#646 - DERIC POSTON + EHSAN AHMAD

Summary

Kill Tony #646 – Deric Poston + Ehsan Ahmad

Date: January 23, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guests: Deric (Derek) Poston, Ehsan Ahmad

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Overview

Episode #646 of Kill Tony delivers its signature blend of live, unscripted stand-up comedy with sharp, often edgy interviews. On this night, the panel features two Austin comedy scene favorites, Deric Poston and Ehsan Ahmad, alongside hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Redban. The show unfolds as a showcase for local comics and first-timers, who attempt 60 seconds of material before being grilled (often hilariously and sometimes harshly) by Tony and the panel. Wild crowd energy, off-the-cuff banter, and unexpectedly personal revelations make this a particularly engaging and unpredictable Kill Tony episode.

Theme:
Spotlighting Austin’s burgeoning comedy scene, highlighting young talent, and leaning into the show’s spirit of anything-can-happen, comedy-first chaos.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Guests & Panel Banter (03:47–06:14)

• Deric Poston is introduced as Andrew Schulz’s arena opener and frequent podcaster. Tony credits himself for connecting Poston with Schulz.
  • Tony: "Schulz texted me, said, who do you think would be a good feature for me in Austin, Texas? I said, I got exactly the guy." (06:00)
  • Running joke: Tony is the "big OG" of the Austin scene.
• Ehsan Ahmad gets ribbed for being a "survivor" of 9/11 (in an obviously absurd fabricated backstory), poking fun at his Indian heritage.
  • Tony: "He was flying one of the planes and hit the eject button at the last second... Indian people, we achieve early, you know." (05:00)
• Show rules, format, and running gags are explained, including the "kitten" signal for the end of a set and the threatened "angry West Hollywood bear" for those who overrun.

2. Hans Kim: Korean Regular & Weird Roommate Stuff (08:11–14:28)

• Hans Kim opens the comic lineup with dry, edgy one-liners about cultural differences, the Gaza conflict, and dating ("I hate it when ugly people act like them dating is the same thing as when hot people date like me.").
• Tony and Hans riff on his living arrangements:
  • Hans’s food habits, leaving ribs in the oven and leaving the state, and a homemade "Camelbak" water system above his bed.
  • Hans claims his girlfriend is a "dirty white" and confesses to cleaning up after her "whippet" binges.
  • Hans: "I clean up her little whippets that she does." (12:20)

Memorable moment:

• Hans’s revelation that his girlfriend and her friend (who was once on Kill Tony) do whippets and leave empty canisters and chicken nuggets containers behind (“Hey, what can I say? I love America.” 14:14).

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3. New Comics from the Bucket (Selected Highlights)

Camilo D. (15:08–21:54)

• Set on “crystal collecting is just rock collecting for bitches,” and astrology jokes
• Accidentally outs himself, “I fucked dudes… I mean women, man, I fucked up, dude.”
• Mocked for the slip, the panel runs with it for the whole interview.
  • Tony: "You are gay. Yeah, dude. I mean, I suck..." (19:22)
• Discusses being a Latino virgin and training for a half-marathon

ZZ (23:10–26:43)

• Iraqi comic, jokes about leaving Iraq, weapons of mass destruction, and her family's house being demolished.
• Misses stage protocol and repeatedly interrupts Tony, leading to a now-classic roast:
  • Tony: "You're unbearable. Stop talking. Have you ever seen this show before?" (26:03)
  • Crowd encouraged to boo her on exit, setting up the next female comic for an uphill battle.

Corinne Aliyah (26:58–36:12)

• Edgy jokes about God "killing the wrong people," dad issues, and OnlyFans.
• Reveals she's "Kjistani" (Pakistani/Cajun mix).
• Opens up about real-life trauma: losing her virginity to a pedophile (her non-denominational church pastor at age 16).
• Tony draws out more, discusses how her comedy may be fueled by family trauma:
  • Tony: "Is your dad one of those things where you're like, I'm gonna fucking show him this stupid asshole Pakistani piece of shit?" (34:54)
• Muay Thai fighter, close with her mom, uses dark humor to cope.

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4. Other Comics & Interviews

Spencer Michael (36:45–47:56)

• Stand-up about wife’s Uncle Dave, breast cancer jokes, and a meathead, deadpan style.
• Works in pharmaceutical marketing—gets grilled for being a "Pfizer miser."
  • Discusses getting the COVID vaccine and booster, then getting sick anyway.
  • Joins a “Mexican drum off” vs. Michael Gonzalez — gets destroyed in the drum battle, but takes it in stride.

Blake Alexander (49:08–57:45)

• Four years into comedy, newly sober bartender from Dirty 6th Street.
• Talks openly about addiction, sex work, "amazing Asian massage parlors" and the economics and experience of hand jobs.
  • "Asian women are the Usain Bolts of giving hand jobs, dog." (53:02)
• Tony and Redban riff on the price and process of various “services.”

Samantha Blumenthal (58:05–71:18)

• Rhythmic gymnast/contortionist (demonstrates on stage).
• Set includes family jokes: her dad slept with her best friend (age 19) and is a bar mitzvah DJ.
• Reveals autoimmune condition (cold urticaria), works as a dietitian.
• Breakup story: her ex cheated on her (with men) while wearing her clothes; she discovered videos labeled “sus” on his computer.
  • Samantha: “You suck dick better than I do!” (69:08)
• Earns major praise from Tony: “Unbelievable. For two months in, I’m serious. Great interview.”

Holden Deshazo – The 16-year-old Phenom (71:57–82:44)

• Shocks the panel: truly 16, homeschooled, almost one year in comedy, Houston-based.
• “I was born 16 years ago and haven’t been in pussy since.”
• Talks about doing a 45-minute standup set, mom (cool, supportive, smokes weed with him) brought on stage.
• Tony dubs him a future star, references his arena shows as a possible next booking.

Dave Harriman (83:27–89:34)

• Opens with crack and AA jokes (“I do go to AA meetings still. Still not sober. I do go for the crowd time.”)
• Heroin addict, now working as an hourly Hooters manager, grittily honest about life disasters.
• Tries to tell a convoluted story about selling his girlfriend’s house, panel calls out the confusion.

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5. Featured Regular: Cam Patterson (90:40–97:05)

• New bit about hooking up with a bodybuilding woman (“I was on Tinder at 3 AM… Thought she had big ass titties, but she was Dwayne the Rock Johnson in a wig.”)
• Punchline: “At one point, she bench pressed me out of her pussy and I just went ‘Wheee!’”
• Tony offers tag suggestions (“Give her a deep voice; there’s a character there” (93:38))
• Emotional moment: Cam credits Tony and the Austin comedy scene for opportunities, explains helping out 16-year-old Holden.
  • Cam: “That made me tear up a little bit, man. He hit me up all the time about advice and I just tell him to keep doing you.” (96:35)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Hans Kim:
  Tony: "This guy once cooked ribs and then left the state... put the ribs in the oven, set it to 45 minutes, and then caught a plane to go to a weekend somewhere else." (10:00)
• On first-time comic Camilo D accidentally saying he fucks dudes:
  Tony: “You are gay. Yeah, dude. I mean, I suck a... so you like balls on your feet and your hands. It’s great.” (19:23)
• On Samantha’s dad sleeping with her friend:
  Tony: “Usually Jewish fathers are very centered, balanced. How do you think that went down?” (62:44)
• On 16-year-old Holden’s punchlines:
  Tony: “There’s basically nothing that can really stop you from this point from being a professional comedian. Starting at 16 is something ... I only really know of Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle.” (77:32)
• On Dave Harriman’s heroin backstory:
  Tony: “Imagine how much heroin you gotta do that after three years of sobriety you look like you just shot up.” (89:34)
• On Cam Patterson’s bodybuilder story:
  Cam: “If you ever fuckin' a girl you think might be a dude, your research never stops.” (91:48)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro / Panel Introductions: 03:47–06:14
• Hans Kim & Roommate Interview: 08:11–14:28
• Featured Bucket Comic: Camilo D: 15:08–21:54
• ZZ (from Iraq): 23:10–26:43
• Corinne Aliyah (Kjistani comic, trauma): 26:58–36:12
• Spencer Michael (drum-off): 36:45–47:56
• Blake Alexander (bartender, sobriety): 49:08–57:45
• Samantha Blumenthal (Jewish gymnast): 58:05–71:18
• Holden Deshazo (16-year-old, brings up mom): 71:57–82:44
• Dave Harriman (heroin addict, Hooters manager): 83:27–89:34
• Cam Patterson (bodybuilder bit, Austin scene love): 90:40–97:05

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Final Thoughts

This episode perfectly captures the spirit of Kill Tony: a mix of gifted regulars, wild new talent, and deeply personal (sometimes shocking) interviews with a rapid-fire comic edge. Tony continues to set the tone with ruthless but insightful feedback, drawing out hilarious confessions and celebrating promising performers—especially the astonishingly young Holden Deshazo. Highlights include a savage drum-off, a series of awesomely awkward “dad/daddy issues” reveals, confessions of sex work, and more, all bookended by killer regular sets.

Memorable for:

• Hans Kim’s roommate saga
• Multiple comics opening up about trauma in unexpectedly funny ways
• Showcasing the next generation of Texas (and national) comedy talent
• Cam Patterson bridging the gap to the next wave
• Relentless, unfiltered fun with just the right level of chaos

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For fans of raw, live comedy—and anyone interested in Austin's growing comedy scene—this episode is a must-listen.

