#762 - ARI SHAFFIR + KEVIN RYAN + H. FOLEY

Summary

Kill Tony #762 Podcast Summary

Date: March 31, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Special Guests: Ari Shaffir, Kevin Ryan, H. Foley

Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony delivers exactly what fans have come to expect from the #1 live podcast: chaotic, hilarious, and unfiltered comedy chaos. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban are joined by powerhouse comedy podcasters Kevin Ryan and H. Foley (Are You Garbage?), with a surprise return appearance by Ari Shaffir, fresh off his global travels. The episode features classic Kill Tony antics: random bucket comedians performing a minute of their material followed by unsparing interview roasts, recurring bits about masculinity, odd jobs, ethnic stereotypes, and riffing on everything from bluechew-fueled boners to barista trauma, plus several cameo interruptions from celebrities and local characters.

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Headliners: Featured Guests & Memorable Moments

Kevin Ryan & H. Foley

• Hosts of the popular Are You Garbage? podcast and returning Kill Tony favorites.
• Consistently riff throughout, dissecting “garbage” traits and backgrounds of each comedian and Tony himself.
• Notable exchange:
  • Ryan (22:14): "You're the third hottest carpenter I've ever seen." (to Hannah Jane)
  • Ryan (31:02): "Black does crack." (in response to Mr. Ziegler’s age joke)

Ari Shaffir

• Surprises the panel with an unscheduled drop-in after 8 months abroad in Latin America ([49:46]).
• Shares dark travel observations and riffs on American ignorance about the world.
• Announces new storytelling show (available at YMHAstudios.com), including an upcoming episode with Tony:
  • Ari (54:32): "Maybe you were familiar with my old one. Can't legally say the name, but...this is not happening."
• Memorable line (53:15):
  • On Latin American homeless people: "At least the homeless people in those countries have the decency to be ashamed about it. These guys are lounging."

Surprise Pop-ins:

• Johnny Manziel (66:15): "You taught me about loyalty, all this..."
• Pauly Shore (67:39): Gets “dragged” on stage, laments not being on more Netflix episodes, teases Tony about showbiz priorities.
  • Pauly (69:03): “How long have I known Tony for? For a long time... And I, I just. I don't know what happened, dude…”
  • Compares Tony's Netflix choices to being left out of Pulp Fiction.

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Standout Bucket Comedians & Interviews

1. William Montgomery [06:33]

• Classic William: A set full of non sequiturs (Yoko Ono, Fred Flintstone, Ms. Cleo).
• Admits to eating “Blue Chew” (Viagra chewables), describing his "thing" as “feeling pretty good right now, Tony” ([08:32]).
• Hilarious long story about dropping his cell phone in his own feces during a show in San Diego ([08:43]).
  • Tony (09:09): “So, your phone's in the shit, you grab it barehanded?”
  • Detailed process of cleaning the poop-soaked phone and discovering "residue" in the charging port.
• Talks about being targeted by a Ukrainian web scammer and the hazards of fan-made websites ([13:48]).

2. Hannah Jane [17:30]

• Carpentry worker with a “tough” deadpan delivery, jokes about being misgendered, and her struggles dating men “more masculine” than herself.
• Tony (22:14): "For only a year in, you're extraordinary."
• Highlights her Ford Exploder SUV and Dodge pickup truck; confirms moving back with her Navy pilot dad.

3. Mr. Ziegler [25:24]

• 15 years in stand-up, out of the scene due to "bad baby mama choices.”
• Hilariously candid about his love for “studs” and threesomes, with a running theme of not putting his “whole thing in” ([29:17]):
  • Mr. Ziegler (29:17): “My grandpa always told me, don't put the whole thing in. And I did.”
• Works as barber/cook; riffs on not liking "hair down there."
• Strong rapport with the panel, becomes a recurring character throughout.

4. Riley Galvin [34:32]

• 21-year-old from Knoxville, TN; works at Little Caesars, student at UTK studying journalism.
• Jokes about necrophilia, ventriloquism, and the Utah Jazz; gets grilled for possibly saying “necrophiliac” with a G.
• Panel interrogates his hair/hat look, college pie-throwing fundraisers, poverty, and ketamine culture among Gen Z.

5. Joe Ellis [42:27]

• Trans comic, Blackhawk helicopter pilot turned woman, leans into dark, identity-based humor.
• Discusses media attention after first Kill Tony appearance, opening for national acts, and the unique presence trans comics bring.
  • Joe (44:43): "This show has changed my life. Slate did an article..."
• Boasts of an increased number of black men in her DMs and dating both men and women.
• Tony (47:58): “You’re doing a lot for the trans community by getting roasted, trying to fire back...”

6. Dedrick Flynn [120:50]

• The “dark storm of Austin” closes with high-energy, sharply observed bits about black debt, white people insurance, and student loans.
  • Dedrick (121:57): “I owe $40,000 to Sallie Mae.” (used to get out of police trouble)
  • Dedrick (123:07): “You will get soft like you will get…” (hospital prioritization with student debt)
• Panel acknowledges his killer regular sets and rapid evolution.
  • Tony (126:48): "You did it again tonight...you always go with the win."

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Additional Notable Performers & Moments

Trinity Altamire [75:58]

• Named after “The Matrix”; jokes about men looking for salvation, three proposals in one year, and coming off meds.
• Arrested for weed in East Texas; currently political organizer for affordable housing.

Orhun Timor (Golden Ticket Winner from Turkey) [84:54]

• Self-deprecating about marriage prospects; jokes about not dating women with “bad judgment.”
• Dishes on Turkish stereotypes, American assimilation, and navigating fame after Kill Tony.

Nate Hong Kong [95:28]

• Hong Kong-born, quips about big penises, failed driving tests, and his possibly-spy mother.
• Recently relocated to Austin; looking for bar work; riffs on Asian stereotypes and slurs (“turnip head”).

Rock Out Millie [103:45]

• Half-Black, half-German; currently homeless, living in shelters; working to get a job at Whole Foods seafood counter.
• Brings musical energy (whips out a harmonica), promotes cartoon project “Dope Cone” ([110:30]).
  • Rock Out Millie (112:24): “A suit. Inside.” (on job interview apparel)

Alex Hurtline [113:00]

• Recognized for prominent birthmark; tight, well-crafted one-liners about OKC Thunder and wax museum sex.
• Bounces back from last year’s bucket hat fiasco; panel heaps praise.

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Memorable Quotes & Bits

• “At least the homeless people [in Latin America] have the decency to be ashamed about it. These guys are lounging.” – Ari Shaffir [53:15]
• “You’re the third hottest carpenter I’ve ever seen." – Kevin Ryan to Hannah Jane [22:14]
• "My grandpa always told me, don't put the whole thing in." – Mr. Ziegler [29:17]
• “That was a big pile—it looked solid, but if you stirred it around a little…” – William Montgomery, on the poop phone incident [11:31]
• “You just taught me about loyalty, all this…” – Johnny Manziel, pop-in [66:15]
• “How long have I known Tony for?... I don't know what happened, dude.” – Pauly Shore roasting Tony [69:03]
• “WPN: White People Insurance. I just got health insurance.” – Dedrick Flynn [121:20]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [06:33] William Montgomery set & interview
• [17:30] Hannah Jane performs/interview
• [25:24] Mr. Ziegler’s off-the-rails sex and barber tales
• [34:32] Riley Galvin, Little Caesars, and Gen Z culture
• [42:27] Joe Ellis (trans comic) lights it up
• [49:46] Ari Shaffir’s surprise return
• [66:15] Johnny Manziel cameo
• [67:39] Pauly Shore’s crowd turn/shameless self-promotion
• [75:58] Trinity Altamire (“Matrix,” political organizer)
• [84:54] Orhun Timor (Golden Ticket, Turkish comic)
• [95:28] Nate “Hong Kong,” Asian stereotypes, spy mom
• [103:45] Rock Out Millie, homeless comic, Whole Foods plans, harmonica
• [113:00] Alex Hurtline (birthmark, one-liners)
• [120:50] Dedrick Flynn regular set: Black debt, WPN, student loans

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Tone, Structure & Running Riffs

• Roast-forward, spontaneous, and rapid-fire, this episode features irreverence toward identity politics, “garbage” lifestyles, and panel introspection.
• Recurring bits:
  • Masculinity (tough women, blue collar jobs, “Are You Garbage?” segments)
  • Penis/Bluechew jokes
  • Panelist and audience “heel turns”
  • Realness and unpredictability of the bucket process

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Final Thoughts

Episode #762 is a master class in live comedy podcasting, blending spectacle, surprise, and unscripted brilliance, while honoring the show’s roots in nurturing up-and-coming comics through ruthless honesty and a uniquely supportive/dysfunctional community. Regulars, one-liners, accidental confessions, and a parade of misfit characters keep the pace relentless and the laughs constant for die-hard fans and newcomers alike.

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For full set recaps and behind-the-scenes action, visit KILLTONY.TV or the Comedy Mothership archives.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

[Redband]

This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and

[Redband]

anywhere you get podcasts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[Redband]

The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives?

[Ari Shafir]

The undisputed number one live podcast in the world is coming to Wrestlemania.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Triple H, have you seen these auditions?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, hey, Tony. Last year I became the most must

[Ari Shafir]

hear rooster of all time.

[Redband]

It's comedy you're looking for.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I don't like to brag, G. A party show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me show you what I can do.

[Ari Shafir]

Is this thing even on a priest?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And a Rabi walks into a bar? I didn't really mean everything I. I said that night.

[Ari Shafir]

This is going to be insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is going to be awesome.

[Ari Shafir]

Kill Tony. Saturday, April 18th. Tickets on sale.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in

[Dedrick Flynn]

Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get up, Andy. Who's 30 for the best tonight of their lives, huh? Yippee. Make some nice for Brian Red Band and that. It's the best damn band in all the land. How about one more time for them, huh? Oh, my goodness. Hello, everybody. You are here at the number one live podcast in the world. This episode's brought to you by Shopify and Quo. How we feeling tonight, you guys Excited to be here. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. Si, senor. You can't call ICE with the phones locked up. One more time for Matt Muhling. He's actually an undercover ICE officer. Fun fact. That's why he sits on the other side. And John Dees is on the keys, everybody. He is the band that put this whole band together. And this right here is D Madness. Live in the flesh. Everyone, we have an unbelievable episode ready for you. I mean, I think so. We have no idea what's gonna fucking happen. Really. But before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all. You guys ready to start this show or what? Boy, oh, boy, do I have good news for you guys. Every single week, I book this show. This week, no different. Two of the funniest human beings in the world. Most importantly, two masters of podcasting. Two guys that on this show are literally two of my favorites. I've been looking forward to this for a very long time. Please welcome the hosts of the RU Garbage podcast, two of the best. It's Kevin Ryan and H. Foley, everybody. Yes, Here we go. H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, let's go. Two of the best guests in the show's history. They are on the Back on the Block tour. Tickets [e-mail] Boys, gentlemen, welcome back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Thanks for having us, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go. Here we.

[Redband]

Thank you, Austin, for having us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn right. You guys have done the show numerous times before. It's always, always the best fucking episodes. This bucket, as you know, is filled with hundreds, hundreds of names. They're all stacked on top of each other at a disgusting bar next door. I mean, it is horrible. The conditions are crazy. There have been fights lately. There's people sweating all over each other. They have vodka tonic pitchers for like $3 or something. Insane. So people are, like getting too fucked up. They're trying to make money off these open micrs that should not be drinking before the show, before the opportunity of a lifetime. If I pull their name out of the bucket, it's simple. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted in front of millions and millions of viewers at home. And the hundreds and hundreds in this packed house, you know, they're 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. It means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set with an extremely loud noise. And then I conduct an interview and try to find out more about them and their insane lives. And anything can happen. The entire thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're going to start it with a bang tonight, everybody. This guy, for the literally the longest time, was the corporate closer of the show. He is the hall of fame member with the record for most appearances in the show's history. Most interviews in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that some people call the Baron of Bluechew. The Sultan of Shopify, the Queen of Quo, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgome.

[William Montgomery]

Yoko Ono, the widow of Beatles great John Lennon just revealed she thinks he was gay. I think that explains some of the songs he wrote. Norwegian Wood, Roll Over Beethoven, Twist and Shout. This boy has my penis in his mouth. And by the way, are they ever going to make the Fred Flintstone car again? A guy in LA died after cutting his own dick off. Red Band. What does it feel like not to have a dick? Oh, you use AI cool. I used it 20 years ago. It was called Miss Cleo Bumbleclot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rudeboy.

[William Montgomery]

Y' all may not know this, but Apex twins real name is Richard D. James. So when he goes on stage, he says, it's Rick James.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my tie, Tony.

[William Montgomery]

Wow, Tony, I thought that was going to be a rare Apex twin. When you laughed at. I thought I was going to get you with the It's Rick James part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I got to tell you, Apex twin. I mean, let's just glance over the topics of this set. Yoko ono, Fred Flintstone, Ms. Cleo and Rick James. Can anybody guess what year we're in right now? William, what is going on with your writing process? Is there not you?

[William Montgomery]

What's going on with my penis right now? That blue 2 guy gave me one of those things that told me it was fucking candy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude.

[William Montgomery]

I ate a whole one of those new ones. The Viagra with all that other shit in it. Yeah, I took one of those earlier tonight. My thing feels pretty good right now, Tony. Yeah, that was a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael, that was a drum hit. Say that one more time. Your thing's feeling what, Tony?

[William Montgomery]

My thing's feeling pretty good right now. Ah, there you go. Not feeling good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, sometimes those drums can sober your little boner up.

[William Montgomery]

I know. And also, Tony, before I answer your question, I was in San Diego this past weekend and I was doodooing. And I was doodooing. And I get up and I hold. I'm holding my cell phone. It falls out of my hands and I think, oh my God, it's about

[Kevin Ryan]

to fall in all.

[William Montgomery]

And I block it out of the way and it ricochets off the side of the wall and it goes right into my shit, Tony. It was horrible. And I had to go on stage 30 minutes before that. I mean, it was horrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's go one step at a time here. So at the point in which you look down and your phone's in the shit, do you immediately grab it with your bare hand? Do you grab paper towels? What exactly is the William Montgomery approach?

[William Montgomery]

I immediately grab it with my right hand. There's literally shit on the ph phone.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

It was horrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like the 10 second rule, kind of. Thank you, Red Band. I don't know why I looked at you.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I actually really. I agree with Red Band on that one, Tony. I really agree with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what, after 10 seconds. Then what would you do?

