Katherine Got Too Drunk at Bert Kreischer's Birthday Party Due to Acne Medication - Full Episode

Summary

KFC Radio Episode Summary: "Katherine Got Too Drunk at Bert Kreischer's Birthday Party Due to Acne Medication"

Introduction In this episode of KFC Radio, hosted by KFC and Feitelberg from Barstool Sports, the trio engages in their signature candid and humorous discussions. The episode, released on December 10, 2024, revolves around listener interactions, personal anecdotes, and a wide array of topics ranging from partying mishaps to deep philosophical musings.

Personal Drinking Experiences The episode kicks off with Whitney sharing a humorous yet cautionary tale about overindulging at Bert Kreischer's birthday party. She reveals that her excessive drinking was exacerbated by acne medication:

• Whitney (06:07): “I drank the whole thing myself. That's always like.”

This confession sets the tone for an open and relatable conversation about alcohol consumption and its unintended consequences.

Grooming and Appearance The hosts delve into discussions about personal grooming, focusing on hair extensions and facial hair:

• KFC (15:03): “Male equivalent of hair extensions.”
• Whitney (15:50): “Maybe actually get hair. Like hair plugs.”

They humorously debate the aesthetics and practicality of maintaining hairstyles as they age, touching upon societal perceptions and personal preferences.

Parenting and Holiday Challenges A significant portion of the episode addresses the complexities of parenting, especially during the holiday season. The hosts reflect on their experiences with Thanksgiving and the pressures of maintaining family traditions:

• KFC (40:33): “This is the amount of. You gotta go here, we gotta go there.”
• Ryan (41:05): “When you're an adult and you...”

They discuss the stress of family gatherings, the role of nannies, and the overwhelming responsibilities that come with raising children, often punctuated with humor and shared frustrations.

Relationships and LGBTQ Conversations The conversation shifts towards relationships and sexual orientation, blending humor with thoughtful insights:

• Whitney (75:05): “You think I'm going to shave my butthole all the time.”
• Ryan (77:11): “My sister's gay. And we were talking to her girlfriend.”

The hosts explore societal norms, stereotypes, and the dynamics within same-sex relationships, maintaining a lighthearted yet respectful tone.

Miscellaneous Topics Throughout the episode, the hosts veer into various other topics, including philosophical discussions about simulations and heaven:

• Ryan (31:41): “What if when you get to heaven, the barrier of entry was only based on your morals of the time?”

They also entertain quirky ideas like live-streamed assisted suicide and the peculiar fascination with donkeys, showcasing their ability to blend serious topics with absurd humor.

Closing Remarks As the episode wraps up, the hosts reflect on personal growth, aging, and maintaining individuality amidst life's changing responsibilities:

• KFC (47:20): “There's a fine line between giving up and I don't try hard. Too.”

They conclude with light-hearted banter about dog ownership and future plans, leaving listeners with a mix of laughter and contemplation.

Notable Quotes

• Whitney (06:07): "I drank the whole thing myself. That's always like."
• KFC (15:03): "Male equivalent of hair extensions."
• Ryan (31:41): "What if when you get to heaven, the barrier of entry was only based on your morals of the time?"
• Whitney (75:05): “You think I'm going to shave my butthole all the time.”

Conclusion This episode of KFC Radio masterfully balances humor with heartfelt discussions, offering listeners a window into the hosts' personal lives and perspectives. From partying tales to deep dives into societal norms, KFC, Ryan, and Whitney deliver an engaging and entertaining podcast experience that resonates with a broad audience.

Transcript

[KFC]

Hey, KFC Radio listeners. You can find every episode of KFC Radio on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube Prime. Members can listen ad free on Amazon Music.

[Ryan]

For us, golf is simple. It's a chance to get out and have some fun with our friends. But inevitably, little things have a way of ruining it. The group ahead is taking forever. You can't find the fairway with a map, and the bev cart is nowhere to be found. And the best way to make a bad day better is Fireball Whiskey. You get their nips, the little shooters. They are great. Makes bad day way, way, way better. Make sure to grab the new Fireball Birdie Shot Club. It's literally a golf club filled with Fireball Nip. Put it in your bag. It'll fit right in that side pocket. Drink Fireball Nips and have a great time on the golf course. Hey, what's going on there, pal? We saw you at the hockey game on.

[KFC]

Do I know you guys?

[Ryan]

I'm Ryan.

[Whitney]

Whitney.

[KFC]

I got a drink named after me. Not a big deal. Pink Whitney. That's what I thought. See you fellas. I invented the thing, you pigeon.

[Ryan]

Pink Whitney for legendary moments. Buongiorno. Me and Pavs are in Italy right now. But on Saturday, December 14, 7pm and 10pm, we're gonna be in Austin, Texas. Or no, we Pavs isn't coming, I don't think. But we, as in me, Nick Turani, Mook Chris Bader are gonna do standup shows in Texas. December 14, 7pm and 10pm Cap City. Please come. It's fun. I think we'll laugh. And that's it. That's the whole thing. That's. That's what I got. And I'm stalling because I'm trying to think of how to say goodbye in Italian, and I don't know the answer to that. So, buongiorno. Arrivederci. It's arrived. It's Arriva Derci. I'm pretty sure it's arrivederci. KFC Radio is presented by Jack Pocket. Jack Pocket. Pulling double duty today. Jack Pocket. If you listen to Episode. If you listen to KFC Radio, you know exactly what it is. It is the lottery apps. Lottery tickets right on your phone. It's an app. You got all kinds of lottery tickets. You got Mega Millions, you got Powerball, official state lottery, all kinds of stuff. Pick them. I'm sorry, not pick them. That's us. Pick ten, take five, win four. EVE numbers, Eve Mega Millions, Powerball, New York Lotto, all kinds of stuff. Mega millions is $579 million. The it is pulled. Oh, nevermind. It's pulled before you listen to this, but I'm gonna buy some tickets right now. Bingo. Bingo confirmed. Done. I am on the board for Mega Millions. There have been over $540 million in prizes paid out to lucky winners. And you can order Powerball, Mega Millions, other official state lottery games right on the app. New customers, use code kfc. You'll get your first ticket free. Download Jack Pocket today and use code kfc, Jack Pocket, America's number one lottery app and official partner of barstool sports. By the way, I kind of skated on it again. You get your first ticket for free. Just get the app. You might get $540 million for free. That's what the lottery is.

[KFC]

Gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER, NEW YORK.

[Ryan]

Call 877-8-HOPENY or text hopeny.

[KFC]

18 or older. 19 plus in Nebraska, 21 plus in Arizona. Void where prohibited. Promo code required for $2 non withdrawable credit. Prize amount may differ at time ofdrawings terms jackpocket.com to promo.

[Whitney]

I was just saying I drank like a preschooler last night.

[Ryan]

Oh, really?

[KFC]

You still got that in you, huh?

[Whitney]

No, no, I don't. I smoke one cig and I'm like, oh, should I go to the hospital? Thank God. My hair still looks perfect. I'm so sorry. If you smell me.

[Ryan]

No.

[KFC]

Is that Mike good? You should be able to just bend it up, right?

[Whitney]

How are you guys?

[KFC]

Those are good.

[Ryan]

Just tremendous.

[KFC]

What are sick?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

What's sick?

[Whitney]

The. Those.

[KFC]

Oh, these? Oh, thanks. Cool.

[Whitney]

Those are.

[KFC]

What are they filling pieces? Is the brand okay?

[Whitney]

Sounds. Sounds European.

[KFC]

Yeah, I think they actually are. They're one of those. It's like size 44 or whatever. I don't know what size I am.

[Ryan]

I believe they are Dutch.

[KFC]

Dutch?

[Whitney]

Are you. Are you serious?

[Ryan]

I think so. I think they're from Amsterdam.

[KFC]

I mean, I know I went to the store in Amsterdam. I think so. Maybe you're right.

[Ryan]

Where were you last night?

[KFC]

I was gonna say, let's break it down.

[Whitney]

Keep talking about Dutch.

[KFC]

This is quite the.

[Whitney]

When I heard that, I mean, I. Because I felt normal for a second, came back to me.

[KFC]

No, no, no.

[Whitney]

That'll make it worse.

[Ryan]

Water will make it worse.

[Whitney]

Yeah, dude. I'm like, is this cool to have socks like this?

[KFC]

Yes, it is. I think I. I wholeheartedly disagree. Serious as you see. But it's like I'm the old guy.

[Whitney]

Pale. Pale.

[KFC]

Yeah. I'm the old guy. I think having the Long socks is lame, but everybody else, sick. All the young kids will be like, yeah, that's sick.

[Whitney]

All right. Sick.

[Ryan]

Cool, cool, cool.

[KFC]

I mean, now you're drinking again and partying still.

[Whitney]

You know, I do more than I ever have.

[KFC]

Really? Really?

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Whitney]

Like, more.

[Ryan]

You've been Albert a lot, dude.

[Whitney]

I did. I did. I went to his. I went to his bir.

[KFC]

Oh, Jesus.

[Whitney]

And I had just gotten on. I'm, like, reversing in maturity. Like, I'm going backwards.

[KFC]

I career going up, maturity going down.

[Whitney]

Oh, it's tanking. I've got a good two weeks left. I'm sorry. Oh, wait. See, this one wasn't me this time.

[KFC]

No, it's not.

[Whitney]

Well, yeah, it probably was. Do you guys just live in here? It's so cozy.

[Ryan]

Everything in the studio is broken, so it's not.

[Whitney]

Okay. Thank you.

[KFC]

Yeah, this is. This is a piece of. Don't worry. Oh, this is like the basement, basically. I see you're. You're going back.

[Whitney]

I got. Yeah, yeah. So I went to his birthday party, just chatting, having a great time, had a glass of wine. I did that thing where I brought a glass of wine, and I was like, you guys should try this. And they're like, yeah, okay. And I opened it up and I poured myself one, and they're like, oh, you wonder what a bottle is? Like a gift.

[KFC]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Whitney]

I drank the whole thing myself. That's always like.

[KFC]

That was my kind of move. It was like, I want this. I'm gonna buy this bottle that I want, and then I'm not taking your booze, and everyone wins. You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

My gift is that I didn't waste your nice stuff.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[KFC]

Yes.

