#689 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY)

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Kill Tony #689 – HARLAND WILLIAMS + DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY)

Date: October 29, 2024
Location: Resorts World, Las Vegas, Nevada
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Special Guests: Harland Williams, Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)

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Episode Overview

This marathon live episode of Kill Tony brings the legendary show to Las Vegas for a raucous, unpredictable night at Resorts World. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban are joined by actor/comedy icon Harland Williams and the ever-hilarious Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. The guests, co-hosts, and surprise drop-ins roast, riff, and interview comics pulled from the sign-up bucket, regulars, and golden ticket winners, resulting in a blend of chaos, crowd work, heartfelt moments, and over-the-top comedy that defines Kill Tony.

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Key Segments & Discussion Highlights

1. Opening Energy & Guest Introductions

(00:45–08:14)

• Tony and Redban hype the crowd, marveling at the sold-out energy in Las Vegas.
• Harland Williams enters, immediately riffing on his father’s death by "rabies skunk," setting a tone of irreverent but personal humor.

  “My dad was out in the cobs and was bitten by a rabies skunk... Dad, I hope you’re in the big niblet in the sky.” – Harland Williams (05:03)

• Dr. Phil (Adam Ray) follows with a darkly hilarious riff about his own “family rabies tragedy.”

2. The Rules of the Show

(08:14–09:10)

• Tony explains the show’s process: bucket pulls, lottery for stage time, kitten sounds for cut-offs, and the potential for instant stardom or disaster.
• Banter about the Vegas crowd’s mix of “white trash,” “desert monkeys,” and “cactus people.”

3. Regular Sets & Crowd Work

Ari Matti ("The Estonian Assassin")

(10:29–16:41)

• Stand-up about the familiarity of sex with exes, likening it to replaying old video games.
• Compares “new pussy” to “switching to Android,” and riffs on “dick as USB-C.”
• Jokes about financial ruin after buying a $1000 suit for Vegas.
• Hilarious cultural misunderstandings and ambitions regarding gambling:

  “I’ve never gambled. I’m excited to lose all my money.” – Ari Matti (15:22)

In-Between Banter

• Harland, Dr. Phil, Tony, and Ari volley jokes about Vegas, fashion, and “green pussy as a red flag.”
• Redban and Dr. Phil escalate the riffing with wild hypotheticals (Uber pool dick-out betting, “Mr. Ross from Ross Dress for Less” as sugar daddy).

First Bucket Pull: Corey "Grumpy" Johnson

(18:27–25:24)

• Jokes about OJ Simpson & Nicole, Five and Below shopping, and hot dog contests.
• Discusses a criminal past, drug addiction, turning life around, and prison experiences.

  “From 15 to 31, I was in and out [of prison].” – Corey Grumpy Johnson (23:18)

• Dr. Phil and Harland dig into heroin, “escape” as an addict, and life lessons.

Jack Shaw

(27:06–34:44)

• One-minutes about “playing with my penis," masturbation, and “never smiling during it."
• Impressions and self-deprecating Jewish humor, culminating in a “Jack’s orgasm noise” game.
• Panel and crowd join in riffing, including “putting on glasses” as a penis with a big nose.

Izzy Hall ('First Timer, Ethiopian')

(35:31–45:19)

• Talks rainbows being “stolen” by the LGBTQ+ community, discovering G-spot is in the male ass, and curiosity about gay porn’s “timing.”
• Reveals he's first-generation Ethiopian, talks about cultural jokes, flies, and being drugged by Colombian prostitutes but escaping due to Spanish skills.
• Roast exchange with Tony about Ethiopian stereotypes and self-deprecating humor.

Standout Regulars & Fan Favorites (Selections):

David Jolly

• Observational and racial humor, voice-over jokes, crowd interplay about shirts, grills, and Orlando’s rough reputation.

Tommy P (First timer, Dominican, Marine veteran, rough set)

• Admits nerves and bombing, crowd is tough; Tony and panel extract stories about love of salami, weed, and military background.

Jared Nathan (Golden Ticket winner, Down Syndrome comic, Canadian)

• Jokes about lost luggage, Vegas buffets, and “being down dog/Elvis,”
• Earnest moment: runs monthly shows for comics with disabilities in Toronto.

  “There’s no limits to laughter.” – Jared Nathan (69:26)

Keaton McAdams (24yo Las Vegas local)

• Premature ejaculation jokes, three times in 45 minutes.
• Works buying/selling cars online; recently dumped, likens heartbreak to masturbation frequency.

Todd Royce (Golden Ticket winner, heavy self-roaster)

• Pit bull vs. shih tzu jokes, “defending from dog attacks with thumb up ass,” crowd gets rowdy.
• Long-standing bit with Tony about his weight and “One Slop” Netflix special.
• Harland rides him about “puppies in your belly,” rolling with fat jokes.

Aiden Kosoy (First-timer, 19, Jewish New Yorker)

• Coming-of-age as a virgin Jew, “Hebrew National with matzo balls,” “space laser.”
• Candid about anti-Semitism in college and Jewish self-deprecation.
• Harland gives sincere advice: move away from masturbation and jerk-off jokes; write clever, original material.

Uncle Laser ("Alternate for David Lucas")

• Court-ordered Little League coach, single mom chaser, self-mocking about substance abuse and “actor’s journey.”
• Earnest story about grandfather’s death, giving advice about kindness and harmonica-eating-pussy analogy.

  “When you walk into a room, you got to know that the room got better... Meet everybody with a hug, a handshake, or a smile.” – Uncle Laser (107:38)

Special Pauly Shore Appearance

• Functions as a surprise “ring card girl,” with blue underwear, wild roast session from Tony, Harland, and Dr. Phil.

Edgar Sandoval (8 years in, Filipino)

• Jokes about vandalism at Asian family’s restaurant, Cracker Barrel / Asian Palate punchline.
• Coaches soccer, works for Caterpillar, crowd and panel riff on Filipino and Yoda impressions.

Casey Rocket (Regular, surrealist style)

• Office chair prop, ketamine stories (“like waking up as a dog barking at the closet”), boasts a “tussin” chain, claims induction into Chris Angel's “Mindfreaks.”
• Levitation act (with crowd participation).

  "Ketamine...it’s like your dog barking at the closet, but you're the dog and you’re also hiding in the closet." – Casey Rocket (121:00)

• Banter about Vegas plans, love for Arby’s, waterbeds, and “making love.”

Anthony Schuman II (Five years in, Tacoma stay-at-home dad)

• Jokes about vasectomy “miracle baby,” fake kid-naming after Mexican friend, being a beekeeper.

Finals: Hans Kim, Eunice Martinez, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery

• Hans Kim: Asian cat-eating jokes, found a joint in Vegas (“in the Uber pickup area”), panel highlights his clever writing.
• Eunice Martinez: Lesbian/pansexual jokes, miscarriage story, is grilled by Tony and Dr. Phil about the experience. Tony cracks a baker-miscarriage joke.
• Cam Patterson: Roasts Vegas (“a diamond-encrusted piece of shit”), crowd work, shares history as a scammer, riffs on affordable prostitutes in Vegas.
• William Montgomery (Show closer): Dressed as a Vegas showgirl, riffing on losing at slots, needing a ride to White Castle, and raucous banter about showgirl names, peacocks, and drag reviews.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Harland Williams:

  "My dad died of rabies. What else do you want?" (32:08)

• Dr. Phil (Adam Ray):

  “About 10 years ago, a woman that my dad was fucking died from rabies. Want to take a moment of silence for that twat.” (07:47)
  “If you’re a fat guy and you can jiggle your tits, do that.” (137:10)

• Tony Hinchcliffe (On Las Vegas audience):

  “Some old school Vegas people here. Some real white trash in the house. Some real desert monkeys… cactus, you know what I’m saying?” (08:08)

• Jared Nathan:

  “There’s no limits to laughter.” (69:29)

• Cam Patterson:

  "Vegas is like, if you took a piece of shit and put diamonds on it, it’s still a piece of shit." (148:05) "Every place got whores, man, I love a good whore. Don’t you love a good whore Dr. Phil?" (151:25)

• Eunice Martinez (On miscarriage):

  “The kid was an overachiever, jumped out before time. That’s how I refer to miscarriages.” (143:04)

• Pauly Shore Appearance:

  “Dude, look at those underpants. It’s like the cast of Cocoon is in there.” – Harland Williams (111:11)

• Todd Royce & Tony:

  “Ever think about going by Rolls Royce, ‘cause you have so many rolls?”
  “Do you know you look like if Jelly Roll and Jeffrey Dahmer had a baby?” (87:11)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Harland Williams’s intro & rabies skunk riff: 04:44–05:56
• Dr. Phil’s rabies moment and instant roast energy: 07:23–08:14
• Ari Matti’s set ("ex sex," $1000 suit): 10:34–12:47
• First-timer Corey "Grumpy" Johnson’s set (prison, heroin): 18:27–25:24
• Jack Shaw’s ‘penis play’ and orgasm noise contest: 27:06–34:44
• Izzy Hall (first time, Ethiopian, G-spot, Colombian prostitutes): 35:31–45:19
• Todd Royce’s jiggling, fat jokes, "Rolls Royce": 76:45–87:12
• Pauly Shore ring card appearance: 109:27–113:56
• Casey Rocket’s ketamine/levitation bit: 120:26–128:53
• Cam Patterson’s closing roast of Vegas: 147:17–153:47
• William Montgomery’s "Vegas showgirl" closer: 155:40–164:06
• Panel sincere advice on clever comedy writing: 98:11–99:05 (Harland to Aiden)

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Episode Tone and Language

The show is wildly irreverent, rapid-fire, and unapologetic, blending dark personal stories with bravado, crowd-sourced energy, and farcical character bits. The language is explicit; jokes target everything from addiction, identity, and sexuality to racial and religious stereotypes. The panel’s chemistry is both supportive and savagely roast-oriented, consistent with Kill Tony’s signature tone.

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Final Takeaway

This extended Las Vegas edition of Kill Tony packs deep laughs, cringe moments, and some sincere advice about the craft of comedy amid all the razzle-dazzle. The presence of crowd-favorite regulars, the unique venue, and legendary guests like Harland Williams and Adam Ray make for a milestone episode defined by both wild unpredictability and true stand-up camaraderie.

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset strip or get some death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from Resorts World here in Las Vegas, Nevada for a brand new episode of Camp Tony. Give it up for Tony Heads Club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Las Vegas. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? What the is up Las Vegas, Nevada. Make some noise for Brian Redman, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redban]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. How exciting is this? We are here. Wow. The energy here in beautiful Resorts World theater in Las Vegas, Nevada is palpable. Very, very beautiful place. Supposedly one of the newest theaters here in Vegas. How many live in Nevada?

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you guys get to see some real shit live in the flesh tonight. Let's just jump, right? How about a hand for the best Sam band in the land, huh? We get to see them live on this one. That is indeed the great groove line horns. Make some noise for Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And that's D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. His first time playing here in Las Vegas, Nevada. At least that's where he thinks he is. We have a very fun show planned for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Two guests tonight, a two guest show. Introducing your first guest, a man who is one of my favorite comedians of all time, one of my favorite comedic actors of all time. Many, many saying that this is the front runner for the 2024 guest of the year, Las Vegas. I'd like to introduce you to the great and powerful Harland Williams. Oh, boy. Here we go. Live in the flesh. Woolly recovered from Lyme disease. He's back. Yeah. Actually go to that one. Go to that one. Yeah. Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Wow.

[Harland Williams]

I gotta tell you, gang, this is. This is a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, We almost lost him to Lionel disease.

[Harland Williams]

This is a tough night. As you know, Tony, and most of you who follow me on the InterGoogle, 17 years ago today, my father passed away and he was killed by rabies. He was attacked by a rabies skunk. We're farm folk. And as you know, one day, you can read it on the Intergoogle, my dad was out in the cobs and we heard some rustling around, and the old man was bitten by a rabies skunk and passed away. So this is a big night for me and I want to thank you for having me here. Dad, I hope you're in the big niblet in the sky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like he's looking over us right now. I can smell the rabies skunk beaming off of him. Yep, that's a sign right there. That was him.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harland is joining us all night long with one other guest, and I'm going to bring out that guest right now while sitting here with who many claim will be the 2024 guest of the year. Joining us on this panel is Kill Tony hall of famer, a golden ticket winner, and the 2023 guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only Dr. Phil. Oh.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, go. Oh, he is already on fire. Oh, my goodness. Oh, boy. Oh. Oh, my God. No one doesn't quite like them, folks.

[Ari Matti]

Vegas.

[Dr. Phil]

Make some noise. If you're excited to be alive tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jigging those titties. Needs to get those hands in there.

[Brian Redban]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wednesday, some dudes pulled out their tits on that one.

[Dr. Phil]

Jiggle them tits, Tony.

[Keaton McAdams]

Good to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Red band. Good to see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The man, Harlan. The myth, the.

[Harland Williams]

How are you, Doc?

[Dr. Phil]

Well, this is. I want to say something real quick. There's a special time Vegas Kill Tony in Vegas. Give it up for that. That's a big deal. Never thought we'd get here, but you did it. But it's a. It's kind of a big day for me. About 10 years ago, a woman that my dad was fucking died from rabies. And want to take a moment of silence for that twat. Okay, that's good. Thanks for having me, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, luckily you're two of the best guests in the show's history, so you know exactly how it works. Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. It's absolutely thick. Chaos, filled to the brim, no doubt about it. If I pull their name out, we're going to meet them all together. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry Fremont street bear. Ooh, a big pop for Fremont Street. Wow. Some old school Vegas people here. Some real white trash in the house. Some real desert monkeys, you know what I'm saying? Some real sand snails out here. Some real cactus, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. All right.

[Dr. Phil]

Saw a couple Asian Jews in the Crow too, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, there's. There's those two, but I. I call them cactus. While we go wrangle that first bucket pole of the night, let's get it started. Started with perhaps what many say is one of the greatest regulars and comedians in the history of the show. I can think of no better way to start a show like this than with a young man who, you know, a place like Las Vegas, a swing state, I think represents very well the greatness that is the United States of America. And this first comedian is on a mission to become an American citizen. Truly one of the fastest rising stars in all of standup comedy. This is a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati.

[Dr. Phil]

Thank you.

[Ari Matti]

You know what I did recently? I had sex with my ex. Highly recommended. That shit is the best. We went back to her place, I saw her pussy. Like an old friend. There he is. Isn't it the best when you fuck an ex? Cause you know that pussy, you know all the buttons. It's like playing Tony hawk Pro Skater 2 again. Because that's the worst. When you start dating somebody new, you get that new pussy. You're like, what the fuck? Like, new pussy is like switching to Android. You're like, why is it green? Because that's the worst. When you start dating somebody new, guys don't have that. That's why dick is the best, like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

overall,

[Ari Matti]

because it's universal. Dick is like a USB C. I don't need to. You know, every guy here, I could fucking. I don't need to know you. I don't need to put Phil Collins on for atmosphere.

[David Jolly]

Dude.

[Ari Matti]

If they lock the doors in the back and they're like, okay, Ari, the only way we get out is we need a bucket of Cummings. We're all out before midnight. But if they tell me the only way we get out is I need to make three women here come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're all gonna starve to death.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you very much.

[Brian Redban]

Las Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. He's done it again. Ari, Matti, thank you. Coming out with pure swagger, I do believe. I mean, that has to be a new suit. That is unbelievable.

[Ari Matti]

I just got it today. It was $1,000. I am financially in ruins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look fucking fantastic.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. You've done it again. Have you been to Vegas before?

[Ari Matti]

The first time in Las Vegas. Let's get married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan Williams.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, I feel like. Dude, I feel like a complete idiot. About half an hour ago, I let this guy valet my car.

[Ari Matti]

It's mine now. Harland.

[Harland Williams]

It smelled like pussy juice, I gotta tell you.

[Dr. Phil]

What flavor?

[Harland Williams]

Raspberry Sunblast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Ari, Matty, what have you done in Las Vegas so far?

[Ari Matti]

I went to Ross Andres and it's an amazing store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Ari Matti]

Don't even steal, dude. It's $2 for everything.

[Tommy P]

Dude.

[Dr. Phil]

I've never heard anybody call it the entire name of the store. Yes, it's usually just Ross, but I didn't. Ross Andres. Right.

[Ari Matti]

Ross Andres.

[Dr. Phil]

For a second, I thought you were naming a friend's character and another guest star. What did you buy?

[Ari Matti]

I bought, like, a golden shirt, some shorts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Blazing on that. Hell, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

I bought some jeans, some women's lingerie. I mean, it's for free, so might as well.

[Harland Williams]

Where would you wear a golden shirt?

[Ari Matti]

Backstage, where the bitches are at.

[Dr. Phil]

Good answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Ari.

[Ari Matti]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, you mentioned.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, go ahead, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you go ahead.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, you mentioned a green pussy that you ate.

[Ari Matti]

Yes.

[Dr. Phil]

Who was it?

[Ari Matti]

It was my ex.

[Dr. Phil]

Who was your ex?

[Ari Matti]

My sweet angel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Estonian.

[Ari Matti]

Yes. I miss her very much, but I need to get a passport, so it was very sad. Thanks for bringing it up.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, green pussy in America feels like a red flag. You know what I'm saying? So maybe you're dodging a bullet.

