
Luis J Gomez, Jeff Dye, Kim Congdon, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 02/05/2024 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Head to https://www.squarespace.com/killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code KILLTONY Get 20% Off and Free Shipping with the code TONY at https://manscaped.com. Embrace a new you, and definitely embrace a new trimmer – courtesy of Manscaped. Learn more about your ad choic...
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Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe@tonyhinchcliffe.com and the sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y', all, the LA Forum is right around the corner and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in Kiltoni's history. Travel. Go there, we'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own standup sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand up on road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in
Jeff Dye
Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hench.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yippee. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Hi. And how about a hand for the band? Am I right, people? This is the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Gel Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose. Austin security guard service, ninjabuses.com connect mobile health, where you can get an IV drip. Use the promo code kill10. Save10. How do we feel tonight? You guys with us? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the Mutilator, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys right there. This is right, the one and the only D Madness, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible here right now.
Molly Matledge
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You guys ready to start tonight's show? Every week I Have some of the funniest people in the world on the show this week. Absolutely no different. 3 very, very, very funny comedians. You know them, you love them. We're gonna have a blast here together. Some of my favorite people. Make some noise for Louis J. Gomez, Kim Congdon and Jeff Dye, everybody. Oh, yeah. The great legion of skanks. Louis J. Gomez. The great and powerful Jeff Dye joining the fray. And that is Kiltoni's first ever regular Kim Con. Legend of the kil Tony universe, Louis J. Gomez. Welcome, my friend.
Louis J. Gomez
I'm so happy to be back here after the Ric Flair debacle.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Holy. Unbelievable. Still haven't heard back from the nature boy after that one wild night. We love them, though. Jeff Dye, welcome to the show.
Jeff Dye
Thanks for having me. Actually, you made me hate Ric Flair. I was a big fan of him until I watched that episode. Now I hate Ric Flair.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Me too.
Jeff Dye
I really do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The great Kim Congdon, everybody. Seriously, she was writing a minute every week on the show ten and a half years ago. Something crazy. Welcome back, Roast Queen. We love her. She hits hard. Everybody's ready. You guys know how it works. 100, 200 some. A crazy amount of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds uninterrupted do stand up on this stage in front of a sold out crowd at the number one comedy club on planet Earth. You know their 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I interview them and we have a bunch of fun. We find out more about them and make the most of their opportunity on stage. You guys ready for this? Well, there's only one way to start an episode like this, everybody. How many of you are actually fans of the show? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, doing a brand new minute, a legendary regular. You guys know the words. This is Hans Kim, everybody.
Hans Kim
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's good to be here.
Hans Kim
I love Kill Tony fans because I know I can say retard tonight. Retard. Retard.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Retard. Retard.
Hans Kim
Why aren't you doing it? Did you vote for Biden? Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Any black people want to start the next chance? Legally, I'm not allowed to start it anymore. I can jump in in the middle though. I'm glad that the new Apple Vision Pro came out because now it won't look so weird masturbating on the bus. I hate poor people. Poor people are always bragging about how poor they are. They're like, I grew up on the streets, man. I had to steal French fries to survive. My best friend was locked in a cage. What are you, a pigeon? Sound like a pigeon, bitch. All right, that's my time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you. Fuck, yeah. The great Hans. Kim. How you feeling tonight, Hans?
Hans Kim
I feel amazing. I've been, you know, really working on myself. I've been taking three showers a week, so it's pretty good for me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Why three showers a week? I didn't know that you were this uncleanly.
Hans Kim
I just don't shower that much. I'm pretty clean as it is. I'm Asian. I'm trying to use my strengths. I save all that shower time to study the art.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He has no hair, so when they
D Madness
say shrimp dick, they're talking about the smell.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow. No doubt about it. I love it.
Hans Kim
I've been pretty good. I've been having sex.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I like this look. It's like 50 Shades of Beige or something like that. Did someone dress you like that? Did you do that?
Hans Kim
Yeah. My friend Amira is helping me. She's Palestinian.
Louis J. Gomez
You need to get a mirror.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is true, Jeff. Die.
Jeff Dye
I'm glad you told me that. I shouldn't interrupt the comedians for the first 60 seconds because I was gonna do the black person chant. I was like all
Tony Hinchcliffe
Kim.
D Madness
Hans, I think your jokes are great. I like that you came out chanting your own name.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What else is going on in your life this week, Hans? Anything else?
Hans Kim
Big sex is always a great thing for me. I've been with my ex. You know, we've been hooking up after the breakup.
Jeff Dye
And what's her full name?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's interesting, because last week it seemed like you guys were taking a real break.
Hans Kim
Yeah, I accidentally ordered $200 worth of DoorDash on her account, and I was mad at her. But then I went over and I started crying and bawling my eyes out, and now we're.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, you were full of dog.
Louis J. Gomez
So.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Full of what?
Louis J. Gomez
Dog.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, well. Indonesian person bawls their eyes out. Isn't that a limited? Do you guys have the same amount of tears as we do? Seems like you guys are, like, restricting it a little bit, right?
D Madness
They come out in rectangles.
Hans Kim
I mean, we. We just squeeze it all out. White people can, like, put it around the sphere of the eyes. We just.
Jeff Dye
I'm offended.
D Madness
How do you think they make duck sauce?
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is true. That is true. How do you spend $200 on DoorDash. Hans.
Hans Kim
I tipped the delivery drivers 50 bucks each. I ordered two things.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, what?
Hans Kim
I tipped them 50 bucks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You do?
Hans Kim
I did. Just because it was her credit card.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, you knew that it was her credit card?
Hans Kim
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Hans Kim
So I wanted to spend her money, but I venmoed her back because I felt bad after I had sex with her.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow, this is very weird. You are unbelievably honest and very revealing of a lot of very interesting shit.
Jeff Dye
This guy lives by a strange code.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is unbelievable. So this was your. Were you trying to, like, get her back? Were you trying to be in communication? You knew she was gonna be like, Hans, you spent 200 on DoorDash.
Hans Kim
Yeah, but she didn't respond. And then I had to go over there to pick up my drone remote controller.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy.
D Madness
Just the remote controller.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You could have bought two of those with tips that you just spin, man.
Hans Kim
And then I cried. And then we had sex with a condom twice and without once.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is unbelievable. See, people are like, why is Hans. What is the deal with Hans? And I'm like, do you listen to these interviews? I don't even have to do anything. He gives you just everything you could ever possibly want to work with in the world. So some with, some without.
Hans Kim
Yeah, the first two was with, and then the last one, it was without.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, you could hear him smiling. You could hear the talk. Yeah, the first two, there was none. And then the second one there. He was unbelievable. You just can't hide how excited you are to use that. Raw. Raw. Is it still raw dog if you do it? This is where you should do this. I got it.
Louis J. Gomez
There we go
D Madness
inside him. It didn't work twice. That's how bad it was. They knew I was making fun of it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When you're making a dog joke, you got to leave a little pause. Thank you, Michael. Okay, Hans, we have. We have come to a very, very interesting agreement, you and I, earlier on the phone to. He is battling Rick Diaz in an unbelievable, unbelievably exciting rematch. He. While he won, he went on to challenge Rick Diaz to silence the haters. Ba ba ba ba. It's happen May 10th, live from the LA forum, right?
Matt Hart
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So we realize that what's not fair is that Rick gets to prepare this super minute over months without having to spend any minutes or interviews on the show. So it would be fair to give Hans Kim a break. So unless he absolutely wants one, he will not be performing until May 10 live at the Forum on Kill. Tony. I know, I know. Listen to the controversy. This is, I'm telling you, so funny.
Louis J. Gomez
He's about to stab himself with a sword.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You guys love Hans Kim. Don't you? See? This is what I'm saying. It's Chinese bots working against him, I think. Like that online and like that. That could be. Nobody hates Asians more than other Asians. This is true. You would agree with that, right?
Louis J. Gomez
Well, shame kill.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, yes, absolutely. So until he wants to again. That was Hannah. Hans Kim. How do you feel about this, Hans?
Hans Kim
I feel great. I'm gonna energize, I'm gonna recharge. I'm gonna come back better than ever, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Hans Kim
A lot of people cheered for me on that night at the arena, and I'm gonna work hard for them.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. There you go. And that was Hans Kim. Everybody make some noise for Hans, everyone. And I will tell you right now, indeed, later tonight, you will all meet the new regular that will open the shows every week here on Kill. Tony. Isn't that exciting? But now we go to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen, where anything can happen. As you know, these could be crazy people. It could be someone's first time. Anything can happen. You guys ready? 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to your first bucket pool of the night. Molly Matledge. Everyone, here's Molly Matledge.
Molly Matledge
Hi. A bit about me. I love fun facts. A little fun fact I learned through watching a few seasons of Wild N Out. Is that black people stick with me. Think that white people put raisins in their potato salad. Now, I don't know what the fuck is putting raisins in their potato salad? Because, let's be real, it's mayo or mustard. Keep it moving. But it does beg the question, white people, are you putting raisins in your potato salad? And if not, why do black people think you do? Well, we'll come back to that. Another thing that I love are fun facts that rhyme, maybe impart a little wisdom. One of my personal favorites, liquor before beer, you're in the clear. But beer before liquor, you'll fuck your co worker. That's facts.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Whoa, look at that. That got a huge laugh in this room. These people are desperate for comedy here tonight. They are really all you have to, really. They're just listening for pacing and timing. At this point, they're pretty much giving it up for anything.
Molly Matledge
I practiced.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You did. Oh, my goodness. I love it. This is the scariest one of the conjuring movies I've ever seen. Right now, I'm not sure what the fuck Is happening. This is something out of my nightmares.
D Madness
You do look like if Chucky was a housewife.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah,
Molly Matledge
that's fair.
D Madness
I love her.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah, Absolutely. So how long you been doing stand up Molly? That was unbelievable.
Molly Matledge
First time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
First time. Hell, yeah. I'll tell you, you need a little raisins in that potato salad. You know what I'm saying? You gotta add a little something. Some spicy mustard, something funny. Really? Anything. Gotta dose up. Up. Dose it up.
Molly Matledge
Paprika.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Paprika. Absolutely.
Louis J. Gomez
I mean, I'll say. For her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life. Holy garbage. God damn it, lady. You pissed me off.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That seemed like comedy school, right? Or comedy college? Did you try to, like, research this? Were you, like, trying to strategically be funny? Because it does feel like Red Band said it feels like something. And somebody, like, took a comedy class, was like, okay, something. A pop culture reference. Wild and out is really hip right now. And then, well, what's something else we can all agree on? Potato salad.
Jeff Dye
She even moved the mic stand. Like a comedy class.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Molly Matledge
I asked.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You asked why I asked them.
Molly Matledge
I said, what do y'.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All.
D Madness
I was like. I was thinking about taking it off.
Louis J. Gomez
And they.
Molly Matledge
I was like, what do you recommend? He was like, I see the professional. He said, take it off.
Casey Rocket
Put it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The guy that. The producer that helped you up the stairs said that. Who is that? Is that Colt? Is that you? Love these people. Find the professionals. Take it out of the. Right. So you being creepy over there, dude? This is a little insight to how scary that back tunnel can be. Someone gets rushed over, they have to cross two streets. They're literally like, oh, fuck. So I'm definitely going up, right to these people. You must interview you sometime.
Jeff Dye
Look how afraid he was to get fired. Tony was like, what guy did this? And the guy's like, I didn't. Oh, please.
Molly Matledge
It wasn't him. In his defense, wasn't, was it?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh.
Cam Patterson
Oh, no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He looks like Mario back there.
D Madness
She puts raisins in her potato salad, but she ain't no snitch.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wait, was that you or her?
D Madness
That was me.
Jeff Dye
Okay.
Louis J. Gomez
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm like, oh, yeah. I'm trying to. I was like that. Just get a laugh like that. We make it be funny. Not. Of course not. So, Molly, what made you want to start stand up now? Is it crazy if I ask how old you are?
Molly Matledge
I just turned 41.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, there you go, 41. What made you start comedy at 41?
Unknown Comedian 1
Gosh.
Molly Matledge
A feeling it was just like, inside, like, I just felt the need to do it. I did. I've been.
D Madness
That's menopause.
Molly Matledge
I've followed comedy for years. I've written things down. I've always enjoyed it. I've gone to many, you know, open mics. I've never done any schooling.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Talk to the microphone if you have all this experience. I've done so much. I did a lot of research.
Shelby Boyd
I was doing my own.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I've seen all the professionals. I know how to do it.
Molly Matledge
I have.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Molly Matledge
I haven't done any of that. Yeah. No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Okay. So what do you do for work, Molly?
Molly Matledge
Hr.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hr. Oh, my goodness. You do comedy like an HR person. It's incredible. Raisins and potato salad. I'm like, what? What? What?
