#645- LOUIS KATZ

Summary

KILL TONY #645 – LOUIS KATZ (Jan 16, 2024)
Podcast Summary – Detailed Breakdown with Quotes and Timestamps

---

Episode Overview

Theme / Purpose:
Episode #645 of "Kill Tony" takes place at Austin’s Comedy Mothership. The premise remains the same: aspiring comedians put their names in a bucket hoping to perform one minute of stand-up, followed by a raucous, sometimes brutally honest interview with Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, and this week’s guest, New York comedian Louis Katz. Regulars, surprise performances, outlandish interviews and the unique humor of the hosts and panel all converge for a lively, unpredictable evening.

Special attention this week is paid to Louis Katz’s arrival, regulars’ careers, and several new comics' debut performances. The tone of the episode continues Kill Tony’s hallmark style: irreverent, fast-paced, and highly interactive with the audience.

---

Key Segments and Discussions

Opening and Guest Introduction

• [00:00–05:00] Redban and Tony hype the show, intro sponsors, and the house band. Tony welcomes guest Louis Katz, noting it as his debut guest appearance—although Louis notes he did a much earlier episode at the Comedy Store with barely twelve people in attendance.
• [04:57] Tony: “Turns out this is the number one live podcast in the world.”

Notable Quote:
Louis: “There was no band. This is a whole nother thing.” [04:54]

---

Hans Kim: The Regular (Polar Bears, Penises, and Teenage Angst)

• [06:17–14:35]
• Hans opens with a set touching on his appearance, penises as a “superior peeing mechanism,” and polar bears:
  • Hans: “I don’t give a fuck about polar bears...You evolved to camouflage against something that melts.” [06:52]
• The post-set Q&A covers Hans’ thoughts about penises causing male aggression and a confession about troubled high school years: punching holes in walls, burning papers, and cutting himself. The panel riffs darkly and humorously on his “side effects” theory and teenage rebellion.

Memorable Banter:
Tony: “You did kind of bomb tonight...But don’t take it that hard on yourself. It’s the craziest thing in fucking comedy history to have to do a new minute every week with millions of people watching.” [14:16]

---

Austin Young: Shoveling Horseshit, Tender Hookups, and Storks

• [15:19–26:58]
• Austin’s debut; talks about truck driving, shoveling horseshit (“They’re thoroughbreds...”), and his move from Florida to Austin. Honest, self-deprecating humor draws big laughs.
• The interview reveals he gets “dizzy if he stands up too fast,” and features an increasingly candid account of a recent Tinder hookup involving weed, a cute animated movie (“Storks”), and awkward bedroom logistics.

Memorable Exchange:
Tony: “You look like if Kevin James ate Kevin James.” [16:33]
Austin: “If I stand up too fast, I get dizzy.” [19:52]
Tony: “Just grab a wall. You’ll be good.” [20:29]

---

Hank Garza: Anger on Stage, Impressions, and Personal Struggles

• [27:52–33:56]
• Hank’s energy is confrontational, doing “impressions” and ribbing on mental and physical challenges. Tony and Louis urge him to relax and talk about his real-life issues.
• Hank reveals he’s working through addiction and family issues, drawing empathy and comedic jabs alike.

Notable Quote:
Hank: “I’m going through addiction. I’m trying to get my family back. Trying to make y’all laugh. That’s how it’s going, dog.” [31:11]

---

Tim Harris: Space News, Greek History, and The One-Ball Reveal

• [34:27–43:41]
• Tim’s set moves from “space news” to ancient Greece and Catholic priests, before his Q&A reveals a stoner’s resume (recent dog kennel job, trail work, sperm donor). He reveals he only has one testicle following childhood torsion—eliciting the biggest applause of his segment.

Memorable Moment:
Tony: “It takes a lot of ball...but you got the ball rolling.” [43:24]
Tim: “I got the most action I’ve gotten was getting threatened to be raped, like, pretty recently.” [41:38]

---

Ivory Jones: The Snake Dealer Rapper

• [44:12–53:31]
• Ivory’s energetic set pokes at his physicality and ethnicity ambiguities. In the interview, he details his actual job: breeding and selling rare pythons, hot sauce, and pigs—effectively running three interconnected hustles.
• Ivory’s life story is wild: once a rapper, now a niche entrepreneur, with a self-deprecating, streetwise charm.

Quotes & Moments:
Ivory: “I breed reticulated pythons for a living...I make a full time career selling snakes on the internet.” [46:19]
Tony: "All from the same bathtub every day. This is incredible."[46:36]
Ivory raps live, but Tony: “I didn’t understand a single word. Anybody could do that.” [52:00]

---

Cam Patterson & Uncle Lazer: The Porn Star Debacle

• [54:01–74:15]

Cam Patterson

• Cam demonstrates why he’s a favorite regular with a story of a missed porn-star orgy, blaming Uncle Lazer for his lost opportunity.
• Heartfelt, raw, and hilariously honest, Cam’s segment is a crowd-pleaser.

Quote:
Cam: "I hope that nigga is dead. I hope. Hope he is dead, dog. That my time." [55:35]

Uncle Lazer

• Responds with his side: recounts an ex, domestic violence jokes, exfoliating glove sex, and detailed rebuff of Cam’s accusations.
• Followed by both comics on stage clarifying the comically tragic porn-star incident—ending with jokes about hard pizza, sad drives, and the kinds of porn names involved.

Quote:
Uncle Lazer: "Listen, I just saw my ex girlfriend...She assaulted me with her eggplant parm in the middle of that fucking restaurant and then called me the N word."[60:01]
Cam: "Nobody, nigga, we didn’t. Fucking porn star."[68:50]

---

Notable Open Mic Debuts and Audience Surprises

Spencer Franco: The Improv Redemption

• [74:57–83:44]
• His set tanks at first. He reveals he works with kids with autism, bombed on stage, but wins back the room by improvising a song about Hamas and Santa Claus at Tony’s challenge.

Quote:
Tony: “You really turned it around, buddy. You got a little something in there. Little brain in there. Deep.” [83:44]

Lexi Esposito: Room Service, DUI, and Karaoke

• [84:45–92:31]
• Lexi’s set weaves through political jokes and personal stories (moved from Orlando to Austin, room-service job, barely failing a DUI test, walking dogs, and karaoke favorites).
• Her sweet, friendly persona leads Tony to joke she needs more trauma to really break through in comedy.

Quote:
Tony: “You got a DUI. Okay. All right. How drunk were you?” [91:30]
Lexi: “0.09. Barely over the legal...” [91:44]

---

Busco Jones: Drug Dealing Regrets and Assassination Hoodies

• [93:06–101:34]
• Busco riffs on drugs, convenience store brands, restaurant management, and Dallas’s historical love for assassinations (he wears a custom “America’s Greatest Hits” hoodie). His “bucket” interview becomes a wry meditation on midlife, comedy as a hobby, Yelp reviews, and why he doesn’t eat more than he burns off at the job.

Quote:
Tony: “You seem completely unfuckable.”
Busco: “Very true, very true, very true. Now I’m married...” [98:06]

---

Closing Act: William Montgomery, The Memphis Strangler

• [102:50–114:36]
• William Montgomery, the show’s most enduring regular, delivers a high-energy, roast-heavy set.
• Roasts previous comics, green-room tension, and audience members (including confusing a pregnant audience member’s belly and riffing hard on plus-sized jokes).
• Shares personal “trauma” about a Discover credit card, childhood magazine debt, and being an anxious adult who constantly scans his apartment parking lot in fear.

Quotes:
William: “That dude needs to keep the fucking Olive Garden jokes in the restaurant. Dumbass.” [102:50]
William: "I always heard...a mailman delivers it to your house. And that’s what I always believe, Tony, that there was a stork and a mailman.” [105:35]
Tony: "You are built for comedy. You are built to be the machine that you are always." [104:46]

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Hans Kim’s Honesty:
  Tony (on Hans): “He cannot lie. He’s like, George... who was it that didn’t lie?” [09:37]

• On Stand-up Pressure:
  Tony: “It’s the craziest thing in comedy history to have to do a new minute every week with millions of people watching.” [14:16]

• On New Comics’ Odd Jobs:
  Louis Katz: "This guy has a job from another time. I didn’t know people still did that. (on shoveling horseshit)" [17:36]

• On Real vs. Edgy Material:
  Louis Katz (to Hank): “Why don’t you talk about the addiction and the stuff that you’re going through, instead of making someone else do an impression?” [32:05]

• On Busco Jones’ Hoodie:
  Louis Katz: “Was your 9/11 themed shirt in the wash or what?” [98:38]

• On Comic Bombs:
  Tony: “Zero laughs for a minute. You dis the show and then just absolutely flatline for an entire minute. Worst set of the night here on the low budget American Idol for comedians.” [75:57]

---

Episode Highlights by Timestamp

• [04:54] Louis Katz reflects on his early, humble Kill Tony origins.
• [14:16] Tony Hinchcliffe delivers a passionate defense of what weekly regulars face.
• [25:00] Austin Young details his animated-movie-infused hookup.
• [41:12] Tim Harris reveals “I got one ball”—huge crowd response.
• [52:00+] Ivory Jones raps live; Tony gives snarky feedback.
• [55:35] Cam Patterson delivers a perverse punchline about a porn star’s suicidal dad.
• [68:40–72:23] Uncle Lazer and Cam relive their porn star missed-connection in farcical detail.
• [83:44] Spencer Franco redeeming his bomb with an improvised song.
• [91:44] Lexi Esposito shares her under-the-limit DUI story.
• [98:38] Louis Katz roasts Busco’s assassination hoodie.
• [104:46] Tony praises William Montgomery’s comedy “machine.”
• [106:27] Hilarious confusion over a pregnant woman in the audience leads to stork jokes.
• [111:06] William confesses actual anxiety is behind his stage persona.

---

Conclusion

This episode covers the full Kill Tony spectrum: from oddball confessions and workaday pain, to crowd work savagery and spontaneous musical comedy. Louis Katz’s dry, outsider wit fits perfectly beside Tony and Redban’s familiar chaos. Regulars and newcomers alike serve up moments of cringe, weirdness, and legitimate stand-up insight—making for an unmissable, riotous night at the Comedy Mothership.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my

[B]

new comedy club in Austin, Texas.

[A]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Back on my stand up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this. Vancouver, Portland and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California. I do stand up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now@tony hinchcliffe.com this is going to be my last stretch of the standup tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you soon, Sam. Hey, this is Redvin coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Fuck yeah. Thanks so much for Red Band, everybody. Live in the flesh, the real deal. This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Gel blaster, red rose. Yellowroseninjabuses.com Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service and Connect Mobile Health, where you can get an IV drip by using the promo code kill15 and save 15%. Become fully hydrated. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Diemer on the horns with the new Coca Cola sponsorship that is the Madman, Matt Muhling on the electric guit, the great John Dees on the keys, and indeed the backbone, D Madness on the bass guitar, everybody. Very exciting stuff ahead. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Share comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? We're gonna have a lot of fun. You know, we've had a lot of. We have debuted a lot of guests on this show. I remember when it was Shane Gillis first time. I remember Tim Dillon's first time. I remember Adam Ray's first time. A lot of the greatest guests in our history. It all starts with one appearance. This is this guy's first time on as a guest. One of the top young rising comedians out of New York has a brand new special out on YouTube. Makes the noise for the great Louis Katz, everybody. It's Louie, everyone. Not that Louie. It's another Louie. It's Louie Katz. Let's sit here, Louie. Let's slide on down. Fuck yeah. Louie Katz new special, present tense at Louis Katz Comedy on on YouTube. Welcome to the show, Louis.

[C]

Thanks for having me. You know what? I did do it once before, but it was like 12 people in the comedy Store.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah, a long, long time ago.

[A]

Shit, I had no idea about that. Sorry. We're gonna. Let's take it from the top. No, I'm kidding. Wow. That's amazing. Who else was on that episode?

[C]

It was me and Full sron.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Wow. All right. Okay. Well, here we are. Now we're in. Now this is big.

[C]

This is a whole nother. There was no band. This is a whole nother thing.

[A]

It's a whole nother fucking thing altogether. It turns out this is the number one live podcast in the world.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

But, Louie, you might remember how it works. An absolute buttload. We did the measurements. It was a buttload of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions and we find out more about them and anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised. You guys ready to have some fucking fun tonight, huh? So I go into the bucket and I pre pool a name and they go get them from next door. And we're going to start the show. Believe it or not, this might blow your fucking mind. We're gonna start the show with one of our regulars. Everybody. This guy blatantly lived in a van and barely had any money. He never hooked up with girls when we first met him. Two and a half years later, he's an international superstar. Wears a Rolex, drives fast cars, has a hot white girlfriend. Ladies and gentleme, you guys know the words. Sing it, Hans. Kim, everybody.

[D]

What's up? I don't know if you guys have noticed, but the space between my eyebrows and my eyes is very large. You know, right here and my eyes start right there. I'm one of the few people that can express anger and surprise with aviator sunglasses on. It almost got me a role on Top Gun, too.

[E]

No.

[D]

Goose. Damn Russians. Thank you. I think that the penis is the superior peeing mechanism. The only side effects are rape and murder, but other than that, the penis is superior. I do not give a fuck about polar bears. Sorry. Polar bears. I don't give a fuck about you. Sorry. You evolved to camouflage against something that melts. Try the sky or water next time. Some helpful tips for the polar bears. All right, thank you.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, Jesus, Hans. Fuck you guys. Oh, shit.

[F]

He's mad.

[A]

Folks, we got a mad Hans Kim here doing jokes for the polar bears. To the polar bears. That's a first. You have a lot of polar bears in your fan base, Hans.

[D]

A lot of white gay men. So.

