#655 - TOM GREEN + ADAM RAY

Summary

Kill Tony #655: Tom Green + Adam Ray

Date: March 19, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Guests: Tom Green, Adam Ray

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Episode Overview

The 655th episode of Kill Tony unites legendary comedic innovator Tom Green and returning fan-favorite Adam Ray for a rollicking, unpredictable night at Austin’s Comedy Mothership. As always, host Tony Hinchcliffe and sidekick Brian Redban oversee the infamous “bucket” as aspiring and seasoned comics perform one minute of stand-up, followed by unsparing panel feedback. This episode is studded with chaos—inventive storytelling, a memorable musical performance, and the kind of off-the-cuff banter only possible in a room brimming with world-class comics.

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Key Discussion Points and Segments

1. Opening Banter and Guest Introductions

• Tom Green’s Arrival:
  • Tony and Redban celebrate finally landing Tom Green after 11 years of attempts.
  • Adam Ray lauded as 2023’s “Guest of the Year.”
  • Both guests show quick rapport and riff with panelists and the audience.
  • Quote:

    "Tom Green in the house. An absolute dream booking." — Tony Hinchcliffe (05:03)

• Comedic Warm-Up Riffing:
  • Running jokes about LA, rumors, and Tony’s tour.
  • Adam Ray satirizes “homeless” encounters in Austin:

    “‘You guys got any piz?’ I thought that’s why I gave you the money!” — Adam Ray (08:07)

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2. Regular Opener: Casey Rocket’s Set & Storytelling (09:42–20:36)

• Casey’s Comedy Minute:
  • High-energy, absurdist one-liners ("I think I just shook my NuvaRing loose") and surreal impressions.
  • Notable for the prop (“Dutchman’s Key”) held in his mouth.
  • Quote:

    “Nights like this, I understand why JFK killed himself.” — Casey Rocket (10:48)

• Origin Story Bit (13:01–19:12):
  • A wild, multimedia story weaving his childhood, prodigy baseball career, family tragedy, the invention of the “crab walk,” Deadliest Catch, and ultimately Olympic gold for "Crab Freestyle Racing."
  • Blends fantasy, images, callbacks, and comedic “family legacy.”
  • Guest Reactions:
    • Tom Green:

      “There’s not enough crab stuff going around in comedy right now.” (19:36)

    • Hinchcliffe:

      “Casey, an unbelievable performance to start the show.” (20:05)

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3. First Bucket Pulls: New Comic Spotlights

a. Brendan Mahaney (21:16–30:14)

• Minute Recap:
  • Jokes on truck troubles, pizza rolls, Tinder, and single moms ("recreational use only").
• Panel Interview Highlights:
  • Ex-Army tanker, deployed in Afghanistan (“where we didn’t have any tanks”).
  • Discusses porn habits candidly (“by the third scroll, I’m done”).
  • Shares emotional moment missing a Robin Williams USO show, but meeting him afterwards.
  • Memorable Panel Barbs:

    "Did you kill anybody in the Army? What’d you do, bore them to death?" — Tony Hinchcliffe (28:01)

  • Notable Quote:

    "By the way, tankless tanker—why does it look like the American flag on your hat is removable?" — Tony Hinchcliffe (26:49)

b. Robert May (31:22–40:03)

• Minute Recap:
  • Prescription medication jokes involving his mom (oncologist meds, Adderall).
• Panel Interview Highlights:
  • Sells lasers for manufacturing (panel is both dubious and delighted).
  • Showcases sales pitch skills, talks about his relationship, and reveals graphic design side-gig.
  • Quote:

    “Lasers? No, you don’t.” — Adam Ray (43:48)

• Fun Participation:
  • Demonstrates his pitching form as he plays in an over-30 baseball league.

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4. Special Guest Set: Violent J (Insane Clown Posse) (41:04–52:23)

• Stand-Up Debut:
  • Jokes on never having “butt sex,” penis size self-deprecation, wearing clown makeup for flawless skin, and celebrity crushes (Keanu Reeves, Prince).
  • Discusses the wild vibe at Skankfest, accidental mushroom overdose, and his fluke encounter with Dr. Drew.
  • Quotes:

    "If my d*ck was a man, it’d be Barney." — Violent J (42:00)
    “Comedians…I always looked at comedians like, I could never do that. Two things I know I could never do: be a comedian or a stripper, for real.” (44:51)

  • Panel is uproarious; Tom Green shares his own Juggalo festival experience.
  • Memorable:

    “You sound like you have a lot of confidence, though, the way you talk about your d*ck.” — Tom Green (45:17)

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5. Following Bucket Highlights & Notable Moments

a. Scott Pot (52:44–60:03)

• First Time on Stage:
  • Edgy, crude “Kill Tony” suicide/sex jokes fall flat.
  • Panel immediately identifies him as a “troll” and roasts him for his unearned swagger and poor choices.
  • Revealed that panelists had a real-life run-in with him earlier that day.
  • Quotes:

    "Not as easy as it looks, huh, troll boy?" — Redban (54:01)
    "You came in with an unbelievable amount of almost confidence, but not really." — Tony Hinchcliffe (54:52)

b. Cam Patterson (Regular) (61:37–67:40)

• Set:
  • Coming on himself as a teenager, his dad’s reactions, and “random thoughts” like dissing scarves.
  • Bounces “you don’t need that” as a potential catchphrase.
• Memorable Panel Banter:
  • Panel riffs on absurd purchases at stores based on his bit (“Old lady buying tampons—‘You don’t need that.’”)
  • Quote:

    “That’s my favorite word, man. Y’all can’t use it, but y’all, you know.” — Cam Patterson (65:40)

c. Brian Lumbra (69:13–75:07)

• Minute:
  • Story about being scammed by a man in Gambia, sending repeated money.
  • Panel is incredulous but amused, asks about his Uber driving, candidly confesses to being dropped as a kid.
  • Quote:

    “I was actually dropped on my head as a child.” — Brian Lumbra (72:46)

d. Aldo Caldo (Musical Performance) (84:13–91:34)

• Set:
  • Jokes about being a musical comedian (“my album went aluminum”), then showcases a parody tune on melodica with the band.
  • Leads a musical segment featuring Adam Ray.
  • Panel Reaction:

    "That's one of my favorite musical performances ever in the show's history." — Tony Hinchcliffe (89:52)

e. Trish Smart (First Female of the Night) (105:13–116:23)

• Minute:
  • Experience running a comedy club at Burning Man, period sex jokes, music festival humor.
  • Reveals nomadic life, sustaining herself by selling paintings of herself on the toilet at comedy shows.
  • Panel gives her spots on upcoming shows, Adam Ray offers to fund her hotel stay.
  • Quotes:

    “If you work really hard at your dreams and you don’t anyone to get where you’re going, you could be right here. This could be you.” — Trish Smart (105:13)
    "I sell acrylic paintings of myself on the toilet at comedy shows.”—Trish Smart (110:40)

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6. Additional Highlights

• Mexican Drum-Off (79:28–83:38):

  • Jordan Brady, a drummer and 10-year stand-up, challenges show drummer Michael Gonzalez live—audience votes keep Michael as the champ.

• Martin Phillips (Golden Ticket Regular with Cerebral Palsy) (92:35–102:17):

  • Seamlessly pairs self-deprecation with sharp writing ("I hooked up with a girl; true story"), panel lauds him as one of the show’s best.
  • Shares high school bullying stories and reflects on the impact of being an inspiration.

• Willam Montgomery (Regular Closer) (117:21–126:43):

  • Deadpan, offbeat set (“gonna name my first child Steve Harvey Oswald," White House sawdust/cocaine bit).
  • Earnest exchange with Tom Green, panel riffs on William's headlining fears and travel anxieties, ending with a full mock movie trailer for his trip to Spokane.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Tom Green, on “crab walk” comedy:

  “There’s not enough crab stuff going around in comedy right now.” (19:36)

• Adam Ray, on charity:

  “You should have pushed her off that helicopter.” (37:48, joking about proposing in Hawaii)

• Violent J, on stand-up:

  “I’m a 51-year-old man. Love sex. Never had butt sex with a man, unfortunately, or a woman.” (41:08)

• Trish Smart, on her lifestyle:

  “I sell acrylic paintings of myself on the toilet at comedy shows.” (110:40)

• Tony Hinchcliffe, on the show's accessibility:

  “Tonight is proof that anybody can sign up and get pulled out of the bucket.” (75:45)

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Structure and Flow

• The show alternates between regulars, first-timers, and surprise guests, with rapid-fire panel interviews after each set.
• Stories and bits frequently referenced and tied together: “crab” lore, bucket “trolls,” Martin Phillips’ self-deprecation, callbacks to earlier bits (nutting on scarves).
• Guests Tom Green and Adam Ray keep rhythm with references to their past work, improv with comics, and generous advice.
• Musical and oddball talents (melodica, drum-off) punctuate the comedy, breaking the format in fun ways.

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Key Timestamps

• 05:03 – Tom Green introduced, crowd erupts
• 09:42 – Casey Rocket’s surreal “crab walk origin” story
• 21:16 – Brendan Mahaney’s Army/comedy set
• 31:22 – Robert May’s “laser salesman” interview
• 41:04 – Violent J’s stand-up debut (Insane Clown Posse)
• 52:44 – Scott Pot’s infamous flop/set
• 61:37 – Cam Patterson’s catchphrases and riffing
• 84:13 – Aldo Caldo’s musical parody and singalong
• 92:35 – Martin Phillips’ standout golden ticket set
• 105:13 – Trish Smart, first female performer, secures future gigs
• 117:21 – William Montgomery’s headlining anxieties and movie trailer riff

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Tone and Style

The episode is loose, roast-heavy, and alternately supportive and savage—a classic Kill Tony blend. Tom Green’s mellow, off-kilter humor and Adam Ray’s high-energy riffing complement Tony Hinchcliffe’s rapid-fire roasts. Recurring themes (crab walking, awkward first-timers, living out of vans) create cohesion throughout the comic chaos.

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Final Thoughts

This episode exemplifies Kill Tony’s unique rawness: unpredictable guests, a smorgasbord of wild comic aspirants, established voices, plenty of affection, and a hailstorm of roasting. Tom Green’s presence brings a nostalgic thrill; Adam Ray’s generosity and quick wit support the comics; and the featured locals and regulars demonstrate the show’s continuing legacy as a launchpad for misfits and all-stars alike.

Best for:
Fans of unvarnished, rapid-fire comedy, comedy nerds, and anyone who wants a true fly-on-the-wall view of the stand-up scene’s wild frontier.

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For further details, view the episode on YouTube or visit Deathsquad.TV
Support: IhateTrishSmart.com, TomGreen.com, Adam Ray on YouTube

Transcript

[Redban]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey all, the LA Forum is right around the corner and contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube Theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in Kiltoni's history. Travel, go there, we'll see you there. And I am on tour with stand up comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own stand up sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland, Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale and Orlando. And then that is all of the state up on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Ton.

[Redban]

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock. This is not even the best fucking of their lives, huh? Yeah, make some noise for Red Band, everybody. Oh my goodness. Welcome indeed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made it. You're a Kill Tony. Hi everybody.

[Redban]

This is the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gel Blaster, Red rose, Yellow Rose, DraftKings,

[Redban]

Talk Space and game time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hand for the band, everybody?

[Redban]

That's the best goddamn band in the land right there. The Kill Tony Band, no doubt about it. This is the great Matt Muhling here on the electric guitar. John Dee's on the keys, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Carlos Sosa on the horns, Fernando Castillo on the horns and Rahul Vallejo on the horns. I forgot to. I forgot to write it down. It's like a goddamn food truck menu over there. Chicken enchilada on the horns, Carnitas tosara. The trombone makes noise for the great D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Oh boy, do we have a show for you on this evening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before we start it, here's a little bit More from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[Trish Smart]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

[Redban]

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, some

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of the funniest people on planet earth.

[Redban]

This is a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An unbelievable, unbelievable booking. I present to you one of our

[Redban]

favorite comedians, two of our favorite comedians of all time. Guy who basically started this gangster shit. The whole have your own show, sit at a table and fucking. You've been watching him for decades. And also Joining him, the 2023 guest of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Tom Green and Adam Ra. Adam ray, tom green. Charlie, This is Kill Tony. Holy. Tom Green in the house. An absolute dream booking. We've been trying to get him for 11 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Had him booked right before the global pandemic.

[Tom Green]

Unbelievable.

[Redban]

Took this long to get him and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now we got him with little Charlie here.

[Tom Green]

The Bum Bum song, by the the way. That was the Bum bum song.

[Redban]

That was indeed the Bum bum.

[Tom Green]

What an intro it is, Abs. This is Charlie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Charlie. Charlie's. Charlie's listening to a totally different podcast right now.

[Adam Ray]

Charlie's listening to Theo Von right now.

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah, man.

[Adam Ray]

My principal was a raccoon, man. No, he wasn't, Theo.

[Redban]

No, he wasn't. You can tell by that roar of laughter that that is indeed the 2023 guest of the year, Adam Ray in his natural human form.

[Adam Ray]

I love this show. I love Tom Green. I love red. This is. This is gonna be a great night.

[Redban]

This is a dream night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An absolute booking of the ages. We're so absolutely, so pumped to have you guys and we're gonna have a lot of fun. Adam, obviously, guest of the year. You know what you're doing, Tom, you might have an idea. I think you've seen the show a few times, but there's a bucket here filled with about 200 human souls that have attempted to get pulled out. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

[Redban]

I'm pre polling a name now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to go grab that person from the bar across the street. Poor choices here on 6th street, an absolutely chaotic street filled with bars, chaos, homeless, shootings, everything you can possibly imagine. It's a lot of fun.

[Adam Ray]

And the homeless, the Homeless is getting, I feel like, better or worse in the last.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It depends on if you are pro homeless or not.

[Redban]

Depends on what you mean by better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're different. It's always a rotating cast of characters out there.

[Adam Ray]

There was a guy last night, he. It came up to me and a couple fellas and he was like, you

[Redban]

guys, I have a couple of dollars.

[Adam Ray]

And I was like, I got you, man. Gave him a five. And he goes, I'm gonna get pizza with this. And I go, yeah, I think there's a lot of spots open. Came back, no joke, like two minutes later. And he goes, you got any piz? And I was like, I thought that's why I gave you the money for. And he goes, you, man. And then walked away. So I feel like that's funnier, but maybe not better as far as hospitality goes.

[Tom Green]

That was me, by the way.

[Redban]

Thank you.

[Tom Green]

Thank you very much.

