#640 - STAVROS HALKIAS

Summary

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Kill Tony #640 – STAVROS HALKIAS

Podcast: Kill Tony (DEATHSQUAD.TV)
Date: December 11, 2023
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guest: Stavros Halkias ("Fat Rascal" on Netflix)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features first-time guest Stavros Halkias—a highly requested, crowd-favorite stand-up comic whose new special “Fat Rascal” just dropped on Netflix. Recorded live at Austin’s Comedy Mothership, the episode delivers its signature format: a bucket of aspiring comedians each get 60 seconds of stand-up, followed by uncensored banter, roasts, and interviews with hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, regulars Hans Kim, Cam Patterson, and William Montgomery, and the always-raucous house band. It’s a high-energy night of brutal comedy, deep dives into odd lifestyles, and shameless self-deprecation, with Stavros’s low-key sweetness and sharp wit adding a memorable twist throughout.

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Key Segments, Comics, & Moments

1. Opening & Episode Introduction

Stavros’s Debut and Night’s Stakes

• Tony highlights Stavros’s long-awaited debut: “I book this guest myself…one of the greatest live comedians working today has the newest special out on Netflix right now called Fat Rascal.” (13:38)
• 201 comics have signed up for the bucket, stakes are high with arena shows and regular spots on the line, teased as “a battle of two absolute autistic titans.”
• Tone: irreverent and meta—constant self-mockery and playful attacks among hosts and band (e.g. “Welcome to the gay show, everybody. Here I am…” – Tony, 20:50)

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2. Regular: Hans Kim

Timestamp: 16:24–26:08

• Hans opens with jokes about Matt Rife, ugly people, rich/poor backgrounds, and relationships.
• Explains his “bag of water” innovation: a giant Camelbak above his bed, for easy hydration, leading to hamster/laziness jokes.
  • “[My girlfriend] likes to spend a lot of time with me. … I’m a podcaster by nature, and she’s just taking away all my podcasting time.” (23:57)
  • “You just lay there, and suck on it … it’s like five days of water just hanging above my head.” (24:20)
  • Whole crew riffs on Hans’s self-engineered lifestyle (“This man lives like a hamster…you put wood pellets in your bathroom too?” – Stavros, 21:19)
• Hans’s thriftiness and cheapness mocked: “He wears a lot of free T-shirts that people give him.” (22:43)
• Interview: Asian upbringing vs. American girlfriend, weird home hacks, joke about “protest t-shirt” and the financial crisis.
• Memorable Moment: Hans’s verbal sparring with Tony and Stavros about his “efficiency” and habit of being tracked by Tony via phone location.
• Quote: “You were once one of [the thrifty people], but now I make sure you spend that money.” (22:23)

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3. Bucket Comedians, Crowd Work & Roasts

Spencer Ward (First Bucket Pull)

Timestamp: 26:13–36:04

• 7 months in, from Wisconsin via Milwaukee & Madison, IT background.
• Jokes about Israel/Hamas, pro-life women, rape whistles. Delivery critiqued as “timid rape jokes” (Stavros, 28:12).
• Odd “wood burning” hobby revealed—Tony riffs on his personality and “burning calories.”
• Survived a childhood ATV accident (“woke up in hospital—had to learn to walk again”), which Tony attributes to Spencer’s muted energy: “Now I know why your personality is how it is. … It’s brain damage, everybody.” (33:46)
• Spencer’s plain, earnest vibe repeatedly mocked but with compassion.

Celia Contreras

Timestamp: 37:12–45:04

• Dark jokes about family suicides and racial/ethnic stereotypes.
• Callback to a past big theatre set, family support, and headlining shows.
• Reveals struggles with imposter syndrome, insecurity (“I know I present well, but imposter syndrome, low self-esteem, it’s a whole thing.” 41:33)
• Massive DM attention post-shows; comedically frustrated about not wanting to have sex anymore (“I don’t want to have sex anymore.” 44:28).
• Memorable exchange:
  • “I need to get in shape because I like dudes shaped like you. … It would be a horrible geometry problem if we tried to have sex.” – Celia/Stavros (44:39)

Spencer Boone

Timestamp: 45:59–54:34

• Four years in, from Charlottesville VA. Jokes on mustache stereotypes, racism, “good cop” bit.
• Talks about being a band t-shirt shop worker, artist, wood-burning, and resin crafts.
• Admits childhood trauma/family divorces as a source for holding onto teenage interests (inciting a brief, deep discussion on psychology).
• Celiac disease humor—crapping one’s pants while fumbling house keys.

Jack Horner

Timestamp: 63:05–77:14

• Comic with cerebral palsy who riffs hard on his disability (“I don’t know how to read, man…that’s a roadblock.” 64:58), sex worker stories, and not knowing how to swim.
• Delivers deadpan self-deprecation (“They're just clapping, ‘cause I’m gonna kill myself later, right?” 67:59)
• Gets booked on several future shows for quick improv wit.
• “Do you really get prostitutes?” “Yeah…either way, I’m spending money I shouldn’t.”
• Detailed about daily life, living in government-support housing for “young professionals,” and more.
• Quote: “Is that what you do when the prostitute comes in? You're just already laying there, like, come in?” – Tony (73:55)

Jackson Leon

Timestamp: 78:10–86:35

• Pizza delivery guy, Stand-up for 1 year, jokes about school masturbation rumors and BlueChew pranks.
• Wears a shirt/vest combo 2 sizes too small, leading to an extended, hilarious “button test” with Tony and Stavros:
  • “That looks like a teddy bear’s clothes, dude.” – Stavros (85:44)
  • “You’re not a large anymore, brother.” – Stavros (83:51)

Ali Musa

Timestamp: 86:53–91:05

• Frequent bucket-pull comic (“fifth time”), delivers “gym bathroom graffiti” escalation bit—a meta-runner about hate, cooking, and gym weirdos.
• Is lampooned for his facial features (“You look like if Lord Farquaad fucked Danny Trejo.” 88:26), lean into his role as “melting magician.”
• Discusses sexual exploits with plus-sized women and feeling out of place.

Tyler Gilbert

Timestamp: 91:26–99:48

• Only three weeks into comedy and into Austin, from Idaho.
• Jokes about homeless encounters and life as a bar-back and door guy.
• Tony and Stavros press for “tough guy” credentials, with Tyler awkwardly defending masculinity.
• Admits to pretty standard sexual experiences (“Probably having sex with a woman. Not a couple times. Yeah, about it.” 97:07)
• Anecdote about almost taking a train to Dallas for sex—group ridicules his “down bad” status.

Carly Anderson

Timestamp: 100:20–107:17

• Bisexual/stripper comic: pokes fun at types of vaginas, lesbian dating, and conservative preference within the LGBTQ+ community.
• Explains the challenges of hetero- and homosexual relationships for women ("Female relationships move a little too fast. Like, a month in lesbian is like a year in straight." 103:56)
• Details stripping for a highly autistic client who paid $5K just to talk and help her “put regular people clothes on.”
• After Redban’s request, gives a quick, awkward demonstration of stripper moves.
  • “We gotta get some women up…then Redban's like, maybe shake your tits at us real fast.” – Stavros (107:23)

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4. Featured Regulars

Cam Patterson

Timestamp: 55:32–62:48

• Delivers strong minute about boasting of a hard upbringing until meeting a Mexican woman who grew up without a roof:
  • “I was crying about sleeping on the couch…This bitch ain't had no top to her house. Nigga, that's crazy.” (56:12)
• Recaps recent tour with Tony and wild road sex stories:
  • “She said, ‘Your dick in my mouth’ and I was like, this is dope, nigga.” (58:12)
• Discusses rising fame—"sold out two shows at the Hollywood Improv" (61:01)—and father’s emotional pride at seeing his son's name on the marquee.
• Classic Kill Tony meta-bantery: “Just trying to get into the Kill Tony racist spirit, folks.” – Stavros (61:45)

William Montgomery

Timestamp: 108:48–118:43

• Closes the show with his signature surreal/savage jokes:
  • “Ripcord? More like rip spinal cord.” (109:03)
  • “I’m…the best pound for pound cancer fighter the doctors have ever seen.” (110:53)
• Banter with Stavros on their “cute guy” status and shared neuroses; William confesses to getting “a little too high” before the set.
• Extended improv about bisexuality, sex with Stavros, and “spit on my hand, put my hand up in your butt” mock-sex details.
• Comic tension and recurring gags with Redban, especially as Redban continues to interrupt the show and kill timing with missed soundboard cues.

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5. Notable Banter and Quotes

• Stavros, on the crowd of open micers:
  “I don't know what you did, Stavros, but you have all these people thinking they can do stand up.” (79:35)
• On odd living habits:
  “This man lives like a hamster. … Hans is just sucking on a bag of water.” – Stavros (21:19)
• Celia, on body image:
  “I need to get in shape because I like dudes shaped like you. … It would be a horrible geometry problem if we tried to have sex.”
• On trauma and psychology:
  “You don’t have to just keep the same interest from when you were 14...but people that hold on to that time in their lives usually suffer some type of trauma.” – Tony, regarding Spencer Boone and his ear gauges (50:36)
• Meta-wit and cynicism:
  “I love it when people…yeah, you know, Tony, he loves, like, retarded people. But they’re funnier than normal people.” – Tony (66:43)
• Crowd/audience eviscerations:
  “You’re a cold-blooded killer. … Just two bags of ice cream above the bed.” – Tony to Celia (45:04)
• On struggles as a white comic:
  “White man being held back by a diverse lineup.” – Tony, satirizing industry focus (93:15)
• On Redban’s missed cues/awkward energy:
  “It’s an incredibly incredible episode for Red Band. He will literally do anything to crush any momentum or setup of anything that anyone else did.” (116:11)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Ep. Intro / Sponsors: 00:00–13:32
• Stavros Arrival/Setup: 13:32–15:52
• Hans Kim Segment: 16:24–26:08
• Spencer Ward: 26:13–36:04
• Celia Contreras: 37:12–45:04
• Spencer Boone: 45:59–54:34
• Cam Patterson: 55:32–62:48
• Jack Horner: 63:05–77:14
• Jackson Leon: 78:10–86:35
• Ali Musa: 86:53–91:05
• Tyler Gilbert: 91:26–99:48
• Carly Anderson: 100:20–107:17
• William Montgomery Closer: 108:48–118:43

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Notable Themes & Takeaways

• Identity & Insecurity: Multiple comics, including Celia and Hans, speak openly about imposter syndrome, social anxiety, and systemic quirks that shape both their comedy and daily choices.
• Blue-collar realism & bodily functions: The show revels in mundane details—wood burning, pizza delivery, celiac disease, and shitting one’s pants become central comedic motifs.
• Self-deprecation as currency: Physical appearances, weird jobs, and past trauma serve both as armor and fuel for onstage originality.
• Meta-Kill Tony humor: Constant callbacks to Tony’s sexuality, Redban’s “fat” persona, and the show’s tendency to revel in offensiveness (“Just trying to get into the Kill Tony racist spirit, folks.” – Stavros).
• Heart beneath the roast: Despite relentless mocking, sincere encouragement and support—comics booking each other, celebrating hard-won achievements, and making space for everyone—shine through.

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Final Words & Episode Close

The show wraps with Tony thanking the band and crew, encouraging fans to watch Stavros’s special on Netflix, and offering props for big energy and crowd work all around. William Montgomery’s closing segment is especially raucous, highlighting the anarchic, supportive spirit that defines Kill Tony.

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If you missed the episode, this recap captures its wild energy, sharp satire, and ever-present heart—a blend of “comedy bootcamp” and real community building in today’s stand-up scene.

Transcript

[Redban]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found@Deathsquad TV. All our merch can be found for kill [e-mail] Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out tonyhinchcliff.com for everything. Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget, I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi weekly show with the Kill Tony band. And the secret show is every single Thursday. Get [e-mail] and now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

The world is in peril. It's chaos everywhere. We're not covering any of it because we're too stupid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're black, right?

[Cam Patterson]

Right.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Allegedly.

[Redban]

Robert Paul Champagne.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All it takes for rappers to join

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Pickleball is for Michael Jordan to make

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

some Jordans for Pickleball.

[Stavros Halkias]

Merry Christmas, you guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You sound like every gay in Manhatt.

[Stavros Halkias]

I feel good.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Try it out.

[Redban]

Are washcloths for the pores.

[Celia Contreras]

How much is it gonna hurt Again?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What's going on? Ever heard of the Pulitzer Prize?

[Redban]

We sure haven't. Go to ymastudios.com to get your tickets right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, y'.

