#654: MATT MCCUSKER

Summary

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Kill Tony #654: MATT MCCUSKER

Date: March 12, 2024
Podcast: Kill Tony (DEATHSQUAD.TV)
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features comedian and podcaster Matt McCusker from “Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast” in his debut at the Comedy Mothership as special guest. Hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, the live show continues its signature format: drawing comedians at random from the “bucket” to perform one-minute sets, followed by interviews that are as spontaneous and wild as ever. The evening delivers the usual blend of irreverent stand-up, crowd work, unfiltered interviews, and table banter, while regulars Casey Rocket, Cam Patterson, and William Montgomery provide their reliably offbeat comedic energy.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening & Introductions

[04:31]

• Tony welcomes Matt McCusker, hyping his comedy credentials and his recent move to Austin.
• 175 comedians have signed up to perform—names drawn from the bucket get one minute each.

2. Regular Set: Casey Rocket

[07:41 – 14:45]

• Casey brings his trademark absurdism, referencing his "Fentanyl league" softball, “inventing the smartwatch,” and the “Reverse Ice Bucket Challenge.”
• Casey’s famed crab walk comes up; Tony jokes about his onstage “crab-based cardio.”

“You actually watch him lose like three or four pounds in 15 minutes on a theater stage.” – Tony [10:07]

• The absurdity continues as Casey reveals he has “multiple IDs” (e.g., “Blake Shelton, Billie Eilish”).
• Banter about his “nitrogen bar” breakfast blurs reality and joke (“Does sound like a protein bar” – Matt, [13:41]).

Memorable Moment:
Casey details the origin of his crab walk—stemming from drinking Robitussin as a teen and a friend’s “crab boy” antics ([11:10]).

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3. Bucket Pulls: Random Comedian Sets & Interviews

Jackson Nami

[15:20 – 23:52]

• High-energy, raunchy gay comic from Houston, delivers jokes about gay stereotypes, his dad’s reaction, and heartbreak from an ex named Mackenzie.
• Interview focuses on his personal life, heartbreak (“He broke my fucking heart” [20:19]), desire to be “bottom,” and family estrangement.
• Tony and panel riff on his candidness about sexuality; Matt and Tony keep probing for stories about his experience as a “bottom.”

“Usually I'm so gay on this show, but you... make me just look like a... her bear. I'm a manly man now.” – Tony [18:54]

Gordon Sumner

[24:31 – 31:12]

• Stand-up involving Pete Davidson, jiu-jitsu, and failed crowd work.
• Revealed to be a furniture mover (not a “real” truck driver) and self-proclaimed rapper—panel jokes mercilessly after he only attempts an Eminem impression ([29:25]).

“You just did an Eminem impression.” – Tony [29:50]

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Billy Swift

[32:06 – 43:35]

• Orlando-to-Austin transplant, blind installer, two and a half years in standup.
• Bits about recreational Viagra use and “queefing as trumpets of victory.”
• Interview covers the differences between Austin and Orlando homelessness (he’s seen “homeless tits” for the first time in Austin), his MMA background (undefeated, one fight), and recent singlehood.
• Gets his “first Austin kiss” live on stage ([41:16]) and shares childhood story: as a fat kid, he got so many “titty twisters” he developed a single “cauliflower tit” (“Uno Bresto” [43:21]).

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Cam Patterson (Regular)

[44:18 – 51:05]

• Delivers sharply constructed “good pussy/good hair” theory, linking mothers’ sexual prowess to their children’s hair quality.
• Banter follows on “big dick/big pussy” genetics, his own father's "bad toes," and a recent unsatisfying threesome (“they ran a train on you” riff [50:29]).

“If you have good pussy, your kids got good hair.” – Cam [45:06]

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Angelo Seville

[51:39 – 60:34]

• Army medic, over a year in comedy, describes doing standup both in Temple and Austin.
• Talks about his daughter’s rare genetic disorder, Prader-Willi Syndrome, and reflects on fatherhood challenges.
• Joked about painting as a hobby, awkwardly responds to the panel's “are you gay?” routine.

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Mike Ryan

[60:59 – 70:52]

• Four months into comedy, delivers well-received strip club/Akon/“blind guy” material.
• Emotional interview: recently divorced after six months of marriage, recounts losing his best friend/best man to gun violence on his wedding day ([64:45]).
• Shows off freestyle rap ability on request ([68:57]); gets booked for a secret show.

“Rhymes be subliminal / I used to be a criminal / but now I'm hopping on this mic / I'm golden like the mineral.” – Mike Ryan ([68:57])

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Carlos Lopez (Return – Second time ever on stage)

[71:52 – 80:10]

• Calm, swaggering cowboy persona; jokes about “ye/haw” pronouns, “nature’s leftovers” (single moms), and “teaching AI about disappointment by f—ing a sex robot.”
• Reveals he lives on the road hauling horses, has a soft spot for single moms because “they put out,” and can “find a taco stand anywhere.”

“Just out here hauling horses, slangin’ dick and dodging babies.” – Carlos [74:34]

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Jason Vest

[81:29 – 87:09]

• Disabled war veteran, three years in standup, bit on being a “pecker checker” medic in Iraq, hosting a “prettiest butthole in Michigan” contest.
• Admits to being “milked” while giving STD tests: "You didn't milk that guy’s dick. I just made that up... you jerked that guy off for no reason." [86:21]

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Sydney Abusawan (First time)

[95:00 – 102:08]

• Lebanese-Australian, testicular cancer survivor; “Uniballer” routine about losing a testicle, temporary “shooting blanks,” and later fertility.
• Works as a sports nutritionist, engaged, and has a PhD in Exercise Science.
• Charming interview; explains family background, academic work, and dog named “Berlin” ([98:40]).

“If by jerking off a lot you actually reduce your risk of prostate cancer. So make sure you wank.” – Sydney [97:50]

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4. Regular Closer: William Montgomery

[103:10 – 115:53]

• Delivers a set riffing on President’s Day and Warren G. Harding, California border walls, and a savage dig at an audience member’s Honda Accord.
• Extended, neurotically detailed, and hilarious interview on his all-bran cereal habits, left-handed wiping, bidet avoidance, and butthole health.
• Panel cracks up at his willingness to be vulnerable about his bodily routines:

“When I was putting my left hand into my... my butthole was coming out of my anus... I could feel it popping out of my...” – William [111:47]

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Notable Quotes

• Matt McCusker on a contestant's disposition:
  “You do look like one of those newfangled trans school shooters, no doubt about it.” [17:07]

• Tony Hinchcliffe on the comic rapper:
  “Dude, you’re not a rapper at all. You just did what they do.” [30:02]

• Carlos Lopez (in character):
  “Never anywhere for too long.” [76:52]

• William Montgomery about his new wiping routine:
  “You gotta sit on your left hand before you’re putting it up in your anus... That’s why we get in the shower.” [113:24]

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Overall Themes & Tone

• Unfiltered, irreverent humor: No subject is off-limits, from homosexuality, mishaps in the army, and trauma, to bodily functions and cancer survival.
• Audience as participants: Ongoing crowd work and frequent interactions with random audience members/chatters.
• Spotlight on new comics: Ongoing encouragement (and roasting) of both newbies and regulars, including actual bookings for promising sets.
• Matt McCusker’s dry wit: His guest panel presence raises the level of the banter and turns every interview into a comedic interrogation.

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Timestamps of Key Segments

| Time | Segment/Topic | |---------|-----------------------------------------| |04:31 | Matt McCusker introduction & show rules | |07:41 | Casey Rocket’s set & crab walk story | |15:20 | Jackson Nami: gay comic, heartbreak | |24:31 | Gordon Sumner: failed rap, old job | |32:06 | Billy Swift: MMA, “Uno Bresto” story | |44:18 | Cam Patterson: good pussy/good hair | |51:39 | Angelo Seville: Army medic, fatherhood | |60:59 | Mike Ryan: strip club, tragic wedding | |71:52 | Carlos Lopez: cowboy, single moms | |81:29 | Jason Vest: war medic, butthole contest | |95:00 | Sydney Abusawan: testicular cancer | |103:10 | William Montgomery: regular closer |

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Standout & Memorable Moments

• Casey Rocket’s “Crab Walk” origin story ([11:10]): The genesis of his unique physical bit is a highlight of the regular segment energy.
• Jackson Nami’s emotional honesty ([20:19]): His candidness about heartbreak and bottoming stirs raucous and awkward panel banter.
• Mike Ryan’s wedding tragedy ([64:45]): The panel balances genuine pathos with comedy as Mike shares about his best friend’s murder on his wedding day.
• Carlos Lopez’s quick wit and cowboy perspective ([74:34], [76:52], [77:02]): He stands out as a newcomer with poise and uniquely Texan energy.
• William Montgomery’s bowel confessions ([111:47]): The regular’s extended riff on wiping, showering, and bidet donation had both panel and audience in stitches.

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Final Thoughts

Episode #654 captures Kill Tony at its chaotic best—with a healthy mix of talented newcomers, regular absurdity, a guest panelist who dives gleefully into the roasting, and enough unpredictable moments to make even the longest episode zoom by. Whether you love cringe, character, or just a wild ride, this episode is a top-tier entry in Kill Tony’s marathon run.

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Transcript

[Redban]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv.

[Billy Swift]

And don't forget to check out everything

[Carlos Lopez]

Tony [e-mail] and the sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas.

[Redban]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, y', all, the LA Forum is right around the corner and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in Kiltoni's history. Travel. Go there, we'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand up sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashvill, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the stand up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony.

[William Montgomery]

Hey, this is Redneck coming to you

[Redban]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hexquin.

[William Montgomery]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh?

[Redban]

Hey, look, it's Redband, everybody.

[Jason Vest]

Hey.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Redban]

You did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in the world, Kill Tony.

[Redban]

You guys excited?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks to our friends, Gel Blaster, Yellow Rose, Red Rose, hull law firm, ninjabuses.com CM, Smokehouse Connect, Mobile Health and Asphalt 3D made us this super cool thing, this magnet bucket pool thing that now I can keep all the names that I pull out in order and in position. It's like state of the art 3D printing. Shout out to our friend Asphalt3D. And how about one more time for

[Redban]

the best stand band in the land, huh? God damn it. Son of a. On the horns, Carlos sos,

[Raul Vallejo]

Raul Vallejo

[Redban]

and Fernando Castillo, not to be confused with the great Michael Gonzalez. And then on the diverse side of the room, we have the mortician Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys and the dark Force D Madness on the bass guitar. Everybod

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you.

[Sunset Strip Comedy Club Announcer]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Redban]

Sam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

[Redban]

Huh? Every single week, I have at least one of the funniest comedians in the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

world on this show. This week is no different. I love this show because I take great pride in not only pulling names out of the bucket and introducing people to people, to comedians that are getting their start or perhaps breaking into the industry, but another one of the amazing things that I think we do here is, is we introduce to you or remind you of some of the great existing comedians that are about to change the goddamn game. This is one of those guys, an absolute monster. You know him from his hit podcast, Matt and Shane's secret podcast.

[Redban]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great and powerful Matt McCusker, everybody, who, yeah, his second time ever on the show, the the New Year's Eve episode. This is his first time at Kiltoni at the mothership home field advantage, one of the newest residents of Austin, Texas.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tilting the polarization of the Austin comedy scene. One of my favorite comedians. How's it going, Matt?

[Matt McCusker]

Pretty good. Thank you for the introduction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was Matt's on tour. Mattmcusker.com for tickets. And of course, Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Shane Gillis taping SN Week.

[Redban]

We got Matt McCusker on the number one live comedy show in the world. So you, Shane, so welcome, Matt. You did New Year's Eve.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That show was awesome. Crazy. We're gonna have fun here again. You remember how it works. 175 people tonight signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry west Holly bear and they have to wrap it up then. And then I interview them. We find out more about them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

[Redban]

I pulled a name out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They go. They grab that person from the bar across the street. Poor choices, which is what we're going to see a lot of people make tonight. And we will begin with one of our regulars, everybody. Now some of you might not know yet, but there is a new regular that starts every episode of the show. He's a goddamn force of nature. You probably know him from his hit appearances on of all things Kill.

[Redban]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I present to you one of the

[Redban]

top young rising comedians in the world, Austin Zone. This is Casey Rocket.

[Casey Rocket]

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name.

[Redban]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Hell yeah. SiriusXM radio.

[Redban]

All right. Very cool.

[Casey Rocket]

Okay, I gotta get out of here. I got a softball game after this, so. It's not a beer league, it's a Fentanyl league. Should be pretty fun. Me and the boys shooting up, sleeping

[Raul Vallejo]

on the ball field.

[Redban]

So should be a good time.

[Casey Rocket]

Most of you probably know me as the creator of the smartwatch. But I also donate to a number of successful charities, most notably the Reverse Ice Bucket Challenge. That's where I dump a bucket of hot water on somebody who has als.

[Redban]

Easy money. Hell yeah. Let's get real.

[Casey Rocket]

Look at this guy rubbing his eyes. You're not dreaming, sweetie. This dude's fast as fuck. All right, come on, get lost. That's what I do. Every time I see a police horse, I just gargle his lips a little bit.

[William Montgomery]

Solve any crimes lately, Brainiac?

[Casey Rocket]

But you know, it's Biden's America.

