#658 - JOE ROGAN + TUCKER CARLSON + JIM NORTON

Summary

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Kill Tony Episode #658 Summary

Date: April 9, 2024
Guests: Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, Jim Norton
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Venue: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas

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Episode Overview

This epic episode of Kill Tony brings together three heavyweight guests—Joe Rogan, Tucker Carlson, and Jim Norton—joining Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban for a classic, unpredictably hilarious night in Austin. As always, aspiring comedians draw their names from the fabled bucket, earning a shot to perform a minute of standup, then submit to an unfiltered panel grilling. Amid musical interludes, wild improv, and raunchy audience rapport, the show delivers its trademark blend of savage wit, crowdwork, and personal surprises.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening & Introductions

[01:10–05:51]

• Tony pumps up the crowd with his signature bravado:
  “Who's ready for the best fucking night of their life, guys, huh?”
• Special musical guest: Wynonna Judd performs, setting the stage for a night where “anything can happen.”

2. Regular Spotlight: Casey Rocket

[05:51–14:45]

• Casey’s chaotic, high-energy style opens the comedy.
• Riffs on drugs (“America’s Robitussin comedian”) and surreal observations:
  “Just be scribbling in a notebook like, what if worms could scream?” (Casey Rocket, 06:59)
• Jim Norton praises Casey’s writing and presence:
  “A lot of guys mask bad jokes with energy. And your jokes are great.” (Jim Norton, 07:15)
• Casey performs an original country song, “How Far Can a Quarter Go,” earning real applause and a faux record deal from Wynonna Judd.
• Explores comedic persona: “It's a heat signature thing. I try to keep that like a velociraptor… It's not about where they are, it's about where they aren't.” (Casey Rocket, 09:37)

3. Comedian Buckets: Notable Contestants

a. John Condolick

[15:24–26:51]

• Jokes about his amputated fingers: “I put the armed in armed forces, you know what I'm saying?” (John Condolick, 16:11)
• Tells a riveting, darkly comic backstory about losing fingers during a student film makeup accident.
• Demonstrates self-deprecating humor, special skills (“lick my own nose”), and finds silver lining in tragedy.

b. Lino Rodriguez

[30:22–40:27]

• Opener: “I'm an ass man—not because of the shape, but the smell.”
• Has real club feet; discusses growing up, working security, and playing music.
• Sings “Daydreams,” prompted by Tony, describes it as inspired by “the psychedelic princess of my dreams.”
• Shares story of his father’s murder before he was born, and panel responds with their roguish, dark banter.

c. Enrique Chacone (Golden Ticket Winner)

[41:18–49:29]

• Tells story about aggressive pitbull:
  “As I'm defending him, I'm realizing that I started sounding like a school shooter's mom.” (Enrique Chacone, 41:44)
• Explains quitting Buc-ee’s mascot job: “I was wearing that beaver suit, and I kept getting molested by grown men.”
• Warm, supportive ribbing from panel, especially Tucker: “You're already taking jobs Americans can't do.” (Tony Hinchcliffe, 48:23)

d. Audrey Michelle

[59:17–65:36]

• Candid set about women's masturbation, electric toothbrushes, and the desensitization of her clit.
• Reveals she's just 20, likely jeopardizing her spot at adult-only Austin clubs.
• Shares her “Hitachi wand” upgrade and fields raunchy jokes from panel.

e. Cam Patterson (Regular)

[66:39–73:14]

• Strong set about seeing a guy killed on a Bird scooter:
  “You died on a scooter, nigga. That's the gayest way to go out.” (Cam Patterson, 67:32)
• High-energy rapport with Tucker (whose presence “my grandma hates”), and recounts helping his dad discover OnlyFans, to audience delight.

f. Tina Yukana

[74:01–81:55]

• Middle Eastern Chicagoan riffing on Texas gun culture and being misgendered as trans.
• Opens up about pansexuality and a memorable throuple hookup in Nashville.
• Jim Norton encourages Tina to “do dark and crazy, do it.”

g. Tyler Gallant

[82:24–88:51]

• Satirical set on TikTok shush faces and the N-word—creatively tags librarian as a racist.
• Panel loves his misdirection; describes being a consulting IT dude with a forensic anthropologist girlfriend.

h. John Moore

[89:27–97:45]

• Army vet brings “Napoleon Blown Apart” bit about a quadruple amputee.
• Tony roll-plays John’s first failed set, giving the audience context for how far John has improved.

4. Special Guests Enter: Joe Rogan & Tucker Carlson

[28:46–30:22 and woven throughout]

• Joe Rogan’s presence is magnetic and low-key.
• Tucker is a bit fish-out-of-water but adapts quickly:
  “I’m an unemployed talk show host, not a stand up comedian. So no, I have no idea how this works.” (Tucker Carlson, 29:20)
• They offer input, occasional roasts, and join in wild banter (jokes about immigration, OnlyFans, and more).

5. Final Regular: William Montgomery (“The Vanilla Gorilla”)

[98:43–104:33]

• William fires off one-liners, including:
  “Meanwhile, Red Band was a ring girl for BattleBots.” (William Montgomery, 99:11)
  “Did that one guy suck Obama’s dick?” (William Montgomery, 100:51)
• Tucker deadpans: “I have the answer. And let me say, I don’t judge, but… Oh, yeah.” (Tucker Carlson, 100:57)
• William details “murdering homeless people” in deadpan, absurdist style; Tony riffs (“How many homeless have you killed?”).
• Banter with Wynonna Judd, who joins onstage (shots, country stardom, roast exchanges).

6. Musical & Artistic Surprises

[105:32–110:25]

• Wynonna Judd comes out for shots ("Maybe this would be a good time to show your titties, bitch." — William Montgomery, 105:39) and supports the show's madness.
• Local rapper Asthmatic closes with a custom “Kill Tony rap,” celebrating the show’s icons, inside jokes, and regulars.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• "A lot of guys mask bad jokes with energy. And your jokes are great."
  — Jim Norton to Casey Rocket (07:15)

• "I have six words for you, sweetheart—let me check the White House for ghosts."
  — Casey Rocket (06:22)

• "Your dad got hit with a bat and you have club feet?"
  — Jim Norton to Lino Rodriguez (39:18)

• "This is the best Republican National Convention I’ve ever been to."
  — Tony Hinchcliffe (52:45)

• "Whenever he started eating the chicken’s ass first and the chicken didn’t go for it and he bit its neck."
  — Jim Norton, responding to Enrique’s dog story (44:02)

• "They did a great job on defense."
  — Lino on his father’s killer (38:49)

• "Show me you love me, Mark. Show me your faith."
  — Tony roasting Mark Welborne’s Lenten sacrifices (56:03)

• "That last bitch was a schlut."
  — Cam Patterson, cold open to his set (66:39)

• "My grandma hates you."
  — Cam Patterson to Tucker Carlson during their high-five (68:10)

• "I'm getting really sick and tired of getting discriminated against for being transgender—especially since I’m not transgender."
  — Tina Yukana (75:42)

• "It's a heat signature thing. I try to keep that like a velociraptor… It's not about where they are, it's about where they aren’t."
  — Casey Rocket (09:37)

• "Wynonna Judd just made a new Wynonna bud."
  — Tony after Casey’s country song (14:16)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Band/Music & Open: 01:10–05:51
• Casey Rocket Set & Interviews: 05:51–14:45
• John Condolick: 15:24–26:51
• Joe Rogan & Tucker Carlson Arrive: 28:46–30:22
• Lino Rodriguez: 30:22–40:27
• Enrique Chacone: 41:18–49:29
• Audrey Michelle: 59:17–65:36
• Cam Patterson: 66:39–73:14
• Tina Yukana: 74:01–81:55
• Tyler Gallant: 82:24–88:51
• John Moore: 89:27–97:45
• William Montgomery & Finale: 98:43–104:33
• Wynonna Judd & Asthmatic: 105:32–110:25

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Tone, Energy & Chemistry

• Tony Hinchcliffe channels caustic, quick-witted MC energy, effortlessly needling comics and celebs alike.
• Jim Norton and Joe Rogan bring sharp, self-deprecating insight, loving the wild, improvised madness.
• Tucker Carlson plays along gamely as the “outsider,” sometimes amused, sometimes bewildered—a perfect foil.
• The comics spin gold from trauma, dysfunction, and the unexpected, holding nothing sacred.
• Wynonna Judd and musical guests prove the stage really does “breathe” in Austin’s comedy scene.

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Final Thoughts

Kill Tony #658 is a loaded, unfiltered ride: riotous standup, deeply personal stories, celebrity drop-ins, and pure Austin weirdness. Jokers confront real-life tragedy, druggy chaos, and sexual oddity—the panel’s quick wits match every punch. For fans of uncensored, live comedy, this episode delivers a perfect slice of the Mothership’s unpredictable brilliance.

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything

[Redban]

Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Count Tony. Give it up for Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night

[Band Member / Announcer]

of their life, guys, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mama, we made it. Make some noise for goddamn Red van right here. Oh, we're in it tonight. You did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Brought to you by Game time, Skylight Frame, draftkings, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, and Gel Blaster. And we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. How about one more time for the fucking band, huh? And you guys watching at home don't know this, but sometimes we have special guests swing by and do unbelievable music appearances. Cause this is Austin, Texas, the live music comedy capital of the world. And how about one more time what you guys saw. Wynonna Judd is in the house tonight, everybody. Absolute fucking goddess of rock. And Ro. Unbelievable performance. I got shivers from that. Chills. Chills to the absolute bones. And amazing stuff. You never know what's going to happen here. Highly recommend checking out the show live. Did you guys have fun yet already, huh? Before we start tonight's podcast, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Who's ready to have the best goddamn time of their lives, huh? You're in it tonight. This is just one of those fucking episodes where everything is perfect. It's just fucking perfect. The machine gets to breathe and no one possibly better is tonight's guest. I love this man. He's been on the show many times before. One of the best comedians in the world. One of the best right now. One of the best ever. And we're going to have so much fucking fun. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Jim Norton. Yeah. Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome back, Jim.

[Jim Norton]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Such a goddamn pleasure to have you. I love it. One of the greats. Thank you. Killer New Yorker Nikki and Jim NYC on YouTube. Their new podcast sword fight. Tickets available. One of the great live comedians in the world, jimnorton.com so check them out. And Jim, you know how it works. A bunch of souls signed up for the opportunity. Probably. How many tonight? Yoni ballpark. 200. Yeah. Somewhere around there. Always 230. Jesus Christ. This is getting out of control. A lot of these people moving here. Some of the best and, you know, upand cominging promising talents moving here. Some people literally lying that they've prepared for this just to hopefully get famous. And they annoy me. And I try to figure out a way to make them uncomfortable for signing up for a show built around comedians trying to make it, you know how it works. They get 60 seconds and then you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud and that interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We learn more about them. Stuff that's good, stuff that they could talk about, stuff that they should never do again. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start the show? So I go to the bottom of the bucket. I pre plan, pull a name. They go get them from across the street. While that person's being wrangled, I present to you the newest regular on Kill, Tony, a very esteemed position which guarantees fucking fame and ticket sales for the rest of their lives. This guy's an absolute phenom. Ladies and gentlemen, a force of nature. Unbelievable. A gift from the comedy gods. I present to you a brand new 60 seconds from the crab man himself, the one and only Casey Rocket.

[Casey Rocket]

Do you have to. Do you have to let it linger? All right, cool Irish stuff. Get lost, Eat piss your dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm feeling dangerous tonight, boys. I might around give a moose a muffin in this. Who's with me, huh? My fuck around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give a mouse a cookie.

[Casey Rocket]

All right, cool. Hell yeah. Get lost. Come on. All right, dud. It was a dud. Harmonica. Tony, I'm starting over, all right? Can't riff during the minute.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Come on now.

