#650 - BERT KREISCHER - BOBBY LEE - ESTHER POVITSKY

Summary

---

Kill Tony #650 – Detailed Summary

Guests: Bert Kreischer, Bobby Lee, Esther Povitsky
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Date: February 13, 2024
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony is a high-energy, laugh-packed showcase of live standup with renowned guests—Bobby Lee, Esther Povitsky (promoting their upcoming film "Drugstore June"), and a drop-in from Bert “The Machine” Kreischer. True to its chaotic spirit, the episode features roasts, wild crowd work, unique first-timers, and recurring regulars in a whirlwind of brutally honest comedy, celebrity banter, and unscripted moments.

---

Key Segments and Highlights

1. Opening: Welcome and Introductions (02:00–09:00)

• Tony Hinchcliffe kicks off the show, hyping up the energy, with raucous jokes about the crowd and band ("Those cold dead eyes. Jesus Christ. I think I found the Rainey Street serial killer right here.").
• Bobby Lee and Esther Povitsky join the hosts, plugging their movie ("Drugstore June," out Feb 23 in select theaters) and trading playful jabs.
  • Tony: "We're doing arenas; they're doing movies."
  • Bobby, riffing on Tony's sexuality:
    • "Do you ever do gay stuff?" (05:30)
    • Tony: "No, but everybody thinks I have, so I just go with the wind."
• Band: The show's "best damn band in the land" is introduced, plus surprise appearance by Jesse “Jetski” Johnson.

---

2. Hans Kim – The Regular Minute (09:12–13:05)

• Hans Kim delivers a new, punchy minute:
  • Jokes about being Texan but not looking the part; “immigrants cleaning windshields”; and a bondage joke (“paralyzed unless you're into bondage... tied down by God”).
• Memorable Moment:
  • Bobby to Hans: "I never thought there was a filthier gook than me. You’re like my son." (10:41)
  • Tony, roasting Hans: "Not the usual dictator volume in the past. This is a new look." (11:00)
  • Hans discusses sexual habits—“edging” and “letting it sit” for five minutes.
• Panel’s verdict: Hans is killing it; the panel loves his consistency and growth.

---

3. Open Mic "Bucket Pulls": Fresh Faces and Wild Cards

Jason Rodriguez (14:18–22:27)

• Set: Mustache jokes, facial hair community, body of a victim, can’t grow a beard—self-deprecating humor.
• Interview: Works at a poke restaurant (serves mainly techy white people, not Asians), builds furniture, claims 30 push-up ability.
• Memorable Segment:
  • Push-Up Challenge: Spontaneous push-up contest between Jason, Bobby Lee, and eventually Bert Kreischer (who boasts, "Fucking 50 clean, baby!" (20:40))
  • Tony, deadpan on contest: "This is one of the worst podcasting segments of all time. For those listening, people are doing push-ups." (21:18)

Grant Adcock (22:48–31:18)

• Set: Jokes on drinking, mental-handicapped homeowners.
• Interview: Barista at Sunset Strip Comedy Club; girlfriend makes more money; almost died falling from a balcony during pandemic (fractured jaw, fake teeth).
• Panel Feedback:
  • Bobby Lee: "Start with your confidence."
  • Bert Kreischer/Esther Povitsky: Note his quirky Norm Macdonald energy.

Karen Jones (31:49–40:02)

• Set: Riff on drug tests, abortion rights, tying legal “carve-out” logic to wanting marijuana, shocking punchlines about rape/incest ("I love saying rape and incest together. It's like soup and sandwiches." (32:57)).
• Backstory: Notorious for having allegedly stormed the Capitol on Jan 6.
• Bert (joking): "Open with, 'I stormed the Capitol.' That’s like dropping a big dick in an orgy." (36:00)
• She recounts legal troubles, drug testing, and pending court cases for parading and trespassing—a uniquely dark, American story.

Cam Patterson (Regular) (40:40–46:57)

• Set: Story about going to a strip club at 15 with a cousin, sexual coming-of-age, dark family humor.
• Panel Feedback:
  • Bobby Lee: "You killed it, dude." (42:15)
  • Bert Kreischer: "I wish my son was black." (46:24)
  • Jokes about bouncy house businesses (Natron’s post-NFL job) as a comedic aside.

Carlos Lopez (First Time) (48:40–61:33)

• Set: Raw, Texas-flavored humor. "Back part of my dick is more dangerous than the front... my stomach's pressing on you."
• Interview: 29, horse hauler (in 18-wheeler), huge self-deprecating charisma, prison/juvie jokes, chest hair reveals.
• Panel Response:
  • Tony: "This may be the best first-time performance ever."
  • Bobby, Bert, and audience in awe of Carlos's deadpan and quick wit.
• Memorable Role-play: The panel impersonates hitting on Carlos, with quick-witted rebuttals:
  • Carlos: "They call it bumping buckles." (54:24)
  • Panel improvises as women, Carlos never breaks “Howdy” character.

Jack Schwartz & Matilda Epstein (Comedy Couple) (62:11–75:51)

• Jack's Set: Jokes about turkeys blushing, awkward sex appeal, TikTok comments roasting his looks.
  • Bobby Lee: "You're one of the ugliest white dudes I've ever seen, but you're confident and I like you." (64:50)
• Matilda's Set: Girlfriend, called on stage impromptu—riffs on dog's antidepressants, sexually-charged punchlines.
  • After Matilda's strong set:
    • Bobby Lee: "She's better than you. Fuck you, dude!" (71:30)
    • Esther Povitsky: "You guys are a cool comedy couple. I'm impressed. I think this could work." (71:57)

Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket Winner – Regular) (76:35–82:34)

• Set: Absurd musings (Big Bird name bit, toilet humor).
• Interview: DC area, substitute teacher, on the brink of making standup full time.
  • Esther Povitsky: “Never once has that [toilet] joke come [to me]—that's so brilliant.” (79:43)

Reed Conklin (Last Bucket Pull) (83:04–90:23)

• Set: Story about taking a homeless woman home for sex, self-mockery—"She put the ho in hobo."
• Talents: Juggles limes on stage, handstands, whip cracking. Carny/Street performer from Key West, FL.
• Esther Povitsky, after seeing him juggle: "I feel safe now."

---

4. William Montgomery – The Closer (91:44–100:54)

• Set: Jaw-droppingly dark one-liners (Metaverse rape, Indian tech CEO death, 'silence is violence'), signature Montgomery weirdness.
• Interview: Rants about playing "The Last of Us 2" video game, Sumo citrus sponsorship joke, back-and-forth roasts with Redban, and crowd chaos.
• Notable Exchange:
  • Montgomery, riffing on reviews of a Chinese restaurant: “Egg drop soup. That tasted too much like eggs for me, Tony.” (97:29)
  • Tony, responding to a heckle of William: "I love watching Esther’s reaction to the chaos that is William Montgomery..." (99:55)
  • William, deadpan to audience member: "Who knocked your ass up, bitch?... It’s almost my fucking birthday." (100:05)

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• Bobby Lee on Hans Kim:
  • "I never thought there was a filthier gook than me. You're like my son." (10:41)
• Push-up Contest:
  • "The Machine live on Kill Tony!" – Tony, after Kreischer's victory (20:36)
• Karen Jones' Dark Opener:
  • "I love saying rape and incest together. It's like soup and sandwiches." (32:57)
• Cam Patterson’s Stripper Story:
  • "I came twice. It was crazy." (41:44)
• Carlos Lopez's Debut:
  • "You look like bulls ride you and they still can't stay on." – Tony (50:09)
  • "Howdy." – Carlos’s go-to line (multiple, first at 55:26)
• Jack Schwartz’s TikTok Roasting:
  • “Matt Rife with AIDS. Matt Rife if he melted. Ugly Matt Rife.” (64:13–64:18)
• Matilda Epstein Brought Onstage Impromptu:
  • “Now I’m blushing.” – Tony (71:35)
• Reed Conklin’s Closer:
  • “Start fucking the homeless.” (83:57)
• William Montgomery’s Roast Exchange:
  • "I'm almost 37, and the psychic I’ve been going to told me I’m only living...not past 40, so Tony, I think I might just start drinking again." (99:05)
• Esther Povitsky on Tony’s Growth:
  • "I dragged him into Chase and they were refusing to give this man a bank account." (101:29)
  • "Now we’re millionaires, everybody. Isn’t that exciting?" – Tony (101:55)

---

Notable Themes and Vibes

• Comedic Chaos: Surreal, awkward, and sometimes wildly inappropriate moments—classic Kill Tony.
• Push-Up Antics: A physical comedy showcase breaking up the standup flow.
• Banter on Sexuality and Relationships: Repeatedly roasted, riffed, and dissected.
• First Timer Triumphs: Carlos Lopez sets an all-time record for best “never-before-performed” debut.
• Dark Social Commentary: From storming the Capitol, drug testing, to homelessness and failing up—no subject is off limits.
• Meta-ness: Jokes about the show itself, Kill Tony lore, and the podcasting world.

---

Closing Remarks

The episode ends by plugging "Drugstore June," celebrating the comics’ careers, and reflecting on the show's role in discovering and empowering raw comedic talent.
Tony to Carlos Lopez:
"Carlos, I am mesmerized by your unbelievable natural, God-given fucking talent here tonight. If you’re ready for another minute, just let me know when you’re not hauling horses and ready to sling jokes..." (60:36)

Esther cheers Tony and Brian’s career growth, the guests thank the crowd, and the community’s ragtag family vibe is in full force.

---

Kill Tony #650 is a showcase of raucous, unfiltered, hilarious live comedy—fueled by spontaneous moments, genuine surprise, and the infectious energy of both its celebrity guests and the raw, untested talents braving the bucket.

---

For full experience, watch the episode on YouTube and follow the comedians and band for future shows or appearances!

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Sam, This is Red Bay coming to

[B]

you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new

[A]

episode of Count Tony.

[B]

Get up for Tony Hitsclan.

[A]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Oh, shit, here we go again. Hey, look, it's Redman, everybody. We've been doing this show a long time together ten and a half years running, and it is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Who's excited to be here, huh? Brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose hall law firm, Austin security guard service, ninjabuses.com and connect mobile health. Get an IV drip. Save 10% using the promo code kill Tony or Tony 10, something like that. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody? God damn it. Unbelievable, right? This serious. Serial killers excited. I could tell. Those cold dead eyes. Jesus Christ. I think I found the rainy street serial killer right here. Just out in the fucking obvious. Blatant fucking cold dead eyes. Jesus. Guys are all bundled up. Why don't you take your ski jacket off, relax a little bit, sir. Jesus Christ. That's the Peterson brothers joining the band over there, local legends, the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Mat at the mortician Muling on the electric guitar. The leader of the band, John D's on the keys. And let him hear it because that's all he can do. The great and powerful D Madness, everybody. Oh, shit. It is going down tonight. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you here right now. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well, you're in good hands. This is a show that's been booked out for. This is very, very exciting. These are two of our favorite human beings that we have been working with for 17 fucking years at the Comedy Store. Legends of the Comedy Store working fucking icons of the comedy game. And most importantly, our comedy store brother and sister. Let's see how loud this place can get for Bobby Lee and Esther povitzki. Oh, shit. O. Oh, yeah. Look, it's Bobby Lee, motherfuckers. Come on. Show your respect to Bobby Lee, little Esther. He'll scoot down.