[Hans Kim]

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[Redban]

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[Kill Tony Announcer]

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[Redban]

in Austin, Texas for a brand new

[Kill Tony Announcer]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't tell from the band to the intro transition, but ten and a half years of practice, he has it hitting that fucking go button. Amazing. This is Kill Tony, believe it or not, the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose Yellow Rose hall law firm connect mobilehealth.com where you can get an IB drip. Ninjapartybus.com where you can get a fun ride anywhere you want in the city. And Austin Security guard service. The best security guards in the world are here in Austin, Texas. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land?

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hey y'.

[Stavros Halkias]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Redban]

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[Kill Tony Announcer]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Redban]

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[Redban]

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[Kill Tony Announcer]

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[Redban]

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[Redban]

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[Redban]

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[Redban]

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[Kill Tony Announcer]

Well, an exciting one, ladies and gentlemen. You know, I book every single episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I book this guest myself. And this is without a doubt one of the most requested guests in the history of the show. And it is indeed his first time ever being a guest on this fucking show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest live comedians working today has the newest special out on Netflix right now called Fat Rascal.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Stavros Alkias, everybody. Oh, yeah. Yeah, baby. Here we go. Finally, Stavros has joined the prey of Kill Tony. All right, we've been waiting a long time for this. Stavros Halkias.

[Spencer Boone]

Let's do it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I can cat Rascal out now on Netflix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Killing it. Life is good. Stavros. Welcome to Kill Tony. How you doing?

[Ali Musa]

Good, man.

[Stavros Halkias]

I can't wait to say and call you gay for two hours.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah. Ah, he gets it. He already knows. Sometimes I book a guest they don't know what about the show, they don't know what to do. He already has it figured out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which means you also know this is a special night. 201. Exactly. 201 human beings signed up for their opportunity, perhaps to get pulled out of this bucket. If that happens, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I interview them. We find out more about them, usually funnier stuff than they had a chance to talk about. We find out more about them and their lives and what makes them interesting. We have a few regulars mixed in that do a new minute every single week. Very tough job. Amazing stuff. You guys ready to start?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Austin, Texas, are you ready to start tonight's episode of Kill Tony? All right, I'm gonna pre pool a name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna get them from the bar none next door. And while that happens, we have one of our greatest regulars in the history

[Kill Tony Announcer]

of the show here to start tonight's episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He writes and performs a brand new

[Kill Tony Announcer]

minute every single week, headlining all around the world. Sold out shows, adding shows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have his location on my phone.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I watch him, I see him. He's coming in hot from Seattle today. He was at the SEAC airport at 2pm today. I'm excited to see what happens. You guys know the words to the song. Let's see if you do. Hans Kim, everybody.

[Hans Kim]

Hey, It's good to be here. I'd like to thank Matt Rife for getting canceled on the first joke of his special so I don't have to watch the rest of that shit. Guess I'll never find out what that guy does for a living. Like Matt Rife. I am the Matt Rife of ugly people. I actually have a lot of sex. It's pretty cool. I used to date a beauty pageant winner from El Salvador. Yeah, she had Ms. 13 tattooed on her fore. Thank you. What's up, man? I hate poor people. They're always trying to make me feel bad for growing up rich. Sorry. My parents had their shit together. They didn't have a panic.

[Redban]

Baby,

[Hans Kim]

I can't take care of myself. Maybe this baby can. All right, thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right, Hans Kim shooting his shot against Matt Rife this week for some reason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you have against Matt Rife?

[Hans Kim]

I have a lot of minutes to write, and everyone is fair game. I love Matt Rife. I think he's great. I just. I don't watch a lot of specials, but I watched Stavros special. He got me tickets. It's one of the best specials I've ever seen. Go check it out.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell, yeah. I was about to call him a coward for backtracking on the Matt Rife thing, but now I love the guy.

[Hans Kim]

No, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a good recovery. That was a good, honest answer to your question. I like that. What are you gonna say when Matt Rife is a guest on the show in a couple weeks?

[Hans Kim]

Hey, man,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's going on in life? Hans Kim?

[Hans Kim]

I just got back from Vancouver, BC, had a little layover in SeaTac. Which is where?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what you were doing in Seattle.

[Hans Kim]

Okay, you got me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Saw you earlier.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I look at Han's location all the time. I keep an eye on him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. I keep him from doing shitty open mics. Right? He's addicted to shitty open mics. When you're addicted to shitty. Here's a little insight in the comedian world is, like, when you do that, it up your timing, it makes you not. Like if you're doing a shitty room filled with idiots and there's like, 12 morons there, and you're trying a new joke that might be amazing, but you're doing it in front of 12 idiots and they don't laugh or they go do. Then you don't like the joke. That could have been great. So by doing shitty shows, it's not a Good barometer for how things work. So I always keep an eye on Hans.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

So I'll yell at him sometimes I'll

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

be like, what the fuck are you doing at that fucking club right now? Like, it's literally like a Tony.

[Redban]

Do you do this with women? Also like that. You date and stuff? Do you make them?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

No, I don't have.

[Stavros Halkias]

No. It's only men that Tony tracks on his phone.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I have the.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're on the board one time calling Tony gay.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It is true. That's one. That is one. One down and to huge applause, by the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Never gets old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I love it. Whatever. Whatever the people want, that's what you get. Who knows, there could be dildos at the arena flying around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're just a few weeks away. Anything can happen. Speaking of the arena, I mean, the whole world is talking. The whole kill Tony universe at least is talking about. About this upcoming battle. It's the first thing like this we've ever done. And your regular ship is on the line. How's things going with that? How do you feel leading?

[Hans Kim]

It's going great. You know, I. I love negativity and hatred in my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And somehow you're the good guy in this D madness. Your guitar is literally. I mean, you have to go like side. It's more this way. I don't know if you feel that, but it's got to be like that

[Kill Tony Announcer]

way a little bit stage. Okay. It ain't my fault.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know, I know, but.

[Stavros Halkias]

But this I got put here,

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right? That's right. I'm gay and I'm an everybody. I love it. Welcome to my show, everyone. Welcome to the gay show, everybody. Here I am, the old gay put a dick in me cuz I'm a gay. You know what I'm saying? All right, Hans, what else is going

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on in your world? Let's talk about it.

[Hans Kim]

I. I recently installed a bag of water above my bed and I'm sucking on that. That's pretty cool.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What the are you talking about?

[Stavros Halkias]

This man lives like a hamster. You put wood pellets in your bathroom too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just.

[Stavros Halkias]

Directly on the floor. Hans is that Korean efficiency.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

He has little tunnels in his whole

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

place that he just crawls through.

[Hans Kim]

You are what you eat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You eat hamsters?

[Hans Kim]

I mean, yeah, I'd give it a shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So let's get into this more. What the fuck do you mean, a bag of water over your bed?

[Hans Kim]

I got the biggest camelback I could find. Found the stud, put a nail, hung it up, and Now I'm just sucking on water all day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you fill the camel back up with water. You nailed it to your wall. Is this something you saw on the Internet or somebody else do? This is your own idea.

[Hans Kim]

This is 100% original Hans Kim idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is absolutely incredible. I love this.

[Hans Kim]

You gave me money, and now I'm just using it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's right. I love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's one of my favorite things. Things is to make sure that the people that I make sure get rich, spend that money. There's nothing worse than someone that holds on to it a lot. There's a lot of thrifty people that you know, and you were once one of them.

[Hans Kim]

I. Yeah, I still am, but. No. Yeah, you're helping me a lot. You really shame me about being cheap. Being cheap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He wears a lot of free T shirts that people give him. Like, you'll see it. Like, you could just tell. Like, it's like. What's that one? That's a.

[Hans Kim]

This one is the Lehman Brothers. It's.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You bought that?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, on Amazon. It's a. It's kind of a protest.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah.

[Redban]

I don't get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What is the mean.

[Hans Kim]

They were responsible for the 2008 financial crisis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, and you bought that? Yeah, with the money?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Recently. You bought this recently?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, about two weeks ago.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice, man. Hell, yeah. My man's trying to get some communist.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Respect. I also am trying to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how are things with the girlfriend?

[Hans Kim]

She's great. You know, she's very American. I'm Asian. You know, she, you know, ignores some of the nice things I do for her. She's like, oh, you're here. Oh, can you give me some water?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're like, here, here's my tube. Just take it out of your mouth.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I put a. I put a water bag above her bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you fucking serious?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I'm starting a place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You sleep in different beds?

[Hans Kim]

Well, yeah. I mean, she has her own house. I live in my house.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

House.

[Hans Kim]

It causes a lot of stress because, you know, she likes to spend a lot of time with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She does?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's an ongoing theme.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, it's. It's crazy. It's like, I'm a podcaster by nature, and she's just taking away all my podcasting time. But no, she's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's a podcaster by nature. So let's talk more about this water bag. Do you drink it all in, like, one night? Do you refill it? Do you let the water sit there for a few days? How Long does it take you to get through this bag of water?

[Hans Kim]

It's like five days of water just hanging above my head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is incredible.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Why? What the.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't want fresh water?

[Hans Kim]

Well, if you have a cup, you have to, like, turn over and, like, make sure you sit up and drink it. If you have a thing, you just, like, lay there and just suck on it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, my.

[Redban]

But that's cold.

[Hans Kim]

That's room temperature water, but gross. It's just like. You're just like. When you're laying in bed, the thing that gets you out of bed is, like, dry mouth. So now I solve that.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

The thing that gets you out of bed is dry mouth.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do you have a tube you piss into as well?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah. Is it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is this a perfect cycle?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's the next thing you need filtration to piss into. And then you just drink the water. Then it's infinity days, not five days.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You're just your own human centipede at that point. You don't ever need to do anything. And then if you add a podcast

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

mic into the mix, you can literally

[Kill Tony Announcer]

just do everything from there. Zoom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Zoom screen across from you, have everybody zoom in. Your annoying girlfriend can stay in the

[Kill Tony Announcer]

room with you and feel like you're with her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

She can keep an eye on you.

[Hans Kim]

Right? You, you're. I, I thank you for the this advice. I know you're joking, but I might actually do it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I want updates on it. I'm excited to find out how it goes. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim. With a brand new minute, a brand new interview. We found out a lot. Motherfucker's got a bag of water on the wall. You can't make this shit up. I swear, I don't talk throughout the week. Like, hey, what are we going to talk about in the interview? I find out with you, like, you can't even write that shit. He's got a bag of water. Like, no sitcom would do that because they'd be like, oh, that's unbelievable. Who's going to believe that he's sucking out of a bag of water? One more time for Hans Kim.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hans Kim.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right, I pulled a name out of the bucket. This is where shit gets crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It might be the fucking future of comedy. It could be a completely mentally ill person. You guys down to? Have some fun. Your first bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Spencer Ward, ladies and gentlemen, Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted to Spencer Ward. We're going to meet Them all together.

[Spencer Ward]

The war between Israel and Hamas is very sad. It's actually affected me personally as well. I enjoy amateur Israeli porn. Lately there's been a lot more background noise. Some people aren't willing to challenge their own beliefs. Women who are pro life never want to go on late night walks. They make it awfully difficult for God to bless them with a precious little miracle. I've never seen an attractive woman with a rape whistle. That's why I think they should call it a hey, everybody, look, someone's actually fucking me whistle. Anyone who's finished middle school has basic history knowledge and knows about atrocities like slavery and the Holocaust. Keep that in mind the next time your aunt says everything happens for a reason. You probably haven't seen it, but she definitely has a swastika tattoo on her inner thigh or lower back. And your uncle stares at it when they're having sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Spencer Ward, welcome to the show.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Spencer, how are you?

[Spencer Ward]

You good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing standup?

[Spencer Ward]

About seven months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven months? Where at?

[Spencer Ward]

Around Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here in Austin. Is this where you're from?

[Spencer Ward]

I'm not. So I did two months in. In Milwaukee and then five months here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're. Milwaukee is where you're originally from?

[Spencer Ward]

From Madison, then moved to Milwaukee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Spencer Ward]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Born and raised in Madison.

[Spencer Ward]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I could see that you have the personality of someone from Wisconsin. Very soft, polite delivery. Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Those are the most timid rape jokes I've ever heard in my life. You really sold them. If maybe a lady might at night, something bad could happen to her. And my aunt's a Nazi, by the way.

[Carly Anderson]

That's fair.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has anyone ever blown a rape whistle near you, Spencer?

[Spencer Ward]

No, not that I am aware of now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, okay. What do you do for a living?

[Spencer Ward]

Work in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, There you go, the rape whistle. Right on cue.

