#647 - DR PHIL (ADAM RAY) - HEB ARENA DAY ONE

Summary

Kill Tony #647 – Dr. Phil (Adam Ray) – HEB Arena Day One (Jan 27, 2024)

Episode Overview

This milestone episode of Kill Tony marks the show's first ever live arena event, held at the HEB Center in Austin, TX. Hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, the episode features a rambunctious crowd, mainstay regular comics, surprise first-timers, and legendary guests. The special guest is "Dr. Phil"—comedian Adam Ray in character—who is ultimately awarded the 2023 Guest of the Year trophy, with real Dr. Phil even recording a congratulatory message.

As always, aspiring and pro comedians pull their names from a bucket for a chance to perform a minute of stand-up, followed by a free-wheeling interview and roast with the panel. The energy is wild, often irreverent, sometimes heartfelt, and always unscripted.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening & Arena Energy (12:47)

• The hosts celebrate the show's historic jump to arena status. Tony Hinchcliffe remarks:

  "You're at the first ever Kill Tony in an arena. This is unbelievable. From the belly room to the main room... This is it." (11:20)

• Jelly Roll performs the national anthem and hypes up the crowd.
• Tony brings out Adam Ray as “Dr. Phil”, calling him “the one and only, a renegade of show business… 100% approval rating.” (14:34)

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2. Dr. Phil (Adam Ray) Banter & Award (15:34, 172:07)

• Dr. Phil (Adam Ray) riffs on his YouTube reception and develops running gags about "Pornhub comments" and Redban’s mustache.
• Real Dr. Phil appears in a surprise pre-taped video at the close, presenting Adam Ray with the 2023 Guest of the Year award:

  “Congrats, Adam. You finally figured out how to be successful by pretending to be me.” (172:30)

• Adam Ray celebrates with a dance on stage, with Tony declaring:

  "Your 2023 guest of the year, Dr. Phil. Here’s the trophy!" (173:55)

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3. Comedian Stand-Up, Interviews, and Crowd Interaction

Regular & Returning Comedians

• Hans Kim (21:13):
  Delivers a solid set, jokes about catcalling, and his upcoming high-stakes battle with Rick Diaz. Demonstrates classic deadpan wit when pressed about his shirt:

  "I thought they had very good confidence for skinny men, and I adopted their culture." (21:26)

• Heath Cordes (82:12):
  Comedy about looking too young, followed by the shocking revelation he lost his virginity the night before with a Kill Tony fan from the audience:

  "We banged immediately." (92:31)
  "I have a mommy picture kink." (93:03)

• Cam Patterson (124:30):
  Big energy set packed with family and race humor:

  "Before I became a comedian, I wanted to go to NBA. I played my uncle, he beat me... 'You just got beat by a former crackhead, right?'" (125:22)

• William Montgomery (161:18):
  Closes the show in a futuristic cowboy getup, engaging in his signature absurdist humor and crowd-baiting:

  "What do you call a robot on drugs? Elon Musk." (161:34)

Notable Bucket Pulls & First-Timers

• Yasmina Coker (28:00):
  Her arena debut turns into an on-stage freeze/panic. The panel roasts kindly, using her as a teachable moment for new comics:

  "Nobody has ever debuted in an arena before." (30:20)
  "You have to plan for it... Here's a little joke book to go with your little everything else." (34:48)

• John Rice (36:47):
  Jokes about being a gay bottom and tells detailed, hilarious glory hole stories:

  "So it's just racist against Japanese?" (57:38)

• Destiny Lalanne (65:31):
  Fast-talking abortion jokes, followed by a candid interview about her past, profession, and use of AI in daily life.
• Grant Kelly (73:44):
  Paramedic and first-timer; tells a wild story from the field about a patient who used his own severed arm as a sex aid.
• Nikki Coleman (114:07):
  A high-energy set on being a ‘retired cougar’ and a mother/grandmother who just moved to Austin:

  "I moved here because my spirit told me to leave the fuck out of Mississippi and come to Austin... my week anniversary!" (117:17)

Wild Crowd/Panel Moments

• First Arena Kiss (134:23):
  Panel orchestrates 18-year-old Pedro Loaza's first kiss with a white woman live—her husband playfully supports the moment.
• Massive Beer Chug Contest (157:08):
  Austin Young drinks a bucket of beer in under 5 seconds live for the chance to open for Adam Ray—stuns the arena.

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4. Special Appearances & Variety

• Nicole Tran (102:22):
  Delivers rapid-fire, off-kilter jokes, a New Year song, and plugs her merchandise, leaving a lasting comedic impression.
• Brian Holtzman (141:14):
  Unleashes an unhinged, old-school rant about weather girls, climate change, and more, earning both laughs and visible discomfort from some of the arena:

  "If you're not laughing, kill yourself. Kill your family first, then kill yourself." (148:29)

• Bucket Pull Variety:
  The show features several first-time comics, accidental walk-ons, and unpredictable moments, with joyful support or epic bombs from the crowd and panel.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Tony Hinchcliffe:

  “Are you really gonna have someone absolutely bomb in a fucking arena? ...Anything can happen.” (35:17)

• Dr. Phil (Adam Ray):

  “You forgot one. You have to throw dildos at him to make him go away.” (18:56)

• Cynthia (Heath’s “arena girlfriend”):

  “I have a mommy picture kink.” (93:03)

• Brian Holtzman:

  “Show me those big tits. Show me those silver dollar nipples!” (144:20)

• Nikki Coleman:

  “I got two kids and three baby daddies. I don’t know what that mean, but goddamn it, it means something.” (118:03)

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Standout Timestamps

| Timecode | Segment | |-------------|-------------------------------------------------| | 11:20 | Arena opening remarks, energy set by Tony & Redban | | 15:34 | Adam Ray as Dr. Phil—panel banter begins | | 21:13 | Hans Kim’s performance and interview | | 28:00 | Yasmina Coker—first-timer freezes in the arena | | 36:47 | John Rice—gay bottom, glory hole interview | | 53:25 | Holden Deshazo—16-year-old arena debut | | 65:31 | Destiny Lalanne—abortion material/interview | | 73:44 | Grant Kelly – True paramedic horror story | | 82:12 | Heath Cordes—loses virginity, arena interview | | 92:31 | Cynthia (“arena girlfriend”) segment | | 102:22 | Nicole Tran—song and jokes | | 114:07 | Nikki Coleman—raucous set and honest life story | | 124:30 | Cam Patterson—high-energy, family stories | | 141:14 | Brian Holtzman—uncensored, aggressive set | | 152:19 | Austin Young—arena beer-chug contest | | 161:18 | William Montgomery—outlandish closing set | | 172:07 | Real Dr. Phil awards Adam Ray guest of the year |

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Episode Tone & Final Thoughts

Kill Tony in the Arena is a full-on celebration of unfettered comedy, cringe, courage, and community. The language is raw, the camaraderie is real, and surprises abound—ranging from deeply honest confessions to over-the-top roasts and crowd participation. This episode is a testament to Kill Tony’s commitment to giving any comic—pro, regular, or total novice—their shot at glory or infamy in front of thousands.

Closing Words (Dr. Phil/Adam Ray):

“This is the greatest live comedy show in the history of comedy. ...And they are just climbing, climbing, all because of you guys. Give it up for yourselves.” (175:46)

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Note: For brevity—not all comics and moments are covered; this summary focuses on headline moments, major participant interactions, and memorable stand-up/interviews central to the night’s raucous journey.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my

[B]

new comedy club in Austin, Texas.

[A]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Back on my stand up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this. Vancouver, Portland and Seattle. You're next. January 25, 26 and 27. And then Los Angeles, California. I do stand up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taken some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now@tony hinchcliffe.com this is going to be my last stretch of the standup tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you.

[B]

That was facts.

[A]

Thank y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

Thank y. Thank y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Thank y. Y. Yeah. Y.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Everyone. Here we go. Here comes he. Oh, okay. Yes. Make some noise for Heath Cordes.

[C]

I sometimes tell people that I was never born. And that I have been present through all of what has been and what will be. See, I came into existence before the earth and stars and I will be here on the day they fall. Because I am ageless but yet old enough to fuck your mother.

[B]

You gotta stop buying them suits from the car wash, nigga.

[A]

That motherfucker.

[B]

Them Mexicans caught you coming, nigga. My friend, My friend. You want suits? Did your gym burn down? Evidently he doesn't give a fuck how fat he gets. If y' all don't fuck with Kia. Tony, you a pussy, nigga.

[A]

Yeah. Gang violence. Gang violence.

[B]

Another T shirt.

[A]

Gang violence.

[B]

If you don't fuck with Tony Hitchcliffe. You a pussy, nigga. Suck my dick and my pussy and my crack. We'll be right back.

[A]

Oh, my God. He's licking the dog. I'm her mama.

[B]

You hurt, mesta boy, you look like a useless X man, nigga. Yo. Hey, his special power is that his toenails get real long.

[A]

Nigga, We did not even get to the most interesting thing about. All right. Stop playing music. Stop playing music.

[C]

Well, they accused me of leading the pledge of allegiance on the Capitol stick

[A]

steps on January 6th. Were you there?

[C]

I cannot confirm or deny.

[B]

Freedom. Come on.

[A]

Where are you tonight? Okay. Okay. And do you know where you're gonna park your car?

[B]

Wherever I can find a spot, I guess. As being raised by a sweet Jewish single mom. I can't let you sleep in your car tonight. I'm gonna get you a hotel for three nights. Here in.

[A]

All right. Oh, look at that. Oh, my God. Wow.

[B]

Just keep grinding, man. I can't do that. Just keep hustle, man. And crush that job interview on Wednesday. And don't you jerk off in the Lakita lobby.

[A]

November 18th. I'm doing the Celebrity Theater in Phoenix, Arizona. November 18th. That is a massive. One of the biggest theaters in your hometown. Would you like to do a guest spot on that show?

[C]

I'm going on tour in October to Florida to do six dates. You want to open for me?

[A]

He got a dog A sweet little dog yesterday Yesterday I got a sweet little dog yesterday yeah.

[B]

Everybody. I wouldn't kill Tony. Yeah. First of all, what a. I've seen it on YouTube a thousand times, but in person, unfucking real. It's such a great show. It's hard. It's like, you know, it's really not scripted.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But it feels like it because it gets so out of hand at times. You're like, there's no way this wasn't rehearsed. You're watching it unfold every week. It happens like that. Tony's the master. He is so sharp.

[A]

He's so sharp. He's so good at being the host

[B]

of one of those shows.

[A]

And now, please rise for your national anthem, presented by double Grammy nominated CMA New Artist of the Year, Jelly Rol.

[B]

What's up, austin, texas. Now, as you could expect, there was no way I was missing Kill Tony Lav in a motherfucking arena. Now, please, join me. And it's not only encouraged is it expected that you help me sing the greatest song for the greatest country on Earth? Don't let me down. Are y' all ready, Austin? I still got music here. There we go. Thank you. I got scared. I'm already too high to be singing such an important song.

[A]

So you're gonna have to help me out.

[B]

Oh, see can you see by the. What so proudly we have at the Twilight's last night. Who's Broad Stripes and Through the Perilous. And the Rock is Rain. Come on those. As loud as you can. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the Greatest show on Earth? Coming to you live streaming around the world from Austin, Texas at the Heb Center. Y' all get ready for my brother, Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you

[C]

live

[B]

from the Heb center in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H Clan.

[A]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives tonight, Austin. I think you could do a little better than that. Who's 30 for the best?

[B]

I.

[C]

Yippee

[A]

Maker. Brian Red Band. Everybody here live in the flesh. This is it. This is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the world. We're in a fucking arena. We're doing it, people. The unthinkable. Absolutely unthinkable. From the belly room to the main room to the fucking everywhere in between. This is it. You're at the first ever Kill Tony in an arena. This is unbelievable. How about one more time for literally one of the greatest artists in the world? Jelly Roll, huh? Is that fucking something? Brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red rose, yellow rose. Ninjabuses.com Austin Security Guard Service Hall Law Firm and Connect Mobile Health. We got IV drip trips today. We are in tip top shape. Highly recommended this weekend. Connect mobilehealth.com use the promo code kill 15 for 15 off. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

[C]

The Sunset Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives? How about one more time for the band, everybody? That is OG member Jet Ski. Jesse Johnson on her trumpet, the great Paul Diemer on the horns, Michael Gonzalez on the drum, James Atkins on percussion, the great, absolutely amazing Dane Reliford on the keys, Madman. Matt Muhling on the electric. The leader of the band, John D. Is on the keyboard and the absolute backbone and charisma, the one and only D. Madness, ladies and gentleme. Well, let's just jump right into it. I am so excited about the show that we have prepared for you here. We're just gonna get right into it. I booked this thing and I decided, you know, we could have gone one way, we could have gone another way. I. There was no doubt in my mind who I wanted for this show. One guest, one guest only. I said, who cares about hype or, or celebrity or this or that? I want funny. You guys like funny. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a guest. He's only been on the show one time before, but My God. He left an imprint like none other. I do believe a 100 approval rating. I present to you a man that I've worked with for 17 years. A renegade of show business. Yes, this is indeed the one and only Dr. Phil. Oh, my God.

[B]

Austin, make some noise if you're feeling good tonight. It's a good night to be alive. It's a good night to wear that hat. I lost my virginity here. I'm looking to lose it again tonight. We gonna have a good time or what? Let's go.

[A]

He is back, ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest guests in the history of the show, Dr. Phil. He helps people.

[B]

He.

[A]

He tells it, leads their lives in the right direction and is also absolutely hilarious.

[B]

Well, I gotta be honest, Tony, the. The. The reception received on YouTube. And I don't read the comments. I read the Pornhub comments, which, by the way, my man, good to see you. [e-mail] up front. But you know, and you're right, they don't have enough clit. But. But I just think that the. The Kill Tony fans have. Have taken this relationship to another level. And I'm fucking here for it, baby. We're gonna. We're gonna keep it right here. We ain't going anywhere.

[A]

Dr. Phil, good to see you. You've done it before. We're in it again.

[B]

Look at Red Band's mustache. Look at that. Look at that Age mobile.

[A]

I did it for you, Dr. Phil.

[B]

You look good. You're paying homage. I dig it. Good to see you, brother.

[A]

He looks great. He looks like bready Mercury. Stop.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

Here we go. So very exciting stuff, Dr. Bill. You know how it works? We actually have an entire. Can you light up the comic section? We have lights on that.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

We have that comic section light. There's an action. There they are. Look at these. Wow. For those of you that have wondered what it looks like, that's what it is. A lot of people on the inside have signed up too. We're gonna try to run it. This is our first arena, so it's practice for us too. We're gonna see how it goes. Comedians, how you guys doing tonight?

[B]

You good?

[A]

Chaos. So they literally don't know. You're gonna get to watch in real time someone go from sitting on their ass to having the opportunity of their lifetime.

[B]

Tony, if they're there, who's working at Pet? You guys are. I love that. You guys are killing it. Keep riding that magic school bus, player. A lot of characters and creatures in that fucking corner I'll tell you that much. I buy Coke from probably 60% of them.

[A]

You live a wild life, Dr. Phil.

[B]

Well, it's 2023, about to be 2024. That's why I'm fired up to be at this table right now.

[A]

I fucking love it. I'm excited. So you guys know how it works. If I pull one of these names out of the bucket, that means they get get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, ladies and gentlemen. Which. Oh, what is this? What the. Uh oh, uh, oh, he's coc. The actual West Hollywood bear is here, ladies and gentlemen. For the first time ever in his history, he's here. He's live in the flesh. He made it all the way out. Hey, get out of here.

[B]

Hey, you forgot one.

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

You have to throw dildos at him to make him go away.

[B]

Go ahead. Go ahead and put that last one in my green room, bear.

[A]

So there you have it. We're gonna start the fucking show. You guys ready?

[B]

Let's fucking do it, baby.