Unknown Comedian 1
Like, who does that? And why would you. And stop that. That's my time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And somehow Wild N Out has to do with this. She's gonna kill on Facebook groups, though. Oh, yeah. Every HR person is going to be
Michael White
like one of us.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. The Little Red Machine. Molly Matledge. Or you're a true ginger. This seems through and through. There's no fake in that, right?
Unknown Comedian 1
My.
Molly Matledge
My mom's 80.
Tony Hinchcliffe
80 ginger. Yeah. Okay.
Louis J. Gomez
No, 80 retard.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No. So, okay, you work in HR. What do you do for fun? Tell us about the wild side of Molly. That's what I wanted. Am I right? Doesn't she seem a little too cookie cutter? Tell us, what's one of the wildest things Molly does on a regular basis?
Molly Matledge
Well, one thing I thought you might think was fun was I love rap. Texas rap. Very well versed.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Get the out of here.
Molly Matledge
Very well versed.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I feel like you only sing the parts where they say the nw. No. You can probably swipe filter. She just gets excited to see, like, for real.
Louis J. Gomez
Do you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Can you think you could freeze some?
Shelby Boyd
No.
Molly Matledge
Like, salt and pepper at most, like, maybe, but that's it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, what?
Molly Matledge
Like salt and pepper? Salt and pepper.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What about salt and pepper? I could probably.
Louis J. Gomez
She's talking about red band's hair.
Jeff Dye
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Texas wrap.
D Madness
She's still talking about things to put in the potato salad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So good. Oh, oh. So what about salt and pepper you just said. I just said, can you rap?
D Madness
I don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I can't rap.
Molly Matledge
I can't white woman thing ever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right?
D Madness
That's about it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What was their. It's not. No Scrubs. They're a.
Molly Matledge
But I do. I mean, I probably sing along to a lot of.
Unknown Comedian 1
What a Man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What a Man. What a man. Oh, I Know rap. What a man what? What a mighty good man. This is me with some Texas rap. Yeah. Who's ready to rap? Everybody welcome. Welcome to White Raps with Molly Malage. She saw an episode of Wild and Out once and she's never been the same since. Oh, my. What's Molly gonna rap about today?
Unknown Comedian 1
What's a man?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's a man? What's a man?
Unknown Comedian 1
What's a mighty girl Good man?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, he is indeed he was. What do you mean? Salt and peppa. She's having 90s. How is that Texas rap off English? It's definitely not. I thought you she was going, like, sipping on some syrup or something like that kind of Texas rap. Are you talking. Let's not give her Big Mo ESG.
Molly Matledge
Slim Duck. Like, I have photos with them on 6th Street. Big Mo, rest in peace. But like, I. I legitimately swish a house.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three students. Michael Watts, Big Mo. Seriously, she almost powed out some Hennessy on that one. She almost pulled out one of those little airplane bottles. You know Big Mo.
D Madness
I mean, Molly, they all rap about
Unknown Comedian 1
one of Big Mo. Big Mo, rip one of the good ones.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm gonna PO one out for him. Holy shit. Molly, tell us more about this urban lifestyle of yours. I'm in the Texas Rack app. Salt and Peppa and a good time rip to all the homies that have passed on before me.
Molly Matledge
I. I roller skate.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You roller skate? Now that I believe the Texas rap thing. She had a boyfriend.
Jeff Dye
Should have opened with roller skating.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, roller skating is much more believable. I can picture you. You skate backwards. You, like, do crazy shit.
D Madness
That's still pretty black.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, it is.
D Madness
I've seen the videos.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You. You ever been with a black man? They really like gingers. Oh, yeah, you have. Oh, look at this. That's where this is coming from. Hell yeah. Yeah. Is that your type? Is that your main go to?
Molly Matledge
It probably was more.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You gonna say a phase? Jesus, you about to say a phase? Just then actual real Ra. It bled through.
Cam Patterson
Was it black?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Spider Man?
Molly Matledge
I dated a lot of black dudes when I was younger and a lot
Louis J. Gomez
that hurt my feelings. And I'm Puerto Rican.
Molly Matledge
Well, no, like, majority were black is I guess what I meant to say.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What?
Molly Matledge
Majority were black when I was younger and growing up. Maybe I'm not answering the question.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. When's the last time you were with a black man? Oh, more specifically, a blind bass player.
D Madness
What was that?
Jeff Dye
I didn't hear.
Tony Hinchcliffe
She's got red hair. D. What are your thoughts about redheads?
Michael White
Nothing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All the same to me. Can you tell if someone's redheaded?
Unknown Comedian 1
D?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is there like a. Is there like a sense or something? You ever feel that?
Louis J. Gomez
Just.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No. No. All right.
D Madness
But he likes music, so he knows she has no soul.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, get back over there. You're creeping everybody. He doesn't know you're next to him. Molly, before I let you go, you are a very interesting interview. You seem like a real human. Like you still have a soul and everything. What? What is the most trouble you've ever gotten in with the law?
Louis J. Gomez
Fucking a black guy.
Unknown Comedian 1
That's why that phase ended early.
Molly Matledge
Got into a bit of a curfew violation when I was 13.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness.
Molly Matledge
Rode the cop car.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy.
Jeff Dye
You crazy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wild and out. Am I right, Molly? Fun times. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations on your first time on this show. Have a great night, Molly. Mitch, good catch, by the way. Good first time? Really? Like for first, first time. Come on, make some noise for Molly, everybody. All right. Keeps going on your next bucket pool. I do believe we've seen this young man before. Makes the noise for the great Trey Campbell, everybody. Trey Campbell.
Trey Campbell
Hey, everybody. I've been getting a lot of ads on Facebook for things I don't need, mainly for free HIV testing. I don't understand why I'm getting this. I haven't been with a dude since I was seven. Shit's crazy. It happened the day before Thanksgiving. I can tell you what I wasn't thankful for. That I had to watch the whole Macy's Day Parade standing up. Shit sucked. He told me. He was like, yeah, man. This is what you do when you're in a relationship. And by God, when I lost my virginity, I got pegged. So I guess that he was right. This is just trauma. I'm not even telling jokes anymore. That's cool. Anyways, I'm very nervous. I'm not drunk, so. So, yeah, you know, it's crazy. I hooked up with this girl. Oh, shit. All right.
Jeff Dye
Right.
Unknown Comedian 1
Go ahead.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You hooked up with this girl and what?
Trey Campbell
It's just. I hooked up with this girl on Facebook. Dating. And we went to dialysis.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're adorable. Trey Campbell. How about a hand for Trey, everybody? William Montgomery. If he was a parade float.
Trey Campbell
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's just jump right into it. Louis J. Gomez, Give it up.
Louis J. Gomez
Give it up for Molly, Molly's son, everyone.
Trey Campbell
That is my mom, actually.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We are at a hundred percent ginger bucket pools. This is incredible. This is. Never happened before. There you go. That's. You know what that. You know what that sound means, everybody. Multiple redheads. There you go. There it is. I love it. Hello. Welcome back to the show, Trey. You've been on a couple times before.
Trey Campbell
This is my third time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. And you did some fun stuff with William early on.
Trey Campbell
Had a great time. I was really high on Adderall.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And now you're doing stand up all the time. Long you been doing standup?
Trey Campbell
About a year and a half.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You love it?
Trey Campbell
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What else do you do? How do you make money?
Trey Campbell
I work at the secret group sometimes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do there?
Trey Campbell
I'll stand by the door and, like, check people's IDs. And, like, they think I'm not working there because you look at me, I kind of look like a bridge troll.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But, you know, you look like something. That's for sure. Kim Kardy. I appreciate it.
Louis J. Gomez
You look like a bridge troll, a Reddit troll.
D Madness
I like that you're dressed the same way you were the day you got molested.
Trey Campbell
Thank you. Now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, it's adorable.
Trey Campbell
Clothes fits perfectly. I can tell you it didn't fit perfectly.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Trey Campbell.
Jeff Dye
It's the guy's, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
She was crazy. Yeah. Yeah. It's penis. What kind of penis are you working with, Trey Campbell? What is it? Does the cutting match the drapes? Is it. Does it look like a clown?
Trey Campbell
No. I'm actually like, no. Yeah, it does. I was trying to think of something funny to say, but I didn't. Nah. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'd imagine a lot of pubes. Am I right? Does it, like, peek out? Like your hair does? Just, like, a little bit.
Trey Campbell
It's kind of like a miniature version of, like, my actual head.
D Madness
Imagine Louis CK in fetal position.
Jeff Dye
It's a funny
Tony Hinchcliffe
Trey.
Trey Campbell
Always getting laughs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What else haven't we talked about in an interview? You must have thought of some stuff since the last time you were on that might be fun to share.
Trey Campbell
Yeah, man. It's been crazy. Like, I had somebody notice me at Kroger from this show, and I was really excited because I thought he was gonna let me shoplift. He didn't. He didn't let me shoplift.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I gotcha. I gotcha. How far did you commit to the shoplifting thing?
Trey Campbell
I was like, hey, can I keep these? And he was like, no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Wow.
Trey Campbell
I'm like the worst criminal ever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Unknown Comedian 1
Hey, I'm gonna leave with this if it's all right. Is it all right?
Trey Campbell
It was not all right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell, yeah.
Cam Patterson
What was it?
Trey Campbell
It was just a 24 pack of Dr. Peppers.
Cam Patterson
You know what?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're not.
Jeff Dye
He's just a shitty fan. That's all that means.
Trey Campbell
That guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jeff Dye
You're not a bad shoplift.
Trey Campbell
Hope he gets fired.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The fact that you added a plural to Dr. Pepper is incredible.
Unknown Comedian 1
It's like 20 pack of Dr. Peppers.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's the most adorable thing I've ever seen.
Trey Campbell
24 Dr. Peppers in the.
Unknown Comedian 1
All I wanted was 24 Dr. Peppers.
Trey Campbell
They're expensive now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're cute. You're like. Like some type of. I don't even know what. He's like an Ewok or something like that. Right?
Trey Campbell
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy. I appreciate it. My God. You ever use this cuteness or adorability for. To get good things other than a 24 pack of Dr. Peppers?
Trey Campbell
Well, no, I should.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You should. You should go. One Dr. Peppers at a time. Yeah.
Unknown Comedian 1
Mind if I have this can of Dr.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I bet if you said that, if you said the full name to them, they'd be like, get out of here.
Trey Campbell
Yeah, go ahead.
Unknown Comedian 1
Do you mind if I have this can of Dr. Peppers?
Trey Campbell
I should have.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fuck, yeah.
Trey Campbell
This is fun.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell, yeah. What's your love life like?
Trey Campbell
Not great.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tell us more. What are you into?
Trey Campbell
I just like any woman that's like, would like me. I don't know.
Louis J. Gomez
It's the saddest thing I've ever heard
Tony Hinchcliffe
in my entire life, but it's sweet.
Jeff Dye
And I just.
Louis J. Gomez
And I just watched Molly's One minute.
Trey Campbell
That's my mom.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. When's the last time you were with a woman, Trey?
Trey Campbell
Probably about three weeks ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where was that? In Hous.
Trey Campbell
I was in Port. Well, yeah, sort of. I was in Porter, Texas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh.
Trey Campbell
Anybody here from Porter?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are you, from the census?
Trey Campbell
I wish. That'd be a dope job, just going around asking people where they're from.
D Madness
That's open mics.
Trey Campbell
Oh, I've done a lot of those.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, Trey. Well, how's moving to Austin now? You said you're gonna move?
Trey Campbell
Yeah, that's my goal. You know, my cruise is pretty comfortable.
Unknown Comedian 1
You're what?
Trey Campbell
My Chevy Cruze. We talked about this last time, remember?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I thought you were pluralizing the word crew.
Trey Campbell
The cruise.
Tony Hinchcliffe
My crews are doing good.
Unknown Comedian 1
We're drinking Dr. Peppers.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I would love to have you back on the Secret show Thursday if you can. I'll be there, man. You know what they got there, Dr. Peppers? High ceilings. High ceilings?
Michael White
Yeah.
Trey Campbell
My comedy career is similar to the ceilings at Sunset Strip. I got a high.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's call it Sunset. I never even thought of that before. That's what I'm Gonna call it from now. Go on down to the Sunset. I got a comedy club. I actually kind of like that. It is what it is.
Louis J. Gomez
That's a Freudian slip.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a more accurate name. There's no strips there, that's for sure. All right, so, Trey, you got a gig out of it. You already have joke books, right?
Trey Campbell
Yeah, I got one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. You go the big one. Yeah, good. There he goes. Trey Campbell, everybody. St. Goodbye.
Unknown Comedian 1
You're welcome, buddy. We had a really good times up here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, let's do another bucket pool. One word name. Very exciting. Make some noise for Longoria, everybody. Longoria. All right.
Longoria
It's been a rough start of the year. For one, I found out that my upstairs neighbor is not so much as a pussy crushing womanizer. I have grown to admire from a distance. He's just been married for a while and beats his wife a lot. Oh, you left. But he killed her. Yesterday I found out that people with down syndrome can actually get a driver license. And some of them can drive pretty good, which sucks, because now I don't know what to call Asian drivers anymore. And I've been dating this girl who has a very stinky pussy. But because it's very stinky, it's also very tight. So I figured if. If plants can grow and dogs can roam in the streets of Chernobyl, I can learn to love this stinky bitch. That's my time.
Jeff Dye
Boom.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Exactly a minute. Longoria, I do believe this is your first time on the show. Correct. I think I'd remember if a Dagestani wrestler came in here to do something. Holy shit, dude. What ethnicity are you?
Longoria
I mean, I don't mean to drop the bomb on you, but. Oh, I'm half Mexican and half Arab.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh.
Longoria
So, boom.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the is going on? This place is out of control.
Louis J. Gomez
Ew.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You said half Mexican first, which I find interesting. You tried to throw us off and then we're like, yeah, what about the other half? And that's where you just said Arab. It's very broad answer. What's the other half? Half. Oh, that's it.
Longoria
Mexican and Arab.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But what kind of Arab?
Longoria
Oh, Egyptian, sure,
Tony Hinchcliffe
that's what they told you.
Longoria
Egyptian Le.
D Madness
I call those the whites of Arabs. Good answer.
Louis J. Gomez
Very smart to pick the only acceptable Arabs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, yeah. What kind of says you?
D Madness
That's what I meant. You.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Longoria, how long you been doing stand up?
Longoria
Oh, this is my third time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. How old are you? 32. Okay, tough questions. What do you do for a living?
Longoria
I work with Dogs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You what?
Longoria
I work with dogs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You work with dogs? Yeah. Okay.
Louis J. Gomez
He delivers. He delivers them to Hans Campbel. Okay.
Longoria
It's doordash. In that case, it is vague the
Jeff Dye
way he said that. I work with dogs. Just f. Let's get. What do you do?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You stuff them with Arab bombs. Now what is it?
Michael White
Come on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do with dogs?
Longoria
It's a call center. I train them how to use their phone and change their names to Steve.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the is going on?
Longoria
That didn't land that.
D Madness
I know one thing. This guy's dog has a stinky.
Longoria
I train them, I bathe them. I sell dog food. I'm like a nutritionist as well. Just anything to do with dogs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long you been. How long you been doing that for?
Longoria
Just a while. Just something I've always done.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's wild to you?
Longoria
Like, I don't know, like, close to two decades. Like, almost 20 years.
Louis J. Gomez
I guess you're like a homeless dog whisperer.
Longoria
Something like that. I work with a lot of, like, rescues and. And, like, unwanted dogs, and I fix them up and find them homes.
D Madness
You fix them up?
Longoria
I have four dogs right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. I believe you. Yeah, kind of like a scary dog, dude, what do your neighbors think of this dog trafficking business that you're running? Sh.
Longoria
I don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Your roommates?
Longoria
No, it's just me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow, you're able to pay for yourself?
Longoria
Yeah, no, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
From this dog stuff.
Longoria
Yeah, well, it's not just that. I also, like. I sell collectibles online.
D Madness
There it is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like, yeah. What kind of collectibles are we talking about? I'm from the Valley, bro.
Longoria
I got a lot of hustles stick up here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's not. Don't cross the border and talk with Michael Gonzalez right now. I can tell half of you is leaning that way. The. Were we just talking about. What are the collectibles?
Longoria
Like, Funko Pops and sports cards and stuff like that? Just like, oh, this guy's on the spectrum toys and. No, it's just something I picked up during COVID and I like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The most profitable thing you've ever sold. Give us the. Would you pay for it? Would you sell it for Funko Pops?
Longoria
I bought one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you saying.
Louis J. Gomez
Oh, I thought he was saying fun kebabs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Delicious. What the. A phone kebab?
Longoria
Sorry, dude, I'm just nervous, so, like, my pronunciation.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm nervous. I sign up for show now.
Unknown Comedian 1
I'm on it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the Is going on over there? Jeez, Keep your. Keep your panic attacks to yourself, all right?
Longoria
All Right. All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Stay in the pocket here.
Longoria
I'm not nervous. I'm not nervous.
Molly Matledge
I'm not nervous.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love this. This is what the guys were like on the plane on 9 11. They're just trying to play cool.
Jeff Dye
Oh, I wonder if they're serving food today.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Everybody ready for a fun flight? Some shady going on over here. Dude. You ever think about doing a terrorist attack? Is there just a half of you? That's like. I could see why.
Shelby Boyd
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, well, how would you do it?
Longoria
Very carefully.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a good answer. That's a good answer. That's what. That's exactly how Osama bin Laden thought. Okay.
Louis J. Gomez
I love the fact that he leans into the whole terrorist look too. Dude. I don't. You're not religious, right? You don't have to do this.
Longoria
No, I don't get any virgins at the end of this.
Louis J. Gomez
Damn.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dude.
Longoria
It's just eternal darkness.
D Madness
He just himself 72 times.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? Do you have a weak chin or something? Are you hiding something? No.
Michael White
Ah.
Anthony Moan
It's.
Longoria
It's pretty solid.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Good question. Red band.
Jeff Dye
It's just cheaper to not shave.
Cam Patterson
Oh.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But you said very confidently that you live alone. How much money are we making from this dog business? How do you. How do you have your own place?
Longoria
Dude.
Casey Rocket
I make from that.
Longoria
I just.
Louis J. Gomez
Wait a minute. You work at Petco. You're not in the dog business, Dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You totally made it look like you have your own. I do do.
Longoria
It's just like on the side. It's not like a full thing right now. I just moved here a few months ago, so I'm trying to get it going.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're hustling a backdoor business at Petco. Have you been thinking about getting rid of this dog?
Jeff Dye
No.
Longoria
I gotta jump.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a comb. I don't know why I went with a comb, but I'm picturing a comb. Do you. I worked to be annoying sometimes. Do you dance when that music comes on like that? Yes.
Louis J. Gomez
I do These Trafficking dogs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I have a dog business. What do you want? I work with dogs. The. Was that. All right. Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go?
Longoria
Oh, I'm probably gonna think about it.
Michael White
As soon as.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Special skills or talents other than standup comedy. You ever.
Longoria
I ride parody music.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really? Yes. Okay. Who is that? Say you. Okay. All right. Okay. All right. What? To the tune of what? What kind of parody music?
Longoria
But just so you know, I don't sing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well.
Longoria
I Just write.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We know.
Longoria
Just let's focus on the lyrics.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, there's no way you're gonna start enunciating to mute music. Just to let you know, I do not sing very well. You might be surprised by these. I work with dogs.
Longoria
I'm gonna regret this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. To the tune of what? Do you have a whole band that can play anything right here, right now?
Longoria
They're gonna lose this. Their street cred, but you know, Bad day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What?
Longoria
Bad day.
Louis J. Gomez
Literally nobody knows that song.
Longoria
Some white guy with a beanie
Tony Hinchcliffe
had a bad day. That song?
Longoria
Yes, that song.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the. All right. Is that what you play before your terrorist attack? Oh, they got that very quickly. Yeah.
D Madness
Oh, my God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This really is a professional band.
Michael White
Wait, that's not it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is that it?
Trey Campbell
Is it?
Longoria
Okay, okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You think they're wrong?
Louis J. Gomez
I'm so impressed that they pulled that out just now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, you know what?
Longoria
Nah, I'm not gonna pull this off.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dude, just do it. Do something.
Hans Kim
You had a bit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jump in whenever you want.
Longoria
Okay. Where is the paper when you need it the most? You keep forgetting we had to buy those. They promise your butthole dust shaft as long as you use baby wipes. You don't have to pay your bills tonight.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Cause you had a bad day but you lost your job so you had to sell it and clean your own butt. Holy. That was hilariously terribly bad.
D Madness
That was a terror attack.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Gloriously bad. D madness couldn't take him going off beat during the chorus and just starts going that he would throw him off and stop everything. And it worked, by the way. I watched the whole thing happen. D had enough. Just. He's like, what's going on? I am singing my parody. I'm not a very good singer. I don't understand beats, rhythm or timing. But anyway, other than that, you might.
Longoria
Like I said, I just write him, dude. I don't.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jeff died.
Jeff Dye
I think that went way better than
Tony Hinchcliffe
I thought it was going to though, of course.
Jeff Dye
Holy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's what happens. That's what happens. I fucking keep digging until I find one fucking interesting thing about somebody.
Louis J. Gomez
I gotta give this guy credit. He's technically a little talented. It was his third time doing stand up comedy.
Jeff Dye
He was funny, the jokes were decent.
Louis J. Gomez
He's an interesting fucking weird little guy. I want to be friends with you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jeff Dye
Let him kill as many dogs as he wants. Good guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'll tell you what, man. You'll get a big joke book. It was a great appearance. Congratulations. There he goes. Longoria, the kil Tony debut of Longoria. And now we are rewarded with one of our great regulars on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy's an absolute sensation. The goddamn thriving, upand cominging young superstar. Make some noise. This is a brand new minute from the great Cam Patter.
Cam Patterson
I was. I was doing a show a couple nights ago, and there was a dude in the front row. He was just giving me, like, this death stare. Like everybody else was enjoying it. He was just like, nigga, I. What the fuck? But he was just like, nigga, I hate you. The whole time. He just wouldn't break or wouldn't crack a smile. Towards the end of my set, I was like, hey, man, what do you. What do you do for work, bro? He was like, I'm a cop. Not like. Like, that's why you don't like me. That makes sense. That makes perfect sense. And then by my last joke, I finally got him to laugh. I finally got him to crack open and smile. And after that, I said, hey, man, you have a good time. He said, I really enjoyed it. I was like, you have a good enough time. If you pull me over at 3:00 in the morning, I was blackout drunk. I got four prostitutes in the back seat, two pounds of weed, a Glock with a switch on it. Would you let me go? He was like, you. So for the. I let you go. I'm like, you was a terrible police officer. You supposed to shoot me. Repeat after me.
Jeff Dye
I saw a gun.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's my time. Boom. 59 seconds from cam Patterson. Fuck yeah. Did it again.
Cam Patterson
Hell yeah. That was one, huh?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Michael White
We did it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep.
Louis J. Gomez
Got three absolutely beautiful 47 seconds with Cam Patterson, folks.
Cam Patterson
You said 59.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It was. It was 59. We got the clock right here. You guys all know Cam. International superstar Cam Patterson.
Louis J. Gomez
Cam's hilarious.
Hans Kim
Yeah.
Cam Patterson
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's going on this week? Anything crazy?
Cam Patterson
Man? I. For the last two weeks, I was very sad. Cause I thought I had herpes. It was just the ingrown hair. So I was good. But I was very nervous. I got tested. Just chlamydia again.
Michael White
We winning.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, there you go.
Cam Patterson
Now I'm playing if you want to fuck me tonight. That was a joke. I do not have chlamydia. White bitch. Look at me. No chlamydia.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Clean dick.
D Madness
Oh, my God. We should call him Clam Patterson.
Jeff Dye
I think that was a crime, what he just did to that lady.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Actually, you shut the up, white man. You beat a. In his defense, he did find the most blatant hoe in the audience and pointed right at her.
Jeff Dye
That's a pretty catch.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Chlamydia twice. There's no double chlamydia. She's looking at him like you have. No, I watched a crab jump onto another audience.
D Madness
You watch her boy boyfriend think about how big Cam's dick is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah. The poor guy's just like, oh, look, he's sweating.
D Madness
Yeah.
Cam Patterson
Oh, no, wait, That's a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's a whipper.
Unknown Comedian 1
I had it that day, Cam.
Tony Hinchcliffe
For my girl. Wait, I don't think that's the right beat. I love it. So how long did you go with the ingrown hair until you took the time test?
Cam Patterson
About two weeks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah. That's scary.
D Madness
Right after he corn rode it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I did do that.
Cam Patterson
That was bad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do black people ever do anything like that? Is that a tradition? Do they have any pubic?
Jeff Dye
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you. What do you do, John? What do you got down there? You got candy cornrows? What's happening? It was young. What?
Cam Patterson
Oh, I don't need.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He realized he's talking to a room full of white people. I love it. Cam, when you were. When you thought you had this scare, did you stay away from.
Cam Patterson
Yeah, I ain't nobody. I was being very good. It was ho.
Casey Rocket
Yeah.
Cam Patterson
You know what I'm saying? I was. I ain't nobody.
Louis J. Gomez
It's a better guy than me.
D Madness
Philanthropist.
Jeff Dye
Yeah.
Cam Patterson
When we was in Vancouver, it was like, too old. I was like, I want to you. And I was like, I don't think you should. I don't think it's a good idea for your health right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Cam Patterson
And I thought about it deeply. I thought about it deeply. I should have did it thinking back.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep.
Cam Patterson
Nothing was wrong.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep. It's true. Just some
Cam Patterson
pussy, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. Pain.
Cam Patterson
That's what that is. See my face. Pain.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did you get the hair out? Did you pop it? And like, I had a little baby hair thing that was all twirled like a messed up. Yeah, the hair, when you pulled it out.
Cam Patterson
Yeah, that's. Smell it.
Unknown Comedian 1
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You always smell it. Red band smells everything.
Cam Patterson
Did you also eat it? Red man?
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, no, no, no, no, no. I unfold it and look at it. It's cool. I get a lot of ingrown hairs. I'm hairy. Disgusting. Wow. This is another episode of disgusting Red Band with disgusting Red Band brought to you by disgusting red Band and only enjoyed by Disgusting Red band. And we're back to kill Tony. Ah, I love it. Cam, what else is going on? Anything else we need to know about?
Michael White
I got.
Cam Patterson
I got these two. I called him, my two girlfriend. But they did two Schlutz I knew.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ooh, Schlutz.
Cam Patterson
Yeah, Schlutz.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, damn, that's good to me.
Cam Patterson
I like how I said, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Schlutz.
Cam Patterson
Yeah, child, you know, Say it, Jeff.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Say.
Cam Patterson
Say Schlitz.
Jeff Dye
Sch.
Cam Patterson
Yeah, go.
D Madness
That sounded Jewish.
Tony Hinchcliffe
O. I found these described some real giver uppers. Just putting it out there. I saw the coin purse.
D Madness
We're just going to Schlotz around here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is. This is Schlutzberg and this is Schlutstein.
D Madness
It makes sense because he did have to come through a tunnel to get here, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Cam Patterson
That was beautiful.
Tony Hinchcliffe
An underground railroad, if you will. Anything else for Cam guys? Killing it. Thriving, headlining major tours. Out on the road with me. We're having so much fun. How about one more time for the great Cam Patterson, everybody. Great minute every week. Great interview every week. And the fun goes on. Back to the bucket we go. You guys hanging in there? Make some noise for your next bucket poll. We're going to meet them all together. It's Matt Hart. Hart, everybody. Matt Hart is the next.
Matt Hart
Been having kind of a weird day. Somebody asked me if I was born a man or a woman. What the. I was born a baby who's giving birth to fully grown people.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know,
Matt Hart
I used to date a girl with a shopping addiction. Yeah. She would not stop buying heroin. Yeah. It's kind of sad. She actually shopped till she drops. I don't know why I did that. I'm Jewish. Yeah. I actually got made fun of for being Jewish when I was a kid. People would throw a penny on the ground and they'd be like, are you gonna pick that up, Jew? And I mean, I picked it up, but it's not because I'm Jewish. It's because if you take that penny and invest it, then over time, with compound interest, pretty good financial decision.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Matt Hart, welcome to the show, Matt.
Matt Hart
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like, you've done this a couple times. How long have you been on stand up?
Matt Hart
About five years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Five years? Where at?
Matt Hart
I started in upstate New York, and I moved here, like, two years ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. I love it. You moved to Austin two years ago?
Matt Hart
Yes. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell, yeah. Where you been this whole time? Have you signed up for the show before?
Matt Hart
Yeah, this is, I think, like, the 90th time I've signed up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you serious? Holy. And it's your first time on, right?
Matt Hart
Yeah.
Casey Rocket
Y.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's amazing. That's how weird it is. It doesn't make any goddamn sense. So welcome, welcome, my God, 90 times. Is this how you pictured it? What's different?
Matt Hart
It's. It's honestly amazing. It's the. Actually, I. I'm less nervous than I thought I was gonna be.
Louis J. Gomez
I guess that's what I. Oh, I hate that cockiness.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's where the five years of experience gets. Yeah, that's for sure.
Michael White
Yeah.
D Madness
It looks like John Gamos.
Louis J. Gomez
He's. He's deceivingly handsome because from this angle, when you turn your face to the side, you look like a goober.
Matt Hart
Yeah.
Louis J. Gomez
But from the front, you're beautiful. Like, I'm like, oh, my God.
D Madness
It's actually true.
Hans Kim
And that.
Matt Hart
I'm actually Matt Rife. I just had done to my face, so I'm just looking.
Louis J. Gomez
Can you show them. Show them your profile how gross you are from the pro. Look at Ew, Right? Come on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
One second he's. And the next he's Ben Shapiro, everybody. It's amazing. This guy is not good looking from the front. You guys, stop it. What? What kind of guys do you like? What a stud. Look at this upstate New York Jew. Never seen a more masculine man in my life.
Louis J. Gomez
That's a handsome guy. Am I crazy?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know.
D Madness
Is. That's just a dude with a mother.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's something ultra attractive about him. Am I right? Is this not the best looking guy I've ever seen? All right. Yeah. This is the sound of Louis J. Gomez's heart right now. Normally. Normally I'm the. On the episode, Louis, the man has a beautiful.
Louis J. Gomez
Don't tell me he's got a beautiful face. He's competing with Jeff Dial. This is crazy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you into dudes?
Louis J. Gomez
Me?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're defensive.
Matt Hart
Whatever gets me into Hollywood, you know what I mean?
D Madness
Like, oh, he is Matt Rife.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Matt Hart
No, I have a fiance that's a lady, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. What is she do? She is.
Matt Hart
She's a breadwinner. Yeah, she's a therapist, so, yeah, it's pretty much okay. Makes most of the money.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do?
Matt Hart
I'm a bartender right now, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. On 6th Street?
Matt Hart
No, it's just like south of Austin. Like an Oak Hill area.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. How long you been bartending?
Matt Hart
Just since I moved here. This is my first service industry job.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What were you doing before that?
Matt Hart
I used to work. I worked at the airport, a small airport, for like five years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What did you do at the airport? Tell us. Tell us, Matt Hart. Tell us what you did. It's okay. Tell us. What about the little airport?
Matt Hart
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Little tiny airport. It was the tiniest airport.
Unknown Comedian 1
You've ever seen.
Tony Hinchcliffe
In fact, it wasn't even for full size airplanes.
Unknown Comedian 1
It was actually for remote control airplanes. And all they had to drink there was 24 packs of Dr. Peppers. It was the littlest airport you've ever seen. It was for mostly paper airplanes actually. Oops, oops, I stepped on one of my toys. I'm gonna tell you about the. Oh, whoops.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, that worked. That hurt. All right, here, dude.
Louis J. Gomez
Tony is out alpha in you right now. You look like a what?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I out Alpha you5 minutes ago. You don't you remember? How did you forget that just happened? You're overcompensating for. You don't even realize it. Oh, you're okay now. I like you now. You're gay. Yeah. Okay, tell us about the little tiny airport.
Matt Hart
All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oops, I stepped on it again.
Matt Hart
I mean, you pretty much nailed it, but it's like, yeah, just small Airport Albany.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tiny as could be.
Matt Hart
The smallest, my guest.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Goodness.
D Madness
Yeah, I feel like it's big for you though.
Jeff Dye
Yeah.
Unknown Comedian 1
I'll tell you all, all the, all the pilots had a hard time finding the airport. Cuz from up there in the sky, it was so tiny. It was even tinier from when you're way up in the sky.
D Madness
I don't even have any help when I go in there. It's like, what am I going to do all alone in this airport? Well, maybe, maybe if I had a friend, I could go to the airport alone.
Unknown Comedian 1
Maybe I could sign up for kill Tony 90 times. But I swear to God, if I don't get picked on that 91st time, I'm out of there for good. I'm gonna go back to the tiny airport and make something out of myself. They always said they wanted me back there anyway. I'm gonna give it 90 chances till I head back to the world's tiniest little airport that you've ever seen.
Louis J. Gomez
Dude, don't let him get into your head. You're fucking hot, dude. You're hot.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let' yeah, Okay, seriously, tell us about the tiny airport.
Matt Hart
Yeah, so, yeah, well, as I said, you guys might know this, it was small. And it was basically, I did every job at the airport. That's how small it was. So I was, one second I'm out
Unknown Comedian 1
there, I'm, you know, one second I'm guided getting in the planes, these tiny little airplanes. And then when they arrived, I helped them with their luggage and I asked, do you want anything?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you need anything?
Unknown Comedian 1
Do you have a car service coming? Would you like me to order an Uber? For you. Welcome to the world's tiniest airport. I used to have to duck down when I would go inside because it was made for tiny people doing tiny things.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Things.
Unknown Comedian 1
Carry ons. Only at this airport. Oh, boy. Hope you didn't check any luggage. Oh. Because if you did, I'm gonna help you with that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. I'm really.
Jeff Dye
You.
Matt Hart
You're making it sound stupid, but that's pretty accurate. That's kind of what it was like.
Jeff Dye
So you're a funny guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Guy.
Michael White
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it, Matt. So you live here full time. You do stand up a lot. What's the longest set that you have?
Matt Hart
I've done about 20 minutes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you want to.
Longoria
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're beautiful. And you got a big joke, buck. Boom. Make some noise for Matt Hart, everybody. A fantastic Kill Tony debut. Could be 90 more weeks until you see him again.
Louis J. Gomez
Oh,
Tony Hinchcliffe
he's not done tonight. Another bucket pool. We having fun out there. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Shelby Boyd, everybody. Here we go. Shelby Boyd, everyone. Makes the noise for Shelby, everybody.
Shelby Boyd
Hey. So Texas is weird. At least I think it is. Because the other day I was at work and I hear someone around the corner walking in heels, and I'm imagining this tall, beautiful, successful businesswoman, and instead, this short, stocky man with a cowboy hat rounds the corner. Corner really threw me off. But I have a couple jokes for you about tortoises. So my tortoise is like a piano. It'll kill you if it falls 50ft under your head.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I like it.
Shelby Boyd
My brother saw a turtle in Cancun, but I one upped him because I see a turtle every night when I shower with my husband. Husband. And honestly, I expected these jokes to last a little longer, so that's all I had for you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Shelby Boyd, welcome. Hello. How recently did you escape from a mental hospital? Is it hours ago or pretty recently?
Shelby Boyd
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How's it going, Shelby? How long you been doing stand up?
Shelby Boyd
About six months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. All of it here in Austin, Texas, in College Station. Okay. Up there near the Dixie Chicken.
Shelby Boyd
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know the Dixie Chicken?
Shelby Boyd
Nope.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You don't know what I'm talking about, but you said. Yep. Yep. Okay. Very good. It's a giant bar there where everybody goes after Texas A and M games. I just so happen to be friends with one of the greatest college football players and football players of all time, the great Johnny Manzel, Texas own. Make some noise for Johnny Manzel, everybody. Big Boots is here. There he is right there. What's up with your tortoise? Are you crazy? Do you have a tortoise?
Shelby Boyd
I do have a tortoise.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How big is it?
Shelby Boyd
About that big.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
D Madness
I saw this on an episode of Love on the Spectrum.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He broke up with her. Right. Well, tell us more about this tortoise. How did you get into the tortoises? Start as a snake addiction or something. How do you get to tortoises?
Shelby Boyd
No, my brother in law actually got it when he was a kid and typical. He doesn't take care of his pets, so I stole it from him.
Louis J. Gomez
Typically, yes, you're right. People don't take care of the tortoises.
D Madness
Yeah, they live a long time.
Shelby Boyd
They're pretty hard to take care of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you have to do?
Shelby Boyd
You have to feed them once a day.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Longoria
Yeah.
Louis J. Gomez
Easier than a cat.
Jeff Dye
Yeah. These answers are exactly what I would expect about a tortoise.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Jeff Dye
When you asked it, I was like, this isn't going to be interesting at all. And I was right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. No, it's. It is though. You love your tortoise.
Shelby Boyd
I do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah. There you go. Don't disrespect this. She's obviously. You know, I bet I have a
Jeff Dye
thing with female comedians. It's a problem.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Shelby, what do you do for a living?
Shelby Boyd
I'm a marine Marine biologist.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're a what? What?
Shelby Boyd
A marine. Marine biologist.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're a marine?
Shelby Boyd
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Marine?
Shelby Boyd
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Biologist?
Shelby Boyd
Yes.
Louis J. Gomez
I'm a comedian. Comedian.
Casey Rocket
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So you work for the marines? You're a Marine?
Shelby Boyd
I am a marine.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And your role is being a marine biologist or that's two separate things.
Shelby Boyd
Two separate, separate things.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So you're a marine and you're also a marine biologist?
Shelby Boyd
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're not a marine Marine biologist?
Shelby Boyd
I am.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, no, you're a Marine and you're also a marine biologist. If you were a Marine Marine biologist, that means you would put on camo, go to a base, and then study underwater animals. Sorry, got bad news for you. But you don't do that. That's a separate thing. And you're also, in addition to being a marine, you are also and friend. A marine biologist.
Shelby Boyd
That's two of my careers.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, Shelby, what do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of girl likes to crack a good can of Mountain Dews.
Shelby Boyd
Like to hang out with my tortoise.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know what else? Tell us more about you, Shelby.
Shelby Boyd
I'm actually a pretty boring person. I just.
Louis J. Gomez
No way.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You identify as a tortoise. We know. You're Kind of boring.
D Madness
She tells the story, and the tortoise is like, please, I only have 300 more years.
Jeff Dye
Tortoise is like, God, get me the out of here. Jesus Christ.
D Madness
I wish her brother would have starved me.
Jeff Dye
Why did I have to be a father?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tortoise? It's an easy job. All I need is fed once a day. This talking my. Do they have ears?
Jeff Dye
They do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I like turtles.
Casey Rocket
Whoa.
Louis J. Gomez
Is that offensive to the tortoise community that he just said he likes turtles?
Shelby Boyd
Tortoises are turtles.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, word.
Louis J. Gomez
I stand corrected.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's the difference? What's the difference between a turtle and a tortoise?
Shelby Boyd
A tortoise is a turtle that does not like to swim.
D Madness
So it's black. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. There you go. No, it can.
Jeff Dye
It just doesn't like it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's right. Starting wide receiver, rear Alabama tortoise.
D Madness
Molly just poured one out for the tortoise.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What would we be surprised to know about you, Shelby? You seem like you have some deep, dark secrets.
Shelby Boyd
I'm actually only here because my husband wanted to get on Kill Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh.
Shelby Boyd
And I stole his spot.
Longoria
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did he sign up as well?
Shelby Boyd
He did.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And the plan was that it doubles his chances if you get called up, that I would go, is your husband here? And then I would call him up. Not particularly, but it was mentioned at some point.
Cam Patterson
That's why she mentioned it.
Louis J. Gomez
She's being a shady right now.
Michael White
Hold on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I want to get this answer. It was talked about.
Shelby Boyd
Not until I was back there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you mean?
Shelby Boyd
And then I mentioned that, you know, my husband brought me, and then they made.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But he's the one that really wanted to get on stage.
Shelby Boyd
He is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And you did indeed take his spot, which could have been his piece of paper that I pulled.
Shelby Boyd
It could have been.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Instead of you talking about a tortoise for eight minutes straight. Well, I don't care to see your husband at all. How about that?
Jeff Dye
Fair.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How about that? I'm sure they would move a little bit faster. Yeah. In fact, we should. We should blacklist him.
D Madness
That's so funny.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Trying to bend the rules here in the kill Sony behavior, dude. Yep. Yep. He could tour anywhere else, but he can't tour this. You know what I'm saying? Stupid. So stupid. So stupid. Took me 10 minutes to come up with that. It's okay. All right, there she goes. Get out of here, Shelby Boyd. Here you go, Shelby. Here's a little joke book. Boom. There you go. All right. We pulled another name out. They wrangled the person. Make some Noise for Shahab Tabatrenazad. Shahab Tabara Benazad how you guys doing tonight?
Shelby Boyd
Okay.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Oh. Oh, these lights are bright. Pull together.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Louis J. Gomez
Okay.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I just, I just found out that. Fuck. I'm really nervous. Sorry. Come on, come on. Okay, I just found out. Okay, I got this. I just found out that Ricky Martin is gay. No. Nobody else. Okay? Just me.
Michael White
Fuck.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Fuck. I just found out he's gay and now I just feel really, really uncomfortable every time I masturbate to the thought of him. My drug dealer and I both think that the other is a cop. It makes purchasing drugs very difficult. Black people will often look at me. Please let me finish.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Keep going. Black people often look at you and what I want to know.
Cam Patterson
Black people.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's almost one looking at you right now behind you. Just to let you know, technically he is. Is facing you.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Black people often look at me like they're just waiting for me to say something racist.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Uhhuh.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Being a people pleaser. I'm conflicted. That's it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's it. That's it. That's. Oh, God, there should be so much more there.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
That's it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, you had me on the head edge of my seat. Wow. I'm conflicted. This guy is like a. Yeah, it's right there. You got it all right there. You're like a master of setups. Zero punch lines.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
That's right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You are just the. You had us all and then you show weakness at every turn. I know.
Jeff Dye
I freaked out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The last thing I was expecting you to say after 22nd, this guy's naturally funny. Applause break was, oh, the lights are bright. It was such a. Dude, you can't
D Madness
have anxiety in leather.
Louis J. Gomez
Yeah, you, you're like charisma. Less dice. What is going on right now?
Jeff Dye
Dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Exactly.
Louis J. Gomez
Hickory dickory dock. This guy's comedy sucks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
D Madness
Oh, you're like Andrew Dicey Clay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You're like if they had testosterone and medicine for Freddy Mercury back in the day. This is a. You seem like you should be a rock star. What is your story? What was that? How many times have you done stand up comedy?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I've, I've done stand up for about a year and a half.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, where at?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
In Chicago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
In Chicago? Yeah. This is the old. Some, some of Chicago's fine town.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Don't, don't, don't judge Chicago on this. This was. I, this was, this was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. What do you do for work?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I, I. Oh, boy. I drive Uber.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Yeah. Were you an actor? Did you do theater or something in Chicago? Chicago?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No, no. I worked at a university for 14 years, and then I did stand up one time and I was like, I want to do this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And what did you do at the university?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Administration. So all the back end paperwork stuff.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, I bet you have back end paperwork, dude. You gay?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really? You just said that you jerked off to Ricky Martin and acted gay for a minute.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No, no, I just said I get uncomfortable when I jerk off when there's
Louis J. Gomez
a penis in my butt.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Who are you?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Oh, no.
Louis J. Gomez
Wow.
D Madness
Oh, that's hilarious.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Shahab Dabad. What are you? What ethnicity?
D Madness
Who are you?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
It's. And Persian. My parents are from Iran. They came here in the mid-70s.
D Madness
You look like a greaser that never
Shahab Tabatrenazad
you do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You seem very shy and reserved and, like, what's going on here? Tell us about you. Are you like a conservative guy? You stick to your Iranian roots?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No, no, I was. I was like, straight edge until 38. And then. And then I got divorced. I did MDMA with a beautiful Dominican woman and had a religious experience. So that's.
D Madness
I hate this guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is interesting. You're so likable until you talk. Shah, is the beautiful Dominican woman here tonight?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No, she's not.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where's she at?
Louis J. Gomez
She killed herself.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. All right, let's stick with the interview here. Stick with me, Shahab. Keep answering questions.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is it just a one night thing you.
Louis J. Gomez
It was.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Yes, it was a one night.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So tell us about your divorce. Do you have kids?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No kids.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long were you married for?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
We were together 13 years. Mar.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This was an Iranian arranged marriage?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No, she's a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Your last name is what again?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Tabo. Tabo. Jud.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. And you weren't in an arranged marriage?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You got to just do whatever you want. Say it again.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I just.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Say it again. Yeah. Dude.
D Madness
Say it one more time and a genie comes out.
Louis J. Gomez
It sounds like you're falling down the stairs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Say it again. That is unbelievable. It's an extremely long 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15 letters in that last name.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
It's a lot. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. That's a lot for a last name.
Anthony Moan
Yeah.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
And it's like. It's kind of cut short. I actually have, like, an official title. I have a. Say it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's that? Say the whole thing. The whole thing? Yeah, say the whole thing.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
It's a Sayed Shah.
Jeff Dye
Oh, sorry.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I'm freaking.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Their lights are.
Unknown Comedian 1
I'm freaking out, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Shut the up. Dude, how do you wear that jacket? How.
Unknown Comedian 1
How.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How did someone sell you that jacket? They're like, man, I really shouldn't do that.
D Madness
Hold my heart in my chest.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Actually, that's. It's like a security blanket.
D Madness
Oh, you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, God. It's like a security blanket, I must say. Is that your real hair?
Jeff Dye
It is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No.
Jeff Dye
That's what I was thinking. That's why I've been staring at this. I'm like, that hairline is here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is kind of crazy.
Jeff Dye
Good hairline.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The hair in the jacket's Amazon Prime.
Louis J. Gomez
Like, that's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Red band. Red band. Not the highest batting average, but when he gets a hold of that, it goes out of the park. They gotta go in the river to. They have to go get in their kayak to get that home run ball deep out of the arena. It does look like that. You look like that. You look like we ordered you off of Amazon Prime Prime. Good job. Red band. Hell yeah. Two day delivery. Look at this guy. My goodness. So did I ask you what you do for work? Uber driver. That's the whole answer. You're like a creepy Uber driver.
Unknown Comedian 1
Something.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I'm actually. I not a creep. I think I'm a very good Uber.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What kind of car do you have?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I have a Prius.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You wear that jacket while driving that car?
Jeff Dye
Oh, no.
D Madness
The Prozac of cars.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness.
D Madness
Get in. You didn't hear it start?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You just make the noises with your mouth. You ready to ride?
D Madness
Oh, welcome to my Uber. God, I'm so nervous I'm driving you today.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ooh, I'm not really good at this.
D Madness
I hope we make it to your destination, but if we don't.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, the. The headlights coming at us are very bright.
D Madness
Oh, no. Is that a stoplight? Is that a stoplight ahead?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'll tell you, black people often think I'm gonna say something racist.
Jeff Dye
Yeah, I do. I get you and I get the jacket. I don't know how you fucking decided to wear the jacket. Like what?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like.
Jeff Dye
Nothing about you is this look.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love love where he's going with us. Tell us the truth about that jacket. What made you get it? Where were you? When did it happen? It looks like it's like it's first night out or something like that.
D Madness
It looks like it belongs to JonBenet Ramsey.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, all right. I'm talking to Edward Scissorhands over here. If he's a. After being made a real man again. You were once a cookie,
Casey Rocket
So.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, where did you first see the jacket? Tell us about this. Have you. Have you owned it a long time?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I've.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I. Tell us about the jacket.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Yes, yes. Focus. Okay, I got it. So.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. God, right when I.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Right when I was getting divorced.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When was that?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
What's that?
Tony Hinchcliffe
We don't know when you got divorced.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
September of 2018.
Trey Campbell
2018.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, so there we are five years ago. Keep going. Nice and slow. Okay, some better lighting on this.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I was in Chicago. I was in Chicago at the shots.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice and slow. Take your time.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
At the shots leather jacket store.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And I. Louder, but take your time.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Yes, thank you. At. At the shots leather jacket store. And I tried this on, and I took a picture of it. And then for two years, I just thought about this. Jacket. Jacket.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm serious. Oh, God. Come on, come on. So hold on, hold on. Pause for applause. You got this. You're doing what the guy in the jacket should have done all along. We're finally. We got you there. We're slowing you down. Breathe a little bit in through your nose. No, not.
Jeff Dye
Not.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Just breathe in and out through your nose.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Deeply, though.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Thank you, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So you thought about it every day for two years, and then what happened?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
So what I realized about myself was I was. Whenever I'd go to a thrift store, I'd look for a leather jacket, and I ended up, like, buying, like, multiple shitty versions of this one. And I thought it was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How many. How many versions? You think you were chasing that dragon? How many do you think you bought?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I think two or three.
Michael White
Wow.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
And then finally I realized, like, it's important to just get the thing you want in life and not settle for some shitty version.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you remember where you were when you had that thought, that moment?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I was in Chicago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. Still in Chicago. Sorry. Yeah.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Where did I have that?
Tony Hinchcliffe
The entire city. I became a cloud that day, and I overtook the entire city of Chicago. And while being that cloud, I realized, realized, get what you want. Keep going. Keep going.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
So I think I was. I was most probably in my apartment because I spent the two years of the pandemic alone in my apartment doing a lot of psychedelics.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We know a lot of psychedelics, right? Okay.
Unknown Comedian 1
Did you used to have a crazy job or something?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I worked at a university.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's right. And you were. You were like, buy the book and all this stuff. And then you. You did MDMA with a Dominican chick. Divorced your wife, went out on your own. You're like, I'm gonna make it. I'm Iranian. As I'm gonna be an Uber driver. Yeah, well, you're like, I'm gonna fulfill what an Iranian should truly be doing with the last name. My. I mean, if this last. If I got you as an Uber driver, I'm like, guys, it's okay. Our ride's on the way. It's Shahab. Top of the medicine is on bar the third. No big deal. We have nothing to worry about. Sure. It's going to be a super safe ride. And then a Prius rolls up. You're like, get in. Okay, tell us about the jacket. Let's go back.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So thought about it. You realize I can get what I want. How long after that? How long did it take you after you had that epiphany to buy the shots leather jacket that you thought about every day for two.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Two years. It was two full years. And then.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Then you realized you should get it, and then you got it.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Yeah, I got it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How much was it?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
It was like $900.
