#652 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JEFF DYE + KIM CONGDON

Summary

Kill Tony #652 – Luis J Gomez + Jeff Dye + Kim Congdon

Date: February 27, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guests: Luis J Gomez, Jeff Dye, Kim Congdon

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Episode Overview

Episode #652 of Kill Tony brings the signature wild, uncensored energy of the #1 live podcast to the Comedy Mothership in Austin. Host Tony Hinchcliffe and co-host Brian Redban welcome three powerhouse comedic guests: Luis J Gomez, Jeff Dye, and Kim Congdon. Regular segments feature Kill Tony stalwarts Hans Kim and Cam Patterson, and the show also introduces its newest regular, the eccentric Casey Rocket. The episode is packed with unpredictable stand-up from audience bucket comics, on-stage roasts, stories of personal oddities, and plenty of irreverent banter.

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Main Segments & Key Moments

1. Opening & Guest Introductions

• [03:28]–[04:49]
  Tony introduces the night’s guests—Luis J Gomez (“Legion of Skanks”), Jeff Dye, and Kill Tony legend Kim Congdon. They reminisce about past memorable guests, including Ric Flair:

“Actually, you made me hate Ric Flair. I was a big fan of him until I watched that episode.”
—Jeff Dye [04:40]

2. Hans Kim’s Performance & Interview

• [06:07]–[13:36]
  Regular Hans Kim opens with his trademark controversial material, rapidly escalating into a surreal, confessional interview about his hygiene habits, sex life, and a DoorDash mishap involving his ex-girlfriend:

"Yeah, I accidentally ordered $200 worth of DoorDash on her account, and I was mad at her. But then I went over and I started crying and bawling my eyes out..."
—Hans Kim [09:08]

Tony announces Hans will take a break from performing on the show to prep for his upcoming high-stakes battle against Rick Diaz at the LA Forum.

3. Bucket Comics: Newcomers & Returning Characters

A series of aspiring and seasoned stand-ups drawn at random from the audience take their shot. The panel’s signature, sometimes brutal, commentary and interviews follow each performance.

a. Molly Matledge - First-Timer Confessions

• [14:39]–[26:02]
  HR worker Molly, 41, tries stand-up for the first time. The panel riffs on her material and background, probing her quirky love of Texas rap music and roller skating:

"For her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life."
—Luis J Gomez [16:48]

b. Trey Campbell - Lovable Loser Energy

• [26:40]–[33:52]
  Returning redheaded comic Trey shares offbeat stories, including attempts at shoplifting Dr. Pepper and insights into his dating life:

"I just like any woman that's like, would like me. I don't know."
—Trey Campbell [32:05]

c. Longoria - Dog Enthusiast with Parody Leanings

• [34:19]–[45:08]
  Longoria, half-Mexican, half-Arab, delivers brash material. His rambling interview covers his work “with dogs,” side hustles selling collectibles, and a cringeworthy parody song performed live:

“I train them how to use their phone and change their names to Steve.”
—Longoria [37:06]

“[After a failed parody song:] That was a terror attack.”
—D Madness [44:35]

d. Cam Patterson - Regular Excellence

• [46:20]–[51:13]
  Cam shares stories of a tense run-in with a cop at one of his shows, a herpes scare (false alarm), and coining the term “Schlutz” for a certain kind of woman:

"For the last two weeks, I was very sad. Cause I thought I had herpes. It was just the ingrown hair. So I was good."
—Cam Patterson [47:54]

e. Matt Hart - The 90-Try Guy

• [52:34]–[61:17]
  Matt finally gets the spotlight after 90 signups. The panel obsesses over his “deceptive handsomeness” and past life working in a tiny airport:

"That's amazing. That's how weird it is. It doesn't make any goddamn sense."
—Tony Hinchcliffe [54:19]

f. Shelby Boyd - Tortoises & Accidental Stage Time

• [61:42]–[68:28]
  Shelby tells tortoise jokes and reveals she’s both a marine and a marine biologist. She confesses only getting on stage because her husband wanted to perform:

“Did he sign up as well?”
—Tony Hinchcliffe [67:42]
“He did... and I stole his spot.”
—Shelby Boyd

g. Shahab Tabatrenazad - Iranian Uber Nomad

• [69:39]–[85:14]
  Shahab, a self-effacing, nervy Iranian-Persian Uber driver who lives in his Prius, tells long-winded tales about buying a $900 leather jacket after years of indecision. The roast is merciless but oddly affectionate:

"Dude, you can't have anxiety in leather."
—D Madness [71:44]
“It's like a security blanket.”
—Shahab [75:25]

h. Anthony Moan - Keto & Culture Clashes

• [85:56]–[94:41]
  Moan discusses Italian familial guilt over the keto diet and an awkward date involving the word “female.” The crowd is tepid, and the panel is blunt.

4. Michael White’s Return – Rap, Race, & Spaghetti

• [95:12]–[108:54] Favorite recurring character Michael White delivers a high-energy set about identity, wiggers (“wigger Braveheart speech”—Luis J Gomez), and recounts how his spaghetti side-hustle got him viral attention. He performs a blistering, ADHD-themed rap both fast and (by request) slow:

“88D is all I need... I was in special ed and resource class. I thought school was a waste of time and all I wanted to do was rhyme.”
—Michael White [102:12][104:23]

Despite praise for his rapping, Michael derails with a jarring joke about Tony, leading to classic Kill Tony chaos.

5. Announcement: New Kill Tony Regular

• [109:11]–[117:51]
  With William Montgomery out sick, Tony introduces the new show-opening regular: the inimitable Casey Rocket. Casey performs a signature, absurdist set (“I was a lobster in a grocery store tank for a summer. Great benefits— all you can wear rubber bands”). The panel, especially Louis J Gomez and Jeff Dye, gush over his off-the-wall originality and energy.

“He is Adderall personified.”
—Luis J Gomez [113:06]
“The future has arrived.”
—Tony Hinchcliffe [112:06]

Casey’s promotion is celebrated as a major moment in the Kill Tony universe.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Luis J Gomez to a first-timer:
  “For her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life.” [16:48]

• On Hans Kim’s sex confession:
  “You just can't hide how excited you are to use that. Raw. Raw.”
  —Tony Hinchcliffe [11:31]

• About the new regular:
  “This is the man that will open every episode... the future has arrived.”
  —Tony Hinchcliffe [109:11][112:06]

• Casey Rocket, on his surreal jobs:
  “I was a lobster in a grocery store tank for a summer. Great benefits— all you can wear rubber bands.” [111:12]

• Michael White’s summary of the human race:
  “So that means there's only one race. The human race. Some of us just came out with a disability.” [96:31]

• On tortured leather jacket longing:
  “It's important to just get the thing you want in life and not settle for some shitty version.”
  —Shahab Tabatrenazad [80:00]

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Highlighted Segments & Timestamps

• Hans Kim’s One-Minute Set & Post-Set Banter — [06:07]–[13:36]
• Molly Matledge’s Stage Debut — [14:39]–[26:02]
• Trey Campbell’s Interview (“Dr. Peppers”) — [26:40]–[33:52]
• Longoria’s Parody Song Disaster — [34:19]–[45:08]
• Cam Patterson on Herpes Scare — [46:20]–[51:13]
• Matt Hart: 90th Time's the Charm — [52:34]–[61:17]
• Casey Rocket’s First Set as New Regular — [109:11]–[117:51]
• Michael White’s ADHD Rap — [102:12]–[105:24]

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Tone & Style

The tone alternates between rowdy, supportive, and savagely unforgiving. Tony expertly weaves crowd work, roasts, and sincere encouragement, while guests Luis J Gomez, Jeff Dye, and Kim Congdon bring fresh energy and ricochet off each other with quick wit. Recurring references to inside jokes, racial humor, and Austin/LA comedy culture pepper the whole night.

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Conclusion

Kill Tony #652 delivers what fans crave: brutal honesty, unpredictable antics, underdog moments, comedy mentorship, and the historic arrival of a new mainstay in Casey Rocket. It’s an episode packed with memorable characters, wild stories, and some of the sharpest panel banter in live comedy podcasting.

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For fans interested in key moments:

• New regular announcement & debut (Casey Rocket): [109:11]
• Hans Kim’s last set before hiatus: [06:07]
• Standout “bucket” comics: [14:39], [34:19], [52:34], [69:39], [95:12]
• Classic Kill Tony roasting & crowd work throughout

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Listen, laugh, and stay tuned for the next unpredictable night at the Comedy Mothership.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y', all, the LA Forum is right around the corner and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in Kiltoni's history. Travel. Go there, we'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own standup sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand up on road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in

[Jeff Dye]

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hench.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yippee. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi. And how about a hand for the band? Am I right, people? This is the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose. Austin security guard service, ninjabuses.com connect mobile health, where you can get an IV drip. Use the promo code kill10. Save10. How do we feel tonight? You guys with us? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the Mutilator, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys right there. This is right, the one and the only D Madness, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible here right now.

[Molly Matledge]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's show? Every week I Have some of the funniest people in the world on the show this week. Absolutely no different. 3 very, very, very funny comedians. You know them, you love them. We're gonna have a blast here together. Some of my favorite people. Make some noise for Louis J. Gomez, Kim Congdon and Jeff Dye, everybody. Oh, yeah. The great legion of skanks. Louis J. Gomez. The great and powerful Jeff Dye joining the fray. And that is Kiltoni's first ever regular Kim Con. Legend of the kil Tony universe, Louis J. Gomez. Welcome, my friend.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm so happy to be back here after the Ric Flair debacle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Holy. Unbelievable. Still haven't heard back from the nature boy after that one wild night. We love them, though. Jeff Dye, welcome to the show.

[Jeff Dye]

Thanks for having me. Actually, you made me hate Ric Flair. I was a big fan of him until I watched that episode. Now I hate Ric Flair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me too.

[Jeff Dye]

I really do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great Kim Congdon, everybody. Seriously, she was writing a minute every week on the show ten and a half years ago. Something crazy. Welcome back, Roast Queen. We love her. She hits hard. Everybody's ready. You guys know how it works. 100, 200 some. A crazy amount of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted do stand up on this stage in front of a sold out crowd at the number one comedy club on planet Earth. You know their 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I interview them and we have a bunch of fun. We find out more about them and make the most of their opportunity on stage. You guys ready for this? Well, there's only one way to start an episode like this, everybody. How many of you are actually fans of the show? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, doing a brand new minute, a legendary regular. You guys know the words. This is Hans Kim, everybody.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good to be here.

[Hans Kim]

I love Kill Tony fans because I know I can say retard tonight. Retard. Retard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Retard. Retard.

[Hans Kim]

Why aren't you doing it? Did you vote for Biden? Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Any black people want to start the next chance? Legally, I'm not allowed to start it anymore. I can jump in in the middle though. I'm glad that the new Apple Vision Pro came out because now it won't look so weird masturbating on the bus. I hate poor people. Poor people are always bragging about how poor they are. They're like, I grew up on the streets, man. I had to steal French fries to survive. My best friend was locked in a cage. What are you, a pigeon? Sound like a pigeon, bitch. All right, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Fuck, yeah. The great Hans. Kim. How you feeling tonight, Hans?

[Hans Kim]

I feel amazing. I've been, you know, really working on myself. I've been taking three showers a week, so it's pretty good for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why three showers a week? I didn't know that you were this uncleanly.

[Hans Kim]

I just don't shower that much. I'm pretty clean as it is. I'm Asian. I'm trying to use my strengths. I save all that shower time to study the art.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has no hair, so when they

[D Madness]

say shrimp dick, they're talking about the smell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. No doubt about it. I love it.

[Hans Kim]

I've been pretty good. I've been having sex.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like this look. It's like 50 Shades of Beige or something like that. Did someone dress you like that? Did you do that?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah. My friend Amira is helping me. She's Palestinian.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You need to get a mirror.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true, Jeff. Die.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm glad you told me that. I shouldn't interrupt the comedians for the first 60 seconds because I was gonna do the black person chant. I was like all

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kim.

[D Madness]

Hans, I think your jokes are great. I like that you came out chanting your own name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on in your life this week, Hans? Anything else?

[Hans Kim]

Big sex is always a great thing for me. I've been with my ex. You know, we've been hooking up after the breakup.

[Jeff Dye]

And what's her full name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's interesting, because last week it seemed like you guys were taking a real break.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I accidentally ordered $200 worth of DoorDash on her account, and I was mad at her. But then I went over and I started crying and bawling my eyes out, and now we're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you were full of dog.

