#737 - IAN BAGG + BRIAN HOLTMAN

Summary

Kill Tony #737 – Ian Bagg + Brian Holtzman (September 30, 2025)

Overview

In this episode of Kill Tony, host Tony Hinchcliffe, co-host Brian Redban, and the legendary house band gather at the Comedy Mothership in Austin for another unpredictable night of stand-up chaos. The night’s panel features master improviser Ian Bagg and the notorious, darkly hilarious Brian Holtzman. Together, they roast, riff, and mentor a fresh crop of comedians—ranging from rising stars to absolute rookies—pulled at random from the bucket. Tonight’s show is jammed with wild improvisation, unsparing interviews, physical bits (yo-yos! Rubik’s Cubes! drum-offs!), moving moments, and plenty of classic Kill Tony savagery.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Highlights

1. Introduction & Panel Chemistry (00:00–04:27)

• Tony Hinchcliffe introduces the show, the sponsors, the band, and the rules: 1 minute of unbroken stand-up per comic, followed by interviews and feedback.
• Special Guests: Ian Bagg (rapid-fire crowd work, gleeful comic anxiety) and Brian Holtzman (unfiltered, menacing, unpredictable energy).
  • “I love Ryan, but I'm terrified.” – Ian Bagg (04:27)
  • “I've been looking down at you.” – Brian Holtzman to Tony (04:46)

2. Opening Comedian: Colt McNeely (06:58–13:13)

• Colt’s Set: Jokes about living alone, politically charged times, yo-yo bartenders, and gay bars.
• Panel's Take: Ian praises Colt’s dense minute; Holtzman invites him to an ominous “writing session”; Tony pokes fun at Colt’s humble promo routine.
• Notable Moment: Colt yo-yos on stage (10:31): “Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth. Somehow crushing the late night shows...” – Tony (10:32)
• Banter: Holtzman threatens to “insert it in your ass” referring to the yo-yo (11:22), riffing sets an outrageous tone for the night.

3. The Open Mic Gauntlet: Roasts, Revelations, and Backstories

Mike Holloway (14:24–20:08)

• Jokes: Trans athletes, midget wrestling, edgy Disney bit.
• Panel digs into his sedentary lifestyle and love life.
  • “You seem like the kind of guy that just absolutely pleases himself.” – Tony (18:33)
  • Holtzman: “I want to try to get up inside that thing.” (19:15)

Sarah Sloan (22:25–29:10)

• Jokes: Gym pooping, Helen Keller, Christian guilt, and date stories.
• Tony highlights her “unbelievable growth” since last appearance.
  • “I'm probably more Christian now than before I started the job.” – Sarah (28:02)
• Memorable horse noise impression (29:00)

J.J. Alexander (30:34–39:33)

• Glasses as disguise bit, Rubik’s Cube solve on stage (34:21)
• Awarded a Golden Ticket – tears up on mic:
  • “You just changed my life, man. Thank you, Tony.” (39:02)
• Life story: Quit Colorado, bunking in Austin to chase stand-up dream.

Fern (40:56–48:52)

• Edgy jokes about Down syndrome cousin and cats named "Meowschwitz"
• Life: Window washer, fell out of a two-story window as a baby.
  • “I've always loved the views and I've always taken a jump.” (45:21)

Stephen Dozier ("Forrest Gump" / drum off) (48:56–67:13)

• Old-school “Forrest Gump” character set, rebooted minute about “selective Tourette’s”
• Reveals he retired as a financial advisor, lost wife to suicide (55:32), now writes comedy and trains cats.
• Mexican Drum Off: Holds his own; musicians join in the crazy jam session (60:52–64:47).
  • “Maybe I'll use that later.” – Ian Bagg, roasting his “save the best for after” approach (51:10)

Tommy Tickles (68:38–76:09)

• Taxidermy, marriage barter jokes, risky wordplay on “renege”
• Explains “Tommy Tickle” – a butt-cheek-swapping cunnilingus technique (74:07), offers coconut oil lube tips.

Jeremiah Bishop (76:39–86:32)

• 4 months sober, coke jokes, face/groin tattoos, “hobo-sexual” (80:58), and admits to making explicit content for money.
• Twitter handle “Daddy Dick Wolf” plugs his NSFW side-hustle, shocking the panel.

Hell’s Bells (87:20–93:40)

• Debut set about a transgender classmate; inspired to try stand-up by her much younger Latino boyfriend.
• Telemedicine nurse, community advocate. Great-natured under panel’s ribbing.
  • “Turns out you do have bigger balls than Alex after all.” – Tony (93:11)

JP Hinsdale (94:09–104:20)

• Fat jokes, struggles with bipolar disorder, lengthy tangent about pool infection, broken leg, never seeing doctors, weighs in at 445.4 lbs onstage.
• Pokes fun at dire health circumstances; Holtzman goes “full grandpa” with health advice.

Isaac Butterfield (Australian pro, 104:57–112:57)

• Polished roast: Austin strangeness, explicit JFK references, Barbie with Down syndrome bit.
• Reveals rare neurological disorder (paroxysmal dyskinesia) makes him wink: “My biggest fear is it happening on stage.”
• Tours with family; discusses challenges of comedy visa process.

4. Feature: Mexican Drum-Off (60:19–65:52)

• Unexpected bonus: Stephen Dozier challenges Michael Gonzalez; brings rare energy; band/crowd love it.

5. Headliner: Timmy No Bricks (114:47–122:30)

• William Montgomery is out; Timmy fills in, reading William’s purposely offensive joke list with meta commentary.
• Pure anarchy: “If you’re trying to be a comedian and that’s your dream, fucking quit. You’re never gonna make it.” (120:28)
• Afterwards, wild riffing about road gigs, backstage antics, and fake disputes.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Tony Hinchcliffe: “Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth. Somehow crushing the late night shows...” (10:32)
• J.J. Alexander (on winning golden ticket): “You just changed my life, man. Thank you, Tony. Let’s go.” (39:02)
• Ian Bagg (to Tony, on panel chemistry): “Very exciting. And terrified of Brian. It’s a perfect commentary match.” (04:20)
• Brian Holtzman (to Sarah): “I really appreciate it. Your stage presence is wonderful. [...] I can’t understand why [Helen Keller is] who she is... Maybe keep the door from shutting.” (25:13)
• Tony Hinchcliffe (to an awkward contestant): “You look like you have haven’t taken a shit in a year.” (96:27)
• Panel, discovering a comic’s explicit side hustle: “How could you not mention this? This on a interview? It’s been eight minutes and now you find out that you stroke a [dick] for a living... That’s what you should be talking about.” (86:16)
• Brian Holtzman: “The fatter your head, the smaller your ears.” (102:33)
• JP Hinsdale: “You have such an adorable giggle. It’s going to play so well in the In Memorium video, though.” (103:22)
• Isaac Butterfield: “Diabetes causes blindness eventually, right?” (109:32)
• Timmy No Bricks: “If you’re trying to be a comedian and that’s your dream, fucking quit. You’re never gonna make it.” (120:28)

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Timeline of Important Segments

• 00:00–04:27 – Warmup, panel introductions, show rules
• 06:58–13:13 – Colt McNeely: opening set and yo-yo spectacle
• 14:24–20:08 – Mike Holloway interview and roast
• 22:25–29:10 – Sarah Sloan: set, interview, and horse impression
• 30:34–39:33 – J.J. Alexander: stand-up, Rubik’s Cube challenge, golden ticket win
• 40:56–48:52 – Fern: stand-up & window washer backstory
• 48:56–67:13 – Stephen Dozier: Forrest Gump bit, interview, drum-off
• 68:38–76:09 – Tommy Tickles: set, Q&A, and sex technique lesson
• 76:39–86:32 – Jeremiah Bishop: sobriety, tattoos, explicit cam work
• 87:20–93:40 – Hell’s Bells: stand-up debut, nurse backstory
• 94:09–104:20 – JP Hinsdale: depression, weight, and health stories, live scale weigh-in
• 104:57–112:57 – Isaac Butterfield: Austrailan pro comic’s big debut, medical condition, riffing with panel
• 114:47–122:30 – Timmy No Bricks: closing chaos, meta-commentary on comedy dreams and panel pranks

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Tone and Atmosphere

• Unfiltered and anarchic – Tony, Ian, and Holtzman lean into dark riffs, raw honesty, and fast-paced one-liners.
• Supportive mentorship among savagery – sincere encouragement often buried in the chaos.
• Physical and participatory bits – yo-yos, Rubik’s Cubes, on-stage weigh-ins, drum-offs, and more involve both comics and crowd.

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Closing Thoughts

This episode embodies everything Kill Tony is about: a high-wire act of stand-up, spirited panel philosophy, deranged improv, and the live evolution of comics in real time. With new stars minted (J.J. Alexander’s golden ticket), icons returning, and panelists firing on all cylinders, episode #737 captures the combustible, celebratory spirit that keeps Kill Tony the most unpredictable—and compelling—comedy show in podcasting.

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For New Listeners:

Whether you're a die-hard fan or dropping in for the first time, this episode is a must-hear for its unique combination of killer comedy, unpredictability, and too-real moments. Every comic’s story, victory, and humiliation is on display, punctuated by the relentless riffing, warmth, and madness that only Kill Tony can deliver.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hedge. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yeah.

[Hell's Bells]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Baron, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. Huevos rancheros, Mio Amayo. We got Matt, Brazilian Matt, Brazilian Matt. Oh, it's Eli. Okay, Eli, everybody. That's right, Brazilian Eli. John D's on the keys. And this here, believe it or not, D, madness in the house. Oh, my God, how exciting. Is this a brand new episode of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by BlueChew, Zip Recruiter and Shopify. My God, pure momentum. We're having the time of our lives and tonight's episode will be no different. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I book this show every week and one of the things that I've been loving doing lately is, you know, making little chemistry stuff sets matching up people just right. Your Rob Schneiders and Donnell Rawlings, if you will. Your triple H's and carrot tops, if you will. This week, no different. Two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth. One, a master improviser, famous for his unbelievable crowd work. The other, one of the true dark forces of all of stage stand up comedy. An absolute man known for closing every show in the main room of the Comedy Store. And now, the Mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, two of my favorites. Make some noise for Ian Bagg and Brian Holtzman. Oh, my God. Ian Bagg, gangster Kill Tony legend Brian Holtzman. Oh, my goodness, yes. What a panel we have here tonight. Brian Holtzman is back. The Duke of Darkness. Hi, Brian. Hi. Talking to. Say something into the microphone for the people.

[Brian Holtzman]

How's everybody doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yahoo.

[Brian Holtzman]

Shit kicking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to have fun with Brian and the great Ian Bag is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hot off a weekend here.

[Ian Bagg]

Hello, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second time on this show. We had very exciting fun last time.

[Ian Bagg]

Very exciting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pumped to have you back.

[Ian Bagg]

Very exciting. And terrified of Brian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a perfect commentary match. It really is.

[Mike Holloway]

Just.

[Ian Bagg]

I love Ryan, but I'm terrified.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we all are. He keeps us on our toes. I've known Brian now for 18 and a half years. I've been. I've been looking up to him and he's. I consider him a mentor. These work a lot better. Again, if you use that microphone, Brian, I promise, again, he's 40.

[Brian Holtzman]

I've been looking down at you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

45 years in the industry still doesn't realize that the microphone is a critical part of show business. Famous for doing jokes off the mic, crushing off the mic. I love these guys. We're gonna have so much fun. You guys know how it works. About 300 human souls signed up for this bucket. They are all crammed into a bar next door. Some of them, some of the most talented upcoming comedians from all around the world. Some of them completely mentally ill people. Some of them have never even tried stand up before. Some of them have done it every night for a decade and a half. Anything can happen. I'm going to have this Puerto Rican outlaw pick the first name. Definitely a guy on the run from the police right now. Nowhere better to hide than the front row of a comedy show. We're gonna have fun. While we go wrangle that person. I'm gonna tell you what happens when they get up here. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview with them. They hear from our esteemed panel, and we have a lot of fun. The entire thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Yeah. Yeah. A lot of our golden ticket and regulars are out on the road tonight. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, one of our great, great team members here that we've known forever. We found them in Dallas, I think six, seven, eight years ago. He famously was a good high kicker. He once kicked a. Tried to kick a water bottle off Jeremiah's head and kicked him in the head. A lot of fun stuff, fun history with this kid. He works hard. He works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We ladies and gentlemen, doing the first minute of the night, make some noise for Colt McNeely, everybody. Here comes Colt.

[Colt McNeely]

Hey, what's up? How are you? Oh, man. A little bit about me. I just got my own place. Thank you. I love this place. New apartment. My favorite thing about it is it doesn't come with a bitch who hates me. Fellas, thanks for coming out, guys. You know, I think things are a little too political now. Would you agree?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right.