[A]

Okay, so let's go back to this peeing mechanism. Penis peeing mechanism thing, because that's where I got confused. I don't know about anybody else. Let's go back. What are you saying? Penis is a perfect mechanism for peeing?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And. But it's bad for rape and for murder.

[D]

It's bad because the side effects include

[A]

rape and murder, getting raped and being murdered.

[D]

No, it causes rape and murder.

[A]

But why would a penis cause murder?

[D]

Because it has testosterone and evil juices.

[A]

You think that's where the testosterone goes? You think it goes to your penis from your brain and throat, puts off chemicals in your penis.

[D]

I'm sure it couldn't help. I mean, if you have murderous thoughts, try chopping your dick off.

[A]

I think it's. Actually. I think chopping your dick off might cause more murderous thoughts. I think it's the balls, the testicles, which would hold the. Which would be the main. I think cutting off your penis would force you to not be able to come. So then your balls would have even more. Does this make sense at all?

[C]

Is there a trans person here who could help with this?

[A]

I don't. I believe Hans thinks come. Comes from your penis, everybody. This is what we're finding out right now.

[D]

Well, the penis causes murder. You know, like, lots of men, you know, get rageful because they have a penis and they want to stick it in things. So if you don't have a penis and you don't want to murder as much.

[C]

How many murders have you done?

[D]

17.

[C]

Wow. All on stage.

[D]

Hell yeah. Just not in front of this audience.

[A]

Interesting. Has your penis ever led you to want to actually kill somebody?

[D]

Yeah, it has.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't know how much I should reveal, but yes, I have had murderous thoughts. You know, haven't we all?

[A]

Wow. I don't know how much I should reveal is one of the scariest things I've ever heard you say. Every week for two and a half years we've been doing this, and that's pretty frightening. What can you. Why don't we just reveal everything and then we'll edit out if you've actually murdered somebody. Hans is extremely honest. For those of you that don't follow the show closely, he cannot lie. He's like, George, who was it that didn't lie?

[G]

George Washington?

[A]

Johnny Appleseed? Oh, the stripper thinks it was Abe Lincoln. Yeah, it was Abe Lincoln. Oh, my goodness, you are. The red rose girls would never get that right. That's a true yellow rose. Abe Lincoln. Oh, yeah. Tip of the bucket hat to us. Absolutely. Hell yeah. You want to know her, go with the boa. You know what I'm saying? Okay.

[D]

So when I was in high school, my dad wouldn't let me watch TV on the weekdays. And I punched a hole in the wall and I burned up a bunch of papers in the toilet, in the bathroom, in the sink. So that was. That was my. And then I cut my hand also. I cut little cuts in my hand.

[A]

You were a little cutter?

[D]

Yeah, I was just trying it out.

[A]

Did you end up getting attention from your parents from the cutting?

[D]

Yeah, it was just. They were kind of like pitying me. They thought I was pathetic, like.

[A]

Right, yeah.

[C]

Cutting yourself isn't a sign that you're a murderer. It's a sign that you might shop at Hot Topic or something like that. But this doesn't make you a murderer, thank God.

[D]

It just means I'm a pussy.

[C]

I was implying that, but you said it. Yes.

[A]

So the hole in the wall. How did you punch a hole in the wall? Oh, yes, Variation. Variation on the punch and the papers in the sink. What made you do that?

[D]

I think I just wanted to watch something burn. I think I was actually trying to like forge my parents signature on our band's timesheet for saying I practice the trumpet and I was trying to forzer signature and I messed up. So I burned up a bunch of them. But it was pretty thrilling for me.

[A]

Wow. What was the worst punishment you ever got from your parents? You seem like a very rebellious Korean boy.

[D]

The TV Thing was pretty harsh, in my opinion. No TV on the weekdays. Another thing that they did to me was, you know, when I was a little boy, my dad brought me upstairs and he hit my. My calf with, like, a stick.

[A]

He had a special stick?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Was it from outside or was it something else?

[D]

It was, like, from a TV antenna or something. And he was like, see, I need to hit you. This is for your own good. Here, I'll hit myself. And he hit himself. And then he's like, okay, now I get to hit you. And I was like, this is so weird. This is, like, even worse than if you just beat me.

[A]

Yeah, Louie.

[C]

Sounds vaguely sexual, I would say. Sounds kind of hot.

[A]

Yeah. You have a ball gag in during this. I don't want to hear you cry. Put the ball gag in your mouth. I hit me and then I hit you. You've been a bad boy.

[C]

You're so much more masculine when you're Korean.

[A]

It's really impressive. I have a fully grown Korean man deep inside me. Not the first time, anyway. All right, Hans. Well, you got tonight's show started. You fucking did it again. Anything else you want to say? You seem like you have fucking something on your mind. Seems like you have unfinished business up here.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. You guys must not think about polar bears as much as I do. But, yes, I'll come back and I got some new bits that I'm trying to work on.

[A]

I love it, Hans. Everything's good. Just. You have one of the hardest jobs in fucking standup. William has a bunch of amazing trademark things he can do. Cam is still in his first six months of doing it. He's burning through material, writing new material and this and that. You've been doing this for two and a half years. It's not easy to do what you do. Don't take it hard on yourself, but you did kind of bomb tonight. But don't take it that hard on yourself. It's the craziest thing in fucking comedy history to have to do a new minute every week with millions of people watching. Literally, people don't make it a minute into most of the specials that go out nowadays, like, on fucking Netflix and shit.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Both of the band members just said it's true at the same time, just to let you know how spot on I am. I spot on I am fuck.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, it's crazy what you do, Louie.

[C]

Yeah, don't be so hard on yourself. Just go back home and get back to cutting yourself.

[A]

Yeah, you did pretty good. My only. All that I ask is 10 hail marys and 5 self whips with an antenna. There he goes. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. Did I pull a second name out yet? That's first. Second. Ooh, that's inside. Look at that. Oh, that's inside. Go let him know that he's up second. That's incredible. All right, your first comedian tonight out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together. I think you guys know how this works. This is where we found everybody. Anything can happen. Everybody has a chance. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Austin Young, everybody. Austin Young.

[H]

What's going on, guys? What's up? You guys drinking tonight? Dude, I fucking love drinking. I drink a lot of beer. Love Bud Light. Fucking love it, dude. Just want to say as a man with a dick and tits, it's so great to finally have a beer that makes me feel seen. I fucking. Hell yeah. I fucking. I love drinking, dude. I can't smoke weed. Fucking. I'm too dumb regularly. Like. And I get even dumber when I'm high. Like, I got really high and I was at this park, I was walking, and there was this Indian family ahead of me. And when I say Indian, I mean, you know, there's two types you got and. But it was these guys and I was listening to them talk. They were speaking Hindi and then English and then back to Hindi. I was so high. I was like, wait, can I understand them? And then I started listening to some more and they were speaking Hindi and then English and then they just kept speaking English and I slowly started to realize that they were speaking English the whole time. Thank you, guys. That's my time. Thank you.

[A]

Austin Young with his Kiltoni debut. Am I correct? This is your first time? Look at you. You're adorable.

[H]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

You look like if Kevin James ate Kevin James.

[H]

That's right.

[A]

It's amazing. You got an applause break with your very first joke. We got word in immediately that Hans was so mad, he lit papers on fire. Fire in the sink. The current. Currently, one of the sinks has papers burning in it. But you're wearing a fire department shirt. Do you work at the fire department?

[H]

I do not. This is my brother's station here, so I'm just repping his station here in Matt Lach, Florida.

[A]

Stolen valor. All right.

[H]

That's right.

[A]

Thought you were a goddamn hero.

[H]

No, I'm a. I'm a truck driver and I shovel horseshit on the side.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense. The only 911 you're part of is when you look at the number on the scale.

[H]

Yeah, that's right. I'm a big boy.

[A]

You a big, big boy? I love it. So what do you do for work?

[H]

I'm a truck driver and I shovel horseshit.

[A]

Shovel horse?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. How often do you shovel horseshit?

[H]

Like every weekend.

[A]

Every weekend? How many hours on a weekend do you.

[H]

Just depends how much they eat. So.

[A]

Right.

[C]

This guy has a job from another time. I know people still did that. That's incredible.

[H]

That's pretty cool.

[C]

Well, just. Do you have. Do you have to find the horse or how do you.

[H]

No, no, my. It's a horse boarding spot. So then I just shovel horseshit.

[A]

When you say shoveling horseshit, is it. Is it like real horseshit or is it like Hans's polar bear joke from earlier?

[H]

No, it's real horseshit. They're thoroughbreds dressage and it's pretty cool.

[A]

Thoroughbred is another bread that you love.

[H]

Yeah, I prefer sourdough, honestly, but I don't mind.

[A]

Absolutely. I like your style. So you live in Florida?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

What part.

[H]

I'm from Fort Myers originally.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah. Anybody?

[A]

And you drive trucks all around the country or what?

[H]

I used to. Now I'm local.

[A]

You're local?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

What are you doing? You delivering stuff?

[H]

Yeah, I deliver parts. Car parts.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

For gm. So that's pretty cool. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, absolutely. And what do you do for fun?

[H]

This.

[A]

How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[H]

I've been doing it for four years.

[A]

Four years. All of it in Fort Myers, all over Florida.

[H]

And then I just moved here about a year ago.

[A]

You live. You moved to Austin?

[H]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Amazing. And your name is Austin Young.

[H]

Yes, I know.

[A]

And you're new to Austin?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

And you're Austin Young?

[H]

Yes. All right.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Easy to remember.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. Until you've been here a while.

[H]

I know. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So other than stand up comedy, what do you do for fun? You seem like you have some hobbies. You have like a little. One of those little miniature train sets or something like that? Put on a special hat. Take it very seriously.

[H]

Trains are pretty dop. I like. I watch a lot of movies and shit I got.

[A]

Are you allowed to watch movies on the weekdays?

[H]

Sometimes. If I'm like, really good, my parents will let me.

[A]

Right.

[H]

It's pretty dope. But yeah, I'm a boring guy. Dude.

[A]

How old are you?

[H]

I am almost 30.

[A]

Okay. Why'd you laugh when you answered?

[H]

Because People just think I'm so young.

[A]

I'm like, right? Yeah, I thought you were.

[H]

I have that sweet baby. I have a sweet baby face.

[A]

You do. Very, very sweet. And by sweet, I mean diabetic.

[H]

That's

[A]

so, Austin, do you have any special skills or talents other than standup comedy?

[H]

If I stand up too fast, I get dizzy.

[A]

Full applause break by the crew. Look at that. I love it. The Kill Tony team loves that response. We love honesty here. A little fun fact about killing in the interview is just be honest.

[H]

Gotcha.

[A]

If you're honest, it automatically works. And you are. We believe that you get dizzy.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you ever. Have you ever passed out or anything like that?

[H]

Nine. No.

[A]

Whoa, whoa. Geez Louise. I mean, it's a medical condition, but I.

[H]

It is. And all those people that faint are so.

[I]

Wow.

[A]

That's absolutely.

[H]

Power through it. Just grab a wall. You'll be good.

[A]

Tony Soprano was a. I do. Oh, my God. Wow.

[H]

That's on site.

[A]

Oh, sight.

[H]

Guess who's standing, though.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[H]

He's dead, right?

[A]

Yeah, he was. He was. He. But he died older than you will ever be. So it's kind of a catch Tony too, over there. You know what I mean? Rest in peace. The great James Gandolfini, one of the best television actors of all time. Anyway, what would be we be surprised to know about you, Austin Young's a little fun fact about your life.

[H]

Fun fact?

[G]

I don't know, dude.

[H]

I don't have many fun facts.

[G]

I'm a boring dude.

[A]

Is your brother that's a firefighter more fit than you?

[H]

Of course. Obviously.

[A]

Well, I mean, I don't know. He could be the guy that, like, catches everybody when they come down the pole or something like that. In charge of feeding the dalmatian or something.

[H]

I'd eat all the dalmatians food. That would. That's not too. That's not good responsibility.

[C]

But he could lie on the ground when they jump out the window and they just land on him.

[A]

I love it. Austin, what's your love life like?

[H]

I love life too. Too Great. I just. I get so much, it's insane. I can't stop getting laid. It's a real problem.

[A]

Are you being sarcastic?

[H]

No, dude. A.

[A]

Are you being sarcastic now?

[H]

No, dude.

[A]

How about now?

[H]

No, no, you said.

[A]

Remember when I said the honest part?

[H]

I know. That's why I'm being honest.

[A]

Okay. Where do you get all this from,

[H]

you fat, just tender dude.

[A]

Really?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

So you really do get a ton of.

[H]

I do. All right.

[A]

And by a Ton of. I mean, one of the girls you hook up with at a time.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Cuz they're heavily overweight.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

You reverse catfish them.

[H]

I do. They're never ready.

[A]

They're like, catfish you. They do just always a double catfish hookup you have. You're like, I'm disappointed and so are you. Let's

[H]

just a couple cute. Snorlax is just. It's pretty cool.

[A]

I love it. So you really get them off Tinder? Like their most recent hookup. When was that?

[H]

Last week.

[A]

Explain to us how that goes down. This is a one night stand.

[H]

Family's watching this. They never even knew that I had sex before.

[A]

You are correct. Everyone thinks you're a virgin.

[G]

I know.

[H]

That's so crazy.

[A]

I'm not gonna believe it until I actually get through this story. I'm still not convinced.

[H]

Oh, she was in an open relationship deal so she just came over and.

[A]

Hold on. Slow it down. So someone messages you on Tinder. You swipe. How does this work? Take it from the beginning.

[H]

I just keep swiping until I run out of swipes and then I just see what the Lord blessed me with. So that's usually how I go and

[C]

it's called trolling for bottom feeders. That's what that is. It's just.

