#738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

Summary

Kill Tony #738: Jimmy Carr + Andrew Santino

Recorded Live at Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Date: October 7, 2025
Guests: Jimmy Carr, Andrew Santino
Notable Band Member: Zach Brown (special musical guest)

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Episode Overview

This raucous episode of Kill Tony features world-renowned comedian Jimmy Carr and the fiery Andrew Santino as special guests, with Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban steering the evening of rapid-fire stand-up, improvised interviews, and relentless roasting. The show brings together a parade of brave up-and-coming comics, the regular cast, and the infamous "bucket pulls"—all under the gaze of a packed Comedy Mothership crowd and millions online. From tales of prison to cream-pie strip club confessions, nothing was off-limits in an episode brimming with wild energy, heartfelt advice, and the show's signature no-holds-barred comedy.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening & Introduction of Guests

[02:20-06:36]

• Tony and Redban hype up the crowd, introduce the band and guests Jimmy Carr and Andrew Santino.
• Banter and teasing: Jimmy Carr jokes, "It's Goosebumps meets Toy Story" (04:08).
• The guests riff on their own chemistry: "Me and you often confused for two ventriloquist dummies." – Tony (03:58).

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2. Explaining the Kill Tony Format

[05:07-06:36]

• Tony details the "bucket" process: 300+ comedians signed up for a chance to do 1 minute of stand-up and then get interviewed/roasted by the panel.
• "If you guys make a baby, it's just gonna look like a cup of cum." – Tony (06:01), kicking off the night’s dark-roast flavor.

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3. Stand-Out Bucket Pulls & Interviews

Jack Shaw – Golden Ticket Neurotic

[07:00-13:12]

• Material about getting roadhead, anxiety, and "jazz scatting."
  • "If you think texting while driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked while driving." (07:04)
  • Jimmy quips on Jack: "Are you a cartoon? You have a very cartoon vibe... you don't feel like a real boy." (09:48)
• Segment ends with wild jazz scat, met with mock horror from the panel:
  • “Once again. The Jews stealing black art live.” – Santino (12:51)
  • “I have jazz in my heart and cum in my pants.” – Jack (13:01)

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Marvin Izzy – Bronx Tales, Kerfuffles, and Hair Donation

[13:49-22:48]

• Jokes about misunderstanding "kerfuffle," family secrets, and being brought up in the Bronx.
• Shares about factory job, parenting, and a tattoo for his daughter.
• Climactic onstage moment: cuts off his ponytail live to donate for cancer wigs.
  • “Some kid with cancer out there is gonna have a greasy pony cut it off.” – Tony (21:00)
  • “You want to donate your hair to sick kids, or are you going to be a bad guy?” – Santino (55:44)

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Justin Tamayo – Dating Fails & Pool Guys

[24:01-33:08]

• Stand-up on online dating, fat girls, and Epstein’s Island.
  • "The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones—cause that's not the threesome I want." (24:01)
  • Santino roasts, "Especially because you’re in such good shape...” (25:35)
• Pool guy stories: found two baby deers in a pool after a storm.
• Deep dive into pool chemistry myth-busting; banter about peeing in pools.

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Jesse Vasquez – Ex-Con with a Gift for Stories

[33:26-42:48]

• Rough stand-up including school shootings, suicide, and serial killer documentaries.
• Honest, compelling prison stories:
  • “First time I went to prison—a year and a half for a hundred pounds of weed…second time, I got caught…57 illegals being transported.” (35:52)
  • Jimmy Carr: “At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America?” (38:10)
• Panel urges him: make your prison life and dark personal history your comedic focus.

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Paul Ramirez – Nervous Energy & Self-Deprecation

[42:48-50:28]

• Material on high school, gayness (“I’m gay” as a nervous refrain), and his fat mom.
  • “So I just got told I looked like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction.” (42:48)
• Awkward but endearing interview; crowd and panel welcome his authenticity.
  • Jimmy: “There’s something about your eyes that’s very Belushi…and I mean that in a good way.” (49:40)

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Chris Reese – Masturbation, Depression, and Deadpan

[51:05-57:31]

• Stand-up includes crowd work (“You good at masturbating, Asian man?”), self-destructive masturbation jokes, and coloring books.
  • "When I'm not doing stand-up, I do coloring books." (53:09)
  • “Women that look like me? Yeah, I’m crushing it.” (54:25) — Panel loves the line.
• Discussion about favorite horror movies, failed romantic encounters, and health (hasn’t seen a doctor since age 12).

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Ari Matti – The Estonian Assassin’s Chess & Road Stories

[58:22-66:34]

• Professional regular Ari brings the house down with strong material on gendered chess, women losing to microwaves, and homelessness in Portland.
  • “So you're telling me it’s official–you guys are stupid too, huh?” (58:41)
  • “I put like an ashtray on one of them [Portland’s homeless]. They took the jobs of mimes.”
• Panel compares regulars’ tight, killer sets to the raw, chaotic bucket pulls.

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Aaron West – Olive Garden Philosopher, Sober Comic

[67:06-76:02]

• Jokes about Olive Garden’s “Tour of Italy,” bathroom disasters, and taking bad jobs.
• Powerful personal moments about getting sober:
  • “Now, I’m four and a half years sober…doing comedy sober, this is my third time ever…” (70:26)
  • Jimmy Carr: “Terrible material. Fucking incredible performance. Your confidence, your thing—there’s something very special.” (69:09)

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Mason Bird – Hammering the Fat American Stereotype

[76:19-84:04]

• Fat jokes, gym stories, and being international anti-propaganda.
  • “I look like World War 3 propaganda. There are photos of me in North Korea. This is democracy.” (77:30)
  • “You’re doing bread lifting.” – Jimmy Carr (78:43)
• Deep, genuine interview about addiction in the family, gym habits, and “cheating” with Ozempic.
• Awarded a Golden Ticket for continued excellence.

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David Lucas – Hall of Fame Roastmaster

[85:28-92:03]

• David eviscerates everyone in classic Lucas style, especially Jimmy Carr:
  • “Jimmy Carr looked like the ghost of Tony Hinchcliffe… two weeks decomposed bitch.” (86:38)
  • Heavy riffing on smoke detectors, diabetes, and sartorial choices.

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Donna Lee – Triumphant Asian Mom Tales & Comeback Story

[93:30-101:31]

• Blends family dysfunction with sharp self-examination and Asian mom accent.
  • “My mom called, and she said, ‘Donna, Donna, how come you’re alone? You so very, very alone.’” (93:31)
• Shares journey: 12 years away from stand-up to raise family, now chasing comedy dreams.
• Internet comments roast, cupcake bribery, and playfully schooling the panel on Thai stereotypes.

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Ronnie Rohrbach – The Legendary Cream Pie Confession

[102:30-126:31]

• Adopted Guatemalan comic with cerebral palsy delivers pitch-black yet adorable stand-up and the wildest interview of the night.
  • “I have cerebral palsy in my left arm… You have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I’ve ever seen.” – Tony (103:58)
• Reveals strip club escapade: raw-dogged a stripper at Rick's Cabaret for $350, with a Batman shirt, using a $1,500 tax return.
  • “You came inside of the stripper?” – Tony (124:06)
  • “Not on purpose.” – Ronnie (124:09)
• Multiple callbacks throughout episode; panel and crowd left speechless and howling.

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William Montgomery – Zoo Voyeurism & Classic Absurdism

[128:23–End]

• Hall-of-famer closes show with signature bizarre, fragmented premises:
  • “People always look at birds and say, ‘Dang, man, I wish I could fly.’ But birds are probably looking down at us and saying, ‘Dang, man, I wish I could start a conspiracy theory.’” (129:32)
• Tells story of watching hotel sex, musing about masturbation venues (zoo, Buc-ees), and confronts a distracted audience member.
• Panel enjoys William’s meandering comedic style and discusses the power of authenticity in stand-up.

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Notable Quotes & Top Moments

"[Your] material should be about prison. I mean, everything… it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear."
– Andrew Santino to Jesse Vasquez, on mining his life for comedy (39:19)

"I have jazz in my heart and cum in my pants."
– Jack Shaw (13:01)

"You have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I’ve ever seen."
– Tony Hinchcliffe to Ronnie Rohrbach (104:00)

"We shaved an Ewok and got him laid. Austin, what a town."
– Jimmy Carr on Ronnie (116:12)

"You cheaters—go get a rotisserie chicken."
– Tony, mocking Ozempic users, supporting Mason Bird’s “hardcore” diet (81:04)

"This is why I didn’t qualify for disability."
– Ronnie Rohrbach, after telling his strip club cream pie story (124:49)

"Some people, bad minutes, good interviews. Some people, good minutes, bad interviews."
– Tony (50:19)

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Thematic Threads

• Authenticity and Life Experience:
  Multiple comics are told to use their real stories—prison, addiction, adoption, disability—as material. Comics with lived, unique experience (Jesse, Ronnie, Mason) are repeatedly elevated by the panel.

• Roasting and Support:
  Frequent, brutal roasts intermingle with heartfelt encouragement, especially from Jimmy Carr and Santino, who encourage comics to find their voice and collaborate if needed.

• Recurring Gags:
  – "I'm gay" as a catchphrase
  – Taquito/protein/vending machine jokes
  – Ewok and Batman imagery
  – Cream pie/stripper saga
  – Hair donations onstage

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Standout Segments with Notable Timestamps

• Jack Shaw's Wild Jazz Scat: [12:01]
• Marvin Izzy's Onstage Hair Donation: [21:00]
• Ronnie Rohrbach's Cream Pie Confession: [124:06]
• David Lucas vs Jimmy Carr Roast Session: [86:38–91:00]
• Mason Bird's "I look like World War 3 propaganda" [77:30]
• Aaron West’s Real Sobriety & Work Story: [71:23]
• Donna Lee's Thai Mom Joke in Accent: [97:28]

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Tone & Language

The episode is classic Kill Tony: relentlessly profane, wildly irreverent, and studded with moments of genuine humanity. Comedians are continually riffed on, roasted, and supported in equal measure. The tone bounces between raw confession, sharp sarcasm, and bombastic parody, with the crowd and guests frequently howling at both punchlines and interview revelations.

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Final Thoughts

Episode #738 embodies everything that has made Kill Tony a phenomenon: surprise, chaos, and the unvarnished search for the next comic gem. The chemistry between Hinchcliffe, Redban, Jimmy Carr, Andrew Santino, and the motley parade of amateurs and regulars made for a relentless, must-hear two-plus hours. Whether you’re here for the roasts, the cringe, or the heart, this episode has it all—right down to tales of cream pies and a $1,500 Batman t-shirt adventure you’ll never forget.

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Want More?

• Andrew Santino "White Noise" – Now on Hulu
• Jimmy Carr World Tour – Tickets at jimmycarr.com
• Zach Brown Band at The Sphere, Las Vegas – December 2025 / January 2026

— Summary by [Podcast Summarizer]

Transcript

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out tonyhenchcliffe.com for everything. The Golden Pony, Tony, Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever. Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman Cody Ladd from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian Red band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa on the horns. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Yes. Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. That is D Madness live in the flesh. And how about one more time joining us tonight. How exciting is this? The great and powerful Zac Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. It is happening. Love and Fear at the stage. Fear in Las Vegas set for December 2025 and January 2026.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the new album Love and Fear

[Brian Redban]

releases night one of their Sphere performances.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's Friday, December 5th.

[Brian Redban]

One more time for Zack Brown, ladies and gentlemen, joining us all night. We're going to have some fun. Welcome to the chaos, Zach. I love it. We're going to have a blast tonight, people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you. How many of you have been fans

[Brian Redban]

for a long time? Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise if you live some else.

[Brian Redban]

And flew in because we were able to get tickets to this show. Unbelievable. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's episode, huh? Wow. I mean, we got an episode sponsored by Talk Space. We got Zach Brown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got the best stand band in the land every single week. I book two of the funniest people

[Brian Redban]

in the world this week. Holy top.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tippity tippity top. As good as it gets.

[Brian Redban]

Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino and Jimmy Carr. Yeah. Andrew Santino is back. Jimmy Carr, one of the front runners for guest of the year. Jimmy Carr is back. Santino is back. White noise is on Hulu. He's on tour. Andrew santino.com Jimmy Carr.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the nominees.

[Brian Redban]

2025 guest of the year is back. Stiff competition. Rob Schneider, Carrot top. You, James McCann. It's Crazy Runnings and you are back

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and in it looking better than ever. Me and you often confused for two ventriloquist dummies.

[Brian Redban]

And here we are working together. Working together.

[Jimmy Carr]

It's Goosebumps meets Toy Story.

[Brian Redban]

Welcome back, Jimmy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jimmycar.com. he's on tour all over the world. Aussie, New Zealand. The entire world. Jimmy Carr dot com. How you doing, Jimmy?

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm having a great time. Very, very pleased to be here. Kind of excited about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, me too.

[Jimmy Carr]

Nice to be. Nice to be helping young talent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

Andrew Santino. It has been way too long of a goddamn time.

[Andrew Santino]

It's been a long time. It's going to be back. Hello, mothership.

[Brian Redban]

Great to be together. Eighteen years ago, we were doing stand up together all over Los Angeles.

[Andrew Santino]

We started together. Yeah, back when you were in your 50s.

[Brian Redban]

Hey.

[Andrew Santino]

Hey, you fucking walking mummy. All right. Shoot at me, James

[Brian Redban]

O.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little chemistry here.

[Andrew Santino]

She started.

[Brian Redban]

It's a little salt and cinnamon over here. Hello.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Don't.

[Brian Redban]

And yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Andrew, it's been so long that you've been on the show that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity to get into tonight's bucket. It is absolutely incredible. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. We have some fun. We find out more about them. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. I'm gonna let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've

[Brian Redban]

ever seen in my entire life. You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player. I mean, look at the lack of color on these people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible.

[Jimmy Carr]

I think they might be ghosts.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is fucking crazy.

[Andrew Santino]

Are you a couple? Yes.

[Aaron West]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

That's unfortunate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you guys make a baby, it's just gonna look like a cup of cum.

[Brian Redban]

Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight. Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

If you cum on her tits, does it just look like nothing?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Let's try.

[Brian Redban]

Let's see it. We wanna see your ghost. Come, dude. All right. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. We're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner. While we go wrangle Right. This is the Ghost Come episode of Kill Tony while we go wrangle that bucket pool from the bar next door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As that person finds out that their life has changed and they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy.

[Brian Redban]

We're gonna bring out a golden ticket winner to start off with a brand new minute, really. One of the most neurotic young comedians coming up, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody. Here we go.

[Jack Shaw]

I got Roadhead.

[Brian Redban]

I did it.

[Jack Shaw]

And that should be illegal. No one should ever have roadhead, ever. It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked. Well, while driving, it is horrifying. And if you ever are offering someone roadhead, don't offer them roadhead, because we can't say no to that. It's like offering a coke addict cocaine. It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow. And that's a pun. And so, you know, it was happening for me and we were driving and it was fantastic. But I'm panicking because that's what happens when you get roadhead. Cause people can see you while you're driving, dude. So you're just sitting there fucking trying to make like you're just driving. And we were driving and there was a UPS driver who pulled up next to us. And you know they have the big mail trucks, dude. And I'm panicking and I look over at him and he's looking at me and he goes. And that's when I learned I come from positive affirmation.

[Brian Redban]

No, no, no, don't.

[Jack Shaw]

Stop.

[Brian Redban]

Stop.

[Jack Shaw]

Please stop clapping.

[Brian Redban]

Stop. No, by God. He's coming, ladies and gentlemen. I'm going to cut you off right there, Jack. Welcome, welcome. That was great.

[Jimmy Carr]

Jimmy, can I ask where your mother was driving you?

[Jack Shaw]

No, you cannot,

[Brian Redban]

Jack. That was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That type of bit plays right into your awkward nervous neurosis.

[Brian Redban]

What are you talking about?

[Jack Shaw]

I'm like a cool guy.

[Brian Redban]

I'm like a cool guy.