[Redband]

Leave it for mozzarella sticks? Not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who better to have on the panel than the. Are you garbage guys that tries to find out if. When. What is garbagey about people? And here he is. Literally, I go the hall of famer, the biggest deal. The. He's like, me drop phone in. Do do. And Tony. I also gave us my hole.

[William Montgomery]

My shirt. I also came with the hole in my shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rebbe.

[William Montgomery]

And you just fucked that up, dude. I was just talking to Tony, dumbass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then he wanted a hole. Why do you do this, idiot? It's the beginning of the show, idiot. You do have a hole in your shirt. Many people are wondering exactly how much money would you have to make to not have a hole in your shirt?

[Redband]

Can I say that's a polo T shirt. That's been. That's been weathered in with a hole in the shirt. That's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you like that?

[Redband]

Rich guys wear that all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not.

[Kevin Ryan]

Charlie also has holes in his shirt. That's what he's trying to say.

[William Montgomery]

And they ain't polo, but Tony, no. I ended up getting my cell phone out of the shed. I ended up just washing my hands. I got a good lather up with the bar of soap I had in there, and I just washed the cell phone with my soapy hands.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you this. Was there any residue, if you will, in the phone charger port or these sides?

[William Montgomery]

I think it was in the bottom part because I immediately called my father to tell him what happened. And starting to smell this, I'm like, oh, my God. It's still in the bottom part.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Hold on, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My thing's feeling good again, man. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,

[William Montgomery]

no, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. I mean, amazing. Was it like floaters or was it like a pile or what? Thank you. Redband. The question everybody wants to know. Isn't there another sound effect? Go to, like, a different sound effect board. There you go. All right. That's just disgusting to ask a question. What was it a big pile of.

[William Montgomery]

It was. It was one of those ones that it looked solid, but if you just stirred it around a little bit, it would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We call that. We call that the old oval teen. You know what I mean? The oval teen.

[Redband]

The hot cocoa mix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[William Montgomery]

It looked just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Redband]

Was it with marshmallows or without?

[William Montgomery]

It was with corn with yellow.

[Kevin Ryan]

Absolutely.

[William Montgomery]

And red peppers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, red peps. You didn't digest the red peps.

[William Montgomery]

I did not. It's Fajitas the night before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Redband]

You don't digest red peppers.

[William Montgomery]

I do not. It's kind of an anomaly. Redheaded people do not digest red peppers. You digest every other color.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you had San Diego fajitas the night before.

[William Montgomery]

No, I just made some in my oven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made fajitas in your oven?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you take us through the process? Cooking with William Montgomery has never been a segment on this show. Can I get a little fajita with the horn section over there? And here we go. The recipe is fajitas, and this is William Montgomery's recipe.

[William Montgomery]

So you want to get three red peppers, three green peppers, three yellow peppers. You're going to want to cut those buddies up really nice and tight. You want to really chop those things up. You want to make sure they're clean before you start chopping them up. You want to run them through the water for at least 30 to 45 seconds. Once you got them really clean, you want to start chopping those bad boys up really thinly sliced. You want to get some chicken breast going on the side. You want to really cut those suckers up really small, like you would imagine in a Mexican restaurant. Really get those things going. And then you get some of the pepper style. Some really good pepper you put on there, and some. It's a lot of peppers and pepper

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and a lot of peppers already.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. And then you put them in the oven for 25 minutes, and you get it out. They're sizzling. They're wonderful. You get the tortillas going on the eye of the stove maybe five minutes before they come out of the oven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on a second. You said red peppers about nine times. You mentioned chicken. Salt, pepper. There's no onions in this mix.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, there's some onions in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't hear onions. Anybody hear onions?

[William Montgomery]

I forgot to mention, the blue juice shit's messing with my brain, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[William Montgomery]

Be careful driving on blue Jew, because it's really messing with my brain right now, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It only affects one of your heads. Wow. There you go. Dead silence, ladies and gentlemen.

[Redband]

Wait.

[William Montgomery]

Tony, I actually do want to get very serious here for one second. I swear to God, somebody has made. And I'm going to be honest, at the beginning, when all this shit happened with Ukraine and Russia, I'm thinking, okay, maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine. I don't really give a shit, but maybe I'm a little sympathetic to Ukraine. Whatever. Come to find out, somebody made some website called William MontgomeryTour.com I was able to get my little IT person to help me figure out where it's coming from. It's coming from Ukraine. The fucking country of Ukraine. These people are ripping my fucking ass off. So if you get online and try to search for tickets for me, William, MontgomeryTour.com comes up. Do not get any tickets off of there because they're stealing your money. It's horrible. Tony. I'm involved in a cyber warfare game right now. Seriously. That's why I came with my hole in my shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, I've been having this really hard time. Go to the website real quick, will you, Montgomery? Sonar noise. Instead of looking up the website that we're talking about in real time. We needed that sonar noise because it is a cyber war. And what better than a sonar? It actually looks really efficient. Oh, my God. It's literally better than your weapon website.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I don't have a website, so it looks like my website.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You have to go.

[William Montgomery]

One of the ticket things. It's all fake links. Like, I was thinking, oh, if it's a real ticket link, that's wonderful. If it's to the actual comedy club. But it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It goes to StubHub. Yeah, it actually seems to be actual tickets. William, this person might be helping you. Yeah, it's just these people are selling the tickets. The Ukrainians are selling. Well, the Ukrainians are just looking for webs. Oh, wait, no, hold on. Tickets are $178 to go. See you at the House of Comm Comedy in Bloomington. Are you doing.

[William Montgomery]

My tickets are normally just a hundred dollars, so that's how I knew it was fake. No, I'm kidding. That's insane, right? 170. So I don't know. I'm sure nobody's obviously buying any of those tickets. Still scares me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a question. You have holes in your shirt. You are dropping your phone in. Have you thought about making your own website for the tickets that you sell every weekend?

[William Montgomery]

That one worked. Red Band. That was a funny one. Dumbass. I need to. Tony. I need to get somebody. I need to hire somebody to do it, and I haven't done it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like anybody would do that for you. It almost seems like a fan online would easily do that for you because it's so easy.

[William Montgomery]

But last time I did that, I remember doing. There was a Kill Tony episode where I wear a. I wore a beekeeper's outfit and the guy was running my YouTube. He thought I was trying to dress up like the Ku Klux Klan. And he deactivated my YouTube. So I think in regards to working with a fan, Tony, it could. I can't do that again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I was throwing that out as an example. You could. You could also hire somebody for 50 bucks to do it too.

[Redband]

Why don't you hire the Ukraine guys? They seem to be pretty good.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, no, I need to somehow get in. In contact with those people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you something, William, right now. How's that thing feeling?

[William Montgomery]

It feeling really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The show has begun. And now to the bucket we go. Look at this guy. Already going pee just after one comedian. Look at. With a small bladder right here. Wow. What a homo. He made it nine minutes before having to urinate, everybody. My God, I have to tinkle. What a tiny, black. Tiny bladder. Tiny bladder. Oh, yeah. That guy's gonna have a rough time peeing right now. Luckily, he'll be sitting down, so. All right. Your first bucket bowl of the night. Goes by the name of Hannah Jane, everybody. Here we go. Here comes Hannah.

[Hannah Jane]

Oh, sorry. People take one look at me, and they're not really sure what they're looking at. I actually. I get misgendered more often than any woman should, and that. Honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's usually by the same woman that works at 7:11, and she's trying her best. Guys. Yeah, it's like stepping on someone's toes, you know, I can't get mad at that. I'm not gonna correct her. But if, like, someone ever wanted to be polite and ask me what my pronouns are, I will slap you in the face to let you know I'm a bitch. And people are shocked when they find out that I date men. It's just not often, you know, I have one rule. They have to be more masculine than me. It's hard to find. I work in carpentry, and I think that's a big reason why I'm still single, because I work with wood all day. The last thing I want to do is go home and deal with poplar. And if you don't get it, poplar is an extremely soft wood. Better be mahogany. Mahogany's black. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Hannah Jane, welcome. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct?

[Hannah Jane]

Very first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How long been on standup for?

[Hannah Jane]

Year? April 7th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Where at?

[Hannah Jane]

Tampa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tampa. Hell, yeah.

[Hannah Jane]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do have an interesting energy about you. Are you the final boss on the video game Lesbian?

[Hannah Jane]

I. I do give off that, like, gay energy. Probably from doing gay, but gay happens. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That's my bumper sticker on my car. Not a lot of people know that, but if you ever see a Corvette vet that says gay happens, that's me. I love it. You had a. You have a. You had a dad in your life

[Hannah Jane]

that, like, I did. I'm very close with my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I can tell. Like, that's. See, that's what I'm missing. I was raised by a single mom. That's why I'm a little. And you are like, what's up?

[Dedrick Flynn]

This is what's happening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just wearing my.

[Redband]

I would think you had four or five dads in your life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Redband]

the sitcom My Seven Dad Heads.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. I can just picture your dad, like. Like, you know how to, like, fix cars, don't you?

[Hannah Jane]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Wow. What I had in my head. I'm the Blue Chews still activated here. Very interesting. What does your dad do for work?

[Hannah Jane]

He's retired. He was a Navy pilot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. Yeah, he's a real man.

[Hannah Jane]

Real man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did he. Was he in Iraq or.

[Hannah Jane]

He served 20 years, so yes, he did. Did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Awesome. And you do carpentry and do you have a girlfriend or something?

[Hannah Jane]

No, no, I'm single.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're single?

[Hannah Jane]

Very single.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a. Is there a. A dating app for lesbians? Is there like scissor or something like that?

[Hannah Jane]

No, I'm not a lesbian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're really not? Oh, okay.

[Hannah Jane]

Cool. Been there. I tried it. I'll be there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A tough ass woman. Yeah, I love it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have you ever tried a lesbian experience?

[Hannah Jane]

The gayest thing I did, I dated a woman for, like, like two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But that's also the fun fact.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's the straightest thing I've ever done.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Hannah Jane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So can you tell us how that ended? How did. What did you learn from two years with a woman?

[Hannah Jane]

Oh, he sucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you live with the woman?

[Hannah Jane]

I did, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Lesbians tend to. That's a thing. I don't know if you guys know this. A stereotype of lesbians as they move in very quickly. How long were you. How long did you guys not live together before you lived together? If you just had to throw a ballpark out there.

[Hannah Jane]

Oh, maybe like six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That's pretty long. That's a lifetime in the lesbian world.

[Hannah Jane]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So now you're with men again. Are you sometimes tougher than the men that you're with?

[Hannah Jane]

I've been on dates, but no I was. Yeah. No, I haven't been with men in a long time. Oh, I'll say that. Yeah, you guys try. I really do. Like, I go out like this and you guys are. It is desperate times because I. Why. Why you're hitting on me is crazy. I feel bad for y', all, dude. Male loneliness epidemic is real. And I'm part of the problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that you. You're very funny. I love your deadpan, very real delivery. You're self deprecating while also well enunciated for someone from Tampa, Florida.

[Hannah Jane]

Thank you up there.

[Redband]

I don't know what you're talking about. I think you look beautiful.

[Hannah Jane]

Oh, thank you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You got it.

[Hannah Jane]

Appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

You're the third hottest carpenter I've ever seen.

[Hannah Jane]

I am.

[Redband]

You guys, shut up. This is an easy target. Anyway. Tampa, huh?

[Hannah Jane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So tell us more about you, Hannah. You have any hobbies or anything like that? Other than stand up comedy and carpenting?

[Hannah Jane]

No, I've been really getting into stand up. I do like five mics a week in Tampa, which is very difficult. No, there's not. Nobody really does anything anymore. I don't think, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of. What kind of car do you have? Or pickup trucker?

[Hannah Jane]

I drive a Dodge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do have a what?

[Hannah Jane]

I drive a Dodge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A Dodge pickup truck.

[Hannah Jane]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. I nailed it. Look at that. Hit a button for me. All right. I love it. Have you always had a pickup truck?

[Hannah Jane]

No, this is my second truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Subaru was the first one, right?

[Hannah Jane]

No, it was a little Ford Expl. Exploder is what they call them. Tend to blow up. Tested the theory. They do. They blow up. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, most women don't know that y. Most women would drive the Ford Explorer. Then they're calling for help on the side of the road. She's like, I knew this was going. Yeah, these goddamn thing. No, they don't make them like they used to.

[Hannah Jane]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of guys do you usually get attracted to? Like big muscular guys or wimpy fembots.

[Hannah Jane]

All right, so if you approach me and ask me if I'm a lesbian, you know, I need someone. I need someone. I need someone that is so confident that they're like, I'm going to fuck that lesbian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I like that.

[Hannah Jane]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Give me some lesbian horns over there.

[Hannah Jane]

Oh, y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. That's amazing, Hannah. Amazing. What's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Do you live alone?

[Hannah Jane]

No, I'm back home with. With my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. So what's the weirdest thing in your guys's fridge, if you had to pick it. You have a. Let me guess. An extraordinary amount of barbecue sauce.

[Hannah Jane]

That might be the only condiment, actually, but it's not a lot, you know, it's just normal white amount. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sweet baby rays, of course. Yeah. Absolutely amazing, Hannah. Well, I love it. You're very, very fun. You're very, very different. You're your own thing for only a year in. You're extraordinary. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. Way to get the show started. Rocking that bush light T shirt. I. I mean, this is a real woman right here. It's the kind of woman that'll you and then beat the out of you before she leaves.

[Redband]

That was awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh. Bluechew activated. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Check out our podcast love on the line@Heidi Vergina.com. all right, this looks like a new name. Let's see a minute uninterrupted for the Mr. Ziegler. The Mr. Ziegler, everybody. Here we go.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Good morning, Austin. How y' all doing tonight? So I'm into stud. Anybody out there giving up the stud? I've. I've had a dream here recently. I wanted to do a threesome, and I was gonna title it two Studs and me. And we're gonna quote it no homo. Yeah, I've been in the studs for a long time. Studs, tomboy, all that good is pussy as pussy. I feel like as long as it don't look like me and it got titties without a dick, I'm pretty cool with that, you know? Right. So how y' all doing tonight? Great. Oh, there's the funny looking staff. Give it up for the funny looking staff, everybody. I think that's all I got. That's my time right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, 40 seconds from the Mr. Ziegler, everyone. Funny looking staff. I love that you think we're random staff members just sitting on stage with you in this.

[Kevin Ryan]

I want to know where he. What he thinks he just walked into. I was. He's just a black dude who was on six years. Like, I like what's good.