[H]

That's right.

[A]

Right.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

And so what happens? You invite her over?

[H]

Yeah. So she came over. We.

[A]

It smells like horseshit in here.

[H]

She came.

[A]

Oh, you have some audio from your living room right now because you're shoveling the horses that live with you. She comes over. What happens?

[H]

She comes over. She wanted to smoke some weed and I haven't. I haven't smoked in a while.

[A]

Yeah, you get really dizzy when you stand up.

[H]

Yeah. Let's just say I didn't stand up that day. I just stayed on the seated. So. And I got too high and then I really couldn't stand her and I wanted her to leave.

[A]

What was so annoying about this lady?

[H]

Oh, she's gonna hear this.

[A]

No one cares. You don't have to say that before every question. What was your school like? Well, my teachers might be listening, but. Jesus, answer the question.

[H]

She just wouldn't shut the up. I was trying to. Were watching a movie. I was into the movie. I liked it.

[A]

What was the movie?

[H]

Oh my God.

[A]

Answer the questions.

[H]

It was Storks. It's a cute ass movie on Netflix.

[A]

Oh my God.

[H]

It's animated. It's adorable.

[A]

You say cute ass movie.

[H]

It's a cute movie.

[A]

Oh my God.

[H]

She said she wanted to watch stuff in anime. I said, let's watch Storks. It's the cutest movie ever.

[A]

You.

[C]

You denied for cartoons. What the.

[H]

No, I still got the. I just.

[F]

All right.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[H]

I just.

[A]

Storker and Porker. You know what I mean? That's what I always say. I know what's going on. Hell, yeah. Yeah, Absolutely. So about how long through Storks do you make your move?

[H]

I didn't. I was too high. And then she kind of made the first move, and I just let it happen. It's. And then it's like she just tried to go again. And I'm like. I'll be honest. I'm way too high, and I'm very sleepy.

[A]

Do you watch Storks a lot? No. How many times do you think you've watched it?

[H]

That was my second time, so that's why I was like. I really liked it the first time I watched it, and I was, like, really looking forward to seeing it again. And this bitch wouldn't shut the fuck up. So it's an adorable movie, Right?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Okay, so then what happens?

[H]

She's like, I can go if you want.

[A]

And then what'd you say?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. No, before that. The sex part. Like, what happens first?

[H]

She blew me.

[A]

Okay, so what is your. You guys are sitting on a couch.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. And she just starts doing that?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Pretty cool.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Do you have to, like. Do you have to, like, scoot down so your belly isn't over your jaw? How does that work when you're morbidly obese?

[H]

You've seen Peter Griffin when he was naked, right?

[A]

No.

[H]

Okay. You never watched Family Guy?

[A]

All of us. Fuck the animated shit, dude.

[H]

You can watch it and not.

[A]

Can you get hard without a cartoon on in the background?

[D]

No.

[H]

It's got to be on, dude.

[A]

Okay, so she's blowing you, and then what happens?

[H]

I come so hard.

[A]

Oh, so that's it.

[H]

I mean, what do you think? She was blowing me. That's like.

[A]

But, I mean. So no sex, Nothing for her? You throw one of those meaty fingers in there or anything? Look at those hangers you got. Look at those trucker hands, dude. You got that. You got that muscle milk running through you. Yeah, there it is. Is that what it sounds like when you come. Here? Do it again. It's my impression of you coming.

[H]

It's pretty spot on, Tony.

[A]

Hell, yeah. All right, Austin. Well, welcome to the show. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book for a big man.

[H]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Austin, young ladies and gentlemen. All right, this is very cool. We know this guy. He's on the inside because we know this guy. We love this guy. He was. He was a makeshift random friend that we made very, very early on. He was really just working security and hanging out with us and smoking a bunch of weed for a few months. And then he started doing stand up himself. He's been on the show a couple times. He's. He's. He works a lot. So I'm excited to see a brand new minute from our friend Hank Garza, ladies and gentlemen. Big Hank. Big Hank Garza. Come on, make some noise for Hank, everybody.

[J]

I get it. You're thinking, hey, beaner Ray Cyrus, tell us a joke in espanol. Well, here you go. En espanol, no sedice. Ren and Stimpy looking motherfuckers. En espanol sedice. Tony Hinchcliffe, E. Brian Redband looking motherfuckers. I believe anything could be a cum rag if you have enough regret. I grew up in South Texas. We did things a little different. That's right. We weren't exposed to white wine like the rest of y'.

[G]

All.

[J]

When somebody asked me, hank, what's your favorite white wine? I'd say, you're in America. Speak English. Do y' all like impressions? Here you go.

[A]

Ah, my dick.

[F]

Where's my dick?

[J]

That is somebody that got a sex change, but then got Alzheimer's later in life.

[A]

Sir.

[J]

One more, one more. All right, here we go. One more. I need somebody to act stupid, retarded. You right there. Do it. The future ladies and gentlemen and golden ticket winner. Thank you. That's my time.

[A]

All right. Hank Garza. Hank Garza coming out angry. Look at him smiling now. But he comes out like, who the fuck likes impressions out here? So angry. It's very, very, very aggressive comedy.

[J]

My bad.

[A]

What do you think happened there? Like, look at you. This is who you really are. Look how happy you are. Why do you think you're scary when you're trying to be funny and funny when you're not?

[J]

I don't know, man. It just comes out. That's just the way.

[A]

That's just how it comes. Interpretation.

[J]

Maybe nerves.

[A]

Yeah, maybe nerves. And you're implying that we only have golden ticket winners here on the show.

[J]

I mean, the record speaks for itself, so.

[A]

But, you know, none of them are right. You know, cerebral palsy and being retarded are two different things.

[J]

It's still the Special Olympics, so.

[A]

Okay, well, okay, it's pretty incredible because, I mean, the one guy that Is retarded. Jared Nathan kills all the time and he doesn't come out like como sedice running stimpy. But meanwhile you're trying to take digs at mentally challenged people.

[J]

Came out swinging, dude, what do you expect, man?

[A]

You should try it like mellow sometime. The same jokes. I bet it would work so much better. Yeah. Do you, do, do you perform like that when you're doing like the shows out in Timbuktu or whatever?

[J]

No.

[A]

As you could tell from the vest that he's wearing, he's a true Texan Hard nipple or somewhere.

[J]

My glasses, I don't wear glasses.

[A]

Thank you, Red Band for your observations. So hang, tell us, how's it been going? How long you been on stand up now?

[J]

A year and a half.

[A]

Year and a half. And you're big man. Been doing it a year and a half. How's that going for you?

[J]

Not bad. I mean, it could be best, it could be better, but I mean, it's all on me, just out here grinding.

[G]

Uh huh.

[J]

That's it, dude.

[A]

I mean, yeah, no, I get it. And what else is going on in life? Tell us more about.

[J]

It's falling apart, dude. The fuck you want me to say? Anybody else going through some shit?

[A]

Holy. Tell us about it.

[K]

I'm scared.

[A]

What are you willing to talk about here?

[J]

I'm going through addiction. I'm trying to get my family back. What the, dude? Trying to get this comedy together. Trying to make y' all laugh. That's how it's going, dog. That's how it's going. So you wonder why somebody comes out here just swinging.

[A]

It's Edanami. Wow. Well, I don't want to end up being your comerag tonight, so I'm a little bit nervous about what I'm gonna say next here. Louie, you ever seen anything quite this scary before in your life?

[C]

No, not that. No. He's pretty scary. I mean, during the act I thought it was scary. You should say that. You're Mexican. I didn't know you were Mexican when you came out, so that joke kind of went over my head.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

I don't know, you could be Arab, which would be scarier to me, but. Why don't you talk about the addiction and the stuff that you're going through instead of making someone else do an impression for you?

[A]

That is a good question. Why don't you talk about the serious stuff going on in your life? Do you have just jokes about that?

[J]

No, not yet. It's just. No, I don't have any Jokes. I don't think it's that funny. Right?

[A]

It seems like we do. It's pretty hilarious to us.

[G]

Oh, I bet.

[A]

Amazing. So you're trying to get your family back? What happened to your family? Did they get deported?

[J]

Yeah, man. They got here before. They weren't dreamers. Nah. I mean, you know, just some. Some stuff happens with the family, and sometimes, you know, daddy just has to step away. That's it.

[A]

That's what my dad did.

[J]

Yeah. No, they didn't. No. I'm around, though, but. Yeah, it's a little complicated, but, you know.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[J]

Any other 10 years of marriage, dude, I mean, you're gonna have your ups and downs.

[A]

Jesus Christ. You are? Are you sure? The addiction problems that you mentioned. Did you perhaps do a little bit of blow before coming up here tonight? No, no, no, no, no. Any special skills or talents other than comedy?

[J]

I sang last time.

[F]

I don't know.

[J]

I do a lot of yoga, but I'm not about to flex my ass.

[A]

Don't do yoga. What did you sing last time? Like a Mexican song?

[J]

Yeah, Mariachi. I was in my.

[A]

All right, do it again real quick. Let's get some energy in the room because you. I think a lot of the audience.

[J]

Yeah, we gotta bring this up.

[A]

One, two. One, two, three, four. It's a ring of fire, everybody. Oh, I feel it. Okay.

[I]

Yeah.

[J]

I sing in Spanish. I sing in Espanol.

[A]

Holy. I love it. Well, Hank, you already have joke books. Fun times. Congratulations. Next time, smile. I'm telling you, it's going to be 100 different.

[G]

All right, I will.

[A]

How about a hand for Hank Garza, everybody? Wow. Over two for our insiders tonight, Hans and Hank. It's gonna be an angry green room right now. A lot of tension in there. Austin Young is out there having the time of his life. So let's go back to the bucket again. Let's see what happens here. Makes noise for your next poll. 60 seconds for Tim Harris, everybody. Tim Harris.

[L]

I like to keep up with the space news. I stay really in tuned. There's a. I learned recently there's a hole in the sun size of 60 Earths. But don't freak out. NASA released an update. A new celestial body is coming from outer space. It's going to fill the hole. They're naming it the uncle.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

So don't fret. I would have liked to. I would have liked to grow up in ancient Greece. I think, like, growing up in the US Is cool, but ancient Greece would be cooler. Like, you just get to Sit around thinking about thinking. Having orgies with your friends. Fucking boys. It's just a freer society and they gotta look at the stars and shit. And speaking of fucking boys. I grew up Catholic, and, yeah, it's always odd to me that priests, they pray, but they're predators. I don't know. It always confused me. Thank you.

[A]

Okay. They pray about the predators. Tim Harris?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Welcome, Tim. How are you?

[L]

I'm well, dude. I'm. My leg's shaking, but I'm here and I'm present.

[A]

Okay. Leg is shaking. This is your first time on the show, right?

[L]

Yes.

[A]

How long you been doing standup?

[L]

Two years, but, like, three months consistently.

[A]

Three months consistently. Okay.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[L]

I work at a dog kennel.

[A]

A dog kennel?

[L]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Hang out with dogs all day, dude. Yeah. You're like a real stoner. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You look like you sleep on a surfboard. How long have you worked at a dog kennel?

[L]

I. I put in my. I got two weeks in.

[A]

You're two weeks in?

[L]

I'm two weeks in.

[A]

What's the longest you've ever had a job? Because you. You said that like you were very proud of you.

[L]

Year and a half, I think.

[A]

Two weeks under my belt, Tony. Unbelievable. What do you do at the dog kennel?

[L]

Dude, I clean up shit.

[A]

Everybody here shoveling shit? Very interesting. Everybody here shoveling absolute shit. There you go. There's your one fart sound for the episode. Brought to you by Redban, everybody. Okay, so you're shoveling shit, Louis.

[C]

I just. It was crazy. You talked about, like, the stars. You talked about Greek history. It's a lot of nerdy topics. But you also seem kind of dumb at the same time, and it's such a weird contrast. Like, who calls it the space news? That seems.

[L]

I'm into Star Wars. I am pretty dumb.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Hit the space news. Gotta keep up with the space news. Where do you get your space news from?

[L]

Shit, dude. TikTok.

[A]

Fuck yeah, dude. Abso fucking lutely. TikTok all the way, dude. Hell yeah. So you're a big Star wars fan?

[B]

I am.

[A]

That's why you have that Luke Skywalker haircut. I love it. Absolutely. You have a. Did you have a dad in your life?

[L]

I did, yeah. He's good. I still do.

[A]

Right? Yeah. Huh. He. He.

[L]

He actually just started getting into gaming recently.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

And it's. It's. It's nice because my mom always used to get fucking pissed at me, and now she's yelling like, dad, get down to dinner.

[G]

And he's like, one second, like, I'm

[H]

in a multiplayer lobby.

[A]

Your mom doesn't play games at all.

[L]

No, she does not.

[A]

You think that if she knew that some of the controllers vibrate, that she might.

[L]

I think so. Yeah.

[A]

Right. Because your mom's a horny bitch.

[L]

I once.

[A]

Did you know that? Did you know that? Did you know that, Tim? Did you know that about your mom?

[C]

No.

[A]

Did you know she's a horny bitch? I think you did. I think you did, Tim. I think you had a little bit of an idea.

[F]

Okay.

[A]

So how old are you?

[L]

I'm 25.

[A]

25 years old. Been doing it seriously for three months. What else are you up to? What are 25 year old stoner fucking nerd dorks up to?

[L]

I was doing like trail work, so I was living all around the US did that for two years.

[A]

Trail work?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you mean by that?

[L]

So just like swinging like tools at the ground, just making trails.

[A]

You made trails?

[L]

Yeah, like prison labor, you know, But.

[A]

But you did it just on your own, dude.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

So you're just ruining parks?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

No, no, they love us.

[L]

They love us.

