#742 - TIM BUTTERLY + SAM TRIPOLI

Summary

KILL TONY #742 SUMMARY
TIM BUTTERLY + SAM TRIPOLI
Date: November 4, 2025 | Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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OVERVIEW

This episode of Kill Tony brings together hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban with special guests Tim Butterly and Sam Tripoli. Featuring a mix of new, seasoned, and wild-card comedians, the show delivers unpredictable stand-up sets followed by rapid-fire interviews and panel banter. Standouts included heartfelt and hilarious crowd interactions—including first kisses for participants, deeply personal anecdotes, and a viral double-vagina-reveal from one comic. The hosts and guests, known for their sharp senses of humor and irreverence, keep things moving with playful mockery and genuine encouragement for talent new and veteran alike.

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HIGHLIGHTS & KEY MOMENTS

1. Hosts and Guest Introductions (00:00–04:35)

• Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban welcome the audience and introduce the best damn band in the land.
• Special Guests:
  • Sam Tripoli: Comic and host of multiple podcasts, including “Tinfoil Hat” (noted for conspiracy content).
  • Tim Butterly: Comic and host of “Dad Meat” and “The Tim Butterly Show.”
• “Sam was one of the first guests ever on the show 13 and a half years ago. Tonight, over 300 human beings signed up…” (04:37)

2. Golden Ticket Winner: Martin Phillips [Sets off the night] (05:25–13:20)

• Delivers a wild one-minute set based on his life and Halloween experiences—infusing self-deprecating jokes about his disability.
• Banter about groupies, his rhythm in bed, and if he has ever done cocaine.
• “I would love to see how hard you just...We can fuck. We can do coke. We can do it all, you know.” – Martin Phillips (11:12).
• Crowd and panel riff on sex and disabilities.

3. Stevie – The Manic Sweater (14:07–22:30)

• Describes wild experiences in Thailand and a story about talking would-be robbers out of stealing from him by plying them with pizza and jokes.
• Panel roasts his excessive sweating and frenetic energy.
• “How would you describe your comedy in one word?... Wet and loud.” (19:13)
• Admits to having been married (“bad at relationships”) and working merch for race teams.

4. Annie Teicher – Dating Woes & Comedy (22:53–29:32)

• Set about disastrous dating, falling down stairs, and not telling men she’s a comic.
• Noted for previous viral moments on the show (“What’s the blackest thing about you? I shop at Ross.”).
• Works as a golf pro; panel jokes about racist country club encounters.
• Admits she’s “done” telling men she does comedy due to their expectations.
• “I want to date a woman.” (71:32)

5. Reese (Australian Comic) & The Shoey [30:00–38:00]

• New to the show, delivers a high-energy set heavy on swearing and jokes about Uber vs. Waymo, homelessness, and cultural differences.
• Brings his jacked Croatian girlfriend onstage and does an Australian “shoey” (beer from a shoe)—a running Kill Tony bit.
• “She’s Croatian and jacked, bro. 14% body fat.” (34:00)
• Turns into a lighthearted, cultural showcase.

6. Danny Yang – Asian Representation & Divorce Tales (39:08–50:15)

• Edgy wordplay about Asian slurs and Renaissance Fair costumes.
• Gets grilled about his sexuality and ex-wife (“You’re an Asian nurse? No. Do I look Filipino?” 41:27), humorously resists the panel’s prodding.
• Discusses screenwriting and failing relationships, only ever dating white women.
• “Have you ever been with anything other than a white? …No, now that I think about it.” (49:36)
• “Asian-whites make hot, hot kids.” (45:03)

7. Sarah Klein – Double Vagina Reveal & First Female Kiss (64:32–81:54)

• Does material about dating an optometrist, being on the “tism trail,” and a history of high-functioning autism.
• Panel dives into her “Level One Autism,” job as a cat sitter, birding, and pole dancing “for fun, not for money.”
• On air, Sarah reveals she has two vaginas (“a septum dividing into two canals… they have to label it left and right during pap smears.” 74:54).
• Crowd erupts as she is kissed onstage by a female audience member—her first woman’s kiss in Austin.
• “I want to date a woman.” (71:32)
• “From the outside it looks normal…” (75:08)

8. Alex Friedman – Adopted Game Dev, Orgy Bits, Mario Impressions, and First Kiss (103:53–112:30)

• Set: Social anxiety in orgies, Filipino jokes, gets mistaken for Filipino.
• Reveals adoption from Peru, raised in NYC, became a software engineer.
• The panel has Alex do “Mario” jumps and jokes about his eyebrows.
• On the spot, he receives his first kiss in Austin from a pretty audience member.
• “The worst part is every time I come, it sounds like [Mario jump].” (107:07)
• “This is the best night ever.” (110:25)
• Shows black-belt skills on stage per Tony’s request.

9. Ari Matti – Estonian Assassin closes the show (114:40–124:04)

• “Just found out tranny is a slur... If there’s an active shooter behind you, I’m not gonna be like, ‘Oh, they/them—no, I’m gonna: ‘Tranny, get down!’” (114:40)
• Riffs on Thailand trips, being tricked by ladyboys, and “taking it like a straight man.”
• Discusses his heavy writing and performing schedule, with praise from Tony.
• Shares travel mishap stories with Martin Phillips, including funny airport wheelchair stories.
• “The way chicks are looking at you when you got a guy in a wheelchair, dude, we had the wheelchair, Martin had the dog. Triple threat, dude. Pussy nation.” (123:20)

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

Martin Phillips:

• “If I take out a rib, I can suck my own dick. But what I do, I take out another rib so I can eat my own ass.” (06:55)

Sarah Klein:

• “It’s now called level one autism, which for me, as a gamer, is mildly infuriating. Cause I’m like, what do I gotta do to get to the next level?” (65:44)
• “There’s a septum dividing it into two canals… I have two cervices. When I get a pap smear, they have to label it left and right.” (74:54)

Alex Friedman:

• “I've been to a lot of orgies… weirdest, the place was empty… there were just two old people in the back going at it. Seeing Betty White getting pile dragged by Joe Biden.” (104:08)
• “I was adopted from Peru, my mom is from Queens, my dad is from Cuba.” (106:03)
• [After first kiss] “You know what? I feel good. I feel excited. This is awesome to be around here…” (110:25)

Ari Matti:

• “If I go to bed with a lady and I wake up, it’s a dude. You know what I do? I give you a fist bump and say touche, GG.” (116:29)
• “I can fuck a dude and feel nothing… the mind is more powerful than the body...” (116:42)

Tony Hinchcliffe:

• “You are one of the most self-destructive humans we've ever had on this show.” – To Joe Filey, after losing a job and getting sued due to previous Kill Tony stories (87:48)

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STRUCTURED TIMELINE WITH SEGMENTS

| Timestamp | Segment | Notables | |-----------|---------|----------| | 00:00–04:35 | Intros, Band, Panel, Format | Guests, repeat mentions | | 05:25–13:20 | Martin Phillips | Golden ticket winner, disability humor | | 14:07–22:30 | Stevie | Wild stories, sweat jokes, comic-pizza-robbery story | | 22:53–29:32 | Annie Teicher | Dating, viral previous appearance | | 30:00–38:00 | Reese (Australia) | Accents, shoey, ‘big dog’ girlfriend | | 39:08–50:15 | Danny Yang | Asian wordplay, sexuality, divorce | | 64:32–81:54 | Sarah Klein | Optometrist, autism, 2-vaginas, first female kiss | | 103:53–112:30 | Alex Friedman | Orgies, adopted, first kiss, Mario, karate | | 114:40–124:04 | Ari Matti (closer) | Tranny joke, Thailand, work ethic, airport misadventure |

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RUNNING THEMES & TONE

• Irreverent, Unfiltered: No topic is off-limits; the tone swings between supportive roasting and jaw-dropping moments.
• Personal Vulnerability: Several comics share deeply personal or embarrassing stories; panel responds with humor and empathy.
• Live Crowd Energy: Onstage dares, real romantic firsts, and call-outs to audience and staff maintain a chaotic, interactive vibe.
• Recurring Callback Bits: Shoeys, bucket pulls, “joke books” awards, musical sound effects, and surprise audience participation keep the format dynamic.
• Panel Chemistry: Tony, Redban, Sam Tripoli, and Tim Butterly balance venom and warmth, pushing comics to be honest, weird, and memorable.

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CLOSING NOTE

This episode is a cross-section of the current Austin comedy boom in an environment designed to reward risk and authenticity. Though bawdy and often outrageous, it’s a test kitchen for raw comedic voices, propelled by a chemistry-laden panel and an audience hungry for both cringe and surprise.

Standouts:

• Sarah Klein’s “two vaginas” reveal and kiss – a fan-favorite viral segment.
• Ari Matti’s closer, with a joke about slurs, Thailand, and gender fluidity that brings the night full-circle.
• Several comics sharing firsts (kisses, bombings, wild life stories) that stay true to the show’s “anything can happen” DNA.

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For Further Reference

• Kill Tony - Official Website
• Sam Tripoli
• Tim Butterly

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Prepared for those who missed the episode or want to relive the wildest moments.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Brian Red Band. The best damn band in the land, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable.

[B]

That's the great Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa.

[A]

How we doing, everybody?

[B]

Is everything good?

[A]

We just lost you there. Got real quiet. You guys happy to be here? Almost seems like something happened with the

[B]

audio or something that threw everybody off or something. Did you notice that? No, you didn't? All right, I guess I'm the only one paying attention. No, we're good.

[A]

No, don't, don't worry.

[B]

Don't worry about a thing.

[A]

Redband. How about a hand for Michael Gonzalez, everybody? This is the great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John De on the keys, and that's D Madness on the bass guitar. This episode is brought to you by Talk Space.

[B]

You are here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. And before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. And now we're on our first commercial break.

[C]

What happened with the audio?

[B]

The audio on mike one wasn't on upon arrival. Yeah, the number one rule. Keno, do you have a spotlight for yourself so that you could light yourself up right now?

[A]

You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Anything can happen. This is the greatest live show in the world. I pride myself on being an unbelievable booker of guests, and this week it is the motherfucking boys. One is, they're both two of the greatest stand ups in the world. One got my fucking career started at the Comedy Store 18 and a half years ago by taking me on the road, showing me how the fuck it's done. One of my first ever favorite comedians in the world and he is in Austin, Texas. The other one lives in Austin. One of the most powerful comedians moved here. We love him. Make some fucking noise for the great Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterly, everybody. Sam Tripoli is back. Tim Butterly is back. Oh, boy. Sam. Tripoli is on tour. The Tinfoil Hat podcast, the Broken Simulations podcast, the Deep Waters podcast.

[B]

A lot of conspiracy podcasts going on with the great Sam Tripoli. Sam, how are you?

[D]

I'm doing great. I love your sweet voice, brother.

[A]

Thank you. Sweet, sweet folk.

[B]

Thank you. It's good. Good to be able to hear turn up his mic. That's right. It's good to hear it. How about a hand for the great Tim Butterley, everybody?

[A]

Tim Butterley has dad Meat is his podcast and the Tim Buttery Show.

[B]

He's on tour as well. Timbutter.com hi, Tim.

[A]

I'm just playing. It's working.

[E]

I'm just kidding.

[A]

Don't. Hold on.

[F]

No, I'm just.

[A]

I just.

[E]

I thought it would be so funny if Tony had a second meltdown.

[A]

Yes. How dare you, Keno? How dare you.

[D]

I wanted to steal that so badly when he said, I'm like, I'm gonna

[G]

let him do it.

[A]

That's very sweet of you.

[H]

Thank you, Sam.

[A]

We're gonna have a blast.

[B]

You guys have been on the show numerous times. Sam was one of the first guests ever on the show 13 and a half years ago. Tonight, over 300 human beings signed up. They are crammed in together at a bar next door, hoping and praying that their name gets pulled out of this bucket. If they do, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Okay, that's a joke, guys.

[A]

I mean, you're all fucking. You're all literally hacks right now. By the way, it was on a fucking commercial break. Nobody knows what jokes you're fucking making. Nobody knows you're playing for the stupid 250 people instead of 4 million, you fucking retards. Jesus Christ. God.

[D]

I'm on your side,

[A]

all right. You got the sound of getting wrapped it up, then I'll spring out. The angry Starley would bear. Very good. All right, I'm gonna let this pedophile pick the first name, the blatant pedo in the front. All right, send it. Ooh, A one word name. That's gonna be fun. While we go wrangle that comedian, ladies and gentlemen, we have one of the great golden ticket winners. Literally what many say, including myself, the greatest kill Tony, golden ticket winner of all time, ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from the super powerful Martin Phillips, everybody. And here we go.

[G]

I'm drunk. Halloween. I like to make my own candy to pass out because it's creative. And it's way easier to put razor blades in. Okay. I saw this apple juice. It was called Adam and Eve apple juice. And I was like, not falling for that one. Don't break me down with you. Anyway, speaking of removing a rib, we all know.

[B]

Exactly.

[G]

We all know if I take out a rib, I can suck my own dick. But what I do, I take out another rib so I can eat my own ass. You know? Like, why? Why stop at the dick?

[A]

Keep going.

[G]

Hey, I want to. Where to lick my back, you know? And people get frustrated with me. Like, if they're like, is your head up your ass? And I'm like, I'm trying. Give me time. Okay, that's it. Okay.

[A]

Martin Phillips. Hi, Martin.

[G]

What's up?

[B]

How are you today?

[G]

I'm good.

[B]

That's good. What's been going on, buddy? You're making it. You're on tour. You're out everywhere, wobbling around.

[G]

Yeah. It's been so from the begin. Just as well.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What's been going on? What are your favorite cities you've been to?

[G]

You know, well, after a while, they all kind of blend together. I don't know, it's like, same thing, same, you know, but, you know, I know. First of all, half the art he says didn't happen. He's talking about today. Yeah, Our gate kept being changed, so he had to push me in a wheelchair around the airport. And of course, Ari is just like, oh, I want to get so much pussy off of it. I was like, save something for me, dude.

[A]

I love it.

[G]

But sometimes I bring my dog with me. So if he pushes me in a wheelchair with a dog, we're unstoppable.

[B]

Yeah. That is incredible. Sam, Tripoli, do you have groupies?

