#759 - STEVE RENNAZZISI + JOE LIST

Summary

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Kill Tony #759 – Steve Rannazzisi & Joe List

Date: March 10, 2026
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Guests: Steve Rannazzisi, Joe List
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe (with Brian Redban and the Kill Tony band)

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode of Kill Tony, the world’s most popular live stand-up podcast, delivers the signature blend of raw, improvised comedy, unpredictable interviews, and genuine insight into the grind of aspiring and established comics. Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban host a night featuring returning and first-time stand-ups drawn from the audience’s infamous “bucket,” with sharp commentary and banter from guests Steve Rannazzisi and Joe List. The episode explores themes of comedic risk, identity, adversity, and the chaotic mess of real life, all through the unfiltered lens of live performance.

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Key Discussion Points & Comedian Highlights

1. Introduction & Guest Intros

[02:39]

• Tony brings out Joe List ("Small Ball" special on YouTube) and Steve Rannazzisi (Comedy Store veteran).
• Quick nostalgia and rapport—Tony jokes about his early relationship with Steve (dog-sitting).
  • Steve (joking): “We thought you fucked our dog too.” (03:03)

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2. Young – Opening Set & Interview

[04:40–09:06, 06:01 Memorable Quote]

• Set: Edgy jokes about her attraction to Arabic men, subversive play on racism and cultural stereotypes.
• Tony, Steve, and Joe riff on Young’s delivery and her ability to “get away with racism.”
  • Tony: “You inject people with pure racism. It’s adorable.” (06:01)
• Young shares career updates, hustling for shows, and playful banter about being broke.
• Name-calling exchange:
  • Young to Joe: “In Chinese, we have a phrase for people who look like you… Means nerdy pervert.” (08:17)
• Young openly roasts the guests for their status.

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3. Rock Turner – Set & Name Drama

[09:39–17:18]

• Set: Stories about seeing his dad’s genitals as a child; the trauma and absurdity of family nudity.
• Interview reveals he’s 42, married with 4 kids, wedding photographer.
• Discussion about the unfortunate name overlap with infamous rapist Brock Turner.
  • Steve: “Isn’t Brock Turner a famous rapist?” (15:31)
  • Tony: “What are the odds that Brock Turner, Rock Turner, both are rapists?” (15:59)
• Name history: He was born Rock Turner, parents switched to Brad after Rock Hudson’s sexuality was revealed.

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4. Mark Fitman – “Halftime Divorce,” Age, and Near Death

[18:03–25:11]

• Set: Oscar season, GPS/racism joke, grandpa’s racially inappropriate cat name.
• 59 years old, divorced and remarried the same woman.
  • Mark: “You end up, you know, figuring some things out about each other and realizing no one else wants you.” (20:52)
• Survived a pulmonary embolism on Super Bowl Sunday—shares wry stories about family, travel, and ability to “identify hotels by their lotion.”
• Steve and Joe are drawn to his calm, dad-like presence and lack of nerves.

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5. Saul Wilson – Deadpan Anti-Comedy

[26:23–30:09]

• Set: Awkward, slow-paced, Norm Macdonald-inspired cadence; jokes about brownie points, 21 Pilots, hurricane names, and diseases.
• Interview mainly reveals Saul’s reliance on deadpan anti-joke style, rideshare driving, and affection for Norm Macdonald.
• Tony and guests joke about his general lack of energy and specificity:
  • Steve: “He’s got that zip you were looking for earlier.” (30:26)

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6. Ty Marion – Disabled Comic’s Wild Stories & Dark Humor

[30:51–40:09]

• Set: Dating struggles post-accident, voice-on-the-phone sex joke, necrophilia church bit, Jewish self-deprecation.
• Shares recent accident story: scooter crash led to major surgery, long rehab.
  • Ty: “It's been six months and I got six more months to go.” (32:41)
• Absurd hospital anecdotes including bad EMS, hospital placement, and a nurse named “Papi Chulo.”
• Addressing rumors about previous sets (including one about killing a man), his autism diagnosis, and the toll adversity’s taken on his dating and self-esteem.
• Notable Exchange:
  • Tony: “Are you literally just saying the N-word walking down the street on people or something? Why is so much negative energy coming to you?” (38:19)
  • Ty: “Well, actually ... I do have a literal diagnosis [of autism].” (39:21)

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7. Angel – Culturally Complex Virginity/Identity Bombshell

[40:51–64:09]

• Set: Awkward energy, jokes about being called autistic, Latino pride, parvo-dog misunderstanding, and family N-word misadventures.
• Reveals massive family: 9 siblings (“I have eight sisters as of last year, finally got a brother."). (43:38)
• Pansexual with a history of over 40 male partners but never slept with a woman (“I'm a woman virgin, yes.” 48:50).
• Long, surprisingly open interview about being pansexual, wanting “tender love” from a woman, why he's only been with men/trans, and confusion over gender/sexual labels.
• Demonstrates, physically, how he’d eat vagina for the first time—leads to lively physical comedy and spit-takes from the panel, and audience participation.
• Ends in a historic “Kiss Me” segment: Angel gets his first kiss from a woman, live on stage.
  • Tony: “How do you feel? Are you now positive that you’re gay?”
  • Angel: “I am not gay. I am NOT gay.” (63:44)

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8. Luke Aaron – Wisconsin Cheese & Zookeeper Poem

[64:44–73:29]

• Set: Cheese factory work, adult responsibility, micro-penis, and bestiality punchline.
• Interview: 26, works at a hotel spa, in an on/off controlling relationship.
• Reads an absurd and increasingly raunchy “poem” about zoo animal sexual fantasies.
  • Tony: “How long is this fucking poem?” (70:20)
  • Steve: “The poem is better than the stand up.” (72:00)
• Notable for the extended, Dr. Seuss-style erotic story.

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9. Casey Connor – Army Vet, Hip-Hop in the Shower & Adversity

[74:22–78:51]

• Set: Hip-hop in the shower, unfiltered singing, the awkward cross-section of Black music and sexuality.
• Army veteran, recently moved to Austin, manages a non-alcoholic bar (kava/kratom lounge).
• Life’s rough turns—parents died from addiction and health issues; kicked out of Army for cocaine use, but stays upbeat.

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10. Simply Courtney – Austin Veteran with “Dad Energy”

[79:21–86:17]

• Set: Challenges of Uber driving as a big Black man named Courtney, weed break, parental life, accidental encouragement of the opposing team at his son’s basketball games.
• 13-year Austin comedy vet, first time on Kill Tony.
• Dedicated father, co-parenting after divorce, multiple day jobs, local radio work, and musical explorations.
• Down-to-earth, relatable, and handled by the hosts with genuine respect and warmth.
  • Courtney: “If somebody does good, I like the sport.” (84:40)
  • Tony: "You're getting the blackest joke book that I have here." (86:20)

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11. Regular Set: Dedrick Flynn – “Big Family Energy”

[87:30–97:29]

• Set: The importance of large families, sleeping with six on a king mattress, TV "remote wars" and 'big booty TVs.'
  • Dedrick: "We need big family energy back in the goddamn states." (87:32)
• Banter with Tony on growing up poor, robbing/being robbed, and family nostalgia.
• Playful spree of Black History Month jokes, with details about Boston travels.
• Lively finish from Kill Tony’s current writing MVP.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Tony on Young’s Race Humor: “If I had your delivery and face, I would be so much more racist than I am.” (06:01)
• Angel, in Panic: “I’ve never been with a woman before... I’m a woman virgin, yes.” (48:50)
• Joe List on Mark’s Calm: “You haven’t lived until you sucked vagina.” (52:34)
• Angel’s Confession: “I've actually never been with a woman before.” (48:47) and later, “I want to suck vagina so bad.” (52:40)
• Luke Aaron’s Poem — on bestiality: “If no one at school was going to fuck me. I should get a job. Maybe one of them will suck me.” (70:20)
• Dedrick Flynn on Siblings: “I wish the nigga would come haunt my sister dreams... we’ll jump that nigga.” (88:03)
• Courtney on Parenting: “The fact that she has somebody that loves her just as much as I love her is dope as fuck for me. So I’m good.” (86:04)

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Important Segments (Timestamps)

| Segment | Timeframe | |----------------------------|-------------| | Young’s Set/Interview | 04:40–09:06 | | Rock Turner’s Dick Drama | 09:39–17:18 | | Mark Fitman’s “Halftime Divorce” | 18:03–25:11 | | Saul Wilson Deadpan | 26:23–30:09 | | Ty Marion’s Accident/Hospital Story | 30:51–40:09 | | Angel: Coming Out, Pansexual Confessions, First Kiss | 40:51–64:09 | | Luke Aaron’s Epic Poem | 64:44–73:29 | | Casey Connor’s Army/Life Woes | 74:22–78:51 | | Simply Courtney – Austin OG | 79:21–86:17 | | Dedrick Flynn – Regular Set | 87:30–97:29 |

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Style & Tone

True to Kill Tony’s legacy, the episode’s tone is brash, unfiltered, and honest—rapidly shifting between roast-level mean, heartfelt, and absurd. Tony and the panel maintain a sharp edge of self-deprecation and social commentary, with a particular knack for drawing out unexpected personal stories. The guests (Rannazzisi & List) bring seasoned comic energy, the bucket-pull comics deliver raw, sometimes awkward human drama, and the crowd is actively engaged throughout. Notable for its risk-taking, willingness to push boundaries, and rare glimpse into the lives and hang-ups of both comics and civilians.

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Conclusion

Episode #759 is a showcase of the Kill Tony formula: live chaos, career highs and lows, eccentric characters, truly unpredictable moments (including Angel’s onstage first kiss with a woman), and the organic creation of hilarity from life experience. With seasoned comics Steve Rannazzisi and Joe List contributing to the relentless humor and mentorship, the episode balances roast, life stories, and genuine comic wisdom.

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For listeners who missed the show:

• Expect wild honesty, awkwardness turned to gold, laughter in taboo, and off-the-cuff exchanges you won’t hear anywhere else.
• Watch/listen for the real-life extremes of stand-up and everyday humanity, all distilled by Tony’s quick wit and deranged warmth.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every

[B]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV, Apple, Spotify and anywhere you get podcasts.

[A]

Check out tonyhinchcliffe.com for everything.

[B]

The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe.

[A]

You can also check out shopsquad TV for Death Squad merch hats, mugs, whatever, Shop Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Fred coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony.

[C]

It's CL.

[A]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Big so much for Brian Ratman, ladies and gentlemen. And that's the best damn band in all of the land, everybody. The Kill Tony band. Make some noise for them, huh? You're at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by prize picks Quo, Shopify and Zip Recruiter. How we feeling tonight, people, huh? We're going to watch some comedians try to do comedy tonight. It's going to be a real hoot. Nanny. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, I book two of the funniest people I know in the world. This week, no different. This is a special one down to the nitty gritty. Just two pure, real standup comedians. Two of my favorites, two of the best in the world. Make some noise for Joe List and Steve Ranazizi. Here we go, Joe List. Steve motherfuckin ran as easy

[D]

y.

[A]

We are gonna have some fun tonight, everybody. I'm excited about this one. Joe List has a new special out on YouTube called Small Ball. Welcome back, Joe.

[E]

Thank you. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.

[A]

And one of my favorites since I started. A true Comedy Store comic. I used to dog sit for him. I used to house sit for him. I thought life was never gonna get any better.

[F]

And we thought you fucked our dog too.

[A]

The great Steve Rannazizi is back.

[E]

How are you?

[A]

You guys have done this show before. You know how it works. About 300 insane people have signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. Some of them, some of the most promising talent of the future of the art form of stand up comedy. Some of them are completely crazy. In fact, recently we had a guy who's just a stalker of a female comedian who did a minute just so that he could maybe get to meet her and get closer to her. Anything. Anything can happen. Somehow it remains the number one live podcast in the world. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts their set. And then I conduct an interview. Absolutely anything can happen. And the whole thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? While we go wrangle that first bucket pool of the night. Getting us started with a brand new, new minute. This young lady was discovered here on the show. She spent some of her last money to get on an airplane from Tampa, Florida to come to Austin, Texas, live in an arena on Netflix. She got pulled out of a bucket, won a golden ticket in front of the world. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for the return of young everybody.

