#753 - SAM TALLENT + JIM BREUER

Summary

Kill Tony #753 - Detailed Episode Summary Guests: Sam Tallent & Jim Breuer
Aired: January 27, 2026 | Live at Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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OVERVIEW

This episode of Kill Tony delivers a jam-packed night of comedy and unpredictability at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, featuring first-time panelist Jim Breuer (SNL alum, stand-up legend) alongside returning favorite Sam Tallent. True to form, host Tony Hinchcliffe and co-host Brian Redban orchestrate a raucous night where amateur and seasoned comics pull their names from the legendary bucket for a shot to perform a minute of stand-up, followed by fast, irreverent interviews and roasts. Thematically, the episode is marked by stories of personal challenge (parental loss, breakups, culture shock), wild tales (catfishing, threesomes, public accidents), and the guests’ signature riffing, making for an episode both hilarious and cathartic.

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OPENING & PANEL INTRO [03:46]

• Band Intro: Tony gives an over-the-top intro to the house band, naming each member.
• Hosts & Guest Welcome: Tony effusively welcomes Jim Breuer for his debut (“One of my favorite comedians since I was a kid!”) and salutes Sam Tallent as “one of our best guests in show history.”
  • Jim Breuer: “This is going to be fun.” [03:46]
  • Sam Tallent: “Very glad to be back. Happy New Year, Tony.” [03:57]
  • Tony plugs both guests’ tour dates.

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SHOW STRUCTURE PRIMER [04:54]

• Tony reminds Breuer (and the audience) of the format: Randomly drawn names get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up, followed by the kitten-bell to wrap up—otherwise, it’s “the angry West Hollywood bear.”
• Redban and the “gatekeeper”/yo-yo guy in the hat get roasted for their looks and foibles.

Best moment:

• Sam to the gatekeeper: “I bet you get so much pussy out of this.” [05:15]

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HIGHLIGHTED PERFORMERS & INTERVIEWS

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Golden Ticket Winner: Yachow Young [06:29]

• Set: Adopted by white guys, called a “commie,” culture shock coming to U.S.—“I flew 13 hours all the way across the world so I can get away from them [her family].”
• Interview: Studied music in Maryland/Florida (dropped out: “The rare Asian dropout”), new in Austin, jokes about obesity in America, and sings a traditional Chinese song a cappella.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • “They need people in Walmart, they need wheelchair just because they're overweight.” [09:41] (Yachow)
  • Tony (after her song): “Redban’s crying over here—his entire face is wet.” [13:29]
• Sam Tallent: “I think you should have stayed in school.” [13:54]

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Tina La Cochina (Bucket Pull #1) [14:37]

• Set: Dead dad jokes, awkward COVID-19 references, and jokes about being an educator.
• Panel Feedback: Supportive but tough—“You did her. She’s freaking out,” “Did your father really pass from COVID? I didn’t know you could die of a hoax.” [17:13]
• Roasts: Tony, Sam, and Jim riff on her nervousness and unsettled delivery.
  • “Your dad’s looking up at us right now.” [16:23] (Tony)
  • “Hard crowd in cosmetology schools—are they all strippers?” [19:29]
• Fun Fact: Can “say the 50 states in alphabetical order”—doesn’t perform it.
  • “There's nothing fun about me.” [21:21] (Tina)

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Fern (Bucket Pull #2) [22:43]

• Set: Edgy, deadpan jokes involving Crips and menstruation, “daddy dom” relationships, and self-deprecating jokes about cats.
• Memorable Moment:
  • “We all jerk off in front of our pets. Have you ever came on a cat? … Just a self-cleaning cum rag.” [24:05]
• Interview: Five years in comedy, “catfished” by women online, works as an iron worker, shares speech therapy stories.
• Great Panel Riff: Jim and Sam share childhood weight struggles, Sam gives relationship advice, Fern tells tales of internet catfishing & awkward dates.
  • “She’s celebrating her birthday with her friends—catfish had to watch me date her friend.” [33:47]

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Hank Garza [34:38]

• Set: Premature birth punchline, dog poop guilt, drugs-to-dad journey.
• Panel Praise: “Your best performance, I think, ever.” [36:41] (Tony)
• Discussion: Past drug addiction, losing weight, being a present father and husband; heartfelt, occasionally dark.
• Quote: “Before I was a dad, I was a drug addict … being a drug addict and being a dad, Zach's ain’t fucking life.” [35:24]

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Dave Litz [39:38]

• Set: Mother-in-law's pancreatic cancer and Japanese health system, “triabetes” joke, a series of groaners.
• Interview: Claims “almost 30 years” stand-up experience, now works at Austin’s P.Terry’s, wife is an Australian recording artist, overstayed Australian visa due to COVID.
• Memorable Roast:
  • Tony: “Hold on. Stop the piano. ... So you did open mics at the Funny Bone?” [45:07]
• [45:30] Classic Kill Tony moment: Tony incredulous about Litz's career, grilling about “biggest gig in 30 years.” Jim and Sam riff on his confusion.

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Trevor Lewis [48:43]

• Set: Smart, dry bit on race and Uber Eats in a ski town.
• Panel Blown Away:
  • “You must have been doing stand-up 500 years … Smart, topical, well executed, edgy, but not sad as fuck.” [49:50] (Tony)
  • “How long you been on stand up?” “One year.” [50:34]
• Interview: Was a ski bum in Vail, does DoorDash, failed QB behind Caleb Williams (NFL draftee)—the panel is shocked and delighted by his “clean,” precise style.
• Sam Tallent: “If I had a daughter, I'd want her to marry a gay virgin—so yeah, that would be optimal.” [54:39]

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Dedrick Flynn (Regular Set) [59:04]

• Set: High-energy rants about fear of flying, private jet horror stories with Tony, turbulent flights, race and religion.
• Classic Lines:
  • “We’re not supposed to be up there ... If God wanted us in the air, he would’ve made us angels.” [59:18]
  • “Fuck little planes, all right? ... I'm not supposed to see the captain the whole time.” [60:36]
• Jim Brewer: “I was on the ride with you, bro.” [62:25]
• Panel: Riff on flying, near-death experiences, being recognized from Netflix.

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Mike Holder [67:30]

• Set: Deadpan jokes about American idioms ("spilling the beans"), culture shock, and misgendering people by calling everyone “my n***a.”
• Interview: Four years in US (Arizona/Texas), from Sudan, trades stocks, talks about the diversity visa lottery to escape war, culture shock around dating (“She asked me if BC means before COVID”), Sudanese generosity & gossip, dating white women.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • Tony: “Thank you, Tim. You're welcome, Mr. President.” [72:13] (on getting green card during Trump’s travel ban)
  • On bulimia: “No, we don’t have bulimia in Sudan.” [73:24]

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Derek Dimple [82:17]

• Set: Self-deprecating autism and spectrum jokes, odd persona, physical humor.
• Interview: Wild Vegas story—three consecutive days of sex, including with two Black women and a threesome (“White chick was riding my face and the Black chick was sucking my dick.” [95:24]).
  Tony: “This should give every single human hope.”
• Panel: Sam and Jim are disbelieving and amazed.

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Sheik Ahmed / Sherry (Character/Drag Set) [96:48]

• Set: Middle Eastern character workshop on “how to treat your virgin,” Uber driver, not here to “bomb anyone.”
• Interview: Panel is bewildered, eventually gets Sherry to drop the act and speak as herself. Admits she’s experimenting with character comedy.
• Panel: Support the attempt at big swings (“I like a bold swing, man... sometimes spectacle is rewarded…she took a big swing on a big platform.” [102:17])

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Anthony Walton [102:38]

• Set: Jerking off in cars, Clifford the Big Red Dog’s balls, dead dad (“We found him…dead.”)
• Interview: Breakups, depression, shitting himself (multiple times!) after eating cranberries at Friendsgiving—legendary gross-out storytelling.
• Panel: Tony, Sam, and Jim are rapt in incredulous laughter.
  • “If you’re going to shit your pants, you shit your pants multiple times in multiple places.” [114:49]

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William Montgomery (Regular Closer) [115:49]

• Set: Classic William—bizarre, childlike non-sequiturs about autistic Barbies, Monistat, Minnesota ice, Mario Kart German car repair.
• Interview: Admits to addiction to children’s video games (“Nuclear Gladiator 3000”), falling off his workout regimen, hoarding vintage puzzles, and being in a rough headspace.
  • Brewer: “When I see you, I feel like…Ron Howard's…the one brother no one knows about who’s really angry.” [119:52]
  • “You ain't never going to breathe again.”[124:18] (Montgomery, on vengeance fantasy)
• Panel: Roasts, but also camaraderie and concern for William’s well-being.

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MEMORABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS

• Jim Brewer (on Dedrick Flynn): “I was on the ride with you, bro.” [62:25]
• Sam Tallent (to Fern): “You’re a catch, man. You're a handsome young man…covered in Robin Williams-esque hair.” [29:04]
• Tony (to Trevor Lewis): “Let’s clone him and make 30 of him and kill Dave Litz.” [50:34]
• On Yachow Young: “Redban’s crying over here—his entire face is wet.” [13:29]
• On Anthony Walton’s accident: “If you’re going to shit your pants, you shit multiple times in multiple places.” [114:49]
• Panel on Derek Dimple’s three-day Vegas run: “This should give every single human hope.” [94:28] (Tony)

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TIMESTAMPS FOR IMPORTANT SEGMENTS

• [03:46] – Panel intro & format explanation
• [06:29] – Yachow Young (Golden Ticket Winner)
• [14:37] – Tina la Cocina (Bucket Pull #1)
• [22:43] – Fern (Edgy cat and relationship jokes)
• [34:38] – Hank Garza (Drug-to-dad story)
• [39:38] – Dave Litz (Odd “career” interview)
• [48:43] – Trevor Lewis (Dry, impressive “one year in” set)
• [59:04–66:54] – Dedrick Flynn (Fast, explosive regular set)
• [67:30] – Mike Holder (Sudan to USA, American idiom riffs)
• [82:17] – Derek Dimple (Vegas sexcapade & autism)
• [96:48] – Sheik Ahmed/Sherry (Middle Eastern character/drag routine)
• [102:38] – Anthony Walton (Shitting story & poly breakup)
• [115:49] – William Montgomery Closer

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EPISODE TONE & PANEL DYNAMICS

The episode is a ride between raucous crowd work, sincere moments, and relentless roasting. Tony remains sharp and irreverent, Sam Tallent is empathetic but ribald, and Jim Brewer delivers dry, seasoned jokes with his unique bemusement. The show excels in both highlight-worthy sets and messy, authentic interviews—the comedy community at its most open, unfiltered, and unpredictable.

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TL;DR

• Killer guest panel (Breuer, Tallent) with panel chemistry on full display
• Comics’ sets are dark-edged, but surprisingly confessional and often heartfelt
• Some truly outlandish stories: pants-shitting, threesomes, catfishing, first-time Black lover tales
• Strong crowd energy; the Mothership brings out the weird, real, and hysterical in everyone

For new listeners:
If you want the heart of “Kill Tony,” this episode delivers classic bucket chaos, no-filter panel banter, and both trainwreck and transcendent comedy moments—all with a live-wire, anything-goes energy.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network.

[B]

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found

[A]

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

[B]

You can also check out shopsquad TV

[A]

for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever.

[B]

Shop Squad tv.

[A]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Rat Ra coming you

[B]

live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night

[A]

of their lives, huh? Oh, my God. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? That's the Phil Tony Band. Raul Vallejo. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. Huevos Rancheros. The great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is D Madness live in the flesh. We are back here at the Comedy Mothership yet again for another episode of the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Bluechews, Shopify, Talkspace and to Cova's. We have a great episode lined up for you guys. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We live in Austin, Texas, but we are jumping in a tour bus, ladies and gentlemen, and we are taking the actual Kill Tony show to Houston, Texas, February 28th and Dallas, March 28th. Go to tonyhinchcliffe.com for tickets right now. Come see an actual Kill Tony show in the great state of Texas. One in Houston, February 28th. One in Grand Prairie, March 28th. Tonyhinchcliff.com, get tickets now. You guys ready to start this fucking show? Wow. I mean, what can I say? Every single week I book this mama jama. And I don't think it gets much better than this. One of the guests I've wanted on this show for its 13 year existence. He is all time one of my favorite comedians since I was a kid. And to this day, the other guest is one of our best guests in the history of the show. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time, and the other guest for the multipleth time. Make some fucking noise for the great Jim Brewer and Sam Talon. Oh, my God. Jim Brewer. Let's fucking go, baby. Sam Talent, here we go. Oh, yeah. Sam Talent, Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Brewer. Jim, have a seat. Have a seat. And what the hell is Sam doing? He likes the band. Sam likes the band. Jim Brewer, your first time in the Kill Tony universe. Let's go. Hell, yeah. I've loved you forever. I'm so excited for you to be joining our silly, silly world that we have here.

[C]

This is going to be fun.

[A]

Hell, yeah, it is.

[C]

I'm hopped up.

[A]

We're going to watch some comedy together. It's going to be exciting. Sam talent is back. One of the best in the show's history.

[D]

Very glad to be back. Happy New Year, Tony. Tony's friend. Congrats.

[A]

Sam's got his book, his.

[E]

His.

[A]

His tour, everything.

[D]

And not tour when it's every weekend. Please come see me to stand up.

[A]

All right.

[D]

It's just my job.

[A]

Samtalent.com for tickets, Jim Brewer.com for the brand new Find the Funny tour. It's just about to get started here. Jim Brewer.com B R are. And we are about to have a goddamn blast. Jim, this is your first time, so you might not know, but over 250 innocent souls are stacked in a disgusting bar next door, and they're all crammed in there together. And they're all hoping that this guy with the red hat and little glasses, famous for yo yoing and having finger skateboards, comes over and says, you're next. You're going to be on the biggest show in the industry. I pull their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

[D]

You know that that's the Dre.

[A]

Oh, well. Yep, yep, that's it. This is what they're waiting for. This guy.