[B]

This one's working. Yeah, go over here.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[B]

One more time for Tony Kinski. I'm a big fan.

[A]

It's been years since you guys have been on this show. We're so happy to have you back. Movie together. Drugstore, June, February 23rd in select theaters. They're doing movies. We're doing our podcast in arenas. Everybody's thriving right now. I don't know how I had to bring us back into it, but, you know, movies, exciting. Select theaters, select arenas. We're doing select arenas. Madison square garden. It's not. No, I know it's not. It's not.

[B]

We're both doing good.

[A]

God, I'm so excited to have you

[B]

guys get more girls than me, I think. Well, you get more girls than me.

[A]

Do you get any? Because I get more. I get more. I get more than any.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I also get more dudes than you, so we're even. See that?

[C]

Have you.

[B]

Have you ever done gay stuff?

[A]

No. Oh. But everybody thinks I have, so I just lean. I go with the win.

[D]

Yeah, I know you haven't.

[A]

That's right. Thank you. The gayest stuff I've ever done today.

[B]

And do you believe that Tony would eat her butthole?

[A]

That is true. That is true.

[B]

You talk about it all the time. And she's pregnant, right? Did he not eat your butthole?

[A]

That is true. The old Jewish tunnel.

[B]

So gross.

[D]

Can I.

[A]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. The old stinky dreidel.

[D]

Can I tell the crowd what happened on our first date?

[A]

What happened on our first date? Yes, you can. If it is what I think it is, yes.

[D]

So you came in your pants.

[A]

You did. She made me come in my pants. I was joining 23. I was 23. This is 17 years ago. She was 22. I was 23. They were a very lightweight pair of jogging pants. Unbelievably thin. I was poor. I had no money. They were the thinnest. I used to freeze in those jogging pants.

[D]

Now, I don't want to brag, but you're not the only person at this table who's eaten my ass.

[A]

Uh oh, no, no, no. Uh oh. Uh oh. That's how me and Tony know each other. Would you put a little breadcrumbs down there?

[B]

For him.

[A]

He likes a heavy carb diet. I love it. Well, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. This is a little family reunion up here. Before we explain the show, one more special treat for you. Joining the band in icon of Kill, Tony music history, one of the great jokemeisters of the show. You also know her from the hit podcast Bad Friends with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santin. Make some fucking noise for the Jet Ski. Jesse Johnson. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There she is. You know her, you love her. Coming straight from two sold out arenas here in Austin, Texas. Also in Esther's ass.

[E]

Hey,

[A]

If you guys don't know when Jet Ski says something funny, everybody goes rum ram, ram, ram, ram, ram. It's a thing. So practice, everybody. And it's not juicy, by the way. Oh, there's red. Band's first attempt of the night. There he goes. All right. Hey, there we go. All right, Bobby, Esther, you guys remember how it works. Hundreds of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on tonight's show. They get that uninterrupted. Their chance to make it or break it. You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is back in West Hollywood. He zooms in to growl like that all the way from West Hollywood. It's amazing. Every week, very consistent. I'm going to pre pull a name from this bucket and we're going to chase that person down from the bar next door. In the meanwhile, we will get 60 seconds uninterrupted, a brand new minute from one of the legends of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, a very polarizing figure. This guy, I mean, is the talk of the town right now. I present to you a brand new minute from the great and powerful Hans Kim. Thank you, guys.

[F]

Whenever I travel and I tell people I'm from Texas, no one believes me because I look like this. Everyone thinks Texas is just a bunch of dudes in cowboy hats making tacos for each other. Who do you think paints their wives nails? A lot of immigrants are coming across the border, which is great because my windshield's kind of dirty. And I was thinking of picking up some flowers on the way home. I think it would suck to be paralyzed from the neck down. Unless you're into bondage. Then it's like you're getting tied down by God. He used to be my father. Now he's my daddy. Thank you.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Amazing. Wow. He did it again. A brand new minute, Bobby.

[B]

I mean, dude, you know I'm a fucking fan of yours.

[F]

I have no idea. I didn't know you knew me.

[B]

What the fuck, dude?

[F]

I'm sorry.

[B]

I thought you were from Texas.

[A]

I have no idea. I have no idea.

[B]

No, but, dude, I mean, I never thought that it was a filthier gook than me. And honestly, when I watch it, I

[G]

go, oh, my God.

[B]

That's like. Like you're like my son or something.

[F]

I am your son.

[B]

Like a descendant or whatever. And I like what you're doing, and I'm so. I know your parents are probably disgraced.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

But I'm fucking proud of you.

[F]

Thank you, Bobby.

[A]

Amazing. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Just a little Korean love Mach machine over here. I absolutely love it. Hans, you did it again. Beats and punchlines the whole way through. You got a fresh haircut. Looking great. Not the usual dictator volume in the past. This is a new look. Everything fits tonight. What's going on?

[F]

Thank you, Tony. I don't know, you know, I've had a lot of women criticize me.

[H]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, no.

[F]

In a helpful way. They're like, hey, your wardrobe looks like you're trying to be an old man. And I was like, well, that's not. I want to be a young boy.

[I]

Hans.

[B]

Hans, what's your style in bed? Like, you do power or what?

[F]

I'm like, yeah, power strokes. Just. Just not a lot, but like, just. Oof, you know?

[B]

Pretty good, Pretty good.

[F]

I like to. So I just like to put it in and let it sit.

[B]

So, yeah. Oh, edging. Edging. Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I do the sewing machine

[A]

and you soak it. You do a little mar. Marinated Korean beef in there, huh?

[F]

Little la. Short ribs.

[A]

My goodness. Yeah. Old short ribs over there. What's the longest you've ever just let it sit?

[F]

Probably around like five minutes.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

What?

[A]

That's amazing.

[B]

You're baking your dick.

[A]

My goodness. You have a bun in the oven. He has a bow in the oven. It's incredible. Little Esther, what do you think about the great Hans Kim?

[J]

I thought this.

[D]

You know, I've watched you on previous episodes. This felt really like your timing was good. You weren't nervous. And I liked the joke about the nails. I live in la, so nobody can be racist there. So that was fun.

[A]

And her people know about nails. They're the ones that drove them through. Jesus hands. So. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's fucking go. I love it. It Hans, an amazing minute. A great Way to get the show started. You have to do it every week. It's not easy. There's a lot of people that talk, and you take it like a goddamn champion. As your star power grows, your ninja star power, and you prove the haters to be pieces of every week. Congratulations. The reigning, defending, opening regulator show, Hans Kim, everybody. And like that, everything takes a wild turn. Now we go to the bucket. This is where shit. Obviously, if, you know this show gets crazy, it could be a completely insane person that says crazy stuff. It could be the future of the show. A star could be made, or someone could embarrass themselves. Your first bucket pull of the night is Jason Rodriguez, everybody. These people have been waiting all day in the cold. And here we go. It's Jason Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jason Rodriguez.

[H]

Hey, all right. How's it going? Life good? Cool. Yeah, life's good for me. I have a mustache now. Everyone likes it. Mostly guys. Mostly guys with mustaches love my mustache. There's a whole facial hair community. They're all into it now. It gets weird. One guy with a mustache once, he

[K]

was like, anyone ever say you got,

[A]

like, a pedophile stache? And I was like, nah.

[H]

And he's like, I get that all the time. Like, that's just you. That's probably shaved clout you don't want. Yeah. No one says about me, no one says I have pedophile sides. I think because I have a body of a victim. I think that's why. And people see my face, like, oh, what a creep. They look down, ah, it's an Indian teenager. Never mind. I wish I had a beard, though. A beard seems manly. Like you work with your hands. I look like I work with my hands in like a different kind of like a.

[A]

Was that good form?

[H]

I don't fucking know. I don't know. Who knows? Okay. What else is there? Yeah, I remember my buddies. Oh, I'm done.

[G]

Cool.

[A]

Thank you. There you go. Jason Rodriguez. All right. Very fun.

[H]

My bad.

[A]

Welcome. Have you been on this show before, Jason?

[H]

Yeah, like three years ago.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

You didn't have the mustache back then?

[H]

No. This is a new thing.

[A]

Look at you now. You worked hard for it.

[H]

I did 30 years. Put it in.

[F]

Absolutely.

[A]

Absolutely. It's pretty thick. So you can't grow a beard at all?

[H]

Nope, not at all. This is it.

[A]

It. No. Do you always tuck in one side of your jacket collar like that? Is that, like a trademark?

[H]

No, not at all.

[A]

Okay, look at it.

[H]

Is this better? Now me?

[A]

Yeah. Tuck it back in. I like it.

[H]

I can't do anything.

[A]

I like it like that. You should do that all the time. That could be, like, your thing.

[H]

This is my thing.

[A]

Absolutely. What do you do for work, Jason?

[H]

I work at a poke place.

[A]

A poke place? Yeah, you know. Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Bobby, we know what poke is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because we live on planet Earth.

[H]

Okay, all right, I knew. I knew you did know that for sure, but.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

I.

[A]

He said you do for sure. I don't know. Oh, my goodness.

[C]

Where's the Go

[A]

John D's on the keys back here. Do you get a lot of Asian people in the poke place?

[H]

Actually mostly white people in, like, Teslas and stuff.

[A]

Teslas? Yeah. Okay. Is it a drive in poke place? Are you just keeping an eye on the parking lot?

[H]

I do, yeah. It's a really small shop. You can see their automotive.

[A]

And what do you do exactly at the poke place? Are you slicing the fish?

[H]

Yeah, we slice the fish. We do that in the morning. We put in the bowl, we mix it up, we give them to the guy. That's about it.

[B]

Frozen or do they ship it fresh?

[H]

No, it's frozen. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, yeah.

[H]

We're in the middle of Texas. You can't really have, like, fresh salmon and tuna.

[D]

Would you eat it? Like, is it okay?

[H]

Oh, I eat it every day. All the time. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

I think it's bad for you. If you eat it more than like, 8 ounces, though, you get, like, iron poisoning or some mercury. Mercury, that's it. One of those.

[A]

I don't know. Not iron right now.

[H]

It's in stuff.

[A]

I love it. So you're making poke for a living. How long you been doing stand up?

[H]

Like, six years.

[A]

Six years. What's your love life like? Are you with a. I got a lady.

[H]

Got a girlfriend.

[A]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah, she's cool.

[A]

She's white.

[H]

She camps. Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah. I. Did you meet her at the poke place?

[H]

No, I met her.

[F]

She's like a.

[H]

Like a. Like a door girl at a comedy club.

[A]

So that's pretty cool.

[B]

Competitive to this?

[H]

No, not at all. It's like an improv theater. It's gay or whatever.

[A]

I don't know. Does she do comedy, too?

[H]

No, not at all. Thank God.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, right? And does she like the mustache?

[H]

Yeah, she only knew me. She only knows, like, mustache Jason. That's all she knows.

