#763 - JEFF ROSS

Summary

Kill Tony #763 – Jeff Ross (April 7, 2026)

Podcast: KILL TONY
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guest: Jeff Ross
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Episode Overview

This electric episode of Kill Tony features Roastmaster General Jeff Ross as the sole guest for the night. Broadcasting live from Austin’s Comedy Mothership, Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban welcome a rowdy crowd for a night of rapid-fire standup, irreverent roasting, and candid interviews. With comedians old and new pulling their names from the legendary bucket, the stage is a mix of upstart talent, peculiar personalities, and returning fan favorites. The episode’s tone is raucous, unsparing, and full of the show’s trademark roast banter—punctuated with emotional stories, edgy jokes, and a sense of camaraderie unique to the Kill Tony family.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Highlights

1. Opening and Guest Introduction (00:27–07:14)

• Tony’s Big Announcements: Tony celebrates Kill Tony’s unprecedented third sellout at Madison Square Garden and returning to Netflix, signaling the show’s unstoppable momentum (00:27).
• Jeff Ross Enters: Tony introduces Jeff with deep affection, calling him a mentor, “brotherly, fatherly super friend,” and shouts out Ross’s new Netflix special, Take a Banana for the Ride, and the upcoming Roast of Kevin Hart (07:00).
  • Memorable Quote (on roasts):
    Jeff: "It's gonna be the greatest roast ever." (07:10)
  • Roast Joke:
    Jeff: "You are the Nikki Glaser of Austin." (07:14)
    Tony: "That is the harshest roast joke I've ever had told to me." (07:26)
• Crowd Interaction: Both comedians waste no time roasting audience members’ appearances and energy in classic Kill Tony fashion (07:32–08:31).

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2. The Comedians: Stand-up Sets & Interview Segments

Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket, 10:13–17:12)

• Set: Tells a tale of flying with his drugged, handicapped Shih Tzu mixed dog—who panics and poops on a flight.
  • Memorable Line:
    "I haven't even hijacked the plane yet." (10:19)
• Interview Bits:
  • Describes how he sedates his dog with prescription cocktail.
  • Banter about his and the dog’s disabilities.
  • Jokes about the smell and the logistical embarrassment on a Delta flight.
  • Notable Quote:
    Tony: "What airline was this?" Martin: "Delta." (14:39)
• Roast Jokes:
  • Jeff: “You look sicker than I do. It's extra funny because I'm healthy—I just had my chemo port taken out.” (16:27, 16:39)
  • Tony: “You are unbelievable. The automatic party starter.” (17:12)

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Aaron Spaller (17:53–27:02)

• Set: Life transition from small town to city, observations on Austin’s homeless, and a punchline about using homeless people as “meat shields.”
• Interview:
  • Third time on show, describes doing stand-up three years (first in Michigan).
  • Talks about working as a valet; reveals he found a baby left in a car (21:03).
  • Delivers revealing and crass details about living without boxers or haircuts, and crashing into a tree at 90 mph for a job.
  • Admits to “giving up” during the pandemic:
    Aaron: “I just gave up.” (24:46)

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Vanessa Scuduto (as "Victoria Lang", 29:18–37:40)

• Set: Self-deprecating jokes about aging, sex, and shame.
  • "The shame I feel after cumming in the shower by myself." (30:10)
• Interview:
  • Describes being a spiritual medium, involvement in a “community”/cult-like group.
  • Medium demonstration falters, but tells Tony she can heal energies and shares a story about “healing a friend’s back pain.”
  • Notable Quote:
    "You guys are all divine beings. You can heal yourselves!” (37:40, Vanessa)
• Roast Jokes:
  • Jeff: “Also a medium in comedy.” (32:20)

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Michael Hines (38:30–46:03)

• Set: Jokes about getting cheated on, AI vs Indian scammers, and transphobia.
• Interview:
  • Discusses building debt from legal trouble, losing housing after complaints about weed use, prior service in the Marines, and former MMA instructor status.
  • Tony: “You seem like all your problems stem from weed.” Michael: “That’s probably true.” (43:55)
  • Reveals he’s gained 35 pounds since starting comedy (“Mostly eating at night. This is a sad thing to do...”). (43:30)

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Katie Carter (47:10–53:14)

• Set: Dark, edgy jokes about being “groomed” (sexually) and pedophiles with erectile dysfunction.
• Interview:
  • Moved from Denver two years into comedy, working in marketing, aiming for stand-up as the real “goal.”
  • Talks homelessness in Austin, jokes about shooting homeless instead of helping (50:01).
  • Roasted for driving a Hyundai, minimal décor:
    Katie: “I just have that one Target mirror that gives you body dysmorphia…” (52:09)
• Jeff’s compliment:
  • “I like that all your jokes were connected… You came up with an act.” (49:16)

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Chris Celio (Golden Ticket, 54:22–63:29)

• Set: Blind comic riffs about hoping for neural link “robot eyes” from Elon Musk, imagining “Atari tits” at strip clubs, jokes about Teslas getting vandalized.
• Interview:
  • Tales of tripping on mushrooms at SXSW while blind, dating struggles (“apps are just picture, picture, picture…”)
  • Describes going blind at 18 due to retinal detachments, only seeing in dreams (60:48).
  • Notable Quotes:
    Tony: “I notice you always have a great opening line that feels organic, and ride your own momentum.” (55:52)
    Jeff: “You came out, your minute was killer. I can feel that. I think you’re a really good joke writer.” (63:14)
    Chris: “Dude, you sound like a Sesame Street Semite.” (62:19, to Jeff Ross)

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Michael Scott (65:03–70:19)

• Set: Race-based Roomba (robot vacuum) jokes, pushing racial boundaries (“I named him Toby. Couldn’t name him Kunta…”).
• Interview:
  • Moved from Bakersfield, CA in 2013, now a valet, describes hooking up after open mics, decries lack of romance:
    Tony: “You would fuck whoever would want to fuck you, am I correct?" Michael: "I think he's right." (69:08)
  • Stories include dead salmon in his fridge, and a German shepherd left in a car he valeted.

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Eric Biggs (72:46–80:24) [Two sets]

• Set 1: Mocks Midwestern counseling ("just drink in the garage"), “scamming white people.”
• Bombs; Tony and Jeff give feedback
• Set 2: Jokes about marrying young, being broke, living in a trailer (“Can’t split shit in half.”)
• Interview:
  • Insurance salesman, raised by "successful" middle America (“Parents too successful for my life to turn out this way”), brother died in drunk driving accident (79:32).
• Jeff roast:
  • "I love your, like, super confidence with no talent at all. It's, like, amazing." (75:17)

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Davey Wester (81:44–90:57)

• Set: The original cerebral palsy comic blends redneck and CP humor.
  • Alternative HS with "lawn mowing as a course."
  • Jokes about people not noticing his CP, friends thinking he just didn’t tie his shoes.
  • Hilarious tangent into legal trouble for eating mushrooms in front of the cops (85:11).
• Interview:
  • Recounts moving from LA, fitting into Austin, bonding with Tony as a Comedy Store peer.
  • Jeff: “I feel like cerebral palsy is number 8 on the list of shit that's fucked up about you." (85:00)

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Victoria Lang (92:07–101:59)

• Set: “I’m a pole dancer—not a stripper. If I was, my name would be Miss Honey Bun… I really taste like nickels." (92:07)
• Interview:
  • From Connecticut/New York, now Austin, admits to being a self-proclaimed “hater,” does comedy music.
  • Musical performance: “Dating While Living At Your Mom’s House”—original song, leads the band (96:43–100:03).
  • Tony: “That was actually a good song… not just a comedy song.” (100:34)
  • Jeff: “Showmanship!” (101:05)

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Eric McLaughlin (102:42–113:24)

• Set: Absurdist bits about getting finger-checked by TSA if accused of a bomb “in his ass.”
• Interview:
  • Sells mortgages and makes movie review content online.
  • Comedic movie review banter; jokes about trying (and failing) to sell his poop for medical research.
  • Eric: "You do an IQ test [to sell your poop] and then send pictures… but I failed because I had diarrhea the last day." (110:09)
  • Shares Brazilian heritage and annual visits, refuting kidnapping fears.

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Jonathan Jernigan (Final Bucket Pull, 113:58–117:47)

• Set: Bits about being "mayor of the friend zone," seeing a homeless couple and feeling bad ("This dude has a girlfriend—what am I doing wrong?"), and Applebee's puns.
• Interview:
  • Houston comic, 8 years in, teaches painting for a living, lives with his widowed dad.

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Dedrick Flynn (Regular, 119:00–127:35)

• Set: Riffs about being the "richest homeless man" in Austin—landlords demanding he write an essay explaining his bad credit.
  • "Nigga, this is the essay: I was poor. Now I'm not. That's why I moved here." (119:47)
  • Hilarious contrast between “homeless dick” vs. “rich nigga dick” (121:00+).
• Interview:
  • Vents about the housing market and bureaucracy in Austin.
  • Celebrates selling out shows in Chicago.
  • Ends with self-deprecating jokes about being a “pit bull” and the struggle to get housing.

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Notable Quotes & Roast Moments

• Jeff Ross on Tony Hinchcliffe: “You are the Nikki Glaser of Austin.” (07:14)
• Katie Carter’s self-roast: “Timmy No Tits is my nickname around here.” (53:28)
• Tony to a performer: “You look like you play the organ at a vape store.” (07:43)
• Chris Celio to Jeff Ross: “You sound like a Sesame Street Semite.” (62:19)
• Jeff Ross on comedian confidence: “I love your, like, super confidence with no talent at all.” (75:17)
• Tony, summing up the show: “Sometimes you pull out someone that's real white trash...” (84:22)
• Dedrick Flynn: “Nigga, this is the essay: I was poor. Now I’m not.” (119:47)

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Episode Structure & Flow

• Opening Announcements and Host/Guest Banter (00:27–09:10)
• Golden Ticket Spot and Bucket Pulls (10:13–117:47)
• Regular Set – Dedrick Flynn (119:00–127:35)
• Final Words & Plugs – Tony, Jeff, and Redban close with sponsor shoutouts, upcoming shows, and heartfelt thanks.

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Episode Tone

• Live, uninhibited, irreverent and often edgy comedy.
• Signature non-stop roasting, crowd interaction, and absurd tangents.
• Genuine camaraderie and warmth during the interviews—balancing sharp jabs with respect for the craft and experience of the comics.
• Memorable moments of vulnerability, especially from regulars sharing real-life struggles.

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For New Listeners

Even if you’ve never experienced Kill Tony, this episode is a quintessential slice of America’s wildest comedy open mic—where the next comedic stars rub shoulders with seasoned legends, and where anything can (and routinely does) happen.

• Standout performers: Martin Phillips (crowd favorite), Chris Celio, Katie Carter, Victoria Lang (memorable comedic song), and the always-unpredictable Davey Wester.
• Essential Quotes: The burns flow freely, with Jeff Ross setting the tone for a masterclass in quick wit.
• If new to Kill Tony: Expect roast-heavy, at times very dark humor, and a unique window into the struggles, triumphs, and weirdness of chasing standup stardom.

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Episode MVPs:

• Best Set: Chris Celio
• Best “X-Factor” Moment: Victoria Lang’s comedy song/performance (96:43–100:03)
• Best Roast: Jeff Ross’s “super-confidence with no talent at all” (75:17)

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Catch Jeff Ross:

• Take a Banana for the Ride — now on Netflix
• The Roast of Kevin Hart — May 10, Netflix

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Next Live Kill Tony:

• Madison Square Garden, August
• Tickets via tonyhinchcliffe.com

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Jeff Ross]

episode of Kill Tony can be found

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV

[Brian Redban]

for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello there everybody. We are excited to announce, you know, we were the first podcast to ever do Madison Square Garden. We were the first podcast ever on Netflix and we're coming back to Netflix as you know. And now we are proud to announce we are going back to Madison Square Garden for the third year in a row, completely unprecedented, the world's greatest arena. Tickets go on Pre sale special two day passes available on Wednesday morning at 10:00am Eastern Time. That's Wednesday, April 8th at 10:00am Use the promo code KILL to 6, KILL 26 and you can get special two day passes or you can get a one night pass. But you might as well come both nights. You're going to be in New York City, make a trip to the greatest arena in the world, support your favorite show on planet Earth and see all your favorite talents of the future, the past and the present at Kill Tony live at Madison Square Garden. Tickets go on sale Wednesday, 10am don't mess it up. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode to Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitsburg. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Make some noise of the rain right there, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Oh my goodness, how excited. How you. How we feeling tonight, huh? Here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Brad do by Shopify, Toas and zip Recruiter. Oh my God, it feels good in here. How about one more time for the best stam band in the land, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Anachos Belgrande. The great Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys. And this, believe it or not, live in the flesh, is D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, what an exciting episode we have for you tonight. Before we get started, started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Ray Ban Meta glasses. Take the friction out of travel. Move through the world with your hands free and your head up. Hey, Meta, where's the nearest Metro station. Closest metro to you is Union Square about three blocks away. Hey Meta Text Mom, I'm getting on the train now. Sending message Juggle your itinerary, take calls and listen to music with open Ear audio. No digging for your phone, no stopping for a map. Just you and your glasses. Ray Ban Meta Iconic Style meets Meta AI Available at Walmart and other authorized retailers. Did you know if your windows are bare, indoor temperatures can go up 20 degrees. Turn the temperature down with blinds.com and

[Brian Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Brian Redban]

rules and restrictions apply.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks for listening to Kill Tony. Listen to and follow Kill Tony on Amazon Music or just ask Alexa play the podcast Kill Tony on Amazon Music. Also with the Amazon Music Unlimited, you can now listen to your favorite music, podcasts and audiobooks all in the Amazon Music app. Look, I've worked with some big names, CEOs, founders, Fortune 500 types, and you know what they all have in common. At some point they googled themselves and did not like what they found. Maybe it's a competitor narrative that's taken on a life of its own, or a bad quarter of your company that somehow became its whole identity. Or a leadership story that the press decided to write for you without asking. That's where Net Reputation comes in. And no, this isn't about hiding anything. This is about making sure that when the board, your investors, or your next big client search your name, they see the full picture, not just the one paragraph from 2021 that will not die about that time in a comedy club. Net Reputation works with executives, corporations and business leaders to build, protect and manage how you show up online because your reputation is the most valuable asset to you. More valuable than your LinkedIn profile? Definitely more valuable than that company headshot you've been meaning to update since 2017. Think of the measured digital PR team without the $800 an hour retainer and the assistant who never responds. If your business is serious, your online presence should be too. Visit netreputation.com, america's largest online reputation management company, because the only thing that should define your brand is is you. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Wow. Every single week I book it you've seen it before. Sometimes it's three guests, sometimes it's two. And then every once in a while you're on a night here, on a night where it's so magical that I have one guest that I love so much, that our chemistry is so good, where we roll with one. This is one of those nights. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you not only one of my favorite humans in the world, a man that I consider a brotherly, fatherly fucking super friend, but a genius who right now his new special, take a banana for the Ride is on Netflix just came out and you will see him on the roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th. Ladies and gentlemen, my mentor and one of my best friends, the great roadmaster general, Jeffrey R. Yeah, baby. You can get louder than that. Austin, Texas.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My man.

