#641 - HOWIE MANDEL

Summary

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Kill Tony Episode #641 – Howie Mandel (December 18, 2023)

Main Theme / Overview

This episode of Kill Tony, recorded at Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas, features legendary comedian and TV host Howie Mandel in his first-ever appearance on the show. Host Tony Hinchcliffe and co-host Brian Redban helm the wild, unpredictable, and raw open mic showcase, where up-and-coming comedians get one minute each to impress the crowd and the celebrity panel—tonight with the iconic Howie Mandel, who brings his own magnetic and iconoclastic energy.

The episode is marked by its classic rapid-fire format, with comedians pulled from the bucket, unscripted interviews, playful roasting, and several unique Kill Tony traditions—including surprise phone calls to comics’ fathers and a high volume of dark humor, crowd work, and improvisational chaos.

As a Comedy Store legend, Howie Mandel sets the tone for the evening, reflecting on the roots of stand-up, what made comedy magical in the 70s, and why uncensored, risky comedy is necessary. The episode features multiple new comics, fan-favorite regulars, wild audience and comic interactions, and memorable unscripted moments, including heartfelt phone calls, heavy riffing, and Howie’s characteristic honesty and silliness.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Howie Mandel’s Opening Remarks About Comedy’s Raw Roots (13:30–15:40)

• Howie immediately jibes with the crew, expressing love for the show and reflecting on starting at the Comedy Store in the 70s:
  • "When I went to the comedy store in 1977, Richard Pryor would walk on the fucking stage... jaws would drop and he would shock. No such thing as political correctness. It’s fucking comedy." (14:58, Howie Mandel)
  • Howie laments the current LA scene’s "toughness" and celebrates Kill Tony for giving comics "a platform to do it right—funny, raw… you can say anything on this fucking show except, Tony, how you doing." (15:20, Howie Mandel)
• Howie soaks in the show’s energy and house band, joking about his early bird special and bingo plans.

2. Rules of the Show and Pre-Show Mayhem (16:08–19:32)

• Tony details the comic selection process and how comics wait in the bar next door (Shakespeare's).
• Banter about security kicking out audience members for being unruly (origin of the "don’t ask Tony how he’s doing" running gag), leading to jokes about the type of people who accidentally end up on the show.

3. Comedian Performances: Highlights and Panel Commentary

a. Hans Kim’s Set and Calling His Dad (20:23–36:46)

• Hans Kim delivers a set poking fun at racial stereotypes and Texas culture. His closing line about gay marriage and weed gets the biggest laugh:
  • "Sometimes I’ll be like, man, I really wish I could smoke a joint, but I guess I’ll suck a dick instead." (21:33, Hans Kim)
  • Howie critiques gently and spins up a playful debate about stereotypes and thin lips.
• Howie sparks the idea to call Hans’ dad in Korea, creating an epic international father-son exchange:
  • Mr. Kim admits he hasn’t watched Kill Tony but is proud of his son.
  • Hans attempts to translate his closer for his dad, ending with confusion and laughter about language barriers, as well as Howie learning how to say "penis" in Korean.
• Panel gets Mr. Kim to tell a joke in Korean (about MLK Day and the library being closed), with Hans translating, to the delight of the crowd.

b. Dayton Bessette: Lifeguard Trauma and Dippin’ Dots (37:20–44:48)

• Dayton’s dark jokes prompt a lively debrief about his anxiety, stage presence, and tragic tales of lifeguarding:
  • "If I was drowning and I saw you, I wouldn’t even yell, help. I would just let it." —Howie Mandel (40:39)
  • Dayton admits his boss made him offer Dippin’ Dots to parents whose child had drowned, becoming a source of comic focus for the rest of the night.

c. Ty Marion: Wordplay Specialist (46:03–53:56)

• Ty’s set full of puns (transparent dad) gets love from Howie, who calls him "a wordsmith."
• Ty shares stories of his failed DJ career, one-night stands, and getting a blowjob in the DJ booth.
• Howie jokes: "Why’d you leave DJing? ...Now you’re alone, you know, you should be surrounded with all the right people. You know, you’re alone." (50:13, Howie Mandel)

d. Cam Patterson: Merging Comedy and Tragedy (54:38–57:40)

• Cam shares a truly heartfelt and funny story about his best friend encouraging him to pursue stand-up, ending on a twist:
  • "He was so proud of me. And then I started crying because I knew I was never going to talk to that nigga again." (55:44, Cam Patterson)
• Howie delivers a moving, spontaneous monologue on Cam's talent and the link between comedy and tragedy:
  • "You are like Richard Pryor to me… when you can take reality and make people who are crying smile, you are a magician. And you, buddy, are a magician." (57:02–57:09, Howie Mandel)

e. Parent Call-ins: Cam’s Dad and the Spelling Bee Bit (61:08–73:46)

• Cam calls his dad in Orlando, who embarrasses him by sharing Cam couldn't count to 10 until he was 12. Tony launches into an improvised "Spelling Bee" with Cam's dad, who hilariously fails to spell basic words ("dog," "guitar," "leather", etc.) and keeps deflecting.
  • "You know what's weird? We had an easier time communicating with a guy from Korea..." (70:00, Howie Mandel)
  • "Spell dog." —Tony Hinchcliffe (65:19)
  • "I have to pass on that one." —Mr. Patterson (70:00)

f. Will Loden: Churchill Bits, Jail Stories, and ‘Sad Comedy’ (74:16–82:10)

• Will’s Churchill/dog bit receives a mixed crowd reaction, prompting Howie to muse about fast-forwarding through "boring prison stories" if he were watching from home.

g. Tony Robinson: Woke Dating & East Texas Energy (83:06–88:43)

• Tony delivers intentionally awkward, racially-charged jokes about dating and personal transformation, reflecting on moving from East Texas and experimenting with being "woke."
• Howie notices her wavering confidence: "You have some concepts and then you lose faith in the middle of your concept." (86:44, Howie Mandel)

h. Zach Butkovich: Diabetes Humor and Open-Ended Sadness (89:10–96:16)

• Zach’s self-deprecating diabetes jokes lead to a meandering interview about his supposed charm, donut preferences, and the death of his father—continuing the episode's running thread of sudden, dark turns.
  • Howie: "This whole show is getting so sad..." (93:24, Howie Mandel)

i. Uncle Alphonse: Fork Metaphors and Trippy Vibes (96:47–105:36)

• A highly eccentric comic touches on acid trips, utensils-as-people metaphors, and unconventional energy.
• Aggressively roasted by Tony for his appearance, lifestyle, and delivery: "You look like if Lucifer took a vacation to Hawaii..." (98:52, Tony Hinchcliffe)
• Howie and Tony struggle to get coherence, but the interview devolves into jokes about mustache tattoos for every friend who’s died by suicide, leading Howie to declare:
  • "I've never seen so much death in one comedy show." (105:03, Howie Mandel)

4. Kill Tony Regulars & Legendary Roasting

- Aaron Belial: AGT Callback and Roast

• Aaron, famed for being a mute comedian and AGT finalist, returns for a special crossover set before Howie.
• Does jokes about Terry Crews and his "big black microphone," riffing on AGT's edited-for-TV format and gets banter with Howie about their AGT history.
• Aaron’s dad is called and the interview becomes an impromptu roast and ribald parent/child exchange.

- Heath Cordis: Age, Looks, and ‘Old Enough to F*’ Hat** (117:35–122:05)

• Performs a sharp, self-aware set about being young-looking, dating awkwardness, and race.
• Howie excitedly proposes a prank show for Heath because of his unique look and timing.
• Q&A reveals that Heath has never been with a woman, leading to an extended bit about his DMs and future prospects.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Howie Mandel's Comics-Rights Rant:

  • "This is the only—you give people a platform to do it right. It’s funny, it’s raw… you can say anything on this fucking show except, Tony, how you doing." (15:20, Howie Mandel)

• On the Lifeguard Who Saw Two Kids Die:

  • "If I was drowning and I saw you, I wouldn’t even yell ‘help.’ I would just let it." (40:39, Howie Mandel)

• Hans Kim’s Set Closer:

  • "Sometimes I’ll be like, man, I really wish I could smoke a joint, but I guess I’ll suck a dick instead." (21:33, Hans Kim)

• Cam Patterson’s Story that Nails Comedy and Tragedy:

  • "He was so proud of me. And then I started crying because I knew I was never going to talk to that nigga again." (55:44, Cam Patterson)

• Howie’s Praise for Cam:

  • "You are fucking brilliant. You are like Richard Pryor to me… you are a magician." (57:02–57:09, Howie Mandel)

• Father/Son Spelling Bee—Cam’s Dad Failing Basic Words:

  • "You know what's weird? We had an easier time communicating with a guy from Korea..." (70:00, Howie Mandel)

• On Episode's Unexpected Dark Turns:

  • "This whole show is getting so sad…" (93:24, Howie Mandel)
  • “I’ve never seen so much death in one comedy show.” (105:03, Howie Mandel)

• End-of-Show Banter with Aaron Belial (Mute Comedian) and Howie Mandel:

  • "All my family is alive, unfortunately." (111:12, Aaron Belial, via voice app)
  • "Nobody runs in that family, it seems.” (112:04, Tony Hinchcliffe, after learning about family disability)
  • "All right. Fuck my daughter." (116:34, Howie Mandel, in characteristically deadpan response to Aaron’s joke request)

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Timestamps of Key Segments

| Segment/Event | Timestamp | |------------------------------------------------------ |---------------| | Howie Introduced, Opening Reflections on Comedy | 13:16–15:40 | | Show Rules, Ejecting Audience Members | 16:08–19:10 | | Hans Kim Set + Call to Korea | 20:23–36:46 | | Lifeguard/Joke About Dippin’ Dots (Dayton) | 37:20–44:48 | | Ty Marion: Puns, DJing, One-Night Stand Stories | 46:03–53:56 | | Cam Patterson: Heartfelt Story + Howie’s Praise | 54:38–57:40 | | Cam Patterson’s Dad & Spelling Bee Bit | 61:08–73:46 | | Will Loden: Churchill/Jail Story | 74:16–82:10 | | Tony Robinson: Woke Dating, East Texas | 83:06–88:43 | | Zach Butkovich: Diabetes and Sad Turns | 89:10–96:16 | | Uncle Alphonse: Acid, Forks, Death Mustaches | 96:47–105:36 | | Aaron Belial: AGT Banter, Parental Roast | 106:54–116:52 | | Heath Cordis: Dating, Self-Deprecation, Prank Show | 117:35–122:05 |

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Episode Tone & Takeaway

This episode oscillates between unfiltered hilarity, dark absurdity, heartfelt moments, and total chaos—in classic Kill Tony style. Howie Mandel’s presence and insights elevate the show, while his spontaneous affection for the comics and willingness to riff with the absurdity create a unique, memorable vibe. The episode is also notable for taking repeated, hilarious left turns into unexpected territory (family phone calls, spelling bees, tragic stories), and for its equal parts roast, heartfelt encouragement, and raw, unscripted comedy.

For those seeking a quintessentially wild and unvarnished look at the modern stand-up scene, with a heavy sprinkle of nostalgia and honesty from one of comedy’s living legends, this episode is a must-listen.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad tv. All our merch can be found for kill [e-mail] Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out tonyhinchcliff.com for everything. Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget, I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi weekly show with the Kill Tony Band. And the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at Sunset Strip atx.com and now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

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[C]

hey y'.

[B]

All. It is a super duper digital event like nothing we've ever done before. A two night experience unlike anything in Kill Tony history. Go to killtonylive.com and get your live streaming tickets for the two arena shows. So much insanity is going to happen. As always, I always keep the guests and anything that I have up my sleeve a complete surprise for you. But if I told you what was going to happen on these two nights, you would be pumped. And plus, you already know all your favorite regulars. And of course, Rick Diaz versus Hans Kim for eternal regular ship on the show. A battle of two absolute autistic titans. Who knows what can happen? A lot of special treats, a lot of special guests. It's going to be like the 10 year anniversary show, but on absolute steroids. Super pumped. Get tickets now and support your favorite show in the world. The number one live podcast started with 14 people in a tiny little room. Now we're going global. That's kill Tony live.com for the amazing two night event December 30th and 31st. You're going to be sick of your family. Have some laughs. Enjoy two nights of Kill Tony Live. Anything can happen.

[A]

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[C]

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of the Kill Tony. Give it up for Kanye Hexaglan.

[B]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

Okay.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[A]

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[B]

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[D]

Yeah, baby.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[C]

Oh ye

[B]

your goddamn right.

[C]

Thank you.

[E]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Wow. Wow. Wow.

[C]

You guys are amazing. This is amazing. You guys are amazing. I just want to say to the people that are watching this, there's a 15 minute set or a 20 minute set of this band before. Before the show even starts, you fucking crush it. This is so fucking amazing. This is so. And it's so much fun to say things like, fucking amazing.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

This is like. This is like. You know what it's like? It's like my parents put on AGT and now they went out of town so I could say fuck. And I wanted to say. I was gonna say, how are you? But I don't wanna get thrown out. Cause I just got here. God forbid you ask Tony how he's doing. Get the fuck out of here.

[B]

You're gone. You're gone.