[Casey Rocket]

Get lost. All right, cool. So dangerous. Biden hates to see it.

[Jim Norton]

God.

[Casey Rocket]

Hey, Biden, I got six words for you, sweetheart. Let me check the White House for ghosts. Okay, cool. Do you have to? I get lost, Lock the bathrooms. I Nobody's pissing. Still riffing. Okay, cool. I used to do weird combinations of drugs when I was a teenager. Like I'd drink a bunch of tusks Robitussin. And I would. I'm America's Robitussin comedian. And I would. I'd drink a bunch of tusks, and then I'd take a bunch of Adderall, too. So I'd be focused, but I'd be focused on the wrong shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Casey Rocket]

Just be scribbling in a notebook like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what if worms could scream?

[Casey Rocket]

All right, thank you. I'm Casey Rocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much. Amazing. Right on brand. Complete chaos. I love to see it. Jim, what do you think about the great Casey?

[Jim Norton]

I love him. I worked with you this last night. You did two shows, and the energy is crazy, but the jokes are good. Like, a lot of guys mask bad jokes with energy. And your jokes are great. Like, really funny and great writing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, thanks.

[Jim Norton]

I just enjoy watching you a lot. You're really funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Thank you. 100%. Agree. A lot of interesting new perspectives. Lock the bathrooms. I like. That's interesting, because if you did that, you would be locking people in and out at the same time. It would create. Within minutes. There would be chaos down there.

[Casey Rocket]

Just the way I wanted.

[Jim Norton]

Have you ever put the microphone stand somewhere and said, no, it actually should stay there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. It feels better to.

[Tina Yukana]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Have it in motion. Kinetic energy. You guys know kinetic energy? Yeah, just have it. It's good to stay in motion. It helps me be fluid, whatever that means. But, yeah, just keep moving. Keep moving. Keep being brave. It felt weird to. It was weird to actively kind of improvise a little bit in the minute because I was like, oh, I probably have 10 seconds left. Yeah, test comic. And I was like, oh, trying to get back to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So not only does he move the microphone a lot, he also moves the stool a lot. He jumps over the stool, things like that. And I had only seen him here in this room and in the little boy, which has about the same size stage. And I took him to open up for me in a massive theater a few weeks ago, and I realized that he uses all of the stage that he's given, no matter what. That's where I learned that a crab at 45 miles an hour, sideways like that, and then back, never losing sight of the crowd, staying square the entire time. The harmonica toss. I didn't know someone could toss the harmonica 40 yards behind them like that while telling jokes. Everything was bigger. I wouldn't have guessed that about him, but he might use more stage than any comedian I've ever seen before.

[Jim Norton]

Well, I was amazed, too, coming out. I was like, I mean, I think you're really funny, but I was like, oh, please, let him knock the drums over. I thought that would be so fucking great. But you moved well in the space. You don't overuse what you have, so.

[John Condolick]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Very impressive. You're very aware of your surroundings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yeah, I try to be.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, it's a heat signature thing. I try to keep that like a velociraptor. You know how they say fighter jets? It's not. You know, they say fighter jets, it's not about where they are, it's about where they aren't. So that's kind of what I operate on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Casey Rocket]

F15 rules.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jim Norton]

I've actually never heard that about fighter jets, but I believe it when you said it.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I don't.

[Casey Rocket]

I don't know. I heard that one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I also never heard of it. It is incredible. You have a real knack at making up references that perhaps have never existed before. Is looking for ghosts at the White House something you've always wanted to do, or is this just with this new administration? Another one.

[Casey Rocket]

The Undertaker Walks Out I yeah, it's something. It's definitely piqued my interest. The last few years, I've been getting more into ghost hunting. I We all, we contain dualities, right? Multiplicities, dualities. Plato talked about this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the toy, not the philosopher.

[Casey Rocket]

The philosopher, not the food.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I He.

[Enrique Chacone]

Come on now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I just got Casey rocketed right in the face. That was incredible.

[Casey Rocket]

But I'm a complicated guy and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's

[Casey Rocket]

funny to bring that up in the context of hunting ghosts. I But Wynonna Judd was out here earlier and I wrote a song. And I would love to sing the song that I wrote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. We never had Casey do a song before. This is very exciting.

[Casey Rocket]

I have to. It's a short song, so it's kind of like a country song.

[John Condolick]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know what you want, like a.

[Lino Rodriguez]

It's a little.

[Casey Rocket]

It's like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Be careful what you wish for again.

[Casey Rocket]

Okay, perfect. It's kind of complicated, so I just gotta look at it really quickly. Okay, here we go. It's called how far can a Quarter Go? It's a serious song, so don't laugh. It's really serious. Okay. There comes a time in every woman's life where she's gotta make a choice. The future seems so far from now Sitting in this little one horse town But I know I gotta find my voice. Sitting here staring at the phone Prayin how Far can a quarter go? Till I lose my voice. I've got regrets and I told you so. Now I'm sitting here in the waiting room and I don't want to see you go how far can a quarter go? Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the only. That's it. But it's pretty good. It's pretty good. So. Pretty exciting.

[Casey Rocket]

Snow again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a first time singer song. I'm a first time singer songwriter.

[Casey Rocket]

So pretty good. Not that bad. Pretty good. Okay. It went really. It went really good. I think I. I think it went really good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I love that you're your own music critic. How a quarter ago. That was good. That was really good. Yeah. That was your favorite song of the year.

[Jim Norton]

The question that's on all our minds,

[Casey Rocket]

how far can a quarter go? It's like, I don't want to explain too much about it, but it's like, can this quarter take you back to what you once had? Like, get a payphone?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that's about.

[Tina Yukana]

Thank you.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Wynonna Judd has something she wants to say up there. Hold on. Here she is. Everybody's silent. Wynonna Judd. Uh. Oh, call me.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. He just got signed to a record deal. Oh, my go. Oh, my God. Wiona Judd just made a new Wiona Bud. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Casey. You convinced her that it was great with your. That was good. That was good.

[Jim Norton]

She's not going to help you. She's just showing you what you can do with a quarter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. I love it. Casey, you're a goddamn superstar. We love you so much. So much fun. There he goes, the great ladies and gentlemen. And like that, it has begun. No one starts a show quite like Casey Rocket. And now we switch over to the bucket, where anything can happen. We're gonna meet some new people here. Make some noise for John Kondalek with 60 seconds uninterrupted. John Kondalek, everybody. Come on.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah.

[John Condolick]

Fuck, yeah, mothership. How's it going, everybody? Goddamn right. How's your week been? Mine's been all right. The other day, someone said that I had resting youth pastor face. Little bit about me. I'm an amputee, missing three and a half my fingers.

[Jim Norton]

Totally cool to laugh.

[John Condolick]

Last a bet. Fuck, yeah. What happened? Well, like, my birth, it was an accident. So at least with that accident, someone came. So I'm just saying, fuck yeah. I actually got a pretty good deal because I got three and I got one half off. So tell your fucking friends. Hell, yeah. Dude, I put the armed in armed forces, you know what I'm saying? Because my hand looks like a gun. And the state of Texas at the same fucking time.

[Jim Norton]

So.

[John Condolick]

The great state of fucking Texas. Access. So laugh, guys. I'm John Condolick. Thanks so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, John Condolick. Very fun minute. Great set. There's something about you. I can't quite put my fingers on it. Jim, what do you think?

[Jim Norton]

Tony, seriously, give him the hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? Yeah, dude. Incredible. John, I would give you knuckles, but rigger bones it.

[John Condolick]

Fuck yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. How did you.

[Jim Norton]

How did you. How did you lose him?

[John Condolick]

Well, I got fourth degree burns, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fireworks?

[John Condolick]

No, I. I had my hand in cement and there is a makeup accident for a film. And I was actually playing a guy who gets his fingers cut off. And I just take method acting way too seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, wow.

[John Condolick]

I'm coming after you, Daniel Day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking look out.

[John Condolick]

No, but. So they use the wrong materials and they basically use something called Ultra Cal 30, which is basically like a cement. And so I had a chemical burn and I got fourth degree burns, which is charred bone. And my veins were destroyed. Joints were destroyed. Everything was destroyed. They couldn't save them. We were in the. Oh, we. I was in the hospital for like weeks. And they just eventually were like, we gotta amputate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened here? Was this directed by Alec Baldwin? What? Exactly. This is a crazy. What. What kind of movie was this? Idle Hands. What movie was this? What was this for?

[John Condolick]

It was for a student project, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

[John Condolick]

It gets worse.

[Casey Rocket]

It gets worse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more.

[John Condolick]

The. The filmmakers, they were foreign exchange students, didn't speak English at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[John Condolick]

Yeah, it was crazy. And you know what's even crazier? Technically, Quentin Tarantino's responsible for this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more.

[John Condolick]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I think I saw this. Kill fingers.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, the Hateful Three.

[John Condolick]

Got him.

[Enrique Chacone]

Got him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[John Condolick]

Fuck yeah. So if you're not familiar, Quentin Tarantino made a movie called Four Rooms. Are you familiar?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, very much so.

[John Condolick]

Fuck yeah. So in his segment, there were four different stories, four different directors. In his story, he was doing basically that story, you have to light your lighter so many times, if you fuck up, you get to chop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[John Condolick]

They did that beat for beat. They just basically stole the beats. And I met Tarantino at the store and I got. I was. Don't meet your heroes when you're high on edibles. Yeah, So I told him that. And he was losing his goddamn mind. And I'm like, so wait, how does

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the final Scene in four rooms apply to your thing?

[John Condolick]

They ripped it off completely beat for beat. So they're doing the exact same story. I was the guy lighting the lighter and getting the chop. But we never got to filming because we were doing the makeup prep, and they fucked up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[John Condolick]

It's okay.

[Jim Norton]

Did you immediately know, like, the second your hand was in there was a problem?

[John Condolick]

No. So it was just like. I thought it was like silicone or not silicone, like plaster, but it was not. So it was just mushy, wet stuff. And then a few moments later, it started getting a little bit lukewarm. But as soon as that happened, it skyrocketed in heat and I jumped up and. Oh, by the way, when I was telling Tarantino this, I'm like, I'm glad this has happened. It happened for a reason. And one of the reasons was there was another actress there. She showed up late, and she put her whole hand in, and it went up to her wrist, and so she would have lost it. But as soon as I jumped up screaming like, good God, it's fucking burning me, she pulled it out and she was safe. So thank God for that. That's a blessing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did she at least give you a hand job? Yeah, she owes you one, dude. Yeah, 100% she owes you one. She or you could finger blaster with whoever that is right there. The old clit monster right there. Look at that thing.

[John Condolick]

I like to tickle them a little bit and make them like that double thumb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. The old mouse pad you got right there. The old.

[Jim Norton]

Wow.

[John Condolick]

Call that the nub rub. That's the fucking nub rub.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, careful, dude.

[John Condolick]

We might start an only fans page.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible.

[John Condolick]

She's gonna call it her handyman. Fuck, yeah.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible.

[Jim Norton]

What a nice guy. By the way, the positive you find in it is that she was okay.

[John Condolick]

She was.

[Jim Norton]

To me, that would have been the negative. Like, if only that bitch put her hand in first, I'd be fucking fine.

[Redban]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's layered.

[John Condolick]

It's multi layered. So there. I'm glad it happened. So that was a. That was a silver lining. Thank God for that. But if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have got hired at this independent film studio. If I hadn't worked at that independent film studio, I wouldn't have met my wife. If I hadn't met my wife, I wouldn't have started comedy. If I hadn't started comedy, I wouldn't have ended up at the store meeting Tarantino, and I wouldn't be here in front of all you guys at Fucking Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing, Amazing.