[Redban]

Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. The one and the only you might recognize her is one of the Octagon

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

card girls from our arena shows at the HEB Center. Follower on Instagram, Gina with three A's. HG for those of you that like

[Redban]

a wi fi password for an Instagram handle, she's got it hard to figure out right now. There's nerds rewinding the podcast at this very moment.

[Martin Phillips]

What the fuck did he say?

[Redban]

I'll follow her. Three is Gina. I thought her name was Heidi. Why is that Gina? The fuck? But yeah, that's her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's absolutely unbelievable. A little something to balance out the ridiculously meat filled sausage fest that we

[Redban]

have on this stage.

[Tom Green]

Daddy, would you like some sausage?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Redban]

Another hit.

[Tom Green]

I'm doing all the hits tonight, so

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we have pre pulled the name. They're gonna go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, I would like to introduce you all to the newest regular on Kill, Tony. If you don't know, now you know. Ladies and gentlemen, writing and performing a brand new minute every single week, to start the show, I present to you

[Redban]

the great and powerful Casey Rocket. Okay.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. This is how you remind me. All right, very cool. Hell yeah. Maybach music. All right, very cool. I think I just shook my NuvaRing loose. All right, there we go. I gotta.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

It's basically been the worst week of my life. My fiance tried to break up with me for drinking too much Robitussin in the bedroom. This ever happened to you boys, huh? Well, you tell me who got the better end of the deal because she married a banker and I can Smell ghosts now. So pretty cool. Danny Phantom.

[Redban]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Very cool. Hell, yeah. I think the Dow Jones just dropped. I gotta go.

[Trish Smart]

I gotta.

[Casey Rocket]

Hell, yeah. I'm a PR nightmare. God, Nights like this, I understand why JFK killed himself. You know what I mean? Is that a conspiracy that people think about? That's what I think. He had Jackie O in his ear all day.

[Redban]

When are you gonna get a real job breathing?

[Casey Rocket]

All right. Very cool.

[Tom Green]

Hell, yeah. Yeah.

[Redban]

Oh,

[Casey Rocket]

the Dutchman's Key.

[Violent J]

Wow.

[Redban]

Oh, my God. The one and the only. One of a kind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get it while it's hot.

[Redban]

KC Rocket has arrived. To the kill Tony universe. Oh, my God. Goodness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another amazing performance. Literally one of my favorite things I've ever seen you do. Keeping a key in your mouth throughout your set.

[Redban]

Letting it fall out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Dutchman's Key.

[Casey Rocket]

Had to hit him with the Dutchman's Key.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought.

[Adam Ray]

Had to, man.

[Casey Rocket]

I woke up around 3pm today. I plugged the key in there just in case so I wouldn't forget. I wanted to be ready. And I've never felt sicker, so I'm excited.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

You have lead poisoning. For sure.

[Casey Rocket]

It's a lead key. And I'm basically been dipping it for several hours, so hopefully it worked. Have fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Totally original specimen. This is what you get with Casey Rocket. Absolute chaos. Movement all the time.

[Tom Green]

I like the movement.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

You move around a lot. I like the way you move around a lot. That's cool.

[Adam Ray]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Famous for the Crab Walk. We've seen it. Left to right measured at unbelievable speeds. We used a baseball radar gun on them. We got them up to 26 miles an hour.

[Redban]

Sideways.

[Adam Ray]

No way.

[Redban]

That's sideways. This direction, folks. Not running forward. Sideways on a theater stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did the. How did the crab. What is the origin of the crab walk?

[Casey Rocket]

So, yeah, so we talked about this last week, and I feel bad. I feel like I misled you. He asked me, how did you start being Crab man and innocent enough. And I told him that me and my buddy drank a bunch of Robitussin and he turned red and we were laughing. We're like, you look like a crab. And that's not exactly true, but I can show you. I filed a Freedom of Information request. I don't know if you guys are interested in kind of figuring out my story, but.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It says Bones Jones Rocket on it. That's a. That's a nickname we didn't know about.

[Martin Phillips]

I filed.

[Casey Rocket]

I filed it under an alias so they wouldn't track me. Yeah. Bones Jones Rocket. My Christian name is.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. Nobody's.

[Casey Rocket]

I didn't think you could read that. So it started on a day like today. Baton Rouge, 1981.

[Cam Patterson]

A woman.

[Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Casey Rocket]

I'll burn through these real quick. A child was born. A child was born. Not just any child. It was me. I was named the youngest catcher in MLB history at 3 years old. I had a 40. 40 season. 40 home runs, 40 stolen bases. There I am. Chicago Cubs.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Life had never been easier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No baseball glove in that picture.

[Casey Rocket]

I played old school. My father brought me up.

[Tom Green]

Right.

[Casey Rocket]

Old school baseball. Just a cap and a hand and a hot dog. And a cap and a hand and a hot dog.

[Adam Ray]

Son, you don't need a glove.

[Redban]

There you go. Absolutely.

[Adam Ray]

But you gotta stop fucking dancing in

[Casey Rocket]

the outfield at a 40. 40 season. I was an MLB all star by the age of four. And they treated me not only as a prodigy, but as a monster. They chased me out of town. And me and my dad starred on Deadliest Catch together for seven seasons. Yep, that's my old man, Garlo. Garlo Tarlo. He was my father. We loved each other. There's another picture of him, and I throw that up there. He's pretty old. He was 85.

[Redban]

Wow. I can definitely see the resemblance. The baseball cap says it all.

[Casey Rocket]

He passed me down the hat when I was seven years old. And then tragedy struck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Casey Rocket]

He was attacked by a giant,

[Adam Ray]

raving

[Casey Rocket]

mad crab monster thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Casey Rocket]

He almost died. But fortunately he was able to fight it off. That is, until he fought it for a little longer. He fought it for a length of

[Redban]

time and hard to decide which picture to use during the fight scene. Might as well use them both.

[Casey Rocket]

He had a GoPro on, and for that I'll forever be thankful.

[Redban]

He really aged during the fight. Lasted a while.

[Casey Rocket]

He was on Deadliest Catch for nine seasons. And I had CTE I couldn't play ball anymore.

[Tom Green]

And

[Casey Rocket]

tragedy struck. He was assassinated by Bobby Moynihan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what an amazing.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, I wish it didn't happen either. He was my old man. With musical guest modus. Yahoo. They gave him a Viking funeral and they buried him at sea. The most famous Vikings in the world were there. NordVPN.

[Redban]

Ava.

[Casey Rocket]

Elfie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Randall Cunningham. Randall Cunningham.

[Casey Rocket]

And cut to 20 years later, I won my first Olympic gold medal in Crab Freestyle Racing.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Casey Rocket]

700 millimeter. 700 millimeter. And I met all my heroes. Nelson Mandela.

[Adam Ray]

Just so you know, there's 38 more pictures.

[Casey Rocket]

And then one day, ladies and gentlemen, I Got a package in the mail. My dad had been dead a number of years. I. After he was assassinated by Mr. Moynihan and his ragtag group of miscreants. And I opened the package, and sure enough, he never forgot. It was a crab leg from the very crab he took down that night on that beach in Panama City.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It looks smaller than the ones.

[Casey Rocket]

It was a leg that grew a body. And there was no footage. We had to draw this one. But I remember looking at that leg and thinking about Garlo. And that was my dad's name. Garlo Tarlow, if you remember, from earlier callback. And I said, you know what? Maybe being a crab is not such a bad thing after all. Maybe being a crab is more human than being a man. Maybe we're all a little bit of a crab sometimes, and maybe that's okay.

[Redban]

Thank you. Oh, my God. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, with an absolute it award winning performance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, you could have won an Emmy, a grammy, an Oscar, a Tony. I think you just did it. I think you got the. What's that called? The egot. I think that's the first time anybody's think any. I think this is the first time someone's got an egot during their performance here on Kill.

[Adam Ray]

Tony, that's the best crab murder Bobby Moynihan story I've ever heard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tom Green, what do you think about?

[Tom Green]

I mean, there's not enough crab stuff going around in comedy right now.

[Redban]

Thank you.

[Tom Green]

Thank you for saying that like it's a good. A good angle. Because you gotta find an angle that's a new angle.

[Adam Ray]

No one's touching it.

[Tom Green]

It's fun. It's funny. Your dad actually taught me how to catch crabs too. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Redban]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey, an unbelievable performance to start the show. We fucking love you.

[Redban]

Thank you so much.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you, guys.

[Redban]

He's on tour. He's on the road with me with William Montgomery. Try to follow him. He's hard to track. He moves side to side at an unbelievably fast pace. Make some noise one more time for Casey Rocket. Oh, my goodness. What a way to start the show. Casey is on fire.

[Tom Green]

Crabs.

[Redban]

And now we go to the bucket. You guys know how this works. Anything can happen. We don't know anything about these people. Before they get pulled. Anybody has an opportunity. Lower your expectations. Following that unbelievable performance from Casey Rocket. But who knows this? These bucket pools could be the future. It's where we found everybody that's ever been on the show here right now. 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pull of the night. Brendan Mahaney, everybody. Brendan Mahaney.

[Brendan Mahaney]

My truck's been in the shop for the last four weeks. I'm really starting to understand why you people used to hang horse thieves around here. I mean, besides being colored on a Tuesday. I mean, maybe it wouldn't be so bad if pizza rolls weren't my favorite food. My therapist says my obsession is more like a projection because we have so much in common. Both cheap, fattening, baked at 425. Thanks, man. I was recently informed that I look like my pornhub search history just says Bass Pro Shops. Yeah, I ain't even mad. I mean, I hunt whitetail all year round. I know I got a face for camo paint. I mean, God wrote that joke. I'm just leaning into the punchline. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I will say my love life is a lot like fishing. You can't clean what you can't catch. That's why I took up running. But I always catch and release. Always catch and release. Remember, single moms are like hard drugs, recreational use only. Do not fuck around and get addicted. They will both fuck your life up. Wu Tang's for the kids.

[Redban]

Okay. Brendan Mahaney. Dude. Wow, Is amazing that you're here since

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was informed that you were murdered by Bobby Moynihan

[Redban]

with musical guest Matiah.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, you're a Bobby Moynihan character for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations on your victory in a fight against a giant crab.

[Redban]

This is amazing to have Casey's father follow him like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back from the grave. This is incredible. Brendan, is this your first time on the show?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, welcome. Did you come straight from the Vietnam War.

[Adam Ray]

From an army surplus store?

[Brendan Mahaney]

No, I. I did. I was in the army 14 years.

[Adam Ray]

Let's go, dude.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Brian Lumbra]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Actual man in our audience.

[Brendan Mahaney]

That's what I'm talking about. My battle buddy over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely. What did you do in the army, exactly?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I was a tanker.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Brendan Mahaney]

And then I got sent to Afghanistan, where we don't have any tanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So then tanked pretty hard on stage

[Redban]

tonight, so that's the good news. So what did you do in Afghanistan if you're a tanker with no tanks?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Well, all right. Then they send us to train the police.

[Redban]

Oh, no tanks.

[Brendan Mahaney]

No, no, no.

[Redban]

Thank you, John D's.

[Tom Green]

Something's not adding up here.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I. I was actually with Canadians.

[Tom Green]

Yeah, they had. Canadians had tanks over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Canadians have A military.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Green]

My dad was in the military. He was a tanker actually, as well.

[Redban]

Yeah, you they represent.

[Tom Green]

We only have one tank, though. It's a Volkswagen Beetle with a shotgun welded to the roof.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

How much other. What were your other porn hub searches? Besides fish stuff? I like, I'm not the first person to ask you that.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I mean, you actually. Yeah, you are.

[Redban]

What are you really into in a non comedy world?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you actually look up when you're looking at pornography? Porn?

[Tom Green]

I'm not sure I want to know, to be honest with you.

[Adam Ray]

You do, Tom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I feel like it's gonna surprise us. I feel like it's. I feel like he's gonna shock us right here. What are you into exactly?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I mean, I usually just scroll the thumbnails and by the third scroll, I'm done.

[Redban]

Wow. Somebody called Leonard Skinner. Because I think we have a simple man here. My goodness.

[Tom Green]

He's not picky. He's not picky.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I mean, I spent so much time beating off in Porta John's, I get a stiffy every time somebody crop dust me, man. I mean, disgusting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Adam Ray]

Why didn'. You're set.

[Redban]

I.

[Adam Ray]

Instead of ending with a. A PSA about single moms, then being like w tangs with the kids.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Which is not a bad closer. But now. Wait, single moms? You with a lot of single moms?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

How many?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Two or three.

[Violent J]

Wow.

[Brendan Mahaney]

That. It? I didn't. I'm a hard learner.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I, you know, I was raised by a single mom, so, like, I'm just trying to envision if you were in the, you know, if my mom came home, was like, hey, Mita, meet this guy. You want to go fishing?

[Violent J]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

No, not the way you said that.

[Redban]

No, not at all.

[Brendan Mahaney]

That was the character.

[Adam Ray]

But you would say that to the. The kids?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Ah, I mean, I, I, yeah, I just don't even at this point. But yeah, you know, I try to, you know, try to connect the kids.

[Violent J]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So, Brandon, how long you been doing standup comedy?

[Brendan Mahaney]

About nine months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Since I moved here.

[Violent J]

Here from?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All in Austin, Texas. Where'd you move from?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Winston Salem, North Carolina.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. You grew tobacco?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Actually, I was a physical security technician.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean exactly?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Installing key card readers and, like, cameras and stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good.

[Redban]

Thank you. Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much.

[Redban]

That totally.

[Tom Green]

What was that? I didn't recognize that.

[Redban]

That.

[Tom Green]

What was that? That song that you just played there. I didn't recognize that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Brendan, what made you want to start standup comedy nine months ago? How old are you? 51.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I just turned 44.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness. Wow.

[Redban]

Stan, did you dirty. Yeah.

[Tom Green]

Good Lord, this man's a hero.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, a tankless tanker. Why does it look like the American flag on your hat is removable?

[Adam Ray]

Do you have a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a flag of a different country underneath or something?

[Tom Green]

It's got the Taliban flag right under it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that Velcro? Am I seeing that right?

[Robert May]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can take that off if you want. Is there anything underneath?

[Brendan Mahaney]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have other Velcro things. You switch it out sometimes when you're mad at America?

[Tom Green]

No, turn it upside down.

[Adam Ray]

It's not a bad idea.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Turn it upside down and. Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do you have other Velcro replaceables?

[Casey Rocket]

Yes.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What other types of Velcros do you put on your hat?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I have one that is IR reflective, so you can see it when you have your night vision goggles on. I have one that's like, Red band's

[Redban]

hard as a rock right now. It's cool.