[Aaron West]

Yeah, go ahead, Andrew.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, this is. Trump was right Tylenol during pregnancy. Trump was fucking right on the money, dude. It's bad. It's getting really bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bit's amazing. Totally relatable to people that have had roadhead before. Where was this?

[Jack Shaw]

Oh, I was on the way back from Yosemite. We were on a big mountain, and I think because we were on a

[Brian Redban]

big mountain, she was like, suck your dick. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like, yeah, amazing.

[Jack Shaw]

Have you ever Had Roadhead?

[Brian Redban]

Yes. I'll ask you the question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of car were you driving when getting this Roadhead?

[Jack Shaw]

I was driving my Fiat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. It's a tiny little car.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, it's a tiny car. It's a tiny car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, Jimmy.

[Brian Redban]

It was cramped.

[Andrew Santino]

All right.

[Jimmy Carr]

Are you a cartoon? You have a very cartoon vibe.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, okay.

[Jimmy Carr]

I mean, I love it.

[Donna Lee]

Okay.

[Jimmy Carr]

But you don't feel like a real boy.

[Jack Shaw]

Have you seen your face?

[Brian Redban]

It is. It is

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

like.

[Brian Redban]

It's totally clear.

[Aaron West]

Actually.

[Jimmy Carr]

Pretty reasonable.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah. Yeah. It's so scary.

[Brian Redban]

Jack and Jimmy,

[Jimmy Carr]

the issue, the laugh suits you.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah, it does.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah.

[Jack Shaw]

Where did you start laughing like that?

[Jimmy Carr]

I've always had like an innie laugh. A weird innie. I've got a theory on it. I think I must have rubbed a magic lamp at some point. A magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes. And there must have been a mix up, something lost in translation. Now, instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one.

[Jack Shaw]

Tony, you stay quiet over there. It's just me and Jimmy now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? Okay.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Never mind.

[Brian Redban]

Very funny.

[Jack Shaw]

Sorry, I thought that was going to be so funny.

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm being groomed.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, you're being reverse groomed. Yeah, my bad. The pedophile has become the rubber. Oh, wait, no, I said that wrong. The victim has become the pedophile. There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Could have been better the first time, but. All right, Jack, what else is going on in life? Everything good?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I haven't.

[Jack Shaw]

You know, I've been. I've been trying to find ways to deal with my anxiety, and I've been nervous to talk about this, but I've. And people in my life don't know about this, but I've been. I've found a way to deal with it and I've been. I've been jazz scatting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's. You want to do a little jazz scatting for the.

[Jack Shaw]

I was thinking. I was thinking I could. I think I could jazz scat a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Just check's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about five minutes.

[Brian Redban]

And he is literally at 4 minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I can just feel it creeping on like. Like I kind of get sick of him. He's always great for a minute.

[Brian Redban]

Here he is, jazz scatting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Jack Shaw, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Unbelievably stupid. We're gonna check in with our senior music correspondent tonight, Zach Brown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you think about that jazz scatting that you just Heard right there.

[David Lucas]

I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

[Andrew Santino]

Perfect.

[Brian Redban]

Yes. I think we all did. There's a. We all had a. I feel like

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is true. He does have those creepy vibes. Andrew Santino.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Once again. The Jews stealing black art live.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Once again. Dude,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it is amazing.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I was afraid of that, but I

[Jack Shaw]

have jazz in my heart and come in my pants, so.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Okay.

[Jack Shaw]

Sorry.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. All right, all right. Well, you got tonight started for us. I showed everybody how it goes. Jack Shaw, ladies.

[Jack Shaw]

Thank you guys so much.

[Brian Redban]

And it has begun. Everybody to the bucket we go. This is the bread and butter of the show where truly anything can happen. We meet people together sometimes. It's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming an arena act. Or on snl, anything can happen. We're finding the next talent. Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily, and it turns out life hits hard. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pool of the night is Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy.

[Ari Matti]

Y' all good?

[Marvin Izzy]

Hell, yeah, man. So I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months and saw on the news, the reporter said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle, and one of them stabbed the other and murdered him. And that made me Sad because, like, 40 years of being on this Earth, and I ain't know what kerfuffle meant. I was looking up, where's Kerfuffle, Texas? On Google and shit. Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool, but my grandparents celebrated. They were 60 years together before they passed away. And I asked her, like, what's your secret for a long relationship? Like that. My grandmother was like, don't worry. It's not gonna happen for you. And I'm like, damn, why not? And she was like, because. Why? We've known each other since we were children. And I'm like, that's beautiful. Like, how did y' all even know each other since y' all were kids? And she was like, because we're cousins, so it's. It's true. We're not. I will never achieve what they achieved because I broke up with my cousin years ago.

[Brian Redban]

Marvin Izzy. All right. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome back to the show, Marvin.

[Brian Redban]

I remember you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on before.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going?

[Marvin Izzy]

It's been going great, man.

[Aaron West]

I'm.

[Marvin Izzy]

Been out here living in Austin for nine months, and it's fucking beautiful out here, man. I love it.

[Brian Redban]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, how do you make money, Marvin?

[Marvin Izzy]

So I.

[Brian Redban]

Very good question.

[Marvin Izzy]

I have a day job. I mean, I work for this factory company. Just doing assembly work and shit. Just handle the inventory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. What are you putting together in the factory?

[Marvin Izzy]

Just computer parts and stuff. Really can't say too much about it. They made me sign, like, NDAs and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, perfect. Well, then you've already said too much. Yeah, I love it. Marvin, what have you been doing for fun in life other than what you've been doing? A lot of open mics.

[Marvin Izzy]

Yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff. You know, sign up for the mothership every Monday. Sign up here every Monday and, like, Creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a film when you're not doing stand up?

[Marvin Izzy]

Honestly, I just like to chill in my crib, like, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just chill in your crib?

[Marvin Izzy]

Yeah, just chill in my house, you know.

[Jimmy Carr]

We are like peas in a pot. Yeah, I love to chill in my crib.

[Marvin Izzy]

Indeed you do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like.

[Jimmy Carr]

Is there. Is there a drug assist going on here?

[Marvin Izzy]

We.

[Jimmy Carr]

Oh, wait, you're not counting that as a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, that's it.

[Jimmy Carr]

Drugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that makes sense. What do you do when you're chilling at the crib? What exactly do you do?

[Marvin Izzy]

I like to, like, have a little drink, sit on my little patio area. Just look at the stars and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at the stars. Look at you. Entertain, like in the year.

[Andrew Santino]

I think you're a fucking beautiful human being because you came out with like, that. Yo, yo, deaf.

[Brian Redban]

What up?

[Andrew Santino]

And then now we talk and you're like, well, I like to sit on the patio. You're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I fucking.

[Andrew Santino]

I like you, dude.

[Marvin Izzy]

I am actually polite, you know? Yeah. But I am from the hood.

[Brian Redban]

Like, where you are from that.

[William Montgomery]

Where are you from?

[Marvin Izzy]

I'm originally from Bronx, New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What's the craziest thing you ever saw in the streets of the Bronx?

[Marvin Izzy]

Oh, shit. I seen a dude get stabbed over a Heineken bottle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Jimmy Carr]

That's called. They call that a kerfuffle.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah. Little.

[Marvin Izzy]

Indeed they do.

[Brian Redban]

Little Puerto Rican payback right there.

[Jimmy Carr]

It's like Freaky Friday. He's being me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What did you do when you saw that? Did you try to help the stabbing victim?

[Marvin Izzy]

No, I just screamed.

[Brian Redban]

Oh.

[Marvin Izzy]

In shock. And I lived right. It happened right across the street from a police station and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, like that.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, like.

[Marvin Izzy]

Oh, you know.

[Brian Redban]

Is that how you said it?

[Marvin Izzy]

Yeah, yeah, something like that. Like, oh, shit, you know, like, that's

[Brian Redban]

the type of blood that was pouring,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pouring out of the innocent victim. It was typo.

[Marvin Izzy]

Yeah. Typo. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Why'd I do that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Way to help him.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Marvin Izzy]

No. And then there was a police station

[David Lucas]

right across the street.

[Marvin Izzy]

So we looked at them, was like, yo, come help. And they told us to call 91 1.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It's a bureaucracy. You have to go to this.

[Brian Redban]

An order of events there. You can't just wave at the police.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, silly.

[Jimmy Carr]

I. I got. I got genuine feedback, if that's appropriate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it.

[Jimmy Carr]

You're adorable when you smile. Like, you've got a really lovely smile.

[David Lucas]

Thank you.

[Jimmy Carr]

And yet you came out and you were very kind that it was quite a harsh kind of tough guy thing. I think laughing a little bit would be good with your set.

[Marvin Izzy]

I think I was just more focused on it because, you know, my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely not. I remember it was terrible.

[Jimmy Carr]

But I like it when he giggles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Jimmy Carr]

It's kind of funny.

[Brian Redban]

Jimmy got a point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can be focused and smile at the same time. Okie dokie.

[Brian Redban]

You do your own thing.

[Chris Reese]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Marvin Izzy]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There we go.

[Marvin Izzy]

It's funny how someone compliments, like, my giggle and stuff because someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican Crusty the Clown. So I thank you. I'm sorry. As you were saying. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you for the opportunity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really, thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Wow, what an opportunity you've given me. I'm so glad you pulled me out of your bucket tonight so that I can talk on your show. Thank you.

[Andrew Santino]

What is this tattoo on your farm? What does that say?

[Marvin Izzy]

This is my daughter's name. It says Leila.

[Brian Redban]

It says that says Lea.

[Jimmy Carr]

Can we get a closeup on that? Cuz that does not say.

[Jesse Vasquez]

L doesn't.

[Brian Redban]

What language is that?

[Marvin Izzy]

It's calligraphy. And I guess an apprentice did her son. I did it when I was like, 18 or some. So one say Leila. Now, you know, I.

[Brian Redban]

Did you stab the tattoo artist with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a Heineken box bottle after that?

[Marvin Izzy]

No, no, I didn't get into any kerfuffles with him.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Andrew Santino]

Leila. Yeah, yeah, like the Clapton song.

[Marvin Izzy]

What song?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Paul Ramirez]

Cultured.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

You don't know Lea Got Me on My Knees. Lea, you don't know that song?

[Brian Redban]

No, I really don't. It's kind of like if Bad Bunny,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, slowed it down and had rhythm.

[Marvin Izzy]

I don't listen to bad Bunny either.

[Jimmy Carr]

I didn't know you couldn't sing

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

every time you've been on. You had a little joke book.

[Marvin Izzy]

Yeah, and I actually wanted to ask a weird thing. I wanted to trade in my little joke book, and I wanted to see if you guys. Somebody here wanted to do something cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy.

[Brian Redban]

It's really your moment, huh? Jesus Christ. Holy, bro. I said I'm prepared for this more

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

than you did for the minute. Took you 35 seconds to get to the kerfuffle punch line, but here you are. Well, I'd like to stop and I'd like to do something special. What, are you accepting a Emmy award, Right?

[Jimmy Carr]

I think he's gonna try. And Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I think so. Wants to shove the joke book up my ass. What's going on?

[Marvin Izzy]

So this will be the second time that I'm doing this. I'm gonna cut my hair off and donate it for, you know, children to get wigs made out of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Marvin Izzy]

So I wanted to know, some kid

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with cancer out there is gonna have a greasy pony cut it off. Oh, okay, great.

[Brian Redban]

Wait, what?

[Marvin Izzy]

Andrew is going to cut off the tail here.

[Andrew Santino]

I don't want to look at it anymore. I was.

[Brian Redban]

Did you sneak a pair of scissors in here?

[Marvin Izzy]

I hope y' all do. I can't bring any.

[Jimmy Carr]

You got a knife? This guy's got a crazy knife.

[Brian Redban]

Wait a second. What are we doing here? Oh, my God. This is how it all ends, everybody. Man. Man. Stabbed with Zack Brown's knife killed Tony. Zack Brown were all getting canceled at the same time. Joe Rogan's insurance is like. Oh. Oh, my God. Wow. Unbelievable. Hey, that is a knife.

[Jesse Vasquez]

That.

[Brian Redban]

That is a powerful knife.

[Jimmy Carr]

This is great. You can add hairdressing to your resume.

[Brian Redban]

It's incredible.

[Andrew Santino]

He's trying to follow in your footsteps, dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible.

[Justin Tamayo]

Beautiful.

[Andrew Santino]

This is very healthy hair as well. I.

[Brian Redban]

Why is it still in your hand?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, well, I realized if I put it down, it will go away.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, it's so disgusting. Yeah. Put that away from us, please. Hand it to. No, no, no, no, no. It's where the cancer kit. Don't.

[Andrew Santino]

It's almost October. Where do you guys want. Where do you want. You hold it.

[Marvin Izzy]

I want to trade this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it to that guy. You want to what?

[Marvin Izzy]

I wanted to trade us in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the are we going to do

[Brian Redban]

with that, you psycho? Spent too much money staring at the stars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You keep your little joke book, all right? Keep your little joke book, and you've Moved up to a medium joke book.

[Brian Redban]

There you go. Tonight, and the show has begun with Marvin. Izzy.

[William Montgomery]

Fucking.

[Brian Redban]

There's something disgusting to me about that hair. Get out of here, Marvin. Go. Jesus. Fuck it. Just one more thing. I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and. Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen. Nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Better than.

[Brian Redban]

The beautiful Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. Heidyregina.com or new website site. She has a new podcast with the great Valerie. There's dandruff all over this table now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Brian Redban]

Red band's been waiting 30 seconds to get the big dandruff line in there, everyone. If you look back at the video, he's waiting. He's got the mic up to his mouth to say, there's dandruff. Stop being polite. I'll stop being polite. Polite. That is a compliment. It's not dandruff. It's actual hair. There is small pieces of hair. You guys ready for your next bucket pull? You get it? Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds, it's Justin Tamayo, everybody. Justin Tamayo.

[Justin Tamayo]

So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands, and when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, if you look just right out there, you can see Epstein's Island. What the fuck? He looked over at his wife. What the fuck? He said, yeah, and if you go on the beach, you grab a seashell, you can hear a kid cry. Yeah, it's fucked up. Y' all laughed at that, but that's. Yeah, Sorry. You got any single people here? Yeah, yeah, I'm doing that. Online dating, or what I call. I keep getting tricked by fat girls. The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones. Cause, no, that is not the threesome I want to have.

[Mason Bird]

All right.

[Justin Tamayo]

I'm Justin Tamayo. Thank you, guys.

[Brian Redban]

Justin Tamayo, everybody. Welcome. Justin, is this your first time on the show?

[Justin Tamayo]

Absolutely, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How long you been doing stand up?

[Justin Tamayo]

About two and a half and some change.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Justin Tamayo]

Just local. Austin. Anderson Mill Pub. Gotta love that. The open mic you can get on there. It's hard as shit. So.

[Jack Shaw]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a

[Brian Redban]

chance to perform at the Anderson Pub.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know somebody so hard to do.

[Andrew Santino]

Andrew Santino, I love your disdain for fat girls. I think that's great. I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women. I like that. Dude. That's good. Especially because you're in such good shape. I like that. You're like these fat girls, man. That's cool. Yeah, fuck them, dude. Right on. Good for you, dude. Rock and roll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often are you getting tricked by fat girls? How often does this happen?

[Justin Tamayo]

It happens a lot, and I'm sure every guy here can attest to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the trick that they're doing?

[Justin Tamayo]

No one.

[Brian Redban]

How do they trick you? What are they doing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are they using filters on their pictures?

[Jesse Vasquez]

It's.

[Jimmy Carr]

It's.

[Justin Tamayo]

It's the angles, man. It's the angles. The hair. They put the hair and they got the. They prompt the titties up there and it's just every guy's like, yes, swipe.

[Brian Redban]

And then they're like.

[Justin Tamayo]

They see him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you end up out on dates with these people and. And then what do you. What. How does it go? Do you end up clo. Finishing anyway because you're already committed. You.

