#648 - SHANE GILLIS + MATT MCCUSKER - NYE HEB ARENA

Summary

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Kill Tony #648: Shane Gillis + Matt McCusker – NYE HEB Arena

Date: January 30, 2024
Venue: HEB Center @ Cedar Park, Austin, TX
Guests: Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, Sugar Sean O’Malley, MrBeast
Notable Moments: Hall of Fame Induction for David Lucas, Hans Kim vs. Rick Diaz Regular Showdown, $10,000 MrBeast giveaway, Arena Proposal

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Episode Overview

This Kill Tony episode, filmed live at Austin’s HEB Arena on New Year’s Eve, is an electrifying, oversized celebration of comedy, community, and chaos. Hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban helm an episode packed with the largest audience in show history (over 7,000 fans!), a parade of surprise comedic guests, iconic Kill Tony regulars, passionate newcomer comedians, and show-stopping moments like the Hans Kim vs. Rick Diaz “regular” showdown, David Lucas’ Hall of Fame induction, and a $10,000 giveaway from YouTube phenom MrBeast.

Special guests Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker add to the raucous tone, joining in for bucket pulls, roasts, and crowd commentary, while UFC champ Sugar Sean O’Malley brings athletic star power as the official referee of the climactic comic battle. The show crescendos with heartfelt speeches, arena-wide laughter, and a perfectly wild New Year’s countdown.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Arena Energy & Introductions (10:00–14:30)

• Tony walks out to massive applause: “Who’s ready for the best New Year’s Eve ever?” (10:28)
• The infamous Kill Tony band is introduced, with real-time art by Ryan J. Ebelt & Chris Rogers.
• Tony celebrates moving to a packed arena and closes the era at Vulcan: “This is officially our last scheduled taping here at this venue.” (02:29)

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2. The “Regulars” Shine: Boilerplate Chaos & Character Sets

Cam Patterson’s Opening Set (18:42)

• Brings a high-energy, raw set about white girls, libido, and insecurity about penis size.
• Classic line: “I do tell y’all my dick not that big, and that upsets me...” (18:58)
• Banters with Tony about betting on Hans Kim, his kicks (“I stole these earlier. From a power line.” 20:04), and his mom in the audience.

David Jolly’s Lightning Set (24:09)

• Laughs about abandoned racist words: “If I walk out here right now and an old white man walk up to me and say, ‘hey, how you doing today, jigaboo,’ I’m gonna say, ‘Well, jigaboo to you too, sir.’”
• Crowd-interactive, riffy, chaotic energy.

Dr. Phil Impersonator’s Roast Set and Freestyle Rap (40:27)

• Dr. Phil (comic impression) delivers a monumental roast set targeting Hans Kim, Rick Diaz, and David Lucas.
• Standout jokes: “Hans looks like he comes to the ad before the porn starts.” (41:43)
• AI joke, meta commentary: “That’s an AI joke. You can Google it. Suck my dick. Dick in my butt.” (44:14)
• Closes with a high-energy freestyle rap for the whole arena: “Gays and Jews are gonna have a good time... Austin is the best, and Hans Kim pays for sex!” (50:30)

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3. Bucket Pulls – The Best (and Worst) of the Would-Be’s & Wannabe’s

• Cameron Tagarud (28:03) – First-time diabetic comic from Minnesota reveals missing toes, ashy knees, and a deadpan oddity-shop life story.
• Jefe Flores (35:46) – Dad jokes about being called “sped” by his daughter; ages himself on stage to comic disbelief.
• Shiva Ari (54:01) – Seasoned but down-on-his-luck comic living in his car, jams on the guitar, gets roasted for both. “You play guitar like a guy that lives in his car.” (64:31)
• Michael Veramontes (131:54) – A brutally awkward, grim bucket set about family incest revealed at a funeral (“Turns out that she was the half brother of my uncle...”), quickly ushered off.

Notable Theme: Even the worst sets are met with roasts, support, and banter, showcasing Kill Tony’s signature blend of brutality and celebration.

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4. Iconic Regular: Brian Holtzman Returns (65:56)

• Delivers an absolutely unhinged, old-school set: “Stop doing men’s shit, bitch. Why you even in the gym lifting weights? Get out of the gym.” (66:14)
• Skewers female sportscasters, gender roles, and women in law enforcement through over-the-top, purposely offensive humor.
• Tony: “I fucking love it. True diabolical edge. The great Brian Holtzman doing what he does best. Shock and awe.” (70:42)

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5. High Emotion — David Lucas’ Hall of Fame Induction (85:09 – 103:36)

• David Lucas returns for a classic set about “bare booty farting” and a rapid-fire roast battle with Tony.
• Tony: “Anytime I’m around you, I feel like a gay Klansman.” (92:15)
• Big announcement: David inducted as the third member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame (after Michael Lehrer and William Montgomery).
• Touching (and hilarious) speech: “You guys have changed my life forever. The support, the fans, the love you guys show at my shows. Make sure you come to a show…” (101:34)
• Emotional but never without a roast: “Only time you lose weight is when a take his dick out of your ass.” (103:14)

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6. Ultimate Showdown: Hans Kim vs. Rick Diaz – The Battle for Regular (133:38–153:32)

Context: Rick Diaz, intense Brussels-based comic/golden ticket winner, challenges Hans Kim for the Regular spot.

The Performances:

• Rick Diaz: Deadpan, tight, punchy one-liners: “I have stopped watching porn. It’s memorized.” (141:12)
• Hans Kim: Quirky, edgy sex jokes with original flips: “A lot of people nowadays say squirting is just pee. I think peeing is just squirting.” (145:26)
• Banter devolves into a mini roast battle; Hans: “Try being yourself, bitch.” (147:13); Rick: “I would rather hallucinate than listen to you.” (147:57)

The Decision:

• Shane Gillis & Matt McCusker weigh in (“Rick’s got the longest forearms I’ve ever seen.” 149:54).
• The crowd votes, and Sugar Sean O’Malley awards the championship belt: Hans Kim retains the Regular spot!

Rick’s Farewell: “Feels all right. I feel like I won tonight, either way. I love Hans either way.” (153:14)

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7. MrBeast’s $10,000 Bucket Pull Giveaway (155:44–160:10)

• Surprise drop-in: MrBeast brings out $10,000 cash, letting the crowd select a bucket comedian to win.
• Winner: Bruce Goban, a dad who split his penis (!) and revealed it to the crowd, wins the crowd and the cash. Paxton, his son, shares the spoils: “We’re going to split this up.” (159:11)
• MrBeast: “Mr. Beast fixes one guy’s [dick].” (159:21)

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8. Arena Proposal – Redban Pops the Question (161:18–166:49)

• Redban’s longtime girlfriend Janice is brought up for a set
• Redban proposes in front of the entire arena (“Will you marry this old … ?” 165:24)
• Janice: “If I ever saw someone propose on Kill Tony, I’d always feel bad for that girl. There is nothing more perfect than this moment.” (166:31)
• Big laughs, real love.

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9. Massive Finale (168:12–end)

• William Montgomery closes with a surrealist set (about J.G. Wentworth, the Gaza Strip, and casinos).
• Announcement: Kill Tony is headed to Madison Square Garden (MSQ) and the LA Kia Forum in 2024. (174:34)
• New Year’s Eve Countdown rolls, then Danny Brown bursts onto stage with an electrifying performance to close out the arena show.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Words can hurt, even kill. Going forward, I intend to donate 50% of everything I make to Black Lives Matter.” – Shane Gillis’ Tony Hinchcliffe impression (06:38)
• “I want that bitch to be dangerous. I’m trying to fuck your ecosystem up.” – Cam Patterson (19:13)
• “I don’t know what a jigaboo is. I can’t even get mad at that word... Let’s put that in Pokemon. I choose you, jigaboo.” – David Jolly (24:09)
• “Let’s do our own special countdown. How does that sound?” – Tony (175:48)
• “This is the best show on planet Earth.” – Bruce Goban, $10k winner (160:05)
• “Only three of [my teeth] is mine.” – Aphrodite (128:14)
• “David Lucas, you look like a limo driver for gay church.” – Tony, in a roast duel (87:04)

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Important Timestamps

• 10:00: Raucous Arena Introduction, Band & Artists announced
• 18:42: Cam Patterson Set
• 24:09: David Jolly Set
• 40:27: Dr. Phil Roast & Freestyle Rap
• 65:56: Brian Holtzman Set
• 85:09: David Lucas Set + Hall of Fame Induction
• 133:38: Hans Kim vs Rick Diaz, Sugar Sean O’Malley Refs
• 141:25: Rick Diaz’s Set
• 144:58: Hans Kim’s Set
• 147:28: Banter/Roast Battle between Rick & Hans
• 150:14: Shane & Matt Commentary, Crowd Vote
• 152:27: Hans Kim crowned Regular
• 155:44: MrBeast $10,000 Giveaway
• 161:18: Redban Proposes to Janice
• 168:12: William Montgomery Set
• 174:34: Madison Square Garden Announcement
• 176:43: Arena NYE Countdown, Danny Brown Live

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Tone & Atmosphere

High-octane, irreverent, and unapologetic. The episode is an epic party as much as a podcast, with each comic trying to outdo the last in energy, absurdity, or heartfelt gratitude. No subject is too taboo, and the night’s comedy is balanced out with real emotion—from David Lucas’ appreciation speech, to Redban’s genuine marriage proposal, to the palpable pride in bringing the show’s punk rock spirit to a sold-out arena.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a quintessential “event” Kill Tony: a wild variety show for those who love standup, raw comedy, and unpredictable live moments. Whether you’re a die-hard fan or a newcomer, it offers a window into why the show has ascended to arena status, with long-running inside jokes, comedic risk-taking, and unforgettable surprises.

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Skip to the Hans Kim vs. Rick Diaz battle (133:38–153:32), MrBeast’s $10,000 moment (155:44), or the tearjerking Hall of Fame induction for David Lucas (85:09) for highlights that distill the episode’s unique magic.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my

[B]

new comedy club in Austin, Texas.

[A]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Back on my standup tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the fully grown tour before this. Vancouver, Portland and Seattle. Your next January 25th, 26th and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California. I do stand up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, St. Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taken some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now@tony hinchcliffe.com this is going to be my last stretch of the standup tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there. So hope to see you. How did you get. How did you get it wrapped up?

[B]

How did you wrap them up back up? Huh? How'd you get them wrapped back up? Do what? How'd you wrap them back up?

[A]

You put the notes in there. And how.

[B]

You.

[A]

Let me say that a little slower. I swear I can't understand you. I swear. I got it.

[B]

It don't matter.

[A]

Who the fuck are you? Why were you trying to give me advice on that shit? Man, these. These motherfuckers paint the weight. So I want, I want, I want. Okay, okay.

[B]

I didn't. I didn't take a.

[A]

Are you mad?

[B]

No, I fucking loved it.

[A]

Okay. I want. Thank you for bringing it up. Thank you. I apologize. I do it to everyone. So maybe I need to stop.

[B]

Yeah, but I never go to stalls.

[A]

You know, we started doing Tony here at Vulcan a couple years ago. This is officially our last scheduled taping here at this venue. Ladies and gentlemen, at the same time, I present to you Tim Dillon and Roseanne Barr. I have to say, this podcast is making me famous.

[B]

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you

[A]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. Let's make some noise. Noise for Jim Norton, Whitney Cummings and Bert Kreischer. Yes, Jim Norton, one of the best in the world. The great Whitney Cummings and the machine, Burt Kreutcher. Hold up.

[B]

One of the Sopranos got something to say. You look like Lizzo dressed like Suge Knight for Halloween.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

Hey, this is Greg coming to you from HCL live at the Moody Theater here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill.

[A]

Tony.

[B]

Give it up for Tony Hansclam. Ten fucking years. Who's ready to party? I'm not retired. Taught it.

[A]

But I like rocks. One of the best of all time. Doug Stanhope, everybody. Joy Hinchcliffe. My mother, everybody. Put your fucking hands together. Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Smith, everybody. Austin Zone, Tom Segura and Joe Rogan. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the nature Boy. Ric Flair, Jeffrey ross, david tell, ladies and gentlemen. And this is stavros halkius, everybody. Oh, fuck yeah, sugar.

[B]

Sean o' malley and joe lips.

[A]

Howie mandel. Oh my God. Ari shafir, mark norman, kurt metzger, post malone and joe rogan. Post malone, meet roast malone.

[B]

What's up, boy? Your ass look like an unemployed crocodile hunter. Nigga,

[A]

No dancing.

[B]

Yeah, at least you're the running man.

[A]

Look, man,

[B]

come on.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Dr. Phil is out of control and I love it.

[B]

He can call me the N word.

[A]

I was just gonna say he could type it out. I hope he does because technically it's not him saying it.

[B]

I've always wanted to meet a white, black gu.

[A]

It.

[B]

Who's got perks in here.

[A]

Shane are doing perks tonight.

[B]

I've never done them, but I'll do

[A]

them with you, dude. Wow. A year and five months down the drain thanks to Christian Shane Gillis here.

[B]

God invented perks.

[A]

That is true. On the. On the eighth day.

[B]

That's why we're sleeping, dude.

[A]

Been working on a Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Would you. Would you like to hear it? I would love to hear your Tony Hinchcliffe impression. Okay, here we go. I've been spending a lot of time thinking about some of the things I've said. And I now realize words can hurt, even kill. Going forward, I intend to donate 50% of everything I make to Black Lives Matter.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you. Yahoo. Woo hoo.

[A]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, you're never gonna believe it, but please rise for your national anthem from Grammy award winning artist and one of the biggest superstars in the world, this is Taylor Swift,

[B]

Whose broad stripes and bright star through the perilous fight O' er the ramparts we watch Were so gallantly streaming in

[A]

the rockets ripple the bombs bursting in

[B]

me Give breath through the night that our flight but still there oh see does the Head star spangled B Yet wee o' er the wind of the V and the wind of the. It. Hey.

[A]

This is Redman coming to you live from an arena here at the HGB

[B]

center in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe.

[A]

Who's ready for the best New Year's Eve ever.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Make so noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Hi

[A]

Yippee do da Day, the number one live podcast ass in the world. Amazing. Holy here in beautiful Austin, Texas. How we feeling tonight, everybody? You ready for this? Here we go. How about one more time for the best goddamn band in the land, everybody. Oh, gee. Band member the great Jet Ski Jesse Johnson on the trumpet. On the trombone, Paul Diemer Everybod

[B]

Michael

[A]

Gonzalez on the drums, the great James Atkins on percussion makes the for Dane on the keyboards. Everybody. Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys. And the great and powerful, powerful D Madness on his bass guitar. Oh, my Lord. Everybody is in position. Make some noise for the great Ryan J. E Belt. Been drawing every episode since the very beginning. Originally from Texas, back for tonight with a blank palette and Austin's own Chris Rogers with a big bright white board of nothing. They draw throughout the episode. Everything is in position. We're pumped before we start tonight's episode. Oh, yeah. Shout out to the red rose, the yellow rose, Connect Mobile Health IV Drips, Austin Security Guard Service, NinjaBuses.com and all of our other amazing sponsors, including the great people over at Gel Blaster. Here's a little bit more from the other sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

[B]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin,

[A]

Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[B]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, your guest tonight. Literally. Literally the most requested guest duo ever in the history of the show, and they've never been on together before. I present to you the best booking I could possibly do. Make some noise for Matt McCusker and Shane Gill. Oh, yeah, baby. Let's fucking go.