[Adam Ray]

There was absolute silence in the entire mother sim. Except Redburn goes, yeah, just. Finally, another night vision feller.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

Keep in mind, fellas, this guy can murder us with two fingers.

[Redban]

So no doubt about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you ever kill anybody when you were in the army?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Redban]

You did?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do to do that? Bore them to death.

[Redban]

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Go ahead, go ahead. Well, the.

[Brendan Mahaney]

The first guy died from an infection, so.

[Cam Patterson]

Wait.

[Redban]

The first guy is an American hero? Okay, come on. What did you say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The first guy, what, he died from an infection? What kind of infection?

[Tom Green]

Well, that's not. So that's how you take out the enemy. You give him an infection?

[Redban]

Well, I mean, slow burn.

[Tom Green]

I gave him syphilis.

[Redban]

We got another one.

[Tom Green]

I snuck into their tent in the middle of night and jerked off on them.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yeah, things get wild in Third. On a Thursday in Afghanistan, I went to Kandahar.

[Tom Green]

Actually, I did stand up in Kandahar.

[Violent J]

Her.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Nice.

[Tom Green]

Were you over there at the time?

[Brendan Mahaney]

No, I. I did see Robin Williams.

[Tom Green]

Okay, well, yeah, that's probably better.

[Redban]

You got to see Robin Williams.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Well, actually, I missed his set, but he saw me, like, crying by the fence, and he came off the bus and got a group picture with my team.

[Adam Ray]

He's like, don't worry. There's more single moms out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know why. Why were you crying by the fence

[Redban]

defense at the time?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Well, basically, like, the first thing I saw when we got in country was this banner that said, and we got USO show on this date. And so I knew Robin Williams was going to be there. And that's all I look forward to all year. And then that day, we got called across to another province because the chairman of the Joint Chiefs wanted to look at a truck team.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so the reason why you were crying is because you weren't going to get to see Robin Williams.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yeah, we missed it. We got there right as the road were packing up, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he came over and said hi to you.

[Robert May]

Yeah.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yeah, it was awesome. He got off the bus and he was like, hey, did you like the show? And I was like, we missed it. He's like, oh. And he, like, went up and got everybody off the bus and made him come out and take a picture.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Just think if he wouldn't have talked to you, he might still be with us right now.

[Redban]

Some people say this was the. It was the thing that put him over the edge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you feel like this win tonight? Are you. Did you have fun up here tonight?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I. I had a good time. I'm glad. You know, I'm looking forward to doing better next time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Adam Ray]

And you're super poised and, like, comfortable. Like you said nine months, right?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yes, sir.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. Did you do it in. In Salem, North Carolina, before you came here?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I tried.

[Casey Rocket]

It's.

[Brendan Mahaney]

It's a lot of, you know, you show up and they're like, hey, do you know Tony? And like, oh, sorry, this is full kind of stuff. You know, not. Not you, Tony. I mean, I just meant that's a weird.

[Redban]

That's a weird, weird. You could have said any name.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Any name.

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Hey, do you know Tony and Red Band?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, welcome to stand up comedy here at the Mothership.

[Redban]

Welcome to the Kill Tony world. A minute from Brendan Mahaney to start the bucket pull portion. Thank you for your service. Ready to start the bucket pole portion. Thank you for your service. And we go straight to our second bucket poll. Just like that. You see how it works? Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian. Robert May, everybody. Robert May. Here he is.

[Robert May]

How we doing, everybody? Got some exciting news to share. I am happy to announce I am no longer taking the antidepressant medication that the doctor was prescribing to my mom. So that's good. She really needs it right now. I'm gonna be fine. Instead, I've been recently taking the stuff from her oncologist. It's way stronger. Feel that shit in Your lymph nodes. You ever boof? Thyroid meds. We used to call them lymph biscuits. Couple Fred heads in here.

[Redban]

All right.

[Robert May]

My mom's cool, though. She used to bum me some of her Adderall when I was, like, in between scripts or whatever, because she knows I need it, you know? Not proud to say that at my age, but I've been taking it every day for nearly two decades, you know, it is what it is. My mom, on the other hand. My mom is 69 years old and retired. What the fuck do you need Adderall for, Mom? You gonna do laundry harder because your plants aren't growing any faster? One time I came home, this woman was folding the dishes. That's my time.

[Redban]

A good set? Solid. Robert May, welcome. Have you been on the show before?

[Robert May]

Negative.

[Redban]

First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Robert May]

On and off, About a year and a half. Two years maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, about two years. Guys, what do you think about Robert May?

[Tom Green]

I like that.

[Redban]

I wasn't asking you guys. I was asking the esteemed panel here.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Adam Ray and Tom Green.

[Tom Green]

Some nice writing there. Good writing. I like that.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Very.

[Tom Green]

Yeah. Very well done. Very well done. I know your mom, too, by the way.

[Adam Ray]

She gave him crabs.

[Tom Green]

Yeah, that's why she's on antidepressants.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Adam Ray]

Wait, you said on and off. Stand up.

[Cam Patterson]

How.

[Adam Ray]

What was causing the breaks?

[Robert May]

I worked at a comedy club that opened up down the street, like, two years ago. Kind of got into it. Fucking bombed right off the bat. Took some time, got back into it. More intentional now.

[Adam Ray]

Wrote the folding dishes joke and then was like, I'm ready.

[Redban]

Yeah, that was it.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I was like, I got one minute.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. You said you take Adderall yourself?

[Robert May]

I do, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Does it help?

[Robert May]

It does. I think so, yeah.

[Violent J]

With what?

[Redban]

Focus.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Just about everything, man.

[Tom Green]

You don't happen to have any on you right now, do you?

[Robert May]

They emptied our pockets.

[Tom Green]

Just asking for Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what do you do for work now?

[Robert May]

I'm a. I'm in sales. I sell lasers for manufacturing.

[Tom Green]

Wait, lasers?

[Redban]

Wow. No, you don't.

[Adam Ray]

What do you really do?

[Tom Green]

Luke Skywalker and lasers.

[Violent J]

What the.

[Adam Ray]

Wait, what?

[Robert May]

That's some, like, the bottom of your can. Might have, like, a laser marker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you sell us a laser right now? Can you show us how you would sell us a laser? Oh, I don't know. I might need to buy something. What should I get? Oh, hey, what do you do?

[Robert May]

I sell lasers, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, why would I need a laser?

[Robert May]

For all sorts of things. What kind are you looking for something

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that shoots like a laser?

[Tom Green]

Perfect.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I got a deal.

[Robert May]

Two for 20.

[Tom Green]

What the is going on?

[Robert May]

It's 20 grand.

[Adam Ray]

It feels like this feels like a video that that fish guy would look up on porno.

[Tom Green]

I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck. What do you mean? Lasers?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You mean like Pink Floyd laser light shell lasers?

[Robert May]

No, no. Like, for marking any kind of product. Like on cans, you see a lot of them. Like your expiration date on water bottles.

[Tom Green]

I still don't understand. You mean when you buy something at the checkout, at the store, like a barcode? The little. The barcode. Laser reader etching?

[Robert May]

Not. Not exactly. Oh, but like the best buying, hard to sell. You guys typically aren't my clientele.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I don't think anyone likes your fucking attitude right now. Yeah, no, that's fine.

[Redban]

What do you do for fun, Robert?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else do you do when you're not doing stand up.

[Redban]

The lovely Heidi, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, thank you.

[Robert May]

I would say golf is one of my favorite hobbies. I just got back from Hawaii yesterday. Five days, played a couple course. One course. I don't know why I said couple. One course out there. So. I love to golf. I love graphic design also. It's a passion of mine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fine. Oh, my goodness gracious. Red bands. Hard as a rock.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. What's your love life like? By the looks of your hair. You right before your set.

[Robert May]

It's. It's going well. I got a girlfriend of two years. We were in Hawaii together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice.

[Robert May]

She thought I was gonna propose the whole time. No, we did take a helicopter to the top of a waterfall, so.

[Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Robert May]

It was planned a while ago.

[Adam Ray]

The whole time, you're like, what a great place to get proposed.

[Robert May]

That's what everyone said.

[Martin Phillips]

Like, all.

[Robert May]

Everyone's like, oh, you here for your honeymoon or a special occasion?

[Redban]

Like shut the up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Martin Phillips]

That's funny.

[Adam Ray]

It was Moana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you acknowledge it at all?

[Robert May]

No, we did.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Robert May]

We're very open about it. She knows it's gonna happen.

[Redban]

You know, sometimes it's gonna happen sometime

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

soon, but not on top of a

[Redban]

helicopter waterfall in Hawaii.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When? When do you think you're gonna do it? Are you just setting her up for complete disappointment? Adam, what do you think?

[Adam Ray]

What do you think she's more bummed about the fact that she didn't get proposed in Hawaii on a hel. Fact that you sell lasers and can't describe it properly? I mean, wait, so you got to make pretty good money doing this. Right.

[Robert May]

Well, that's how we got there. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Let's go. Did you meet her? Okay, so break this down for me. The first date, you're. You're selling lasers at that time, right?

[Robert May]

No, actually I was working at the comedy club down the street.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, great. And so then she was like, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

need something more like stable, babe.

[Adam Ray]

She.

[Robert May]

She does better than I do.

[William Montgomery]

What does she do?

[Robert May]

She's like a HR business partner for microchip manufacturer here in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. So she's used to working with pretty good things that are micro.

[Robert May]

I'd say so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so when do you. What do you now that you haven't done it on a waterfall in Hawaii? When do you think you will? What. What do you have planned? What do you have up your sleeve?

[Robert May]

That's a great question. We were. We were thinking about that. Or I was thinking about that the entire time.

[Redban]

Yeah, she was thinking about it too. The entire time.

[Adam Ray]

Like how big do you want to go? Like. Or does just like just let some flowers out and like just. Cuz some girls don't want a big H. Right? Like she'll almost be thrown off if you do that.

[Robert May]

She mentioned she wanted it on a jumbotron.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[Redban]

Dude, run for your life, bro. Oh my God.

[Adam Ray]

You should have push off that helicopter. Yeah.

[Redban]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Tom Green]

All right.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Disgusting.

[Robert May]

I said maybe an open mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay,

[Adam Ray]

so yeah, so just kind of looking up and like it'll be you and then you'll just go.

[Robert May]

I really can't think of how that would work, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Robert May]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

I mean you could have red band, like send a cameo or something.

[Redban]

That is true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be good.

[Violent J]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's something crazy we'd be surprised to know about you. Your entire life, your history. Ever do anything nuts? Accomplish anything? Anything weird? Weird special skills or talents? Anything about you at all?

[Robert May]

Those are a couple different questions.

[Redban]

I feel like you can answer any of them.

[Robert May]

I think that I. I like graphic design. I mentioned that. But like I've done it freelance for about. Since college, so for about 15 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not graphic design. All right, that's something a little more exciting. You ever save somebody's life? You ever almost die? Ever do anything exciting? Something. There's something not in front of a computer screen.

[Robert May]

Yeah, I. I just joined an adult men's baseball league. It's for 30 up year olds.

[Redban]

I think we found out what Jumbotron someone's getting proposed on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. What position you play in this league?

[Robert May]

Shortstop and pitcher.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What type of heat are we throwing, going.

[Redban]

What do you got about low 80,

[Robert May]

low 80s, upper 70s, low 80s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's pretty good. Okay, can you put the mic in the mic stand and show us your pitching?

[Robert May]

Would love to wind up or stretch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do. Let's do wind up.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, I'll give you the. The baseball announcer, right? So, yeah, what was your first and last name again?

[William Montgomery]

Robert.

[Redban]

Robert May.

[Adam Ray]

On the hill, he's two balls, one strike, Beijing to Brian Redband, who's never swung a bat in his life, but he has taken many swings on the Internet.

[Redban]

Red band has a turkey leg for a baseball bat.

[Adam Ray]

You know, May's waving off a lot of signs. He also throws lasers. We'll see if that. If he's thinking about it, proposing it. Here comes the.

[Redban]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Redban]

Red band hits it. Here he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Robert May, everybody. Congratulations, Robert.

[Redban]

There's a big joke book there. He goes on to the next one. Oh, you know what? We have a special treat for you guys. You guys like special treats, Ladies and gentlemen. You know, every once in a while on this show and it's crazy, lately

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we have found out that we have

[Redban]

some amazing fans in different parts of the music universe and here to perform for you, ladies and gentlemen, right now at this very moment, one of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, this is an artist that has been around our lives for as far back as I can remember. Member here to perform on Kill.

[Redban]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for the Insane Clown

[Redban]

Posse's very own Violin J, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Oh. Oh, hell yes.

[Tom Green]

Wow.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tom Green]

Awesome.

[Violent J]

Appreciate the applause and all, but it's not like any of y' all ever bought our quit playing. And that's why I thought about what I want to say out here. And I thought it. I don't give a. But any of them think nobody. I'm going to be personal, very personal with y', all, all right? Cuz I don't care. I've never had butt sex. No, I'm seriously. I'm a 51 year old man. Love sex. Never had butt sex with a man, unfortunately, or with a woman. I've always been told my dick was too big. And I thought, well, that's the shit. But I want to have butt sex too. I always been told my dick was too big. But I'm gonna tell you this. Nowadays I watch pornhub all day and that's a lie. That's a fucking lie. My dick is not too big for nothing. My dick is like somewhere between small and medium and it's crushed down like a fire hydra. Drink it's like Barney, Fred and Barney. You know, it's like that. If my dick was. If my dick was a man, it'd be Barney. But people, you know, I want to announce me and my girlfriend the other night. Just the other night. For real. No, we got to tip in. That's a big move for me. It boosted me with mad karma. People always ask me about the face paint. In case you don't notice, I got clown paint. Huh? And people always say, is that up your face? That up your face? You wish you could see how immaculate my face is without the paint. This is like wearing. I started wearing it at 19, damn near every day of my life. This is like olive oil skin creams. Like wearing a fucking mud mask. I'm beautiful without it. Like, no, for real. I got the body. Everything about my body is 51, but my face is 19 years old. I'm dead serious, immaculate. And I don't wear my hair like this. When I don't have a paint on. My shit is primped, pressed, plucked and fucking curled. Ric Flair, for real. My shit is gorgeous. You know, I'm pretty like Prince. Can't say Prince wasn't pretty. Prince was fucking damn near hot. I was so sad when Prince died because I always knew if I had to fuck a man, like, if my life depended on it, it'd be Prince or 1983 Michael Jackson with the caramel skin and the gorgeous ass Jerry curl over that sexy eyebrow. Quit fronting. He was perfect. But now. But now, because they're both gone. If I had to fuck a man, it'd be Keanu Reeves.

[Scott Pot]

No, no.