[John Condolick]

Full circle, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did the film get finished? Nope.

[John Condolick]

Fuck no. That was just like rust. We didn't do it like rust. We stopped shooting. We didn't. We dunzos, they fled the country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure, I bet.

[John Condolick]

So if you've seen some Koreans like yay high with like three and a half fingers, point them out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Are you right handed?

[John Condolick]

Yes.

[Redban]

That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. Yeah, that's good.

[John Condolick]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At least it looks nice too. Like that's like a nice. Thanks, dude.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, and he had a great story.

[John Condolick]

It is cool. Yeah, it's not bad. No one notices either because everyone thinks I'm like making a fist, you know what I mean? Like the fucking producers backstage, they didn't notice. And I shook their fucking hand. The bartenders out on 6th street, they put change in my hand and it fucking rolled off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How far can a quarter go? Yeah, smells fine.

[John Condolick]

Tony. No one ever wants to play rock paper scissors with me ever. You know what I'm saying? I bet they're just like rock, paper scissors and they're like, what the is that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, hatchet. Whatever I want it to be, man. I win.

[John Condolick]

So it pays to look like the butler from Scary Movie too. That's all I'm saying. Let me use my good hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I can see it. So how long you been doing stand up, John?

[John Condolick]

Two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And where at?

[John Condolick]

La?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

La?

[John Condolick]

Yeah, just drove up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can logo with your hand.

[Mark Welborne]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's a reverse.

[John Condolick]

We literally just got in here at 6:30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[John Condolick]

First in time for sign ups.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for work? How do you make a living?

[John Condolick]

So for a living, I've been in the film industry for 13 years and I edit movie trailers for a living.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. That's my dangers also. Hit the cutting room floor. That's amazing.

[Casey Rocket]

That's good.

[John Condolick]

I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any trailers we would recognize or anything?

[John Condolick]

No, it's a lot of five million dollar movies. Like the kind of stuff that you see straight to like. Have you seen any Aaron Cart action movie? Yeah, no one has, so it's shit like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[John Condolick]

It doesn't make me happy anymore. Comedy makes me happy and I've been pulling back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, pulling back. So what's your love life like?

[Jim Norton]

A lot of fisting?

[Audrey Michelle]

Yeah.

[John Condolick]

Not great. Yeah. Mainly because my wife doesn't let me have a girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're married?

[John Condolick]

Yes sir, I'm married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I can't tell. There's not a ring on there.

[John Condolick]

Yeah, I've moved it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you see the old Switcher ring. Look at that.

[Redban]

This is. This is.

[John Condolick]

This is really embarrassing. I was. I was originally gonna wear my ring on, like, a necklace, but I'm like, this is too, like, Frodo. Lord of the Rings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's gay.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[John Condolick]

I'm like, I earned this. I'm gonna wear it on my ring. I just moved it over here, so I think people still. Still get it, right? You still get it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[John Condolick]

I like your jacket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't interject. The audience, their words don't matter.

[John Condolick]

Sorry, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He keeps like. What do you think? Like that. Cool. How about you? All right.

[John Condolick]

Sorry.

[Jim Norton]

If you see a bunch of people waiting in an elevator, will you run up and go, I got it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. That is an amazing. It's almost more pointier than a regular pointer finger. You have no joints fluffing it up.

[John Condolick]

This is just the knuckle right there.

[Tyler Gallant]

It's.

[John Condolick]

It's sharp.

[Enrique Chacone]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has it ever come in handy? No pun intended?

[John Condolick]

No, no, no. Haven't done anything cool with it. But, you know, one thing I've always wanted to do, no one's ever sucked it before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you're at the right place at the right time. It just so happens I'm into the freakiest shit you've ever of in your life.

[John Condolick]

It's already hard, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love.

[John Condolick]

It's hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hopefully.

[Jim Norton]

You meet Paul McCartney, I'm sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any other. Any other special skills or talents?

[John Condolick]

Yeah, I have a couple of notes here. I can. Yeah. Because for this reason, you know the show. Yes. I can lick my own nose. I. My eyes can shake.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could do that.

[John Condolick]

Yeah. You do the eye shaking thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can do that. Yeah. No, you lick your nose. Whoa. Hell yeah, he can eat. Ladies. Yeah.

[John Condolick]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And for those of you that absolutely have to get finger blasted with the left hand. No, this guy can eat.

[John Condolick]

I always finish what I eat. I'm a gentleman.

[Jim Norton]

So what is the eye shake? What is the eye shake?

[John Condolick]

The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, you see it?

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's frightening

[John Condolick]

in school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Frightening thing. Yeah. I learned it at school, too. It's a weird.

[John Condolick]

I got jealous of a kid and I'm like, I want to do that. And I like, like, worked on it until I did it.

[Jim Norton]

Sure.

[John Condolick]

And the others. Yeah, I know. Useless talents, for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The best shore of 2024 goes to Jim Norton so far. Sure.

[Jim Norton]

That's a great look for a date. That's a great look.

[John Condolick]

I 100%. I have this weird ability that it's a stupid Superpower, but it's more like a defense mechanism. My body just shuts down and if it gets too stressed and it will just like, I'll just turn off and I'll just pass out.

[Jim Norton]

What are you, a goat?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Condolick]

You guys ever see goats?

[Redban]

They.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's me.

[John Condolick]

Whole body just shuts down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, John, an amazing performance. Very fun. Great way to start representing the buckets. Can you catch this? 100%. Yeah. There he goes. John Condolick, ladies and gentlemen. Getting the bucket started tonight. How fun, huh? Makes the noise for John, everybody. Well, you know, anything can happen here at the comedy Mothership. And I think that. I think that we have a very, very special treat right now. Ladies and gentlemen. I think I get to bring up two of my favorite humans on planet Earth joining us. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Tucker Carlson and Joe Rogan. Come on in, guys. Yeah. Slide on down, Tucker. Tucker had no idea this was going on until 30 seconds ago. I love it. He had no idea he was going on stage. He's just finding out right now. We were literally at dinner and he's like, I want to show you my new place. We're standing backstage and I didn't know I was coming out till I heard my name. We call that the old Post Malone right there. That's what we. This before we did the Post Malone. The same thing. Tucker, welcome to the show. Let's go front. Let's go front. Okay. Luckily I'm sober.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This one's for you. Put that one back on the stand.

[Cam Patterson]

Cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Are all three of these working? Okay, we're going. You should take this one and I'll take that one. We're going to get them pumping here. We're going to get them working. Tucker, welcome to the show. Well, thank you for having me. This is an amazing, amazing. By the way, that laugh is real. He does it all the time. We're gonna have fun. I'm gonna grab a Zen, if you don't mind.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. We love it. Scoot on down, guys. All the way as far as you possibly can so we can get some of these poor souls up here.

[Jim Norton]

Hey, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tucker, you know how the show works of stand up comedians over 230 signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight. I'm an unemployed talk show host, not a stand up comedian. So no, I have no idea how this works. Well, we're gonna watch and I have a sense it won't go well. No, it's gonna be great. But we're gonna watch them and then afterwards we give a little bit, a little bit of input. It's a little free speech version of America's Got Talent, but it's just dirty stand up comedy. I can do that. Hell yeah. Tucker Carlson, everybody. Joe Rogan and Jim Norton. This is is Kill Tony. We're gonna watch 60 seconds uninterrupted. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll goes by the name of Lino Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lino Rodriguez. And here we go. Here's Lino, everybody.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Hi, my name is Lino Rodriguez and I'm an ass man. Yes. Not because of the shape, but because of the smell. You know what I mean? I'm more of an aroma guy. You know, I have a dimple. I think that's pretty cool. I think dimples are the only physical deformity that will get you laid. You know, no one ever looked at my club feet and was like, yo, nine iron, come get some of this pussy. I like to look at, you know, woman with scoliosis and be like, hey, little cinnamon twist. Let me break that back some more, you know? Okay. Oh, man, this is nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. That's good. Hell yeah. Lino Rodriguez with his Kill Tony debut. What happened there at the end, Lino?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I got excited,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it was fun.

[Lino Rodriguez]

This is a fun experience. And I forgot what the fuck I was gonna say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. That's really the answer I was looking for there. You got excited.

[Jim Norton]

You're confident in your dimple. I like that. I respect that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yeah, yeah.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I made it myself. I appreciate it.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. You look good.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yes, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look good.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. There's love on this stage tonight. Lino, how old are you?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm 27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

27. How long you been doing stand up?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Like two and a half, three years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where at?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm originally from Mississippi. Big M's. What's up?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. The last comedian couldn't do that. He only had one finger. The good one. Yeah, it was, but it was cut in half.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Oh, nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Selena, you're from Mississippi and then what? You were getting somewhere with that?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I lived in New Orleans for a bit, you know, had some fun, got a little drunk, had a good life there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And now I'm out there for about

[Lino Rodriguez]

a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About a year and a half. What do you do for work? Leno?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm a security guard down at the Vulcan. Oh, yes, your ex wife.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, Vulcan, My ex wife. Because I used to do shows there a Lot of. Yes. That's what you mean by that. Yeah.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Well, I think you forgot what you were gonna say again there. Lena,

[Jim Norton]

do you really have a club foot?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I do. I was born with two club feet.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness, this is quite the carnival of the show I have here tonight. The deformities are growing with each bucket pool. My goodness, the hands and feet on these people are absolutely disgusting.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Good night for cripples.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work in security?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

27 years old. What do you do for fun?

[Jim Norton]

Golf.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'm a killer mini golf player. Yes, I like to play music. I like to hang out with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of music do you play?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Alternative music, like rockish type things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do? You sing? You play guitar? What do you do?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yes, I sing and play guitar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah, yeah, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Why do you say yeah like that? Michael, you want to hear him play? Do you guys want to hear him play a song? Matt, you gonna let this guy borrow your guitar? Matt likes to play hard to get. You could probably. You think you could play Matt's guitar?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Sure, if you let me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, yeah, he definitely has to let you put the mic in the mic stand there. We're gonna wrap this guitar around your goddamn big ass shoulder. No. D, relax. D is out of control. He thinks you're gay. D is homophobic. You relax. D, you relax. Okay. D Madness was drinking Crown and Coke. String the sound check at 6:15. D's out of control. Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. For those of you that, like Julio Iglesias, Blow Up Dolls, say you've heard of Green Day. This is Brown Day, ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony music debut. This is Lino Rodriguez Leno. Do you want to pick, dude? No, it's okay.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Okay, thank you. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhoh.

[Lino Rodriguez]

It came out the strap. All right, all right.

[Enrique Chacone]

Here, here.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're getting somewhere.

[Lino Rodriguez]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It. All right. Is this. How far does a quarter go? Last night I had a dream that you were with me.

[Lino Rodriguez]

When I woke up you were nowhere to be seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why does my mind like to fuck with me?

[Lino Rodriguez]

You're the psychedelic princess of my dreams.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You, eyes ever dream? Yes. Those looks were made to impress.

[Lino Rodriguez]

You're so beautiful, it's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, that's enough. That's enough.

[Tina Yukana]

It was.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do music like you do comedy. Similar vibe. That was. Are you heavily influenced by Sublime?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yes. Yes, I. I was. Yes, yes. Yeah. And Green Day and all those good people. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

What's the name of the song?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Daydreams. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you write it?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do a lot of like, you're more like reggae style?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Nah, that's just the one I. My mind came up with in the moment because I'm in front of this beautiful audience. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I couldn't really think of anything.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Again, who was that?

[Jim Norton]

Written about?

[Lino Rodriguez]

This woman I met while I was doing psychedelics in Washington.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

State or D.C. yeah. Which one? State or D.C. yeah.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Spokane. Spokane, Washington.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yes. You guys were on meth?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That was Daniel Jones.