[D]

Dude, do you have groupies?

[G]

Oh, not too bad, but. You interested? You interested?

[D]

I want to watch you make love so badly, dude. I want to watch. One time.

[G]

I'm so happy. Somebody who wants to watch me.

[D]

I'll pay for it, dude. I'll pay for it.

[I]

All right.

[G]

All right, cool.

[D]

We'll get some top shelf hooker. I just watch you go to town.

[E]

Poor name.

[G]

Meaty Marty.

[A]

Oh, Meaty Marty.

[D]

Hello. I'm hard.

[B]

Yeah. What would one expect from watching a sex tape with the great Martin Phillips? I don't know.

[D]

How would you describe your rhythm when you make love? Is it broken? Robot type? What?

[G]

We're just going with the back out of the ocean. I don't know.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

You're gonna have.

[E]

It's gotta be dynamite.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure.

[E]

It's a human Civian.

[A]

Yeah. Good for sure.

[G]

Sick.

[B]

What's the longest you've ever lasted while

[A]

having sexual intercourse with a woman?

[G]

I've never, like, timed it.

[B]

You had to give it a ballpark.

[G]

It felt like an eternity to me.

[H]

I don't know.

[A]

It's probably.

[D]

Imagine how she feels.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

What else is going on, Martin?

[B]

Tell us more.

[A]

You know, just chilling, gearing up for Halloween.

[B]

Do you have big Halloween plans?

[A]

That's one day of the year where

[B]

everyone walks like a zombie.

[G]

Yeah, I know. During the apocalypse. I'll be saved, you know, no one else to worry about me.

[H]

So.

[G]

Yeah, but I don't have any plans yet. I'm in town, though, so. You got a party?

[A]

Yeah, let's go.

[G]

My mom sent me candy, so I got my candy. Okay.

[B]

Wow. What kind of candy did she say?

[G]

Oh, man, I got my Reese's.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

So they say there's no wrong way to eat a Reese's. How do you eat a Reese's?

[G]

Whole thing in, baby.

[A]

Wow. Look at that.

[B]

See, I go edges first. I nibble on the edges, and then I take the round coin, the perfectly round coin, and I shove it up my ass.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I shove it up my ass.

[G]

I. I knew that was how. Yes, you ate it.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Dude, I'm sober, but I would relapse to do coke with you. I would love to see how hard you just.

[G]

You should just hang out there. You got. We can fuck. We can do coke. We can.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[G]

We can do it all, you know.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Have you done coke before?

[G]

Actually, I have not done coke, actually. No, I have not. But you got.

[D]

Night is young, bro. Listen, let's, let's.

[B]

Who is.

[D]

Of all the handicapped people, who's the best in bed? If you could just bang. Is it the blind person?

[G]

Oh, it's pacific, like.

[D]

Yeah, like.

[G]

Well, I was going to say D Madness is the handicap person.

[A]

D Madness is right behind you.

[B]

By the way, he's blind Sam, the

[D]

guy behind I, I, I, I know when I see blind black people go. They're not hard to see. They're always making sure you see them all the time.

[A]

I'm so.

[D]

They always do do that, don't they?

[B]

What's up with that? So they're always very seen people. That is interesting.

[G]

But the fast type, anyhow. That's the question.

[B]

Yeah.

[J]

Okay.

[G]

Well, first of all, us, we must hear dystrophy. Fucking smash it all the time. So we had that deaf. You don't even have to hear the ladies. It's probably good.

[B]

What about clubbed foot?

[G]

You know, they don't really have to use their foot in bed, so yeah, they're probably kind of normal with it. I have done studies out there. It's not my porn category or anything.

[A]

We want you to, we want you to do a study and next time

[B]

you come on, we expect a full report.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Martin Phillips everybody. He got the party started. The undisputed golden ticket tyrant, Martin Phillips.

[D]

Like the Jerry Lewis handicap, this name

[A]

is a one word name. It is written in ink over and over and over again. If we did a handwriting sentence study on what this person is going to be like, I can tell you I've been doing this job a long time. A long time. I pull a name out and I see the handwriting, the energy of this. This should be interesting. Make some noise everyone for Stevie. Stevie.

[K]

Patio Beach, Thailand. I'm standing out in the front of the girls Go Go club and I can't wait to go inside. Here's what I saw. First girl comes out completely naked, had really great chest hair though and has one of them big fat magic markers, slips it into her.

[L]

Woo woo.

[K]

Squats down and wiggles out. Welcome USS Denver. Next girl comes out completely naked, makes her way over to my table and just using her meat curtain blows a candle out of my table. Then she takes a whistle out of her hair, puts it down on her giner box and bangs out the marine corps hem. And if that wasn't enough, she gets a whole pack of smokes going and you guessed it, her vajayjay blew the sexiest pussy smoke rings I've ever seen. Next girl comes out, takes turns landing ping pong balls into each of our drinks using just a juicy cannon in the shoot reload technique. Next girl, I swear she had to have lip burns because she pulled like 40 yards of rainbow colored yarn out of her tie panocha as her friend ran it around all the stripper poles. Oh, let me.

[A]

Ah.

[K]

I didn't even get to the banana. Or the darts. Thank you so much.

[A]

Wow. Somehow exactly one minute. Oh my God.

[B]

Stevie, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct?

[K]

Yes it is. Yes it is.

[B]

Nice to see you pal. How long you been doing comedy?

[K]

Since the fourth grade.

[B]

Okay, very good.

[K]

My mom had to come and sit behind me in school so I wouldn't be like, hey, look at me, I'm funny. So sorry about that.

[A]

It's been a while, you know, you

[D]

have a Coke problem?

[K]

Well, yeah. She got me a shirt that says Woke and Coke, so I love that shir.

[B]

Did she really?

[K]

Yeah, no, I just made that up on the spot.

[B]

Okay, good. Stevie, how long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[K]

Stand up comedy? About three years.

[B]

Three years? All of it here in Austin?

[K]

No, I started out in Arizona after some people tried to rob my place. I ended up talking them out of robbing my place and made him laugh. We ate pizza, smoked a bunch of pot. It was great.

[B]

Is that true?

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

That explain to us exactly what happened. So it's the middle of the night day.

[A]

What is it?

[K]

All right, so here we go.

[B]

By the way, Stevie is soaking wet.

[A]

By the way, for those of you just listening to the podcast, perhaps you're getting some work done and just playing it in the background.

[B]

His upper lip is drenched.

[A]

His face is retaining the weight of the water.

[B]

It appears as though there's so much

[A]

toxicity in his sweat that it's not respecting gravity whatsoever. Somehow it's accumulating in a pile as if though he's laying horizontally.

[B]

This is incredible. Tim Butterly, you got a closer look at that sweat. Can you describe it for the people?

[E]

There's an almost imperceptible twitch on the upper lip that is probably the most frightening part of the entire ensemble. You're completely lacquered in layers of moisture.

[D]

Right now.

[A]

It is the layers.

[K]

How do you spell ensemble? I mean, that's like a grown up third grade word, right, bro?

[D]

You look like both ice and the illegal.

[K]

I'm here to get you people.

[I]

Here we go.

[K]

Triple A, one Mexican, two Mexican, three. Oh, wait, sorry, I did that wrong. Uno, dos, tres. No.

[A]

All right, so Stevie, go ahead.

[B]

And now is the time to tell us about the robbery in which you made friends with the people.

[K]

All right, so I'm sitting at home, it must be about 1:30 in the morning, and I'm watching porn because that's what I do. I love myself some porn. And all of a sudden my porn goes out. Oh, what the hell? So this is Arizona, and I know that everything's hot outside, so I'll go outside to where it's like 140 degrees and there's a person standing on my workbench ripping off my tv. And I'm like, oh. So I flipped the light on. She turns around and looks at me and she goes, oh, shit. So wait, hold on, let me get my dog secured. And once I got them secured, I went ahead and got her down. And then her man started beating on the Garage. And I was like, whoa, tell your man I'm not calling the cops. Just be cool.

[H]

Just be cool.

[B]

So what color are these people?

[K]

I believe it's my understanding you're not allowed to ask me about that anymore.

[B]

Okay, Stevie, very funny. Answer the question.

[K]

They were both of Latino descent.

[B]

Okay, very good. All right, go. Go ahead.

[K]

All right. So once I open up the garage, he comes in, he's mattering shit, ready to beat my ass. And I look at her and I look at him, and they're like, okay, what are we gonna do? I was like, I'm not gonna call the cops. Are you guys hungry? And looked at me and said, yeah, we're hungry. So I got pizza. I just finished cooking it. Let's grab the pizza. I bring the pizza out, slam it down, and he goes to town. He eats like three pieces and she eats one piece. Then they both start crying. And then I had to start, you know, telling stories about Thailand again to get to them to laugh.

[B]

Why were they crying?

[K]

Because they felt bad. They were in my place, ripping off my.

[D]

And they had to hear your comedy, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

All right.

[E]

They're actually wiping his sweat out of their eyes.

[K]

Well, it was 120 degrees outside.

[D]

How do you describe your comedy in one word? What would you. Well, two words, maybe.

[E]

Actually a hundred.

[A]

Wet and loud.

[D]

I call it fast forward. That's what your comedy is. Fast forward. You're doing 10 minutes in a minute.

[B]

I love it.

[K]

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[A]

Okay. Stevie, what do you do for a living?

[B]

Exactly?

[K]

What I am is I'm into race cars. So I find myself going to different race car crews at different race.

[A]

Uh huh.

[K]

I find myself going to different race teams for different racing events, and I help them do stuff for the car.

[B]

So wait, what, what, what, what the do you mean?

[A]

What exactly do you do in the race world?

[B]

What's your job?

[D]

Math. That's what he does. He deals math.

[B]

What's the exact job? Stevie, stick with me here. What's your job?

[A]

How do you make money?

[K]

All right, so on the weekends when there is a race, it's about two, maybe three.

[B]

Three.

[A]

All right, red band, that's enough of the tense game show music.

[B]

Go ahead.

[K]

About two or three raking two or three races a month is about what I get to pull off and just go and set up their T shirts and. And the canopy.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

You do merch for race car drivers.

[K]

That's a great way to put it. Yes, sir.

[A]

Yes, it is the title of the Job.

[B]

I love it. I love it. And you're able to survive off doing that?

[K]

Yes.

[B]

How do you survive off?

[K]

It's just me. There's nobody else in the family. It's just me. So what happened?

[B]

Have you ever been married before?

[K]

I was. I was. It didn't work very good because I'm bad at relationships.

[B]

Explain to us exactly what went wrong.

[K]

Way too fast.

[B]

Okay.

[K]

She didn't get half the stuff I wanted. When we were having sex, I was like, no, here. Now. Like this way. All right, Up. Okay. She didn't like that. She wanted something slow.

[B]

Did you ever once just make love to her?

[K]

I think twice.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Did you ever try not talking?

[K]

That's why I'm alone, big brother.

[B]

Wow, you're so scary. Stevie, what do you do for fun

[A]

when you're not working in the race world?

[B]

What's a fun fact about Stevie that would surprise us all?

[K]

There's three things that I love. I love me some. Some dogs. I love me some remote control crap. And I love me a 50 year old woman who smokes and hates men.

[A]

Wow. Stevie, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely incredible Stevie.

[K]

Yes, sir. Yeah.

[B]

What's one more crazy fun fact about your life that would surprise us about you?

[K]

I fought wildfire.

[B]

You fought wildfire?

[A]

Yeah. Just one?

[K]

No, I got. I got to spend some time on a hotshot crew and actually run around the nation fighting wildfire.

[E]

They hung up from a helicopter and rung him out.

[A]

The great Tim Butterley, ladies and gentlemen. Stevie, up here. Here it comes. It's a little joke book, buddy.

[K]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. There he goes. Stevie, everyone. There he goes. Stevie. I knew he was going to be wild. Oh, the great Heidi. Let me just remind everyone that I kind of guessed that. If you remember me saying he wrote his name a thousand times over itself. I mean, that is literally he. Is that handwriting? You see what I was saying?

[B]

Crazy. You see that?

[A]

How. How manic is that?

[D]

That's Ransom Font, right?

[A]

Yeah, exactly. All right, everybody. Your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet her all together. Make some noise for Annie. Tighter. Or teacher Per.

[M]

I've been dating and it's been pretty bad. I'm not gay, but I'm getting there. I just seem to like the worst guys. I feel like this is a good example. The last guy I dated one time, I was over at his house. I fell down the stairs and he shushed. And I know what you're thinking. Wow. You were dating someone with a two story home. I messed up. But dating is confusing. I'll go On a date and end up texting him, hey, we can't get to know each other if you don't come back from the bathroom. And I am done telling these guys I do comedy,

[B]

Okay?

[M]

I am done telling these guys that

[L]

I do comedy, okay?

[M]

I'm done. They're always like, oh, no way are you funny?

[A]

And I'm like, okay, Annie, we're gonna cut you off there. Sorry, we had some audio issues there.

[D]

Red band. She's a victim of domestic violence. She shouldn't have done that.

[B]

Annie, that was a fantastic set. Congratulations. How about another hand for Annie?

[A]

Great stuff. I remember you. You've been on this show before, and it was very, very, very much fun.

[B]

You had a couple very viral moments, and I remember them well. Cause. Cause they pop up, and I see them sometimes. You famously. I identified you as one of the whitest white women in the history of the show. And I said, what is the blackest thing about you? And you answered, I shop at Ross and

[A]

the clips. I mean, the crowd went wild.

[B]

It was a whole thing. I think I asked you another one too, right? What was it?

[M]

Most Latina thing.

[B]

The most Latina thing about you.

[M]

And what was that answer I draw my eyebrows on?

[A]

Wow. Just honest and amazing.

[B]

Absolutely perfect. How's comedy been going for you, Annie?

[M]

It's been going well. I. I'm enjoying it. And it's. It's. Yeah, it's been great.

[B]

You live here in Austin. How do you make money?

[M]

I am a golf professional at a country club in the suburbs.

[B]

Oh, amazing. That's right. Incredible. Anything crazy happen at the golf course lately? Any kind of wildly racist moments or anything?

[M]

Nothing overtly racist. I saw somebody fall backwards. You're a golfer, right?

[B]

Yep.

[M]

So he had one foot out of the bunker. One foot in. There was a hill behind him. He was trying to get out of the bunker. Yeah, exactly. And he whiffed the shot, and he fell backwards down the hill.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

I love it. Did you tell him? Shh. Annie, you're so cool. How's dating life in real life? You're actually single. Why do you think you have a problem getting a man,

[M]

Boy?

[B]

What's the last date you went on? When was that?

[M]

That was in January.

[B]

Okay, and what. What exactly did you do in January? Where'd this.

[A]

What.

[B]

How'd you meet this guy?

[M]

I met. We met on hinge.

[A]

Okay.

[M]

And what'd he do?

[B]

He took you to a restaurant or something?

[M]

We got drinks, and I was. I was pretty bored.

[B]

Okay. Why exactly were you bored? What is that?

[A]

Noise.

[B]

Stop that. Whoever's doing that.

[M]

I just. It was. It was just him telling me about him, and then I was there to kind of listen to it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What was he telling you?

[M]

That he was thinking about getting a dog. And.

[B]

Wait, was his name Stevie?

[M]

No.

[A]

Okay, good.

[B]

So how'd the date end?

[M]

I said thank you.

[B]

Amazing. Amazing. So, you know, are you content being alone? Do you like being alone?

[M]

Yeah, I'm pretty happy.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you do to kill the time? What? How do you. You make, like, homemade candles or something like that?

[M]

Yes, yes. It's very sad. And I do it. Yeah. Just me and the wax and.

[B]

No, what do you. How do you really. What do you really.

[M]

Okay, so, yeah, I. You know, I. I work and I just do comedy and doing this as much as I can.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

When you go on a date, do you have, like, different eyebrows? Like, sexy, like. Like ones up like the Verizon logo, you know? Come on, Red band. Why would you do that? This is an innocent woman, and I don't know why you would offend her like that.

[B]

Do you do wacky things with your eyebrows?

[M]

I. Yeah, it depends on who I'm going out with.

[B]

You do excited ones sometimes so that you sound interested.

[A]

When the guy's telling you that he's thinking about getting a dog, you're just

[M]

like, yeah, yeah, I want one just

[D]

up where it always looks like you're questioning them. Do you ever do that, where you're just like.

[M]

That comes naturally.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sam's Armenian, so if you went on a date with him, you could just take a Sharpie and just go one.

[A]

One big line across.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Annie, I found your set to be incredible.

[B]

So incredible. Have you been on the mic here? Has Adam the booker here seen you?

[M]

I. I went on the open mic last week, and I got called back, and I just did it before this.

[B]

Perfect. So everything's happening exactly as I think it should be going.

[A]

This is correct. Adam has good taste. You're good enough for Adam to like you. What's the longest set you've done?

[M]

20 minutes.

[A]

Red band. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Boom. And you already have a big choke book, right, Annie? You already have one of these, right?

[B]

Boom.

[A]

There goes Annie Teicher, everyone. That could be one of the top young rising comedians in the world. That's how it works.

[B]

They're coming here to Austin. It's all happening. Make some noise for your next bucket pool.

[A]

Could be the next superstar. Could be an insane person. It's Rise. James, Carmen, everybody.

[J]

Usually it's only the fucking Asians that fuck my name up. My name's Reese. Anyway, thanks for being here, guys. But by the way, Austin, Texas, what the fuck's going on? I'm Australian, if you don't know. I'm not fucking British. Anybody.

[F]

Yep.

[J]

So I first get into America, right? I get into Dallas, get into Austin. I get picked up by a fucking waymo. Those driverless cars, you seen those? I don't want to fucking get picked up by a waymo. I want to get picked up by a Mexican with a cracked window. Your homeless people out here are pretty wild. I mean, I got.

[A]

I'm in.

[J]

I'm in Melbourne, right? Melbourne's got a lot of homeless people. Your homeless people are very specific. I got asked for 54 cents. I had to do the conversion in my head. It worked out to be about $1.30. That's about 30 cents over my empathy budget, bro. And that's, I think, about, all I got. Cause I did not think I was gonna get picked tonight, motherfucker. I was doing fucking shots next door in fucking Shakespeare, so.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Eight cuss words in 60 seconds from Reese. Is that what you're saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Spell it. R, A, C, E or R H, Y, S. Yeah.

[B]

Well, why do you spell it R H Y, S?

[J]

I don't know if you know how your names get made, Tony, but my mum gave it to me.

[A]

Yeah, but you get mad every time

[B]

somebody doesn't call that Reese, even though it literally isn't spelled like the name Reese at all.

[O]

It's Welsh.

[J]

You know where Wales is?

[B]

Yeah?

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

Why are you asking me?

[A]

You already have a little attitude, huh?

[I]

I'll go attitude.

[B]

Those mandatory Covid boosters got you confident, huh?

[A]

Wow, look at you coming in. Oh, my name's. Race you in here. Normally it's an Asian to call me that. I want to this and that this and I'm that.

[J]

It's the testosterone, bro.

[B]

You're on testosterone.

[J]

I'm not, but I've got a lot of it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I guess so. Okay.

[B]

So, Reese, where exactly are you from?

[J]

I'm from Melbourne, Australia, Man. Thank you very much for this opportunity. This is from. Really sick. I did not think this was gonna happen. My girlfriend's backstage with me, said, love you. This is sick.

[A]

Okay, that's.

[N]

That's.

[B]

See, that's a lot nicer. You're dialing back a little bit.

[A]

You're appreciative for the moment that I gave you.

[J]

I had to I had to come out with a lot of energy because I was freaking out, bro.

[A]

You're doing good.

[B]

You're doing good.

[A]

So tell us about your life.

[B]

How long you been doing stand up?

[J]

Six months.

[B]

Six months?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah, I think seven. Maybe now.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Any day now.

[B]

It's gonna be seven.

[O]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What do you do for a living, Reese?

[J]

I'm in sales. I'm a recruiter. I think you guys call them headhunters here.

[A]

A recruiter, Yo.

[B]

All right, what are you recruiting exactly?

[J]

I work in finance, bro. I work for, like, pretty. I work for a great company, actually. I don't know if I should plug them because they don't pay me enough for that, but they're a great company. And shout out to low market elevate.

[A]

All right.

[B]

What a. What a plug. It was Tim Butterly.

[A]

They'll love it.

[J]

You can't understand a single word I'm saying, can you?

[A]

No, not one.

[E]

But if we could do get the phonetic spelling of that company and look up the reviews, I think that might be nice.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[J]

Great company.

[B]

Is it really?

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Well, I'm. Mate, I've just taken three weeks off to go, like, here. Actually. We accidentally booked at the same time as the Grand Prix.

[B]

Yeah.

[J]

And I wanted to come specifically to Austin to do comedy and to go to the mothership. And this is the most expensive trip ever. But it's so good. And they gave me, like, I've got good time off, good people, good support. So.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. How long you been with this girlfriend of yours?

[J]

We've been together for a year.

[B]

Okay. Does she do stand up, too?

[J]

No, she doesn't. She just has to listen to my bullshit every fucking day.

[B]

Right. What does she do?

[J]

She's a. Actually, she's a gym. She manages a really good gym. She's a big dog. Yeah, she's. She's actually on the screens at BFTs in around the world, internationally, and we went to the one in the Grove maybe this morning.

[H]

I don't know.

[D]

Did you describe your girlfriend as a big dog?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[J]

She's Croatian and jacked, bro. Yeah, she's jacked.

[A]

Jacked.

[B]

Is she really jacked?

[J]

Yeah, she's got 14 body fat, bro.

[A]

Is she really backstage right now?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Can we get it right there?

[B]

Yeah, let's get her out.

[A]

Let's get her name.

[K]

Laura.

[A]

Get her out here. What's her name?

[J]

Laura Matatek. Laura Matatek.

[A]

Laura Magic.

[J]

Laura Madison. Laura Matatak.

[B]

All right, send her out.

[I]

Yes.

[B]

This is gonna have her Sign a waiver.

[A]

Yeah. Please send her out. These Australians propose right now.

[D]

Propose? Don't you just get on your knee.

[A]

You it. You it.

[N]

Yeah.

[D]

You yelled at Tony.

[J]

I'm fighting back. She doesn't know. She does. Let's do this. She doesn't know.

[F]

Let's do it.

[J]

It's gonna be there.

[G]

Get out.

[D]

He's just fake it and then she'll hate you too.

[A]

Hold on. Play cool. I just heard the door close.

[B]

I heard the door close. She's gonna come.

[J]

I don't think we should do this. I'm gonna.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen's gonna hate me for this. What's her name again?

[J]

Laura.

[A]

Laura.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Where is she right now? Australia. Where is she?

[A]

I don't know. Next door with the black guy. We've been red band. Jesus Christ.

[J]

I didn't even hear that.

[A]

Red.

[J]

Red band's got no chance with it anyway, so.

[A]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, M. What's her name again?

[J]

My name?

[B]

No.

[J]

Her name or my name? Yeah, I'm confused.

[H]

Reese.

[J]

I'm Reese. Her name's Laura.

[A]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Laura. Laura.

[B]

What's going on?

[J]

She doesn't want to come up.

[A]

She's next door.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, it's okay. You said she's backstage.

[J]

Oh, actually, apparently if you get an Aussie to do a shoey, it's like a major thing.

[F]

Yeah,

[A]

all right. Reese.

[J]

No, don't do one.

[A]

You want to do one?

[J]

I'll do a fucking shoey.

[O]

I don't give a.

[B]

All right, let's do a shoey.

[A]

You got a beer?

[J]

Yeah, give me a beer.

[A]

All right, we need a beer. We got a beer back there. Heidi, Anyone?

[J]

Has any Aussie done a shoey on?

[A]

Yeah, like 10 times.

[J]

Let's not do it. Let's not do it.

[A]

No, no, I want to do it now. I want to make you drink a beer out of your shoe. Whoa. It's the big dog, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa. Look at this happy couple.

[B]

My goodness.

[H]

I managed to.

[J]

I don't know how we manifested this. This is crazy.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

You didn't manifest anything. My random curiosity. You said that she was built like a brick house or whatever and so big dog.

[D]

Is that cool?

[E]

You. You were describing a muscle mommy.

[D]

Yeah, you got called 40 body fat.

[A]

What is he said about me? While I'm not here, can you. Can you flex for us? Wait, what do I want you to flex? What do you got? Yeah, let's see that Am. All right, I missed it. That was quick.

[B]

All Right.

[A]

We got a beer. Come on, Heidi.

[J]

Yeah, I've got to do a shoey, babe.

[A]

I got do sh. Now. Hey, babe, I got myself in a bit of predicament. I got to do a sh. And the name's Reese, not Rice. Wow. Yeah,

[F]

I heard.

[J]

Tits real.

[B]

What?

[G]

I heard.

[A]

Yeah, her tits are real, and the place is made out of cotton candy. Do the shoey, bro. Jesus Christ. I heard it's real. I've never seen anything quite like that before. He's running out of place. Wow. Representing Australia. That's what they're famous for. Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that don't know, that is their contribution to planet Earth. Drinking a beer out of his shoe. I.

[J]

That's my second shoey. My first shoe. He was last night at Shakespeare's.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at that. Wow.

[A]

Now we need new shoes.

[D]

Now you can call your girlfriend and she laughs, right?

[J]

Is that how it depends. Hang on. This is like an education about Australia. So, like, you need to. It's how you deliver it, and it's your facial expressions.

[D]

Show me good, then show me bad.

[J]

All right, so, Tony, you're a.

[D]

That's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

No, it's bad.

[D]

Okay.

[J]

And then you go. And then you go, babe, you're a hot cunt.

[K]

You know?

[A]

All right. I'm kind of sick of you guys. Is it.

[J]

Is it because you haven't found love yet?

[A]

I'm gonna throw two little joke books at the same time. Let's see if you guys can catch them. Ready?

[B]

One, two, three. Crocky.

[A]

Count it. That counts. All right, there he goes. Reese, James, Carmen. Congratulations to the Australian couple. That really gave us no interesting content of any kind. That interview was what I call bad. But we did our best. Heidi ended up up having bigger muscles and tits than his girlfriend. The muscles are real. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Danny Yang. Everybody, we're gonna meet Danny Yang right now here on Kilton. Hey, people.

[C]

What's up, man? How's it going?

[A]

All right?

[C]

Awesome, man. You know, people, I found out the word chink is an actual word, right? Not just a common greeting that it had in high school.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

No, seriously, man, chink. If you look it up, man, it means dent or crack, all right?

[J]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

But the common phrase is chink in the armor, which was kind of disconcerting because, like, earlier this year, like, when I went to, like, the Renaissance Fair, Right? Yeah. Cause, like, I went as a knight, right? I went as a knight, right? Yeah. And then somebody's Trying to.

[A]

Yeah, somebody's getting it.

[C]

Humor, apparently, to this crowd, is the chink in the armor.

[A]

But no, no, no.

[C]

So what happens, right? They tell me, like, you got to go as something a little bit more Asian appropriate, right? So, you know, next year, I'm not gonna go as a knight, right? I'm gonna go as a king. Yeah, obviously a short king, you know? Cause that's Asian. But thank you. Somebody got that? Okay. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh.

[A]

Thank you, people. All right, Danny Yang, that's a bad word you were saying.

[C]

Oh, come, come.

[A]

Hi, Danny.

[B]

How are you? How long you been doing stand up?

[C]

Give or take, like, 13 years.

[B]

13 years.

[A]

Wow. Where at?

[B]

San Francisco.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

You're.

[C]

You're telling me San Francisco. Okay.

[B]

Ooh. Ooh.

[A]

You're telling me San Francisco.

[C]

That's some kind of Epstein shit you're getting at me. No, not today, Diddy. No,

[A]

Danny. Sorry. Danny, where you been doing stand up at? It's a simple question.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[A]

Fucking attitudes on these people today. It's unbelievable. They're all gonna be working with Kino next week on the Nowhere Nothing burger show.

[C]

I started in Dallas, but now I'm in New York.

[A]

New York.

[B]

Very good.

[P]

Yeah, I love it.

[B]

What do you do for a living?

[C]

I work for a cancer clinic.

[B]

A cancer clinic? Oh, my goodness.

[C]

It's dealing out pills.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You're an Asian nurse?

[C]

No. Do I look Filipino?

[A]

No, I'm not.

[D]

You look Filipino.

[E]

All right, well, you look like you've

[A]

filled a few pinos before.

[C]

My God.

[A]

Do I fucking look Filipino? Are you gay, Danny?

[C]

No, I am not. Please don't spread that ring, okay?

[D]

Come on, dude.

[A]

Danny. Welcome to my world, buddy. Oh, this is incredible.

[B]

Is this what I'm like, Jesus Christ,

[A]

now I'm starting to get it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Starting to get it.

[A]

So, Danny, do you get.

[B]

You get that a lot because you. You have some, like, feminine energies.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

I love. I love how you react to everything. Everything's just. Oh. Oh, God. How dare you. San Francisco. Shove it up my ass.

[C]

Oh, it's bad, man.

[G]

Bad.

[A]

Look at you. All right, so, Danny, do you have a girlfriend?

[C]

No. No, I'm divorced.

[B]

Okay. How long were you married for?

[C]

About, like 12 years.

[B]

That's it. Wow. She love you long time.

[A]

Was she Asian as well?

[K]

No, she.

[C]

She was a Texan.

[B]

She was a what?

[C]

Texan.

[B]

Oh, okay. White.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

A white Texan.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. Those are rare, right?

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Where'd you meet this at Where'd you meet that girl at?

[C]

I met her online.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I was in New York. She was in Texas. Then we kind of, you know, it was like one of those things.

[B]

Wow, look at that. And you guys were just, you know, chatting online, and then you went and visited her. Or she came up to New York.

[C]

She came up to New York first, and then, like, you know, we couldn't afford to live in New York, so we went back. Back to, you know, lived in Dallas.

[B]

Okay. Look at that. Wow. And then. Okay, so why did the divorce happen? Where did things go wrong with you and this sweet little white Texan?

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's. Oh, my God. I don't even. I can't even get started. Tony. Jesus Christ. The list goes on and on and on. County.

[C]

There's all Texan women in here. I'm not gonna say shit.

[A]

No, you go right ahead. You go right ahead. You say this shit. Be honest.

[K]

She was good.

[C]

She was a great person. It's just like, I had to do something with my life, you know, besides, like, you know, just hanging out at, like, you know, freaking Whataburger.

[B]

Right?

[A]

You can't just hang out at Whataburger. No doubt about it. That's what she wanted to do. Did she get a little chubby as

[B]

the years went on?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, she did. Danny Yang's like, no way. Oh, my God. Get it together.

[B]

Oh, my.

[A]

Too much Whataburger batch.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Yeah. There's all the sound effects of their relationship. But you didn't make any kids, huh?

[E]

Huh?

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

You didn't throw some cream cheese in her won.

[O]

No.

[C]

Come on. Nobody wants those half breeds in Texas.

[Q]

No.

[A]

Nobody wants what?

[C]

Those half breeds in.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[D]

I think there's a lot of Asian racism right there. Yeah.

[K]

Come on.

[A]

We need half Asian, half whites.

[B]

With our booming tech industry.

[C]

Well, it's like, how indecisive are you going to be to make, like, a round eye or, you know, slander, you know, just unless I mix it.

[A]

Asian whites make hot, hot kids.

[C]

Well, it's always like somebody's winking. Right one.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

Are you 100 Chinese? Danny Yang?

[C]

I'm from Taiwan.

[B]

Oh, perfect.

[A]

So, yes, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Basically, yeah.

[D]

Soon to be China.

[P]

Yeah,

[C]

soon to be. Yeah. You got it, though, man. I'm not going back there for a while.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

That works.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Amazing. Danny, when's the last time you were there?

[C]

Oh, God, I was a kid, man.

[B]

Oh, Jesus.

[C]

Yeah, they were. Yeah, they were throwing Me on a boat, getting me out of there.

[A]

All right. That's an odd way to travel to China, but okay.

[B]

I like, like it. What do you do for fun, Danny? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies.

[C]

Well, yeah, I mean.

[A]

Oh, my God. Red band. Red band. Why would you do that to him? This is an innocent man who's just trying his best. I don't know why you would embarrass him like that. Do you?

[B]

Do you sucky, sucky?

[C]

Depends on how much you have on you. Okay, so it's gotten that bad?

[A]

Oh, my God. All right, so what.

[B]

Where are we at with the hobbies there, Danny?

[C]

Oh, I'm a screenwriter. I'm here for the Austin Film Festival.

[B]

Oh, nice.

[C]

Yeah, I'm here as a writer.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Okay. You wrote a movie?

[C]

What?

[A]

You wrote a. You wrote a screenplay that's in the festival or.

[C]

Yeah, I wrote a screenplay.

[A]

What's it about? Oh, God. Oh, fuck. Tony, why do you ask this question? Restaurants. I'm straight. I'm Danny Yang

[D]

B.

[B]

All right, go ahead. What's the screenplay about?

[C]

I got two in. That's what she said, right?

[D]

Your wife probably did.

[A]

Hey.

[D]

Oh, he doesn't have strap on energy, everybody.

[A]

I actually have a dick.

[C]

I don't need a strap on, man.

[D]

I mean, in your butt.

[C]

All right. They're called cucumbers, you know.

[A]

Oh, yeah. My God.

[C]

What the hell?

[A]

What the hell? I love you, Danny. You're a funny guy.

[C]

Dude, I have to go to San Francisco now, man.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Let's go, you know? Let's go.

[C]

Called it Love, Love and Lost and.

[A]

Right. That's it.

[B]

Yeah, I love it, Danny. So other than screenplays, you seem like a guy. You have a fish tank?

[A]

I'm getting fish tank energies from you. Do you have a fish tank? Empty.

[C]

I don't have a fish tank.

[B]

You don't have a fish tank?

[A]

Have you ever?

[C]

No, no, My dad had one.

[A]

Your dad had one?

[Q]

That's.

[A]

That's what I'm feeling. I goes feeling fish tank. It's clearly coming from your father.

[C]

Oh, yeah?

[J]

Yeah.

[D]

What's your favorite karaoke song?

[C]

I like that.

[A]

Elvis.

[K]

This?

[A]

A little bit.

[C]

Little more conversation, a little less.

[O]

A little less conversation, a little more action.

[A]

Whoa.

[O]

Satisfaction in me.

[A]

Wow. I like that one. Look at that.

[C]

And Gangnam Style, obviously.

[A]

God, you're funny, Danny Yang.

[B]

I like you.

[C]

Well, flattery will get you everywhere with me into San Francisco, I guess.

[B]

I love it. So tell us more.

[A]

How long.

[B]

How long ago was the divorce?

[F]

It was.

[C]

It's going on, like, five years now.

[B]

And have you been dating women since then?

[C]

Not with the gay rumors, man.

[B]

Have you been dating women since the divorce?

[A]

No.

[C]

No, I. I been on a few dates and they've been horrible.

[B]

It's New York, really. Can you tell us about a bad date? Can you give us an example of, like, something? That one that just went. That you hated?

[C]

Well, I kind of went on one where it was like another comedian, but, like, she would not, like, engage with jokes. It was like having, like, an outer body experience, you know, it was just like, do they not have humor like where you're from? And, you know, and she didn't think that was funny. I was like, obviously not, you know, know.

[A]

Right.

[B]

She wasn't having any fun. Was this another white girl?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you ever been with a black woman?

[Q]

No.

[C]

No, not yet.

[B]

Oh, not yet. Have you been with a Latina before?

[C]

No, I don't.

[K]

No.

[B]

Have you ever been with anything other

[C]

than a white and actually, no.

[B]

Really? Yeah.

[A]

Have you ever been with an Asian woman?

[C]

No, I have only been with white women, now that I think about it.

[B]

Look at you.

[A]

Look at this guy.

[E]

This is like a betraying your race.

[C]

That's me.

[D]

It's gotta be hard for you to make love to Asian women. It's like looking at yourself, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Two Wongs don't make a right. Oh, my God, Danny, I feel like I could talk to you forever.

[B]

How long you in Austin for?

[C]

Probably till, like, Halloween, November 1st.

[A]

I'd love to have you on secret show Thursday. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you so much. You're getting a big choke book too, Danny. Make some noise for Danny Yang, everybody. Danny Yang. Danny Yang. All right, we're having fun. How about a hand for Heidi? She has a new podcast, Love on the Line, with the great Valerie Vaughn. We love Heidi.

[B]

Heidi.

[A]

Look at Heidi fixing Kino's problems for him with some duct tape. The number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Duct Tape. This episode's actually brought to you by Talkspace. As you can tell, some people really need the help. Go to talkspace.com use the promo code Kiltoni. Save your own mental health. All right, your next bucket pool, everybody. We're flying through them tonight. You guys still having fun out there? All right, make some noise for David Wayne, everybody. It's David Wayne.

[P]

I used to have a job where I read a lot of police reports. And sometimes in the police reports, the arresting officer will write in the narrative. My body worn camera was active during the Arrest. They never wrote out that whole phrase. They would abbreviate it so it would read, my BWC was active during the arrest. Yeah, if you're laughing at that, you're my people. If you're not laughing at that, you're still my people. Just haven't been corrupted by the Internet yet. Cause if you're unaware, in porn, BWC stands for big white cock. Yeah. So now Davey reads a police report as my big white cock was active during the arrest. And every one of those, there was always an additional charge for resisting officer.

[A]

Yeah, no shit, dude.

[P]

This guy's coming to me holding his nightstick and his baton. He was yelling out wild shit like blue chews matter. That's crazy.

[A]

Hell yeah, dude.

[P]

So obviously if you couldn't tell by looking at me, it's pretty obvious from the set as well that I really enjoy titty fucking.

[A]

I do.

[P]

I. I just hate when the lube gets matted up in my chest hair. You guys have been great. Thank you.

[A]

David Wayne. Welcome. David.

[B]

Is this your first time on the show?

[O]

Yes.

[P]

Yes, it is.

[B]

I love it. Welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[P]

Like ten total, but six.

[C]

Serious?

[B]

Okay, where at?

[P]

Tampa.

[B]

Tampa, Florida.

[A]

Wow.

[P]

Shout out side splitters.

[D]

Yeah, we love filthy Tampa.

[B]

We love it. Is that where you're born and raised?

[P]

No, I'm from Virginia originally.

[B]

Okay, what made you pick Tampa?

[P]

I can't. Well, sorry.

[A]

Wow. All right. You can't afford what?

[P]

I thought you asked me, why did you pick Austin? And that's what me up. So Tampa was a girl? My ex girlfriend.

[B]

Oh, okay. Everyone's xed up. What happened with this relation? How long were you with her for?

[P]

14 years.

[B]

Oh, my God. A lot of long relationships coming to an end. What went wrong? You rolled over on top of her.

[P]

No, she was a big girl too.

[B]

Oh, okay. Look at you. Couple of.

[P]

Does that work?

[B]

How does it work?

[P]

You got to do the lift, you know, get in.

[A]

Oh, my.

[P]

A lot of folds and fl. It's like origami, you know, you just get in there, you're bending a lot.

[E]

Do you each pick a side to push all your meat to?

[P]

I wish, dude.

[A]

You wish that you did pick a side?

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

So what went wrong with this?

[P]

I started doing stand up comedy.

[B]

That's it. That'll do it.

[P]

Basically, yeah. I mean, because this is, you know, this is like a relationship and she. She was a nurse and. Or is a nurse and she has a daughter. So like I had to babysit, but also like go out and do that's. Why I was only six years. Like the first three and a half years, I only got up like once a week. And you're not gonna get good doing that, you know?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Okay. What do you do for a living? Living?

[P]

I work in a mail room in town. Here.

[B]

Okay, Tell more.

[E]

Yeah, like Postal Tony.

[B]

Not a room filled with mail. What do you do in the mail room? Exactly.

[P]

We're just checking all the packages.

[B]

Steal coupons from TGI Fridays. Check all the packages.

[A]

Tell me about it. Oh, God, get Danny Yang up here again. That's all I do is check packages.

[B]

Oh, because Too Gay D Madness is leaving.

[A]

There he goes. Famous homophobe. The resident homophobe of the show D Madness. He's only allowed 20 gay jokes per episode. There you go. The crowd goes wild for homophobia. What do you think about the gays, David Wayne?

[P]

I love them.

[B]

There you go. Good answer.

[A]

Okay, what else do you do, David? What are your hobbies?

[B]

What? Do you have any special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that knows how to probably win an oyster eating competition.

[P]

I go to the gym.

[A]

Shut the up.

[P]

I do.

[A]

What?

[C]

I do.

[D]

What?

[P]

I swear. I swear to God.

[A]

I go to the gym.

[B]

Just for the smoothies. What do you get? What do you.

[A]

What do you do at the gym?

[B]

Exactly.

[P]

I got out of a 14. I'm trying to slim this down. I've actually lost 65 pounds, so.

[A]

Wow. Amazing.

[B]

Amazing what exactly? Take us through your routine at the gym. You go in with a gym bag.

[P]

Yeah, it's actually at my office. So it's. I get off work at 5, I go up to the gym.

[B]

Just a completely inappropriate. Go ahead.

[P]

No, I just go to the gym, workout for about an hour and a half. I do the StairMaster treadmill, then I walk down here, hit shows and mics and stuff, you know, when I can. So it's a lot of walking. I'm glad it's coming up on Big man season. It's about to get cold, so.

[B]

Yeah.

[P]

Yeah, it's. It's hot here.

[B]

Amazing. So now you live by yourself?

[P]

No, I have a roommate.

[B]

Oh, okay. They do comedy too.

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. And it's a two bedroom.

[A]

Yep.

[P]

Two bedroom, two bath.

[B]

Two bath.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

Look at you thriving.

[P]

Nobody wants to share a bathroom with me.

[A]

Right, exactly.

[B]

You have any weird eating habits? What's your poison? What's your. Just your go to when you're. When you're feeling sad? What, do you cry and eat at the same time?

[A]

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

[D]

Did you Chip your tooth eating

[P]

from Florida.

[A]

Yeah, that is.

[B]

That's some Tampa dentistry right there.

[A]

Real Picasso of teeth.

[B]

That's amazing, David. Well, my goodness. When's the last time you were on a date, David?

[P]

Friday, this past Friday.

[B]

Oh, wow. Look at you, playboy.

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

Where'd you go on Friday?

[P]

We went out to a place off Congress, South Congress. And came back to my house and, you know.

[B]

Wow, look at you.

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

You closed it with her. You. You. You lifted it up.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[P]

Oh, yeah. I got in there. Got in there, baby.

[D]

First date. Slam dog.

[A]

Wow.

[P]

We've been dating, but. Yeah.

[Q]

I don't know.

[B]

Wow.

[P]

No, it's because the 14 relationship. I've only slept with, like, three people, so now four, I guess.

[B]

So, yeah. They slept with three people too, at the same time. That's you.

[A]

Your three people. Your three people, David, you're leaving here with a medium sized joke book. Congratulations, David. Thank you. There he goes. All right.

[B]

Just going to keep going through it. We don't have another regular till the end of the show, so we're going to get some extra bucket pulls up here today. Make some noise for your next comedian. It's kj, everybody. We're going to meet KJ together.

[A]

Just two letters, kj.

[D]

Make some noise, Austin.

[J]

Let's go.

[F]

Listen, guys, I love my girlfriend, I'm going to marry my girlfriend, but she is a fucking retard. I'm serious. Like, I'm going to write a book and call it I'm in Love with a Retard. Basically, she goes around complaining, always fighting, arguing with me. This is chapter one. Basically, I'm telling you that what happened was she was shaving her pubes, right? Long story. Less long. She got ingrown hair. And then she's telling me it was herpes. And I was like, what the fuck? And then she's like, when was the last time you ever got tested? And I was like, baby, I've been tested before. I never had herpes. I had chlamydia. Those are two different things. And I remember when the doctor called me and told me I was crying. Like, I was. I was happy. Those were tears of joy. I wasn't sad. I was just happy that I didn't have herpes. That's my time. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Wow. All right, Sam. Tripoli was the only laugh in the room there at the end.

[B]

Giving it up.

[A]

Giving it up for another.

[B]

Another dark, hairy animal. Just like you, Sam. Just like your brother. Hi, K. How are you? What ethnicity are you exactly?

[F]

I identify as Italian.

[A]

I bet you do. Wouldn't that be nice? But what are you, joby?

[B]

You're what?

[F]

Sick.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Sick dude.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And do your parents know you do stand up?

[F]

Yeah. I remember when I told my dad, he was like, you're not gonna be Russell Peters.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

And he was like, be like a truck driver or something. Right.

[B]

So how long you been doing it?

[F]

To be honest, I've been doing it for a while, but I've only gone on, like, maybe 10, 15 shows. Like, open mics and stuff. I treated this like an open mic. That was the first time I ever performed that set. Probably the last time, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[F]

I thought it would crush. I'm not gonna lie. I was so excited.

[B]

What.

[D]

What. What was the punch on you thought was gonna get the big boom girlfriend's a retard?

[N]

I. I didn't.

[F]

I thought that was the setup, but I was actually the. The part where I was, like, getting herpes and then getting chlamydia, I thought that was funny. And that's all made up, too. I don't really have herpes.

[A]

Wow. Yeah.

[D]

Is your girlfriend cool with you bombing and telling everybody she has herpes? Is that cool?

[F]

Yeah, she's happy. I just came here for fun. It's all fun at the end of the day.

[B]

You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. Kj, what do you do for a living?

[F]

I'm a baggage handler.

[B]

A baggage handler. Wow.

[A]

They let you put bags on airplanes? Jesus Christ. My God.

[B]

So you really do specialize in bombing and all jobs.

[A]

This is incredible. That is not right. That is not right.

[B]

Wow. A brown baggage handling, that's like. That's like having a black guy watch your wallet for you.

[A]

Am I right for a living, a black guy, or having an Asian guy watch over your soft boiled? Okay.

[B]

Wow, look at that serious look on case.

[F]

Pandered to everybody and said, I thought that would have been funnier.

[B]

How would you have done that? What would you have done?

[F]

Just did some typical Indian jokes. I smell like curry, all that kind of shit.

[B]

Do you have jokes like that? Can you do one for us?

[F]

Not off the top of my head, no.

[A]

Okay.

[N]

I don't like.

[F]

I don't like to pander to white people.

[B]

Normally.

[A]

You do have a lot of material

[B]

on the top of your head. Your people normally.

[A]

Come on, babe.

[B]

Come on, baby.

[A]

We're doing it tonight.

[B]

Kj, what does your mom do for a living?

[F]

She does like customer service. How? Like a sense call center.

[D]

Does she work at a call center?

[F]

Not like a call center, like, more like front desk people. But she does take calls, obviously.

[B]

And the dad. What exactly does the dad do?

[F]

My dad works at, like, a lumber, like, mill.

[P]

Lumber mill.

[B]

Oh, lumber, mill.

[C]

Mill.

[B]

All right. That's different. I wouldn't have expected that. All right, kj, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend that's real?

[F]

Yeah, she's real.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

She doesn't have herpes.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And how long you been with her?

[F]

Since January, February.

[B]

Okay. All right. Where'd you guys meet Agrabah?

[E]

Was that Princess Jasmine joke? I'm sorry,

[A]

Is she. Is she brown as well? Yeah, she's Indian.

[B]

Yeah, same thing.

[H]

All.

[B]

All the way.

[F]

All the way? Yeah, that's how they do it.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Are you find yourself only attracted to those type of people?

[F]

No, I. Anybody is fine. I'm not racist or anything like that.

[B]

Okay, perfect. Yeah. But do you have a preference?

[A]

Like, we just had Danny Yang up here.

[B]

He's from Taiwan and exclusively has only been with white women before. Do you find yourself having a preference of any kind?

[F]

Not really. It doesn't matter. I think all women doesn't matter. Like, doesn't matter to me.

[B]

Yeah. You have herpes, by the way. What do you do for fun, kj? You have any hobbies or anything like that?

[F]

You snowboarding? Like to ride bikes? Like to chill, Play video games? Look like that?

[B]

Wow. Snowboard. I didn't. That's another. I just wouldn't have guessed that your people really do that picture. Maybe sandboarding or something like that.

[A]

Or even waterboarding. I think your people are very good at.

[B]

But snowboarding is incredible. It's absolutely amazing.

[A]

Kj. Fun times, man.

[B]

Come sign up again sometime next week. A little one. There you go, kj, everybody.

[P]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Keep it moving along here. Your next comedian name is familiar. We're going to see her again. It's Sarah Klein, everybody. Time for Sarah Klein. It's Klein time.

[L]

Recently took home a dude who's an optometrist. Brought him into the bedroom. He started doing this thing where he was like, okay, here's one finger, and now here's two. Do we like the one or we like the two a little bit better? Back to the one. Let's throw it over to a three. That one is for astigmatism. Turns out I do have astigmatism. That is not the only form of tism that I have. Yeah, my ancestors came down the tism trail. It's a history joke. I have what used to be called Asperger's they don't call it that anymore because it turns out the dude that it's named after is a Nazi. But also that's been coming back on vogue. I don't know. But the rebranding is. It's now called Level one Autism, which for me, as a gamer is mildly infuriating. Cause I'm like, what do I gotta do to get to the next level?

[A]

Wow. Sarah Klein. Amazing set.

[L]

Thank you.

[A]

Fantastic.

[B]

How long you been on stand up?

[L]

How much? Six years.

[B]

Six years. Where at, Sarah?

[L]

Mostly Dallas. I started in Austin, but that was in, like, 2019.

[B]

And then you moved to Dallas?

[L]

Yeah, and then Seattle and then back to Dallas.

[B]

Wow. What made you move to Dallas?

[L]

The pandemic and my place of living closing down. I moved back with my parents.

[B]

Ah, the parents are in Dallas. That makes sense. What in the world would make you move to Seattle?

[L]

Grad school.

[B]

Okay, yeah, that makes sense. What did you get a degree in?

[L]

I got a Master of Fine Arts in creative writing.

[B]

Damn. Look at you. Unbelievable. Sarah, what do you do for a living?

[L]

Uh, oh, I do cat sitting.

[A]

Oh, my God. I think you hit level two. That is amazing.

[B]

You're a professional cat sitter, One of the few animals that famously can be left alone.

[A]

And yet that is your specialty.

[B]

1. I mean, that is just an incredible job. How did you start becoming a professional cat sitter?

[L]

I. You go to grad school, and then you don't get paid over the summer, so you find odd jobs.

[A]

Here's a cool cat right here.

[B]

It's D madness, everybody. Look at that.

[A]

He's a cat that does a lot of sitting.

[B]

And yet we are here with a true cat sitter. Has cat sitting ever gone wrong for you? Anything crazy ever happen?

[L]

I mean, I've had cats that, like, want to kill me. Yeah, yeah. Okay, occasionally, like, a couple.

[B]

What have they done to try to kill you? Take us through it.

[L]

I mean, like, they, like, stalk me whenever I'm in, like, the premises, and then they're, like, hissing and they're, like, following me and trying to, like, attack me. And I have to, like, grab, like, a vacuum or something and be like, these kittens.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Maybe they're just playing with you. Our senior cat correspondent, Brian Redband, owns many cats.

[B]

It's part of his identity. He loves his cats very much. He tells everybody that he should have cats. He's always covered in cat hair. Are they cats? Kittens?

[Q]

Huh?

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

What do you do for fun, Sarah?

[B]

Take us through some of your hobbies and whatnot. Let's fucking. Really figure out how autistic you are.

[L]

Well, I'm a pole dancer.

[B]

Really? Oh my goodness.

[L]

For fun, not for money.

[B]

I love that.

[L]

I like to go birding.

[B]

Okay, tell us what birding is exactly.

[L]

It's bird watching. It's just like a little more active. Cause you actually try to identify the species. You keep like a list.

[B]

Do you ever find yourself, like trying to paw at the birds because you've spent so much time with cats?

[L]

No.

[B]

No. All right.

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Do you do anything not autistic?

[A]

I mean, pole dancing is pretty. Not autistic.

[B]

I mean, that's.

[E]

By yourself is still autistic.

[A]

And when you count exactly how many times you went around. Around the pole. 75.

[B]

Odd number.

[A]

We're done.

[E]

Nobody touched those ones on the floor. I already counted them.

[B]

Pole dancing, birding. What do we got in the three spots? Sarah Klein.

[L]

I'm a poet.

[B]

Ooh la la.

[L]

That's what I went to grad school for.

[B]

Wow. All right. What do you specialize in? Haikus or.

[A]

That's the only kind I know.

[L]

So just like contemporary free verse, confessional.

[B]

Okay, so you're like Lil Wayne or something like that.

[A]

Lil Wheezy?

[Q]

Sure.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. All right. What's your love life like, Sarah? Have you ever.

[L]

Have I. Yes.

[A]

I didn't.

[L]

Yes.

[E]

Is there any chance you're a gay Chinese guy?

[A]

Oh my God.

[E]

I don't know why this keeps happening. Tony.

[A]

I'm back.

[B]

What's your love life like? Like Sarah Klein. You seem to have cool swagger to you. I like your style. That. That little skeleton hand's cool.

[L]

Okay, I. I mean, I was in a long term relationship like a year ago.

[B]

Did it last like about 12 years? Oh, okay.

[L]

It was like two and a half.

[B]

Oh, that's not that long. Yeah, tell us about it. Was he autistic too?

[L]

No, I don't believe so. We met in grad school. He was also a poet.

[B]

Wow, look at that. Just two poets. Cat sitting together.

[E]

Was it. Was it clear which one of you was a more gifted poet?

[L]

Yeah. Me.

[A]

Wow, look at that.

[D]

Who paid the rent? Who paid rent?

[L]

You shared it.

[B]

I love it. I love it. Do you make good money cat sitting? What are we talking about here?

[L]

No, I don't know. I mean,

[B]

how do you survive, Sarah?

[L]

My. My parents right now.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And how much are you in debt in college?

[L]

None.

[B]

None? It was all paid for.

[L]

You got fully funded? Yeah.

[B]

Amazing. Look at that. Okay, so what are your plans for the future, Sarah? What are some short term goals? That you have.

[L]

I want to date a woman.

[K]

Oh.

[B]

Have you ever tried dating a woman?

[L]

Tried? Yes. Not six. I don't. I haven't been on a date with a woman.

[B]

Okay, so when you say try, what did you do?

[E]

I. Babysitter.

[A]

Cat. For free. Yeah.

[L]

I mean, like, I've talked to women online on, like, dating apps. It's just never.

[B]

Okay.

[L]

Gotten to the action.

[B]

Have you ever kissed a woman?

[L]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. Have you kissed a woman in Texas?

[L]

Yes.

[B]

Have you kissed a woman in Austin, Texas?

[L]

No.

[A]

Whoa. Oh, my God. Do you want to.

[B]

Is there a beautiful woman out there that wants to come up and give Sarah Klein a kiss, everybody?

[A]

Wow. There's a beautiful brunette girl right there. Come on up, you slut. Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Incredible. Wow. She's actually quite beautiful. What a special fan base we have. Give yourselves a hand. This is a little segment on the show called Kiss Me. We've been doing it 13 years. When the time is right. Oh, my God. Wow. Oh. We are the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Talk Space, that's Sarah, already moving in with each other. Are you damp right now, Red band? You can't say that to people.

[B]

This is a professional show. We have sponsors. That's out of control. Are you all right? How do you feel right now, Sarah?

[L]

Good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was a pretty, pretty girl.

[L]

I can't complain.

[A]

Yeah. What a lot.

[D]

Did you feel something? Was there a little fire?

[L]

A little bit, yeah.

[D]

A little scissors?

[L]

I felt something. Yeah.

[B]

Amazing. Amazing. How about one more time for the. For the lady that did that?

[A]

The hero.

[B]

She's gone.

[A]

Oh. She's signing a waiver.

[B]

I love it. We have to make sure we don't get sued by you know what I'm saying? I love it. Sarah, anything else? Crazy about your life?

[D]

She felt you getting clingy, dude.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. These lesbians are wild, dude.

[E]

Now's your chance.

[K]

Propose.

[L]

Yes. I actually. I talked about it the last time I was on I have two vaginas.

[A]

Oh, my God. Do you like Asian girls? Okay, hold on a second.

[L]

Sure.

[A]

Yes. Then there could be three vaginas. You can't please. At once, Red Dad. Be amazing. Amazing. Wait a second. Why would you say that about me? Oh, I immediately came and fell asleep.

[N]

Oh,

[A]

okay. Tell us more about these two vaginas. Somehow I don't remember that. I don't remember talking about this. I'm kidding, Tony. Yeah, exactly. Sounds like double trouble to me. Ew. Double disgust.

[E]

You were saying you have zero penis

[A]

or something like that. Somehow slipped My mind. Oh, yes.

[B]

Tell us about your two vaginas.

[L]

Yeah, yeah. There's like. There's a septum dividing into, like, two canals. I have two cervices. When I get a pap smear, they have to label it left and right.

[B]

Oh, my God. So it literally looks like. Wow.

[L]

I mean, from the outside it looks normal. Like it's just one set of labia. It's like when you actually go inside.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

It's like a trap door.

[E]

No, it's like two smaller vaginas on each other's shoulders under one trench coat.

[A]

Tim Butterly.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[L]

Not evenly divided, though. One is actually like infant size. They had to use like a pediatric spec.

[A]

Red band just came in his pants, everybody. Wow. An infant sized vagina. He's literally googling you right now. This is incredible in real time.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

Do you have a regular hole and a pretty premium.

[A]

Incredible. Sorry, I don't mean to.

[E]

I hate to hate you guys with all this jargon.

[A]

This is amazing.

[B]

Double vaginas is absolutely incredible. So do you ever do anything with the infant size one? Do you ever put like a zen pouch in there or anything?

[L]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[M]

Okay.

[B]

What have you done with it? Have you ever like, the. The tip of a pinky, anything?

[L]

Yeah, I'm sure there's been like a finger or two in there at times.

[A]

Pick you up like a six pack, right? Sure. Jesus Christ.

[E]

Did you consider saving one of them for marriage?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

No. My goodness. Your lesbian friend seems very excited to

[A]

perhaps have the old entree and side dish. This is like when you get to

[B]

pick two at a p. F. Chang's. Two entrees. I will have the sweet and sour chicken and the steak with broccoli.

[A]

Do they share the period? Like, is there like a like or do?

[B]

Yeah, it's a double period or an exclamation point. What's it like?

[L]

Yeah.

[D]

Is it a tsunami?

[A]

You say tsunami three times. Danny Yang comes out of nowhere. Be careful. Oh, my God. I'm back. Double vaginas. A white girl from Texas with two vaginas. I have two slits too. They're called my eyes.

[J]

Oh, yes.

[B]

What did I ask you? What was the last question?

[L]

I mean, I guess it might be like, heavier than a normal. My uterus is also, like an anomaly. It's shaped weird. It's kind of like double horned. Ish.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

This is amazing. Yeah. Redband somehow came in his pants on infant vagina. And I can clearly see he's hard yet again immediately.

[O]

And.

[A]

And you're not calling your butthole vagina like most girls, right? No, no.

[B]

That.

[A]

That's the old red band. You are really something else. You are really something else. Red band.

[E]

And have we covered. Have you ever considered using both at the same time?

[L]

I mean, if it's a hand. Yes.

[A]

No. I mean. You know what I mean.

[E]

Actually, don't.

[L]

They have to use a pediatric speculum to look in there? So it's real small.

[B]

Wow. Pediatric speculative is actually so fired up

[E]

right now, it's crazy.

[A]

I didn't know.

[B]

I've never heard anybody say my WI fi password out loud.

[A]

But pediatric speculum is my WI fi password. Stay away from my house. Do not log on to my WI fi. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't leak information. Information like this, but.

[B]

Pediatric speculum.

[A]

Pediatric speculum. 420. Red band keeps having me say 420 because pediatric speculum is too easy to guess. So I had to throw a few numbers there at the end.

[E]

You could actually go in the merch store right now and buy a Kill Tony pediatric speculum. As this episode airs.

[A]

Heidi the new flight swatter. We do have a brand new Kil Tony fly swatter that is for sale. You may remember a last couple episodes

[B]

ago, there was a lot of flies. So our merch guy.

[A]

Actually. How about a hand for Brandon?

[B]

He's actually here tonight.

[A]

Our merch guy, along with the great

[B]

McVader decided to make fly swatters. We might have to do a Kill Tony pediatric speculum. Wow. Is there any other times I just find this to be such a compelling interview. Are there other times where the double vagina, the old DV has. Has. Has affected your life in any way? Let me ask you this. This might be. This is getting crazy. This is like old school Stern interview.

[L]

Oh, no.

[B]

But have you noticed when a guy's gone down on you, Right. Have you noticed that he slips into. Is there a way to slip into both with a tongue?

[L]

Probably not. It's.

[A]

It's like in there.

[L]

Yeah. That you have to go in a little bit to get to.

[A]

Is it like. Is it down?

[B]

Is there like a map that you can draw? Exactly.

[D]

It's like a choose your own adventure, Right? That's how it goes.

[L]

Kind of. Yeah.

[A]

Is it by the cauliflower? Like. Is it next to it? Like on the red. What?

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

Red band. Your being bad tonight right now.

[B]

It's not good stobber. Is it by the cauliflower?

[N]

No, I'm kidding.

[L]

We're familiar with.

[A]

We don't have. I know. He doesn't know what ca. He doesn't.

[D]

He's never seen real cauliflower.

[E]

But seriously, have you ever considered calling it a bonus level?

[L]

No, I haven't.

[E]

That's a free one.

[N]

Take it.

[A]

Unbelievable. Sarah, we love you. I'd love to have you on the secret show. Very bad red band.

[E]

She's getting two sets.

[A]

Oh, my God. Absolutely. D. Madness is in heaven right now. He's got two hands up in the air because a double vagina is the least gay thing ever. So he is so happy right now. Wow.

[B]

And you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you one big joke

[A]

bug and one smaller joke bug, and I'm going to hide the smaller jug bug. You're gonna have to find it. It's gonna be quite the adventure for you. The great Sarah Klein, everybody. Amazing. Wow. Wow. 17 minute long interview. What's the lesson here? People have two vaginas. Oh, look at this one. Vagina bitch. Oh, my God. That is a woman that never needs a pediatric speculum. Can you imagine, though, if she had two vaginas? Dude, If Heidi had two vaginas, we'd retire. Just kidding. I'm gay. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Joe Filey, everybody. Joe Filey.

[I]

Yeah, Mothership. Damn. I've been working with my grandpa. We're trying to make him less racist. So now whenever he says some fucked up racist stuff, he goes, no homo afterwards,

[A]

bro.

[I]

It's kind of like a flashbang. The black guy don't even remember the N word he just said. He's like, you call me gay? No. Yeah. No. Grandpa's fucking even. Like Ultima will go by with no bumper. He's like, black lady, no cap. I love that you know these terms, dude. Like, I remember in high school, I was dating this Puerto Rican chick and he compared her to a pit bull. He's like, you feel safe in your house and you look cool in public, but at some point he's gonna try to bite your sister in law. Damn. I was really hoping for a meow so the pit bull could bite it right there.

[A]

All right.

[I]

No. Yeah. I don't know. Gramps is cool. Like I said, it's like a flashbang. When he goes, no homo, the black guy thinks he's calling them gay and he's like, listen, I have no problem with. It's just. All right, that's my time.

[A]

Thank you, Joe Filey. What a great set. Best set that you've ever had on the show, I do believe for sure. Hell yeah.

[B]

That's fantastic. There's nothing I love more than when people seem to be getting better and you seem to be getting better. How long you been on stand up now?

[I]

Three and a half, four years probably

[B]

three and a half years. And how long have you been hiding underneath everybody's beds?

[A]

Where do you do it? Are you live in Austin, Texas?

[I]

Yeah, until the night. I'm moving to New York tomorrow.

[B]

You're moving to New York?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh my God. Wow.

[I]

Yeah, I got my job back at Amazon, which I lost on my first kill. Tony.

[A]

You lost because of talking about it on the show?

[I]

Not. They had more problem with the retard and the cocaine. They didn't care that I mentioned I worked at Amazon.

[K]

Right.

[I]

It was the follow up questions that.

[A]

Maybe you shouldn't talk about it right now though, huh? Yeah. Are they gonna be cool with.

[D]

Are they gonna be cool with that?

[I]

Actually, they didn't have a problem with. They had a problem when I kept calling the two gay black guys trying to be proactive. I'm gonna lose this job.

[A]

Wow, amazing. So, Joe, what else is going on? Are you excited about New York?

[B]

Have you been there?

[I]

Yeah, that's where I started. Comedy was up in New York and then like I ran JFC Entertainment out here. Just running shows in Austin for two years. Jfc, that's jokes for comics. I don't know, I always do like really raunchy jokes. I always like.

[B]

I thought that was John Dees's meal plan. JFC just fried chicken. That's what.

[I]

But now y' all know.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Red Band Austin was super nice to me. Like I ran a whole bunch of shows here, paid my bills, and now I just Broadway comedy and a couple clubs up there. Nice enough. Let me come run some shows up there. So I'll go try New York.

[B]

I love it. Joe, what are you doing for Halloween exactly? Because it looks like you celebrate.

[I]

I'm probably gonna be in Times Square barking for my show. Cause I only sold like 12 tickets so far.

[B]

All right, okay, 12 tickets. Okay. Test out the bark. Let's see. What are you gonna be yelling out there? All right, very good, very good.

[I]

It works with this face. It's like a makeover.

[B]

Okay, all right, I love it. What's your love life like, Joe?

[D]

Yeah, what is it like?

[I]

Last time we talked about this, I had a whole bunch of single moms from the dollhouse coming after me. So I'd rather not mess with a single mom owned business. Business.

[B]

What's the Dollhouse?

[I]

All right, well, they changed their name. They went full Chinese buffet. They have, like, the same food but a different name.

[B]

Now, is this the guy that came inside the girl?

[A]

Oh, okay.

[I]

No, no, that was like a yay tall, like, Guatemalan.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[B]

You specialize in race recognition.

[D]

Someone let you nut in them? Someone let you nut in them for

[I]

like, 200 extra on the 75 manager special.

[A]

Wait, that really happened?

[I]

I can't. They actually, like, they tried to take me to court Dollhouse like, tried to have me, like, I legit cannot talk about this.

[B]

Wait, hold on.

[A]

Because of what you said on Kill Tony?

[I]

Yes. They got 20,000 follows that night. And every single mother from the Dollhouse was telling me how I was ruining a single mother owned business. And then the little fat bitch. Oh, my God, we're already here. But yeah, the little fat bitch who runs the place was like, did Heidi put you up to it? I'm like, if Heidi DMS me, you're not gonna see me signing up for Kill Tony anymore. Like, I made it. All right. That.

[B]

Wow. This is absolutely incredible. You are one of the most self destructive humans we've ever had on this show.

[A]

You just lost your job, got a new lawsuit, and didn't sell a ticket to your New York show at the same time.

[I]

Bro, listen, sales in two weeks. You're gonna be all right up there. All right? If I sell 20 tickets at Broadway, he's got me a free slice of pizza. That's.

[B]

Wow, look at that.

[I]

And seven minutes.

[B]

Look at that. Unbelievable. Tim Butterly, what do you think about this guy? I see you're in awe right now,

[A]

staring right down the barrel of what

[B]

appears to be one of the villains from Superman 4.

[E]

A huge fan of your comedy. That was an incredible set. I've just been staring at your head for seven minutes. I mean, I'm not even sure which questions to ask. I guess I want to start with, are you aware of anything that might have happened either during childbirth or your early life?

[I]

I mean, my mom's not vaccinated, but she took Tylenol, so I'm meeting John Cena at some point.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

What else? What do you think? Do you have brothers and sisters?

[I]

Yeah, but they have a different mom and they look to be all right. Like, I think my mom was it. Definitely. It's definitely not from my dad's side. That's.

[A]

Do you think perhaps when you were born, you came out of your the wrong hole? Perhaps. Some. Some women. I don't Know if you know this, some women have a double vagina. You would need a pediatric speculum.

[I]

I know. I was a C section for sure. I was a baby.

[F]

No way.

[E]

I was like, D section, my friend.

[I]

I've had this head since birth. Like, I was born with this brow ridge. Like the kid. Photos look the same.

[P]

Same.

[A]

Yeah, it is amazing. You look inbred on the evolution of man.

[D]

You're about three in for joy.

[I]

I hate that. This is the second time I've been calling inbred in this room. Holman called me that, like six months ago when I was sitting right there.

[A]

He.

[B]

Yeah, that's what you look like. That is.

[I]

I don't pick what I look like. I just got to go with it.

[B]

You're damn right, buddy.

[I]

I'm like a Ford Pinto. All right. At some point, you're going to look cool with me around you.

[B]

I love it. I love it. I. I love it.

[Q]

But.

[A]

A real heartfelt moment about his monster head.

[B]

What's your dick like, Joe?

[I]

It's like a party size nyquil bottle.

[B]

Okay, Party size nyquil bottle.

[D]

Big or small?

[A]

I can't tell.

[I]

They don't make it, so you have to imagine it. It's only a family size. There's no Party size a NyQuil. That'd be crazy.

[A]

Wow, you are crushing Joe Filey.

[B]

You're killing it.

[A]

Amazing stuff. You already have a big joke bug. Wow. If you only had a few more. If you. Only if you're leaving tomorrow to fight James Bond or something like that, right?

[B]

That is true. Has anyone ever told you you look like every version of Jaws?

[I]

I'll take it. Yeah, I got some pretty up teeth, too. Is that what you're going for? I was about to say, listen, health insurance is not good with Amazon. If it. I'm already fired it. Yeah, their health insurance is.

[A]

We're already there.

[I]

Wait, you can get me a job at the dojo, right? I make a hell of a door guy. Like, I'll headbutt some people.

[D]

Mike's up there. Go talk to him.

[A]

The owner of the dojo just in Jersey.

[B]

What part of Jersey?

[D]

In Morris Plains. The dojo of comedy. Micromanelli.

[I]

I'll be living on Staten Island. That's like a ferry ride, a train ride, Whatever it is.

[D]

You're hired, bro.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. There you go. Dreams are coming true. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. One more time for Joe Filey, everybody. Hell, yeah. We're having a good old time tonight. Bucket pool number nine, everybody. How amazing we're really flying through it tonight. We're coming around the bend and we

[B]

ain't seen the sunshine since.

[D]

I just want to say you're crushing tonight, dog. You're so funny, dude.

[A]

Well, you guys are the best, Sam. Tripoli.com TimButterley.com Six podcasts between the two of them. Tin Foil Hat. Deep Dish, Dad Meat.

[D]

Deep Water.

[A]

Broken Simulation. Broken Simulations. Deep waters. All right, he's also in a group text with Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo. So do you guys would like. How many you think he should release the group chat? Tripoli, Rogan, Alex Jones, and Eddie Bravo, ladies and gentlemen. All right, mix the winter. Next bucket pool, it's Jay McGuire, everyone. Jay McGuire.

[N]

All right, here we go.

[M]

Yeah.

[N]

Shut up. Jesus Christ. This fucking douchebag. He's already go fucking talking shit. I can't, Sam. We're gonna talk ancient occult later. Yeah, for sure, for sure. Tony's looking at me. Yeah, yeah, I get it. Shut the fuck up.

[B]

Here we go.

[N]

All right. So, Tony, you look and sound like if. What is this? I drank way too much tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Tony looks and sounds like if Woody Allen fucked Woody Harrelson and shot out Woody from Toy Story. Yeah, I'll take that. Yeah, Sam likes it. There you go.

[D]

I'm uncomfortable.

[N]

Yeah, yeah, I'm uncomfortable, too. Fact, this cunt's got fucking seven thrones and I a golden Rolex on, so we'll go for that. Yeah. Don't look at me like that. You got a ponytail on a part. We're not doing this right now. All right? Jesus Christ. Yeah, so.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Q]

All right.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Great.

[N]

Shouldn't have drank this much.

[A]

Yeah, awesome. All right, I'm gonna stop you there. Che McGuire.

[B]

My goodness gracious. Did you prepare anything for.

[N]

I. I did. I. I got hammered and got a rib broken yesterday, so.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Okay. How did you break your rib yesterday?

[N]

Some con. Fucking punch me. That's what happens.

[B]

Okay, so, well, exactly what made the cunt punch you?

[N]

Well, he owed the other money, and he was a smaller, so I stepped in for, you know, the smaller cunt.

[B]

Okay.

[N]

Yeah. Red band. Smoke a cigarette. You need it.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

You're like a bad roaster.

[B]

Tim Butterly, first of all, excellent set.

[N]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

First time in a year and a half.

[N]

And I for sure.

[E]

Could you get the breathalyzer for really quick? Yeah, really quickly. Would you mind looking at that brick wall to. Over there really quickly? Just. This is gonna take a Second, look

[A]

at that brick wall over there.

[N]

I'm used to doing that with a blonde eye. Blue icon. Yeah.

[E]

To the right, Right?

[N]

Yeah, yeah, gotcha.

[E]

I have a specific question, and this would really help me. Okay, so look, now, is there. Yeah, just look at that wall. And is. Is this mark from a woman using a lit cigarette to defend herself? No, look, please look over there, because they. Dude, this is the only thing that might be funny about this.

[N]

Sam, can you get into this? Because he's bombing at this point, as

[A]

bad as I was. Oh, my God. You are the worst. Yeah. How much do you think you drank, Jay?

[N]

I drank way too much, Tony. If I knew Sam was here, we'd be talking about ancient tax and occult.

[A]

Wow, look at your fan base, Sam. Yeah, I remember 18 and a half years ago when I started and you took me to La Jolla to open for you, and you were the first

[B]

guy I ever saw do an hour. I thought to myself, I want to be like him when I grow up.

[A]

I want to be like.

[B]

Like Sam Tripoli.

[A]

And now I'm here to tell you, I am so glad I didn't end up. Okay, here we go. Let's do the Breathalyzer, ladies and gentlemen.

[N]

Good enough.

[A]

God, this guy looks like a coked up gremlin. Look at this piece of. What do we got?

[N]

I blew better than her fake tit, so let's keep it moving.

[A]

We got nothing there, Heidi. Hold on. Oh, what happened? Yeah, yeah.

[N]

Shut up.

[A]

That can't. That can't be right.

[E]

Okay, well, or it can be right, and he's not drunk and just sucks.

[B]

Keep blowing.

[A]

We have to teach Heidi how to use this thing before the next episode. What do we got?

[B]

Okay, well, let.

[A]

Let's just skip it.

[N]

0 mothership should afford a better breathalyzer, right?

[A]

Wow, you are. Are the worst of all time. You're just horrible. All right, go ahead. There he goes.

[N]

I love it.

[A]

All right. You get nothing, Jay McGuire. There you go. Put the mic in the mic stand.

[I]

Yeah.

[N]

Thanks, Tony.

[A]

All right, pal. Glad I got faced, but you're okay. All right. Thank you, Jay. There you go, buddy. All right. Fist bump from

[D]

my people.

[A]

God, that guy. Man, I just wish I could talk to Sam for a few hours.

[D]

Bro, that guy would kill somebody for

[A]

me, so I'm fine with that. It would. That would be. The only way he could kill is a human. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ram B, everybody.

[B]

Let's see what happens with Ram B.

[A]

Hell, yeah. One more time for Ram B. Everyone,

[O]

thank you. Thank you. It's getting a good. Yeah, it's getting a good look at all the people who. Going to try to. On my dreams tonight. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. So I was in a Walgreens recently getting some beer and some cigarettes to kind of fuel me on my dreams, you know? And it said, vaccinated. Get vaccinated, get rewarded. I was like, whoa, rewarded. I gotta go check this out, right? And I said, well, rewarded with what?

[A]

Aids?

[O]

I mean, like, yeah, let me get

[P]

two scoops of aids.

[O]

Let's see. Let me get some autism sprinkles on there. Baby girl, what you want? Okay. My daughter, she want two scoops of autism. Throw some measles on there. Yeah, Measles, syrup. Thank you. Yeah, that'd be great. I was thinking, what if DMX was your AI and couldn't answer your question? It'd be like, dog, that's my man's in them. But I can't answer your question, because that would make me a snitch. Thank you.

[A]

God damn.

[B]

Yo, what's up, Ram?

[O]

What up?

[B]

This is your second time on the show, am I right?

[O]

Third.

[B]

Third.

[O]

Yeah. I was on the Bags and Boxes one day, and then the.

[B]

Oh, the Bags and Boxes.

[O]

And then got a little. And then after that, so was I.

[A]

We're reunited.

[B]

Look at that.

[A]

With Shane.

[O]

Yeah.

[B]

You remember him?

[O]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. Welcome back. What did we learn about you in your interviews before Rambi?

[O]

Yeah. I lived in Wisconsin for a long time. Lived in Arizona for a long time. I think I talked about the ecstasy ring thing.

[B]

You have a fantastic voice.

[O]

Oh, thank you. Yeah, I sang one time on Here.

[B]

You did what you said?

[O]

Yeah. Original song. That was just. It was on the Bags and Boxes episode right after Bags and Boxes. I was right after Jay Legend and sang that. Yeah, I sucked. Or Jay sucked. That's cool.

[B]

You're good. Affect you.

[O]

Yo, I don't care. But, yeah, so that was a fun episode, though, I'll tell you that. That was hilarious. To me, at least.

[B]

Has anything happened since then, since those episodes came out, has killed Tony changed your life in any way?

[O]

I've had some cool people come up to me and, you know, when people congratulated me and stuff, there was a cat. I was walking down the street, actually, about a week ago, and the dude just stopped me.

[K]

He's like, hey.

[O]

And, you know, I'm. It's 6th street, so I'm a little like, hey. You know. You know. And he was like, I saw you on Kill Tony, man. Keep it going.

[I]

You.

[O]

You're funny as you know. So I felt good. That was cool, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Okay, so no, not really anything is affected though, other than vagrants yelling at

[B]

you on the street?

[A]

Pretty much. Much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was.

[B]

But yeah, you know, comedy is going good. What do you do for work?

[O]

Yeah, I'm actually don't have a job right now, but I was working at a. Rhymes with rectum, you know what I'm saying? So what? Call. Call. Call center. Call center. That rhymes A rectum.

[B]

Spectrum.

[O]

Ah, you said it. Pediatric sued or nothing.

[B]

So how long ago did you lose. Lose this job?

[O]

Well, I quit about three weeks ago.

[A]

What made you quit?

[O]

They wanted me to sell. This is gonna sound crazy, but they wanted me to show up.

[E]

Unless they said Candyman in the mirror three times,

[O]

You. You wouldn't do it. You wouldn't do it.

[A]

Candyman is what the clerk at 711 calls red band. Oh, it is. The Candyman is back again. Oh, look who's back in the Candyman. Brian Redburn. Oh, with the funny sound effects on Kill Tony and the inappropriate questions to the ladies. Where's your C Now the candy man can.

[O]

Too much.

[A]

The candy man can.

[O]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. What the fuck were we just talking about?

[A]

Oh, yeah, the job I got.

[O]

How I quit. Why? The reason I quit the job was because they wanted me me to sell to people who were calling for deceased people. And just the stress of the job, it was somebody want to do. And I'm like, yo, I'm not doing that.

[B]

Look at you, a man appreciate.

[O]

You know what I mean? I mean, I'm just being real.

[B]

So they wanted you to sell. Explain to me, what do you mean

[O]

by like, okay, so you know, you supposed if somebody calls, you know, you're supposed to, you know, try to retain them as a customer, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[O]

And so basically I was like, nah, you know, I'm not, you know. Or no, I'm not doing that because they're calling for somebody who's dead, you know, like, this isn't even a relative. I felt like, nah, I'm not getting into all that. You know, I'd be mad if somebody called me like, you know, my daddy died or something. You know, I'll be pretty pissed if they were like, you were still on Spectrum. I'd be like, hey, you, buddy. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

[B]

So they wanted to have deceased people

[A]

continue to pay for pretty much. Wow.

[D]

Democratic voters.

[A]

Exactly what I was just gonna say. That is incredible. I mean, I didn't realize.

[B]

No, it's great. I didn't realize. Yeah, I didn't realize Nancy Pelosi was running Spectrum. That's incredible. Every vote they can get.

[O]

You know, I actually, like, sometimes on the phone, man, I actually wanted to be like that. Was that dmx? I actually wanted to get like that on the phone like you. I don't care if you keep Spectrum because the customers, you know. You know what I mean? It was really that bad to where I wanted to cuss the customers out. You know what I mean?

[B]

You have that little recording thing on your thing. You can get a moment if I had him say something. You don't have it. Okay.

[O]

I mean, it's. You could take the audio. What do you want me to say?

[B]

Just say, sup? This is Kill Tony.

[O]

What's up?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to try to do anything or anything.

[B]

I. I like your style. The exact way that you talk. Just do it normal.

[O]

Say it. Say the exact words again. Actually, because I've done voices, I'm trying to make sure.

[B]

Go. Ladies and gentlemen, and this is Kill Tony.

[A]

Yo.

[O]

Ladies and gentlemen, and this is Kill Tony.

[A]

Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Your set was terrible, but your voice is so amazing. I'm giving you a big joke book. Ramby, ladies and gentlemen.

[O]

It's my second one. I appreciate you, bro.

[A]

You got it. You can sell one when you run out of money next week. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along real quick here. Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Friedman, Your final bucket pull of the night. One more time. Alex Friedman, everybody. Clap your hands for Alex.

[Q]

Man, I gotta tell you, I've been trying to get myself out more often, and I met a girl who told me, oh, my God, it's so nice to finally meet a sweet Filipino guy. There's only one problem. I'm Filipino. But I didn't tell her that. I was like, yeah, I love bamboo. Are you kidding me?

[A]

It's my favorite fruit.

[Q]

And Manny Pacquiao, he's my cousin father, so I suck at dating, especially because I have social anxiety. So I go to orgies. Yeah. You know, people often ask me, aren't you afraid of getting drugged? I'm like, what? Are you kidding me? That's what I'm there for. I'm holding out my cup like I'm asking for loose change. Please, I need to be drugged if I'm gonna be here. And if you're trying to fuck me. So do you. Ah, it's true though. You know, I've been to a lot of orgies in the past, and the weirdest one I've ever been to, the place was empty. Not even Diddy was there. But all the way in the back, there were these two old people just going at it. It was like seeing Betty White getting pile dragged by Joe Biden. You're welcome for that image, by the way. But then this other guy, he walks in, he's like, oh, God, why does it smell like broken dreams and disappointment? It basically smells like the Democratic National Convention. The old guy, he was like, all

[A]

right, all right, Alex. That's good enough.

[B]

Good stuff.

[A]

How are you, Alex?

[Q]

Hey, I'm good.

[B]

Is this your first time on the show?

[Q]

This is my first time on the show.

[B]

You're adorable. Look at you. How old are you?

[Q]

I'm 33.

[B]

33.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Look at you. What do you do for work, Alex?

[Q]

Well, I'm a software engineer. And I gotta tell you, I've seen some weird shit on people's computers. They got incest, bestiality, open mic schedules. Truly terrifying stuff.

[A]

Look at you. You're ready for this, Alex. How long you been doing stand up?

[Q]

About 10 months.

[B]

10 months? Unbelievable. Amazing. Tell us more about you, Alex. Look at your big goofy eyes, Alex.

[E]

Looks like if the police. Police hired a sketch artist that used to work for Pixar.

[Q]

You know what? I take it as a compliment.

[A]

Tell us about your life, Alex Friedman.

[Q]

All right.

[A]

Okay, so, all right, here we go.

[Q]

I was adopted from Peru. My mom is from Queens, My dad is from Cuba. And, well, I was raised in New York City.

[B]

Okay.

[Q]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. How long have you been here for?

[Q]

I've been in Austin for about less than a day now. I just flew in today.

[B]

Wow.

[Q]

Yeah, from a wedding in Chicago. But I came here, I left early because you guys are my family.

[B]

Wow, look at you.

[Q]

Oh, my.

[E]

Well, we kind of just met. Let's kind of feel this out first.

[B]

This is incredible.