[Brian Redban]

No, I mean, what do you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fake a stomachache and go home early?

[Justin Tamayo]

It's good. That's good, actually.

[Mason Bird]

It is good.

[Justin Tamayo]

No, so what I started doing was meeting him at Wendy's. And I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true what you're saying?

[Justin Tamayo]

I do a little drive by.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man.

[Brian Redban]

This happens a lot.

[Justin Tamayo]

It did. It did.

[Andrew Santino]

Are you sure you don't want anything?

[Justin Tamayo]

No. I mean, the worst thing, they get a Frosty out of it and everybody's happy.

[Jimmy Carr]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. But seriously, though, what's the limit? Like, when do you decide? Jimmy Car. You want to jump in on this?

[Jimmy Carr]

Well, yeah, I mean, the fat shaming thing, I mean, if you're.

[Brian Redban]

Come on, lighten up.

[Jimmy Carr]

And do you not like a larger lady? There's more cushion for the pushing. That's something.

[Justin Tamayo]

Honestly, it's. I have an air mattress topper, and if they're bigger than me, we just fold in there like a black hole.

[Chris Reese]

Just.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, this is an insecurity thing is what this is.

[Justin Tamayo]

No, I just want to be able to fuck, honestly.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, okay.

[Justin Tamayo]

I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole.

[Jimmy Carr]

Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man.

[Mason Bird]

Okay.

[Justin Tamayo]

It's hot out here.

[Jimmy Carr]

Solid advice, I would say. Solving for comfort. I see. I like the Epstein island thing, you know?

[Justin Tamayo]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was good. It was good. How did you break your nose when you were younger?

[Jimmy Carr]

Fuck. I'm going to guess it was a fat girl.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah? Yeah. And I'm going to guess that there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their friends afterwards

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and go yeah, this guy had a real crooked nose.

[Brian Redban]

It was weird. It was like staring at his face.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looked good in the pictures because

[Brian Redban]

of the angles, but then. But then when he was. When we were at Wendy's eating our baconators together with Red Ban across the restaurant from. I couldn't help but to notice that he had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His nose was crooked as all. It was all I could pay attention to and think of. It's a basketball accident or something.

[Justin Tamayo]

It's. I got to tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you got a crooked nose right now.

[Brian Redban]

Right now. You've never been told this before?

[David Lucas]

Never.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Andrew Santino]

You've never been photographed before my speech.

[Brian Redban]

The angle of your mirror, man.

[Jimmy Carr]

Wait till he hears what happened to his mustache.

[Brian Redban]

What do you do for work?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Justin?

[Justin Tamayo]

This is. I'm a pool guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jimmy Carr]

Clean pool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Clean pools. All right.

[Andrew Santino]

Fat girls, huh?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Catch some whales in that net with your little shark fin nose, man. Yeah, dude, it's crooked as a.

[Jimmy Carr]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I ask.

[Jimmy Carr]

So you're on the online dating apps. I'm not really an aficionado of such things, but how do you describe your body type?

[Justin Tamayo]

I'm. I'm finding out right now. Probably wrong. And I should have put in the crooked nose part.

[Jimmy Carr]

Now is the least of your worries.

[Ari Matti]

Is it?

[Marvin Izzy]

Oh, my.

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm talking more about the. What are you with? You like a B cup, right?

[Justin Tamayo]

Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Think he has them pushed up a little bit tonight. What do you have in your bio on your dating app?

[Justin Tamayo]

Honestly, I, I. I don't online date anymore. Oh, an old joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Justin Tamayo]

Been cooking it and been loving getting roasted by you guys for it, so.

[Brian Redban]

It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Jimmy Carr]

Oh, you'll be all right.

[Andrew Santino]

I'll be good. Yeah. We love you. We still love you. Do you do any pool material? There's gotta be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools.

[Justin Tamayo]

Yeah, I mean, there's. There isn't. Like, I've been. How I've been diving into, like, where I write my jokes has been, like, piece by piece, and I haven't kind of got there yet. Honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I ask a question? Yes.

[Jimmy Carr]

Just on behalf of everyone. Is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool? No. No, that doesn't exist.

[Justin Tamayo]

That's.

[Jimmy Carr]

No, because sometimes I pee in the pool, and that's not really an issue. But sometimes I pee into the pool.

[Brian Redban]

Pool.

[Justin Tamayo]

That's the problem.

[Jimmy Carr]

Get upset with that.

[Justin Tamayo]

Right. Of course. There's the splash.

[Jimmy Carr]

There's no chemical so unless they can't chew dick in.

[Justin Tamayo]

Right, Absolutely.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I have a poll question. I. I heard when you smell chlorine, I always thought, wow, they just changed the water or whatever. I heard that's the actual smell of

[Justin Tamayo]

pee in the pool when you smell it. That's the dead.

[Brian Redban]

I could answer that.

[Jimmy Carr]

The dead pee?

[Justin Tamayo]

Well, the dead chlorine that. That's made kills.

[Brian Redban]

Right? So that's right.

[Justin Tamayo]

Well, I get. I mean, if you. If you're just peeing in your pool, that's all you got, then. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

No. No smell of dead chlorine. That means it killed a pee. No, no, no, that's not what that means.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, this is.

[Brian Redban]

If I put chlorine. If you put chlorine in the pool, it smells like chlorine. Doesn't mean someone pissed. Chlorine smells like chlorine.

[Ari Matti]

That's what I thought.

[Brian Redban]

Piss smells like piss.

[Mason Bird]

I heard it.

[Jimmy Carr]

Somebody told me.

[Brian Redban]

I think you should write some science. Science, Everybody, you got Anthony Fauci over here trying to. Trying to fudge the number. Our studies show that. Our studies show that if you smell

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

chlorine, it's actually piss. By our own research, done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. All right, Justin, what's the. What. What is the craziest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool?

[Justin Tamayo]

Oh, I found two baby deers.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. I thought. Thank God you said deers because I just thought you were gonna end with two babies.

[Justin Tamayo]

It was gonna be the same thing.

[Jimmy Carr]

You just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how big were the deers? I mean, around Christmas time, was it perhaps.

[Justin Tamayo]

Well, no, it was just after, like a gnarly rainstorm. So the pool got super high and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime. They just walked in there.

[Jimmy Carr]

The pool got high, right?

[Justin Tamayo]

Yeah, it's got.

[Jimmy Carr]

The pool went above the level of the water level?

[Justin Tamayo]

Well, no, the water level kind of just went level and they couldn't tell it went level.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Right.

[Jimmy Carr]

You know, like a pool.

[Justin Tamayo]

Right. So, okay, trying to reel off.

[Brian Redban]

Red Band's trying to prove to me that the smell of. Cory is actually. He's asking AI and showing me. But the question he asked is smell of chlorine is actually pee. When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like. Well, yes, the sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine, but rather chloramines, a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen containing substrate substances found in urine, sweat, and other bodily fluids.

[Brian Redban]

High levels of these.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get your cigarette away from me.

[Brian Redban]

High levels of these. Chloramines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria.

[Jimmy Carr]

What does it say at the bottom there?

[Brian Redban]

No fat chicks who wrote it is amazing. There's also a postmates order that's halfway filled. His shopping cart is filled.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Justin Tamayo, congratulations. You're leaving here also with a medium joke book. Congratulations.

[Brian Redban]

There he goes. Justin Timayo, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vasquez, everyone. Jesse Vasquez.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Hello, everybody. What's going on? All right, well, Kill Tony.

[Paul Ramirez]

Hi.

[Jesse Vasquez]

All right. AR15, bulletproof vest, pistol and bullets. What do we call those? School supplies. All right, all right, all right. Thank you, thank you. All right. Speaking of shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently. I never met the guy, but I hear he's a real pain in the neck. Oh, I'm sorry, guys, I'm sorry. I figure if I bomb hard enough, Trump will tweet about it. All right, all right, all right. I get told I look like I'm gonna kill somebody a lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries. I'm nervous as fuck, guys. Appreciate it. All right, all right, all right. I already said that.

[David Lucas]

All right.

[Jesse Vasquez]

How do you come on a senator? You filibust a nut on her?

[Chris Reese]

No.

[Jesse Vasquez]

All right, all right. I'm thinking of having a not tying seminar for suicide survivors. Second time's a charm, right? No, too dark. All right, guys. All right, last thing, real quick.

[Brian Redban]

Most girls, they're stopping you there, Jesse. I'm gonna jump in too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's enough. Hi, Jesse.

[Brian Redban]

Have you ever done stand up before?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, I have. I'm nervous as Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, why, why are you extra nervous right now?

[Brian Redban]

I'm on Kill Tony, right?

[Jesse Vasquez]

I've performed in front of maybe about 15 people.

[Justin Tamayo]

Is the most so far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How many times have you attempted stand up comedy? You memorize none of your jokes. You're not even good at reading your

[Brian Redban]

jokes off of the paper that you prepared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like literally anybody could do what you just did.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, they can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Especially making fun of Charlie Clark, most

[Brian Redban]

famous guy in the world right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got his name 50% correct.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I it up. My bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you it all up, buddy.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, sir, it all up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So again, how long. How many times have you attempted standup comedy?

[Jesse Vasquez]

I've been in Austin for about two months. I'd say maybe twice a week so far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Twice A week? Yeah. Okay.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it been going? Do you always write off the paper like that?

[Jesse Vasquez]

No, I don't. I just. I wrote it down. I. I knew I was in a blank soon as got up here, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Take a guess. I bet you get on the first shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet I don't.

[Brian Redban]

Delivery drivers.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I do a delivery. I'm a delivery. I do door dash.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I do security at ACL next month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Jesse Vasquez]

36.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And why is it that you're just delivering things? So what, have you not gotten good at anything?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about it. Why'd you go to prison?

[Andrew Santino]

So now I'll engage.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Final.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah, obviously, I went to prison. I'm pretty sure y' all can tell

[Brian Redban]

this is what you're good at talking about. Look how different his body language is. Okay, here we go. All right. Starts moving. The nervousness is gone. I feel like this is your thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the prison guy.

[Brian Redban]

Tell us about.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Take it. Yeah, well, first time I went to prison, a year and a half for weed. Okay, about 100 pounds of weed. And then the second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The second hundred pounds of weed.

[Jimmy Carr]

Pounds of weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a means worth of weed.

[Jesse Vasquez]

That's just one time. There's a 33 pounds. And another time with 40 pounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jimmy Carr]

33 and 40. And that's a hundred.

[Jesse Vasquez]

No, no, no, no. Three separate times. 133.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates.

[Jesse Vasquez]

And then the second time, I got caught. Well, it was a conspiracy. It was 57 illegals. We're being transported.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. Go ahead.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I rented the guy the U Haul that took a bunch of illegals somewhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ran into the guy rented.

[Jimmy Carr]

You rented the guy the U Haul. I heard that U Haul had that business.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes.

[Jimmy Carr]

Don't they rent the U Hauls?

[Jesse Vasquez]

I rented it for him.

[Jimmy Carr]

You rented it for him through U Haul.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Okay, and then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back.

[Jimmy Carr]

And then it sounds very much like you were the guy.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it really does.

[Jimmy Carr]

I don't want to give you a hot top.

[Brian Redban]

I got receipts. So how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to run this extremely illegal operation? How much money did you.

[Jesse Vasquez]

1500 bucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1500 bucks.

[Jimmy Carr]

And how long did you do in jail?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Three and a half years.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, hey.

[Jimmy Carr]

1500 bucks worth it.

[Brian Redban]

It's like an iPhone. Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three and a half years. And those are the two times. Those are the only two times you've been to jail.

[Jesse Vasquez]

To prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I've been to jail lots of times.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, tell us about some of the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

times you've been to jail.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Got caught with small amount, smaller amounts of marijuana. Pretty much it. I mean, a lot of weed tickets.

[Jimmy Carr]

At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America?

[Jesse Vasquez]

No.

[Jimmy Carr]

That must be an annoying.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Very upset. But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it all in Texas, all these things?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Me?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. See how he knows the terminology? He knows only prison shit.

[Andrew Santino]

When you look at your face, I could tell the guys were like, Jesse's gonna take the hit for sure.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Like, this guy definitely gets busted. 100%.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesse, what was it like in prison? Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive. Would you make a little like, quesadilla out of Doritos? Like crumbled up crumb cakes or something?

[Jesse Vasquez]

It's funny that you say that, Tony. It happens a lot in there. I actually would just buy, like I had my own store. Just buy and resell it with stamps. Stamps is money in prison, guys. Dollar stamps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay, good.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Jesse Vasquez]

So you walk around with a fat stack of stamps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shove a bunch of stamps up my ass for if I ever get sent to prison.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Stampos.com.

[Andrew Santino]

i gotta say something. I said this to the. The other guy too. Your material should be about prison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I mean, everything that's such a wealth of like, it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear.

[Jesse Vasquez]

It'll be fun. Yeah.

[Justin Tamayo]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

I want to know, like, did you. Were you. Were you a. Were you a guy?

[Brian Redban]

Were you.

[Jimmy Carr]

He was a.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Well, I know I got kind of lucky that I'm not.

[Jimmy Carr]

He was a good looking guy, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going, keep going. Keep answering your question. Go ahead.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I feel like I just look scary. I get told, like, I'm serious about that.

[Donna Lee]

Who?

[Jesse Vasquez]

People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people. But why would you go say that to somebody?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, it looks like they want.

[Andrew Santino]

Kind of makes you want to kill somebody, doesn't it?

[Brian Redban]

Exactly, yeah.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

But you would never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People that have been to prison multiple times never do anything.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yeah, you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees. Without a doubt.

[Brian Redban]

The trunk opens for just a moment, you see those eyes, and then it's just darkness.

[Andrew Santino]

He's got a tattoo that says, please stop.

[Jimmy Carr]

Don't.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I feel like you look at me. You don't know if I'm gonna you or I'm gonna kill you. Either way, I'm coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, there's a good one. All right, there you go.

[Jimmy Carr]

Jesse, I feel like it's a. It's definitely both. And it's what order.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Oh, yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Well, I personally, I hope he kills me first.

[Jesse Vasquez]

The other part of that is that

[Jimmy Carr]

he does whatever he's gonna to do. I think we're all in agreement. You should write a set about being in prison. That's interesting thing about I will the edgy jokes. You got to be so good at comedy before you take on material that's that heavy.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yes, sir.

[Jimmy Carr]

Don't do it until you're ready to do it. The squeeze has to. The juice has to be worth the squeeze.

[Brian Redban]

Right?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Got it.

[Jimmy Carr]

You got nothing there. Leave that stuff alone. Just talk about you first person.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, hell, yeah. No doubt about it. Let me ask you this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Jesse Vasquez]

No.

[Brian Redban]

With any close calls?

[Paul Ramirez]

No.

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so did you just use your imagination and, like, masturbate? They're like, what did you do?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Oh, they got plenty of. Well, so there's guys in there, okay.

[Brian Redban]

Jerking off to a stamp. George Washington, just like. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, more like Abraham Lincoln. Am I right? This dude's hot.

[Chris Reese]

It's.

[Jesse Vasquez]

It's kind of neat because. So there's people that have been in there for a long time. I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born and just saying that because.

[William Montgomery]

Right.

[Brian Redban]

Band.

[Jimmy Carr]

Come on. Anyway, he got to meet his dad.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Jesse Vasquez]

There's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore, but they used to. So there's a lot of, like, 80s and 90s, like, you know, magazines and like that. So you get little blasts from the past, you know.

[Brian Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Not the first time you've seen a hundred pounds of bush.

[Andrew Santino]

Were you.

[Brian Redban]

Were you joke, everybody?

[Andrew Santino]

Were you bummed that you never got picked, that no one.

[Jesse Vasquez]

I never got picked? I got picked on Kill Tony. I can't get picked?

[Andrew Santino]

No. Are you bummed that no one in prison wanted you?

[Jimmy Carr]

Well, you bummed.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, did that kind of. It's like everybody wants to. You don't want to be.