[C]

Yeah, I know this is a tough fucking show. This is great. This is. I was telling you before I came out here, I was telling you that the reason I love this show and the reason I love this show, not only do I love Tony and Redband and the band, everybody, but this is. I started in this. I'm old and this is an early show. To people who were watching this, an early show because I got an early bird special at a restaurant down the street and then I'm gonna go play bingo. But the thing is that I started in the 70s, that didn't deserve a fucking rim shot. Wasn't a joke.

[F]

The truth.

[C]

The fuck is wrong with you? But anyway, I told him I started in the 70s and the feeling of this show. When I went to the comedy store in 1977, Richard Pryor would walk on the fucking stage and I'm telling you, jaws would drop and he would shock. And there's no such thing as political correctness. It's fucking comedy. And now I live in la and it's tough. I can't say what I want to say. And this is the only. You give people a platform to do it right. It's funny, it's raw, it's. Fuck. You're not recording it. You can say anything on this fucking show except, Tony, how you doing

[D]

that?

[C]

You are fucking out of it. We don't stand for that here. I love that you have rules.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No being nice to me during the.

[G]

Can you imagine?

[C]

There's a guy in the street now there's a guy in the street. I got thrown out. What'd you do? I. I said, how are you? And he threw out. Not only me. He threw out the guy I was sitting with.

[B]

Yeah, they did. They threw out his.

[C]

Why would you ask him how he is? Yeah, okay. Well, it's tough. It's a whole different. This is a different ball game.

[B]

It really is. It is wild out here on these Streets in Austin. And we're so honored to have it. You, Howie Mandel. We're gonna have so much fun. It is. We're gonna find out who's got talent tonight, right?

[C]

Yes, we are.

[B]

And you know how it works, Howie.

[C]

They're talking. You're talking to each other. What are you saying to each other? Get the out of here. They were talking.

[B]

I saw them talking to each other.

[C]

What were you saying?

[B]

Those guys, what, killing a fifth drinking before.

[C]

Oh, they were drinking.

[B]

Oh, drinking.

[C]

Telling on them. What the fuck is that?

[B]

Well, they. They were.

[C]

I know. I know why. He said, how you doing? He was so fucking drunk. He said, how are you? Yeah, that's the level of drunk.

[B]

They were very drunk. I saw the three security people at once zoom in there. That they. We have a very quick. They analyze the situation very quickly. That's the great Mercedes over there, ladies and gentlemen, what appears to be a hot ch. A fucking former Navy SEAL that will kill you with an index finger. So, you know, very multifaceted staff. We have here at the Comedy Mothership, Joe Rogan. In order to get a job here, Rogan watches you kick a heavy bag. So it's not easy to be a security guard here. Okay, how about a hand? We have the great George Floyd here seating people. He's alive and well. Oh, it's David Jolly. Okay. The legend of the show, David Jolly. I get them all confused sometimes. Anyway, a ton of people signed up for the chance to be on the show, Howie. You know how it works. If I pull a name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. Interrupts them. And then we talk to them, I interview them. We find out more about them and what they could be talking about or what makes them interesting. And we're gonna get right to it. But I'm gonna pre pool a name here, and we're going to get them from the bar next door. We are pre polling, and they're not

[C]

even in the building. They are actually next door.

[B]

There is a dirty, dirty little bar called Shakespeare's right next door here where we funnel the comedians into. They stand around, they wait. One of the producers runs over out the back door, into their back door and yells a name. And one of them gets up excitedly and they double check, make sure.

[C]

Is that a club? Is it a club? It's like a bar. Yeah. So there's people that are in that bar that have nothing to do with kill Tony.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So there's. There's a guy sitting at the bar going, going. I'm just. You're. You're hot. But my name's in a bucket. I can't. Yeah, I can't stay. Yeah. But I'll just be a minute and then I'll be back. And maybe later we could. Or something. Like that.

[B]

And now there's two more guys at Shakespeare's that are like, what the just happened to us next door? We'll take a fifth of liquor, please. Oh, yeah, here they are, the Replacement Killers. We have.

[C]

Well, that's them. That was it that they replaced. You have seat filler. This is like the Academy Awards.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[C]

You know how fucking lucky you are? You know how lucky you are?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what it takes to get two seats center, third row? An idiot with a drink that goes, how you doing?

[B]

Well, they're celebrities. Here you are. They're celebrities. That's Honey Boo Boo and Mama June right there. Fresh off of. There's a lot of. It is like the Academy Awards. You'll never know who you see out here. There's a lot of. Wow. A lot of celebrities.

[C]

Sorry about your sister.

[B]

That's why I had that reference, is because I saw that.

[C]

Too soon.

[B]

Never too soon. Not here. All right, so to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, while we wrangle the comedian from next door, I think you guys know what happens here. You guys are fans of the show, correct? Well, we're going to start it how we always do. You guys know the words to this song? This is not him. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim, everybody. A brand new 62nd from the great Hans Kim.

[C]

Hello.

[H]

A lot of woke people nowadays are saying that you can't be racist to white people. What, so I'm supposed to be nice to them? If I can't be racist to white people, then why do their thin little lips start quivering? And I can see their buttholes pucker up because they have no butt cheeks. Feel bad for white people. Maybe if they didn't kill all the native Americans, they wouldn't have to take hip hop dance classes to feel better about themselves. I love watching Fox News because it makes me look at Mexicans differently. Now when I see a Mexican, I just want to document them. That's my problem with Mexicans. Not enough paperwork involved. Sometimes I'll just hand them a receipt. But yes, a lot of crazy things happening. I think it's fucked up that gay marriage is legal in Texas, but weed isn't. Sometimes I'll be like, man, I really wish I could smoke a joint, but I guess I'll suck a dick instead.

[B]

Thank you. There you go, Hans Kim with a little mind eraser of a closer there at the end. One good closer makes us Forget that the 55 seconds before that wasn't that strong.

[H]

Well, not.

[C]

It was like observational comedy without any good observations. Don't have an ass.

[H]

Yeah, a little bit.

[B]

And do all white people have thin lips, Hans?

[H]

Not you, Tony.

[B]

That's right. Not me, Tony, do Asian people have thicker lips than white people? Is that a thing?

[H]

I hope so. It's very sad how thin your lips are. No, I. I don't really notice lips that much. Huh.

[C]

I didn't understand the answer.

[B]

Me neither. I would like to buy a vowel.

[H]

Yeah, I think white people are great. I was just poking fun. You know, I make fun of everyone.

[C]

Yeah, but you're making up. You're really funny. I'm a fan.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

I've watched you on the show, and I love the closing joke. Right. Comedian who's been in it. If you're gonna do observational comedy, you got it. You can't just make up.

[H]

Well, don't you think it's a stereotype that white people have thin lips?

[B]

I don't. I don't think. Never heard that.

[C]

I mean, Lisa Rena once said to me, she said, howie, if you're gonna make jokes. No, that was. See, I've made a reference, and I got as much laughter as you did, so maybe it's not your fault. Maybe it's the room.

[H]

I often blame the room.

[C]

This time it's not so much the room.

[B]

So thin lips, Mexicans, documented. You give them a. Would you say a receipt?

[H]

Yeah, I just want to give them

[B]

paperwork because it's a document.

[H]

Yeah, okay. But the last one. Remember the last one? Yeah, Everyone loved that one.

[B]

They really did. Let's focus on that.

[C]

You should open with that and closed with it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just one joke all the way through. People can't get enough of sucking dicks. Quit while you're ahead. No pun intended.

[B]

It is true. Stop doing that, Michael. So enough with the set. Hans, tell us about what's going on in your real life. That's always the most interesting thing about you. Let's find out what's going on this week.

[C]

Week.

[H]

I've been having a great real life. I've been To Appleton, Wisconsin, recently, which doesn't sound as cool.

[B]

Oh, I'll be a lot of thin lips up there. A lot of the thin lipped people, if you know what I mean. A lot of the people with those barely can see them lips, the whites.

[C]

You had a cheese festival.

[H]

I was actually pursuing my career. That's kind of where my career is at right now is Appleton.

[C]

But yes, comedy.

[H]

Yes, Appleton.

[C]

You did comedy?

[H]

Yeah. Skyline comedy club.

[C]

Was it in a tower? Was it in a.

[H]

It was pretty high up, like third

[C]

floor or the skyline. The skyline of Wisconsin.

[B]

Yeah, the skyline of Wisconsin. Not that high.

[C]

How'd it go?

[H]

It went fantastically.

[C]

Any of this material there?

[H]

I tried to avoid any of the material I did here tonight, but I did a lot of old stuff, which, you know, talking about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

[B]

Ooh, topical. Very good. No better time than 2023

[H]

when I went up there. I'd be like, is there any black people in the audience? And sometimes there'd be no one. No black people there. And be like, good. A perfect audience.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[H]

But if there was a black audience, I'd be like, oh, Wisconsin is so gerrymandered. That table just became a congressional district.

[B]

Okay. So it's probably better if there were no black people. One of them is a really good joke and the other one is about gerrymandering everybody. I know. I love a good gerrymandering joke every once in a while.

[H]

You know those thin lips, they love gerrymandering.

[B]

Yes, indeed. The old thin lipped whites. I love it. Okay. How's your relationship going this week?

[H]

My girlfriend's great. We recently started doing acro yoga. You know, it's very stressful.

[B]

What is that?

[H]

It's like where I balance her on my foot and try not to get my toes in her pussy.

[C]

Wouldn't that be called pussy footing? Don't pussy foot around me.

[H]

I try not to pussy foot around my girlfriend.

[B]

Did you have a toe in the pussy yet? That's interesting that that was the first thing that you referenced. Was there a toe in the pussy? And did you do it on purpose?

[H]

Yes.

[B]

Whoa.

[C]

What's the difference between the athlete's foot and chlamydia?

[H]

It's the same thing. I got chlamydia on my foot. Right. But yes, it's great the way he

[C]

could just take a concept and run with it. It's amazing. I got chlamydia. Just stops. You just stop.

[H]

Sorry about that.

[C]

Don't apologize for me.

[B]

Yeah, don't. No. Apologies. Hans, anything else we should know about?

[C]

I know about your family. I've watched you before. Doesn't. Your father lives overseas, right?

[H]

Yes, he's a Korean and overseas.

[C]

He's in Korea?

[H]

Yes.

[E]

Yes.

[C]

Is that top. Do you talk to him?

[H]

I haven't in about six months.

[C]

Why?

[H]

It's just a little awkward.

[C]

So do you want to cut? Can we call him now?

[B]

Yeah, can we call Mr. Kim?

[I]

Sure.

[B]

Can we do this? Oh, yeah. Oh, I love this idea, Howie. Thank you.

[C]

Where is it? Where. What time is it where he is?

[H]

It's probably around. Around 6am Or.

[C]

That's good.

[B]

So, good morning. We'll leave him a voicemail.

[C]

He speaks English, right?

[H]

Yes, a little bit.

[B]

All right. This is six months. Dad, this is Hans. Dad, this is Hans. Dad, this is Hans. Dad, this is Hans.

[C]

Dad, Would this be considered outsourcing comedy?

[B]

I think so.

[C]

I don't know.

[E]

This is.

[B]

Is it ringing? Do you have it on speakerphone?

[C]

Yeah, put on speaker.

[H]

This is a Korean ring.

[B]

Are you serious? No way.

[C]

What you just said. Or is there a sound?

[B]

Turn it up.

[H]

Is this a Kakao Talk?

[B]

Hold on. Everybody stop.

[C]

Are you on speaker? Yes.

[J]

Hey.

[H]

Hi, dad. This is Hans, your son. We're on a show on YouTube right now. They wanted to talk to you because I said I didn't talk to you in a long time. So I'm calling you live on the air right now.

[B]

Hello, Mr. Kim, it's Tony of Kill Tony.

[C]

What? Hello? Hello?

[I]

Hello?

[C]

Do you think. Hi. Do you think white people have thin lips? I just want to see if it's a. Yeah, Family thing.

[I]

Sorry, I don't understand.

[C]

Oh, white people. Do you know what white people. Do you know of white people? Hello?

[I]

Hello? Hi.

[B]

This is amazing. Mr. Kim, it's Tony. Have you ever watched Hans do comedy before?

[I]

Sorry, I cannot hear you.

[B]

Is this really what your dad sounds like?

[C]

What does this guy do for a living? What is he?

[H]

Mathematician.

[C]

He's a mathematician.

[B]

Here, give me the phone. Give me the phone. What was that? Say that again.

[I]

I'm a mathematician.

[B]

Yes, very good. And you know Hans is a comedian, right?

[I]

Yes, I know.

[B]

Have you ever watched him on the hit show Kill Tony before?

[I]

No, I can't.

[B]

I haven't. Interesting. You know, your son is wildly successful. Successful, correct.

[I]

Yes, I thought that.

[B]

Yes. Are you proud of him?

[I]

Of course I'm proud of him.

[B]

Wow. The crowd goes wild. That was the correct answer, Mr. Kim. Can I call you Mr. Can I. Can I call you Mr. Kim?

[I]

Yes.

[C]

Do you know any of his jokes? Do you know his jokes?

[I]

Yeah, I heard some of them.

[C]

I want him to tell you just a closing joke from tonight. Tell your father that joke.