[G]

People have been asking what my type is. I'm really into Arabic guys, find them very attractive. I like their thick hair, sharp facial features. Every time I see one on the street, I go up to them, I say, sir, can you please cover your hair and your skin? You make me feel very lustful. I can't help but want to touch you right now. When they don't comply, I throw rocks at them. See, when I'm rich, I'm gonna throw big parties and I'm gonna invite a whole bunch of very attractive Arabic male models. So I'll pay to shit in their mouth. And I'll be really good at it. You know, I just tell them, hey, habibi, habibi, lay down. Open your mouth. This is my gift for you. It's very halal. Let me show you the Asian squad.

[A]

The great young ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back. Young Covering the Arabs today.

[G]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[G]

Gotta hate on one on each episode.

[A]

I know you get away with racism better than anybody I've ever imagined before. If I had your delivery in face, I would be so much more racist than I am. It is tough living out here with this bone structure, but you just slice it in. You're like the nurse that gives you the shot. You don't even know it's over. But you do that with racism. You inject people with pure racism. It's adorable.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

You're welcome. Young, how's it going?

[G]

It's been good. You know, I just did a show with one of my kyotani family. Martin Phillips.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[G]

Yeah. And when I was reading his message, I read from his voice, it's like, thank you. Young.

[A]

Good impression. It's a good impression.

[G]

Yeah. I said, he. He looks like he sounds like RFK if he didn't do coke.

[A]

That's true. That is true. Young, how's life going for you now that you're a little superstar?

[G]

I'm still kind of broke, you know, I need people to come to my shows. Go to my website. I have a show in Austin and San Antonio and New York City. If you're in New York City.

[A]

Ooh, New York City.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Very nice. Great time to go to New York. Nothing better than snow piles and dog shit everywhere. Very exciting, guys. This is your first time seeing Young?

[F]

Yeah, my first time seeing. I like great, great energy.

[G]

Oh, thank you.

[F]

Seems like you want to start a female Epstein island, and I'm down with that for Arab men. I'm cool with that. That seems cool.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

I didn't care for your energy, but you're. You seem like a nice. Seem like a nice person.

[F]

For sure.

[E]

I would have liked a little more zip. Not zip, but.

[A]

Whoa, whoa.

[E]

I meant like, what do you call it? Like.

[G]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I love your stand up, by the way.

[E]

I like. I like yours.

[G]

I love you.

[E]

I was just feeding off of his energy. I like you too. Very much.

[G]

Do you know, like, in Chinese we have a phrase for people who look like you?

[E]

Oh, boy.

[F]

Oh, Jesus. You don't want to hear this.

[E]

I think it's going to be nice.

[C]

What is it?

[A]

Young. Oh. What does that mean?

[G]

Means nerdy pervert.

[F]

I told you, Joe. I knew that wasn't gonna go well.

[E]

That's only half true. I am not a nerd. I just have bad eyesight. I'm very. I don't know how to play chess. I.

[A]

Well.

[F]

Whoa.

[A]

This is amazing. Breaking news.

[F]

You're tough lady. You're like the black widow.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Are you black?

[G]

I was like, who is this in the green?

[F]

Nice. Yeah, that's cool. So that's fair. I said the same thing.

[G]

I told you. Why can't I get on an episode with bigger comedians?

[A]

Oh, right. My God.

[F]

Trust me, we thought the same thing backstage too. We were felt the same way. Yeah. Thank you. I appreciate that.

[A]

Young, you are fearless, adorable, always crushing. Thanks for getting tonight's show started for us, the great Young everybody. And we are off and running. I've been informed that our first bucket pool of the night is behind the curtain. They have indeed been wrangled. We're going to meet this person all together. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool. Rock Turner, everybody. Here we go. Rock Turner.

[H]

Who knows how big their dad's dick is,

[A]

right?

[H]

We should know that kind of information for the ones of us that do. This shit's fucking crazy. My dad hated wearing clothes. And like my dad. I know how big his dad. My dad's dick is. It's seared in my brain. It's right there, right now. Hey, I see you. Unfortunately, he was a nudist because he had a big dick. My dad's dick was so big, it had abs. It had a Netflix account, paid its own bills. It was the only one of us that he was proud of. It's better than mom, though. You imagine your mom, like, leaning over to wake you up for school in the morning. Her left tit grazes your forehead. Honey, time to get up.

[A]

Mom.

[H]

Get your tits out of my face. I'm not six months anymore, Tony.

[A]

Sure. All right.

[E]

I guess.

[A]

I mean, yeah. That's one way to end this set. I wouldn't have known when you were done. Wasn't for that Tony there at the end. Wow, that was a lot trauma. That's what that set was. I think you saw a lot more of your dad's dick than you're letting us on to believe.

[H]

It's pretty big, but I don't know what it looks like hard, so I don't.

[A]

Right. How could you see it when it was in your ass as a little boy? Very hard to tell. Gentle, sweet, young boy ass that you had when you took. That's what we have. Actual audio from your childhood. That's you. That's a young rock Turner. That's when you were just. Pebble Turner. Sweet, sweet boy.

[H]

Glint to my dad's eye.

[A]

How old are you, Rock?

[H]

42.

[A]

42. How long you been doing stand up?

[H]

About two years.

[A]

Two years. What made you want to start at the age of 40?

[H]

I just love making people laugh. The art form. I just wanted to do it. And like, I do photo and video and it's like weddings and stuff like that. And there's a lot of dead time, so I just wanted to do something else that I also love doing and I love comedy, so I figured it was great thing to get into.

[A]

All right. 40.

[H]

Austin.

[A]

Of course, you know you love the city of Austin. Have you always lived here?

[H]

Since 01, so most of my adult life.

[A]

Okay. And you? All right.

[H]

Dad's here again.

[A]

Yeah. Is your dad still alive?

[H]

He is still alive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you still haven't still seen it hard. We have them on the line right now. We're gonna ask them. We're gonna have them measure it out. Rock, is that what you do for a living? You take photo and video at weddings and whatnot?

[H]

Yeah, it's mostly weddings, events, corporate stuff.

[A]

Craziest thing you've ever had to do video and photography for? That's not a wedding.

[H]

I did a dude war shoot once.

[A]

A what?

[H]

Dude war. It's like boudoir, but with dudes.

[A]

Oh. Oh. What does that mean?

[H]

That's actually how I saw my dad's dick.

[A]

Dude war.

[B]

What do you.

[A]

I'm still not getting dude in their.

[F]

Dudes in their underwear. He took pictures of guys with their cops in their underwear?

[A]

Yeah. That's terrible.

[H]

Sexy underwear and stuff? Yeah, it was supposed to be for their wives, but

[A]

our resident homophobe. D madness. Plugging his ears, groaning, making a lot of noises right now. Motherfucker talking about his dick, his dad's dick, everybody's dick. All this shit.

[D]

Gay. This show. Gay as fuck, don't it?

[E]

The gayest goddamn show I ever not

[A]

seen in my life. All right, Rock, what do you do when you're not doing standup and video photography and all that?

[H]

I like to play guitar, sing, smoke weed, play games. Typical dude stuff.

[A]

Dude stuff?

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Do you have a girlfriend?

[H]

I've got a wife. I got kids. What?

[F]

That's a. That's a left turn I didn't see coming. I thought you lived alone.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[E]

The question is, have your kids seen your dick?

[F]

Is it like, is this a family tradition?

[H]

I don't think.

[A]

True. Have they been stuck between a rock and a hard place?

[C]

Maybe.

[H]

Right now?

[A]

How many kids do you have?

[H]

I've got four kids.

[A]

Jesus Christ, Rock. My God, look at you. King Cream Pie over here.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

What's the age range of these four kids?

[H]

So the older two are. Step kids are like 26 and 20. And then the younger ones are 12 and 11.

[A]

Wow. So the ones that came out of your nuts are 12 and 11?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[H]

Boys, girls, one of each.

[A]

Okay. What about the older ones that were in the twenties? What about them? What exactly are you asking? Male or female?

[H]

I'll tell everyone. Except for Red Band.

[A]

There you go. All right. Rock Turner. Interesting stuff, guys. What do we think about rock?

[F]

I like when you talked about your mom's tits. That was great. The visual, I mean. They seemed nice. Yeah, pendulous.

[H]

I mean, you probably have to have some nice tits to get a Nice dick.

[F]

Oh, dude, you lived a horrible life. You lived like an HBO real sex life. Like those people that fuck on camera.

[E]

Am I mistaken? Isn't Brock Turner a famous rapist?

[H]

Yeah.

[F]

What?

[H]

Oh, and it sucked too, because when I first got into comedy, like, literally, I'd search my name and you know, Google's like, oh, did you mean it? Didn't even give a. Did you mean it was just like this is what you meant?

[F]

Brock Turner, the brutal rapist.

[H]

Anybody is trying to find my comedy, they're like, oh, this rapist dude is like Turner versus whatever case.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

What are the odds that Brock Turner, Rock Turner, both are rapists? This is incredible.

[I]

I know.

[H]

50.

[E]

I think the case was exactly 11 years ago. How old did you say your kid was?

[H]

The fucked up part is he changed his name to Alan, so now I'm closer to Brock Turner than he is.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[F]

Kid smart.

[E]

I feel like if you had one minute. This bit is better than the bit you did.

[A]

It is true.

[E]

It's good stuff. Not that the bit wasn't amazing, obviously, it was a killer bit you did,

[A]

but do you have any jokes about how Rock Turner sounds like Brock Turner, a famous rapist?

[H]

Well, so not only that, but this is actually not my given name. My parents named me Rock Turner and then they unnamed me named me Brad instead. So my real name is Brad.

[A]

Why don't you just change your name to Jeffrey Bomber or something like that?

[H]

Well, they named me after Rock Hudson and then they found out he was gay or bisexual.

[F]

Found out. Oh, what a tough day in the Turner family.

[A]

And then I became Brad.

[F]

Oh, he's a what?

[H]

Not in my house. Yeah, see, my dick.

[F]

But we're changing it over here.

[E]

We're changing his name to Elton.

[F]

Yeah,

[A]

well, Rock, you did your very best. I'm sure of that. There's a little joke book for you, buddy. There he goes, Rock Turner. A fun little bucket pool. There we go. Oh, my goodness. Right on cue, our very own Vanna White. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Heidi is here. Everybody makes noise for Heidi, everyone. She has a podcast. Go to heidy regina.com to check it out. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Looks like a new name. Makes some noise for Mark Fitman, everybody. Mark Fitman.

[J]

How you doing, everyone? Nice to be here. It's coming up on Oscar season and, you know, I used to be into it a lot more. Last year I saw the best picture in Nora and the first 20 minutes of that movie is all sex. And, you know, after that I kind of lost the plot and just zipped up and left the theater. I don't think I was be welcome back this year. I'm not really sure. I don't know if it's racist or not, but I programmed my GPS to avoid all Martin Luther King boulevards. Just figure I'll bypass that. I do think racism is getting a little bit better as I get older. It seems a lot better. I mean, I'm getting really good at it. Come from my house, you know, my grandfather had a cat that was named the N word and. Well, let's just end it there.

[A]

I love it. Mark Fitman, welcome. Welcome, sir. How are ya?

[H]

Good.

[J]

Good to see you.

[A]

How long you been doing stand up?

[J]

This is like the sixth mic I've done, basically.

[A]

Wow, look at you. Natural.

[J]

I did some improvisational acting back in the Ninet.

[D]

Nice.

[A]

Can we ask you how old you are?

[J]

I am 59.