[A]

Who's us? The trail workers. The trail makers. Or workers. But you weren't really working. What were you getting paid?

[L]

Not well.

[A]

But they paid you?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Where were you making trails at?

[L]

Mammoth Caves. Kentucky.

[A]

Florida. Speaking of Mammoth Caves, how's your mom's vagina, dude? You know what I'm saying, dude? What's up, dude? Yeah, horny. I normally don't make fun of people's moms like this, but there's something about you makes me want to do it.

[L]

Go in.

[A]

Seem like you're easy to bully.

[L]

I am. I've been bullied like for three hours straight in the kill tone. Like, what?

[A]

What have they been saying to you?

[L]

They've been like, I'm gonna rape you.

[A]

Wow. This is what it's like. If you listeners around the world have ever wondered what's it like, waiting in hopes, hoping to get pulled out of Kelsonia. People built like Hank saying, I'm gonna rape you.

[C]

Do you keep him in a jail cell? Why is there so much rape?

[A]

Wow. Yeah, it is a. It's, you know, it's one of my productions, so. I mean, butt rape comes along. Oh, this guy's got to go jerk off real quick. Look at this guy. All this talk about butt rape. Anyway, what would we be surprised to know about you, Tim Harris?

[L]

I got one ball.

[A]

Whoa.

[I]

Gross.

[A]

Look at that. Wow. The biggest applause break you got here today.

[L]

I'll take it. I'll take what I can get.

[A]

What? How did you end up with one ball?

[L]

It just got twisted. Got twisted when I was young.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. Were you sleeping? Were you doing an athletic thing?

[L]

No, I was a baby. It was just like.

[A]

You were a baby?

[L]

Yeah, I was a baby.

[A]

Like how? Like a true baby?

[K]

Like a true baby.

[L]

Bigger balls? Like. Yeah, I was a little baby. Yeah, like an infant. Less than six months.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

And I was still a sperm donor. One ball.

[A]

You're a sperm donor?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

How often do you do that?

[L]

Dude, I'm retired now. They retired me.

[A]

They. They put your number up on the ceiling and lower it. Number one for how many balls you have?

[L]

No, they did. I did it for like a year, and then one day I came in and they were like, we have enough.

[A]

Yeah, they're like, you're high as and you have one ball, you weirdo. Get out of here. You broke? Hell yeah. Okay. What's your love life like? You swinging that ball around, Dude. You out there making trails, Dude. You out there working the kennel, Dude. Uncle.

[I]

Making those dogs bark?

[L]

I got the most action I've gotten was getting threatened to be raped, like, pretty recently.

[A]

Look at that. You live in Austin?

[L]

I do, yeah.

[A]

Right. How long have you lived here?

[L]

I moved in August.

[A]

Okay, so you haven't been with a girl since moving here?

[L]

No, I hooked up with a girl about a month ago.

[A]

Okay, what happened there?

[L]

I came over. One of the first things I told her, I told her I wanted to be a stand up comedian and she laughed in my face, so that was refreshing.

[A]

Everyone's bullying.

[L]

Yeah, I hit it.

[A]

What? Everyone's bullying him like the women, like every single person is. Yeah. You let her fucking talk to you like that?

[L]

Dude. Dude, I'm a bitch, Tony.

[A]

I'm like, absolutely. Leave it to you to drop the ball. Yeah, Got me, dude. Okay, so. All right. Interesting. Very interesting. What scares you, Tim Harris?

[L]

Bees.

[I]

Ooh.

[A]

Very fast dancer there. Yeah, absolutely. What happens? Were you like the kid from. What's that? Macaulay Culkin movie? Girl? Go Go Girl. My girl.

[L]

I don't know what happened in that

[A]

movie, you young bitch. Yeah, it's legendary, dude. Macaulay Culkin guy got stung by bees and died.

[L]

Oh, shit. That's like my worst nightmare. So, no, I stepped on a ground. Hornet nest.

[A]

Oh, there it is. Look out. All right, interesting. So what do you think's gonna happen here with the stand up comedy stuff? What's the goal.

[L]

The goal, honestly, right now is just to get paid for a show at some point. Feel good about the time that I've spent doing it, but I'd like to go ahead of that.

[A]

Right, well, you've started. It takes a. It takes a lot of ball to. But you got the ball rolling, so it's very good for you. Excited for New Year's Eve to drop the ball again.

[L]

Yeah, I'll have my fingers crossed.

[A]

It was. It was a ball dropping performance here tonight. Here is much like your ball sack of tiny, tiny jug Buck. There you go. Tim Harris, everybody. All right, let's get to that. Let's do one more of these. All right, make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Back to the bucket from Ivory Jones, everybody. Ivory Jones. Oh, make some noise for Ivory Jones, everyone.

[E]

Hey, I'm Ivory Jones out here looking like a fucking Cypress Hill roadie right now, all right? I know what I fucking look like, y'. All. I look like the hobbit from the hood. Like Bilbo Baggins. But if you only sold weed and mixtapes out the Shire.

[A]

All right?

[E]

Now, everybody's always told me, ivory, you gotta wear pants on stage. Real comics wear pants on stage, ivory. I'm 4 foot tall with a 48 inch waist. They don't make this goddamn pant size, okay? Any of y' all out there finds a 4826 for sale, you buy them shits, mail them to me, I'll cash app your ass. Money bet. Shit, man, you imagine some Asian sweatshop worker at the end of her shift? That 48, 26 coming down the line?

[A]

Who this fool?

[E]

Humpty Dumpty? I'm just trying to tell y' all I'm too tall to be a dwarf. I'm not quite tall enough to be a real person. I could be the Andre the Giant of midget wrestling tomorrow, though, Tony. All right, let's fucking go.

[A]

All right, Ivory James, taking the note that we gave hang coming out, a lot of smiles. Seemed like a happy guy.

[E]

I waited a long time to be here, man. I appreciate it.

[A]

I love it. I like your style. You put the low in cholo.

[E]

I'm not really Mexican, but I got a lot of jokes about that because everybody thinks I'm Mexican, bro.

[A]

How are you not Mexican?

[E]

I don't know either.

[A]

You look like you could have gone under the wall.

[E]

Hell yeah, man. Hell yeah. I like it. I like then Irish, Italian, Mexican in Texas.

[A]

Seriously, what are you?

[E]

Irish, Italian and native American? Yeah, my great grandmother's full blood. My great grandmother's full blood Indian.

[A]

Right, right. And then what kind of Irish? Where does the. How much. How much Irish did your parents.

[E]

Short fat people that drink a lot. I. I don't really know. On my. On my grandfather's side, though, they are Irish. Absolutely, absolutely.

[A]

Okay. For sure, for sure. Short round people not seeing it at all whatsoever.

[E]

I look Mexican, bro.

[A]

I know.

[E]

I get it every day.

[A]

Okay. What type of. Do you shovel for work, man?

[E]

I tell you, no one's ever answered it like this, man. I breed reticulated pythons for a living. Rare morphology of such. Make a full time career selling snakes on the Internet, man.

[A]

Whoa. You sell snakes on the Internet?

[E]

And hot sauce that I make and grow the peppers for. I hustle pig. All.

[A]

All from the same bathtub every day. This is incredible.

[E]

I sell many pigs out the back of an El Camino on Saturday sometimes, sir.

[A]

Out back of an El Camino. And you swear you're not Mexican?

[E]

I swear to Christ, bro. No oranges. Just pigs for sale.

[A]

This is absolutely incredible. Like that? Hell yeah. Definitely. Hell yeah. Okay, so how. How. How much money do you make selling snakes, man?

[E]

You know, on a good year, 60 to $70,000 is pretty average. 16 to 60 to $70,000 a year is a pretty good average income. It costs a lot to do what I do too. So half of that goes back into feeding, housing, heating, keeping all these guys alive.

[A]

Tiny mice. Do you have any?

[E]

That was a entire business I ran for a very long time. They kind of priced me out of it. The feed keeps going. Everything keeps going. Right. Exactly, exactly. So now I sell pigs to supply my rodents for my other animals. Something feeds something all the way down the fucking chain, man.

[A]

I get the feeling you're eating all of it.

[E]

My smoker stays busy, sir.

[A]

Louie, what do you think about this?

[C]

I think. I think your house must smell really bad.

[E]

I smoke enough weed to keep it fucking under wraps, bro.

[C]

Does someone live there with you?

[E]

No, I'm single currently. But I have had people that have lived there with me in the past. Absolutely.

[C]

In the Snake Zone.

[E]

In the Snake Zone, for sure. It's a weird little niche, man, but I. I made my world in it, right?

[A]

So, my goodness. These snakes ever bite you?

[E]

Oh, that's part of the game, bro.

[A]

For sure. For sure.

[E]

I almost died in my living room from the snake bite once upon a time, man.

[A]

Python.

[E]

From a very large python, Absolutely. No. Yeah. No, from a very large python. That I was being like, middleman. Trained, transporting. It had to be with me for about a week. I was sending it out to its new owner. I had my leg on top of this box it was going into, and it was bigger than the box. So when it flexed, I went in the box with it. It came out with me and its whole bottom jaw had the back in. It looks like a bear got me in the back of my knees.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Is that fat?

[E]

Yeah, that is fat. That was all just flopping out of there. It was rough. 100 like 30 seconds. Seven stitches, man. I had to tie a hoodie tourniquet around it. We tried to super glue it back in my living room because I don't do doctors.

[A]

A lot of Irish people end up with a hoodie tourniquet.

[E]

It's a miracle I'm alive, bro.

[A]

I like it. How old are you?

[E]

38 years old, man.

[A]

38. Okay. We're close to death.

[E]

Yeah, well, I guess we are, sir.

[A]

Oh, no, I was talking about you for sure. 38 years old. Where do you live?

[E]

Elmo, Texas, man. Which is like 45 minutes east of Dallas. I work the DFW comedy scene, though.

[A]

Okay, Absolutely. All right, so you're selling snakes, hot sauce and pigs.

[E]

And what else do you need?

[A]

How do you make the hot sauce?

[E]

I grow all the hottest peppers in the world and they're the top nine.

[J]

So we're.

[E]

We're into like that excessive heat stuff. And there's a really weird niche market for that too. Those really excessive hot peppers bring high end dollar amounts, man. Ten peppers on the Internet go for like 20 bucks.

[A]

How much do you make a year doing the hot.

[E]

Probably another 20 grand or so a year just hustling hot spots.

[A]

What was the third job you have?

[E]

Selling pigs and farm animals.

[A]

How much do you make a year selling pigs?

[E]

10, 15 grand a year?

[A]

About 100 grand a year.

[E]

That's about what I do, man. That's about what I do.

[A]

What do you like to spend some of this money on?

[E]

You know, it's crazy. I just put it all back into my businesses. Honestly, I never spend a dollar hardly on anything other than rolling my other business and continuing to grow everything it in a 10 by 10 bedroom with some snakes. And now I own a farm, kind of. So like, it just keeps kind of snowballing, man.

[A]

Oh, look at that. The Texas economy. The booming Texas economy respects that. The American dream.

[E]

Snakes and hot sauce.

[A]

Right. Or the Mexican dream. The Mexican dream. Right. Okay, so what else would we be surprised to know about you, ivory Jean. Oh, man. Jones.

[E]

Ivory Jones. Man, I've had a pretty wild ass life, man. I was a rapper for a while, man.

[A]

Really? You were a rapper?

[E]

I know, it's crazy.

[A]

The Notorious PIG

[E]

Y' all just had Michael White on the other day. He's an old friend of mine that I knew from the rap game. And now we kind of re met each other through this stuff. So, Spaghetti Guy, you're the spaghetti guy's good friend?

[A]

Wait, hold on.

[E]

I've known the spaghetti guy 10 years.

[A]

Stop, stop. Shut the upper. Sorry, Woody. How do you know the spaghetti guy?

[E]

Through the dfw. Used to have a Battle League group there and he was like the king of Battle League.

[A]

Did you ever go against him?

[E]

No, no, no, no, no. I was never a Battle Leaguer. I just kind of roll with those guys. I made music in the same realm.

[A]

Ask for a beat. We want to hear you rap. You guys want to hear this guy rap?

[E]

I've rapped with D Madness.

[L]

Okay.

[A]

No one cares now, you retard.

[E]

Hey, let's do it before.

[G]

Hell yeah.

[E]

Here we go.

[A]

Yeah. Here we go indeed. Ivory Jones, everybody.

[E]

Bring the thunder. Get lost in a storm A day in my life is like watching a porn Being this way since day I was born and only got worse since I started up Torn fun to the board that's the norm Purple pouring till we snow it Turn your girlfriend into a horror and then we out to.

[A]

I didn't understand a single word Anybody could do that. Hickory dickory dog up a dibba. Did.

[E]

Yeah, man. Yeah, man.

[A]

Slow it down. We want to hear what the you're saying. This is a show for words.

[C]

Oh.

[E]

All right.

[A]

So now we're going to really slow it down even more. Okay, Slower. There we go. Let's see if you really got any.

[E]

Bring the thunder get lost in storm

[A]

no, louder project Bring the thunder get

[E]

lost in the storm A day in my life is like watching a porn it's been this way since the day I was born it's only got worse since I started a torn yeah. Blunts in the morn that's just the norm Purple pouring til we store and turn your girlfriend into a whore and then we out talking a bum in my dick in a mouth licking a trap okay, stop digging a rap.

[A]

Stop, stop. Not bad, not bad. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I like your style, Ivory. You have a real good attitude, Louie.

[C]

Yeah, you definitely like M M's.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[H]

Hell yeah.

[A]

You ate Mile. Hell yeah. Goodness. Hell yeah. My goodness gracious. That is absolutely unbelievable. Ivory, you're such an interesting character.