[Violent J]

Not because I think he's hot. It just seems like he's so cool and a big hearted guy. He'll be real gentle with you and help you through it. You know what I'm saying? He would be patient with you. You might even spoon afterward. You know what I'm saying? And so that's why he's my choice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Violent J, 3 minutes and 30 seconds. Rock solid the whole way through.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever do standup before?

[Violent J]

Say it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you done standup comedy before?

[Jordan Brady]

No.

[Violent J]

Listen, let me tell you something. I'm shaking. Shaking. I'm nervous. I'm gonna tell you why.

[Adam Ray]

Perfect.

[Tom Green]

For real.

[Violent J]

No comedians. To me, I always looked at comedians like, I could never do that. Two things I know I could never do. Be a comedian or a stripper for real. Because both take crazy amounts of courage, you know, and confidence. Mad confidence. You know, everybody's expecting you to make you to make Them laugh. You know what I'm saying? And that is scary.

[Tom Green]

You sound like you have a lot of confidence, though, the way you talk about your.

[Redban]

I'll tell you.

[Adam Ray]

A lot of confidence. Yeah.

[Redban]

A solid set for a. For. I mean, a rock solid set for a first time. I love the self deprecation. You made it look like you were bragging about having a big dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you went small to medium with it. Got big laughs. Laughs. Making fun of yourself.

[Tom Green]

I can't wait for Keanu Reeves to see this.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Here's my impression of Keanu Reeves and Riley.

[Redban]

Oh,

[Cam Patterson]

Now

[Adam Ray]

you brought up the butt sexing right out of the gate. Is that. How did you decide that for. To be the opening joke?

[Violent J]

It's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

You know what I'm saying?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

And I, you know, I didn't realize I was actually gonna do a set. You know what I'm saying? And we talked about. I was going to talk about when I went to Skank Fest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

But then I was like that. I'm trying to think of some funny. You know what I mean? And that was the. It was a great experience.

[Redban]

You did good.

[Robert May]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Yeah. You did good. Oh, yeah.

[Violent J]

Kill Sony all day. I'm proud to be here. Yeah.

[Redban]

Yeah. I will say this.

[Adam Ray]

That's. That's a great. I mean, an example to people that come up here. Because sometimes people come up and they're either not prepared or they just bailing themselves. But even though you didn't have a full game plan, you went for it. Dude.

[Violent J]

Hel.

[Redban]

Deal. That's a big.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, big deal.

[Violent J]

I'm gorilla.

[Redban]

I got to do the Legion of Skanks podcast at Skank Fest with Violent

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J and Roseanne Barr. And it was one of the most

[Redban]

fun, wildest shows I've ever done in my entire life.

[Adam Ray]

That's the best Mary Kill I've ever.

[Redban]

It really was. It was.

[Tom Green]

No, I've done Stand up at the Juggalo Fest once too. That was a good gig.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, yeah.

[Violent J]

And they're very similar.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

What's up for my girlfriend?

[Violent J]

My girlfriend.

[Tom Green]

I'm a Juggalo.

[Violent J]

My girlfriend had told me like three weeks before that event, I had a dream, you're gonna be on stage with Roseanne Barr. And I was like, what the. It was funny. I'm making fun of her. And then three weeks later, we fly out there. No sleep. No sleep. We played Seattle the night before. Had the flight was like 4 in the morning. You know, we just, you know, I. All I did was had a bag of mushrooms Some kid slapped in my hand on the way out of the show. And I was such in a bad mood, I was like, why did I agree to come to this? I don't even know what it is. I have no idea what I'm walking into. You know, I ate those mushrooms, jumped in the car. I'm like, let's go, you know?

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Can you imagine being the driver with you on mushrooms, looking like that? Take me to the Roseanne Barr's house. I need to put somebody in the ass tonight.

[Violent J]

No, I had no idea, Roseanne. I had no idea. Oh, this is nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Violent J]

I didn't know nothing. I thought, I'm not gonna lie, I did, I did. Whose podcast? And he's the one that invited me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was Jay Gomez.

[Violent J]

Yeah. And I didn't know. I thought it was gonna be a podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

I didn't know it was gonna be in front of a crowd.

[Redban]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it was. It was in front of a crowd.

[Redban]

And one of the things that I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

remember very clearly, big, giant, giant, huge crowd. We're podcasting. He is truly on a unbelievable amount of mushrooms. You know, it's kind of like a podcast thing. When people don't have much to talk about. Sometimes people will do mushrooms and it'll be a running joke like, oh, he's on mushrooms.

[Trish Smart]

Haha.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's imagining this or that. He was on a ton.

[Redban]

Legit mushrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All the signs. Like, sometimes he would just fade out and, like, come back from a daydream.

[Redban]

Like he was deep in mushrooms. And about two hours in. Let me just tell this real quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About two hours in. Louis J. Gomez is like, you know, I'm just so happy to be able to have this festival, have people like Tony Roseanne, Violent J. I mean, look, Dr. Drew sitting in the third row. This is like two hours into the podcast and Violent J goes, Holy, that is Dr.

[Adam Ray]

True.

[Redban]

He had noticed.

[Violent J]

You can't just have Dr. To be sitting in the crowd. Like, it ain't a pink and green flashing elephant feeling. It's Dr. Drew sitting there.

[Redban]

And it was so blatantly Dr. Drew, like, sitting right there. Just couldn't be anybody else.

[Violent J]

Man, that thing was so much fun.

[Scott Pot]

I was.

[Violent J]

I was standing in the crowd watching. Right. And I forgot I was even a part of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

I'm not lying. The mushrooms were all kicking in at this point.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Violent J]

And when we got there, we finally started walking. It was getting more and more crowded. You could start smelling weed everywhere, and you're in a beautiful fucking venue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

You know what I mean? Everybody's drinking. It's like 1pm and then we turn the corner, there's a boxing ring with two chicks and thongs fighting and like a thousand people watching. Right Then I'm like, whoa, this is dope.

[Redban]

Oh yeah.

[Tom Green]

I like that story better than the fucking prince in the ass one.

[Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Tom Green]

I mean they were both good though.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah. If something ever happens to me, you got to do my audiobook.

[Violent J]

Book? Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Like the autobiography.

[Tom Green]

This

[Adam Ray]

played Wolverine at Universal Studios Hollywood.

[Redban]

It is incredible violin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You, you are a very, very amazing performer. The Juggalo gathering is happening again.

[Redban]

They juggle Gathering dot com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The festival.

[Tom Green]

That's what you're supposed to do.

[Robert May]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

What's up, fam? What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where is that festival? Where does that take place? Oh, is it always somewhere different? Yeah, I know you guys do it every year.

[Tom Green]

A lot of mushrooms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The gathering of the gathering is.

[Tom Green]

I went to the one in Cave in Rock, Illinois.

[Violent J]

It was in ca. We moved it to Illinois.

[Tom Green]

What a night. It was Ohio.

[Violent J]

No, it's in Ohio.

[Tom Green]

It's a star studded event. Tila Tequila was there. Ron Jeremy.

[Brian Lumbra]

Jeremy.

[Tom Green]

It was just. Method man was there. Method man was there.

[Violent J]

I never liked Ron Jeremy. How come now let me put that. I want to make this quick, real quick thing. I always didn't like him. Every time I went to la, Ron Jeremy and he stank. Ass breath anywhere, anywhere. And I just was like, back off me, man. I told him that I didn't never like that fool.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject.

[Redban]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Violent J]

By the way, you're right. No, no, no, no, you're right. He did play. He did come to the gathering in the next year. During the gathering we were hearing complaints and we kicked him the out.

[Redban]

Oh wow.

[Violent J]

Straight up, straight up. He never even performed.

[Tom Green]

Look at Gallagher was there.

[Violent J]

He's lucky he didn't get stomped. We're from, you know, we're old school gangsters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh yeah, bro.

[Adam Ray]

How many people?

[Violent J]

But we knew we didn't have any money. You know, it's not like you could sue us, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Adam Ray]

How many people do you think have like refused immediately greet with Ron Jeremy cuz they're like, dude, I hear his breath smells like diarrhea, man.

[Redban]

Yeah. I think anybody that wants to meet

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ron Jeremy is going to go along for the ride.

[Redban]

I don't think the breath is a deal breaker on that.

[Cam Patterson]

But.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yeah, if you get close enough, I guess, you know.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Violent J.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An unbelievable Perform.

[Redban]

Thank you so much for coming out.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you.

[Redban]

So cool.

[Violent J]

Thank you all very much. Thank you for listening.

[Redban]

So much fun. Juggalogathering.com brought us an amazing bottle of champagne. What's that champagne called?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Violin J. Oh, he's gone. All right, all right. Made it. Pull the what?

[Redban]

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Scott Pot. Everybody, here's Scott Potter.

[Scott Pot]

This is awkward. They took my smoke bombs. I thought this was gonna be like a Kill Tony where we try to kill Tony. Turns out we just talk him into suicide. I did some more research though. Turns out he's gay. So my plan is to seduce him and then fuck him to death. My only concern is my dick isn't big enough. Might be a little bit too loose down there, Tony. My backup plan, Choke him to death with it. They call me the nine inch Nailer at work. It's only eight and a half, but close enough. Fuck a minute.

[Casey Rocket]

It's really long.

[Scott Pot]

Another one.

[Tom Green]

I'm from.

[Scott Pot]

I'm from Potland. Oan. Can't say the hard R. There we go.

[Redban]

Well, well, well, Scott Pot. Look at this. I always love it when a YouTube commenter tries stand up for the first time. This is great. Not as easy as it looks, huh, troll boy?

[Scott Pot]

First time.

[Redban]

I know, I know it's your first. First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're unbelievably terrible.

[Redban]

Everything you thought was going to go good was bad. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have like a. You have like a. Like a Reddit handle and a troll account online? I, I'm getting a real troll vibe here.

[Redban]

Cuz you thought you were going to come in and just kill the host. I'm going to go in, I'm going to take over, joke about him to get death and his loose asshole and just dead silence. I can hear violent J breathing on his way up the stairs. I mean absolutely God awful terrible. I can't imagine it going any worse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you came in with an unbelievable

[Redban]

amount of almost confidence, but not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you just thought you were gonna do something special here. How did you think that was going to go, Scott Pot?

[Scott Pot]

A little better than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I bet you.

[Redban]

So how old are you, Scott?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Time to start answering questions.

[Tom Green]

Let me guess, you did like it there. Very much.

[Redban]

How old are you, Scott?

[Scott Pot]

I'm 27.

[Redban]

What do you do for work, Scott Pot?

[Scott Pot]

I am a carpenter. I do construction.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, good job.

[Scott Pot]

Water damage restoration. It's. It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Looks like God is you to death, huh?

[Redban]

He was also a carpenter. He died at 28. So fingers crossed. I think he died at 28, maybe 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Redban]

One of those clubs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Scott, what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. You've never done stand up before. Nothing to talk about there.

[Scott Pot]

I smoke weed, play frisbee, golf. I fish, hike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Tom Green]

Sounds about right.

[Scott Pot]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah, tell us more. What else? Dude, come on. Here you are.

[Adam Ray]

I've smoked weed with this guy in Portland several times.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

Nice.

[Brendan Mahaney]

How.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's that possible?

[Tom Green]

Sounds like it must have been a lot of fun. We. We ran. We ran into you. We together ran into you on the street today, actually. Actually, you were walking down the street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Redban]

Was this the guy that you were talking to?

[Tom Green]

The guy.

[Redban]

Holy.

[Adam Ray]

We ran into Scott and then Scott, by the way, I had no idea those jokes were in your brain.

[Redban]

So they literally told me this story about a crazy guy that they ran into while going to lunch today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Somehow, out of 200 people, you got pulled out of this bucket. Just to let you know, we had a laugh about you earlier, Scott.

[Tom Green]

You made an impression. So, Scott, we were talking about you. You before the show.

[Adam Ray]

Scott has. I've seen him at a few of my Portland shows. Very pleasant. Smoke some pot. And then I am outside with Tom, and I are getting lunch, and Scott's like, I just flew here. I'm signing up to get pulled into the bucket. I was like, dude, best of luck. And then two minutes later, Scott runs in front of Tom and goes, I swear to God, I'm not stalking you guys. But what's up?

[Scott Pot]

Remember say that I said, I'm not stalking you. I'm going to the pot shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shop?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Scott Pot]

Well, completely different.

[Redban]

The old Texas pot shop.

[Adam Ray]

Scott, I didn't know you did standup, though.

[Tom Green]

I said it quite loudly too. I don't think you're supposed to do that in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

So.

[Adam Ray]

So this is your first time doing standup?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Violent J]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

All right, now what are we doing?

[Redban]

Obviously, Were you planning on doing this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was this something that you were going to do before you came across them earlier on the streets, or did you see them and you're like, maybe. Maybe this is a sign I should sign up?

[Scott Pot]

No, I flew in just to sign up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You flew in here to do that set?

[Scott Pot]

Something like that, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you prepare anything else you just thought you were gonna come on, and the beloved host of the show, you were gonna make jokes about to death, and then crowd was going to go wild at you, A complete stranger with no confidence or swagger, taking shots at the Person who they love week after

[Redban]

week, two hours at a pop. Giving them unbelievable free content from the future and the present. Finding talent time after time, week after week. Taking his own energy to book the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

best possible guests at the right times, at the right places, with certain things spaced out in a timely fashion, leading up to sold out arenas all across America.

[Tom Green]

Clearly you didn't think it through.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little too much pot, Scott.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

Still takes a lot of courage though, to try anyway to slide out and try and do that.

[Redban]

It takes a lot of courage to do what you did up here, buddy.

[Scott Pot]

Yeah, liquid courage.

[Tom Green]

Still. You're still on the show. That's pretty impressive.

[Adam Ray]

Did you have jokes that weren't directed towards, like Tony and his ass and suicide? Like. Yeah, like Joe. Like jokes like. Cuz that was weird.

[Scott Pot]

Yeah. I ran some stuff by my friend and he told me to do the stuff about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If he told you to do that,

[Redban]

you sure he's your friend?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did you meet this friend?

[Scott Pot]

Elementary school.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And he watches the show every week?

[Scott Pot]

Not every week, but he's a fan.

[Redban]

What grade is he in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's still in elementary school.

[Redban]

Right there.

[Trish Smart]

It's got.

[Adam Ray]

Sorry. It was too perfect.

[Violent J]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

What grade is he in?

[Violent J]

A fourth grader.

[Adam Ray]

Told him make fun of his Scott. I've never seen the show. My mom restricts my YouTube. But do it.