[A]

There's only one way to start an episode like this. Ladies and gent, gentlemen, this guy is in for the fight of his life tomorrow night. He has put his regular ship on the line. Two and a half years of full time spots. We've watched him progress from absolutely nothing to a full time selling out, standup comedian, a global attraction, and here he is with a brand new 60 seconds. Wait a second. You know what I want to. You guys know the words to the song? This is hans kim.

[B]

What's up? I think cat calling is horrible, but without catcallers, female comedians would have to write their own premises. Write your own jokes, bitch. I like how when men want to insult each other, we just call each other women. Like, hey, look, this guy's having a pizza with the napkins. What are you? The object of my desire? What are you? A person whose approval determines my self worth. You want to start a family together? I am very jealous of white people. You know, white people are away for two seconds and they already have bigger eyes than me. I've been working on this since 11:00am today. You know how scared I have to be just to be able to see. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Hans Kim, the solid performance, absolutely adorable shirt. Where do you get, do you make those yourself? What is that?

[B]

This is actually from Amazon.com I was watching a documentary about cartels, and I thought they had very good confidence for skinny men, and I adopted their culture.

[A]

And you wore that right out of the little bag folded, right. I can tell. You can see, like, the fold marks in it still.

[B]

The guy still have the tag on it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Of course it does. That looks like the shirt you definitely wear to massage parlors that take bitcoin.

[A]

It is incredible. Hans, you got the tag. Are you planning on returning it to Amazon?

[B]

I was thinking that would be a cool story to do an arena in a shirt and then return it to Amazon. Yeah, well, that fucking backfired. No, it's a good. It's a good idea. Now, how many tags on shirts do you have currently in your closet, huh? Probably 17. All right, next question. Tony,

[A]

amazing. And how's life been going, Hans? How did that feel? An arena? It felt amazing.

[B]

This is a dream come true. Thank you guys so much.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Now, Hans has done a lot of arenas before. Normally in the round, he's famously opened for Joe Rogan many times. And. And tomorrow night, you fight for your absolute existence on the show in an absolute barn burner of a battle. It's you versus Rick Diaz. The whole world is talking about it. I saw that a betting. An actual betting site opened up bets you're a minus 300 favorite.

[B]

Damn. Holy shit. How you feeling, Hans? You nervous? You excited? You horrible?

[C]

Hard.

[B]

I am hard and excited. I respect bookies a lot more than I have ever respected them. They are. They know their comedy is what I think, because I feel like Rick has very basic comedy. Oh, yeah. Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Now, is there any way we could do, like, if I threw something at you right now, would you have it come. Are you ready for that sort of back and forth with Rick tomorrow night, or is it gonna. Yes.

[A]

So.

[B]

So if I was Rick and I said, hans, you look like you eat pussy with chopsticks, what would you say? I'd say, rick, you can't eat anything because there's a space between your teeth and you can't bite down on anything.

[A]

Oh, flag on the play. Flag on the play. Very controversial response there.

[B]

Yeah, it got weird.

[A]

It would still have. The teeth would still work. Some food would get stuck between. But he could still eat things.

[B]

I would say, rick, you're. You're a little bitch. There we go. And he's back. And he's back. Saved it.

[A]

Amazing. Amazing. But you've prepared hard for tomorrow night's battle.

[B]

Yes. I have a couple jokes about, you know. Hamas. Yes. I don't want to spoil it. I won't say it, but it's about genocide.

[A]

Oh, I like it. I like it.

[B]

I'm just kidding. It's not going to be about genocide. Now, is that a topic you'd bring up on a first date with a gal Hongs? Yeah. I mean, why keep it basic? Let's go to the next level. Yeah, well, let's pretend I'm a gal of the night real quick, okay? And I'm sitting across from you at a P F Chang's or wherever your dad sells fireworks. And I say to you, boy, this is a great restaurant. Hans, do you think you'll eat my pussy with chopsticks later? And what would you say? I'd say I would, but there's a genocide happening in Gaza right now. Okay. And that'd probably be the end of that date. But that's funny. I love it. I can't wait.

[A]

You're in an arena. Did your girlfriend make it here tonight?

[B]

Nope, she's not here. Wow, she's sick. She apparently has a good excuse. She's high on mushrooms right now. She's been texting me. She's apparently having a bad reaction to mushrooms. I hope she's okay. But, yeah, she chose to do drugs instead of supporting me emotionally tonight.

[A]

There you go. This sounds like everything's right on schedule with your relationship. Well, Hans, you got us started here tonight. We're gonna keep it moving along, and we're pumped for your performance tomorrow night.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

This could technically be his second to last set ever on the show. Oh, one more time for the great Hans Camp. And here we go. Bucket poll number one starts now. This is the moment I've been waiting for for a long time. When I pitched this idea to my agent to do the show in an arena, he said, you think people are really gonna. Oh, my goodness. Oh, shit. The Yellow Rose presents Heidi, everybody. We have bucket pool girls tonight. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Look at all the angry white women in the front row just hating this moment. What the fuck did you bring me to? This is supposed to be a fucking comedy. Oh, my God. Dr. Phil.

[C]

Phil.

[A]

Dr. Phil.

[B]

I'll marry Tony.

[A]

Dr. Phil. I gotta say. I gotta say Dr. Phil. That ass looks like it's been Dr. Phil. Or filled by a doctor. Funny.

[B]

Funny.

[A]

All right, let's see what happens here. Let's light up these comedians and see what we got. Make some noise for Yasmina Coker, everybody. Yasmina Coker. Oh, there she is. All right. In real time.

[B]

Here she comes.

[A]

The person in the farthest corner, of course. Thank you, Destiny. Hell yeah. You guys fucking excited to be here tonight or what? Fun two nights ahead. And so it has begun. How? And your first bucketful. Oh, I was saying, my agent said you think people are really gonna want to see people's first times or an amateur in an arena make somebody has. Mina Coker.

[C]

What's up, Austin? This is my first time ever doing comedy. I came here tonight with my beautiful boyfriend and honestly, we had an amazing travel here, we got on the train and I had no clue that I was going to come up here tonight, guys.

[A]

And

[C]

I'm honestly just so blessed that I made it here tonight and able to see all y' all beautiful faces. And honestly, Tony, I'm a big fan of you. Me and my boyfriend have been watching you for a while now. Oh, oh, okay, okay, I'll keep going. Damn. Okay. I respect it, I respect it. I respect. Got this, got this, got this, got it, got it. Thank y'. All. Thank you. Yeah. Yes.

[A]

Okay. There you go. Yes. Mina Coker. Wow, Dr. Phil.

[B]

Well, right off the bat, it's been a personal goal of mine to always meet the real life version of what if. Willy Wonka, Jada, Pinket Smith. That being said, that. Hey, you. That was funny. That be. I'm just big fan of. Big fan of both those people. Now I could tell you were a bit nervous, right? That's first time it's, you know, we got 25000 people here. I can't do math. Let's bring Hans back out to solve that properly. But what I dig about you is you took the stage with confidence and then you, you clenched up. Up.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Honestly, my whole mind just swim blank. I'm not even going to lie to y'. All.

[B]

No, we saw that. Yeah,

[C]

I had stuff. But then like soon as I got up here, I forgot it.

[A]

So have you done standup comedy before?

[C]

I've never done standup comedy ever in my life.

[A]

Never done standup ever in your life. You're the first bucket full of the night. It's literally never happened. Nobody has ever debuted in an arena before. So how about a hand for that? We can at least give her that. It was terrible. It was God awful. You completely bombed. Technically, no one's bombed this hard ever before in an arena either. It was absolutely incredible. Did you prepare for this?

[C]

No go. Honestly.

[A]

You didn't prepare? What made you sign up tonight?

[B]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, let me go first. Boo. No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, I'm just joking. But also, little bit of truth.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What made you sign up for this tonight?

[C]

I had the confidence that I.

[A]

Right in the tip of that microphone. Talk into that.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[C]

I had the confidence and I. I was just being confident and I.

[A]

Confident, yeah. But you didn't prepare anything.

[C]

I didn't, I didn't.

[B]

Is there. Go ahead.

[A]

Do you do a lot of things with confidence that you're not prepared or built for at all? You ever, like, take the field in an NFL game, like throw on a jersey and just fucking get hit or anything like that?

[C]

Actually, I joined my college soccer team and I was. Was. I thought I was confident and I thought I was going to do good and my coach told me no. So sometimes, sometimes I try to be prepared. Today I was one of those days. I was not prepared.

[A]

Wow. Unbelievable. What do you.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Red man. Yeah, how about like a slip and slide sound effect instead of a AK47, you psycho. All right, now, what was your first name? Jasmine?

[C]

Yasmina.

[B]

Yeah. Who is it? Yasmina, Tasmania.

[C]

Yasmina.

[B]

Yasmine.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

With a. Yes.

[B]

Yasmine. So was there, I heard Tasmania, but Yasmine, cool name. Okay, so you got the cool name, you got the cool outfit, you had the confidence and the swagger, but you just went blank, man on us, Damon Wayne style. And. And you forgot. But is there a topic or a genre of material that you have had, you know, somewhat been, you know, farting around with up there?

[C]

Farting around with.

[B]

What would you talk about is my question. I guess

[A]

is there anything interesting about. Are you a lesbian?

[C]

Oh, I'm bisexual.

[A]

You're a bisexual?

[B]

Bisexual. Okay, great.

[A]

Okay, well, I'm b.

[B]

Interested in what that means to you.

[C]

I like eating vagina and sucking dick.

[B]

Okay, well, you got me on the first thing. Yeah.

[A]

Wow, look at that. That's incredible.

[B]

Okay, now my guess is there's a

[A]

lot more vagina being eaten, though. Am I correct here?

[C]

I have a boyfriend that I've been with for two years now.

[B]

That's cool.

[A]

Okay. All right. Have you guys had like threesomes and things like that?

[C]

Plead the fifth.

[B]

Okay, so yes. We also would have accepted that's an interesting thing.

[A]

Of all the things to avoid. What do you do for a living?

[C]

I am self employed. I am an entrepreneur.

[A]

Okay. An entrepreneur. All right. Well, yes, Mina. I mean, the people do not like you. Normally, if this was LA or New York, a little likable black girl with her head shaped would get a standing ovation. People would be wiping their tears away. But my sweet love here in the goddamn middle of Texas right now, and you done fucked up.

[B]

I will say. I will say. I always try to empathize when someone eats a big pile of. Like she just did. No, because we've all been there, and you got to start somewhere. And what do I always say in my book? You got to start somewhere. And so. And so. And so. The edibles are kicking in, by the way. But I do want to say. But I do want to say that my first show was not a success, Tony. We had a Siamese twin couple on, and they both. They were hermaphrodite Siamese twins. Sounds like ratings gold. Nobody wanted to see it. Okay. And eventually, I built my way up into a promising career. So there is time. But, you know, maybe fucking. You know, just all you got to do is think of stuff, you know?

[A]

Yeah. You have to plan for it. You have a good look. You have a good name. Yasmina. Named after some allergy medication or something like that. It is good. You look like the funniest munchkin in all of Harlem. But here's a. Here's a little joke book to go with your little everything else. Absolutely adorable. There she goes. Yasmina Coker, everybody. All right, and we're gonna keep it moving here. There we go.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

That's what. That's what people were afraid of. Are you really gonna have someone absolutely bomb in a fucking arena? But, you know, anything in Africa. All right, let's light up the comedians. John Rhys is next. John Rice. Is there a John Rhys? I'm not seeing any movement there. There is movement. Oh, they're pointing this way. Oh, my goodness. He's waving his arms. Oh, yeah. Section 118, row zero. I fucked that up.

[C]

Up.

[A]

That's right. Holy. How about a hand for the yellow rose? That's Isabelle, ladies and gentlemen. Jesus Christ almighty. Put that dumper on. I don't know if I mentioned this, but the red rose and the yellow roads stuck with us through everything. Loyal sponsors since our arrival in Austin, Texas. How many you like it when people do good on the show? How many of you like it when people do bad on this show? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut. I do believe of John Rice. Oh, yeah. That last dude's gonna be hard to top. He was all right.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

You guys got sexy cameramen up here distracting me.

[B]

Hey, camera guy, you got a big dick. That's a no I do have a big dick.

[A]

Settle down, ladies. I'm gay. And settle down, gays. I'm a bottom. You know how ridiculous it is to

[B]

have a big dick and be a bottom? It's like giving a Buddhist a gun.

[A]

So I get all the dumb questions and comments all the other gay guys don't gotta put up with, like, hey, John, you're gay.

[B]

I had no idea you were gay. I've never seen you do anything gay.

[A]

So.

[B]

You've never seen me suck a dick

[A]

or drive my Prius. Thank you. That's my time. Okay, John Rice with a Good, solid set. 60 seconds. Hell, yeah. John, how long you been doing stand up? About seven years. Seven years. Wow. Where at?

[B]

I started up in Seattle, and then

[A]

I moved down here during COVID Okay. How long were you in Seattle for? About five years, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Talk about being a bottom, Seattle sucks. Oh, yeah. Sucks so much. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, it's not that bad, but, you know.

[A]

Well, it's not that good either, Dr. Phil.

[B]

Well, have you been to the space Needle or sucked a dick under a bridge? Wait, I'm asking for a friend, Dr. Phil.

[A]

I thought you were from Texas. Why are you defending Seattle so much?

[B]

Because my wife Robin, we went there for, like a. A rekindle the marriage trip. Right. You know, sometimes you got to keep things spicy. You know, just anal ain't enough sometimes. But now. So you started comedy seven years ago, and have you always been gay or. When did that get going?

[A]

That's. That's A good question, Dr. Phil. I came out after about a year

[B]

of doing stand up. Okay.

[A]

Because I'd written a couple of jokes about being gay, and I was like, well, I gotta come out and talk about them, you know, so. And then you can't just be gay and not come out. Yeah, you can.

[B]

All right, we'll be right back. No, we're gonna keep her right here. All right, so now you don't always have a cameraman in the front row of your shows to a cost. So how do you usually open your sets?

[A]

A little bit of crowd work. Typically a guy sitting with a girl, and I'll ask him if he's got a big dick, and typically he'll take a half a second to respond, and

[B]

she kind of will give it away.

[A]

She gives away the game.

[B]

So it's good to.

[A]

With.

[B]

Okay, that was just a basic answer. Yeah, I'm sorry. I just spaced out. But go ahead. Tony.

[A]

It is surprising. You don't seem gay. So when you came out, how did you do it? Okay, so I didn't act. I never have actually come out to anybody. It's just been telling a joke on stage about it.

[B]

Wait, so are you coming out right now to your family? No.

[A]

Funny you should say that, Dr. Phil, because the way that my mom found out I was gay was by watching one of my standup sets on YouTube.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

Honey, why are you just saying that you're a bottom?

[B]

Do you mean you like bottomless breadsticks?

[A]

I had to explain to her what a glory hole was.

[B]

Oh, that's a weird Thanksgiving.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Pass the potatoes. So the top holes for butt stuff. Past the carrots, Grandma. And the bottom hole is for penis and butt stuff, too.

[A]

I'm just glad I'm not the only one that's been there, Dr. Phil.

[B]

Now, have you used a glory hole? And that's the first time I've asked somebody that today.

[A]

What was the question?

[B]

Have you used. Don't act like you didn't hear me. I'm two feet away with a microphone. Have you used a glory hole? We'll cut to the tape if you don't want to tell the story. Yeah, 100. You have?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Get the out of here.

[A]

Describe to us. What? Describe to us, first of all, ballpark, how many times have you used the glory hole? Lifetime, maybe.

[B]

Hold on a second. The fact that you took a huff and a puff and a pause means bare minimum, 52 times.

[A]

Yeah, it's somewhere in the upper 30s, 40s, you know, but that was back whenever I was in the closet and I was kind of, you know. Hold on. I'm gonna check in with Jet Ski Johnson here.

[C]

Were you also a bottom in the glory hole?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God. You put your up to the glory hole sometimes. God. Disgusting. And I am hard as a rock right now. This is incredible. All right. That is incredible. That is so wrong and naughty and nasty. Thank.