[Colt McNeely]

You know, I miss when Antifa was just my black friend's cool aunt, you know? Antifa. I miss that lady, you know? Thank you. Thanks for coming out, guys. Oh, man. You know, I love the gays. They're great, right? They're not doing too much. I've never been. But I hear a lot of good things about gay bars. You know, I heard they pour heavier drinks than they do at straight bars. Have you heard this? Right. I think it's because the bartenders are pouring the drinks like this. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cole, what a great size, that. Thanks, Tony. Hi, Ryan. That was amazing, Ryan.

[Colt McNeely]

Hello, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really came through.

[Colt McNeely]

Thank you, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time I saw you was behind the curtain about 10 minutes ago. And I told you, you're opening up the show. Quote, don't suck.

[Colt McNeely]

Yeah, guys, no pressure, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The look on his face did change when I said it, by the way. It was like he was real excited. And then when I said, don't suck, it kind of just, like, went like that. Kind of felt bad. I thought maybe being such a direct head coach wasn't a good idea. But then you came out.

[Sarah Sloan]

It works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It works. It works.

[Colt McNeely]

Pressure makes diamonds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess you're goddamn right. And that's what you are.

[Colt McNeely]

Coming out a little diamond.

[Ian Bagg]

It was impressive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

How much stuff he could get in in one minute, he went from the gays to being alone to being drunk.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, man, there's a lot to talk about.

[Ian Bagg]

Sucking two dicks at one time. Very impressive.

[Colt McNeely]

Thank you, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're welcome. We love it.

[Brian Holtzman]

Yes, Holtzman, I was very impressed. And I have a little comedy writing session in my place. You are welcome anytime. Hell, yeah. Starts about 12 at night. And it'll just be you and I.

[Colt McNeely]

I'll bring my grippy socks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, yeah. Hell, yeah. Cole, tell us about you. Tell these people.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know that you work here with us. You're a big part of the team. You've been hust wrestling all around. You've been part of the Tony production crew forever.

[Colt McNeely]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else?

[Colt McNeely]

Work at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club? Brian Red Bands Club?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Colt McNeely]

Make noise. Yeah, I run sound over there. I do spots. I'm like a regular over there, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a.

[Colt McNeely]

We have a show every Wednesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Jesus. Cold. I mean, how about something else other than. Oh, man, plugging gay.

[Colt McNeely]

I don't know. I just got a. I just got a sponsorship for a yo yo club or a yo yo team. I'm a professional yo yoer now. Thank you.

[Brian Holtzman]

That's pretty boring.

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[J.J. Alexander]

Wow.

[Ian Bagg]

Seems like you might only have a minute worth of material.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Colt McNeely]

I don't know.

[Ian Bagg]

Right to the yo Yo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you have a yo yo on you?

[Colt McNeely]

I do, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Guys, I need some yo yo music. What do we got? Yo Yo. We need yo yo music. We got yo everybody. We got yo yo music. We got yo yo music. Hey. Whoa. Wow. Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth. Somehow crushing the late night shows better numbers than snl and somehow. Wow. What a flex. Oh, my God. There must be so many knots. Unbelievable.

[Colt McNeely]

Thank you for coming out. For real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you for coming out. Yes, they came out for that.

[Brian Holtzman]

Thank you, guys. I'm a fan now. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go.

[Brian Holtzman]

Bring that to the apartment and I'll try to insert it in your ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[Colt McNeely]

Holy.

[Brian Holtzman]

Pull it out real slow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Oh, my God.

[Ian Bagg]

I had no idea this about Brian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyway, thank you.

[Colt McNeely]

Thanks for coming in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. All right, cool. Other than yo yoing, you good at anything else? What else?

[Colt McNeely]

Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, perfect.

[Colt McNeely]

I'm really good at setting up this table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that is true. Yeah.

[Colt McNeely]

It's a lot of work, guys. It's like a puzzle. It comes apart. Some little. Little behind the scenes for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. For those of you die hard fans that ever wonder. I wonder how long it takes to put the table together.

[Colt McNeely]

18 minutes is the record.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hour and 18 minutes. Yeah.

[Colt McNeely]

Coming out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Filled with LED lights. It's very strategic. There's little sound monitors, there's little video monitors that we don't use for the home shows, only for arenas. It's a whole thing. It's a big deal. I just heard the sound of 15,000 people turning off the show just then. Did you guys hear that?

[Ian Bagg]

That was the most amazing, humble brag I've ever heard in my life.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I've got a table that's got things in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was a long time. We had fucking. You should have seen some of the tables we've dealt with over the years, man.

[Isaac Butterfield]

I bet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Ian Bagg]

How many yo yos have he gone through?

[Colt McNeely]

Oh, too many to count, man.

[Ian Bagg]

And I got another question. Remember how you said you're not living with a anymore after seeing your. Yo yo? Was that your mom?

[Colt McNeely]

Anyways, it was. She does hate me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Colt, you did it. A fantastic way to start the show. Put on your headset and get back to the. Oh, what was that? You got a gift from Holtzman. What is it?

[Colt McNeely]

I'm gonna wash my mouth out with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You naughty boy. Fix the mic. You're. You work here, remember? There you go. There he goes. He got a Boris. So Brian Holtzman famously gives gifts to each. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The lovely Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. New website, heidi regina.com. she's got sponsors and shit. She's fucking killing it. The real deal. A modern day Vanna White. One more time for Heidi, everybody. And so it has begun. And now we get to the down and dirty. Our first bucket pull of the night. This person, no matter who or what they are, had no idea that they were going to be on the biggest comedy show in the world. Ten minutes ago, you saw this thug pull his name out of a bucket. And now he will be performing live. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Holloway, everybody. Mike Holloway. There are a lot of people who

[Mike Holloway]

are really upset about trans women getting into women's sports. I disagree. I myself am considering identifying as a little person and getting into midget wrestling. I'll call myself Andre the average fuck up. Seven dwarves at once. Just like Disney. Speaking of Disney, I hear Disney is going to do a live action Cinderella. Yeah, it's going to star Elliot Page as Cinderella, who wants to be a prince, and Dylan Mulvaney as the fairy godmother who waves a tampon like a wand and says, figgity faggoty food and poof, there's Prince Cinderello.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Mike Holloway. Heck, yeah. Welcome to the show. Mike, is this your first time on?

[Mike Holloway]

No, second time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time you were on, did I tell you that you look like Sid? Yeah, from the Toy Story.

[Mike Holloway]

Actually, I think it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. Yeah. It's all I can say. Who was it? Mark Norman.

[Brian Holtzman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Stephen Dozier]

I see it.

[Ian Bagg]

And how do you not talk about that coming back? You were here before. He gave you a joke and you said it. I'm going with the transgenders.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, man, put it together.

[Mike Holloway]

Not his.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mike Holloway, how long you been doing stand up?

[Mike Holloway]

A little over five years. Like six years. Okay, we're at started in KC. Okay, Kansas City.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey. How about JoJo? Did you ever start in JoJo? I don't know what that is. All your life, you prayed for someone like me. You see where I'm getting here? Okay. Mike Holloway. What do you do for work?

[Mike Holloway]

I just got a new job at Tapville Social.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At what?

[Mike Holloway]

Tapville Social. It's a new restaurant and bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Mike Holloway]

Up by the campus. And the Moody Center.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That's a good plug for them. What's good on their menu? What have they got good over there?

[Mike Holloway]

Tower of Nachos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, that's exactly what it looks like you'd be slinging.

[Mike Holloway]

Hey, they got great shit, too. They got. They got a steak frites. It's very fancy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Steak frites. How big is this tower of Nachos? Is it true?

[Ian Bagg]

Drum kit?

[Mike Holloway]

It's about. It's about that high.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a tower that red band wants to 9 11. You know what I'm saying? Go head first right into it. Bring down. Bring down that tower.

[Ian Bagg]

How's your Yo Yo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Terrible.

[Ian Bagg]

You can't play Yo Yo?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Ian Bagg]

You might want to think about it.

[Mike Holloway]

I can go up and down, but that's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that it's Play Yo Yo. Right now Colt's like, oh, man, we don't play Yo Yo. You just Yo Yo.

[Ian Bagg]

Is that what it is? I have no idea. It's been so many decades since I've seen one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Ian Bagg]

I was just like, holy Fawcett's gonna be here tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got nothing. You don't have a Slinky or anything on, you know, cards or anything.

[Ian Bagg]

He looks like he came from a toy box and he hasn't.

[Stephen Dozier]

They took everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun, Mike Holloway?

[Mike Holloway]

I don't do much for fun anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Geez. Wow.

[Mike Holloway]

Because I'm working and doing comedy, but I like to play disc golf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else?

[Mike Holloway]

I like to go fishing. I like to play video games, but I don't have my computer down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Goodness. It's a real, real bunch of bunch.

[Mike Holloway]

I like to do a lot of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that it? Did you just list it all and then you said a lot of stuff?

[Mike Holloway]

Other stuff that didn't come to mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. What's your love life like, exactly? Because you seem like the kind of guy that just absolutely pleases himself. Yes. Holtzman is seeing what I see here. You seem like a guy that just jerks off when you first wake up and you have low testosterone for the rest of the day, and you just don't even worry about that type of right?

[Mike Holloway]

Pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. He's giving up. He's just like, yeah, whatever you're gonna say.

[Ian Bagg]

I don't give a you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I want.

[Ian Bagg]

Great. On his third time, I want to

[Brian Holtzman]

invite you to the writing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you gonna do with him? What are you gonna do? I mean, you already have Colton. A yo yo.

[Brian Holtzman]

I'm gonna do the same thing I'm gonna do with y boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Brian Holtzman]

Try to get up inside that thing. Oh, I like the way you part your teeth in the middle. I love it. I really love it. I like the way that t shirt hangs off your shoulders. Can I say I really, just really want to just you. I don't know if that's bad taste. I don't know.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

But

[Brian Holtzman]

checked with Mark Marin. He said I could say that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

he is. You gotta check in with him. Nowadays, it's a real big deal. He. He's the police. He decides what everyone can talk about. I love it. Mike, give us something else crazy about your light.

[Mike Holloway]

There's recently. I recently crashed a bird scooter and up my knee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Mike Holloway]

So, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that happen?

[Mike Holloway]

On the way to work, I was just. I got. It was kind of a wobbly one and I got. I was too cocky and was going too fast in a narrow, bumpy area and lost control.

[Ian Bagg]

Let me get this straight. You've got a credit card?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Mike, what size joke book did you get last time you were on this show?

[Mike Holloway]

Big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there you go. Go fill it up, Mike. You started off tonight's show. There he goes. Mike Holloway, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well. I could not be more excited to have this name in my hands, Ladies and gentlemen. How cool is this? This young lady started off on the show famous for making great horse noises. Such an unbelievable horse noise that we had her go to the heb center on New Year's Eve just to make one horse noise. That was it. And then she got pulled out of the bucket again here and informed me that. That maybe a little bit lighter there, Michael. She informed me famously that her. That her parents were disappointed in her at the time for. For being on such an unchristian like show. And so on the spot, I asked her how much she makes at the job that she didn't really like. She told me I matched it. And now every day, Monday through Friday, she works directly with me. The odds of her getting pulled out of the bucket are unbelievable. And I couldn't be more excited to see a brand new minute from the great and powerful the one and only, one of my favorite young comics, and especially human beings. This is Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen.

[Sarah Sloan]

Hey, everybody. I look like a girl who regularly goes to the gym, but just to poop. I really respect Helen Keller as a woman in history. Have you guys heard of Helen Keller?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sloan]

She's never heard of you. I have a strong belief that Helen Keller coined the phrase talk to the hand. Cause a face ain't lit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Listening.

[Sarah Sloan]

But she probably sounded a little different as she said it. I'm really excited to potentially have a husband one day. And I'm excited about this possibility because I will get to greet that man every day for the rest of my life. You know, different couples, they have different greetings. Some like to hug, some like to kiss. I've been practicing the greeting I'll have with my husband. It'll look like this. Stop hitting us. Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sarah Sloan, everybody. Wow. How cool is this? Welcome back, Sarah Sloan. This is fun because I talk to you every day, all the time, and now we're talking like this. It's kind of weird. It's.

[Sarah Sloan]

So I literally said to you, I spend more time with you than anybody else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True.

[Sarah Sloan]

And I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we have a lot of fun.

[Ian Bagg]

Do you guys want us to leave?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are absolute polar opposites. She is a very, very, very, very good, well behaved Christian girl. And I'm a naughty boy. And we give each other balance. We live vicariously, slightly, I think, through each other. Sarah, tell these people something about you that we don't know. I mean, I don't even know. Yeah, I would say, like, I would ask you a normal question, but, like, I kind of know everything.

