#643 - THE REGULARS

Summary

KILL TONY #643 - THE REGULARS
Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
January 2, 2024

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony is branded "The Great Bucket Bonanza," focusing exclusively on the show's core "bucket" format: pulling random comedians from a bucket to perform one-minute sets, followed by immediate feedback and interviews from the hosts and the panel of regulars. Unlike episodes that feature visiting guest comedians, this one keeps the spotlight on the three beloved regulars—William Montgomery, Cam Patterson, and Hans Kim—who act as co-panelists and provide running commentary, roasts, and advice.

As always, host Tony Hinchcliffe and co-host Brian Redban orchestrate the wild ride, ensuring a fast-paced evening full of unscripted moments and audience engagement. The goal? Set a record for the number of bucket comics in a single night, showcase fresh talent, and remind everyone why the "anything can happen" energy is at the heart of Kill Tony.

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Key Participants

• Tony Hinchcliffe (Host)
• Brian Redban (Co-host)
• William Montgomery, Cam Patterson, Hans Kim (Kill Tony Regulars / Panelists)
• Various bucket-pulled comedians, including notable appearances from Genevieve, Tony Cruz, Zach Black, and surprise guest Casey Rocket

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Main Themes & Discussion Points

1. "The Great Bucket Bonanza" Episode Format

• Focus shifts from headlining guests to a rapid-fire showcase of bucket comedians.
• The regulars stay onstage as a panel, providing continuous jokes, roasts, and feedback.
  • Tony Hinchcliffe (04:26): "They all came from the bucket. Now they are superstars..."
• Regulars’ tenure celebrated:
  • William Montgomery: 5 years ("I was thinking I'd make it six months... now it's five years." [07:23])
  • Cam Patterson: 6 months
  • Hans Kim: 2.5 years

2. Bucket Comedians: Sets & Roasts

• Surge of new and returning faces, each delivering a minute of stand-up.
• Interview segments blend genuine curiosity with relentless ribbing—often more memorable than the sets.
• Multiple comedians are asked to "name their top five Black friends," a recurring bit through the show, satirizing false claims of authenticity and inclusion.

3. Notable Sets and Memorable Interviews

Below are highlights of key sets and follow-up interviews.

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Memorable Moments, Jokes & Quotes

(Timestamps included, MM:SS)

Regulars & Panel Banter

• On Regulars’ Rise:
  • Tony Hinchcliffe (04:47): “They all came from the bucket. Now they are superstars, international travelers…"
  • William Montgomery (07:26): “Redban and I hate one another more than ever before. I can't even look at his stupid fucking fat ass.”

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Genevieve (08:54)

Set Topics: Queerness, being gay in Texas, Nigeria wordplay.

• Standout Joke:

  • “Texas, where you can be gay but don’t be gay about it.”
  • “Isn’t it obvious that white people named it Nigeria? … I think they walked up in there and was like, 'It’s a bunch of n—s in here...'” (09:14)

• Post-Set Interview:

  • William Montgomery (11:11): “Yeah Genevieve, I loved your set, but that’s actually my Nigeria joke.”
  • Cam Patterson (11:43): “Jennifer, you my cousin.”

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Tony Cruz (12:22)

Set Topics: Movie universes merging, butt plug mishap, lack of a job.

• Host reaction:
  • Tony Hinchcliffe (13:48): “He got some laughs. I didn’t think anything was funny at all. But this is a very generous audience…”
  • Tries to recount a crazy, revealing life story; admits to having someone "shit on him during sex" (19:22), which leads to panel discussion about embarrassing sexual stories.

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Zach Black (20:43)

Set Topics: Dating older women.

• Reveals set was fictional except his fondness for older women; real oldest woman dated was via Facebook.
• Panel dissects why he’s attracted to older women—comic speculation about mother issues and preference for “dry vs. wet vaginas.”
  • Zach Black (26:33): “Absolutely not. Who would prefer a dry one?”
  • William Montgomery (27:34): “Did you just try me right now, you piece of shit?”

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Michael Hines (29:41)

Set Topics: War in Gaza, Greta Thunberg, family drama

• Claims mother threatened to bar him from Christmas for his stand-up material (32:05).
• Shares backstory of father’s arrest and police raid when he was a child—admits he was “swatted” for “telemarketing” (36:49).
  • Panel parses the semantics of “swatted.”

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Cole Kasui (“Castle”) (39:16)

Set Topics: Looks like “a more lesbian Ellen DeGeneres,” dating Latina women, and online dating pet peeves.

• Interview:
  • Tony and panel ridicule the “short L” in his name, question his upper-middle-class roots.
  • Cole can’t describe his dad’s job (“He gets investors for companies that need money” [42:09]).
  • Recaps bombed dating-app experience in Austin.

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Cheyenne Beerins (51:15)

Set Topics: Sucking off a guy in a wheelchair, abortion jokes, miscarriage while on mushrooms.

• Brutally honest about how dating a man in a wheelchair “was too much” (57:13).
• Opens up on miscarriage while on mushrooms and meeting partner in a mental hospital (60:54).
• Memorable banter:
  • Tony Hinchcliffe: “You almost had a little baby boba.” (60:13)
  • Cheyenne: “I did use to work at a boba tea shop, so that would have been fitting.” (60:17)

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Michael Ridley (64:27)

Set Topics: Interracial marriage, being Filipino, having a "Mexican middle schooler's mustache,” failed System of a Down impression.

• Tony: “That was literally the worst System of a Down impression…” (69:56)

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Casey Rocket [Special Closing Set] (120:21)

• A whirlwind of absurdist, high-energy non-sequiturs and act-outs, including bits about Oxycontin, California sobriety, the Lorax saying the N-word, and Ambien-fueled car donations to 1-877 Cars for Kids.
  • “I gotta get out of here. At midnight I turn back into Kirsten Dunst, so just gotta keep moving.” (120:28)
  • “A lot of people talk about being California sober. Me, I’m Biloxi, Mississippi sober.” (121:08)
  • Finishes with a physical gag called “the Dutchman’s key,” hiding a key in his mouth for part of a set.
  • Receives glowing praise from Tony and regulars for his originality and ability to “shake a room.” (126:34)

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Recurring Bits & Running Jokes

• Name 5 Black Friends Challenge:
  Multiple comedians are challenged to name five Black friends by first name, with most failing hilariously and switching to generic or obviously fake names, which leads to laughter and ribbing from Tony and the regulars, especially Cam Patterson.

• Regulars Give “Advice” on Closing with Women:
  Owen Galavan receives a round-robin of dating advice, from Hans’s accent/demeanor tips to William Montgomery’s elaborate grocery store abduction algorithm.

• William Montgomery’s “Mean” Mood:
  Repeatedly comments on being “in a rotten mood” over fiber withdrawal, playfully berates comics, and promotes his own podcast.

• Panel's Therapy on Bombing Sets:
  Throughout, panel alternates between encouragement and roast, with Tony often demoralizing but ultimately supportive:

  • “I'm pretty sure everybody’s bombed so far tonight. This is exciting. It’s one of those nights. I like it like this.” (50:48)

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Segment Timestamps

• Opening, Announcements & Regulars Panel Intro: 00:00–08:00
• Genevieve: 08:54–12:12
• Tony Cruz: 12:22–20:25
• Zach Black: 20:43–29:03
• Michael Hines: 29:41–38:50
• Cole Kasui: 39:16–50:30
• Cheyenne Beerins: 51:15–63:55
• Michael Ridley: 64:27–69:43
• (Plus more bucket comics, rapid-fire, to the end of the show)
• Casey Rocket’s Closing Set: 120:21–133:05
• Wrap-up and Plugs: 133:05–end

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Notable Quotes

• Tony Hinchcliffe (13:59): "It appears as though, if you leave a gap for laughter, this audience will give you some respect."
• Cam Patterson (77:54): "[To Owen Galavan] You gotta look at the bitch on her soul. You know what I'm saying? How you doing, white lady? You good? You wanna rock?"
• William Montgomery (78:37): "You crush up the pill, you blow the powder in your—so you’re gonna have to act like you’re sneezing at the woman... and then... you can get her ass in the trunk. Whatever you’re feeling."
• Tony Hinchcliffe (132:17): "There’s something about somebody secretly keeping a key in their mouth for an inordinate amount of time and then pretending like they’re choking it up from the inside. That really cracks me up."
• Hans Kim (132:27): "You think that’s impressive, you should see what Tony hides in his booty hole."

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Episode Tone and Atmosphere

• High-energy, chaotic, and unfiltered.
• Roasting is relentless—bombed sets are called out; jokes that don’t land become fodder for panel and audience.
• Regulars’ chemistry takes center stage; much of the funniest content happens in-between sets, as the group riffs, tells stories, and gives tongue-in-cheek “advice”.
• The closing appearance by Casey Rocket stands out as inspired, wild, and entirely in the Kill Tony tradition of celebrating oddball originality.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is classic Kill Tony: unpredictable, often savage but supportive, and a genuine showcase of both comedic talent and the value of finding humor in the moment, especially when things go sideways. The involvement of the regulars as a full-time panel makes for a flowing, joke-dense atmosphere, offering both guidance and harsh truths to up-and-comers.

Fans of the show will particularly enjoy the recurring bits, the bucket comic interviews, and the finale with Casey Rocket, whose surreal style elicits effusive praise from both the crew and the crowd.

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Further Listening

• Episode Recommendation: If you enjoyed the panel-focused format and the full-episode showcase of bucket comics, revisit other “bonanza” or anniversary Kill Tony shows, which often feature similar unpredictability and expanded roles for the regulars.

Transcript

[Red Band]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam.

[Sam]

Hey, this is Fredbear coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in

[Red Band]

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Sam]

Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives or what?

[Sam]

Yippee. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've been doing this a long time, him and I.

[Sam]

You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, yellow rose, ninja buses.com, hall Law Firm, Austin Security guard Service and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip at any time that you want. Use the code kill15 to save 15% full recovery. It's unbelievable. If you're not getting IV drips, you're stupid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can drink, you can do whatever

[Sam]

you want, you can travel, you can do anything and feel like a million bucks all the time. It's an unbelievable deal. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strike Comedy club in Austin,

[William Montgomery]

Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Red Band]

Did you just miss our two huge Kill Tony New Year's Eve shows? Man, you missed out. But no worry if you want to check us out in our first arena show live from the HEB center in Austin, Texas. You have one more week to go to killtonylive.com and purchase it. We have two shows, the two biggest shows we've ever done available for one more week at killtonylive.com

[Sam]

you guys ready to start tonight's episode, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys gotta do better than that. Are you guys ready to have the best fucking time? I'll ask again. How many of you are die hard fans of this show, huh?

[Sam]

Well, I book this show every single week. You know, I feel like a lot of the interviews with our regulars have gone long lately and not enough attention has been given to the bucket. So tonight I would like to announce that for the first time ever, or at least the first time In a long time, you have arrived at an episode that shall be known as the great Bucket bonanza.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what that means is that your guests tonight will not be performing. They will be with us all night. They are indeed the backbone of the show. My three favorite top young rising comedians in the world. It is indeed William Montgomery, Cam Patterson and Hans Kim. Wow. Oh, my God. You know them, you love them. You watch them every fucking week, and now they are here right in front of you for the entire episode. They all came from the bucket.

[Sam]

Now they are superstars, international travelers. William Montgomery coming off of seven sold out shows in Chicago this weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson and Hans Kim coming off

[Sam]

of two massive sold out 3000 plus seat theaters in Florida with me and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band coming off a week. And he has a new face massager thingy that massages his face.

[Zach Black]

It's great.

[Sam]

Gives off warm goggles. Oh, yeah, I haven't pre pooled at all yet. And we have to go all the way across the street tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, okay.

[Sam]

I should have thought of that one. Oh, that's exciting. Here, you know what? Grab two of them. Fuck it. All right, let's get them over. Oh, that's inside. I saw that. Wait, bring it back. Let's do that one. Yeah, that's inside. This girl is a. How about one more time for our guests, though, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans, Tim, Pam, Patterson, get Genevieve. Go grab Genevieve. Somebody. Christy, get Genevieve.

[Sam]

How you doing, William?

[William Montgomery]

I'm doing good. There was actually where I was this past weekend, a woman walked into a walk in freezer a couple years ago at the hotel and froze to death in the walk in freezer. And they actually, weirdly enough, they had a walk in freezer experience while I

was at the hotel. It was $1,500.

They lock you in the walk in freezer. I was in there eight hours.

[Sam]

It was hell. Yeah. You paid the money for it? 1500. That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great Cam Patterson is here, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, truly, truly.

[Sam]

If you guys saw what this kid is doing in theaters, not letting the audience breathe at all. The only the last one to go up before me. Always gang shit, gang shit. Big time.

[Cam Patterson]

Real vibe.

[Sam]

You had some family members at the shows in Florida. Would you like to tell the audience how many of your family members you invited backstage at these massive theaters in Jacksonville?

[Cam Patterson]

57. 57. I knew six of them. I knew six of them. I was just grabbing black people off the street and telling them, let's have a good time. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He knew six of them.

[Sam]

Meanwhile, 53 of them were introduced to me as cousins. And the great Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

[Hans Kim]

Hello.

[Sam]

How's it going, Hans?

[Hans Kim]

It was great to be on tour with you, Tony, and meet all of Cam's cousins. I lost my wallet seven times on the tour.

[Sam]

That's right.

[Hans Kim]

I'm just kidding.

[Sam]

That's right. Those air tags come in handy out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just hot walking around

[Sam]

and a little fun. Fact is, William Montgomery is celebrating tonight

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

his five year anniversary of being a member of the show here on Kiltoni. The only current living member of the Kiltoni hall of Fame.

[William Montgomery]

It's been five. It's somehow been five years.

I remember right when I started doing it, I was thinking, I'll be able to make it six months. And now it's five years. Red Band. And I hate one another more than ever before.

I can't even look at his stupid fucking fat ass. You look fat as fuck up in the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Alright, you be nice to Red band. He's a sweet boy.

[Sam]

How could you ever be mean to Red band? We don't do that. Speaking of six months exactly six months for Cam Patterson and two and a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

half years for Hans Kim. So you're looking at fucking freshman, sophomore, senior over here.

[Sam]

Let's jump right into it. You guys know how the show works. We are going to try to set a record for bucket pools here tonight with the regulars here. So we're gonna meet a bunch of brand new innocent souls and we're gonna see if we're gonna let them keep their souls or if I take them and they get 60 seconds to perform uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just cuts them off. Then I lead them in an interview, we find out more about them. The entire show is improvised. Fucking anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's jump right into it. I pull the name from the inside

[Sam]

while they grab the person from the bar across the street. Make some noise for her. You know her, she has been on the show multiple times. I actually had her open up for me in Detroit at the start of this tour. And she's fantastic. She's an employee here. Everybody loves her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a brand new minute from the great Genevieve, everybody. Genevieve.

[Genevieve]

Now that I smoke and I reflect back on my childhood, I do see some hints of queerness. Like for instance, you ever Been in between showers like, you don't stank, but you ain't fresh, and you get a whiff of yourself, your first thought shouldn't be, mm, I eat it. I like being a little gay in Texas. It's fun as fuck Texas, where you can be gay but don't be gay about it. Isn't it obvious that white people named it Nigeria? But I don't think they pronounced it like that. I think they walked up in there and was like, it's a bunch of niggas in here. It's a nigger in this bitch.

[Sam]

He everywhere.

[Genevieve]

Hey, I'm Genevieve. Thank y' all so much.

[Sam]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

57 seconds.

[Sam]

Brand new, never heard before by the great Genevieve. Welcome back to the show, Genevieve.

[Genevieve]

Thank y' all for having me.

[Joseph Filey]

Good to you.

[Genevieve]

See?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, all y'.

[Zach Black]

All.

[Sam]

I love it. You look extra happy today. Look at you.

[Genevieve]

Oh, you know, bucket pools do that to you.

[Sam]

Absolutely. I love it. H. It's all happening. What, are you working tonight? You're on.

[Genevieve]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the. I'm the yonder, as Cam would say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay, now. Hell, yeah.

[Sam]

Absolutely.

[Genevieve]

K violence.

[Sam]

Do we have any suspicious Apple watches or.

[Genevieve]

Oh, yeah, I'm checking for all y'.

[Michael Hines]

All.

[Sam]

Hell, yeah. That's right.

[Genevieve]

Locked it up tonight, baby.

[Sam]

How's it going in life, Genevieve?