[Gordon Sumner]

Police are horses.

[Casey Rocket]

Okay, we're done. Thank you, Casey Rocket.

[Redban]

Rocket.

[Cam Patterson]

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

[Redban]

The fucking mighty machine machine of Morocco.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey Rocket has arrived.

[Redban]

Another brand new minute. Thank you. So much goddamn fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, fun. I don't know why I thought you're all gonna yell like that too. Okay. Didn't feel good.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are a phenom. This weekend, for the first time ever in my standup comedy history, I took Casey Rocket to a massive theater to open up for me. And it was unbelievable.

[Redban]

If you think he's fun in large,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

sold out comedy rooms, you should see him in an unbelievably huge sold out theater. His crab walk from side to side is so fast. Have you ever measured it? Like, have you ever measured like. What's your 40 crab walk? Oh, crab 40. Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

3 5.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's unbelievable.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, it's about Mach 3. Yeah, Mach 3 or 4. The key is small steps. I don't want to tell you too much, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

he uses the entire stage. I mean, you actually watch him lose like three or four pounds in 15

[Redban]

minutes on a theater stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is absolutely incredible. Your cardio is amazing. How do you stay in shape?

[Casey Rocket]

One day at a time. Just spending time with my friends and. Sitting down With a good book and just hoping for the best. Yeah, playing. Nope. I don't know what I was gonna say. Playing something. Just hanging with the boys and crabbing a lot. We're doing stand up all the time. So I have a very specific skill set of just crab based cardio that doesn't translate to almost anything else in life except the bedroom.

[Jackson Nami]

Wink.

[Jason Vest]

And

[Casey Rocket]

just fucking crab in circles around her. Are you close?

[Matt McCusker]

Where did the crab walk like, originate from? What was your inspiration?

[Casey Rocket]

Honestly? Okay, so me and my friend. I mean, honestly. So me and my friend Tommy drank a bunch of Robitussin when we were 15 years old. It's absolutely true. And he was walking around. He was the original crab. I paid him 100 grand for it.

[Mike Ryan]

He was.

[Casey Rocket]

We were tripping on Robitussin and he was really. Got really red. He got flushed probably because it's like poison or whatever. And like. But at the time, you're like, oh, you're so red. And he was walking around going, crab,

[Redban]

crab boy, crab boy.

[Casey Rocket]

And I was like, oh, my.

[Billy Swift]

It's perfect.

[Casey Rocket]

And so it became a thing in our friend group that we would all crab around all the time.

[Redban]

Perfect.

[Casey Rocket]

It is normal.

[Redban]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. There was one point, just so you know what being on the road with KC Rocket is kind of like. At one point, when we left the airport, one of our amazing producers, the great Christie, says, All right, y', all, we're pulling up to the hotel soon. If I could have your guys's IDs, I'm gonna get you all checked into the hotel super quick. You guys can kill a few minutes and I'll be right back with your room keys. And Casey proceeded to pull out multiple different IDs of different human beings. He had a Blake. A Blake Shelton.

[Casey Rocket]

I had a Punisher one, which is kind of like when people piss me off. Yeah, Blake Shelton. There was a. What's her name? Billie Eilish.

[Jackson Nami]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it was a bad, bad girl

[Redban]

license is what it says.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I didn't bring it, but yeah, it amazing. Casey, you are a sensation. Absolutely hilarious all the time. He has a very interesting diet. You want to tell these people what you eat for breakfast?

[Casey Rocket]

What was it? Nitrogen bar,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Space stuff.

[Casey Rocket]

Nitrogen bar, Gumball, Pad of butter. Yeah, the nitrogen bar is really big though. So mostly just one of those.

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah. Just a reminder about stupid red band is just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then he goes, really?

[Redban]

No, he didn't really eat a nitrogen bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's doing comedy.

[Redban]

No, I thought that was an actual like. Like protein bar.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, like a Bodybuilder. What is a nitrogen bar?

[Casey Rocket]

That's not something.

[Redban]

That's just.

[Matt McCusker]

I mean, what's the joke? It's a fake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Matt McCusker]

There could be a protein bar called Nitrogen. Sounds exactly like a protein bar.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Matt Cohen]

I don't know.

[Casey Rocket]

It sounds like a stellar thing. Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you ever hit the oxygen bar at the boardwalk?

[Casey Rocket]

Where's that?

[Matt McCusker]

They used to sell oxygen at the boardwalk at the Jersey Shore.

[Redban]

Oh, okay. Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I've never been to the Jersey Shore. Have you ever done a vodka shot?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's like. They make it air.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, you breathe it in.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. Not the same thing.

[Matt McCusker]

You free base it.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

You freebase.

[Redban]

Yeah. You're like free basing.

[Matt McCusker]

I've done it.

[Casey Rocket]

That's more my speed. Oxygen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What if you.

[Casey Rocket]

What if it was straight up?

[Matt McCusker]

I didn't inhale the shot, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You faked it.

[Matt McCusker]

I faked it?

[Pedro Valenzuela]

Hell yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I went, oh, it's so cool. Guys are so drunk on oxygen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Well, Casey, what a great way to get the show started. You did it again. You're an absolute phenom. So much fun on the road. Can't wait to get you back out there. More makes noise for the great and powerful Casey. Thank you, guys.

[Redban]

So fun and like that, it has begun. I pulled the first name out of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the bucket and the show shall begin. How exciting.

[Redban]

This new 3D board. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut. Anything can happen at this spark. This is the craziest show in the world. Everybody else, when they do a podcast, they know who they're talking to. We have no idea. This is 60 seconds of stand up uninterrupted by Jackson Nami, everybody. Jackson Nami, perhaps.

[Jackson Nami]

Do you know what the problem with gay comics is? They're too fucking gay. Like, I'm gay, but you ain't ever gonna catch me skipping. My dad, when he found out I was gay, he took it pretty hard. He was like, jackson, are you gay? I said, I'm not gonna give you a straight answer. And then he came over. He was like, why you got knee pads but no Rollerblad? You know I'm gay, right? But I'm not an ally. Not an ally. I'm in the axis of powers. It's Germany and Ireland. And my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out I was gay. He took it real hard. He took it right on the chin. This black girl asked me if I say the N word. I said, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know the N word?

[Jackson Nami]

Like the stove. You gotta touch it at least Once

[Redban]

you gotta see that shit's hot you got.

[Jackson Nami]

All right, thanks, Jackson.

[Redban]

Namie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nami.

[William Montgomery]

Nami.

[Redban]

Nami.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to the show. Jackson, how long you been doing stand up?

[Jackson Nami]

Six fucking years, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Six fucking years, man. Incredible. Where at?

[Jackson Nami]

Houston, Texas. That's why I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, sure. That's why Houston. We know you love pumping for oil. I love it. So welcome Jackson. This is incredible for you, Matt. Your best friend Shane is the newest Bud Light spokesman. This was the one right before him.

[Matt McCusker]

He does look like one those newfangled trans school shooters, no doubt about it.

[Jackson Nami]

Liberal arts school shooter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Jackson, what do you do for a living?

[Jackson Nami]

I'm a. I work at a hair store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A hair store.

[Jackson Nami]

Old ladies come up to me, they're like, what can I do with my weave? I'm like, nothing about that mop on your head.

[Raul Vallejo]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're a bad hair salesman.

[Jackson Nami]

Geriatric.

[Matt McCusker]

Damn, dude, I love it.

[Angelo Seville]

Are you gay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope.

[Redban]

Keep dreaming, Jackson. Keep dreaming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll let you jerk off to the

[Redban]

podcast though, back at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So how often do you come to Austin to perform?

[Jackson Nami]

This is my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your first time? Wow. Six years in Houston, this is your first time coming to Austin? And you got pulled out of the bucket first? What are the fucking odds? You're a lucky little gay guy, aren't you? Tell us about some of your escapades. You said you're not that gay, but you seem gay as fuck.

[Jackson Nami]

I'm gay as the day is long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, and the day, it might be longer than any of us know. If that's how gay you are. It's like a 48 hour day right here. So tell us about it. What's the gayest thing you've ever done?

[Jackson Nami]

Suck dick.

[Redban]

Okay, well, I mean, fellatio. Okay, Yeah, I know what that is all over. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did what?

[Redban]

You sure you don't want to try it?

[Jackson Nami]

No, no, no, I'm positive you're not even HIV positive.

[Cam Patterson]

Or.

[Redban]

Yeah, keep dreaming again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're just really, really just.

[Redban]

You're so gay, dude. It's incredible. Usually I'm so gay on this show, but you came and you make me look like red band. You make me just look like a. Her bear. Yeah, exactly. I'm a manly man now. Jackson is here. So Jackson, what else do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else do you do? What do you do for fun when you're not being gay or doing stand up?

[Jackson Nami]

I just. I just cry a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you. What do you cry about?

[Jackson Nami]

This dude broke my heart. Mackenzie.

[Billy Swift]

Jewel.

[Jackson Nami]

Fuck you so bad.

[Redban]

Wow. You called him out by name.

[Matt McCusker]

Fuck you, mackenzie.

[Redban]

Yeah, Mackenzie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You fucking.

[Jackson Nami]

You made the biggest mistake of your life, pal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it. What did he do?

[Redban]

How did this go down? I want to know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want to know the fucking gay.

[Redban]

And we know he's gay, dude.

[Jackson Nami]

And, like, two gays don't necessarily make a.

[Casey Rocket]

A.

[Jackson Nami]

It's, you know.

[Redban]

We're both bottoms. We're both bottoms. Oh, you put the batteries in the wrong way. Yeah, we. Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the scissoring.

[Jackson Nami]

It just didn't much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Scissoring?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, the old ass to ass.

[Jackson Nami]

We're two catty bitches. It didn't work out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious. So how did it go down? He broke your heart?

[Jackson Nami]

He broke my fucking heart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did he do it? Tell us. How did the breakup happen? Via text?

[Jackson Nami]

No, we went to Orange, Texas, and came back and he was like, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

went to a place in Texas named after a fruit and you got broken up with?

[Redban]

I go.

[Jackson Nami]

Everywhere I go is named after fruit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right? You're tagging good jokes with bad jokes here.

[Redban]

You're knocking them down. You're knocking them down there, Jackson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So tell us how it went down. Did he tell you he took you to work?

[Jackson Nami]

I can't do this anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just.

[Jackson Nami]

I wish. I need somebody that will fuck me in the ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wouldn't fuck him in the ass.

[Jackson Nami]

I wanted to be fucked, man.

[Redban]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just like being fucked.

[Jackson Nami]

I just want to be fucked. I don't want to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you come?

[Matt McCusker]

Sounds like a good marriage.

[Redban]

Very hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you come hard while getting fucked.

[Jackson Nami]

If I think of gay shit, I come really hard. Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Redban]

I still don't really get how gay sex works, believe it or not. I know that sounds suspicious, but there's a G spot in your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it just comes out your penis

[Redban]

and then you come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What, you don't like touching or anything?

[Jackson Nami]

If you want to.

[Redban]

Okay, if you're making this harder than it has to be. Oh, my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jackson, have you ever been with a woman before?

[Jackson Nami]

It's a black girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how long ago was that?

[Redban]

Shut your ass up, Jackson.

[Jackson Nami]

Shut your ass up. She didn't like me, right?

[Matt McCusker]

Damn.

[Cam Patterson]

She did the right thing.

[Redban]

She did the right thing. Famously homophobic. D Madness on the attack. And he did. He got right in his face there for a second. I don't know if you saw that lean.

[Jackson Nami]

Oh, he's looking at my ass, but.

[Redban]

Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, D. You were nowhere close to his ass, by the way. Jackson, just up here no, no, D, stop reaching for it. You're not gonna get what you're looking for.

[Matt McCusker]

This is a trick to get in the ass. Keep that base out of here.

[Jackson Nami]

I like Stevie Wonder.

[Redban]

Come on. Okay. Jesus, Jackson. Okay, D. Relax. Relax. D. Jesus Christ. All right, Jackson. Fun times.

[Mike Ryan]

Times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations, Deep. Sit down, you crazy bastard. Jesus Christ.

[Redban]

He is. He does not like gay people. It's a thing. He's like a wild animal. It's like a. Like a bear can smell a woman.

[Casey Rocket]

Like, period.

[Redban]

He can smell semen in an. And he does not like it.

[Matt McCusker]

Got a lot of attitude, man. A lot of gay attitude.

[Redban]

Yeah, dude, you're real.

[Jackson Nami]

I like your YouTube special, special.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you, sir. This guy's not gay at all. Dude, My special was like conversion therapy. It just fucking.

[Redban]

You think I still have hope?

[Jackson Nami]

Like, I could. I can find the light.

[Matt McCusker]

I can absolutely. Dude.

[Jackson Nami]

Okay. Tell my dad that he.

[Redban]

At the end of the day, I'm your dad. Brown tunnel.

[Jackson Nami]

Ever since I've been gay, my dad just work on the fence all day, man. He don't even stop. It's not even broken. He just hate me.

[Matt McCusker]

He works on the fence. I'm gonna fuck him on the fence. I'm gonna fuck your dad. Don't worry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you, Jackson?

[Matt McCusker]

He's gonna get it.

[Jackson Nami]

23.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you still live with your parents?

[Jackson Nami]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay, nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what does your dad do for a living?