[Jesse Vasquez]

You know, I'll take what I can get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, good news. What you're getting is the size of a stamp.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, it's a little choke buck. There you go, buddy. Oh, if you only caught books as well as you catch Charges. Yes. There he goes. Jesse Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness, we're having fun. Some very compelling interviews by these bucket bulls. Not a big joke book yet, but great interviews. Make some noise for your next one. It's Paul Ramirez, everybody. Bucket hole number four.

[Paul Ramirez]

So I just got told I looked like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction. Hell, yeah, dude. I sucked the Pikachu from dick, you know? All right. That sucked. Hell, yeah. I just graduated high school about a year ago today, and I found out in the news that my old high school teacher, he got arrested for training as in exchange for sex. Which wasn't news to me because I was a straight A student back in high school. He taught me a valuable lesson, though. One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life you gotta give head to get ahead, you know? High school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know? And my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings. My school came up with a program we'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school, you know, which benefited me. Cause it made me Mr. Popular back in high school. I don't know why I was gonna shoot up to school. I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know? Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Paul Ramirez with his Kiltoni debut. How old are you, Paul?

[Paul Ramirez]

Scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Paul Ramirez]

Scared.

[Brian Redban]

How old are you, Paul?

[Paul Ramirez]

Oh, my bad. 22.

[Brian Redban]

Hold on. What did you think I said?

[Paul Ramirez]

How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love it. Okay, and you were in high school until you were 21.

[Brian Redban]

Why?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

How.

[Brian Redban]

How did this happen, Paul?

[Paul Ramirez]

Oh, no, I'm gay.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What did that have to do with it?

[Paul Ramirez]

I don't know, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Paul Ramirez]

I ran out of things to say.

[Brian Redban]

It's okay, Paul.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just think of the real answers.

[Brian Redban]

You don't have to, like, have a joke prepared for everything. This is. I'm trying too hard, so don't do that. Just answer. Answer honestly, Paul. You're doing good, buddy. Don't worry. You're panicking.

[Paul Ramirez]

I am.

[Brian Redban]

It's okay, Paul.

[Andrew Santino]

Close your eyes, Paul.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah.

[Jack Shaw]

Think.

[Andrew Santino]

No, keep your eyes closed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Close your eyes, Paul.

[Andrew Santino]

Close your eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? Trust us.

[Andrew Santino]

Remember who you are. Know who you are. You're Paul. You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes. They did pretty good, huh, Paul?

[Brian Redban]

Do you feel good?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah. Now open your eyes. Here we are, Paul. Welcome to Kill Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Paul Ramirez. Where are you from, Paul?

[Paul Ramirez]

El Paso.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

How long have you been in Austin?

[Paul Ramirez]

Two days.

[Brian Redban]

I love it. How long you staying for?

[Paul Ramirez]

I leave tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what else have you. What else are your plans in Austin or what have you done since being here?

[Paul Ramirez]

I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Andrew Santino]

Today?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that today?

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. How many beers did you have?

[Paul Ramirez]

Have like four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Four beers?

[Aaron West]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have any drinks at the bar next door?

[Paul Ramirez]

No, it's too expensive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Paul Ramirez]

It's like 20 bucks for two drinks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room?

[Paul Ramirez]

Oh, Circle K. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many beers did you buy?

[Brian Redban]

Four.

[Paul Ramirez]

I bought a 12 pack, but I split it between my friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You're staying in a hotel with friends?

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many guys are in this hotel room?

[Paul Ramirez]

Oh, dude, like three and one girl.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Two beds?

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah, I sleep on the floor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Kind of odd to be a gay

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of dudes.

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah, man, it's sick. I creep up on them at night.

[Brian Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Andrew Santino]

That poor girl.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, exactly.

[Paul Ramirez]

Nah, she just watches.

[Brian Redban]

All right, Paul.

[Andrew Santino]

Like I said, that poor girl.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Paul Ramirez]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work in El Paso?

[Paul Ramirez]

Landscaping. I'm a spic.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

All right, Paul, close your eyes again.

[Brian Redban]

Dude.

[Andrew Santino]

Good God. Take it easy, Paul.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Redban]

Wild boy Paul.

[Andrew Santino]

Bad boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stand up.

[Paul Ramirez]

I hit four years yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So you really did start when you were 18?

[Justin Tamayo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, then you're just still doing the high school joke. Because that's the one you're used.

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah, it's my best.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Everything else is.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I'm gonna get you. It is good. That joke is good.

[Justin Tamayo]

You like?

[Andrew Santino]

Good. I think it was a good little run of joke. I'm being genuine. It was a great little. You had a good. You had a good. It was really good. It all tied together was very good.

[Paul Ramirez]

Thank you, man. Yeah, I like your too.

[Andrew Santino]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you're.

[Paul Ramirez]

No.

[Andrew Santino]

This guy's the man.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. I was gonna say, I love your pa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your material is. You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, oh, I'm gay, or blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah, like, I got scared. My bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. It's all right. You're comfortable. Now take your hands out of your pockets. Relax a little bit.

[Andrew Santino]

Paul,

[Brian Redban]

What's your family like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a big family.

[Paul Ramirez]

My mom's fat.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Why do you think your mom's fat?

[Andrew Santino]

We got a bucket pull for her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry, why do you think your mom's so fat? What is she.

[Paul Ramirez]

I saw her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Brian Redban]

But. But why? What do you think she's doing? To be fat tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Did you.

[Brian Redban]

Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way. I bet you something she eats or something like that. Jimmy car. Go ahead.

[Jimmy Carr]

Did your fat mom ever fuck the pool guy?

[Paul Ramirez]

No, we don't have a pool. Just dirt. I live in El Paso.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Brian Redban]

No pools in El Paso.

[Paul Ramirez]

No, there's pools in El Paso. We just don't got one. We got grass. Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

You seem terrific.

[Paul Ramirez]

I love you, man.

[Jimmy Carr]

Yeah, you seem just kind of terrific. But I think that thing about going, so you're a gay guy, very straight acting, right?

[Paul Ramirez]

I'm not straight.

[Jimmy Carr]

No, no, but you're straight.

[Paul Ramirez]

That would suck. My bad.

[Jimmy Carr]

So that thing of like going, when did you come out?

[Paul Ramirez]

Huh?

[Jimmy Carr]

When did you come out?

[Paul Ramirez]

2003. Oh.

[David Lucas]

Oh.

[Paul Ramirez]

I was gay.

[Brian Redban]

He answers questions in such an odd way. What did you eat for breakfast? Well, I've eaten everything for breakfast that I've ever tried. For every breakfast.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, but it was literal. He said, when did you come out as gay? He said, 2003, when he was born into the world.

[Jimmy Carr]

That is the. That's the last vagina he was in.

[Brian Redban]

That's right.

[Andrew Santino]

That's right.

[Jimmy Carr]

Never again. He said, never again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yuck.

[Andrew Santino]

Are you really gay? Is this a bit or.

[Paul Ramirez]

Nah, dude, I just say that when I'm nervous.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Jimmy Carr]

Jesus, I hope this guy never goes to prison. I was just nervous.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Jimmy Carr]

I think there's something of the Belushi's about his eyes. There's something about your eyes that's very Belushi and I mean that in a. You're kind of adorable.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you.

[Jimmy Carr]

Kind of adorable, right? He's very likable.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I like him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[Paul Ramirez]

Oh yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago. It's incredible.

[Paul Ramirez]

I'm gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Brian Redban]

Catchphrase, ladies and gentlemen.

[Andrew Santino]

It's never gonna get old. Yeah, I like that.

[Paul Ramirez]

Sweet.

[Brian Redban]

Put it on merch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have merch that says I'm gay?

[Paul Ramirez]

No, I have merch about my mom's.

[Brian Redban]

Your mom has a. I hope so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okie dokie.

[Brian Redban]

Again. Some people bad minutes, good interviews. Some people good minutes, bad interviews.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book.

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

There he goes, Paul Ramirez. Wow. Amazing. Let's get through another one here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Who seems to be the first non Latino of the night? Four in a row, these people. Thank you, Joe Biden, for letting these People in. All right, Mix for your first non Latino bucket pool of the night. Chris Rees, everybody. Chris Reese. Oh, he might be Latino too. Everyone, Chris Reese, everyone.

[Chris Reese]

I hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican. I just got born with that white skin. Thank God, staying in this country. Been going through a rough patch sexually, sir. So your relationship pisses me off. I have. I've been going through a rough patch, actually. So naturally I have to get really good at masturbating. Yeah. You good at masturbating, Asian man? Are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate? Just two chopsticks on the shaft. Up and down. No, I'm really good. I got a really good method for masturbating. I go on my phone and I text all my contacts. I'm gonna kill myself, shove it up my ass and ignore the calls while I jerk off.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah.

[Chris Reese]

Fuck yeah. My mom's frantically calling and I'm ignoring her.

[Jack Shaw]

There.

[Chris Reese]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Chris Reese.

[Brian Redban]

Honestly, after seeing that, I'm really surprised

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

people are trying to stop you from killing yourself.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The crowd work on the Asian man and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass. Welcome back, Chris. It's been a while.

[Chris Reese]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

How are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up now?

[Chris Reese]

Eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight years. And what do you do for work again?

[Chris Reese]

I've been. Recently, I've been. I build circuit boards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Chris Reese]

Yeah, this guy's my manager.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Andrew Santino]

That guy's not even Asian.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Chris Reese]

You're not Asian?

[Brian Redban]

I'm half Asian.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah.

[Chris Reese]

Okay, then I'm right.

[Andrew Santino]

Not good enough.

[Chris Reese]

Yeah, not good enough.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to Asian as all. Fuck all. So you're not registering is 50%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's used to fucking.

[Andrew Santino]

I like full.

[Marvin Izzy]

Dude.

[Chris Reese]

I build circuit boards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Chris Reese]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun?

[Chris Reese]

What do I do for fun? Mainly I just watch a lot of horror movies. When I'm not doing stand up, I do coloring books.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Horror movies and coloring books. Amazing. Like spaghetti and meatballs. They go together.

[Donna Lee]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

So, favorite coloring book? Favorite horror movie?

[Chris Reese]

Favorite coloring book? Favorite horror movie? Yeah, Favorite horror movie? The thing.

[Jimmy Carr]

The original.

[Chris Reese]

The 80s one.

[Jimmy Carr]

Yeah, that's the original.

[Chris Reese]

No. Yeah, there's one from the 50s.

[William Montgomery]

Whoa.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, whoa.

[Ari Matti]

Excellent.

[Jimmy Carr]

Okay.

[Chris Reese]

Don't come at me with that.

[Jimmy Carr]

No, I love it. I love a coloring book.

[Chris Reese]

It's a. It's called, like dark arts. Like really detailed stuff. Like horror stuff.

[Jimmy Carr]

Okay.

[Chris Reese]

The original one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jimmy Carr]

I. I just on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with, thank you for not shooting the place.

[Brian Redban]

Yep, with insulin. Am I right? Chris, how is your health?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the last time you've seen a doctor?

[Chris Reese]

Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Chris Reese]

So I'm assuming it's fine,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this rough,

[Brian Redban]

rough patch that you're in, dating wise,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what exactly do you mean? How is it in real life? Is it true?

[Chris Reese]

Dating, like, serious relationships? Yes. I don't do that. But when it comes to, like, women that look like me, yeah, I'm crushing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has there been.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Has there been a guy. Has there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you?

[Chris Reese]

A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off.

[Brian Redban]

No, he's not there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know.

[Andrew Santino]

Have you used that joke on stage? Women who look like me?

[Chris Reese]

Yeah, like once.

[Andrew Santino]

Keep that in.

[David Lucas]

Thank you.

[Andrew Santino]

That's a very good joke.

[Jimmy Carr]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With that hair and that face and those tits, It'll work every time.

[Chris Reese]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

It's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris, what's the most type of exercise,

[Brian Redban]

type of thing that you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The stairway up counts as an answer.

[Chris Reese]

The most exercise I do.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Chris Reese]

Like, I walk to 7:11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you get from 7:11 after you put in the hard work of walking there?

[Chris Reese]

Taquitos.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Chris Reese]

And I walk them off going back home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Taquitos.

[Andrew Santino]

No, no, you don't. No, no, you do not.

[Chris Reese]

You're right, I'm lying. I take an Uber back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Andrew Santino]

Can I cut your hair off?

[Brian Redban]

No, no, no.

[Andrew Santino]

It's kind of my thing now.

[Chris Reese]

Want to give me a haircut during the show?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I cut some other guy's hair off.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, really?

[Andrew Santino]

You want to donate your shit to sick kids or are you going to be a bad guy?

[Chris Reese]

Do I want to donate my hair to sick kids? Of course not.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, okay.

[Chris Reese]

I'm gonna know which ones to stay away from.

[Brian Redban]

He is a sick kid. He needs it. He's gonna end up getting the Puerto Rican.

[Jimmy Carr]

Take it up a gear and circumcise him.

[Andrew Santino]

Let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want your little taquito?

[Chris Reese]

I didn't understand his accent.

[Jimmy Carr]

I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chris.

[Andrew Santino]

Here he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Other than stand up comedy? You good at anything?

[Chris Reese]

I'm a real fuck. I'm really good at coloring books.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we all are. Except for D Madness.

[Chris Reese]

No, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They have like, braille coloring. But I guess it would be stupid, right? Because you're like, which one's fucking red?

[Brian Redban]

I am, Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, thank you.

[Chris Reese]

My oddest skill is. My oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing. Like the twist in movies.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Chris Reese]

So just really useless shit, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's a movie that really surprised you? What do you think the best twist in movie history is?

[Chris Reese]

Best twist in movie history?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You seem like a big fan of the Oompa Loompas being good guys or something.

[Chris Reese]

Oh, are they good guys? It's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist. No, none of you guys know it, but it's a really good twist. Watch it.

[Jimmy Carr]

Yeah, it's kind of like the original thing from the film.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What joke book did you get last time you were on, Chris?

[Chris Reese]

The big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there you go. Did you fill it up yet? No. There you go.

[Brian Redban]

Keep working, Chris. Keep working. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those special moments that you're never gonna forget for as long as you live because you were at Kiltoni. And I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history history of the show. We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pools all night and the neurotic Jew, Jack Shaw. But everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute king of Europe, the Estonian assassin. This is our imagine.

[Ari Matti]

So I just found out that in chess, you know chess. In chess they have a separate league for women.

[Aaron West]

Why?

[Ari Matti]

In basketball it makes sense. I'm gonna jump over you. In boxing, I get it. I can just fuckin but in chess too, huh? So you're telling me it's official. You guys are stupid too, huh? Don't worry, honey cheeks. I looked into has nothing to do with intelligence. Just that the rules are a bit different. No difficult buttons, no bishops, no knights. As a matter of fact, women. Close your ears for a second, guys. They're just playing checkers. You know, in the late 90s, Garry Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all time, lost to a computer. Big development in civilization history with women. It happened in 1973. You guys lost to a microwave. That's my time.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you so much, Ari. Maddie. Showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pole. And a golden ticket winner. An absolute fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Brian Redban]

That's hilarious.

[Ari Matti]

The last one was kind of stupid. I don't know why I said that.

[Brian Redban]

So funny.

[Ari Matti]

I should have stopped at the checkers part.

[Jimmy Carr]

I think you had something there. I would go to Trans next. Oh, I would go to trans women in sports. I think you could be a chess champion. You're a wig away.

[Mason Bird]

Yes.

[Ari Matti]

You're a genius.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A wig away. A wig away.

[Brian Redban]

A wig away. All right, he's got it. Zach Brown's already.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So, Ari, that was an amazing, amazing, amazing minute. 12 seconds. What else is going on in life? It's good to see you back. You've been gone for a while. We have missed you tremendously.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, thank you so much. I mean, I did some gigs. It was amazing.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Did some.

[Ari Matti]

I did Philadelphia, Portland. I did Vancouver with you. I did Irvine Improv. Amazing. So much fun. People are actually coming out. It's great.