[Genevieve]

It's going great, man. Great. Bonsai repaired my Joe Rogan fanny pack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Genevieve]

Oh, what happened to the store? I'm back to holding philanthropy.

[Sam]

How did it break?

[Genevieve]

Oh, you know, just being too rough with it. You know what I'm saying? I had channeled the Rogan spirit, and

[Sam]

I was like, you know, okay, all right. I've never seen Rogan do that before, but I love it. Okay, what else is going on?

[Genevieve]

Hell, yeah. Just being here, doing shows around town, getting love all over the city. Fucking love Austin, man. It's been a great time.

[Sam]

I love it, guys. You guys know Genevieve. What'd you think of the minute?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, Genevieve, I loved your set, but that's actually my Nigeria joke I've sold.

I've said that one a bunch. I think, you know that's my joke, so. Yeah, I was a little horrified when I heard it come out of your mouth.

[Genevieve]

Yeah, why would it? White people on Niger, But I feel like that's too on the nose, you

[Sam]

know what I mean? Right? And we know how we feel about those kinds of noses.

[Genevieve]

Big, natural noses.

[Sam]

Cam, you have 56 cousins. What'd you think of this performance?

[Cam Patterson]

Jennifer, you my cousin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had a feeling. I thought I saw one of her backstage from Jacksonville.

[Genevieve]

Gang violence.

[Cam Patterson]

Gang violence.

[Sam]

Absolutely, man. That was hard, man.

[Hans Kim]

Hans Kim, I love that Nigeria joke. You know, Nigeria is what it looked like backstage at the theaters. Thank you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Genevieve.

[Sam]

We love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another great new minute. You've been on the show many times. You did it again, Genevieve. Everybody. We're gonna fly through them tonight, folks. We're gonna meet some innocent people.

[Sam]

This name kind of looks familiar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see what happens here. New minute from Tony Cruz, everybody. Here comes Tony Cruz right out of the bucket.

[Sam]

Here we go.

[Tony Cruz]

How's everybody doing? Have y' all heard the good news? Fast and Furious and Marvel Universe agreed to merge in their next film. Yeah. Vin Diesel will be transitioning to a female role as America chavez. It's pretty 2023, isn't it? Dwayne the Rock Johnson will be recasted to play her bitch. And Ghost Rider will be played by Paul Walker. The legacy continues, guys. It's a role he's been dying to play. I used the butt plug recently. It didn't work. I still shit my pants. Yeah, I didn't realize butt plugs are used for sexual pleasure till I stuck one up my ass. Yeah, my eyes are open. Especially my brown eye. Guys, I just want to say this. Y' all are all beautiful. Everybody in here is beautiful. You're all so beautiful. When you go home tonight, you should all go fuck yourselves. My name is Tony Cruz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Tony Cruz. He got some laughs. I didn't think anything was funny at all. But this is a very generous audience, I think, is what we're figuring out. They're giving laughs on what appears to be cadence alone.

[Sam]

It appears as though, if you leave

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a gap for laughter, this audience will

[Sam]

give you some respect. Welcome back, Tony. You were on last week.

[Tony Cruz]

Yes, sir.

[Sam]

Very lucky man. Look at you. Amazing. How does it feel?

[Tony Cruz]

Feels good, man. I love it. Have fun.

[Sam]

It's amazing how luck goes to people that don't have much talent often.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Sam]

Like, the universe has a weird way

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of balancing it out.

[Sam]

Like, hey, let's give this guy another opportunity with half jokes. It's great, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look fantastic.

[Joseph Filey]

Thank you, sir.

[Tony Cruz]

I appreciate it.

[Sam]

You said you look like a homeless Mario. Like you got into a horrible cart accident and just things went downhill from there. What made you dress like that to today?

[Tony Cruz]

I mean, I don't know, man. I figured I was going to be on Kill Tony, so why not?

[Sam]

Why do I feel like you're not wearing any underwear underneath that?

[Tony Cruz]

That's his curiosity Guys, I'm just saying I can show you if you want.

[Cam Patterson]

No, that was gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

No, show us, show us.

[Sam]

I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William wants to see your toad stool there.

[Sam]

Tony, remind us, what do you do for a living?

[Tony Cruz]

I don't have a job. No, sir.

[Sam]

You don't have a job. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

comedy. We're gonna do it.

[Sam]

Let's do it.

[Tony Cruz]

Just trying to do comedy.

[Sam]

Can you jump? Do you know how to jump?

[Tony Cruz]

I do, yeah.

[Sam]

Let's see that. Can you. Can you squat down all at one speed like you're going down a sewer pipe?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's not that long. Do it again, do it again.

[Sam]

Nice and slow. Nice and slow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why'd you turn it down?

[Sam]

Can you super jump for us? Come on, try it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't overthink it. Okay, yeah. Put the mic away.

[Sam]

Sure. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That's what we did before.

[Sam]

Can you shoot an imaginary fireball out of your hands like that? Stop putting the mic away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's this one red band.

[Sam]

There's one called fireball. Do it again, do it again, do it again. Okay, let's try it to do it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

at the same fucking time. Ready, set, go. Okay, good enough. I like that. I like that.

[Sam]

Okay, can you do a small jump? Let's keep playing Mario games here. Small jump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why is it all the same? Oh, okay, I see there is a difference. Wow.

[Sam]

Interesting. You know how Mario sometimes, like, powers up like that? Can you do that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I think he just pooped his pants on that one.

[Sam]

Everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is absolutely incredible.

[Sam]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Sam]

What's that? Oh, okay. You're just moving the cord.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you were doing it.

[Sam]

It's amazing how that activated that like that. What's your favorite video game character of all time, Mario?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me?

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Tony Cruz]

On Grand Theft Auto.

[Sam]

Grand Theft Auto.

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tony Cruz]

I play as myself.

[Sam]

Oh, yeah, it's you. You're the one that lives at the top in the desert, right?

[Tony Cruz]

My character wears overalls and everything, so. Yeah.

[Sam]

Okay, guys, what do you think about this piece of absolute trash?

[William Montgomery]

I. I am just loving the Carhartt.

[Joseph Filey]

Thank you.

[Tony Cruz]

Dude.

[Sam]

I can see from here he's Carhartt as a rock right now. Hey. Hello. I do believe I just.

[Cam Patterson]

Hello.

[Sam]

Whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello. I flagpoled that one. That's right.

[Sam]

Bowser Falls. All right. Cam Patterson, Ain't you the one that

[Cam Patterson]

was bought at the top? You bought at the top, right?

[Tony Cruz]

Oh, I'm the boss.

[Cam Patterson]

No, take your head over.

[Sam]

Let's see here.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no, my.

[Sam]

Wrong.

[Cam Patterson]

The wrong guy.

[Sam]

Hans Kim, you invented the game Mario for Nintendo.

[Hans Kim]

Yes. It's good to see my intellectual property come to life.

[Cole Kasui]

This is.

[Hans Kim]

It's like the Barbie movie for me.

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah, man. Yeah, sure.

[Hans Kim]

I like that you're trying to be really chill and even tempered and not go up or down too much. It's an interesting strategy.

[Sam]

I mean, comedy.

[Tony Cruz]

You get what you can get, man.

[Sam]

It is. So here we are. We are not going to spend a lot more time with you. You were on last week. Tell us something that we didn't find out about you last week that's crazy about you or something that you've accomplished or done or a crime or something you've gotten away with or anything at immediately interesting. Give us something compelling here.

[Tony Cruz]

I dropped out of school. Got my ged.

[Sam]

No, no, no. We want you to tell us something that we don't know. Perhaps you don't understand the question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something that we wouldn't have guessed about you.

[Sam]

Something that would surprise us.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Joseph Filey]

Yeah.

[Tony Cruz]

I don't know, Tony. I do a lot of things. I enjoy comedy. I enjoy talking to people, networking. It's fun. I'm having fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Chase Tucker]

Yeah.

[Sam]

How about in your life, your entire life, you have to use here maybe perhaps an embarrassing sexual experience. Perhaps you have a special skill or talent. Really, Anything at all.

[Tony Cruz]

I've had somebody shit on me during sex.

[Sam]

Oh, okay. Was it on purpose or was it an accident?

[Tony Cruz]

It was an accident.

[Sam]

Okay. And what position was he or she in?

[Tony Cruz]

She was in missionary and it was weird.

[Sam]

Well, how'd she poop on you?

[Tony Cruz]

We were performing analysis and we didn't. You have to prepare for that.

[Sam]

Right? Right. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Missionary, anal.

[Sam]

Missionary, anal position. That is risky business. Yeah, it is.

[William Montgomery]

That's why you have to eat your Kellogg's All Brand Buds before anal.

[Sam]

That is true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you have to make sure you have dude wipes right next to the bed.

[Sam]

Right next to keep your dude wipes handy. Why do I feel like you've pooped the bed in missionary position as well?

[Tony Cruz]

I have poop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You farted.

[Tony Cruz]

I've myself before. Yeah, for sure. Absolutely.

[Sam]

100%.

[Tony Cruz]

I love taco Bell, man. I'm a Taco Bell guy.

[Sam]

The overalls are an interesting choice for a guy that poops himself a lot because you have to take off your top.

[Tony Cruz]

The good thing about these, they conceal the smell. So you wouldn't know until I take them off.

[Sam]

Until it falls out of the pant leg immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there he goes. Tony Cruz, everybody. Two weeks in a row of Tony Cruz proving that anything can happen. Make some noise for Your next bucket pool. Zach Black, everybody. We're flying through him tonight.

[Sam]

Flying through it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Zach Black.

[Zach Black]

So everybody knows that I like older women. And I just went on a date with a 65 year old woman. I'll admit maybe I went a little too far with that one. But then she asked me if I ever had a threesome with a mother and daughter. Like, now we're talking, right? So she takes me back to her place, introduces me to her mother. I had never been with a woman that old. I'm gonna be honest. I ran out of there, straight to my car, got my video camera, went back in. It's on pornhub if y' all want to check it out. And I'm actually seeing that mother later tonight. Yeah, I'm trying to get in that will. I'm gonna try to fuck her to death. And you'll know if I do too. Cause next Monday I'll be pulling up in an 83 Buick. The pocket full of hard candy and ashes. I hope I can do it too. Cause I really like her car. Reminds me of her. That leather interior.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right. Zach Black.

[Sam]

So the whole gist is you an old lady. Yeah. And you go. I just went on and on about it.

[Joseph Filey]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Again, a very generous audience.

[Sam]

I was listening to the laughter, thinking maybe I missed something. But again, I think they're really excited to be here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're letting everybody kind of glide by with mediocrity.

[Red Band]

Four o'.

[William Montgomery]

Clock.

[Sam]

It is an early show. It's an early taping tonight. A lot of energy on the audience still. So what really happened? Tell us the truth. What really happened that night? Where'd you meet this old bag of bones?

[Zach Black]

She. She DM me on Facebook.

[Sam]

Ooh, See, that should be part of the thing.

[Zach Black]

It should.

[Sam]

Yeah, I think so. You could tell it's an old lady because she DM'd you on Facebook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be the most original part

[Sam]

of your entire 60 seconds. If that was a part of your 60 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Testing that her skin is leather like,

[Sam]

would be a joke from perhaps the 30s or 40s. Whereas saying that she DMed you on Facebook would be a 2023 joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you see the difference? One was, one had wooden wheels at the time.

[Sam]

The other is a 2023. Yeah, okie dokie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just keep plowing forward here, zach.

[Sam]

So she DMed you on Facebook and then what happened?

[Zach Black]

Well, I'm gonna be honest, it's all made up. I do like older women, but that, the whole 65.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The mother, you know, I'm gonna be honest.

[Sam]

I was asking because I knew you weren't being honest. Yeah, I could tell throughout.

[Zach Black]

You ever been with an older woman?

[Sam]

I have.

[Zach Black]

What's the oldest?

[Sam]

It was old as it was at a Tony Clifton. It was literally at a Tony Clifton show at the Comedy Store. I think it was 2009. I had never been with an older

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

woman before, and I knocked it out all at once in one night.

[Sam]

One woman so old that I shall never go back towards anywhere near that direction. Anywhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

50 years that close to that age of one.

[Zach Black]

Kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't that bad. But I do believe she Andy Kaufman before.

[Sam]

So that should give you a. That should give you some range of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what we're talking about here.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was the thing that attracted me to her. I was 24 and didn't give a back then.

[Cam Patterson]

Who is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's nobody anybody knows. Okay. Mother Teresa or anything like that.

[Cam Patterson]

The old. The old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You talking about the old N word?

[Sam]

Oh, yeah. You don't know who Andy Kaufman is? It's an old comedian.

[Owen Galavan]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I like it. He's funny. Here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He died the year. He died the year I was born, which should tell you something.

[Sam]

Anyway. But it's good that you're asking me about my things so that it's a more compelling, interesting story, even though I'm giving no real information away about it at all and didn't prepare anything. But let's go back to your dishonest 60 seconds. What made you make up the fact that you slept with an older woman?

[Zach Black]

Well, I generally do go for the older women, so I just exaggerated it a little bit.

[Sam]

I mean, but when you say you generally go for older women, is that who you. You hook up with the most?

[Zach Black]

Yeah, probably. Definitely.

[Sam]

So, like, what's something. The last time you hooked up with a real older woman, how did that go down in real life? You don't have to make it funny.

[Zach Black]

We dated for six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not supposed to date an older woman.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're supposed to them Zach who's going falling in love with some.

[Sam]

Did you. Oh, let me take guess here. You were raised by a single father.

[Owen Galavan]

No.

[Sam]

Okay. You just hate your mom.

[Zach Black]

I don't hate her. I don't talk to her very much. But yeah, she's.

[Casey Rocket]

She's all right.

[Sam]

Right, Exactly. So you're looking for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is what you don't know.

[Sam]

Probably you're looking for a mom.

[Joseph Filey]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Sam]

There we go. We're doing this.

[Casey Rocket]

How much?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of Sopranos that Dr. Meli was on this.

[Red Band]

How much older are you going for, though? Are you, like, oh, she's three years older than me. Are you doing that or.

[Joseph Filey]

No?

[Zach Black]

No, I would say this guy's disgusting.

[Sam]

You can tell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

50, 55.

[Zach Black]

Exactly.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gross, bro.

[Sam]

Unbelievable.

[Cam Patterson]

You need therapy, though.

[Zach Black]

Not just any one. I like, you know, chicks that work out, at least, you know, maybe some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Jesus, I hope so.

[Sam]

Yeah, with, like, a walker or something like that. 55 year olds aren't really pumping that much iron out there.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you have a fantasy of killing the bitch with your dick, Cam?

[Zach Black]

I wish I could.

[Sam]

Do you prefer a dry vagina to a wet one?

[Zach Black]

Absolutely not. Who would prefer a dry one?

[Sam]

A guy that tracks down 55 year olds.

[Zach Black]

They get just as wet, right?

[Sam]

Older ladies, maybe some of them, but, you know, some of them go through menopause. There's things that happen to women biologically to where things can kind of slow down down there a little bit.

[Zach Black]

Well, I still only talk to the healthy ones that take vitamins and drink enough water.

[Sam]

Is that. Is that a part of your, like, first date? Do you take vitamins and drink a lot of water?

[Zach Black]

Actually, yeah.

[Owen Galavan]

I.

[Zach Black]

That's my criteria for pretty much anyone I'm going to hang out with. Do you take vitamins?

[Sam]

Are you asking me if I take vitamins?

[Zach Black]

I know you take vitamins.

[Sam]

Clearly, maybe I don't.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I mean, who are you asking? Were you asking me, you mother.

[Sam]

What are you on?

[Chase Tucker]

Huh?

[Zach Black]

I could recommend some vitamins if.

[Cam Patterson]

Cool.

[William Montgomery]

Name one.

[Zach Black]

D3. That's very important.

[Cam Patterson]

He just tried the out of you. He just tried the out of y'.

[Sam]

All.

[Cam Patterson]

Disrespectful.

[William Montgomery]

Did you just try me right now, you piece of. I thought you were trying me. And at the very beginning of your set, you're like, oh, everybody knows I love old. I was thinking, I don't know that, dumbass. I'm sure nobody knows you like older women. And I was wondering, though, how are you doing?

Are you, like, hitting it from the

back or what are you doing with these? Dude, are the lights on? Are the lights off?

Are their candles going? What are you doing?

[Sam]

Get a little Werther's original. Put it in her ass. Absolutely. You toss her old brown lettuce.