[Jackson Nami]

I don't fucking know.

[Redban]

You don't know what your dad does for a living? He.

[Jackson Nami]

I don't know, praised the gay away. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's. Okay.

[Redban]

I'll let you out of here, Jackson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Redban]

When they stop answering, that's when the fun ends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jackson caught the little joke book.

[Redban]

Not easy for a gay guy to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

cat, but he did it.

[Redban]

Your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Sumner, everybody. Gordon Sumner. Moving on to Gordon Sumner. Bucket pool number two. Oh, look, it's the great Heidi, everybody. I forgot to mention, we have a new member of the crew. Heidi Golzenig, everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might remember her from the New Year's Eve episode of Kill. Tony. There she goes.

[Redban]

Heidi, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We gotta get her out at a

[Redban]

better time, Producers, than when the comedian comes out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise one more time for Gordon Sumner, everybody.

[Redban]

Gordon Sumner.

[Gordon Sumner]

What's up, everybody? So I got a problem with Pete Davidson, okay? He's too tall, he's too good at comedy, and his dick is too big, okay? But you know what he proves? You can't be great at comedy. You can't be Tall and have a father. Anybody here do Jiu Jitsu?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[Redban]

You look like the kind of guy

[Gordon Sumner]

that does Jiu Jitsu. This guy right here.

[Redban]

Hold on,

[Gordon Sumner]

let me pause for a sec. You look like the kind of guy that does Jiu Jitsu. You do Jiu Jitsu? Oh, my God. I got a problem with Jiu Jitsu people, too, you know, because, first of all, it's very erotic of a sport. You're either a top or a bottom, right? You get this crazy cauliflower. Cauliflower eye, ear. And then if you ever want to fight one of these weirdos, they say,

[Redban]

all right, come

[Matt McCusker]

on.

[Angelo Seville]

That's my time.

[Redban]

There we go. Gordon Sumner. All right. We started the show with a gay

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

guy, and then a.

[Redban]

This is exciting. Oh, my God, Gordon. Absolutely terrible. Demanding to do crowd work with this tough guy in the front row. He said, do you do Jiu Jitsu? And the guy said, better than your comedy. You guys didn't get to hear that? But he got lit the upper by a Kill Tony fan in the front row. Be careful what you wish for. Trying to bring people into your set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Gordon Sumner]

I was scared. I was scared. I'm sorry for cutting you off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing stand up?

[Matt McCusker]

On and off?

[Gordon Sumner]

About six years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. On and off for six years. Oh, Matt McCusker.

[Matt McCusker]

So you've been focusing more on, like, selling Percocets? Like, what are you up to? You're dressed like every perk dealer I knew in the early 2000s.

[Redban]

No doubt about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you sell some kind of drugs?

[Redban]

I used to, yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of drugs did you sell?

[Gordon Sumner]

I can't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Gordon Sumner]

There's no cops here, right? Coke, weed.

[Matt McCusker]

Right on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, coke.

[Redban]

Okay, so you think there's a cop

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

here that's gonna get you for drugs that you used to sell?

[Matt McCusker]

Or do you still sell them?

[Redban]

Listen, I. I love the five.

[Matt McCusker]

Answer the question. Where were you last Friday?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It's like the. I think it's the hair dye job because it's, like, blonde, but it's not bleach blonde. It's like. It's like the.

[Redban]

The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like the. The concentrated lemon juice.

[Redban]

Remember when people used to.

[Matt McCusker]

He might be on the lamb right now. He's in disguise.

[Redban]

It's like Pony Boy from the Outsiders. There you go. Super topical reference for the young kids. Good God Almighty.

[Matt McCusker]

He's on the run from that eight ball he sold three years ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gordon, what do you do for a living now?

[Gordon Sumner]

I'm unemployed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was. What was the last job that you had.

[Gordon Sumner]

I used to drive trucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of trucks?

[Gordon Sumner]

Not quite a CDL level, but, like, below that. You know, U Hauls.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. What kind of trucks exactly? Describe the truck and what would be in the truck?

[Gordon Sumner]

It's a moving company, and it was below that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were a furniture mover. You moved furniture?

[Gordon Sumner]

I used to move furniture, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you call yourself a truck driver?

[Redban]

And you expected me to just move on with stealing valor?

[Matt McCusker]

Stealing valor from the truck driver.

[Redban]

That is extreme. Stolen valor. Unbelievable. I was a truck driver.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah. It was a really big minivan. I was driving that around, backed it into spaces. It wasn't a big deal.

[Gordon Sumner]

I could move. I could move a lot of boxes, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you get fired from the moving company or did you quit?

[Gordon Sumner]

I quit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long ago was this?

[Gordon Sumner]

This is like a year ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you've been unemployed for a year?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how do you survive? Describe to these people realistically.

[Redban]

Being honest.

[Gordon Sumner]

Genius. That's how.

[Redban]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Redban]

Very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how do you do it?

[Matt McCusker]

There's some officers here tonight, actually. There are some.

[Gordon Sumner]

I save money.

[Redban]

Then I just decided to save money while moving.

[Gordon Sumner]

Comedy. And, you know, I rap, too. I'm a rapper.

[Redban]

Oh, you're a rapper?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you really a rapper?

[Redban]

Tell Michael what kind of beat you want. Tell Michael and D Madness what kind of beat you want.

[Cam Patterson]

You got.

[Billy Swift]

You got.

[Gordon Sumner]

Forgot About Dre. You know how to.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Matt McCusker]

Forgot About Dre.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Forgot About Dre.

[Redban]

Matt Muling.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got that?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, dude.

[Redban]

One, two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One, two, three, four.

[Gordon Sumner]

It's a bunch of different R. And act like they forgot about Dre.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you just did what they did.

[Redban]

What you say? What is this, karaoke?

[Matt McCusker]

No, he's. Dude, he's doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He said you were a rapper. You just did an Eminem impression.

[Matt McCusker]

He's War and G. He's Warren G. He's Hooks only.

[Gordon Sumner]

I'm not bad.

[Redban]

I'm not bad.

[Matt McCusker]

Hooks only.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, you're not a rapper at all. You just did what they do.

[Gordon Sumner]

I just try to entertain, you know? I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're not a rapper?

[Gordon Sumner]

Try to make people laugh, you know, people smile.

[Matt McCusker]

That was sick. That was very funny.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Oh, so funny.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was just.

[Redban]

My mind is literally blowing.

[Gordon Sumner]

I do whatever it takes.

[Redban]

So good. Okay, well, you're doing nothing. You're lying. You just lied to us up here. I'm a rapper. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us a bead.

[Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then you just did it. Act like they forgot about Trey.

[Redban]

Like anybody can do that anybody, anybody can do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The, the, the, the, the chick from

[Redban]

Houston with her arms crossed can do that. Yeah, she's pissed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I can finally, finally woke her ass up. I can actually see the American flag. She has uncrossed her arms. Do you have any talent whatsoever in any field? Six years on and off of comedy. Your rap game is atrocious, Chris. You don't rap. Do you do anything? You saved up enough money moving furniture to survive. There's nothing to you.

[Matt McCusker]

This guy is just me. The more that I look at him like, dude, this is just me.

[Redban]

Five years old.

[Gordon Sumner]

I sing too, you know, I sing, I sing.

[Redban]

No, you don't. No one believes you. He said he can sing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yo, okay, thank you, thank you. Okay, there he goes, everybody.

[Redban]

We're gonna keep it moving along. There goes Gordon Summer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been on before? You got a little joke first time.

[Redban]

You do now? There he goes, Gordon Summer, everybody.

[Matt McCusker]

Good man.

[Redban]

Okay, we don't need to do that, but you have an open wound on your hand, by the way. He's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. Right on his knuckle. Okay?

[Matt McCusker]

He had a punch in the steering wheel. Cut this.

[Redban]

Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Billy Swift, everybody. Billy Swift.

[Billy Swift]

You guys, you guys think anybody's ever taken a Viagra recreationally? Like, no, no sexual purpose. Just a guy wakes up, he's like, I don't know, man, I want to look good today, you know, I think we should normalize that shit. You know, all these chicks getting half price coffees with their tits hanging out. I want to pop a Viagra and try buy a 2008 Toyota, you know? Oh, you sure you can't take 1500 off the price?

[Redban]

Well, how about now, big boy?

[Billy Swift]

You know what I mean? Three quarter chub. Get a quarter off the price. I, I'm recently single and I've recently I've realized that I like different things sexually. Now that I'm single, I've realized that I, I like to make girls queef. It's just kind of like the trumpets of victory to me, you know, Like, I start hearing that shit get to going, I start stomping my foot beating on her stomach, you know, turn her into Mumford and cunts, you know what I mean? All right, thank you everybody. That's been my time.

[Redban]

There he is, Billy Swift doing comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's our first, I believe, actual set

[Redban]

of the night from a human being.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, Billy. How long you been doing standup?

[Billy Swift]

About two and a half years now.

[Redban]

Two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Making the six year People look like one week people. Unbelievable. Billy. Matt.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought he did great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I was hoping you'd ask this guy if he did Jiu Jitsu. Right after saying Pete Davidson's dad died

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

two and a half years. Billy Swift. Where at?

[Billy Swift]

Orlando.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Orlando, Florida?

[Redban]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The home of the great Cam Patterson. You know Cam?

[Billy Swift]

Yes, sir. Yeah, we're pretty good friends. Went back like when I started. He was around the same time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How often do you come to Austin, Texas?

[Billy Swift]

Oh, I just moved here January 1st.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Congratulations.

[Billy Swift]

Thank you, sir.

[Matt McCusker]

Happy New Year too.

[Billy Swift]

Yeah, thanks, man. I appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, Billy?

[Billy Swift]

I install blinds or shades and D Madness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Be careful. He qualifies as both a blind and

[Redban]

a shade, if you know what I mean. We call them shades sometimes, these types of people, you know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not to be confused with Slim Shady, whose amazing music we just heard a moment ago. Billy Swift from Orlando. You moved here and you're installing blinds here?

[Billy Swift]

Yes, sir. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And everything's going good?

[Billy Swift]

Yeah, it's going great. Fucking love this city. It's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Austin, Texas? Tell these people watching from all around

[Billy Swift]

the world, the homeless are a lot like crazier here. I like that.

[Redban]

Than in Orlando.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, yeah?

[Billy Swift]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? What's crazier here than in Orlando? I was just in LA and I forgot they're different there. It all really depends, I think. What drugs are on the streets? A lot of people with blankets over their heads, publicly urinating San Francisco, shitting. They on the streets for some reason. Tell us about the Orlando homeless. What are they known for?

[Jackson Nami]

They're.

[Billy Swift]

They're fucking chill. I mean, they don't really do much, you know, they're more heroin guys. So they take naps and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, perfect, well rested people out there in the heat of Orlando.

[Billy Swift]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The most magical place on earth.

[Billy Swift]

I've never in Orlando. I lived there for six, seven years and I've. Then when I moved here, I've never seen a homeless pair of tits before I came here and I've. I've seen so many. They're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're a lot.

[Redban]

Yeah, they're not. They're not bad either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there you go.

[Matt McCusker]

Homeless hits.

[Redban]

If you clean them up a little, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Red band working on new material.

[Redban]

Hey, those tits aren't that bad, lady.

[Billy Swift]

You want to hop in my Tesla?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly.

[Redban]

Hop in the back with me. We'll let it dry.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Billy Swift]

You got a nice place, mister.

[Redban]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How you see her tits, huh?

[Matt McCusker]

How you See her tits?

[Billy Swift]

The homeless lady, she was just out putting them out. I mean, so one lady just wears a tutu. She's just running around, top and bottom showing. But that person, she likes that midsection covered up for some reason.

[Redban]

Her belly button.

[Billy Swift]

Yeah, I think it's a C section scar is what she's trying to hide. But she's fucking your guys city.

[Redban]

All right.

[Raul Vallejo]

I don't know.

[Billy Swift]

No, but then the other lady was wearing like a moo moo, and she just goes, ta da and fucking kept running down the road. Yeah, she was just making people's day. I think she just wanted to take

[R]

a day off, know.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

Just give back.

[Billy Swift]

Yeah, yeah, Just give back to the community, you know, y' all be giving me dollars.

[Redban]

And which is the one that you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

see, which is your home?

[Redban]

Is it the moomoo one? No, it's the one that's covering up her stomach.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I've seen that one.

[Billy Swift]

That's the one you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought yours was the moomoo, since you respond to that kind of language. Cuz you're a cow.

[Redban]

I got it.

[William Montgomery]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Billy Swift, what do you do for fun when you're not installing blinds or doing stand up?

[Billy Swift]

I used to train mma and so I.

[Redban]

Really?

[Billy Swift]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Oh, my God. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wouldn't have guessed that. Mma.

[Mike Ryan]

What were you.

[Matt McCusker]

The bag.

[Billy Swift]

Oh, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Just kidding, bro.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of MMA did you specialize in?

[Billy Swift]

No, I mean, like, I. I started doing jiu jitsu and Muay Thai and then transitioned into MMA once I got older. But I went into. I wrestled in high school, did all that kind of stuff. I would had one professional fight or one amateur fight, how that knocked the guy out by 52 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You knocked him out in 52 seconds and then you retired?

[Redban]

Yep.