[B]

Thank you for your service, by the way, Eddie Soldier. Now, are these glory holes at, like, restofs or in between a Taco Bell KFC combo?

[A]

So you got your, like, one to five star glory holes, Dr. Phil. There's not just one kind of glory hole. There's some that are just, like, in between two stalls in a bathroom that someone has chiseled their way through, like their Andy Dufresne and. Oh, my gosh. And there's other ones that are like the old Shank Redemption.

[B]

That was good. We'll keep that in.

[A]

Who? Go ahead. I'm gonna be scared every time I hear tapping on the stall next to me. I'm like, oh, no, it's coming. Just gotta pinch it off and get the fuck outta here. But. And then you have other ones that are in, like, sex shops, and there'll be stalls next to each other where

[B]

you can, you know, watch porn in

[A]

it, but there's a hole in between them. And they'll have padding all around the hole. A bar to the left, a bar to the right, and a bar above. So you can just. So wait a second. I have so many. Every time he answers a question, I have five more questions. By the way, I'm up to 27 questions right now. So let me start off by saying this. Like, how do you know if someone's on the other side, especially as a bottom back backing up your butt? Guy sounded out.

[B]

Tony, we got this.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Are you like, hey, I'm over here. Do you, like, fart through the hole?

[B]

Good question. You had it.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

Okay, he's allowed two farts for the arena, but. So there he goes.

[B]

Now, is that the regular fart sound effect? The glory hole fart? Right?

[A]

That was. That was what's called a squeeze fart.

[B]

Oh, oh, okay, there it is. That feels like the one. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, what's the two tone fart? Oh. Oh, that's kind of like. That's kind of like rap music. Listen to that. Yeah, it's the remix. Ah, Glory hole, yo. Yeah, Dr. Phil. I'm a glory hole. The ones and twos. Wait,

[B]

now I will be rapping, so hold your horses. But. But I need to say this before we get into Tony's third, fourth, and fifth question. Why are you dressed like a guy who knows everything about glory holes?

[A]

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.

[B]

Great answer. Great answer. And that. And that, my friends, is how that is how you come out to your mom over YouTube.

[A]

Let me get back to question number 43 here. Now, when you back up, is there ever, like, an accident that you have in the glory hole? Like, is there ever what I would call a holy. Like what? Like, backing up to it and there's a woman on the other side or something? Oh, that would be terrible for you. Right? Just. She's just complaining about her day in the hole. And Becky said. Becky said that I'm not good at cutting hair. And you're just like, shut up. Take this.

[B]

You're making my mustache fall off. Tony.

[A]

It's a holy war. It's a holy war. Okay, so you're a bottom. You're a big dick bottom. Are there Things that you won't do. Will you fuck a guy in the ass?

[B]

Okay, well, again, the long pause tells us everything we need to know. Okay, like it.

[A]

Like it?

[B]

Depends.

[A]

What's the pay on that, Tony?

[B]

I don't know. A spot on Red Band secret show for starters. For starters. And for closers, a bucket of KFC so you can bring back some old memories.

[A]

By the way, famous homophobe D Madness is losing his mind right now, huh? He's literally uncomfortable. No, stay away. Stay away.

[B]

Well, let me. Let me tell you this. It's admirable that you're owning who you are. I dig that. Okay, round of applause for that. Because you shouldn't be afraid of who the you are and what you want to do.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

You know, and, yeah, you might have some friends reach out to you on Facebook once this episode is fully up and out to the world that say, hey, I didn't know you were into that. But you know what? What? That's their problem. Okay, what other fun facts besides glory hole, you know, shenanigans would you say define your dayto day? Can you stop pausing so much in between sentences?

[A]

I want to think before I talk.

[B]

I get it. Yeah, not really.

[A]

Like, I used to drive Uber until a week ago when my Prius died and blew up. So I'm. If anyone's hiring out there. And hey, this faggot needs a job.

[B]

What.

[A]

What is your work experience? Maybe we can get you a job right now. We're famous for doing this on the show. What type of resume do you have? I delivered pizza in Alaska for about a decade. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. You were really getting in the ass then. You know, Tony, I saw a sign. They're hiring here at this arena. Oh, okay. Thank you.

[B]

You good?

[A]

So are they hiring for an icy road pizza delivery? I mean, at the HEB Center. They.

[B]

They. They have custodians here.

[A]

I'm sure this guy. This guy's got enough going on with his Herbert Butts. You know what I'm saying? HB center doesn't need this guy. What else? Other than delivering pizzas on icy roads? I've. That's about it. I was a hitchhiking hippie for a few years, and Homeworld, so that's coming

[B]

up again here soon. You know, you've really done it all, haven't you?

[A]

In a lot of kitchens, you know, a lot of kitchen work. Oh, good to know. Can you tell me what kitchen so that I never eat there again? This is disgusting. This food tastes like shit.

[B]

Wait, so you were a hitchhiking hippie. How long did that last?

[A]

About two and a half years.

[B]

Holy fucking shit. That's crazier than the Glory Hole story.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. What type of kitchens did you work in? Real hole in the walls.

[B]

Funny, Funny. Real funny.

[C]

I think you worked at Whole Foods.

[A]

Wait, what? What did you say?

[C]

I think it worked out. Whole Foods.

[B]

Whole Foods. Yeah, Whole Foods. Or maybe. Okay, so kitchen. You hitchhike. What would be your go to line? Pretend I'm someone driving. Okay. Pretend I'm driving.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we love a mobile.

[B]

Pretend I'm driving and you try to solicit a ride. Maybe your thumb or your is out, right? And I'm driving along. Give me some. Give me some chill driving music, fellas.

[A]

Yeah, some driving music. Perfect.

[B]

Maybe that's good.

[A]

Good driving music. We're driving.

[B]

Yeah. This is what I listen to. Oh, man. Just trying to drive to Vegas. Hope I don't run into any gay guys.

[A]

Hey,

[B]

Let me turn down the music real quick. Who the. Oh, I just got a shot of your teeth. Okay.

[A]

Oh, damn. Even God has this guy.

[B]

I don't usually like to break character during my improvs, but. Holy. I just. I just looked into something you can't even get to on Super Mario Brothers. All right. Hey, who are you? Oh, hey, man.

[A]

My name's John. I was trying to get.

[B]

Get a ride, bud. Okay. And where you headed to my man?

[C]

Man.

[B]

Doesn't matter.

[A]

I'll suck your dick.

[B]

If I give you toothpaste first, will you do it after?

[A]

That's a deal breaker.

[B]

Okay, well, you. You. You looking like this is a big deal breaker for me, but I'm a good guy with a kind heart. Give me one reason why I should take you in my. In my. In my. In my. In my car.

[A]

Because I will definitely not murder you.

[B]

You okay?

[A]

What?

[B]

Any other reasons? I have a giant right now. You said that, and I don't want to make you prove it, but I do want to know. Have you worked in any kitchens recently?

[A]

Not recently, no.

[B]

Okay. I'm glad you're here, John. I know this is a weird freeway to be on, but I've got a surprise for you. I'm your mother. I can't believe that you're gay. And scene. Guys, give it up for John very quick.

[A]

Very good. John Rice. The man's so gay, he only takes it in the ass. Doesn't dudes so gay that he God made your mouth look like an as well so that you could give me a Shirt. Oh, you have a shirt? Are you kidding me?

[B]

So. So this is a special night, so I want to make some special shit. I got these special Dr. Phil T shirts and hoodies that say we'll be right back and we'll keep it right here on the back. And I've got a handful I'm gonna give out to some lucky winners. John, go ahead.

[A]

That's amazing. I love it. And. And Sean, here you go. Here's the big jump Buck. Oh, he caught it.

[B]

It.

[A]

And by caught it, I mean monkey pox for sure. That is full blown monkey pox. Oh, yeah.

[B]

And for sure he's going to wipe up my shirt. He's going to, you know, it's going to be covered in jizz by the time the it really over. Okay. Well, that was unexpected.

[A]

That was amazing.

[B]

That was incredible. I've never heard a real life glory hole story. I've read about them. Especially a backwards one.

[A]

That's disgusting. It is incredible. I. That was a lot, but I. You gotta love it. Very honest interview. Very honest. Very different than Yasmina trying to skate by with just charisma. But here we go.

[B]

Good energy, Good energy for the first two. You guys having a good time so far? By the way, it's only going up

[A]

from here, so I have a special treat for y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

We just did a taping with this guy a week or two ago and he is literally 16 years old. He can only perform in comedy clubs in Texas with his mom there because they're 21 and over. But you can perform with a parent. The parent is here. He's 16. Let me remind y' all that people that start at 15, like this guy Eddie Murphy, Dave Chappelle started at 15. So I wanted to bring him into the Kiltoni family and give him his first shot at an arena. You're about to watch the arena debut of an actual 16 year old. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Holden Deshazo, everybody. Holden Deshazo. Here he comes. Holden Deshazo. Absolutely. Here he is, everybody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Second time on Kill Tony. It's in a arena. Hell, yeah. Second time.

[B]

The first time I did it, I

[A]

was actually, I was insanely nervous. So I told the Kill Tony staff the same thing that I've told every girl I've ever been with. Probably not lasting the whole minute. You know, I don't know if you guys are good with dark humor or not. All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's kind of test it out. Let's see if y' all are as up as me. Who here like me has been molested by their teacher?

[B]

Well, homeschool's going good.

[A]

I guess

[B]

the weird thing about homeschool

[A]

is we don't get a homecoming, right?

[C]

Right.

[A]

Luckily, the public school that I went to, they let me go. And I asked the girl out. She said yes. You know, there was one problem. Another guy already liked her. And she informed me that this guy

[B]

happened to have down syndrome.

[A]

And I was unaware of that. She made me tell him that she

[B]

wasn't going with him.

[A]

So what I did is I invited him over to my house, I sat down, I was going to talk to him and I look. Oh, oh, here he comes. Oh, shit. Look what we got here. Hold on, hold on. He's done. He's done. West Hollywood Bear. There you go. There you go. Okay, there he is. All right.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, he's cradling the dildos like a baby. There he goes. It's a weird show when there's a 16 year old on stage and you're throwing dildos. I got to admit, I know how stupid this show is. We are walking a fine line between child trafficking and comedy at some point here. Those are rubber massagers. That's all they are. They're just rubber massagers. Okay. Our senior dildo correspondent, Brian Redband, describing the dildo, everybody. Holden Deshazo. Welcome. You're in an arena right now. How do you feel? This is fucking crazy. Hell yeah, it's wild.

[B]

When's the last time you were in an arena?

[A]

Last time I was interview when I went to see Monster Jam. Look. Yeah, Monster Jam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A bunch of monster trucks. Oh my goodness. Yeah, Monster Jam. I'm pretty sure we had one of those monsters on stage right before you. Okay, Holden, it is creepy to go from a glory hole super to a 16 year old. It's kind of a creepy transition. We don't ever know who we're gonna pull out of the bucket it. But hopefully your mom plugged your ears back there while all of that was going on. She saw the dildos before I did backstage.

[B]

That was wild.

[A]

Yeah, incredible. All right. Well, Holden, how's life been going for you? Tell us something we don't know about you.

[B]

Okay, let's start with that. Oh, how about that gold chain?

[A]

I was a pro. I was a pro wrestling fan like you brought. You were what? Pro wrestling. I was a big fan, okay? Big fan. Oh, yeah?

[B]

What happened?

[A]

I don't know, bro.

[B]

I grew out of it. Okay, good story. Now, Holden, as you get older, you'll realize you're only 16, right? Yeah. So you'll realize as you age and mature, if you're out at a social setting, amongst friends, even strangers, if someone asks a question, you know, try to fill the space for at least 12 to 25 seconds. But you know that story probably has an ending, but your nerves clinched it up and blocked the finish of that tale. Just like the end of your. Was it a Down syndrome joke that you were trying to close on? No. Okay, well, I wish it was.

[A]

I got cut off right before the punchline. It was crazy. So, yeah, that's a part of the show. What was the punchline?

[B]

Well, the joke was that I looked

[A]

deep into his eyes and I realized he didn't have down syndrome at all. He was just Japanese. I knew he was good at math, I just didn't know, like, how

[B]

are down syndrome kids good at math? That one was a faker.

[A]

So he was. So it's just racist against Japanese?

[B]

Pretty much, yeah.

[A]

Okay. Have you ever made your own slime? Like if you're like.

[B]

Like my own song? Yeah.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Red man.

[A]

What are you talking about, dude? What the are you talking about?

[B]

Oh, make my own slime.

[A]

Even 16 year olds, like put beads

[B]

in it and stuff.

[A]

This kid is willing to give away any chance at a secret show. He knows what's good for him. The ceilings are too high there, especially

[B]

for you, by the way. It's so funny. That red band looks like his dad who said, if you embarrass me, this Denny is one more time, I'm gonna take away your porn privileges. Are you into porn?

[A]

Am I into porn? I'm a big fan.

[B]

Yeah. What's your goat? Well, you're 16. This is the right age to start developing a passion.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

For different flavors. What's your go to type in category? Latina?

[A]

Hell yeah. There's a whole section of them over there. Unbelievable. Now, have you ever, like, been with. What's your sexual history with women? What. What base have you gotten to?

[B]

There we go.

[A]

That's zero. Actually. That's zero. When I told you last time my ex girlfriend tried to me on the

[B]

couch while my mom went to Walgreens. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Okay. Red band. Okay. Jesus Christ.

[B]

I love. I love that you. What was your mom getting in Walgreens condoms for you? I don't know.

[A]

Sorry, honey, I was late. I picked up a hitchhiker tried to suck my dick.

[B]

No son of mine is going to Raw Dog in Austin. That's a sweet mom. Is your mom your. Your biggest supporter she's here tonight, you said, right?

[A]

She is here tonight. Her, my d. Dad, my grandma. Everybody's here, bro. Hell yeah, dude. This guy's got a whole family. You have brothers and sisters? I do. I got three brothers, all 25 and up. Oh, I was adopted.

[B]

So you were who? I was adopted.

[A]

Oh, that's adorable. I know. So your mom adopted you?

[B]

She did.

[A]

Oh, my God. That's incredible. How do you go about getting a. A good white kid from the adoption agency? Like, is that. There can't be many on the market. I.

[B]

More money.

[A]

It's more money. It's got to be expensive. You were like, you're like one of those. A purebred puppy. Well, it's weird. It's weird. I was adopted, actually. My birth father, his sister adopted me, so my aunt adopted me. Okay. Sounds like already in the family.

[B]

Sounds like you got to get your story straight. Yeah. Now let me ask you this, and I love that for you. What age did they adopt you at? Because I myself would love to adopt, but I'd love to get like a 29 year old Filipino woman to make me eggs Benedict and teach me, you know, what time it is in like, different countries. So what. What age were you seized up by. By the Lost boys?

[A]

I. I was weeks old. I was still a baby.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So your uncle is your dad. Yeah. And your dad is your uncle.

[B]

We'll be right back. That felt like we needed to cut to a sponsor. That's fucking fascinating. On today's show. My grandma's my dog and my mom is my sister. Hi.

[A]

That is unbelievable. So do you have family gatherings where sometimes your wacky uncle.

[B]

Good question.

[A]

Tony shows up? No, we don't really do family gatherings. But like, what is your actual dad up to? Is he a part of your life at all?

[B]

Play some sad music, Red band. There we go. How about this? I'll be your dad, you talk to me right now.

[A]

Yeah. Yep. What was his name again? Holden.

[C]

Holden.

[B]

Face that way, son.

[A]

Holden. By the way, an interesting name because his dad was never Holden. Him as a guy kid. His actual dad. His uncle was holding him, though.

[B]

Holden, look straight ahead for me. Talk to me as if I'm a silhouette of your pops in the mirror behind you. Hey. Hey, Holden. It's me, dad.

[A]

You came back with the milk.

[B]

I want to see if you got any weed, son.

[A]

Only the stuff you gave me, dad.