Louis J. Gomez
That's it.
Cam Patterson
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Louis J. Gomez
Why did you wait so long? Hey, that was the insurmountable hill that you couldn't get over.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really?
Jeff Dye
That's.
D Madness
Well, that's a lot. That's a lot. Don't be a.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a lot of Uber rides in an Uber X. Yeah. I don't know if you know what 15 of 21 is, but
D Madness
he was Puerto Rican for a second.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's a lot. Okay, so how did you feel when you went back to shots? You tried it on again, didn't you, before you bought it?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
You know, they had the shots. Chicago store closed.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, there's a huge twist here. So then what happened? You went online. You had to go. You had to go to the website.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And you had to take a chance, didn't you?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
No, no, because I. When I. I took. I did like a photo shoot with my. With a jacket. Jacket, and I specifically took pictures of the size. It's like a 38 long.
D Madness
I got really long arms the whole time. JonBenet is decomposing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
D Madness
Pineapple to the stomach.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Look at you now, just using a bomber jacket. What it was meant for all along, you know? Is it a bomber jacket? Is that what that says, a bomber jacket? No, it's not even a bomber. A bomber camera is one of the inflatable ones. Yeah, I it up. It's still good. It still counts.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Oh, yeah, that's good. That's good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, tell us something else crazy that we'd be shocked to know about you. This interview has gone on way too long, but I feel like there's more there.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
In the last 60 days, I've done seven nights of ayahuasca.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, that answers a lot. How long have you been signing up for the show?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I think this is my fifth or sixth time.
Casey Rocket
I.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
So I. I've been traveling back and forth from here to Chicago. I don't really live anywhere right now. I'm a bit. No, nomadic, so just kind of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You live in your Prius?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I do.
Louis J. Gomez
That's a really cool way to say homeless dude.
Jeff Dye
He lives at work.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. All right. When you love what you do, that is so interesting. Do you love what you do?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I really like talking to strangers. And my favorite thing is like, is
Louis J. Gomez
that's the creepiest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.
D Madness
Also, you were terrified to do it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love.
Louis J. Gomez
I love talking to children and little strangers and trying to get them to come to my van.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Who are you really?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness. Shahab, how old are you?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I am 43.
Tony Hinchcliffe
43. Wow. You don't look a day over 62. That's incredible. How long you been doing it again?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
So I did it one time and then I quit my job June of 22 and started doing stand up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. There's a little joke book.
Molly Matledge
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We still having fun out there? How do you feel? You good?
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Yeah, I feel really good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Happy? Yeah.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
I mean, I wish I would have done better, but I appreciate you guys being so nice.
Jeff Dye
Not you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Human.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're so human. Why are you so sweet?
Louis J. Gomez
I hate you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Stop. I'm gonna keep him here longer. There's more. I figured you quite out yet. What's a dark side to you? Tell us an actual. Because you seem all goody two shows. You know, I like everybody after done better. It's kind of wild.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Yeah. After college I wanted to join the Marine Corps just to like, see how much suffering and misery I could take. But then my college sweetheart, later wife and then ex wife was like, it's me or the marines. And I ended up not doing it. So I always had that regret because I was curious where my breaking point.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Have you ever thought about being a Marine? Marine biologist. All right, I'm getting you out of here. There you go. Shabdam. Fuck. Yeah. Guy's a little bit too human. He's like too human. Get out of here. Shabbat. There he goes. Look at him. He's so sweet. He's like a. He's like one of those people from like an old sitcom or something. Hi, I'm Shahab Tabata. Bit. All right. Make some noise for Anthony Moan or monet perhaps Anthony Monet. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Anthony Monet.
Anthony Moan
So recently I started doing the keto diet, right? That's not funny. Oh, but I tell you what, if you guys want to feel alienated and get some dirty load looks, then you should come out to your Italian family as being keto. I had one uncle tell me that he wished I came out of the closet for real. Instead, He goes, suck all the dicks you want, dude, but you're giving up bread. That fucking hurt, man. I'll tell you.
Louis J. Gomez
But, yeah, it's.
Anthony Moan
It's awful. I tell you. Like, honestly, you guys got to see the disgraced looks on their faces as I just desecrate the top of a slice of pizza. They honestly, they treat me like I'm a disgrace. You know, like, they treat me like we're a Muslim family and I'm the only member of the family who eats pork exclusively. They treat me like we're an Indian family.
Unknown Comedian 1
Family.
Anthony Moan
And I'm the only member of the family who didn't become a doctor or an IT guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, there it is. Thank you, Monet. Am I saying that right, Monet? Moan. Moan.
Anthony Moan
Yes, sir. Oh, I should probably grab the mic, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep.
Louis J. Gomez
Moan.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah. Welcome, Anthony Moan. How long you been on standup?
Anthony Moan
Two years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where at?
Anthony Moan
Upstate New York.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow, wow, wow. Ongoing theme in tonight's episode where?
Anthony Moan
Rochester, towards the East Coast. Like, near Albany.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Yeah, yeah, it's rough out there. The worst.
Anthony Moan
Yeah, it's one of those places. There's not a lot to say, you
Tony Hinchcliffe
know, you've lived there your whole life.
Anthony Moan
Yeah. A little closer to Saratoga, but Albany is, like, the closest.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. How old are you?
Anthony Moan
33.
Tony Hinchcliffe
33. Yes, sir. You have all your old buddies from high school and everything?
Anthony Moan
Yeah, I mean, my high school was like, one of those like. Like, like extra white high schools. You know what I'm saying?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, no, Upstate New York, we definitely know. What do you do for work? Sounds nice.
Anthony Moan
Oh, I'm a barber, unfortunately, buddy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Anthony Moan
It's a terrible job.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yikes. Where do you live now?
Anthony Moan
I just moved to Austin about six months ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. How do you like Austin?
Anthony Moan
I like it, man. I'm from the suburbs, though, so it's like a little bit more like homeless guy dick that I'm, like, used to seeing. So it's been. It's been eye opening, you know, it's a lot of nudity and just random meth use.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But in Austin.
Anthony Moan
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where do you live at? You live at right underneath the freeway or something like that exact neighborhood. Are you in homeless dick? Meth use and syringes everywhere.
Anthony Moan
I requested it, actually, from the real estate agent. I was like, where are the dicks in the meth.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Anthony Moan
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Anthony, what's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
Anthony Moan
I got arrested for the first time since I moved here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What happened?
Anthony Moan
Oh, I had a weed vape. Vape, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What?
Anthony Moan
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you mean you got arrested for a weed vape?
Anthony Moan
So, I mean, I. I'm not trying to compare New York to Texas because people get all mad when you do that, but. But just because I'm used to being in New York, I just don't want
Tony Hinchcliffe
people to get mad. You shouldn't say that part either. Go ahead. What happened with the stupid. How do you. This is some. There's something more to this story.
Anthony Moan
Bad start. Bad start.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're not allowed to hit a weed vape while practicing pedophilia driving. They got me for the. The weed vape. Yeah, he was driving, right, Totally. The weed vape.
Anthony Moan
But no, I just. I'm saying, like, I was so lax about it, like a. You know, cuz I was like in New York mode where it's like, tell us what happened. Leave the. Well, they asked me if it was Delta 8, and I just was being honest, like a. I was like, no, it's weed.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Were you pulled over? It's decriminalized out here. How did this happen?
Anthony Moan
Well, the pens are still. Listen to this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Did you get pulled over?
Anthony Moan
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Or were you on the street?
Anthony Moan
I got pulled over.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's called dui, dude. No, it wasn't high. No, it wasn't high.
Anthony Moan
No, no, I wish I was high. The arrest would make more sense. Like, I was stone sober. It was in my cup holder. And I was just honest. I said it was weed, but I knew I was cuz the cop was like real Texas. Like, like small town Texas. And he. Yeah, right. And he. And he goes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He literally looked at D Madness on that. Like, don't you hate when you get pulled over, my friend? Anyway, but he's just like, what? I know you ain't talking to me, but.
D Madness
But is that how he lost his eyes?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, what? You don't lose your eyes, Kim. That's not how big she took the heat off me. Is that where he misplaced his eyeballs? What the.
Anthony Moan
But like, so the cop was like, real small town Texas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my bad.
Anthony Moan
He was real small time Texas. And he said at one point, he goes, I don't know how they do Things in New York.
Louis J. Gomez
New York.
Anthony Moan
And that's when I knew I was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep, you are. You seem like you have, like, bookie energies. Do you partake in any of your. Does the Italian blood keep you doing illegal things? Do you find.
Anthony Moan
Or you just weed stuff, man? I mean, like, I like Texas, but I just don't get why, like, everybody's packing heat and chugging whiskey. But if you have a weed vape, you're a terrorist.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Now you're so unlikable that he wanted to get you on something is what happened.
Anthony Moan
It's my face.
Longoria
It's my.
Anthony Moan
Yeah, dude.
Louis J. Gomez
Like, none of us want to jump in and tell jokes right now. That's how unlikable you are. We're all kind of sitting here silently, like, what's up with this guy?
Jeff Dye
And what's wrong with whiskey and guns?
Tony Hinchcliffe
They're dope, too.
Matt Hart
No, they're.
Louis J. Gomez
Why didn't you just say it was D8, though? What was. Why didn't you. Because he wouldn't have known. They're not going to test it. There's no lab.
D Madness
That's what you get for trying to be honest.
Anthony Moan
Yeah, yeah, seriously, though. No, I just figured, like, I've gotten in situations where I was honest and it worked out, but it just wasn't working of them.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know what I mean? You're like, if Turtle from Entourage was a tortoise. Stupid, stupid. It's a honor, right? Okay, Anthony Moon. I get another one. Was this the last one? Oh, son of a. Let's do one more. Let's go snag one more out of here. All right, tell us something else. You have any special skills or talents? You have a freelance rap or anything like that? You have any paper parodies?
Anthony Moan
Not really. Nothing musical. I mean, I'm nasty at pingpong.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are those necklaces real?
Casey Rocket
No.
Anthony Moan
You're very kind. You're very kind.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Pay for that big fake diamond necklace.
Anthony Moan
Well, it's one of those where it's, like, fake but not too fake. Like, it's real silver, but the stones are fake, so I.
Tony Hinchcliffe
With that.
Jeff Dye
He is honest.
Anthony Moan
Yeah.
Louis J. Gomez
Serious.
Jeff Dye
Just right away. No, this is a fake.
Louis J. Gomez
Yeah, dude. We're not going to test your diamonds, dude.
Anthony Moan
Just say they're real if you want to, bro.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Bust out the tester.
Anthony Moan
Bust out it out. Bust it out.
Louis J. Gomez
Cu Honest to a T. That makes you dick.
Jeff Dye
It's really small. It's a really small dick.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's really fun.
Jeff Dye
No lie.
Louis J. Gomez
Being ra Exag a little bit, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's your love life like, Anthony?
Anthony Moan
It's not going well, buddy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tell us about it. Tell us about a time you've blown it with a girl. Oh, God. What's the most recent thing that you did with a girl? Well, you got.
Anthony Moan
You probably tell by my set, but I like dirty jokes, and I think sometimes I jump the gun with the dirt. You know what I mean? You got to ease into that kind of thing. And sometimes. Oh, God, the music's really setting the mood here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're not supposed to acknowledge that. Oh, well. Well, the last girl I went out
Anthony Moan
with here was, like, a lesbian. Leaning by woman.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah. Was she like that when you've met her, or did she turn into that immediately after hearing some of your material?
Anthony Moan
That's what it was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
She's just. You're on your setup, she just starts shaving her head like, go ahead, I'm listening. I'm becoming. I'm becoming a lesbian. But keep going.
Anthony Moan
It's a skill. It's a skill.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Anthony Moan
But no, it was. It was just awkward.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like, my Italian family, if you go off the bread, they're like, you, dude, that was like.
Anthony Moan
That was like, Mexican almost, wasn't it?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, how do you. Very good.
Unknown Comedian 1
So how do you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How did you know that? When did it all go wrong with that?
Anthony Moan
So at one point during the meal, I used the word female. I can't remember what we were talking about.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
Right.
Anthony Moan
Dude, she said it was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Please tell me more. I can't even imagine what this is like. Go ahead.
Anthony Moan
She told me it was an offensive term.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, go ahead. How did she.
Hans Kim
And then.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you mean?
Anthony Moan
Like, I can't remember the, like, specific thing we were talking about.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Whatever.
Louis J. Gomez
It's like, so females belong in the kitchen.
Anthony Moan
I didn't even get to that point. I didn't get to the point where.
Jeff Dye
Where I can tell.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Explain the word female. Offensive. Listen,
Anthony Moan
that's what I wanted to say. Trust me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I bet it is. Upstate New York, Fully attacked Italian.