[Billy Swift]

Undefeated.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Billy Swift]

You know, I'm out.

[Redban]

You're like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If Khabib was a.

[Redban]

Okay, that was a fat person MMA joke right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If Khabib was a kebab, he retired undefeated. Khabib retired undefeated.

[Redban]

Kebab.

[Billy Swift]

Come on, laugh, people, laugh.

[Redban]

Food kebab.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love it. So what made you retire after only one fight?

[Redban]

I do.

[Billy Swift]

I just got burnt out, man. I was doing construction and then. And I trained from like fourth grade. My dad was a professional fighter, so he always had me training with him. And then I started from fourth grade, wrestled all the way through high school, took it seriously, and then I got old and just decided to stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a shame the first bucket pool's father wasn't a professional fighter. You know, What?

[Redban]

I mean, that guy be straight as an arrow right now.

[Cam Patterson]

Really gay guy.

[William Montgomery]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[R]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like, Billy Swift? You talked a lot about doing Viagra, having a boner, Whether you ever do that, that you know that gay guys can come from the bottom position without touching their penis at all. It's like a magician trick or something.

[Redban]

They just get. And they get hard and they come.

[Billy Swift]

That's a weird Wim Hof method.

[Redban]

That's how I feel. That's how I feel. How do you think I feel? I'm hosting the show. I found out in front of a million people that that's how these guys come. I'm like, how do you come? He's like, what do you mean by getting in the ass? I'm like, what?

[Billy Swift]

You're saying you didn't know where the prostate was?

[Redban]

I swear to God, I didn't know. I thought there has to be something, right? Yeah, sure.

[Matt McCusker]

You've never heard of a dude getting milked before? Dudes can get milked.

[Billy Swift]

Yeah, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Billy Swift]

This is the weirdest ploy. Dude, I know you're lying, all right? You know exactly what we're talking about right now.

[Redban]

Everyone knows. He's like, no gay guys. I had no idea.

[William Montgomery]

What?

[Redban]

I'm so busy eating, I have no clue. Yeah, dude.

[Matt McCusker]

Well, now you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now you know, Billy Swift. I didn't. I don't remember. What'd you say your love life's like?

[Billy Swift]

It's. It's nothing right now. I was in a long term relationship before I moved from Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you broke up with her to move here?

[Billy Swift]

No, but it just ended up happening that way. I was like, what else do I have to stay in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You took her to Orange, Texas and told her it's not working out.

[Billy Swift]

Just opened up the minivan door, literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been with a girl since you've been in Austin?

[Billy Swift]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you kissed a girl since you've been in Austin?

[Billy Swift]

No.

[Redban]

Really? Well, you know, we have a little history on this show. We have some of the best female fans in the world on this comedy show. They know how to play along. So if there's any girl out there that wants to come give this very funny man his first Austin kiss. Let's do it. You guys think we should? Huh? There's the red light. Anybody out there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody?

[Raul Vallejo]

Yes.

[Billy Swift]

No.

[Redban]

This girl will come on up. Don't. Don't milk it. I just learned what milking was.

[Billy Swift]

All the way down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. She's actually pretty good looking girl.

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah. Billy Swift's about to get a deal on a car. Oh, yeah, man. Oh, my goodness. All right. Yo, don't look at my. Oh, my God. Oh, Billy Swift getting his first Austin kiss. Here we go. Oh, oh. Oh. That was a weak kiss. That was. That was a very weak kiss. Come on, give him a real kiss. Wow, look at that. Unbelievable. He went from MMA to HPV that quick, everybody. Absolutely incredible.

[Matt McCusker]

Touch my shoulder.

[Raul Vallejo]

Hell yeah, dude. Hell yeah, dude.

[Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you feel, Billy? Your first Austin kiss?

[Billy Swift]

Her lipstick tasted good or whatever the. That was. That's pretty all right. That was all right.

[Redban]

That was an open cold sore, my friend.

[Billy Swift]

The Austin special, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sweet sensation. That's a little. You gotta risk it for the brisket, you know. Billy, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go?

[Billy Swift]

I used to have a tit. I used. I used to have one titty.

[Redban]

Explain to us more.

[Billy Swift]

When I used to be a fat kid. And then I hit puberty and I thought, like, a cool way to, like, show people I'm fucking tough is to get titty twisters and not, like, flinch. So I just stand there and fucking take that shit. And it gave me, like, calcium deposits, pretty much cauliflower here in my tit. And. Yo, it was a handful of people. That shit was. It was nice. My nickname was Uno Bresto all through middle school.

[Redban]

Do you do jokes about that?

[Billy Swift]

No, not yet.

[Redban]

No. You have to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[Billy Swift]

It seems made up, though. You know what I mean? Like, when I tell I have pictures, it's great. It's crazy.

[Matt McCusker]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

I would love to have you on

[Redban]

the secret show Thursday. There you go.

[Billy Swift]

Thank you so much.

[Redban]

You just got a real gig and a big joke book. Welcome to Austin, Texas. That's Billy Swift, everybody. First good bucket pull set of the night. He is originally from Orlando, Florida, and so is your next comedian. An absolute thunderstorm every single weekend with me on the road doing giant theaters. He goes up right before me. He's a freak of nature. Constantly getting better. He works it out right here. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

Billy just kissed my dick. All right, that's a dick sucking joke. All right, let's get it started. I. I don't do crowd work no more. Shows Somebody it up for y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Cam Patterson]

I was doing a show one time and I asked the guy said, man, what you do for work? He was like, I.

[William Montgomery]

Your mother.

[Cam Patterson]

Every Tuesday and Thursday her was bad. And my whole set went straight downhill. I had no response. For that bullshit. Cause listen, the first part, okay? You know what I'm saying? Fuck my mama.

[Raul Vallejo]

Cool.

[Cam Patterson]

You feel me? But her pussy being bad, that's some fucked up shit. Sir, I would like to. My mama got great pussy. That's what I would like to think. I don't know. But I would like to think that I also have a good pussy theory. Hear me out, all right? I think if you got good. If you have good pussy, your kids got. You got good hair. That's what that is. If your mama got good pussy, you got good hair. Like you ma'.

[Billy Swift]

Am.

[Cam Patterson]

Mama had good pussy.

[Raul Vallejo]

You, sir.

[Cam Patterson]

Your mama had good pussy. That nigga bald. So. You tell me, baby.

[Redban]

All right.

[Cam Patterson]

One more time.

[Redban]

Exactly one minute. Boom, boom, boom. That is how you do it. Cam Patterson has done it again, man. Unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

New minute. Welcome.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Redban]

We doing it so y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, we are. D Madness is smiling because you're straight.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Casey Rocket]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I got you. I got your back. D Madness. No more games. But I love gay people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you gonna say?

[Mike Ryan]

John D. Has good hair and Matt doesn't.

[Jason Vest]

Damn.

[Redban]

Oh, shit.

[Cam Patterson]

Your mama a slut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the rules, baby.

[Redban]

I don't know what to tell you. Dims the rules. Dems the rules, indeed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you come up with this theory, Cam? This is interesting research.

[Cam Patterson]

I thought to myself, nobody, nobody want their mama to have bad pussy. You know what I'm saying? And I got good hair. So I just wanted to make sure that I made me know my mama got good pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Cam Patterson]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That means. That actually makes total sense.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you think. Do you think guys with big dicks have daughters with huge pussies?

[Cam Patterson]

Yes.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay, fair enough. Gotcha.

[Cam Patterson]

Yep. That's. That sound logic right up.

[Billy Swift]

That makes sense.

[Matt McCusker]

I was just curious.

[Cam Patterson]

That makes sense. Trust me. I'm a scientist. I know. Like this. Yes, that's correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. It's. We've done more research into the hair.

[Redban]

Pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big dick.

[Redban]

Big pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do believe we've done more research

[Redban]

than they did on the COVID vaccine already, so this is very exciting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anthony Fauci's watching.

[Redban]

His mind's blown who that is.

[Matt Cohen]

Who the is that?

[Cam Patterson]

They got a cool ass name that sound like a character in a cartoon or something.

[Redban]

That's hard.

[Cam Patterson]

That's a good ass name. I don't know what he did, but hey, I like his name, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, if you don't know how to spell it.

[Redban]

Yeah, that's a good how you spell it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

F A U. UCI call my dad.

[Matt Cohen]

He'll get it.

[Redban]

Cam's dad famously can't spell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He shows up on the road all the time.

[Redban]

He is so much fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Such a cool guy. And he had his feet out. I was roasting his feet. He has these crazy, crazy toes.

[Cam Patterson]

My dad got the worst toes in the world. Me.

[Redban]

My.

[Cam Patterson]

Me and my dad both had bad toes. My mama would always say if he ever said I'm not by his kids, she would take my feet out.

[Redban]

Right? Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Look, you guys have same toes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you are.

[Redban]

You are a man of many talons.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah, man.

[Cam Patterson]

When I tell you, right? If I ever. Like, if I can't, I can't play footsie with women in the bed.

[Redban]

That's. Oh, my God. That's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now that I've seen your dad's feet,

[Redban]

it makes total sense. Like, what's wrong with your toes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They have, like, Freddy Krueger, Kruger style.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, my toe like knives.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

My toe. Like, I really. I really. Somebody on my toes, dog. Like, oh, I got. I got, like, talents. You feel what I'm saying?

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

It's bad. It's not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's like Edward Scissor feet.

[Redban]

Yeah, they're just sharp piggies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like.

[Redban]

Like, that's what they are. They're like pointy wolves.

[Cam Patterson]

Dog, piggy, sound gate. I got. I got wolves for feet, but I love gay people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That's true.

[Matt McCusker]

It's funny. His face twitches every time I can see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, the lovely Heidi is here. I believe that is a water for Matt McCus.

[Redban]

Thanks for Heidi, everybody.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Appreciate it. She's on Instagram at Gina with three A's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hg for those of you that, like a Instagram handle that is also a WI FI password. Hard to figure out, but I'm sure you Internet people will find her with great ease. Cam, what else is going on? Anything else crazy?

[Redban]

This.

[Cam Patterson]

I like her titties.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[Cam Patterson]

Good titties. Good titties.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[Redban]

That is absolutely spot on

[Cam Patterson]

this week. Now, this is on the road, too. You feel?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, I got distracted.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. Just on the road, too. You know what I'm saying?

[Redban]

Running around.

[Cam Patterson]

Shit. Been fun, man. I had a three strike something. Hey.

[Redban]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't know.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, awesome.

[Billy Swift]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

For the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that go?

[Cam Patterson]

It was. It was.

[Raul Vallejo]

It was.

[Cam Patterson]

It was terrible. I hated it. I did not like it at all.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why?

[Cam Patterson]

One of the girls, they know how to share. She wasn't a good sharer.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah, she ain't.

[Cam Patterson]

She A know how to do that to it. She must have been the only child or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Cam Patterson]

I ain't like that. I ain't like that at all. It wasn't fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'm sure we're going to hear

[Redban]

more about that in the near future.

[Cam Patterson]

No, I won't. I won't talk about it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Mike Ryan]

Nope.

[Cam Patterson]

Reddit going to kill me. I don't play with them. Hey, I don't play them on Reddit, but I. I'll murder somebody grandma about that.

[Billy Swift]

You feel what I'm saying?

[Matt McCusker]

Why the threesome? Why would you murder.

[Cam Patterson]

No, no, see, if I do it, if I do it again as a real joke, people get upset with me.

[Redban]

Yeah, they get. These Internet dorks are unbelievably unhearded. A joke. He did a joke. In this interview, I was still imagining

[Matt McCusker]

you naked with two women. I lost the fucking thing.

[Cam Patterson]

That was fun though. It was fun. You know the crazy thing about the threesome, Right? So I explained it to my homeboy. I was like. Well, he said I had to go. And I was like, well, you know, I would go to one room and one of them, then I go to the other room and the other one, and then he was like that. One of threesome. They ran a train on you. And.

[Matt McCusker]

That's hilarious.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't like that too, man.

[Redban]

That wasn't fun.

[Cam Patterson]

Now that I think about it, that sound pretty gay to me.

[Redban]

I don't know.

[Cam Patterson]

I love gay people.

[Redban]

Cam Patterson, you did it again. Another amazing minute. A perfect example of what a regular on this show does. Make some noise for Cam, everybody. Come on, Cam Patterson. There you go. All right. Onward we go. Back to the bucket where things can get dangerous real quick. This is 60 seconds. Seconds for Angelo Seville, everyone. Here we go. Angelo Seville.

[Angelo Seville]

I thought I got molested one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else?

[Angelo Seville]

I just found out my dog's gay. You know, I got him from the shelter and I started to think he was gay because he kept doing a lot of gay. But what confirmed my suspicions was I took him out, I fed him and

[Redban]

I left to work.

[Angelo Seville]

But when I got home, I opened the door and he was sitting on the couch. And this time the peanut butter was on his nuts. So I did it that one time. But you know, I'm getting rid of him now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not cause he's gay.

[Angelo Seville]

I'm not getting rid of him because he's gay. That'd be fucked up. I'm getting rid of him because I

[William Montgomery]

was gone for work for a couple

[Angelo Seville]

weeks and I got home earlier than expected. And when I got home, he was

[Redban]

fucking a black dude.