[Louis J. Gomez]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Full of what?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well. Indonesian person bawls their eyes out. Isn't that a limited? Do you guys have the same amount of tears as we do? Seems like you guys are, like, restricting it a little bit, right?

[D Madness]

They come out in rectangles.

[Hans Kim]

I mean, we. We just squeeze it all out. White people can, like, put it around the sphere of the eyes. We just.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm offended.

[D Madness]

How do you think they make duck sauce?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. That is true. How do you spend $200 on DoorDash. Hans.

[Hans Kim]

I tipped the delivery drivers 50 bucks each. I ordered two things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Hans Kim]

I tipped them 50 bucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do?

[Hans Kim]

I did. Just because it was her credit card.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you knew that it was her credit card?

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Hans Kim]

So I wanted to spend her money, but I venmoed her back because I felt bad after I had sex with her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, this is very weird. You are unbelievably honest and very revealing of a lot of very interesting shit.

[Jeff Dye]

This guy lives by a strange code.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is unbelievable. So this was your. Were you trying to, like, get her back? Were you trying to be in communication? You knew she was gonna be like, Hans, you spent 200 on DoorDash.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, but she didn't respond. And then I had to go over there to pick up my drone remote controller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[D Madness]

Just the remote controller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could have bought two of those with tips that you just spin, man.

[Hans Kim]

And then I cried. And then we had sex with a condom twice and without once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is unbelievable. See, people are like, why is Hans. What is the deal with Hans? And I'm like, do you listen to these interviews? I don't even have to do anything. He gives you just everything you could ever possibly want to work with in the world. So some with, some without.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, the first two was with, and then the last one, it was without.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you could hear him smiling. You could hear the talk. Yeah, the first two, there was none. And then the second one there. He was unbelievable. You just can't hide how excited you are to use that. Raw. Raw. Is it still raw dog if you do it? This is where you should do this. I got it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

There we go

[D Madness]

inside him. It didn't work twice. That's how bad it was. They knew I was making fun of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you're making a dog joke, you got to leave a little pause. Thank you, Michael. Okay, Hans, we have. We have come to a very, very interesting agreement, you and I, earlier on the phone to. He is battling Rick Diaz in an unbelievable, unbelievably exciting rematch. He. While he won, he went on to challenge Rick Diaz to silence the haters. Ba ba ba ba. It's happen May 10th, live from the LA forum, right?

[Matt Hart]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we realize that what's not fair is that Rick gets to prepare this super minute over months without having to spend any minutes or interviews on the show. So it would be fair to give Hans Kim a break. So unless he absolutely wants one, he will not be performing until May 10 live at the Forum on Kill. Tony. I know, I know. Listen to the controversy. This is, I'm telling you, so funny.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's about to stab himself with a sword.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys love Hans Kim. Don't you? See? This is what I'm saying. It's Chinese bots working against him, I think. Like that online and like that. That could be. Nobody hates Asians more than other Asians. This is true. You would agree with that, right?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Well, shame kill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yes, absolutely. So until he wants to again. That was Hannah. Hans Kim. How do you feel about this, Hans?

[Hans Kim]

I feel great. I'm gonna energize, I'm gonna recharge. I'm gonna come back better than ever, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

A lot of people cheered for me on that night at the arena, and I'm gonna work hard for them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. There you go. And that was Hans Kim. Everybody make some noise for Hans, everyone. And I will tell you right now, indeed, later tonight, you will all meet the new regular that will open the shows every week here on Kill. Tony. Isn't that exciting? But now we go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen, where anything can happen. As you know, these could be crazy people. It could be someone's first time. Anything can happen. You guys ready? 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to your first bucket pool of the night. Molly Matledge. Everyone, here's Molly Matledge.

[Molly Matledge]

Hi. A bit about me. I love fun facts. A little fun fact I learned through watching a few seasons of Wild N Out. Is that black people stick with me. Think that white people put raisins in their potato salad. Now, I don't know what the fuck is putting raisins in their potato salad? Because, let's be real, it's mayo or mustard. Keep it moving. But it does beg the question, white people, are you putting raisins in your potato salad? And if not, why do black people think you do? Well, we'll come back to that. Another thing that I love are fun facts that rhyme, maybe impart a little wisdom. One of my personal favorites, liquor before beer, you're in the clear. But beer before liquor, you'll fuck your co worker. That's facts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that. That got a huge laugh in this room. These people are desperate for comedy here tonight. They are really all you have to, really. They're just listening for pacing and timing. At this point, they're pretty much giving it up for anything.

[Molly Matledge]

I practiced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did. Oh, my goodness. I love it. This is the scariest one of the conjuring movies I've ever seen. Right now, I'm not sure what the fuck Is happening. This is something out of my nightmares.

[D Madness]

You do look like if Chucky was a housewife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Molly Matledge]

that's fair.

[D Madness]

I love her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, Absolutely. So how long you been doing stand up Molly? That was unbelievable.

[Molly Matledge]

First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time. Hell, yeah. I'll tell you, you need a little raisins in that potato salad. You know what I'm saying? You gotta add a little something. Some spicy mustard, something funny. Really? Anything. Gotta dose up. Up. Dose it up.

[Molly Matledge]

Paprika.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Paprika. Absolutely.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, I'll say. For her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Holy garbage. God damn it, lady. You pissed me off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That seemed like comedy school, right? Or comedy college? Did you try to, like, research this? Were you, like, trying to strategically be funny? Because it does feel like Red Band said it feels like something. And somebody, like, took a comedy class, was like, okay, something. A pop culture reference. Wild and out is really hip right now. And then, well, what's something else we can all agree on? Potato salad.

[Jeff Dye]

She even moved the mic stand. Like a comedy class.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Molly Matledge]

I asked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You asked why I asked them.

[Molly Matledge]

I said, what do y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[D Madness]

I was like. I was thinking about taking it off.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And they.

[Molly Matledge]

I was like, what do you recommend? He was like, I see the professional. He said, take it off.

[Casey Rocket]

Put it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The guy that. The producer that helped you up the stairs said that. Who is that? Is that Colt? Is that you? Love these people. Find the professionals. Take it out of the. Right. So you being creepy over there, dude? This is a little insight to how scary that back tunnel can be. Someone gets rushed over, they have to cross two streets. They're literally like, oh, fuck. So I'm definitely going up, right to these people. You must interview you sometime.

[Jeff Dye]

Look how afraid he was to get fired. Tony was like, what guy did this? And the guy's like, I didn't. Oh, please.

[Molly Matledge]

It wasn't him. In his defense, wasn't, was it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He looks like Mario back there.

[D Madness]

She puts raisins in her potato salad, but she ain't no snitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wait, was that you or her?

[D Madness]

That was me.

[Jeff Dye]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm like, oh, yeah. I'm trying to. I was like that. Just get a laugh like that. We make it be funny. Not. Of course not. So, Molly, what made you want to start stand up now? Is it crazy if I ask how old you are?

[Molly Matledge]

I just turned 41.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go, 41. What made you start comedy at 41?

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Gosh.

[Molly Matledge]

A feeling it was just like, inside, like, I just felt the need to do it. I did. I've been.

[D Madness]

That's menopause.

[Molly Matledge]

I've followed comedy for years. I've written things down. I've always enjoyed it. I've gone to many, you know, open mics. I've never done any schooling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Talk to the microphone if you have all this experience. I've done so much. I did a lot of research.

[Shelby Boyd]

I was doing my own.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've seen all the professionals. I know how to do it.

[Molly Matledge]

I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Molly Matledge]

I haven't done any of that. Yeah. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. So what do you do for work, Molly?

[Molly Matledge]

Hr.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hr. Oh, my goodness. You do comedy like an HR person. It's incredible. Raisins and potato salad. I'm like, what? What? What?

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Like, who does that? And why would you. And stop that. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And somehow Wild N Out has to do with this. She's gonna kill on Facebook groups, though. Oh, yeah. Every HR person is going to be

[Michael White]

like one of us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. The Little Red Machine. Molly Matledge. Or you're a true ginger. This seems through and through. There's no fake in that, right?

[Unknown Comedian 1]

My.

[Molly Matledge]

My mom's 80.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

80 ginger. Yeah. Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No, 80 retard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. So, okay, you work in HR. What do you do for fun? Tell us about the wild side of Molly. That's what I wanted. Am I right? Doesn't she seem a little too cookie cutter? Tell us, what's one of the wildest things Molly does on a regular basis?

[Molly Matledge]

Well, one thing I thought you might think was fun was I love rap. Texas rap. Very well versed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get the out of here.

[Molly Matledge]

Very well versed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like you only sing the parts where they say the nw. No. You can probably swipe filter. She just gets excited to see, like, for real.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Can you think you could freeze some?

[Shelby Boyd]

No.

[Molly Matledge]

Like, salt and pepper at most, like, maybe, but that's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Molly Matledge]

Like salt and pepper? Salt and pepper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about salt and pepper? I could probably.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's talking about red band's hair.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Texas wrap.

[D Madness]

She's still talking about things to put in the potato salad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So good. Oh, oh. So what about salt and pepper you just said. I just said, can you rap?

[D Madness]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't rap.

[Molly Matledge]

I can't white woman thing ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[D Madness]

That's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was their. It's not. No Scrubs. They're a.

[Molly Matledge]

But I do. I mean, I probably sing along to a lot of.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

What a Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a Man. What a man. Oh, I Know rap. What a man what? What a mighty good man. This is me with some Texas rap. Yeah. Who's ready to rap? Everybody welcome. Welcome to White Raps with Molly Malage. She saw an episode of Wild and Out once and she's never been the same since. Oh, my. What's Molly gonna rap about today?

[Unknown Comedian 1]

What's a man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's a man? What's a man?

[Unknown Comedian 1]

What's a mighty girl Good man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, he is indeed he was. What do you mean? Salt and peppa. She's having 90s. How is that Texas rap off English? It's definitely not. I thought you she was going, like, sipping on some syrup or something like that kind of Texas rap. Are you talking. Let's not give her Big Mo ESG.

[Molly Matledge]

Slim Duck. Like, I have photos with them on 6th Street. Big Mo, rest in peace. But like, I. I legitimately swish a house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three students. Michael Watts, Big Mo. Seriously, she almost powed out some Hennessy on that one. She almost pulled out one of those little airplane bottles. You know Big Mo.

[D Madness]

I mean, Molly, they all rap about

[Unknown Comedian 1]

one of Big Mo. Big Mo, rip one of the good ones.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna PO one out for him. Holy shit. Molly, tell us more about this urban lifestyle of yours. I'm in the Texas Rack app. Salt and Peppa and a good time rip to all the homies that have passed on before me.

[Molly Matledge]

I. I roller skate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You roller skate? Now that I believe the Texas rap thing. She had a boyfriend.

[Jeff Dye]

Should have opened with roller skating.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, roller skating is much more believable. I can picture you. You skate backwards. You, like, do crazy shit.

[D Madness]

That's still pretty black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is.

[D Madness]

I've seen the videos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. You ever been with a black man? They really like gingers. Oh, yeah, you have. Oh, look at this. That's where this is coming from. Hell yeah. Yeah. Is that your type? Is that your main go to?

[Molly Matledge]

It probably was more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gonna say a phase? Jesus, you about to say a phase? Just then actual real Ra. It bled through.

[Cam Patterson]

Was it black?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spider Man?

[Molly Matledge]

I dated a lot of black dudes when I was younger and a lot

[Louis J. Gomez]

that hurt my feelings. And I'm Puerto Rican.

[Molly Matledge]

Well, no, like, majority were black is I guess what I meant to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Molly Matledge]

Majority were black when I was younger and growing up. Maybe I'm not answering the question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. When's the last time you were with a black man? Oh, more specifically, a blind bass player.

[D Madness]

What was that?

[Jeff Dye]

I didn't hear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's got red hair. D. What are your thoughts about redheads?

[Michael White]

Nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the same to me. Can you tell if someone's redheaded?

[Unknown Comedian 1]

D?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there like a. Is there like a sense or something? You ever feel that?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No. All right.

[D Madness]

But he likes music, so he knows she has no soul.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, get back over there. You're creeping everybody. He doesn't know you're next to him. Molly, before I let you go, you are a very interesting interview. You seem like a real human. Like you still have a soul and everything. What? What is the most trouble you've ever gotten in with the law?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Fucking a black guy.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

That's why that phase ended early.