[A]

59? You look the same age as Rock Turner. He's 42. Incredible. So what made you want to start stand up nowadays?

[J]

You know, my kids are in college now and I've got a little more time. I travel for a living, so I've been hitting mics as I travel.

[A]

That's awesome. What do you do for a living?

[J]

I work in a consulting business. We basically give, like, CEOs really smart things to say.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Very cool. You've been doing that your whole life?

[J]

No, not all the time. I worked in the car business for a while.

[A]

What were you doing in the car business?

[J]

I was a body and fender man painter.

[A]

Hell yeah. Okay. I love it. And your kids are in college. You still married?

[J]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Nice. How long you been married for?

[J]

I've been married for 22 years. We actually married, divorced for two years, then got remake.

[A]

Oh, let's talk about it. I love that. I knew the second he came out. Here I go, this is gonna be great because, you know, we get a lot of these fucking kids up here and whatnot. Nobody's got a life story. I try to get the best out of the interviews with people. Sometimes when someone comes out here, I can just tell it's gonna be a good interview. And here we go. You may have just answered a lot of people's questions on how to save a marriage. It's getting a divorce.

[J]

Yeah, it works because you end up, you know, figuring some things out about each other and realizing no one else wants you.

[A]

How deep. How deep into your marri. Marriage. That's fantastic. How deep into your marriage did you get the divorce?

[J]

We were about 11 years in.

[A]

I love it. 11 years in. So did you get the divorce and you guys just started banging whatever you wanted, basically. Is that the deal or.

[J]

No, I think the trouble was we couldn't bang anything we wanted.

[A]

What do you mean?

[J]

We couldn't find anybody else.

[A]

Oh, I love that. That's amazing. So what was that. What was it like when you guys, like, rekindled or you already had kids or.

[J]

Yeah, yeah, we had our kids. And, you know, I would go over there to put them down, see them all for the night and try and visit with them, spend time with them. Then I invited them over for Thanksgiving, and then we just started back up.

[A]

I love it. That's amazing. Wow. Steve, what do you think about this, dude?

[F]

So you had a halftime in your marriage, right, that was like. You went back, you studied game film. You're like, I can't fuck anything else. I wonder if she's having sex. And what was the convo like when you guys circled? It Seemed like you just circled the parking lot and you just were like, hey, these are the best spots we can get. Let's just go back together. What was that conversation like? Like, when you were like, are you happy? Or you. How did you feel?

[J]

We were both like, well, we both lost some weight, so it's awesome.

[A]

Love it.

[F]

That's great.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

I. I don't have. I'm just enamored. I want you to be my dad. You're like. You're such a cool customer. You've done six mics. Well, I feel like you have no nerves whatsoever.

[J]

Yeah, I've got a few.

[E]

Oh, okay. Well, you're very. Are you on drugs?

[K]

No.

[F]

Oh, lisinopril, I'm sure. Blood pressure medicine or something, right?

[J]

Yeah, I'm on blood pressure medicine.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Good job, Dr. Ran Azizi.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, man.

[F]

I see rosacea. I know my own. I got it.

[A]

It. I'm on.

[J]

I'm on blood thinners. I almost died on Super Bowl Sunday this past.

[F]

Super Bowl Sunday.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah, I know. That halftime show pissed me off. I know. I take the blame for that, by the way. I don't think I've acknowledged that on this show. That. That is my fault.

[F]

That's the pendulum swinging the other way, Tony.

[A]

No doubt about it.

[J]

That's making up for your mistake.

[A]

What's that?

[J]

Everybody's making up for your mistake.

[A]

Yes, exactly. That guy dancing on telephone poles and whatnot. Amazing. Tell us about your near death experience.

[J]

Well, I have a. It's called a bilateral hemorrhage or blood clots in my lungs.

[A]

I have a bi heart as well. Okay. Yeah.

[J]

Bilateral pulmonary embolism.

[A]

Nice. So what did that feel like?

[J]

Felt like a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. You know, my heart rate went up to, like, 147. And, yeah, it was pretty rough.

[A]

47's bad, right?

[J]

It's pretty bad.

[A]

Well, for you, it's probably.

[F]

That's your resting heart rate.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Jesus Christ. Red band.

[A]

So you was this during the actual Super Bowl?

[J]

It was before.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

So you went to the hospital?

[J]

Yeah, yeah, I went to the urgent care and they said, yeah, I think this EKG looks like shit. You better go to the emergency room.

[A]

I love it. I love it. Mark, what else about your life? Tell us more about you. Any hobbies or any fun facts about you?

[J]

You know, I just do a lot of family stuff. I like old cars and working on those. I don't have any at the moment, but, you know, I think there was some girl selling a Mustang around here somewhere.

[A]

I think I remember that. I love it. So six open mics. What was the improvisational experience that you have?

[J]

So I went through classes at Second City and Improv Olympic and then did a bunch of stuff around there.

[A]

Is that in la?

[J]

In Chicago, right? Yeah.

[A]

Wow. Is that where you live?

[J]

No, I live in Kansas City now, but I used to live in Chicago.

[A]

You ever see the Bean?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

You know about the beans?

[J]

I know about the Bean.

[A]

I still don't believe it's real. What made you move to Kansas City?

[J]

I moved there for work.

[A]

Okay. Very cool. And hell yeah. So what do you do when you're on the road to talk about your. You have a lot of travel experience? Any travel tips for people?

[J]

I developed a special power. Yeah. I can, with my eyes closed, tell you what hotel I'm in just by the lotion.

[I]

Ooh.

[A]

Can you describe this to us?

[J]

I think the Marriott adds some kind of synthetic in there.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, sure.

[E]

Would you be willing to jerk off in front of all of us right now?

[A]

We're all gonna see our dad's dick tonight. I love it. Mark. Kids turned out good.

[J]

Yeah?

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

I got one in ku, one in K state.

[A]

Females.

[J]

Yes.

[F]

Oh, my God, you are a hard female there. Red band.

[J]

Female Asian, red band.

[A]

Mark, you're the man. Come back again. Sign up sometime. You're our first big joke book of the night. Boom. Mark Fitman. How fun. Gonna keep it moving along here as we go to our next bucket poll, everybody. He goes by the name of Saul Wilson. We're gonna meet Saul together one more time for Saul Wilson, everybody.

[K]

How's it going? You know, the modern world is different. You know, brownie points used to mean one thing, but now it means a higher chance of anal. And if you remember, there's a pilot shortage. I'm not sure if it's still going on, but. Begs the question, did anyone ask the band 21 pilots for help? I know there's sound. It's not that complex. I think it could have spared, like, 16 or 16, 17 pilots. I find it strange that we name storms after people. Is that all ex girlfriends of ex boyfriends, just like a meter, all just looking forward to a hurricane? It's like, yeah, fucking you like my brother more. Katrina. Let's see if there's a hurricane coming. But then I realized we even named. And then I realized we even named diseases after people. Like leukemia, named after some black lady somewhere.

[A]

All right. Saul Wilson. Welcome back, Saul. How are you? I remember you. How's life been going, Saul?

[K]

Auto Sabled.

[A]

What?

[K]

Same old, I guess.

[A]

Same old. Okay, tell us about that. What do you do for work, Saul?

[K]

Just anything with my car these days. Okay. To make money.

[A]

Your car?

[E]

You drive?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

You Uber? You Uber? Eats that type of stuff?

[K]

Yeah, like. Yeah, all the above.

[A]

Nice. Anything crazy happen in the back seat of your car lately?

[K]

No. No?

[A]

How about the front seat? Just. How about in the driver's seat? Rock and roll.

[K]

That's a lot of road rage.

[A]

All right. You have road rage?

[K]

Yeah, but, like, I bet some people, like, would have recognized me as the guy that, like, flipped him off in traffic.

[A]

Oh, you're a big flipper offer, huh? Is that your move?

[K]

I feel like that's why I'm here. It's. It's. It's delusional.

[I]

All right, So I never see those people.

[A]

I'm driving way faster than them when I'm passing them.

[J]

Right.

[A]

Okay. Red Ban boy. Can't tell which one's Saul and which one's Red Banner. Nothing coming from anywhere.

[D]

Over.

[A]

I love it. Brownie points, 21 pilots. I barely got anything that you talked about tonight, Saul. What's your writing process like?

[K]

I don't know. And, like, nor McDonald's my biggest inspiration. So just kind of. Kind of his cadence.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

All right.

[I]

Well, yeah.

[K]

Can I do a bit on Norm?

[A]

Can you what? What?

[K]

Like, can I do a bit on Norm MacDonald?

[A]

Can you do a bit of Norm MacDonald?

[K]

Yeah, about him.

[A]

About him. I don't know.

[E]

I'm happy to hear a real joke. Right.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Exactly. Sure.

[F]

Anything funny.

[A]

Do anything.

[K]

Well, you know, they say you're not supposed to say bad things about people that are. Have died, but, you know, Norm MacDonald's my biggest inspiration. And I'm probably not as funny as him, but, you know, at least I could drive myself.

[A]

Saul.

[D]

Shit, man.

[F]

Holy shit, dude.

[A]

Saul, how long have you been doing stand up?

[K]

Not long enough.

[A]

Yeah, name a number or something. Describe better than that, how long you've been doing stand up as far as writing?

[K]

Like. Yeah, like a. Like, two years.

[A]

Okay. How many open mics do you think you go to A week?

[K]

Yeah. Not. Not enough.

[A]

Okay, Saul, you're gone. Get out of here. Goodbye, Saul.

[I]

Thank you so much.

[A]

There he goes. Like I was saying when Mark Finland was up here, sometimes you get someone a little younger, doesn't quite get the interview process of the show. Doesn't have a wealth of life experience to draw from. Answers every question with.

[E]

Not enough great energy, though.

[F]

Unbelievable.

[A]

He's got that zip you were looking for earlier. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? All right, your next bucket pole goes by the name of Ty Marion, everybody. Here comes Ty Marion. Oh, here we go. Ty Marion.

[B]

Since my accident, my dating life has sucked. Last summer, before it happened, man, I was fucking killing it. Like, I was dating one girl who told me she wanted me to talk more during sex. So I did. And then she got mad and broke up with me. And I was like. Like, I kind of think this is your fault, because when you told me you wanted me to talk more during sex, you should have specified that it was to you and not on the phone.

[D]

But you called my dad.

[B]

I'm like, yeah. Cause we're, like, cool, you know? And I feel like you should have known that, especially since your dad and I graduated together. Another girl I dated, she played super hard to get, and when we finally hooked up, it was at a church. She just laid there and kept staring at me real weird, so I had to put coins over her eyes. Luckily, though, she was Asian, so I only had to use pennies. But if you can't tell, I'm a Jew. So when I finished, I had to take them back. Thank you.

[A]

Wow. All right, Ty Marion, welcome. You've been on the show multiple times before. Joe List. What do you think about Ty?

[E]

I think he looks like Rock Turner in disguise.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, True.

[F]

We may have a false bucket pull here.

[E]

I thought it was good. That was funny.

[A]

Ty, you've been on this show before. This is your first time with a walker.

[B]

Yeah. So Literally last time I was on the show, I talked about how I got hit by a car while I was on a lime scooter. And I was like, I was fine and I told you I was gonna limp it off. Two days later, I was on a scooter again. This time no car, just the street. Fucking head first straight into the ground.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Broke my arm in a couple spots, tore my patella tendon completely off. It's been six months and I got six more months to go.

[A]

And you landed head first?

[B]

No, somehow I guess, which, you know, I got a big fucking head somehow with the way I, I hit something and it locked the wheel and turned it so I didn't get like thrown off. I was basically catapulted straight into the ground like this sideways. This arm was completely backwards and the knee was like all up.

[F]

Can we see the video?

[B]

No, unfortunately, didn't have any of the actual incident. I got a shit ton from that shitty ass hospital though.

[A]

You got a what?

[B]

Shit Ton of videos from the shitty hospital that I went to.

[A]

Why do you have video from the hospital?