[A]

Oh, mustache Jason. Yes.

[H]

I'm afraid to shave it. She might, like, cheat on me or something. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, maybe that's the thing. Keeping it all together. I love it. You have any special skills or talents that we'd be surprised to know about about you?

[H]

I can build furniture really fast.

[A]

So you are Latino. That checks out. Indeed. Rodriguez, is there anything that we'd be surprised to know that you could.

[H]

Oh, that's good. The beans. Okay. No, I'm not like a talented person. Kind of a loser, honestly. This is like. I only. I did my talented thing just a second ago. That was it.

[A]

Like, huh.

[H]

I could do like 30 push ups, I think.

[A]

Really?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

You think you can do 30 push ups?

[H]

Yeah. Not. Not in a row.

[B]

I can do 30.

[H]

You can do 30?

[A]

You can do 30?

[B]

I've never done it, but I think I can.

[A]

Let's do it. The old Dirty 30 with Bobby Lee, Jason Rodriguez. 30 push ups. Wait, Jason, you gotta do them too. 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29. He's dead, everybody. He's dead. Oh, my goodness. Welcome to Kill Bobby. Oh, my God. That was amazing. Oh, my goodness. How about a hand for Bobby Lee, everybody? Wow, that was so good, Jason.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. 30.

[B]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,

[A]

8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, my God. The Machine live on Kill Tony.

[B]

Fuck.

[C]

Fucking 50 clean, baby.

[A]

Hell yes.

[C]

Shout out to ways to. Well, testosterone's doing good. Yeah, I don't come anymore, but that's cool.

[A]

Bert the Machine Kreischer is joining the party, everybody. Red band. Do your 30, dude.

[B]

Yeah, I'll do it in VR.

[A]

Oh, catch him doing it in virtual reality, everybody. There you go. Go.

[D]

Should I try?

[A]

No, you're pregnant. You can't do it. We never got Jason to do his. You think you could do 30? Oh, I don't want to do it. This is one of the worst podcasting segments of all time. For those of you listening to the show, people are doing push ups. And Here we go. 1.

[C]

It's not happening.

[A]

3.

[C]

Not happening.

[A]

Oh, he's already slowing up. This is not looking good.

[B]

Does not look good.

[A]

He ain't building my furniture. I'll give him credit. He is going pretty far down.

[C]

You got it?

[A]

Got it. 26, 27, 28, 29, 13. Jason Rodriguez set. Great push ups. You did fantastic. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Yeah. Thank you, Brian. Oh, they couldn't possibly push up your ceiling any higher, Jason. Here's a Kiltoni joke book from the great Bonsai. There's Jason Rodriguez. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Thank you. There he goes. We're gonna watch a comedian.

[C]

I'm ready.

[A]

Let's go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Grant Adcock, everybody. Your next bucket poll. Grant Adcock. Here he is.

[L]

Holy.

[G]

How's it going? You guys drinking tonight? Yeah. Thank you for being here. I love drinking. People actually tell me I drink too much. I tell them all the same thing. I say, you don't even fucking know you're a husbal. Are you guys a couple? Yeah, a couple dipshits. All right, welcome. I read a cool stat. 2023 officially had the highest percentage of mentally handicapped homeowners of all time. Yeah, guys get loud for that. That's a big deal. That's gotta be a tough guy to have as a landlord, right? The fourth of the month comes up, you haven't paid rent, you get a text message. It's just a voice memo from your retarded landlord. All it says is, time to pay the piper.

[A]

All right, 60 seconds from Grant Adcock. Rock solid. Very good. Welcome back. You've been on this show before, correct?

[G]

First time.

[A]

This is your first time?

[G]

First time on the show.

[J]

Okay.

[A]

Good job. Wow. Welcome, welcome. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand up?

[G]

Probably like three, four years.

[A]

Nice. What do you do for work?

[G]

I work at Sunset. Actually, I work. I'm a barista.

[A]

Oh, barista. At Red Bands Comedy Club. Look at that.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Second highest. Highest.

[B]

Never mind.

[A]

There you go. Very good. So you're only making coffee beverages.

[G]

Making coffee. I work three to six every day.

[A]

All right. There you go. That's a good plug for the club. You guys will do anything to get people in there. We have great coffee. The best coffee on 6th Street.

[C]

Like, seriously coveted hours of making coffee. Three to six.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

For all those strippers and comics.

[A]

You know what's cool, though?

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's so that comics can go there and use the mic. If they, like, write a new joke during the coffee hour, they can just go up and try the material out to all these people there. All those people.

[C]

I thought Starbucks had a nail. What you're telling me is there's a coffee shop out there where I can hear their thoughts.

[A]

What's some of the wacky stuff you see go on there between three and sex?

[G]

Yeah. Today I was set. It was yesterday. We were setting up the A frame that says we have coffee.

[L]

Yeah.

[G]

A homeless lady said, you're trying to poison us. Aren't you a fat. And that was the first person I

[A]

talked to that day. So

[C]

once again, there's an open mic at this place.

[A]

That's amazing. That's amazing. I love it. So how old are you?

[G]

27.

[A]

27. Okay. What's your living situation like? You're only working three to six. You're doing stand up. Seems like that's a tough living.

[G]

Yeah, it's at my. My. I live with my girlfriend, so we both. She makes a lot more money than I do.

[A]

Yes. Yeah. No doubt about it.

[G]

Her hands look like this, so mine.

[B]

Can I give him a real, like.

[A]

Absolutely, yeah. Bobby Le.

[B]

I thought you were great. I thought in the beginning you were a little nervous, and as soon as you get your first laugh, I saw you grow into your confidence.

[G]

Oh, thank you so much.

[B]

Start that way.

[G]

Yeah, Start with your confidence.

[C]

I saw. I saw that too. The moment that we've all had that you get your first laugh and you went. You. Your jaw did this. Oh, God.

[B]

Yeah. And you took the mic off the stand. That's what I wanted to see. You were confident, dude. Hey, in the beginning you were, like, timid. It's fine.

[C]

Although I wouldn't open in with the you two are dipshits joke. That's how you alienated a couple. A couple of dipshits.

[D]

Anyway, I thought my. My favorite part was your impression of being drunk. And, like, I would want more of that from you because you're so good at it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

There you go. It is. It's incredible to have Shane Gillis's nephew here on the show. You're adorable. So how old are you? 27.

[G]

27.

[A]

Okay. So, like, what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator?

[G]

Probably an empty pizza box.

[A]

An empty pizza box?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

You just threw it back in there.

[G]

I forgot to take. I forgot to take the trash out Tuesday, so I'm just kind of leaving it there until tonight.

[A]

Does your girlfriend ever yell at you for forgetting to do chores like that?

[G]

She's yelling at me right now, actually. No, I'm not. Yeah, no, she. She's very cleanly, so She's. She doesn't. Yeah, she gets a little upset.

[D]

Why is she paying the rent? Because you don't look like you're good at sex, so.

[A]

That is a really good point.

[D]

You might be. I'm just.

[G]

We split the rent. We split the rent.

[A]

Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom or something that you do to please her? The rent paying woman that cleans up

[G]

after you does a bunch. No. And I need to keep it together, I guess, because that's Yeah, I. I sometimes I try to talk.

[B]

Wait. During sex?

[G]

Yeah. I'll be like, you like that dick or something?

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. That's like a genuine question. Do you like that dick? Do you like that dick?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you like that dick?

[G]

That's how it comes off. It's not really hot.

[A]

So, yeah, you sounded like you were genuinely asking as though you had another dick that you could put in there or.

[C]

You work for the census.

[D]

Am I the only one hearing, like, a Norm McDonald vibe from him?

[B]

A little.

[K]

How many?

[A]

He's a little thick, though. Like Norm McDonald's. I love it. Any other crazy, fun facts about you, Grant, at. That we'd be surprised to know about your entire life or anything like that?

[G]

Yeah, it was actually. I fell off a balcony when I was 23, and I. I landed on my head, and it was during the pandemic, and that does not explain it. Yeah.

[A]

What were you.

[C]

Yeah, because we were all climbing balconies during the pandemic. As a matter of fact, that's the one time no one climbed a balcony. We just stayed in our house. But, yeah, you're seeing who else is

[G]

in other houses as we were having a little pandemic party, which wasn't, you know, I paid the price. Yeah. I was dancing on a balcony by myself and I fell off.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[G]

I was even more top heavy at the time and just went head over heel and fucking. I was in the hospital for a month.

[A]

Wow. What did they diagnose?

[G]

I had a little brain bleeding, but I didn't have to get performed, and I broke my leg. Fractured my joint job.

[A]

You landed on your head and your leg at the same time?

[G]

My leg. My leg broke, and that kind of took the majority of the impact, and then my face went off the concrete.

[A]

Did you fall backwards or forwards?

[G]

Forwards and just kind of tipped over.

[A]

You did like, a full 360. Landed on your leg. Broke it, Broke it.

[G]

And then my face hit. So I had. All these teeth are fake.

[C]

I was wondering that. I swear to God, I was wondering that. I was like, he's got a good smile. Is that why she's with him? Your teeth do not match your shirt.

[A]

That is true. That is a great, great observation.

[C]

When they pulled him out of a coma, the doctor diagnosed him with. Looks like you're too legit to quit. I'm sorry.

[A]

I love it. Well, Grant, your first time on the show, a great minute. You're leaving with a big Kill Tony joke, and I'd love to have you on the secret show.

[G]

Thank you so much.

[A]

The barista is hitting the big stage on a Thursday night grant ad getting a paid gig. All right. I pulled another name out of the bucket. Gonna keep things moving along. I wonder if this is who I think it is. Make some noise for your next comedian, Karen Jones, everybody. It is. Yep. All right. This is actually one of the legends of the show. Here she is, Karen Jones. Wow.

[J]

What happened to a woman's right to choose? I understand why everyone's worked up about it. I had to take a drug test today and I'm thinking, how come I don't get to choose smoking weed? Why is it only limited to reproductive things? And then I thought of the caveat. Well, some people are okay with abortion as long as it's medically necessary or in the case of rape or incest. So I'm thinking that should be a carve out for everything I want to do. Well, I'm sorry, but you know, rape and incest. Gonna get a face tattoo. It's medically necessary. Cause I don't have eyebrows. These are my only tattoos on my forehead.

[A]

Forehead.

[J]

So they were medically necessary. And I was a victim of rape and incest. I love saying rape and incest together. It's like soup and sandwiches.

[A]

All right, Karen Jones, little rape and incest. Okay. Karen, Karen, Karen. Where do we begin?

[J]

What? With an apology.

[A]

You want. You want an apology from me?

[J]

No, not. I'm kidding. Yeah, I. I got Sanjay guptaed.

[A]

What does that mean to you?

[J]

Oh, I'm sorry. Cnn.

[A]

Okay.

[J]

Oh, no, I was listening to.

[A]

What does that mean to you?

[J]

Oh, I'm sorry. This drug test. You know what the drug test means? It means I can't take drugs. And if I can't take drugs, I can't sleep. So I'm like super tired right now. But I didn't want to miss a Monday day.

[A]

But I love it.