[Cam Patterson]

You be talking with a life alert. That's what you be doing. You be talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm balling, and I can't get up. Hold up.

[Cam Patterson]

I got to stay right there. I got to stay right there.

[Sam]

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom with these older ladies? Is there anything that you do. You take off, like, their prosthetic legs or something like that.

[Zach Black]

Or stupid Bend them over the walker sometimes in the shower. The old ladies, they got the rails in the. In their bathtub.

[Sam]

The old double rail. The old railroad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Hans.

[Sam]

Anything for this guy.

[Hans Kim]

This guy looks like Tony Hawk. Bro Waiter.

[Sam]

All right.

[Hans Kim]

A bro waiter instead of pro skater.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bro Waiter, everybody. Bro Waiter.

[Sam]

All right, there he goes. Zach Black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody. On to the next one we go. We're flying through them.

[Sam]

We really are. Make some noise for your next. Come on.

[Hans Kim]

Just go.

[Sam]

No handshakes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. These people. Hey, we're buddies now.

[Sam]

I'll see you around the town. We're going to be doing a lot

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of work together now.

[Sam]

Shut the up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Michael Hines, everybody. Michael Hines is next on.

[Michael Hines]

I'm not pro Hamas, but I can always go for a little chickpea. No, but seriously, I am stoked on this new war. I'm super excited about it because that Russia versus Ukraine shit was getting boring. No one's talking about it anymore. I think it's because everyone was on the same team. They're all, I stand with Ukraine this, I support Ukraine that. No one was pro Russia. I mean, like, except for me. But this new one, it's sort of red versus blue, but anyone could be a wild card. You never know what someone's gonna say. I hope they annihilate each other so we could get the Holy Land set up for my boy JC but there's lots of shocking opinions out there. Like, Greta Thunberg went from tweeting about saving the environment and tweeting about BLM to tweeting about killing the Jews, which was crazy to me. It was shocking just because I never really thought me and Greta would see eye to eye on anything before, you know? But if you guys ever notice that. Black. Yeah, man, I got cut off there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could have kept going, but obviously

[Sam]

you're allergic to cats or something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really stopped you in your tracks there.

[Sam]

Have you been attacked by a kitty cat before?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Sam]

Okay, here he is. How about one more time for Michael Hines, everybody?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And here we go. This is very exciting.

[Sam]

You've been on this show before?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, I have.

[Sam]

Absolutely. Look at you. Look at yourself. It's absolutely incredible. You look like the world's youngest pedophile. Total opposite of the last guy. You're going the other direction in the age groups. Am I correct? You like him young, don't you?

[Michael Hines]

My age is fine. Maybe I've always gone like two years older. They got more money.

[Sam]

Oh, more money. Yes, some of that 24 year old money. How old are you?

[Michael Hines]

I'm 24 for.

[Sam]

Right, exactly. Okay, so what do you do for work?

[Michael Hines]

I'm on unemployment right now.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Sam]

You don't look like the stoner idiot that you are. It's interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm on unemployment right now.

[Sam]

It's interesting. Carpet doesn't match the drapes with you or something like that? Yeah, yeah, it does with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam]

Fire hydrant.

[Cam Patterson]

Look out.

[Sam]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Michael Hines]

My mom told me if I came back on Kill Tony, I couldn't come home for Christmas, so I guess that's okay.

[Sam]

Give us some backstory to that. Why would she say such a thing?

[Michael Hines]

She's pretty evangelical in my math. My last minute was about my penis. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was about my penis.

[Sam]

It was about my penis. My last minute. I talked about my penis. My evangelical mother did not like me talking about my little Christmas ornament. Where are you from? You have such an interesting sw. Oh, New Jersey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wouldn't have guessed that.

[Sam]

My evangelical mother talking about my penis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How hard did you get bullied? All the time in Jersey, would you get bullied?

[Sam]

95 or 100% of the time?

[Michael Hines]

I was a martial arts instructor in high school, so I fought a lot. I got picked up.

[Sam]

Which means you got bullied all the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

way up until high school.

[Michael Hines]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam]

I love it. And then one year you came back and you're like, what'd you say?

[Michael Hines]

All right, I actually fought a crackhead the other day.

[Cam Patterson]

You fought David Talley the other day?

[Sam]

You did. Tell us about it.

[Michael Hines]

Me and Ben Williams.

[Sam]

No one knows who that is. Go ahead. Nobody knows what you're talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dropping open mic names out here. Wait, the Ben Williams.

[Michael Hines]

We're going to the. The gas station. And the crackhead. I asked to borrow his lighter to light my cigarette, and he was cool with it. And then he was like, yo, can you get me a drink? And I was like, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then he's like, stop, stop, stop. God damn it, stop.

[Sam]

You asked the crackhead if you could borrow his lighter?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, well, he offered and mine wasn't working.

[Sam]

See, you're obviously struggling with the lighter out there. Your hair is in your face, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gotta flip it back every 10

[Sam]

seconds because that's like your thing.

[Genevieve]

Yeah.

[Sam]

And then he sees you and he's like, hey, man, you need a lighter?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah. And I was like, cool, I'll get you a drink. And then he was like, two drinks Two sandwiches, a pack of Cools. So I got one pack of cools, gave him four cigarettes, and he said, you owe me $20. So I called him a.

[Sam]

And then he's like.

[Michael Hines]

He ran up behind me and punched me in the back of the head.

[Sam]

Right, right.

[Michael Hines]

And then.

[Sam]

And then what happened?

[Michael Hines]

Parried the second.

[Sam]

Can you show us some of your martial arts? Just put the mic in the mic stand and show us what you did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And here we go.

[Sam]

A little Michael Hines surprise martial art. Whoa oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Oh, my goodness. That was it. Okay. All right.

[Sam]

There he was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Hines. I hope that's not the speed that you threw them at in real life. That was.

[Michael Hines]

I was afraid I was going to kick the drums. I don't want to fall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sam]

What an amazing martial arts instructor you are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was afraid I was accidentally going to kick behind me really hard and fall over.

[Sam]

God damn it. I feel like anybody up here could

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

beat the shit out of you, dude.

[Sam]

I do not believe that you're a martial arts instructor. I would go 10 to 1 on D madness on this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got. I think he would just grab you and never let go and just swing at whatever and you.

[Michael Hines]

Okay, well, the other senses are cane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody is. That's what D Madness would do with his seeing cane.

[Sam]

Is that what it's called, a seeing cane? All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. Who gives?

[Cam Patterson]

Just call the cane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Just folding cane Numchucks for the blind.

[Sam]

What would be your approach at Deep Madness if he came at you with a. With the numb Chucks for the blind?

[Michael Hines]

I think if I ran away and took a couple turns, I can get out of there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a bitch. That is such a pussy way out of this situation yet. That is probably the smartest maneuver. Yeah, that's. That's when shit gets scary. You're running around a corner, and D just turns the lights out, And you just hear footsteps coming closer to you. Then he can hear your footsteps, so you're fucked. You just see glowing sunglasses coming directly at you at a very fast pace.

[Sam]

Yes, Michael Hines, craziest thing about your life that we didn't know about you. You've been on this show before. Tell us what we didn't find out the last interview.

[Michael Hines]

Craziest thing about my life. My dad got arrested when I was, like, three, and, like, the house got stormed for telemarketing stuff like this. We got swatted when I was, like, 3 years old.

[Sam]

For telemarketing stuff?

[Michael Hines]

Yeah, dude. Isn't that crazy?

[Sam]

Can you explain what that means? A little bit. Maybe I'm the only one that.

[Michael Hines]

I guess he, A fed pretended to be an employee of another company and said he had a list of hot leads, and that's illegal to buy. And then he just. That we got swatted, and they took. They took all our stuff.

[Sam]

I don't think that's swatted. I think swatted is somebody sends the police on you for an. A crime you didn't commit.

[Michael Hines]

No, but the swatted is when they, like, kick in the door and all that. Like, the SWAT team.

[Sam]

Is that the right terminology?

[William Montgomery]

I think that's exactly what that is, dumbass.

I think it's totally.

[Sam]

I think your dad got arrested. I think there's a difference. Am I right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Sam]

Could be wrong.

[Michael Hines]

But, like, with a SWAT team, sure.

[Sam]

If there's a SWAT team. I don't think that that means getting swatted.

[Red Band]

Swatted is when you, like. Like, send something to somebody that doesn't deserve it.

[Sam]

Exactly. Your dad was a criminal.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Genevieve]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam]

He didn't get swatted. He got in trouble by the police. In trouble by the police correspondent Cam Patterson.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Telemarketing just mean drugs, stupid dumbass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Cam Patterson]

I was telemarketing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Cocaine.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Telemarketing.

[Sam]

That's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, son, I didn't really get in trouble. It was a telemarketing thing, and I got swatted.

[Sam]

You believe everything your dad tells you, huh? Do you think that you're. How long did he go away for?

[Michael Hines]

Only, like, two years.

[Sam]

Yeah, Only two years. That didn't affect your childhood at all?

[Michael Hines]

I don't even remember.

[Sam]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there he goes. Michael Hines, everybody. We're gonna keep moving forward here.

[Sam]

You guys having fun tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've been through four bucket polls already. We're on pace to set a record. Are you guys having a good time? All right, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. This looks like a new name. Cole Kasui, everybody. Cole Kasui.

[Sam]

Here we go.

[Cole Kasui]

How y' all doing? I'm doing all right. Doing all right. I got told recently I look like a more lesbian Ellen DeGeneres, so that's not great. I mean, I get it. I don't look masculine at all. I feel like when people look at me, they think, all right, I'm almost positive you are a dude, but I am positive you are a bitch. And that's fair. That's fair. I just moved here. I moved from Houston. Notice there's a lot less Latina women here. Than Houston, which is good because they didn't like me, so that's good. I don't think I could date a Latina because I can't handle spicy foods. I think that's just too big of a barrier to overcome. Like, I even think salsa can be too spicy. It's the whitest shit ever. It's not a good look when I'm at a restaurant and a waiter's like, do you need anything else with your chips and salsa? And I'm like, a glass of milk, actually, would be great. My throat is on fire. You know, I'm back on dating apps. Recently single. I don't mind them. I do think it's weird, though, when girls put pictures of them as a kid on their dating profile. Ladies, I don't know why you think we like that. It's not like I'm gonna go out with the girl and be like, yeah, she's really not that attractive now, but, man, was she cute when she was nine. I'm in. All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All. Adorable.

[Sam]

Cole. Kasui. There he is, everybody. Castle. Hello. How are you? What is it?

[Cole Kasui]

Castle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Castle?

[Sam]

That's how you pronounce that?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Oh, that's an L. You have a short L. Yeah, you have a short L. Looks like an undotted lowercase I. I'm sorry, has anyone ever told you that before?

[Cole Kasui]

No, actually, no.

[Sam]

You think that's a normal size L? How does that look to you?

[William Montgomery]

That 100% looks like you were trying to do a lowercase I and forgot

[Sam]

the dot on the top. That look like to you that doesn't look like a short L at the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

end of Castle, or does it, dummy?

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Casey Rocket]

All right.

[Cole Kasui]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. And he doesn't even know how to read.

[Sam]

That's on me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's on me. I thought that said he's like, whatever Tony says.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, Tony, I think it say something cool there. I don't know. This got the it. That's right.

[Sam]

That's right. But thank you for taking off of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

lacrosse practice to be here tonight.

[Sam]

You seem like you have the look. I'm not saying you have the words or style or. But you have the look of a rich kid. Are you a rich kid?

[Cole Kasui]

No, Middle class.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Middle class.

[Sam]

That's what rich kids say, though, because there's kids richer than them, so they call themselves middle class. My friend, our friend, good friend Benji, whose family owns, you know, basically hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars worth of property in Los Angeles,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

calls himself middle class.

[Cole Kasui]

I was Definitely a type. I was pretty spoiled, but all my friends were like way more spoiled, so I didn't think I was spoiled.

[Sam]

Okay. What does your dad do for a living?

[Cole Kasui]

Something with. He gets invest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you pretending like you don't know?

[Sam]

In telemarketing, he's like, he's like the

[Cole Kasui]

middleman of like getting investors and companies that need money. He's like the middleman of that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know what his title is?

[Cole Kasui]

No.

[Zach Black]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have no idea what your dad.

[Cole Kasui]

No, I really don't.

[Sam]

If, If. If a judge in a courthouse asked

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you what does your father do for a living? You'd be like, he's the middleman between money and.

[Cole Kasui]

No, I actually don't know the title.

[Sam]

Wow. Are you close with your dad? Yeah. And you have no idea what he does for a living?

[Cole Kasui]

No. We don't really talk about his work. We'll talk about my work, but not.

[Sam]

Why do you think that is? Why do you think. You don't talk about his work, but meanwhile he's taking money from some people and giving it to richer people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you? Why would you guess that?

[Sam]

Your father, who is blatantly, blatantly stealing money from. From poor to actual middle class people and reinvesting it into your own wealth. Why do you think he doesn't want to talk about that with you?

[Cole Kasui]

Well, when you put it like that.

[Sam]

You have no brothers and one sister, Am I correct?

[Cole Kasui]

Two sisters.

[Sam]

Only two sisters?

[Chase Tucker]

Yeah.

[Sam]

You know how I knew that?

[Cole Kasui]

Yeah.

[Sam]

This is an interesting one. You know how I knew that? Because you have the energy of a guy that never had any brothers.

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah, I get it.

[Sam]

You have no brother energy.

[Tony Cruz]

Yeah.

[Sam]

William has brother energy. Cam has brother energy. Actually, he has brother energy. But you have. You have this type of like, you've never been like, you've never been like with or anything.

[Cole Kasui]

Yeah, I mean, classic bowling every now and then, but not Nothing. Nothing too crazy.

[Sam]

You're a closet bowler.

[Cole Kasui]

Classic bowling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, classic bowler.

[Sam]

I thought you were secret about your bowling. Second life bowling. Yep.

[Cole Kasui]

I did try out for my high school bowling team. I made it and then I didn't join.

[Sam]

Wow.

[Cole Kasui]

Then you showed them what they wanted and then said, you can't have it.

[Sam]

Wow, look at that. You're hard to pin down.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah,

[Cole Kasui]

that was actually because my friend didn't make it. So I was like, I'm not doing this alone.

[Sam]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sam]

So how long have you lived in Austin?

[Cole Kasui]

Beginning of November.

[Sam]

What do you do for work?

[Cole Kasui]

I'm in financial sales. I sell insurance to financial advisors.

[Sam]

Did your dad help you get that job?

[Cole Kasui]

No, he has helped me get interviews before, but not this job.

[Sam]

He didn't help you get this job at all? No, not at all.

[Cole Kasui]

I swear.

[Sam]

The resume that you gave them, nothing about your father?

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Sam]

Tired thing?

[Cole Kasui]

No, I got it on my own.

[Sam]

How'd you get it on your own?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I called my dad, and he said, I got you.

[Cole Kasui]

He'll definitely help with, like, the interview process and, you know, maybe a resume

[Sam]

a little bit, but maybe resume a little bit. So we're backtracking on my original thing,

[Cole Kasui]

but he didn't find a company. It was like, yo, apply for this. I applied on my own, did the interview.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What I asked at all.

[Zachary Miller]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam]

You just answered the question from a minute and a half ago to where? You don't think anything on the resume was affected by your father at all? Yeah, just don't worry about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't worry.

[Milky]

I'm confused.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't need to know that I won that round. Just. You'll figure it out when you watch the episode.

[Milky]

Okay.

[Sam]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Finally, a breather.

[Sam]

So, okay. And you do that for work? You've lived here since November. What's your love life like?

[Cole Kasui]

Single now, so not great.

[Sam]

Why single now? What's different now? That wasn't like this before.

[Cole Kasui]

Well, probably just because I moved here, so I don't really know anyone. So went on one date here, didn't go too great. And then I was like, I'm just gonna focus on comedy.

[Sam]

You said one date here didn't go too great. It sounds terrible. Tell us what happened.

[Cole Kasui]

Yeah, it was the first weekend I

[Sam]

was here, and this is November of this year. As in a month ago?

[Chase Tucker]

Yeah, about a month ago.