[Chad Smith]

Yeah.

[Redband]

Who the are you?

[Ari Shafir]

Weird?

[Redband]

God damn. Ain't no in this place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like this. That Tombo.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Long as it's a.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Kevin Ryan]

You are awesome, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Absolutely incredible in the male division. The best set of the night so far.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's talk about it. The Mr. Zler. Am I saying that right?

[Mr. Ziegler]

It's pretty white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah, that's German.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pretty white.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pretty white, right?

[Mr. Ziegler]

German white, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, your name is?

[Mr. Ziegler]

Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got it. That's it. How long you been doing standup comedy, Mr. Z?

[Mr. Ziegler]

About. About 15.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

15 years. Where at?

[Mr. Ziegler]

Here in Austin, Houston. All over Texas. I've been in New York and that's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Bad baby years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you just only did 40 seconds on a show?

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah, you know, I've been out the scene for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mr. Ziegler]

It just got back actually today. Just got back in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I have. I have 49 questions right now.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Come on, give it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you've been doing it 15 years. What made you take a break?

[Chad Smith]

Break.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Bad baby mama choices.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about it. Tell us about that.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Don't do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, can you get a little more in?

[Mr. Ziegler]

She was a little too young for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old was she?

[Mr. Ziegler]

It's about nine years younger than me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I'm glad you said more. After the number nine, she was about nine years younger than you.

[Kevin Ryan]

This dude does love. That's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I'm like, geez. Ever since the Epstein list came out, being a pedophile is a new fad. Yeah, but no, I was having bad baby mama. My dick wasn't fitting in this.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine year old ass. Whiny ass.

[Rock Out Millie]

Ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crying baby ass. Oh, no, this little girl crazy ass, man. You should have seen my dick next to this little nine year old.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Your name must be on there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[William Montgomery]

What?

[Mr. Ziegler]

On the Epstein files. His name's got to be on there. All this young you talking about, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm kidding. I'm going off of your thing, Mr.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Z. I said tomboy and he talking about young.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, not well, I mean. Did you happen to see the girl that was on before the stud?

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah, I just seen her perform while ago. Think I didn't see that?

[Kevin Ryan]

He's like, I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw that, man.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Ain't nothing. It ain't nothing like going out playing basketball with a stud and then going back to and putting your balls in deep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, you are the man, Mr. Ziegler. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. You found your home. This is where you belong. So what did this bad baby mama do exactly that made you take a break from stand up comedy?

[Mr. Ziegler]

She went crazy on me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how you got. I need better answers.

[Mr. Ziegler]

I went deep. Balls deep. And you know, my grandfather always told me, don't put the whole thing in. And I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I stirred it deep, people. Wow.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah, it's like I up the beehiveness. It Was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't give them the whole thing.

[Mr. Ziegler]

The whole thing. Don't do the whole thing. Got to give them just a little bit, fellas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Just a little bit. So, Red band. You give them the whole thing?

[Orhun Timor]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. This is incredible.

[Redband]

So can I understand that he's been having sex the whole time he's been away?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh? You've been having a lot of sex.

[Redband]

No, I mean sex all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mr. Ziegler]

No. Now I'm scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you scared of? What scares you, mister?

[Mr. Ziegler]

These.

[Alex Hurtline]

These.

[Mr. Ziegler]

These new. I want a tomboy. I'm. I want a stud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You need a real tough woman.

[Mr. Ziegler]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grab that woman. My goodness. I know where she going.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Don't worry about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know her. I mean, this is kind of what she said she's into. I mean, she literally wants a guy.

[Mr. Ziegler]

She's part of the problem. I'm just gonna fix her problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Problem. Oh, my God.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone's getting their Dodge truck stolen from them tonight. That's what's happening here.

[Mr. Ziegler]

I actually have a Dodge truck, so we got something in common.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got a Dodge, too.

[Mr. Ziegler]

She has a Dodge, so we dodging.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, my God. I love it.

[Mr. Ziegler]

If you can't dodge him, ram them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. Mr. Ziegler, how old are you?

[Mr. Ziegler]

47.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

47. You don't look a day over 63. That's. That's absolutely amazing. You've had a lot of baby mama problems, dude. You've been putting the whole thing in way too long. You're stressed out like a. You look like your own daddy, man.

[Mr. Ziegler]

I didn't have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Kevin Ryan]

As my grandfather, I used to tell myself, don't put my whole dig in a bit.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Don't do that. Don't do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kevin Ryan]

Black does crack

[Mr. Ziegler]

in white sheds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mr. Ziegler, what have you been doing for work this whole time? How do you make money? How do I. Barber. Barber. Oh, nice.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Okay.

[Mr. Ziegler]

And I. I'm a cook, too. I have my own business.

[Hannah Jane]

You what?

[Mr. Ziegler]

A cook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what do you cook? Okay, I should have known that. And let me guess. You're a barber just for women's pubes. Nah.

[Kevin Ryan]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't go near that.

[Mr. Ziegler]

I don't. I don't know. I don't like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, no.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Nope. I don't like hair down there. That's all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't.

[Mr. Ziegler]

They can. They can deal with that. Nar it off, ladies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Nairobi there.

[Mr. Ziegler]

I'm not that type of barber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Wow. Incredible. So do you exclusively only cut black people's Hair.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Do you cut it all?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. Oh, you pointed at Kevin Ryan, feeling

[Kevin Ryan]

he's taking a shot at my hair.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Let it go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Kevin Ryan]

He's the coolest mean I've ever met in my life. I was sitting there, I'm like, you know what? I should let it go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go. This could be the night. I mean, we were all there for that episode of kill Tony where Mr. Sear got Kevin Ryan there. I think we do have trimmers back there, don't we?

[Kevin Ryan]

The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the crowd goes on. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Oh, the lighting guy wants it to happen.

[Kevin Ryan]

My pubes for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I ain't going near the that. Mr. Ziegler, give us another fun fact about your life. You seem like you have a wealth of experience at a great many things, like the craziest sex you've ever had. Cuz I know you be loving that. So I got to know. Was there like a random crazy night an. An unbelievable time that you had an

[Mr. Ziegler]

adventure in which there was a threesome with my baby mama?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Mr. Ziegler]

The young one, the crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Nine years younger than you.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah. And another one that was nine years younger than.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, same age.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Yeah. I left him in the room and they was arguing, so I just. I came back. Y' all done? No, that's. I left again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you.

[Mr. Ziegler]

When I came back, they was entangled.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They was entangled, yeah.

[Mr. Ziegler]

So I like it.

[Redband]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotta throw it all the way in there. Break it up, ladies.

[Dedrick Flynn]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let me ask you this. What do you happen to remember what they were arguing about?

[Mr. Ziegler]

Me.

[Rock Out Millie]

Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you remember exactly what about you? They were arguing.

[Mr. Ziegler]

I went all the way in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is one of the craziest interviews. You know, you can't get this at the Tonight Show. I never was Jay Leno sitting there going, yeah, you put on your. Go all the way in with a pussy ass, bitch.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Deep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're never gonna see Jimmy Fallon dancing along to. All right, Mr. Ziegler, you only did 40 seconds, so I have no choice but to give you a medium very black joke book, because that is just the work you did tonight, my friend. I love it. Mr. Ziegler has entered the Kill Tony universe. Two brand new comedians to start the bucket. Did that guy with a small bladder ever go back to his seat? Oh, there he is. How you doing? You good? There you go.

[Trinity Altamire]

Go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Riley Galvin, everybody. Riley Galvin. Here we go.

[Riley Galvin]

Whoever created the phrase, it's not about the size of the dog in the fight. It's about the size of the fight. The dog clearly has never gambled on dog fighting. Always bet on the bigger dog. Ventriloquist sounds like such a fancier job title than what it is. Like, it sounds like they all got together and decided on a ventriloquist because they were too afraid to tell their parents they wanted to fist Cabbage Patch Dolls professionally. Do you guys think ventriloquists are just necrophiliacs with low self esteem? Like, they want to mess around with lifeless things but don't have the confidence, you know? Like, is Jeffrey Dahmer just Jeff Dunham with stage fright?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Riley Galvin]

I'm a basketball fan. I like the Utah Jazz. Utah Jazz is funny, though. It sounds like a bunch of racist Mormons got together, like, for some diversity. No, like, they all got together and were like, all right, we need more black people in the state. What do they like? And then one went, basketball and jazz. That's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yes. Riley Galvin. Welcome, welcome.

[Redband]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Riley, how long do you have before you have to get back to the vape store?

[Riley Galvin]

I got a shift in 30 minutes, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love it. How long you been on standup comedy?

[Riley Galvin]

Little under a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little over a year. Where at?

[Riley Galvin]

Knoxville, Tennessee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Knoxville, Tennessee. Very good. Let me ask you a question, because I listened to that set and I noticed the pronunciation of one of the words I found curious. What do you call a person that has sex with dead people?

[Riley Galvin]

Necrophiliac.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. The C. That third letter is important, what I heard, and I'd be interested to hear a replay. It's a shame we don't have instant replay on this episode. It sounded like a hard G to me. And if you say necrophiliac with a G, my friend John Dees, that turns into. Can you say it? Okay. John's just looking at me sometimes. He likes to put me on the spot there. I mean, we could say it. I don't. It's not the N word, but it's very close.

[Riley Galvin]

A little too close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I would have loved it if you repeated it and you just said, oh, it's with a C. I didn't know. I thought it was with the G. But instead, here we are. Here we are. But now that's the sound of hundreds of thousands of people on YouTube rewinding to see if you said it with a G. And I'll bet you anything

[Riley Galvin]

thing, it's my legacy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're replaying it again and again. Because I'm pretty sure it was a G. But you're. You're going through a lot. There's a lot of pressure.

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a big show.

[Riley Galvin]

Huge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely huge. What do you do for work, Riley?

[Riley Galvin]

I'm in school full time and I work at Little Caesars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At Little Caesars?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Red band. Can you believe it? This is a big deal for you. Awesome, man. Thank you. Wow, he's star struck. How long have you worked at Little Caesar?

[Riley Galvin]

Like six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, can you tell us a little bit about the perks?

[Riley Galvin]

A lot of free pizza.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. That's exactly what I thought you were gonna say. Redband's hard as a rock right now. And he's the only one that didn't try the Blue Chew. I love it. Riley. So what are you going to school for? And where are you going to school?

[Riley Galvin]

I go to Tennessee. Knoxville. UTK and journalism major.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What made you pick journalism? A dying art form.

[Riley Galvin]

Yeah, well, I was business and hated it, so I wanted to be gay and write, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you have any big plans? Do you have any big goals with the journalism thing?

[Riley Galvin]

No. I should probably have some, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Riley Galvin]

I'm 21 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

21.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are the 21 year olds up to nowadays? What are you guys doing for fun?

[Riley Galvin]

A lot of ketamine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. And tell the people that might not know that. Are you out there in the audience or watching the show? How would you explain ketamine exactly? What goes. What goes over in you? What goes. What happens in your brain?

[Riley Galvin]

You know how horses are pretty crazy? Ketamine calms them down. So it's. I've actually never done ketamine, so.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, you're working at Little Caesars. You've done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had me convinced. So what are you as a 21 year old doing for fun out there?

[Riley Galvin]

I like going to the movies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I'm a boring guy.

[Riley Galvin]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're poor.

[Riley Galvin]

Boring and poor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Other than the movies, let's dig deep here. You're going to college. You're out there on campus. There must be something else fun that you. Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? You play the ukulele or anything?

[Riley Galvin]

Perhaps play a little guitar?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do. Are you just going off of what I said is a funny suggestion?

[Rock Out Millie]

That was.

[Riley Galvin]

No, it wasn't that funny. It's true. I just started, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just started guitar.

[Riley Galvin]

I like stopping at the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's.

[Riley Galvin]

There's like little sorority Tables along like. Like the main walkway. A lot of time. And they.

[Orhun Timor]

They.

[Riley Galvin]

They pay you to pie them. And that's why I'm poor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cream pie?

[Riley Galvin]

No, no, I wish Red, man.

[Mr. Ziegler]

I wish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I like that you called him Red Band. That is the right time to call them Red Band. We wish Red Ben. What does that mean? Pie them like you.

[Riley Galvin]

You like Venmo. Like one of the $3 to whip cream and throw it in their face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Wow. Red Band pays people to throw pies at his face. So this is very exciting. All different things. Guys, what do you think about Riley? The. Are you garbage guys?

[Redband]

I have. I have one question. The hair. Is this a look that you wear with the hat all the time, or is the hat just.

[Riley Galvin]

No, I asked the guy backstage, front or back? And he said back. And I guess he fucked me. I don't know.

[Redband]

No, it's not that. Like, do you. Do you always wear the hair down and wear the hat like that?

[Riley Galvin]

No, sometimes I do this. The hair's long right now, but I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guess usually the hair is eating your head alive. Can I ask you, would you be interested in a black barber that we know, Mr. Ziegler? Not old. Only will he cut your hair, but I'm pretty sure he'll the living out of you. You are the type of tomboy I believe he's looking for.

[Redband]

How the you expect to get with a haircut like that? Let me put it all the way in. Show you what's up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I him so hard in his ass. He got a now he grew a this. I. I made him self generate a.

[Redband]

Yeah, I tell you what, this ain't no Little Caesar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but they get the double, double the 12 inch with pepperoni.

[Redband]

That was that bar we were talking about having sex with you.

[Riley Galvin]

Yeah.

[Redband]

What it looks for?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, I'm going to give you the best 40 seconds of your life. You white. All right.

[Redband]

Seems like a good kid. Seems like a strong kid. Young kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, doing it. What made you come to Austin, Texas?

[Riley Galvin]

I just came down just to hit some open mics, just to get on stage. Knoxville, you know, Smaller scene.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Riley Galvin]

A lot more opportunity here. Just a stage time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? You've been doing it one year. You're 21 years old, you're fucking chasing your dreams. Good for you. Most people go their whole lives not doing something like this, And, I mean, Mr. Ziegler takes a break every time he gets into an argument with a girl. So. Congratulations. The set was okay. So here's a medium joke book. You could Take that back to Knoxville, throw it at a college girl's face or something. Or three bucks. All right. You guys having fun out there? You get it? Hell, yeah. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, now we know this young lady, former Blackhawk helicopter pilot, was a man and now is a woman. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Ellis, everybody.