[Ari Matti]

Red flag is great. Red, white and blue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, America, that's the correct answer. Be sure to answer it that way on your exam for citizenship. That's the sound. When you hear that sound, you know you're that much closer to being.

[Ari Matti]

I've never gambled. I've never even tried to put money on something. I'm very excited to lose all of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ari Matti]

I've heard of this expression, beginner's luck. I might win a million dollars tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What game are you thinking about playing?

[Cam Patterson]

It was.

[Ari Matti]

The guys were talking in the back. It's Baccarat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Baccarat.

[Ari Matti]

It is the famous game of poker. And then I want to pull a lever to win some coins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You're in for some. Some dis. I don't think coins have come out of a slot machine in 30 years,

[Ari Matti]

but I have Apple pay too.

[Dr. Phil]

There's also a fun way to gamble. You get into an Uber pool, okay? You take your dick out and you see if you get arrested or not. Don't try it unless you're feeling lucky.

[Harland Williams]

If someone came up to you in the casino and said, I'll give you a million bucks if you'll sleep with me tonight, would you do it? My guy?

[Ari Matti]

Who is this person asking me?

[Dr. Phil]

Robert Redford.

[Ari Matti]

Don't know who that is. I will do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're gonna need to know for your citizenship test.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, how about this? It's the owner of Ross and dress Ross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Mr. Ross himself.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, I love it.

[Ari Matti]

I will put on a dress for Ross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, Maddie. I cannot possibly think of a better way to get this show started. With a bang. Ari Ma. And here we go. We shall begin the process of our first bucket pull of the night. Now, how many of you are fans of the show? Well, you may have brought a plus one or a date with you tonight that might not know. But this is the part where things get crazy. Ari makes it look easy. Our regulars make it look easy. Our golden ticket winners make it look easy. But it is not easy at all. Thank you so much. Make some noise for the great, great Valerie Vaughn and Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, with us all night. That's the real deal. Some incels that can't even look directly at them. I love it. I love to see our nerdy fans that are just used to sitting back on YouTube. I don't want to get an erection while next to people at a show anyway, so the chicken at the fan. It could also be the next great talent. We found all of our stars out of this bucket. It could be a completely insane person. Anything can happen. Your first bucket pull of the night. Bucket pool number one goes by the name of Corey Grumpy Johnson. It's a good name. Let's see what happens. Corey Grumpy Johnson. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Corey, everyone.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

2024. Crazy year. Crazy year. O.J. simpson and Nicole are back together again. Didn't see that one coming. I really didn't see that one coming at all. Recently I went to 5 and below and I was a little confused because I almost bought. Excuse me, I almost spent $27, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I only tried to buy three things.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Now I'm half white. So a part of me just wanted to go straight Karen. But then I realized I'm half black, so I just stole the shit.

[Harland Williams]

Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five and below.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Is it me or should more gay men be winning these hot dog eating contest? I just feel like they practice more. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Corey Grumpy Johnson, a great comedy name. I saw the shirt first. You are now witnessing greatness and my expectations hit the ground for you. Unbelievable. Nicole Brown Simpson reunited. You think she went to hell?

[Dr. Phil]

Yes.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Yes, she went to hell. Apparently she was a piece of too, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Someone. I've never seen anyone take OJ's side in the argument before. Holy Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I followed OJ on Twitter up until he passed. And I. I agree with you on that. You know, he was entertaining post murder. You know, he'd always be in a Costco parking lot being like, what's up, Twitter world? You ever notice how cop. What the Was that, red man? That was Speedy Gonzalez from the Looney tunes. That was O.J. simpson getting some potato salad at a Costco. Anyway, what did Nicole do that made you go fuck this bitch?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Well, word on the street is she was.

[Dr. Phil]

What street?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fremont Street.

[Dr. Phil]

Well played. I set you up for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is literally this somehow, somehow. This is the Fremont street section of how did they. I guess if you bought your tickets in that, like, wi fi zone, you got that section. None of these people reacting to Fremont.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, this is Fremont Street. This is Sesame street over here. Just cookie monsters and Elmo dolls, a couple strippers. Okay, so Nicole did what?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Apparently Nicole was a whore. Man, where do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this real?

[Dr. Phil]

You've heard this word on the street, Tony.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Just a joke. Satire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like Corey's on the street a lot, so he might have the ears down to the ground. Corey, how long you been trying stand up comedy?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I've been doing it a little over a year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of it here in Vegas. You live here?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

No, I'm from Phoenix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made the trip. Shout out to Phoenix. There you go. Did you make the trip here for this?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Yeah, we drove up. I actually, I took off today for work. We, me and my girlfriend shout out to Angela, I love you. We drove up here and we're actually turning around and driving back. I got work in the morning, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Special shout out for Angela after defending domestic abusers for half your time up here, that's called a love bomb. What you just saw everybody, that's one of the positive moments of their relationship. What do you do for work?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I'm a cook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah? What. What are you cooking?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I cook at a bar. So just bar food?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. You have a deep fryer?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a microwave?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I have four deep fryers, a flat top, a microwave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's pretty much it. Wow. Hell, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

You have a microwave?

[David Jolly]

I do.

[Harland Williams]

So you're a chef?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Some may call it that,

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah. You didn't know that's all you needed, huh, Harlan?

[Eunice Martinez]

That's it.

[Harland Williams]

I guess I'm a fucking chef, too. I notice you have a neck tattoo, my guy. You don't see a lot of chef chefs. Like Chef Boyardee doesn't have a neck tattoo of lasagna. You know what I mean?

[Dr. Phil]

He should have.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Well, I've been to prison, so, you know.

[Harland Williams]

Okay, well, that would explain the microwave. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you been to prison for? And how many times did Angela call the cops before they showed up?

[Dr. Phil]

Good question.

[Harland Williams]

Tony, do you get the feeling he was OJ's cellmate and OJ told him to say this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

What's his PIN number?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

32. 32. What'd you go to prison for?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I went to prison when I was a kid, man. I was running around. I was a wild dude. And from 15 to 31 I've been in and out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a large window. When I was a kid, I was pretty wild. 15 to 31, that's like going into

[Dr. Phil]

a shirt store, being like, do you have a men's small or a dinosaur Triple X? It's for a friend. Jesus Christ. That's a huge timeline player do that.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I didn't go straight through. I just. I was in and out a lot and a lot of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's talk about it. Rattle off. How many of you want to hear some of this guy's fucking rap sheet? You beat somebody to death with a microwave at 15, am I correct?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

No, no, no. Burglary, stealing cars. A lot of. I was. I was a knucklehead doing a lot of dumb shit, so. But, you know, I turned my life around, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how did you turn it around for you?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

I turned it around. Arizona, Help. I'm from Philly originally, so when I got out of the environment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you turn your life around in Arizona, that's fucking amazing.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Yeah, I moved out there and just changed my life. Started doing things differently. Put a lot of the drugs and alcohol and stuff down. I still drink a little bit, but put the drugs and stuff down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of drugs were you doing?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Coke, heroin, a lot of heavy.

[Dr. Phil]

Wow, heroin. What's the bit now? I've always wanted to try heroin. You know, I'd say four days, huh?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

No, you Don't.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, don't tell me how to live my life, but four days a week, I wake up asking myself, you know, could I get a neck tattoo and be a chef? Maybe heroin's the only thing standing in my way. What's the best part about heroin?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

The escape. The feeling. You know, at first it's awesome, and then it's really not.

[Dr. Phil]

Where do you escape to?

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Wherever you want to go.

[Harland Williams]

It'll take you to the moon if you.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

If that's where you want to go.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, it. Who doesn't want to go to the moon? I thought you had to take a space shuttle. But I could just inject myself with some juice.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Probably. It might take you to the grave too. You got to be careful with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, Whoa. Got dark real quick.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Jesus Christ. He's like, yeah, you could go to the moon for 15 to 31 years. Sorry I had to get that in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Corey, Fun times. Congratulations. I'm gonna give you a medium sized joke book. Nice catch. There you go. Great catch. Especially for a heroin addict. Incredible reflexes. Usually they lose that. Okay, we're gonna keep it moving along between every bucket pool. I have a special treat for you guys throughout the night. Does that sound cool? Sounds like a pretty amped up, awesome show to me, doesn't it? Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian doing a brand new minute is the. Basically the most recent golden ticket winner in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a return. I mean, this kid is like a throwback to a different era. Just, just as silly jewy as it gets. Young Larry David, young Woody Allen vibes, Whack a doodle. He's like if you put a holocaust victim in a microwave and just radioed him up. I'd like to introduce you to the next minute by the great Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is one of the young, rising stars of the show. A brand new minute from him. Uh oh, here he is. Look at him. Oh, boy. Uh oh. Make some noise for Jack Shaw.

[Jack Shaw]

I don't know about you guys, but I love to play with my penis. There's so many things you can do with it. You can talk out of the little hole. You can go. You can do that. You can. Oh, you can put your glasses on it. You can make the man with the big nose. You guys know that guy? But my favorite thing to do above all is to beat it till it cries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's with me?

[Jack Shaw]

Las Vegas. It makes people so uncomfortable when I talk about masturbating at the dinner table. I don't Know why? It's such a lovely experience, but I realize I never smile when I do it.

[Harland Williams]

Does,

[Jack Shaw]

Does anyone do that? No. It's this thing I love to do, but it seems to make me angry. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Think about it. The next time you're masturbating, think about meat. Think about it. You're not gonna be like,

[Brian Redban]

no.

[Harland Williams]

You're gonna be like, ah.

[Jack Shaw]

I think the reason that I don't, that I get so angry is because I don't like what my penis looks like. It looks a little bit like Mitch McConnell. A little bit. And I've never sent a dick pic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you know why?

[Jack Shaw]

Because I've never once looked at my penis and thought, you know what? Someone else needs to see this. Thank you all so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm Jack Shaw. Jack Shaw talking about his penis for a minute, 20 seconds straight. Unbelievable.

[Harland Williams]

Can I just get clarity? What was the noise you did at the bean? Your penis goes beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[Jack Shaw]

Oh, it's more. No, no, no. It's more of a me, me, me, me, me.

[Harland Williams]

You know that's the exact same sound a horn on a Walmart electric wheelchair makes, right?

[Jack Shaw]

No, I did not. I did not.

[Harland Williams]

The next time you're masturbating in Walmart, you'll find out.

[Jack Shaw]

Is that where you do it? Is that where you like to do it?

[Harland Williams]

No.

[Jack Shaw]

In a Walmart.

[Dr. Phil]

I don't think I like your attitude right now, Jack. If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm looking for partners, dude. I'm looking for friends. We'll just say that then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Yes.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Harland Williams]

Do it in Target. You have something to aim for,

[Dr. Phil]

Jack. How come you can't send the right dick pic? Because lighting is a big part of it, but also location and who you send it to.

[Jack Shaw]

I, I don't really like, I've never sent one. I, I don't really like the way it looks.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, you got to believe in yourself.

[Jack Shaw]

Oh, sure. Well, if I believe too hard, I, I, I shoot for the moon.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I can get you some heroin from Corey.

[Harland Williams]

You, you, you know, circumcised or uncircumcised guy?

[Dr. Phil]

Good question.

[Jack Shaw]

Oh, a lot. Big Circumcised. I have a lot of circumcision.

[Harland Williams]

So, like, you still got skin on the back of your neck type of thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Extremely circumcised. Very, very Jewish. You said that sometimes you put glasses on it and it looks like a man with a big nose. Are you talking about your Father?

[Jack Shaw]

Yes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you ever do any special tricks? Jewy tricks? Like, you ever take a condom and just sit it on the back base like a yarmulke?

[Jack Shaw]

I reuse them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Look at that. Very thrifty. Thrifty and shifty. Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. What else is going on? How do you feel about being in Las Vegas, Nevada?

[Jack Shaw]

Oh, my God, dude. It's so cool, man. I love it. I definitely have a gambling problem.

[Harland Williams]

For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it.

[Jack Shaw]

Well, I keep losing. I keep losing at it. I love blackjack. I love that game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Dr. Phil]

I thought that was a guy that you knew.

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah, that's what my friends tell me to dress up as in Halloween.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, shit. We'll be right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun, fun, fun. And you're still living in Los Angeles, correct?

[Jack Shaw]

Yes, I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I'm planning to go to Austin. You planning on going to Austin or moving to Austin?

[Jack Shaw]

To move to Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. That's a whole different thing. Look at you. That's amazing. Unbelievable.

[Harland Williams]

I love it how he talked about his dad. If I could just reflect on a sentimental moment I'll never forget My. My dear father who passed away from rabies. He used to. When I was a boy. When I was nine years old, he used to take me behind Kentucky Fried Chicken and put coleslaw over my head and throw me in the dumpster and tell me I was a sea monster. And. Well, if you're gonna laugh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck off. Wait, that's it.

[Harland Williams]

I guess that's it. My dad died of rabies. What else do you want? If you can look away, your face is really me.

[Jack Shaw]

I'm sorry about that.

[Harland Williams]

I feel like his face is gonna orgasm on me any second. Like, just turn it over that way. Squirty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a wild boy. He's a wild boy. Jack, are your parents proud?

[Harland Williams]

Say his full name. Jack Off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jack. Yes. Jack, are your parents proud of you there?

[Jack Shaw]

Well, yeah, I think so. I. I think so. They wish I wouldn't talk about masturbating so much, but they do it.

[Dr. Phil]

Why? Because they hear you do it.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Do you live with them still?

[Jack Shaw]

I do.

[Dr. Phil]

Upstairs or downstairs?

[Jack Shaw]

Same level. Wow.

[Dr. Phil]

So they hear all your little. Can I take a gander at what you sound like when you're having an orgasm?

[Tommy P]

Of course.

[Dr. Phil]

Actually, I'm gonna give you guys three options. And you will play a little game called. Hey, which one of these is Jack's? Come Noise Red Band. Hit me with some theme music Here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're actually.

[David Jolly]

Bad.

[Dr. Phil]

Hit me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here it is.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, that's perfect. Red man. Holy. All right, here we go. First noise. Harlan, you can do the second one.

[Harland Williams]

All.

[Brian Redban]

Right, sorry.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, that's the first option, Harlan. What's the second one?

[Harland Williams]

Second one goes something like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The mighty Chewbacca. What's the third option?

[Dr. Phil]

And the third option is. Well, Jack, why don't you. Why don't you give us an option?

[Jack Shaw]

Yeah, it's more than Ow, ow, ow, ow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Ow.

[Dr. Phil]

But you're doing it to yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I. I go hard in the paint, Dr. Phil. Yeah, you do.

[Dr. Phil]

Fucking Akeem Olajuwon over here.

[Harland Williams]

You get the feeling he has catlet or gravel in his Vaseline?

[Jack Shaw]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what that means.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, audience, which one do we think it was? Option number one, option number two, or option number three?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of people surprisingly saying, two, two.

[Dr. Phil]

Holy.

[Harland Williams]

Use the full sloop,

[Dr. Phil]

Jack. Which one is it?

[Brian Redban]

Number two, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. There he goes. Jack Shaw. Jack, you're done. Thank you, Jack. Absolutely. There he goes. Jack shot. Jack. Put that mic. Stand back up there one more time for Jack, everybody. And like that, we're on to our second bucket pool of the night. We're gonna keep it moving along. Make some noise for Izzy hall, everybody. We're gonna meet them all together. Izzy Hall. A whole new crop of people out here in the desert of Western America. This is Las Vegas, Nevada. And your next bucket pool is Izzy Hall. Here he is. Make some noise for Izzy, everybody.

[Izzy Hall]

So I'm not homophobic, but I just hate that those bastards have kind of reclaimed the rainbow. I used to love the rainbow. That shit's gay. Now, I recently found out that the G spot's in the asshole. Like, what's up with that? Like, because I believe in God, but I don't understand why an omniscient creator would put a come really hard button right up in my asshole and expect me not to go searching. And if I do, I go to hell and they give them, like, a really cute name, like sodomy or whatever. Recently I've tried to figure out, like, who is going to be coming first. Is it the top or the bottom? So I'm watching a lot of gay porn, like, trying to figure it out. And then unfortunately, just, it's me. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

56 seconds from Izzy hall work. Hi, Izzy.

[Izzy Hall]

Hey, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are you?

[Izzy Hall]

I'm doing really well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Welcome. How long you been doing standup?

[Izzy Hall]

This is my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Incredible. How old are you, Izzy?

[Izzy Hall]

I'm 24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24. Look at you. First time. And you are the captain now. In.

[Harland Williams]

All right, Tony, I'm on the same page with this guy, man.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Okay.

[Harland Williams]

I'm on the same page with you about the rainbow, dude. Like, remember the rainbow? Used to be you saw a beautiful rainbow, you go over the other side, there's a leprechaun and marshmallows and unicorns. Now you go over the rainbow and there's four guys in a hot tub at a Motel 6 in Bakersfield. Not cool. Not cool, bro.

[Izzy Hall]

Usually I thought they would find you at the end of the rainbow, to be fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is that? That's all right.

[Izzy Hall]

He looks like the replica at the end of the rainbows where I was

[Harland Williams]

trying to get you at the end of the rainbow. Is that what you said? What did he say? What? Say it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He thinks you're the world's largest leprechaun. Is he? Clearly never seen a white person before. No, he's just eating Lucky Charms in Ethiopia. Wherever you're from. Where are you from? You remind me of Somali that I used to know.