[Sarah Sloan]

Can I tell you a funny story? Like that you. Yeah. Well, there was one time Tony was about to go out to the lake, and then he started just looking at me, and he was like, I'm picturing you joining me and my friends going on the lake and you wearing a bikini. And he just started dying laughing.

[Ian Bagg]

God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That is.

[Ian Bagg]

That is the weirdest time to make an HR complaint in front of all these people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony's an asshole. Who says my pussy's hairy? We have a lot of fun. Sarah is the best. Brian Holtzman.

[Brian Holtzman]

I really appreciate it. Your stage presence is wonderful. You have a beautiful little figure. And I especially liked your Helen Keller because I to this day, can't understand why she's who she is. I mean, she couldn't do anything. She couldn't go anywhere. I mean. I mean, to have somebody that's that famous and well known for being that deficient in all areas. I mean, what would you do with a Helen Keller if you, you know, nothing? Maybe keep the door from shutting, you know, but thank you so much. I really appreciate what you did.

[Sarah Sloan]

Thank you. Thank

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you. So awesome. The great Brian Holtzman. I just want to say, night and day difference from the last time or two times you've been on, like, that was actually. Absolutely.

[Sarah Sloan]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was. The next thing I was getting to is one of my. I had. I don't ever get to see you do stand up. And the unbelievable growth since the last time. Working beats. You're using your hands, great mic technique close to the mouth. Everything's good. Everything's, like, rock solid. Professional. Sarah, what else is going on? Anything else crazy in your personal fun life or whatever?

[Sarah Sloan]

I told you recently, like, ever since I've gotten this job, men have been very interested in me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Sarah Sloan]

It's so insane. I'm just like, literally night and day difference now. I still don't do anything about it. I'm too afraid. Yeah, I went on a date with this one guy and then he started just, like, at the end. I was dreading it. I was like, oh, no. And then he starts just hugging me. And I was like. And then he, like, kisses me on the cheek, and I was like. And then he was like, what's wrong, baby? He was Mexican. Shows you they really don't respect boundaries.

[Brian Holtzman]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sloan]

At one point, I literally. At one point, I literally held up my hand in front of my face and I said, don't kiss me, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think maybe you're a lesbian a little bit?

[Sarah Sloan]

I know I'm not. I just. I feel so bad. Just like kissing someone that may not be my husband.

[Brian Holtzman]

Take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take it, Brian.

[Brian Holtzman]

Take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holtzman, be nice. I don't care if you do it to the men. Don't do it to my sweet little Sarah Sloan. She's a good Christian. She goes to church every week.

[Ian Bagg]

Still Christian? Are you still Christian? He's doing this devil's work, literally.

[Sarah Sloan]

I'm probably more Christian now than before I started the job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true. And a little fun fact. If you. If you were to go back or if you're a fan of the show and you remember her getting the job live, which was a crazy thing. Nothing but my gut instinct. I knew nothing really about you other than you could do a good horse noise at the time. And my God, how it's played out is unbelievable. And the parents that originally you said didn't like it. And it's a little bit too rugged of a show for you to be on. And they're laughing at crazy stuff and everything we ended up making. I made friends with the parents. They came and visited, and now I'm friends with her. Super cool, awesome parents too.

[Sarah Sloan]

They. They love you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sarah Sloan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is how the devil works.

[Ian Bagg]

Is nobody listening?

[Brian Holtzman]

Holy. It's happening right here.

[Ian Bagg]

Like, the ground is just starting to bubble.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And, like.

[Ian Bagg]

And we got another.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sarah. Unbelievable fucking set. I love the poop in the gym, the Helen Keller, everything. I love seeing the growth. You're a little star. We love you. One more time for the great Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. Boom. Wow. Wait, wait, wait. Sarah, real quick. How could I forget one horse noise for these people? Yeah. Sarah Slo. That was her best horse sound too. This is Kill Tony. That's the sound of Colt when you're pulling the yo yo out of his ass. I love the way he looks like the horse.

[Brian Holtzman]

Get that bit out of my mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, your third bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to J.J. alexander, everybody.

[J.J. Alexander]

I just watched the new Superman movie, and me and my friend were walking out. He's like, you know what? There's no way anyone will fall for that. Like, just using glasses as a disguise. Like, he just puts a pair of glasses on and everyone thinks he's a totally different person. No one's dumb enough to fall for that. I looked at my friend. I'm like, I know the glasses are a good disguise because I have to use my glasses as a disguise every single day. Like, with my glasses on, you might be like, oh, this is like a kind of cute, nerdy guy. Glasses off. It look like I eat crayons for the flavor. Glasses on. History teacher with autism. Glasses off. Matt Damon with Down syndrome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you like them apples?

[Colt McNeely]

You know?

[J.J. Alexander]

Glasses on. Kind chick fil a manager. My pleasure. How are we doing tonight, folks? What's going on? Glasses off. Arby's manager.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

JJ Alexander has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. This is your first time on the show, right?

[J.J. Alexander]

Yeah, dude.

[Stephen Dozier]

Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Amazing. How long you been doing stand up?

[J.J. Alexander]

Five years.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Where at?

[J.J. Alexander]

Colorado Springs, Colorado.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're just visiting us?

[J.J. Alexander]

No, just moved here, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did you move here? April. April?

[J.J. Alexander]

Yeah, dude. Moved down before my buddies. We slept on two, like, bunk beds side by side for two months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[J.J. Alexander]

Just burned the boats to try to move to Austin, Texas. Try to do this show, man. That's how we do It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get it. Yeah. That is awesome. I love it. How do you make money? What do you.

[Fern]

You do for work?

[J.J. Alexander]

I work at Dutch Bros. The coffee shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yeah. I work when you have your glasses on, dad. Glasses off.

[J.J. Alexander]

I'm giving. I'm giving out free coffees to everybody. I was like, would you like chocolate milk, man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[J.J. Alexander]

So, yeah, I worked at 5:00am today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah, dude. Amazing. Hell yeah, JJ, Ian.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

What do you.

[Ian Bagg]

Not anymore. If you can do the impression of a horse.

[J.J. Alexander]

Oh, I got nothing, dog. I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No chance. Sorry.

[Ian Bagg]

You were doing so well there and then bam. Brian to come over to do the joke writing contest at your house. Does he have to wear the glasses

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

or not the glasses?

[Brian Holtzman]

He can do whatever he wants.

[J.J. Alexander]

Oh,

[Brian Holtzman]

we don't have to talk about anything at all.

[J.J. Alexander]

This is the scariest I've ever been in my life. This is nuts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Jj, tell us more about you. Yeah, man. Yeah.

[J.J. Alexander]

I work with Dutch Bros. I play. Yeah, No. I can solve a Rubik's Cube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can?

[J.J. Alexander]

I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what's crazy about that? Ladies and gentlemen. No, please. I swear to God. You're not gonna believe this, but just a few weeks ago, my amazing team here at Keltoni informed me about a bunch of new things that we have backstage. A breathalyzer. We have a. All the old stuff. Your famous scale, your measuring tape. And now added, ladies and gentlemen, and this is. They told me this. And I go, what the am I ever going to do with that? That sounds boring as hell. But we have arrived at that moment as I present to you, for the first time in Kill Tony history, Heidi, bring out the Rubik's Cube. Oh, my goodness. This. Wow. Oh, he's just attacking it right away. Ladies and gentlemen, glasses on. He can solve the Rubik's Cube. Imagine, glasses off. He eats the Rubik's Cube.

[Ian Bagg]

What if he was just lying? Like, he thought, no way they're going to have a Rubik's Cube. And he's just like, Johnny Bigcock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can do a Rubik now, Tony. Do you know the science behind it? It's like a. It's like a math thing. Like, it's a two over, down, up. Yeah, I don't. I don't really get it. I've never understood the Rubik's Cube. I have no desire to whatso. However, I let other people conquer the Rubik's cube universe while I do my own thing. When I was a kid, I found out that you could, like, actually take off Each of the squares and pop them back on. There you go. Yeah. Oh, there is a timer, ladies and gentlemen. There's. They've started a timer. He's 45 seconds right now. This isn't quite going as good as I thought it would.

[Ian Bagg]

It's no yo, yo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Turns out you're very mediocre at Rubik's. Very close, though.

[Isaac Butterfield]

It's very close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's getting there. Oh, They used to also have the Rubik Cube going a lot of different. The master of Rubik's Cube knowledge, Brian Redban, our chief Rubik's Cube correspondent. I had no idea that you had such a wealth of knowledge. This was our video games back as a kid in the 80s. That is true. Redman is 51. Oh, my God. 119. Wow. The crowd goes absolutely wild. Wow. I was not expecting the crowd to be that into it when it was solved. Glasses on.

[J.J. Alexander]

Solve the Rubik's Cube. Let's go, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Ian Bagg]

I bet you can kiss your assistant.

[Brian Holtzman]

I'm in love with you.

[J.J. Alexander]

Oh, thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks, Brian. Wow. Jj, I'd like to say. Well, a lady. Y' all do it. Glasses off. That's impossible.

[J.J. Alexander]

I can't read without my glasses. What are you talking about?

[Ian Bagg]

It's got nothing to do with reading. They just want to. They want you to look like, you know, a special kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

While you're doing jj, tell us more about you.

[J.J. Alexander]

Oh, yeah. I'm a. I'm a single guy. As you.

[Colt McNeely]

Duh.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Oh, yeah.

[J.J. Alexander]

I'm just. I'm trying. I'm just. Austin, Texas, looking for love, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a lot of. You have a lot of good material. Like you did.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Yeah.

[J.J. Alexander]

Yes, sir. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much. What's the longest set you think you could do?

[Isaac Butterfield]

I've.

[J.J. Alexander]

I've done 45 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J.J. Alexander]

It was not great.

[Fern]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years.

[J.J. Alexander]

I got 30. Rock solid, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Rock solid. Okay. And it seems like your life completely revolves around. Stand up. You're doing a little bit.

[J.J. Alexander]

It's a grind, for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're working hard at it.

[J.J. Alexander]

Yes, sir. Every day I'm just out just trying to get better. That's all I can do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holtzman's doing some type of. What exactly would you call that? Use the microphone, then.

[Brian Holtzman]

Hi, honey. I'm home and it's been a hard day.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. Are most of the girls at Dutch bros over 18?

[J.J. Alexander]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. What the fuck is going on over there, dude?

[J.J. Alexander]

Brian's just gonna pull through my line. This means terrifying, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. This guy's Gonna come with an unsolved Rubik's Cube every day. Wow.

[J.J. Alexander]

Yeah. What's wild about Dutch Bros is we have a button on the iPad that's a bad day button. So if you come through and, like, you look like you're, like, you're crying, we give free coffees away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so overly nice there. Is there, like. Like, is there a protocol that you have to do? Like. Oh, you have to, like, wink at them?

[J.J. Alexander]

Oh, no, no. It's just you. You just, like, try to treat everyone with kindness. It's like, their whole thing. Like, it's like, you start so not change lives one cup at a time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dutch Bros.

[J.J. Alexander]

Sponsor me. Let's go. I need to quit.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think they might want to sponsor you, J.J. alexander, because, my friend, what I have right here in this red box is indeed a golden ticket. You just won it here on Kiltoni. Congratulations, my friend. That's the real deal. We want to see more material from you, And I'd love to have you on the Secret show Thursday if you want. Hey. Hey. Hi. There you go. He'll do the Secret Show. Red band.

[Brian Holtzman]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. How do you feel, jj? Are those real tears?

[J.J. Alexander]

You just changed my life, man. Thank you, Tony. Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin, Texas. Let's rock, baby. Let's go. J.J. alexander, ladies and gentlemen. Congrats, buddy. Hold on, Holtzman. Let him go. Let him go, Holtzman.

[Ian Bagg]

All that talk. He was like, all that talk. I work at Dutch Brothers. We're kind. We try to change people's lives. Guaranteed, he's gonna be a complete dick tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Holtzman]

Cause he is just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's.

[Ian Bagg]

He's gonna. He's not gonna be working there much longer. He's just like, you wanna what?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Fuck you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Suck my. Suck my.

[Ian Bagg]

Special needs. Cockpicks off the glasses, threw it through it. A Rubik cube at a child.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All that kind of. Exactly. His whole attitude may change. That's how egos are born.

[Ian Bagg]

How does that feel for you? How did that feel for you, just changing that kid's life?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's awesome. You know when I see somebody that's up here smiling and when they seem completely funny and focused on standup, when he said the bunk beds thing, you know, that means that this is his life, and that's exactly what he came here to do. Big move from Colorado. He's focused, and we need people. Everyone. Fucking everyone here is blowing up so fast. They're fucking. SNL is poaching us now. They're fun. These guys are getting offers and fucking be the next fucking late night this and everything that. We're building monsters and he could be. God only knows what can happen here.