[Joe Ellis]

Thank you. My name is Joe, and because we're in Texas, I'm legally required to tell you all that I am trans. Don't worry, they took my guns at the door. Yeah, you're safe for now. I go by Joe J O. I used to go by Joe J O, E. But like most things with transition, you just cut off the parts you don't like. Yeah, speaking of guns, I actually do love guns. You know, us trannies are always packing something. And it's hard to conceal carry a Glock when you're hiding a cock.

[Hannah Jane]

Yeah.

[Joe Ellis]

And I love my guns so much, you know, I really only came out of the closet to make room for more guns. And because I'm on hormones, people ask me, they say, is it safe for you to be around so many guns? And the hormones make me emotional sometimes. Like a woman on her period. But not unstable. Like, not so unstable. I'd shoot up a Catholic school. Oh, a little dark for the mothership. I asked a priest about that joke, and he said, finish blowing me first. He didn't say that I transitioned. I'm not a boy anymore. My name's Joe.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe Ellis, everybody. The second most masculine female we've had on stage tonight in a stunning turn of events. Absolutely incredible. How you doing?

[Joe Ellis]

Doing great.

[Mr. Ziegler]

How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fantastic. How long you been on stand up now, Joella?

[Joe Ellis]

Since June of last year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

June of last year?

[Joe Ellis]

Not even a year yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Amazing. There was parts where it felt like a poem that would be. You rhymed Glock and cock, and I

[Joe Ellis]

figured you'd like the part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look at you. Very funny. It's always weird when a chick with a dick is trying to make fun of you for being gay. It's incredible. It boggles my mind sometimes, the shots that people take. It's like the halftime shot at like. Like an NBA game where they're like, all right, the pizza delivery guy is gonna shoot for $10,000. Everybody just goes in the stands or whatever. Anyway. All right, Joe Ellis, tell us what's new in life, what's going on so

[Joe Ellis]

much, Tony, this show has changed my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chad Smith]

Tell us more.

[Joe Ellis]

So Slate did an article about my appearance here last year, and it was covered in the UK Observer. I got to open for Ian Lara at Parks Casino. So I did 10 minutes for a national headliner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Joe Ellis]

So much has happened. The list is endless. You know, it's just so many great things. I just want to thank you for the opportunity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Joe Ellis]

You know, you've given Trans Comics more opportunities than I think anyone else else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That is true. Be sure to remember that next time I get cancelled. I have a special coming out soon and they're going to be coming after me. So I'm going to need you on the front line of defense.

[Joe Ellis]

Stand in front and protect you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know they are going to come after me. You heard it right here. It's happening soon. Couple few months away, guys. You guys live in New York City. You have people like this all over the street. Tell us the. Are you garbage guys, what you think about this? Seven foot five translating?

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, very. You have a very captivating presence and huge jugs that I can't take my eyes off of. We're being honest. I'm married to a lady. And next.

[Redband]

I concur with my partner. I mean in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it Hot. Since last time you've been on, you're a little bit more luscious, if you know what I mean. A little more.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red bands.

[Joe Ellis]

I've been getting a lot more like black guys in my DMS too. I think that means I'm gaining weight.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow, Mr. Ziggler's head just exploded in the back.

[Alex Hurtline]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, tomboy. I found my dream tomboy. I'm gonna take this. I'm gonna eat her. What the is that motherfucker. All right, but don't put the whole thing in now.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pretty please. Like I'll play along, but I'm going to fall in love with your ass. You put the whole.

[Joe Ellis]

All right, well, I. I have been working out to try to try to lose some weight because, you know, it's important for trans women to stay fit because you have to keep stealing the trophies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to have to rewind that part. One amazing. So, Joe, who have you been hooking up? What is your type of person?

[Joe Ellis]

Well, I've dated a lot of men in Austin and most recently I started dating a lovely woman here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Really? Really. So, yeah, that's. I'm with you on that.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We almost jinxed on reallys there.

[Joe Ellis]

Yeah. You could call it pansexual. I call it. I take any sexual.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. But what is she called it? Like what happened to her? You Think what type of trauma happened to her where she's like, I need a dick, not a dildo, but I want the delivery of a woman, but the thrust of a man, like, what exactly. What exactly has to molest you for you to bust a nut with you?

[Joe Ellis]

Maybe it was a trans person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe, maybe. It's my favorite category of porn, though. A trend. Woman, a regular woman.

[Ari Shafir]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's way better than looking at a guy dick. This is true.

[Joe Ellis]

You get to see two sets of tits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. It's true. Bonus tits.

[Joe Ellis]

She says I'm the best of both worlds, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Joe Ellis]

I can still open jars, you know, I'm emotionally available.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. I think this is going to last all the way until the inevitable murder suicide that takes place. No, I'm kidding. Joe Ellis has the best sense of humor. And, you know, you've talked, you talked about me giving opportunities, but. But it's, it's amazing. I think you're. You're doing a lot for the trans community by getting roasted, trying to fire back. It's like amazing to see. You're a real fucking Texas tranny.

[Joe Ellis]

So I just moved here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations. I love it. Amazing. Amazing. Jo Ellis, everybody.

[Joe Ellis]

Thank you so much.

[Redband]

Fantastic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta tell you, I have gotten word. I don't even know if it's real. There goes Joel. Every one more time for Joe. I can't believe the news that I've gotten. I'm really hoping that this is true. This entire show is improvised. And obviously all my friends and Amazing, the best comedians in the world know that they can always pop in, pop out, goof around this and that anytime. And I've gotten word that one of our friends that has been on a global vacation for what I believe in my head is six months or something like that, traveling the world is here he is one of the great comedians in the show's history, one of the great disruptors, one of the real troublemakers, ladies and gentlemen, if it's real, and I hope it is, I hope it's not a prank. Make some noise for Ari Shafir, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for

[Redband]

our Asha Pierre Zoo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, it's that thing. It's the microphone. I know it's been a while.

[Ari Shafir]

I haven't seen this many people since Uruguay. Hey, how is everybody doing? This is very odd for me.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Thanks.

[Ari Shafir]

I haven't. I haven't been around stand up or anything for about eight months. A little bit nervous. I was traveling through Latin America, I guess I'll tell you an observation. I had in Latin America. I learned a lot. The hardest thing about fucking a street dog. Is gaining its trust. Because, sure, anyone could fuck a street dog, but how many people can get it to come back again tomorrow? I went through a lot of South America, you guys. A lot of those countries hate us, I'll be honest with you. And it was difficult to break the news to them that most of us don't know where they are on a map.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Legitimately.

[Ari Shafir]

I was in Uruguay and people were like, tell Americans we don't want them here. I'm like, no one knows that you guys are not part of Scandinavia. To be honest, I went all over that land. I skipped out of respect for Tony, Puerto Rico, but everywhere else I went. Thank you, guys.

[Redband]

Very good to be back. Everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari fucking Shafir is back in America. What a fucking amazing surprise. This is. Holy shit.

[Ari Shafir]

You are the last people I saw before I left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, this is fucking awesome. Welcome back.

[Ari Shafir]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that you didn't warn any of us. I love that you didn't tell us. You're always full of fucking surprises. Your dick is in your pants. This is incredible. You're a changed man.

[Ari Shafir]

No, actually, I was watching what happened before. I tried to tuck it, but it wouldn't stay. I wasn't come out with a tuck to. It just wouldn't stay, and I apologize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do a podcast all about traveling and going around the world. And so, I mean, where did you go? Can you name some of the places?

[Ari Shafir]

Like, yeah, I mean, started in Mexico, went south through El Salvador, Guatemala. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you, like, driving? Did you rent a car?

[Ari Shafir]

Buses, like, you know, hanging out with poor people. I'll tell you one thing I observed that's different now that I noticed that I'm back in Austin. At least the homeless people in those countries have the decency to be ashamed about it. These guys are lounging. Yeah, I saw a dude out there asleep on his stomach. What a leisurely way to be a problem for the world.

[Redband]

Back there's.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean, I guess it's good for your back, but there is no give on the concrete.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. There is a part of. Of 6th street where if you're walking from this side of 6th Street west, there's a part where there's a ventilation system that kicks up hot air and multiple people. People lie down next to each other on this one spot. It's very, very on top of a grate. And. And there's people just flying by on bird scooters and, like, almost hitting Them drunk. It's incredible to see.

[Ari Shafir]

You gotta try to jump them on those birds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's big points. That's Austin the video game. You get big points by jumping homeless people on a bird scooter. Bl. Bl. Bl. Multiple. Amazing. So that's incredible. And now you're back. What made you come back now?

[Ari Shafir]

I missed you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, we were really afraid.

[Ari Shafir]

No, what made me come back is I have a new storytelling show that's coming out. Maybe you were familiar with my old one.

[Riley Galvin]

Yes.

[Ari Shafir]

Can't legally say the name, but you can, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is not happening.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah, I'm familiar with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Anyways, coming back and guess who's on it. Skip. Skip. Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm on is true.

[Ari Shafir]

He's on an episode with Big J okerson, Alisa Deek and Steph Tola have called four stories about trying to come and it's available right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now where is it available?

[Ari Shafir]

@ymhstudios.com I love it. Direct to the people. YouTube. Netflix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Okay. I mean, we like YouTube and Netflix.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, I apologize. Not for this show. Sorry, sorry. Take that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just a reminder. We like YouTube and Netflix. We're gonna bleep that HBO Showtime

[William Montgomery]

show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The movie channel. Yeah. Well, this is so exciting. You gonna hang out?

[Redband]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

I heard there's free drinks. I'll hang if there's free drinks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There are free drinks for you.

[Ari Shafir]

There's a toilet upstairs. Flush toilet paper in. And brush my teeth with sink water. I'm in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Let's party for the great RE Shafir. Ladies and gentlemen. What an unbelievable treat. One of the best comedians in the world. His specials are on Netflix. Let's have some drinks. Yeah. Let's get another chair up here. And the great Ari Shapir is going to join us for the night bucket. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Let's do the squeeze, baby. Come on, slide down. You can bring that all the way over. Perfect. Keep sliding. Keep sliding.

[Ari Shafir]

Do not make h. Squeeze in.

[Redband]

Don't give me that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love.

[Redband]

I've lost £70 since you been gone, you scumbag. Not to mention he pulled of Skip Skip. This called me two days ago begging me to find him a place to live.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The lovely Heidi. I'll tell you now that I'm close to it. I know there's a homeless guy sleeping on his belly, but I'm thinking about sleeping on this belly tonight. Look at this Tempur Pedic right here. Eight sleep.

[Redband]

You got a Lot of balls. Shaer, I love your back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. One more time for Ari Shapir. Ladies and gentlemen, joining the party. Only here on Kill Tony can something so spontaneous and fun happen on a random Monday. We're going to watch a bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. His name is Chad Smith. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Chad Smith. Make some noise for Chad, everybody.

[Chad Smith]

What's going on here, guys? I'm Chad. I am from Oshkosh, Wisconsin. I am here on my birthday. If you guys don't know where Oshkosh is, that's where Chicago sends all their prisoners.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Chad Smith]

Thing about turning 40 is more trips to the bathroom and seeing that doctor visiting that bat cave every year, Right? Some of the guys know about that, right? Here's some fun facts about me, right? I didn't learn the birds and the bees growing up. My uncle gave me a Playboy and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby. That one takes a little bit to sink in. Speaking of Bill, did he still do stand up in prison or was he the chocolate pudding? That's right. Fun fact about me is I work insurance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We go. Chad Smith. Welcome, Chad. This is your first time on the show?

[Chad Smith]

First time on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. When you say that one takes a little bit to sink in. When exactly can we expect that to happen? Is there a week or a month coming up? Where?

[Redband]

Two to three business days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. We're just going to be out there living our lives and all of a sudden just like, oh, oh, pudding. It was pudding. Because he was pudding.

[Chad Smith]

He was pudding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Chad, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Chad Smith]

I'm doing stand up. This is two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two and a half years. All of it Nashkosh mixture.

[Chad Smith]

Between Bark Entertainment, which is Skyline Company Cafe, and then Bark Energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? What?

[Chad Smith]

So all the way across to Wisconsin. So everywhere from Milwaukee up until Green Bay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got it. Got it.

[Redband]

I hate this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

He has off duty cop vibes for sure.

[Alex Hurtline]

I don't know why.

[Redband]

I just don't like.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let me see your licenses, prick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oshkosh, Amazing.

[Chad Smith]

There's nothing much up there. It's just, it's plains.

[Ari Shafir]

Why don't you have the accent?

[Chad Smith]

When you're from the Midwest you get a mix of Minnesota. So I do say about a lot. And then in the airport you guys laugh at me because I say bag instead of bag.

[Redband]

Some reason I doubt that.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't think anyone's ever laughed at you.

[Redband]

He's too cackling. I don't like this guy. He's up to something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It takes a little bit to sink in. Don't count him out yet. He may be the funniest person in the show's history. We just don't know because it's on a delayed release.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm gonna get home tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We all just died tonight. He kissed.

[Kevin Ryan]

I feel like we're all high in a card. He just pulled us over.

[Ari Shafir]

Or your boy said it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah, he's chewing gum. You guys been drinking tonight? What are you getting tough guys?

[Chad Smith]

No pat down for me.

[Ari Shafir]

Say that joke again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, do it one more time. The one that takes a while to sink in.

[Chad Smith]

All right, so it's. It's spelt out this way. So I never learned the birds and the beast. My uncle gave me a Playboy, and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Learned how to count backwards.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't get it. Does everybody get it?

[Redband]

Your uncle drugged you and raped you. That's the joke, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Redband]

Is that the joke?

[Chad Smith]

No, it takes a little bit. Bill always called backwards when he gave the date rape joke. Joke.

[Redband]

I know, but.

[Kevin Ryan]

So did he rape you? So you're saying Bill Cosby raped you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Redband]

Oh, that's what your uncle did?

[Chad Smith]

No, birds and bees gave me a Playboy.

[Redband]

Who did?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your uncle gave you the Playboy. And separately from that separate joke.

[Ari Shafir]

And Bill Cosby talked you to come?

[Chad Smith]

Yes.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what? But it still seems like Cosby's raping you in this joke. No. No.

[Redband]

Wait, so you weren't raped by your uncle? No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn it.

[Kevin Ryan]

Have you ever even met Bill Cosby, dude?

[Redband]

No, I was never seen a Playboy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Redband]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, how did Bill Cosby teach you how to count backwards then?

[Chad Smith]

Well, when you're almost 40 years old, you seen him on TV every week growing up.

