, locked in enough to have Like a real opinion. But when I hear people talk about it, I just hear deflate. I hear spy.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Brady gets all the calls. I'm like, no. He's like, yes, they do. Because. But they all. No, they don't. You know what I mean? Like, that didn't make any sense.

[A]

I'm sure if you go like game by game, call by call, it's probably 50, 50 with the Chiefs, it feels like a little bit higher. You probably get a couple breaks. But they're also that team that like makes those things happen or, you know, and even like the drops pass is like, because Spagnolis sent this amazing blitz. Everyone's scrambling. It's like, yeah, it hit his hand, but maybe he dropped it because he was like, oh. And you know, like at some point, all of these things are a product of being the best team.

[C]

Exactly. That was my. Although you know what? This is a little, little sports talk here during the DraftKings ad. Ready? My buddy was texting me yesterday morning, not about the Chiefs. He's a Pats fan and he was telling me that he's in a. He's got his group chat all riled up because he's been saying that Jaden Daniels is just Mac Jones 2.0. And he's like, he's like, I don't really believe it. But yeah, the stats are actually shocking. Jaden Daniels, 69% completion percentage. Mac Jones, 67.6. Jane Daniels, 3568 yards. Mac Jones, 3801 average pass, 7.4 for Daniel. 7.3 from Mac Jones. Touchdowns, 25 for Jaden Daniels. 22 for Mac Jones. Interceptions, 9 for Jaden Daniels, 13 for Mac Jones. They're like, they're not the same.

[A]

Yeah, one is being anointed. The next, Patrick Mahomes.

[C]

The others, yeah, that's backing up.

[A]

That's a great one, dude. So no matter who you're betting on to hoist that Lombardi trophy, DraftKings has got you covered. You can bet all the props, all the, all the touchdowns, anything you you want. DraftKings has got you covered. And right now you can bet $5 to get 200 in bonus bets instantly. It's your last chance of the year to bet on touchdowns and to bet on football. Do not miss out. Use promo code KFC at DraftKings Sportsbook today. Five dollar bet. Get 200 in bonus bets. Only on DraftKings Sportsbook. The crown is yours.

[C]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER in New York. Call 8-77- Text Hopeny 467-369 in Connecticut. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org Please play responsibly on behalf of Boot Hill Casino and resort in Kansas, 21 and over. Age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Boyd. In Ontario, new customers only. Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng. Are you more physical than you used to be?

[B]

I may be. Somebody said, you're really physical. I'm like, when did that happen?

[C]

I. I. Mr. Dane Cook over here.

[B]

I think I might be really physical.

[C]

You were. You were very physical in this. I loved it. But I. I was trying to. I hadn't seen Drew in a while, and I was like, I don't remember him being this physical in Jew. But you're like Jew.

[A]

You kind of were. I mean, it was very.

[B]

I'm still moving around a little bit. I'm trying to. I'm trying to remember. Hiding behind candles and stuff. I don't know. I don't know what I was. Somebody mentioned that once and I was like, no, Yeah, I guess so. I'm not trying to be you.

[C]

I. I was. I actually tool. At one point, I. I started being like, he's gotta be. He might be doing on purpose this time.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. What.

[A]

You didn't change anything? Like you didn't make a conscious decision?

[B]

No, no, it wasn't like that. Yeah. Not a dumb question, but someone has said it. And I was like, I guess so.

[C]

I'm glad someone else has said it too. That makes me feel much better.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you feel like we were saying.

[B]

It'S almost dance a lot in this?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A lot of Molly joke. Damn, my mouth still hurts.

[A]

So you just run around. You're still doing Molly?

[B]

It was pre pandemic Molly. I found it in the freezer. It was pre pandemic Molly. I saw. I was. We know those do tubes. It was like a three packer. And I was like, looking for mushrooms. And I was like, wait, oh, what's it? I was like, it's Mandy on it. I was like, what. What phase was I going through my life? I was referring to it as Mandy. And then I opened it up and it was like two tabs. Like, you know the. The pressed powder that's.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You could empty out that kind of got burnt with. And I'm like, this. Is that two tabs? I was like, oh, we gotta do these Soon. And I went to the box and did it was perfect environment for it because you got to be up late to go there. It lets out at 3:30. So like you got to be up late. That'll help solo, right?

[A]

You were with people?

[B]

No, I was. Yeah. I found a chick to go with. Yeah, you got to show up in style at that place. I wore a suit. Did you? Yeah.

[A]

We're a handmade with your broken teeth girl on your arm. What a night.

[C]

Dude, the last time I took. I think it was the last time I took Molly. But what it was, I, I was moving and I was I to move. No, I didn't. Well, I didn't really take it to move.

[A]

He just took floor drugs.

[C]

We were, we were moving the couch and we lifted up the cushions before you move it. And I just saw uphill and it was like 7am in my room.

[B]

You knew what it was?

[C]

No.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

It was like 7am My roommate's dad was coming to help us move and we were just sitting there staring at it and he's like, take it, take it. I was like fine.

[B]

All I needed was one voice saying compilation roulette.

[C]

And then, and then like next thing I knew it was like 10 hours later I was driving a U haul down Stur Drive, which is not where you can be driving to U Haul in Boston.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, it's tiny, right?

[C]

Yeah, I like somehow hit it perfectly. Where there was another exit before there was a, a bridge like in Star Drive in Boston. There's like a lot of bridges that are like 12ft or something really short and basically every August someone will crash a U haul into it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And I, I, we were on the, we were on Star. He was like, you got to get off. Like I can't get off until we have a exit, dude. But I think, I think moving on.

[A]

Molly is out of all the things in the world to do on Molly, it might sincerely be the last thing. I mean moving is just the one in the world.

[B]

So it's also, it's the last thing. Every time you see anything that's memorable, you're like, oh yeah, keep that. What a fun ticket that was. I went to a movie with my friend. I got to call him.

[C]

It ended up honestly being it was.

[A]

I guess it makes it better.

[C]

I woke up really hungover. It was 7am yeah, it gave me a lot of energy probably.

[B]

Oh, you woke up to get the move go. Oh, that will get you started like the night before.

[C]

The night before it was Bud Light. Are you up for it. So we had to do, like, a baral ad where like, we had a party bus and we were driving around Boston, walking into bars, being like, yo, you want a Bud Light? You up for it? And they're like, what are we doing? Like, you just gotta get on the bus and find out.

[B]

That's fun.

[C]

And we had a sweet. We had a suite at. I think it was Justin Timberlake and Jay Z did a concert at Fenway. So we had a suite at Fenway that we're taking everyone to, but we got destroyed and I had to move the next morning. Luckily, Molly saved it.

[B]

Wow, what a good. You're up for. I got some drugs at a nightclub in Berlin and some guy was like, you want this? And I was like, what is. He goes, I actually don't know. Somebody gave me like 12 of them. I just bought them. And I was like. And he was like, take it. And I was like, all right. And, man, I was having such a blast. Then I saw him later. I was dancing. I never danced except when I'm on performance enhancing drugs. I was just going nuts by myself. And I saw. I was like, dude, Molly. He goes, okay, good to know.

[C]

Molly.

[A]

Dude, speaking of Timberlake, did you see that clip of him performing with the NSYNC guys in the crowd? No, I thought this was crazy. He was like, on stage, like an arena or whatever, and lance Bass and J.C. and. And Joey, and they were just there and. And Timberlake's, like, dancing and. And he sees them and he's like, texted me, like, while he's singing and dancing. I just thought, that's crazy. That would be weird. No.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Like, if we, like, split up and.

[B]

Yeah, let's go. Like, aren't we still friends?

[A]

I just, like, went to your comedy show and, like, didn't say anything. Like, I didn't even say, like, I hit you up for tickets or whatever. I was just like, hey, man. Like, you're in my city or I'm in your city. Like, I'm gonna. I'll be at your show tonight.

[B]

And they were.

[C]

I actually.

[A]

He sees them. He's like, what the fuck, dude? Why don't you fucking text me now?

[C]

It's awkward you saying it like that. I intentionally don't tell people I'm going, like, I've seen you. I've never told you.

[A]

I kind of agree with that. But then. But you can't. They're like, front row.

[B]

Front row. Yeah.

[A]

It's like, if you want to sneak in and sneak out, I do understand that. But they're, like, in the spot where there's.

[B]

This is.

