#642 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND + SAM TALLENT

Summary

Kill Tony #642 Summary

Recorded: December 25, 2023
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Guests: Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand, Sam Tallent
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, with Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This special Christmas episode of Kill Tony brings together an all-star panel of comedians—Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand, and Sam Tallent—joining host Tony Hinchcliffe at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, Texas. Amidst a raucous, supportive, and sometimes savage live audience, aspiring and seasoned comics pull their names from the legendary bucket for 60 seconds of high-stakes stand-up, followed by interviews and roast-heavy feedback from the panel and band.

The episode delivers both hilarious highs and uncomfortable lows, mixing sharp-tongued critiques, unpredictable comedy talent, and off-the-cuff banter from some of today’s best comics. Notable moments include surprise walkthroughs, risky crowd work, deeply personal stories, and relentless riffing on both the comics and the panel itself.

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Key Segments & Notable Moments

1. Opening & Introduction

• Tony introduces the show, hyping up the upcoming New Year’s special event and promising an unfiltered, wild evening (03:00).
• Quote: "Occasionally it's beauty, chaos, and tonight is everything under the fucking sun..." – Tony Hinchcliffe [09:35]
• Sam Tallent is introduced as the night's first special guest and panelist, with reminders about his new comedy special dropping the next day.

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2. Regular Set: Hans Kim

[13:18–18:38]

• Hans Kim opens with rapid-fire jokes ranging from drones in Redban’s club to being patriotic and an awkward bit about his girlfriend's intelligence.
• The interview veers into Hans's actual-life misadventure: a wrestling match with security at the Mothership’s Christmas party, resulting in memories of intoxicated chaos ("...it looked like the Rape of Nanking." – Sam Tallent, [14:37]).
• The panel riffs hard on Hans's mushroom use, flight mishaps, and his confused state.

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3. Bucket Pulls Begin

Tony Cruz

[19:18–30:47]

• Energy and swagger, but shaky material; jokes about Skittles, Radiohead, Pokemon sex puns (which baffle Tony and Sam).
• Tony and Sam critique: "You've got it all figured out except for material." – Tony Hinchcliffe [21:12]
• Brutally honest Q&A reveals Tony’s upbringing in Sulphur Springs, Texas, home break-ins as a kid, and the glass bathrooms downtown.

Ashley Seta

[31:30–38:28]

• First-timer comic, nervous, starts with story about running cross country.
• Sam Tallent: "Read the room, Ash. These people barely have feet." [35:24]
• Friendly but direct: little prep, limited stage presence; riffing with panel on athletic background and being a “shot put” type.

Trey Campbell

[39:02–46:01]

• Introduces himself as on the autism spectrum with a deadpan persona, delivers jokes about Lizzo, Adderall addiction, and a dark coat hanger punchline.
• Tony: "I've been looking for a new William Montgomery, and I think we've found him..." [40:14]
• The panel digs into Trey’s voice, appearance, dating life, and past molestation joke—blending genuine engagement with ruthless burns.

Jonathan Cando

[47:58–57:29]

• Debut set focuses on trying to find age-appropriate porn at age 12, awkwardly discussing pedophile jokes, and current events involving hitmen.
• Ari Shaffir and Mark Normand make a surprise entrance, disrupting Jonathan's on-stage panic.
• Jonathan, a nervous truck driver, is gently roasted for his energy and presence.

Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket Winner)

[57:33–67:08]

• Polished, unique set with self-deprecating physical comedy about CP, fur jackets, and his "pimp walk."
• The panel (especially Sam and Mark) riff hilariously on his physicality, CP vs. child pornography jokes, and life as a substitute special ed teacher.

Melissa Diaz

[67:22–73:29]

• Emotional, sharply written set about her father's death in a plane crash and the aftermath (including learning about his secret family).
• Handles dark family material with laughter and poise; draws praise: "What a set. Holy Melissa Diaz. Unbelievable." – Tony Hinchcliffe [68:43]
• Reveals her recent Skank Fest wedding.

Trenton Tebow

[73:48–83:28]

• Comedy on relationships, body image, working at a lure company, and being left on September 11th.
• Quick banter about his country background, the story about missing a hookup with a cougar and ending up with her niece.

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4. Featured Regulars & Panel Antics

Cam Patterson

[83:53–91:07]

• Delivers a strong set about surfing with a gay atheist teacher and a story about almost hooking up with porn stars.
• Charismatic, at ease; talks marbles, marble racing, and favorite adult actresses with the panel.

Nick Mummy

[91:26–99:55]

• Relatable punchlines about "Pimp My Ride," but draws the panel's attention for his odd, Muppet-like voice and demeanor.
• Sam Tallent impersonates him ("Your voice sounds like A.I. generated it." [94:01]); panel bombards him with absurdist Q&A.

Caleb Silver (Rick Diaz)

[101:14–108:40]

• Sets up "gay but can't get laid" jokes, deadpan about being a top, living in a hammock on Rainey Street, and fantasizing about being murdered by the local serial killer.
• Hilarious, candid interview about sex in a hammock, open-minded bottoming preferences.

Trevor Mischo

[109:05–114:51]

• Opens with "raised by a single mother" material; jokes about gossiping and sitting to pee.
• Set falls flat, panel urges him to try best material—slight improvement but more advice to quit.

Ari Matti (Featured Estonian Comic)

[115:55–125:10]

• Sam and Adam hype Ari up as a visiting "pro" comic.
• Strong, internationally-aware set riffing on being Estonian, Russia, traveling, and U.S. dating scene.
• Intelligent banter about language, saunas, and being the "number one comedian in Estonia out of four."

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5. Close-Out with William Montgomery (Longest-Regular)

[125:23–138:37]

• William Montgomery performs with surreal tangents, including out-of-work dynamite salesmen, Hillary Clinton, and a Dr. Squatch gig that he blames for his cancer.
• Hilarious confusion over health, fiber intake, late-night hunger, and high-fiber diet.
• Panel closes with banter about beard-touching, Christmas plans, and William’s puzzle obsession.

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Memorable Quotes

• "I think your squiggles all around, if I had to guess." – Sam Tallent, to Martin Phillips [59:48]
• "It looked like the Rape of Nanking." – Sam Tallent, on Hans Kim's rough night [14:37]
• "You sound like a hot chick, and I'm watching the words... it's not matching." – Tony to Ashley Seta [37:55]
• "You're like William Montgomery but with more hepatitis." – Panel to Trey Campbell [paraphrased]
• "We all know Lizzo doesn't know anything about fruit." – Trey Campbell [39:38]
• "A sturdy shelf, bro. That's a steel shelf." – Sam Tallent, riffing on Trey's stature [40:32]
• "Do you know how this works? If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten." – Tony [12:10]

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Standout Segments & Timestamps

• Hans Kim's Christmas Party Fight Story – [14:37–18:44]
• Tony Cruz’s Small-Town Crime Confessions – [29:57–30:47]
• Mark Normand & Ari Shaffir Surprise Walk-On – [51:54–56:17]
• Melissa Diaz’s Emotional Family Story – [67:22–73:29]
• Panel Roasts William Montgomery’s Cancer Soap Gig – [130:34–132:45]
• Ari Matti, Estonia’s Top Comic – [115:55–123:12]

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Panel Dynamics & Running Gags

• Sam Tallent as Interrogator: Constantly poking for the oddest details ("Have you ever answered a question before?" [29:28])
• Mark Normand's Quick Quips: "Killer funny, Martin Phillips!" [67:08]
• Ari’s Pants Gags: Multiple callbacks to the panel "whipping it out" and blurring for YouTube
• Brutally Honest Advice: To struggling comics ("You don't have to do this." – Sam to Trevor Mischo [111:16])
• Recurring CP and ‘special needs’ jokes: Especially in interviews with Martin Phillips and others

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General Tone & Takeaways

The night swings wildly between hilarious professional polish (Melissa Diaz, Ari Matti, Cam Patterson), chaotic first-timer attempts, and relentless panel savagery. Blunt feedback, personal tales, and on-the-spot riffing maintain the rowdy, unfiltered spirit that's made Kill Tony the staple it is in live comedy podcasting.

For listeners and fans: this is classic Kill Tony, with plenty of misfit moments and huge laughs from some of comedy’s sharpest minds.

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Additional Information

• Sam Tallent’s Special, “The Toads Morale,” drops December 26th on Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast YouTube channel.
• Mark Normand and Ari Shaffir plug tour dates and specials throughout the episode.
• Kill Tony's New Year’s live events promoted at HEB Center in Austin.

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[End of Summary]

Transcript

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad tv. All our merch can be found for kill [e-mail] Tony's on a brand new tour. He's going all over the place. So check out tonyhinchcliff.com for everything. Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget, I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi weekly show with the Kill Tony Band. And the secret show is every single Thursday. Get tickets at Sunset Strip atx.com and now a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey y'. All. It is a super duper digital event like nothing we've ever done before. A two night experience unlike anything in Kill Tony history. Go to kill Tony live.com and get your live streaming tickets for the two arena shows. So much insanity is going to happen. As always, I always keep the guests and anything that I have up my sleeve, a complete surprise for you. But if I told you what was going to happen on these two nights, you would be pumped. And plus, you already know all your favorite regulars. And of course Rick Diaz vs. Hans Kim for eternal regularship on the show. A battle of two absolute autistic titans. Who knows what can happen? A lot of special treats, a lot of special guests. It's going to be like the 10 year anniversary show, but on absolute steroids. Super pumped. Get tickets now and support your favorite show in the world. The number one live podcast started with 14 people in a tiny little room. Now we're going global. That's killtonylive.com for the amazing two night event December 30th and 31st. You're going to be sick of your family. Have some laughs. Enjoy two nights of Kill Tony Live. Anything can happen.

[Brian Redban]

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[Sam Tallent]

Hey, this is Red Bay coming to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you live from the comedy mothership here, here in Austin, Texas for a brand

[Sam Tallent]

new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Martin Phillips]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Brian Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Brian Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Paul Diemer]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

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[Brian Redban]

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[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to hellofresh.com KT show free and use code KT show free for free. Breakfast for life. One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. That's free. Breakfast for [e-mail] KT show free with code KT show for free. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? It is a goddamn pleasure. You know, I take liberty of booking every single one of these shows. And we go in a specific order. Sometimes it's beauty and chaos and this and that. Tonight's one of those nights where it's everything under the fucking sun. I present to you one of the funniest guests in the history of Kiltoni, ladies and gentlemen. New Special coming out December 26th. Truly one of the best guests, one of my favorite comedians in the world. Make some noise for the great and powerful Sam Talent, everybody. Sam talent is here. Truly one of the best. If he's not already, he's gonna be one of your favorite comedians on planet earth. Learn to love it. Sam talent is back.

[Sam Tallent]

Hey, everybody. Thank you for having me back to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Sam talent one more time. We're in it tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Sam's been on a few of the best episodes we've ever had. The last one was with the amazing Dr. Phil.

[Sam Tallent]

I'm glad ad Adam's not here to fuck up everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

By being the funniest guy ever alive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Adam Ray's Dr. Phil is so funny. We were talking about it before tonight's show about how we were just by halfway through, we're just setting him up and Just watching.

[Sam Tallent]

I forgot to talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we were watching a podcast.

[Sam Tallent]

I was transfixed. It was like watching an eclipse through a piece of green bottle glass. That was the funniest shit I've ever seen. And I wasn't jealous. It was fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New special, the Toads Morale debuts tomorrow on Matt and Shane's secret podcast YouTube channel. So make sure you check that out.

[Sam Tallent]

Please watch it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. And we're gonna have fun tonight. You know how this works. I am pleased to announce that we actually. You guys will not believe this, but we have a record amount of signups tonight for Austin, Texas, Right? As of right now, 218 signups. Ooh, there goes one flying.

[Sam Tallent]

I bet 14 of them are funny. It's a hobo jungle back there right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is.

[Sam Tallent]

People are trading salt for bullets. It's insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, it's fucking absolutely wild. And mixed amongst those people are geniuses that are just trying to survive. Some of them wait months and sign up every week.

[Sam Tallent]

And a lot of people who have held a baby's head underwater for more

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

than 30 seconds, yes, that's the majority. But if I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them with our esteemed guest, Sam Tallent. And I'm now pre polling who will be the first comedian out of the bucket. And while we get them from a bar next door, I think we should get the show started with one of our regulars. Everybody, I think you know how this goes. Every single week, this guy does a new 60 seconds and an interview to start each episode, selling out all over the world. When we found him, he was living in a van doing 10 person open mics. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you a wild success story. His name is Hans Kim.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you.

[D Madness]

The ceilings in Brian Redband's club are so high that that's where I go to fly my drone. Yeah, sorry I had to start out like that. Obviously you didn't like that one. I. I don't think everyone who's patriotic is a loser, but I do think everyone who's a loser is going to be a little bit patriotic. Because if you got nothing good going on in your life, you're going to be like, well, at least I'm here,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

here, here, here, here, here.

[D Madness]

But yes, you know, it's very sad to know that Joe Biden Is still president. I hate Joe Biden so much that I'm racist against old people. Well, look at this guy, walking around like he's the president. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Hans Kim. Ultralight tonight. I like it. Hell, yeah. How we feel, Hans, right? Hell, yeah. Sam, what'd you think about this sweet performance by Hans Kim?

[Sam Tallent]

I'm a big fan of Hans. Offstage he. Last night, I saw him at the. After the Christmas party here getting choked out by one of the doors staff while eight other members of the security team were throwing $1 bills. It looked like the rape of Nanking.

[D Madness]

I got raped yesterday by a door guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, actually, funny, I totally forgot about that. You just reminded me that I was watching Hans. What? How did that start? You told the security guard that you could beat him in, what was it, Jiu jitsu or wrestling?

[D Madness]

Well, I saw these two animals just going at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they were wrestling?

[Nick Mummy]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

These two. Two door animals?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, it was. That's not the door guys. The door guys are comedians here. Those were the security.

[D Madness]

Those are the security.

[Sam Tallent]

They were ex massad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They literally killers. Like, black belts and purple belts and blue belts. And then there's you. Like, I could do that. Yeah. How did that. How did you jump in, though?

[D Madness]

Well, they were just going at it, you know, really upping the aggression level in the room. And I was like, you know, this is just so primitive, and we should. We're comedians. We should be higher than this. So I go into the. Stop them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you went to break it up.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[D Madness]

And then one of the guys, Riley, was kind of lipping up to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[D Madness]

And I was like, riley, don't make me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did he say that was lipping up?

[D Madness]

Well, you know, Riley, you know, the way that he is, he's just sort

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of like, I literally don't know Riley. Nobody here knows Riley. You're talking about Riley like he's on, like, a sick car.

[Ari Matti]

Okay.

[D Madness]

Honestly, he really didn't do anything wrong. I was looking for a fight. I saw them there. It looked like fun. I wanted to join in, so I just grabbed a body and started going at.

[Sam Tallent]

Did not work out. Believe it or not, everybody trying to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

figure out what really happened. And it just keeps getting weirder. What else is going on in life, Hans?

[D Madness]

You know, my girlfriend is stupid. I found out.

[Sam Tallent]

How stupid is she?

[D Madness]

She recently asked me if Japan was a country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh.