[Jimmy Carr]

Always one step ahead of ice.

[Ari Matti]

Always one step ahead of ice. Don't bring it up, Jimmy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are your favorite cities that you've been to? What do you love about it?

[Ari Matti]

No, Portland was awesome. Yeah, I love their homeless, you know? Yeah, they have like the cool, like. Cause here it's like they're on crack or some shit, you know, we got.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, yeah, ours are in Portland.

[Ari Matti]

They got this guy, you know, this guy

[Brian Redban]

Zombie.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Just so peaceful, dude.

[Brian Redban]

They still got fentanyl.

[Jimmy Carr]

It's like an interactive Walking Dead experience.

[Brian Redban]

But they're so peaceful.

[Ari Matti]

I put like an ashtray on one of them. They took the jobs of mimes. That's why you don't see mimes anymore. These motherfuckers are still.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, I love it. And how about Philly? What was Philly like for you?

[Jimmy Carr]

Philadelphia.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, there are animals there. It's great. Yeah. Half of the room got thrown out during the show because they just keep fucking boozing and cruising.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, they are party people there.

[Ari Matti]

It was awesome.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Matti]

A woman tried to fight me after the show.

[Jimmy Carr]

It was Greg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, what was she mad about the check?

[Ari Matti]

I didn't even get it. I hit her before I could find out. I'm an old school guy.

[Paul Ramirez]

Smack.

[Brian Redban]

You are the man, Ari. Matty, you are the man.

[Ari Matti]

You know, in Estonia, if you hit your wife, the cops show up and they go, well, what did you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how was Los Angeles? You were in LA last week? For a long week, dude.

[Ari Matti]

I was in. I was on the road in California with Martin Phillips too.

[Andrew Santino]

Got.

[Ari Matti]

We got hit by a earthquake, dude.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. I love. I love the road stories of you. And I know, dude, Phillips, him never

[Ari Matti]

been in an earthquake. I'm freaking the out. I look over at Martin Phillips. He's standing perfectly still.

[Brian Redban]

He synced up.

[Ari Matti]

Turns out the Martin isn't too Shaky. The world is too.

[Brian Redban]

Still. The great Ari Matti.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And he does the driving when you guys are on the road.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, I don't have a driver's license. It's crazy. When we get pulled over, we have David Jolly sleeping in the back, me on the passenger seat, Martin's Philly. Martin is driving, dude, when the cops pull us over, they don't know what the fuck is going on. They just keep let us going. But Martin is the best to drive with because he can park. It's fucking clunk, clunk anywhere. We don't give a fuck. I love when he's looking for a parking spot. I'm like, martin, look at you. Go in the mall. No one's gonna say shit, Martin.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah,

[Marvin Izzy]

I was gonna.

[Brian Redban]

I was looking for a spot. Holy shit. You know, the impression's great. Cause Deep Madness just started freaking out when you did that. That was amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Brian Redban]

He's the. He's the master judge at Vocal Impressions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. You got my ass soundless like that. Wow. And you got to go to the old motherland, the old homeland of ours, the Comedy Store place in which we all are always. We could just roll right back in in there if we wanted to at any point, just take it back over. But we like it here in Austin. Just a reminder. And then here you are, thriving. What was the Comedy Store like for you, going?

[Ari Matti]

Oh, yeah. It's so crazy, dude. It's such a historic place. Yeah. Everyone's so nice there.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did a lot of shows.

[Jimmy Carr]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got passed immediately, right?

[Ari Matti]

I don't think I'm passed. No. But I do get on stage there, and I'm grateful for that, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They just let you do spots everywhere. They just haven't called it official yet.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, to be on that wall, that's a dream. But I'll get to it when I get to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. I'm working about it. A lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall.

[Ari Matti]

And then fucking Camp Patterson on snl. Hell, that's crazy.

[Brian Redban]

Holy. What's happening? Although.

[Ari Matti]

So you know he's not allowed to say the N word, right? Like, they're gonna beep the N word. He's gonna sound like a truck backing up. You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Redban]

No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Cam's gonna be on Weekend Update, and it's just gonna.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just gonna.

[Ari Matti]

74 seconds too late.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Not a second too soon, by the way. Same soundboard for 12 and a half years. He's Just scanning, like. Oh, God, where is it?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Again?

[Brian Redban]

There's five pages of sound effects. 23. Number 23. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, you're unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

You came in and shook the room.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you so.

[Aaron West]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Kill Tony fans. You guys are the best. Matty. Ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian. An assassin has done it yet again. And now back to the bucket we go. Somebody's gotta follow that. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Aaron West. Make some noise for Aaron, everyone, the opportunity of a lifetime. To Aaron West.

[Aaron West]

Howdy. Howdy.

[Jimmy Carr]

Hey, thanks.

[Brian Redban]

You know, maybe it's true what they say.

[Aaron West]

Maybe meemaws do know best. Today my meemaw said, you're going out in that jacket. It looks like a giant hairless ball sack. Speaking of ball sacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often? Now, folks, the menu at Olive Garden

[Jimmy Carr]

says, take a tour of Italy.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Aaron West]

Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas? Now, folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say things like, when you're here, right here, you're family. Hey, Olive Garden, how the fuck you gonna have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls? Your Honor. Yes. I might have dropped a cannoli in the urinal. Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour.

[Andrew Santino]

You guys.

[Aaron West]

You guys like Chewy's Tex Mex? Well, guess what. They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm gonna need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit.

[Brian Redban]

Mimigo, como sirice.

[Aaron West]

Incest.

[Andrew Santino]

Waiter.

[Brian Redban]

All right. Aaron west, pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants dance jokes. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron, you've been on this show before, right?

[Aaron West]

I have. Over at the Vulcan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Welcome back. Yeah. Remind us all how long you've been doing stand up. Yeah, you can take the jacket off. You already did the ball sack joke.

[Brian Redban]

Make yourself at home out there. Totally. Totally worth it.

[Aaron West]

I wore it all day.

[Brian Redban]

Waiting for that. Yeah.

[Aaron West]

Sitting outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going.

[Aaron West]

Now, I've been doing comedy. I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Quite the work ethic. Yeah.

[Aaron West]

Taking a lot of time off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is. Yeah. Okay.

[Aaron West]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jimmy, I kind of.

[Ari Matti]

I thought.

[Jimmy Carr]

Terrible material.

[Brian Redban]

Yes. Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Fucking incredible performance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Like, your confidence, your thing. Like, I don't know what you're good at, but there's something there, and it's very special. Something very special.

[Aaron West]

Special.

[Brian Redban]

I Couldn't agree more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it is unbelievable. You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say. You're saying it in a kind of funny way. But again, the writing. Absolutely unbelievable. Howdy, Mima. Olive Garden tour of Italy in a urinal. And whatever the Chewy's thing was at the end with no transition or segue.

[Brian Redban]

You guys in a Chewy's text mix, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyone out of nowhere. But, like, again, do you. Do you try to write? Because, like, Olive Garden tour of Italy, it's kind of right. It's a thing.

[Aaron West]

Yeah. I don't know. I guess I just. I write what I know, and I eat a whole lot of Olive Garden.

[Andrew Santino]

That's the funniest shit you said about Olive Garden. That's fucking. That's very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Feels real.

[Paul Ramirez]

I don't know.

[Aaron West]

I think.

[Jimmy Carr]

I think you're a comedic actor. I think you've got a face, you've got a look. There's every. Just when you walked out, I felt like, okay, this guy knows what he's doing. I think you're very funny.

[Aaron West]

Thanks.

[Jimmy Carr]

But I think it's like someone else's writing. I think you could bring it to life. I think you really got something. And maybe. Maybe it's not stand up, maybe a sketch, maybe it's something else. But there's something very special about you. I really enjoyed it.

[Aaron West]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're great.

[Aaron West]

I did bring it up last time. I don't know if it. But yeah, no, I'm. And I'm four and a half years sober, so, like, doing comedy sober. This is my. This is my third time ever doing it sober, so it is, like, really shaky. I was back there, like, holding a

[Brian Redban]

water, but as opposed to the other,

[Jimmy Carr]

like, not to be overly serious about, but you seem so confident walking out. You seem like just. You kind of own the stage. You've got great presence. But it's that thing of, like, some people, maybe you need to work with some riders, maybe you need to work some other people. Just, like, there's such a great community around Austin. You're. There's such fucking funny people around here. Team up with someone, right? With someone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a great idea. No doubt about it. Definitely.

[Brian Redban]

Whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote tonight. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you have to get sober for your years ago? What was your problem?

[Aaron West]

Cocaine and alcohol.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And is that.

[Jimmy Carr]

Is that a good. He's done it.

[Aaron West]

You and me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol? Tell us what Bottom was like for you.

[Aaron West]

Well, I, yeah, I, I showed up. Well, no, okay. I called out of work and I wake up at 5pm and I, I call my work. I'm like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'd worked there for years. I'd never, you know, had any issue with attendance. And my boss goes, yeah, numbnuts, you already came in today and had you clocked in we would have fucking fired you, but you were on the line trying to cook something and so we just told you to get lost. Yeah, I mean I was a waiter. Like there's no fucking reason I should have been on the line in the first place.

[Brian Redban]

I might back there, like, wow, your

[Andrew Santino]

burger does look good at the Olive Garden.

[Brian Redban]

No, I'm just a big fan.

[Aaron West]

One day I'll work my way up if they'll have me.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, wait a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were so up that you went into work? This is a night shift.

[Aaron West]

Oh, no, no, I, I'm like solely a morning restaurant worker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it was breakfast.

[Aaron West]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Aaron West]

Just at the brewery I worked at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis. And one day you went in. So up. So up you went and just started cooking. Random it, yeah. Did they tell you what you were cooking? Do you remember what you were cooking? Do you remember any of it?

[Aaron West]

I don't remember any. I mean I literally Woke up at 5:30 and was like, oh my God, I was supposed to be there at 10, 10:30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jimmy Carr with the genius of getting

[Jimmy Carr]

home going, I better phone in sick. And then you'd already been to work.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, right.

[Jimmy Carr]

It's, how is that not your stand up?

[Brian Redban]

That's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so true. People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually, actually know. The honesty shines through. You can feel it. So what time of the day did you call in for that ship that they already basically told you to go home?

[Aaron West]

Like 5:30pm yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Aaron West]

Seven hours into my shift.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

Cruises.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Jimmy Carr]

Did you call your drug dealer afterwards ago? That was, that was excellent stuff.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Is there any feedback that you give them and go, look, honestly, that's some of the better?

[Aaron West]

No, no, I, I, well, I kept, I kept partying for a few years and I didn't lose that job. I mean I, I've actually never been fired from a job. I've walked out of a job. It was actually on, on 6th street here. It's kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, tell us about that. You don't have to name the place if you don't want to, but just go tell us.

[Aaron West]

I don't really care for them. Yeah, it's okay.

[Brian Redban]

I'll.

[Aaron West]

I'll. It rhymes with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It doesn't move. It doesn't matter. For the story.

[Aaron West]

It's a place that makes bread.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. Just tell the fucking story.

[Aaron West]

And yeah, so I just didn't enjoy working there. And mid shift they kept. Every time it would like start raining, I didn't have this jacket at the time. When it would start raining, they would move me to the patio and when it was nice weather, they would move me inside and they kept like doing this shit to me so I wasn't making any money. And this is a place where you did side work until it was like done, but we didn't close till 2am and as restaurants work, like, hey, more silverware comes out, more silver comes out. So you're like doing all the side work, doing all this shit. And so mid shift the manager was like, hey, we're going to change your section. I said, yeah, I know, I quit. And she was like, what is that? I got my section is going to change because I quit. Like I'm done. And yeah, that was it. I just, I left mid shift and I've never done that anywhere. Like I didn't feel great about it, but I was like fresh out of rehab and didn't want to be fucked around with.

[Jimmy Carr]

Stand your ground. Good on you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening that I asked you to specifically tell that story. So I mean, I think, I think

[Brian Redban]

I actually just hit bottom right now. You talk about finishing your side work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of. I thought it was going to be a big, cokey, alcohol infused ending, but just. No, you just were done that day.

[Jimmy Carr]

Meemaw, I think what Tony's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it. It. Yeah, read the room.

[Brian Redban]

You have a girlfriend, Aaron?

[Aaron West]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what does she do?

[Aaron West]

She works at a like homeopathic doctor's office.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adorable.

[Aaron West]

Yeah, she's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special moves in the bedroom?

[Aaron West]

Well, I don't get drunk anymore, so my dick works.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy?

[Aaron West]

Mid afternoon.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, post lunch.

[David Lucas]

Hi.

[Brian Redban]

Rockets in flight, cup of coffee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then at lunch or what?

[Brian Redban]

Well, because I get up at.

[Aaron West]

I get up at 6:30, I still do the breakfast restaurant thing. So like I'm already ready to go and then I have to wait all day at work. Talking to these knuckleheads. And then I can have sex.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Aaron West]

My section changed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. What size joke book did you get last time?

[Aaron West]

I got a large.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, you go fill it up.

[Aaron West]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron West.

[Aaron West]

All right, thanks.

[Brian Redban]

On to the next one. Is the great Jay Z once said, make some noise for Mason Bird. Here we go. No rest for the wicked. It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Mason Bird.

[Mason Bird]

I. I got an alive scooter the other day, and I drove, like 2 or 3ft and the bike stop. So I checked the app and it was like, hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, Please. Has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual? I know the exact moment I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman who. She was like, oh, hell, no.

[Brian Redban]

She was.

[Mason Bird]

I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like, the most famous painting of all time. And when I was there, this Korea couple walked up to me. They're like, hey, can you take a photo of us? And I was like, sure. And I thought, they want to take a photo like them and the Mona Lisa. But they want to take a photo with me. They're like, this guy's so fat, white, and American. We have to show our friends back at home. Dude, I look like World War 3 propaganda. There's photos of me in North Korea. This is democracy.

[Brian Redban]

This is freedom.

[Mason Bird]

This is McDonald's.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. An amazing set from Mason Bird. Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was incredible.

[Mason Bird]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. And you've been on this show before, right?

[Mason Bird]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This had to be your best set ever.

[Jimmy Carr]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You're working hard, right?

[Mason Bird]

Yes, sir. Working hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And remind us, how long you been on stand up?

[Mason Bird]

Three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. How do you make money?

[Mason Bird]

I work at Jersey Mike's.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah. There it is.

[Mason Bird]

Making it Mike's way.

[Brian Redban]

There it is.

[Mason Bird]

I'm Big Mike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. What else you been doing in life? What's different? What's changed?

[Mason Bird]

I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing at the gym?

[Mason Bird]

Lifting weights and making attractive women uncomfortable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Justin Tamayo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing to make them uncomfortable? Just existing.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Mason Bird]

Just the vibe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what kind of workouts are you doing? What are you doing with these weights? Exactly.

[Mason Bird]

I like to bench. I like to squat. I like to deadlift. I like to like to get all the anger out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Yes.

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're Doing in the gym? You're doing it wrong.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, he's doing bread lifting.

[Jimmy Carr]

What's your favorite machine in the gym? Is it vending?

[Mason Bird]

The Gatorades. I like the blue Gatorades.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Absolutely. My goodness. So what type of protein package are you using before going to the gym or after?

[Mason Bird]

I'll eat like a half a roast rotisserie chicken. Don't eat like a. Eat the other half after. It's like a reward.

[Brian Redban]

Have you talked to a doctor about this?

[Mason Bird]

Oh, me doctors don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.

[Brian Redban]

Amazing. Mason, you're killing it. You're doing it.

[Jimmy Carr]

Mason, have you done that line on stage?

[Mason Bird]

No.

[Jimmy Carr]

Write it down. That's a great line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more about the bird family. You're not built like a bird.

[Mason Bird]

No. Dad died. Cirrhosis of the liver. Drank himself to death. Real sad. But, you know, he was a bit. He was kind of a dick, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Mason Bird]

Mom still alive? She was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she cleaned up and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of drugs was she addicted to?