[A]

You don't even see it. Like, when you zoom out, they're like, right there. They're like, right there. There was like, 100 chance. Maybe this whole thing's fake. But it was like, you're gun. Yeah, look at that. They're like, right there.

[B]

Yeah, I've seen.

[C]

I like, I've seen you like five times. I never told you.

[B]

Just go like, hours before me because.

[C]

I'm not going to ask you for tickets. And then, like, I know you're doing stuff and you're like, you know, on the low.

[B]

Asking for tickets is the cheapest thing in comedy. It's no skin off our back.

[A]

Oh, you mean, like, it's okay to do.

[B]

It's free for us.

[A]

Oh, I thought you meant, like, it's cheap for people to ask.

[B]

No, I mean, if I. If I don't know you. If it's like, hey, a friend's friend wants this. Like, you're making me send a text and what's his name? And then, sure. But also, like, I'll do it. My friends, my. Hey, my sister wants to go see. Sure, no problem.

[C]

Really?

[A]

See, I always think, like, if I'm.

[B]

Good friends with him, I know you enough. It's fine. It's just like, yeah, save two tickets.

[A]

I think that. But we're sold out.

[B]

I'm like, get him a city. Someone will know show. Can you just get them a cities?

[A]

Yeah, you're probably.

[B]

I might be like, I got to run right after my spots. My next spot, if it's in town.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm like, I can't stay. But sure.

[A]

I think you're probably the minority, though.

[B]

I am minority.

[C]

Look at this profile, baby.

[A]

I think. Who do you think? Who do you think?

[B]

What? Got a bigger nose. Yeah. Yoni Feidelberg. That guy sucks. I changed the first thing of it, too. I called him just like Shlomo at first. And I was like. I was like, where? And somebody's like, do you know Fidelbach's a Feidelberg? I was like, oh, maybe I did. And I changed the first name to Yoni, short for John Johnny.

[C]

Well, you know, because I. I the. I don't. I don't know if you did it intentionally. Like, it's not right before the. The final closing bit with Heidelberg, but it's. But no, no but like, kind of right before the closer.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You're talking about your man pawn. So you might subconsciously just give us.

[A]

Like, 20 of the whole.

[B]

Yeah, no, I made final book shorts. I. But the first title of the special was gonna be fun.

[A]

Right?

[B]

I was legit. I had it as my title for a while. Feidelberg, because I thought it'd be, like, Nanette, where I said, what does that mean? I'm like, you'll know when you get to the closer. And then Becky, I was like, that's two jewy things in a row. So last minute, I changed it.

[C]

Close.

[B]

Soccer. Bad breath, one under. That's my birthday. And then my release date. But of the year, Belton was liberated. He didn't make it.

[C]

I was telling friends about it, and I was like, you gotta watch Ari's new special. Like, the closing bits about, like, how Fidalberg sucks. I was like, it's really funny. And my friends were like, is it funny, John? And I was like, yeah, no, like, Ari and I are friends. Like, he. He's doing it, like, kind of like he's joking.

[B]

It's an ancestor. Fidelberg.

[C]

And they're like, are you sure he's doing.

[A]

Because he's joking.

[B]

You're saying he says, you suck.

[C]

I was like, I guess there's a chance. Ari's like, this guy can't take a hint.

[B]

Now that you say it, maybe he was fucking with me.

[A]

That would be unbelievable. Behind the scenes, everyone was like, that dude from barstool sucks, and we can't.

[C]

Get rid of him.

[A]

Let's lay it on as thick as humanly possible.

[B]

Wears purple.

[C]

He dresses like an aunt.

[A]

I love. Also Veon. Like. Like complaining that.

[B]

Or.

[C]

Or.

[A]

Or pointing out that stuff that Ari does is Jewy. Like, yeah, yeah, no kidding, man. Was there any feeling. We were saying that Jew was so good and so you. And kind of in a weird way, very. Felt like a culmination, sort of.

[B]

But yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So far from your end of your career, was there any feeling of, like, it's gonna be hard to top that? Or, like, I was saying, maybe you should have just done ju2, ju3, ju4. Have the candles every time. And just, like, it was so good and so perfect that it's hard to. Hard to get away from it.

[B]

Yeah. 100. I was like, what am I gonna do? I actually asked this guy. I got in touch with this guy, Ragnar Kurjarlson. He made artist. Me and Adrian just randomly saw a piece. We're looking for a Yayo Kusama piece, and then we wander to this, and it was, like, blown away by this video art piece. Like, blown away, like, crying. And then looked it up later. And it was like, it was named as the best piece of art of like in like a 10 year period. I was like, oh, I'd never heard of it. Icelandic. So my friend, the whole Icelandic art scene, music, movies, stand up art, it's all sponsored by the government. It's all friends with each other. So small. He goes, I know that guy. And he's doing another exhibit at the Met. Do you want to go? I was like, yeah, I want to go. Didn't meet him or anything. Then he randomly reached out to me about someone else.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. Ariel.

[A]

About it or anything.

[B]

No, I did not. No way.

[A]

Totally coincidental.

[B]

Yeah. And I asked him and I was like, hey man. So this thing, the visitors was crazy. I said, I saw it. I loved it so much. I mean it spoke to me. I was like, did you have it? I was working on this special. I was like, did you have any issues with like any feelings of like I'll never do anything that good again? And he was like, yeah, yeah, for sure. I knew I nailed it. I didn't know what. I don't know if I'm gonna hit it.

[A]

It's like a blessing and a curse to nail it, but then you have to deal with the fact that you nailed it.

[B]

I'm like, I have to follow this up. Even the set design. I was like, my director reached out. I was like, what do you want to do? I'm like, I mean, all eyes are on us.

[A]

800 candles.

[B]

Like, yeah. Crazy abortions cost two times at 425 each. So kids would have cost a lot more. So with that savings, put it into 85, 000 worth of plants.

[C]

85 grand.

[B]

I said, dude, we either got to do something better or just a blank white screen.

[A]

Yeah, you gotta go one way.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So yeah, 100. That's a good question.

[A]

Yeah, that's. I mean it's like it's a burden to. To raise the bar on yourself kind of.

[B]

Yeah. I was gonna say you want to.

[A]

Do it, but once you do do it, it's like, it's kind of like having a good season too. Like in sports, it's like, well, people expected. It's like I gotta hit 40 a year every year now or I'm gonna be considered, you know, less than I.

[B]

Was just gonna do. One year of roids contract.

[A]

There's a dude on the Mets.

[B]

Peter.

[A]

You watch baseball? Yeah, yeah. Pete Alonso, like he, he. His rookie year, he had 53 home runs. It was the juice ball year. But he set the record had more home runs than Aaron Judge and has just never got back there. And I think it really with him, like he's had good seasons, 35, 40 home runs, whatever. But like he just. That's crazy.

[B]

Who doesn't have home runs and stats? That's crazy.

[A]

That's so went from, you know, 53 to home runs.

[B]

53, well, that was okay, but you.

[A]

Know, 37, 40, 46, 34, those are good years. Those are all, you know, 34 is, you know, you're talking 20 homers less than your rookie. That's a problem.

[B]

But 40 he got back there. But yeah, 46 percentage was way lower.

[A]

But you know, so he comes up, he has 53 home runs. He is the rookie record. And Boris or not at that time, he didn't have Boris. But everyone's in his ear, you're going to be a 300 million dollar man. 200 million minimum, you know, and then he just starts to decline, decline, decline. Now he's a free agent. He turned down 158 over 7 somewhere in like the 20, 22 range.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And there's like no market for him now. And it's, it's just got to be the most, the biggest mind in the world.

[B]

217. And in 2023, that's. That doesn't cut it anymore.

[A]

And it's like he, you know, he's good, but like the, you know, the Mets are like, here's like 70 million over three and he's holding out and it's just like. But you know, then it's like shift your brain, bro. So you're gonna get $70 million, but when you think you're winning at 300 and you thought you were going to be a hall of Famer and all this go up your rookie year, like, this shit's easy.

[B]

I would like to see a Mount Rushmore of turning down contracts like the Kaepernick. Kaepernick pulling out of that last year deal because he can test the market. Never played another game.

[A]

That was not a good idea.

[C]

Kaepernick, who is the. Dennis. Dennis Schroeder. Yep. That's exactly what I was thinking.

[A]

This one's four years, 84 million. He got 5 million bucks. Dude. That kind of would like haunt me for the.

[B]

Why didn't you get anything? You get injured or something?

[A]

He just didn't play well. You just didn't play well.

[C]

I think, I think it was the Celtics he went to.

[B]

Right? I love the people who's like, always bet on yourself. Like, no, no, but for real, like.

[A]

Like you need an agent or family or friends or whatever to be like, bro. Like, you've been declining every year. Like you probably so you were never.

[B]

A big name to start with. So this is all. But like, Pippin took a long contract when he signed before the rookie contracts were set. And he goes, I'm playing in like Division 2. I'm not a known guy. I want to make sure my family's provided for. I might get injured. And they did. Then he became a top 50 of all time guy. And he goes, I'm being underpaid. Which is true. But like, you took the deal. You're fucking female soccer.

[A]

You get the financial stability when you are a little bit risky.

[B]

I'd rather be in that second category than the Schrader category.

[A]

Totally.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Because at the end of the day, you are still talking about like, yeah, I made a shitload 0.01% money.

[C]

Evan Longoria had that. Yeah, he was one of the successful.

[A]

Gave up like five or six years of, of. Of like arbitration and all that for. For a big.

[C]

It was like, I think it was like 10 years, 80 million.

[B]

Everything in Southern California. Everything.

[A]

Are you just saying this or you know this?

[B]

I know this. I am Eskimo brothers with Evan Longoria probably more than I know at least once. I know pro Evan Longoria slings. I would love. I love.

[A]

There's. There's another world where ever Longoria is going. Ari Shafir every day in Southern Florida.

[B]

I think you grew up in SoCal if I'm not wrong. Otherwise, why Woody, that's really funny. Where is he from?

[A]

He's from California.

[B]

Downey. Yeah. There it is. There it is. It makes sense. Story tracks.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The is. Is he your most famous brother?

[B]

Interesting. I mean, there's gotta be something.

[C]

I don't. I don't have one that comes to mind.

[B]

Hold on. There's gotta be. There's gotta be. I don't trust you.

[A]

When you reach down.

[B]

I mean, for sure, a lot of guys in comedy. Shane's pretty famous. I don't know. I don't know if I'm asking my brothers.

[A]

You could be Eskimo brothers with like a random buddy. And then one year goes by and now you're Eskimo brothers with one of the famous. Most famous people on the planet, Right?

[B]

Evan Norman's more famous than Evan Longoria?

[C]

No, no, no, no, no. I don't think so.

[B]

No. Tim Dillon and I double two these days.

[C]

It's close.

[A]

Imagine Somebody with Tim.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Losing your boner.

[A]

He's gotta be a nightmare in bed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just the most demanding bossy out there.

[B]

I bet he eats while he. But only caviar. Yeah. Who could I be? I don't think I'm. I don't think I'm Eskimos. With Rogan, there would have been. There would have been a possibility long, long time ago, but no, no.

[A]

Like waitress or.

[B]

Yeah. Jeff Ross.

[C]

Jeff Ross.

[B]

Yeah. But he's not. Is he more famous than Evan Longoria?

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Again, these days it is like, no one knows who the Evan Longoria is anymore in this room right now. Yeah. But, like, right. I don't think Evan Longoria is.

[A]

I don't. And also on the other side, you know, Mark Norman's on Rogan every fucking five minutes now with you guys.

[B]

So, like, so we see somebody's specific fan base. Like here, this guy's way more famous in another region.

[A]

They have no idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Nate was saying he was going to do somebody's podcast. Like, who's that? He goes, the host of Good Morning America. I'm like, yeah, I don't.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I walk right by that guy and I have no clue.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I actually. I think I saw a clip of the show you're talking about because it's Nate talking about how he didn't make his high school basketball team even though his dad was the coach.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's very funny. But I recognize that guy.

[B]

I saw him slow. Why would he make it back?

[A]

He's better than that. He was on. I think it was skanks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he didn't make, like, the football team. No. Are you garbage? He didn't make the football team. And. And he said he was in a class of.

[C]

Of.

[A]

Of 56 kids.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Kevin's like, half of them are girls. The other half, like, how did you not make the team?

[B]

Some guys had to go both play both ways.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

To make the team. That means no subs on certain positions. Yeah. Nate, I believe, is the only and will be the only person comedian who has done both Skank Fest and SNL in the same week. He rushed from Skank Fest to SNL rehearsals.

[C]

Dude. And that SNL was the. It was when Bam Vandy. Bama.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

He had to say on stage, he's like. And Vanderbilt just beat Bama. I was like, that must been quite a moment.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He is on a.

[B]

He's on a tear. I went to that One, I went to the Yankees playoff game. Me and me and doesn't matter.

[A]

Who do you think's on a bigger ride? Shane or Nate?

[B]

Certain worlds, each one of them is more famous. But they're both doing like.

[A]

I think you can make the argument that they're like, yeah, right.

[B]

They're playing only arenas. Nate will do two in a night. So ticket sales, it's Nate.

[C]

But also he does like a 4 o'clock show and a 7 o'clock.

[B]

Shane can't do a 4 o'clock show because he's not awake.

[A]

But two arenas in a night.

[C]

Someone told me that, like, someone's telling me that most comedians, when you sell tickets, you're selling two at a time.

[B]

Two at a time.

[C]

Yeah. And Nate sells six at a time because he's.

[B]

Well, the best is Lewis's tour name. The please bring five people tour. It's so great. It's so great. 82 million and he's still dressed like a Tasha ho guest in 1987 sport jacket and t shirt. Grow up, Nate. 1.1 million tickets he sold.

[A]

That is a lot of tickets.

[B]

You must hate your family.

[A]

I mean, yeah. When you're bringing like your 7 year old, you know, you could bring like literally anybody that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

From your grandma to your elementary school.

[B]

Age kids, you know, Damn, I know a lot of fat ass Chrysler, Jerry Seinfeld.

[A]

So.

[B]

So Nate sold five times the tickets that Jerry Seinfeld sold. Wow. Do you, do you think, do you think that like Jo Koy's a surprising one? But, but I know about it. But no one, no one rates him.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you think, where am I on that list? It sold over 13,000 people this year.

[A]

What's sick is that, you know, it's a great year.

[B]

It is great.

[A]

These guys just turned into like rock stars.

[B]

It's hard staying positive when you're, when you, you're going up and they go like that and you're like, are you okay? I'm like, I'm doing well. I'm in the nicest apartment I've ever been in. And my friends go, apartment.

[C]

You say that in the special too. You're like, arisha, if you're the most, the least famous friends that like, that's not something that bothers you, right? No, I was.

[B]

But I'm aware it's a thing, my friends. But Joe's like, if you buckle down a little bit, you can be successful. I'm like, joe, I'm so successful and.

[C]

I'm freer than all of you.

[B]

I'M freer than all of you.

[A]

Yeah, we have talked about that before. The fact that you can just pick up and go to the Amazon and do whatever the you want is you can't put a price on.

[B]

They're making fun of me. One of them was like, bought, like, a super sick vacation home in another continent. And they were like, you got to come. And then like, Bert was making fun of me. He's like, all right, so when you sell out shows ahead of time, you can buy real estate. And I was like, this is really funny. I'm literally the only one with enough time to go visit them. You guys have this money and you can't go visit your friends.

[C]

So Shane's making fun of you for whatever, and you're like, I can order a Miller Light if I want. Right now. I can drink anything.

[B]

Then whatever you've got is fine.

[C]

I can drink if I want to.

[B]

You know what I love about Shane does have a. He's the only one of those guys that still has this level of freedom. And actually, Nate, there's actually a lot of them. I take it back.

[A]

But I, I. What I like about a guy like Shane is like, all the money, all the success, all the everything in the world. But right now, like, if you were to clown him about Notre Dame, it would cut him to his core.

[B]

You're still.

[A]

You're not bull. As long as you're an irrational and like, like one of the guys like us, like, you are vulnerable till the day you die. That can make over the fact that Notre Dame just got whacked.

[B]

If you don't hit him with trash talk. If you hit him was like, damn, that might be the only chance. Something really so rare, especially with this playoff system. It's so rare to even go. I mean, do you ever think that might be it? I feel bad for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Would you ever do. I feel like with Dave has done it here. I think Dan's mentioned it at some time. Like with Wisconsin. Who's Dave Porto.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Has mentioned like, like, huh. Oh, Itel. No, I don't think it's ever been.

[B]

He wouldn't. He doesn't. He wouldn't be on this podcast.

[A]

We, like, one time, like, he was like, I can do like, right now, like, Thursday at, like, five minutes from now. We weren't available. And I was like, that was our only shot to ever get a time.

[B]

They've all done this. What?

[C]

But they are all, like, helping the nil. Do you have any, like, connection to Maryland that you'd care enough to do that. No, no, no.

[B]

Good memory, though.

[A]

But like, I didn't even know Ari went to Maryland.

[B]

Yeah. Go Terps. Go Terps. Those who know no jets were looking.

[A]

At the Maryland head coach at one point.

[B]

I was like, really?

[A]

This guy stinks at Maryland.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

What the are you doing?

[B]

Oh, yeah, no, I wouldn't help the nil. I don't donate to my school. I don't donate to my high school.

[A]

That's gonna be a. Oh, Dave is gonna, like, you know, buy.

[C]

Well, Shane said he wants to do.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Michigan.

[A]

Dave will just. I mean, but see the thing about. And both of them.

[B]

Yeah. Shane had a fundraiser for the.

[C]

Shane.

[A]

Shane will benefit like, like, like personally. Like you can really. Dave can. It's like an investment. Dave will make his money back with T shirts and just like, right. If. If Michigan's good. I mean, he built barstool on the Patriots being good. So going back, if you could be like, what if I told you in 2002, 2001, whatever it was, you could like invest somehow make Tom Brady. I helped them.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm making money off the story.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It's.

[B]

It's. It.

[A]

It's like actually business for him. So he probably. It's like a tax write off on top of all the benefit from it. But it is going to get a little messy if that's.

[B]

It's gonna get messy if you don't have a batshit. It'll be like super packs. Where did Kanye go to college? Yeah, yeah, Go to college.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Toronto U is going to be a player. I mean, that's all it is. Also it was before, by the way, is who got paid the most. And now it's like, we can do it on the level now.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, now it's. Yeah, now it's like you can access a guy. Like, it used to be a couple crazy boosters and now there's just a million.

[B]

Did you see Shane fighting with that cheater?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, my God. He was so. His cheaters get so mad at being called cheaters.

[A]

Wait, what was this?

[B]

Some old man from South. Some old cheater man from the South?

[C]

I. I like, waited a week to text Shane about that because I was like, I genuinely didn't want to be a prisoner of the moment, but I've thought about it more and I think you calling Saban Alabama Jones is the funniest thing I've ever heard.

[B]

Alabama Jones is so funny.

[A]

So good.

[B]

He was not in the mood to laugh.

[A]

No, I mean, Is he ever knowing Sheen, too? Like, because I. I feel like he's gotten in a couple of those where he's like.

[B]

Because he goes hard. Yeah, his jokes go hard. Like, what the is that supposed to mean? Like, I'm joking around, right? Yeah, but you're saying things that are like, he knows.

[A]

He's like, I'm joking, but it's like, you know, you're saying, that's gonna cut someone down.

[B]

He.

[A]

I just saw a clip of him making fun of Bobby Kelly. I don't know. When I was from somebody. Oh, it was like, do your best. And Shane did, and they were all like, you win. I guess it was like his. His was better than Bobby's. And Bobby was like, yeah, but you got the face to go with it. And Shane goes, shut the up, Bobby. You slug. And Bobby started to come back at him. He goes, you don't want to do this. You don't want to do this because you're going to become Bobby the Slug. You're gonna be Bobby the Slug if I do this. And he just had, all of a sudden had the whole crowd chanting slug slugs. And it was like, you're now Bobby the Slug, because Shane just will put you in the ground.

[B]

Yeah, that's funny. He'll say stuff like, what would have happened? Do you ever wonder what would happen if you never had a kid and changed the course of your life and maybe you would have got more success? He'll like, say something like, what the things you're already thinking about. Shut up, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Where's the second level on that joke? What the.

[C]

Dude, is there a punchline you just stated?

[A]

Oh. I mean, when he's doing it with Tommy and Chris on Stuff island, too. They're just. I mean, because when it's. When you're close and they're your friends and you know everything about them, he's just so mean to them. What is.

[B]

These shirts are [e-mail].

[C]

Are they?

[B]

Yeah. Only made 30 of them, though. There's another shirt on there. Stay positive shirt. I made a lot more, but there's just 30.

[A]

Dude, that's a collector.

[B]

Hurry up and get it. I had to make these fast. Cu. They're being printed right now, so these aren't as quality, but still they're cool. When I realized I was like, I am saying Fidelberg's name. I changed. It was Schlomo Fidelberg. I'm like, no, no. Okay.

[C]

I'm so happy you went with Yoni.

[B]

That was a full homage. Sorry about the Phone.

[C]

We are even Ste.

[A]

When you going back to how, like, everybody else is, like, exploding? Like, do you think the. The Seinfeld was a good example? He sold, what, 200,000 tickets?

[B]

Do you think if 198.

[A]

Is there a comic from that era that if they were in their prime in this era, that you think would be even bigger than, like, the Rogans, the Shanes, the like, Would. Would not Seinfeld, at his peak in this kind of right now, golden age be even bigger than those guys? Or do you think, okay, as big as it gets?

[B]

So it has to be. Good question. These are two good questions. I saw. Who's the guy who everything in. In movie music, and he was friends with Chappelle Wonder, Bodies of Wonderland.

[C]

John, man.

[B]

Homo. Homo.

[A]

Just knowing John.

[B]

No, I did not.

[A]

I'm not a homo, bro.

[B]

But I asked him a question that somebody goes, what do you see when you play? And he goes, I said, damn, man. Good question. Because I've never gotten a question like that. I see shapes. And was like, whoa. And it was like. He just stopped again. He's like, that's a good question. Yeah, two good questions. What was it? Oh, so they'd have to be good at podcasting, right? Seinfeld's not a riffer, so it wouldn't be him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But also, Sebastian's not on a lot of podcasts. He's massively successful. Gabe's never on podcast. Massively successful, so maybe necessarily, you don't need to. But someone who's good on podcasts, like Shane, Mark, they're both in. Elevated by it big time. Yeah. Tim, who would be from back then that would be so good now, like.

[A]

Would Eddie Murphy be a bigger.

[B]

You know what, Geraldo? Probably be big Eddie Murphy. Yeah, he would. He'd be doing arenas because him. Him and Dice did him. Then they'd sell out multiple ones. Yeah, Dane would probably be even bigger.

[A]

Dane kind of was.

[B]

He was really humongous.

[A]

Yeah, he played arenas, but he already podcast.

[B]

You think he would have back then?

[C]

Yeah, we. We had him on, like, 10 years ago, and I wouldn't say it was great. Yeah, we had him on, like, once.

[B]

You already got a big head. I bet you guys get this a lot where somebody's like, what am I doing here? And they take it out on you instead of actually jumping in and just, like, make the best of it, man. I don't know.

[C]

But you're kind of. You're kind of right in this. And, like, most. Like, I would say in the Last few years, I kind of fell out of love with, like, interviews, and I think it was because we started getting such big guests that, like, it came. It became more of a talk show.

[B]

Vibe where I was in.

[A]

I always use you as the example. You're one of the only people who will just come through. I mean, I know you're promoting right now, but you'll also just come through and just talk.

[B]

Well, I have a good time with you guys.

[A]

Yeah. But.

[B]

But also, in fairness, I knew you guys before I. I really had much going on or just at the beginning. So. So it's like. So it's like, I'm not like, yeah, I just. I have fond feelings of you.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's like those podcasts I'm always going to keep doing, I would hope. Yeah, that does get views, too, but, like, it doesn't matter. It's so, like, this is fun and. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

[A]

That makes total sense to me. And I. I feel the same way, but I do feel like a lot of people view it as, like, also.

[B]

You'Re going on a big press tour. Next. Next is. I was in jfk, I think. And they're like, we're. My friend had the Lounge with a plus one. I was like, okay, we're hanging out there, the Delta Lounge. Somebody comes over like, hey, just so you guys know, Kelsey Grammer's coming in a few minutes to give a little speech. I was like, what? And they go, kelsey Grammer. Because they're celebrating a partnership between Delta and Paramount Plus. And Kelsey. And you could tell. I see him wheeling. He's on one of those stretcher things. He had a broken leg.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And he had that. And you could see him. He's coming in. He's like, hi. But he could just see on his face, like. Like, why did I agree to this?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, Kelsey, it's in your contract.

[A]

You did the wire five of their option.

[B]

We're making a lot of money.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And it's just six housewives that bothered, like, going over to that part of the Delta Lounge. We were like, no, I'm not going over there. I passed by it on the way to the bathroom once. I was like, do you ever hang out with the people from Frasier? He's like, good question. I was like, I just felt bad for him. I just felt really bad for him. He doesn't want to be doing this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I can't believe how many people do to do stuff they don't want to. Do?

[B]

Yeah, once.

[A]

Once you made it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Have you ever done something you, like, absolutely did not want to do?

[B]

No. I learned early on, Diaz told me, because you got to start once the podcast exploded, it goes, say no. If. Unless you're friends with them or they're big, say no. You're not driving to Irvine to do some Guy's podcast with 200 views. It's not worth your time.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So if you want to help out a friend, launch one.

[A]

Or.

[B]

Or if it's like. Or if it's something. Or something really big.

[A]

Yeah. I just think that there. I like doing podcasts. You know, if you like it, then fine. I think other people view it as work and promo. It's like, well, yeah, if you go there and you just have a. Like, you said, if you went and you don't make the most of it. Yeah, it sucks.

[B]

But, yeah, you get in a mood and have fun. We used to always talk to people who drove us to radio on the road. It's like, who's a. Who's like a diva? Like, I was one. I don't want to know who's nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Somebody like, boogers on their seat. Like, I'm like, that's my car. It's not a company car. What are you doing? Yeah. And the people who just didn't want to do it, they were the bitchiest because, like, they're just mad they're not selling out.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. But there's certain radio stations even on the road, that I'm like, oh, you've already sold out. I'm like, no, no. But I haven't seen that guy in a while. Like, get me in there. Really?

[C]

You'll go do morning radio on the road?

[B]

Yeah. They helped me out when it was time, and it was a fun one.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I think it's important to remember that, like, if you blew up doing somebody's podcast or whatever, like, and then you get big, like, I feel like you should return the favor.

[B]

Yeah. Shane, coming on to Legion of Skanks right after hosting snl.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's like, I love you guys.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right? I can say and do whatever I want here.

[B]

And that's done with that now. I can do it. I couldn't do it the week before.

[A]

Too much to lose.

[B]

But it's already out.

[C]

Stop me now.

[B]

Who's most justified using the N word thing? Not now, guys. Just not this week.

[A]

Wait, like, 72 hours. I saw a clip earlier this morning. A dude got in a car accident with the Uber driver. Airbags and everything. Like, it was a bad one. And. And the Uber driver was like, dude, can you say you were driving? I don't have a valid license.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Would you do that for somebody?

[B]

Someone I knew, not an Uber driver. Points. What?

[A]

You get points for your buddy, though. Points are no joke. I've gone to court four times. I have another appointment, another court appointment in like a week. I'm trying to kick it down the road.

[B]

I'll. I'll hop in the seat if you're drunk, for sure. I'll hop in the front. Cv. The punishment is too much for you, but you have to. Yeah, but we're gonna talk about the points and the money coming back.

[A]

Yeah, because, well, then it's like, it's also like, you gotta pay for my, My insurance every month.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[A]

Like. Yeah. It's not just like a one time something. We're tied together pretty much for life after this. You need to, like, live together.

[C]

You gotta.

[A]

You gotta pay me back in all sorts of ways at that point. That is. You got to be good friends with somebody. Yeah, but, but you. For a, for a drunk, would you do it for like, like, are we good enough friends? If I was drunk, would you take the fall for me drunk?

[B]

For sure. I. Me and Bobby Kelly went to Cuba and this guy was telling us about crime there and stuff like that, and he goes, there's just not much. It's a totalitarian state. Like, this guy Kurt Kaz made. Made a video of some hookers there, and they went to jail for 15 years. He just thought he was making influencer video. He didn't know. He was like, what? It's like, it's like he went to jail for 15.

[A]

Or the hookers, the hookers.

[B]

So, like, it's just not worth it. So this guy said, the one we were staying with said, I got robbed last week. And he goes, it was my fault. I was drunk. And his wife's like, I know you were drunk.

[C]

I fucking.

[B]

You better tell him that. All right? Because I was drunk, but some guy grabbed my. Now the problem is he put his hand, like, over my throat and his friend came in and did so. Now that's stealing with violence. He goes, that's 15 to 20 years. And he goes, I want my phone back. But the police were like, can you describe me? Goes, no, I'm not sending someone to jail for 15 years for a phone.

[C]

Really?

[B]

You know, there's no way. So if you're going, if you're going to drunk driving. No Fucking way. But if you're like, I've already got some points. I don't want any more. I'm like, buddy, come on, don't hit somebody. I told you to slow down.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a good friend, man.

[B]

How many times have you lied for a friend when they're in some level of cheating? Hey, I was with you yesterday. Goodbye. And like waiting for the call and you're like, that's happening. Yeah.

[A]

I feel like that's like a trope, like you've seen it on, on shows, but that's real.

[B]

Yeah, I taught my friend. Was this an ex? It was an ex. Brian Redband. It was an ex. He's like, hey, I gotta change my shirt. Take a picture of us at the bo at the Santa Monica pier and post this one in like tomorrow saying, I'm with you. Don't post anything for today. Like he knew he was going to cheat. I need you to be with you tomor tomorrow.

[A]

Yo, you gotta, if you're doing that, you gotta stay one step ahead because those girls, man, they'll sleuths in this era with all the tools they have and the apps at their disposal and the websites they can use, you need to be three steps ahead because they are at least two ahead of you. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Erectile dysfunction. One in four men 18 years and older experience ED, which means that you or someone close to you might be experiencing it. So if there was one man, one more man in the room right now, one of us would have a little trouble.

[C]

Is it me?

[A]

That's why I want to tell you about this new ED treatment. It Roxanne. It's the first ED treatment with clinically proven results that you can get over the counter which is so clutch. You don't want to have to deal with the doctors and the prescriptions and all that stuff. You can get it over the counter. And while it might not work for everybody, studies show that there's success in over 60% of men. The best part, no prescriptions or online questionnaires needed. Why wait? Try a Roxon today. Available in stores and online. Visit IRoxon US. That's E R O X O N US. To learn more, the Joe Schmo show is back. It's a reimagined reality comedy series that is out now hosted by the five time Emmy award nominee Kat Dealey. This has been an old school show that came out way back, like even before. Reality TV show really had its revolution and the Joe Schmo People had the, the idea to be like, what if it wasn't a reality show? And only one person thought it was and the rest are actors. And now in the middle of this, you know, reality TV show golden era, Joo is back with Ben, who was our unwitting, unsuspecting hero who thinks that he is just involved in the most ridiculous reality show ever, competing for $100,000. And unbeknownst to him, he is surrounded by a bunch of highly skilled comedians and actors who are all just trying to trump it up and make it as ridiculous as possible while this guy still continues to think that he is actually competing. It's one of the most audacious, audacious ruses in TV history. It's a social experiment that embraces the hilarity of the game. They have over the top physical humor. They got action packed moments and all sorts of pranks that they take to a new height. So check out the Joe Schmo show out now on tbs.

[B]

It was like, yeah, it's very nice of her. Carrie takes the big's wife to the hospital.

[A]

Homo.

[B]

I'm watching it now. It's so bad. I'm watching it now for the first time. It's so bad. But I'm also can now because I just watched each episode, reference specific episodes and girls like, what?

[A]

Are you watching it solo?

[B]

Solo? Yeah, from start to finish.

[A]

That's insane. And so just to be able to.

[B]

Talk to chicks, it's so bad. It's such a bad show.

[C]

Is it really?

[B]

It's so badly written. It's clearly written by homosexual men about homosexual men. And they're just like, let girls play it. It's so dumb and bad. The scene, they're so odd, obvious. I see the jokes coming a mile away. Like, I say it out loud and I'm like, there it is word for word. And I'm like, God damn.

[C]

I've heard from like friends, I trust all girls. But like, like, it's so good. I've always thought about watching.

[B]

I grew up on it. And they always say Steve. They say Steve's the best character. He's a soft boy. He's a soft boy. And they all go, Steve is a great character. He's the best man on the bunch. You like Steve for your girlfriend. Not one of you would date Steve. All of you say, my girlfriend should like Steve because you don't respect your girlfriend and you just think she dates losers and you want her to date a winner. But that's not something you'd Be attracted to. Admit it.

[C]

Which one is Steve? Mr. Big.

[B]

He's the bleep that out. Bleep that out on tour now stage.

[A]

He doesn't make the decision.

[B]

He's such a.

[A]

He's like, yeah, he's.

[B]

This is my impression. I don't know, I just thought, you don't want me around. I'm not successful like you. I just don't know what to do. Everything's a fight with him. God damn, he sucks, dude.

[A]

I remember watching.

[C]

I'll tell you what. For a show you dislike, you're very passionate about it.

[A]

The fact that you're watching this is crazy. I watched it in high school with like the first girl I was ever having sex with.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's why I was watching it. And even then I was like, this. This sucks so much. And it was a very much a means to an end. And I was like, I know. Yeah. Like, I'll do it, man. Even I know this sucks.

[B]

One thing makes sense to me now. So that redhead check. That dated Steve who became, I think the.

[A]

Isn't she like a political.

[B]

Yeah. I think she might have had been the set head of SAG for a while. I might be wrong.

[C]

I think she was like a New York sender.

[A]

Yeah, I think so.

[C]

Or New York congresswoman.

[B]

And she was just a. To every man. And it didn't make sense. But now in hindsight, it makes sense because they changed her character to her real life self. She's a homo and she's gay. And so now you have this lady who has to date dudes when she's on the dudes. Of course she'd be mean.

[C]

Right?

[B]

She's the only character makes sense. And in the closet homosexual woman who's got to date bad men, of course she's Conti.

[A]

Dude, you need a series of Ari reviews. Sex in the city, 25 years. Unbelievable. The first show ever with a cum shit shot.

[B]

You what?

[A]

First show ever with. First regular TV show with a cum shot. Somebody was getting a happy ending, if I believe. If I remember correctly. And you see it kind of like. Like. Like a. Like a whale popping out of the water. It pops out of the bottom of the screen.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

If I'm correct. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That one's like, oh, maybe not.

[A]

Maybe it was just somebody getting come down. I don't know. But I do know.

[B]

Remember it as the come. You filled your mind. Filled in the white.

[C]

The other guy from fucking Californication. Speaking of.

[B]

Yeah, he was in that great show. Yeah. The one chick is Ugly. The other chicks ugly. But pretends to be hot because she was hot when she was 20.

[A]

The one chick. The hot chick is that girl.

[B]

She is hot. And then the old lady's hot for an old lady. And then Sarah Jessica Parker is this. Guys, look at her again. I'm not talking about LA story. I'm talking about. Look at that Jew fucking. She looks like a Halloween costume. What the is that? Zoom in on Squadron 2, 4. That is a ugly horse face. She has a schnoz to. She should do only 3D movies, to be honest. Look at that. I mean, you become a Jew.

[C]

That's a attractive person. What are you talking about?

[B]

I'm re. I'm renaming that bit. I'm going back in and editing it to Yoni Clancy.

[C]

That's.

[B]

I mean, not like, yeah, nah, that's someone you would, like, hit on at a bar. But, like, you wouldn't, like, real. You wouldn't go, like, I'm gonna go talk to that girl. It would just happen through booze.

[A]

That might be the meanest thing I ever said. You're so plain, a drunk guy would eventually stumble into you. Into your. Is.

[B]

I might. The redhead. Over her. No. Also, she never showed her tits. She's the only one who never showed her tits. Kids, you think you're better than that? We had to look at your gross face. All you did was make up everything and you couldn't once. You always in a bra. You're a sex columnist. Take your bra off. Let him at least film me from behind.

[A]

Guys. Tortured by Sex in the City. By his own volition.

[C]

Just stop watching this.

[B]

I'm trying to relate to women. Tyler Perry's next.

[A]

What's your show like? You could be watching so many other shows.

[B]

I know. You ever get caught in a show that got bad, but you're stuck on it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Walking Dead. I'm like. And then eventually you gotta make a decision. No. I finally was like, season 11. Like, this has been bad for five years.

[A]

Still on, right?

[B]

I know it's still on. I'm like, I'm done. I'm done.

[A]

It's done.

[B]

I'm free.

[A]

I almost Shameless.

[C]

I did that. And I still liked it. But it was like season seven or eight. I was like, I think I got it.

[B]

Sometimes they're just. They're just keeping it going for the money.

[A]

Any show over five seasons Sins is about the money.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You know what happened?

[A]

That's why I love Breaking Bad.

[B]

Was like, stayed good till the very end. Wrapped up Nicely.

[A]

And they. And they were. And if you look at, like, season five is actually, like, season four, Part two. Like, they. They made an agreement, like, we only have, let's say, 20 more episodes. And they were like, we want, you know, three more seasons. Whatever it was. They were like, let's break this up so that it's just two more season. We'll give you. You know, they negotiated kind of the episodes because there was only so much actual content left left. So that. That's the way you got to do it. Anything beyond that, you have to be telling a wildly epic.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To be like, seven, eight seasons.

[B]

Also, look up Sarah Jessica Parker. Bad, bad pictures. Looking ugly. Do that. You know, when you're looking up somebody's like. Like Instagram or whatever. Like, I want to find the worst possible. The morning shots, because that's really you. The rest are filters.

[C]

The. What was it in. In Failure launch, I was like, that's a rock rocket launcher. Who Failure. Failure to Launch movie she did with Matthew McConaughey.

[B]

And she's in that.

[C]

She's in it. I thought she's high in it. You're probably gonna disagree.

[B]

Oh, now she's dolled up. No, go back one. Go. No, no, no, no. Up to the back. No, rewind. Rewind the clips. Whatever. One more, one more. Okay, that one. The third one. That's it. That's it. That's who you're waking up there. Yeah. Old and gross.

[A]

Just poor. Jessica Parker has been out of the game.

[B]

She's outdone herself.

[A]

Wake up tomorrow and, like, some Google alert's gonna be on her name. She's just getting flame.

[B]

She got two years of hot. She has excelled. She's like the midget from Game of Thrones. When you were born, the possibility of what you could have become, you launched past it. Same with Luis Gomez, too. You're a Puerto Rican whose father got stabbed to death in front of you. The odds of you making 100 grand in your lifetime are slim, let alone running a company. God damn. Yeah, she excels. She's fine.

[A]

But, yo, like, you're ugly.

[B]

I sure am. But I'm in an ugly field. I'm in an ugly field.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

I'm not in a field.

[A]

No one runs around saying that Ari's hot.

[B]

Yeah, no one is. No one is. Every girl who's ever me, I'm like, what are you doing this for? That's crazy, what you're doing.

[A]

Isn't that crazy that there are like. Like, everybody has sex that's crazy.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Really, when you think about it, like, only, like, 10% of people even have sex.

[B]

I like the idea of groupies. And there's different groupies. My old podcast used to ask anyone in any sport or theme, like, what are the groupies like in here? And there was a pro bowler I had, Tommy Dilute. Boots comedy fan, too, and he's ranked fifth in the world at some point. Made 34 grand that year.

[A]

Getting that bowling.

[C]

Made 34 grand.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It was one guy, Payne Weber, or got money, and everyone else just slugged by trying to hustle. And the Internet, you couldn't even hustle. Yeah, Like, I know who you are.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The groupies there, it was like, mother of two. Some level of addiction. And they would come to Fontana, to the places where they played, and then just wait for people. No way. But they were somebody who just liked to bowlers. It was a UFC type groupie, and they looked like fake stripper. Look. Yeah, White lipstick.

[A]

You gotta be nuts to just roll up and. Random UFC guys. You're asking for it, man. That is gonna be a. That could be a tough night, bro.

[B]

Yeah, back in the day, we just have, like, sometimes at the Comedy Store, you'd see, like, just like. You know, when you meet a woman who's. We're tangential to Hollywood or to showbiz in some way, we overlap once in a while, and you see some girls, like, I mean, it's like you talk about a 9 or a 10. We're talking about our nines or tens. Then you see someone legitimately a 9 or 10, you like, it takes your breath away.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You pass a model on the street, like a swimsuit model, you're just like. You lose your train of thought for a second. You see him live, and I saw one of those girls coming on the front steps of the Comedy Store. I'm like, what the fuck? And then every time I've seen that, it was like four or five different times. It would just be Dalia steps up from tying her shoes. Like, let's go. And you're like, right, right, right.