[Jeff Ross]

The best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he is ready to unleash the flame throwing power of another roast. May 10, the roast of Kevin Hart.

[Jeff Ross]

It's gonna be the best. It's gonna be the greatest roast ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is.

[Jeff Ross]

I don't know if Tony will ever be able to top his last set, but you are the Nikki Glazer of Austin. Thanks for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the harshest roast joke I've ever had told to me, by the way.

[Jeff Ross]

That's exciting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just gonna take that one, absorb it.

[Jeff Ross]

The best jokes, the most unattractive front row I've ever. Ice truckers over here. Welcome, welcome. It is welcome, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a wild looking crowd. This guy looks like he plays the organ at a vape store. Look at this guy. It's absolutely incredible.

[Jeff Ross]

This guy right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, look at him, dude, he looks

[Jeff Ross]

like he sharpens his head. Look, is this guy got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. The human dildo in the front row.

[Jeff Ross]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is amazing.

[Jeff Ross]

Like your head should be part of a car wash. The bristles. Jealous. Look at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He asks his. This guy goes in and asks his barber for the felt tip. Can I have an old paintbrush, please?

[Jeff Ross]

That's nice. Your poor name is used paintbrush.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to have fun tonight, Jeff. You've done the show so many times. You were with us in the belly room when barely anybody knew about the show. He used to let me leave the writers rooms early on Monday. The rest of the writers used to make fun of me going, what is a stupid pot? You think you get to leave at 7pm to do the some stupid thing? They would bust my balls about it.

[Jeff Ross]

Great memory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. You remember it when Tony would have

[Jeff Ross]

to leave to go do kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, and. Yeah, and they all thought I was just trying to flake out of work early on Mondays.

[Jeff Ross]

And back then in the Belly Room, there were, like, 80 people in the room and then another 80 watching on YouTube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you know how it works. We've done it all the way from the Belly Room at the Comedy Store to Madison Square Garden. Over 200 human beings signed up. They are packed like sardines in a dilapidated bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, and they get feedback and take questions from me and the roastmaster general, Jeffrey Ross. Anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or watch. We're going to start it with a bang. Ladies and gentlemen, I have one of the best golden ticket winners of all time, maybe the goat golden ticket winner, here to get tonight's show started, the automatic machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

What's up? What's going on? I flew with my dog, and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. You're blowing my cover. You know, I'm gonna get a new dog, get a drug dog and use it for gun. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at. Okay. I see these reptile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always the guy working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah, that's what I need, a motor when I had shit to do. You know, when I'm starting out. Okay, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay. The great Martin Phillips with exactly 59 seconds. Oh, yeah. Thunder and lightning as always. Is that true? You travel with a dog?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I don't always, but great. Set up to a story I wanted to tell, you know, Perfect. I don't always travel with them, but every now and then operating, it's like a short trip. So anyway, usually I drug him the fuck out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you do that?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, well, he gets a cocktail of gabapentin and trapezone. And it works. It works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And you, like, break this up. You're just a special. You're just the old trusty pharmacist over here.

[Martin Phillips]

I mean, the vet Told me. I mean, I didn't. I do our own research. How to end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He snorts it, right?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. Shove it in his nose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love. How long have you had this dog for? Most handicapped, Most people with a condition of any kind, if they have a service dog, they're taking that thing around everywhere. They troll it around with them. Honestly, I find it kind of annoying with my handicapped friends. You. I didn't even know you had a dog at all.

[Martin Phillips]

That bird, the dog has said you made jokes about it dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, what a piece of shit you were. I mean, that happened during my time.

[Eric Biggs]

Agree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That happens. Luckily, the dog was just tripping out on fucking pain pills or whatever.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, it was chill and. But. But usually, you know, he's like just, you know, high as fuck, you know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what kind of dog is it?

[Martin Phillips]

He's like shih Tzu mix. He's like a small guy, you know, and it's legs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything's operational. Or guys like twins.

[Eric Biggs]

We.

[Martin Phillips]

We don't have that. We don't have that in common.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're pretty.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys don't walk together through the airport.

[Eric Biggs]

He.

[Martin Phillips]

He's kind of blind, so he doesn't know where he's going there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. D. Madness. Laughing at your blind dog. You got to love it. You got to love it. Does it wear wacky light up glasses

[Martin Phillips]

like, D. Does it looks just like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, I love it.

[Martin Phillips]

But yeah. Anyway, so usually he's, you know, sleeping and stuff, and then we were on the plane and for some reason he started to, like, freak out or something. I don't know what was happening. He started to get out of the carrier, but I calmed him down. The drugs hit that two minutes later. I had like a hoodie on. I looked up my sleeve, I was like, is this shit? Yeah. Take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He took a shit in the carrier.

[Davey Wester]

Carrier.

[Martin Phillips]

During the fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

During the fight with you. Oh, okay. I thought you guys got into a fight trying to keep him in the carrier.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, because he was shitting. That's why we were. We're fighting. Yeah, you did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little terrorist.

[Martin Phillips]

I know. And no one said anything, but I'm sure they're looking at me like, I think this guy shitting. So

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you didn't smell it at all?

[Martin Phillips]

So I.

[Aaron Spaller]

If I.

[Martin Phillips]

If I leaned down, I could smell that. I definitely was like, oh, but there's nothing we could do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What airline was this?

[Martin Phillips]

Delta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Normally you can pick up a scent on Delta Southwest. It always smells like dog.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So people would have thought it was a Downgrade of. Of the scent in on Southwest, but Delta. That's interesting.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you in. Were you in business class or normal?

[Martin Phillips]

I think I was just Nora. We went the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So o.

[Martin Phillips]

Cool goes down back there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Literally.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

He lived up to the Shih Tsu name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, indeed.

[Martin Phillips]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's incredible. So you had it on your hoodie.

[Michael Scott]

Were you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you a little bit insecure after that? Was anybody sitting next to you?

[Martin Phillips]

Luckily, there was nobody next to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

Call it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would have been great if it was like a. An Indian guy or something and you're like, God, it's this guy over here. Did you turn it inside out? Well, good question. Shitmaster Brian Redband, the master of having poop on him, everybody. Our senior poop correspondent, Brian Redban with the tough questions. I just.

[Martin Phillips]

I just roll out the sleeve. Roll it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

What good. That is so amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jeff, is this your first time seeing Martin?

[Jeff Ross]

I'm. I've seen Martin before. Never this close. Does your dog. Maybe your dog thinks you're wet all

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the time, you know?

[Jeff Ross]

Well, he's always like shaking, like the way do shake when they're wet. Anyway, how much money have we raised so far? Such a. For such an important cause.

[Martin Phillips]

You look sticker than I do.

[Jeff Ross]

It's extra funny because I'm healthy. I just had my chemo port taken out a week ago. I got the scar right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love that joke.

[Jeff Ross]

I love you for that joke.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone is the healthiest I've ever been.

[Jeff Ross]

Well, I look at Bruce Willis if his trainer also had dementia. So how's my hair? Is my hair okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin Phillips, what a way to start the show. You are unbelievable. The automatic party starter, Martin Phillips has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He is the man. Hell yeah. And now for the bucket we go. You guys know how this goes. It could be an insane person trying it for the first time. It could be the future of comedy that's been signing up for two years in a row and waiting to get pulled, and it hasn't happened. It could be anything in between. We're gonna find out all together. Your first bucket full of the night goes by the name of Aaron Spaller. Everybody put your hands together for Aaron.

[Aaron Spaller]

How you guys doing? Hell yeah. So I've never lived in a city before. I've always been like a small town kind of guy. Just real simple, easygoing, like normal shit. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little Animal, some cute, fuzzy. And now here I just got all these homeless people when I first moved here, like I felt bad for him. Give them a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said Cancer can't work. How are you gonna use your zodiac sign as an excuse to being homeless? You're not out here because you were born in July, dude, That's insane. I'm working three jobs, struggling to feed myself and you just sitting. I was born in July. Can you help me?

[Davey Wester]

Like, no.

[Aaron Spaller]

Fuck you, dude. I try to look for the bright side in everything, I really do. And with having the homeless people here, I think I finally found it. It's like if you're out here on 6th street and anybody starts like shooting and they start blasting, we got a lot of meat shields we can use. I'm grabbing the guy in the wheelchair, I'm charging straight at him. We're going to be the heroes of the day, man. But I'm just with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there it is, the complete allotted time of Aaron Spaller. Welcome to the show. Aaron, how are you?

[Aaron Spaller]

I'm good, doing good. How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first time on the show?

[Aaron Spaller]

No, third.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Well, your looks always changing. Today you look like a full grown Chucky doll. So it's very exciting.

[Aaron Spaller]

I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Aaron Spaller]

May will be three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas.

[Aaron Spaller]

I did nine months in Michigan to start, then moved here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, awesome. And when did exactly did you get the overalls?

[Aaron Spaller]

Christmas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Christmas? You got them for yourself?

[Aaron Spaller]

No, my mom, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your mom got those for you?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's adorable. I didn't realize they made overalls for 6 foot 4 crackheads or whatever you are.

[Aaron Spaller]

It's easier to get overalls that fit me than goddamn jeans, man. And they're cheaper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Overalls are cheaper than jeans?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't that an incredible fun fact? All that extra fabric. But I guess when nobody wants them, it kind of makes sense. It's kind of supply and demand or something like that. Cigarettes. Hundreds when they cost the same.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, look how many.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a really great point. Our senior cigarette correspondent, Brian Redband, full of cigarette analogies. Aaron, what do you do for work?

[Aaron Spaller]

I do valet during the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do valet?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah, mostly tractors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John Deere. Amazing. Aaron, how long have you been valeting for?

[Aaron Spaller]

A year and three or four months, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the craziest thing you've seen valeting? Craziest or anything. Come on, there's got to be something wacky. I know you're trying to keep your job, but you got a car. There's something sitting on the passenger seat. Just a lot of shitty dog. In a carrier, perhaps, or something like that? No.

[Aaron Spaller]

Somebody has left their kid in the back seat. And I was like, oh, like. Like, baby, baby. Like, I started driving off. And how much did you get for it? Not enough. I'm still working there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I noticed that you called it a baby. Baby. That means, like, it's a. It's like an extremely young child in a car.

[Aaron Spaller]

Less than six months. Yeah. Like it's not. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What? What? How far did you make it until you realized there was a baby in the back?

[Aaron Spaller]

Halfway around the block.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Was it a dad or a mom?

[Aaron Spaller]

Both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Aaron Spaller]

It's the family man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah, it was weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And how did they react? Did you drove? Did you realize before leaving the car or did someone call you?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah. So, no. Every now and then somebody leaves the car. Something in the car. And there's the bike lane. So you gotta, like, watch that mirror. Real heavy. Look in the mirror for the bike lane. I just see the parents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, oh, oh.

[Aaron Spaller]

I'm like, what's going on? And then you hear them. I'm like, oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Extra crazy because they had to hand you the keys or something, right?

[Aaron Spaller]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you look like the last guy anyone would want to leave their little baby with. Luckily, you guys were dressed the same, so it was perfect. Absolutely incredible. Probably wear the same brand diapers, too. Aaron, what do you do for fun? What?

[Aaron Spaller]

I do for fun, mainly, like hunting, golfing, working on cars, going fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you hunt for?

[Aaron Spaller]

I've done deer pretty much my whole life because I was born. Raised in Michigan. That's pretty much all that's there. Deer, ducks, squirrels. Simple.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you play music or anything? Why do you look like that?

[Aaron Spaller]

I don't have an answer for that. It's just free will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Aaron Spaller]

Don't like going to get haircuts. Haven't had it in like six years. I just go for as easy as possible. Like, I hate putting effort.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us what else you do in life in which you're going for easy as possible. Easy as possible. You have one ply. Toilet paper. Jeff, what were you gonna ask?

[Jeff Ross]

Joke writing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, fuck. That's for sure.

[Jeff Ross]

It was so quiet during your set. I could hear the guy paint.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What other shortcuts in life do you take? You don't get haircuts Come on, there must be more. How often do you do your laundry?

[Aaron Spaller]

Oh, once every other week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah, no, I just have, like, all, like, those pack T shirts, so they all look the exact same. You don't have to try it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, give us another example, though. I kind of gave you that one. Give us another example of a shortcut in life. You know what it is? See, some people, they get pulled out of the bucket during this interview part. They don't want to, you know, they don't want to give. Give us anything good to work with. They want to look cool so they can show perhaps future girlfriends their amazing appearance on Kill. Tony. You might as well get that out of the way. So, like, what is it, a shortcut?