[Lino Rodriguez]

We were candy flipping a bit.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Not letting the cops in.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Fuck, no, no, no. It was a good time, man. Yeah. Another fun fact about me is my dad was murdered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Tell us more about this. What a way to bring that up.

[Lino Rodriguez]

We're getting to the nitty gritty, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Imagine being on a date with this guy. Tell us more. This sounds great. We love this here on this show.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Oh, yeah, man. My dad was murdered. He didn't really die in a cool way or anything. Like getting hit by a car or dying in a submarine looking for the Titanic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a long setup.

[Jim Norton]

Sure

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you don't need to play reggae music, guys.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how was he murdered? Yeah.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I'll tell you something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These setups, he's tremendous. He got hit just like your grandparents took to get here. Okie dokie. It's a illegal immigration joke. Not that big of a deal. How was he murdered?

[Lino Rodriguez]

He got hit in the face with a baseball bat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. We have a sound effect for that. We've been waiting. There it is. Oh, my goodness. So he never came back. Home run after that?

[Jim Norton]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, my goodness.

[Jim Norton]

What was the reason? What did he do?

[Lino Rodriguez]

He was a.

[Casey Rocket]

He.

[Lino Rodriguez]

He was around with somebody's wife, I. I think or something.

[Jim Norton]

So the guy caught him, hit him with a bat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah, they. They were really good at that. Yeah, absolutely.

[Lino Rodriguez]

They did a great job on defense.

[Jim Norton]

He died doing what he loved.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable. How old were you when that happened?

[Lino Rodriguez]

I wasn't born yet. I was in. I was still in the womb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Jim Norton]

And he was somebody else while your mom was pregnant.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Bingo.

[Jim Norton]

Your dad rules.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he's pretty sick.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I have a sister that's three months older than me. Oh, yeah. He got around. He had a good time in the 90s, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible.

[Lino Rodriguez]

I guess Puerto Ricans are like contraceptives. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're correct about that. Okie dokie. Yeah. Oh, man.

[Lino Rodriguez]

This is awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, absolutely. Well, the good news is, is that your dad is watching right now. He's looking up at you thinking, wow, I'm proud of my boy. Yes. The Sweet Sound Symphony, Sounds of Hell, everybody leaving a bunch of unborn children with a. Technically, he overdosed on crack. Okie dokie. So he never got to call you little slugger, huh?

[Lino Rodriguez]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The only. Did the guy that hit him start rounding the bases at least? Okay, all right. This is out of control.

[Jim Norton]

Is it crazy? Your dad got hit with a bat and you have club feet?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're more of a soccer guy, I guess, huh? Oh, my goodness. Well, Lino, very good interview. I love your honesty. There's a little joke book. Congratulations. Welcome to Kiltoni. There he goes. Yeah. You know what? We're gonna get one of our golden ticket winners up here. This guy's been saving up for a while to do a new minute in front of you. This is one of the longest standing golden ticket winners wanted in Houston about a half a decade ago. We've watched him grow up in front of our eyes. Make some noise for the great brand new minute from Enrique Chacone, everybody. A new minute from Enrique.

[Enrique Chacone]

Damn, now I gotta catch my breath, dog. Anyways, man, I got an aggressive dog at home. I got this motherfucker during COVID so I didn't have a chance to socialize him. And now he wants to kill everybody, bro. And it's an issue. He tried to bite my brother the other day. And I'm defending him against my family because he's my fucking fur baby, right? But as I'm defending him, I'm realizing that I started sounding like a school shooter's mom. Y', all, I'm sorry he hurt those people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just gotta get to know him. He's a good boy.

[Enrique Chacone]

I think it's fucked up that my dog has insurance and I don't. Look how much I'm sweating.

[Cam Patterson]

Look at me.

[Enrique Chacone]

I need all the insurance I can get. He has Allstate just in case he kills somebody. That's a grown Latino, man. All I have for insurance is a Virgin Mary candle and Vic's Vapor of thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. That is the return of a golden ticket winner. The difference, the caliber of difference between a regular bucket pull and one of the legends of Kil, Tony, Enrique Chacone, coming in, flexing a new minute ending with a big applause break. Fantastic stuff. Remind us all, how long you been on stand up?

[Enrique Chacone]

It's been about five years now, man. I've been doing stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you were instantly Likable and loved on this show. You were famously the West Hollywood bear in the two arena episodes.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crowd went wild for you.

[Enrique Chacone]

It was fucking insane, man. We'll do it all over again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Definitely will. So what is the deal? Is this true? You have a crazy dog, Enrique?

[Enrique Chacone]

I have a crazy dog at home. He's like a pitbull boxer mix, bro. But honestly, he's just a serial killer, bro. I don't know how to handle this. He's nice to me and my girl, but, dude, he killed my fucking. My favorite chicken today, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He killed the chicken.

[Enrique Chacone]

I swear to God, man. I had a Andrea Yates moment. Like, bro, I was ready to drown this motherfucker dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[Enrique Chacone]

Like, I was like, yo, it's time for a bubble bath up in this bitch, you know? Like, man, this is like my best chicken. My fattest chicken. Producing the best eggs, you know? Cause I live in a fucking ranch, right? But, man, I don't know what to do, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Just killed a chicken. A whole waste of a chicken.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I couldn't right now. Somewhere, David Lucas is crying,

[Enrique Chacone]

up, bro. It's up. It is crazy. Like, instinctually, like, it's. It killed the chicken. It broke his neck. But it started eating it. Eating the chicken first, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, that's one dirty dog you got.

[Enrique Chacone]

He's a predator.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like Jim Norton.

[Jim Norton]

You trained him well.

[Enrique Chacone]

He's a predator, but that's sexual predator behavior.

[Jim Norton]

You know, whenever he started eating the chicken's ass first and the chicken didn't go for it and he bit its neck.

[Enrique Chacone]

I mean, you would know, dude.

[Casey Rocket]

Nice.

[Jim Norton]

I would. I've been on both ends of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So you're living out there on a ranch, huh?

[Enrique Chacone]

Living out on a ranch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Looks like you're also living on a thousand island and a creamy Caesar as well. I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

I love it.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yes, I am. Fuck ranch. It's all about blue cheese, baby. Blue cheese, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got me fucked up, Tony. Oh, no. I can see the chunky blue cheese, too, right?

[Enrique Chacone]

That's actually the name of my only fans. Chunk of Blue Cheese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Enrique Chacone]

Like, and subscribe, bro. I recently quit my job at Buc ee, so I'm over here trying to hustle up, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Enrique Chacone]

I had to, bro. I had to, man. I was wearing that Bieber suit and I kept. I kept getting molested by grown men, dude. I don't know how to say it. I kept getting molested, bro. I was wearing that Bieber suit, and they would whisper in my Ear. I wonder if you're a man or a woman, you know.

[Jim Norton]

And ah, story of my life.

[Enrique Chacone]

I'm glad you can relate, Jim. I really, I'm glad you could relate, man. But because of my body type, they

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

couldn't tell, you know. Absolutely incredible. Enrique has the only, only fans that he gets paid. An actual fan. He's always overheating. Absolutely sweating. How old are you again? Enrique? You are one of the unhealthiest young boys that's ever been on this show before.

[Enrique Chacone]

I'm 26 right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

26?

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah, 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever talked to a heart doctor about your profuse sweating?

[Enrique Chacone]

I recently got rid of my pre hypertension, you know, I just started going on a few walks and I recently started doing jujitsu. Hey, fuck you. Fuck you, bro. A recently started taking jiu jitsu classes. I got beat by like this 16 year old country boy, bro. He beat the fuck out of me, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By the way, for those of you just listening to the podcast or watching, I guess there's no way for you to know, but it is truly 66.6 degrees in this room right now. On this stage. We keep a thermometer here. Breaking news. Yes, breaking news. 66.66 degrees the MAR. Oh, it's 0.7. Now the laughs bring up the temperature. So you must sweat like this. Absolutely. All the time, right, you know?

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah, it, yeah, all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you do any cardio at all other than chew jitsu or whatever the you do you.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah, I mean chew jitsu, that's probably the only way I could get that off of me, bro. I mean he had me on side control. I, I don't, you know, I'm not familiar, like Joe, bro. I don't know the positions, but I just call it the dying fetus position, bro. I was just on the side. He had me on his seat belt, bro. He was me up, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, wow. Do they have. What color belt are you in? Does it actually fit around your waist?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah. Do you have to get a jiu jitsu belt extender?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This ain't a softest hairline. I'm a, I'm a half white belt, half yellow.

[Enrique Chacone]

My ghee, my ghee is full of mustard stains and cum stains, Tony. Absolutely, absolutely. A lot of mayo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're killing it, dude. This is a real, real sign of greatness. What else is going on? What's the coolest thing happening in your career right now before I let you go? Anything else?

[Enrique Chacone]

The coolest thing that happened in my career, man. So I'M focused now on full time comedy since I quit buc EE's, bro, I'm not gonna lie. Thank you, dawg. I appreciate that. Looking for road gigs. I'm looking to hit the road hard, right? So I ran out of PTO at BUC EE's and this also was me up, man. Cuz they wanted me to be the beaver for like all night. I'm like, bro, dude, that's too much, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it hard for you to hang up the Buc ee helmet?

[Enrique Chacone]

It was hard, bro, but I think it was the right decision, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, got it done.

[Enrique Chacone]

It's the right decision. But that was the only sauna therapy I was getting at the moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tucker, what did you think about Enrique Chacon? You watch a lot of standup? You a fan of standup? I love this, man. Yeah, thank you, Tucker.

[Enrique Chacone]

Maybe in return you can get me a green card.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know,

[Enrique Chacone]

I'll do any gig in this country, but outside the country, I'm have to hit on my man Tucker,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know what I mean? You're already taking jobs Americans can't do. Oh,

[Enrique Chacone]

I was going to vote for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Foe, you know, for him. You lost a good one here. Well, actually, I can't as a compliment. Wait, hold on, hold on. Enrique. Who do you think Tucker Carlson is? He's new here.

[Enrique Chacone]

I saw the wig, I was like, dude, this guy, This guy got power, bro. Got power.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's so awesome, dude. You're welcome to tug on it. Oh. Oh. Hey, that's some.

[Enrique Chacone]

That's some good weave, dog. That's some good weave. He must have got that weave in Houston. That's fire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it's time for you to weave, Enrique. We love you. There he goes. The great Enrique Chacone, everybody. And back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. This is where we find all of our regulars. This is where we find completely insane people. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Mark Welborn, everybody. Mark Welborne is next on Kiltoni, the land of opportunity. Here he is, Mark Welborne.

[Mark Welborne]

So my dad told me a story recently. Unlike that other bucket pool. Yeah. So he told me that when I was a baby, he tried to mansplain breastfeeding to my mom. And since my dad grew up on a dairy farm and he helped baby calves latched to their mother's udders, he decided to give her a few pointers. And he told me that the trick is you have to rapidly smack the udder. In this case, the breast. And that'll get the milk to start to flow. And then my dad goes, yeah. And she didn't care for it. Oh, what, she didn't care for getting her boobs smacked around while she was trying to breastfeed? Or the fact you compared her to a cow?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which.

[Mark Welborne]

Anyone else here play slap the bag with their mother's tick growing up? Because apparently we were. My dad would slap, I would drink, my mom would file for divorce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Mark Welborne. Fun stuff. I've always wondered what 60 seconds would be like. Performed by Anthony Jeselnik's Sperm how old are you?

[Mark Welborne]

I am 26 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been doing stand up?

[Mark Welborne]

After tonight, it'll be three years and nine months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Very, very. You're keeping a close track on that.