[Mason Bird]

Pills, like. Yeah. Worked at Ford Motor Company. That happens to all of them, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think that this family, with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you? Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all possible, possibly whatsoever? Is there anything you could think of that you might be addicted to? A way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something?

[Mason Bird]

Calories? Yeah, we're addicted to calories. No, it's. Yeah, it's probably this or alcoholism.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you drink, too?

[Mason Bird]

No, I'm afraid to become like my father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You don't want to die young.

[Mason Bird]

Well, we'll see. I gotta beat 50, and the odds are close.

[Brian Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you thought about the new modern weight loss, drugs or anything? Have you thought about this?

[Mason Bird]

Yes. I think that's cheating. Like, if you have to take Ozempic to lose weight, you're a. I think that's because if you just do it, you'll do it.

[Brian Redban]

You hear that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You Ozempic people.

[Brian Redban]

If you add any balls, you'd eat a half a rotisserie chicken every day.

[Jimmy Carr]

You.

[Brian Redban]

You think it's easy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You cheaters go get a rock.

[Brian Redban]

Rotisserie chicken, you lose.

[Jimmy Carr]

Back in my day, we didn't have Ozic. If you wanted to lose weight, you had to get aids. Have you considered going to a gay bar? Because something needs to change.

[Mason Bird]

They're all in prep now. It's kind of hard to get AIDS from them, you know? I tried. It's just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you gay, Mason?

[Mason Bird]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Justin Tamayo]

Shut up.

[Brian Redban]

Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head.

[Andrew Santino]

And someone was so upset that you weren't gay.

[Mason Bird]

Son of a bitch.

[Andrew Santino]

That I for sure thought he was gay, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle. I'm like, oh, Mason. So what's your love life like, exactly? What's going on over there? What, you're picking them up at Jersey Mike's?

[Mason Bird]

No way.

[David Lucas]

All right.

[Mason Bird]

I used to do surprisingly well, but the love life is in. Austin's been pretty rough. I do. I kill in the Midwest, though, for, like, hell, yeah. In the Midwest, I'm hot.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Mason Bird]

Here, I'm just some fat guy.

[Jimmy Carr]

Yeah, in the Midwest, you're a medium.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had. How does it go down for Mason Bird? Tell us how the bird flies.

[Mason Bird]

Oh,

[Andrew Santino]

it's a flightless bird.

[Mason Bird]

The last time I had sex,

[Ari Matti]

I

[Mason Bird]

was, like, a chef at a bar, and I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason. And just after work, she just, like, she had a boyfriend, and she just threw herself at me. And I found out I wasn't a good dude that night. I will cheat. I will help your girlfriend cheat on you. I found that out about myself. But, no, she was really fun.

[Jimmy Carr]

Did you go on top, or is she still alive?

[Mason Bird]

She's dead. Yeah. Our safe word is

[Brian Redban]

wow. Masonburg. Three years with stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much time do you think you've accumulated?

[Mason Bird]

About 20 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About 20 minutes?

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how fast are you writing? I mean, are you yourself? Your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff. I can tell.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah. I try to write, like, five minutes a week, and sometimes it's really asked, so I just get rid of it or try to make it better. But 20 minutes of good material.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing, Mason.

[Mason Bird]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. You do that at a desk. Where do you find yourself writing? What's your process?

[Mason Bird]

Desk. Desk. And I'm usually just, like, eating chips and thinking. Desk. I have a recliner I like. Lean back and stare at the ceiling. Sturdy recliner, I guess. Yeah. I just kind of turn everything off and figure it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, Mason.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love your style.

[Mason Bird]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're incredible.

[Brian Redban]

I'd love to have you on the Secret Show. Mason Bird is going to be on the Secret Show. How many times have you been on this show? Three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three times. Yeah. And you're constantly getting better. It's absolutely incredible. It's amazing, Mason. I really love your style, and I think I want to see more of you. So I'm going to make you the

[Brian Redban]

newest golden ticket winner here. Everyone's getting famous and blowing up. You, my friend, you, my friend, have done it. That's it right there. A golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody. Bing bong. We'll see your next minute soon, Mason. Congratulations. Wow. How fun. Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody. I mean, what can I say about this guy? Kill Tony hall of famer

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

who you

[Brian Redban]

know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get to see a ton of him. One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show. Here for a surprise poppin kill, Tony legend David Lucas. Ladies.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I do a lot of white shit. I hunt, I fish, I swim. I change the batteries in my smoke detector. It's so weird to me that black people never hear those fucking smoke detectors. It's like it's fucking soothing to them, you know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friend's house the other day, and his smoke. Smoke detector was beeping. I'm like, nigga, you don't hear that shit. He's like, yeah, that mean it's working.

[Brian Redban]

I'm like, what?

[David Lucas]

I'm like, no, the fuck is not. No, but black people, we don't hear that shit. We don't change our fucking smoke detectors, bro. You ever heard the saying, if you want to hide something from a nigga, put it in a book. I didn't make it. I just repeated it. I don't think that's true. I think if you want to hide something from a nigga, you should put it in a smoke detector, because we never check that the fucking cure for diabetes is in the smoke detector. All right, that's about time. Take it out.

[Brian Redban]

Fuck yeah. Exactly one minute. Hilarious, bro.

[David Lucas]

That shit crazy as hell. Jimmy Carr looked like the ghost of Tony Hinchcliffe. Nigga, that's you. Two weeks decomposed bitch. That motherfucker look like Lil Hobo. Nigga, I'm trying to see who got the remote to this nigga Face.

[Ari Matti]

I'm just.

[David Lucas]

This motherfucker look like Elder Matt Rife. All right, go ahead, Jimmy. Your go. Goosebumps. Lickin ass.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, shit,

[David Lucas]

Sorry. Do you need tea and crumpets?

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me canceled.

[David Lucas]

Jimmy said I'm not one of those kind of black people. I'm the good guy. Well, you can still say. Yeah, you can say it.

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm not. I'm not it.

[Andrew Santino]

I'll take it.

[Jimmy Carr]

Fucking funny.

[David Lucas]

Thank you, buddy. You look like you read Dr. Seuss to niggas in prison. One fish, two fish, red fish, bluefish.

[Brian Redban]

David Lucas. I got mine.

[David Lucas]

I don't know what that nigga look like, bro. That nigga look like he hosts American Idol in Ireland.

[Brian Redban]

I. I think he did. I think he actually did. Jimmy hosts, like, everything on the other side of the planet. Yeah, he hosts, like, every show in England. You put on a TV in England, it's just. What show is Jimmy Carr hosting?

[David Lucas]

That. Need a bag of blood. That pale as hell, bro. You need some of that. You need some of that color from Tony. Your ass.

[Brian Redban]

You.

[Jimmy Carr]

You were a remarkably confident man for a guy that shape. What are you working on? Type 3 diabetes.

[Brian Redban]

There we go.

[David Lucas]

There we go. I couldn't wait for your tight mouth ass to say something. Every time a nigga talk, I want to shoot a water gun in his mouth. What are you working on? Type 3 diabetes. What do you mean? Not the smoke detector,

[Brian Redban]

by the way. He did it three times before. You never heard it happen. It's red band. Hilarious.

[David Lucas]

A little black. I'm becoming white a little bit once you see me dressing like Teu Pe Herman.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Jimmy Carr]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We got. No, no. We got to shut this down now. You're criticizing what someone's wearing.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, the.

[Jimmy Carr]

You talking about goodwill.

[David Lucas]

Jimmy, I'm sorry. You dressed like you about to go fight a parking ticket nigga your ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

I heard I was parked illegally, but I want to see the queen.

[Jimmy Carr]

David.

[Brian Redban]

It's out of control right now. David wore his comfy pants for this.

[David Lucas]

This nigga's so confused. Cause they don't got niggas like that over there.

[Jimmy Carr]

Lunch with a Queen. I'm driven. I don't pop.

[David Lucas]

Oh, yeah, I forgot

[Brian Redban]

me.

[Jimmy Carr]

Talk me through the hair. Talk me through what's going on there. It's a lot.

[David Lucas]

So in. In black America, these are called dreadlocks.

[Brian Redban]

Those are thick.

[David Lucas]

You got on that Queen Diana wig.

[Brian Redban]

Queen Diana, master of English history.

[Jimmy Carr]

What was that name?

[Brian Redban]

Trying to remember now.

[David Lucas]

What the her name.

[Jimmy Carr]

Trying to remember what that name was.

[David Lucas]

Who died in the car crash. Oh, Princess Diana. That's her name. Princess Diana. I said Queen. You probably got confused. Cause all them bitches look alike. Cuz, y' all inbred.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looks like you're the one that's

[Brian Redban]

been in a Lot of bread.

[Andrew Santino]

David.

[Brian Redban]

Going ham tonight. Finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotisserie chicken.

[David Lucas]

That's crazy. I had to follow the white version of me. Nigga, that sh. I like can swap clothes and be the same person.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, we did. We went from bird to pig real quick. Amazing.

[David Lucas]

You look like Steve Urkel in whiteface.

[Brian Redban]

All right, what is going on? Were you molested by a British man before this? What happened to you?

[David Lucas]

No. Jimmy Carr's my homie, bro. Jimmy Carr.

[Jimmy Carr]

Not yet.

[David Lucas]

That gave me that Netflix deal. Nigga, I bend over like Tony Hinchcliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you used to.

[Brian Redban]

Son of a. You son of a. You ain't bending over for. This is a guy that ties his shoes sitting up with his leg propped up over his other leg.

[David Lucas]

The Illuminati didn't have to convince you to you. You was like.

[Brian Redban]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't even know what you just said.

[David Lucas]

It's okay. It's okay. Start.

[Brian Redban]

David, you are on fire right now. Absolutely incredible.

[David Lucas]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's life going? You good, man.

[David Lucas]

You know, life been amazing, bro. I was on the road with you this weekend, bro. We murdered sold out shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[David Lucas]

And Raleigh and Fort Lauderdale, bro. Tony about to shoot his new hour. That is fantastic. I can't wait for y' all to see it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[David Lucas]

It's been really amazing, dog. And I love it so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[David Lucas]

And also, Andrew Santino had an amazing special hula, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Brian Redban]

It's now white noise.

[Andrew Santino]

I love you.

[Jimmy Carr]

I just. I just go myself, Shall I? I guess I'll just go myself.

[David Lucas]

This got. He got a. He got a new tin can of cookies coming out.

[Brian Redban]

He's on fire tonight. Sometimes you just gotta let him cook. Let him cook. Let him eat. David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

Hell yeah. Catch me on tour, man. You know what I'm saying? David Lucco dot com. Appreciate it.

[Brian Redban]

Hell yeah. Jesus Christ. David Lucas. The regulars tonight, showing how different it is having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just have a.

[Brian Redban]

They have a different confidence. All found out of the bucket. This next person could be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, anything can happen. We've already given away a golden ticket.

[Brian Redban]

Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody. Donna Lee.

[Donna Lee]

Hey, everybody. How we doing? You good? My name's Donna Lee. I have a very critical Asian mom. My mom is Thai. My dad is Irish, so I'm tirish. I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce. And so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She Was very upset. I was gonna be single forever. So one day I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston, and my mom called, and she said, donna, Donna, how come you're alone? You're so very, very alone. I worry for you. And I said, why am I alone? Let's unpack that together. I said, I'm alone because you and dad proved the inability to show me love and affection as a child. And you never uttered the words I love you. And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance. I can't create lasting connections, and I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly and will always be looking for something that I cannot find. Mom. That's why I'm alone. Damned online. I just asked, why you go to Houston alone? Thank you. That's my minute. Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Boom. Exactly a minute from Donna Lee. You've been on this show once before, correct?

[Donna Lee]

I was a few months ago, and I have a lot to talk about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remind us, how long you been doing standup?

[Donna Lee]

I started doing standup in 2006, and I had my big comeback. I took five years of standup and perfected my hosting abilities. I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job. I just came back to comedy May 2024, and I'm so happy to be here right now. This is my dream. This is my dream.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Rock solid answer. Thank you, Donna Howe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you have one kid that. That's 13, or is that 23? Oh, okay. We 12 years off.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Donna Lee]

I took 12 years off because I felt guilty, and I wanted to raise my son and my stepsons, and I got a new husband and all this stuff, but I put them first. But now it's my turn to be first. So here I am. This is my dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Donna Lee]

This is my comeback story. And I was on secret show last time, and I had so much fun. So thank you.

[Brian Redban]

She brought cupcakes for everybody. Oh, my God. That's how you get booked again by Red band on the spot.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Cupcakes.

[Donna Lee]

I'm a mom.

[Brian Redban]

You want to be a regular here at the secret show? Your name on the fridge. Wow.

[Donna Lee]

When I was here last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer. That you implied.

[Brian Redban]

There you go. Absolutely.

[Donna Lee]

And I went down the rabbit hole the next day, and I wish I had hadn't. So, yep, now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer. Thanks to Tony Henchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Donna Lee]

And a lot of 25 year old boys reached out to me after that episode.

[Brian Redban]

I bet, I bet they did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They did, absolutely. So it was. Now you're, you're with the guy though. You're.

[Donna Lee]

Yes, I'm married. Yes.

[Brian Redban]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Donna Lee]

He's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he a big supporter of your comedy?

[Donna Lee]

Yes, he is. He's very supportive. He's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does he do?

[Donna Lee]

He's a custom home builder here in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. He's doing good for himself.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys live in Westlake or something like that house? Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yep.

[Donna Lee]

He builds in Westlake. So that was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're living that life. You have a Mercedes suv, a sedan.

[Brian Redban]

I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's an unbelievable talent that I have. What type of Asian is your mom?

[Donna Lee]

She's Thai.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yep. Jimmy Carr.

[Jimmy Carr]

And your, your father's Irish.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Irish.

[Donna Lee]

Tall. Irish.

[Jimmy Carr]

Tall Irish. And she's Thai?

[Donna Lee]

She's tiny. Thai. From Thailand. Yes.

[Jimmy Carr]

Right. And, and how did your father get into sex tourism?

[Donna Lee]

The Air Force.

[Jimmy Carr]

The Air Force, yes.

[Justin Tamayo]

Traditional.

[Donna Lee]

Yes. I'm a product of this country. Correct. No, I was born in Thailand and we got here as fast as we could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Donna Lee]

I,

[Jimmy Carr]

I Irish Air Force. Is that even a thing?

[Donna Lee]

No, it's the American Air Force here. He was a citizen here. I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube thanks to. Is that okay?

[Andrew Santino]

Can you do it in your mom's accent?

[Donna Lee]

Yeah, I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, let's do that. Exactly. Great idea. That's a great idea.

[Andrew Santino]

Well, because that's, that stuff takes me home, you know, that's, it's kind of my thing.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Donna Lee]

So I did a lot of posts on my page onaleecomedy.com and I was on Kill Tony, episode 722 and I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments and the very.

[Brian Redban]

As your Asian mom.

[Donna Lee]

As my Asian mom. The first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said, oh, Caitlyn Jenner, she look feminine now.

[Brian Redban]

Yep.

[Donna Lee]

And another one about Caitlyn Jenner said, oh, Caitlyn Jenner, I not know she do stand up comedy. So I think it's more funny in American, in English.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But hell yeah.

[Donna Lee]

I was also called the Teemu. Lisa Ann didn't know who that was. Had to go down that rabbit hole.

[Paul Ramirez]

Yeah.

[Donna Lee]

She's a retired porn star. For those of you who don't know.

[Jimmy Carr]

That's where I know you from.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Donna Lee]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. So do you make money in any way ever?

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. Red bands. Red band. Why would you do that? That is disrespectful. That is not nice. Don't do that. No, don't, don't.

[Chris Reese]

Love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love.

[Brian Redban]

No, don't do that. Stop that red band. Stop it. No, don't. No, I'm serious. No, don't. Don't do that.

[Jimmy Carr]

And people say Tony can't act.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't do.

[Brian Redban]

Wait, who. Who the says that I'm a great actor? Stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, don't.