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Transcript

[Red Band]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a

[Red Band]

brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back on my standup tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this. Vancouver, Portland and Seattle. You're next. January 25th, 26th and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California. I do stand up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now@tony hinchcliffe.com this is going to be my last stretch of the standup tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you. Save. This is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. It's clip. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yeah, it sounds great. I'm gonna hand with the great Red band, everybody. This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the motherf fucking world. And you're at it. Brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red rose, Yellow Rose, ninjabuses.com, hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service and Connect Mobile Health. Or you can get an IV drip right now. Save 15% using the code kill15. How we doing tonight? You guys happy? Fuck yeah. How about one more time for the best damn band in all the land? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Paul Deemer on the horns. Matthew the Madman of Michigan muling, ladies and gentlemen, John Dees on the motherfucking keys. And this of course is the great and powerful D Madness here on the bass guitar. How about one more time for the special appearance you guys got to see by the great Tall Wilkenfeld. And here we go. A lot of fun stuff ahead. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Struck Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now Open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to have fun tonight. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? That's what I'm talking about. You know, we. We have a lot of the best guests in the world on this show, and some of them I introduced to y' all before, they are tremendously famous. This is. These are two guys that the entire world will know of. I mean, and if you don't already, they've been on the show multiple times. But these guys are about to blow the up. Two guys that are a huge part of the Austin comedy scene on all the shows, almost all the shows that we do around here with Rogan and Segura and Tim Dillon and Shane Gillis and everybody, make some noise for two of the best in the world. Two of my top young, rising comedian, favorite rising comedians on planet Earth, it's Derek Poston and Asana Mod. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for our guests. Derek Poston, you know him. He does arenas with Andrew Schultz. The greatest son of Odd survived. Survived the 911 hijackings. A rare surviv. He was flying one of the planes and hit the eject button at the last second. Not a lot of people know that. He parachuted. He paraglided out of there. Didn't have a parachute. He paraglided out of the plane. Son, tell them about that. You were very young at the time, you know. You know, Indian people, we achieve early, you know. So how old Were you during 9 11? Old enough to do it. Okay.

[Holden Deshazo]

I love it. Beautiful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll tell you that right now. I'll tell you that right now. The great Derek Poston, famous for arenas with Schultz. The flagrant podcast with Andrew Schultz, a huge member of the Schultz clan. How did you get to start working with Andrew Schultz? How does that go down exactly? Tell these people just the types of things that I do. Tony hooked it up. Tony hooked it up.

[Cam Patterson]

He said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He texted me, said, hey, bro, all

[Cam Patterson]

you got to do is suck Andrew

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Schultz dick one time, dog, and you on the tour. No, that's that.

[Cam Patterson]

He set it up, though, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the big OG he made. He's the reason I'm doing a lot

[Cam Patterson]

of the I'm doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I'm very thankful. Schultz texted me, said, who do you think would be a good feature for me in Austin, Texas? I said, I got exactly the guy. They fell in love and they Worked together ever since. He famously talked about how you love trannies on the Flagrant podcast.

[Cam Patterson]

Still do. Happily married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still do. Absolutely. He just got married. How about a hand for that, everybody? But you guys have done the show multiple times. You know how it works. A ton of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on the stage. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Mitch just interrupts them and then I conduct an interview and we talk to them. We find out more about them. The entire thing is crazy. Anything can happen and we're all going to live it here together in the moment. Are you guys ready for this shit? Let's go. I'm gonna pre pull a name. We're gonna get them from the bar across the street. Sweet little, dirty little. Poor Choices, a brand new adventure from our good friend Nick, who famously owned Vulcan Gas company. He's got a new bar, really small ceilings, very. They just started to take over. They are much lower ceilings than Sunset. Could be the second best comedy club on the street in no time. What? They are a microphone away from having the second best comedy club on the street. Poor Choices, that's right across the street, our good friend Zone it. How about a hand for Nick and Kirk up here in the house? So while we go wrangle whoever that was that I just pulled out of the bucket, we're gonna get one of our absolute historical regulars up here. A legend of the game, an absolute Korean thug, if you will, ladies and gentlemen. We found him absolutely doing nothing but open mics, making $0 a month doing stand up comedy. Now. He's got the Rolex, he's got the white girlfriend, he's got it all going for him. He's rich. He sells out all over the world now. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Make some noise for motherfucking Hans.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you. I have a Bangladeshi roommate and sometimes he cooks food so smelly I have to take a shit with the door open. Just to get rid of the smell. I have been sending a lot of Ozempic to the Palestinians in Gaza so it's easier for them to dodge the bombs. And if they do get hit, there's less mess to clean up. I hate it when ugly people act like them. Dating, it's the same thing as when hot people date like me. It's like the difference between the NFL and Major League Soccer. It's like, yeah, you're playing on the same field, but no one wants to see what you're doing. All right, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Yeah. Thank you. Fantastic. Hans, how are you?

[Hans Kim]

Good. I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was great. Good set.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you so much. That means so much to me. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. This guy is the most autistic fucking robot. How do you have both? How is it possible that you're autistic and robot?

[Hans Kim]

Like, I just am Asian. I think this is what Asians are like. Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello, indeed. I love it. So how much of that's real? Because we heard recently that a roommate complained about the smell of your kimchi, and now you're complaining about the smell of your roommate's food.

[Hans Kim]

So it seems totally made up. I. I don't even know where I came up with that shit. I think it was from a long time ago, and I looked through my notes, and I was like, oh, shit, yeah, I could do that. You know that joke on Kilkman?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So full disclosure, I am the Bangladeshi roommate that he's talking about. This biggest stinks. No, first of all, first of all, I don't cook. Second of all, bro, this motherfucker is the worst roommate when it comes to food I have ever seen in my entire life. This guy once cooked ribs and then left the state I'm talking about put the ribs in the oven, set it to 45 minutes, and then caught a plane to go to a weekend somewhere else. Just left. This is amazing. Only recently did we get to talk with Hans, his father Hans, on every single week. And now we are finding out the roommate perspective of Hans Kemp. Now we know famously red band has it right here in front of me. This is my actual first time seeing it. I've only heard of how he has a camelback water hanging above his bed with a tube so that he can lay in bed and just feed himself like some kind of Korean hamster or some like that. And it is absolutely unbelievable. I mean, you have. Your pillows are hanging out the pillowcase, and you have the tag side of the pillow coming out the hole. Coming out of the hole. You know, you're supposed to put that on the inside. Hans.

[Hans Kim]

So that's my girlfriend's bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, wow. She should know this.

[Hans Kim]

I used her. Her bed as a thing, so now everyone thinks that's my bed. They're commenting about how poor I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's. The tag does look very shitty. There's, like, on the walls. So it turns out your white girlfriend is, like, one of the dirty whites. I can say that I'm one. I'm a white guy.

[Hans Kim]

I like to think of her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If it was another race, I'd have Derek say it. Okay. All right. I don't think maybe we were all thinking of something else. She's a dirty white.

[Hans Kim]

She's. She's distracted. She's busy being hot and pretty. And it's, I think, a lot of my job to, like, clean up after her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Is that true? Guy that leaves ribs and leaves state.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I mean, I clean up her little whippets. That she does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have. I have come home before, and there's just been a box of empty canisters. Hold on a second. Because this is brand new. This is unbelievable that we always find out something new about you. How your girlfriend is a serious whippet addiction.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, Like, I'll bring it up as a joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, that's what the Whip It Queen would say. And she's like, why'd you have to bring it up? I have to go get whippets now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's fucked up. Does she do them every day?

[Hans Kim]

No, she does them like, when her friend is around her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She has a specific friend that they do whippets together?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's nice.

[Hans Kim]

She's been on Kill Tony before. The friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Hans Kim]

She's. She's ratchet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. She's the one that had the police thing around her ankle. The ankle thing I kind of remember. Who gives a shit? Okay? I don't need to know his girlfriend's friend. Who gives a fuck? All right. So have you ever talked with your girlfriend about not hanging out with this Ratchet whippet queen?

[Hans Kim]

No. I think she's pretty nice. You know, I think whippets are just what the kids are doing these days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say the kids, how old is your girlfriend again?

[Hans Kim]

25.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good, very good. Okay. What is she like when she's on the whippets? Does she do anything in particular?

[Hans Kim]

She's like, ah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does she ever do make that noise when you're inside of her?

[Hans Kim]

Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had a feeling. Ooh, whip it. Ooh, whip it good. All right. I love it. So she does a lot of whip. It's a box of empty canisters. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Next to some chicken McNuggets. That was. That's what they had left us with. Absolute trash.

[Hans Kim]

Hey, what can I say? I love America.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans. Amazing. Every interview, we find out more and more about you. A really, really good Set Fun times tonight. Hans Kim, everybody.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you, Todd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans Kim. Make some fucking noise for Hans K. I pre pull a name and I go to the name that we pulled before. This is our first bucket pool of the night. So essentially we meet these people together. Sometimes they've been on before. We're all gonna figure it out together. The whole thing's crazy and improvised. You guys ready for it? Make some noise for Camilo D. Cameo or Camilo D. I think crystal collecting is just rock collecting for bitches.

[Holden Deshazo]

I think tarot cards are just poker

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

night for dumb bitches.

[Holden Deshazo]

I think astrology stargazing for stupid ass bitches. I don't know if you guys can

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

tell by those jokes, but I'm a virgin. At least I consider myself a virgin. Because I only fuck with white women. Cause I know that as soon as I touch a Latina, she's gonna have

[Holden Deshazo]

a litter of five. And I can't jump another border.

[Spencer Michael]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, 40 gay seconds from Camilo Deeb. My unbelievable. Oh, dude. I know what it's like, bro. Trust me. I get it, dude. I get it, bro. It's happened to me a billion times. Oh, my God. You go by D because that's what you love. Oh, dude, that was a Freudian slip. I feel like he just had a nightmare. That you've had. Yeah. You call it a nightmare? That's a wet dream to me, man. Hey, yo, bitches be stupid. Women I be fucking dudes. I mean women, man. I up, dude. Yeah, that's not my nightmare, bro. That's his nightmare. What just happened tonight? You're going to wake up in the morning like you were a goddamn syllable away from survival. There you were a woo away woman.

[Holden Deshazo]

My second language, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, be funking dudes. Oh, dude, I up, dude.

[Cam Patterson]

Dog, I said I was dudes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the only part anybody's gonna remember, dog. Yo, I said the astrology. Stupid crystals is stupid. And then I accidentally said I fucked dudes. I fucked up, dog. I fucked up.

[Cam Patterson]

I up.

[Holden Deshazo]

I up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I up. Is it Camilo? Camilo. Camilo, yeah. Camilo. Camilo D. How long you been on standup? Two years. Two years. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. What do you do for work? I'm an electrician. Electrician. Hell yeah. You ever gone on a call and you go in somebody's place and it's a. And just. Dude in his shorts, he's like, hey, I need some help over here. You don't remember me? Oh, you son of a bit. I do. I remember it well, I remember it well. Was a magical moment. Put his little rocket in my socket, you know what I mean? The electricity was flowing. Okay. Jesus Christ. Right back. You don't remember me. And then I saved it, dude. I got the fucking guy, dude. It was fucking huge, dude. Like, at first, me being gay was bad. And then I turned it around like

[Cam Patterson]

I do with dudes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I took the opportunity and I fucked

[Cam Patterson]

it in the ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you, Camilo? Camilo.

