#653 - JOE LIST

Summary

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Kill Tony #653 — Joe List (March 5, 2024)

Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe | Co-Host: Brian Redban
Special Guest: Joe List

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features New York comedian Joe List as the guest, joining hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, plus the show’s regulars and house band. True to Kill Tony tradition, aspiring comedians—including first-timers and regular performers—draw names from the bucket to perform a raw 60-second set before being roasted or mentored by the panel. This particular episode is packed with playful brutality, contrasting comic styles, deeply personal stories, and the live chaos that defines the show.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Opening & Panel Introductions

[03:55–04:55]

• Tony introduces Joe List, “one of the funniest and smartest and coolest stand-up comedians out of New York… His first time rolling solo on Kill Tony, make some noise for the great and powerful Joe List!”
• Joe List pokes fun at himself, “I thought you forgot about me. I almost killed myself back there.” ([05:11])
• Joe plugs his upcoming LA Regent Theatre show, jokes about competing with stadium acts: “My show’s on Skid Row.” ([05:25])

Notable Quote:
“I might bring in homeless people if no one comes.”
— Joe List ([05:41])

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2. Updates on Show Regulars / Announcements

[07:17–08:00]

• Hans Kim is on hiatus; new regular Casey Rocket is introduced for his first scheduled opening.
• Insider jokes about the unpredictable nature of the show’s lineup and history of launching careers.

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3. Regular Set: Casey Rocket

[08:42–16:01]

• Casey delivers a surreal, absurdist set riffing on Terry Bradshaw and his signature bit with printed photos.
• Panel marvels at Casey’s unique style, his “Walgreens photo” prop routine, and reward him with a $200 Walgreens gift card for his expenses.

Memorable Exchange:
“I go to Walgreens… my picture budget is through the fucking roof.”—Casey Rocket ([12:14])
Panel gifts him a $200 Walgreens card, leading to an emotional, mock-touching moment.

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4. Bucket Pulls — Audience Comics

Nico Casablancas ([16:58–21:41])

• Super Bowl/Reba McEntire/Baja Blast riffs, meandering delivery, tepid crowd response.
• Tony bluntly critiques: “You spent most of your time saying ‘give it up’ for things…”
• Nico reveals comedy is still new for him (~2 years, just ramping up open mics).

Notable moment:
Panel draws out Nico’s “best joke” on the spot, leading to a harsh critique but instructive feedback.

Brendan Higgins ([25:42–31:08])

• Jokes about his look, backwards Mets hat, comparison to “youth pastor who got fired.”
• Tony/Redban roast him for lack of listening skills and generic delivery.
• Brendan claims NY comedy scene is a “racket,” leading Joe List to deadpan, “You have to do well to get paid spots, it’s a real pyramid scheme.” ([29:02])

Eric Jordan ([31:22–40:26])

• First-time comic, jokes about CA vs. TX, dubious employment as a teacher.
• Tony and Yoni unpack Eric’s lack of game with women, interview quickly devolves to sexual anecdotes.
• Joe List: “You’re a beautiful man and you’re serving the community. You don’t belong here.” ([34:15])

Jeff Scott ([41:58–47:57])

• Strong bucket pull: jokes about learning sex from lesbian porn, dating, micro penis presidents.
• Excellent crowd work, shares how he camped out six weeks for his spot.
• Joe List praises: “That was fantastic… straight out of the audience, you killed.” ([44:15])
• Revealed: He’s been with his wedding-planner girlfriend for 13 years—“We’re not big into [marriage]”— which the panel notes is an ironically great premise for a bit.

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5. Regular Set: Cam Patterson

[49:49–56:27]

• Cam riffs about dating a white girl in Austin, her casual use of the N-word, and the “bucket naked” concept (super naked).
• Panel cracks up at Cam’s “dad would have to fuck her too” bit:
  • “Usually when a white person says ‘nigga’ to my face, I’d be upset. But we fucking, so she gets a pass. But I really want to bring her around my parents…then he gonna have to fuck her too.” ([50:11])
• Banter about stripper culture, putting his thumb in his girlfriend’s butt, and absurdist family takes.

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6. More Bucket Pulls (Highlights)

Roy Mendoza ([56:47–64:44])

• Locals-only pride, jokes about saying the N-word, botched attempt at a Mexican drum-off with the band, resulting in playful “retirement” from stand-up.

Deshawn Johnson ([65:10–83:15])

• Immediate audience rapport, Black History Month material, self-deprecating jokes about body type, being a “scammer” from Toronto with leather pants.
• Shares raw stories of relationship betrayal (“She fucked Chuck”), panel presses for details leading to an extended, honest, and hilarious segment.

Best Interview of the Night:
“This is the best fucking interview of the night right now. Everybody else was scared, they didn’t want to be honest. They gave me nothing to work with. This is the hardest hosting job in the world—what I do in front of fucking strangers. And you’re making it fun and easy.”
— Tony Hinchcliffe ([76:00])

Aaron Belial (Golden Ticket winner, mute comedian) ([84:17–93:03])

• Smart, edgy, disability-related material.
• Sincere emotional moment reflecting on his year in comedy and Kill Tony, “Growing up in my situation was really shitty. I wanted to be understood and nobody wanted to listen…then I started therapy and comedy and got on Kill Tony. Now I’m making a living having fun. People care what I have to say.” ([86:44])
• Panel riff on his robotic voice, gifts, and defending oneself with a taser cane.

Daisy Hart ([94:15–101:27])

• “World’s worst Asian,” erratic set about delivering babies at 18, trauma, sexuality, and self-deprecation. Admits to forgetting her jokes; the panel dives into her history as a nurse, her Filipino-Portuguese background, and childhood “nursing slavery.”

Cody Odell ([102:28–110:42])

• 14-year vet; jokes about OnlyFans and the color gray. Set panned as “the worst standup I’ve ever seen, ever” by Joe List ([104:47]), who cracks up at his own assessment.
• Odell tries his “best” joke about Disney relationships, then jams a song with the band.
• Panel advises he retire from standup AND music.

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7. Closer: William Montgomery (Regular/Hall of Fame)

[111:15–126:34]

• William eviscerates Cody Odell’s attitude:
  • “[If] you think you could… dude, you could never do this, you piece of shit.” ([113:21])
• Delivers bits on Chiefs fans, Tamagotchi pets, and Kirby’s OnlyFans.
• Banter devolves into coin collection, eBay schemes, prank mustache malfunctions, and food obsessions.
• Shares the struggle with a sinus infection, doing puzzles, and absurd daily routines.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Casey Rocket (on receiving Walgreens gift card):
  “When I was a kid, my dad said, titty boy lacroix… he said, what do you want when you grow up? And I said, $200 to Walgreens… to print out pictures of Terry Bradshaw.” ([14:23])

• Joe List (on New York comedy scene):
  “You have to, like, do well to get paid spots. It’s a little up. You gotta write and then do the stuff and have it get laughs every night. And then you get spots in exchange for money.” ([29:00])

• Tony (on bucket pulls):
  “Any one of these bucket pools could be the future of the show. Or it could be a completely mentally ill person who is threatening and dangerous to the core. Anything can happen.” ([16:32])

• Deshawn Johnson (on relationship betrayal):
  “Last time I talked to him, he said he was five minutes away. And that was 30 years ago.” ([74:41])

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Notable Timestamps

• 04:55: Joe List introduced, plugs upcoming shows.
• 07:17: Announcement: Casey Rocket becomes new regular.
• 08:42: Casey Rocket set, panel gifts him Walgreens card.
• 16:58: First bucket pull — Nico Casablancas.
• 41:58: Jeff Scott’s standout bucket set.
• 49:49: Cam Patterson’s regular slot.
• 65:10: Deshawn Johnson’s best-of-night interview.
• 84:17: Aaron Belial’s anniversary, heartfelt moment.
• 115:04: William Montgomery’s signature closer.

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Signature Kill Tony: Equal parts open-mic reality check, roast, and comedy mentorship.
• Joe List: Sharp, supportive, but delivers some of the episode’s most withering takedowns.
• Big Themes:
  • The unpredictable chaos of live comedy
  • The grit it takes to be vulnerable on stage
  • Uncensored looks at failure—as valuable as success in this format
  • Power of honesty and sharing personal stories (esp. Deshawn Johnson, Aaron Belial)
  • Comedic camaraderie and the club environment—support mixed with savage teasing

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Summary for New Listeners/Viewers

This Kill Tony episode captures the wild ups and downs of a legendary live comedy experiment: established comics like Joe List rub shoulders with raw newcomers, regulars dazzle with polish, and a few open-mic hopefuls crash and burn before a famously unforgiving—yet attentive—audience and panel.

Highlights include Casey Rocket’s ascension and tearful Walgreens bit, Joe List’s honest mentorship, a wild extended interview with Deshawn Johnson about heartbreak, scams, and surviving, and earnest moments from special-needs standout Aaron Belial. It’s a masterclass in the chaos, heart, and brutality that make Kill Tony the world’s #1 live comedy podcast.

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Transcript

[Redban]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey y', all, the LA Forum is

[Yoni]

right around the corner and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in Kiltoni's history. Travel. Go there, we'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand up sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missour, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the standup on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony.

[D Madness]

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[D Madness]

Get up for Tony Hitchcock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

[D Madness]

Hey, good day everybody. Ah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yes.

[Yoni]

You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. How you guys feeling?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brought to you by Red Rose, the

[Yoni]

Yellow rose Gel Blaster, CM Smokehouse Austin Security Guard Service, ninjabuses.com the Great Hall Law Firm, Connect, Mobile Health, where you get IV drips. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the great Carlos Sosa on the horns, Raul Vallejo on the horns. Fernando Castillo on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, the mobile mailman, Matt Muling on the electric guitar. Please, please. John D's on the keys.

[Yoni]

And hear no evil, See no evil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness on the bass guitar, the one and the only.

[Yoni]

Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.

[Sunset Strip Promo]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys all ready to start tonight's episode or what? Every single week, I present one of the funniest comedians in the world to be on this show. I'm excited about this one. You know, when it's somebody's first time on this show, I always have them with other people. Kind of get them acclimated to the flow of everything. This is one of the funniest and smartest and coolest stand up comedians out of New York. Amazing stuff coming from him. Specials out. Bunch of great stuff. You guys are going to absolutely love him. His first time rolling solo on Kill. Tony, make some noise for the great and powerful Joe List, everybody.

[D Madness]

Yeah, you can do better than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Joe L. There you go.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. The horn players are on one tonight. I love that.

[Yoni]

Fill in the room, Joe List. How we doing?

[Joe List]

I'm doing great. I've. I've actually been on the show before.

[Yoni]

No, I know, but you were on with Sugar Shan ou.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Joe List]

Oh, okay. Sorry.

[Yoni]

Yeah. I was saying when I have people on for their first time, I have them on with other people to acclimate them so that they understand the flow of everything. And now you're here.

[Joe List]

I misunderstood. I thought you forgot about me. I almost killed myself back there.

[Yoni]

Nope.

[Joe List]

I told the guy, I'm like, I'm not going out. He forgot about me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I suck.

[Joe List]

I blew it.

[Yoni]

Joe, tell us what you got going on. What do you want people to go see? Where's it at?

[Joe List]

Big Show, May 2, Los Angeles. Regent Theater. Fly in, come out, go see. I'm up against Burr. That crazy show. Bill Burr, Maniscalco, Nate Barghesi. They're all at Hollywood bowl at the same time. And my show's on Skid row.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little nervous on May 2nd.

[Joe List]

I might bring in homeless people if no one comes. So please.

[Yoni]

Unbelievable. You're also. One week before we do a arena in Los Angeles, The LA Forum. May 10th. A little fun fact for you. The return to Los Angeles, where it all started. So very exciting. We're going to your hometown, beautiful Madison Square Garden, doing two nights, August 9th and 10th.

[Joe List]

It. That's a nice room. I've done it before. Believe it or not, I open for somebody. I didn't sell it out. Obviously.

[Yoni]

It's fun.

[Joe List]

It's a good room.

[Yoni]

Legendary.

[Joe List]

We're very played there.

[Yoni]

That is true. And Rowdy Roddy Piper.

[Joe List]

Yes. They fought each other.

[Yoni]

They actually did in. And actually, no, that was a separate thing. But they did. They did something. It wasn't at msg. I think that was in the Philippines or the Forum or something. It doesn't matter. Who gives? A point is, you know how the show works. Joe. You guys know how the show works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over 200 people signed up to be in this bucket.

[Yoni]

We'll let that one be the first bucket pool since the wind blew it out. We're gonna go grab them from a bar across the street. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, the time's up and near the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, and then that means they have to wrap it up immediately after. That doesn't really apply for our regulars. We kind of let them do whatever they kind of want, and the rest is history. You gu ready to start tonight's show?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you guys are in for a very, very, very, very, very special treat.

[Yoni]

Last week we announced that Hans Kim, who's opened shows for almost three years continuously for us, is taking a hiatus until May when he battles Rick Diaz in the rematch at the LA Forum for regular ship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since Rick Diaz didn't have to write

[Yoni]

and perform a new minute every week

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

until then, we found it unfair that

[Yoni]

Hans Kim would have to. So last week, we announced a brand new regular for the first time since Cam Patterson, a new regular who's going to start every show from now on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And this is his first scheduled opening of the show. Are you guys excited? Make some noise. For the present and the future, it's the one, one and only Casey Rocket. Terry. Terry Bradshaw.

[Casey Rocket]

Donald Shawn.

[William Montgomery]

Is this your hero?

[Casey Rocket]

Pass that around. We're having fun.

[Yoni]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Sorry I'm late, guys. I drank a bottle of Robitussin last night and I got stuck in Jumanji again. So it hasn't. Hasn't been the best summer. Ain't no fuss when you're on the tus.

[D Madness]

All right,

[William Montgomery]

folks.

[Casey Rocket]

Researchers say there's two types of people in this world. Sure, I know what you're thinking. Yeah, the researchers. But what do they say? They say there's two types of people in this world. The men who go to war and the women who love them. If you ask me, ladies and gentlemen, there's three types of people in this world. The men who go to war, the women.

[D Madness]

Oh, fuck.

[Casey Rocket]

Who loved them. And the third type of person, the type of guy who likes to cool down at night with a nice warm glass of tus.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Making it look extremely easy getting the show started A brand new minute from

[Yoni]

the great and powerful Casey Rocket with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a special Terry Bradshaw remix of a set here.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, there was a long pause at the beginning, and I was like, do

[William Montgomery]

I go through with the Terry Bradshaw?

[Casey Rocket]

Because I wasn't sure if it was a pro Bradshaw room. Turns out it most definitely was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It definitely was.

[Yoni]

It's super topical. Coming. Fresh off of the super bowl last night. People are thinking about Terry Bradshaw. He's fresh on the mind, and you nailed it.

[Casey Rocket]

Who could blame him? It's Bradshaw on the brain.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yep.

[Casey Rocket]

That type of year.

[Redban]

His photo is still getting passed around

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the room right now, by the way.

[Joe List]

I just saw it.

[Yoni]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's being bounced around.

[Yoni]

No one's selfishly holding on to it. It is being spread like absolute wildfire. A goddamn sensation. Casey Rocket has arrived. Joe List, have you seen Casey before?