[Sam]

A month ago is the real answer. And here we go.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Cole Kasui]

Went out. Went out, picked her up. I think this is where it went wrong. I picked her up, and it was my first weekend in Austin. Didn't know the downtown parking situation, so just looking for a parking spot was terrible. I'm trying to, like, talk to her too. It's not going well. And then I had a parallel park, and that did not work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone didn't have a brother growing up,

[Cole Kasui]

so I think. I think that was the first mistake. And then we went to a bar, we had two drinks, and then she said she felt sick and went home. Not even went home. I had to drive her home.

[Sam]

Right. Did she start holding on to this sick belly while you were struggling to parallel park? Or was it after?

[Cole Kasui]

Dude, she was. I was like, I know this was. But I was driving her back to her house. She was, like, rolling down the window, like, burping. I was like, maybe she's either the best actress ever or just actually sick.

[Sam]

Yeah, but she acted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She acted. Rolling down the window for a burp, that is.

[Cole Kasui]

Yeah, it was like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you find this girl?

[Michael Hines]

Hinge.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Sam]

All right.

[Zach Black]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Where'd you take her to eat at?

[Cole Kasui]

Well, she had to pick the bar because I didn't know anything, and she picked the place. It was, like, way too loud for a date spot, too. I couldn't hear anything she was saying.

[Sam]

You don't remember the name of the place?

[Cole Kasui]

No, I don't. She would. Like, I couldn't hear it. Like, I was just acting like I knew what she was talking about. She'd be like, yeah, my mom has aids. I'm like, yeah, this is a good song. And that was usually the majority of our conversation.

[Sam]

So she was sick and you had no. You were just saying yes and no to things and you had no idea?

[Cole Kasui]

Because I kept asking, like, what'd you say? And then after a while, it just got. It got too much.

[Sam]

Wow.

[Zach Black]

Yeah.

[Cole Kasui]

And then I never saw her again.

[Sam]

Where'd you come from?

[Cole Kasui]

Houston.

[Sam]

Oh, the long, long distance trip from Houston.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Cole Kasui]

I'm from Dallas, so, you know, just working my way around Texas.

[Sam]

I can't wait for you to go to San Antonio. This is great. Hopefully it'll be soon. Anything else for Cole, gentlemen?

[Hans Kim]

I mean, I think that you. If you're trying to get laid, try not telling people you're middle class. Say that you're rich, and keep wearing that sweater.

[Cole Kasui]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great advice, Hans Kim. Sly with the ladies.

[Sam]

He's had to deal with that, having that face. So, I mean, imagine.

[Hans Kim]

And don't worry. I'm used to losing dates after I try to parallel park as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, any type of parking is parallel

[Sam]

parking for Hans Kim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am a saur.

[Sam]

I am a very sorry Cam. Anything else for this fucking gagoots up here? This fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this human Seahawk that we have up here tonight.

[Cam Patterson]

So she. She got. She got sick after y' all started drinking?

[Cole Kasui]

She said she did.

[Cam Patterson]

So you roofied the bitch? You forgot or something? What happened?

[Cole Kasui]

It was too early on. I usually wait for three or four drinks for that, but we're only on two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the whole band just reacted to that.

[Cam Patterson]

I knew he was one of them niggas. He a roofie nigga?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the band knows the Exact drink

[Sam]

on which to roofie a lady at. It's hilarious, William. Anything else for Cole Castle?

[William Montgomery]

Cole, that thing we were describing about when you couldn't really hear the girl and you were just kind of agreeing with what you said. I. I'll be honest with you, I thought about that during your whole fucking set tonight.

I was kind of hearing things going

on, but I don't know, I'm just kind of in a rotten mood right now, so. Sorry. It's not your fault.

[Sam]

But why are you in a rotten mood?

[William Montgomery]

The Kellogg's, Aubrey and Buds ran out earlier. Tony and I couldn't even eat any earlier.

[Sam]

Oh, my goodness, yes.

[William Montgomery]

So I'm in a real rotten mood.

So sorry to take it out on

your ass, but I didn't really hear any of it.

[Cole Kasui]

It's okay.

[Sam]

Fiber withdrawals right now, huh?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Sam]

What are you going to do about it?

[William Montgomery]

Probably get.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there he goes. Cole Castle, everybody. Here's a little joke book. Cole, can you catch this? You didn't have any brothers. Everybody's waiting. Everybody's laughing at you. Millions of people watching. Wow. Cole Castle. There he goes.

[Sam]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I'm pretty sure everybody's bombed so far tonight. This is exciting. It's one of those nights. I like it like this.

[Sam]

How many of you like it when

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

people do good on this show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Great. Well, then you must be fucking thrilled. Make some noise for your next comedian. Cheyenne Beerins, everybody. Cheyenne Beerins.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Thank you. I used to suck off a guy in a wheelchair. That's right. I'm ADA accessible. I didn't do it because I'm super progressive. I just wanted someone who wouldn't walk out on me. But Hot Wheels just wheeled right on through. I don't get why people say God hates abortion. Because if that was the case, then why does the Big Dipper look like a coat hanger? I guess it doesn't really look like a coat hanger, but it looks like one that was unraveled to scrape out a mistake. You know what I mean? I know. Sorry, Texas. Listen, I'm actually. I'm actually pro life. I feel bad when I tell that joke. That's why whenever I got knocked up, I just started munching on mushrooms. Until my sweet baby boy killed himself. He was like, yo, this bitch is fucking crazy.

[Sam]

I'm out of here.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, I don't really know why I give my unborn baby a cholo accent. It doesn't really make sense. Sense. Because every unborn Mexican makes it out alive. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sam]

Hello.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Hi, Tony.

[Sam]

What do you mean every unborn Mexican makes it out alive? I didn't get it.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Mexicans pop out babies.

[Sam]

Every unborn Mexican makes. I know that they make a lot of babies. It's a little wordy, but why would an unborn Mexican make it out alive?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Because he's Mexican. And Mexicans don't get abortions.

[Sam]

Oh. I never know if it's my high quality weed or if everybody else doesn't get it too. Honey, do you get it? Can you explain to me? I think it's.

[Hans Kim]

She's saying, like, every Mexican that is into nine months yet gets born. Not that every Mexican that is not born gets born.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

It's because you're also autistic. So you. You're on the same. Yeah, we're on the same wavelength.

[Hans Kim]

You should see me parallel park. It's from the comments.

[Sam]

Still not sure that I get the Mexican reference, but okay. It's all good. Every unborn Mexican makes it out alive. William, do you get it? Right. They serve. You're saying they survived the abortion? No, they just survived being in the womb. They survive being in the womb because it's also great joke. Of all the Mexican angles, I don't

[Hans Kim]

think every Mexican that hasn't been born yet is born.

[Sam]

We'll be wet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back after these messages. See, that's a Mexican joke. That's a Mexican joke. Clear on the edge. Dangerous. Will we be able to bleep that? Not bleep that on YouTube?

[Sam]

We don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen. We will have to talk to the YouTube people about that.

[Sam]

How about a hand for sunburn?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jenkins getting back to his seat over here. This guy went a long day on the golf course yesterday. He is a cherry tomato.

[Sam]

All right, Cheyenne, but you started off with the wheelchair. Suck off. That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Hell yeah.

[Sam]

Absolutely. Is that true?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, it is. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who is the guy in the wheelchair?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I met him on OkCupid a few years back.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I was.

[Sam]

Yeah, I was. All right.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

New to town.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

You know.

[Sam]

Absolutely. You have to be entry level to hook up with a guy in a wheelchair.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

That's right. Yeah. Well, at first, all of his pictures didn't show, like, the bottom half. And he was really hot. Like, he had really big muscles, like arm muscles. Because he's just monkeying around everywhere. I guess that's why. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Was he black?

[Sam]

Whoa.

[Genevieve]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Was he black?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

No, no. He was like a leather daddy. Had, like, Long hair and like, this was up in Seattle, so he had like that Seattle vibe, you know.

[Sam]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Why was he in a wheelchair?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Dick too, but it didn't work, which.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh yeah, big soft dick.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Dude. It was hard, but like he. I guess, cuz he's paralyzed, he could like harm himself.

[Sam]

He can't like himself.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

He's like paralyzed from like the waist down.

[Sam]

Harp himself.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Herm. Harm himself.

[Sam]

Harm himself? Yeah, he could harm himself if.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

What if he put it inside me, but he could put it in my mouth and it was fine, I guess. But he couldn't like do the. He couldn't do vaginal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's a great excuse. Oh, look at me. I need to get a wheelchair and be like, hey, look, you can suck my dick, but I could really harm myself. I could be double paralyzed if we fuck. I don't want to lose use of my arms or anything here. As you can tell, I'm a real muscular leather daddy and I can only get my dick sucked. It is a real ailment, one of the real catches of being paralyzed from the waist down.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I fell for it.

[Sam]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I sucked him off all the way.

[Sam]

All the way to completion.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

No, I. No, I don't know if he could come.

[Sam]

What?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I don't. I know it was a while ago.

[Sam]

Were you like talking during the blowjob or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you know, I don't really want to. You know what? I can't come. If he can get hard, he could probably come.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I don't remember him come. Maybe I suck at blow drops.

[Hans Kim]

Oh, what are you talking.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Wow.

[Hans Kim]

What are you talking about? Unborn Mexicans.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

This is newer development.

[Sam]

Okay, so, all right, so you meet

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the guy and then you suck him off. But you didn't suck him off, you just sucked him. You sucked him on. Off would be to completion.

[Sam]

I do believe. Anyway, for the bit. How did you find. How long did you go before you realized that there wasn't a finish line here? How long did you suck for before realizing maybe he can't come?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he say.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

We got together a couple times and I felt bad because like, you know, he's in a wheelchair and I didn't want him to think I wasn't interested anymore because of the chair. But that's really what it came down to. Like he couldn't. He couldn't put his dick inside me. And then it was just annoying because like I. Anytime we went like on a date, I would have to like load his chair into the car.

[William Montgomery]

How many dates did you it's fucking like too much.

[Owen Galavan]

Dude,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's too. There's some honesty right there. You see that? When the honesty accidentally seeps through, that's the funny.

[Sam]

We could all feel that. How many dates did you go on with this guy?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Probably like three to five.

[Sam]

And you were always the driver?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, I was the driver.

[Sam]

You got car fished?

[Joe Smith]

Yes.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, that's what I got.

[Sam]

Cat daddied. Okay.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

No one knows what that means, but the wheelchair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Very good.

[Sam]

So how did this end? What were. How did you break up with them? Things were really ramping up for a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then let him down.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Okay. So. So I found, you know, I. I went over to this place a couple times, and like, one time I was in the bathroom, there was like a bra in the bathroom. And I was like, what the is this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, damn this guy up.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I know. So I was like, what's going on here? He's like, oh, that's like my. My live in partner, but we don't really have a sexual thing. But she's like, I don't know, something. But then I got jealous. I got jealous of the guy in the wheelchair. That's. That's how low I am.

[Sam]

Right?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

How low my self esteem is.

[Sam]

It's Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

You let a nigga in a wheelchair

[Sam]

walk out your life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe Smith]

Okay.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

He rolled on through.

[Sam]

That is amazing. That is unbelievable. William Montgomery, what do you think about the situation?

[Zach Black]

What?

[William Montgomery]

I was just.

So did you really get an abortion?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

No, I miscarried.

[William Montgomery]

Is your.

My favorite abortion song is Brick by Ben Folds Five. Do you like that song?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I don't know if I've heard it.

[Zachary Miller]

Oh, my gosh.

[William Montgomery]

Listen to it after this, bitch.

[Hans Kim]

Okay.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

All right.

[Sam]

So you really did miscarry.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, when I was on mushrooms.

[Sam]

Yeah, you really did. And it was the mushrooms that did it?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I was doing a lot of mushrooms.

[Sam]

That's a crazy trip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was.

[Michael Hines]

Yeah.

[Sam]

To go to the bathroom and have a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was weird.

[Sam]

Shrimp cocktail or whatever happens. I'm not exactly sure what it looks like. I'd imagine, like, it's when you first open a ketchup, but, like, it's not Chub choose. You know what I mean? Like a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know, just guessing here.

[Sam]

It's a comedy show, so I. I'm allowed to guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This isn't a science conference.

[Sam]

No, no, it's like bobo, right? Yeah. Boba. It's an.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a.

[Sam]

It's an emotion.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, it's just a couple of clocks.

[Sam]

No big deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've run out of jokes to make on this show.

[Sam]

An abion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[Sam]

You almost had a little baby boba.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I did used to work at a boba tea shop, so that would have been fitting. This was actually when that happened. Oh, my God, that's amazing.

[Sam]

100% of the people that I've known that have worked at boba tea shops have wild miscarriages. There's a very high number in that industry. Tapioca miscarriage is a very taboo subject. Doesn't get talked about much at all. Doesn't get talked about on the show. There's a lot of abortion jokes. There's a lot of ayata baby jokes, but there's very few people willing to admit that they miscarried. Was that a sad time for you?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, it was the lowest point of my life, really. But, like, it was with the guy, the baby daddy. I met him in a. In a mental hospital, so it was for the best.

[Sam]

Okay, you were both in the mental hospital at the same time?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, we met, we fell in love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He moved in with me.

[Sam]

How long after you met did he get you pregnant?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Like, three months. Three months.

[Genevieve]

Which.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Which was the same amount of time my parents were together before they got knocked up with me. So when I was high on mushrooms thinking about that and then the baby killed itself, it was kind of bittersweet because I'm like, at least I won't end up like my parents.

[Sam]

Right. And it's ironic because they wish that they would have miscarried you.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yes. After they watch this for sure.

[Sam]

So let me ask you this. Were you and the guy that you met at the mental hospital both heavily medicated when you made this baby? We got, well, like lithium and things like that, because to end up in a mental hospital takes quite a lot. How long were you in for?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I was in there, fought like five days. Not that long. He was in there, I think, for like 10 days. And then, like, I just thought he was so cute and, you know, I got his number and he was in

[Sam]

there for 10 days. Were we talking about the guy or your baby?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

5 weeks for the baby? Yeah. So it was early.

[Sam]

It's like, do you ever celebrate five weeks? So do you ever celebrate like a negative seven month, three week birthday for the baby?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

I had an accident, like about three weeks. Yeah, I might. I don't know.

[Sam]

Oh, it was recent?

[Cheyenne Beerins]

No, well, no, it happened January. But this was like four years ago now.

[Sam]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so it was a while.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

So we Would have had a four year old. I do cry sometimes thinking about having a toddler, but I don't.

[Sam]

Yeah, he would be. Oh, he's calling in right now. We have word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, he's dialing in. We're hearing.

[Sam]

I'm hearing him. Is that my baby?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, here he is.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Chris Junior.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Sam]

I love you. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, hold on. Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, Somebody's beating him.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Mama loves you.

[Sam]

No.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Stop hitting my boy.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is bad.

[Cam Patterson]

Can I get an amen?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right,

[Cam Patterson]

give her go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. He's with the devil. Oh, no, he's in hell.

[Sam]

Oh, no. Oh, no. He's being flushed on the toilet again. Oh, my God. Oh, no. He's getting beaten in hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

What the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay. All right. We're having too much fun. Sounds like he's having a good time down there.

[Sam]

All right, Cheyenne, you know what? It was a great interview. Very compelling. So you're going to leave here with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a big joke book tonight. Thank you. Minute was okay, but talking about here, I'm going to throw it to you. Can you catch?

[Sam]

All right, here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do it for. Do it for. He's watching you right now. Yeah, you could call her Ms. Carrie, everybody. Cheyenne Burns, everyone. All right, your next comedian is on the inside. Works here with the Kiltoni production team. Make some noise for Michael Ridley, everybody. Michael Ridley. You know him, he's been on this show before. Foreign.

[Michael Ridley]

It's good to be here. The comedy mothership. I don't know if you guys know this. It's super hard to get tickets here, right? Yeah, it's even harder to perform here. I don't know if you guys know this, but you have to provide three liberal scalps to the booker.

[Tony Cruz]

I.

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah, I got up in Little Boy, I was like, dude, this one's Trans Lives Matter. This one's Black Lives Matter. And I think this one's worked at Barnes and Noble. I've got a white wife. All right, thanks for your support of interracial marriage, Texas. I know it's still illegal out this bitch. Me and my wife get a lot of weird reactions when we go out into public. Like, we were walking down the street the other night, and these two upset Trump supporters pointed at us and said, you see that goddamn transgender couple walking down the street? And I get it. If they think I'm trans, bro, my mustache is. Looks like I've been on T for three months. Like, I'm just out here rocking this Mexican middle schooler's Mustache.