[D Madness]

And I said yes. And she's like. She looked it up. She's like, no, it's a nation state. That's a country dumb bitch.

[Sam Tallent]

It's an ethnostate. They only let Japanese people in the

[D Madness]

way it should be.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Do you like the fact that, like, when you find out things like that, do you respect her more or less?

[D Madness]

You know, it means it's gonna be easier to get what I want out of her. So, yes, I do enjoy having an advantage over the people that I love in my life.

[Sam Tallent]

What do you want out of her? Your passport back?

[D Madness]

I just want my green card and I'm out of here. No, I'm just kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been doing hard drugs again lately?

[Mark Norman]

Just marijuana.

[D Madness]

No, I haven't been doing hard drugs. No, I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you say it like a lot of people have been accusing you of doing hard drugs? No, I'm not doing hard drugs, Dad.

[D Madness]

I have been pretty good about not doing hard drugs. I've been doing mushrooms like, once or twice or three times a week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything fun happen when you're on mushrooms? What do you like to do?

[D Madness]

I was on an airplane. I missed my flight. Had to pay a lot of money, but luckily, I'm rich now. I have a lot of money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans is out of it, right? Did you bump your head before tonight's set or something? You said you were on an airplane

[Brian Redban]

and you missed your flight.

[Sam Tallent]

How good were those mushrooms?

[D Madness]

I love the mushrooms. They're from Nootropics. Check them out. Sorry to bring you into this plugging things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're gonna get rid of him. There he goes. Hans Kim, everybody. He's having a panic attack during the interview portion of the show tonight. A rare treat. I've never seen him leave so fast in his entire career on this show.

[Sam Tallent]

I think Riley choked him a little too long last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. God, that was almost impressive.

[Sam Tallent]

That was the best I've ever seen him do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what just happened exactly, but now we go to the bucket, so it's going to be interesting. We have to build momentum out of a bucket pool here. Let's see what happens. Anything can happen. Blah, blah, blah. You get it? Anybody can sign up. Let's see what happens here. Tony Cruz, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Tony Cruz.

[Tony Cruz]

How's everybody doing? Sometimes when I masturbate, I stick a skittle up my ass so I can feel the rainbow.

[Sam Tallent]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Cruz]

I know. I look like a Billy Ray Cyrus. Miley Cyrus had a baby. Yeah. Guys, I'm a Southern Targaryen. I got a blowjob from a retard. I call that Radiohead,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She sucked it

[Tony Cruz]

so good I fell asleep afterwards. It was some real ZZ Top. Y' all ever wonder who Joe Biden's favorite band is? It's probably the who

[Paul Diemer]

who.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyway,

[Tony Cruz]

you guys like Pokemon? Yeah. I was eating some pussy every night and the pussy squirt in my face reminded me of that Pokemon character, Squirtle. You know, Squirtle? Just squirting all over the place. I told her, baby, if you keep on, you're gonna make me char as hard and I'm gonna blastoise your Pikachu. That's when I pulled out the old bulbasaur, pinned her ankles behind her head, start giving her the slow poke. Slowpoke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. There he is. Tony Cr. Everybody. Unbelievable. Because, I mean, he's got the look, the cadence, the delivery, and you're just. He's got nothing behind it.

[Martin Phillips]

Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should be so much more funnier than you are.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah. Usually the material has to catch up to the stage presence, but not tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When it does, I mean, it is rock stardom for you, sir.

[Tony Cruz]

Thank you, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, listen to you.

[Tony Cruz]

Yourself a huge fan. Dude. I'm a huge fan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm actually a huge fan of you.

[Sam Tallent]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm giving you a pretty big compliment here. I think you've got it all figured out. Except for material. Yeah, it's actually quite a bit. It's like a lot of the battle.

[Tony Cruz]

You didn't like the radio hit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I got the movie and get it. I wanted to get it.

[Sam Tallent]

Radio was like a retarded black guy who was the.

[Tony Cruz]

And the band. It's the movie and the band, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, I did not know that.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, we understood. It was the band. Thank you, Tony. Yes, that. That came through. The punchline is what didn't translate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it was the radio part. Why would the radio be retarded?

[Sam Tallent]

Because that the gentleman in the movie had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What movie?

[Sam Tallent]

Radio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The movie is radio. Is this coordinated attack? Am I being pranked or something? Radio, you idiot.

[Sam Tallent]

2002.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2002 movie. And you guys are losing your minds over it right now. I've never heard of this. Cuba Gooding Jr. Why would this be a sport comedy with.

[Sam Tallent]

And it was not a comedy. No, it was a very serious biopic. It was a true story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It says sport comedy. I think it doesn't hold up.

[Sam Tallent]

So it's funny now to see that guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's mentally disabled, so they know what it is.

[Sam Tallent]

He was about the only black guy to not make a football team. That's what it was about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Jonathan Cando]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuba Gooding Jr. Was the retarded guy.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay, ladies, shut the fuck up. We found radio's biggest fan over here. Speaks in a very context. Condescending tone.

[Trey Campbell]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut up.

[Sam Tallent]

I liked a lot when he got to like 45 seconds and he was like. Looked at us like, oh God, I have to do another joke. And then he went into the Pokemon material,

[Tony Cruz]

man. I love Pokemon, dude. I grew up playing that. I'm all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The reference.

[Tony Cruz]

I got more to that joke. I'm just saying the references.

[Sam Tallent]

There's more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Sam Tallent]

Do you do all 151?

[Tony Cruz]

We're getting there. Yeah, no, we're getting there. I'm still tagging that one.

[Sam Tallent]

I thought she was a jinx, but she was a Mr. Mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not gonna believe this. Radio fans, but I know nothing about Pokemon as well. I mean, I'm really out of the loop during this. And I have no references I can make right now.

[Tony Cruz]

Love you too, man. Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us about you. How long have you been doing stand up?

[Tony Cruz]

Been doing. It just came over a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All of it here in Austin.

[Tony Cruz]

Oh, man. I start in Dallas. I'm from a small town called Sulphur Springs, so it's northeast Texas, if y' all know where that's at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You appear as though you were raised around a lot of sulfur, so that makes sense. I get the vibe.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

You smell like the night before Easter.

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah, it's a small town. It's a good town. But yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tony Cruz]

A little known fact about my town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like there's like fact is a little known fact about your town.

[Tony Cruz]

You're gonna love this, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finding out about sulfur. They say anything, I would be.

[Tony Cruz]

Oh, you're gonna love this. They have glass bathrooms in their downtown. And it's mirrored on the outside, but you can see everything around you. So then there's also like a place where kids splash around. So during the daytime, if you're a pervert, you can. And anyways, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, if you were a pervert. I like that disclaimer you put on there.

[Tony Cruz]

That's kind of what we think it's there for. You know, that I'm just. Anyway, have you used. I hope I don't get killed saying this.

[Sam Tallent]

Did you say that was a fun fact?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old glass bathrooms. Not a lot of people know we got glass bathrooms downtown. So basically I'm looking women right in the eyes while taking a monster. Do you know what I'm saying? Cuz I'm using the public downtown bathrooms, for sure.

[Tony Cruz]

I do love my hometown. It's a good.

[Brian Redban]

Good.

[Tony Cruz]

It's a cool place, man.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is cool about it? How many black people live there?

[Sam Tallent]

I bet he knows exactly the amount.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sulfur Springs doesn't sound like a very welcoming place.

[D Madness]

It is.

[Tony Cruz]

It is segregated. Like, it's one of the. It's still got a mlk, still has a black side. And then, you know. Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What you. What was that last part? Going to be there.

[Tony Cruz]

And then there's Mexicans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, the old Caesar Chavez Street. I like how everywhere, man. Each neighborhood makes it quite clear what you can expect.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you got your good old George Washington Boulevards, you know what I'm saying?

[William Montgomery]

People.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where I like to be.

[Sam Tallent]

Anyway, don't forget about the Jew corridor. That's really popping off this time of year.

[Paul Diemer]

I've.

[Tony Cruz]

I've had Mark Coleman on my podcast. I have a podcast, too, but. Okay. Yeah, shut up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What name did you just drop?

[Tony Cruz]

Mark Coleman. Mark the Hammer Coleman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. Oh, real segue into your podcast there. Very smooth transition. Almost completely unnoticeable. Seems like you had no intention of trying to do that in your. If you got pulled out of the bucket here.

[Sam Tallent]

I'm glad you took your hat off during your set so we know the hair's not attached to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living? Looking and talking like you do.

[Sam Tallent]

Toad taster. This man can lick a toad and tell you exactly how old he is.

[Cam Patterson]

I do.

[Tony Cruz]

I do have a foot fetish. Yeah, I do have a foot fetish. I've been married for. Me and my wife been together for 11 years. We've been married four years. But, yeah, when you've been together that long, you have to get into feet and stuff, so.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, not if she's still tight.

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Didn't I ask you what you did for living? Well, you.

[Sam Tallent]

He started talking about.

[Tony Cruz]

I'm sorry, sorry. I started thinking about feet. Sorry. Go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness.

[Sam Tallent]

You know, money, money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for.

[Sam Tallent]

How do you get it?

[Tony Cruz]

Oh, yeah, man. I had a good job during COVID I was essential, so I made a lot of money during that period. So I've been living off of savings and just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were a what?

[Tony Cruz]

Essential. An essential employee. So. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of what? What were you doing?

[Tony Cruz]

Manufacturing? Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't believe anything you're saying. What were you, crystal meth?

[Sam Tallent]

No, I think he was making the virus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got paid a lot of money, you know.

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

I kept Silver Springs running, brother. Yeah, that Crank powered our goddamn city. How are we gonna keep the black people from going to the good target unless we're all gacked out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of situation were you raised in? Is it like a trailer? Is it like a lot of farmland trailer?

[Tony Cruz]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And were your parents together when you were a kid?

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah, they were together. And then my mom passed right before COVID so she didn't have to experience that bullshit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[Tony Cruz]

But yeah, man, it was. It was great, man.

[Sam Tallent]

I'd rather be dead than have to

[Tony Cruz]

wear a mask, dude, that.

[Sam Tallent]

I'm glad my mother did not have to look people in the eye.

[Tony Cruz]

That's why I moved to the city after CO because, man, in my small town, they didn't even. Like, we didn't give a. And nothing changed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing at all? Nothing. Did people talk about how nothing had changed there a lot.

[Tony Cruz]

No, everybody was kind of. I mean, everybody else we saw, you know, everybody else changing, and we're like, why they want to do that for? You know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were raised in a trailer? Let me ask you this before I let you go, because this is a long interview.

[Sam Tallent]

What's three plus two?

[Nick Mummy]

Fuck.

[Tony Cruz]

Why you going to put me on the spot like that, man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry, dude.

[Tony Cruz]

Fuck that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to know Tony Cruz, if that really is your name, because you don't seem like a Tony nor a Cruz. But I want to know what is in your life. Raised in a trailer, Sulfur Springs, segregated. What's the white trashiest thing you've ever done or what been part of, like, in your life? If there's one thing that you remember, like, doing or being part of out there in Sulfur Springs, or perhaps anytime after that.

[Tony Cruz]

I'm half Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was earlier. Then there was another question. The question was, was.

[Tony Cruz]

I mean, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyways, what do you think the trashiest thing you ever did? I can't like brown trash. Forget white trash. What's the brown?

[Tony Cruz]

I'm trying to say is, like, be. Being half Mexican is great, man. It's cool.

[Sam Tallent]

Have you ever answered a question before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You know what? I'm going to go back to three plus two. I want to see if you have this.

[Tony Cruz]

I was trying to. I was hoping saying half Mexican would make him laugh. You know, talking about Mexican.

[Sam Tallent]

But why would that make them laugh?

[Tony Cruz]

No. My bad jokes, I guess. I don't know.

[Sam Tallent]

You're very likable, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me rephrase the question. You answered honestly. What's the trailer trashiest thing about your childhood or your upbringing? And then you get to go after this. Just answer honestly.

[Tony Cruz]

I used to when I was young, me and my friends would break out of the trailer house and then 3 o' clock in the morning, we would go down neighborhoods and get. See if anybody left their doors unlocked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tony Cruz]

And then we would grab their guns and their rent money and all that and then take it with us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You answered that one perfectly, my friend. There we go. There we go. Good. People are amazed at your ability to answer an honest question.

[Tony Cruz]

That was also alleged. No, but yeah, that's what we. I mean it, dude. I, I grew up poor, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you would rob the other trailers? You're like a reverse.

[Tony Cruz]

No, no, no. We would go to the nice neighborhood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tony Cruz]

They. They normally don't ex. They. They leave their unlocked. So we would just. Yeah, well, you can't do that now. There's a ring. Cameras. Yeah, you can't do that now, right?

[Sam Tallent]

White trash, you know, burglary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

That's actually pretty open minded of you.

[Tony Cruz]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Tony, congratulations. Fun stuff. Here's a little joke book, my friend. Make some noise for Tony Cruz, everybody. Is that an awe for a little joke book? Did I hear an awe out there? Someone with emotions that likes expressing them. Aw, yeah. Let's keep it moving. You guys having fun yet? All right, I have good news for you guys. This next bucket pool has an I in parentheses next to it, which means they are ins of the room. They are one of you. So that's usually like a first timer or something like that. Make some noise for your next bucket pole. Ashley Seta, everybody. Ashley Seta.

[Sam Tallent]

Ashley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she comes. I do believe right from the middle of the room. Ashley taking a very long time. You're going the absolute wrong direction. There you go.

[Sam Tallent]

Hey, don't rover while she's walking through the crowd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literally almost walked into a wall and backwards. She went away from age and that way. Literally couldn't go a worse direction. You pick, baby breath.

[Sam Tallent]

There she is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How many you like it when people do good on this show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Whoa. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ashley Seta, everybody.

[Ashley Seta]

Holy y', all, it has been a week. My sister got her PhD earlier this week and I'm on Kill Tony. So I think that we can all imagine, you know, who my mom is probably the most proud of. So, you know, going on with disappointing the parents stories. Let me tell you some embarrassing that's happened to me in my life. What's going on? Go cross country runners I hope there's a couple of y' all out there. Hope you guys are good. All right, we got one. I'm assuming everybody else did beer runs. I feel that. All right. I ran cross country in high school. That was a hot minute ago. I was awful. I was so bad. They made me run varsity one time. And the only time. And you know, I'm running and they have the golf cart behind you and it is just tailgating my fucking ankles, man. And I'm like, oh, my God, this shit is real. I am the slowest person alive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Ashley Seta. Holy shit. You went for it. No preparation whatsoever.

[Paul Diemer]

Ever.

[Ashley Seta]

That minute went so fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

You made D cover his ears. He only has four senses.

[Ashley Seta]

I didn't even hear me out. You know what I mean? Godamn right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn. Okay. Where are you from? Sulfur Springs.

[Ashley Seta]

I'm from Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Everybody's pissed that you're from Austin. Like, God damn it. Wow. Representing Austin, Texas. I'm guessing this is your first time attempting stand up comedy.

[Ashley Seta]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good. That's a good answer.

[Sam Tallent]

How do you think it went?

[Ashley Seta]

Probably not that great, but that's all good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Ashley, what made you want to try this tonight?