[Spencer Michael]

I'm about to turn 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

26. What do you do for fun in this crazy world when you're not doing stand up comedy? Stand up? Yep. Soccer. Soccer? Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are gay. Yeah, dude. I mean, I suck a. So you like balls on your feet and your hands. It's great. You like them on your face? Hell, yeah. Absolutely. I bet when you're hanging out with dudes, it gets a little messy. Soccer reference. Shut up. Relax. All right. What else about you, Camille? What would we be surprised to know about you? I'm training for the half marathon here in Austin. You're training for the what? Half marathon. Okay. All right. Well, I'm running a lot, drinking half a drink tonight. Does that mean that's what I'm doing right now? Why are you training for a real marathon? And just. That's too much. Why? Why don't you just do it and then finish halfway? Just stop. Then brag to your friends about how you did it? That's a good idea. Hell, yeah, dude. Absolutely. So a half marathon. Did they just give you like a fucking half a medal if you finish that or something? Like a half a trophy?

[Holden Deshazo]

I get half a dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what? Hold on. Now he's gay.

[Cam Patterson]

Into the gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gay again. Look, dude, I was super gay, and then I flipped it on Tony.

[Cam Patterson]

And then I was gay again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Again? Dude, it's like a trilogy. It's Return of the Jedi, but it's me being gay, Dude, I. I up again, dude. All right, I love it. So what is your love life actually like when you're out there with the women? Nothing right now is dead. Nothing right now. It's dead. You're a dead chick. Yeah, okay, but seriously, like, the last time you were with a woman. You're 26, you're Latino. I mean, you are ready to breed. So let's talk about it. I'm a little late, actually. What? I'm a little late on breeding. You're a what? Late. Right. Yes, Absolutely. Okay, so let's go to my question. What's going on? Last time you got laid. What happened there?

[Cam Patterson]

What happened?

[Holden Deshazo]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm kidding, man. I. I know you're kidding. I always know when you're joking because the room goes completely silent. So, like, when was it? About ballpark? How long ago? Three years. Oh, shit. Trace, you basically are a virgin.

[Holden Deshazo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If a Latino goes two years or more without getting laid, they are re. Virginized. Not a lot of people know that. Yeah. Okay. When's the last time you saw. Speaking of virgins, when's the last time you saw Virgin Mary in, like, toast or something like that? That happens to your people a lot. You're like, oh, gee, God's talking to me or something. All right, maybe toast isn't the right in your. On your tortilla.

[Cam Patterson]

Tortilla.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Cam Patterson]

Tostada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tostada. Absolutely. Tostadas. A couple dude salads, from what I understand. All right. Cameo D. Here's a little joke book. Thank you. Fun times. Welcome. There he goes. On to the next one. Dude. He was so gay. Dude, I up. Dude. There was that one good part. I can hear you do that all night. Makes the noise for your next comedian. ZZ Everyone. ZZ you believe? Okay. Come on. One more time for ZZ Everyone. What's up? Okay. Is the minute started.

[Hans Kim]

Okay.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I grew up in Iraq. I moved to the US 2017. In my culture, we have a saying. When you want someone to leave and never come back to throw seven rocks behind them. Rocks. Rocks.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Not bombs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rocks. 1, 2, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. No, 7, not 8. 7.

[Corinne Aliyah]

So the day when I was moving, I turned to my family and said,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

demolish the house behind me. Rumor has it they found weapons of mass destructions beneath it. Well, no, this is bullshit. I just turned 37. Why are you fucking laughing? I'm allowed to brag about turning 37. I look fucking fly. My mom wants me to settle down and, like, find a good guy and marry. She doesn't know I live in Austin. So there you go, ZZ Everybody. Jesus Christ. No, that's not how it works, ZZ Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope. The man is talking Iraqi woman. No, that's not how the show works. Please. You know better than anybody. I know your fucking father would know. Only talk if I ask you a question. No, stop talking. Don't stop. You're gonna ruin this for everybody like you did our economy. You Iraqi people. It's absolutely incredible. There's your hackiest joke ever. You couldn't have bombed any harder. But Iraqi people don't really? Bomb. Turns out, like the actual Iraqis. Okay, very good. That's great. Great. Don't talk. Yes, sir. Like most Iraqis, you had no weapons of destruction here tonight. Absolutely incredible. You suck at this. How long have you been attempted. Don't talk unless I ask you a question. You're fucking unbearable. Relax. Only answer questions and answer them honestly. Okay, sure. How long have you been doing standing up? Three months. Huh. All here in Austin, Texas. This is where you live? Yeah. What do you do for a living? I work at ut. Uti? Is that the only UT you know,

[Corinne Aliyah]

you look like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I look like I have a urinary tract infection. Everybody. You look like you've never been to college. Okay, very good. Yes. Good one. You never come back. Z. Can somebody throw a shoe at her YouTube. What did you say? ZZ you are unbearable. Stop talking. Have you ever seen this show before?

[Red Band]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Only. Only on YouTube shorts. Right. Okay. All right. You said. You said to respond honestly. I am honest. Z. Z. You are unbearable. Oh, my God. What are you doing? My mom would agree. Okay, there she goes. ZZ Everybody. You're the worst. There you go. Very good. Never sign up again. You're unbearable. No. No goodbye. No joke book. No. The worst. How about a big boo for ZZ Everybody? Come on. You can boo harder than that. All right. Got another bucket pull here. Anything can happen. Let's see. Have a good. This looks, it seems like the name of a good old American girl, huh? Makes a noise for Corinne, Aliyah, everybody. Here we go. Corinne, Aaliyah.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Do you guys ever realize that God doesn't answer prayers because he keeps killing all the wrong people? Yeah, I figured that out recently because my dad is still alive. Yeah, I have daddy issues, in case you can't tell. He didn't leave or anything. I just fucking hate that guy, you know? But it's okay. It's okay, because he still follows me really close on Onlyfans. Yeah, he'll leave comments under my stuff. He'll be like, I miss you, sweetheart. You have your mother's tits. Please return my calls. Love, dad. You guys. In case you guys didn't know this, women in comedy aren't actually funny. We're not. It's because we aren't having the shit beat out of us anymore like the good old days, you know? At least the Middle east is doing one fucking thing right. Making women funny again. That's it. Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah. Corinne, Aliyah. That last joke would have hit a lot harder if that Middle Eastern bitch didn't Eat it right before you. I gotta tell you, she ruined you. That was incredible. They missed one. There's one not getting beat hard enough out there. That was amazing. That was good. Thank you, Corinne. Aaliyah.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. Have you been on the show before?

[Corinne Aliyah]

No, I've never been on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been on stand up?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Five months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five months. All of it here in Austin?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is where you're from?

[Corinne Aliyah]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I'm originally from Louisiana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What's your ethnicity?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I am a weird ethnicity. I'm actually kjistani. It's a word that my friend coined. I'm actually half Pakistani, and I'm half Cajun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah.

[Corinne Aliyah]

My mom's family's from Louisiana, and my dad's Pakistani.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Hasan's heart is a rocket. Pretty sure he wants to pack your stanny. I was gonna say that food must make you something fierce. That's crazy, dude. Yeah, the old shrimp and hummus. You know what I mean? The old. The old. All right. There's not much you could do with Pakistani. Cajun. It's a. It's a hard combo. So your mom is the Pakistani?

[Corinne Aliyah]

No, my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And he found your wife white, like, Cajun mother. Huh. In Louisiana. What does your dad do for a living?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I don't know. I don't talk. I haven't talked to him in very years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many years?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Like, five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not talking to your dad? The last time you guys talked, what was the context of that? What was that like?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I don't even remember, to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That doesn't make any sense. Red band, at least.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Sick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So stupid. Yes. His dad tried to her is what. Red bands for those that are in seventh grade and have an absolutely moronic sense of humor during a serious part of an interview. So you said that you wanted your dad to be murdered in your 60 seconds, and you're saying that you haven't talked to him in years, but you don't remember any of the trauma that he instilled upon you? Exactly.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Oh, he definitely did traumatize me as a child.

[Cam Patterson]

It.

[Corinne Aliyah]

No, just like when I was growing up, just emotionally just ignored me and was absent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D is a dad.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good. Good. Okay. How long have you lived in Austin?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I've moved here at the end of January.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how's it going for you? How do you like it?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I really like it out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you like to do? What do you do for fun?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I fight. Fight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You fight?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I do muay. Thai.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. There goes Red Band's chances of a successful rape. All right. Okie dokie?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You do Muay Thai? He does more Thai food than anybody else. He does pad Thai.

[Red Band]

Tie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, those are the only pads. All right. Okay. Very fun, Corinne. So what else is going on other than Muay Thai? What else do you do for fun? I'm pretty much when a girl like Corinne wants to let her hair down. That sweet, sweet, young Howard Stern hair that you have. Yeah. How do you do it?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah, I look like Borat. If you were trans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. All right, but what else? When you want to get crazy, like, what's. What's a wild night for Corinne? Alia.

[Corinne Aliyah]

I don't know. I don't. I don't go out. I don't drink or party or anything like that, like everybody else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So because your dad told you, you better not.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Precisely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What's. Are you dating somebody?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What does he do?

[Corinne Aliyah]

He's around. He's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God. Is it Michael Gonzalez? Holy God. He seems to be close. Red band? No. Okay, so that's off limits, it seems

[Corinne Aliyah]

it's still pretty new, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay. You've seen this show before. What else do you think's an interesting thing that you could talk about right now? That before we let you go, that.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah, yeah. Something really interesting about me or anything

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's ever happened in your life. Maybe you almost died or saved somebody's life.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah, I actually. I actually lost my virginity to a pedophile.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. You're dead.

[Corinne Aliyah]

No, not my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not my dad.

[Corinne Aliyah]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, this is great. This is exactly the type of interview I love.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Things just took a turn here. So when you say you lost your virginity to a pedophile, what do you mean exactly? Go ahead.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Oh, he was my church pastor at the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How. How old were you?

[Corinne Aliyah]

16 going to 17. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old was he?

[Corinne Aliyah]

He was at least in his 30s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. It just took another turn. A lot of these interviews go from like hero to villain to fucking. Okay, that's kind of depressing. Is he in jail now?

[Corinne Aliyah]

He did go to jail, right? He got out. I don't know what. I have no clue what happened to him after.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, usually it's was a Catholic church.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Surprisingly no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind was it?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Non denominational

[Red Band]

hippies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That one. We all know how we feel about those non denominationals. You know what I mean? Right. But it's a church, so they probably hired him right back afterwards. Let's face it, Probably. Okay. And how did that make you? Was that traumatizing for you?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah, significantly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did your dad make you feel bad about it? Did he find out about it?

[Corinne Aliyah]

He doesn't know about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Do you think your dad's gonna watch this set?

[Corinne Aliyah]

I don't know. I don't know if he's gonna.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is comedy one of those things? Like, do you sometimes think about your dad when you think about getting good at this and getting better and perhaps being, you know. How old are you?

[Corinne Aliyah]

25.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So you're starting young. You have a lot of time to get really good at this. Is your dad one of those things where you're like, I'm gonna fucking show him this stupid asshole Pakistani piece of shit? You think about this, right? Yeah, because that's the thing, you know, we don't really talk about that. But when you're starting, there's people, you know, like, maybe a girl that broke your heart or the dad that wasn't in your life, or teachers that did this. There's, like, images in your head where you're like, I'm gonna fucking show these people. But your dad's your number one?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Pretty much. I write a lot of jokes about it, and I think it's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You close with your mom?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And do you talk with her? Is she still with your dad?

[Corinne Aliyah]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long ago did they separate?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Like, when I was very, very little and I lived with my mom most of my life in Louisiana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And your mom just talk shit about them?

[Corinne Aliyah]

Yes. And she's seen several of my sets, and she just. She laughs. She thinks it's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. That's so great to have a supportive mom.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he Pakistan his bags and left? Hell, yeah. Just left a little trail of sand right out the door.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. All right, well, amazing, amazing stuff, Corinne. A great interview.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here, have a big joke book. Have one of these. It's for your files. Put it in your files. Your pedophiles. All right. Pulled another name out of the butt. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise for our next bucket play. Spencer Michael, ladies and gentlemen. Spencer Michael. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Spencer Michael.

[Spencer Michael]

My wife says that I can be emotionally insensitive. Like the other day, she calls me up and she goes, honey, I've got some terrible news. Uncle Dave was in a car accident. They had to cut him out. It's really bad. I'm like, oh, my God, Uncle Dave. Is he okay? She goes, we don't know. Well, what happened? She goes, we don't know. Like, well, how'd you find out? She goes, well, his daughter called us. His daughter? Baby, my Uncle Dave is gay. He doesn't have a D. Oh, do you mean your Uncle Dave? Shit, baby, why didn't you say that? I was worried. Anyway, he's dead now, so it doesn't matter, but. So I can be worried though. Like when. My mom got breast cancer a few years ago, so I was terrified, but she ended up being okay. She had a double mastectomy, though. And I didn't know this, but part of the process of the reconstruction is they suck out some of that tummy fat and they pop it up top, create two new boobs. She thought it was cool because she got a boob job and a tummy tuck at the same time. I thought it was cool because now it's not that weird. When I check out her tits, it's just her fucking stomach. Thank you all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Spencer, Michael, this is your first time on the show, right? It is, it is. Has anybody ever told you that you look like if someone sucked all of the blood out of Anthony Jeselnik?

[Spencer Michael]

You'd be the first, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Welcome. Welcome indeed. Spencer, you're wearing the lucky Italian pepper there.

[Spencer Michael]

I am, yes. I'm not that Italian myself, but I married into basically a mob family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Family.

[Spencer Michael]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Is that where you got the jacket, the T shirt, the pants?

[Spencer Michael]

Absolutely. The whole thing now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Spencer Michael]

If I don't look the part, I stand out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Spencer Michael]

I'm 28.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're only 28? You got married? How long were you with this girl?

[Spencer Michael]

With her for 10 years now. Married for 5 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 years. So you were 18.

[Spencer Michael]

18 years old?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That you lost your virginity to? No. Oh, does she know that?

[Spencer Michael]

Yes, she does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you the guy that she lost her virginity to? Yes, I was.

[Spencer Michael]

Just me. No one else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You believe that? You are not the Godfather. All right, Spencer, how long you been doing stand up?

[Spencer Michael]

Stand up for about a month now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Only a month? Adorable. You started here in Austin? This is where you live? Yep, that is correct. Okay. What do you do for work?

[Spencer Michael]

I market pharmaceutical drugs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. What a piece of shit you are. Hell yeah. The old Pfizer miser.

[Spencer Michael]

Absolutely. Yeah. Who got the jab? Everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like a young. No, they all. They're not here. Cause they died, you faggot. He's like a young Buscemi.

[Cam Patterson]

He looks like the sloth from Ice Age.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what he looks like. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. D Madness is going to watch Ice Age real quick. He's gonna be right back. He's like, I don't get it. Show me that shit real quick. Let me feel the. All right. Okay, so you're 28 years old. You've been in the same relationship for 10 years, one month in a standup. What made you want to start standup?

[Spencer Michael]

It's a little bit more fun than marketing drugs for the bad guys, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but you still have to do that to make a living.

[Spencer Michael]

Exactly, I do. I got a kid now, so I can't walk away from it quickly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what exactly do you do?

[Spencer Michael]

I'm on the relationship side. So basically I'm just a friendly voice on the other side of the phone so that the company that I work for can market more and more drugs for the people that make them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the company that you.

[Spencer Michael]

Not making friends, I can tell it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're advertising that the drugs by the huge pharmaceutical companies are good, basically, and you're coming up with ideas for that, or you're really just the relation.

[Spencer Michael]

Really just on the relation side. I'll give them some ideas, but I'm

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

not like, well, what's one of your ideas that you've given a pharmaceutical company?

[Spencer Michael]

I mean, I have a couple I signed an NDA for, but one was to show more diversity. They really seem to like that one a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, that's you causing that, huh?

[Spencer Michael]

Oh, absolutely, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotta have a Mexican, a black, a

[Spencer Michael]

white, and at least one woman, and you'll be able to sell some drugs.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. You're the scum of the earth now

[Spencer Michael]

you sound like my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, anyway, the girl you're with, Italian. What is. What do you notice about Italian culture that you're not used to? What are some things that stand out to you?

[Spencer Michael]

Gotta give them more room to talk. You can't stand too close, you're gonna get smacked on the head. That's a pretty big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Spencer Michael]

You get that she's got, like three uncles that aren't related to her. So that was weird for me. She got like Uncle Tony, Andy and Vincent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Spencer Michael]

They're cool guys, but yeah, they're not blood related at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. A fun fact is that Italians have uncles, black people have cousins. It is a cultural thing. Don't ask too many questions. I might get slammed. You know what I mean? Yeah, I bet they bully you a lot. You have a vitamin D deficiency.

[Spencer Michael]

That's the first I'M hearing of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you. Did you get vaccinated yourself? I don't normally. I mean, everybody, the Kyle, they got political. The Davidson Stoney moved to Texas. They think it's. They think it's that they're putting the chicken after the egg or something like that. I moved here because of this.

[Spencer Michael]

I did. I did regret it, but I did get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did you get a booster?

[Spencer Michael]

I did get a booster too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get two boosters?

[Spencer Michael]

Just the one. I came to my sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did it make you feel? Did you feel good? You got coveted immediately afterwards.

[Spencer Michael]

Oh, immediately. It was like three months later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's almost crazy.

[Spencer Michael]

Came down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. How. How did. How did it treat you, though? You must have been, since you were vaccinated. Must have been just done with it immediately.

[Spencer Michael]

Not at all. It was like three weeks of coughing

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

three weeks after being vaccinated. It's amazing. Is it so safe and effective?

[Spencer Michael]

Yeah, it was amazing, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, it's crazy because you see all the stats and everything that the big companies pay for, but it almost seems like anybody you talk to in real life has the same fucking story. It's kind of crazy, right?

[Spencer Michael]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I sling that as a professional. Similar, but sleep at night.

[Spencer Michael]

Not well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Very good. Just making sure now. I like you. Very good. Way to own it. Okay, so, Spencer, what do you do for fun?

[Spencer Michael]

I play music. I'm a drummer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? You're a drummer? Oh, well, well, well. I got news for you, my friend. I don't know if you know this.

[Cam Patterson]

Are you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you a. Are you a fan of the show? Yeah. You know how this works? We have a historical segment called A Mexican Drum off, ladies and gentlemen, where you have a chance right now, even though you're only a month into comedy and we don't even know your drum skills whatsoever. But for the sake of history, we have a segment where you can become the full time drummer of the show if you beat Michael Gonzalez in a drum solo battle, which the audience, not even us, can't even make it up. But you guys get to decide who the better drummer was on this night. And if you win, you're the new full time drummer. You get to leave your job as a piece of big drum, big drug company advertising relations guy, and you get to be the new drummer on Kill, Tony. Every single episode. We're talking arenas. We have arenas. Arenas. We're an arena act. You could be in arenas with your Italian Halloween costume, just living your dreams. And by the way, how it works is Michael Gonzalez Would have to become a drug slinging guy and he would be fucking your ultra Italian wife. That's another thing. You have to completely switch lives. So, ladies and gentlemen, this will be a drum solo. Get back there. This is Spencer Michael. It's been a long time since we've had one of these. Very controversial, this segment because a lot of people have said in the past ask that this or that, that people have done good or bad. But we're going to find out. Spencer, how do you feel back there? You confident? You feel good? All right, here we go. This is a Mexican drum off. This is Spencer Michael, everybody. Sam. All right, put a ribbon on it, Michael. Bring it home. That's your big finishing move there. All right. Come on, Michael, play the fucking drums. I could beat you right now, but I'm not going to. I'm not going. No, I'm not going to. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, Michael Gonzalez, everybody. You know I would, but I'm not gonna do that. I want to be entertained. This is Michael's throne. Michael's job to look lose. This is Michael Gonzalez. Sam. Wow. Geez Louise. A brutal murder has taken place here today. Yeah. Good job, dude. Spencer, Michael, how do you feel like that went?

[Spencer Michael]

Oh, I think I know who won. It was pretty obvious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many of you have Spencer Michael winning and being the new full time drummer of Kill Tony.