[Aaron Spaller]

I don't wear boxers ever.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there's just nothing going on underneath there. So those are true overalls?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah. Six years. Years? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What'd you say? What'd he say? Six years.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah. I haven't had boxers in six years.

[Davey Wester]

Wow.

[Aaron Spaller]

Or seven.

[Jeff Ross]

Haircut in how long?

[Aaron Spaller]

Six years.

[Jeff Ross]

What happened six years ago? What happened?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're cracking the case. Turns out this guy got raped by his barber six years ago. What happened six years ago?

[Aaron Spaller]

It was the pandemic. I just gave up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Aaron Spaller]

I mean, nothing like, serious. I didn't get diddled or. I was living with my mom. Life was easy. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Living with your mom, just free balling.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And she's like, here's some overalls, dude. Please, for the love of God, cover that up. Wow. That's incredible. What's your living situation like?

[Aaron Spaller]

Three roommates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three roommates. How many bedrooms?

[Aaron Spaller]

Four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many bathrooms? Four. Wow. Look at you. It's absolutely shocking.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah. We all got our own bathroom, own shower, own shitter. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

But y' all share the same pair over.

[Aaron Spaller]

Tonight was my turn. It's my night out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron Spaller, anything else? Absolutely crazy about your life. Who should know about. Before letting you go?

[Aaron Spaller]

I mean, I crashed a tree going 90 miles an hour.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You crashed a. You were driving a tree?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah, dude. Like a. Yeah. No, in a car. Into a tree. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay, can I take a guess that this was six years ago? No, it was.

[Aaron Spaller]

That would make sense. But no, that was 2016 or 17.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And where. This was in Michigan.

[Aaron Spaller]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And why were you going 90 miles an hour?

[Aaron Spaller]

Because I had this job where I was, like. I was there part. I was an auto shop and I was their parts bitch. So I'd have to run around and pick stuff up and I got too high and I missed all my turns. And they were on the phone just screaming at me like, you got seven minutes. If you don't pick this up, you're fired. Yada yada. I was on a dirt road and just floored it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[Aaron Spaller]

And then there was like a cross and this lady pulled out, stopped, and then just stayed there. So I just. It was either kill her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The tree, right? You decided. You decided to kill the tree. Yeah, man. Amazing. Let me ask you this. Did you end up getting fired from that job immediately?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So they were gonna fire you for being late, but running into a tree saved you?

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That seems like the story of your life, Aaron.

[Eric Biggs]

Smaller.

[Aaron Spaller]

It's something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Well, here's a little joke book, buddy.

[Davey Wester]

Little one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I almost made it into multiple pockets there. There he goes. Aaron Spaller. This is the bucket portion of the show. Very clearly. And here we go. We're gonna keep it moving here.

[Jeff Ross]

Seem like a nice guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. There she is, the lovely Heidi. Everybody has made it to the show. The one and only. Only watch your show. Love on the line. See it all. To your health to Jeff Ross, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, watch. Take a banana for the ride. Out now on Netflix.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you. Thank you for coming to opening night and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was awesome.

[Jeff Ross]

That was so cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So cool.

[Jeff Ross]

I found a cool picture of us backstage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's the best. You guys have to watch it. It's a heartfelt and hilarious one man show, by the way.

[Jeff Ross]

I tried it out in this room like three years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

I did some run throughs a couple years ago and some people earlier told me they were here. So yeah, it's kind of a full circle moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I love it. I love it. We're all doing it. Own it all. Pay off your home. Travel for life. Drive a Ferrari. In celebration of the world premiere of the Monopoly big board buck slot machine by Aristocrat Gaming, Yamava Resort and Casino in San manuel is giving one person a $1.6 million dream package. The biggest prize in Yamava's History Club. Serrano members can earn daily instant prizes and secure a spot in the finale. May 29th.

[Chris Celio]

Don't pass go and own it all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Only at Yamava celebrating its 40th anniversary.

[Chris Celio]

You win.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

[e-mail] must be 2120s. Please gamble responsibly. Monopoly is a trademark of Hasbro. Hasbro is not a sponsor of this promotion.

[Chris Celio]

You said this place was steps from the water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We just haven't found the steps yet. How much did we save?

[Martin Phillips]

Enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Enough to get lost. Or you could book a stay with Hilton. Welcome to your oceanfront room, just steps from the water. The Hilton sale is on. Now book on Hilton.com or the Hilton app and save up to 20% to get the stay you expected. When you want savings, not surprises, it matters where you stay.

[Katie Carter]

Hilton for the stay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bucket poll goes by the name of Vanessa Scuduto, everybody.

[Victoria Lang]

What is up, Austin? I'm an older broad, you know. It's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day, though, I'm reminded of it. The other day, I was driving down the road and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? All of a sudden I see the passenger. I can't bend over too far. Sorry. Pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking roadhead, dude. I used to do that, you know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me. He just doesn't know how to show it. What else, ladies? Titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing an accordion, right? A Shake Weight, right? We're opening a pickle jar. Maybe I'll use my mouth. If you're lucky. What else? Getting cummed in the face. That's not a facial, guys. It's not. I know. In your time, probably, but what else? Why does it always smell like bleach? I'm waiting. Nobody's been able to dispel that mystery. But the one thing I know that never changes as I get older is the shame I feel after coming in the shower by myself. My name's Vanessa Scaduto. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Vanessa Scuduto. Welcome, Vanessa.

[Victoria Lang]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up, Vanessa?

[Victoria Lang]

I honestly didn't think I'd be doing it this long. So, like seven plus years. I don't have an anniversary, but okay. Yeah, I know, right? That's the story of my life, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where have you been doing standup at? What hospice have you been doing?

[Victoria Lang]

Jacksonville, Florida, believe it or not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, okay.

[Brian Redban]

That's right.

[Victoria Lang]

Give it up for Florida comics, you guys. Dude, we are. We're the dude. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Winning over the crowd with a classic, you guys.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really turning around the moment.

[Victoria Lang]

Sorry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

After that set.

[Victoria Lang]

Forgive me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been doing it seven plus years. Do you get on Stage a lot.

[Victoria Lang]

I haven't in the last four weeks. Actually. I just moved to Austin, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, congrats. What made you move to Austin, Texas?

[Victoria Lang]

Actually, I came here for my spiritual. My spiritual group. I didn't come here for comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Believe that cult. Let's talk about it. Amazing. Tell us about this spiritual group. Yes. You were right. I knew you were gonna. Just like your parents and your. Your siblings told you, but.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, it's. It's really just a community. It's not like we have a different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It sounds like they are weeks away from a mass suicide, ladies and gentlemen. It's just a community, everybody. It's just spiritual. We just all wear the same outfits.

[Victoria Lang]

At least there's a record of this, right? If something happens. No, I. I mean, it's literally. You guys may have even heard my mentor. Her name's Sarah Reeves. She's been on the Night Owl podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. A lot of name drops and whatnot. Can you explain to us what it is?

[Victoria Lang]

It's. It's basically just a community of different practitioners of different things. We just support each other and we develop our intuition.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of practitioning do you do? What's your specialty?

[Victoria Lang]

I can do a lot of things. I can do medium work. I can do. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this sounds exciting. What type of.

[Victoria Lang]

I can do healing.

[Jeff Ross]

Also the medium. Comedy.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Ain't wrong, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ain't wrong. Oh, can we. Can we. Can we shout out to Davitel? I love it. The great bumping mics.

[Jeff Ross]

Awesome. What are you, the tennis coach for those?

[Victoria Lang]

You know what? I honestly didn't know I was going to be here tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That happens. That's the risk we take.

[Victoria Lang]

Signing up for a show to just sign up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Who told you? Your master at the spiritual group.

[Victoria Lang]

My buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Should have known you were getting pulled, being a medium and all.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't feel it in your.

[Victoria Lang]

I told him I was. I was going to get called. I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, amazing. Amazing. How you psychics always guess. I know.

[Victoria Lang]

We always know, right? Don't we always know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. I didn't know. I mean, I totally knew, but I didn't know. Oh, cigarette.

[Jeff Ross]

That's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a. You can't make fun of this. You see that cigarette just jumped out of my hand into a bucket of paper. I'm done making fun of you. You are an angel. I'm joining the spiritual group.

[Victoria Lang]

Appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Jeff Ross]

This show is on fire today.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

I just.

[Victoria Lang]

I just want to tell you guys, every one of you guys have abilities that's it. I'm going to put that out there. All of you guys do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what kind of. Let's. Let's flex this medium work right now. Because we never get to do anything like that.

[Victoria Lang]

Not how it's done, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I'll try Real master improviser.

[Victoria Lang]

You are not actually. That's. I can't stand improv, so that's my fault. Okay, I know. I'm sorry, but it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're crushing it. Right, Great.

[Victoria Lang]

Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything is okay. So why don't you do some medium work for us? What can you tell us about anything in this room? Do you feel any energies? Kino, give me a spotlight. John Dees, give me a little medium music. Medium music, John. Here we go.

[Victoria Lang]

I will tell you. There is something in the alley and I think some of your doormen have seen something. Movement in the back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there's.

[Victoria Lang]

Ask them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, hold on. No sound effects during this part.

[Victoria Lang]

Ask them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, ask him if he's seen movement.

[Victoria Lang]

The doorman have probably seen movement, like shadows. And in. In the back alley area.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You felt a presence in the alleyway there?

[Victoria Lang]

Well, it's. It's not necessarily a presence. It could just be residue, like energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. There's a lot of energies in the alleyway. Let's talk about inside this room. Keynote. Stick with me again, John D's. Give me media music. The is going on here? These. Are you awake? You put my keyboard player to sleep with your powers. My super stoned keyboard player. You made him fall asleep. That's incredible.

[Victoria Lang]

I know. Sorry if I'm flashing my twat. Any of you guys. I did not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Apology. Except. All right, here we go. Medium work with Vanessa Scaduta.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us something. Do you feel anything from the energies out here in the audience? I know they look very unhappy right now. That looks like.

[Victoria Lang]

No, I don't. I don't really sense anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, great. Well, amazing. Can you explain to us something that you've done before, Medium wise, in which it was a breakthrough in which everyone was like, wow, you're so powerful.

[Victoria Lang]

I mean, I have a daughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Victoria Lang]

I mean, that it's. I mean, pushing a child out of your coochie is pretty powerful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about the medium stuff?

[Victoria Lang]

I mean, I saw her before she was born. I knew what she was gonna look like. I don't know what else to tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does she have brown hair and. Brown hair? No, no, no, no. You saw a blonde child.

[Victoria Lang]

No, she does not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It came out looking like it came out looking like Jeffrey Ross.

[Victoria Lang]

Right, Exactly. The nose was a little more smushed, but. Yes, her nose was a little more smushed when she came out, but a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Why was her nose smushed from your vagina?

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, well, I. Yeah, I have a. I guess I had a tight womb. So you're trying to push.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, now, that is something I wouldn't have guessed. I would have guessed that medium is an extra large.

[Victoria Lang]

Well, I. I had her at a very young age. I had her at a very young age. Okay, so my daughter's in her 20s now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool. All right. Other than mediuming for the spiritual group, is there anything else before I let you go, Vanessa, for the spiritual group, do you have any special powers or anything?

[Victoria Lang]

Well, yeah, a lot of them. We can do healings and stuff. You guys,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

amazing.

[Victoria Lang]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What type? What. What have you healed before exactly?

[Victoria Lang]

Oh, like, if somebody. I know. This is. Dude, I knew I shouldn't have brought this up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's good. Vanessa, this is so entertaining. The last guy's a ballet guy that wanted to look cool and gave us nothing to work with. You're killing the interview part.

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, I'm sorry. You can heal almost anything. So it depends. Sometimes you can see.

[Davey Wester]

Well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Victoria Lang]

I would have to go into a lesson. Like, we have auras, and you can see when people's ores are broken. You can clear them for them, and you can remove certain energies. I mean, Yeah. I don't know. I. I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, but have you ever. Is there anything you can cite, something that you've done? Like, have you ever, like, was there ever, like, a person?

[Victoria Lang]

Yeah, my friend Scarlett. I helped. Helps heal her. She's an artist here, too, in Austin. If you guys want to check her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Her, like, spirit was broke. You just keep name dropping.

[Victoria Lang]

She had.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

She had a pain.

[Victoria Lang]

She had a pain on her back, and I removed the pain from her back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Victoria Lang]

So you can do that. I mean, but you guys can do it for yourselves, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I love that you all are mediums that have the power to heal you.

[Victoria Lang]

You do. You are divine beings. Remember that. Don't let this tell you different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Absolutely, Vanessa.

[Victoria Lang]

Love you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. You're nutty as hell. I love it. There she goes. Vanessa. Very cool.

[Jeff Ross]

Vanessa, you're divine being.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Jeff Ross]

You're divine. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Vanessa. We love all different shapes and sizes, and she was vulnerable.

[Jeff Ross]

She. Yeah, if she was. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like I said, I love it. That's why I. I say it so that the people watching the show that want to sign up at some point are good during the interview party. All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Michael Hines. Everybody put your hands together for Michael.

[Michael Hines]

I got cheated on by a Native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feed lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's because they'll make one video making in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one, they call themselves an Omega sigma alpha male. And those are just pronouns for frat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war because they're fighting a physical war of Pakistan, World War II. Are you familiar? Let's hope it doesn't go pukular. You know, every trans woman I've ever met has been mentally ill, so maybe they are women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Hines. Michael Hines with a strong dismount.

[Michael Hines]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You've been on this show before? I remember you, Michael. Always funny.

[Michael Hines]

Yes, sir. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have we talked about in your other interviews?