[Ashley Seta]

Basically, why not? I highly doubted. I highly doubted. I was reasons why not did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have some answers for you on the why not. See, it's very rarely that I get asked a question on this show and I'm proud to answer the why not. The why nots would be that people that have prepared or wanted to do this for years or perhaps even months sign up for the show. And then you come up here like, if JonBenet survived her murder and trying to put on a pageant type of. Let me tell you, y' all some embarrassment. Embarrassing stories about me. Like, this is like a bad pageant. It's like a. It's like a. It's like one of those like, like purina dog pageants or whatever. Like a. Like one of those, like. Aw, look at this one. This one. This one's a stand up comedian dog. Everybody look, there's a microphone in front of.

[Sam Tallent]

I've heard a lot of comics try and like, ask the crowd a question to start a bit. I don't know if there's a more alienating question to ask a comedy crowd than who does cross country. Read the room, Ash. Come on. These people barely have feet. They got the sugar syndrome. You're just up here bragging in your cool sweater.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, Ash, you're a. Oh, you like that sweater?

[Sam Tallent]

Oh, yeah.

[Ashley Seta]

Thanks.

[Sam Tallent]

My God, that is game respects game. This is so us.

[Ashley Seta]

Girl, stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So cross country. I missed it because I was bored out of my mind. Cross country. You said that you do that.

[Ashley Seta]

Oh, hell no. I actually would not even run at this point if it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem more of like a shot put kind of girl, right? You have the. What? Why is that a groany thing? Why are you groaning at that?

[Sam Tallent]

Brock Lesnar's daughter, everybody. Those genetics are strong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wrong.

[Ashley Seta]

Yeah, I've actually grown more into like, the sport of watching football and drinking beer while I do it. But yeah, back in the day, I was athletic, kind of. Not really.

[Sam Tallent]

I think the only thing you've ever run away from is an abusive relationship. No, you stayed.

[Ashley Seta]

Oh, no, I don't.

[Sam Tallent]

That's brave.

[Ashley Seta]

I am the abuser, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yikes.

[Ashley Seta]

Buddy, let's go. Just kidding. Hey, girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do to them? Your stand up act?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

basically ear beatings. I've locked the door from the outside. You must listen to some embarrassing things about me.

[Sam Tallent]

She should have to do her act in that glass toilet in Sulphur Springs.

[Ashley Seta]

As long as I'm not the ones outside of that window, I'm fine with it. Like, I'd rather be in that. I don't want to be the one being looked at. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what do you think?

[Sam Tallent]

She's good at riffing, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I know. What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done is? Has anyone ever told you, like, Ashley, you're so funny like that? Has it been like a time or is this just. You're just really just shooting for it? This is like the half court shot at a professional game. Like, we're gonna let this person shoot, and if they do anything at all, we'll all be surprised.

[Ashley Seta]

I mean, I think the funniest thing I've ever done is be right here with you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. It's funny. Like, you talk. You talk. You sound like a hot chick. And I'm watching the words. Do you guys kind of hear, like, the fucking greatest thing I've ever done? And I'm just like. It's not matching the fucking. I'm just kidding. You're great. It's okay, everybody. There's a groany audience tonight. Let me tell you something. I'm blaming the awkwardness of this interview on y'. All. Here's a little joke book. Ashley. Whoa, good catch. Look at that. She's built like a catch.

[Sam Tallent]

Ashley, everybody. Good work, Ashley.

[Martin Phillips]

Good work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Catcher, shot put extraordinaire. We should. We should talk about that more, though.

[Sam Tallent]

Like, don't sign up if you don't

[Brian Redban]

want to be a comedian. Don't waste people's time because it's not

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

funny for any of us. Without saying, but, yeah, definitely don't sign up if you're all right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Trey Campbell or Cambert or something like that. Trey is next on Kill Tony. Oh. Oh, Make. So much for Trey, everybody.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, everybody.

[Trey Campbell]

I'm Trey Campbell. I'm on the autism spectrum. I'm the same as everyone else. I just got more vaccines. Thank you. It's so crazy. A lot of older women come up to me. They're like, oh, my God, that's so cool. You're on the autism spectrum. So is my son. I'm like, does that mean we're not fucking? Who wants to fuck their kids? Am I right? Any Lizzo fans in here? It's crazy. There's allegations going around that she made her backup dancers eat fruit out of a sex worker's vagina. And I think those allegations are unfounded because we all know Lizzo doesn't know anything about fruit. Am I right? Lizzo is my dream threesome. So there's two of Lizzo. I'm so excited to be here. As a kid, I would always carry around a wire coat hanger, and they would be like, trey, why do you have a wire coat hanger? And I'd always say, I've had this since I was in the womb, y'. All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit. Look at this. I mean, where do we begin? Trey Campbell.

[Trey Campbell]

How you doing, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I've been looking for a new William Montgomery. And I think we found them, ladies and gentlemen.

[Trey Campbell]

Well, I'm drunk enough, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, William.

[Trey Campbell]

I'm still drinking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William's sober now. You're adorable, huh? Do you only come around during the Christmas times? Looks like Santa.

[Trey Campbell]

I'm the elf on the shelf.

[Sam Tallent]

That's a sturdy shelf, bro. That's a steel shelf.

[Trey Campbell]

It's dope.

[Sam Tallent]

You know, we look like we showed up for the same casting call.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Trey Campbell]

Let's hope we're not on the casting couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Oh, my goodness.

[Sam Tallent]

They're going to have to put tarp on it.

[D Madness]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good to see you again. Were you on in la?

[Trey Campbell]

Am I remembering that I was on a Vulcan? Yeah. You invited me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Trey Campbell]

You invited me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I invited you?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah. You said me and William would do our thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw you on the street.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And I told you to come do a thing with William. And then you did.

[Trey Campbell]

I did.

[William Montgomery]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's all.

[Sam Tallent]

What was he doing on the street? Biting the heads off a chicken.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing on. I don't remember exactly.

[Trey Campbell]

Probably trying to find Aderal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're an Adderall addict, huh? Correct.

[Sam Tallent]

Okay, not working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is so interesting. What do you like to do after having Adderall?

[Trey Campbell]

You know, I like to watch old NBA highlights. I like to watch the Chicago Bulls take on the Atlanta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second person in a row. That does not sound like what they look like. Is anybody with me on this? Ron White gave me acid a few days ago. Either I'm having flashbacks to that or these people do not. Why do you sound like that?

[Trey Campbell]

I think it's because of a lack of testosterone.

[Sam Tallent]

She's nodding. You don't want a sexy woman with bangs nodding at that joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you. You're adorable.

[Trey Campbell]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, how old are you?

[Trey Campbell]

I'm 28.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Trey Campbell]

I know, it's crazy.

[Sam Tallent]

That's a tough 28.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What has happened to you? Why do you think you age so much?

[Trey Campbell]

You think I aged? Thank you. I've been trying to look older, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there you go.

[Sam Tallent]

It's like you absorb the voice of the kids you molest.

[Trey Campbell]

I was the one getting molested.

[Sam Tallent]

All right. That's an upbeat.

[Trey Campbell]

That's funny, though, is.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Sam Tallent]

I mean, that must have been a horny pedophile.

[Trey Campbell]

Oh, you know, you take what you can get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're telling me he like, I'll settle for this. I'll settle for this. 13 year old that looks 50.

[Trey Campbell]

I'm so glad you think I look old. I've always been told I look young.

[Sam Tallent]

By who?

[Trey Campbell]

D. Well, because he's blind.

[Sam Tallent]

That's fine. Thank you, Trey.

[Trey Campbell]

You're welcome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. I mean, you are a spitting image. 28 years old and he looks like the mayor of Munchkin Land. It is incredible.

[Trey Campbell]

Well, you know, it's been annexed, so I can't. I didn't. That didn't work. I shouldn't have told that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for work? What Arcade Games do you collect the quarters out of? Exactly.

[Sam Tallent]

He sucks them out.

[Trey Campbell]

It's funny. I work at the Secret Guy group, so. In Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. We love that place. Yeah. Old school territory. And you live in Houston.

[Trey Campbell]

Correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And are you gay?

[Trey Campbell]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just sound like that. Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

You know how it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do know exactly how it is. I literally know how that is. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone knows that. I know what that is like, but I still have to ask. So what's your. Have you been getting laid by girls at all?

[Trey Campbell]

I got this one woman. She's. We went on a date to DaVita. Dialysis. We just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys got dialysis together?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, she had dialysis. Not me. I'm gonna get dialysis in the future, if you look at me. But no, we went to davita, and then we went to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You say devita like it's a fine Italian steakhouse. We went to davita. To the restaurant? No, the dialysis clinic.

[Trey Campbell]

It was crazy. Great time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us why you had a great time. What was so crazy about it?

[Trey Campbell]

She just kind of told me about her dead parents the whole time. We just kind of chilled.

[Sam Tallent]

She's a romantic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

I took some concerta before I went. It was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had. What?

[Trey Campbell]

It's basically like Adderall, but it's different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the difference between that and Adderall?

[Sam Tallent]

Health insurance.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah. Now he hit the nail on the head. It is health insurance.

[Sam Tallent]

Nice. Yes. And, Trey, that was good. Yes. I feel like your sexuality is trains.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true.

[Trey Campbell]

That is funny. I do love trains.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do?

[Sam Tallent]

No shit, brother.

[Trey Campbell]

When I was a kid and I discovered porn, I saw there was a train category, and I was like, dope. Thomas the Tank Engines. Fucking another female train. But it was, Wasn't.

[Sam Tallent]

It was a boy train?

[Mark Norman]

Nah.

[Trey Campbell]

I think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Thomas the Train Engine. A female train. I've never heard of a female train before.

[Trey Campbell]

I don't think there are any.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Actually, I think there was one on stage right before you. Oh, come on. Shut up. Shut up. Oh, we came to kill Tony. To groan.

[Sam Tallent]

Don't make fun of women, but keep calling this kid retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's fine. Who cares? It is. It is incredible. This look. It looks like you're down to clown and clown to downs at the same time.

[Trey Campbell]

I am a recovering Juggalo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what does that mean to you?

[Trey Campbell]

I used to be a Juggalo, but now I've kind of left that life behind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Too much faygo for you?

[Trey Campbell]

As you can tell?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Brian Redban]

You have a race car on your shirt and a Chevy hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What. What car do you drive?

[Trey Campbell]

I drive a Chevy Cruze. It's also a house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Paul Diemer]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And your name's. Oh, that was Tony Cruz. You're Trey Campbell. That's correct. I was gonna make a cruise. Cruise connection there, but there was none.

[Sam Tallent]

You look like a Japanese animator. Drew. An American.

[Trey Campbell]

I would do, like, a Japanese accent, but I don't know if that's.

[Sam Tallent]

Let's. Hear it. Oh, no, no. Okay, not this crowd. Okay, wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do it. Do some more. I want to hear some more.

[Trey Campbell]

Are you sure, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

All right. I brought dishonor to my. This is stupid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Trey Campbell]

I should not have done this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has anyone ever told you that you look like a wizard but like a cheese wizard?

[Trey Campbell]

Nah, this would be the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sam Tallent]

I can't tell if you're real.

[Trey Campbell]

I can't either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, how long are you visiting Austin for?

[Trey Campbell]

Probably I can come back anytime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. I would love to have you back on the secret show whenever you can.

[Paul Diemer]

Look at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Trey Campbell, everybody. We're having fun here. Adorable. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jonathan Candy, everybody. Jonathan Cando, perhaps, or Canley. Jonathan. Here's Jonathan, everybody.

[Jonathan Cando]

So. Hello, everybody. Sorry, I'm a little nervous. I'll start it off. When, when I was like around 12, I was trying to look up some stuff on the Internet you're not supposed

[Trenton Tebow]

to,

[Jonathan Cando]

but I was trying to look up something more relatable to me. So like in the description it says like, you know, 18 year old, 19 year old, but I'm. I'm like 12. So I try to type in 12 year old girl. Nothing came up, but. So I tried 13 year old. Nothing, nothing came up. Still my final offer. I tried 11 year old, nothing came up, but. So I had to settle for adult tits. But looking back, that's actually a good thing. That that wasn't there and I didn't know, but I had to go to the Dark Web for that. But I didn't know at that time. But anyway, did anybody see in the news recently? Like, like a few. I was 12. I was 12. I guess we'll do the meow. That's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. Rolling with the meow. Is it Jonathan Candy.

[Jonathan Cando]

Cando. Cando, Cando, Cando, Cando.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you can't do comedy.

[Jonathan Cando]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's adorable. How long have you been trying standup for?

[Jonathan Cando]

This is my like, first, like real set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right. Okay. Okay. The premise is good.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything else was bad. See, it was a reverse from Tony Cruz.

[Sam Tallent]

What else is in the news? You know, that's, that's what I'm wondering too, man.

[Jonathan Cando]

I can tell you real quick. I. I got it.

[Sam Tallent]

No, please don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got what? The joke. What is it? Go ahead.

[Jonathan Cando]

Like a few months ago, there was a. A woman in the news that was. She was arrested for trying to hire a hitman for her son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jonathan Cando]

But there was two problems with that she. Like, she went to Rent a hitman dot com. Also the second problem, the real problem, the son was only three years old, so. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. D. Madness is leaving the show for good. It's incredible. No, no, don't do it. What?

[Jonathan Cando]

My. Why didn't she just leave the hot. The. The sun in the hot car like an adult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you're more like a shock and a. What do you do for work?

[Jonathan Cando]

I'm a. I'm a truck driver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you're not. You're a truck driver. A timid young truck driver driver. How old are you?

[Jonathan Cando]

29.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay, man. A lot of. All right.

[Sam Tallent]

I'm glad we let him finish that joke.

[Jonathan Cando]

That was it. She should have.

[Sam Tallent]

If she don't, we. Yeah, we should have left.

[Jonathan Cando]

She would have got away with it.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, she definitely would have got away with it. Yes. I've heard a lot of, like, pedophile jokes, and usually they're fun, funny. It's really hard to biff a pedophile joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is. It really is. I feel like I was molested after that. So, Jonathan, let's talk about your real life. What are you passionate about? I haven't seen you smile yet. You seem like a security concern.

[Jonathan Cando]

I'm just nervous. I'm just nervous.

[Sam Tallent]

His diaper's full of piss and shit right now. Yeah, and that's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two racing shirts in a row, by the way. Very bizarre. I don't know what's going on here exactly. Play. Yeah. No, asshole.

[Sam Tallent]

It's not fun when you say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Ladies and gentlemen. I recognize that voice.

[Mark Norman]

No way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that who I think it is. Wait a second.

[Sam Tallent]

What the heck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, my big brother. One of the greatest comedians on planet earth. I do believe that is Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. It appears as though we are under an invasion of sorts. Home sweet home.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, what's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a typical Israeli just going over other people's property with some Palestinians being pushed out of the way. It's Ari Shabir and Mark Norman.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, it wasn't easy. I just sneak him out of a Hamas bunker. We got him here.

[Paul Diemer]

This is in honor of the 25,000 Palestinians who are killed in Lebanon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Mark Norman]

Harvard hates this guy. Genocide. It's okay.

[Sam Tallent]

You interrupted this kid's panic attack.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell.