[Angelo Seville]

Dude. So you can't. Can't have that, man. One last thing, though. One last thing. They say chicks dig scars, but you don't see burn victims getting a lot of.

[Redban]

Thank you, Angelo Sebel. The amazing thing was that you were getting laughter. Somehow I'm not exactly sure how in

[Angelo Seville]

the world I thought it was funny

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

any of that was, but I guess so. But a wise observation. Burn victims not getting a ton of pussy. Yeah. So, Angelo, how long you been doing stand up?

[Angelo Seville]

A little over a year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Angelo Seville]

I started about an hour north of here up in Temple. Come down to Austin occasionally, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What do you do for a living?

[Angelo Seville]

I'm in the Army.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do in the army?

[Angelo Seville]

I'm a medic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Have you served overseas?

[Angelo Seville]

I went to Kuwait, but that was mainly just like standing around in the desert. It wasn't really anything cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're still Kuwaiting for a punchline.

[Redban]

So we're just standing around in the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

desert because there's not much happening in Kuwait anymore.

[Angelo Seville]

Not at all? No.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The war ended there a while ago. So why did they send a medic to Kuwait?

[Angelo Seville]

Wait, it was during the pull out of Afghanistan, so there's a lot of refugees going there, but they. The Kuwaiti government didn't want them there, so they sent them away as soon as I got there. So I played a lot of volleyball.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You played volleyball?

[Cam Patterson]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

Desert volleyball?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Little sand between your toes?

[Gordon Sumner]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What else do you do, Angelo?

[Angelo Seville]

I like to paint.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Angelo Seville]

Paint a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gay?

[Redban]

No. Why do you say it like that? Because. Because I'm not.

[Matt McCusker]

I've never heard someone say, I'm not gay. Because I'm not.

[Redban]

I'm not.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude, we believe you. Dude, we believe you. Nobody thinks you're gay.

[Redban]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Redban]

Angelo, what's your love life like with the ladies?

[Angelo Seville]

No, I'm actually married to.

[Redban]

To a woman. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redban]

I have a child.

[Matt McCusker]

The perfect disguise.

[Redban]

Yeah. It's all one big muse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Angelo Seville]

It's just a big disguise.

[Redban]

How old's the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm asking what you said. How old is the kid?

[R]

She's four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She is four. Okay. You spend a lot of time with her?

[Billy Swift]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your favorite thing about fatherhood?

[Angelo Seville]

You know, I think. I don't think I've had a normal, like, fatherhood. My child has special needs. But it's pretty. It's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, tell us about the special needs of your father.

[Angelo Seville]

So she is a she. Has a rare genetic disorder called Prater Willie Syndrome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's it called?

[Angelo Seville]

Prater Willie Syndrome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

T, R, A, T, E, R, P,

[Redban]

R, A, D, E, R, D, E,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

R. There you go. You could do something. I'm gonna look this up. Prater Willy W, I, L, L, Y.

[Angelo Seville]

Ends in an I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It ends in an I, as in. Oh, there it is. Okay, let's look at images here. This is what I want. Oh, it's headshots of red band. Disgusting. Okay, so it's a genetic disorder that causes obesity, intellectual disability, and shortness in height. Do you also suffer from this?

[Redban]

Yes.

[Angelo Seville]

I thought she got it from me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So she's like a little. She's like a little. Like a little ball, kind of.

[Angelo Seville]

So it's such, like, a spectrum thing. She doesn't really have the obesity part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not yet. Yeah, not yet.

[Angelo Seville]

But she. But she is intellectually behind so far for four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay, so she's four years old. What is she supposed to be doing that she can't do at 4?

[Angelo Seville]

Like, speaking full sentences and stuff. It's kind of just like, little words here and there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Part of it.

[Angelo Seville]

Like, there's some similar symptoms with, like, autism. So she's kind of, like, socially delayed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you ever curse God because of what happened to your daughter?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Angelo Seville]

For a little bit, I was like, fuck, dude. Like, why? But now she's cool. She's super awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's awesome. What kind of games do you play with her?

[Redban]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mainly she likes, like, being pushed down the stairs.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Redban]

Shut up. Shut up. What, are you guys at the Serious Show?

[Mike Ryan]

No.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of games does she like?

[Angelo Seville]

She just likes, like, rough housing.

[Raul Vallejo]

Really?

[Matt Cohen]

Like, I.

[Angelo Seville]

She likes being, like, picked up and, like.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thrown around and then she giggles. Yeah. I love it.

[Matt McCusker]

Who's. Who's Prater Willie? Who's it named after?

[Angelo Seville]

I think, like, a Swedish guy.

[Matt McCusker]

It's crazy.

[Gordon Sumner]

Who.

[Matt McCusker]

Like, when you get the named after you, that's like. I'm kind of jealous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is an interesting.

[Redban]

It's very.

[Angelo Seville]

It's named after, like, the person that. That discovered it. But I feel like it should be named after the first person that had it.

[Matt McCusker]

That's what I'm saying.

[Gordon Sumner]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Prader Willie.

[Redban]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Fame, Hungry Doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Oh, Name it after me.

[Matt McCusker]

That's a tight legacy, though.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how old was she when they made this diagnosis?

[Angelo Seville]

A little over a month. Month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How were they able to tell so quickly?

[Angelo Seville]

She wasn't moving at all.

[Redban]

Wow. She just kind of laid there.

[Angelo Seville]

She was Just kind of like there. Like something's not right. So we gotta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Angelo Seville]

We gotta find out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn, that is incredible. And you're still with. Yeah. You're with your wife. What does she do?

[Angelo Seville]

She stays at home with the. With our daughter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I mean, it seems like that'd be a pretty easy babysitting job, though, since she doesn't move around.

[Angelo Seville]

Yeah, well, actually, now she's. She's all over the place. Place. But.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Angelo Seville]

She's doing good now. Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's good. Congratulations. That's fun. What else do you do for fun, Angelo?

[Angelo Seville]

I do this stand up, like, to shoot paint.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you shoot? Gel blasters?

[Angelo Seville]

Shooting ropes? No, not guns. You know, like a straight guy would do.

[Redban]

Yes, yes. There you go. Now he has proven his straightness. It wasn't the child. It wasn't the. Now that you shoot guns, we know

[Matt McCusker]

it's a battle nurse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Redban]

An army of one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, Angelo. So one year in stand up comedy were. That was. You think that's your best minute?

[Angelo Seville]

I think that was the most, like, punch lines I could pack into one minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, think. All right. How often do you get to perform?

[Angelo Seville]

I was doing it for, like, four or five times a week for a while, but the past two months I haven't done any.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why.

[Angelo Seville]

So I just bought a house and then we. I've just been busy with work and that, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, work. And you're still in the army?

[Redban]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do they make you do here?

[Jackson Nami]

It's.

[Billy Swift]

It's.

[Angelo Seville]

It's pretty, like, lame, actually. I know when there's no. Like, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been trying to get.

[Angelo Seville]

There's no war or anything going on. You just kind of like, count stuff, make sure everything's still there and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Matt McCusker]

I hope we can find a war for you. That'd be nice.

[Redban]

Exactly.

[Matt McCusker]

We might have a good one coming up soon. That'd be nice.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Get you out there. I don't want you being bored,

[Redban]

but you're, like, ready to go, huh? So if we do go to war, you're the medic?

[Angelo Seville]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

It's awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Matt McCusker]

All right, well, thanks for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, thanks for being a medic.

[Matt McCusker]

Appreciate it.

[Angelo Seville]

No problem, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A real stream. Anthony Seal.

[Redban]

There's a little joke book, my friend. There he goes. Angelo Seal, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving along here. You guys having fun out there? All right, make some noise for your next comedian. Mike Ryan, everybody. Mike Ryan is next on Kal, Tony,

[Mike Ryan]

How's everybody feeling tonight? I was feeling pretty Good. To this gay comic back there, he said, I'm dressed like fat Forrest Gump. His name was Jackson Nami. So I don't know if you guys can tell by my general demeanor or my fashion sense sense, but I go to a lot of strip clubs. Recently I went to the Yellow Rose. Right? Yeah. I heard about it on the show, wanted to go check it out. I actually saw a blind guy there. I was like, damn, dude, it's probably cheaper listening to Akon at home. He was singing really loud. He was like, I see you winding and grinding up on that pole. I was like, no, you don't. I felt pretty bad, though, because he threw like 600 singles at the cigarette machine.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Make some noise for Mike Ryan, everybody. Very fun performance.

[Mike Ryan]

Thank you, guys.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was fantastic. That blind strip club Akon joke. Absolutely incredible. One of my favorites of the night. How long you been doing stand up?

[Mike Ryan]

Four months.

[Redban]

Four months?

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Wow. This is a very backwards episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So literally the two worst sets of the night were the two guys that have been doing it six years. The next next best set was two and a half years. And you're four months with.

[Gordon Sumner]

Yeah.

[Mike Ryan]

So I worked with a guy and he told me about this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Mike Ryan]

I'm a logistics coordinator in the refineries in Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Ryan]

He told me. He told me about this show and I started watching it. I fell in love. I just started. Right. In a minute. I. I started going to the Secret group in Houston. Shout out to Seeker group.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we love this Secret.

[Mike Ryan]

Shout out to Andrew Youngblood. I appreciate. Produces podcasts now, and it's the mess hall podcast. Check it out. Sorry to plug a podcast on here.

[Redban]

We know Andrew.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah. Secret group is amazing. We. I just saw Andrew open for Mark Norman in Houston as well, and it was great, man. So I just. I fell in love with comedy from watching this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Redban]

I love it. Absolutely.

[Mike Ryan]

I've signed up multiple times. Times, and every time that I've signed up, somebody that rode with me got pulled. So we'll load in. Trey Campbell's a good friend of mine as well. Like, he's been one. Yeah. He's been one of the guys that's helped me out a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Ryan]

I recently had him in my podcast as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How old are you?

[Mike Ryan]

I am 36.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

36. What's your living situation? So I get that.

[Redban]

I get like barn or shed vibes from you.

[Mike Ryan]

No, I have a house.

[Matt McCusker]

House?

[Redban]

Your own house?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, I have a house. Well, so when My wife left. I moved in a roommate, but. Cuz I didn't want to live alone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But okay. How long ago did you like me now?

[Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Angelo Seville]

There you go.

[Redban]

Big winner. Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Redban]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when did your wife leave you?

[Mike Ryan]

She left in June. So I got married in October and then she left in June the next year. I waited 35 years to get married. I'm like, I'm never getting married married. I met her, fell head over heels, we got married, and six months later I came home. She's like, I don't want to be

[Matt McCusker]

married to you anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why didn't she want to be married to you anymore? What's the real reason? Did the.

[Mike Ryan]

So my best friend and best man, he actually died on my wedding day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second. So.

[Mike Ryan]

So I just kind of emotionally shut down immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. How did he die on your wedding day?

[Mike Ryan]

He was murdered.

[Redban]

He was murdered on your wedding day?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where was your wedding?

[Mike Ryan]

He got shot two days before and he died an hour before the Salem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't reschedule the wedding?

[Mike Ryan]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your best man got shot two days before?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, well, I went to the hospital and they told me it was going to be fine. And then when they went to do the second surgery to close him up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

I thought it happened at the wedding. That'd be like a live clue event. Like who done it? All right, bro.

[Mike Ryan]

Houston's hood is. Dude, like, I don't know if you know know about Houston, man, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, you know, that's why a lot of people that live in Houston keep their arms crossed so that they have a natural.

[Redban]

A natural shield to bullets. Did they find the murderer?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, they never found out who shot him. What was he involved with to.

[Mike Ryan]

He owned a. A very successful recording studio and he was recording some rappers and he left to go to the store. Apparently some guys inside, some alternate crews got into it. They had a shootout in the studio. He pulled up in the driveway and they thought that he was like this other person coming back or something. That's. That's as much as I can assume that happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Country singers, right?

[Mike Ryan]

No, I'm not gonna say the rapper's name, but one day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why won't you say the rapper's name?

[Mike Ryan]

Well, I'm not gonna implicate somebody if I don't know for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think that a rapper shot your best friend?

[Mike Ryan]

I think it's somebody and his posy, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, this is all so interesting.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got a song.

[Mike Ryan]

I love you, Tony A.

[Redban]

You're sweet.

[Mike Ryan]

Hey, Jackson. Loves you too, boy. Man, he rode with me. Jackson rode with Nami. Yeah, he rode with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you guys are friends?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, we're from Houston's tight knit, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Houston's hell yeah.

[Redban]

Well, Houston comedy, his is not tight knit at all. Yeah, let me tell you, I know from experience. You know what I'm learning? How do you think you got the spot, bro?

[Mike Ryan]

This is so surreal right now. Literally, this was my only goal in comedy. I only prepared minutes. I do five minute mics, but I just do five one minute sets and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Well, here you are. You're doing it. I love that. So you. Your wife left you. You emotionally shut down.

[Mike Ryan]

She's bringing that back.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you communicated with it with her at all?

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah, she texted me today. Yeah, no, we're still friends. Like, that's the thing is she. She's younger. And when she said that she didn't want to be with me, I loved her enough to let her go. Like, I didn't want her to be unhappy and just stay with me just to do it. She's got her whole life ahead of her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a sweet man. Look at you. You incredible.

[Matt McCusker]

Guess what? If she comes back, she's yours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's true. That's what they say. If they come back. If they come back, it's time to kick your roommate out. You have any other. You have so much charisma. You do other things on stage. You have any other special skills?

[Mike Ryan]

I used to be in. I used to be a rapper.

[Redban]

No way. Please, no, you got to be.

[Mike Ryan]

I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

[Redban]

You got to be clapping. Kidding.

[Mike Ryan]

So I. I rapped over dubstep. This was when.

[Redban]

Not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You forgot about Dre.

[Mike Ryan]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

No.

[Mike Ryan]

So. So, so when. When dubstep first became popular, I was one of the promoters in Houston that was doing dubstep shows, and I also emceed over it, and I had a fairly successful local career. Played on a few festivals, stuff like that. But, yeah, you would never believe by looking at me, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We absolutely have to get at least.

[Redban]

Least a sample. You can improvise. If you don't do good, it's okay

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

because we know we're just putting you on the spot. The whole thing's improvise. 1, 2, 3, 4. Next.

[Matt McCusker]

Dumb step

[Mike Ryan]

rhymes be subliminal I used to be a criminal but now I'm hopping on this mic I'm golden like the mineral so take it like it's literal Real talk, real walk if a haters talking his Body's lined in white chalk.

[Redban]

That was amazing,

[Mike Ryan]

bro. I know. I this. So this entire get up, right? I've been growing the mullet out to get on this show. This whole.

[Redban]

Just to be on the show.

[Mike Ryan]

This is not me, bro. Bro, this is not me. I'm hood dog. I don't know what to tell you, bro. Like, like my hands are tattooed, man. I don't know what to tell you, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it.

[Mike Ryan]

Ace, down, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. This is incredible. You do have tattooed hands.

[Mike Ryan]

Ace, sound till I drown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Ryan]

We almost did in Harvey, too, man.

[Redban]

You almost drowned in the hurricane.

[Mike Ryan]

It was bad, bro. It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Matt McCusker]

We lost.

[Mike Ryan]

Bunch of my friends lost their houses.

[Redban]

It's not that funny. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. But you didn't lose your house.

[Mike Ryan]

Nah, nah, nah.

[Matt McCusker]

Just his wife.

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the flood, she floated on down the river.

[Mike Ryan]

It's all right, though, dude, because I feel like I'm going to do all right with the ladies when this.

[Matt McCusker]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Redban]

Dude, yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

No doubt. Wow.

[Redban]

You know, Trey is on the secret show Thursday, if you want to take a ride up with him and do your five minutes. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Mike Ryan. And you're leaving with a big joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there he is.

[Mike Ryan]

Thank you. Hey, thank you, bro.

[Redban]

Mike Ryan. You did it, dude. Very exciting. Well, he's been doing it for four months. We have four years. Anthony Seal, or wait one year, two

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and a half years from Billy Swift, six years from Gordon Sumner, six years

[Redban]

from Jackson Nani or nanny. But there was a guy on a few weeks ago who debuted on this show. He did his very first minute ever wrote a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely crushed and crushed throughout the interview.

[Redban]

And I told him when he has another minute ready to come back to the show. So this is the second ever time on stage, the second ever minute from returning guests. This is the return of Carlos Lopez, everybody.

[Raul Vallejo]

Howdy. Well, my name is Carlos and my pronouns are ye and hall. They try to cancel me for that. Well, she.

[Redban]

It's.

[Raul Vallejo]

I have a fascination with nature's leftovers. There's something about single moms that just gets my juices flowing. I volunteer to fuck a sex robot for AI research purposes. I'm proud to say that not only does artificial intelligence finally understand human emotions, but I'm the one that tied the feeling of disappointment. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beats one after the other. Carlos Lopez, with a grand total of two minutes, has had two rock solid minutes. How do you feel, Carlos?

[Raul Vallejo]

Incredible, man. Thank you for Having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have so much swagger to you, so much cadence. Such a powerful presence on stage. You drive horses around in an actual truck, not one of these furniture muers. You're a real cowboy out there lugging around horses. Tell us more.

[Redban]

More.

[Raul Vallejo]

I just live on the road, man. I'm been blessed to see the whole country. And most people where I grew up, they don't ever leave town, much less see everything I get to see. And I'm just blessed, man. I've been a good life.

[Redban]

There you go. God loves white people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Carlos, you mentioned having a. A love for single mothers. What is it about single mothers that you like so much? What is it? Can you always tell when they're single?

[Raul Vallejo]

Well, I know they put out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's actually a good. Yeah, yep, great answer.

[Raul Vallejo]

They're very loving and nurturing. I could use that in my life, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're out there taking care of the horses, God damn it. Time for someone to take care of you.

[Raul Vallejo]

Yeah. And if they're shitty moms, I don't have to worry about them sticking around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Absolutely. They'll leave you even after your best friend gets murdered on your wedding day. That's how it works. That is how it works, people. This is real life.

[Matt McCusker]

True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Carlos, you ever been married?

[Raul Vallejo]

Hell, no.

[Redban]

Hell, no.

[Raul Vallejo]

Just out here hauling horses, slang a dick, and dodging babies.

[Redban]

There he is. There it is. Oh, we. We woke him up.

[Cam Patterson]

Goddamn.

[Redban]

Damn it.

[Matt McCusker]

Dude. How did the cowboy community take Brokeback Mountain? Were you guys pissed or like. Like, does it happen up there if you're out there with your boy for, like, too long? You guys get cattle fever?

[Raul Vallejo]

Hell, no. I run in a cell barn if I have to. Before that. Hell, no.

[Matt McCusker]

Did you ever, you know. Do you ever see the movie?

[Raul Vallejo]

Oh, it's very poetic.

[Redban]

Yeah,

[Matt McCusker]

that's a perfect answer.

[Raul Vallejo]

Hey, the best. The best line is after they. He's like, well, I ain't gay. He's like, I ain't either. Like, y' all just buff in the mountains.

[Carlos Lopez]

Leon.

[Raul Vallejo]

Br. You already there.

[R]

You're Leon.

[Raul Vallejo]

Bracing,

[Matt McCusker]

solid.

[Redban]

I never saw it. I started it once, and I got

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

so hard that I passed out. So

[Redban]

all the blood. All the blood left my brain, and I just. I was smitten,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know?

[Redban]

That movie just made me want to go eat a. You know what I mean? There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Carlos, you're a real manly man. You're filled with testosterone. It's absolutely incredible. What's the manliest thing you've Ever done, you think? Just give it. Take a second.

[Raul Vallejo]

I love a woman.

[Redban]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Raul Vallejo]

I don't. I don't know. I guess just handling livestock by hand, you know. Yeah, that'll do. Some rank ass livestock.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the most feminine thing you've ever done?

[Raul Vallejo]

Watch Brokeback Mountain.

[Redban]

That'll do it

[William Montgomery]

so quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, he is lightning quick. We absolutely love you. You're so straight. That d. Madness has a fondness for you too. He can feel it in the air. Carlos, what's your living situation, man?

[Raul Vallejo]

I live on the road, so I got a place I call home at the moment in Corpus Christi, Texas and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Raul Vallejo]

I'm never. I'm never anywhere for too long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God, you're so cool. Everything's like a.

[Redban]

It's unbelievable.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never anywhere for too long. God. Unbelievable. You talked to the horses? Sometimes.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Raul Vallejo]

The best conversations ever had.

[Matt McCusker]

God damn, dude.

[Raul Vallejo]

They operate off yay or nay. And I. I like that.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Raul Vallejo]

Straightforward.

[Matt McCusker]

Do you ever get horse lady? Do you ever get horse lady?

[Raul Vallejo]

Oh, horse lady.

[Matt McCusker]

Okay, he's not horse. I mean, if you could handle horse. Hats off, cowboy. That's a lot. That's. It's a physical feat. No, horse lady, lady.

[Raul Vallejo]

Horse lady. Some of the wildest.

[Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I bet, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some of that old.

[Raul Vallejo]

You ain't. You ain't scaring them. You're just trying to hang on. Don't believe me. Try.

[Matt McCusker]

I believe you. I believe you. I believe you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's absolutely incredible. What's your favorite position to have sexual relations with a woman in?

[Raul Vallejo]

Anyone with a woman. That's fine with me. Make it quick and make it stick. I ain't too big.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it. You ever breed horses?

[Raul Vallejo]

Not on purpose.

[Redban]

This is what made us fall in love at the.

[Matt McCusker]

You.

[Redban]

He's got answers for everything, this guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's absolutely.

[Raul Vallejo]

There may have been a stallion turned out where it wasn't supposed to. Once or twice. Was not me.

[Redban]

Wow. Now,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that is incredible. What else do you do for fun? What is a. I mean, I know you're out on the road a lot. You're never one place too long.

[Raul Vallejo]

Rodeos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever done a rodeo?

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Raul Vallejo]

No, I'm not a rodeo cowboy. No, but rodeos, wild women and one night taco stands.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Raul Vallejo]

One country song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Taco stands.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. Every thing he said finally bombed.

[Raul Vallejo]

It's a song.

[Redban]

Well, cowboy.

[Matt McCusker]

No, you're the man. You are the. The best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is.

[Matt McCusker]

I'm just a nasty comic. Dude. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have Said that, but it is. It was also perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Can you describe to us what a one night taco stand is?

[Raul Vallejo]

The taco stand I'm at for one, whatever one I run into is my favorite one at the moment.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Raul Vallejo]

I have a. It's like a magic power for me. I can find taco stands everywhere. I found one in Traverse City, Michigan, one time. I didn't know they had Mexicans up, up there.

[Matt McCusker]

Yes, I use. I usually use Google. I can locate them pretty easily as well, partner. I just check into my phone. I find them everywhere I go as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of cell phone do you have?

[Carlos Lopez]

I want to know what a cowboy cell phone is.

[Redban]

It's a. It's a notebook.

[Raul Vallejo]

It's a broken one now.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Raul Vallejo]

Broken iPhone on you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

He's punchy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. That's what happens when.

[Matt McCusker]

How you. How you break, partner.

[Raul Vallejo]

I. I can't ever keep anything intact when you're around livestock.

[Matt McCusker]

Heard that.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

I got two dogs myself. Always on the rug. Pick it up, my bare hands and throw it out the window.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, you're in Austin tomorrow night.

[Raul Vallejo]

I can be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. The great Brian Simpson has a show called bottom of the barrel where people

[Redban]

have to pull topics out of a bucket and improvise in the moment

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

jokes. And you're so quick. I want to see how that goes for you. So the late show tomorrow night, Bottom of the barrel here at the mothership.

[Redban]

That's an official spot at the comedy mothership, not the secret show. This is the mothership. Is that okay?

[Raul Vallejo]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

[Redban]

All right, there he goes. Carlos Lopez, everybody. Making his second ever appearance. Only has two minutes, but he's going to be improvising tomorrow on bottom of the barrel. Late show here at the mothership. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Whoa, Heidi. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Jason Vest, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jason Vest, here we go.

[Jason Vest]

Make some noise, Austin, little bit about me. I'm a retired veteran. I served 20 years in the military. Make some noise for that. I am 100% disabled American war hero. When I tripped and fell and my boys come during a motel gang bang in 1996, people. Whoa. Don't cringe, people. I was lied to when I joined the military. I was lied to. The recruiter told me, jason, you gonna be saving lives on the battlefield of Baghdad, Iraq. I was not saving lives on the battlefield of Baghdad, Iraq. I was given grown men STD tests. I wasn't saving lives on the battlefield. I was A pecker checker. I was saving Ryan's privates one fat cock at a time. I was the dick doctor of Baghdad, and I'm proud to be an American. You don't have an std. Wrap it up next time, and you'll be fine from herpes and hpv. But now I have PTSD because five of them dicks I handled were black. Do you know?

[Redban]

Okay, Jason vest, Wrap it up indeed. Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jason. Jason.

[Redban]

Jason.

[Jason Vest]

Tony. Tony.

[Matt McCusker]

Tony.

[Redban]

Hi, buddy. How are you? How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up, Jason?

[Jason Vest]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. Wow.

[Carlos Lopez]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Jason Vest]

Detroit, Chicago. Now here in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Detroit, Chicago. What made you move to Austin?

[Jason Vest]

Yeah, I started making content on the Internet. I was in Chicago, and I decided that I want to be closer to Texas. I'm a veteran. My fan base is kind of down here. I've got a tiny little following on the Internet and moved here to be a little bit closer to the service members that I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what do you. What type of content do you make on the Internet?

[Jason Vest]

So I hosted a butthole contest at a strip club in Lansing, Michigan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, I hear you. You're trying to be extreme, but just explain to us slowly. Just answer the questions honestly. Clearly your delivery isn't that effective, so let's try a different approach.

[Matt McCusker]

I think he's got that silly willy syndrome. The other guy was talking about.

[Redban]

The old prater Willie, up here. We finally found him. This is the guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what. What type of content do you make? Nice and slowly and calmly.

[Jason Vest]

So I promote events on the Internet at strip clubs across the country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what are these events?

[Jason Vest]

I hosted the 2023 prettiest butthole in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michigan competition, and that's women's buttholes.

[Jason Vest]

All buttholes. I said prettiest butthole in Michigan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who won?