[Donna Lee]

Don't do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's cr. No, that's a whole different race.

[Aaron West]

Good.

[Brian Redban]

Stop. Okay, stop.

[David Lucas]

Serious.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. That doesn't make any sense. Do you sucky sucky?

[Donna Lee]

No.

[Brian Redban]

How do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you keep this man happy? This guy could be with anybody. He has money. Right. How do you keep your man happy?

[Donna Lee]

We laugh a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, has he met your mom?

[Donna Lee]

I tried getting stuck in the washer, but I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, good. Safe word. Safe word. Has he met your mom?

[Donna Lee]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what does your mom do? She. She lives in America too.

[Donna Lee]

She actually passed away a couple of years ago. But in my act, she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. Was also.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Oh, I brought.

[Andrew Santino]

Now I feel bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a Yoko. Oh, no. Me not.

[Brian Redban]

Love you long time.

[Donna Lee]

It's over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Brian Redban]

The doctor told me Saki Saki.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. How did she pass away?

[Donna Lee]

Cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Well, if at first she don't succeed. Ty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ty again.

[Brian Redban]

It's amazing. There it is. There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Believable.

[Jimmy Carr]

We're here for a good time, not for a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. What kind of cancer was it, Tony?

[Donna Lee]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is kill, Tony. This is.

[Brian Redban]

This ain't fucking Jimmy Kimmel over here. Whoa, whoa. Okay.

[Jimmy Carr]

All right. What kind of cancer was it?

[Donna Lee]

It was liver cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Liver cancer. Wow.

[Donna Lee]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Was she a drinker?

[Donna Lee]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did she saki saki?

[Donna Lee]

She did not that. You're getting your Asians confused. That's Japanese.

[Brian Redban]

That Saki Saki joke did not get the love that it deserved. After two sucky sucky references. Saki Saki for liver cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love a good liver cancer joke.

[Donna Lee]

I did want the opportunity to thank you, though. My life changed after I was on the first time.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, well, it's gonna change again.

[David Lucas]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

It's gonna change again. You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're. You're a funny lady, Donna Lee. It's cool to see someone that. Chasing their dreams. It's a. They say this is A young person's game. But I love all different shapes and sizes of people and. And for you to come back and do what you love because you love to do it. You love the feeling that you get from. It's awesome, and you deserve it.

[Brian Redban]

Congratulations. You got a big joke book last time.

[Donna Lee]

I did, yes.

[Brian Redban]

Congratulations. You know what? I have an eight minute spot on the secret show if you want to do it. Somebody wants more. Red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cup. Everybody. Red band wants more cupcakes. Red band wants more cupcakes. Make some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back here. One of the best fucking musicians in the world. Go to the sphere. I know I am. You're gonna. You might run into us there December or January. We're gonna be there. All right. Your final bucket pull of the night. Goes by the name. This looks like a new name. I like it. Make some noise for Ronnie Rohrbach. Ronnie Rohrabach. Oh, shit, here we go. Make some noise. Your final bucket pull tonight. Ronnie Rohrabach.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Guys, I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship. I've lived here for 26 years. I was adopted by white people. I have a disability. My dad got me off a fucking tax write off. No, honestly, like, he was an asshole because growing up, he never taught me Spanish. So that any. So anytime I would act out, he would be, like, here. He'd always starting to send me back to the homeland. And, like, he goes, here they call you Ronnie. Back at home, they would call you jaguar bait. And he would always use past tense. So I knew he was serious. And the worst part about it is, growing up, like, I never thought my dad was an asshole. Like, I never thought my dad was an alcoholic. But I knew my dad was an alcoholic because at the age of four, he would make me make his cocktails for him. And you put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise. Thank you, guys.

[Brian Redban]

All right. Ronnie Rohrbach, welcome to the show, Ronnie.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

You, my friend. I call.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've called a lot of people adorable. I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

What a cutie pie you are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's wrong with your hand, little buddy?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I cerebral palsy in my left arm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are. You have. Let me tell you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen.

[Brian Redban]

You should see what our cerebral palsy people like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like, I just got to get a little here. Hey, everybody, I got a Cutie.

[Brian Redban]

What a cutie piece. Cerebral palsy's sweet.

[Jimmy Carr]

I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is one of the cupcakes

[Brian Redban]

that she brought to your place. This kid's unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this little.

[Jimmy Carr]

If you study the hand he's giving. Involuntary finger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

About once a minute there's an involuntary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, look at that middle finger.

[Brian Redban]

That's a true you Inc. Cursive. This guy says you incursive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a squiggly little middle finger. I. I can't imagine what that would feel like in my.

[Brian Redban]

Whatever. Night is young.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you off of my bad hand, you know I mean it.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Jesse Vasquez]

You

[Brian Redban]

soldier boy in this. Ronnie, how old are you?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I'm 27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are something else. How long you been doing stand up?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

About five years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years now? Amazing. All of it here in Austin?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

No, I just moved down here about six months ago. I started in Detroit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That's where you're originally from. Born and raised?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

No, I was born in Guatemala and then my parents adopted me and took me to Detroit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You're adopted?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. Look at you. You were adopted by a little white family?

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. That's how you ended up like this?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Yep. Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're what?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh, yeah. No. Guatemalans love nascar.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's. It's incredible. Amazing. So you're a NASCAR fan?

[Jimmy Carr]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else are you into, Ronnie? Tell us more about you.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

For me, like, I. I'm really into disc golf because it's a one handed thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. What else?

[Brian Redban]

Tell us more.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I grew up playing football, which was like a big expectation for my own doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh. A lot of fumbles.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

They never let me touch the ball.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, perfect.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

The only time I would get out is like when we were either murdering our team or getting absolutely murdered.

[Brian Redban]

Right, right.

[Jimmy Carr]

You're not considered being a mascot.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Too short.

[Jimmy Carr]

Too short to be a mascot?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Yeah, you got to be like 54 to be a mascot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Jimmy Carr]

You've got to be 5 4.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I. I looked it up, dude. Clearly he wanted this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Somehow this is sadder than the other

[Brian Redban]

lady's mom's cancer diagnosis is finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream is a mess. Oh my God, Ronnie. What else? I want to interview you forever.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Another thing about me is that

[Brian Redban]

the cutest guy of all time?

[Jimmy Carr]

There's more things. Tell us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, tell us everything, Ronnie.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I Came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Some of you might not know what goes on in Detroit. Exactly. Well, prettiest butthole competitions are.

[Andrew Santino]

Would you like to reprise?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Wait, no, no, no, no. Let's not. Let's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's not.

[Paul Ramirez]

No, the problem.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

The problem is, like, for me, like, I would need someone else to hold my other cheek because you can only get half the fish.

[Brian Redban]

Andrew Santino. And no, we can't pull out his butthole. It's a. It's a. I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration that.

[Jimmy Carr]

Pass me the knife.

[Brian Redban]

We're going to cut it out and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

then display it on a.

[Jack Shaw]

Wrong.

[Andrew Santino]

I would do it, dude. You know I was going to do it.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Oh, I believe you.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, I like you.

[Jimmy Carr]

Where was this.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Where was this competition held?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

It was in Lansing, Michigan.

[Andrew Santino]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, what.

[Brian Redban]

What did number one look like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did they beat you?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

So number two, like, I don't know if anyone ever seen, like, but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

And, like, he farted at one point and, like, a shot out.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

It was amazing.

[Jack Shaw]

All right.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

Here's me thinking Kill Shoney is a great show. That's a great.

[Brian Redban]

That is a great show. I'm gonna get the number two guy on Give him a minute next week.

[Jimmy Carr]

Sorry. That was the number two guy who won.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

So this lady, she was from Oklahoma, and, like, she had a flower tattooed on her ass like this. Like, the center of the flower was the sphincter.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

And what was your. What was your spin? How did you get third?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Well, because I. So they had an interview section, and I told everyone it was my Make a wish.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

Very good.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Andrew Santino]

Very good.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. Unbelievable.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I literally went from eighth to third in five words.

[Jimmy Carr]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Oh, natural. I felt very accomplished.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Andrew's gonna cut the hair off of

[Brian Redban]

it with Zach Brown's knife. Right, right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Ronnie. So you're 27. What do you do for work? How do you make money, Ronnie?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I do doordash right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. I mean, actually totally believable.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I mean, like, I got. I kind of got fired from my last job. I was a pool boy. Or as I like to say, I was going around, like, I was going around this, like, fucking up every middle aged woman's fucking wet dream to see my gumpy ass walk in.

[Jimmy Carr]

That's incredible. I know you're many years away from your First Netflix special, but My Gumpy Ass might well be the title.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I'll definitely put that in the notes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. So it's amazing because you're like an anomaly. You're like so many of the people. We had a pool guy on earlier. We had a door dash guy on earlier. This is.

[Jimmy Carr]

We had an.

[Jesse Vasquez]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

amazing, Ronnie. So do you ever have a crazy doordash? Do you have any moments that.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Yeah, the other day they had me doordashing tires.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I felt that was like racially profiled. I'm like, I don't know how I look, but, like, you're gonna have my cripple ass with four heavy tires.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. How did you do it?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I fucking had a white person help me.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, that's right.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

And don't you forget it.

[Jimmy Carr]

Ronnie, did you. Did you tell them it was your. Make a wish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, Ronnie, you are incredible.

[Andrew Santino]

Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person. Guatemalan. Sorry. Guatemala.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live here now?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, I live down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you lived in Austin?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

For about six months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Austin? Tell us what you're doing for fun out there.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I honestly, I love just like seeing people who look like me. So I can know which haircuts I can and cannot go with.

[Jimmy Carr]

Can I be the first to say no one else looks like you? You're a non fungible human.

[Brian Redban]

Is that haircut?

[Jimmy Carr]

What the fuck? Hang on, there's another one in a hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a bunch of them over there.

[Brian Redban]

They're everywhere. What is that haircut? Is that like Steve Carell from the office? What are you rocking right now?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I don't know. I had a white barber and I like, for like the longest time. I just walked in, I'm like, just do it. Just don't fuck me up. And this is what I've been going with.

[Brian Redban]

It looks great.

[Jimmy Carr]

White people, it looks great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ronnie, what's your love life like? Ronnie, You've been with the girl.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

It's really non existent right now. I just been focusing on comedy lately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that. Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I actually. A stripper.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, wow. Jesus. Ronnie. Ronnie. Oh, my goodness. You've activated the lights. Ronnie, tell us about this stripper shimmy car.

[Jimmy Carr]

That sounds like a hell of a Tuesday morning morning.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, no doubt about it.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

So, like, what actually happened was that I was like, I applied for disability and got denied and like, I got my tax write off. So I was like, I'm going to the strip club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let me real quick. How much Was this tax write off for exactly?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I think it was like 1500.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

1500.

[Brian Redban]

Let's blow it right away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, straight to the strip club.

[Brian Redban]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you wear to the strip club? Was it that.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I was wearing a Batman shirt?

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah, brother. Oh yeah.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

It had the abs and everything on.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Jimmy Carr]

My friend.

[Brian Redban]

There is. That's right.

[Jimmy Carr]

There isn't a dry seat in the house.

[Brian Redban]

Yes, exactly.

[Jimmy Carr]

You and a Batman T shirt, please.

[Brian Redban]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The manager came into the champagne room

[Brian Redban]

and he's like, where is she?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're wearing a Batman Batman shirt, you show up to the strip club, just that music playing in your head. What's that song that the. With the horns? That is.

[Jimmy Carr]

What are you, five foot two? You're lucky you didn't drown in.

[Brian Redban]

No, no, not that one. No, the. The one that's the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The more.

[Andrew Santino]

Was that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pick up. Pick up the pieces. What is that? What is that? Pick up the pieces. You know what the I'm talking about.

[Brian Redban]

Ah, forget it. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have cool music playing in your

[Brian Redban]

head that YouTube won't let us reproduce right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what goes on? First stripper you see.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Well, yeah, not the first stripper I saw because like the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a language barrier there.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yep, yep. Don't judge by the color of their

[Brian Redban]

skin, but by the language they speak.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what d madness lives by as well. Go ahead.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Because if like. Because like the thing is, like, I can't speak Spanish, so I can't bargain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're damn right. And the bargaining is necessary. We need.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

So it was a white woman and like she's like, let's go to the champagne room and everything. And like I was like, oh, no, get back there. I'm like, oh, no, I gotta negotiate condom or not. And like she just literally grabbed it and put it right in.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Brian Redban]

And that's how he got cerebral palsy, everybody. Before that, his left arm was totally fine. He was the quarterback of the football team. A left handed quarterback. Before that.

[Andrew Santino]

I like how you were gonna negotiate condom or not? Condom. You didn't want to.

[Jimmy Carr]

You were just the price.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah, condom, yeah, you were used. So you wanted no condom.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I didn't want it, but like, I was just like, I wasn't not gonna. Just like not negotiate. Try to get a couple bucks off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what did you get it down to? Let's talk about the negotiation process.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

It was like, I think 350.

[Brian Redban]

That's pretty raw dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The stripper in Detroit for three.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

No, this was in Austin.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa. Oh my goodness. America. Don't ask. Okay?

[Andrew Santino]

Don't ask.

[Brian Redban]

Should I ask what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which strip club.

[Brian Redban]

We all know which strip club was.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Was Rick's cabinet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, it was what?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Rick's cabinet. So north of 35.

[Brian Redban]

Hold on. There's a patch of the room. Losing their minds. I think they're having an employee outing right now.

[Andrew Santino]

3.

[Brian Redban]

350 is the Ewok price. What was that? 350 is the Ewok price. You are a little Ewok.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you. That's what it is. I've been wondering what you remind me of your. The.

[Brian Redban]

We have the Estonian assassin and the Guatemalan Ewok tonight. This is absolutely incredible. Zach Brown with the call on the field.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was wondering what the. You were. That's what it is. Look at you.

[Jimmy Carr]

We shaved an Ewok and got him late. Austin, what a town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. So, 350 and so you're negotiating, right? You're sitting there and you go, you

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

know I'd really like to have sex

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with you like that, right? Is that what you said?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Well, she was the one who initiated it, which made me kind of thrown off a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did she say exactly?

[Jimmy Carr]

She goes, I wanna fuck you.

[Brian Redban]

I need to fuck you. I will dominate you, Batman. Name your price, for the bidding shall be mine and the chlamydia shall be yours. Your abs have confused me, Batman. 350 is a deal.

[Andrew Santino]

What did she say?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

No, she was just like. She was just. I think like she was just down from it from the beginning. Because like whenever I'm like at the strip club, like I like having a real conversation. I'm like, so what'd you do on Tuesday?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, you're the cutest human being of all time.

[Andrew Santino]

Was that. So was this the first and last time at that or. This is right?

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

That was the first time I've ever been there. I haven't been back. I should go back. But. But now after this, I don't think they want me back.

[Brian Redban]

No, I think they do. I think you just blew up their business big time. Everybody just found out they can for 350 with a 1500 dollar tax. Tax return, my friend. I do believe that's about four or five.

[Jimmy Carr]

Why are we still here?

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yes. Let's all go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know where the after party is

[Brian Redban]

and we're taking the sweetie walk with us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So again, what exactly does this stripper say?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Well, so I was just like, there she goes. Do you want to go to the champagne room. I'm like, all right, but, like, what are we going to do? And which kind of shows how, like, I'm innocent in a way. I was like, what are we gonna do? And she goes, I'll make sure it's your worth your time. I'm like, all right, let's do this. I'm always down for the game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so then what happened?

[Andrew Santino]

This guy goes, I'm innocent. He was like, let's go, Raw Dog. It's like, nothing innocent about you at all. The moment your cop is out, you're like, I'm putting this inside of you right now.

[Brian Redban]

It really is.

[Jimmy Carr]

I'm so.

[Brian Redban]

Who me? I'm so innocent. It really, really is.