[Whitney]

And I brought my own headache.

[KFC]

I think the worst thing you can do in the world is get a taste for a nice wine, because I find it very hard to go back.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

So where are you at? Like, if you buy a bottle of wine, what's the price point? We're talking.

[Whitney]

Okay, above 15.

[KFC]

Okay.

[Whitney]

Below 30.

[KFC]

I think you can find good bottles at that, like, 25 range, you know?

[Whitney]

Yeah. But then sometimes you're just like, it's 25 because there's a unicorn on it.

[KFC]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

[Whitney]

You're like, I don't know.

[KFC]

This is actually nice, but it's also. Once you start getting the nice shit, I found. I don't know about taste and all that, but I do. I did find that the hangovers were less.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

And then once I get acquired, like, I got used to that I was like, I can't go back to, like, two buck Chuck. You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

And I'm like, I wish I didn't even do this, because I could have just stayed on that.

[Whitney]

I know. I still have, like. Like, I'll go to the bar, right? And I'm like, do you guys have red wine? And they're like. And they, like, go in the back and they're tinkering, and then they come back and, like, I still drink that wine, and it's disgusting. It's vile. It's, like, sour, which is maybe why I feel like this.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

Oh. I was at Burt's, though, so I was drinking my wine, my. My. His wine, and I forgot I just gotten on a spiral act. Spirulectone. Spiral.

[KFC]

I don't know.

[Whitney]

It's acne medicine.

[KFC]

Does it make you kill yourself, or did we get past that?

[Whitney]

I. Is it. Is it antidepressant, too?

[KFC]

No, I'm just saying, when I was growing up, the Accutane was the acne medicine, and it made people kill themselves.

[Whitney]

It made people kill themselves.

[KFC]

And it was like, well, but you don't have pimples anymore.

[Whitney]

So we just kept doing it because they're so hot. They're like, I've reached peak. What else is there? Live for now, maybe. No, I. No, I don't think I want to kill my. I'm having the time of my life.

[Ryan]

I'm sorry.

[Whitney]

Sounds like they figured out hair extension, so I literally am so happy. Nothing can hold me back, dude. It was like. I just got on it, though, and I. This was the first time drinking on it, and I didn't even put two and two together. I'm, like, talking. Da, da, da, da, da. Second glass of wine. All of a sudden, I'm like. I'm like. I'm, like, in a circle with, like, Whitney and, like, Fortune and, like, Chris Porter, and I, like, all of a sudden, I can't finish a sentence. I literally. I was like, yeah. And then we went. And then we went. And then went. And they all just kind of dispersed. And then I sat the rest of the time just melting on to the couch, and I was like, what's going on? I must be a lightweight now. No, it's acne medicine.

[Ryan]

I think that's. That's why I don't really drink much anymore. But I could. I could drink a lot. And I think that's because I fucking. I built my bone or I built my foundation. I got out.

[Whitney]

How much spiral actone are you on now.

[Ryan]

I was on it. Like, it wasn't spiral actin. It was some acne medication.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

And I got out of. When I was, like, 16, and I didn't go back to the doctors for over a decade, and. But I kept filling out my prescription. I kept taking my medicine, and I went back to the doctors when I was like, 27, and they're like, you've been drinking on this shit really exclusively. I was like, yeah, I've been drinking on this shit. They're like, what? Like, no one told me to stop. No one. No one told. I was only 16 when I got it, so. They weren't like, oh, they weren't like. They weren't like, hey, don't drink on this.

[Whitney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ryan]

So, like, 10 years later, they're like, all right, you have to stop this immediately.

[Whitney]

Yeah. You're like, is this why I have no memories? Is this why every day's Groundhog Day, bro?

[KFC]

You were. You were at your peak, a machine. Not many people in the world. I know.

[Ryan]

It was. It was like, I learned how to play baseball with a donut on my back.

[KFC]

Yeah. And then.

[Ryan]

And then I turned 25, like, yo, you can take the donut off.

[Whitney]

Did you keep drinking once you got off of it?

[Ryan]

Oh, yeah.

[Whitney]

And it was like, even better.

[Ryan]

Yeah, that was awesome.

[Whitney]

Wow. And then why did you stop drinking?

[Ryan]

I, like, like, all of the reasons, but I also didn't stop. Like, I don't. I like my. I have. I drink normally now. Like, if I told a doc, I told my doctor, I was like, I don't really drink anymore. And they're like, so never. And I was like, well, I have a couple beers. And they were like, okay. That's what a normal person does.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Yeah. They're like, so you drink?

[Ryan]

Oh, yeah. But, like, like, compared to what I used, like, I drink.

[Whitney]

You're not taking shots of whiskey. Shots of, like, well whiskey at 9:00am yeah.

[Ryan]

Whoa. What are you.

[Whitney]

Really?

[Ryan]

No. Occasionally, if I. If I had a bad hangover, it wasn't a shot.

[KFC]

It was just like, from the bottle.

[Ryan]

Some true hair of the dog.

[KFC]

That'S making me gag. Just thinking about. That's so far gone for me. Like, the thought of doing a shot in the morning would be like.

[Whitney]

I didn't do it for, like, years. And now.

[KFC]

Now you're back.

[Whitney]

It's winter. You know, it's winter. It's cold.

[KFC]

So red wine is your red wine.

[Whitney]

And now. And this is very new whiskey, ginger.

[KFC]

Is it good? No.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

That's the Worst, bro.

[Whitney]

I think, really.

[Ryan]

I don't drink it a lot. I was a straight. I was about the other day with something where, like, we were somewhere. Give me the chills thinking about these things. Oh, it was fucking the other night, and someone was having, like, a coffee. Whiskey. And I was like, I guess I'm old or whatever, but, like, I just like the taste of alcohol. I like whiskey. I like vodka. I like. I don't. I don't want, like a peanut butter flavor. I don't want, like. Just make it taste like the.

[Whitney]

You want it neat?

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

Oh, yeah. So you have demons. I'm here to have a good time. I'm sipping my little juice, my little naughty juice.

[Ryan]

No, you want to it.

[Whitney]

I want to feel it.

[Ryan]

I want to feel it.

[Whitney]

Oh, you want burn. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You have demons. Yeah.

[KFC]

The only thing my. I've been drinking them forever, and now they're so popular. But I've been drinking espresso Martin for as long as I can remember, and that's the only thing I still really enjoy drinking.

[Whitney]

Really? When you order it, do you physically feel the bartender's eyes roll?

[KFC]

So I used to. So this is.

[Ryan]

This is like.

[KFC]

Like, I feel like it is so popular now that I'm like. You don't know what it was like in the trenches, like, 10 years ago? Because it used to be like, either. It was not. Can I have one? It was like, do you make them?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

And you would even a possibility in this place? Yes. And then I would be like, do me a favor. Make. Because I know you got to go to the espresso machine and make, like, five martinis worth. Like, I don't want you going back and forth. So just make a ton of espresso. And then. And then, you know, then it's at least half the battles. You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

So, like. Yes, it was. I always felt like an. I always had to ask. I had a plan. I had a. You know, I had. I had to tell people how to make it half the time if they wanted to. And now I feel like it's. You can get it at, like, a dive bar watching football.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Now they have.

[KFC]

It used to be, like, at a wine bar. At a martini bar, you can get very nice. Now it's like, may. And maybe at a casual place now I feel like it's everywhere.

[Whitney]

They have the. It's, like, already mixed.

[KFC]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just, like, ready to go.

[Whitney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like, this is what happens when you Take away our four loco.

[Ryan]

Yeah, we gonna find a way Life finds a way.

[KFC]

I reached a point too. Talking about asshole. Like, roll your eyes. Then I reached the point where I was drinking decaf espresso martinis because I would have like seven of them. And I would be like. Cuz I would have like seven shots of espresso with me in like, you know, an hour and a half or whatever. Like whenever I was drinking. So I would, I would wake up, like, not even a hangover, like a. And I was like, what's going on? It's like, oh, you have like, you know, eightball running through your veins. You know what I mean? So then I would be like, I still want these, but you have decamped.

[Whitney]

And they're like, they're like, just go home.

[KFC]

Yeah, just fucking stop.

[Whitney]

You don't want to drink.

[KFC]

And they're like, at that. You know, I was, I was young drinking them. So. They're expensive.

[Whitney]

Yes.

[KFC]

But they're very tasty. I like them.

[Whitney]

They're. They're, they're very good.

[KFC]

And they are like a, you know, upper. Like it does get your night going.

[Whitney]

It feels like you're having a milkshake.

[KFC]

Yeah, there's that too. And like. And I need a little pick me up when I'm at the bar. Like, if I'm out drinking. I'm old, I'm tired. I probably don't want to be here. Let me, you know, get it going.

[Whitney]

I. I think that you're just.

[KFC]

You should just go home.

[Whitney]

Yeah. I don't think you. You want to be out.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Facts.

[KFC]

You are absolutely accurate. 100%.

[Whitney]

I want to be like you. I really do. I thought I was you for a second.

[KFC]

No.

[Whitney]

And then, and then I got single and I got hair extensions. And it's like I. It's like I'm a teenager for the first time. I'm like, this is like, I'm free.

[KFC]

Male equivalent of hair extensions.

[Whitney]

Male equivalent of hair extensions.

[KFC]

Like clo. Like having nice clothing or something.

[Whitney]

Like, like, oh, oh, I got it. A dude who's like 30s. So like they've lived a whole life. Kind of chunky, just recently jacked.

[KFC]

But like, that's hard to achieve. Whereas, like, you can just get hair extensions once you have the money for it. You know what I mean? Is there, is there something a guy can just like, do once he makes it, per se?

[Whitney]

I guess. I don't know, like, maybe actually get hair. Like hair plugs.

[KFC]

We just had a whole crew of guys go over to Turkey and get their hair transplant.

[Whitney]

Really?

[KFC]

Like like six guys and they linked up with like 10. I didn't know they linked up with a bunch of fans. Yeah, there's like 10 fans of our, of the, of the website that all went together and they all. But what was very funny is you have to shave your head before they do the transplant. Yeah. Cuz they got a, like, I don't know, they got to implant them so they need to like get to your scalp. And all these guys shaved their heads for the first time and they all looked great with their head shaved. It's like, you don't need to do this.