[Stavros Halkias]

That famous red band timing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Just how he likes it. A good 10 second delay on a rape whistle so he can come and run and get away with it all. There he goes. No, you don't have to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do that.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You don't have to hit buttons when you're uncomfortable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so there you go.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Snuck one in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special skills or talents? Have you been on stage before? Presenting anything on stage?

[Spencer Ward]

Presenting? No, no, not I. I've done open mics, you know, but with like 20 or 30 people maybe. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the biggest show you did before this was 23 people?

[Spencer Ward]

No, I. I've done the open mic, the ship open mic once, but otherwise it's like Creek in the cave and different spots where there's like 10 to 20 people. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Spencer, what do you do for fun? What's interesting about you?

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, I'll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm glad you asked. I was prepared for this part. I had a feeling.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah,

[Carly Anderson]

I mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Here we go. Go in three, two, one. Now.

[Spencer Ward]

So I, I.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What do you do for fun?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And here we go.

[Spencer Ward]

So I would burn you wood burn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You burn wood. You would burn. How much burn would a wood burn? Bur.

[Jack Horner]

It's like a.

[Spencer Ward]

It's like drawing. You like burn an image into like into wood. You just like go slowly and like draw with a wood burner. So it's like drawing but you like do it slowly and burn the etching. Yeah, it's kind of like that. But it's not that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't know you were into wood burning.

[Redban]

Oh yeah, they have it with the lasers now. That's what bonsai does a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know that if you moved a little more you would burn calories.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, you so. Yeah, yeah. Welcome to Kill Tony. Where Tony is gay and red band is fat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you wood burn?

[Spencer Ward]

Yeah, I do other stuff too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like what? It's interesting that you started wood burning.

[Spencer Ward]

I was trying to like lead with something different that you haven't heard before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was good. I got that wood burn calorie joke. Never done that in ten and a half years.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Years something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, go ahead.

[Spencer Ward]

Long runs around Lady Bird Lake. I've. I've met interesting people. Yeah, I've met Lex on the Lady Bird Lake trail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You met Lex Friedman?

[Spencer Ward]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay. I can't imagine what you took.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Two glasses of water, talked about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello. Hello.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hello. Hello. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I'm on a run. I'm on a run. You two fucking robots just fucking full malfunction. They're just stuck there. Well, I guess I should be going now. What direction are you running?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That way or that way? I'm going to run with you now.

[Spencer Ward]

It's pretty close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I love it. So you guys started running together?

[Spencer Ward]

No, we just like talked that time and then when we see each other we wave. That's about it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Damn. Fucking awesome brag, dude.

[Spencer Ward]

So I saw him on Sunday. I went past him, but I was running and he was walking so I didn't want to stop to talk to him so I just waved.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh my goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your style.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You are just a fucking old bag of water. You know what I mean? You keep this kind of Personality up. You're going to be nailed to Hans wall in no time. This is absolutely incredible. No spice deal whatsoever,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but you have decent jokes for a guy seven months in, I'll tell you that. I mean, you're kind of like. I don't know which one of the Culkin brothers you are exactly, but this must be a special time of the year for you. What are you doing for Christmas? You have any special plans? You going to put up a plain pine tree or something like that? No decorations.

[Spencer Ward]

I'll fly back to Wisconsin, see family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. There you go. The old Wisconsin winter wonderland. What about it? Nothing more fun than that.

[Spencer Ward]

I did almost die one day, so that's maybe a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about that for a second. That's a good save there. This might be interesting.

[Spencer Ward]

Yeah. So When I was 11, I crashed in the ATV, hit a tree, and then it rolled down on top of me, like, into a. Into a ditch. And I, like, I saw a bright light and everything, and I had that. That whole experience. And then I woke up in a. In a hospital and had to learn to walk again. Took like, a week to get out of the bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now I know why. Your personality is how it is. This is good.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's brain damage, everybody. Very exciting. Wow.

[Spencer Ward]

I have a master's. I went to grad school, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did.

[Spencer Ward]

Maybe if I didn't have that accent, I would be, like an astronaut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you a badger?

[Spencer Ward]

Yeah, I went to. I went to Madison.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. That's a yes.

[Spencer Ward]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And in what. What was it in?

[Spencer Ward]

I have a master's in IT Management. BS and international business.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there you go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, I would say don't pursue that. Keep telling bad rape jokes. Don't start a family and save up some money for retirement. Spend the tail end of your youth in shitty bars, bombing. Sorry, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like? You seem like you could be good looking in the right lighting.

[Spencer Ward]

I got, like, three hours of sleep, so that's my excuse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Spencer Ward]

But, yeah, no, I'm just not pursuing anybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is anybody pursuing you? You.

[Spencer Ward]

When I go out, y' all like to open mics and stuff. People will. Will approach.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you never. You never partake? You just let them flirt with you?

[Spencer Ward]

I'm not wired as someone who, like, wants hookup hookups. I want, like, a relationship, but I don't have the time for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course you want a relationship.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

This guy is something else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What time machine did you crawl into? Like, if something serious, this computer Thing's really taking off. I'm an IT guy.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's gonna blow up any day now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just looking for someone to settle down with, go to Wisconsin. Introduced to my mother and father who are still happily together. Am I correct?

[Spencer Ward]

No, they divorced when I was five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it during the ATV accident?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, when you were five? Okay. God damn it, Henry. I told you not to buy him that atv.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's what his mom sounds like.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, God, ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a whole.

[Jack Horner]

Henry.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's what moms in Wisconsin sound like.

[Redban]

Who's gonna shovel the Dr.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is your mama smoker?

[Spencer Ward]

She's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, all right.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Well, whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gonna burn some wood tonight, dude. You gonna get wild, bro. You gonna think about love and would burn some wood?

[Spencer Ward]

I might.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Spencer Ward]

I might do just that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. There he goes.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

The kill Tony debut of Spencer Ward, everybody. You know what? Welcome to the show. Seven months in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Price. Did you get it? Did you get it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got scared. Here, take one.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Take one. Take one of these. Do not grab D madness as anything. Get out of here. There he goes. All right. On and on we go. This is a very special bucket poll, everybody. I love the fact that this show is so crazy. There's so many characters that have been on before that I can reach into a bucket with 201 names and pull out a pretty much a legend of the show's history. This. This next comedian is. Had a very, very famous moment here where she won opening spots with me and with Roseanne Bar. She's an absolute killer. I truly believe. I mean, this one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Celia Contreras, everybody.

[Celia Contreras]

All right, so I had a very open minded stepdad. Especially when that.45 caliber tore through the back of his head. It was a hollow occasion, but we know he had a blast, right? Suicide. All right, let's talk about something worse. White women. It's not that I hate you bitches. I've just worked a lot of customer service jobs. That being said, I don't think my own people, Mexican women, are shit either. I want to know why we shave off our eyebrows and draw them back on. Like, just the audacity of it. It's like I can do better than God. So I'm at my brother's funeral, right? And my sister's next to me and she makes out this. Makes this disgusting sound. She's like, ugh. It's like, what? Look at this bitch. She couldn't have drawn her shit on straight for this? I turn Around. There's my other sister, looking concerned and surprised. This is very inappropriate.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Well, nobody heard it.

[Celia Contreras]

Nobody was surprised. My brother killed himself.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Celia Contreras, everybody. Unbelievable. Again and again and again. Very exciting to have two Stavroses on stage at the same time.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know, dude. I'm trying. I need that shirt. Give me the link.

[Celia Contreras]

I'd give it to you now, but I'm not wearing a bra, so.

[Stavros Halkias]

Me neither.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, my God. This is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is like a fucking eclipse of the.

[Stavros Halkias]

We should just, like. Which one is it?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right, everybody put on your special glasses that are underneath your seats. This is unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible.

[Ali Musa]

Really good.

[Stavros Halkias]

Jokes are very funny. Yeah, that. The surprise. The eyebrows joke. Very, very funny.

[Celia Contreras]

Thank you.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's not a joke. I'm giving. I'm saying something nice.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

No, that's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And I'll say something serious as well. You know, I invited. If you remember the story. I don't know if you guys remember, but Celia was on. She fucking destroyed. She said she's from Phoenix, and a bunch of old friends used to bust her balls. I said, I'm gonna put you in this massive theater that I'm doing. Invite anybody you want to. Invite the haters. Invite your family. And little Heath went out, started the show, killed, brought up Celia, who absolutely fucking destroyed. I mean, that was your first big theater, right?

[Carly Anderson]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

And it was in the round, so you're surrounded by audience. The entire also, obviously, is in the round eternally. And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you absolutely murdered. You. You took your time, you executed the jokes. The place went nuts for Phoenix's own Celia Contreras.

[Celia Contreras]

Can I disagree slightly? I feel like I was still talking too fast. Like, I thought about it afterwards, and my brother said the same thing, but he's an idiot now. I love him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's good that you have notes for yourself after having a great set. That's awesome. It shows the true comedian that's inside of you that looks back and thinks of what they could do better.

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah. Well, yes, but I get in the car because my brother and sister drove me to another show. Remember I told you I was doing another show afterwards?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The classic, classic mistake that many openers make after doing a massive theater. They're like, oh, I'm gonna go do this other show across the city and destroy my morale for the night.

[Celia Contreras]

I'm going to disagree. I ended up headlining that night. 120 people came to see me.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing.

[Celia Contreras]

And my family went to both shows. My brother and my sister. My brother even bribed his wife. It's like, I'll take you to the casino if you let me go watch the second show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. Add another 120 to the mix for that night. So fun. And what else is going on in your life, Celia? You're a fucking real comedian. I've always said that about you. You're hilarious. Hilarious. You roll with jokes. You make them, you take them.

[Celia Contreras]

I try, but like I'm very insecure. Like I know I present myself as well, but imposter syndrome, low self esteem, like it's a whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's all of us.

[Celia Contreras]

But yeah, they call me but like I have people.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, you don't have imposter syndrome. When it comes to that, you are. You are the real deal, brother. That's two.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Two. My goodness.

[Celia Contreras]

For what it's worth, Tony, I don't think you're gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When I go to bed tonight, I'm gonna have trouble sleeping. When I put in my dick shaped

[Kill Tony Announcer]

pacifier into my mouth.

[Stavros Halkias]

In your mouth or in your ass?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Pacifier. And the acifier. You know what I'm saying?

[Celia Contreras]

For what it's worth, I don't think you're gay. Gay guys are fit.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Wait, wait a second. Celia. I'm sorry, are you doing a joke about how I'm not fit it right now?

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah, so if anybody know it's me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tony, it's a trap. A gay guy would react exactly like this.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

3. There it is, west side.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Celia, you doing a joke about me

[Kill Tony Announcer]

being unfit is like me doing a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

joke about you being healthy.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's incredible. That's like not a thing.

[Celia Contreras]

I'm her at being unfit, so I would know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Celia, I'm ripped by the way.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I don't know what you're talking about. I know you haven't. No, Michael, shut. Shut the up. Who started that? Gross. No, I didn't mean to start that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry, Celia.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What else about you?

[Celia Contreras]

People keep offering me spots. I guess I'm really popular in west Texas. I've had line there twice and I actually did my first 40 minute set two weeks ago and it wasn't shit. Like it was decent, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Celia Contreras]

It could be so much better though. Yeah, I get my shit together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay, what type of shit together would you have to get for that to happen?

[Celia Contreras]

Do you think I need to be more focused? And like I have a bet with my friend starting January 1st, first one to drinks has to do something stupid. And I'm not going to lose to this faggot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there you go.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a faggot. What's his number?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

This is what you guys do to me. You put me in a corner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He.

[Celia Contreras]

The first time I did the show in Phoenix, he went up right before me. Like, he ended up being my roommate. Like, we've been roommates twice, but his name was Josh Jones. He tried to jungle oranges for you and asked you to sign an orange.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I have no idea.

[Celia Contreras]

It was very forgettable. I don't let him forget, though. It's all like, hey, your friends are here. Let's show them our Kill Tony episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy happening? What's her love like? Like, he's still closing bars and waiting for the last guy there and all that. We talked about this before, dude.

[Celia Contreras]

I have so many, like, people in my DMs now, and I'm fucking tired. I don't want to have sex anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that. I like that. Stavros, what do you think about that? Can you relate?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Celia Contreras]

Also, I need to get in shape because I like dudes shaped like you. And it's hard for two balls to bounce balance on top of each other.

[Stavros Halkias]

No. It would be a horrible geometry problem if we tried to have sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It would not work.

[William Montgomery]

Not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really would. I would.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't have enough penis for two bellies, that's for sure.