[Kevin Ryan]

And does he count backwards on tv?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Was there an episode?

[Redband]

It's answers like that, it doesn't make sense. But you say it so confidently. I don't like this guy. And he's up to something, man. Ari walks in at the same time. There's something going on here. I don't know if you're with this dude or what, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari brought his travel agent with us.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ari's big bit. He's like, dude, just go out and be the most unfunny dude in the world. It's gonna kill.

[Redband]

Now who wants two tickets to Paraguay?

[Ari Shafir]

So show me up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two tickets to Paraguay. I've got.

[Ari Shafir]

Can I give this guy a compliment?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Mr. Ziegler]

No.

[Ari Shafir]

Meow happened. He was like. And then I also. All right, I'm done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Luckily, that. That's how I felt when I heard the meow, too.

[Kevin Ryan]

I don't want him to finish the bit, if I'm being honest with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, go ahead. Do that bit that got cut off. This might be. He may have saved all of his power for the closing.

[Kevin Ryan]

Might be. This might. This might. This might redeem you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's coming in with a bedazzled shirt. He's very excited. This guy literally stick on his shirt. Oh, gosh.

[Chad Smith]

Yeah, this is a fresh bit. And I'm not going to say who I work for, but let's say I do insurance during the week. And the joke was I called the client up during the day, and she said I was too early. She still had her CPAP machine on.

[Ari Shafir]

Too early.

[Redband]

As a CPAP wearer, I'm offended.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guessing that one's gonna take a little bit to.

[Redband]

It's a fresh one.

[Kevin Ryan]

It's a while.

[Chad Smith]

It's a while.

[Redband]

It's a fresh one. You know, in the beginning. It's a fresh one.

[Chad Smith]

It's a while.

[Ari Shafir]

I'm kind of wanting to get raped by Bill Cosby now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So when you say that you learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby, are you saying that like it's just made up? It's just a joke. There's no episode. There's nothing thing.

[Ari Shafir]

It's part of the birds and the bees.

[Chad Smith]

It's part of the birds and bees. All right, so when we write jokes at our club, we want to make sure it relates to people like my age.

[Redband]

Who's we?

[Kevin Ryan]

And why are you explaining joke writing to us?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, who's the. Who's the we?

[Kevin Ryan]

Hey, jerk off. When we're writing jokes that you guys clearly don't know what the you're talking about. Let me explain it to you, because I'm foreign sales.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah. Hey, guy, zip it. Well, we're. He's on a different level than us, dude. This Wisconsin, you know, there's these Austin, New York, L.A. arguments, but we are missing the boat here. Little did we know that the real thunder and lightning is the delayed release that's been. That has been conjured up in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. It is incredible.

[Redband]

The bar club. What's it called again?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bark Entertainment.

[Ari Shafir]

Park entertainment.

[Redband]

Park Entertainment.

[Chad Smith]

Skyline Comedy Club. There you go. Oh, hell.

[Redband]

Skyline Comedy Club. Bark Entertainment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Okay. Well, Chad, can you give us one interesting fun fact about your life before I get you out of here?

[Chad Smith]

All right, cool. So I turned 40 on Wednesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we know about that. You mentioned that. The first thing that you actually mentioned was that it was your birthday. And now we're finding out that you lied and that it was actually five days ago, which is, I mean, two more days. Oh, you turn it on Wednesday.

[Chad Smith]

This one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay, well, all right.

[Chad Smith]

So something you guys do not know. I'm an ultra runner, So I run 50Ks and above now.

[Redband]

I really hate them.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah,

[Redband]

Go yourself.

[Chad Smith]

He's on a roll over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like, bring back the Little Caesar's guy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Let's get some pizza and get some up here. This guy sucks.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chad, you did your best, man. You did the best. Best. Oshkosh set. We're waiting for the release. We're waiting for it to sink in. Thank you so much.

[Redband]

Much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There goes Chad Smith, everybody. You know, on an episode in which. My goodness. I mean, Heidi is just a machine keeping everyone hydrated. Unbelievable. There she goes. Perfect. All right. On an episode in which we've been graced with the return of. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Johnny Football.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Johnny Manzel, ladies.

[Ari Shafir]

How you doing, boys?

[Nate Hong Kong]

What's up,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

man?

[Nate Hong Kong]

What a. What a pleasure.

[Ari Shafir]

This has been a. A long time coming. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know about you guys, but I like the guy from Oshkosh. You've taught me a lot when I've been in Austin about, you know, friendship. Me and you have a good relationship. I run into the boys every show I come to. We have good vibes. I'm sitting up here tonight watching for probably the 20th time, you forget about some of your boys. You know, you've taught me about loyalty, all this. And I got a guy that I go eat crawfish with yesterday with you, like we do on occasion, smoke a couple cigs, hang out, you know, meet the boys. How do you leave Polly motherfucking Shore?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, with me? My gosh. Oh, my God.

[Ari Shafir]

Let's mix it up a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Johnny Manziel is bringing out Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen.

[Redband]

Wow.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Wow.

[Pauly Shore]

No, I didn't want to do it, dude.

[Redband]

That's.

[Pauly Shore]

I just wanted to fucking watch the show, dude. I didn't want you to bring me into this shit.

[Ari Shafir]

Sometimes duty calls, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Duty calls, Jury. Duty calls. Make some noise for the legend Pauly Shore, everybody. This is like the Royal Rumble, Kill Tony episode.

[Pauly Shore]

It's just I've been texting you. I haven't been on here since about three months ago with Roseanne Yeah, I've been texting you, Ari. Welcome back. Nice to see you, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

L'.

[Pauly Shore]

Chaim. Good Yontif. Good Yontif to you. The Israelis are bombing Iran. I'm sure you're happy about that. He's. I'm surprised he didn't go. So

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

if Israel really wanted to bomb Iran, they would shoot a Chad Smith at them right now. Oh, I'm. I'm turning 40 in a few days. I don't know how I got here.

[Pauly Shore]

So did you change your number? So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, because.

[Pauly Shore]

Why aren't you texting me back, dude? No, but for real, dude, you're worse than Bobby Lee.

[William Montgomery]

Dude.

[Ari Shafir]

I love how you thought he must

[Pauly Shore]

have changed his number, but no, it's not cool. How long have. How long have I known Tony for? For a long time. And Yeah, a long time. Give it up for Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

20 years.

[Pauly Shore]

Beautiful, beautiful man. And I, I just. I don't know what happened, dude. You know what I mean? Why, why do, why do I sit back during New Year's Eve and you tell him, I, I, I might just, I might jump on this, dude, you

[Ari Shafir]

tell him when you move get this cool. And your network expands, he starts getting a big head. You go to Netflix, we're selling out Madison Square Garden. We're doing all that. It gets to your head. It's like, who do I prioritize the most?

[Pauly Shore]

Who does he put on the New Year?

[Ari Shafir]

You're at the bottom of the totem pole right now, my friend, is what it's looking like. I think you need to stand up for yourself.

[Pauly Shore]

Well, you say it because you said it. And that was what made me come down here.

[Ari Shafir]

Tony, give him more.

[Pauly Shore]

Be a better no Chinese. Listen to me. You had Carrot Top and Rob Schneider as the bucket pulls as your golden ticket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were the co guests of the year. Yeah, they were the both the guests.

[Pauly Shore]

Yeah, but they weren't in Biodome, bro. They weren't in a goofy movie, bro. They weren't Leaning Tower cheese top. No one gives a about those guys. Stop kissing their ass.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Facts, facts, facts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Polly. Sure. Ladies and gentlemen, molesting H. Foley of the Are you garbage podcast. What is he doing? Looks incredible. Paulie, take it easy on him. Take it easy. That's the just for men confidence. Get out of here.

[Redband]

Am I in son in law two now?

[Pauly Shore]

No. Red band had it good. I just dyed my hair brown. It used to be. Dude, I'm lucky I'm alive. Let's give me a fucking break, okay? At least I'm not Mickey Rourke. What the fuck? I could pay my rent. Okay, asshole. So I dyed it because, you know, it was getting like this. You should do it till. I'll get you just for men at Walgreens, bro.

[Ari Shafir]

You'll get me the hookup at Walgreens?

[Pauly Shore]

I get you hookup at Walgreens if you want, buddy, but it'll grow back out great. It'll be good again. Then we can go kavanachila again. Anyways.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Pauly Shore]

I'm just kidding. It's cool. You can have those guys on. But I'd like to be on your next Netflix show so I can do Richard Simmons movie, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean we are doing a. We are doing a Kill Tony WrestleMania crossover at episode for Netflix in Las Vegas. It airs on April 20th. 420. How about you want to do a spot there?

[Pauly Shore]

If you want. If you will have me. That'll be fantastic. Can my friend Johnny come?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Johnny can come.

[Pauly Shore]

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny, Johnny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I don't know what that third ingredient in the Blue Chew gold is, but it's bumping right now because I'm pretty sure Johnny Football and Paulie Shore just walked out on my show. This is incredible. I'm tripping my balls off.

[Pauly Shore]

No, I love Carrot Top. I love Rob. We're just having fun. We're having a good time. You know it, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Pauly Shore]

We're having a good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I do, dude. I. I dust off the old dusties. Chinese.

[Pauly Shore]

Chinese. I like the garbage guys. These guys are awesome too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Pauly Shore]

Thank you so much.

[Kevin Ryan]

Fan of you.

[Redband]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool. Yeah, I don't know if I'd call them that. They're not Puerto Rican. It's the. Are you garbage guys.

[Pauly Shore]

Are you garbage guys?

[Redband]

Thank you, Holmes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hand for the great Pauly Shore and the great Johnny Manziel? I had no idea they were coming out tonight. How exciting is this? Oh man, I'm gonna get blackout drunk tonight. Anytime Manzel's around, we fucking shoot shots of tequila and roll dice all night. Oh, he's. Dude, he's the best.

[Ari Shafir]

The funniest thing was watching that 23 year old girl when you said Johnny Football and she's like, I don't know. I don't know. And then I didn't think that look of baffling could get topped. But then when you brought out a 98 year old Pauly Shore.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is like fucking Kill Tony Mad lib. What the fuck is going on, right? Like, dude, if he kept with Foley, I thought I was going to have to beat up Paulie. I would never this old guy up. And I loved Biodo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love it. The 23 year old's like, is that Matt Rife's grandfather or something?

[Ari Shafir]

Is that the last remaining Golden Girl?

[Redband]

Oh, my God, it's Estelle Getty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, we traveled down the road and back again, right? Because we're the Golden Girl. Girls, bro. What's up with you giving Carrot Top a chance and not me? Little spoiled baby. Little spoiled baby is. Can I be on a Netflix episode, bro? Dude, if I could. If I could rewind 19 years and show you me arriving to the Comedy Store and the feeling that you feel the first time Paulie Shore, like, walks out of the door or something and you're like, oh, and now 19 years of grinding, grueling seven days a week, dream, nightmare, passion of your career. And here's Paulie going, dude, when you going to give me a shot, bro? Dude, can you hook it up?

[Redband]

Dude, the buddy supposed to be pals, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally never let me open for him on the road. I was starving. Starving. My first views, Literally, Literally sleeping in my car behind the comedy stories like, dude, wake up. Time to get up, bro. You can't be sleeping too late. I'm like, Paulie, it's 8:00am Please, I went to bed at 5. Let me sleep.

[Ari Shafir]

I love how he. Of all you've had a hundred people on the show, he only called out Rob Schneider and Carrot Top.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Ari Shafir]

That's who he thinks are the least talented ones you've had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

He's like, I'm better than those dipshits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I love it. It's like. It's like going up to Tarantino and being like, dude, why'd you go with Travolta and Pulp Fiction? Dude? He was. He was just dancing at the time. Dude, you need a real star. I was in Biodomes.

[Redband]

Inglourious bastards.

[Pauly Shore]

Babe, huh?

[Redband]

Who's this Chris Waltz guy? What's the deal, bro?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have nothing. Nothing but momentum. It's insanity. Before we get to another golden ticket winner, let's knock out one more bucket pull here. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Trinity Altamire, everybody. Trinity Altamire.

[Trinity Altamire]

Hello. Yes. Okay. My name is Trinity. I was named after the movie the Matrix. Have we seen it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In that movie, Trinity kind of serves as Neo's salvation. She's like a foil to God. And I'm just sick and tired of being seen as men's salvation. So, like last year I was proposed to three times and I just. I am from Texas. So I want to know what it is about me that says, come and take it. Because I'm going to show you. Come and take it. All right. Oh, man. I just. It's. I. I canceled a date for this, I'll have you know. I'll have you know. And I went down by the docks and so now I got some seawater on me and I smell like fish. What the fuck is new? I don't know. All right. I'm curious as to what the time is, and I'm nervous and so I want to say my name again and end it here. As you know, I used to introduce myself as the Father, the Son and the Holy. And you can guess why. Self care. Looks like a lot of different things. And I was confronted with an erect penis. I don't know what to do with it. So I grabbed a hold of it and I went vroom, vroom, vroom, Pressing on his foot like a clutch. My dad taught me how to drive a stick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Trinity, Trinity, Trinity, let's slow it down here.

[Trinity Altamire]

We're done. We're done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Trinity. How are you?

[Trinity Altamire]

How are you? I'm good. I'm stupendous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Trinity Altamire]

Night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Trinity Altamire]

Since the end of July. So like half a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. And you, you're from Texas? You live here?

[Trinity Altamire]

I moved to Austin in January, but I'm from the 956. I know I sound like I'm from a different valley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let the people know where exactly what the 956 is.

[Trinity Altamire]

Do you know where? Like McAllen, Edinburgh, Brownsville, Brownsville Works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brownsville. Hey.

[Hannah Jane]

Okay.

[Trinity Altamire]

Yeah. Okay. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you on, Trinity? What's going on? You on some medicine?

[Trinity Altamire]

Unmedicated, currently, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Can you rattle it off for us?

[Trinity Altamire]

I'm supposed to be on Lexapro and Vyvanse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. You're supposed to be. What are you on?

[Trinity Altamire]

Not that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What are you on?

[Trinity Altamire]

Just nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing at the moment when you say you're supposed to be on Lexapro and vibing.

[Trinity Altamire]

I know. I play Kill Tony Roulette, so this really is a special night. I. I didn't do anything. And I got picked. I know. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. D. Madness. Really making a spectacle of him leaving right now. I've never seen you face forward. That's long. We know. We don't like her that much either. D. It's okay.

[Ari Shafir]

These mad because he Got fooled by the last chick.