[Michael Hines]

Last time we talked about me sleeping with a torta at the north at the Nar Bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Torta. You don't know about this?

[Jeff Ross]

That's a sandwich.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In one way it is. It's also a very thick Latina girl.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, torta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very thick.

[Jeff Ross]

Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heck, yeah. Has that happened again since the last time?

[Michael Hines]

No, things have been bad. I need to find a new apartment. They won't let me sign my lease again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, tell us about that.

[Michael Hines]

Well, my downstairs neighbor called the cops on me over 200 times in the last year for smoking weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jeff Ross]

Came 200 times to the leasing office.

[Michael Hines]

Apparently weed's legal for now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, very interesting.

[Michael Hines]

But they won't let me stay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Do you ever run into this neighbor? Do you ever see them physically?

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah, all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? What do they do? They Are they mean to you?

[Michael Hines]

She used to yell at me a lot, but now I think the apartment told us we're not allowed to talk to each other.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, great. You love it?

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah. It's nice and quiet now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You smoke indoors? You don't have a patio or anything like that?

[Michael Hines]

No, I Blow it outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. So you smoke indoors and you blow it outside?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah. You know, they're not letting me sign my lease anyway, so might as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you, like, blow it out of a window?

[Michael Hines]

Mostly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when is Your lease up?

[Michael Hines]

69 days from today. I'm counting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. And what are you gonna do? Have you been looking?

[Michael Hines]

I've been looking, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm like $18,000 in credit card debt, so maybe I'll go back to New Jersey for a little while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And how would you. How would you save up money in New Jersey? Exactly. What would be the plan? Be there?

[Michael Hines]

I live near, like, a vacation spot, so in the summertime, I'd work there for a little bit, grind it out,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and then probably work in New Jersey.

[Michael Hines]

Well, nothing. I live in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the spot in New Jersey where is next to a vacation spot that's here or in New Jersey?

[Michael Hines]

It's in New Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what? You just said you would go there,

[Michael Hines]

work, and grind it out like a bar or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you have no idea. Try to make me look like an. I was dialed in the end.

[Michael Hines]

I have no idea what I'm gonna do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have no idea. How did you get exactly $18,000 in debt? You're a guy that knows that you have 69 days left on your lease. I'm guessing you're spot on. 18, 000 and some change.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, I had a DUI.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Tell us about that.

[Michael Hines]

It was when I first came out of the Marine Corps like, three years ago. But since the pandemic, they didn't do my trial for, like, two years. And then while I was living here doing comedy, I got hit with, like, $12,000 in bills. And now there's interest in bullshit. So it's been like another two years since then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

$12,000. Where was the DUI at? In Jersey?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, in New Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of New Jersey exactly? Jeffrey Ross is our senior New Jersey correspondent here.

[Michael Hines]

Long Beach Island.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, man, you're going to jail. Jersey. Jersey. That's Jersey shore. Jersey.

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Michael Hines]

I knew the cops had arrested me, so I thought I was going to get away with it.

[Jeff Ross]

How'd you know them?

[Michael Hines]

I used to be an MMA instructor, and they were students in the class.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did a couple things in this interview that's boggling my mind is the fact that you were both a Marine and an MMA in.

[Michael Hines]

I used to be in good shape. I've gained 35 pounds since I started doing comedy. Hell, yeah. Shout out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. Tell us how you gained the weight exactly.

[Michael Hines]

Mostly eating at night. And this is a sad thing to do, man. When you're not on the other side of the microphone, it's. This is a sad place to be a lot of the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if you see, but Red band's also on the other side of the microphone. He's also put on 35 pounds and a lot of that's three months. It seems like all your problems actually stem from smoking weed.

[Michael Hines]

By the way, it was an alcohol dui.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I mean from the weight in your neighbors, your apartment.

[Michael Hines]

That's probably true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much did you drink the night of your dui? Did you hit something or just.

[Michael Hines]

No, they just pulled me over because it was 11 o' clock on a Saturday in the summertime in Long beach island and it's a beach town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remind me again, how did the cop know you again?

[Michael Hines]

I was an MMA instructor in the classes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you taught him?

[Michael Hines]

Well, I mostly taught the kids, but I helped out during the adult classes. And I used to joke, you could never arrest me if you wanted to because I could beat him up. And turns out he could arrest me. Wow, he got me.

[Jeff Ross]

Did you say anything to him when it was going down?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, you know, I tried to do my best. They put my knee. Their knee on my neck, but you didn't see me complaining. But wow, they were scumbags. Cause once they were trying to book me a as fast as I can. Cuz I said we got to get out there and get more people. They were pieces of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, you could have killed somebody.

[Michael Hines]

Well, it was just below the legal limit or just above, rather. It was right there. So I was. We kind of should be allowed, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I see.

[Michael Hines]

It's an arbitrary number. That's close to it, but you were

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

smoking weed that night as well?

[Michael Hines]

No, I waited till I got home. I didn't want to get in more trouble.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, you waited till you got home so you could blow it in the a neighbor's vent.

[Michael Hines]

That is true. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Michael Hines, anything else crazy we should know about before I get you out of here?

[Michael Hines]

No, not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, perfect.

[Michael Hines]

Hell yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

This shows what people dedicate of their lives to be comedians. This guy was an in shape MMA instructor. Probably got tons of, you know, chicks and had a great life. But you're like, I have to express myself on.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, I know. Come on, at least give me a big joke book. I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, didn't you get one last time?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, but I wrote in it. I write all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You filled it up?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, dude. You hear how much I write?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Geez, Wheeze. Here you go. This guy's gonna sell it. Find that joke book on ebay in a couple weeks. This guy's 18 grand in debt. Handmade joke books by the Great bonsai [e-mail] your summer starts now with Memorial

[Michael Scott]

Day deals at the Home Depot. It's time to fire up summ cookouts

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with the next grill 4 burner gas grill on special. Buy for only $199 and entertain all season with the Hampton Bay West Grove 7 piece outdoor dining set for only $499. This Memorial Day, get low prices guaranteed at the Home Depot while supplies Last price invalid May 14th or May 27th. US only exclusions apply. See homedepot.com pricematch for details. Wishing you could be there live for

[Brian Redban]

the big game, soaking up the atmosphere of the crowd. But too often, life gets busy or the price holds you back. Priceline is here to help you make it happen. With millions of deals on flights, hotels

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and rental cars, you can go see the game live. Don't just dream about the trip.

[Brian Redban]

Book it with Priceline. Download the Priceline app or visit priceline.com Actual prices may vary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Limited time offer. All right, another bucket pool. Put your hands together for Katie Carter, everybody. Katie Carter.

[Katie Carter]

I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently. He was like, oh, was the guy like a real pedophile or did you just like, develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile or were you like, a really sexy kid? And I was. So you guys get it? I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day to get a kid to come into your van. And then you finally do and you have to be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. This never happens to me. Please don't tell your parents about this part. Specifically. This shit is humiliating and the kid has to console you. He's like, no, this probably just because you had, like, too much of the Eucharist or whatever. So,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah, right on the money. Exactly a minute from Katie Carter. Welcome to the show, Katie. How long you been on stand up? Two years. Where at?

[Katie Carter]

Denver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. You still live there?

[Katie Carter]

Nope, just moved here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sweet. How long Ago, like three months. Awesome. Absolutely incredible. Do you have it like a day job or something?

[Katie Carter]

It's like dumb chick shit, but just nice. Not only fans. I have, like a marketing job, but it's boring. It's. Comedy is the real goal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool. And you get on stage a lot around Austin? There's a lot.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah. I'm trying to get like six and seven nights a week.

[Martin Phillips]

Cool.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What do you do, like, for hobbies and stuff?

[Katie Carter]

You know, more dumb chick, I guess I just. Yeah, like running and jerking off, all that stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I love that. Incredible red man.

[Katie Carter]

I thought you'd like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Katie Carter]

Give you some material for later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're definitely doing the secret show on Thursday. Congratulations. Let me be the first to tell you. I'll still let him do it at the end and everything. It'll be great. You'll be real surprised.

[Katie Carter]

That's why I did the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's just incredible. Jeff Ross, are we gonna.

[Jeff Ross]

I like that you're. All your jokes were, like, connected. Like you weren't doing random shit. You came up here with an act.

[Katie Carter]

Thanks. Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Katie Carter]

Bars low. Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stayed on topic. Stayed in the pocket. Incredible. Katie, what else is going on in life?

[Katie Carter]

Just moved here. It's cool. You guys have a different. You have a pretty crazy homeless situation here. It's a lot different than Denver. It's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is. It is a little. Again, it's very concentrated like here.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah, well, it's different. Like in Denver, if someone, like, asks you, like, to get them something from a gas station, you're like, legally required by Joe Biden to do it, you know? But here you can just say no and fucking shoot them. So. It's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It is very awesome. We take it. Take full advantage of that.

[Jeff Ross]

Tony's like, there's only homeless people right here in this neighborhood. Not in my 18th floor penthouse. Yeah, there's no. It's like. It's only certain places I do. Not in my hot tub. Although there probably has been homeless people in your house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, we have some wild nights here in Austin. No doubt about it. Maggie has to wash off every once in a while. The lovely Maggie. Available at 5th and the alleyway between Nueces and Rio Grande. No, it kind of is, though. I mean that, like, there's like a. There's like a four or five blocks. Pretty much the street. Yeah. And. And they know, you know, it's like the tourists. It's kind of like Hollywood and Highland in. In la or all of New York City. You know what I mean?

[Jeff Ross]

This is the worst plug for the mothership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it is. Is true. There was a psychotic liberal mayor, I guess, like six years ago that built a homeless shelter right here on 6th Street, 7th street, and wherever the creek and the cave is. So like kind of in the middle of all the comedy clubs, there's just homeless people and then there's homeless comedians and there's comedians that have four bedrooms and whatever. What's your living situation? You live by yourself?

[Katie Carter]

You just under an underpass on. No, I'm kidding. No, yeah, I live alone. It's super cool. Thinking about doing H here soon, so we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doing what?

[Katie Carter]

Heroin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. Very good. But you have like a normal girl setup. You have like that fluffy white plain comforter and like, you know.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah, Yep. Red man's gonna think about it later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah? Oh, yeah, he's thinking about it right now. Oh, he's got something to say. Look at this. What kind of posters or paintings do you have on your wall? Posters. Yeah, they have posters. You could tell this guy fantasizes about a lot of 12 year olds over here. Yeah. My Little Pony.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have any art?

[Katie Carter]

Do I have any art?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you have art hanging on your walls?

[Katie Carter]

You know, honestly, right now, no. It's kind of sociopathic, but so sorry. I can put up some hello Kitty posters if you want, if that would finish or whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just have. You just have like one of those, like standup mirrors that you got off Amazon or something.

[Katie Carter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the one from Target that makes you have body dysmorphia. Keeps me going, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Jeffrey Ross.

[Jeff Ross]

Tony has. Tony has like Tom Brady quotes hanging up at his house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that you think that Theodore Roosevelt quote is a Tom Brady quote

[Jeff Ross]

because I get it, the man in the arena. But I tried to. I wanted to make it funny. It's inspiring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's very inspiring.

[Jeff Ross]

Every few weeks, every few months, Tony sends me the. The great Theodore Roosevelt poem, the man in the arena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. It is true.

[Jeff Ross]

It's inspiring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is.

[Aaron Spaller]

Do you ever had Hitachi?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Red band. You're not allowed to. Every time there's a pretty girl on. You're not allowed to ask them disgusting questions like that. It's wrong and it doesn't represent what the show is. Do you have a Hitachi?

[Katie Carter]

Wait, what is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's nothing. It's a television brand. Anyway.

[Katie Carter]

Katie Carter, will you tell me on the secret show later, what kind of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

car do you have? Have?

[Katie Carter]

What kind of car do I drive? What kind of car do you think I drive?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kia.

[Katie Carter]

Okay. You think I'm a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fair.

[Katie Carter]

No, I drive a Hyundai Elantra.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was the next guess. That's basically slightly better than ikea.

[Katie Carter]

I think I'm poor Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, probably. Yeah, very likely.

[Eric Biggs]

Timmy.

[Chris Celio]

No breaks jacket, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They actually call me.

[Katie Carter]

They call me Timmy No Tits is my nickname around here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. That's unfortunate. Katie, you are a true comedian. I see nothing but wild success in your future. Red band. Pretend like you're thinking about it. Here's another. On the secret show. You did it. Awesome, Katie Carter. Awesome. You're a dirty boy, Brian Redband. You're a naughty, naughty, dirty boy. We have another golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen. It is that time to bring him out. He is. Is incredible. You're going to love him. He's blind. Put your hands together for Chris CEO, everybody. Here we go.

[Chris Celio]

Is she even hot? I fucking can't wait for robot eyes. Goddamn it. I miss tits so much. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's gonna put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it neuralink. But he says the first version of it is gonna look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want Pong pussy. You know, I'll wait for Tomb Raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon that they were breaking and vandalizing Teslas. That's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able to buy one and drive it home. It'll be the happiest day of my life. Somebody will immediately spray paint Nazi piece of shit on it. That's fucked up. I'm not even gonna know. I'm just gonna drive around for two weeks like the happiest Nazi in the world. Like this. This smiling skinhead piece of shit blaring Kanye west out my speakers like I didn't even know there was a problem. Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. A true golden ticket winner. Chris Celio has done it again. Another brand new minute. Amazing stuff, Chris. I notice an amazing, amazing quality of yours is you always have a great opening line that feels organic and then you ride your own wave of momentum that you build. Is she even Hot with Heidi. I hope this is real, is what you said. Your first appearance on the show, and immediately I fell in love with you, because obviously you could be anywhere and it could be. It could be a bunch of people pranking you, and it's just so darn funny. For a guy that's blind, you hit it right on the nose every time. It is incredible. Chris, how's life going?