[Celia Contreras]

We got, like, seven other fat guys. We can make it a planetarium, kind of like porn thing.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You guys would be the hottest couple of all time. I can just picture it. Just two bags of ice cream above the bed. Celia, you're a monster. We absolutely love you. You did it again. You're a cold blooded killer. Keep doing the goddamn thing. All right, thank you, Celia Contreras, make sure you follow her at Celia. Underscore A. Underscore. Graham. All right, this is our. I do believe this is our second Spencer of the night, everybody. It's a night filled with Spencers so far. Make some noise for your next bucket. Spencer Boone, everybody. 60 seconds from Spencer Boone. The 100% male Spencer ratio sent Spencer Boone.

[Spencer Boone]

I don't think everyone should wear a mustache. If you wear just a mustache, you can look cool, like a biker or a cowboy. If I wear just a mustache, I look like I use a lot of hard Rs with just a mustache. I look the type of guy who would wear aviators and then randomly get out of his car and pick fights with people because their skin's brown. If I wear just a mustache. I like the type of guy who would corner you in an alleyway, force you to the ground, have sex with you against your will, pull out a gun, threaten to kill you and everyone you love if you tell anybody about this. But at the end of the day, no matter what side you're on, no matter how you feel about it, there's still a lot of people who'd say, I used to be a pretty good cop. Paid leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Spencer Boone, everybody. One more time for Spencer.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Very exciting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is cool to have two Stavroses

[Kill Tony Announcer]

on stage at the same time.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's a piece of ass. You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How long you been doing stand up?

[Spencer Boone]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. All of it here in Austin?

[Spencer Boone]

I've been here for about five months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where were you before that?

[Spencer Boone]

Charlottesville, Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, that's like a racist epicenter.

[Spencer Boone]

It's really not. Those. Those people weren't fucking from there, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, sure. That's what I would say, too, if that happened.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Right.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah. Live. It's actually a very liberal city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Are there more black people in Charlottesville or on this stage right now?

[Spencer Boone]

There's more in. There's more in Charlottesville.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Spencer Boone]

I had to look around. I had to check.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay. What do you do for work?

[Spencer Boone]

I've been working at the Rock and Roll shop here on 6th Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rock and Roll Shop?

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, they sell, like, band shirts and, like, horror movie stuff. Sci fi things.

[Spencer Ward]

Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you're built for that.

[Spencer Boone]

I like it. You know, it's fun. It didn't pay very much, so, you know, you just kind of do something. I'd rather do something I like than spend all my time doing something I hate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what do you do for fun?

[Spencer Boone]

I'm an artist. Artist. I love painting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do wood burning?

[Spencer Boone]

No, I have before, yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Ah. Very incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is an interesting episode. Two Spencers that have burned wood.

[Spencer Boone]

All right, sure.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

I don't know what that means, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah, there was a Spencer on earlier that burned wood.

[Spencer Boone]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jackson Leon]

Neat.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else?

[Spencer Boone]

Other than I paint. I do resin stuff. I've made my own gauges before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, your ear gauges. Yes. Right.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're stretching out your earlobes.

[Spencer Boone]

Not anymore. They're kind of where they're at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Yeah. Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

I like how the jokes are about how ridiculous he'd look with a mustache. And that's what his ears look like. Could you imagine if I looked stupid then? He puts a Steve Harvey suit button in his ears.

[Hans Kim]

Was good.

[Spencer Boone]

That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what made you start that? Where does that. How does that start? I've always wondered where gauges start. Did you see. Did you have a friend doing that? Did your mom start that for you?

[Spencer Boone]

No, no, my mom hates them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your mom hates them? I can't imagine that.

[Spencer Boone]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's she at?

[Spencer Boone]

My mom's in Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Virginia, right. Yeah, Absolutely. So go ahead. How does it start?

[Spencer Boone]

I didn't start doing it till I was, like, 14. I already had them pierced.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

But.

[Spencer Boone]

But, you know, a girl in your earth science class just kind of shoves a tongue ring through your ear and you start gauging your ears like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You start gauging your ears.

[Jack Horner]

Yes.

[Spencer Boone]

Initially, though, I know where I first saw gauges and thought they were cool. Incubus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Can you give your answer again and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we'll edit out Red Bands Horrendous.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Non landing with one human joke.

[Spencer Boone]

The band Incubus. Oh, seriously?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

See, it's a great answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even the second time, it's amazing.

[Spencer Boone]

But also, I like art. Right. So they had a music video for the song Drive, and he's literally, like, drawing himself in the video, and he gets to his face and he just draws a big circle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

And I didn't know what the fuck it was. And I found out that was where gauges were from.

[Stavros Halkias]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I.

[Spencer Boone]

It's a thing, you know, you don't

[Stavros Halkias]

have to just keep the same interest from when you were 14. Right. You get. You can grow and evolve as a person.

[Spencer Boone]

I've taken them out different periods of time and they shrink back up, though. So, I mean, it's a choice to have.

[Tyler Gilbert]

I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But, you know, he makes an interesting point. He makes an interesting point. You know, people that hold on to that time in their lives usually suffer some type of trauma that happened right after that or around that time. Is that, in your case, true? Because you're trying to go, did something happen when you were 15, 16, or 17 to where you're holding onto things from when you were 14? God,

[Spencer Boone]

it's probably one of the divorces.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the divorces. What are the odds of that? Very interesting. I never would have guessed. Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

But, you know, I went through, like, three divorces by the time I was, like, 16.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Up there, my parents can't pick. Well, that's right. Yeah, that's right.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very interesting how psychology works like that. Are there other things that you hold on to from your child, Childhood that when things were going good.

[Spencer Boone]

Oh, God, I don't know, man. I Mean, I've always been sick most my life. Yeah. When I was on here last time we talked. I have the celiacs, the allergies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Celiac was on stage right before you.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Boo.

[Spencer Boone]

No, no, it's Celia C. That's a good one. That's.

[Hans Kim]

That's amazing.

[Spencer Boone]

Like. Yeah, that's a great joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so tell us about your. Tell us about your Celia. You would poop your pants sometimes, right? That's.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That disease.

[Spencer Boone]

I didn't realize most people just didn't walk around like, trying to hold in shits all the time, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Spencer Boone]

Like, I grew up eating bread not knowing I had celiacs. I didn't find out, Celia. So I was like 30.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Wow.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Spencer Boone]

Spent a lot of time just trying not to. Yourself. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

How successful have you been? When's the last time you. Your pants?

[Spencer Boone]

Oh, God, I was probably like 25. Yeah. To be honest, I just didn't make it in my house.

[Stavros Halkias]

In time, habits are the best.

[Spencer Boone]

It was a key fumble. Everything fell apart.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Key fumble, huh? You say pe?

[Spencer Boone]

I fumbled my keys at the door, couldn't get in.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm with you, brother. I know exactly what you're talking about. You run out of time.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You run out of time.

[Spencer Boone]

Like, holy.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Let.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let me and my friend over here discuss this. Tony, this doesn't concern you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness. That is such an interesting thing that you guys almost poop your pants a lot.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, yeah. I'm a real person. I almost shit my pants.

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Have you. Have you done that? I've never done it like that. I've never, like, oh, I just dropped my keys and I shit myself.

[Spencer Boone]

Well, with the celiacs, you get like a countdown. It's like, hey, you got to go, like, now.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Spencer Boone]

So you know a lot more Walmart bathroom shits that you ever want to take.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Just keep like a plastic bag or

[Redban]

a Ziploc around in your pocket for emergencies. For emergencies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Listen to the uproarious response from the audience.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sunset Strip comedy club, folks.

[Redban]

Second highest ceilings in the business.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's right.

[Spencer Boone]

So, yeah, that was a thing, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us something interesting about your life before I let you go. That we never found out. Something else that since your last appearance here, we'd be surprised to know about. You've had some time to think about this. What sets you apart from everybody else. It's cool that you draw. It's cool that you had a traumatized childhood. Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us something new here.

[Spencer Boone]

Something new. Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You haven't thought about it, huh?

[Spencer Boone]

No, I can Give you a story about something I've done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Spencer Boone]

Yeah, so I love drugs. Like, as far as, like, hoogenics. One time I took acid. Rode on a picnic table affixed to a trailer, being driven by a four wheeler by a drunk redneck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you pooped your pants.

[Spencer Boone]

No, they're porta Potties. It was a private camp thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yeah, there you go. Yeah, yeah, I know you got a little joke book. Last time you had a big joke book.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Whoa, look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, there you go. You're good.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There you go. Spencer Boone, everybody. There goes Spencer. No, we've only done three. I want to do four. They give you the name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's get one of our

[Kill Tony Announcer]

regulars up here, ladies and gentlemen. The guy's an absolute phenom. You know him, you love him. He's featuring for me in theaters all around the globe. He's a freak of nature.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

One of the truly, truly one of the best rising talents on planet Earth. Thanks so much for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Tyler Gilbert]

When I.

[Cam Patterson]

When I what? Hell yeah. When I be talking to women, I be kinda make my upbringing sound worse than what it was sometimes. Like, I be kinda guy be like, you know, it was kind of hard for me out there. I used to sleep on the floor and shit. Slept on the couch most of my life. Like, it was kind of tough. I kind of raised myself a little bit. You feel what I'm saying? And most women would be like, oh, my gosh, that's so sad. Let me suck your dick. But I met this one girl and she was from Mexico, and I told her that whole thing, like I slept on the floor growing up and shit. I did all this other stuff. And she was like, oh, that's sad as hell. When I was growing up, I ain't had no roof. Bitch, you won. You got me. You got me beat for real. You know what I'm saying? Like that.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's how.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what showed me, like, people in other countries got it way worse. Cause I was crying about sleeping on the couch and shit. And this ain't had no top to her house. You feel what I'm saying? Nigga, that's crazy. That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That is crazy. Welcome, Cam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another new minute.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What it do?

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything is good.

[Cam Patterson]

Everything's good. I'm a.

[Stavros Halkias]

Was that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was 52 seconds?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That close?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Hell yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah. I take that. I wrote that in the shower. That was dope.

[Hans Kim]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That Mexican real, though. That ain't really had a roof of our house. That was crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What you just say was real out of. Oof.

[Cam Patterson]

You understood me st.

[Stavros Halkias]

I got you, bro. I got you. She didn't have a roof on her house.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, that's for real.

[Stavros Halkias]

That Mexican is crazy. She didn't have a roof on her house is what he said.

[Cam Patterson]

There you go. Stop your nigga at heart, you know what I mean?

[Stavros Halkias]

Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

So you're with a Mexican woman who didn't have a roof on her.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, nah, she's talking about when she was a kid. She ain't had one, right?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the rain just gets in?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, they had like a tin roof or some. Was crazy. She was telling me that. I was like, can you just suck my dick? But it's cool.

[Stavros Halkias]

So did you suck her dick then?

[Cam Patterson]

You got me beat.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I guess.

[Cam Patterson]

I guess you won this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I call a Mexican family soaked in rain, wet tops.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Okie dokie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are back. Cam Patterson coming off of working with me this weekend. Two sold out theaters in New York City. Absolute smashing performances. And then we were back again. In and out in 24 hours.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that fun for you?

[Cam Patterson]

It was a good time, man. Was great. You feel me? A white bitch hit me up.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Ah, we on the road.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Ah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That was crazy.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Tell us about it.

[Cam Patterson]

Hit me up. So I'm in. I'm in the hotel and shit. And she like, you should come to New York. And I said, well, funny thing is I'm here right now, right?

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Cam Patterson]

And she was like, oh, for real? And she was like, where can I get it? And I didn't answer. I know what that meant. So I just didn't answer. And she was like, hurry up. I'm trying to plan my night. Like, when can I get it? And I was like, get what? And she was like, your dick in my mouth. And I was like, this is dope, nigga.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm sorry. You didn't know what she meant? What are you, Tony, trying to talk to a black person? It was clear as day.

[Cam Patterson]

I wanted her to say it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Fucking sent reasons.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what I needed. A text.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what I'm saying? You needed it in writing?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, 100%. See, that bitch said she want to suck my dick. See?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

See, that was what she said.

[Cam Patterson]

Officer,

[Stavros Halkias]

I got you.

[Spencer Boone]

So did you do it?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I go for you.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, yeah, it was good. She started the soil out. My nigga was fun. I had a good time. I really enjoyed that shit. The funniest thing was She. I ain't realized. She had DMed me, like, a long time ago when I did the office joke, right? And she said, I quote, and I quote, she said, I can suck your dick to full house. Which was crazy. You feel what I'm saying? It was just like a wider show, which is dope.

[Jack Horner]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That was fun. I had a good time. New York was dope as hel.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. The shows were cool, too.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's how. That's how I feel too. Go in, you get out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was most excited about the 3:30am pickup. We went in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Destroyed New York and got the out.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It was like a.