[Mark Norman]

Nervous as, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Mark Norman]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Let's go. Brought to you by Sheep underwear. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. Merry Christmas to you.

[Mark Norman]

We just got demonetized.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we got A blur for that. We got a blur for that. Amazing.

[Mark Norman]

Hell yeah. Circumcised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who would have thunk? I love it.

[Mark Norman]

Who knew he was circumcised?

[Sam Tallent]

His serial number was on his dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a defined penis head or you have a yarmulke at the tip of your penis? That thing was incredible.

[D Madness]

Horrible.

[Mark Norman]

Nora, you look terrible. All right, all right. Oh, so sorry. Here you go, Ari.

[Paul Diemer]

Hey, Tony. Who's this with a dream?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true, man. You missed a real flatline. This is his first time ever doing in be being in front of a real audience.

[Mark Norman]

I don't know.

[Paul Diemer]

You don't know? Do you have any idea?

[Mark Norman]

I did decent bad. When Ari's genitalia gets a bit of reaction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. The.

[Sam Tallent]

Have you ever seen an old guy's dick before?

[Jonathan Cando]

I didn't look. I didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Mark Norman]

What? This is kill Tony. She underwear dot com. Sheath underwear. Dot com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sheath underwear. The absolute best. We all wear them. 100 use promo code.

[Sam Tallent]

Chubby

[Mark Norman]

smells good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sheath underwear.

[Sam Tallent]

Too bad, D Madness missed that. He could have heard that dick.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, hey, is that the blind guy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, our. We lost our second blind guy. There he goes. We're losing all the blinds up. Yeah, that's what we call him now. I love it. This guy's first time on stage. What? Do you have any advice? Did you see the absolute shit show before you got up here? He was the only tiny dick on stage.

[Jonathan Cando]

Yeah, true.

[Paul Diemer]

How tall are you?

[Jonathan Cando]

Five six, five seven. On a good day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On a good day. On a good day.

[Paul Diemer]

Why do you think Hamas rapes were qualified

[Jonathan Cando]

to. The leaders are.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what did you just say? Did I?

[Jonathan Cando]

They can, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I heard the N word there and I'm glad I.

[Sam Tallent]

You heard what you wanted to hear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think I did all right. So, John, what's going on?

[Mark Norman]

How long? What do we miss?

[Sam Tallent]

Not much. No.

[Paul Diemer]

We missed a committee. How about a go?

[Sam Tallent]

Very bad. But he's a nice kid. It was his first time.

[Paul Diemer]

What's your name, buddy? That's great. First time's awesome.

[Jonathan Cando]

Jonathan.

[Paul Diemer]

John. Nice.

[Mark Norman]

Johnny.

[Jonathan Cando]

Big fan of y'.

[Mark Norman]

All.

[Jonathan Cando]

Appreciate yalls time.

[Sam Tallent]

Thank you. I loved you in the Lego Movie.

[Jonathan Cando]

Thank you.

[Sam Tallent]

You're welcome.

[Jonathan Cando]

I'm in the Batman one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Jonathan, craziest thing about your life. Did you ever have any childhood trauma or save anybody's life? You have no special skills or talents. You've seen the show before, correct? You're in the interview portion of it right now. What would you say if you could talk to Yourself after this session.

[Paul Diemer]

Did you ever play an arcade game that turns you big?

[Jonathan Cando]

I love Mario. Yeah, that's my first system. 1964. No, the. My best. My best. Like, my best thing about me, I think I can get songs stuck in people's head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right, all right. Jokes are forgettable, but let's try. Try it.

[Paul Diemer]

Do it.

[Sam Tallent]

Get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get a song stuck in our head.

[Jonathan Cando]

Okay. My life's a stereo.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this from the movie radio? Get out of here. There he goes. Jonathan can't do.

[Sam Tallent]

Hey, Jonathan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Jonathan's first time on stage.

[Sam Tallent]

Jonathan.

[Mark Norman]

Jonathan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, before we get to this next bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner who's ready to debut another minute. Make some noise for the legend. Return of a legend. Martin Phillips, everybody. Martin Phillips is here. Hilarious.

[Martin Phillips]

What's cool. Okay. It's not the joke. It's. Stop laughing. Okay. It's cold outside. I like the cold weather because I like wearing my bottoms. Fur jacket. I also enjoy wearing a fur jacket because I pimp on the side. My side hustle. Well, it's bibbing season, but right now, for my birthday, my mom got me a card and she wrote happy birthday in quotation marks. So I was like, is it my birthday? Is there? So when I wrote her back, I wrote, I love you. See you soon. I don't drink too much, but I hang out a block. And whenever I leave, there's always a guy like, hey, you could draw either. And I'm like, I don't know. We'll find out. And then I get in my car and I rub them over. I want to go,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

wow. Golden ticket defender, Martin Phillips doing it again. Extremely strong minute. Unbelievable performance.

[Martin Phillips]

I bit backstage. I. The penis, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. I was like, absolutely. You did miss something else that leans hard to the right like you.

[Martin Phillips]

Mine leans to the left. Mine to the left.

[Sam Tallent]

I think your squiggles all around, if I had to guess.

[Jonathan Cando]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Helicopter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got that. He's got that Michael J. Cox. You know what I'm saying? That thing's. Hell, yeah, dude. I do noticed in your set. I do believe you have the word pimping confused with limping. It's limping season for you.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, pimp slim, too. We got the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. You have a natural pimp walk.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Speaking of pimp, Steve Madness is back. Say pimp three times. Pimp juice comes out of.

[Sam Tallent]

Do you. Do you have cp?

[Martin Phillips]

Actually, most.

[Sam Tallent]

I meant child pornography. You look like you have a bunch.

[Martin Phillips]

Got me.

[Sam Tallent]

I think God got you, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like you fell down this stairway to heaven.

[Nick Mummy]

I'm doing.

[Paul Diemer]

I like. I like the glasses. At the. At the last minute, God was like, also bad eyesight.

[Sam Tallent]

We're all made in his image. God's always cold.

[Martin Phillips]

I'll be going out week. When kids ask me why I'm shaking you, that's what I say. I'm like, I'm cold. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And.

[Martin Phillips]

And sometimes like, oh, take my jacket. I was like, oh, God, no. Like, it's not working. I was like, I'm really cold. I. Hypothermia.

[Sam Tallent]

I don't think you should be having one on ones with children.

[Martin Phillips]

I was the teacher. I should have said that.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, you're a teacher?

[Martin Phillips]

I got a real teacher. Okay, Substitute teacher.

[Mark Norman]

That's got to be a lot of fun.

[Martin Phillips]

It's fine. Yeah, Special ed. Yeah, he said every time. I don't know. No, it's.

[Sam Tallent]

He's calling you a hack.

[Mark Norman]

Shake hack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Martin, what else has been going on? You've been here in Austin or you're just visiting? What's.

[Martin Phillips]

I live here south before, Right?

[Paul Diemer]

You've done the show.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, we met before.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

You have more clothes on, but, you know, it's cool.

[Sam Tallent]

Where'd you grow up? Inside of a microwave?

[Martin Phillips]

Washing machine.

[Mark Norman]

Washing machine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Paul Diemer]

Hey, look at this idiot.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, we're making fun of the special needs guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing?

[Mark Norman]

All right, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Paul Diemer]

Someone self conscious.

[Sam Tallent]

It's Martin's Make a Wish.

[Martin Phillips]

This is like my eighth Make a wish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're the first seven. For stillness

[Sam Tallent]

for a moment of calm.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I think you age out a mega wish. I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you tried anything for that? Like, I've seen some videos where, like, they get people.

[Martin Phillips]

Well, you have things high and. Sorry, you talk about make a wish, cuz you have to be dying and I not dying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't you just say that you're dying? It seems like if you came in, you're like, I'm dying. I believe you give you the wish.

[Martin Phillips]

They get like a doctor's note to be like, hey, he's got to die. Die. He's gotta make mickey before you die. That's it. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever tried anything, though, like ketamine or anything to calm this down?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, I've gotten weed before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's street crack?

[Martin Phillips]

Have you ever tried not street crack. Not any horrid drugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I bet the cracks in the streets actually cause quite the problem for you.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I'll head with a homeless, I guess.

[Sam Tallent]

Have you tried duct Tape just encasing your body in it. Cocoon man.

[Martin Phillips]

Velcro. Velcro's easier to get break free from.

[Mark Norman]

How long you been doing comedy? Oh, I think I saw your special on Twitch. Yes.

[Ari Matti]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

That wasn't hacky. Okay. That was a good joke.

[D Madness]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you tried. Have you tried a things that normal people do and looked funny doing them? Like probably everything? Yeah. Did you play any sports growing up or anything like that? I did.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm in college. I was out the club. Baseball team.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How about hula hoop? You seem like you'd be good at hula hoop.

[Martin Phillips]

No, dude, I can't do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't do it?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

I swear to God. Yeah, I don't know how. Do you want to add the hula hoop here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, we don't have one, Michael.

[Sam Tallent]

I don't fit in them, so I've never tried.

[Paul Diemer]

Sam just calls that a belt.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

You hard? What's your story?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special moves in the bedroom?

[Sam Tallent]

They must love it when you're inside of them.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, you're a human vibrator.

[Martin Phillips]

I've heard that before. Yeah, you know, just do my thing, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that thing?

[Martin Phillips]

You know, the regular thing. Oh, hey, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, what are some of your friends favorite things to do? Like, is there a specific position or thing that your favorite thing that in your. In the bedroom for you?

[Martin Phillips]

I just like being there, you know, like,

[Mark Norman]

happy to be there.

[Trenton Tebow]

I'm with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm there. Presence is your favorite position of present.

[Martin Phillips]

I had this for like. Hell yeah, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Have you thought about, like, having kids?

[Martin Phillips]

Not right now. I have to really quantify at the moment.

[Sam Tallent]

I feel like you could raise kids, but never above your own head.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, no. I do have nieces and nephews, but I will be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're scared of you.

[Martin Phillips]

I didn't hold them too much when they were babies, but now you can throw them around in school. We have fun now. We. You know.

[Paul Diemer]

How old are you, buddy?

[Trey Campbell]

I.

[Martin Phillips]

32.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay, cool. What do you do for a living? No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

My bad, my bad, my bad.

[Mark Norman]

Wait, what? What does he do? I knew that.

[D Madness]

Sorry.

[Martin Phillips]

My eyes out. Look like, you know.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Martin. Another unbelievable performance. Congratulations.

[Mark Norman]

Killer funny Martin Phill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Melissa Diaz. Melissa. Mexicans. Diaz.

[Paul Diemer]

Who likes Mexicans?

[Melissa Diaz]

So it was my dad's birthday the other day, and it's pretty hard to shop for dads. They always have everything they need. So whenever his birthday comes around, I just give him flowers. People think it's. But you know, what else am I supposed to put on his grave? Alright, we're like, look, all right, he's dead, but at least now he's more emotionally available. So that's pretty cool. You know, he used to run marathons when he was alive. Now he can't run away when I want to talk about my feelings. So it's pretty cool. We scattered his ashes off of Queens harbor in New York. Not by choice. That's just where the plane exploded.

[Cam Patterson]

But.

[Melissa Diaz]

It was a beautiful ceremony. And what's crazy is that it did happen. It was a plane crash. It happened two months after 9 11. Isn't that crazy? As though nobody gave a shit basically that a bunch of Dominicans just floated in Queens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Melissa Diaz]

That's just. But it's weird to be jealous of 99 11. Okay. Every year I'm just bitching about it like some mistress bitching about her boyfriend's housewife. Right? Like what does she have that I don't have? An inside job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, what a set. Holy Melissa Diaz. Unbelievable.

[Trey Campbell]

Good job.

[Paul Diemer]

Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been on this show before? Yeah.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Well, welcome back.

[Melissa Diaz]

First time at the mothership though. This is great.

[Paul Diemer]

Where's the other one? Vulcan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And a fantastic, fantastic set.

[Melissa Diaz]

Thank you.

[Paul Diemer]

Good, confident, solid. Good job.

[Melissa Diaz]

Thank you.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Mexican, right?

[Melissa Diaz]

Indeed.

[Paul Diemer]

They're coming for our stage time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing standup?

[Melissa Diaz]

Eight years now at this point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight years. Most of it in New York. And do you live here now?

[Melissa Diaz]

I do. I've been here for about two.

[Nick Mummy]

Two years, love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what do you love about Austin, Texas?

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah, it's is nice sky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice sky. Yeah, we do have a sky here. Yeah, it is wild.

[Paul Diemer]

Do you miss the rats?

[Melissa Diaz]

Just the my uncles, but that's it.

[Mark Norman]

Nobody else is fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Mark Norman]

The Jews, you miss them?

[Melissa Diaz]

Oh yes.

[Sam Tallent]

You already asked about the rats.

[Melissa Diaz]

You actually missed the Jews.

[William Montgomery]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And your dad was really in that plane crash?

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah, it was Flight 587. It was 2001. It would happen two months after 9 11. It was crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn, I remember that study. I'm interested in commercial plane crashes. Yeah.

[Melissa Diaz]

Oh you are?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Melissa Diaz]

Very interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Melissa Diaz]

That you are interested in that. That's fucking weird, no?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, no, it's a big thing. It's a big thing. I'm forgetting the name of the fucking

[Melissa Diaz]

actually like that you are channel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yeah, it's very, very interesting.

[Paul Diemer]

It's funny because in Europe they thought 911 was November 9th, so they thought.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, right, it was about her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Reverse calendar joke.

[Mark Norman]

I got that.

[Melissa Diaz]

Thank you.

[Mark Norman]

An autistic guy in the back high fiving someone else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finally.

[Sam Tallent]

He's just rocking, nodding yes.

[Mark Norman]

Did your dad call you from the phone on the plane?

[Paul Diemer]

Let's roll.

[Melissa Diaz]

He didn't call me when he was alive. Why would he call me on the plane?

[Paul Diemer]

Sucks when a shitty dad dad does. It's really conflicting.

[Melissa Diaz]

Now, he was. He was. He was okay. He did the best he could.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

You know, as a rapist white feeder, he did pretty good.

[Melissa Diaz]

I was a piece of also. I was a piece of teenager, so it was also on me. He did call me before he got on the flight.

[Paul Diemer]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

Oh, really?

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah. But I was too high, so I said, can I call you back?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was high too? For a second.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah, he was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then it all came crashing down.

[Brian Redban]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, wow. What does your mom do? Is she in your life?

[Melissa Diaz]

Yes, she's an art therapist, sort of, but she's not licensed as a teacher, so now she's just working with mentally challenged adults.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. The last guy that was up here.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

She keeps having the kids draw plane crashes.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was your dad doing? Did your mom almost go on that trip? Where was he traveling?

[Melissa Diaz]

No, they were divorced. This was crazy because he's Puerto Rican. He was on a flight to the Dominican Republic, but everything about his death was just very Dominican. Like, once, you know, he died, we found out he had a secret family in doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah, sort of. Like he just gotten married and she had kids and it was just a whole thing we just didn't even know about.

[Paul Diemer]

Can I ask you a question? So you're a comic out here now? Eight years. Nine years.

[Melissa Diaz]

I have been here eight years, but yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay, where do you go up? What is your normal, like, spots here? How do you get up?