[Brian Holtzman]

He could be on suicide watch in a few weeks too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It depends on if he goes to one of your writings sessions. We having fun out there, huh? Let's keep it moving along. Anything can happen. Your next bucket pole goes by the name of Fern, everybody. Fern, everyone.

[Fern]

My cousin has down syndrome. Don't feel bad for him though. He got laid so much he caught gonorrhea, so we called him slow clap. I like to treat pregnant women like dogs because I'm a rub your belly. Yes, I am. I got two cats. One cat's name is Abyss. Because if you stare into the abyss, the abyss will stare back into you. The other cat's name is Meowschwitz. The ironic part is Meowschwitz doesn't like showers either. I'll wrap it up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very funny, Fern. Thanks. Welcome, welcome.

[Tommy Tickles]

Howdy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. How long you been doing stand up?

[Fern]

About four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. And this is your first time on the show?

[Fern]

Second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Where you from?

[Fern]

Originally? Paris, Texas. But I also moved from Denver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long ago was your last time on the Show?

[Fern]

November of 23. It was my birthday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Very cool. Okay. What do you do for work?

[Fern]

I'm a downtown high rise window washer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, really? That's you up there? Yes, sir.

[Brian Holtzman]

Holy.

[Fern]

God damn right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do the Frost Tower?

[Fern]

I. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have different ones?

[Fern]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you work. You do that every day?

[Fern]

Five days a week. Yes, sir.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about that. We've never had anyone that does that on the show. Are you being sarcastic?

[Fern]

No. Like it is legitimately fun hanging from ropes, swinging from left and right. You know, scaring the out of cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you know. Yeah. Honestly, tell us more. Like what's something that you've rolled. I would say up on, but I guess you're going down.

[Fern]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're rolling down. Because it is kind of a crazy thing, right? You know, these condos or whatever downtown, all of a sudden there's just somebody. You don't ever expect. There's somebody coming from.

[Fern]

Yeah, I scare people every day because

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they're like, what the.

[Fern]

And it's a lot of fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. What's one of the craziest things that you've seen rolling down on somebody's place?

[Fern]

Nothing yet. Just a bunch of cats scared. My co workers have seen Wild, but I've only been doing it for four months. In four months no, sir, unfortunately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could see cats and tits if you roll by red band when he's naked. Have your homies told you something that they have seen that's insane?

[Fern]

A lot of naked women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, that's it.

[Fern]

Yep. Yeah, it's just pretty much it. People are standard high rise. They're chilling like red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Ian Bagg]

Is your cousin really special needs?

[Fern]

Yes, he does have down syndrome. I don't know if he got ever the collapse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know really.

[Ian Bagg]

So he just made up a story about a slow guy getting a bunch of pussy?

[Fern]

Yeah. In fact, my mom told me I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

was a little disappointed in you syndrome. After the fact, I was like, oh,

[Ian Bagg]

oh, well, after the fact of what?

[Fern]

Me writing the joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Ian Bagg]

You didn't know that he had down syndrome?

[Fern]

Talk to my family that much.

[Tommy Tickles]

Wow.

[Ian Bagg]

You've never seen him

[Stephen Dozier]

like.

[Ian Bagg]

You couldn't tell by looking at him. Like the kid that neck head, same size.

[Fern]

I don't even know which cousin.

[Ian Bagg]

Have you ever seen a special needs kid before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They stand out. Hold not being wants to know what he's doing Wednesday at midnight.

[Brian Holtzman]

Is there a probational period in that occupation?

[Fern]

I think it was like a 90 day probation. Yeah.

[Brian Holtzman]

It's a good union too, isn't it?

[Fern]

That one's a non union.

[Brian Holtzman]

You're in a non union?

[Fern]

Yes, sir. I was a union iron worker for five years, but I switched to high rise window washer so I could get off the building, go to an open mic and crush on kill Tony again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Unbelievable. And you did. Have you never been scared of heights your whole life? Like, do you have like tall parents

[Ian Bagg]

that held you or something?

[Fern]

I'm the guy who fell out of the two story window when I was 15 months old. So no, I haven't. I've always loved the views and I've always taken a jump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that happen?

[Fern]

It was hottest shit in Texas. I'm originally from Paris, Texas. Texas. And we were in Nacogdoches. Apparently the window was up, letting the breeze in. The screen was cracked. So when I got up on the couch, I looked over and I just kept going in to the abyss. It was a lot of fun, apparently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Barrier. Clapton esque. Without a doubt.

[Fern]

Same joke you made last time?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, sir. Well, yeah, it's the same story. I mean, if you, if you. Yeah.

[Tommy Tickles]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's just common sense. So, Fern, what's the longest set you've ever done?

[Fern]

10 minutes, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right. And four years in only 10 minutes.

[Fern]

I don't get a lot of spots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever thought about running your own type of show or anything like that?

[Fern]

Or when I was an iron worker that was working 68 hours or 58 hours in Waco, so I was driving, waking up at 5am not even getting back till Austin till 7pm and I was still trying to hit Mike comics. So running a show is just trying to get comics and everything else. It's kind of hard now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true. Boltzmann is Kill Yourself.

[Brian Holtzman]

Kill yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The rooster of excuses. Fern. Red band. What do you think? He had a really great set. You remember?

[Brian Holtzman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I mean, I've seen some of the lineups you put on on Thursdays. Well, I just, you know, it's pretty full, but I have an eight minute spot open.

[Fern]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. There you go, Fern. Yeah, I mean, it was a great set. Maybe. What's 2 distance? Maybe you forgot, Fern. Just Fern. Why do you go by Fern?

[Fern]

It's my last name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your first name?

[Fern]

Jason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you go just by Fern?

[Fern]

How many Jason's have you met versus how many Ferns have you met?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's one right there. Yeah, my full name.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it really? Yeah. Oh, Fernando.

[Fern]

My full name is Jason Alexander, Fern. And you just had a Jason Alexander on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is pretty crazy. And Jay Alexander was me and Red Band's favorite restaurant back in Columbus when we were in school. An unbelievable prime rib sandwich with extra spicy horseradish sauce on it. Have you heard of Jay Alexander's?

[Fern]

I have not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, now you know.

[Colt McNeely]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? Big joke book. Well, There you go. J.J. alexander, ladies and gentlemen. Fern. I'm sorry, Fern. Thank you. Thank you. Skipped around one more time for Fern, everybody. All right. How exciting. We go on and on. Look at Heidi just hustling, picking up the yo yo in the Rubik's Cube, replacing the old golden ticket with perhaps a new one. I've never given out two in an episode, but anything can happen. And now, now I present to you one of the longest names I've ever read in the show's history. This is Stephen. Forrest Gump Posier, ladies and gentlemen.

[Stephen Dozier]

Fos Gump was bullied so much and so long, he ran so far, so fast that the bullets could not keep up with Fos Gump. Forrest, when are you gonna stop running Faust? When, Forrest? When? That night in Jenny's dormitory. I fucked the shit out of Jenny. I was like, say my name, say my name. And she like, you're forced Gump. People call you Faust Gump Gump. Gumpity Gump Gump. Oh, yeah. You may not know it, but I fuck like the wind blows. Foss Gump used to work for the Bayou Labatri Police Department. And they said, gun, Faust, gun. I took off running. I got fired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyways.

[Stephen Dozier]

Life is like a box of cash in. Made up to look like chocolates with a couple of chocolates mixed in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hate cash.

[Stephen Dozier]

I guess I'm done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Stephen Forest Gump Postier. Am I saying that correctly, or is it dossier?

[Stephen Dozier]

Dosher.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dosher. Yeah. So, Stephen. Your real name is Stephen Gumpdosher?

[Stephen Dozier]

No, I was. I was trying to put Forrest Gump in there. Stephen Forrest Gumpdosia. Because I know you have an affinity for Forrest Gump, everyone, and I wanted you to pull me today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone has an affinity for Forrest Gump. So, Stephen, let me ask you. How long you been doing stand up?

[Stephen Dozier]

Last time I did stand up was 1986.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Stephen Dozier]

For you millennials out there, that's 32 years. For all of you that can do the math. Xnay on the math.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally, 39 years.

[Stephen Dozier]

Yes, that's right, Tony. That's absolutely correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your style. I think you're funnier when you're not doing the wacky forest impression. I can just tell.

[Stephen Dozier]

Yeah, I had a regular minute for you, and I've got some stuff I really like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I want to do right now? Ian, Is there something you want to say? Let's just.

[Ian Bagg]

I was just shocked that he had some stuff that he liked that he didn't bring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Here's your chance to shine. Maybe I'll use that later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even out a lot of.

[Ian Bagg]

He takes a lot of breaks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The forest thing was. Was. Was adorable, and it was sweet, but you know what I'm gonna do? I'm just gonna. Your real name's Stephen Dozier?

[Stephen Dozier]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just gonna reset it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Stephen Dozier. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Stephen. Restart the clock.

[Stephen Dozier]

So I've got selective Tourette syndrome, which basically means I'm just another asshole. But speaking of fucking assholes, I was getting a call in Oscar the other day, and as I was going under the anesthesia. That's the gas that can kill you, not that hot Russian chick, which, frankly, I would have preferred. Anyways, I told the crew in there, I said, hey, if you could interview my asshole right now. And one of the guys goes, hey, I've got A microphone. Great. My asshole was getting ready to say something important, profound, probably poetic. And this guy is going to be a fucking comedian. Thanks a lot, Tony. Thanks a lot. Anyways, if you could interview my asshole right now, this is probably what my asshole would say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Scene. Okay.

[Stephen Dozier]

I know everybody thinks I'm just another fucking asshole. But the truth is with hard gourd hopes, dreams and feelings like the rest of you. So let's get this shit over with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Steven Dozier. So let's talk about your actual life, Steven. I have 437 questions going on in my head. What made you want to restart stand up here tonight?

[Stephen Dozier]

Well, I retired, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you retire from?

[Stephen Dozier]

I was a financial advisor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell.

[Stephen Dozier]

Way making too much money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Stephen Dozier]

So I decided to quit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[Stephen Dozier]

Yeah, they paid me to quit.

[Fern]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They paid me to quit.

[Stephen Dozier]

But it's a great job. I loved him. And so they. I retired and. But yeah, I was thinking about doing comedy and then I started watching Kill Tony and then I started writing comedy. It's all your fault.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Stephen Dozier]

I mean, I have literally got two full books of stuff. I've been up there harassing all the other people up there, telling my bits just to see if they like it. I wrote a bit this morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You what?

[Stephen Dozier]

I wrote a bit this morning. I'm laughing my ass off in the garage. My cats think I'm nuts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many cats do you have?

[Stephen Dozier]

I've got two cats in a garage. I'm glad you brought that up. I've got two cats in the garage that jump through hoops, walk tightropes, jump platforms. They are amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Stephen Dozier]

They are. They are trained. Did you use strippers? But strippers are harder to. Anyways. But no, two cats. I trained them. It was all accident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, Brian.

[Brian Holtzman]

I don't want to hear about cats.

[Stephen Dozier]

You're always talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean? Didn't you. I thought you talked to Mark Marin about this. Wouldn't he tell you that that should be one of the main things that you talk about in all of your act. This is your.

[Brian Holtzman]

You remind me of the guy on the airplane who needs extra help getting on. Look at you. You're a nightmare. Look at this. And you're a thief. A financial advisor. You're a thief. You're a fucking thief. Let me manage your money and take. How much percent do you take? How much fucking percent do you take? How did you get rich? Another people's money. I'm sorry, Tony. Oh, let me manage your money. I. I can Manage my own money.

[Stephen Dozier]

Look, don't sugarcoat this, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this is the world's wackiest nursing home over here. I expected.

[Stephen Dozier]

I expected from him. I expect it from him. It's okay.

[Brian Holtzman]

Same thing as a realtor. This is the bedroom. This is the backyard. That'll be $10,000. I know where the backyard is. I know where a bathroom is. Sell it yourself. Sell your house yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stephen, were you ever married or anything?

[Stephen Dozier]

Oh, yeah, I was married for. For about nine years. Lost my wife 15 years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you lose her at?

[Colt McNeely]

She.

[Stephen Dozier]

She passed. She passed away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Party time. How long ago was that?

[Stephen Dozier]

Fifteen. Fifteen years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fifteen years ago. Okay. That must have been hard, huh?

[Brian Holtzman]

Probably took her life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Holtzman, you guys are gonna be arguing later when you're playing gin rummy with each other or whatever the hell when you guys are playing. When you guys are playing chess at the park again.