[Redband]

She ain't get me again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. This is what a feminine female comedian is like. Everybody, for those of you that were waiting. Yeah, again, you just. We just confused two of the dumb bitches in the room there. Like, represent. She's bombing and sucking through the interview. So, anyway, Trinity, so what made you want to start stand up?

[Trinity Altamire]

Six months ago, I was arrested for weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you were just regular old weed.

[Trinity Altamire]

Regular old thca. I got arrested. Got a misdemeanor and a felony. And so I said it. What else am I going to do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. It was a felony amount of weed that you had?

[Trinity Altamire]

Yeah, it was just a THCA pen. Everybody in the crowd has one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Shut up, narc.

[Kevin Ryan]

Yeah,

[Trinity Altamire]

okay. It's legal in Austin. You're safe. You're safe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But in the 956, it's a felony to have a weed pen.

[Trinity Altamire]

I was in East Texas when they got me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. Yeah. If I go to my grocery store and I have a joint in my car, it's right outside of the Travis County. I would get a felony for that.

[Trinity Altamire]

How did you know what county it was?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Red ban. I'm confused.

[Trinity Altamire]

No, that's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you really get proposed to three times this year?

[Trinity Altamire]

Last year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last year. How did that happen? Was it the same guy?

[Ari Shafir]

Which wouldn't take no for an answer? Yeah, three times in a.

[Alex Hurtline]

Maybe.

[Ari Shafir]

You didn't hear what I just said. Will you. Okay, hold on. I'll go down to one knee. I'll try one once more. You have nothing, and I have a job. Will you fucking marry me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he ask you three different times, or did your three personalities just hear the same question at once?

[Trinity Altamire]

It was three different guys, all in 2025. One was the end of a relationship in 2024, moving into 25. Then a fling, then some random. And now I'm a computer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are, huh? Wow. Trinity Altemeyer. Very interesting. What do you do when you're not doing stand up. What do you do for work? How do you make money?

[Trinity Altamire]

I oversee political organizing in, like, three different key states.

[Ari Shafir]

No, guys, that means she started January six.

[Trinity Altamire]

Well, we had to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What. What party? Who has you working for them? I got to know. Is this why the Democrats are winning Texas elections all of a sudden? What's happening? What are you doing out there? Exactly. Who are you overseeing for?

[Trinity Altamire]

Right now? We're working on affordable housing. And, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, looks like. Looks like that's never going to happen. Everybody Time to get to work and start saving up for a house.

[Trinity Altamire]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what else? I can't wait to hear your platform other than affordable housing. What else are you working on? What are your goals politically?

[Trinity Altamire]

Honestly, It's a. It's a nonpartisan nonprofit, so we'll support anybody. We'll register anybody to vote. We don't give a shit what you think, what you do. We just want to get people, like, support and, you know, shit, dude, people

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

just applauding, chaos on the streets, just. Oh, that sounds good, actually. They'll support anybody. I fucking love supporting anybody. Fucking retarded. This is great. I'm completely retarded. Let's support anybody for any office.

[Trinity Altamire]

It's not like. It's not like politicians. It's like policies. So we'll go in between, you know, like, Ted Cruz and a different Democrat will have, like, different policies on fucking legalized sex work. And little did you know, Ted Cruz is like, let's legalize sex work.

[Nate Hong Kong]

But it's.

[Trinity Altamire]

It's to arrest more pimps. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To arrest.

[Trinity Altamire]

Yeah. Little did you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little did I know. Welcome to another episode of Little did I know. I've learned a lot here with Trinity.

[Trinity Altamire]

Thank you.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's also. That's a very funny phrase in comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, do you know we got to bring that back.

[Kevin Ryan]

Nothing, no laugh is ever derived from little do you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you say, ari, you got to

[Ari Shafir]

bring that back and stand up instead of folks, please, or ladies and gentlemen, little did you know what?

[Orhun Timor]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good twist. Little did you know today's my birthday actually Wednesday. Little did you know that it takes a little bit for that one to sink in.

[Ari Shafir]

Hey, you know, in Latin America, there's a lot of street dogs. Little did you know, you can them.

[Trinity Altamire]

That what you're working on.

[Redband]

All right, chill.

[Rock Out Millie]

Whoa.

[Ari Shafir]

Not cuz you suck.

[Orhun Timor]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trinity landed like a pro. Like Alexa pro. Wow. Wow. All right, Trinity, I'm going to throw this little joke book right in front of you so you can catch it. There you go. It's all right.

[Trinity Altamire]

You can keep it if you want it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you had your viance, you would have caught that thing.

[Trinity Altamire]

Ah. And you're so correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Trinity Altamire]

I would have caught that. You're correct. Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got it. Did you guys find that little joke book?

[Ari Shafir]

Gone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, this guy with the shady haircut pocketed already.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Give.

[Ari Shafir]

So awkward.

[Mr. Ziegler]

Give her another.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get it. Here. Here's another one. Here you go.

[Ari Shafir]

Give her another one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, there she goes. Trinity Ultim, ladies and Gentlemen, Trinity. All right. Now we get to go to this. Okay, okay. All right, Heidi working overtime tonight. We got a well hydrated panel tonight. Heidi's the best. Make sure you follow her. Heidi, Regina. No doubt about it. We have a golden ticket winner, everybody. Who. This is his first time cashing in. He blew our minds. A veteran of comedy from the country. Country of Turkey, doing a brand new minute. His first time cashing in his golden ticket. Make some noise for Orhun Timor, everybody. Orhun Timor.

[Orhun Timor]

It's been really nerve wracking back there because I'm watching the people go before. It's like, open micro legend. Open micro legend. I'm like, I. Can I please be after. I'm gonna buy Trinity all the alcohol or medication. She needs this. I was like, oh. And she. I know her too. I'm like, oh, please suck. I don't give a. About your career, please. Anyway, but now comedy. So I'm 33. I've never gone close to marriage. I can't look at you when I say this. I have to look at a man. I've never gotten close to marriage. You guys can act a little surprised. By the way, I bought a new fucking shirt for this Fucking act surprised, all right? But the reason is because I'm a struggling comic and I really don't want to settle for someone who would settle for me, you know, Anybody who looks at me and says, yeah, I'll waste my best egg years on him. I'm like, I don't want someone with bad judgment raising my children. Children, you know? Anyway, thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Orhun Timor, very funny joke. Your turkey tree.

[Orhun Timor]

Turkey tree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Turkey tree.

[Orhun Timor]

Turkey tree. Yeah. 33.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Hell, yeah.

[Orhun Timor]

I'm actually from Connecticut. I just do this accent to be more authentic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Think, you know, Amazing. Ari, this is exciting for you to be next to the guy that we replaced you with when we thought you weren't coming back. It was a while. It was a long time. You weren't responding to texts out there. The texts were turning green. I'm like, I need a I love

[Orhun Timor]

you, by the way, if you want, I can touch your head and you can go to my country turkey and they'll plug your hair if they see my hair.

[Ari Shafir]

Buddy, I am 100% picking about that. Also, what is going on in the set of Taken four?

[Orhun Timor]

What you gotta announce instead of taking four.

[Ari Shafir]

It's over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It doesn't matter. Orun. Timor, where did you get that new shirt from? Exactly?

[Orhun Timor]

I got it from Can I. Am I allowed to plug places?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I Just asked you a question. You're allowed to say whatever you want.

[Orhun Timor]

Okay. Leopard's Lounge. It's a vintage place. Place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Someone.

[Orhun Timor]

I can buy new clothes too. I just like vintage. Okay. You're looking at me like, I don't know. I like it when somebody already sweated in it and it. Whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's very Turkisho.

[Redband]

Yes.

[Orhun Timor]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The joke is fantastic. Tell us more about how life has changed since winning a golden ticket. What's going on? Life in Texas for Orun Timor.

[Orhun Timor]

Well, in Texas, it's amazing. First of all, I've been getting a lot of opportunities in general because I'm Turkish, you know, it's not always heavy. Like 90% of my country is very like, yay flags, all that. 10% of my country think I'm a traitor and 4 people think I work for Israel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah, that's going to happen a lot. Anytime anybody does good or bad at anything, just prove now I'm. If you make it, you, me, dude,

[Ari Shafir]

get a screenshot of that and send it back to Istanbul.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just a thing. Now the world is on to the Israelis because of the Internet. So if anybody does anything really, please part up.

[Ari Shafir]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If anybody does anything really great, like making it in show business, they assume you're working with the Israelis. And if you assassinate anybody or do anything really bad, they, they assume you're with the Israelis.

[Orhun Timor]

Well, that being said, if you look at my tax returns of last year, like, I think they're shortchanging me a little bit over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, they are known for that short changing with the Israelis. Real. That's the first thing they do. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you? If you had to guess?

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, good question. To.

[Orhun Timor]

Oh, wow. I am thinking of the answer that will get me in least trouble.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

N. Don't worry about trouble. You're okay. You're next to Ark Ari Shafir. He's basically, he's their supreme leader.

[Orhun Timor]

Me, I touch you. We got each other. Okay, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just gave him a high five. Or as he calls it, a high. I think three and a half high five.

[Orhun Timor]

I think, I think I, I, I like, I like women who are mean. I think that's the most Jewish thing about me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a Jewish thing, Ari? Women that are mean?

[Ari Shafir]

Well, the last was she just flame me for no reason at the end. Go down yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are the Turks known for? What are some of their stereotypes?

[Orhun Timor]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Again, it's okay. You can't look at every answer like you're Scared to death of someone assassinating you.

[Orhun Timor]

I'm acting like I'm doing that. I'm actually thinking of the funniest thing. It's a. I don't. I don't give a. I'll say whatever, okay? I'm in America now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Ari Shafir]

You have your green card. You got your green card.

[Orhun Timor]

Huh?

[Ari Shafir]

You got your green card.

[Orhun Timor]

I have my citizenship. I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

What happened with Ari, Maddie? Why can't he do this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari decided to go through his own weird lawyer that he found online. And so it's taking a long time.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You know the president.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. He refuses help from everybody and anybody. Literally, we're friends with.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you have any connections with the governments? Yeah, I know the one in charge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the most bizarre thing. We're friends with the entire administration and literally he has to give them his case number. And Ari refuses based on his own weird Estonian principle. I swear to God this is true for us to help him. But what's exciting is that much like you coming out and surprising us, his plan is to surprise us with the citizenship that hopefully happens. Because if it doesn't happen soon, they're literally going to ship him back to Estonia. He's going to be one of the most famous deported people ever.

[Ari Shafir]

You're going to announce his name and somebody with a baba club is going to come out and say he's not coming back in.

[Orhun Timor]

But I gotta say, most people in Turkey have been supportive. Like, I gotta say that 90% is very supportive.

[Hannah Jane]

Yeah.

[Orhun Timor]

Americans are very supportive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Orhun Timor]

I. I got my first comedy nudes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Also comedy nudes.

[Orhun Timor]

Because I got personal nudes, but now comedy nudes or nudes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dick pics with some dick pics.

[Orhun Timor]

Some dick pics too. But I didn't press them. I didn't press them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know they were dick pics if you didn't press them?

[Orhun Timor]

It's because I saw skin color and black hairy thing and I. I said, I reckon this is a dick. I reckon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I'm going to go back to stereotypes of Turkish people. What are they known for over there?

[Orhun Timor]

We're known for eating everything except pork.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Orhun Timor]

But every part of a cow. Large intestine. Testicles. Well, actually, my father liked testicles a lot with eggs, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Orhun Timor]

Yeah, yeah. Just my father.

[Ari Shafir]

Huh.

[Redband]

Nuts and eggs.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Orhun Timor]

No, basically nuts and eggs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Orhun Timor]

We call them life eggs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does it give you energy or something? What is the purpose?

[Orhun Timor]

It actually has absolutely no nutritional value. It's a Psychological thing. You're eating the cow's balls and you're like, I bet now I have. It's bull power.

[Ari Shafir]

It's not a cow. I'm almost powerful positive.

[Orhun Timor]

Have you eaten balls?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, but not from a cow.

[Orhun Timor]

Well, come with it. You. You're a legend over there. I'll make you any eggs you want.

[Ari Shafir]

I know a stereotype of Turkey. I mean I don't. Listen, I lived in LA for a long time, so it's a separate reason from you. But I hate Armenians.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this true? Moving on. You're afraid to tackle this subject too? You do. Do you have a dislike for Armenians?

[Orhun Timor]

Oh no, I love Armenians. I love everybody in our region. I grew up in the Armenia town of Turkey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Orhun's been famous for three weeks and he's the most afraid of getting canceled out of anybody. This is the wackiest shit. But why can't I love everybody? In fact, I participate in political party with Trinity Altamire. We do non profit, we do nonprofit, we do many policies.

[Orhun Timor]

See the thing is, when I like after I lived in America for a while, you realize like the Armenians and Turkish people are like the same. You know, all the things I don't. All the things I don't like about them is exactly what I don't like about my people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's exactly how us pure Americans feel about both of you.

[Orhun Timor]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. It's amazing.

[Redband]

What about the Greeks? A lot of Turks don't like the Greeks.

[Orhun Timor]

The Greeks, we took their land. And we're not gonna give it back because we want it fair and square. We gotta pay conquest by conquest. I just realized I'm touring over there. You guys are ruining me.

[Ari Shafir]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's perfect. Amazing. Orhun. And what do you think is the most American thing about you? Other than the fact that you're wearing the trans flag as a shirt right now?

[Orhun Timor]

I just realized that that's actually 100% true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I forgot.

[Orhun Timor]

I forgot that that existed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I accidentally click on pictures sent to me, a trans flag. I said, I want that in shirt.

[Orhun Timor]

Most American thing about me. I guess I came to this land and I had no connection here. And I said, this is mine. I think that's the most.

[Redband]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[Redband]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or who? Timor, ladies and gentlemen. With his first spot and interview since becoming a golden ticket winner. It can happen to anybody. It can happen at any point, anytime. My God, there are some die hard Heidi fans in the room. They're going ballistic for Heidi tonight. Is everybody on bluechew? Tonight. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Nate Hong Kong, everyone. Nate Hong Kong. Here's Nate, everybody.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Hello, all. I am Nate Hong Kong. Well, I was born and raised in Hong Kong, but I got a big dick, so you can just call me Caucasian.

[Rock Out Millie]

There we go.