[Mark Welborne]

Yes, I checked today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

You had a tough spot. The guy in front of you had a really funny interaction with Tucker. He killed. And you came right out and you went after the other kid's father, which I thought was great. It was very funny. It was a good instinct. And it was the best laugh you got. That was a great alive moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really was. It was. I noticed that, too. You were a little bit more comfortable thinking off the top of your head than with what you planned to go with. You kind of stiffened up a little bit. Does that happen a lot? Do you get, like, loose during your sets? What goes on here?

[Mark Welborne]

Yeah, sometimes, I guess. I guess it didn't happen tonight. I don't know. Did that feel really stiff? Do I still feel stiff?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

No, no, Very comfortable, Very relaxed.

[Cam Patterson]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do I look fucking stiff to you?

[Jim Norton]

I've seen more relax. Relaxed people talking to Chris Hansen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Mark, 26. What do you do for work?

[Mark Welborne]

I'm an engineer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you? Engineering.

[Mark Welborne]

Why'd you laugh, chuckle, what the hell?

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, because I already knew that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Oh, it. Oh, this is amazing. I love this. This is the best Republican National Convention I've ever been to in my entire life. I love it. Okay, so what kind of engineer are you?

[Mark Welborne]

Civil. I'm trying to build back better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of course. Absolutely. Absolutely. Hopefully your structures are as stiff as you are. What do you like to do for fun? How does a guy like Mark Welborne get loose?

[Mark Welborne]

This may actually shock everyone here, but I. I golf.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tucker with another. I knew that.

[Jim Norton]

I got a guy whose feet you can use.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. And I know another guy that can point exactly where to hit it.

[Jim Norton]

Except you'll have to yell three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. So. Oh, boy. So much fun. So Mark, other than golf, like, what's. What's a wild thing about Mark Welborne? Because you have this image, we all have only known you for 4 minutes and 15 seconds and we think you're kind of like a. You know what I mean? What's a wild side. What's the wild side of Mark Welbo? I don't know what you mean. Yeah, yeah, he's. He's kind of, you know, he's stiff, he's kind of proper, he's prim. I mean, even Tucker here busts out a Zen every once in a while. You know what I'm saying? Like, what's the wild side of Mark Welborne job? I.

[Mark Welborne]

God, I don't know if I could say it here with the civil engineer. I. I like to get really drunk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mark Welborne]

I. But I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are we talking about, a couple Zimas?

[Mark Welborne]

No.

[Tyler Gallant]

Well,

[Mark Welborne]

no, I've. I've actually been sober since Valentine's Day, which also was the Ash Wednesday and I gave it up for Lent.

[Jim Norton]

Nice.

[Redban]

So.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, you look like a Capitol Hill page who has anal in the Senate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He does look like that. You look like that. You could have been the top or the bottom in this analogy as well. So what happened on Valentine's Day to make you quit drinking? Or was it a planned thing?

[Mark Welborne]

It was. No, it's typically, I'm a pretty good Catholic. I give something up each year and I used to like, like do sweets. I would. I'm like, I'm giving up sweets for Len.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Mark Welborne]

But like I never ate that much sweets, so I was kind of cheating God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mark Welborne]

And then I got more into it and I decided I was going to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God ever come to you and say you were cheating?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Redban]

Mark.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I know you don't even like candy that much.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want you to give up gay porn one of these years.

[Redban]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Show me you love me, Mark. Show me your faith. Show me, Mark. Show me these Rishi cups are not handling it, Mark. Yeah, okay. See, we're cheating with God. And then what happened?

[Mark Welborne]

Yeah, and then I did give up porn a couple years, but I couldn't tell my grandmother that, you know, cuz she would always.

[Jim Norton]

She was starring in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why couldn't you tell your grandma?

[Mark Welborne]

I couldn't. I'm not going to tell my grandma I gave up porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what would you tell your grandma?

[Mark Welborne]

I'd tell her sweets. Again.

[William Montgomery]

Again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Meanwhile. Meanwhile God's like, you're lying. You're lying to your grandmother. I don't know how God works. God's just Darth Vader to me if you can't tell, that's how I think. I went to a Catholic school. So, like, I'm like, you know, not with it. His father, Emperor Palpatine, I think, started the universe or something like that. All right, so, Mark, Mark, before I let you go, you're a good Catholic. You say you hook up with a lot of chicks. What's your story with women?

[Mark Welborne]

No, I haven't dated since 2016, but I actually just started dating a girl within the past month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right, very nice. Is she also a sex robot? I fucked that one up.

[Mark Welborne]

No, I'm not gonna say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a little stiff.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Where'd you meet her? Where'd you meet this gal?

[Mark Welborne]

Yeah, Dating app.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Christian dating app.

[Mark Welborne]

No, no, that's a weird spot. I went to Catholic Match before. It was not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened on Catholic Match. Tell us.

[Mark Welborne]

Just like a lot of widows. I couldn't. I couldn't even.

[Jim Norton]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Jim Norton]

a lot of weirdos and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, like you.

[William Montgomery]

No, no, but you didn't do

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

weirdos. Oh, my God, that too.

[Mark Welborne]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't. You didn't want any of the widows. Some of that good old.

[Mark Welborne]

Well, they don't. They're not good at responding. They're not great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Neither are their husbands. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. My goodness. All right, well, Mark, very, very fun. Congratulations. Here's a little kill Tony joke book. Boom. There goes Mark Welborne, everybody. Well, no, let's do one more and then him and see what happens here. Makes noise. For your next bucket poll, it is Audrey Michelle, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Audrey Michelle. Yeah, let's go.

[Audrey Michelle]

Recently, I've been congregating with a lot of women trying to figure out how they start masturbating for the first time. See, with men and women, it's a lot different. Dudes usually start masturbating for the first time with other dudes. You know, they find a porno mag like, hey, bro, just found this magic. You want to go check it out? Just 12 year old Timmy jerking off with his best friend for the first time staring him in the eyes. With women, they start with the corner of the washer, maybe humping a pillow. Not me. I went straight to the electric toothbrush. When you start masturbating with an electric toothbrush, you never step away. Now my clit is calloused. I need a fucking bear trap on my ankle and a noose around my neck to bust a nut anymore. I need to Pay the Chinese chiropractor in the mall 100 bucks to just

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

start punching my clit. Fucking going at it.

[Audrey Michelle]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Audrey, Michelle, welcome to the show. This is your first time here? Yeah, welcome. It's a fun set. I have so many questions. Let's start with how men start out masturbating. And where are you getting this information?

[Audrey Michelle]

They're mad because I'm telling all their secrets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll have it be known I also started masturbating with an electric toothbrush. So I'm not one of these normal guys.

[Jim Norton]

And I masturbated recently with a boy named Tim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me.

[Audrey Michelle]

Did your electric toothbrush also have a My Little Pony character on it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's scary. Horrible.

[Cam Patterson]

Be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's scary. So welcome. How long you been doing standup, Audrey?

[Audrey Michelle]

Seriously? About two months. Not so seriously. Maybe about five months in total.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. Probably the best bucket pool so far the night came out. A lot of it. Seems like you have stage presence. What have you done before that made you so comfortable on the stage? I know you're not a stripper. Can you imagine? All right, fellow librarians, get ready. Here she comes. Welcome to the east side Strip Club. Dewey Decimo coming to the main stage.

[Jim Norton]

Get those pennies, Rel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna soften you up. Who's ready to go limp out there? Who's got their toothbrush charged?

[Jim Norton]

Get that jab ready. She'll show her clit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She might give you some oral b. Toothbrush jokes, everybody. Toothbrush jokes. You gotta keep up. Here she comes. Where'd you get that shirt? That is incredible.

[Audrey Michelle]

Can you give him a shout out?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Audrey Michelle]

It's Tech Daddy Tolu on Instagram. He makes these shirts. He's been making them for a while now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There you go.

[Audrey Michelle]

Tech Daddy Alpha. My bad.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Now that you said Alpha, Rogan's a fan.

[Audrey Michelle]

I just want to say I promised somebody else. Can I do one more?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do one more what?

[Audrey Michelle]

Shout out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Come on. What is this? What is that?

[Audrey Michelle]

He wanted me to talk about the date we went on in Eureka.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went on a date with the rapper Michael White, who makes spaghetti?

[Audrey Michelle]

I ordered the cheapest thing off the menu so I didn't have to put out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow.

[Audrey Michelle]

Stuck to water and everything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Jim Norton]

What was that, the cheapest thing on the menu?

[Audrey Michelle]

It was a $10 bowl of truffle fries.

[Tyler Gallant]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible, the level of cuisine that you have. So you guys didn't do anything afterwards? He didn't go to your Place and ask to use your toothbrush or anything like that.

[Audrey Michelle]

I've upgraded to the Hitachi Wand since then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Congratulations. Awesome. Absolutely. You used that to brush your teeth? The what? Yeah, you just brushed that off. The Hitachi Wa was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Everybody uses that. What is that?

[Audrey Michelle]

It's the. I don't. You've probably seen it used. It was like the first body massager.

[Jim Norton]

Yep.

[Audrey Michelle]

It's the big, like, blue and white one with a huge white ball on the top.

[Enrique Chacone]

His eyes just got so wide.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you plug it into the wall, and there's been videos of it exploding in women's vaginas.

[Audrey Michelle]

So I choose the one that plugs

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

into the wall because. Hold on. Red, man. What? It's like the most powerful industrial vibrator ever. It's like this big. You plug it in the wall and there's videos of it, like, sparking and.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How come you never sent me those videos? You send me so many videos. You've been holding, like a handheld Sibian, basically.

[Audrey Michelle]

Dude, it's like 120 grit sandpaper down there. I need something. Yeah, you're the strongest thing on the market, dude.

[Jim Norton]

You got to go out and steal a jackhammer.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Audrey Michelle]

That's what the Chinese man's doing on my clit.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Audrey, what do you do for a living? What coffee shop do you work at exactly?

[Audrey Michelle]

I actually just quit my job. Slinging za at Rapping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Audrey Michelle]

Slinging za at Rapalo's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that, pizza?

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Enrique Chacone]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you again, Audrey?

[Audrey Michelle]

I'm about to, like, ruin my life right now. I'm 20.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're 20. Very young. Interesting. How is that ruining your life by telling your age?

[Audrey Michelle]

Because a lot of the places in here have been letting me in. When you turn 21 in February, well,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that gives you a lot of months to let the old clit take a rest, you know, Maybe shed some of that. That snake skin. Let it come back to.

[Audrey Michelle]

This sucks, man. You have to be 21 to do mics around here. I hit, like, three and nine after this episode comes out. I'm not getting in any of them anymore.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. You laugh like there's a Hitachi in your pants right now. What do you got? Red pan. You don't have a sound effect for that? Yeah, no, there's nothing for that. There's a goat. You have a goat? Yeah. There it is. Audrey. Congratulations. Your Kill Tony debut. Fun times. There she goes, everybody. The Kill Tony debut of Audrey Michelle. Everyone. I'm going to keep it moving, moving forward. Here we got another regular here. He is the force of nature, everybody with a brand new minute. Not easy to do at all. And he does it every week. It's your. One of your favorite comedians in the world, Cam Patterson, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

That last bitch was a schlut.

[John Condolick]

All right,

[Cam Patterson]

I seen somebody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is sis.

[Cam Patterson]

Look at sis. Look at sids real quick. I seen somebody die a couple days ago on a bird scooter. And it fucked me up, dog. You feel what I'm saying? Cause my first thought was, if that scooter not broken, they not throwing that bitch away. You feel what I'm saying? My other thought was I wanted to take the scooter. Could have somewhere to go. He was still logged in on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He ain't either.