[Ryan]

You look fine.

[KFC]

You look pretty good with a shaved head. Like, there's your answer, bro.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. When they get them put in, is it actual hair?

[KFC]

They take it from the like here where you still have it. And they literally take like follicles and they go one by one by one by one.

[Whitney]

And is there an awkward stage where it's just like itty bitty little right now?

[KFC]

They, you know, the pictures they were putting up were like, they had bald heads with like marker drawn on it, you know?

[Whitney]

Is that one of them?

[KFC]

That's one of them. Yeah.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

He looks, he looks like a, like a sports.

[KFC]

But like, like, like show. Okay. Show. White socks. Dave. Jackie has a crush on this guy. White socks.

[Whitney]

This one.

[KFC]

Yes, she has a crush on him now, but like, Google, Google like a picture of him prior to this because like, they're like, he looks, you know, kind of like a badass and kind of like a normal guy. Yeah, like that he had like this like five strands of hair like combed over and it was just like, gross.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

Right?

[Whitney]

So like that's the same guy.

[Ryan]

Yes.

[Whitney]

No, it's not.

[KFC]

Right?

[Whitney]

Like, bro, dude, that looks like like, like the black stuff in Spider man got a hold of him and he turned into the villain.

[Ryan]

Right.

[Whitney]

That's crazy.

[KFC]

I think, I think the lesson here is like, to all the people out there who want to get their hair plugs, just shave your head first and then that sucks.

[Whitney]

And he looks good there.

[KFC]

Totally. Jackie wants to have sex with him.

[Whitney]

Is that him in the red? The background right there?

[KFC]

That's him back in cotton. No, no. Oh, you go one down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Whitney]

Look at that one.

[KFC]

That is our White Sox. Dave. That is him.

[Whitney]

Yeah. No, that looks, that looks like a. Like he's red shirted eight times and they're like, bro, you should just move on. You're going to be a car Salesman, stop hanging on to the already hired waiting with opra. What happens if, like, all these guys that get hair transplants in Turkey, all of a sudden, like in like two years, their brains like, rewire and they all turn into like a Turkish, like army. I was thinking they're all like, chipped or something.

[KFC]

I was thinking that, like, if there was a way to like trick the world, your brain, right? And they just have control of you.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

I'm trying to think of the crew who went over there. I don't know for sure, but I feel like there's at least one, maybe two guys in that crew who didn't get the shot because they were like, I don't want the government tracking me. And then, and then are like, I'm going to Turkey, get looking at, baby.

[Whitney]

They're going to be little Turkish soldiers in two years.

[Ryan]

I don't put anything in my body.

[KFC]

That I don't know what it is. Turkish doctor. I'll be there tomorrow.

[Ryan]

Just to be clear, my flight, my food, and my surgery are all in the same bill. Right? Cool. This is good. I'm answering. Dude, loophole, man.

[Whitney]

I found about this on Reddit.

[KFC]

I really do think though, if.

[Ryan]

Funny, I never put that together until you said that.

[Whitney]

Yeah, he looks very anti vaccine right there. Look at his suspicious eyes.

[KFC]

I think it'll reach a point where like. Oh, that's a classic one, right? So one time when, like when he first started here, he got offered to do some television, like, like local Chicago sports thing. And he was chewing gum while he was doing it, and his hair was like, oh, it was the best.

[Whitney]

Is that him? Is that he was.

[KFC]

He was. He was on camera with Walter Payton's son, like Chicago legend. His son is like doing the thing and it was like his first time ever, and he's chewing gum and his hair is like wet and combed over. And he delivered one of the greatest lines ever. We were like, what? You look like a bag of. And he goes, I took a shower. And it just didn't take. Just the shower didn't take.

[Ryan]

He just couldn't. Just this, this fucking piece of gum just was battling him.

[Whitney]

He looks like me at 4am last night or this morning.

[KFC]

It's one of the.

[Whitney]

He looks like he's. He's pitching a new business venture.

[KFC]

The iPad on his thing, like, what are you trying to fool, bro? And now. But then now flip back. He shaves his head and he's like, Walter White and Breaking Bad. Yeah, the badass, you know, hey, that's.

[Whitney]

Not the same person.

[KFC]

Crazy. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Whitney]

That's the same guy. Dude, he.

[Ryan]

So. So a guy getting hair extensions, the equivalent might be shaving his head.

[KFC]

Actually, you know what it is too? It's the beard. Yeah, if you can grow a good beard, I think that's probably the equivalent of hair extensions.

[Whitney]

Right?

[KFC]

It's like your double chin's a little bit hidden and. Yeah, if you can grow a good one and it's like, oh, okay, you look older, more distinguished. Whatever.

[Ryan]

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[Whitney]

Facial hair is like, I've. I've, like, liked a guy before, and then they've shaved their face, and I'm like, totally.

[KFC]

I'm totally different.

[Whitney]

I'll never talk to you again, even if you grow a beard back again. I saw. I saw what was under there, and I have to move on.

[KFC]

Taylor 1, completely transformed.

[Ryan]

Yeah, but he's just hot.

[KFC]

Yeah, but he still. But he looks good still. But, like, I don't think I would. I don't think I would have known it was him had I not just, like, saw what was going on. Yeah, I think if you just showed me a picture of that, I'd be.

[Whitney]

Like, who is that guy a beard for?

[KFC]

It was just a mustache, though. Like, just a. Just a mustache from. From that. I mean, that's.

[Whitney]

That's him without it.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

Wait, is this a football?

[KFC]

Yeah, he's retired now, but that's him with it. Yeah. And prior. So go like 4. Four pictures over that one. Yeah. So that's what he. After he retired, he lost some weight, but he had that mustache and it like. I think both of those guys, they. The loser had to shave their mustache, and he lost.

[Whitney]

And that's him now.

[KFC]

That's him on the right. But with like a week ago where he had his mustache and then. Yeah, the let. That picture we just saw a second ago was him without it.

[Whitney]

Oh, he looks that one. He looks so much better with the mustache, right?

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

He looks good no matter what you'll look.

[KFC]

But I think. Yeah, I think his mustache was, like. Worked well for him.

[Whitney]

Yeah, the mustache is like.

[KFC]

Mustache made a comeback.

[Whitney]

I feel like a mustache is so hot.

[KFC]

I feel like that was a Burt Reynolds fucking, like, back in the day thing. And then I think it took a break for, like, the beard and the goatee. And now I think Mustach mustache is back.

[Ryan]

Heavy. It.

[Whitney]

Mustache is back because it's like. It's like kind of. You're like a smug kind of like, I know you're a little bit of an asshole. Do you have a mustache? And I want. Yeah. And I'm like this. I'm like, I hate that I like you. Like, that's what you want to say to a mustache guy. You're like, you son of a bitch. You got me. Damn it.

[KFC]

We were just talking about it, like, the best. The best thing a girl can say about a guy is like, he's such an asshole.

[Whitney]

It's like, yes, that's what you want as a guy. That's the guy that you talking to your friend and you call them the next day and you're like, damn it. Yeah, I went home with Clarence again. I like a mustache, but, like, see how skinny he looks with that mustache?

[KFC]

You think the mustache makes him look skinnier?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

Is that good or bad?

[Whitney]

I think it's good.

[Ryan]

Good.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. He looks so much thinner than he did when he was like.

[KFC]

Well, when he was playing football, he was like, probably 100 pounds heavier.

[Ryan]

I just say he's lost, like 100 pounds. Yeah.

[KFC]

He's no longer.

[Whitney]

That also looks like a different person. That looks like a jacked Nick Offerman.

[KFC]

He's got a great head of hair, though. He really does.

[Whitney]

God, that's a blessed individual.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[KFC]

Yeah. He made probably $100 million.

[Whitney]

Does he have a beautiful wife?

[Ryan]

Yes, he does.

[KFC]

Sure.

[Ryan]

And her name is Taylor.

[Whitney]

Is this the bus and. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I met them. There's. That's the same guy.

[Ryan]

Yeah, please. In college. Yeah.

[Whitney]

That's the same dude.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[KFC]

When you're in college playing football, you just look like a fucking idiot to figure out how to get a haircut, grow a beard and all that shit.

[Whitney]

Like, guys can reverse and so great.

[KFC]

It's such a blessing. It's like. I mean, really is so nice to just be, like, not worried about aging. I mean, you have to worry about it, but, like, not worry.

[Whitney]

No. Cuz guys can be. You can be hotter.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

With age.

[KFC]

Get a little salt and pepper. You actually. I actually feel like, too, like, I think you reach like Tom. Tom Hanks was talking recently. He's like 65 now or something like that.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

And he was like, 35 was like the worst time. He was like, I hated it. I didn't like, like, I don't. For whatever. Whatever his explanation was. And I feel like with guys, like, here's what I've been working on. I feel like when you're in your 20s, you, like, party, and then you're in your 30s and you, like, stop partying because you're like, I'm done. Like, I've done too much. But then I think you hit like 40, and you're like, I haven't done anything in a decade. And you start to do shit again.

[Whitney]

Yeah. And you do.

[KFC]

So. And I think you like mushrooms and stuff.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

I think. I think, like, even you start to. I mean, I'm not a gym guy by any means, but even I am, like, I can't. I'm doing nothing for like a. You know what I mean? Like, I'm going to eventually try to, like, do some sort of exercise.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

I think people pick it back up as guys, and then you get. You hit like, your late 40s, mid-40s into like your 50s and 60s. You actually might be literally better looking.

[Whitney]

You know, you're literally better looking. And like, you. Can you put on a sweater? You know what I mean? And you're. And people are just like, God, you're adorable. Are you kidding me? Swim done.

[KFC]

Yeah. You guys, like, dress up, right? Right away, it's makeup, it's hair, it's nails, it's dresses, high heels. It's like, that's. We know, like, that's your hottest. Right away.

[Whitney]

I know for us, it's like, we.

[KFC]

Keep that kind of tucked because we're stupid for like, 20 years.

[Whitney]

Yeah. You wear like giant T shirts with the pocket in the front.

[Ryan]

For 20 years, she still fucked me.

[Whitney]

And you're like, no, it's only a little bit ripped. It's always just ripped a little bit in the very front. And only one of my nipples is showing. And then you get. And then, like, you just like, put on like, a sweater and you're like, transform. You're so. Yeah, dude, I. This is politics aside.