[B]

It was so bad. I, I, it's the worst experience you can think of. I get put in not even a room. I get in a hall, big ass sign that says, keep this area clear at all times. And I'm like, I gotta, this isn't supposed to be me. I think, you know, like there's something wrong. Like, I mean, I didn't realize.

[A]

Did you talk about this at all in your standup comedy?

[B]

Yeah, I've been back on the road lately. Since the incident. Took about three or four months. That was not supposed to be a pun. Fuck you. Don't laugh. But I've been back on the road.

[A]

Telling us about the hospital visits. So were there doctors visiting you in the hallway that they put you in?

[B]

Okay, so pull the curtain back a little bit. My best friend is one of your producers and was there within 5, 10 minutes of this happening.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

He had to help the, I mean, it starts from the EMS lazy people. He had to help pick me up off the fucking ground because these two EMS people there had no idea how to pick up a 6 to 200 pound guy off the ground with one fucking leg and one arm. And so they finally get me on the thing, the thing after they figured out how to raise it up. And then I get into the ambulance and then they called me and they're at the hospital wondering where I'm at. And I'm still in the fucking back of the ambulance sitting at the where I got up and I'm like, where are y' all at? They're like, we're here. Are you here yet? And I'm like, no, I'm in the same spot in the ems. I'm like, you're at the hospital? Like, yeah, traffic's real bad. And I'm like, how long has it been? Like, 45 minutes. Like, holy fuck. Because, I mean, they started juicing me right away, right? I mean, it was obvious, like, I was fucked up at the moment, right? And then I get to the hospital, besides putting me in the hall, I never got to leave because I had emergency surgery because I almost lost my leg. But, I mean, I make a lot of, like, sarcastic jokes about it, but they're very close to about what was real. Like, I almost didn't get an IV bag. It was like a Capri sun, basically. You know, like, my insurance is so fucking bad. No gown, Joe's Crab Shack, bib nuts all out, you know,

[A]

this is amazing.

[B]

And then for some reason, that fucking hospital. Coldest hospital I've ever been in. You know what I mean? And I'm trying to got shrinkage.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, it sucks in a hospital Gown. That sucks.

[B]

And I don't know about you guys, but I got a scrubs fetish. So when I see these Latinas walking around caked up, I'm like, oh, oh, yeah. You know, the problem is I got one arm, you know? So I'm kind of like, what's up? No sympathy, all my boys census. You're gonna get so much sympathy. Six months, two questions. When. When the. Does that start? What do I gotta do? Is there a form? Am I doing something wrong? Because I'm ready.

[A]

Ready.

[B]

Fell on my knee, not my weenie. You know what I mean? Like, what's up?

[A]

Yeah, what hospital was it here in Austin?

[B]

Seaton. I don't know, this one up here in 38th or something. 39th. Oh, you work there? Is that my nurse.

[D]

Was there is Seton Animal Hospital.

[A]

Yeah. We are getting word that you were taken to an animal hospital. Your insurance is so bad they took you to the vet. I believe they thought you were some kind of orangutan or something like that.

[B]

Makes sense then. Yeah. But no, a. A crazy thing that. Another that that happened is. And this is true, I do talk about it too. Is I honestly felt like I was going to be molested at the hospital because I had the. The nurse that was going to take me to the operating room was a little like 5 foot, 300 pounds, Hispanic dude. His name was Juan on his thing, but he crossed it off and he wrote papi chulo. So first I was like, oh, this might be, like, a pimp kind of thing. No, that's for sure. His Grinder profile name. This. Kept trying to give me sponge bass, and I'm like, dude, I'm not that dirty.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And then they're like, oh, he's. He's gonna give you the anesthesia. I'm like, oh, for sure. I don't want this guy giving me anesthesia.

[L]

I'm.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Trying to fight it and stay awake. I'm like, I think I can walk it off, boys. I think I'm gonna be fine.

[A]

No.

[B]

And then. And then, like, I swear it's probably the anesthesia. I felt like he leaned over right before I passed out, and he was like, the safe word is deductible. I was like, what?

[D]

No. No.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

It's fucking horrible.

[A]

You get declawed.

[B]

What?

[F]

You get declawed.

[B]

Redbent. How are you not on the list?

[A]

I used a fake name.

[B]

No, I figured they would have at least tricked you one time with the pizza and grape soda line, and you'd been the only person.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You'd be the only one to come back from Epstein's island and complain about false advertising.

[A]

Ty is on fire.

[B]

They didn't have any pizza rolls, Hot pockets, bagel bites, nothing.

[A]

Ty. Marion, how long were you in that hospital for?

[B]

About 24 hours.

[A]

24 hours?

[F]

What's that? Adult gears?

[A]

Yeah. I noticed the first time you heard you were on the show, you got robbed and there was. So you murdered somebody or something like that. The second time you were in an accident. The third time you were in an accident. Like, does it seem like your life. Like, you're. You're not doing great at it?

[C]

Like.

[L]

Like, I mean, like, are you literally

[A]

just saying the N word? We're walking down the street and on people or something? Like, why is so much negative energy coming to you? I think because you asked the question. You got to get it out. There you go. He got it out. Took him a little while longer.

[B]

Take a while. Yeah. Your memory is wrong. The first time I was on, I was really fat, and I end up singing songs. Second time I was on, I was a little too stoned off and edible. Third time, I talked about killing the guy. This is the fourth time. I don't like talking about that. That was the last time on. I don't like that set.

[A]

But you would have gotten into a scooter accident.

[B]

Then two days later after that, this happened, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And everybody's like, oh, did you like your. Didn't like your set that much? You just tried to. I'm like, no, it was fine. You know, I feel like I'm maybe taking that extra step, trying to get closer to, you know, golden tickets or whatever, you know, but we'll see what people do.

[A]

That's how it goes. Not handicapped enough for a golden ticket, my friend.

[B]

Well, actually, now that you bring that up, the last time I was on, I mentioned that I was autistic, but according to Dr. Hinchcliffe, I guess I'm not retarded enough.

[A]

It's okay. No, you're doing good.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I literally. I do have a. Like, a literal diagnosis of. It didn't happen until my 30s. So when you go 30 plus years of going, what the fuck is wrong with everybody? And then you find out everybody's thinking the same thing about you. Things a little weird.

[A]

I love it. Ty, do you have. Are you in love with somebody? Do you have a girlfriend?

[L]

No.

[A]

You go. You go on any dates?

[B]

Yeah, I date a little bit here and there. But, I mean, obviously since the last six months. I guess if you didn't hear, it's not going so well.

[A]

Right.

[F]

Your fuck leg's broken, right?

[B]

What?

[F]

Your fuck leg. The one you really give a thrust with.

[B]

It's the one that you do like. You get that rhythm going, you know, it's tough. Little knee slap every once in a while.

[F]

Yep.

[B]

I don't want to give away too much

[A]

bonsai, who makes all the great joke books here, Made one that's. That's covered in hair. And since you're always in a very hairy situation, I figure, who better than you? Time, Marion. There you go, my friend. A fun interview. Ty. Marion. Crushing it in the interview portion, talking about his real life. Take note that when people talk about their real life, it works. It's amazing, right? All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Angel. Everybody, one word name, Angel.

[C]

Hi there, folks. My name's Angel. People on the street approach me and they call me autistic, and I don't think it's very nice. 90% of the people I meet think I'm autistic. The other 10% just don't talk to me. I'm very scared to be here tonight, but I'm very proud to be Latino. How many of you here in the audience? It's Texas. Let me hear it.

[A]

Arriba. Yeah.

[C]

Gracias. I grew up for the longest time not Knowing dogs got bigger than puppies, I thought all dogs naturally died at Parvo. I just didn't know. I grew up with the Latino stepdad and he was great until, you know, occasionally we'll just drop the N bomb at Walmart. Like out of nowhere, like, what's going on? My. Like, you can't be saying that in this Walmart specifically. Where'd you fucking learn that word, dad? He goes at work. Well, you shouldn't be using it unless we're at Home Depot when we got people behind our back. We got the wet backs helping us out in case of a race riot, right? Oh, God, I'm bad at dating guys. Thank God. Let's fucking get this over with.

[D]

Angel.

[A]

Jesus Christ, man. Have you ever done this before?

[C]

I get really anxious when I'm on stage.

[A]

Oh, this is a great job for you. Then

[C]

I thought of it as a way to sort of get me out of my comfort zone. Do the hardest thing possible first and then come back and do something easier like welding or something.

[A]

I think welding might be your calling.

[C]

Thank you, Tony.

[A]

Okay. How long have you been attempting stand up comedy, Angel?

[C]

This is my third and a half year doing stand up comedy.

[A]

Third and a half year. Let's talk about your work ethic.

[C]

Yes, sir.

[A]

When you say three and a half years. What, what, what? How hard are you working?

[C]

So it wasn't until the second and third year I didn't get to do more than like three mics or I wasn't able to do more. Before that, I wasn't able to do more than three mics a week. Second year, 2023, 2024, 2025, I was able to, like, really kick into high gear here at Austin Creek in the cave really opened up their arms to me at their midnight mics and I just kind of was able to go like five, 10 times a week. I did eight mics in one night on a Wednesday. Fucking bomb. Fucking baller.

[A]

Eight times?

[C]

Yeah. That's my record, Tony. It might not be much.

[A]

Wow. What do you do for work, Angel?

[C]

Sir, I used to be a traveling temp, but recently I settled down two weeks ago to be a, like, a technician where I assemble, like, those emergency lights for police vehicles.

[A]

How did you learn how to do that?

[C]

Well, they just need Mexicans with good hands to build lights with LEDs. I'm like, as strong. 60% of the workforce where I work is like, Latinos.

[A]

You 100% Mexican?

[C]

No, sir, I'm Chicano, which means I'm half Mexican, half American. My dad's American. My mom is Mexican as fuck.

[A]

How many siblings do you have?

[C]

Get ready for this. I got nine counting last year.

[A]

Wow. Yep. You're Mexican. Where do you fall in the nine?

[C]

I am the old second oldest of the nine. I have eight sisters, one older.

[H]

Sorry.

[A]

Keep going, keep going.

[C]

I have eight sisters and as of last year I have one brother. Finally, it took only nine siblings until I got a brother and it's. Can I just say that growing up with eight sisters and all the houses was awful because I could never blame a cum sock on anybody. I can now with the one year old or half year old.

[A]

Wait, what does that mean?

[C]

If I had a cum. If there was a cum sock in the hamper, they couldn't blame anyone but me because I'm the only male out of the of the nine siblings.

[A]

But we. You just said half year old. What does that mean?

[C]

Oh, my. My youngest brother, he was just born last year. He's not even a year old.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

But I can blame it on him in a couple years, I guess.

[A]

How old are you, Angel?

[C]

I'm twenty sixer.

[A]

Your mom is still making babies?

[C]

No, my dad is.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

My mom. My mom stopped. My mom stopped four years ago.

[A]

Nice. Her jersey is hanging in the rafters at a chi cheese in somewhere. But your dad found a new baby mama, huh?

[C]

He's had the same one for like the last 10 years and she's just ragged and broken down.

[A]

Wow. How many kids does she have?

[C]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I think 6. I think 6.

[E]

Kids say wow.

[C]

I think 6.

[A]

Wow. Your dad's just banging out.

[C]

He won't stop. Tony.

[A]

My goodness. Okay, angel, what are your hobbies?

[C]

Oh, I like the boulder.

[A]

What?

[C]

I like the boulder climb. Like to rock climb? Okay. Yes, yes, yes. I like to. I like to journal at coffee shops and peep at the fine ladies at the. At the cafe.

[A]

Oh, I bet they love that. I bet they love you just sitting there staring at them.

[C]

Well, typically I'm there at 2am so

[A]

they love it at the coffee shop.

[C]

Yeah, there's a 24 hour coffee shop. Bennu shout out to. Okay, love it there. Just be there two in the morning checking out the babes.