[Izzy Hall]

You're correct. It's Ethiopia. It's all the same. To be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I nailed it. You're Ethiopian. Yes. Yes, Tony, absolutely.

[Dr. Phil]

I love that song. Why'd you stop it?

[Harland Williams]

Wait, where.

[Dr. Phil]

Where is he? Where is Ethiopia on a map?

[Izzy Hall]

Africa.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay.

[Izzy Hall]

It's on the east side. It's called the Horn of Africa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that mean?

[Brian Redban]

It means no worries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Dr. Phil]

Second favorite song on that album.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, Izzy. Easily offended, it seems. No, no. What was that weird fake laugh? You just did stuff.

[Dr. Phil]

No, you're, You're. You're.

[Izzy Hall]

You're.

[Dr. Phil]

You're a thoughtful guy. You went from the buttholes, the G spot to I believe in God in about three seconds.

[Izzy Hall]

No, cuz everything's like, created for a reason, you know? That's what I like. And so with the G spot, I guess, and the guy's ass, and it's like.

[Dr. Phil]

Like, did you.

[Izzy Hall]

But you can't go there.

[Dr. Phil]

Did you hear that from a friend or is that a fact you found out on your own? Because facts are always fun to find. And I talk about that in my book. But. But I want to know, when you find. When you learn stuff, do you do it from hearsay or from. From your own discoveries?

[Izzy Hall]

Well, I. It's like I can't find out, right? It's like there's a rule that I can't go explore. So I just have to, like, take word of mouth. Do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody yells what's the craziest thing you've ever had up your ass?

[Dr. Phil]

Good question, Tony.

[Izzy Hall]

Like, I'm afraid my mom's going to watch this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, too soon. Sounds like she's the one that named you Izzy.

[Izzy Hall]

Yeah, A short for Isaiah.

[Harland Williams]

Like you have a mother.

[Izzy Hall]

It's a.

[Brian Redban]

It's.

[Izzy Hall]

It's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a Q tip.

[Izzy Hall]

The answer is a Q tip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. The rapper Q Tip. Absolutely incredible that you've been to P. Diddy's house and I've never been there before.

[Dr. Phil]

You ever put a coconut up there?

[Harland Williams]

Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck just happened? Holy shit. Looks like we Ethiopian'd up a wormhole here. Izzy, what do you think's the most Ethiopian thing about you? Do you ever just stop eating? You ever just starve yourself? Because it's like it runs through your body?

[Izzy Hall]

I think the most Ethiopian thing about me is my forehead. It's a, like, really defining thing. I don't eat a lot, but, like, that's by choice.

[Dr. Phil]

Didn't I see you on one of those Sarah McLaughlin commercials?

[Izzy Hall]

Yeah, I mean, that's how I'm here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was sponsored in the arms of a Q tip.

[Dr. Phil]

You're funny, dude. You're rolling with the punches tonight.

[Harland Williams]

You did.

[Dr. Phil]

You just fake grabbed at a fly. That was funny.

[Izzy Hall]

Yeah, I. I don't understand that. I see those commercials. You guys think that we can't swat flies.

[Dr. Phil]

It is. It is aggressive.

[Izzy Hall]

I don't know. Yeah, I could swat flies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you good at swatting flies? We have a bag of flies. We were expecting an Ethiopian bucket pole.

[Brian Redban]

Okay?

[Izzy Hall]

I was lying about being able to swat flies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh. Look out, look out.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, I'm this. I am this close to sending you 50 cents a month. I gotta tell you, I'd appreciate it.

[Izzy Hall]

I'd appreciate it.

[Harland Williams]

And by the way, your fuzzy hair, man. You'd make a great Q tip. I gotta tell you. Come find my G spot right now. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. Who were those twins? Caribbean twins.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, the. The. The island boys. The Island Boys? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has anyone ever told you that you look like one of the Island Boys in blackface? No. Yeah, well, I just did.

[Dr. Phil]

You might be tonight's Doritos joke of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Izzy doesn't like it when people make fun of him. I don't know if anybody's watching this.

[Izzy Hall]

You look like anorexic ventriloquist dummy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, it's. I haven't heard that since I started.

[Izzy Hall]

Tony. You look like years Ago, you asked for samples at a sperm bank.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. This is unbelievable. Entry level Roast Joe jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Anyone?

[Izzy Hall]

It's literally my first time.

[Jack Shaw]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, maybe. Maybe. Don't box with Mike Tyson. Play the video game, dude. Play the video game.

[Jack Shaw]

It's my first time roasted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna go against the guy that does it probably better than anybody in the world. I'm living my dreams here.

[Harland Williams]

You know what I love about the third island boy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

You know you find on islands? Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I think we found our first two Avengers of the guest History of Kiltoni. They are joining forces. This is like when they came out with a Wolverine. Deadpool movie or something. Harland and the Doctor.

[Dr. Phil]

That's how you find the Ethiopian. G spot. Elbow fist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Izzy, before I let you go, I gotta know, because you seem like a very charismatic guy. Is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about? I mean, I feel like there's something more to you.

[Izzy Hall]

I. I was drugged. I was drugged by some prostitutes in Colombia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In Colombia? Amazing. Okay. What did they do to you?

[Izzy Hall]

Nothing. I got away really quickly because I speak Spanish, but if I hadn't, I would have been a lot of. A lot of problems. It was like a EDM music festival that I went to. I didn't know that they were at the time. They just seem really cool.

[Dr. Phil]

Most prostitutes are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Izzy Hall]

It's a problem over there, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And do your parents live here?

[Izzy Hall]

No, they're ref. They're refugees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love the refugees. They did.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The. The. Wait.

[Dr. Phil]

Lauren Hill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Fujis.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Izzy Hall]

Yeah, they're the. Yes.

[Dr. Phil]

No strain.

[Izzy Hall]

I came here. I came to, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Red band. How many bug noises do you have for this guy? Relax.

[Dr. Phil]

Jesus. Jack Handy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Racist.

[Izzy Hall]

I. I came to America on, like, on, like, on a visa?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Ibiza. No, on a.

[Izzy Hall]

On a visa. Legally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Izzy Hall]

Instead of, like, walking here, like, is, like, what people do these days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a tough walk from Ethiopia.

[Harland Williams]

Hey, be nice to the guy. Look at his legs. He was attacked by someone with a typewriter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know what, Izzy? Your set was just. Just okay. But since it was your first time and I think you have a lot of work to do, you're gonna get the first big joke tonight, buddy. Here you go. It's coming at you. Izzy hall, ladies and gentlemen.

[Dr. Phil]

Great job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back to another special treat. We're gonna keep it moving fast here because it's a long walk from the back. If you want to Rock and roll. This guy is neither a regular nor technically a golden ticket winner, but he is a legend of the show's history. He is America's favorite uncle. You know him, you love him. This is indeed a brand new minute from David Jolly. David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. Send these out faster. Whoever's working the back, send them out faster.

[Brian Redban]

How y' all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[David Jolly]

Y' all watch the Olympics? That shit was crazy as hell, man. They had break dancing in the Olympics. In four years, them niggas gonna be shooting craps. These goddamn Germans can really roll a seven, George. Hell, yeah. Netflix. I'm sick of Netflix. They ripping us off. I'm glad I'm stealing that shit. They keep on giving us these horrible ass movies, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They bad.

[David Jolly]

Then they got the voiceover on them. Voiceover? Shitty as hell. Like French voiceovers. Who watch French movies? That's like watching gay porn. Nobody want to see that shit. The thing is, if you gonna give us voiceovers and they be bad voiceovers, at least make them interesting. You know? Like, put a hood nigger on a couple of them bitches, let him do like the Godfather.

[Brian Redban]

I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse. She

[David Jolly]

ain't no way you gonna turn this down.

[Brian Redban]

Ca.

[Jack Shaw]

Caw.

[David Jolly]

Or, like, switch it up. Let a white dude do, like, a hood ass movie, you know? Let a white dude do boys in the hood. Yo, Ricky, dude, he has a gun, bro.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, shit. He shot Ricky, bro. Fuck.

[David Jolly]

Ricky was working on his credit, dude.

[Brian Redban]

Ricky was a great guy, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[David Jolly]

Thank y' all very much, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Jolly with the new minute. Yeah. Welcome back, David. Yeah, huh? Welcome.

[David Jolly]

Thank you, my brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How you doing, man?

[David Jolly]

I'm doing great, man. Hell, yeah. We in Vegas. I'm trying to buy some pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. What's your budget right now? What's your budge?

[David Jolly]

$40.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harland Williams]

You can have Dr. Phil for 30

[Dr. Phil]

or four easy payments of $6.99.

[David Jolly]

Hey, you might get a deal today, baby. You feel me?

[Dr. Phil]

I don't know what you just said, but okay.

[David Jolly]

I should have brought my translator out here.

[Dr. Phil]

No, you crushed it, Dave. You crushed it up there, baby.

[David Jolly]

Thank you, my brother.

[Harland Williams]

Can I say something? I got a little bone to pick with you, my guy.

[Tommy P]

All right.

[Harland Williams]

I just want you to know that those voiceover people, they work really hard, hard to do what they do. I don't think I like your attitude.

[David Jolly]

It's the same Chinese dude in every movie playing the male and the female part. That's some Bullshit.

[Casey Rocket]

Well, I don't.

[David Jolly]

It's a goddamn ripoff, man. That's Hans Kim. I know who it is. Goddamn Hans. You're gonna trick me.

[Harland Williams]

I don't know. I agree with you. By the way, I'm so glad you got the Wendy's shift off to come and do the show tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Night.

[Brian Redban]

What's the Wendy feel?

[David Jolly]

I don't get out.

[Harland Williams]

Well, that's a Wendy's drive thru shirt, my man.

[David Jolly]

Oh, that's a nice ass shirt. Feel, feel.

[Harland Williams]

Not play pretend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good.

[Harland Williams]

It's a good, let me feel it

[David Jolly]

shirt, I'm telling you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you steal that from?

[David Jolly]

No, I got this from dd's. It was only $7. You know I'm on a budget, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Denny, it's a nice shirt, a.

[Harland Williams]

You got that from Diddy. Feels like it's tamponal, right? Tampon with win things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

I wish I had a tampon shirt like a real tampon.

[Harland Williams]

I wish you had a beautiful. I would really like that.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, you look like black Charlie Brown.

[David Jolly]

Thank you, my brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I appreciate that Charlie Black compliment.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, I like that.

[Dr. Phil]

It's very.

[Casey Rocket]

It's a.

[Dr. Phil]

It's an esteemed character.

[David Jolly]

You talking about the black dude from Charlie Brown or a black Charlie Brown?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Charlie Black.

[David Jolly]

Charlie Black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

That's the little dirty from Charlie Brown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're damn right. Yeah. Well, you just said he.

[David Jolly]

I don't look like him now.

[Harland Williams]

No, no, I said.

[Dr. Phil]

But Charlie Brown, the main character, hangs

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

out with Snoopy Doggy dog.

[David Jolly]

Snoopy smoking weed.

[Dr. Phil]

You know, he smoke weed all day, every day.

[David Jolly]

Every day, baby.

[Dr. Phil]

What about the little bird that was with. He was getting a secondary high from.

[Harland Williams]

Holy.

[Dr. Phil]

I didn't know you did voices.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, I do.

[Dr. Phil]

What other animals can you do a chicken? Let's hear it. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil]

Nope, not even close. That was the same thing it did for the first one.

[Harland Williams]

How about a fried chicken?

[David Jolly]

That's good. All right, hold on, let me see if I can do it.

[Harland Williams]

Wait, let me guess.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, you got it. You got it.

[Harland Williams]

All right, give me one. Crispy

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

good.

[David Jolly]

Pretty good, man. That's the only voice I know, man. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Phil]

That was good.

[David Jolly]

I mean, to let you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do any impressions?

[David Jolly]

Yeah, I'm a. I'mma do an impression of a black man. Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That was actually less black than you normally are.

[Dr. Phil]

You want to hear a white man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello there.

[David Jolly]

You want to hear a white man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Yep.

[David Jolly]

Hey, my name Tony Hancliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. How dare you? How dare. Oh, they're gonna clap at that. I love you.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good. There you go. David, any other fun plans for your trip here in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada, man.

[David Jolly]

You know, we doing Skank Fest, doing some spots, you know.

[Brian Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[David Jolly]

Hell, I'm. I'mma do the butt naked rock.

[Brian Redban]

Gross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Really?

[David Jolly]

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Why?

[David Jolly]

I'mma pump that up, put some Viagra sticking straight up, you know, Shove some

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Q tips up your ass.

[Harland Williams]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a thing?

[David Jolly]

I don't know nothing about that, man. You're a freak, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no. It's your people doing it now.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[David Jolly]

You're a freak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your people doing that.

[David Jolly]

It's all news to us, man. Good time.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, can I ask a question about the grill? I love the gold teeth.

[David Jolly]

Oh, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Talk to me, guy. Talk to me.

[David Jolly]

It's a Florida thing. You feel me?

[Harland Williams]

It's a what now?

[David Jolly]

A Florida thing.

[Dr. Phil]

Florida.

[David Jolly]

Florida.

[Harland Williams]

Florida thing.

[Dr. Phil]

Florida.

[Harland Williams]

It's a Florida thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what they have in Florida?

[David Jolly]

Yeah, it's a thing for guys from. From Florida, like, usually.

[Harland Williams]

No, no, no. We're doing a voiceover, not giving. Cingus, what the hell are you doing?

[David Jolly]

I don't know how to do what's your boy name to do the puppet up his ass. What is it?

[Dr. Phil]

You have denim.

[Harland Williams]

It's called the Q tip.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, it's called the Q tip.

[Harland Williams]

Okay, Dude. I love it, though. Did that hurt, getting the gold put in the mouth?

[David Jolly]

Nah, they just slap it over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does it ever get in the way when you're not eating?

[David Jolly]

No, it never get in the way. It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[David Jolly]

It's actually better if you put your mouth right there by the pussy.

[Brian Redban]

Go.

[David Jolly]

That's how I clean them.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Straight up.

[Brian Redban]

Up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Dr. Phil]

Now, what part of Florida are you from?

[David Jolly]

From Orlando.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay. Disney World.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Orlando.

[David Jolly]

Okay, Disney World and cme. It's a big difference, you know? A little bit.

[Dr. Phil]

How far is Orlando from Disney World?

[David Jolly]

The. The. It's like, right on the edge. This is, like, right there, you know? 10 minutes, 5 minutes.

[Dr. Phil]

I used to think Orlando was the capital of Disney World.

[David Jolly]

Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Orlando is the capital of violence and drugs and stupid shit like that. You know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[David Jolly]

You gotta do your homework on Orlando. Ain't no Disney World shit over there. That's why they moved to Kissimmee.

[Harland Williams]

I love Florida, man. It's like you look at Florida on the map of America, it's the cutest little state, just like America's nut bag hanging down.

[David Jolly]

Yep.

[Harland Williams]

Chi bag in Cuba all day long

[David Jolly]

teabagging Puerto Ricans and Cubans. You better believe it, you know what I mean?

[Harland Williams]

Oh yeah. You ever teabag someone one?

[David Jolly]

Yep, I have. I definitely have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was his name?

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red D. Red Dan forcing in a gay joke on David Jolly.

[David Jolly]

That was a good one, Brian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the straightest men in this show's history.

[Dr. Phil]

You better believe it.

[Tommy P]

Look at this.

[David Jolly]

You think gay people do that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Yeah, they don't. I've never done that my entire life.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, that was him teabagging right there. Do it again.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, my nuts getting bigger. Cuz I'm getting older and sometime I sit on my nuts and it's getting bad.

[Dr. Phil]

Wait, I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[David Jolly]

You ever sit on your nuts harden?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, but they hatched.

[Dr. Phil]

Can you do an impression of fried chicken teabagging red band. Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. David Jolly. Thank you. We love you. There he goes. David Jolly. Time for bucket poll number three. Keeping it, moving along. Make some noise for Tommy P. Oh, I do believe he's in House section fo row RR seat 308. Tommy P. Where the is Tommy P. They finally sent out Tommy P. For those of you keeping track, they finally sent out Tommy P. Here he is, Tommy P.

[Tommy P]

Hey guys, I'm Tommy and I hate fucking kids. Nah, I don't hate fucking kids. I just fucking hate kids. I would describe myself as a dink. Double income, no kids. That's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold your booze until the end of the set, ladies and gentlemen. Give him a shot. He gets 60 seconds, we're restarting the clock.

[Tommy P]

It's double income, no kids. So I just had a vasectomy. Anybody? I got a vasectomy. So I go to the doctor, tells me to snip and snip and charge me 200 bucks right after that to masturbate and count my sperm. Speaking of kids, I really don't want to have kids. I just had a complication in my family. My brother in law just had a some trouble at the hospital. That's okay, that's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tommy P. Wow. Tommy, Tommy, this is.

[Harland Williams]

I got to. I got to tell you, Tony, this guy's whole vibe, the way you're dressed, I'm kind of glad you hate kids, you know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tommy, is this your first time trying to trying stand up comedy?