[B]

Shane Gillis,

[A]

the shaman.

[B]

Matt McCusker.

[A]

Oh, my God. And here we go.

[B]

Is there a case above us? What the hell?

[A]

Your bucket's behind it. You guys Fucking and excited. Shane Gillis. Welcome back, my friend, Austin Zone. Shane Gillis.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

And Matt McCusker.

[B]

Hey.

[A]

Austin's own Matt McCusker. Two of the best moved here. You guys know what the fuck's up. Matt, it is your first time on the show, but I think you get the gist of it. Ton of people signed up for tonight's show. They're scattered all around the arena. There's also an entire section of them right there. We have that light. We have that crazy comedian light.

[B]

Freaks.

[A]

There they are. Look at them. There's some familiar faces. Look at jolly Mike Eaton up there. There's some celebrities up there. Some ugly ass ass too. Holy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Unbelievable.

[B]

What a bunch of section of rapists.

[A]

Look at the vitamin D deficiency going on up there. Holy. Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That's Red Band's first up of the night. Everybody, mark it on your bingo card. Mark it on your bingo card. We are four minutes into the episode and he has failed at a job in which he's done for ten and a half years. Right in front of you. Biggest episode of our lives. Literally the first button he had to hit. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. But they have to wrap it up after that 60 seconds. And by the way, last night it was a little bit chaotic. Audiences were starting to boo throughout some people's terrible set. That's my recommendation for tonight, is save the booing for the. When the 60 seconds is up, when they're done, and then let's hear you pop in your thoughts and beliefs because it kind of some up. Turns out at 400 out of 8,000, people hate somebody. It kind of everything up anyway. They have to wrap it up after the kitten or they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Who is real tonight, everybody. It's a real thing. He's live in the flesh.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

I have no dildos to throw at him. Normally. I have to throw a dildo to get him away. I shoved them all up my ass.

[B]

That's. That's Joe Rogan.

[A]

No. You know who it actually is? Take off the helmet. Show yourself. Come on. It's not that big of a reveal. It's Enrique Chone.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

Wow, look at the popper. Enrique. Yeah. All right, get back there. There he goes. Enrique Chacone. Okay, we're gonna pre pull a name, right? Yeah, that's on the other side of the arena, section 107. No, they're gonna get them. That's good. We're gonna start the show with a fucking bang. Shall we, everybody? Now, normally, how many of you guys are die hard fans of the show? Okay. All right. So normally, you may know that Normally, we start the show with the great and powerful Hans Kim. But if you're following along, you know that tonight is that fucking night. So we have decided to slide the battle, battle, obviously, between Hans and Rick to a little bit later in the show. But we're gonna start it with a powerful force, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, an absolute sensation. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only Cam Patterson.

[B]

I brought my white bitches. Hell, yeah. We outside, baby. Hell, yeah. I want them to twerk on me, but my dick soft and I ain't want to feel that gummy was worms, so I ain't do that. Well, I do tell y', all, my dick not that big, and that upsets me. I asked my girlfriend all the time, like, hey, baby, do you think my dick is big? And she be like, it's perfect for me?

[A]

I ain't ask you that, bitch.

[B]

That wasn't a goddamn question, dumbass. I don't want it to be perfect. I want that bitch to be dangerous. I'm trying to fuck your ecosystem up. What upset me the most is that's, like, me going, I hate good people. I like dry. Well, that went not the way I was expecting it to go. That's it. The ending was bad, but the beginning was strong with the white.

[A]

Absolutely. No, it was great. Cam Patterson, everybody. Yeah.

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

We outside, baby.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

I love it. Cam, how do you feel tonight?

[B]

I feel great. 7,000 people in front of me. This crazy as. This insane, bro. You know what I mean?

[A]

Rocking a brand new pair of white Nikes.

[B]

Come on. I stole these earlier.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

From a power line.

[A]

Cam. A fantastic, fantastic way to start the show. How does it feel going first instead of in the middle?

[B]

I feel bad for Hans. I like the middle spot. That's easy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? All I want to say ain't real Hans gonna beat the out Rick Diaz.

[A]

Oh, yeah, man. Oh,

[B]

Rick Diaz.

[A]

The betting line. The betting line did change today. Hans is a minus 400 in favor, and it is increased in Han's favor.

[B]

Yeah, man, that ass Rick Diaz, man. He a.

[A]

Hey, I got.

[B]

I got.

[A]

I got. I got a hundred thousand dollars on Hans.

[B]

Oh, Tony let me borrow a hundred thousand dollars real quick.

[A]

I got a million on Hans, so I'll let you borrow it afterwards. Say less.

[B]

Rick Diaz.

[A]

I kill him.

[B]

All right.

[A]

What's that? These people. You're. You're. You're corrupting the vote. It's the audience that decides give a

[B]

damn about that

[A]

Oh, I love it.

[B]

Gang violence. Yeah. Yeah. Just the black vote ruining another election. This crazy. What the.

[A]

That's you up there, buddy.

[B]

Hey, that's insane, bro. Oh, Man, it's like. It's like when I hold my cat up to the mirror, like, can you see yourself? Do you believe this? This crazy.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

I look like I sold Coke in the 80s.

[A]

You do. It is. It is incredible. You look like you look like some kind of ghetto teddy bear. Not exactly sure. Where do you get a jogging suit like that?

[B]

Oh, they would have loved. If I remember what it was called.

[A]

Yeah, I got that today. And I was like, ah, I don't

[B]

know where that from.

[A]

I like it, though, though.

[B]

Send me some more, please.

[A]

They gave it to you for free?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

They ain't know what I was doing today. They had no idea.

[A]

Hell, yeah. I think it's from Rainbow. No, bad one.

[B]

Dumb. It's not from Rainbow. First remark.

[A]

Stupid. Bad as hell.

[B]

They don't like it. They don't like me either right now, so we even right?

[A]

You're doing just fine, Cam. Anything else? What else is going on, man?

[B]

Oh, just running around doing like my mama here. What's up, my. How you doing?

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

Yeah, my mama here. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Is. Is your dad here?

[B]

Nah, he ain't get to make it, but he watching somewhere, and that is

[A]

the blackest thing possible. Your dad comes to all the janky shows that we do on the road, and he misses the arena, which is crazy. Crazy, yeah.

[B]

Is insane, bro.

[A]

Well, look at the camera. Tell them something.

[B]

Hey, what's up, Pop?

[A]

Spill, dog. Oh, that's too easy. I'm gonna pass on that one. I love it, Cam. I love it. We've come so far.

[B]

Yeah. I wouldn't be here without one person. With two people, with three people, four people.

[A]

I got a lot of shout outs, but. Oh, that.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? God, my mama and, you know, my mentor, you know what I'm saying? David Jolly played a big part.

[A]

The great David Jolly. David Jolly. He's out here working somewhere, isn't he? Is David around? David Jolly, you around here? Send him up.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

you guys want 60 seconds from David Jolie? Let's go, David.

[B]

How y' all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico, I think a whole lot of words in the English language got a bad break. Like, some words used to be racist, but they not racist no more because we don't know what the they mean, but they fun words. I think everybody should Be able to use like the word jigaboo. I don't know what the a jigaboo is. I can't even get mad at that word, you know what I mean? That sound like a term of endearment. If I walk out here right now and an old white man walk up to me and say, hey, how you doing today, jigaboo, I'm gonna say, well, jigaboo do you good, sir. Cause I don't know what the fuck it means. You can't hurt me with that word. You know, if you ask me, I think we should put that word in like the kids game or something. And if they like it, we just roll with it. You know what I mean? Like, let's put that in Pokemon. I choose you, jigaboo. Some big black come out crip walking

[A]

and

[B]

throwing gang signs. Hey, y' all shut the up. I got one minute. God damn. Let me finish the joke. So y' all good white people When y' all go to work on Tuesday. And you eat your cheese sandwich.

[A]

Keep going, keep going.

[B]

And you eat your cheese sandwich. Sandwich. I know about the cheese sandwich, Mike. You thought I ain't nobody. Cheese sandwich.

[A]

Oh, Oh. All right, all right, all right, all right, Right. This is chaos. David, how do you feel? That was fantastic.

[B]

Hey, yeah, I feel good. Appreciate that. You feel me.

[A]

You ever perform we outside gang violence?

[B]

Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.

[A]

David, that was a fantastic set. You're absolutely killing it. It is incredible to think that just a couple few years ago in Minneapolis, a police officer at his.

[B]

Boy, you ain't Tony. You ain't. Hell yeah.

[A]

I love you, David Jolly. You guys ever seen anything quite like David Jolly before?

[B]

They're my partners, man. Yeah, I with them boys. I see him all the time. Yeah, yeah. Especially Matt. That's my dog there, man. We like cousins, you feel me? You guys, it's a family thing.

[A]

You don't look alike.

[B]

Yeah, we do. We both like. Yeah, you know, I'm light skinned. Hell yeah. Tell him to pull his pants down. Yeah. Hell yeah, man.

[A]

Well, a great way to get the show started. I love it. David Jolly and Cam Patterson, everybody. And now the bucket begins its fury. Last night. Night. The first bucket pole was a young lady that had never done stand up before and did not prepare whatsoever. She got lit the up. How many of you were here last night? Amazing. Amazing. Well, here we go. Your first bucket bowl of the night from section 107. Roby seat eight. We wrangled up. Oh, it makes some noise for the bucket pool girls tonight. Yellow robe. Hell yeah.

[B]

I love you. I love you.

[A]

Shane is in love.

[B]

I love you. I care about you. Look at I could treat you so well. Come here. Come here.

[A]

Make some noise for your first bucket bowl of the night. Cameron Targarud. Oh, shit.

[B]

In.

[A]

Hey, what the is up Austin? Brian Holtz. Me sold me a shirt in the parking lot, but he didn't have any pants. I drove here from Minnesota, saw a lot of weird signs. I kept seeing watch for ice on bridge. Watch for ice on bridge. Why are there so many Mexicans on the bridge? How's Dayton going? Dayton's weird. There's only two types of girls that are into me. There's the ones that drive a minivan and there's the ones that drive a hearse. Good thing for me they both look the same from the back. They have some key differences. One screams put babies in me. The other one screams, I work at Planned Parenthood. Either way, I'm stuck with one of those fucking baby on board signs. Friends. Still hot with no pants. Thank you.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

What the first time comedian ever. I love it. That was my next question. You're ahead of me on that one. First time a lot of things it seems. What the are you? I'm really weird. I sell oddities for a living. Dead animals, human skulls. I've sold over 50 human skulls.

[B]

Yeah, imagine. For real, Imagine doing heroin and then getting up in front of an arena. This is literally like Jimi Hendrix drinks. Just. Just sells the skulls of his friends after they overdose.

[A]

This is incredible. Why do you have tits? I'm fat.

[B]

Post op Malone. Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. What is that tube for? What is that? I'm diabetic. Oh, God. You are. Are disgusting. And you have extremely ashy knees. For some reason I haven't showered in three days. I drove here. Oh my God. Imagine that after the first two people that were on this stage. The ashy knee diabetic is this guy? Yeah. Would you have guessed that? Mark that on your kill. Tony. Bingo cards. Holy. You look like if Kid Rock and Crack Rock had a baby. Baby. This is amazing. Oh, wow. Holy. So Minnesota, huh? Yeah. You've never done stand up before?

[B]

Never before.

[A]

Then you made the drive for this? Yes. You drove? Yes. What kind of car? A Hans Kim van.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's hooked up. I got a bed. So what do you. You make a living working at this oddity shop? I do. Wow. How much is the attraction of you? Oh, it's my dog. He's not here.

[B]

But your Dog. Did your dog me?

[A]

No, I mean, I'm white. I don't know. Okay.

[B]

You're what?

[A]

White? Yeah.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Hell yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Hell yeah, brother. I know you got a lot wrong with you, but I'll tell you what. You are still white, brother. Never give up, my white brother. No, I'm kidding. Give. Give up.

[A]

So, Cameron, obviously, I was joking.

[B]

For real. Don't give up. Here you go.

[A]

Obviously you were born and raised in Minnesota.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

And you're a fan of the show.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

So you've seen a lot of interviews on this show. What would we be really surprised to know about you? The fact that you work at an oddity store would be my first guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So tell us more about you. What would we be surprised to know? You accidentally revealed that you're diabetic as. Yeah, I got toes missing from being diabetic. Wow. Yeah. That sucks. No, Michael, no. You don't get to queue up. I'll show you. It's up. Is it? All right, show us who gives them. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Wait. Put your foot flat.

[B]

He had a penny to show shoe. A penny came out of his shoe.

[A]

Oh, my God. I did find that penny today.

[B]

Appreciate that.

[A]

That was the. Good luck.

[B]

That's good luck. And now you're here be. You're becoming a superstar.

[A]

Penny. Pick that up.

[B]

No. Was it heads or tails? That's heads. That's heads.

[A]

I literally had a pinky toe removed. Yo, throw that penny in the.

[B]

Throw that penny in the crowd.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I don't know where the penny is. It's right there.

[B]

There. Tend.

[A]

It's a bad guy.

[B]

You got to hang on to that.

[A]

Oh, someone tried to catch it. That's a shocking maneuver. Someone literally jumped up and tried to catch the.

[B]

Yeah, gay guy tried to catch it. He missed. Clearly. Gay guy was. Penalty. Gay guy on the field.

[A]

You have a girlfriend, Cameron? I do, yeah. Where'd you meet her? At a bar, but 10 years ago.

[B]

You're lying.

[A]

You met on Tinder. Reconnected.

[B]

You met her in a tent.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That's what they're calling the methadone clinic now. The bar. Tony. Sorry, sorry. Thought we were allowed to have fun. Dude, I didn't know you guys were gonna be gay. We're not allowed to make fun of dudes for doing heroin anymore. Is this not the United States? Heroin and diabetes is a wild mix. Dude, I love your. I love it. I love what you're up to, dude, for real. I support you 100% are you treating

[A]

your diabetes at all? Sometimes. Seems like you eat a lot of bread.

[B]

Tony, he has ghosts in his knees.

[A]

They don't look good. Like, look at them.

[B]

They're sick. Look at the faces in those knees.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Very good, Red band.

[B]

Thank you, Red band. Don't be mean, dude. This is an epidemic. This is a real life thing that's affecting our entire country and nobody's doing anything about it other than kill Tony, bringing him on stage.

[A]

That's right. That's right.