[Cam Patterson]

He was dead as shit. And I was late for a show I had to be at. You feel what I'm saying? And it's weird. Cause he died in front of, like a comedian. I'm a fucked up person. I don't think good thoughts. You feel what I'm saying? Like, if he died in front of you, good sir, you'd have been like, oh, my gosh, somebody just died in my face. That's so fucking sad. My first thought, well, you died in the scooter, nigga. That's gay. That's just. That's the gayest way to go out, nigga. Imagine you with your homeboy with all your dogs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somebody come to back.

[Cam Patterson]

I can tell you how you finna die. And it's three of them, right? He go, you gonna die at 97 with your whole family around. And he go, the other guy, he go, you gonna die at 74 by yourself? Cause you a bitch, right? And he get to the last guy, he said, you gonna die at 32 on a scooter. Well, I'll tell you that. I began,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that's fun. I don't know how you do it, man.

[Enrique Chacone]

What's up, folk? Nigga, you good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Look at this. Let's go. Cam Patterson, Tucker Carlson. High five. And this is crazy.

[Cam Patterson]

My grandma hates you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She doesn't mean it. Yeah, the f. She does. Yes, she does. She can't stand your ass, dog. She can't stand dad.

[Cam Patterson]

Dude, this is great, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. This is great.

[Cam Patterson]

She gonna love this shit, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

This is beautiful, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

When I see y', all, like, they go, my grandma up right now. I'm gonna talk to his ass. Yeah, that's dope, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I love it, Cam. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. That is too funny. Unbelievable. I don't even know where to begin with that.

[Cam Patterson]

What else we gonna talk about, baby?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. So is this your guys's first time seeing Cam? No, I've seen it a couple times. Yeah. Very, very amazing. Always consistent. I love this bird scooter thing. This happened.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, he died in front of creek in the cave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Wow. Normally the people die on stage there, not right out front. That's incredible. Yeah, it was crazy, bro. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm traumatized.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what. What was it? He get hit by a car?

[Cam Patterson]

He got hit by a car at a crosswalk. When he flew to the. To the creek. That's how hard he got hit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn, that's. That's at least 30ft or so.

[Cam Patterson]

He got up, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The car was going like 100 miles an hour.

[Cam Patterson]

But let's think about it, though. Like, he was like a kill. Tony F. He be like, damn, he talk about me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You feel cool.

[Cam Patterson]

Dead ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. Did you get a look at him? What did he look like?

[Cam Patterson]

He black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was black, yeah. Oh, my goodness.

[Cam Patterson]

His other homeboy lost a foot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His other homeboy lost somebody else.

[Cam Patterson]

Got healed white and he got lost. He lost a foot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His homeboy was on a scooter, too. Was on a scooter and one lost a foot and they were bowling.

[Cam Patterson]

They hit a scrip. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. This is the kind of bowling that Tucker absolutely loves. I love.

[Cam Patterson]

One of them was white. One of them was white.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Cans out here going viral again. Oh, my God. So the one. The one. Good, Jim, Go ahead.

[Jim Norton]

Who's the white guy? I'm hoping it's one in the car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Cam Patterson]

Tucker. It wasn't. He got hit. His foot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

His foot going. Well, that. That would make him the fourth most deformed person on the show tonight. That's incredible.

[Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So was the black guy alive at all, or was he, like, inside?

[Cam Patterson]

So I got that kind of after. But they had. He was on the ground and you could see him through, like, the door. And what I heard was they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They.

[Cam Patterson]

They put him in the ambulance, and then he just died. So they put him back on the ground, which is kind of. Oh, it's kind of up when you think about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Cam Patterson]

But yeah, so he was just. He was just gone. He's like right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he was inside of the ambulance. He died, and they put him.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm pretty sure he just died on the street.

[William Montgomery]

Street.

[Cam Patterson]

And they're like, they just put them back. So the torch, you know what I'm saying? The court get them and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, it's pretty up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that is up. Yeah, they definitely don't do that with white people. There's no way. There's no chance. They would have to take them in the ambulance. There's no. We're gonna put this back where we found it with.

[Cam Patterson]

That pretty up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is up. I don't make the rules. I'm just an observer of society. Cam, what else is going on in your world? Anything else?

[Cam Patterson]

My dad asked me that day. He was like, how the only fans work. So we finna go broke. That's what's gonna happen. Yeah. My dad's 64 years old. He asked how only fans work. He finna lose a lot of money, dog. He was like, so how you find out about the girl? I started. I showed him Twitter and he was like, oh, this is gonna be great. He gonna send a lot of money. OnlyFans. It's gonna be funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. 64 year olds finding out about only fans is the new, like, giving away their credit card information.

[Cam Patterson]

It's over, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, it's over.

[Cam Patterson]

And it's gonna be hard. Cause some of the only fan girls got hard names to spell. Oh, yeah, my dad can't spell for shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, he cannot spell.

[Cam Patterson]

Gonna be tough at all. Stop listening to what I'm saying right now. I'm not making us look great right now. My dad a great spell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He spelled real good. Amazing, Cam. So much goddamn fun. You're a fucking phenom. Every single week. Unbelievable minute. Unbelievable interview. The future has arrived. And his name is Cam Patterson. Fuck yeah. All right, we're having fun. You guys having fun out there? Make some noise. Your next bucket poll. 60 seconds from Tina Yukana, everybody. Tina Yukana. Hell yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

Hi, I'm Tina.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm from Chicago.

[Tina Yukana]

And you know, I love coming to Texas, though. Like, this is one of my favorite places to visit. Like, oh my God, Texans know how to party, okay? Like, me and my girl, we go to this honky tonk. The other day, these two cowboys come up to us and they're just like, y' all ladies like guns? And I'm like, fuck yeah. I'm Middle Eastern. I love war. And they're like, y' all wanna go shootin sometime?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'm like, let's go yala la la la la la la.

[Tina Yukana]

Let's go in the alley right now and shoot beer cans. And they're like, wait a second, wait a second. We can't just go shooting anywhere now. Cops are gonna stop us. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. Well, I did see an elementary school down the street. The cops will never stop us there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aw, was that too dark for y'? All?

[Tina Yukana]

Aw.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Tina. Yukana. All right. Am I saying that right? Yukana. Yeah.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I love that that's your real last name. What is that? What's your Kana?

[Tina Yukana]

I'm Assyrian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tina Yukana]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What else are you?

[Lino Rodriguez]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't tell, but Jim Norton's heart is a rock. That's all I'm going off of. I'm just using my special Jim Norton compass to figure out what's going on here.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I am.

[Tina Yukana]

I am getting really sick and tired of getting discriminated against for being transgender because. Especially since I'm not transgender.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, double twist. This is like an M. Night Shyamalan movie. We're all a bunch of assholes for even assuming. Yeah, chokes on us.

[Audrey Michelle]

Us.

[Jim Norton]

I'm about to ask for my money back.

[Tina Yukana]

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Jim.

[Jim Norton]

No, it's okay. All kidding aside, what is the name of your blog?

[Tina Yukana]

Unfortunately, I don't have one, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. What do you do for work, Tina?

[Tina Yukana]

Well, you know, I've been doing standup now for a little bit, and I started running some shows in Chicago. I run an all dark comedy show at Reggie's Rock Club called Haha To Hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

I don't know if you remember me. I've been on the show before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely great. This is a new episode. Yeah. Hell, yeah. So, Chicago, famous for their sausage,

[John Condolick]

but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it turns out they're also famous for their deep dish, Everybody. So you never know what you're gonna get with Tina here. She's laughing. Okay. How long you been doing standup?

[Tina Yukana]

Five years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years. What do you do for fun? You seem like you do have a lot of hobbies. If you were to have a blog, what would it be about?

[Jim Norton]

About?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I like.

[Tina Yukana]

I love music, you know, love. You know, like, punk metal, that kind of stuff. You know, I like going to shows. I cook. I do. I used to run a restaurant, so. I used to be a chef.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Okay.

[Jim Norton]

Can I ask what the tattoos are on your hand? Numbers.

[Tina Yukana]

So, yeah, the hand. The finger tattoos. It's my mom's birthday. It's Halloween, and then the. This is my birthday, St. Patrick's Day, which was yesterday.

[Casey Rocket]

Wow.

[Tina Yukana]

But, yeah, I just knife because I used to be a chef.

[Jim Norton]

Right. Right on the wrist. Good place for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting stuff, Tina, tell us more. What else about you? What kind of guys are you into? Boys? I like everybody.

[Tina Yukana]

I guess I could say I'm pansexual, which means, like frying pan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I used to be a chef. Probably say, if you don't know what

[Tina Yukana]

pansexual means, it means you're a horny ass hoe when anything goes. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, interesting. What's the biggest, wildest thing you ever did that you kind of regretted the next morning? Sexually?

[Tina Yukana]

Well, I was gonna say being on Kill. Tony. No, I'm kidding. I love this. I'm kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I think you have bigger regret than that.

[Enrique Chacone]

No,

[Tina Yukana]

no, la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time I was here, I said

[Tina Yukana]

some nasty things and I'm trying to keep it clean, but. But no, Yeah, I shouldn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, listen to that one. Creep in the darkness. I know, right? Yeah. The only. The only guy here with a deeper voice than you, T. Yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

How do you think my voice got this deep, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, let me guess. A toothbrush. Well, I love it. So Wildest night. No, we're not gonna get that. You got anything for us?

[Tina Yukana]

What was that? I'm sorry, Wildest Night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, you said you're into anything, so I'm like, wondering. Looks like you hooked up with a refrigerator. A couple.

[Tina Yukana]

I'll give you something. I'll give you something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[Tina Yukana]

The first time I went to Nashville, the first night we were there, we had a threesome. So me and. Me and my girl. Yeah, it was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You and your girl had a threesome with a boy?

[Tina Yukana]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tina Yukana]

Yeah, it was a lot of fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that go? Tell us about having a threesome.

[Tina Yukana]

We went. We went to an open mic and, you know. You know, comics are. And yeah, we met desperately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

So, yeah, we went to an open mic and we both saw, like, a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

dude that we thought was cute.

[Tina Yukana]

And then we're like, oh, you should talk to him. You should talk to him. And I'm like, girl, let's just both him and she's. And then she's like, okay. And then, yeah, we did. And it was awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Honestly. Okay.

[Tina Yukana]

His dick was humongous.

[Jim Norton]

Ah. I thought you looked familiar.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Like,

[Tina Yukana]

Surprise, surprise, he was a black guy, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, bacon. So I love it.

[Tyler Gallant]

Ah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Jim Norton]

The last girl was wearing his shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Wow. My goodness.

[Jim Norton]

Can I say that I like that she went dark before with the material. Don't let people talk you out of that. Do what you want to do on stage, and if you want to be dark and crazy, do it. I like that you went to that. They didn't like it, but I like. I like that you did it. And don't let the an audience talked out of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Tina Yukana]

I appreciate that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like a night in Nashville. Crazy and dark.

[Tina Yukana]

Well, I didn't shoot up any schools that time, but whoa, there's always next year, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a different. That was a different shooter. Okay, Tina, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go?

[Tina Yukana]

I mean, just. Yeah, I like having fun. I like having a good time. I love Texas. It really is awesome. Austin is awesome. The comedy here is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

And yeah, this is a great opportunity. So thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got it. Tina Yukona, everybody. Did you get a joke book last time you were on Tina?

[Tina Yukana]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got a big one.

[Tina Yukana]

No, but people said in the comments I should have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah.

[Tina Yukana]

Well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, they're probably gonna say it again. There goes Tina Yukona, everybody. We're gonna keep having fun here tonight. We're flying through it. Coming around that mountain. Another 60 seconds uninterrupted. Coming at you from another bucket pole. Anything can happen. Make some noise for Tyler Gallant, everybody. Tyler Gallant. Here comes Tyler. How we doing? Yeah.