[Tommy P]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. How old are you?

[Tommy P]

I am 34.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what made you want to start here today?

[Tommy P]

I mean, I love comedy. I've always watched comedy I wrote a little set, went way worse than I thought it would go. But I figured I'd come up here and give it a try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What's some other things that good for you for chime.

[Harland Williams]

It's not easy. It's not easy.

[Tommy P]

I mean, they were just booming two seconds ago, but it's okay.

[Harland Williams]

Especially in a Fred Flintstone shirt. It's not easy.

[Dr. Phil]

You look like Fred's janitor. But you had some confidence, and then it just kind of. You let. You didn't let the booze get to you, but.

[Tommy P]

Oh, yeah, that I got. But the jokes weren't there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely not. Tommy, let's figure out what you can talk about. Not the most likable thing to come out and go, I hate kids. I hate kids. Speaking of kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's figure out more about your real life. What ethnicity are you? You look suspiciously like everything.

[Tommy P]

I am Dominican, 100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my gow. 100% Dominican. Absolutely amazing. What's the most Dominican thing about you?

[Tommy P]

I love salami and platanos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Salami and platos.

[Tommy P]

You know what that is?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Salami. I know what salami.

[Tommy P]

Dominican salami.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. What's the difference between Dominican salami and regular salami?

[David Jolly]

It's not like.

[Tommy P]

Like dry.

[Keaton McAdams]

It's like a.

[Tommy P]

Kind of like a potted me. I'm not gonna explain the whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

According to one very Dominican man in the audience. It's a bigger dicks is the difference. There's a Dominican man that insists that they have huge dicks, which is definitely not a stereotype of Dominican people, by the way. Sir. Man, Dominicans in the audience are bombing due to Tommy P. It is contagious bombing. There is fallout, nuclear fallout happening. This is incredible. Tommy, what do you do for work?

[Tommy P]

I manage a cannabis cultivation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, interesting. So true to your roots. You're gardening. Absolutely amazing.

[Dr. Phil]

Dude.

[Harland Williams]

He works at the Gravel Pit. Come on. It's Fred Flintstone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Works at the Gravel Pit.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, I'm a D.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun?

[Tommy P]

I smoke weed. I like to come to shows. I enjoy the entertainment in town. Entertainment?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. The taming in town.

[Dr. Phil]

What do you do when you get high? What's your. What's your favorite thing to do? Like, when you get high, what do you do?

[Tommy P]

Sit around and get more high?

[Dr. Phil]

Yep. Play video games or watch TV or

[Harland Williams]

do any other kids?

[Tommy P]

No, I just like to get more high.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Violently high? Violently high. Okay. What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that can Only get hard if it's a transgender with fat tits.

[Tommy P]

That is true, but I'm here with my wife or girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wife or girlfriend.

[Tommy P]

Whichever you want to call it. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Wilma, where are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, wait a second. Is it your wife?

[Tommy P]

She's my girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but why'd you call her your wife for a second?

[Tommy P]

I consider her as my wife, my life partner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think she considers you a husband after that sex?

[Tommy P]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Tommy P]

She thinks I'm funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with her?

[Tommy P]

Six years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. What does she do?

[Tommy P]

She works for UNLV Health out here. She's a social worker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. Oh, the Fremont street clan gets a big pop. UNLV Health social workers. Fremont street people are like, thank you for the free health care pa. Definite pop from the poor people section. Hey, how's the upper deck doing tonight? How about the upper. Upper third deck? Wow. They don't sound healthy up there. They don't sound healthy at all. Tommy, a really rough set, a rough interview. You're in the middle of it right now. Give us a redeeming quality about you that'll make this crowd love you.

[Tommy P]

Let's see. I'm a veteran Marine Corps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Okay. There you go. All right. Take that, you.

[Dr. Phil]

You Nazis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That guy. Hell, yeah. What did you. What did you do in the Marines?

[Harland Williams]

He was a sniper for kids.

[Tommy P]

I told you, I hate kids. No, I did data networking, communications.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Tommy P]

I work for a tank battalion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, a tank battalion. You threw that in the end to make yourself look cool?

[Tommy P]

Well, yeah, I didn't want to seem

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

gay as I did a data networking for tank battalion set there.

[Dr. Phil]

You ever shot a gun once for the range?

[Tommy P]

Yeah, they let me.

[Dr. Phil]

Was it a water gun or was it a real gun?

[Tommy P]

It was water.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You only shot it once.

[Tommy P]

No, I've shot a good. I'm good at my own sharpshooter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are a sharpshooter. Wow.

[Harland Williams]

I told you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, keep it pointed away from you. I know it's gonna be hard when this episode comes out, but, Tommy, we're gonna keep it moving along. You indeed do appreciate you guys, a little joke book.

[Dr. Phil]

Great job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll take the blame for that one. That was a little off. All right, there he goes.

[Dr. Phil]

Keep going, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're about to go into full recovery here, ladies and gentlemen, I guarantee it, because I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, from Toronto, Canada, here on a mission to destroy. This is the return of Jared Nathan. Oh, big pop from the crowd. They are on their feet. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Make some noise for Jared Nathan.

[Brian Redban]

Viva las vegas. They lost my luggage. The only choices won this or do. I want to explore And I don't look good in booty shorts. I've been here for 24 hours. I've been. I've been. I've been married. And divorce. She was

[Tommy P]

again.

[Brian Redban]

So I couldn't get a green card. I got kicked out of the. Casino. I didn't understand. Meaning of taking a chip dump at the crap table. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there you go. Jared Nathan, then. Yeah. You ain't nothing but a downs dog.

[Brian Redban]

You ain't nothing but a hammer. You got nothing on me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? I don't know. Okay, dude.

[Brian Redban]

You got nothing on me, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, dude.

[Harland Williams]

Thank God you weren't born a cow. Give me a move, my bro. Give me a moo.

[Brian Redban]

I'm on the move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Oh, my goodness. You do look exactly like Elvis Presley in the last minutes of his life. That sweet, sweet bloat. Look at you. You found one of the buffets here, huh?

[Brian Redban]

I too many peanut butter banana sandwiches. I do love the peanut butter banana sandwiches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet you do. That is a favorite.

[Brian Redban]

Grilled cheese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Phil]

What about some baby back ribs?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll be baby back after these messages.

[Brian Redban]

I don't go to Chili's.

[Harland Williams]

He just wants you to say it. Baby back ribs, no pressure.

[Brian Redban]

Back. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nailed it.

[Dr. Phil]

Can I get some hand sanitizer?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jared, are you loving Las Vegas?

[Brian Redban]

I'm loving it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey.

[Brian Redban]

La. Via Las Vegas. Via Las Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right. That's right. What does a guy like you do for fun here? Go to the roulette tables and bet on green or something?

[Dr. Phil]

Is that an option now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is, but. Just do it. But I. He's not an but it's like a. It's kind of a joke about how he's looks like.

[Harland Williams]

He looks like he goes to the buffet and bets on bacon for sake.

[Brian Redban]

I played slot machines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah?

[Dr. Phil]

What's your favorite?

[Brian Redban]

I like the shiny lights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, the shiny lights. Okay, all right.

[Brian Redban]

But no, I. I want some money, too. Yeah, I want some money, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

You get it. You'll get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That slot, it was. That wasn't a. That was an ATM. That wasn't a slot machine, Jared. That was a McDonald's order fast box.

[Harland Williams]

Do you ever get people walking up to you on the strip and go, holy, look, it's down Syndrome. Wolverine.

[Brian Redban]

What up, Bob?

[Harland Williams]

Dude, your stuttering is throwing my neck out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you do any impressions? I've never asked you this before. I feel like you have something up your sleeve.

[Brian Redban]

Old school wrestling impressions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Like what?

[Harland Williams]

See him?

[Izzy Hall]

Vader impression.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Old school Vader. Old school Vader. Wow. This is for the 0.5% of our listener fan base. You guys are about to lose your mind. Means you 28 people.

[Ari Matti]

It's.

[Brian Redban]

Fuck, it's time. It's Vader time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Dr. Phil]

Pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Look at you. I love it. I'd never known that. I didn't know that Elvis wore Velcro shoes. I thought that he was more of a blue suede shoes kind of guy.

[Harland Williams]

Knife or a kidney belt

[Dr. Phil]

or a comerag around his neck.

[Brian Redban]

Keep it special. You know I'm special needs, all this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

I also want to tell people I'm a cameo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Dr. Phil]

Yep. I think you just did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

All right.

[Dr. Phil]

Do you do kids birthday parties? I'd hire you.

[Brian Redban]

I'll do it. Yeah, let's talk. Let's ask Robin.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I don't have more than a couple minutes and it might take a couple days to get through it. Jared, I do want to.

[Brian Redban]

I'll whisper.

[Dr. Phil]

You'll whisper? Well, that's okay. Well, I'm rescinding the offer, cuz that's creepy. Jared, I do like that you came out with topical jokes about veterans Vegas. Give it up for that. He came out prepared with some material about where he was.

[Brian Redban]

Tony, I just want to thank you for everything. Because of you, I can draw a crowd to my shows.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

I have a show every month in Toronto. Four people with disabilities. Five people with disabilities. Laugh without limits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

There's no limits to laughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. That's absolutely true. Well, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? Jared, you are one of the special gems of this show. You are fantastic. We love you. You look better than ever.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bucket Pool 4 is coming up now. How about one more time for Jared Nathan? This is a big deal for a little boy from Canada. God damn. And how about a hand for the ring card? Girls, this is the great Valerie Vaughn, alternating with the, of course, the lovely Heidi. All right, your next bucketful. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Keaton McAdams. Keaton McAdams. Here we go.

[Keaton McAdams]

They only gave me like 60 seconds up here, but don't worry because 60 seconds is a long time. I feel like I've said that before, but 60 seconds is a long time. Does anybody else here ejaculate prematurely? Ladies, you can laugh. I bless quick, but I don't have any shame about it, because after another 60 seconds, I'm ready for round two. I'm not here to brag. That's not what this is. But one time. I had sex three times in the span of 45 minutes. I just wish someone else was there to see it. So I actually made you guys a video. Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we hit the big screen?

[Keaton McAdams]

All right, that's my time. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Keaton McAdams. We had no idea where you were going with that whole 60 seconds is a long time thing. And then there you were, talking about premature ejaculation. Absolutely stunning work.

[Keaton McAdams]

It's close to home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Indeed. Welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Keaton McAdams]

Just over two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Keaton McAdams]

24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Keaton McAdams]

I buy cars on the Internet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you live?

[Keaton McAdams]

I live out here. Born and raised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you buy cars off the Internet and then obviously, you resell them?

[Keaton McAdams]

The company I work for, like, auctions them off. I signed an NDA, so I shouldn't be talking about it in front of 5,000.

[Harland Williams]

It's okay. Dude, how many tonkas do you have?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little giggler over there, huh?

[Keaton McAdams]

I'm having fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Keaton McAdams]

This is a sick show. Tony. Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Thank you.

[Dr. Phil]

Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Dr. Phil]

He's saying it like he's going to get kicked off any second now. Good job, Tony. Can I stay? You look like Kyle Rittenhouse if he sold fireworks to Mils. That's a compliment.

[Keaton McAdams]

If. If Kyle Rittenhouse ran for president, I would vote for him.

[Dr. Phil]

Hell, yeah. All right, you got.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, dude. Come on up. You keep moving backwards. You want to leave or what? Let's go.

[Keaton McAdams]

No, sir.

[Harland Williams]

This guy keeps inching backwards like you know something we don't.

[Dr. Phil]

What's about to happen, Kyle?

[Harland Williams]

Let's go. Written house, huh? Orville Rittenhouser.

[Dr. Phil]

Not in my written house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keaton, you're 24. What does a 24 year old in Las Vegas do for fun?

[Keaton McAdams]

I just got into wake surfing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Where do you do that at?

[Keaton McAdams]

Out at Lake Meadows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. How many bodies have you hit?

[Keaton McAdams]

Probably a lot. It's bumpy out there. Harland.

[Harland Williams]

It's bumpy up there. So you hit some fatties?

[Keaton McAdams]

Yeah, no fatties on my boat, but

[Dr. Phil]

it's a great T shirt.

[Harland Williams]

No fatties on my.

[Dr. Phil]

No fatties on my boat.

[Harland Williams]

Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. Keaton. What is your love life like? You talked about masturbating for 55 seconds.

[Keaton McAdams]

I got dumped a few months ago, so I've been doing a lot of masturbating recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The girl that dumped you, how long were you in a relationship with her?

[Keaton McAdams]

I was just hooking up with her for a few weeks and it. It me up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why did it you up?

[Keaton McAdams]

She was really hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you think she liked you?

[Keaton McAdams]

She saw me do stand up, believe it or not, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, and then what happened? She came up to you and said what?

[Keaton McAdams]

She asked me for a cigarette and I went to the. We were at a bar downtown, and there was a liquor store next door. I don't smoke cigarettes, but I did go and buy a pack, and I came back in like five minutes later, offered her a cigarette, hit it off.

[Harland Williams]

What kind of cigarettes? Camel toe?

[Keaton McAdams]

Marlboro Lights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you bought her a pack of cigarettes? You guys have a cigarette. Then what happens? She's.

[Keaton McAdams]

She said I was like her favorite comic. A bunch of happens.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She is. Ladies. This is absolutely incredible.

[Casey Rocket]

I know.

[Izzy Hall]

I was like.

[Keaton McAdams]

Have you heard of Tony Hinchcliffe? One Shot was on Netflix. Yeah, where is it now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's. It was a licensed deal when I was seven years into my comedy career, but nice try, idiot. I love this thing. Someone started this rumor that my special got taken out. It was a licensing deal. Do you know what that means? Yeah.

[Keaton McAdams]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That means they pay you vast sums of money to put your thing up there.

[Keaton McAdams]

I enjoyed your special.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I know a lot of people did.

[Harland Williams]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2016, seven years into my career. It's inconceivable how many people want to

[Dr. Phil]

see them fight right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Dr. Phil.

[Keaton McAdams]

Tony's a mafia, so I would not with him.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, I wouldn't either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm a comedian.

[Harland Williams]

You look like Eminem, but you melted on the dashboard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keaton McAdams, 24 years old. So tell us more about your life.

[Harland Williams]

Did you say Rachel?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So interesting. No, I didn't.

[Cam Patterson]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

More about your life, Keaton.

[Keaton McAdams]

I live with my mother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Keaton McAdams]

Local winner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Okay. Very good.

[Keaton McAdams]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Keaton McAdams. Here you go, Keaton. Don't forget that. Oh, geez. Keaton. Oh, boy. There he goes. Can't jog fast enough. Here we go. Golden ticket winner coming at you. A long time golden ticket holder, ladies and gentlemen. This is the long awaited return of Todd Royce, everybody. Big boy. Todd royce.

[Todd Royce]

I have a dog. I Have a dog. Not a dog. A shih tzu poodle. I don't think if you. That's not a dog. Shih tzu poodles to me are like K pop bands. Like, they're adorable, but if I hit one with my car, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it. They all have these cute little names. People call them shoodles. I call this one a shooter. Shit Poo, especially because she's gotten old and she's lost complete control of her bowels. Shit Poo is actually what we called Grandma near the end. It's a joke. We never called Grandma near the end. She didn't have any money. Why waste our time? I want to get a pit bull.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love pit bulls.

[Todd Royce]

A lot of people think pit bulls are a violent dog. I think that's bullshit. It's all in the training. I could train my dog to be an attack dog, and it'd be perfect because no one's gonna admit to being attacked by a shoodle. But still, if you look online at adopting a pit bull, there's all this stuff about how to defend yourself if one attacks you. And they say the best way to defend yourself if a pit bull attacks you is to take your thumb and shove it up the dog's ass. They say that's the best way to defend yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A pit bull.

[Todd Royce]

I say that's the best way to defend yourself if anybody attacks you.

[Brian Redban]

You

[Todd Royce]

try that the next time you're getting mugged. It works on pit bulls and Puerto Ricans. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Todd. Royce, rock solid minute. He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Rocking some skulls on that shirt.

[Todd Royce]

Woo. What's up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell. Wow.

[Todd Royce]

My pants almost fell down.

[Cam Patterson]

Down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Did we just move backwards in time when you did that? That's incredible.

[Harland Williams]

The stage almost fell down, I'll tell you.

[Todd Royce]

That strong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I felt gravity change.

[Harland Williams]

Jurassic Park. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A groundbreaking performance here.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, you said you wanted to get a dog. You might want to get an ultrasound because I'm pretty sure you got puppies in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Those tits are shaking.

[Tommy P]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Harland Williams]

Check out mother jugs and speed over here.

[Todd Royce]

Come on, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go, Vegas.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

That's all you have to do.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

I've never seen anyone motorboat a whole city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is incredible. You know you're in Vegas when you see the sphere. Everybody, here. Here it is. Oh, it's got skulls on it right now. How cool is that? The sphere has skulls on it.

[Todd Royce]

They almost look real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is unbelievable. Todd, the way that you are shaped. You're so funny. You're so cool.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, your areola has got to be huge. When you wake up in the morning, are there bullfrogs sitting on them?