[B]

Holding. I heard you're doing stand up comedy. Your. Your mom, I mean your aunt, I mean your brother, whoever. The raising you told me through Facebook that you're trying stand up. And I love that you're always a funny kid. I remember the first thing you said to me was, dad, don't go. And I thought how funny that was. But you know what I love? You're fucking. You're 16, and I've never seen so much confidence in a good way on a motherfucker in my entire life. Give it up for this piece of shit. Let's fucking go. That's the real deal. That's the real deal.

[A]

It is true. Like I said, your entire future is in front of you. And fucking. We can't wait to see where it all goes. It seems like you're just gonna get better and better, and you're gonna learn good habits in comedy here in the comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

You want Dr. Phil hoodie? You want a Dr. Phil hoodie? My man.

[A]

There you go. Holden Deshazo, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. All right, back to the bucket we go. I'm gonna pull one of these names. Let's light up the comedians. Oh. Okay. Destiny Lalanne, everybody. Section 103, row Q, seat 8. Section 103.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, that's so far away. That is so far away. Do we have movement? Whoa, bucket pole number three. Look at this. This is the Great Sable, everybody, from the Yellow Roads. My goodness. We have movement. We got Destiny, Elaine. Does anybody see Destiny? I think 103 is really far away. All right. Okay, hold on a second. I guess we don't have movement. Oh, we got her. Here she comes. Destiny lalaine, everybody. She's gonna be tremendously out of breath. This arena thing is kind of crazy. She was coming from the other side of the arena.

[B]

Opposite side.

[A]

We don't know how to do this yet. You guys having fun? I don't think there's any perfect way to do kill Sony in an arena. It's destiny Lane, everybody.

[C]

Major tech companies recently announced up to $4,000 in travel abortion benefits should employees need to leave the state to seek medical care. And I know that sounds super feminist until you realize these companies don't offer maternity leave. They got you, bitches. Picture this. You walk into your manager's office, they let you know that they're pregnant. He hands you a pamphlet from HR on how to get an abortion. You're confused. You never said anything about an abortion. Instead of throwing you a gender reveal, they throw you a decision reveal. You realize that there's no return on investment on maternity leave, but there is an ROI on sending that bitch on a $4,000 vacation tomorrow. Should one of you guys come inside tonight? A little bit about me in case you guys want to go to puerto Rico. I'm 4, 11 in heels, 120 pounds with a single 6 week fetus inside of me and 115 pounds when I squirted out. Or at least I think that's how medical abortions work. I don't know. We don't have access to them anymore.

[A]

There you go. Destiny lalanne.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

We're good, Bear. We're good. We're good, we're good. We got it. All right, there he goes. The bear's coming out quick tonight. You should give him a few extra seconds right there. Well, Destiny, I'll tell you what, for being out of breath and running from the other side of a arena, that was pretty good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Great job.

[B]

Thank you. Great job.

[A]

You were talking really fast, which is kind of hard in an arena. I think you were trying to squeeze a lot of time in there and you did it, Dr. Phil.

[B]

Yeah, I heard abortion, abortion, abortion. What's that? The shocker? Hell yeah.

[C]

That's how we get rid of them in this city.

[A]

Fuck yeah.

[B]

Okay, a little scared now. How is it to. To. To go through something like that?

[C]

Like the joke or an abortion?

[A]

An abortion.

[B]

Whichever you want to. Whichever. I don't, I, I don't know. As soon as that question got to my mouth, I, I, in my head I said abort question, but I fucking

[C]

right, I, I wouldn't know. We can't get them here, so hopefully soon I'll find out.

[B]

How long you been in Austin?

[A]

How about that?

[C]

I moved here first three years ago during the pandemic. I was in la. We did a shitty bar show together once, like in North Hollywood, like yourself.

[A]

Okay, so, Destiny, how many abortions have you had?

[C]

Two.

[A]

Okay. Rest. Rest in peace. Oh, the women go crazy. There's some real sluts out here tonight, I gotta say. Women going wild for abortions. There's some very happy gentlemen out there as well.

[C]

You are not wrong. These bitches in the front do not look like they're having fun. Learn how to get an abortion, bitches.

[A]

Yeah, well, these show. These are the rich wives and girlfriends of the rich fans that had their peasant slaves buy the tickets first. And they just show up. This guy's having the time of his life and he's just flanked by angry wenches over here. Look at this guy. Both just flanked by him. I love it. Why couldn't have they been the two abortions you know what I mean? Man, those kids are lucky. So, Destiny, how much space was in between the two abortions?

[C]

Oh, plenty of time. The second. The second one is what inspired my joke. I was entertained by the. The laws out here when I was in a little pickle. And I was entertained that my job was, like, telling me that they basically fund the abortion, but I was like, shit, we don't have maternity leave. Like, I'm starting to realize something's up here. So, yeah, all's good. It just inspired my art. And it was, you know, a fun little line that I wrote when I was walking to a show.

[B]

What the fuck was that, Redman?

[A]

It was broken glass.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Are you on Adderall?

[C]

No, I'm actually sober.

[B]

Good for you.

[C]

I'm not actually sober sober, but I'm sober right now.

[B]

Oh, so, like, Fentanyl brownies or what?

[C]

Speed brownies. Abortion brownies.

[B]

Let me ask you this. That's funny. Abortion Brownies sounds like a great band. That Red band would probably go see now. Now, Destiny, when you walk into an abortion clinic and you say, hi, I'm Destiny, do they go, yeah, we know?

[C]

Oh, hell yeah. They just.

[B]

Because you're here. I'm just saying the name Destiny sounds like an abortion name, does it not?

[C]

I mean, it makes sense because I. I was, you know, my mom was a teen mom, so it makes sense. Sense.

[B]

Holy. How young we talking?

[C]

She was 17.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

You got a fun laugh. Did she pass that on? Does your mom have a fun laugh?

[C]

No, she's a fun sucker. So she does not have a fun laugh, but.

[B]

All right, well, thanks for bringing the energy down. God damn it. Okay.

[A]

Incredible. What do you do for work now?

[C]

I'm a freelance recruiter.

[A]

How do you freelance recruit? What the fuck does that mean? Jesus, what a stupid answer that is. I work for myself. Doing nothing for nothing.

[C]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

The are you talking about?

[C]

It's like being a. But for companies you jump for, come to company to company that's hiring, and you just help them fill roles, and then you just keep it going. Get your abortion. Carry on.

[B]

Let's go. Okay. Who you voting?

[C]

John Rice. Come see me afterwards. We'll rock that resume of yours.

[A]

Hell, yeah. You're definitely not gonna have a baby with her. There you go. All right.

[C]

Right.

[A]

I don't know what's going on here. How long have you been doing stand up again?

[C]

Five years.

[A]

Five years. All of it here in Austin.

[C]

Half here and half in la.

[A]

Okay. And what do you love about Austin, Texas?

[C]

I think it's cool. People are a lot of fun. They like live entertainment. You know, it's just a gorgeous city. A lot of opportunities to go up.

[A]

So, you know the show, you know, Kill Tony. What do you think is the most interesting thing I about you? What would be something compelling for you to bring up?

[C]

Right now I'm really obsessed with AI and cooking. You can use AI to take a picture of your refrigerator and tell you what to cook. So I think that's kind of fun.

[B]

It's not. I mean, it's kind of cool. Are you afraid of AI or what are you afraid of?

[A]

How about that?

[B]

Let's. That could be a good topic of conversation. And the hot tub party.

[C]

Afraid of 6th Street? I'm not afraid of AI. Definitely afraid of heights. Afraid of everyone booing me as I walk back to my chair. Hell yeah.

[A]

Here you go. I'm gonna. I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna save you some problems. You had a long run to get here. You were out of breath. It's tough, tough out here on the streets. Destiny Lalaine, everybody. There she goes. Okay, okay, I pulled this name out. Section 109, row 0C1. Grant Kelly, everybody. That's right over there. Grant Kelly. Grant Kelly. Is this happening? Okay, here we go. Oh, it's another long adventure. Come on, Grant. Speed it up, you weirdo. Jesus Christ. I gotta say, beautiful audience we have here today. It's lovely. I love it. Hell yeah. Look at that. We got Amy Schumer. Dyed her hair brown tonight. Look at this, everybody. I love it. It's a real who's too out here.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Oh, we know her. Whoa. The return of Kaylee Red Rose legend, OG microphone cleaner during the pandemic. Oh, shit. Oh, they're. She's still got it. Look at that. My goodness. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, we could do that with the pole girls. That's a smart move. Here he is, Grant Kelly, ladies and gentlemen. Come on, make some noise for him. Uhoh.

[B]

So I've been writing part of the Bro by. I really feel like every man is allowed to shit himself at least once a year.

[A]

Let's take it back to 2007.

[B]

I'm at a casino in Lake Charles, Louisiana. Got a lot of beer farts. We're getting close to this concert stage. Every time I fart, people moving out the way. We're getting close. Get all the way to the front. I shit myself. Guys, I gotta go. So I leave. Driving, walking back to the bathroom. Shit full of pants. Pants full of shit. My high school crush is walking up to me.

[A]

Hey, Grant, how are you doing?

[B]

Get out of the way. Give her a hug. Hey, I gotta go. I gotta go. Run to the bathroom. Shits in my pants.

[C]

Lose them.

[A]

All right, we gotta back the bear up a few seconds. Red band. Red band's very excited about this bear costume. Get out of here, bear. Get out.

[B]

Sexy dildo. Go ahead and put that last dildo in my green room, please. I gotta be honest. This is my favorite comedian we've had so far tonight. He's got two catchphrases. He's got pants in my. In my pants. And he's got get away from me. Which I feel like you said more than once to a Subway employee in the last 48 hours. Why do you look like the lead singer of Smash Mouth and the kid from the Christmas Store?

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I love it, dude. Good to see you. Funny stuff. Thank you.

[A]

Welcome to the show. How long you been on Stand up?

[B]

This is my first time ever in my life. Wow.

[A]

First time ever. How old are you?

[B]

I'm 40.

[A]

40. Is this something you've always wanted to do?

[B]

Only after I listen to your show, bro.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

That's it. Making dreams come true. Where do you live? I live in Beaumont, Texas. Okay. We got some Beaumont fans in here. All right. What do you do for work?

[B]

I'm a paramedic for an ambulance service.

[A]

Okay. Paramedic, Absolutely. What do we. What are we seeing out there in Beaumont? A lot of fentanyl. What's going on out there?

[B]

Some of that you want. You, you want to hear the worst?

[A]

Whenever, of course, you know the show. Yeah, goddamn right I do. All right, man.

[B]

Well, this one psychiatric gentleman from Vier, Texas, sawed off his left arm. You was holding his right arm while he was masturbating. Hold on, hold on. Yeah, bro.

[A]

He sawed off his left arm and did what?

[B]

Dutch. Dutch rudder. What you call it A Dutch rudder?

[A]

That's not real.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

No, what I'm saying, Hold on a second.

[B]

I love that Red Band's calling this bluff. He's like, I've tried it. I've googled it. It's not real. Thanks, Red band.

[A]

Hold on. So a guy cut off his arm and his tried to jerk himself up with that dead hand?

[B]

Yeah, bro.

[A]

Shut the up.

[B]

3 years ago.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

So why, why would anyone ever do that?

[B]

That.

[A]

It seems like the grip would be extremely loose. Loose?

[B]

Man, I, I. The SSRIs weren't strong enough for Him? I don't know.

[A]

Oh, my God. So he started his left hand with his right arm. Did he at least use a tourniquet or something like that?

[B]

No, man. Actually, surprisingly, you don't need one. If it's a straight cut, you can go stop bleeding.

[A]

Straight cut. Oh, my God. Our glory hole friend is masturbating right now in the darkness. This is the hottest I've ever heard of in my goddamn life. That is unbelievable. What part of Texas are you from?

[B]

Beaumont?

[A]

That is the biggest story in Belmont, right?

[C]

That.

[A]

That's the story that gets passed around like somebody coming in the Taco Bell in 1993. Okay, red man. Wow. In an arena, you really get to see how your flies, bro. No, that's a real question. Just yell, I just heard a bird chirp in section 113 after that question. Unbelievable.

[B]

Now. Now, you said you're 40, right? Yes, sir. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I met you on January 6th. You were holding. You were holding some sort of a.2. Okay. You're looking at me like you just saw Avatar.

[A]

He was the guy holding somebody's left arm like, we will not.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That's a fun dance. Now, how many friends know that you have tried standup Zilch times. And tonight's the popping the cherry time. Now it's just one. He's up in the audience. Let's go. Dude. Yeah.

[A]

I'm sorry to cut you.

[B]

Oh, you're fine. Are your friends. Do they. Do they think you're funny? Are you the funny guy? Like, how often are you sitting around a campfire going, you guys want to hear a crazy Beaumont, Texas, story?

[A]

I do have a lot of drunk stories. Yes, sir.

[B]

Say it again. I said, I do have a lot of drunk stories. Absolutely right. Are they funny? I make people, like, laugh close by. Yes, sir. In close quarters. So, yeah. So you got enough confidence to go, why can't I do it in a arena? Right? Yeah, absolutely. Now, and your first name again? Grant. Greg. Yeah, Grant with a T. Grant. Yeah, Grant. What's. What would be the thing about you that. That would probably be funny to us, that you might not have told someone close to you yet? Like, a fun fact, I guess. Like, remember the glory hole guy from earlier? Something like that. But not as relatable. Yeah, I can't relate to that one.

[A]

Did the guy come in his left hand?

[B]

Good question, Tony. I think we stopped him from doing it, brother, to be honest.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

The ultimate block. I cut off my arm for this

[B]

yeah.

[A]

Most interesting thing about your entire life

[B]

though, man, it would honestly be being a paramedic or I'm a father of triplets. Whoa, look at that.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. The drummers go crazy for triplets. They love triplets. Look at that. Very weird. Oh, yeah, guys. Oh, yeah. Love triplets.

[B]

Black guys love triplets, don't they?

[A]

Heck yeah.

[B]

There we go. All right. Love that. It.

[A]

I love it. So, any special skills or talents? You seem like a guy that has a couple tricks up his sleeve or something like that. Anything you have a. You have anything about you speak a

[B]

language or origami or. No, man, I work a lot of overtime.

[A]

You're a real working class man. I like your style. You made your Kelsoni debut. There's a joke. The great debut of Grant Kelly. Two first timers so far in a arena. This is crazy. We're gonna do something fun right now. Ladies and gentlemen, a very special treat for you. You guys know this next comedian, everybody. I mean, he was given this spot in front of you. Golden ticket winner, 2023. We had a 16 year old on earlier that looks like he's 21. This is a 21 year old that looks like he's 13. I present to you the one and only arena debut of Heath Tortoise. Even with

[C]

my driver's license, I still have trouble getting into bars. And honestly, I don't know why. I'm just a little boy that wants a little dwink. I know I look young, but it's upsetting when I hand my license to some bouncer and he just looks at it like it's made with Crayola. Next time, if my license doesn't work, I'll have to bring my passport for more permission.

[A]

Show it to the bouncer, throw it in his face. What now, detective?

[C]

Getting fucked up? Whether you like it or not, next time I'm gonna bring my license, passport, Social Security, credit cards, birth certificate and a knife. Because if all that doesn't work, someone gonna die. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Yeah. Heath Cornice. Hell yeah, dude.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Living the dream.

[C]

Living the dream.

[A]

We love you, Heath. I love you. I took Heath on the road with me and he absolutely crushed opening in theaters. Crowd goes wild. He has a great short set that he does. He Keith the little murder Dr. Phil. You ever seen anything like this in your fucking life?

[B]

You know, in my second season of the Dr. Phil show, we had on a kid just like you. You know what I'm saying? He was 45. He had some sort of condition where he looked Like a young boy.

[C]

And you cured him, right? You cured him?

[B]

No, he passed away six days ago. But. There's a little alley oop from Heath, but he. When you get a massage, do you ask for a Happy Meal ending?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, I've never seen any. I've never seen anything like what you're doing. You came out with. With confidence, but you backed it up. You seem like a guy that's just understands who he is and what he's

[A]

doing and that's all I can do.