[Tyler Gallant]

You guys like that TikTok ban? Yeah, I don't really care about TikTok. I think it's messing up the new generation. Got all these kids that are getting famous from doing these little dances. Ones I really don't like are getting famous from lip syncing. You seen that? Sometimes you'll see white people on there. They'll be lip syncing songs with the N word in it. Like, that's not good. Is he about to ruin his life on my for you page? Is that what's happening? They don't mouth the N word, though. They do the shush face. Whenever the N word comes on, they do the shush face. That's confusing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

Right.

[Tyler Gallant]

Because don't we just have a whole generation that associates the N word with the shush? That's not good. You just got all these middle schoolers and high schoolers. They're just in school talking to each other. Like, do you guys ever notice the librarian's kind of a racist?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Went to go check out a book.

[Tyler Gallant]

She called me the n word like 42 times. Asked where the history section was, she went, please. I'm Tyler Galant. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tyler Galant. Hell, yeah. A lot of setup there, but a big payoff in the end. I Had no idea where you were going with that. You got me. Thank you. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand up?

[Tyler Gallant]

About two years now. Whereas I came from Knoxville, I just moved here about six weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tennessee. Yeah. Yeah. You ever go to some open mics in Nashville? I did, yeah. Yeah. You ever pull out your black cock?

[Tyler Gallant]

Yeah, not lately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love it. Jim, what'd you think about that?

[Jim Norton]

I thought the. The misdirection of not knowing where you're going to go is shush. I was like, wow, this is a great bomb. And you pulled it into a really, really good joke and you tagged it very, very good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Jim Norton]

Didn't see where going. And it was really. You set it up to look like it was about to tank, and you pulled it out beautifully. Nice job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really was. It was a work of art. You disguised it so well. The only person that saw it coming was D Madness, actually, which is crazy. Tyler, what do you do for work?

[Tyler Gallant]

I do consulting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

On what?

[Tyler Gallant]

It stuff. It's not.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. What do you do for fun?

[Tyler Gallant]

I do, you know, I do comedy. Do a lot of comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Other than comedy.

[Tyler Gallant]

Hang out with my girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been with her?

[Tyler Gallant]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does she do?

[Tyler Gallant]

She does. She works with bodies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What does she do with bodies? She.

[Tyler Gallant]

She does. She's an anthropologist, Forensic anthropologist. So she, like, helps identify people that did not make it across the border. So it's. Yeah, it's pretty cool. It's cooler than what I do.

[Jim Norton]

So this is like a big, booming business time for her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Wow.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

Millions of potential clients.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Yeah.

[Tyler Gallant]

It's not going to slow down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Right. Very, very busy.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And she lives in Knoxville with you?

[Tyler Gallant]

She was. Yeah, she.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She.

[Tyler Gallant]

She moved out here before I did. I moved in with her just about six weeks ago. San Marco Marcos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. San Marcos. Lovely. You've been around. You get to see some of it yet? Yeah, yeah. Float down the river yet? Yeah, yeah.

[Tyler Gallant]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You love it?

[Tyler Gallant]

Yeah, I do. I do. I love Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is unbelievable here. The river is. I mean, it's just incredible. You know, we had a river in la. You remember the LA River? That sewage pipe? Yeah. Homeless bath is made of cement. We. That's what we always thought rivers were until we came here. Yeah. Incredible.

[Jim Norton]

Can I ask what kind of person she is? A forensic anthropologist. Such a dark job. Like, does she have a, like, you know, cops have, like, that gallows humor? Does she have that gallows humor?

[John Condolick]

Yeah, she's.

[Tyler Gallant]

Yeah, I'm kind of dark. So she. Yeah, she. She keeps up.

[Jim Norton]

She likes that shush joke, doesn't she?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she does.

[Tyler Gallant]

She hates most of my material, but that one.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah, she's smart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, she.

[Tyler Gallant]

She's way smarter than. Than me. She's much smarter than me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing, Tyler. So fun. What do you. What do you do other than standup comedy? Like, any special skills or talents or anything like that?

[Tyler Gallant]

Dude, I'm really good at pingpong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Tyler Gallant]

I can't prove that right here, but I'm very good at pingpong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pingpong and IT consulting. Are you secretly Asian?

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tyler Gallant]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's absolutely unbelievable.

[Jim Norton]

Sounds like a girl I met in the Philippines.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Philippines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think ping pong once tried to cancel me for a joke, if I remember correctly.

[Tyler Gallant]

I remember that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't remember his name exactly. Yeah. All right, Tyler, what scares you? What are you afraid of? Oh, man.

[Tyler Gallant]

I don't like. There's cocaine sharks now. I don't like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cocaine sharks, are you talking about. No, no. What do you mean, cocaine sharks? This. Oh, yeah. They can't swim. Why would they be sharks? That's right.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That one might be edited out. I'm kidding. It won't be. They love it when I leave stuff in that I say is going to be edited out. What do you mean? Cocaine sharks.

[Tyler Gallant]

People smuggling drugs into the country. If they're about to get caught and they're in the sea, they throw it out and. And then apparently sharks have been eating it, so that's not cool. Yeah, that's scary.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So people. Wait, what? It's a real issue.

[Tyler Gallant]

Traffickers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a real thing. Yeah, sharks. They're eating cocaine. They are.

[Tyler Gallant]

It's scary. We got to do something about it.

[Cam Patterson]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're annoying to hang out with. Wasn't this the. Wasn't this a movie on FX at some point? Cocaine Bear? No, that was Cocaine Bear. That's a true story, too, I thought. Yeah, yeah. I thought this is how Sharknado started or something like that. I'm getting. I'm all confused right now.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the sharks eat cocaine. Does that change their behavior? Do you know about this?

[Tyler Gallant]

I. No, I don't. I haven't run into one yet. I'm. I'm waiting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Jim Norton]

They swim a lot and their dicks get smaller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can't stop talking. Do a lot of chewing.

[Tyler Gallant]

Those straws are being repurposed is what I'm saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well. Tyler Redban, what's the longest set you've ever done?

[Tyler Gallant]

I've done 2020.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Thank you so much.

[Tyler Gallant]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We don't realize. Six weeks into his stay here in Texas, and he's already getting booked in the heart of Austin, Texas. There he goes. Oh, and here, take one of these. It's a big one. Tyler Galant. Boom. Yeah. All right, we're coming around the corner here. We're almost there. Make thanks Moiser. Your final bucket poll of the night. John Moore, everybody. John Moore, everyone. Thank you.

[Redban]

Hey, guys, how's it going? Good crowd. All right. So I was in the army for a while. When I was overseas, I served with a Frenchman who stepped on an IED and lost all four of his limbs. I call him Napoleon Blown apart.

[Audrey Michelle]

It's all right.

[Redban]

You can laugh. He's got a good sense of humor about it. The only thing he doesn't like about this joke is being called French because he's American. He's like, don't do that part of the joke anymore. It's very offensive. He's very successful now. He tours the country. He's a motivational speaker, speaks to large crowds. Probably has more stage time than me and the rest of these comics put together, but at least we're all put together, you know what I'm saying? Did you guys know that when a small animal is about to die,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it

[Redban]

will try to wriggle out of my grasp?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Redban]

My name's Jim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John. John Moore. Welcome to the show, John.

[Redban]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time here, Correct.

[Redban]

This is my second time here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long ago were you on?

[Redban]

About three years. Joe was. Joe was on the panel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Redban]

Yeah, I bombed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This was better, huh?

[Redban]

Much better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been working hard at it.

[Redban]

Yeah, I did the same joke. As a matter of fact, I just kind of revamped it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You made it better? Better?

[Redban]

I don't know. Did I make it better?

[Mark Welborne]

No one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one remembers from three years ago. I don't even remember.

[William Montgomery]

It was horrible.

[Redban]

It could not have been worse, I'll tell you that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it the blown apart part?

[Redban]

I didn't have any of the tags. I tried to do one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I tried to do that. Neither did he. Okay, go ahead.

[Redban]

I tried to do that joke, but none of the tags. None of the punch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Yeah. Okay.

[Jim Norton]

And you guys. And you really do know a guy in the military who that happened to, too.

[Redban]

True story. Yeah, he's. He's one of Gary s. He's like, we're Gary Sise. They've got a whole camp up in, in Maine. I don't know. Do we have any quadruple amputees in here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gary, Gary Sise runs a foundation where they take care of people that because he was Lieutenant Dan, I, I, I

[Redban]

may, I don't know if that's the connection but yeah, he's involved with like wounded warrior.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like I mean what are the, what are the odds of that? That's incredible. Incredible.

[Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wonder if Tom Hanks does that. We had a guy up here a second ago that loves ping pong. Be great if there was. Okay.

[Redban]

We don't, we don't hear, you know, John.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what, where did you go when you were in the army?

[Redban]

Afghanistan. 0708.

[Tyler Gallant]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

Do you meet any women over there?

[Redban]

Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean not really?

[Redban]

Well, like you get your hair cut every once in a while, but that's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

about, they have Afghani hair stylists out there. What do they do, just wrap a towel around your head? Yeah.

[Jim Norton]

And they cut the neck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. What do they do? Just fly the scissors into your hair like that. Okay, John, very interesting. What do you do for work now?

[Redban]

I'm an analyst.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you analyzing?

[Redban]

I'm a data analyst for DHL actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh wow.

[Redban]

I wore my work shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Yeah. All right, John, what else, what else are you into? What do you do for fun? You know, comedy.

[Redban]

I got a son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How's your son?

[Redban]

He's seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven. And you're the father? Like, I mean like you stay. Biologically, yes, but are you in the kids life?

[Redban]

Oh yeah, yeah, I have him, I have him 50% of the time. He was born premature.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh. DHL with another fast delivery. Wow. Came early. But honey, the package I've been waiting for came early.

[Redban]

Yeah, coincidentally it's the same way he was conceived actually. But I'm told there's no connection between those things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? You came prematurely and the baby came prematurely.

[Jim Norton]

Are you friends with the ex? Do you get along with the ex?

[Tyler Gallant]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Holding on to that 50% right now, holding on strong.

[Redban]

We could we co parent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. So you live here?

[Redban]

I live in Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And the baby, the seven year old lives in Dallas.

[Jim Norton]

Oh yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And the ex?

[Redban]

I took him to Disneyland this week actually for spring break.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh wow. You told him someplace in Dallas was Disneyland the state fair. Okay, so you went to la, you went to Disneyland. How did that go?

[Redban]

It was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Magical. Have you been to Disneyland before?

[Redban]

Yeah, when I was a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What did you notice is different about Disneyland?

[Redban]

Well, I just noticed that it's very like artificial, right? Like it's. It's kind of like addiction. Like, you know, you get like. They call it magical, but it's really more like intoxicating, you know, because you get like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there you go. Turns out you ran out of time there. Unbelievable, John. Thank you.

[Jim Norton]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jim Norton]

Don't blow the illusion of Disney.

[Tina Yukana]

What?

[Audrey Michelle]

Jim?

[Jim Norton]

Don't blow the illusion of Disney. Yeah, I mean, what are you gonna tell me? They're in costumes.

[Redban]

We saw Jack. Jack Sparrow, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, that's it.

[Jim Norton]

Did his ex wife shit on the bed?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did the last time I was here. There you go. All right, John. Well, congratulations. How old are you?

[Redban]

Thanks. I'm 40.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

40. And how long ago did you start stand up?

[Redban]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years. And how does it feel? Have you been getting a lot of spots in you working in Dallas? I got some spots, yep.

[Redban]

I'm doing some time at Dallas Comedy Club. Hyenas is kind of hit or miss, but yeah, I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're happy. You're happy you're doing this? It excites you?

[Redban]

Yeah, I love it. I came down here to get out of the routine, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What's the worst set you've ever had in Dallas? How did that go down?