[Jason Vest]

A woman from Lincoln, Nebraska, drove 16 hours to Lansing, Michigan, to show us her Corn Husker butthole.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There's red bands fart noise for the episode. He was really excited about that one.

[Jason Vest]

It was a thing of beauty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so, Jason, three years and what's the point? The best set you've ever had. Do you remember that night? Where was that?

[Jason Vest]

I'd say the best I ever had was New Year's Eve last year in Saginaw, Michigan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh. And what happened there? What did you talk about on stage to make things go so well?

[Jason Vest]

Well, I did what I did here, except people laugh, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right. People in Saginaw, Michigan, are. And I almost forgot it's unbelievable.

[Redban]

Believable. If that worked in front of a real live audience, that is incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yet I'm not surprised. If it would work anywhere, it would be Michigan. All right, Jason, so how long have you been in Austin?

[Jason Vest]

One month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One month. And what? What? How's it going for you? What do you love about Austin?

[Jackson Nami]

I don't know.

[Jason Vest]

It's cheap to live. It's better in Chicago. I live in, like, Pflugerville, just north of town. I love it.

[Redban]

Oh, Pflugerville, the home of Brian Red. Dad. Another one of your people. Here we found.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Okay. And, Jason, you're gay, right?

[Jason Vest]

No, I'm straight. I've been married for 17 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Jason Vest]

Now I'm straight. Straight as hell, man.

[Redban]

Really?

[Jason Vest]

Hey, butt stuff is fun stuff. It don't mean you're gay. I'm just adventurous. Tony, come on.

[Matt McCusker]

I think don't ask, don't tell is thriving in the military right now.

[Redban]

Have you ever been milked before?

[Jason Vest]

No, but I milked someone in Iraq. I handled dicks in Iraq, Tony. I gave grown men STD test. I've milked a dick in my day. Doesn't mean I'm gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So wait, how do you milk a dick doing an STD test?

[Jason Vest]

So when I gave this dude an STD test, he came into the clinic and the doctor said, you gotta milk his dick a little bit to get the sample because you have to put a rod in his dick, right? And so then when I got done with the exam, the doctor asked me. He's like, jason, well, how did that exam go? And I milked it. I got a sample. And he's like, you didn't milk that guy's dick. I just made that up. It was a joke. You jerked that guy off for no reason.

[Redban]

Wow. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. What's going on back there?

[Redban]

D D does not believe you're straight at all, dude.

[Jason Vest]

Swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're going to keep it moving. Jason.

[Redban]

Jason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Have a great.

[Redban]

A great life. There goes Jason Best. We're gonna keep moving on. Little joke book went to Jason and on to the next one. Make some noise for your next comedian. Pedro Valenzuela, everybody. Pedro Valenzuela.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Pedro Valenzuela]

Kamala Harris looks just like my mom. That's exactly why I can't trust that. You know what I'm saying? Like, I trust Kamala Harris. Like I trust Biden with Baron Trump. You know he's gonna touch that kid. That's all I'm saying it's probably gonna touch him. I think it's funny how people that like Donald Trump, they'll never admit that they actually like him. Like they'd rather. Or say something worse. Like I asked my boy, I was like, hey man, you like Donald Trump? He was like, yeah. I was like, what'd you say? He was like, no, actually what I said was, I like watching dykes get jumped. He said that?

[Raul Vallejo]

That was a man.

[Pedro Valenzuela]

I don't like it. My girlfriend had a gender reveal part party. Turns out she was a hermaphrodite the whole time. We used to joke around about how her looked like a tiny penis. And it was. It was a tiny penis.

[Redban]

Is it Pedro Valenzuela? Oh, my God. This is an incredible night tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pedro, remind us all, how long have you been doing stand up? Come comedy?

[Pedro Valenzuela]

I've been doing like three years now.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's it going?

[Redban]

It's going pretty good.

[Pedro Valenzuela]

I think the life is going not as good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about life.

[Pedro Valenzuela]

All right.

[Cam Patterson]

Well,

[Pedro Valenzuela]

moved to Austin with a mission. I'm not going to lie to you guys. I am after the powers that be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you. What the are you.

[Redban]

What is going on, dude?

[Pedro Valenzuela]

I knew that this was going to be a problem. Problem. But people think it's crazy, but trust me, is wild out here. I've seen a lot of things. I've seen.

[Redban]

I'm getting you out of here. I'm getting you out of here. You have just go, Pedro Valenzuela. It was a very easy question. Unbelievable. Go pee. Matt McCusker's gonna go pee. That gives our inside comedian enough time to make it to the stage. Perhaps one of your very own human beings could leave tonight with a set of the night from a non regular. Some rough bucket pulls tonight coming from the inside. Make some noise for Matt Cohen, everybody. It's one of your own people. Matt Cohen, are you here, Matt? Is there movement from Matt? Oh, here he comes. Comes everybody. Oh, that's a guy going back to his seat. Matt Cohen, we're getting. Okay, from the farthest away possible position, is he walking towards the stage? And now I present you the inside zone. Matt Cohen, everybody.

[Matt Cohen]

So all my jokes are on my phone and they won't give me my phone. Not a joke.

[Matt McCusker]

God.

[Redban]

So you don't remember anything that you wrote?

[R]

Nothing, man.

[Redban]

Really? Like, I know, it's torture. Torture.

[William Montgomery]

Nope.

[Redban]

Have a phone unlocker. This is your phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations, we got it unlocked.

[Redban]

Yeah. He doesn't seem excited to have his phone unlocked, by the way.

[William Montgomery]

It's off and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's off. It's okay. It's okay.

[Redban]

Let's just do your interview now and then we'll do the minute afterwards. That's cool.

[R]

That's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing standup?

[Matt Cohen]

This would be my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Redban]

And where are you from?

[Matt Cohen]

Tampa, Florida. Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for work?

[Matt Cohen]

I'm a marketing director.

[Redban]

Always the funniest people.

[Matt Cohen]

It's all smoke and mirrors.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like?

[Matt Cohen]

Pretty good. I'm happily married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Will you have any special skills or talents? Have you ever done anything on stage before?

[Matt Cohen]

Special talents? You'd have to ask my wife, but she's not here, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's great. Is she locked up, too? A lot of excuses. Okay. Oh, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted.

[Redban]

He signed up for it. Make some noise for Matt Cohen, everybody.

[Billy Swift]

Thank you.

[Matt Cohen]

Thank you. So when I was in seventh grade, I had a friend named J.T.

[William Montgomery]

and

[Matt Cohen]

one night on the phone, J.T. asked if he could sleep over at my house. And I said, sure.

[Raul Vallejo]

Cool.

[Matt Cohen]

No problem. Well, he said, when I sleep over at my house. At your house. I got something to show you.

[R]

Okay.

[Matt Cohen]

We were really into rap music, and I had the. The double disc album of Bone Thugs in Harmony, the Art of War. I was like, thank you. So I was really excited to show him that cd. Like, we're gonna listen to hip hop music together because that's what white boys in seventh grade did. Listen to rap music and sleepovers. So there's a big buildup. It's coming. It's coming. So it's Friday night, he's at the house, we're sleeping over, hanging out, listening to Bone Thugs in Harmony, Art of War. And we listen to everything. We listen to all the hits. Body Rot, Thug Love, Looking to My Eyes.

[Cam Patterson]

You know?

[Angelo Seville]

Know it.

[Matt Cohen]

So, last song plays, JT says, I'm ready to show you my surprise. Can I keep going?

[Redban]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's the stupid bear. Go. Go, dude.

[Redban]

Go. Get to it, bro.

[Matt Cohen]

You guys want to know what his surprise was?

[Cam Patterson]

His dick.

[Matt Cohen]

His pre teen. He started stroking his dick.

[Redban]

Okay, there he goes, everybody. True story. True story. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Redban]

You guys can boo better than that. Unbelievably terrible. You listen to music with a buddy and then he jerked off in front of you. That's the whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Matt Cohen]

That was traumatizing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. Before I let you go, most interesting or compelling thing that's ever happened to you in your entire Life ever. Your whole life. You get to reference from right now.

[Matt Cohen]

I took a trip to Israel and climbed Mount Masada. Was pretty badass.

[Redban]

Oh, God. Wow. Way to. Way to get the crowd on your side. Okay, there he goes. Matt Cohen from the inside. There he goes. Go, go. No little joke but hook. No nothing. That was absolutely unbearable.

[Matt McCusker]

Yeah.

[Redban]

We have someone else from the inside. We haven't had a female on stage tonight, so we picked to have a female. Ladies and gentlemen, closing out your bucket pools, your first female comedian of the night. Make some noise for Sydney Abusawan. Sydney Abusawan. That's a guy. Come on, Sydney. Whatever. You have the name of a woman? Let's do it. Hey guys. And cowboys Cindy night. Here he is. Sydney Abusawan.

[R]

Thank you. Thank you. So I used to be the proud owner of two testicles. Yep. But I was surgically transformed not into the Uno Breasto but into the Uniballer. Cancer taught me a valuable life lesson in ball is life. I also had another surgery after my chemotherapy to remove some cancerous lymph nodes in my abdominal area. The side effects, although temporary, were unbelievable. I could experience and feel the sensation of an orgasm, but no cum would come out. I was literally shooting blanks. Free birth control right here. Pull out game. Fucking weak. About a year later, it finally happened. I came, came for the first time. My girlfriend looked at me with tears streaming down her face. I said, baby, what's wrong? She mentioned we can have a baby. And that's when I realized my pull out game was indeed weak. I had unknowingly impregnated her sister.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay,

[Redban]

Sydney Abusawan. I thought I was pulling a woman out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're one testicle away.

[Redban]

All right, so you have one ball.

[R]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What is that name S Sydney Abusawan. What is your ethnicity?

[R]

So I'm Lebanese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lebanese.

[R]

But I was born in Sydney, Australia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, so you're named after where you were born?

[R]

That's correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sydney.

[R]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Creative parents. I was hoping maybe Bali or.

[Redban]

I was hoping I was gonna get to do an Alla Allah Akbal joke, but I guess I'm not going to. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how old were you when you lost the ball?

[R]

So this is 2014. So I was around 21, 22.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're coming up on your 10 year anniversary.

[R]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. What are you gonna do? You gonna do something special?

[R]

No, perhaps. I haven't thought about that actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. Very exciting. Is this something that runs in your family?

[R]

No, no, it doesn't run in My family. So it was luck of the draw.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think you did something, some type of karma from when you were younger to make you lose a ball?

[Gordon Sumner]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Jerking off a lot?

[R]

Yeah, Yeah, I was wanking quite a bit, so as a matter of fact, I've toned down on that. No nut November is a big thing for me. Try to pack.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that really a thing? Do they say that if you jerk off a lot, your odds of testicular cancer are higher?

[R]

Well, if by jerking off a lot you actually reduce your risk of prostate cancer. So make sure you wank.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Redban]

I'm learning a lot tonight about the prostate and jerking off.

[Matt McCusker]

Up and come the other guy's roommate. It was a guy's roommate from before

[Redban]

Sydney.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[R]

So I work for a sports nutrition company. I'm a product formulator and a senior scientist. So we do a lot of protein powders, pre workouts, creatine, testosterone boosters. Help with the soy boys and things of that nature.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think you're overcompensating for having one testicle?

[R]

Yeah, perhaps. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Some of the soy boys out there

[Redban]

have twice the nuts that you have.

[R]

I actually have a Doberman. His name's Berlin. Keeping consistent with the city names.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Was he born in Berlin?

[R]

No.

[Redban]

Does he hate Jews?

[R]

But he is intact, so yes. He has twice the balls of me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's what?

[R]

He's intact so I didn't neuter him. Oh, so he has.

[Matt McCusker]

You should just took one from him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Little dober boy. Okay. And you make protein for a living? What's your love life like? Is someone out out there sucking your ball?

[R]

As a matter of fact, yes. I'm recently engaged.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. Hell yeah.

[Redban]

What is the name of this one tited woman?

[R]

Rebecca.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what you do?

[R]

So she works as a clinical research analyst. So she works at a hospital. So a bit more about me. I have my PhD in exercise science.

[Redban]

Wow.

[R]

Yeah, So I. I specialize in muscle health and she specializes in cardio cardiovascular health.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[R]

So. And it's quite complimentary in. In that aspect. So she works at a hospital.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Mike Ryan]

Wow.

[Matt McCusker]

That's the most autistic I.

[Redban]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that is.

[Matt McCusker]

When will your season of Love on the Spectrum be airing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Have you ever heard of prater Willie?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[R]

Yes, yes, I have.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[R]

Yes, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy. Cuz your willie got pratered about 10 years ago. The old didgeridoo. Why were you born in Sydney? What were your Lebanese parents doing in Sydney? Did they ever tell you?

[R]

Yeah. Great question. So they're debating at the time to live either in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They were what?

[R]

They were debating at the time to live either in Canada or Australia. So my sister was a year older than me. She was born in Toronto. I was born in Sydney. They ended up settling in Toronto.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is her name Toronto?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it?

[R]

No, no, no, no, it's not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then they settled for Toronto. So friends and I came here to visit to see the show and shoot some guns as well. Because we're up in Canada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Shooting guns. Do you just put one bullet in at a time? Oh, my God. Sydney, craziest thing about your life. Could be anything at all that you've ever seen or done other than lose

[Raul Vallejo]

a ball,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

something you ever save anybody's life or have to do. This is someone like, we need a doctor. And you're like, I'm a nutritional PhD.