[A]

Wow, the babes that come in for coffee at 2am it's mostly dudes. Okay, guys, what do we think about Angel?

[E]

Gentlemen, I don't know what to think. But I do think a woman can have a cum side like you because the cum comes out and then you wipe it. I'm just saying, like if you get.

[F]

One of. My sister's a whore.

[E]

Yeah.

[F]

She's got all the cum inside of her. That's where the sock is. Came from. Yeah, I get that.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

I don't.

[F]

You could have blamed it on your sister.

[C]

Yeah, I tried so hard every year for the first 16 years before I got kicked out.

[F]

Did any of your sister's friends want to you.

[C]

No, they were all younger than me.

[F]

God, there's eight of them.

[C]

Yeah. But I'm the oldest. The second oldest. The first. The oldest was like a, you know, one of those illegitimate babies from another, maybe mama. And so like, I didn't get to get raised with her. I didn't meet her till Easter when I was like seven.

[A]

You didn't meet her till Easter when I was seven?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[E]

Yeah, my family's different.

[F]

Yeah, a little different.

[E]

Just one.

[F]

Everyone. All my family members pretty much early on I got them all.

[E]

Yeah. I have a sister. I met her day one.

[F]

Yep.

[E]

First day came out, there she was.

[A]

Yep.

[M]

Known her ever since.

[A]

All together.

[F]

The first Easter, the first one we ever had.

[A]

Angel, other than having all these siblings, what do you think is the most Latino thing about you?

[C]

The most Latino thing about me is my work ethic, actually.

[F]

Oh, shit. Good answer, dude.

[C]

Well, here's the thing. Like I'm. I'm privileged. I'm a, you know, born citizen of the United States. But a lot of Latinos who don't come to this country with that, you know, privilege have to work their asses off to barely make minimum wage to break even. They're pretty much working for nothing. That's me. I'm a starving artist. Up until recently, I haven't had a full time job. I've been sort of bumming it for the last four years doing temp jobs at festivals, factories, bodegas, such and such.

[E]

You don't strike me as starving or an artist.

[F]

Yeah,

[E]

Sorry, I'm kidding. Of course I don't.

[A]

Angel, what do you think the Whitestone thing about you is? You claim to be half white. Let's hear the whitest thing about Angel.

[C]

When I spell the. When I spell words like labor, I. I spell it L, A, B, O, U, R. The. The British way.

[A]

Whoa. Okay, now, even though you're not black at all, I'm going to go for it. What do you think the blackest thing about you is, Andrew?

[C]

A low fat white woman.

[A]

Wow, look at that. Brutal honesty.

[E]

Attractive.

[A]

When you say you. Yeah, go ahead.

[C]

But have I ever. Have I ever smitten a white fat woman?

[D]

Before?

[C]

No.

[A]

You've never.

[F]

I think you mean smothered.

[C]

I want to get smothered.

[A]

You've never been with a big white woman?

[C]

No. Can I. Can I be honest to the entire world right now?

[A]

Yes, you can.

[C]

I've actually never been with a woman before.

[A]

Wait, what?

[C]

Yeah. Never.

[A]

You're a virgin, man?

[C]

I'm a woman virgin, yes.

[A]

Are you a man virgin?

[C]

No, I'm not a man virgin.

[A]

Tell us. Tell us about this. Was it an accident?

[C]

It happened too many times for it to be an accident, guys. No.

[A]

Let's talk about it. Angel.

[C]

I didn't know it was pansexual toes in college, but at that point, you know, pansexual means you like all the genders, but the only genders are, like me were the fellas. And so you make do what you got, right, fellas? You make do with what you got.

[A]

No, you make do with what you got. Let's talk about this, Angel.

[C]

Yes, sir.

[A]

So

[E]

you make goo with what you got

[A]

into it. We're into it now with Angel. So when did you realize you were pansexual? And what's. Explain to me the difference, because is that deep dish?

[F]

What is that?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

What does that mean? I don't know what that means.

[A]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Red Pan's pansexual.

[F]

He's pretty pansexual.

[A]

I seen you in a Chicago pizza place, crying, pansexual. So what's the difference between pansexual and bisexual?

[C]

Well, bisexual is just your traditional woman or men. Nothing in between. Pansexual is despite the gender or the genitalia. You love them for the personality and who they are. So whether they're male, female, trans male, trans female, non binary, asexual, such and such.

[A]

Have you been with trans people before?

[C]

I have been with transgender people, yes.

[A]

But everything that you've been with was born originally with a penis?

[C]

Yes. Considered aab, Assigned male at birth.

[A]

Wow. I can't believe someone that knows this many genders signed up for this show. This is amazing. Just goes to show that anyone can sign up. The door is wide open here. We give anybody an option, opportunity. I just learned what a pansexual was today, everybody. All right, so how many different dudes do you think you've been with? Give us a ballpark here.

[C]

Do I have to answer that? I'm really ashamed of that answer.

[A]

Okay, give us a ballpark. That's exactly what we won.

[C]

Solid 40.

[F]

40.

[A]

Wow. All right. Turns out he's gay, everybody. That's Not a pansexual at all, Gay dude. That's not a. You're a gay man, and that's all right.

[C]

I want women, though. I want to meet a woman.

[A]

So what the. Are you gonna. You're just gonna butt a woman?

[F]

I know.

[A]

You're just gonna throw a ball backwards hat on her and hit it from behind. What the. Are you talking about Angel?

[C]

Tony, I really. I really do. I really want the love of a nice woman. To be honest with you guys, what

[A]

makes you want a woman? You've been with over 40 men. What do you think it is that you're missing out on?

[C]

Leave him alone.

[A]

Other than red band. Thank you so much. Oh, you're gonna get. Dude. He said he's in the fat white dudes, basically. Oh, yeah. He's gonna pepper only your pizza, dude. Oh, my. Look at this guy. He's getting in his comfort zone. Look how happy he is. All right, so what do you think it is that a woman has that you want?

[C]

Tender love? You should say in the vagina.

[A]

By the way, tender first is the gayest thing you've admitted on this show.

[D]

That's cool. Suck dick.

[F]

I don't want to suck dick for

[C]

the rest of my life.

[A]

I want to suck vagina. I just want a partner On Angel's top 10 gayest moments. Moments of this interview.

[F]

Yes. Trying to find an equal.

[A]

Somehow I hooked up with 40 dudes is the second gayest thing you've said

[L]

tender.

[E]

But I gotta say, you haven't lived until you sucked vagina.

[A]

Yeah, I want to suck vagina so bad.

[F]

You got that heavy in your mouth, and you're like, this is gonna work.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

[E]

When you said you were ashamed, I thought of the number. I thought it was gonna be higher or lower.

[F]

400. I thought I was.

[E]

Yeah, 40 is, like.

[B]

That's pretty.

[E]

It's okay.

[C]

I've only been having sex since I was 21.

[F]

I thought you Harvey Milk.

[C]

Who's Harvey milk?

[F]

All right, 26.

[E]

So you've been for five years, 40 guys. That's eight guys a year, right?

[C]

On average, yeah. But I mean, statistically.

[F]

Statistically, that's almost one a month.

[C]

Well, there are bouts of, like, more than one a month. There is a solid, like, month where I don't even remember the number.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Wow.

[F]

Blackout month for you. Is that what.

[C]

I was selling cars at a dealership, and I was just so stressed out. I just had to do something to get the stress out.

[F]

Was that your closing deal? You're like, buy this car and I'll suck your car.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Kia, that's great.

[A]

So are you on the gay dating apps? Yes. That's a yes. Let me ask you this.

[C]

Transgender women, though.

[A]

Okay, that's your favorite kind?

[C]

Not favorite kind. I just.

[A]

Oh, go pee again.

[D]

Go back.

[A]

Go pee again. D oh, God. Just back there. D you. D Magnus is going to quit the show. If he comes back here right now, can have the all whole new bass player next week. Oh, my God.

[F]

He's had enough, dude, enough of your nonsense.

[A]

Are you on 40 dudes?

[F]

And he was like, I got to take a piss.

[D]

I got the out of here.

[A]

So, angel, you've been with over 40 dudes. You've been with zero women, but you want to be with a woman. If you were to go on a date with a woman, tell us, what's the first thing you would. Where would you take her? Where would you go?

[C]

Well, first thing is I want to, you know, disarm the situation. I want to take her somewhere public where she knows I'm not a threat.

[A]

It's, like, perfect.

[C]

Like a coffee shop.

[I]

Oh, my.

[A]

Coffee shop. The king of the coffee shop.

[C]

And then. And then.

[A]

Come on. Come on, Indy. We're talking about him trying to hook up with women. You're gonna love this. You're gonna love this. D Put your. Put your. Put your earphones in. D Put them in. We're gonna play some. We're gonna play some straight music for you while we interview Angel. Okay? So you're gonna take her to a coffee shop. Coffee shop, huh?

[C]

And then ideally, we go bouldering, which is rock climbing, Tony.

[A]

Huh?

[C]

And then we. We ended the evening before sunset. We put up the hammock on either Ladybird Lake or at Barton Springs, and we hang out on the hammock together until the sun sets.

[A]

You do that sometimes. You hang a hammock. Wow, you're so.

[C]

Oh, I slept in a hammock for, like, a solid summer.

[A]

Wow. That's not the. Not the most bent your back's ever been.

[C]

No, I loved it.

[A]

I know you do.

[C]

It's all it open until they, like, ripped open in the middle, and I just, like, hit the ground in my ass.

[A]

Oh, yeah, there it is. And all the cum squirts out everywhere.

[F]

Landed on a dick.

[C]

That's funny.

[A]

Wow. Okay, angel, this interview is going on way too long, but there, I have one more. One more unbelievable area to cover here. So let's say you get this lady back to your place, right? You've never been with a Woman before. What's your first move that you make on her if she's like. Let's just say she went. She was like, angel, I want you to do whatever you want to do with me. I'm just gonna let you take over. What do you do the first 15 minutes? Sucker cock. Yeah, you just go there. You're just air sucking.

[F]

Yeah, look. Look for that. That's not there.

[A]

Just air sucking. A. All right. No, go ahead, Angel.

[C]

This is something I believe in the first 15 minutes, she's just dedicated to the tongue. And it's. It just. I'm gonna put my tongue all over the person's body from top to bottom.

[E]

Whoa.

[A]

All right. So much for all that. Make her baker not think you're creepy thing.

[C]

Kisses on the neck, down to the, you know, the chest. Okay, this is down further to the.

[F]

They have pussies, dude. You gotta get down there.

[C]

Yeah, it's just 15 minutes.

[A]

15 minutes. Angel, I'm serious.

[F]

Nobody wants to tongue kiss you for 15 minutes, dude.

[C]

No, I'm tongue kissing them.

[F]

Okay, again. It doesn't matter who's kissing who.

[A]

Wait a second. Are you a nurse at the hospital on 38th Street? Are you? Papi Chulo? We found Papi Chulo. Everybody hold on. Don't you grab that mic. Stand till I tell you to. You son of a. The only person that wants me to kick you off the stage right now is D Madness. So here we go. We're getting to the gold now. So you get down to the vagina, hold the mic down to your hip and face that front. Face the audience. Face them. Stop looking at me like that. Now show us. Now show us how you would eat a vagina his first time doing this. Ladies and gentlemen, Just pretend like it's there in front of you. Pretend like you're. Pretend like she's in that. No, you don't need to use the mic. That's a dick, dude. That's a dick take all.

[I]

Take.

[F]

Holster that.

[A]

Holster that dick. He's still trying to put a dick shape his mouth. Put that away. Let's say you. She's in the hammock, hanging in your bedroom. At that exact height, her is right in front of your face. Show us exactly what you would do. Wait, what?

[L]

Oh, my.

[A]

He's gonna give it raspberries. Whoa. He's so Latino. He's giving it raspberries. Oh, man.

[C]

I didn't mean to spit on you, dude.