[Nate Hong Kong]

I know. I have lots of Chinese friends as a result. Or just the one. I can't tell. Yeah, I actually. I failed my driver's license in Hong Kong. You know how fucking bad you have to be at driving for a Chinese guy sitting next to you? Shit, scared to be like, why don't Lola? I can lie in good conscience. You are a low hazard. No, no, I actually failed because I didn't hit enough of the traffic cones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing? You didn't call that family a four. All right, that's me, Nate Hong Kong. What a wild show this is tonight. I like it. Nate, how long you been doing stand up?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Since I was like. Well, I did my first set, I think, when I was, like, 18. I'm 29 now, in Hong Kong.

[Ari Shafir]

You started Hong Kong?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, I did my first set of takeout. Yeah. A long time ago. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So you lived over there for how long?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, I was born and raised there, and then I spent, like, a little bit of time in Singapore and then back to Hong Kong, and I was there till 2019. And then the Hong Kong protests went from, like, 2013 to 2019, and that. I was, like, a part of those.

[Mr. Ziegler]

And then.

[Ari Shafir]

How'd you guys do on that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The same as every protesting group of all time. Yeah, all time. Never a victory for the people out on the streets whining about anything.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Turns out you need power everywhere.

[Nate Hong Kong]

It's true. Yeah, we. We did very poor.

[Ari Shafir]

Poorly, you know. You know Garen Chu and Tammy Chan?

[Nate Hong Kong]

No, I. I kind of left

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tommy Wong. Chong. Tommy Wong. I got this in one ear. That and the other. So when did you come to America, Nate?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Like, seven weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven weeks ago?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, bro. I signed my lease on 6th street yesterday, so.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, congratulations.

[Nate Hong Kong]

First time ever in the United States.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you went straight from Hong Kong to Austin in Texas?

[Nate Hong Kong]

No, I got stuck in during the COVID lockdown in Australia and then. And that made me want to blow my brains out, dude.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Nate Hong Kong]

That was brutal. That was, like, two years in lockdown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe, if you.

[Ari Shafir]

Hot. That must suck.

[Redband]

Yeah, four years ago, man.

[Chad Smith]

Yeah.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, it kind of just ended for me recently. Yeah. Unfortunately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever think that you may have been the one that spread that around?

[Nate Hong Kong]

I was the yes the answer is yes. I. Because I. Yeah, they. I told everybody when I moved there, I'm like, I've just come from Hong Kong. And they were like, right? Yeah, it was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redband]

So you've been in Australia for four years?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, yeah, more or less. And then back to HK for a minute and then back to Oz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hk. I love it.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Here we go there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you know how to speak Chinese fluently, I'm guessing.

[Nate Hong Kong]

I speak like conversational Cantonese. I'm not very good. The first language of Hong Kong is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

English, so can you give us an example of a sentence?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Like, I can. Yeah, Like I'll say. Yeah, I'm. I'm a little nervous, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We all speak Cantonese. Can you. Can you enunciate that a little bit?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Nate Hong Kong]

My mouth is very.

[Ari Shafir]

What does that mean?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Beside I speak Cantonese. What I speak can't sneeze.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you.

[Kevin Ryan]

I'm not even sure he speaks English after this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Redband]

I gotta be honest. I don't trust this either, dude.

[Kevin Ryan]

He looks like he's from Dublin. He's like, I'm from Hong Kong.

[Nate Hong Kong]

No, it's a good point. I wouldn't trust me either. I think my mom was a spy. I'm almost certain that my mom was an American spy.

[Kevin Ryan]

Drank for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What makes you.

[Redband]

While she was pregnant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What makes you think your mom was a spy?

[Nate Hong Kong]

I was digging through her like personal belongings one time and I found a picture of her. And then it said spy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, your mom's definitely a spy. Damn, that's incredible. I don't think you should have brought that up on one of the biggest shows in the world.

[Nate Hong Kong]

True.

[Orhun Timor]

Yeah.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Sorry, Mom.

[Orhun Timor]

Love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've blown her cover.

[Redband]

Should have consolation when she's getting her fingernails pulled out later this week. A comedian.

[Ari Shafir]

He's on Kill Tony also.

[Kevin Ryan]

What a horrible spy who takes a picture of themselves then writes, I'm a spy.

[Redband]

This guy's mom.

[Kevin Ryan]

That's crazy, dude. No spies. Like, what am I. Let me just write it down so I don't forget.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sort of forget. I don't think thing they pull out your fingernails in China. They might paint them and buff them out for you.

[Nate Hong Kong]

That's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is your mom. What do your parents do for work in China that they made you. That they made move there?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, my mom was in the foreign service and. And then she got stationed in the unofficial state department in Taiwan.

[Ari Shafir]

And your dad hides Lucky Charms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Nate Hong Kong]

That's really funny, dude. That's really Funny. Yeah. The answer is yes. That's.

[Redband]

Do you know Robin Hood yourself? Looks like the Fox.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you been doing for work your whole life?

[Nate Hong Kong]

I worked in hospitality, and then I did some work for a film production company based in Sydney.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You saved up money and moved to Austin, Texas?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, I lived with my parents for a year to save up money to move to Austin, Texas. Yeah. Seven weeks ago.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what's your plan now that you're in Austin? How you going to make money here? Hong Kong?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, I. I mean, I have an extensive hospitality background and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so you're looking for work?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, yeah. Looking for work.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say hospitality background, what exactly do you mean?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Bar. Yeah, bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Shafir]

Do you really mean hospitality? Yeah.

[Mr. Ziegler]

There you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

go. A civil sock sake on the 6th Street.

[Orhun Timor]

Yeah,

[Nate Hong Kong]

actually, it's funny. Like. Like, in Cantonese, you call people loboto. Like Japanese people loboto, which is like turnip head. That's like a good face. Very niche slur.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Very niche.

[Chad Smith]

Very niche.

[Ari Shafir]

My favorite slur of all time comes from Hong Kong. What's that? Mainlander True?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all the other Chinese.

[Orhun Timor]

It's.

[Ari Shafir]

It's all the other chines Chinese except for Hong Kong and Taiwan.

[Nate Hong Kong]

All right, all right. We have. We have Jews in China, too. Yeah. You know, they just can't get circumcised because there'd be nothing left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Chinese, Jewish, small penis. Super remix.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, that's actually such a. Yeah, that's. Dirty lie, though. That's a dirty lie. They're Chinese guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They.

[Nate Hong Kong]

They. They. They have big dicks. I've seen them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah, I, like, I grew up going to gym class and stuff. Like, it's not. It's not. Not like they. Yeah, they catch a lot of. But it's not all true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we just found out that you have an extremely small penis. I'm pretty sure you just accidentally. He's like, my mom's a spy and I got a little dick.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. That's my time.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But at least it doesn't take a little bit for that to sink in. At least we know exactly what you're talking about, right?

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah. Four inches is big.

[Ari Shafir]

The legendary Hong Kong.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. This guy's. Oh, Mandingo.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got the biggest replica on the dick.

[Nate Hong Kong]

That's so funny.

[Orhun Timor]

That's so funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Nate Hong Kong]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Nate. Well, I like your style, man. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Here's a big joke book coming at you, Bing Bong. There you go. Bing Bong is his travel agent's name. Everybody back in Hong Kong, little fun facts for you. Bing Bong. Bing Bong. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Rock Out Millie. That's an interesting name. Let's all meet Rock Out Millie together. How we doing, Austin?

[Rock Out Millie]

I go by Rock Out Millie. The first question I get usually is and what race am and I like to represent for? Half black, half German. I'm saying not a lot of us out here, but we out here. I think it's kind of funny how. NBA players both say currency the same way. Money. See, I was playing on stripping.

[Kevin Ryan]

My bad.

[Rock Out Millie]

I was planning on stripping when I got out here. So I'm a strip. You feel me? First of all, the merch a little bit. What's up, Big Mike doing? We fuck with Whitney Houston.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Austin.

[Rock Out Millie]

We fucking with Whitney Houston. I got caught in the rain before I came here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This ain't the first time this bitch got wet. It's not the first time. Okay, Rock Out Millie with his Kill Tony debut, Ari Shafir.

[Ari Shafir]

Before we go on. I don't. This is a long time ago. Whitney Houston was a pop star and she died in the bathtub. Second of all, who's asking you what race you are?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even D Madness knows the answer to that one. That black as night he look like what I be seeing.

[Redband]

Am I wrong or do you have a little German in you? Am I right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. Look at this guy. Are you really half German? German, yeah. Really?

[Rock Out Millie]

My mom German.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's completely German.

[Rock Out Millie]

Yep. Sir.

[Kevin Ryan]

Wow.

[Rock Out Millie]

I don't know my dad, so I assume he's black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't even imagine how black he must be. The dominant genes of your black father. I mean, absolutely incredible. Rock out Millie.

[Ari Shafir]

What am I?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look Jewish.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah, you got it.

[Kevin Ryan]

He said you look Jewish.

[Redband]

Wish that's a German in you.

[Orhun Timor]

That's a German in him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, let me remind you all. Let me remind you.

[Ari Shafir]

The German in him hates me and the black in him respects me. Not tipping.

[Rock Out Millie]

Hell yeah. I never tip. No, do your job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It checks out. Yep. You're. If I. I'll mention again your dad has dominant jeans. What's amazing is you're half German. And meanwhile, we had a black guy on earlier named the Mr. Ziegler and he wasn't half German. His last name? Ziegler. You're. What's up with the black German thing? Do you have an answer for that?

[Nate Hong Kong]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you people coming from?

[Redband]

He said he doesn't know his dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You might be Mr. Ziegler.

[Kevin Ryan]

So, son, have you ever put your dick fully inside a lady or only

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a little bit and make him go crazy?

[Rock Out Millie]

Inside of what?

[Kevin Ryan]

Have you ever. Do you put your whole. What the going on? I just answered this guy like I'm on his show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. This is an amazing.

[Ari Shafir]

Born here or you're born in Germany?

[Rock Out Millie]

No, I was born in New Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jersey. Wow. All right. He's turning on the crowd, ladies and gentlemen. Pretty angry making a heel turn here. Oh, he wants more of the booze. It's okay.

[Ari Shafir]

I love a heel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna keep. Oh, he got that painted outside of the alleyway. Without a doubt. Guy was sleeping on his belly, woke up and painted on his jacket. This is absolutely amazing. Rock out. Millie up here with a one very cotton glove that is. Is that just. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, proved you wrong to Michael Jackson glove with a Whitney Houston shirt. We are all hoping he dies soon. This is incredible. Amazing. Rock out, Millie. How old are you?

[Rock Out Millie]

I'm 24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24. What do you do for work, Millie?

[Rock Out Millie]

Unemployed. I got an interview tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Where? Amazing.

[Redband]

I got a feeling you're not gonna get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where. Where is this interview? At Whole Foods. Whole Foods? Oh, yeah. B R. What. What do you want to do at Whole Foods?

[Rock Out Millie]

This is the seafood department.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, you already smell like that, so. Kidding. Millie, what's your living situation? You move here full time?

[Rock Out Millie]

I came here on New Year's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you have your own apartment?

[Rock Out Millie]

Homeless. That's there on 7th Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you're homeless. Look at me differently.

[Kevin Ryan]

Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're doing great for homeless. That's amazing. Most homeless people don't have two gloves. The only bad news is they're both for your right hand. So that left hand. Frostbite. Old frostbite. Millie, over here, so. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Oh, my God. We had Uncle Laser. We've never had cousin Laser before. This is incredible. Wow. This guy's.

[Kevin Ryan]

This is brother Laser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing. A man of many slight talents. Well, he's pulling something else up. Mill. Wait, so how long have you been homeless for?

[Rock Out Millie]

Since New Year's. I came here New Year's Day and I sat outside the comedy mothership that whole day.

[Kevin Ryan]

Okay, that's a weird resolution.

[Rock Out Millie]

I got to a shelter on the 12th. Okay, so 12 days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

12 days homeless, 12 days on the streets, the shelter after that. What were you doing in New Jersey before you moved here?

[Rock Out Millie]

I went to New York when I was 13, but I was born in Jersey and I was a grocery store manager.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you managed a grocery store in New York City?

[Rock Out Millie]

No, I managed a department.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What department?

[Rock Out Millie]

Deli department.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, now you're looking to make the jump. Seafood at Whole Foods.

[Redband]

It's a big league.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big jump.

[Rock Out Millie]

You didn't have a seafood department.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, but you dreamed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, Millie. What else about you? What do you do for fun?

[Rock Out Millie]

Shit, I like to draw. I got this little cartoon I'm working on called Dope Kong Cone. It's going to be out soon.

[Redband]

Called what?

[Rock Out Millie]

Dope cone.

[Ari Shafir]

Spell that.

[Rock Out Millie]

D O P E, C O N E. Dope Cone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dope cone. What's that about? What's the theme of Dope Cone?

[Rock Out Millie]

Two stoners. And it's. It's a comedic cartoon and it's. It got some deeper meaning into it, but it's really just. It's just funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where can people find it at?

[Rock Out Millie]

Check my Instagram. Out at Rock Out Millie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Rock out Millie. M I L L Y, everybody. There he goes. Rock out Millie. Here's a we. I'm gonna go get. I'm just going to give it to you, cuz you look like you need it. Or you could resell it or something.

[Ari Shafir]

Play harmonica thing real quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Ari Shafir]

What you think he's good at harmonica?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Put that on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's going to do it, Ari. He's going to do. Looks clean. Ari. Don't do.

[Redband]

Oh, you're gonna turn German.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen. You know it. A man, a fearless, fearless legend. Oh, he's got bedbugs. Ain't no party like a bedbug party.

[Redband]

I really hope he gets that job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do too.

[Redband]

Yeah, I hope he doesn't wear that to the interview and look like a idiot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's actually a great point. Is Millie already gone? Millie already gone. They is. Let's see if he's right there real quick. Send him back out real quick because that's a great question.

[Redband]

I just wanted to tell him to make sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's a great point. Real quick. Millie's still here.

[Ari Shafir]

Millie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he there?

[Redband]

It's Millie Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he gone? Okay, he's. Oh, he's here in the rain. Here he comes. Millie, real quick, real quick. Just one question. Just come out. Send him out. Send him. Send him. Send him milk. Millie, real quick, because he brings up a great point. What are you wearing to that interview tomorrow? What are you wearing to your job interview tomorrow?

[Rock Out Millie]

A suit. Inside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a suit and a tie. Okay, there he goes. All right, good luck. We're gonna.

[Kevin Ryan]

Good luck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna put in a word for you at the Whole Foods, Fifth Street.