[B]

Do the joke. Hans is going to do a joke, and we want to see.

[C]

This went over well. You should be very proud. This is your son now telling you the closing joke from tonight.

[B]

And feel free to laugh right into the phone if you think. And don't laugh if you think it's not funny. Go ahead.

[C]

Go ahead.

[H]

So in Texas, it's weird. It's horrible that gay marriage is legal, but weed is not. Sometimes I'll be like, I wish I could smoke a joint of marijuana right now, but I guess I'll just have to suck a dick instead.

[I]

Sorry, I don't understand that job.

[B]

Oh,

[C]

Explain it to him.

[B]

Well, yeah, it's because you can suck a dick, but you.

[C]

How do you say penis in Korean? You can't smoke marijuana, but you could lick Kochu. Funny.

[I]

Ordinary. Coach.

[B]

What?

[I]

I. I don't know what. What records?

[C]

Kochu, Kochu.

[H]

Kochu.

[C]

Kochu. Penis, Penis, dick, dick, dick.

[B]

There's the laugh. That's what we were looking for.

[C]

How we bring the world together.

[I]

You didn't know. You. You can speak Korean.

[C]

Yeah, we can talk her in. Yeah, coach you to you, buddy. This is so nice. It's beautiful the way you bring father and son together. This is beautiful.

[B]

This is incredible. This is the first time we've talked to you. We've heard so much about you before. Hans is an absolute star. Are you proud of him for having a white American girlfriend with thin lips?

[C]

He's okay with sucking dick. Your girlfriend? Not so happy about it.

[I]

Not specially. But I think if he has a girlfriend, that's fine. That's good. But fight or other things are not important.

[C]

Other things are more important.

[H]

Race is not important.

[C]

Race is not important.

[G]

Wow.

[H]

Just the culture.

[B]

Wow. Race is very important to Hannah. He must. He must get his racism from his mother.

[C]

How do you say. How do you say. How do you say vagina?

[H]

I actually didn't learn that one.

[C]

How do you. Sir, how do you say vagina?

[B]

How do you say vagina in Korean?

[C]

Jungle Jungo. So your son puts his foot in her Kunjo Chung.

[B]

He puts his cujo in

[C]

just. I want him to know that she's very open to your culture, so he knows she's accepting. A woman who lets you put her foot in her cucho is an accepting person.

[B]

Before we let you go, Mr. Kim, one last question. Do you have. Do you know any jokes? Do you have, like, A short joke that you'd like to do. For the first time in Kiltoni history, we have you here on speakerphone. Do you know. Do you know any jokes?

[I]

The chocolate. You mean.

[C]

One joke.

[B]

One joke.

[I]

So I remember one of his jokes about Martin Luther King's day, but I cannot. I cannot reproduce because my. My English is not.

[C]

Here's what I'm going to say. You tell the joke. You say the Jo joke in Korean and talk slowly. And then your son will translate it into English for us.

[B]

Yes, you can do.

[C]

This is so weird. Kill Tony is closed caption.

[B]

It is amazing. You do the joke in Korean and Hans is going to translate it. Ready? Martin Luther King Day joke has to be good. I hope it ends in the N word. Let's go, go,

[C]

go.

[E]

So

[I]

Hans went to library on Martin Luther King's day and the library is closed

[E]

so

[I]

he can learn about Martin Ruto King.

[C]

So can you translate louder?

[I]

It should be open on Martin King's day. And instead of that, what was this? The library should be closed.

[C]

The library shouldn't be closed. Why can I translate?

[H]

He transported Hitler's birthday.

[C]

Ah. Wow. Wow.

[H]

The whole crowd became Asian.

[B]

That was actually good. That was better than your son's first 50 seconds of his set tonight.

[C]

Thank you, sir.

[B]

Mr. Kim, thank you so much for talking to us. Your son is absolutely killing it. He's a star. He has a full time career. He's absolutely a stud. You raised a great boy. Thank you so much.

[I]

What I want to pay for, I want to pay for my. My interview.

[B]

Gotta go. See you later, buddy. Oh, shit. Man. That guy knows how to get me to hang up real quick.

[C]

He started doing the math.

[B]

Yeah. A true mathematician. Am I going to get paid for my interview?

[C]

My lips started to quiver.

[B]

I could barely tell. They're so thin. Hans, what a great way to start the show.

[D]

You did it again.

[H]

Thank you, Tony.

[B]

Beautiful, beautiful boy. Come on. The legend Hans Kim going up against Rick Diaz for permanent regular ship on New Year's Eve. The stream is on sale now. Kill tonylive.com we are first bucket pool has been pulled. We're pre pooling the second one. This person got dragged out of the bar next door. It looks like a new name. Make some noise for Dayton Bessette, everybody.

[J]

Hi, my name's Dayton. And I don't understand why. Because my parents aren't from Ohio, they're from Oklahoma. So I asked my dad where my name came from and he was like, well, I. I was dating your mom, which honestly, that Makes a lot of sense because my brother's name is Buttfuck. He was a miracle. I started comedy around the same time Louie got canceled for jerking off in front of women. And I was like, fuck. That's why I got into this. I actually. I'm not really sure why I started comedy. I think it's just because I've always been a big fan of it. You know, like When I was 10, I wrote Robin Williams a letter. It just said, kill yourself. He didn't respond.

[B]

All right. Dayton Bissack. I love, love it. Welcome to the show.

[J]

Hi. Hello.

[B]

This is your first time here, correct?

[J]

Yeah, I love it in Austin too. First.

[B]

Okay. Welcome. Wow.

[C]

Where are you from?

[J]

I live in New York now, but I'm from Kansas City.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Wow. You have that kind of laid back, kind of comfortable attitude that I like.

[J]

Thank you.

[C]

You don't seem laid back. You seem, like, really nervous and uncomfortable. I was just being facetious, but it's funny. You are so fucking funny. You really are. Have you done stand up before?

[J]

Yeah, I'm about five years.

[B]

In five years, how long have you been in New York?

[J]

Just a year.

[B]

Right. And how long have you been in Austin?

[J]

I just got like. I drove 12 hours last night from Kansas City.

[B]

Really?

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

You drove like last night?

[J]

Like, yeah, I left at like 6pm Got in at like around 5am wow, look at you.

[B]

Where are you staying while you're here?

[J]

I'm staying with my pal.

[B]

Okay. So you went straight there at 5am took a little nap, woke up up.

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

You've been in the bar next door waiting.

[J]

Yes.

[B]

And you got pulled out.

[J]

Yes.

[B]

Amazing.

[J]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Absolutely incredible. Oh, yeah.

[C]

You're really funny. You're really funny. I'm telling you, you got a. You got a future in this. I was expecting when you came out, you were so you seemed a little fucked up and then. And then. No, but it doesn't. You don't give the impression, like, I got this. But that's what's beautiful about you, that you keep that stay no matter how comfortable you go get. Stay uncomfortable? No, because I like your discomfort. Does that make any sense?

[B]

Yeah.

[J]

Yeah. I love.

[B]

And you have a good look. You have the little star power. You look like Logan Paul with leukemia.

[K]

It's very good.

[B]

It's very good. What do you do for a living that you had to drive 12 hours instead of buying a flight?

[J]

I mean, I've been living since I moved to New York just off standup.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[J]

But it's not. I mean, going. I Gotta get a job when I get back.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

What are you gonna do? What type of job are you gonna to look for?

[J]

I don't know. Just something that they don't rely on me.

[B]

What have you. What have you done before? What is your experience?

[C]

You could be an OIC salesman.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[J]

I was a lifeguard for like, five years.

[C]

A lifeguard?

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

If I was drowning and I saw you, I wouldn't even yell, help. I would just let it.

[J]

You help N. I saw two kids die.

[E]

Yeah.

[J]

I'm kidding.

[C]

Yeah. You saw two kids die? Yeah.

[B]

Really?

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

At the same time.

[C]

Why are you laughing? Why are you. You were the lifeguard and you watched two kids die.

[J]

I wasn't involved. I. I did cpr.

[C]

I know you weren't involved. That was the problem.

[B]

No one thinks you were holding their heads down. You watched that while you were lifeguarding?

[J]

I was. The first One was in 2019. I was on the top of a water slide and it happened. Weapon and the. This is.

[C]

God forbid you should slide down.

[B]

Right.

[C]

How are you gonna get down there to the drowning kid? I'm on top of the slide.

[J]

It was at the wave pool, and a kid was under for a long time, and he was like.

[C]

How do you know he was under for a long time? Because you were watching.

[B]

Yeah. You are not good at guarding life.

[C]

That's number two.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I think I'm going to go into comedy. Yeah.

[B]

Two drownings is a lot for a lifeguard. You might be one of the worst lifeguards I've ever heard of.

[J]

Yeah. The manager. The. The manager of the water park. I worked out. When the ambulance was still in the park, he made me go up to the family and offer them dippin dots.

[B]

Are you serious?

[J]

That's not a joke at all. Yeah, no.

[B]

Don't you think they've seen enough dots dip.

[C]

Oh, my God. They lost their child.

[J]

They didn't know yet.

[C]

Oh, so you're gonna surprise them. They're gonna go, look, we got free dipping dots, right? We got free dipping dots. Wait, let me finish.

[B]

Yeah. So is that true? Do you offer them dippin dots?

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

And then who broke the news to them that their child had died?

[J]

I don't know. I was gone at that point.

[B]

You're just a dipping dots guy.

[K]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Here's some dipping dots here.

[C]

Later.

[B]

Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. What do you do for fun when you're not being terrible at being a lifeguard and doing stand up?

[J]

I sit my bed and stare at the ceiling. Overthink everything. I don't know. I don't know. I don't have enough.

[C]

Wouldn't it be easier to lie on the bed to stare at the ceiling? If you're sitting on the bed, you're just. I think that's hard.

[J]

My neck does hurt.

[B]

It's a 90 degree angle.

[C]

Yeah, that's why two kids drown, because he just sits there like this water is down there.

[B]

I hear a lot of splashing.

[C]

What am I going to do? I'm at the top of the slide.

[B]

How am I supposed to just keep hearing palp pelp.

[C]

Oh, here's the dipping duck truck.

[B]

So are you in a really. Are you in a lesbian relationship?

[J]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You are. Where'd you meet that girl?

[D]

Flat?

[J]

I met her in Kansas City. Yeah, okay. She's a comic.

[C]

And then you drove 15 hours. Is she here with you?

[J]

No, she's not.

[C]

Are you in a relationship?

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

How do you know? Like you didn't know that the kid was drowning. How do you know that you're with somebody?

[J]

Could just be in my head, I guess.

[C]

How long have you been going out?

[J]

About a year.

[C]

About a year. And do you think you're going to take it to the next level? Like, will you have sex?

[J]

Hopefully one day.

[B]

How far have you gotten so far? How many fingers?

[J]

Just the one.

[C]

There you go.

[B]

There you go. Do you have any special skills or talents other than stand up comedy?

[J]

No. Zero? Yeah. No.

[B]

Nothing at all?

[J]

I can build Legos. Pretty good. Good.

[C]

Wow.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

That's a closer for the ladies.

[B]

Yeah, you are. Your own blocker is incredible. All right, Dayton. Well, you did what you had to do. You came up. You had a good minute, right?

[J]

Hell yeah.

[B]

Did you guys like them?

[C]

I like them.

[B]

This is a big joke book. Take one of those. That's from the Great Bonsai.

[J]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And you did it. Way to get it started right out of the bucket date to see you again, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. By the way, little fun fact. I have been made aware. For those of you interested, we have breaking news. Breaking news. Just in case anybody's interested, the two guys that got kicked out started a fight with a security guard outside and they have both been arrested, ladies and gentlemen. So there you go. See what appears to be. It appears to be that we're tough here. Like, oh, how are you? But how are you? Is a very telling, troubling thing.

[C]

I know. But when you're sitting in the cell and the guy goes, what are you in for? I asked Tony. I said, how are ya?

[B]

And then it all went downhill from there.

[C]

He's in the fucking kitchen. It's, like, not real.

[B]

How'd you get in here? How are you?

[C]

How you doing?

[B]

Amazing.

[C]

How you doing? He didn't even yell anything.

[B]

Pulled another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun yet? All right, here comes another one. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Ty Marion, everybody. Ty Marion is next live on Kill.

[H]

Tony.

[F]

My little brother is half Mexican, a professional clown, and a gay. But none of those are what's really annoying about him. What is is he feels like he's got to be included in everything. He's a little cholo bozo homo with

[D]

fomo,

[F]

you know, yolo. I think my best friend. I think my best friend's starting to go crazy. He just recently bought one of those lifelike sex dolls. He knows what I'm talking about. The other day I went to his house. When I walked in, he was crying. He was holding a pair of these underwear. He was screaming at that doll, whose underwear are these? And, man, when I saw this as his friend, I knew I had to be supportive, especially because those are my favorite underwear. My dad is. My dad is trans, but it's cool because I never see him. Y' all know what it's like having a transparent. Transparent. Thank you.

[B]

Time, Marion. Okay, I get it. You kind of have a little trademark. You're like a little pun wordsmith.

[C]

He's a wordsmith.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You got funny words and you put words together. Mm.

[B]

It's English.

[C]

What?

[F]

They're English.

[C]

I know.

[F]

Majority. In case you didn't understand.

[C]

Yeah, no, I know. The bozo with the FOMO and the transparent.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, Good.

[B]

You don't have the face of a guy that would be a wordsmith.

[F]

No, More like a blacksmith, probably.

[B]

Yeah. There you go. You just did it again. You son of a bitch. Look at you. You're a little trickster over there. I love it. You've been on this show before. You have a face that's kind of memorable, like a. Like a melting pumpkin or something like that.

[F]

Thanks. Yeah, you made fun of everybody. Actually made fun of it. Y' all made fun of. Last time I was on, you made fun of my complexion.

[D]

What?

[B]

Did I say something?

[F]

Just being dark looking and weird.

[B]

You remember? You remember? Come on, it was better than that.

[C]

There's gotta be a word for what he said.

[F]

No, you just said basically, essentially, it made it sound like I was brown, round, and had downs. Is everything that you kept saying that

[B]

sounds like one of your jokes.

[C]

That's his thing?

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

That's. That's his thing. You're like the new Nipsey Russell. Nobody knows who Nipsey Russell is, but he was a guy in the 80s. I guess that rhymed.

[F]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. So you're kind of more of a poet than a comedian. Like a poet.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

The other day I called the W word. The wigger, I don't know. But the guy. Yeah, I know. I don't know. He said it with the er. And I was really offended. I was.

[B]

So somebody called you that?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What did you do right before that to where they would call you?

[F]

That were just talking and I guess apparently sometimes my cadence or my voice sometimes comes off a little. Thuggish?

[C]

No, just lethargic. Just like, lethargic. It's kind of like. I don't give a. I took one too many Quaaludes. I. Whatever the. You just seem like.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, like you just woke up.

[F]

It wasn't weight. One too many. I think it was like, the right amount of Quaaludes.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Just perfect. Just floating right now, you know?

[C]

Are you high?

[F]

A little bit, yeah.

[B]

High on marijuana?

[F]

Yeah. I did some edibles earlier.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Monday.

[B]

Absolutely. Ty, what else about you? What do. What do we.

[E]

What.

[B]

What can we talk about that we didn't find out about you last time you were on the show? Any fun facts about Ty, Marion? That would surprise us.

[F]

I used to play music before anybody makes me drum off or anything like that. And, like, I literally used to press play on button. Play music. I used to be a DJ in San Antonio area in the early to mid 2000s tour. Did some of that stuff for a while. That was fun.

[C]

Why'd you leave it?

[F]

I had the wrong people surrounding me. They were more interested in getting their dick sucked every night than helping me get to that next level. Even though I was opening for big names, doing hundreds of people, thousand people in the crowd, they were more concerned about who they were going home with that night.

[C]

And now you're surrounded with all the right people. You know, you're alone. You're alone. And you. You know, you should be surrounded with.

[F]

Yeah. I just figure out, yeah, at this point, I'm gonna put it all on me. I'm gonna bet on myself, and I'm gonna do it with comedy now. And.

[L]

Right.

[B]

You never got to take your DJing to the next level, and that kind of bothers you.

[F]

I mean, not.

[C]

Nothing rhymes DJ, right?

[B]

Well, he never got to DJ in his PJs. On a PJ, actually. Yeah. You Know what that sound means?

[C]

Actually, you had something?

[F]

No, I did DJ one time. My PJs.

[B]

You got a B? I was PJ.

[F]

I actually did get a BJ. Got caught by the owner of the club one time while I was in the booth mixing it. And the only thing I was told was hurry up, see me in the office afterwards. And I was given a high five. So it was pretty good day for me.

[B]

You were able.

[C]

Wait, but you left everybody else you were working with because all they wanted was their dicks sucked. But you got fired for getting your dick sucked.

[D]

Exactly.

[F]

See, they wanted what they couldn't have, and I'm having it. And so they were just.

[B]

You were able to get hard while exposed to an entire audience.

[F]

There's like a. Like you guys are sitting there, you're in a booth. You can't really see anything below here.

[B]

Right.

[F]

And so there was a conveniently little cutout area she sat down on.

[B]

And did you have like a face where you. Where it looked like you were getting a bj? Was it like.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Is it like that?

[F]

Yeah, yeah. She was waiting for the drop too, if you know what I mean.

[B]

Oh, yeah, absolutely. That little fucking little dead mouse in her mouth.

[C]

It's not little.

[M]

Come on.

[C]

It's average.

[B]

Just like you. Very good. I love it. What's your love life like now? You have a girlfriend?

[F]

No girlfriend. Really? Dedicating a lot of time to comedy. So it's more like just one night stands. Random hook, hookups.

[C]

I love them.

[B]

Any crazy one night stands lately? What's a one night stand with Ty? Marion?

[F]

Like, typically, just because I don't want them to know where I live, I always ask to go to their house. It's not like I live at home or I'm embarrassed in my place, but typically the bar that I go to to hook up with, it's. It's a block and a half from where I live. So I'm not trying to walk over there and then walk them home and they have to walk them back to their car. You know what I mean?

[B]

There's a lot of walking.

[F]

Uber home.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Wow. What a. I'm telling you, people are going to watch this and you're going to get so much. Yeah, no, because that's what women want. They want a man. I'm not gonna.

[F]

No, you'd be surprised.

[C]

I would be.

[B]

It would actually be surprised.

[C]

I'm looking at the face on the women and they're going, oh, look who I'm with. Why can't I have Him.

[F]

She's looking at me going, who the is this guy? And sweetheart, guess what? When I woke up this morning and rolled over in bed, I also said, who the is this. This guy? I have a drinking problem. Okay. So.

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

You drink a lot. May I recommend connect mobilehealth.com kill15 get an IB drip.

[H]

Appreciate.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Get fully recovered.

[F]

Absolutely.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

That was seamless. Yeah, that was amazing. He's good at that.

[F]

He's.

[C]

That was integrated. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm getting a blowjob right now. You can't even tell. You cannot even tell. It's all happening, happening. Little, little Heath is underneath the table right now. Sweet, sweet boy. K. Okay.

[C]

I thought I was tickling my nose.

[F]

Tony, somebody told me I was supposed to ask you how you're doing, but I guess that'll get out of here.

[C]

Get the out of here.

[B]

You're going to prison, buddy.

[C]

Off this stage.

[B]

Order in the court. I love it. You already have a big joke book.

[F]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Well, here's some zipix nicotine toothpicks. Enjoy those, my friend. There goes Ty Marion, everybody. Let's do. Let's do one of the regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the show where one of the stars is going to do a brand new 60 seconds. And when I say a star, I mean this motherfucker burns bright, right? This is indeed one of the greatest to ever do it. 60 seconds, brand new for Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, Live in the flesh. Here we go.

[D]

Hey, this one, this one a little serious. This one real dear to my heart. And before I started doing comedy, I was like a real deal dope boy, you know what I'm saying? That's all I did, like every day, you know what I'm saying? And I used to hang out with one of my best friends and he'll be with me every day. And we would just. All we do was just sell drugs all the time and that's. That's it. And then one day he was like, bro, you so funny. You should try stand up comedy. I'm like, nah, nigga, that's gay. That's what I said. Like, that's, that's gay as hell. And then he was like, he was like, nah, bro, you so funny, you probably like blow up and never talk to a nigga again. That's how funny you could be. And fast forward to like two years later. We were still doing the same we were doing. And I decided like, you know what, bro, I'm gonna do stand up. And he worked with me every day. Every single day for the first three months. He recorded my first set on stage. He would.

[C]

He. He would.

[D]

That my rock dog, my best friend. And a couple weeks ago, I did the biggest video I ever did in my life with Tony. And I had him on FaceTime the whole time. He saw the whole. The whole show.

[C]

Show.

[D]

And when I got off stage, he was crying. You know what I'm saying? He was so proud of me. And then I started crying because I knew I was never going to talk to that again.

[B]

The great Cam Patterson doing it again.

[C]

I love you. I love you.

[E]

You.

[C]

I'm telling you, I love you. I collect rocks. I like the way they feel.

[B]

Here, go.

[C]

Oh, my God. I got one of his. You have no idea. Piece of concrete. But you're amazing. You really are amazing. And that was beautiful. And, you know, that is when I said that, I came out and I watched Richard Pryor. Richard Pryor is. Is my God as far as comedy. And he was the first guy that took. That, I realized, took real stories, not jokes, not making. He took real stories in a tough life and who he was. And he could make you laugh and he can make you cry. And the beauty of you telling a story like this. And I was looking at people's faces and you were telling an incred. You're a great storyteller, and you were. It was really coming from the heart because that's probably your real life and what you came from. And then to turn that around and make people laugh. You are fucking brilliant.

[B]

And you are.

[C]

You are like Richard Pryor to me.

[B]

And you are.

[C]

I love you.

[E]

I'm not.

[C]

I'm not kidding. And you've been doing it for such a short time. And to find your way and to be so articulate as far as being able to just tug at somebody's heartstrings and turn it and twist it. You know, I was telling Tony at the beginning, when you go look at theater, they have comedy and tragedy. The two masks are together, together. And those two masks, comedy and tragedy are very close. And when you couldn't take reality and make people who are crying smile. You are a magician. And you, buddy, are a magician. I love you. I really do.

[B]

Amazing.

[D]

A lot.

[B]

I love it. Spoton analysis. I mean, that is exactly how I feel.

[C]

Can I keep this?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God. Wait till. Thank you.

[B]

It's amazing. You know, he sells rocks. You want to talk about. Not only is he hysterical, but perhaps one of the most amazing, brilliant merchandising minds in the universe, dude.

[H]

Yes.

[B]

So, like, when he goes on the road, he literally his dad. Or he'll. Or if his dad's in the same city, he'll bring a box of rocks. Literal rocks. And I mean, like, rocks.

[C]

I like what you gave me.

[D]

Concrete rock.

[C]

This is not a rock, right?

[D]

No, it's like. That's. I like to do. Cuz it look. You know what I'm saying? Look. Just like this right here.

[B]

What part?

[D]

I. With the part right here. Little tip part. That's your heart.

[B]

Oh, he's got the G. What are you doing?

[C]

What are you doing?

[D]

I like the way that feel.

[C]

I feel like you like one of them.

[D]

It's all good. I take it back.

[B]

No, give him his rock back. Cam.

[A]

Cam wants that rock back.

[B]

What do you do?

[C]

How do you. What do you do to it? Tony?

[B]

Just to. Yeah.

[N]

Yo.

[B]

Oh. Redb. Red band couldn't find the spot.

[C]

Oh, my God. Wow. You got your rocks.

[B]

But I mean, he literally sells rocks to people, and they cannot wait to buy these rocks. And if he runs out of rocks to sell in front of the thousands of people in line, he can literally go outside and be like, here's one. 20 bucks. Oh, and.

[C]

And I. I've read some stories, like, every age, right? You told me, like, older people and kids. Kids come up to you and they love rocks, right? And they want your. They want to buy rocks and they want you to give them rocks, right? And I heard a story, and maybe you don't want me to bring it up, but he went to a public swimming pool and he sold two kids tons of rocks.

[M]

Whoa.

[D]

Don't tell nobody that. Whoa.

[C]

Calm down.

[D]

Calm down.

[C]

Whoa. And they went swimming. They didn't want anybody to. And they both drowned.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But wait, wait. Their family got dipping dots?

[B]

Yeah. It ended up being a good story in the end. As long as you get dippin dots, it solves all problems. You can always make another baby. Dipping dots are. It's a rare tree.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm just the best hell ice cream of the future, my nigga.

[B]

You've had dippin' dots before?

[C]

Dipping dots.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You're from Orlando.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Dippin dots is everywhere. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

They sold these. Sell hard drugs and dipping dots. Did you do. Yeah.

[D]

Oh, I did all that. I did everything, really did. Not just. Just hard drugs, but not dipping dots.

[C]

You won't admit to dipping dots.

[B]

I did.

[D]

I sold crap. I'm not dipping dot. That's gay. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

All cripping no dipping.

[C]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

No doubt about it. No dots. All thoughts. Talk to what we outside. Hell yeah. Hell, yeah. Gang violence. Gang violence.

[D]

Gang violence.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[D]

Hey, you.

[G]

You.

[D]

You call Hans.

[C]

Dad.

[D]

You want to call my dad?

[B]

Let's do it. Absolutely. It's a special.

[C]

You know what's gonna be weird? You know what's gonna be weird? I'm gonna freak out. It's the same guy.

[B]

Hello? I do not understand it.

[D]

That shit would be great.

[B]

A Martin roof of Kingdom. I do not understand.

[E]

Where.

[C]

Where is he?

[D]

In Orlando.

[C]

He's in Orlando.

[D]

He back home. Is it?

[I]

Hold on.

[B]

Let me see.

[C]

Do you have a girlfriend?

[D]

Yes and no.

[C]

Yes and no.

[D]

Yeah, I got a wife and. But I still be. But I love her, though. She know who she is?

[C]

She knows who she is. She's the wife and. But not the one you're.

[D]

Yeah, I love her, though. She hates that. I talk about this all the time.