[Molly Matledge]

Got into a bit of a curfew violation when I was 13.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Molly Matledge]

Rode the cop car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Jeff Dye]

You crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wild and out. Am I right, Molly? Fun times. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations on your first time on this show. Have a great night, Molly. Mitch, good catch, by the way. Good first time? Really? Like for first, first time. Come on, make some noise for Molly, everybody. All right. Keeps going on your next bucket pool. I do believe we've seen this young man before. Makes the noise for the great Trey Campbell, everybody. Trey Campbell.

[Trey Campbell]

Hey, everybody. I've been getting a lot of ads on Facebook for things I don't need, mainly for free HIV testing. I don't understand why I'm getting this. I haven't been with a dude since I was seven. Shit's crazy. It happened the day before Thanksgiving. I can tell you what I wasn't thankful for. That I had to watch the whole Macy's Day Parade standing up. Shit sucked. He told me. He was like, yeah, man. This is what you do when you're in a relationship. And by God, when I lost my virginity, I got pegged. So I guess that he was right. This is just trauma. I'm not even telling jokes anymore. That's cool. Anyways, I'm very nervous. I'm not drunk, so. So, yeah, you know, it's crazy. I hooked up with this girl. Oh, shit. All right.

[Jeff Dye]

Right.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You hooked up with this girl and what?

[Trey Campbell]

It's just. I hooked up with this girl on Facebook. Dating. And we went to dialysis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're adorable. Trey Campbell. How about a hand for Trey, everybody? William Montgomery. If he was a parade float.

[Trey Campbell]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just jump right into it. Louis J. Gomez, Give it up.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Give it up for Molly, Molly's son, everyone.

[Trey Campbell]

That is my mom, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We are at a hundred percent ginger bucket pools. This is incredible. This is. Never happened before. There you go. That's. You know what that. You know what that sound means, everybody. Multiple redheads. There you go. There it is. I love it. Hello. Welcome back to the show, Trey. You've been on a couple times before.

[Trey Campbell]

This is my third time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And you did some fun stuff with William early on.

[Trey Campbell]

Had a great time. I was really high on Adderall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now you're doing stand up all the time. Long you been doing standup?

[Trey Campbell]

About a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love it?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else do you do? How do you make money?

[Trey Campbell]

I work at the secret group sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do there?

[Trey Campbell]

I'll stand by the door and, like, check people's IDs. And, like, they think I'm not working there because you look at me, I kind of look like a bridge troll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But, you know, you look like something. That's for sure. Kim Kardy. I appreciate it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You look like a bridge troll, a Reddit troll.

[D Madness]

I like that you're dressed the same way you were the day you got molested.

[Trey Campbell]

Thank you. Now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's adorable.

[Trey Campbell]

Clothes fits perfectly. I can tell you it didn't fit perfectly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trey Campbell.

[Jeff Dye]

It's the guy's, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It's penis. What kind of penis are you working with, Trey Campbell? What is it? Does the cutting match the drapes? Is it. Does it look like a clown?

[Trey Campbell]

No. I'm actually like, no. Yeah, it does. I was trying to think of something funny to say, but I didn't. Nah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd imagine a lot of pubes. Am I right? Does it, like, peek out? Like your hair does? Just, like, a little bit.

[Trey Campbell]

It's kind of like a miniature version of, like, my actual head.

[D Madness]

Imagine Louis CK in fetal position.

[Jeff Dye]

It's a funny

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trey.

[Trey Campbell]

Always getting laughs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else haven't we talked about in an interview? You must have thought of some stuff since the last time you were on that might be fun to share.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, man. It's been crazy. Like, I had somebody notice me at Kroger from this show, and I was really excited because I thought he was gonna let me shoplift. He didn't. He didn't let me shoplift.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotcha. I gotcha. How far did you commit to the shoplifting thing?

[Trey Campbell]

I was like, hey, can I keep these? And he was like, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow.

[Trey Campbell]

I'm like the worst criminal ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Hey, I'm gonna leave with this if it's all right. Is it all right?

[Trey Campbell]

It was not all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

What was it?

[Trey Campbell]

It was just a 24 pack of Dr. Peppers.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not.

[Jeff Dye]

He's just a shitty fan. That's all that means.

[Trey Campbell]

That guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

You're not a bad shoplift.

[Trey Campbell]

Hope he gets fired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The fact that you added a plural to Dr. Pepper is incredible.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

It's like 20 pack of Dr. Peppers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen.

[Trey Campbell]

24 Dr. Peppers in the.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

All I wanted was 24 Dr. Peppers.

[Trey Campbell]

They're expensive now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're cute. You're like. Like some type of. I don't even know what. He's like an Ewok or something like that. Right?

[Trey Campbell]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. I appreciate it. My God. You ever use this cuteness or adorability for. To get good things other than a 24 pack of Dr. Peppers?

[Trey Campbell]

Well, no, I should.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should. You should go. One Dr. Peppers at a time. Yeah.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Mind if I have this can of Dr.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet if you said that, if you said the full name to them, they'd be like, get out of here.

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Do you mind if I have this can of Dr. Peppers?

[Trey Campbell]

I should have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

This is fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. What's your love life like?

[Trey Campbell]

Not great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more. What are you into?

[Trey Campbell]

I just like any woman that's like, would like me. I don't know.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's the saddest thing I've ever heard

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in my entire life, but it's sweet.

[Jeff Dye]

And I just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

And I just watched Molly's One minute.

[Trey Campbell]

That's my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. When's the last time you were with a woman, Trey?

[Trey Campbell]

Probably about three weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where was that? In Hous.

[Trey Campbell]

I was in Port. Well, yeah, sort of. I was in Porter, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Trey Campbell]

Anybody here from Porter?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you, from the census?

[Trey Campbell]

I wish. That'd be a dope job, just going around asking people where they're from.

[D Madness]

That's open mics.

[Trey Campbell]

Oh, I've done a lot of those.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Trey. Well, how's moving to Austin now? You said you're gonna move?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, that's my goal. You know, my cruise is pretty comfortable.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

You're what?

[Trey Campbell]

My Chevy Cruze. We talked about this last time, remember?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you were pluralizing the word crew.

[Trey Campbell]

The cruise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My crews are doing good.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

We're drinking Dr. Peppers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I would love to have you back on the Secret show Thursday if you can. I'll be there, man. You know what they got there, Dr. Peppers? High ceilings. High ceilings?

[Michael White]

Yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

My comedy career is similar to the ceilings at Sunset Strip. I got a high.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's call it Sunset. I never even thought of that before. That's what I'm Gonna call it from now. Go on down to the Sunset. I got a comedy club. I actually kind of like that. It is what it is.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a Freudian slip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a more accurate name. There's no strips there, that's for sure. All right, so, Trey, you got a gig out of it. You already have joke books, right?

[Trey Campbell]

Yeah, I got one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You go the big one. Yeah, good. There he goes. Trey Campbell, everybody. St. Goodbye.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

You're welcome, buddy. We had a really good times up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's do another bucket pool. One word name. Very exciting. Make some noise for Longoria, everybody. Longoria. All right.

[Longoria]

It's been a rough start of the year. For one, I found out that my upstairs neighbor is not so much as a pussy crushing womanizer. I have grown to admire from a distance. He's just been married for a while and beats his wife a lot. Oh, you left. But he killed her. Yesterday I found out that people with down syndrome can actually get a driver license. And some of them can drive pretty good, which sucks, because now I don't know what to call Asian drivers anymore. And I've been dating this girl who has a very stinky pussy. But because it's very stinky, it's also very tight. So I figured if. If plants can grow and dogs can roam in the streets of Chernobyl, I can learn to love this stinky bitch. That's my time.

[Jeff Dye]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly a minute. Longoria, I do believe this is your first time on the show. Correct. I think I'd remember if a Dagestani wrestler came in here to do something. Holy shit, dude. What ethnicity are you?

[Longoria]

I mean, I don't mean to drop the bomb on you, but. Oh, I'm half Mexican and half Arab.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Longoria]

So, boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is going on? This place is out of control.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Ew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said half Mexican first, which I find interesting. You tried to throw us off and then we're like, yeah, what about the other half? And that's where you just said Arab. It's very broad answer. What's the other half? Half. Oh, that's it.

[Longoria]

Mexican and Arab.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what kind of Arab?

[Longoria]

Oh, Egyptian, sure,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's what they told you.

[Longoria]

Egyptian Le.

[D Madness]

I call those the whites of Arabs. Good answer.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Very smart to pick the only acceptable Arabs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. What kind of says you?

[D Madness]

That's what I meant. You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Longoria, how long you been doing stand up?

[Longoria]

Oh, this is my third time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How old are you? 32. Okay, tough questions. What do you do for a living?

[Longoria]

I work with Dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You what?

[Longoria]

I work with dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work with dogs? Yeah. Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He delivers. He delivers them to Hans Campbel. Okay.

[Longoria]

It's doordash. In that case, it is vague the

[Jeff Dye]

way he said that. I work with dogs. Just f. Let's get. What do you do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You stuff them with Arab bombs. Now what is it?

[Michael White]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do with dogs?

[Longoria]

It's a call center. I train them how to use their phone and change their names to Steve.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is going on?

[Longoria]

That didn't land that.

[D Madness]

I know one thing. This guy's dog has a stinky.

[Longoria]

I train them, I bathe them. I sell dog food. I'm like a nutritionist as well. Just anything to do with dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been. How long you been doing that for?

[Longoria]

Just a while. Just something I've always done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's wild to you?

[Longoria]

Like, I don't know, like, close to two decades. Like, almost 20 years.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I guess you're like a homeless dog whisperer.

[Longoria]

Something like that. I work with a lot of, like, rescues and. And, like, unwanted dogs, and I fix them up and find them homes.

[D Madness]

You fix them up?

[Longoria]

I have four dogs right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I believe you. Yeah, kind of like a scary dog, dude, what do your neighbors think of this dog trafficking business that you're running? Sh.

[Longoria]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your roommates?

[Longoria]

No, it's just me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you're able to pay for yourself?

[Longoria]

Yeah, no, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From this dog stuff.

[Longoria]

Yeah, well, it's not just that. I also, like. I sell collectibles online.

[D Madness]

There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, yeah. What kind of collectibles are we talking about? I'm from the Valley, bro.

[Longoria]

I got a lot of hustles stick up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's not. Don't cross the border and talk with Michael Gonzalez right now. I can tell half of you is leaning that way. The. Were we just talking about. What are the collectibles?

[Longoria]

Like, Funko Pops and sports cards and stuff like that? Just like, oh, this guy's on the spectrum toys and. No, it's just something I picked up during COVID and I like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The most profitable thing you've ever sold. Give us the. Would you pay for it? Would you sell it for Funko Pops?

[Longoria]

I bought one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you saying.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, I thought he was saying fun kebabs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Delicious. What the. A phone kebab?

[Longoria]

Sorry, dude, I'm just nervous, so, like, my pronunciation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm nervous. I sign up for show now.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

I'm on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the Is going on over there? Jeez, Keep your. Keep your panic attacks to yourself, all right?

[Longoria]

All Right. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stay in the pocket here.

[Longoria]

I'm not nervous. I'm not nervous.

[Molly Matledge]

I'm not nervous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love this. This is what the guys were like on the plane on 9 11. They're just trying to play cool.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, I wonder if they're serving food today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody ready for a fun flight? Some shady going on over here. Dude. You ever think about doing a terrorist attack? Is there just a half of you? That's like. I could see why.

[Shelby Boyd]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, how would you do it?

[Longoria]

Very carefully.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good answer. That's a good answer. That's what. That's exactly how Osama bin Laden thought. Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love the fact that he leans into the whole terrorist look too. Dude. I don't. You're not religious, right? You don't have to do this.

[Longoria]

No, I don't get any virgins at the end of this.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude.

[Longoria]

It's just eternal darkness.

[D Madness]

He just himself 72 times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? No.

[Michael White]

Ah.

[Anthony Moan]

It's.

[Longoria]

It's pretty solid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good question. Red band.

[Jeff Dye]

It's just cheaper to not shave.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you said very confidently that you live alone. How much money are we making from this dog business? How do you. How do you have your own place?

[Longoria]

Dude.

[Casey Rocket]

I make from that.

[Longoria]

I just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wait a minute. You work at Petco. You're not in the dog business, Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You totally made it look like you have your own. I do do.

[Longoria]

It's just like on the side. It's not like a full thing right now. I just moved here a few months ago, so I'm trying to get it going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're hustling a backdoor business at Petco. Have you been thinking about getting rid of this dog?

[Jeff Dye]

No.