[D]

I thought he was here to bring Red Band. More vapes.

[A]

I mean, look at this guy. He's got the headset. This is what it looks like when the ball boy wants to pretend to be the head coach of a football team.

[D]

You're a gatekeeper.

[A]

It is.

[D]

I bet you get so much pussy

[A]

out of this, it's incredible. Look at him. Look at him. He should be coaching Indiana in the national championship right now. And instead.

[F]

Oh, he's smiling.

[A]

Anyway, I pull their name out. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Red Band. Great at his job. Everybody's so good at his. Good Red Band. Very good. Great stuff. You might want to figure that out, because that's your only job. Wow. All right.

[D]

Madness. Thought it was the sound effects

[A]

while we go wrangle that comedian from the bar next door, we have our newest golden ticket winner here to make just her second appearance ever in the show's history. Her first appearance was New Year's Eve in the sold out Moody center arena here in Austin, Texas. This is her first time on the show at the Mothership. Make some noise for her Mothership debut. This is Yachow Young, everybody.

[G]

Thank you. How we doing? My name's Young. A fun fact about me. I was adopted by a few white guys. Ever since I came to the United States at the age of 20, Most comedians call themselves comics. I just get called a commie. As an immigrant, the first question people ask me is always, hey, are you here by yourself? Do you have family here? And when I tell them, no, I don't have family here, they always pity me. They say, oh, I'm sorry you're here alone? I mean, yeah, that's exactly why I'm here. You think I flew 13 hours all the way across the world so I can see them again? I'm here to get away from them. Hello, America. Thank you.

[A]

Yachow Young. All right, Red band. Very good. Red band has an affinity for tiny Asian women.

[D]

Dude in the green room. I thought she was your wife the whole time.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm so sorry I didn't say. Hello, I'm Sam Town. Hey, you did an excellent job.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Fun times. Welcome. Welcome

[H]

in.

[A]

Incredible first set at the Mothership. We learned a lot about you. Did you really? What did. How did you end up here? Did you really come at age 20?

[G]

Oh, yeah, I came here for school.

[A]

What did you study?

[G]

I studied music. Yeah, I love music.

[A]

What did you study?

[D]

That is surprising.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

What is it, violin or something? What did you study? Musically?

[G]

Yeah, I like to sing and play some instruments.

[A]

Really? What instruments do you know how to

[G]

play guitar, but I'm not too good at it. I'm more like a singer.

[A]

Really?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

About like the dragon dance thing.

[G]

I think you were stalking me on Facebook. You were stalking me on Facebook. Was that you?

[C]

No, that wasn't me. That was Joe Coy.

[A]

Yeah,

[C]

I love Joe.

[A]

Did. Did you get a degree in music?

[G]

No, No, I. I don't like school.

[A]

Ah, you dropped out. The rare Asian dropout.

[D]

Yeah, that's why she came to America.

[A]

Yeah, I love it. So how long did you go to school for?

[G]

I was a year in Maryland and a year in Florida.

[D]

Oh, only the best. You've seen both the jewels and the crown of America right there. Maryland, Florida. You spend a lot of time In Florida. Right?

[C]

I'm in Florida now. Watch it, punk.

[A]

What surprised you about American culture when you came over here?

[G]

What surprised you is people eat a lot.

[A]

We do eat a lot. Red band. There you go.

[G]

They need people in the Walmart. They need wheelchair just because they're overweight.

[D]

Quit looking at me.

[G]

I mean, you just need 50 more pounds and you're on a wheelchair.

[D]

Wait, wait, which way up?

[G]

I mean, you. You look like you could be in wheelchair now.

[D]

That's what the lady at Delta said this morning.

[A]

Damn it. So your parents are in China?

[G]

Yeah. Yeah, and they don't know I do comedy either.

[A]

They really don't know?

[G]

No. Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[G]

Yeah, because they're broke and I don't want to give them money.

[A]

Oh, why are they broke? What do they do for work?

[G]

They just teachers, Small business owners. Yeah.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

What kind of small business?

[G]

Like printer shop.

[A]

Wow. A Chinese printer shop. Look at that.

[C]

Sounds like a front.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, it does. I love it. So now you still live in Florida?

[G]

Oh, I just moved here in Austin.

[A]

Oh, congratulations. Hell, yeah. All right. Redbam's really jonesing to hit a button this whole time, just scrolling and then he hit that one.

[D]

I thought ice was here. I was like, oh, no.

[A]

Run, run. Ice. More like rice.

[D]

Whoa. Hey.

[A]

Right. Come on now. Come on, come on.

[C]

Kind of show it.

[A]

No, we're keeping you here. We love you long time. Wow. So you really know how to sing. Can you sing us something? Let's. Yeah, let's. Let's hear something. Something not YouTube. Copyrighted. You have any, like, originals or something like that? No.

[G]

No, it's not.

[D]

What do you like a traditional Chinese folk song?

[G]

Oh, Chinese song.

[A]

Yeah. Can you sing a Chinese song? That's what we can do.

[C]

Like the bing bang Bang.

[E]

You know what I mean?

[A]

We got it. He's got the Chinese kit right here.

[D]

Turtle shells.

[A]

Oh, it's slower. It's slower. That's what it sounds like when you eat a bath. Can you do acapella?

[G]

Yeah, I guess I can.

[A]

Okay, here she is.

[D]

She's like, literally anything but.

[G]

What you're planning is the. The moon shows my love to you.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Classic. It's a real panty dropper if you're singing.

[A]

Do you want me to sing or not?

[G]

You're the second Rhett band here.

[D]

I wish I had a knife and I would commit Suvoku. Now that's Japanese. But. And I would have known that if I was Red Band. So,

[A]

ladies and gentlemen, wow. Making her singing debut, Kino, with the solo spotlight this is Yachow Young, everybody.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Unbelievable. Red band's crying over here. You moved him. Look at his face. His entire face is wet.

[G]

Oh, my God.

[A]

It's burning because it's alcohol. He's. Yeah. Chow Young, you are a great addition to the Kil Tony family. Thank you. What a way to start the night.

[D]

I think you should have stayed in school.

[G]

Yeah. I'll meet you later.

[A]

All right. There she goes. Make some noise for Yachow Young, everyone. And now we go to the Bucket. This is a crazy part of the show. I mean, this is the heartbeat of the show. This is what it's all built around is seeing people, finding people, meeting them, asking them what the hell made them want to do this. This first bucket pool says that it's on the inside representing the audience. I do believe we wrangled them correct. Make some noise for your first Bucket poll of the night. Tina La Cocina. Ooh, there's Tina la Cochina.

[H]

Oh, man, I am so happy to be here. I, I've actually been going through a depression these last six years, you know, since the pandemic. And it started when I lost my dad. Did anybody else lose someone during that time when you couldn't be with your loved ones in their last moments? I. Sorry to bring the party down, but I got the phone call, and the lady was like, is this, is this Tina? And I said, yes. And she said, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your dad has been pronounced dead. And I was in shock. And I was confused because my mom pronounces it deadbeat dad. You guys don't have to feel bad for me. I. He didn't leave a will, but I did inherit his blue handicap parking tag. So where did y' all park?

[G]

You know,

[H]

I do have all his leftover prescription drugs, so if anybody has diabetes or high blood pressure, I'm selling those outside. Two for five. I guess, now that my dad has passed away.

[A]

All right, Tina La Cochina pushing it to the limit there, going over her time, unlike her father, who was out too soon, didn't do the full.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Welcome, Tina. How long you been trying stand up comedy?

[D]

Trying?

[H]

Yes. Since the pandemic.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Oh, okay.

[A]

So you've really been doing it?

[H]

I'm trying.

[B]

Yeah.

[K]

I, I.

[A]

That's the set that you went with. Oh, your hand's shaking. You're very nervous right now. You're okay, Tina.

[H]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Your dad's looking up at us, at us right now. He's very wrong. You're not wrong.

[H]

My mom would say this.

[A]

He's very proud of you. Okay. Tina, where do you live?

[H]

I'm from Robstown, Texas.

[A]

Okay. All right, Pickers. Okay, okay. That's easy.

[D]

We really. We want to like you. You know,

[C]

I feel bad, man, because she hyped us up. And her fan, you know, her cousins, are like, you're gonna crush it, man.

[A]

You're gonna crush it.

[C]

And we're all like, just. Just be cool. Did her best. You did. You did her. She's freaking out.

[L]

Yeah.

[C]

Hard.

[A]

Yeah. This is.

[C]

Don't. Don't freak out. It's all good. You crushed it.

[D]

Yeah. That wasn't easy. And you did a fine job. Yeah. You weren't expecting it pulled. This is the biggest form in comedy. Of course. Your brain's breaking half.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Thank you.

[D]

And did your father really pass from COVID Yeah. I didn't know you could die of a hoax. Now. Now, look.

[A]

Now that.

[D]

Now, see, you can have that. Put that in the ax. You can.

[H]

I'll add that.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, for sure. I can't use it.

[A]

Thank God.

[H]

That's how he got out of paying child support, I think.

[D]

Okay, now we're cooking. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

How many brothers and sisters do you have?

[H]

I have two sisters and a brother.

[A]

All from the same dad?

[H]

No, they got their own dad.

[A]

Oh. Was their dad present in their lives?

[H]

Their dad is alive. Deadbeat to them, but still alive. Yes.

[D]

Their dad wear a mask?

[H]

I don't think we know him.

[M]

I don't know.

[A]

Wow, your mom's a real whore, huh? Says bad taste in people overall, huh?

[H]

She's alive and she's watching right now.

[D]

Thank you, Mommy.

[H]

Mama Coina. Please subscribe.

[A]

Mama Coina.

[D]

Okay, Tina, your mom's only fans.

[A]

What do you do for work, Tina?

[H]

I'm an educator. I work in education.

[A]

What. What exactly does that mean, an educator? Are you a teacher? Yes. Okay, you call it an educator. Is that to make it sound smarter or something? No, I don't know.

[H]

I'm very.

[A]

Who are you educating exactly?

[H]

I. I work for a beauty school. I teach cosmetology.

[A]

Oh, wow. A bunch of. Boy, oh, boy. Every time I ask a question, it gets worse and worse, everybody. I'm an educator. I'm a cosmetology teacher. I killed my own father. I visited him at the hospital, and I put the pillow over his face and suffocated him. That happened.

[H]

Happened.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Well, that explains the confident lipstick choice. I like this.

[A]

Thank you.

[H]

That's all I have going for me.

[D]

It's great. You have a great mouth.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

I've been told before. Good Lord, I love it. Tina, what's your love life like that.

[H]

I don't. I don't have a love life, but I did bring two friends with me.

[A]

They're out there.

[D]

They love three way. She's famous.

[H]

Shout out. Caitlyn, Mr. Window.

[C]

Definitely gonna be popular in school.

[D]

You're gonna be the wig mannequin.

[H]

The cosmetology is full of women. There's. I don't have a chance.

[A]

Let me ask you this. The women that want to learn how to do cosmetology, what are they like? It's a tough crowd. Oh, my God. All right, thank you. They're all strippers. Very good. Recovering strippers is what's being implied.

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, so what are they like? Tell us about it.

[H]

My students.

[C]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah.

[H]

Oh, my students are. I. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. There you go.

[H]

Yeah, I'm trying to get out of the industry and start comedy.

[A]

Yep, yep. Oh, okay. Oh, boy.

[D]

Oh, you don't seem like you're afraid of a challenge.

[H]

Thank you. I'm trying.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

No, that's cool. So you're doing stand up in where, the middle of Texas?

[H]

I am doing stand up at the Annex in Corpus Christi.

[M]

The.

[D]

The annex?

[H]

The Annex.

[N]

Whoa.

[D]

The best room in Corpus.

[A]

Yeah, it's above a pizza place, right?

[D]

No, no, no, Below the pizza place.

[A]

Yeah, Under.

[D]

Yeah, down the street there's a bunch of tunnels.

[C]

Yeah, I've been there.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh. How often do you perform there?

[H]

They only let me do it once a month now.

[D]

Why is that?

[H]

Caitlyn, you can ask her. The bar owner is here with me.

[A]

We don't need to ask the bar owner. No, thank you. I don't need to ask another torta why this chick isn't getting spots. We don't have enough spots to give out. I don't know what you want. No one gives a. Stay in your seat. Tina la cucina. Give us one more crazy fun fact about your life before I get you out of here.

[H]

Oh, my goodness. A fun fact about me. I. I can say the 50 states in alphabetical order.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[D]

Just when you thought you couldn't love her more,

[A]

I would ask you to do that. But what's last? What's last? Last?

[K]

I don't.

[H]

There's nothing fun about me.

[N]

I don't.

[H]

There's fun fact.

[A]

No.

[D]

Wyoming.

[H]

What?

[A]

Yeah. This is brutal. Tina la cucina. You're the first bucket bowl of the night. Congratulations. You were on Kill Tony Tina la cochina, ladies and gentlemen. All right, Sam, you don't have to shake everybody's hand all night. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. Just let him go.

[L]

Let him go.

[A]

There's Heidi. Look at this. Oh, my God. What a beautiful sight on these weary eyes. What a difference a moment makes. From Tina la cucina to Heidi. Heidi is the final boss of cosmetology school for those of you that don't know.

[D]

I also, doesn't Tina la cucina mean Tina the food?

[A]

I think so. Tina the kitchen. She's named after her favorite room in the house. All right, we're gonna keep moving on. This is a one word name. Let's see what happens. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Fern, everybody. Here comes fer.

[K]

Do female crips menstruate? I just know they don't a blood like that. My girlfriend has the daddy dom little girl kink. If you don't know what that is, that's where she pretends she's a little girl. I'm not into it, but I just want to be a supportive boyfriend. But I don't got kids. I don't know what to do. So I just do what my dad did. I get drunk and beat the shit out of her. We all jerk off in front of our pets. Have you ever came on.

[A]

All right, was that it?

[K]

Have you ever came on a cat? If you think about it, it's just a self cleaning cum rag.