[Stephen Dozier]

Your color just went up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How did she die, Stephen?

[Stephen Dozier]

She. She committed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She really did. Oh, my God.

[Stephen Dozier]

It's okay. It's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[Stephen Dozier]

It's okay. It happens, you know? Things happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That must have been so hard, Brian. Stopping. But we're having fun.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

That's okay.

[Stephen Dozier]

That's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay.

[Stephen Dozier]

You know, life has been good since then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's exactly.

[Stephen Dozier]

That's been helpful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's all it takes.

[Stephen Dozier]

Comedy. Comedy has helped.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Absolutely.

[Brian Holtzman]

A lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your a whole lot.

[Stephen Dozier]

Oh, a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you. Where do you live now, Steven? I'm.

[Stephen Dozier]

I'm in Conroe Willis area here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

North of Houston. Okay, perfect.

[Stephen Dozier]

I know I'm not the. Don't look like I come from Houston. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I missed that.

[Fern]

That wanting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you, Stephen?

[Stephen Dozier]

I'll be 64 in May.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That's it. Yeah.

[Stephen Dozier]

I look good. I haven't been out in the sun a lot. Haven't been out in the sun a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You're des. You look a little bit older than you are. Maybe it's the cane or something like that.

[Stephen Dozier]

Thank you. I older you? I thought you was going to cut me some slag. Give me some youngerness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like I'm 35 years old old.

[Stephen Dozier]

You don't like it when people lie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holtzman, how old are you?

[Brian Holtzman]

I'm 35.

[Stephen Dozier]

Maybe I should have said 35.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you're good, Steven. What else? Other than training your cats and, you

[Stephen Dozier]

know, I had my book with me, and I had 15. Top 15 things to tell you. I built a clock. I built a marble clock. It took me six years. I just built it.

[Brian Holtzman]

This is why his wife probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Holtzman, stop.

[Brian Holtzman]

He makes talking about cats and all sorts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, he makes very dark jokes.

[Brian Holtzman]

I know.

[Stephen Dozier]

I'll watch this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Well, you're in the eye of the storm right now.

[Stephen Dozier]

Oh, we're good. We're good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you make a marble clock? You, like, chip away at it?

[Stephen Dozier]

No, I just. I just know I, I. I cut it up with the. With the, with the. The saw, of course. But I started. It's like a big chess piece. And then I'm like, you know, I've come this far. I might as well go a little further. And then I built a little hobbit thing underneath it that encloses it, and it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys seem bored. I'm so intrigued by this guy. The panel is literally just gasping. And I'm.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm. I'm. I've never met an Amish person before.

[Stephen Dozier]

Hey, I do like. I do like the cut.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, well, I made my own clock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. That is very.

[Ian Bagg]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your facial hair. It is unbelievable. We have an eclectic group. I'm gonna check in with our chief correspondent.

[Brian Holtzman]

Nobody wants to hear old people talk. Next you're gonna tell us they took a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's a bumper sticker. Take a vein out of your ass and put it in your neck. Brianholtzman.com show it every Thursday at 10pm here in the Fat Man Holtzman and friends. It's unbelievable. Ianbag.com he's on tour.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Sweet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As I said you were. One more question for you. I know this interview's going too long, but I just find you to be intriguing as hell. You know, you're 60 something. You look 80 something. You lived off. You lived a whole life. I find it all so intriguing. You ever have kids?

[Stephen Dozier]

No. No kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No kids.

[Stephen Dozier]

We were gonna have kids, but what's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

your secret to not having kids? Ultimate.

[Stephen Dozier]

I pull out. I pull out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very quick pull out. There he goes. Good. I love it. And give me one more crazy fun fact about your life.

[Stephen Dozier]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Here we go. So the top. The top. Well, I already told you the top two things, so there's a third thing that I do. Oh, you got to put a couple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what do you. What is it, Stephen?

[Stephen Dozier]

Well, I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing? Whoa. You play the drums, Stephen. You really do. You play the drums? Really? Are you serious? Should we have a Mexican drum off here? Oh, my God. It's been a long time.

[Brian Holtzman]

The hat goes backwards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Gonzalez. It's kind of tough to get back there, Steven. It's a tight squeeze, but there you go. Come on in there, Stephen. The first ever Mexican drum off where a guy has to lean his cane up against the wall. This is Kill Tony history right now. Now, some of you might be new to the show. I see some tables of ladies out here and girlfriends that look like they've been kidnapped and dragged here. So if you don't know, a Mexican drum off is legendary on this show. It is when somebody that pulled out of the bucket knows how to play the drums, gets to do a drum solo here live, completely improvised on the spot. They had no idea what the drum set would. Wait, Stephen, relax. Stephen, relax. You're like one of your cats in the garage right now. Chill out over there. So here's how it works. He does a drum solo and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo. The crowd decides who their favorite was. If Steven wins, and it's never happened before, the resident drummer on this show, I think is about all time, 670 against the bucket pool drummer. But if he happens to win, he will become the brand new resident drummer on Kill Tony. Michael Gonzalez will have to. They have to switch lives. So Michael will be locked in a garage with cats running through hoops. And Steven will be here every Monday while Michael Cat sits for him. You don't know if cats What? Right? I agree. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo. This is a Mexican drum off. And this is Steven Dozier. Wow. Wow. Steven doer. I don't know if you guys know anything about percussion or. I'm sure you don't have an angle at it, but this was just working the double bass pedals back here. The musicians got very excited. I happen to notice it as well. Steven's putting up quite the fight here. He might actually be 25, just dressed up with prosthetics, brought out the cane, trying to play dumb over here. Someone's playing possum. He's trying to get a full time job on this show. The bad news is Steven stay there. Steven stay there for right now while Michael plays that the camera can get them. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, undefeated, resident drummer. This is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez. Jesus Christ.

[Sarah Sloan]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A true battle of the titans, ladies and gentlemen. Well, well, well. This is the part where you decide how many of you have Steven Doer winning that Competition. Oh, how many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Yeah, yeah, no doubt about it. They'll still argue online, I'm sure, but 100%, you could agree that Michael just slightly edged you out there, right, Stephen? He's warmed up. Oh, this. Oh, my God. I like your style, Stephen. I love people of all different shapes and sizes coming in here and playing around down in.

[Ian Bagg]

Can I suggest for your stand up that maybe it's behind a drum kit?

[Stephen Dozier]

It's been that way before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should do it that way.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm not being a dick, but you'll go farther.

[Stephen Dozier]

Yes, you are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often do you come down here? How many times have you signed up, Stephen?

[Stephen Dozier]

It's my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time ever. I came down today.

[Stephen Dozier]

I was the first one at Shakespeare's at noon today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were there at noon. Look at you, you badass.

[Brian Holtzman]

My brother.

[Stephen Dozier]

My brother is he. He built a nice house up in Georgetown. And I called him this yesterday. I said, hey, I'm coming up to go on Kill Tony. I'm going to come by and see you. And he's like, you're not. Because I'm in Alaska. Okay, I'm going to Shakespeare's at noon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there you go. Well, look at that. All that energy and manifesting it got you here.

[Stephen Dozier]

It's all your fault. I have literally written two books that of material because of you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it.

[Stephen Dozier]

Watching I started watching Kill Tony, I was already thinking about doing comedy when I retired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Stephen Dozier]

But I started watching Kill Tony like in March, and then I started writing in May. And I've literally written two books. I wrote something this morning I like a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's hear what you wrote this morning.

[Stephen Dozier]

Well, you know how women have that little ring in their nose? Well, back in my day, we would do that with the hogs on the farm. We put the ring in the nose on the hogs so they wouldn't root out under the fence. I guess a couple of these got out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, you son of a. Son of a. Stephen, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come back in a few weeks or something and. And play. And play drums on the pre show. Play a song or two with the boys over there.

[Stephen Dozier]

I almost brought my electronic kit with me tonight because you're always talking about how don't come up here unprepared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You almost brought a whole drum kit.

[Stephen Dozier]

I've got three drum kits. I got one I'm trying to give away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at this guy.

[Stephen Dozier]

I gotta stop buying stuff.

[Ian Bagg]

Sounds like the wife was insured.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. These dead wife jokes are coming in hot. Steven, I love that you're laughing at him. You have a great sense of humor. You're a hell of a sport. Thank you so much. And here, Steven. Here's the big joke book, buddy. I know you got your hands full. You ready for it? Oh, damn it. Son of a. One more time. How loud can this place get for Steven Doer, everybody? You did it, buddy. Have a great night. There he goes. How exciting. Long interview. Long one. You deserve it, Steven. There he goes. All right, we're gonna keep it. You guys still having fun out there? I thought so. Your next bucket poll, 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Going by the name of Tommy Tickles, everyone, it's Tommy Tickles.

[Tommy Tickles]

Uh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we know Tommy. Tommy's back. Excellence for Tommy Tickles, everybody.

[Tommy Tickles]

Y' all might have guessed that I'm an amateur taxidermist. I'm an amateur. Cause nobody's paying me to kill and stuff all these cats. Especially not my dickhead neighbors. I'm not a very good negotiator. When I first met the future Mrs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tickles,

[Tommy Tickles]

I was like, I like to have sex when I wake up in the morning. I like to have sex before I go to bed at night. And on the weekends, I like to have sex three or four times a day. And she was like, how about a blowjob on your birthday?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tommy Tickles]

Fourteen blowjobs later, and I'm still married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Tommy Tickles]

I always pay my bills. Maybe not on time. I've never reneged on a bet. I did get fucked by a black

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guy twice

[Tommy Tickles]

down at the dog track. I always pay my debts. I'm not a renegade. If anybody were to call me a re, I would be pissed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck did you just say? He said, hold on. So we're gonna go. Oh, whoa. What the. The little things. Carlos Sosa. That sax with the bom bonum bom. God has the funniest timing in the world. Deep madness. Coming back from a pee break after an old white man says the N word a couple times. What did you say?

[Tommy Tickles]

If you don't pay your bets, then you renege on your bets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Tommy Tickles]

And I always pay my bets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tommy Tickles]

If anybody were to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, don't. Don't repeat it again. I get it. It actually checks out. Technically, that makes sense. That's a loophole. If I've ever. That is a loophole. That is a loophole. Leave it to an old country man to find a loophole.

[Tommy Tickles]

Even if Even if you call me

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a re, they're calling it John D. I wouldn't.

[Tommy Tickles]

I would know what you meant. I know I would know what you meant. I'd be pissed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The blacks have ruled it aloud after review of the play. The call on the field has been overturned. Tommy Tickles is safe.

[Tommy Tickles]

Pay my bills.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. My goodness.

[Hell's Bells]

Goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I should have. I should have wacky ways to get racial slurs out there, too, instead of just doing them straight up.

[Tommy Tickles]

I used to think it was a racial slur, but somebody told me that's not how you spell it.

[Ian Bagg]

My God, how many times did he write it down before he found out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. What. What tombstone did you chisel it on? Here lies. Let's check in with our senior racial Slur correspondent. Brian Holtzman here.

[Brian Holtzman]

I didn't hear anything Deri about anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tommy Tickles. Look at you. What a character. It is adorable old man night here at the Comedy Mothership, back to back, the world's wackiest nursing home. I don't know if you guys remember the movie Cocoon, but this is what's happening here tonight. Yeah, I know. That's a reference you would make. Tommy, how old are you?

[Tommy Tickles]

I'm 51. 50.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

51 is the say they just read. Why do the people that sign up for the show look so old?

[Tommy Tickles]

All right, all right.

[Ian Bagg]

You look fantastic, bud. Don't let him put you down.

[Tommy Tickles]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you look so old? How many of your wives have killed themselves? All of them.

[Tommy Tickles]

I've been married 14 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have. Amazing, amazing. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom? Tommy Tickles.

[Tommy Tickles]

All right, I got a few.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow. He was ready.

[Tommy Tickles]

There's. You know, you've got your quickie, which is easy, but, you know, if you're going to prepare, you might as well set the mood with a little music or whatever. And, you know, don't have anything funny on tv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Tommy Tickles]

Cats, you know, make sure your cats and your dogs are outside and everywhere.

[Brian Holtzman]

Whatever.

[Tommy Tickles]

Okay, But I have a position for you. Like when you're going down on a lady. On the lady.

[Fern]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Guys, give me some good going down on a lady horn music. Here we go. Keep going. Tommy. Make sure you talk right into the tip.

[Tommy Tickles]

And you normally have the butt cheeks in this hand. You switch this hand over to the other butt cheek so that you can play around right here. That's my one, my little secret. You can call it the Tommy Tickle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holtzman's writing it down. Hand switch to the other butt cheek.