[J]

Ask me another question, Tony.

[B]

So you just basically talked about your day.

[A]

Karen looks like she could have used the coffee between 3 and 6pm I could have.

[D]

I could have.

[J]

It was rough. All right, I. I don't expect an apology. I think you have been nothing but wonderful and provided great opportunity for me and other people.

[A]

But why would I apologize?

[J]

Because that stupid newspaper and in your interview on the Rogan show, they were just. Joe Rogan was reading what the paper wrote. That I stormed a line.

[A]

Is that when I was on an episode of Rogan? I talked about how you got in trouble for storming the Capitol on January 6th. No, so she's been on this show before. Let me catch you all up real quick. She's been on this show before long interview. We were having so much fun, and I finally let her go after a long interview. And she goes, but, Toni, that's not even the most interesting thing about me. I go, well, what is? And she goes, I came on the show. That's not what you said.

[J]

No.

[A]

She goes, I stormed the Capitol on January 6th.

[C]

There's a newspaper article about me.

[J]

I said that. The newspaper accused me of that.

[A]

Right. And you said you can neither confirm nor deny that you were in Nancy Pelosi's office on that day.

[K]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[J]

I can deny that. But anyway,

[A]

a patriot, someone said. There she is. This is it. Welcome to Texas, folks.

[J]

Yeah, it's crazy that I. I could get drunk right now, but I can't smoke weed.

[A]

But why? Why are you being drug tested?

[J]

Because I trespassed. Allegedly.

[A]

Allegedly. The Capitol on January 6th, is what they're saying.

[C]

Does anyone feel like they slid into her Instagram thread and is just reading, I can't. Rape and incest. I stormed the Capitol. I would have opened with storm the Capitol. I am so shocked I'm standing next to one of them.

[A]

It's like, you should be.

[C]

You guys are like great white sharks. We never see you.

[A]

Exactly. That's right. Exactly. Exactly.

[C]

Open with, I storm the Capitol.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And that is like dropping a big dick in an orgy.

[K]

Yep.

[C]

Everyone's like, hold on, someone's talking.

[A]

It is true you beat around the bush here, but, like, everybody wants that fucking thunder. So keep us posted. What's been going on with that? So we mentioned it on Rogan, then they charge you with something after that?

[J]

No, the story is exactly upside down. I was arraigned on December 14, but I knew I was being arrested because they're very public that they're going to arrest everybody. And so I came on here so you guys would know more truth about it, not just see that crazy, violent loop, that it was mainly the old ladies that stand with flags in front of vet halls.

[H]

What?

[A]

No, no.

[C]

Let her go. You're right. You were missing. You're misunderstood. Keep going.

[B]

We saw the wrong footage.

[A]

That. That is exactly right.

[B]

That's what you're saying.

[D]

Wait, I have a question. When. When they tried to arrest you for storming the Capitol, did you just say, like, rape and incest?

[J]

That's a good one. I. I should have used it. I wish. I wish I. My feet like that.

[A]

That was good.

[J]

But they didn't try and arrest me. They. They said they were issuing arrest warrants. I knew it was coming, so I came and put my name in the bucket and blah, blah, blah.

[A]

You came and put your name in the bucket here?

[J]

Yes.

[A]

Right. Okay. So why are they drug testing you? And for how long does that last?

[J]

I don't know. It's supposed to be random, but I went in Friday, then I dialed the number. I had to go in again today.

[A]

So what happens if you smoke marijuana? What happened? Did they tell you what happens if you fail a drug test for storming the Capitol? Is this what they did to the people? Like, all right, you just can't smoke pot for a few months?

[J]

No, no, no, no. It's on or. And it's the conditions of my release that I have to do drug tests and be monitored and. Four misdemeanor, two, trespassing. One. This is my favorite one, the parading.

[A]

Oh, they call it parading.

[J]

That's the third charge. And the fourth one is interfering with government or something.

[A]

Or something.

[J]

They're all misdemeanors.

[C]

She's balls dead accurate on parading. But the heavy. The felony, she.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

It's like trying to kill. I don't know.

[A]

Wow. But you don't know when it ends. You don't know what the.

[J]

No, I know my next date is March 5th, and then that. I don't know what the process is. You just keep going to court, paying lawyers, and showing up so you stay out of jail.

[A]

Like a patriot,

[J]

apparently.

[C]

Hey, if you guys had done it properly, like Lennon did, as the same fucking shit. Read history books.

[A]

So let me ask you this. Is there anything that you would have done differently on that day, in retrospect, on January 6th?

[J]

Well, in retrospect, I wouldn't have asked my husband if he wanted to go in.

[A]

You're the. You're the one that kind of led you two in there.

[J]

Well, he had never been before.

[A]

Well, there was a lot of people that haven't been inside the Capitol during business hours.

[J]

No, it's. It was the middle of the day, and it was the backside of the entrance, and everybody coming out looked nice and happy.

[A]

They're wearing the same thing I was wearing. They're, you know, red, white, and blue and.

[J]

No, this is what I was wearing. You can look at the pictures on my face for it. Yes, I was wearing. This is my fleece. Allegedly. Well, no, there's pictures of me in this Hell.

[A]

Yeah. I love it. Represent. Make America gray again.

[C]

Again.

[J]

I'm tired.

[A]

Okay, well, Jesus, get out of here then. There she goes. Karen Jones, everybody. She's tired. There she goes, everybody. All right. Yeah, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go to one of your regulars, everybody. A legend of the game. I present to you a brand new minute from the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[M]

I was. I was thinking about a traumatizing thing that happened in my life, and one of them was, I was 15 years old, I went to my first strip club, and the person that took me was my cousin. They Natron. Now, whoever you see when I say Natron, that's that nigga, dawg. My uncle looked at his newborn baby boy, was like, mm, Decepticon. That's crazy as fuck, dawg. He gonna be two things in life, an NFL player or a prisoner. And they trying was both.

[C]

So

[M]

right when he got his first NFL contract, it was. He took me to the strip club, and I'm gonna tell y' all some real shit in the strip club. Like, a 15 year old in that strip club was not a good place for anybody. And the strippers were so excited to see me. They was very happy to see me. And they was doing a whole bunch of sexual shit to me, but, like, in a childish way, like, they were, like, blowing raspberries on my dick.

[B]

Like, you such a cute little nigga.

[M]

I came twice. It was crazy. That's my time.

[A]

I appreciate it. Wow. Wow. W. Yeah. Yes. One of the great regulars of the show with a brand new minute.

[B]

Can I say something?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I was at the Improv in Hollywood. We did a show together.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I didn't know who you were. I'm sorry. Right? But I was like. I asked the people around, I go, who is this guy? He's from Kill Tony. So I stayed to watch you fucking rock that house. You were also. You're also the last guy you had to follow heavyweights.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You killed it, dude.

[M]

Thank you so much.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[I]

So

[B]

see what happened. Touch black people.

[M]

Now the funniest part, somebody in the crowd, you bring me up. They just yell, gang violence. You like?

[E]

Yeah.

[M]

He's black.

[B]

Yeah, he's black.

[A]

Yeah, I do know that.

[M]

How you know he was black? That's crazy.

[A]

This is the first we're hearing of Natron.

[M]

Yeah, yeah, my cousin Natron.

[A]

My goodness. Hell yeah. It's amazing. You have so many of these references and stories. I've never heard of Natron before. Does he live in.

[M]

I live live in Temple. Where he live in Temple.

[C]

Tampa.

[A]

Tampa. Okay.

[C]

I grew up in Tampa and I know black guys from Tampa.

[A]

I thought for sure he was saying temple there. I thought maybe he was at a Jewish synagogue of some kind. But no, Tampa is where Natron lives. What's Natron up to nowadays? What does a guy like Natron do for a living?

[M]

He doing good, man. He own like a bouncer bouncy house business right now.

[A]

Bouncy house.

[C]

So a lot of money in that. There's a.

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

There's a lot of money in that. Yeah. Cuz you buy it and then you pay dudes 50 bucks a day to set it up and it's you to buy. It's cheap and you can rent it out for 500 bucks a day. It's a good business. It's a really good business.

[A]

Wow, I didn't know Bert was in the bouncy house business.

[C]

I had two dog. I still have them, but I have two daughters. Zakaria. Great deal for a day. You ren one of those balance, especially the wet, the slip and slide one that.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[M]

Yeah, that's 750.

[A]

750 extra.

[M]

Extra for the water. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I would love it if you would include the bouncy house stuff packed. That's really good.

[A]

Hell yeah. Yeah, you can add that to the Natron stuff. And you and him have been close for a long time. Hell yeah.

[M]

Well, he like. He likes like my cousin. Cousin.

[A]

So your actual cousin? I do believe that means.

[C]

Wait, wait, that's. That's what that means?

[M]

Yeah, he my real cousin's cousin. I mean I knew my whole. I knew my whole life.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

So like when you. When, when he says cousin, that could mean a friend of more than like a year. But if it's a cousin cousin, that means that it is your uncle or aunt.

[M]

Child, that's my first cousin. Cousin's cousin.

[A]

What? Whoa. That's his second cousin, right? Yep. Bobby was right.

[C]

They don't get to say dad, so they say cousin a lot.

[B]

That's good.

[G]

That's good.

[C]

That's not cool, but that's hilarious. Thank you.

[I]

Thank you.

[C]

That's what it is. I take that appreciates it coming from you. You're funny.

[A]

As is Natron's dad in his life.

[H]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Yeah. He's didn't bounce.

[B]

No.

[A]

What's a real cousin then? Like if you were to say like a real cousin.

[M]

My first cousin. Not my cousin, that.

[A]

My cousin.

[C]

Red, you're Joe Rogan's producer. Producer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You man.

[C]

Oh, I want to Take this kid on the road with me.

[A]

Yeah, he's amazing.

[C]

God, you're funny as. You're funny as.

[A]

He is a fucking killer on the road. You just worked with Shane Gillis this weekend for the first time. Yeah.

[M]

Yeah, that shit was fun.

[A]

Yeah, right?

[M]

We was in Peoria, in St. Louis. That shit was crazy, dawg. Yeah, it was a good time. I saw snow for the first time. Hell, yeah. I was frolicking and shit. It was crazy.

[A]

You were frolicking?

[M]

I was frolicking, nigga. I was finna make a snow angel, but I got down, it was cold as shit, so I got up. But it was. It was fun, dog. I really enjoyed that shit, man. It was a good time, bro.

[A]

Hell, yeah, that shit was fun, bro.

[C]

One more bad joke. When black guys make a snow angel, do you make it like this?

[M]

If you didn't get it, that's supposed to be a dead body.

[C]

I fucking love this kid.

[A]

He's amazing. I'm telling you.

[C]

I wish my son was black.

[M]

You could adopt me, nigga.

[A]

My dad can't spel. An absolute superstar, an absolute sensation. We love you, Cam. You're a.

[B]

You're a star, dude. You're a star.