[Joe List]

I have. Casey's the first comic I saw at Mothership, and I thought I was gonna see, you know, Joe Rogan, Tom Segura, and this lunatic came out and I was like, oh, this is different.

[Nico Casablancas]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

And my favorite thing is watching the people that did not get it. That was really enjoyable. Just. These two are just baffled by this. They're like, I hope this isn't all night. And it was really fun. I'm a fan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is amazing. He has.

[Yoni]

He has this thing where if you don't know him, it's kind of interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then once you see him the

[Yoni]

second time, you're like, okay. And then it just increases from there over and over and over again. The more you understand that this is actually how this man operates on stage, the funnier it gets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The longer sets are some of my

[Yoni]

favorites because you could actually watch them

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

lose weight during the actual set. And. And just to let people know, like,

[Yoni]

he is being heavily restricted here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, he has drums directly behind

[Yoni]

him, a cliff to the right, a table to the left. But when this guy. When there's not all a bunch of. On this stage, he uses the entire stage, the backstage, the two wings. I mean, he goes absolutely everywhere. Famous for having a bunch of stuff on him, including random print ups of pieces of paper. Casey, where do you get these printed at?

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, I go to Walgreens.

[Yoni]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pointless sound effect, everybody.

[Joe List]

Okay.

[Casey Rocket]

That's just big Walgreens crowd. Yeah, I go to hear that Walgreens pop every time I. Yeah, I go to Walgreens. And, yeah, I had to kind of explain to him what was happening. My picture budget is through the fucking roof.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

So honestly, yeah, 50, 60 bucks a week. They're only like a dollar each.

[Yoni]

So amazing. And you. Do you go through all of these things, Joe, I feel like this is a big show.

[Joe List]

With time, you may be able to afford a printer.

[Yoni]

Those inkjets are expensive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They add up.

[Yoni]

But I'll tell you what, Casey. I actually dug into this information a little bit, and my great produce yoni found out that you get them printed at Walgreens, and we went ahead and spent $200 on a Walgreens

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

gift card. So this will get you through a couple weeks, I do believe of print ups. That's right. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe, my friend. That's a real Walgreens gift card. He's getting emotional.

[Yoni]

For those of you just listening to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the podcast, there's a tear in his eye. We've never seen him get this real before. This emotional music playing is happening in the moment.

[Yoni]

Everybody's feeling it up here. The horn players are also crying a little bit. Their eyes are filled. Their eyes are filled with water. For those of you just listening to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the podcast, if you're watching, close your eyes and let me describe you what's happening. D Madness is actually crying, which is unprecedented because I don't believe he has tear ducts. Something's flowing out of there. Perhaps there's a leaky ceiling or something like that. The room has gone emotional. There's a woman delivering a baby in the audience right now. She's gone into labor. The Walgreens gift card was just too overwhelming. Casey, how do you feel? How do you feel, Casey?

[Yoni]

$200 in Walgreens gift cards.

[Casey Rocket]

You know, when I was a kid, My dad said, titty boy lacroix. What do you. He used to. He would call me little Tibs.

[Deshawn Johnson]

And

[Yoni]

he.

[Casey Rocket]

But he loved me in his own way. And he said, what do you want when you grow up? And I said, $200 to Walgreens. And he stopped me, and he said, shh. And he said, what? What do you want it for? And I said, I want to print out pictures of Terry Bradshaw. And I want to print out pictures not just of Terry Bradshaw, but I want to print out pictures of John Hawks.

[D Madness]

Okay? And I want to print out.

[William Montgomery]

I want to print out another picture of Terry Bradshaw.

[D Madness]

Is that so wrong? Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God.

[William Montgomery]

It's not about me.

[Casey Rocket]

It's about you. It's about this country.

[Yoni]

It's about America.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, he's emotional again. Very emotional, Casey. That should get you through a couple

[Yoni]

weeks of printing pictures. $200 from the fine people over at Walgreens. We could not be more excited that you're part of the squad here. Your first schedule spot opening an episode of Kill Tony where we're excited about next week and every week moving forward.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's an honor, guys.

[Deshawn Johnson]

So fun.

[Casey Rocket]

This is really, really cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Make some noise. To the great and powerful Case.

[D Madness]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And like that, it has begun a partnership at one point considered unfathomable, a union like this. But the Rocket has joined Kill Tony. We found him out of the bucke bucket, the same bucket that we found Cam. Out of that we found David Lucas. Out of that, we found Hans William, everybody.

[Yoni]

So any one of these bucket pools could be the future of the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or it could be a completely mentally ill person who is threatening and dangerous to the core. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pool. Nico Casablancas, everybody. We're gonna meet them all.

[Yoni]

How we doing, Mother ship? How we doing?

[Nico Casablancas]

Damn. I have to follow Casey Rocket. That is nerve wracking. Anyways, I'm sure most of you guys saw the super bowl yesterday. Of course. Reva McIntyre with a beautiful rendition of the national anthem. Give it up for Rea McIntyre right now. Yeah. I don't know if you know that when she actually got announced, Biden had actually signed an executive order to change the national anthem. Yeah. To a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops. So apparently she didn't get the message either. So that's why. But, yo, happy birthday to the Baja Blast. Any Baja Blast lovers in the crowd right now, Give it up, yo. 20 years old. 20 years old. Baja Blast. Not that I love more than baja blast and 20 year olds. So that's what me and Leonardo DiCaprio have in common. That and saying the N word to Jamie Foxx. So that's. That's my time. I'm Nico Casablancas. Thank you, guys.

[Yoni]

Boo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I knew the second he said, following Casey Rocket.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Oh, boy, what a predicament.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could have gone up after anything, and that would have happened absolutely anything.

[Nico Casablancas]

Dude, I love Casey Rocket.

[Yoni]

No one asked you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We know. We love Casey Rocket, and that's why

[Yoni]

he's on the show regularly. And that's why this is your one time ever, probably ever in the history you spent most of your time saying, give it up for things. We got. Reba McIntyre was about 10 seconds of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

your set, and then one guy.

[Yoni]

One guy. And God only knows what drugs this

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

man is on, but one guy in

[Yoni]

the very middle of the room. Loved it. It was complete Silence. Other than one guy deep right there in the darkness. Like, I have it kind of spotted, but it's very. It's a very dark patch right there. And then you spent the next 15 seconds making noise for Baja Blast. Give it up for Baja blast. So between Reba and Baja blast, the audience made about 25 seconds worth of noise for those two things combined, in which then you segued into. It's 20. It's 20 years old.

[Nico Casablancas]

Yeah, it's 20 years old.

[Yoni]

This year you said that you like 20 year olds, which has nothing to do with Baja blasts.

[Brendan Higgins]

It's 20 years old.

[Nico Casablancas]

I, I a Baja Blast.

[Yoni]

Yesterday you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A Baja Blast.

[Nico Casablancas]

Yeah, I put it on my. Well, I didn't put that part on my Tick tock, but.

[Yoni]

Oh, my God. And then what was the final thing you almost said? Something compelling. You say the N word to what?

[Nico Casablancas]

Jamie Foxx. Me and Leonardo DiCaprio have that in common. We like seeing the N word of Jamie Foxx. Django Unchained joke, right?

[Yoni]

No better time than. I mean, Django Unchained came out about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

half a Baja Blast.

[Yoni]

Again, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, not quite that in the

[Yoni]

universe, but I guess it's kind of a reach. Joe List, what do you think about this fat magician?

[William Montgomery]

Well,

[Nico Casablancas]

my mom just told me I was fat, too, so. Thank you.

[D Madness]

Thanks.

[Nico Casablancas]

Thank you for that.

[Yoni]

Everything you say sucks.

[Joe List]

Well, like I said, my favorite part of Casey is all the people that didn't get it. And way more people didn't get you. So that was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, if you like people not getting it. This is basically Dave Chappelle right here.

[Yoni]

I mean, he is the reverse. Absolutely. People just absolutely awestruck at what you prepared. How long have you been doing standup?

[Nico Casablancas]

A little under two years.

[Yoni]

Wow.

[Nico Casablancas]

Really?

[Yoni]

You work hard at it. You do, like a few spots a week or something. Are you really lazy? Terrible work ethic.

[Nico Casablancas]

I've been doing it consistently every week, at least four mikes a week for the past six months.

[Yoni]

Okay, so you really, really started going hard six months ago. How's it going for you out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your best minute?

[Nico Casablancas]

No, I actually just made both of those jokes up today.

[Yoni]

Okay, why don't you tell us the best joke that you've come up with in two years? I don't know why. God, why in the world you would go on a show or millions of people are going to eventually watch it and go.

[Joe List]

Came up with this on my bird

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

scooter on the way here.

[Nico Casablancas]

I thought it was good. I don't I don't know what to tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought wrong.

[Yoni]

But now I want to know, in all of your time, four mics a week for six months and a year and a half of procrastinating. Before that, I want to know what your very best quick joke is. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, with his very best. A name you will easily forget. It's Nico Casablancas.

[Nico Casablancas]

So my mom told me that I should not pursue my dream of doing comedy. And I was like, why would I listen to a fucking woman that married the first dick that she sucked? You know what I mean? Like, fucking.

[Joe List]

Your mom sounds wise beyond her years, frankly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like a brilliant woman to me.

[Yoni]

What do you do for work, Nico? How do you make a living? What kind of weed do you deliver?

[Nico Casablancas]

I am a consultant at a accounting company.

[Yoni]

What do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of consulting are you doing at a comedy? Are you making things less funny?

[Nico Casablancas]

Yeah, because I'm charging them more money

[Yoni]

to, like, tell us what you do with the thing.

[Nico Casablancas]

So I just upsell people to bigger plans to make sure that they get all the shit that we're doing. It's software as a service. Sales.

[Yoni]

But how. What does it have to do with comedy?

[Nico Casablancas]

No, I didn't say comedy.

[Yoni]

Oh, he didn't. Oh, you said you're a consultant at a what?

[Nico Casablancas]

At an accounting company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Yoni]

I totally misheard that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible.

[Yoni]

Sometimes the sound people don't understand. There's like a. I think you're just

[Joe List]

so desperate to hear comedy right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. It is true. But now that he mentions accounting, you,

[Yoni]

do you do comedy like a accounting consultant?

[Nico Casablancas]

Thank you. Thanks.

[Yoni]

What do you do for fun? You seem like your face has a little wear and tear. You a heavy drinker?

[Nico Casablancas]

Yeah, I DJ. I've been going to music festivals. I've been to 77 festivals. Been doing that since 2009.

[Yoni]

What's your DJ name?

[Nico Casablancas]

Solstice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You got a laugh there. That's. That's a bigger laugh than your best joke and your full minute tonight.

[Nico Casablancas]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Solstice.

[Nico Casablancas]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're a gay DJ Day. Even though we're both Solstice, right? Yeah. I hope you like this song. I'm playing it for the next three hours, everybody.

[Yoni]

Why Solstice?

[Nico Casablancas]

I. Equinox was, like, just, like, too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were going to go with Equinox?

[Nico Casablancas]

I wanted something that, like, embraced, like, the themes of, like, two different, like, opposing things. Like, so I thought, like, summer and winter would, like, be good. I wanted to get deep in it. Because, like, I have a passion for music. So what about maybe.

[Joe List]

What about, like, funny and you something like,

[Yoni]

Holy shit, bro. What are some of the songs that you play? Like, what do you. Do you have your own techno?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have your own style?

[Nico Casablancas]

No, nothing up right now.

[Yoni]

So you just play other people's music?

[Nico Casablancas]

Yes.

[Yoni]

Right?

[Nico Casablancas]

Yes.

[Yoni]

Okay. And what's the most magical night you've had? 77 festivals. A lot under your belt, A lot of slightly above your belt, as well as you are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your mother is correct.

[Yoni]

You are getting fat and you're. You shouldn't do comedy. What's the Most amazing time?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

77 music festivals.

[Nico Casablancas]

Probably the first time I did the best acid that I'd ever had, and it was at Electric Forest. And I felt like I was in touch with the trees and the molecules were, like, coming in my body and stuff like that. And like. Yeah, yeah. Like, I felt like I was like, really?

[Yoni]

I feel bad for the trees on that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, this guy's one of us.

[Yoni]

Would have been funnier to actually pull

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a tree out of the bucket tonight. Have it perform.

[Yoni]

Nico, congratulations. You're leaving here with a very small

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

joke book via the great bonus eye. Real handmade Texas leather. There goes Nico. Not much to him, folks. That's what happens. This ain't easy. Comedy's not easy.

[Yoni]

Only about a small percentage of people are funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Brendan Higgins, everybody.

[Yoni]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen. Give it up for Brendan Higgins, gang.

[Cody Odell]

Come on.

[Brendan Higgins]

Hey, thank you for having me, team. I'm in from out of town. I, I, I'm a Mets fan, as you could probably tell. When I bought this hat. Thought I was going to be a backwards hat guy. A lot of my heroes are backwards hat guys. Mike Piazza, Baboni Turtle from Entourage. I realize it's a very specific kind of white boy. You can pull off the backwards hat. Forwards, I look relatively stable, right? You know, maybe I get a girlfriend. Maybe I'm married. Maybe I have kids. Maybe they love me, right? It's all on the table. Hat goes backwards. My ass is divorced, you know, no custody. Kids are asking to use their mom's last name. It's looking ugly. I just, I feel like I look backwards. Like I'm trying to command respect. That's just not getting commanded, you know? Like, I look like a bouncer who gets his ass beat every night, you know, free cover at my bar. Just bring two knuckle sandwiches, you know, I look like a youth pastor who got fired for offering to buy the Kids, cigarettes. They didn't even take me up on it, you know, they were waiting for my ass to slip. It was ugly. I look like I. I always have a cracked iPhone screen, you know what I mean? Like, even when I get a new iPhone, they don't give it to me. They throw it down a flight of stairs, tell me to go get it. You know, the. The one thing everybody tells me over and over with the backwards hat.

[Yoni]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did it.

[Yoni]

You went beyond your time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[Jeff Scott]

Thank you.

[Yoni]

Brendan Higgins, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's talk. Brandon. Brandon. Hi, Brandon. There you go.

[Joe List]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You thought that was it, huh?

[Brendan Higgins]

I did think I was sneaking out of here.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, no, Brandon, it's not going to be that easy tonight.

[Yoni]

How you feeling?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does that feel right now?

[Brendan Higgins]

God, I got to tell you, I feel fat. Oh, my God. I had so much barbecue today, I didn't think I was going to get on stage, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what did it. It was today's barbecue that made you like that. An incredible amount of food you must have consumed.

[Brendan Higgins]

I was at 32 until noon.

[Yoni]

And then you go right ahead. There you go. Okay. Brendan Higgins, how long you been doing stan up?

[Brendan Higgins]

I started in College in, like, 2014. But not, you know, every day, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Okay. How long have you been taking it seriously? Or have you not?

[Brendan Higgins]

God, I hope to start taking it seriously soon. Yeah, you know, I guess maybe today is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, do you go up every once

[Yoni]

in a great while?

[Brendan Higgins]

No, I. I host my. I live in New York. I host my own show. I'm trying to get in with the clubs, but it's a racket. You know, it's a lot of.

[Yoni]

Is it a racket or is it quality based content?

[Brendan Higgins]

It's a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The New York scene is a racket. Before it seems like if you're funny, you're going to spot.

[Jeff Scott]

Really?

[Brendan Higgins]

No, I don't find that it's a lot.