[Longoria]

I gotta jump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a comb. I don't know why I went with a comb, but I'm picturing a comb. Do you. I worked to be annoying sometimes. Do you dance when that music comes on like that? Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I do These Trafficking dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a dog business. What do you want? I work with dogs. The. Was that. All right. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go?

[Longoria]

Oh, I'm probably gonna think about it.

[Michael White]

As soon as.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Special skills or talents other than standup comedy. You ever.

[Longoria]

I ride parody music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yes. Okay. Who is that? Say you. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. What? To the tune of what? What kind of parody music?

[Longoria]

But just so you know, I don't sing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well.

[Longoria]

I Just write.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know.

[Longoria]

Just let's focus on the lyrics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there's no way you're gonna start enunciating to mute music. Just to let you know, I do not sing very well. You might be surprised by these. I work with dogs.

[Longoria]

I'm gonna regret this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. To the tune of what? Do you have a whole band that can play anything right here, right now?

[Longoria]

They're gonna lose this. Their street cred, but you know, Bad day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Longoria]

Bad day.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Literally nobody knows that song.

[Longoria]

Some white guy with a beanie

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

had a bad day. That song?

[Longoria]

Yes, that song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the. All right. Is that what you play before your terrorist attack? Oh, they got that very quickly. Yeah.

[D Madness]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This really is a professional band.

[Michael White]

Wait, that's not it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that it?

[Trey Campbell]

Is it?

[Longoria]

Okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think they're wrong?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm so impressed that they pulled that out just now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you know what?

[Longoria]

Nah, I'm not gonna pull this off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, just do it. Do something.

[Hans Kim]

You had a bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jump in whenever you want.

[Longoria]

Okay. Where is the paper when you need it the most? You keep forgetting we had to buy those. They promise your butthole dust shaft as long as you use baby wipes. You don't have to pay your bills tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause you had a bad day but you lost your job so you had to sell it and clean your own butt. Holy. That was hilariously terribly bad.

[D Madness]

That was a terror attack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gloriously bad. D madness couldn't take him going off beat during the chorus and just starts going that he would throw him off and stop everything. And it worked, by the way. I watched the whole thing happen. D had enough. Just. He's like, what's going on? I am singing my parody. I'm not a very good singer. I don't understand beats, rhythm or timing. But anyway, other than that, you might.

[Longoria]

Like I said, I just write him, dude. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jeff died.

[Jeff Dye]

I think that went way better than

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought it was going to though, of course.

[Jeff Dye]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what happens. That's what happens. I fucking keep digging until I find one fucking interesting thing about somebody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I gotta give this guy credit. He's technically a little talented. It was his third time doing stand up comedy.

[Jeff Dye]

He was funny, the jokes were decent.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's an interesting fucking weird little guy. I want to be friends with you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

Let him kill as many dogs as he wants. Good guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll tell you what, man. You'll get a big joke book. It was a great appearance. Congratulations. There he goes. Longoria, the kil Tony debut of Longoria. And now we are rewarded with one of our great regulars on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy's an absolute sensation. The goddamn thriving, upand cominging young superstar. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great Cam Patter.

[Cam Patterson]

I was. I was doing a show a couple nights ago, and there was a dude in the front row. He was just giving me, like, this death stare. Like everybody else was enjoying it. He was just like, nigga, I. What the fuck? But he was just like, nigga, I hate you. The whole time. He just wouldn't break or wouldn't crack a smile. Towards the end of my set, I was like, hey, man, what do you. What do you do for work, bro? He was like, I'm a cop. Not like. Like, that's why you don't like me. That makes sense. That makes perfect sense. And then by my last joke, I finally got him to laugh. I finally got him to crack open and smile. And after that, I said, hey, man, you have a good time. He said, I really enjoyed it. I was like, you have a good enough time. If you pull me over at 3:00 in the morning, I was blackout drunk. I got four prostitutes in the back seat, two pounds of weed, a Glock with a switch on it. Would you let me go? He was like, you. So for the. I let you go. I'm like, you was a terrible police officer. You supposed to shoot me. Repeat after me.

[Jeff Dye]

I saw a gun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my time. Boom. 59 seconds from cam Patterson. Fuck yeah. Did it again.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah. That was one, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Michael White]

We did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Got three absolutely beautiful 47 seconds with Cam Patterson, folks.

[Cam Patterson]

You said 59.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. It was 59. We got the clock right here. You guys all know Cam. International superstar Cam Patterson.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Cam's hilarious.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's going on this week? Anything crazy?

[Cam Patterson]

Man? I. For the last two weeks, I was very sad. Cause I thought I had herpes. It was just the ingrown hair. So I was good. But I was very nervous. I got tested. Just chlamydia again.

[Michael White]

We winning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there you go.

[Cam Patterson]

Now I'm playing if you want to fuck me tonight. That was a joke. I do not have chlamydia. White bitch. Look at me. No chlamydia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Clean dick.

[D Madness]

Oh, my God. We should call him Clam Patterson.

[Jeff Dye]

I think that was a crime, what he just did to that lady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually, you shut the up, white man. You beat a. In his defense, he did find the most blatant hoe in the audience and pointed right at her.

[Jeff Dye]

That's a pretty catch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chlamydia twice. There's no double chlamydia. She's looking at him like you have. No, I watched a crab jump onto another audience.

[D Madness]

You watch her boy boyfriend think about how big Cam's dick is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. The poor guy's just like, oh, look, he's sweating.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no, wait, That's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a whipper.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

I had it that day, Cam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For my girl. Wait, I don't think that's the right beat. I love it. So how long did you go with the ingrown hair until you took the time test?

[Cam Patterson]

About two weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. That's scary.

[D Madness]

Right after he corn rode it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did do that.

[Cam Patterson]

That was bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do black people ever do anything like that? Is that a tradition? Do they have any pubic?

[Jeff Dye]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What do you do, John? What do you got down there? You got candy cornrows? What's happening? It was young. What?

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, I don't need.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He realized he's talking to a room full of white people. I love it. Cam, when you were. When you thought you had this scare, did you stay away from.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I ain't nobody. I was being very good. It was ho.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm saying? I was. I ain't nobody.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's a better guy than me.

[D Madness]

Philanthropist.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

When we was in Vancouver, it was like, too old. I was like, I want to you. And I was like, I don't think you should. I don't think it's a good idea for your health right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And I thought about it deeply. I thought about it deeply. I should have did it thinking back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Cam Patterson]

Nothing was wrong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. It's true. Just some

[Cam Patterson]

pussy, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Pain.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what that is. See my face. Pain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get the hair out? Did you pop it? And like, I had a little baby hair thing that was all twirled like a messed up. Yeah, the hair, when you pulled it out.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, that's. Smell it.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You always smell it. Red band smells everything.

[Cam Patterson]

Did you also eat it? Red man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I unfold it and look at it. It's cool. I get a lot of ingrown hairs. I'm hairy. Disgusting. Wow. This is another episode of disgusting Red Band with disgusting Red Band brought to you by disgusting red Band and only enjoyed by Disgusting Red band. And we're back to kill Tony. Ah, I love it. Cam, what else is going on? Anything else we need to know about?

[Michael White]

I got.

[Cam Patterson]

I got these two. I called him, my two girlfriend. But they did two Schlutz I knew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, Schlutz.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, Schlutz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, damn, that's good to me.

[Cam Patterson]

I like how I said, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Schlutz.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, child, you know, Say it, Jeff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say.

[Cam Patterson]

Say Schlitz.

[Jeff Dye]

Sch.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, go.

[D Madness]

That sounded Jewish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

O. I found these described some real giver uppers. Just putting it out there. I saw the coin purse.

[D Madness]

We're just going to Schlotz around here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is. This is Schlutzberg and this is Schlutstein.

[D Madness]

It makes sense because he did have to come through a tunnel to get here, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Cam Patterson]

That was beautiful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An underground railroad, if you will. Anything else for Cam guys? Killing it. Thriving, headlining major tours. Out on the road with me. We're having so much fun. How about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody. Great minute every week. Great interview every week. And the fun goes on. Back to the bucket we go. You guys hanging in there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll. We're going to meet them all together. It's Matt Hart. Hart, everybody. Matt Hart is the next.

[Matt Hart]

Been having kind of a weird day. Somebody asked me if I was born a man or a woman. What the. I was born a baby who's giving birth to fully grown people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know,

[Matt Hart]

I used to date a girl with a shopping addiction. Yeah. She would not stop buying heroin. Yeah. It's kind of sad. She actually shopped till she drops. I don't know why I did that. I'm Jewish. Yeah. I actually got made fun of for being Jewish when I was a kid. People would throw a penny on the ground and they'd be like, are you gonna pick that up, Jew? And I mean, I picked it up, but it's not because I'm Jewish. It's because if you take that penny and invest it, then over time, with compound interest, pretty good financial decision.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Matt Hart, welcome to the show, Matt.

[Matt Hart]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you've done this a couple times. How long have you been on stand up?

[Matt Hart]

About five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years? Where at?

[Matt Hart]

I started in upstate New York, and I moved here, like, two years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love it. You moved to Austin two years ago?

[Matt Hart]

Yes. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Where you been this whole time? Have you signed up for the show before?

[Matt Hart]

Yeah, this is, I think, like, the 90th time I've signed up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious? Holy. And it's your first time on, right?

[Matt Hart]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing. That's how weird it is. It doesn't make any goddamn sense. So welcome, welcome, my God, 90 times. Is this how you pictured it? What's different?

[Matt Hart]

It's. It's honestly amazing. It's the. Actually, I. I'm less nervous than I thought I was gonna be.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I guess that's what I. Oh, I hate that cockiness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's where the five years of experience gets. Yeah, that's for sure.

[Michael White]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

It looks like John Gamos.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He's. He's deceivingly handsome because from this angle, when you turn your face to the side, you look like a goober.

[Matt Hart]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But from the front, you're beautiful. Like, I'm like, oh, my God.

[D Madness]

It's actually true.

[Hans Kim]

And that.

[Matt Hart]

I'm actually Matt Rife. I just had done to my face, so I'm just looking.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Can you show them. Show them your profile how gross you are from the pro. Look at Ew, Right? Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One second he's. And the next he's Ben Shapiro, everybody. It's amazing. This guy is not good looking from the front. You guys, stop it. What? What kind of guys do you like? What a stud. Look at this upstate New York Jew. Never seen a more masculine man in my life.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a handsome guy. Am I crazy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[D Madness]

Is. That's just a dude with a mother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's something ultra attractive about him. Am I right? Is this not the best looking guy I've ever seen? All right. Yeah. This is the sound of Louis J. Gomez's heart right now. Normally. Normally I'm the. On the episode, Louis, the man has a beautiful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Don't tell me he's got a beautiful face. He's competing with Jeff Dial. This is crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you into dudes?

[Louis J. Gomez]

Me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're defensive.

[Matt Hart]

Whatever gets me into Hollywood, you know what I mean?

[D Madness]

Like, oh, he is Matt Rife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Matt Hart]

No, I have a fiance that's a lady, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What is she do? She is.

[Matt Hart]

She's a breadwinner. Yeah, she's a therapist, so, yeah, it's pretty much okay. Makes most of the money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do?

[Matt Hart]

I'm a bartender right now, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. On 6th Street?

[Matt Hart]

No, it's just like south of Austin. Like an Oak Hill area.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been bartending?

[Matt Hart]

Just since I moved here. This is my first service industry job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you doing before that?

[Matt Hart]

I used to work. I worked at the airport, a small airport, for like five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do at the airport? Tell us. Tell us, Matt Hart. Tell us what you did. It's okay. Tell us. What about the little airport?

[Matt Hart]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little tiny airport. It was the tiniest airport.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

You've ever seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In fact, it wasn't even for full size airplanes.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

It was actually for remote control airplanes. And all they had to drink there was 24 packs of Dr. Peppers. It was the littlest airport you've ever seen. It was for mostly paper airplanes actually. Oops, oops, I stepped on one of my toys. I'm gonna tell you about the. Oh, whoops.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that worked. That hurt. All right, here, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Tony is out alpha in you right now. You look like a what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I out Alpha you5 minutes ago. You don't you remember? How did you forget that just happened? You're overcompensating for. You don't even realize it. Oh, you're okay now. I like you now. You're gay. Yeah. Okay, tell us about the little tiny airport.

[Matt Hart]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oops, I stepped on it again.

[Matt Hart]

I mean, you pretty much nailed it, but it's like, yeah, just small Airport Albany.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tiny as could be.

[Matt Hart]

The smallest, my guest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Goodness.