[B]

Just joking around, dude. You're doing great.

[A]

Thank you, man. Dude, that. That went up first last night. Oh, that grinded my gears so bad. It did. Oh, yeah. Because it Prepare. Okay, first time comedian. Funny, right?

[B]

Obviously.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, be funny. There you go. Thank you, Cameron. You nailed it. Dreams really do come true.

[B]

You did it.

[A]

Assuming sweet success, the diabetic Cameron tagarud our first bucket pull of the night. Hell yeah. That was fucking wild. Okay, you guys having fun yet? It's time for your second bucket poll of the night. Representing section 122, row G. Make some noise for Jefe Flores. Ladies and gentlemen, Jefe Flores. Hef. Oh la la.

[B]

Oh, I'm on Big Tony. I'm finding out I'm not the smart father. I'm dumb. My daughter called me sped the other day. I looked at her like, sped the. Does that mean walked away? Next day I asked her, you need any help for homework? She goes, no, I'm good. I go. She goes, you're sped. And I go, sped. I looked at her like walked away again. I went back to her, I said, what does sped mean? I'm fast. I know I'm fast. She goes, nah. She walks away. I look at her, I go, look, I'm fast. I try to run.

[A]

She goes, nah.

[B]

Means you're retarded. I was. Oh, you might be right. That's my time.

[A]

Oh, you.

[B]

Hell yeah. No, you keep going. Another one you got. You got any more bangers in the chamber

[A]

that suck, dude. Welcome to another episode of Big Tony. Do you know where you're at?

[B]

No, I know. I watch your show all the time. I was just being silly. It was like little throwaway.

[A]

It's crazy. I thought we that that was funny. And then it all went downhill from there. Okay, relax, comedian section. Have you done stand up before?

[B]

My first time.

[A]

What made you choose tonight to start?

[B]

Well, been a big fan of your show for the longest time. That heavy. Hell, not gonna be. No. Put my throat my hand in the bucket. What? Oh, yeah. Throw my name in the bucket. Hey, good call. Told you. She calls me sped.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And how old are you?

[B]

37. You might be. I told you. You're 37. 37.

[A]

You're joking, not lying. Seriously?

[B]

Seriously.

[A]

No.

[B]

Promise. You.

[A]

You have your ID on you? Yes. Let me see that thing. What year were you born?

[B]

86.

[A]

Oh my God. I believe you. Stop. Put it away. Put it away. Put it away. Oh my God. You are the oldest looking 36 year old camera guy, can you zoom in on this guy's demented face? Look at this. Why are you so gray? Yeah, you look like Red Band's grandfather.

[B]

You look the same. Can't say nothing. Did you see a ghost or something?

[A]

Like, what happened? What happened in your life that made you age a tremendous amount? You literally look like Sean Connery bloated right now.

[B]

I've been through some.

[A]

Tell us about it. Big fan of the show.

[B]

Nervous, I bet you. Well, I had a daughter at 23 years old, so time wasn't really. It wasn't really on my. And then just having a kid. God damn, dude.

[A]

Keep going, keep going.

[B]

All these people, dude, tell us your story. Not just wasn't on my. So just had a lot of stress. You just had a. You just were stress, baby. You had a bad life? Yeah, kind of. That's all right. It's gonna turn around. Definitely.

[A]

How about now? Is it still stressful?

[B]

A little bit.

[A]

What's the most stressful part of your life? Just answer honestly right now.

[B]

I take care of my parents.

[A]

Oh, you're Latino.

[B]

Yeah. Latin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How do you guys feel about booing now? Yeah. Boom me now, motherfucker. Well, don't get cocky. Boo.

[A]

Boo. They're going to boo. Here you go. Happy. Congratulations. Your first time doing standard two on the catches tonight. Damn, you caught that like a diabetic trip. Trans dude from Minnesota. There he goes. Hefe, everybody. Well, it's time for one of the special treats. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a minute tonight. You're not gonna believe it, but this man is coming. Fresh off of being awarded the 2023 guest of the year, this is a brand new minute from Your very own Dr. Bill.

[B]

Austin. How we feel? Make some noise if you're having a good time. I know I am. I'm fired up. Clap, you piece of. Thanks for coming out. Happy New Year. I've never done stand up before, so bear with me. Hans Kim has great one liners. I'm just talking about the slits he calls his eyes. All right, what else we got here? Wrote some stuff down okay, Hans Kim looks like if a Scream mask was Asian, I thought that was pretty funny. Also true, which is why it's funny. Hit me with something, Mike. There it is. What else we got? Hans looks like he has genital fried lice. Sounded funnier on the drive over. Moving on. Hans looks like he comes to the ad before the porn starts. I think we've all. We've all done that, Shane. There it is. Okay. Connecting. I'm connecting. Connecting and then creating friendships. Hans, what else? I don't know. I just wrote Hans here ran out of ink. I still haven't forgiven Hans for breaking up the Beatles. I think we all. Yeah. One more time, Mike. Thank you so much. Move on to Rick Diaz. Rick is also here tonight. I can't. Are you guys excited for that showdown, by the way? Good God, I can't wait. Rick. You know, his delivery is so dry. I'm always like, what style of comedy is that? Han's girlfriend's like, what? Why is it so dry? It's got to be a. Is what I mean by that. Rick looks like he has a cerebral palsy light, which means it's all the looks with none of the parking spots. That's funny. Rick, you're so frail. You look like what happens when a woman gets pregnant by Precom. All right, that made me laugh. That was good. I'm a fan of that one. I'll probably say that again to myself tonight. Most people don't know I played college football, but it wasn't that impressive. It was before blacks were allowed in the league, so. Okay, that one split the audience. That's on me. What else? What else? I asked AI to write a joke for me. Do you guys want to hear it? I thought. Because, look, life is all about choices, and sometimes we don't back up the choices we make and we need a little help. So I thought I'd ask AI, and this is what AI came up with. This is AI, not me. Dr. Phil. AI wrote Backstreet Boy. Nick Carter's sister was just found dead only one year after his brother Aaron's death. When asked how he felt about the situation, Nick said, I want it that way. So that's what AI said. That's an AI joke. You can Google it. Suck my dick. Dick and my butt. All right, I wrote that. That wasn't AI. I added that just in case it didn't go over well, but it did. Moving on. David Lucas looks like he with his shirt on to cover his sports bra. That's pretty funny. David Lucas. What Can I say about David Lucas that his downstairs neighbors haven't screamed at their ceiling already? N word. N word. N word. Word. D. David looks like he sniffs a girl's underwear just to see what she ate last. That's funny, Mike. There it is. Right on cue. Mike, a couple more, then I'll go brush my teeth or, I don't know, suck my own dick. All right, what else we got? David looks like a police sketch that was drawn with coal. I think we've all seen what coal is, so we know why that one works. Go. Oh, my God. David looks like his favorite position is front of the buffet line. How am I doing so far?

[A]

Okay,

[B]

I think that's it. Thank you so much. You guys are a lot of fun. Appreciate you.

[A]

Wow. Wow. 4 minutes, 38 seconds of thunder and lightning, riding the wave of last night's guest of the year given to him by the actual Dr. Phil. Shout out to Dr. Phil.

[B]

Shout out to me. That was insane.

[A]

That was.

[B]

Yeah. What a legend. The real Phil.

[A]

Yep. Absolutely incredible. That was an unbelievable set. Dr. Phil, you really, really attacked a lot of the regulars. Absolute incredible performance. How did you practice for this?

[B]

Well, in front of the mirror, but also, I feel like most things that you want to achieve at a high level should be done in front of the mirror, whether it's comedy or racism. You know, I do want to say I. I couldn't have done it without the support of the Kill Tony fans. You guys are maybe the best fans in all of comedy. And I mean that. That's why I say it. And I want to say something real quick. It's an honor to be on this stage for a variety of reasons, but I'm a big fan of sh. Shane and Matt. So one more time for those legends. Shane is a great example of overcoming adversity. SNL said no, but guess what? The people said. Let's go.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Let's. Way to time that out, fellas. That was sweet. Every comedian wants to hit one of those. Let's try it one more time just for good measure. Okay? Okay. Little late. Little late. Little late. We'll get it. 6.

[A]

Dr. Phil, how are you enjoying Austin, Texas?

[B]

Austin's fun. You know, I went to college at Midwestern State. Got my BA there, got my master's at another college. I just fucking forgot. But. Oh, University of North Texas is what it says on my Wikipedia.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Mean green. Who? Mean green. Yep, there it is.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Anybody go to University of North Texas?

[A]

Look.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You losers. That Was a joke. You fell right into our trap, you dumb. Where you going, sir? To get a drink. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wrong way. We're all gonna watch you as you leave. I haven't seen somebody do that move in a while. You know know he did. He gave me that and then he turned it into a beverage and. Oh, okay. Where did that come from? Okay, I do need to tell you the edibles have kicked in, so if you do that again, I'm going to have a seizure salad, by the way. Okay. Little scenario for you. My wife and I, we like to mix it up. Up. Okay. We'll do things a little differently sexually sometimes. Was that you Red band?

[A]

Somebody else has their own sound effects

[B]

in the audience, I think is that guy. That guy hitting his head against one of these rails. That was funny. Yeah, he pro. Yeah, that guy sucks. No, but Robin and I, we. We try to do something different. I'll try to surprise her in the bedroom. I think after 30 plus years, you got to just make it exciting. Right? So now when I come, I play. Give it to me. Ready? Well, I'll show. I'll set it up. So I'll be getting ready to come. And then you hit that. When you feel like I'm. When I'm done, come. Does it. Does this make sense or. Here we go. Oh, fuck yeah. Here we go. Here we go. It's about to happen and it's happening. Okay. We'll probably edit this off the YouTube stream. Happy to be here, Tony. He's by. He's behind.

[A]

Oh, oh. The crowd. You and the band are in sync,

[B]

so it's been a dream of mine. We all have dreams, you know. Tony, before you were a comedian, what was your dream? True passion as a young boy in Youngstown.

[A]

It still is my passion.

[B]

Your real dream. Be honest with me, Ice cream man.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, okay. No, I wanted to be a comedian.

[B]

Let's go. Always from the get go. Yeah, I love that. Well, I want to be a rapper and I've never. I did. And I never thought I'd be up on a stage in the best city in the world with the best comedy fans in the world and have an opportunity to lay down something real quick. Do you guys mind if I freestyle rap and then I'll get the out of here. I'm gonna need a little bit more support than that. Do you mind if I freestyle rap for you?

[A]

Guest of the year, Dr. Phil.

[B]

Out of your seat for me then. Show some goddamn respect. That's what I'm talking about. That's What I'm Talk. Talking about 2023 was fun, but 2024 has just begun. Kill Tony live is the move tonight. Gays and Jews are gonna have a good time. Tony Hinchcliffe created a beast while Brian Redman dealt with his yeast infection Direction election fake news, real booze. We're gonna get fucked up tonight. We're gonna get up tonight. We're gonna drink all the drinks. We're gonna smoke all the smokes. We're gonna get up tonight. You know why? Because Austin is the best. And Hans Kim's pay for sex. Hans loves the pussy. He loves to feed. He loves to crack. And you know what it is. We'll be right back.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God. He's in the zone.

[A]

Oh. Oh, yeah, baby. Holy shit. Wow.

[B]

Thank you so much, Austin. I love you so much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Kill Cody till I die. I love you so much. Oh, Robin, turn on the microwave. I got mashed potatoes in the car. Good night, everybody.

[A]

Holy. Make some noise for Dr. Phil. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Holy Jesus Christ.

[B]

Unbelievable. But that for real? Yeah. That was unbelievable. World class.

[A]

World class. Where's the fall of that? A bucket pole has to follow that, everybody. And this is the first one out of the comedian section. You can light it up. No section, no rows, no seats. Make some noise for your first comedian. Out of the comedians tonight, they go by the name of Shiva Av. Everybody. Shiva Avy. We got movement up there. Oh, here we go. Shiva Avy making his way to the stage.

[B]

Stage.

[A]

Hey, look, it's one of the OG Red Rose girls. The great Kaylee, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. From back in the day. She used to clean the microphone during the pandemic at Antones. They used to think that wiping the microphone was going to help prevent the spread of airborne disease. Everybody. The great people over at Antones, everyone, literally, if you've been there this year, kill yourself. Do me a favor. Absolute virtue signaling garbage people. Except for Gary Clark Jr. He's cool. Makes the noise for Shiva Avy, everybody.

[B]

Hey, a little bit about myself. I am Indian. That's why I got that just waterboarded look. Do we have any Indians here tonight? Never enough billion of us and not a single coming to this show. I like it. I like being Indian. Except for you don't really see a lot of Indian professional sports here. And I blame Nike for that. Nike clothing, you know, because they made those sweatshops in India, which I know sounds harsh, but just hear me out. I'm just saying, guys, imagine being Indian working for Nike and then seeing that Nike slogan day in and day out. Just do it. It's a good joke. Yeah, it's a good joke. Yeah. Because if you don't know the Nike slogan, it's just do it with a period at the then. And what makes that joke just a lecture. Funny is that just takes one more dot. All right, guys.

[A]

Shiva Abu, this is your first time on the show?

[B]

Yes, sir. Yes, Mr. Tony.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Don't do that. Don't. No sirs to Tony. Okay. Okay. You Tony? Yeah. You don't gotta be in uber black mode, dude. Yeah.

[A]

Welcome. How long you been on stand up?

[B]

Eight years. Eight years. Yeah. Dallas. Dallas.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Dallas, Texas. Yeah, I love it. Kind of moved back here, but living out of my car kind of.

[A]

So how does it feel? How's it going?

[B]

I used to do that when I lived in Austin, like 10 years ago. Feels about the same. Say you live. You live it out of your car. Car. Yeah. Yeah, Kind of car. Nissan Sentra. That's. Damn, that's the worst. What you. It's pretty bad. What's your star rating? My star rating? Yeah, for Uber. I don't do it anymore, but it was that. Not. It was. No, it was pretty good. It was pretty good. I got. You don't where you eat. Say again? You don't where you eat. Yeah, definitely. I. I've ate where I shat. That's more my style, you know, I'm talking about nice charcuterie board while you're taking a dump.

[A]

Yeah. Jet ski. Jesse Johnson saying that if he eats where he shits, then he does Uber eats.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. They wouldn't let me around people, so. No, actually I did more Uber driving than the eats. Yeah, that was. Did you actually did Uber drive? Yeah, I think every comic thinks it's going to help them out. And. And yeah. Come on, man. Now. You're right, you're right, you're right. Yeah, it's. It's either this or terrorism, I guess. So we got to pick one.

[A]

What is your ethnicity? Indian.

[B]

Indian. By the way, my name's Shiva. Ari.

[A]

Shiva. Ari.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your eye looks like a B. Yeah,

[B]

it's actually not even my real last name. My real last name is Chaudhary. But, you know, imagine chocolatey. Whatever you say, Mr. Kill. Tony.