[E]

Yeah, there's only one, bro.

[A]

That is true. That is true. I've never seen a 4628 before in my life. Or whatever it was. Yes, sir. I like your style, man. Welcome to the show. Here's a big joke book. There you go.

[E]

Appreciate you, brother.

[A]

Everybody. All right. Got a special treat for y'.

[L]

All.

[A]

One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An absolute fucking phenom, A sensation, if you will. This is a brand new minute from the one and the only Cam Patterson, everybody.

[I]

Hell, yeah.

[F]

So I'm. I'm living my dream right now, man. This the best ever happened to me. I'm doing a lot of. I wish I could have did as a kid. Like, I'm. I almost gotta be able to fuck a porn star. A couple days ago, I didn't. And I blame Uncle Lazer fully for that bullshit. We was in LA and there were three porn stars came to the show and they wanted to fuck, like, immediately. They was like, we gonna suck y' all dicks longer. We get back to the house. So all you had to do was get the bitches back to the house. That's it. All you had to do was get the bitches back to the house. I was finna get the condoms and the liquor, and then I was gonna get the bitches at the house, right? We get to the house and Uncle Lazar is there with no bitches, no hoes at all. It's an Uncle Lazar in his deep ass voice and dick hawk. He probably exited for no reason. He just ready to fuck something. He just hard as shit. Three niggas. It's me, him, and three other dudes around, right? No bitches. So I see the bitches drive off, and I'm naive, I'm a young guy. I said, oh, shit, are they finna go park? He was like, no, they leaving. They're getting out of here. And I'm like, why are they leaving? And he went, whoa, the porn star. We was in the car, we was kissing. That's crazy. This bitch sucked dick for a living. That's insane, right? Like, we was in the car and we were kissing. We was kissing a lot and stuff like that, you know what I'm saying? And out of nowhere, she got a text from her dad and he said he was finna kill himself. And her whole demeanor changed. I wanna tell y' all something, man. I hope that nigga is dead. I hope. Hope he is dead, dog. That my time.

[A]

I love it. I fucking Love it. That story originally came out in one of the interviews that we did, which I love to see you turning that into actual material. Incredible. How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson?

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Y. Rocking the vintage cowboy starter jacket. That thing is one of a kind. I mean, how the zipper is still on that thing that's like this ripped on the inside.

[F]

For real, like a.

[A]

Of course it would have to be that. I mean, they only made those in the very early 90s. Right.

[F]

I'm pretty sure Jolly is up there trying to buy it from me or steal it, whatever he trying to do.

[A]

Right? Steal it.

[F]

Let me hold that bit for a second. I wear that size, too. Yeah, I could fit that side like a.

[A]

Did you have a starter jacket in the early 90s? Of course. Raiders. Multiple starter jackets. Buckeyes. Yeah. I was a Dolphins fan growing up, so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[F]

I want to get a magic one. If anybody got a magic one you want to send me, you know what I'm saying? With a. Where the camera at?

[A]

I have no idea what you just said. I understood more of Ivory Jones's first rap than I understood about you.

[F]

Just when he saying words, bro.

[A]

That was crazy. That's what I heard, too. Would you say we should get matching starter jackets?

[F]

Should get matching starters. That'd be hard.

[A]

I like that idea. Hell, yeah. Gang violence.

[F]

That should be hard.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[F]

Gang violent.

[A]

Absolutely. What else is going on in your world, Cam Patterson now, you know, just

[F]

right minutes trying to, you know what I'm saying, Get it done. I'm. That's about it, dude. Trying to stay on top of you, know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yep.

[F]

A lot of pressure. So you got to keep you know what I'm saying going.

[A]

It is A lot of pressure. A lot of eyes watching. A lot of judgmental out there.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. Fucking him. We'll kill him later.

[A]

Absolutely.

[F]

We'll kill them later, dog.

[C]

Why'd you look right at me when you said that?

[I]

I don't know why.

[C]

It looked right in my eyes and

[I]

said, I like you, Lou.

[F]

You a good.

[A]

You know what, man? Hell yeah, you a good.

[F]

I love you, dog. We locked in, but other they can

[A]

die, you know, we can kill them real.

[C]

Yeah, we'll kill them.

[F]

We're gonna kill them together as a team, right?

[C]

Me and you.

[A]

L. Hell yeah. You just agreed to killing the other n words, you know?

[F]

Damn, Lou, you racist.

[A]

What the dare you. What are you agreeing to?

[C]

It sounds like a fun thing we could do together, you know, it's gonna be fun.

[F]

We'll have a good time.

[H]

Hell yeah.

[A]

It's the way to get people to watch your special get canceled.

[C]

Worked for you.

[A]

Hell yeah, it did. Big time. So I love it. Cam, where did you get that jacket from?

[F]

We was in Milwaukee and they had like a little trip shop in the back of one of the shitty shows I went to.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

And I was like, oh, hell yeah. I'mma cop this. It was like $40.

[A]

Yeah. You stole it? You looted it?

[F]

No, it was like $4, right?

[A]

It was.

[H]

It was.

[A]

It would have been $40 if you would have bought it. That's the tag that you had to rip off, say $40.

[F]

I just wore it out. I been had this shit we talking about. Stupid dumbass. I came in with this goddamn jacket. Dammit.

[A]

I love it. So much fun. Cam, as always. Now, you talked about. Like we talked about in the interview before, you talked about this. So you were making out with a porn porn star. What's.

[F]

No, no, I was not making out. Porn star.

[J]

No.

[F]

I don't kiss porn stars.

[A]

Who was making out with a porn star?

[F]

Uncle Laser was kissing the porn star in the backseat of a car with other porn stars. That what he was doing, right? He up the mission.

[A]

It's amazing because Uncle Laser asked to be on this show. And then I caught up with you guys in the green room for a second and you said, is it cool if we go back to back? So we're about to catch Uncle Laser and then we're going to ask him about this and then can you come back out during his interview?

[F]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Louie, anything else for Cam?

[C]

It just sounds like Uncle Laser really let you down. And if you can't depend on a guy named Uncle Lazer, who can you depend on? You know, that's.

[A]

That is true.

[F]

That what I said, man.

[A]

So fucked up. Yeah. Okay. How about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody. And like that. I think you know what's coming next. Back to back. Let's find out the other side of the story here as I present to you another new minute from Kill Tony, friend of the show. Uncle Laser, everybody. Here he is. Oh. Oh, he's putting his zen in. Oh, very serious. Very big Hank energies out here. One more time. Bronco Laser, everybody. One more time, Bronco Laser.

[I]

Cam's motherfucking lying first off, but I'll do my joke first here. Listen, I just saw my ex girlfriend at 10 months who took her out to the Olive Garden, right? She said, come out, I'm better now. That was a trap. Shouldn't have went, right? She said she's into this new hobby, domestic violence. She assaulted me with her eggplant parm in the middle of that fucking restaurant and then called me the N word. Yeah. Aggressive. Yeah, that's what I said too, right? My wiener's not that big and my credit score's good. You know what I'm saying? Relax. Right? But domestic violence is a weird thing. Look, I know, look, I look like I hit women, but I don't. You can't hit them. They fall weird. They fall like newborn deer. You know what I'm saying? And there's no winner for a man in domestic violence now, right? You hit a woman, you're going to jail. But if you get taken advantage of in that fucking Olive Garden, you're a faggot. She got a pussy like a snapping turtle. So did I learn my lesson?

[B]

No.

[I]

Am I gonna see her again? Probably. She jerked me off in the shower with a rubber glove behind like a stranger. You ever jerked off that frog in the science project? That's what I'm talking about. I'm Uncle Laser. Thank y' all so, so much.

[A]

There you go. Why the rubber glove? Very interesting.

[I]

It's really not a rubber glove. She had one of them exfoliating gloves like women do on her skin and. And she put a little lotion on that just beat me off from behind like a stranger would. It was incredible.

[A]

Is that true?

[I]

No, I said that. I wish I was telling jokes. I'm just telling stories, man.

[A]

Okay, Uncle Laser. Louie.

[C]

Yeah, that. That would up your dick. I mean.

[A]

Yeah, that would hurt.

[I]

When I used to jerk off with antifreeze so it lasts longer.

[A]

You had an anti named freeze.

[C]

Slam.

[A]

I love how people keep reacting to my joke. Slam. You got it. He got me a lot of those tonight. Okay, so let's talk about it. Explain to me more. Why would she jerk you off from behind with an exfoliant glove with lotion? It seems like very counteract active here. Why not use her bare hand?

[I]

It is not the same.

[A]

You would prefer it with the exfoliating hand mitt? It's like a pot mitt kind of, right?

[I]

Yeah, it's like a construction worker.

[A]

So it's like a glove. The fingers go in the glove.

[I]

It's a whole ass glove you put on your hand, Tony. Yes.

[A]

I'm asking you though, is it like a mitten or is it like a.

[I]

You don't know the exfoliating glove that should exfoliate. I don't know that word. You know, in talking About. Yeah, with an F. Yeah.

[A]

Exfoliating glove.

[I]

Bolian.

[A]

So are her fingers in each individual finger or is it like.

[I]

Well, she's got two of them on, right? One jerk. I mean, the other one, she picks me up like a bowling ball from the. We're all relaxed.

[A]

Here he goes. He's lasering up, folks. He's lasering up. Lasering up. Go to your left, to your left. Go back. Okay, go back. Okay, there you go. There it is. Red band.

[C]

Worth it.

[A]

Wouldn't be able to do it without you. Red band always on the ball. But. But those gloves and mittens, they're rough. They hurt. Why would you even think that would be good?

[I]

You like what you like? Relax, guys, you know?

[A]

All right?

[I]

I've been beaten off since nine, you know what I'm saying? I'm tethered.

[A]

A lot of shocking things. Things in your set. I noticed you have a good credit score.

[I]

I did. I'm about to file for bankruptcy and kill myself. But, yes, I used to have a good credit score.

[A]

How did you used to. What happened?

[I]

Well, I was an old fill for us. I made a lot of money, had a house. I pay my bills on time. And now.

[A]

Now what?

[I]

You know, hey, I'm here, right?

[A]

And you're really thinking about filing banks? No, no, no. Just scrubbing all the way. Like an exfoliating handclub.

[I]

It's not. Just go home and do it. Then we'll circle back to this. You're welcome, buddy.

[A]

No way. No way. Your dick's up, dude.

[I]

It's got a big vein in the middle of it. Looks like a ribbed condom. All the time. D Madness knows what I'm talking about. I heard him back there.

[E]

I know.

[I]

Come on, dude. I know you got a big old hog back there. You're throwing poles.

[A]

There's no doubt about it.

[I]

That's why you play bass, baby.

[A]

We all know D Madness has a absolute. Goddamn, he's smuggling something.

[I]

Oh, dude, he don't put his base in his case. He carries his dick around in it. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Absolutely. 100% carries his dick in his base.

[I]

Can we get in his Cam? Cuz Cam's lying, all right? He's lying, dude.

[A]

Okay, the coke is kicking in for Uncle A.

[I]

No, we do this already.

[A]

Come on. I got something in my head I want to do. Dude, can we bring out that goddamn exfoliator?

[I]

Cam, get my exfoliating cloth.

[A]

Thanks. So nice. For Cam Patterson. Here he is, everybody. He knows how to take his time. He's a show business master. Look at this.

[I]

Oh, that's what the seat was for.

[A]

Think of me.

[I]

All right, first off, let me put this in perspective for y'.

[A]

All. Cam, is that mic on?

[F]

Touch down.

[A]

Okay. Sweet. Buttered in the br. Put it into perfective for us. Come on. Put it into perfective. Come on. Let me just put it in this perspective. Come on. Here we go. Gonna detective. Come on. A little bit.

[I]

They took my exfoliating gloves to tsa, and look, I get out to LA camp, like, come out doing that Hollywood improv.

[A]

All right, enough tsa. Let's talk. Bet Cam's out here. Let's go. Get to your story.

[I]

Damn, Tony, you're singing them, baby.

[A]

Wow. Who would have guessed?

[I]

Nah, but we. We get out to la, right? And we do the Hollywood improv. And the second night, Cam's like, yo, I got these, like, four porn stars here. And I'm like, all right, bet. You know what I'm saying? I'm a go woman. No big deal. And Cam's on stage like, tim, I'll come out of the bathroom. They're, like, sitting at the bar, like, oh, come up to us.

[A]

Take your time. Jesus Christ. You goddamn trash ball. Jesus Christ. We. We need to hear the story for it to be effective.

[I]

All right, so I'm sitting. I'm sitting at the bar with these porn stars, and we're hanging out. We take a couple shots. Look, I'm a good wingman. Like, I'm good at this. Been doing it. And I was like, let's go. Like, I want to see L. A. A little bit. Let's go to the Comedy Store. And Cam's like, no, we're going to the house. The Airbnb right now.

[A]

I've never heard Cam talk, But you ain't never seen.

[I]

You ain't never seen him press with porn stars? Press up against the wall. And he said, I'm kissing him. The truck. And I was right. That's crazy.

[K]

No, it ain't.

[I]

But you were balls deep in that with them little fingers you got, dude. I mean, that's why. That's why your knuckles all up. Show the camera, dude.

[A]

Oh.

[I]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Dude, that's not. That's not ash. That's ass.

[I]

No, that's ass. That's ass that won't wash off. You know what I'm talking about? And so. And so look. So I was like, cam, look, we gonna need liquor, and we're gonna need condoms. And I don't ever wear condoms now. But I know. We probably should, right? So, Cam, go get the condoms with it.

[A]

And who needs condoms when you're exfoliating your dick all the time?

[I]

It's for them, not me.

[A]

Your dick is indestructible. That's ready to make sense now.