[Melissa Diaz]

I just kind of do mics. A lot of mics. I'm not. I'm very introverted, so I'm not good at the whole networky thing. So I just kind of get up and then I've been getting booked because of it.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, do a lot of mics. Mike who.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, it's kind of funny.

[Brian Redban]

She got married at Skank Fest this year.

[Melissa Diaz]

That's.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh.

[Melissa Diaz]

I just got married downstairs in a little chapel. All our friends were there, so we figured.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where was your little chapel at SK Fest?

[Sam Tallent]

On the first floor, like, down the street.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. He does comedy oh, okay.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's funnier, you or him? Did he sign up tonight?

[Melissa Diaz]

No. I would have loved to have that whole moment, but no, absolutely.

[Sam Tallent]

Did Zak Amiko eat the whole cake?

[Melissa Diaz]

He did not make it down there, so no.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, there were stairs involved.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah, there were stairs. So he didn't go. So we got to eat our cake.

[Sam Tallent]

The big fat guy.

[Melissa Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fantastic set.

[Mark Norman]

Funny, funny.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, that was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. I'd love to have you back on the Secret show Thursday. I would love to.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Sam Tallent]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Secret show. Do you already have one of these?

[Ashley Seta]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, Melissa Diaz.

[Melissa Diaz]

All right, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On to the next one.

[Mark Norman]

What a great set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for Melissa Diaz, everybody?

[Mark Norman]

There you go. All right. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're keeping it flying through. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. All right, get a drink, Ari.

[Sam Tallent]

She's married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for your next comedian. Trenton Tebow, everybody.

[Mark Norman]

Trenton Tebow and Trenton. Hell yeah.

[Trenton Tebow]

Well, my girlfriend broke up with me recently and that sucks. It sucks because I have the same taste in women as black guys,

[Jonathan Cando]

So

[Trenton Tebow]

that kind of kills my self confidence because, like, that's the last group of guys I really want to compete against. Like, if it was just me and Asian dudes and the thick, overweight white women, that'd be a dream come true. Listen, I have a type and It's a type 2. A little bit about me. I'm a fat, ugly stranger, straight. So basically, I'm two thirds of a trans woman.

[Mark Norman]

That's a good joke.

[Trenton Tebow]

I'm like a natural transo. Like I was born with a dick and then I grew tits.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a. Yeah, Trenton.

[Mark Norman]

Way to pull it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rock solid.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no. Boo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People booing Ari's pants. Going back on a sad moment in history.

[Mark Norman]

If you're here, who's working at BUC EE's?

[Sam Tallent]

If you're here, who's killing all the nurses?

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah, I'm actually. I work at Popeyes as a. As a diversity hire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? You really work at Popeyes?

[Mark Norman]

That's not bad.

[Sam Tallent]

He's the only pink employee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Trenton Tebow]

I actually do work at a restaurant and then I also build handmade swim baits for a lure company.

[Paul Diemer]

Swim baits?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that?

[Paul Diemer]

What's a swim bait?

[Trenton Tebow]

It looks like a fish. It's overpriced. Or like a 115 to 400 for a fishing lure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it looks like they're swimming. It goes like that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, basically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I know.

[Paul Diemer]

What do you do for the company?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz I'm a man I build them.

[Paul Diemer]

You build them.

[Trenton Tebow]

Context clues.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay, so you're like a real true country fucking bumpkin, am I right?

[Trenton Tebow]

You would be exactly correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It takes a real fucking middle of nowhere gagoots to make fishing lures. So I want to find out more about this treacherous lifestyle of yours. Hold on. We have to let this man with full blown AIDS get to the restroom real quick. And it was easy. ET yeah, it's bloody urine for sure. Coming up. Okay, go ahead. Tell us about your trashy childhood.

[Trenton Tebow]

It's a lot better than what you think it would be. Honestly, by listening to me.

[Paul Diemer]

Is your dad Theo Vaughn?

[Mark Norman]

No. Theo Vaughn's successful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He looks like Theo Dutch.

[Trenton Tebow]

My mom spent a little time in Louisiana. So here he might be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Sam Tallent]

Where, where did you grow up?

[Trenton Tebow]

I grew up about three hours north of here. West Fort Worth.

[Sam Tallent]

Okay.

[Trenton Tebow]

Ys Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh. You ever heard of Sulphur Springs?

[Paul Diemer]

Is that where cars is?

[Trenton Tebow]

Yes, I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's where they shot some of the movie radio. So, Trenton. Tell us more about you. What do you like to do for fun? What are some interesting things about Trenton?

[Trenton Tebow]

I'm pretty boring. I like to fish a lot and that's about it.

[Mark Norman]

Come on. You pet animals too hard?

[Trenton Tebow]

I, I. Yeah. I really don't have much of life. I've been hitting the bars lately since my girlfriend left me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long were you with her for?

[Trenton Tebow]

I'm sorry?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long were you with her for?

[Trenton Tebow]

I was with her for like two and a half years.

[Paul Diemer]

What happened there?

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah, I have no idea. She just decided to leave me on September 11th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

September 11th?

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. Did she at least say Allah, Allah Akbar first?

[Trenton Tebow]

No, she didn't. Not a big history stuff.

[Sam Tallent]

But at least you'll never forget.

[Paul Diemer]

You will remember now. That's a good point. Sam,

[Sam Tallent]

don't play the Jewish music during that joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know who really did. 9 11. Only we could have such a coordinated attack.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah, take some intelligence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so she broke up with you on 911. Where was this? Was this at your place? Was it at a restaurant?

[Paul Diemer]

On phone?

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah, it was over the phone.

[Mark Norman]

I know.

[Trenton Tebow]

That's what I'm saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

I'm guessing it was over speakerphone on the bus.

[Ari Matti]

Sorry.

[Paul Diemer]

Two and a half years.

[Trenton Tebow]

Two and a half years over the phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did she say to you when she broke up with you? Just tell us what she actually.

[Sam Tallent]

I'm tired of your hell raising, Trenton.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

You spend so much time at that catfish pit, you come home with all types of dog food between Your fingers?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Then you want to put it in my hole. No more of that, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. I don't want any kibbles in my bits.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah, I'm going to Jackson.

[Trenton Tebow]

Basically. Basically I told her we weren't going to get married, so she said I can't do this anymore and told her

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're not going to get married.

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah, that's exactly right.

[Paul Diemer]

That's crazy. She was hoping.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Paul Diemer]

To marry you.

[Mark Norman]

So is it weird not talking to your sister again?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So why didn't you want to get married?

[Trenton Tebow]

Former relationship really ruined that for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us what happened there.

[Trenton Tebow]

I was just with another chick for like five years and real pressured into getting married and I just fell out of love with her. And so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it ended up. Every relationship ends up going bad for you because they want to marry you.

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah, basically. That's kind of how it goes.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Paul Diemer]

Cats, buddy.

[Mark Norman]

That's flattering.

[Sam Tallent]

What do you have like a forked or something? It's webbed.

[Trenton Tebow]

It's not impressive at all.

[Paul Diemer]

What is it about you then, buddy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So now you're sitting single, you think you're going to be able to lure in someone else?

[Sam Tallent]

Are you going to be a masturbator forever?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fish bait jokes, folks. They won't be floating around all night.

[Trenton Tebow]

I actually, I was actually about to link up with like a 55 year old cougar the other day.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. She was fishing too.

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah. And then, then I missed the hint and didn't follow her back to her hotel room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the hint? Hey, you want to go, kid?

[Jonathan Cando]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

Hey, I got menopause in about 20 minutes.

[Trenton Tebow]

She was basically like, oh, I'm tired. After she was done playing with my hair and all that and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Playing with your hair.

[Sam Tallent]

She's like, your face is the same color as my pussy.

[Trenton Tebow]

But. And then like three days later I was hanging out at the same bar and I went home with some gal and it turned out to be her niece.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you're just hard as a rock. Then what happened? You banged the knees?

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah, I slept with the knees. So now the ants out of the picture.

[Paul Diemer]

That's probably for the best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how it goes. How old's the niece?

[Trenton Tebow]

1727.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay. You with condoms or no condoms?

[Trenton Tebow]

Condoms. Now, since I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Condoms. Do they have a special kind for billy goats?

[Paul Diemer]

Does what?

[Trenton Tebow]

Oh, since, since. I'm just trying to. Around now.

[Paul Diemer]

What. What happened before?

[Trenton Tebow]

I was in long term relationships, so I figured.

[Trey Campbell]

You blast.

[Rick Diaz]

I'm sorry?

[Paul Diemer]

You blast.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude.

[Trenton Tebow]

Oh yeah. I was, I was Supposed to open up for a cam in Fort Worth and I got hit by a semi on my way there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got hit by a semi? Were you in your car?

[Trenton Tebow]

I was in a truck, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ashley Seta]

Really?

[Trenton Tebow]

Yes.

[Mark Norman]

What happened?

[Trenton Tebow]

I was sitting in traffic on I20 and we were. We stopped and this semi didn't, and it turned into a six car pileup.

[Paul Diemer]

What?

[Trenton Tebow]

And I got. I was on my way, actually, to hyenas.

[Paul Diemer]

And then Tracy Morgan rushed you and you.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Did you get paid? Did you get the lawsuit?

[Trenton Tebow]

We're working on it.

[Mark Norman]

Hell yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

Nice.

[Trenton Tebow]

The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

I'm guessing you don't have the best lawyers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, your honor, I stopped and they didn't. I rest my case, I think.

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Objection.

[Paul Diemer]

That doesn't go here.

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah. The truck driver was Ukrainian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. So they definitely want you to pay for it.

[Trenton Tebow]

So now I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were probably rushing to get wherever they were going.

[Trenton Tebow]

I was. I was on the fence before, but now I'm for sure pro Russia.

[Sam Tallent]

It must have been a sturdy fence.

[Trenton Tebow]

All right, you're one to talk.

[Sam Tallent]

I do. Like I look like you from the future. Here to warn you. Make good decisions. All right. Yeah.

[Trenton Tebow]

Working on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. I love it. Trenton. A very, very fun performance. Congratulations. Joke book dude. There you go.

[Trenton Tebow]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fill it up with jokes. Yeah. Let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, before we get back to the bucket, here's one of the great regulars of our history, A force. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson. Everybod.

[Cam Patterson]

I hit that guy in the semi truck. I didn't want to open for me. I did that, nigga. I went surfing for the first time last week. I didn't like it. My. The nigga that was teaching me how to surf, he was gay. That was weird. You feel what I'm saying? And not because he was gay. We were just all out in the ocean by saying he could have raped me or something. I don't know. I don't swim good, sir. It was a bad time. I would tell you you this. All I saw was like a sunset. We just saw, like a beautiful sunset. And it looked so dope. And then he looked at me and, no, we did not kiss, white man. He just. He just looked at me and he was like, yo, that's so beautiful. And I like, bro, it is beautiful. It's beautiful as. And he. It was dope. It was a good thing to see. I was like, man, that is dope, bro. He says, kind of look like heaven, right? And I Said, yeah. And then he went, if heaven was real. Wait a minute. I don't believe we in the middle of the ocean with a atheist dickhead. What the. He don't believe in miracles. That's crazy, bro. That's insane. That's wild as. Yeah, that's my minute. That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. There you go, Cam. Patterson, you really can't swim good.

[Cam Patterson]

I swim all right, but it's not the best. I'm not one of the best swimmers of all time. You feel me?

[Paul Diemer]

That means he's the best black swimmer of all time.

[Sam Tallent]

Cuz your pockets are full of rocks.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, that's the problem. That's the issue, man. All the rocks in my goddamn pocket. That was fun, though. Surfing was cool. I like to do.

[Paul Diemer]

Where you go surfing?

[Cam Patterson]

I went to Malibu.

[Paul Diemer]

Oh, nice.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah. That was dope. Yeah, that's cool. Here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

I stood up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You stood up?

[Cam Patterson]

I got up.

[Paul Diemer]

It's fun. It's fun, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible. And

[Paul Diemer]

what are you doing in Malibu?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you up there?

[Cam Patterson]

I was up there for like three, four seconds, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

It felt like forever, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing in m. Were you taking a break from looting? Malibu is an odd place.

[Cam Patterson]

I was scoping out some spots here

[Paul Diemer]

I wanted to rob, but everything was burned down. It sucked.

[Cam Patterson]

Where they burned down Malibu? That burnt down?

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah, a lot of it.

[Cam Patterson]

Damn.

[Rick Diaz]

Really?

[Paul Diemer]

Oh, no. I'm thinking of Maui. I'm sorry.

[Mark Norman]

Big difference.

[Paul Diemer]

I'm wrong.

[Cam Patterson]

I was like, that shit looked beautiful, and I would. That's crazy.

[Sam Tallent]

Ari has Sundowner syndrome, so.

[Paul Diemer]

Sundowner.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm just happy I'm after you pulled your dick out. That was cool.

[Paul Diemer]

I know.

[Cam Patterson]

I was backst. Like, thank God I ain't got to see that. I got a lady friend here. She seen your whole dick, man.

[Paul Diemer]

Damn.

[Cam Patterson]

I would text her, like, I'm sorry. Usually this don't happen all the time. I apologize.

[Paul Diemer]

I kept this off to make you look good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's mostly balls. It's really mostly. Mostly balls. It's a lot of balls. It's like mostly balls.

[Paul Diemer]

You got any new marbles lately?

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, marbles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean, marbles?

[Paul Diemer]

You repping any new marbles? Marbles? Yeah. I love marbles.

[Cam Patterson]

Marbles are cool.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah, buddy.

[Cam Patterson]

You ever seen marble racing? Yeah, that dope. You ever seen marble racing?

[Ari Matti]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Marble marble racing, dude. Yeah, I thought. I thought you were talking about, like a cousin or something. Marble racing. What else is going on, Cam? What else is Going on in life. You surfed?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else did you do in la? Anything crazy?

[Cam Patterson]

Almost.

[Sam Tallent]

Oh,

[Paul Diemer]

he thought of something.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, shit, bro. Me and Lazer was supposed to fuck some porn stars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. Sounds like a. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Crazy, right? So listen, porn stars come to the show, I'm thinking, oh, it's a done deal. They wanna fuck one of the bitches showing her titties to Laser at the bar. This was insane, right? So we get back to the BNB and the drive past me. So I'm an optimistic young man. I go, what they going to do? They f to go park. And he was like, nah. I was like, what you mean nah? What happened? It was four in the car. Porn stars and uncle ladies. I said, what happened? And he said, the main porn star got a text message from her dad and her dad said he was going to kill her herself. That he was going to kill himself. And her whole demeanor changed. She ain't want to no more. I want y' all to know something. I hope that is dead. I hope he did it, dog.

[Mark Norman]

There you go.

[Cam Patterson]

I hope he did it. Your daughter is a porn star. You lost already, dog.

[Sam Tallent]

It's over.

[Paul Diemer]

Yep.

[Mark Norman]

She was like, I'm gonna go a black guy. He's like, that's it. Porn. I was okay.

[Trenton Tebow]

Okay with.

[Mark Norman]

This is where I draw the line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's interesting. Things are really out of order here. Normally the dad kills himself and then they become a porn star. This is like the chicken or the egg or something like that.