[Yoni]

Well, I guess you go ahead. No, I want to hear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to hear New York comedian Brendan.

[Yoni]

Let me help you, by the way, because this is a podcast. If someone's talking, you have to wait

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

till that person's done talking.

[Yoni]

Now, with that said, I want to hear what Joe List has to say about the New York scene being a racket. How long have you been doing stand up in New York?

[Joe List]

17 years. 17 years and no, it's a real racket. You got a really.

[Brendan Higgins]

Give it up for Joe List, everybody.

[Eric Jordan]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brandon. He's still talking. You.

[Joe List]

You have to, like, do well, to get paid spots, it's a little up. You gotta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. There's your racket.

[Joe List]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta write and then do the stuff and have it get laughs every night. And then you get spots in exchange for money.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

It's up.

[Yoni]

It's a total.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a real pyramid scheme.

[Joe List]

It's a rig deck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

What do you do for actual work?

[Brendan Higgins]

Text sales.

[Yoni]

Tech sales. Indeed. You do look like you would be an accounting consultant. What do you do for fun, Brendan? Seem like you have some deep dark secrets.

[Brendan Higgins]

I go to a lot of concerts. I don't know rap and emo music mostly.

[Yoni]

Use a vpn.

[Brendan Higgins]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Yeah, you do, don't you?

[Brendan Higgins]

When need be. Yeah, I guess.

[Yoni]

Yeah. Wins need be. What do you do?

[Cody Odell]

Sorry?

[Yoni]

When you use your vpn, what do you do?

[Brendan Higgins]

And nothing that cool, like watching TV shows from other countries. You know there's a Wong Car wide TV show coming out of China right now. I'm trying to get my hands on. On.

[Yoni]

There's a what?

[Brendan Higgins]

It doesn't matter.

[Yoni]

You're a great interview. ExpressVPN.com Kill Tony is the best VPN, just to let you know.

[Brendan Higgins]

Yeah, goddamn right.

[Yoni]

Yep. And if you use it right now, you get three extra months of ExpressVPN absolutely free. I'm sorry. When I'm selling my soul, sometimes phlegm

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

comes out of my throat.

[Yoni]

I feel a little guilt. That comes over me. Tell us a dirty little secret about you. What would surprise us about you, Brad?

[Brendan Higgins]

Brendan, what would surprise. I was a diver in college, believe it or not.

[Yoni]

Wow. Diving into what? Birthday cakes?

[Joe List]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they.

[Brendan Higgins]

They used to call me the Jackie Robinson at diving. I was doing it for all the kids who are their shirts in the pool. Those were. Those were my people.

[Yoni]

You were the what?

[Brendan Higgins]

The Jackie Robinson of diving?

[Yoni]

Why would you be the Jackie Robinson?

[Brendan Higgins]

I was doing it for the kids who wore their shirts in the pool. I was. I was risking breaking the boards every day. You know, I was getting a new demographic.

[Yoni]

Black people would find that interesting. Interesting that you consider yourself the Jackie Robinson of something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Especially with something that.

[Yoni]

There you go again, Brendan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're absolutely terrible.

[Yoni]

And you don't listen while on a show. Here you go. Here's a little joke book. You suck. You suck. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put the mic in the mic stand.

[Yoni]

You're done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're uninterviewable. I tried to help you. I literally coached you through it. Jackie, stop talking when other people are talking. It's impossible. You guys having fun out there?

[Yoni]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see what happens next. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Eric Jordan, everybody. Eric Jordan.

[Yoni]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

60 seconds from Eric Jordan.

[Eric Jordan]

Hey, I just moved here from Cal, California. Please don't keep my car, though. I'm not woke. None of that, I promise. I moved here because the governor there is fucking a terrible person and he doesn't stand for anything. So I moved to Texas because the governor does stand for something. He just can't fucking physically stand. That's the sad part. But anyway, so at my job, about a year and a half ago, I almost got fired for giving a kid a haircut in class because I'm a teacher. Apparently, it's illegal to groom a child.

[Yoni]

Wild.

[Eric Jordan]

I had no idea. So that was news to me. So since I moved to Texas, I've been taking, like, three shits a day. I have no idea why. I guess it's P. Terry's. I don't know. Because there's no Peterry's in California, so that might be it. Every time I take a. I know. It's pretty graphic. Every time I take a. It's just explosive. It's explosive. It looks like July 5th on Cesar Chavez Boulevard or MLK. Okay, that's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe List]

We have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a tough one here tonight. Oh, my God. Eric Jordan with straight booze from the audience, clearly very inspired by Closer.

[Yoni]

Inspired by the Great Red Band over here. If.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you're not laughing at a. I so much joke, you know that there's no effort behind it whatsoever.

[Yoni]

PT Terror.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness. Just on.

[Yoni]

Peter. Are you really a teacher? Yeah, I am. Okay. What do you teach?

[Eric Jordan]

It's actually an engineering class at a vocational school.

[Joe List]

All right.

[Eric Jordan]

Ninth grade.

[Yoni]

Okay. All right. How old are you?

[Eric Jordan]

I'll be 41 in April.

[Yoni]

41. When did you start standup comedy?

[Eric Jordan]

It's my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Thank God for that. You.

[Eric Jordan]

You pop my comedic cherry. I made sure that you pop my comedic cherry.

[Yoni]

Okay. All right.

[Eric Jordan]

Sorry.

[Yoni]

There we go. Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Starting on Kill Tony is a tricky, tricky thing. So when you say popped your cherry, what do you think's gonna happen now moving forward? Yeah.

[Eric Jordan]

Comedic wise? I don't. I'm not putting a lot of stock in comedy. I moved here for music.

[Yoni]

What type of music do you do?

[Eric Jordan]

I just sample music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just sample music?

[Eric Jordan]

I sample. I'm not. I'm not talented like these guys.

[Yoni]

What. Do you have any talents at all? Do you have any special skills?

[Cam Patterson]

Skills?

[Eric Jordan]

I mean, I'm good at building stuff because I You know, I'm an engineering teacher, so.

[Yoni]

Okay, Joe List. What do you think about this guy?

[Joe List]

I would, I mean, could you build an act?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Joe List]

I mean, you have great teeth, you're very handsome and I feel like you probably have a good life. You're teaching children, yet you don't belong here.

[Yoni]

It's true.

[Joe List]

You're a beautiful man and you're serving the community. You should move forward into the audience, turn around and enjoy a nice show.

[Eric Jordan]

I actually teach in California on a sabbatical.

[Joe List]

Oh, even better.

[Yoni]

You teach in California? You a surfer?

[Eric Jordan]

No, I, I live in Fresno, the worst part of California.

[Yoni]

Okay, so he does. You know, Joe has a great point. You're a good looking guy. What do you utilize that? You single?

[Eric Jordan]

I am single.

[Yoni]

What type of a game do you have? What's your move to get ladies?

[Eric Jordan]

Oh, man, I'm, I'm eating potatoes, man. As, as you could tell, these people didn't really accept me. And they don't really accept.

[Yoni]

Is that true? Girls don't like you? You go to bars or anything?

[Eric Jordan]

I don't know, it's, it's weird, man. I, I, I, I don't know, it's.

[Yoni]

You're a little bit shy.

[Nico Casablancas]

This is incredible.

[Eric Jordan]

Maybe so. I mean, the, you know, this Austin's got the most beautiful women in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do know that. I agree. None of them are here tonight. But, but they are, they're out there somewhere. Deep. Deep. And perhaps in the darkness or something like that, but

[Redban]

still in Vegas.

[Joe List]

I mean, I, I get laid. You must. I mean, how are you not getting laid?

[Yoni]

Explain to us what goes wrong. You want to mimic a date? Let's pretend like we're on a date.

[Eric Jordan]

Let's do it.

[Yoni]

Pretend like I'm a hot chick.

[Eric Jordan]

Okay.

[Yoni]

Okay, here we go. I'm just a hot chick. Just got my hair cut super short because I'm fucking. I just got out of a really bad relationship. Oh, hi. How are you?

[Eric Jordan]

Hey, I'm good, How are you?

[Yoni]

Good. What's your name? Name?

[Brendan Higgins]

Eric.

[Eric Jordan]

What's your name?

[Yoni]

I'm Tanya.

[Eric Jordan]

Tanya. I like Tanya.

[Yoni]

Man, you're a really good looking guy. What do you do?

[Eric Jordan]

I'm a teacher.

[Yoni]

You want to get out of here?

[Eric Jordan]

Yeah, I can teach you a few things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that.

[Yoni]

All right, let's get an actual girl

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

up here to see how he buckles under the pressure.

[Yoni]

How long have you been in Austin?

[Eric Jordan]

About a month and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Month and a half.

[Yoni]

And you have no game whatsoever? You haven't hooked up with A check.

[Eric Jordan]

I did.

[Yoni]

You did Tell us what happened there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you find her?

[Yoni]

Out on Bumble.

[Eric Jordan]

It was on Bumble? Yeah.

[Yoni]

That's the one where. What, the chick decides or something?

[Eric Jordan]

Yeah, they have to initiate the contact.

[Yoni]

Right. Okay, so if someone initiated contact with you, what did she say?

[D Madness]

She.

[Eric Jordan]

She was really pushy.

[Casey Rocket]

She was really pushy.

[Yoni]

In what way?

[Eric Jordan]

She was. You could tell she was more like. She wants a relationship and I'm not here for relationship.

[Yoni]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened? You guys go on a date?

[Yoni]

Date?

[Eric Jordan]

Actually, she just came to my place. It happened, and then yada, yada, yada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't sound a relationship.

[Yoni]

Pretty much sounds like she wanted to get.

[Eric Jordan]

That's. Well, she did, but she wanted more than that, and I.

[Yoni]

How do you know? What did she say? You're laying there in bed. You just busted it up. Where you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you come at? In a condom or what? You do her, hers or yours? You came on your own stomach?

[Eric Jordan]

No, not on mine.

[Brendan Higgins]

On hers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, it could happen.

[Eric Jordan]

Yeah, of course it could happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If on bottom position and they have

[Yoni]

to get up quick. Sometimes you have to just blow it where it lies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Yoni]

You have to play it as it lies. You know what I mean? You just have to go with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Happy Gilmore style.

[Eric Jordan]

Absolutely.

[Yoni]

Rule 22A says play it as it lies. You have to shoot your load. I mean, no point in getting the comforter and sheets all up, right? You take the load. Grab a side towel. Right. Paper towel if you have. You seem like you'd have some pet Terry's napkins next to the bed loaded with those. Yeah, whatever you got. It takes you. Perhaps a joke book you could wipe it up with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Empty, nice clean pages there.

[Yoni]

I love it. So you blew on her stomach and then you got a towel or something, right?

[Eric Jordan]

I let her go to my shower.

[Yoni]

You let her. She went straight to the shower.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah, I was.

[Yoni]

Okay.

[Eric Jordan]

That's icky, man. Okay, I don't want any of that.

[Joe List]

Well, you gotta wipe first. You can't add water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the Icky. It's your come.

[Jeff Scott]

Yeah, it's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some other dudes come. You would wipe up or something. That would be kind of creepy.

[Yoni]

But it's yours. It was in your body.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Balls.

[Eric Jordan]

That's true. That is very true.

[Yoni]

You consider it icky?

[Eric Jordan]

Well, I don't want to touch it.

[Yoni]

You don't want to touch your own cum?

[Eric Jordan]

Smells like first aid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your c. Smells like first aid. Aid.

[Yoni]

First aids.

[Eric Jordan]

No, not aids. I knew you.

[Roy Mendoza]

I knew where You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You knew I was going to say that.

[Joe List]

You watching you for a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Watching the show for a long time. I popped your cherry.

[Eric Jordan]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I knew you were going to say first dates. I shouldn't have said it. You son of a.

[Yoni]

It's got the word A in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All you had to do was add an.

[Redban]

Did you watch the super bowl on Nickelodeon? Oh, I didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like.

[Yoni]

I don't get it. Why would he watch it on Nickelodeon?

[Redban]

They had the super bowl on Nickelodeon, but it was all slime and spongebob.

[Joe List]

They like, put it on a lot of graphics.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the reach was for icky on that one.

[Yoni]

Okay, okay, okay. Wow. Most interesting thing, Joe Live. What do you think about.

[Joe List]

I just think that your cum smells like first aid is way funnier than anything in that notebook. I mean, that's if you came out with come smells like first date. I don't even know what that means, but I'm like, I'm listening. Y. Yeah.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

Okay.

[Yoni]

Yep.

[Joe List]

Then there's hope for you. That just gave me a new hope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe this is 100% still not your

[Yoni]

calling, but 41 years of life, it doesn't have to be funny, but just tell us something that makes you different than everybody else. Something that happened to you or how perhaps all you were raised or some fun fact about life.

[Eric Jordan]

Well, I talked about. I came out here for music and I sample music and. And you and I, we're kind of grew up in the same era, so. I know. Hey, I'm a big fan. I know you're a little younger than me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you getting at? Let's go.

[Eric Jordan]

Well, I sample music and I've been doing a lot of eight bit stuff, so a lot of, like, old Nintendo games that we probably both grew up on.

[Yoni]

You know what I mean?

[Eric Jordan]

And it's different. A lot of people that have heard it have said, hey, that's pretty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's it at?

[Eric Jordan]

It's on my MacBook.

[Deshawn Johnson]

At home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not.

[Eric Jordan]

Not here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you are a marketing genius, my friend. There it is. Three little joke books in a row. It's a. It's a fairy tale. This is like a kid's book right now. Three little joke books. Three little joke books. I have a friend that's visiting. He's writing a children's book.

[Yoni]

Make some noise for my friend Willie Hunter up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There visiting from la Comedy Store legend, former many multiple time guests of the show. All right, this person is on the inside. You've seen three little joke books handed out tonight. Perhaps someone from your very own audience, a representative of you will turn the tide for the bucket pools tonight. Make some noise for the inside zone. Jeff Scott, everybody. Jeff Scott. I'm not seeing it. Where's Jeff at that? From the farthest corner, of course. Madison Square Garden, the forum. So much fun stuff happening. Of course, huge announcements at the ends of those shows. As always with our big shows where we always announce where we're going next, the people in Europe might be excited at an announcement.

[Yoni]

We pre pull the next name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's the audience's own one of you. It's Jeff Scott.

[Yoni]

All right.

[Jeff Scott]

Growing up, I would only watch lesbian porn. I didn't want to see another man's dick. I thought that would, you know, give me the gay. And when I was younger, having the gay was a sin. But you see porn, well, that's where I learned all my sex moves from. So until I was like 24, I was out here scissoring bitches.

[Eric Jordan]

I'm.

[Jeff Scott]

I'm trying to get back in the dating scene right now. I just had a first date recently with a girl. I took her to a pet store after lunch. I figured we could look at the puppies. And while we were there, she kept telling me how much she loved reptiles. I thought it was going great, but as soon as I get back to my house and I finally get my pants off, she gets all mad at me. And I was like, what? Earlier you said you love turtles. I really am trying to focus on my stand up career right now, but I don't have any social media, you know, no Instagram, Snapchat, nothing like that. In fact, right now, the only social media I have is Jerkmate. I don't know if it's all my career or not, but the chicks keep laughing. Seriously, though, if I would have known there was gonna be this many hot chicks here, I would have put a sock in my pants or something. My problem is I'm all balls. But, you know, they say one in 50 men do have a micro penis. My question is, which president was it? No way. It was Obama. Michelle's not putting up the with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going.