[KFC]

Like, this is not like, my favorite disclaimer these days. This is not to get political, but.

[Whitney]

I'm saying this is what it's like. Like a. Men, the older they get, the more attractive they are. One of my first crushes as a child was George Bush.

[Ryan]

I can see that. I can see that for sure.

[Whitney]

Just take whatever you believe. Just take that aside. Look at this man. There is a. There's a video of him shaking his booty a little bit. He is an adorable man.

[KFC]

Yeah, he's had a nice little PR switch up from, like, war criminal to like, you're so cute.

[Ryan]

Yeah, I know he's cute.

[KFC]

Early 2000s was like, you started a war for no reason and tons of people die. Now it's like, have you seen his painting?

[Whitney]

He gives Michelle Obama candy.

[Ryan]

I was. I was a George W. Guy even in office. I. You got.

[KFC]

When he threw the first picture at the World Series, when he threw the strike at the World Series, it was like this guy's. He's the man.

[Whitney]

See him in that. In the. In the blue shirt right there. He shakes his little booty. Guys swoon. And he's not even he doesn't even have, like a fit body. But something about it.

[KFC]

I'm like, you know why, too? I think he did a good job of like, aside from this here and maybe a couple little things in the spotlight.

[Whitney]

Right.

[KFC]

He disappeared, you know, he wasn't in your face talking about his politics. You weren't really remembering. It's like, did what? Were their weapons amassed? I don't think they were.

[Whitney]

I don't know, whatever.

[KFC]

He kind of faded off and it's like, yeah, I'll just come back, you know, 20 years from now.

[Whitney]

His daughter became the host of a morning show.

[KFC]

Yep, yep.

[Ryan]

Did she? Oh, yeah. Jenna Hager Bush, right?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

The Bush twins are both like good looking girls. And I think out there it's very. It's very. It's a good PR story.

[Whitney]

I know. We.

[KFC]

I mean, remember when he did that fool me once thing?

[Whitney]

It's in a rap song. It's under J. Cole song. I Twice.

[KFC]

Yeah, it's like the intro.

[Whitney]

No, here it is. He goes, fool me once, shame on me or shame on you. Fool me twice. Hey, you can't get fooled again. You know what?

[KFC]

He.

[Whitney]

Okay. He's essential. Like that friend's dad.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[KFC]

You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

You go over to his house and you're like, g man. And you're like, he's a little problematic, but he's our friend's dad.

[KFC]

You probably shouldn't say that or touch us, but.

[Ryan]

Hey, Joe.

[Whitney]

Yeah, what's up, man? He's that also, like, politics again aside. This kind of feels like the end of when he was president. The end of kind of when it was okay. The world was okay.

[KFC]

I was gonna say there was some problems there, but I think we. We didn't know how good. Like, we had it. Yeah. The good old days, you know, Was it the. You don't know the good times when you're in them.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

It kind of still felt like. And maybe because I was like, growing up at this time, but, like, it's probably that.

[KFC]

It's probably.

[Whitney]

I look at him and I'm like, I. I imagine riding my bike around a cul de sac. People are gonna hate this.

[KFC]

People who did oppose the Iraq war might have something to say differently. But all those people aside, he is kind of your goofy uncle.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm screwed anyway.

[KFC]

It really is, though. It's all. It's all just like pr. It really is.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

It's like, did you do it right or do it wrong?

[Whitney]

Yeah, for sure.

[KFC]

Or did you do it wrong? So Good, you did it. Right. Because that's kind of where I feel like we're in right now.

[Whitney]

It's also like, I've just convinced that the script is already written and they're all like, effing with us. And you know what I mean? Like, they're like, this is. We already have the next 12 years of politics planned out, by the way.

[KFC]

Or maybe we're in a simulation. I don't know.

[Whitney]

Yeah. And you just go get your hair.

[KFC]

Plugs or don't shave your head and just be like, fuck it.

[Ryan]

I had an interesting. Not interesting, but I had a high thought the other night because we talked about the simulation.

[Whitney]

I think that that's a possibility. I have another one of my favorite theories, I'll say after this.

[Ryan]

But we were talking about how basically it's just another religion. It's. Your religion is simulation versus whatever. There's someone else who's in control. You are not in control of your own body or whatever. Like, well, that stuff. But then I was thinking more about religion and I was thinking about heaven. And again, I was high.

[Whitney]

But the name of this strand.

[Ryan]

But I was like, what if when you get to heaven, the barrier of entry was only based on your morals of the time? So, like, you think like nowadays, like, you're like, oh, like only good people get into heaven. But like a good person. 400 years ago, vacillates was really fucking different. Like, yeah, a good person on planet Heaven works. So what I'm going to get there and there's going to be slave owners in prison in heaven.

[Whitney]

Yo, you're like, I, I beheaded my wife. Yeah. Because I saw they're looking at another man and that's not allowed.

[Ryan]

So all those people are in heaven?

[KFC]

I kind of think so.

[Ryan]

Then I don't have any interest in heaven.

[KFC]

I think, I think you get, I think you get the, the, the, the Heisman. You get the boot from heaven. If you know the rules have been.

[Ryan]

The same the whole time.

[KFC]

No, they haven't. No, they have not.

[Ryan]

If we're talking about the Bible and.

[Whitney]

You have to also say kinda the.

[KFC]

Bible, like Old Testament Bible is like, you know, they're slaves and shit like that.

[Ryan]

But yeah, that's what I mean. So, like, that all gets you into heaven still.

[Whitney]

You have to say, like, your background, your upbringing has a lot to do with it. Because what if you had like, a good, really good parent that was like, hey, do you see how that hurts that kid's feelings? And you're like, yeah, and they're like, maybe you shouldn't do or say that to them because that hurts them. You would be like, I understand that now. I'm not going to do something to hurt them. But what if you have a parent that's just, like, beat their ass, you pussy in your head. You're not, like, thinking about consequences as much as the other person because you didn't have the same upbringing.

[Ryan]

Right.

[Whitney]

So you might be, like, as easy as terms, like, a meaner person, but because you don't have the same conscious conscience that, like, somebody else has. So is that a more bad person?

[Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah. No. People with bad parents should not get into heaven for.

[Whitney]

I'm screwed. I'm fighting for myself here.

[KFC]

Let's say your dad's.

[Ryan]

Hypothetically speaking.

[KFC]

I feel like you don't get into heaven if you are, like, knowingly, consciously a bad person.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

But, like.

[KFC]

Like, it's a pretty gray area. But, like, I think I feel like the big. The big G, man. Did you know what you were doing?

[Whitney]

Like, did people. Back in the day, they stoned people to death in the name of God.

[KFC]

Those guys get extra into heaven, you stone to death from me. You get the vip. I mean, yeah. Like, there's, you know, terrorists think that they're doing the right thing.

[Ryan]

Yeah. So then heaven is not a place you want to be. Heaven's full of really bad people.

[KFC]

Well, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe. Maybe it's so strict that, like, maybe, you know, you're not getting in. Like, maybe.

[Ryan]

Oh, I shouldn't get in. If heaven's one of those clubs, like, if I'm in, I don't want to be here.

[Whitney]

Yeah, I don't. My. I like to just think. Because I think this is the most fun is reincarnation, and you just get brought back into whatever, like, being that you treated the worst or the best.

[Ryan]

Okay. What being would you be brought back as then?

[Whitney]

Me, probably. Like a rescue donkey.

[Ryan]

That's when you've treated the worst.

[Whitney]

Oh, no.

[Ryan]

I was like, what is this, girl? We're good. My parents had that donkey they used to make me beat the shit out of every night. I've had sex with a lot of donkeys.

[Whitney]

Don't knock it till you try it. Yes, the Hee Haw turns me on. It's my kid.

[KFC]

You were good to rescue donkeys.

[Whitney]

I've donated a lot via Instagram to rescue donkey charities. But, like, I feel like if you're somebody that the minute you see a bug in your house and you kill it. I don't. I Save them. You're gonna come back as like beetle, right?

[Ryan]

I said that recently that like when you're a kid and you kill animals, you kill like insects and stuff like that. It's whatever. But like, if you're killing insects as an adult, a year old twisted dude.

[Whitney]

You're so twist. And it's so fun. You just. It's a fun thing you get.

[Ryan]

Yeah, it depends on.

[KFC]

There's like a spider running around my house.

[Whitney]

No, they're good. The spider.

[Ryan]

I know.

[KFC]

They eat the other bugs. I know, I know. But it's also a fucking spider.

[Whitney]

Have you seen Honey I shrunk the kids?

[KFC]

Yeah, with the daddy long leg. You're not wrong. But it's also a creepy spider, man.

[Ryan]

I don't even kill. I don't even kill. I don't set him free either. I'm just like, he's hanging out over there.

[Whitney]

I think you just kind of.

[Ryan]

That's just.

[Whitney]

You're just. Yeah.

[Ryan]

Oh, for sure, for sure.

[KFC]

If it was within arm's reach, you'd kill it.

[Ryan]

It's not over there.

[KFC]

You're good.

[Ryan]

No, that spider's lucky he's on the.

[KFC]

Other side of the room. Otherwise I'd be bringing the pain.

[Whitney]

You bring a girl home and there's spiders everywhere, and you're like, I'm a vegan. What's up? Anyways, want some barbecue?

[Ryan]

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[KFC]

H E L p.comkfc how is your Thanksgiving?

[Whitney]

What did. Oh dude, I stay. I'm in LA now.

[KFC]

Okay?

[Whitney]

I stayed in LA because I had to fly to Albany. Albany? Is that how you say it? The next day. Everybody wants to do Albany Thanksgiving weekend I won the gig, but I stayed in town for the first time. Like, didn't go back to Kentucky. Didn't do family stuff. Dude, it was so dope. It's so dope I went. I saw Gladiator with my roommate Nicole and Ian Edwards. And then I went to, like, three friendsgivings, brought wine and, like, a pie, and didn't have, like, any family drama.

[KFC]

Dude, that's the worst part. Once. Once you have to go, once you have k family, all that, it's like, not only is this no longer fun, this is like, I actively dread it.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

I'm like, oh, it's the Christmas season. Oh, I gotta do. Oh, the Christmas season.