[Chris Celio]

It's going good, man. Just did fucking mushrooms at south by Southwest and listen to bands.

[Jeff Ross]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were the visuals like?

[Chris Celio]

God, I wish. Dude, give me one color. I would love anything right now. Dude, it's as black as D. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Amazing. Amazing. So what was. What was the band? What? You took mushrooms and you saw or heard what

[Chris Celio]

we just. Yeah, I do say I saw a thing all the time. Yeah. No, I. We just popped around random spots. Like, I didn't even know. I was just like, this is the best band I've ever seen, dude.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

Don't know their name at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. That was at a festival.

[Chris Celio]

Would you say south by Southwest? Just like. Like, random bars around town.

[Aaron Spaller]

It was cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very cool.

[Jeff Ross]

Very cool.

[Chris Celio]

A lady. A lady just was dancing with me and just was like, here, I'll put you in a better spot. And then just put me right next to a speaker and almost killed me. I was like, holy shit, you're gonna ruin my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Chris Celio]

I can't handle that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Chris, tell us more about what it's like being blind in this crazy world that we're living in. Or. Or anything at all. I mean, it doesn't have to be about being blind, but.

[Chris Celio]

No, no, it's good. It's like. It's a lot of fun. I was. I was dancing with this girl at this last festival that I didn't even know was there, and then she started trying to take off my sunglasses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Chris Celio]

And I was like, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Chris Celio]

You don't want to see those on the drug Zero.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

These are bad vibe eyes, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Chris, how do you know when you're done wiping?

[Chris Celio]

God damn it, dude. God damn it, Redband.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our senior wiping correspondent, Brian Redban, asking the tough questions here today.

[Chris Celio]

Give me a bidet. Sponsorship.

[Jeff Ross]

All right,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it is a tough question,

[Chris Celio]

but are me and D Madness gonna do a ladders match at WrestleMania?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be absolutely incredible. That would be incredible. Chris, do you ever go on dates or anything like that? No, I don't.

[Chris Celio]

Like. It's hard. It's hard meeting girls. Like, the apps are just like, picture, picture, picture.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah,

[Chris Celio]

it'll like, read me their bios. Girls bios suck. It's like Puerto Rican flag, Mexican flag. It's like they're listing their dog breed, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Chris Celio]

Only when I, like, bump into girls in the world, I'm like, oh, so amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And remind us, how long have you been blind?

[Chris Celio]

It's been like 10 years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you had, like, you had, like, easily detachable retinas.

[Chris Celio]

Super easily detachable retinas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it kind of happened before and then it went all the way off.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, yeah. I had like, one eye that, like, they had to remove because I just had like four retinal detachments and like, a ton of, like, super painful surgeries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you did see for a while.

[Chris Celio]

18. Till I was 18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So even when you take drugs now, like you did at the festival, say, you really don't. I don't see anything.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I don't get any visuals. I think my imagination is now dumber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Jeff Ross]

What the.

[Chris Celio]

What the was that? Dude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what that was. That was not red. That wasn't red. That was a John D's keys over there. So, okay, so there's no visuals, but you do have just. You only have your memory before 18.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, yeah. Like, I can still see in my dreams, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, that's interesting.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, but it's all shit I saw before I went blind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Chris Celio]

So it's like every night my dreams are the world's shittiest 90s sitcom. Like Blind Meets World or like Fresh Prince of Blindness. That one's weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you.

[Chris Celio]

I'm black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you take us through? Can you, for example, just like, take us through? Like, the most recent dream doesn't have to necessarily be funny, but everything's a 90s sitcom. What. What is like, the most recent dream that you remember?

[Chris Celio]

I'll have, like, stand up dreams about, like, you know, doing comedy. And every time it'll just be like, me doing comedy. And then I think back when I wake up and I'm like, that was my lunchroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. You hear that? It really is a 90s sitcom. Didn't work as good as I thought it would.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I'll just be like, running away from, like, monsters and it's just like a hallway that I knew from fucking ten years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. That's incredible, Chris. All right, well, anything else crazy we should know about before we let you go, Chris?

[Davey Wester]

No.

[Chris Celio]

Thank you guys so much. You guys rule. Dude, thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, Chris Dilio, you are the fucking man. Yeah, hold on.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Chris Celio]

Fucking Jeff Ross is here.

[Brian Redban]

Hold on.

[Chris Celio]

Dude, I didn't even get to talk to Jeff Ross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's talk with Jeff Ross.

[Chris Celio]

What's he hiding from me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why is he hiding from me? He's there the whole time.

[Chris Celio]

Jeff Ross. You look like

[Jeff Ross]

the one guy who came roast me. I love it.

[Chris Celio]

Now it's. Dude, you sound like a Sesame Street Semite.

[Jeff Ross]

I think I get it. Chris, what's your last name?

[Chris Celio]

Silio.

[Jeff Ross]

I'm gonna remember you. How long have you been doing standup?

[Chris Celio]

Like, 10 years.

[Jeff Ross]

So about the time this happened to you, you decided I need to channel it into something artistic?

[Chris Celio]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Chris Celio]

I was, like, figuring out what I want to do. Like, I was like, first semester of college and when I went blind, so obviously I dropped out of that. And then I was like, what can I do? And I was just listening to all you guys on podcast, and I was like, I had always wanted to be a standup, and I was like, this seems like something I could do with minimal effort, you know, like, yeah, just me and a microphone seems like. Right. A perfect amount of work for me, you know?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. But you came out. Your minute was, like, killer. That wasn't the first time you did that minute. It was the first time you did it here. You've been working.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah, I work.

[Jeff Ross]

I can feel that. And I think you're a really good joke writer.

[Chris Celio]

Thank you so much.

[Jeff Ross]

And I was wondering what color your shirt is.

[Chris Celio]

God damn it, dude. A test I will always fail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are awesome.

[Jeff Ross]

Give it up for Chris.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris Celia. Ladies and gentlemen, a true golden ticket winner has done it again. Absolutely incredible. Some things happen fast, like a vacuum finding your lost earring, a dog reacting to the word walk and settling up with friends. On the PayPal app. Send and receive money in seconds. Access your balance to send, shop, pay bills, and more. Download the PayPal app to get started. An account with PayPal is required to send and receive money. A PayPal balance account is required to hold and use a balance. Feels like every product claims real protein these days, but real doesn't start on a label.

[Jeff Ross]

It starts at the source. Like real California milk from California farm families.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's real dairy. Delivering high quality, complete protein with all nine essential amino acids to help build muscle, give you energy, and keep you satisfied longer. So keep it real.

[Jeff Ross]

Look for the seal, Real California milk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys having fun out there? If anybody wants the dried paintbrushes autograph, he's going to the restroom right now. The lucky hallway has a chance. All right, your next bucket bowl. Goes by the name of Michael Scott. Everybody, we're gonna keep it moving with the stylings of Michael Scott here. He.

[Michael Scott]

I got a Roomba recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's black.

[Michael Scott]

He cleans my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a sweet deal.

[Brian Redban]

What is?

[Michael Scott]

The black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives. Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I push clean on him, and he goes up and down the hose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mm hmm. Mm hmm.

[Michael Scott]

Mess will keep my batteries charged. The other day, I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby? I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over. I'm like, watch your feet. Kunta's trying to get by. So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hole and he's cleaning, and he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea. I get up and I go, the hell you will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody said you could take a break.

[Michael Scott]

So I got up and I watched him clean my house until he died. And when he died, I bought a new one at an auction for three

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

fifths the price of one of those black ones.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael stopped pushing to the limit of time with an incredibly racist set that only you could do. Only me. Amazing. You can get away with it. Yeah, incredible. Remind us all, Michael. How long you been on standup?

[Michael Scott]

Nine years, four months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine years and four months. Amazing. And most of that here in Austin?

[Michael Scott]

No, Bakersfield, California? A little bit in Fresno. I moved here December 30th of 2013.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, awesome. What do you do for a day job?

[Michael Scott]

I got fired from one, but I still have a valet job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're working ballet, too? This is the official show of valet drivers.

[Michael Scott]

I've gotten a lot of comics hired. Like, quite a few.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Michael Scott]

You called Aaron McPherson earlier. He didn't get up here in time. I got him a job there. But I noticed you called a different Aaron right after, and I thought that was funny. You called a white Aaron and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I pulled names out of them.

[Aaron Spaller]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Michael Scott]

No, it was like, yeah, I know it wasn't you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I don't know what happened to him. I didn't actually call them. I hand off the piece of paper, and if they're not, like, where they're supposed to be or whatever, then I have to pull another name. I know. It's not. It's not like rocket science or anything crazy. I know. There's a lot of. There's a lot of Conspiracies about this bucket, but it's fair pieces of paper. Oh, there's D Madness. Everybody, peekaboo. Your Roomba just came back. So, Michael Scott, tell us more about your life. What else is going on? Your Roomba plays a hell of a base. I gotta tell you. It is absolutely incredible.

[Michael Scott]

Did somebody tell him I was black backstage and then he came. Oh, I gotta make it back for this one. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what's going on in life, Michael.

[Michael Scott]

In life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a girlfriend.

[Michael Scott]

No, no, I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the last time you went on a date? Date?

[Michael Scott]

Let's say three months, maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened there?

[Michael Scott]

Not great. Just. I mean, it was all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You met her online or something like that. On a date, at a show.

[Michael Scott]

Matter hung out, got messed up and you had drinks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And then what? You went back to your place? Yeah. And then what happened? The her. Oh, wow. What a romantic. What a. What a romantic, man. Straight to insertion. Yes.

[Michael Scott]

I was already unbuckling as we were driving now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, amazing. And then you never talked to her again after that?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why is that exactly?

[Michael Scott]

I don't know. It's just. Wasn't feeling it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just a white girl. Yeah. Okay.

[Michael Scott]

What gave it away?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It could have been anything. I don't know. I wouldn't. I. I wouldn't be surprised about anything. I think you would fuck whoever would want to fuck you. Am I correct?

[Michael Scott]

I think he's right. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing stuff. And you met her at just a regular open mic, Shakespeare. And she came up to you afterwards and was like, what's up? Yeah, okay.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah, yeah. I've been kind of. I don't know, I've been doing comedy and then people come up to me and tell me, talk to me afterwards. Just lately, I usually talk to nobody. I just do my thing and leave. Now I'm trying to hang out and make friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you got drunk with this girl at Shakespeare's?

[Michael Scott]

I was drunk before, but okay. At Shakespeare's and other places I walked around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Very cool. All right, Michael, what kind of car do you drive?

[Michael Scott]

2019 Chevy Equinox.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. What's the weirdest thing you have in your refrigerator?

[Michael Scott]

A salmon girl.

[Jeff Ross]

He. Three months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah, she's thawing out right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael, let me ask you a question that I asked another valet driver earlier. What's the weirdest thing that you've seen inside of a car that you were valeting at the time?

[Michael Scott]

Guns, condoms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not in the same car, that's for sure.

[Michael Scott]

Different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Different. Nobody. Nobody with guns is using condoms. No way, Jose. That'd be absolutely contradictory to life itself.

[Michael Scott]

One person parked their car overnight, and they had a German shepherd that they left in the car in a crate in the bed, strapped down. He'd come out maybe every four hours and check on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it. It stayed.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah, and it was the winner, too. I. I was very upset about that.

[Chris Celio]

Was it like a Tesla that had

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dog mode on or anything like that?

[Michael Scott]

No, it was like a Dodge Ram truck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a German shepherd. Perhaps it was a Jew trying to get revenge for the Holocaust because it was a German shepherd being kept in a crate inside of a car in a torturous situation. Perhaps it was revenge for the Holocaust. Cost not. Still not getting the laugh I think it deserves. Can't really plan to do a joke like that. It has to just be served up in the air. You only have one chance at it. I guess that was my chance, and it's yet still not really connecting the way that I was hoping it was because it was because the Jews were held captive by the Germans in very tight quarters. Very tough situation. You said it was during the winter time.

[Michael Scott]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really doesn't get much more spot on than that. Thank you. There it is. There it is, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. We only get to laugh at good Holocaust jokes while Jeff's going pee. So that was our. That was our one chance. I'm kidding. Michael Scott. Fun times. Yeah. You know, tremendously rapid, the set. That's why you're leaving here with a big joke. Michael, I'd love to have you on the secret show, brother. Thank you, man. Thank you, Tony. There he goes. Michael Scott. We're having a good old time here tonight. There he is. I knew it. I. We're right on time. I didn't want you to miss this guy. Ladies and gentlemen, your next set, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eric Biggs, everybody. We're gonna watch them all together.

[Eric Biggs]

What's going on, Austin? I think too many people in this town, especially men, go to counseling. I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern. I don't believe in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. All right? You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your. So. Because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that. I do think I'm gonna start the Midwestern counseling service. That's how I'm Gonna go and reinvent counseling. What it's gonna be is you're gonna come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car. It's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac. That's illegal. All right, guys? That's what freedom is all about. And then we're just gonna talk and get drunk all night long, have a good time. And maybe as the night goes, you'll start to open up and tell me about the woes of your life. Then you'll look me in the eyes and be like, yeah, it got hard when dad died. I'll look you dead in the eyes. I'll turn up the radio and say, shut up. We'll move on. All right, I've been Eric Bates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jeff Ross]

Is it okay if I go to the bathroom?

[Eric Biggs]

That's fair.

[Michael Hines]

That's fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eric Biggs. I see why. I see why Jay didn't let you talk in all those movies. Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

I kept trying. He said no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Wow. Eric, how long have you been attempting standup comedy?

[Eric Biggs]

Six years of attempting Tony. It's been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Six years. What happened here? That's just a new minute. A tough minute.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, I don't know. It's been. It's been kind of working. I've been trying it around, but it did not work. All right, it did not work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six years. Where at?