[I]

And so he goes and gets that, and. And I ride back with him. And look, me and old girl, yeah, we're in front seat making out. Look, I mean, it's great old time, right? We pull up to the house in about three minutes. Pull up to the house. I seen her on her phone typing a fucking paragraph. I go, that can't be good, right? And then we get there, we park. I said, all right, let's ride up here. She's like, guys. And they granted they drove two hours to come to this show. So, like, they're not right down the road. And she's like, I don't want to be anymore. My dad just text me, says he's about to commit suicide. And everybody goes, oh, no, right? And I look at the other girls, I'm like, yo, yalls, daddy ain't to going to commit suicide. Y' all want to come in? Like, what's up? You know? So then they're like, no, we gotta. We gotta go. And I'm like, thanks for the ride home, you know? And I. I'm walking up and I'm like, I gotta tell Cam and all his partners what just went down. They're gonna think I did this. All right? Now look, these women are porn stars. They're not Academy Award winning actress. They didn't plan this, all right? She genuinely had disbelief on her face. And her friends are being good friends. But I walk up to Cam and tell him the situation. He goes, man, that man, you know, like when black people get mad, they throw their hands down, they walk away like, that man, I hope he dies, right? And I didn't take ecstasy. I took a Cialis, bro. Cause I was like, did you say Seattle? I thought you said ecstasy, but yeah, dude. But then she gave him a shirt the next day, and I just got a ride home. So, I mean, who won here? You know what I'm saying?

[F]

Nobody, nigga, we didn't. Fucking porn star.

[A]

We all lost.

[I]

Don't blame that on me.

[A]

So you had pre taken a Cialis. So you are basically, what are you guys riding home together in your heart as a rock?

[I]

I will always take one. I take one every day when I work out and stuff. You get a great pump, you know what I'm saying? So, like, I got that thing on me. You know what I'm saying? But, like, yeah, I took it just because what if, you know, I felt like it was a pretty Win. Win.

[A]

Louis, did you.

[C]

Did you try and comfort her with a boner? Because that doesn't work if you're just rubbing your boner.

[I]

No, I was just jerking off in the backseat, waiting in there.

[C]

Do you think her dad was going to kill himself because he accidentally jacked off to her porn?

[I]

No. You know what? I think it was? I think it was. She wasn't. He wasn't worried about, like, the three black guys that were going to gang banger did that.

[D]

She.

[I]

He was more worried about her fucking Uncle Laser. That's what it was. That's what it was, right?

[A]

Sure. Sure it was. You didn't try any pickup line with your boner, though. You weren't like, man, I'm a. I'm as stiff as your dad's gonna be in a few hours. I can picture you doing some real creepy dirty talk.

[I]

Yeah, I'm just like, look, all it's

[A]

gonna take is one shot to my head for this not to take off.

[I]

I mean, at the end of it,

[C]

I might kill himself, but I'm gonna kill that at the end of it.

[I]

At the end, I was just like, look, it's already hard. It's not gonna exfoliate itself. You know what I'm saying?

[F]

Cam, he was just eating pizza with a hard dick.

[I]

Hey, no, hold on now. Hold on now.

[F]

There's eight niggas in the room. We just eat sad as fuck, dawg. It was sad, bro.

[I]

You know what was sad?

[A]

Anybody order extra sausage?

[I]

No, no, no, no. You know what was sad? This motherfucker gets pepperoni and olives.

[A]

Extra olives, black olives, tasty treat.

[I]

That shit tastes like Chernobyl. That shit was terrible. That shit was. They, Cam. That's why they didn't come the New Year's order these bullshit ass fucking pizzas, man.

[F]

That's the pizza I get when I'm sad. That's my sad pizza.

[I]

That's your sad pizza? Hey, that's my hard pizza pizza, dude. That's what I'm hard rocking, dude.

[A]

Pepper. Pepperoni. And I'll live the old sad pizza.

[I]

But anyways, if they ever come back to Austin.

[A]

What?

[I]

No, I mean, they might be coming back to Austin.

[A]

We.

[F]

I think they coming soon.

[I]

I know.

[A]

Do you remember their porn names? Yeah.

[F]

Ava Stone.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Ava Stone. Let's look this up. Oh, right. It's already on it.

[I]

He's better than Me.

[A]

Who would have got her?

[I]

Tony.

[A]

No, not her. That's her. That's her. That's her.

[I]

That wasn't planned either.

[F]

That's her.

[A]

What are you talking about? Everybody relax. Cam, you're about to. That's Michael Jordan. What is that? That's really.

[I]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Wait a second. How planned was this?

[I]

Wasn't pleasant plan.

[A]

You're wearing a porn star shirt underneath a Michael Jordan shirt.

[I]

She sent it to him.

[A]

She sent it to you. We can all. Is she like, a fan of the show or something?

[I]

Yeah, she's a fan of the show. Yeah,

[A]

we can all her.

[I]

That's crazy.

[A]

Red band. You suck.

[F]

That's her sucking a dick. That's her.

[I]

That's her.

[A]

Suck. Wait, that's her right there.

[I]

Yeah, that's her, bro.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. Look, her knees are all beat up.

[I]

Oh, it looks like you're a wiener, dude. Cam. It looks like you're a wiener, dude.

[A]

That could have been you, Cam.

[G]

Holy.

[A]

Wait a second. Is that a pepperoni and olive pizza in the background?

[I]

God, I wish we could show that. That's incredible.

[A]

Damn. He it up. She like I do that Black dot com. It looks like Cam would be a real front runner here, but. And she was on you that night, dude.

[I]

So bad.

[A]

Which one were you gonna end up?

[I]

I don't remember her name. You remember Bella Blue.

[A]

Bella Storm or some Bella something. Let's look up.

[I]

I actually have it on my phone. I looked her up because I was very sad that she left. But it's been a while back, so let's not do that.

[A]

An actual storm named Bella came up. That's in hitting Florida right now. That's not even a joke. That's real.

[I]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's her.

[I]

Yeah, maybe.

[A]

Okay. All right. We just got to get through this ad real quick. Just skipping 5, 4, 3, 2. Do you want real girls in your area? Truth. Red Band actually doesn't have a membership to all these things like we thought.

[I]

They're huge.

[A]

Oh, they are huge. Dot com. Okay, guitar for a second.

[I]

That's not her.

[A]

Okay, it's not her.

[I]

That's not her.

[C]

But who is that?

[A]

How do you guys know it's just the back of her head? Oh, because you saw her leaving. That's all you know is the back of her head. Absolutely incredible. You boys are out of control. But I really, really like you two together. There's a lot of chemistry with Cam and Uncle. Extremely white meets extremely black in a battle of the Titans. No gray area to be found.

[I]

I wonder if her dad died, though.

[F]

Oh, that is dead.

[I]

He saw it in the papers, that nigga.

[A]

Man. Well, it looks like she was buried under six feet in one of these videos, so. Looks like the apple doesn't fall far from the fucking tree.

[I]

We dodged a bullet, though.

[F]

No, I wanted to get shot by that bullet. I want that bullet to shoot me. I wanted that bullet.

[A]

I feel like these porn stars had the same talk on their sad drive home. I bet they think they dodged a bullet.

[I]

What are you talking about, man?

[A]

All right.

[I]

What? Tinder lover.

[A]

Okay, all right. You guys are great. Fantastic stuff. Cam Patterson and Uncle Lazer, everybody. Uncle Laser and cousin Cam, the real rabble rousers. All right. Okay. Another name out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there? It's fun being a Kill Tony live, isn't it? Half ass. Audience, make some noise for your next bucket bowl. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Spencer Franco, everybody. Here we go. Spencer Franco. We're gonna meet them all together. One more time for Spencer, everybody.

[B]

What's up, Austin? It's great to be here on the low budget version of American Idol for comics.

[H]

I.

[B]

Sorry, we just talking out here. I, like many of the comics you've seen here tonight, decided to go into comedy in the mental health wing of a hospital. And while I was there, it was a lot of fun. I had a blast. I formed a band with my fellow inmates, I mean, patients. We formed a band called ourselves the Looney Tunes. We're just getting silly, don't worry. And it was great. It was great. Except it might have lengthened our stay there because we would practice, but we didn't have any instruments. So we'd just be like,

[L]

mark, I'm

[B]

getting too much reverb. Turn it down, bud. Psychiatrist walks in. There's no one here named Mark. More lithium.

[I]

All right.

[A]

Well, yeah, dude. Low budget show, huh? Zero laughs for a minute. You dis the show and then just absolutely flatline for an entire minute. Worst set of the night here on the low budget American Idol for comedians. Incredible Louie.

[B]

Hey, I got to get my YouTube shorts on.

[A]

I got to get my. I got to get my. Shut the up.

[L]

All right.

[A]

Consider me the Simon Cowell of this low budget American Idol for comics. You piece of Louis Katz.

[C]

Yeah, that's a no for me, dog.

[H]

I think.

[A]

Ah, same here. Let's talk about it, Spencer. Absolutely horribly God awful. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[B]

A month.

[A]

A month. All of it here in Austin. Is this where you're from?

[B]

No, I'm from Baltimore, Maryland.

[A]

Okay, you see, you're just visiting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For how long?

[B]

Tonight.

[A]

When did you get here?

[B]

Not tonight. Good one though. I got here yesterday.

[A]

What just happened, happened.

[B]

Someone in the back said tonight.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

When they asked.

[A]

Okay, you heard that? Because it's so silent when you're on stage. It's incredible. So when did you get here? Easy question. Let's try again. When did you get here?

[B]

I got here Sunday.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's hard cuz I got here. I got to Texas on Saturday.

[A]

Okay, so. And then you.

[B]

And then I'm stupid as.

[A]

So. All right. When do you leave?

[B]

Tonight, don't worry.

[A]

Yeah, you leave tonight. For where? Where are you going tonight? You getting a red eye out of Austin direct to Baltimore?

[B]

No, I'm just driving as far away from this embarrassment as I can.

[A]

Aw, that's good.

[E]

Come on.

[A]

It was fucking unbelievably great what you did here tonight. Why would you be so ashamed of yourself? What made you sign up for this show a month in with absolutely no time whatsoever?

[B]

Cause I used to be a big fan, you know.

[A]

You used to be? I like it. I like it. Absolutely. What do you think it's gonna be like watching the show now, knowing that on this night, on this episode, people are gonna say, spencer didn't do that.

[I]

Great.

[A]

He blew it.

[B]

It's gonna be like I'm finally understanding my father with how disappointed it is.

[A]

Is your father really disappointed in you? Maybe.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

What do you mean maybe you don't know?

[B]

I mean, I don't talk to him that much.

[A]

Okay, so.

[I]

Yes.

[A]

Does he not talk to you? Is it his choice or your choice?

[B]

Mutual. Yeah.

[A]

Well, if he sees this, he might try to kill himself. Which basically makes you a porn star from what I understand.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

Spencer, what's interesting about you, you're supposedly a former fan of the show. So you've seen it before. You know how this interview portion works.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

What about you, Spencer? Where do you fit into the historical interviews that have happened on this show? What's interesting about you?

[B]

I've worked with kids with autism for the last four years.

[A]

And yeah, I've worked with a kid with autism for two and a half years. Hans Kim. Okay, so you drove here from Baltimore?

[B]

I drove here from Salt Lake City, Utah.

[A]

You flew into Salt Lake City?

[B]

I lived in Salt Lake City for the last three years. And I just recently bought a place outside of Baltimore again. That's where I grew up. And then I moved to Salt Lake, didn't like it. So I'M moving back.

[A]

Why don't you like Salt Lake?

[B]

Um, it's. You know how Austin Mormons. You know how Austin is like, weird.

[A]

Can you please stop yelling shit at this retard that's on? He's literally. He can't help help but to repeat back everything he hears because he has zero performance ability whatsoever. So, yeah, I slow budget American Idol talk I'm doing here. You know what I mean? I love it, dude. Don't worry. Yeah, no, it's great.

[B]

Austin's weird in, like a fun, artistic way. Utah's weird in a fun autistic way. You know, like, obviously, you know, basically me, so.

[A]

So is stand up something that you really want to do?

[B]

It was for sure.

[A]

You're saying that after this it's over, you might retire?

[B]

No, of course not.

[A]

I'm not giving up, of course.

[B]

But yeah, I love performing in general. I did a lot of improv comedy.

[A]

You did? Yeah, a lot, yeah. Okay, what can you improvise right now for us? I did.

[B]

I used to do improvised music.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Like what. What would you do in the music? Can you explain to me what you would do when you say you'd improvise music?

[B]

I'd.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

It means I'd ask people for a

[A]

suggestion and then you would sing a song about that suggestion.

[B]

And then I usually have musicians with me. They would do that.

[A]

Okay, perfect. Ask for a suggestion.

[B]

Yes, sir. Any suggestions? Improv. What? Santa Claus, Hamas, Hamas and Santa Claus.

[L]

All right.

[A]

And Santa Claus.

[B]

Hamas and Santa Claus are the suggestions.

[A]

Hit that real quick. This is indeed low budget American Idol improv. Live on Kill Tony, one of the great bombing sets of the night.

[K]

And.

[A]

And he's gonna bring it all together by spontaneously making a song about Hamas and Santa Claus. This is Kill Tony, American Idol, low budget edition. Live from Austin, Texas. It's a long intro song. Oh, here it comes. And here we go. It's Spencer Franco, everybody. Oh,

[E]

yeah.

[A]

I'm thinking St. Nick. He's really slick. He looks good. And red. And baby gets me dead.

[H]

But.

[B]

But if there's one thing on my Christmas list, it's that he'd go meet Hamas and I'd be in bliss. Flying with Hamas, making them so playful Flying with Hamas It'll bomb worse than this.