[Spencer Michael]

I agree, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, there's one in the room. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez keeping his job? You tried, Spencer. You gave it your all. Hasan. Well, it was just nice to see the pharmaceutical drug pusher get his kicked in. That was nice, bro. I felt like Michael did that for America. That's how I felt for sure. God bless you, Michael. For sure. But my friend, since your drum solo was solo energy, I'm going to give you some energy. Plus caffeine toothpicks from our friends over at Zipix. And here, my friend, is indeed a month in a little joke book for you to get started. You gonna give Michael his drumsticks back? You're gonna let him keep them? Oh, you got a souvenir you'll always remember the night you got fucking absolutely demolished. Hell, yeah. Have a great night. Spencer Michael, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. All right, we're gonna keep it moving here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Blake Alexander. Make some noise, everybody. Blake Alexander. These people wait all night for this. Make some noise, folks. Blake Alexander.

[Dave Harriman]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey.

[Red Band]

I appreciate you. Nice to see you. Family dynamics are interesting. Mom and dad Are very different creatures. If you really piss mom off, she might ground you or go cry in her room. If you really piss dad off, he might kill the whole family. What Michael Jackson did to those kids is bad, but wouldn't it be so much worse to get molested by some nobody? I don't know about you folks, but I would let Caitlyn Jenner go down on me. I would for sure. Because then I would have bragging rights for the rest of my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Life.

[Red Band]

Like, oh, yeah, Well, I got head from one of the Jenner girls. People would be like, really? Which one? Nah, don't worry about it. I appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, folks. There you go. Okay, Blake Alexander. Solid set. How's it going, Blake?

[Red Band]

Doing wonderful, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time on the show.

[Red Band]

Second time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, welcome back. How long you been doing standup?

[Red Band]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All of it here in Texas? Texas.

[Red Band]

No, I started in Colorado, like, right around the beginning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been in Austin?

[Red Band]

About two years now. Coming up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for a living?

[Red Band]

I'm a bartender on 6th Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bartender on 6th Street. Okay. Yeah, starting to remember that. West six or this side of six.

[Red Band]

This out of six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting.

[Red Band]

The boundary. Dirty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, little. Well, two put together to be on this side of 6th Street.

[Red Band]

Hell yeah, I creep. I'm a degenerate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us more about the. That.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I mean, I got sober recently. Like, five months sober of alcohol. So that was, you know, beer's big for me. I definitely, like. Yeah, I appreciate you, of course, not projecting. Please, everyone drink. Enjoy it if you can enjoy it. Please do. Like, again, having a couple cocktails.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a.

[Red Band]

What a beautiful part of life. If you can do that and not also almost kill yourself on a monthly, weekly basis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How terrible did your drinking get?

[Red Band]

I mean, at a level, a lot of crazy. Yeah, just a lot of crazy. I completely black out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us a quantity. Like, when would you start? What would you drink?

[Red Band]

I would. I just. I go into the plan. I'm like, yeah, maybe have a couple shots and, you know, and then. But mostly kind of just keep the beers or keep the, like, individual drink cocktails. But once I get a couple of shots in, it's like the demon just,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know, what types of things would happen when the demon.

[Red Band]

Yeah, so I like to. Yeah, I would do, like, again, I would love to get sex work. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you would order prostitutes?

[Red Band]

Well, I didn't like, actually, the prostitutes. I. That made me feel dirty, so I had to. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of blackout drunk are you, dude? Hey, yo, get over here. I want to talk with you. My dad was so mean to me.

[Red Band]

Yeah, no, I, I, I, I, I definitely went there probably a couple dozen times or maybe a dozen or something. But I really settled on massage and a hand job that's like, for me, the sweet spot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a legit massage.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I mean, that's what's amazing about the service that exists. Asian massage parlors, but also private dealers online. It's unbelievable. Just, just an hour massage. I would recommend everyone, encourage everyone, hour

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

long full body massage.

[Red Band]

Just get a massage for your own, like health care and you'll feel amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yes. We all get our advice from dirty six street bartenders. Thank you.

[Red Band]

Hey, amazing massage is self care. That's objective.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Getting massages is good for mental health.

[Dave Harriman]

Thank you.

[Red Band]

No again, you'll feel good, but hand job is the greatest thing to top off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know you can do that to yourself.

[Red Band]

I prefer not. I, I've had plenty of experience with that. I enjoy the novel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has anyone ever given you a better hand job than you?

[Cam Patterson]

Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An old Asian woman at a massage parlor. Really? Oh, yeah, son. Hey, hey, dog.

[Red Band]

I get you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, bro. I'm alone out here. Wow. It's like not even close. So like. Bro, it's like not even close. They're the Usain bolts of giving hand jobs, dog. You don't even know. Damn. That is so interesting.

[Red Band]

You can't give yourself a forehand hand job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A forehand hand job? Yeah. At a level, two girls saying an upside down.

[Red Band]

Two girls. You're just two girls in the room. Like at 11, there's just fun little

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

creatures, hands at once.

[Red Band]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, working the balls again, stimulating.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It seems like there's more than just that going on.

[Red Band]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think you have the dick. That would take four hands.

[Red Band]

No, I mean, I'm not literally thinking four hand dick, but what do you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

have like someone like rubbing your thigh or something like that?

[Red Band]

There's two balls and you know, so

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they have one hand on each ball. Is that what you're.

[Red Band]

I mean, they get creative. They literally try to suck on the nipples.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't do that. You're not my girlfriend. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm blacked out drunk. Stay away from these nips. Yeah, bro. No, no, no. I'm paying you.

[Red Band]

I make the rules. That's. It's an amazing thing though, at a level. The sure thing of it, that's what goes kind of addicting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Other than sucking on the Nips. What else have they tried to do that you.

[Red Band]

They try. They try to suck, they try to escalate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you don't want that.

[Red Band]

I go, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Respectfully, no. No mouth. No. No, they understand only. Yeah. Why is that?

[Red Band]

Why would you.

[Cam Patterson]

Teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry? Their teeth are what?

[Red Band]

Rotting out of their mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus.

[Red Band]

These are. No, not all of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These are low budget.

[Red Band]

The one that tried to blow me again. If she had a nice set of teeth, it might have been a different story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, he's just poor. Yeah. How much were you paying for these? I. I haven't.

[Red Band]

Only. It's not only these gross, like, mangled women. There's again, there's a range. There's before. Before I. I quit drinking. Kind of why I quit drinking. Part of it was I went, signed up for two open mics and then got like blackout drunk and then ended up going and getting this Brazilian private. Private, you know, not. You don't go to a salon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did you give her a hand job? Those Brazilians?

[Red Band]

The opportunity present itself? I may have, but no, she was a real woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And in call or out call?

[Red Band]

In call.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Yes.

[Dave Harriman]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

And yeah. So like, they call. It's amazing. It's a beautiful thing not to blow up their.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Know all the dirt balls were wondering in call or out.

[Red Band]

Yeah, no, it was a very comfortable in call. Airbnb safe. But I had trouble. Yeah, it was this horrible thing. Like, they were so beautiful. It's unbelievable almost how beautiful they are. And I'm like, wow, you're really doing this. No, again, not. I'm not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were drunk. No, no, no.

[Red Band]

You. You see the pictures when you, you know, if you do your research, you're doing sober research. Drunk integration, drunk execution.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So have you gotten one of these girls since you've been sober?

[Red Band]

No, no, that's definitely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Even though the pictures of them are so beautiful.

[Red Band]

No, it is, trust me. I still stand by a couple of these.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. A couple. One could not believe how beautiful these available women are to come over and give a hand for the price, I would say.

[Red Band]

Unbelievable, you know, what was the price?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the price of a Brazilian?

[Red Band]

It was for a 30 minute, 150.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the price of an Asian for an hour? Hour.

[Red Band]

What? Sorry?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the price of an Asian for an hour?

[Red Band]

Oh, 120 for a massage plus a hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the price for an Asian for a half an hour?

[Red Band]

I. I didn't go. I was. I was indulging. I always go to 60 minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You always Go with this. I like the massage. I love 60 minute 120, but 30 minute hand job from a Brazilian 150 and she's. I'm 10. And they don't do massages. They'll just straight to the dick. They will not rub a shoulder.

[Red Band]

And they. For 30 minutes, they give you like 10 minutes of a shoulder massage. Massage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's like.

[Red Band]

Yeah, it's pretty much right to business, but again, it's still kind of cute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All right. By the way, the massages he's talking about, his price range are not real massages. Just a girl doing this to your disgusting. I don't even like you. We're here for business purposes only. I'm a loyal, loyal boy. That's all this is. All right. So, Blake, anything else crazy we'd be surprised to know about you. Last time you were on the show, you probably weren't sober, right? This is why I don't recognize you. You're like one of those dogs that like, got rescued and like, you're all like, cleaned up now, like a different shade and shape and everything.

[Red Band]

Yeah, maybe a little bit. Definitely. Probably a little bit healthier, but yeah, no, I mean, I'm chilling. I'm. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Less.

[Red Band]

Less crazy. Sex, work and addiction and waking up, you know, 4am at a random gas station, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure.

[Red Band]

Lost phone. And so again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Trying to live. Trying to. To enjoy this miracle of life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And last time you were. You got a little joke book?

[Red Band]

No, I got a big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, there you go. Enjoy it. Keep it going. Blake Alexander. Appreciate you. Have a good night.