Anthony Moan
Yes, sir. But I can't remember what it was. But she was, like, real sweaty, too, which I was just. Yeah, right. I'm desperate.
Longoria
But not bad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Am I right? Yeah. Anthony Moon. Get the out of here, dude. Oh, the only drop of the night. A fun fact.
Jeff Dye
I'll get it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tortoise girl. Cotter Book. Trey Campbell. Oh, actually, he didn't care. He already had one. All right, get out of here. Get out of here. Anthony Mon, everybody. All right, your next comedian goes by the name of Michael White, everybody. Your last bucket pool of the night, Michael White.
Jeff Dye
Oh.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, we know this guy. Holy make some noise for Michael White, everybody.
Michael White
I was raised by a black mama half my life. Shout out to Mama Irish. I know this is my second time on the show, but I'm still a little nervous because I'm not used to being in front of this many white people. I'm Baptist. Nah. Because I'm usually in a place where they're just black people, Mexicans, and then me. And I don't know if y' all know this, but wiggers don't like other wiggles. We hate each other. We want to be the only one. One time I was at Club Hypnotic chilling with my black homeboys, and I see the white dude walking. I start. Started barking. He was barking back. We were barking at each other. Kind of like when house slaves get jealous of other house slaves. Like, who the fuck let you in? Racism is a distraction. Technically, we are all black. They just point out our different pigments to make us forget that the first human is from Africa and we all came from the same human. So that means there's only one race. The humans race. Some of us just came out with a disability. Why you think society provides us with so many privileges? Because you have to be nice to handicap people.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Watch your Bell Madness getting wild. How about a hand for Michael White, everybody? A true performance, if you will. A little one man man show there. Louis J. Gomez.
Louis J. Gomez
He gave like a wigger Braveheart speech in the middle of that. That was. I don't know what the that was, but I got inspired. I was like, yo, we are all. We are all wiggers.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It was unbelievable. Yeah, go ahead.
Jeff Dye
I was just confused, cuz I don't see race. I just see everyone as white. Isn't that beautiful?
Louis J. Gomez
It's very positive.
Jeff Dye
That's beautiful.
Louis J. Gomez
Glass is half full, Jeff.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Holy Michael White. You've been on this show once before. An instant legend. I remember you make spaghetti and you sell spaghetti. You are known for this, so you still do.
Michael White
First of all, y notice all three of them look like the dudes from the Rice Krispie box.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, look, no one wants your snaps, your crackle, or your pops here tonight. You son of a. You stop it. I didn't realize the Keebler elves had a power forward, but this is. Yeah, man.
Michael White
You look like Minnie Mouse's slave owner.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I actually am Minnie Mouse's slave owner.
D Madness
So wait, do you make your mom's spaghetti?
Michael White
No. My. No. First of all, I was selling spaghetti before Eminem. Did that open up that restaurant? It was 2020 when I started. His was like the end of the 21. My ex girlfriend from Italy taught me how to make it. It's a different story.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, tell us about it.
Michael White
I already told y' all last episode, man. Go watch it. The Kurt Fox one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, but how's it been going? How's the spaghetti business been going?
Michael White
Man, my. That last episode blew me the up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Michael White
Everybody blowing up my DMs. Like, where the spaghetti? People from Canada.
Cam Patterson
The.
Michael White
Where the spaghetti? I'm like, stop it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you. Have you been selling it?
Michael White
You know, actually I've been having so much support from fans, like sending me money through cash app and.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you asking for it?
Michael White
I haven't had to sell.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When they hit you up, are you asking for money?
D Madness
Do you think.
Michael White
Okay, I ask.
Louis J. Gomez
You're. You're digitally panhandling.
D Madness
Do you think that I could get an eighth of spaghetti?
Michael White
But my spaghetti. But my spaghetti is always like my file back. Like when I need a. Like when nobody can help me. All right. Bet I go to the kitchen, you know what I'm saying? So I could be my own boss before. Because I've been a hustler all my life before that. I was selling CDs since I was 15.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You seem like it. When did you stop selling CDs?
Michael White
And whenever, like, you know, CDs became a thing where you couldn't really sell no more. People like, oh, I don't. I want to skate your code. What the does that mean? You know, like that. That's how I went. That's when I went to the kitchen. You know what I'm saying?
D Madness
This guy comes hot Cheetos.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tell us about your living situation. What is that?
Michael White
Oh, it's cool, man. I'm. I'm broke. In the suburbs?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. What does that mean? You have a house, apartment, roommates.
Michael White
I have an apartment. I got the smallest one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You live by yourself for 800.
Michael White
$840.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, how long you been there?
Michael White
And it's in the suburbs. Corpus Christi. You can. You can live in the suburbs for 800.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're in Corpus Christi.
Michael White
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's what, like a four hour drive or something, man?
Michael White
Three and a half? Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep. You drive a little bit faster.
Michael White
I come every. Every week over here. It's my 19th time and my second time on a show.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love that.
Michael White
I've been in one car crash coming over.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tell us about that on the way here, man.
Michael White
It was actually a blessing in the disguise because I got some money from that shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You dead.
Jeff Dye
This guy is black.
Michael White
One thing I noticed about visiting Austin, Texas, man, is I'm grateful that I'm the only white person in Corpus Christi, man. I had this. Man, I had this white bitch walk up to me, let me call her Street Karen. She talking about. I. I'm. I grew up. I'm from the streets and I grew up with black people. But I don't sound like you, like, okay, well, we can't all be winners.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You are. You're the real deal over here. I gotta tell you. Tell us more. What's been going on in your life recently? I feel like you're a never ending vessel of entertainment.
Louis J. Gomez
Yeah. What have you done since you gave AIDS to Jenny and kids, man?
D Madness
Well, he's been camping outside of Shoe Palace.
Michael White
I've been living and breathing this comedy, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. How many spots a week have you been doing?
Michael White
I've. Been. Well, there's this spot on Thursday in Corpus that's like. That's popping the most. And I go there sometimes and I just. I just been uploading my. I don't. I don't like. I don't like driving out of town unless it's for some real like this. You know what I'm saying?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right? That makes sense. And when you have some. What are you, a rapper or something? What's your special skill again?
Michael White
Yeah, I was. I've been a performer since I was 13. I used to battle rap every Friday from 13 years old to like, I was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You want to rap something here tonight? Yeah. Yeah, let's get. Whatever you did last time, do something different.
Michael White
Yeah, how about. How about we do the second verse of that song?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Michael White
Hey, cuz, that song blowing up, everybody's hitting me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay? Releasing the special official release of the second verse of Michael White doing some Corpus Christi.
Jeff Dye
It's perfect. I love rap.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah.
Michael White
Y' all remember? All right, so I'm gonna do the second verse on this song since I did the first one last episode. All right. Hey. 88D is all I need Check me out I don't smoke a drink But I don't be knocking people that do I'm just saying we. My 80ad is all I need look at me, my 88d my 88d is all I need I don't smoke a dream But I don't be knocking people that do I'm just saying wee. My 88D is all I need look at me my 88D my 88D is middle finger to the Ritalin pill it f Dr. Ismith mama, I should be on it still, after telling them I really don't like the way this pill make me feel, it ruin my appetite that makes my life feel boring as hell I'm too young to be depressed this ain't natural, it's and if we get out of line there's a thing called the belt I got spanking like a mother but they say they didn't help so they felt they had a lock of my childhood mentally in a prison cell but they don't messed up now I'm out of my cage and free to be myself I was a special ed and resource classroom I thought school was a waste of time and all I wanted to do was ride so I sit next to the smart kids copy off their paper they go back to my notebook stuff I face in it they think of a dope line I don't smoke a drink but don't get me wrong I did it a few times I just enjoy being sober mother being drugged up all my life it feel good to be on two it's express myself that's how I say hi I don't smoke a drink but I don't mean I could People that do, I'm just saying we my 80 AD is all I need look at me. My 80 AD my 80 AD is all I need.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, that really was. That was the second verse. That was just one verse?
Michael White
Yeah, that was. That was the second verse.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh my goodness. Is there a third verse? No, it's just two songs tracking.
Jeff Dye
Was that good?
D Madness
Cool.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, man.
Michael White
I I with him cuz he don't see color.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Congratulations. That is the 500th time that joke has been done.
Michael White
He probably still. He probably still doesn't know I'm white.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. Now what did you say during that verse? Can we kind of slow it down a little bit?
Michael White
Oh, okay. You want to hear all.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I want to hear what you were saying. Go ahead.
Louis J. Gomez
Something about adhd.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, not the chorus. Let's skip the chorus.
Michael White
We're gonna do it to the beat acapella. All right, like that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's go. Nice and slow.
Michael White
Tickle it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow.
Michael White
Middle finger to the RLE and Pill and Dr. Ashman for telling my mama I should be on it still after telling them I really don't like the way this pill makes me feel. It ruins my appetite and it makes my life feel boring as hell. I'm too young to be depressed this ain't natural Let us be ourself and if we get out of line there's a thing called the belt I got spankings like a mother but they Said that didn't help. So they felt they had to lock up my childhood mentally in a prison cell. But they didn't messed up. Cause now I'm out of my cage and free to be myself. I was in special ed and resource class. I'm sure you can tell. I thought school was a waste of time and all I wanted to do was rhyme. So I was sitting next to the smart kids, copy off they paper, then go back to my notebook, stuff my face, racing it. Then think of a dope line. I don't smoke a drink. But don't get me wrong, I done it a few times. I just enjoy being sober more after being drugged up all my life. It feels good just to be able to express myself. That's how I stay high. I don't smoke a drink.
Jeff Dye
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I like it like that. Isn't that wild? It's so much more amazing when you can understand it.
Louis J. Gomez
It's better.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's better slower. It makes it go slower 50,000 times smarter.
Michael White
Tony, I heard you got dicked down by a mandingo while you were asleep and you didn't wake up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait a second. I just complimented him and the guy just. What the was that? This is how. This is Game of Thrones for you. Everybody here. I'm trying to make a star over here. I'm like, okay, one more time, a little bit slower. Guy gets half a standing ovation. He's like, you got raped by a giant black man. What the is going on?
Michael White
I'm just saying.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What is this a business?
Michael White
People, I could you. And it wouldn't be gay because my dick wouldn't feel it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Look at, like, what the. No, no.
D Madness
You are doing so good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Louis J. Gomez
Oh, my God. This is why you live in an $800 apartment. You make terrible decisions.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You had it all. I was about to announce you as the newest regular on the show. 1. I'm kidding.
Jeff Dye
I'm joking.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm kidding.
D Madness
If you were in a movie, it'd be called AIDS Mile.
Michael White
All right, I am white now can
Tony Hinchcliffe
I get a golden ticket? No, no.
Jeff Dye
You know, I would love to.
Tony Hinchcliffe
If you can do 10 minutes of rap on a secret show, if you want to, but you can't do comedy.
Michael White
Hell yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You want to wrap some Thursday?
Michael White
Yeah, I would appreciate that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, there you go. That's a gig. Michael White, another great performance.
Michael White
I hope y' all know on Reddit, everybody is saying differently. They want, they want, they want. They've been begging for my return because of my comedy, not just my rap.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Unknown Comedian 1
Yeah, we gotcha.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Relax there. Yep. All right, Danny Brown. There you go. All right.
Unknown Comedian 1
I'm a better comedian than all y'.
Shelby Boyd
All.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Y' all ain't even funny.
Unknown Comedian 1
I'm more of a comedian than a rapper.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's my Danny Brown impression. Everybody not good.
Michael White
I remember when I was a. Y'
Tony Hinchcliffe
all ain't even funny.
Anthony Moan
That's all.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's all he ever says. He gets angry drunk eventually, and y' all ain't even funny.
Michael White
I'mma tell you this quick story about when. When I was waiting to get my name called outside when y. When y st in the alley.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Remember.
Michael White
Remember when we used to wait in the alley to get our. Wait for our names to get called?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do I remember when y' all used to wait in the alley?
Michael White
The comedians. We used to wait.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right.
Michael White
Said we, not you. My bad. When you had us.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Michael White
Before y'. All put us in a luxurious club and.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. I love that you think it's luxurious. It's a Poor choices. It's called poor choices. On the alley should have been poor choices.
Michael White
But
Tony Hinchcliffe
now the doily on your head is unraveling at a very fast rate. What happens when it. When it covers your face? Does Molly Margle come back out again? What her name?
Michael White
I remember one time we were waiting out there, and David Lucas came.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Molly matlage y.
Michael White
So David Lucas came outside. He was, like, looking around, checking out the scene, and I was like, yo, David Lucas, let me go on tour with you. And he was looking at me like, boy, you ain't going on a road dress like you stuck in the year 2005.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. And then he gave you his T shirt and left.