[Tommy Tickles]

Just like that. You got the butt cheek right there. And then you got this right here. It's the crossover. Crossover.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Tommy Tickles]

Tommy Tickles. Take that home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Cunningus crossover, written by Tommy Tickles.

[Tommy Tickles]

And I like to keep things nice and we. So we started using organic lubricant. And my favorite, if you want to know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh? Yeah, we do. Olive oil.

[Brian Holtzman]

Hi, honey, I'm home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holtzman's never used lube on anything in his life. This is a dry. This guy goes dried jerky, dry rubber sandpaper. What's your favorite kind of lube? Tommy Tickles.

[Tommy Tickles]

Come to Tommy Tickles 2025 on Instagram and I'll show you what my favorite. I will show you the product. It's called V Woo Coconut Oil, and it's distributed right here in Austin.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Wow.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a guy back there that just loves a locally made product. No matter. No matter what. Someone just lost their mind back. Back there.

[Ian Bagg]

Yeah, he's already sponsored.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think so. Tommy Tickled Coconut. I go with the other hand.

[Tommy Tickles]

That's where it's at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Sometimes I go this way, sometimes I go that way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tommy Tickles]

You're going to need some help.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tommy Tickles. You've been on this show before. You got a big joke book before.

[Tommy Tickles]

That's correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go then. You already got it. There he goes. Tommy Tickles. On to the next one. We go on to the next one. On to the next one. It's the great Jay Z that once said the words, on to the next one. And so we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll is Jeremiah Bishop. Jeremiah. Oh. The Kiltoni debut of Jeremiah Bishop, ladies and gentlemen.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

What's up, guys? So I just celebrated four months of sobriety. The proper response is to bow, I'm better than you. No. But I had to get sober. I loved cocaine way too much. Can we just at least agree cocaine is the gayest drug you can do because how's it gonna start? Me and you, sir, we're gonna get a bag, we go to the bathroom, we pray nobody finds us. How does it end? 6 o' clock in the morning. We're gonna talk about our hopes, our dreams, our goals, our aspirations. How we would love to open a beautiful little breakfast nook in Wisconsin. We might as well just suck each other's cocks at that point. It would be way less gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, 46 seconds of thunder from Jeremiah Bishop. Hell, yeah, Jeremiah. Grab that microphone.

[Ian Bagg]

That was the weirdest AA opening I've ever. Hi, my name is. I like to suck and open.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Gr.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let the Games begin, my friend. How old are you?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

34.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

34. Wow. Just take note. He's only about 14 years younger than the last two guys that were out there. It's unbelievable. Okay, how long you been sober off cocaine for?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Four months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you. What. How did you do it? How did you go. No cocaine.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Trying to quit hanging out on 6th street drinking so much, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. And that's what did it?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. So how.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How low did it get? How bad was it?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

At one point, before I moved out here, I was like, homeless. I used to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where were you at then?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah? What part of Florida?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Polk county, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there it is. Represent. This is what they look like there. Gross Malone. Smelly roll.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I like jelly rolling the pipe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Jeremiah, what do you do for work exactly? Are you a bar back?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I do pick up shifts at Shakespeare's. Boom. But I work in customer relations for a telecommunications company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you are on the phone headset?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been doing that for?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

About four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Very good. And these face tattoos, when did you start doing that exactly?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I got my first one at 19.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which one was that?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

That'd be the anchor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you get an anchor on your face at 19?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Mike Ness from Social Distortions. Pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you play music or something?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

No, this is all I can do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you just decided. I'm gonna start. What's the red ink under the left eye?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Broken. With a broken heart for the O because.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And what made you get that one? Exactly what did you do the night before you decided to get that one? What do you have to do to your dopamine serotonin receptors exactly where you go. Ah, you know what? I'm just gonna permanently just let everyone know.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Cocaine, right?

[Stephen Dozier]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Yeah, go ahead.

[Ian Bagg]

Still got jewelry, though. I don't know how bad the cocaine hat was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know how real the jewelry is. The tattoos are real. That jewelry is straight up quarter grab machine, right?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Oh, no, this is legitimate. But I didn't buy. It was passed down to me, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ian Bagg]

That's the first shit you sell when you're doing cocaine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

I hated Grandma. Let's burn this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought it was fake for sure. I didn't even think those were tattoos. I just thought it was the jewelry. Bleeding green all over his body. What do you do for fun now that you're not getting wasted and having late nights?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I mean, hiking, camping, pretty much anything outdoors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Stephen Dozier]

All right.

[Sarah Sloan]

Mind.

[Ian Bagg]

I'm outdoorsy.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Now,

[Jeremiah Bishop]

well, I used to be homeless, so, you know, it's just living the past.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about your life as a homeless person. Tell us about your tricks to survival or some crazy lows or some things that you saw or had to do.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Well, I always did the hobo sexual thing, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope, we don't know. What does that mean?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

It's where you sleep with somebody for a place to stay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us about that.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Well, see, I always up because I would never get like a girl that had her own stuff going on. It was always some gal that had a couple sugar daddies. I called it trickle down dickonomics.

[Ian Bagg]

Not real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't sound.

[Ian Bagg]

No, it doesn't.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Real.

[Ian Bagg]

I think this kid lives in a rich house with rich parents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have rich parents? I do get a rich parent parents vibe from you. Like you were the renegade you wanted to. No, you, mom and dad, I want to show you. And then they're like, well, no, you're not.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

No, no, my parents were. Okay. Not super well off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, we only had three bathrooms. Yeah. Did they have three bathrooms?

[J.J. Alexander]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. Two bathrooms?

[Isaac Butterfield]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Outdoor shower?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

No.

[Brian Holtzman]

Brian Holtzman, I. I, quite frankly, I have. I have nothing to say to you. I am completely uncomfortable just being on the same stage with this.

[Timmy No Bricks]

It.

[Brian Holtzman]

I mean, the tattoos are okay, but I mean, the metal products. I mean, why don't you go in the back and blow the guy who was playing the drums? I mean, this is. This is. This is. This is fucked up. I'd rather have a Helen Keller look alike up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps he does have the big gauge earrings and you have a piercing. What do you call that part of the human body?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

That'd be your philtrum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your philtrum.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, and what made you decide to get that pierced just above the upper lip?

[Ian Bagg]

Social Distortion

[Jeremiah Bishop]

bug and catch a little bit of the cocaine, you know, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, but seriously.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

No, I. I don't know. Just thought it looked good. Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have other crazy pierced or tattooed?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

You might love this one, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your dick.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I have my dick tattooed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

With Shawn Michael's logo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is incredible. Prince Albert or.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

No, no, just tattoo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tattooed. It's a tattoo.

[Ian Bagg]

I know, me too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like the. The hearts one. One?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Yeah. Broken heart says HBK above it it says HBK Now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you think that. That you'd find your dream girl or something? There's a guy that really wants to see it out there.

[Tommy Tickles]

If it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd Imagine if it's online. Where? Online. Where can people find this at?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

You can find a guy that thinks.

[Brian Holtzman]

Show us that hog. Go with that hog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, keno. Go back to normal lighting. Keno.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Yeah. You can find it on Twitter. Daddy Dick Wolf. On Twitter. My. It's out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daddy Dick Wolf, everybody. For those of you. For that guy. For those of you that are interested in seeing it, you can find it there. Here's a.

[Ian Bagg]

Anything else for what's your worst decision in life?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a great. Wait a second. What the. Is this you?

[Brian Holtzman]

Holy.

[Ian Bagg]

We found it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second. Hold on a second. What exactly are you doing here? What is that? What? What are you doing? Wait a second. Second. Hold on. Spin it back around. What are you doing? What's wrong with you?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I. I got to make money somehow, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. You make money from jerking off? Yeah, yeah, I like them now. Jesus Christ Almighty.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How could you not mention this. This on a interview? It's been eight minutes and now you find out that you stroke a for a living. Telecommunications. With the headset. Yeah, right, you creep. What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually? For money?

[Jeremiah Bishop]

For money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, like this way I know when you were homeless, you probably butt a trucker or something.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

No, for money. Just. Just shot kind of content. Nothing, Nothing crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the question would be, when you say shock content, what's the most shocking thing you've ever done? You told us your Twitter handle. Like we were going to see your dick, maybe, and it turns out you're doing everything we just saw you. Pissing. Stroking it. Double stroke two, hand up and down. The old toilet, plunge motion.

[Ian Bagg]

And how do you not talk about that during your set?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I'm saying. It's incredible. Oh, I used to do cocaine. No, you couldn't watch me jack off minutes after I get off stage.

[Ian Bagg]

That's what you should be talking about.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I don't have anything. That's a minute. About that. I got. I got a couple sets.

[J.J. Alexander]

Got 12 minutes of it, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since you did 46 seconds and it was. Okay, here's a little joke. Oh, no. Right off his dick into the front row. Yeah, that book just caught chlamydia. There he goes. Jeremiah Bishop, everybody.

[Brian Holtzman]

Holy cow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy cow is right, huh? Crazy Ryan. You ever do that?

[Stephen Dozier]

Kind of.

[Brian Holtzman]

Yeah, I did it, but I was in England at the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is definitely, I'm pretty sure, a new name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hell's Bells, everybody. Hell's Bells.

[Hell's Bells]

Hello. Hello. So, just a little bit about me. I'm a quirky person and have a very big habit of making an awkward situation much more awkward. For example, when I went back to school, I went to school with this guy named Alex. Alex came back from summer break as Alexa. So a bunch of us decided we were going to take Alexa out for lunch and celebrate this new transition. Well, our heterosexual young man server was really having a hard time with this. Alexa, bless her heart, was really trying to make the situation a little bit more lighthearted. She leans into the table for the rest of us and says in her high pitched voice, you know, I'd really like to just ask him, can I have a cup of water, please? The rest of the table just laugh, tails off. What do I say? You don't have the balls. Leave it to me. Awkward situation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell's bells, everybody. Hell's bells. Welcome. Hell's bells.

[Ian Bagg]

Did you see the cock on the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

last guy I heard? Hell's bells. How long you been doing stand up right now? This is your first time? Very good. There you go, that makes sense. There you go, that makes sense. So how can I ask you how old you are? Hell's bells?

[Hell's Bells]

51.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

51. Okay, very good. Actually, one of the youngest people on the show tonight. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? What made you want to start stand up here tonight?

[Hell's Bells]

Well, I'm dating a young man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How young?

[Hell's Bells]

He is 10 years younger than me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, look at you.

[Hell's Bells]

Yes.

[Ian Bagg]

Does he have face tattoos?

[Hell's Bells]

He is a big fan of your show. And so I've started watching your show and I, you know, became a fan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Where'd you meet this young buck?

[Hell's Bells]

At a soccer game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of soccer game?

[Hell's Bells]

A San Antonio soccer game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's Latino. He's.

[Hell's Bells]

He is Latino.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is Latino. Found yourself a little.

[Hell's Bells]

Yeah, you wouldn't know it. He looks like a redhead, like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. Yeah. I bet we would never know he's Latino. Yeah, there's no way the world's greatest ice agent would walk right by him. Yeah, totally. Totally. Hells bells. So you. You have money? How do you have money? I know you have money because you're dating a 41 year old Latino boy that's fucking the shit out of you for exactly that reason. So how did you come across this newfound wealth?

[Hell's Bells]

Wow. I'm a nurse. I don't. I work for my money. I don't actually have money. I work my tail end off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, looks like you still have a lot of Tail there. I think you've worked it off just yet. What kind of nurse are you?

[Hell's Bells]

I'm a registered nurse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Hell, yeah. I love it.

[Ian Bagg]

Is that because of the younger guys? Like a sex offended registered nurse?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Just to go to Quinceanera's and introduce herself to the.

[Ian Bagg]

She's not supposed to be that close

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to the soccer field. So tell us more about your life. What else has been going on?

[Hell's Bells]

Well, an interesting thing is we came from the same part of Ohio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what part are you from?

[Hell's Bells]

Newton Falls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, I know.

[Hell's Bells]

Graceville, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Hell's Bells]

Or all fours. Newton Falls. So, Niles, all that area.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I know it all very well. How long were you. Where do you live now?

[Hell's Bells]

Fredericksburg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. All right. And what type of life are you living out there? What are you. What does that look like? You live by yourself?

[Hell's Bells]

Yes, with my son. He's 20.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I work from home.

[Hell's Bells]

I do a lot of community things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're an at home registered nurse?

[Hell's Bells]

I paid my dues, trust me. I worked the shifts, I've done all that stuff. I now am an advocate and I have 28 patients.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. Incredible. Okay.

[Brian Holtzman]

What, do they come to your house? What are you talking about?

[Hell's Bells]

I call them. It's all telemedicine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it?

[Hell's Bells]

Telemedicine.