[A]

Yeah. Big stuff happening all the way around. One of the best top young rising comedians in the world. One more time for Cam Patterson. Boom. Did it again. Go ahead. All right, Bobby's going to go pee pee real quick. And we're bringing up somebody from the inside, everyone. So this is one of your people, one of your representatives. They are inside the audience. That usually means it's a first timer. We'll see what happens. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everybody. Let's see, we have movement on a Carlos Lopez. Lopez. Is that Carlos. Is this Carlos, the big guy in the middle? Oh, yeah, here he comes. Every. Oh, no. That's a guy going to the bathroom. Anybody see a Carlos Lopez? Nothing. How's that possible? What? Whoever that is yelling from the back, come tell a producer. The great Liz Splat coming in with some information. Hey, look at this creep. That's not Carlos Lopez. All right, here he is. Taking a long time, everybody. Perhaps more tired than Karen Jones right now. He might be. We having fun out there. One more time for Carlos Lopez, everyone.

[I]

Well, The back part of my dick is more dangerous than the front. Not because it's big or nothing, but that means my stomach's pressing on you. It gets hard to breathe. So I haul horses for a living. And I found myself up in Chicago making friends with thugs like one should. And I was deep in the conversation before I realized I don't think smoking pigs in Chicago is the same as South Texas. Gang. Gang. Thank you.

[A]

Wow. A real Texas gentleman, Carlos Lopez making his Kill Tony debut. Am I correct?

[I]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Wow, look at you. Nice calm swagger. I mean, nervous as. Wow. I wouldn't be able to guess. You seem cold, calculated, and under control. You got the belt buckle representing the rock solid hat. I mean, you look like bulls ride you

[I]

and they still can't stay on.

[A]

Goddamn right. I don't think anybody's lasting eight seconds on that. Wow, look at you, A real man. Holy God damn. This is absolutely incredible. How do. How does one become as manly as you

[I]

just grew up in South Texas, I guess. I don't know. Even the women are manly down there.

[C]

Some of the.

[I]

The women are some of the toughest young men you ever meet.

[A]

Carlos, you're funny as hell. How long you been doing standup?

[I]

It's my first time ever.

[A]

No way. No way, no way. No way. That this very well may be the best firsttime performance of anyone ever in the history of the show. We've debuted so many comedians here, so many first times. This is incredible. How long have you been planning for this in your head?

[I]

Probably since I was a kid.

[A]

Wow. How old are you?

[I]

29.

[A]

Oh, my God. You're 29. Holy.

[I]

Hey. But I like. I'm 16. I look 46.

[A]

Wow. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. You are a machine. This is unbelievable. And you haul. You haul horses?

[I]

Haul horses for a living? Yesterday.

[A]

Wow. So, like the little horse carriage things with the horses? No. You're saying no already a haul horses

[I]

like in a big truck in 18 Wheeler.

[A]

Wow. Oh, I think I hear them now.

[I]

No, that's my ex wife.

[A]

Oh. Oh. Carlos Lopez is a natural dude.

[C]

This is an epic first time on stage, brother.

[A]

This is really something else for a first timer. I mean, this is exactly what the show is built for. Someone like you. Absolutely amazing performance. Have people always told you that you're a funny guy?

[I]

Only in prison.

[A]

Were you in prison before?

[I]

No, no, just Juvia. I never went back after juvie.

[A]

What did you get put in juvie for? Oh, yeah, that's the head tilt that says a goat. That for sure. That's a goat head tilt if I've ever seen one.

[I]

Hey, you're the one. This goat. I'm just wearing the boots.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[I]

It was a. A cuma.

[A]

I love.

[I]

That's my stage name.

[A]

I love it. All right, all right.

[E]

Red.

[A]

Red. Band's Going crazy over here. He's very excited. Horses and trucks and. Oh, he's going making noises with his mouth for the first time up here. Oh. Didn't know you could do a horse walking impression like that. Oh, my. There you go. Very good. Okay, so tell us some more about the life of Carlos Lopez. What else have you been doing?

[I]

I've been hauling horses since I was, like, 21.

[A]

Yeah, hauling horses in the oil field before that. You were in the oil field? Look at you. Oh, my God. Goodness. You are just a real man. You. You have a lot of chest hair.

[I]

I do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got all the taco meat. Hold on.

[A]

Oh, my God. Look at that.

[I]

Oh, I've been growing it since I was a little girl.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[F]

Wow.

[G]

Tony is at love.

[A]

I am no sh. In everything. I am. I really am. I want to. I want to get on top of the old Brokeback mountain over here.

[I]

Well, looking for you. This ain't a mustache. It's a saddle.

[A]

Oh, well. Well, you know what? Well, you know what I think. I think we could trade belt buckles tonight. You know what I'm saying?

[I]

I ain't bumping buckles. I'm sorry, but.

[A]

Wait, What?

[I]

They call it bumping buckles.

[B]

That.

[A]

That's right. That's right.

[I]

With a buckle bunny.

[A]

Absolutely. Let's fucking go.

[C]

Wait. Can I ask you a really a tactical question? I just have always wondered this. When you're driving horses and you stop short, do they all fall?

[I]

Yeah, they'll fall, break their legs and stuff. You got to be real careful.

[C]

I think that all the time.

[I]

Yeah, me, too. That's why when people cut me off, I pull my gun out so they don't do it again.

[A]

Wow.

[I]

Allegedly. Alleged.

[A]

Has that ever happened? Have you ever had to stop, like, really hard?

[I]

Mainly on the Florida torn pack. Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

My goodness.

[I]

Those people don't know how to drive in Florida.

[A]

Now, let's talk about your love life. Because, seriously, you seem like you could walk up to any woman in the world and have a chance at stealing them away from a man. Do you have any special, like, lines that you say with women or something like that?

[I]

Howdy.

[A]

Oh, that's it. That's all day. I just came in my pants for the first time since my first hangout with little Esther.

[C]

I feel like he's got an answer for everything.

[A]

He does.

[C]

Let's be the woman hitting back on him. I want to see how quick he is.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Who should be the woman here? I'm very excited about this I'll do it.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it.

[A]

I like acting, if you know what I mean. Oh, my God. Look at that thing he just did with his hair. You are a. How you doing?

[I]

Oh, you're asking me?

[C]

Always playing hard to get.

[D]

That was cute.

[B]

Hi, Patty.

[A]

Ah.

[I]

Do you come here often or. You wait till you get home.

[A]

He's too good, you know, My boyfriend's out of town. I was wondering what maybe we. Maybe you'd come back to my place and.

[I]

Howdy.

[C]

Hey, Bobby. Welcome to this improv. I'd like to introduce you to her Asian friend, Bobby.

[B]

Oh, are you doing a scene?

[A]

Yeah, we're all heading on.

[C]

Okay.

[I]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

What do I play? What do I play?

[A]

You're going to be Asian chick. Yeah. You're going to be an Asian chick. And.

[B]

I got it.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Have you ever had sex with an Asian chick before?

[I]

No, but I heard the crippled feet look better behind the ears.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

My mom does that.

[C]

I remember.

[A]

What is happening? God damn it. Holy shit.

[I]

Sorry, Mom.

[B]

Lord.

[I]

I'm sorry, Bobby. I didn't mean that.

[B]

It's all right, man.

[C]

Wait, you played the Asian, he'll play the redneck.

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I hear. I just said you can. You do an Asian accent.

[I]

No, no, no.

[C]

Yeah, you can.

[B]

Yeah, you can.

[C]

Yeah, you can. We all can.

[H]

Okay.

[C]

You get a free pass. You get a free pass.

[B]

You get a free pass for me. Where's Hans at? Where's he? He said good. He said good. Just repeat. H.

[I]

I sound like goddamn Motorola. Hello, Moto.

[B]

Hello? Mar.

[E]

Wife.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Hello. My name is who?

[B]

My name is who? My name is who?

[I]

Oh, I thought you were telling me.

[A]

Repeat after me.

[I]

Oh, fucking say it.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

My name is.

[I]

My name is Su.

[B]

Carlos. Carlos.

[A]

Very good. That's very good.

[B]

Now you're canceled.

[A]

That's amazing. If you would have. If you would have made me guess which bucket pool storm the capital, I would have guessed you, Carlos. It turns out you weren't there. You were hauling horses on January 6th. Doing what you do. You do that like five days a week. Is that a full time job?

[I]

Yeah, I stay out on the road by a month. Couple weeks.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. Incredible.

[I]

I was just on Sunset Boulevard. I hauled horses from Sunset Boulevard the other day.

[A]

Wow. What are you doing with horses on Sunset Boulevard? Where? There's a little.

[I]

Their little farm there. I picked a horse up from.

[B]

Wow.

[I]

I've hauled horses anywhere and everywhere.

[A]

Saddle Ranch. Bobby Lee. Hi.

[B]

I just want to let you know I was taking A And I ran into your wife. She watched, but she, she said, get Bert off the stage because you guys are on a date and she's really mad.

[C]

All right, I'm leaving. All right, so she's not mad. But. But we are on a date.

[A]

We are on a date. I got fun,

[C]

Bobby.

[A]

Bert Kreischer, everybody. We love you, Bert. Thank you so much for swinging by, catch him on tour absolutely everywhere, doing fucking football stadiums and the whole damn thing.

[B]

Well, me, Tom and Bert are gonna do a huge show soon, so you'll see.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

It's gonna be great.

[F]

I'm opening.

[A]

I love it. Carlos, I am mesmerized by your unbelievable natural, God given fucking talent here tonight. I think you're putting on a clinic for being yourself and owning the moment. And

[I]

I appreciate that.

[A]

I'm just going to put it to you this way. If you next time you're ready for another minute, I'm just going to have you back when you want. So you just let me know when you're done hauling horses and ready to sling some more jokes. We'll be waiting for you. This is the very rare big joke book on a first time performance. He popped his cherry. Carlos Godamn Lopez has entered the kill Tony universe. A true gentleman. Thank you, Carlos. Carlos. Absolutely. How about one more time for Carlos Lopez, everyone?

[B]

It was cool.

[A]

That was amazing.

[B]

You know what, dude? I just saw how important the show is. That's great, dude. You just made his day, dude.

[G]

His life.

[B]

Yeah, he's in cloud nine now, dude.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Amazing.

[A]

Thank you.

[M]

Amazing.

[A]

Thank you. Aren't you glad you came? And no. Pulled another name out of the bucket. As you've seen tonight, anything can happen. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jack Schwartz, everyone. Jack Schwartz drugstore June out February 23rd in select theaters. Jack Schwartz.

[B]

Hey,

[E]

I just wrote that. That's new. Okay, you guys want to hear some fun facts?

[N]

Okay.

[E]

Fun fact, turkeys can blush. Isn't that cute? Another fun fact. I'm pretty sure scientists are flirting with turkeys, bro. Why do we know that? How did that experiment happen? It's just some dude walking up to a bunch of turkeys. He's like, Turkeys are like, oh, my God, stop. I can't with you. Oh, that's where that experiment ends. I don't want to hear more. I don't want to hear a month from now. Fun fact, turkeys put out, bro. You can fuck turkeys. A lot of people say turkey's a dry me, not when I'm done with it.