[A]

I'm sorry. He accidentally spit on the very tough looking guy in the front row. You got AIDS now. Oh, you got AIDS. Very good.

[F]

Just mouth AIDS, dude. Just mouth AIDS. That's okay.

[A]

Okay. It's just the spit of 40 dudes. Come. Dude, it's not that big of a deal. Don't be a homophobe.

[F]

There's no juice in that, I'll tell you that right now. You clear that.

[A]

What was the action that you. Why would you blow on it like that?

[C]

I was just being kind of like factious with you, cuz I didn't want to like be genuine. And then you make fun of me for that, or they make fun of me for doing something stupid. But if I really was going to go down on a woman, I would really just use a lot of my lip and my tongue.

[A]

Is it Kino hit the spotlight again? Whoa, whoa, wait. No, no, no. Face the crowd again. You're. There you go. Wait, what are you doing?

[C]

I'm getting ready.

[A]

Oh, okay, okay. He's getting ready. I'm getting ready to eat some. Sony, the lips, the teeth, the tip

[F]

of the tongue, the tongue, the tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.

[A]

2, 1. Eating tongue.

[E]

Time.

[A]

Whoa, wait. After 15 minutes of sensual kissing, you're just going turbo.

[F]

I love it, dude.

[C]

Do you know why I can do that? I got the strength in my tongue. Cuz I was a musician for 10 years. I was a tuba player.

[A]

You were a what?

[C]

A tuba player.

[F]

How many tupas you suck?

[A]

Oh my God. The horn players are thinking about retiring now. They're like, God damn it. Why did it have to be a.

[F]

This loser.

[A]

Okay, so you ate her. Then what are you gonna do? Are you gonna. Then what? Make love to her?

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Go to the bathroom and throw up.

[C]

It's about the genuine connection, guys. You have to talk to the person you're with. So I'd ask her, if she wasn't already like, you know, hot and bothered, I would say, what do you want me to do? But if not, I'm just gonna go full insertion.

[F]

Oh, dude.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

She'll be bothered.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. You should get T shirts that says full insertion. You'd sell a million of them.

[A]

Let me ask you this. Does your father, who's made what appears to be about 15 children, does he have any idea that you've been with 40 men or hook up with dudes at all?

[C]

Not at all.

[I]

Wow.

[E]

Come on out, dad.

[C]

Padre, you have a fat Keebler elf in the back.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Angel. Incredible. Have you ever kissed a woman?

[C]

No.

[F]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Well, you know what? Only here on Kiltoni do we appreciate A fan base of some of the greatest females that have ever existed. We have a historical 13, almost 14 year reputation of a segment called Kiss Me where a young lady from the audience or an old lady or if no one else wants to, a gay dude in the crowd can come up and give this man his first kiss from a female. Is there a lady out there? We have the best fans in the world. Is there a woman out there willing to give this very gay man his first kiss from a woman?

[F]

Is there any black man?

[A]

No. Not a single woman wants to kiss a gay guy. Who's.

[C]

This is my dilemma. This is my dilemma.

[A]

Is there somebody over there?

[F]

Yeah, she's kind of raising her hand, but it's okay. You want to down.

[A]

Come on up here, sweetheart. I don't think her boy friend wants her to do it. They seem to be arguing about it. Wow. Here she comes, everybody. A historical moment in the show's history as a gay man is about to kiss his first female of his life. A lot of people are holding in, holding back vomit right now. The. The look in this.

[F]

Got a big dick's. Got a big old big.

[A]

This is Kill Tony where magical moments happen. Angel has been with nothing but men and men that are pretending to be a woman.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Wow. Look at the excitement in her face, everybody. She volunteered for this. This is Angel's first female kiss. You believe in miracles. Oh, Angel. Angel's about to throw up.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

There you go. Unbelievable. Wow. There she goes, back to obscurity.

[E]

She goes, well, he's wearing basketball shorts so we could see what's going to get hard.

[F]

We're going to see it.

[A]

He got softer. He did. Angel, you just kissed a woman for the first time. How do you feel? Are you now positive that you're gay?

[C]

I am not gay.

[F]

Wow.

[C]

I am not gay.

[A]

It's not gay, everybody. Welcome to my world. Angel, you'll be denying it forever. I'll tell you what the set. I don't even fucking remember talking about puppies and parvo and your stepdad. But the interview was unbelievable. There a big joke, but go shove it up your ass. Shove it up your ass. Angel, this is Kill coming. Oh, there's Heidi.

[D]

Woo. Sheesh.

[A]

All right. And obviously anything can happen here. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doing an uninterrupted 660 seconds. He's waited 24 minutes for this moment. It's just been waiting nervous as behind that curtain. No matter what. Make some noise for Luke Aaron, everybody. Here comes Luke.

[I]

How we doing tonight? All right. I'M I'm from Wisconsin and most people don't know much about Wisconsin other than that we have cheese. And believe it or not, I did work at a cheese factory. I was one of the guys that made sure all the Swiss cheese had holes in it. No, just kidding. I wish that was my job. My job was actually making sure those guys stayed hard. Thank you. Speaking of hard. Being an adult is hard. Like as a kid, everything felt like an adventure. And now everything just kind of feels like a responsibility. Like, I get stressed out even just leaving my house. I'm like, am I on time? Did I turn off the oven? Did I pay rent? Phone, wallet, keys. Micro penis. All right, I'm good to go now. But I'm just kidding. It's actually not that small. The last time I had sex, she said that it was perfect size. At least I think that's what she would have said. But I don't speak squirrel. All right, thank you.

[A]

That's all I got an adorable set. Squirrels. Keeping the cheese hard. How you doing, Luke?

[I]

I'm doing good.

[A]

How old are you?

[I]

I'm 26.

[A]

26. How long you been doing stand up?

[I]

I've been doing stand up now for like six or seven months.

[A]

Six or seven months, Nice. Where at?

[I]

I've been doing. I've been. I like kick butt coffee. That was like the first place I ever did it.

[A]

Austin.

[I]

Here in Austin.

[A]

Okay. Kickback coffee. Is that open till 2am?

[I]

No.

[A]

Well, looks like you're not getting your sucked at a coffee shop.

[I]

We'll see.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

Behind it?

[A]

Anything?

[I]

You never know.

[A]

Luke, what do you do for a living?

[I]

I. I work at a spa in a hotel and resort.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you do at the spa?

[I]

I like. I serve people food by the pool and then like pick up their towels and stuff.

[A]

Nice. How long you been on that for?

[I]

I've been doing that since moving here, so I think probably about six months.

[A]

Okay, six months. What were you doing before that?

[I]

Before that, I was. I was in South Carolina after graduating college. I've been on before. We were talking about this. I was selling windows and I worked at a restaurant.

[A]

Okay. All right, all right. Anything changed since the last time you were on the show?

[F]

Well,

[I]

not. Not a ton. I'm.

[E]

I.

[I]

So after I was talking about my girlfriend the last time and we have been on and off, but we are still together.

[A]

Okay.

[I]

Yeah. Yeah, I did it.

[A]

When you say on and off, why. Why are you on and off?

[C]

We.

[I]

We just have. I don't know. I'm bad at Relationships, we just have a lot of, like, disagreements and stuff, but we've been working through it.

[A]

Like, about what? Can you give us an example of a recent disagreement that you have? Just any. Anything will do.

[I]

Anything.

[A]

People will be able to relate.

[I]

I mean, God, it's. It's. I'm like. I don't know. I'm kind of hard to deal with. I. I like to. I want her to do, like, exactly what I want her to do all the time. So I'm kind of. I'm kind of. I'm kind of controlling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm working on it.

[A]

Can you give us an example of exactly what you mean by that?

[I]

I mean her. If she's just, like, on her phone scrolling, or you say, hey, I said your phone. Yeah, well, no, I just build resentment inside until. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's. That's my style. Yeah, that's my style.

[A]

A lot of your dudes agree with you. I don't know.

[F]

Relationship.

[I]

Yeah. Yeah. Enough little things build up until it just boils over, and then you say something stupid.

[A]

Okay. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about?

[I]

I. I wrote a poem

[A]

recently.

[I]

I wrote a poem pretty recently. Probably a few months ago.

[A]

You want to say the poem?

[I]

I brought it.

[A]

Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness.

[I]

All right, all right. Oh, and then I also. Have I also thought of a roast? Tony, has anyone ever told you that you look like Tony Robbins penis?

[A]

Yes.

[I]

All right. Red band. Red band. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Juanita's penis? 2003. Ah, damn. All right, all right, here we go.

[A]

Maybe the poem's better than your rooster.

[I]

Here we go. Here we go. All right. My poem is entitled Sleepless Nights. All right, here we go. Penis, cock, Willie and dong wiener. Peter Johnson and Schlong. Must I keep going and prolong? Has there been a man who's done no wrong? Has there been a man who's done no wrong? You're a loser, you piece of shit. You will never become a surgeon. You will certainly die a virgin. The voices of my bullies rang true. Whatever am I going to do? Whatever am I going to do? I will not die a virgin. I said within my own head. I must take matters into my own hands. I would never tell. I would never tell a soul my plans. If no one at school was going to fuck me. I should get a job. Maybe one of them will suck me.

[A]

How long is this fucking poem?

[I]

All right, all right.

[E]

Double sided.

[F]

Double sided.

[I]

It is double sided. It is double sided.

[A]

Like if Dr. Seuss was a doctor that Ty Marion's hospital.

[I]

Who knows what's gonna happen? Does he lose his virginity? Here we go.

[A]

Oh, here we go. That's the juiced up part of the poem.

[I]

Vagina, pussy, beaver and ham. Ham and. Yeah, sure, I had to rhyme it, you know.

[J]

All right.

[I]

Hey, work with me, work with me, all right?

[E]

I love suck, ham, va. Hey, don't

[I]

make me start this over, all right? I'm about to. All right. Beaver and ham, vajayjay, clitoris, coochie and clam.

[A]

There it is.

[I]

I got a job and the first week went great I laid low, they trusted me. They took the bait. They asked me. They asked me, hey, would you be able to work late? I knew having sex was in my fate I need you to stay late to feed the animals at night. Of course. I said it would be a delight yes, it's true. The job I got is at a zoo once everyone.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. I gotta get you out of here. Is that, like. Is it, like, getting anywhere?

[I]

It's going somewhere.

[A]

This is not a poem, dude. This is a story that rhymes.

[F]

Why did you write?

[L]

Right.

[A]

You're right.

[F]

Why? Why?

[I]

It was. I was. I was trying to make people laugh.

[E]

Yeah, you hear that?

[A]

All right, finish it

[I]

up.

[E]

The poem is better than the stand up.

[A]

It is. It is better than the stand up.

[I]

All right, all right. Once everyone finally left the park, I felt like Noah in his ark. I was hard as a rock and ready to come I knew it was my time to get some I knew I would lose my virginity soon Come on. I knew I would lose my virginity soon it didn't take long till I was fucking a baboon I went to the penguins and got some head I didn't care that one of them was dead Lions and tigers and bears, oh, my. I waited till they were sleeping Then gave them a cream pie the flamingos and ducks in their flock Got ravaged by my throbbing cock I stretched out an ostrich I got coitus from a tortoise I got dirty with the birdies I got funky with the monkeys all the animals in sight they didn't put up much of a fight I wanted to take on more bigger and better I wanted the sexiest animal of them all I thought it would satisfy but now I sit on my bed and cry oh, did I think I was smart But I will never be able to forget that hippo's fart how much

[A]

fucking longer is it?

[H]

That's it.

[I]

That's it.

[C]

Jesus.

[A]

Hey, Bryce.

[E]

I love It.

[F]

Okay, I take it back.

[A]

I love it.

[I]

There's a part two.

[A]

Great. Next time, next time, Next time. Here you go. Here's the smallest joke book I could find.

[F]

Oh, right on Joe's.

[A]

What happened?