[A]

This set will

[B]

fly with Hamas and they will be so much fun. Israel is ready cuz the Christians have won.

[A]

Oh, Thank you, baba. Thank you, Sam.

[B]

That's the one present I needed from you, baba. Don't Worry, I'll keep Mrs. Claus nice and warm.

[A]

Hanukkah's done.

[B]

But we still got that fire going.

[A]

Oh, flying with her, Moss.

[B]

Cause when it's all said and and done here on Kill Tony, we have lots of fun.

[A]

Wow. That's amazing. Wow, look at that. You really turned it around, buddy. You got a little something in there. Little brain in there. Deep. Obviously a lot more comfortable with improv. Only a month into. Stand Up. Up. There's a little something in there. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. That was a great ending. You turned it around. I saved your ass. I put you in position to win. Get the out of here. Spencer. Franco. This guy's gotta go jerk off real quick. That's all I say. Every time somebody goes to the bathroom, she's got a jerk off. He's got a jerk off. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll. Anything can happen, obviously. It's Lexi Esposito, everybody. This looks like a new name. Here's Lexi Esposito, everyone.

[M]

Hello. I'm from Florida, where Ron Desantis banned the word gay, but only because he prefers the term faggot instead. So he told me he liked. I love being in Austin. I moved from Orlando and I love being in Austin because when I walk to my car alone in Austin, I meet great people. They give me free drugs. It's wonderful. I walk to my car alone in Orlando, though, I get followed by a black man jacking off. But I wasn't even mad because I never thought a black man would masturbate to me. I'm like this little guinea white girl, you know? Huge compliment. I had to get a color tv, though, moving in just to make sure the neighbors know I'm not racist. Hanging up my blackout curtains. So silly.

[J]

Oh,

[M]

thank you, guys.

[A]

Lexi Esposito.

[M]

That's me.

[A]

Fun. Welcome to the show. This is your first time on.

[M]

My second time.

[A]

Okay.

[M]

It's been a couple years.

[A]

Welcome back. Was this the black guy that was jerking off to you by any chance? I can now see why he would be the one to jerk off to you. That makes sense. It's all coming together now. He's like, look at that big ass over there. Those fish tits with a beautiful face. I love it. He had no idea. I love it. Now I can relate to you, Lexi, because I too, am a white, flat chested lesbian. So. This is incredible. You said you were gay. Is that correct? No, I felt like I heard that. Maybe I just like. You're just. You just exude that energy. What?

[M]

Ron Desantis banned the word gay.

[A]

Ron DeSantis. What?

[M]

Banned the word gay from Florida. Did he like the use of it?

[K]

Did he?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Did he really though?

[M]

I mean.

[A]

No. You watch msnbc? Is that what happened? You catching the mainstream news or something? But I can't. Right. But you know, we didn't really do that.

[M]

No.

[A]

Right. Cuz you can't do that. Okay. All right. So, Lexi, you moved from Orlando to Austin.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

When did you do that?

[M]

Two months ago. Three months ago.

[A]

Two months ago. How long you been doing stand up?

[M]

This is my sixth time.

[A]

Your sixth time ever in your life?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh my goodness. Wow. Where else have you done it? Just a bunch of open mics.

[M]

I wanted to start here, so. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[M]

Getting out when I can because I

[A]

work was your first time on? The show was on.

[M]

It was. I had no idea I was gonna do stand up.

[A]

How did that go? Remind me, because I don't.

[M]

It was terrible.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

Because I was so high.

[A]

You were.

[M]

I had to add a body experience. But yeah, I had the mic out here and the. Just.

[A]

Okay, all right. D. You're throwing people off a little bit. D. All right. He's asking his own separate questions, everybody. I love it. Okay, so Lexi, let's talk about it. What did we not talk about? What did we talk about on your last interview? What did I find out about you that was interesting that people would might remember you by at all? You are absolutely un. Un. Unmemorable. I know. No one remembers you.

[M]

Nice to do comedy.

[A]

What?

[M]

You said I was too nice to do comedy.

[A]

I said that?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

I still think that.

[M]

I know, but I just want to keep doing it.

[A]

Okay. No, I love it. I'm just kidding. No one is too nice to do comedy. Okay. What else did I say that stood out to you? You remember anything else? No is a fine answer as well.

[M]

No.

[A]

Okay, so tell us, what could we have talked about? Have you thought about that interview since then? About your life that would make be interesting to people?

[M]

I do. Like I sing. Like I love music.

[A]

You do you sing? What type of things do you sing?

[M]

Well, like go to is what's up for non blondes.

[A]

Oh, so you do karaoke?

[M]

I mean, I have to. That's when I can only get out.

[A]

That's what you mean, you can get out?

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. Okay. You guys know that one? Yeah. One, two. One, two, three, four. Oh, wow. Right into it. People love afuzz. Yeah. Buzz. Hell yeah. I think we have another lesbian here in the front. Oh, shit. Look at this fucking Guy. Sorry, sir. What? All right. Okay, here we are with fucking female Waldo over here. So Lexi, what else about you? What do you do for fun? What are some things that would surprise us about you?

[M]

I Waldo. Walk my dog.

[A]

I feel like your dog walks you. She does, right? Absolutely. You're a beta. Yeah. You're a beta, bitch. Beta, bitch, baby. Hell yeah. So your dog walks you, what else?

[M]

Oh, listen to music. I'm trying to. I just work.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[M]

I do room service at a hotel down here.

[A]

Okay. Like hello. Here's your thing. So nice talking with you. Okay. Do you get good tips doing that? You ever see anything weird?

[M]

No, I just. I have to take the beating of like, oh my God. Sorry I didn't get your dark chocolate covered strawberries, you know.

[A]

Right.

[M]

Just picky people.

[A]

Uh huh. People that want what they ordered, they paid for. Yeah. Paid a lot of money for chocolate covered strawberries at the hotel. Have to be at least $20, right? Yeah. Fucking yes. I know for a fact, because I live that type of baller lifestyle, so I actually know that was a trick question. I get chocolate covered strawberries at every hotel I stay at.

[M]

That's good.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[C]

The boys and sisters.

[A]

Absolutely, 100%. I put one in my ass and have my buddies use exfoliating gloves on my hard, throbbing cock. Anyway, nice and dark. All right. Lexi, you got a little joke book last time you were on.

[M]

I did.

[A]

See? Well, there you go.

[M]

Thank you. I appreciate your time.

[A]

Absolutely adorable. Very sweet. Lexi Esposito, everybody. One of these days, Lexi, let me ask you something. Hold on. Stop, stop, stop. Let me ask you something.

[I]

Any.

[A]

Anything traumatizing or terrible ever happened to you in your life because you seem so sweet and innocent that I feel like it's gonna take. You got a DUI. Okay. All right. How drunk were you?

[M]

0.09.

[A]

Barely over the legal. Just drunk enough to be like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[C]

I can't believe the most interesting thing about you is not interesting. That is crazy.

[M]

There was a pregnant girl.

[A]

There was a pregnant girl.

[F]

What?

[M]

In my car. Like, while this is all happening for some reason.

[A]

Huh? Why? Why was there a pregnant girl?

[M]

I wasn't aware until I picked up. They're like, oh, hey, this girl's coming. She's pregnant. I'm like, oh, that's weird. But okay.

[A]

Why were you driving a pregnant. What does that mean? Why were you driving a pregnant woman? Were you ubering people?

[M]

No, it was just like, you know, when you're in a group of friends and everyone wants to go out, but no one's gonna drive. So I drove, and I was told that there was a pregnant girl.

[A]

There she goes, everybody. Lexi Esposito, everyone. Jesus Christ. I barely got a DUI once. That's what you need. You need some trauma in your life.

[K]

Lexi.

[A]

Need a dead parent or something. Someone kill one of her parents. We're gonna change her entire comedy career. All right, last bucket poll of the night. Goes by the name of Busco Jones, everybody. Your final bucket poll of the night. Busco Jones, everyone.

[G]

So they say hindsight's 20 20, right? And being 40 now, I can't say anything, but I agree. Cause if I would have known at 20 that at 40, I'd be here doing this, still waiting tables, married with children, living in my hometown, I would have taken my drug dealing career so much more seriously,

[A]

right?

[G]

I mean. Cause like, selling drugs is easy. It's like the hoenn of being a dude, you know, you don't have a lot to do. Like, everybody loves drugs. Comedians love drugs. Service industry workers love drugs. Americans, we love fucking drugs. Why do we love drugs? Same reason we love Mexicans. They fucking work. Highly fucking effective. It's hard to know what to trust these days, but I'm finding myself being really happy and trusting in convenience store branding. Like Buc EE's, right? It's like a wonderful world of, like, convenient capitalism with its mascot, quick trip and racetrack. Real quick, real fast. 7:11. You're gonna be waiting 7 to 11 minutes, right? Makes me really want to go to a come and go, Ben Busco Jones. Thank you very much.

[A]

Busco. Am I saying that right?

[G]

Yeah, Busco. Busco.

[A]

Okay, so it's Busco. B U S, C O. I've never heard of that name. What is that?

[G]

It means I look for in Spanish. It's a nickname I got.

[A]

Means you look what I look for.

[G]

It's like the.

[A]

You look for it or forward?

[G]

I look. It's literally. I mean, it's ibuscar.

[A]

Yeah. Now I def. Now I double. Don't know what the. You're interrupting him. Answering a question.

[G]

I'm not.

[A]

Yeah, he's not saying his own name correctly. Michael is correcting a man saying his first name. A fully grown man. How do you. You say it? Michael Buskar.

[G]

Busco is the personal. Like I see I look for.

[A]

Still don't know. Are you forward or for it?

[G]

For it. Four. Four.

[A]

Just four. I look.

[K]

Four.

[J]

Four.

[G]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

That's so Stupid. To search. Oh, Yoni is aggressively answering the question. Out of nowhere.

[G]

It was.

[A]

Is it a Jewish word or something? Why are you. You so aggressive about this? To search. To search.

[G]

It was middle school. It was a nickname. It's. It was a. It was a joke. So, yeah, it's a nickname.

[A]

Thank you. D Madness. Following up with questions tonight. Somebody slipped Adderall into his drink. A lot of talking back here tonight from D Madness during a live podcast. No big deal whatsoever. Doesn't affect anything at all. Talking throughout a podcast, but I'll turn a blind eye to it. Anyway, let's get back to you. Okie dokie. Thank you, D. Thank you so much. We're moving forward, starting now. Thank you. So, busco.

[G]

Yes, sir.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[G]

I manage a small restaurant. I'm a real estate broker.

[A]

Okay, that's an interesting combination. Do you sell real estate?

[G]

Yeah, I've been a broker for 15 years.

[A]

You do good at it.

[G]

I've done, yeah.

[A]

So why do you manage a small restaurant?

[G]

That's a long. Long story short there 15 years ago, when my daughter was born, rolled in there about a year ago, owner was slammed. She offered me a job on the spot. Real estate had just kind of changed, slowed down. So I was like, fuck it, I'll do it three nights a week. You know, get a little cardio. I need it.

[A]

Right. It seems like you're getting high on your own supply there at the restaurant.

[G]

It's a good imposter.

[A]

Do you think you eat more than you burn calories at the restaurant?

[G]

It's p. I'm an emotional eater, so, yeah, I do stress. Stress. Eat pizza.

[A]

Right. What stresses you out? What makes you want to eat a lot?

[G]

Entitled people that live in neighborhoods that are very wealthy and get mad that their pizza is like seven minutes late.

[A]

You serve chocolate covered strawberries at this joint?

[G]

No, we. We will. For Valentine's. I bet, though, we. I'll suggest that.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. I like your voice.

[G]

Thank you.

[I]

Thanks.

[A]

Yeah,

[G]

yeah.

[A]

Bucket is a wonderful world.

[G]

Exactly.

[A]

I've seen many pieces.

[G]

I could. I could do that. Yes, very easily.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

Do it.

[A]

You're already doing it, dude.

[G]

Thank you. Thank you. Try.

[A]

Okay. Very interesting. And how long you been on standup?

[G]

About five, seven years.

[A]

Five.

[G]

Hobbying.

[I]

My goodness.

[A]

Just a hobby. You take it seriously? You think?

[G]

Nah, I got kids. No,

[A]

no, I see tropes. All right, whatever.

[G]

No, I don't take it too seriously. I enjoy it as something to do to get the out.

[A]

Okay. What's your love life? Like this girl, you seem completely unfuckable.

[G]

Very true, very true, very true. Now I'm married. I'm married. Yeah. So it's. It's. We're married. We're very. We're in the night.

[A]

I met a wonderful girl.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[G]

Yeah, she's. She's great.

[A]

Yeah, she's great, right? Is she.

[G]

Yeah, we're. We've been friends forever, so it was.

[A]

Louie, what do you think about this?

[C]

I just. I like your assassination themed sweatshirts. Thank you.

[G]

America's greatest hits.

[C]

Was Jesus. Was your 911 themed shirt in the wash or what the.

[G]

I didn't have my Tower seven one on me.

[H]

I apologize.

[A]

Wow, that is incredible. I didn't even notice that. What made you buy that hoodie?

[G]

I actually had a made.

[A]

You had that custom made? Yeah. Wow.

[G]

I'm from Dallas. Like, I like the assassin. We killed the president in our city and it's. I mean, we. Right.

[I]

It's great.

[A]

Very interesting. To search for a laugh.

[G]

Right?

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

Need to search for more punchlines.

[A]

Thank you so much.

[C]

For sure.

[A]

For sure, man. Very, very, very interesting. So what made you want to do this? What makes you want to do stand up?

[G]

That's. Long story short, I was doing really well in real estate about seven years ago. I wanted to get out of the house as I was breaking up or splitting up with my first baby mother. Got into promoting comedy in Dallas because there's a lot of great local comedians that were up there. And that was really how I wanted to start. Did a festival. A few comedians kind of fucked me over.