[C]

Dr. Phil, thank you so much.

[B]

Well, you're doing it.

[A]

God damn.

[B]

I don't know what that little creepy look was for, but I get it. Yeah, you look like the molesti and the molested in the same body. But you got jokes per minute, Heath. And how do you write?

[A]

Can you.

[B]

Can you let me in? Because I'm not a comedian myself. I'm a healer and a people pleaser and not in that order.

[A]

What the.

[B]

Oh, okay. Keith. What, what, what? How do you write? What do you just wake up and go, I'd love to.

[C]

And I just.

[A]

I just wake up and I write whatever makes me giggle a little bit, but honestly, it's not that much.

[B]

I'm just kind of sad all the time, so I just write whatever makes me sad. Well, can I tell you something real quick? That sadness is a great place to start. Yeah, hit me with some sad music real quick. Here we go.

[A]

Here's a little sad music on the great John Dees.

[B]

Keith, you know, if I woke up and looked in the mirror and saw the kid from Simon Burch, I'd be a little down in the dumpster too. Yeah, but you know what you got going for yourself?

[C]

What?

[B]

A good attitude, a sweet pair of glasses, and a haircut that says, yeah, I'll get in your van, but I'm not eating the candy.

[C]

Yeah, and.

[B]

And what you. What you figured out real, real early in life is that Keith is the best version of Heath he can be this time and all the time. So you keep swimming up that river.

[A]

Yeah, it's true. He is a special, special, special man. Not a lot of people know this, but Heath was made. A guy cut off his left arm and jerked himself off with it. And he came inside of Jeffrey Dahmer's ass and then he came out nine months later. I read about that little baby Dahmer. Tony. Oh, I got good news. Okay. You want to hear it? Of course I do.

[C]

Push it.

[A]

Oh, God. It finally happened. We did it, tony. Unbelievable. When did this happen? Yeah, last night. Last night.

[C]

Last night.

[A]

Yeah. This is jill d. We did it.

[C]

Joe darry. We did.

[A]

Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

[B]

I got a whiff. Yeah, I got a whiff of his fist. I can confirm.

[A]

Yeah, it was last night. So what happened last night? Tell. Take us through it. Where'd you meet this girl?

[C]

I went to a very nice lady's hotel.

[A]

She a Kill Tony fan? She's a very.

[C]

She's a Kill Tony fan.

[A]

She came in town for the arena.

[C]

Yeah, she came in town for the arena. She actually signed up.

[A]

I bet she did, yeah. Really? Yeah, if you want to, like, she

[C]

can probably tell you about how tiny my penis is.

[A]

Do you know. Do you think she should do a minute?

[C]

If you want.

[A]

Yeah, I think it'd be good. All right, Heath, I think it's only right that you introduce her. I don't know who she is. Let's do it.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I do not know her last name,

[C]

but give it up for the very beautiful Celia.

[A]

Where the is Celia? Is she in the comedian section?

[B]

Where the is Shelia?

[C]

Celia? Come on.

[A]

Celia. Us.

[B]

My virginity. That's not her.

[A]

Oh, is that her?

[C]

Celia, is that her?

[A]

Oh, my God. Yeah, he. Oh, yeah. Everything that you're seeing is live again.

[B]

We don't like 2023.

[A]

Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, makes some noise for American heroes.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. You got to love it. Hell, yeah. Yeah. Celia, welcome. You want to do a minute?

[C]

My name is Cynthia.

[B]

She made her choice.

[A]

Tony.

[C]

Keith.

[A]

You are a baller, dude.

[B]

By the way, did we not hear Heath screaming for her like it was at the end of Titanic? Delia, that was adorable as.

[A]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, give it up for a woman that gave it up for our sweet boy. This is the Kill Tony debut of Cynthia.

[B]

Ah.

[C]

All right, I. I only have 60 seconds, right? I. I think that's a good enough time to end strong, right? Tony knows better than anyone else here. I actually met Tony earlier this month, and I wanted to brag to some people that he flirted with me. And the response was, what's the big deal? Isn't he gay? And honestly, I got offended because that either means I look like a man or they think I confused him for a lesbian. And believe me, believe me, I know lesbians. And if Tony was a lesbian, I don't think he would have voluntarily chosen that dick size. You know, my mom hates when I mention lesbianism. She tells me, you know, I want you to find a good man, Cynthia. And honestly, I don't think I should be taking advice from the woman who's flatter than Amy Schumer's heartbeat's gonna be in 10 years.

[B]

All right, Heath, start us off.

[C]

That wasn't great.

[A]

I love it. Cynthia, Heath, go stand next to your sweet, sweet Cynthia over there. I absolutely love this. I absolutely love this. So you guys met last night for the first time? Yes, love.

[B]

We're in love.

[A]

This is absolutely incredible. So, Heath, what happens here? You went to a bar for a drink. Well, how does it go down? We banged immediately. Wow.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God. I love it.

[B]

What was your pickup line, Heath, what'd you say to Cynthia to get her juices flowing?

[C]

I didn't even have to say anything.

[A]

It was just immediate. It was amazing.

[C]

This show changes lives.

[B]

Are you saying you didn't say, hey, have you seen my mom or dad anywhere nearby?

[C]

No, I didn't even have to mention

[A]

my father or mother.

[B]

You just walked. You just walked in and she picked up on what you were putting down

[C]

completely into the idea of a kid. It was amazing.

[A]

This is absolutely incredible.

[C]

I have a mommy picture, King.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Definitely.

[A]

So, Heath, you say you just went straight into it. Like, is there like a first base, second base, or you just absolutely showed up with a condom on? What goes on?

[C]

I went to every base you would allow me to go.

[A]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, you went to the bullpen player

[A]

and then the dugout.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah. So, Heath, how long did you last Last? Not long. Maybe three minutes at most. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty good.

[C]

I went three or four times. He actually lasted a pretty long time. Okay.

[A]

It's impressive. Yeah, I like that.

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

I love that.

[C]

And he eats good.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Wow. Fucking unfocused.

[A]

Unbelievable. I absolutely love it.

[B]

Can I ask a question, Tony? Yeah, Heath. I'm trying to upgrade my eating game. Okay. Can you give me a couple quick tips?

[C]

You just gotta nod like you don't need anything else.

[B]

No. Okay, that's enough, Heath.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, with your teeth?

[B]

No.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No. He.

[B]

I'm not a dog trying to open a UPS package. No, stop doing that.

[C]

That.

[B]

It's not a bowl of Captain Crunch. It's a vagina. Okay. So no. So nah on it. Is that what you said?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Na.

[A]

So you lost your virginity last night?

[C]

I did.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Just for tonight, I needed a story.

[A]

Did you use a condom?

[C]

I did not. We might get pregnant. We might have babies.

[B]

What the fuck is happening right now?

[C]

I don't know.

[B]

This child just said, we might have babies.

[C]

We might have babies.

[A]

Wow. Congrats this is incredible. Cynthia, are you on any kind of birth control?

[B]

I'll take that one, Tony. No, no.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. This is incredible.

[C]

But I live in New York, so it's legal to get an abortion.

[A]

Yeah, there you go. All right, well, I'll tell you what, Cynthia. Your set was just okay, but since you gave it up to Heath, here's a. Here's a big joke book. What a great alley oop there. Oh, my God, I love it. I fucking love it. Put that mic back in the mic stand there, Heath, can you fix the mic stand for us? How about one more time for the great and powerful Heath Cordis, everybody? And we're gonna keep it rolling right the along. Just like that. How about a hand for Joe White here taking pictures.

[B]

Yeah, baby. Shout out. There he is.

[A]

Section 119. Pablo T, everybody. Pablo T. Where the is 119? That 119. Oh, God. This is going to be another out of breath, this section 119. Pablo T. Maybe we'll preool. Yeah, we're going to start the preool here. Okay, how about a hand for Dr. Phil?

[B]

Everybody having a great time. Having a great time.

[A]

And another hand for Heidi from the yellow rose on the ring card.

[B]

Yeah, there she goes. There goes Cynthia Cynthia on her way to check her cell for an STD from Heath. He wasn't wearing protection last night, no surprise. And he eats pussy like a rabbit eating carrots from the garden.

[A]

Here's Pablo T, ladies and gentlemen, from the other side of the arena. What the fuck is up, atv? Solid choice for a grocery store.

[B]

It's a lot better than Walmart. Y' all ever been to Walmart late

[C]

on a Saturday evening?

[A]

It's like the Lord of the Ring

[B]

orcs and the Lot lizards at your

[A]

typical Texas highway had a baby.

[B]

Like a bunch of babies. They just left them at Walmart, like a daycare or something.

[A]

But anyway, anyways, I've been back in Texas. I used to live here when I was younger. My political views kind of lean to

[B]

the left a lot like my cog. Hold on, hold on, hold on. But much like my cock in Texas, the beautiful state of Texas, I'm leaning

[A]

towards the right more, guys. Yes, Sir.

[B]

Show them 2024.

[C]

I'm just.

[A]

I'm playing to the crowd right now, honestly.

[B]

But yeah, that's all I got, guys.

[A]

All right. Very mediocre set from Pablo T. Pablo, how long you been doing stand up? This is my first comedy show. My first time ever doing stand up in my life. Wow. Okay. Have you ever done anything on stage before? Yeah, I've performed in this building, in the center ring, riding motorcycles, in a cage, at a circus. Okay, I can kind of see that you seem fearless with no material.

[B]

Dr. Phil, didn't I throw a paper towel to you in Puerto Rico?

[A]

I did not.

[B]

Okay, okay, okay, take it easy. No, I was. I was impressed by your. Your poise. Okay. I always like when someone approaches the mic with a. With a purpose. You came in hot with a lot of Walmart material.

[A]

Yeah, I just thought of Heb on the way over here, wrote it down on my little notebook app and just went with it.

[B]

Let's go. And are you working at Walmart currently?

[A]

No, I actually do reads. I'm kind of just traveling around, making content, going to events like Kill Tony, New Year's Eve show, Main event, night one. You know, it's amazing. Okay, Pablo. And what's something interesting about you that we would be surprised other than the fact that you ride motorcycles in a cave. An amateur boxer of sorts. Oh, okay. Can we get some boxing music? And show us a little shadow boxing from Pablo T. Here he is. Oh.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Oh, my. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Mediocre.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Amateur. Amateur.

[B]

Amateur. Based on that performance, I think I could take you in Mike Patson's Punch Out Tyson, whoever he is. Okay. So, Pablo, how old are you? I'm 27. Okay. Yeah.

[A]

Just got out of a relationship that was in for four and a half years. Four and a half years. How recently did you get out of it? On my birthday, which was in June. Okay. How did it end? Was it her idea or your idea? I'd say it was her idea. Yeah. How did she break up with you? Via text? Phone call? In person. Person. Nah, I was kind of finding.

[B]

I found out that she did something on my birthday. Did she? Did she, Keith? Was that Cynthia? Was that your ex?

[A]

Celia.

[C]

Celia.

[A]

I'll take you to Walmart, I promise.

[B]

You know who it was? Who?

[A]

Anigo Montoya. That guy that's done stand up up

[B]

here with the Metallica short shirt. No way.

[A]

About what? Inigo Montoya, the guy, he wears Metallica shirt.

[C]

He's done.

[A]

He's done stand up here a couple times. You're wearing a Metallica shirt. You know that he inspired me to do that. The guy that your girlfriend inspired you to wear a Metallica shirt?

[B]

Yeah. I thought it was like a funny connection.

[A]

I'm so confused. I'm going to get you out of here. Here's the little joke book.

[B]

Exit the Sandman.

[A]

Oh, the first drop of the night, Pablo T. Yeah, takes. We're gonna fix the energy in the room right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another legend of Kill Tony. This woman has always made history on the show. One of the most interesting creatures we've ever found. Famous for being on many episodes of Kill Tony. She was on Kill Tony Mania multiple times. One of the most interesting characters in the history of the show. You die hard fans will know her, you love her. It's the one and only Nicole Tran. Oh, the Asian people. With a standing ovation, Nicole Tran, live in the flesh.

[C]

So happy to be back in Austin. Let's order the good looking people. People call Dallas the Big D, but nobody call Austin the Big A because that name is already taken by Kim Kardashian. When I go to the hairdresser, I say make me look like famous pop star like Kay Perry. Taylor Swift. And this second is Paul Wal Kearney. That's pretty good joke. My cousin Bing Bing say hello to you, Tony. I have a cousin, her name is Bing Bing. My cousin Bing Bing is only five feet tall, but she knows a hairdresser who can make her look five eight. I heard on the radio the news says there's a mattress in Box Spring in the freeway in West Airways. I thought it was strange because Bingbing says he wasn't moving until tomorrow. I did a comedy show for women for Recovery Group. I murder that crown. I hope they recover.

[A]

All right.

[C]

I murder so much man. One time you will see me on the America Most Wants place.

[A]

Jesus Christ. All right. Okay, keep going, keep going.

[C]

Senator, we're looking for the contract. She fight too with Paul McCartney haircut. Oh. High five, high five. High five. From West Hollywood to Austin, Big A.

[A]

All right, Bear, get out of here. Get out of here. It's annoying. Hi.

[C]

Hi, Tony. I'm so happy to see you guys. You look fabulous. Look at the show. All the people show up for Kill John 2023. I have a lovely Happy New Year song for you all. You ready?

[A]

You prepared a song?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Here she is, famous for her surprisingly good songs. This. Do you need the band for this?

[C]

Yeah, just go along with me, please.

[A]

Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, live in a arena, Kill Tony legend Nicole Tran, everybody. Here we go.

[C]

No more champagne and the fires are true Here we are, me and you Feeling lost and feeling blue it's the end of the apartment. And the morning seems so great so alike yesterday now the time for us to say. Happy new year.

[A]

Happy

[C]

new year.

[B]

Happy new year.

[A]

I will never.

[B]

A massage from you in Grand Theft Autumn

[A]

Sometime

[C]

I see how the bravely worth the price and I see how it tries in the eyes of our lives is the end of 2023 and another 10 year time who can say what we find what lies waiting down.

[B]

Happy new year.

[C]

Woo.

[B]

Thank you very much.

[C]

Love you. Holy.

[A]

What the unbelievable never ceases to amaze Kill so many icons.

[C]

Thank you Jackass for supporting my artistry. I have created some merch for my cousin Bing Bing. Please support me at the show. I have some hoodies too for blue eye white guys and green eye white guys. Please help me to get an airplane ticket back.

[B]

Happy New Year. One more time for Big Big.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

Tomorrow I sing another song for you

[A]

all that is not on the schedule for tomorrow. Totally different show tomorrow. Way to try to jump in there. But you'll. You'll do something with the band on the pre roll.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

Okay, Very good.

[C]

Thank you so much for coming. And if you have Instagram, please follow me. I really need your support to be book a comedy club.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Nicole Tran, Comedy.

[A]

Nicole Tran, comedy. There you go. She always has a lot of plugs at the end. Happy New Year everybody.

[B]

Happy New Year. Look what you've done, Tony.

[A]

Nicole, get the fuck out of here.

[C]

I thought you invited me to be back saying no more. I never, never, never.

[A]

All right, there she goes. Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. We pre polled. I got a name back. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Edward Sierovis, ladies and gentlemen, Edward Sierovis. Edward C0 bet we have Edward. I'm gonna hand for these ring card girls tonight. Jesus Christ almighty.

[B]

What the.

[A]

Make some noise for Edward, everybody.

[B]

Hey, how's it going Texas? Anybody smoking weed out there tonight? Yeah, it's not legal here, so I

[A]

guess that's means you still got to

[B]

deal with an old fashioned weed dealer anyways. I used to have a weed dealer. He sold weed on Instagram, which I

[A]

thought was ironic because if you wanted a gram, it was not instant.

[B]

He would hit you back like two, three days later like, hey, you still need that?

[C]

No.

[B]

At any rate, needless to say, he's

[A]

not in business anymore.

[B]

He got shot. But yeah, I don't smoke anymore. And I don't get the big hype about weed because I drink now and people say weed is a miracle drug.