[Red Band]

I love you all. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're flying through them tonight. Another bucket pool. We're flying through them. Make some noise for Samantha Blumenthal, everybody. Samantha Blumenthal. Here we go.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Hey, guys. I was a rhythmic gymnast for 12 years. Just wanted to show you that in case anything I say bombs, you still know I'm talented. Thank you. Last night, this guy told me I had resting astrology face and I don't get it. Guys just think that I just kind of like, know everything about zodiac signs and crystals. I don't understand. You know, I don't know things about that, but I do believe in minerals. Mineral.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking dumb.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I'm so sorry. I think this is because of my dad. When I was growing up, my dad fucked my best friend, Diana Ray. Yeah, you can look her up on Facebook. She's. She's really fucking hot. I want to be. I want to be really clear. I love my dad and he's Not a pedophile.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

It's worse. He's a bar mitzvah dj. Yeah. My friends tell me all the time, they're like, sam, you have daddy issues. I'm like, how do I have daddy issues? I don't even fucking talk to him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. There you go. Samantha Blumenthal doing all of her time. Hello. How are you?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I'm doing well. How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. How long you been doing standup?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Two months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two months?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, thanks.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very fun. Thank you. Resting. Astrology. Men are all dumb. I don't know if you know this, but we found out earlier that women that are into astrology and stuff are dumb. Dude, according to a Mexican gay guy that was on earlier.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Okay. I miss it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're two months in. You live here in Austin?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I do live in Austin, yeah. I moved here four and a half years ago from Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chicago, Absolutely. Good move. Get out of there. Especially this time of the year. An absolutely miserable place. Especially for a little Jewish girl.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Thank you. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So cold, I can't even walk right. Well, glasses.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Okay, I'll be honest. I have an autoimmune condition and now I'm an autoimmune condition, okay? It's called cold urticari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

So I get hives.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eticaria. Isn't that one of your cousins? Sorry. I'm sorry. It's cause you're black. All right, go ahead.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I get hives in really cold temperatures, so that's why I moved to Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Well, you're gonna. We're gonna see those hives when Red man puts you in his freezer tonight. Okay? Samantha, what do you do for work?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I'm a. I'm a dietitian. I help people heal their relationship with food and body image.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk about that. What are some ways that you can heal a relationship with food and body image?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Well, you know, what are some of your secrets? I think one of the biggest things that I help with is kind of navigating emotional eating. So any emotional eaters out in the crowd?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you listening to this? This is your part. Not an emotional eater. Tony, she could save your life. This is your chance to really turn things around. Yeah, you're playing that for you. No, look over here. Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up. Lean over here. Let's listen to her. Put the mic down. Let's just listen to her. Go ahead. Keep that up.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

So if you feel that you're eating from an emotional place, there's two questions we can ask ourselves the first one, what am I feeling? The second, what do I need? Because we only know what we need

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

right when we know material and lower ceilings. I'm gonna eat so much tonight, Daddy. He's a little piggy. Oh, we got a little piggy on the soundboard tonight. All right. I like that. And you've been able to help people?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yes, I have. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're good at it.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I am good. I just quit my job, though. I was there for four and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't do that now.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I don't do it anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got sick of those fat, sad.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yes, I did. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Enough is enough.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah, I'll be working as a dietitian again somewhere else. But I have three months before I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

start that in call alcohol. What are we talking about? Red Bad Red Band. God, you're being a naughty boy. Red Band. Okay. What do your parents know that you're doing this? Your Jewish parents still together?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

No, they're not my. I mean, my dad, my friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, that is interesting.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Usually Jewish fathers are very centered balance. How do you think that went down? Do you know why they ended up. Do you know? Like, was your. Was your friend like little. A little dirty slut?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

She was a. A dirty little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old was she when she. Your dad?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah, she. There was more to that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is she of age?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

She was 19 years old, so, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your dad was patient.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would imagine. I mean, you don't just start liking your daughter's best friend at 19. You're kind of eyeballing him at the pool a little bit. You're slip and slide. Hey, be. You better fix yourself. Floaty's sliding off. Let me help you there. DK her bat mitzvah.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

So she was a bar mitzvah? She was one of his dancers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was what?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

So make some noise if you've been to a bar mitzvah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what are we doing here?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just get into it. Answer my question. Make some noise. Have you done some Yiddish? What the. Come on, stick with. Stick with the thing here. Make some noise if you like saving money. Make some noise if you like over retaliating in a war with barely a competitor who loves destroying civilian life. Make some noise. Oh, yeah, you're in a little truth chamber tonight.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah, no, I feel that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel that. Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, geez. Got again. We love our sponsors. We love our sponsors. Oh, boy. It's all jokes. It's a comedy show. Know Jewish people would never do any of those things. It's a. It's a. It's a clown horn. All right. You guys would never do that to Palestine. All right.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I think there's. I mean, there's like. There's more interesting things about me than my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's cool. Let's stick with your dad and stick with your dad, your best friend. You brought it up. Part of your minute. I. I'm just doing my job here. We can get to those other interesting things. You're a great interview. You're very present. Unbelievable. For two months in. I'm serious. Thank you. Great. Thank you. But let's get back to the dad for a little bit, then we'll find out more about you. So what did you leave out of the story?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

What I leave out of the story? Well, I mean, it was like you technically are a woman once you turn 13. She was 19, so mazel tov, dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's basically. Basically a fucking cougar at that point.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Right, Exactly.

[Spencer Michael]

The Jew.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah. A jooger. A Jaguar. I don't know. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. So you said there's more interesting things about you. Let's talk about it.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah. So I am a contortionist. I was a rhythmic gymnast for 12 years. I'd love to show you guys something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely. In call or out call. All right. Okay, Here we go. For those of you just listening to the podcast, she is on her hands. Holy. She is. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. Wow. Unbelievable. Oh, my God. I saw her moxo and her balls. Would you like to go?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I was. I was on our national team when I was in seventh grade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that. Yeah, I love that. That is incredible. And you have to, like, stretch a lot for that.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I do. Yeah. I stretch a lot for that. I was. I mean, I stopped.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I have, like, pretty bad back problems, but obviously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but actually, Red Band also has back problems. You're basically a contortionist. Redback. Yeah, I can. Yeah. He can sit at a 90 degree angle or lay down. It's unbelievable. The range on this guy sleeping or eating with one of. That's right. Unbelievable. So let me ask you this, because this is what every dude is thinking in the room right now. Dude is. What's the craziest contortion position you've ever had sex in? Has anyone ever. You like, whatever. That was like froggy style or whatever.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

The froggy style.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Upside.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I don't know. I get pretty tired. I just like laying on my back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Jewish girl. Come on. That's a Jewish girl. She's more Jewish than contortionist. All the guys that saw her contort that are like, I'm gonna do some crazy with that one. She's just like, are you done yet? Are you done yet?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

So I tried to do crazy shit with my ex, but I found out that he was cheating on me. I saw videos on his computer. He was sucking dick while wearing my clothes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way. Oh, my.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

That's why I started standup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy. I don't remember dating you at all. Just kidding. I'm not gay at all. Wow. So what were you doing on his computer?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I was. It was the first time I've ever snooped because I. My intuition was screaming at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, yeah. Hell yeah.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah. And I opened up his computer, and it was in a file labeled Sus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is such a great interview. Thank you. That is unbelievable.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah, it was really traumatic and. And funny. I get sus S Us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really said that.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah. And I didn't even have to open anything. Like, I. I opened the computer, and it was just up like. You know when, like, you have, like, a virus, and it's just like. It was just like, video of him sucking dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Video, video, video, video, video.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

And I'm like, holy, Holy fucking shit. You suck dick better than I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Obviously. Jewish girl. Jewish women. What types of articles of clothing of yours was he wearing?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Just, like, a few of my favorite shirts. Like, pants like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Like, girly stuff.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Girly stuff. You know? And I don't want to, like, shame his kinks, but, like, he fucking cheated on me, you know? And it's like, fuck that. That. It's okay. I'm over it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. That's amazing. Do you think you're a little bit. Perhaps. Perhaps prude, like, you were not satisfying him or. I mean, it seems like he's pretty much gay, though.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I just didn't have a dick, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So is he, like, happily gay now?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Is he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he out of your closet? That's a smart one. That's a smart. Smart and funny. That checks all the buckets boxes. He came out of your closet.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

That's great. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That writes this.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, but is he, like, totally gay now?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I have no idea. Like, I had to just disconnect myself from that. Yeah. For myself, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Did you at least send yourself the videos?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Oh, I have. I recorded it because I'm like, if he gets home, and I'm like, what the is this? And he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I'd be like, well, look, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I still have it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You masturbate to that?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah, I masturbate to it every night, you know? Yeah. No, I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So have you moved? Have you been with another man since that happened?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I have, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Are you currently in a relationship?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I am not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So you're. You're just dating?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I'm just. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it mostly just Jewish guys? Was he a Jewish guy?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, was he

[Samantha Blumenthal]

not religious?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just a goy?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah, he was. He was Mexican and Egyptian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

O. Wow. Mexican and Egyptian. Two different types of brown.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And brown is what he was into.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The of men.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Exactly. Okay, I saw that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, an amazing, amazing time. I'm gonna give you a big joke book, which is almost unprecedented for two months in, but you're a great interview. Fun times. There you go. Absolutely. There she goes. Samantha Blumenthal. Yeah. Okay. Another. Another bucket pull. We're getting through it tonight. Make some noise for Holden Deshazo. Holden Deshazo. Or perhaps Deshaz.

[Holden Deshazo]

Yo, what's up? If I look young up here, y' all are all correct. I'm 16. Yeah. Yeah. I was born 16 years ago and I haven't been in pussy since, you know, this isn't my first time doing comedy, though. The first time I did was in front of a crowd of like, 14, 15 people, which was cool to be doing stand up, much less in front of the same size crowd as the WNBA playoffs, know what I mean? My mom actually said she was gonna wash my mouth out with soap for, like, saying all these bad words and stuff. Like, I don't know who she thinks she's talking to, you know what I mean? Because I'm Gen Z, we did the fucking Tide Pod challenge, you know what I mean? Like, Dial Soap ain't gonna do shit. That's like giving an opioid addict Tylenol. Like, that shit just doesn't work out, you know what I mean? Actually, speaking of drugs, I did get busted for smoking weed recently. It's weird. I got caught, though. I ran out of weed. And I did what any 16 year old would do. I went into my mom's room, top drawer in her dresser. I busted into her stash weed. I smoked all of it. And I only got caught when we realized we had the same dealer. And we both left disappointed because my grandma sold all of it. Thank you, guys. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck? What the fuck? Okay. This is unbelievable. You're a very Very, very, very, very funny. 16 year old. That's incredible. Appreciate it. 16?

[Holden Deshazo]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For real? Yeah. Unbelievable.

[Holden Deshazo]

I'm not faking like Heath Cordis. I'm real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, he's real. He's real. I checked that motherfucker's ID night one because I. I did not believe it. But no, he is 21 and looks younger than you. It is crazy.

[Holden Deshazo]

That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, wow, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Holden Deshazo]

It'll be a year this month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you do. You do a lot of it? You put a lot of work into it?

[Holden Deshazo]

Yes, sir. I've been doing a lot of mics. I'm from Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's where you live?

[Holden Deshazo]

Yes, sir. I've been hitting up secret group, all that stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. We love it over there. We love everything about Houston. It's a very, very, very fun place. So a year in stand up and you're still in high school.

[Holden Deshazo]

I'm actually homeschooled now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Holden Deshazo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. To do this, you know, is everybody that just drops out of school, did they just say they're homeschooled? Is that like a thing?

[Dave Harriman]

Maybe.