[A]

I love it. Way to obey. Goddamn right. And you look like the actual Obey logo. Piece of art.

[B]

Good one. Good one. That was good. Oh,

[A]

you got me.

[B]

No, Pakistan is in the bag. When I grew up, I would be pilot for Pakistan Grape. I totally got what you're saying, man. Yeah. Oh, you couldn't hear Second, you couldn't hear what I said? No, no, I had. It was. It's a YouTube video of Pakistani kids getting fired up. I don't want to do it. Don't make me do it. Do what? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want you to do that. I thought that's what you're trying to make me do. No, no, no. I don't want you to do anything. Don't detonate. I think for real. I think you. I think. I think for real. You were very great and you've been very funny so far. Things for real.

[A]

Where do you park your car at?

[B]

There's a places I get around a lot of east of 7th Street. There's some places go further up. I also live in Dallas, so if things get too hairy. Three hour drive. It's not insane. And you know, I could. I mean, does anyone have a place? Anyone? There's a lot of people here. I could use a job also.

[A]

What, what, what are you qualified in? What could you possibly do? What's your work history? Other than.

[B]

I did a little audio engineering, but it's been mainly stand up for the past eight years. I used to work at a comedy club and stuff like. So. Yeah.

[A]

What club? Hyenas. Oh, I love Hyenas.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, great club. Great club. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

[A]

You probably worked with a guy that once tried to cancel me.

[B]

Pung dung. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

[A]

Is that how you say his name? No one will ever need to know.

[B]

Don't prove him right. Who hit the gum? That was respect. That was a respectful gum. Yeah, yeah, we. We were kind of part of the same class. Yeah, yeah, I was in the basal that. Do you hate him or do you love him? I don't. I hate him. I hate him.

[A]

You coward.

[B]

You sell it. I don't really care. Classic Sino Indian conflict. Say again? Classic Sino Indian conflict. Yeah, yeah. You guys are fighting over the border right now. Yeah. In that case. I don't like them border dude, you know they're fighting each other with like not weapons. The China Indian border. They're like. They're like fight each other with Happy Meal toys. Yeah, well they got like electric tridents that they're stabbing with each other. It's crazy.

[A]

Oh yeah, I got it.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

What were you waiting.

[B]

Jump in. Jump in here.

[A]

I love it. Any special skills or talents before I let you go?

[B]

Other than I can play guitar pretty decent. Or the backing Track?

[A]

I don't know. Really.

[B]

I need a pick, but, like, good eye, sniper. You don't have to. Let's go.

[A]

It's up to Matt Muling.

[B]

Air guitar, Yo. Please, please.

[A]

Do you guys want to see him play guitar? That's a good cheer. But if you don't want to see him play guitar. Boo.

[B]

Nah, that. Let him rip, dude.

[A]

All right, we're.

[B]

Let him shred, dude.

[A]

Let's see if.

[B]

Okay, if.

[A]

Reggie. What the Is he gonna do with his life?

[B]

You better shred red.

[A]

Here he goes. He's loading it up.

[B]

Rip, dude.

[A]

Look at this Bread Zeppelin, everybody. This is incredible. It's amazing. Oh, hell, yeah. That's.

[B]

Melt my face.

[A]

For those of you just listening in the podcast, he's so overweight that the guitar goes up to his chin.

[B]

I'm making do with what I got. Yeah, them, dude. Don't worry about being overweight, dude. You look beautiful. Yeah.

[A]

All right, that's enough chord. Let's see what he has.

[B]

Can I get, like, a backing track? You're like, jam with the band.

[A]

That's.

[B]

That's more what I do. Yeah, I can. Yeah, I get knocked out. Just some. Just something. Just something in, like, A minor. Like that.

[A]

A minor. Enough about your sex life, all right? Come on. Good one.

[B]

Hey, hey. It was. It was two minors.

[A]

Okay? Play the guitar. Turn it up.

[B]

Sing. Sing. You gotta sing.

[A]

Yeah, sing something.

[B]

I don't want to do this anymore. This. Now all.

[A]

You're done. You're done. You're done. The. Out of here,

[B]

you guys. He did good at standup. He did good at standup. Ah,

[A]

the first catch of the night.

[B]

Oh, come on.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Oh, my God. Watch. Yeah, stand there and watch.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[B]

Matt McCuskey. All day.

[A]

All day.

[B]

Sit down, gay guy. Yeah, my bad, My bad. For real, my bad. I couldn't hear myself playing. I know. You left your.

[A]

I was part.

[B]

Yeah, whatever. I suck. No, you. He ripped.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pentatonic minor, blue scale.

[A]

No big deal. Sheba, you play guitar like a guy that lives in his car.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

There's no amp to plug into.

[B]

No, it's just me.

[A]

All right. You're not done. Goodbye, my friend. Shiva Ari, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Shiva Ari. Nasty.

[B]

You're being nasty. You're being a little nasty. I thought he did.

[A]

Well. I can be that way sometimes.

[B]

I don't want you to be.

[A]

I'm gonna be nasty right now because this is one of the newest, controversial characters of the show. Up until last night, I thought Everybody loved him. He talked about meteorologists, female meteorologists, big tits. And two guys in the back of the room started to boo because they love big tits. And he thought that they were booing him because of his set, but he was doing fine. The room turned into a panic. He said you to the whole room and they turned against him. But I'm excited to see a new minute from Truly a guy that's been one of my favorite comedians for 17 years. He used to close the main room of the Cops comedy store. He's a legend. We're lucky to have him. Your favorite comedian's favorite comedian. Make some noises for the great and powerful Brian Holtzman, everybody. Live in a arena. Redemption. Ah, Hell yeah.

[B]

Put it up for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Let her hear it. She could eat all the crackers she wants in bed. I'm not gonna kick her the out of bed. Happy New Year. No, we got a new year coming up. 2024. And I'm just hoping you ladies out there will stay in your lane this year. Stop doing men's shit, bitch. Why are you even in the gym lifting weights? Get out of the gym. You. What are you doing, some kind of vagina push up? Get the out of the gym. You come back in the gym, I'm going to rape you. I'm not gonna rape anybody. I don't even have a knife. But I just. I'm thinking of what's the worst thing I could say to a woman, right, if she comes back in the gym, I guess she wants to be raped. Why do you want to do men? If I have to turn on the television one more time and see some dyke 40ish dyke telling me about the football game, I'm a be with a head. What the do you know about football? They're moving chains. They're up in the booth. They're on the field. Lay on your back and just take it. Get your hair done, get your nails done. Lay on your back and get. What's wrong with that? You want to do everything men want to do. And I'm up to here with it. Get some guy to buy you a house and learn how. Hey, you. Only kidding. I'm just trying to get laughs. You? Yeah. Take me serious. They all want to be police chiefs. Uncle Bob was a police chief. Granddad was a police chief. Grand granddad was a police chief. A whole family of police chiefs. And then some dyke wants to be a police chief that's this high. Where's the police chief? Oh, there she is. You want to be Firemen, we used to measure our dick in the firehouse on Tuesday nights. Potluck, measuring our dicks. And then some fucking dyke wanted to be a firefighter. No more measuring our fucking dick. Go ahead, bitch. Take me serious. You fucking nuts? They want to send women to the moon. They're all busy playing soccer. I got a girlfriend, she won't even walk to 7 11. She's going to go to the fucking moon. And what is she going to do when she gets to the moon? Complain. I'm not getting out of the moon house. It's too cold. I'm not going. What's going on here? There's no shopping on the moon. The worldwide, the worldwide law enforcement worldwide has come up with a new interrogation technique. It's called flat screen interrogation. What they do is they get the person maybe a like that. And they get the person they want information from and they bring in that flat screen TV and they show women's basketball. The person will give you all the information in the world to shut that shit off. Why would you watch women's basketball if you can watch men's basketball? Like going to a whorehouse and jacking off in the lobby.

[A]

Wow. I fucking love it. True diabolical edge. The great Brian Holtzman doing what he does best, Shock and awe. I love it. Brian, do you have like nieces and nephews and stuff? Do you have like kids in your family where it's like, that's my uncle.

[B]

Everybody knows family is overrated. Your little family can fuck itself. You weren't related, you would never hang out with these fucking people. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me?

[A]

Holtzman, how do you feel tonight after tomorrow night or last night's adversarial set?

[B]

Yeah, I wasn't taking any fucking prisoners tonight. Fuck it.

[A]

God damn right. Goddamn right.

[B]

And the new year. If you don't like comedy, just leave it alone. Just leave it the alone.

[A]

Fuck yeah.

[B]

We don't mean what we say, you dumb. We wouldn't be up here if we didn't love you and wanted to fuck your mother.

[A]

You are the fucking man. I love you. Thank you so much for sharing your unbelievable art with me us. Can we see how loud this place can get for one of the all time late night greats, Brian Holtzman? Come on,

[B]

that lady's clapping.

[A]

Ah, he turned it around with her one or over in the end. All right, another bucket pole has to follow another legend. Make some noise for your next comedian, David Perez, ladies and gentlemen, from the comedian section. But I believe they wrangled him maybe. I don't know. We get him already. David Perez. Oh, here he comes down this stairway. David Perez. Oh, no, here's David Perez. Okay, make some noise for David Perez, everybody.

[B]

You definitely not David Perez, Mike. I'm Mike Pack. Is that right? What you said, Mike Pack, or is that the right name? Well, it. Dude, you're here. You got that dumbass shirt to go. I can't hear you.

[A]

Oh, we got them out of order. Okay, what's your name?

[B]

My name's Mike Pack.

[A]

Okay, well, we went out of order. It's okay. We went.

[B]

I'm David Perez.

[A]

Okay. Okay, Mike Pack. Jesus Christ. You'll be next. My producers up. We pre pulled the names.

[B]

What the.

[A]

Out of order. It's okay.

[B]

Come on, guys. You guys got this. Come on, team.

[A]

The white guy tried to steal your job.

[B]

Job.

[A]

Yep. It's okay. We pre pulled names because Mike Pack was from floor one, row E14. So it took a while to get to him. But here you are, ladies and gentlemen. The guy that was actually pulled first. You got to get it in order, guys. Make some noise for David Perez, everybody. Perhaps I it up. By the way, maybe it wasn't the producers. Maybe I that up. So how about one more warm reception for David Perez, everybody?

[B]

Yeah. Heb. Yes. You guys like Bill Gates, right? Well, you know, we just need to get everybody vaccinated as soon as possible, and then my pockets are going to fill up. I'll keep that off the record, Gerald. Okay. What happened with Melinda? Well, you know Melinda, once she found out that I went to Epstein island, you know, she. You know, we had to cross ties.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. That's Bill Gates in an interview.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

I got a rainbow tattoo. You guys like rainbow tattoos? Yeah. What about. What if Bill O'Reilly was Indian? Like an Indian guy, right? He's like, we'll do it live. Don't around. We'll do it live. There's no wills on there. We'll do it live. Okay.

[A]

O, bro, have you done stand up before?

[B]

Two years.

[A]

Two years you've been doing it. Boo this man.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

That's the best minute you could come up with in two years. I do impressions.

[B]

I do impressions.

[A]

You do impressions? Yeah. Let's see an impression.

[B]

Let's see. Do you guys want to see something right tonight? Do you want to see some stuff tonight or not, man?

[A]

Who's that?

[B]

That's Alex Jones.

[A]

Oh, you suck.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

You suck. Here you go, bro. Enjoy the process. I don't know about y', all, but I Think destiny was working. It's working its path. Because ever since I saw his face on that Christmas sweater, I wanted to see our next bucket pool. I know it's going to be compelling no matter what, but I don't think he's ever been on this show before. But this guy looks like he has committed some serious, serious crimes before. He's out of the bucket. Representing floor one, row E. Make some noise for Mike Pack, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Pack. There we go. Bucket pole number five. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody.

[B]

Thank you very much. Is this shirt too soon or we cool? Austin. All right. It's. It's a good shirt because it's. It's true, sad and fashionable all at the same time. Right? Anyway, a little bit about myself. I. I left the satanic culture cult ran by pedophiles after being in it for 25 years. February 2, 2019. I don't know if you guys are familiar with this cult. It's called Hollywood. You ever hear of it? Yeah, I worked there for 25 years as a TV producer. Now I expose it. And I tried to go to a bar in Hollywood recently and it was called Hyde. And they wouldn't let me in because I got, you know, I'm blacklisted. And I said, do you know where the fuck I am? And they go, no. I go, well, neither do I. That's why I'm shopping for therapists. So they gave me a referral, which is nice. So I just moved back to Chicago. I just moved back to Chicago and I moved in with my best friend. We own a 2 flat, he's a Jew and he just came out of the closet. He's being gay. His pronoun is he blue? If you've ever.

[A]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Mike Pack. Mike Pack. Okay, Bear, we got him, we got him. He's done. Bear.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Mike Pack. Have you done stand up before?

[B]

Yeah, I did. It was a long time ago. I used to open up for the late, great Screech from Saved by the Bell. You're No. Yeah.

[A]

You used to open for Screech?

[B]

Yeah. In Chicago? Here and there.

[A]

Wow. How many times did you open for Screech?

[B]

Like four or five times. And then I did some. I used to do audience warm up for the Jenny Jones talk show in Chicago when I was a producer there.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Yeah, so just here and there, but just fill it in.

[A]

I got it. You got producer energies. Are you on full blown Ritalin right now?

[B]

Can't hear you. Are you on some type of methamphetamine? Oh, God, no.

[A]

Are you taking. You take any medicines at all?

[B]

No, just. No, I'm just probably a little nervous maybe.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't take any. No, I don't take any medicines.

[A]

Okay, you're nervous. Very good. And you, When's the last time you did stand up?

[B]

Before that was at 6. It's been a long time.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. That's a long time.

[B]

Yeah, long time.

[A]

That's a really long time. Almost 20 years.

[B]

Yeah, it's been a long time.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

But I'm a huge fan. Huge fan of show. Met you in Milwaukee.

[A]

You met me in Milwaukee?

[B]

Yeah, I think. Do you remember West Hollywood?

[A]

Are you starting?

[B]

You guys. Did you guys neighbors. Did you guys see Neighbors in West Hollywood?

[A]

We were neighbors, yeah.

[B]

Kaido, you worked at the Starbucks by me. And remember that? You worked at The Starbucks.

[A]

Yeah. 2007. You're going.

[B]

You're going Venti.

[A]

Not a large. I used to work at the Starbucks while I was working at the Comedy Store because they used to cut my hours. They wouldn't give me my full package. Hey. Because the Comedy Store didn't make enough money back then. At the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was a different era. In 2007. You go ahead.

[B]

I stopped a big gay queen.

[A]

Go ahead. Whenever you want.

[B]

I stopped a big gay queen from trying to beat you up in a. When you were managing that Starbucks, big gay guy tried to fight you up Milwaukee.

[A]

What?

[B]

I told you about this in Milwaukee. I don't know if you remember.