[Eric Biggs]

Mostly Missouri. I started off in Columbia, Missouri, and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where else have you been?

[Eric Biggs]

Been here ever since then. Been down here about three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. Okay. Here's what I'm going to do, because, Eric, I'm telling you, you. I see it in you, dude. Look at you. You're built like a snowman.

[Eric Biggs]

I am?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are just. You have a beautiful round head. You have a round body.

[Jeff Ross]

He's built like a snow globe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think.

[Eric Biggs]

Except for I'd never have a carrot in my mouth.

[Michael Hines]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you could. They don't have it in that. That's their nose. That's their nose there. That's.

[Jeff Ross]

I love your, like, super confidence with no talent at all. It's, like, amazing.

[Eric Biggs]

That's what the Midwest is all about.

[Jeff Ross]

I love it.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living, Eric?

[Eric Biggs]

I'm an insurance salesman. It's the only thing that can be worse than sucking a comedy, you know?

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

You do this. You do that all day, and you go, you know what? I can eat on stage in front of people that can't be anywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just think that Pontiac thing for some reason. Did you. Did you did you write that in Missouri?

[Eric Biggs]

No, I wrote that down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I'm really.

[Eric Biggs]

He gave me an out. He said, take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna, I'm still, I still. And I might be wrong, but Eric, I, I. There's something behind those eyes. I think you can do better than that. I'm going to give you one more minute. Do a totally different minute. You got it right. You've been doing this six years. You must have a second minute. Whatever you think your best minute is, because I'm positive this is the only time that you've been in front of millions of viewers right now. No, it's, it's better than where this was going.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

[Jeff Ross]

Topics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What, what are some of your bits?

[Jeff Ross]

And we'll tell you what are your.

[Eric Biggs]

I got some stuff about marriage. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been married?

[Eric Biggs]

Yes, sir, I'm married right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? Just run. Just get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time. Reese, we're gonna start the clock. One minute from Eric Biggs, everybody.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, I, I just celebrated my one year wedding anniversary. Yes, it's, it's very nice. It's nice knowing you and still trick white women into making bad decisions. Like, my wife looked me dead in the eyes and said, our lower credit score sounds great. Who doesn't want to live in a house that has wheels on it? That sounds fun. You know the worst part about it is, is I got married young. So you get a lot of bad advice whenever you get married young. Like, have you ever just been about to black out at a bar? You just have some old guy sitting next to you and he goes, don't do it. Don't get fucking married. She'll fucking take everything. You just gotta look at him and go, I live in a trailer. I have nothing. Nothing can be taken. You can't split shit in half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. It was better. That was better than your first minute. Makes me wonder if I gave you another minute, if that would be better than that minute. So you live in a trailer?

[Eric Biggs]

No, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you in Missouri?

[Eric Biggs]

No, no. My parents were way too successful for my life to have turned out this way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. What do your parents do for work?

[Eric Biggs]

It. And a school teacher. Middle school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. And what do they think about you attempting stand up comedy?

[Eric Biggs]

Oh, they wish I made different decisions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they like that you're an insurance salesman?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah. My mom every time goes, it's okay, you can back out. None of them know you do this it's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. All right. And so what else about you, Eric? What would we find interesting about your entire life? Because you're not really white trash, but you're from Missouri. Kind of like a. Kind of like a. You were. You have an American pie kind of family.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yet you kind of dress like jelly roll.

[Eric Biggs]

Well, yeah, yeah. This is what happens whenever you go to a bass pro and go, yeah, that looks classy, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Know. Yeah, yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

A 35T shirt will look cool on stage, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You know, you could buy a pair of overalls at the same price. Well, I didn't know that until tonight.

[Jeff Ross]

What was it? Jay and Silent Blob?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. So what else about your life? You ever have anything crazy happen? You good at any. You have any other special skills or talents? You seem like the kind of guy that, like, wins at, like, a vape competition or something.

[Eric Biggs]

Oh, no, no. I smoke cigarettes like an adult. I would never. I'd never vape. What am I, a coward? Pussy? No, I. I don't know. I. I think I got into comedy, like, you know. Cause usually everyone comes from, like, a broken home or your dad beat the shit out of you or whatever. I didn't have that. I had a very normal family. I even had, like, my brother. Very cool, very supportive. I think that he saw I wanted to be a comedian, so he decided, you know, I'm gonna give this kid some trauma, so he died in a drunk driving accident to just really get me going, you know, down the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All love a dead brother. Drunk driving story. A lot of. A lot of tales of drunken driving here tonight. A reminder. We do not endorse that in the kil Tony universe, do not drink and drive. Absolutely. All right.

[Jeff Ross]

You eat and drive.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Seems it would be equally as dangerous.

[Eric Biggs]

Yeah, it's a problem that black out a couple times.

[Aaron Spaller]

Oh, yeah.

[Eric Biggs]

See the pter lights and you're like, I gotta go.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Eric Biggs]

I'm on my way home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Eric, we're going to keep it moving. Fun times. Sign up again. Keep writing, prove your parents wrong, and maybe take your time a little bit more. Don't try to squeeze it all in. Take your time so that people understand you and stuff. You speak perfect English, but you. You talk a little fast and words get together and then. You know what I mean, like, take it a little bit.

[Jeff Ross]

You're right. You're absolutely right. That's good advice. And also, I like that he reset and did a whole another minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you did it good. Y.

[Katie Carter]

All right, relax and let Ralph's Delivery

[Brian Redban]

handle your grocery shopping this week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We start with only the freshest items,

[Brian Redban]

then review your list and carefully choose each one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then we pack it all up and deliver it in as little as 30 minutes so you can feel confident it's what you ordered. Fresh groceries your way with Ralph's Delivery and pickup.

[Brian Redban]

And right now, enjoy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Free delivery on orders over $50. Ralph's fresh for everyone. Oh, my goodness. This is one of those special moments where someone very talented signed up for the show, ladies and gentlemen. This guy. I. I mean, I grew up in comedy with him. We were door guys together at the Comedy Store. He's been a paid regular at the Comedy Store longer than I have. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a very Cerebral Palsy episode of Kill. Tony. We already had Martin Phillips, but this is the OG from the Comedy Store now lives in Austin. One of the funniest people out there. Make some noise for Davey Wester, everybody. Davey Wester. Make some noise for my pal, dude.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, you guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy, people. You've never had it blended together, you fucking cocksuckers. Some of you assholes are gonna ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy, so I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is cerebral palsy? I'll tell you. It's superpowers and large tallywacker cocksucker. That's people like. Like when people ask me how to spell it. Cause everybody's inquisitive as fuck. Does it look like I ever want a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school. We had lawn mowing as a course. Fucking dickhead. Because they knew I was gonna fucking go to court sometime in my life. I don't know, man. Like, some of you have jobs that you dream about hitting a telephone pole as you go to work. You're like, man, I got six days of PTO and I could just take this light pole right now if I have to talk to Al one more time about his mental health.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Him. Keep going, Davey. Just keep going for a bit. Keep going.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, I'm gonna keep going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just keep going.

[Davey Wester]

You know how you know it's a shitty job when they tell you it's like, your family? I avoid my family. My uncle is king tweaker that steals kid bikes on Tuesday. All right. If you ever talk to my uncle with a Batman rv and you'd be like, hey, Dave, why don't you get your life together. He'll tell you he's fighting capitalism. And I think Batman lost that cause he's fucking homeless. That's just. You want me to do some more time or. Yeah. I don't know, man. Like. And where I grew up, people didn't really know I had cerebral palsy because I'm from a town where people watch parallel parking. And yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's.

[Davey Wester]

I mean, one of my best friends didn't know I had cerebral palsy until she came to a copy. She goes, davey, I didn't know you had cerebral palsy. I was like, shannon, what do you think I had? She goes, I thought you just didn't tie your shoes tight enough. That's.

[Jeff Ross]

Davey. You killed tonight, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Killed tonight. Oh, my God.

[Davey Wester]

What's up, boys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Jeff Ross]

See you, my man. Good to see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is what I love about this show. Show is that sometimes you pull out someone that's real white trash.

[Davey Wester]

No, like the. With the bass pro. I heard that little. I wanted to fight him. Tony. Don't take my 77 Fleetwood away from me, you son of a.

[Jeff Ross]

Like, I feel like cerebral palsy is like number eight on the list of shit that's fucked up about you. Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's not even a bit, right?

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, there's a lot of fucked up shit about me right now. That's why I'm on probation right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are?

[Davey Wester]

Yeah. Well, so I decided to get. I was up in Minnesota and I. Like, I went to go sit in my car. Cause I had little drunk. And then I had nine cops arrest me. And like, when you're getting arrested, Jeff, don't have the fuck it button in your head. Because I had a pocket full of mushrooms in my pocket and I decided I was gonna eat them right in front of the fucking cop. If I'm going to detox, I'm going in there high. That's.

[Jeff Ross]

Might as well enjoy it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is a master class with Davey Wester.

[Brian Redban]

I love Davey.

[Chris Celio]

You have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have your buttons mismatched. Oh, yeah. That is incredible.

[Davey Wester]

You go. Your AI robot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Be nice. She's Korean, you racist.

[Davey Wester]

Can you give me two golden tickets, cuz?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari.

[Davey Wester]

Maddy's.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

He.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He.

[Davey Wester]

If I get that, he'll take me to the wellness this clinic and help me out. Like, I won't have cerebral PAs anymore. I'd just be a downsy some or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think there's enough stem cells in the world to balance you out, baby.

[Davey Wester]

No, I get you. I get you. I like seeing Blind people. I don't trust you. But,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Davey, you are on fire. What I love. I mean, I love Davey Wester. I mean, this guy was one of the door guys at the Comedy Store. When I got safe, it was.

[Davey Wester]

They had crippled people doing security.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. It's a testament to the times. This comedy store in 2007 was a dark, dark place with a lot of very pessimistic, negative people. And you were roommates with a lot of them. Them and you.

[Davey Wester]

Oh, please don't. Like. Yeah, oh, you want to talk about cokehead?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Like, I mean, the. The. The crew was absolutely insane that you lived with. And meanwhile, you were always funny somehow. You were almost always positive and optimistic in a very, very dark time. And it meant the world to me. And the guys that I started with that were in our extremely early 20s starting out there, we always looked up to. Believe it or not, we looked up to Davey.

[Davey Wester]

That's a sad state of affairs when I'm a hero.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But here in Austin, you're absolutely thriving. You got out of la and you've, like, kind of become a rock star here in Austin. People are able to find you and see you, and you're selling tickets and stuff. Tell us more about your life here in Texas.

[Davey Wester]

Well, me and Holdsman went to a rodeo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine if even if there weren't bulls there, I would go to the rodeo just to see what you and Holtzman were doing together. Well, it started off, what could go wrong? That's like O.J. and Cosby sharing a cell together.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah, well, he went to the wrong place. He thought my apartment was this abortion clinic, because that's what. Then he. I don't know. It was just crazy. Holtzman bought a bunch of shit, yelled at me a bunch. He told me. He yelled at me for not having a handicap FL record that I carry around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He thought he was gonna get good parking. Yeah, that's why he brought you. Oh, my God.

[Brian Redban]

Bring it.

[Davey Wester]

Everywhere we went, he goes, I have a handicap. I have a handicap.

[Chris Celio]

My God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. I almost fainted just then. Oh, God. I really picked. You're not. Tell these people. It's just so that you know why I'm laughing so hard. Tell them you're not kidding. I know you're not kidding.

[Davey Wester]

All these stories are true. So you can. You can look it up, go to Ephrata Washington, and you'll be like, oh, this is the. What they look like. Just so you understand, Drew Mickens is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

from my area, too, so, yes, that is True. Anytime I see somebody that I've blown a few people's minds like this, I'll be like, where are you from? They're like the state of Washington. And if I notice if their eyes are ever not aligned, like if they have one eye here and one eye there, I'll be like, you're from near Euphrate. And they're like, how do you know that? It always blows their minds, but they just have to keep an eye on offset eyes from Washington.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah. You just have to, like, you have to understand there's a nuclear plant. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, yeah, I love it, Davey. I mean, you are just one of my favorite types of stories because, you know, you're not an actor, you're not a writer, you're not a dance, you're not a sketch, you're not, you're not trying all these things. You're a pure stand up comedian. The kind of guy that I just love to drink with and hang out with and whatever. You know what I mean?

[Davey Wester]

Eat mushrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, maybe I don't think I could eat mushrooms with you, Davey. I kind of, I'm very, I'm highly, I'm highly sensitive already. The buttons thing alone would me up the entire time. First thing I would do is I'd be like, davey, get over here, Let me fix this for you.

[Chris Celio]

Take off his clothes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got, I got a pair of overalls. It was very cheap.

[Davey Wester]

No, I, I tried the overall thing. That didn't really work out for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened? Well, yeah, when you don't button those correctly, everything thing comes out.

[Davey Wester]

Yeah. And I'm fine with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Davey, if you're in town, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. You are the man, Davey Wester. And now the world knows about it. So cool that you signed up for this show. Amazing. What an honor that you signed up for my crazy show. One more time for Davey Wester, everybody. It's been doing comedy like at least 20 years. One of the first people boy I ever met in la. He's the man. He's the man. The original, the original cerebral palsy super powerful comedian cleanser, Heidi. Yeah, the. The sage of the room to get your penises out from inside of you. After staring at Davey Wester for 10 minutes, here's the lovely Heidi here to reset your testosterone levels. Everybody go to heidy regina.com. it's all good. Oh, you got it. Okay, there's a 50. 50 shot at it. How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, everybody? All right, back to the Bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next Bucket poll goes by the name of Victoria Lang. Victoria Lang, our third female of the night.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

So I'm a pole dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper, and I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name like Miss Honey Bun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm dense, and after a couple bites, I really taste like nickels. It's like a cup holder. A loose change. Yeah. I have a boyfriend, and he's a little bit of a freak, so he likes it. He's into this thing. It's called sounding. It's when you shove something in your dick. Yeah. At first I was like, ugh, Too.