[Todd Royce]

Every time I look down, I want a pizza. Every time I look anywhere, I want a pizza. Actually, yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

You look like Jared from Subway's cocaine dealing brother. That's a compliment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of people. The flaps underneath your tits. A lot of people don't know this.

[Harland Williams]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of people don't know this, but that's where I hid my 2016 Netflix special is underneath one of his tits. Thank you. Good call back there.

[Todd Royce]

Who wants to watch it right now?

[Dr. Phil]

Pull it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's called One Slop. Todd, remind us, how do you make a living again?

[Todd Royce]

I do standup comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Todd Royce]

And I have a podcast, the Sweet Potato Pod. But we can talk about that later after everyone subscribes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Dr. Phil]

What do you talk about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are married, correct?

[Todd Royce]

I am married, yeah. I got a wife. So she's a woman.

[Jack Shaw]

She.

[Todd Royce]

I don't know why I felt the need.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what does she do for a living when she's not. When she's not rubbing defibrillators together? That would not be a Mexican sound effect at all. Professional red band.

[Harland Williams]

I think she manages his tits is what she does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude.

[Harland Williams]

Remember the other guy kept moving back. Could you move the back that way?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stand on the red spots there.

[Harland Williams]

It's like a Swiss avalanche coming at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he moves way more than he should for a guy that big. It is incredible. He's got.

[Todd Royce]

Come over there. Just start doing jumping jacks next to Harry.

[Harland Williams]

Holy fuck. How about jumping cheese jacks?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Colby jacks. Incredible. But remind us, what does your wife do for work when she's not cutting coupons to save on the budget for feeding your massive. You know what's incredible about you is that your belly, everything's big.

[Brian Redban]

Big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But then it gets, like, bigger down there. There is just something cooking in that. In that upper pouch.

[Todd Royce]

I've always said the only person I've ever sent a dick pic to is myself. Just to check in on it every once in a while.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, buddy.

[Harland Williams]

Does it look like a dick or just a giant zit?

[Todd Royce]

You tell me. I don't.

[Harland Williams]

You tell me in a while. Send me the pick. I'll let you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I will. I'll send you

[Dr. Phil]

to the whole room right now.

[Todd Royce]

I mean, I have my phone.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But remind me, what does your wife do for work when she's not she buying new straws for shamrock shakes? For those of you that don't know, and I've never exposed this fun fact, but I'm pretty sure since Todd's very first performance six or seven years ago, I've been doing this thing. Someone should make a compilation at some point. But I've been doing this thing where I make fun of your. Your fat.

[Todd Royce]

And I didn't really redban. See, it's one thing when Tony does it. When I look over at Redband and he's like, yeah, that's fat. Yeah, that's a little offensive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. You're like. He's like your mini me. You guys are like two different wacky planets.

[Todd Royce]

I have a picture of Red Band up on the. The treadmill.

[Harland Williams]

Yes. I'm a goal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a fat person.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Goal.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah. By the way, I don't use the treadmill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. Did you say treadmill or oatmeal? What are you guys talking about? Red Band's never been on a treadmill before.

[Dr. Phil]

Todd, what is your favorite food if you're lying a bit? We all have that favorite snack when you're lying in bed, right? Maybe you're a little stony. Maybe you're just a little tired. Maybe you're horny and you got. I want to dip something into something. I want to deep throat a bag of planters peanuts covered in Cool Whip. I want to suck down some Dunkaroos covered in raspberry tartar sauce. I want to shove my dick in a bucket of fudge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what's your.

[Dr. Phil]

What's your vibe?

[Todd Royce]

Can I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I take a guess?

[Brian Redban]

Sure.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I picture you dipping loaves of bread in root beer

[Dr. Phil]

like a retired camp counselor.

[Todd Royce]

I think that's how you make a root beer float.

[Eunice Martinez]

Right?

[Todd Royce]

That's what I really like. Ice cream with Fruity Pebbles and ranch. Oh, and then you mix all that.

[Dr. Phil]

Shut the up.

[Todd Royce]

It's a joke. I'm kidding. I don't eat Fruity Pebbles.

[Harland Williams]

Have you ever tripped down a boat ramp and nobody noticed?

[Todd Royce]

I fallen so many times.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Times.

[Todd Royce]

Tonight, just back here.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, I think I saw you on season three of America's Funniest Home Videos.

[Harland Williams]

He's the only guy that yells, I've fallen, and nobody else can get up.

[Todd Royce]

Oh, I was in New York City and I tripped and.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, you are New York City.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He.

[Todd Royce]

Okay, Red Man, I swear to God,

[Dr. Phil]

Todd, you were in New York and what happened?

[Todd Royce]

I tripped and I fell, and they celebrated the new year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you son Of a.

[Todd Royce]

Because the ball and I'm.

[David Jolly]

Yep.

[Todd Royce]

All right, you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not quite.

[Todd Royce]

We'll tell you later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not really a skyscraper, but you do scrape everything off your plate.

[Todd Royce]

Well, I want to be a good boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever had.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, do I have a gravy stain on my shirt or something? Can you back the away?

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, like you do.

[Harland Williams]

Just keeps getting closer. And I feel like I'm going to get eaten any second. And if you're going to eat me, let's play this game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about that? Yeah, I. I don't think he's tossed a salad in his light.

[Todd Royce]

Okay. All right. No.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, look, you got skulls on your shirt. He's got skulls on his shirt. I think they want to scissor each other or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Difference is, Todd is all skulls, no bones.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're fat. So, Todd, have you been.

[Todd Royce]

Nothing Tony loves more than a good bone?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you son of a. You son of a bitch. Oh, my God. Why, David Lucas, the gayest thing I've ever done is I accidentally once mistook Todd as a tempur Pedic mattress and I slept on top of him. I snuggled up in the fetal position in his belly button.

[Harland Williams]

This is the only guy who drives a Prius, but he calls it a BMW. Cuz all anyone ever sees it as a Burger King, McDonald's and Wendy's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

[Brian Redban]

Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, where this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Todd, you are truly one of my favorites of all time. Always rolling with the punches. No pun intended. Always. Absolutely. You know, just. I mean, always just shaking the room wherever you go. Absolutely. Wow. I cannot believe that those shoes and this and those legs and those knees. Knees and the hips can handle what you put it through.

[Harland Williams]

When you jump, do you give yourself a wedgie?

[Todd Royce]

A little bit, yeah. I'm gonna go pull this out here in a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, I never thought of this. I never thought of this. Your name is Todd Royce. Have you ever thought about going by Rolls Royce because you have so many Rolls? Do you know that you look like if Jelly Roll and Jeffrey Dahmer had a baby?

[Dr. Phil]

There we go.

[Harland Williams]

That's.

[Dr. Phil]

That was it. That's. That's tonight's new Doritos joke of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jeffrey Dahmer and Jelly Roll. Which means that he doesn't just eat. He eats humans. He eats all animals.

[Dr. Phil]

By the way, I love the. The jiggly tit thing you did. That was impressive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Todd Royce]

Thank you.

[Dr. Phil]

I don't want to skip over that.

[Todd Royce]

Okay. Yeah, no, I appreciate that. It takes a lot. This is just push ups every morning.

[Dr. Phil]

Good for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a lie.

[Todd Royce]

I don't do push ups.

[Dr. Phil]

No, we know.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah. Would you believe it? No exercise at all.

[Dr. Phil]

You're fine, you're fine. You're moving around, but you're funny. So take care of yourself, okay?

[Todd Royce]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, the legend, Todd Royce. We are flying along. We're flying through it. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Aiden Kosoi. Aiden Kosoi, bucket pole number five here. You guys still having fun?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of Beyonce, but she has a really good song. It goes like. Who runs the world?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jews.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Who runs the world?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jews.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Okay, so I try to run my life like a coming of age story, but the coming really hasn't happened yet.

[Eunice Martinez]

So.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah, I'm still a virgin, obviously. And I use lines like, hey, you want to see my Hebrew national with a side of matzo balls? Maybe we'll make the soup later, you know, or something like. Or something like Jewish. Hey, you want to see my space laser? It's got big white beams.

[Dr. Phil]

And.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Oh, and I got one more thing. You guys know terrorism is trendy now. Yeah, like people are getting tramp stamps that say I love Hamas and Osama is Addie. Okay, I'm done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Aiden Kosoy. Aiden, welcome to to the show. How, how do you feel after that, Aiden?

[Aiden Kosoy]

This was my first time. I did prepare. 60 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. Okay.

[Aiden Kosoy]

The booing got to me, but the laughs at the beginning felt really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that. Good answer. Absolutely. For a first time. Not bad. What made you want to start here? This is kind of a tough showroom. Seven thousand people watching.

[Aiden Kosoy]

I know it was big, but I didn't let the nervousness business get me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. Incredible. You are the absolute opposite of Todd Royce. You're all bones, no skull whatsoever.

[Harland Williams]

I think that came out of Todd Royce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it fell out of his pant leg.

[Dr. Phil]

Your entrance was powerful. Your walk up to the mic, you looked like you were about to shoot up a Bed, Bath and Beyond.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

He's the first ostrich ever on. Yeah. Here we go. Ostrich. Yeah. Oh no, don't do it. Easy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So Aiden, how old are you?

[Aiden Kosoy]

I'm 19.

[Dr. Phil]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

19 years old. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing. And your first time doing standup. What else do you do with your life at 19?

[Aiden Kosoy]

I play video games.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhuh. What else?

[Aiden Kosoy]

I like nature. I like reading.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you do? In nature. What do you do you catch lightning bugs or something?

[Aiden Kosoy]

I go hiking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you like to do when you're hiking?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Take pictures.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, Incredible. What do you identify as a Jew? Oh, you are a Jew?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah, that's why I made a Jew joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. I make Jew jokes all the time and I, other than my agent manager, I have no real connection with them whatsoever. Okay. What? No. So what do you do that makes you Jewish? How do you celebrate being a Jew? Do you take off Saturdays?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah. I was actually very religious when I was in college in New York, but I came back home because I faced anti Semitism.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anti Semitism, Is that a black woman? Antisemitism and Uncle Semitism would mean to me,

[Dr. Phil]

where's that motherfucker hollow bread?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, hey. My anti Semitism told me I need to move the fuck out of her house. Anti Semitism? I've never really heard it called that before. I normally hear anti Semitism. What do you think?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah, you can also call it Jew hatred.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What type of. I've, you know, I hear this, but. But it's kind of funny because, like, if you make fun of an Italian, there's no word for that. If you make fun of everybody else, it's racist. You guys have your own word. How does that make you feel? What does that mean? What does that tell you? If your people have a special word for racism, what do you think that means? If you take yourself out of the picture, what do you think about your people having a special word for just you?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Cuz everybody hates us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is the correct answer. You are correct. Very good.

[Dr. Phil]

Weirdest game show ever. Jesus Christ. Is Mario Lopez hosting this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's some very fun things I can do when it's not streaming live. So what did they do to you? What exact type of anti Semitism did you face?

[Aiden Kosoy]

I got spit on. I got death threats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where was this?

[Aiden Kosoy]

At college in New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New York City?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah. Outside Long Island.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Long Island.

[Aiden Kosoy]

I know a Jewish stronghold, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a lot of. Well, again, again, only you people call it a stronghold when you're populated there. Why do you think. Think you would do that? Why do you think the blood that runs through your veins would make you call it a stronghold? As if though you own that land. That is American land, clearly.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah. I mean, I love America, so. But also, we're not very strong, as you can see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay. So you're basically in Long island, which for those of you that don't know, is basically a big Jewish temple. And you face Anti Semitic Semitism. What exactly did they say or do to you there?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Go ahead, basically, I mean, like they said, like go back to, you know, Poland, all the normal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you've never been to Poland.

[Aiden Kosoy]

No, I'm from you. My ancestry is Ukrainian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, way to get the crowd on your side. There's some uneducated idiots that are rooting for you now, not realizing that that country still stealing our money.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, they are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, look at that pop from the crowd. Almost seems like we should stop donating to needless wars. Am I correct? If only there was a candidate for that coming up in November. It's a no brainer. Do the right thing, tell your friends. Anyway, Aiden, who are you voting voting for this November? By the look of your bones in your arms, I'm guessing you're going blue. Am I correct?

[Aiden Kosoy]

I am voting for God because he's the only one who can save us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil]

Now hold on a second. This might be the first time a Holocaust survivor is voting for God. Now it is ironic that you're Jewish, but you look like you were in the camps. But I do want to say this real quick. Yeah, hold on a second. What? Eight nights of Hanukkah. That's pretty.

[Brian Redban]

How do you.

[David Jolly]

Is that.

[Dr. Phil]

Did you get something cool each night? I'm always curious because Christmas is one Kwanza, you know, I haven't. I don't know. But Hanukkah, Hanukkah, you get eight nights. How does that work?

[Aiden Kosoy]

I mean, no, we're Jews. We get the skimpy, you know, not a president.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second, wait a second. Why would you call your people skimpy? That is just anti Semitism if I've ever seen it before.

[Aiden Kosoy]

I love self deprecation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Gotta play into the tropes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what's the greatest gift you've ever gotten on? What's it called again? Jew Kwanzaa. What is it? I know it's hot. Yoni in my earpiece. I have my own Jew in my ear. It's called Hanukkah, boss. It's never given me an answer to anything before. Literally the Jewiest thing you could do. We've been doing this for years and he's like, it's a Hanukkah. I know, I was doing that Jew Kwanzaa was a joke, Yoni. God, you people. I gotta say good. But what is the greatest. You say that they're skimpy. I know. You know, I'm like white trash Italian hybrid. We get spoiled. Even I was Poor. And I still got a little spoiled on Christmas. Cuz that's what white trash does. They spend their money, especially Italians. They don't save it for a second. What was this? What was the greatest gift you've ever gotten?

[Harland Williams]

I don't know, man.

[Aiden Kosoy]

I mean, like, I guess a laptop. It's not that cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. You're right. It's definitely not that cool. How much do you weigh? You are adorably. You're like the smaller cost you are. You're like, ah, schwitz. Ah, schwitz.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Like 117.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. 117. Actually. Absolutely incredible. I'd say 112.

[Dr. Phil]

Perfect size for Todd to eat in one bite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Let go of that microphone. Let me see if it collapse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are people yelling for the scale right now? Did we bring the scale Y. We don't have the scale A. It's a damn shame.

[Dr. Phil]

Wait, I. I can bench for US120. So let me see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Here we go. All right. Dr. Phil. Oh, he doesn't know what a bench press is. That's adorable.

[Brian Redban]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Oh, my goodness. He's curling him. Oh, my God.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, the fear.

[Dr. Phil]

Yep, he's hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you feel being curled by Dr. Phil?

[Aiden Kosoy]

It was a fun moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Moment.

[Aiden Kosoy]

I'll never forget it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[Dr. Phil]

You won't never forget.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah, exactly.

[Harland Williams]

How long you been doing stand up guy?

[Aiden Kosoy]

This is my first time.

[Harland Williams]

Is it something you want to pursue?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah, I did improv in high school, so I kind of wanted to try stand up.

[Harland Williams]

All right, let me give you a little advice, okay? Because I'm seeing a lot of this from a lot of young guys coming out, or even the older guys. Try and get away from the masturbation and the. The jerk off jokes. And it's too easy. All right, if you really want to do this, you got a laptop. Sit down and be clever. Write something original. Go watch a guy like Stephen Wright or even Hans Kim. These guys put a lot of effort. They're writing jokes. They're being clever. We see too many guys and girls come out here and just, you know, go down to that jerking off, masturbation stuff.

[Corey Grumpy Johnson]

Stuff.

[Harland Williams]

It doesn't work. Nobody wants it. So to you and every other young comic, use your mind, be smart, be clever. And let's bring the game up a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you can start the process with one of these amazing little joke books. There he goes. Aiden Kosoy, everybody. It is time for him to go back to Poland. Am I right? All right, we're having Fun here. Ladies and gentlemen, another special treat. Neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner. But David Lucas called in sick today. He is under the weather, couldn't make it. So I had to call up someone from the bullpen. An alternate player that you know this is a brand new minute from. Love him or hate him, the one and only Un Knuckle Laser, everybody. Here he is. Here he comes. Live in the flesh. The real deal. Soaking it in pro wrestling energies. Oh, my God.

[Brian Redban]

Shining like a diamond in a go, Jess Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How we feeling?

[Brian Redban]

Now.

[Uncle Laser]

Listen here. I volunteered to coach a little league baseball team down there in Austin this summer. And by volunteered I mean it was court ordered. But there's a plethora of single mothers at them baseball games. Any single mothers in here?

[Brian Redban]

Here.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, I can smell you like Thanksgiving leftovers. You goddamn right I can't. And listen, I love me a good single mother now. I really do. More kids are better. All right, I need that waller down. If that don't look like a mud flap on the back of an 18 wheeler just blowing around in the breeze, I just don't want no part of it. Cuz I'm be honest with y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All. Thai makes me claustrophobic.

[Uncle Laser]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do I want to do?

[Uncle Laser]

Have sex with a 21 year old little Thai come in 30 seconds, apologize for half an hour and then listen

[Harland Williams]

to her talk about true blood?