[Yoni]

I want to hear the end of them.

[Eric Jordan]

Clinton, Kennedy.

[Jeff Scott]

They're out for obvious reasons, but personally, I kind of think it was Lincoln dude, because what type of cuckold was that? We had such a good thing going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Yoni]

Thanks, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jeff Scott, straight out of the audience.

[Yoni]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get into it.

[Yoni]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Jeff Scott]

About a year. Year.

[Yoni]

Now about a year. We're at oh Chicago, I love it. Chicago, Very good place for comedy. What do you do for work?

[Jeff Scott]

I build swimming pools.

[Yoni]

You build swimming pools in Chicago?

[Jeff Scott]

In Chicago, yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. If you like swimming two months out of the year.

[Jeff Scott]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jeff Scott.

[Jeff Scott]

That's why I'm here.

[Yoni]

Yes, I love it. So very interesting, Jeff. Lesbian porn, turtles. Jerk. Made all the way through. I loved the Lincoln joke. It was great. Joe List, what do you think about this guy?

[Joe List]

Yeah, that was fantastic. I mean, straight out of the audience. You killed. You make your own sweatshirts. It was really. I mean, what can't he do?

[Yoni]

You are in the audience tonight. You're a fan of this show. You came here with people. How did you end up here? You bought it.

[Jeff Scott]

I came with my girlfriend. I've been in standby for, like, last six weeks. Since you stopped doing the HEB standby tickets.

[Yoni]

Right. So you've been, like, waiting in the line first?

[Jeff Scott]

Yeah, Every day? Every Monday.

[Yoni]

Really? What time do you get here? This is an interesting thing. I've heard rumors about this about, like, people. How long people wait.

[Jeff Scott]

I don't want to give it away. I get here at noon.

[Yoni]

Okay. Yeah, you're afraid people show up at 11:30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, I don't want to give it away.

[Yoni]

I see what's going on. So you get here at noon. Do you bring, like a chair or something?

[Jeff Scott]

Yeah, I get here early, so I get the parking spot right next to it and I bring a chair and yeah, I just kick it all day.

[Yoni]

Cool, man. And you've been signing up every week?

[Jeff Scott]

Every week, yeah. Sundays.

[Yoni]

And then you finally got pulled?

[Jeff Scott]

Finally, yeah.

[Yoni]

How many has it been?

[D Madness]

Many.

[Jeff Scott]

How many weeks since you've been back from heb? So six, is it?

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Six weeks. That sounds about right. Amazing stuff. I love it. Tell us more about you.

[Jeff Scott]

Oh, well, actually, I knew I was going to get picked tonight, so I was standing in line and a bird pooped on me.

[Yoni]

Really?

[Jeff Scott]

And everyone. I didn't know, I was mad, but everyone in line was like, that's good luck. You're getting on tonight. And I can't believe I got on tonight.

[Brendan Higgins]

That's crazy.

[Yoni]

That's incredible. I was going to say, how the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

did you know that you were getting on tonight?

[Yoni]

Everybody always has conspiracy theories. I'm very excited to find.

[Nico Casablancas]

Right there.

[Jeff Scott]

You can't see it. My girlfriend did a good job cleaning it up.

[Yoni]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Yoni]

Absolutely incredible. Hell yeah. She fell in love with your scissoring abilities.

[Jeff Scott]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

That's why I wonder Over.

[Jeff Scott]

Yeah, she's right out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Yoni]

No, I know. I get it.

[Jeff Scott]

I know you can hear it. Yeah.

[Yoni]

I know how. I know how the architecture of the building is. She's definitely out there somewhere. I love it. So how old you are?

[Jeff Scott]

Are you 31?

[Yoni]

31. What have you been doing with your life up until this point? You've been building swimming pools.

[Jeff Scott]

Building swimming pools. Loving it. Plumbing, electrician plumbing. All the fun stuff.

[Yoni]

Look at you, a man of many talents. How long have you been with your girl?

[Jeff Scott]

13 years.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Yoni]

Incredible. My goodness, look at that. She's done more for turtles than the elimination of plastic straws. That's incredible. I love, love it. Incredible stuff. What does she do?

[Jeff Scott]

She's a wedding planner.

[Yoni]

A. Adorable. And you guys aren't married?

[Jeff Scott]

We're not married, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

13 years.

[Jeff Scott]

13 years.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Joe List]

We're not.

[Jeff Scott]

We're not big into it. We're not big into it.

[Joe List]

You can't write better than this. We've been dating a wedding planner for 13 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true.

[Joe List]

I hope you do that as a biff.

[Jeff Scott]

All right.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a really good. You literally can't.

[Yoni]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The first three bucket polls definitely can't write anything like that.

[Yoni]

And here you are in the interview portion, just absolutely, absolutely smashing. With better premises than anybody came up with before you. Other than, of course, the great Casey Rocket, who hit Terry Bradshaw right on the head multiple times.

[Jeff Scott]

You can't beat that. You can't beat that.

[Joe List]

Can I ask you a question?

[Yoni]

Absolutely.

[Joe List]

Has there ever been a proposal on Kill. Tony, stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe, Joe. There has. There has. There was one in Sydney, Australia, and between a chubby white guy and an Asian girl. And then there was one on New Year's Eve.

[Yoni]

You'll never believe it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chubby white guy and an Asian girl. Did she.

[Yoni]

She didn't prepare a minute, though, right?

[Jeff Scott]

No, she doesn't. She doesn't understand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Yoni]

And you don't want to bring her up here, do you?

[Jeff Scott]

We don't. If you want, she'll come up. She loves attention, so.

[Joe List]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow. I see why you've been dating for 13 years.

[Yoni]

Holy.

[Joe List]

I love that. You know, she loves attention, but still won't propose and give her a wedding.

[Yoni]

Is there a reason why you haven't proposed yet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're afraid to go.

[Jeff Scott]

We're not big into it. No kids, no marriage.

[Yoni]

Afraid to go to the deep end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Swimming pool builder.

[Yoni]

Sons of.

[Redban]

What about the tax break?

[Jeff Scott]

I guess. Yeah, I guess. Does it make a lot of sense?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good question, Red man. What about the tax break?

[Redban]

What's the Longest set you've ever done.

[Yoni]

Jesus Christ.

[Jeff Scott]

Like 10 minutes? 10:15.

[Redban]

I would love to have you for like do a five minute set on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the secret show Thursday.

[Jeff Scott]

Amazing.

[Eric Jordan]

Heck yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Secret show. And guess what, my friend. Six weeks in the making. The first big joke book of the night. Jeff Scott, everybody. He's Jeff Scott. Jokes on Twitter or Instagram or one of the two. Jeff Scott, famously the name of a 30 year comedy store piano player legend who passed away during the global pandemic. One of the reasons why so many people left the Comedy Store and la. He was really the guy that was a staple there. So his spirit lives on.

[Yoni]

And new comedian Jeff Scott.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for your own Jeff Scott, everybody. And now the momentum shall flow as we switch to one of our esteemed, brilliant, unbelievable regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you a phenom. You know him, you love him, he's an international superstar. Kill Tony Zone, Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm talking to a white girl right now. Obviously we in Austin, that's all we got. So I'm having a time.

[Joe List]

Good.

[Cam Patterson]

But the weird thing about it is she, she was like kind of raised in the hood a little bit. So she say nigga a lot. And I like to say nigga a lot. That's my favorite word. But she said more than me. You feel what I'm saying? And usually when a white person said nigga to my face, I would be upset. But we fucking, so she get a pass. But I really want to bring around my parents. You feel what I'm saying? I really wanted to meet my people. And I don't want her to say nigga around my dad. Cause then he gonna have to fuck her too. You feel that? That's just the law. That's how that works. That's how that works. Imagine if my granddad was there, he gotta fuck my girl too. And I want all white men to understand something. You can say nigga also. I'm not. You can also say. Would you like to say sir, if you wanted to say, all you got to do is get in the ass by a big ass black gay man. And you earned it. Also, that wasn't a great ending.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All good. I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, I did that exact same ending, little boy. It did the exact same thing. I still tried.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good. That's exactly what it's all about, going for it.

[Yoni]

You have expendable minutes. You're allowed to do whatever the you want. You're here every week. It's a not an easy job whatsoever. And you're out here doing it. You disguise that punch about your dad having to so good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't see it coming.

[Yoni]

And I knew that you had something funny coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And still you got me.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Fantastic stuff as always, Joe. You like saying the N word? What you think about his set?

[Joe List]

Yeah, no, I love it. We have the same favorite word. No, I. I'm a huge fan of. I watched him in the. The little boy the other day. He blew the room apart. I'm a fan. I don't know what else to add, man.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you, man.

[Tony]

Hilarious.

[Yoni]

You really are a goddamn sensation. Where'd you meet this white girl at?

[Cam Patterson]

She from. She from the city.

[Eric Jordan]

We.

[Cam Patterson]

We pretty cool. She's from Orlando and.

[Yoni]

Oh, from Orlando. Okay. And what does she do? What. What kind of hair does she do for a living?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cornrows or braids or.

[Yoni]

Nah, she dance.

[Cam Patterson]

She a dancer.

[Yoni]

She's a. Is she a stripper?

[Cam Patterson]

No, no, no, She's a professional dancer.

[Yoni]

On a pole?

[Cam Patterson]

Sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing time.

[Cam Patterson]

There's a pole.

[Yoni]

There are the strip clubs in Orlando, Are they fully nude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

They get ass naked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course. It's Florida. As if it's coming out of my mouth.

[Yoni]

I'm like, it's Florida.

[Cam Patterson]

What the bucket naked hand?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bucket.

[Cam Patterson]

Bucket naked. Like bucket super naked.

[Yoni]

Like, damn super naked naked?

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Wow. I can't even imagine how much more naked you could get than regular naked. I mean, what are they doing, shaving their pubes up there or something? It's crazy. I love it. Absolutely incredible. Joe, this is funny.

[Joe List]

Normally when someone says, you know what I'm saying? You almost always do. But in that instance, I actually didn't know what you were saying. I was like, I have no idea what you're saying. Buck. Did you say bucket naked?

[Cam Patterson]

Bucket naked? Like super naked?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like bucket, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, like bucket. Like bucket it naked. You get what I'm saying, right? Bald.

[Joe List]

I feel like you're adding.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you understand it? You, the bald get it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he understand. His head is bucket naked.

[D Madness]

For sure.

[Joe List]

The audience can't see, but this is handsome Ari Shafir, you look like a very attractive Ari.

[Yoni]

It really is. It's incredible. Likable. You Jewish?

[Eric Jordan]

Everyone says I am, but I'm not.

[Cam Patterson]

You got.

[Yoni]

What do you think this is, World War II, bro?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. Everyone thinks I'm Jewish, but I'm not.

[Joe List]

Not. Not even. Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. Everyone says I'm Jewish. People are like, you'?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Goddamn Jew. What are you. You went to Catholic school? Yeah. A lot of people Went to Catholic school. You Jew. Anyway, Catholic school, what does that matter?

[Jeff Scott]

Look at me.

[Cam Patterson]

I love you.

[Yoni]

A.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Look at that. A little Ash Wednesday for you. Catholic school, boy. We got a little mark on his forehead now. We gotta get Cam some hand lotion asap. Yoni, we have any Vaseline? We got a thumbs up from Yoni.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Hey, man.

[Eric Jordan]

A Casey.

[Cam Patterson]

A gift card. I'd be going to Walgreens all the time.

[Yoni]

Oh, I'm always.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm always at Walgreens stealing a whole bunch of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're looting, dude.

[Yoni]

You don't need a gift card to lose. You're just allowed to do whatever you want as long as it's not behind the plastic cases.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know how it works.

[Yoni]

I love it. So you met the stripper in Orlando or out here?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, in the city.

[Yoni]

Okay. In the city of Orlando. Yeah. I love it.

[Joe List]

When you.

[Yoni]

Was it this last time or. You knew her from before?

[Eric Jordan]

Yeah, before.

[Yoni]

Okay. You've known her a while. She have a good stripper name?

[Cam Patterson]

No, I don't know it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know her stripper name?

[Cam Patterson]

I don't like to ask about her job life.

[Yoni]

Her job life.

[Cam Patterson]

When you come home, baby, enjoy yourself. You know what I'm saying?

[Yoni]

That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You only know her by her real name.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I don't even know that. But I love her.

[Yoni]

You are? I'm in love. You are. What's your most favorite thing about her? Does she do something special in the bedroom?

[Cam Patterson]

Fat ass.

[Yoni]

Oh, love, maybe.

[Cam Patterson]

Real happy. Come on now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[Yoni]

What's your favorite thing to do with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

a woman with a fat ass?

[Yoni]

Do you like to hit it from behind or perhaps.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, put your thumb in the booty.

[Yoni]

I never did that.

[Deshawn Johnson]

You put it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he just pointed to the girl.

[Yoni]

Look at that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[Yoni]

I do believe she likes that. He get it.

[Cam Patterson]

And that nigga shoot deer. That I understand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, for sure, for sure.

[Yoni]

He get it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He puts the buck in bucket naked. You know, True hunter right here. A slayer of deer.

[Yoni]

I love it, Cam. You did it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, absolutely unbelievable.

[Yoni]

You're a fucking absolute

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

specimen of what should go on here. With appearances, energy, charisma, writing, execution One more time for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Yoni]

The best, the man, the myth. He's on tour with me all over the country right now. We're finishing it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's going to be done in May.

[Yoni]

Some fun. Few more giant theaters to go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some for your next bucket pool. His name is Roy Mendoza, everybody. Roy Or Ray Mendoza. Here we go.

[Roy Mendoza]

Go Austin, Texas. How the are we doing out here tonight, man? Y' all looking beautiful. I'm a local, by the way, just so I know. So give me a little extra love. Come on, give me a little extra love. No. By the way, Cam, me and Cam have a lot in common. He loves saying the N word a lot. I actually say the N word for my breakfast. I had my bacon and eggs, say the N word five times, and brush my teeth. That's just my natural regimen. But anyways, on a serious note, guys, I just came out of a. Of a very long term relationship. So, you know, it's been tough. My ex was actually my nephew's ex, so obviously y' all can see I'm Hispanic if y' all haven't seen the mustache yet. But I have, I guess some. Some trailer trash genetics somewhere along the way. So it's been difficult, you know, because I almost became a great uncle to myself. So it's been, it's been interesting. It's been interesting. But yeah, man, this is beautiful. This is, you know, seeing Joe list people like this out here, you know, it's inspiring. Trying to do. Trying to do my thing out here, you know, I'm trying to get some Louis CK money out here. All right, thank you, guys. That's my time.

[Yoni]

What the. Man?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is going on? Is it Ray or Roy?

[Roy Mendoza]

Roy, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh.

[Roy Mendoza]

Roy.

[Yoni]

Okay, yeah. So how long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[Roy Mendoza]

I have been attempting. Attempting to stand up. This is my second open mic. My first time I did an open mic was at the original Cap City back in like 2018.

[Yoni]

So what made you come back here tonight? What made you have this grand return?

[Roy Mendoza]

Comparing yourself, being a huge fan and nutting up? Because I'm. I'm a local from here and I said, you know what? Y' all been here for so long, I need a nut up, come out here and at least do it, you know, get that out of my system.