Michael White
We almost got to a fight.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, there he goes. Michael White, everybody. All right. Yeah.
Unknown Comedian 1
And then I went and made some spaghetti.
Michael White
Tell him I said earthworm Jim ate.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. All right. There he goes. He's shouting out his cash app, everybody. Jesus Christ. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you know, this is one of those moments that the fans, fan base, all of you, everybody in the Kill Tony universe is going to remember forever because William Montgomery could not make it tonight. Everyone. He does a. Yes. He has some type of infection or something like that. Sinus infection. So he's missing tonight. But in his place, we get to introduce the newest regular to Kill Tony. This is the man that will be opening every episode of Kill Tony, at least until May, when Rick and Hans. Hans Kim and Rick Diaz have their rematch. And if he wants to. I mean, who knows what can happen? But ladies and gentle, the point is this Is our first regular new regular announcement since the great Cam Patterson seven months ago. You guys excited about this? Surprise. Surprise, Right. Writing and performing a new minute every week. From now on, he's going to be starting every show. A man who is a mythical creature around these parts. Probably one of the best comedians in all of Austin, Texas. Wild as hell. Just a thunderstorm on stage when doing longer sets. Loved by everyone that has a good sense of humor, I can tell you that. This is your newest regular and new kill, Tony Legend. Makes some noise for the return of the great and powerful Casey Rocket. Some folks bone mad to wave the flag.
Anthony Moan
All right.
Casey Rocket
Very cool. Hell, yeah.
Trey Campbell
Happy birthday, Santa.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
Casey Rocket
Very cool. God, I wish Santa was here to see this. Okay. He loves it when a good boy goes bad. Hell yeah. Get real, get lost. We're having fun.
Cam Patterson
Yeah.
Casey Rocket
I've had a lot of weird jobs in my life. I was a lobster in a grocery store tank for a summer. Great job, great benefits. All you can wear rubber bands. I gotta get out of here. I promised my fiance I'd watch monster truck videos really loud while she's asleep. So.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Babe, wake up. Gravediggers going berserk.
Casey Rocket
Hell, yeah. Just riffing. Cal rifkin jr. We're having fun.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah.
Casey Rocket
Raw riff energy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Rre.
Casey Rocket
What's that spell?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Casey Rocket. Thank you, guys.
Casey Rocket
Happy to be here.
Jeff Dye
Holy shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep. Yep.
Jeff Dye
The future has arrived.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ladies and gentlemen, Casey motherfucking Rocket. Hell yeah. That's how you start an episode right there. The man is a freak of nature.
Michael White
It is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes. You know what that sound means? The rocket has a tongue stuff.
Casey Rocket
Doing some tongue work.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hell yeah.
Casey Rocket
Everybody likes it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Casey Rocket
William's sick. He ate an apple tag.
Shahab Tabatrenazad
We were in.
Casey Rocket
We were in Utah and I dared him to eat an apple tag. God bless him.
Hans Kim
He was.
Casey Rocket
Went through with it. So more of a man than I am. Pretty cool. It's just cool to kind of see him go. Just go for it. So.
Jeff Dye
Oh, my laughter went down.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. I love it. Casey, welcome to the fold. An absolute freak of nature. Louis J. Gomez.
Louis J. Gomez
I mean, he is Adderall personified. Holy. Dude. I. Let me tell you. I don't know, kids. He was at Skank Fest. I believe. You're a guy. You're. I hear so much about you.
D Madness
Kim Fest.
Louis J. Gomez
He was at Kim Fest, which is the more important festival. At him first doggy. This is my first time actually watching you. You're fucking wild. You're unique. It was so fun, dude. Like just. It was. It was almost choreography. I watch you Just fucking own these people. They're idiots. But you were fucking really great, dude. You were really great. I'm a good. Very, very impressed with that. What that was.
Casey Rocket
Oh, thanks, man. They seem really nice. You guys are nice.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Another fool in the green room here. There's two televisions that show each of the showrooms and what's going on on the stage. I had Casey do a spot on my late night show, whatever it was Wednesday or Thursday or whatever this past week. And I'm sitting there next to Ron White, and he goes, he goes, man, that guy likes to move around a lot on stage, doesn't he? And I go, because the sound isn't on. We're listening to music, but you could see people moving. And he's flying from one side of this, picking up the mic stand crap, all this. And I go, you've never seen Casey rocket Ron? And he goes, no, what's going on out there? I go, come on. And we showed him from the balcony and in about 10 seconds, Ron was choking up tobacco from 1963. It was unbelievable watching his reaction. He got so excited and was laughing so hard.
Jeff Dye
Oh, I actually name dropped you on Rogan as my favorite comedian.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Me too.
Shelby Boyd
He's my favorite.
Jeff Dye
But also the reason I'm saying that, Casey, the reason, the reason I'm saying that is because I got about 50 texts from, like, my closest comedy friends in LA. They're like, you, dude, you've seen Casey twice. You know, all my old openers are like, off, dude, what's with the Casey? But you're the G, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
Casey Rocket
Thank you, man. Yeah, me and, me and Jeff did a show at a Mexican restaurant in la and it was.
Jeff Dye
That's my type of gig.
Casey Rocket
It's just us.
D Madness
Yeah, there's something wrong with him, but he is the future. Like, I'm not kidding.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's the best you.
Casey Rocket
Thank you. Everyone's so nice tonight. You guys have been so nice. Hell yeah.
Louis J. Gomez
Hold on. We got to be more mean. Hold on. Give us a few.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, no, no, you don't need to be. The guy's a sensation. We're excited to be working with you. You know, as the show has evolved, when it first started, you know, Kim started the day that she started doing comedy. She started writing a minute. So it's so fitting that you're even here for the newest regular because the whole thing has evolved to where I'm excited to even have you.
Casey Rocket
Thank you. Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I can't even imagine, I can't imagine how many fun Minutes and how much crazy. We're slowly gonna learn about your life through these interviews. We have a lot to get to. It's exciting stuff.
Casey Rocket
It is exciting. I'm happy to be here. Casey Rocket, Class 2013. So excited. Happy birthday, Santa. I can't say it enough. You're the.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're my biggest inspiration. Tony, do you hear red clapping right now? Do you hear all that? No. I don't give a shit.
D Madness
I feel like Casey is if AI got. Got wet,
Casey Rocket
like sexually wet. Like, like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, I'm.
Casey Rocket
Hold on. I do a good robot voice.
Hans Kim
Hold on.
Casey Rocket
This is AI. Just a peek behind the get ready. I do. This is AI if it was getting really, really wet.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
Casey Rocket
Good morning. I'm so horny, baby.
Longoria
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Casey Rocket
Kind of. Of funny.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah.
D Madness
That was the least robotic he's ever been.
Casey Rocket
It sounds really good. It sounds really good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. So, Casey, welcome to the fold. I'm very excited. How do you feel about opening?
Trey Campbell
Excited.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Very excited.
Casey Rocket
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Casey Rocket
This is cool.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's.
Casey Rocket
It's really fun. Yeah. Me and William were in Utah all weekend. I get back, I get the call. Walking off Air Force One, Tony calls me. Obama was taking us around to the gig. It's pretty sweet. Yeah. I get the call. Phone rings.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What hurts the most?
Casey Rocket
I'm like, I gotta. I gotta take this. And William's over there just choking on the apple tag. So I was like, I'll help you in a minute, but it seems pretty important. And sure enough, it's Tony. He's like, you're up. I'm like, I'll be there. And William's still on the plane. So. God bless. God bless, my man. Me and William are really good friends.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is true. You guys do the road together. I love it. Very exciting stuff. So you're in, dude. It's going to be you kicking off shows for the foreseeable future. Oh, yeah, about it. He's in. The future has arrived. Casey Rocket joining the fray here on Kill every week. Amazing stuff. Make some noise for Casey Rocket, everybody. Did you guys have fun tonight? Yeah. Make some noise for our guest, Lewis J. Gomez. The meaty Ogre Tour on sale now. Lewisof skanks.com make some noise for the great Jeff D, everybody. Jeff Dynamic for tour tickets. He's going everywhere every weekend. And her new special Childless MILF is out now. Check it out. The original regular Kim Congdon. Ten and a half years in the game started on Kill. Tony. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. It's amazing. How about one more time for the best band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the the keys and D Madness on the base. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, William Montgomery. He wasn't even here tonight, but there you go. William Montgomery. That's a sweet one. Chris Rogers. Art on social media. Guys, check out the Sunset Strip right next door at Sunset Strip, atx.com I love you guys. That's right, the Sunset Comedy Club, Sunset Connect, Mobile, Health Ninja, buses.com Security Guard Service, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, Gel Blaster, CM Smokehouse, and all of our good friends. We love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you.
D Madness
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.
Molly Matledge
Check out Red Band's secret show in every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Sam.
Date: February 27, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe & Brian Redban
Guests: Luis J Gomez, Jeff Dye, Kim Congdon
Episode #652 of Kill Tony brings the signature wild, uncensored energy of the #1 live podcast to the Comedy Mothership in Austin. Host Tony Hinchcliffe and co-host Brian Redban welcome three powerhouse comedic guests: Luis J Gomez, Jeff Dye, and Kim Congdon. Regular segments feature Kill Tony stalwarts Hans Kim and Cam Patterson, and the show also introduces its newest regular, the eccentric Casey Rocket. The episode is packed with unpredictable stand-up from audience bucket comics, on-stage roasts, stories of personal oddities, and plenty of irreverent banter.
“Actually, you made me hate Ric Flair. I was a big fan of him until I watched that episode.”
—Jeff Dye [04:40]
"Yeah, I accidentally ordered $200 worth of DoorDash on her account, and I was mad at her. But then I went over and I started crying and bawling my eyes out..."
—Hans Kim [09:08]
Tony announces Hans will take a break from performing on the show to prep for his upcoming high-stakes battle against Rick Diaz at the LA Forum.
A series of aspiring and seasoned stand-ups drawn at random from the audience take their shot. The panel’s signature, sometimes brutal, commentary and interviews follow each performance.
"For her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life."
—Luis J Gomez [16:48]
"I just like any woman that's like, would like me. I don't know."
—Trey Campbell [32:05]
“I train them how to use their phone and change their names to Steve.”
—Longoria [37:06]
“[After a failed parody song:] That was a terror attack.”
—D Madness [44:35]
"For the last two weeks, I was very sad. Cause I thought I had herpes. It was just the ingrown hair. So I was good."
—Cam Patterson [47:54]
"That's amazing. That's how weird it is. It doesn't make any goddamn sense."
—Tony Hinchcliffe [54:19]
“Did he sign up as well?”
—Tony Hinchcliffe [67:42]
“He did... and I stole his spot.”
—Shelby Boyd
"Dude, you can't have anxiety in leather."
—D Madness [71:44]
“It's like a security blanket.”
—Shahab [75:25]
“88D is all I need... I was in special ed and resource class. I thought school was a waste of time and all I wanted to do was rhyme.”
—Michael White [102:12][104:23]
Despite praise for his rapping, Michael derails with a jarring joke about Tony, leading to classic Kill Tony chaos.
“He is Adderall personified.”
—Luis J Gomez [113:06]
“The future has arrived.”
—Tony Hinchcliffe [112:06]
Casey’s promotion is celebrated as a major moment in the Kill Tony universe.
Luis J Gomez to a first-timer:
“For her first time, she was absolutely horrible. It was the worst thing that I have ever witnessed in my entire life.” [16:48]
On Hans Kim’s sex confession:
“You just can't hide how excited you are to use that. Raw. Raw.”
—Tony Hinchcliffe [11:31]
About the new regular:
“This is the man that will open every episode... the future has arrived.”
—Tony Hinchcliffe [109:11][112:06]
Casey Rocket, on his surreal jobs:
“I was a lobster in a grocery store tank for a summer. Great benefits— all you can wear rubber bands.” [111:12]
Michael White’s summary of the human race:
“So that means there's only one race. The human race. Some of us just came out with a disability.” [96:31]
On tortured leather jacket longing:
“It's important to just get the thing you want in life and not settle for some shitty version.”
—Shahab Tabatrenazad [80:00]
The tone alternates between rowdy, supportive, and savagely unforgiving. Tony expertly weaves crowd work, roasts, and sincere encouragement, while guests Luis J Gomez, Jeff Dye, and Kim Congdon bring fresh energy and ricochet off each other with quick wit. Recurring references to inside jokes, racial humor, and Austin/LA comedy culture pepper the whole night.
Kill Tony #652 delivers what fans crave: brutal honesty, unpredictable antics, underdog moments, comedy mentorship, and the historic arrival of a new mainstay in Casey Rocket. It’s an episode packed with memorable characters, wild stories, and some of the sharpest panel banter in live comedy podcasting.
For fans interested in key moments:
Listen, laugh, and stay tuned for the next unpredictable night at the Comedy Mothership.