[A]

All right, all right.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

A lot of cat lovers out there tonight.

[K]

God damn.

[D]

No, you don't do a pussy pun right there.

[K]

A pussy pun?

[D]

Yeah. You think you'd do something about pussy right there?

[K]

Oh, I'm trying. I got a lot of cat material do.

[D]

I liked it. I thought the jokes were solid. I like the quiet confidence, letting it linger. It was nice to see some jokes here tonight.

[K]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Thank you, Sam. I love your book, by the way.

[A]

Good read. Thank you. A lot of white splotches on those pants.

[K]

A lot of dirt.

[A]

It looks like the cat's returning the favor, huh? Goddamn right.

[K]

I got some cat hair on me a bit.

[D]

Pants are doing white face for mlk.

[C]

That looks like all my neighbors in Florida.

[A]

It is a Florida look. Where are you from, Fern?

[K]

Paris, Texas.

[A]

Okay. How long have you been doing stand up?

[K]

Five years, actually. Yeah?

[A]

Okay. And you've been on the show before, right?

[K]

Yes, sir. It's my third time.

[A]

Hell yeah. How's it been going for you? Good.

[K]

It's going great. Just on the grind mindset, you know, working 58 hours doing comedy five nights a week and cuddling with my cats. Red man knows.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[K]

Cats comedy work, baby.

[A]

Cat lover. As you could tell by his huge hands, cat hair falling off of him.

[D]

Why are you so dirty, though?

[K]

I'm an iron worker.

[A]

I built buildings.

[D]

Oh, sir, can you put some light on 9 11?

[K]

Yes. Actually, it's my favorite conspiracy. Jeff Fuel.

[D]

Kidding.

[C]

Yeah, no, we're.

[D]

We're on YouTube.

[C]

We know who did it. Why didn't you.

[A]

Quiet, quiet. Burton, tell us something crazy we don't know about you.

[K]

From 0 to 17, I could not pronounce the letter R. Ooh. Yeah.

[A]

So I was also bit hard to describe yourself. Yeah.

[C]

How would you pronounce it?

[A]

What?

[K]

Fuin. No R pun.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. We. We used to know a guy like that. Yeah. So how did you learn how to pronounce our. What?

[K]

Speech therapy. I knew I was going to go to the Air Force. I'm vet. Yeah, One vet. And I knew I couldn't say sua. Yes, sua and get away with it, so I went to speech therapy. Fix that right quick.

[A]

How long did it take you?

[K]

Pretty quick, actually. Yeah, if I could teach you. All you got to do is like pick your tongue up to the roof of your mouth.

[D]

I had the same thing, dude. I also could not say my Rs

[A]

as a little fat boy.

[D]

And my favorite X Men was Wolverine. So my mom would have me come in during dinner parties and be like, sam, what's your favorite X Men? And I'd be like, wolverine my day. Little fat boy looking like John Popper. It was brutal.

[C]

I was 82 pounds in kindergarten.

[A]

Really?

[C]

So fat.

[D]

So what did you do to lose the weight?

[C]

I. I didn't.

[D]

Oh, you grew into it.

[C]

Yeah, I grew into it. You put.

[D]

Grew.

[J]

Serious.

[C]

I was 82 pounds of kid. I was a fat.

[M]

So.

[C]

Dude, I know.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

I can relate.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

We should hug.

[A]

I was really skinny my whole life. Wow. Look at really hot. Grew up. You know, I was just about to ask you anyway, Fern, what's your love life like?

[K]

Oh, crazy question. So I had a chick kind of me up pretty bad. She bought me a plane ticket to Canada.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[K]

And then eight days before, she informed me that I was actually the side piece. Yeah, I'm glad they left.

[A]

That's awesome. Yeah. What's wrong with that? What's the problem?

[K]

She was telling me I was not the side piece the whole time.

[A]

I love you.

[K]

Blah, blah, Blah. All this, that and the third. I would have been fine just being the side piece. Just don't manipulate me. It's a whole up thing.

[A]

Yeah. So what? You didn't end up going to Canada?

[K]

I did not. No.

[A]

But you talked to her like a lot or something you like had feelings for before meeting her.

[K]

Yeah, she flew down four times and we just basically had sex all day every day. It was great.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[K]

Three times a day. Just getting it. I earned that plane ticket. God damn it.

[C]

Don't buy a dog.

[A]

Okay, so you didn't think just to keep that on the side and be the side piece for you and then, you know, try to find another girl?

[K]

I mean, it. It just genuinely me up. I didn't eat for five days, then I got on talk space. Promo code space80.

[A]

That's right.

[K]

You know what I mean? Help me out of it. And now like I'm kind of talking to women right now, but I'm just. Comedy work cats dog.

[D]

You're a catch, man. You're a handsome young man.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

You have a swagger do. You're covered in Robin Williams esque hair. You're a steel worker, you know. Sir, you're funny. Go get some of that sweet tail the kids are talking about.

[K]

Yes, sir, I will.

[D]

Mike's been plowing through it.

[K]

I mean, he's a handsome guy too.

[D]

He leaves the hat.

[A]

Wow. See, she really damaged you, this Canadian catfish.

[K]

Yeah, she. Yeah, she was hot.

[A]

How long ago was this?

[K]

Seven, eight months ago.

[A]

Have you been on dates since then?

[K]

Yeah, two catfishes. One.

[D]

It's an Internet term for being lied to about who's coming.

[A]

They know that. Pretty sure it's one of the big girls from Corpus Christi over there. It's one loud table of tortas over there. If we could quiet them down. They're still chiming in. This is the big city to them. Corpus Christi people. So they're having a real hoot nanny tonight. I'm sure they had margaritas at the Iron Cactus before this and are lit right now.

[G]

What?

[A]

Asking their own questions. So give us an example of one of these recent catfishes. You're on like an online dating site and what happens exactly.

[C]

Cuz all I think about is like.

[A]

She's like, did you hear me? He was talking to me.

[C]

Me on kill.

[A]

Tony, you were an.

[C]

Why are you talking to her in it?

[I]

Exactly.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

No, you're right.

[C]

You're good back. Yeah, sorry.

[A]

We love it.

[D]

Do you want to have sex with any of these ladies over there? Oh, I Wasn't him talking to you? Jesus.

[K]

I'm gonna have to drum off for some.

[A]

So it was like just, it was just a girl with a filter. And she ended up being big.

[K]

Always 80 pounds plus Mike. So how old are these pigs?

[A]

Are you going to their house? Are you meeting them for coffee? Where are you realizing that you got catfished?

[K]

Yeah, Bar I most. I've actually started to think now to where I wait in my car and be like,

[A]

you're just watching them enter like a Italian mobster ready to do a hit?

[D]

Yeah, they never leave the cannoli.

[K]

One time I showed up relatively early. I told the bouncer, I was like, hey, man, if you see this chick, you know, like, thumbs up, thumbs down with the id. And he's like, I got you. She was already inside. I was like, all right. So I walk inside, she's holding the food. I'm like, God damn. Like, the problem continues. So I'm debating, do I just leave? What, what the do I do? So I go to the bathroom, call my homie, I'm like, what? What would you do? And he's like, I don't have the balls to leave. But if you do, that's wild. And I was like, bet. So I like walk out the other way, trying to hit the door. And like, as soon as I get here, she's like, hey. And I'm.

[A]

Oh, man.

[K]

So I'm sitting down, chit chatting with her, trying to be polite, and then a spam call calls me and I'm like, oh, hey mom, gotta go. And I Bill.

[A]

Wow, you used a phone call from your mom to get out?

[K]

Yeah, I was looking for anything.

[D]

When you said it was a spam call, did she say awesome?

[A]

Because spam is a greasy food.

[D]

Samtalent.com.

[C]

you're like a son in law. No, seriously though, dude, I, I, I worry for my. You are a father's nightmare.

[K]

Thank you, sir.

[C]

Dad of getting married.

[D]

All right.

[C]

This is my nightmare, dude.

[A]

Right? I don't know.

[C]

She's in Canada here. Like, I'm waiting outside the pub.

[A]

You gotta love him, dad.

[K]

There was this one time I went on a date.

[A]

Oh, I love this. Yeah, it was Ferns, Catfish adventures.

[K]

Oh, there's so many.

[D]

Wait, wait, wait. Before you story, her last name wasn't Brewer, was it?

[C]

No.

[D]

Okay. All right.

[K]

I would have kept that one. I show up, she's like the dimensions of a toilet paper roll.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's bad.

[K]

She's celebrating her birthday with her friends downtown, invited me out. I was like, it One of her friends goes, you were on Kill Tony.

[A]

Ah.

[K]

And I go, yes, I was. And she gets up and sits next to me. And then the catfish had to watch me date her friend.

[A]

For how long? Just the night? Yes.

[K]

Yes, she watched all night. And then we started hooking up a little bit. That was fun. And then that was the relationship before the Canadian.

[A]

Look at that. Kill Tony changing people's lives. Amazing.

[K]

Thank you.

[N]

Thank you.

[A]

You already have a big joke book?

[K]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Well, there you go. There he goes. Fern, everybody.

[K]

Thank you, John.

[N]

One name.

[A]

Fern. There goes Fern, everyone. Thank you, Fern. Sam, you don't have to do that. All right. Okay. Your next bucket pole. We know this guy. We've known him for a long time. Time. Make some noise for the great Hank Garza. Everybody, with a new minute. It's Hank. Big Hank.

[L]

Guys, believe it or not, I was actually born prematurely. My dad came quick. It's crazy. The other day, I was out in public with my dog and it took a shit, and I didn't have a bag. And I did that move, you know, And I was like, man, is this what white guilt feels like? Having to make excuses for animals? All right, you're gonna love this next one. I've been really working on this impression here. I'm gonna hit you with it.

[A]

Oh, yeah, boss.

[L]

They look like a skinny Mexican and they talk like a hoyo.

[A]

Yo, yo.

[C]

Hoyo. Yo, yo,

[J]

yo.

[L]

That's the Japanese. Seeing the Navajo code talkers for the first time. Little history for your ass. Before I was a dad, I was a drug addict. And I thought I was gonna be a terrible father. So I found out that being a drug addict and being a dad, Zach's ain't fucking life. I'll end it at that. Cause this goes pretty deep. But, yeah, that's been my time. Thank you so much.

[A]

Okay, Hank. What are the things that it has in common? What's daddy?

[L]

Well, for one dog, you're. He's broke, right? Crazy. But I'm not spending money on eight balls in hotel rooms now. It's like diapers and strawberries. It's crazy. See, I used to have to test all my for Fentol because that's how crazy it got. And when I would see that line, I was like, damn, I gotta sell this to somebody else.

[A]

There you go. Yeah, I like that, Hank.

[N]

Now.

[L]

Now, it's my kids diapers, bro. It's like it has a blue line and it's either piss or you don't know which one it is. And I'm Like, I wish it was fentanyl.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[L]

What's up, Tony?

[A]

Hi, buddy. I love it.

[D]

You should have done that minute instead. That was a good.

[A]

No, I should have.

[D]

My bad. My bad. Yeah, that's all right.

[A]

Rock solid. Rock solid. Your best performance, I think, ever.

[L]

Thank you.

[A]

Since you started stand up, we were all there when you started a few years ago. How's it been going?

[L]

It's been going great. It's been going great. Just chasing this. I'm a loser, so I can't do anything else. So I, like, I cannot fail at this. So I'm just showing up. And even if I. I'm just showing up, dog, and just learning from you guys and just trying to get better. That's it. Dude, I love it.

[A]

I love it. You seem happy. Kids are good.

[L]

Kids are great.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[L]

Kids are great. Their dad's present. Now I'm not off in the head and, like, just. Yeah, man. It's crazy.

[I]

I love it.

[A]

How did you. What do you.

[K]

How did.

[A]

What helped you quit drugs?

[L]

I got addicted to stand up.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

Like, straight up. I got addicted to chasing that high of just watching these strangers just look at me.

[D]

What drugs were you doing, bro?

[L]

At the end, it was everything. Well, it was like, at the end, it was a lot of opiates.

[D]

Okay?

[L]

Yeah. But if I had to. I love coke.

[D]

All right?

[C]

I love.

[A]

Wow. I love cocaine. Wow.

[D]

Those things are a lot more fun than stand up.

[L]

I know. I know, but it's terrible on your health.

[D]

Well, I mean. So stand up. Look at me.

[A]

I guess so.

[D]

I'm 23. I know. I lost £100. No one believes me.

[L]

Yeah, I've lost weight, too. And I hate when people always, like, try to find a cop out for whenever you lose weight. They're like, hank, was it your thyroid? The thighs rub? They didn't roar.

[D]

I feel like Byron Allen crazy Now. What other things about weight loss are funny?

[A]

All right, Sam, stick it over here, okay?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[C]

You married, too?

[L]

Yes, sir. 13 years. Solid wife.

[C]

So your chick was there when you were nuts?

[L]

Nuts Crazy.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Yeah. Stuck through it all.

[N]

All right.

[L]

That's a down ass.

[C]

Straightened you up, didn't she?

[L]

Hell, yeah. She ain't no Tina cochina.

[A]

Big Hank with the callback cranked it deep, deep left center, and it's a home run. Got it. Hank. Hank. What else is going on in life? Anything else?

[L]

Yeah, man. Huge shout out to the Riot Riverwalk. They made me a door guy there. They took a chance on me. So if you're ever in San Antonio. The riot Riverwalk come down. We have solid comedians out of San Antonio. Trust me.

[A]

Beautiful.

[L]

But they took a chance on me, and I can't thank him enough.

[A]

I love it. Well, great performance. Here's a big joke book. Bing bong. The great Hank Garza, everybody. We're going to keep it moving along here. On to the next one we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pole. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Dave Litz. Dave Litz, everybody. Here he is.

[E]

Hey, everybody.

[A]

Waka waka waka.