[Redban]

Worst set I've ever had was. Was absolutely the one that I had here the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. You know what? We're gonna play that. We're gonna play that right now.

[Redban]

Right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But. And here we go. What is up?

[Redban]

I'm actually just looking for the bathroom. Could you guys point me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me?

[Redban]

I really was gonna go to the bathroom and I'm glad I did not. So I'm here with some friends from Dallas. Gonna talk about my buddy that I was in the army with. This guy is a legend. You guys may have heard of him. I'm not gonna use his name, but he does a. He's got a foundation with Gary Sinise. He has earned a lot of money. Great guy and hysterical guy. Only reason I bring him up, one of the funniest guys I've ever met, right? This guy. When we were in service, he huge 67260. Stepped on an IED and lost all four of his limbs. Yeah, I do not tell jokes about this guy for obvious fucking reasons. I had one serious question about his dick. He got his wife pregnant. So that question has been answered. And truth be told, like I said, he's very funny. He's got a ton of stage time, more Stage time than all of the me and the other comics put together. But at least we're all put together, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus fucking Christ, John. What the fuck? My God, you just came up and told a story about your funnier friend. Why didn't you let him sign up? We would have loved to have a fucking funny guy with no limbs up here while you're up here telling these sad stories. How many of you think it should have been him that gotten blown up in the army, huh? Yeah. Yeah. How about that, John? How about that?

[Redban]

I deserve that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You knew you had one minute.

[Redban]

I, I, I did not. I did not. Yeah, that's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then, and now we're back, so you guys got to see how bad it was. So we're going to put your set in there just so that people know how terrible it was. Yeah, it was not.

[Redban]

It was worse than that, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The good news is, is we only have about a million more listeners than we had three years ago. Very excited, exciting. Now everyone's going to know.

[Redban]

I'll take it.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Well, John, congratulations. Here's a little joke book. There he goes. John Moore, ladies and gentlemen. All right, We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen. There's only one guy with a, with the chops to be able to put a ribbon on this thing. You guys know him, you love him. The freak of nature himself. The Kill Tony hall of Famer. The record holder for all time sailor sets and interviews. Absolutely Killing it. Headlining all over the country. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. The Tijuana Tarantula. The Virginia Villager. The one and only William. Lights Out Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Backstage, Tucker actually asked me if I could tell some jokes in Russian. But seriously, Tucker, my family has always worshiped you. It's awesome that you came down from heaven to do kilto. Winona Judd is here. Winona Judd once performed during the super bowl halftime show. Meanwhile, Red Band was a ring girl for BattleBots.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking pussy.

[William Montgomery]

Biden recently had his State of the Union address and said better things about Ukraine than the United States. Which actually makes sense because the United States doesn't have a video of Hunter Biden fucking a dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I learned that one from you, Toku.

[William Montgomery]

I'm gonna get in a time machine and meet the first alcoholic. At what point were they like, somebody take the keys to his horse? Last week, a Boeing whistleblower was found dead in his car prior to testify. Wait, did he work for Boeing or Hillary Clinton Airlines? Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. My God, he's done it again. He's done it more than anyone else has ever done it. And yet it continues. The force of nature.

[Band Member / Announcer]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never fucking stopping. That's right. We want this to go on forever. It's a match made in heaven. William Montgomery. And kill Tony. What an unstoppable machine we are. Absolutely. Like you said, your family, the opposite of Cam Patterson's grandmother. They love Tucker Carlson. How does it feel to be here in front of Tucker, Joe and Jim?

[William Montgomery]

It really is a treat. Tucker, I genuinely have to ask you, did that one guy suck Obama's dick?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did that actually happen? Holy. I have the answer. And let me say, I don't judge, but. Oh, yeah,

[William Montgomery]

I've been wondering that. Honestly, that's been something that I've been wondering.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He told me off camera. I actually did that. I was like, g. But he did. He did. Cool.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not, not, not kidding at all. Unbelievable. The question everyone wanted to ask, Tucker, and it has been answered here on kil. Tony, the look on Joe Rogan's face says it all.

[Jim Norton]

You should have brought him with you. It could have all got blown.

[William Montgomery]

Wait, do what? I honestly didn't hear you.

[Jim Norton]

Oh, no, I was just talking about the guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[William Montgomery]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, William, Ladies and gentlemen. William. What else has been going on this week?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, man, it has been a lot of the all brand buds. I got into a new video game called Contra, which has been a bunch of fun. It's been taking up a lot of my time, but I have been literally catching people. Tony, I. Tucker, I like to look out of my windows of the apartment where I live and I find people doing wrong stuff out there. And Tony, literally before I got here tonight, there's a homeless guy jumping the fucking fence into the property of the apartments. And Tony, I'm not necessarily proud of this, but I went down there with a big. I recently got some big steel pants and I swear to God, I went up to this fucking dude, Tony, and I hit him so hard in the fucking head. And he was literally just laying there. And then it's. I gotta get here. So I don't really know what happened.

[Jim Norton]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Tucker, I have this really weird problem in Spokane. I got two of these homeless people there. They're just. There's too many of them. And I've been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many homeless have you killed? Great question.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I have been at least, I would say around 17 different, theoretically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that was a good one right there.

[Enrique Chacone]

What was that?

[William Montgomery]

What was that funny noise? I'm talking about murdering people, you dumbass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that?

[William Montgomery]

No, literally, right there. What was that? What does that stupid thing say that you're in?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's called comm bonk. Yeah, Kapow.

[William Montgomery]

But, yeah, no, it's a lot of fun. And then I'm going to. Going to Tacoma this weekend, Tony. We'll see how it goes. They're adding a third show on Saturday. Thank you to anybody who's ever bought a ticket to come see me. I greatly appreciate it. But, yeah, adding a third show Saturday. So we'll see how it goes, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else, William? What else is. We get very excited here, William. What else do you want to plug? What else is going on?

[William Montgomery]

It was just sweet little Gator's birthday last week. Very exciting. We got her a little ice cream cone dog treat, and she will not eat it. And she starts yapping at me when I get close to it. So now that's a big nightmare. So I've been playing a bunch of video games, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, love.

[William Montgomery]

Was that funny When I'm kind of messing up. I mean, I'm having a pretty good setup here other than that one point. Did you really think that was pretty funny, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, bro. Come on. What? I can hear you, dumbass.

[John Condolick]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, William, we have some really good news for you. There's another red machine here that wants to come back out and so why don't you stay up on stage? Ladies and gentlemen, I present you Grammy award winning artist, one of the greatest rock stars of all time. Make some noise for Wiona Judd, everybody. The real Wiona Judd, ladies and gentlemen. 19 number one hits. Grammy Award winning. Look at these two beautiful red machines. Give her that. Give her the microphone, William. Oh. Shots are coming out with Winona Judd. This is how you know you're dealing with a country music artist. What happened? What did I miss there?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, you're trying to get me to drink alcohol, you stupid bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And maybe this would be a good

[William Montgomery]

time to show your titties, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about a hand for the great Winona Judd, everybody coming out here, getting us liquored up, being part of the goddamn festivities.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Drink?

[William Montgomery]

I can't drink. Cocaine problems.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy, that's a. That's a spicy treat. Wiona, why don't you grab a microphone, say hello to these people. Say hi to the. The listeners up here.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been having fun.

[Tina Yukana]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. Why? Nona, you've been watching the show from up on the balcony. What was the highlight of the show so far for you? Tonight, all the cussing. Oh, yeah. You never could cuss, ever. My mother said no.

[Audrey Michelle]

So when I hear you cuss, I'm like, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Yeah, that is true. I cuss a lot. And we cuss a lot on this. And liquid death.

[Audrey Michelle]

1.4 billion dollar company selling water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. What is wrong with this country? Yeah. I love this. Keep going, baby. Keep going. Just let the free flow happen. Joe, do you know who I am? Yeah. Okay, good. Let's talk. Call me. Me. Oh, I love it. W. I mean, unbelievable.

[Cam Patterson]

I think I'm going to do a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

podcast with W. Judy. You definitely are. Let me tell you, we were hanging out before the show. That is indeed one of the baddest I've ever met in my life. She is cool as Tony.

[William Montgomery]

I heard her just fall back there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, she didn't. Stop it, man.

[Band Member / Announcer]

That bit's old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, William, stay up here for one more beat, cuz we have one last special treat here. Believe it or not, we have a. We have a guy that did a Kill Tony rap on the Internet a month or so ago. We found him. He said he's a super fan of the show. Show. I said, why don't you come on out and if you make it here, I'll put you on the list and we'll have you perform this song live with one of the coolest Kill Tony raps I've ever heard in my life. 11 years doing this show. I'd like to present to you the stylings of Asthmatic. Everybody here's Asthmatic. Sometimes we have rappers on this show. This guy actually does it. You guys hear me? All right, look. Yeah, yeah, check it, yo. Yeah.

[Band Member / Announcer]

Let me tell you about my favorite show. It comes on Monday night. I don't stay up late, so Tuesday morning brings delight. It's Kill Tony. Never seen it. Then you owe me. It's an open mic where a minute feels awfully lonely. Yeah, Tony Hinchcliffe is him. The grim Slim Jim. Every show opens with this guy, Hans Kim. I'll admit it, he's a hit or miss Never quick to dismiss, sometimes lacks punch lines, keeps a funny premise. Bitch twitch like a Martin Phillips. I don't get it. He's a favorite But William Montgomery is the illest. Never miss an episode, ain't never gonna stop Consume it the way David Lucas drinks pop that's all day down the hallway, so don't look. If you bomb, then you're gonna get a little joke book Use it. Write jokes with the sharpened pencil. Cam Patterson has the most potential he's elite as long as his minute don't repeat Goin by a rock from the man off the streets Pull the pick of Grimace out my pocket Casey Rocket never made it as a wise man so I'll stop it A profit in the making show dirt go and dig it I want to see it live but I can never get a ticket what the. Red Man. I don't understand. I chuck screwball to see the best band in the land.

[Enrique Chacone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Asthmatic. Ladies and gentlemen, Azmatic. Follow him on Instagram, social media, Asmatic.

[Redban]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for the goddamn goat. William Montgomery. Keep it going. Let's see. Let's see how loud this place can get for Jim Norton, Joe Rogan, Tucker motherfucking Carlson. And the best Sam band in the land. Raul Vallejo. Carlos Sosa. Michael. Michael Gonzalez. Matt Muling. The madness. Unbelievable drawing from Ryan. Je Belt is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. What the. What is that? Wait, I know. I'm the donkey there or whatever that is.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Who's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's that? Who's that guy? Who? Joe Biden. Wait, what? Well, who's the thing standing up? What? Richard Simmons? Casey Rocket. I don't recognize Casey without his ball cap on. I'm sorry, Chris. That's Joe Biden and Casey Rocket. Okay, all right. Why does Joe Biden look exactly like me? Am I the only one seeing that? That. All right. Great smile on Joe Biden. We did it. That's Chris Rogers art. Amazing local artist. Thank you to game time. Skylight frame. DraftKings. Red rose, yellow rose Gel blaster. Tucker Carlson. I gotta tell you, I've been a huge fan forever. This is so surreal having you here. I. I didn't expect to be here. Amazing. Amazing. Doing that Post Malone spot that you find out behind the curtain. And that's all because of the great Joe Rogan. My best pal in the world. So much fun. How about a hand for him in the mothership, huh? Number one comedy club on planet Earth. Thank you so much, Jim Norton, for joining the show again. Red Band. Check out the Joe Rogan experience now on YouTube, guys. Check it out for sure. He's back on YouTube. Very excited. Exciting stuff. Back everywhere. One more time for Asmatic. Thank you guys so much. We love you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Lino Rodriguez]

Sa.