[Uncle Laser]

Not a chance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, bucket and Uncle Laser. Look at that solid minute. Oh, the haters are gonna have to rest their fingers after a set like that. Look at this guy. Almost unrec. You did tell me. I told you with that said. You also told me all the other sets.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The history of the show. A fun fact about Uncle Lazer. And I think this is good that I'm about to expose this is that he talks a lot of. I'm getting a lot better, Tony, you got to give me another shot. And I tell him, you're not a golden ticket winner. You're not a regular killer. But he is a fun guy to hang out with here and there. Even though it seems like I like hanging out with people that do a lot of crazy drugs.

[Uncle Laser]

But you drug test me right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sober as a judge, and it is true. But before a lot of sets, you get nervous in those last minutes. And he tends to drink a lot and he tends to smoke some weed to calm himself down. And then he has to take a half an Adderall to pick himself back up. Up. And then a quarter of his annex cuz the Adderall zipping. And then he has to do a little Robituss and then a Calis. Like he literally does this thing where

[Uncle Laser]

he's like, I up and I'm Tony, be fair. Is that California weed you be bringing down there in Austin? Every time I smoke that, it feels like I got down syndrome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. I've taken a lot of heat lately and I've been having to warn people that want to smoke and hang. It's like become an actual, actual problem recently. I don't know what the going on, but it used to be you just smoke weed and everybody's okay. I don't know what's happening, but it is true. My weed is ridiculously strong.

[Uncle Laser]

Strong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is, it is. It's like Jared Nathan, I just want

[Harland Williams]

you to know, bro, when you walked out here and you threw your glasses into the crowd, you hit a blind lady right in the eyes.

[Uncle Laser]

Well, at least she has them glasses to cover that goofy up with.

[Harland Williams]

You hear me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me? Wow, look at that coconut feet tonight.

[Dr. Phil]

Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Coconut, coconut pie.

[Uncle Laser]

You guys eat that after youall three each other or what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Laser. Oh, my God.

[Brian Redban]

Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. The crowd goes wild

[Dr. Phil]

low coming from a guy who says his own name when he comes.

[Uncle Laser]

Listen, Hillary Clinton, I'm going need you to take that pants suit off, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Oh, lasers having a moment. Look at the strut. Look at the confidence.

[Harland Williams]

Come on, give me

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

lasers. Having a breakout performance right now. We're never going to hear the end of the it. You saw what I did in Vegas. I need another shot.

[Harland Williams]

I want to give his mullet of Brazilian.

[Brian Redban]

Maybe it's him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or maybe it's Maybelline.

[Uncle Laser]

You know what I'm talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Also, wow.

[Harland Williams]

Wow, that feels like Jennifer Garner on a Thursday night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Hey, Tony. I was in LA this past week. I had to take some acting classes, you know. Y' all know Donald Cowboy Cerron is right. I said, he's a good homie of mine. And he's like, hey, man, I got this western that we're gonna do on Netflix. I wrote you in a character. I wrote this just for you. No one else can play this. I need a southern gritty nasty. You're gonna be a confederate officer. It's gone rogue.

[Cam Patterson]

And I'm like, well, man, I'm.

[Uncle Laser]

He's like, it's a big deal. I said, well, let me get acting class. He goes, good. He goes, because your first scene is a rape scene.

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

And I said, man, I don't know if they offer that at the acting classes. You know what I'm saying?

[Dr. Phil]

Something tells me you could improvise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well,

[Harland Williams]

nothing like a Confederate officer with a tattoo of Mr. T on his arm. By the way, that acting class, do they teach funny. I'm kidding. That's my son. That's my son.

[Todd Royce]

On.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait.

[Dr. Phil]

Laser, you do have, as Hollywood says, a look, right? That is prime to book something special. If you could have a dream job, acting job like your show, who would you play? What would the show be called?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, take your time. Sound it out.

[Uncle Laser]

Like, I could play any character that.

[Dr. Phil]

Any character. Like a cowboy or a rapist or a rap rapist cowboy. Or like a bank teller that, like, you know, is also a killer on the side. Some. Dexter, maybe you're a house mom with a. I don't know, what's Ellen DeGeneres?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Uncle Laser]

Hey, dude, give my dad his shirt back. Dude, you went to Chili's already. Good shirt. Hey, honestly, Mr. Dr. Phil, I mean,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you could play four of the lead roles of Orange is the New Black for sure. That's how you do it.

[Uncle Laser]

Now, I would be Clifford the big red dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

I got you.

[Harland Williams]

How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All right.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, we'll call you back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uncle Laser, an absolutely amazing performance. You got laughter throughout big pop from the live audience and all the way throughout your set. Gotta be one of your best sets ever.

[Harland Williams]

In here we go with one day, we got some music.

[Uncle Laser]

So awesome.

[David Jolly]

Real.

[Uncle Laser]

Today is my actual birthday turn 34 day.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Uncle Laser]

I'm going to get real sappy and gay real quick, but it'd be funny. Just wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy.

[Uncle Laser]

So on my birthday is just kind of bittersweet. My granddaddy died on my birthday when I was 14. And he's the best man I ever met in my life. He was a real cowboy, not the you see on the country music radio, tv. He used to break horses and, you know, break horses and drive cattle. He used to fight chickens, you know what I'm saying? I don't know what came first, a chicken or the egg, but that been fighting it since the dawn of time, you know what I'm saying? And when he was dying, my mama and all his sisters, my mom and all her sisters wanted to go to the hospital. And he said, nah, I built this house on my bare hands. I die in this house, y' all come see me 101. Say our goodbyes Bury me in the backyard away to good Lord intend He told me Two things. And this has changed my life throughout my entire life. This is kind of what I live by and I want to share with y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Uncle Laser]

He said, when you walk into a room, you got to know that the room got better. Not in a cocky sense, but in a sense that somebody gets to meet you and you get to meet them. And for a moment in time, you get to change not only their life, their day, their year, whatever it may be, it don't cost no amount of money just to be kind to somebody. To meet everybody with a hug, a handshake or a smile.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness, I think it's time for you to start doing drugs again, dude.

[Uncle Laser]

Now that same granddaddy also told me that playing harmonica translates well to eating pussy. So I'm gonna show you, all right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On a harmonica There are 10 frets, 1 to 10.

[Uncle Laser]

It just so happens the distance between 1 to 10 is the same distance between a woman's vagina and her butthole. Now listen here. I don't make the rules. I just measure twice and cut once. You hear me? This is what a pussy sound like. Ph, a little off, but you know what I'm saying. This here is what a butthole sound like. That old rusty hook never found a clitoris. Search continues. But if I do that gonna sound like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My name is Uncle Lazer. Thank y' all so much, Uncle Lazer. From the oil fields of Texas to a giant sold out massive theater in Las Vegas, Nevada. It's time for bucket pool number six. Ladies and gentlemen. Where's our lovely bucket pool girl? Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait. Is that the great Paul?

[Brian Redban]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness, Holly. Oh my goodness, Holly, your body is unbelievable. I must say. What is going on? We almost saw the Weasel and the fucking Encino man. Am I right? I'm not Poly Shore. We're in Las Vegas. I'm a poly churro look alike. It is true. I found you on Fremont Street. I have some good news to announce. I'm the Pauly Shore lookalike is starring in the new Richard Simmons biopic. And I beat out the real Pauly Shore. Paulie, I gotta say, you have a massive fucking cock and balls. That is incredible. What is going. That thing has been stretched out since your MTV VJ days. Look at that. That's what happens when you 40 years of banging nines and tens. Scar tissue, buddy.

[Dr. Phil]

You got a cock's got jury duty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I think I found your son in law. It's the herpes dome. Oh my God. Okay, Red Band.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, look at those underpants. It's like the cast of Cocoon is in there. Holy crap. Oh, he's pulling it out. Is that your adult diaper?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yo, we wanted Carrot Top to come on stage with me, but he said he's still busy for us, bro.

[Dr. Phil]

Boo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I see your very top.

[Harland Williams]

Put the casino man back in the cave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I noticed that ring card went way down when you pulled those paper towels out of your pants.

[Harland Williams]

Dude, where did you get the blueberry underpants?

[Dr. Phil]

You're dressed like an umpire at an over 70 softball league.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you look like you're about to read the kids in Portland, Oregon, right now.

[Dr. Phil]

We love you, Paulie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heidi and Valerie, they just needed a break. They're at the Spearmint rhino for about 30 minutes. Wow. And they wanted me to sit in for them and just bring out card number six. We got another comedian coming up, so they're just trying to make a little extra cash while they're here in town. Yeah, very sweet of you. Speaking of, Heidi, you've been hiding behind that card since you pulled those paper towels out of your pants.

[Harland Williams]

I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Dude, you've got a cesarean scar on your ass crack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that ass is flatter than the Ukrainian Jew's punchlines from earlier. Paulie, what's up with your body, buddy? I've been eating a lot of buffets, bro.

[Harland Williams]

Looks like one of the shrimp fell into your underpants. And not a jumbo shrimp either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wasn't. I wasn't planning on Paulie as the ring card girl as being one of the funniest parts of the show tonight. I'm dying up here.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, my God,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you guys. I'm gonna cruise back to the back, have a great time in the rest of the show. Make some noise to the legend, Paul Shore. The man, the myth, the legend. Oh, my God.

[Dr. Phil]

How many people think Paulie should be a permanent ring girl?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Edgar Sandoval, ladies and gentlemen. We're keeping it moving along. Edgar Sandoval. Make some noise for Edgar, everybody. Here he comes. We're going to meet him all together. It's a long episode. One more time for Edgar Sandoval, everyone.

[Edgar Sandoval]

Excited to be here, but I gotta get this off my chest. My brother owns a restaurant. It's called the Asian Palate. And three times in one year, they were victims of some really racist vandalism. Last time it happened, somebody covered the bathroom wall in big letters. F U, C K Asians. Which was very upsetting for our family because clearly this premeditated. Clearly someone went there with hate and intent. Because you can't go to a place called the Asian Palate and be surprised by Asian people and Asian food. It's called the Asian Palate. It's not a surprise. It's in the name. It's like when I go to the Cracker Barrel. I can't go to the Cracker Barrel and surprised by chicken fried steak and white people. It's in the name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. I cannot believe how wild the crowd went for that Cracker Barrel joke after a 43 second long setup. But they wanted it so badly that you gave them something, Edgar.

[Edgar Sandoval]

They liked it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They did. Edgar, how are you, buddy?

[Edgar Sandoval]

I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing standup?

[Edgar Sandoval]

Eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Where at?

[Tommy P]

Pur.

[William Montgomery]

Illinois.

[Edgar Sandoval]

The Jukebox Comedy Club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Okay. Peoria, Illinois. We know.

[Edgar Sandoval]

City limits to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. Dropping some names. Eight years in. What do you do for a living?

[Edgar Sandoval]

I work for Caterpillar, the earth moving women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. I would not have expected you working with heavy machinery.

[Harland Williams]

He looks like a little Caterpillar. You're cute.

[Casey Rocket]

Do comedy.

[Harland Williams]

You must.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, you were funny. You're like Gilbert Gottfried. Rice.

[Tommy P]

Nice.

[Jack Shaw]

All right.

[Dr. Phil]

That sounded funnier in my head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity are you? I know you're some type of Asian.

[Edgar Sandoval]

I'm Filipino.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Eunice Martinez]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

It's my favorite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Filipino.

[Harland Williams]

Dr. Filipino.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay. Yeah. Maybe we do a beach cop show or something.

[Edgar Sandoval]

We could do that.

[Dr. Phil]

What's your. What's your favorite. What's your. What's your. What do you like to do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that. Great question, Dr. Phil. Great.

[Dr. Phil]

Like after the shoe. After the show tonight, you'll go home and do what?

[Edgar Sandoval]

Probably watch more comedy.

[Dr. Phil]

Big comedy guy.

[Edgar Sandoval]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Harland Williams]

You ever fart so hard a fortune comes out of your ass?

[Dr. Phil]

Good question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan, you ever fart so hard? Try to find you?

[Aiden Kosoy]

Not yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Edgar Sandoval, what do you exactly do as hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that has an amazing chopstick collection or something.

[Edgar Sandoval]

Yeah, I. I coach soccer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Edgar Sandoval]

Little kids, high school soccer for the past 22 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

High school. Girls.

[Edgar Sandoval]

Yes, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Girls.

[Tommy P]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right. I. I knew that.

[Harland Williams]

Is it weird coaching the kids when they're 4 inches taller than you?

[Edgar Sandoval]

It's rough. Cuz, you know, when you coach them when they're little and then they get to high school and. Yeah. I'm always like this.

[Harland Williams]

So. Must go out and score goals. You must.

[Edgar Sandoval]

And, and, and that is the pep talk they get.

[Dr. Phil]

But if they talk, you can hit them and stuff, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay. Just asking for a friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, nothing creepy with these high school girls. 22 years doing it. I'm getting some Sandusky vibes from you.

[Edgar Sandoval]

Oh, gosh, I hope not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Dr. Phil]

What did you say about caterpillars?

[Edgar Sandoval]

The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Enough about what was in Paulie's underwear? Is that gonna go?

[Harland Williams]

Paulie's underwear? I've never seen underwear made out of blueberry yogurt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there was a lot of extra space in there. The tight band with very loose parts.

[Harland Williams]

Senior center.

[Dr. Phil]

What kind of underwear do you wear?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, what color are yours?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great question. He's looking curiously blue.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, that's correct.

[Harland Williams]

Maybe you and Paulie can hang out later and make a blueberry turnover.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hope not.

[Harland Williams]

I hope so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sure you do.

[Harland Williams]

Must roll around in Walmart sleeping bag. You must.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Edgar.

[Edgar Sandoval]

I wish I could do that at Yoda impression.

[Harland Williams]

Try, buddy. Don't be. This is show business. Just try it. Give it a try.

[Edgar Sandoval]

I do.

[Dr. Phil]

Everybody does.

[Harland Williams]

Try it and say everything backwards.

[Edgar Sandoval]

I. I only do Homer Simpson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, try Yoda.

[Harland Williams]

Come on, try it. Try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make this joke.

[Edgar Sandoval]

I must.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Very good. We're gonna keep it moving along. I got go stand the ball. There you go. Catches like a soccer coach. Good. Good first joke, too, by the way.

[Harland Williams]

You know why? You know why Yoda never got married?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Harland Williams]

Because he says everything backwards. And every times he gets up to the A, they go, do you take this woman to be your wife? And he goes, do I?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, homie. Okie dokie. Wow. Red band. Absolutely forcing a march Simpson impression there. Absolutely. I mean, literally, like a person having multiple strokes throughout the episode. Your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen. How many of you are real fans of the show, huh? Well, I stalked the back part of this lineup with some of your favorite superstars. Let the chaos absolutely be again as I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is a big stage, and this guy knows how to use it. Ladies and gentlemen, here in Las Vegas, Nevada, I present the one and only Casey Rocket.

[Brian Redban]

Sam.

[Harland Williams]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, when I was a kid, if

[Casey Rocket]

there was fentanyl in the pills, we

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

just did less pills.

[Casey Rocket]

We didn't throw the baby out with the bath water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We just did a little less pills. Oh, man.

[Casey Rocket]

Hell yeah. My pronouns are bi, onicle. Nobody gets me.

[Izzy Hall]

So tragic

[Casey Rocket]

couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Sorry if I seem a little off tonight. Somebody Slipped me some ketamine and I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

woke up in Baghdad, so.

[Casey Rocket]

Allah what akbar. So cool to think about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're on the holidays.

[Casey Rocket]

It's actually funny you bring that up. What does ketamine feel like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good question.

[Casey Rocket]

Ketamine. Ketamine kind of feels like. Have you ever woken up, up in the middle of the night because your dog is barking at the closet? So it's like that, but you're the

[Harland Williams]

dog,

[Casey Rocket]

and you're also hiding in the closet. Sort of a duality of man situation. Interesting to think about.

[Todd Royce]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm Casey Rocket. So fun. Thank you. Casey Rocket has arrived with what appears to be a new trademark office chair. We've never seen anything like this before.

[Harland Williams]

Tony. I was so terrified when he was rolling across there. He almost hit Pauly Shore's adult diaper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Casey Rocket]

Are you asking me a question?

[Harland Williams]

I'm too tired to riff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You must be exhausted. You have a. A very special crab man bottle of Robitussin wrapped around your neck. We've never really seen anything like it before.

[Casey Rocket]

This old thing? Yeah, this is the test chain.

[Dr. Phil]

Where do you get one of those?

[Casey Rocket]

Nick Saban made it for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Shout out hall of fame college football head coach Nick Saban now on college game day.

[Casey Rocket]

ESPN college game day. He made it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's pretty sweet.

[Casey Rocket]

I've been. Well, I was inducted into the mind freaks. Criss Angel's mind freaks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

So I've been training with them for six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Levitating.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah. What's that initiation like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Freaky.

[Casey Rocket]

It's a lot of him, like, handing me a box of raisins, and it'll be all melted, and he'll go, I did that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'll go.

[Harland Williams]

I'll go, all right.

[Dr. Phil]

Cool. Magic trick, Chris.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

He'll go, you feel that? And I'll go, feel what? And he'll go, you got a blood clot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That is amazing.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Pays the bills.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good cash.

[Dr. Phil]

Pays the bills.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you do a little levitating for us? Perhaps?