[Holden Deshazo]

I mean, I don't do a lot of school for homeschool, but I mean, there's a lot less school shootings, so that's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But that is true. That is true. People like you staying at home. It's just home shootings.

[Holden Deshazo]

That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is absolutely incredible. Incredible. 16 years old. You have a definitive punchline, setups. Is this something you've always wanted to do? What made you want to start doing this a year ago?

[Holden Deshazo]

It was weird. So, like, September last year, I went to go see Bill Burr at Toyota Center. Yeah. Shout out Bill Burr. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Holden Deshazo]

And I was like, man, that's cool. I could do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I was like, that's exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly how I felt when Dane Cook's Vicious circle came out. 2004. Tell us about it. So then you start. You go to your first open mic.

[Dave Harriman]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

15.

[Holden Deshazo]

I was 15. It was weird because I called around and I was like, hey, I'm 15. Will y' all let me in? And they said, fuck no. So I told my mom, they said yes. And we just showed up to the club.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. For those of you listening from around the world, a very interesting fun fact about Taxi, Texas, is there's. They have an unbelievable amount of really cool laws for performers. You can smoke whatever you want. You can do whatever you want as long as you're on a stage performing of some kind. And Also, anyone under 21 in the state of Texas is allowed in any bar or club whatsoever as long as an actual parent is with you. Do you have an actual parent with you tonight?

[Holden Deshazo]

I do. Shout out. My mom's here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's she at? Is she hiding out? Is your mom shy? Sir, is your mom shy or is she cool?

[Holden Deshazo]

Oh, she's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Should we bring her out here? Should we say hi to her? Can we? You want to bring her up real quick?

[Holden Deshazo]

We can. We can.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it. What's up? Hell, yeah. Come on up here. Join your boy.

[Holden Deshazo]

It's my mama.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell, yeah. Your mom does smoke weed. Look at those red eyes. Oh, busted. You guys smoke pot together sometimes?

[Holden Deshazo]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yeah. Dude, how come I didn't get to smoke pot with any of my high school teachers? This is crazy. Being homeschooled is the shit.

[Holden Deshazo]

Yeah, this is cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. Mrs. Deshazo. Am I saying that right? Mrs. Deshazo, are you super proud? Your kid seems to be on an absolute fast track to being a wild success. Talk right into the tip of that microphone there.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

Yes, I'm super proud. It's crazy, and I cannot even believe

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that we're standing right here. Yeah. Yeah. This is it. Hell, yeah. This is really fucking cool. So, Holden, this is amazing. You. Jesus. I don't even know exactly what to ask a 16 year old.

[Holden Deshazo]

Yeah, well, I was actually. I was trying to get on the mic here and they wouldn't. They wouldn't let me in, Right? And I ran into Cam Patterson. Shout out, Cam. Cool guy. One of the coolest I've ever met. And he got me on the Vulcan regular show over there. I did that and then got invited back. I did that tonight and then signed up for the second show and here I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So unbelievable. Yeah, unbelievable. How cool is this? There's basically nothing that can really stop you from this point from being a professional comedian. Starting at 16 is something that I only really only know of. Eddie Murphy and Dave Chappelle, 2 of people that are recognized as 2 of the obviously all time greats. So what, what do you do for fun at 16 years old when you're not doing stand up comedy? What do you do? You banging chicks yet, dude? Yes. Mrs. So, right in front of your mom. You got it. She's plugging her. She's plugging her ears.

[Holden Deshazo]

I'll say. I can't say anything like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mama mia. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's banging. Dude. Hold. He's holding. I love it. You ever bang a chick with your mom? Like in the same house as you?

[Holden Deshazo]

In the same house?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no.

[Holden Deshazo]

But my ex girlfriend tried to me while she went to Walgreens and I thought she was coming home soon, so I panicked and I threw that bitch on the couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, but. But mom wasn't home yet.

[Holden Deshazo]

No, she wasn't home. But I was scared she was gonna come home and find will come, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Holden Deshazo]

You know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Exactly. Went from Walgreens to blue balls. Look at that.

[Holden Deshazo]

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Incredible. Holden, what else would we be surprised to know about you? It's a 16 year old living in Houston.

[Holden Deshazo]

Probably doesn't know about me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The homa. Fat Pat little.

[Holden Deshazo]

Oh, hell yeah. I'll be listening to Mike Jones and all that, right? Yeah, definitely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Holden Deshazo]

100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back then, hoes didn't want you. Now you're hot. Hoes all on me. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Just the straight streets. I have a lot of black friends. This guy's going to jerk off real quick. He's a big, big Mike Jones fan.

[Holden Deshazo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at this awkward moment. Yeah, dude, it's weird.

[Holden Deshazo]

It's weird. He's going to jerk off now. There's a kid on stage. That's kind of crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that is true. That is true. You just got housed by a 16 year old, by the way, sir. Oh my God. Goodness. Oh, you're a little gangster, dude. 16 years old. How much time do you think you've accum? What? Yes. What's. If you were to say you're comfortable and confident in a length of a set that you've accumulated in a year of doing this, how long would you say that that set is?

[Holden Deshazo]

Well, I just did it. I don't know. Like, I just did a 45 minute set that on my own. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I did it.

[Holden Deshazo]

I did it on my own. I figured, like, it was just a free show I wanted to do at a bar that I performed at before. And you know, I. I did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how you do it. You got to throw yourself to the wolves. I tried to do an hour in Youngstown, Ohio, less than a year after starting. In retrospect, it was unbelievably terrible. But one day you're going to look back at that set and remember, mom, were you at that big 45 minutes long set? How do you think he did talking to the mic?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

He did great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you know, I wasn't really a

[Samantha Blumenthal]

big fan of this comedy Thing to start with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

And so it's taken me a little while to kind of get a little

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

more comfortable with it. Right. And I was a little nervous about a 45 minute set because I thought,

[Samantha Blumenthal]

well, that's a really long time to have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's like a 1% of his entire life. I know, right? But he killed it.

[Samantha Blumenthal]

He did great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did. He killed it. That is amazing. Holden, take the mic back. Where's. Where's dad at? He's not in the picture.

[Holden Deshazo]

Oh, he's. He's at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. He supports you too.

[Holden Deshazo]

He does. He does. 100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He might be, but he might be right now. I was. As far as we've learned tonight, your dad might be banging your best friend right now.

[Holden Deshazo]

Possibly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's possible, Holden. You know, you're a fucking anomaly, dude. I absolutely see a ton of amazing stuff happening in your future. No, Michael, I don't know. I don't know. You want to do a. Holden, you want to do a minute in an arena on December 30th? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay, then you will. 16 year old Holden Deshazo, ladies and gentlemen, with his Kill Tony debut. We'll see you at the heb center on December 30th. Hell yeah. Yeah. There he goes, holding Deshayo. Here, have some nicotine toothpicks. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Here's a big joke book, though, that matches your hat and your jacket. Ready for it? There you go.

[Holden Deshazo]

That's why I never played baseball for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Who needs to play baseball? Who needs to play baseball? There he goes, holding the shades though. Everybody's gonna be performing in an arena at the age of 16 years old. So that's interesting. Ooh, wow. It's getting late, huh? What type of. Did we start this? Oh, okay. Really? The ballpark of the actual start time. All right, last bucket pool of the night. Let's do it. Make some noise for Dave Harriman, everybody. Dave Harriman.

[Dave Harriman]

What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's up?

[Dave Harriman]

Austin, Texas. Have y' all ever smoked crack in a bush? My ex wife said, no more crack in the house. So I found a nice big thorn bush in my neighbor's backyard and I made it my little crack bush. She tried to bring me out dinner and shit, but you know, the crack kind of kills the fucking appetite. All right. I do go to AA meetings still. Still not sober. All right. I do go for the crowd time.

[Hans Kim]

All right.

[Dave Harriman]

I'm just saying, you can hit about Five meetings a day. That gives you about five minutes of sharing time. I'm just saying, you knock out some sets, all right? And if you want to double up, you hit a couple NA meetings while you're at it. I'm not gay. I'm just wearing my gay shirt. I'm not gay, but my boyfriend did give me pulmonary edema, which is fluid on the lungs. Okay, ladies. All right. I am a proud EBT. I'm a proud EBT member, okay? I've had my card since 2006. And the seventh of every month, I do hold my EBT card up and I say hallelujah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another 250.

[Dave Harriman]

All right. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Dave Harriman. How's it going, Dave? How are you?

[Dave Harriman]

What's up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stuff? Stand up.

[Dave Harriman]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on the show before?

[Cam Patterson]

First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your first time? Yes, absolutely.

[Dave Harriman]

Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. Where at?

[Dave Harriman]

Charlotte, North Carolina.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Charlotte, North Carolina. Okay. And how did you get fluid on the lungs?

[Dave Harriman]

Oh, the come the jizz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that true? No, it's. No, it's not true.

[Dave Harriman]

It's actually. I OD'd and I had pulmonary edema.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How did. What did you od?

[Dave Harriman]

On my own throw up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, when you.

[Dave Harriman]

Yeah, you asphyxiate on yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were drunk. You threw up and choked on your own vomit.

[Dave Harriman]

I wasn't drunk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were sober.

[Dave Harriman]

Clarify. No, I doing heroin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there we go. You OD'd on heroin. There we go. We finally got there, Everybody. What am I, a cop or something?

[Dave Harriman]

I don't know.

[Spencer Michael]

How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. I'm fine. It was just my vomit. What? All right. How long have you been doing Harry? Heroin?

[Dave Harriman]

I quit about three years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You still think about it Every day. You think about it every day. You want some?

[Dave Harriman]

Nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want some? I know a 16 year old with a hookup.

[Dave Harriman]

All right, I'll take the acid or the 16 year olds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right?

[Dave Harriman]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So are you. Are you. Are you really sober now or you just don't do heroin?

[Dave Harriman]

Well, I drink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. How often do you drink? All the time.

[Dave Harriman]

All the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the time.

[Dave Harriman]

Not periodically. Every morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every morning. Okay. What do you do for work?

[Dave Harriman]

I work at Hooters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Hans Kim]

Holy.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're one of the weirdest Hooters waitress I've ever seen. Just imagine the disappointed table. Just like. What the. I'll. I'll take the wings. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Harriman]

You actually know Billy Ray? Actually took his job on accident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who the is Billy Ray?

[Dave Harriman]

The fat Guy? No. He got a fight at Hooters? No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Red Band]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How would I know a guy named Billy Ray? I don't know. Are you serious?

