#649 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + YANNIS PAPPAS

Summary

Kill Tony #649 – Harland Williams + Yannis Pappas

Date: February 6, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guests: Harland Williams & Yannis Pappas
Regulars/Band: Hans Kim, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery, D Madness (band leader)

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Episode Overview

This high-energy episode of Kill Tony features comedy legends Harland Williams (first appearance) and Yannis Pappas, joining Tony, Redban, and the raucous Austin crowd for the show’s signature mix of stand-up, roasts, silly bits, and behind-the-scenes banter. Tonight’s episode features an explosive and irreverent blend of up-and-coming comics, classic Kill Tony rivalry, and guest sets from Comedy Store royalty, including a memorable performance from Paulie Shore.

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Key Segments & Highlights (with Timestamps)

1. Host & Guest Introduction (03:32)

• Tony Hinchcliffe hypes the show:
  “Two of the best comedians on planet Earth, ladies and gentlemen. From your favorite movies, your favorite podcasts – Harlan Williams and Yannis Pappas!”
• Harland remarks, jokingly:
  “First and last. Last time on the show!” (04:29)

2. Personal Anecdotes & Opening Riffs (04:30 – 06:46)

• Harland Williams shares a darkly comedic story about his father throwing soup at his sister but celebrates she is out of the hospital.
• Yannis riffs in response, joking about his brother’s special needs:
  “He has a brain injury from birth, so it’s hilarious.” (05:21)
• The panel’s signature dark humor is immediately established.

3. Hans Kim’s Set & The Rick Diaz Rivalry (07:52 – 22:38)

Hans Kim’s performance

• Hans, the show’s regular, jokes about his recent breakup and sex life.
• Notable:
  “She broke up with me. I was like, how can you go when you haven’t even come?” (07:56)
• Hosts and guests riff on Hans’s relationship, sex addiction, and podcasting priorities:

  Yannis: “I gotta do this thing for an hour once a week. I don’t know if this is gonna work.” (09:47)

Rick Diaz Rivalry & Rematch Setup (13:08–22:38)

• The controversial result of the previous Hans vs. Rick Diaz battle is discussed.
• Live on stage, Hans challenges Rick for a rematch at the LA Forum; discussion ensues about format and stakes.
• Funny moment: Rick and Hans have a “middle finger off.” (13:47)
• Judges/votes vs. crowd reaction is debated. Rick proposes:
  “I find it interesting that a winner of a competition challenges a loser.” (15:27)
• Will it be 1 or 3 minutes? Stakes escalate with jokes about Rolexes, healthcare, and further rivalry banter.

4. Random Bucket Comics – Highlights & Roasts

(Each new comic: 23:35 onward; only most notable recapped)

Corduroy Xavier (23:35 – 33:49)

• Dark, poetic set about trauma-laced childhood.
• Notable quote:

  Tony: “I didn’t realize they had DJs in hell!” (25:29)

• Hilarious, awkward interview about his music (country trap), veganism, and appearance.

Daniel Zelinka (34:17 – 42:11)

• Jokes about growing up poor, food stamps, and sibling rivalry.
• Harlan (as D Madness) creates running bit, writes “charity checks” for comics who bomb, awarding Daniel an “$800,000” check from Burger King and Apple.
• Dark, real anecdotes about doing meth, drifting, and larceny.
• Tony: “What’s the craziest thing you did while on meth?” (41:09)

Justin Hedrick (43:17 – 49:43)

• Strong set involves blunts, relationship fears, and jokes about trans issues.
• Reveals he lost 85 lbs to go skydiving and proposed to his girlfriend after the jump.
• Hosts praise his stage presence and joke-writing.

Walt Barber (50:27 – 55:28)

• Risky bit about the color of Jesus, followed by a rough, awkward interview.
• Harlan (D Madness): “For you to come out here and talk about color dressed as Barney...” (52:19)
• Walt discusses being a stonemason, small-town roots.

Cam Patterson (Regular spot) (56:07 – 63:02)

• Standout set about “having to masturbate using imagination” when phone breaks.
• “When I was 10, I had to see just two infinity signs, I was like them titties, yeah. That shit hard right there.” (56:23)
• Cam gets playful with the panel about his chain (gift from Sugar Sean O’Malley) and new wardrobe.

Matt Robertson (63:22 – 68:26)

• Set about waiting tables and Michael Jackson lyrics as “confessions.”
• Tony: “Your Michael Jackson joke has probably been done 5,000 times since it happened.” (68:07)
• Banter about his restaurant work and dubious “bump” in his sex life after being on with Tim Dillon.

Zach Hedrick (68:56 – 75:57)

• Alabama/Tampa transplant riffs on dating, bad dirty talk (“I am a sexual predator” joke).
• Headband is his wrestling gimmick; reveals his roommate is regular Heath Cordes, setting up further inside jokes.
• Story about roommate (Heath) now having sex post-arena show notoriety.

Paulie Shore – Celebrity Set & Showstopper (77:53 – 89:49)

• Legendary Comedy Store kid and movie star delivers a raunchy, physical, crowd-pleasing rant on being “gay/straight,” gym machines, and more.
• “That’s not Pauly Shore. That’s a homeless guy with AIDS!” (77:53)
• Memorable moment: Paulie leads a live cover of “Bad to the Bone” with a dancer from a local strip club.
  (89:03 – 89:49)

Priya Blunts (91:19 – 97:47)

• Jokes about Colombian “pink nipple” tattoo services, body image, and trip to Texas.
• Fun, quick-witted crowdwork:

  Tony: “How’d the week go for you?”
  Priya: “It was cute. I did a bunch of shows, did the mic before this, ate barbecue, and fucked a really tall guy.” (92:45-92:59)

• Interview features bits on rolling blunts and parental expectations for Indian kids.

Davey Jackson (98:38 – 106:00)

• Edgy set about “God and Down syndrome butts,” OCD ex-girlfriend, and call-backs to previous pill-dealing stories.
• Joking banter about his previous appearance, being stabbed by a Latina, and Austin’s Latin women.

William Montgomery (Regular/Hall of Famer) (107:08 – 116:43)

• William’s legend continues with a rapid-fire set lampooning current events, gaydar, and more (“I have good gaydar. It’s called AIDS, you idiot.” (108:19)).
• Delivers bizarre, extremely funny tales of doing cocaine with Corduroy Xavier and his “Meatloaf Monster” alter-ego.
• Harlan roasts William’s sweatpants and supposed “huge flaccid penis,” leading to trademark Montgomery bluster and group cackling.

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5. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Harland (on rivalry): “Some things are planned and some things aren’t. That’s just for my own entertainment.” (18:28)
• Giannis (on new comics): “I feel like this is a quarrel between roommates at MIT…” (17:17)
• Tony (to Matt Robertson): “If you say you were on with Tim Dillon again, I’m going to go ballistic.” (66:25)
• D Madness (re: William’s pants): “Nothing says loving like an erection in blue track pants.” (116:04)

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Running Gags and Show Themes

• Harland (as D Madness) writes “charity checks” for comics who bomb; comedic amounts escalate into the millions.
• Kill Tony’s rivalry format: live judgment and crowd participation.
• Comedy Store/90s nostalgia: Paulie Shore, Harland Williams reminisce and poke fun at their film careers.
• Recurring self-deprecating humor: panel and comics repeatedly roast each other’s looks, sets, and backgrounds.
• Celebrity drop-ins: Paulie Shore’s set and song.
• Wild crowd energy: Jokes often interact or build on audience reactions.

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Closing Segment (118:03 – End)

• Tony celebrates the announcement of Kill Tony shows at the LA Forum and Madison Square Garden — signifying the show’s meteoric rise.
• William Montgomery, now beloved, reflects on his wildest days, fan hate, and journey to Hall of Fame status.
• Tony: “When we met Cam, he only wore plain white T-shirts… Now every week it’s a new outfit.” (60:17)
• The band and cast are thanked, and the show closes on plans for future blowout arena shows.

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Summary Takeaway

Episode #649 is classic Kill Tony: unpredictable, hilarious, a little dangerous, and packed with both new faces and comedy industry icons. The chemistry between the hosts, band, regulars, and guests is electric, the crowd is (as always) integral to the show, and the rapid-fire format makes for a night where anything can happen — and usually does.

If you want raunchy jokes, dark storytelling, celebrity drop-ins, and unfiltered comedic chaos, this episode is an essential listen.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every

[Paulie Shore]

episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And don't forget to check out everything

[Paulie Shore]

Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Sam. Hey, this is redbay coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Paulie Shore]

Get up for Tony Henchl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? We're back, motherfuckers. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Ooh la la. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose. Austin Security Guard Service hall, law firm, ninjabuses.com and Connect Mobile Health, which provides IV drips in case you're ever hungover, and michaellaire.threadless.com they're spreading his ashes this week. The late, great Michael Lair. Go buy a T shirt. Represent the great nurse girlfriends out there representing. Carrying on his. There you go. Rest in peace. Michael Lair, former regular, first hall of famer. And how about a hand for the fucking band, huh? Aren't they unbelievable? Stronger than ever. That's the great Raul Vallejo on the trombone, Carlos Sosa on the saxophone. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The bicycle mechanic, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dee's on the keys, and God damn it, D Madness on the bass guit. Holy shit. Do we have an unbelievable episode ready for y' all tonight. But before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

[Priya Blunts]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Doesn't get much more fun than this. Two of the best comedians on planet Earth, ladies and gentlemen. How exciting. From some of your favorite movies, from some of your favorite podcasts, from some of your favorite stand up fucking everything. We got it all here tonight as I present to you the great and powerful Harlan Williams and Giannis Pappas, everybody.

[D Madness]

Oh, shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Harlan motherfucking Williams. Giannis Pappas back in the mix. Giannis, welcome. Giannis, pull out your cell phone. You got some networking to do. While you're here, you son of a bitch. Harlan Williams, first time on the show. We wanted him for ten and a half years. We got him here tonight.

[D Madness]

Just for the record, first and last. Give me a hand. Last time on the. Can I say something real quick before we introduce Yannis Papas? Because I want to say it's a special night for me here tonight. My little sister, about three weeks ago, my father, he has anger issues, and he threw a boiling pot of cauliflower cheddar soup in her face, and she had third degree burns. And I want to say tonight, not only am I doing this, but she's out of the hospital, gang.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, look at that.

[D Madness]

Cauliflower cheese soup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Party time. That's a reason to celebrate. Giannis, how's your sister doing?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, I don't have one. She's okay, but my brother's special needs, and he's still special needs, so it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's also something to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of special needs is he?

[Giannis Pappas]

He has a brain injury from birth, so it's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's real funny. Yeah, I was.

[D Madness]

Nothing a good cauliflower soup could cure. Well,

[Giannis Pappas]

yeah, you can't. You can't fix those burns that he has. They're there forever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they're on the inside.

[Giannis Pappas]

They're. Well, yeah, they're the inside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yeah. Yep. They don't make. There's no cauliflower soup in the world. It's gonna help that one.

[D Madness]

Tell that to Freddy Krueger. Look at that guy. His face looks like someone boiled a nut bag on a holiday in radiator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna have fun tonight. Giannis has done the show a few times. Harland, it's your first time. Other than a few regulars, the write and perform a new minute every week. We have a bucket absolutely filled with. With comedians names. They're hoping to get the opportunity to do 60 seconds on this stage here tonight. And if I pull their name out, they get that, you know, their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, and that just interrupts them. And we start an interview process. I ask them a bunch of questions, and then we do whatever we want. We have some fun.

[D Madness]

If you have any fat comedians, maybe you might want to change this up and get a bucket of chicken.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hello. No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

[D Madness]

I don't have to reach in front of me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there are a lot of. There are a Lot of fat comedians. You're gonna see them here tonight. No doubt about it. But before we get to our first bucket pool of the night, I think it's only right that we start the show the way that we always have. Ladies and gentlemen, this man coming off of an excruciatingly controversial, fucking unbelievably controversial victory in an arena to reclaim his position as a regular. He won. A lot of people are up in arms about it, but we love him. We do. We fucking love him with all of our hearts. We raised him right here like a little pup. He moved from his van to being an all around wild success. You guys know the words. This is Hot Scam.

[D Madness]

This is Hot Skim. Ha.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Hot Skim. Make some noise for Hot Skim.

[Paulie Shore]

This is Hot Scam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Hans Cam. This is Hans Camp. This is Hauntskill.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you.

[Paulie Shore]

It's good to be here.

[Hans Kim]

My girlfriend recently broke up with me. I guess she was a Rick Diaz fan. Yeah, she broke up with me. I was like, how can you go when you haven't even come? It's been about a week since she's broken up with me and I've had sex seven times already. Hell yeah, bro. It was with her all seven times. We were both going through a breakup at the time. A lot of people nowadays are into Californication. I'm more a fan of Louisianal. Thank you, black people. If you don't start being nice to me, I'm gonna start messing up every handshake I do with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, thank you, Hans Kim coming back strong. 60 seconds does it every week. Right back at it. It's all happening. A great set. This is true. Your girlfriend really broke up with you?

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what was the context of this breakup?

[Hans Kim]

I actually broke up with her, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Hans Kim]

I should have done that before the arena. Damn, that was a good set. Fuck. But yeah, it was. I felt like she was very beautiful. And she's not used to being told no. And I'm not used to saying no. So I would just go hang out with her all the time. And I didn't have time for my life and my podcast that I. That I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have time for that,

[Giannis Pappas]

honey. I gotta do this thing for an hour once a week. I don't know if this is gonna work. You know the thing with no script where I just sit down with a

[D Madness]

friend in my underwear?

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't know if I have time to do

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that. Is why you broke up with her? But it doesn't seem like you guys have. Seven times in one week is a lot for a normal couple. We know that you have a wild sex addiction.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah. But really helped our sex life. This breakup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Hans Kim]

I've just been going over every night making sure that she's taking the breakup okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been there so much.

[Hans Kim]

Thoroughly brought us together.

[Giannis Pappas]

Giannis, did you ever make her chant your theme song before you fucked?

[D Madness]

That would be great.

[Giannis Pappas]

This is Hodskin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, man, this is Hodskin.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm sorry. For you. It's more of a like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just from the porn, I assume.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely, absolutely. They have a short radius there of action. Not large pumps at all. Small pumps. Correct, Hans.

[Hans Kim]

Small pumps with tender care in each one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's right.

[D Madness]

If I could add something to this, because I'm here to. I like to mentor young up and comers. And the bit about when you just said your girl broke up with you, and this is take it or leave it. But what I would do is I would tag that up and then a little later on in the set, do a callback. And that's just from me to you. And you can off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your biggest laugh through the set, Hans, acknowledging the Rick Diaz saga, which I loved. You didn't even do that in the arena while battling him, which I thought you would have done. But you acknowledged it during your set. You got a huge laugh because everybody knows about that. When they think of you, they think of him. They think about that. And you, you acknowledged it as here is our first time seeing you and working with you since then. How do you feel about everything?

[Hans Kim]

Oh, I feel just great about it. What a great experience for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let it out. Talk to the people about it. Look at them.

[Hans Kim]

Well, you guys, I'm sorry that I underperformed at the arena. Oh, thank you, sir. This guy's obviously a huge fan of mine, but yes, please get on Reddit. Do you have a Reddit account? All my fans don't have Reddit accounts.

[D Madness]

Well, maybe they should learn to read.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was extremely controversial. Hannah, you. You won that. We let the fans decide. And there was a ridiculously much louder response from you. 100% of the people that were in the arena know that. But it seems as if, though, you went online and said that you felt like you have unfinished business with Rick.

[Hans Kim]

And I like to challenge him comedically. Yeah, I like to have a laugh off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Like a man. Yeah, I'd love to challenge him again. You know, the crowd cheered for me. And then it seems like they changed their mind immediately when they got home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And you said you wanted to do it at the LA Forum?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, why not? It's a cool arena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that. I love that. And did he respond to you?

[D Madness]

I'm sure he did.

[Hans Kim]

Probably something snarky and mean.

[D Madness]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, power outage. It's freezing here. It's freezing. Oh, my God. What? Oh. Oh, my God. There have having a middle finger off right now, ladies and gentlemen. How many of you think Rick has the better middle finger? How many of you think Hans has the better middle finger? It's happened again. It has happened again. Okay, okay, okay. Welcome.

[Hans Kim]

Well, where'd you hide this guy? Any closet ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rick Diaz, a natural entertainer, former golden ticket winner. Hans has challenged you to the LA Forum, to another battle. How do you feel about this? Let's. Is this mic plugged into everything?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans, share the mic. Be a nice guy, Hans.

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Rick Diaz]

What's the question again?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The question is, what do you think about Hans re challenging you at the Forum?

[Rick Diaz]

I mean, I find it interesting that a winner of a competition challenges a loser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

You know, it's a little unheard of and here's history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But here's the way I look at it is that, you know, is that, you know, when the ufc, sometimes it goes to a decision, sometimes it goes to the judge's scorecard. I feel like Hans wants to deliver a clean knockout blow, and I could kind of see why he would do that.

[William Montgomery]

Rick.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah, he failed the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you can admit that the crowd was louder for Hans. You were there.

[Rick Diaz]

I was there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

And the crowd was louder for hands.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Rick Diaz]

And I admit that. And I respect the Kiltoni crowd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Rick Diaz]

And they love this show and I love the.

[Matt Robertson]

The.

[Rick Diaz]

The challenge as it happened. But sure, buddy.

[D Madness]

Oh. Oh, wow. These are tough words coming from Orville Redenbach. Let me finish. Let me finish. Orville Redenbacher and Where's Waldo's bastard rape child.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm.

[Rick Diaz]

I'm still trying to find myself. It's kind of annoying.

[D Madness]

Well, why don't you start with finding your chin? How about that? I can say that cuz I don't have one either. So maybe later me and you can get together and do some adelap happens in the. In the alley there.

[Rick Diaz]

Not having a chin is why he couldn't knock me out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So. Hey, I like that. Absolutely.

[Giannis Pappas]

I feel like this is a quarrel between roommates at MIT or something like that. That's what it looks like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

We scaled up the jerk off sessions. It was. Yeah, it's nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is. Is an incredible rivalry that we have. And, you know, we've had a lot of time since that battle to absorb everything that's happened. So, you know, I've thought about it. The audience being the only vote in that contest was very controversial. So I think the next one, we do three minutes instead of one at the Forum, and I think that me, Red band, and the two judges or the two guests each get a vote, and the audience also gets to vote. So it's five votes.

[Rick Diaz]

Do the guests get a vote?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're very, very big part of your plan here to win over the guests, you mean?

[Rick Diaz]

I didn't have any plan to have guests, you know, to win over the guest. Just the guest said, I won last time. I said I did nothing but say jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's not on me. That is, they gave their opinion that you won. I like both of your styles. Hans is a veteran of the show, gets very angry anytime your name is brought up. The rivalry is real. Hans, I'm sorry to scare you. It was my idea to put Glow in the Dark tape on this stage and have him come out during your interview. Some things are planned and some things aren't. That's just for my own entertainment. And, Hans, how do you feel about this new arrangement? Three minutes. It's a longer fight. Five judges. Do you feel good about it?

[Hans Kim]

Three minutes, and I'm gonna have to do a minute every day, every week up until then?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It doesn't seem fair. Yeah. I mean, people don't give you credit for the minutes that you do.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just call Amy Schumer and ask her writers to help you out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm.

[Giannis Pappas]

She's not going to cast me in her movie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't care.

[Hans Kim]

I mean, three minute. What about. What's. What's wrong with one minute?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good point. Rick, would you prefer one minute or three minutes? I'll let you decide. I don't give a. I mean, one

[Rick Diaz]

minute is a great format for me, so. For sure. I love one minute. I feel like three minutes favors him, but it does.

[D Madness]

It does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It does. Hans hasn't as much because that's how he writes.

[Rick Diaz]

Longer jokes.

[Justin Hedrick]

Yeah.

[Matt Robertson]

So.

[Rick Diaz]

So, you know, I understand that from. That you would want him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to do three minutes.

[D Madness]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Hans just literally goes, let's do three minutes. You don't got to.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah, yeah. No, I. I would say that I would be ready to do a minute a week Easy. And do three minutes in May.

[D Madness]

Don't forget, my friend, you have one advantage over him. Yeah, You've got Benjamin Franklin eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[Rick Diaz]

I also have puppy eyes.

[D Madness]

Well, not really. Maybe if it was hit by a car.

[Hans Kim]

You also have eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Hans doesn't have very much eyes.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

It's making the stare down very difficult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. So it's official. Three minutes versus three minutes. Five judges.

[Rick Diaz]

We agreed on one minute.

[Giannis Pappas]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so is it one minute or three minutes?

[Hans Kim]

I thought he wasn't allowed on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is true. He's not performing. He's not doing a minute right now. This is literally us acknowledging. If you.

[Rick Diaz]

If you put your Rolex up for grabs, I'll let you do three minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, the famous Kim Rolex.

[Hans Kim]

What will you put up for grabs? Your healthcare.

[Rick Diaz]

I already put my golden ticket on

[Hans Kim]

the line, and you lost it, so I can't take it away again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Are you willing to put something up on the line, Rick? Do you have anything that means something to you? Hans's Rolex isn't just a Rolex. It was a gift from Joe Rogan.

[Rick Diaz]

He challenged me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, yeah, he challenged me.

[Rick Diaz]

I already won.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you didn't win. You lost. It's adorable that you keep saying that you lost.

[Rick Diaz]

I don't say that. People keep telling him that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, like, 2, 000 redditors told you that. I hear you.

[Rick Diaz]

And thousands of YouTube comments. And Shane Gillis and Matt McCosker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shane Gillis.

[Giannis Pappas]

Shane Gilkes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shane Gillis.

[Rick Diaz]

I have the accent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have.

[D Madness]

Good sir.

[Rick Diaz]

I have the accent.

[D Madness]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When exactly did you get bit by a vampire? I'm so confused. It's unbelievable.

[Rick Diaz]

Back in the 1800s, where I came out from.

[D Madness]

I don't know what you're worried about. You can win every time as long as you do turtle jokes.

[Rick Diaz]

I look like an uncircumcised turtle.

[D Madness]

I wasn't gonna say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans is stealing D Madness's microphone.

[Hans Kim]

Oh, Rick Diaz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's on at the Forum. One minute or three? You guys decide right now. Rock paper says, should we do two? That's actually a good idea. You guys want to do two? Let's turn on two.

[Hans Kim]

And I'm not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

LA Forum, May 10th. The rematch. Hans Camp versus Rick Diaz. How about a hand for Hans? Cam having the balls to challenge this man again. Where'd the mic stand go? What'd you do with the mic stand, Hans? There you go. Where'd the mic stand? Make some noise for Hans, Kim, everybody. And one more time, back into seclusion. He goes. Rick Diaz. There he goes. Rick Diaz, everybody. Okay. Fun, right? There you go. Okay, make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Corduroy Xavier. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Corduroy Xavier.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Parental audacity was at an all time high in the 1980s. Imagine the sheer boldness of being mad at children for coming home a little bit after street lights come on, as if they had any idea where they were for the entire day. You might give me a moment. After I broke my arm on a BMX bike that got stolen with a chipped tooth that I got for holding up the line to a garden hose after being lightly molested by a youth pastor while listening to DC Talk,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you

[Corduroy Xavier]

might give me a moment before you send me down the spiral staircase into the pitch black basement, proceed to trail me, a drop trowel, grab my ankles while my drunken Vietnam veteran father lays into me with a piece of lumber, and then years later, have the audacity to wonder where my kinks and fetishes come from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Giannis Pappas]

I didn't know it was white supremacist poetry night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was something else. Welcome to the show, Corduroy. Now, you've been on before, back in the Comedy Store days, am I correct?

[D Madness]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long's it been?

[Corduroy Xavier]

It was March 2020.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

March 2020. So right before the pandemic. Absolutely. And were you only on once?

[Corduroy Xavier]

One time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how did that go? It was

[Corduroy Xavier]

disastrous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, worse or better than this set?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Oh, so much worse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was worse than that.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yes, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Now, have you been doing standup? How long have you been doing it?

[Corduroy Xavier]

This will be my next time back after that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you took a break and you only you are exclusive to kill Tony.

[Corduroy Xavier]

100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm all yours. Okay, very good. All right. So what do you do for a living?

[Corduroy Xavier]

I'm a professional dj.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Professional dj?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. I didn't realize they had DJs in hell.

[Corduroy Xavier]

That's where the best music is. So, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. You look like. Oh, God, it is incredible. Where do you dj? Mostly funerals.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Mostly festivals. I travel around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so like, like EDM type of DJ?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yeah, I've been DJing for 33 years. 28 professionally. I play a genre like I play everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Very long.

[Corduroy Xavier]

It's good as long as it's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Corduroy Xavier]

As long as it's good as long as it's like the right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. And yes, Harland, I just didn't.

[D Madness]

Did me an interject here. Just real quick. Have you ever eaten a baby? I'm vegan. You're vegan?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yes.

[D Madness]

All right. A vegetarian baby. Yes, idiot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Only baby carrots for this guy, obviously. Very interesting, Corduroy. You have a real, Real wild look to you. Fingernails painted, metal teeth, a lot of earrings, a very stealthy beard, yet a very nice jacket. Well, well, well dressed. Tell us, what do you do when you're not DJing? Exactly? What types of things are you into? Do you sit at tattoo parlors? Do you.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Outside the window just looking in? No, I just. I just completed a new album since I moved down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A new album?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yes, sir.

[D Madness]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like what. What do you do? You DJ on an album?

[Corduroy Xavier]

No, no, I. I produced a whole new album since I've been in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I made a.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Like a new genre. Dirt road. Country Trap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dirt Road country trap, yes. Is that out there on the Internet?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yeah, it's on SoundCloud under quarter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Xavier, how would we. How would we find that? By putting in this name.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's on 666.com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, You're just typing all of that into the top bar. Soundcloud Quarter. Okay. It worked. Here in a. Sly dog. Look at you. Look at you. Oh, create an account. I already have an account. Red band. Very good. Okay, while he's looking that up, what's your love life like? What are you into exactly? You look like the type of guy that absolutely just like, rubber balls like that. Like, I don't know.

[D Madness]

I took.

[Corduroy Xavier]

I took time off since I got here. I made, like, all these rules for myself, like, no alcohol, no drugs, no gluten, no sugar, no sex, no dating for six months, no distractions, and no

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

distractions from murdering people.

[Corduroy Xavier]

100%.

[D Madness]

What about no Sephora? A man's got to live. I just. I caught your eyes, Shadow, and I had to say, what is that? Kat Von D's Date Rape? What is that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A hard no from Corduroy Xavier, he genuinely answered that question. Like it could have been Kat Von D's Date Rape. Is this you?

[Matt Robertson]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Okay, that's good music. You could tell because the artist is a different artist than his name. You go back to SoundCloud, go into that search bar there. There you go. And then type in his name. Okay. Okay. There's a lot of. A lot of hats to wear on this show. So, Corduroy. So you've set all these limits for yourself. What do you think you're going to be most excited to do at the end of the six months. Fuck. Okay. And what type of thing are you going to fucking.

[Paulie Shore]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you into? Is this you?

[Corduroy Xavier]

This is me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh. Oh, here we are. This is a little bit of. Through a Sea of Melancholy by Corduroy Xavier.

[D Madness]

Ooh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh. A lot of bass. Oh. Oh, yeah. You murder people to this? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, for sure. So they're chained up when they hear this. They're chained up. They're in a chair, right? This is like a candle. And they're coming to. They're all drugged up. Keep it up. But you're not in the room yet. You're not in the room. They just see a candle on a table. They're very disoriented. They're picturing some terrible thing happening in them. They, at this point they're noticing that they're. That they're stuck to the chair. And then their worst nightmare. Walk it. That's some interesting music you got there, Cor.

[Corduroy Xavier]

That was just an intro. That was just an intro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's fast forward to the middle here. Turn it up and fast forward so that it. That's the other direction. This is three minutes into the song. Out of a five minute song. Okay, still warming up a little bit. Maybe let's. Let's do another track. That's 4 minutes and 20 seconds into a 4 minute.

[Corduroy Xavier]

The album is 16 tracks long. That's just like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so let's go to the middle of the album. Those are the top tracks. Oh, the top tracks. Okay, Corduroy, does it speed up a little bit? Oh, you're about to die, Rand Loops. Okay, that's enough. That's enough.

[Giannis Pappas]

Where does the country come in?

[D Madness]

There's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was.

[Corduroy Xavier]

I I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go to another track. What's the name of the album? Is it circular? Yes, sir. Okay, go to circular. Bottom left. No, bottom left.

[William Montgomery]

Play this song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not the top. Go to the middle of the album. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. These are fucking. I will. God damn it. Jesus fucking Christ. Dude.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Wait. Play this song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This one?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Now we fucked it up the last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, this is another slow song. This one. No, no, no, no.

[Zach Hedrick]

Go up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Up into the junkyard. You like this one? No. You don't even like your own music, Austin.

[Corduroy Xavier]

No, I was just trying to give the country trap. Go up green has a black woman's face on there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Jesus Christ. Woo D. Madness. Begging for mercy over here. He can only hear, so you know, I Bet people love you at the music festivals because they're like, this guy looks crazy, dude. And I bet the music goes good with your look, but when we're just listening to it, the music just sounds

[Giannis Pappas]

like he's testing the instruments for the music festival to start.

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Can I ask what the tattoo is on your hand there, my friend? What's that? Well, what is Lord Euros?

[Corduroy Xavier]

It literally says my name. Corduroy.

[Giannis Pappas]

Corduroy.

[D Madness]

Okay.

[Corduroy Xavier]

So like, when I check into hotels and stuff, I'm like, Quarter Xavier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then.

[Corduroy Xavier]

And you see him go for the sea, and then they freeze because they've never had to spell that word once in their life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People have a problem with the or part of corduroy.

[Corduroy Xavier]

A lot of vowels get put in there. You'd be surprised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'm just like, those are bad hotels.

[Corduroy Xavier]

But they never forget. I get it once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And corduroy. I'm gonna go with. What do they guess? A or I?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Oh, just so many. Wow.

[D Madness]

For half the money, you just could have got freaked.

[Corduroy Xavier]

But then I'd have to put it on my. It's five letters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool.

[D Madness]

Do you do any massaging? Because I'd love to have your blueberry picking fingers all over my body.

[Corduroy Xavier]

You can find me very easy in this town. Yeah, I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Corduroy Xavier]

Deep tissue.

[D Madness]

Deep tissue. Deep. Yeah, Something about suck my scapula. How about that?

[Corduroy Xavier]

That was actually my catch phrase.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Corduroy. Throw that mic back in the mic. Stand there. This interview went a lot longer than it probably should have. Fantastic little joke book worthy. Way to get it started. The bucket pulls, ladies and gentlemen, one of the wilder parts of the show. And we move on. Giannis.

[Giannis Pappas]

I had to watch him leave the whole way.

[D Madness]

I didn't want him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I didn't feel comfortable with him behind me at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. He leaves a bright eyeshadow everywhere he goes. All right, pulling another name out of the bucket. We're gonna keep it moving along. Here we go. Daniel Zelinka, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Daniel Zelinka. Here we go.

[Daniel Zelinka]

I'm white trash. I grew up with food stamps. Did anyone else go with the food stamps? Losers? No. I don't know. I feel like you always have a struggle snack if you're on food stamps. Like, my favorite struggle snack was Hope. Like, damn, I hope this shit gets better. The food stamps would hit on the first of the month, so for the first two weeks, it was great. We had Pepsi's, hot Cheetos, Fruit Roll, ups. But then by week three, all that shit was gone. So we'd be surviving off of ramen and hot dogs. And then week four was like the Hunger Games. Me and my sister would be shooting each other with arrows, trying to eat the other one. And that's the difference between white trash and rednecks, because rednecks try to eat their sisters out in other ways.

[Paulie Shore]

All right,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daniel Zelinka. Pretty much just describing what, what it's like being poor. No real punch up there at all whatsoever. Week by week, the food selection gets worse and worse. How long have you been doing standup?

[Daniel Zelinka]

Eight months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight months. Where at?

[Daniel Zelinka]

Here in Austin. I moved here from Oregon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay. So how's that been going for you? Is that your best minute? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And that usually works places.

[William Montgomery]

Damn.

[Daniel Zelinka]

Yeah, it seems to work pretty well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You perform mostly in front of comedians though.

[Daniel Zelinka]

Yeah, open mics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Huh. And they're laughing at you because you were hungry?

[Daniel Zelinka]

Yeah, I mean, comedians usually laugh at each other.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. They're like, hahaha, you were. You were hungry.

[Daniel Zelinka]

They're like, you loser, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But it appears as if, though, you found food recently. How do you, how do you make a living, Daniel?

[Daniel Zelinka]

I'm in sales. I work for a phone carrier selling phones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Daniel Zelinka]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. I did keep coming very close to sad music here.

[D Madness]

Damn.

[Daniel Zelinka]

Now I did construction my whole life and then I moved out here. I started working in the heat and I was like that. I'm going to go into something easier.

[D Madness]

You ever think of constructing a joke?

[Daniel Zelinka]

I know that's right.

[D Madness]

I. Can I do something here? This might be a little. I. I have a charity called the Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away. And we, some of you know about it. And what we do is we, we help children with cinnamon allergies and we have a foundation. And when I see. I brought my checkbook here today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. That's an actual checkbook.

[D Madness]

And when we see young comics struggling almost to the point of suicide, Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away would like to write a check to help this young fella on his way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he's writing out an actual check

[D Madness]

collaboration with Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away. And I haven't confirmed with. With them yet, but the Burger King Corporation, we'd like to give you $300,000.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Burger King.

[D Madness]

Mostly Burger King, but some of it Cinnamon angels. Maybe the four or five dollars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

300.

[D Madness]

Take that and be on your way, you fucking whore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There you go. Actually amazing. $300,000,000 just given to you by the Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away.

[D Madness]

And Burger King we Haven't confirmed it with them yet, but they have a lot of money, so we're gonna be talking to them. And team, team Burger King will probably get in on it with all their employees. The zit faced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. To think you went from Hope to Pepsi to hot dogs to Ramen to Burger King. $300,000. How do you feel right now?

[Daniel Zelinka]

Looks like I'm moving up in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely. And what is it? Can you describe exactly what it says there on that track?

[Daniel Zelinka]

$300,000 with no name or nothing else.

[D Madness]

If you take it to Burger King, you'll get free fries.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing.

[D Madness]

Sit down immediately. We're trying to. To do a show.

[Daniel Zelinka]

Harlan, you're one of my favorite comics, so this actually means a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's trying to get you to autograph the chat.

[D Madness]

You know what? I'm going to do one better. I'm going to do one better. You keep that one. I'm going to do one better. Cinnamon angels fly, fly away. Just earlier this week, we were in talks with Tim Cook at Apple. I think we all know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[D Madness]

And they haven't signed off on this yet, but how about another $500,000 from Apple and you go take this and skip down to Arby's and bend over an inkjet printer and yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is unbelievable. This is the largest amount of money ever given away on this show. We thought Mr. Beast giving away $10,000 of cash in a briefcase was impressive. Impressive at the arena.

[D Madness]

He can sniff my sister's cauliflower soup face. How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Daniel, before we let you go, we barely found out anything about you. I'm gonna. We're gonna let you run with your $800,000 here any second. But before I let you go, what's the wildest thing about your life? What do we find to be unbelievably entertaining about you? You've seen the show before. You know how the interview portion works. What's your honest assessment of your life? What would we find to be interesting? What makes you different?

[Daniel Zelinka]

I think one of the craziest things about me is that I did meth when I was, like, 19, and I have a lot of crazy mess stories. A lot of crazy things happened there. I dated, like, a gangster girl. She's a Serena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's a Serena?

[Daniel Zelinka]

Yeah, like a South cider. A Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A salsa. Higher.

[Daniel Zelinka]

South Cider. South Sider.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, a South Sider.

[Daniel Zelinka]

Yeah, like a Mexican. Like Southsider. That's how they say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, wow, you sound Latino when you say Latino things.

[Daniel Zelinka]

I grew up with Mexicans. Yeah. I grew up in a Mexican trailer park. I was the only white person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sound like you hate them. No, I love them. Yeah?

[Daniel Zelinka]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what's the craziest thing you ever did while on math? Well, you ever try to cash a check for $800,000?

[Daniel Zelinka]

I don't know. I'm going to see if I could do it on 6th Street.

[Hans Kim]

So.

[D Madness]

No.

[Daniel Zelinka]

I stole cars in the snow. Robbed some cars. Cuz I was drifting. Then my girlfriend wanted to like her own car so she could drift too, and so she stole a car and we were both drifting in the snow. It was pretty fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drifting. The thing where, like, you spin around.

[Daniel Zelinka]

Spin around? Yeah, yeah. And a Honda Civic.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Giannis Pappas]

Talk about that, man. The food stamp stuff is just sad. Dude, Talk about the spins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk about the good stuff. Get into what makes you different. Everybody kind of. I mean, everybody was eating Pepsi and hot dogs at some point, really, you know.

[D Madness]

Well, you got to drift when you're in a relationship. If you don't, you're going to slowly drift apart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true. Better to drift together.

[D Madness]

No, that joke didn't go well. I'm going to give myself $700,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daniel Zelenka, you're leaving here with $800,000 and a little joke book. Good catch, Daniel Zelenka. On to the next one we go. You know, before we get to this next bucket poll, let's do something kind of fun here. There was a guy. It's a very interesting position. Something I never do is there was a funny man on this show, and he was really, really good. I think it was his girlfriend got pulled out of the bucket originally. She was terrible. She said her boyfriend's funnier. She was right. And so I had him back a couple months later to do another minute thinking, okay, that'll be fun. But he did great with the next minute. So this is his third time ever on this show. I want to see if he can do it again. He's two for two on this show. This. This is the third time ever for Justin Hedrick, everybody from Houston, Texas. A little Texas street. Yeah.

[D Madness]

All right.

[Justin Hedrick]

So I found out recently that my girl thinks that I roll a blunt like I. According to her, my finger technique is terrible. I never fill it up or get it wet enough. And no matter how hard I try, I'll never do it as good as a black guy. And despite having a girlfriend, I have a weird fear of dying in a gay way. Not so much like choking On a cock, but like choking to death on gluten free popcorn while watching Shob's Gringo Poppy. Not really what I want to leave behind to my kids as a legacy. I do have a bunch of kids and despite my best efforts, they're all woke. They're so woke, in fact, that every time I tell a trans joke, they won't talk to me for a week. It's been a year and I'm just about out of trans material. And similar to a lot of the trans community, I just don't have the balls to go back to the way things used to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. What an interesting story. This is the legacy of Justin Hedrick. Such a solid minute. His first time, came back, did it again. I'm trying to get you out of my fucking life. And you got keep doing this again and again. You're like the opposite of corduroy. Xavier, seems like you like, have you been working these out other places?

[Justin Hedrick]

This is my 13th time on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And. And you seem to be naturally good at it. You would agree.

[Justin Hedrick]

I agree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. And you're having a lot of fun. And you just started at the age of 40. 40? Hell yeah.

[Justin Hedrick]

I. I just turned 41 five days ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Happy birthday, my friend. So is it true that your kids are woke? You thank. That was a fantastic joke.

[Justin Hedrick]

No, my kids are awesome, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're not woke. Yeah, I had a feeling.

[Hans Kim]

I ra.

[Paulie Shore]

I raised them right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think you would allow that.

[Justin Hedrick]

I love my kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it seems like you would slap that right out of them. You know what I mean?

[Justin Hedrick]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're from Houston, Texas. Fort Worth, Texas. Fort Worth, Texas. Absolutely. The home of hyenas. Where, fun fact about hyenas, the great Harland Williams will be there February 9th through the 10th. Also February 9th through the 10th, San Francisco. Giannis P. Tapas at Cobs Comedy Club. So just a little something to keep in mind. February 9th and 10th.

[Justin Hedrick]

I watched Harlan there about a month ago and it was probably the best show I've ever seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, absolutely on fire. Yeah, I. I'll take one of those.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, you're going to get some money.

[Justin Hedrick]

Hey, just, just like 10,000.

[D Madness]

That's good. Harland was on $1 million.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[D Madness]

hang on, hang on. I'm gonna give you an extra 10,000 to get that life threatening melanoma off your neck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did spot it. Harlan has a good eye for skin cancer.

[Justin Hedrick]

It's actually on my nose right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[D Madness]

For real?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I believe so, yeah. Harlan made a joke and the Guy from Fort Worth is literally like, no, I got it. Just not the neck. Look at that. Your instincts. You're like one of those cancer sniffing puppies or something like that.

[D Madness]

I guess you won't be needing that check. Still need it still.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now I'm gonna keep it. Taking back the million, letting him keep the 10,000. Only here on Kiltoni. So, Justin, this has been amazing. Your run on the show. Anything else left for the interview part that we would find interesting about Maybe, Possibly.

[Justin Hedrick]

So this is my celebration vacation. I've been here for about three days and I'm celebrating losing £85 this last year. I lost the £85 to go skydiving, which I did on Saturday. And so did my girl. She went with me. She jumped out of the plane and she came down to a huge band dinner that said, will you marry me? And I proposed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That is real Fort Worth white trash right there. Holy.

[Justin Hedrick]

It's not as impressive as Red Band's proposal, but it was still pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. Red Band. The bride to be here. Coming up. You saw it live from the HEB Center. Mine was for tax reasons. I always would have guessed that you would have gotten engaged at an heb, just not the arena. Thought you would have proposed to a butcher or something like that. Or perhaps the. The bread lady. There you are. That's a Red Band. That's Red Band doing his VR podcast in the middle of the night. Okay. How long are you in town around for?

[Justin Hedrick]

Till tomorrow. Yeah, I had to come early because

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of the weather to do your skydiving thing? I had to do it before it froze. Incredible. And you had to lose weight in order to skydive? That's a thing.

[Justin Hedrick]

So I was £330 last January when I tried to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Justin Hedrick]

And now I'm 248.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they turned you away. They're like, sorry to do it right next time.

[D Madness]

Keep the weight on, you land faster. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They can't do two parachutes or something? Well, that's what I thought.

[Justin Hedrick]

I figured it'd be like a plane ticket for like David Lucas.

[Paulie Shore]

Like just pay extra, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But no, they.

[Justin Hedrick]

They did not. And they even. Even at 248, they strapped like a 5 foot 5 girl on my back to just to make it right. Like, right weight wise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. So they told you the first time they're like, dude, you can't do it.

[Justin Hedrick]

Yeah, no, he laughed at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And like when pigs fly, you could do it. But yeah, you were fat.

[Justin Hedrick]

I was very.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You Know what? I'm going to write myself a check.

[D Madness]

By the way, if you ever put the weight back on, just make sure you land on a kfc. You'll be all set. You know, if you're not going to laugh, I will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Justin, congratulations. Another amazing set. Congratulations on your birthday, on your upcoming marriage, and on a third great set. Maybe we'll do it again sometime soon. Justin. Okay, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. This looks like a new name to me. Make some noise for Walt Barber, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Walt Barber. Here we go.

[Zach Hedrick]

Damn.

[Walt Barber]

There's a lot of people out there that think that Jesus was a white man and they have all been duped because Jesus was definitely black. And at the end of the day, all you got to know is that that motherfucker was hung like. And I'm pretty sure that's why they call it the Resurrection. And I haven't read the Bible, but I have read some of the spark notes and met enough thumpers in my day to know that when he did rise up, probably cast a shadow from Rome to Jerusalem with that thing blotting out the sun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Okie dokie. All right. I don't know what color Jesus was, but he's not watching over you and your comedy career.

[D Madness]

Oh, it would not seem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn not a Jesus like performance whatsoever. We definitely hope you don't come back in three days. My goodness. Wow. How many times have you done stand up comedy?

[Walt Barber]

It's probably about like the seventh or eighth time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long ago did you start?

[Walt Barber]

October.

[Giannis Pappas]

October 4th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

October.

[Walt Barber]

It was an ugly day. And this might be the ugliest.

[D Madness]

Can I say something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

This isn't easy, but as a black man man, For you to come out here and talk about color dressed as Barney, You can go to yogurt land and ride.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. That is true. I completely.

[Walt Barber]

That's fair enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I completely agree. What's up with that hat? Hat? Is that a lucky hat or something? It's very dirty. It's bent. It's very, very creepy.

[Justin Hedrick]

It's a.

[Walt Barber]

It is. It's a work hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you. What do you do for work?

[Walt Barber]

I do stone work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stone work?

[Walt Barber]

Yeah, it's a stone mason. Stone sculpting and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Walt Barber]

That type of thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You make a lot of money doing that. A lot of people asking you to come work on their stones.

[Walt Barber]

Not a lot of money, but I do get to work on people's stones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[D Madness]

The shirt is in stone. Dwarf work.

[Walt Barber]

It is not. Believe it or not, it is not stonework.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you smoke marijuana?

[Walt Barber]

I smoke marijuana, yes, but not right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else do you do? You smell things? Sniff things. Keyboard cleaner. You sniff a lot of things? You have a little.

[Walt Barber]

I drink from now and then, you know, every now and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh? Huh?

[D Madness]

Fruit Loops.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Wait a minute. He did a sniff joke. I think I'm allowed to do a Fruit Loops joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. You're allowed? Absolutely. So, most interest, how'd you end up like this? Walt, where are you from originally?

[Walt Barber]

From a little town outside of Charlottesville, Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Walt Barber]

We all found out was apparently like a vacation spot for the proud boys, Right. A few years ago, which is about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you weren't one of them.

[Walt Barber]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And how long have you been here in Texas?

[Walt Barber]

I actually got in this morning. This afternoon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we're excited about your departure.

[Walt Barber]

I'm sure. I'm sure everybody is.

[D Madness]

Can I just ask something, just, you know, from a strategic point of view?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

You came all the way from where?

[Walt Barber]

Came out from Richmond, Virginia.

[D Madness]

Okay. Long travels, Right? You had one minute. That it maybe occur to you to not come out and do 30 seconds of silence off the top?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think that was in memory of Black Jesus or something like that. Happy Martin Luther King Day, guys. It's true. Happy Martin Luther King.

[Walt Barber]

That the silence at the beginning was not intense, intentional. I did intend to come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you think that happened? What did you feel? A lot of eyes, right? Yeah, a lot of eyes.

[Walt Barber]

Nice looking eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Getting scary. Very good. Very good. Nope.

[D Madness]

He would never do good at a potato farm, I'll tell you that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a little joke book, buddy. There you go. When do you fly back to Virginia? All right, thank you guys.

[D Madness]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you all very much. Thank you all very much. You're very welcome. There he goes, everybody. Walt Barber. Okay, let's sage the room a little bit with a real comedian. One of the most prolific regulars in the history of the show. Energy, charisma, written material, performed material. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a brand new 60 seconds from one of our esteemed regulars, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

My phone had broke a couple days ago, so I had to beat my meat the old fashioned way with some pussy. Now I'm playing. I had to use my meat imagination. My imagination is not what it was when I was like 10 years old. Cause when I was 10, all I had to see was like two infinity signs. I was like them titties yeah, that shit hard right there. But now I'm 24 years old and I done seen some shit, you know what I'm saying? So now I need to see, like, a bukake or something. I don't like saying that. Cause I don't know what that is. My weird friend would, like, say that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they gonna know what that is.

[Cam Patterson]

And y' all were like, no, the fuck we don't. That's strange. You know what a bukkake is, sir? You know what that is? Yes, you do, you sick fuck. You know what that is, you sick motherfucker. I like it. Fuck you.

[Paulie Shore]

I like it.

[Cam Patterson]

I will tell you the weirdest thing about beating my meat with my imagination is that I don't have my phone. Know what I'm saying? I beat me with my phone for so long. Like, this hand is just free. Like this hand ain't know what to do, dawg. Like, I'll beat my meat. And this hand was like, maybe I could help. So I started playing with my nipple. That felt. That just felt gay. Then I started choking myself. I liked it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[Cam Patterson]

That was cool. I've been campaigning. Thank God, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. He did it again. He did it again. International superstar.

[D Madness]

I gotta look. I don't mind a little dirty, but you don't see it coming from Black Jesus, I'll tell you that.

[Cam Patterson]

We outside man my dick hard as long as hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[D Madness]

I don't know what you said, but thank you.

[Cam Patterson]

I was trying to say other words and I them up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing stuff, Cam. You did it again. I can confirm that your phone and did did break in the past week. That was a thing. I had no idea that you were having trouble masturbating. It was tough, but I can.

[Cam Patterson]

It's a long two days, I'll tell you that much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Not being able to look at porn that hard, bro.

[Giannis Pappas]

I tried it once. I. I just bought another. I just stole a guy's phone. This is impossible. Yeah, yeah, but that's a good idea. With the other hand,

[Cam Patterson]

I wouldn't you want to do that?

[Giannis Pappas]

Would you tickle it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You a strange Giannis. You strange by L G people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Cam Patterson]

I love him so much.

[D Madness]

Well, hold on. Did you just call him the N word?

[Cam Patterson]

That my you my too.

[D Madness]

We don't use the N word. Not on this show. It's certainly not. Jesus. Give him a hand. That's my son. Isn't he great?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true.

[Cam Patterson]

Like that.

[D Madness]

Can you spell my. What?

[Cam Patterson]

Can you spell good?

[D Madness]

Spell it for me.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm not doing it. I'll pass.

[D Madness]

Someone's just about to get a nice fat check.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh. Oh, hell yeah. Here we go.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, yeah, Pops. Appreciate you put $3 million on that.

[Giannis Pappas]

Don't spend it on sneakers.

[D Madness]

31. $1 million.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. I actually watched it happen. He wrote it for 1 million. Cam suggested make it 3, and he just put a 3 in front of the 1. 31 million. Amazing what Harlan is doing here tonight.

[Cam Patterson]

What about some fun about some white?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Here he is.

[Cam Patterson]

Darkness. There you go. Darkness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. It is a Martin Luther King King celebration up here, right? Absolutely incredible. He had a dream. We doing it, baby. And we're living it. We doing it. I love it. Is that a new blue hoodie? It's very blue. It's incredible.

[Cam Patterson]

Come on, we outside, man. I got. I got a little bread. Now I'm buying other colors. Yeah, I can afford colors, and it's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. When. Just a reminder. When we met Cam, he only wore plain white T shirts and slides with white socks. And he said, no matter whatever happens to me, I'm never changing. I'm always gonna stay this way. And he totally changed immediately. It's literally only been six months. He does a new outfit every single week. Brand spanking new, blatantly fresh. Never washed.

[Cam Patterson]

I got a new chain, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, bigger.

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

First one I ever got that I did not steal. Come on, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Cam Patterson]

But I did not pay for it. So we outside, baby.

[Hans Kim]

Hell yeah.

[Paulie Shore]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was a gift. Yeah, it was a gift from a girl.

[Cam Patterson]

No, no, no. Sugar Sean gave it to me.

[Rick Diaz]

New Year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Sugar Sean o' Malley giving away chains. Look at that. The Kill Tony universe never stops giving. He also. A fun fact is, Sugar Sean lost a. Was it a bracelet?

[Cam Patterson]

A diamond bracelet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A diamond bracelet.

[Cam Patterson]

That's why he gave me this one. So his bracelet failed, and then I picked it up and gave it to him. I wanted to take it so bad, But I'm a good person. I'll change. So I gave him his ch. I gave him the bracelet back. He was like, bro, thank you for giving my bracelet back, bro. He gave me the chain. I gave him the bracelet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you gave him his bracelet. And then a fun fact. We had a lot of fun on New Year's Eve. A fun fact is that he lost his bracelet again. Later that night, I got so scared

[Cam Patterson]

because I was like, we don't find it again, I'm gonna lose the chain.

[Matt Robertson]

So we.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, we gotta find a fucking Bracelet Dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we found it. But we found it. Yeah, absolutely.

[Giannis Pappas]

Where'd you find it? Was it in his pocket?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it was actually. It was actually quite funny. My buddy from high school, Anthony, found it and told the bartender. He goes, hey, I just found Sugar Sean's bracelet. If you see him, let him know I have it. And the bartender claimed that he found it. And it went on and on. Everybody thought they were going to get a gift from Sugarshan o'. Malley. It just spread like wild. But just to let you know, I found Sugar Sean's probably. I mean, I would guess hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars according to Harlan's checkbook. A lot of money was the bracelet worth. But we had a lot of fun. You have a new chain. Have you gotten that appraised yet? Your Sugar Shine necklace?

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, I didn't take it to the pawn shop or nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. We'll never do that.

[Cam Patterson]

It's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's insane. It's green and hill. I love it. Well, you did it again. Another unbelievably incredible minute. Cam Patterson. Lot of nick dates coming up. A lot of fun stuff on the road with me. We're doing it. Living the American dream. There he goes. Wow. He just gave away $31 million to the man in the front row. Absolutely incredible. Just giving it away.

[D Madness]

Just handing it around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing. Shout out to you.

[D Madness]

I swear to give it to a Klondike guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Keeping it moving along. Another name out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Matt Roberts. Robertson, everybody. Here we go. Anything could happen. Could be the next star. Could be another bombing. Matt Robertson.

[D Madness]

Thank you.

[Matt Robertson]

I've been waiting tables recently. Dreams do come true. I am a waiter. I fucking did it. Waiting tables. It's okay. It's not my dream job. It's kind of like if you're a straight actor cast in the HIV treatment commercial, Like, I'm happy for the work, but this isn't the role I want to be remembered for. You know what I mean? That's just me. I don't know. We play a lot of. Yeah, we. Yeah, we still play a lot of Michael Jackson at my restaurant, which is weird. There's a time they didn't play it, but now they do. You know, he's cool again. It's weird we didn't know Michael Jackson was a pedophile because, like, if you read the lyrics to his songs, it just sounds like a confession, you know? I want to love you, you pretty young thing. This guy. I'm Bad. I'm bad. I'm really, really bad. You know it. You know. You know your butt is mine. I'm a pedophile.

[Davey Jackson]

Get it?

[Matt Robertson]

I'm a fucking pedophile. I left breadcrumbs. I just. You didn't get it. I just. I'm a pedophile. Thank you. Not me. Michael Jackson. Anyway.

[D Madness]

All right. Okay.

[Matt Robertson]

Right. I had to make that clear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much, Giannis.

[Giannis Pappas]

Seems like that legacy is gonna be a waiter. I think you will be known.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt, how long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Matt Robertson]

I was here with Tim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up comedy? No one knows when and where you were.

[Matt Robertson]

Nine years. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine years. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Okay, you've been on the show once before?

[Matt Robertson]

Yeah, with Tim. In December.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Okay. In December. What happened then? What do you mean? We had fun.

[Matt Robertson]

Oh, well, you don't remember. Yeah, no. I'm a waiter at Japanese restaurant. I take too long to come. Is this waiter ever gonna come?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Matt Robertson]

That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. And you take too long to come.

[Matt Robertson]

I still do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why your wife left you or something, right?

[Matt Robertson]

Correct. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Starting to come back to me.

[Matt Robertson]

Yeah, yeah, it's all coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Matt Robertson]

I am single.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Matt Robertson]

Huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We totally would have guessed that. How's dating life going for you?

[Matt Robertson]

It's better now. Oh, the Tim Dillon gave me a bump. I got some, so thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, Tim Dillon gave you a what?

[Matt Robertson]

No, well, the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The.

[Matt Robertson]

The Tim Dillon so gave me a little bump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it gave you a bump?

[Matt Robertson]

Yeah, for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's called hpv. But a bump of the bump on your. Very good.

[Matt Robertson]

You got me late.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened? How did you get laid late? Explain to the people what happens after someone like you. I mean, imagine what happens if you're anybody that looks human whatsoever. The fact that you can get puzzled. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is like if someone gave Jared from Subway. Testosterone. This is amazing. My God. Wow. Incredible. Okay, okay, so how did you get. Explain to the people.

[Matt Robertson]

Well, cuz I was on with Tim and we had fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. If you say you were off with Tim Dylan again, I'm going to go ballistic.

[Matt Robertson]

Oh, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you were on the show and then what?

[Matt Robertson]

And then I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you get.

[Matt Robertson]

Oh, cuz someone was like, I saw you, we had fun, you know, I liked it and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so then what happens? You. You took them back to sex.

[Matt Robertson]

I don't know how.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think he's making it up as he's talking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think so.

[Matt Robertson]

No, that you.

[D Madness]

You know what? I've never done this before, but I'm going to do this. Take this, and you write me yourself. Check. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible.

[D Madness]

I want $200,000 for sitting here and listening to Jared from Subway Part two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It's true. Part two, the second foot long.

[Matt Robertson]

I'm. I'm not in prison. I'm doing better than Jared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you?

[D Madness]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know what's better?

[Matt Robertson]

He's getting raped in federal prison. I'm talking to you. I'm doing better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, maybe. Well, I don't.

[Hans Kim]

That's debatable.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think you have a good barometer of how good you're doing on the show right now. A lot of people would rather get raped in federal prison than be raping you. Have some feeling. You know, there's a. There's a. You get filled with something.

[Giannis Pappas]

You time raped us. All right, give me the check.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Giannis Pappas]

$400,000 for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt, what did you get last time? A little joke book? No, you got a big one. Last time. Are you serious? You gave us your best minute that you wrote in nine years.

[Matt Robertson]

No, it was a month. Yeah, no, I got a big one.

[Davey Jackson]

We had.

[Matt Robertson]

You were nicer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Matt Robertson]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you were. I was nicer, and you were probably better.

[Matt Robertson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your Michael Jackson joke has probably been done 5,000 times since it happened. Oh, bad. I'm so bad.

[Matt Robertson]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't think anybody's covered that? Michael Jackson? Why don't you moonwalk your ass back to obscurity? Go use your big joke book. I didn't love it.

[D Madness]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't love it. There he goes. He was on with Tim Dillon, everybody. Go watch that episode if you want to see him do good. Obviously, he got all the pussy. He got a pussy bump, everybody. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Zach Hedrick, everyone. Zach Hedrick. One more time for Zach Hedrick, everyone.

[Priya Blunts]

What's up?

[Zach Hedrick]

So I just moved here from Alabama, and dating has been super tough for me, you know, because I'm more than a thousand miles away from home. Has been having, like, a really tough time finding any cousins. It's been tough. I think I'm not good at talking to women. I think older generations had it easier because they had song lyrics that helped them, you know, they had lyrics like I'll lay you down and softly whisper pretty love words in your ear. Conway Twitty beautiful. I grew up singing lyrics like, make that pussy fart for the Yin Yang twins. So I talk to girls. That shit does not work. It's not. Not good at talking to. I'm not good at dirty talking. I was with a chick recently. She kind of knew that, and she was, like, trying to pet me up for it. She's like, come on, you can do this. You're a beast in the bed. You're a beast in the bed. And I was gonna say something a little similar, but switch it up a little. I was like, fuck, yeah. I am. I am a sexual predator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Zach Hedrick just beating the bear now. That's interesting. We had Justin Hedrick on earlier. You're no relation to him?

[Zach Hedrick]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. There you go. Thought you guys could have been brothers or something like that.

[Zach Hedrick]

Brothers.

[William Montgomery]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. So welcome, Zach. You've been on this show before? I have. I remember the patented headband. Yeah.

[Zach Hedrick]

That's fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Good set. Is that true that you just moved here from Alabama?

[Zach Hedrick]

Nah, I've been here for about nine months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Hell, yeah. Fun. Fun stuff. How's it going? What do you love about Austin, Texas?

[Zach Hedrick]

I don't know, dude. Nothing, really. It kind of sucks here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[D Madness]

Better than.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it not better than Alabama?

[Zach Hedrick]

Better than Alabama. It's pretty much just Alabama with Mexicans, you know? So it's, like, not quite as good,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I guess you could say, in art and food. Right?

[Zach Hedrick]

The food's really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't like the art?

[Zach Hedrick]

Yeah, the art's cool, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Culture.

[Zach Hedrick]

Culture.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about the women? Most beautiful women in the world.

[Zach Hedrick]

The women are good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the women are good to the women. Right?

[Zach Hedrick]

A massive nod there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Zach Hedrick]

But I lived in Tampa before I moved here, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tampa's wild. Tampa is a fun place.

[Zach Hedrick]

Yeah. It's pretty cool, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. I saw a massive shooting at. How do they say that you bore Eboar. Eboar, yeah, Eboar this week.

[Zach Hedrick]

And. Yeah, that goes.

[Giannis Pappas]

Do you wear the headband during the day as well?

[Zach Hedrick]

Just on stage.

[Giannis Pappas]

You put it on before you go on?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Why?

[Zach Hedrick]

I don't. I'm a. I used to be a pro wrestler, so I kind of love gimmicky stuff. Yeah. So I gotta hold back to my roots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was your wrestling name?

[Zach Hedrick]

Zach Aether.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Real jump from Zach Hedrick.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you choose a.

[Zach Hedrick]

Because I'm done. I thought that I read God of Upper Air is actually pronounced ether. And I was like, I'll just call it Aether instead So I just went with that. I did a bunch of like half line stuff. My finisher was a shooting star press.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's a. That's an impressive maneuver. That's a forwards back flip. You jump forward while doing a backflip. That's the move that Brock Lesnar famously hit his head on.

[Zach Hedrick]

Broke his neck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Zach Hedrick]

Wrestlemania.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's not an easy move to do. Do. Yeah. You still stay in shape.

[Zach Hedrick]

Stay in shape.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you do that?

[Zach Hedrick]

Don't wrestle. I do a lot of CrossFit.

[Walt Barber]

I know.

[Zach Hedrick]

Yeah. I knew that was gonna get nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I knew you've been on this show before.

[Zach Hedrick]

You guys all hate me now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on this show before, correct? Did you notice that you got a bump after your appearance? Yeah.

[D Madness]

Let me ask you something, guy, and be honest.

[Corduroy Xavier]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

When you're not doing stand up up, are you traveling around the world in your van with a talking dog looking for ghosts?

[Zach Hedrick]

I. I wish my life was that good.

[D Madness]

Like, if you're here, then like, who's that on your driver's license?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[D Madness]

Ma', am, if you could look away. I hate your eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Zach, anything else we should know about you that we haven't found out from your previous interviews?

[Zach Hedrick]

Yeah, Heath Cordes is my roommate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. There's a lot of you guys in that house, huh?

[Zach Hedrick]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how many is there?

[Zach Hedrick]

Just me, Heath and Brent Reese.

[D Madness]

What about Velma and what's his name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's fair. What's it like living with little Heath Cordis?

[Zach Hedrick]

Dude, he's the man. I got home last night, the door was dead bolted because he was a girl on our couch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. He famously lost his virginity before his appearance in the arena. And it's very interesting to see that he's keeping the momentum going. Was her name Celia by any.

[Zach Hedrick]

No, it wasn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't the center, was it, Cynthia?

[Paulie Shore]

No.

[Zach Hedrick]

So he, like when we came in,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, so wait, when he came in the end, what'd you say? Were you there for that part when you crawl through a window?

[Zach Hedrick]

I wasn't there. We walked in and she immediately darted to the bathroom. Like after he deadbolted it, we went to our rooms. We're like, we're not gonna. I don't want to see Heath have sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just.

[Zach Hedrick]

Going to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't. You don't want to watch what appears to be an 11 year old boy?

[Cam Patterson]

No,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't think so. Keith is a 21 year old with a condition that makes him look like he's about 11.

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[D Madness]

Talk about Benjamin buttons or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

You said you had sex on a couch. Is that what you said?

[Zach Hedrick]

He was banging on our couch, dude.

[D Madness]

You were banging on a couch.

[Zach Hedrick]

He was 11 year old boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was.

[Zach Hedrick]

It was pretty impressive.

[D Madness]

Oh, good God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that his second girl, do you know?

[Zach Hedrick]

Second. Second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second time. Second time ever. Do you know how he did? We're excited to find out more about this.

[Zach Hedrick]

Pretty good. I only talked to him for a little bit last night about it, but he. He was very happy, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. Well, we're going to have to find out more. That is indeed breaking news. Heath is he went from zero. They got the true bump. You want to talk about a pussy bump? Bump. There's no doubt about it. Lost his virginity before the arena show from a fan that flew in for the arena shows and now he's just straight up pounding P. That boy is going wild now. He deadbolted the main door. So you were locked out for about how long?

[Zach Hedrick]

Probably like two minute. Two or three minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It doesn't take long.

[Zach Hedrick]

Just enough time for him to come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't wait to find out more from him. Thank you so much. Another appearance by Zach hedger.

[Walt Barber]

Trick y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. You have a little joke book.

[Cam Patterson]

My.

[Zach Hedrick]

I had a big jug book and my car got stolen and it was in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Your car got stolen? What kind of car was it?

[Zach Hedrick]

Toyota corolla.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Toyota corolla. Harland with the check.

[D Madness]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go. And you know what? Here's another big kill Tony joke book to make up for that.

[D Madness]

There you go. Toyota Corolla. Here's $1,000. Get a new one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, one of the things that I love about this show is that every once in a while there's a very short list of legends in the history of the show. Some of you know the great Dom Ira, the who was it. There's been a lot of greats that have done a minute. Ron white has done a minute on this show. This is one of those moments where Nick Swartzen. Absolutely, definitely Eddie Murphy. Thank you. Yes, sir. It's done a minute on this show. Right now is one of those moments that you will never forget as I present to you performing, gracing us with his presence, comedy royalty. You know him from all of his hit movies, all of his hit shows. A star for over fucking 40 years. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted by the great and powerful Pauly Shore. Wow. Oh, my goodness. It really is him. Everybody kill Tony the comedy Store Paulie motherfucking Shore.

[Paulie Shore]

A lot of you guys going, that's not Paulie Shore. That's a homeless guy with aids. Fucker taking all the fucking juice from the room. Cocksucker. Fucking fuck. I'm gonna fucking cancel your flight tomorrow. And you're not going to fucking Denver or Dallas to eat some pussy tomorrow night like you fucking said, you cocksucker. Anyways, give it up for Harlan Williams.

[D Madness]

All right, so.

[Paulie Shore]

So now my minute starts right here, right? Is that cool or.

[D Madness]

No?

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Paulie Shore]

Anyways, so I knew I was gonna be here tonight on the Kill Tony Show. So I was at the gym today working out for you people. I was on this machine. I don't know what it's fucking called, but it's a cardio machine. Have you guys tried this machine? I'm on it for 45. What's it called? Elliptical. I'm on it for 45 minutes. The whole time I'm thinking, what does this work you out for? How to get in a fight with a homosexual. I was walking across the street, four homos tried to attack me. I said, get the away from me. They're like, ronnie's been working on the elliptical.

[D Madness]

Ah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It hurt.

[D Madness]

It burns.

[Paulie Shore]

Someone asked me recently if I was gay. Do I look gay? Fuck you. I'll throw this microphone at your fucking head like fred durst from 1999. No, I do. I do. I walk gay. I talk gay. I act. I have a gay name that's pretty fucking gay. I asked my mom, is it Polly, like Italian? She said, no, Polly, like fag. That's what she said. But I was at the gym. I was at the gym and I was watching these gay dudes. They were doing lunges right in front of me. And they do lunges just like you and I, but when they do them, they have a dildo on every third step. And I saw the fucking nudies like this. Oh, fuck, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Paulie Shore]

And the guy just fucking walks off like everything's fucking cool. I'm like, what the fuck, bro? Wipe your dildos down, dude. Where's your tim etiquette?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great and powerful Paulie.

[D Madness]

She.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, gracing us. Wow. Okay. All right. Okay, Polly, that's enough of the physical fucking physical humor here. Paulie. Great set. Unbelievable. 2 minutes and 15 seconds of thunder and lightning. I thought it was fantastic. I didn't appreciate you talking about disrespecting my lunges at the gym that you saw me do earlier. It's not easy out there trying to keep workouts entertaining. And I went back. I cleaned the dildos. Later, after you left. Welcome back to the show. Pauly Shore. Kill Tony. Royalty. Comedy Store royalty. The son of the creator of the Comedy Store. Make Mitzi Shore and the great Sammy Shore. We love having you. You're a real big part of this Texas thing that's happening. You just keep coming back for more again and again and again. Famously. Hollywood. Beverly Hills, Louisiana. Jesus.

[D Madness]

Did you just puke?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that burp saved up. He's been holding that in since Encino Man. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. What is going on? Giannis isn't having it.

[D Madness]

One of the best I've ever seen.

[Paulie Shore]

I just met him upstairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. So I love it.

[Paulie Shore]

I like him, but you know how it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. These New Yorkers, they don't do a lot of the touchy, touchy.

[Paulie Shore]

Oh, New York. Okay. I get that's why he's a little resistant. Existent. Not like this little guy likes me to touch him.

[D Madness]

Come on, get your pants clean.

[Paulie Shore]

No, this has been fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those are those a lot of. A lot of action, those pants.

[D Madness]

Nice to see mold is coming back. Only guy I know has a yeast infection on the outside life.

[Paulie Shore]

Give it up for Harlan Williams, who hasn't had a movie farther than. Since I've had a movie. What was he in Rocket Man. And what was it? Some. The other thing. He was. He was supposed to be in Biodome, right? Is that what you keep saying?

[D Madness]

I was originally cast in Biodome and they booted me off and they put you in. Shut the up. Give him a hand. That's my son. Isn't he great, huh? Pre op. Gonna be a girl in the morning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is amazing to be up here with both of you. I mean, I have been watching you guys for, what is it, 20 years or whatever.

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah, the movie started.

[D Madness]

When did you do your stuff, nosy?

[Paulie Shore]

It was like 30 years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I was 30 years old when Dumb and Dumber came out with the great Harland Williams. And of course, half Baked. A huge part of my fucking childhood. Me, myself and Irene.

[D Madness]

No, thanks. I'm busy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So many greats. Was supposed to be the Amish guy in Kingpin, but had a series that he had to do instead.

[D Madness]

That's right.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Holy God. But let's keep the focus on Paul, shall we?

[Paulie Shore]

We're supposed to do. We were supposed to do Encino Man 2, but Brendan Fraser that up and got an Oscar, bro. Yeah, he's not going from an Oscar to Encino Man 2. That's not gonna.

[D Madness]

You Just should have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should have pushed the in Xenoman 2. Just two or three years ago, and you would have had it.

[Paulie Shore]

I spoke to Andy Dick recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. We're going over all the 90s.

[Paulie Shore]

He wanted. He wanted to do celebrity boxing with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Paulie Shore]

I'm like, dude, I'm desperate. Not that desperate.

[D Madness]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pretty sure you could beat him with your elliptical training.

[D Madness]

All right?

[Paulie Shore]

And then Stephen Baldwin from Biodome is a Jesus freak. Now, I don't know if guys, you. I watch him on Instagram, but he's pretty funny. Jesus. Music plays and he just cries, bro. It's hilarious. He's just like. I'm like, unfollow. I had to unfollow him. But I loved all my movies. I loved all my movies that I did back in the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The full evolution of Pauly Shore, an unbelievably talented standup comedian. Been doing it since you were. How old were you when you started?

[Paulie Shore]

17.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, 17. 17 years old.

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah. My whole life spent. My whole life's been a two drink minimum. Pretty much. Pretty much. No. I started at the Comedy Store. My parents started it when I was just a little kid. I was probably like 4 years old. My parents. My mom and dad started it. And I grew up there my whole life. I grew up around the greats. You know, I remember when these guys first came out there many years ago. Tony was working the door, he was working the phones. He was stealing my mom's money behind the fucking booth. No, that was Rennie's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Easy.

[D Madness]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it wasn't me. It wasn't me.

[Paulie Shore]

No. So it's been a pretty cool. It's been a pretty cool run. And I'm obviously very happy for you guys out here. Every time I come here, my heart melts because Joe's here. He started the bar downstairs on behalf of my mom. He took the spirit of my mom and brought it in here. And that's what it really did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really did. It lives on the levels. The door guys are all absolutely killing it. The openers are turning into features. The features are turning into headliners. The headliners here are absolutely killing it.

[Paulie Shore]

And you, you fuck. Dude, you have come a long way. I mean, like Tony tells me. Yo, Tony tells me about a month ago, we're texting, we're talking. And this was before it was announced that he's doing Madison Square Garden in the fucking forum. And I'm like. He's like, it's coming. And then literally next week, they fucking put it on for sale. And I saw this show start in the belly room of the Comedy Store in front of like, three people. Yeah, it was like them and the Ding Dong show. That was pretty much it, right? And now look at this. And so I'm really happy for Tony, and it's pretty cool. And of course, red van, red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course.

[Paulie Shore]

He's the. He's the ying to your yang.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, totally. Wouldn't be able to do it without him. I mean, totally. Have you seen this guy? Look up a song on SoundCloud. There he is, the red band sound effect. Just picking around. There he is, the pig to my yang. We have a lot of fun. Paulie, you're killing it. You have what they tell the people about the new.

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah, well, we have a show here. I think Joe. Joe asked me to be on his show tomorrow night.

[D Madness]

Your pants look like razor.

[Paulie Shore]

No, this is when you're. This is what happened. It's cool, right? Is this cool or. No, old Asian.

[D Madness]

We're good.

[Paulie Shore]

Like. Yeah, so I'll be on his show tomorrow, and then I have a. A show here on Wednesday night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These pants are very telling. I see Paulie and the weasel right now. Look at this thing, dude.

[Paulie Shore]

Want to touch the nub, bro?

[Hans Kim]

Look at this.

[Paulie Shore]

Touch the little nub.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. I. I see your little bitsy shore down there. You know what I'm saying?

[Paulie Shore]

No. We got the rich Richard Simmons biopic, which I'm playing the role of Richard Simmons. We're working on that. So you'll see that shit that's coming out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Paulie and the Crusties is absolutely booming. I don't know if you guys know, but Paulie has a band. He's the front man of a band. Paulie and the Crusties. You want to do a little song for us here tonight?

[Paulie Shore]

Well, I want to, but it's up to them. Do they want me to do a song?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want Paulie to do a song? The best damn band in the land backing them up. What are we doing tonight, Paul?

[Paulie Shore]

I was at the Red. The red blue Ribbon. What's the strip club called?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Red Rose.

[Paulie Shore]

The red Blue Ribbon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought Sony threw it all.

[Paulie Shore]

And we got your very own Isabella here tonight. She's going to help me with the. The dance. And this song is called Bad to the Bone by George Thorgood. I hope you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, here we go. Paulie Shore.

[Paulie Shore]

A lot of people are like, maybe now's good. A time for a smoke break outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, better time.

[Paulie Shore]

Press play. Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Press play. This is a live band. We don't really press play here.

[Paulie Shore]

Press play. Come on, Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Paulie Shore, everybody.

[Paulie Shore]

On the day I was born Nurses all gather round they say the white window to the door that you found the head nurse woke up said leave this one alone she could tell right away she's ready to bone Ready to bone. Ready to bone.

[D Madness]

Get that fold away from me.

[Paulie Shore]

I want a fucking bone.

[D Madness]

It's like raisin bread.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, all right, that's good calling Good enough. Polly live. Oh, there goes the table for sure. All right.

[Paulie Shore]

Ah.

[D Madness]

I feel like I just saw Talon knighted a Polly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The table's not built for that. All right, there he goes. Paulie Shore, everybody saa. There he goes. There he goes. He brought the worst stripper from the Red Rose with them. It's unbelievable. I don't think she was one of the dancers. I'm telling you, they're an official sponsor of the show. They have a lot better than that at the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. Don't let that. Oh, you guys. Okay, I'm sorry. What do you want? You don't want me to make jokes anymore? Okay, I'll do a serious episode the rest of the show, I think.

[D Madness]

One more time, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This stunning girl from the Red Rose area.

[D Madness]

I. I think Paulie heard her wrong. She said she was a paint stripper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus.

[D Madness]

Paulie's pants. It looks like Picasso had diarrhea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. How about one more time for Paulie, everybody? All right, we gotta go back to this bucket again. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Going to Priya Blunts, everyone. Priya Blunts. Okay, it's Priya.

[Priya Blunts]

What's up, guys? I just recently came back from Colombia, the country. We got any Colombians here? All right, let's talk shit. I saw a beauty service down there where you can take brown nipples and tattoo them into pink nipples. I know usually I support women with whatever they want to do to their bodies, you know? But I do also believe, like, at the very least, shouldn't your nipples match your pussy lips? Like, if you're some guy, you don't think he's gonna notice you have, like, turkey nipples and a pastrami pussy. You know, like your pussy saying, hi, puppy. And then your nipples are like, sorry, I don't speak Mexican. All right, I'm Priya Blunts. My nipples are still brown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Priya blunts. 50 seconds. Very good set.

[Priya Blunts]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on this show before. Correct?

[D Madness]

Correct.

[Priya Blunts]

I have not been on this show before, but I've done the roast battle here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And I judged it. You did. That's where I know you from. Absolutely. How did that go that night? I don't remember.

[Priya Blunts]

I won.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. Yeah. Very funny stuff. Where are you from?

[Priya Blunts]

New York City.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you lived here? You live here now?

[Priya Blunts]

I do not live here. I was just here for a week.

[Paulie Shore]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How'd the week go for you?

[Priya Blunts]

It was cute. It was cute. I did like a bunch of shows every night. I did the mic right before this. I had a good time. Yeah, Austin's a good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Lots of shows to do. Lots of fun to be had. What did you do? Non comedy related. That was fun. Here.

[Priya Blunts]

I ate barbecue. I a really tall guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Were you the bump?

[D Madness]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God, no. Okay.

[Priya Blunts]

They don't have a lot of tall guys in New York York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. Giannis.

[Giannis Pappas]

There not a lot of tall guys in New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you heard of the Knicks? They even have a tall Asian. I do believe there. Yeah, one.

[Giannis Pappas]

There's tall guys in New York, I think.

[Priya Blunts]

I don't know where they are.

[D Madness]

Where'd you meet the tall guy? Where'd you meet him?

[Priya Blunts]

I want to call him a chuckle. Cuz he saw my set and then was just really into me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[D Madness]

Well, John Wayne Gacy was a chuckle too, so might want to watch your step there. Corn on the cob, Sally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this guy came up to you after your set. What was his line?

[Priya Blunts]

I used to play football.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that was it. That's all you remember?

[Priya Blunts]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You invited him back to your hotel tell. Yeah, okay.

[Priya Blunts]

That's a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay.

[D Madness]

Like someone washed up. He used to play football. Yeah, well, don't yeah me. I was all, yeah, you're right back. And he'll Yanny pop us. You right back.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, Yanny popus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You right back.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is that all it took? Was just. I used to play football and you like let's.

[Priya Blunts]

I mean, he's really hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he say high school? College.

[Priya Blunts]

What is. Do you know what D1 is? I don't know what that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, D1. Hell yeah. That's a. That's college. And if he said D1 without saying the college, then that's probably not that great of a College. It was D1. That's all it takes to get one D for you.

[D Madness]

So by the way, this is just off are some of the nerds out here. D1 is also one of the Lesser known robots from Star Wars Chapter three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[D Madness]

It's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true.

[Priya Blunts]

I did also. I did also shoot guns. I shot guns out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Priya Blunts]

Fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know what kind of guns

[Priya Blunts]

you should have led with?

[D Madness]

That sounds like a violent date.

[Priya Blunts]

It was a semi automatic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What ethnicity are you?

[Priya Blunts]

I'm Indian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Just straight up regular Indian.

[Priya Blunts]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Not Middle Eastern at all.

[Priya Blunts]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you had no urge while shooting the semi automatic to just shoot it straight up in the air like that in celebration of getting D1D?

[Priya Blunts]

No, I did not do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, okay. Very interesting. What do your Indian parents think about you chasing such an elusive dream of being a standup comedian?

[Priya Blunts]

Oh, they hate it. I'll obviously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. What did they want you to be?

[Priya Blunts]

Just. Just a doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, Exactly. And when did you know you weren't going to be a doctor?

[Priya Blunts]

Very young maybe when I was like 17.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. What did you want to do when you were 17?

[Priya Blunts]

I wanted to be a lawyer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they were still proud of you at that point. And then how old were you when you decided you wanted.

[Priya Blunts]

My mom said that I couldn't be a lawyer because why would anybody choose a brown woman as their lawyer when there's all these Jewish men?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Priya Blunts]

Which is valid. And now I do comedy where there's even more Jewish men.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. That's true. And you stand out. You stand out in a pile. Very good, Priya. What else? Anything else we should know about you? Any special skills or talents?

[Priya Blunts]

I roll. I roll a mean blunt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, really? Is your last name really Blunts? No, no. You have a wacky Indian name that you're avoiding.

[Priya Blunts]

It's actually Patel. It's very unwacky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's actually Patel education. It is not even that Indian of a name. I roll a mean blunt.

[D Madness]

I do not sound like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't even sound like that.

[D Madness]

What are you, the Indian? C3PO, for fox sakes. I do not like that. I will roll you a blunt. I will. An old football player.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am. I am D1.3PO.

[D Madness]

Go backstage and oil yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am R2D1. Okay. I love it. So you roll a mean blunt. Very good. Okay, that's good.

[D Madness]

She rolls a mean football player too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, Priya, fun stuff. A great set. We'd love to see more of you. Come back next time you're in town. Sign up again.

[Priya Blunts]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing stuff. We love. How long are you in town for?

[Priya Blunts]

I leave on Wednesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Leave on Wednesday.

[Giannis Pappas]

I used to play college.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I Think might be fun for you. The great bride Brian Simpson hosts an unbelievable show here at the mothership called bottom of the barrel, where the audience decides premises. You pick them out of the barrel, you can have your first actual set here at the mothership tomorrow night. You want to do that?

[Priya Blunts]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bottom of the barrel tomorrow night, Bria Blunt brought to you by Brian Simpson here on the show, the Late show, the 10:10 or 10:30, whatever it is. Priya Blunts, everybody. There she goes. Follower at Priya blunt. And we are down to your final bucket poll of the night. And he goes by the name anything can happen. Goes by the name of Davey Jackson. 60 seconds uninterrupted Davey Jackson. Here we go.

[Davey Jackson]

What's up, Austin? Oh, man, I'm so glad I dressed like a competitive vapor tonight. This is cool. I'm excited. Question for God. If God didn't want me to have sex with down syndrome people. Hang on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Davey Jackson]

If God didn't want me to have sex with down syndrome people, why did he make all their asses so fat? Like, all of them, they're all caked up. Dump trucks on retard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[D Madness]

All of them?

[Davey Jackson]

And I'm not supposed to hit that. What I'm trying to say is I miss my ex. I'm just kidding. My ex was not retarded. She did have ocd, though, which was interesting. I was never annoyed by the ocd. It was inconvenient sometimes. Like, one time we were laying in bed and she was with the light switch, actually. I'm gonna end there, Tony. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you don't want to finish it? I mean, it's all good. The bear's out of the action now if you want to finish it. Okay. She had OCD switch. Go ahead.

[Davey Jackson]

Well, no, we were laying in bed, actually, but I was laying in bed, she was with the light switch, and she flipped this thing like 20, 30 times. And I finally asked her. I was like, hey, are you cool? Is everything good? And she goes, I just feel like if I don't do it right, something bad's going to happen to my whole family. And I was like, yeah, it's me,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Davey Jackson, with an absolutely incredible performance. Amazing. Amazing. This is unbelievably well performed, well written, well executed performance. It's so cool to see that Chris Del has reinvented himself. Unbelievable.

[Davey Jackson]

Seventeen's legal in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Davey, how long you been doing standup?

[Davey Jackson]

About four and a half years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four and a half years? Have you been on this show before?

[Davey Jackson]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

I'm the guy that sold pills.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sold pills.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

For legal reasons, I do not sell pills. Pills anymore. Please stop dming me, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Totally don't sell pills. What kind of pills were you selling before?

[Davey Jackson]

The good kind, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

A lot of, you know, opiates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

A little Xanax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good, very good.

[Davey Jackson]

It goes on babies out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A real full market.

[D Madness]

How many do you have? Any birth.

[Davey Jackson]

Any. Any what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[D Madness]

Birth. Birth control pills.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, birth is short for birth control pills.

[Davey Jackson]

Bct.

[D Madness]

Not real good at what you do there, guy.

[Davey Jackson]

Yeah, I know where to find a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

good pair of stairs pills.

[D Madness]

And this guy doesn't even know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[D Madness]

Put on a lumber jacket. Go suck on the front end of a canoe.

[Davey Jackson]

You know, I've heard that before. Harlan. That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the time he figured out what birth control pills, the fucking baby was born already.

[Davey Jackson]

No, they're all in heaven, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's this stupid thing? It would have been better if I had it on the fucking. That's why I red banned that. Okay, so, Davey, how long has it been since you were on the show?

[Davey Jackson]

Ballpark, like six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six months. Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

Yeah. Last time I talked about being homeschooled in a cult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. There he is. There he is.

[Davey Jackson]

It was that bad?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. Okay, so you were homeschooled, blah, blah, blah. What's been going on since the last six months that you were on the show? You live here in Austin now?

[Davey Jackson]

No, no, I live in San Antonio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

Hold your applause.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's that going?

[Davey Jackson]

I mean, it's cool, man.

[Rick Diaz]

It's.

[Davey Jackson]

It's. It's actually really cool. There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just.

[Davey Jackson]

We have a lot of Latin women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Davey Jackson]

Which I love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do?

[Hans Kim]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were like stabbed by one or something.

[Davey Jackson]

Yeah, Paulie called me out, said he couldn't find the scar, but I got stabbed in the ribs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right. I kind of remember this.

[Justin Hedrick]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And how have the Latina women been treating you lately?

[Davey Jackson]

Oh, amazing, dude. They're all crazy as. Yeah, I like them crazy very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so what type of crazy things have they been doing to you lately?

[D Madness]

Oh, stabbing them in the room.

[Davey Jackson]

One of them got me.

[D Madness]

Why the were you. Did she stab me in the ribs? What provoked that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You told her that she was bad at dancing to Bad to the Bone with Pauly Shore.

[Giannis Pappas]

You told her ass wasn't as fat as a retarded girl and she got upset, Dude.

[Davey Jackson]

A retard Latin boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. That's.

[Davey Jackson]

That's my speed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Davey Jackson]

That's where the extra chromosome goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how you like it. No doubt, no doubt. The old. The old wild chalupa.

[Davey Jackson]

That's my housekeeper's name, actually.

[D Madness]

Chalupa, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very interesting that you have a housekeeper. What do you do for work now?

[Davey Jackson]

I just do coffee comedy and don't. And do not sell pills at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a real dirt ball.

[Davey Jackson]

I've also heard that before.

[Zach Hedrick]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did something happen from the last episode that changed your mind of being so public about you being a drug dealer?

[Davey Jackson]

Yeah, Reddit happened. Reddit and my DMs happened. It was like, like. Your fans are insane, Tony. They're insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're humans.

[Davey Jackson]

I got like 50 dms asking like, hey, hey, can you get me, like, some bars?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

47 of those were probably police officers. You ever think about that? I mean, probably. Yeah, that's probably true, Davey. Very, very, very fun jokes. You drive often from San Antonio to perform here all the time, Every week, right?

[Matt Robertson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because there's not much of a scene there other than lol.

[Davey Jackson]

I mean, there's a. Yeah, lol's great. There's upstage. Comedy Lounge is really cool too. Yeah, there's a couple places.

[D Madness]

Oh, can I circle back to something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

Why did she stab you in the ribs?

[Matt Robertson]

Okay.

[Davey Jackson]

She had gone through my phone and I was. Okay, go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. I'm just a man.

[Davey Jackson]

She went through my phone and she found some text messages that she did not approve of.

[D Madness]

Wow, so you were texting a rib place?

[Davey Jackson]

A ribs place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it wasn't the food. She didn't stab his ribs like the meal. It was his actual body organ.

[D Madness]

Hey, my bad. Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You thought she stabbed his leftover ribs.

[D Madness]

Hey, we are in Austin. You ever.

[Davey Jackson]

Terry Blacks goes hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It goes hard in the paint. If you can make it, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday here.

[Paulie Shore]

I'd love to, man.

[D Madness]

Yeah, Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Thank you so much. You already have a big notebook. I do, yeah. There he goes. Davey Jackson, everybody. Here's some Zippix Energy toothpicks for the great people over at Zippix. Zip more, smoke less. And we've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. How many of you been fans for the show for a long time? Time. Well, then you guys probably know what's about to happen. Hall of Fame member, the record holder for all time appearances on the show and interviews on the show. I present to you the Tijuana Tarantula the Rio Grande Rabble Rouser. The Carolina Caboose, The Memphis Strang, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery,

[William Montgomery]

He sold me pills a couple of nights ago, so I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. Last week, an elderly couple in South Carolina was found dead in their home after the faulty heater in their house reached 1000 degrees. Good thing they died because their utility bill was about to be brutal. They have released the list of men who partied with Jeffrey Epstein. And one of the more surprising names was the paralyzed astronomer, Stephen Hawking. I'm sure the conversation went something like, hello, little girl. I feel nothing in my entire body and my penis doesn't function at all, but I need you to touch it any. Remember when people bragged about having good gaydar? Yeah, I've got gaydar. It's called aids, you idiot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my time.

[Walt Barber]

Thank.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. He did it again. And again and again and again and again and again and again. Unbelievable. 1 minute, 15 seconds from the reigning defending hall of Fame member and legend of the show, icon in every single way, William. Lights out Montgomery. How do you feel, William?

[William Montgomery]

I will be honest with y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[William Montgomery]

I wanted to relapse on cocaine tonight. Corduroy Xavier, who was here earlier. There was a time when I was doing Kill Tony at the Comedy Store and I went back to Corduroy Xavier's place one night after the show and was there till 11am the next day. And at one point in time, I remember thinking, is this guy gonna fucking kill me? But then I thought, wait, maybe he should be scared of me. Maybe I'm about to fucking kill this dude. And I let him. I let it not happen. I let. I. I stopped myself. I didn't fucking kill him. But there was a point in time where I was like, maybe I preemptively need to just fucking strangle his fucking ass before he takes me out. But then I started thinking, Tony, I'm not built for prison. I don't wanna. I can't. I had to stop watching fucking Scared Straight. I was having fucking nightmares about being in prison.

[Rick Diaz]

So.

[William Montgomery]

Tony, I can't even watch Scared Straight anymore, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, I can't even watch Scared Straight up all that. That.

[William Montgomery]

I've been working on that a bunch recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Watch that.

[William Montgomery]

But yeah, Corduroy Xavier and I, we got up on cocaine one night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is back in your heavy drinking. Heavy drug. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

This is probably 2020 maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how much drugs are drinking do you. You think you did that night? If you had to guess, the people know that.

[William Montgomery]

I mean, this is probably a gram of cocaine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there were cameras from San Antonio. Go wild there.

[William Montgomery]

I know that's a bunch of fucking drug addicted pieces of shit down in San Antonio. I wish you didn't even fucking bring up San Antonio, Tony. No, I like San Antonio. But it was. Yeah, it was quite the evening. But it's much better to be on the other side of that, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Here you are absolutely thriving. There were a lot of, you know, people don't remember. There was a lot of sloppy sets back then, a lot of unpreparedness, a lot of a lack of execution and. But I saw something special in you back then. You got to remember. And a lot of people don't remember this. You probably do. But 96% of the fan base hated you, you for a long time.

[D Madness]

Well, look at them.

[William Montgomery]

Are you gonna write me a check tonight? As you've been writing everybody checks tonight.

[D Madness]

How much do you want, kid?

[William Montgomery]

I just need another 175 to get the escalator back to the apartment. I need 75 bucks away.

[D Madness]

Great call. $175. And I've been handing out millions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everyone else, $175.

[D Madness]

Can I ask a question that. It sounds like you have a rich history here. It sounds like very much so. I think I'm trying to think of one question that maybe nobody's ever asked. If you don't. If you'll indulge me, friend.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Have you ever snuck up into the graveyard in the middle of the night, covered your face in gravy and pretended you were a meatloaf monster?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Be honest.

[Walt Barber]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

No, I have. There's a graveyard in Memphis with a stone grotto. And I used to. The stone grotto was where I lived when I was the meatloaf monster.

[D Madness]

Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, like, what would you do to be the meatloaf monster? In what ways was the meatloaf monster different than William Montgomery?

[D Madness]

Guys, I was only around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you'll be surprised. This guy really has a rich history.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's go.

[William Montgomery]

I mean, it would take me sometimes hours to find my way into the stone grotto. And I mean, once I got into the stone grotto in the graveyard, it would take me, I don't know, 30 minutes to get all the meatloaf on my face, all the gravy on my face. I'd have to get everything just right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I mean, it's another 45 minutes to find My way out of the. Out of the grotto and the thing. So. Yeah, it was a time.

[D Madness]

It was.

[William Montgomery]

Took a lot of time.

[D Madness]

Oh, you are. You're just a little darling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is. He used to not be. He used to be a real troublemaker. And then.

[D Madness]

Not now. Now he's a meatloaf darling.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, I know.

[William Montgomery]

I love meatloaf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know at what point, but at some point he got scared straight, so.

[Hans Kim]

Wow.

[D Madness]

It's hard to scare the gay out of someone, but good for you.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you. Thank you.

[D Madness]

Yeah, no, he said it. Scared straight, you said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are so funny. One of my favorites of all time. That's a. That's the best scared straight joke I've ever. Oh, the entire book.

[D Madness]

Yeah, knock yourself out. Go to KFC and get the extra large coleslaw. Ya.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what's crazy? I'm actually a member of Dolphin bank with no numbers.

[D Madness]

No, no, let me read it to you. Little Donny Meatloaf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, anything else that we need to know about you?

[William Montgomery]

Before I was in Rochester this past weekend and I have to say I love garbage plates. I had eight garbage plates. And Tony, I finally had my all brand buds today and I had a large pizza last night as well. I've been on a. I've been on one recently with. Yeah, but yeah, no, I ate the all brand buzz today and I have five times today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, Feeling pretty good right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a lot going on there. What do you have in your hoodie pocket there? What's in the pocket of your hoodie?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, about last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I was asking about the hoodie. Not even the vest, but let's go. What's in the vest?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, no, nothing's in here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nothing?

[William Montgomery]

Oh yeah, no, nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looks like it was stuffed with something. Belly button.

[William Montgomery]

He has an hour rowdy. No, there's nothing in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's in there? You have anything in here? Nothing in your pocket? No. How about your sweatpants stuffed in that front pocket there? Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Well, it's 15 degrees outside. It's a nightmare outside right now.

[Zach Hedrick]

I hate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you get harder when it's cold outside?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do you got in there? You got a little Florida gator in there? Got a little medium red machine? Got a little Tijuana tarantula? Little Raleigh recluse? You got something hiding out in there. You get harder. Okay.

[D Madness]

Did you just do the Pillsbury Doughboy laugh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Looks like you got a roll of cookie dough in your pants. What are we working with down there. William, those sweatpants are very revealing.

[D Madness]

Nothing says loving like an erection in blue track pants.

[William Montgomery]

This was such a mistake to have worn these sweatpants tonight. I was trying to have fun tonight. It was seeming all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mistake at all. I think it's a. I think it's a word out there to anyone who threatens you or, you know, I think it's a. I think it's a brag to your enemies. It appears as though you have one of the largest flaccid penises in the history of the show.

[D Madness]

It looks like a. Looks like a Smurf got hit by a toboggan.

[William Montgomery]

It's not that funny. Funny, dumbass. Oh, my God. Somebody's looking sloppy tonight.

[D Madness]

Oh, holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Giannis Pappas]

He's dressed like he got a call from the police station that his son's in jail and he's got to go bail him out tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a middle of the night attire that you're wearing. Did you get dressed really fast tonight? Were you napping, perhaps? And you had to.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I mean, it's freezing cold outside and we lost power of the apartment and my. I got this little generator thing and it wasn't working, so it's freezing cold. And this is all. This is what I've been wearing for two days. Two days now.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Giannis Pappas]

The sweatpants and those shoes just. Yeah, there's two things that couldn't go together worse than those.

[William Montgomery]

It's not that funny, you idiot.

[Paulie Shore]

God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You like, William? God.

[D Madness]

Looks like you're about to go log rolling at a blueberry festival. And I mean that. I mean that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[D Madness]

And there's a beekeeper behind you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Watch out. Wow. He's actually been a beekeeper on this show before. He's. He was in full beekeeper attire. I have.

[D Madness]

I remember the guy talking about the drummer.

[Matt Robertson]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yep, I see it. Yeah, I see it now. I see it. William. We announced recently that the show is going to the LA Forum and two shows at Madison Square Garden. How does this make you feel knowing that you're performing at some of the biggest, most famous arenas in the world?

[William Montgomery]

I mean, I'm gonna be honest with y' all right now. At the very beginning, when I first tried All Brand Buds, I was like, is this stuff even. Is this stuff for real? And then I found out it was. And then, Tony, I'm hearing the news, Madison Square Gardens. I'm thinking to myself, is this for real? And then I fucking wake up one morning and I'm thinking, holy shit. I don't know. If I'm ever gonna stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Paulie Shore]

You love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Renzi. You bit. Don't look at me like that. William the Great Montgomery, everybody. And we did it again. Harlan Williams has the Harlan highway podcast, available everywhere. Dallas, Texas at Hyenas, February 9th through the 10th. Giannis Papas hour, available everywhere. San Francisco at Cops, February 9th and the 10th. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in and it is unbelievable. Thank you to Gel Blaster Yellow Rose Red Rose, Austin Security Guard Service Hall, Law Firm Ninja Buses Connect, Mobile health and michael laird.threadless.com let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa. Wild William Montgomery. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? The Kill Tony Band. That's Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Michael K. Gonzalez, Matt Muhling, John Dees and D Madness. How about one more time for Giannis Papas and Harlan Williams, everybody? Thank you to everyone. The Mothership. Make sure you over tip your wait staff. We'll see you at the Forum in Madison Square Garden. Check out the Sunset Strip, atx.com if you're ever in Texas.

[D Madness]

Second highest ceilings in the bins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Love you. It.