[D Madness]

Yeah, I feel like it's big for you though.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

I'll tell you all, all the, all the pilots had a hard time finding the airport. Cuz from up there in the sky, it was so tiny. It was even tinier from when you're way up in the sky.

[D Madness]

I don't even have any help when I go in there. It's like, what am I going to do all alone in this airport? Well, maybe, maybe if I had a friend, I could go to the airport alone.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Maybe I could sign up for kill Tony 90 times. But I swear to God, if I don't get picked on that 91st time, I'm out of there for good. I'm gonna go back to the tiny airport and make something out of myself. They always said they wanted me back there anyway. I'm gonna give it 90 chances till I head back to the world's tiniest little airport that you've ever seen.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Dude, don't let him get into your head. You're fucking hot, dude. You're hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let' yeah, Okay, seriously, tell us about the tiny airport.

[Matt Hart]

Yeah, so, yeah, well, as I said, you guys might know this, it was small. And it was basically, I did every job at the airport. That's how small it was. So I was, one second I'm out

[Unknown Comedian 1]

there, I'm, you know, one second I'm guided getting in the planes, these tiny little airplanes. And then when they arrived, I helped them with their luggage and I asked, do you want anything?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you need anything?

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Do you have a car service coming? Would you like me to order an Uber? For you. Welcome to the world's tiniest airport. I used to have to duck down when I would go inside because it was made for tiny people doing tiny things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Things.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Carry ons. Only at this airport. Oh, boy. Hope you didn't check any luggage. Oh. Because if you did, I'm gonna help you with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I'm really.

[Jeff Dye]

You.

[Matt Hart]

You're making it sound stupid, but that's pretty accurate. That's kind of what it was like.

[Jeff Dye]

So you're a funny guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guy.

[Michael White]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, Matt. So you live here full time. You do stand up a lot. What's the longest set that you have?

[Matt Hart]

I've done about 20 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you want to.

[Longoria]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're beautiful. And you got a big joke, buck. Boom. Make some noise for Matt Hart, everybody. A fantastic Kill Tony debut. Could be 90 more weeks until you see him again.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

he's not done tonight. Another bucket pool. We having fun out there. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Shelby Boyd, everybody. Here we go. Shelby Boyd, everyone. Makes the noise for Shelby, everybody.

[Shelby Boyd]

Hey. So Texas is weird. At least I think it is. Because the other day I was at work and I hear someone around the corner walking in heels, and I'm imagining this tall, beautiful, successful businesswoman, and instead, this short, stocky man with a cowboy hat rounds the corner. Corner really threw me off. But I have a couple jokes for you about tortoises. So my tortoise is like a piano. It'll kill you if it falls 50ft under your head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it.

[Shelby Boyd]

My brother saw a turtle in Cancun, but I one upped him because I see a turtle every night when I shower with my husband. Husband. And honestly, I expected these jokes to last a little longer, so that's all I had for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Shelby Boyd, welcome. Hello. How recently did you escape from a mental hospital? Is it hours ago or pretty recently?

[Shelby Boyd]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going, Shelby? How long you been doing stand up?

[Shelby Boyd]

About six months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas, in College Station. Okay. Up there near the Dixie Chicken.

[Shelby Boyd]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know the Dixie Chicken?

[Shelby Boyd]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know what I'm talking about, but you said. Yep. Yep. Okay. Very good. It's a giant bar there where everybody goes after Texas A and M games. I just so happen to be friends with one of the greatest college football players and football players of all time, the great Johnny Manzel, Texas own. Make some noise for Johnny Manzel, everybody. Big Boots is here. There he is right there. What's up with your tortoise? Are you crazy? Do you have a tortoise?

[Shelby Boyd]

I do have a tortoise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How big is it?

[Shelby Boyd]

About that big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[D Madness]

I saw this on an episode of Love on the Spectrum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He broke up with her. Right. Well, tell us more about this tortoise. How did you get into the tortoises? Start as a snake addiction or something. How do you get to tortoises?

[Shelby Boyd]

No, my brother in law actually got it when he was a kid and typical. He doesn't take care of his pets, so I stole it from him.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Typically, yes, you're right. People don't take care of the tortoises.

[D Madness]

Yeah, they live a long time.

[Shelby Boyd]

They're pretty hard to take care of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you have to do?

[Shelby Boyd]

You have to feed them once a day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Longoria]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Easier than a cat.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah. These answers are exactly what I would expect about a tortoise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jeff Dye]

When you asked it, I was like, this isn't going to be interesting at all. And I was right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, it's. It is though. You love your tortoise.

[Shelby Boyd]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. There you go. Don't disrespect this. She's obviously. You know, I bet I have a

[Jeff Dye]

thing with female comedians. It's a problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shelby, what do you do for a living?

[Shelby Boyd]

I'm a marine Marine biologist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a what? What?

[Shelby Boyd]

A marine. Marine biologist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a marine?

[Shelby Boyd]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Marine?

[Shelby Boyd]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Biologist?

[Shelby Boyd]

Yes.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I'm a comedian. Comedian.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you work for the marines? You're a Marine?

[Shelby Boyd]

I am a marine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And your role is being a marine biologist or that's two separate things.

[Shelby Boyd]

Two separate, separate things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're a marine and you're also a marine biologist?

[Shelby Boyd]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not a marine Marine biologist?

[Shelby Boyd]

I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, no, you're a Marine and you're also a marine biologist. If you were a Marine Marine biologist, that means you would put on camo, go to a base, and then study underwater animals. Sorry, got bad news for you. But you don't do that. That's a separate thing. And you're also, in addition to being a marine, you are also and friend. A marine biologist.

[Shelby Boyd]

That's two of my careers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Shelby, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of girl likes to crack a good can of Mountain Dews.

[Shelby Boyd]

Like to hang out with my tortoise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what else? Tell us more about you, Shelby.

[Shelby Boyd]

I'm actually a pretty boring person. I just.

[Louis J. Gomez]

No way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You identify as a tortoise. We know. You're Kind of boring.

[D Madness]

She tells the story, and the tortoise is like, please, I only have 300 more years.

[Jeff Dye]

Tortoise is like, God, get me the out of here. Jesus Christ.

[D Madness]

I wish her brother would have starved me.

[Jeff Dye]

Why did I have to be a father?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tortoise? It's an easy job. All I need is fed once a day. This talking my. Do they have ears?

[Jeff Dye]

They do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like turtles.

[Casey Rocket]

Whoa.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Is that offensive to the tortoise community that he just said he likes turtles?

[Shelby Boyd]

Tortoises are turtles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, word.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I stand corrected.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the difference? What's the difference between a turtle and a tortoise?

[Shelby Boyd]

A tortoise is a turtle that does not like to swim.

[D Madness]

So it's black. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There you go. No, it can.

[Jeff Dye]

It just doesn't like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Starting wide receiver, rear Alabama tortoise.

[D Madness]

Molly just poured one out for the tortoise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would we be surprised to know about you, Shelby? You seem like you have some deep, dark secrets.

[Shelby Boyd]

I'm actually only here because my husband wanted to get on Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Shelby Boyd]

And I stole his spot.

[Longoria]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he sign up as well?

[Shelby Boyd]

He did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the plan was that it doubles his chances if you get called up, that I would go, is your husband here? And then I would call him up. Not particularly, but it was mentioned at some point.

[Cam Patterson]

That's why she mentioned it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

She's being a shady right now.

[Michael White]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to get this answer. It was talked about.

[Shelby Boyd]

Not until I was back there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Shelby Boyd]

And then I mentioned that, you know, my husband brought me, and then they made.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he's the one that really wanted to get on stage.

[Shelby Boyd]

He is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you did indeed take his spot, which could have been his piece of paper that I pulled.

[Shelby Boyd]

It could have been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Instead of you talking about a tortoise for eight minutes straight. Well, I don't care to see your husband at all. How about that?

[Jeff Dye]

Fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about that? I'm sure they would move a little bit faster. Yeah. In fact, we should. We should blacklist him.

[D Madness]

That's so funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trying to bend the rules here in the kill Sony behavior, dude. Yep. Yep. He could tour anywhere else, but he can't tour this. You know what I'm saying? Stupid. So stupid. So stupid. Took me 10 minutes to come up with that. It's okay. All right, there she goes. Get out of here, Shelby Boyd. Here you go, Shelby. Here's a little joke book. Boom. There you go. All right. We pulled another name out. They wrangled the person. Make some Noise for Shahab Tabatrenazad. Shahab Tabara Benazad how you guys doing tonight?

[Shelby Boyd]

Okay.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Oh. Oh, these lights are bright. Pull together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Okay.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I just, I just found out that. Fuck. I'm really nervous. Sorry. Come on, come on. Okay, I just found out. Okay, I got this. I just found out that Ricky Martin is gay. No. Nobody else. Okay? Just me.

[Michael White]

Fuck.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Fuck. I just found out he's gay and now I just feel really, really uncomfortable every time I masturbate to the thought of him. My drug dealer and I both think that the other is a cop. It makes purchasing drugs very difficult. Black people will often look at me. Please let me finish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. Black people often look at you and what I want to know.

[Cam Patterson]

Black people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's almost one looking at you right now behind you. Just to let you know, technically he is. Is facing you.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Black people often look at me like they're just waiting for me to say something racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Being a people pleaser. I'm conflicted. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. That's it. That's. Oh, God, there should be so much more there.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you had me on the head edge of my seat. Wow. I'm conflicted. This guy is like a. Yeah, it's right there. You got it all right there. You're like a master of setups. Zero punch lines.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are just the. You had us all and then you show weakness at every turn. I know.

[Jeff Dye]

I freaked out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The last thing I was expecting you to say after 22nd, this guy's naturally funny. Applause break was, oh, the lights are bright. It was such a. Dude, you can't

[D Madness]

have anxiety in leather.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, you, you're like charisma. Less dice. What is going on right now?

[Jeff Dye]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hickory dickory dock. This guy's comedy sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Oh, you're like Andrew Dicey Clay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're like if they had testosterone and medicine for Freddy Mercury back in the day. This is a. You seem like you should be a rock star. What is your story? What was that? How many times have you done stand up comedy?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I've, I've done stand up for about a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where at?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

In Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In Chicago? Yeah. This is the old. Some, some of Chicago's fine town.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Don't, don't, don't judge Chicago on this. This was. I, this was, this was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for work?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I, I. Oh, boy. I drive Uber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. Were you an actor? Did you do theater or something in Chicago? Chicago?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No, no. I worked at a university for 14 years, and then I did stand up one time and I was like, I want to do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what did you do at the university?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Administration. So all the back end paperwork stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I bet you have back end paperwork, dude. You gay?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? You just said that you jerked off to Ricky Martin and acted gay for a minute.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No, no, I just said I get uncomfortable when I jerk off when there's

[Louis J. Gomez]

a penis in my butt.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Who are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, no.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Wow.

[D Madness]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shahab Dabad. What are you? What ethnicity?

[D Madness]

Who are you?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

It's. And Persian. My parents are from Iran. They came here in the mid-70s.

[D Madness]

You look like a greaser that never

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

you do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem very shy and reserved and, like, what's going on here? Tell us about you. Are you like a conservative guy? You stick to your Iranian roots?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No, no, I was. I was like, straight edge until 38. And then. And then I got divorced. I did MDMA with a beautiful Dominican woman and had a religious experience. So that's.

[D Madness]

I hate this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is interesting. You're so likable until you talk. Shah, is the beautiful Dominican woman here tonight?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No, she's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's she at?

[Louis J. Gomez]

She killed herself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, let's stick with the interview here. Stick with me, Shahab. Keep answering questions.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it just a one night thing you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It was.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Yes, it was a one night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us about your divorce. Do you have kids?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long were you married for?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

We were together 13 years. Mar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This was an Iranian arranged marriage?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No, she's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your last name is what again?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Tabo. Tabo. Jud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And you weren't in an arranged marriage?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got to just do whatever you want. Say it again.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say it again. Yeah. Dude.

[D Madness]

Say it one more time and a genie comes out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It sounds like you're falling down the stairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Say it again. That is unbelievable. It's an extremely long 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 letters in that last name.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

It's a lot. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That's a lot for a last name.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

And it's like. It's kind of cut short. I actually have, like, an official title. I have a. Say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that? Say the whole thing. The whole thing? Yeah, say the whole thing.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

It's a Sayed Shah.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, sorry.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I'm freaking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Their lights are.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

I'm freaking out, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the up. Dude, how do you wear that jacket? How.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

How.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did someone sell you that jacket? They're like, man, I really shouldn't do that.