[C]

Why would she hate it? Why would she hate. As long as you say you love, you. You love. I love you. You can go out and Anything you want.

[D]

Hey, what's up, dad?

[C]

You. I'd rather talk to his wife.

[B]

Breaking stereotypes. He's calling his father. Everybody his father picked up.

[C]

Dad, you on?

[E]

You on.

[D]

You on K. Tony, right now.

[B]

Can you turn it all the way up on the side there?

[C]

How's it going? Give it to Tony.

[B]

How's it going? Mr. Patterson, you're on with Tony Hinchman Cliff live on Kill. Tony with the great Howie Mandel.

[E]

Oh, my goodness. Y' all made my day, man.

[C]

Well, I gotta tell you, your son made my day. Your son is brilliant. Your son is a superstar.

[E]

Well, thank you.

[C]

Thank you. You proud of him?

[E]

Oh, man, I'm. I'm more than proud when you get that for me know he got.

[C]

He seems. He seems more proud of himself than he is of you. Came from my ball, stupid.

[D]

He came for my dick.

[C]

Yeah. Do you know what do you think of his wife?

[B]

Who wife? Cam said. Cam said that he has a wife on this show here just a moment ago.

[E]

Well, he. That wouldn't surprise me.

[B]

That wouldn't surprise him.

[C]

Oh, because he doesn't her. He everybody else. But he has a wife. She knows who she is. You don't.

[B]

Mr. Mr. Patterson, you know, this is an improvised segment, but I. I just thought of what I think is a good question. Is there anything that like, embarrassing from Cam's childhood that he might not want you to tell us? Oh, that's up.

[D]

That was a quick turn.

[E]

You know, it took. It took Cam until he was going to count the 10.

[C]

So wait, I want old to go to the can. Don't tell people that he's not potty trained. He's not potty trained.

[D]

No, no, that's not what he said.

[C]

Go again.

[B]

Hold on. Start. Say it again, everybody.

[C]

Are you potty trained?

[D]

I can piss real good.

[B]

Give us. Hold on, here it is. Here's the embarrassing thing. Go ahead, say it again, Mr. Patterson.

[E]

Yeah, it took. It took camera until he was 12 years old to count to 10.

[D]

I might be retarded.

[C]

How. How high can you count now?

[B]

I get real high now.

[C]

You can count really high.

[D]

Come on.

[B]

Huh?

[C]

How high can you count?

[D]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 40, 56.

[B]

I'm done.

[D]

I'm done. That's it.

[B]

That's it.

[C]

He got up.

[B]

He's got as far as he could go. Oh, my goodness gracious.

[C]

He a dick for that, man.

[D]

That's up, bro. He can't spell good. Tell him to spell firefighter.

[C]

Spell firefighter.

[N]

He can't spell good.

[B]

All right, so the word on the streets, Mr. Patterson, is that you're not a very good speller. So without googling, we're going to give you a word, and right off the bat, you have to. You have to spell it for us. Are you ready?

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

He know you can't spell. That's where I get it from, man. He's the winner of the kill, Tony. Spelling C. It's not A spelling B. It's a spelling C. Thank you. You get it just for one.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. Wow.

[E]

Yeah. That's what a dictionary for, Tony.

[C]

That's what the dictionary.

[E]

I can always go. How do I not.

[C]

Tony, I go, dog. Go dog, Dog, dog. Quickly, dog.

[B]

Spell dog.

[C]

Dog, dog.

[E]

Are you saying dark as in dark ass?

[C]

No, no, I wasn't saying dark ass.

[B]

I love that. I love that. That's the reference that he used. Dark, as in dark ass. Oh, someone's been called dark ass before. Someone's ass is a couple shades darker than the rest of his body.

[C]

Dark ass. Dog.

[B]

Like roof.

[C]

Roof like a puppy dog.

[E]

Are you saying dog?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, dog.

[E]

I can handle that.

[B]

All right, here we go.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I can hear your thumbs typing. Googling dog race.

[G]

Come on.

[D]

We all waiting on you, pops.

[B]

All right, dog. I told her.

[E]

That's. That's. That's easy, man. I can take that one. That's no problem.

[C]

It's been 10 minutes.

[B]

He's. He's flying already.

[C]

A problem.

[B]

He's flying through the pages of the dictionary right now. He's looking up dawg, and he's like, where the is this goddamn word?

[C]

It starts with. With a D, like in dark ass.

[B]

All right, so here it is. Spell dog.

[E]

Are you saying dog?

[D]

You can spell dog, man, you're making us look bad on national tv.

[E]

Dog is. Dog is. Are you saying dog as in my brother dog? A dog as in bark?

[C]

Well, that's barking.

[B]

Yes, the whoop.

[N]

Whoop.

[E]

Yeah, that's a. That's a easy one, man. Give me something. Give me something else, man.

[B]

You okay?

[C]

All right.

[B]

Cat, Cat, be careful what you wish for. Here we go. The word. The word in which you will spell is the word nicotine.

[E]

Come on, man.

[B]

You were bragging about how easy dog is pretending like I'm being the.

[C]

Is he high? Did you sell something to your population?

[E]

Give me nicotine.

[I]

Give it to me.

[B]

Okay, how about cigarette? As in give me nicotine in a sentence. Okay?

[C]

Use nicotine in a sentence. You use nicotine in a sentence.

[B]

Here it is. Here's a sentence. My. My dark ass friend smoked a nicotine filled cigarette

[C]

with his dog.

[B]

All right, Here you go, Mr. Patterson spelling nicotine.

[D]

I believe in you, pop.

[C]

I believe in you, Mr. Patterson.

[E]

Got a problem with that one? Mr. Patterson got a pass on that one.

[C]

Pass.

[B]

All right, so we're passing.

[C]

Pass.

[B]

Okay. Okay. P A, S, T. He's passed on that one.

[C]

Pass. He passed on that one.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Okay. I actually like this. Welcome to another episode of Spelling Bet, everybody. Here we are. Here's your next word. All right, here we go. You know, I'm not letting them off the hook this easily. I'm going to make them try to spell something. Your next word since you passed on the last one is guitar.

[D]

Oh, that's easy, man.

[C]

You got that?

[B]

I don't think it's easy. Easy. He hasn't spelled a goddamn thing yet, so I don't think any. He tried to make the noise of a dog and went.

[E]

Are you saying. Are you saying guitar?

[A]

I.

[B]

Guitar, Guitar, Guitar. Like. Like Matt Muling plays the electric guitar.

[E]

Oh, okay. That's nice. That's nice.

[C]

No, that's not a step. That's an example. He wasn't giving you a fact. That's. That's nice. I like. He plays guitar. That's nice. That's a good thing that he does.

[D]

I'm glad he play guitar. That good for that boy.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[D]

That's dope. You got to keep playing that guitar.

[C]

He playing real well.

[B]

I like him without. Without looking it up. This is your chance. Spell the word guitar.

[E]

I have to pass on that one.

[C]

You got to pass. You know what's weird? We had an easier time commuting with a guy from Korea. Hans's father doesn't speak a word of English. And we communicated with him. Your dad's in Orlando.

[B]

I just love the attitude that he has. Like, come on, man. Dog's too easy. Yeah, guitar. I got a pass.

[C]

I got a pass. Pas.

[B]

Tea. Pass.

[C]

Use nicotine in a sentence.

[D]

Oh, man, that's.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

I told you he can't.

[C]

You know the reason he couldn't count till 10, till he was 12 is your fault.

[B]

All right, this is just too much fun. So I'm going to give you one last word.

[C]

Dipping guards.

[B]

Leather. Spell the word leather.

[C]

Oh, dad.

[D]

That easy for.

[C]

We got this.

[B]

You're messing a bump when you tell them it's easy.

[C]

Easy as nothing is easy.

[B]

Leather. Go ahead.

[E]

All those words. All those words you give me is very, very easy. I'm a very good speller.

[K]

I'm.

[E]

Am I on the tv? Am I on the show for real?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I got bad news for you. You are. And you've spelled nothing so far.

[C]

You don't have.

[E]

Do you have my picture up there? You show my pictures. And this is cameras.

[B]

We will put it in.

[C]

Does he ever text you anything? Yeah. Do you know what the fuck he's saying?

[D]

Never. Never makes sense.

[C]

That's gotta spell.

[E]

I can spell rock. I can spell rock.

[C]

He could spell lock. Yeah, there you go. Spell rock. Oh, rock.

[B]

Yeah, go ahead.

[D]

M, O, N, E, Y.

[C]

He could spell rock, but not now.

[B]

Come on, give us leather. Come on, it's a real challenge. Go ahead. Leather. You got this. Bonsai makes leather joke books. Go ahead. It's your turn. You're going to spell it. It starts with an L. Here you go.

[E]

I can't. I can't spell that. Tony, come on.

[B]

Come on. Please just try. Please let. We just want to see how you would spell it.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

Let me tell you. He the one said that he taught it. I might make. I might get one little wrong that all of a sudden it's not on account one.

[C]

That's his daddy too.

[B]

Almost freaking fast.

[E]

I know.

[B]

This is hilarious. It really is. It's just a father and son. The father's like, my son couldn't count. And you're like cannot spell. So you want to throw me under the bus?

[C]

We got to get Hans out here and dial up his Father. And put the two phones together. His father talking to your father. Father. Oh, no, it's just an idea.

[D]

That'd be funny here.

[B]

It would be. They would get together like black on rice.

[D]

How the hell.

[B]

All right, Mr. Patterson, we're going to let you off the hook on this one. Clearly, you cannot spell anything.

[E]

I can go back to my basketball game now, sir. Thank you so much.

[B]

Wait, you're playing basketball?

[C]

Watch it.

[E]

No, I'm at a basketball game. I'm at a high school game.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Can you spell basketball?

[C]

I hope he has a family member there he's just not staring at Young Kiss.

[E]

That was. That was easy, too.

[B]

Go ahead, spell it if it's easy. Spell it real quick.

[E]

Let me tell you. It's so easy. Let me tell you.

[C]

Deflect, deflect, deflect.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[D]

Never going to get him.

[C]

You ain't going to get him.

[D]

He not going to spell for you.

[C]

He's too smart for us. He's got us over a barrel.

[D]

He's not going to spend more.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, Mr. Patterson, we love you.

[C]

We're gonna go G, O, O, D,

[B]

B, y, E. Goodbye, Mr. Patterson.

[D]

I think I would ask me.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, Cam. Very, very fun times. Very fun set. I love the idea. Great stuff. Another new minute from the great Cam Patterson, everybody. There he goes. Fuck, yeah. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. Another bucket pool. We're having a lot of fun here. Make some noise for your next person. Brand new. 60 seconds and it looks like a new name. Will load in. Everybody will laden or load in. Here we go. All right.

[G]

All right. Yeah. I don't know if you can tell from all this, but I clearly front porch sit a lot.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

I got me two lazy boys that I scotch guarded the out of. And I'll light up a Winston and watch the world go by. You know? I love it. I saw the cutest dog the other day. Cutest little dog.

[B]

He's a little Welsh corgi. He had a bandana on and his name was Winston Churchill. Oh, my God, he was so cute.

[G]

I just started petting him.

[C]

I go, hey, who was the secretary

[G]

of Her Majesty's Navy in 1920?

[C]

You were. Yes, you were. Yes, you were. Who said we would fight the Nazis on the beaches? We would fight them on the seas, we would fight them everywhere? You did. You're such a good boy. You're such a good boy who had an affair with Margaret Thatcher at the end of his life. You Did. You're so good. You're so good. You did a lot of great things at Yalta, too. Hey, who left 20,000 men to die in a botched mission during World War I?

[D]

You did.

[B]

Winston Churchill.

[C]

You're a bad dog, Winston.

[B]

You're a bad dog.

[G]

I just read a book on Winston Churchill, and I wanted to tell you all my facts. You know, I did that after. I did.

[B]

All right, there you go, going past your time. Will Loden, welcome to the show, Will. Have you been on before?

[G]

Yeah, like two years ago when y' all were at the Vulcan.

[B]

Yeah. You kind of look familiar. I wouldn't forget a face and body like yours.

[G]

Your crowds are mean, man.

[B]

What do you mean?

[G]

On the Internet.

[C]

They'll sit down, they worry. Right away, they'll go, how are you? They'll be friendly. This is a friendly crowd.

[G]

They said I look like Gandalf if he ate all the hobbits.

[B]

That is true. I stand by that.

[F]

You do?

[B]

You do. You do, indeed.

[C]

What's a book? You have a book?

[B]

Is that.

[G]

Yeah, I had the one from last.

[D]

Last time.

[G]

So, yeah. Oh, one of these little bad.

[B]

You got a big one. Looks like a little one in your hand, but, yeah. Absolutely. So you live here in Austin?

[G]

No, I stay in Houston.

[B]

Okay.

[G]

Yeah. Andy Huggins opened for you last night. Yeah, He's a goddamn treasure.

[C]

Yeah, we started out together.

[G]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, at the Comedy Store. Do you know who Andy Huggins is? He's a local Houston comic, and he opened. I was there last night. I played last night. So it's a history lesson followed by some radio reminiscing.

[G]

There we go.

[H]

There we go.

[O]

Yeah.

[C]

You seem like a nice, friendly guy, but it was just.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

It's not a. It didn't.