[Redban]

Oh my goodness. Scott, Scott, Scott. You know Bonsai earlier, who makes all these joke books?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He makes so much great. The keychains, all this stuff. You know, all the little joke books

[Redban]

that say like it's funny stuff on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the back they have cr. You know, WTF with dead eyes and

[Redban]

go home on the back of the little joke books.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And earlier in the green room, he said, you know, I have this one. I don't know if you want to do anything with it, but it's. It's a joke book in case you come across a hairy situation. It's a joke book made out of hair.

[Redban]

And guess what, my friend? This is the hairy situation we were looking for. Scott Pot. Get the fuck out of here.

[Tom Green]

All right, man.

[Redban]

There he goes. There he goes. A hairy situation indeed. Follow Bonsai on social media. Bones with a Z I all one word. You know, we need to cleanse our palette after Scott Pot was just up here. So why not bring up one of our most esteemed regulars of all time? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from a force of nature that we call Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

What's up, white bitch?

[Brian Lumbra]

All right, let's.

[Tom Green]

You ever pre.

[Cam Patterson]

Came on yourself, sir. You ever pre ejaculated on yourself? I did a lot when I was 17. It was weird. I would ask my dad, be like, hey, pops. I keep coming on myself. What do I do? He was like, nigga, that's gay. That's gay as hell. And I was like, how was that gay? You got nut on your skin. That's gay. That's gay. Hell. And I been. It was weird. Cause I was fucking the same girl. Bright as hell. God damn. I was fucking the same girl I lost my virginity to. And I always. I just kept nutting on myself. And I think my dick was just like, she too much for us now. We can't do it no more.

[Redban]

She too much for us.

[Cam Patterson]

And I just kept. I just kept coming on myself. I remember the last time I was fucking with her, I had my dick out and I was ready to. I was ready to fuck. I was ready to go. And I felt myself finna come

[Violent J]

and

[Cam Patterson]

I asked her to suck my dick. I went here with a sneak attack. You feel what I'm saying? I like, just suck it real quick. And she was like, you don't need me to do that. And then I nutted and it was weird. Cause she threw me a rag and she was like, clean yourself off, you whore. And I was like, I feel like a real dirty slut just then. That was crazy. I didn't. That's all I got right now. But I will read y' all one of my thoughts I wrote down earlier today. I wrote this down on my phone. This. I saw a lady with a scarf, and I just went, your neck ain't that cold.

[Redban]

A little poetry from the great Cam Patterson. He's done it again. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam.

[Cam Patterson]

That was something, I'll tell you that, man. It was hard

[Tom Green]

stuff for sure.

[Redban]

Following Scott Pot, that was an unbelievable performance.

[Cam Patterson]

That was horrible. That was terrible. He was God awful, dog.

[Redban]

Yeah, he was all kinds of bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You came out with a blind stick and sunglasses. What made you do that?

[Cam Patterson]

I just seen it sticking, like, I'mma take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right.

[Cam Patterson]

He not going to see me do it.

[Redban]

It's true. I realize when I turn around. Worth it.

[Tom Green]

You might want to give it back to him.

[Cam Patterson]

He don't really need it.

[Redban]

I just got to watch D Madness realize what was happening at the beginning of the set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did okay. It worked out all right. Okay. I love it, Cam. What else is going on in the world now?

[Cam Patterson]

I just run around on the road. You know what I'm Saying, hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Where'd you see a lady with a scarf earlier? It's a warm day today.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, we're not today. It was in. We was in. We was in, like, Portland. Portland or some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And I seen a lady with a scarf. That couldn't have been that cold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

I hate scars. Scars are stupid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They are pretty dumb.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm saying?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Like, you get a. Get a turtleneck or something. That's the dumbest, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love a good turtleneck.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, turtleneck's cool.

[Redban]

You feel that?

[Adam Ray]

How many thoughts like that do you have written down? Like, I would have listened to at least 20 more of those with some soft piano.

[Cam Patterson]

Random ass thoughts.

[Tom Green]

Scarf material around, like, talking about scarves.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, we need more of that.

[Tom Green]

We need more of that.

[Adam Ray]

But you have other things written down. Like, I saw this at Panda Express getting double chicken. You don't need that.

[Redban]

You already fit.

[Cam Patterson]

You don't need no double ticket.

[Redban]

You do have the kind of cadence

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

where you can pretty much say anything, and it's funny.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, that.

[Redban]

Yeah, that could be your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might be a redneck. Like, you don't need that.

[Cam Patterson]

That could be hard.

[Violent J]

Oh, my God.

[Cam Patterson]

That.

[Adam Ray]

He's like a new, like, weight loss coach.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw an old lady at the grocery store buying tampons. I'm like, you don't need that.

[Redban]

You're 83. Yeah,

[Cam Patterson]

I saw old buying condoms. You don't nut no more.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't nut. No.

[Redban]

Well, I can't say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good catchphrase, too.

[Cam Patterson]

You don't nut no more.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Yeah, I like that.

[Cam Patterson]

That's my favorite word.

[Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

It's a good word, man. Y' all can't use it, but y', all, you know.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah.

[Redban]

You don't not know more, my friend. Buddy, old pal.

[Adam Ray]

And I wish you well.

[Redban]

Yeah. I love it, Cam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We just did. What, Cleveland together? Hell, yeah. We had fun. Ate pizza and ice cream at my mom's place. Your dad was there. We roasted your dad's feet all weekend.

[Cam Patterson]

Worth feeding the game, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam's dad likes to wear sandals, and he has. What would. How would you describe your father's feet exactly?

[Cam Patterson]

Slave toes.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. Slave toes. If I had to put it in perspective.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Aren't they playing Coachella this year?

[Violent J]

My dad got some ass hills. He put some sauce.

[Adam Ray]

I'm like, you don't need those.

[Violent J]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

How did he develop such bad.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no, bro. I got him, too. I got bad.

[Adam Ray]

I got a business down.

[Cam Patterson]

He Gave them to me. He got, like, real talents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I talked to. His mom was on speakerphone before one of the shows. I said, hi, we're. We're good friends. They. They're on the road sometimes with us hanging out. Out selling rocks and whatnot.

[Redban]

Actual rocks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Literal rocks. His merchandise businesses. I actually am rocking the new Cam Patterson.

[Redban]

Awesome. In the homage of almost a no limit soldier style shirt. Come on, throwback.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's [e-mail].

[Cam Patterson]

yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With a K. Cam Patterson.

[Adam Ray]

And you can buy those. The blind. The walking sticks too, right?

[Cam Patterson]

I'm also. I'm also selling these walking sticks.

[Redban]

You don't need those,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam.

[Tom Green]

Get some scar on there.

[Cam Patterson]

Maybe I need to get some scars on there too.

[Tom Green]

Scarves on there. You can nut on every one of them. Yeah, that'd be a good seller.

[Cam Patterson]

That'd be a good business. Nut. No scarves.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Would you buy a scarf I nutted on, sir?

[Tom Green]

Yeah. Would you buy. Would you buy a scarf that he nutted on, sir? It's funnier the way you say it.

[Redban]

Yeah, he looks.

[Adam Ray]

Had you been to Pittsburgh and Cleveland before? You go to all these new cities, right?

[Cam Patterson]

That was my first time. Let's go. That's really fun.

[Adam Ray]

What'd you say?

[Cam Patterson]

It was cool. Well, Pittsburgh was the. The theater we was at was from 1898. Oh, that's crazy, dog. And it was me and Jolly back to back, so I know the ghost in that were mad as hell.

[Redban]

Who let these in here, dog?

[Cam Patterson]

What the type of is this?

[Redban]

All right, you're a superstar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else you want to say before you get out of here?

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no, man. I'm having this. This is the best time of my life. I'm having a good time, man.

[Redban]

Hell yeah. We are too. We're loving it.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah, man.

[Redban]

Cold blooded assassin Cam. Pat Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes, killing it on the road. I mean, literally getting blatantly better every week. And he just laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. It's crazy. Gotta see him live to understand.

[Jordan Brady]

All right.

[Redban]

Pulled another name out of the bucket. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Brian Lumbra. Everybody. Back to the Bucket with Brian Lumbra. Here we go.

[Brian Lumbra]

I got scammed on Instagram recently. This guy from Gambia messaged me. Him and his siblings were starving. Him and his siblings were starving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great.

[Brian Lumbra]

Fantastic. Here we go. Of course I was gonna fucking blank out with the fucking thing. I've been fucking staring at the notes outside. Okay, no, look, so he's this Guy from Gambia fucking messaged me. He keeps fucking messaging me. He calls me all the fucking time. I sent him money once, I sent him money twice. There's always an emergency. My phone is 911 for Gambia. It's fucking driving me crazy. I'm jerking off. Gambia's call Colin. I'm jerking off again. Gambia is Colin now. I'm jerking off again. I'm just like, fuck. Two weeks ago, I spent $150 on malaria pills. And I was like, that's it. This has got to stop. And he. I said, that's it. This has got to stop.

[Redban]

Yes, it does. Does got to stop right there. Brian Lumbra. Wow. All right, shut up. Hold on.

[Adam Ray]

Bring back Scott Pot. No, no, dude, we've all been there.

[Redban]

Gambia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you're really stuck on the Gambia thing. Is anything that you were trying to talk about real or trill?

[Brian Lumbra]

It's all true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Brian Lumbra]

It gets. It gets. It gets crazier too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. What happened? Why don't you just tell us in real life? Like in real. Like we're just humans talking. So I heard you've been getting scammed lately. What's going on?

[Cam Patterson]

Well, I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[Brian Lumbra]

I've kind of been going back and forth whether it's a scam or not, but it's always an emergency, right? And I just keep giving this guy money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that really happening?

[Brian Lumbra]

Oh, it is.

[Scott Pot]

And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you keep giving somebody money.

[Scott Pot]

Funny.

[Brian Lumbra]

Well, it's like I FaceTime him. He's real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Redban]

So, yeah, robots are scary.

[Brian Lumbra]

Like this. Like he's just this dude in Africa and he has like. He lives in the shack.

[Redban]

Should we have no food? No. No. Prove it. You just let some lady in the audience suggest just a segment of the show. Adam,

[Adam Ray]

you buy these malaria pills. You don't need those.

[Redban]

You've been FaceTiming with a man in Gambia, West Africa.

[Brian Lumbra]

I mean, there's not that much FaceTiming, but I needed to see he was real cuz I keep giving him money cuz, like, his story's good.

[Tom Green]

This is why telemarketing works right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much money have you given giving him today?

[Brian Lumbra]

I sent another 150 because he sent me a death certificate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you stupid?

[Tom Green]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Tom Green]

It's possible he might be.

[Brian Lumbra]

I quit my job. I'm doing. I guess I'm doing Uber.

[Redban]

Floyd. Sending money to Gambia?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Lumbra]

I gotta stop doing that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, are you.

[Brian Lumbra]

Exactly. Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's going on?

[Brian Lumbra]

Gambia, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Other than Gambia.

[Redban]

Let's Take Gambia out of the equation here.

[Adam Ray]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a head trauma of some kind.

[Brian Lumbra]

I was actually dropped in my head as a child.

[Tom Green]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There. I think we're getting. We're getting closer. Where are you from?

[Brian Lumbra]

El Paso.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you use? There you go.

[Redban]

There's the answer. All right. There it is. That answers everything. El Paso. Not a real place at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the literally the first person.

[Redban]

White person I've ever met from El Paso. Congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You win a hairy joke book.

[Adam Ray]

You said you drove Uber or you drive?

[Brian Lumbra]

Currently, I've done seven rides, so, I

[Redban]

mean, I guess keep at it.

[Tom Green]

Yeah, no, I feel like, you know, you just really work hard enough. It'll. It'll. It'll kick off one day.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Uber drivers are known for being sometimes overly chatty. Have you brought up the Gambia story to your passengers? And how do they feel?

[Tom Green]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here.

[Brian Lumbra]

Not yet. I'm going to, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you do Uber like you do stand up? No GPS whatsoever, and you just go, man, what was the route I was gonna take again?

[Brian Lumbra]

I. I get lost a lot. Yeah, that does happen, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you done stand up before?

[Brian Lumbra]

Two. I've been doing for two weeks now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two weeks. So how many times have you been on stage in two weeks? 3. And how does that go for you? Do you tell the Gambia story?

[Brian Lumbra]

This is the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That you've told the Gambia story?

[Jordan Brady]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do the other sets? What have you talked about the other times that you've done standup squirting? What? Squirting?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, sure. What's that? Stupid ass joke. Let's hear that.

[Adam Ray]

We got to hear this. Dude.

[Violent J]

What the.

[Adam Ray]

From Gia to Squirting. Your memoir title, for sure.

[Tom Green]

I'd read that,

[Redban]

yeah.

[Adam Ray]

What's the squirting joke, please?

[Brian Lumbra]

Basically, like, I made this girl squirt and I thought I was special. I, like, I read some stuff and then we changed the sheets and, like, there was more stains than the one I just made, and I was like, I'm not that special. This is kind of up. And I looked at squirting differently.

[Redban]

That was a good.

[Casey Rocket]

You don't need that.

[Tom Green]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Tom Green]

You got to start with a premise that people would leave.

[Brian Lumbra]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, yeah,

[Violent J]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

I mean, very funny. But also, yeah, I mean, Brian Lumber, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any special skills or talents? Anything at all?

[Brian Lumbra]

Played card guitar a little bit, but yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I doubt that. All right, here's a little joke book right here, buddy. There you go.

[Redban]

Brian Lumber, everybody. Absolutely terrible people watching the show. Prepare for it. My God, memorize. It's a minute. There are hundreds of people that some

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of them have talent that want to get on this show. Please, for the love of God, Prepare.

[Adam Ray]

Dude, in 10 years, we're going to see a special live from Gambia from him.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

And we're all gonna watch it. It's gonna be 90 minutes of. So I made all these girls square last week.

[Tom Green]

Hilarious. I'm sure he inspired a lot of your viewers out there, though, because it, you know, makes them believe that it is possible to get on the show.

[Aldo Caldo]

Show.

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it is true.

[Redban]

Tonight is proof that anybody can sign up and get pulled out of the bucket.

[Tom Green]

Anybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see what happens next. 60 seconds uninterrupted for bucket pull.

[Redban]

Jordan Brady, everybody. Jordan Brady is next. We're moving through it tonight.