[D Madness]

Hold my heart in my chest.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Actually, that's. It's like a security blanket.

[D Madness]

Oh, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. It's like a security blanket, I must say. Is that your real hair?

[Jeff Dye]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Jeff Dye]

That's what I was thinking. That's why I've been staring at this. I'm like, that hairline is here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is kind of crazy.

[Jeff Dye]

Good hairline.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The hair in the jacket's Amazon Prime.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. Red band. Not the highest batting average, but when he gets a hold of that, it goes out of the park. They gotta go in the river to. They have to go get in their kayak to get that home run ball deep out of the arena. It does look like that. You look like that. You look like we ordered you off of Amazon Prime Prime. Good job. Red band. Hell yeah. Two day delivery. Look at this guy. My goodness. So did I ask you what you do for work? Uber driver. That's the whole answer. You're like a creepy Uber driver.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Something.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I'm actually. I not a creep. I think I'm a very good Uber.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of car do you have?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I have a Prius.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wear that jacket while driving that car?

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, no.

[D Madness]

The Prozac of cars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[D Madness]

Get in. You didn't hear it start?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just make the noises with your mouth. You ready to ride?

[D Madness]

Oh, welcome to my Uber. God, I'm so nervous I'm driving you today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, I'm not really good at this.

[D Madness]

I hope we make it to your destination, but if we don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the. The headlights coming at us are very bright.

[D Madness]

Oh, no. Is that a stoplight? Is that a stoplight ahead?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll tell you, black people often think I'm gonna say something racist.

[Jeff Dye]

Yeah, I do. I get you and I get the jacket. I don't know how you fucking decided to wear the jacket. Like what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like.

[Jeff Dye]

Nothing about you is this look.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love love where he's going with us. Tell us the truth about that jacket. What made you get it? Where were you? When did it happen? It looks like it's like it's first night out or something like that.

[D Madness]

It looks like it belongs to JonBenet Ramsey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right. I'm talking to Edward Scissorhands over here. If he's a. After being made a real man again. You were once a cookie,

[Casey Rocket]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where did you first see the jacket? Tell us about this. Have you. Have you owned it a long time?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I've.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. Tell us about the jacket.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Yes, yes. Focus. Okay, I got it. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. God, right when I.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Right when I was getting divorced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When was that?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

What's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't know when you got divorced.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

September of 2018.

[Trey Campbell]

2018.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so there we are five years ago. Keep going. Nice and slow. Okay, some better lighting on this.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I was in Chicago. I was in Chicago at the shots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice and slow. Take your time.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

At the shots leather jacket store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I. Louder, but take your time.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Yes, thank you. At. At the shots leather jacket store. And I tried this on, and I took a picture of it. And then for two years, I just thought about this. Jacket. Jacket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm serious. Oh, God. Come on, come on. So hold on, hold on. Pause for applause. You got this. You're doing what the guy in the jacket should have done all along. We're finally. We got you there. We're slowing you down. Breathe a little bit in through your nose. No, not.

[Jeff Dye]

Not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just breathe in and out through your nose.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Deeply, though.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you thought about it every day for two years, and then what happened?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

So what I realized about myself was I was. Whenever I'd go to a thrift store, I'd look for a leather jacket, and I ended up, like, buying, like, multiple shitty versions of this one. And I thought it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many. How many versions? You think you were chasing that dragon? How many do you think you bought?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I think two or three.

[Michael White]

Wow.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

And then finally I realized, like, it's important to just get the thing you want in life and not settle for some shitty version.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you remember where you were when you had that thought, that moment?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I was in Chicago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Still in Chicago. Sorry. Yeah.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Where did I have that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The entire city. I became a cloud that day, and I overtook the entire city of Chicago. And while being that cloud, I realized, realized, get what you want. Keep going. Keep going.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

So I think I was. I was most probably in my apartment because I spent the two years of the pandemic alone in my apartment doing a lot of psychedelics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know a lot of psychedelics, right? Okay.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Did you used to have a crazy job or something?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I worked at a university.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. And you were. You were like, buy the book and all this stuff. And then you. You did MDMA with a Dominican chick. Divorced your wife, went out on your own. You're like, I'm gonna make it. I'm Iranian. As I'm gonna be an Uber driver. Yeah, well, you're like, I'm gonna fulfill what an Iranian should truly be doing with the last name. My. I mean, if this last. If I got you as an Uber driver, I'm like, guys, it's okay. Our ride's on the way. It's Shahab. Top of the medicine is on bar the third. No big deal. We have nothing to worry about. Sure. It's going to be a super safe ride. And then a Prius rolls up. You're like, get in. Okay, tell us about the jacket. Let's go back.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So thought about it. You realize I can get what I want. How long after that? How long did it take you after you had that epiphany to buy the shots leather jacket that you thought about every day for two.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Two years. It was two full years. And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you realized you should get it, and then you got it.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Yeah, I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much was it?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

It was like $900.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's it.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why did you wait so long? Hey, that was the insurmountable hill that you couldn't get over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Jeff Dye]

That's.

[D Madness]

Well, that's a lot. That's a lot. Don't be a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a lot of Uber rides in an Uber X. Yeah. I don't know if you know what 15 of 21 is, but

[D Madness]

he was Puerto Rican for a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a lot. Okay, so how did you feel when you went back to shots? You tried it on again, didn't you, before you bought it?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

You know, they had the shots. Chicago store closed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there's a huge twist here. So then what happened? You went online. You had to go. You had to go to the website.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you had to take a chance, didn't you?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

No, no, because I. When I. I took. I did like a photo shoot with my. With a jacket. Jacket, and I specifically took pictures of the size. It's like a 38 long.

[D Madness]

I got really long arms the whole time. JonBenet is decomposing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[D Madness]

Pineapple to the stomach.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Look at you now, just using a bomber jacket. What it was meant for all along, you know? Is it a bomber jacket? Is that what that says, a bomber jacket? No, it's not even a bomber. A bomber camera is one of the inflatable ones. Yeah, I it up. It's still good. It still counts.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Oh, yeah, that's good. That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, tell us something else crazy that we'd be shocked to know about you. This interview has gone on way too long, but I feel like there's more there.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

In the last 60 days, I've done seven nights of ayahuasca.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that answers a lot. How long have you been signing up for the show?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I think this is my fifth or sixth time.

[Casey Rocket]

I.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

So I. I've been traveling back and forth from here to Chicago. I don't really live anywhere right now. I'm a bit. No, nomadic, so just kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live in your Prius?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I do.

[Louis J. Gomez]

That's a really cool way to say homeless dude.

[Jeff Dye]

He lives at work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All right. When you love what you do, that is so interesting. Do you love what you do?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I really like talking to strangers. And my favorite thing is like, is

[Louis J. Gomez]

that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

[D Madness]

Also, you were terrified to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I love talking to children and little strangers and trying to get them to come to my van.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Who are you really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Shahab, how old are you?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I am 43.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

43. Wow. You don't look a day over 62. That's incredible. How long you been doing it again?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

So I did it one time and then I quit my job June of 22 and started doing stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There's a little joke book.

[Molly Matledge]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We still having fun out there? How do you feel? You good?

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Yeah, I feel really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Happy? Yeah.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

I mean, I wish I would have done better, but I appreciate you guys being so nice.

[Jeff Dye]

Not you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Human.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so human. Why are you so sweet?

[Louis J. Gomez]

I hate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stop. I'm gonna keep him here longer. There's more. I figured you quite out yet. What's a dark side to you? Tell us an actual. Because you seem all goody two shows. You know, I like everybody after done better. It's kind of wild.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Yeah. After college I wanted to join the Marine Corps just to like, see how much suffering and misery I could take. But then my college sweetheart, later wife and then ex wife was like, it's me or the marines. And I ended up not doing it. So I always had that regret because I was curious where my breaking point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever thought about being a Marine? Marine biologist. All right, I'm getting you out of here. There you go. Shabdam. Fuck. Yeah. Guy's a little bit too human. He's like too human. Get out of here. Shabbat. There he goes. Look at him. He's so sweet. He's like a. He's like one of those people from like an old sitcom or something. Hi, I'm Shahab Tabata. Bit. All right. Make some noise for Anthony Moan or monet perhaps Anthony Monet. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Anthony Monet.

[Anthony Moan]

So recently I started doing the keto diet, right? That's not funny. Oh, but I tell you what, if you guys want to feel alienated and get some dirty load looks, then you should come out to your Italian family as being keto. I had one uncle tell me that he wished I came out of the closet for real. Instead, He goes, suck all the dicks you want, dude, but you're giving up bread. That fucking hurt, man. I'll tell you.

[Louis J. Gomez]

But, yeah, it's.

[Anthony Moan]

It's awful. I tell you. Like, honestly, you guys got to see the disgraced looks on their faces as I just desecrate the top of a slice of pizza. They honestly, they treat me like I'm a disgrace. You know, like, they treat me like we're a Muslim family and I'm the only member of the family who eats pork exclusively. They treat me like we're an Indian family.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Family.

[Anthony Moan]

And I'm the only member of the family who didn't become a doctor or an IT guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there it is. Thank you, Monet. Am I saying that right, Monet? Moan. Moan.

[Anthony Moan]

Yes, sir. Oh, I should probably grab the mic, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Moan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Welcome, Anthony Moan. How long you been on standup?

[Anthony Moan]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Anthony Moan]

Upstate New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, wow, wow. Ongoing theme in tonight's episode where?

[Anthony Moan]

Rochester, towards the East Coast. Like, near Albany.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, it's rough out there. The worst.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah, it's one of those places. There's not a lot to say, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, you've lived there your whole life.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah. A little closer to Saratoga, but Albany is, like, the closest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How old are you?

[Anthony Moan]

33.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

33. Yes, sir. You have all your old buddies from high school and everything?

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah, I mean, my high school was like, one of those like. Like, like extra white high schools. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, Upstate New York, we definitely know. What do you do for work? Sounds nice.

[Anthony Moan]

Oh, I'm a barber, unfortunately, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Anthony Moan]

It's a terrible job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yikes. Where do you live now?

[Anthony Moan]

I just moved to Austin about six months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How do you like Austin?

[Anthony Moan]

I like it, man. I'm from the suburbs, though, so it's like a little bit more like homeless guy dick that I'm, like, used to seeing. So it's been. It's been eye opening, you know, it's a lot of nudity and just random meth use.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But in Austin.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you live at? You live at right underneath the freeway or something like that exact neighborhood. Are you in homeless dick? Meth use and syringes everywhere.

[Anthony Moan]

I requested it, actually, from the real estate agent. I was like, where are the dicks in the meth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Anthony, what's something we'd be surprised to know about you?

[Anthony Moan]

I got arrested for the first time since I moved here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened?

[Anthony Moan]

Oh, I had a weed vape. Vape, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean you got arrested for a weed vape?

[Anthony Moan]

So, I mean, I. I'm not trying to compare New York to Texas because people get all mad when you do that, but. But just because I'm used to being in New York, I just don't want

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

people to get mad. You shouldn't say that part either. Go ahead. What happened with the stupid. How do you. This is some. There's something more to this story.

[Anthony Moan]

Bad start. Bad start.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not allowed to hit a weed vape while practicing pedophilia driving. They got me for the. The weed vape. Yeah, he was driving, right, Totally. The weed vape.

[Anthony Moan]

But no, I just. I'm saying, like, I was so lax about it, like a. You know, cuz I was like in New York mode where it's like, tell us what happened. Leave the. Well, they asked me if it was Delta 8, and I just was being honest, like a. I was like, no, it's weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you pulled over? It's decriminalized out here. How did this happen?

[Anthony Moan]

Well, the pens are still. Listen to this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get pulled over?

[Anthony Moan]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or were you on the street?

[Anthony Moan]

I got pulled over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's called dui, dude. No, it wasn't high. No, it wasn't high.

[Anthony Moan]

No, no, I wish I was high. The arrest would make more sense. Like, I was stone sober. It was in my cup holder. And I was just honest. I said it was weed, but I knew I was cuz the cop was like real Texas. Like, like small town Texas. And he. Yeah, right. And he. And he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He literally looked at D Madness on that. Like, don't you hate when you get pulled over, my friend? Anyway, but he's just like, what? I know you ain't talking to me, but.

[D Madness]

But is that how he lost his eyes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what? You don't lose your eyes, Kim. That's not how big she took the heat off me. Is that where he misplaced his eyeballs? What the.

[Anthony Moan]

But like, so the cop was like, real small town Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my bad.