[A]

It.

[B]

Is he a level that was like, wow. Wow, dude.

[C]

I. I remember level. I did driver's license. I did. We're here to help podcast that Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds do.

[B]

I did a commercial with Jake Johnson.

[C]

Oh, really?

[B]

A long time ago.

[A]

Great guy.

[B]

Before he was famous.

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, what do you know?

[B]

Like, I believe he'd remember just because I went on to some level of fa. I bet he comes up, like, I Think I know that guy. Asked Jeremy Renner also, though real. And I saw Jeremy Renner, a 7 11, and he was already a movie star. Then he goes, oh, it's a bari. I'm like, ah, you're cool.

[C]

I would. I did not have Renner pegged as a cool guy.

[A]

No Renner.

[B]

Jake Johnson, Coke Zero commercial. Damn. Where would it be? Arisha videos.

[A]

No, I already made this up.

[B]

We were spraying. We were like, test tasting Coca Cola versus Coco Zero. We were shaking it up and spraying in a guy's face. And he goes again, again. Giving him cum shots.

[C]

But I was saying it because I. When I did their podcast, I walked out and in the waiting room was.

[B]

A person who came out and just put me in it. Yeah.

[C]

Like a level of attractive that I've never seen. I was just like, yeah, I think. I don't know who that is, but that's a person. And it ended up being Rachel Bilson after. But I was like. I remember seeing her and being like.

[A]

That'S why it's so funny. Like, when. When the Internet will be like, margot Robbie's mid. It's like, bro, if Margot Robbie walked in this room, you would. There you go.

[B]

That's not him. No. Yeah, but that's not him, though. That's him.

[A]

Wait, was that you on the right there?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's so funny.

[C]

Goodbye. What year was that? Oh, 16 years ago. Ari Shafir, YouTube.

[B]

Oh, yeah. This is a big win for me getting that.

[A]

Yeah, that was huge. Dude, you looked ridiculous back.

[B]

I looked ridiculous Hair.

[A]

Like, it's crazy that you look. I had less jewy now.

[B]

I had this whole outfit for so long. Long. They put me in this and I was like. I was like, do you want to buy the outfit? Sometimes they can do that because, like, probably this Coke Zero. Oh, we can't return it. And I was sellty for half price. Like. Nah, it's okay. Like, you sure? Professional wardrobe people are saying, this is what an it look looks like. And you're like, oh, Yeah, I booked 20 commercials with this. Yeah, those glasses made me a lot of money.

[A]

Great tidbit, man.

[C]

You're gonna want this.

[A]

This is basically a costume.

[B]

You're going in for it.

[A]

No way.

[C]

That's crazy.

[A]

And you would go to like, an audition like that? Or send.

[B]

Yeah, it's a knit tie.

[A]

And they're just like, yep, looks. Whatever. That's all we need.

[B]

Oh, yeah, play that one. The red. The red. This is a commercial for myself. Doritos. The red kind.

[A]

You made it for yourself.

[B]

Yeah, go back. Go back. Go there. No. Yeah, that. See how this came out? Did it in Ecuador. I wasn't paid for it. Brought to you by Doritos. Guys, when you're smoking weed and you're having friends over, Doritos is the only choice. And I don't mean the brand Doritos. I mean Doritos. The red guy. I think Doritos flaming hot is your flavor. Or maybe Doritos ranch is your favorite. But the reality is that's your favorite. I'm talking about throw Doritos flaming hot. You know one friend. You know one friend. Case in point. Hey, you want some Doritos Dina mita.

[A]

Guy.

[B]

Also suggest you have some water on here because getting up to go to the kitchen, it's a ordeal. Maybe Doritos is even bad because it's not healthy enough. Doritos says get some fruit. You just burn off some calories, my friend. You yourself some Doritos.

[A]

Is someone filming that or is that just camera?

[B]

It's me.

[A]

That solo.

[B]

I just made it up. I didn't get paid by them or anything. That was a pretty good commercial.

[A]

That was. It's a great backdrop, man. Awesome.

[B]

We had a ruled.

[C]

We had a like a game show.

[B]

That's me too.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Subway commercial. Make it one way had.

[A]

Well, how much you pay for these?

[B]

It's. It's residual. So if they never play, you get 500 bucks. That's the end of it. If it plays plays. The most I got was like 40, 50 grand over like a two, three year period.

[A]

That's pretty sweet though.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you never know.

[B]

Yeah. And I'd be at a bar once in a while when it plays on an a spot which is like any network show youw get paid that rate one time friends or like the way ins but the same, you know, it doesn't matter how popular it is. And you'd make $170 whatever it was the rate. And I was at a bar once I saw my commercial play on a game and I was like what channel is this? Like NBC. I'm like round. It was so cool. That was great.

[C]

That's very cool.

[A]

That. I mean that's. That's a great little gravy train if you can get on it, right?

[B]

Yeah, I was on it for a while. I was on it for a while. I did a lot of good ones.

[A]

Were you trying to be an actor or you were.

[B]

No, it was just. It was the so in. In New York the, the. The way comedians low Level comedians would make money is dog walking in la it was substitute teaching or. Or commercials. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You out in LA.

[B]

I started in LA.

[A]

One of those things. 12 years commercials makes kind of sense. Dog walking anybody can do substitute teaching is wacky, bro.

[B]

I don't know. Because you have kids, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't got kids?

[C]

No.

[B]

You send your kids kids. The test to be a substitute teacher.

[A]

Bro, if Ari Shabir was my kid's teacher brother.

[B]

During the test I was bored from how easy it was. I couldn't even finish. I was tuning out. Going like. It was like. I mean it was like sixth grade education. I'm sure to be. You just got to be able to open.

[A]

Is there anything more disrespected in the world than a substitute teacher?

[B]

Good question.

[A]

I feel like though like when you. When you're a kid, you walk in, you see substitute teacher. It's like this is a piece of meat that we're gonna tear.

[B]

Meat are made part gets disrespected by adults. But not the level that all the kids.

[A]

Yes, all the kids. You. You mean nothing. That is.

[C]

Bring the tv.

[B]

We tried to make them cry.

[A]

Do we have the test? Can we like pull that up?

[B]

The C best test. I remember that. That's it.

[A]

So you. You did it?

[B]

I did it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I passed. I. I never did a class, but okay. Yeah.

[A]

Nobody ever asked you.

[B]

That's a. That's a question. You are subbing for XYZ High School. When the bell rings for the class, what are you supposed to do?

[C]

Like is is start teaching the appropriate answer?

[B]

I probably. It's like.

[A]

It's a little open ended.

[B]

Wait for your students in the doorway of your assigned classroom. Yeah.

[A]

It's like duck because they're throwing at you. Don't cry.

[C]

Which of the following.

[B]

But you also. You just read all these. So you just read the whole thing. It's a paragraph and then you gotta remember it it a minute later.

[A]

Yeah, this is. This is some dumb. Yeah. Nobody. Nobody respects them.

[B]

And they should.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Well now that I know especially I used to think that maybe it was like aspiring teachers or something. Now that I know it's just like some comic who like is trying to.

[B]

Get like 160 a day. It was pretty good.

[A]

What a great movie. Remember that movie the Substitute? It's with like a. Yeah, with like a Liam Neeson type guy. It's not him, but he's. He's like.

[C]

Yeah, that guy.

[A]

He's like an undercover cop. And he goes in there and he like the kid, you know, it's kind of like a dangerous mind sort of thing. All of a sudden, for some reason, the kids are, like, involved in crime. He up. You would love this.

[C]

Mission Impossible.

[B]

Tom Behringer.

[A]

You would love to substitute.

[B]

He had a bigger name than you'd expect, too. Yeah. You know Tom Behringer from.

[C]

I feel like he's in Mission Impossible at least, like, Dead Reckoning or something like that.

[A]

Oh, Major League is what I know him from. He's.

[B]

What was he? Major League.

[A]

He's like the main.

[B]

Oh, the old. The old guys trying to make a comeback. Yeah.

[C]

Are you a big movie guy? I can see you being one and also hating movies.

[B]

I used to. I took. I was. Studied, like, film in college. You did like my focus for English major? Yeah, I used to love them. I don't go enough anymore, but I still like going. You like going?

[C]

I go all the time.