[Cam Patterson]

Like we killed somebody.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Like real assassins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really was.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It kind of. It's like, what.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remember what the was that guy's name? The guy in Northern California that murdered people came from? The Millionaire New York family? The hbo. Jeffrey D. No, stupid. Robert Durst.

[Stavros Halkias]

Don't know who that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where he goes.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's one part where he goes and he kills a lady in LA that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

was like, about to talk about him murdering the other people.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

And they track him and he's like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They, like. They, like, have his phone going all the way. He flew into San Francisco, drove to la, blatantly murders somebody, and then drives

[Kill Tony Announcer]

all the way back to make his

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

flight a few hours later.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Are you tracking. You were tracking him also.

[Redban]

Him and Hans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. There you go. That's your biggest joke of the night right there. You should keep track of that.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's a big one for you. Look, the crowd is proud of you. That's a big one for you on a comedy show.

[Stavros Halkias]

To be fair. To be fair, it was more just reminding people of something someone said. I don't know if it was quite

[Cam Patterson]

a joke, but remember that one time you said that?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Remember that?

[Cam Patterson]

I love you, Red man. You my dog. We like this.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I am.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What else is going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else crazy happen?

[Cam Patterson]

I did. Thanks. Thanks to y'.

[Jack Horner]

All.

[Cam Patterson]

Thanks to the showing shot. Sold out two shows at the Hollywood Improv. That was dope as fuck. Thank you all so much.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That was cool as I heard about these.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, it was a good time, bro. I really had a good time now, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like, kind of crazy to see, like, I see the improv and the Comedy Store posting about you just being around.

[Cam Patterson]

That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's like you're a celebrity in LA now. It's weird how shit's kind of Changed like oh, you know who's coming to Austin? The guy that's famous from la. And now it's kind of like flipped.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And I was cool as. Yeah my they have. They had my name on the marquee and. And my dad walked by. I ain't see I want with him. He walked by, he said oh, that my boy and he just started crying and so that was cool. You feel me?

[Stavros Halkias]

Is that the first time you've seen him in 20 years? He started running. He was like I. I was so much backo child support. Sorry. Just trying to get into the kill Tony racist spirit folks.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Absolutely 100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I was fine alive and well here.

[Stavros Halkias]

That will hard when in room now.

[Cam Patterson]

My dad come everywhere. You asked my dad come everywhere.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He does, he does. That's how babies are made. Come everywhere. But yeah. All right Cam, you're a star. Anything else?

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, can I tell them about my dates in Orlando when we go back to Florida? I got a date in December 14th at my home club from. So yeah, we added a second show. The first one sold out. See, I pull up on a make sure I don't get shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

We're doing theaters the next night.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm up.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

We're gonna have fun. We're bringing David Jolly to those that gonna be crazy.

[Cam Patterson]

He gonna spill crack on the plane. Have a good night.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There he goes, the great Cam Patterson, everybody. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jack Horner, everybody. Here's Jack Horner, everyone. Here we go. Make some noise for Jack, everybody. Come on,

[Jack Horner]

make some noise for me, guys. Let's fucking party. Mothership. Oh my God. Yeah. Guys, who here's on a date? Anybody on a date? Yeah. Nobody. Fuck you. All right. Yeah. No guys, dating relationships are hard for me. I get too invested in short term relationships. Gave my last girlfriend 150 bucks. Her relationship only lasted an hour. Turns out we're both hiding things from each other. I'm an underachiever. She was an undercover. Yeah, once you got the handcuffs out, I thought it was just getting freaky. No, guys, for real. I'm in a long term relationship. It's great. We just celebrated our one year anniversary. It's awesome. Yeah, for real, guys. It's really special because she's 85 and every day counts. You know the weird thing about dating an 85 year olds? Meeting the parents. LOL, Jake. She hates that joke. But it's hard to carry a grudge if you got early onset Alzheimer's. Oh, man. Guys, I'm a slightly handicapped, straight white male. That means it's not too long before the R word comes out. Racist. Did I say racist? There goes my speech impediment. All right. Hi. Hey. What's up, Stuff?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Fuck, yeah. Jack Horner.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, fuck. Oh, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Absolutely fantastic. Welcome back to the show, my friend.

[Jack Horner]

Thank you. You. It's good to be back, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have such a great energy.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, it's the cocaine. It's crashing really hard.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's amazing.

[Jack Horner]

Intense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Definitely not from Wisconsin at all.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, no. Well, I'm from Missouri, but yeah, there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. You got a personality on you.

[Jack Horner]

I guess you're a little wibbly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wobbly. What is that again?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, it's a cerebral palsy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, I know very little about about it. It's kind of like one of the symptoms, you know, not too sharp up through here.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then I would do a little research if I were you, man.

[Jack Horner]

I don't know how to read, man. So that's a. That's a roadblock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Jack Horner]

No, it's actually the vaccine that got it. Oh, yeah. Hashtag died suddenly.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Let's do it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

This guy knows how to crush in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. Chat.

[Jack Horner]

I am vaccinated, though. Let's do it. Yeah, let's. I encourage that. Okay. Yeah. Hi, Stav. I'm a big fan. It's nice to meet you.

[Stavros Halkias]

Good job. Good to meet you, man. That was funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your fan base right here.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's incredible. I love you, Stavros.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. I don't have a very strong base, that's for sure. Anybody? Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's tough to sell tickets when your fan base can't read, so I gotta give Sabros a lot of.

[Stavros Halkias]

A lot of pictures. A lot. Just posters of me and an arrow pointing to a fucking theater.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

A link. Click the fucking link.

[Jack Horner]

I prefer popups, personally. If you can do that. Popup books, anybody? Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Fucking working beats over there. Hell, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You're like Bill Durham.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, hey, that's funny. Yeah. I think my dick's way bigger than that guy, so. 13 inches, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. You're non stop. You're like Louis cp.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hey, Cerebral palsy ladies. For those of you that can't read,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cerebral palsy, me and that guy have

[Jack Horner]

a lot in common. That's for sure.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah. You are killing it. You are doing it. This is what this show is all about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it when people. You know, it's something that always happens. Like, I. I hear a lot of people go, yeah, you know, Tony, you know, he loves, like, retarded people. But they're funnier than normal people.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Literally funnier. Like, in the room, off stage, in real life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, Heath is funnier. Aaron Belial is funnier. Michael Lair was funnier.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

This is a perfect example.

[Jack Horner]

I'm sorry, could you say that a little bit slower? I didn't quite get it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, you son of a. You son of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's talk about it. Do you really get prostitutes?

[Jack Horner]

I. I have. I mean, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, there's nothing better than a real honest dancer, dude. You can write, you can perform, but you can't beat.

[Jack Horner]

Well, okay, listen, what's worse? A prostitute or, like, pretending to be nice to some fat girl you're never gonna see again? You know, let's be real, guys. Let's be real. Either way, I'm spending money that I shouldn't spend.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Jack fucking Horner.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for. Too kind. Yeah. They're just doing this. Cause I'm gonna kill myself later. Right?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you thought about that before? Is that a real thing?

[Jack Horner]

I mean, I'm on some medications that cause some side effects. So I don't know where that. Like the medication line and like the. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I have to wait until after I'm famous. So after this airs in, like, two weeks, I might do it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Stavros Halkias]

Who's gonna help you on the stool? Who's gonna kick the stool out from under you? Hang himself? All right, I'll take it out.

[Jack Horner]

No, it's a. It's a building. I think like a skyscraper. I don't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Skyscraper?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, that'd be cool, right?

[Hans Kim]

Okay.

[Jack Horner]

Just, like, surprise some people.

[Stavros Halkias]

Elevator. Yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, for sure.

[Spencer Ward]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Jack, how do you. How do you make a living? What goes on here?

[Jack Horner]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about a day in the life of Jack Horner.

[Jack Horner]

I literally just got fired today. Isn't that crazy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got fired today?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Day. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it, please.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, I was a police officer. My knees weren't strong enough. Anybody? Yeah, yeah. No. It's because I was in blackface, Tony. Trying to relate to the community a little bit more. You know, heal the divide.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are hilarious. So tell us, what's your, like, living situation like? Tell us more. I want to know more about you.

[Jack Horner]

So I live in, like, a studio, like, a really small Studio that's fairly nice because it's a part of some government program that has nothing to do with my disability. Okay. It's like, it's cheaper rent because they want, like, young professionals to move to office. Boston. So. Yeah, it's like. It's. It's not bad. There's, like, a pool that I don't go to, but there's lots of hot chicks there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you go to the pool?

[Jack Horner]

I can't swim, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't?

[Jack Horner]

No.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Wait, come on.

[Jack Horner]

Well, I mean, I. I should try, though, you know, because, like, gravity is, like, less of a thing in water, right?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, yeah, you could be one of the best female swimmers.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah. Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The thing now you can do.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, unfortunately, I'm on hormone replacement therapy right now, so that's going to kill a lot of my edge. And also, I go in blackface, too,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

so I don't know black face for that, too. You don't want to do black face

[Kill Tony Announcer]

at the swimming pool. You might forget how to swim if you do that.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, but I'm not drowning up here, right, guys? Killing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jack Horner]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

What.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Okay, Jack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What do you do, like, through your normal day? I want to know more. You don't know.

[Jack Horner]

So I. I like to fancy myself an intellectual. I like to. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jack Horner]

I can't read very good, but I go on audible a lot. And Libby, the library app where you listen to audiobooks. I watch a lot of political videos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pollutant.

[Jack Horner]

Political. Okay. God damn it. That was so sad, wasn't it? Political. Yeah. Anyway, I like movies, too. That's another big thing of mine. Yeah. Big movie bluff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your favorite movie of all time?

[Jack Horner]

So I would say it's probably Boyhood by Richard Lincoln. And Pulp Fiction is another good one. Pulp fiction. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Absolutely. 100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. And what about. What about Stand Up? How long have you been doing it?

[Jack Horner]

So I think four years. Yeah. Like, my first two years were in Missouri, where you get to do it, like, once a week. And a couple of years ago, I moved to Austin. I couldn't sign up for this as much because of my job, but that's not a problem anymore, right, guys? Yeah. Unemployed. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was your actual job?

[Jack Horner]

I sold phones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You sold phones?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wait, those are the young professionals. They want to move to Austin?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fucking T Mobile employees.

[Jack Horner]

All right, I won't say which one it was, but it was better than T Mobile. God damn it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

You still have pride for the company.

[Cam Patterson]

That just Shit. Canned. You?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. They said they'd use me as, like, I could use them as a reference. So, you know, I shouldn't say like, what their name is. Wait, no, no. I'm going to be a famous comedian, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That company, I'm guessing it wasn't Sprint.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, yeah, I probably said that last

[Jack Horner]

time you were on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, yeah, that makes sense.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah. No, it was funnier this time too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

So, crying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. Jack, what do you. What are some goals. What are some short term goals in your life?

[Jack Horner]

Short. I want to get laid. Get that? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, come on.

[Jack Horner]

Top shelf.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I want top shelf.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, top shelf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think you can reach that.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, yeah, maybe. I mean, the women I like are usually under 5ft tall, if you know what I'm saying, Tony. Okay, I don't even know what I'm saying. Right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, why is everybody groaning? What did you say?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

He tried to beat the out of you right now.

[Jack Horner]

I don't think you could. I bet I could take.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, you son of a. I, I don't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Redban]

You're not fit at all, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Look at. Yeah, I'm not fit. I'm not fit and I'm gay. You might have a chance.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, just take your penis out. It'll distract him.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yes, yes.

[Jack Horner]

My penis would be distracting because it's very large, right?

[Hans Kim]

Really?

[Jack Horner]

13 inches? Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crooked.

[Jack Horner]

It doesn't matter if it's 13 inches, right? It's just the angle that, you know, the chick has to be in. Like, if she's like this way, then it works.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Okay. It's true.

[Stavros Halkias]

So true, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is your, what is your favorite sexual position? Is it?

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, that's actually one of the cool things about being handicapped is that you don't have to do anything. You know, I just kind of lay there, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Jack Horner]

And then she kind of.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You're normal if you're laying down.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Is that what you do when the prostitute comes in? You're just already laying there, like, come in?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, well, totally normal guy here. Do what you shall do.

[Jack Horner]

Okay, well, I, I, I do make them undress me, right? Like, is that if I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that bad, you make them undress you?

[Jack Horner]

Well, they, it's not like, undress me right now. I'm not assertive about it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

But you kind of just lay there

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

while they undress you. Like they're like changing a baby or something.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wearing a diaper as well.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's a bag of water over Your back.