[Eric Biggs]

I was like.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

But he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this.

[Katie Carter]

Eh.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go, eh? In the fucking fan. It's so beautiful. I've been calling him Urethra Franklin. And our relationship's been great. Our relationship's been great ever since.

[Victoria Lang]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, 55 seconds from Victoria Lang. Welcome to the show, Victoria.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your first time on.

[Davey Wester]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been on stand up?

[Victoria Lang]

Three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

No, I'm from Connecticut, slash New York. I do a lot of comedy over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what part of Connecticut? Exactly?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Like Hartford County.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. There's a fun fact about Connecticut. While it is literally a freeway, the state is a freeway. There's a very, very, very, extremely fancy part. Greenwich. And around there, where, of course, like, you know, the McMahons live and the WWE started, and then there's where you're from, right?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Yeah. Not over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Tell us what it's like growing up in the hood of Connecticut.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

It's like. It's the shit. It's got a lot of stuff going on over there. I mean, it's. We. I would say we have the best comedy, I think, in. In that part of Connecticut, you know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There are a lot more in Connecticut.

[Eric McLaughlin]

You have the best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Best part of. You have the best comedy in Connecticut

[Vanessa Scuduto]

in that part, you know, because they're all kind of pieces of like, me. Yeah. So they get me more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Wouldn't you call yourself a piece of. What do you mean? What are some piece. What are some shitty things about Victoria Lang? Give us the dirt.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Some shitty things about me, other than

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

your nickel,

[Vanessa Scuduto]

I would say that one's pretty standout. That one's pretty standout. I. I'm kind of like, I'm a little bit of a hater self, admittedly, and I say a lot of things and I regret it immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I go, I regret that when you. Are you talking about like online or just like.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

No, in person, I'll be like, ah, that person's a. And then I go, oh, why'd I say that type of thing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah. Has that ever backfired on you? Is it?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Yeah, everybody hates me. I'm like Connecticut's most hated, so that's what happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. But your boyfriend likes you.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

He loves me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with him?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

I've been with him for two years and he. He's a comedian as well, so he gets it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys live here now?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

No, we're just visiting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Did he sign up as well?

[Martin Phillips]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, we'll talk about that in a second. You're a pole dancer? How long have you been pole dancing for?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

I've been pole dancing. You know, I'm about as good as pole dancing as I am at comedy, to put it that way.

[Davey Wester]

Okay.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. So you fall a lot?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Yeah, I'm falling, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. But you make it to the top of the pole in the bottom of the pole. Cuz you. You're bipolar.

[Jeff Ross]

Do you ever straddle the microphone stand?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

I have. Usually I'm a lot more active. I do kind of something like that, but I think I got. Tony made me nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's okay. It's all right. Don't be nervous around me.

[Brian Redban]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What could I possibly say about you that you haven't already thought about yourself? That's correct. Victoria, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Yes, I make comedy music. That's I would say, my forte.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's your specialty? Yeah. Do you have a. You have like a song in your head that you've written that's original to you?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Yeah, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's it about?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

So I have a couple. I have one about storming the capital.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just do one.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Okay. Can't take it slow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have one about storming the capital. Yeah.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

And I have another one that I really love about dating while living at your parents house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which one do you think's the funniest?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

The one about dating, living at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know what chord progression that is? Is that a dgac? Dgac. Go.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Goes like this. Something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I feel like if you.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

If you play me kind of like a beat, like I can like follow it, type.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They got you.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the beat that you like.

[Jeff Ross]

Boom.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Do it like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen. Victoria Lang, everybody.

[Chris Celio]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First spot like Keno.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Thank you. All right, here we go. I woke up today in the pink room in the pink room that I grew up in My mom takes out the trash like she always does I, I check my phone, I got a text the text is from my mom even even though she just left it says at least one of us is getting some oh my God. My mom saw the condom in the trash but that's what happens when you're living at your mom's house Pick it up. There is a feeling you can't hide when your mom seen your boyfriend inside but there's really nothing I can do when our economy is in the tubes and maybe one day we'll live in a studio apartment but till then it'll be us and also my mom Cause this is her house oh you want me to go? I woke up today in the blue room in the blue room that I grew up in Then my mom wakes me up for work like she always

[Michael Hines]

does

[Vanessa Scuduto]

I usually text when I have a girl over but last night was different I guess my mom walks in to see my dick getting sucked like me and my mom we're close but not that much and now she's caught me with my balls out Chorus There is a feeling you can't hide when your mom seen your dick trust eating hairline but there's really nothing I can do unless I shoot a CEO or something too and maybe one day we'll live in a trailer park or something great but until that day it'll obvious and also our moms take it down for a second and let's not forget about my stepdad Sometimes when we're getting in submit not me and my stepdad I can hear him farting through the walls Cuz I share it with my bathroom same wall Please don't look at the stain my 20 year old cat died my senior year of high school it's not that noticeable unless you look at it Gotta walk by really fast There are some sounds you cannot hide Even when the TV volumes real high My whole family hears Young Sheldon and you that's how they all know I'm getting screwed and you laugh it Young Sheldon and I know that might be inappropriate but it gets me hard so fight me outside buzzing a bitch that's the end of my song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, wow My mind is blessed Red man looking to see if she's going to get booked at the secret show wow Victoria Lang. I got to tell you, I did not see that coming. That was actually, like, a good song. Not a comedy song. That was just a good song. Yeah, it was an actually good song.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Thank you. I wrote it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing. And I love how you directed the band. I mean, this is that. That type of band that if you give them a thing, they are right there. They feel the energies and just roll with it. And you. I've never actually seen anyone conduct them so perfectly. They followed every single one of your leads. It was incredible. You're so add. You're talking about a lighter that's on the table right now.

[Brian Redban]

Piece of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. Absolutely amazing, Victoria. Comedy music is definitely your thing.

[Aaron Spaller]

Thing.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, great. Is your. You have more stuff available online or something? Where can people find you at?

[Victoria Lang]

At.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Victoria does comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Only fans.

[Katie Carter]

Also.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very funny.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

I used to have a Playboy account, but they took me offline because I wasn't making enough money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That happened. That happens, Victoria. When all you can do is sing, that happens. But you are very talented. You really got lost. Lost in it when you were sitting down. I was so impressed. When you're commanding the band, it's like a. It's like a real. Real treat to see somebody come in and start kind of shy and. Exactly. Jeff just said showmanship. I mean, you really came out. You know what I mean? And. And that was incredible. Congratulations, Victoria Lang. The set was okay, but after that amazing performance, you're leaving here with a big joke book. Here you go.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

You so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There you go. Sure.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Do I leave now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Or do I stay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. You're gone.

[Vanessa Scuduto]

Oh, what the. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a show filled with magic. Sometimes. Ladies and gentlemen, let's make it your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name of Eric McLaughlin, everybody.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I was at the airport yesterday. I was thinking you could just point at anybody in here and yell, that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass. Right? They gotta put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably gonna put a finger in you after because you said that. Which could be fun. Like, if you're into that. That's like your thing. You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his eye. Check me now. You know, I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fucking check my ass. You imagine you do that all the time, and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass, and then. TSA Is like, holy shit, that guy was gonna blow up the plane. 200 lives saved because of you. You're a fucking hero. And you'd be sitting there like, I don't think he's gonna check my ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a set. From beginning to end. Eric McLaughlin.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, my friend. Very funny. How long you been on stand up?

[Eric McLaughlin]

About a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Whereas here, I'm a local. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Born and raised in Austin.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, no, I've been on the show before I moved here when I was like 12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I moved here when I was 12 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, got it.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you said you were on the show when you were 12.

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, no, not that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. Okay. Where were you at before you were 12?

[Aaron Spaller]

Just out of cure.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I was in California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. San Jose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. How old are you now?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I'm 32.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

32. Okay. What do you do for work?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I. Well, I sell mortgages. Kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Kind of.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, I mean, I've. I'm not very good at it, so I've been doing like tick tock and Facebook and like content creation kind of lately, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's that going?

[Jeff Ross]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that profitable?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, it's good. I mean, you know, it's okay. Yeah, it's fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I enjoy it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cool. What else do you do, content creation wise?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I do movie reviews mostly. Right now it's kind of like a big thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Can I have a cigarette?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure, yeah. Yeah, why not? I'm not going to give you a lighter, but you can have a cigarette. No, I'm kidding.

[Jeff Ross]

What's a movie you've seen lately that was good?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I watched Batman Begins last night. It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's a 19. What is that, 91? 93.

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, 2005. With what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Batman Begins.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Christian.

[Davey Wester]

Bill.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Batman Begins 2005.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe it's like a.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Like a. I mean, I saw it last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Berenstein Bears thing. Look it up for me. Just. I thought Batman Begins was the Tim Burton one, but maybe that's just Batman. Huh? Batman Begins. Yeah, I guess so. Batman Begins. Oh, yeah, there it is. 2005. Okay, well, what'd you think about the 2005 classic Batman Begins? The unforgettable Batman Begins. Often confused for Danny DeVito is the Penguin.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It's good. It's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a review?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw one very recently called Heal. You want to see a crazy movie called Go see Heal? H E L on Amazon? It's heel. Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Is that a new Movie, is it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a new movie. It's about a guy who. Who gets. Who gets trashed. Really, really big party boy and he gets taken hostage, put in somebody's basement. And I won't give anything else away, but it's a very interesting movie.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Interesting. That's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Put it in a list. I'll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I recommend Flow. There's not one, one word in the whole entire movie.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Flow.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah.

[Eric McLaughlin]

You like any of the Oscar picks? Marty Supreme.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's all absolute dog.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh, really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beyond all dog. We. We're not. Yeah, we don't. We don't play that.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, we can move on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I will give one more for those of you that can handle subtitles. I know that's not a lot of the Kill Tony fan base, but if you can check out a movie, a movie on Amazon called the Coffee Table. If you want your heart to beat out of your chest. Oh, there's one person that knows about it out there. One real freak out there. Yeah.

[Michael Hines]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a crazy movie. Gotta watch that one.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Coffee Table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the Coffee Table.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Okay. Yeah, that's. Yeah, down the list. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. What. What is your favorite movie that you've seen that you've reviewed that blew your mind? A newer movie.

[Eric McLaughlin]

To be honest, like, I. I feel like new movies kind of suck. I saw Castaway the other day. That was just amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Any day you're gonna make it to Pulp Fiction or Forrest Gump or Shawshank Redemption.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, those are good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Jeff Ross]

What made you watch Castaway out of nowhere?

[Eric McLaughlin]

It was on Netflix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band pointed out a good one. While we're in movie mode for the first time in our 13 year history, because we did have this conversation, I avoided to Demi Moore's the Substance because I thought it would automatically be a chick flick because it's just Demi Moore's face and all the promos. But if you want to really go for an insane ride. The substance.

[Chris Celio]

Sexiest Jesus.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Incredibly watchable. I have seen that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have seen that. Did you see the substance, Jeff? You got to see this movie. It's nuts. Well, it's about. It's about the. I guess the overall principle of the movie is it's about like trying to preserve your beauty. And the sacrifices that you may would make to do that could cost you the opposite effect on the back end. So a temporary look. Now for a. For instant gratification. Now for a nightmare situation. Perhaps later.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Great review.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Did you see Song Sung Blue? That was really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that A Japanese movie.

[Jeff Ross]

Oh, it was like Hugh Jackman. And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Song Song Blue, I believe, is one of our golden ticket winners.

[Jeff Ross]

Song Song Blue. It's about Neil diamond impersonators, but it's really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, cool.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. And. And, you know, Kate Hudson.

[Aaron Spaller]

Hugh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jack Jackman.

[Jeff Ross]

Hugh Jackman. Very good movie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just watching Eric smoke the first cigarette of his life over there.

[Eric McLaughlin]

I was like, it's a really nice club. I didn't want to ash on you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's an ashtray. There's. There's an ashtray right there. Oh, yeah, there it is.

[Jeff Ross]

Holds it like he's French or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I do a movie review.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perhaps you've seen La Mayonnaise starring a Pepe. Love you.

[Eric McLaughlin]

That's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's like.

[Jeff Ross]

He's, like, waiting for Conan o'. Brien.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know, Eric, what else have you done with your life? Tell us something else.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh, I tried to sell my shit last year. That was something interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you sell?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Well, no, like, shit, like actual poop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah. There's a website, Bury the Lead, why don't you? Yeah, no, there's a website called the Human Biome Project, and they pay, like, 180 grand a year to buy your poop. So I signed up to, like, donate or whatever, and it's like a real thing. They pay you money for your poop and they put it, like, in a pill because it, like, helps with bacteria for other people. It's like a whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get. You got money for this?

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, I just. I applied and I didn't get in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have to send them your poop to apply?

[Eric McLaughlin]

So it's a weird process. Like, the first part is you do an IQ test, which I thought was weird. I past that, thank God. I. And then the next part, you send him photos. That's where I failed because I had diarrhea on the last day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's like Crohn's disease or something like that.

[Eric McLaughlin]

No, I don't have that.

[Jeff Ross]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's for Crohn's disease.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Oh, yeah. Maybe I just wanted the money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing. Other than selling, what else have you done with your life, Eric?

[Jeff Ross]

Red Band's, like, new merch idea.

[Chris Celio]

That's corny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another poop joke, Red Band, our senior poop correspondent. Eric, tell us one more fun fact about your life,

[Eric McLaughlin]

man. Am I. Am I interesting? I'm Brazilian. That's. I mean, that's a big one. I told you that last time. I'M a Brazilian guy, which is kind of interesting. I go there every year to see family, and it's just fun being white in Brazil and speaking poor Portuguese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get to go to Brazil often?