[Anthony Moan]

He was real small time Texas. And he said at one point, he goes, I don't know how they do Things in New York.

[Louis J. Gomez]

New York.

[Anthony Moan]

And that's when I knew I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, you are. You seem like you have, like, bookie energies. Do you partake in any of your. Does the Italian blood keep you doing illegal things? Do you find.

[Anthony Moan]

Or you just weed stuff, man? I mean, like, I like Texas, but I just don't get why, like, everybody's packing heat and chugging whiskey. But if you have a weed vape, you're a terrorist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now you're so unlikable that he wanted to get you on something is what happened.

[Anthony Moan]

It's my face.

[Longoria]

It's my.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah, dude.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Like, none of us want to jump in and tell jokes right now. That's how unlikable you are. We're all kind of sitting here silently, like, what's up with this guy?

[Jeff Dye]

And what's wrong with whiskey and guns?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're dope, too.

[Matt Hart]

No, they're.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Why didn't you just say it was D8, though? What was. Why didn't you. Because he wouldn't have known. They're not going to test it. There's no lab.

[D Madness]

That's what you get for trying to be honest.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah, yeah, seriously, though. No, I just figured, like, I've gotten in situations where I was honest and it worked out, but it just wasn't working of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean? You're like, if Turtle from Entourage was a tortoise. Stupid, stupid. It's a honor, right? Okay, Anthony Moon. I get another one. Was this the last one? Oh, son of a. Let's do one more. Let's go snag one more out of here. All right, tell us something else. You have any special skills or talents? You have a freelance rap or anything like that? You have any paper parodies?

[Anthony Moan]

Not really. Nothing musical. I mean, I'm nasty at pingpong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are those necklaces real?

[Casey Rocket]

No.

[Anthony Moan]

You're very kind. You're very kind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pay for that big fake diamond necklace.

[Anthony Moan]

Well, it's one of those where it's, like, fake but not too fake. Like, it's real silver, but the stones are fake, so I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With that.

[Jeff Dye]

He is honest.

[Anthony Moan]

Yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Serious.

[Jeff Dye]

Just right away. No, this is a fake.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah, dude. We're not going to test your diamonds, dude.

[Anthony Moan]

Just say they're real if you want to, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bust out the tester.

[Anthony Moan]

Bust out it out. Bust it out.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Cu Honest to a T. That makes you dick.

[Jeff Dye]

It's really small. It's a really small dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's really fun.

[Jeff Dye]

No lie.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Being ra Exag a little bit, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like, Anthony?

[Anthony Moan]

It's not going well, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it. Tell us about a time you've blown it with a girl. Oh, God. What's the most recent thing that you did with a girl? Well, you got.

[Anthony Moan]

You probably tell by my set, but I like dirty jokes, and I think sometimes I jump the gun with the dirt. You know what I mean? You got to ease into that kind of thing. And sometimes. Oh, God, the music's really setting the mood here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not supposed to acknowledge that. Oh, well. Well, the last girl I went out

[Anthony Moan]

with here was, like, a lesbian. Leaning by woman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Was she like that when you've met her, or did she turn into that immediately after hearing some of your material?

[Anthony Moan]

That's what it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's just. You're on your setup, she just starts shaving her head like, go ahead, I'm listening. I'm becoming. I'm becoming a lesbian. But keep going.

[Anthony Moan]

It's a skill. It's a skill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Anthony Moan]

But no, it was. It was just awkward.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, my Italian family, if you go off the bread, they're like, you, dude, that was like.

[Anthony Moan]

That was like, Mexican almost, wasn't it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how do you. Very good.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

So how do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you know that? When did it all go wrong with that?

[Anthony Moan]

So at one point during the meal, I used the word female. I can't remember what we were talking about.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

Right.

[Anthony Moan]

Dude, she said it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Please tell me more. I can't even imagine what this is like. Go ahead.

[Anthony Moan]

She told me it was an offensive term.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, go ahead. How did she.

[Hans Kim]

And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Anthony Moan]

Like, I can't remember the, like, specific thing we were talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whatever.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's like, so females belong in the kitchen.

[Anthony Moan]

I didn't even get to that point. I didn't get to the point where.

[Jeff Dye]

Where I can tell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain the word female. Offensive. Listen,

[Anthony Moan]

that's what I wanted to say. Trust me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet it is. Upstate New York, Fully attacked Italian.

[Anthony Moan]

Yes, sir. But I can't remember what it was. But she was, like, real sweaty, too, which I was just. Yeah, right. I'm desperate.

[Longoria]

But not bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am I right? Yeah. Anthony Moon. Get the out of here, dude. Oh, the only drop of the night. A fun fact.

[Jeff Dye]

I'll get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tortoise girl. Cotter Book. Trey Campbell. Oh, actually, he didn't care. He already had one. All right, get out of here. Get out of here. Anthony Mon, everybody. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Michael White, everybody. Your last bucket pool of the night, Michael White.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we know this guy. Holy make some noise for Michael White, everybody.

[Michael White]

I was raised by a black mama half my life. Shout out to Mama Irish. I know this is my second time on the show, but I'm still a little nervous because I'm not used to being in front of this many white people. I'm Baptist. Nah. Because I'm usually in a place where they're just black people, Mexicans, and then me. And I don't know if y' all know this, but wiggers don't like other wiggles. We hate each other. We want to be the only one. One time I was at Club Hypnotic chilling with my black homeboys, and I see the white dude walking. I start. Started barking. He was barking back. We were barking at each other. Kind of like when house slaves get jealous of other house slaves. Like, who the fuck let you in? Racism is a distraction. Technically, we are all black. They just point out our different pigments to make us forget that the first human is from Africa and we all came from the same human. So that means there's only one race. The humans race. Some of us just came out with a disability. Why you think society provides us with so many privileges? Because you have to be nice to handicap people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Watch your Bell Madness getting wild. How about a hand for Michael White, everybody? A true performance, if you will. A little one man man show there. Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He gave like a wigger Braveheart speech in the middle of that. That was. I don't know what the that was, but I got inspired. I was like, yo, we are all. We are all wiggers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was unbelievable. Yeah, go ahead.

[Jeff Dye]

I was just confused, cuz I don't see race. I just see everyone as white. Isn't that beautiful?

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's very positive.

[Jeff Dye]

That's beautiful.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Glass is half full, Jeff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy Michael White. You've been on this show once before. An instant legend. I remember you make spaghetti and you sell spaghetti. You are known for this, so you still do.

[Michael White]

First of all, y notice all three of them look like the dudes from the Rice Krispie box.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, look, no one wants your snaps, your crackle, or your pops here tonight. You son of a. You stop it. I didn't realize the Keebler elves had a power forward, but this is. Yeah, man.

[Michael White]

You look like Minnie Mouse's slave owner.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I actually am Minnie Mouse's slave owner.

[D Madness]

So wait, do you make your mom's spaghetti?

[Michael White]

No. My. No. First of all, I was selling spaghetti before Eminem. Did that open up that restaurant? It was 2020 when I started. His was like the end of the 21. My ex girlfriend from Italy taught me how to make it. It's a different story.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, tell us about it.

[Michael White]

I already told y' all last episode, man. Go watch it. The Kurt Fox one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, but how's it been going? How's the spaghetti business been going?

[Michael White]

Man, my. That last episode blew me the up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Michael White]

Everybody blowing up my DMs. Like, where the spaghetti? People from Canada.

[Cam Patterson]

The.

[Michael White]

Where the spaghetti? I'm like, stop it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you. Have you been selling it?

[Michael White]

You know, actually I've been having so much support from fans, like sending me money through cash app and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you asking for it?

[Michael White]

I haven't had to sell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When they hit you up, are you asking for money?

[D Madness]

Do you think.

[Michael White]

Okay, I ask.

[Louis J. Gomez]

You're. You're digitally panhandling.

[D Madness]

Do you think that I could get an eighth of spaghetti?

[Michael White]

But my spaghetti. But my spaghetti is always like my file back. Like when I need a. Like when nobody can help me. All right. Bet I go to the kitchen, you know what I'm saying? So I could be my own boss before. Because I've been a hustler all my life before that. I was selling CDs since I was 15.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem like it. When did you stop selling CDs?

[Michael White]

And whenever, like, you know, CDs became a thing where you couldn't really sell no more. People like, oh, I don't. I want to skate your code. What the does that mean? You know, like that. That's how I went. That's when I went to the kitchen. You know what I'm saying?

[D Madness]

This guy comes hot Cheetos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about your living situation. What is that?

[Michael White]

Oh, it's cool, man. I'm. I'm broke. In the suburbs?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What does that mean? You have a house, apartment, roommates.

[Michael White]

I have an apartment. I got the smallest one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live by yourself for 800.

[Michael White]

$840.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, how long you been there?

[Michael White]

And it's in the suburbs. Corpus Christi. You can. You can live in the suburbs for 800.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in Corpus Christi.

[Michael White]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what, like a four hour drive or something, man?

[Michael White]

Three and a half? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. You drive a little bit faster.

[Michael White]

I come every. Every week over here. It's my 19th time and my second time on a show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[Michael White]

I've been in one car crash coming over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about that on the way here, man.

[Michael White]

It was actually a blessing in the disguise because I got some money from that shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You dead.

[Jeff Dye]

This guy is black.

[Michael White]

One thing I noticed about visiting Austin, Texas, man, is I'm grateful that I'm the only white person in Corpus Christi, man. I had this. Man, I had this white bitch walk up to me, let me call her Street Karen. She talking about. I. I'm. I grew up. I'm from the streets and I grew up with black people. But I don't sound like you, like, okay, well, we can't all be winners.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are. You're the real deal over here. I gotta tell you. Tell us more. What's been going on in your life recently? I feel like you're a never ending vessel of entertainment.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Yeah. What have you done since you gave AIDS to Jenny and kids, man?

[D Madness]

Well, he's been camping outside of Shoe Palace.

[Michael White]

I've been living and breathing this comedy, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. How many spots a week have you been doing?

[Michael White]

I've. Been. Well, there's this spot on Thursday in Corpus that's like. That's popping the most. And I go there sometimes and I just. I just been uploading my. I don't. I don't like. I don't like driving out of town unless it's for some real like this. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? That makes sense. And when you have some. What are you, a rapper or something? What's your special skill again?

[Michael White]

Yeah, I was. I've been a performer since I was 13. I used to battle rap every Friday from 13 years old to like, I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to rap something here tonight? Yeah. Yeah, let's get. Whatever you did last time, do something different.

[Michael White]

Yeah, how about. How about we do the second verse of that song?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Michael White]

Hey, cuz, that song blowing up, everybody's hitting me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? Releasing the special official release of the second verse of Michael White doing some Corpus Christi.

[Jeff Dye]

It's perfect. I love rap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Michael White]

Y' all remember? All right, so I'm gonna do the second verse on this song since I did the first one last episode. All right. Hey. 88D is all I need Check me out I don't smoke a drink But I don't be knocking people that do I'm just saying we. My 80ad is all I need look at me, my 88d my 88d is all I need I don't smoke a dream But I don't be knocking people that do I'm just saying wee. My 88D is all I need look at me my 88D my 88D is middle finger to the Ritalin pill it f Dr. Ismith mama, I should be on it still, after telling them I really don't like the way this pill make me feel, it ruin my appetite that makes my life feel boring as hell I'm too young to be depressed this ain't natural, it's and if we get out of line there's a thing called the belt I got spanking like a mother but they say they didn't help so they felt they had a lock of my childhood mentally in a prison cell but they don't messed up now I'm out of my cage and free to be myself I was a special ed and resource classroom I thought school was a waste of time and all I wanted to do was ride so I sit next to the smart kids copy off their paper they go back to my notebook stuff I face in it they think of a dope line I don't smoke a drink but don't get me wrong I did it a few times I just enjoy being sober mother being drugged up all my life it feel good to be on two it's express myself that's how I say hi I don't smoke a drink but I don't mean I could People that do, I'm just saying we my 80 AD is all I need look at me. My 80 AD my 80 AD is all I need.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that really was. That was the second verse. That was just one verse?

[Michael White]

Yeah, that was. That was the second verse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. Is there a third verse? No, it's just two songs tracking.

[Jeff Dye]

Was that good?

[D Madness]

Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, man.

[Michael White]

I I with him cuz he don't see color.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Congratulations. That is the 500th time that joke has been done.

[Michael White]

He probably still. He probably still doesn't know I'm white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Now what did you say during that verse? Can we kind of slow it down a little bit?