[A]

Yeah, he goes all the time. I like going.

[B]

And I was gonna go.

[C]

So many cool theaters, so many cool movies, and no one talks.

[A]

Fox, the Adam, he just discovered the. The. The. The new world of going to movies alone.

[C]

It's the best.

[A]

I think it's one of the most important moments of at least a guy's life. I don't know about girls, because guys, it's like, you think it's some. Like, you're a loser.

[B]

Such a loser dork thing to do.

[A]

Flip that switch.

[B]

It's like, it goes from like, oh, you can't find a friend. You can't find a date, to like, I. I can. I just didn't watch it. Yeah.

[A]

And like, now you can go see movies that are. Aren't maybe popular at different times. Pop. It was.

[B]

For me, it was Spider man on the way home from the old stand, walking down Third Street. Yeah. And it was like. I was like, 11 was. My walking back was 11. Like, this movie plays 11, 15. I was like, yeah, it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That's the nice part of New York is, like, you're walking by a theater and you're like, what time is it? It's probably like, is it. You know, they play it like 1, 3, 5, 7. You're like, oh, I'll wait 10 minutes, go see it.

[B]

And there's their second run. You see, like, 2001. It's like they're playing it on 70 millimeter, 35 millimeter. Like.

[C]

Like, okay, that's something I haven't gotten into yet. Like, Owen. Owen does that all the time. Like, he'll go. He'll go see, like, classic movies. I'm like, that I should.

[B]

Grainy.

[A]

There's a couple theaters that do that all the time.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Available. The most. One of the most depressing, pathetic things I've ever done was I. It was like fresh post divorce, just like living alone. I went to a, like a 12:15 midnight:15 showing of Cloud Atlas. The bread, the Brad Pitt. You know, I'm like a space guy. So I was like, this movie's gonna be awesome. And I was kind of sitting around and like, I was, I was awake, wide awake. And it was like there was a midnight showing and I was like, wow. Why not? I can't. Why not?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I was like the. Oh, I couldn't believe I wasn't the only person there. I was like, there was a couple others and that movie sucked. So. Wait. No, no, it's just go with it.

[C]

I think it was just Atlas.

[A]

Yeah, just Atlas. Yeah, that, that Atlas Shrugged. Atlas, Brad Pitt. That movie sucked. What was the word? It's something. Brad Pitt, space movie. That movie sucked. Dick.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And I remember being like, well whatever, I'll just be here till two in the morning.

[B]

Like, yeah, no big deal.

[A]

Like also, who cares if you haven't watching tv? Like, you know.

[B]

Yeah. If you have enough money and you just like kind of went on a whim, you're like, I'm gonna leave.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You can't leave when you're with somebody.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

There's a lot of movies. I would have walked out of that.

[C]

The AD Astra, I believe was produced by Brad Pitt's film company, which is Plan B films. They do, they, they do some great movies, but they do like mid, mid level, mid budget movies. So it's like, it's actually one of the only.

[A]

Or not only, obviously that why they call Plan B. Like. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

But like it's, it's. They do a lot of the movies in Hollywood that are like mid level that you don't know about. Do you know what a mid level budget is?

[A]

I was gonna say, is Troy a mid level?

[C]

It's 10 to 100 million.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

10 to 100.

[C]

10 to 100 is like anything over 100.

[A]

Like full blown blockbuster.

[C]

50 maybe.

[B]

Yeah, I don't want to focus myself. But when Water World came out though, like cost 100 million.

[A]

I remember that like, wow, that was a thing. That was like a 100 million dollar movie. That movie stunk too.

[B]

Fever Pitch was. Oh, that's mid butt. Okay.

[C]

10 to 90.

[B]

Sorry, no country for Old Men. Wow. Malcolm X. Because they didn't have to pay in full race.

[A]

Do you know that Forrest Gump 2 was gonna come out? But 911 happened. That was what stopped it.

[C]

Why was he one of the pilots?

[B]

Tom Hanks planned it.

[A]

Dude. The dude.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

The dude who wrote it said, because I think there is a book. There is some sort of Forrest Gump sequel already out there, I believe, or a script or something. And he said, After 9 11, like, it all. It all felt trivial.

[B]

If you. Yeah. If you have something in the works and then it gets sidetracked for some reason, it almost never gets picked back up.

[C]

I actually can see that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if it. If it got pitched in 2003.

[A]

Oh, no, no.

[B]

It might have happened.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

But it was already sort of. They're talking about, like, we don't want to do this right now. And then it's like. I guess it faded away. Someone else has the rights. It's done.

[A]

I don't know if this is true, because it does sound a little bit like. Like a Bill Burbit. I. We were doing the dog walk the other day. We talked about this. I. I was told that the script got submitted September 10th. I don't know if that's true or not. That seemed a little like, you know, too timely.

[B]

I had a friend who's in la, and he was meeting. He was one of the first guys that we had that got, like, a development deal that went to Montreal Comedy Festival. He's getting. And everyone's, like, trying to kind of woo him to go over there. And I was like, what happened with that meeting with. With Wilson Gray? And he goes, got delayed because of 9 11. And I was like, buddy, don't. Don't make that take out loud.

[A]

I said that to me, but don't ever say it to anybody else.

[B]

I get it, but, like, just say it got delayed and be that pissed. Don't.

[A]

I was saying, though, I mean, imagine, you know, if we. If. If you just include 911 in the forrest Gump movie.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He was just there.

[A]

I said, forrest gumps on Flight 93. Let's roll.

[B]

Let's roll sequel that just, like, parachutes out. Yeah, that's. Roll is pretty good. Yeah. I should have got more. I love you guys. Still need a barstool comedy. It can't just be this show.

[A]

I tried. Tried many, many times.

[B]

Poor noise. What do you. Hold on. I got it. What are you frightened of, bro? Why are you so scared?

[A]

I remember. I remember bringing. Seriously bringing the Stefano to him. Him and casually talking About Shane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the response was like, we don't need any more funny white guys. We've, like, already got those. And I was like, I promise you, we don't have these. We have, like, casually funny conversation guys.

[B]

We don't have these. You know, they would still be that kind of loyal that we're talking about where I'll still go to certain clubs that I wouldn't do. And I'm like, no, those guys always treat me right. I'll go back, you know, certain shows. Shane was like, ah, once a month, I'll come in and record an episode. Road.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and you'd have, like, the biggest guy in the world doing it.

[C]

Next time.

[A]

Next time we have a multi bajillion dollar conglomerate that's pornoi.

[B]

Spit out the pizza. Also, that's not one bite. I've seen videos. That's six bites at least on the counter. Mid.

[C]

Mid.

[A]

All right, well, we appreciate you coming through as always, man.

[B]

Yep. Yeah.

[C]

America, sweetheart.

[A]

America, Sweetheart on Netflix. Thanks.

[B]

Right now that I'm on tour right now. No, I made less than my budget for that.

[A]

Wait, how does that work?

[B]

They have these rentals.

[A]

The budget.

[B]

No, they. They say, we're going to rent this for this set amount of money. And then your budgets, whatever you. But they're incentivized. Netflix incentivizes people to put out cheap. They're like, you should put out cheap. That's really. Without saying it. That's personally.

[A]

For the. For the. For the production.

[B]

Yeah. And I don't put out cheap shit. So I make less than they pay me.

[A]

And then. Oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know why. I was just saying America, sweetheart. Reminded me, did I name this special too America Sweetheart? I have a. I have a tweet with 3.1 million views that says Ari going viral as America.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

I was going to bring that up.

[B]

Might have gotten in my head.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Fidalberg might have come back from the dead. I remember that. To name my special. I had that thought because you might have put it in your. In my head.

[A]

Cuz I remember. I think it was like.

[B]

Like America, sweetheart. Wow. Yeah, it might be. That might be where it got in my head from.

[C]

I am the muse for this whole goddamn special.

[B]

Yeah, you are. I would.

[A]

I would say give him some money, but it's not making any. You don't want to be a part of this. It's losing. It's hemorrhaging cash.

[B]

John, dude, you got to come. You got to tell me next time you're coming to a show, I got to get you free tickets. You got to make the stand pay.

[A]

Hey, you got a T shirt, bro. What's 50% of a losing proposition?

[B]

That's right. You owe me $30,000.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Let's do it.

[C]

Just get a DUI. I'll pop in the front seat.

[A]

Great stuff, man. Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Good job, Sa.