[Jordan Brady]

Howdy. How's it going, guys? How's it going? Yeah, I. I saw a guy outside earlier, look just like the singer of Green Day. I was like, hey, Billy Joe, what's up, man? He was like, what? I was like, billy Green Day. Big fan. He was like, no, no, not me. I was like, are you sure, man? You look just like him. And he was like, no, dude, I'm sorry. I was like, dude, you're wearing a Green Day T shirt. And he goes, look, man, I'm a level with you. I'm homeless. I found the shirt in the dumpster. I don't even know this man. I'm just trying to stay warm, all right? I said, my mistake, man. So I started walking off, and he was like, wait, one more thing. I said, what's that? And he pointed a cup towards me and he said, do you have a dime? I said, billy Joe. It was him. At least I think it was him. He did smell like dookie. I used to think that homeless people were just folks on strike against bathing with their signs and whatnot. Isn't t just coffee on his period with that string and whatnot? All right, that's my time, guys. I'm Jordan Brady.

[Aldo Caldo]

Thank you very much.

[Redban]

Jordan Brady with a good dismount.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my time. I'm Jordan Brady. Thank you very much.

[Jordan Brady]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a good, good thing. You have blue, purple lips or something. What is going on there? Is that natural?

[Jordan Brady]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know?

[Tom Green]

I want to get that checked.

[Aldo Caldo]

I'm caged.

[Jordan Brady]

Sorry. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you. You've never been told or noticed that you have slightly darker lips?

[Jordan Brady]

The drinks might have been blue and shade over there at specials might have been blue at poor choices? I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you have? What did you drink?

[Jordan Brady]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know? You don't know what you drank?

[Jordan Brady]

Six dollar thing, shot with a, a lone star.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you this real quick before anyone else interrupts. Was it blue?

[Jordan Brady]

It might have been one of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say it might have been, does that mean you don't remember the drink?

[Jordan Brady]

Well, I, I, I don't have 20. 20, but I, the whatever the vodka was was cheap, so it could have been blue. Maybe not, but do if I have blue lips. I'm very confused about it as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might be having a stroke right now.

[Jordan Brady]

In that case, Jordan, you look like

[Adam Ray]

the seventh Brady Bunch kid that they sent to boarding school.

[Jordan Brady]

Yeah, that's what's up. That's what's up. My last name is.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, yeah, dude. Real, Real name.

[Redban]

Yeah, Real name.

[Adam Ray]

Stage name. Yeah.

[Jordan Brady]

No, not a stage name.

[Adam Ray]

How long have you been doing stand up?

[Jordan Brady]

About 10 years.

[Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Jordan Brady]

I know, I know.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tom Green]

You're halfway there.

[Violent J]

Wow.

[Redban]

Wow. Jordan Brady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any relation to Tom Brady? He also played down.

[Jordan Brady]

No, but I did have an uncle who played in for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but by marriage, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, okay. What do you do for work?

[Jordan Brady]

I am a musician.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of musician are you exactly?

[Jordan Brady]

I, I mainly play drums in like a heavy melodic rock band. Yeah.

[Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really play the drums and you've been doing stand up for 10 years?

[Jordan Brady]

Been doing stand up, yeah. 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that was just a bad minute. But you play drums? Do you do drums better than you do stand up?

[Jordan Brady]

I think so.

[Redban]

Well, you know what that means, everybody? We gotta do a Mexican drum off. He could be the new drummer of the show if this goes good for him. Doing a drum solo. Come on, let's move it, Michael. Here we go. Doing a drum solo, ladies and gentlemen, after a terrible Green Day joke and some other stuff, Rocking Blue Lips. This may be his last performance of any kind ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Mexican drama. For those of you that don't know,

[Redban]

know he's gonna do a drum solo

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

coming in about 30 seconds or so.

[Redban]

And if he, if he wins, he's the new drummer on the show full time. And Michael Gonzalez is out of a job. Michael Gonzalez? Yeah. Oh, you don't know how Mexican dramas work. Oh, yeah, this is a running thing in the show's history.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little fun fact all time. Never before has anyone beat the resident drummer.

[Redban]

Yeah, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But who knows?

[Redban]

Knows this guy could be a prodigy. The audience decides, okay? So it's fair and even in equal balance, ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo, perhaps becoming the new drummer of Kill, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo by Jordan Brady, everybody. Here we go.

[Tom Green]

Yeah. Yeah,

[Redban]

Yeah,

[Tom Green]

yeah.

[Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, no.

[Redban]

Oh, no.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh.

[Redban]

What's going on? Scared. Oh, God. Standing ovation from the audience and the panel. This is not good, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, boy. We've been doing this. We've been doing this show for a little over 10 years. That may be, without a doubt, the best drum solo we've heard.

[Tom Green]

Jes.

[Redban]

Thank you very much.

[Aldo Caldo]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Michael, we need you to summon the gods right now. Dude.

[Adam Ray]

Holy, baby. It's go time, Mike.

[Redban]

You got to hit that, Michael. It's not about the length of time either. He got to it. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, undefeated all time, this is Michael Gonzalez. Oh, my God. An even bigger standing ovation for Michael Gonzalez. Thank the Lord. Up in heaven. Wow. A battle of blue whipped versus brown skin. This is gonna come down to the wire, ladies and gentlemen. No doubt about it.

[Adam Ray]

Here's a story.

[Redban]

Holy shit. All right, let's get right into it. How many of you have Jordan Brady winning? Whoa. Very loud. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? There you go. Thank God Almighty. Here's a big joke book, though, for your participation in the drum off. There he goes. Jordan Brady, everybody.

[Tom Green]

Okay, that was pretty impressive.

[Redban]

Let's keep it moving.

[Tom Green]

That was some good. Some good. Bass drum, double bass, whatever that's called. I don't know.

[Adam Ray]

But for real, what was going on with his bottom lip, dude?

[Redban]

They were both lips, by the way. It was the top lip, too. That was spray paint. Something's up. Talented, though. Something's up that I have Mailbox. I don't know what it was or what it looked like. I didn't look at it. I didn't order it. Some special people in this bucket, I'll tell you. We're gonna find another one right now, out of the bucket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys having fun out there?

[Redban]

Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Aldo Caldo, everybody. Aldo Caldo. Aldo, good name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's see what happens.

[Redban]

Make some noise for Aldo, everybody.

[Aldo Caldo]

The hardest thing about being a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas, is you let your family down twice. So I'm a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas. My album went aluminum. You can find it. You can find it on Craigslist, MySpace, all that good stuff. The first song is called End of the World. Other than that, I talked to my daughters about the Future and about remembering the future since it's a election year and we talk about what it's really going to be like since we've had a black president and a white president, what it would be like if we have a Latino president, but what if we have a gay Latino president? Soy presidente Alejandro Ramos. The Jews say, not only have I read your books and seen the movies of your beautiful country, but I was in the musical Ju.

[Redban]

Say

[Aldo Caldo]

what putas? Y' all never seen Giusa? Oh, my God. It's about time that America takes it from behind.

[Redban]

Imira. China.

[Violent J]

You're talking shit.

[Aldo Caldo]

We got our child Support on the 15th, and then we'll pay you. All right. Korea, Russia.

[Redban]

There it is. A full minute 15 from Aldo Caldo, everybody. Aldo, welcome to the show. Hola.

[Aldo Caldo]

Hola.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you feel?

[Aldo Caldo]

I feel amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really a musical comedian or. That's set up for the joke? What does that mean? You play, like, a guitar normally?

[Aldo Caldo]

Play guitar?

[Martin Phillips]

I've.

[Aldo Caldo]

I've jammed with D Madness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you have?

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah. I know some of these homies. I play with Chris Bettis right now. And. Okay, Louie, the singer, country artist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you sing and you play guitar?

[Aldo Caldo]

I do sing and I do, like, parodies of music, comedy, weed. I do go, you know, go by comedian and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. That makes. That excites the Latino people.

[Aldo Caldo]

Well, you know, I was the bass player for a boy group band called Menudo.

[Redban]

Are you serious?

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I had a whole different plans here.

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah, yeah, I have a totally different bit, but I was like, you know, one. Let's go with the Gay Latino President

[Tom Green]

was sort of an ass theme tonight, so.

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Green]

It's kind of good that you threw that in there. There hasn't been enough of it tonight.

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah, well, I usually do my bit with the melodica, and I was going to try to jam with the guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to sing a song for us? You want to tell the band something or other and then they'll play it and then you can sing something. You want to melt something good for us? Sure.

[Aldo Caldo]

Can I get my Instagram instrument? That's right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really have an instrument?

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is. What is it?

[Aldo Caldo]

It's a melodica.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Aldo Caldo]

They said they have. Oh, here it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we just bring it up on stage?

[Tom Green]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is.

[Tom Green]

Nice.

[Adam Ray]

What's. What's the title of the track you're. You're going to sing? Are you going to improvise something?

[Tom Green]

It's called I Nutted on a Scarf,

[Aldo Caldo]

Tony, which means Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, okay. I like that.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, he's calling shots.

[Redban]

Oh, my God. This guy knows what the he's doing. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey,

[Violent J]

yeah.

[Redban]

Hey. My name is Azo Kazon. Wow, wow, wow. Unbelievable. I want to sing a verse.

[Adam Ray]

Keep going.

[Redban]

Wait, here he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Ray. Hey. Wow. Wow.

[Adam Ray]

Damn.

[Redban]

Unbelievable. Un believable.

[Tom Green]

Menudo is back, baby.

[Redban]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is.

[Tom Green]

Menudo is back.

[Redban]

Menudo's back. Caldo, Aldo Caldo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I gotta say, that's one of my favorite musical performances ever in the show's history.

[William Montgomery]

Right?

[Redban]

Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys.

[Cam Patterson]

I agree.

[Redban]

Wow, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

What were you saying? Something, something. Tony.

[Aldo Caldo]

What was it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say it again. What?

[Aldo Caldo]

We're gonna kill Tony. Like kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool. I love it.

[Tom Green]

I'm not about nutting on a scarf then.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping it was about nothing. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, so catchy, man.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness.

[Tom Green]

Still good though.

[Redban]

Aldo, how long have you lived in Austin?

[Aldo Caldo]

I've lived here off and on for. For about almost 20 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Almost 20 years. Wow.

[Aldo Caldo]

Kind of traveled to Las Vegas, do some artwork there at a place called Area 15. And then I came back here and just kind of jumped back and forth.

[Tom Green]

Area 15, what's that, the low rent area 51 or.

[Redban]

Yeah, kind of like it's where illegal aliens land.

[Scott Pot]

Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Tony Hinchcliff.

[Tom Green]

It's no fun. Okay.

[Redban]

Area 15. Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Tom Green]

All right. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aldo, how long have you been doing

[Aldo Caldo]

comedy for about eight, nine years, on and off.

[Violent J]

Cuz I'll do.

[Aldo Caldo]

I'll get on tours and kind of take off with bands and come back and hit it back and forth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I love it. You in town next Monday?

[Aldo Caldo]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you come out and do a song with the band during audience load in.

[Redban]

Be a special featured music before the show starts. That's awesome. Yes. That's big.

[Tom Green]

Nice.

[Redban]

Thank you so much. Thank you, guys. Here's a big joke bug. Aldo Caldo, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Aldo. And now another special treat, ladies and gentlemen, a very special treat. We go from a brown comedian to a. A golden ticket. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is a absolute sensation. One of our golden ticket winners with cerebral palsy who absolutely murders every time he's on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, a many year golden ticket winner that we found in Washington D.C. years and years ago. This is yet another set by who could be truly one of the best out there. Make some noise. A new minute from Martin Phillips, everybody. Here he is.

[Martin Phillips]

What's up? How we doing?

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

You know, metal cartoons used to have pictures of. I think that was just milk industry propaganda. You know, like, I guess what happens when you don't drink your milk, you go missing. Oh my God.

[Redban]

Oh, man.

[Martin Phillips]

I bet you wish you had strong bones. It would have helped out. So they found all those kids. It's cool. Anyway, okay. I was hooking up with this girl. A true story. That's a joke. Thank you. That's a joke. No, she didn't, you know, bite my neck. And some people might hear that and be like, man, that sounds hot. But it was like, are you a vampire? Oh, fuck. Then she nibbled my ear and I was like, well, not much blood there. She would have done that. But. But then she blew me and I was like, there's a lot of blood there. So you got me. You got me.

[Redban]

God damn. I mean if you look at this guy's track record, if you were to line up his minutes minute after minute after minute, truly my be one of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the all time greats in the show's history and you have done it yet again. Martin Phillips, unbelievable performance. That is true about the milk cartons. I love the. I hooked up with the girl. True storyline.

[Redban]

Pause for laughter for about 10 seconds after that one.

[Martin Phillips]

I didn't want the laughter, but sure, I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're taking what the universe is giving given you and you are leaning into it, my friend. Leaning hard to the right into is incredible. How you utilize everything that life has given you and you're just absolutely hilarious

[Redban]

and separate from your condition.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean if you were 6 foot 5 and muscular, you'd still be hilarious.

[Redban]

Like it's incredible how well the muscle. Come on. Oh, okay. Oh, oh. You are muscular Dystrophy.

[Adam Ray]

I do.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's hit the name. It's hit the name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness. You know what's exciting about this is anytime I accidentally get an erection looking at Heidi, I can look at you, Martin Phillips.

[Redban]

And it immediately goes away.

[Tom Green]

That's so weird. Cuz it's the exact opposite from.

[Redban]

Prove it.

[Casey Rocket]

It.

[Adam Ray]

Wait. Yo, big fan. Seeing you live is very cool.

[Martin Phillips]

Thank you.

[Adam Ray]

When did you. When did you want to do standup comedy? I don't know if this been asked on the show before.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, I. I don't know. I just always thought it was funny so you know, did it. So I. I'm sorry, it is a better story. But yeah, just, just growing up and then I went to college and I started tracking that and so were you a funny kid? I think I Was always. Yeah, I was always not paying attention to class. I was. I was always a bad student. But yeah, I was always funny. Yeah, no funny story now. So I don't know if people liked me. I was really bullied. But this true story. In high school, me and my friend who's just like, you know, picking on each other because we're friends. And then I came up with this really good gag in class. I'd fall down and get everyone's attention. Then they were looking at me. I was like, steve, why'd you punch me, dude?

[Tom Green]

And

[Martin Phillips]

I thought everyone, it was a joke. And one day I did it in the hallway, and Steven was like, hey, man, that's not funny. Mrs. Smith called my mom.

[Redban]

So,

[Martin Phillips]

yeah. So then, yeah, then my other teachers had to go. That teacher like, hey, Martin's full of shit. Don't believe them. So. So I was the Bolly. That's. That's the point. I have the bully. So.

[Adam Ray]

Good for you, man. That's so funny. Do you still keep in touch with Stephen?

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Redban]

All right.

[Martin Phillips]

He's doing good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very interesting. What else is going on in your life, Martin?