[Cam Patterson]

He waited like he was like, damn, I could save her. And then she was like, she f to laser or something. Hell no.

[Paul Diemer]

Major laser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Paul Diemer]

You want the road? Major laser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Uncle Laser.

[Cam Patterson]

Uncle Laser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big difference.

[Mark Norman]

Different laser.

[Cam Patterson]

Major laser. Who is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Techno.

[Cam Patterson]

Techno?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Paul Diemer]

Basically he's like a. Like he's just rock.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, yeah, apparently.

[Cam Patterson]

But yeah, that's fun.

[Paul Diemer]

That's cool.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wild. Have you ever been with a porn star before?

[Mark Norman]

Ah, come on, James Dean.

[Cam Patterson]

Where the camera at? But I would like to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there you go.

[Cam Patterson]

Talk to me. I'm a handsome young black man with a medium sized dick. Come with a.

[Mark Norman]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Johnny Sims turn up.

[Sam Tallent]

Who's your favorite pornography star?

[Cam Patterson]

Right? Oh, my favorite porn star.

[Mark Norman]

Who am Jeremy?

[Paul Diemer]

I think we're in top five.

[Cam Patterson]

Who the is that?

[Paul Diemer]

Some guy in jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's one of the greats.

[Paul Diemer]

He's yesterday.

[Cam Patterson]

Damn.

[Sam Tallent]

He was like our Cosby. For real.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill raping.

[Sam Tallent]

Oh, yeah.

[Ashley Seta]

Oh yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Thinking that's great. Why are we dapping up to this. That's crazy. That's insane.

[Sam Tallent]

You have to do it back, though.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't want to do this one. Not this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Solving racism with rape. Hey, that's crazy.

[Sam Tallent]

Rapism.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no. I like. I like Pinky. Till she got fat. Pinky was cool. And then she got Pinky. Pinky? Yeah. You know Pinky?

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah. My research.

[Cam Patterson]

You know Pinky?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

This got no pinky hair. Everybody know Pinky. He get it. She a big. Not old. When she would. I mean, I love big.

[Mark Norman]

That's my problem.

[Cam Patterson]

I love all types of women. I love all women. All women are dope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. We can confirm. Pinky got a little thick.

[Cam Patterson]

Pinky got big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

As the whole red ban always brings up.

[Mark Norman]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, look at this red ban.

[Mark Norman]

Already had that pulled up. That was weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. It's his homepage the whole time.

[Mark Norman]

Wow. Is that a African American lady?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. What are those sunglasses? The D match.

[Mark Norman]

They make everything white.

[Rick Diaz]

It's better.

[Mark Norman]

They're called gentrifiers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Pinky got old.

[Sam Tallent]

That's rough.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It got rough.

[Mark Norman]

She looks like David Lucas.

[Paul Diemer]

I don't know.

[Sam Tallent]

That's a.

[Mark Norman]

A bad idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam, you did it again. Another amazing performance. So much fun. There goes the great Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Sam Tallent]

Go see Cam live. It's very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really is. Check the dates. We're about to be in Florida this weekend. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Camcorder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Cam Patterson, everybody. All right, back to the bucket.

[Mark Norman]

We go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

60 seconds. Seconds goes to Nick. Mume or mummy or mama.

[Sam Tallent]

Nick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mama M U M M E. Hey, mama.

[Nick Mummy]

What the is going on? Shows were so much fun when I was growing up, you know? Like, I remember there was a show called Pimp my Ride where like, they would get a mom with three kids. We're like, all she had was a crippling mortgage, you know, with just her car. The guy would walk out and be like, and we heard you didn't have any money. That sucks. Anyway, we turned the back your car into a hot tub. Also, they turned your windshield into a flat screen tv. Don't ask me why. Yeah, yeah. The girl I'm seeing has like really high standards, but I have really low standards. So when we do stuff in the bedroom, the bag goes on my head. Yeah. That's all I'm going to do.

[Paul Diemer]

Nice power.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

53 seconds from Nick.

[Sam Tallent]

Is it mommy got muppet mouth?

[D Madness]

Hell yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

You're very nervous.

[Nick Mummy]

Wait, what?

[Paul Diemer]

You're very nervous.

[Nick Mummy]

Kinda.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah, I kinda.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nick, welcome. How long you been doing stand up comedy for?

[Nick Mummy]

I wanna Say it's right around three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. And what do you do for work other than put body parts into your refrigerator

[Sam Tallent]

and Miss Piggy?

[Nick Mummy]

Mostly just work with dogs.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do you do with dogs?

[Mark Norman]

You work with black guys?

[Nick Mummy]

Just pretty much just like, watch. Wait, what?

[Tony Cruz]

Nothing.

[Mark Norman]

Keep going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what? Is exactly what I thought, Nick. Keep going. What do you do with dogs exactly?

[Nick Mummy]

Oh, just watch them.

[Paul Diemer]

It's like a watch over across the bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Butter off of what?

[Mark Norman]

You make them fight?

[Nick Mummy]

No, it's kind of like a daycare thing where they just like around and I just sit there and watch them? Pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So people, you knock on their door and then they answer the door and. And then you go, hello, I'm here to watch your dogs.

[Nick Mummy]

I wish it was that easy. No, they come to us and they just drop them off and we just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Nick Mummy]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Dude, why do you sound that way? Did you go down depth this morning?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nick Mummy]

Wait, what?

[Sam Tallent]

Your voice is ridiculous. Your voice sounds like A.I. generated it. I'm a human being.

[Nick Mummy]

Maybe. Great question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that accent? Where are you from? What did you witness as a child?

[Nick Mummy]

Yeah, I'm from here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're from Austin, Texas.

[Nick Mummy]

I mean, from Texas. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. And why do. Why do you think you don't notice that you have a little bit of a twang, if you will?

[Nick Mummy]

I mean, I don't pay attention to it, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Nick Mummy]

Like I don't pay attention to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't pay attention to your own voice?

[Nick Mummy]

No.

[Sam Tallent]

Would you if you sounded that way?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So interesting. Nobody's ever mentioned this to you? Do you sound kind of vape? What is that? I don't know what that is, but

[Sam Tallent]

I love it for this phenomenon.

[Mark Norman]

What was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To be quite honest, I've never thought of it before in my life. Funny you should ask on from here.

[Sam Tallent]

I love that song.

[Paul Diemer]

I'd say of all the people I've met in my life, your Adam's apple is top selling seven.

[Nick Mummy]

Okay.

[Sam Tallent]

You got a whole orchard in your throat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[Mark Norman]

Man. He didn't budge on that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now. Now I see it. The Adam's apple is aggressive, pronounced. Does your dad sound like you?

[Nick Mummy]

No, not at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not at all. So the Adam's apple falls far from the tree on this one?

[Nick Mummy]

Very far.

[Paul Diemer]

Son, I'm sorry I never said I loved you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does your mom sound like? You have been frozen in carbonite.

[Sam Tallent]

So

[Mark Norman]

they sound like RFK junior.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Effects will wear off, you're temporarily blind.

[Paul Diemer]

Don't make the mistakes I made. Understand the risks of Smoking.

[Mark Norman]

All right, in feet, how close can you get to kids?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, here's what we're going to do. We're going to show you pictures of children on Red Band's iPad. And Ari is going to continue to tap your penis. And we're going to try to get you from one to ten on a firmness.

[Sam Tallent]

Let's tie a bell to his.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't Google kids, Red man. Don't do it.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, don't go pinky. And then hot Kinky kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. You can't go.

[Cam Patterson]

You can't go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

P. Can't. Hot kids. It's okay. They signed a. Everybody signs a special piece of paper. We can technically molest people up there. I can't get hard anyway.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, man. Oh, this guy's gonna choke the out of a puppy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do to let some anger out when you have to kill some energy? What do you do? What are some guilty pleasures?

[Paul Diemer]

Enjoy.

[Mark Norman]

You ever killed a foreigner?

[Nick Mummy]

I mostly play games, jack off, watch movies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, what do you jack off to exactly?

[Sam Tallent]

Multi.

[Nick Mummy]

Just big tit porn, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big.

[Paul Diemer]

No harm, no harm, no foul on that.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, Victimless crime.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a girlfriend?

[Sam Tallent]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Do you have a victim who did that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Paul Diemer]

Someone just talking. Do you hope to make a girlfriend?

[Rick Diaz]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to keep ask. I'm going to keep asking questions and I'm going to have Sam answer for you. Lot more interesting. Have you had a girlfriend before?

[Sam Tallent]

I wouldn't call it a girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, if you wouldn't call it a girlfriend, I mean, what would you. What would you consider it?

[Sam Tallent]

A barista that didn't know I was there. I had my hand inside of her though.

[Mark Norman]

Dark hooks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Paul Diemer]

Why does it make you sound like a henchman for the Venture brothers?

[Nick Mummy]

I thought he was doing pretty good on.

[Sam Tallent]

Wait, who said that, me or you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a spot on impression of Sam Talon's impression of you.

[Mark Norman]

What's your goal? What do you want to do in life?

[Sam Tallent]

I want to make a mask of a human face.

[Mark Norman]

How'd you lose your virginity?

[Sam Tallent]

She wasn't awake. But I was more awake than I've ever been. I didn't know I could be that awake.

[Mark Norman]

Oh. Oh, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God, that is incredible.

[Mark Norman]

How do you feel about Jews?

[Sam Tallent]

I think that it's an act of genocide. He said that, not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely amazing. Nick. Mummy. What an interesting force you are. Other than stand up comedy, is there anything you could ever picture yourself doing? You seem like you're, you know, like hell bent on this.

[Nick Mummy]

Probably working the movies, doing something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of job in movies could you possibly do?

[Sam Tallent]

Muppets Take Austin.

[Trenton Tebow]

That one.

[Sam Tallent]

We just got to get into Mothership and that's gravy. After that, I'm going to be the first Felt guest on Joe Rogan.

[Mark Norman]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Oh, God. I could keep you up here and have Sam answer for you forever, but I guess I have to. Guess I guess I have to keep it moving.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. You want to say something to the world?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Come on. A final message. Any.

[Mark Norman]

It could be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It could be anything in the. The world.

[Nick Mummy]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, come on.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Nick, here's a big joke book. Congratulations, my friend. Hell, yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

He's gonna go practice blinking in the back.

[Paul Diemer]

I bet. I bet that guy rules a thunder sticks.

[Sam Tallent]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise. 60 seconds for Caleb Silvers, everybody. Caleb Silver. Possibly Jewish. Here we go.

[Paul Diemer]

It might be Jewish.

[Rick Diaz]

So I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but I don't get laid very often, you know, Kind of sucks. Hashtag. Me, too. Yes. More like hashtag, what about me? Jesus Christ. I wake up every morning praying today is the day somebody at work finally slaps me on the ass. But not once. Not once. I am. Well, I'm gay, so you don't have to worry about me getting all pissed off about nobody wanting to fuck me. You know the difference is straight guys who can't get laid look in the mirror and say, I don't know why nobody wants to fuck me. And then they shoot up a food court. Gay guys, on the other hand, look in the mirror and say, yeah, I wouldn't. You either. You're disgusting, your breast stinks, your personality sucks, and your mother is a cunt. And then we just spend the rest of the night crying alone in the shower. Is that 60 seconds?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Rick Diaz]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's 51 seconds.

[Trevor Mischo]

51 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I figured I'd let you know.

[Paul Diemer]

My favorite part of that was the few of you that pretended to relate to gay culture. Culture that chuckled at his thing about the showers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I loved you in Making a Murder. It was. Yeah, it's fantastic.

[Rick Diaz]

That was my best part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

But you're gay.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't seem gay at all.

[Paul Diemer]

You don't seem gay. You want a beer?

[Rick Diaz]

Sure. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't seem gay. You must be the generally.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Always Top.

[Sam Tallent]

You might want this one.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam Talents new special. The Toads morale. December 26th.

[Sam Tallent]

Watch my special. It comes out tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast YouTube channel. Make sure you watch. So how old were you when you realized you were gay? It seems like. Like an hour ago or something.

[Ari Matti]

Always.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

How? Yeah, I came out right, really young.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He kind of sounds muppety as well. Am I crazy?

[Rick Diaz]

It sounds exactly the same. Yeah. All right.

[Paul Diemer]

Just nerves, I guess.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

Is there some sort of gay welcoming committee that tells you not to talk like that?

[Rick Diaz]

No. Well, no, I wish there were.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's interesting. Two Muppets in a row and you're the one that actually likes a hand up your ass.

[Rick Diaz]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, band. I didn't know you guys had that locked and locked. Loaded.

[Sam Tallent]

Do you get. So, can I ask you a question? Please. Is it. Are you only like. Do you only give the penis or do you receive it?

[Rick Diaz]

Did you not hear my bid? I never get laid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But if you did?

[Sam Tallent]

In a perfect world.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah. In a perfect world. Yeah. I'm more of a top. Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Nice.

[Mark Norman]

Really?

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah. Yeah, for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why is it scary for you? For the same reason that it's scary for everybody, probably.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

Well, tonight we all got up.

[Rick Diaz]

I don't have the balls to like, really go all the way.

[Sam Tallent]

It's Hanukkah. You're a top, Ari. Spin him,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

G. Yeah. Puts the men in menorah. All right, so what's the gayest thing you've ever done?

[Sam Tallent]

Probably have sex with a man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I mean, like, I put my

[Paul Diemer]

penis inside a dude dick up here tonight.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah. I dressed up like a girl one time for Halloween.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you, Amy Schumer?

[Rick Diaz]

No, no, I wish. Yeah, yeah, No, I tripped down the stairs and broke my leg in my heels. So it was. Yeah, I said, I'll never do that again. That turned me straighter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, right. Yeah. Women's bones break easily. You really committed to character there. Have you ever been with a woman?

[Rick Diaz]

No.

[Ari Matti]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Really?

[Paul Diemer]

You should try it. It's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might have a.

[Sam Tallent]

There's no shit in there.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah. What? What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's a self lubricating hole.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah, I get it. It's more of the guy attached to it. I would a dude that with a vagina before I would a girl with a dick. Does that make sense?

[Sam Tallent]

So you're a hero.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah, basically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's really not about genitalia.

[Rick Diaz]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it's really about like man face

[Rick Diaz]

is what you're basically. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a specific type? You like manly men?

[Rick Diaz]

I like them all kinds of questions. I like twinks. I like every can question. Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

Rank them.

[Rick Diaz]

Mark sounds like Mark, obviously.

[Paul Diemer]

Obviously.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Paul Diemer]

Obviously. Okay.

[Ari Matti]

For sure.

[Paul Diemer]

Obviously.

[Rick Diaz]

Mark's obviously.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay. Now the real dust.

[Rick Diaz]

Tony's second close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But thank you. Thank you. I'm in a different. I'm in the.

[Paul Diemer]

Cause you ran into him at a bar recently?

[Rick Diaz]

No.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay, go ahead. Maybe go ahead.

[Sam Tallent]

We ranked the rest of us too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, yeah. Let's go.

[Rick Diaz]

No.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

You red band? No, not on my worst day, probably.

[Mark Norman]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. Not on your worst day. This guy.

[Paul Diemer]

Was I last or is red band last?