[A]

You stopped a white.

[B]

What? Some guy was trying to beat you up. What type of guy? What type of guy? A big gay queen at. At. At the Starbucks on. In West Hollywood. You remember we talked about this. Milwaukee.

[A]

No, I don't remember.

[B]

Can you remind me what did you do Is happening? What did you do in Milwaukee?

[A]

My mind about to find out. I literally don't remember. I. No, I'm sorry. Mike Pack. I don't remember talking to you in Milwaukee.

[B]

Don't let him be mean to you now, dude. He's being a. It's just like the guy who sucked Obama's dick. You guys kiss. You guys kiss in Milwaukee. Excuse me. Did you and Tony. Big Tony kiss in Milwaukee? No, I was. I was at his show and I was the only one he called out. I was wearing an American flag out hat. And he called me a.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

He goes, I know that. I know, I know. You wear that American flag hat. You're not hiding anybody. You're not Hiding from it. You're gay.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

And then we hung out a little bit earlier.

[A]

I think I said it funny.

[B]

Funnier way better.

[A]

And you just say, and then we hung out.

[B]

Yeah, we hung out, though. What are you talking about? The hotel? Ask Christy and Yoni. Ask Christy and Yoni.

[A]

Explain to me. Oh, you were waiting in the lobby. You were with somebody that I actually know. Who were you with?

[B]

My gay friend. The gay Jew friend.

[A]

But how do I know? No, how do I know him? Oh, we.

[B]

Well, we met. That we met. He met you that night.

[A]

There's a fucking connection, though. There's a connection here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're not saying a butt connection? Yes, I'm super gay. Thank you, Shane. Yes, I butt this guy.

[B]

Hold on. You don't understand why. This is hilarious.

[A]

Yeah, totally. No, I do.

[B]

All right, so you met Tony in a hotel lobby with your gay friend, and then you guys hung out.

[A]

We hung out in the lobby. How long did we hang out for? Can you give me a 25 minutes?

[B]

25 minutes?

[A]

I hung out with you for 25 minutes, Tom.

[B]

Is that right? Tommy? Gay. Tommy, stand up. Tell him it's.

[A]

Were we with a large group of people?

[B]

Just you, you, I and Tom

[A]

hanging around?

[B]

He was there, tied his shirt.

[A]

What did we do for 20?

[B]

You guys were on suck, Tony.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Now, we were talking about getting out of Hollywood, and I was telling you how I'm exposing it now. Now I'm exposing. So you guys were doing cocaine.

[A]

Come on. In the lobby of a hotel in Milwaukee. Were you staying at that hotel?

[B]

Yeah, I was staying at the hotel. I was just getting a drink down there. And you were. And I came up to you.

[A]

There was a bar. It was at a bar. It was of the hotel.

[B]

We were actually more like in the lobby, but yeah, at the bar.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. Very good. This was a great interview. Great stuff. Unbelievable stuff. I talked to you, Tony. Do you remember talking to me, Tony? We talked. You suck, dude.

[B]

Yeah, you did. I love you guys.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

All right, thank you.

[A]

We have a special treat. Somebody that's ready to do comedy. A legend of the show, ladies and gentlemen. What? What the just happened there? We need a new mic stanone, Custom made for tonight. A one night use only. Yeah, we're gonna get a new one up here. How about make some noise for jet ski, everybody? All right, Here's Yoni, everybody. Look at the great Yoni, making dreams come true. The great and powerful. I hung out with him in a Lobby once in Milwaukee. All right, you guys ready for a special fucking treat? I present to you.

[B]

How is you in Milwaukee?

[A]

Make some noise for former kill Tony regular. The great, the powerful, the one, the only David Lucas. Sam.

[B]

Yeah. I think that that fart with no pants on are gay as hell. Like, why you just out here bare booty farting? What the hell wrong with you? Got your booty vibrating and rumbling. What the. That weird as hell. It's gay. And a lot of people say that's not gay. I'm like, well, technically it is because you just clapped your own cheeks. Like, put some underwear on. Put some pants on. Tony farts with no pants on. That. Tonally actually farts in the shower. He wants it wet. All right, man, that's my time. Thank you.

[A]

David Lucas.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So you're literally not going to believe this. I'm not kidding. I had a extra large protein shake today and went to take a shower and took off my pants and bare booty farted in the. In my own.

[B]

There.

[A]

Red band. Hit it. We have it. We have it. We recorded it. Red band a master of his craft. Craft. That's what it sounded like. Tony, I bare booty farted today.

[B]

Tony, you look like a limo driver for gay.

[A]

You're the one that's stretch black. Let's go. You think you're gonna get me in an arena, dude? You want this? You want this? Oh, look at the focus.

[B]

Look.

[A]

Look at the focus.

[B]

Joker. Bo. Red, man, you look like you just inherited Willy Wonka's factory.

[A]

I wish. And you look like the chocolate factory. Oh, Tony, the focus in his eyes is incredible.

[B]

He's literally.

[A]

I love to see it.

[B]

You're ready, dude. Tony, you work Secret service for sissies. Only trannies get your service. You got a dick and a pussy. Hey, bitch, I got you.

[A]

Yeah, sounds good to me. I'm the gay secret service.

[B]

What's happening, bro? This shit is amazing.

[A]

Make some fucking noise for David Lucas, a legend of the fucking gay game. Second second most sets in the history

[B]

of the show after my brother, William Montgomery.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Who's an absolute fucking legend. Give it up for William. In my opinion, the best kill Tony comedian to ever touch this stage. Matt McCusta. You look like Macaulay Culkin. Grown up nigga. Your ass, your ass out here. 29 with gray hair that crazy as a. You shouldn't have married that black girl. She stressed your ass out. Where the you at? I don't believe in that comedy. You need a real job. Lead them black Women to us like me, bro. You don't need to be with no black girl, bro. You. You don't treat our black weeds right, bro. Huh? You don't treat our black queens right. Right? Matt McCuster and Shane. I love y'. All. Y' all who? I'm glad y' all in Austin. Austin is new comedy capital of the world, baby.

[A]

Goddamn right. And you're a big part of it. One of the first people to move here. David Lucas retired with grace at the 10 year anniversary episode. Gets to do a set anytime he wants. And we have a special video we're going to roll right now. Yep. Let's watch a video. David Lucas. Here we go. Oh, double David Lucas. Oh my goodness. Pound for pound. Worth it twice. Twice the name. And we're back. That was it.

[B]

It Super Sun.

[A]

That was it. God works in mysterious way.

[B]

Why y' all prank me to highlight your highlight tape? Shame. Don't you look like you went to a black church last week and they gave you the ability to walk? Your ass. Get up. You are healed. Get out of that chair. David. I can't stop staring at your magnificent thigh gap. It starts at your knees, you fucking dumbass. Dude, everybody look at his fucking disgusting legs. That's a kneecap.

[A]

It is incredible.

[B]

Looks like his legs grew in a swamp.

[A]

They look like the two sticks that they measure first downs with at a football game.

[B]

I know these three klansmen ain't trying to rouse me, nigga. Don't cause a Klansman, dude. It's a motherfucking compliment. You had a tiki torch four years ago, nigga. Your ass. I don't make me bring it out, dude. It does look like fourth and short. Your legs look like fourth and short, you dumb. Shane, get your albino salamander looking ass up out of here. You want talk skin? Don't make fun of my skin.

[A]

Matt.

[B]

Get your Jason Statham looking ass up out of here. What the wrong with you? You look like the Hamburger Helper. Gloves walking. Dude, get the out of here.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

I love this roast. The out of me. No, no. It's New Year's.

[A]

Goddamn right. And with that said, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

You.

[B]

You gonna pop that at 12 your ass? Absolutely.

[A]

I'm gonna pop it right now.

[B]

Bent over.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Show me what you working with. You was in that little Nas X video.

[A]

I seen you and you're gonna soda pop that. Ladies and gentlemen, the video for David Lucas. Here we go.

[B]

Tony. Boy, you look like a gay Klansman. Put that hood on.

[A]

Wow. Well, I. Basically, anytime I'm around you, I feel like a gay plan.

[B]

Yeah, well, you look like a. You look like a gay gallon of milk. Your ass that full of semen.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Why you put on white? You about to get baptized. They dip that in the water booty first. Boy, put this.

[A]

You're the only. You were the only kid to get baptized with his T shirt still on. Your next comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of David Lucas. Here we go.

[B]

I knew I was from the hood because my mom bought us the hood version of Monopoly, and every space on Monopoly was go to jail. In hood Monopoly, you start off with a light bill in your name. You know, like, damn, I just started playing how the I owe twelve hundred dollars already.

[A]

Hood. Monopoly's fun. That's a fun thing.

[B]

It's a great joke. Yeah, I appreciate it. I like the joke.

[A]

Yeah. And how long you been doing stand up?

[B]

I started when I was a teenager, so, like, nine years.

[A]

I've seen you do quite a lot of roast battles. There was a period in time where you. You were taking on a new person every week upstairs. It was like an open challenge. Congrats on a killer minute. I love that Monopoly, but you nailed it. There he is. David Lucas.

[B]

I was with this one girl who liked to be choked during sex. And, like, we was fucking, and I choked her, and the bitch passed out, and a nigga like me watch Criminal Minds at csi. So I'm like, damn, how I'm gonna throw these niggas off my case? So I took her cell phone, and I sent myself a text like, where you at?

[A]

Boom. That is exactly how it's done. You're wearing a Rocky shirt. Is that because the road is your favorite type of ice cream?

[B]

Look at Tony looking like a nigga that Michael Jackson touched.

[A]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Here we go.

[B]

This your shit. This killed Tony. But right now, it's David fucking Lucas. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

All right, absolutely.

[B]

I need an agent. I need a manager, man.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Stop doing these black comedy.

[A]

To manage what your weight.

[B]

I want to.

[A]

That's it. Stop everything. Ladies and gentlemen, David Lucas has been. Has been absolutely murdering on this show. David Lucas is the new regular on Kale. Tony. He will be joining William Montgomery on a weekly basis. It will be William Montgomery and then David Lucas until one of them pass away.

[B]

Hey, don't Tony look like he do valet at Cheesecake Factory?

[A]

I mean, you would know.

[B]

Know what?

[A]

The valet Guys at cheesecake factories look like.

[B]

Bro, that HIV medicine got you turning red.

[A]

What the going on? Oh, my God. Son of a. Are you wearing a Selena shirt? Because you always get shot with insulin.

[B]

Look like a Christmas wrap dildo.

[A]

All right, all right. How dare you. You look like what Santa puts in the stockings of the bad kids.

[B]

You look like you host a game show called Coming out of the Closet.

[A]

All right, all right. You look like you host a game show called Meal or no Meal. I Love. You're wearing one of Jay Leno's car covers here tonight. This is a beautiful.

[B]

Tony, you look like you drive limos for Gay Stretch.

[A]

Yeah, my limos are more stretched than your skin,

[B]

Miss Hinchcliff. How you feel having a sassy ass daughter?

[A]

You son of a. That shirt looks like a billboard for cool runnings if it was worn by a guy that's never ran before in his life.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

How did you find a belt that's bigger than your waist? Like, how do you have slack?

[B]

How do you have all that slack? It's long enough for you to hang yourself on. Plenty of room.

[A]

You're just jealous that I can hang myself. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Lucas and Luna Lucas, everybody. Oh, my. My God.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Live in the flesh. I'm going to check in with our two year old guest to see what she thought about your set tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Luna Lucas.

[B]

What do you got? Say, baby.

[A]

Bye. Bye.

[B]

I only roast Tony and white guests.

[A]

Why is that? Why do you only roast the white guys?

[B]

Because colored people had it hard enough, man. It's time. Time for y' all to get y' all beaten. From a Joe Derosa. Your forehead identify as a woman. Your forehead got a BBL your ass. Hold this for a second. What is that? Hold this. That's a regular sized book, you fat fuck. Professor Hitchcliffe in this, Burt Kreischer look like he smelled like air freshener and baloney. Boy, get your. Hey, let them see your outfit, bro. Let them see your outfit. You look like a Kansas City Easter Bunny. This. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You look like you take pizzas out the oven with no oven mitt.

[A]

You.

[B]

You look like you're in a gang, but you still read comic books under a blanket with a flashlight. Hey, Tony, he look like he do that thumb trick in front of kids. You know what? That. He'll do that thumb trick. Hey, y' all want to see something cool? When I was in high school, my mom was getting her ged. Nigga

[A]

and now you're getting your kids kfc.

[B]

And tonight you going to get a BBC. Yeah.

[A]

David's so busy on the road that he gets to do a spot on kil Tony anytime he wants in the future. But this is officially his full time retirement party right now. In front of you guys. We did it. We set the record for the most roasting between two people. Hey,

[B]

congratulations. What a run you've made on Kill Tony. I'm proud of you. It's good to be your friend.

[A]

That's right. The third ever. Only the third member ever of the Kiltoni hall of fame. Joining Michael air and William Montgomery, here's Yoni to present you with the third ever hall of fame bucket. The great and powerful David Lucas. We tried to concentrate sec the. The goal was to have the Guinness book of world records give us the title of the two people that have made fun of each other the most. But the people over at Guinness world records are kind of gay. Oh, it's like a black church. He did. David, turn around. Look at this audience. Ah, no, no,

[B]

nothing.

[A]

Tries to. Speech, speech, speech, speech, speech, speech.

[B]

I just want to say thank you for the Kill Tony family, for supporting me. Me and Tony have been roasting each other for numerous amounts of years. You guys have changed my life forever. The support, the fans, the love you guys show at my shows. Make sure you come to a show. DavidLucas comedy.com I got Kansas City, Louisiana. And numerous other cities. Canada. I'm everywhere in town.

[A]

The great city of Canada.

[B]

Oh, man, that's crazy. I just want to thank Tony. Thank Redbad.

[A]

We thank you, my friend. We absolutely love you. You very much earned. Not easy to do to go toe to toe every week. You've taken more roast jokes than anybody in the history of the show. William and Michael Lair, hall of fame members that have always been quite protected. You've literally shown your fucking. Literally your thick skin, you son of a bitch.

[B]

I can still roast even when I'm fucking emotional. You fucking.

[A]

I've never seen you lose this much water weight.

[B]

Only time you lose weight is when a take his dick out of your ass.

[A]

You son of a. Get out of here, you. We love you.

[B]

Hey, I'm surprised you didn't have RuPaul singing the national anthem.

[A]

I tried to get him. I tried to get.

[B]

Yeah, I know you tried to get that. So you can relate to somebody. Hey, man, I love y'. All.

[A]

David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen, the newest and third ever, a very exclusive club, the Kil Tony hall of Fame. One More time for David Lucas, everybody. A legend of the game. Unbelievable. A bucket pole has to follow that, ladies and gentlemen. A normal human being has to follow. We have one of our ring girls coming. Keep this moving. We got a lot to get, too still. You guys have energy left. You guys well rested and ready to bring this thing on down the home stretch. Make some noise for a random bucket pool representing section 115, it's Paxton Goban, everybody. Make some noise for Isabelle from the Yellow Rose. Thank you to Jonathan Joseph, the owner of the red and yellow Rose.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Loyal one more time for Paxton Gobin, everybody. Come on.