[Martin Phillips]

Another good bully story. I used to take physical therapy, and they would pair us with another kid, and I was a little bit older than him, so I would bust his balls just during the session. Then one day before our session, they took me aside. They're like, yeah, Johnny's mom told us you've been bullying him in these sessions. And the point is, that kid was a bitch.

[Casey Rocket]

Okay,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we are.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. We already at middle school. Okay. Know. Don't go to mommy. Okay. Like, come on.

[Adam Ray]

And he's here tonight. Johnny, come on out, man.

[Martin Phillips]

Johnny. M. Stephen. Oh, damn. So. So I'm an. Okay. I'm an.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, you got to end your special by pushing Stephen down.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Back. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Martin, other than the carton of milk, you said that you hooked up with a girl was this recent.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, no, that.

[Violent J]

That was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, but have you gotten. Have you been getting more women in your life since your Kill Tony fame has?

[Martin Phillips]

No.

[Redban]

Uhoh.

[Adam Ray]

Please make that my new email.

[Redban]

Oh, I got a text message. Oh, yeah.

[Tom Green]

Sounds like a no. But, I mean, you know, we could maybe change that tonight though, right, ladies?

[Redban]

Hell yeah.

[Tom Green]

All right. All right. Well, maybe not.

[Martin Phillips]

I'll be back.

[Violent J]

That.

[Martin Phillips]

If that happens, I'll be back every week. I'll be here every night.

[Tom Green]

Yeah, me too. What the.

[Redban]

What.

[Adam Ray]

What is your.

[Violent J]

Your move?

[Adam Ray]

Once, if you meet a gal, and you guys are going to maybe go back to somebody's Place. What's the first move?

[Martin Phillips]

I, I, I don't know. I just have to get, get there first. Let me get the place. We can fill it out. Hold on. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more like, hey, let's.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, I love that.

[Martin Phillips]

Well, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Is there a genre of music you like to have on when things are going to.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, well in s. Cloud house, you know?

[Redban]

Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. Nice. No doubt about it. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a special dating app for people with your types of conditions? Is there a bender or a wobble

[Redban]

or a, A limper or. You know, just because I can't walk straight doesn't mean I'm not straight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Martin Phillips]

I think while bag, I, I found something like that. And not good, not the bad.

[Adam Ray]

The guy's an inspiration.

[Tom Green]

He's an inspiration. True inspiration for people. Come on. I mean, this is incredible, what you're doing, you know? Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

People.

[Tom Green]

Ah, it's amazing. Incredible. No, he's, he's, it's very inspiring. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[Redban]

I agree. What are you, what are you afraid of, Tom? Do you have like a history of bullying handicapped people that you don't want to come out right now?

[Adam Ray]

I gotta make it right.

[Tom Green]

Wait, were you, I was the bullied handicap person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you, Stephen?

[Tom Green]

Yeah, well, I, I could, I definitely think that I could. I relate to you in a lot of ways. Yeah, absolutely. You're getting up there and you're doing your thing and it's amazing. It's incredible. I love seeing how's it doing, and I think there's a lot of people in the world that probably don't have the confidence to get up and do what you're doing. And I'm sure you're inspiring them. So it's, it's a beautiful thing, man. I really am. Yeah, it's very impressive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's inspiring a bunch of people that don't have physical handicaps, just mental handicaps

[Tom Green]

to come up here like everyone else that was here tonight.

[Redban]

Yeah, this, this bucket is a bunch of people that are like, if that guy could do it, I could do it. Tony's butthole so loose that I, I cannot fucking him to death.

[Tom Green]

That's a pretty good one. I mean, you can try some of that next time maybe.

[Redban]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin, anything else we should know about before letting you go?

[Redban]

No, just get me the out of here and say, you are a machine.

[Martin Phillips]

I just make sound, natural sounds I make.

[Redban]

It's great.

[Adam Ray]

It's my favorite dude.

[Redban]

You can hear those wheels turning up there.

[Adam Ray]

That's. Yeah, exactly. Dude, we all have that. Yours are just so likable.

[Casey Rocket]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Downloading file. Hey, you know how to sing any songs you go get? Karaoke at all?

[Tom Green]

Just keep pushing it forward.

[Redban]

Yeah, we have fun.

[Tom Green]

That's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin gets to do a minute anytime he wants. He's got a great deal here on Kiltoni because he's loved. How long ago was that in D.C. when you won your golden ticket?

[Martin Phillips]

I think that was like right before 2020. It was like the end of 2019.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

So, yeah, that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, so, yeah, about four years.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's been ever since. Rocking side to side. Yeah.

[Redban]

You know, we love you, Martin. I mean, you're an absolute freak. Another unbelievable performance by the great and powerful Martin Phillips. Oh, a standing ovation here. Look at that.

[Adam Ray]

That.

[Redban]

I love it.

[Tom Green]

That takes a lot. Oh, it takes a lot of courage to get up on stage.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Green]

And he's overcoming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Green]

His disability and still doing that.

[Redban]

I love it. I love it. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the was that?

[Adam Ray]

Jesus Christ.

[Redban]

Shaun De had that loaded up somehow. Oh, my God.

[Cam Patterson]

Amazing.

[Adam Ray]

I mean, we're all going to hell for that.

[Tom Green]

I mean, it's actually, you know, a nice testament to you tier bringing people up here to have this up. You've brought my friend Aaron Belial.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

From Ottawa, my hometown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's great.

[Tom Green]

Stand up in Ottawa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fellow Canadian, Ottawa Zone.

[Tom Green]

Incredible comedian as well, with a disability. So, yeah.

[Redban]

Jared Nathan from Toronto, Canada, also a golden ticket winner.

[Tom Green]

Yeah.

[Redban]

We have a un. Unbelievable amount of handicapped Canadian people that

[Tom Green]

we support, myself included.

[Redban]

Welcome to the full.

[Tom Green]

I have one testicle, so there you go. My right testicle.

[Redban]

As many cancer. No testicles as Canada has tanks.

[Tom Green]

Yeah, absolutely. I. Yeah, that's true. That is true. That is actually true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We haven't had a woman on stage tonight. I dug through the bucket until I found one. Representing the ladies tonight. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted from the bucket. This is Trish Smart, everybody.

[Redban]

Here we go, Trish Smart. Your final bucket pull of the night.

[Trish Smart]

If you work really hard at your dreams and you don't anyone to get where you're going, you could be right here. This could be you. It makes sense, though. My biggest comedy credit is I run a comedy club at Burning Man. Do you know what Burning man is? You ever had period sex in a dust storm? Sounds like you don't know dick about Burning Man. Burning man is a place where it's like a music festival. But everyone brings their own stage. You guys know what a music festival is? That's where you go to take drugs and look for your friends for eight hours. And then one of them texts you, and he's like, I'm by the medical tent, and you're like, billy's gone, guys. He's never coming back. What's not to like about music festivals? You know they have the same currency as jail Cigarettes. Bubble gum. Ain't no. I met a man in a music festival. I tried to trick him into my van.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. I want to hear the rest of it. Keep going, Trish. Go on.

[Trish Smart]

The thing about it is that if you love somebody, put them in a small box and then fart in it. Is that my minute?

[Redban]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a minute. Minute 28. A fantastic performance. Trish Smart. Welcome to the show. This is your first time here, right?

[Trish Smart]

Yeah, it's good to be here. It's like the Price is Right at a dive bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly.

[Redban]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good line.

[Tom Green]

Yeah, it's a good line.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is.

[Redban]

Your.

[Adam Ray]

Your opening joke was so funny. And when you. When you said, has anyone ever had period sex in a dust storm? And I literally heard Martin's voice, my head go. Which made it even funnier.

[Trish Smart]

Is that what he sounded like when you were doing it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Redban]

Wow. You ain't need no scarf.

[Adam Ray]

Yeah, that's right. I had period sex with a guy with cerebral paws.

[Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Adam Ray]

That would have been a great.

[Redban]

We'll be right back. Oh, my God. Listen to the crowd. What have you created? That noise that happens when you say those words? It doesn't translate to the Internet. I know it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This show, you just have to see.

[Redban]

You have to be there live.

[Tom Green]

Wait, I do think that could be a meme, actually.

[William Montgomery]

What's that?

[Tom Green]

That what you just said?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Wait.

[Adam Ray]

Comedy club. Burning Man. How does that describe that?

[Trish Smart]

So you go there and you build a stage with a bunch of your friends on drugs, and then you do comedy on drug. No, I'm just kidding. It's like.

[Tom Green]

Like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Trish Smart]

It's like. Yeah, it's like being here, but we're not staring at each other. We're staring into the butthole of truth. No, I'm just kidding.

[Adam Ray]

How about a real answer?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, a real.

[Trish Smart]

You got to go and find out. We don't talk about it. It's like Fight Club.

[Redban]

Oh, yeah. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trish, what was it like being raised on a sitcom with Roseanne? Yeah, you were good.

[Redban]

Oh, here we go.

[Trish Smart]

Tony, you look like you Eat with a bib.

[Redban]

I actually. I do, I do, I do eat.

[Trish Smart]

It's hard to stare into your eyes like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Redban]

To protect from the period blood and the dust.

[Trish Smart]

Girl just dropped first blood and the winds are changing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I like your style.

[Trish Smart]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you wear when you eat?

[Trish Smart]

Look, I know I look like a homeless lesbian. Only one of those things is true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Trish Smart]

I live in my car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Redban]

What kind of car is it?

[Trish Smart]

I just got a bus. It broke down and I took a bunch of standby flights to figure out where I'm gonna go. And I was like, I'll go to Austin. I'll see what happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Are you really in your car right now?

[Trish Smart]

Yeah. So I've actually been living nomadically and traveling for company comedy for seven years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, amazing. And you've been doing stand up that whole time?

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Where did your adventure start?

[Trish Smart]

So I started doing comedy in Las Vegas and then I took a one way flight to Tokyo because if doesn't work out, at least it's honorable there, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Trish Smart]

Just so you guys know, that joke killed in Tokyo.

[Redban]

Okay.

[Trish Smart]

And then I went to Southeast Asia. I actually came here because of Rick Diaz.

[Redban]

We.

[Trish Smart]

I lived. I was with him during the pandemic. We were doing shows at a burger bar in Bangkok.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Trish Smart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. You said Bangkok and I have an erection now. That is so cool. So how do you make money?

[Trish Smart]

So actually I sell acrylic paintings of myself on the toilet at comedy shows.

[Adam Ray]

Welcome back to no.

[Trish Smart]

And

[Scott Pot]

it's good.

[Redban]

Wait.

[Trish Smart]

But no, that's. That's very real. You can visit I hate your smart dot com. Purchase some for yourself.

[Adam Ray]

Let's go.

[Brian Lumbra]

Wait.

[Adam Ray]

Say the website one more time. Give it a real plug.

[Tom Green]

I was going to ask where you get those.

[Trish Smart]

Yeah, It's. I hate tr. Smart.com.

[Redban]

okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[Adam Ray]

How much do they go for?

[Trish Smart]

I like to debate with people. You know, I'm like, what's this worth to you? You know, you put it in your bathroom, somebody sees it. They're also taking a. And they're like, is that girl taking a. And they do pretty well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have.

[Trish Smart]

And I sustain myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You exude this amazing energy. I could tell that you really love what you do. You know, I was in. I happily lived in the back seat of my car.

[Scott Pot]

A walk.

[Redban]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

16, 17 years ago behind the Comedy Store when I was working there. And everybody, you know, especially my mom back then would always say, oh, Tony, I don't know why you're doing that, but I loved it. I was happy. I was a part of something. I loved what I was doing. I was getting better. I, you know, and I can tell that you feel that way. You love what you do. It's not about what you have, it's about what you're doing.

[Trish Smart]

Yeah.

[Tom Green]

I feel like I'll be living in the back seat of my car after tonight.

[Trish Smart]

I mean, you want to get in the van, Tom?

[Redban]

Oh, oh.

[Adam Ray]

Someone's got period sex in their future.

[Redban]

Yeah. Your bum is now a bum. Your bum is now a bum.

[Adam Ray]

Wait, is.

[Tom Green]

Stop bringing up all the hits.

[Adam Ray]

Can you for real give us the pros and cons of the bus living? Because that sounds awesome.

[Trish Smart]

So it's my first buzz, actually, that this. I've lived out of several different cars. I had a, like a Civic. I've had different vans, all kinds of stuff. I like to say I vanifested. Do you know what manifested is?

[Adam Ray]

No, I got it.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Trish Smart]

I manif. I manifested a van and then I'm like, didn't mean to kill my grandfather doing it, but here we are. Oh, that's the line. Okay, guys.

[Violent J]

Wow.

[Trish Smart]

We'll have period sex in it and everyone will love it again, apparently. I don't know.

[Adam Ray]

Do you. But so you want to like. Would you like to have like a place at some point or do you like to kind of move it and shake in lifestyle?

[Trish Smart]

I just get to do more comedy this way, so I just do it that way, you know.

[Redban]

But you love us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, you're here in the new hub of stand up comedy.

[Trish Smart]

I'm enjoying it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Many comedy clubs all within a small area of each other.

[Trish Smart]

That's why I came here. I didn't know what to do with myself and I was like, where can I do comedy?

[Redban]

How long have you been here now?

[Trish Smart]

I actually got here today day.

[Redban]

Wow. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[Redban]

The final bucket poll of the night. Very, very lucky.

[Adam Ray]

So you're saying in a car right now?

[Trish Smart]

No. So the bus is broken down in Virginia right now. Right. And I have a pilot buddy. So I've been taking these standby flights and I couldn't get one out of Tucson. I did a show in Bisby, Arizona two nights ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Trish Smart]

And fake place.

[Brian Lumbra]

Keep going.

[Trish Smart]

So I just took. It does look like a fake place. It looks like a cardboard cutout and you could just like hit it anytime. It's gone. And then I took a. A rental car here. So I just drove 13 hours and I'm just exhausted. Actually. I will be sold a timeshare tomorrow. And I have a very swanky hotel downtown. I don't know if you've ever done

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the time how well they take care of migrants. So how. What is.

[Martin Phillips]

Is that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that? How does that go down? What do you mean, a timeshare at a hotel? Explain to us.

[Trish Smart]

So if you go to enough hotels, they'll call you and they'll be like, do you want to take this survey? And then if you lie to them about how much money you make, they're like, oh, we'll give you a nice swanky hotel. And we'll give you a Visa card for sitting through our presentation because you'll buy a thing. But they have no idea how broke I am. And this will release after that. So I'll get sued.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Adam Ray]

All right, well, life is short. We're all going to. We're all going to die. You're funny. I'm putting you in a hotel for the rest of the week.