[Rick Diaz]

I'm sorry, buddy. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You red band before redband first?

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you have it all out of order.

[Sam Tallent]

But I look like a trans woman.

[Rick Diaz]

That's true. If you had a pussy, you would be first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right,

[Rick Diaz]

does that make sense, like

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

an actual or a fake? Like man?

[Rick Diaz]

Not like a actual. Like born a chick turned into a dude, you know? That's hot.

[Mark Norman]

Wait a minute, hold on.

[Rick Diaz]

Turned great

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hatred right now this super famously homophobic D madness. Just yelled stop in the middle of all this. Got.

[Paul Diemer]

I'm blind. Doesn't mean I can throw up off an image.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, got a little too real for D that. Don't let the rainbow sunglasses fool you. He is homophobic to a glory hole.

[Rick Diaz]

What?

[Mark Norman]

You ever done a glory hole?

[Rick Diaz]

No.

[Paul Diemer]

Oh, try it.

[Rick Diaz]

Do you know of one?

[Paul Diemer]

Oh, yeah, for sure I would. Yeah. Come to the back.

[Rick Diaz]

Give me the address. Okay. I'll try anything.

[Mark Norman]

What about rest stops? Is that real?

[Rick Diaz]

I don't know.

[Sam Tallent]

What about adult bookstore stores?

[Rick Diaz]

Don't know.

[Paul Diemer]

What about churches?

[Rick Diaz]

I'm the worst gay guy ever, okay? Literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever hooked up anywhere other than a bedroom with a man?

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where?

[Rick Diaz]

In a hammock.

[Sam Tallent]

Oh, that's good, because if you miss his ass, there's a bunch of holes.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah, that's true. Gets a nice sound action going. That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. How do you end up having sex in a hammock? Hammock.

[Rick Diaz]

I live in a hammock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live in a hammock?

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

What?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

We should lead with that.

[Rick Diaz]

I should have. Yeah, that's kind of boring but relaxing.

[Paul Diemer]

What do you mean? Where do you live in a hammock?

[Rick Diaz]

Into rainy streets. I probably shouldn't tell that. Yeah, I've been there a while.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Wait wait wait wait.

[Paul Diemer]

Where on Rainy Street? That's just.

[Rick Diaz]

Stop it. Well, I can't stay there now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you want him to describe the tree? Ari.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

There's two trees just on rain. Any street you set up a hammock.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

And you're out there.

[Trevor Mischo]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

I've heard of Elf on a Shelf, but Homo in a Hammock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. It's crazy because there was supposedly a serial killer murdering young men down.

[Rick Diaz]

I was hoping he would kill me for a while. That was sort of the point.

[Paul Diemer]

But he's like.

[Rick Diaz]

I was like, I'll hang out down there, take my chances, you know, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, whatever. Well, you've been on this show before, right?

[Rick Diaz]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. Interesting.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay, well, it's pretty good in the post.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Paul Diemer]

He's pretty good after the stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah, the stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari thinks so. Then here's a big joke book. There you go. He could catch it as well as Monkeypox at any given moment. All right, we're just flying through it tonight. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Trevor Misho, everybody. Trevor Misho. Here we go. Trevor Misho. Hello, everybody. How are we doing? Having a good time.

[Trevor Mischo]

So real quick, I want to jump right into it. I'm raised by a single mother. Anybody else?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, both is better.

[Trevor Mischo]

Relax. Having both parents is better. I wonder if anybody can just tell that I'm raised by a single mom. I sit when I pee, probably more than I should. And my car definitely hits curbs on the daily. My rims look like grand granite. At this point, I also love gossip. I don't know about you guys. When it's time to watch the football game at my friend's house, I find myself in the kitchen with the ladies. Also wondering why Heather got so fat. Not allowed in the garage anymore. A friend asked me for a 58 wrench, and I came out with 13 pieces of metal. I'm like, is this one of them? I'm not really a man, actually. And I'm not allowed in the garage anymore, which is fine. They call it a man cave in the Midwest. Yeah, it's ridiculous. Your wife gave you the shittiest piece of land in your property. Said go in there. You need heat to even exist there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank God

[Rick Diaz]

you.

[Trevor Mischo]

You'll never find me hanging out in a garage. Unless if I'm hanging out in a garage. Thanks so much. I'm Trevor Mischo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Mark Norman]

I can see why your dad left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Trevor Mischo]

My God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Trevor Micho.

[Sam Tallent]

That was tough because he doesn't look like a mutant like the rest of the people who bombed.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Trevor Mischo]

I dressed too nice to do so bad. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, what won't stop.

[Trevor Mischo]

I dressed too nice to dress so bad.

[Paul Diemer]

Fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're unlikable. Trevor, how old are you?

[Trevor Mischo]

26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[Trevor Mischo]

I work in warehouses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up?

[Trevor Mischo]

Like, two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Trevor Mischo]

In Phoenix. I started.

[Paul Diemer]

Where?

[Trevor Mischo]

In, like, you know what places? Phoenix. Like the clubs?

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah.

[Trevor Mischo]

Devil's Advocate. That outside bar cross from Tempe.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay.

[Trevor Mischo]

I would get up every once in a while at the house of Comedy on the triple threat shows. That was cool. I guess.

[Paul Diemer]

Nice.

[Trevor Mischo]

But when the pandemic. Yeah, nobody cares. When the pandemic hit, I just stopped. And rightfully so.

[Sam Tallent]

Dude, you don't have to do this.

[Trevor Mischo]

So I've been told.

[Trenton Tebow]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Like, you got a big, bright life ahead of you if you don't do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you think in the two and a half years that you've been doing it, would you say that that minute is your best minute? Or are you trying like a new minute or something like that?

[Trevor Mischo]

Oh, man, I don't know.

[Tony Cruz]

I.

[Trevor Mischo]

Do you want me to try another one?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you try. Why don't you just do your best joke? Your best, shortest.

[Paul Diemer]

Take a breath, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Two and a half years.

[William Montgomery]

The game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your absolute best joke.

[Sam Tallent]

Or you can do one of Mark's, too.

[Paul Diemer]

Think about it.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, no, don't do mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Trevor Mischo]

You guys big Googlers?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Mark Norman]

I love Google. Hell yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

You do Google? You do Google?

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, he likes Netanyahu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, instead of asking the Google thing, just go into your bet.

[Trevor Mischo]

Right. So I was on the Internet finding cool things because this is a great setup. And I came across the term heteropaternal superfecundation. Does anyone know what that is?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of questions.

[Trevor Mischo]

Say it. I'll say once again. A heteropaternal super fecundation. This is the miracle which, when a woman has sex with more than one man in a short enough period of time, she can become pregnant with twins fathered by both the men. And my question is, why such the long name when you could call her a whore?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Is the noise that the ox audience made. Don't know if that was audible to the podcast listeners. It was a hard ah. All right, so you can get like,

[Sam Tallent]

a degree in web design in, like, 18 months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said single mom. Is that true?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dad's nowhere in the picture.

[Trevor Mischo]

He is later, eventually rich. God, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Is your mom rich?

[Melissa Diaz]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Trevor Mischo]

I know, like I said, my girlfriend, I got a new girlfriend and she got me clothes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love how cool you think. You keep referencing these Clothes. I love how cool you think you look. It's pretty amazing.

[Sam Tallent]

You're just like a kid on his birthday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It is not that cool.

[Paul Diemer]

A casting director was like guy trying to be cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. So what is the coolest thing about you, Trevor?

[Trevor Mischo]

I'm from Wisconsin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Again,

[Mark Norman]

what's a lot of rap?

[William Montgomery]

Where?

[Paul Diemer]

Where in Wisconsin?

[Trevor Mischo]

Racine, Wisconsin.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay, I've never heard of that.

[Rick Diaz]

Very cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the least cool thing about you, Travis?

[Cam Patterson]

This.

[Trevor Mischo]

Right now for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else?

[Trevor Mischo]

Well, in maybe two weeks from now,

[Paul Diemer]

could you recognize your were bombing?

[Trevor Mischo]

Yeah, from the.

[Paul Diemer]

Okay, cool. That's nice.

[Sam Tallent]

It was crazy.

[Trevor Mischo]

I did like jumping jacks back there. It was the dumbest thing in the world to do. Self confidence is not real with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right. When do you feel confident

[Trevor Mischo]

within the realm of Wisconsin? Normally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like one of the kings of Wisconsin.

[Trevor Mischo]

If I'm around a lot of cows, I do of lot a. Okay. Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Enough about your girlfriend. Enough about your girlfriend. Okay? Anything else interesting about you or your life at all before?

[Sam Tallent]

Literally anything worthwhile to listen to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, buddy. Anything at all.

[Paul Diemer]

Tipping tip.

[Trevor Mischo]

Cow tipping. No, no, sir. I thought you meant tip ups. I thought you were a big ice fishing fan. That was my mistake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go back to the much broader question. Yeah. Before I throw this little joke book at you, anything interesting about your life at all?

[Trevor Mischo]

I went to Mark Ruffalo's grandma's funeral and he didn't go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, my friend. Congratulations. There he goes. Everybod. Trevor Meo.

[Mark Norman]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Looks like the hanging himself might come to a full prophecy here. Be careful what you manifest, ladies and gentlemen. Don't write things down if you don't want them to happen. Okay? I'm going to do something kind of fun right now. I was upstairs before the show. Sam said that he noticed a funny comedian was here. Adam, the talent coordinator here at the same time, walked by and said that I just saw a great guy. It's a hot tip because I busted his balls about. Who was it? Was it Heath or someone like that recently. And I said, they never tell me when anybody's good. I always send everybody to them. So this is the first time that I'm gonna get to see somebody that my friends have told me is funny. And he's from Estonia and isn't in town for long, so I've never literally seen him before, but funny. People have told me he's funny. We're gonna give him a shot. Make some noise for Ari, Matti. Everybody. Here we go. Ari. Matti making his Kill Tony debut. Estonia.

[Ari Matti]

Yes. Hello, America. Number one still, As the lovely Tony said, I am from Estonia. People always ask you stupid questions when you're from Estonia. The one I get the most is. Is it part of Russia?

[Sam Tallent]

Russia.

[Ari Matti]

And now for the past year, I've had to be like, we'll see. Whose side am I on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The winners.

[Ari Matti]

I mean, if Russia does decide to attack us next, I hope it's in the next two weeks because I am here. Estonia, I've never heard of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go, cowboys.

[Ari Matti]

I've been trying to get some pussy. It's very difficult. Cause I'm gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No,

[Ari Matti]

it's very difficult when you're an Eastern European, you know, because I don't have that confidence, you know, that personality. Every time I go into bar. I mean, especially here. I've been here for three days. Fucking impossible. Every dude here has a thing. They have a hat. I went to bars here. I'm just in the corner with my creepy Eastern European energy. Energy. I come up to you. I sound like a vampire, you know, I'm interested in. Thank you, America. Still number one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All right, Matty, Amazing. We let you go there because it was so fun.

[Sam Tallent]

Finally, a funny Ari on this show. How dare you?

[Mark Norman]

The Wisconsin guy just killed himself.

[Sam Tallent]

He hung himself with string cheese. Great work, Ari. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, welcome to the show. Fantastic performance. How long you been doing stand up?

[Ari Matti]

Nine years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. All of it obviously in Estonia.

[Ari Matti]

Most, yes.

[Paul Diemer]

Comedy though, right? Nobody knows that.

[Ari Matti]

Sorry.

[Paul Diemer]

Hop out of comedy.

[Ari Matti]

Sorry. What?

[Paul Diemer]

It's a hot bed of comedy.

[Ari Matti]

Hotbed of comedy.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[Paul Diemer]

I mean, like, every time in Edinburgh, they're like, everybody. There's a gigs in Estonia. You should go check it out.

[Ari Matti]

There are gigs in Estonia?

[Jonathan Cando]

You should.

[Paul Diemer]

Better than people know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ari Matti]

They're very funny.

[Sam Tallent]

Samuel did I did a man. It was great. Yeah. You should go.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah, I'd like to maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think Ari wants to share a hot bed with you. You know what I'm saying?

[Ari Matti]

Anything for visa, my friend. I don't give a about what I. All I give a about is what passport you have.

[Paul Diemer]

I'm with you, buddy. A tax break's a tax break.

[Ari Matti]

Gay, straight, I don't give a hell. Yeah, I'm okay, thank you very much. More of a vodka man myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, you are absolutely hilarious.

[Sam Tallent]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about your life. Like, how did you end up like this?

[Ari Matti]

What do you mean like this? You mean so handsome. Well, you see, Estonia was raped by Many nations. That's what happens. I mean, if you look at the uk, not so good. Baby blue eyes, the Vikings.

[Sam Tallent]

He doesn't need help.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's great. It is amazing. It is incredible what can happen if someone is funny on the show. It's like a whole different show. It's like fucking all the way through. Comedy show.

[Sam Tallent]

I did a show in Estonia, and they were buying me shots of vodka on stage. And they were from, like, regional. Different drinks from the region. And the third shot was a shot of Ukrainian van vodka. And I shot it, and then I said, wow, you can really taste the cowardice. Yeah. And then this guy in the front row was like, what do you mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Sam Tallent]

Ukraine is not coward. And then I had to do, like, 30 more minutes. It was tough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Ukrainian vodka, incredible. Amazing. So what is.

[Sam Tallent]

Thank you, Tony Saver there, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little something, but amazing. So let me ask you, what is different from Estonian comedians to American comedians? How's the culture different there?

[Ari Matti]

Bilingual, you know, multiple languages. We travel, you know, we know stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Intellectual people.

[Ari Matti]

Super.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Everybody in Estonia?

[Ari Matti]

No, me and three other guys. Number one comedian in Estonia out of four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is Estonia known for? What's it like famous for?

[Ari Matti]

Skype.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, yes. Use that little app with that much anymore? It was big for a while until FaceTime happened.

[Ari Matti]

No, Zoom took our.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's Zoom from?

[Mark Norman]

Dinah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

Hey, here's a question about Estonia. Where is, like, an underrated place to go?

[Sam Tallent]

Tartu.

[Ari Matti]

Yes, exactly.

[Paul Diemer]

What's going on there?

[Ari Matti]

Students.

[Sam Tallent]

All the middle schools are in Tartu.

[Ari Matti]

Great little university town. Very cute. Very lovely.

[Mark Norman]

Okay, Tara. Me too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody has a sauna.

[Ari Matti]

Everybody has a sauna. I had my SAA before I had my bed.

[Paul Diemer]

And.

[Ari Matti]

Yeah, everybody has a sauna.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Ari Matti]

And, dude, to Joe Rogan, that has boosted our economy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. I have a new one on the way right now.

[Ari Matti]

Al. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam Tallent]

Very.

[Ari Matti]

Get sweat. Sweaty with the boys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you get. Well, I mean, that's one way of putting it. Was planning on mostly doing it by myself, but I guess you just invited yourself over. You have a. Like, one that you control with your phone or do you do the wood burning? What's.

[Ari Matti]

Fuck the phone.

[Sam Tallent]

No, no.

[Ari Matti]

Traditional rocks. You throw water on them and it hurts, but you take it like a man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you heat the rocks? Electricity.