[Andrew Santino]

I love you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are something else. So again, I make sure it's worth your time. But then again, how do you get to raw dogging? Yeah, I mean, it would make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with, you know, underwear on for two songs. How do you get to.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Well, so she goes, we literally walk into the champagne room. She goes, go sit in that corner and take it out. I'm like, okay, what?

[Brian Redban]

What? I'm sorry. Yellow Rose and Red Rose have been sponsoring us for a long time. But let me tell you, that place sucks compared to this, because sit in the corner and pull it out. This is the world's greatest strip of all time. It's amazing what the risk. What's it called?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

It was Rick's Cabinet.

[Brian Redban]

We have it on Yelp right here. Rick's Cabaret. Rick's Cabaret. Let's read some Yelp reviews. Holy. Oh, my God. Well, you know what we're gonna do, because it's tradition here, we're gonna start with the one star reviews. But I. I gotta tell you, this is the. I'm gonna go to some five star reviews, too. Let's actually start with the fives, and then we'll go to the ones that list the STDs.

[Jimmy Carr]

That's a five star review right there.

[Brian Redban]

It. Oh, no doubt about it.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

If they want to sponsor me, I wear a shirt everywhere.

[Brian Redban]

Hunter f. From Hutto, Texas, January 26, 2024. The women are beautiful, the staff is attentive and personable. Can't beat free prime rib on Fridays. Make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and Shai. Buy a few shots, and they will give you the best recommendations on the dance answers. Tell them that Hunter sent you. Wow. Thank you, Hunter. What an amazing Tell them I sent you from Yelp strip club. Strip club. Five star Yelp reviews. Might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show. By the way, tell them Hunter sent you. Like what a creep that guy is. That's frightening. Had a blast there. Super professional while also being fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got champagne and relaxed with friends. Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable. Bought two bottles of wine, whiskey. Wound up being way less than I thought it would be.

[Brian Redban]

All right, yeah, let's go to the one star reviews. We gotta get to the good here. We're gonna find out exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's, let's, let's look who.

[Jimmy Carr]

Okay, here's an interesting thought.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Jimmy Carr]

Who wouldn't they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, boy. Oh, black men.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's read this one.

[Brian Redban]

Mark C. From Manhattan, New York. Oh boy. The guy from Manhattan rolled into this, this joint where this guy's just raw dogging. I mean, just bodily fluids being exchanged on every pump in and out, just

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

liquids coming out of him.

[Brian Redban]

The third most beautiful in Lansing, Michigan. Just fully exposed on the leather. The same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And little did they know that the

[Brian Redban]

third best lancing, just bouncing off of it with a hand that's throwing up gang signs. 24 7. And here we go. Mark C. Said, I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co workers and friends. I have to say I was very disappointed. We are from out of town, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

come to Austin for some conferences.

[Brian Redban]

The women here were not attractive and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

were a mixture of very skinny women

[Brian Redban]

to women with poor plastic surgery ass and back acne.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you notice this girl had any acne?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

No, I didn't notice that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beautiful.

[Brian Redban]

The lighting is everything, people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lighting is everything. Yeah, there's not really anything about. Oh, okay. We are a racially diverse group.

[Brian Redban]

White, black, Indian and Korean. Other reviews on Google said they ignore black eyes. And I have to say it's true. Oh my God. Two of my co workers received.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Received no attention all night.

[Brian Redban]

And guess what? They were black. I noticed it and kind of felt bad, but it is not my establishment. But yeah, definitely. But yeah, definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Ricks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you notice black men were being ignored there?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Honestly, I wasn't looking at anybody. I was on a mission.

[Brian Redban]

Can you imagine being a black guy sitting at a strip club? No one's been dancing for you all night. This fucking guy walks in, five minutes later his pick is out and it's just a girl with no acne. At all. Sitting on it. Oh, my God. Don't eat the food. Terrible. Stay away from this place. I went with my co worker on Friday. I got a few rounds. No issues,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

man. There's no one else's. You are the only one that's ever at this establishment. Keep reading, Fast Red band. Let's go back to this. So I gotta know, how long do you think you lasted the sex?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Like maybe a minute and a half.

[Brian Redban]

Minute and a half. Good job. Good job.

[Andrew Santino]

Did you leave it in or did you take it out?

[Brian Redban]

There's no way. Oh, no. There's no way. No way. I'm disabled.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

You really think I'm going to throw

[Brian Redban]

her off of me?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, well, you can't. Hold on a second. Stop.

[Andrew Santino]

No leverage.

[Brian Redban]

Stop. Everybody shut the up. You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You came inside of the stripper.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Not on purpose.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

God.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. In 18 years, there's gonna be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage. Oh, my God. My friend, that is cerebral. Ballsy. Have you gone back to see. Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Oh, hell no.

[Brian Redban]

That's why you're not going back back.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Realistically. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went to.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Oh, like, honestly, like, as soon as that came, I was like. The first thought I had in my head was I'm like, this is why I didn't qualify for disability.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, wow. Yeah, exactly. Jimmy Carr. What do you think about?

[Jimmy Carr]

I just hope you do go back. I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman because one day in the future, I want this to be, grandma, Grandpa, how did you meet? And I want this story to come out.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. He's fucking. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband. I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together. One of the toilets was clogged and

[Brian Redban]

filled with nasty toilet paper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bloodied and soiled. And the other two stalls. Yeah, Redban.

[Brian Redban]

This is just like your material. Redban showing me his set list from this Thursday. Okay, so you came inside of her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you give her 350 right then did you tip anything? Were you like.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

Well, you should maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ask for the change on the 4th hundred even though you came inside of her?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I used cash app.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you digitally cream pied her bank

[Jimmy Carr]

account like a gentleman.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. I gotta tell you, it's been a 24 minute long interview with Ronnie Rohrbat, the adopted Guatemalan ewok. With the third most beautiful from Lansing, Michigan arrived to Austin, Texas, started cream pying strippers immediately. Just absolutely incredible. I love you, Ronnie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much material do you think you have all together standup wise?

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I just did a half hour with my friend on the road a couple weeks ago.

[Brian Redban]

You better invite this, right? I'd love to have you on the secret show. Bring him a cupcake. You know what? She's bringing cupcakes. You bring some cream pies.

[Andrew Santino]

He's not going to be able to catch that.

[Brian Redban]

Catch it.

[Ronnie Rohrbach]

I. I'm holding the mic in my bad hand, so I actually switch.

[Andrew Santino]

So it's fun.

[Brian Redban]

I'm a for that. I'm going to aim for that right tit so you can, you can cup it right there. You ready, Ronnie? Roar back. Ladies and gentlemen. Holy. What an episode. You guys have fun. This is the number one show in all of com comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Brought to you by Talk Space. I'm going to remind you one more time. Zach Brown is at the sphere. December, January 2025, 2026. Santino White Noise is out now on Hulu. He's on tour. Andrew Santino.com of course, bad Friends. Jimmy Carr is on a world tour. Australia, New Zealand and the entire world. Jimmy Carr.com car with two R. And now you know, even though all of our regulars are always busy, there just happens to be one more comedian left. And there's just one guy that could end an episode like this. It is the hall of Famer with the record for all time appearances and interviews on the show. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Duke of Debauchery. He is the Big Red Machine. This is the one and only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

[William Montgomery]

I was at the courthouse the other day pulling some land deeds. And you know the property where the Bat Cave is? It's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne. Wait, does Batman owe Bruce Wayne money? I mean, the dude is saving the day all day and does he ever get a tip? Hell no. Dude's probably broke as hell. And you know the government isn't paying him because the cop street guy keeps trying to shut his ass down. I messed that part up. Thank you. Everybody's talking about how AI is going to take over the world. Yeah, the movie kind of sucked. This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group. Chat. Want to go to Antifa Prom with me? People always look at birds and say, dang, man, I wish I could fly. But birds are probably looking down at us. And saying, dang, man, I wish I could start a conspiracy theory. That's my time.

[Justin Tamayo]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

To notice all the regulars with exactly a minute tonight. Right on the dot. God, I. Pros.

[William Montgomery]

I really bombed at the beginning. This is a real rough one tonight. But it seemed okay, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. You're out here. You've done it more than anybody else.

[Brian Redban]

You've literally done hours and hours and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hours on this show. It is incredible.

[Jimmy Carr]

It's also. It was kind of a great premise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Thank you.

[William Montgomery]

I know.

[Jimmy Carr]

Batman, Bruce Wayne thing, that's. There's something in that.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Carr]

It didn't go the way you wanted

[William Montgomery]

tonight, but there's something great, something in there. I agree. Thank you. I agree.

[Brian Redban]

Great.

[William Montgomery]

William and that weirdo guy was talking about Batman. So I'm thinking, oh, my God, this

[Brian Redban]

is gonna be so good. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I think there's no way this weird guy's talking about Batman.

[Brian Redban]

I know you're not calling my new best friend weird. That is Ronnie. Roar back.

[William Montgomery]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kidding.

[William Montgomery]

He seemed nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a sweet boy. William, how's life been going? What's going on? Tell us.

[Andrew Santino]

It's been good.

[William Montgomery]

Just got back from Salt Lake City. I was there this weekend. The shows were a lot of fun. And then on Sunday morning when I Woke up at 7am I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street. And I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

They were doing it right by their window. And I couldn't really understand what was happening because it seemed like the girl. I swear to God. At first I'm like, is this a mannequin? Is she passed out? I couldn't tell because he's constantly doing her legs like he was driving her or something. I couldn't even tell what was going on. But I watched it for 20 minutes, Tony, and it was very exciting on my Sunday morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had to think about it there?

[William Montgomery]

I didn't this weekend at all, Tony. I wasn't really in the mood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't masturbate at all?

[Brian Redban]

Not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This weird, did you think?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, but then I just wasn't in the mood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you think you weren't in the mood?

[Brian Redban]

I don't know, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Carr]

I feel like you're saving it for a Subway.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What?

[William Montgomery]

A Subway sandwich place. Like the bathroom of a Subway, I

[Jimmy Carr]

think, on the New York subway, I feel like is the right place for you to be masturbating.

[William Montgomery]

I know there could be a fun place maybe. Yeah, the subway or. What's another good place? Let's think of another place. Like a McDonald's or something. Maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off. Where else could be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are some.

[William Montgomery]

More like a movie theater. Could maybe be a wonderful place to jack off.

[Brian Redban]

But what do you really.

[William Montgomery]

Maybe like the zoo or something? Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Maybe in front of the penguins. Oh, no, Too cold, Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Not in there. Whoa. Somewhere in the zoo. But I'm with the penguins. Don't have my dick's already small. Duh. Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

But where else? Maybe like.

[Brian Redban]

Maybe like a gas station. Whoa. What gas station?

[Jimmy Carr]

Huh?

[Brian Redban]

Sitka.

[William Montgomery]

Maybe a Sitgo or Buc ee's is roomy. I know.

[Andrew Santino]

Buc ee's.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. How did I not think of BUC EE's? Maybe I could jack off on Bucky. Because Bucky walks around the BUC EE's every day from 10 to 12. 12pm 10am to 12pm wow. So if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there. So maybe that's a good idea. I could just jack off all on him and have a fun rest of the day. I'm sure. I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good. So.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Jack it off on fucking Bucky's nasty hairy fucking ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. One of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show. And I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again.

[William Montgomery]

No, Tony, you need to. And then we can get together. Cause we'll be around each other a lot. If he's here like every Monday. I think I'd be able to charm him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[William Montgomery]

Get the sponsor maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It appears as if, though, William thinks the Bucky beaver is a real beaver. A real grown beaver. Jimmy Carr.

[Jimmy Carr]

Can I ask about when you were watching this couple making love across the street? Was there any eye contact at any point? Did you think they're gonna see me watching them?

[William Montgomery]

The guy would look a little bit, but I was down. They were up like three stories. And then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first. I was sitting on the bed at first. And I was like, wait, I gotta stand up. And then I was standing up. And then I was naked. I was naked this entire time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why were you naked?

[William Montgomery]

Just thinking maybe I could help them out. If they see my ass down there, they're gonna be like, oh, my God. This is freaky. That dude's naked down there watching us. So I thought maybe I could help, but they did not see me. But it was exciting. It really was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. How did it end?

[Jimmy Carr]

Did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you notice? What? How. How could you tell they were to

[William Montgomery]

get out of there? I had to get my lift because I ordered my lift, like, halfway through, but the lift was taking a while, so that's what. I was able to watch them longer, but then I had to just leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Why? Why lift? Why.

[Brian Redban]

Why is lift your go?

[William Montgomery]

I always look at lift and Uber and whatever's cheaper. That's what I go with.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A very thrifty William Montgomery. Shockingly thrifty. Literally rich. Literally.

[William Montgomery]

No, I wouldn't say that, Tony. And I wouldn't also say that there's a bunch of fucking weirdos that watch a bunch of really nice people, but a bunch of weirdos. People don't need to think I have a bunch of money, because I don't, so.

[Brian Redban]

Right.

[William Montgomery]

The government takes a lot. I mean, there's. It's. It's not really. It's not. So we don't even need to talk about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[William Montgomery]

We really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Totally.

[Brian Redban]

I love it.

[William Montgomery]

There's like, some strange people that would just love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

really worried about what other people think. For a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel

[Brian Redban]

window butt naked, I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of whack.

[William Montgomery]

Well, we live in a weird time. There's a bunch of weirdos out there, Tony. I mean, we're in a strange time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[Jimmy Carr]

Weirdos.

[William Montgomery]

You say there's weirdos everywhere and there's so many.

[Andrew Santino]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else you been doing for fun, William? Anything else?

[William Montgomery]

Just the row machine. I'm at 1,900,000 meters.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. So have you ever thought about jerking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

off on the row machine?

[Andrew Santino]

No.

[William Montgomery]

I almost vomited the other day, so it would not be. I wouldn't be in the mood right at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anything else that you're passionate about?

[Brian Redban]

Any new snacks in your life?

[William Montgomery]

Some butterfingers, Tony. Yep.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. This guy's completely bored out of his mind. Look at this guy's face.

[William Montgomery]

Would you have a problem with me tonight? You didn't like the first joke? I messed up on the first problem joke. What are you one of these weirdos that would love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little apartment? Are you one of these dudes? Is that where you're looking at me like that? Dumbass. You really think we're not gonna be able to see your face? Dude, you're right there in the light.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you got caught daydreaming, bro.

[Andrew Santino]

That guy's gonna have a panic attack right now.

[Brian Redban]

That is bad.

[Jimmy Carr]

William.

[Andrew Santino]

Who's that? Who are you with?

[William Montgomery]

Your sister. Who's that lady with you? I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your. Who is that? That's his girlfriend. Are you ever gonna.

[Jimmy Carr]

I just got back from Salt Lake City.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you ever gonna stop harassing this guy? William?

[Brian Redban]

I don't think I'm ever gonna stop her. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. This episode is brought to you by Talk Space. White Noise is on Hulu. The great Andrew Santino. Tickets@andrew santino.com Jimmy Carr.com for his tickets. And one more time, what a special treat. The great Zack Brown. Ladies and gentlemen of the Zack Brown Band at the Sphere. All of December and all of January, ladies and gentlemen. And don't forget the brand new album, Love and Fear comes out on night one of their Sphere performances. Friday, December 5th. Zach. Fun times. Thank you, my friend. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? The drawing room. Ryan. Je. Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, D. Madness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Brian Redban]

That's amazing. D. It's beautiful. I promise. Did you guys have fun tonight? Guys, check out Jet Ski. Jet Ski Johnson's new podcast, I think. Santino. Were you on it? Yeah.

[Andrew Santino]

It's amazing. Go watch Jeff Fuel.

[Brian Redban]

Kill Tony super alumni. Jet Ski Johnson has a podcast now. The great Heidi and Valerie Vaughn. The Kill Tony Beauties. Have a podcast. Yeah. Check out everything. Thank you to Talk Space and thank you to the live audience. Don't forget, New Year's Eve, we're at the Moody Center. So you people finally have a chance at seeing Kill Tony live. But you got to do it on New Year's Eve in a big ass arena. It's going to be crazy. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

[Donna Lee]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.