[A]

But alcohol.

[B]

I had two drinks this morning, cheered my hangover over. Thank you.

[A]

Wow. What the. Edward. Oh my God. Unbelievable. This is a tough crowd we got here tonight. They are not holding back their booze. This is incredible. Edward, have you Done stand up before. No, sir. Holy. Look at your face, dude. That is something else, bro.

[B]

All right, all right, all right. Give him a chance to, you know, breathe or something. What's your first name again? Edward.

[A]

Edward.

[B]

All right. Do you ever go by Ed or Eddie or.

[C]

Or.

[B]

No, I go by my middle name. Andy. Okay.

[A]

Yes, sir. Yeah.

[B]

Sounds like they hate that even more. Oh, so are you ever Andy? Like, when are you Andy and when are you Edward? Oh, I'm Andy always. Just Edward by government name now. I love that. Andy always sounds like the name of your sitcom. Now what would that be about? Drinking. Okay.

[A]

You're a heavy drinker, huh?

[B]

A little bit.

[A]

So, like, what did you drink last night, for example?

[B]

A lot of Jack Daniels.

[A]

How much? Probably about half the bottle. About a liter. Half a liter or the.

[B]

The 750.

[A]

Okay. 750. Okay. You mix that with anything ice. Okay. And when did you start drinking like. Like this?

[B]

When I stopped smoking.

[A]

When was that?

[B]

About a year and a half ago.

[A]

Okay. Oh, this crap. It's ruthless. Edward, we're gonna get. We're gonna get you out of here quick tonight. The ones that suck always drop the book. It's incredible. You could set it to a watch. We pre polled. We have another name, right?

[B]

Ready?

[A]

Nikki Coleman. Everybody. Kill Tony. 60 seconds. Nikki Coleman. We fly through it sometimes. You guys like it when I move fast, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nikki Coleman is next here on Kill Tony. Come on. When I say the name, if I thought. What's the point of pre polling? God damn it. Nikki Coleman. Nikki Coleman. Guys, I have a staff of 40 people. I swear to God, nobody does anything. Here's Nikki Coleman. Oh, fuck yeah. Here we go. Oh, hell yeah. Make some noise for Nikki Coleman, everybody.

[C]

How y' all doing? I'm Nikki and I'm from Lorman, Mississippi. That means with a population 1500. And I'm related to 1498 of them motherfuckers. I moved all the way to Texas cause I had dick on layaway. And I just made my last payment. So welcome. Austin. Austin, Texas. I'm also a retired cougar. That mean I used to like them before they fucked up they credit. I had to stop fucking with them young dudes. Because when I turned 40, I realized it's some shit that don't work no more. Like my bladder when I cough, laugh and sneeze too hard, I pee a little bit. And I had this young dude roll me this fat ass. Smile, blunt. And for everybody, that's the police. I'm a comedian. And these are Just jokes. But anyways, he rolled this loud blood and tried to go downtown on me. And I said, stop, boy. He said, why? You can't handle it? I said, no, you gonna think I squirted in your face till you smell that asparagus I had for lunch, boy. Then you don't want to kiss me. And I ain't gonna kiss your pissy ass face. I can smell that asparagus. But for all y' all women that got that problem, the pins make flowers and thongs. You can be pretty and pissy at the same time. Bitch, be proud. My name is Nikki Coleman. I'm from Mississippi. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Bear, get out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get out of here. Hell, yeah. I liked your style, Nikki Coleman. You have grown so much since the beginning of the show.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

I remember when your hair was much shorter. Your arm wasn't broken.

[C]

I know that's from second dick. Too hard.

[A]

Oh, my God. I love your style.

[C]

Look, I'm looking for my first white man. I ain't never had a white man. You know why?

[A]

Why?

[C]

Cuz I think all white men penises look like boudin sausage.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

And I ain't racist. I just don't like bang. It's nasty as.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[C]

But you got Dr. Phil.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What the is a bon?

[C]

Oh, that's from why All My Louisiana People in Here. To know what boudin sausage is.

[B]

Okay, so.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[C]

With the brocade.

[B]

So are they big or small?

[C]

They just ain't dark enough.

[A]

Oh, my.

[C]

They ain't thick enough. You know what kaneka sausage is?

[B]

What'd you call me?

[C]

Google it.

[B]

Okay. I like her, Tony. She's feisty.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Black Barbie has arrived.

[C]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. There's too many white people in here tonight. My name ain't Nicky. It's Nicole with a ch.

[A]

Okay, all right.

[C]

I gotta blend in.

[A]

You're amazing. How long have you been doing standup?

[C]

Seven years.

[A]

Seven years in Louisiana.

[C]

Mississippi, baby.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Did you come here just for this?

[C]

I came here because my spirit told me to leave the fuck out of Mississippi and come to Austin. I ain't never been here a day in my life.

[A]

That is amazing. When did you get here?

[C]

I got here Saturday. This is my week anniversary. Hey.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Play that music. Shit.

[A]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

[C]

Oh, oh.

[A]

All right, all right. Right, Z. All right. I love it. This is amazing.

[B]

Well.

[C]

And I'm amazing on purpose. All the time. I believe that.

[A]

Love it. Wow. So you got here Saturday. Are you, like, moving here or you're just.

[C]

I moved here. I did. I picked up, I said them kids and I came to all to Texas.

[A]

My goodness, look at that. This a black mother acting like a black father. Incredible what you say.

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

I got two kids and three baby daddies. I don't know what that mean, but God damn it, it means something.

[A]

Hear me now. I know how you broke your arm.

[C]

I told you. Sucking dick too hard.

[A]

Oh, my God. Wow. What do you do for a living?

[C]

I'm a professional standup comedian and disabled veteran.

[A]

You're a veteran?

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Amazing.

[C]

I just wish God would have told me I was funny before I paid them student loans back and got that master's degree in civil engineering. I did all that shit for him to say, bitch, you funny.

[A]

Look at that. You got a master's in Mississippi.

[C]

Masters from the Mississippi State University, the best engineering school there is.

[A]

Wow. People like you used to have masters in Mississippi.

[C]

I know, right? I know.

[A]

We are live, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

That's all right.

[B]

Hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey. We'll be right back.

[C]

You don't see these light color eyes and this light skin. I was in the house.

[A]

Oh, I love it. I love it. Not to mention that beautiful blonde hair. I don't know how you got that. That's incredible.

[C]

That came straight from Sally's baby. Military in this cat out.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

You've got. You've got incredible energy. So your kids have got a. Your kids are experiencing what you're bringing to the table. Yeah. They must adore you.

[C]

Do they know you're doing my kids and my grandkids? Yeah. She play before she got grandkids?

[B]

Oh, I don't know if you should be doing that around the grandkids, but I digress. What about standup spoke to you?

[C]

Well, you know what? When my husband left me for a man, it ain't too much stand up. Can't say to.

[B]

Oh, we'll be right back. Again.

[C]

We'll be right back, y'. All.

[B]

Holy. Did you know the man he left you for?

[C]

Nah. I guess he was prettier than me, though.

[A]

How long ago Was this?

[C]

About 10 years. I'm a third husband. I'm toxic.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I figured he like them. It's me.

[A]

You're off. Honesty is beautiful. Oh, my God. So let me ask you this. He was gay, but he was with you for a while. Did he. Is he the one that recommended you cut your hair? Short.

[C]

Nah, I got a superpower I like to make men into overnight.

[A]

Oh my God, look at that. You are adorable. Look at you, you little Mississippi. Oh.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Oh my God. My God.

[B]

Follow up question. The. The husband that left you for a guy. Did. Was there something about the way you were, you know, sucking him off that made him want a guy's mouth instead?

[C]

Hell no. Ain't got to do with me. I just ain't had what he want, cuz I can't grow a dick.

[B]

Well, not with that attitude.

[A]

So what kind of guy are you into? What's your like current dream guy?

[B]

Great question.

[C]

Left his job in Mississippi to follow me all the way here in Austin, Texas.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

He's right up there.

[A]

Oh, where's he at? Amazing.

[C]

Yeah, he said that job, she get benefits.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

What's up, player? There, put a spotlight.

[A]

Oh my God. That is one of the darkest human beings. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. And he. Stand up again, sir. Stand up. He looks exactly like his shadow behind him. Look at that. Look at his shadow at 114. I can't tell which one's which. That motherfucker is dark. Oh my God. Oh, shit, dude. Oh my God. Look at that.

[C]

That's all right. He don't never need a flash when he take a picture when he next to me though.

[A]

There is nothing boudin about that sausage.

[C]

Not a goddamn thing.

[A]

Wow, you are something else. I've heard of a doja cat. I never heard of a doja cougar before this.

[C]

You better know it.

[A]

Oh my. Oh, damn. All right.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And my name Nikki. Oh, but my name ain't Nicole.

[A]

Wow, my goodness gracious.

[B]

Have your kids heard you do jokes? Do they know you're funny or do you. Are you just mom to the them? Like, what do you say? Are you this edgy around kids?

[C]

I'm this way all the time, all day, every day.

[B]

Good for you.

[C]

I was born like this. I look gay, but I. I don't. Do I just look like this? I'm one of them old fashioned tomboys who just want to climb the trees. I ain't want to eat.

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

And ride motorcycles and like that.

[B]

Yeah, I was the same way. No, just on trees.

[C]

Your hairline has a story that no one else knows.

[B]

I appreciate you. You're welcome. Thanks for taking an interest. It's, you know, and it's this type of respect, Nicole, that I think is going to set you apart from the rest of the comedians in the game. Because you've got a savviness to you, but you're also a listener. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

I. Watch your mouth, okay?

[A]

I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

[C]

That's what I'm talking about.

[A]

Welcome to Austin, Texas. You got one hand, you're in.

[B]

Ready? Oh.

[A]

It's okay. It's all good.

[C]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

I love you.

[B]

Great job.

[A]

Make some fucking noise for Nikki Coleman. She's the newest resident of Austin, Texas.

[B]

Congrats.

[A]

And it just keeps moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, it is that time for one of your most esteemed regulars in the history of the show. An absolute fucking sensation here with a brand new 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only one of the great regulars of the show's history, Cam Patterson.

[B]

All right, white, you can leave now. White. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. Damn, this. This is insane, bro. I really love doing what I'm going

[A]

right now in life.

[B]

This is the crazy thing ever.

[A]

The.

[B]

The best part about life right now though is. Is going on the road with Tony, man. We always go to all these. The one place we went to, we was in Phoenix and it looked just like this place. There was no black people at all. And I was like, where are all the black people?

[A]

And then they were like, welcome, nigga.

[B]

We were looking for you. Welcome to the show, baby. And then somebody just went, you made it. And I don't know who said that, but he wasn't black. And I was scary. That was terrifying.

[A]

I will tell you this.

[B]

Before I became a comedian, I wanted to be a. I wanted to go to the NBA. And I knew I could go to NBA. One, cuz I'm too short. But two, because I played my uncle in basketball.

[A]

He beat me.

[B]

He was like 47 years old when I was 16.

[A]

And after he beat me, he was

[B]

like, you know you just got beat by a former crackhead, right?

[A]

And then my dad, he was like,

[B]

he not no former crackhead. He did crack before the game. That mean I got beat by a on crack though. And I should have known he was

[C]

on crack because I would ask him

[A]

be like, hey man, pass the rock.

[B]

He was like, what rock is you talking about? N. That's it.

[A]

Yeah. Minute 18 from the great Cam Patterson. Unbelievable. Yo, so good. How's it going, Cam? How does this feel?

[B]

This is crazy. I need to pick my money up. God, this is insane.

[A]

A hell of an entrance. A true showman. Absolutely incredible.

[B]

Don't feel real, dude. What the.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Soak it in. Soak it in. How long you been traveling with White? You said? Well, what? How long you been traveling with White?

[A]

Oh, since I've been on the road with Tony.

[B]

I bring two with me every time I go somewhere. Okay. That's what's up.

[A]

It's part of the.

[B]

It's on my writer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, did you trade in the rocks for or do you still have those? Oh, let's go. Come on. Come on. Come on, Claire. Let's go.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

I don't stop. Hey, come on, man.

[C]

Come on, bro.

[B]

Come on, man.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

That was me who screamed Welcome N word at the Phoenix show. By the way, thanks for letting me get away with it, Tony.

[A]

Amazing. Yeah. No. What's going on, Cam? Tell us more. Anything else going on this week? What else is happening in your life?

[B]

Man? Hell no. This is it.

[A]

That's all. I.

[B]

All my life is trying to prepare for this goddamn show. You feel?

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And make sure, you know, they like what I'm talking about and like that. This is crazy, bro.

[A]

You're doing good, my friend. God damn, you're doing great.

[B]

They love you, dude. They love you. Listen to them, man. Yeah, baby. Start of something right there.

[A]

It is amazing. It must have been exciting to watch your mom kill before you came out here. That was fun.

[B]

And that sh.

[A]

Hard as my mom and my dad in the scrap. Now that's hard as hell. Yeah, that guy is something else. That guy could be your dad for sure.

[B]

That is my dad. That's the other one.

[A]

I love it, Cam. I mean, you're doing it. You're living the dream. Sold out shows. Everything you do turns to fucking gold. You're killing it. I don't even know what else to say.

[B]

I mean, you know, I saw you were in Hollywood a few weeks back selling out the improv, just on a. On a whim. What was that like? Had you been to Los Angeles before?

[A]

That was my second time ever.

[B]

That. That was crazy, you know what I'm saying? To be able to go there and do some like that. It's the story, you know what I'm saying? But I can't.

[A]

I thank y'.

[B]

All. You feel me?

[A]

I love all you crackers.

[B]

Real shit. Well, we love you, y'. All. My favorite talk, too.

[A]

Yep. The old crackers, the old boudin sausages. That's what I like to call them. I've always called them that. The old boudans. You know what I mean?

[B]

Did you go to Disneyland while you were there, Cam? No, I Got Disneyland where I'm from. Why would I go there?

[A]

Why would I go to the fake one?

[B]

Yeah, just a simple question, player.

[A]

What you got going on, man? You good?

[B]

Well, Disneyland's, you know, it's the original.

[A]

Nah, Disneyland, man. World, what it called?

[B]

Yeah, Disney World. Disneyland, man. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Hey everyone shut the up. What does Disney World have that Disneyland does? It r. I a been there in a long time, but it's better cuz I'm from there. That place. Okay, more.

[A]

Yeah, more parks, more parks, more parks

[B]

from Orlando too, right? Okay, more people we winning, but we have more Mexicans playing like Goofy and Captain Hook, you know?

[C]

Go.

[A]

Are there a lot of black people in Orlando?

[B]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[A]

Jesus, I thought it was the most magical place on earth. Sounds. Sounds terrible to me. I mean I knew they had mice and. But Jesus, I love it. Anything else, Cam?

[B]

N. That's it, bro. I'm just happy to be here.

[A]

You're absolutely killing it. We'll do it again tomorrow night. The legend the best. Absolutely amazing what this guy does. Beats on beats. Punchlines on punchlines. Week after week after week. That's the real life. That's the future. And the present. One more time for Cam Patterson, huh? All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Pedro Loaza. Everybody make slides for Pedro. Hey,

[B]

There you go guys.

[A]

Give it up for Pedro Loa.

[B]

I. I went to Columbia with my dad last year. That was pretty fun. I went there cuz he's from there and I don't like his accent. Cuz on the plane ride he pronounces the words tourist and terrorist the exact same

[A]

like what the fuck?

[B]

It was pretty cool. And when we got to Columbia, my dad was telling me about all the beautiful women there. But the only hot woman I met were my cousins. It was really weird.

[A]

Best sex ever.

[B]

Anyway, yeah, yeah, no, I also got to meet my grandpa. That was pretty cool. And the whole time he just kept calling me Maron.

[C]

And

[B]

I thought he was saying American with an accent. The whole time he just kept calling me faggot.

[A]

And

[B]

the whole time was like, yeah, I'm a proud marigon. Thank you guys.

[A]

One more time for Pedro. Lorenzo.