[B]

Hey, everybody.

[A]

I'm from Indiana. The boonies Brownstown.

[B]

I had to drive here with my family.

[A]

17 hours all the way down.

[B]

And. Well, first off, I have six, seven other siblings, so my dad's a bit of a man. And.

[A]

And days before we were about to come, he ripped his dick in half.

[B]

Fucking too much.

[A]

And we thought he wasn't gonna make it. Thankfully, he did.

[B]

We made it all here and. Getting to the hotel. We wanted to get some drugs and.

[A]

We wanted to get some drugs, and

[B]

I paid the guys on Telegram and I thought my brother went out to talk to the guy. We get out there, this guy's talking about how many times he's been shot and stabbed and dealing cocaine since he

[A]

was eight in New York. Wasn't the drug dealer.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

There he is. Hey.

[B]

Happy 2023, brother.

[A]

Paxton Gobin. Yeah, I couldn't quite hear. We're having a little audio.

[B]

Do I need to speak closer?

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop talking. Your dad ripped his dick. Is that what you said? Yeah, that's an actual thing. That. That way.

[B]

Split it out. Out. Why?

[A]

There.

[B]

There have been one.

[A]

There's one other surgery that happened like

[B]

him, and he's the second guy that's had. That's had it.

[A]

Jesus Christ. I want to talk to him. Is your dad here? Yeah, they're all. No, he's not. Yeah, they're here. They're here. Are you serious? Where. There's four of us. My old. Did your. Did your dad sign up? Yeah. Are you serious? All right, well, I'm sick of you. Say your dad's name.

[B]

Bruce Goban.

[A]

Bruce Go. Sorry, Paxton. You kind of suck. I want to talk to the old banana split.

[B]

You're telling me a guy's.

[A]

Get his ass up here. Is that him?

[B]

Show us your dick, Bruce.

[A]

Oh, we're going to see his dick. Oh, I'm going to look for stitches with my tongue. My friend's from Milwaukee that I butt fucked in a hotel lobby. You can come up and. All right. You son of a.

[B]

It's not true. It's not true. Let it go. It's not true. Truth.

[A]

Come on. I'm hell bent here. I'm staying in the closet. I want to give a special shout out to our new home club of the comedy mothership. By the way, the great Kerry Mitchell is here somewhere. Okay. Well, well, well, look who it is. Old split Dick Jenkins over here. Did you prepare a minute for tonight?

[B]

Kind of, but he took some of my.

[A]

Oh, look at that. That the apple doesn't fall far from the old split tree over here.

[B]

It was more around than split.

[A]

Wow. It appears as if those section 122 has started a show that dick chant that has spread all the way through the room.

[B]

I don't want to go to jail.

[A]

Are you.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Are you willing to.

[B]

Are you.

[A]

Are you willing to show us your piece?

[B]

Us?

[A]

Stand right here and just show us. Show the table. This way the cameras don't cover it. Yeah, you don't have to look, you homophobe. No, you gotta look at this. I'm gonna make sure you're looking. Oh my God. Hold on. Go back over there. Go back over there. There is an actual bandage wrapped around it. How long ago was the dick split?

[B]

Week. Week ago today. Oh, I was fr.

[A]

I assumed that this was years or months ago. I didn't realize we would.

[B]

It took me like 40 some years to tear the sun up, but I finally did. My God. Yeah, I've never. I've never seen a dick in a cast. That was crazy. Yeah, tell me about. I scared that day. How you. How did you do that? Having sex.

[A]

Come on. Seriously though. Having sex with what?

[B]

What were you having sex with? A hole 5 foot 5?

[A]

Did you face a crocodile? Seriously though, take us step by step. So you're. And then what happens? Don't just say, well, split my dick. Come on, take us through the was.

[B]

And then all of a sudden it was a big pop. Wait, you squirt it. But I'll tell you what, I. I knew I heard it, but I went ahead and finished. Just make sure that it still works. Do you. Do you blame her? Were you like. What are you on your periods? You should have told me you were on your period. I didn't know there was gonna be the most blood of all time.

[A]

How long did you with a split dick?

[B]

Well, took me a few minutes to finish, but yeah. Yeah, probably five minutes.

[A]

So you heard a Pop. You just kept. You didn't look at it. You didn't.

[B]

I looked at it. We checked it out and.

[A]

And then you put it back in.

[B]

And then I put it back.

[A]

Shut the up is the. Hold on a second. Is the woman that you here tonight.

[B]

I left her in Indiana. In Indiana.

[A]

This show is up, man. Hell yeah. Oh my God.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So then what? You go to the. You don't seem like a hospital going guy.

[B]

It took a while. It had to get good and black and hurting before I went.

[A]

How long was that? A couple days.

[B]

Like probably about eight hours.

[A]

Eight hours? Hours. And it was very painful. And you had a black penis? Yes.

[B]

I was sitting in the.

[A]

You seem like the kind of guy that would not like to have a black penis inside of a woman that you're.

[B]

Must have been nice though. It's all right for a minute. Tell you what. I'll tell you what. The colors come back. That thing's a minuscule dong. No, I'm joking. That was. That was about as big as I get. Hard. Yeah, you got a good. Dude, obviously. You've got the IQ of 28. Your dick's huge.

[A]

Yeah, dude. He's got that forest pump. You know what I'm saying? He's got that.

[B]

It did look wet.

[A]

That thing is self lubricating. It is always ready. Matt.

[B]

It's ointment. Yeah, yeah. It's a Neosporin.

[A]

Is that what they gave you? Just regular old.

[B]

Regular old bags of tracing.

[A]

Regular old what?

[B]

Tracing a d. Ointment.

[A]

I don't know what the holy just.

[B]

You know, everybody knows here. Plain old bass tricen. Nobody knows what that is.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

We're not getting wounded like you did your dick expo from getting too hard or did you hit like a divider? How did your dick explode? Was it blunt? How did dick split? Cuz this is important for all of us. Oh, you didn't get that far up in the. Stop it, dude. Oh, you hit. You hit like a bone. Oh, and it bent. Yeah, you hit a dead end. Yeah, dead end. You hit a fork in the road.

[A]

Fork in the road.

[B]

You're the old tailbone. The old median. I don't out un got a snake tongue.

[A]

Unbelievable. Wow, you're so much more interesting than your son.

[B]

You ever think about splitting your dumb son in half?

[A]

Now I'm afraid he'll turn black.

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

Let's is kill Tone. Tony. I'll tell you what, my friend. I didn't hear a joke from you. But you got one of those coming at you and Paxton. You got one of those? There you go, my friends. Get the out of here. Onward we go. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time. You know, we've been through two arena shows and we are yet to see a golden ticket winner. This. This is that moment. One of the great golden ticket winners of the show's history. Hell yeah. Here's the great Heidi to let you know what the fuck is up.

[B]

Heidi. Mommy, I love you. I care about you.

[A]

Shane would like to split his dick inside of you if possible.

[B]

I'll treat you so well, dude, you have no idea.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Unbelievable. I wish I was into women. It would be very exciting.

[B]

Exciting. My bad, dude. Let it go. We were joking around. What happens in Milwaukee? Stage in Milwaukee. What happens in Milwaukee? Stage in Milwaukee. Dude, you're fine.

[A]

What I would do to her.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Jesus. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, he went straight from an appearance on Kilton, was recruited off of Kiltoni by Howie Mandel for America's Got Talent. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Aaron Belial. A girl at a show the other day told me I look like Matt Rock Rife.

[B]

And I actually got offended on his behalf. I look like Matt Rife's twin brother. After an abortion in Canada. Abortion is legal for 24 weeks, but if the baby has down syndrome, it's so much later. You can do it for 24 years.

[A]

And if you make it to 25,

[B]

Walmart offers you a job as a greeter. It's fucked up.

[A]

Right now there's a baby with down

[B]

syndrome crowning in Canada and there's a doctor with a mallet saying, there's still time.

[A]

You can do it right up until

[B]

they can say no when you ask,

[A]

ask, do you want to be aborted?

[B]

That joke was a test to see how fun you guys are going to be.

[A]

If I bomb. Tonight, Tony told me he's going to

[B]

take my green card away and send

[A]

me back to Canada to get a late term abortion. The one and the only Aaron Belial. Ladies and gentlemen, representing Canada tonight, representing Cerebral Palsy and representing the golden ticket winners. How are you, Aaron? Fuck yeah. Good. I bet this is amazing. Never done anything like this before. This is an unbelievable honor. I'm so grateful, Tony. Thank you, Tony. Because of you, you found me. You have great taste, an unbelievable life for talent. Your instincts are absolutely, mind blowingly incredible. You're not gay at all. You're a hot guy. You're a womanizer, a stud and a great human Being polite. Nice.

[B]

You just want me to suck your dick right now.

[A]

How the fuck did you type that that fast? Did you have that preloaded? You son of a. You more crooked than Hillary Clinton. I'll tell you, it's. I'm telling you, I say it.

[B]

Why did I do that?

[A]

Well, Tony, since the last time I

[B]

was on the show, I've been accused

[A]

of being a drug mule and molested

[B]

multiple times by men.

[A]

Welcome to my world. World. Were they in Milwaukee?

[B]

Got. Let it go, dude. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Have you ever been to Milwaukee? No. All right.

[A]

He can barely walky at all. Son of a. Let's go, dude.

[B]

We're doing it.

[A]

Hey, Tony, did you know your mom loves me?

[B]

She's messaging me all the time, telling

[A]

me I'm like the son she never had. You son of a. My mom does message regulars and golden ticket winners and a lot of my friends and me regularly. Yes, Redbam, a lot. What else is going on, Aaron?

[B]

I get recognized a lot more these days. One guy was like, aren't you that retarded guy from Kill Tony? I was like, first of all, we don't use that word. And secondly, his name is Redband.

[A]

Yes. Killing in an arena in the greatest country on planet Earth. I'd imagine this is a real moment for you. What else is going on, Aaron? Tell me more, you hilarious robot.

[B]

Hey, you gotta be sick.

[A]

I got molested again at the Diamond

[B]

Head Mountain hike in Hawaii. I just air dropped the video to red band.

[A]

Thanks, I'll use that later. Was gripping both my ass cheek.

[B]

I got molested again at the Diamond.

[A]

The fan in the back was gripping

[B]

both my ass cheeks so hard, I thought his thumb was going to bust through the back of my shorts.

[A]

Oh. Oh, you went on a little hike.

[B]

Oh, my respect to David Goggins. Yeah.

[A]

Did you come? Who's going to carry the boats?

[B]

Yeah, who's going to carry.

[A]

He's like, don't worry, I'm helping.

[B]

Helping.

[A]

And I'm like, if your thumb pokes

[B]

through, I'm gonna have to use this thing on you. Oh, he would have bit that thing, dude.

[A]

He would have beat the out of you. Yep.

[B]

I fell in a waterfall hiking in Hawaii and I lost my car keys

[A]

and had to hitchhike home.

[B]

It's tough to hitchhike when people think I already got ran over by a car.

[A]

Oh. Oh. It looks like that girl that just got released from prison. That is incredible. I didn't know they were doing a live action version of E.T. this is amazing. Look at the tats you have. You're a little badass on your right side, huh? Huh? Hell yeah. The left is. It's like politics. The right side's cool and the left is crooked and janky. Hey, that's a good. Who loves. Who loves conservatives? All right. Okay.

[B]

You guys are so cool.

[A]

Amazing. Aaron, what I else?

[B]

I heard you tried to join the

[A]

Special Olympics, but even they didn't want you. Apparently being an isn't a disability. Oh, you son of a. All right, the great roaster Aaron Belial here.

[B]

Hold on. Aaron, before the show, you asked if I was going to be mean or nice. Does that mean you had something queued up, you little nasty. Yeah, I know you did. Look at you scrolling.

[A]

Oh, Jesus.

[B]

Look at you scrolling. Don't make me be mean, dude. I don't want to be mean. Mean. All right, let me hear it. Let's see if you're mean. What? I don't want to be mean at all. All right, well, push him. Yeah. Dude, you're gay.

[A]

We are friends.

[B]

We are friends.

[A]

Oh, sounds pretty gay to me. Oh, oh, oh, you have a little fetish, huh?

[B]

Actually, I'll be honest. For real. Yes. We could have sex. You could be the top dude. I want you to put that left hand on my throat. Choke me out, dog. If I get Shane to tickle me, will it turn you on? Matt, are you into porn? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I laughed. What was it? Am I into porn? I cast a wide net, brother. On the Internet? Yeah, it's the only way to catch a lot of fish. You got to cast a wide net, dude. Have we tried porn? Yes.

[A]

Anything else? Aaron.

[B]

Chains fat. It'd be devastating. He'd win.

[A]

I love. Yep. Shane, you were actually my biggest inspiration as a comedian.

[B]

Right up until I found out you weren't. Really?

[A]

Unbelievable. Oh, look at that. Aaron Belial. You've done it again. Absolutely unbelievable. Oh, he's typing. Hold on a second. Hold the horse.

[B]

You got me. When you said inspiration, I was like, you little nasty dude. I be fall on your right side.

[A]

Look at that, Aaron. You got him all bent out of shape now. Look, it's a contagious. It's like airborne or something. Aaron, anything else? You son of a. Jesus. Don't do it for a guy that doesn't talk. He never shuts the up. Let's go type you. What else? Did you just delete it.

[B]

I started a full blown tour across America. I started a full blown tour of across america.

[A]

Mute comedian.com.

[B]

florida in January and right here in Austin and around Texas in February, shooting guns with my claw.

[A]

There you go, Aaron B. Living the American dream. The newest. Well, one of the newest American citizens that there are incredible. We have a. We have a bucket hole. We fucked this up. We did. There it is. Is that not one? Oh, That's hard, too. You know what? I'm gonna do things out of order before we get to our next bucket pool in order to save time while they go grab that person because I up again. Make some noise for a legend of the show. This is Aphrodite, everybody. Doing a minute. Another iconic figure in the history of the show, Aphrodite.

[B]

Hey, praise the Lord, everybody. Praise the Lord for these titties. Hey, praise the Lord that the coochie still works. Hell yeah. Praise the Lord. Everyone. Coochie swee and coochie waves for all of you. Praise the Lord. Happy 2024. You know, I, I, I really believe in taking care of children, so I

[A]

bought me a white baby off the Internet today.

[B]

Yeah, that white baby is always being racist already. I didn't give his ass any milk this morning, so he already hates black

[A]

people, you know, But I want to also say praise the Lord for pastor Hinchcliff up here.

[B]

Yeah. Praise the Lord for pastor Tiny Hitchcliffe. Yes, indeed. You know, ladies, we're way more holy than men are.