[Jack Horner]

Yeah. It's called a golden shower, Tony. You can pretend like you don't know about it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, I. I live by that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do you really have a giant penis? Is that true?

[Jack Horner]

I mean, comparatively, to, like, my body?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, it's very, very.

[Jack Horner]

I think it's. It's bigger than people think it is, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, that's nice, dude.

[Jack Horner]

It's. I think it's like a 6.1 from the base, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Of course I know about the base measuring method. Yeah, I know all about the base measuring method.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, man. But no, I do have, like, really hairy pubes, though. So that kind of like. Because I don't like, I'm scared to shave my pubes, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why are you scared to shave them?

[Jack Horner]

Because you people. You could nick your dick, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I bet. But with manscaped, that is not a problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, and if you use the code kill Tony, you save 20 off the new hedge trimmer four point.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's a 4.0, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

4.0.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's a new update.

[Jack Horner]

Wow.

[Redban]

And get the nose and ears trimmer. You could use it on your butt.

[Jack Horner]

Y. I honestly didn't know that you guys sold that. That's crazy. That's cool.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

We don't really sell it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They just.

[Jack Horner]

They're like a sponsor.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, it sells itself. I mean, it's an unbelievable product. It's like we're sales people.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is so much better at ads than comedy.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I should hire some writers from zip recruiter. There you go. No doubt about it. And get them energized with some B12 plus caffeine toothpicks by Zippix, everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's absolutely incredible.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

No doubt about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can use them anywhere. You know, you don't have to go outside to smoke. You can use them inside the red rose and the yellow rose while firing

[Kill Tony Announcer]

off a gel blaster, while getting an IV drip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And ordering your car while fully secure from us.

[Redban]

Take all your photos and send it to your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your whatever frame.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Your picture frame.

[Jack Horner]

Everything you just said about that product is also true for cocaine. Am I right, guys? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do cocaine anywhere.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do cocaine.

[Jack Horner]

Am I on cocaine? No, I'm not. I'm broke. I just lost my job, you know?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Right.

[Jack Horner]

If I. If I was employed, I'd definitely be on co.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you do blow away when there's a strong wind.

[Jack Horner]

No, I see what you did there. Yeah, I know. I honestly, yeah, like, I have been knocked down by strong wind before. Like, but okay, I'm from. I'm from, like, the Midwest there's, like, lots of tornadoes, so, you know, it's not 100% my fault, right?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You're amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a very funny guy. And I'm noticing you're an extremely strong improviser. So I'm gonna do something really, really fun for you. I'm going to book you here at the mothership for tomorrow night's Bottom of the Barrel show.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hell y, little boy.

[Jack Horner]

Thank you, man. That's really.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

And guess what else you get? You get to do. You get to do a mediocre show, too.

[Jack Horner]

Watch this.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Ao love to have you back on the secret show Thursday. I would love that. Oh, look at that.

[Jack Horner]

So much, guys. Oh, stop.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You thought the ceilings were high for you. Wait till you're 410 so high for

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at an angle like that.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There he goes. The hunch crack of Notre Dame, everybody.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell, yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

He's already. You already got joke. But look at him crip walking out of here. What a stud. Unbelievable. You guys having fun tonight, huh? Jack Horner, comedy on social media. There he goes. And another name out of the bucket. We're getting through a lot of bucket polls tonight. A lot of new faces. Make some noise for Jackson Leon, everybody. Jackson Leon live here until.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony.

[Spencer Boone]

What's up, y'?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All?

[Jackson Leon]

I've never gotten a tattoo in my life, so I've been thinking about getting a tattoo. My favorite quote, it's comparison, is the thief of joy. I'm gonna put it right above my penis. Just so these women know. When I was younger, me and my mom were watching the Karate Kid, and it's that scene where the old man's teaching the kids slave labor. You know, it was the first movie. I'm not talking about Jaden Smith like that, but, you know, it's wax on, wax off. My mom, moment of brilliance. She goes, oh, it's like Jackson jacks off. I thought it was funny. So I went and told all my friends, I'm in ninth grade. In the next four years, everyone's talking about my masturbation addiction. It's really fucked up. Teachers are like, people are saying you're jacking off in school. No, I jacked off in school.

[Hans Kim]

School.

[Jackson Leon]

Tried it once. It's not really fun to do that. Institutionalized. How many of y' all fuck with bluechew? We got boner gum now. It's pretty sick. I like to use it, but I like to use it for pranks. I prank my friends because I gave it to them a few times, and now I just give them normal blue gum and suck Their hard dick. Thank you, Jackson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Leon, welcome to the show. Jackson.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's so exciting to have two Stavroses on stage at the same time.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know what the is going on.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Unbelievable. I don't know what you did, Stavros, but you have all these people thinking they can do stand up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Welcome to the Stavros verse.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh. Oh my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's just one after the other. This is incredible.

[Jackson Leon]

20 more years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Stoppers. You are better looking than all of them though. I will let you know. You look like you're filled with vitamins. He has that red band gray tint to him.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

He does, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't get a lot of sunlight, do you? Not a lot of vitamin D, huh? You stay indoors. I deliver pizza.

[Jackson Leon]

So I'm inside the car all day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Deliver pizza. And then what do you do when you're at home?

[Jackson Leon]

Eat some of that leftover pizza.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hell yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Can I ask one question? Who do you think you're fooling with a tucked in shirt is what I'd like to. That's a fellow fat guy.

[Cam Patterson]

There we go.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, there.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's an issue.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Look at that body.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's an issue.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

We're trying to hide it with a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

man who delivers pizza and when at home eats pizza.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

A true life of pie you're living.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. How long have you been doing this

[Kill Tony Announcer]

pizza on pizza on pizza lifestyle?

[Jackson Leon]

I've worked at a few different pizza places. Right.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is incredible. This is actually. Can you name some of this? The past pizza places?

[Jackson Leon]

Past Shout Out, Dunorth Pizza, Two Harbors, second place out of two pizza places in town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, okay.

[Jackson Leon]

Name some more Domino's pizza.

[Jack Horner]

O.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Okay.

[Jackson Leon]

And then the other Domino's pizza that I work on now.

[Celia Contreras]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So a true dominoes guy through and through.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing standup?

[Jackson Leon]

A year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A year? All of it here in Austin, Texas? Six months here, six months here. Where were you at before?

[Jackson Leon]

Before that first set I did was in D.C. i moved down here from Minnesota, so I did a handful of sets down or up there. Now I'm here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. What do you love about Austin?

[Jackson Leon]

Well, way more comedy opportunities pretty much anywhere right now. The weather's nice. Although all summer that was unbearable.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People like you have a rough summer here.

[Jackson Leon]

Oh yeah, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah. How did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do to survive it?

[Jackson Leon]

Well, for a month I lived right across the street from Park Certain Creek and get like brain and eating amoeba and cool down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you would go and you Would go into the creek.

[Jackson Leon]

I didn't have a shower for that month either, so. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you not have a shower?

[Jackson Leon]

I could go to anytime Fitness and shower. I paid them, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anytime Fitness?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah. I've never showered. Is this a thing? Yeah.

[Redban]

Homeless people actually get gym memberships just to use their shower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Think up the place. Absolutely. Okay. Thank you.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Redband Must be one why I don't

[William Montgomery]

go to the gym.

[Redban]

Gym, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Whatever it takes.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Anytime Fitness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, what a dump. It's incredible.

[Jackson Leon]

Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ever do anything else there?

[Jackson Leon]

Did fitness sometimes, but, like, what kind

[Kill Tony Announcer]

of fitness did you do? Can you give us a breakdown of your type of full pizza.

[Stavros Halkias]

He likes to do fitness. Penis in his mouth.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hello. It is true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is true.

[Jackson Leon]

Not actually, but hell, yeah, I do.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I go to the gym just to do pushbacks when I grind. All right, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You know what that sound means, everybody? Okay. What's your love life like? Is there any goth obese woman that is crawling into.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Crawling into your car with you?

[Jackson Leon]

No, it's pre pandemic. Pandemic. It's been a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pre pandemic.

[Spencer Boone]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Wow. My goodness.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Pre pan.

[Jackson Leon]

Yeah, we're just rolling, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I mean, this is just life, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Jackson Leon]

Like, I ain't even trying to get a relationship. I'm just trying to, you know, deliver pies, make a little money, make some people laugh.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bread, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, stacking. Brad, I'm gonna.

[Stavros Halkias]

Sorry. I just. I see this, man. It's in his. I see. Just step one, get bigger shirts. That's what's gonna happen, right? You're. It's not coming. You're not a large anymore, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is.

[Stavros Halkias]

You need a couple X's in there. All right, that's number one. Just fit clothes that fit that. You'll be surprised how much more you'll believe in yourself. You know, when you're not scared your little belly's gonna pop, pop, pop out. You know what I mean? All right, yeah, that's step one. And then also maybe a shower place with a shower. Maybe step two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt.

[Jackson Leon]

One now.

[Cam Patterson]

Huh?

[Jackson Leon]

I have one now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that vest you're wearing as well seems ridiculously small.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Do those.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do those buttons button? Is that possible? Let's hear the drum roll. Let's see these buttons.

[Cam Patterson]

Let's go.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right, this is the moment. Oh, look at that. Sucking.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, whoa.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh. Keep going, keep going, keep going. We're. I want you to button all those buttons. And then we're going to try to make you laugh and see if we can't bust these things. Oh, my God. Ladies. It's like a corset.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's like a corset for a white trash guy. Oh, my God. Get over here. Face me, face me. Let me see that. Oh, my God. Can you do the top one? Can we get the top one? Oh. Welcome to another episode of no Chance.

[Stavros Halkias]

No Chance.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, my God. Come on, come on. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Oh, there goes the mic. He needs two hands for this. Oh, my God. Stavros is gonna help him. Oh, my God. He might die, ladies and gentlemen. He's getting a rear naked choked by a shirt right now. Oh, it's impossible. Okay, now let me ask you this,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

or stick with me over here. Jackson, do you think now are. Those are like.

[Stavros Halkias]

That looks like a teddy bear's clothes, dude. Looks like you stole that off a man mannequin of a ventriloquist dummy.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Do you think it's possible for you to, like, get fat right now and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And ex and blow those buttons?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Cover your eyes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Flex.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, we're good, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a little bit stretchy. A little bit stretchy. Absolutely incredible.

[Jackson Leon]

Oh, I can pull it off, bro.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Spencer Ward]

I'm sticking.

[Jackson Leon]

Single xl.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is that what that is? One X.

[Jackson Leon]

Yes, sir.

[Stavros Halkias]

Gotta be. Two. Gotta be too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, you got bumped up to another X. And you will be leaving here with an extra large joke book tonight.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Just because I liked your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I liked your interview.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I like your style. There he goes. Jackson Leon, everybody. All right, another bucket pole. We're flying through him tonight. Make some noise for Ali Musa, everybody. He's been on this show before. It's the return of Ali Musk Musa. Here's Ali Musa, everyone.

[Ali Musa]

All right, so I've been going to the gym a lot lately. This weird happened at the gym where I walked in the bathroom and I noticed that somebody carved on the wall. They didn't write it. They carved it like it was a tree, so I knew they meant it. It said I love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think it's funny either.

[Ali Musa]

I thought it was inappropriate, though. So I did the gym a solid and I changed it to something more appropriate. So I changed it from I love cock to I love to cook. It's easier than you think. You change the second C to an O. You squeeze in a 2 after love I love to cook went back the next day. You guys, I walked in the bathroom and it said I love to cook cock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, what the fuck?

[Ali Musa]

I couldn't let him win. So I changed it to I love to cook cookies. I was like, game, set, match, motherfucker. Went back the next day and there was just a big swastika with the N word. They win, I guess.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Shit.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right, there it is. Ally. Musa.

[Ali Musa]

Yes.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You get up on this show a lot.

[Ali Musa]

This is like my fifth time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That's incredible. Are you this lucky in real life as well?

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I could tell by your face.

[Ali Musa]

Yes, of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible.

[Ali Musa]

My face got went viral from a clip on here.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ali Musa]

Someone sent me this video of when I did this Ben Shapiro joke and it had 400,000 views in like three days.

[Cam Patterson]

And I was like, hell yeah, I've made it.

[Ali Musa]

I read the comments. The top comment said he looks like if Lord Farquaad fucked Danny Trejo.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That is true. That is true.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It is unbelievable. It is incredible. Your look is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've covered this before.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

We've been on this show.

[Ali Musa]

I think I called you a melting magician last time. A melting magician.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

A melting magician. Yes. I agree with that as well. No doubt about it. This is why Zorro wore a mask, right?