[Redban]

Hurry up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drinkless creatine, Anything like that?

[R]

No, unfortunately a fake doctor over here. So I haven't saved any. Anyone's life. So. Yeah. Cancer is one of the, you know, interesting things about me. And that's what I decided to make myself set up, make my setup out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You did really good. First time?

[R]

Yeah. First time ever?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. Have you been on stage before?

[Redban]

Have you done anything ever?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On stage? Yeah, yeah.

[R]

Because, well, obviously with the PhD in grad school, I give a lot of talks. I like to tell stories and whatnot. So I tried to integrate the storytelling with comedy. Somewhat self deprecating. So first time ever doing standup comedy and got pretty fired up because half tranny, half bald, not a woman. Almost there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, yeah, yeah, whatever you just said, I agree. Great job.

[Redban]

For a first time, I'm giving you a big kill. Tony joke book. There he goes. Sydney Abusawan. Okay, we've seen a lot tonight. My page is absolutely filled with notes about absolute insane people that were up here tonight. And now we end the show the only way we know how. I present to you the Sultan of San Antonio. The lover of leather. The Baron of Des Moines.

[Angelo Seville]

The.

[Redban]

The electric water cycle. The SEAL Team 1. The Memphis Strangler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Big Red Machine.

[Redban]

This is indeed William Montgomery, everybody. Here he is.

[William Montgomery]

No nut. November is a big thing for me too. Shut up, nerd. I tried to incorporate storytelling. Dude, what the fuck? And also, I don't give a fuck if you climbed Mount Masai, you dumbass. Holy shit. You needed your phone for that?

[Redban]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

Holy shit. Not sure about y', all, but every day is President's Day. At my house. I don't need a special sail to celebrate. No, but seriously, for President's Day this year, I'm going as Warren G. Hardick. California has built a border wall that has anti climbing technology. Gavin Newsom defended the wall, saying, I'm tired of revolutionary talents like Tony Hinchcliffe leaving our greats. Gavin didn't want Tony to leave California. Quick housekeeping announcement. But if you're the driver of a 2003 white and beige Honda Accord, yo car busted as fuck. Shit, why yo ass ain't getting antique tag? I'd rather drive Princess Diana through a tunnel in Paris than drive that piece of shit. And also I was just wondering, do you get PTO in the CIA? I'm trying to decide if I want the job or not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my time.

[Redban]

Boom. Showing us how it's done. The regulars really coming through tonight. Unbelievable.

[William Montgomery]

Please never come on the stage again with me.

[Redban]

You stupid. Oh my God.

[Gordon Sumner]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

God damn, bitch.

[Cam Patterson]

Whoa.

[Redban]

Willy.

[William Montgomery]

William.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William.

[William Montgomery]

Tony. I swear to God, I've shit three times today. And the third time I almost passed out on the toilet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? Why would you almost pass out?

[William Montgomery]

I don't know.

[Casey Rocket]

It was.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it was three giant. I don't want to keep on bringing

[Carlos Lopez]

up Aubrey and buds, but dude, I ate a giant bowl last night and a giant bowl this morning and I took three huge shits.

[William Montgomery]

So I'm sorry if I got a little worked up because I don't need that stupid. But yeah, see right there. Whoa.

[Redban]

That the lovely Heidi. Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

Keep your tits in your shirt.

[Billy Swift]

Jesus.

[Redban]

Who says that? Keep your tits in your shirt. Here he is, William Montgomery.

[Angelo Seville]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Keep your tits in your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William.

[Redban]

William's going to get from his girlfriend tonight for that one. Hey, keep your tits in your shirt. Good job, Williams. Smart maneuver. Your grand girlfriend of many years.

[William Montgomery]

I don't want to see those good looking tits.

[Redban]

Whoa. Those going to have hair on them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those have hair on them.

[Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Raul Vallejo]

All of her on them.

[Redban]

It's unbelievable.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, her bosoms. Oh, yeah. Oh, that was funny.

[Redban]

There you go. They have William. An absolutely hilarious set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mixing in Warren Harding into the mix. No nut November. You went a lot of different places there. Fantastic work. Unbelievable. Tell us more about your writing process. Do you do that?

[Matt McCusker]

So.

[Carlos Lopez]

So today I'm thinking President's Day. I'm thinking, immediately Warren G. Harding gets into my mind. I'm thinking I'm gonna base the entire

[Redban]

thing

[Carlos Lopez]

about Warren G. Harding. And then I'm thinking, oh, California. The border wall. Let me do Something where Gavin Newsom is kicking Tony out of California. And then on that one, I'm praying to the Lord that at the end of that, when I yell Gavin wanted Tony out of California, I'm praying to God above, people are going to laugh at that. And Tony, I know that there's sometimes a chance where if I yell something and then people don't laugh. I mean, it makes me want to crawl into a little hole sometimes, Tony. And I think, honestly, that is part of the reason I ate two bowls of all brain buds last night and today because I wanted to punish myself a little bit. I've been wanting to really punish myself recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've done countless amounts, amounts of interviews. You are in the hall of fame. You have the record for the most appearances on the show, the most interviews with me. And I cannot recall a time where I've ever heard you be so emotionally shaken before. Then right then, right there at that

[Carlos Lopez]

moment, Tony, I swear to the Lord above, there are moments where these things are just coming in, into my head and I think, well, Tony, I mean,

[William Montgomery]

do you get PTO in the CIA?

[Carlos Lopez]

I mean, the thought is like three. Like they sound similar, but they're kind of different. And then, and then I'm just thinking, okay, pto, CIA. And then I'm thinking maybe if I pretend like I'm the one getting the

[William Montgomery]

job, people are gonna look and think,

[Carlos Lopez]

oh, well, he's probably not CIA material. But then that's when I want to start punishing myself, Tony, because I want these jokes to be near and dear to my heart, to really be true to me. And sometimes it. I start thinking, God, I'm some sort of phony up here. And then I swear to God, I start loading up these bowls of that all brand buds, and I put a bunch of raspberries and blueberries. So that allowed these bowls to be huge because I put all bring buds in and then I put skim milk recently and I swear I will put it in there. And then I'll wait 20 minutes for them to get really mushy so then I can really spoon feed myself. And I'm feeling real nasty. And I really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's hard for you to wait that 20 minutes, isn't it?

[Carlos Lopez]

Yeah, sometimes it's like super hard. I mean, sometimes I'm looking at this bowl of this just mush stuff and. And I'm thinking, oh, what do I start putting the blueberries in now? Do I put them in after the mush has released, when it's really settling in there? What do I put the blueberries in there. When am I putting these nasty little raspberries in this? All Brand Buds. And then I just start squeezing some of the blueberries sometime before they even hit my mouth. Because sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I don't care if the fucking blueberries end up in the bowl of cereal. Because, Tony, sometimes I'm staring at the cereal bowl thinking, wait just a minute.

[William Montgomery]

I mean, I'm hungry right now, but I can't.

[Redban]

Do you ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you ever put the blueberries or raspberries in the bottom or in the middle? Do you always put them at the top?

[Carlos Lopez]

Tony?

[William Montgomery]

They are always at the top. What's that dumbass look in your face, Red band? What are you doing? Dude, I'm up here literally about to cry. Wait, show me your tits. Can I see your boys? I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, you are all over the place tonight. Amazing. So the All Brand Buds. Well, how much did they pay you All Brand Buds. To bring them up every week on the show?

[Carlos Lopez]

Nothing yet. I have to start just mentioning them a bunch they told me was part of the. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. Matt McCusker. You've seen William before. He's a nature.

[Matt McCusker]

Absolute phenom, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Matt McCusker]

Unbelievable. What's the fiber content on Those? All rainbows.

[Carlos Lopez]

60% for half a cup.

[Redban]

Oh, my God. Yeah. And I'm eating, I swear to God.

[Carlos Lopez]

Got probably three cups worth in a bowl. So that's what? What's 60 times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are there any catches to a ridiculously high fiber diet? You just got over skin cancer and hemorrhoids. You're sick more than anyone I know, Literally.

[Matt McCusker]

We'll give you hemorrhoids. You will get hemorrhoids.

[Carlos Lopez]

I swear, Tony, when I was wiping

[William Montgomery]

my butt and I was wiping my butt using wipes.

[Redban]

That is right. That is I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is an official sponsor of William Montgomery.

[Carlos Lopez]

And I swear to you, Tony, I stuck my finger up in my butthole and it was.

[William Montgomery]

My butthole was coming out of my

[Carlos Lopez]

anus, or however that works. I could feel it popping out of my.

[Redban]

This is a butthole. Heavy episode tonight and it's gross.

[William Montgomery]

It's not good, but I could feel with my fingers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, explain to us what you mean when you say your butthole was coming out of your butthole.

[William Montgomery]

I mean when I was putting my

[Carlos Lopez]

left hand into my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wipe left handed?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Redban]

How do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Carlos Lopez]

Yeah, left handed.

[Redban]

Let me remind everyone, those of you might not know we've been doing this a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And William didn't wipe for the first four plus years that we knew him. He would literally, every time he would poop, he would get into the shower afterwards. It's the weirdest thing.

[Redban]

It angers me. Literally angers me to think about it.

[R]

This.

[Redban]

It was a thing that came up a lot. He couldn't poop out at comedy clubs

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

or out and about or at airports. He would have to wait until he's

[Redban]

at home or the hotel. That's what he does when he makes me mad. So it makes everything okay. That's why we have such a good long working relationship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Redban]

So hold on a second. You have begun wiping finally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It took years for us to get you to start wiping instead of getting in the shower. And you do it left handed. You are right handed, Am I correct?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would make you start wiping with your left hand?

[Redban]

I don't think I've ever wiped with my. I've never done that.

[Matt McCusker]

No, you do it so it feels like someone else is doing it for you.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, you gotta sit on your hand

[Redban]

for a little bit.

[William Montgomery]

That's why I had to get in the shower, Tony. I mean, that process sitting on your left hand before you're putting it up

[Carlos Lopez]

in your anus, I mean.

[Redban]

Yeah, you gotta.

[William Montgomery]

That's why we get in the shower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So hold on a second.

[Matt McCusker]

You've never given up on a dump and said it. I'm throwing in the towel, I'm hitting the showers.

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Matt McCusker]

Sometimes they're so wretched you got to just take it to the shower. You just got to be like, look.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. What if it sprays up all on your butt? That's probably above it. Has it with bad diarrhea. Diarrhea. Sometimes I feel like the splashback is my. My old butt ends up.

[Redban]

If you haven't diarrhea, you. A bidet would you use.

[Carlos Lopez]

Doesn't fit on our. On the toilet.

[William Montgomery]

Size somebody.

[Carlos Lopez]

I was gifted one a couple of years ago. Yes. No, I.

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do with this bidet?

[R]

Goodwill.

[Cam Patterson]

You.

[Carlos Lopez]

You paid a couple bags for Goodwill recently and I.

[Redban]

You gave a bidet that's been unboxed to Goodwill?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I mean, I kind of don't give a. Tony, I mean, honestly, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

kind of don't give a.

[William Montgomery]

Let them get hepatitis. Let somebody else have hepatitis, man.

[Redban]

You are an anomaly, William Montgomery.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Week after week, you always, always have the absolute best interviews. It is incredible. I mean, 12 minutes has flown by since you got up here and that's absolutely incredible. My attempts.

[William Montgomery]

Shut up.

[Redban]

Oh, an Insult and a wink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've seen this before, everybody. The wink of William Montgomery.

[Redban]

Whoa, There it is. Oh, he doesn't give the. Oh, there's the sound that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That happens on the wink. There's one.

[Redban]

There's another one. Oh, we can't see. You gotta kind of cheat towards us if you want the sounds to make sense. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

[Mike Ryan]

Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, that's a little loud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay,

[William Montgomery]

that really was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those were a lot of winks.

[Matt Cohen]

Yeah.

[Redban]

I'm tired, Al. Yeah, you must be exhausted. All right, well, William, you did it again. Unfucking believable. Anything you want to promote or plug

[William Montgomery]

William still, please find me on Cameo and look at my Instagram for upcoming headlining.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Redban]

Absolutely. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Matt McCusker's on tour. Matt McCusker.com Matt and Shane secret podcast. Make some noise for Matt McCust.

[Matt McCusker]

Thank you, guys.

[Redban]

Gel Blaster, Yellow Rose Red Rose hall, law firm, ninjabuses.com CM Smokehouse, Connect, mobile health. And again, thank you to Asphalt 3D. This thing worked out like a charm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Redban]

All the names stuck. Those are little magnets. So cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy makes crazy stuff out of 3D.

[Redban]

Made these mic stands. Just a fan, but such great products.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Products.

[Redban]

It's absolutely incredible. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those are available. Ryanjebel.com the drawing from local artist Chris

[Redban]

Rogers of William Montgomery. Wow. What a piece of art. How about one more time for the band? Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Val, Michael Gonzalez, Deep Madness, John D's and Matt Muling. Thank you guys so much. Red Band. I'll be be in San Diego in July. Check out American Comedy code dot com. There you go. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The Forum, Madison Square Garden coming up. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody.

[Sunset Strip Comedy Club Announcer]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[William Montgomery]

Sam.