[N]

No worries.

[C]

It wasn't. Sometimes it feels different on the inside, right? And then it comes out, and it

[G]

feels just like I'm yelling random things. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

No. So you understand.

[G]

Oh, 100%. 100%.

[C]

You want to critique it?

[G]

Oh, I. It's. I shortened it up for the. The one minute and.

[C]

Yeah, no, that's what I was thinking. I was thinking when you were doing that.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

I wish this would go on for another. This seems like there's something missing. Like, he shortened it. It's too short. Why stop there right when.

[B]

When you got to it. I'm like, this is not the end. This is not the beginning of the end, but it may very well be the end of the beginning. It's a Winston Churchill quote.

[C]

Yeah, there we go. Yeah.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. I'm into a lot of World War II memorabilia, if you know what I mean. All right, well, what do you do for work? You're a big boy.

[G]

Yeah, I do drywall during the day. Yeah, I, I do drywall.

[C]

When you say you do drywall.

[G]

Yeah, I hold it up so the Mexicans can do it.

[B]

And there you go.

[C]

Because when someone, when a guy. Your side says, I do drywall, I would imagine you drill a little glory hole in it and you're doing it.

[G]

Yeah, no, I'm too tall for that. What's the point of the glory hole? If I can just look over, you know.

[B]

Wow, that's a good point. Oh.

[C]

Oh, you're right. Can't glory holes be. I've never part taken in one. But the size of the wall. How high is a wall that has a glory hole in it?

[G]

I mean, it varies. County to county, you know, and state to state.

[B]

Texas.

[C]

Let's just say Texas right there.

[G]

See the glory holes right around here? Dick floor.

[C]

I don't know. No.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

The history lesson continues for me. Yeah.

[B]

Drywall is a very hard job. I did it once for one day in Youngstown, Ohio, because it was a very well paying job. I remember hearing that it was like 45 an hour or something like that. And I'm like, oh, I'm gonna do that. And it was, I lasted one day. It was an excruciatingly impossible. Do you get on the stilts sometimes?

[G]

Yeah, but I usually let Jorge do that. I, I, I, I, I'll, I stay, I stay close to the ground and I'll just move all the heavy. But yeah, I've been on the stilts when you do like 10, 15T ceilings and. Yeah, it's rough, right?

[C]

Or you do the taping. That's taping, right?

[G]

Floating and taping. Yeah, a lot of that.

[B]

There you go. There you go, big dog. Yeah, it is.

[C]

I, I know about building. I know a little bit about. I know that if you build like five houses, you get a hotel.

[B]

Yeah, that is true. So what else about you will tell us something interesting about your life? You're into drywall. You've been doing Stand up in Houston. Give us a fun fact about Will that we would be surprised to know.

[G]

The last two girls I dated dumped me and one of them was.

[C]

Well, try doing one at a time.

[G]

Right. One of them was German and one of them was Jewish, so there's something they can agree on.

[B]

Ah, that's why the Winston Churchill research begins.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

How did what was the difference between the German and the Jewish dump?

[G]

The Jewish girl was very, very forward about everything. She was like, hey, I'm done with this. And then the German girl was like, I'm going back to Berlin, Houston. And I was like, that makes sense.

[C]

So the Jewish girl was forward. Yeah, I'm done with this.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

And the German girl was. She just wanted to get so far from you. She's not as direct.

[G]

Right. That's exactly.

[C]

I don't understand the. I don't understand the opposite.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It is very, very tricky. Did they give you a reason why they didn't like you anymore?

[G]

I'm a drunk. I don't know. There's a lot of that. There's. There's. Yeah, I was just getting hammered a lot, I think.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[C]

Okay, this is getting sad.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

All right, all right. Yeah, let's bring this one up.

[C]

Yeah. Getting sad.

[B]

What do you do when you drink a lot? Is there something that. Oh, I'm fine.

[G]

I just drink a lot of Jager and start, you know, spouting off theories. Yeah, I know, right?

[B]

What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you after drinking?

[G]

I mean, jail.

[B]

Tell us about that. How did you end up there? How are you?

[C]

Were you in jail?

[G]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

How long?

[G]

It was a couple days. It was in Mississippi. That's where I'm from, so.

[C]

Okay, what's it. Do you have a good cell story? A good jail story?

[F]

Story?

[G]

I. I got to. I got to throw the gang sign in jail once. That was nice.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

I walked in. They were. They were processing me out of a jail, and so there were a bunch of. Bunch of guys who were there for an extended period of time, and I got picked up in March, and so they were all wearing, like, winter clothes, so they'd been there for a long time.

[B]

Right.

[G]

And I walked in, I was dressed kind of like this, but my hair was up real big.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

And they were like, look at this right here. Look at this right here. You like this? You like this? And I go, I don't know what that means, but thank you. And then they were like, nah, just kidding, man. Man, I'm telling long stories, you know?

[C]

Yeah. But there is a niche for boring prison.

[G]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[C]

Like bedtime prison stories for kids. Like, it's boring, bad happens.

[G]

Then we ate shitty sandwiches and moon pies, you know?

[C]

Yeah. Just bad prison stories. This is when I watch the show. I'm a huge fan of the show.

[F]

Show.

[C]

This is where I would like. I fast Forward, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Right. 100%.

[C]

Yeah, but I'm here, right? I can't fast forward.

[B]

Nope, we cannot. But we can move along. There goes Will Loden, everybody. He already has a big joke book. We're on to the next bucket pool. There goes Will, everybody. And like that, we're moving along. I agree with Howie. That is the. That is the live way of fast forwarding. Make some noise for your next comedian. Straight out of the bucket. Tom Robinson, everybody. Tom Robinson is on the inside.

[C]

Timing is everything.

[B]

Tom Robinson. Oh, okay, Yeah, I guess. T O N I. Robinson. That is Tony.

[C]

Tony. You read Tony wrong.

[B]

But look, the. No, that, that. It looks connected.

[C]

Oh, to and I. It's Tony. Tony is a tough name for you

[B]

to pronounce, but the ends. Connected.

[C]

Was that a girl? Is that a woman?

[B]

Female, I believe.

[E]

Female.

[B]

All right. Here's Tony Robinson.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Hi, how are you?

[K]

Why do Republicans want to go to heaven? Don't they know it's a gun free zone? Why do vegans want to go to heaven? Don't they know it's the land of milk and honey, AKA the land of murder? And we're not changing into the land of oat, milk and agave. We asked Jesus and he said no, where there's agave, there's usually agay. And so we're not doing that. I have been more woke since I saw you guys last. I got a black guy's number and I didn't have to buy drugs. I didn't know you could do that. That was so cool. We've only been on one date, but I painted pair. Brought a mini sized ranch dressing with me in case he needed it. And then we got to a pool puddle. I made sure I put my coat down so he didn't drown. He's really liked me for it. I want to maybe date a Jewish guy, though. I've heard they're super freaky. I mean, apparently they're all going to raves and you know that. Like people that go to raves, way more into shit anyways. And also their grandparents. Super freaky. I've heard they used to, like, get in groups of up to 40 and take really big showers and, like, go so hard not one could walk out. Thank you.

[B]

Hell yeah. Tony Robinson.

[C]

Welcome.

[B]

Welcome. You've been on this show before, yeah?

[K]

Yes, I've been here before. I know the layout. Sorry.

[C]

Always close.

[K]

I didn't understand. There you go. Show me.

[C]

There you go.

[B]

There you go.

[K]

Thank you.

[B]

No big deal. Tony, over here. Over here. There you go.

[C]

All Right.

[B]

Okay. She falls in love with band members quick. Did you see that?

[K]

He wasn't here last time.

[B]

Okay.

[K]

Yeah, I was joking, but I'm here.

[C]

He's. He's here to give me rim shots.

[K]

I love it.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

So, Tony, how's it been going since the last time we saw you?

[K]

Really good.

[B]

Tell us more.

[K]

Yeah, I've been going up as much as I can and posting on Instagram. I don't know. Doing good. Yeah, it's been helping. My DMs have been a little better. I've been trying to be more woke. Like I told you guys. I'm trying to. To be less East Texas, become a little more accepting and know about more cultures. Swiped on in a mirror. Didn't know where he was from, but it wasn't from here, so I thought that was okay. It didn't go too well though. And I talked to a black guy. For real? That was real. He asked me why I was like the first one that he's the first one I messaged and I lied. But it was really because he was like the shiniest one I'd ever seen.

[B]

Luck, like, he was second.

[K]

He was like so well oiled. He was just like. Like I was the ashy one, you know, and like I'm. I have less money than him. I'm the one with like less education. He's been to college. I have like a criminal record.

[C]

You do?

[K]

I'm the one with fake nails.

[C]

What's your criminal record?

[K]

Yeah, just. It was actually so lame. Just got caught smoking weed at a state park.

[C]

Did you go to jail?

[K]

So, yeah, for real.

[B]

There he is right now, everybody. Shiny, very well moisturized. D Madness.

[K]

I had an idea for a show with him that I've been thinking about. What I think you should call it like Double D Madness. And he gets to like feel people's hits and judge their gender and bra size based off just feeling. I think there be spin offs for this show. I think you have a lot of.

[B]

You think of this idea after smoking weed in a state park.

[K]

Yeah, okay.

[C]

Actually, the thing is, I'm watching you. You have some like concepts and then you lose faith in the middle of your concept.

[K]

You go, oh, I liked everything I've said. I'm so sorry.

[C]

No, but you do. You go, I'm gonna have a double D show with him. And then he comes out. And then, you know, I had to grab tits and stuff like that.

[K]

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I'm an East Texas woman, so I came from a place that, like, women can't usually be on stage, have opinions, speak loudly. It is hard for me, you know?

[C]

I hope that was you.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I didn't pull your finger.

[K]

We're not ready.

[B]

Paul Diemer playing what we're all thinking. I love, love it. So, Tony, have you been doing stand up other places?

[K]

Yeah, but this is only my sixth time.

[B]

Sixth time ever on stage.

[K]

Well, I've been going up since I was last on here every chance I get. But, I mean, I'm come here every other weekend and. Yeah, but I work most. I'm only off Sunday, Mondays.

[C]

What do you do?

[K]

Bartend.

[C]

At, like, at a establishment?

[K]

Yes. It's a real home. Well, it's real. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Are you on medicine or something?

[K]

No, I stopped it.

[C]

You stopped it an hour ago?

[K]

Yeah, no. Damn. This is actually pretty good for me if. Yeah, I had a problem with edibles for a while after I got on the show. Got real confident, kept going open mics, kept trying, took a bunch of edibles, blacked out up an open mic real hard since then. Now

[C]

there's no space between. Between any of the words.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[K]

That's the East Texas thing.

[B]

It's all one word. Mr. Patterson wouldn't be able to spell anything you're saying right now, right?

[K]

Not at all. That was very fun to watch.

[C]

Is this an East Texas thing? I don't know.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Is there anybody here from East Texas?

[B]

Oh, the Texans behind us are going hard. No, they're saying no, this is just a Tony Robinson thing.

[K]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[K]

Well, I'm thrilled to be here.

[B]

Well, I wish we could say the same. So we're gonna keep it moving along. There goes Tony Robinson. You got up again. You have a little joke book keeping it moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket. We go make some noise for Zach Butkovich. Zach Butkovich looks like a new.

[M]

Diabetic. Yeah, but a lot of people tell me I don't look diabetic, and that doesn't help. But, you know, it's not that bad, actually, because I'm like. I'm a type 1 diabetic, so that means I can, like, eat whatever I want. I just have to take insulin before every meal. So if I'm ever feeling depressed, I just won't. Yeah, don't worry. It's not sad. I don't have to, like, buy a gun or swan dive off a bridge. I'll just go to Golden Corral,

[D]

let

[M]

the chocolate fountain do all the work. Yeah, like, I'll just be at my birthday party, blow my candles out. Everyone will be like, what'd you wish for? You'll see. Yeah. I still remember whenever I got diagnosed with diabetes. Diabetes. I walked in to his doctor's office and he said, Mr. Buckovich, we just got your blood work back and we can't sugarcoat this. All right, guys, I'm Zach Butkovich. Thank you very much.

[C]

It's like if Theo Vaughn had a life threatening disease and didn't want to do comedy anymore, this is exactly what it would be like.

[B]

Yeah. This is your first time on the show, right, Zach?

[M]

Absolutely.

[B]

How long you been doing standup?

[M]

It was three years in October.

[B]

Where at?

[M]

St. Louis.

[B]

St. Louis. And what do you do for a living?

[M]

Right now? I stock and order wood molding at Home Depots.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Okay.

[M]

That's way more applause than I would

[B]

have gave that job.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

All right. And what's your love life like? What are you stalking there?

[C]

Hopefully women, you know, you're not sure?

[M]

Well, like, the things I'm stalking. Hopefully it's women. No, my love life, it's all right. You know, it's like a hit or miss. But I get a lot off charm sometimes.

[B]

Off what?

[M]

Off charm.

[C]

Is that a nap?

[M]

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[C]

At Home Depot, is that where you make. Made them?

[M]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

You show them your wood?

[M]

Yeah, I have like a. Yeah, I have like a language coach. They're teaching me how to speak Spanish.

[B]

And, you know, I'm give us a little example of some of the Spanish.

[M]

Oh, maybe in.

[C]

Oh, wow. It's amazing. It's amazing. It's like.

[M]

Yeah, we're not very far in yet.

[C]

Sound like you were born there.

[M]

Thank you.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

I'm talking about at Home Depot.

[M]

Just as much of a compliment.

[C]

I thank you.

[M]

Just as much of a compliment.

[C]

It is a.

[M]

Appreciate that.

[C]

No, no, it's. It's what I do. That's what I do. So are you healthy? Are you. Are you doing okay?

[M]

Yeah, you know, I'm trying to keep my blood sugar in order.

[C]

Right.

[I]

Yeah.

[M]

I went to Round Rock Donuts yesterday, though. That didn't help. But I'm having a good time without a punchline.

[C]

Yeah, I went the other day and eat a donut. Yep. Yeah, that's the end.

[M]

Good day.

[B]

There's a real hole in your donut joke there. So what did you get from the donut place?

[M]

I got like a box yesterday.

[B]

Huh.

[M]

Got some cream Bismarcks, some. One of those things with the. The eclairs. Got some eclairs.

[B]

Moybie. In.

[M]

Yes, yes.

[D]

Just.

[M]

It was Moy.

[C]

BN Donuts.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You're really like country for St. Louis, aren't you?

[M]

Yeah, I'm, like, technically from, like, southern Illinois on the Illinois side of the border.

[C]

Because you're coming off really East Texas to me.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[C]

I don't know. Feel at home, but I love it. I love it. So you got donuts. A lot of donuts. So is this a true story? Was it a.

[M]

Absolutely a true story.

[C]

No, I mean, like, you're committing. You're trying to. Like you said, like. I don't want to say the word. I don't want to trigger anybody.

[M]

No, I. I shot some insulin before I ate the donuts.

[B]

Oh, good.

[M]

Yeah, good.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

It's good to hear you're in good shape.

[B]

All right.

[M]

Wouldn't have been here today, right?

[C]

This whole show is getting so sad.

[B]

It's weird. It's weird. We. We. We were really. We were riding high.

[C]

I was so excited and I was going to tell everybody. Oh, you got to see me on kill, Tony.

[B]

It's funny.

[C]

You'll laugh. People got arrested. We talked to fathers.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then we took this downturn.

[B]

Yeah, the first 70% was amazing.

[C]

Yeah. It's like a diabetes telethon.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We'll take your pledges if you want.

[B]

It's hard to follow a black father spelling bee when he passes on every word. Oh, that one's easy. Okay, well, then spell it. I'm gonna pass. It's really hard to follow that.

[J]

Right.

[B]

But here we are. Come on, give us something of your entire life. You're. You're in it right now. Give us something.

[C]

What?

[B]

You. What do you think people would find so interesting about you?

[M]

Well, I don't.

[B]

Seems like you have something prepared for this.

[M]

No, I'm trying to think. I was. My dad died when I was nine.

[D]

That may be up.

[C]

Let's call him. Let's phone him.

[M]

Yeah, yeah, phone him. Let's talk to him.

[B]

He still currently spells as many words as Mr. Patterson does.

[M]

I was on a high school school board.

[B]

Okay.

[J]

Yeah, I got elected as a high

[M]

school school board member.

[B]

Yeah, well, we're bored.

[C]

This last week. This was last week?

[M]

No, it was not last week. It was like five years ago.

[C]

I was trying to make a joke. I was. Cuz you're older. The joke was because you'd be on the school board when you were a kid, Right? Sure.

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

Anymore. So I said it was last week to try to get a laugh, and now I know how you felt during Your minute.

[B]

How did your dad die when you were 9?

[M]

Died in a car accident.

[B]

Single car accident or.

[M]

No, there was actually one of his buddies was in the car with him that had. Like his son was around my age and he lived.

[J]

Lived.

[B]

Huh. But the two. But his buddy died as well.

[M]

No, like, my dad died. His buddy lived.

[B]

His buddy. The buddy lived and the son lived. Yes. And was your dad driving?

[M]

Yes.

[B]

Was it his fault?

[C]

Are you turning this comedy around?

[B]

Who knows? Any second it could happen. Let's find out. We could turn this around like. But it's. Dad didn't do that with the car. Okie dokie.

[C]

Yeah.

[M]

I don't know whose fault it was.

[B]

There we go. Trying to.

[C]

Here we are.

[B]

Trying. In honor of your.

[C]

Do you realize this is the third death in this show? Two kids drown and his father.

[B]

In honor.

[C]

Happy.

[B]

In honor of your father's car accident, we are going to. From our friends over at Eddie Bees, we're going to buy you a T bone steak.

[J]

Wow.

[C]

Covered in maple syrup.

[B]

Yeah.

[M]

Delicious.

[B]

Okay. This is your first time on the show.

[H]

Absolutely.

[B]

This is a little joke book. There you go. There you go. Zach Butkovich, everybody. Thank you. All right, we're flying through it. This is indeed your final bucket pull of the night. And it's a good looking name. Anything can happen here. This is either gonna be insanity or insanity. Make some noise for Uncle Alphonse, everybody. I have a feeling about this one. First time, Uncle Alphonse. Yep. Here we go.

[N]

Hey, what's good? So where my acid droppers at?

[C]

Hey.

[N]

So at least some people gonna relate. So I took some a couple weeks ago, right? I felt the nerds to just try something new. So I had some Kool aid and I was like, let's throw some tobacco basket on this. Let's get that spicy kool Aid going. The acid kicked in. The herds came in and I just ran around for the next two hours.

[C]

Just.

[B]

Holy.

[N]

Thank you. That was the acid droppers laughing. So I like to eat really fancy. I like to eat like really good. And something I started doing is like judging. Judging people based upon forks at the table. So everybody wants to be the dinner fork. Four prong strong, big, ready to eat.

[D]

You know what I'm saying?

[N]

But then you got your salad forks. The people that are like, you're crisp with. But they're only three prongs. Then you got your oyster for two prongs. But the worst of them all, your spork ass. You think it's a multi tool.

[B]

There you go. That is where it ends. Turns out nobody gives a fork about your jokes. This is incredible. If you would have told me just by looking at you, who on the stage tonight was a lifeguard in which two people perished, I'd have you all day. You look like a lifeguard that literally, absolutely just enjoys watching people die. This is incredible. You look like if Lucifer took a vacation to Hawaii or something like that. This is absolutely amazing. You look like something that Snoop Dogg considered himself or one of the, like, Snoop lion or something. But like a. You look like. You look like you're both like a gay and Reagan.

[N]

I like that.

[B]

It is absolutely incredible. You look like a magician that went through a fucking. Like, his clothes caught on fire and you were stuck finding something to wear, and then you put together this off of things that you found on the street. This is absolutely incredible. It is. You look like. Oh, you look like the ghost underneath Willie Nelson's bed. It is absolutely frightening. It is unbelievable. Yeah, okay. All right.

[C]

Howie.

[N]

Howie.

[C]

I can't do that.

[N]

Give me the best.

[C]

If Wednesday was Thursday,

[B]

This is. Do that.

[C]

I have my own. I'm trying to figure. You are the most confusing thing I've ever seen. And when you say you took acid last week, do you mean an hour ago?

[B]

Yeah.

[N]

It's still hitting.

[C]

It is. It is. Do you do your own braiding? I do, yeah. How long does that take you?

[N]

Five minutes. I got pretty quick. I'm fast.

[B]

I mean, what is time if you're on acid? You know what I mean?

[C]

Staring at four.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You got the salad fork. Yeah.

[N]

The Avenger.

[C]

You got the main fork. You got the spork.

[B]

All these.

[C]

You got all the different forks. And if you like what I do next week, I'm back with spoons. I got a whole spoon stick that is gonna kill.

[B]

How long have you been trying stand up comedy?

[N]

So collectively, two years, over 10 years. Been doing like.

[C]

Collectively two years over 10 years. I mean, like, call him Hans's father. He's a mathematician. He's been doing two years. Over 10 years. You spread it out. You've done two years of comedy over 10 years.

[N]

You know, I come back and.

[C]

Pardon me.

[F]

Back and forth.

[N]

I'm back and forth. You know, I'm trying to make sure I'm there, but.

[C]

And then you're gone.

[N]

You have a bomb or where Tony just keeps on the roastings. And then you're like, I guess I gotta take a break, right?

[C]

Oh, this is. You're gonna take a break.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

This went well. This went well. The Whole fork thing. Did you see how engaged.

[N]

Oh, then I'll take it.

[C]

No. Who doesn't love fork?

[N]

This is my first time here.

[C]

I'm nervous.

[B]

So, Alphonse, where were you born? Were you born in a cloud of vape smoke? What is this? Exactly where. Where are you? Where are you from? Exactly where does someone like you come from?

[N]

Born in Florida. Orlando.

[C]

Orlando.

[N]

Beach time. I'm beach moment.

[B]

You're underneath. You lived underneath one of Cam's rocks.

[C]

He's a spelling tutor in Orlando. Oh, Cam.

[N]

Rod.

[C]

Wait, hold on.

[N]

On. But Cam's rock.

[B]

What are you reaching for right now? Oh, a rock. Look at that. That is.

[C]

That's actually his testicle. He just ripped it off.

[B]

Yeah. I believe that's just one of Alonso's kidney stones that he's pulling out right now.

[N]

I only got one, so I hope this didn't come out of it.

[B]

You only have one kidney? Well, you sold the other one for weed.

[D]

I wish.

[N]

They'll give me more money for the

[C]

acid in the weed. What happened to your other kidney?

[N]

God me over, I guess.

[B]

Tell us about it. Explain to us.

[G]

Yeah.

[N]

No. So I was born without it. Apparently the cords are there, but some of it has, like, some missing parts, too.

[C]

You're missing parts in your kidney, and

[N]

I'm missing a lot of parts. I'm missing a lot of parts.

[M]

Baby.

[B]

Yeah. This is incredible.

[C]

Are you married? Do you have a. I know. She wearing a ring. Are you married?

[N]

No.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

No.

[N]

No married.

[E]

No married.

[C]

Do you have a girlfriend?

[N]

No.

[E]

No.

[C]

You date?

[D]

I do.

[C]

Yeah. How's that going? I mean, it seems pretty good talking to them.

[N]

It seems pretty good.

[B]

Yeah. It seems pretty good.

[N]

Sorry, I'm nervous. Hell. But yes, it's been good.

[C]

Just judge how you gauge.

[B]

Like, if I hit out there on camera, like right now, I'll be like,

[N]

oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

What I believe what he's trying to say is he's a rapist.

[N]

It smell like chloroform.

[C]

What?

[N]

It smell like chloroform.

[B]

Okay, very good, Uncle Alons.

[N]

You're welcome.

[C]

Wow. It went from being a joke to actually being scary.

[B]

What's your writing process when you were writing those fork jokes? Where exactly does that come from? How do you know of an oyster fork?

[N]

Because I go and eat and I use them.

[C]

He said he likes to go to fancy places and eat.

[N]

What?

[C]

Can't tell.

[B]

I know, I looked.

[C]

You're a fancy eater. You're a foodie.

[N]

I'm a huge foodie.

[C]

I know. You go to the the best, the finest. Well, you know, five star restaurant.

[N]

Five stars. Over a thousand reviews.

[C]

You know, I could tell where you head after this. What is the restaurant of choice tonight?

[D]

So I did actually.

[N]

Alexandra Steakhouse.

[B]

Yeah, something like that.

[N]

It was great.

[B]

It was good. No. No one's heard of that. There's a hundred steakhouses in Austin. I. No one's heard of Alexander's. Anyone to Alexander's? No.

[C]

No.

[B]

Zero percent.

[C]

Was it crowded? Was it crowded?

[N]

It was pretty good.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's not real. It was. It was part of the ass.

[C]

You know what it was? It was you alone and there's mirrors on the walls. You go look at everybody.

[B]

Yeah, look at that.

[C]

Everybody's braided and eating steak.

[B]

Yeah, Alexander's Steakhouse with the famous golden arches tripping your ball off.

[C]

What's the significance of the mustache on your calf?

[B]

Good question.

[N]

So I actually have a few of them mustaches.

[C]

You've got one on your face.

[B]

Yep.

[I]

One on my face.

[N]

I got on my finger one of my calf. So for the mustaches. It's honestly just something that I started when I was younger. I had a few friends that committed suicide, so I created. I know, I know, I know. So I started a little group, and it was basically just kind of like a gentleman's thing where a bunch of people came together as men, were able to talk the shit out.

[C]

I know.

[B]

It's this bucket sometimes. I mean, you live by the sword, you die by the sword.

[C]

It's like a fucking bucket list. What this is.

[B]

This is.

[C]

I heard there are way better episode. It's the worst fucking episode.

[B]

Oh, it's great.

[C]

Is it?

[B]

No. You guys are having fun, right? These people love the chaos. It's part of the beauty of an unproduced.

[C]

I've never seen so much death in one comedy show.

[B]

I know.

[C]

So every time somebody dies, you put a fucking mustache on your.

[N]

Every time.

[C]

Every time.

[B]

Well, I'm missing one.

[N]

I got to get another one.

[C]

You know, somebody just died recently. And where is his mustache going? Or are these European women. Are they European women that have died?

[N]

Maybe I'll just make the eyebrows connect.

[B]

You know, I can't imagine what your pubes. It must look like.

[N]

Very curly.

[B]

Very curly.

[C]

Are they waxed like that? Do you make it? Do you do that?

[N]

You know, it's gotta be presentable.

[C]

Don't.

[B]

All right, Uncle Alphonse, Congratulations. Here's a small joke book. Here's some Zipix toothpicks. Can you catch these? There you go.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

Extra hard when you're on acid. There he goes, Uncle Alphonse. All right, now we're gonna do something special right here, ladies and gentlemen. Of course, the great William Montgomery always closes the shows, but he could not make this one. I know, I know. Very disappointing. However, we do have a very special treat. Golden ticket winner is here and very famous from America's Got Talent. So this is a very special crossover moment where him and Howie are going to be reunited. Make some noise for Kill Tony. Let's legend Aaron Belial, everybody. Here we go. Hell, yeah. Beautiful. Come on. Keep it going for Aaron Belial, everybody. You know what the is up. Hell, yeah, baby. Here he is, Aaron Belial.

[L]

Some parts of AGT were really weird. I don't know if Terry Crews was nervous or confused, but he kept hanging his big black microphone in front of my mouth. I knew this was gonna happen, but I didn't think my BBC story would happen live on America's Got Talent. What do you want me to do? Moan into it? Put it in my mouth.

[C]

Oh,

[K]

All right.

[L]

I'm just glad he didn't me into a wheelchair. They're gonna cut this entire segment, aren't they?

[A]

Last 45 minutes, I think.

[B]

Yeah, it's gonna be a tight edit. How about one more time for the great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen? Terry Crews has a great sense of humor.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, I had a great time working at agt, what was happening. And I loved you when you were on it, but that was. You're great. You're great. You're always great, but I don't want to get in. I don't. I like the job.

[B]

Yeah, no doubt.

[C]

So I. There were three deaths.

[B]

Four deaths.

[C]

That guy had. Or five. That guy had the mustaches all over the two kids. Yeah. The suicide. That guy lost his father, all his friends committed suicide, and you just killed my career.

[B]

Yeah. The good news is you can be a guest on Kil Tony anytime you want. We'll have you here. Doesn't quite pay as well at all.

[L]

Don't worry, they can cut the entire show.

[C]

No, they won't. This is fun. This is actually a lot of fun. And you are great. And, you know, it was great. He is the true consummate professional. I don't know that people know this, but, you know, he's got a lot of technology that has to work. And on the semifinals, number one, I said to you. I came backstage and I said to you. I. I knew you before you were on our show from Kill Tony, and I loved you and I was a fan, and you showed up and I knew you. And you know, on network tv, you can't do. You can't do. You. You can't suck off. You can't. Yeah, but I said, I like that you're dirty and edgy and. And all that. And then on the semi finals, I don't know if you know that there was a technical problem and you picked it up like that. He said that he got a call. I don't know if you ever watch it, if you watch it on YouTube. He said he had another call coming in, but his speaker up, his phone up. On the last one. On the last one,

[B]

yeah.

[L]

Thank you so much for always finding me after the AGT shows and being so supportive. I remember after the finals, I was so mad that I started crying like a. And you found me and hugged me.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I did.

[B]

It's gotta be so weird when someone,

[C]

because I felt bad about I thought it would be funny if I dismantled a speaker. And when it happened, I had to go back and say I'm sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[L]

Which is a lot for you because I got Covid and two pink eyes.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. Welcome to an episode of Kill. Howie, everybody.

[C]

So is everybody you know alive, or have you had any deaths in your circle recently? Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, here we go.

[L]

They're all alive.

[B]

That's good. But he's typing more, unfortunately.

[C]

What? Unfortunately? Is that what he said? Unfortunately? He. He hates his family.

[B]

Yeah, it is true. They are Canadian.

[C]

You are. We're from the same town. Yeah, we're Canadians. Which is if you don't understand our culture, it's kind of like Texas.

[L]

Do you guys want to call my dad? He can't spell either.

[C]

What does he do? What does your dad do? What does your dad do?

[L]

Disability.

[B]

He specializes in it. Does he really? He specializes in disability?

[C]

No. I saw your parents.

[G]

He didn't.

[C]

You're a liar.

[L]

He's on disability.

[B]

Oh, he's on disability. Wow. Runs in the family. And nobody runs in that family, it seems.

[L]

You met my stepdad.

[C]

Oh, that wasn't your. He said he was. He's a. And your stepdad's a liar.

[B]

Yeah. Stepdad. Those goddamn stepdads. Always trying to claim that they're the actual dad. Yeah, that's what happens.

[C]

It's hell. That is real hell. Do you want us to call him? Is he funny? Can he. You make that decision. I don't want to make that decision.

[B]

I mean, it seems like he's funny. Okay, let's call him.

[C]

Let's Call him.

[B]

Wait, you have a second phone?

[C]

Oh, shit.

[B]

Why did you have two phones? This is where we find out Aaron Belial is a cocaine dealer, ladies and gentlemen. Why did you have that on Horror Agt, man? All right, here we go. Calling dad,

[C]

John Belial. Joe. Joe. It's Joe Bilial. Joe.

[B]

Hello, Joe.

[C]

How you doing? I can hardly hear you.

[B]

I know. As you could tell, even though I'm calling from Aaron's phone, I'm not Aaron because I don't sound like a robot. This is Tony from Kill Tony. Your son's on Kill Tony right now, where it's a special episode where we're calling dads. You're live on the air with Howie Mandel and a million plus people watching.

[C]

Well, I feel real bad for all of you. You got to listen to him. Well, most of. Most of the set that he just performed, we weren't listening. He was just sucking somebody.

[L]

My dad's a prick.

[C]

That's what he was sucking off. Well, he's just jealous because it'll never be as big as his dad's.

[B]

Damn. I guess the apple doesn't fall far

[L]

from the seen It. It isn't that big.

[B]

Whoa. He just said that yours isn't that big, dad. What do you have to say about that?

[C]

Well, that means he's got nothing, but he's. He's in. He's kind of. He's saying that you're not satisfying his mother. A.

[B]

Pardon?

[C]

Hello? I didn't hear you.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

Oh, he was insinuating that you're not satisfying his mother sexually.

[B]

What? Exactly what were you. Were you. Were you drinking or doing any drugs when you made Aaron?

[C]

Oh, no, it was just. It was mushrooms.

[B]

It's all made.

[C]

We stayed in the woods for a long time. We had Husky and that's why when he talks. It's.

[B]

Amazing. Amazing. Dad, we gotta keep it moving. Thank you so much for talking to us. Your son is absolutely killing it. Congratulations. We'll talk again soon. Love you. Bye bye. Thank you.

[C]

That's amazing. That is.

[B]

Hell yeah. That is incredible. The great Joe Belial. Aaron, any parting words?

[L]

I'm gonna be all over Florida in January. Shows are gonna sell out, so get tickets on mutecomedian.com. i'm gonna wrestle an alligator on stage with my strong hand.

[B]

There you go. Mutecomedian.com. oh, there's something else.

[L]

America's Got Talent really let me down. I still haven't gotten my citizenship. So, Howie, I was just wondering if maybe. Would it be cool if I. Your Daughter.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. He couldn't do that one on agt,

[C]

you know, it's good. That is. You know why that she's in the room.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. You might have a chance, Aaron.

[C]

She's in. We're in town doing my podcast.

[L]

I'll wash my hands. Don't worry, Howie. I'll wash my hands first.

[C]

All right, all right. Fuck my daughter.

[B]

There you go. He gets to fuck his daughter. There goes Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen, and we've gone into overtime. We have a second show that we're doing tonight, a second taping. We were very, very happy to squeeze Howie in and do two tapings tonight. This was absolutely awesome. But before we do, we have one more special treat. Even though I've had to pee for an hour and a half, we're gonna extend the episode just a little bit longer. You guys like special treats, right? One last thing. Another golden tea ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. This is another new minute from kill. Tony Icon. Heath Cordis, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh. One last performance, 21 years old. Heath Cordis, 21.

[O]

Dating's kind of hard for me because I'm like a delta pen at a smoke shop. The people who like me prefer the illegal ones, But I still try to have fun with it. And the only picture I have on Tinder right now is a me and cam. That way, if girls ask, which one are you? I can say, I'm the black guy. And I had this one girl reply with, I'm not really into black guys. Do you have the white one's number? And I think she was trying to flirt, but being the charming black man that I was, I was offended. What she said was rude and hurtful and shallow. So I sent her a message, and I was like, bitch, I'm actually super white. Can you come over right now, please? Thank you, guys.

[B]

Boom. Exactly a minute, in and out, the future Heath Cordes has arrived. 21 years old. Got stuck looking 11 at some point.

[O]

Yes, sir.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

What's your hat say?

[B]

I got it.

[O]

I'm coming out with it right now. Old enough to fuck.

[B]

Oh, shit. I love it. New Heath Cordis. Merch. Explain your condition to have Howie so that he understands exactly what we're dealing with.

[C]

How do you explain your condition to me?

[O]

Oh, yeah, you're a germaphobe. My bad.

[C]

Why do I have to touch?

[O]

I never wash my hands. So you made the right call.

[C]

That's a condition that really is.

[O]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't think there's anything wrong with him? Is it a.

[B]

He doesn't look a little young to you?

[C]

Isn't that. He know we're in Florida? You're not from Florida, right?

[O]

No, I'm not. I'm from Alabama. There's something wrong with me for sure.

[C]

Yeah. You're funny.

[O]

Thank you, Howie. I think you're funny.

[C]

Thank you.

[O]

Yes, sir.

[C]

What, what is the. What is the what. What do you. What the. What do you call it?

[B]

Your pituitary.

[O]

Pituitary, that's what I call it. Pituitary.

[C]

Are you a good swimmer?

[O]

Not really.

[C]

Okay.

[O]

Yeah. I suck at everything athletically. Really?

[C]

Okay.

[O]

Yeah.

[B]

What about T ball?

[O]

T ball? I'd smash them. T ball?

[B]

Hell yeah.

[O]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you do. How long you been doing this? This?

[O]

Two years.

[C]

Two years. You're really good. Thank you. And where do you live? Do you live here now?

[O]

I do, yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

I think that you. You should do something on television. I would love to do like a. A prank show with this guy.

[O]

Let's do it.

[C]

Do a prank show.

[O]

We should.

[C]

We should. I want to get your number or figure out how to get in touch with you.

[B]

Yeah, I'd love that.

[K]

Yeah. How?

[B]

I love it.

[C]

Cuz. I love.

[B]

I think. Listen, this is a great idea.

[C]

If you're to going to have an issue in life, the issue should be you look like a good looking young kid. You know, that's. That's not a horrible issue. You're okay, right? You're okay.

[O]

I'm having fun with it.

[C]

Do you date? Really?

[O]

I'm trying. Yeah.

[C]

You like older women?

[O]

Yeah. I'd be down.

[C]

What's the oldest woman you've ever been with?

[O]

I've never been with a single woman. Howie. Yeah.

[B]

Howie, how old's your daughter again? Oh, my goodness.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[B]

It is incredible.

[C]

The most up Minaj I've ever thought of.

[B]

Yeah, imagine.

[C]

Sorry, Jackie. Well, okay.

[B]

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to everything in the future with you, Heath, and. And I think that's a brilliant idea. Howie.

[K]

Yeah.

[O]

I have a license.

[C]

So do you get pulled over?

[O]

I've never been pulled over because I look like.

[C]

What is wrong with the cop?

[B]

This is what happens when you defund the police. It's just nine year olds out there slipping around in a Corvette.

[O]

They don't give a.

[C]

And you're old enough to.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Does that hat work for you? Haven't been with a woman.

[O]

Not yet, but we're going to make this hat a reality soon.

[B]

Absolutely.

[C]

Are you on any of the dating Apps. Really?

[O]

No, not really.

[C]

Really?

[O]

No.

[C]

No. So how are you trying to make it a reality? Where do you go to meet women?

[M]

They.

[O]

They come in my DMs, but they're out of state. That's the problem.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And what do you ask for? Like a play date?

[O]

Yeah. I'd be down.

[B]

Tea party. Heath, you're a monster. We got to put a ribbon on this episode. Heath Cordis, ladies and gentlemen. Guys, how loud can this place get for the great and powerful Howie Mandel, everybody. Howie Mandel does stuff his podcast on the Internet. I'm taping an episode tomorrow. We're going to have a lot of fun. Thank you so much.

[C]

The best. You made a dream come true.

[B]

Oh, my God. We're so happy to have you. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Check out Howie Mandel does stuff. Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hulk, Law firm, ninja party. Bus.com Austin security guard service. Killmerch.com connect mobilehealth.com use the promo code kill15. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in. How about one more time for Matt Muelling on the guitar. John D's on the keys. D Madness on the face. Paul Deamer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Let's see the drawing from local artist Chris Rogers. It's a new Cam Patterson. Check out the Sunset Strip. Atx.com There you go. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody.

[C]

It. Sam.

[B]

Sa.