[E]

Nanu nanu. My mother in law survived stage 4 pancreatic cancer by having her pancreas cut out. That's right.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

My mother in law was born in Sendai, Japan. And in Japan, they don't have the same diseases that we do. They don't have the same health problems. They don't have pancreatic cancer. So they gave her two choices. They were like, you can either live and we cut out your pancreas, or you keep your pancreas in and you die. So she was like, I want to leave. So they cut out her pancreas. So she now has a permanent insulin pump and type 3 diabetes, which I like to call triabetes. But. So in one woman, my mother in

[A]

law,

[E]

the Japanese cured pancreatic cancer. They invented a cyborg, and they perfected triabetes. So you know why his Japanese can't keep a secret? Because they're always spilling their guts.

[C]

Did you see that?

[A]

All right, Dave Lynn. Okay. Welcome to dying parent night here on Kill. Tony. This is very, very. Everyone's very dark tonight. Everyone's. Every parent is getting d madness is pissed every two.

[C]

Two seconds.

[A]

He's.

[C]

He's starting crack. Baby's going, yeah, yeah.

[D]

At the setup.

[C]

You roll your eyes.

[A]

Yeah. D madness can tell when someone's bombing. He doesn't need to see it. He can hear. Dave, welcome. So I really don't get it. Your mom's Japanese or she lived in Japan?

[E]

I said she was my mother in law, Tony.

[A]

Oh, your mother in law. How dare you to hard to keep

[E]

track of my mom's Tallahassee lassie. So she's a Seminole.

[K]

All right.

[A]

Okay. I didn't know they had gay Nazis. This is incredible. I thought all.

[E]

I think Naz fascism is gay too. All together.

[A]

Hell yeah. Is that a. You have a gem attached to your cheek.

[E]

A dermal anchor. Yeah, a friend of mine invented it. It's called a dermal anchor.

[A]

A dermal anchor.

[D]

It's an anchor and you're Sinking every time. Yeah.

[E]

My dad was in the navy, so I'm used to to it.

[A]

Hell yeah. What do you do for work, Dave Litz?

[E]

I. I just got a job at P. Terry's. I literally have one of the greatest jobs on the planet. So p. Terry's is 100% here in Austin, and it's 100% beef. It's one of the greatest jobs I've ever had.

[C]

Make sure you get that in when you get out there. Forget if the jokes don't work.

[E]

Started talking to my manager. I would like to do a. A Monday where we actually feed all the comics. There's like 300 comics. Most of them are homeless people. They would love to have some hamburgers. Like, I think it'd be a real good night, like, but.

[A]

So you just work a normal P. Terry's. You're not the manager or anything?

[E]

Nah, man. My wife's the number one recording artist from the Gold coast of Australia.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

My. My wife's name's Mia Muse.

[D]

What? She played. Did you redo every day?

[E]

Yeah. Wither hoo.

[A]

Ha.

[E]

Is that funny?

[A]

Mia Muse.

[E]

M I, A, M U, Z E.

[D]

Go to the foreign name folder.

[E]

Yeah, they say Zed in Australia. It's really fun down there. I actually got to be locked down in Australia during COVID And then when they finally let me leave, they kicked me out for three years. It was great.

[A]

What do you mean they kicked you out for three?

[E]

Because I overstayed my visa, because I was there on a vacation visa, because they shut down the airport when I was leaving the country legally to come home. They said I could not return for three years because I overstayed my visa during COVID Wow.

[A]

You made people fight each other in the back of the room. People are people.

[E]

I don't make anyone fight here. They just do that.

[H]

That.

[E]

That happens when you step in homeless.

[A]

So Mia Muse is the bread winner, and you are the hamburger winner, 100%. And what does she think about you working at a fast food joint?

[E]

She's in Australia right now. She doesn't have to worry about what I do.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

She's in Brisbane right now. She's performing.

[J]

She's getting.

[E]

She does a lot of radio gigs, stuff like that.

[D]

This part sad, too?

[A]

I don't know.

[E]

No, I. I'm here. I. I moved here. I live on Ben White and Banister.

[A]

I've been direct cross streets. Ladies and gentlemen, if anybody's looking to hire Dave Litz, just take a megaphone

[E]

to walk downtown every day and do open mics. Every day. Sometimes five to seven a day.

[A]

How long have you been doing stand up?

[E]

Almost 30 years.

[A]

30 years? Is that what you just said? Hold on. Stop. Stop the piano. Stop.

[C]

Is he.

[A]

Is it Stop. Dave, over here. Do not talk to them. Dave, over here.

[F]

Dave.

[E]

Dave. Deaf guy Dave. That's a. Dave.

[A]

Shut the fuck up and look at me.

[E]

30 years, Tony. I did it in high school. I actually got suspended from school for doing a joke.

[A]

Okay, stick with me. Dave, over here. I need you to focus. So have you been performing at that rate that hard for that long? You've been working hard at this for over 30 years.

[E]

I got here from St. Louis, where I was performing at the Funny Bone. I just got in with the improv group at the.

[A]

What were you doing at the Funny Bone? Featuring. For somebody.

[E]

I was trying.

[K]

Yes.

[A]

What do you mean trying?

[E]

You have to show.

[A]

Were you open mics? So you did open mics at the Funny Bone?

[E]

Okay, at the Funny Bone every day.

[A]

What's the biggest gig that you've done in the 30 plus years?

[E]

Cruise lines.

[A]

Cruise lines?

[E]

Not really big.

[A]

How long were the sets that you were doing on cruise lines? Well, an hour long. I bet people were taping anchors to themselves on those cruise lines. Jumping off.

[E]

They have comedians on cruise line? You're my favorite person on the planet.

[A]

I can't believe I'm this close to you, man.

[E]

You're the best.

[A]

Like, yeah, you guys have been doing standup of the same length of time. You probably did open mics with them 40 years ago.

[E]

I've never done one with you, though, Tony.

[D]

Okay,

[A]

you be careful. I might bite that gem right off your cheek. Keep flirting with me to get that close.

[E]

You're not Joe Rogan, bro.

[J]

You're.

[A]

I don't know what that means. Anyway, so you don't have ninja skills.

[E]

Joe Rogan has, like.

[A]

Okay, all right, Dave, you're. Stick with me here.

[B]

That.

[M]

It's.

[A]

How long have you been. Dave, stop just yapping. Listen, focus on the be present day.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You're rambling over there. How long have you been married to this lady?

[E]

12 years.

[A]

And you got married in Australia? Where'd you meet her?

[E]

Colorado Springs, at a show.

[A]

Were you at one of her shows?

[E]

I was shooting laser beams on top of a nightclub and she was performing.

[D]

Oh, she's not real.

[E]

Yes, she's really a famous musician.

[A]

Is she also a student of beekeeping and medication?

[E]

She does. She actually has. She studied beekeeping at a Buddhist temple and she has her own beehives. She Actually, what?

[D]

Find her. Tinder.

[A]

Well, I'm not gonna be keeping you here any longer. How about that?

[D]

Here's a.

[A]

Here's a. Here's a little joke book. There you go, buddy. Bing bong. There it is. Oh, my God.

[D]

What a freak, man.

[A]

Unbelievable. What the hell?

[C]

I don't know where that was going.

[B]

I don't know what that was.

[A]

I'm like, what's the biggest gig you've done in your 30 plus long year career? He's like, I did the Funny Bone recently. I'm like, what'd you do? He's like, an open mic. Yeah, you could do that that night. You could start that day and do an open mic at a Funny Bone that night.

[D]

Nothing prevents gig.

[A]

Three decades plus of attempting standup comedy. The biggest thing he's done is something that Tina Cina could do. It's unbelievable. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Who knows? This guy could be doing it for the last 90 years. Yeah. He's a vampire. Make some noise for Trevor Lewis, everybody. Here we go.

[J]

In my experience, black people listen

[K]

are

[J]

less uptight about race than white people are. You feel how tense the white people are. I used to drive doordash in a ski town, and let's be honest, not a lot of black people ski. So I was driving doordash. This is a true story. And I pulled into a busy parking lot at the base of the ski village to drop off an order, and I called up my guy. I said, hey, I got your food. I'm pulling up. I'm in a silver Nissan Rogue. And he said, all right, I'm black. I found him. I was surprised he said that, but he was being helpful. Actually, he was more helpful than I was because there were more silver Nissan Rogues than black people in that parking lot.

[A]

Wow. You must have been doing stand up 500 years. This is incredible written material. Smart, topical, well executed, edgy, but not sad as fuck. Not a single dying family member or cancer reference or depression or pandemic or white guilt. None of these things.

[D]

You don't have a dipshit haircut.

[A]

Yeah. No gems hanging off of your face.

[N]

Yeah.

[D]

Your bones aren't pierced.

[A]

Yeah. What the hell? Shocking. What a relief. Welcome, Trevor.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

How long you been on stand Up?

[J]

One year.

[D]

What?

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Let's clone him and make 30 of him and kill Dave Litz. I think.

[D]

I think Dave's gonna do it himself. He's been doing it 30 years until tonight.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Good work, Corky. Man, that was good.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

How old are you?

[J]

I'm 26.

[A]

All right. Amazing. Trevor. Wow. You've been doing it one year. What made you want to start Stand up a year ago?

[J]

Okay, well, honestly, I moved here after college. I wanted to be an independent filmmaker, and I was grinding away writing screenplays, faced writer's block. But I was going to shows around here, shows at the Mothership, and I was like, I can get up there. I can do that.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Yeah. Amazing. And you've been working hard at it?

[J]

Oh, yeah. Really hard.

[A]

You love it?

[J]

I love.

[K]

You're.

[A]

You're addicted to it now, and filmmaking is kind of.

[J]

Oh, it's gone, Right?

[A]

Incredible. How are you making money to survive in the meantime?

[J]

I wait tables.

[A]

Nice. Absolutely. Doing what you got to do.

[J]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Is the great not Otis Redding? Anyway, it doesn't matter.

[D]

Shen Yun.

[A]

What is that?

[D]

Was it Shenyan?

[A]

No. Nina Simone. Do what you gotta do.

[J]

Yeah, I know that one.

[A]

All right. Nina Simone. Who gives a. It doesn't matter. Jesus Christ. Okay. Did you really do doordash in a ski town?

[J]

I did okay.

[A]

What ski town was that?

[J]

Vail, Colorado.

[A]

Did you go to school there? What were you doing there during COVID

[J]

I took a gap year there. Ski bum.

[A]

Nice. Yeah. Hell yeah. All right. Trevor, what's your love life like?

[J]

To be determined right now.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Never had sex.

[J]

I have had sex.

[C]

That was a good question. I didn't want to ask it. I didn't want to be disrespectful.

[D]

No.

[C]

Could be.

[D]

My son, you've been on the road a long time.

[C]

Long time, bro. I like to stop.

[A]

You have a regular girl that you hang out?

[J]

I met a girl at my restaurant. She came in to eat.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[J]

We hung out a couple times.

[A]

You were shooting lasers at her? Something like that. Keep going.

[J]

Yeah, she came in to eat with her parents, and she had just moved here, bought a house, was asking me all these questions about Austin, and I became like, the guy who answers the questions.

[A]

Look at you. And then what happened?

[J]

And then we exchanged contact information. And I was like, I think you're cute. You want to go out? Then we went to a show at the creek in the cave. And then we hung out a couple times since she's been in Thailand for three weeks.

[A]

Ah.

[D]

Getting the surgery?

[A]

Indeed. Hell yeah.

[D]

It's a special girl. That's good.

[J]

She really likes me.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And you met her parents already?

[J]

Yeah.

[D]

That's cool.

[A]

Incredible.

[D]

You're never going to see her again.

[J]

It's possible.

[D]

You don't need her now. You were funny here for a minute.

[A]

You're great. You have any hobbies? Any things that you're into, like Pokemon or something? Minecraft.

[J]

I like to read.

[C]

Oh, yeah, of course he does.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[J]

Yeah, I'm reading a book by Frederick Jameson right now on postmodernism. It's pretty cool.

[A]

Yeah, there it is.

[C]

No, this is who I want. Marrying a daughter.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

This is the dream.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

He's always having. Yeah. As well. What I'm doing and I'm going to do it and everything's great and I'm going to do it.

[C]

How long you been doing?

[B]

One year.

[A]

One year. And he knows.

[B]

He's crushing.

[C]

I love this guy.

[A]

Yeah. Set her up. Set her up.

[D]

If I had a daughter, I'd also want her to marry a gay virgin. So, yeah, that would be optimal, sir.

[N]

Yes.

[C]

If he walked through the door just like that.

[F]

Like.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Thank you. God, you don't even have a penis. Welcome here. No, you do, right? Other.

[A]

Other than reading, Dave. Other than. I mean, Trevor. Other than reading what. What else are you doing when you let your hair down? When you want to get a little wild? What does a guy like Trevor Lubas do?

[J]

Yeah, so I've always been an athlete. So, I mean, I grew up playing football. I was really competitive.

[A]

Wow. Where did you grow up exactly?

[J]

Yeah. Outside of D.C. wow.

[A]

Incredible. And you're a football player.

[J]

I was a football.

[A]

Was it a town of little people or something? Was it like, munchkin?

[J]

I believed in myself a lot.

[A]

Wow. What position did you.

[J]

I was a quarterback.

[A]

Wow. Look at you. Absolutely incredible.

[D]

My God, he set the passing record at middle Earth high.

[J]

Stand up next to me. How tall are you?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Oh. Oh, my God. Oh.

[J]

Middle line, ladies and gentlemen.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm one of the big ones.

[A]

Look at that. Every great quarterback needs an offensive lineman next door.

[D]

I got your blind side, buddy.

[A]

Absolutely.

[J]

I don't know how comfortable I'd feel, honestly.

[D]

No one asked. Welcome to show business, kid.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Incredible. So, what, did you have a lot of black players on the team?

[J]

There were a lot of black players.

[A]

And you would throw the ball to them because they're good at running and catching, Correct?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Did they. Was there a backup quarterback or.

[J]

I was the backup.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Did not see that coming.

[A]

What if you had to describe what the starting quarterback looked like? How would you describe him?

[J]

Caleb Williams.