[A]

We got more holes.

[B]

Hey, I want to tell you that

[A]

you should always count on your sex organs and not people.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Praise the Lord. Thank you, Aphrodite. Doing a very weird praise the Lord themed thing that didn't really take off here. Okay, Afro, how are you?

[B]

I'm doing fantastic.

[A]

You kind of did like a character up here tonight. That was weird. It's time for something new this year, you know?

[B]

And so I'm just so happy that my ass is real. But I do have some fake teeth. I'm gonna tell you, three of my

[A]

teeth is only mine.

[B]

Only three of them.

[A]

Okay. Afro, did you bump your head since the last time you were on the show or something? Something?

[B]

No, I got some good dick, that's all.

[A]

Okay. All right, what else has been going on? Update us quickly. You know, dick is making good health.

[B]

You didn't have to split it in half, did you? If you're not getting no dick, you sick as.

[A]

There you are. There was a glimpse of the actual Aphrodite there for a second. What else is going on?

[B]

Well, I have a new single coming out with Top shelf brass band.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, it's called Rush the Man.

[A]

Spirit Man, Jack.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

For all you heathens.

[A]

All right. I love it. Anything else?

[B]

Well, I can tell you that, you guys, we love you for all the support you've been giving Kill. Tony, this man is amazing.

[A]

Okay, all right, all right. Afro, you have a song you want to do or something you usually sing? Okay, let's do that. Let's just jump right into it.

[B]

Jamaican funk yeah.

[A]

Turn those keys up, please. Turn them up real loud. Just a little something real quick.

[B]

Let's get some volume on these keys. What's up? Come on. Oh, I feel it in my soul

[A]

Gotta get in the view

[B]

to make it fun that's really wanted is, baby Gotta get in the View. Gotta get in the view Come on, baby Jamaican funk I said that's what it is 20, 24 gotta get in the view oh, oh what you say? I feel it in my song Gotta get in the view all right, all

[A]

right, all right, all right. That was fantastic. Afro.

[B]

D.

[A]

Hey, hey. All right. Afro.

[B]

Afro. Dougie. Afro. Do you know that the blacks are the true Israelites? Do you know that the blacks are the true Israelites? Tell them what I said. Do you know that the blacks are the true Israelites? Man, we ain't no Israelites.

[A]

We mowers. All right. Oh, shit. Okay, Aphrodite. Thank you.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Holy. All right, there she goes. Aphrodite. Put the mic in the mic, Chef. Jesus Christ. We love you, Afro. One more time for Aphrodite, everybody. A real momentum killer there. All right, your next bucket pull. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Michael Veramontes, everybody. Michael Veramontes. Oh, bucket pole number seven.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

that's the great Valerie Vaughn get in the car podcast. Here he is, Michael.

[B]

What is that? What is up, Austin? So I recently found out that my. My dad stole one of my bucket list items. He. His. His stepsister. And the way we found out was actually at my uncle's funeral. She walked in and my dad was like, what's this bitch doing here? Turns out that she was the half brother of my uncle. So now I got a new bucket list. I gotta find a surgeon to put some tentacles on my back.

[A]

Are you done? Jesus Christ. Get the. Get the. Out of here. Get out of here. Put the mic in the mic stand. Get the out of here. Jesus Christ. Wow. Not the best night for bucket pools tonight. Interesting. Well, let's go right to a video. This is the next segment of the show. Right here, right now. This is about. This is what's about to fucking go down. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a little storyline of how we got to this place in the life of Hans Kim and Rick Diaz. We have not announced a new regular on the show in literally.

[B]

Thank you. Oh, yeah.

[A]

It has been years since we made Michael Lehrer a regular. Years since David Lucas, years since William. But anytime one of those three guys can't make it, which is quite often, as you will find out. Would you be willing to be the new regular here on Kiltoni? Yes. I think we should do something that we've never, ever imagined doing in the history of the show, and that is a battle for regular ship.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

So 60 seconds uninterrupted for your next comedian out of the bucket, Rick Diaz. Rick Deez, perhaps, or Diaz. Rick dies. Oh, my goodness gracious. Here he is, everybody. Yeah.

[B]

I was in bed with this lady one time, and out of the blue, she pulls out a pair of cuffs, and she's like, cuff me. I want to feel punished. So I was like. So I cuffed her to me.

[A]

Thank you very much. Oh, fuck.

[B]

I love this guy. Oh, man.

[A]

This guy's dangerous, dude, I'm telling you. I know it when I see it, my friend. You just won a Kiltoni golden ticket here right now, live. It is what it is. Yeah.

[B]

I think that Brussels is letting the rest of the country know, Austin in particular, that you guys got something special happening over there.

[A]

Well, if I judge it by my

[B]

laughs per minute, I think Hans Kim

[A]

would have gotten a run for his money tonight. Whoa. And I would kick Hans Kim's ass.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

I had no idea you were interested in such a thing. But, I mean, you're a golden ticket winner. You have. You have a spot on the show no matter what. But it seems like you.

[B]

I feel like you're protecting him. So are you still trying to protect hands, Kim? Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

What exactly do you want? If you became a regular, you'd have to go back to Brussels. You can't afford to fly me. You want me to fly you every week from Brussels to Austin? I'll fly myself if you can't afford it. What are you talking

[B]

about?

[A]

Oh, my God. What if hor wins and he loses his golden ticket? Whoa. How does that sound to you? Will you put your golden ticket up on the line? And if you beat him on New Year's Eve, you're the new regular, and he's gone. Oh, my God. Oh. You have this Rick Diaz, who, for two weeks, in a row keeps dropping your for no reason. How would you like it if someone came to your job, was like, hey,

[B]

I could do better at your job.

[A]

I challenge you, a guy that I invited into my home.

[B]

These are what Europeans are like.

[A]

Don't turn into this.

[B]

You are American.

[A]

You have a backbone and a spine. Look how pissed he is. Some of you might not be able to see it. Maybe you need to know Hans a little bit better, like I do. But that is his fucking furious face.

[B]

Dude, watch.

[A]

Rick, say something. Say something, Rick. Say anything. Anything at all.

[B]

Hello. Fuck rick diaz. Usa. Usa. Usa. Usa.

[A]

New Year's Eve golden ticket versus Regular Show. Wow. And here. Here we fucking go. The battle we've waited months for. And I present to you a very special guest referee. Who better than the reigning defending UFC bantamweight champion of the world and Die Hard Kill Tony Fan Shrugging Sean o'. Malley. Yeah, baby. Make some noise for Sugar. Sean o'. Malley. What's up, Austin?

[B]

Hey,

[A]

this is real Beef. I had to separate them in the back. This is real. It is real. They've been staying separated. They don't go near each other. Hans pulled Rick Diaz's name off the wall, off of his green room wall, backstage. It is real. Sugar Sean O. Ali Die Hard Fan of KIL Tony never misses an episode, posts about it. Every week spreads the word of the gospel, and tonight, we will see what happens. Sugar is going to be listening to the audience's responses after each of them perform their minutes, and he will decide who is the eternal regular until retirement or who will never perform on the show again. Are you guys ready? Austin, Texas, I know you've been being entertained for about three hours and 20 minutes, but are you ready? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you 60 seconds, uninterrupted from the muscles from Brussels, the one and only Rick Diaz. I went to a club and a lady slipped some pills in my drink. Vitamin D and iron. I almost fell from a building. I wasn't brave enough. I have stopped watching porn. It's memorized. I went to donate blood, and apparently

[B]

you're not supposed to bring it in

[A]

your own plastic bag. I have a little cat, and when I lay down on my couch, he comes and cuddles me. And sometimes he jumps right on my balls. It's so painful. It took me six months to train him. Over the course of a lifetime, the average human being takes 800 million decisions. 800 million decisions. So, of course, we're gonna take a few bad ones. And that's how I get Laid. Thank you very much. All right. A minute seventeen. One minute seventeen seconds. We held back the bear out of respect for a golden ticket winner. I went long on purpose because Hans keeps going short for the last few minutes, months. Oh my God, these guys. What you're seeing is real. Look at the confidence, look at the swagger. I counted about seven or eight punch lines, all landing clean, all good. How do you feel right now? I feel incredibly happy to be here, Austin. Thank you very much. It's a dream come true, I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you, I've had a lot of time to think about this months since this whole thing started. And I fucking admire your courage and your absolute fucking balls to raise the stakes and put your golden ticket on the line. It is incredible. You are the most courageous, non courageous looking person. To be fair, it was Red Band's idea to put the golden ticket on the line. That is true.

[B]

True.

[A]

It was red bands one good idea of 20, 23 and it unbelievable. I really can't believe it. But you followed through. You started talking. Hans went overboard. You went overboard. You guys go back and forth. You two truly do not like one another.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ah,

[A]

look at this. Playing the good guy. I'm a fan of the show. I love it. And we're a fan of you. You are a golden ticket winner. Rick Diaz with a minute 17 seconds, a rock solid set from a golden ticket winner. Why don't you come over here and sit on this stool right here away from the referee. We don't want any funny business business here. Sit right here. And now is the time, ladies and gentlemen, the guy who has started the show for two and a half fucking years. When we found him, he was in his van doing the worst open mics you can fucking imagine. Now he adds shows every weekend, probably almost a million. Oh my God, listen to this arena. 60 seconds uninterrupted. This is Hans Kim.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Yeah, Let's this immigrant up.

[A]

You know, a lot of people nowadays are saying that squirting is just pee.

[B]

That I think peeing is just squirting. I caught my girlfriend squirting in the toilet the other day.

[A]

I was like, you slut

[B]

for a toilet. It's because it's white, isn't it? I think it's crazy that if you a girl good enough, she squirts. That's like if you kiss a dude good enough and he started puking. You know, a lot of women feel safe around me. Hello.

[A]

I don't Think it's because I can

[B]

fight off a rapist, but because I can ruin the vibes of a rape. Oh, you guys are raping right now? Hell yeah, bro. Cool if I chill. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

[A]

One minute, 16 seconds. Almost an exact replica. Time wise. 116 to 117 total. Different, absolutely different comedy styles. Rick Diaz loading up and punching one at a time and you going beat by beat. I technically counted eight or nine moments of laughter in your set. Different types of pops than fucking Rick. Or complex, more intricate and two dimensional 1940s comedy that we progressed past. Try being yourself, bitch. Try being yourself.

[B]

Oh, who are you? I have no clue who you are.

[A]

Are you this character? Are you this two dimensional character? You little bitch.

[B]

Be who you are.

[A]

All these people are themselves.

[B]

They're not a fucking European character.

[A]

Sugar Sean, giving Rick a chance to respond.

[B]

Say it, bro.

[A]

The referee, you. I mean, you failed to say a joke right now you're just insulting me. Yes, it was quite interesting yesterday when you said that your girlfriend couldn't come because she was high on mushrooms. And I was thinking, that makes sense. I would rather. I would rather hallucinate than listen to you. All right, chaos, let's settle it. Sugar, Sean, get in between them over here. Rick, get over there. Let's settle it once and for all. The audience will decide. We've gone with Mexican drum off rules for this. No one comedian, no people. Any word, any commentary from our esteemed panel? Shane Gillis and Matt McCus skirt.

[B]

I mean, no. I don't know. It's going to end one of these guys careers.

[A]

Well, I mean, at least it's going to give them an.

[B]

I don't want to with it, but I don't know, I'm going to have

[A]

to give them one of them in at least an extremely extended break after this.

[B]

Are they competing for a gas station? What are we doing?

[A]

The winner of this, which. It's very weird because Rick lives in Brussels and it's absolutely not in a budget at all. His or anyone's. A fucking $4,000 flight.

[B]

Rick, you currently live in Brussels?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You live there now. All right, well that.

[A]

All right, well, I mean, but that doesn't matter. It is. Whoever fucking wins performs on Kill Tony every week. Fucking a minute. Every single week. And basically, you know, either Rick is going to start to sell out comedy clubs or Hans is going to be doing giant theaters next year. So. Yes, that sticks.

[B]

Honest. Honest vote. Well, I mean, in that one minute,

[A]

I don't know if It's a. All right.

[B]

I mean, I gotta my vote. Do I actually have to.

[A]

I don't, I don't know if you, I, I, I'm looking at this as more of, like, commentary.

[B]

All right, commentary. Rick's got the longest forearms I've ever seen.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

So that's what I'll go with.

[A]

Rick's got long, but who got more

[B]

laughs in that one minute?

[A]

Who do you, who do you think?

[B]

Who do I know? It's not who do I think.

[A]

Yeah, who?

[B]

All right, I guess we'll see. Rick.

[A]

Okay. Shane says rick Diaz, Matt McC Cusker. Things are heating up, ladies and gentlemen. The energy is absolutely.

[B]

It was close. It was very close. But I surely thought the muscles from Brussels brought the heat.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It all comes down to the audience.

[B]

Don't do that, Rick. Don't it up.

[A]

Hans is a man of the people. The third most performances in the history of the show. An incredible story arc we've seen before. Rick Diaz out of nowhere wins a golden ticket immediately first time on the show and goes for regular ship. This is that moment. We'll go in order of of when they performed. This is it. How many of you have Rick Diaz winning this?

[B]

Oh,

[A]

Okay, okay, stop, stop. This is that moment. How many of you have Hans Kim winning? This is on stammer. Oh, my God. That's a championship belt made by the great Bonsai. Sugar Sean, you want to award him? Give them the word. Yeah.

[B]

Gives and new.

[A]

There's a. There's a big championship belt and Bonsai has also made a tiny you lose bracelet. That's a necklace. Necklace. Sugar Shot said. It's a necklace for red even.

[B]

It's a hot topic.

[A]

Wow. And like that chat Rick Diaz, you have lost your golden ticket. How do you feel right now, Sean? Hold it. Hold it for him like Rogan does. Put your arm around him. And how does it feel to lose your golden ticket? Feels all right. I feel like I won tonight. Either way.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

I love this show. Thank you for having me. Thank you for the opportunity. I love Hans either way. Way he thinks I ate it, but I don't. Bye, boring. Go back to your Instagram. Bye.

[B]

Go back to having a chip on your shoulder, bro. I will, Sugar.

[A]

I could have roasted you all night, Sugar. Hit.

[B]

Hit.

[A]

The winner, Hans Kim with it. With the. Yep. And the winner is Hans Kim. And st. Reigning defending regular of kill, Tony Hans camp. How about one more time for the great and powerful Sugar, Sean o' Malley, Rick Diaz and Hans Kim. The people have decided and that. That is that Hans. Any final words? Get a good look. Last time you're going to see him. Ruthless, cold as ice, and loves his rice. The great and powerful Hans Kim. Congratulations, Rick, Sugar, Sean, we love you guys. Thank you so much. Absolutely amazing. Come on, guys, seriously. How about one more time for the great Sugar Sean. O', Malley, why don't you hang out? Hang out with us, Sugar? Sean's gonna join us the rest of the show.