[B]

Pedro. It's good to see you again. How are you doing?

[A]

Great.

[B]

How old are you, Pedro?

[A]

I'm 18.

[B]

18? Holy.

[A]

Did he say 22 and you said 18?

[B]

He's 18.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So he's too old for you, red man. All right now, Pedro, guys. Welcome back Tony Hinchcliffe to the States. Pedro, how Long you been doing stand up comedy? Since I was 16. Okay, so two years. Yes, sir. And, and what do you love about it, Pedro? What's bringing you joy? Hearing you guys laugh. That was pretty nice.

[A]

He did good. 18 years old, he did good.

[B]

A lot of laughs, Tony.

[A]

I had to pee. I got one of those IV drips today. They don't around ultra hydration.

[B]

He had a classic kill. Tony said he made fun of himself. He said the word, then he talked about his family.

[A]

Hell yeah. Look at you. It's been a long time since we had a boy on that. Looks like Rosie o'. Donnell. This is incredible.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

What ethnicity are you?

[B]

Colombian.

[A]

Oh, okay. That explains the fatty Escobar look you have going on. My goodness. What do you do for work?

[B]

I'm a loader at Lowe's.

[A]

You're a what?

[B]

A loader at Lowe's. A Lowe's loader, Tony.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

What are you loading, Pedro? Law of illegal immigrants most times. Oh, that was funny. We'll keep that in now.

[A]

It's interesting. You work at Lowe's. You look like you have downs. It's like a low downs. Low downs. All right, I'm bombing in an arena.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Okay. This is what it feels like. All right. Oh, hey, hey, hey.

[B]

Chill, chill.

[A]

I was going to throw you guys civic toothpicks, but now I'm not going to.

[B]

You guys keep this up. I'm bringing out Bing Bong for another New Year's Eve song. Now, Pedro, I love your. If she bursted through the screen right now, Kool Aid style, I'd my pants.

[A]

Happy New Year,

[B]

Pedro. What's your New Year's resolution?

[A]

Happy New Year. Oh, it's not on me, okay?

[B]

I want to get laid with a white chick.

[A]

That's. You do. Have you ever been with a white woman in any way?

[B]

Yeah. In what way? Way, like just like, like middle school. We were just like, yeah, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. But no, no kissing.

[A]

She wasn't ready for no kissing.

[B]

Any, any hands?

[A]

Is there a white woman out there that wants to kiss this guy? Huh, Kel? Tony fans are the absolute best. Do we have a white woman out there? Anyone willing to give this 18 year old a kiss on the lips? Huh? Anyone? You'll be a legend in comedy history. Anyone? You gotta want to do it.

[B]

This, this gal right here in the red glasses and the frizzy hair.

[A]

Oh, that would be the best.

[B]

Even on the hand or the cheek. Oh, here she comes.

[A]

Holy. Please, please. Wow. Colt, get her. Yeah. How About a hand for the great bonsai right there in the flesh. That's him. There he is. Adrian Cavazos. Oh, look at little Heath going in for. Oh,

[C]

Celia.

[A]

Celia, New Year. The remix. Celia, New Year.

[C]

I got some.

[B]

That's going to be my new ringtone.

[A]

You sound just like him.

[B]

I got.

[A]

Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. God, dreams really do come true.

[B]

Wait, wait. Pedro, hold on to that mic. Player, hold on to that mic.

[A]

Pedro, grab that mic. My God.

[B]

Now, on the Dr. Phil show, we've never done this before. But on the Kill Tony show, anything goes. So that's why we're here right now, Tony.

[A]

Holy. Sweetheart, what is your name?

[C]

Cat.

[A]

Cat. Oh my God. I wouldn't have guessed that.

[B]

You look like you drive the magic school bus.

[A]

You look like you also fix the magic school bus.

[B]

What do you do, Cat?

[C]

I work to redesign schools inside juvenile justice facility.

[A]

Oh, an American hero.

[B]

Happy New Year. Now, have you ever kissed a stranger before?

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Okay. Dumb fucking question. That's on me.

[C]

Not since I've been married.

[A]

This guy's cool. I could tell. He's got real cuck energy. He's into this right now. Now he's cool dude. Glasses, beard, tattoos to the wrist. He's laughing, he's happy. There goes this bond super villain. Look at this creeper coming back to his seat.

[B]

What did I miss? I found the antidote.

[A]

We got Joe Rogan's stepson walking back to his seat. Look at this dork. Oh, my God. He just had to go to the bathroom. Inject some testosterone real quick. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, we'll get you some on it, player. Keep it together.

[A]

Now.

[B]

Now, sir, stand up and show the audience the cool husband that's letting his wife kiss a stranger. Come on.

[A]

Hell yeah. Look at this guy.

[B]

Put those lights on. Stand up. Turn around. Pull 360. Yeah, look at that guy. That's a big deal. Hey, that's a big deal because tricks on you. You're on a new game show called Cat's Going to Blow this Guy. So. No, I'm just kidding. We have. That's. It's not that, but. Okay. Anything else? Before we let this happen to me,

[A]

I'm just gonna say that if you want the crowd to go really wild, it's got to be a good ass kiss. We've done this many times before. The show's famous for giving people their first kiss. They're.

[B]

She's representing first kiss all white women.

[A]

Well, no, we know it's not your first. It's Your first white woman kiss.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Right.

[B]

Pedro, are you nervous? No. Okay. Kat, are you excited?

[C]

I'm excited. I do have to tell you that I'm, like, 99.6% Irish, so, like, you couldn't go whiter.

[A]

Oh, wait, she's 99.6% Irish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so you can't. What?

[C]

Whiter.

[A]

Right. It's about as white as it gets. No doubt about it. I'm pretty sure that. I'm pretty sure he's thinking, I wish it was anybody else in the audience right now on but you.

[B]

You got to go.

[A]

I think you're so lucky. Yeah.

[B]

All right, you guys excited? I think we should make this happen. You want to do it? Yes.

[A]

And, Pedro, let's go. Oh, Wow. A magical no,

[B]

Guys, one more time for Cat and Pedro, huh? Holy fucking shit.

[A]

Hell, yeah. I was wondering what I spent 20 grand on pyro for. It was. That's. We really blew our load on that one. It was ridiculous just for two people with big hair to kiss for a second. Oh, my God. How do you feel right now, Pedro?

[B]

The same.

[A]

You're a funny guy, dude. I like your style. It's a shame that I missed your set because I had to pee, but I'll tell you, you're gonna. You're gonna get a big joke book. You're gonna get,

[B]

great job, dude.

[A]

And you're gonna get some Zipix. How long you been doing Santa?

[B]

Since I was 16.

[A]

Since you were 16. So you've been doing it two years. So how about you ever perform at the Mothership?

[B]

No, sir.

[A]

Do you live here?

[B]

I live in. I live in Dallas.

[A]

So you can make the drive.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

How about Tuesday night, you make your comedy mothership debut? You're gonna do a show called Bottom of the Barrel, where you improvise topics that are the audience puts in a barrel. The booker of the mothership will be there. If you do good, it might just change your life. There he goes. Pedro Luiz.

[B]

What the is up, Austin? He was almost going to cry. Tony, that was sweet. That was a big deal.

[A]

We're making dreams come true. He was also going to cry when he saw Cat walking up to the stage, but two different kinds of tears there. How about one more time for Cat? Fuck, yeah. I like your style, Cat. All right, another bucket pull, right? Oh, you know what? Let's wait on this. We have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, I don't mind the bucket pull, girl. Coming out. How about another hamper Sable, everybody? These chicks are unbelievable. All right, a Special treat for y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

Hey, another Keltoni legend. Colt from Dallas. Remember he kicks things. Once tried to kick a water bottle off of Jeremiah's head and missed and kicked Jeremiah. Pretty epic. All right, a special treat for y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

One of the darkest forces in all of comedy. He did a minute at the 10 year anniversary anniversary episode. If you guys have ever seen a show at the Comedy Mothership, you've probably seen this man. If you've ever seen a show at the Comedy Store, you've probably seen this man. Your favorite comedians. Favorite comedians, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see how loud this place can get for the dark horse, Brian Holtzman. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah, baby. Celia,

[A]

make some noise for Holtzman.

[B]

If that little boy can this, I'll her too. He's a good, Good that. Welcome, welcome to the. Yeah, the retards knew what I said. I want to loosen you up before I start. So if you're a guy out there, just pull out your dick and all you get on your knees and suck it. Suck that dick. It'll be your last blow job. Looking at me like I'm some kind of nut yourself. Climate change. Climate change. I'm sick of hearing about climate change. When am I supposed to walk here all the way from Dripping Springs. Get your. Get your reback to get you. Oh look, what am I supposed to do? The temperature of the ocean is rising. I'm still gonna piss in there when I go to the beach. I might even take a. I might even take a. I need shower. I need hot water. I need a gasoline. I need electricity. I need condoms. You ever a sheep without a condom? I don't recommend it. I can't do anything about the climate. Stop telling me about the climate. I can't do anything about the climate. And I can't do anything about those weather girls on television either. Why do you need high heels and tight clothes and big tits to tell me what the weather is? Well, it's gonna be mild out today and the wind is coming out of the south. No, show me those big tits. Show me those big tits. Take those tits out and show me those big silver dollar nipples.

[C]

You.

[B]

Then they go into the. The wind direction and they show this. You say, oh please, please, please. I just put pull up your skirt. Pull up your skirt and show me where the rolls out of your hole. Show me your hole. Show me your hole. Then they want to go into the seven day forecast in seven days the weather. I get an eight ball of coke in my pocket. I don't know If I'll be here in 10 minutes, it. I don't give a. What's going to happen in seven days. Do I look like I have a family of four? Just pull up your skirt and show me the man in the boat. Show me the man in the boat. Show me where the dick goes.

[C]

Tell me where there is to be.

[B]

Some of you don't know what to. Some of you don't know how to react.

[C]

Why?

[B]

I just want to let you know that I did knock up Jesse Jet Ski Johnson. Now I gotta drive this all the way to California to get rid of that kid. Do what I do after you have sex with somebody you haven't met before. The condom, the pills. When you're done, snap that neck. Snap that neck. Hey, you. Hey, you. Stupid. Taking it serious yourself.

[A]

Brian Holtzman, everybody. I don't know where the booze are coming from. You people in the background.

[B]

Thank you, sir. What are you.

[A]

Another legendary set from the great Brian Oldsman. You look fantastic. Welcome back. Holtzman made the trip truly back from California, back to his home in Austin, Texas for this. We appreciate it, Brian.

[B]

A couple of those are Seinfeld bits, aren't they? They're all Seinfeld bits, bitch.

[A]

What is the deal with the weather girls, man in the boat? Yeah.

[B]

You know, it's just unbelievable, you know what? What don't you understand, man? Huh? Did your mama come out of your mouth? Did your mother come out of your mouth? Why did you lose a sock in the dryer?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Socks are small things in the dryer are big. And sometimes those little socks get caught in big clothing and when you take it out, they get lost. That's how you lose a fucking socket and drive.

[A]

That is just how Seinfeld did it. Do another Seinfeld bet.

[B]

Who are these people? Why do they call a chair? It's always been a chair, you motherfucker. Tell a fucking joke. Who are these people? Why does the hair stick to the tile in the bed? I don't know. I got a Filipino bitch that clean my fucking shit out. Tell a fucking joke, will you?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

75% of the people are laughing. 25%. Just sheer fright. It is incredible. That's the matt rife. 25%.

[B]

If you're not laughing. If you're not laughing, kill yourself.

[A]

There you go. There you go.

[B]

That's your closer. Kill your family first, then kill your self. That's a. That's a good T shirt, Brian. It's a great T shirt idea. Get all dressed up to have you look at me like I'm a nut? No, you're fine. You're good. You're good. Great band. Great. Great blind guy. Oh. Oh. He doesn't have a sense of humor.

[A]

Holtzman is.

[B]

You're not laughing for him. You woke, suckers. It's a new year. The woke is over. The woke is over.

[A]

It is true. It is true. We love you, Brian. Thank you so much. You're the best. How do you feel?

[B]

I feel like I've been betrayed by the people that I thought loved me. Who are these people? Why would you. Why would you swallow cum?

[A]

Oh, my God. They're really.

[B]

All right,

[A]

Holtzman, let's run it back again tomorrow night. What do you think? You want to do it again?

[B]

Yeah, as long as you motherfuckers aren't going to be here,

[A]

I'm gonna get him a whole new crowd.

[B]

You laughed at that trend. Oh, God. That's another great T shirt, Brian.

[A]

Make some noise for the great Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

He's running for office in 2024. Vote for him.

[A]

All right, this is it. Your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Has been pre pulled. Should be backstage, ready to go. Make some noise for 60 seconds uninterrupted for Austin Young, everybody. Austin Young. Austin Young. Bucket pool number nine. We got through a loss tonight. He's an Austin nine with a lot of special treats. Hell yeah. What's going on, guys? What's up?

[B]

A little bit about myself. I grew up super religious, went to Christian school, and, like, I was too Christian for the Christian school. Like, I used to fail science class on purpose because that's what I thought we were supposed to do. I thought they were testing our faith. So, like, the teacher, she'd be up, she'd be the teaching, she'd be like, dinosaurs used to walk around the earth billions of years ago. And I'd be like, blasphemous me. And she'd be like, you're being very disruptive. And I'm like, and you're being a false prophet trying to lead the flock of the righteous astray. She's like, I'm going to call your parents. I'm like, and tell them what? I'm defending my faith. You got nothing. I mean, all right. I was a pretty good student, though. I had straight A's. Other than that, that. So the teachers made this deal with me. They're like, all right, you're good students, so we're going to give you this deal. Just write an essay on how Earthquakes are caused. You turn that in, we'll pass you my deal. So I write the essay, turn it in. I get called into the principal's office the next day. He's like, did you write this essay on how earthquakes are caused? I'm like, yeah. He's like, you just wrote the gays.

[A]

Fuck yes, I. Austin Young pushing it to the limit. He's done, Barry. He's done. He's done. Get back. That was a fucking great set, Austin.

[B]

Thank you. I appreciate it. Very funny. Absolutely. Thank you.

[A]

You were just on the show recently, right?

[B]

I was on the show recently and you accused me of celibacy. And I did not appreciate that.

[A]

What made me say that?

[B]

I don't know. I'm a very handsome boy.

[A]

What did I say that makes you think that I accused you of celibacy?

[B]

You just. You were shocked that I get so.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I could see that you get a lot of.

[B]

I mean, it's. I take down a lot of pigs, but it's all good.

[A]

But.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

They're. They're called cats now. They're called cats.

[B]

You love the girls picture. People too. What's the biggest. What's the biggest you've been with? I like that noise. What did that mean? Seem pretty big.

[A]

She.

[B]

I grab a handful of forehead like that. A handful of forehead? Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. She a big.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Is that a euphemism or like an action? No, no, no, no. You could, you know, when you get that big, they just got nowhere else to go but here. So. Was she on Dr. Pimple Popper or what? No. Okay. Met her on Facebook.

[A]

Dating.

[B]

Good for you. That was cool. Good for you. How long you been doing standup player? This will be year four coming up. Good. Yeah. Yes, sir.

[A]

Fantastic set. You've only been on the show once before.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

What else did we find out about you there? What do you do for work?

[B]

I work with horses and I'm a truck driver.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I quit that though. We got a stud. And I was. I never worked with studs before. And I was told when you go in a stall, like, don't turn your back to them. And I. I accidentally beat in and.

[A]

And he's like, look at the fat ass on this one. Look at this celibate fat boy.

[B]

Let me grab some of that forehead. Yeah, yeah, it's. You're not supposed to turn your back to them, cuz they. They get real charged up. They're supposed to mount whenever they see something, so keep going. That's what happened He. His dick came out. It was. It was massive. Huge. But he had nothing to mount, so he just started smacking his stick to his tummy. And then red band. You've done that, right?

[A]

Yeah. At that secret show.

[B]

And I'll. I'll be honest, it was probably. I thought that was the biggest dick until I hung out with Heath last night. Week and.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. A real stud.