[Redban]

Whoa, look at that. I'm doing it.

[Adam Ray]

I'm doing it. I've done it.

[Violent J]

I've done it before.

[Adam Ray]

And I'll be honest, sometimes it didn't work out great. But you're really funny and you give a. And you deserve to have a chance. And it's. I'm gonna do it through the week, but if you're like, I can't for myself, then it's okay.

[Trish Smart]

No, absolutely not. I will take the handout.

[Cam Patterson]

I will.

[Adam Ray]

I will. I will gladly help you out like that because you're really likable and you're funny and can't.

[Trish Smart]

Thank you.

[Adam Ray]

Everybody needs a boost.

[Trish Smart]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Redban]

She has arrived to Austin, Texas. It happened today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tomorrow, here at the Comedy Mothers Ship, the great Brian Simpson hosts an all improvised show called Bottom of the Barrel. Would you like to do the show here at the mothership? Well, there you go.

[Redban]

You're doing a comedy mothership. Official spot. Trish Smart, red band. And I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday at the Sunset Strip. Wow, look at that.

[Trish Smart]

Thank you so much.

[Redban]

Doing spots every night. Welcome to Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're leaving with a big joke book as well. There you go.

[Redban]

And you know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm also going to give you one of these cool keychains, even though you don't have a key to put on it. There you go. Oh, there you go.

[Trish Smart]

I got a new hotel key. Do you hear that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Congratulations.

[Redban]

You're the type of person that we hope to pull out of the bucket. We found you Trish Smart. There she goes. And don't forget, I hate Trish Smart dog. Go buy a painting supporter. Very funny, lady. Can't wait to see her again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There goes Trish Smart, everybody. There she goes.

[Redban]

Wow. What a great last bucket pool of the night. Amazing. There's only one way to close a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps you've heard of them. Some people call him the Indianapolis Ionizer. Some people have referred to him as the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. The Connecticut Connector, the Sultan of San Jose, The Corpus Christi Christian. This is indeed the one and only. Lights out. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

[William Montgomery]

I'm gonna name my first child Steve Harvey Oswald. Witnesses in Dallas say they saw a man in a bright purple suit fleeing the sc. Frankly, I think it's disrespectful to wear a band T shirt to another band show. So if I catch you wearing your Bon Jovi hoodie at an Aphex Twin concert, red band, I will fucking kill you, you piece of shit. The White House made two important announcements last week. With the first being that the bag of powder found in the White House after Hunter Biden had been there was not cocaine, but sawdust. The second announcement was that the White House thinks you are stupid as fuck.

[Redban]

Okay, that's my time.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Amazing, ladies and gentlemen. Nobody does it like him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The record holder for all time appearances on the show. The record holder for all time interviews. And yet you come out guns ablaze and every fucking week with some of the best, most original to you material imaginable.

[Redban]

You look good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look.

[William Montgomery]

Why was that funny, dumbass? I specifically heard you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An amazing performance that you are popping.

[Brian Lumbra]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your star power is incredible. The hair is redder, the face is whiter than ever. What have you been doing exactly?

[William Montgomery]

I swear to God, I'm not gonna keep on beating a dead horse, but I ate a bowl of all Brand buds last night and I ate another one today and I had two legitimate shits. And Tony, I started putting a bunch of blueberries in with my Al Brand buds and it looks like I'm not chewing my blueberries. They're all in the toilet. They're all in the dooo, Tony. All these full looking blueberries. I don't know, it's some new thing.

[Tom Green]

We had another guy that was eating blueberries tonight too, right? The blue lip guy? Yeah, yeah, we had a blue lip guy here tonight. He also prince in the ass. Yeah, that came on somebody's scarf.

[Redban]

I know how Purple Rain happened hard. Purple Rain, if you mix blue and

[Tom Green]

flesh Purple rain happened. Purple rain happened. Purple rain happened.

[Redban]

Purple rain.

[Tom Green]

All right, that's. We're done with that.

[Violent J]

Okay.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

No, that was crazy. He was pretty good at the drums. Were you. Were you scared? I was thinking, I bet your ass is scared right now. Yeah, a little bit.

[Redban]

Ain't never scared. Oh. Oh,

[Brendan Mahaney]

Tom.

[William Montgomery]

They're cheering because that's what I. What I normally say, you dumbass.

[Redban]

So that.

[William Montgomery]

So don't do that again. Not in front of Tom Green. Dude, seriously, I grew up watching you. Tom. I'm a big fan. It's a pleasure to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never seen in his history, by the way. I've never seen William be so nice to a panelist before.

[Redban]

I must say I appreciate it.

[Tom Green]

No, I'm a big fan, too. I've been watching the show. Big fan, too. It's.

[William Montgomery]

I remember, Tom, one of the funniest things I think I saw was when you were with the Indian family at the house. They were renting out the house. And y' all end up drinking and throwing the furniture. Furniture.

[Redban]

I thought that was so funny.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I thought that was so funny. Y' all end up throwing the furniture off.

[Redban]

The thing is great.

[Tom Green]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two legends of the game. This is an incredible eclipse. Tom Green, the guest of the year, Adam Ray, and the record holder for all time appearances and kills, William Montgomery.

[Adam Ray]

So funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beautifully lined up.

[Redban]

What an angle I have on this

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

comedy eclipse of greatness. William, what else is going on this week?

[William Montgomery]

I was in Detroit, Michigan this past weekend, was doing shows there. It was a lot of fun and it was really exciting, Tony. To hang out with Barry Sanders. Barry Sanders met me at the freaking airport and we drove around and it's so strange, Tony. We ended up at Wayne State University, kind of close by the downtown area. And me and Barry Sanders. I'm not proud to say this, but we found a.

[Violent J]

Of.

[Jordan Brady]

Couple.

[William Montgomery]

Couple of people on that college campus and it was mainly Barry. But we strangled two people on Wayne State University's campus. I mean, Barry Sanders hands are so giant. He was. He was brutalizing these people, Tony. But I wasn't stopping him.

[Redban]

Wow. Yeah.

[Tom Green]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wild week.

[Adam Ray]

Scott Pot told me that same story before the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you end up hanging out with Barry Sanders? We don't. It's one thing with blueberries, but a BlackBerry is wild.

[Adam Ray]

Wow.

[Redban]

Wow. We'll be right back.

[Casey Rocket]

Now.

[Violent J]

That's awesome.

[Redban]

Chaos. Chaos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, what else is happening?

[William Montgomery]

H. Going up to. Tony. This is going to be my first weekend coming up up to in Spokane where I'm going by myself and. Tony, I'm so. I'm nervous. I've never.

[Adam Ray]

You're headlining?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I'm headlining. It's my first headlining weekend where I'm by my. Myself. Tony, I am scared to death. I know nobody in Spokane. It's gonna be really cold. I'm worried I'm gonna end up in the hotel room the whole time. And when I start staying in the hotel room, I swear to God, y', all, I just start getting so sad.

[Adam Ray]

Okay, thanks for coming out, everybody. Yeah, dude. Well, you gotta get out Spokane. I've been there a bunch. It's. Thanks, Robin.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. What was that? Dumbass. What the was that?

[Redban]

Wow, that was a good one.

[Adam Ray]

I ain't heard that John D. Spokane does. You're. I mean, you're right to be a little apprehensive. It doesn't have a lot to offer, but they're down to. There's an arcade. Are you an arcade guy?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I'd love. Yeah.

[Adam Ray]

Are you doing the Spokane Comedy Club?

[William Montgomery]

Yes.

[Tom Green]

I think it's actually the meth capital of. It is of the country. So there's that.

[Adam Ray]

There's that.

[Tom Green]

So you're.

[William Montgomery]

I could get back into doing drugs again. I mean, I swear, I feel like I really lost an edge, Tony. I think about it every day about stopping cocaine. I've really. Hey, do you want to shut up for a second?

[Casey Rocket]

I've never.

[William Montgomery]

I'm really trying to get a little honest right now, and all I hear is something behind me.

[Redban]

Oh, D is pissed.

[Cam Patterson]

No, I'm kidding.

[Redban]

I'm kidding.

[Adam Ray]

Oh, by the way, so racist to be like, there's something behind me.

[Redban]

Damn it. Ah, William, William, William.

[Adam Ray]

Did you ever do meth in your drug days or.

[William Montgomery]

No, no, no.

[Redban]

All right.

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You keep saying that you're going to Spokane by yourself, but aren't you going with Casey Rocket?

[William Montgomery]

No, he can't go this weekend. He's doing his own. His own gig. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look, everybody's working. Oh, boy. You don't have anybody to go with? You don't have anybody to take?

[William Montgomery]

Well, the flights are like $2,000. It costs me, Tony, I. It cost me $3,000 to fly to Salt Lake City the other weekend, cuz

[Tom Green]

I waited till the week of.

[William Montgomery]

No, I waited till week of. And I don't know if it's ski season or what.

[Redban]

$3,000.

[William Montgomery]

It was horrible.

[Adam Ray]

Does anybody want to go to Spokane with William?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing.

[Redban]

Adam is going to buy everybody tickets, by the way.

[Adam Ray]

I'm going to need her to Venmo me back immediately. Wait, but I mean, yeah, you should have nobody to go with you.

[Redban]

Did you say Vanmo?

[Violent J]

Vanmo.

[Redban]

There's no Venmo. She's got a van. Mo, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's where you have no money and live in a van.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Adam Ray]

We pull local openers then, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

So, yeah, it'll be fun.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I'm excited.

[William Montgomery]

I'm excited. We'll see.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Those weekends where that happens, where it feels like something's off, those are always. I had no way to explain it. I'm sure you guys might agree with me. Those are always the ones where you end up having the most fun breakthroughs on stage. It doesn't make any sense, but it's always the ones where it's like, those end up being fun breakthroughs. I mean, just absolutely amazing.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I'm pumped because that's probably going to happen to my ass this weekend. And I swear, if I do gut, like, after, after, after this past weekend, it seemed pretty good. But I swear, Tony, if, like, this weekend doesn't. Doesn't go well, I mean, I probably will. But if it does go well, I don't think I'm probably ever gonna stop doing this stuff. I mean, I have to. I should have yelled that.

[Tom Green]

Okay.

[Redban]

Yeah, you should.

[Adam Ray]

You got too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Real amazing.

[Tom Green]

Careful what you wish for. Ah. Why, you could be in Spokane, you know, three times a year for the rest of your life.

[William Montgomery]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true.

[Tom Green]

Like me. No, Spokane's pretty nice, actually. Shout out sp. Spokan, actually.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're going to go there and you're going to dread it. And then you're going to be at your hotel. You're going to have a nice meal, and then you're going to hear the roar of the crowd when whoever local feature brings you up. And you're going to be in love. You're going to. To have the time of your life. The people out there love you. You're one of the biggest Cameo people on planet Earth.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. Please find me on Cameo. I know. I do genuinely appreciate it. Why are you looking at me like that, you idiot? I was praying to God.

[Adam Ray]

Music, I mean, Will, we should maybe. Let's do a little. A little movie trailer for your weekend in Spokane.

[Tom Green]

Yeah. Spokane.

[Adam Ray]

Nice. This weekend, one man travels for too much money to a place nobody ever wants to go.

[William Montgomery]

Spokane, Washington, used to be his favorite place to go until.

[Adam Ray]

Until he locked himself in his Holiday Inn Express right room, looking in the mirror, asking himself why? How did I get here?

[William Montgomery]

Where is the meth?

[Adam Ray]

As soon as soon as he jumped off the wagon, he got right back on.

[William Montgomery]

I need more meth.

[Adam Ray]

He was determined to do anything for drugs. Then again he was in Spokane and the drugs were everywhere. He did everything. Hand jobs, blow jobs, rim jobs. Just regular old uber eats jobs. Anything to pass the time in Spokane.

[William Montgomery]

A lot of ubereats and I was eating just I was full most of the time.

[Adam Ray]

He couldn't stop. Blueberries

[William Montgomery]

all brand buds has really changed my life.

[Adam Ray]

He reached out to several friends. Hey, come with me to Spokane. But they all said a resounding Dillard.

[William Montgomery]

Why can't you go to Spokane with me this coming weekend? Man, you know I'm going alone.

[Redban]

I'm busy, William.

[Adam Ray]

I got to do Dillard.

[William Montgomery]

Hold on man. You know I gotta go there alone. You know I can't even go to Spokane. I never be even been a spoke.

[Adam Ray]

You broke my Xbox controller last week, William.

[Cam Patterson]

Man, I was I back.

[Adam Ray]

Nobody knew what Williams said that day. But he was destined to win Spokane's heart over. He came home crushing the shows saying to himself, I'm going to keep doing stand up for the rest of my life or at least try to that girl who looked like Roseanne's daughter.

[Scott Pot]

Daughter

[William Montgomery]

Charlize Theron Starzen.

[Adam Ray]

Wait, what?

[William Montgomery]

Wait, yeah, hold on.

[Adam Ray]

Charlize Theron as Roseanne's daughter William Montgomery

[William Montgomery]

and Cam Patterson as Milo and Otis

[Adam Ray]

in Spokane Montgomery this fall.

[William Montgomery]

Take it one step at a time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this movie trailer ever gonna stop?

[Redban]

It ain't ever gonna stop. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. And we did it. That's another hit show. Tomgreen.com he's on tour all around the world. The Tom Green podcast. The only podcast filmed out of a solar powered barn.

[Tom Green]

Yeah. In Ontario. Yeah, the only one in Ontario.

[Redban]

Tom Green.com for tour dates. Tom Green podcast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Adam ray has the Dr. Phil specials

[Redban]

out on YouTube at Adam Ray comedy.com Adam Ray comedy on YouTube. Adam.com he's on tour absolutely everywhere.

[Adam Ray]

Yo, we're trying to bring a Dr. Phil live short of the mothership, baby.

[Redban]

So damn right just to put a ribbon on it. How loud can this place get? One more time for Tom Green and Adam Ray, huh? Gina with three A's. HG is Heidi on social media. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in. Thank you. DraftKings. Game time talk space gel blaster. Red rose and yellow rose. Let's see the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. Oh, Casey Rocket grimace. How about one more time for the great Michael Gonzalez. D Madness. John D. Matt Muling, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo and Raul Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen. Good to see you guys so much. Good night, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Redban]

Guys. Guys? What? Guys, I'll be in San Diego in July. Check out American Comedy code dot com.

[Tom Green]

I love you guys.

[Redban]

There you go. San Diego in July for Red Band. Everybody get tickets? Who you going there with? Casey Rocket, unless he gets too big. Wow. Amazing. All right, we love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Sam.

[Trish Smart]

The sun sets to Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Violent J]

Sam.