[Whitney]

Like a thousand.

[KFC]

Like, I still. I still automatically go, like, oh, Christmas time. And then I remember, like, who I am and what my life is, and I'm like, this sucks.

[Whitney]

Oh, dude.

[KFC]

This is the amount of. You gotta go here, we gotta go there. Yeah, this. You guys do that. If you just. I'm not doing it.

[Ryan]

The best Thanksgiving I had is Covid. And I like. I like my family. I have fun when I go home. But it was still a different level, like, because 2020, we didn't leave. We just stayed and had, like, friends giving and all that stuff. And I was like, this is the most fun weekend I've ever had.

[Whitney]

Which is like, how.

[Ryan]

How I feel.

[KFC]

Like, holidays, when they started were that. It's, like, fun.

[Whitney]

It was fun.

[KFC]

Somehow it became. I guess you just got. You do it with your family over and over again. That's like, well, we got to go see Nana, and we got to see aunt uncle this, and we got bring the kids. I think in the beginning, holidays were awesome.

[Ryan]

Yeah. But I'm also like, when it's. It's kind of like you go through all the phases. Like, my 20s, they were awesome. I'm my 30s now. And now, like, my relatives, like, when I was. When I was younger, my grandparents were old and weird, and they just were old and weird. My whole life, I never knew them as anything other than, like, old and a little weird.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

But now I'm seeing the transition of, like, my own. My, like, aunts and uncles. And, like, you're kind of just sitting there like, you're like, what are these fucking jeans? Do I have Christmas future?

[Whitney]

Uncle Billy's been on Face too long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sort of like, their opinions are getting darker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ryan]

I didn't realize you were this weird dude. What the hell?

[KFC]

And it's gonna happen.

[Ryan]

It's gonna happen to you too.

[KFC]

But you're right, like, just watching it, it's like, oh, I used to be able to, like, have lucid conversations with you, and not anymore.

[Ryan]

Yeah, now you are.

[KFC]

You Are insufferable. I'm gonna stay away from you.

[Ryan]

And.

[Whitney]

And they're, like, looking at you like, you're kind. Do they look down on you?

[Ryan]

It's like they're like. You're, like, wondering, like, does he have my genes? Is he coming this way? And then, like, your aunt's in the corner with a bottle of wine, like, is it coming my way? Whatever you guys have, I'm infected with it. I just don't know which one I have.

[Whitney]

You're just choosing who you want to be when you evolve into that one. Yeah, yeah.

[KFC]

Choose your own adventure.

[Whitney]

You have two paths, right? I, like. I go there. The saddest thing for me, this is really messed up. Is when you start seeing your, like, aunts and uncles get older.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

Is that a weird thing? You know, you don't see them for, like, a year.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

And you come back and you're like, oh, you're great.

[Ryan]

You're slow. I'm doing that with my friends. Like, what the fuck happened to you in the last year, dude?

[Whitney]

It's so sad.

[Ryan]

50, man.

[KFC]

There's, you know, 30s, 40s is a time where 30s is weird. You could be, like, either partying and shit, or you could. You could be equal, have, like, I have friends who are party animals. And kids. People have, like, kids and settlement. And then I feel like, late 30s into 40s. It's like, I. I still look kind of young, like, dress kind of young, whatever. And. And then, like, I've got the balding ring. I wear dad clothes. I'm, like, fat, and I became a dad.

[Ryan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[KFC]

And it's like, boom, boom, which one did you choose?

[Whitney]

Kind of thing.

[KFC]

I don't even know if it's a choose or if it just happens to you.

[Whitney]

I don't know.

[KFC]

I don't know what it is. I think it happens just happens all of a sudden. Like, I mean, there was a. There was an employee here. We'll bleep that out. But there was a guy who did. I was like, how many is.

[Whitney]

I got to say it?

[KFC]

He immediately said he was like this. Just like. I remember he used to, like, stand like this. He was fat.

[Ryan]

And then.

[KFC]

And I saw a picture of me as young, and I was like, no fucking way. I would have just thought, like, you were kind of like a fat guy forever.

[Whitney]

Forever.

[KFC]

No, you got like this.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

That's crazy.

[Whitney]

It's like, I guess you don't know. No, you're still. No, you're doing great. I haven't seen, like, ten Years ago. Picture. So if you were like Ken back then, I'd be like, no, but, like.

[KFC]

Yeah, I'm just worried that, like, what. Maybe it goes quick, you know, it's.

[Whitney]

Like, oh, it's a mindset.

[KFC]

You think so?

[Whitney]

It's a mindset. And I think it's like you've. Some dark things has happened to you when you start to let go like that.

[Ryan]

I agree with you. I think it is a mind mindset.

[Whitney]

I think very much.

[Ryan]

You. You let it in. You let it in.

[KFC]

Yeah, yeah.

[Whitney]

Or. Or just like, you're like. And. And this is also, like, kind of freeing. You're like, I don't. I have a family. I have somebody that loves me. Whatever. I don't have to try this hard anymore. Yeah, maybe you're the losers. You're going out and buying hip stuff and worried what you look like everything else.

[Ryan]

You're still doing a full sprint. I already crossed the finish line.

[KFC]

There's a fine line between giving up and I don't try hard. Too. Too hard. You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

Like, I think. I think either extreme is. Is lame. Like, if you're trying too hard, you're lame. If you just don't give a. About anything, you're kind of lame too. Yeah, but there is something to be said for, like, yeah, I don't need to, like, I'm gonna. I have a hairy back. I don't care. Because, like, my wife says she likes it or whatever. You know what I mean? But I do think that's like a slow boil where all of a sudden you're like, okay, we're both disgusting now. You're so gross. And we. Now we do. We. We don't like each other anymore, and we are gross. You know what I mean? That's why it's a slippery slope.

[Whitney]

Right?

[KFC]

But in. But that first level of like, yeah, I don't need to. I feel like that. Especially if you're a girl and it's like, I'm not wearing high heels and, like, you know, injecting my face, you know, doing this. That, like, sucks. Objectively sucks.

[Whitney]

Yes. Except. Except it doesn't. Except when you start getting it, you're like, holy, I should have been doing.

[Ryan]

This the whole time.

[Whitney]

This is the secret right here. Don't read that book. The secret. It's called hair extensions and Botox.

[Ryan]

That's the truth.

[KFC]

True secret to have Botox, I feel like, gets talked about, like, the way, you know, did you get your nails done? It literally, at least around here. But guys you get your Botox. Like, it's not a secret anymore.

[Whitney]

It's like, yeah, guys don't even. Like guys. I feel like, think when you get Botox, it's like, you're gonna look like a lizard lady.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

And I'm like, it is, like, getting your nails done now. Like, it's like a. It's part of the. The regimen.

[KFC]

Like, that is a little crazy, right? It's like we're injecting our face with poison is just part of the routine now.

[Whitney]

I don't.

[Ryan]

I don't think it could be good.

[Whitney]

I don't give a rat's ass. This is a damn simulation. I'm coming back as a freaking beetle.

[Ryan]

I don't give a shit.

[Whitney]

I'm hot as shit for as long as I can.

[KFC]

You don't think that we might have a generation, like, when you guys get older where it's like, oh, yeah, like, all of the poison, like, pooled in, like, the bottom of your face and you all look like monsters now?

[Whitney]

Yeah, but I'm gonna look like that at that point anyways, whether I do Botox or not.

[KFC]

You're gonna be ugly no matter what. So be hot now. Ugly is inevitable.

[Ryan]

It's always, like, the funniest argument against, like, tattoos. Like, they're gonna look dumb when you look older. Like, do I get. I look rad right now? Yeah, well, that's.

[KFC]

That's my whole thing about life in general, is like, we you. If you have kids and shit. Like, I know people who have. Who had kids quick, had kids early, and they're like, I'm gonna be done, you know? Yeah, yeah, but you can be, like, 60.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

Like, you're done sooner than me, but, like, you're still old. And, like, we. You give up, like, your 30s, your 40s, the rest of your youth to, like, be a dad. It's like, congratulations, you have an empty nest. But you're like, you're old now and that. And you don't get to enjoy, I guess. You get to travel maybe. But you know what I mean? It's like when you do the fun stuff when you're young to be able to enjoy. Yes.

[Whitney]

Because now you hurt.

[KFC]

Right. No matter what. You're either a little bit uglier, a little bit older, a little bit lamer. You even, okay, great, you can go out. Like, I don't want to go out anymore. Right. You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

And then you just want your kids to visit anyways.

[KFC]

Right? Right. That's the. The rub is, like, oh, great. They're not around anymore. I wish they were, right? And when you have them and they're like. They're, like, driving you crazy. Everyone's always like, cherish these times. I hate. That's my biggest fucking pet peeve in the fucking world. The other day I said, my kids are. My daughter's turning 9, and my son just turned 7. We're kind of right on that border with. With Santa, right? And.

[Whitney]

Yeah, for both of them.

[KFC]

Well, probably more so her. But they're. They're like kind of twins. They're so close in age, like a year and a half. Like, kind of like Irish twins almost, that it's like. Like, if one found out the other one. I don't even think of them as, like, different ages. They're so close, you know? But we do Elf on the Shelf, you know, that whole thing, and we. We go hard for Elf on the Shelf. We start it right after Thanksgiving, so it's a full month, especially if there's early Thanksgiving. There's, like, six weeks of it. And we. Do you have to write a letter every night, too? Like, a lot of people just, like, put it in one spot. They're like, santa's watching. Behave yourself. We move it around the house. We put it in, like, different scenarios. Like, like, I'll rip open the marshmallow bag and be like, oh, look, they got in the marshmallows.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

And we write jokes, we write poems, we write letters. And in the beginning, it was cute, and now I'm like, this.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

And. And I'm divorced, so I only have them a few times. Like, so you have to go all.

[Whitney]

Out when it's your time.

[KFC]

Yes. And so she does it, like, four times a week. I'm doing it two, three times a week, and it's like. And I was thinking that, like, who. You know, I still want there to be the magic of Christmas, but, like, maybe we don't do Elf on the Shelf. And, like, as soon as Thanksgiving hit, they're like, the elf's gonna be here soon. And I was like, fuck, man.