[Ari Matti]

I have an electrical one in my apartment. Apartment.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you have a what?

[Ari Matti]

An electrical one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Huh, huh. Okay.

[Ari Matti]

But the wooden one is the traditional one. Yeah. Where you can, like, burn alive, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how do you Heat the rocks on the traditional one.

[Ari Matti]

Like with you put wood under right, you see?

[Trenton Tebow]

And fire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Martin Phillips]

Got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. I was just making sure because I

[Paul Diemer]

kept asking the wood right in your face, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, dude. I just got roasted. Roasted in the. The sauna territory. I love it. And what is your love life like? Are you single?

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, it's very. It's tough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if you know this, but there's a guy that is single. He's on a hammock on Rainey Street. So while you're in town, feel free to just butt the out of him. Sorry. D. Madness. He's mad at me now.

[Sam Tallent]

No. You can be gay in this country still.

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah. You're allowed.

[Ari Matti]

I know. It's crazy. I mean, what.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? What a world.

[Paul Diemer]

Estonia has so many women. How do you decide which one to rape?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[Ari Matti]

Mr. Arisha here.

[Mark Norman]

Sorry. He's a Jew in Christmas. He's upset.

[Ari Matti]

Also, Estonia famously pro Nazis.

[Paul Diemer]

Oh, really?

[Ari Matti]

Killed the Jews before the Nazis even got there. We didn't want to stop off on the wrong foot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true?

[Ari Matti]

It is, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How did you kill them? You sad them.

[Paul Diemer]

Stay in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, stay in there. We're gonna just burn a little extra

[Paul Diemer]

wood in the door. Like you're not going anywhere.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love it. Well, it's fun to have anything you want to plug or anything like that. You're my visa, my K1. Absolutely.

[Ari Matti]

I watch 90 Day Fiance. I learn a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? You need to find a gay one for your K1.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe they'll use a little A1. Who knows?

[Sam Tallent]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So where can people find you or anything like that? Before you go, if you Google Estonian

[Ari Matti]

comedian, the only one that comes up.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Ari Mati, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much.

[Sam Tallent]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing performance.

[Ari Matti]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have a good night. Absolutely amazing. And like that, we've come to the finish line. There's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, the longest standing regular in the history of this show.

[Paul Diemer]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Coming off of taking a week off of shows right now, he's fresh. He is filled with bran bits. He has been hot. Very high fiber on that, this guy. Some people call him the Tijuana Tarantula. Others have called him the Memphis Strangler. Some.

[Sam Tallent]

You know what I call him?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Sam Tallent]

My favorite comic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh. Sam Talon's favorite comic. The Vanilla Gorilla. Ladies and gentlemen. The Bronx Bomber. The Harlem Globetrotter. The Detroit Dixie Tail. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery. Everybod. Man, I can't hear shit anymore.

[William Montgomery]

That is an out of work dynamite salesman. A masked man is leading the race to become president of Ghana. And it made me think. Think Hillary should have just worn a mask last week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you seen that bitch lately? She look at rough. Okay,

[William Montgomery]

remember that show, Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Yes. What was the fucking answer? That is an out of work dynamite salesman. Hunter Biden has been indicted in California because apparently he spent $872,000 on porn, hookers, and sex clubs. Hey, Red band. Any explanation for the 42,000 checks into your mom.

[Mark Norman]

Come on. You gonna take that? Give a sound effect.

[William Montgomery]

But seriously, what exactly is a sex club?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seems like it would be a lot

[William Montgomery]

easier to just use your f.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my time. Yeah. William Montgomery.

[Mark Norman]

That wasn't bad.

[Sam Tallent]

William, do you know that jacket's inside out, bro?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. It is.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I wore it on purpose like this tonight.

[Paul Diemer]

I was. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is inside out. Very interesting look. What made you do that?

[William Montgomery]

Just freezing cold outside. And it adds extra protection if the orange side is out. That's what the guy who sold it to me said. He's like, if it's on the. If the orange side is out, it gets. It stays warmer if the green part is. So that's what I'm doing to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am.

[Paul Diemer]

Can I answer your question?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Paul Diemer]

I didn't get the last joke about the fist.

[William Montgomery]

Just like a sex club. Like, you use it to, like, I don't know, put in some girl's or something, but you can just use your fist.

[Paul Diemer]

I got to know. My bad.

[William Montgomery]

No, no. All right.

[Paul Diemer]

No. I get to know I was wrong to. To knock at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. The great Trey Campbell was up here earlier looking a lot like you. You remember him?

[Trey Campbell]

He was.

[William Montgomery]

Yes. We were actually snorting Aderall out of my car before the show. And.

[D Madness]

Cool.

[William Montgomery]

He has a really bad fever right now. That's why he was so red.

[Nick Mummy]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, y' all are all probably sick up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was horrified. He is like he had cholera.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, he's sick as right now, but we were snorting the Adderall, so I'm sick as shit right now.

[Trey Campbell]

And

[Paul Diemer]

did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's your health been in real life?

[Sam Tallent]

It's been good.

[Paul Diemer]

I heard you have inoperable cancer.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I had a 50% chance of living and they took it off. I'm better now.

[Paul Diemer]

What was the other 50%?

[William Montgomery]

That I was gonna die a coward.

[Sam Tallent]

Rude.

[Mark Norman]

No.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. I don't know what the other 50%. They would never tell me. I was asking. I was like, what, to live or to die? I was like, what's the other 50%?

[Paul Diemer]

50% live, 50%. Who knows?

[William Montgomery]

Yes, that's what they gave me. So that's worse than death.

[Mark Norman]

Can you guys just touch beards and get it over with?

[William Montgomery]

I just kind of already. Last time you sucked my dick. I saw your dick earlier, dude. Holy. Ari, it's so nice to see you again. Yeah, can we.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, oh.

[Trey Campbell]

Can we put our beards together a little?

[Mark Norman]

And some homeless guy just got his own fentanyl.

[D Madness]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A real meeting of the minds here. Shafir and Montgomery.

[Sam Tallent]

William, do you have big Christmas Christmas plans? I know you guys love Christmas.

[William Montgomery]

Going back to Memphis. Well, tomorrow I have to fly to New York City and I'm gonna be there at 1pm I have to do this thing for Dr. Squatch. And I'll be honest, I'm wearing this orange tonight because I think my angle on the show I have to do is that I'm looking for Dr. Squatch and I'm killing Dr. Squatch.

[Sam Tallent]

And.

[William Montgomery]

No, actually, Tony, I don't know what my angle is going to be yet. So we're gonna figure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. You're doing a cor. Corporate gig for the Soap Doctor.

[William Montgomery]

For Dr. Squatch?

[Paul Diemer]

Yeah. Dr. Squatch.

[Mark Norman]

What does that mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, explain the situation.

[William Montgomery]

Well, it's weirdly enough, they asked me because it's the type of soap that caused my skin cancer. So they're gonna be in for a big surprise tomorrow night at this show.

[Mark Norman]

Wait a minute.

[William Montgomery]

I have pinpointed it to Dr. Squatch. I was using them several years before I started getting skin cancer. It's their fault. Dr. Squatch gave me skin cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So they're gonna be in for a really big surprise tomorrow night. Tony, wait. Corporate headquarters. A little fun fact, because sometimes the line between truth and fiction with William is very blurry. He literally. I happen to know for a fact because he mentioned it to me, you know, on the. On the backside of things in a green room or wherever it was. He goes, you know, hey, I wanted to get your advice on something. I got offered this huge corporate gig with Dr. Squatch and I asked him, I go, what are they paying you? And he goes, long story short, I'll just tell you guys. He goes higher, and I named another number. And he goes higher. And I named another number. He goes higher. So literally, you're watching him burn money in front of you right now. He's literally saying that the company that he has, that is paying him. I was just saying I'm going to

[William Montgomery]

be at their headquarters tomorrow in New York City.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, do you think.

[Martin Phillips]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It caused my cancer and I had

[William Montgomery]

a 50 chance of living, Ari. And I don't know what the.

[Jonathan Cando]

The.

[William Montgomery]

The other percent chance was that I was gonna go to Corporate of Dr. Squatch and lay down the law.

[Paul Diemer]

You should hold this episode back.

[Sam Tallent]

The cymbal crash was lighter on that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the band is hilarious. So is this something you're planning on doing at this corporate gig that Dr. Squatch is paying you for to say that it gave you skin cancer?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. I mean, this is a perfect opportunity

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that every single member of the Dr. Squatch corporate team in New York City.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, yeah, no, Tony, they're all gonna be there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I already know. Are you gambling on the fact that they're all Kill Tony fans and are like, oh, you don't know? That's William. He's wild.

[William Montgomery]

I'm gambling on the fact that they caused my skin cancer. I had a 50% chance at living on this earth with all y', all, but, yeah, no. So we'll see. Yeah, I'm pissed off. We're gonna see how it.

[Paul Diemer]

Tony, I'd hold this episode back by about three weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Paul Diemer]

I'd hold this back by about three weeks before you release it.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah. Cash the check tomorrow, Willie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah. Get it. Get it and cash it.

[William Montgomery]

I'm not even gonna try to get the check. I can't really go into details exactly what is going down in New York City tomorrow somewhere, but.

[Sam Tallent]

Hey, William, did you take the mystery box?

[William Montgomery]

I took the mystery box.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's your fiber intake going? We've heard a lot about your fiber lately. What's the name of the cereal that you eat? Record amounts of Kellogg's.

[William Montgomery]

All brand buds.

[Sam Tallent]

They.

[William Montgomery]

The boxes are $8 a box. I recently went to the grocery store. I was starving. It was like two in the morning. I've been starving recently at like two in the morning. I don't know if y' all ever just get so hungry at like 2 in the morning, but I was starving the other couple Tuesdays ago, and, man, I was just fucking walking around in there. Those boxes are like 7. 7 or $8. But I don't know if y' all have ever just been so starving at like, like 12. Like. Yeah, like 2am Tuesday night. You're just like, starving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Like, it seems like you were really

[Martin Phillips]

hungry in this place.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

It's like you go to a fucking

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grocery store and you can't even see the food.

[Sam Tallent]

You're like, where's the food?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz you're.

[William Montgomery]

Cuz you're starving, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long. How long before that was your most recent meal? It seems like you were very hungry.

[William Montgomery]

I'm on this new diet, Tony. It's called multiplicative something diet. It's basically where you go one day where you eat, one day where you donate, two days where you donate what? Two days where you eat. It goes up from there. You're getting up to, I don't know, a couple weeks where you're not eating. Then you're eating for a couple weeks. And during that couple weeks, you gotta really eat because you're gonna be starving.

[Mark Norman]

The Estonia guy must be so confused. This is what you guys do at comedy clubs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do I write jokes? Okay, William, interesting. And have you done any puzzles or anything? Anything to pass the time lately? You famously talked about a puzzle a couple weeks ago and then you posted a picture, you sent it to me at least of this puzzle that you described on the. Oh, thank you, Ari. Podcasting guru Ari Shaffir, everybody. Just a little. We've been drinking little favor from Ari. So what have you been doing to pass the time lately, William?

[Mark Norman]

Been doing puzzles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Another thousand pieces in the works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm about to describe this puzzle for us.

[William Montgomery]

So it's sort of. It's like a sand castle, Tony. And it's a funny puzzle where half of the. Half of the sand castle, half of the puzzle is in the daytime, half of the puzzles in the nighttime. Tony. So there's like scenes where the moon is glistening on the sand castle and there's freaking.

[Mark Norman]

Keep going.

[William Montgomery]

There's sand castles everywhere. There's. There's sand castles everywhere. It's glistening in. And it's like half of the. Half of it's night, half of it's daytime. People don't even know if there's sand traps or there's all kinds of sand, Tony. And then there's also Matt R. One handed. There's a bunch of. There's boogie borders. There's a bunch of boogie borders out in the ocean.

[Sam Tallent]

Oh, you found it.

[Mark Norman]

It's a decent.

[Sam Tallent]

It's going to be four more weeks of spring.

[William Montgomery]

Sam. I have a really long torso, so

[Sam Tallent]

it's not what y' all doing,

[William Montgomery]

but yeah, no, it. I think the thing I like most about this puzzle, half is daytime, half is nighttime. There's a little cabana off to one of the sides. And the night time part, there's A cabana and there's drinks and all kinds of stuff just glistening in the cabana. So it's been hard finding all the drinks and.

[Mark Norman]

Oh, man.

[William Montgomery]

Finding all the snacks and.

[Mark Norman]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else? William, before we let you go, that

[Mark Norman]

was like a Sam Harris butt. Yeah. What? Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What just happened right there? I didn't.

[William Montgomery]

I was horrified, literally trying to think about the puzzle, but Ari, I couldn't.

[Mark Norman]

You got groped.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill Tony. The pro molestation podcast.

[Sam Tallent]

How the Grinch stole your dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wild. It's like, isn't it interesting? If he was gay, that would have been like worse. That would have been like a sexual assault.

[Sam Tallent]

Yeah, but this was just a good old fashioned horseplay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Really was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was just tomorrow.

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit of that locker room jive. You know what I'm saying? A little bit of that.

[William Montgomery]

I'm just gonna be thinking about the to that tomorrow night at the headquarters of Dr. Squatch when I'm. I swear I'm gonna be so fast in that place, I'm gonna be moving swiftly and. Yeah, I mean, everybody's in there.

[Sam Tallent]

It's feel like your roller quarters is about to get some head, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make sure you eat before you get on that plane tomorrow because you might end up being absolutely Antoni. I ain't ever going to start eating.

[William Montgomery]

I'm on the part of the diet

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

plan where I'm not set up for starving. But yes, you went with the other branding thing there. It's really starving. Yeah, the starving thing was really working for you. I figured I'd feed it to you. I tried to feed you a line since you were so hungry.

[William Montgomery]

Hey, I was starving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William. Lights out Montgomery. Ladies, gentlemen, the legend of the show.

[Mark Norman]

We did it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Connect mobile health.com use the promo code. Kill 15. Get a IV drip. Ninja party bus.com with shuttles going to the arenas on December 30th and 31st. Killmerch.com the drawing from Ryan J E belt is in gel blaster red rose yellow rose hall law firm. Sam Talon's new special makes him a noise for Sam Talon. I tried to warn you people. The toads morale out December 26th on Matt and Shane's secret podcast YouTube channel. Mark Norman. Thanks so much for the great Mark Norman. Plug something. Mark, say something.

[Mark Norman]

Hey, hey. Mark Norman comedy.com go to special YouTube netflix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our dear big brother, brother and dark lord Ari Shafir has graced us. Ari, give it to him.

[Trevor Mischo]

Thank you.

[Paul Diemer]

I'd like to promote that Danny Brown and Billy Strange should do a duet together.

[Mark Norman]

Pro Hamas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. From the river to the sea? How about one more time for the best stand band in the land. Matt Muling on the electric. John Dees on the keys, the Madness on the bass guitar, Paul Die on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The drawing from your local artist, Chris Rogers is in. It's a new William Montgomery. These are available for sale in the lobby with some brand new exclusive Kill Tony merchandise. Our red band.

[Brian Redban]

Check out the Sunset Strip. Sunsetstripatx.com Merry Christmas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Merry Christmas, y'. All. 2, 3, 4.