[A]

Okay, can you use some more?

[J]

Like his name was Caleb Williams.

[A]

It was Caleb Williams, the actual Caleb Williams was the starting quarterback. The quarterback of the Chicago Bears.

[J]

The quarterback of the Chicago Bears was

[A]

the quarterback ahead of you?

[J]

No, he was a freshman.

[A]

Right. But he started over you with the team. Oh, wow. Incredible. Boy, oh, boy. One moment he's a super athlete from Virginia, the next, you realize nothing. Absolutely nothing. You have the same sports history as Dave Litz. And his face gem.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

You still friends with Caleb Williams?

[J]

I was never friends with K. Yeah, you think? Great guy, though. Great guy, though. Bad rep, but.

[A]

Bad rep. In what way?

[J]

Have you seen Twitter?

[A]

No. Tell us about it. We don't. We're not looking. We're not searching.

[J]

Got people.

[A]

We're not searching our high school bullies on Twitter.

[D]

Or our crushes.

[A]

Okay, so now you get your revenge.

[J]

No, no, no. Being totally straightforward. He is such a great guy, man of really high character, but people on Twitter give him a hard time for the painted nails, and I think that's unfair.

[A]

Well, painted nails ain't nothing when your girl's in Thailand for three weeks, buddy. Trevor. Very, very, very great set. Very great interview. You're present. You're aware. You're funny. Keep it up. Nothing can stop him. Trevor Lewis, ladies and gentlemen. Hell, yeah. That's how it's done. He wrote, he took his time, he performed, he executed. And here we go with one of our regulars, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time.

[D]

Him.

[A]

You love him. He's known as the dark storm of Atlanta. Make some noise for Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It's so good to be back home. Oh, my God. I hate flying. I'm scared of it. And that's not an irrational fear. And I'm tired of people bullying. We not supposed to be up there, all right? We're not supposed to be up there. And if we were supposed to be up there, then why did God invent gravity? All right? God wanted us on this ground, not in the air. If he wanted us in the air, he would have made us angels. But we not supposed to be up there. We're defying God, all right? We are defying God being up there, and I'm not religious, but when that plane start turbulizing. Nigga, I believe in God with. When the plane got tuberculosis. Nigga, you need. Oh, our Father, who out in heaven, hallowed be that name. You know, I can't. I. Nick. What? I took my first. I took my first private jet, right? And I didn't pay for it. Tony did. It was Tony's plane. I was going open up for Tony, and I Can tell y' all this. Fuck little planes, all right? Fuck little plane. We not supposed to. To see the captain, all right? That's what I. We not supposed to see the captain the whole time. I'm supposed to be in 30F, nigga. I'm not supposed. There's supposed to be room in between.

[O]

Cause you.

[B]

I'm not supposed to hear what they hear or see what they see. Lie to me over the intercom, all right? That's. I turned around and I looked, and I saw the map that they saw with the plane going. And the map was red. And we can agree that red mean bad. Red mean bad. And then I know red mean bad because the pilot came and he leaned over to us. He was like, hey, guys, we're gonna get into some turbulent weather. It's gonna be really increment, which if people say that we gonna die. You know what I'm saying? When you start using big words. Somebody about to die. And he was like, put. You make sure you guys are buckled up. As if I ever took off my seatbelt. And he was like, y', all, we gonna be fine. But the whole time he was talking, I didn't say nothing because I was scared and I was crying. But I really wanted to say, nigga, get back up there. Why are you back here? This plane take two people. I turn around, the pilot doing this with both steering wheel. Thank y' all so much. Destiny.

[A]

Wow. Wow. That's the difference between bucket pools, golden ticket winners, and Kill Tony regulars.

[D]

I mean, it was great.

[A]

Absolutely incredible.

[D]

You keep that pace the whole time. When you do, like, an hour, are you just banging like that?

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

Damn, dude, that's great. It's really funny. You look like both members of Run the Jewels combined.

[B]

Yeah, dis that. Dis that Flash.

[A]

That's dead.

[B]

I don't know if that's mean, but I love you, so.

[D]

I love you, man. No, that was great, dude.

[C]

I wasn't sure where he was going. I was a little worried for a second, and all of a sudden you're like, I was on the ride with you, bro.

[D]

I was the horse.

[A]

Not supposed to see the captain. Just absolutely hilarious. It is. It is strange. You don't really get used to it.

[B]

No, no. That's not what you told me when I was crying. That's not what you told. This nigga Tony is a liar. This nigga Tony is a liar. He gonna look me dead in my face as I'm panicking. And he was like, dedrick, this happens every flight. There is always Turbulence. You'll get used to it. It's a jet, right? He's telling me that. But ahrii Matty is sitting behind that nigga, eyes like. Like this, gripping his. He with him all the time. It don't happen every time. He's scared too. That's not just me and Ari.

[D]

Seen some.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He was going, cuz the son of mod was on the plane.

[D]

Oh, no.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And then he go tell. He go tell me. He's like, you're panicking for no reason. I said, nah, you not panicking enough, cuz it's this plane go down. We're blaming you, all right? We're blaming the people. Be like a son of mod. I hate planes.

[A]

It's a little tricky. It's a little tricky. You can feel the turbulence on a smaller plane. A little bit better than a. Than a big one.

[E]

Yeah, better.

[A]

But it's all. Turbulence isn't bad though, like. But you're not supposed to feel it like that. Like in a little plane.

[D]

On a big plane.

[A]

Yeah, but you're safe as.

[D]

Oh, it's so scary.

[B]

I don't trust you, Red, man.

[A]

Yeah, there's been on the jet with you. Great input by Red Band. Repeating everything we just said. Amazing stuff.

[B]

Y' all say that just because y' all landed safely. But y' all know at that time, we. Because I looked at you, look at me, look at everybody else.

[A]

We.

[B]

We thought we was gonna die because we weren't even going nowhere real. We was going to Lincoln, California.

[A]

I've never heard. Yeah.

[B]

Of Lincoln, California day in my life,

[D]

but there's a sense of peace when you think that you're gonna die.

[B]

No. Oh, you been popping. I just got started, nigga. I'm not supposed to die right now. Yeah, you're money. Gonna tell me how I'm supposed to feel right now?

[D]

Well, dude, I was on a private plane with Tim Dillon one time in Europe, and we thought we were gonna die. And I just kept thinking about the headline the next day. Tim Dillon in Fat Prostitute Dead in Planet.

[O]

Like.

[D]

My name wouldn't make the headline in that instance. It would have been Tony Hinchcliffe and, you know, three door guys dead 100%. That's what they would have done to your memory.

[B]

They couldn't even have mourned me, man.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Cause Redman, one time when I was talking to you, didn't somebody die on the flight back from you?

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I had to fly now to a dead person next to me, though, for six hours. It was Horrible. He was on a flight back from London and a guy next to him died.

[C]

No, dude.

[A]

Yeah. And they tried to, like, do the CPR for, like, 30 minutes, and then they had to. I've been sitting next to this guy every Monday for 13 years. That guy couldn't handle 10 hours. You guys have any idea how fucking hard this job is? Other people are literally, instead of watching an in flight movie, they're like, I'm fucking.

[I]

Yeah.

[D]

It's the first suicide in the history of first class 3C.

[A]

This fucking guy.

[C]

So glad to be out of my house tonight. You don't know much.

[F]

I don't have it.

[A]

Dedrick, what else is going on? You just made your Netflix debut. We have the still in the top 10 on Netflix right now.

[B]

Top. I think we're top two, if right, am I correct? Top two.

[A]

Kill ton something. It doesn't matter. It flip flops. These women at home have a. They're all watching. Watching a bunch of ahead of us. It's a bunch of woman shows. These moments. Moms are all at home with nothing to do. These fucking anyway.

[B]

Yeah. That was crazy. 15,000 people was insane. I didn't even know that I had that many fans in Austin, but when they called my name, y' all gave me a standing ovation. And that's why this is my new hometown. I'm renouncing Atlanta, Georgia.

[A]

Yeah. The dark storm of Austin, Texas. Let's go, Dedrick. You did it again. You are unbelievable. There he goes. The future has arrived. Dedrick Flynn. And back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, you know what it is. The lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Mike. Mike Holder, everybody. Mike Holder. Here we go.

[O]

Thank you. Thank you very much. I've got an embarrassing confession to make. I've recently learned that spilling the beans does not mean fumbling a hot Latina. I don't understand these phrases.

[B]

I'm from Sudan.

[O]

I'm not American. I just moved here five years ago. And as you can imagine, I've been misgendering people left and right. It was stuff like that until I learned I never have to worry about misgendering. If I just call everybody my nigger makes it a whole lot easier for me. Also learned that in America, we don't trust the government. I mean, what kind of government shuts down? And then the air force said, the Freezing Area 51 program, or as I like to call it, putting the aliens on ice, has to be the only country in the world where kids have imaginary friends. But how come it's always one imaginary friend? To me, that shows that even in their imaginations, they're still fucking losers. Up. Thank you very much.

[A]

Wow. Mike Holder with a great set.

[O]

Thank you.

[A]

Amazing. You've been on this show once before.

[O]

Once before?

[A]

Heck, yeah. I remember you. I remember you because you blend in with the back wall behind you. One of the rare comedians that blend in with the black brick of the mothership. Welcome back, Mike. I mean, night and night. Difference between this last set that you had tonight and the other one.

[B]

Right?

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

I was very fucking crushed right now.

[O]

Thank you very much.

[A]

Amazing set.

[O]

Thank you.

[A]

How's life been going for you? Remind us, how long you been on Stand Up Up?

[O]

Coming up on four years.

[A]

Four years. All of it here in America?

[F]

Yeah.

[O]

Three years in Arizona.

[A]

Three years in Arizona and you've been here for one year?

[L]

Yes.

[A]

And what do you do for work? What exactly?

[O]

I used to work in sales. Now I'm just trading stocks.

[A]

Trading stocks. Look at you. What are the hot stocks right now? Give us some tips.

[O]

Oh, Beyond Meat.

[A]

Beyond Meat. They were down. That's the.

[O]

Skeptical, but I'm just.

[A]

Yeah, what do you mean? Tell us what you mean. Beyond Meats is taking off.

[O]

Yeah, I'm not. No, I'm not gonna give anybody financial advice. I'm sorry about that.

[D]

But why?

[O]

I can't.

[D]

Do you have any insider training you can give us?

[O]

No.

[D]

Or just some money? I'd take some money. That'd be cool.

[O]

No, I'm not there yet. I'm just starting.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

So are you.

[C]

Where are you from?

[O]

Sudan.

[C]

Sudan.

[A]

Yes. Wow.

[D]

That's as much as I knew as well, Joe. Yeah.

[O]

You got a lot of questions.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know.

[C]

It's just you don't see a lot of people from Sudan every day. When's the last time you said, hey, where you from? Sudan.

[D]

Whenever I'm in Minneapolis.

[O]

No, that's Somalia.

[D]

You know, I try. Sudanese. Look at these, right?

[A]

Tomato, tomato. I love it. What are the Sudan Sudanese known for?

[O]

What's generosity?

[A]

Really? Wow. In what way? Can you give us an example of

[O]

Sudanese hospitality and generosity? They would take in almost anybody. They were taking anybody. Unlike America.

[A]

Is that true or are you.

[O]

No, no, no. I'm being honest. Honest. Ask anybody.

[A]

Okay. What else are they known for? Generosity isn't exactly what I was expecting there. Give me another Sudanese stereotype.

[O]

Stereotype?

[A]

You're from there, remember? This is your country.

[O]

Yeah. Okay. Gossip.

[A]

Gossip.

[O]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

About the king.

[O]

Terrible, terrible gossip. And backbiting that we're known for.

[A]

Backbiting.

[B]

What's that mean?

[A]

It means no worries, Red Band.

[O]

Red Band has been around me since last time.

[A]

Yes, he.

[O]

Yeah, he.

[A]

He doesn't have much in his repertoire, but it works every goddamn time.

[D]

I love how he crowbar it in. He set himself up.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Do you have family back home?

[O]

No, they all left.

[D]

Great stuff.

[N]

They all left.

[O]

It's a war torn country. It's messed up. Everyone leaves as soon as they can.

[A]

How did you avoid war there?

[O]

I got a free green card.

[A]

How did you get a free green card?

[O]

Diversity visa lottery. Thank you very much. Wow. Very much.

[A]

Wow. What year Was that?

[O]

Early 2020. I came in one day before Trump issued a travel bang.

[A]

Right?

[O]

One day.

[A]

Yeah. Well, that's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it is you got that green card during the Trump administration.

[O]

Yes.

[A]

There you go. Thank you, Tim. You're welcome, Mr. President.

[O]

You're welcome.

[A]

This guy. Thank you. Mentions the travel ban, doesn't mention that he gets to go to the greatest country on planet Earth.

[O]

Very thankful. Very thankful. It's a great chance.

[A]

Absolutely.

[O]

Becoming a citizen soon. Hopefully.

[A]

Let's give some credit where it's due. I thought you guys were known for your generosity. My goodness gracious. So what's the biggest culture shock for you coming to America? What did. What surprised you about America?

[O]

Dating.

[A]

Dating.

[O]

Pretty weird.

[A]

Tell us about it.

[O]

Yeah, because this country's huge, Very diverse. Like just last week, I went out with this real skinny chick. I wasn't sure whether or not she was bulimic, so I took her to In N out. Had to let her make the decision. Turned out she's normal, she's not bulimic. But she's so fucking stupid. I'm sorry, how to say this.

[A]

Oh, tell us how you know she's stupid.

[D]

Yeah, how do you know?

[O]

She's a history major and she asked me if BC means before COVID Oh, my God. She asked me if bipolar disorder means stripping at two different clubs.

[B]

Subs.

[O]

It's fucked up. It's up. Too stupid for me.

[A]

Incredible.

[C]

That would kill. In Sudan.

[O]

No, we don't have bulimia in Sudan.

[D]

No, they don't call it bulimia. They just call it being alive. It's very hard, difficult. War torn.