[Casey Rocket]

Maybe if everybody gets on the. Their claps their hands.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Dr. Phil]

it's like some Peter Pan Tinkerbell

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

using the energy from the audience. You got to keep clapping. I think people.

[Harland Williams]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His eyes are doing something crazy. Wow. Oh, my God. Whoa. Oh. Oh, my God. The tusk is shaking.

[Keaton McAdams]

That's awesome.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. We'll put it in in post. We'll go put it through an editing. Put it through an AI thing for the viewers at home. It's gonna look amazing.

[Casey Rocket]

I'll Be like Tony Collette and hereditary. He'll be flying, floating at the six people.

[Tommy P]

Who cares?

[Casey Rocket]

It's okay. Felt good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey, what does a guy like you do in Las Vegas, Nevada?

[Casey Rocket]

Play it fast and loose. Yeah, I'm gonna. Jolly was talking about paying for P Word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Paying for.

[Casey Rocket]

I'd like to pay to make love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness, that's sweet.

[Casey Rocket]

Even if it's double or triple, I don't care.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your number? Like, how much will you pay?

[Casey Rocket]

What's the ceiling? No ceiling. Old money. I'd pay anything. I. Sky's the limit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There is no ceiling for a man that levitates like you.

[Casey Rocket]

Something like that.

[Izzy Hall]

Ooh.

[Dr. Phil]

You stay up late enough in Vegas? Case you'd be surprised what you can get a gal to do with her mouth for an Arby's beef and cheddar. A friend told me that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That from Dr. Phil? No doubt about it. He's been around the block.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I've been around for a bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, a billionaire. You're a billionaire, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil]

Sure, I can afford Arby's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're goddamn right.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. I'd like her to dress up like my college girlfriend and apologize for my alcoholism. Would be cool. She'd be like, I'm sorry you pissed your pants or whatever. And I be water under the bridge.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

You ever fucking a waterbed, Casey?

[Casey Rocket]

If you think so. Yeah, if you think that.

[Dr. Phil]

I do.

[Casey Rocket]

Have you done that?

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Philibio.

[Dr. Phil]

Hold that thought, Tony. We'll be right back. No, yeah, of course. I lost my virginity in a waterbed and I still make love to my wife in a waterbed. It's just fun. It feels like you're in the ocean.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I love thinking about the ocean, especially around the holidays. It's.

[Dr. Phil]

Which holiday? Jiu Kwanzaa. Like Tony said,

[Casey Rocket]

whichever one's closest, I would love.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm thinking about it right now. I don't know if you can tell.

[Dr. Phil]

Take your time.

[Casey Rocket]

But I'm thinking about making love on the waterbed. And Shorty's really getting it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Tufts dangling over her head. She's hypnotized by the crab. No doubt about it.

[Casey Rocket]

You like that thing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Dr. Phil]

Cool. Are you wearing the Tussin necklace when you're.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, yeah. It's hitting her.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

She gotta wear a goalie mask.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's rocking her nose. Yeah. Oh, there it is.

[Harland Williams]

You love the ocean. You love the ocean, little buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trick or treat.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, yeah, you love it.

[Harland Williams]

Here, let me do Something for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, the wind is blowing. It's a lot of wind. Oh, my goodness, he's levitating.

[Harland Williams]

Does that turn you on?

[David Jolly]

Me high?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Horny.

[William Montgomery]

Horny.

[Harland Williams]

What's the farthest. What's the farthest you've ever rolled in your chair? What's the longest distance ever?

[Casey Rocket]

Couple clicks, couple clicks.

[Dr. Phil]

Couple clits.

[Casey Rocket]

Clicks.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, I thought you said clits.

[Harland Williams]

That's what I thought. I'm like, where'd to get the gynecology chair?

[Casey Rocket]

No, a couple clicks, like two clicks east. I've taken it a couple times.

[Harland Williams]

Okay. What'd you find when you stopped stuff?

[Casey Rocket]

I'm not comfortable talking about around the holidays, but.

[Harland Williams]

Was it an all nude Office Depot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[David Jolly]

Yeah, I'm home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

So cool to think about.

[Dr. Phil]

How much driftwood did you find on the beach today?

[Casey Rocket]

Dozen.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, a dozen.

[Casey Rocket]

Dozen quarts. Couple quarts, couple clicks, call it a day.

[Dr. Phil]

You kind of look like the guy with the metal detector walking around being

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, I found a treasure. Yep, there he is levitating again.

[Dr. Phil]

Full of blood clots. Look at that.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, it looks like you found Helen Keller. What the hell was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness, he's levitating.

[Dr. Phil]

Poor killer Helen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Harland Williams]

He looks like an opioid waitress at Red Lobster.

[Dr. Phil]

Holy. If you're lucky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey, you're an absolute superstar. We love you so much. Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

So fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. All right, bucket pool number seven, ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Schumann ii. Now, I'm gonna. I'm gonna pull for a woman on this next bucket pull because we haven't had a female yet tonight, but for now, this is Anthony Schuman ii. Make some noise for Anthony, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

How's it going?

[Anthony Schuman II]

Las Vegas just had that fourth kid. Yeah, that post vasectomy baby. Yeah, the miracle baby, as my wife calls it. That kid doesn't look anything like me. I'm pretty sure he's Mexican, guys,

[Todd Royce]

so

[Anthony Schuman II]

I named him after my best friend, Diego. Seemed fitting. No, we adopted that one, you assholes. Yeah, he's a rescue. Favorite thing I've learned as a dad. Favorite thing I've learned, you guys can take it home and do it tonight. You can hit any kid you want. Doesn't have to be yours. All you gotta do yell bees first.

[Brian Redban]

Bee, bee. Killer bees.

[Anthony Schuman II]

I'm Anthony Schuman, everybody. Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anthony Schuman, welcome to the show.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. There will be jokes. Look at you. How long you been on standup five years now. I love it all here in Vegas.

[Anthony Schuman II]

No, I'm from Tacoma, Washington, myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice little big pop for Tacoma, Washington. Very interesting.

[Dr. Phil]

Is that how they fight bees in Tacoma?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jiu jitsu?

[Anthony Schuman II]

You know how it goes, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil]

Let's go, baby. A one, two punch.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Kick those kids in the face is what I say, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil]

That's not what I was talking about, but okay. What are you still talking about? Bees.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living, Anthony?

[Anthony Schuman II]

I'm a stay at home dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Anthony Schuman II]

I used to be in the military. I retired. Now I stay home with my kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. How many kids do you have?

[Anthony Schuman II]

I have four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at you. Yeah. Damn.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Three regulars and a rescue. That's what we do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. My goodness.

[Harland Williams]

I gotta stay for a stay at home dad. You're not very good at it. I see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No abandon the.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Out of my first chance I got Arland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are your kids?

[Anthony Schuman II]

I got 10, 12. And then I got three and two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Coconut cream pie. Am I right?

[Anthony Schuman II]

Love a cream pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Harland Williams]

So have you ever been attacked by bees? Like, have you ever been swarmed by actual bees or hornets?

[Anthony Schuman II]

You think that bit came out of nowhere, Harlan?

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, tell. That's why I'm thinking.

[Anthony Schuman II]

I am a beekeeper, my friend.

[Harland Williams]

A beekeeper.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Hell yes, Mr. Harland Williams. I have bees at my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two hives.

[Harland Williams]

Whoa.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Drop the bees.

[Anthony Schuman II]

You just got to watch out for those killer bees.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah. Have you ever been swarmed by killer bees?

[Anthony Schuman II]

No, no, no. They're Africanized.

[Harland Williams]

You will. You will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, they are.

[Anthony Schuman II]

Shut the up. That's a bee fact, you dicks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Anthony, all your kids healthy?

[Anthony Schuman II]

All healthy. One with cerebral palsy, but he's healthy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Is he funny? I'm looking for another golden ticket winner.

[Anthony Schuman II]

I'm getting him there. I'm getting him there.

[Dr. Phil]

Tony, very good comedy cures. You said you're the second, right?

[Anthony Schuman II]

I am not the second, Anthony.

[Cam Patterson]

Moonshin.

[Anthony Schuman II]

I don't know how that got on there. I think this number 11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. No parentheses on it. That's. That makes sense. There's parentheses around the other numbers. They just put in 11 next to your last name. Look at that. Unbelievable. There's 232, 45, 106, 183, 114, 48, and then the second guess. That one's on me.

[Harland Williams]

When you're not on stage, do you chew a piece of hay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do look like a hay chewer.

[Anthony Schuman II]

I live on a farm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

[Dr. Phil]

Circle gets a square.

[Harland Williams]

What do you farm, my guy?

[Anthony Schuman II]

We got bees. Yeah, we got pigs. We even got some of those slanty eyed kids to help the landscaping.

[Tommy P]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay. And we'll be right back.

[Harland Williams]

What the.

[Dr. Phil]

Jesus.

[Harland Williams]

Release the bees.

[Dr. Phil]

Release the bees.

[Harland Williams]

Release. Drop the bees, Bees. Drop the.

[Dr. Phil]

Drop the bees. Coconut pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna keep it moving. There goes Anthony Schumann, Tacoma, Washington, baby. All right, ladies and gentlemen, one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show. Perhaps you know the words of his theme song. When you met him, he was living in his van, addicted to open mics. Now, he is a superstar that flew in just for this. Make some noise. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up, Vegas? It's great to be here at Resorts World. I love the giant screen you have on the building. I'm staying in Bert Kreischer's left nipple. Haitians are eating cats now. I don't realize my ancestors were on the Haitian diet this whole time. Apparently they're bad at driving, too. They're taking everything from us. I feel like an Italian in the 60s. I'm about to be white.

[Dr. Phil]

Soon, soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The only thing they haven't taken is the little dick thing. They're out here crashing into cars, eating

[Izzy Hall]

cats with big dick energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unlike Haitians, my family eats cats year round, not just during election season. Thank you guys so much. Hans Kim. Very strong. Thank you, Tony.

[Uncle Laser]

You're welcome, Hansi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very fun set. You've done it again, Dr. Phil. What do you think about this young buck boy?

[Dr. Phil]

Hans, if you're here, who's sleeping on a bench at the mall somewhere? Hans, you're consistently funny. You come out. I've known you for a hot minute now, and you come out here. Your. Your delivery just gets sharper and sharper. Do you feel locked in right now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I'm talking like a normal person. I. I am talking like a normal prisoner. I always sound so normal. I'm trying not to do that voice. Very good. I'm trying to be white.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah, well, you're funny, so I want to say something. So I referenced Hans earlier on the show tonight. About eight or nine years ago, I'd never met Hans, and you opened for me in Seattle. Do you remember that, Hans?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Harland Williams]

And when we finished the weekend, I went up to Hans. I'd never met him. And the thing I said to him, I said, hans, you know what I really like about you? You're a really Good writer, I can tell you. Take the time to think out your jokes, write clever jokes. And so. So I want to go back to what I said. I want all the other young comics that come on this show and use it as a launching pad to use Hans as an example. Go deeper, go smarter, go clever. Leave kind of the ejaculation and jerk off material at home and strive to be smart like Hans, and you go a lot further in this industry. So good for you, buddy. Yeah. Thank you.

[Dr. Phil]

Yes, yes. But to that point.

[Brian Redban]

Point.

[Dr. Phil]

If you're a fat guy and you can jiggle your tits, do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it. Hans, are you enjoying Las Vegas? It's amazing. I found a joint on the ground. Oh, my God. I'm gonna smoke it soon. No.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay. Weird idea.

[Harland Williams]

Did you ever find a piece of dog on the ground?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, we eat that in Asia. Where exactly on the ground did you find this joint that excited you? You're literally rich. Thank you. I found it right here by the lift and Uber pickup area.

[Harland Williams]

Oh, that was mine. Can I get that back?

[Izzy Hall]

Of course, Harland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you literally found something wrapped in a rolling paper, and you're like, oh, today's my rooky day. Oh. Oh, wow.

[Harland Williams]

Las Vegas luck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do not smoke things that you find on the ground, Hans.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, it's a hard pass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is so interesting. No matter how much we've watched him grow and watched his life change, there is, like, deep inside of you, this just weird, thrifty autistic guy. You found a joint near the Uber lift pickup section of a Las Vegas high traffic casino and hotel, and it excited you very much. So I. This is one of the best things I found here. Wow.

[Dr. Phil]

If you could smoke weed with one person in the world, dead or alive, who would it be?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I already smoked away with Joe Rogan and Tony Hinchcliffe. No big. No big deal.

[Dr. Phil]

Pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But besides that, probably like Mother Teresa.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, well, weird answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very weird answer. Or like some child star like Haley Joel Osment.

[Dr. Phil]

Yep, that'd be fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In his prime.

[Dr. Phil]

See what he sees. He's like, I see a fucking Taco Bell two minutes from here.

[Harland Williams]

What did Mother Teresa's bong look like?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wrinkled.

[Harland Williams]

And yes, I said her bong, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looked very holy. It looked like a bunch of Indian

[Izzy Hall]

people coughed on it or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okie dokie. Okay, yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Feels like a good time to transition.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans, you are adored and loved all the way around.

[Harland Williams]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Defender of his throne.

[Brian Redban]

Then

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

make some noise for Hans Cam. Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has gone Even longer than I expected. I announced that this will be your final bucket poll of the night. I only had to pull two names to find our first female comedian of the night. Your final bucket poll goes by the name of Eunice Martinez. Units. Martinez. God damn. Make some noise for Valerie Vaughn. Jesus Christ Almighty. Unbelievable. And one more time for Eunice Martinez.

[Eunice Martinez]

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, man. Speaking of grifty and a lot of cats going missing, I'm what's known as a recovering MILF mangling muff muncher. Weird way to say that. I date guys now, and I've gone to therapy for my grandma issues. I know you're not in therapy. That's why we're here together. All right. And with that in mind, I gotta tell you, I'm so impressed with the lineup I've seen and with, like, the people coming and going, going. Because being in Albuquerque right now, the only thing I see coming and going is the stuff out of my yard. And a lot of that has to do with it getting warmer outside. And there's a great migration happening from our war zone up to the Sandias. A lot of you were mad because of Unhomed, but I'm not gonna talk about pussy no more. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You now Eunice Martinez. Hello, Eunice. Am I saying that correctly? Eunice. Okay, how do you feel like that went?

[Eunice Martinez]

I mean, so. I mean, I got booed by the men that aren't familiar with pussy, I guess. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, I like that. Attack the audience for not laughing at.

[Eunice Martinez]

Do they want me to take my shirt off or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, they definitely don't want that.

[Brian Redban]

No, I'll do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No,

[Harland Williams]

no, I wanted that fat guy to take his shirt off earlier. That's what I wanted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eunice, have you done stand up before?

[Eunice Martinez]

I actually have been doing it for, like, eight years and improving. Oh, I'm open to learning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm open to learning. Jesus Christ. Nothing you said made any sense. A recovering milf. What does that mean, a recovering milf?

[Eunice Martinez]

Mangling muncher is a term that I came up with, basically. I like old ladies. I like gray hair on my. Is what I am saying when I eat it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a lesbian?

[Eunice Martinez]

I was for a long time, yeah. And then now they're calling it just, like, pansexual, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you're a recovering milk. You have a kid?

[Eunice Martinez]

No, I actually lost it in February. That's why I still have the pouch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You lost what?

[Eunice Martinez]

The kid. It was an overachiever jumped out before time. That's. That's how I refer to miscarriages. It's too antiquated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had a miscarriage in February?

[Eunice Martinez]

Yeah. Yeah. I wish it was a beer. Good. It's not.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what happens.

[Eunice Martinez]

I guess we don't talk about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, my goodness. How far along was the pregnancy?

[Eunice Martinez]

Like, four months. So, like, right in the half, and then it just went during the halftime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were doing stand up during this?

[Eunice Martinez]

No, I was actually a baker. I probably should have been doing stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were baking?

[Eunice Martinez]

Yeah, I'm a baker by trade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Obviously you don't specialize in buns in the oven.

[Eunice Martinez]

Mine was faulty.

[Dr. Phil]

Yikes.

[Harland Williams]

Okay.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, very rarely do you get to do a baker miscarriage joke.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah. That is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night. Now, I do want to ask a personal question. So four months in. So did you. Did you know it? You know, because I've. I've dealt with a lot of miscarriages on my show. Okay. And usually there's a feeling that happens when it happens happens.

[Harland Williams]

Right.

[Dr. Phil]

Little bit of, you know, little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little.

[Dr. Phil]

Little pre. Fart. Okay. There's a signal, a sign. Did you feel it coming or did it just kind of.

[Eunice Martinez]

You woke up and I. I went to the restroom and I was like, that's not supposed to happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And. Yeah. Can you describe what it was like?

[Dr. Phil]

Sound effect, red band. Go ahead.

[Aiden Kosoy]

Like that?

[Eunice Martinez]

Kind of like that. When it hit the toilet, I was

[Dr. Phil]

just like, oh, wait, the baby went in the. For real?

[Eunice Martinez]

We don't talk about women's health.

[Dr. Phil]

You're right. No, let's talk about it.

[Eunice Martinez]

Yeah, let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think. What do you think caused it? How does this happen? I mean, you. You're a Mexican woman, right?