[A]

He has the Verizon eyebrows I was talking about earlier. Look at.

[N]

Look at that.

[B]

Those things.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Alex, what made you start 10 months ago at 33 years old?

[E]

Well, Mama Coco passed away.

[Q]

Hey, don't you talk about Coco. No, but. So I was. I was working remote as a game developer for like, the longest time, and you don't get to meet anybody.

[D]

Speaking of games, you look like Super Mario.

[B]

It's true.

[Q]

Hey, tell me about it. You know, the worst part is every time I come, it sounds like, okay,

[B]

my God, you have the Delivery of someone that's so much funnier than you.

[A]

You have this crisp, confident delivery like the, the, the.

[B]

The. The substance isn't quite there, but your energy is amazing. I love it.

[Q]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[A]

Yeah. Jump for jump for us a couple times.

[B]

Jump up.

[A]

Wow. Red. Red Band's comedic timing is incredible.

[B]

Do the small jump jump again.

[A]

You have to wait till he does it. You have the benefit of looking at him.

[Q]

Hey, you're giving me a workout over there.

[B]

You go.

[E]

Heidi, bring out the turtle.

[B]

I love it. Switch, switch, switch. Switch hands with the microphone. Alex, what's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that'll fuck absolutely anything.

[Q]

Oh, man. Love life. I haven't found love yet. Yeah, I've dated around quite a while.

[B]

Yeah.

[Q]

And hasn't worked out. So I'm taking a break.

[B]

You're a sweet guy.

[A]

Have you ever.

[B]

Have you ever kissed a girl in Austin, Texas?

[Q]

No, not yet.

[B]

You would.

[A]

One, two. Is there a girl out there that'll give Alex Friedman a kiss? Anybody? Oh, there's one. Look at this. Come on up, sweetheart.

[I]

Okay.

[A]

Look at this. She thought about it and everything. Oh my God. Some hot chicks coming up here tonight. This is incredible. Can we tap out?

[Q]

You're really putting me on the spot here.

[A]

Why? What's wrong? Wrong? You're gay.

[Q]

No. Absolutely no.

[A]

What do you mean I'm putting you on the spot? You're not excited right now?

[Q]

No, no, no, no. Dude, I've just never done this before.

[A]

It's really easy.

[D]

You just slow and then you just shoot your tongue right in real quick before she get.

[A]

Wow. Your fly is. Ladies and gentlemen, how about a hand for this beautiful lady? Two in one night. This is. Is the boy's first Texas kiss. The adorable big eyed Alex Friedman.

[B]

And what's your name, sweetheart?

[M]

Thailand.

[J]

What is it?

[K]

Thailand.

[B]

Thailand.

[A]

She might have a dick. Dude, call me Ty. Wow.

[B]

Ladies.

[Q]

Nice to meet you.

[A]

Oh my God. He is so adorable. It's very nice to meet you. He said. And now give that. Will you give this sweet boy a real kiss. Show him how it's done in Texas. Wow. Unbelievable.

[B]

What a.

[A]

What an evening we've had here tonight.

[D]

He's got some Bollywood, bro.

[A]

Yeah, dude.

[D]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at you. And who knows? Maybe, maybe, maybe.

[Q]

What can I say?

[A]

Look at that. I mean, how do you feel right now?

[Q]

You know what? I feel good. I feel excited. This is awesome to be around here with all of you people, you beautiful people. This is a beautiful crowd and we got some really awesome.

[D]

Hosts, stand up straight.

[A]

Stand up straight. Stand up straight. You did it all tonight, Alex. Congratulations. Alex Friedman, ladies and gentlemen, a wild, adorable boy. Alex, here's a big joke book. Oh, Jesus. You didn't catch that, but you probably. Probably have HPV now after that kiss. Congratulations. How do you feel, Alex?

[E]

You good?

[G]

He's hard, dude. Come on.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Look at that dick, dude. Wow, Alex, you're the one of the

[E]

first comedians we've ever been jerked off in Austin yet.

[Q]

You know what?

[E]

You know what, Danny, get back out here.

[Q]

I bet you can't wait to slide down this flagpole. Hey, see me after the show. I got some special gold coins just for you.

[A]

Alex, nothing you say makes any sense,

[B]

but you say it with such conviction, it's incredible. You are amazing, Alex. Thank you.

[A]

Tell us one more before I let you go.

[B]

I just find you to be so compelling. Tell us one more fun fact about your life. Like you have any special hobbies or skills or talents or anything like that?

[Q]

Yeah, yeah, I've been playing guitar for the past 20 years.

[B]

Okay. What else other than playing guitar?

[Q]

All right, aside from playing guitar, I also, like, earned a black belt in Kenpo.

[B]

You have what?

[Q]

Black belt and Kenpo I've also been doing.

[A]

Can you show us.

[B]

Can you put the mic in the mic stand and the joke book in your pocket?

[A]

And the erection away? And. And can you show us a little bit? Can you give us a little air karate?

[B]

Let's do a little fucking.

[A]

Nice and easy, Michael.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

No, show us. No. Show us your fighting for real.

[B]

Put the choke book in your pocket. Jesus Christ.

[I]

Whoa.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

All right. Whoa.

[A]

That you're a black belt. Come on, seriously. Pretend like someone's trying to beat you up in front of you.

[B]

Show us some moves, dude.

[A]

Some katana.

[B]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Whoa. Okay.

[B]

All right. He's really.

[C]

Whoa.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Wow. Turns out I can beat the out of a black belt. It's incredible what an amazing night tonight is. All right, there he goes. Alex Friedman. All right, go. Get out of here. Here, you little cutie pie. Sweet little baked butter bean, you. What a night it's been, ladies and gentlemen. And I gotta tell you, there's only one way to end a show like this.

[B]

But

[A]

there's gonna have to be two ways to end a show like this. Because we got word today that the great William Montgomery is sick, everyone. So the big red machine, the American hero, is nowhere to be found. However, we went to Eastern Europe and we found an undeniable force that Without a doubt is perhaps one of the biggest stars ever in Kill Tony history. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matthew. What's up?

[H]

So I just found out that tranny is a slur. I didn't know that. I'm just shortening the word. I'm not trying to offend you. I'm trying to save time. Like, if there's an active shooter behind

[A]

you, I'm not gonna be like, oh, they, them?

[H]

No, I'm gonna be like, trying to

[A]

get down to the gun, tranny.

[H]

And I've been to Thailand. Have you ever been, sir? Man, they're good. They trick you. You can't tell no matter how close you get. I mean, you can tell, but you can tell when it's too late. You can tell them when you eat their pussy and it tastes like dick. But so what shit happened to me? So what?

[D]

Fuck you.

[A]

They got me.

[H]

They got me. It is what it is. I'm a straight man. I take it on the chin, I move on. Like, if you a tranny and you have to go through an existential fucking crisis, you gay.

[A]

If I go to bed with a

[H]

lady and I wake up, it's a dude. You know what I do? I give you a fist bump and I say, touche, gg.

[A]

You got me.

[D]

That's how straight I am. I can fuck a dude and feel nothing.

[H]

Dude, the mind is more powerful than the body. Thank you so much.

[A]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. What a fucking star. Holy shit, you've done it again. That's great. His work ethic, his writing, his execution. This guy works harder than everybody in the city. By the way, I'm out almost every

[B]

night of the week doing a few spots, and this motherfucker's doing 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Non stop new material.

[A]

Non stop.

[B]

I mean, you are just out of this world.

[H]

I didn't know how far to go with that joke. Like, should I just keep going?

[D]

Keep going?

[H]

Just like.

[A]

No, not now, but I mean it.

[H]

Not now, But I mean, like, I don't know. Yeah, I didn't know what the end of that joke is. I was just feeling it out like there was no end.

[A]

There's a random audience member is correct in your ass.

[B]

That's what you're feeling out there is no end. Unbelievable stuff. Absolutely incredible. The shortening of the word to get to is just so funny.

[A]

It's right there. Immediately when you said that, I'm like, wow.

[B]

Such a perfect, perfect execution of a Tranny joke. Amazing how. What is your writing process like? Like, what do you do? You sit down and try to think of it. You start with a thing and take it on stage.

[H]

It is hard. Like, it's not a sit down art, you know, because always the stuff that you write down, you think you're like George Carlin, you know? And then you try it on stage, it always bombs because you try to be too clever with it, you know? Sometimes you just gotta let it go. Just got a riff, dude. Yell tranny dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you been watching any of tonight's show? Did you?

[H]

Sadly not. What.

[I]

What has happened?

[B]

It's been a lot of. A lot of crazy shit.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, there's been a.

[A]

A lot.

[B]

We had an Australian with a bad attitude.

[H]

I don't like Australians.

[A]

It's.

[H]

It's an island that was never supposed to be found.

[B]

It's true.

[H]

It was an Atlantis that should have been on the undiscovered Dude. Horrible people, horrible accent.

[B]

It's absolutely true.

[H]

It was supposed to be a prison. You know, Australia by the British.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Art is literally easier to understand.

[A]

The.

[E]

The Australian guy I know.

[A]

Yeah.

[H]

Shut the fuck up.

[A]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[H]

Get off your fucking quad bike, you racist piece of shit. Yeah, they're always so, like, oh, everything's so fucking cool, dude.

[A]

Is it?

[B]

We had a couple.

[A]

Couple wild characters.

[B]

It was a lady that had two vaginas inside of her vagina.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

Have you ever heard of something quite this magical?

[H]

2 vagina. Is it like two holes too?

[A]

Like.

[B]

Well, that's what we were wondering. It turns out there's two holes inside of the main hole. Almost like. Almost like a backpack has.

[H]

So two dicks go in and one is like, I'll go this way.

[A]

Next to the cauliflower. Yeah, yeah. All right.

[H]

Like two uteruses too, that you can get, like double pregnant.

[E]

One uterus. One is black, one circum is one uterus.

[B]

That's actually a great question. I guess you can only get her pregnant once, but I. I'm guessing the likelihood of twins perhaps is increased. I'm just kidding. That doesn't make any sense.

[H]

That doesn't make any sense.

[A]

Maybe one tiny twin, an NBA player, and a Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito. Wow, that's a topical reference. Good job. Red band, referencing the 1989 movie Twins, Everyone. Wow. Red band. You know what? I'm gonna book you on the secret show this Thursday. You get to do a spot on the secret show. Amazing. And take this and shove it up your ass, Ari. What else is going on in life before we get you out of here?

[H]

Oh, yeah, we were delayed. Well, the flight was, you know. You know, everyone knows how I hate Southwest Airlines. It's. It's insane. It's insane what's happening out there. Flights are canceled all the time, so. Me and Martin Phillips.

[A]

Yes, he was on. He was on earlier, by the way, and he was telling us about some major gate changes that you guys went through.

[H]

Oh, I should have listened. Like, how did he tell that?

[A]

Let's just hear your version. And it's great because it'll bookend the episode we started with Martin. We're finishing with you.

[K]

Okay.

[H]

So, yeah, they changed the. Well, okay, first of all, we get to the main gate. It's one of these, I don't know, Vegas airport. You know, it's like that small center and then these fucking spider islands. So Martin's behind me. He's always behind me.

[D]

I wait up. I wait up, but he's behind me.

[H]

There's a train that takes you to different gates, right? So on the train, I see a TSA employee just before the doors close. I go to her, I go, oh, we need to go to B26 or whatever the. How far is. Is that? And she sees Martin behind me. The two of us.

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

Martin is. You know how much he sweats and he moves. He's a fucking machine.

[N]

Yeah.

[H]

So he's sweaty as fuck. And the lady looks at us both and goes, oh, you don't need to take the train. It's just a 15 minute walk. And then the doors close and I look at Martin like, fuck.

[A]

Yeah.

[H]

So then what we do is, you know. You know, Martin can always. At any airport, he can just call assistants, and then a black guy will help him.

[A]

It's always a black guy.

[H]

We have the wheelchair, but no black, right? And the flight, you know, boarding is starting soon. So Martin just looks at the wheelchair. He goes, I'll just hop on the wheelchair. You push me. I'm like, fuck, yeah. So we're going through the airport, and I've never pushed a wheelchair before. And the way chicks are looking at you when you got a guy in a wheelchair, dude, we had the wheelchair. Martin had the dog. Triple threat, dude.

[A]

Pussy nation.

[G]

Pussy nation.

[A]

Nation.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

Boom.

[H]

We get to the gate, and then my favorite part was when Martin gets to the gate and everyone's. You know, we have to go past everyone. And I'm like, get the fuck. So I push Martin up, and then to see all these other people I mean, of course it's Vegas, so there's fucking seven people with wheelchairs. We go past them, dude, they don't need. And then you see the people's hook when just Martin stands up and just

[D]

goes on the plane.

[H]

Priceless, dude.

[A]

A miracle.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Ari, you are a freak of nature. One of the best in the history of the show. You could do better than that. That's the Estonian assassin, ladies and gentlemen. Gentlemen, you're witnessing a shooting star. What a fucking episode. Sam Tripoli, everybody. The first guy to ever take me out on the road. Tim Butterly, one of the newest residents, Austin, Texas. They are two of the best comedians in the world. Sam tripoli.com timbutterley.com for tickets. If you ever see them anywhere near you, make sure you see them live. They are unbelievable. Sam Tripoli has a new special at Sam Tripoli comedy on YouTube. He's always dropping specials, always amazing stuff happening in their podcasts are incredible. Tinfoil hat, deep waters broken simulation simulations. And Tim Butterly has dad meat. And the Tim Butterly show. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in and it is. Is absolutely incredible. That is indeed Sam Tripoli and Tim Butterley. Let's see what the local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Oh, it's Elaine, everyone. The legendary Elaine Shadows. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? There's a few tickets still available for the New Year's Eve festivities. Cities kill Tony. Live from the Moody center, the biggest arena in Austin, Texas.

[B]

Little little, you know, six, seven, 8,000

[A]

seat upgrade from the legendary HEB center, and it's right here downtown. So if you want to plan a hell of a trip, that's the place to be on New Year's Eve, I would say, without a doubt. Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? Red Dick out there. The secret show every Thursday at the sunsetstripatx.com God bless this audience and God bless the United States of America. Good night, everybody.

[P]

Sa.

[L]

Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.