[A]

How did they fuck you over?

[G]

They just basically took the festival and just took off with it, right? And said. Because I said mean shit online, we know how that goes.

[A]

What did you say online?

[G]

I honestly don't remember because it wasn't anything mean. I was just making. I was making jokes. I think it's funny. And as an unfuckable 40 something year old white dude dude, I don't resonate with the 20 somethings, believe me.

[A]

You don't.

[G]

Not. Not very easily. They. They didn't realize I was just with them and they took it personally. Anyway, since then I just kind of been doing it as open mics. Just going to open mics and just trying. I had a very bad stage fright.

[A]

What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done is in your life?

[G]

In my life?

[A]

Yeah. In your entire life.

[I]

Ah.

[G]

I mean, I got some great reviews on Yelp at our restaurant. I told. I told some people the other day that this isn't Olive Garden. If you want something done real fast, you need to go to there. Like. And they posted a Yelp review. I'm a lot funnier at the restaurant, you know?

[A]

Yeah. Like, what have you done at the restaurant?

[G]

That's like I said, I those. When you're in the moment and somebody's busting your balls about not. They have to catch a flight. And you came into a small hole in the wall restaurant with 10 tables and you're being an. I'll tell you what they said.

[A]

It was like an thing that we're

[G]

going to catch a flight and you are taking too long and you only have so many tables. Why aren't you. Why isn't this happening faster?

[A]

So how long do you think it took after they ordered their entrees for them to get them.

[G]

They got the fuck out after, right after that. Because I told them it was gonna be about another 10 or 15 minutes. And then they left. And then I told them if they wanted something faster, next time they should go to Olive Garden. Because if they want fast service, you should go to a fast service.

[A]

That's the funniest thing you've ever done

[G]

in your entire life. That's just recently. Just recently, I was. I was class £ four years in

[A]

a row in high school at a very unfunny house.

[G]

A very unfunny small.

[A]

Here's a small joke, but get out of here. There goes Busco Jones. Busco Jones. Second Jones of the night, I do believe, right? Was there Ivory? Yeah, Ivory Jones. My goodness. My goodness. What a night we've had so far. Everyone have fun tonight. Well, as you may know, there's only one way to end an episode like this. It's with the hall of Famer, the guy that's done it more than absolutely anybody ever in this show's history. It's been five years of him gracing our stages all around the country. All around, all around, everywhere sold out shows. His entire career, every single show he's ever done has been a sold out kill. Tony, he's only known us during the great era of thriving. And he's a big part of it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Memphis Strangler. The Tiana Tarantula. The Raleigh Rodeo Riot. The Bulgarian Ball Hammer. The Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery, everybody.

[K]

That dude needs to keep the fucking Olive Garden jokes in the restaurant. Dumbass. What the fuck was he thinking? Also, y' all will be happy to know the idiot who couldn't really? Sing that well. Who called this show a low rent American Idol? I literally killed him out

[A]

in the

[K]

thing back there after the fu. What a fucking pussy that idiot was. Holy shit, you were nice to him. Oh, and also, it has been super tense in the green room. Hans Kim won't even look at. I don't know what happened up here tonight, but he's pacing around up there. He's not making eye contact with anybody. Last week an 85 year old man stabbed his wife to death for messing up his pancakes.

[A]

So what's the fucking problem with that?

[I]

Stupid old bitch? Can't be messing up.

[A]

I can't get pancakes.

[I]

Fine.

[K]

I saw a fat woman described as a plus size influencer and I couldn't help but wonder what is she influencing people to do? Buy more candy? Which couches are best to sleep on.

[A]

It's like we get it big.

[I]

You're not moving along.

[K]

Okay, that's my time, Tony.

[A]

Thank you, William Montgomery. Hell yeah. Absolutely fantastic. A minute 20 seconds. You did it again. Hilarious. The whole way through. Absolutely. The standard setter of the show. Looking fantastic. The red to blue ratio, everything is unbelievable. You have the head of a fucking star. I've said it a million times. I'll say it again. You are built for comedy. You are built to be the machine that you are always eyeballing the people in the front. Yeah.

[F]

Oh my God.

[K]

What is wrong with your bitch's stomach, man? What is going on?

[A]

My God.

[K]

Are you a influencer that I was talking about?

[A]

What are you saying, William? What are you. What are you saying? The girl's laughing. I don't know what I'm not seeing. I have a bad angle.

[K]

Stand up. Can you stand up?

[A]

What is happening? What is going on? Oh my goodness. Oh, she's.

[I]

What is that? No, I'm really asking.

[A]

Why does your stomach look like that?

[K]

A what?

[I]

Baby.

[A]

She has a baby hidden underneath her shirt. Baby. Do you know where babies come from? William, have you ever seen a pregnant woman? I always.

[K]

I always heard they did. The mailman delivers it to your house. And that's what I always believe, Tony, that there was a stork and a mailman.

[A]

Second stork reference tonight. This is unbelievable. I bet nobody that would have been. If you bet a dollar in Vegas that there'd be two stork references. References this episode, you could have won $3 billion here, here. This is the first episode, maybe the second ever in which one stork was ever mentioned. And here we are, our second stork reference of the Night. Did you know. Were you aware that there was a. Yeah.

[K]

First stork reference? You've been watching and I have been.

[A]

Yes, I was watching. Meanwhile, that perfect opportunity fell on your plate right then to use a second stork reference. But when you come to a stork in the road. Okay, so have you never seen a pregnant woman before?

[K]

I don't think I. I'm not even kidding. I'm not.

[A]

Incredible Saudi Arabian guy who we know, he comes to a lot of episodes. Is that your baby in there? It is. You flew your plane into her tower, what? Little Muhammad. Hell yeah. All right. You gave her your Allah Allah Akbar or whatever.

[K]

What are you Muslim as well?

[A]

Yeah. What are you, Mexican? Ah. Oh, oh. We got a fucking jihad taco over here. Oh, my goodness. So when's the baby gonna come out? February 10th. Okay. Look at that. Absolutely. Maybe you can be. It can happen here on Kill, Tony. At least the beginning. One good delivery tonight.

[C]

You want to blow some more of that smoke in her face just to

[A]

let it fuck your baby? Do you have a name for it yet? Is it really going to be Muhammad? Mexican girl. You're letting this guy take full fucking control over here? Wow, that is incred. Oh, really? Five middle names. Oh, wow. Leave it to a fucking Saudi Arabian. Have extra baggage. Just going to have to check these fucking names. All right, so it won't be. That's. That's a long name to have on the no Fly List. That's incredible. Wow. So what are all the names? Yeah, yeah. Somebody shot up with testosterone today. What are the names? Put the mic in front of his mouth, William. I want to hear this. Here, take that one. 1.

[I]

Muhammad Maja Sultan.

[C]

Garcia.

[A]

My God, if there was one more name there. I think Indiana Jones was about to pop up out of nowhere to. Yeah. Hell yeah. Very good, Deemer. Quick on the. Indiana Jones on the trombone. All right, William. Oh, look at the daydream happening. He's rock solid statue.

[K]

I have had the worst day, Tony. I went to an Enterprise car lot at the airport. And again, I had to get that new credit card that only felons can get because I have no, no credit history. So I had to get this. And damned if the rental car that I got for the next week wasn't like. It was. I swear to God, it was like $23 over my credit card limit. So I had to have a whole two hour nightmare right before this. Trying to talk to the Discover people, trying to talk to the bank of America people.

[A]

You started your first Credit. Your first card is a Discover card.

[K]

Yeah, that's what I was.

[I]

What's funny about that Red band?

[A]

That. That's weird as fuck. That's weird as fuck.

[K]

Yeah, I have a fucking Discover card.

[A]

You didn't start with, like a. Like a cha. Like a. Your bank?

[K]

I couldn't.

[A]

What. What is your bank?

[K]

I actually. When I told you all the other day that I didn't have any debt. I actually have a shit ton of debt. In the. In the fifth grade, I took out all these loans. I had this one friend that was selling a. To making a shit ton of money on these magazine sales. So I took out, like, $30,000 in loans, Tony, in the fifth grade, and I'm still paying that shit back. I mean, with it, it's ballooned to $300,000.

[A]

Took out a $30,000 loan and then started buying magazines to try to help with.

[K]

To alleviate the debt that I was. I was just. I was hemorrhaging money. I mean, it was horrible. I'm buying all these magazines. My mom's getting pissed. I have a bunch of Mad Men magazines. I'm not even allowed to look at Mad magazines. And my mom's like, william, what are you doing with all these Mad magazines in your bedroom? You're not even allowed to look at these things. I'm like, mom, I'm hemorrhaging money right now. I have $30,000 worth of stock of Mad magazine. Nobody's buying Mad magazine, Tony. I mean, this is mid-90s. Nobody's looking at Mad magazine anymore.

[A]

People were buying it.

[B]

It was hot.

[K]

Well, I couldn't find the people. Trust me, I was looking.

[A]

But, yeah.

[I]

And. God,

[A]

I love it. I love it. So what kind of car did you end up renting?

[K]

A Volvo. Safest kind of car there is, so.

[A]

Oh, you like safety. For those of you that don't know, William is very, very. Lives in fear. A little fun fact about William. This part is one of the true sides of William Montgomery. He doesn't talk about it on stage, but he literally is truly one of the most scared people that we know. Refuses to fly on private jets. He'd rather fly commercial.

[K]

There's no way you could get me on another private jet.

[A]

It scares the shit out of me. They crash. It's crazy.

[K]

I have to yell up here. I think y', all, if I'm really kind of getting down to it right now after this very mediocre set, I. I think I yell up here because I am really, as Tony has said, I am so I'm the biggest coward you've ever met. That's why I look out of my apartment windows literally 24. 7. I'm constantly scanning the grounds of the parking lot. I'm the biggest pussy you've ever met. I swear to God. And then I have to, I think, compensate up here when I. I have to yell up here. I have to compensate. Hey, sir, you want to look at

[I]

me when I'm talking, you idiot?

[K]

And I got scared when I was talking about the. The plus size model. And then I looked down here and you're kind of plus size.

[A]

Ah.

[K]

But no, I was really scared about that. I come out here and I'm thinking, God, I have this plus sized joke

[A]

and I look down and. Are you looking at the pregnant woman again? I am looking at.

[K]

And I'm kidding, ma'.

[F]

Am.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. You're talking to that woman. Yeah. William, what the fuck is wrong with you tonight?

[K]

She's morbidly obese if you can't see it.

[A]

Oh, my God. She is not.

[I]

I'm scared right now.

[A]

Stop it. What are you scared of right now? Why are you calling women?

[I]

She's bad and she has a sad look on her face.

[A]

I made a mistake. Oh, my God. William is crazy. I feel genuinely bad right now. It was scary when you did it to the pregnant woman. It's a whole different thing when you're doing it to innocent bystanders.

[K]

Well, I was gonna take it out on somebody. I was waiting at the Enterprise car lot two hours earlier, so I was sure she gonna take it out on some. So I'm sorry it was y'.

[A]

All.

[K]

Y' all look like wonderful people. I'm sorry it was y'.

[H]

All.

[K]

I've been on edge this whole day ever since the Enterprise.

[A]

Maybe you can make it up to them. Maybe you can do like a little private meet and greet with the two of them after the show. Right over here in the corner, huh? How about that? Yeah.

[K]

My gosh. If you want to.

[A]

Yeah, I'd love to. William in rare form tonight. Barry, have you been eating your Kellogg's all brand fiber buns?

[K]

I didn't eat them today.

[A]

I can tell. I can tell you are low on fiber. Oh, he's analyzing the gas.

[K]

That's funny. Oh, you think that was.

[A]

We've seen this before.

[C]

I don't know which parts are funny. I'm just laughing, man.

[A]

This is not the energies of someone that has a Volvo. You're still looking at the guest. We've seen this before. Sometimes. Sometimes he just Eyeballs the guests makes them very uncomfortable.

[I]

Who do I look at? Tony? I don't know who to look at

[A]

anymore,

[I]

but I wish I did.

[A]

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We did it again. Another episode of Kill Tony. The drawing From Ryan Ryan Je belt is in. It's amazing. Ryanjebel.com let's look at some local art from the local Chris Rogers. Oh, William Montgomery. South Park Hybrid. I love it. How about a hand for the great Louis Katz, everybody? LouisCatz.com for tickets. Catch them in Colorado Springs February 23rd, 24th. This weekend at the Creek and the Caves. Sacramento, January 18th, the 20th. And his new special president Int Tents is out now at Louis Katz comedy on YouTubies. Louis Katz comedy on everything that's L O U I S K A T Z. One more time for Louis Katz, everyone. Thank you. Fantastic.

[G]

Thanks for having me.

[A]

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deamer on the horns. Deep Madness on the bass. John Dean's on the keys. And the madman Matthew Feed fueling on the electric guitar. Thank you to Jawblaster. Red rose, yellow rose gingerbuses.com Paul Law Firm, House and security guard service and connect Mobile health. Get a IV drip. Don't be an idiot. Rehydrate kill 15. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Sunsetstripatx.com thank you. We love you guys. Good night everybody. Have some Zippix toothpicks. Who wants some Zipix, huh? Oh, the Asian guy. How about the pregnant lady? You want some? There you go. There you go. All right. How about you guys over here? Oh my goodness. Oh my God. I think I just. I think I just killed somebody. Here you go. All right, good night everybody. Thank you. We love you. Good night. Thank you. You guys gotta get the out of here now. Some exclusive pill Tony Merch for sale in the lobby. We love you. God bless America. Good night, everyone.

[M]

It.

[A]

Sam.