[A]

What's your favorite type of. What's your favorite type of woman? All the diverse choices you have here. Whereas in Sudan, I'm pretty sure there was just one thing on the menu there.

[O]

Yeah, one thing on the menu. But Sudanese women Are not too bad, you know. You know what's great about them? They don't show bruises.

[A]

Oh,

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So now that you're in America, what's your. What's your pick? Have you tried any of the Latinas? The whites? What. What are we going with nowadays?

[O]

Tall whites.

[A]

Tall whites, Tall women.

[O]

White women. Yeah.

[D]

South Africans.

[O]

I don't mind them either.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, we're tall whites.

[A]

There's other types of tall whites here in America, Sam.

[D]

I'm just saying worldwide.

[C]

You know, Germans. Germans are tall chicks.

[A]

Nordics, strong voice. Have you been with a German woman before?

[O]

No.

[A]

No.

[O]

Wouldn't want to.

[A]

I think. I think you might enjoy yourself.

[O]

Why do you say that?

[A]

I mean, it's. It's. It's different. I'm just saying.

[O]

Okay, we'll try it. Take your word, but I'll try it.

[A]

I'm just saying.

[D]

Have you been with any, like, plus size women?

[O]

No, not for me. Got a bad back?

[A]

It's not your thing, huh? See, that's a Sudanese stereotype.

[O]

It is.

[A]

That's an interesting thing.

[O]

They do like big women there, so.

[A]

Oh, they do like big women there. Okay, so maybe it's not a stereotype. Your family's all gone. But where are they? In America?

[O]

In Europe. All of them in Europe.

[A]

Okay. And they're happy?

[O]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Are they proud of you? Amazing.

[O]

My mother is very proud of me.

[A]

Amazing. Incredible. Mike, I love your story. I love to see you fucking. Absolutely have a totally great set here tonight.

[O]

Thank you guys very much.

[A]

Did you get a big joke book last time?

[B]

Small.

[A]

You got a small one? Well, guess what, buddy? This is where the hard work gets you a big joke book. All right. We're having fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Your next bucket poll goes by the name of J. Moody, everybody. Here we go,

[N]

Guys. I've been microdosing a lot.

[A]

Like, a lot.

[N]

Probably too much. Just a little bit throughout the day, you know? That's how they say you microdose. I've been microdosing cocaine. That's how you do it. If I could afford to macrodose, I would. I can't. They said P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube. P. Diddy had a thousand bottles of lube left. You gotta understand, LeBron is tall. That's a lot of baby oil. Just makes me wonder, like, the Oscars and the Grammys. What are these after parties like at? Epstein's dead and Petey's in jail. They gotta suck, dude. Those actors are like, I'm not going. The after parties. He's Only got, like, a thousand bottles left. This isn't gonna be that fun.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Jay Moody, welcome. Jay.

[N]

What's up, brother?

[A]

How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

Like, nine years.

[A]

Okay.

[N]

We're at Lake Charles, Louisiana, Most mostly through Louisiana.

[A]

All right.

[N]

Hey, there they are.

[A]

You still live there?

[N]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

Nice. So you came here just for this?

[N]

Yeah, a couple guys have been coming to this. They were like, hey, you gotta come. They've been coming a bunch, and this is my first time.

[A]

So what do you guys do? You, like, get in a car and then make the drive day of and then go back that night no matter what? Are you guys staying in town?

[N]

We're staying in town. We got a hotel room. It's pretty much six hours of just dick jokes and then.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Do you.

[D]

Do you take a car or do you take a fanboat? How do you get here? Little Lake Charles stuff?

[N]

Yeah, we took a Toyota Tacoma to get here. Oh, wow. Yeah. Four guys or three guys. And then a ton of backpacks for some reason, and then a bunch of fitted hats that none of them wore. I was in the back seat. It sucked.

[A]

Hey, There you go. What do you do for work, Jay?

[N]

Audio engineer.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[N]

At a sound company.

[A]

All right. At a sound company. Very cool. You married?

[N]

No.

[A]

Girlfriend?

[N]

Yes.

[A]

How long you been with her?

[N]

Four years.

[A]

What does she do?

[N]

She is a fine dining server.

[A]

Oh, fine dining, Charles.

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Not just a server.

[N]

There's, like, one of them. Yeah, she works there. It's pretty nice.

[A]

She naggy?

[M]

No.

[D]

What's the restaurant? Sizzler.

[N]

It's a very nice Chili's. Thank you.

[A]

Yes.

[N]

We have two for one margaritas. It's a nice establishment.

[A]

Amazing, Jay, how. Yeah.

[C]

Looks like a grip. Don't he? Like every grip at every production? Like, hey, what's going on? I'm doing stand up at night, too.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Cool.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Saying to me, yeah, he's.

[A]

No, he's got to look. He's got to look. This looks like it could be our second backup quarterback of the night.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[N]

It's the jogging pants that really do it.

[D]

Are those for jogging or No, I

[N]

don't jog, big dog.

[A]

I don't think those are jogging pants.

[N]

Coming from over there to over here. I was like, oh, I don't know if I'll be able to tell a joke. I'm out of breath. They're not for jogging.

[D]

No, no. You know what the they're for? Honestly?

[A]

Sleeping, perhaps? They look like pajama pants. They look cozy, though.

[D]

That Pocket keeps his hard boiled eggs warm.

[A]

Jay, do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us?

[N]

No, I play a lot. Bass guitar pretty well, but that's about it.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, I wouldn't know where we could find one of those. Jay, have you ever done anything crazy in your life? You ever, like, almost die?

[N]

Oh, yeah, A lot.

[A]

Yeah. Tell us about that.

[N]

I just. Well, I used. For like eight years of my life, I just did cocaine every day in Louisiana.

[B]

And that.

[N]

That's enough. I've been on, like, just doing bumps like, hey, stop the airboat, so we can do a line of cocaine. Because it's very hard to do them on airboats.

[A]

Let's talk about those. Let's talk about those eight years. So, like, can you take us through a routine of, like, what, a day in the life? Lake Charles, Louisiana, doing cocaine?

[N]

Well, I would say I was also working fine dining.

[A]

Ah, yeah.

[D]

If you were my waiter, bro, I would leave. All right, this is like.

[N]

This is also this. It's gotta be disappointing. Cause it was like members only places. And then they. I walk up, I'm like, good evening.

[D]

Was this before or after those guys from True Detective broke up your uncle's

[N]

sex ring during another eight years? Well, this is what I do. I just go to work, get cash tips, buy a bunch of cocaine, and then I wake up at home and be like, oh, that wasn't that bad. No idea how I got there. What I did. There'd be like an alligator in my front yard. That's pretty nice.

[A]

Wow. Louisiana cocaine. That's WD40 mixed with, like.

[D]

What is that?

[C]

Like.

[D]

No, no. In most parts of the country, they call it crystal meth, but there.

[N]

This is a long cocaine.

[A]

Okay. Your girlfriend, does she do cocaine?

[N]

No, no, no. She's a good person person.

[D]

She's a curver at a fancy restaurant. They don't do blow.

[N]

No, not at all.

[A]

Right. Amazing. Jay, before I get you out of here, what's the most interesting thing about you other than the fact that you did cocaine for eight years in a row?

[N]

Most interesting. I mean, surviving a meth town in Louisiana is pretty good. That's.

[A]

And you're still there. You love it there. What keeps you there?

[N]

I live out in the country. Nobody bothers me. That's pretty much.

[D]

I figured it was a judge.

[N]

Yeah, it's court ordered. I stay there.

[A]

All right. Okay, Jay. Well, fun times. You did it. You got up.

[K]

You did it.

[A]

There you go. Jay Moody. Everybody on to the next one. On to the next one. On to the next one. This guy's been on this show before. He has an unforgettable face. Make some noise for Derek. Derek Dimple, everybody. Derek Dimple.

[I]

Comedy Mothership. Makes some noise. If you're having a good time. Let me hear you go, woo. Let me hear you go, Aw. Tism. I have it. Could you tell something that doesn't totally make sense about me being on the spectrum? His my favorite kind of adult videos. Have lots of eye contact. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you fucking look away.

[A]

Thank you.

[I]

I'm hard as a rock right now.

[A]

Thank you.

[I]

I got four eyes. Look at him. Eyes up here, ladies and gentlemen. I got five eyes, look at him. Six, seven eyes, look at him. So now, from here to here, I just look like a hot lady in one of those Renaissance paintings.

[A]

Oh, my Lord.

[I]

Is my visage not pleasing to you? Thank you very much.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen. So many comedians we've seen have rough sets before, and then they came here tonight and got so much better. Derek pooling the opposite. Absolutely. Reverting back to a childlike desperation. Having the crowd make some noise an hour and a half into a show. Yeah, Mothership, are you with me?

[D]

Hey, I like your perm.

[I]

Thank you.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

God did that to him. Oh, God. And a few electrical sockets.

[D]

I do believe in the hand dryer in the bathroom.

[A]

Your glasses are so Sally Jesse Raphael.

[D]

I don't know if you know.

[A]

There you go. Wow. Crush.

[C]

Crush.

[A]

Totally. Keep going. Red band. Keep doing it. Keep saying what comes to your head tonight, Red band. You're doing so good. The Sally Jesse Raphael reference was amazing. You idiot. Shut up. God, I wish I was dead on an airplane next to you right now. Jesus fucking Christ. Put the mic down. Focus on the soundboard. Pick your moments. All right? Derek, has anything interesting happened since the last time you were on this show?

[I]

Oh, my God. I was in Vegas a month and a half ago and I had sex with three different people on three consecutive days.

[A]

Wow, I noticed you said people.

[I]

I'm a mathematician, Tony. I like to keep the terms as general as possible.

[A]

Okay, so tell us about this run you went on, Derek.

[D]

Oh, yeah, legendary. He.

[A]

Yeah. Just imagine. Imagine of all the regrets that people wake up with in Vegas. Imagine being a woman that wakes up next next to this.

[I]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Tony.

[I]

Look, I know I look like the Freeze Meister, but come on, it's the Heat meister. He's the Heat Meiser. I'm the Freeze.

[A]

Me.

[I]

No, I'm wrong. Wrong again.

[A]

Okay, how. How did you get laid in Vegas. Exactly. What are you, charm? Huh? Take us through. Can you give us an example of how you pulled this off?

[I]

Yeah, well, I got pulled off. But. Yeah. So? Well, Tuesday night, there was a lady who was interested in me. And I went back to her hotel room at the Strat. And she was a black lady named Mahogany.

[A]

Are you serious?

[I]

Yes, absolutely.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

You hooked up with a black woman?

[I]

Better believe it, baby.

[A]

My God. Right when you. Right when you think it couldn't be any worse for those people. Right when you think life couldn't get any harder as a black woman in today's society. Next thing you know, this is who they have on top of them nowadays.

[I]

On top to the side.

[A]

Oh, hell, no. I must have been up last night. What the. Looking like a Back to the Future ass. Oh, my.

[C]

Great Scott.

[A]

Oh, my God. So tell us about this experience with a black woman. I cannot picture this at all. This is crazy.

[D]

It's like a deleted scene from the Nutty Professor.

[I]

The Nutty Professor.

[D]

All right, easy.

[A]

All right, Derek, Derek, stick with us here. Answer the. Answer the question. So you and a black woman. Was this your first time with a black woman?

[I]

Yes, it was.

[A]

I bet it was.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

So what made her. Where did you meet her?

[I]

I was doing a show.

[A]

You were doing a show? And she's like, I think, was it for refugees?

[D]

Do they. She need a place to stay?

[I]

Oh, Derek, you are so sexy.

[A]

Okay, don't do it. Stop trying to be funny. It's not working out for you tonight. Let's stick with honest answers here. So you met her where? At the roulette table at the.

[I]

No, no, it was sort of. Oh, yes. Wait, what was it called? Hola, Habibi.

[A]

Doesn't matter. The name of the place.

[I]

Oh, it's like a restaurant.

[A]

There you go. So it was at a restaurant. And then what happened?

[I]

Oh, and then I got her number, and then we were texting and she was like, I'm here.

[A]

She invited you back to her hotel room?

[I]

She definitely did.

[A]

And what time of the night is this exactly? Ballpark will work, Derek. Jesus Christ, dude. 1am 1am 2am okay, and then you go to her place and what's it like? What's going on? She has the room to herself.

[I]

No.

[A]

Okay. She has a roommate. There's two twin beds there.

[I]

Two queens.

[A]

Okay, two queens. But enough about them. What kind of. The

[D]

man I was

[A]

so Latifah and. All right, so there's two queen beds. So there's two black women in the room. Am I Correct.

[I]

No.

[A]

Okay, there's one black woman and a Latina. Oh, a Latina woman.

[L]

Spice.

[A]

There you go. All right, and then what happens? Take us moment by moment here, Derek. The world wants to know how the you had sex with a black woman.

[I]

With ease.

[A]

Okay, keep going.

[I]

Yeah, yeah. Well, we were starting, we were talking, we were kind of getting cozy. And. And I was also like.

[A]

Let me ask you this. Are you. Are you standing. Are you in bed with her? You like, like sitting in the weird desk chair?

[I]

Well, first I took my shoes off.

[A]

Oh, bold maneuver. What the. That smell? Be. Yo, your feet be stanking. All right.

[D]

You took your shoes off at the door.

[I]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Crazy.

[D]

Yeah, but they were those weird toe shoes too. For climbing.

[I]

No, they were these shoes.

[D]

Oh, those are your.

[I]

These are my lucky fucking shoes.

[D]

Those are prescribed by a doctor.

[I]

They definitely aren't.

[A]

Okay, so you take your shoes off and then what happens?

[I]

Well, we start chatting.

[A]

Huh. And again. Where are you? You're just standing there. She's sitting on a bed.

[I]

Floor 14 of the Stratosphere now.

[A]

Again. Again. In the room.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, are you standing there? Is she sitting? It's. Hotels are so awkward, especially standing.