[Brian Holtzman]

So you're lazy, you want to work from home.

[Hell's Bells]

Hence the big ass.

[Brian Holtzman]

No, I'm very impressed with your figure. I like women that are just natural. Fuck working out, fuck exercising, fuck saying no to an extra piece of cake, perhaps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Holtzman]

Never missed a meal in her whole fucking life. Okay, I'm gonna finish that piece of steak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. All right. Right, all right.

[Brian Holtzman]

A nurse. I mean, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you use like a filter when you're talking to your patients? Do you use like a catfish, like, filter so that they get angry? I can't tell if you're laughing or crying. I really hope you're laughing right now.

[Hell's Bells]

I am definitely laughing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Great. Awesome.

[Ian Bagg]

I, I, I got to be honest with you. It's the first time doing, doing stand up. And she decides to do it here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

That's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is.

[Ian Bagg]

That's, that's stupid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, it really is.

[Ian Bagg]

You're out of control.

[Stephen Dozier]

Like, you're.

[Ian Bagg]

You, you don't plan things well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we actually hate that.

[Hell's Bells]

And I'm not crying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Turns out you do have bigger balls than Alex after all. Well, hell's bells, congratulations. You got your start. Here's a little joke book. You're gonna catch it. It's coming at You. I'm gonna. I'm gonna get it right in that hand. Oh, you panicked. Hell's Bell.

[Ian Bagg]

That's why she likes soccer players.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Hell's Bells]

At least I didn't panic earlier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I should have kicked it to you.

[Brian Holtzman]

And I want to say thank you for. For your service, medical professionals, you know.

[Hell's Bells]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Hell's Bells, everybody. All right. We're keeping it moving along here. This young man has been on this show multiple times. Seems always funny. Let's see what the new minute looks like from JP Hinsdale. Everybody make some noise for JP Everyone.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

How's everybody else's bipolar manic depression going? Yeah, let's do this. See a lot of couples in the audience. That's what's up. I'm single. Shut the fuck up. I'll jump. Okay. I warned you. No, man. If you are with somebody, stay, like. Stay where you are. I'm out here in the wilderness. There's nothing out here for you. It's just darkness on the edge of town. I was out with a girl recently and she said, if you're lucky, I'll give you herpes tonight. I had to tell her I wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I don't have health insurance. It's not okay. Cupid. How was my time? Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. One more time for Hell's Bells. With a beard. I'm kidding. J.P. hinsdale is back. Funny stuff. What did you say? Start with bipolar. What you say?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Bipolar manic depression.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that you got that?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at you. That's like your fourth or fifth biggest problem. J.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's not even in the top 10, but let's go with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. One could say you're a bipolar bear.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah, I bring the beef.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you deal with it when you're at your low lows? I. We know you're not hiking or walking or anything like that. So what is it exactly?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I was swimming, but the sea betrayed me, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it did. They kept you in a tank at Sea World.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dorsal fin went soft.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

The kids stopped coming to see me. I couldn't splash anyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It made me very sad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is whitefish.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I got a clog in my blowhole. It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You literally do like. You do look like you have haven't taken a. In a year.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

You look like little do. You know, that's mostly what I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet. What do you like to do when you're sitting on the toilet? How do you kill the time?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I'm. I'M just wondering when I'm gonna have my Elvis moment,

[Ian Bagg]

Like fame.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're talking about eating another peanut butter and banana sandwich. Sure.

[Ian Bagg]

Marrying a 15 year old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's check in with our senior obese Handler correspondent, Brian Holtzman.

[Brian Holtzman]

I can't believe I ate the whole thing. I think what happened here, and I've mentioned this to a friend before, I hope I'm not being accused of repeating myself, but I think what happened here. Your gym burnt down.

[Stephen Dozier]

Didn't it

[J.P. Hinsdale]

close it gay. It gave me an infection.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[Brian Holtzman]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What do you mean?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I. I swear, I. I told you this. He betrayed me. Tony. It was actually the pool at An LA Fitness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah, it got like really infected. I guess I had a cut or something because they didn't clean the pool right. And then I like, I got really. I got sick in a weird way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you explain to us the weird way that you got.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I got crazy delusional. Like, and I had a show that night and like, I got an argument with my friend that didn't make any sense. And I jumped out of the car in the middle of the highway, which was. That was on the way to the show. So that was the first clue. And then I was going doing the show and I had this bit because my friend's show was called Big Dog Sundays and I had. I happened to have a dog sex mask.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's normal. Go ahead.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I can explain it to you, but it really doesn't matter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah. And so I had this bit. Like, I go up there with the mask and not explain it, but I take it off eventually. But I left the mask on the entire set and people did not like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we get. When we got a little off track here, we were talking about the infection from the pool at LA Fitness.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Then I got back to that house and our AZ was out, but I was like freezing cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your AZ was out?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

My AC okay. My az. Az okay. But yeah, and like, I was like, I had chills and they were like talking to other. Trying to figure out if they should call the ambulance, but I don't have health insurance, so that was kind of the thing. And then for a while there, I couldn't walk for like a week because it just like my leg was just that fucked up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what did they say that you had?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I got an infection in my leg. Like, I never went to the doctor. I just. I got better event. I get pouring.

[Ian Bagg]

No, you still got a fever, bud. Because I'm lost during this conversation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You Never went to the doctor.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Dude, I broke my leg and never went to the doctor. You know me, We've done this. Like, that's why the legs up in the first place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, you have to go to the doctor sometimes.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I would like to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the last time you've been to a doctor?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's. It's been a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's been a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many minutes? How many years?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, it's not that bad. What did they say last time you were there? Come back more often.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's just like. It got into a question about with the leg. They. They told me they had to break it again and put pins in it to make it right again. And I. I couldn't take off time to do that. And then I just. Eventually I just got used to it. And then I was just like, you know what I don't want to do?

[Ian Bagg]

Take off time from what?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I want to do this. So I do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you say, Ian?

[Ian Bagg]

Take off time from what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take off time from what?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I was a mechanic.

[Ian Bagg]

Oh, yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you now?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you make money?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I have my ways.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say ways, do you mean W, E, I, G, H S?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yes. Okay. Some people like some very specific videos and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, just. Just look it up.

[Stephen Dozier]

Look it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm with you.

[Ian Bagg]

Look his up.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Hey, don't look up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Johnny.

[Ian Bagg]

Sepsis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Van.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

We're friends. Red Van. Come on, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have we. Have we weighed you before on the show?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Please don't. I just started to diet. I'm not ready to kill myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you remember what you weighed last time? You remember what you weighed? What was it?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

4:30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

4:30?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we bring this scale out here real quick?

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It's gonna be bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. That's why I'm excited right now. Skinniest girl ever brings the lovely Heidi is setting up the scale right now. Here we go. J.P. hinsdale. Heidi, you got eyes on that? Can you give me a read?

[Ian Bagg]

Lean on him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is it? £445.4.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J.P. yeah. What the. Dude, what are you doing? We need to save your life right now.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I know. I don't know. I'm trying. Yeah. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jay, the last.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah, thanks, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jp, the last two times you've been on, you've had really depressed missing material. Like, that's not normal that you used to have. Are you going through, like, depression? Like, hardcore? Like, Red Band. Have you been paying attention? Ever have, like, medication for it and, like, you've gotten. No. What are you talking? That's the worst question. Literally the whole set and interviews weren't like this or is other material.

[Brian Holtzman]

It could be seasonal depression.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It has to either be winter, summer.

[Ian Bagg]

Is there a doctor in here that might want to take this case?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a doctor in the house? Clap your hands if you're an actual doctor. Is that an actual doctor or just some dumb bitch clapping for no reason? Yeah, there you go.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I used to talk to my therapist every other week, but I lost the coverage I did have.

[Brian Holtzman]

Don't. Don't lose too much weight because I'll tell you, and this is true for everybody here, the fatter your head, the smaller your ears.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look, look, that's great advice.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

It is. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And everybody's great little ears.

[Brian Holtzman]

Doesn't he, though? Yeah, because as we get older, your ears keep growing. That's why you see old people with big ass ears, big noses. Because the cartilage in your ears and in your nose, they keep growing.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

This is. This is great advice.

[Brian Holtzman]

Too much.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I really appreciate it. You're like the grandpa that used to drink in front of me. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's check in with the great Ian bag.

[Ian Bagg]

Apparently there is a doctor here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Holtzman. Dr. Holtzman. Dr.— Small, You have such an.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

For you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have such an adorable giggle.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's going to play so well in the In Memoriam video, though.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah, not the first to say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I. I bet that's not a good sign this month.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Still here. Okay, that wasn't funny. I'm sorry. That was. That was me. I'm sorry. Oh, this is bad. Like, enjoy that, everybody. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

Yeah, There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, J.P. well, let me just tell you that you use the code SPACE80 at Talk Space. Without a doubt. Go to talkspace.com Tony Enter promo code SPACE80 and you, my friend, can literally get $80 off your first month. We love talk space, man. Yeah, we love talk space and you should too.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

I'm glad I was here for this. You really touched me with your. Your targeted ads.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. J.P. hinsdale, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Put them. Put the mic back where you found it there, J.P. it's the least you could do there. All right. I guess that's not really the spot, but okay. Guess that's just how he lives life. Just. Well, you guys ready for one last bucket pull, huh? All right, we'll make it quick. Make some noise for Isaac Butterfield, everybody. Isaac Butterfield. Here he is.

[Isaac Butterfield]

G', day, Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you?

[Brian Holtzman]

Fantastic.

[Isaac Butterfield]

To Be here. I tell you what, I'm learning a lot about this beautiful city. It's fantastic. It's gorgeous. I was walking down 6th Street, I saw a lady on her back and I saw her pussy. That was fantastic. Wonderful to see. I tell you what, though, she was like the full legs spread. I felt like I was in Dallas. It was an interesting pussy. It looked like JFK's exit wound. It was full on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was.

[Isaac Butterfield]

No, it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was crazy.

[Isaac Butterfield]

There was a big old flap going over a Waymo. I saw Jackie Kennedy chasing. It was fantastic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wonderful.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Great. Although I've been hearing some. I know this is a very progressive town. Sir, with your pink hair. Fantastic. Good stuff. Very progressive. I saw that Barbie recently released a Down syndrome Barbie doll, which is very, very interesting. There was a lot of other Barbie dolls as well. There was a black Barbie doll. There was an Asian Barbie doll. There was a Barbie doll in a wheelchair. That was a cross promotion with Hot Wheels, which is interesting. But the down syndrome Barbie doll was my favorite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It had this.

[Isaac Butterfield]

It was expensive. I wouldn't buy it personally. Just put the regular Barbie doll in the microwave for 25 seconds, you get the same result. That's my thinking. Hello, Brian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you?

[Isaac Butterfield]

You're well, sir? You're going all right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome, Isaac. Good to see you, sir. It's your first time on the show, correct?

[Isaac Butterfield]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you? First time here?

[Isaac Butterfield]

Yes. First time on Kill, Tony. It's great to be here. From what I hear backstage, you guys have been a fucking fantastic crowd. So good on you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fantastic stuff. Look at you. Trying to get them on your. What, are you running for governor or something? Hello, Isaac. Do you live here in America?

[Isaac Butterfield]

I do not. I'm from Australia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[J.P. Hinsdale]

From.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Yeah, from Newcastle, so. Kangaroo, echidna, etc.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Isaac Butterfield]

11 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

11 years.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Quite a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How long have you been in Austin for?

[Isaac Butterfield]

About a week and a half. So it's good. I'm never coming back in summer. This is atrocious. Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a warmer out. So this is your second time signing up for the show?

[Isaac Butterfield]

Yeah, I was here last week and Tony always talks about On Kill, Tony, about the amount of people that sign up, but there is a huge amount of people next door and it's. Yeah, it's an incredible thing that you and Brian have done. So congratulations to you too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you very much.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Not cock too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Ian Bagg]

It's good to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go Ahead, Brian. He's in.

[Brian Holtzman]

Why don't you just suck everybody off up here? Suck the blind guy off, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. D Madness. Famously the most homophobic person on this stage.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Right.

[Stephen Dozier]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally just said no. Isaac, what do you do for work?

[Isaac Butterfield]

I'm a comedian, so. I'm a comedian from Australia and tour and all that type of stuff. I make YouTube videos as well, so,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love it. Tell us something crazy about your life.

[Isaac Butterfield]

I have paroxysmal dyskinesia. Big fan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Which is a movement disorder where I lose control of my head and my neck and I go blind in my left eye. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crikey fucking how dare you, Brian.

[Isaac Butterfield]

How dare you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, wait, when does this happen? How often does this happen?