[B]

No, real stud.

[A]

Never turn your back on Heath.

[B]

Never turn your back on heat. Where are you from? I'm from Florida. Oh, yeah?

[A]

What part?

[B]

Fort Myers.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I started comedy in Tampa. Gnarly.

[A]

All right.

[B]

But you live here. I live here now. Yes, sir. Okay.

[A]

What do you love about Austin?

[B]

I love getting up spots everywhere. It's great anywhere you go. You just get up every night. It's pretty awesome.

[A]

So you get a lot of. Is what you're saying a decent amount. Have you ever had an std? How about a kfc?

[B]

Oh, you know it, dude.

[C]

Maybe a blt?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I pissed a couple times and it hurt, but I mean, that cleared up.

[A]

It just cleared up on its own.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you have chlamydia. Great.

[C]

Probably.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

How often do people confuse you for the bouncer at Panera? All of every time I'm in Panera. Yeah. Is that your go to food? What's your favorite snack? If you're high or just got done, you know. Know some foreheads. Probably whatab burger.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Big patty melt guy. Yeah. In and out.

[A]

All right.

[B]

It's a Texas crowd. I'm fan of retire.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I like in and out too.

[A]

I love it. I love it. What's your guiltiest pleasure? What's a nasty thing that you eat that you make for yourself at home? Maybe sometimes.

[B]

Eggs. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Late night eggs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How many eggs at once do you make?

[B]

Eight.

[A]

Whoa. Holy damn, dude.

[B]

Even cats like that Sounds like a lot of eggs.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, are you. Have you ever been to Dallas? I have not. Okay. Where's the craziest place you've been to? Well, I used to be a truck driver, but I mean, I've been all over the country, so. You love to drop that truck driver shit, don't you? I guess. I mean, it's the most interesting thing about me. I would disagree. Agree. I would disagree. I feel like you got some secret skills like sign language or. I can drink beer really fast.

[A]

That's about it. You can like. Like a.

[B]

Can I do like a pint glass or something? Can we get a beer up?

[A]

Can we get a giant bucket of beer this sounds exciting.

[B]

Let me tell you. Let me tell you that. Give me your first name again. Austin. Austin. So my good friend Adam Ray is going to be headlining in Dallas the end of February. Worry if you can drink this beer in under five seconds. You can feature for the.

[A]

How about that?

[B]

How about that? How about them apples? Good.

[A]

All right, that's a real, real. That's a paid gig. And I'll add the secret show on top of that.

[B]

Oh, secret show on top.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

And Joe Rogan's gonna let you shoot his bow and arrow.

[A]

You need it in a bucket or something like that.

[B]

I'd rather in a glass. You.

[A]

How about a bucket?

[B]

A bucket?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How about a condom from Heath?

[A]

Let's make history. The first time the bucket of Destiny has ever been used as a. It's clean gullet before.

[B]

Holy. That's a lot of bucket beer.

[A]

You going to pour a couple in there? What are we talking about? You just going one.

[B]

Yeah, let's go. Two, baby.

[A]

Yeah. The great bonsai, ladies and gentlemen. He makes all the joke bucks from

[B]

the producers of Two Girls. One cup.

[A]

You guys like joke books, right? No, she's good, she's good.

[B]

Two cans, one bucket. Here we go. All right, Austin, this is way.

[A]

Hey. Oh, wait.

[B]

Oh, there he goes. Go for it. There we go. Come on, come on, come on. Five, four, three, two, one.

[A]

One.

[B]

He did it, baby, let's go. He did it. He did it.

[A]

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. He just got an entire weekend to work with Adam Ray. And I'll have you on the secret show Thursday if you can. And you're on the secret show on Thursday.

[B]

Thank you so much. Appreciate it.

[A]

You got work in Austin, Dallas, the full Texas fucking run. Austin youngling, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. You already have a big joke book, right?

[B]

I do, yeah.

[A]

There you go. There you go.

[B]

Thank you guys so much.

[A]

Keeping it moving, I think.

[B]

I think I bought sandals from him at Lady Footlocker once. Funny guy right there. Funny guy.

[A]

I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that part of the show. Your final comedian of the night. His parents are here. Who we love legendary guests, some people say guest of the year 2022. I mean, what can I say about him? You know him, he has the record for all time appearances on the show. The record for the most interviews on this show. He is the currently the only living member of the Kill Tony hall of Fame. The Tijuana Tarantula. The Des Moines Dealer, The Syracuse Sultan, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery. You gotta make more noise than that. This is William Montgomery. Okay, stop playing. Stop playing already. Who I'm looking for. Old Town Road. Must fornicate with fruity black cowboy. Time for a joke. What do you call a robot on drugs? Elon Musk. No, but seriously. Alex Jones uses me to block 5G cell phone signal. People ask me if I like the wizard of Oz. Pretty much the only Oz I care about is the HBO show. What's the difference between Red Band's mom and the Wicked Witch from the West? Red Band's mom only turns into a puddle when you hit it from the back. Your mom's a fucking slut, dude.

[B]

And she's old as shit.

[A]

She was fucking in the wizard of Oz, bitch. But, yeah, that's my time. Thank you so much. Wow, what an amazing performance. This is unbelievable. You are such a showman. On these big shows, you really know how to pull. Turn it up. You are what? What are you, a robot? It's Tony. It's a little embarrassing. I was actually wearing this on Christmas night. And I just haven't changed yet. I, super drunk, took a little ecstasy. Five days later, I lost at the airport again.

[B]

Good evening.

[A]

This look is unbelievable. You on the big screen with these great cameras. It is incredible to see such a showman. Where do you get a hat like that? Oh, man, I got this in New Mexico. I was in New Mexico four days ago, Tony. First night of ecstasy. There's a fucking Hispanic family that I

[B]

used to live with.

[A]

I went over to their casa one night. We're fucking.

[B]

We're.

[A]

I mean, it was. And I had this fucking hat on. No, but the hat's a nightmare. I've been wearing it for the past five fucking hours and. Hey, bitch, when are you gonna start laughing at any of this shit?

[B]

I'm killing it up here right now, bitch.

[A]

Thousands of people here. Meanwhile, those two really stand out. It's kind of incredible. Yo, what is that? A father, daughter situation? What the. Oh, a father, daughter situation. Oh, it is. Yeah. They are father and daughter. You actually nailed it, William.

[B]

How much does an outfit like this cost?

[A]

This was $3,000. I got it on Amazon. Got 24 hour shipping. It was actually the shipping that cost so much. The shipping was 2,500. Outfit was 500. When you got to get it fast, you got to get it Amazon.

[B]

I mean, it's a great look. You look like you sell plan B on the moon. That's a compliment. That's a tough gig.

[A]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

You're crushing it. I love the hat.

[A]

You said when you gotta get it fast, you gotta go. Amazon. Is this a new sponsor?

[C]

I'm here.

[A]

It is, y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

I actually have the biggest sponsorship deal of my life.

[B]

Hooty who?

[A]

Amazon. Reached out Christmas night. That's why I took the ecstasy. Seven years.

[C]

Years.

[A]

They said $8,000. Something has to be off with that. But yeah, seven years, 8,000 bucks. But it's Amazon. I get free shipping. So. Why are you laughing? What are you doing with your stupid head? $3,000 on shipping?

[B]

You spent $3,000?

[A]

You sound as stupid as ever right now, you dumbass. He did say it was 3,000 for the outfit, not for shipping.

[B]

I said all the money was on shipping. I pay attention.

[A]

Oh. Oh yeah, and red band. By the way, my dad is up there with your girlfriend. I said something. Making out earlier. Whoa. And my dad sick as right now. Oh, finally. A white guy getting an Asian sick for a change. That's different. You remember the lab leak? No. All right, forget it.

[B]

He's talking about Wuhan. And I got a big problem with Wuhan.

[A]

Tell us what your problem is.

[B]

I ain't ever going to go back to Wuhan.

[A]

How many times have you been there? Like seven times. Oh my God. What did you used to do in Wuhan? I worked at a factory, Tony. It was a factory. We dealt with a bunch of tires. It was a nightmare. I didn't know how to speak Spanish.

[B]

I don't give a. No. By the way, I would love to see a headline tour of Brian Holtzman and William Montgomery. I mean, I paid top dollar for that.

[A]

That's good money. $10? Yeah.

[B]

Maybe we should do it.

[A]

One of the balls rolled on top of your hat.

[B]

That's what she said.

[A]

So a red band's mom said the other night. Oh, and is that just glitter on your belly? Am I seeing this correctly? Cuz there's a hole in the middle. Is that your belly button? Yeah. I actually ate some of that sparkly stuff in thermometers at my parents house. I got into some. Some of those things and yeah, drank the sparkly silver stuff and Tony, it's been like this for a couple of days now. My tummy's hurting so bad. I ate a. It's like mercury or something. I was drinking the mercury out of these thermometers. My mom was like, william, you had

[B]

to stop doing that.

[A]

You.

[B]

You're turning silver. And I was like, what accent is that? You're turning silver, William.

[A]

Yeah, my mom sounds really Weird.

[B]

Is she the teacher? Is she the teacher from the Muppet Babies? Who was that? Yeah, William, you're turning silver.

[A]

Your mom sounds like that. Yeah.

[B]

William, what's going on with your tummy?

[C]

It's turning silver.

[B]

William, your tummy is really silver right now. And I'm like, mom, get the fuck

[A]

out of my room. I can eat some mercury, boss.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

William. How have the cameos been going? Cameos have got. I. I swear to all of you. Thank you. If you're in this room and you got a cameo, I'm up to number six. Let's go on cameo. I'm flying to their office next Sunday.

[B]

I got a bone to pick with Cameo. Uhoh. What's the bone? What'd they do?

[A]

They. They released. I had a bunch of personal data on there. It's an actual. It's a real lawsuit.

[B]

Oh. Oh, okay.

[A]

How did the gig at Dr. Squatch headquarters go? Well, they heard about me mentioning Dr. Squatch giving me cancer, and they actually didn't pay me, so I didn't get paid. So. Yeah, I'm not even kidding. It was the biggest deal up my life.

[B]

Life.

[A]

I'm already buying the sports car. I'm already buying the Porsche. Boxer. They find out I was that funny idiot. And then I find out they're not gonna pay my ass. And I swear I spent that money the second it hit my. That Second that check in my pocket, I'm getting. Looking up sports box.

[B]

Poor sports.

[A]

Sports boxers and sportsters. Looked up a bunch of sportsters, and I'm like, I got this big ass check in my pocket. It's like, I see these sportsters all over Craigslist and.

[B]

And you're really not laughing at this? Wait, William, if I bought a cameo from you later tonight for like, my grandson, right? He's got hpv and he's. But he's. But he's a big fan of Fortnite. Okay. But he's also, he's, you know, he's got a lazy eye. If I give you that personal information. Information. His name's Ethan. What would you. Let's. Let's give him a little cameo music, guys. What would you record for my grandson?

[A]

Hey, Ethan, what's up? So nice to be talking with your ass right now. Ethan. If I seem kind of sad right now. Yeah, I'm pretty sad.

[B]

My dad actually got stuck in the chimney Christmas Eve, and we don't know

[A]

if he made it halfway in 2/3

[B]

of the way in.

[A]

We don't know because we had to call the Fire department and they show up, it turns into a very expensive, very extensive extraction operation. So, yeah, Ethan, I'm sad as right now, but. Ethan. Oh, my gosh. I heard you like Fortnite. Dude, that's so cool. I love Fortnite. I can't get enough of Fortnite. Eat the.

[B]

God.

[A]

What was the rest of it?

[B]

I don't know. Hey, he's not a real person, but. But that was great. Now, how much money have you made on cameo? You said six cameos.

[A]

I have made over $6,000. It's been two years, so things are looking up. I'm thinking I might actually get that escalator back at the apartment. I want to start fucking not walking up the stairs anymore. This hat makes it hard enough. I'm getting the escalator again if I keep on doing the cameos. So we'll see. I mean, Lord willing and the creek don't rise, I'm gonna get that escalator in two years. It seems like you are set on getting the escalator. Do you think this is some. A dream that you're ever going to give up on?

[B]

You know what, Tony?

[A]

The moment I heard about just what an escalator was, how it gets you up to the second level of a

[B]

mall or someplace like that and you

[A]

don't have to take a step. I discovered they're called escalators. And I discovered them. And I get one shift to my house, and I swear to God, I ever go.

[B]

Stop ordering escalators to my house. Holes.

[A]

Never.

[B]

I ever go style makes the noise

[A]

for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, William. Our second musical guest couldn't make it. So thank you so much for having me. We'll see you tomorrow night, William. Lights out, Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Hooty hoo.

[A]

Now, normally, everybody, before you guys head for the stands, these. These people afraid of parking. I know it's. It's been four hours of continuous entertainment that a lot of you have seen in this room. But before we go, we have a little surprise that we have for a very, very special man that I've worked with for 17 years. Dr. Phil, we got something special for you. If you want to look up at that screen, I think you might enjoy what's going to happen right here. Look up this.

[B]

Good evening and congratulations to the Kill Tony podcast on doing its first show in an arena. Well, I wish I could be there. I was going to come, but I had to finish eating this apple. But nonetheless, it is with mixed emotions or maybe great pleasure that I Award The Kill Tony 2023 guest of the year to Adam Ray as Dr. Phil. Phil. Wait a minute. What first, Adam. Roy. Whatever. I think he owes me money. Anyway, congrats, Adam. You finally figured out how to be successful by pretending to be me. Now, while I don't usually relish people doing an impression of me, I mean, audience, can he do me? Has he got me nailed? Okay, okay. I have to say, he's pretty damn good. If he was really committed, he would shave his head. Kind of like breakfast. The chicken is involved, but the pig is committed. I do endorse comedy. Laughter, Character is important, especially nowadays. So congrats, Adam and Kill Tony on a wild night. Perhaps y' all will see me the real deal one of these days. Now, how weird would that be? I could come and do an impression of Adam doing an impression of me. Hey, God bless Texas and happy New year Year,

[A]

ladies and gentlemen. There you have it. The video froze up, but it is Indeed official. Your 2023 guest of the year, Dr. Phil. Here's the great Yoni with a trophy. You got to hold it from the base. Guest of the year, Right? Guest of the year, Adam Ray. Dr. Phil. Follow him on everything. Instagram, Twitter. Hell yeah. Make some noise for Dr. Phil, everybody. Oh, shit.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

Doctor Phil's famous dance. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Night one in the books. You're not gonna believe what happens tomorrow night. We love you guys. How about a hand for the artist? Let's see what Ryan J belt the great Ryan J with a little Dr. Phil. Look at that, Adam. Look at that up on the Jumbotron there. Look at. Oh, there it was. It was another guest of the year thing. There's Dr. Phil. That's fantastic. Let's see what Austin zone Chris Rogers has here up his sleeve kicking off night one of Kill Tony mania. Oh, that's the a little wish you were here homage with me and Red Band. I love that.

[C]

That.

[A]

God damn it. You do this, I might have to buy that too. God, you son of a. Oh, we're going to have an auction off a post.

[B]

Yo, let me say. Let me say one thing real quick. This is the greatest live comedy show in the history of comedy. I got to say that real quick. Keep it going for Tony Hinchcliff and Brian Redband. This show's been going start at the Comedy Store and they are just climbing and climbing, climbing, all because of you guys. Give it up for yourselves real quick. Let's go.

[A]

We love you guys so much. Thank you for coming to this, our added show. You guys are in for a real how many? You are coming back tomorrow night. We love it. We love you guys. Guys giving me the finger over there. I love it. I was gonna throw you a little joke book. You angry little. Look at him. He got off his chair and he disappeared. Look at you. Look at your team. Tiny little fingers.

[B]

I love you guys. Thank you so much.

[A]

We love you. God bless Texas. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

[B]

We need more time at this moment.

[A]

It.

[B]

Sam. We gonna turn this father out. We gonna turn this father.

[A]

We gonna turn this.

[B]

It.

[C]

Sa.