[Yoni]

And how do you think it went?

[Roy Mendoza]

Not great. I felt like it went better at Cap City. There was like 14 people and I made like two of them laugh, so it felt a little bit better.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Roy Mendoza]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Yoni]

That ratio is a lot better than what you did here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Joe List]

So much to say. I mean, it seems like maybe you're a fan of mine, so I thought you were fantastic.

[Yoni]

Awesome.

[Roy Mendoza]

Everybody go see fourth of July. It's a great movie.

[Joe List]

This is the best comedian on the show.

[Roy Mendoza]

He knows what he's doing, if he needs extras and Mexicans maybe.

[Yoni]

You know. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut up, Mendoza. No, I shout out Mendozas.

[Joe List]

At first. I, you came out like a con. You like, you look like a guy that does a lot of comedy, but there was a lot of wasted time demo, I think.

[Yoni]

Yep. And it's, it's. Yeah, yeah.

[Joe List]

But you look like a comet. Like, you look, you're standing and glasses.

[Roy Mendoza]

The, the, Yeah, I got a generic Mexican ass vibe looking, so I can totally pass for Frank Castillo. A lot of other Mexicans out there that are doing the same thing, so.

[Joe List]

Yeah, yeah, no, you just showed the jokes.

[Yoni]

They're doing jokes. Yeah, that's the thing you're missing. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trying to make that Louis CK money with zero punch lines whatsoever. I hear you.

[Yoni]

So before I let you go, tell us something interesting about your life. You good at something? You ever do anything?

[Roy Mendoza]

Yeah, man. So I, I was trying to refrain from saying this, but I've been a drummer since I was a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been really. Since you were a kid? How old are you?

[Roy Mendoza]

But how old am I? Yeah, I am 32.

[Yoni]

32.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how old were you when you

[Yoni]

started playing the drums?

[Roy Mendoza]

I was three years old.

[Yoni]

Okay. You're God awful. A comedy. If you lose this, will you never do Stan up again?

[Roy Mendoza]

The, the drum off?

[Yoni]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just needed special retirement version. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Mexican drum off. Hold on, hold on.

[Yoni]

Wait.

[Roy Mendoza]

No, no, no. I, I, I'll definitely do a drum off, but I think it'd be a lot better if we could perform some type of song like Z.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you don't make the rules.

[Roy Mendoza]

All right, let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're insane.

[Roy Mendoza]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it Ray or, or Roy?

[Roy Mendoza]

Roy.

[Yoni]

Roy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Roy, you know how this works. You're gonna do a drum solo, you're

[Yoni]

gonna keep it a little around 30 seconds or so or less.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And. And then Michael Gonzalez goes. If you win this drum off, you're

[Yoni]

the brand new drummer on Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which means you're unfunny, unlikable ass will

[Yoni]

be here every single week performing on this show. You will take Michael Gonzalez's job. One of the most professional, absolute legendary drummers in the history of the show and in all of Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he will have to become a.

[Yoni]

What do you do for a living?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's gonna have to be an insurance agent. It's a switch. For those of you that don't know. If he loses, Michael becomes an insurance agent and Roy Mendoza becomes the new drummer on kil. Tony here with a drum solo. This is a Mexican drum off. This is Roy Mendoza,

[D Madness]

Sam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Roy Mendoza with an attempt, an absolute attempt, and here to defend his throne. Undefeated all time in Mexican dramas, this is indeed Kill Tony's very own Michael Gonzalez. Here he is repping the ladies soccer team of Austin, Texas, and clearly representing a little bit of Genghis Khan on his head. Everyone, this is Michael Gonzalez with a drum solo.

[William Montgomery]

Michael.

[Yoni]

Michael Gonzalez.

[D Madness]

Sam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Oh, boy. I think we're having a little retirement party here tonight, everyone. How many of you have Roy Mendoza winning that? Oh, Rick Diaz, like response there. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? People on the Internet, believe it or not. Well, I swear to God, there are people that will say the Roy Mendoza won that. It's very funny. I swear to God. This was facing me backwards.

[Yoni]

The backside of this little joke book

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

with a hanging little man on a noose. It says no bueno on the back

[Yoni]

of this little joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'm giving you this as a retirement present.

[Yoni]

You understand? You're no longer allowed to do stand up comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you understand? Deal. You want to share?

[Yoni]

Shake on it. You're retired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Roy Mendoza, everybody. There he goes. Holy. The first ever retirement edition of a Mexican drum off. We having fun tonight? Anything can happen. Let's keep it moving. Your next bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Desean Johnson, everybody.

[Yoni]

1, 2, 3, 4am Music.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I don't have any jokes. I just came here to scare white people.

[D Madness]

Raar.

[Deshawn Johnson]

What's going on? It's Black History Month and I can't celebrate it. Cause I'm not a real nigga. As you can tell by the size of my pants. Some bitch outside said I was the first nigga she ever seen with a thigh gap. That fucking bugged me. I can't celebrate Black History Month cause I'm also a nigga that went through an emojis phase. You know that shit. My mom's a cunt and my dad haze. No. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, yeah. I don't have any jokes. I just came here to find a white girl with a fat ass and a good credit score. I'm trying to make waffle colored niggas. Is any. Can we make waffle colored niggas, please? Yeah, I'm trying to fuck my way into a cottage. Does that one have a cool cottage? Do you have a cottage, sir? All right, fair enough. Does that mean a nigga's done? What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fantastic. It does mean that a man is done.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Deshawn, I gotta tell You. That was absolutely fantastic. The best bucket pull of the night.

[Yoni]

Not from the inside. That was great. I love it. You disguise your punchlines by saying you don't have jokes, and then you do a joke. Exactly. Most of the bucket polls tonight didn't have jokes. Didn't say that they didn't have jokes, and just didn't have jokes. You did something totally different outside of the box. Black History Month is booming. I can't tell where the black leather stops and your neck begins. Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are quite the. You are a beacon of Black History Month. Truly. I can't think of a better representative than you.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah, yeah. You feel comfy up here, obviously, right?

[Yoni]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm right at home. Yeah, man.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm from Canada. That's probably why.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'm really not a real nigga.

[Yoni]

So you're comfortable, too. I was born in. Raised in an all black neighborhood. And you are from Canada. So who would have guessed?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly, exactly, exactly Would have guessed.

[Yoni]

What part of Canada are you from?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'm from Toronto, Canada.

[Yoni]

I loved that. Toronto, Canada. The rare black Toronto, man. I love it. I love it. What was it like growing up in Toronto?

[Deshawn Johnson]

It was difficult.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Deshawn Johnson]

A lot of people, such as yourselves, you know, called me since.

[Yoni]

Really? They do that in Canada?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Since I was a child.

[Yoni]

They apologize immediately after.

[Deshawn Johnson]

No, I mean, I was outnumbered too, Right. So there's not much I can do.

[Yoni]

Right.

[Deshawn Johnson]

So. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Yoni]

Okay. Tell us more about your life. What do you do for. How old are you?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'm 28.

[Yoni]

Wow, 28. Okay. Beautiful. And what do you do for work?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'm a scammer. I scam white people for a living. I'm a retired scammer, so everything's fine. You're fine.

[Yoni]

How do you do it? What's your scam? Tell us about it.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Come on.

[Yoni]

Come on. This is a fun show.

[Deshawn Johnson]

What kind of. What kind of watch you got on?

[Yoni]

This is a good interview.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't scam me out of my role. I don't see. That's impossible.

[Yoni]

Wait, where'd it go? Holy.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'm tricky. I'm tricky.

[Yoni]

Okay, so what was the scam that you were doing? I'm curious.

[Deshawn Johnson]

The thing is, I'm really a scammer, so I can't really talk much about it.

[Yoni]

Really?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Can you tell us about a scam that you used to do that you don't do anymore? Come on, give me something here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These interviews are tough tonight.

[Yoni]

God, these people are making me work for it.

[Casey Rocket]

Okay.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I Used to have a lot of American bills. Like, in Canada, they can't verify American bills. So I used to tell. I actually got arrested for this. To be honest.

[Yoni]

There's no double jeopardy there.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah. So I get a lot of counterfeit bills. I buy, like, fucking lot of leather shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I believe that you are rocking the

[Yoni]

leather pants, the leather jacket.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah, Yeah, I did get arrested for it.

[Yoni]

How did they catch you?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I was driving. I was driving one day and, you know, I just got pulled over and they're like, deshawn, you've been wanted since October. It was like, I've been wanted for two years. And then they just arrested me and sat in a holding cell and ate crackers and, you know. Holding cell? Yeah. Canadian police are nice. I never had any bad runners with the police or anything.

[Yoni]

Yeah, Canadian police famously nice apologies.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I once shot a. In the head with a BB gun and that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See, that's the difference between Canada and America right there. Yeah, the difference is the word BB before the gun.

[Deshawn Johnson]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The only difference, it was the same up there.

[Deshawn Johnson]

It wasn't a BB gun. It was like, you know that. You know the guns they used to, like, put down inmates? So it's like a real gun. Oh, it was like a Sig Sawyer issued gun with like a metal pellet. And then I shot. Well, this guy was beating on my aunt, and then I. And then I shot. Shot him. Then I shot him in the head. And. And then the police came and I told him that I had a BB gun and he told me to hide it.

[Yoni]

The police officer told you to hide it?

[Deshawn Johnson]

The police told me to hide.

[Yoni]

Is he white or black?

[Deshawn Johnson]

He was white. He was white.

[Yoni]

Unbelievable. Look at that. Because he knew that that guy was a perp. What? He was a perp. He was a perpetrator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was a bad guy.

[Deshawn Johnson]

The.

[Joe List]

The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[Deshawn Johnson]

That beat on my aunt or. Who was the perpetrator?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

That's bad. Yes.

[Deshawn Johnson]

No, no, no. He was not a perpetrator at the time. He was bleeding and everything, so it was like. It was pretty. Yeah, Yeah, I was the per. But I was the perp, Tony. And yeah, I. I just. Police. And police in Canada suck. That's. That's my point.

[Yoni]

The per, I do believe, is the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

name of the criminal in this instance,

[Yoni]

Perp is also the name of your favorite drink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think we're getting it all confused here.

[Yoni]

This is tricky.

[Deshawn Johnson]

This is tricky. Okay.

[Yoni]

I am tricky.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Yoni]

Tell us more about you. You're so likable. Very, very funny. How long you been doing stand up?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Five months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five months.

[Yoni]

That's it. Incredible. Very, very good.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Thank you.

[Yoni]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long are you in Austin for?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I just got here today.

[Yoni]

Okay, you got it.

[Deshawn Johnson]

So white.

[Redban]

White.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Oh, you got a girl with you? All right. You gotta. You got a. With you. So I'll get good. It's not good.

[Yoni]

Exactly. He puts his thumb in her butt sometimes.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Hey. Hey.

[Yoni]

Hell yeah. So how long you plan?

[Deshawn Johnson]

As long as I can. As long as I can.

[Yoni]

Okay. And you doing any scams while you're here?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Hopefully not. Hopefully I can get some sets. Hopefully I could, you know, actually do real work.

[Yoni]

Right.

[Deshawn Johnson]

And. And get better as a comic.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Deshawn Johnson]

And throw that life away, man. I want to.

[Jeff Scott]

I don't.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I don't need anything else. I have everything. I have all the fucking.

[Yoni]

You've been doing this for five months and you love it. You think?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I love this, bro. This is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Like, this changed my life. It's really.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You seem like you're going to be doing this absolutely forever.

[Yoni]

Incredible. Joe List.

[Joe List]

I mean, I thought it was hilarious. For the first 30 seconds, I thought you were a bucket naked. I really did. I was like,

[Deshawn Johnson]

listen, I respect you and all, Joe, but I. When I'm tapped into the streets, I will. I will hire a. To stick a pipe in your ass. Dog, relax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He eats crackers like you in his jail cell.

[Joe List]

Is that offensive? I'm just saying. I. I thought you were nude. That's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone's not leaving with the watch. They came in with facts.

[Deshawn Johnson]

What kind of watch you got on?

[Joe List]

Holy. I don't have a watch. I'm not a watch guy. You can have my wedding ring. I don't want it anymore. Anyway. No, it was hilarious. I loved it. I think you're great.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Thank you, bro.

[Joe List]

Beat me up.

[Cam Patterson]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He loves you. He's a big fan. He loves you so much.

[Yoni]

He's been smoking your thumb since he got up here.

[D Madness]

Oh.

[Joe List]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Okay, Johnson, what do your black parents

[Yoni]

do up in Toronto? How did they end up up, up there?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Jamaican.

[Nico Casablancas]

Uhhuh.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'm Jamaican.

[Yoni]

Did they go through America? Like, how does that happen? They.

[Deshawn Johnson]

No, man. They just landed in Canada.

[Yoni]

How do you land in Toronto? You go down the river and up as a Jamaican.

[Deshawn Johnson]

You find a. You find a. And then you marry her. And then you're just there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe List]

That's how my parents did it.

[Nico Casablancas]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

That's a whole different life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

What's your love life like? You're a good looking, very charismatic.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I've Been. I've been fucking chast. I've been fucked over, man.

[Yoni]

Tell us about it, please. This sounds great.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I have an ex and she's a bitch.

[Yoni]

Why is she a bitch? What did she do to you?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'll tell you this, her favorite song was that icon of pop song, I

[D Madness]

don't care, I love it.

[Deshawn Johnson]

And that, that shit is like. That shit is like the national anthem for I fuck niggas, but I'm too afraid to tell my dad. You get. I was trying to fuck my way into a white dad for years. Cause they have time for their kids and shit and boats. Last time I seen my dad, last time I talked to him, he said he was five minutes away. And that was 30 years ago.

[Yoni]

Wow, you are very, very funny. How did your relationship end? Did she break up with you? You broke up break up with her?

[Deshawn Johnson]

She a named Chuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Megan.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Megan can see this you, sir?

[D Madness]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you know what? I'm just gonna say it because I'm with you. You Chuck?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a.

[Yoni]

And he did this at her place or you guys did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys.

[Yoni]

Were you guys living together at the time? No, he accidentally put on some leather pants afterwards.

[Deshawn Johnson]

We weren't living together. It was.

[Yoni]

How'd you find out about it?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I went through. I went through her phone. I went through the bishop's phone. Yeah, I don't give a. I almost

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

did a spit take and then I

[Yoni]

got control of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you called me the N word and I almost did another spit take. Yeah, you almost got me twice with that mouthful.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Went through her phone. It was crazy. I mean, what did you see?

[Yoni]

What did you see?

[Deshawn Johnson]

I saw that she saw.

[Yoni]

You said. She just said Chuck.

[Deshawn Johnson]

No, it was because I had. Oh my God. Do we have to do this right fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the shit. This is. I swear to God.

[Yoni]

You haven't been here, but this is

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the best fucking interview of the night right now. Everybody else was scared. They didn't want to be honest. They gave me nothing to work with. This is the hardest hosting job in the world. What I do in front of a

[Yoni]

bunch of fucking strangers. And you're making it fun and easy.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I appreciate that, nigga.

[Yoni]

Now tell me what happened. Absolutely. It is black history month.

[Deshawn Johnson]

So I with white girls because they got non threatening farts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we go there, I know you're

[Yoni]

trying to change the subject here, but I want to.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I want to go back, eat trail, mixing grass.

[Yoni]

That's true, that's true.

[Deshawn Johnson]

All right.

[Yoni]

You Know what? You know what? Favorite kind of ground meat. They love Chuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so some chuck.

[Yoni]

Beef. Wants Chuck.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Now you, now you on a side.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I'm like, what's up, Chuck?

[Yoni]

Okay, so you see Chuck in the phone and then what happens? What do you do? You confront her right away. Is she asleep at the time? Is she in the shower? How'd you get the. How'd you get. Phone.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah, all I can remember because I was just so enraged. She had a robe on. And I just remember a roll bar. She had a robe on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A robe on, right, Absolutely.

[Deshawn Johnson]

All I could remember.

[Yoni]

Yeah, she had a robe on.

[Deshawn Johnson]

All I could remember, we had just. Oh, this was. Oh, you know what? Okay, I'm remembering now.

[Yoni]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow, this is a traumatizing moment. You're having Vietnam flashback right now.

[Yoni]

It

[D Madness]

come back, is that.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Don't do that. Don't do that. Okay, let me tell you the story. Yeah, so I'm there, I went through a phone, I went through a laptop. I went through a laptop, right? And then I seen. Oh, come over and. At like a specific time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right.

[Deshawn Johnson]

And previously she had told me she had just kissed Chuck, you know, And. And I just kind of let it.

[Yoni]

Right?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Because yeah, at this point in time, dude, I was sad. I was traveling all the way back and forth. I was. It was a long distance relationship.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Deshawn Johnson]

So I was traveling all the way back, Montreal. She was in this. This shitty town called Brantford, Ontario.

[Yoni]

Yeah, go ahead.

[Deshawn Johnson]

So I had went through her iPad while she was in class because it was university at the time. And then.

[Yoni]

What kind of a hair does she do?

[Daisy Hart]

Huh?

[Yoni]

She was a cosmetic school.

[Deshawn Johnson]

She's white. She's a teacher now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, oh, I forgot she was white. That makes sense.

[Yoni]

A good old teacher.

[Deshawn Johnson]

She's. She's a teacher now.

[Yoni]

A teacher of things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead.

[Yoni]

You are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing good.

[Yoni]

I'm making callbacks to things from earlier

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you don't know about.

[Yoni]

It's okay, just trust me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like you.

[Yoni]

I got you.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Okay, okay, okay. Okay. So I had my car, nigga. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, go ahead. I was going back to her with the road, but now you're going to a car.

[Yoni]

You got your car.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I have my car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Deshawn Johnson]

And she's like, oh, could you pick me up from fucking. From, from class?

[Yoni]

Yeah, you're swerving all around the road. Yeah, go ahead.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I pick her up and like, I know that she had fucked Chuck. And I'm just there driving. I'm like, oh, yeah, everything's fine. Like, I'm I'm like, really? I'm. I'm psychotic. So, yeah, I'm psychotic. So I'm just driving. I'm acting like everything's normal. We get back to the house, and I say, you know, I'm. This one last time. Oh, because her one last time. That's why she had the robe on, right?

[Yoni]

You her one last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We.

[Deshawn Johnson]

One last time. I get my leather jacket on. Yeah, I put my leather jacket on. I get up, and then I head for the door. She's like, where are you going? I said, no, I'm gone. And then I went to the car, and she ran outside in her robe. I could remember this vividly. It is very traumatic, but I'm telling you, because I'm on Kill Tony. And then I'm. Okay, cool.

[Yoni]

Very smart. You are the devil.

[Deshawn Johnson]

You let me sell my soul on this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're killing it, bro.

[Deshawn Johnson]

That's.

[Yoni]

You heard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness. D. Madness said trust. He's at absolutely spot on there. He knows how.

[Yoni]

He doesn't need to see me to know how good I am at this. He can feel it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's an energy.

[Yoni]

D Madness day, by the way, is Valentine's Day. This Wednesday, he's playing at The Skylark Lounge, 6 to 8. Go ahead.

[Deshawn Johnson]

This is sad. I mean, that's not the first vicious horn I went through. I also.

[Cam Patterson]

Hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on a second. Finish the story.

[Yoni]

She comes out in the room, robe, and then you say what?

[D Madness]

You.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I'm gone.

[Yoni]

You didn't tell her why?

[Deshawn Johnson]

No, she figured out after, but I didn't tell her. I went and drove all the way back home afterwards. Yeah, we still talk to this day.

[Yoni]

I know you, Chuck. And she's like, you know, I don't care. I love it.

[D Madness]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. It was all set up for that.

[Cam Patterson]

The devil.

[Casey Rocket]

You're the devil.

[Yoni]

I was just trying to get there the whole time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you react to my jokes how black people react to magic tricks.

[Yoni]

Like, you're the devil.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's got demon powers. How did he get to that joke?

[Yoni]

How the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'd run away right now if you knew which direction.

[Deshawn Johnson]

If I wasn't on Kill Tony, I would have ran out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yes, I would.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah. I also went through another phone.

[Yoni]

Yeah, I'm gonna talk to you all night.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I drove.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I drove.

[Deshawn Johnson]

We went all the way to Mexico. It was her birthday, right?

[Yoni]

What. What is right, white lady? So you went to Mexico?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Went to Mexico. Everything was fine. Everything was great. You know, I'm. I'm. That so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, so me too. That's how I feel on the inside.

[Deshawn Johnson]

I feel the energy.

[Yoni]

You do.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Kind of feel you. Niggly not, but not full. Not full, but I feel you.

[Yoni]

Y. I feel you. Yep. I got two black. Black organs. My heart. No, nothing, Nothing, nothing.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Mexico. Yeah, right. Fucking. We're in Mexico. Having a great time, going zip lining, doing all these white activities. I've never done, like swimming and shit. So we're fucking. We're fucking in Mexico. I go through the bitch's phone. You know who she's texting? This is a great time. No, not Usher. Chuck.

[D Madness]

No, man.

[Deshawn Johnson]

She is texting the most randomest person. She's texting Marlon, Wayne's son.

[Yoni]

Oh, my God.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Sean Wayne. And this. This.

[Yoni]

This is a little.

[Deshawn Johnson]

He's like 17.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Deshawn Johnson]

And she's. You know what she said to him? He's like, what are you doing?

[Yoni]

She's.

[Deshawn Johnson]

He's like, what are you doing in Mexico? And she's like, oh, I'm on a girls trip.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Joe List]

You.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Natalie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Yoni]

She's like, I'm on a girls trip. Look at all these leather pants. I swear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Desean Johnson.

[Yoni]

Anything for Deshawn. Are you crazy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the booking you should be doing.

[Redban]

No, no, I'm just saying, because of ExpressVPN, I will allow you to come to the club if you can do a five minute set Thursday.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Thousand percent. I'm here.

[Nico Casablancas]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five minutes. You're booked. And the double gun. Bonsai big joke book. Welcome to the family, Deshawn Johnson. Everybod. The shit is going down. Now we're gonna get back to this. Believe it or not, DeSean, who's from Toronto, Canada, and just by complete coincidence on my lineup, there happens to be a golden ticket winner here tonight from Toronto, Canada, an absolute legend of the game. You know him from this show and of course from America's got Talent. This is the great and powerful the return of Aaron Belial, everybody. I love it. I don't care.

[D Madness]

Hey,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, make some noise. One more time for Aaron. Lights out, Belial live here on Kill.

[Yoni]

Tony.

[Aaron Belial]

One of my first jokes was comparing myself with Stephen Hawking. But in light of the recent controversy, I want to clarify. I don't like children. The closest I've ever been to Epstein island was Chuck E. Cheese. I was just trying to steal pizza and one kid came up to me and he's like, this animatronic thing is broken. You kid. This is why I don't like you guys. I could never Keep up with all the kids running around. Hawking must have had Turbo on his chair. From now on I'm just going to compare myself to someone less problematic. Like Helen Keller. At least until we find out something like just cause she couldn't see, hear or speak didn't mean she wasn't a hansy bitch. Excuse me, Ms. Keller. My balls aren't Braille.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Right down the barrel. His own position, his own perspective. Material that only he can do.

[Yoni]

Another absolutely fantastic set. Aaron, how we feeling tonight? How's it going? What's shaking? Other than your left hand. Oh, oh. Oh my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. What is happening?

[D Madness]

That's gross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Yoni]

Oh, that thing.

[Aaron Belial]

So this week is actually my one year Kill Tony anniversary. I want to try something different here. Can I be real for a sec?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[Yoni]

Repeat that again. You don't have to type it all the way out, do you? Oh, you do.

[Aaron Belial]

I want to be real for a second sec.

[Yoni]

Yeah.

[Aaron Belial]

Growing up in my situation was really shitty. I wanted to be understood and nobody wanted to listen. And it made me depressed for 25 years. Then I started therapy and comedy and got on Kill Tony. And now I'm making a living having fun. People care what I have to say. And it's partly because I work 80 hours a week. Like I have eight arms. But it all started here. You're always doing what you can to help and I really appreciate that, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Don't touch me. Ever. For the rest of the history of the show.

[Yoni]

Don't touch me. Wow. Thank you, Aaron. That's very, very sweet of you. I mean, absolutely unbelievable. The type of love that I feel from you I really can only describe. And by typing it through a phone and having a robot voice speaking back to you,

[Aaron Belial]

I'm speaking the language of comedy, which turns out to be my real voice from a guy who has always wanted to be heard. Thank you. You're like the Jesus of the special needs community. Please don't die. If you die, we are all fucked.

[Yoni]

It is true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Except I actually exist, unlike Jesus. But I do.

[Yoni]

I text with you quite often. You are one of the nicest human beings. A true Canadian. Not like that last guy that was here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you.

[Yoni]

Have you ever seen him do stand up? Deshawn Johnson, he's from Toronto. Funny guy. You don't remember him? The one black guy in Toronto. You were too busy crossing the other side of the street when you saw him.

[Aaron Belial]

They're all black dude.

[Yoni]

Yeah, he's like Deshawn's like, there's no way I can get the watch off

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this guy's left wrist. I don't know what's going on here.

[Redban]

Lock down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is more crooked than Hillary Clinton. I don't know what's going on on there.

[Yoni]

Is that thing reaching? Is that. Is that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it. Is it stay the same?

[Yoni]

Has it always been at that angle? It's kind of going backwards. It's getting tighter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

It seems like you're trying to grab

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

your own wrist right now.

[Yoni]

It's some type of jiu jitsu or something like that. It is absolutely incredible. The clock is about to strike 3:30 here on your left hand. Here he goes. He got my 3:30, 30 joke. That's what that was a little Canadian. There's a. There's a transaction. Currency exchange.

[Aaron Belial]

Can you get me a gift card for stem cells?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We might be able to actually do something.

[Yoni]

We are friends with the great Brigham over at ways too. Well, which actually famously injects stem cells into people and heals them rapidly and does miraculous stuff. The reason why Aaron Rod Rogers was ready for the playoffs had the jets not completely blown it is because of Austin's own ways to. Well, I would be interested to see what would happen if we injected your

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

wrist with stem cells. It seems like it couldn't hurt.

[Yoni]

That's for sure. I'm pretty sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm pretty sure it's not gonna get any worse.

[Yoni]

Is that something you'd actually want to do? Yeah. Okay, let's try it. That'll be a fun, fun episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just keep some Narcan on deck and

[Redban]

do a GIF animation.

[William Montgomery]

Like.

[D Madness]

Hey.

[Yoni]

Holy the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on.

[Yoni]

Deshawn Johnson's inside is to get back

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

to his seat real quick. Look at this white guy.

[Yoni]

Oh, boy. It's a long walk, Aaron.

[Aaron Belial]

How can it get any worse? Fall off and stop getting caught on.

[Yoni]

That is true. Anything else crazy going on? Anything you want to promote or plug or anything like that?

[Aaron Belial]

I got jumped on 6th street on New Year, so I bought a taser cane online. I'm so excited to electrocute someone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Yoni]

You have a taser cane. That's a thing? So you're actually going to try to fight somebody back?

[Aaron Belial]

Next time someone tries to jump me, I'm going to taser them on one side until they look like me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Aaron Belial]

Pretty soon, all of 6th street is gonna look like a scene from a zombie movie.

[Yoni]

Everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. D loves it.

[Yoni]

Aaron, you're a freak. What else?

[Aaron Belial]

On the way here, a crackhead comes up to me. And this is not a joke. He says, oh, my God. Do you have the polio? No, but I have the thunder.

[Yoni]

What?

[Redban]

I don't get that one.

[Yoni]

Me neither. I don't. Oh, the electric cane. Okay, do you have polio?

[Joe List]

Well, I thought I was addicted to my phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want the electric chain now.

[Yoni]

All right, D. Madness is out of control.

[Aaron Belial]

Okay, I'm pretty sure I saw Joe List Action bar play. I'm pretty sure I saw Joe List naked at the Chuck E. Cheese. Naked in the ball pit.

[Yoni]

Oh, you son of a. Is this true, Joe? He's ratting you out over here.

[Joe List]

One time.

[Yoni]

Okay, Aaron, if they found a way

[Aaron Belial]

to combine me and Joe, we might make one full person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Yoni]

Anything else, Aaron? You're killing. You're fantastic.

[Aaron Belial]

You look like Caillou if he recovered from brain cancer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You're just roasting. Joe. How dare you? Yeah, I put you out in front

[Yoni]

of these great comedians and you just come out and burp bridges that you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

can barely walk across

[Yoni]

in. Absolutely incredible.

[Aaron Belial]

He started it.

[Yoni]

Look, anytime you make fun of somebody, just remember there's five fingers pointing back at you. Anything else, Aaron? For the love of.

[Aaron Belial]

I'm sorry. Do you want a hug?

[Joe List]

Sure. Is this a trick?

[Yoni]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Absolutely.

[Yoni]

Absolutely adorable. Aaron Belial. Here we go. You going to plug something or promote something this weekend?

[Aaron Belial]

I'm going to be in Halifax, then I'm going to the Ohio area. March 21, I'm at WISE guys in Vegas and then Wichita. Come out and get your tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

[e-mail] Mutecomedian.com no doubt about it. Go see him support these gangsters that we have. Reigning, defending golden ticket winner, one of the few, the proud, an absolute lightning cane of jokes.

[Yoni]

One more time for the great Aaron Belial, everybody. We are. We started a little late.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Daisy Hart, everybody. Daisy Hart.

[Daisy Hart]

Hi, everybody. I'm Daisy, the world's worst Asian. I'm allergic to shellfish, so no Susie Daisy for me. I also delivered my first baby at 18. I'm Asian. I already ruined that one. I was gonna say I'm not actually a Mexican since I delivered at 18. It was an emergency delivery for one of my friends. And I made the horrible life decision of becoming a nurse that night because I delivered a super premium baby. And, you know, 10 years later, lots of trauma later, I learned through therapy that, you know, I can try to make a joke about my life and hope that it comes out funny. But looking at your face, it's not coming out funny tonight. But also I had some one liners, like guys that do yoga. Are you guys able to suck your own dicks? Because I'd really love to learn how to do that so I can increase my hyper. My hyper independence, as my Uber driver told me it's called. But my doctor says it's really just a control freak issue. So that's why I like to do things where I'm in control, like making boys into sissies. So there we go.

[Yoni]

Okay, Daisy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Art. Welcome, welcome.

[Yoni]

I love it. Treating this like a true therapy session up here.

[Daisy Hart]

You know, free therapy for the week. I had to skip last week.

[Yoni]

Okay. Hi, Daisy. How long you been doing standup?

[Daisy Hart]

I actually have only done, like a burlesque comedy, like, sexy story thing at Poor Choices one time, like last year.

[Yoni]

Okay, what made you want to come here where there's millions of viewers with no real practice?

[Daisy Hart]

Well, I did actually practice and, like, totally forgot everything whenever I got out here, which is just kind of like my little sixth grade talent show where we came out with no microphones and tried to sing. So it's like reliving that trauma all over again. But no, that's totally fine.

[Yoni]

Okay. A lot of trauma. You big. You have big crazy eyes, Daisy, tell us more about you.

[Daisy Hart]

I have very big eyes for Asian, you know?

[Yoni]

Are you really Asian? Are you sure?

[Daisy Hart]

I'm a first generation American.

[Yoni]

What kind of Asian are you?

[Daisy Hart]

Filipino. So the Mexican of Asian.

[Yoni]

How Filipino are you?

[Joe List]

Half.

[Yoni]

And what's the other half?

[Daisy Hart]

Portuguese, which I hear is the cause of slavery. So I learned that this year.

[Yoni]

A lot of sad, fun facts.

[Daisy Hart]

Sorry. Yeah.

[Yoni]

Jo List, what do you think about. About Daisy here?

[Joe List]

Well, she forgot her act and I wish I could also.

[Daisy Hart]

I apologize. I really hope that it would be better, but I came with a friend for both of our first times and didn't think that both of us would get on here. Like, I thought once he got on, like, I was like, in the.

[Yoni]

Your friend also got on?

[Daisy Hart]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Who was your friend?

[Daisy Hart]

Roy Mendoza.

[Yoni]

Oh, jeez.

[Daisy Hart]

Was that bad? I told him to practice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'll tell you, you did exactly as good as he did.

[Daisy Hart]

Oh, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he tell you?

[Yoni]

Did you guys get to talk in between this?

[Daisy Hart]

No.

[Yoni]

Oh, you don't know? He's retired for life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I literally retired.

[Yoni]

He. We retired.

[Daisy Hart]

He's the drummer at church forever for him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what he was?

[Yoni]

That's how you know him?

[Daisy Hart]

No, not through church. I know him through, like a. Insurance sales Job, which is even worse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. It's all real.

[Yoni]

This is. Is incredible.

[Daisy Hart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a. This is the story of an evening.

[Yoni]

200 people sign up, and you two

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

get pulled out of this goddamn.

[Daisy Hart]

I know. I really thought I had, like, other jokes saved up, but.

[Yoni]

Do you have other jokes? Are you remembering them now?

[Daisy Hart]

Not now that I'm looking at your face. No, my face is. I mean, a lot of my jokes are, like, about turning boys into sissies.

[Yoni]

And why. Why do you do that? That in real life?

[Daisy Hart]

I mean, I really want to, like.

[Yoni]

Let's talk about your real life.

[Daisy Hart]

My real life. So I, like, tend to turn boys into that point where they question their sexuality.

[Yoni]

You know, I could kind of see why.

[Daisy Hart]

Yeah. I mean, I'm a little bit masculine for being a girl.

[Yoni]

What's masculine about you?

[Daisy Hart]

I don't. Just my vibe, maybe. Hopefully.

[Yoni]

Maybe. Hopefully. You think so?

[Daisy Hart]

I'm super confident about that, as you can tell. Yeah.

[Yoni]

Where do you live?

[Daisy Hart]

Here in Austin.

[Yoni]

And you think you're masculine?

[Daisy Hart]

I mean, for a girl? Like, I'm not as girly as girly girls. I'm not good at girls stuff.

[Yoni]

That's what every girl says.

[Daisy Hart]

I mean, some girls say that some girls are good at it. You know, they can contour and, like, make themselves look like a completely different person. But I at least, like, look the same when I take my makeup off.

[Yoni]

So when you take your makeup off. Okay. You look the same?

[Daisy Hart]

Pretty much the same.

[Yoni]

What do you look like with. Without glasses?

[Daisy Hart]

Like this.

[Yoni]

Okay. All right.

[Daisy Hart]

Like, I can see less? A little bit.

[Yoni]

Okay. Yeah, you definitely don't look.

[Daisy Hart]

You look better. No, I'm just kidding. You look great.

[Yoni]

That was a good one.

[Daisy Hart]

You look very.

[Yoni]

Almost got a laugh there. You got a O. But it was close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At least it was some kind of a reaction a little bit.

[Yoni]

That's good. You're getting closer to being compelling, Daisy. So you're allergic to shellfish? You had to help a chick have a baby when you were 18?

[Daisy Hart]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Okay.

[Daisy Hart]

I didn't mean to say, like, I delivered it with a clothes hanger, but.

[Yoni]

And you want to learn how to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

suck your own dick?

[Daisy Hart]

I mean, if I had a dick, I would definitely want to learn how to suck it. I feel like it'd be very efficient that way.

[Redban]

Seems like you want one.

[Daisy Hart]

I do. I actually, I've tried a few on, you know, with the strap on sets, you get to pick your own.

[Yoni]

So you've been with a woman before?

[Deshawn Johnson]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

You enjoy that more than being with a man?

[Daisy Hart]

I'm 50. 50.

[Nico Casablancas]

I'm.

[Daisy Hart]

I'm very in the unicorn land of people.

[Yoni]

Old, are you?

[Daisy Hart]

How old do I look?

[Yoni]

40.

[Daisy Hart]

40. I always tell people I'm 40. Do I really look 40? Yeah, it's both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your eyes.

[Redban]

It's your eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've seen a lot with those eyes.

[Daisy Hart]

I have seen a lot. I was. I was forced into like childhood nursing slavery at like 5. So.

[Yoni]

What do you mean by that? Is that true?

[Daisy Hart]

Yeah, my parents had a care home, so like, I worked with old people like the whole beginning of my life. And then I've been a nurse the whole rest of my life. Life since then. So.

[Joe List]

I'm tired. Yeah.

[Daisy Hart]

Yeah, I'm tired too. Like, I could take an eternal sleep.

[Yoni]

Whatever trauma that you've suffered is like airborne.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You carry it with you. It's contagious.

[Daisy Hart]

I was really hoping that I had to, like, healed enough to come out and make it funny and then, like, you know, have a good time with it.

[Yoni]

You ruined. You're having a good time.

[Redban]

She ruined my Asian fetish. Like, I. I'm not.

[Daisy Hart]

I mean, it's a good thing you're getting married, though. You found one. So you tricked her into it.

[Yoni]

Look, she knows her stuff. You are right. You tricked her into it.

[Redban]

All that money.

[Yoni]

Daisy, anything interesting about your life before we let you go?

[Daisy Hart]

I've done a lot of awake liposuction and tummy tucks, so that's really fun.

[Yoni]

What do you mean you've done that?

[Daisy Hart]

I worked for a company that does. You know, I've worked in. Worked in surgery before as a nurse, so. But I didn't realize when I did my interview that our company does the.

[Yoni]

Isn't it weird when you're doing surgery and you, you're the one in the corner that just keeps cutting herself?

[Daisy Hart]

I. I mean, I didn't really cut myself too much. I'm scared of my own blood.

[Yoni]

You're scared?

[Daisy Hart]

But I'm really good at cutting people's tummies.

[Yoni]

Really? They would let you do that?

[Daisy Hart]

I mean, they let you with a cauterizer. You know, you do tummy tucks and get rid of all that extra skin that the girls get after they have all the babies.

[Yoni]

You. They would let you?

[Daisy Hart]

Well, me and the doctors. So, you know, the doctors that are like the surgeons that are okay with you, you know, doing more, they let you do a little bit more because they're training you. So, I mean, you're just cutting off skin that's going to go in the garbage. Anyways, so.

[Yoni]

Right. Okay, Daisy. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, very, very interesting.

[Daisy Hart]

Something more scary than can you catch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

See if you catch like a boy. You think you're so manly.

[Yoni]

Put your glasses on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't want you to. I don't know if that's going to

[Daisy Hart]

make it any better. I'm still Asian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so manly for a girl. Here comes the joke book I could just have. Not fair. Just kidding. There she goes. Daisy heart, everybody. Daisy heart.

[Yoni]

Poof.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yikes. Okay, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Cody Odell, everyone. Cody Odell.

[Yoni]

Here he is. Cody Odell, everybody.

[Cody Odell]

How's it going, guys?

[Brendan Higgins]

Do I just.

[Cody Odell]

I just start, I guess I've never done this. How's it going, guys? I was listening to this podcast, and this guy was like, these only fans. Women aren't these only fans. Girls aren't traditional women. Right. I was like, this guy's clearly never heard of the oldest job in the world. Clearly have never heard of the oldest job in the world. Have you?

[D Madness]

Hey.

[Cody Odell]

Of girls are traditional, Right? All right.

[Yoni]

I've been looking for an apartment.

[Cody Odell]

I've been looking for an apartment, and I saw a listing, and it said the walls were painted agreeable gray. And I have a problem with that. You know, like, we don't even agree on how to spell gray.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Cody Odell]

Some people spell it G, R, E, Y, Right, and other people spell it wrong. Right, Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. The absolute maximum amount of time for Cody Odell. Cody, how do you feel right now?

[Cody Odell]

Now I feel like I did. I could have done better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But, you know, that's an honest answer. That's an honest answer. I could have done better.

[Yoni]

Cody, how long you been doing stand up?

[Cody Odell]

14 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean?

[Yoni]

What do you mean you've been doing

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it for 14 years?

[Cody Odell]

I did my first Cap City open Mike in, like, 2010. I mean, I've been around. I lived in New York for a while, came back. I know I'm a musician mostly before I did comedy.

[Yoni]

Okay.

[Cody Odell]

And then my band quit, So I just.

[Yoni]

14 years in the game. Joe, you ever seen Cody Odell up there in New York?

[Joe List]

No, I've never seen Cody before. I'm interested that your whole band quit. That's. I got. I'm not. I don't. I don't like to be mean. I'm not a mean guy, but that's literally the worst standup set I've ever seen ever.

[Deshawn Johnson]

From a.

[Cody Odell]

From a bad person in a bad fan or just.

[Joe List]

No, no. Any person.

[Yoni]

No, Any person.

[Joe List]

That was tremendously bad.

[Yoni]

Damn, that was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love.

[Joe List]

I mean, I don't know if I could try to be that bad and succeed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe's like, I'm not good at being mean, but watch this.

[Joe List]

That was really wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that reaction.

[Yoni]

Joe, that might be one of my

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

favorite reactions to anybody doing anything ever. Like, you're literally like, I've never seen it before. Like, you're cracking up. It was unbelievable.

[Yoni]

Cody, I think I've seen you around town playing music. What do you, what do you do musically?

[Cody Odell]

I'm a drummer and vocalist.

[Yoni]

You're a vocalist? Okay. Can we do like a song that you can do? A song that these guys can do?

[Cody Odell]

We can do what, Sir Duke, if you guys want to do.

[Yoni]

This is going to be one of those moments where you realize this guy should never try stand up again.

[Joe List]

I'm excited. This is one of my favorite songs. I'm excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we, can we make a deal

[Yoni]

real quick before we do this? Because I could tell this is going to kill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to do the opposite because I am in full control and the

[Yoni]

creator of the show. I want to do the opposite of what we did with Roy Mendoza. I think that if you do great, you should retire from stand up comedy. Do we have a deal? Can we possibly retire you from stand up here?

[Cody Odell]

I was literally sitting over here in this, in this bar and I was thinking, like, I sold out the love of my life for comedy. And then I came in here and this was, no, no, it's fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't like, I'm just like, hold on, Cody.

[Cody Odell]

So I got to do it. I guess it's like infected me.

[Yoni]

Stick with me here. When you say you sold out the love of your life for comedy, what exactly do you mean? Because I think it's the only thing you've. You're ever going to sell out in your entire life.

[Cody Odell]

I just, just like pursuing comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did it, like, because of that.

[Cody Odell]

Well, I just, I became an asshole. So I ruined the relationship. How does an asshole, you know, going out till like 4 o' clock in the morning in New York City, getting fucked up and wow. I quit drinking like almost two years ago, so.

[Yoni]

So it's something you'll never stop doing is stand up comedy.

[Cody Odell]

I'm going to do it because I love it. I like, I don't care if I make it. Like, in a sense, I know I'm funny. I may have not had a good set tonight, but.

[Deshawn Johnson]

Right.

[Cody Odell]

There's been people that have had a great Set and they're fun suck. So you guys are great. I love you all. Thank you. But yeah, I mean, it's so.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I've done it.

[Cody Odell]

To not get bad on one set. Although this.

[Yoni]

Hold on, Cody, stick with me here. I don't want you to have a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

mental breakdown live in front of a million people. I'm gonna help you through this. When you say there's people that have had a great set and then they suck, you mean, like, they only have

[Yoni]

a minute of good material, and then they come back and they. It gets rougher.

[Cody Odell]

I'm saying, like, I've seen somebody do it for, like, four months and murder a room, but then I've seen somebody, you know, do it for a long period of time, and Blake might just not have a good set, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Cody Odell]

Kind of how it goes.

[Redban]

Worst set Joe has ever seen in his life.

[Cody Odell]

Yeah, that's. That's crazy. I like you must not have been a very many open mics.

[Yoni]

14 years. 14 years in the game. Was that a newer minute? The gray.

[Cody Odell]

That's a newer minute for sure.

[Yoni]

Okay, how about this? How about we do 14 years? Your best, most effective joke you've ever written in 14 years. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. 14.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

14 years. This is the best joke ever from Cody Odell.

[Cody Odell]

I think Disney ruined relationships just because they set the bar too high. You know, I just. Like, I. Am I. Guys, Am I right? I mean, like, do anybody have a castle here? Like, the beast? Even he was a mutant. He had an enchanted castle.

[Eric Jordan]

Right?

[Cody Odell]

Like, of course she's not gonna be satisfied with my one bed, one bath. Like, yeah, exactly. No, it's. I'm not taking a girl on a magic carpet ride. Like, maybe a magic Kia ride. Just be like, I can show you a mortgage. Shining, shimmering interest. Tell me, princess, now when did you last let's all someone co. Sign.

[D Madness]

A whole new loan?

[Yoni]

A dazzling rate you never knew. No one to tell us no. You need collateral. That's the end of this joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. That's better than the first minute. Let's end it with a song. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

[D Madness]

Music is a whirlwind sound web language we all understand they can feel it all. They can feel it all the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. Okay. Cody Odell, honestly, before, I thought you should retire from stand up and be a musician.

[Yoni]

Now I think you should retire from both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But here you go with a little joke book. There he goes. Cody o', Dell, ladies and gentlemen These musicians, something else. Go to matthewtm.org check out Matt Muling's new single. And go to john d's.bandcamp.com check out his whole repertoire of music. There again, D. Madness Day is Valentine's Day.

[Yoni]

Check them out at the Skylark Lounge, six to eight. All right. Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The last two bucket pools.

[Yoni]

I'm sure there's a few, few people watching online that have killed themselves and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

won't even get to see the final comedian of the night. He's a legend, everybody. He is the only.

[Yoni]

Actually, he's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have two living members of the hall of Fame now. David Lucas has also joined the fray. But this man, record for most. Most sets, most interviews, most everything. Some people call him the Sultan of San Antonio. The Duke of Davenport Court, the Islander

[Yoni]

of the British Isles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Tijuana Tornado, the Des Moines Drowning.

[Joe List]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. The one and only William Montgomery, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

I just would like to first off say, Cody, the singing wasn't that much better, you fucking idiot. And I swear to God, I felt a little threatened when he was like, oh, some people have good minutes. I'm thinking, dude, fuck it, kill yourself.

[Yoni]

Okay?

[William Montgomery]

They recently found three Chiefs fans frozen to death and their buddies back here yard. Apparently, right before they died, one of them said, wouldn't it be cool if we watched the super bowl with Toby Keith? They're in hell. I'm insinuating they're in hell.

[Joe List]

Okay,

[William Montgomery]

real quick, housekeeping note. If anybody finds a Tamagotchi pet lying around, please return to red band. He was gonna feed it, but he was too hungry and it fell out of his pocket. Knuckles from the Sonic Universe is getting a standalone film. Not to be outdone, Kirby from the Nintendo Universe is getting a standalone. Only fans. Apparently, Kirby has a special talent that I had to see to believe. And, yeah, it's true. Kirby swallows that whole. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. 1 minute, 15 seconds from the legend, the man that's done it more than

[Yoni]

anyone ever has in the history of the show, the Big Red Machine, William Lights Out Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I mean, I would honestly like to see that piece of shit Cody

[Tony]

try to do this fucking week in

[William Montgomery]

and week out, just by his stinky fucking attitude. Tony, I swear to God, right off the bat, it's like. Like he thinks he could. Dude, you could never do this, you piece of. I'm back there getting way too high. I hear that idiot come up on the stage. I'm Literally worried about Tama, the Tamagotchi

[Tony]

pet from Red Band. That's all I'm thinking about. Okay.

[Yoni]

He kind of did have a terrible attitude. That part did stand out to me, where he goes, some people have a good set and then they suck. Like, it's like, well, yeah, but you want to have more good sets than bad sets.

[Jeff Scott]

But yeah, it's like, do the math, you dumbass.

[William Montgomery]

Like, seriously, it's these delusional weirdos in this place.

[Yoni]

I love it. Oh, your mustache blew up just then. You could do that. It almost blew off. That's incredible. I didn't know you could do that. That's a.

[William Montgomery]

Well, it was actually a $400 surgery

[Tony]

I got this past Thursday.

[Yoni]

Tony, what did they do exactly?

[William Montgomery]

They added more hair. They got from the back of my head kind of back here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Where there's hair. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

And yeah, they did an implant. They started out.

[Tony]

I'm thinking about implants on the top of my head. Tony. I was actually.

[Yoni]

Have you thought about perhaps taking some of your beard hairs and putting them on the top?

[William Montgomery]

Tony, I look like a black person. They're all frizzy.

[D Madness]

Ah, Move on.

[Yoni]

Aboard. Aboard.

[William Montgomery]

Ah, no.

[Eric Jordan]

But yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Tony, I don't think it could work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That mustache is flying every which direction tonight. It is amazing that we have done

[Yoni]

this publicly for so many years. And every week you find new things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This mustache thing is killing me.

[William Montgomery]

You don't think it's funny, you fucking idiot. I've been looking at you this whole fucking time. You seem like a real weird weirdo. Oh, I see your nasty. Look at Slotson right beside you now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know who that is?

[Yoni]

That's the great actor Edward Norton right there. I don't know if you know that. He was the Incredible Hulk.

[D Madness]

Holy.

[Yoni]

Yeah, it's a star studded audience. The great Matthew McConaughey is watching from the. From the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't look, you idiot. I'm this white trash return. The Matthew McConaughey. Even know he was there, you idiot? Shut up.

[Yoni]

There's a. It's a star studded audience. A lot of. A lot of. A lot of hip people been getting into Kill Tony lately.

[Tony]

Yeah, I actually got a letter. Tony brings that up because I got a letter from the founder of Vitamix.

[Yoni]

He.

[Tony]

He's a really nice old man these days. But yeah, he wants me to be their new sponsor. Not to bring it up because of the sponsor sponsorship, but yeah, the vitamin. I mean, it's like the dude, he's a legend.

[William Montgomery]

I grew up Tony I started.

[Tony]

I did this weird thing when I was in Salt Lake City. I started buying coins on an infomercial.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. No.

[William Montgomery]

I swear to God. Now I bought 500 worth of coins,

[Tony]

and if I sell each one individually, they're gonna make me $2,000. I got a couple of them. I spent a thousand dollars. I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many?

[Tony]

4,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much did you spend on the

[Yoni]

$500 worth of coins

[Tony]

with T? I don't know. I mean, I ended.

[William Montgomery]

I spent 1500.

[Yoni]

You spent $1500 on $500 worth of coin?

[William Montgomery]

If I sell.

[Tony]

No, it's worth.

[William Montgomery]

I bought two packs.

[Tony]

It was worth 4,000. So I'm looking at tripling my money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Yoni]

And you're. You plan on doing this coin by coin, perhaps to audience members. What's your plan of executing this exactly?

[Tony]

I don't know. I got to figure it out. I. I did just recently start. I've been a big ebay lurker for many years, and I'm finally starting to make my presence known on ebay. I'm posting everything. I'm doing these pictures of these coins. I started drawing as well. Tony. I've gotten really good at drawing the Kennedy half dollars. I have so many half dollars that are about to be on the market on my ebay site. But you can't. Honestly, I have an ebay site. I'm really. I might. I don't know. I might have to hang all this up.

[Yoni]

Where can people find your ebay site at

[Tony]

Williams Coins? On ebay, just Williams Coins is my show.

[Yoni]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's going to be a lot of

[Yoni]

people looking up Williams coins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I implore you in the next three weeks to actually build that ebay. The way you looked at me made

[Yoni]

me think that you may have been kidding, and I took it a little serious.

[Joe List]

Yeah.

[Tony]

Did you think that was funny? Edward Norton, you idiot.

[William Montgomery]

I hated you in the Hulk, you dumbass. Why did you have to destroy?

[Tony]

Destroy?

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Yoni]

Oh, I have bad news.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There actually is a Williams coins already 24,000 items sold. 534 followers. And bad news. They have much better coins than you have. Than you are, Tony.

[William Montgomery]

That is my actual ebay site. I wanted to get it out tonight. I have been selling coins on ebay for the past, yeah, 10 years. So I was trying to think of a creative way to get it out there. But yes, that is.

[Tony]

Actually, I've made a lot of money on that, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Yoni]

That is incredible. I had no idea about this coin business. I'm always finding out new. Very interesting. Intriguing Things about you, such a compelling subject. You were out last week with a sinus infection. Would you like to tell us about that?

[D Madness]

I was.

[Tony]

I'm gonna be honest with y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Tony]

At the very beginning, I was just. I can always tell I'm starting to get sick when I just start getting so hungry. I just. I have this insane appetite.

[Yoni]

I just start.

[Tony]

I'm so starving. Just walking around the apartment, just look at. I'm like, what, do I have macaroni in here? What do I have? I got macaroni. But hold on. Where's the milk in here? And then it's like, wait, I got the milk. Do I have the butter in this play? And then I just get so starving, Tony. And I have to start walking around.

[William Montgomery]

And then I start eating peanut butter crackers.

[Tony]

And I'm like, yeah, sure enough, I got a sinus infection, my throat. I'm coughing every. Everywhere. I'm eating peanut butter crackers everywhere.

[William Montgomery]

I'm waiting to call your ass, Tony.

[Tony]

And I'm scared to death. I'm gonna think Tony's gonna be so angry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't wait till the last minute. You waited till about 20 minutes before

[Yoni]

the show started last week to let me know. You were really stalling.

[Tony]

I was. And hold on. Why was that so funny?

[William Montgomery]

I always like you, Michael, but why was that so funny?

[Yoni]

That was fun, but, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

No, I honestly was sick. Sick, Tony. I swear I was sick.

[Yoni]

I believe you, okay? And now I'm starting to not believe you, though I did believe you, but now you. The way you're telling me.

[Tony]

Promise. I was.

[Yoni]

Tell us some more of your symptoms. What kind of symptoms did you.

[Tony]

Well, it's horrible. I started playing the Last of Us 2 remaster again.

[William Montgomery]

And they have this new game mode. No, Tony. I started having these horrible nightmares. We have this plant situated in the bedroom, and it looks like somebody's head. And I wake up and I think there's zombies in there. And the first time it happened, I said, oh, hello.

[Yoni]

What were you eating at the time?

[William Montgomery]

My girlfriend was like, why would you. It's a zombie. You probably shouldn't.

[Yoni]

What were you. What were you eating when you were playing these games? Rattle off some food for us.

[William Montgomery]

You know, I was eating that macaroni attack. You know, I thought, I eat a macaroni.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's macaroni and cheese for those of you that don't understand.

[William Montgomery]

And prunes. The prunes have been helping my bowel movements, Tony. I took a shit today. There was, I swear to God, three feet long. I had to get it out of the water to get my tape measure out. I had to figure out how to use the tape measure to measure it because the is so floppy. So then I had to tape measure that. Tony. It was nasty. And there's everywhere. And I'm trying another puzzle tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's on the puzzle this week?

[Yoni]

What type of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, the mustache almost blew completely off on that one. What kind of puzzle are you doing this week?

[William Montgomery]

It's weirdly enough. It's a bunch of Jewish people that look like him. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Spotted again.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. Are you a gentile? You're jewish as well?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool. Wow. That almost. That almost hit the ceiling on that one. The mustache is climbing the walls.

[Yoni]

All right, all right, hold on a second. Let's hold on a second here. William, what are you passionate about this week before we let you go? Joe, you've seen William before. What'd you think about this performance?

[Joe List]

Many times. I loved it.

[William Montgomery]

Tell me straight.

[Joe List]

No, I loved it. I'm still around.

[William Montgomery]

Tell me what you think.

[Joe List]

I'm still rattled from the last guy. I'm not gonna sleep. I feel terrible.

[Yoni]

It is incredible.

[Tony]

No, he asked you a question about what you thought about my set.

[Joe List]

I know.

[Tony]

I don't really give a About that idiot before me. He answered Tony's question.

[Joe List]

I thought the set was lights out killer.

[William Montgomery]

You don't believe that.

[Tony]

It's really. I don't believe you.

[Joe List]

So.

[Tony]

And that's fine. Everybody's allowed to have their own opinions.

[Joe List]

No, I loved it. I still love it. Still going. Yeah,

[Yoni]

it is true. And to think right now, Cody o' dell is walking down the street, probably with his hands in his pockets, pretending like nothing went wrong tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rationalizing, like, yeah, I had a bad set this time, But I'm gonna go back and I'm gonna show them.

[Yoni]

Because when they see some other jokes that I've written over the last 14

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

years, you know, that.

[Yoni]

That relationships be like Disney world was just the tip of the ice. Iceberg. The tip of the spear.

[Jeff Scott]

Yeah.

[Tony]

I mean, he's got a lot of promise. If he just sticks with it, I think he really could turn it around. I mean, it's 14 years. Whatever. Rean's doing it, what, 20 years and he's still.

[Joe List]

Ah, What are we going to hear

[William Montgomery]

about the dolphin again? You dumbass. I'm kidding. I love you, red A.

[Yoni]

They love each other, Red band. You want to tell them that you love him too?

[Redban]

I love you.

[William Montgomery]

I love you.

[Nico Casablancas]

Too.

[Yoni]

Oh my God, what a magical moment. I feel like Red band's about to propose again.

[Redban]

All right, you know.

[Yoni]

Oh, look at this, look at this. All right, William, anything else before we let you go? Anything you want to promote or anything like that?

[Casey Rocket]

Just play.

[Tony]

Everybody is so sweet. Anybody's ever gotten a cameo. So sweet. Tony, we are it. I am balls deep in those right now. That's. Honestly, I was so scared about getting the sign is. It's Valentine's Day. Been doing a bunch of you happy Valentine's Day's messages to people. It's been a whole lot of fun and I greatly appreciate it. But it starts turning into my biggest nightmare when it seems like every thing that comes out of my mouth. Okay. I don't know where I was going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Yoni]

Aboard Abor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are your tickets on sale?

[Yoni]

You have some up upcoming tour dates, correct?

[Tony]

Yeah, you can just find it on my Instagram. Yes. Going to a number of places. Very excited.

[Yoni]

Find it on his Instagram.

[William Montgomery]

Find it on my Instagram.

[Tony]

I don't know. I need somebody to help me build a website. I mean, I gave some fucking idiot $20,000 like four years ago and worth

[Yoni]

of coins or actual money or.

[Tony]

No, it was actually money. It was travelers checks. And he was like. So now he has my domain name. I was trying to get William Montgomery. Comedy is turning into a. I'm about to sue his ass.

[Joe List]

It wasn't Deshawn. Was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Could have been.

[Yoni]

We never found out what his actual scam was. But I will tell you this, my friend, it's an easy to build website. If you just take the one simple step of going to Squarespace.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The one that begins with squ would

[Yoni]

be that one red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Yoni]

And using the simple promo code, which this is back when it was kind of hard to find. Fine on the thing. Cuz they used to send the whole goddamn thing.

[Tony]

But yeah, I've so appreciated all the cameo messages. Oh my gosh.

[Yoni]

There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony.

[Yoni]

The promo code. Tony, go to squarespace.com 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Tony]

A bunch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Yoni]

William. Anything you're passionate about.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I've been.

[Yoni]

You're going to eat some Mac and cheese when you get home? Maybe. Yeah, I'll probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tony]

I gotta heat up the oven. The microwave stop working on your microwave Stopped working.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, Tony.

[Tony]

I mean, I'm having a really bad day today. Yeah, it's fucking. I'm trying to heat up my eggs earlier in the microwave when I wake up.

[Yoni]

Have you ever thought about boiling the noodles for your macaroni and cheese, Man,

[D Madness]

I ain't never get up on the noodles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. William Montgomery, everybody.

[Joe List]

We did it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe List. Tell us you have dates coming up. Joe List.

[Yoni]

What's the website?

[Joe List]

Comedian joelist.com?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yes.

[Yoni]

Comedian joelist.com. he's on tour everywhere.

[Joe List]

Your special is three specials on YouTube. They're all there. You can go see them all.

[Yoni]

It's all under Joe List.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Comedy.

[Joe List]

Absolutely. Yep.

[Yoni]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about one more time for the great Joe List? Come on. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. It's fucking awesome. He draws every episode while the show happens. Ryanjebel.com let's see what Chris Rogers drew up.

[Daisy Hart]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The newest member of the regime, Casey Rocket with the crab claws. That's an instant classic, guys. They're gonna play us out. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, D Madness, John Dees and Matt Muhling. Thank you to all of our sponsors. Gel Blaster, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, cm,

[Yoni]

Smokehouse Austin, Security Guard Service, Ninja Box Hall Law Firm and Connect Mobile Health.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band, San Diego.

[Redban]

Check out me and Casey Rocket and a couple other people in July. American Comedy code dot com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[D Madness]

Sam.

[Sunset Strip Promo]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[D Madness]

Sam.