[A]

Jack Schwartz, welcome to the show. Jack.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

This is your first time on correct? It is.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Absolutely. You are the opposite of Carlos Lopez. We went from a real man to a little boy. How old are you? Thank you. I'm 30. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Literally. Literally the opposite. Yeah. Isn't that. It's like the same age as car. What did he say? 29. Oh, my God.

[E]

I'm older than that guy, my dad, who just.

[A]

You're older than that grown man that was just on.

[E]

He left on a horse in that. Like, I saw him do it.

[A]

That is.

[E]

It was crazy.

[A]

Incredible. Yeah. You look like you're Matt Rife's opener or something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

I got a lot of those loaded up, ready to go, to be honest. You want to hear some of my TikTok comments? They're rough.

[A]

What?

[B]

Just.

[A]

I get that a lot.

[E]

Matt Rife with aids.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Matt Rife if he melted. Things like that.

[A]

A lot of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

It feels good. Ugly. Matt Rife. Nice.

[A]

There you go. Yeah, yeah. We need those, too, Esther.

[D]

I know. I also am getting, like, an Andy Samberg vibe from you a little bit, in a nice way.

[E]

Jewish.

[D]

Yeah. It started like, I didn't want to like you because you look handsome and, like, people are nice to you, but it. It was. That was good. It was good.

[A]

Wow.

[L]

Thanks.

[A]

I think mostly that was amazing.

[B]

You're one of the ugliest white dudes I've ever seen.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Thank you, baby.

[B]

Can you say something right now, dude? Know what I like about you?

[E]

What's that?

[B]

You're confident. What? You didn't get a laugh before the act out, but you committed to the act out. You know, that whole part, Right. And that's when I knew. I was like, you know, I'm comfortable with this guy. The bit was clean, too, which I like.

[H]

Dude.

[B]

It was clever. I was. It's sexual at the end a little bit, but I thought it was cute and I thought it was good. And I think I like you, man.

[E]

Thank you very much.

[A]

I love it. How long you been doing? You're killing. You're doing great. How? You gave yourself a standing ovation. It was incredible.

[E]

This is your big moment, bubby.

[A]

How long? Whoa, whoa, whoa. The whole thing gets turned around. There he goes. He it up once. A gong.

[H]

What?

[A]

He wants a gong. There you go. Two gongs don't make a right. All right. So, Jack, how long you been doing standup?

[E]

About four years.

[A]

Four years. You have any special skills or Talents that would surprise us.

[E]

I was a paramedic for, like, six. Six years.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

People don't like to hear that at shows, but yeah.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Jesus. Relax. This is white. I guess that means white paramedic. What's the craziest thing you saw while being a paramedic?

[E]

Oh, God.

[A]

That.

[E]

Some of that's not as funny, to be honest. But I will say one time a woman. Okay, I. I showed up on scene, and this guy had a. Like, one of those retractable car. Car antennas shoved through his neck, like, just missing his jugular there.

[A]

Whoa.

[E]

And we were talking to him for, like, 20 minutes, and his wife's there, and she's, like, in a panic. She's like, this is crazy. And eventually I'm like, we're like, who stabbed you? And he goes, it was this. He points to his wife. So I was like, oh, cool.

[A]

Wow. Yeah.

[E]

That was like, my third day.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Was the radio still playing? Is the reception good?

[E]

Yeah, he'll be. Opened his mouth and the Friends theme song came on.

[A]

It was crazy. All right, very good. What else about you would we be surprised to know? Jack Schwartz, are you Jew?

[E]

I am Jew.

[B]

Okay, that came out wrong.

[E]

No, I think it was perfect.

[A]

Are you Jewish, Are you. What? How Jewish are you?

[E]

Like, not, like, I'm atheist, essentially, if that meant. You know what I mean. But, like, I eat, like, capers on.

[A]

Okay. All right. I don't know if this audience got about 45% there.

[D]

Yeah. Capers. I don't understand where that factors in.

[E]

It's a Jewish thing.

[J]

It's not.

[A]

You don't think of it?

[B]

No.

[E]

Okay, well, my dad lied, I guess.

[M]

I don't know.

[D]

Are both your parents Jewish?

[E]

My mom is half Jewish. My dad's full Jewish, and I was never mitzvahed, so being Jewish is more like a 70%.

[D]

That's what my baby will be, so that's good to know.

[E]

Congratulations, by the way.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Your baby's gonna end up like this, up here talking about turkey business. What's your love life like?

[E]

I'm in a relationship.

[A]

Okay. And what does she do?

[E]

She's a comic.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

She does the show?

[E]

No.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

She's in the waiting area hoping to make it up, and it doesn't seem good.

[A]

She signed up.

[E]

She did? Yeah.

[A]

Okay. What's her name?

[E]

Matilda Epstein.

[A]

Matilda Epstein. Go grab Matilda Epstein. I've always said that I've wanted an Epstein on this show before. I've never gotten one. They're going to go grab Her. Okay. How long have you two been together?

[E]

Like, three years.

[A]

Three years. How long has she been doing stand up?

[C]

About.

[E]

About the same. Like, within a month.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's not going to work. I'll tell you why. Because when comics get together, right, Once one starts blowing up, it just. There's friction. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

So also, it's hard one. Only one person can be the star. You don't want two stars.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Sorry.

[E]

Oh, she's like. She's like, really pretty. And I'm just like, what the. I just kind of feel like if it was one of us, you know? Okay, that's too sad. It's not funny. But, you know, we'll see.

[A]

Wow. Is she related to Jeffrey Epstein?

[E]

I. I don't really. I don't know.

[K]

Never asked.

[E]

I don't ask. I've just been waiting.

[A]

You've been with her for three years. You never popped the question.

[E]

Well, you just kind of wait for a vacation opportunity that hasn't come. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, I mean, that would have been my first question to Matilda. Is she related to the famous Epstein

[E]

that probably, like, at some point.

[A]

Everybody talks about every day, but maybe not. Is Epstein a very popular Jewish last name?

[D]

It's.

[A]

Yeah, I know the Steen is. But I don't know if the app.

[D]

No, they're out there.

[A]

Yeah, they're out there under tunnel, like in tunnels and stuff like that. There you go. There you go.

[D]

There's good Epstein and there's good Weinstein too. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Topical.

[A]

I like it. Yep. The Berenstein Bears, we love them. Shell Silverstein. There you go.

[G]

Is she ready? Where is she?

[A]

They're grabbing her. They're grabbing Matilda right now. Are they ready?

[B]

Let's bring her out.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted. Stand in front of the drums over there. Take a step that way. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kiltoni debut of Matilda Epstein, everybody. Here we go.

[B]

She's hot.

[A]

60 seconds uninterrupted from Matilda. Come on, make some noise, everybody. Hi.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Hi.

[D]

Oh, hi.

[A]

Oh, my God. Hi.

[N]

I don't know anyone here. You look great. Oh, yeah, I guess I know him. My friend's dog ate all of my antidepressants recently, so I'm doing really well. Thank you so much for asking. She was really mad at me. She was like, how could you leave these out? You could have killed them. I'm gonna kill myself. That's.

[A]

So.

[N]

That is what they were for. The dogs are thriving. They've actually never been better. They're texting their friends back. They're making their beds in the morning. They do have trouble reaching orgasm, but. I'm just kidding. Don't worry, it's still super easy to make them come. I don't know. I don't know.

[B]

She's better than you. She's better than you. Fuck you, dude.

[A]

Yeah, that's the scar. Yeah. There can only be one. We see who wears the funny pants in this relationship. Your boyfriend's out here talking about, oh, the turkeys are blushing. And you're just out here Now I'm blushing. This is incredible. Esther Povitz.

[D]

You guys are a cool comedy couple. Like, I'm impressed. I think this could work. You could stay together.

[N]

Are you rooting for us?

[D]

Yeah, I'm rooting for you. No, that was really funny. That was really fun. And I liked how it was long and it, like, it kept going and taking different directions, but all one bit, like, that's hard to do. That was really good.

[A]

Yeah, Jews are really good at stretching something out. And they have it getting their money's worth a lot of bang for your buck, you know what I mean? So I'm going to ask the question that your boyfriend somehow has never asked. Are you any relation to Jeffrey Epstein?

[N]

No. I wish. No.

[A]

Yeah, so do I.

[N]

That'd be so sick.

[A]

Interview.

[N]

Yeah.

[A]

Where are you originally from?

[N]

Maryland.

[A]

Maryland.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, but did you start in Austin or Maryland?

[N]

Dc.

[B]

Okay.

[N]

Yes. So, yeah, we're from dc.

[B]

Oh, you guys are both from. So you guys met each other in dc, Moved out here?

[N]

No, we live in dc.

[B]

Oh, you guys still live in dc? Oh, wow.

[N]

Yeah, we're just visiting.

[B]

Get the out of here.

[N]

Just crashing.

[B]

Oh, wow, that's great. So you guys moved out? Came out here just to see if we can get on kill Tony. That's amazing.

[A]

How long are you guys in town for?

[N]

Till tomorrow.

[A]

Oh, you fly back tomorrow?

[E]

Unless you want me to stay forever.

[N]

No, we fly back tomorrow.

[A]

You go back tomorrow. She has stuff she needs to get back to. She has dogs that need their antidepressants waiting for them. Very interesting. How long were you guys here for?

[N]

Since Saturday.

[A]

Okay. She came in on Saturday. Literally. You came in hoping to get on Kiltoni?

[N]

Well, yeah, we hung out. We went to the Museum of Weird.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[N]

If anyone would like to spend $20, it's a good place to do it.

[A]

Wow. Rare Jewish wanting to spend money. Jesus. Amazing. You guys are breaking stereotypes down.

[D]

What antidepressant are you on?

[N]

Wellbutrin.

[D]

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's hard to come.

[N]

Yeah. Did you have to stop for.

[D]

I. I went off. It was hard to take pills because I was nauseous. But yeah, I need it. I miss my Lexapro.

[N]

Well, we'll welcome you back into the well mutual community.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

Did you find that being pregnant made your chemicals like normal? No. Oh, okie dokie. Pulls out a knife slowly.

[D]

I miss weed a lot, but yeah, amazing.

[A]

So much. Yeah, no doubt about it. It'll be soon. When's the baby do?

[D]

End of March.

[A]

End of March. There you go. Oh, thank you.

[D]

It's a girl.

[A]

It's a girl. It's a girl. Maybe Matilda. You can name it Matilda. Matilda. After Matilda Epstein.

[N]

Epstein.

[D]

I do like that name. Do you like your name?

[N]

I do, yeah.

[D]

It's pretty. It's. It's like pretty in an ugly way, which as an Esther, I relate.

[A]

I think you should name the baby after her. I think you should name it Epstein. Pavitsky. I'm cold. Someone give me a blanket. Yes, but very good. That is indeed an actual baby crying. I love it. You guys have any plans on making children anytime soon? Is you want them to get you pregnant or marry you or anything like that? I want. I just want to make it uncomfortable for a second.

[E]

I have like $40, so.

[A]

No. Okay, wow. Concentrate.

[B]

Concentrate on stand up.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You guys are a very, very funny couple. I've run out of big joke books to give out. We don't have any extra anywhere. Right. There's not like a different backlog, but you guys can split this into two pieces. Wow.

[N]

Okay, now we have to get married.

[A]

Oh, there you go.

[H]

Look at that.

[N]

Catch the big book.

[A]

Here's another one. You have a second shot at it. Here's a little one. Boom. There you go. Matilda Epstein and Jack Schwartz, everybody. All right. Very special treat for y'. All. Right now, there is a golden ticket winner here in Austin, Texas, that is ready to perform a brand new minute for you. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from one of the great golden ticket winners of the history of the show. Make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody. Here we go.

[L]

Oh, what's up?

[O]

They.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

You know, I don't like it that they. They call Big Bird. Big Bird, you know? You know, they don't think he's aware he's an abnormally sized bird. You know, you don't think he's seen other birds and then like, be like, what the fuck? I'm a monster.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[L]

It's just his name is a reminder of the curse he bears. Anyway, I was at a coffee shop today. I went to the bathroom, they had a sign and said, don't flush anything except toilet paper. I was like, oh man, what am I gonna do with all this shit? My God.

[E]

Damn.

[A]

Oh, f. God damn. You are so good at this. Every single time. It's incredible.

[M]

Incredible. Thanks.

[L]

Thanks.

[B]

You spit on me.

[A]

Oh,

[L]

I do spit a lot when I talk. That's true.

[B]

Whatever you call it, you know what I mean?

[A]

It's not contagious. I knew what if it was. Bobbing Lee or wobbly perhaps? Wobbly. All right. I love it. Martin, you are unbelievable. You know, everybody busts our balls. Handicap person, golden ticket winner. And time after time after time, people like you and Jared Nathan and the late great Michael Lair. You guys are so funny all the time. It's absolutely incredible. What's your writing process? I mean, I'd imagine it's very short.

[L]

I'm digital. I get off my phone, I know I wouldn't be able to read it if I wrote it.

[A]

Yeah, you got Siri working overtime.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

That's amazing, man. You are so good at stand up comedy. What, what else have you been up to? You've been in Austin, now you live here full time, doing a lot,

[L]

been around different spots and whatnot. So South Austin represent?

[A]

Oh yeah.

[G]

Represent.

[A]

Oh yeah. Off of Congress.

[L]

Old Tor.

[A]

Oh, old Tor.

[L]

Old Tor 270.

[A]

Okay. I love it.

[D]

I. I just want to say I've read that sign a thousand million times. Like don't flush anything besides toilet paper. I've never once has that joke come like that's so brilliant. And for it to be something that's so everyday and you had this crazy take on it is really impressive.

[A]

Brilliant. Absolutely.

[L]

Literally took a huge shit at the head swallow inside old crab, you know. And it was inspired by true events. It did happen.

[A]

So, Martin Phillips, so funny. Now are you making a full time living off of standup?

[L]

Not quite yet. You're still substitute teaching the schools and whatnot. But I'm getting more gigs out, so hopefully. Hopefully.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

I don't have to go back, you know, get out of there, be done.

[A]

Where are you originally from again?

[L]

D.C. virginia.

[A]

D.C. virginia area.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, we got nothing coming up around there that's fun. Martin, I think you're so, so talented every single time that you come on, I mean you, you're unbelievable. What's the last longest set you think you can do?

[L]

Well, I actually about to plug anything, but I am Headlining a few clubs back home in D.C. baltimore, Virginia. So I'll do.

[A]

When? When is that?

[L]

So that's like. It's like mid February. So here are the dates, everybody.

[A]

Yeah. Where can people get tickets for that? Martin Phillips comedy.

[L]

If you want. On Instagram, it's all like, my bio, click link.

[A]

What's your Instagram handle?

[L]

Oh, it's part of Phillips comedy.

[A]

Martin Phillips comedy with two L's.

[L]

Yes, two L's. Phillips, two L's.

[A]

Very good. Yeah.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

You're shaped like an L, so that works. I love it. I love it.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

So now you were that a. D.C. is a political place. Do you. Do you lean to the right? I think I made that joke before, but it's just so good. I can't help myself. Martin, I want to do more stuff with you in the future. And I also think you're so funny on your feet. No pun intended. But I want you to come do a show here tomorrow that's all improvised. You pull premises out of a bucket. It's called Bottom of the Barrel, the Late Show. Have you done it before?

[K]

No.

[L]

I've heard of it.

[A]

You're going to do it tomorrow night, 10:30 at the Mother Show. He's on it. Martin Phillips, everybody. Unbelievable stuff, Martin. All right, we're going long. This is our final, final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for reed Conklin, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Reed Conklin.

[O]

I met a hot girl on 6th street the other day, and she was, like, really into me. So I knew something was up with her. Finally, after talking to her for over an hour, I realized that this woman is homeless. So I took her home. What was she gonna say? No? I'm just mad I didn't notice it sooner. Like, I should have seen the signs. I mean, she was literally holding a sign. It ended up being some of the best sex I've ever had. Though once I got past the smell,

[A]

she was a freak.

[O]

This woman put the ho in hobo. And not once did she ask me for.

[N]

For change.

[O]

But I did on the inside. I now have a uti. I burned for this woman.

[A]

I think we could all change.

[O]

Change our view of the homeless. And actions speak louder than words. So instead of saying, fuck the homeless, start fucking the homeless.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, Reid Conklin, welcome to the show. This is your first time time here, right?

[O]

Yes.

[A]

I'd remember if I've seen you before. You look like a giant sperm.

[C]

You do.

[A]

Do you have a long. You Have a tiny head for such long arms. You a swimmer?

[O]

I swim, yes.

[A]

I bet you must be un believable. You're like aerodynamic. Look how long your arms are. It's very bizarre. You know, you're strangely built.

[O]

Thank you.

[A]

Okay, you're welcome. Jesus. All right, Reed, how long you been doing standup?

[O]

A couple years.

[A]

Okay, what do you do for a living?

[O]

I'm a traveling street performer.

[A]

Okay, what do you do on the street?

[O]

So like a circus style show?

[B]

Juggle.

[O]

I can juggle. I do. Like, yeah, I can we get a few.

[A]

Can we get some limes from the service bar? Let's see, maybe some lemons. Lemons? Lemons are a little bit easier to see maybe, right?

[O]

Okay.

[A]

What are you. Where you. Why are you doing that? Oh, I can chug.

[E]

I mean,

[A]

you don't think we would have you juggle on a show that's live.

[O]

Yep, you're right. Hands you lemons.

[A]

People trying to. We're trying to squeeze some talent out of you here. What else can you do? You just juggle.

[O]

I can do a handstand.

[A]

Let's see a handstand while we're waiting for the lemons. How many of you want to see him do a handstand? I love it. He pretends like I'm not going to ask him to do. Do this. Whoa. Oh, okay. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Wow, look at that. A very serious man. Okay, what else do you do in your street Performing?

[O]

I do. I do a lot of whip crack. Whip cracking these days.

[A]

Whip cracking.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[G]

Whoa.

[A]

John D's not excited. Whoa.

[G]

Read the room.

[A]

You know, what are you cracking with these whips?

[O]

So I can juggle them and crack them at the same time. Like three whips and then there's like two handed whip cracking and just kind of making beats and stuff.

[A]

Okay, put the mic in the mic stand. Give me some juggling music, gu. Here we go. I'm just gonna throw you some limes. Here we go. You ready? All right, start juggling and I'll keep throwing them to you. You want more? Oh, shit. All right. Oh, shit. Oh. Whoa. All right, here, keep juggling. Here's one more. Can you juggle four? Whoa. Hell yeah. This guy gets all the homeless pussy. You want another one? We got another lime. Uh oh. How about a hand for Christy? Everybody got another lime here. We got a lot of limes. You'll be amazed with how many limes you can afford with a Spotify deal. Wow, look at that. That's. Keep those. I don't Think we're gonna feed them to people after this? Homeless people. Being a street performer, you get to keep those lines.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

What else would we be surprised to know about you? Reed Conklin.

[O]

I'm from Key West, Florida.

[A]

Ah. Ah.

[O]

Okay.

[A]

What else? What are you, Carmen? San Diego. Over here. What's going on? Key West, Florida. Find it on a map.

[O]

I've. I've been to 50 countries.

[A]

Whoa. What's your favorite? I like Thailand.

[O]

I like. I do like Vietnam.

[A]

Oh, okay. Quite a bit. Why do you like it?

[O]

It's just. It was beautiful. Everything's kind of easier to get to. It's. It's small, the food's good. People are nice.

[B]

Cheap. $2 Saki sake.

[A]

All right, Red pan, Red Dan. Yeah, he has it. His. His soundboard is out of control. What's that one? What's this one? Oh,

[B]

I get the.

[A]

Oh, wow. Huh. Does this remind you of your time in Vietnam at all?

[O]

They charge me way more than 2.

[B]

Ah, inflation.

[A]

All right, Reed Conklin. Fun times. What else? Anything else crazy, we'd be surprised to know about you.

[O]

Well, I'm in Texas kind of performance. Performing at a. At a fair, like three hours east at our Renaissance Festival.

[A]

Okay. What are you doing at the Renaissance Festival?

[O]

Doing my whip cracking show.

[A]

Wow. What do you dress up like?

[O]

I. I kind of wear like a pirate Y shirt.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, you almost said that you wear like that for a second. It looked like.

[O]

Well, I do wear the. The pants and then some boots and a pirated shirt.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And a white hood.

[D]

There is something scary about you at first. But then when I saw you juggle, now I feel safe.

[O]

Yeah, I do that before I talk to every pretty girl.

[B]

Oh, what are you blind, too?

[A]

Well, well, well. Looks like Esther might want the whip cracking. Amazing stuff. Fun set. Here's a little joke book. There you go. There he goes, everybody.

[B]

Very funny, dude.

[A]

Oh. Oh. Puts the hoe in.

[B]

Hobo with the limes, dude.

[A]

Take the limes. Take the limes. That's his lime, everybody. There he goes. All right. That was Reed Conklin. It's been a fun episode. You guys ready to put a ribbon on this thing? Well, I might. Must warn you, there's only one way to do that. Ladies and gentlemen, this man, hall of famer, has the record for appearances, the record for interviews, some of the most powerful sets in the history of the show. Seems to do it week after week after week. I present to you the Tijuana Tornado, the Sacramento Sultan, the Memphis Strangler, the Buffalo Billionaire. The one, the only. The vanilla gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

[K]

British police are investigating the rape of a 15 year old girl in the Metaverse. And I'm just over here trying to figure out how Bill Clinton was able to squeeze his fat ass in there. An Indian tech CEO just died when the wire hold. Holding the cage he was being lowered down on during the opening ceremony snapped, causing him to fall and land on his head. Kind of crazy because you'd have thought his turban would have broken the fall. Man, y' all know I don't like idiot people. Silence is violence.

[A]

Shit.

[K]

If that's true, I kind of wish my dad would have just given me the silent treatment instead. Okay, that's my time.

[A]

Thank you.

[I]

Boom.

[A]

All right, all right. The great, the powerful William Montgomery.

[C]

You know William.

[A]

William.

[B]

We were in Hawaii together. We were not. We were at dinner together.