[Ryan]

Right?

[KFC]

So I was tweeting about that, and the amount of people who were like, you're like a Grinch and, like, oh, you're a bad dad, and, oh, you're gonna regret this. And, oh, like, one day you're gonna want this back. I'm like, yeah, I fucking know, man. But right now, I don't want to write a millionth letter. I'm all out of jokes. I'm all out of Christmas puns. We've been doing this for a decade. I don't want to do it anymore. Yes, I know one day I'm gonna be like, oh, I wish my kids were here right now. Just fucking commiserate with me. Let me vent.

[Whitney]

It's.

[KFC]

You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

It's like, dude, I just. From nannying like eight years, it's like, I, like, I don't want to have children now because I nanny for eight years.

[KFC]

Like, I know, imagine nannying, but you don't get to give them back.

[Whitney]

It literally, like, it's, it's, it's mind numbing. Like dealing with like, dude, two brains. You know what I tell, like, that's what I say to my friends who are like, having kids now. I, I said, I, I raised like a family pretty much. I mean, they had great parents. I didn't. But.

[KFC]

No, but, like, you do a lot of the work, especially nowadays with working parents.

[Whitney]

Yes, for sure.

[KFC]

Big chunk of the day. It's your job.

[Whitney]

I truly have PTSD from it. Like, especially when there was like three young ones under four. Like, I, I truly think I have. Like, what did you get paid for that trauma? I get paid. It was some probably averaged out to like, I was in Atlanta, maybe like anywhere between like 25 to 32 an hour. Does that seem normal?

[KFC]

Well, my point being that, like, if you went to that family and you were like, it's a hundred dollars an hour starting tomorrow. I think they'd be like, okay, no, I don't know.

[Ryan]

What, I can't raise these three fucking kids.

[Whitney]

I think so. Because I wasn't, I wasn't like a nice person. I wasn't like, I wasn't a good nanny. I was always like, why? Because she's such a good mom. I was like, why do you keep me around? You know, I'm not great. I like, don't.

[KFC]

Well, because though there was probably at least a chunk of hours where she was like, go to the nanny.

[Whitney]

Have at it.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah.

[KFC]

I mean, I, we have an amazing nanny. And like, she could, she could be like, you need to. My salary is now 10x. And I'd be like, okay, okay, I'll figure it out.

[Whitney]

I'll get another job.

[KFC]

I mean, to a point where like, you know, maybe with school and stuff, but like in the early years where it's like all day, every day, 24 hour thing. Name your price.

[Ryan]

It's a great episode of 30 Rock.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

The. There's Jack Donaghy realizes that having something he cares about personally is A negative in negotiations because his man, his baby's nanny, this Jamaican woman, is like, basically this. She's like, my salary is doubled now. And he's like, he's like, fuck. I. He's like, all right, then leave. She goes, all right, then go get the baby. And he's like, wait, don't leave. He like. So he starts using her negotiation tactic. So he's like, in like NBC boardrooms, peeling oranges, talking in a Jamaican accent. So what you wanna do? It's unbelievable.

[Whitney]

Okay, you go ship your own boxes now. That's so funny. And it's harder now than it ever was because we have the Internet and they let us know how you can f up your kid by not paying attention to them, by not listening to their feelings, by ignoring them for eight hours a day because you went to work and your. Your kids just eat Ho Hos and watch TRL all day. So now. And like, you get the guilt. Exactly. So you have to pay attention to them now. And there' more pressure than ever.

[KFC]

Yeah. I feel like if you were like a nanny in like the 90s, it was like, go, go home. Like, make sure you're home when your parents get home.

[Ryan]

Do whatever you want.

[Whitney]

There was one nanny for 10 kids on the block.

[KFC]

Right, right, right now. It's like, you know, write down like every. Did they go to the bathroom and did they read books and did they. How much screen time?

[Whitney]

And yeah, my friends, who are. Some of them are on their third kid, and I'm like, what.

[KFC]

What are you doing?

[Whitney]

Are you. Have you turned on the news? Have you turned on the news? Have you ch. Your bank account?

[KFC]

The craziest thing is the, the, like the pregnancy amnesia that goes on. Like, my sister was like, I am one and done. Like, this was. Pregnancy was terrible. Delivery was terrible. I was. I had postpartum. I was like, suicidal. I like, the baby had colic. Like, everything hit.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

Every worst case scenario for everything. She was. I was. I was not glowing. I did not like it. You know what I mean? And I don't know, my niece is like a year old and she's talking about another one. It's like, what I like when I, you know, you swore this off and then a couple, like a little bit goes by and you're like. Although she did admit she was like, I just want my kid to have a sibling. She's like, I don't want to do this again.

[Whitney]

You don't want to be.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

So.

[KFC]

But even that, I'm like, you are selfless. As fuck. Because you could just have a only child and like give them all the attention and all the money and all the everything. Yeah, that'd probably be, you know. Yeah, siblings are cool, but you know what's cooler? Like PlayStation 5.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

You know what I mean?

[Whitney]

Do you think we should just encourage people? Because I say this as a joke, but then I really genuine believe it. Like I'm like, I don't have kids because I have a budding career, very famous, huge. But like I have like, I have other things to like reach, you know, goals, ambitions. Do you think people at a certain age, they just are like, I kind of tapped out on ambitions. I found my job, I clock out at five.

[KFC]

Totally.

[Whitney]

What's the next thing to do? Have kids? I'm like, let's encourage hobbies and activities and stop having three children. You know what I mean? Like let's have people. Let's, let's, let's all have side gigs, let's all have side hustles. And cuz I just like we have too much. Too many people.

[Ryan]

There are people, but also if you have kids, you should be forced to have more than one. For everyone was saying everyone who has one kid. You were one kid.

[Whitney]

Really?

[KFC]

There, Everyone. There is a little stigma to only child. But I'm saying I think if you do it, if it's like, like I know I didn't give you a sibling, so I'm gonna give you everything else. It might be awesome.

[Ryan]

But I mean once you're done being a kid, when, when you're an adult and I. Every time I've heard about an only child, I was like, yeah, like they're.

[KFC]

You mean like they're an in adult?

[Ryan]

Yeah, I knew you were an only child.

[Whitney]

But don't you think they're like, I'm an only child? I'm not an only child.

[Ryan]

No. I would have been shocked sitting on.

[Whitney]

This, on this couch, very hungover in my mid-30s right now. Parents didn't give a about me because their resources were strained.

[KFC]

Because there's three you gotta do is either you gotta have like 10 because then it's like you raise, you raise your siblings.

[Whitney]

Yes, yes.

[KFC]

It's when you get in, I mean, what do you have four?

[Ryan]

I'm one of four.

[Whitney]

You have four?

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[KFC]

No, no, he doesn't have any. He's one of four. His family is four.

[Ryan]

I. Why only because my dad got testicular cancer. I was gonna be more. It was gonna be like. I think six was. They wanted.

[KFC]

Wait, didn't we Find out was that was a lie.

[Ryan]

Well, Nemes. Nemesh Patel, he. He's got testicular cancer. And he's like, I can have kids still.

[KFC]

We think that his dad lied. It was like, I had test cancer. We can't anymore kids. Sorry.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

And thank God he did. If you had more children, you would be. You wouldn't be here right now. You'd be in Idaho working. Like, not that it's bad, but, like, in a factory or something.

[Ryan]

Well, that's why people had so many kids. Half of them were going to die. And then being 10 years old, work in the field.

[KFC]

Farm. The fields. Yeah. But that, like, that, I think, is probably changing literally as we speak right now, because I cannot fathom how much money, like, I do pretty goddamn well. And I'm like, these kids are expensive. And I have two.

[Ryan]

Like, if you have.

[KFC]

If I had to double that, all the. All the regular expenses, but then all the activities and all of the. If you're gonna pay for the weddings, if you're gonna pay for the college, if you're gonna do, like, all of that, the travel, the vacations, it's like, in this economy.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Yes.

[Ryan]

Three.

[KFC]

You're crazy.

[Whitney]

Genuine. I think if I was president, this is going to sound really dark and harsh. I would put a max of two children on every family. And also, once you hit 75, if you're ready to go, you can go.

[KFC]

We're very big proponents of that here.

[Whitney]

Making you stick around.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[KFC]

You know that the suicide pods in Switzerland, they made. They. It's like assisted suicide. You go to this clinic, they put you in this pod. It looks like something out of, like, Superman, like a little spaceship pod, and they push a button, and it, like, shoots nitrogen into the air, like, sucks the oxygen out, and you just, like, pass out and go to sleep. That dude is getting sued because, like, the first person that did it, there's footage of it, and he. He's, like, looking at the thing and he's like, peter, I think she's still alive. I think she's still alive. And, like, it didn't work right away. And then they found strangle marks on her neck.

[Ryan]

Hold on, hold on.

[KFC]

Like, something went wrong. And then they were like, we gotta, like. So that's gotta work out the kinks.

[Ryan]

I gotta work out the kinks.

[Whitney]

Oh, no, no, no. I just want, like. I want an insane dose of dmt.

[Ryan]

Well, that's what I was gonna say. Like, I. I find that fishy because it's like, even if it didn't work. They're in a medical facility. They wouldn't strangle her.

[Whitney]

And also, it was his ex wife.

[Ryan]

Like, they'd be like, ah, just hit her with morphine. Hit it with morphine. Or just jack up. Whatever the. Imagine a doctor because they're doctors. Like, the. She's still. Have you tried choking her out yet? A million.

[Whitney]

This is what she really wanted. This was according to plan.

[Ryan]

I mean, there's obviously the chance that they're very stupid, but, like, you're in a medical facility. There are more succinct ways to kill somebody.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

Than strangle them.

[KFC]

Yeah. Well, yeah, there's. We have a guy here, another podcast host who's. He's crazy and one of his fans has stage four cancer and he is probably not going to make it. He knows his terminal and he wants to. In Vermont, you can just get like, a pill and you just, like, fall asleep. And he wants to do, like, a live stream. Live comedy podcast, like, and he does it there.

[Ryan]

Whoa.

[KFC]

Which is like some crazy shit.

[Ryan]

Yes, Yes.

[Whitney]

I am so about going when you want to go and not adding more to this population. I'm like, yes.