[E]

I got hit in the.

[F]

He deflected at the Joe's.

[A]

All right, there he goes. Luke Aaron, everybody.

[F]

We'll kick it out to you later on.

[A]

Dude, I don't know where it is. Stuff your ass, Luke Aaron. Good job, Luke. Poem's too long. Can you imagine him doing that for like five more minutes? Yeah, it was crazy. All right. But the crowd loved it.

[F]

Go to Barnes and Noble. You guys were wrong. You know that, right?

[A]

All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Casey Connor. Everybody make some noise for Casey Connor.

[M]

How's it going, Austin? It has become problematic for me to take showers alone again recently, and that is because I listen to hip hop in the shower and I do not censor myself when Wu Tang comes on. Thank you. But recently, Kanye was on my speaker. I was washing my armpits, and I kind of just felt a little strange when I was listening to Kanye, so I had to skip the song. I'm sure you guys know which song it was. But after I skipped that song, Puff Daddy and the family came on and it was Fitting to Get Loose. And I don't know if you guys know this, but the first like 20 to 30 seconds of that song is Puff Daddy just breathing heavy like,

[D]

and

[M]

I'm washing my asshole. And Fitting to Get Loose is on. And I just prayed that I was the only one in there. But I realized it's very easy to become racist and gay by listening to hip hop.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Casey Connor. Welcome, welcome. Casey, have you been on this show before?

[M]

I have not.

[A]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand up?

[M]

Seven years.

[A]

Okay, sweet. Where at?

[M]

Miami, Florida.

[A]

Where? Miami. Nice. Okay, tell us about your life, Casey.

[M]

Army veteran. I just moved to Austin about three weeks ago. I came here to do this to. To get better and perform and like, Austin is the city to improve.

[A]

Hell yeah. Have you been doing a lot of the mics and whatnot?

[M]

I have not. I just got hired as a manager at a place. It's a non alcoholic bar called Tulum Botanicals.

[A]

A non alcoholic bar?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

So is there. Is there business there?

[M]

Yeah, surprisingly. It's. It's all plant based. It's kava kratom. Texas is. Yeah, somebody knows it.

[A]

Wow. Okay, so people are kind of getting like doped up, but not on alcohol.

[M]

Right, right, right.

[A]

Do they tip well, there.

[M]

Not that I've seen. I've only worked two days so far.

[A]

Right. Okay. What branch did you serve in the army?

[M]

I was a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne out of Fort Bragg, North Carolina.

[A]

Nice. So you. Did you jump out of a lot of planes?

[M]

I had about 25, 26 jumps before I got kicked out.

[A]

Wow. That's about half as many dudes as Angels hooked up with. Why did they kick you out?

[M]

Cocaine.

[A]

Wow.

[M]

I'm from Florida.

[A]

Right, exactly. Do you still do cocaine?

[M]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah. Not tonight. How often do you think you do cocaine?

[M]

A couple times a month.

[A]

All right, what usually sets it off? What makes you. Do you, like, wake up kind of itching for it or is it when things are rough or when you're having a great day?

[M]

Purely recreational. Just for fun. Like, if I want to go out on the weekend, I'm like, we're going out. Let's get a bag.

[A]

Have you gotten a bag since coming to Austin, Texas?

[M]

Say again?

[A]

Have you gotten a bag since coming to Austin, Texas?

[M]

I got a bump from a guy at the 456 Bar who has a picture with you.

[A]

Four, five, six bar. Four, five, six.

[M]

It's a. Yeah, east off.

[A]

It's that cool. Little, like, Irish pub type.

[M]

Yeah, it's got a bunch of dead animals on the inside.

[A]

Yep, yep. Well, every bar has dead animals. Oh, they all do here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're not in Miami.

[M]

It's a lot like the Florida Keys where I grew up.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

Okay, Casey, craziest thing about your life that's ever happened to you.

[M]

I don't know if it's crazy anymore, and everybody always says it, but my parents are dead.

[A]

Ooh. How did your parents die?

[M]

My mom is a Miami girl, and she died from drinking and drug use.

[A]

And just awesome. How about dad?

[M]

Dad survived Vietnam being in the cocaine cowboys. Drug use, drinking, and had a stroke.

[A]

A mom wins this battle.

[M]

Yeah, she does. She does. Mom died sooner.

[A]

I love it. All right, Casey. Well, yes. Keep writing and performing and get around. Do it. Get out there. Casey, Connor. We're going to keep it moving with our final bucket pool of. Of the night. Everybody, we are coming around the corner. This looks like a brand new name. Let's see what happens here. Put your hands together for Simply Courtney, everybody. It's Simply Courtney.

[L]

Oh, man. Y' all know how hard it is to drive Uber when you're a big black dude named Courtney? People don't believe it's my car. I had a lady once go, are you sure this is Your car. You know how you hear a joke and you think she's playing, but she's like. And because I'm a comic, I'm all like, nah, we stole this motherfucker together. Let's go. Happy Black History Month, by the way.

[C]

Yeah.

[L]

All right. So anyways, I'm recently taking a tolerance break from weed. I don't hate weed. I just don't like the things that I do when I'm on it. Like, I'll go to my son's basketball game and cheer for the wrong team. I also do stupid things, like forget I'm driving Uber. Have a passenger in the back seat just terrified. I'm like, I'm about to have a roommate. I think that's about it, y'.

[H]

All.

[L]

Thank you.

[A]

A fantastic set from Simply. Courtney. Welcome. Welcome. This is your first time on the show?

[L]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I love it. Where are you? Where are you from?

[L]

I'm from Austin. I'm from Austin, Texas. Let me make a little more noise.

[A]

I love it. Amazing.

[L]

One of the locals in the building, baby.

[A]

I love it. How long you been doing standup?

[L]

13 years, dog.

[A]

13 years. And we're just meeting you now for the first time. Incredible.

[L]

My fault.

[A]

We've been here for half a decade. Why are we just meeting you now, Courtney?

[L]

Hey, you know, I sign up every once in a while on Mondays. I normally hang out with my daughter. I'm teaching her to drive right now, and so that's what I'm normally doing Monday nights. And so I'm skipping. Hanging out with my daughter. Teach her to drive, to hang out with y' all tonight.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

A black man not hanging out with his children. Incredible. Happy Black History Month.

[L]

Oh, you jerk.

[A]

Are your. How old are. How old are your kids?

[L]

My daughter's 17 and my son. You rap for this? 15 years old. Six foot four. He's taller than me.

[H]

Whoa.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. It's your daughter's birthday. Oh, my God.

[L]

Hold on.

[A]

This is red.

[L]

Scared on why? I want. I don't want to answer that, cuz you.

[A]

Yeah, don't answer.

[L]

September 19th. I'm proud of not telling you the year, though. She's illegal. God damn it. Watch out.

[A]

Damn right. Absolutely. What do you do for work, Courtney? Drive Uber.

[L]

Straight up comedy? No, I suck at Uber.

[A]

Nice.

[L]

I'm better at telling jokes than I am at doing Uber. So I make all of my money from comedy and comedy adventures. So run open mic, run a few shows around town, and then I perform.

[A]

Perfect. Hell, yeah. What do you do for fun when you're not doing comedy or raising your kids.

[L]

When I do for fun, I read and then I also. Oh, listen to music right now. That's my big thing. So I'm. Why y' all laughing at that? That ain't funny. Nah, it's funny if you wanna laugh. But no, I listen to music. I'm discovering a lot of oldies right now. I do a little thing at the radio station, 88.7. I know I'm not supposed to shout out everything, but that's why I do Wednesdays and so I'm one of the. What is it?

[A]

I said that's what you people do. You give shout outs. It's true. That's why they're laughing.

[L]

Shout out to my mom. But no, I'm listening to new music right now. So I'm going back. I'm listening to Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson's off the Wall album. And then I'm also listening to Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson's off the Wall album. And oh, Prince Purple. Not the Purple Rain album though, but it's another one. So there's another album. I'm going through all of these new ones right now.

[A]

Oh, you noticed that noise?

[L]

I'm light skinned, Tony, so I noticed it. Okay.

[D]

That's.

[A]

That's right.

[L]

I'm tall and I'm light skinned and black. So I actually do change the smoke, detect the second beat.

[A]

Okay, you're tall enough to where you could just do it. You could just reach up and part that part.

[L]

That part.

[A]

I love it. Are you still with the baby mama of your seven?

[L]

No, we're divorced. We're divorced.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

But we are friendly enough that I'm actually staying there tonight.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[L]

Yeah, I take the kids to school on Tuesdays, Thursday mornings. And so sometimes instead of me having to come in early in the morning, I just come in after I do comedy or whatever. I'm doing late night night.

[A]

Awesome.

[L]

Yeah. So we are amicable.

[A]

Hell yeah. You're what?

[L]

Amicable. We're amicable. Yeah. Me, we're nice. We're civil. Is that the wrong word?

[A]

Yeah, it's the wrong word.

[L]

No, it's not.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[L]

Time out.

[E]

Time out.

[L]

What word? What word should I have said then? Give me it.

[F]

Amicable.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

I mispronounced the word.

[A]

Okay, that's what.

[L]

Wait, time out. Did you know what I meant though?

[F]

Yeah, we good.

[L]

Okay then we good then I'm cool. I'm cool with it. That's. People be like, oh, what if I was like, do you know what I Meant, though. Okay. You know there's not a girl in the car. I didn't steal the car. Right. Got you. It was a joke. Little context. We good? I'm messing with you, white man. You good.

[F]

Thank you.

[E]

I am.

[L]

Hey, I just looked at his watch. Hard as shit right now by accident. I'm not trying to steal your watch. But it is nice, though.

[F]

Oh, thank you.

[L]

You need an Uber driver later?

[A]

No, I'm all right.

[F]

I'm all right.

[H]

I'll walk home.

[L]

Thank you. Okay, I'll move in.

[E]

He's staying in San Antonio and he's walking because he's terrified.

[L]

Oh, you staying in San Antonio?

[E]

Sure, yeah.

[F]

Wherever you think I'm staying is where I'm staying.

[L]

I can give you a ride, you know, when you're trying to go, I'm going to San Marcos. I'm only halfway there.

[F]

I've done that too, though, by the way. You talked about rooting for the wrong team for your kids. Basketball. Yeah, I get high too. And I go, and I go, that's a nice play by the other team. And people get upset with me. But that, you know, I'm.

[L]

Listen, I'm one of those, if somebody does good, I like the sport.

[F]

That's what I do, too.

[L]

And I'll be like, good play. And we'll be down by 40 and I'll be like, you got a good play. Everybody all looking at me like, why would you say that? I'm like, what the fuck did I say? Oh, my bad.

[E]

Down by 40.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Jesus.

[L]

It happens that my son's a freshman on varsity and they're. They're figuring it out. He was like one of two freshmen on varsity and they got their butts handed to him. But guess what? We're going to be better next year and the year after that and the year after that. So we chill.

[A]

All right. Love it.

[L]

I'm cheering. I'm the black dad. That's cheering. I'm cheering. God damn it. We lose it if we lose about 40. I'm still cheering.

[F]

So we go to the other team.

[L]

I'm cheering for everybody at this point. Yeah, other team. My team.

[A]

You have a 17 year old daughter. Is she brought any dates back? Is she introduced to any young boyfriends she's dating currently?

[L]

She just had a date for Valentine's Day. It just happened. And so he's chill. He's a cool dude.

[A]

Blackhead.

[L]

Black. Black. Blacker than me. Black is almost as black as this.

[A]

How does that make you feel when she brings home someone blacker? Than you on. On it. Honestly. Trying to do honest dance. Honesty.

[L]

I hate that this is getting recorded too. I'm like, I can't even lie just a little. I don't feel any type of way because her mom is currently dating a guy that's the same color, so I feel like they're dating a dude that's the same hue. I meant to say hue, not color. Now you in my head now. It's amicable. Okay.

[J]

Damn it.