[Cole Kasui]

I just.

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah, I look like I'm too poor to afford to identify what I identify as. I look like a tranny that ran out of money halfway through. I just.

[Casey Rocket]

Thanks, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Michael Ridley doing a lot of jokes in 60 seconds.

[Sam]

Welcome back to Michael.

[Joe Smith]

Hi, Tony.

[Michael Ridley]

I don't know why I got hella Asian there for a second.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Hans Kim]

That's my job.

[Michael Ridley]

Hi, Hans.

[Sam]

What kind of Asian are you, Michael?

[Michael Ridley]

I'm Filipino.

[Sam]

Hans, what do you think about this?

[Hans Kim]

He's only half Asian, but I respect. I respect your good half, if you know what I mean.

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah, it kind of sucks being half Asian and half white. Like, I don't have, like, the stereotypical attributes that you'd want from either of those groups. Like, I have white brain and a medium dick.

[Sam]

Like, I. No, no, I have.

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah, I have white brain and a small dick. Actually, I fucked that joke up, Tony.

[Sam]

Yes, you did. God damn. D Madness reacting in horror. Yeah. So, Michael, what's going on? Tell us something in this interview portion that we don't know about. You've been on the show multiple times. Give us something compelling. You watch the show. You're here every single single week.

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah, I'm here every single week. Helping out, watching people bomb.

[Sam]

Sure. But what about your life? We know what the Goes on on the show.

[Michael Ridley]

Yes, my life, dude, it's been. Dude, honestly, moving to Austin has been pretty dope. I actually, this has probably been the most I've ever done stand up in one year. December marks 10 years in comedy for me. But this last year I've been in Austin has been all the growth condensed in one year. Dude, I've been on more paid shows than I've ever done. I started a podcast, dude, I fucking sold it.

[Sam]

Yeah, dude.

[Michael Ridley]

Fucking radio, Ridley radio. I have no idea what I'm doing. We just riff for an hour every week. We do characters and voices. It's pretty chill. I. I opened a merch store, which is a huge mistake at where I'm at in my career.

[Sam]

Whose merch are you selling?

[Michael Ridley]

Mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that is a huge mistake.

[Cam Patterson]

The first.

[Michael Ridley]

No, I'm going to tell you right now. The first 50 shirts right out the fucking window. Thanks to the show. Like, a lot of people were coming out the woodwork buying my shirts. It was pretty dope.

[Sam]

Really?

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Michael Ridley]

They sold out in the first, like, week and a half. I sold 50 shirts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Michael Ridley]

And then people were like, dude, when are you going to restock shirts? When are you going to restock them? So I restocked the fucking Shirts. And Now I have 300 fucking shirts in my one bedroom apartment, dude. And they all have my face on on them. So I'm just in a room full of shirts with my face on them. And I. I didn't go through China. I went through a small business in America. Huge mistake. Do not. Don't buy American, dude. That we get it drop shipped from China, dude. Make children do it. It's way cheaper. It's a huge fucking mistake, dude.

[Sam]

What else, Michael? What's something about? Do you have any special skills or talents other than comedy?

[Michael Ridley]

I could do, like voices, characters. I could sing.

[Sam]

I can. What kind of singing can you do? What's a good song?

[Michael Ridley]

I can just make up a song. If you want to make up a song.

[Sam]

Can you sing something that we would know or why would you make up a song?

[Zachary Miller]

I don't know.

[Michael Ridley]

I could do like a system of a down song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can?

[Sam]

What's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I can?

[Sam]

No, that's not System of a Down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you can't. Tony can't.

[Sam]

You literally can't.

[Michael Ridley]

Maybe not. Yeah, let's not do that. That sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's like System of a downs or something.

[Michael Ridley]

System of the down syndrome. Yeah, for sure.

[Sam]

Oh, my God.

[Michael Ridley]

I didn't know, dude. I didn't know I was gonna get pulled tonight, dude. I've been signing up for like six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody ever knows if they're gonna get pulled.

[Sam]

Isn't that crazy how that's the show works that you work for?

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had no idea I was gonna get pulled by shocking stunning.

[Sam]

Almost like they were pulling names out of a bucket.

[Michael Ridley]

Yeah, it was like 200 every week. And I'm like, God damn, of course. And I'm like in a low right now. I'm not doing too good, bro.

[Sam]

Why are you in a low?

[Michael Ridley]

Honestly, bro, I don't know what the fuck happened. I, like, lost the fire a little bit, dog. I'm not even gonna lie.

[Sam]

Oh, my God.

[Michael Ridley]

Like, I was working my ass off the start like a year ago, bro. I had so much fire, and I don't know what the is.

[Sam]

You know what? You know what? To pick you up a little bit. You know what we're gonna do? I'm gonna buy a T shirt from you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're down to 349, my friend.

[Sam]

God, dude, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Ridley, we're gonna keep it moving. There he goes.

[William Montgomery]

Thanks, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With a great System of a down impression there. I'm System of a down.

[Sam]

It was a summer system. It's a pastime activity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It Was literally the worst System of a Down impression. I mean, humanly possible. A blatant, deep, strong voice.

[Sam]

I could sing System of a Down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess the whole band's confused.

[Sam]

So much toxicity in our city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Nobody else thought that was crazy. It's like, well, I can sing.

[Sam]

Have you heard of System of a Down? Summer of Friendship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, mixmeister, your next bucket poll. Owen Galavan, everybody. This is a new name for sure. Owen Galavan.

[Sam]

Here he is.

[Owen Galavan]

Hey, everybody. Guys, I think it's funny that we use the word skinny to refer to people that are thin. I think it should be the opposite. I think we should use the word skinny to refer to people that are overweight. Because who has more skin than them? They are covered in it, you guys, they are so skinny. I think it would make them feel better too. You know, going to the doctor instead of being called morbidly obese doctor could be like, listen, you're dangerously skinny right now. You're actually my skinniest patient. And then I think we could just call thin people something else that made sense, you know, like hungry or annoying

[Chase Tucker]

or.

[Owen Galavan]

Oh, you think you're fucking better than me? I am getting older, you guys. I'm getting older. Something happened to me last week that made me feel really old. Went on a date with a girl that didn't know what MySpace was. Can you guys believe that? 16 years old, didn't know what MySpace was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. All right, Owen Galavan, welcome to the show.

[Sam]

Owen, how are you?

[Owen Galavan]

I'm good, how you doing?

[Sam]

Fantastic. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[Owen Galavan]

Four years.

[Sam]

Four years. Where at?

[Owen Galavan]

I started in Worcester, Massachusetts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. That's all you need to know about Worcester.

[Sam]

Worcester, right there.

[Owen Galavan]

Yeah, I'm from Worcester too, and I've been here like a year and a half, so.

[Sam]

Uh huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Been here for one year and a half.

[Sam]

What do you do for work?

[Owen Galavan]

I'm an engineer.

[Sam]

Oh, okay. What kind of engineer?

[Owen Galavan]

Mechanical by degree, but right now I'm working as an industrial engineer.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Owen Galavan]

Just like process improvement on a manufacturing floor.

[Sam]

Right, Okay, I love that. That is very incredible. What do you like to do for fun, Owen, when you're not doing stand up?

[Owen Galavan]

I skateboard and play disc golf a lot.

[Sam]

Has anyone ever told you that you look like Daniel Day Dinklage?

[Owen Galavan]

No, that's a new one.

[Sam]

I know

[Cam Patterson]

who that is.

[Sam]

That's not a real person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a combination of Daniel Day Lewis,

[Sam]

which is what I think his face and hair kind of reminds me me up and Peter Dinklage I combined them to make a 3D joke. Daniel Day Dinklage. Because Dinklage is a. And he kind of has features.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has, like, do got features.

[Sam]

He is. It's like a. Yeah, Daniel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really bad Day Lewis or something like that.

[Owen Galavan]

I'm just. I'm a short guy.

[Milky]

I don't know what.

[Sam]

Perhaps your mom ate mushrooms in her second trimester.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Happened earlier. Don't worry about it.

[Sam]

So, Owen, what else about you? Tell us something interesting about your entire life. How old are you?

[Owen Galavan]

30.

[Sam]

30. Okay. You don't look a day over 52. I love it.

[Owen Galavan]

That's what you said last time.

[Sam]

But you were on the show before.

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah, the.

[Owen Galavan]

The first one here, actually.

[Sam]

The first one ever. At the mother show.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Sam]

And how did that go?

[Owen Galavan]

Went well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah.

[Sam]

What else did I say in the interview? Did I make fun of you any other ways that you remember?

[Owen Galavan]

Yeah, you said I looked like a. Like a pedophile and the victim, maybe, Something like that.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you went and grew facial hair after that?

[Owen Galavan]

No, I had. I had just a mustache, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just the mustache. That makes sense. You did win and you grew more facial hair. Yeah, because I affected you.

[Sam]

Because everybody laughed and you're like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, damn it. Yeah.

[Owen Galavan]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam]

I love it. Oh. And what's your love life like?

[Owen Galavan]

Trying my best. Not that great. This weekend I met a British flight attendant. Thought it was going real well. She saw a show that I hosted, and then when the bar closed, she was like, nah.

[Sam]

I was like, what way? How did she say no, exactly?

[Owen Galavan]

I was like, do you want to go back to my place? And then she said no.

[Sam]

That's all she said. She didn't give you, like, an excuse?

[Owen Galavan]

No, she was like, I'm flying out tomorrow early. Da, da da. But we all know what that means just now.

[Sam]

Yeah, absolutely. 100%. She did not want to do anything with you.

[Owen Galavan]

Pretty upsetting.

[Sam]

Pretty amazing because there's guys out there with no use of their legs getting

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

sucked off, but meanwhile, you can't close with a British lady that has one night in America.

[Owen Galavan]

I know.

[Sam]

How long were you drinking with her before she completely rejected you?

[Owen Galavan]

A long time. Show ended at 11, so 11 to 2.

[Sam]

Wow.

[Owen Galavan]

Yeah. Tough.

[Sam]

Three hours of hard work.

[Owen Galavan]

We'll never get it back.

[Sam]

It was going really well where you're like, man, I think I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got her.

[Sam]

Was it. Can you describe that moment to us?

[Owen Galavan]

There wasn't a real moment. At one point, she was with her friend, and her friend was dancing with My friend. And she was like, ugh, I hate dancing. And I was like, same. Let's go talk outside. And then I was like, this will be something. And then it was. We talked for like an hour.

[Sam]

Outside?

[Owen Galavan]

Yeah, like in the patio or whatever. Like, brought our drinks outside. We were at White Horse, and. Yeah, then we just talked for like an hour. And I was like, all right, this is going well. Wasn't going as well as I thought, obviously.

[Sam]

Right, right. Hans, what do you think? I see a big smile on Hans face.

[Hans Kim]

Well, I. I've been in this situation many times. Have you ever. Did you ever try leaning in at any time, going for a quick peck?

[Owen Galavan]

Did not lean in.

[Sam]

Pussy.

[Hans Kim]

Just gotta go for it, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So watch how Hans has evolved over the last two and a half years. It's amazing.

[Sam]

A true Frankenstein of confidence, just calling

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

people pussies right to their face.

[Sam]

Now, Hans used to literally get no action whatsoever. He became a regular on Kill Tony, but he was banging chicks in janitors closets that night. How do you think your life would change if you were a regular on Kill Tony? Do you think you would be able to close with women then?

[Owen Galavan]

If I couldn't, I'd be pretty upset. But, yeah, hopefully. I don't know. Being a regular would, I'd assume, change

[Sam]

how many of the regulars give you each a piece of advice on how to close with women better. Hans, you go first, and we're going to work our way down.

[Hans Kim]

If you want to close with women, I would say maybe strike up an accent. Your name is Eogan, pronounced Owens. You know, so use that. Maybe go go with Irish.

[Owen Galavan]

Hey, dude, I'm so bad at accents,

[Sam]

but can you try one? Can you just try be Spanish? You're a Spanish. You're a Spanish supermodel. You're a Spanish supermodel. I'm a girl. Here we go. Hi. What's your name? Ricardo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't do Ricardo.

[Sam]

What do you do for work?

[Owen Galavan]

I'm a fucking soccer player, dude. That's what Spanish people do, right? I don't fucking know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm Matador.

[Sam]

Yeah, you're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No accent for you.

[Sam]

Cam, what's your advice to close for Owen Galavan?

[Joe Smith]

You know what I'm saying?

[Cam Patterson]

You gotta look at the bitch on her soul. You know what I'm saying? How you doing, white lady? You good? You wanna rock?

[Sam]

Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. Oh, God.

[Sam]

Oh, she's squirting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Sam]

This is incredible.

[Cam Patterson]

Whoa.

[Sam]

Amazing. That really works.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

We going to later. I'mma God give my rock Back Do

[Sam]

I like that one? Thank you. That's right. That's right. So there you go. Gotta try an accent. Look at a. In our soul.

[Owen Galavan]

Give her a rock, baby.

[Sam]

Here is your third piece of closing advice from the great William Montgomery, the only one in a truly stable, healthy relationship. And here he goes.

[William Montgomery]

So I would, first off, start going to grocery stores around the same time of evening. Every evening, you're going to start seeing some of the same people. You're going to start being able to notice what they get, what kind of cereals, what kind of meats, whatever. A couple months in, you end up being at the meat department at the same time as the chick, and. And then you just start talking. And then when you are kind of in line with her, you end up in line. You get. I found these pills online that you kind of. You crush up the pill, you blow the powder in your. So you're gonna have to act like you're sneezing at the woman, and then she's gonna get this powder in her. And then once she gets the powder in her, you can pretty much. She's like a fucking robot, dude. You could fucking get her ass in the trunk. Whatever you're feeling. I mean, if you're feeling kind of angry or whatever, get their fucking stupid ass in the trunk. If you're feeling nice, maybe get them up in a seatbelt, but go to the grocery store more is all.

[Owen Galavan]

That sounds like it would work every time.

[Sam]

What is it, Black History Month back here? What the hell is going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John D's eating an actual chicken wing, ladies and gentlemen.

[Sam]

I mean, what in the world is going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is absolutely incredible.

[Sam]

Is there a tostada for Michael Gonzalez as well? I love it. You know what I'm going to do here? I feel like there's one more person that could give good, simple closing advice. I'm going to check in with D Madness. D, what would you recommend for this guy to learn how to close with a woman?

[Michael Hines]

Damn.

[Milky]

That's a.

[Cam Patterson]

Let me see.

[Sam]

I have to be honest with you.

[Milky]

I don't know exactly what to tell this guy.

[Sam]

Even D doesn't think you have a chance. Brutal, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. There's nothing we can do for you, Owen.

[Sam]

What'd you get last time you were on the. This show? Little joke book?

[Owen Galavan]

No, I got no joke books. I did get secret show, but I got no.

[Sam]

You got nothing at all?

[Owen Galavan]

No mementos? No.

[Sam]

Here's a little joke book. Congratulations. There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Owen Galavan, everybody.

[Sam]

All right, we're Having fun here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're moving along, we're at a really good pace. A lot of bucket pools. Make some noise for your next one. Zachary Miller, everybody.

[Sam]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right down the barrel. Who knows Any one of these nights

[Sam]

like this is where we found a lot of different people. Here's Zachary Miller, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Without a doubt, the Kill Tony debut is Zachary Miller. Clap for Zachary Miller, everybody.

[Zachary Miller]

My name's Zach and I had sex for the first time recently, people. Yeah, man. It was with a girl who identified as a he. Don't know if that makes me gay or not. I just know that his pussy was amazing, hands down. It was one of those situations that was too good to be true, you know, I woke up, my ass was hurting and I was like, oh my God, that was not a he slash. It was not a he slash day. It was one of those my slash uncles again. This trickster. Bad luck with. Yeah, man. Bad luck with ladies, man. The one girl I was seeing for a little bit told me she couldn't go on dates with me because she wasn't over her ex boyfriend who died. Don't know if you guys have ever been cop locked by a zombie before, but that stinks, you know, we got in this huge fight over it and out of nowhere she was like, fuck you, Zach. You're selfish and short. And I was like, well, that's insane because no matter where I go in life, I'll always be at least six and a half feet above your ex. And that's my jokes, guys. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Exactly a minute. I love that.

[Sam]

Favorite set of the night so far for me. Zachary Miller, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Zachary Miller]

Five months.

[Sam]

Five months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sam]

Very good. All of it here in Austin?

[Zachary Miller]

No, I'm actually from Fort Lauderdale and visiting for the week. And it's fucking awesome here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is awesome here.

[Sam]

No doubt about it. This is so much fun. We just spent the entire weekend in Florida. We couldn't wait to get back here. It's true. This is the best place. And what, what else have you done for fun since you've been here?

[Zachary Miller]

Honestly, just open mics, going to bars, not talking to women, but, you know, looking at them. So it's been going well.

[Sam]

You're looking at them?

[Zachary Miller]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Cam Patterson]

Looking at him.

[Zachary Miller]

Average.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Is that your natural? You have that natural Jerry curl like that cherry?

[Zachary Miller]

I don't.

[Sam]

Jerry curl?

[Zachary Miller]

What's a cherry curl?

[Sam]

It's a Jerry curl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Sam]

I guess you don't know what a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

cherry curl is then you definitely won't know what a Jheri curl is.

[Sam]

Your hair naturally just fluffs like that. Do you do something to that?

[Zachary Miller]

I forgot all my hair products on the plane.

[Sam]

What type of products do you use?

[Zachary Miller]

Okay, so how old are you? I'm 22.

[Sam]

Right. Okay, perfect.

[Zachary Miller]

Good hair products. Yep. Curl talk, Very good. My sister uses it. It's actually really good Curl talk. Curl talk. It's a woman's product. But it's so good.

[Sam]

Does it curl it more?

[Zachary Miller]

It curls it more and it makes it really good. It's so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable what's going on here.

[Sam]

I cannot imagine. It looks like you've used all the curl talk in the world tonight. I cannot imagine what your hair would look like with even more curl talk. That is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, don't play Girl Talk. I knew you were gonna do that. As soon as he said girl Talk, I'm like, I bet Red Band's hands are flying around that iPad right now.

[Sam]

Have you heard of Girl Talk?

[Zachary Miller]

I have not.

[Sam]

It's a band. It's a musician from Cleveland, Ohio, that famously used to mash up music. He doesn't do it anymore because I think a lot of people complain. Copyright.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam]

It's the ultimate copyright infringement. But we've always been a big fan.

[Owen Galavan]

Yeah.

[Sam]

So 22, you have one of the most beautiful birds nests that we've ever seen in our entire lives. So what is your life with the ladies? Like? I mean, you talked about hooking up with the he they. What's really going on there?

[Zachary Miller]

That's. That's. That's true.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah, it's.

[Owen Galavan]

It's.

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah. I didn't find out. So, like a while ago because, like I found. I followed on Instagram after and it was literally in her bio was like, he slash. Sounds like, what the fuck? Nothing against it either.

[Sam]

Like, I was just different. What was different about her other than her calling herself a he they?

[Zachary Miller]

She was a comic.

[Sam]

She was a comic.

[Zach Black]

Yeah.

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah. Down for Lauderdale.

[Sam]

So in Fort Lauderdale.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Zachary Miller]

And she was also.

[Sam]

These people are like your age, so you're kind of dealing with this like woke era of people that want a virtue signal. Especially since you're in Fort Lauderdale, place that has a little bit of a average higher income. So it's a bunch of rich kids that have never really seen any absolute fucking. Any fucking trouble or drama or real life struggles on the streets. So they're a little bit more virtue signally than even other places. And there you are dealing with it. So when she says he they, you're literally. You say, oh, that's cool. But in real life, you're literally like, I don't give a. I don't give

[Zachary Miller]

a. Yeah, no, dude, but, but you

[Sam]

have to play along because you're 22.

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah, exactly. I do what I gotta do.

[Sam]

But people see, there's, there's, there's, there's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

still a bit of man in these boys.

[Sam]

Yeah, man, I don't give a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This younger generation because there's, it's like, it's like when.

[Sam]

It's like when Luke thinks that Darth Vader, there's still a little bit of good left in him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Sam]

That's what your testosterone is like. All right, so what is the manliest thing about you, Zachary?

[Zachary Miller]

The manliest thing about me? Yeah, man.

[Sam]

What do you do? That's like a tough guy thing?

[Zachary Miller]

I scuba dive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Zachary Miller]

I swim with sharks, dude. I go in their habitat. That's pretty manly if you have swim

[Sam]

with tiny little fishies. Yeah, okay.

[Cam Patterson]

Only.

[Zachary Miller]

Only nurse sharks though. You know, I don't go anywhere.

[Sam]

What do you do for a living? 22 year old.

[Zachary Miller]

I just graduated and so I was. I work at a law office, but because I was gonna go to law school, I was like, fuck that shit.

[Owen Galavan]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no cap? Yeah.

[Zachary Miller]

Do I sound that retarded up here?

[Sam]

I'm sorry, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you don't sound. You look retarded, but you don't sound.

[Sam]

What did you graduate with a degree

[Zachary Miller]

in criminology and anthropology.

[Sam]

Criminology?

[Zachary Miller]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Sam]

Hell yeah.

[Zachary Miller]

Hell yeah.

[Sam]

So criminals and rocks?

[Zachary Miller]

No, that's. That's a geology.

[Sam]

Oh, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Come on, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Who's the now everybody? Wisdom of a dad.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, you, boy.

[Sam]

Oh, shit. So, Zachary, what does a 22 year old like you in Fort Lauderdale do for fun

[Zachary Miller]

open mics and that's it. It's not fun around there.

[Sam]

Other than that. There's gotta be something else. A little guilty pleasure. You do some laser tag with the homies or something like that?

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know.

[Zachary Miller]

I've been trying to look for more because I just moved back home, so I'm still trying to figure all that out.

[Sam]

But I hear a little bit of like, there's a little bit of a twang in your accent that I don't recognize. Fort Lauderdale. Daly. And do you have like African American friends or something like that? Yeah. Watch. Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

You do Broward.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Broward, yeah.

[Sam]

Right, that's. But that's not where Fort Lauderdale is, is it?

[Owen Galavan]

No, it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is, yeah.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Zachary Miller]

But I'm also from, like, the whitest neighborhood in Broward.

[Sam]

We know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why I'm asking you why you sound like that.

[Zachary Miller]

Cuz I'm cool.

[Sam]

Can you right off the top of your head as fast as you can name your top five black friends names. Go.

[Zachary Miller]

Springer. Kevin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kevin sounds white again. We've only got Springer so far. Five. We're looking for five black. No, no, you're not allowed to use Cam. No, you just met him. You've been up here for six, seven minutes. You cannot count.

[Owen Galavan]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're at one. We have stranger. Take note that he sounds black, but cannot name black friends. Everybody, we're at one.

[Zachary Miller]

Big Pedro.

[Joe Smith]

That's.

[Zachary Miller]

He's a Big Pedro.

[Sam]

Pedro.

[Zachary Miller]

Big Pedro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big Pedro.

[Zachary Miller]

I don't know his first name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's not black. He is again. No, he's not.

[Cam Patterson]

He's a Puerto Rican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pedro is Puerto Rican.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, he might be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you're still at one. Still at one. Take note that I nailed this. Everybody take note. I knew it. One. You're at one. You have Springer so far.

[Sam]

He's not even my friend anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To be honest. We're at zero. We are at zero. Keep playing the music. Keep going. I'm not giving up on you. Give you a minute. I know you're going for your black friends. Everybody, bro, I. You know, anthropology, criminology. Zero. We are holding strong.

[Zachary Miller]

I can't think right now. Hold on, hold on.

[Sam]

Springer is gone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam is my friend.

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah, bro. I got no black friends, dude.

[Chase Tucker]

I guess.

[Zachary Miller]

Dude, I. I just can't think right now.

[Sam]

I got black friends.

[Zachary Miller]

Trust me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I knew it.

[Sam]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I knew it. Because that's a thing when white people sound black and they're not really, like,

[Sam]

really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really from black culture.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's one of the most annoying things

[Sam]

for people that were born and raised in all black neighborhoods.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do I sound like I talk like this? Anyway, why aren't you in Springer Friends anymore?

[Cam Patterson]

That made us. That's not a real person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, they're good at sprinting.

[Cam Patterson]

Springer, he's with sprint and nigger together. He was like, that's it. That's a name. That's a name. Yeah. Sprint and Niggle.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah. That's a name. I got that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that. Big Pedro entered the chat on this one. Literally. We're all like, what the. Immediately, it took three guests to go all the way to Puerto Rico.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, yo, I be sounding black up

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

here with my geology.

[Sam]

Don't you hate it when white people sound black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I wouldn't even imagine being a comedian

and talking in a black voice ever.

No, Tony, I swear to God. I was on YouTube the other day and I just typed in my name and I see some video that says William Montgomery doing black voice number six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been.

[William Montgomery]

And I have a weird.

[Casey Rocket]

It's who?

[William Montgomery]

So whoever's doing that, you better stop.

[Cam Patterson]

Holy.

[Sam]

Can you give us an example of,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, what one of the things said?

[William Montgomery]

I looked at it for a second and I clicked off.

I was horrified. I was like, hold on.

Is this a bad.

What's on. Going. Going on here? I couldn't even.

[Sam]

Oh, yeah, there is a compilation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A bunch of them. Oh, my God. And they put them in black. Yes.

[William Montgomery]

And I'm in black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

So I was very excited to hear about that.

[Sam]

Oh, my God. And these compilations are so long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. 11 and a half minutes. Number two is lights out Montgomery.

[Sam]

Oh. Oh. It's not edited very tight at all. Wow. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It doesn't matter.

[Sam]

It doesn't matter. We're going to get flagged by YouTube

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for playing our own YouTube video on our YouTube show.

[Red Band]

He's going to flag us, this guy.

[Sam]

Okay. Have you thought of any black friends since the last time we checked in with you?

[Zachary Miller]

I'm just so nervous.

[Sam]

What's the most bonding moment you've ever had with a. With a black person?

[Zachary Miller]

I made a really good, like, play in basketball.

[Sam]

I think it's a finish. You don't ever see any black people when you're down there scuba diving. You don't see them at the. At the bottom of the ocean floor. The bottom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Is that Springer? Zach, you had a great set. You are very promising. It's 22 years old. My recommendation would be to get the fuck out of Fort Lauderdale. Here's a big joke book, though. You don't need to shake hands. Cam, stop shaking everybody's hand. Zachary Miller, everybody. These people's mediocrity is going to rub off on you and we don't need that.

[Sam]

We still having fun out there, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's another bucket pool. It's a one word name. Those are usually the most fun or insane.

[Sam]

Let's see what happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Milky, everybody. Milky. Here comes Milky.

[Sam]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Milky]

Do you have a moment to talk about the Lord? Good, because I don't either. I have been called Milky over 20 years longer than my government name. People use my government name and kind of throws me off. I used to be called things like Fat Boy, Chubbs, Pillsbury, Doughboy, Woohoo. That's all behind me now because of diabetes. Used to be fat. Ridiculously fat for my age. So I would always pray and ask whoever. I don't care how, just make me skinny. Just make me skinny. And then diabetes. Just like, needful things. I got the primary what I wanted for the price of a tiny major organ. Oh, the world's pretty crazy right now, if you haven't noticed. Just be respectful to each other. Love one another, but don't be afraid. To quote Ezekiel 25:17. If somebody's giving you a hard time, I'm Milky. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Milky. Yeah.

[Sam]

How's it going, my friend?

[Cole Kasui]

All right, brother.

[Sam]

How are you?

[Milky]

I'm doing all right.

[Sam]

You've been on this show before, correct?

[Milky]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I look a little different now.

[Sam]

Absolutely. What happened?

[Milky]

Becoming a cowboy more or less. Step by step.

[Sam]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Milky]

Yeah. The shirt fits a little better this time. No tie.

[Sam]

Got the hat, got a poncho. Right.

[Milky]

Next is boots.

[Sam]

Well, you know, there you go. Your setups were good, your punch lines were bad, and your look is ugly, so it all makes sense. You have a. You have a. All right, Milky, what do you do for a living?

[Milky]

I run the BYOB bar.

[Sam]

You run a BYOB bar?

[Milky]

We don't have a liquor license. It's a game room. It's up in Wells Branch.

[Sam]

Okay. How far away is Wells Branch? How long do you have to ride your horse up there?

[Milky]

Take about 18 minutes and a 2 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Sam]

Shit's wild. All right, let's play a little game. Name all of your black friends. Here we go. 1, 2, 3, 4. Here we go. Play the Marin.

[Milky]

Kevin. Jamal. James.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, stuck at four here, folks.

[Milky]

Damn. There's another James, but that doesn't count. I'm gonna go with Zeus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope, we're sorry. That doesn't count. Hit the.

[Sam]

There it goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, guys, that's it. When you hear Jesus, you know it's over. Everyone, this is becoming one of my. Quickly. One of my favorite games to play with what extremely white people. It's funny how they can't make it to five black names without being big. Pedro, Jesus, Pablo, Kevin.

[Cam Patterson]

Last nature looked at me and said, I see Cam. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they keep trying Cam.

[Sam]

They're like, all right. So, Milky, you've been on this show before. Remind us of some of the highlights of your interviews real quick, as fast as you can. What have we found out about you? That was interesting.

[Milky]

Sam Talon have baby mama in North Carolina. Don't get to see my kid like the chameleon I had.

[Sam]

When's the last time you saw your kid?

[Milky]

Last year, February, when I left.

[Sam]

And how did that go?

[Milky]

It was kind of weird.

[Sam]

Why?

[Michael Hines]

I don't.

[Milky]

She didn't expect me to show up at her house.

[Sam]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you broke a.

[Sam]

You broke a restraining contact.

[Milky]

So, like, I just showed up, Tell her that I'm leaving, you know, to go pursue this.

[Sam]

Oh, boy.

[Milky]

Gave her all my information, and then, you know, the next day I left.

[Sam]

Was the mom cool with you showing up at the house?

[Milky]

Oh, she wasn't even there. Yeah, her. Her mother was watching.

[Sam]

So you pulled the old, like, Michael Myers thing or something like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just.

[Sam]

Just kind of appeared down a hallway. Hello, daughter.

[Milky]

She does kind of look like me, though.

[Sam]

All right, Milky, how old are you?

[Milky]

I'm 40.

[Sam]

How long have you been attempting. Wait, you're 40?

[Zachary Miller]

Yeah.

[Joe Smith]

Wow.

[Sam]

You're six months older than me.

[Milky]

I know, right?

[Sam]

Holy.

[Milky]

I think we'd be good friends, but baby steps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna blow my goddamn brains out.

[Sam]

Jesus Christ. Christ Almighty. No, no, put it away. Put it away. Okay. What do you guys think about Milky? We're going to get them out of here quickly.

[William Montgomery]

Here, Milky, your diabetes line, even though it got zero laughter, I think was my line of the night thus far because the first part had nothing really to do with. It was so confusing to me. It made me laugh really hard. So congratulations, Milky. It was so.

[Milky]

I did stutter over it.

[Sam]

You might want to rewrite that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We want to see type two of

[Sam]

that type of joke.

[Milky]

I messed it up.

[Sam]

Cam Patterson, what you think about Milky?

[Hans Kim]

You.

[Cam Patterson]

You left. You left your kid to do comedy?

[Milky]

Well, yeah. Well, no, I wasn't getting any contact anyway, so.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, dog, it's over, bro.

[Milky]

No, she's all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't need to be mean.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, good.

[Hans Kim]

Kim, I feel like you like snakes.

[Milky]

Oh, I did originally. Yeah.

[Sam]

When you say originally, what happened to where you stopped liking snakes?

[Milky]

My mother wouldn't let me get one, so.

[Sam]

Who wouldn't let you get one?

[Milky]

My mother.

[Sam]

Your mother?

[Milky]

Yeah.

[Sam]

She said no snakes. So was this last week? Yeah. All right, Milky, you're Kicked me out of the joke book.

[Milky]

Oh, I got one last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Sam]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Milky, everybody, we're flying through it, I promise.

[Tony Cruz]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're getting there. This is indeed

[Sam]

we are on pace

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for the most bucket pulls of the

[Sam]

year that we've had on this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some Noise for your next comedian.

[Sam]

Chase Tucker, everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chase Tucker.

[Sam]

Okay, here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chase Tucker.

[Chase Tucker]

What the fuck is up, Austin? How y' all doing? Thank you. This is a crazy experience. How are y' all doing over here?

[Owen Galavan]

Cons,

[Chase Tucker]

Last time I was in Austin, Texas, I fucking met Shaquille o'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neal.