[KFC]

I actually think, yes.

[Whitney]

Make death beautiful.

[Ryan]

It's very sick for him. But they want to do it a live show. And I was like, if you're in the crowd at the live show, like, it's gonna be cool. It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be cool.

[Whitney]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's dying on stage.

[Ryan]

He wants you.

[KFC]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, sold out theater. Wilbur Theater in Boston. Like, and then all of a sudden, there's just a dead guy on the stage.

[Whitney]

Is that legal?

[KFC]

They weren't gonna, like, it's a fine line. We're working on it. I think his exact text to me was, legally, it's a little bit precarious, dude.

[Whitney]

That guy is going, bro.

[KFC]

But it is kind of, you know.

[Whitney]

Netflix is picking this up. Okay.

[KFC]

Netflix got Dying Guy, so what's up with Dying Guy?

[Whitney]

Oh, my God, this guy's gonna be huge, dude. This guy's gonna be, like, special.

[KFC]

If that catches fire, that's like a Truman show live stream. The world might tune in. You might have, like, a billion people on Twitch.

[Whitney]

That is bad.

[Ryan]

But imagine being in the room when you're like, oh, God, there's just a dead guy on stage.

[KFC]

What do you do?

[Whitney]

But then what if you just heard gargling or something?

[KFC]

Like, shit's coming out of him. You're just like, oh, wait a minute. We didn't think that.

[Whitney]

And everybody has to be like, oh, it's beautiful. Oh, shit.

[Ryan]

I thought this was going to be a lot cooler than what it is right now.

[Whitney]

What if he just dies and then they're like like. So Sabrina Carpenter or Jacqueline?

[KFC]

Next segment.

[Whitney]

All right, on to C block.

[KFC]

Make sure you get your merch out front.

[Whitney]

Drop tabs, drink your athletic greens.

[KFC]

I think if there, if you, if you were president and you made the two. The two kid rule, it might actually be a relief. Like, you know, like, they're like, like, like as far every one person for every, like one mom or dad, that's like, I want to have five kids. There's like, probably 10 sane people who are like, no, but if you fall in love with one of those people, it's like, what do you do if there's like a rule like, we can't, honey, or we have to hide them in the barn or some. Then it's just like, hey, we're just going to have to.

[Whitney]

Exactly.

[KFC]

You're not allowed to.

[Whitney]

You're not allowed to.

[KFC]

China, though.

[Whitney]

They were killing. They were killing babies, right?

[KFC]

They put them in a shoebox box and just put them on the side of a mountain. So I think there's some unintended consequences.

[Whitney]

But I'm saying this. Yeah. Again.

[KFC]

Whatever.

[Whitney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a perfect. Or how about this? How about this? You have two kids. You, you get to write, you get tax deductions. Up to two kids. Once you hit three, we're charging you double.

[KFC]

Nice.

[Whitney]

No more tax deductions.

[Ryan]

Yeah, you.

[KFC]

I'll tell you what, people love to leave it in you. Jack those taxes up, people will be.

[Ryan]

Like, I'm not fucking you.

[Whitney]

Yes.

[KFC]

We're not risking that, honey.

[Whitney]

Yeah, yeah. This is a tax pull out, right? Yeah, I pulled out. I just saved $100,000.

[KFC]

You see that right there on your back?

[Ryan]

That's $100,000.

[Whitney]

That's 100,000 kids and $100,000.

[KFC]

Here's the towel. Wipe that 100 grand up, dude.

[Whitney]

Guys, I'll be worse than George Bush.

[Ryan]

Okay?

[Whitney]

But damn it, will we not be a rich country again? Also, you have to adopt it. For every child you have, you have to adopt a dog.

[KFC]

You're one of these dog people, huh?

[Whitney]

Oh, I'm, I.

[KFC]

We've gone too far with the dogs.

[Whitney]

I'm sorry, what? Saving dogs.

[KFC]

No, I don't say. I mean, yeah, saving dogs is good, but in New York, it's particularly tough. Like, there's dogs just everywhere.

[Whitney]

Oh.

[KFC]

Like in restaurants and on trains. Like, there's like dog walkers who have like a thousand of them and there's everywhere.

[Ryan]

The worst is when like you're at a bar that's like, we're dog friendly and like you said to sit there and listen to two like autistic dogs argue and you're like, this is awesome.

[KFC]

Awesome.

[Ryan]

I'm having fun right now. This is like, this is great. It's the way I love watching a football game.

[Whitney]

Their dog's going off and you look up and their owners are just holding hands, looking at each other, asking the.

[Ryan]

Bartender, can I get a bowl of water for my dog?

[Whitney]

Can my dog get an espresso martini already?

[Ryan]

This is the relaxing environment I enjoy when I come to a bar.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Do you have a dog? I lost in the divorce. Never married. No. The guy was dating in Atlanta when we were dating, we got a dog and that was, that's probably why I truly hung around.

[KFC]

You really should treat dogs like kids, like only get them if you are locking it down because oh yeah, it's gonna be a problem.

[Ryan]

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[Whitney]

Oh, it was like, it's still, I, I, I still go back to pretty much just for the dog.

[Ryan]

Really?

[Whitney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[KFC]

But you like see him?

[Whitney]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah.

[KFC]

You go back or you go back.

[Whitney]

Pretty much in la. No, I can't, I can't, I get. No, I still have like. So also I have my hair persons in Atlanta. I'm very bad with money.

[KFC]

You live in LA now?

[Whitney]

I live in la.

[KFC]

Atlanta, do your hair.

[Whitney]

Sometimes I take a red eye and I go from the red eye straight to the chair in Atlanta and I get my hair done and then I go do a show that night and then I go straight to the airport and I fly back. Guys, we could die at any moment. Okay, so spend your money.

[KFC]

So the career is going good. Yo, could you think about yourself probably what, like 10 years ago when you were like, you know, still on the come up. If I were gonna tell you, like you're gonna, you're probably eating like chef boy or D for terrified you're gonna take a red eye to get your hair done in five years.

[Whitney]

It, I would be like, it's quick though. I feel like it does. And I can't stress enough. I don't, I shouldn't be like I, I can't, I shouldn't be.

[KFC]

But that's why when you don't have kids, I know, like, I can't even imagine if I didn't have kids, like the money would. It's just like you, you, you don't even need to be like, like rich rich if you don't have kids, do you just make A decent salary and you just spend it on yourself.

[Whitney]

It's like, it doesn't matter. I was just like, oh my God, it's so cold outside. I don't want to take the train. And I got a $60 uber cuz nothing matters. Like, it's so fun. And. And if I go in like to debt or I'm homeless, it's just me up there, baby.

[KFC]

Whatever, dude.

[Whitney]

I'll be fine. I'll go to Thailand and be a bartender for like six months and get it all back and be back. It doesn't matter. Never have children, never get dogs and live it the up.

[Ryan]

That really is the best part of is like no matter what situation I'm put in, I'm like, I'll survive.

[Whitney]

Yes.

[Ryan]

Like I might. I'll fucking. I'll handle it. It might not be what I want to do or ideal, but like there's nothing. I don't have anyone else to worry. I'm not worried about some other kid. I'm like, I'll be fine.

[Whitney]

Yeah. I just did my. My first family list Thanksgiving and it was fantastic. I think this is why I'm like partying more than ever. Cuz all my other friends are getting their together because they have children and almost divorces and so I'm. Yeah. And I'm like, no, guys, let's go this way. This is fun. Let's keep partying. Yeah, that I'm. I. This is when I run for office. Two kids max, rescue dog. You can go when you want to go. And what was my. Wait, what was my other was my third one. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it was something about donkeys. I don't know. I don't know what it was. But like we're worried about the wrong things. We're worried about like health care and like the border when we really should just be worried about like just. Just like minimizing like being minimalistic in our own house.

[Ryan]

Vote for you.

[KFC]

Yeah, I love. I love just.

[Ryan]

And donkeys. And of course the donkeys.

[Whitney]

Guys, have you started following like donkey. Like Instagrams?

[Ryan]

You guys, do you say this to other. I feel like it was so normal. Is that you say to regular people, there's something about us. And you go, I bet these guys are donkey guys.

[Whitney]

You guys, you haven't. You haven't gone down the donkey rabbit hole yet, dude. Oh my God. Give a donkey. There's a donkey that's obsessed with rubber chicken. Guys, you're gonna get a donkey within minutes after you see this video.

[KFC]

I promise you, I'm not getting a donkey.

[Whitney]

So they're the donkeys.

[KFC]

Is there one. Is there, like, a famous one?

[Whitney]

Can you do the donkey with the. With the. The. He flips his. When. When they, like. Like, his fans will send them new rubber chickens.

[KFC]

Okay.

[Whitney]

And so the. The woman will walk up to the fence with the rubber chicken, and he loses his damn mind.

[KFC]

It's so entertaining. This guy right here.

[Whitney]

Oh, God.

[Ryan]

Just simple and happy.

[KFC]

Here's your rubber chicken, bro.

[Whitney]

He's flipping his shit right now.

[KFC]

He's in a television show.

[Whitney]

It's like a pirate rubber chicken. Look at this. Oh, Lucy sees ears. Look at his freaking face. Look at that snow. He's giving my damn chicken. Mom, is this it?

[KFC]

And then what would you do if you found, like.

[Whitney]

Sorry, sorry, I broke the mic. Sorry.

[KFC]

What would you do if you found Mr. Right? Everything's perfect. But he is anti donkey. Specifically is like, I fucking hate donkeys.

[Whitney]

I'm gonna go. I.

[KFC]

Everything else is perfect.

[Whitney]

It's not perfect. I'll go. I'll go look for. I'll go look for Mrs. Right. Oh, that was it. That was it. Everybody. You accept that everybody's always just a little bit gay, and that's okay. That was my fourth stance. Gay. My fourth stance was gay. Wasn't even a thing. Because it's just normal. Yeah, it's just like gay. Being gay is being straight.

[Ryan]

I think Jackie said that before. Was it 25% gay?

[Whitney]

Everybody's 25% gay.

[KFC]

Perfect amount of gay is like.

[Ryan]

Yeah, like 25.

[KFC]

25 is a little.

[Ryan]

Yeah, I. I skewed those numbers my way a bit. I think 60%, 49% gay. Like, right on the precipice. Right.