[B]

Tony, I thought that that was close.

[A]

Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. We're gonna keep it moving. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another special treat for you. 60 seconds, uninterrupted it for. Actually, you know what? Let's do something else special. You guys like special treats? How many of you watch the show on YouTube? Make some noise for YouTube, huh? We love them. We have a special treat for you right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you. You, literally the biggest phenom in all of entertainment right now. Make some noise for the king of YouTube, the one and only Mr.

[B]

Beast. Thing on. This thing.

[A]

All right, let's have. Let's have some fun and mix things

[B]

up a little bit. You want to explain what we're doing?

[A]

You want me to tell them? All right, So I brought $10,000 out here, and we're.

[B]

We're going to bring all the bucket

[A]

pools back on stage and let you

[B]

pick which one of them wins.

[A]

10 grand.

[B]

Grand.

[A]

Let's get these back up here, shall we?

[B]

Here, can you hold this mic for a sec?

[A]

Yes, sir. Oh, my God. Holy. All right. I mean, that was a hell of

[B]

a segment to follow up.

[A]

That was intense.

[B]

But, yeah, me and Tony just called yesterday, and here I am.

[A]

Mr. Beast is the man Fan. Also fan of the show. Crazy. Of course, the wide range of in of fans we have here. And here they are. I bet. I bet I know who's gonna take this one, by the way. I got a feeling I know who's gonna win this. Okay, so let's go right through it. How many of you have our first comedian, Cameron Tagarud, here. Oh, that's a lot of noise. Oh, yeah. Why don't. Why doesn't our referee go hand over the head, showing his diabetic tubing? Cameron, looking for the sympathy boat. We're a little bit out of order here, but I'm gonna try my best to remember who was who. How about David Perez? Okay, David's definitely out. Out. Okay, how about Jefe Flores? Hef. Ooh, he is out. Oh, my good Friend from Milwaukee makes some noise.

[B]

Milwaukee's best.

[A]

Who's got Mike Pack? Oh, no chance. Mike Pack. It was a rough night for bucket bulls. How about Paxton Gobin? Uh, oh, well, how about. How about his father? Oh.

[B]

Oh my God.

[A]

Okay, who's got michael veramontes? Who's got shiva ari? Who's got Paxton's Split Dick dad? Mr. Beast.

[B]

I think we got a winner.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, destiny has spoken. Heat of surgery. That is a real $10,000 in a briefcase. You cannot make this up. He would sitting in the stands. Are you going to shoot with your

[B]

son cuz he's while you're up here? Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're going to split this up.

[A]

That's funny.

[B]

I feel kind of bad cuz he was saying he was living out of his car earlier.

[A]

He chose the guy with the broken penis.

[B]

Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast fixes one guy's.

[A]

I love it. He said, are you going to split this? It's a great line, Mr. Beast. You got to hang out more often.

[B]

No, except you're going to get me cancelled. That's why they put me at the very end.

[A]

How about one more time for all your bucket pulls, everybody? Congratulations, P. Paxton, what's your dad's name again? Bruce. Bruce Goban. Congratulations, Bruce, how do you feel? Step up to that mic.

[B]

Hell yeah. It all.

[A]

This is the best show on planet Earth. Mr. Beast, thank you for making that.

[B]

Thanks for having me. So cool.

[A]

All right, you guys get out of here. Bruce, take one more bow in front of these people with your briefcase. That is. Is unbelievable. How cool. Mr. Beast, that is amazing. Thank you for doing this.

[B]

I love it. What's next? Is there anything else?

[A]

I mean, other than another comedian. You want to hang out for it? I'm down. I love it. How about one more time for Mr. Beast.

[B]

Come on, Hershey, just.

[A]

Okay, so one last, one last special treat. This young lady made her debut on the show this year. Prepared 60 seconds for tonight. Really wanted to get up. She said she was going to sign up, but I told her I was just going to give her her a spot. Makes some noise for Red Band's girlfriend of over 10 years, the one and only Janice.

[B]

Men.

[A]

Come on everybody. It's Red Man's real girlfriend. Make some noise.

[B]

Is it just me or are the

[A]

ceilings like way too high in here? Sometimes I can't tell if someone is

[B]

trans or just from the Midwest. I actually see some of you guys out there.

[A]

It's confusing.

[B]

I don't think numerical age is a

[A]

really good indication of Age.

[B]

I think

[A]

spelling ability is better.

[B]

For example, if you know how to

[A]

spell diarrhea without spell check, you're in your 30s. If you know how to spell hemorrhoids,

[B]

you're in your 40s. 40s?

[A]

I've been in my 40s since I was 12. Yeah. You did it. That was great. You did it again. Janice has a 100% than batting average on this show. So likable, well executed, great timing. How's it been going, Janice? Can you say that again? How's it going? It's going good. Okay. Yeah. Absolutely adorable. What do you guys think of Red Band's girlfriend? Any. Anything.

[B]

She's hot.

[A]

Oh, Sugar Sean. Sugar Sean thinks you're hot. Thank you. Sugar Sean, welcome. Hell yeah. We.

[B]

What a. What was it like destroying Rick Diaz earlier?

[A]

I can't believe you guys went against me.

[B]

I'm never going to forget that. What?

[A]

I'll never forget it. You've heard of Hans Kim? This is Kim. Hans love it. I love that Sugar thinks you're hot. You've been sleeping next to a bag of sugar for 10 years. So the switch might be easy.

[B]

Sorry. Sorry. Sugar Sean.

[A]

I like my guys with a little meat on them.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[A]

Queen. Did Mr.

[B]

Beast. Mr. Beast bring you in a briefcase? It's like an ocean's leaven bomb. They snuck you in a brief suitcase. You crawled through an air duct. Just a bomb. No, no, I'm kidding. You didn't bomb. You did really great. Fantastic. I'm joking around, dude. Mr. Beast, Mr.

[A]

Beast, what do you think of Janice's performance?

[B]

I was more curious. How long have you guys been dating?

[A]

Seven years. Seven and a half years. Oh, seven.

[B]

Oh, you guys started dating in the year of the rat. Mr. Beast, how bad you want to bring water to her village?

[A]

Yes. Amazing. Red band.

[B]

You know, I actually, I, I,

[A]

I've been thinking about this.

[B]

Janice, I don't think you need to change anything. I love you.

[A]

Will you marry this old.

[B]

Holy. Oh my God.

[A]

Make some noise for the. They're getting married.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Unbelievably adorable. The great Janice. Come on, you're gonna be the one that has all of his stuff in two years when he has a heart attack. Anyway, so sit right there. Who wants this ring?

[B]

Come on. I'll throw it out right now.

[A]

Janice, how do you feel? You know.

[B]

You know, I've always said that if I ever see someone get proposed to

[A]

on Kill Tony, I'd be like that. Would I feel bad for that girl? There is nothing more perfect than this moment. I Love it. Absolute chaos. Fuck off.

[B]

Get out of here.

[A]

Oh. Oh my God. Well, I think it's only right that we all stay up here. There's only one place to go from here. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kill Tony hall of Famer. The record holder for all time appearances on the show. Literally you heard him be talked about about earlier this episode. I present to you the Tijuana Tornado. The Des Moines Dilemma. The Milwaukee Man Eater. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery.

[B]

That makes me crazy.

[A]

When I say hootie, you say. Okay, let's stop it there. So what? I got a structure settlement from J.G.

[B]

wentworth. How can you tell?

[A]

But seriously. Sorry I'm late. I just tried to be auditioning to be the next Gold Bond spokesperson. They weren't necessarily holding auditions. It just came to me. I can't explain it. I just realized what Goldban needed. The CEO was really surprised to see me. He was like, how did you know my home address? And did you know my security guards are dead? And where's my dog? My dog normally barks. Real quick, what if we gave the people of Gaza casinos. Would. They accept gambling establishments as sort of a truce? On behalf of Israel, I'd like to present to the people of Gaza the Sandcastle Casino run by Chief Plane on fire. Okay, that's my time. Thank you so much. The powerful, the one, the only, the Big Red Machine. William. Lights out. Montgomery.

[B]

How's it going, San Antonio?

[A]

And also, I'm gonna be very honest, it's very awkward up here right now. Mr. Beast owes me a hundred thousand dollars. So it was a whole fucking T shirt deal gone awry. So this was super awkward when I found out your ass was gonna be here.

[B]

Man, Get his ass. What the are you talking about? Not in San Antonio. Dude.

[A]

William, you are on fire tonight. You are in rare form. There is something.

[B]

Oh yeah, you can say that.

[A]

I love it. Where did you get this kind of attire? William Redban. What are you wearing?

[B]

Oh my gosh, no.

[A]

Red band actually gave me a thousand dollar gift card for anthropology for Christmas. But the one stipulation was, was I had five minutes to pick out a outfit. So this is what I got. Maybe next year red band, you can give me 10 minutes. You speaking of red band, I don't. Hey, keep my man's name out your mouth.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

oh. Janice, Janice. Why? You know I can't stand your ass. Janice, why would you even say that? It's New Year's Eve. No, seriously, why would you say that, Janice? I'm trying to have fun tonight. Mr. Beast and I had a fun time up here. Why would you do that, Janice? Does Mr. Beast really owe you $100,000? A hundred thousand dollars? It was some T shirt deal and. Tell them about it. It was in Sacramento. It was in some warehouse district.

[B]

Yeah, in Milwaukee, right? Yeah, Milwaukee.

[A]

Yeah. That's what happens in Milwaukee, stays in Milwaukee. Let me tell you, don't bring that shit up here. Don't be a fucking. I was fucking in the hotel room that night in Milwaukee. You're acting like a real Mike pack right now. Now we were in the lobby. First of all, that's where I have my gay sex, in the lobby. William, we've been through a lot. You have the most appearances and interviews all time on the show. So I think it's only fitting that you stay up here while we roll one more little video package. You know, it was at the. He's already a hall of famer. But anyway, it was at the ACL Live Theater for the 10 year anniversary where we announced that we were doing this show here tonight. And you guys shocked the world by filling this arena so fast that we had to add another show. And the fan base is through the roof and it's out of control. So we'd like to show you where we are going in 2024. Here we go. Roll that beautiful bean footage.

[B]

Oh, sa.

[A]

And also, not to be a downer, but I have six months left to live. There's skin cancer again. So we need you to make it eight months. It's August 10, 2024. Madison Square Garden. A podcast in Madison Square Garden because of crazy motherfuckers with a demented sense of humor like you people. That's nuts, William. That's what's up. So nice to be here tonight. Happy New Year. So yeah, tickets go on sale. Was it the third or the fourth? I didn't fucking. I forgot the eighth. Eighth at 10am Whatever time zone fucking that venue's in. East coast for Madison Square Garden and the west coast, the La Kia Forum. So that's a big deal. Those are the two of the biggest arenas in the country. We love you guys. Congratulations to those of you that bought the stream, that watched that announcement live. That Gonna get your Wi Fi juiced up for January 8th to buy the tickets. And since it's not midnight yet, I figured to end the thing, we'll do our own special countdown. How does that sound? Huh?

[B]

Huh? Where the are you going?

[A]

So let's roll that. Roll it. You guys aren't going to want to leave. By the way. You idiots trying to beat HB center traffic. How are we ever going to get out of Cedar Park? It's a whole freeway. Nobody's on it. Relax, you idiots. Roll the video. Roll the countdown video. Roll it. There we go again. A special shout out to the comedy mothership. Yellow Rose Red Rose connect mobile health ninjabuses.com came through huge for us this weekend. Austin Security guard service is the best in the world. They happen to be here in Austin. And Gel Blaster. 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3.

[B]

1.

[A]

Happy New Year, everybody. And one last special treat. Makes some noise for Austin Zone. Danny Brown, everybody. Where the hell is he? Ladies and gentlemen, Austin Zone and kill. Tony Legend, multiple time guests, super fan, the one and only, Danny Brown. Don't hit it yet. Don't listen to him.

[B]

Yo, yo.

[A]

What's up? What's up, Danny? You want to do it?

[B]

Let's go.

[A]

Let's go. Get up on your feet. Austin, Texas. This is it. We're bringing it home right now. Remember when my first meal was school lunch Now I spent a 16th straight with no punch Remember a banana? All we had was Captain Crunch now

[B]

we blow big blocks on the way

[A]

to brunch Went from goodfella to commissary

[B]

slips But I got back up man

[A]

every time I slept Never ever tripped I just kept on pursuing Teacher always ask me what was I doing Scribbled in my notepad but never did homework Low attention span Cause the Adderalls work rocks on me he'll figure one with the bow Newport kicks way before we even smoke Remember having baby lines Choking when I hit it Nowadays waste a

[B]

whole seven in a sitting Remember back then man we thought we growed up

[A]

Rushing out of kid just to be grown up Hands off

[B]

Whoever thought I'd

[A]

be the greatest growing up Hands up whoever thought I'd be the greatest growing up Hands up Whoever thought I'd be the greatest grown up Hands up Whoever thought I'd be I can eat a pounding shit 64 quarters burned up fire and drown drops of water Santa toa off them beans like Goya going up that fire got me jumping off the sofa Hotter than a hot pocket out the double microwave model Bitches begging just to be a nigga sex slave Italian for my garments like in Thailand made Every time they see me man they wetter than the Everglades Every day same shit me get paid Wake up new bitch me get late Used to bring bottles back now they bring Bottles back Now they see me shining and they looking like a water back Catch a heart attack Newport soft pack never blow

[B]

blum wraps but the blum raps sold

[A]

up Whoever thought I'd be the greatest grown up hands up Whoever thought I'd be the greatest girl may not Hands up Whoever thought I'd be the greatest growing up hands up Whoever thought I'd be the greatest grown man up hands up whoever thought I'd be Make some noise for Danny Brown. The man, the myth, the legend. Make some noise for Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. The newlyweds, Red Baron and Janice Jet Ski Johnson. Paul Diemer, Michael Gonzalez, James Atkins. Here's your paintings from Ryan J. Ebelt and Chris Rogers. Make some fucking noise for D Madness. John D's on the keys. The Great Dane on the keys. Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. Ryan J. What do you got for us? Oh, my God. Chris Rogers on the right. Ryan J with a lot of detail on the left. Fucking unbelievable. We love you guys. Hopefully we'll see you at the Forum in May and Madison Square Garden in August.

[B]

I love you guys.

[A]

Guys, afterparty tonight at poor choices on 6th Street. We. We love you guys to death. You're the truly the best comedy fans on planet earth.

[B]

Love you guys. I love you guys. Dude, I have sex with every every single guy in here. Dude. I love you guys.

[A]

I was thinking the exact same thing. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. One more time for Mr. Beast. Sugar. Sean o', malley, hans kim, cam patterson, aaron belial, aphrodite, matt and shane. Dr. Phil, brian holtzman. All the bucket.

[B]

P.s.

[A]

valerie bond. Yellow rose and red rose. Heidi, isabelle, everybody. We love you guys.

[B]

It. Sa.