[Eunice Martinez]

This is like a lot of things. I'm mixed. I'm a Cameroonian, Puerto Rican, all this other stuff. That's probably why I got confused.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Dr. Phil]

Well, the body's a tricky. A tricky instrument. Right. Were you doing anything you weren't, you know, consuming stuff you should. Shouldn't. Well, pregnant. Were you?

[Eunice Martinez]

Nah.

[Dr. Phil]

Keeping it clean now. Are you gonna run it back? Are you trying to find. You said you're recovering. Are you trying to find a new. New way to get a new baby?

[Eunice Martinez]

I mean, I was hoping to have my first Las Vegas lady kiss, because I've never had that, but I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, no. All right.

[Casey Rocket]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she goes. Eunice Martinez.

[Harland Williams]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a. Here's a. Here's A little joke book. It's actually the size of your baby back in February.

[Uncle Laser]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, we're so tough. Las Vegas, the home of the Raiders. Oh, we're so tough. Oh, we're groaning. Oh. I can literally tell which women have had a miscarriage in this room right now by the looks on the faces. No one has a. If you think you have better poker faces here in Las Vegas. Oh, there's a very angry one. The Lady Gaga standing double middle fingers on that one. Wow. I can literally tell. Who's that? A miscarriage. This is an incredible moment in this show's history. It's a raw comedy show, people. Anything can happen. Wow. She was terrible. I mean, just nothing, mate. I came up with everybody, myself. Milk lunch. That baby hit the eject button on purpose. That was one of the. We call that early onset suicide. That's what that was. Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

That is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I got good news for you, though. Full recovery coming as I present to you, literally, one of the biggest superstars in the show's history. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great, the powerful Cam Patterson.

[Brian Redban]

Hell yeah. Hey, listen, listen, listen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Listen, listen.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, hey, what's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me talk.

[Brian Redban]

Wait, I gotta talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you. And I love y', all, too. Hell yeah. I gotta talk now. Why you not clapping? Clap. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, now I gotta talk.

[Cam Patterson]

Listen, that last bitch was terrible. She was horrible. She was very bad, but she had

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a fat ass, right?

[Cam Patterson]

So at least give her that one, dog. Y' all know I talk about cities everywhere I go to. I talk about cities everywhere I go. And I like Vegas. I do like it a lot, but it's fucking terrible. You know that, right? It's a terrible. Listen, Vegas is like, if you took a piece of shit and put diamonds on it, it's still a piece of shit, though, dog.

[Brian Redban]

You understand what I'm saying?

[Cam Patterson]

Y' all in the middle of a fucking desert, dawg. It's turned. I'm gonna tell y' all this. I changed my outfit for the night. I changed my outfit. I usually wear a white T shirt, but today my shirt said, I'm just here to glorify God. And my hat says, all deaf to all white women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So

[Cam Patterson]

that's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold up.

[Cam Patterson]

I got one more thing. I used to be a scammer for a long time before I started doing standup comedy. And one time I scammed this one dude, and he supposed to give me Some money back. All I needed was his first and last name, his Social Security number, and. And I put 25,000 in his bank account and he gave me everything I needed. But he never gave me half the money. And I was really mad for a minute, but then I remembered that I had his first last name and his fucking Social Security number.

[Uncle Laser]

So I called him.

[Cam Patterson]

I was like, hey, I want to tell you something, brother. I hope you enjoy the army. Cause you're going

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

camp.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank God so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson.

[Brian Redban]

What's up,

[Harland Williams]

man?

[Cam Patterson]

I've been waiting by this before for a long ass time, boy. God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, Harley? My hat fail.

[Uncle Laser]

Don't worry about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm surprised you didn't jump out early like the last lady's baby did.

[Cam Patterson]

Wait, she had a miscarriage?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I ain't.

[Cam Patterson]

I. I looked at that ass. Boy that thick as.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, the good news is a girl like that, you can come inside of her and then the baby's never gonna come out all the way.

[Harland Williams]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That's crazy. Good abortions are costly. They cost a lot of money, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, she takes care of it. Her body takes care.

[Cam Patterson]

That's pretty cool. What the you got to say, Harley, you look kind of crazy.

[Keaton McAdams]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

What you got?

[Harland Williams]

I like your shirt, man. Do you.

[Brian Redban]

Are you.

[Harland Williams]

Are you a man of God?

[Casey Rocket]

I love God.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Give me a potato.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that body.

[Harland Williams]

Love that for you.

[Cam Patterson]

Yes, sir.

[Brian Redban]

Locked in.

[Cam Patterson]

That's good. You don't like God.

[Dr. Phil]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, man. Don't be a. A guy.

[Cam Patterson]

There, you got it.

[Brian Redban]

Do it again.

[Harland Williams]

Go ahead.

[Dr. Phil]

Go.

[Brian Redban]

You ready?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't be a. Yeah.

[Todd Royce]

Now.

[Dr. Phil]

When you cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. What You.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, keep going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What are you going to do, steal my wallet? You.

[Brian Redban]

No, no, no, no. You almost got me. You almost got me.

[Uncle Laser]

Tony.

[Brian Redban]

No, I'm not doing that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you gonna do, write a rap song? You.

[Brian Redban]

Tony, stop it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you gonna play the keyboard in my band? You.

[Brian Redban]

I created a monster. We created a monster.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is fun.

[Brian Redban]

We created a monster. Isn't that good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is fun.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm sorry. One black guy in the crowd. I apologize. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Phil]

Hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

Good.

[Dr. Phil]

How did you see him so quick?

[Cam Patterson]

He smiled.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[David Jolly]

You know what I'm saying?

[Brian Redban]

We outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like his.

[David Jolly]

He's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's one of the good.

[Brian Redban]

No,

[Dr. Phil]

this up, man.

[Cam Patterson]

This good.

[Dr. Phil]

Wait, Cam. You said Vegas is a piece of. But there's got to be something you love about it, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, the horse the horse is cool.

[Dr. Phil]

Blue. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Everybody talked about the horse.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Y' all got whores.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Every place got.

[Dr. Phil]

Every place got sucks. I talk about that in my book. Yeah, I read.

[Cam Patterson]

I read your book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I read it.

[Dr. Phil]

Thank you so much.

[Cam Patterson]

I read an audiobook.

[Dr. Phil]

It was good.

[Cam Patterson]

I like.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Chapter 15. Every place has slush.

[David Jolly]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Every place got whores, Man, I love a good. Don't you love a good Dr. Phil?

[Dr. Phil]

Why not?

[Cam Patterson]

Come on, man.

[Dr. Phil]

It's Wednesday somewhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talk to me.

[William Montgomery]

Good.

[David Jolly]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is Wednesday, isn't it? It is.

[Cam Patterson]

That's crazy.

[Todd Royce]

Vegas.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, Vegas Wednesday feels like a. A Nebraska. Friday,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony. I think this is our first Wednesday kill Tony ever. Wow. One for the history books, ladies and gentlemen. Now, we did. We did them in Dublin, Ireland, I do believe. Yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Wrong as red, man. God damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We did Dublin and then Manchester and then two in London.

[Cam Patterson]

You was loud and wrong, too.

[Uncle Laser]

That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Cam Patterson]

He was just loud and wrong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Loud and wrong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, he can be a real sloppy.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, actually, go ahead.

[Uncle Laser]

Go.

[Brian Redban]

Go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's a real fat. What the is he talking about? Oh, I love it, Cam. Is there anything else fun you have planned for Las Vegas, Nevada?

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no, I'm probably gonna win them with a four dollar whore y' all

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with, you know what I'm saying?

[Cam Patterson]

But, like, I'm actually right. After this, I'm gonna go put 500 on black and see what happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

So we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Now, is it racist if I put it on red? And I'm with you. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, 100%.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay, 100%. Asking for a friend.

[Harland Williams]

This is just a suggestion, but try putting 900 on Paulie Shore's blue underpants.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, say this. I didn't watch that part. It was pretty gay, so I ain't watch it. He walked out. I'm not doing this today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harland Williams]

Did you like Paulie's blue underpants?

[Cam Patterson]

No, I didn't really see it. I seen it from the back. I'm not going to watch that part.

[Harland Williams]

You going to see them later or what do you think?

[Cam Patterson]

No, I don't think so.

[Harland Williams]

Why not?

[Cam Patterson]

I don't want to. Why? What's up with you underpants now? You love underpants.

[Harland Williams]

What's up?

[Brian Redban]

Reason?

[Harland Williams]

I just.

[Cam Patterson]

You like underpants a lot.

[Harland Williams]

I thought maybe me and you could go hang out with. Let's go. Me and you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Coconut, coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut pie Coconut, coconut, coconut Had a stroke.

[Dr. Phil]

What? The closest I Ever felt to being in a black guy band.

[Brian Redban]

And you a real.

[Dr. Phil]

There you go. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're my friend, too. We're acting.

[Harland Williams]

We were this close to Seals having sex, man. That was.

[Brian Redban]

What are you talking about right now, man.

[Harland Williams]

Come on, let's go see Paulie's underpants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm not going over with you. Harlot.

[Harland Williams]

You like blueberries?

[Ari Matti]

No.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, I'm allergic. I'm allergic to blueberries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What can I say? Cam Patterson, you've done it again. You're a superstar. The world loves you. The world loves them. How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson? My goodness, goodness. One of the longest episodes in the show's history. Las Vegas. I gotta give you credit. You guys are fucking troopers. It's been a wild ride. A lot of you have been here for about four hours. If you were here during audience load in. And there's only one way to end a show like this. There's only one possible option. I present to you hall of Famer Rec. Record holder for all time interviews, all time appearances. Some people call him the Vagrant of Las Vegas. The Reno. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. How's it going?

[Brian Redban]

Las vegas, nevada.

[William Montgomery]

I've actually. I've got some huge news. I got a job at the new crypto mining facility that they built in Memphis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Excuse me.

[William Montgomery]

I'm already suffering from silicon lung. Weirdly enough, P. Diddy's cellmate is the crypto crook. Sand bakeman freed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, Bitcoin?

[William Montgomery]

More like buttcoin. P. Diddy is refusing to eat in prison because he says he'll get poisoned. And I gotta tell y', all, I think he's right. Says, when did Kevin Hart start working in the prison?

[David Jolly]

Kids,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

quick housekeeping note.

[William Montgomery]

I'm starting a cult. If interested, please see me after the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remember the book?

[William Montgomery]

Curious George and his friend, the man

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with the Yellow Hat?

[William Montgomery]

Do y' all know what that guy's real name is?

[Brian Redban]

Red Band. He's a total weirdo.

[William Montgomery]

He's got a fucking maki for a friend.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, well, that's my time.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen.

[Todd Royce]

Got my.

[Brian Redban]

Was falling off during my set the whole time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, my bosoms are showing. They are. This is absolutely incredible. I mean, wow. You look stunning tonight, William.

[Harland Williams]

Holy it. That's. It's Tina turnoff off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is. I'm also getting word from the sponsors that bitcoin, more like buttcoin, is the new Doritos joke of the day.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, I thought that was Going to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

go a little better. I thought they were all going to

[William Montgomery]

go a little better, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But Doritos is donating. Your nipples are out.

[Brian Redban]

You have no areola at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. 0 areola.

[Todd Royce]

Look at that.

[Harland Williams]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just a heart.

[William Montgomery]

Well, that's not what your mom said last night. But she was also sucking on my titties last night.

[Brian Redban]

She must have ate them all off

[William Montgomery]

so she can tell they're a light shade of pink. Dumbass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It appears as though Red Band's mother has sucked the pigment off of Williams. Oh, and it felt so good.

[Brian Redban]

Dumbass.

[Dr. Phil]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Dr. Phil]

You know what? Let's cut to a clip. Okay,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

don't have the clip.

[Dr. Phil]

William.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stress. Just let it fall, William. Just let it fall. This is the first time we've seen the stunning chest of William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I'm dressed this way. I'm literally. I think I'm going to move to Vegas. I've always wanted to be. Be a Vegas showgirl. I want to start letting my freak flag fly a little more. I've really been keeping it kind in the closet. I kind of want to bust on out and just start letting my freak fly, fly. And Tony, I think that starts with being maybe a showgirl in Vegas. Maybe at RuPaul's Drag Review. I'm going to talk to RuPaul later on tonight, but yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would your name be?

[Eunice Martinez]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would your Showgirl Name be?

[Todd Royce]

Ms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Delicious. Oh, my goodness gracious. I was thinking miscarriage.

[Harland Williams]

He's like a new Transformer. Optimus Pink. Okay, maybe not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, how does it feel walking around in those shoes?

[William Montgomery]

It feels wonderful. I'm actually a natural at it. I've been doing it for the past week. I got these on Amazon a week ago. And I'm natural at walking around in heels. That's why I think I should do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seriously, I mean, honestly. Honestly, if I. From. From like the knees up. Knees down. Knees down. Williams. Hot. Yeah, the legs are nice.

[Dr. Phil]

Yo, yo, that. I'm talking from the butt crack. Up from the back. You look like a peacock. You look like a peacock having a midlife crisis.

[Brian Redban]

This.

[Dr. Phil]

And I'm here for it.

[William Montgomery]

Cool. We'll say, yeah, a black peacock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or as I call it, a master peacock. Yeah. But for those of you no Limit soldiers fans, yeah, it's fun.

[Harland Williams]

You look like Mrs. Doubtfire fell down some stairs is what you look like.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, I didn't come here here just to get attacked. And me, look, I'm dressed like this. I already lost $5,000 on the slot machines. Earlier.

[Uncle Laser]

No, I'm kidding.

[William Montgomery]

That was a lie. I lost 500, though, so I'm already in the hole, so see if I can take myself out of it tonight. And also, I'm looking for a ride. If anybody can give me a ride to White Castle, I have to.

[Cam Patterson]

Who?

[Dr. Phil]

Give William Montgomery a ride.

[William Montgomery]

I gotta get a ride to White Castle tonight. I have to. Maybe that dumbass who's leaving during my set. Maybe that's.

[Dr. Phil]

Let him go. Let him go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. He threw up the number one sign while walking away. A lot of Raiders fans here tonight. I know. Fair weather football fans.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I mean, the Raiders are nothing like Fremont Street.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, y' all know I like Fremont Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Fremont Street?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. Well, you can actually get hookers from there, and I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the wheels are turning, ladies.

[William Montgomery]

I said too much. I've already said too much.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, well, what's your criteria for a hooker?

[William Montgomery]

I need somebody with a Ginny, first and foremost. I gotta have somebody with a Ginny down there because it seems like sometimes if you get with somebody and they don't have a giny, they got that other thing down there. It seems like it can sometimes be a problem. So, Ginny, first and foremost, I need soft hands. I need a butt on her ass. I gotta have a butt on that thing. So a vagina and a butt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So a vagina and a butt are the qualifying things. Soft hands is also in the mix.

[Dr. Phil]

So I could get you the bottom half of a mannequin from Banana Repose Public.

[Todd Royce]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Dr. Phil]

Touche.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you so much.

[Dr. Phil]

You got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, William, what else is going on? You have a sweet little belly jiggling. When you laugh. When you laugh.

[Dr. Phil]

Look at your feathers bounce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I know. You can see the.

[William Montgomery]

My belly button in the middle part. That is, I think, how they made it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They really do. They flock together.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, look out, jiggly tits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Todd. Red baby.

[William Montgomery]

Why are you looking at me like this? Your gut looks like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, can you stand on one heel like. Can you. Can you stand on one like a peacock?

[Harland Williams]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[Dr. Phil]

Can you click your shoes together? There's no place like Gnome. There's no place like Gnome. Because you look like a. No. Okay, let's move on.

[Uncle Laser]

No.

[William Montgomery]

I don't know if I could do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, you are absolutely stunning. I've never seen anything quite like this. You look like Pillsbury Pride, boy. You look like the spokesman for white men. For Kamala.

[William Montgomery]

Damn right. Four more years, baby.

[Brian Redban]

Four more years.

[Jack Shaw]

I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Boy, heel turn. A heel turn. From one of the most beloved characters in the show's history, William. Anything else that we should know about? Are you gonna be doing this more often? Are you going?

[William Montgomery]

Tony, it's so weird. I mean, again, I'm a natural talk, you know, talking, walking in these large shoes. So I think there's probably a good

[Brian Redban]

chance I never got a tanto.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Tits out, jokes out. What a masterpiece. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The hall of famer has done it again.

[Harland Williams]

What in the name of heaven?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. Huh?

[Harland Williams]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about how long can this place get for Dr. Phil? He's going to be in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotel Theater, January 11th. Tickets for his entire tour. AdamRay comedy dot com. And one more time for the great Harlan Williams. Ladies and gentlemen, the Harlan Highway. One of the best podcasts out there. I'm gonna be doing it soon. I'm also doing Adam's podcast soon. We're gonna be having a lot of fun. I love you two guys. Two legends of the Kill Tony universe. So fun to have you guys here in Las Vegas. Did you guys have fun tonight? Thank you to everyone. Ari, Matty, Jack, Shaw, David, Jolly, Jared, Nathan, Todd Royce, Uncle Laser, Casey. Rocket on skim camp Patterson, William Montgomery, Red again.

[Brian Redban]

Thank you, Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The jo is in. It is absolutely incredible. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Yeah, let's get one. Love you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Sam. Sa. Sam.