[Chase Tucker]

That shit was crazy. He shook my hand about put my fucking arm off.

[Cam Patterson]

Ooh.

[Chase Tucker]

Earlier today, somebody tried to suck my fucking wiener in the bathroom of a bar. It was kind of a surreal experience. Cam, I got a. I got a rock special for you. Nothing gay, though. Nothing gay, no, but shit, I can't see. But the only reason why I'm wearing this hat is because the fucking lady told me I was wearing. Lady told me my chicken was little. So this is a chicken little hat. So that's just how it is. I don't even.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude, absolutely. I'm going to cut you off right there.

[Sam]

I'm going to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, I'm going to step up.

[Chase Tucker]

That's all I'm up here for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to stop the bear from jumping in.

[Sam]

I'm going to stop this slow, slow verbal suicide that you're doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Slow. This is absolutely incredible.

[Sam]

Welcome to the show. Chase, have you ever tried stand up comedy before?

[Chase Tucker]

This is my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your first time? Where are you from, Chase?

[Chase Tucker]

I'm from Kansas.

[Sam]

Kansas. You kind of sound a little urban. Let's play a little game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Name your top five black friends.

[Sam]

Right into the tip of that microphone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And here we go.

[Chase Tucker]

I got Trayvon, I got Deantre. I got Twin. I got.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah. Hell, yeah.

[Chase Tucker]

One more time. That's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you got to keep going. Keep trying.

[Cam Patterson]

Real names.

[Chase Tucker]

Isaiah and Isaiah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isaiah and Isaiah. Okay, yeah, we lost you there at the end, for sure.

[Zachary Miller]

They mix.

[Chase Tucker]

They mix.

[Cam Patterson]

Trayvon and Twin. Hey, there's some niggas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those really are Trayvon. Exactly what I was thinking. You and I are on the exact same page. Twin. Twin is a real one for sure.

[Sam]

That is incredible.

[Cam Patterson]

Twin kill people, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt.

[Sam]

Actually, the next. The next thing I was going to go for. Well, how do you know Twin exactly? And what does he do for a living?

[Chase Tucker]

I met him at the bar and I'm just going to keep it there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Goddamn right.

[Sam]

See that? We are on the same page here. Absolutely. So, Chase, what do you do for work?

[Chase Tucker]

I'm a bartender.

[Sam]

Bartender in Kansas City?

[Chase Tucker]

No, just Kansas. Or I guess Oklahoma.

[Sam]

All right, few. Few quick state changes there. Someone's definitely on parole right now. Okay, so you're a bartender. Very Very interesting. How long you been doing that for?

[Chase Tucker]

Six months.

[Sam]

Okay. You seem like you wouldn't be good at it. Can you. Can you give me the ingredients of an old fashioned

[Chase Tucker]

sugar, some bourbon or something like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope.

[Red Band]

Oh, what the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope. No sugar?

[Michael Ridley]

Nope.

[Owen Galavan]

Is it salt?

[Sam]

No, sugar. Sugar would be another one of your black friends, though. Okay, so how about. How about a vodka soda? Can you tell us how to make a vodka soda?

[Chase Tucker]

Like vodka and club soda?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. All right.

[Sam]

There.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a trick question, but you handled it very well. You looked at me like I was stupid. Meanwhile, you were telling us you met Shaq and you almost got sucked off

[Sam]

in a bathroom earlier and that was the extent of your 60 seconds. Can you describe the suck off in the bathroom thing better? Who tried to suck your dick?

[Michael Hines]

Shit.

[Chase Tucker]

Some. I couldn't give you all the details on that one.

[Sam]

You just made it up.

[Chase Tucker]

Nah, it was.

[Zachary Miller]

It happened.

[Sam]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who are you?

[Sam]

Was it twin

[Zachary Miller]

40 year old dude?

[Sam]

Some 40 year old dude? Yeah.

[Chase Tucker]

At a bar. I don't know where the bar was,

[Owen Galavan]

but I don't know.

[Sam]

You don't know where the bar was? You don't know where you were when this happened? What do you. What do you do for drugs?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We pretty much it.

[Sam]

You ever suffer any brain trauma when you were younger? Probably a lot. Yeah. Yeah, probably a lot. You had brothers growing up?

[Hans Kim]

One year.

[Sam]

Yeah. And he's an older brother.

[Chase Tucker]

Younger.

[Sam]

Younger. But you guys would wrestle around a lot. You guys had a trampoline growing up? No, no. Trampoline. Swimming pool. Above ground swimming pool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you got me on that one. Yep. Above ground swimming pool. No doubt about it.

[Sam]

Okay. What's your love life like, Chase?

[Chase Tucker]

Pretty sad, to be honest.

[Sam]

Yeah. How often do you wear that stupid fucking hat?

[Chase Tucker]

I only wear it for this occasion.

[Sam]

Right. What did you think that that was gonna like? What was.

[Chase Tucker]

I was fried out of my mind. I said fuck it.

[Sam]

Fried out of your mind on marijuana?

[Owen Galavan]

Yes, sir.

[Sam]

Right. Okay. All right. You have mesh shorts. We can clearly see your penis. It's incredible. Absolutely amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And see your chicken little and your eggs.

[Sam]

You know what I mean?

[Chase Tucker]

For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For sure.

[Sam]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Chase.

[Sam]

Well, we're going to keep flying through it here tonight. It was nice to meet you, buddy.

[Chase Tucker]

Thank you.

[Sam]

There you go. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book, Chase.

[Owen Galavan]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes, everybody. Chase Tucker. Stop shaking people's hands. Stop shaking their hands. Guys, ignore them. For the love of God, Cam,

[William Montgomery]

You'll have to stop. You're getting us in trouble. You'll have to stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Please, Please. All right, let's see if this is a real human being. Joe Smith, everybody. Joe Smith.

[Sam]

Okay, here he is. Joe Smith.

[Joe Smith]

Watching pregnant porn isn't illegal, but it sure starts to feel like it's illegal when all you watch is pregnant porn. I think I identify as asexual when I'm not horny. I've been waiting ever since Gwyneth Paltrow dropped her cunt candle. I've been waiting for Taylor Swift to drop a candle that smells like the space between her and asshole. It seems like something the uppity bitch would do. Thank you. Ever since I. Ever since I got off my bipolar medication. That's not the joke. Ever since I got off my bipolar medication, I have a really strong opinion about what's happening in Gaza. If you're Jewish, you won't like that opinion. There we go.

[Sam]

Okay. What's the opinion?

[Joe Smith]

I don't know. Similar to Kanye West. His opinion?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Joe Smith]

I feel like he was on Lex Pro. I was on Lexapro. Now we both. We have issues.

[Sam]

We're working them out. What is the. What is the issue? What is the. What is. What is the thing that you have in common with Kanye West?

[Joe Smith]

I don't want to say it. Alex Jones, I feel like, also has that opinion, anti Semitism, but it's not by choice.

[Sam]

Can you tell us what you don't like about the Jews? No, I love. I love.

[Joe Smith]

I love Jews. I love Jews. I feel like it's a side effect of the medication that I'm on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is the side effect that.

[Sam]

What do you feel about them?

[Joe Smith]

I mean, I love bagels.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is pro Semitism right there. Yeah, it adds up.

[Joe Smith]

But I feel like they need more than the bagels right. Right now? Right now. I feel like they need more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They need to have more.

[Joe Smith]

More locks. More locks on the bagel. I think it would help them out.

[Red Band]

They're being Jewish with the locks, is what you're saying.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Right. Very good. Very good. Look at this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Right.

[Joe Smith]

Right now I feel like I can get traded to Hamas.

[Sam]

Okay. Yeah. All right. What would you do for them?

[Joe Smith]

Dance.

[Sam]

Can you give us an example of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the dance you would do?

[Sam]

1, 2, 3, 4. Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay, I'm gonna stop you there.

[Joe Smith]

I feel like it was too Jewy of a dance for Hamas, right?

[Sam]

Yeah, for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like they would shoot you immediately.

[Joe Smith]

Yeah, they would. That would get me killed.

[Sam]

They would shoot you with one of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

their little rock guns or whatever they

[Sam]

have yeah, they don't have much.

[Joe Smith]

Mm.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Joe Smith]

Okay.

[Sam]

So you were just on the show recently?

[Joe Smith]

I was just on here, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unforgettable charisma. Thank you.

[Joe Smith]

Some people call autism.

[Sam]

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. How has your life changed since you were on Kill, Tony?

[Joe Smith]

Haven't had to use the Narcan yet, so. That's good.

[Sam]

That's good. When's the last time they had to use Narcan on you?

[Joe Smith]

No, not yet, but it's coming.

[Sam]

How do you know it's coming? You've been doing a lot of street blow.

[Joe Smith]

No, I see. I feel like last time I, like, overselled the amount I do cocaine. It's just like, special occasions, like funerals, little league games. Just like, stuff like that. Just like stuff. I need it.

[Sam]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Joe Smith]

I've been doing it three years.

[Sam]

And what do you do for a living?

[Joe Smith]

I'm a bartender.

[Sam]

That's right. Another bartender.

[Joe Smith]

Yeah.

[Sam]

In Kansas or Oklahoma?

[Michael Ridley]

Texas.

[Sam]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin, Texas.

[Michael Hines]

Yes, sir.

[Sam]

You live.

[Joe Smith]

Yeah, I live in Waco.

[Sam]

That's right. I remember this. Yeah.

[Joe Smith]

Where the church burned down at.

[Sam]

Yep. Was there anything else that you feel like you should have. Could have shared in that last interview that we would have found interesting?

[Joe Smith]

Don't vaccinate your kids because they'll turn out like me.

[Sam]

That's.

[Joe Smith]

That's my. That's my message.

[Sam]

You got vaccinated as a kid?

[Joe Smith]

My mom did it to me. I didn't choose right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Joe Smith]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like that's baby.

[Sam]

At the time.

[Joe Smith]

Yeah, this was. And this is the result of that

[Sam]

COVID vaccine as well.

[Owen Galavan]

I did.

[Joe Smith]

I think it just made it worse.

[Sam]

Yeah, it did.

[Joe Smith]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Smith]

I'm also aware of the situation.

[Sam]

Yeah, absolutely. 100%. Guys, what do you think about Joe's Smith? Is that your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, I wasn't asking you guys. No, I was asking the esteemed panel of regulars that we have here that

[Sam]

I have to write and perform a new minute every week. I believe this was Joe's second time on the show.

[Joe Smith]

Second time, yes.

[Sam]

You guys have done hundreds of sets on the show. What do you think about Joe Smith?

[Cam Patterson]

I like this man. I like him. Yeah, he just honest. He weird, but he honest, you know, really? Honesty.

[Joe Smith]

That's all I need is a black guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. You like black guys, do you?

[Joe Smith]

I just seek their approval.

[Sam]

All right, so you have a lot of black friends?

[Michael Ridley]

None.

[Joe Smith]

That's why I seek their approval.

[Cam Patterson]

Can I dab them up?

[Sam]

None.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there it is. There it is. One of the weirdest handshakes I've ever seen in my life. So excited.

[Sam]

His hand hit the table on the. Let go there.

[Joe Smith]

That's better than Disneyland. They should get that out at the Super Bowl. Just shake Cam's hand.

[Sam]

That'd be cool.

[Cam Patterson]

I like this nigga, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Hans, what do you think about Joe Smith, fellow autistic comedian?

[Hans Kim]

I feel like he's the kind of white guy my parents warned me about.

[Cam Patterson]

He got so close.

[Sam]

Fair.

[Hans Kim]

He's a very honest guy. I love him. He's like a comedy machine. He just can't stop and won't stop unless you have Narcan.

[Sam]

Yes, William. Lights out Montgomery. Thoughts on Joe Smith.

[William Montgomery]

I loved it, Joe. But only one fucking person can use a note card on stage, you piece of shit. I'm aware I can fucking do that.

[Sam]

Used to be a trademark of William Montgomery. The last time you were on the show, did you get a small joke book?

[Joe Smith]

I got a big one.

[Sam]

Very good. Well, then, there you go. Keep using it. We'll see you again soon. All right, you got there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe Smith, everybody. All right, we're getting to it now. It's been a long episode. This has to be the last bucket poll of the night. So let's see what happens here. Make some noise. Your final 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Joseph Filey, everybody. Joseph Filey. Oh, shit.

[Joseph Filey]

All right, Austin, how we doing? I was recently talking about losing my virginity, and now that I'm 28, doesn't sound as cool when I tell my friend she was 5 foot 5 at 225, they're finally sober enough to do the math on it that I was banging fat bitches in high school. And then the other problem was, it was she had a Bible verse tattoos. And I don't have any tattoos, so I don't really want to judge them. But the last thing I want to read on your back when I stick it in your ass is, do to others as they do to you. Jeremiah 29:12. Like, it could be way better. Like, how about, seeds shall be planted in soil and not sand? Joseph 26:1. You know what I mean? Like, picture getting a hand job and you. You read on a wrist. It's like, share the fruits of your labor, which your hands have created. No, I'm good on that one. How about swallow your pride when in doubt? Honey, I don't know who said that one, but that's the one I'm saying tonight. I think back and I look at it, and I saw the Tattoo. And I had a lot of bad ideas for tattoos. Like, I almost got a rose on my hand. I don't know if we have anyone here with that. Like, that was real big when I was in high school. And I was, like, looking back, that was probably the worst one I ever seen. Cause I'd never gone soft. Like, the first time I ever tried anal, I went soft because I read, do to others as they do to you, and I thought about me sticking my dick in my ass. All right, that's my time. Thank y'. All.

[Sam]

Do unto others as they would do to you. Why would you stick your own dick in your ass if it was do unto others what they do to you?

[Joseph Filey]

Well, I was thinking in a Tony Hinchcliffe mindset, and I was about to stick something in someone's ass, and I was like, if Tony was here thinking about this, he'd want dick in his ass too, so.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, that.

[Sam]

I can see why you would say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there's your obligatory Tony Hinchcliffe gay joke.

[Sam]

Applause.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Owen Galavan]

That was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Whole episode. Amazing. Absolutely.

[Joseph Filey]

From one Ohio one to another.

[Sam]

I love you, Ohioan.

[Joseph Filey]

Yes, sir. What part of Youngstown?

[Sam]

You're from Youngstown?

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Joseph Filey]

Old. Old hillbillies and hailing opioids. Ohio. We're proud.

[Sam]

Sure. What part of Youngstown are you from?

[Joseph Filey]

The east side. Florida Ave. Wow. Yes, sir.

[Sam]

Okay. And you're just visiting?

[Joseph Filey]

No, I moved down here.

[Sam]

How long ago?

[Joseph Filey]

Two months ago.

[Sam]

Two months ago.

[Joseph Filey]

Two months of living in the budget in. Signing up every Monday, hanging out with a whole bunch of. Okay. Comedians. And I made it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm here.

[Sam]

I love it. Budget in. So how much are you paying?

[Joseph Filey]

Oh, I finally got an apartment. I'm no longer, like, homeless, I guess you would say.

[Sam]

Okay.

[Joseph Filey]

Yep.

[Sam]

You. How many roommates do you have?

[Joseph Filey]

Just me.

[Sam]

Your own apartment?

[Joseph Filey]

Yeah. I have a girlfriend, but, I mean, she's pretty. She. She. The rent's included with my hand. You know what I mean?

[Sam]

The rent is included with your hand? I don't know what you mean.

[Joseph Filey]

Yes. If I had a roommate. This is my girlfriend right here.

[Sam]

Oh, very good. Yes. Do unto others. Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sam]

So how long did you spend living in the Budget Inn?

[Joseph Filey]

About a month and a half before I found the apartment.

[Sam]

And how much?

[Joseph Filey]

All my money, every. Every last dollar I had.

[Sam]

How much was that?

[Joseph Filey]

It was probably like 900 a week because the F1 shit started, so they were charging, like, crazy money for every hotel around here. But I wanted to be right in Austin so I can be by the mothership in here.

[Sam]

Right. Okay. That seems to be working out for you. Slowly but surely. I think you talk a little fast. Has anyone told you that?

[Joseph Filey]

Well, yeah, that's. That's the 6th street cocaine.

[Sam]

I'm sorry, did you do 6th street cocaine?

[Joseph Filey]

Half of it was. The other half burned. A little funny, so I don't think that was cocaine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But.

[Joseph Filey]

Listen, Dare said the drug tests were important. All right, I'm testing drugs down here. That's.

[Sam]

Are you.