[L]

I tried amicable. All right. Okay. Decent.

[I]

Oh,

[L]

but no, I don't feel any type of way about it, though. I don't feel any type of way out. I think it's dope. The fact that she has somebody that loves her just as much as I love her is dope as fuck for me. So I'm good.

[A]

Amazing. Listen to this gorgeous. Very impressive set.

[F]

Parenting dude.

[A]

Very impressive interview. You're getting the blackest joke book that I have here. There you go. There goes simply Courtney. Making his Kill Tony debut after 13 years of doing comedy in Austin, he just made it to the biggest show in the city in the industry. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are and we have made it. Unfortunately, William Montgomery's dog broke its arm and and had an eight thousand dollar surgery today. Ari Maddie is stuck in Estonia tonight. However, ladies and gentlemen, we have one other regular that is just unbelievable. Writes a brand new minute every single week. Out of everyone you saw tonight, you have not seen someone that writes a minute every week. And meanwhile, he is so impressive. Make some noise for the one and only Dark storm of Austin, Texas. This is Dedrick Flynn, everybody.

[D]

Oh, man, I hate when you talk to somebody and they say they got siblings and you only find out it's only one or two of them niggas. That's not siblings. This is what's wrong with the country. We need big family energy back in the goddamn states. There's a certain thing you get when you get like, we. I grew up in a townhouse. We only grew up in a two bedroom townhouse. We all slept on one king size mattress, all six of us. Nigga. Wasn't no boogeyman, nigga.

[A]

They

[D]

we'll jump that nigga. You know what I'm saying? We'll jump. I wish the nigga would come haunt my sister dreams, nigga. We'll jump that nigga. It's a different kind of attitude you get. Cause I grew up in the 90s with the big booty TVs. I survived the big booty TV remote wars of the 90s when we used to when you get punched in the face by a nigga that look just like you cause he wanna watch spongebob, you know what I'm saying? Like. And you didn't hit the remote or if you better like me, if you real petty, I'll take the batteries out that motherfucker, you know what I'm talking about? The big booty TVs. You remember the big Booty? The ones that doubled up as furniture. You can put pictures of your family on top of it and have plants grow down the side. You know what I'm talking about? Certain of the big booty TVs. The ones you can slap em on the ass to get em to work right like a good woman. You know what I'm talking about? The big booty TVs. That's my time. I'm gone.

[A]

Yeah. Dedrick Flynn with a minute 36 seconds more work than anybody else tonight. He does it every single week. Amazing stuff, Dedrick. I love the do rag. You must be celebrating Black History Month.

[D]

Yeah, well, I escaped Boston to come here because they got a. They got a blizzard that's coming through there. And the scientists were saying that this only happens every once in a while. And the reason why it was happening is cuz the star storm also came through. That that's what they.

[B]

Because of you.

[D]

Yeah, I do that.

[A]

What was it? A blizzard from Dairy Queen?

[E]

Yes,

[A]

because of the diabetes and whatnot.

[D]

I don't have diabetes, Tony. I just like gold.

[A]

That's right. That's right. I love the do rag. That is incredible.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Absolutely amazing. You look like you and your own auntie.

[D]

We call them Annie is where I'm from. It's Annie. Aunties is that white people shit from the Midwest? Where you from? You like you don't care about an auntie. But nigga Annie, Annie gon be there for you. Annie going to bail you out of jail and not tell your mama. You know what I'm saying? Auntie going to call your mama and go bail her out with you. You need an auntie on your is

[A]

sad hard knock life. Yeah, in Boston.

[F]

Shut the up.

[D]

I'm so mad at you.

[A]

Well, I'm glad you didn't antifreeze in Boston.

[D]

Come on.

[A]

I love the patriotic under jacket that you.

[D]

Yeah, Olympics. I went to Boston. I was sitting with them little cold rednecks. So I got in the hockey cuz them in Boston, their football is hockey. So the. The American team, women's and men's won gold in hockey. Shout out to them oh, yeah.

[A]

USA. USA. USA.

[D]

USA. U.S.A. motherfucker.

[E]

I'm feeling it.

[D]

YouTube. Doing good, man. I'm out of here. You.

[E]

Thank you. I appreciate. I'm not mad at you.

[A]

This is like Spy versus spy. The black and the white.

[D]

You do look like a sleeper agent.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Dedrick, how's life going?

[D]

Fuck it. So goddamn good, man. I'm so fucking tired. I'm traveling all. I get to meet all these cool people. I. I'm really living my dream. And I think that's was beautiful. I just bought Big Buck Hunter from my house. Oh, who want to see me?

[A]

That's awesome, Connor.

[D]

Thank you so much.

[F]

Two guns or one gun?

[D]

Two guns. It's a whole arcade center right there.

[J]

Yeah.

[F]

What a dream.

[D]

Yeah. It's $500 on coal.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Sorry I missed it. What did you buy?

[F]

Buck Hunter, dude.

[E]

Buck Hunter?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. The big arcade game.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

When you're shooting the animals on big Buck Hunter, do you hold the gun sideways?

[D]

Well, yes, Tony, this is Black History Month. It is, but it does. It does actually, like. Cause I watching John Wick, that nigga turn his gun to the side, and then he's like, okay. Black energy. And then I didn't come in there and kill everybody. So I just kind of hold it like that. I watch John Wick, then I go play Big Buck Hunter on mushrooms.

[A]

I love it. It is your month, so, I mean, you will do whatever you want.

[D]

I'm about to be on your ass. You look so swirlable.

[G]

And.

[D]

How dare you.

[F]

What did you say? Swirlable, sir?

[D]

Swirly able. You can get that nigga swirly perfectly, like, by just a line. You know what? It's an adjective. Dumbass.

[F]

Oh, that's not a word.

[A]

I don't think this is very amicable.

[F]

Yeah, I'm not being amicable right now.

[D]

Amicable.

[A]

I loved the jokes tonight, Dedrick. Big family energy. Six kids and a king size. Is that true?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Whoa.

[D]

On the floor.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

Yeah.

[D]

Honestly, I didn't. We didn't know we was poor because everybody else around us was poor.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And then when we got to, like, middle school and our parents wanted to put us in better schools, like, that's when I realized the poor. And that's when I started being bad because I was. I don't like when a doing better than me. I hate. That's why. I hate. With two siblings like you. Like, because the big booty T. The reason why it's important is that there's no rewind on a big booty tv. Like, when you watch that episode. If you miss something like. If you miss like Raw growing up and you got on the bus and you didn't know what happened, versus Stone Cold, you couldn't get no pussy.

[A]

You are correct. My. I had a big booty TV growing up. A lot of people don't know this, but I was raised extremely poor. In fact, recently I was sent a picture from an old school friend of my house, which still stands on Florence Dale Avenue in Youngstown, Ohio. It is one of the only remaining houses in the ghetto of Youngstown. And there are. You were there?

[D]

Yeah, when I went to Youngstown.

[A]

Really?

[D]

The Uber driver was so excited.

[A]

Are you serious?

[D]

I'm dead ass here. And they took me all around Youngstown, nigga, that was the first time I felt like I was in the mafia. Yeah, that shit. Cause one, they were nice to me. And I know they're not nice in Youngstown, Ohio. Nigga, I know they're. It's too cold to have like a good personality.

[A]

Yeah. And I showed someone a picture of my house that didn't know exactly. They don't. You know, not everybody knows the background of Youngstown or whatnot. And. And there. It's the only house still standing anywhere near it. So I showed someone the picture and they're like, wow, look at all the land that you had. But what they don't realize is that there's a graveyard of driveways that just go to nothing because every house was arsoned out or burned down. What the was my point. Oh, I had a big booty tv.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

As well.

[D]

Big ass tv.

[A]

And we. Our house would get robbed about once. Once a year, once every two years. And of course they would have to take a bunch of dumb, like an Atari station. One time they took a vcr, just a straight up vcr, which would be worth, I guess, negative money nowadays. It was.

[D]

Nah, it was. It was 250 back in the day. And if I do the math, they took everything from you. Yeah, that's what they did. They just came out.

[J]

Did they take the deep.

[D]

They didn't take the tapes too? What was you watching, Olivia? What was your.

[A]

Well, it's actually funny you mentioned that. My first grade play, I was. I was a star. Do you know about this? Why are you laughing? My first grade Christmas play was in the VCR when they stole it. And I was. I was all head. I had the same size head that I have now. When I was in first grade. The kids used to call me Big Head. It was Big Head. But anyway, and it's very depressing that they stole that because it's some of the funniest video footage. I was a star in the play. When they're like, you're gonna be a star. And I'm like, wow, this is amazing. I'm gonna be a star in the play. But it turns out I was an actual star. Like, I was like a decoration. It was a glittery star with a piece of yarn. Would you have it? Dedrick, was it you that stole it? All right, I was not alive. It was just a Chris. Like a manger. Whatever. The Christmas play. Christmas. The story of Christmas Redb.

[D]

Oh, that was your big moment.

[A]

It was. That's the biggest I ever got. I never. I never found any success after that. But my point is, it's interesting because those TVs back then were basically unstealable. They were like £700 or something insane.

[D]

I don't think they were unstable. I took a lot of them. Tony, I think. I think you just a weak ass kid.

[A]

You should have nothing with your head.

[D]

If you. They just put that on like an African going to the market.

[F]

Balance it.

[A]

You had a dolly? Yeah.

[F]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah, I got. I got two ACLs. I got a twitch fiber muscle in my calf that'll help me pick up a TV and get it up out of there real fast.

[A]

I think we're talking about two different types of TVs.

[D]

I'm talking about the big booty TV. I'm strong as to.

[A]

I was. I was raised in the 80s, not the 90s. I think there was a little upgrade between me and you.

[D]

Yeah, that was the. You had.

[J]

Had to.

[D]

You had to change the TV with

[A]

the pliers and we didn't have a remote. Yeah, we had a dial. What, you had to walk up to the dial. Your mom just lost a remote? No, there was a dial. I remember it. You remember when TVs had dials and the remotes were like.

[F]

They turned it like this. The channel.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Remotes were like a brand new, unbelievable technology.

[F]

Like you pressed a button on the sides. Yeah. It was like a big deal.

[D]

Oh, man, I'm glad I grew up young. This had a laser on, man. Yeah, I know.

[F]

Yeah, I guess.

[D]

Not you, Tony. I'm so sorry for disrespecting you. I've seen you my whole life, so I know. I used to watch you on the Big Booty tv.

[A]

Dedrick, you are the man. Everybody loves you. The world loves you. Go see him live. He's on the Killers of Kill. Tony Tour this episode was brought to you by prize picks Quo, Shopify and Zip Recruiter. How loud can this place get for the great Steve Ran Easy? He's on tour. Check him out. Doing some dates. Steve ran easy.com how about one more time for the great Joe List everybody? He's on Tour. Comedian Joe List.com Small Ball is on YouTube.com Jo List the drawing from Ryan Jones Je Belt is in and that is indeed the great Steve Rannazisi and Joe List. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Joe List oh my goodness. Andrew Joe List how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land Red Band I'll be in San Diego in June at the American Comedy Company. Kill Tony is going to the Intuit Dome in Los Angeles, California in May. If you're anywhere near LA or in the the mood to make a trip to the old relic that used to be one of the best cities in the world, why not visit it and see Kil Tony at the same time? Go to the ocean where it's now filled with little black beads from melted Teslas that exploded in the Pacific Palisades. A little fun fact for you. It turned into black tiny balls that now line the lower Pacific Ocean of the United States. States of America. How about one more time for the Kill Tony band? You can follow them on YouTube and Instagram, follow Heidi Heidy Regina.com Love on the Line and yeah, that's about it. I'm going to the Kennedy. I'm going to do standup at the Kennedy center in Washington D.C. doing some other dates. Tony hinchcliff.com Some other big announcements right around the corner. Live audience we love you. Thank you. Good night everybody. Sa. Making her whiskey.