[Eric McLaughlin]

I do, yeah. I go every year to see my family and that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you ever feel like you're going to be kidnapped or taken for money? That's a big, big deal over there.

[Eric McLaughlin]

It's not Mexico. It's like, it's like a little nicer. I mean, it's. But it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you in the. Are you in a specific gated white part of Brazil? Brazil famous for kidnapping and trying to take hostage white people, though.

[Eric McLaughlin]

There are places like that in Brazil?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's called Brazil. That's the place in Brazil in which that's a thing. You're. What are you, the head of tourism over there or something?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Hey, I'm just, you know, trying to represent this all. But it is the second most dangerous country on the planet, right behind gymnast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. There it is. Yeah, it's not Mexico. You're right.

[Eric McLaughlin]

You're right. It is, it is dangerous. But they do, like, they separate people, which is bad. But also, I mean, I'm in the nicer parts, which is good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. I had a feeling. Took a while to get there, but there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what you're talking about. About, Tony. Brazil is so nice.

[Eric McLaughlin]

Yeah, you're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What's your dating life like?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Not really dating. I mean, I, I, I go into apps every now and then, and I, you know, I kind of hit around and then see what's up. But I'm not really, like, actively getting out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last.

[Eric McLaughlin]

What about you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last. Thank you. Thank you. Way to change the subject there. Last date you went on, what was that like?

[Eric McLaughlin]

It wasn't really a date. She just sort of came over, which was cool. That was fun. But that was around September. That was the last time she just hit me up. She was drunk. She was like, what are you doing? And she was like, you want to go out? And I'm like, no, I'm at home watching a movie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she was like, well, wow, Batman Begins. Here's a medium sized joke book. It's all I have left left. There he goes. All right, Eric McLaughlin. Actually switch that. They'll give you a big joke book on your way out. Give them a big one. Trade that medium for a big. All right. Since we were running a little ahead of time, ladies and gentlemen, I decided for one last bucket Pull. Huh? Put your hands together for Jonathan Jarrigan. We'll make this one quick. No matter what happens, we got to keep it moving. John Johnathan Jargan is your final bucket poll of the night. What's going on?

[Eric McLaughlin]

Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had to stop wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dahmer. Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the Friend Zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big Office first initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. I was like, this dude has a girlfriend. What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have the most commanding personality. If I were, like, in a biker gang, it'd be Sons of Applebee. Like, going out on a date with me is so cold. It's how it feels to chew five gum. But y' all been. We'll just end it there.

[Jeff Ross]

Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm Jonathan Jernigan. There it is. Solid set from Jonathan Cherrigan. Welcome. Welcome to the show, Jonathan. Who's Jernigan? Close enough. It's what? Jernigan. Jernigan. Okay, everybody. Your ends look like ours. Yeah. All right. There you go. Jonathan Jernigan. So, Jonathan, what's up? Where are you from? Houston. How long have you been doing stand up? It'll be eight years in August. Okay, cool.

[Jeff Ross]

How long have you been named Jernigan?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, for a long. My whole life. Yeah, what are the Jernigans like? What are your parents like?

[Aaron Spaller]

What's the family?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, my dad was an ex hippie, and then my mom is unfortunately no longer with us. What happened to Mom?

[Aaron Spaller]

Oh, she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She had cancer. Hell, yeah. I kept pointing the TV remote at her, but that'll do it. That'll do it. So when you say your dad's an ex hippie, what do you mean exactly? Well, like, he used to have, like, really long hair and play chess, but now he doesn't. What made him kind of snap out of it, you think?

[Jeff Ross]

Think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My mom dying. All right, all right. Okay. So what is dad. How's dad keeping it together now? How long ago did mom die? I want to say, like eight years ago. Okay. Has your dad moved on? Has he gotten a new lady yet? No, no, but we're Trying to get him to move on, but, I mean, it's tough. Yeah. You have a lot of brothers and sisters? I have one brother. Sister. Older. Okay, older. Younger. Younger. All right. What does he do? He, like, does, like, financial analysis. What do you do for work? I teach painting. You teach painting? You make a living doing that? Not really. Oh, wow. How are you surviving? I live at home. Amazing. With dad. Oh, yeah, with dad. Okay. It's less embarrassing now that my mom's dead. Right, exactly. It makes it seem like you're there supporting him. Well, like, according to the TLC rules, I'm technically not a scrub anymore. Very good. Very good. It's important to follow the TLC rules. Don't be a scrub and don't go chasing waterfalls. Brian Redback. Are you. Are you. So are you a pretty good artist? Like, what kind of paint do you are?

[Eric McLaughlin]

It's acrylic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I mostly teach, like, new painters. So it's like you sign up for a night and like, you with a date and you have. You get drunk and you paint and stuff and that's cool. You get a lot of paint? Not really. I don't. I don't try because I feel creepy if I try to, like, hit on the guests and I try to. I like being employed. Oh, yeah. But other than that. Amazing. Where can people find your art at, Mr. Journey? I wish. I don't paint that often. Oh, wow. Quite the. Quite the salesman.

[Jeff Ross]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Been focusing harder on comedy. Mor. Nice. Yeah. You're very, very good at it. Well, thank you. Keep it up. Sign up again sometime. Jonathan Jernigan. Good to see. We're gonna. We're at the end of the episode, so we're gonna keep it moving. Thank you so much. Sign up again. Jonathan Jernigan. A funny man. Get him a big joke book. There we go. I ran out of big joke book. It's been such a good. You know, it's a good episode when I ran out of big joke books. All right, everybody, we've made it to the final part of the show. William Montgomery is sick. Ari. Matty is adding Monday shows to his sold out weekends on the road, taking full advantage of the kill Tony bump while not showing up for the thing that made him so famous. But luckily for you guys, we have one more superstar that's on the super rise, everybody. Every single week, this guy does more than a minute. It's amazing to watch. He was once the dark storm of Atlanta and now he's the dark storm of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for the Rise star, Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen,

[Brian Redban]

Austin. Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Brian Redban]

I got some beef with Austin, Texas. I don't wanna be the Dr. Storm of Austin, Texas, no more. How y' all been treating me? Because right now, I'm homeless. And I'm the richest homeless nigga in Austin, Texas. I applied for three houses to move into, and one of the houses texted me. No matter what pay stubs I sent them, I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, your credit is bad. What the landlords want is for you to write an essay. About why your credit is bad and what you intend to do about it. Nigga, this is the essay. I was poor. Now I'm not. That's why I moved here. Bitch, did you look at anything? Did you Google me at all? I was homeless before, and now I'm not. But you want me to write an essay? Nigga, that feel like slavery to me. You want me to write you an essay about why I was poor and why my nigga credit wasn't real, and it's still not to me. I don't need credit. I'm making the money. But they want me to write them an essay. That shit is ins. What the fuck is Austin, Texas doing? You want me to write you an essay so I can stay in a house you don't want to live in no more? You want me to live in there and then pay you money to live? That shit actually let me be homeless. Let me be homeless. Cause honestly, I miss my homeless dick package that I used to give women I used to fuck good as fuck when I was homeless. I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. Because you had to fuck a girl so good that she go to sleep. I've been using rich nigga dick for fucking six months, which is mostly like, I'm too tired. I just. This a nigga that ain't got nowhere to go. I'mma fuck you whenever the fuck you want to. I'm doing moves I never even thought possible. Leg up, sideways. I want to get back to that package. You ain't hurting my feelings until Nick. I learned I was a better boyfriend when I was homeless. I learned how to fold a fitted blanket when I was homeless. I learned how to fold clothes when I was homeless. Normally, I just wash clothes. I put them on a bed and then I sleep on it because my bed is too hard. That's my time. I love y'. All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick Flynn, ladies and gentlemen. Deep, Deep and true. It's some insight into the true life of Dedrick Fl.

[Brian Redban]

That shit hurt my. I thought. Cause I was in Texas, right? And I was a Kill Tony. That's what I put on the application. Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Regular

[Brian Redban]

let me in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I'm making enough money to buy the house. Yeah, but they told me my credit was too bad, and they wanted to. Nigga, I've never written an essay for pussy. You want me to write an essay so I can live in your house? Fuck. Austin, Texas, right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they. Did they know? Did they know? Did they. Well, I guess your name on the application was Dedrick. So you think it has anything to do with the possibility that perhaps you were.

[Brian Redban]

No, Dedrick is a German name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

German shit. Chocolate.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, Come on.

[Davey Wester]

They.

[Brian Redban]

I put Derick Flynn on there, and I thought they would just Google me and be like, that's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Well, we found out recently you call it a heavy debit card. You don't even have a credit card, so you.

[Brian Redban]

No, I have a heavy debit card right now. Red. White.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dad.

[Brian Redban]

Don't treat me like this in front of the credit card. White. White. Dad. I. I did everything I could not do. Also to ask me why I was poor before. As if you never heard a rap song. That's what happened. I just listen to Gucci, listen to fucking Young Dolph, listen to fucking Meek Mill. I was poor, and now I'm not. That's the end of it. That's every rap song that started. Why you act like this is the first time you've ever heard of a black person making his dreams come true?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick. This is true. Have you been selling. The chains are looking a little tight tonight night. Have you been selling links of your gold chain for. For the down payment of this house? It's starting to look like you're a pit bull or something like that. You already look like you own a pit stray dog.

[Brian Redban]

You look like I went back to being a stray dog. All I do is push ups. I'm a pit bull. Like, I'm a good boy, but I'm a bad dog. You know that, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

Like, I'm a good boy. Everybody love. They want to pet me, but I'll buy the kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[Brian Redban]

How dare. Look, what the. I have so much gold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this house that you put. That you're applying to, is it. Does it happen to be a dog house? Dead.

[Brian Redban]

It's not even nice. It's not even nice. How dare you ask me to write an essay. Has anybody in this Audience ever written an essay to rent a place?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There are a couple other black people out there. I see them. They all raised their hands at the time back here.

[Brian Redban]

Is this D? Mad? Don't play with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was trying to

[Brian Redban]

either play it or don't, Dedrick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy?

[Brian Redban]

I just want to say right now that officially I'm the dark storm of Chicago. I just sold out four shows out of five in Chicago, and I had a great time out there. That was fantastic. So Mad. Yeah, Zanies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Brian Redban]

They.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were ripping so much fun.

[Brian Redban]

They told me they sold the most alcohol they've ever sold in the last three years for my five shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little fun fact about Zany's. I've headlined there probably somewhere 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 times or whatever. But at one point, I opened up there for Jeffrey Ross. I was just. Just a measly opener.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, they looked at me while I'm looking at your. They look. My roommate texted me, being like, hey, they want an essay while I'm looking at your photo. I hate touring because every time I go somewhere, you're there and I can see you watching me. So I'm like, I can't do bad. Tony Hinchcliffe is right there on the wall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am.

[Brian Redban]

And I. I just can't do no bad. That's just that. Austin. How the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't hate on the city of Austin, by the way.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No that nowhere. Go see if Chicago's going to sell you a nice house without an essay.

[Brian Redban]

Essay. I looked at it. That. No, it was 33 degrees outside when I left, and I got here and it was 91. I was like, this is where I'm supposed to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pro tip, Dedrick, don't write them an essay. Send them your upcoming schedule. You can. You can literally get your agents to, like, compile a thing that says I wanted.

[Brian Redban]

Why my credit score was bad, as if they never heard a dream come true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It happened.

[Brian Redban]

They wanted me to write an essay so they could jack off with their racist ass. They wouldn't be like, oh, that was poor. Now he living in my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Create an LLC and have the llc.

[Brian Redban]

I have a LLC in the Escort Red pan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You help me make it llc. Yeah, he's got littler and littler chains. That's the llc. These guys.

[Brian Redban]

It's called llz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those things are shrink. Either those are shrinking or your neck is growing in real time. You're having an allergic doing the push ups.

[Brian Redban]

Cuz these online Want to fight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dedrick, we love you. Everybody loves you. De.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The richest homeless man in Austin, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, if you've ever listened to anything I tell you, I implore you go to to Netflix now that the episode is over and watch Take a Banana for the ride. And without a doubt, as you know, make sure you watch the Roast of Kevin Hart on May 10th live on Netflix. Anything can happen. Maybe someone trims up the stairs or whatever, throws a shot glass on the ground and glass flies everywhere. It's as live as it gets.

[Jeff Ross]

Un Netflix going to be a lot of fun. Thank you, Kill Tony. Thank you, Redman. Give it up for these incredible musicians tonight.

[Chris Celio]

Yeah.

[Jeff Ross]

Tony, I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you letting me be a part

[Jeff Ross]

of your crazy world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. You're the man. One more time for the great Jeff Ross. This episode's been brought to you by Shopify, Kovas and zip Recruiter. Let's check in with the local artist, Chris Rogers, see what he drew. It's Jeff Ross, everybody. Hell, yeah. That's absolutely incredible. I can let you know that indeed, you still have a chance perhaps of getting tickets for kill Tony WrestleMania Las Vegas, Nevada. It's an absolute incredible hybrid of your favorite of The Greatest Entertainment 2. Two of your favorite entertainment sources, WWE and KT, all together at once. Madison Square Garden is now on sale for early August in New York City. And we're doing the Intuit dome. And that's May 7th, I do believe. And then the 8th, 9th, 10th. Yeah, I think it's the 7th. Thursday, May 7th, at the Intuit Dome. The week of the Netflix is a joke week which ends with a roast of Kevin Hart. Red Band, San Diego. I'll be there July 9th through 11th, bringing some friends.

[Chris Celio]

American Comedy Co dot com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you to our sponsors. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land for Jeff Ross. Take a banana for the ride right now. Every single one of you. Go watch it. Keep it on. Let it run all the way to the end. For his retention ratings. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Sam.