[Joseph Filey]

Off and on. I still have a job. Like, I work 50 hours a week.

[Sam]

But what do you do for work?

[Joseph Filey]

Amazon? I'm.

[Sam]

You're a delivery driver?

[Joseph Filey]

No. Fuck, no. You? Bro, I got a limp and I'm fat. I work on a computer.

[Sam]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Sam]

I didn't know that that was one of the Amazon jobs.

[Joseph Filey]

Well, someone has to guide all them retards to get you your fleshlights and whatever else is sponsoring us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in charge of guiding the retards?

[Joseph Filey]

Yes.

[Sam]

You?

[Joseph Filey]

I'm part of them. What do you mean? Who else is gonna guide them? I speak their language.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know how to speak the language now?

[Sam]

You're from Youngstown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've been doing a thing tonight.

[Sam]

Youngstown, including the east side, has a very high black population. Can you name by their first names? Only five black friends of yours go.

[Joseph Filey]

Let's see. Jamal.

[Sam]

It's where you play the song you've been playing all night. But. Okay.

[Joseph Filey]

Jamisha. Ooh, Shaniqua.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I think he's making up now.

[Joseph Filey]

I'm not making this up. There's one more. Travion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Travon. Travion's a real one.

[Cam Patterson]

That's a real one.

[Sam]

That's right.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joseph Filey]

Shout out to Travion. He's my nephew. That's the only real.

[Sam]

How do you have a black nephew?

[Joseph Filey]

Well, yeah, that's why I can make that joke. And I feel comfortable standing here. What it's like, you know. You know when people are like, oh, I have a black friend. I can make that joke. Well, I'm related. Like, I have a black nephew. I can bring him to the mall with me. And I feel cool about buying Jordans when they don't fit me.

[Sam]

But how do you have a black nephew? You have a sister that mated with a black man.

[Joseph Filey]

I'm pretty sure that's how it happened. I didn't ask her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't get any straight answers out of this guy.

[Joseph Filey]

I didn't ask. I didn't ask her for the details. Like, I never went on. I was Never on pornhub. And it was like your stepsis got plowed by a black guy. I never saw it.

[Sam]

I like your style, Joseph Filey. Okay, what else do you like to do? What else are you into, Joseph?

[Joseph Filey]

I just want to do comedy, man. I do Amazon. I do mics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it, Right.

[Sam]

How many mics a week do you

[Tony Cruz]

think you do here?

[Joseph Filey]

None, honestly, because Christmas is coming, so I've been working 60 hours a week, so only two days I take off is Sundays and Mondays. So I can hit the open mic here or hit you, right?

[Sam]

Well, you hit me today and it happened. This is your first time on the show?

[Joseph Filey]

Yes, sir.

[Sam]

How do you think it went? How do you feel?

[Joseph Filey]

I'll fucking take it. To be honest, for a couple lines in and a couple of tequila shots, I think I did all right. I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you really did cocaine today?

[Joseph Filey]

I mean, I'll go take a drug test tomorrow. I don't think it was all cocaine. There's definitely some cut in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing hard drugs for? You don't appear to be the guy

[Sam]

that would be doing a lot of drugs. You're wearing a shirt that says science.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It works.

[Joseph Filey]

How the you think? How do you think we make meth and LSD with science? You think LSD came from a cave? That didn't come from a cave. It came from scientists and the CIA.

[Sam]

But you look like a scientist that came from a cave. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Sam]

You know what, though?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since you're from Youngstown, and I think

[Sam]

you're very, very promising, I think you need to slow down how fast you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

talk, no matter what hard drugs you

[Sam]

do so that people can understand you better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But there's a big joke book. Joe Smith. There he goes.

[Joseph Filey]

Y' all have a good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right? Now, I know I said it was a bucket bonanza, and I know I said no golden ticket winners, no regulars, and I'm gonna hold true to that.

[Sam]

But we do have one special treat

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for you all to end tonight's episode. This man is neither a regular nor

[Sam]

a golden ticket holder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He, in fact, is something entirely different. He is a phenomenon, perhaps one of the most polarizing figures not only in the history of Kill Tony, but definitely in the Austin comedy scene. I mean, an absolute wrecking ball. Absolutely loved by so many. He really grows on you after a while. You have to kind of see him and know him.

[Sam]

But I think you guys are gonna absolutely love him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's been on this show before.

[Sam]

I'm allowing him to do whatever he really wants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tonight. We're just gonna let him rock it up here. Because this is indeed the one and only Austin's own Casey Rocket.

[Casey Rocket]

I really can't stay. Hell, yeah. Get lost. Real trap shit.

[Sam]

Come on, now.

[Casey Rocket]

Get out of here. I gotta get out of here. At midnight, I turn back into Kirsten Duns, so just gotta keep moving.

[Sam]

Peter, please.

[Casey Rocket]

Get real. Big Uncle Ben crowd.

[Sam]

Get out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, now.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm just popping it. I got nothing to lose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

No, I gotta get out of here. My buddy found some original Oxycontin in his attic last night. So we're gonna get faded and watch Yao Ming Highlights later. Should be badass. He moved good for a big man, don't he? Come on,

[Sam]

folks.

[Casey Rocket]

A lot of people talk about being California sober. Me, I'm Biloxi, Mississippi, sober. That's where I do a bunch of whippets and lose my son on a riverboat gambling trip. How much will you credit me for the boy?

[Sam]

It's okay.

[Casey Rocket]

Go with the nice man. Get real. I gotta get out of here. I promised my buddy I would do jihad later, so I gotta get going. Get out of here. We're having fun. Youngest guy around.

[Cole Kasui]

Nothing to lose.

[Casey Rocket]

Just being brave. Oh, sorry about that. Red Peppers. All right. We're doing good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Never meet your heroes.

[Sam]

Folks, we all know the.

[Casey Rocket]

The Lorax speaks for the trees, But in 2007, I saw him say the N word.

[Tony Cruz]

Okay,

[Casey Rocket]

I just got to keep moving. Biden's trying to drone strike me right now. I could feel it.

[Cam Patterson]

Good luck.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah,

[Casey Rocket]

I hate ambien. I'm glad you brought that up. Last time I took ambien, I accidentally donated my car to 1-877-cars-for kids. Fucked up part is, I live in my car. Now I gotta live with all these little kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Breathe in.

[Casey Rocket]

We're having fun, folks. There's no easy way to tell a child their parents are dead.

[Sam]

There's no easy way to tell a

[Casey Rocket]

child their parents are dead. There is a really, really fucking scary way to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey,

[Casey Rocket]

Get over here, goofball. Your dad fell on the grill at Benihana's last night.

[Cole Kasui]

Thought he was gonna pull through.

[Casey Rocket]

Then they brought out the onion volcano. He's fucking dead. Hell, yeah. I lost my hat.

[Sam]

Get real.

[Casey Rocket]

Let me show you something. I'll get out of here. Just a picture of me if I was really, really strong. So it's kind of cool.

[Sam]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you. I'm Casey Rockett.

[Sam]

Thank you so much.

[Cheyenne Beerins]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Casey Rocket. A whole different thing, a whole different anomaly, if you will. A phenomenon, an absolute rocket ship flying through space.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you.

[Sam]

There are so many things we could call him. And here he is, the one and only Casey Rocket. A man who I famously have always just let him do whatever he wants. The only one to have that. To have that real limitless time length or whatever bestowed upon you. And how about one more time for Casey Rocket?

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Casey,

[Sam]

seems like you're doing a lot of work here in Austin, Texas. You're getting a lot of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there he goes, everybody. Where's my crom?

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm not trying to do a bed. I get really scared.

[Tony Cruz]

All right.

[Chase Tucker]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's okay.

[Sam]

You can do whatever you want.

[Casey Rocket]

What happened?

[Sam]

Nothing. Hey, how's it going?

[Casey Rocket]

So good today. Hi. It's going great. Hanging out, being bad. Mommy's a little stinker, being a brat.

[Michael Hines]

And.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, just keeping it cool. Spazzing out on some old school shit and just keeping it nasty with my boys tonight.

[Sam]

Absolutely hysterical. He is a fucking. He leaves an imprint on every show that he does here at the Comedy Mothership. I go up usually, obviously, kind of obviously towards the back end of these lineups on some workout nights in the little room here. And I'll always know if Casey Rocket has hit the stage that night. There'll be little pictures of Grimace or him or random people doing random things. There'll be parmesan cheese packets or red pepper packets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There'll be.

[Sam]

Sometimes there's a harmonica sitting on a ledge. There's things. There's a lot of trademarks of the great. Oh, there you go. See what I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is.

[Sam]

There are many trademarks of the man, the myth and the legend, and this guy fucking shakes rooms, you know, we all have different sense of humors. It's such an interesting thing. And you seem to turn the people that love to silly shit and the people that like smart shit both as fans. You're able to win them both over.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you so much, Tony. That's a big honor. It's so good to be here tonight to riff for all my friends and keep it nasty and bust it wide open for all my crew. And I think Santa's gonna be pretty happy with that one. That was really badass.

[Sam]

You thought about it, Guys. William, you actually take Casey Rocket on the road with you, and he features for you. I believe you guys just did seven shows in Chicago.

[William Montgomery]

We did, yeah.

No, Casey's wonderful. Casey, honestly, is in my Opinion. He's without a doubt the funniest person I've met while in Austin. I absolutely love Casey.

[Sam]

There were.

[William Montgomery]

There's always a couple of times.

But I remember in San Diego, I was back in the fucking green room, probably way too high, about to go on, and I'm hearing, Casey, just destroy out there.

And I'm thinking, how the fuck am I going to follow this guy? And I wasn't able to.

It turned into a disaster.

I left the stage really early. Everybody's like, hold on, we paid money for this shit.

I was on stage like five minutes.

But wonderful job, Casey.

It's wonderful to always see you.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. We were in Chicago. Did you talk about it on the podcast? What happened?

[William Montgomery]

I just said the thing about how

we had to pay the fifteen hundred dollars to be.

[Owen Galavan]

Freezer.

[William Montgomery]

Freezer experience.

[Casey Rocket]

That was one of the darker moments of my life, is there's two. You can. You can pay. There's two different tiers. So 1500 to be in the freezer and then 500 to be outside the freezer, just listening. And that was kind of cooler. I was on the outside of it and I was going, you okay? And he said, I am so cold.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I was freezing.

[Casey Rocket]

Go get me out. And I said, it's not like you gotta wait the whole time or we don't get a refund. And you were cool about that, which was nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Cam Patterson, you know Casey Rocket very, very well. You just retired from being a door guy here, but you guys work together as door guys here at the Mothership.

[Cam Patterson]

My man. We locked in, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I'm saying?

[Cam Patterson]

I love Casey.

[Sam]

We're locked in for sure. Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Of all the people who are locked in, probably it's us. Yeah, definitely.

[Cam Patterson]

You know about that package, right? That one package?

[Casey Rocket]

The one package?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Oh, that.

[Cole Kasui]

Yeah.

[Genevieve]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

We got this one package, and we keep it pretty cool.

[Zachary Miller]

Pretty cool.

[Casey Rocket]

We keep it pretty tight.

[Zachary Miller]

And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a gun.

[Cam Patterson]

No, we just got a package around the Mothership. We got a package.

[Casey Rocket]

We got a package around here.

[Sam]

Oh, a unit.

[Casey Rocket]

A unit.

[Sam]

Okay. Are you close with a lot of black people?

[Casey Rocket]

A lot? Yeah.

[Cole Kasui]

Hundreds.

[Sam]

We've been doing a thing tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your hundreds is a perfect answer.

[Sam]

We've been doing a thing tonight where

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we asked some comedians to name five

[Sam]

black friends using, I guess, only their first names, if you want. Or you could do it any way you want, but five of my black friends. Five of your black friends. Ready?

[Casey Rocket]

That should be pretty easy.

[Sam]

Go.

[Casey Rocket]

James. Big John. James Junior. It was a father And a son, James and James Junior. Big J. That's Big J. Okerson.

[Sam]

That's not a black guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take it down.

[Casey Rocket]

Me and Big J, as you know, are notoriously really tight. Audrey Hepburn. Nope, missed again.

[Owen Galavan]

God.

[Casey Rocket]

Ra's Al Ghul. That's a Batman guy. I'm always one ripple away from Ra. I find that a lot. Ocho Cinco.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

And Donovan McNabb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Donovan McNabb.

[Sam]

Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Those are indeed a check set. We just got word in.

[Sam]

Those are your black friends.

[Michael Hines]

Bacon soda.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you, Kim.

[Sam]

You know KC Rocket very, very well.

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Sam]

Any. Any take on anything you want to say about the great and powerful Austin Zone. Casey Rocket. I mean, this is one of these guys. I don't think you guys even understand, like, other than, like, the old, old oldest guard in New York and la. I would put this guy out there to bury about anybody on the coast right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, really, I don't think it gets much funnier. And that's all a different set than what he did.

[Sam]

The five, four or five minutes you performed last time. I mean, you're doing it all the time. I watch you. There are things that you do. Like, what's the. Sometimes you keep a key in your mouth and pull it out.

[Casey Rocket]

The Dutchman's Key.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. I've been known to do the Dutchman's Key from time to time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He'll hide a key deep into his

[Sam]

cheek and do, like, you know, five

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

or 10 minutes of an act, and

[Sam]

then all of a sudden, and he pulls out a fucking key. And that makes me, like, run around like a black person, laughing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't laugh like a white person when I see that at all.

[Casey Rocket]

Run around like Donovan McNabb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Casey Rocket]

One of my close friends.

[Sam]

Scrambling quarterback.

[Casey Rocket]

It's funny. Yeah. When Mothership opened, I. Maybe the first couple weeks, I did one of your David Lucas and friends, and I went up pretty late in the show and I did the Dutchman's Key. And it was completely, almost completely silent. And I heard you. It's not a good bit, but the Dutchman's Key, it's kind of like. So you give them a riff and then you keep a riff for yourself. And that was a tasty little riff just for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it was totally silent.

[Casey Rocket]

I barf out the key. I'm comfortable saying this because I don't do the Dutchman's Key too often. It's sort of a special occasion thing. I hit him with the Dutchman's Key. Crowd goes, holy shit. We don't like that. Holy shit. Actually, I kind of hate that. And Tony's like, like way off in the distance.

[Sam]

I love it. There's something about the somebody secretly keeping

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a key in their mouth for an inordinate amount of time and then pretending

[Sam]

like they're choking it up from the inside. That really cracks me up. Hans Kim, ready to say something?

[Hans Kim]

You think that's impressive, you should see what Tony hides in his booty hole.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Sam]

There you go.

[William Montgomery]

Why you do that? Dude, get us a drop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little Hacky Chan over here.

[Milky]

I don't know.

[Sam]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey, you're an absolute sensation and unbelievable representative of silly comedy, I really think. I mean, it's like if Robin Williams smoked crack with a. I don't even know what.

[Sam]

You're just something entirely different than everything. And I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen.

[Hans Kim]

So fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The drawing is in from Ryan J. E Belt. It's unbelievable. Check it out. Orion je belt.com William, promote something. Plug something. For the love of God. William Montgomery, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

The the William Montgomery show on YouTube. I do it with Casey. Also my cameo, as always.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please check them out on cameo. The new spokesman for Dude Wipes, William Montgomery. How about a hand for Cam Patterson? Cam plug something.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, we got Cam and Whites coming out real soon. That's it. I got. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam and the Whites, the new show from Cam Patterson. How about Han Zim, everybody?

[Hans Kim]

Thank you, guys. I got the Kil Tony regular show on Tuesdays. Hans Kim and Friends on Wednesday. And I'm in Springfield, Missouri. Arlington, Virginia and Batavia, Illinois coming up.

[Sam]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These are the great regulars of Kil Tony. How about one more time for them, everybody? Look at the drawing from Chris Rogers, everyone. The three regulars. Oh, man. Oh, I'm gonna buy that one. That one's mine. I'm taking that one. That's not for sale. That's going to me. Oh, I'm taking that one.

[Sam]

How about a hand for the best

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

damn band in the land? Michael Gonzalez. Paul Diemer on the horns. Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. The great John B's on the keys. And that's the great D Madness on bass guitar. Everybody. Thank you to Gel Blaster. Red rose, yellow rose. Ninjabuses.com Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service and Connect Mobile. Help get an IV drip. Use the promo code. Kill 15 for 15% off. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Sunset Strip, atx.com We love you guys.

[Sam]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good night, everybody. It.