[Isaac Butterfield]

Rarely. But my biggest fear is it happening on stage. So I actually wink. Wink quite a bit when I'm on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like a nervous. That's crazy, because I noticed that. I thought you just winked at D Madness after. Well, you said no, and I thought you were trying to be funny, but now that you mention it, I see you just wink a lot with your left eye. I do. I do.

[Isaac Butterfield]

It's very weird, but when you say

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you lose control of your head and neck, can you, like, do an act out of kind of what it looks like? Like, what happens when you have.

[Isaac Butterfield]

I. I would be honored,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Basically. Yeah.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Turn the lights up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'll.

[Isaac Butterfield]

I basically imagine trying to look behind yourself to see what's there. That's it.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Like that.

[Isaac Butterfield]

And I go blind in my left eye, which is awesome. So bright lights aren't great for me, which is just fucking. But it's okay. So it hasn't happened on stage yet, but there is time, and that would be great for views.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. No doubt about it.

[Ian Bagg]

You got nothing going on compared to the last guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Exactly.

[Ian Bagg]

Good luck with your blindness. You should talk to him afterwards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could tell you had it better than the last guy when you said your diagnosis. Yo, he had an actual name of anything, just like. It was an infection. Tony. It was an infection. I don't know. It was an infection. An infection.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Diabetes causes blindness eventually, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does?

[Isaac Butterfield]

Diabetes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah, that, too, yeah. You saw him. He was back there.

[Isaac Butterfield]

I had to stand up like that to let him get past me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I.

[Fern]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Allegedly.

[Isaac Butterfield]

I don't know if it happened or not.

[Ian Bagg]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Isaac, you have a wife? Girlfriend. Oh, Holtzman.

[Brian Holtzman]

You know, I thought you were winking at me, and now I know it's a medical problem. I'm kind of disappointed. You know

[Isaac Butterfield]

you look like you've sucked a clown off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He does look. That is it. You never nailed it. You got him.

[Brian Holtzman]

I love your work with old fuck yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a wife, a girlfriend?

[Isaac Butterfield]

I have a beautiful wife, Claire, and my son Atticus. We're touring America at the moment doing shows and so he gets to see the world. He's been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old's Atticus?

[Isaac Butterfield]

He is two and a half. First time he came to America, he was five months old. And we got off the plane in Austin, he had his little fan on and he's a great man. He finds farts hilarious and he's just a. He's an absolute legend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you sign up for the show that last time you came to Austin?

[Isaac Butterfield]

No, I didn't. No, No, I. I was. I was too scared, Tony.

[Tommy Tickles]

Okay.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Because not to be a fucking hero, but I. I usually do longer sets, so a minute really scares me. And. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

again, Holtzman killing with no microphone necessary. Just the first four at us too. Just the first four rows. Cracking up in the whole table. Who cares about the millions watching around the world? Again, the senior veteran professional on stage, Brian Holtzman, the destroyer. No audio necessary. I love it. Isaac, what does your wife do?

[Isaac Butterfield]

She is unemployed. She's a stay at home mom. She's a. A failure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's a whore. She's. She.

[Isaac Butterfield]

No, she is a whore.

[Hell's Bells]

She.

[Isaac Butterfield]

But she's a good whore and she's got a lot of heart and no good woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long are you in town for, Isaac?

[Isaac Butterfield]

I'm here until Wednesday and then we're going to la, to the Hollywood Improv, if you're around. And then into New York as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Everywhere.

[Isaac Butterfield]

I finally got a visa. That is the hardest thing I've ever done. Getting a visa into America is ridiculous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you have to do to get it?

[Isaac Butterfield]

I had to prove I was an alien of extraordinary ability. I had to show them articles about myself and all of those articles say I'm a piece of shit. So that was tough, but basically it costs you a lot of money and you have to.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Yeah.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Prove to the people that you're a legit human being. And. And that's what I had to do. And show that I was a comedian, et cetera, et cetera.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But we're here.

[Isaac Butterfield]

We finally got here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made it. You won't have to be looking over your shoulder anymore.

[Isaac Butterfield]

It's great to be here. And I got to do the most American thing today. I got to shoot an AK47, so.

[Brian Holtzman]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Nothing better than a winky twitchy guy shooting an AK47

[Ian Bagg]

I like the most American thing is shooting a Russian gun.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Yeah, it's very fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isaac, you're super likable, super cool. Great stuff. Here's a big joke book.

[Isaac Butterfield]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isaac Butterfield, ladies and gentlemen. And that is it for the bucket pools. Ladies and gentlemen, we have come to that part of the show where normally there's only one man that can do it. But that man, William Montgomery, unfortunately is not here tonight. It is correct, the rare night off for old Billy McGumballs, the old Memphis strangler, the vanilla gorilla is not here. And normally in that kind of situation we would have the cold blooded Estonian assassin fill in for him. But again, unfortunately all my stars are far away in the galaxy on this night. Except for one. I had to really pull some strings to make this happen. I hope that it excites you as much as it excites me. As I bring to the stage who I believe is the next big superstar of the Kill Tony universe. Fresh off of his first ever weekend opening for me. And I was very curious of how it was going to go. I've been doing this 18 years. He blew my mind on the road doing these longer sets. And I present to you pure thunderbolt of momentum on a one way trajectory of wild success. This is only the third ever appearance by the one and only Timmy. No Bricks.

[Timmy No Bricks]

What the was that? All right, William isn't here. He sent me his jokes. Just gonna go through them. Elon Musk said in an interview this week that AI will replace Mexicans by 2028. To which Mexicans said aye, yai yai

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yai, yai, yai yai.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Okay, good job, William. This one just says Tony moving forward. Can I go by Clifford the big red angry retard? Okay, I think that might have been an interview thing. I don't fucking know.

[Stephen Dozier]

Okay.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Vietnam invaded Italy this week. When asked why, they said fuuget about it. I think that needs. I think that needs work, William. Conservative activist Charlie Cook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope. Let's.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Redband. If you play the bear, I'm gonna titty fuck you. All right? Nash's perseverance robot. My hands are shaking because I'm going through pussy withdrawal right now. I haven't fucked in like two hours. It just. Honestly, this just says the N word a bunch of times. Let's just wrap it up right there. All right, thank you, William.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. A minute 25 seconds of the newest Thunderbolt. Timmy. No breaks, all gas, no brakes, non stop. So fun on the road at home. Anywhere you can find him. He's a blast.

[Hell's Bells]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New jacket I noticed tonight, Timmy, no breaks. This is a whole different version.

[Timmy No Bricks]

You're not Ron Tone. You didn't mention David Lucas was on the road with us. Yeah, and that guy sat on my leather jacket. It exploded and he gave me his leather jacket and. Just kidding. This is too small, but, yeah, fun times on the road tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was unbelievable. I don't want to give anything away, but, oh, my God, you are so different. It's so bizarre and fun and different. There's no other way to describe it. You don't even think like other comedians do.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Yeah, thanks. That's a nice thing to say, Tom. That's really, really nice. Thank you.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Thank you.

[Timmy No Bricks]

He was right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This looks like a clown. It's unbelievable, right? That's crazy.

[Timmy No Bricks]

It's like Adolf Hitler became a magician.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His. It looks like. It looks like he got splashed by one of those people protesting oil or something like that. A little bit.

[Brian Holtzman]

A little bit yourself.

[Timmy No Bricks]

I'll take it, grandpa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was good, Timmy. No breaks. One of the top young rising comedians in the world. This chat jacket.

[Timmy No Bricks]

You want this, Michael?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Michael's going to dismantle jacket.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Love him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is unbelievable how tiny Big Mike Gonzalez is coming fresh off of a victory. Oh, my God, look at him. He's just lost in his sleeve. Oh, my God. That is adorable. You look like one of those.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Just like David L. Lucas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's crazy. You look like a little Eskimo over there. Timmy, no breaks. Tell us, what have you been doing lately for fun? You're always up to, you know, some real ruckus.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Yeah. Just being. Just plowing through push and I mean, it was great to be on the road with you. That was really fun. You and David, we got up to crazy stuff. I love seeing your routine, you know, like, kind of like what you do after the shows. Like that thing you did when you. So like after every show, he smokes cigarettes, he has some drinks, and then he does his thing where he has a bunch of 17 year olds that are about to turn 18 at midnight just line up outside of his hotel room and. And then he fucks him one by one. And it's good. I thought that was pretty creative and, like, cool and like, whatever, you know. So that was fun. It's been good to get to know you. Yeah, that was good.

[Fern]

Fresh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that?

[Tommy Tickles]

What?

[Timmy No Bricks]

What the did you just say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, what the do you just say? Dumbass. Dumbass.

[Timmy No Bricks]

I'm trying to do Willingham.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Trying to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, you shut the up. Timmy, I gotta tell you, you know, for someone who's there's. This place is in chaos. I mean, this is what you create. It's always a ruckus. I, I, and I'm sure millions of people are watching around the world right now. And I mean, you are that guy right now. You are the fastest rising stock in the show. Why don't you control the situation a little bit and tell perhaps a young comic out there who might be thinking about chasing their dreams. Why don't you have your moment and tell them?

[Timmy No Bricks]

Are you trying to me right now? What's going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm trying to have you.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Okay, well, first of all, put subtitles on everything throughout the entire episode, so you have to do that Red Band. But William did give me a list. It was Epstein's list, so I was just gonna. I don't know, I could read that maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you want the lights or the music a certain way? Whatever, you know, do your thing, Timmy.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Yeah. Whatever you do for William is good. If you're trying to be a comedian and that's your dream, fucking quit. You're never gonna make it. Okay, let's see how this goes. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Britney Spears. Oh. Christina Aguilera.

[Brian Holtzman]

Raven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Simone.

[Timmy No Bricks]

That's actually so Raven.

[Brian Holtzman]

The cast of Nickelodeon's all that.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Oh, that's actually the Victimless.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fucking weird.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Yeah. My bad. It just says on the. It says d madness times 500.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

I don't.

[Timmy No Bricks]

To be fair, they probably sounded 19, you know? Am I right? Am I right,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy? Always going to for that fist bump with D Madness. I think. I don't think he has.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Is he like, blind or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is. He's blind.

[Stephen Dozier]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ. We call him Timmy no eyes.

[Jeremiah Bishop]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Timmy No Bricks]

If you could have seen what I saw.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Timmy, any parting words? Anything you want to tell the people watching around the world?

[Timmy No Bricks]

Fucking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

fuck you. You did a big. You've been doing a lot of headlining gigs. You did a big jazz club.

[Timmy No Bricks]

Yeah, I did a huge jazz club. It was. I think it was a 50,000 seater or something. Sioux Falls. I don't know if you guys have been there. It's like South Dakota. Whatever. Big show. Yeah, Big line out the front and. Yeah. Just gave it my all and they said it was good. I think the New York Times was there. They did an op ed. I think vulture.com was there. They did an op ed. Yeah, I think Red Band's mom was there. She did a op Ed on my car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Timmy. No, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. The future has arrived. This episode brought to you by bluecho, Zip recruiter and Spotify. One more time for Timmy. No breaks. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. It is incredible. It is Holtzman Indian bag, ladies and gentlemen. Go to ianbag.com he is on tour. I swear to God, if you see him live, your mind will be blown. Truly one of the best comedians out there. He has the Husky Boys podcast available everywhere. And Brian Holtzman, as always has brought visual plugs. On Facebook he's Brian Holtzman. On YouTube, he's Brian Holtzman now, I guess. Oh, I see. Okay. It is two sided. And on Instagram he's at Brian Holtzman. He prints these up and laminates them. Instead of just telling me and me writing them down, he actually brings them. Was Brian Holtzman not available on YouTube? You needed Brian Holtzman now? Yeah. How about one more time for yeah.

[Ian Bagg]

Ian, thanks for having us, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Ian Bagg]

This is a great show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you for having us. Husky boys podcast ianbag.com that's Ian I-A N B A G G double G. And Brian Holtzman does the late show every Thursday in the first Fat Man, 10pm so technically you could go to Red Band secret show, double up. Come see Holtzman and the fat man for a perfect 5, 6 hours of stand up comedy on a Thursday night. If you find yourself in Austin, Texas and life is good, I'm gonna be doing some stand up. Check out my dates@tony hinchcliffe.com Red Band. Check out my fake band cap. Red 7 new video VCR on YouTube right here. Now that is AI music, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most. I write the lyrics and make the beats. Amazing, unbelievable stuff. It is incredible. He plugs in the words and I write lyrics and upload beats and have AI sing it for me. How do you make the beats on Fruity Loops and GarageBand. Wow. It's getting unbelievable. The musician Brian Redband has arrived. Ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen, Blue Cho Zip recruiter. Shopify, everybody. Live audience, we love you. We'll see you again next week. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.