[K]

You took me to dinner?

[B]

I. Dude. Honestly, dude, I'm a huge fan. And you're a real gentleman too. You're a polite guy. You're very talented. I'm just glad that I was here to witness you live.

[K]

Yeah, well, it's a pleasure to be witnessing you live right now, Bobby.

[B]

I mean, I've.

[K]

It's so nice to see you right now. So.

[A]

Yeah, I think that deserves a. I think that deserves a hoodie.

[D]

Hoo.

[B]

Hooty hoo.

[C]

Hoodie ho.

[K]

No, y' all started a little too early. Hold on. Maybe on three. One, two, three. No, somebody. That sounded weird. Maybe on three. Let's try it one more time. One, two, three.

[A]

Ooh, you made the lights go off with that one. That was.

[K]

Yeah, that was just powerful.

[A]

D Madness. Right on cue.

[K]

Wait, did. Could you tell that the lights just flickered a little D manas. Have you been pulling all of our legs?

[M]

I'll never tell.

[A]

Okay, that would be. That would be a very long played out joke if it was. I've seen. I've seen this guy really commit. Yeah. Amazing. How about a hand for the great D Madness? I'm in a legend. So what else has been going on, William?

[K]

I'm going to be honest with you right now, Tony. You would be horrified if you could have seen me since Friday. A video game. They got me back into video games. Got remastered. It's called the Last of Us Two, Tony. And I am almost. I've almost been the game. I've spent 30 hours the past two days.

[A]

Oh my goodness.

[K]

Doing that. I'm not even kidding. And I'm almost towards the end. So now I'm Kind of sad, because it's my birthday on Friday, and I was planning on playing The Last of Us 2 fucking remaster for my birthday, but I've already almost finished it, so.

[A]

Tony.

[K]

I don't know what I got to do on my birthday this year.

[J]

Matt.

[A]

I don't even know.

[K]

Matt. Tony, man, I was fucking planning on playing the Last of Us 2 remaster, and now I don't even know what I'm gonna do. Matt. I'm 37 on Friday, Tony. And now I don't have any.

[A]

Wow. Well, what are you gonna do? Shoot,

[K]

I don't know. Maybe play. Play the Last of Us Two a little bit more. I'm gonna be able to save my guns for the next round, so maybe just play that again. Tony. And I'm also eating a bunch of Sumo Citrus. I don't know if y' all like sumo Citrus, but they are actually my newest sponsor. They're really good. They're cute.

[A]

Yeah. What is that?

[K]

It's a citrus fruit. Yeah, Redband. I'm sure you're shaking your head, you nasty. I'm sure you don't know what a fruit is, you sickening piece of.

[M]

Shut the.

[K]

Don't come at me.

[B]

Don't act to me like that. You stop acting.

[K]

It's not genuine when you do it.

[B]

Talk.

[A]

You smell like fish.

[C]

It's not. Everybody knows you're acting dumbass.

[K]

Seriously, stop trying to act tough up here, you dumbass.

[B]

Fist mouth.

[A]

Why are you yelling over them?

[K]

What does fish mouth mean, you idiot?

[A]

Stop. Oh, my God. Fish mouth.

[B]

Oh, that's a good one.

[A]

Idiot. Red band. Standing up for himself. Kind of smells like that's moldy or something.

[B]

Stop talking.

[K]

Oh, that's actually funny. Oh, fish mouth. My breast was like. Oh, good one. I get it now. Dumbass. Yeah, drink some more, you nasty.

[B]

Why don't you drink some more soda water? You.

[K]

I can even understand.

[A]

Yo. Okay, okay, Red man, I really hope

[D]

my baby can't hear yet.

[K]

What does that mean?

[B]

Your baby has no ears? William. Make fun of me. Make fun of me.

[K]

I actually, something did happen to me this past week. I went to a place called Sashuan Garden. I'm sure you're people know about that at some fucking Asian place. And it was fucking nasty as shit. So if anybody lives in Austin, Texas, do not go to Szechuan Garden.

[A]

Wow.

[K]

I swear to God, Tony. I get in there, there's only one couple in the entire place. It smells like cleaning supplies right when I get in there. And it gets my better judgment. I got the food and it wasn't.

[A]

What did you get? What did you order from there?

[K]

Egg drop soup. That tastes a little too much like eggs for me, Tony. It tastes. I swear to God. The yellow part was like egg yolks or something. So I started off with that, and then I ate this crispy chicken stuff. But it was May. It was mainly crispies in the chicken, and I like it a little more chickeny. I hate all the crispies. They put some of the Asian places. They put the crispies in there.

[A]

Red man was able to find reviews from this place. Literally, this one has 520, 20 likes. It is one star. Probably the most disgusting Chinese food we've eaten in a long time period. And that includes the buffet at LaGuardia Airport. I would actually fly to LaGuardia Airport just to eat there again. It was so disgusting, even our dog wouldn't eat it. Oh, my God. We went on September. Another review. This is a different review completely. With 58 agrees. We went on Saturday, September 2, 2023, to try to get something to eat. When we opened the door, a very strong sewage odor almost made us gag. Disgusting. Healthy department should be checking this place. Wow, that's amazing. There was another one star there. Go back to that. Above that. Above that, above that, above that, above that. Oh, there's no stars there. Oh, my goodness. Somebody left no stars. I didn't even know you could do that.

[K]

Yeah, and I felt like such an idiot because. Tony, I get a lot. I love Cabo Bobs. I'll get that. I've started eating a lot of Peter. Tony. I have to be careful. I'm starting to gain weight again. I'm starting to get to the mindset where I don't give a anymore. And, I mean, I'm about to be 37, and the psychic I've been going to told me I'm only living. I'm not. I'm not living past 40, so. Tony, I think I might just start drinking again. I still have the cocaine.

[A]

Let me tell you, William, there's a. There's a beautiful woman that just yelled something. Yell it again.

[K]

Huh? Can you say that again one more time? I can hear you the first time. Okay. And I just.

[B]

I blocked that out.

[K]

You stupid, stupid bitch. I'm having a pretty good fucking time up here tonight. And I swear to God, Tony, I just blocked it out of my stupid head.

[A]

I love watching Esther's reaction to the chaos that is William Montgomery. Just wondering why it's funny that you called a woman a stupid Bitch.

[K]

Yeah. I mean, who knocked your ass up, bitch? I mean that's what I've been fucking wondering ever since I got up here.

[B]

Bitch.

[K]

It's almost my fucking bird birthday.

[A]

What are you going to do? What are you going to do for your birthday?

[K]

Probably never stop playing the Last of Us 2 remaster. I'm probably not. I never going to stop playing.

[A]

William, you're an absolute God on this show we love.

[H]

Thanks so much.

[A]

Single week. Make some goddamn noise for the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. That's showing on your YouTube right now, guys. Drugstore June out February 23rd in select theaters. Tell them about the movie.

[D]

I want to say just one quick thing. First of all, Bobby is amazing in the movie. It is about one of my ex boyfriends. Not one of you guys. Don't worry, that'll be the next one. But it's a movie that has a lot of comics. Podcasts, Ms. Pat. Trevor Wallace.

[B]

Trevor Wallace.

[D]

And it's kind of. We made it outside of Hollywood. It's kind of independent and so we'd love if you'd come out and support it and all of our friends, you'll, you'll recognize, if you're a true comedy fan, you will recognize a lot of people in it and it'll be very.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

We're also watching you.

[D]

I'm so proud of Tony. When I first met him, he did not have a bank account.

[A]

It's true.

[D]

And, and I dragged him into Chase and they were refusing to give this man a bank account.

[A]

It's true.

[D]

And I pulled out all my Karen skills and I said, you better give this fucking guy his own bank account because he was cashing his checks at a check cashing place paying 10%. It drove me crazy. So I'm so proud of him. I'm so proud of Brian.

[A]

And now we're millionaires, everybody. Isn't that exciting?

[D]

I'm so proud of you guys.

[A]

Make some noise for goddamn Esther Povitzky. Make some noise for Bobby Lee. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land. The Peterson Brothers, Michael Gonzalez. Jet Ski Johnson's on tour. She's going all around. Jet skijohnson.com for tickets. D Madness. John Dees, the Mortician, Matt Muhling. How about a hand for yourselves for coming out, huh, you guys? Hey, San Diego. I'll be there in July doing a weekend at the American Comedy company dot com. Uhoh. Raise the ceilings. Red bands coming to San Diego and I'm bringing friends. Oh, there you go. We love you guys. God bless America. Love you and God bless Texas. Shell Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose Hall Law Firm, Austin. Security guard Service, Ninja Buses and Connect Mobile Health. And a special shout out, make some noise for ways to. Well, everybody, the great Denise is here tonight. They keep all your favorite comedians strong and healthy, filled with vitamins. Go to waysthenumber2well.com to change your goddamn life. They take your blood. They let you know what's up with your body. They make you stronger. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We love you. Good night. The entire 600 plus episode back catalog is Kill Tony episodes are now available on the audio feed. So go subscribe to the show on your podcast app of your choice to access these episodes and follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts and like and subscribe on YouTube. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We love you.

[D]

If you were gonna give me a consultation for plastic surgery.

[A]

It's not what I do here.

[D]

But just. If you were, what do you think you would do to my face?

[B]

I'd probably start with your mouth.

[D]

Like lip filler.

[A]

No.

[B]

I would sew that sucker shut.

[L]

You would follow you home.

[A]

You would park with the lights down low.

[L]

Do what I if she knew.

[A]

Do what's crazy. But you know too.

[D]

I'm a little loser. Your Facebook group is right. I have no life. What did you ever see in this psycho? Oh, I messed it up. I need a coffee break.

[B]

You haven't even clocked in yet.

[D]

I haven't been getting paid for any of this.

[B]

Oh, give me a double macchiato.

[A]

I brought you some hot chocolate.

[D]

Oh, you're interrupting my stream.

[A]

Okay, bye. Toon Squad. You would want us to say she was. Thank you. J.

[D]

What?

[J]

Ew.

[A]

I heard the pharmacy got robbed.

[D]

What the hell happened in here? What's your name? Forever June. On everything except snap. June forever. No, honey, your real life, actual name.

[A]

June. June. This is not Queen June's private castle. June. The almighty.

[D]

Oh, June.

[A]

Oh, my God. The poor man that ends up with her.

[D]

I think I'm gonna start doing some investigatory work. Y' all heard anything about a pharmacy in Rob?

[A]

I don't watch the news. All I do is smoke.

[C]

Wait.

[D]

Do you feel safe here? I'm looking for information.

[A]

Hey, baby boo.

[D]

June Squad has a lot of time on their hands.

[B]

Take it easy. I'll tell you what you want.

[A]

What are you doing here?

[D]

I'm collecting evidence.

[A]

You watch too many movies. You are not a police officer. Help us out here.

[D]

God, mug shots are so sexy. Can I take this home?

[A]

No. You got robbed, you got detained. This is very serious.

[D]

Maybe I should bring him in. Which one of you can deputize me? Twice a day with food. What a cute tik Tok Bio.

[A]

Sam. Sa. Sam.