[I]

Talking at first. And then the shoes come off. And then we sit on the bed.

[A]

Ah, yeah, yeah. And you hear a little beep.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh huh. And

[I]

we're talking.

[A]

And.

[I]

And I ask at one point, is it gonna be awkward for her?

[A]

Uh huh.

[I]

Give me that dick. She's like, no, bitch, I've been doing cocaine. And I'm like, this is my room. Like, okay, cool.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[I]

She's like. She's like, if she was gonna get some, she would have got some. I got you.

[A]

Okay, Right. So then what happens?

[I]

Okay. Then her friend rolls over and puts the pillow over.

[A]

Ah, game on. Ah, yeah. The old self made burrito. A Latina woman rolled up in a blanket, pillow on her head.

[E]

And.

[A]

And then what happens?

[I]

And. And then we start fooling around. And. Great blow jobs, by the way.

[A]

Ah, interesting. You say blow jobs, plural?

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Oh.

[I]

Because the next night was also a black woman.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

You went black to black.

[D]

He can't go back.

[I]

Yeah, I did the night after.

[A]

Wow. Incredible.

[D]

So much confidence and swagger. I bet the second lady was very easy to bed.

[I]

I really.

[A]

Let me ask you this. Night. One condom. No condom.

[I]

Oh, no condom.

[A]

Wow. And where exactly did you finish, Derek Dimle?

[I]

In her mouth.

[A]

Wow. In her mouth. Very good. Absolutely incredible. So let's go to night two here. Night two. You're just out there. The. You got the Jungle boogie playing in the back of your head. It's a song. That's a song. He's got confidence. Yeah, that's all right. So night two.

[D]

The is going on here.

[A]

Night two, you're out there. Where do you meet this lady at?

[I]

I had met her the previous night.

[A]

Huh. You got her number?

[I]

Yes.

[A]

And then you were texting her as well?

[I]

Yes.

[A]

And then she invites you. Where. Where do you end up with her?

[I]

Oh, well, I hadn't slept too much the night before.

[A]

I bet.

[I]

So. So I'm like, I pretty tired, but we can go on a date.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

And then. So we went out to this spot, we played some pool and she was like doing a lot of. And I'm standing there.

[A]

She's all right.

[I]

She was showing her ass on purpose.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Oh, that was you emulating being sexy?

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Crazy, right?

[D]

Sorry.

[C]

You couldn't tell.

[D]

That's my bad. I didn't study mime though.

[A]

Playing egg.

[D]

She was popping that thing, as we say.

[A]

So night two, you end up back at her hotel?

[I]

No, she lived there.

[A]

She lived in the pool hall? No, she had a home in Las Vegas.

[I]

Yeah, down in. Yeah.

[A]

So you went to her actual house. A place where it would make sense to take your shoes off at the door.

[I]

Exactly.

[A]

Incredible. Yeah, same thing. Blowjob city or. Wow. Did you have sex with her?

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. And that's amazing. Okay. Night three. Tell us about the innocent white woman that got your.

[I]

Well, the lady from night two and I were at a bar and she wanted to get a third involved in the situation. And so.

[A]

Uh huh. And so keep going, keep going, keep going.

[D]

Yeah.

[I]

And so we. The sun had already gone up, the bar was 24 hours. And so then we drove over to Light 2's place. And then we had a threesome.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

You had a threesome. This is absolutely incredible. He. This should give every single human hope.

[D]

No, I think God is dead. This is proof of chaos. Reigning. You had a threesome with how many? With women. Right. Two women.

[I]

Yes.

[D]

Man.

[C]

Coming on Netflix, the billionaires kid.

[A]

Incredible.

[D]

You're having threesomes.

[C]

He's done. Listen to mom and dad. You don't care about the cat. He's the bad boy of the borgata.

[A]

What was the craziest part of the threesome? Was there a part where you were overwhelmed or amazed?

[I]

Oh, overwhelmed almost constantly.

[A]

Tell us a moment in which that took place. Was there something that happened?

[I]

But the greatest part.

[A]

Oh, that's what I'm asking about. You could just say it instead of resetting the Question.

[I]

White chick was riding my face and the black chick was sucking my dick.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Wow. Derek.

[D]

It's called the Austin Scuba Mask. Right there.

[A]

Incredible, Derek.

[D]

Well, I'm pissed, honestly.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I've been happily married for 15 years. I could be getting so much cool gash. If you're out there slanging gash,

[A]

Derek Dimple all that hot three days of sex, you're leaving here with a little joke. But congratulations, Derek. There he goes.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

Amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the ugliest human beings on planet Earth. Just out there, just everything that moves. Absolutely incredible.

[D]

Vegas is struggling.

[A]

Just a face. Oof. A face of shock.

[D]

It's like if Jimmy Neutron could molest himself.

[A]

Yeah, it's incredible, Sally. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Sheik Ahmed, everybody. This looks like a new name to me. Oh, my goodness. It's Sheik Ahmed. Okay, here we go.

[P]

Good evening, virgins and gentlemen. I am Sheikh Ahmed. I teach a one minute workshop to infidels. How to treat your virgin. First, bend your knees. Second, you throw the hijab at the virgin. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. And third, you dodge for anything the virgin throws back at you.

[A]

Honk, honk.

[P]

We have a saying in Mideast. An eye for an eye. And what are the virgins? They said, go to chick fil a. The chick fil A, that's where the virgins are. In Mideast, we don't have bring your child to work day because it gets too crowded at 7:11. Anyone needs a ride, my Ubers park outside. Thank you very much. I am not here to bomb anyone.

[A]

Sheikh Ahmed.

[P]

Sheikh Ahmed.

[A]

Okay, Sheikh Ahmed. I mean. I mean, you basically. Aren't you a funny lady?

[C]

No,

[D]

no.

[P]

I am Sheikh Ahmed.

[A]

Aren't you the funny. What's her fucking name? What's her name? What made you want to be a. What made you want to do this? Everything was good. You were. You're a funny lady. You're the first person to become a man and become less funny. Chic. Oh, God.

[D]

It's like I died on the drive here. Like, everything's so surreal about this show.

[A]

Wake up.

[D]

And then you come out in this insane. Great outfit, you know, it's very authentic. Yeah, great penis. But just all the effort put in without the jokes. It's insane.

[A]

Yeah, the look is great.

[C]

There's a lot of confidence.

[D]

Yeah, I like the confidence.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

I like a bold swing, man. I love the Harlem Globetrotters, you know, but thank You.

[F]

This is the kicker.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. The chest hair. Okay. I'm not exactly sure how to interview Sheikh Ahmed. You're a tough interview. I feel like I'm in Guantanamo Bay right now.

[D]

The wet T shirts over my face.

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Very much a waterboarding joke, ladies and

[K]

gentlemen,

[D]

We have a lot of Middle Eastern viewers now, and I want to make sure the jokes translate. So.

[A]

What made you want to experiment with this character, Chic?

[P]

I am being Sheikh Ahmed or I am being Sherry.

[A]

Well, I think. I think Sherry should step in here for a second. I think we should talk to Sherry. Very funny.

[P]

Well, I write jokes about Middle Eastern men and Middle Eastern women and whatnot. So I thought, let me give those those lines.

[A]

It's funny hearing you talk like a woman like that. Yeah. You should have just done that voice. This is actually much funnier. Right. So you're just experimenting, having fun?

[G]

Yes.

[A]

Yes. I love that. I love that. Have you done this other places, like open mics and stuff like that?

[P]

I just did this at Banana Phone last night.

[A]

Okay.

[P]

Yeah.

[A]

How'd it go there?

[P]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah,

[P]

it never goes okay over there. Like, nothing ever. The minute is not there for the laughs. It's just.

[A]

They want to roast you, right? Yeah, exactly. It's a Kill Tony ripoff show.

[D]

Did you change between gigs?

[P]

Well, I took these off, went to sleep, took a shower, and then put these back on.

[D]

You look great.

[A]

You're looking.

[P]

Thank you.

[D]

Very convincing. And I'm less than a foot away. It's like being in Dearborn.

[A]

Oh, and you're really Iranian.

[I]

Mm.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. And this is your take on Saudi Arabian, man. Yeah. Okay. Did you already have this outfit or did you buy it or.

[B]

I buy it.

[M]

Yeah.

[P]

For my own hair. I just didn't wax for a few weeks.

[D]

And, hey, Riyadh, between the lines, Red van.

[A]

I like Sherry. I miss Sherry. Okay, here's a little joke book for Chic, though. You can.

[P]

Thank you.

[A]

All right.

[P]

All right.

[A]

There goes over there. Sherry, Chic Ahmed, ladies and gentlemen. All right, this show's crazy. Anything can happen, ladies and gentlemen. Bye, Sherry.

[D]

You looked at me like, what do we do? I was like, it's your show, bro.

[A]

You got this.

[D]

I don't know.

[C]

I was. I was really confused. I'm confused. I don't want to touch it.

[A]

She's a funny lady. She's a funny lady. Yeah, but whatever that was, I mean, hey, what are you going to do?

[D]

Well, you know, sometimes spectacle is rewarded. She took a big swing on a big platform.

[A]

Hell, big swing.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

She Comes back.

[A]

Big swing.

[C]

Bad.

[L]

Better.

[A]

Your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of of Anthony Walton, everybody. Here we go. Anthony Walton. It's a real show. Anything can happen. Howdy. Howdy.

[F]

I just moved out of my parents house for the third time in my life. It's great. Cause I had to go outside every time I wanted to masturbate. Let me tell you something. Jerking off in a car really sucks, Especially when you don't own one. It's a whole lot of door jangling, you know, It's a whole new meaning to carjacking. Are y' all familiar with Clifford?

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

Hell yeah.

[F]

We got some readers here in the mothership. It's a good thing he was neutered, right? Can you imagine his big red balls just swinging? Destroying cities. That would have been catastrophic. I just lost my father. Don't worry, we found him. He was just in the next room. Dead.

[A]

Yeah. Anthony Walton. You've been on this show before? Yeah, numerous times.

[F]

My third time at the mothership, like it's been a year.

[A]

Yeah. Awesome. Much better than ever before. Correct?

[F]

That said, yeah, it's, you know, they've all been solid.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. I guess. I guess we remember them differently, Anthony.

[D]

Well, let's go to the tape, Tony.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, this time I'm like way less nervous and I'm like, I'm fucking ready.

[A]

So, yeah, that's it. So you agree that this was the best for. Very good. There you go. All right. Even though they've all been solid, this is dead. Parent night on kill. Tony, is it really true? Did you really lose your father?

[F]

Yeah. So Yesterday it was three years since he passed.

[A]

So what happened to him three years ago?

[F]

Heart attack. He was like 80. Oh, okay. Like 84. He was ready to go.

[M]

Go.

[A]

Cool. Awesome.

[D]

How do you know if he was ready to go?

[F]

Because one time he was like going out, my mom resuscitated him and he was like, damn,

[D]

get your hands off me.

[C]

What?

[D]

My 72 virgins. Wait, that was the last guy.

[O]

Incredible.

[A]

So, Anthony, it's been a year since you've been on the show. What's been going on with your life? What have you been up to?

[F]

Oh, man, it's been roller coaster, like breakups and then getting back together and then breaking up. And then now it's just like I went through like a depression phase where I was just like, the world's dark. I don't want to make people laugh and do comedy. But then I was like, I fucking love this shit. So like, and making people laugh. So I got back to it, and my fucking car broke down. And then I got a new car.

[D]

I don't know.

[F]

Just up and down.

[A]

So let's talk about it. Let's start with this girlfriend that kept breaking up with you. Why were you guys breaking up? What was the problem?

[F]

It was just long distance, basically.

[A]

Where's she at?

[F]

Back in Denton. So, like, where I'm from, so, like, three hours away, and so.

[A]

Three hours.

[D]

I made the drive today.

[A]

It was very easy.

[F]

Yeah, well, it was just, like, complicated and. And, like, tell us about it.

[A]

What do you mean it was complicated?

[F]

I don't want to put her, like, business out there.

[A]

I mean, this is the show that you're on, so. Okay. This is the life that you chose.

[I]

My.

[D]

What would your dad want? Cheech or Chong?

[F]

So she was also married, but.

[A]

Oh, there you go. See, that's great. Compelling stuff.

[F]

But, like, they're polyamorous.

[D]

Ah.

[F]

Sliding and stuff.

[A]

A lot of oohs and.

[E]

Ah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So did he know about you?

[N]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah, we're cool.

[A]

Like, okay. He was cool with some Eskimo banging his wife.

[F]

Well, he's also Latino, and so.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Hey, the roadie's here to you, honey. I'll be in my Oculus. Let me know. Yeah, let me know when he's done. I'll get the towel.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Have fun with the bloated Dave Grohl.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Say, stung by bees. The food fighter.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

So just anyone can get laid now, dude.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

cool.

[A]

You gotta get a divorce, Sam.

[C]

You gotta.

[D]

No, I love my wife very much. She's very pretty, but it's just. It's flummoxing. Looking at the data set that I've aggregated this evening. That's all.

[A]

You're about to say something there. What are you gonna say?

[F]

I was just saying, like, another literally shitty thing. I had, like, a wonderful Thanksgiving, and then it just ended horribly with just me shitting myself in my car.

[A]

You shit yourself in the car?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

So, like, take us through this moment.

[F]

So I got invited to this wonderful friendsgiving comics socializing eight shrooms. Ate food, like, wonderful time. Something I wish I knew was if you eat a fuck ton of cranberries, it works as a laxative. And I wish I knew this before because I was also a little drunk just eating these cranberries, telling people, eat these cranberries. They're delicious.

[A]

You're on shrooms. You're a little tipsy.

[F]

Yeah. Well, this was, like, after I came down from the shrooms oh, okay. And then I was just popping them. Like a pill popper pops pills. Just telling people they're healthy for you. They're good.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

And then I was like, I gotta go. And I was walking outside of my car.

[D]

So it was your car?

[F]

Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

And I turned around and I was like. I was like, if I go back, they're gonna know. And I should have just been an adult and in his house.