[Dave Harriman]

He's been on the show before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So there's a comedian named Billy Ray that worked at Hooters? Yeah. I don't know.

[Dave Harriman]

All right, never mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry. We've been doing this a long time.

[Dave Harriman]

My bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did Billy Ray do at Hooters? See a.

[Dave Harriman]

He. He beat somebody up and then got arrested. And then I went and checked on him, and that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long ago was he on the show? If you had to guess?

[Red Band]

Yes.

[Dave Harriman]

About a month ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God. I don't think we talked about this. Do you remember talking about a Hooters? Don't remember any of this? Yeah, I don't really. I don't think he talked about that. Did he tell you that he talked about it? Did you see it?

[Dave Harriman]

I saw the show. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We. Okay.

[Dave Harriman]

Yeah, you definitely did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You definitely did. Things move fast here. There's not enough. Not enough energy in the world.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I know that guy. Yeah, he's had a few jobs. I think he works in a pizza place here on 6th street now. Okay. So what do you do with the Hooters?

[Dave Harriman]

Manage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the manager of the Hooters?

[Dave Harriman]

I'm the hourly manager, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Something. Something for the guys to look at when their erections are out of control. You just. The old erection destroyer over here. An erection denier, if you will.

[Dave Harriman]

Hey, I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was good. All right. Anything interesting about your life, Dave?

[Dave Harriman]

So, yeah, I just recently moved here about five months ago, and I sold my girlfriend's house and took the money and I moved down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you bring her with you? No. Okay. So what do you mean? This is like a fucking riddle or something. What's going on here? I sold my girlfriend's house and came here without her. Figure it out. You have 30 minutes or else the doors will not unlock. Come on, dude. Answer the questions. Jesus Christ.

[Dave Harriman]

I was a realtor back home and I sold my girl's house and I spent the money. I moved down here without telling her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you talked to her since then?

[Dave Harriman]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what does she say about that?

[Dave Harriman]

Well, she flew me out to Myrtle Beach.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Dave Harriman]

And for an AA conference.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh. And then what happened?

[Dave Harriman]

We.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Dave Harriman]

And hung out all weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh. Is she letting you keep the money from her house? House?

[Dave Harriman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Dave Harriman]

Because I was a realtor. I got the commission. The commission.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you. She got all the money?

[Dave Harriman]

Oh, she got all the money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, right. So this is just a. You're just like trying to trick us or something like that?

[Samantha Blumenthal]

I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Stupid.

[Dave Harriman]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was literally a 16 year old and a little Jewish girl that had better interviews than you tonight. Trick is honesty here. What do you guys think about this piece of heroin filled trash? Okay, I'm not asking you. I'm not asking you. I think you might need to restart, dog. I think it's time to take you out.

[Cam Patterson]

You a crackhead?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was crazy. You sold your girl's house behind your back. I'll tell you what, we're doing an arena on December 30, and if you want to shoot up heroin in the parking lot, you have full permission.

[Dave Harriman]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Full permission to tie one off.

[Dave Harriman]

Appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Dave Herman, everybody. Here's a little joke, but last name was Heroin Herman, not heroin. But it should be Heroin because it looks like he's still on it. Imagine how much heroin you have to do that after three years of sobriety. You look like you just shot up. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Well, I'm going to be honest with you. William Montgomery is out tonight, everybody. I know, I know. A devastating blow. A devastating blow indeed. But he had a little bit of an emergency and could not make it. However, if you recognize the music coming from behind me, we do have another one of the regulars here. An absolute fucking sensation who destroys. I mean, this guy's been doing theaters with me all around the world and I fucking love working with him. This is a brand new minute again from the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

So I fucked a bodybuilding bitch three weeks ago. And let me tell you how it happened to her. I was on Tinder. I was on tinder. It was 3 o' clock in the morning, you know, at 3 o' clock in the morning, you want to fuck something real bad. So I was just swiping like a motherfucker. I was just sending out hail Marys like a bitch, right? And at one swipe, I just seen some big ass titties. So I was like, mm. So I just went, I want to suck your titties. And she responded, well, come suck em then. Touchdown. So I get to the crib, right, And I don't see big ass titties. I see Dwayne the Rock Johnson in a wig. So now I am terrified. I'm scared of shit. So when I get in her house, I lock myself in the bathroom and I start doing research, right? I wanna make sure she really elated, right? So I'm in there and I'm scrolling and shit and I found out she was born related. So I'm like, oh, cool, we can fuck now. But I don't know if y' all notice or not, but if you ever fucking a girl you think might be a dude, your research never stops. So 30 seconds in, we fucking the missionary, right? And she think I'm trying to choke her, but I'm feeling for Adam's apple,

[Samantha Blumenthal]

bitch.

[Cam Patterson]

You ain't finna get me, stupid, dumb ass. I will tell you this, though. At one point, at one point we were fucking. I felt so safe in her strong ass arms. I just let myself go. I felt free. I felt so free. And we were fucking. And at one point she bench pressed me out of her pussy and I just went wee. I was having a great time. I look at my fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. An absolute fucking anomaly. Our sweet, sweet monster, Cam Patterson. Now, what I love about what just happened here is that we've heard about this, about the premise through an interview, and maybe even you dabbled in it on stage on the show before. But what I love about what you did here is you showed us what the product has become over time of that bit that is absolutely amazing. I see. I actually seen you do that in theaters and it absolutely fucking destroyed. Troys. It's amazing to see you just be able to kick out brand new, unbelievable minutes. I mean, clearly this set of D Madness can't even contain what he saw here tonight. So, Cam, fantastic work. That is amazing out. You're out there just living life, living your life, and this turns into material

[Cam Patterson]

now it's the best, you know what I'm saying? It's tough, you feel what I'm saying? But. But if you on a pedestal like this, you gotta keep pushing, you know what I'm saying? So trying to push these bitches out, you feel me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. It is a high pressure situation. You're absolutely killing it. Ahsan and Derek, you get to see and work with Cam all the time here at the mothership. What do you have to say about him? Well, usually when Cam and I talk, it's usually talking about how we can make the joke better.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, we'll do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And an angle you have there that you didn't use is that you could give her a voice, like a really deep voice, you know, like, you know, you make her comment, she goes, thank you, brother, or something like that. You know what I mean? Like, if you give her the character, you, there's more ways More routes for you to go. Yeah, yeah, that's a good punch up right there.

[Cam Patterson]

I knew you were the day I met you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My, he's so fun.

[Cam Patterson]

I took him to see Oppenheimer when it came out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oppenheimer, him. And then we got the theater.

[Cam Patterson]

I said, cam, what you think of the movie? He said, man, dang, that motherfucker got bitches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, wow, what a review of Oppenheimer.

[Cam Patterson]

He did. Y' all seen the movie? He got bitches, dog, bro, he was fucking the whole movie. They were like, yo, I want you to know he made these bombs, but also he got bitches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, oh, no, y' all know he's not.

[Cam Patterson]

But he was fucking he hoes for sure. Crazy. Oh, y' all hate scientists.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, this scientist got so.

[Cam Patterson]

That is crazy. It's insane, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely amazing. What else is going on, Cam? Anything else we should know about?

[Cam Patterson]

I almost cried back there, cuz. You got my young boy on. What's his name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, that 16 year old.

[Cam Patterson]

That my little bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how do you know him? From the streets. You guys went to homeschool together? What is this?

[Cam Patterson]

No one day after kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys on the same grade right now? Yeah, yeah, shut up. Cam didn't learn how to count to 10 until he was 12, so shut up. I'm allowed to make these jokes. I'm friends with his dad.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, and my dad can't read, so be quiet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's true.

[Cam Patterson]

Mouth my whole family up a little bit, all right? Tony changed my life. You grown in bitches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that is true. That is true. So how do you know Holden Deshay, though?

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, I was. I was out there one day after. After one of the shows, and. And he was. He was around I With his energy. He told me he was 16 doing comedy. And these niggas done putting it on. You putting it on. You know what I'm saying? So what I learned. You done put me on like, in such bit, like, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put you on.

[Cam Patterson]

So I learned, like, being here is like, you know, you pass it forward. And I ain't never seen him stand up ever. But I fuck with his energy, you know what I'm saying? How he talked to I like, man come do the regular song too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They.

[Cam Patterson]

He came out, he couldn't. His mom didn't want to come out, so I gave him 250 just to come back. He live in Houston, right? You know what I'm saying? So I gave him 250 to come back because he. You Know what I'm saying? These put me on, y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Cam Patterson]

Y' all put me on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think I remember you telling me about that crazy love to hear. That's amazing. I had no idea. But I think I remember that because I think I remember telling you, you shouldn't give somebody 250.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. He was like, don't do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's good, right? I think I remember that.

[Cam Patterson]

I was like, you drunk?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was drunk. It was late, but I remember I.

[Cam Patterson]

I was drunk when I gave it to him. I like, there go 250. And they go, I want Xbox. You come back and you have a good show. Okay? You go 250.

[Corinne Aliyah]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drunk as amazing now.

[Cam Patterson]

That made me. That made me tear up a little bit, man. I like talking to him hit me up all the time about, like, advice and. And I just tell him to keep doing you. So that made me look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how small the world is and how small Austin is and how crazy. Animal mom, the cream. Oh, oh, oh. Her's going to be as red as her eyes are after you're done with her. Yeah, I'm going do that.

[Cam Patterson]

I got ulterior motives.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry. Oh, my goodness gracious. In call or out call, Huh? I love it. Cam, you're an absolute legend and you will be performing with Holden Deshazo at the heb Center. There you go. Fun times. There he goes. The great and powerful Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Y how loud can this place get for our great guest Derek Poston and Asana Mod. They have a brand new podcast now called the solid show. Available everywhere, YouTube, Spotify, iTunes, everywhere. The drawing from Ryan j E belt is in and it's unbelievable. Let's see the drawing from the great local artist Chris Rogers. Oh, shit. Cam Patterson with White bitches. Unbelievable. This south park series has been doing is absolutely mind boggling. How loud can this place get? One more final time for the best damn man to land. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Retaining, winning a Mexican drum off tonight, the great Paul Diemer on the horn, D Madness on the bass, guitar, everybody. John Dees on the keys and the Memphis mutator, Matt Muhling. Everybody on the electric guitar, Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip comedy club next door with the blood all over the place. Go to sunsetscriptatns.com Son of a. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. It. Sa. Sam.