[Whitney]

If you kiss the same sex less than four times a year, you're straight.

[Ryan]

All right, dude, I'm in on that.

[Whitney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you get four fun nights.

[Ryan]

That's a fair rule. Don't make it three. Don't make it three.

[Whitney]

No, no, no, no. Four times. You're still straight. I think that that would lose a lot of, like, pent upness.

[KFC]

There's a spring. There was the summer.

[Whitney]

Yeah. You're not gay on vacation.

[Ryan]

Like, you can do.

[Whitney]

You do whatever you want on vacation. As long as vacation, it's not gay.

[Ryan]

That's fair. So I've always thought that money, alcoholism, and hangovers don't exist on f. On vacation. Like, it's just sexuality now. Sexuality on the list.

[Whitney]

Everything is. Everything is everything. So you know what I'm saying? You can do whatever you want. No labels. And there's no shame. It's just. You're on vacation.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

You're on vacation from your mind.

[Ryan]

I took a good vacation, dude.

[Whitney]

Yeah, that guy. I was just in Aruba. It's freaking great, dude.

[Ryan]

Oh, my God.

[Whitney]

Think about all the shame would go way. There'd be so much less. Less, like, there be so many less men fighting their dads if you were just like, you're not.

[KFC]

This is mostly a dude thing, right? Yeah, we kind of already do this with chicks a little bit.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Yeah, pass.

[KFC]

You know.

[Whitney]

Yeah. Girls can just. I honestly, I think. I think you're gay as a woman. If, like, I don't know, you're like. If you're like 65 and you're scissoring. I think that's the only point when you're a gay.

[KFC]

Well, then before that, you're just around.

[Whitney]

Yeah, you're just a girl. You're just having a time.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

We did a live stream the other night and we were. Can't sleep. We're doing a live stream here at the office. And Brianna came on. Brianna Chicken fry.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

Very famous person. She's on the show, we're talking, and she just casually is like, I might be a lesbian now. And I think every girl says that. And everyone's like, oh, really? What word? Like, if Mook was like, by the way, guys, I might be gay, we'd be like, what? Like, it was so true. We like. Like, it was a hiccup. When Brianna mentioned. Mentioned that, we. We called it back a few times. But, like, when she first mentioned it, it was a hiccup. If Mook had said that, we'd be like, what are you talking about?

[KFC]

I saw a video that was viral the other day that was like, if it was like, a guy, the premise was a guy coming out to his girlfriend and her being like, it's cool as long as I can watch. Like, it would just never happen.

[Ryan]

Right?

[KFC]

The girl would never be like, as long as I can watch you. That dude. Like, you know, whatever. Yeah, that's the direction is with girls.

[Whitney]

Well, one with girls. If your boyfriend says that they're gay, your competition has just skyrocketed because gay men are so much more fashionable and mean and sassy and fit than you. So you're like, shit, now I'm not even worried about a girl with great fake tits. Now I have to worry about this really sassy mean guy who takes care.

[Ryan]

Of his butthole probably.

[Whitney]

Yes. Way more than I do. I've got hair extensions to worry about. You think I'm going to shave my butthole all the time. People shaved about. Also, you realize, like, girls, like, girls can just go through, like, they can date a girl for a second. Right. Then they come back, and then they come back and you'll not. You're not like, you're gay. You're just like.

[Ryan]

Right.

[Whitney]

Yeah. You just had a girlfriend.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

You said a girlfriend for a second.

[KFC]

She's hot.

[Whitney]

Yeah. But if a guy's like, yeah, I dated a guy for a year and a half.

[KFC]

I like, I think this is on you guys. I think if girls were like, that's hot. Hot, it would maybe happen more often.

[Ryan]

Yeah, yeah. But also, to be fair, like, I think it's probably not that hot.

[KFC]

There's something inherently.

[Whitney]

No, because that's more competition for us.

[Ryan]

Not nearly as hot girls that guy.

[Whitney]

Because guys are hotter. Like.

[KFC]

Well, no, no, no. Girls are hotter.

[Ryan]

Girls are definitive. That's why it's accepted.

[KFC]

You're thinking of, like, the stereotypical gay guy.

[Whitney]

I can't compete with him.

[KFC]

But, like, a regular dude is not hotter than a girl. Girls are hot.

[Whitney]

They don't.

[KFC]

They're smooth. They're regular guys. You're not going to be like, oh, you, like, hooked up with, like, Frank at the bar.

[Whitney]

It's like you're thinking like, two plumbers are hooking up.

[KFC]

Well, you know, the rest. The whole world is not a bunch of hot, sassy gay guys.

[Ryan]

No, with guys it's different. With guys, the. The norm is, like, disgusting. You're all gross. With girls, it's just hot chicks, just hot chicken.

[Whitney]

So I think if I get with a girl, she's going to be like. She's going to be like. She's going to carry me on her back. You know what I'm saying? She's going to be a little rough. I see girls as rough. Like, I see them as like rugby. Rugby playing, you know? I mean.

[Ryan]

Really?

[Whitney]

Yeah. Like. Like, I'm going to make you soup, but I'm probably going to spit in it kind of thing. I don't know why. Maybe that's just my type. I don't know.

[Ryan]

That's how you look at women.

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

That's the most misogynist thing I've ever heard.

[Whitney]

I made you some. I don't know why. Maybe it's just my tummy.

[Ryan]

That's just my.

[KFC]

Don't feed the doggy.

[Whitney]

I'm gonna spit your soup, guys. Oh, no. I'm just finding out I like to be Abused.

[KFC]

Crazy.

[Whitney]

Yeah. I don't. I guess that's it. Like, I'm like, if I go date a girl, she's probably gonna be like, like pretty pretty, you know, rugged. And then like, if my boyfriend or like if I dated somebody, he went with a guy, I would assume he would be.

[KFC]

Oh, I guess that kind of makes sense. A beautiful piece, a little more masculine. Where a guy going gay becomes a little more feminine.

[Whitney]

Yes. Probably because we were in a straight relationship before, so the people we date afterwards, even if they're same sex, are gonna match. Like that match the opposite sex kind of.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

Thing. Yeah. I guess you guys are complicated because.

[KFC]

When you're president, none of this will matter. Just like you fuck. Whatever.

[Ryan]

It is very deep.

[Whitney]

Save this country.

[Ryan]

My. My sister's gay. And we were talking to her girlfriend. She lives with her girlfriend.

[Whitney]

Are they both hot?

[Ryan]

They're both good looking people. Yeah, good answer. My sister's so hot. And. But there she was like, this is the problem because there Thanksgiving just ended. We're talking about who's gonna sell decorate for Christmas, like right away or if you're waiting. And her girlfriend was like, yeah, I don't know. This kind of sucks for us. Like, we don't have someone who's like, I'll go outside and start hanging y. Yeah, yeah.

[KFC]

Who's taking out the garbage, who's doing all the shitty stuff. Yeah.

[Whitney]

They're both like, we just want to hang some garland. Yeah, yeah, memento. That's it.

[Ryan]

This is where it gets negative, being in same sex relationships.

[Whitney]

Dude. In Atlanta, when we were moving, we, we looked to like, we go to Home Depot and ask some guys just to help, like move us for the day. And we gave them like, we asked like a, like 20 an hour. And they were like, they like laughed at us. They were like, no, we won't even start from $40 an hour.

[KFC]

Yeah.

[Whitney]

I was like, dude, I. I nannied for less than this. Eight years, Are you kidding me?

[Ryan]

The next day, Catherine was at Home Depot. Like 50 bucks.

[Whitney]

I'll. I'll put up your Christmas decorations for 75 an hour in my.

[KFC]

What do you, what do you got these days? You touring? You got shows? We got.

[Whitney]

Oh, I got a special.

[KFC]

Special.

[Whitney]

I have a special coming out tomorrow.

[Ryan]

Tomorrow?

[Whitney]

Well, it'll be. It's out December 5th. It's free. It's on you YouTube. It's called Catholic Cowgirl. I'm obsessed with Beyonce. So I filmed it in Houston, March 29, the day she dropped Cowboy Carter. And I have A Renaissance horse on stage.

[Ryan]

Really?

[KFC]

Do you have a dead guy?

[Whitney]

What?

[KFC]

You have a dead guy up there?

[Whitney]

No. That's what I need. I need to save space for next special. I can't do it all in the first special. What if I bring a guy to life?

[Ryan]

What if I birth a man? Oh, that's not even a baby.

[Whitney]

I bring a giant man out of my vagina.

[Ryan]

Wow.

[Whitney]

That would be amazing. I'll never walk again, but that would be okay. So, yeah, it's on YouTube, and I'm just wearing a really cute outfit, and there's a horse divorce on stage, so.

[KFC]

And the hair extensions. Oh, yeah.

[Whitney]

And I have hair.

[Ryan]

Really?

[KFC]

About the hair?

[Whitney]

Yeah.

[KFC]

You don't know if you guys knew that Catherine has Eric.

[Whitney]

Guys, like, it's like it's life changing. Is it really?

[Ryan]

I feel like.

[KFC]

When. When did you get them? Like, like the first couple times you were here, you did not have them?

[Whitney]

No.

[KFC]

Oh, you look the same.

[Whitney]

No. You can't even remember.

[Ryan]

You look so different, dude.

[Whitney]

I know.

[KFC]

It was worth every penny.

[Whitney]

You should fly to Atlanta again, guys, it's like I. I immediately started making more money when I had these.

[KFC]

Did you really, though? Did you feel a difference?

[Whitney]

For sure? Yes. Viewership went up. I haven't paid for a meal yet. Great. Guys. Don't look in the back, though. The weft always sticks out in the back. So I just never stand in front of anyone ever again. But it's worth it.

[KFC]

You're just constantly moving in a circle.

[Ryan]

No, no, take it by me.

[KFC]

Take it by me.

[Whitney]

Yeah. What you trying to do here, slick?

[KFC]

I'll go to the back a lot. I'll wait in the back.

[Whitney]

Everyone can cut me. What you trying to do here?

[KFC]

All right. You're a blast as a whole.

[Whitney]

Thank you. Thank you, guys for having me.

[Ryan]

Thank you so much.

[Whitney]

Toodles. Bye.