[Cam Patterson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is a frightening, frightening face. You have to deal with it all the time.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might recognize Ally famous for being under your bed when you were a child.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is absolutely.

[Ali Musa]

It's weird cuz I didn't always look like this. I've like aged like oddly.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's just.

[Ali Musa]

I don't know what it is, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it is absolutely incredible. It's a good face to have when it's Halloween and you don't have to do you just go out? I just go out.

[Ali Musa]

Inigo Montoya. And then it just. It works.

[Stavros Halkias]

My costume is Antonio Banderas with Jaundice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like with a face like that? Is that a fetish? Are women into fucking fright?

[Stavros Halkias]

Right.

[Jackson Leon]

I don't know.

[Ali Musa]

I hooked up with a lot of big girls like I said last time.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Okay.

[Ali Musa]

Hooked up with a girl in San Antonio who looked like a Sopa p with legs. So that's where I'm at right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I don't know what that reference is,

[Kill Tony Announcer]

but Michael Gonzalez is dying, so it checks out. It's gonna hit hard with the Mexic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that was in San Antonio?

[Cam Patterson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

A while back, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well how about currently, like the last chick you hooked up with, what was that?

[Ali Musa]

Like, last chick I hooked up with was in Arizona and it was just boring, and it was my face. So, like, I mean, do you really want that visual, guys?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it was your face. I mean, just.

[Ali Musa]

You want to picture me hooking up with someone with this face?

[Spencer Ward]

Face is what I'm saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ali Musa]

All right, I'm bombing now.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Great. Do you have any more voices?

[Redban]

Like, do you have a new voice

that you can do?

[Stavros Halkias]

Us?

[Redban]

Oh, and.

[Ali Musa]

Oh, I do voices on here all the time, Chad. I've done all the best ones. I feel like, oh, I can kind of do the professor from the Simpsons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's. We've really run out of your voice, but let's hear it real quick. And then we're going. Here we are on the Kill Tony podcast, the most popular podcast in a live setting. Live and lay. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. Here's some Zippix toothpicks.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You've been on this show a bunch of times. Love to have you on the secret show. Ali Musa, everybody. There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give me that name over there.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Got another bucket pole. We're flying through them tonight. Makes the most fear. Next comedian, one minute uninterrupted. Going to Tyler Gilbert, everybody. Tyler Gilbert. Here we go. You guys still having fun? You want me to end the show? What's going on out there? Tyler Gilbert, everybody.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Hey, guys. I'm from a small town in Idaho, but for the last couple years, I was living in the big city, Boise. We have 11 homeless people there, so. And even they, like, sleep in a bed every night, so I don't even know how homeless they are here. I get off work on 6th street, and I'm literally like, oh, fuck. Sorry, man. They're just everywhere out here. The other thing is homeless people here. Oof. Homeless means you don't have a home. These people don't have six months left, and no one gives a shit, which is fine. Homeless dude the other night, he's, like, wrapped up in a beach towel. He's just like. He didn't actually have any teeth, but I could hear his gum slapping together. And then five feet away, some homeless or. Sorry, some girls. Like, this Uber is taking forever. This night fucking sucks. Like, have a heart. You know I gave you that guy 20 bucks, and let me tell you, those gums felt nice. All right, guys, that's gonna be my minute. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there he is, Tyler Gilbert. How's it going, Tyler?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Good, good. Nervous?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're nervous. How long you been doing standup?

[Tyler Gilbert]

About three weeks now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About three weeks. That is incredible. Oh, Some lady loves you. Is that your mom?

[Tyler Gilbert]

No. No, it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I know. Oh, there's one. We found one. We're looking for a female comedian.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

This is how many names I had to go through.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz we haven't had a female up tonight. I literally was paying no attention to your stupid set. The entire Time Depot affects the outcome of your entire career. This moment.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By us trying to balance the scales of justice.

[Tyler Gilbert]

That's fate.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

White man being held back by a diverse lineup.

[Tyler Gilbert]

You have no idea what I'm up against, being so white. Yeah, it's tough out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a rag attached to your leg right now, are you.

[Tyler Gilbert]

I work at Shakespeare's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Tyler Gilbert]

24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24. And you're over there, what, bus and bartending?

[Tyler Gilbert]

What's going on? Door guy?

[Hans Kim]

Yep.

[Tyler Gilbert]

A little bit of everything, but yeah, door guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you lived in Austin?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Three weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three weeks, yeah. Moved here three weeks ago, got a job at Shakespeare's. And here you are on Kill Tony.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Yep, that's how. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

So you came to Austin to start stand up comedy?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Actually, I had a lifelong dream of being a door guy at Shakespeare's.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you move from?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Boise. Idaho.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, that's right. And there you were. And there you were.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

No, I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And where. What did you do there?

[Tyler Gilbert]

I was a wildland firefighter up there. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of firefighter?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Wildland.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wildland. What does that mean exactly?

[Tyler Gilbert]

So when the wildland lights on fire, we go out there with.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Can you describe to us what exactly wildland is? Is that. I mean, Idaho's a little bit different. Is Wildland where what, a black person

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

lives or something like that?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

No, it's fucking wild out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

We don't go to that part.

[Tyler Gilbert]

We make sure we don't have any of those out there.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I know, that's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Tyler Gilbert]

But yeah, forest fires. Forest land. BLM land. Not that. Blm. Bureau of Land Management.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Ah, there you go. It comes full circle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely, absolutely. The BLM that really matters. You know what I mean? The Bureau of Land and. And Measurements or whatever the fuck you say. So 24, tell us what it's like being a 24 year old in today's society. You on TikTok?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You out here chasing Pokemon?

[Tyler Gilbert]

I'm actually okay with all of that. Cause like, if those pussies are my competition, then, you know it's not. It's going pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah, dude. There Was a guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, dude, you're a real tough guy.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Really though it is hard to hang out with people my age. It is.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's.

[Tyler Gilbert]

It's tough.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Why?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Because they're.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Tough guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

What the are you talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Describe to us some ways that you're not a. Give us some of the toughest things about you, Tyler.

[Tyler Gilbert]

I work out. I drink Jameson. I don't complain about. I don't really know. That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us some real ones. Keep going.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Come on, keep going.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hell yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Keep it real. Keep it real, Tyler. Keep it honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have to be silly here. I want to know real tough guy things about you. There was a guy up here earlier that had cerebral palsy whose dick is

[Kill Tony Announcer]

three times bigger than yours. So you have a lot of catching up to do.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Yeah, well, I can't promise everyone that I have a big dick. I guess you'll have to take my word for it. But I don't know, I. I guess I just don't complain about little things. I don't.

[Redban]

I don't know.

[Tyler Gilbert]

I don't know. Makes me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Participation trophies.

[Spencer Ward]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever do anything gay before? This was a question that came up a couple weeks ago. We had a lot of fun with that.

[Tyler Gilbert]

I have not done anything remotely gay.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's kind of not believable. I've never done anything remotely gay. Yeah, I don't believe I.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Women, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Sure you do. Bar men. Back mountain over here. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tony has a button he presses, he just falls to the floor.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Falls to the floor.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get him out of here. 6.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Give me something gay or give me nothing at all. No joke book for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Okay, what's the straightest thing you've ever done?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Probably having sex with a woman. Woman? Not a couple times. Yeah, about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? 24 year old. I'd imagine you're a massive temperature ejaculator.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Yeah, it's pretty quick. It's like. Have you ever seen like a bowl? Like mate. It's just like one big like and then. Yeah, that's about it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm hard as a rock right now, so. Interesting. So it's true. You do come really fast. Is there something you try to do to prevent that? Do you think of anything or anyone

[Tyler Gilbert]

like a. I definitely like don't open my eyes or kiss them or like touch them in any way, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

I feel like that'll sounds really straight to me.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Take it back, man.

[Stavros Halkias]

You sound straight. As hell.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hell, yeah. That's what I do when I'm with women, too.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Hinchcliffe Method.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's Peyton Manning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Tyler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Okay. Three weeks here in Austin. You came from Idaho, which is nothing. Burger land of nothing. So three weeks. What's the craziest thing you've seen working on 6th street in three weeks?

[Tyler Gilbert]

A lot of horror activity out there.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, yes.

[Tyler Gilbert]

A lot of that.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Uh huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more. Describe it.

[Tyler Gilbert]

I actually, I met a girl last night. She was like, you should come over and stay the night. And I was like, cool, where do you live? She told me she lives in Dallas. I don't have a car. She told me I could take the train there, which I think would be the most down. Bad way to get pussy. Just take a train. But those are the kind of women that are out here, though, is take a train and fuck me kind of people. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From bar back to Amtrak.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I love it. Yeah, yeah. Night changes very quickly.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm sorry, you met her here?

[Tyler Gilbert]

Yep.

[Stavros Halkias]

And she was like, come to Dallas?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

How?

[Stavros Halkias]

But she was here.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

How did she get to Dallas? She was going to drive back and ask you to take a train.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Well, she was staying with her friend, but she was like, you should come over in like the next couple days.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, Gotcha.

[Redban]

Gotcha.

[Stavros Halkias]

She couldn't have sucked you off then and there?

[Tyler Gilbert]

That's what I suggested, but I thought that would have been a lot easier for everybody.

[Hans Kim]

But yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Tyler Gilbert]

But the train ticket has been bought, so. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. All right, Tyler, congratulations. Welcome to the show. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You're three weeks in. There's a little joke book.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Whoa. Good sign, folks. Not a good sign for his future.

[Stavros Halkias]

That omen.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There he goes. Tyler Gilbert, everybody. Okay. And I had to go through about 50 or 60 names to be able to find our first and only female

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

comedian of the night. Oh, Celia was up.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You son of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are worthless at your job.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Shut up, dude. I asked you. Well, we're going to knock it out anyway. Make some noise for Carly Anderson, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Carly Anderson]

I'm bisexual, but you already knew that. I look like the kind of girl that would go, hey, smell my finger. I just recently figured out that there are different types of vaginas. What I mean by this is some are a little more organized than others, and some are like the kid in school that would just shove a bunch of papers in his backpack. It's cool. She still does her homework. I went out on a date with a Zodiac girl recently who asked to guess my zodiac sign. I was like, yeah, sure, go ahead. She's like, you're a Taurus, right? I'm like, yeah, how'd you know, you fucking witch? She's like, oh, I can tell because you have broad shoulders. Like, oh, interesting. Are you a Libra by chance? Because you're a huge cunt. Oh, that's my time, thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, 50 seconds from Carly Anderson. Welcome. You've been on this show before, right? Carly flirted with the Ovan.

[Carly Anderson]

I did flirt with Theo Vaughn.

[Celia Contreras]

Yes.

[Stavros Halkias]

Same haircut.

[Carly Anderson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He did not respond.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was not buying what you were selling.

[Carly Anderson]

No, he was not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was in this world of buy. What's the about 50, 50 guys to girls? How does that work for you?

[Carly Anderson]

I would say 80. 20 guys to girls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

80 guys, that sounds about right. The thing that nature intended for you.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the 20 when it's a girl is that just when a guy's like mean to you and you're like, I just need to someone to emotionally connect with and maybe we'll finger each other too.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Right, right.

[Carly Anderson]

When I'm down bad like a lesbian,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like it almost seems like it's just like having a, like a, like a vibrator that's a human kind of like hanging out with a toy.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Right, Right.

[Carly Anderson]

Yeah. No, I think I just have such a specific type in women that I don't come across often. And that's where that 20%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Describe that 20% of women to us. This guy's going to jerk off right now.

[Carly Anderson]

Nice, dude. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I, I little bit tattoo covered, little Austin gothy, but like gothy but hip,

[Carly Anderson]

but, but like not liberal and that's hard to find. Like you, you like you, you know, look.

[Stavros Halkias]

Why is that bad? Who gives a. You're just gonna eat her. Who cares how she votes?

[Carly Anderson]

I don't know, I, I, I just kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of them are red at least one week out of the month.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

The rare that is conservative period joke, everybody. Hell yeah.

[Carly Anderson]

Yeah, Definitely the tattoos and the alternative looking women, but not like in your face about politics and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. That sounds interesting that you're a right leaning bisexual.

[Carly Anderson]

I know. No, it's really such a treat, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what's your favorite experience with a woman that you've ever had? Were you in a relationship at one point? Perhaps? Maybe something that lasted more than four or five days until the arguing absolutely took over everything because it's impossible for those things to sustain and they don't really exist in normal society. Even though people try to make it look like they do so they can make themselves seem more interesting than they actually are. Keep going. Go ahead, answer this.

[Carly Anderson]

Female relationships move a little too fast. Like, a month in lesbian is like a year in straight. Like, it's too fast. So I don't typically find another girl that's willing to move at a healthy pace.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's why you need liberal bitches.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

They're not trying to fight.

[Stavros Halkias]

You want a Republican with tattoos, they're trying to get married. No, dude, no. Not even some godless tattooed whore.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's what you need.

[Carly Anderson]

Yeah, you're right. Anyone out there?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Hello?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no one's slower than a liberal lady.

[Celia Contreras]

It's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so, Carly, 80% guys, 20 girls. We covered that. What do you do for a living?

[Carly Anderson]

I am a stripper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Celia Contreras]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Carly Anderson]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like what? Like. Okay, he's like. I'm sorry, what are you like a paint stripper? Like, what are we talking about here?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I can't imagine.

[Carly Anderson]

No, I get on the pole.

[Celia Contreras]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? So you're a full time strip?

[Carly Anderson]

I am, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. How long have you been doing that for?

[Carly Anderson]

Six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six months. You love it?

[Carly Anderson]

I love the money of it, obviously, but I don't know, I find it really entertaining to say the least.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay. What's the most money you've made in one night?

[Carly Anderson]

5,000.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And so what did you have to do for that to happen? Happen.

[Carly Anderson]

So if you've ever been to a strip club, you know, they have the back room cabanas and they're pretty pricey. It's about 1200 an hour. So I just got a few hours with this dude. And he was heavily autistic.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

He just.

[Carly Anderson]

He wanted to know every little detail about the job and my life. And we just talked music and food and travel, and he actually paid me to go put my regular people clothes on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That sounds about right. Yeah, that's. That's what I would pay you to do.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Put some regular people clothes on and put this dildo on the inside of your pants.

[Stavros Halkias]

My kind of strip club. Yeah.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

And say your name is Uncle Laser. Can we see some moves? Can we see some stripper moves? I literally stopped you from doing that a minute ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are.

[Carly Anderson]

And don't act like you don't view my Instagram story.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There's not a button on that board that's going to save you right now. I don't know what you're planning on hitting. Do not hit that. There's a comedy show going On. Oh, my God. A rough episode for Red Band tonight. Oh, my goodness.

[Redban]

I'm never not wearing a hat again. Like, that's what happens.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's what it is.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what you think it is?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's what I think it is.

[Jack Horner]

Oh, man.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Man,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Well, Carly, fun times. Great stuff. Yeah, I. You know what? It doesn't seem like maybe. Maybe we should. Can you show us what you move like on stage? Can we actually see that?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Just hit music.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hit it.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Turn it up. Red Band.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's as bad as.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Like, they'll stop there. Stop there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna give you. Do you have a big joke book already?

[Carly Anderson]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, here you go. You got one now. Boom, there she goes.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Charlie Anderson, everybody, by the way.

[Cam Patterson]

Hold on.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, I just love that. I love that. We're like, we gotta get a woman on. We have to get some women up, do comedy. And then Redman's like, maybe. Maybe shake your tits at us real fast.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Oh, look at that.

[Celia Contreras]

I'll be there.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Look at that. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All right. Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going over there? Okay, well, we've come to that point

[Kill Tony Announcer]

of the show, ladies and gentlemen, where there's nothing else we could possibly do. I mean, we've been through it all tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys have fun tonight.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Come to that hour where there's only one person in the world that could possibly put a ribbon on this thing. He's the record holder for all time appearances in the history of the show. An absolute legend of the game. The only living member of the Kill Tony hall of Fame. Some people call him the Tijuana Tarantula.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Memphis Strangler, The Harlem Globetrotter.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

The Brooklyn Brawler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. Ladies and gentlemen, this is him. The man in the himself, William Montgomery, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

I'm. I'm. I'm also bisexual, but y' all already knew that. Melania Trump was critiqued for being the only first lady not wearing black at 4. Former first lady Rosalynn Carter's funeral. But to be fair, Melania thought that no longer being married to a president was something to celebrate. New York Congressman George Santos just got kicked out of Congress for lying and stealing, which honestly surprised the hell out of me because I thought lying and stealing were job requirements for being a US Congress. His mom died in the Holocaust and his dad was the Pope. Show the guy some respect, America. Recently a skydiver got decapitated when he jumped out of the plane. Ripcord? More like rip spinal cord. Several months ago, a woman was arrested for using a vibrator on a Georgia beach. And last week she was found dead in her apartment from a self inflicted gun. Gunshot wound to the head. Red ban. I just want to express my deepest condolences about your mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude,

[Kill Tony Announcer]

you bitch.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, that's my time.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

William Montgomery with 1 minute and 25 seconds of absolute thunder and lightning. As always an imposing force, he's done it more than anybody. He continues to do it. It's such a high pace.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The crowd.

[William Montgomery]

Shut up. What the fuck is going on? Seriously, don't this up. Whoever's doing that, whatever dumbass is doing that, stop.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

William is fired up right from the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

get a lot of extra energy tonight. Cancer fully gone. Full cancer survivor. 2 time cancer survivor. Survivor.

[William Montgomery]

I am the best pound for pound cancer fighter the doctor had ever sued.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That is true.

[Redban]

Absolutely.

[William Montgomery]

That was actually a lie, you dumbasses. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, absolutely murdering. Everything you set up here was true. Tonight, an amazing performance. Stavros, you've seen William before, correct?

[Jackson Leon]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cute guy. You got a twinkle in your eye. I love it, dude.

[Redban]

Stavros, that honestly is probably one of the best things I could have heard because I swear to God, I've been watching this whole thing up in the green room and I was thinking to myself, you're kind of a cute guy as well.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's awesome.

[William Montgomery]

I'm serious. That really just brightened up my night. I'm in the stairwell back there before the thing. I got a little too high.

[Redban]

I'm getting real nervous.

[William Montgomery]

I'm thinking I'm going to bomb.

[Stavros Halkias]

And then.

[William Montgomery]

But you saying that right now, seriously, thank you so much.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're welcome. And thank you for saying that about me too.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, for sure. Oh my gosh.

[Redban]

And Stavros, I. I promise that first thing I said on my thing tonight, I am bisexual.

[William Montgomery]

So maybe after the show.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, whatever. Tony blow you. Was that seven, eight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six or seven?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

That's good.

[William Montgomery]

You couldn't handle that. Dude, it's hot.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

William, if you were to do something

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with Stavros tonight, if you were to take him back to your place and romance him.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Let's say that your girlfriend was out of town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would you do with Stavros?

[William Montgomery]

I would bend your ass over the count.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Okay. Straight into it. No foreplay whatsoever. Just jam it on in there, spit

[William Montgomery]

on my hand, put my hand up in your butt.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

All just wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't like that man. That doesn't sound good.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Me gotta romance them a little bit. Got.

[William Montgomery]

Just throw your ass around right when we get up in there, start spitting on my hands. Just take your pants off, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I don't want you to my ass, William.

[William Montgomery]

Well, maybe we could get to that point at some point later on. I don't know.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Such an interesting order of events.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Spit on your hands and then have him take his pants off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, very interesting.

[William Montgomery]

Isn't that how you do it, Tony?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I mean, I, I. Yes, it is.

[William Montgomery]

Why aren't you laughing, bitch? That's the funniest thing I said all night. William, do something with your man. He's something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There's a beta version of Andrew Tate in the front row here. Very low testosterone. Andrew Tate, who's just with his arms crossed real good. Look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real cool guy. You are.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Let me see your fingers, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your fingers. Cool.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

William, you were on fire tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What is going on with you tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're. You have a bundle of energy. I don't know.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's fired up.

[William Montgomery]

It's that cereal. I swear to God, I have been taking so many shits just the past week. The All Brand Buds.

[Redban]

I again highly recommend the All Brand Christmas spirit.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

He has the Christmas food.

[William Montgomery]

Man, you sound dumb as tonight, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Idiot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wearing that purple.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William Montgomery. One of the most unbelievable forces of nature in the show's history. Hold on.

[William Montgomery]

What'd you just say? What are you talking about?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

I'm staring at your fucking dude right there. And then you start talking. I was thinking, y' all look fucking weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is.

[Hans Kim]

Don't they?

[William Montgomery]

A little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is an adorable couple.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

You guys live about 40, 50 minutes

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

away from here, am I correct? Somewhere like that. St. Louis. Yep. Okay, perfect. The real burbs fake and shake. Okay, so, William, what else is going on this week? Anything else other than the All Fiber brand buzz?

[William Montgomery]

That's pretty much it, Tony.

[Redban]

No, I'm just getting prepared for next week. Doing the shows in Rosemont, Chicago. We're gonna see. We're gonna see how it goes.

[Jackson Leon]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Redban]

I'm a little worried. Things have been kind of not looking good for me recently. I got this job working for this. It was like a. It's a place where you can play putt putt. It's a place where you can play laser tag bag. It's a place where they have these go karts. And I was in line to becoming the top guy, Tony, at the Go kart track. And then I get this phone call from this private number the other night, and they're like, we're not. You're not getting hired.

[William Montgomery]

So what are you looking for?

[Redban]

Red Band.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Yeah, I know. He's so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. It's an incredibly incredible episode for Red Band.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

He will literally do anything to crush any momentum or setup of anything that anyone else literally did not do anything. I know, but what could you possibly be looking up while he's doing?

[William Montgomery]

That was about to be the funniest thing I said all night.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

What were you about to do? Just nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was not. I was just looking through a soundboard.

[Redban]

That's what I do here.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Well, yeah, I know. And then you hit. Okay, you suck. Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Period app. So keep going. Keep going. No, you suck tonight.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It's not a period.

[Cam Patterson]

I have, by the way.

[Redban]

I have a period app. And every time he acts like a dick, I put it on the period app and it adds up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're bombing again.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I have a period app, everybody. A period it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You suck at your job. And when you do PC, it's called PC.

[Redban]

Look at it, dude.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Nobody gives Redban. All you do is bomb. And it's confused.

[William Montgomery]

What are you even talking?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Are you going to. Are you, like, going to edit in laughter after these things you do tonight,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

why don't you just stop talk, take the beating that you deserve, and then we move on?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Sometimes you're great. Tonight was just not one of your nights. You. It happens sometimes.

[Tyler Gilbert]

Period.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

I have to say the last word again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. You know, you've always been right about him.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

William. I've never said that, but I've always agreed with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've enjoyed it. That's why I've never stopped.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

It stopped the momentum of the entire thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm just curious. Putt putt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, keep going. About the putt putt.

[Stavros Halkias]

It has laser tag. It has putt putt. It has golf carts.

[Spencer Boone]

What else?

[Redban]

Laser tag, putt putt. A lot of arcade games. All different kinds of stuff you could do inside in there. And I get this call from this private number, and they're like, william, we're sorry. We were looking at all the resumes. There's somebody who has just a better record than you right now. And so they chose the other guy. So, Tony, I don't know. I might have to cancel the sets in Chicago. I might have to move back to Memphis. I think I might be done with all this. That's kind of the writing on the wall. Things have been going real bad with this. I don't get the job, I might have to move back in with Larry and Francis and Memphis Tony. So I didn't even want to bring this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wow. Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's because you're in second place at the laser tag and putt putt.

[Redban]

Yeah, I didn't get the job, Tony.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Wow, that sucks, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what else sucks? Me.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Cuz I'm gay.

[Cam Patterson]

Amen.

[Stavros Halkias]

Amen, brother

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William. Anything else before we put a ribbon on this? Until entire thing.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Whoa, look at that. The crowd goes wild. They absolutely love it. One of your many branding tricks that you have up your sleeve.

[Redban]

Shot.

[William Montgomery]

Shut up. What the.

[Hans Kim]

Ah.

[William Montgomery]

Somebody get those Mexicans out of here. Holy shit. How they get so close to the stage?

[Kill Tony Announcer]

They really are. You would think they would stop interrupting, but odds are that they ain't never

[William Montgomery]

going to stop interrupting.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

We did it again. There goes the great and powerful William Montgomery, everybody. Stavros Helas, everybody. Fat rascals out right now. Make some noises, Stos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks guys.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

Go watch it right now on Netflix. Gel blaster, Red rose, Yellow rose. Haul off from connect mobile health.com ninja party buses. Austin security guard service. Make some noise for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns, Matt Muling on the electric, John D's on the keys and D Madness on the bass guitar. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. He draws every episode while it is happening. Super cool, Ryan. Je belt.com for that or kill merch.com for all your kill Tony Merch. Check out the secret show at the

[Redban]

Sunset Strip atx.com every Thursday. Love you.

[Kill Tony Announcer]

There he goes. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much, everyone. Thank you. How about one more time for Red Band, everybody? Come on. Now that we're off the air. One more time for Red Band, everyone. Sam.