[A]

But.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

By the way, the shrooms had not worn off yet.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Just to let you know, they're all gonna know. I. Yeah. If I go back, I have to kill them all.

[D]

I ate all the cranberries. That was weird enough. Now I'm torches.

[A]

I was telling them that cranberries are healthy. They probably knew that, didn't they?

[D]

Everyone knows that. My dad is dead.

[A]

I thought I had discovered cranberries. I thought I was the first guys tried these cranberries.

[F]

They're covered in sugar. They're delicious.

[C]

Wow.

[F]

But.

[A]

So there you are. You're walking to your car from Thanksgiving. Is this your family's Thanksgiving?

[F]

No, my friend Spencer Boone invited me to his other friend.

[A]

Wow. Name drop. Shout out Spencer with the shit your pants. Cranberry. Amazing.

[F]

Yeah. So like sudden go home for the holidays. And then I was just like, I can make it. And I made it to a 7 11, but they're fucking cleaning it. And they wouldn't let me use the restroom. I begged. I was like, please, I'm going to shit myself. They're like, like, no.

[A]

You know, Is that what they sounded like at 7:11?

[F]

He was like, no, it's a lady. She's cleaning it. I was like, they won't let you. She'll get mad. And I was just like this, bro.

[A]

They lied for sure.

[D]

They saw you come in Thanksgiving pie eyed, covered in cranberry juice. You waddle in.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

That lady dove for the mop bucket. She's like, there was a flood.

[C]

So Tom Seeger's here on the road again.

[F]

So I was gonna take a shit behind the 711 revenge, but there was a fucking cop car chilling. So I was like, I can't get a ticket for this.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

And then I was driving and I saw a Circle K. But then it was too late. It just let go. It was like.

[A]

You saw a circle? You drove by a Circle K in your car?

[F]

No, like, as soon as I saw it, I turned and saw it.

[A]

And that's when it happened.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You started crying.

[A]

You're like, oh.

[F]

And it was like the first few seconds felt Incredible. It was like, yeah, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. See, that's what they don't tell you about in your pants.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

I back that. You know, if you drop a deuce in your pants at least once, there's

[A]

a few seconds before the shame obstacle, before the shame just takes over.

[F]

And then I still have.

[D]

But when you shit your pants, you're like, I'm the smartest man alive.

[C]

A lot of that. Your veins are killing you. And then I just need the restroom.

[F]

And then I still had 30 minutes to drive back home. It got cold, and then it just went two more. I was like, it's already too late. So I just shit myself two more times.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

They'll never know you've done it again.

[A]

What kind of car do you have?

[F]

2015 Honda Civic.

[A]

Okay. What color is the interior? Well, before black. Okay.

[F]

So you're saying, like, the thing. It was like, this is the second time as an adult I shit myself.

[A]

Oh.

[F]

And the second car I ever owned. I was like, this is fucked. And then. And then I had to, like, piss, so I grabbed a bottle. But it.

[A]

What's the point?

[F]

Yeah, it just. Everywhere.

[D]

You're wearing the diaper. Fill it up.

[A]

Yeah, but that's what I. I made

[F]

it home, but I live in the third floor, so I just had to waddle up.

[D]

You pissed in a bottle with your pants full of.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You are putting on airs, man.

[A]

That's like taking off your shoes at a hotel room. Pointless. Did you tuck your pants into your socks so it doesn't fall out?

[I]

Like, what happened?

[F]

No, it, like.

[A]

Good question from a professional pants pro. Tip from your pants legend, Brian Redband. Tuck your pant legs into your socks that it doesn't fall out in your hallway of your apartment building.

[D]

Get on your kicks. That's a veteran move.

[A]

Yes. The black belt of Brad Brown belts. Brian Redband, the. The Sultan of the Prince of Poop.

[F]

Yeah. It was a mess everywhere, like.

[D]

And it looked like blood. Right. Because of the Cranberries.

[A]

What kind of pants were they? Were they jeans? Were they. Please tell me they were khakis, please. So wait a second.

[D]

Don't let your eyes light up.

[A]

Those are the pants. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, what a legend. You are an icon. This is kill Tony. Wow.

[D]

I'm for sure keeping the pants.

[F]

I'm not made of money.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

I just watched them, like, three times.

[A]

Wow.

[F]

These were the shoes, not the socks. These weren't the socks or underwear.

[A]

Wow. But you are a legend, Anthony Walton. Absolutely incredible. One of the greatest interviews of the night. Anthony Walton, everybody. There he goes. That is how you. Your pants. If you're going to your pants, you multiple times

[C]

in multiple places.

[B]

Yeah, he.

[A]

His pants in different area codes. Wow. My goodness. All right, he might be his pants right now, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

This is.

[A]

This is a new move. There he goes. Anthony Walton, everybody. Wow. There he goes. He's still going. Everybody still there. He's still there, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes.

[B]

All right.

[A]

What an episode this has been. Did you guys have fun tonight? Well, I got news for you. There's just one person left, and it's the only guy that could possibly close a show like this. He has the record for all time appearances on the show, all time interviews. He's a living member of the Kiltonee hall of Fame, ladies and gentlemen. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery.

[M]

Yikes. That was kind of gross about that guy. Mattel Toy company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie, and luckily, this version still has those great tits. Okay, this next joke is for the ladies. You're like, hey, if they don't have Monistat 1, just get Monistat 3.

[A]

Yeah, that's like saying, hey, if the

[M]

video store doesn't have Godfather part one, just rent Godfather part three. Are you kidding me? One of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece. And the other one, it has its flaws, okay? All the ladies are laughing at that one out there.

[A]

That was it.

[M]

Somebody was telling me how much ice was in Minnesota, and I was like, yeah, it's January, you dumbass. This weekend I got a new Mercedes in Mario car. If you get hit by a green shell, it costs twice as many coins. The mechanic said it's the German design. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, William.

[A]

Lights out. Montgomery has arrived back on his royal throne.

[M]

It's been a while. It seems like it's been a little while, Tony.

[A]

No doubt about it.

[M]

It's been a while and I'm still not rowing. And I. I almost feel like I don't even need to tell you. I've discovered this new type of video game that I. Tony, I think it may be a retarded person or like a little child. I've been playing these games that are for little kids, I think, but I played them all day long. Tony.

[A]

Tell us about it.

[M]

Well, I've been playing something called Nuclear Gladiator 3000. I played it for three days the other day straight. I'm not even kidding. Three days straight. You're basically looking down at the map and you're this little person and you're shooting all the little characters around you and you're slowly upgrading your stuff.

[A]

Sounds sick.

[M]

Yeah, it's so fun, but doing that. I've been neglecting the row machines and I gotta figure it all out, Tony. I'm not doing great at the beginning of this new year, so I gotta figure it out.

[A]

Why do you think this is all happening? Why do you think you've kind of stopped working out and leaning on video games all of a sudden?

[M]

I don't know, Tony. There's a problem. I have some sort of problem in my head, I think. I mean, I'll be okay, but I. Oh, yeah, you're agreeing with that one. Red band. Nobody else said.

[A]

Oh, the old.

[M]

Why did you agree with.

[N]

Oh, you say.

[M]

So what's wrong with me then? Redband.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

Well, the game you're playing is not called nuclear galaxy, man 3000 or whatever you said.

[M]

Yeah, nuclear gladiator 3000.

[A]

It's called vampire Hunter or something, right?

[M]

Yeah. That's another one. Vampire Hunters. That's another fun one.

[D]

This is great.

[M]

Thanks for throwing a wrench into that. Tony's already been hating your ass tonight. I've been hating your ass tonight.

[A]

Anytime we take a little vacation like we did, he comes back, just terrible and needs a complete reset. Timing's off. Interrupting stories, asking absolutely the dumbest questions ever. But that's my buddy. This is my little. Everybody likes. This is my little buddy, everybody.

[D]

Anyway, are you doing okay with the passing of Bob Weir?

[M]

Yes, it's very. Yes. Rest in peace to Bob. Weird.

[D]

That was a big, big deal for you, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I think, based on how you look all the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

No, I always was a bigger fan. I think I'm gonna be more devastated when the guy from Blues Traveler passes on.

[D]

Hey, man, people keep sending me pictures. I look like that guy before and after, and it sucks.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

You're looking good. You've lost a bunch of weight.

[D]

Thanks, man. Yeah, you look cool too. I'm just so happy. Happy for you.

[I]

Oh, thank you.

[D]

Hey, two friends, you know, I'm stoked.

[A]

Incredible.

[M]

But, yeah, Tony, I'll figure it out. I'm just gonna.

[A]

Jim Brewer.

[C]

What do you think it reminds me of? No disrespect. When I see you, I feel like. Like, Ron Howard's, like, the one brother no one knows about is really angry.

[A]

I've got way more talent than Rodney State. Right. I'm the one that was A real director.

[C]

I'm just saying. Remember Gallagher? And you were like, who's this guy's Gallagher, too? Are you serious? Just. You look like out right now.

[D]

You look like Clint Howard.

[M]

Yeah, Clint Howard is.

[D]

Yeah, all right. That one duck liked the joke. Good.

[M]

Yeah, he's a real pretty daughter. I think if I was in that situation, it'd be.

[C]

Yeah.

[M]

Talking to her or something in the field.

[C]

Exactly.

[A]

So, William, we've been off for a couple weeks. Other than the video, did some idiots

[M]

say, oh, my God, because it was really funny? Or why did some idiot say, oh, my God right there?

[A]

What?

[M]

Did you not hear me? I have not been feeling good recently. And then I hear some dumbass and some kind of moment of weirdness right there say, oh, my God, I hope that was a nice. Oh, my God. Seriously, I've been on the edge for the past number of days. I'm not even kidding. So I hope that was a nice. Oh, my God. I'm not kidding.

[B]

It wasn't.

[A]

William, what would you do.

[M]

What did the idiot say it was and not.

[A]

What would you do if I surprised you by putting that guy in the trunk of your car tonight?

[M]

I would get the knife out of my pocket and I would stab him a couple of times in the stomach and then fucking wrap some chains around his hands. That's what I would do.

[A]

And then what? You'd wrap chains around his hands and then what would you do now that his hands are chained and he's bleeding from his stomach? Then what would you do?

[M]

I'm saying, look at you now, dumbass. And then do the fucking thing down.

[A]

Yeah, perfect. Drive over, bones. All right. There's nothing gay about what he's saying.

[M]

Yeah, there's nothing gay about that, Red man.

[A]

Yeah. What?

[D]

Why would you chain his hands? He's already stabbed in the stomach in the trunk of your car. It's like overkill, William.

[M]

Yeah, well, I do overkill whenever mad, and I'm mad right now.

[D]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[A]

I love you. Wow.

[D]

Is that from Poltergeist 6? What was that?

[A]

What do you think would bring you some joy, William?

[M]

I don't know. I need to get back on the row machine. I have to start exercising.

[A]

Have you been doing any puzzles?

[M]

I hit seven, and now I've hit a wall. I would like to start another one. I have a bunch of them. I've been buying them on ebay, and there's a couple of very nice vintage ones I've gotten.

[A]

I'm like.

[M]

Like, I'm just putting this one up on my dresser. I'm not even opening this one up because it has the original like price tag on it. I have a couple of those.

[A]

Okay. So hoarding, real hoarding, has entered your

[M]

20 puzzles right now.

[A]

Oh my goodness. What are they of? Specific type of puzzle that you're buying?

[M]

Well, the next one I think we're gonna do is Baby Jesus. It's small puzzle. That'll be easy, Joseph. It's the manger scene. I think we're going to do that one even though it's past Christmas. But I think that's the next one.

[A]

Nothing better than a manger scene. Late January.

[M]

Yep, that's what I'm thinking.

[A]

Almost.

[M]

Almost my birthday. I'm almost 39, Tony.

[A]

Wow.

[M]

Wednesday next Monday.

[A]

When's your birthday?

[M]

January 26th.

[A]

Wow.

[M]

Wayne Gretzky's birthday.

[A]

Amazing.

[I]

Gret.

[D]

I'll never forget it. Thank you. You quit rowing?

[J]

Yeah.

[D]

You were having so much time.

[M]

I was having so much fun. I'm very self destructive, so. I know, I know. It's really good for me. But then I really love deep down in some sick kind of way, I like hurting myself. So that's what I've been doing recently.

[D]

Well, it just looks like here in a row boat, you know. You look like an ancient mariner. I thought it'd be easy for you.

[M]

I know. Me too. I'll start doing it again. I almost went today and then I didn't.

[C]

You wear the Gretzky jersey when you tied them up and killing them in the truck, do you wear the jersey? Gretzky jersey.

[M]

Yeah, wear the Gretzky jersey when I'm beating his ass. Wait, what did the idiot say again? He said oh my God.

[A]

Or what did he say?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

You're really going to be saying oh

[M]

my God when I'm hitting you. And I got the king's jersey. Gretzky Kings jersey. Could you even imagine that? Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[M]

I'm beating his ass in the.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Get out here of him.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

What would be the last thing that you would say to him as you're watching the life leave his body?

[M]

Dude, you ain't never going to breathe again.

[A]

Wow. Willy. Ella Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Jim Brewer.com find the funny. Catch him on tour samtalent.com with two L's. He's on tour as well. Thank you guys so much for being here. So much fun. Thank you to.

[D]

How about the legend Jim Brewer, everybody? The legend Jim Brewer.

[C]

I'm just glad to be out of my house.

[A]

Come on. You guys can do better than that. The great Jim Brewer, ladies and gentlemen. Bluetooth, Shopify, Talkspace, sokobis, the best Sam Band in the land. The drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. Let's see what Chris drew over there. Oh, Jim Brewer, look at that. That's you. He painted you. That's amazing. Red man, check out Cherry root beer on YouTube.

[C]

Love you guys.

[A]

Yes. We love you so much. A lot of fun stuff happening. A huge announcement. A huge announcement coming tomorrow or last week? Last week. You'll see it. All right. Right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[N]

Sa.