[Rock Out Millie]

Come see me, Seafood department, Fifth street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At the. At the freeway. There you go. Seafood department, apartment kid.

[Kevin Ryan]

You don't want him homeless.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. We're having fun here tonight. Just had to make sure. Last bucket pool of the night makes the noise for Alex Hurtline, everybody. Alex Hurtline.

[Alex Hurtline]

Yeah, dude, I'm starting to think all Mexicans are Oklahoma Thunder fans, because whenever I ask one for a favor, they're always like, okay, see? Yeah, dude, I fucked a celebrity. Yeah, dude, it was a great time until I got kicked out of the wax museum. Yeah, dude, the fucking security guard that caught me, he was like, sir, I need you to pull out a Buzz Lightyear right now. Thank you. Yes. Let's see here. Everybody measures the height of snow, but never the giraffe.

[Redband]

Very stupid.

[Alex Hurtline]

Yes. Oh, thank God, dude. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A great bucket set. Alex Herlein. Welcome, welcome. Is this your first time on the show?

[Alex Hurtline]

Second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on this show before? I remember now that I see that crazy birthmark you got. Oh, yeah, there. That thing's wild.

[Kevin Ryan]

Ari was like, he's got a black eye. He's got a black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He also said that about Rock Out Millie too. When he came out, he's like, he's got a black eye, a black cheek, a black forehead. Something. Something's up with this guy. All right, Alex, welcome back. Where was that last. When was the last time you were on the show?

[Alex Hurtline]

It was in July. Greg Gretford Simmons was on, and I had a generational up. Like, I did jokes about my birthmark, but I wore a bucket hat so, like, nobody could see what I was talking about. And I, like, bombed hard as well tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You cranked it, dude. Amazing jokes. I love the unbelievable crisp annunciation mediation. Everybody got what the you were saying? It was well written, it was well edited. Everything was tight and strong and smart and funny. I was wondering where you were going with that OKC joke. Incredible. The act out, the whole thing. Amazing stuff. Are you shafir.

[Ari Shafir]

Also didn't lean on the birthmark at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Great. Let this be a lesson to all these wheelchair cowards. That every obstacle is just a hurdle that some of you can leap over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The classic Fiona Collie laugh in the mix. She's great.

[Orhun Timor]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. So, Alex, that's amazing. Amazing. It's great that you learned that lesson about the birthmark and the hat and everything. Crazy stuff like that happens. What else has been going on in your life? Remind us. How old are you?

[Alex Hurtline]

I'm 24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24. What do you do for work?

[Alex Hurtline]

I'm a. I'm a barista at Dutch Bros now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. Crushing it.

[Ari Shafir]

Oh, yeah. Barista's a reach for Dutch Bros. But okay.

[Alex Hurtline]

True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. You make coffee?

[Alex Hurtline]

Yeah, I put in a cup and I'm like, here?

[Ari Shafir]

Yeah. Dude, your face looks like you got a handshake at Interstellar.

[Alex Hurtline]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does anybody ever order a black eye at that place? Do you know what that is?

[Alex Hurtline]

That's a drink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a drink. No. I was once. A lot of people don't know this, but on the grind and hustle that I've been on, I once worked at the Starbucks next to the Comedy Store morning shifts before working the afternoon phone shift at Starbucks. And I am a master fucking barista from 18 years ago. Coffee with an espresso shit shot. That is a red eye. Wait, what's a black eye? That's a coffee with two espresso shots, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, amazing. So we're all learned something here tonight. If you really want to get wired, you could throw espresso shots in your coffee. Oh, yeah.

[Alex Hurtline]

I have a Starbucks question for you, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure.

[Alex Hurtline]

Compare the two. What did tortas order the most?

[Ari Shafir]

What's a torta?

[Alex Hurtline]

Oh, yeah, fat Mexican leg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's very easy. Straight. Straight Frappuccinos all day. Caramel. Caramel. Yeah, double caramel, extra whipped cream. Frappuccino. Okay, that.

[Alex Hurtline]

That's interesting because that Dutch Bros, it's always like a strawberry horchata chai.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, that's probably as close as it gets.

[Alex Hurtline]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. We didn't have horchatas at the Starbucks, but I promise you, if we did, that would be the running low. That would be the. The torta. That would be the drink of tortas. What do you guys think of. Yeah, Alex?

[Kevin Ryan]

Awesome. Yeah, Great. He's funny as chill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Ari Shafir]

You know, what, what are you doing?

[Joe Ellis]

This.

[Ari Shafir]

Whatever Red band's show is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a great point. You don't want them on. Why don't you come down? It's a special week at south by Southwest Week. And also at the. He said, thank God. When it was the minute. He's like, thank God I can't. You know, how much. How much material do you think you have? That's like that minute that you did that quality. Obviously. Those are like three of your best jokes.

[Alex Hurtline]

Yes. So, like, the longest I've done is probably 25, but that was like two years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing comedy again?

[Alex Hurtline]

Three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years.

[Alex Hurtline]

I have, like, it's one liner shit like that and then kind of stories. If I had to guess, maybe, maybe 30. If. If I was bombing straight, I could be up there for 30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think, you know, we're gonna do just for fun since Ari teased you. And I don't have a golden ticket to give away because your interview is just a normal white guy. But what I am gonna do.

[Kevin Ryan]

You call that a normal white guy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, he is turning into a werewolf in real time.

[Redband]

He looks like he's about to have super powers.

[Pauly Shore]

Yeah, right.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Yeah, dude.

[Alex Hurtline]

I'm a firebender at heart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what we are gonna do, though, is we're going to. We're gonna send you up to. To Adam Egot right now who's doing showcases in the other room, and you're gonna do a short set for him right now.

[Alex Hurtline]

How long is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's either three or three or four minutes, something like that. They'll tell you right before right now in real time. Alex Hurtline, ladies and gentlemen. There he, you go. Boom. He's about to be in front of the booker of the mothership, the former booker of the comedy store, literally the biggest t talent booker in the comedy industry.

[Ari Shafir]

Tell him to only turn the left hand lights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It be funny if Adam's like, I'm going to pass you. Oh, God. What the. Oh, no. It was a movie monster, man. God damn it. Why you guys send up that freak to me?

[Redband]

Yeah, I think you got a lot. What the?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a real eye for. What the. Is that all right, everybody? I mean, what a show. It's been amazing. We started with William, Ari, Madd's on the road doing extra shows. Timmy no brain Diggs is conserving energy. But we have one more regular to close out tonight who I think is taking over comedy one week at a time. An undisputed growing freak of nature. At one point in his life, he was the dark storm of Atlanta. Now he is the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for yet another this guy never touched turns down a set when we've done two shows a night. When we've had multiple shows a week, he always has a new set. Make some fucking noise for one of my favorite comedians. Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

[Dedrick Flynn]

What's up? My therapist told me I can't be a Y N no more y in me, young nigga and cause one I'm 35 and that energy is dangerous with a nigga with no ACLs. So now I'm on my WPN. Shit. It's white people insurance. I just got health insurance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I had you. Cause now I gotta start going to the doctor. I was against going to the doctor because my uncle told me at a young age, he was like, the emergency room is free, right? And we live based on that. And then after I went to college, I just started using my student loan debt because they won't let you die if you own student loans. Cause student loans is the only thing that you could only pay with by dying. Like, you can't do, like, bankruptcy. So, like, I would use that to my bit. Y' all remember when the cops was real mad at black people?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People.

[Dedrick Flynn]

And it was scary, right? Everybody was scared, but not me. Every time I got pulled over, I would roll down the window and I'd be like, I owe $40,000 to Sally Mace. And then the cop be like, ah, all right. I was going to shoot this out of you, nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't know.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Even when you go to the hospital, if you want to get to the front of the line, you gotta go tell them niggas you got student loan debt. I don't care. What's wrong? You could have a car door stuck in the middle of your chest, and it's actively giving you AIDS for some reason. Nigga, you will get soft like you will get. Nigga, you come in there, you like, I got $120,000 in student loan debt with an ethics and philosophy degree, nigga. Dr. House, Dr. Mario. The niggas from Graves Anatomy Scrubs show up. Y' all notice. Didn't know niggas die from COVID that had student loan debt. That's my time I lay out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. God damn it. He's done it yet again. You just gotta learn to love it, people. Two or three massive huge applause breaks. Only Ari got that with brand new material from a huge vacation. Dedrick, you are a pro, dude, I'm

[Dedrick Flynn]

not playing no games this year. I'm going for rookie of the year. A. Mvp. I got coach Bill Belichick over here and White Dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just incredible. Your. Your knack for amazing premises is what I just absolutely love. Not letting people die if they owe money is amazing fact. It's incredible, honestly, if you think about

[Dedrick Flynn]

it, Tony, all these people that's on, like, icu, like, on the core, like, brain dead. If you just go whisper how much them, like, call this sir, you're at 180,000. That will just get up like you know what I'm saying? I feel like if we just go tell these. They running the bill up. They was like, pull the plug, I'll walk. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. You had amazing jokes that I think went over people's heads. Wpn. White people Insurance. Unbelievable. I went to. I. I whispered in red. Banzir Insurance. Unbelievable. I mean it's just amazing. You're hitting from every angle. You're absolutely crushing. Ari. This is one of your first. This has to be your first time seeing dead.

[Ari Shafir]

I don't know. It was. I mean, I love. Obviously I love the teeth.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Thank you.

[Ari Shafir]

I mean it's just. Just pricing it out as I watched you. So. But you were able to overcome that. And I can hear your material. I was doing that in the background while I was listening to you, which is great. Black debt matters.

[Pauly Shore]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[William Montgomery]

You're bald.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I think guys.

[Ari Shafir]

You son of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should have kept that homeless Jamaica hat on you. They wouldn't have had anything on.

[Dedrick Flynn]

You think it came out looking like a homeless Gandalf the way white fire and shadow. I fought him for seven days.

[Redband]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you so. I love you.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Please don't get mean to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm too high for you. It was great, buddy. I love it. And this is. Have you guys ever seen Dedrick?

[Redband]

No, first time.

[Kevin Ryan]

I mean, first time I've seen the clips. He's a stone cold killer. The same person. He's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would love him on Are you garbage? Because babe, he is from real Atlanta. The kid has stories.

[Kevin Ryan]

He looks so classy. What are you talking about?

[Dedrick Flynn]

It's the Kill Tony money. Now let me tell you, I did

[Kevin Ryan]

see his first clip. He was dusty as.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he really is.

[Dedrick Flynn]

I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The gold chains, the gold teeth. He's got the earrings. But my favorite thing is what's cooler than a black guy wearing a brand of menthol cigarettes that aren't even in business anymore for the bulk cap? Salem.

[Dedrick Flynn]

My uncle got this in the 90s cuz he's sending a bunch of empty cartons. He said in 72. And it's the same uncle that used to steal the pothole covers in Indianapolis and go sell them in Detroit at the recycling center.

[Redband]

An entrepreneur.

[Ari Shafir]

That is actually an R garbage car. That is an R garbage car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was going to say never cashed

[Ari Shafir]

anything in off Marlboro points.

[Redband]

That is a garbage car.

[Kevin Ryan]

The first questions we ever came up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy might be your first ever like 10 part docu series. Are you garbage?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Dedrick?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is a machine. You did it again tonight. It is a you. You know, you haven't been a regular all that long and I've been throwing you these closing positions and hyping you up on the intro. And you never dodge a bullet. You always go with the win. It's incredible to see.

[Dedrick Flynn]

This is my. I love doing this. I love being on Kill Tony. I love following my dreams. I love busting my ass. I love being here. I love Red Band. I love Tony D Madness. We got a beef. I've been waiting to get in contact. This blind. This blind been on my ass all day. Cuz that goes into the other blind you gave Chris. I call him blind Chris. Yo, that beat me in pool yesterday. Don't talk about this. Beat me at pool cuz them can see with their ears like this know. And then he had Jay legend Bagger Van in the the whole time, every day that beat me in pool. Then this blind, I guess heard it through the blind grapevine. However them

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen, the unstoppable sports. The future has arrived. Learn to love it. It's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Dedrick Flynn. What a goddamn show we had tonight. Ari.

[Ari Shafir]

Fun, fun, fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brought to you by Shopify and quote Ari, plug the release one more time.

[Ari Shafir]

It comes out this Are you. This is. Wait, hold on. It's called the end. It's a new version of whatever storytelling show you're doing. Know it's got. It's available April 16, but the pre sale is available right now at ymh studios.com Tom Segura is producing it. It's got Tony Hinch headlining an episode. Roy Wood, Shane Gillis, Nate Barazi, Tom Segura, Chris Estefano, Mark Norman, Joe List. On and on and on and on and on. Tony is headlining. Probably the best, best episode. We have four stories about trying to to come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, buddy. And it's a real. You know, Ari's has been my big brother in this for about two decades and you really did put a lot of effort into this thing and it's awesome. And you just heard the names on it. One more time for Ari Shafir surprising the dog out of us tonight. And how about one more time for the. Are you garbage guys? Are you garbage.com back on the block tour, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Three of my favorite human beings here. Thank you. So much fun on a random Monday. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Little Timmy, no breaks. Gonna be for sale in the lobby with all that Cool kill Tony merch. Killmerch.com for an amazing new plethora of things, including our new WWE merch, in which of course, we will be in Las Vegas, April right after the Saturday night of WrestleMania. That is indeed April 18th in Vegas. A WWE Kill Tony crossover episode. And it's. Yeah, it's completely crazy. It's my dreams coming True. And May 7th, we are the Intuit Dome doing the largest attended audience audience for a Kill Tony ever. Bigger than the O2 arena, bigger than Madison Square Garden. Our return to Los Angeles, where we started this thing 13 years ago in front of 17 people, maybe less.

[Ari Shafir]

Tony, can I just say that people, I was hosteling around the world and a lot of people mentioned the special thanks to your goddamn Netflix shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Every time you special thanks to Ari Shapir for nothing. Right. What does it say again?

[Ari Shafir]

There's a lot in there. You could look at the credits and Tony's show if you made it that far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Shafir]

And yeah. Yeah, you're a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fun. We have a lot of fun running jokes, me and Ari. One more time. Ferrari, Shafir Redband.

[Dedrick Flynn]

Check out my new music video.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know me. Cap red music on YouTube. Cap Red 7 on Spotify and all. That's right. A lot of other huge announcements happening very, very soon. And that's about it. So we love you guys. God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[Orhun Timor]

Sa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wide awake in her whiskey hole?

[Dedrick Flynn]

Sa.