[Michael White]

Oh, okay. You want to hear all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to hear what you were saying. Go ahead.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Something about adhd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, not the chorus. Let's skip the chorus.

[Michael White]

We're gonna do it to the beat acapella. All right, like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. Nice and slow.

[Michael White]

Tickle it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Michael White]

Middle finger to the RLE and Pill and Dr. Ashman for telling my mama I should be on it still after telling them I really don't like the way this pill makes me feel. It ruins my appetite and it makes my life feel boring as hell. I'm too young to be depressed this ain't natural Let us be ourself and if we get out of line there's a thing called the belt I got spankings like a mother but they Said that didn't help. So they felt they had to lock up my childhood mentally in a prison cell. But they didn't messed up. Cause now I'm out of my cage and free to be myself. I was in special ed and resource class. I'm sure you can tell. I thought school was a waste of time and all I wanted to do was rhyme. So I was sitting next to the smart kids, copy off they paper, then go back to my notebook, stuff my face, racing it. Then think of a dope line. I don't smoke a drink. But don't get me wrong, I done it a few times. I just enjoy being sober more after being drugged up all my life. It feels good just to be able to express myself. That's how I stay high. I don't smoke a drink.

[Jeff Dye]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it like that. Isn't that wild? It's so much more amazing when you can understand it.

[Louis J. Gomez]

It's better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's better slower. It makes it go slower 50,000 times smarter.

[Michael White]

Tony, I heard you got dicked down by a mandingo while you were asleep and you didn't wake up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second. I just complimented him and the guy just. What the was that? This is how. This is Game of Thrones for you. Everybody here. I'm trying to make a star over here. I'm like, okay, one more time, a little bit slower. Guy gets half a standing ovation. He's like, you got raped by a giant black man. What the is going on?

[Michael White]

I'm just saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is this a business?

[Michael White]

People, I could you. And it wouldn't be gay because my dick wouldn't feel it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at, like, what the. No, no.

[D Madness]

You are doing so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Oh, my God. This is why you live in an $800 apartment. You make terrible decisions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had it all. I was about to announce you as the newest regular on the show. 1. I'm kidding.

[Jeff Dye]

I'm joking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm kidding.

[D Madness]

If you were in a movie, it'd be called AIDS Mile.

[Michael White]

All right, I am white now can

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I get a golden ticket? No, no.

[Jeff Dye]

You know, I would love to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you can do 10 minutes of rap on a secret show, if you want to, but you can't do comedy.

[Michael White]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to wrap some Thursday?

[Michael White]

Yeah, I would appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there you go. That's a gig. Michael White, another great performance.

[Michael White]

I hope y' all know on Reddit, everybody is saying differently. They want, they want, they want. They've been begging for my return because of my comedy, not just my rap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

Yeah, we gotcha.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Relax there. Yep. All right, Danny Brown. There you go. All right.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

I'm a better comedian than all y'.

[Shelby Boyd]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y' all ain't even funny.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

I'm more of a comedian than a rapper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my Danny Brown impression. Everybody not good.

[Michael White]

I remember when I was a. Y'

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

all ain't even funny.

[Anthony Moan]

That's all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's all he ever says. He gets angry drunk eventually, and y' all ain't even funny.

[Michael White]

I'mma tell you this quick story about when. When I was waiting to get my name called outside when y. When y st in the alley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remember.

[Michael White]

Remember when we used to wait in the alley to get our. Wait for our names to get called?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do I remember when y' all used to wait in the alley?

[Michael White]

The comedians. We used to wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Michael White]

Said we, not you. My bad. When you had us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Michael White]

Before y'. All put us in a luxurious club and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I love that you think it's luxurious. It's a Poor choices. It's called poor choices. On the alley should have been poor choices.

[Michael White]

But

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now the doily on your head is unraveling at a very fast rate. What happens when it. When it covers your face? Does Molly Margle come back out again? What her name?

[Michael White]

I remember one time we were waiting out there, and David Lucas came.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Molly matlage y.

[Michael White]

So David Lucas came outside. He was, like, looking around, checking out the scene, and I was like, yo, David Lucas, let me go on tour with you. And he was looking at me like, boy, you ain't going on a road dress like you stuck in the year 2005.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And then he gave you his T shirt and left.

[Michael White]

We almost got to a fight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there he goes. Michael White, everybody. All right. Yeah.

[Unknown Comedian 1]

And then I went and made some spaghetti.

[Michael White]

Tell him I said earthworm Jim ate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. There he goes. He's shouting out his cash app, everybody. Jesus Christ. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you know, this is one of those moments that the fans, fan base, all of you, everybody in the Kill Tony universe is going to remember forever because William Montgomery could not make it tonight. Everyone. He does a. Yes. He has some type of infection or something like that. Sinus infection. So he's missing tonight. But in his place, we get to introduce the newest regular to Kill Tony. This is the man that will be opening every episode of Kill Tony, at least until May, when Rick and Hans. Hans Kim and Rick Diaz have their rematch. And if he wants to. I mean, who knows what can happen? But ladies and gentle, the point is this Is our first regular new regular announcement since the great Cam Patterson seven months ago. You guys excited about this? Surprise. Surprise, Right. Writing and performing a new minute every week. From now on, he's going to be starting every show. A man who is a mythical creature around these parts. Probably one of the best comedians in all of Austin, Texas. Wild as hell. Just a thunderstorm on stage when doing longer sets. Loved by everyone that has a good sense of humor, I can tell you that. This is your newest regular and new kill, Tony Legend. Makes some noise for the return of the great and powerful Casey Rocket. Some folks bone mad to wave the flag.

[Anthony Moan]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Very cool. Hell, yeah.

[Trey Campbell]

Happy birthday, Santa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Very cool. God, I wish Santa was here to see this. Okay. He loves it when a good boy goes bad. Hell yeah. Get real, get lost. We're having fun.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I've had a lot of weird jobs in my life. I was a lobster in a grocery store tank for a summer. Great job, great benefits. All you can wear rubber bands. I gotta get out of here. I promised my fiance I'd watch monster truck videos really loud while she's asleep. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Babe, wake up. Gravediggers going berserk.

[Casey Rocket]

Hell, yeah. Just riffing. Cal rifkin jr. We're having fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Raw riff energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rre.

[Casey Rocket]

What's that spell?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey Rocket. Thank you, guys.

[Casey Rocket]

Happy to be here.

[Jeff Dye]

Holy shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yep.

[Jeff Dye]

The future has arrived.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, Casey motherfucking Rocket. Hell yeah. That's how you start an episode right there. The man is a freak of nature.

[Michael White]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. You know what that sound means? The rocket has a tongue stuff.

[Casey Rocket]

Doing some tongue work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Everybody likes it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

William's sick. He ate an apple tag.

[Shahab Tabatrenazad]

We were in.

[Casey Rocket]

We were in Utah and I dared him to eat an apple tag. God bless him.

[Hans Kim]

He was.

[Casey Rocket]

Went through with it. So more of a man than I am. Pretty cool. It's just cool to kind of see him go. Just go for it. So.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, my laughter went down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love it. Casey, welcome to the fold. An absolute freak of nature. Louis J. Gomez.

[Louis J. Gomez]

I mean, he is Adderall personified. Holy. Dude. I. Let me tell you. I don't know, kids. He was at Skank Fest. I believe. You're a guy. You're. I hear so much about you.

[D Madness]

Kim Fest.

[Louis J. Gomez]

He was at Kim Fest, which is the more important festival. At him first doggy. This is my first time actually watching you. You're fucking wild. You're unique. It was so fun, dude. Like just. It was. It was almost choreography. I watch you Just fucking own these people. They're idiots. But you were fucking really great, dude. You were really great. I'm a good. Very, very impressed with that. What that was.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, thanks, man. They seem really nice. You guys are nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another fool in the green room here. There's two televisions that show each of the showrooms and what's going on on the stage. I had Casey do a spot on my late night show, whatever it was Wednesday or Thursday or whatever this past week. And I'm sitting there next to Ron White, and he goes, he goes, man, that guy likes to move around a lot on stage, doesn't he? And I go, because the sound isn't on. We're listening to music, but you could see people moving. And he's flying from one side of this, picking up the mic stand crap, all this. And I go, you've never seen Casey rocket Ron? And he goes, no, what's going on out there? I go, come on. And we showed him from the balcony and in about 10 seconds, Ron was choking up tobacco from 1963. It was unbelievable watching his reaction. He got so excited and was laughing so hard.

[Jeff Dye]

Oh, I actually name dropped you on Rogan as my favorite comedian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me too.

[Shelby Boyd]

He's my favorite.

[Jeff Dye]

But also the reason I'm saying that, Casey, the reason, the reason I'm saying that is because I got about 50 texts from, like, my closest comedy friends in LA. They're like, you, dude, you've seen Casey twice. You know, all my old openers are like, off, dude, what's with the Casey? But you're the G, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you, man. Yeah, me and, me and Jeff did a show at a Mexican restaurant in la and it was.

[Jeff Dye]

That's my type of gig.

[Casey Rocket]

It's just us.

[D Madness]

Yeah, there's something wrong with him, but he is the future. Like, I'm not kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's the best you.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you. Everyone's so nice tonight. You guys have been so nice. Hell yeah.

[Louis J. Gomez]

Hold on. We got to be more mean. Hold on. Give us a few.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, you don't need to be. The guy's a sensation. We're excited to be working with you. You know, as the show has evolved, when it first started, you know, Kim started the day that she started doing comedy. She started writing a minute. So it's so fitting that you're even here for the newest regular because the whole thing has evolved to where I'm excited to even have you.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't even imagine, I can't imagine how many fun Minutes and how much crazy. We're slowly gonna learn about your life through these interviews. We have a lot to get to. It's exciting stuff.

[Casey Rocket]

It is exciting. I'm happy to be here. Casey Rocket, Class 2013. So excited. Happy birthday, Santa. I can't say it enough. You're the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're my biggest inspiration. Tony, do you hear red clapping right now? Do you hear all that? No. I don't give a shit.

[D Madness]

I feel like Casey is if AI got. Got wet,

[Casey Rocket]

like sexually wet. Like, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I'm.

[Casey Rocket]

Hold on. I do a good robot voice.

[Hans Kim]

Hold on.

[Casey Rocket]

This is AI. Just a peek behind the get ready. I do. This is AI if it was getting really, really wet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Good morning. I'm so horny, baby.

[Longoria]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Casey Rocket]

Kind of. Of funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[D Madness]

That was the least robotic he's ever been.

[Casey Rocket]

It sounds really good. It sounds really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So, Casey, welcome to the fold. I'm very excited. How do you feel about opening?

[Trey Campbell]

Excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very excited.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

This is cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[Casey Rocket]

It's really fun. Yeah. Me and William were in Utah all weekend. I get back, I get the call. Walking off Air Force One, Tony calls me. Obama was taking us around to the gig. It's pretty sweet. Yeah. I get the call. Phone rings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What hurts the most?

[Casey Rocket]

I'm like, I gotta. I gotta take this. And William's over there just choking on the apple tag. So I was like, I'll help you in a minute, but it seems pretty important. And sure enough, it's Tony. He's like, you're up. I'm like, I'll be there. And William's still on the plane. So. God bless. God bless, my man. Me and William are really good friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. You guys do the road together. I love it. Very exciting stuff. So you're in, dude. It's going to be you kicking off shows for the foreseeable future. Oh, yeah, about it. He's in. The future has arrived. Casey Rocket joining the fray here on Kill every week. Amazing stuff. Make some noise for Casey Rocket, everybody. Did you guys have fun tonight? Yeah. Make some noise for our guest, Lewis J. Gomez. The meaty Ogre Tour on sale now. Lewisof skanks.com make some noise for the great Jeff D, everybody. Jeff Dynamic for tour tickets. He's going everywhere every weekend. And her new special Childless MILF is out now. Check it out. The original regular Kim Congdon. Ten and a half years in the game started on Kill. Tony. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. It's amazing. How about one more time for the best band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the the keys and D Madness on the base. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, William Montgomery. He wasn't even here tonight, but there you go. William Montgomery. That's a sweet one. Chris Rogers. Art on social media. Guys, check out the Sunset Strip right next door at Sunset Strip, atx.com I love you guys. That's right, the Sunset Comedy Club, Sunset Connect, Mobile, Health Ninja, buses.com Security Guard Service, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Gel Blaster, CM Smokehouse, and all of our good friends. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

[D Madness]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

[Molly Matledge]

Check out Red Band's secret show in every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam.