#660 - ELAINE + IAN EDWARDS

Summary

KILL TONY #660 SUMMARY

Podcast: Kill Tony
Episode: #660 – Elaine + Ian Edwards
Date: April 23, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-Host: Brian Redban
Panelists: Elaine (first-time on any podcast, 50-year comedy veteran), Ian Edwards (comedy legend, Comedy Store staple)
Regulars: Casey Rocket, Cam Patterson, Hans Kim, William Montgomery

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OVERVIEW

Episode #660 of Kill Tony is a quintessential rollercoaster night at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, blending veteran wit, first-time nerves, and the show's trademark roast/interview chaos. The show features the sharp-tongued Elaine (making her podcast debut after 50 years in stand-up) and the steady presence of Ian Edwards, with standout regulars like Casey Rocket, Cam Patterson, Hans Kim, and William Montgomery. The episode oscillates between aspiring comedians’ 60-second sets and brutally honest, hilarious panel interviews.

Themes for the night:

• The nature of bombing, recovery, and honesty in comedy
• Age, experience, and generational differences in the scene
• A lot of riffing on eccentric interview moments, sex jokes, and race
• Self-deprecation and crowd work as survival tools

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KEY HIGHLIGHTS & DISCUSSION POINTS

1. PANEL INTRODUCTIONS AND GUEST ENERGY (02:40–06:16)

• Tony introduces Elaine, 74, as a new favorite after a chance encounter and night of drinking: “She is one of my new favorite comedians in the world…her first time ever on a podcast. Elaine, everyone!”
• Elaine’s comedic persona is instantly apparent: “I used to work in a massage parlor. Red Band would come in with his dick already out and let's just say he thinks the butthole's the G spot. Hit me.” (04:53)
• Ian Edwards immediately teases Elaine: “Sitting next to Elaine, I can smell how old she is.” (04:28)

2. REGULAR SET: CASEY ROCKET (08:43–12:19)

• Casey delivers a wild, kinetic minute about coal mining music and drug flashbacks.
• Classic Rocket physicality: “I squeezed too hard” — with bits about bodily contortions, lead keys, and odd flashbacks.
• Elaine jumps right into the show’s raunchy spirit: “You remind me of one of my grandson's friends. His name's Craig. And he also was missing some teeth. And he also titty-fucked me upon meeting me. So play your cards right, Casey.” (11:32)

Notable Banter (w/ Timestamps)

• [12:19] Tony: “He is a squiggler.”
• [12:38] Casey (on being sober): “Been sober for many years. Yeah.”
• [12:44] Ian: “Motherfucker's the human form of Adderall.”

3. BUCKET COMIC: LINO RODRIGUEZ (14:51–32:13)

• Standout moment of the night: Lino, a Puerto Rican door guy, delivers a one-minute set about pizza, cigarettes, Catholic priests, and Tyler Perry's fictional "Madea Goes to Palestine."
• The interview quickly turns to personal tragedy and divorce: Lino reveals his father was killed with a baseball bat and that he endured a short, toxic marriage after meeting his wife at a comedy show.
• The panel tries repeatedly to pull real stories from him, with Tony exasperated at Lino’s lack of interview instinct: "Such interesting things about you, yet it's such a terrible interview." (31:44)

Notable Quotes

• [17:02] Elaine (about the priest joke): “Now, you had some stuff about fucking kids in the middle that really piqued my interest, because that's a real issue facing our country.”
• [20:49] Lino: “He got merked with a baseball bat. He... got beat up by a couple of guys, but one of them had a bat.”
• [24:11] Lino: “I got married and divorced last year.”
• [26:28] Tony: “It blew up toxic. How? What? Come on. Give us an example of the toxicity of your city.”
• [27:22] Lino: “...cleaning the house, getting ready for her to come back for the trip, and I checked her location... and said she's three minutes down the road in Texas… she was there with someone I knew.”
• [31:44] Tony: “Such interesting things about you, yet it's such a terrible interview. It's absol.”

4. RAPID COMIC & INTERVIEW SEQUENCE

Several bucket comics follow, each getting a 60-second set followed by a panel roast/interview. Notable moments include:

Jerry Carlin – The Socially Withdrawn Newbie (32:45–42:44)

• Deadpan, precise one-liners: “A sex worker bit my dick once, so it was half off.”
• Interview reveals he is socially isolated, lives with parents, eats alone: “I’m a huge TV fan. I don’t talk to people.” (38:50)
• Standout quote — Ian, re: white youth: “What the fuck is going on with white kids?” (42:02)

Heath Cordes – Golden Ticket Winner (43:27–52:41)

• Wild, eccentric personal energy; reveals he missed a flight and made Tony fear he’d killed himself during a recent theater weekend.
• Heath: “You are the first person I do Believe I've ever worked with that slept in on flights. But you know what? At the end of the day, you doing it kind of adorable.” (50:23)

Andrew Ginsburg – The New York Bomb (53:10–66:40)

• Classic NYC-style set bombs, triggering a 10-minute roast.
• Tony and Elaine dig into his excuses ("I'm allergic to the pollen in Austin"). Panel repeatedly forces him to do "best jokes" and gives meta commentary on NYC comedy clichés (double handling the mic, apologizing).
• “The only way you can save the rest of your time up here is if your dad got killed by a bunch of baseball bats.” – Ian Edwards [56:06]
• Elaine: “Take some Claritin, you Jew.” [58:07]

Matt Sturm – Connecticut/New York Comedian (67:37–73:17)

• Quick banter about bombing, employment woes, recognizing fellow comic Ginsburg from the East Coast scene, but also flounders when asked for his "best" material.

5. HIGHLIGHT: REGULARS ALWAYS KILL

Cam Patterson (74:38–79:57)

• Delivers a tight, fresh minute on traveling to Utah and perspective as a black comedian.
• Panel jokes about serial killers, ‘not talking to anybody’, Cam’s early career, and big laughs for Cam’s delivery and comedic focus:
  “Them last niggas was terrible, dog.” (74:38)

Hans Kim Return (92:02–100:03)

• Hans makes a triumphant return with new jokes about Texas, nudes, and accidentally hooking up with a 68-year-old woman.
• Elaine prompts a revealing moment: “What’s the oldest chick you’ve been with?” Hans: “Probably like 68.” (96:13)
• Detailed, hilariously awkward recounting of the hookup and techniques involved (98:03).

William Montgomery Closer (119:55–126:40)

• Closes the show strong with signature absurdity: “As a defense attorney, I must advise that admitting to shooting the sheriff, but then claiming you didn't shoot the deputy is a bad legal defense.”
• Relives an exterminator struggle with a dead squirrel, attacks fellow comics, and triggers a panel roasting crescendo.

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MEMORABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS

• Tony Hinchcliffe (on the first comic): “Slow start and a sluggish ending, but the middle was amazing.” (16:05)
• Elaine (to Casey Rocket): “You remind me of one of my grandson's friends. And he titty-fucked me upon meeting me.” (11:32)
• Ian Edwards: “You take any substances?” (About Casey Rocket’s hyper energy) (12:33)
• Tony (after Lino’s tragic story): “You have such interesting things about you, yet it's such a terrible interview.” (31:44)
• Ian (about Ginsburg): “If I ever hear you tell some about your pollen allergies...Everyone that booed you were on point.” (58:48)
• Elaine (to failing comic): “Take some Claritin, you Jew. I could say that. I went to a Bar Mitzvah 20 years ago.” (58:07)
• William Montgomery: “He was a stupid fucking Latina woman, which—the details don’t matter—but she was a stupid fat bitch and I would catch her stupid fucking ass. … she would be sleeping in the break room and I would take pictures of the security camera and she would get mad.” (124:04)
• “News flash, this ain’t Gatorade!” – Elaine riff, after being challenged to rap battle (51:52)
• Tony (on interviewing Jerry Carlin): “This whole not talking to anybody thing… Has this always been a thing of yours?” (39:57)
• Ian (on the panel as a “senior African American correspondent”): Recurring banter, especially on matters of race and social dynamics (for example, [108:02]).

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GUEST & REGULAR DYNAMICS

• The chemistry between Elaine and Ian is immediate and electric—Elaine jumps into the show’s aggressive ribbing, launching titty-fuck riffs and age jokes in nearly every interview.
• Ian Edwards provides dry, seasoned commentary and continually calls out underperforming comics and regional comedy stereotypes.
• Tony alternates between playful encouragement, expert roastmaster, and exasperated interviewer—never letting a weak answer go unpunished.
• Elaine seizes repeated opportunities to roast comics, panelists, and herself, quickly endearing herself to the panel and audience.

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SEGMENT TIMESTAMPS (Select Highlights)

• 08:43 – 12:19: Casey Rocket regular set; ensuing Q&A on sobriety and energy
• 14:51 – 32:13: Lino Rodriguez bucket set; detailed interview on personal tragedy and marital mishaps
• 32:45 – 42:44: Jerry Carlin bucket set; deep dive into social withdrawal and imagination
• 43:27 – 52:41: Heath Cordes check-in; missed flights and life as a door guy
• 53:10 – 66:40: Andrew Ginsberg struggle set; pollen and repetitive New York-style apology humor
• 67:37 – 73:17: Matt Sturm flounders; peer recognition from the NY comedy scene
• 74:38 – 79:57: Cam Patterson crushes with a Utah travel story; panel comments on true-crime energy
• 92:02 – 100:03: Hans Kim’s return; 68-year-old hookup story
• 119:55 – 126:40: William Montgomery closing segment; wild exterminator riff and George Floyd joke
• 109:41 – 118:18: Kelly Quinn, the "real" lady comic of the night; daytime classic rock persona and crowd-surf neck injury story
• 128:39 – END: Elaine's written jokes and closing roast

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TONE & STYLE

• Language is raw, unfiltered, and frequently pushes boundaries. Elaine matches the aggressive, raucous panel energy with crass jokes and age/sex references.
• The show bounces between sincere curiosity and relentless roasting—no one, comics or panelists, are safe from ridicule.
• Audience is engaged and vocally responsive throughout, and the musicians join in on jokes and side commentary, adding to the variety show feel.

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CONCLUSION

This episode of Kill Tony offers a tour-de-force in live, unfiltered comedy podcasting: decades of stage experience (Elaine, Ian) meet the unpredictable fervor of amateurs and rising stars, punctuated by regulars who consistently reset the bar. The mix of real-life pain, shamelessly inept interviews, and deft professional punchlines—plus the seamless banter between Tony, Elaine, and Ian—make for an unpredictably hilarious episode that embodies everything the show promises.

For fans of roast-style comedy, behind-the-scenes grit, and unpredictable moments, this is a standout Kill Tony.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• “You remind me of one of my grandson's friends. And he also titty-fucked me upon meeting me.” – Elaine (11:32)
• “Motherfucker's the human form of Adderall.” – Ian Edwards (12:44)
• “If I ever hear you tell some about your pollen allergies... Everyone that booed you were on point.” – Ian Edwards (58:48)
• “You have such interesting things about you, yet it's such a terrible interview.” – Tony Hinchcliffe (31:44)
• “Take some Claritin, you Jew.” – Elaine (58:07)

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For Full Segment Structure & Future Reference, See TIMESTAMPS Above.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Head Square. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Mikuna Kara band, everybody. Hey, we're here. You made it, mama. We made it. Here at the number one live podcast in in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by some amazing sponsors. Yoni, I didn't get that. I didn't get the three that I had to write down. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, huh? On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Nick Lewis joining us on the bass or as I call him, C Madness because he can see Matt Muhling on the electric guitar and our dear band leader, the great and powerful John Dees on the keys. Who wrangles these people, finds the best musicians in this city for us to play with. So much fun, truly. I always say this, but I fucking mean it. An action packed show loaded up and ready to go tonight. Some very special appearances by very special people. It's all going to go down all at once. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[C]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin,

[A]

Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well. This is one of those nights that will, I believe, live in KITCHILL Tony history. Two unbelievable comedians. One of them I've been working with continuously for 17 years. A legend of the comedy Store. One I just found here a few days ago randomly. She was performing in the Little boy and I saw her set and I fell in love. We ended up drinking together all night and she is one of my new favorite comedians in the world. This is her first time on panel at Kill Tony. I do believe her first time ever on a podcast. So here are our guests. Make some noise for two of the greats, Elaine and Ian Edwards, everybody. Elaine and Ian Edwards. There's Elaine. Make some noise for Elaine. Her first time on the show. Oh, a nail just fell off a nail. You lost a nail, Elaine. There you go. Who wants it? Come on. There you go. This little Mexican boy wants it. There you go. How about one more time for Ian Edwards? Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats this episode brought to you by Skyl. Fight, frame and game time. By the way, for those of you wondering who our amazing sponsors are, Ian Edwards, welcome back, my friend. How's it going?

[D]

It's good to be here, man.

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

This is a fun show to be at. Sitting next to Elaine, I can smell how old she is.

[B]

That's My Pussy, which is the name of my documentary out on Hulu.

[A]

That's My Pussy is the name of your documentary? Wow.

[B]

Should it have been something else, Tony?

[A]

I mean, I felt a fish.

[B]

I will look into changing it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Red Band, nice to see you with your clothes on. I used to work in a massage parlor. Red band would come in with his dick already out and let's just say he thinks the butthole's the G spot. Hit me. All right, let's get it going.

[A]

Here we fucking go. Elaine has joined the fray. I'm very excited about this. Maybe you heard me give the audience our little. Our little intro last week. But we got drunk together. Turns out she's been doing stand up comedy for exactly 50 years. How about a hand for 50 years?

[B]

Come on.

[A]

I ain't dead yet. She's 74 years old. Started when she was 24 and I caught a set in the little boy. Adam Egot, the booker of the club, was in the back of the room howling. She was talking about, what was it your pussy? I think it was.

[B]

I do a few pussy jokes, but he really liked the way that I said the N word, so.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

I'm just kidding. I said the whole thing. But it. No, no, it's. You could say it back in the day, but I love the mothership. Greatest club in the world and you know, this is as close as I'll ever, ever get to superstardom. So here we go.

[A]

I love it. Elaine, this is your first time on Kiltoni, so you might not know that over 200 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show.

[B]

Look at all those losers in there, huh?

[A]

Anything can happen. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds of stand up comedy time uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and that cuts off their time. I interview them after that. That scare you a little bit?

[B]

Let's just say some blood came out of. Yeah, it's scared me.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. But to get tonight's show started, I'm going to pre pull a name. We'll grab that one, too. I'll take that one.

[B]

I'll trade you my nail for that.

[A]

We'll load them up. This looks great. And we'll get both of those people wrangled up from the bar across The street, the 6th street famous bar, Poor Choices, which is a real scummy bar, by the way, but we love them. We love scummy bars. Vulcan Gas Company, Poor Choices. Sunset Street Strip Comedy Club. We love. We love shitty 6th street bars. That's what we take pride. Austin takes pride. More bars per capita than any other city. It's incredible. Get two dollar shots over at Poor Choices anytime you want. But while we wrangle those comedians, some of you may know that we have a new regular that starts the show. Oh, the lovely Heidi. Oh, listen to the crowd. Pop for Heidi, everybody. It's happening. Kill Tony. Fame affects everybody. To get tonight's show started, a force of nature, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's been filling in for the great Hans Kim for months while he prepares for his huge show at the Forum. The rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz will be live streamed from the Forum. But filling in Forum, the newest regular, absolute sensation. This guy just did theater with me this weekend in San Jose. He crushes. Let's see a brand new minute from the one and only Casey Rockett. Thank you. Yeah. All right. Okay. Yeah. La princesa. All right.

[C]

I gotta get out of here. I blacked out in Klonopin last night. And apparently I kept making my girlfriend listen to pro union coal mining music again. So it's just.

[A]

Which side are you on?

[C]

Lord, you know she's crying. That old chestnut. When are you gonna get help?

[E]

You know,

[C]

I'll tell you who needs help. The coal miners. But that's fucking Biden's America. You know what I mean? Just pop it one second.

[A]

All right, cool.

[C]

I w all drugs gave you flashbacks? You know, people always say that about lsd, that it gets stored in your bones or whatever. Which is such a scary thing to tell someone on lsd, right? Like what bones and whose bones and I wish you could just be walking through the mall with your friends and just pop your hip. Just get a ketamine Flashback from Bonnaroo 2012. You know, you're just. Oh, so they're called minions. I don't want to go to Spencer's Gifts anymore.

[A]

Thank you, Casey.

[F]

Rocket.

[A]

All right, there it is again. The man, the myth, the Crab Man. Thank you, Casey. Motherfucking Rocket has striked again. I squeezed too hard.

[G]

Yeah, I squeezed too hard.

[A]

That's wild. I used to do that when I was a little kid. I used to do that thing where I'd make my face all red. I think I would die if I did it now. Yeah, it was fun.

[C]

I squeezed too hard.

[A]

Try to do it right now. I know. Another amazing performance, Casey. I loved the eyeballs.

[C]

Very scary. Was anyone scared? Let's get a show of hands.

[A]

Oh, there's a lot of hands up in the air. Shockingly, at a comedy show, you genuinely had people scared.

[B]

Terrified, yeah. Terrified.

[G]

Thank you.

[C]

She's gorgeous.

[B]

Are you tired?

[H]

Yes.

[B]

You move around so quickly.

[C]

It was just one minute, and I tensed too hard. One time I used to do the

[A]

Dutchman's key, my favorite bit ever, which

[C]

is where I put a lead key in my mouth and that's it. And, well, that's about it. And one time I had the lead key, so I'm kind of dipping the key and it's leaking lead in my blood, and I tensed real hard, and I had to sit down on stage for, like, five minutes. Something about the lead.

[A]

He puts a key in his mouth and proceeds on with minutes and minutes and minutes of his act before coughing up the key. It's something you really got to see live, I guess, for it to translate how hilarious it is. But when he's in full action and moving around, you realize that he's had a key in his mouth for a lot of the performance. It's. The payoff is huge. Again.

[B]

You remind me of one of my. My grandson's friends. His name's Craig. And he also was missing some teeth.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

And he also titty fucked me upon meeting me. So play your cards right, Casey, and take this rocket ship to Titty Galaxy or wherever you want to go. You go to an Applebee?

[A]

Why?

[C]

Why? Why am I blushing?

[A]

It doesn't make any sense.

[B]

Sounds like a personal problem.

[A]

When was this? When did this titty fucking take place?

[B]

Well, you know, back in, you know, everything's. Well, it was about an hour ago, but it was. No, it was, I don't know, 1975. People have been teddy fucking for years, right, Ian? Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, that's what we do.

[B]

Thanks, Ian.

[A]

Ian, have you seen Casey Rocket before?

[D]

Shit, I still didn't see him. Was moving so fast.

[B]

Very fast, very fast.

[A]

He is a squiggler.

[D]

Are you. You take any substances?

[C]

Totally clean.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, I'm sober.

[C]

Been sober for many years. Yeah.

[B]

You feel like you're on an Adderall right now?

[C]

No, no, no, just me.

[D]

Motherfucker's the human form of Adderall.

[A]

Yeah, that's what everybody thinks. Surprisingly, he's one of the only sober people in this venue right now.

[B]

Now, is there a drug that you could be quashed into participating in? Like, if Joe Rogan came through here and was like, let's do bumps of coke off Elaine's tits, what would you do?

[A]

Good question.

[B]

Sorry, that's a bad Joe Rogan impression.

[A]

But

[B]

what would you say, Casey?

[C]

What would I say? And it happens, like, tonight. Like, it's like Monday night.

[B]

Let's say I call him right now and he. And he. I don't have his. Let's say Tony calls him and. And he goes, yeah, what's up? What's going on? Is there a bow and arrow down there? And he comes down and I go, yeah, there's a bow and arrow, but you gotta. The only way to get it is by doing coke off my tits with the newest Muppets. I guess what I'm saying is, would you do coke with somebody if they asked you? Could you be peer pressured? Casey, we're all human beings. We could be peer pressured.

[C]

Yeah, if you guys wanted it really bad, I guess, yeah, I could.

[B]

Does anybody have any cocaine? I didn't think you would actually say yes to that. Well, good for you. Straight edge is cool.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. It's punk rock, rock and roll stuff.

[A]

I got a lot. Casey is scared to death right now. I've never seen that look in your eyes. Exactly. An unbeliev weekend on the road. We had so much goddamn fun. Casey is absolutely hilarious. In the green rooms, at the restaurants, at the coffee shops, at the airport. You're a bundle of positive energy. I love you. Way to get tonight's show started. That's it. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. The newest regular. All right. And so it shall begin. I pre pulled two names we're going to see. Hopefully they come out in the right order. Here, make some noise for your first comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, let's do 60 seconds uninterrupted from Lino Rodriguez. Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here we go. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen.

[E]

Hello, my name is Lino Rodriguez. I'm A door guy on 6th Street. And right now my main diet is pizza and cigarettes. You know, I really gotta stop eating cigarettes. I'm actually Puerto Rican. I'm a Puerto Rican that can't speak Spanish. Though if I had to compare that to anything, I think it'd be like being a Catholic priest that doesn't fuck kids. Everyone expects me to, but I'm just one of the good ones. I wasn't raised that way.

[A]

The other day I was hanging out,

[E]

watching my new favorite movie, Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Palestine and. Irma gur just get a learn. I started to think about how I like to do Molly and compliment bald people on their eyebrows. You know, they don't really hear that anymore. I actually think they should start dying their heads like Easter eggs. That'd be fucking. All right. I'm Lino. Thank you so much.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

Lino Rodriguez. Our first bucket pull of the night. A slow start and a sluggish ending, but the middle was amazing. There you got laughs. I didn't think any of it was funny, but this is a hot crowd.

[B]

This is the best April fool set I've ever seen. That was good. It was good.

[A]

Ian Edwards.

[D]

I mean, what's the irony of him doing a Tyler Perry joke and I'm sitting next to White Madea?

[A]

It is absolutely a fantastic point.

[B]

Good point, Ian. Now, you had some stuff about fucking kids in the middle that really piqued my interest, because that's a real issue facing our country.

[E]

It is.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

So what is it about that that you find humorous? Like, where did that joke come from? I guess I want to get inside your head for a minute.

[E]

Got you. Ah, it came. Just. Everybody expects it to happen, you know, when you're brown or if you're a Catholic priest.

[A]

Either way, we got it. We got it.

[G]

Okay.

[A]

Over here. Lino, how long you been doing stand up?

[E]

About two, three years now.

[A]

Okay. Where do you. You live here in Austin? For how long?

[E]

A year.

[A]

Where did you live before that?

[E]

I lived in New Orleans. And.

[A]

Oh, some fans of New Orleans in the crowd.

[B]

How do you think I got all these beats?

[A]

That's right. Oh, wow. Suck it.

[B]

Tell him. Red band.

[A]

Come on. There you go.

[B]

Redband had six necklaces in his car.

[E]

That's so hot.

[A]

Selena, you're Puerto Rican. You can't speak Spanish. I've never seen a green Puerto Rican person before. What exactly is your diet? You made a joke about eating cigarettes that literally silenced every part of the city.

[E]

I worked inside For a while. So I think it started to turn Greek after a while. I don't know. I work from home and I work at night now, so I'm like a pail, I guess.

[A]

What do you do from home during the day?

[E]

I used to work on AI cars. I used to help program those.

[A]

AI cars?

[E]

Yeah, AV cars. Like Google cars and things like that. The self driving cars.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Shit. Hook us up, fam.

[E]

Oh, no, they didn't give me shit, but it was cool.

[D]

Puerto Rican, take that shit. So now you can only steal real cars.

[E]

Oh, I get you. Yeah, we can figure that out together. Hell yeah.

[A]

Okay. That is the birth of crime, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it happens. A Puerto Rican and a black.

[B]

That's my favorite pornhub search. Hit me, fellas. There it is. Little late. Little late. Little late like my period. Thanks, Redman.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Hit me. There it is.

[G]

Hit me.

[B]

That's all. To Red Band asked me to do it to him last night.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Takes a lot to make him come. So how. How old are you? Did you say that already?

[E]

I'm 27.

[B]

27? You look like you're 46.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

What's it like being 27 in 2024?

[E]

It's hard.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. There's the pornhub sound. A minute and a half after the pornhub joke. For those of you keeping track of Red Band in the Zone tonight already. Lino, have you been on this show before?

[E]

Yes, I actually got on a couple of weeks ago.

[A]

How did that go for you?

[E]

Not as good.

[A]

Not as good.

[E]

Maybe. Maybe for me, I don't know. I want him to have a good time, so I'm cool with that.

[A]

Okay, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't, don't do that. Yeah, don't do that, Lena. Ever again. So, Lena, what did we not find out about you in your last interview? That would be interesting. What was the mainframe of the interview last time you were on? What was the most interesting thing we found out about you? What did I make jokes about? Talk about.

[E]

Yeah, I had a real kick about my dad getting murdered. He thought that was.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

We'll be right back.

[A]

Elaine. Elaine is on fire. Now's a good time for me to promote Elaine for some reason decided to plug Adam ray comedy on YouTube. A brand new crowd work special from Adam Ray. I don't know what you and Adam have going on, Elaine, but.

[B]

Well, the way that Red Bands is. Is into Latinas, I'm into Jews. I love it now do you mind me asking what happened? Is this. I don't want to pour salt on a. On a band aid, but. What.

[A]

What.

[B]

What. What happened to your father?

[E]

He got merked with a baseball bat. He. I mean, like, he got beat up by a couple of guys, but one of them had a bat.

[B]

Right. And why did he. And he hit him upside the head.

[E]

Yeah, a couple times.

[B]

God damn it. Do you have the video?

[A]

This is the actual. We have audio from the. There you go. There was a referee there.

[B]

Why was there. Why was there a referee there? Red Bang.

[A]

It was also in a bowling alley, so not a lot of people know that. Did you know that? Did you know that your father was murdered in a bowling alley?

[E]

Not. It's news to me.

[A]

Okay, so what did we. You probably went home that night thinking, wow, I probably should have brought up something else or talked about something else about my entire life. What do we not know about you, Lino?

[E]

Oh, man. What else do you know about me?

[A]

Maybe you didn't think about it at all.

[E]

No, I didn't, actually. I. I've been in a car chase once that was crazy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

With the police?

[E]

No, with a hillbilly.

[A]

Okay. What happened? Take us through it. What did you do?

[E]

Well, my friends and I were out having a good time, and they decided, hey, let's. I don't know. The statute's a limitation. How long is that?

[B]

You're good.

[E]

All right, cool.

[A]

This guy insists on the interview being boring. I want to break the law.

[H]

Allegedly.

[E]

And they started to jump out the car and start hitting mailboxes. And then halfway through that.

[A]

How old were you during this?

[E]

I was like, 16.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

And that's still alive? No.

[A]

Right?

[E]

Just been gone.

[A]

There's no one to. No one to. No one to spank you? Just doing whatever you want in a fatherless society. Typical Puerto Rican childhood.

[B]

You want to feel my tits, Lino?

[E]

Of course I feel bad for you.

[A]

Do you want to feel. Do you want to feel his.

[E]

Yeah, we can feel.

[B]

I feel bad for you. I just said, you know, it's.

[E]

I'd love to.

[A]

All right, let's do it. Well, let's.

[B]

Let's finish. Finish up your story.

[A]

Let's hear about this car chase 102.

[E]

And then halfway through, I heard this

[A]

voice say, you done fucked up now.

[E]

Coming from, like, really far away from me.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[E]

And then all of a sudden, a truck was on our ass, and I was in a Bronco. Like an old 2002 Bronco. So I started whipping that bitch, and I Got the fuck out. I drove as fast as I could through backwoods of Mississippi, and my friends said, hit a right. So I did. And then when I did, I sort of slid into it. Then I heard, and then they crashed into the woods and I got the fuck out of there. Dukes of Hazzard style. I know. It's really.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

I hope you understood what I said. My mouth.

[A]

I didn't realize Mississippi had Asian drivers.

[B]

Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and take back the Titoffer. Is that okay?

[E]

That's fine.

[B]

That's totally fine.

[E]

I'm just saying. Completely.

[A]

Lino, what is your love life like? The world wants to know. How's Lino's game? You look like the guy that answers the door at a haunted Mexican restaurant.

[B]

Very funny. That deserves more laughter.

[C]

We'll edit.

[A]

It's all right.

[B]

That was a very funn funny joke. That's why it's your show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do this for me.

[E]

It's been a weird year. I got. I got married and divorced last year.

[A]

How did that. Okay, there we go.

[B]

Here we go.

[A]

Now we're getting somewhere.

[B]

Now we're cooking with gas.

[A]

Yeah, let's.

[D]

Ian, he asked you one hour ago, has there anything happened that you didn't tell us from the last show? And now you just bring that shit up?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for that. I ran a red light with Forrest Gump. Bullshit story. You got a dead dad and a divorce story just locked and loaded in those fucking Abercrombie pockets.

[A]

We're finding out a lot more. There's a lot more. This is like a Puerto Rican Forrest Gump over here. I'm excited about that. So tell us about the marriage and divorce.

[E]

Oh, man. It was.

[A]

You met. How'd you meet her?

[E]

Well, she saw me doing comedy once.

[A]

Oh, God. Was that when you got divorced?

[E]

And she liked my style and.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[J]

Style.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Infatuated and especially fat, so. And then she saw you do comedy. How long were you together before you decided to get married?

[B]

Good question.

[E]

About a year or so.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah, it was pretty. Pretty fast.

[B]

How did you propose to her? That's always something that the ladies care about. We want to be romanced and impressed.

[E]

I was at an amusement park in Gatlinsburg. Oh. In front of a Ferris wheel with a ring.

[A]

Believe that's how slavery ended.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

What happened to Del Taco? Now, what did she say? You said what? You said, I love you. It's only been a year, but let's do this. What'd you say?

[E]

Basically, I don't Know, we've been talking about it. She brought it up. I was into it, but it was all me, dude. I liked her.

[A]

What made you want to get married, though?

[E]

I don't know. That's a. That's a great question. Like, it. When it. When you're in that, it just sort of happens.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Did she let you titty her?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Hell yeah.

[B]

What the was that?

[A]

So how long were you married until divorce came on the table? And why was divorce imminent?

[G]

Form.

[E]

It was four months.

[A]

We're married, and then what happened?

[E]

Hey, wait, wait. It actually took a little longer for us to get married.

[A]

Also, it took a little longer to get the answer to my. Jesus Christ.

[E]

Sorry.

[A]

The numbers don't matter. It just.

[E]

It blew up toxic.

[A]

How? What? Come on. Give us an example of the toxicity of your city.

[E]

All right. You know, she getting. Finding out they're not, like, you know, faithful or, like, you know.

[A]

Was that what happened?

[E]

Yeah, it's a cheating. And, you know.

[A]

How did you find out that she was cheating on you?

[E]

Ah, she was supposed to be on a trip in Hawaii.

[K]

Huh.

[E]

And she was in Texas.

[A]

Okay, how did you find this out?

[D]

Oh, dude, did you have one of your cars follow her?

[E]

No, no, no.

[B]

Funny, Ian.

[E]

I might have to plead the Fifth on this one.

[A]

Why would you. Didn't you.

[E]

I had to plead the Fifth.

[A]

Why would you plead the Fifth on this? Because on a podcast right now where interviews happen and

[E]

Because.

[A]

Here we go.

[E]

Okay. Jesus Christ. All right.

[A]

He's not gonna save you here. He doesn't have WI fi up there.

[D]

You're more nervous now than when you did your one minute.

[H]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, Jesus. Well, you know, I was cleaning the house, getting ready for her to come back for the trip, and I checked her location. Cause she said she was gonna go

[A]

visit her family in Hawaii.

[E]

No, she was just with friends. She was gonna. Mississippi's where I'm from. And when I found her location and said, she's three minutes down the road in Texas, oh, boy. So I went. I went there. Oh. And she was there with someone I knew.

[A]

Oh, no. Who was the someone that you knew?

[E]

I don't know if I should do all that.

[A]

You don't need to name a name, you idiot. Don't name a name.

[E]

A friend of mine. I thought so.

[A]

A friend of yours, right?

[B]

Should we call that friend? Right.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no. What?

[K]

What?

[B]

I. No, no, no, no. That's a bad idea because. Because I just.

[A]

Thank you, Elaine, so much.

[B]

I know who's gonna pick up. It's gonna be red band, so I want. I want to avoid that. Well, I'm so sorry. Look, but guess what? When you get cheated on, it makes you stronger. You know, you learn about yourself.

[E]

Yeah, I got laid last week. It was. I've been.

[B]

Last week?

[E]

Yes. I. I got. I got with ladies last week.

[A]

How did you. What happened there? We're gonna go back to this. By the way, Elaine tried to bail you out with that phone call. We're going back to it. But what happened last week?

[E]

I met a nice lady. We went out. It was cool.

[A]

So okay it then. Good job. Great interview. I'm still gonna squeeze you for this. We're going back. Here we go. Hey. Over here. Lena, stop making noises with your mouth. Answer the questions that I ask you. Are you ready?

[E]

Yes, I'm ready. I'm sorry.

[A]

So when you went to the house with your friend and your wife.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

What exactly happened?

[E]

Oh, man, this part's easy.

[A]

You just tell us what happened instead of all the prefacing shit and everything.

[E]

I walked up to the door and I looked in the window and they were on the couch together.

[A]

What were they doing on the couch?

[E]

They were hanging out under some blankets and shit.

[A]

Under some blankets or on some blankets?

[E]

Under.

[A]

Under. Well, how did you know it was them under the blankets? How did you not know that it was.

[E]

I could see them like it was.

[A]

You could see their heads?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And. And they were.

[B]

They were watching a movie. What were they watching? Leno.

[A]

Elaine, I don't know if you noticed. He's not good at answering questions.

[B]

Let's.

[A]

We got to kind of keep him one track at a time here. So then what happened? Did you knock on the door?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

And then what happened?

[E]

They said no to get out. They said get out of here.

[A]

They told you to get out of here? Yeah.

[E]

Get out of here. What are you doing here?

[A]

Oh, you're trying to make jokes again.

[B]

Wait, let's act this out. Keep the music on, Red. Ben, you be the guy I'll be.

[E]

This is crazy.

[B]

Okay, ready? Give me a knock.

[A]

Oh,

[E]

get out of here. What are you doing here?

[B]

Leno? What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Hawaii. Oh, wait, no. I thought I was supposed to.

[F]

Sorry.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

I'm not into brown guys anymore. I'm into. I'm into black guys.

[E]

Damn.

[A]

Is that what you said?

[D]

What did you say?

[E]

I said what. What the are you doing here?

[B]

Why.

[E]

Why are you here? I thought you were in Hawaii.

[B]

Well, we. Our flight got changed.

[A]

Okay, hold On Elaine. What did she say when you said you're supposed to be in Hawaii?

[E]

Oh, she ran off. Off.

[A]

Where did she run off to?

[E]

The bedroom.

[A]

Oh, back there where she was safe?

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you chase her?

[E]

No.

[B]

No, that was it.

[E]

No, but it erupted some. Yeah, it was bad.

[A]

Was you. Did you and your buddy almost fight?

[E]

Oh, not really. I. I was more. I was gonna fight him, but I was more concerned with the other that was going on. I didn't care about him. He's a piece of, you know.

[A]

Right. Yeah.

[E]

So I was more worried about, like, what was happening, you know.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Never got an answer.

[A]

But the divorce was quick and easy because you caught her cheating.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

You didn't have to pay any of your door guy money or anything like that, right?

[E]

No, no, no, no. That's ongoing bullshit, you know? But no, I'm still balling.

[A]

Okay. All right. You got a little joke book last time?

[E]

Yeah, I got a little joke book.

[A]

Such interesting things about you, yet it's such a terrible interview. It's absol.

[B]

Great, man. Will you hit me with some music real quick?

[A]

Uh. Oh, Elaine. Uh. Oh. Whoa. Whoa. He's finally got some color in his face. Wow. I love it. All right.

[B]

I hope that makes up for your

[A]

dead dad, Lino Rodriguez. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. All right. Lino Rodriguez. Okay. And yet it has begun. So here we go. Your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, a minute uninterrupted, goes to Jerry Carlin, everybody. Here we go with Jerry Carlin.

[J]

I had a mustache for a while, but I think it looked silly on me, so I started clean shaving my pubes. I used to be a cutter, but now I just spit on people. My grandpa is starting to lose his judgment. He can't really drive anymore, and there was a blackout in his neighborhood and he almost shot the guy. Sometimes I would like to be black, but makeup is expensive. If Kanye west has taught us anything, it's that the Jews ain't worth the squeeze. A sex worker bit my dick once, so it was half off. Stuck with it.

[A]

Okay, Jerry Carlin. Very good. Little. Some good old fucking old fashioned. I love it. Smart one liners.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

Delivered straight down the barrel. Welcome to the show, Jerry. This is your first time on Correct. Yes, I would recognize you. I do believe I saw you in that new Nickelodeon documentary. Jerry, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up?

[J]

This is my second time.

[A]

Second time ever. Wow.

[J]

Thank you.

[A]

How long have you been writing and preparing for this?

[J]

These jokes? Maybe a month or so.

[A]

And how old are you?

[J]

I'm 21.

[A]

21 years old. Look at this. A fantastic start to your career. You going to college? What's your story?

[J]

No, just high school. I don't really want college.

[A]

You're still in high school. Okay. All right. You are the world's youngest pedophile, I do believe. 21 out there chasing high schoolers around. You gotta love it. Ian Edwards.

[D]

I mean, he's so young. He looks like he has a skin routine and I'm getting strong school shooter vibes at the same time.

[B]

Yeah, you look like the molester and the molestee at the same time.

[A]

It's true, it's true.

[B]

But that's a compliment because that's a tough gig to get. You're very funny. Your jokes are great. The structure's good. There's a lot of misdirection. What's your writing process like? Sometime tonight?

[J]

I don't know. I just, you know, lie in bed. They come to me, I guess.

[H]

I don't really.

[A]

I'm noticing that your writing started right when Texas made pornhub illegal. Is there any truth to you replacing your porn addiction with a love for stand up comedy?

[J]

I actually don't watch porn.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Prove it.

[A]

Hold on, what's your process there then? Imagination. What are you, fucking Willy Wonka? What's going on over here?

[J]

Very vivid imagination.

[A]

Okay. What do you picture when you are pleasing yourself?

[B]

Good question, Tony.

[A]

Now I'm the pedophile. Somehow I don't know how the switch happened. I'm just trying to host a show, but I made it creepy.

[J]

I'm a big fan of prostitutes. Some of those jokes are true.

[A]

Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at you. You didn't even smile after he said that. That is amazing. A 21 year old into the imaginary thoughts of a prostitute. Just the thought of a woman charging money.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Is enough to get him off. Ian Edwards.

[D]

Now. Now, when you say prostitutes, you mean killing them or them?

[B]

Good question, Ian.

[H]

Or both?

[J]

Both, of course.

[E]

Yeah, both.

[A]

Absolutely amazing, Jerry.

[B]

Carmel is there now. I've, you know, I've done a little bit of walking the streets late at night to make some extra cash. Right.

[A]

A woman of the night.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It's a. It's a tough gig, but there's, you know, you have to make sure your price points are fair. So what. I guess what would be if I were to, you know, if I showed you my menu of sexual favors, what would. What's too much? Right? Like for anal, how much would you

[J]

pay how much would I pay for anal?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I think that's what I just fucking asked. Yeah.

[A]

Yes. Some really tough interviews so far tonight. It is.

[C]

Is.

[J]

I would say under. Under 50.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

You dirty little boy. Holy.

[B]

She's freaking out.

[D]

She was so offended by that price.

[B]

And she's right.

[A]

That is.

[B]

And she's right. Our buttholes are precious right now. Did you meet. 50 cents and $50. Okay, okay, okay.

[A]

Stick with me here, Jerry. How much for a blow job on this menu of.

[J]

Oh, that's you. Five. Five dollars.

[A]

Five dollar blowjob. This is incredible. You sweet. Are you a virgin?

[J]

No. No, no.

[L]

Prove it.

[A]

That is the craziest yes I've ever heard in my life.

[B]

Yeah, I think you are just. I need to. Okay, so let's say you and I are in the bedroom. What sort of noises do you make? Ready?

[J]

Oh, I'm silent.

[A]

Welcome to another episode of We All Knew that Already. Okay, Jerry, you're 21. How you making money out there on these wild streets?

[J]

Jordache. Uber eats.

[A]

Okay. Just driving around. I love it. What kind of car do you have?

[J]

Hyundai Elantra.

[A]

What's your license plate?

[B]

Okay,

[A]

I love it. What's your living situation? You still with your parents?

[J]

Yeah, still my parents.

[A]

Are they. They live here in Austin.

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so born and raised in Austin. When did you decide or think that you wanted to maybe perhaps try stand up comedy? When did this all start?

[J]

I didn't even discover comedy until after 18, but just watching it.

[A]

Did your parents keep you kind of away from. From things on tv?

[J]

No, I just never stumbled across it, I guess.

[A]

What were you doing, playing video games or something?

[J]

No, I hate video games.

[A]

Okay, what were you doing?

[J]

I'm a huge TV fan. I don't talk to people.

[A]

Ooh, this guy might be a true comedian. We're finding here. It's incredible.

[B]

You do, but for somebody who doesn't talk to me, you have a nice. Like, you have an air to the way you're like, I don't talk to people. Like, you sound like you own a boat. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're a very confident guy for not having a lot of social interaction. What does that mean?

[J]

Well, I'm having a panic attack tech.

[B]

Oh, right now that was the funniest thing I've heard tonight.

[A]

Much more honest and giving than Lo Rodriguez's interview. He's actually being present, talking about how he feels in the moment. This is incredible. I love it. There's a. There's a real comedian back Here. Jerry Carlin. What do your parents think about. Did they know that you're out here doing.

[J]

Yeah, yeah. They're pretty supportive of me.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Never really brought it up and talked about it.

[A]

Right. Interesting. You don't talk to your parents either?

[J]

Don't talk to anybody.

[D]

Ian Edwards, you can't talk to parents. You murdered.

[A]

This whole not talking to anybody thing. Has this always been a thing of yours?

[J]

No, just, you know, out of high school. It's just hard to meet new people. After Covid, I kind of drifted apart from a lot of my friends. I only really have two good friends.

[A]

What do you do with these two friends?

[J]

Just. We really don't even meet up that much. Just talk.

[A]

Where do you talk?

[J]

You know, messages.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So you're a chat room guy.

[J]

Sure.

[B]

So, Jerry, if you're at the dinner table with your parents and you don't want to talk, but they're trying to strike up conversation like. So, Jerry, any cool whores lately? You just sit there in silence and eat your meatloaf.

[J]

Oh, I don't eat dinner with them.

[A]

You don't eat dinner with your parents. This is a fucking amazing fucking thing we have going on here. What do you eat? You eat by yourself?

[J]

Yeah, pretty much.

[A]

You take it up to your bedroom.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

And you sit on the edge of the bed with, like, a TV tray, or do you have a desk?

[J]

No, I got this massive TV and a nice, nice recliner.

[A]

You sit in a recliner and you continue to watch tv and you eat your food kind of like on your. On your lap.

[B]

That was a weird question, Tony.

[A]

No, I like to paint the picture for people. This is all very frightening.

[B]

You're right. It is. It's scary.

[A]

I'm scared to death.

[B]

I am, too.

[A]

I'm more scared than he is right now, and I've been doing this for 11 years. But this kid doesn't talk to anybody. His whole life is just a bunch of blue bubbles of messages.

[B]

Can I ask a question? What would it take for you to interact with your parents if Joe Rogan came down here tonight and said, let's go to your house and eat dinner with your family, would you do it?

[J]

If Joe Rogan asked, I would. Yes.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

Well, we have exciting news for you. Somebody said bow and arrow three times, and Joe Rogan is here and he wants to have dinner with your baby. Okay.

[D]

I'm just really worried for white kids, man.

[A]

This is the future.

[D]

What the fuck is going on with white kids?

[A]

You're right.

[D]

It's a perfectly Good looking white young male. And you're staying home not talking to anybody.

[J]

I used to be very ugly.

[A]

What happened? But get over was a.

[J]

It's a drug called Accutane. I had terrible acne.

[A]

Oh my goodness.

[G]

It's worse.

[D]

You got fucking perfect skin now. Yeah, yeah. Go talk to women in.

[J]

I should. Yes.

[D]

Yeah, you should, man.

[A]

Wow. Well, welcome to the. Welcome to the universe, Jerry Carlin. Not only are you out in public, but you're thriving. You're out here.

[B]

You got. Keep at it.

[A]

Finally found some people you can talk to.

[J]

Thank you.

[B]

Keep at it. Right that way. Great job.

[A]

Jerry Carlin, ladies and gentlemen. And just the way that the thing worked out tonight, we actually got get a little blast from the past. For those of you curious of what Jerry Carlin looked like very recently, we have a golden ticket winner here that is ready to blast off with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, sensation. You know him, you love him. Make some noise. This is a rare appearance by the great and powerful Heath Cordis, everybody.

[F]

Jerry needs to start doing hard drugs. Just got out of my first like real toxic relationship. Come on.

[L]

Woo.

[F]

Yeah, it was great at first, but then it just got really needy and I needed space so like I couldn't see her anymore. And that's why I said, I hate to do this, but if you leave me, I'll kill your family,

[A]

burn your

[F]

house down, shoot my brains out. I don't give a fuck. I'm an emotional wreck right now. Try me now. I legally can't see her anymore. It's all right. I'm gonna fuck the shit out of Elaine tonight.

[A]

Woo.

[F]

That's the end of my minute. Thank you guys.

[A]

50 seconds from Heath Cordes. I love it.

[B]

50 seconds. You'll only need 22 with me, sweetheart. Save 130 for a rainy day.

[F]

You know it. Wing, Wing.

[A]

So far this show is a pedophile's delight. This is incredible. We had a 21 year old that said, I just recently got good looking just a moment ago. And here you are, another 21 year old, back to back,

[F]

but not really 21. That's just what I had to say to like get this going.

[A]

Wait, what do you mean?

[F]

Yeah, you fucked up. You didn't do enough background.

[A]

I checked your ID that night that we met.

[F]

It's a good id.

[A]

Oh my God, you little son of a bitch. So how old are you really?

[F]

I'll never tell.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah. Why am I hard? Okay, Heath, let's get into it. You're a golden ticket winner here. On Kiltoni. How's life been going? How has your life changed? What's going on with you?

[F]

Pretty good. I'm very happy. I got a door guy job at the mothership. So that's.

[B]

Congratulations. That's a big deal.

[F]

Yeah, that's how I've been spending my time. Just trying to get better.

[D]

Good to know. Security is real tight around here.

[A]

Yeah,

[F]

I laugh every time I see them pat someone down because I'm just like, right, okay.

[B]

It's ironic. You're the golden ticket winner, Heath. You look like Charlie Bucket with autism.

[F]

Yeah. And this all right show is Willy Wonka with autism.

[A]

So you gotta stop smoking, kid.

[B]

Do you smoke? What do you. What kind of drugs do you do, Heath?

[F]

All of them.

[B]

Because you talk.

[A]

Heath is a wild boy. I will tell you that. He is one of the lightest people yet heaviest drinkers here at the mothership. He actually you got face last. Last Thursday. Yeah, he up. Who's up now, huh?

[F]

Me. I up.

[A]

You did? Yeah. And he. I was going to take him to do sold out theaters in box Boston and Baltimore. And he slept through his flights.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

To the point to where a little fun fact is, you know, we were on the plane and it's about to close up here in Austin, Texas, and they came over the loudspeaker and said, if there's a Heath Cordis, please ring your ringer. And so of course I messaged the whole crew. I go, is Heath? And has anyone seen Heath? No. I message you right? And I did not get a response until after we landed in Boston.

[F]

So everyone, so sorry, please, I'm so sorry. That's what I said.

[A]

That's right. Via text message.

[F]

Via text.

[A]

So it didn't really translate.

[F]

No, but that's how I felt.

[A]

Of course, I do believe that. But just, just to take you guys there, I was about 85% sure when we landed in Boston and heard nothing back. That is when we went to the next level of who are his roommates? Can we reach out to them? Because we thought he was dead, everybody. We literally thought that your condition, fucking, whatever's wrong with you, went into overdrive and fucking. It was like, so who so got

[F]

at least three more months.

[B]

So, Heath, who woke you up out of your race car bed? Who told you that? Who told you it was time to perform? Warm.

[F]

Worst way to wake up. No one woke me up out of the race car bed and I was still late.

[B]

You just woke up. That's the plan of Home Alone? Pretty much, yeah. So did you Go Bonanza City. Did you have pizza and ice cream and watch.

[F]

Oh, yeah. You gotta. Yeah.

[A]

Really? It is the ultimate lesson in life. You dealt with it very, very well. You're still alive. I had to go super, super easy to make sure I did not induce a suicide. I did real good with it, right?

[F]

Yeah, you did great.

[A]

It was very, very, very nice.

[F]

Tony's not making anyone kill themselves.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. This is the episode where we clear the air about me inducing suicides, which is a. Which is out there in the zeitgeist somewhere, if you look hard enough for it. But if anybody would have killed themselves, it's the sweet little boy with many conditions. Scoliosis, Benjamin Buttons. Whatever the you have, you got it all.

[B]

What if he's like that movie Jack with Robin Williams and he's 65?

[A]

How old?

[B]

So you said. You're really not 21?

[F]

Heath, I'll never tell.

[H]

Okay?

[B]

Now, what if Joe Rogan came down here and asked you what?

[F]

Yeah, he knows. He knows.

[B]

Okay, fair enough.

[A]

You said 65, which made me think of something. Have you ever 69 with anyone, Heath? Have you ever gotten. Have you ever gotten your dick sucked? Wow. It's impossible. All right, well.

[B]

What, dad?

[F]

They have to, like, hunch down like this. You know, just, like, make it work.

[D]

Logistically, every time I look at Heath, I feel like some ventriloquist is like, where did my puppet go?

[A]

It is incredible. Heath, has your size ever helped you with anything? Is there ever a time where you use it to your advantage? A lot of leg space on the flights that you've been missing.

[F]

Yeah, it's. What's crazy is I'm still getting really claustrophobic on flight.

[B]

You do?

[F]

Even. Even though I have the best situation.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

For planes. I still hate them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you get the board first?

[F]

What? No.

[B]

You don't.

[F]

I should. I should get the board first. It's not fair.

[B]

They don't go. Paging all passengers with Asperger's. It's your turn.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know if it's Asperger's. I think he has ass sliders. It's a little bit smaller than a burger.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

Stupid.

[B]

That's funny.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

That's a food joke.

[A]

Thank you, Elaine.

[B]

That's a food joke.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

This doesn't board at all.

[A]

Yeah. It is incredible. I gotta stop hiring openers that sleep in cribs and can't get out in the morning. Very rare. You are the first person I do Believe I've ever worked with that. Slept in on flights. But you know what? At the end of the day, you doing it kind of adorable.

[F]

That's good.

[A]

Had it been Patterson, there may have been some racial slurs said or something like that. With you, it's just like, oh, I hope he doesn't hurt himself.

[F]

That's what I go for.

[A]

So what did you end up doing that weekend? Anything fun?

[F]

Not really. Just being sad.

[A]

Right.

[F]

Yeah, Token, that guy, he reached out to me and he said he wanted to hang out so that like, it was the rapper who went to the show.

[B]

Yeah, we put that together. His name's Token.

[A]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[F]

He was there. He met you in Boston.

[A]

That's right. Yeah, we met a rapper in Boston. I found out afterwards that he was a rapper. I just thought he was some quiet kid hanging out.

[F]

Yeah, I was listening since like high school. So like that just rubbed the salt.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Three or four years. Wow. Yeah, I just did that. Yep. Okay.

[B]

Well, Heath, are you a big gangster rap guy? I try to be.

[A]

Oh, why are you asking that question?

[B]

I don't know. I just felt like it might be time for a rap battle. Yeah.

[F]

No, no.

[A]

Elaine, what are you doing? Who you're going to have him rap.

[B]

News flash, this ain't Gatorade. I just feel like if you're a fan of rap at some point, if you have.

[F]

Have no.

[B]

And you missed a flag.

[F]

I'm such a fan of rap that I'm not gonna rap on stage right now.

[B]

Okay, well, yeah, you could have just.

[D]

Good move. Good move.

[F]

Thank you.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Okay. If it's coming from the black guy, it probably isn't.

[F]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Great move. Well, heath, another fun 50 seconds. You, you know, writing is not easy. And you wait. You use your golden ticket wisely and only come in when you're ready for it. And I love it. It. And you, you're. You're a very promising young buck. Congratulations. 21 year old Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

I'll see you tonight. He. No condoms necessary.

[A]

Way to up, dude. Celia. Oh my goodness. Thank you so much. I need that. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Andrew Ginsburg. Here comes Andrew Ginsburg, everybody. Here he is. Come on, make some noise for Andrew, everyone.

[H]

Yeah, I got called for jury duty last week. I haven't had to do that in a while. I was a little nervous. I haven't had to do it in a bit don't know anything about the justice system. I've seen 895 episodes of Judge Judy, but that's it. So I didn't know what to expect. You know what I mean? But my friends told me, me, don't worry. There's a really long orientation before they start, so they'll teach you everything you need to know about sending somebody to jail. But they didn't tell us anything about that for 30 minutes. The lady behind the counter, all she told us about was how to fill out the address section of the juror form. The whole time I was there, the whole time, she was just like, if you live in a house, you're not gonna put an apartment number on the form. You live in a house, sir. Why are you putting an apartment number on the form? You live in a house. This went on for 30 fucking. You know, And I'm saying to myself, why are they telling us about this? Instead of anything about the justice system, why are they telling us about this address form? And it dawned on me, the other people in my group, they couldn't fill out the address form. They were struggling with it. And it just got me thinking, like, these are your peers. This is the jury. If you commit a crime, these fucking people are gonna sentence you to prison. They can't even fill out the fucking address form. There's a lady in my group in the klondike Bar at 9:30 in the morning. Are you fucking kidding me? If you eat ice cream before lunch, you're not qualified to send somebody to prison. I'm sorry. That's how I feel about that, you know? Started taking my anger out on the judge. I was like, dude, you studied law for what, 20 years? Need help from 30 random fucking weirdos to help you make a decision? Get it together. Use your brain. You're a lawyer. It's like if I went to the doctor and he was like, I think you have.

[A]

Good Lord almighty, Andrew. Jesus Christ. Holy shit.

[B]

Well, here's someone who's not gonna get a titty fuck.

[A]

Oh, my God. What the fuck was that? That? Hi, Andrew. Hey.

[H]

How you doing?

[A]

How long have you been doing stand up for?

[H]

Six years.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[H]

Sorry.

[A]

What was that?

[H]

Well, I'll tell you the truth.

[A]

Yeah, please do.

[H]

I. I have a tight set. But my friends are saying if you got on the show to do something that you're excited about. That's new, and it just didn't translate.

[A]

Oh, wow. Your friends. You.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Your friends hate you, Andrew Ginsburg.

[H]

They sure do.

[A]

Why don't you Give us an example. Six years in the game. Why don't you do your best joke? Okay.

[E]

Yep.

[H]

I just turned 35 recently. Thank you. Yeah. Yep. Now I'm hanging out with all 25 year olds.

[C]

Now.

[H]

I, you know, I realized, you know, all my real friends got married and moved to the suburbs and had kids, so I had to regroup. I'm hanging all the 25 year olds, you know.

[B]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[A]

I'm not done.

[B]

Oh, maybe I will give you that titty f. Oh, I'm just nervous.

[A]

You live in New York.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

You know how I know? Yeah, you do that. New Yorkers do that. And they do this. Something to keep an eye on. They can't help them. Another thing is. It's terrible. You make up for a lack of everything with all this. Nah. Yeah, you can't help yourself. Just bombing and moving the mic. Hey, can't tell them bombing. Look over here. Fucking New York trick. Ian, am I correct? You've seen this before, right?

[D]

You've seen that before?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Listen, man, the only way you can save the rest of your time up here is if your dad got killed by a bunch of baseball bats.

[B]

He's not wrong.

[E]

Fair enough.

[D]

And if you caught your girlfriend cheating, you better have some tragedy.

[A]

Yeah, Ginsburg. We gotta get into it. You gotta save this with an interview. Dude, look, he's doing the double hand thing. Doesn't even know it. I could go on and on, people. I study this art form. I've known it, by the way. Shane and a tell do the double hand thing. But they can get away with it. It's their thing. That's why the rest of them are doing it. Anyway, just got to get that disclaimer out there before everybody loses their minds. You suck. Let's get into it. Six years. Your new minute sucks. Your best joke sucks.

[H]

Well, I tripped on that. I'm sorry.

[A]

Sorry. Okay, okay. Apologies don't work here, but it's okay. So tell us what. What's, like, good stuff that's happening from you doing standup comedy? Why do you continue to do this to yourself?

[H]

Well, normally I get laughs. I know that seems unbelievable right now. In this particular.

[A]

Let me tell you. Let me tell you something, because I mentioned this earlier. It's a hot crowd.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I can't believe the stuff that I've heard them laugh at tonight.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I'm so proud of them. It's staying solid for your wretched set. Because I'm like, wow. Normally they laugh on cadence alone. Kind of like where there should be a laugh, but they. They kept it real on this one. They realized, like, oh, we're gonna watch an actual bombing here today.

[H]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I would have rather you queefed into the microphone.

[C]

Me, too.

[A]

If you could do that. That would be amazing.

[B]

If you could do that. But you are. But nerves is a part of it, right?

[H]

I'm nervous. I don't feel that great, to be honest with you.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Why don't you. Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry to interrupt. Elaine, why don't you feel great? Great.

[H]

Well, to be honest with you, Tony, the pollen in Austin is killing me, and I'm just dying. I don't feel that great.

[B]

I don't want to hear it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[H]

This is the truth.

[B]

Take some clarity, you Jew. I could say that I went to a Bar Mitzvah 20 years ago.

[H]

I believe you.

[I]

I deserve it.

[A]

Oh, this is the truth. I. That.

[D]

God, why would you say that?

[H]

It's the truth.

[D]

Are you from New York? What the is wrong with you?

[H]

I'm from Jersey.

[A]

What do you mean you're from Jersey?

[B]

But you.

[A]

You live in New York.

[H]

I live in New York.

[A]

Right. So you're originally from. You're trying to, like, claim Jersey all of a sudden?

[B]

No, no.

[H]

I'm just saying that's where I'm from.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

All right.

[D]

I actually. I actually kind of get, like, the type of comedy he was trying to do.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

It didn't hit hit, so I. I understand. Like, I can see where that would work.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

But if I ever hear you tell some about your pollen allergies.

[H]

Understood.

[D]

Ever again. Like, everybody that booed you were on point.

[A]

Yeah. It is. It is something else. The pollen has gotten the best of you. When did you arrive here to Austin, Texas, a place that naturally is pushing you away?

[H]

Thursday night.

[A]

Thursday night. And the pollen just started flying up in your nostrils, and you're like, oy.

[B]

They Pretty much.

[H]

I mean, that's.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Well, you have to rise above it. You know, there's going to be other hardships that come your way. Right.

[H]

I'll take that as a note.

[B]

Joe Rogan fights through pollen. I'm sure he does.

[A]

True.

[H]

I'm sure he does.

[D]

I like that nature tried to stop this set.

[A]

Exactly. Exactly. Texas has a way of keeping a certain type of people up in New York. You know what I mean? Like, Do your allergies affect you in other places? We do have. We do have allergies here. People. People get them. The weak people. Y. Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Just Texas.

[H]

No, they affect me other places.

[A]

Right.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell us some more super Jewy things about you.

[H]

Well, I'm only half. Only half Jewish. My mom's a Texas Italian.

[A]

Oh, wow. You know those Italians and their allergies, you know what I mean?

[H]

So I'm not all the way.

[A]

All right, well, okay.

[H]

I want to just tell you the truth about that, too.

[A]

Oh, you always say. I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna tell you the truth. I'm gonna be honest here, Tony. I'm gonna tell you the truth. Yeah, you're a. You're a little liar, aren't you?

[H]

No, not about this.

[B]

Now riddle me this.

[M]

Yes.

[B]

Ginsburg's your last name. What's your first name?

[H]

Andrew.

[B]

Andrew. If you were to tell a lie that was funnier than the truth.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, what would your excuse was not pollen?

[A]

What.

[B]

What could you come up with that might be funny to say instead of, I'm allergic to flowers? Yeah.

[H]

I was doing meth till 9:30 in the morning.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[H]

You know.

[B]

All right, well, we try.

[A]

I'll tell you the truth, Elaine. I. I'm allergic to Palestine.

[B]

That's. That's funny.

[H]

That is.

[B]

All right, now, how do you write? Do you write? Do you. You do you write?

[H]

I do write. Yes.

[A]

Yeah. In an unfunny chamber.

[H]

I mean, you know, I write as much as I can.

[A]

Give us your second best joke. I want to hear your second best joke. We went through the 3525.

[B]

You're up here for a reason.

[A]

We still think there's something in here in the game. Let's hear your second best joke. Let's see.

[D]

Take a deep breath first.

[H]

All right.

[A]

I appreciate it. Yeah, well, that's just going to put more pollen in his nasal passage. We're gonna give you a fuckin. What's that shot? We're gonna give you a epinephrine or something. Okay, here we go. His second best joke. Six years. I'll tell you the truth. Here he goes. I'm gonna be.

[H]

I just found out that my cat has diabetes.

[A]

Ah.

[H]

Which is strange. I never had a cat before. It's kind of like having a girlfriend again. I just fall around my apartment saying, I'm sorry, wondering why she hates me so much. You know, it turns into the same thing, but I came home the other day and she was in the corner of my apartment. She's peeing and she's crying. And, like, first of all, this is New York. Pay rent. That's my corner for Peeing and crying, you know? Then I took her to the vet, and the vet said she has diabetes. I'm like, how does a cat get diabetes? All my friends like, what are you feeding your cat? I'm giving the cat cat food. Dude. My cat can't speak. I don't know. My cat's in pain. You know, my mom has diabetes. And that makes more sense. Cause I call her every Sunday, and I'm like, mom, what are you making for dinner? And she's like, I'm having a nice, healthy cake. Okay?

[B]

I can't.

[D]

Why?

[H]

You have diabetes. That makes sense. You know, my cat doesn't walk. That Seinfeldy.

[B]

That was Kramer. What the was that?

[A]

Oh, my God. This is an anomaly.

[B]

I love the commitment, though.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

My cat got diabetes. I promise I'm not crazy. Everybody's got diabetes. Do you say, I promise I'm not crazy?

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, that's why you should open the whole set. That's funny. That's honest. You are a little crazy, though, huh?

[H]

I guess.

[A]

So tell us something real and crazy about you that would surprise us. Give us something from your Italian side. You ever do anything exciting or anything at all, really? Anything other than complainy, whiny, unfunny?

[H]

That hurts.

[A]

This is the show you signed up for.

[H]

No, I understand.

[A]

Okay, let's go. What's. What's something that would surprise us about you, Ginsburg?

[H]

I don't know if you'd find it surprising, but I've been asked to officiate six weddings.

[D]

I could believe that.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

It's not surprising at all.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

So seems like that's what you would be good at.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Very serious speaking role.

[B]

Like in the Real World or like on Sims?

[A]

Yeah, the real world.

[B]

The real world.

[D]

I still can't get over, like, you saw a guy that was 21 years old that is like. Like suffering with some do. Do his material. Another guy, his dad died, and then you're like, I have a pollen. You. You know how much damage was up here?

[B]

He's right.

[A]

You think you've ever killed before? Six years in the game. Have you ever killed?

[H]

I promise I do.

[A]

You promise you do? I have.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, you have.

[H]

I go up every day.

[A]

You go up every day?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's what you did. You have a third best joke that might hit here. Who wants to hear? I know, I know. We're 11 minutes into this guy. People are going to be like, why did you keep them up here? I don't care. I want to hear your third best joke if cat has diabetes is number two, and I'm 35. Hanging out. Out with 25 is number one.

[H]

No, it's not number one. I didn't.

[A]

Because you gotta have.

[H]

I didn't finish that. I, I, I'm just.

[A]

Okay, let's. The third best joke, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Try to think of one that maybe has, like, a short setup and a big punch. Here we go. Andrew Ginsburg. Six years of New York comedy, supposedly the comedy capital of the world. And here is Andrew Ginsburg, six years into being a New York comedian.

[D]

New Jersey. New Jersey.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. He's been doing it in New York. Originally from New Jersey, but here he is, New York comedian, everybody. Andrew Ginsberg. Yeah, we already did this. Go ahead into it. Well, I'll be honest. Okay, go ahead.

[H]

I was saying to my friends, I feel like I'm like a raging alcoholic. You know what I mean? They're like, say that. Ginsburg, you're not partying that hard. I'm like, I don't know. If you wake up every single big night, you're googling. Am I an alcoholic? You're definitely an alcoholic.

[A]

Right?

[H]

I feel like most people don't do that. They're not like, should you have shit in a blender last night? Did people do that? What's the third result say on this Google search, you know, but trying to roll.

[A]

That's not fair. This is fucking amazing. Oh, this is amazing. Ginsburg, let me ask you something. Thing I've noticed, and at first I thought there was no way that it was really happening, but I've noticed that you do this thing, you know what you do?

[H]

No, sir.

[A]

This thing where you kind of. And then I, you know. And then. And then I, you know. Do you notice that you do that?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

What is that?

[D]

That's some jersey.

[A]

Some jersey again. No, he's a New York comedian. I want those New York comics to see one of their own out here. Just. You're on lineups out there, right? Right?

[H]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Up there with everybody else is what's going on in New York comedy right now. Right?

[H]

It's not my best night.

[A]

It's not my best night. That is one of the funniest things you've said in 13 and a half minutes.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

We got to get you out of here, dude.

[H]

All right.

[B]

You tried. You tried your best, though, right? You feel good?

[H]

No, I don't.

[A]

I'm sorry. There you go. There's a little bit of honesty in the moment, a little joke. Book. There he goes. Andrew Ginsberg, ladies and gentlemen.

[M]

Thank you.

[A]

There he goes.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Wow. That is what this show is all about right there. Sometimes you're watching the future, and sometimes you're watching the past. In real time, anything can happen. Put your hands together. Another bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Matt Sturm, everybody. Here we go. Matt Sturm.

[C]

Hey, guys. How's it going? I'm getting a little fat. You're not fat. Why are you laughing, man? You're a little fat. You are, you piece of. No, you're good. I'm getting a little fat, guys. I was with a girl recently. She tried to titty fuck me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

You ever have that happen to you? She was starting to milk me like a fucking ravaging beast. She was fucking pulling my tits and shit. I'm Matt, by the way. I'm German and Jewish, so I want to kill myself, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

It's not a joke. What else, guys? Fuck, man. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quick. I can do this fast. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quickly. Mel Gibson announced. Good time for him to hate Jews, right? You can laugh. I just said I'm Jewish. It's okay. How you guys feel about Hamas? You like Hamas? No.

[B]

O.

[C]

You don't like it, huh?

[B]

What? I can't.

[A]

I.

[B]

What did you say?

[C]

Oh, that's it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

All right.

[E]

Looks like.

[A]

It looks like Ginsburg curse the show.

[C]

I know.

[A]

All right, Matt Sturm. Relax, relax, relax. Take a breath for a moment.

[C]

I'm fat, so I can't fucking breathe, man.

[A]

Okay, Matt, relax. How long you been on stand up?

[C]

Just about a little longer than Ginsburg.

[A]

Okay, why don't you tell us how long you've been doing stand up, Matt?

[C]

Oh, about eight years.

[A]

Eight years? Where at?

[C]

Well, it was. It's been hard because I'm from Vermont originally. Live in Connecticut. The dreaded Connecticut. So I would have to take a train in New York. York. Do a bunch of New York.

[A]

New York media, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Oh, that's. Does that work there?

[L]

No.

[D]

Okay, listen, man, I'm. I'm from New York. These is not from New York.

[C]

Yeah, I'm not.

[A]

I'm from New England.

[B]

You look hot.

[A]

No, You're a Comedy store guy, Ian. Did you start in New York?

[D]

Yeah, I started in New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And I did, like, the Boston.

[N]

The.

[D]

The seller.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And then I moved to la and I'm a store guy, so I'm a.

[C]

Both.

[B]

I'm a.

[A]

You're a True store guy, though. I mean, I've known you there every week for 17 years, right?

[B]

You're in the greats, you. And I've never seen you ask a random crowd member when you're bombing. Hey, you into Hamas?

[A]

Yeah. This guy got thrown off by everything, by the way.

[D]

New York would do that.

[B]

It's a good question. That's not a bad question.

[C]

Now, I don't know if the answer, but.

[B]

Well, you. You look like you drive Uber. Do you drive Uber?

[C]

I've been in an Uber.

[K]

Okay.

[B]

It's a start.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[C]

I'm looking for work. I don't have a job.

[A]

What was your last job?

[C]

I worked at a restaurant. I was a waiter.

[A]

Okay. How long did you do that for?

[C]

Oh, fucking 10 years.

[A]

How recently did you lose that job?

[C]

About a six months, man.

[A]

Okay, so how do you have enough money to survive six months?

[C]

I was in my mom's basement. I wasn't doing shit, man, so I came down here.

[A]

How long have you been here?

[C]

I've been here about, you know, a little more than a month.

[A]

How's it going?

[C]

I love it. I'm having a fucking blast.

[A]

What are you doing for fun here that you're having such a blast?

[C]

I'm just going on all sorts of mics and shows and having a good time being around other awesome comics that are really nice. The scene's really tight knit. There's a lot of cool guys around here that are super nice, so.

[A]

Wow, what an adorable answer. Okay, what's your. What do you do for fun? Anything other than stand up comedy.

[C]

Oh, you know, Tony, sometimes I just take a long fucking look at the river and I think about the.

[A]

You know that ladybird that you've been murdering there?

[C]

Yeah, well, the Ladybird Lake Killer still is at Rise. You know, we don't know who it is, but there's some. There's some rumors.

[B]

Don't make me do it again, Redman.

[D]

Is Ginsburg Ginsberg staying with you while he's out here?

[C]

No, no, no. I met him tonight, but from the. Well, I recognized him from New York.

[D]

Jewish?

[C]

Yes.

[D]

From the east coast.

[C]

Well, only a few of us survived that thing that happened.

[A]

Topical. So let's talk about it here. Matt, you do recognize Ginsburg from New York's comedy scene.

[C]

I've seen his face for sure.

[A]

We talked about thing since we had him. Try this. Why don't we hear your best joke? You didn't do it tonight. You were saying?

[L]

What else?

[A]

35 seconds. So let's Do a little fun thing.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

A little New York edition of your best joke. Eight years as a stand up comedian. Grinding and grueling, taking a train, Am I correct? From Connecticut to New York City. Yep. Grinding and grueling.

[C]

Slinging my good ass jokes.

[A]

Okay, here you are. Your best joke, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Sturm. And go.

[D]

I'm gay.

[C]

Oh, crickets.

[B]

No.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

My best joke.

[C]

I don't do. I. I'm bad at one liners.

[A]

Tony, do a good one.

[B]

Okay?

[C]

Hell yeah, man. On the spot. Just do.

[A]

No, no, not the right one. Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. Don't make more noises into the microphone. It's not helping you.

[C]

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[A]

Just listen.

[B]

Wait, so when you were working at the restaurant, if they were like, hey, how's the Caesar salad? Will you just go, I'm gay, and pull your shirt. Yes, yes.

[C]

That's how I got my tips.

[A]

Okay? So stick with me here.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Eight years of standup. I'm not asking you to write a joke now. I'm asking you to do the best

[C]

joke ever I've ever written.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

What's the best joke I've ever written?

[A]

There he goes. Matt Stern, everybody. There you go.

[C]

I don't know. I don't know what the best joke is.

[A]

Bye, bye, Matt. There he goes. Very good. Blacklisted. Do not touch these people anymore.

[B]

More.

[A]

No more handshakes or high fives or anything. By the way. That's not a thing. Two New York comedians, back to back. And now. And now Tony. And now. Sorry. And I know, by the way, I don't know why you're claiming New York.

[D]

This is like said he's from Connecticut,

[A]

where they do stand up is what I'm counting here.

[D]

He goes to New York, but it obviously is not.

[A]

I don't care where they're, where they, they sleep. It's where they perform. These guys are on lineups in New York City. Anyway, your next comedian is a regular on this show. You're going to see 60 seconds uninterrupted from an Austin comedian that works here full time. Let's see what happens. This is a brand new minute. This guy has to do this every single week. This isn't. He's not reaching for a minute of the best standup that he's done in eight years. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson, everybody.

[L]

Hey, them last niggas was terrible, dawg. We was recently in Utah and usually when I go to a state they Usually got most white people. I look up on the Internet, what side of the Civil War they was on. Cause you have to to be safe as a black man, right? And Utah wasn't even a state when the Civil War was going on. But whoever the fuck was in Utah sided with the union. And that's cool. That's great. Good team. I fuck with them. You know what I'm saying? I like that a lot. But I will tell you that the population in Utah of Black people is 1.6. So even though they were like, we don't. With slavery, they also like, we don't want you niggas over here neither. Stay the fuck out of Utah, bitch. I will tell you, I like Utah. Cause they got. They got mountains, dog. And like, I. I never thought I was gonna be able to see Mount Everest that close. You feel me? What's so fucking funny, dawg? I'm from Florida. Every mountain of me is Mount Everest, bitch. I only know three mountains. Mount Everest, Mount Kilima Jaro.

[B]

Big word.

[L]

And it's Splash Mountain, dumbass.

[A]

One minute, nine seconds from a man that has to write a new minute every week in front of a million people. Cam Patterson. I don't know how this turned into A New York vs Austin Harlem Globetrotters game, but I love it.

[B]

Come on, man.

[L]

That's what we do, man.

[A]

Just a professional bawling all over two white nerds.

[L]

Them was.

[B]

Hey, What?

[L]

Hey, the last the. That went before Heath. Yeah, Jerry. Y'.

[A]

All.

[L]

Don't y' all let that go home.

[A]

What do you mean?

[L]

He's a serial killer, dog.

[A]

Oh, I know.

[L]

Nobody stop. I talk to nobody. Somebody arrest this nigga, dog. He kills people. He fucking murders people, man.

[D]

It's fucked up how they wait to find the body.

[L]

Yeah. It's like we. He right here.

[A]

He's right there.

[D]

Just get him.

[L]

Get him right now, man.

[A]

He gets rid of the bodies. Not only does he seem like a murderer, but he also seems like the guy that knows the chemical compound to put it in a barrel, to put the body into the barrel for the body to disintegrate completely.

[D]

I've never seen anybody look more like a sniper, bro.

[L]

Yeah, you kept asking. You was like, so who do you talk to? I don't talk to nobody. What about your parents?

[C]

What parents?

[L]

But that nigga terrified the fuck out of me, dog. I was in the back like, nobody sees this nigga. Nobody sees Jeffrey Dahmer reincarnated nigga. That shit pissed me off, man.

[B]

Okay, Cam, you've never been You've never talked to yourself late at night, just laying in bed, being like, look how great my big back cock is. You ever do that? You know, I talk to myself. I think everyone does it. But you're right. His is a little crazier.

[L]

Remember the first time I met you?

[B]

Yes, you do. Yeah. So Applebee's.

[L]

No, you.

[C]

No.

[L]

You came to the Atlanta Improv when I first started doing comedy and I asked you to do a guest spot.

[B]

That's right.

[L]

And you looked me dead on my face, said, eat my pussy, nigger. And I said, no, I don't want to do that. And then I didn't do that.

[B]

You didn't do that. Well, the night is young, my friend. I remember, too. I remember I said, what's your name? And you go, cam. And I go, what's your last name? You go, pat it. And I go, go. I just want to get it right when I tell the police.

[A]

And it's good to see.

[B]

But you remind me of my old driver, Cam. So it's good to see you.

[L]

Like Driving Miss Daisy. I know that movie. I know that movie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[L]

It's a. Denzel was in it.

[A]

Yeah, Wasn't he in it?

[L]

Wasn't Denzel in that movie?

[B]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah.

[D]

Freeman. Damn,

[L]

The white people got me, dog. I'm forgetting black people now. I'm up. I'm up.

[B]

That looked really fun. You guys having a good time? That looked really fun.

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

You were crushing at the Orlando Improv. That was good. And look at you now. Come on, now you're grinding. It's good for you. Hell yeah. Very proud of you.

[L]

Working our asses off.

[I]

I tell you.

[B]

Good for you. You have to. I do feel you. You crushed harder than. Than Leno's dad with that bat. There's a joke there somewhere. But yeah, you. You're murdering tonight. That's what I'm saying.

[L]

I killed his dad.

[B]

Okay.

[L]

I don't know why I said that. Take that out, please.

[B]

Cam, you. You're definitely. You. Don't waste your words is what I appreciate. You're getting tied in with your jokes.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

A very natural editor. It's very, very visible on these shows that. That we're doing on the road in massive theaters. Cam has a brand new tour coming up. Where are those tickets at?

[L]

Cam so funny. No. Yeah. Cancel fighter dot com. I pretty say that's.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Cam with one S. So funny.

[L]

Two O's.

[B]

Two O's.

[A]

Two Os.

[L]

Cam. Cam so funny.

[A]

Oh, God, yeah. Oh, that's a terrible idea.

[C]

I made that.

[B]

I made that.

[A]

Do you hate selling tickets? You'd be better with sew it. Like sew.

[L]

Well, somebody tell my dad that. He don't know the difference.

[A]

Your dad that literally can't spell. Oh, you got to be kidding me. Your dad came up with your website. D. That's a great.

[L]

We put two o's on.

[A]

He literally thought he was spelling it correctly.

[D]

This is. This is when. This is where having a father hurts you,

[A]

Cam. You're absolutely killing it. Thank you for reminding everybody how good a second be on this show.

[B]

Great to see you, player.

[A]

Two years in the game, by the way. Cam Patterson. Two years. So you see what's going on. We're back to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Let's see what happens here. You've seen how crazy it can get. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted by Davey Jackson. The Kill Tony debut or reappearance of Davey Jackson.

[I]

So I've been trying out some new jerk off techniques. Actually invented a couple new techniques. Not to brag, but one of them is very similar to the Stranger. I feel like the Kill Tony universe is pretty familiar with the stranger. All right. Yeah. For those of you that don't know, it's a jerk off technique where you sit on your own hand until it goes numb and then you jerk off and it feels like a stranger's jerking you off. Yeah, pretty cool technique. I can't take credit for that one. I did not invent it. But the one I invented is actually very similar, though. It's called the reverse stranger. That's right. It's where you sit on your own dick. Until it goes numb, then you jerk off and it feels like you're jerking off a stranger. Pretty fucking cool, guys. That's a good one. Not a bad technique.

[M]

Yeah,

[I]

that's a good one. This final technique is the one I'm most excited about. Been trying it out a lot. It's where you sit on someone else's dick until it goes numb. And that is actually just gay. It's very, very gay. Been going through a lot. Pretty confused. I'm Davy Jackson. Thank you.

[A]

There you go. Davey Jackson. Welcome back. You've been on this show before?

[I]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I remember you well. So welcome back.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

How's life going for you?

[I]

It's good, man. I got too confident and put my hair in a ponytail tonight night, which I. I felt good about. But then one of my friends told me I look like a founding father. I was pretty upset about that.

[A]

Hell, yeah, Hell yeah.

[I]

Forefathers. I'm trying to a girl with no fathers, you know.

[A]

Wow, look at this. He was ready. Ready for an interview on Kill Tony. This is incredible. Almost someone that seemed like they wanted to be on a comedy show. Crazy. How's the pollen affecting you today,

[C]

bro?

[I]

I don't know what that's in reference to, but I've been snorting a lot of coke, so I don't know if

[K]

it's the pollen or.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

Where's the craziest place you've done cocaine at?

[I]

Off of miss Doubt Flamer's tits, I guess.

[B]

Doubt Flamer now without was doubtful. Was that a joke or is that a slip up?

[A]

I think he's calling you a gay Mrs. Doubtfire.

[B]

Okay, fair enough. Well, you just talked yourself out of a titty my. So the joke's on you. Sit on your own dick again, huh?

[A]

Oh boy. Oh my God. Sipping on the sisurp over here. The great Elaine. Okay, so Davey Jackson, we. I remember you used to sell what, pain pills or oxycontin or something like that.

[I]

What was it any pills?

[A]

Right, you were selling pills. What are you up to nowadays?

[E]

Days?

[I]

I just got a hernia.

[B]

Yeah, okay.

[A]

How'd you do that?

[D]

Congratulations.

[I]

Literally blowing my nose too hard. My guts popped out.

[A]

Wow. How old are you?

[I]

What's that?

[A]

How old are you?

[D]

40.

[I]

Boy.

[A]

God, that's scary. Oh my God.

[B]

Yeah, just wait till I get my age A starts growing pubic hairs. Why don't you sit on your own dick again, huh? No, I'm sorry. It sucks getting older sucks, I'm gonna tell you. So the hernia thing, I feel bad for you. Well, how'd you. How'd you fix it? What'd you do?

[I]

I haven't gotten it fixed yet. It's still there. I have to go for surgery. So guess who's re upping on pain pills. Let's go, let's go.

[A]

Okay. Business is a booming. What's your love life like right now? You're a good looking guy. Ponytail energies.

[I]

I appreciate that that.

[A]

Dude, it's.

[I]

It's right now, actually.

[A]

How's that possible?

[I]

Dude, I think I. All the Latin girls in San Antonio, I think I just ran through all of them. Okay, so I'm having to go to white girls and they're boring as holy. Y' all are boring.

[B]

What's the difference between a Latin girl

[I]

and a white girl?

[B]

Yes.

[I]

Literally everything. Yeah, see, there they are.

[D]

Yeah, run down the list. Run down the list.

[A]

One makes you peanut butter and jelly Sandwiches. The other one stabs you.

[I]

There we go.

[B]

That's a big difference.

[I]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Who's crazy? They come with kids, right?

[I]

And that's great. I mean, I love kids. Not like that, but I.

[A]

Okay, I walked into that one.

[B]

You do dress like a softball coach that beats the children, which is a tough gig to get.

[I]

I wore the vest tonight. I thought Tony would be wearing one too.

[A]

I am. I am a big supporter of the vest. Thank you. BL Just got a new one this weekend. My friend gave me a new vest. I'm excited about it. It's got a fur interior. You'll probably see it on the next episode of Kill. Tony vests are fun. When I first got here, I started dressing like a cowboy for a while. And then I'm looking out and like, the real cowboys wear vests. Like, you're from Texas. Yeah, yeah, exactly. See what I mean? Like, and I'm like, wait, what's the thing with the vest? And I'm like, it's weird because your arms are gonna get chilly and your body's gonna be warm. I don't get it. And then I try it. Unbelievable. It looks so cool. It's unbelievable. It's a no brainer.

[G]

A purse.

[A]

It's also a fanny pack. A purse, you name it. It connects everything. Instead of having a big bundle of keys, you know what I mean? For all the. For all the natural amenities that you have in your life. You know what I mean? In your pocket. You have them in your vest pocket.

[I]

He's talking about drugs, people. What the.

[B]

Do you wear a condom when you first.

[A]

Oh, well, when he's with a Latina chick. Yes.

[I]

I. I try to. I really do try to, but it's. It's actually the Latin girls that. It just ends up coming off every time.

[A]

Yeah. Did they take it off or do you take it off? Or is it.

[I]

It's a joint effort, I think, to

[A]

just disappear from wishful thinking.

[I]

They just snatch it up in their.

[B]

Oh, okay. Not even. I. I didn't even like that the way you said that. Yeah, that was. And I've been offering up free titty fucks, but that one's crossing the line, sir.

[A]

Davey, you already have a big joke book, right?

[I]

I do, yes.

[A]

Well, we're just gonna. Red band. I would like to have you on the secret show Thursday. On a real show, a real setup, a real Punchline, a real 60 seconds from Davey Jackson. This handwriting is pretty bad, but I'm gonna try this anyway. Anyway. It's Jose. Oh, how About a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody make sure you follow her. Gina with three A's. HG or something like that, I don't know. Camsofunny.com figure it out. All right, this last name is a tough one. His is out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jose. Vanes or Vanelas or Oyos. Here he is, Jose. Everybody make some notes for Jose. These people wait all day for this.

[C]

I used to. I used to weigh well over £300.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Doctors kept calling me weird names like severely unhealthy or morbidly obese. I just thought I was round and lovable. I also suffered from what I believe a lot of people also struggle with in this room. It's called behavior. Being stupid. I only say I was stupid because I let my mom do my back to school shopping at Tractor Supply. Yeah. She got me a shirt, had a picture of a barn on it. It said, and I quote, what happens in the barn, stays in the barn. That's bestiality 101.

[B]

Guys.

[C]

I don't know what to tell you.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

All right, before I go, I have a buddy, his name's Nick. Every time I see him I go, hey, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. Nickelodeon. You guys get it. It's cause he's a pedophile.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

Wow. All right. Okay, Jose, how do you say that last name?

[C]

Ornelas.

[A]

Ornelas. Wow. Okay. Hi Jose. How long you been doing stand up in New York, Tony?

[C]

A little over a year.

[A]

You are in New York?

[B]

No, sir.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. Where at? Almost having San Marcos. Where?

[C]

Ah, San Antonio.

[A]

San Antonio, sir.

[C]

You're close.

[A]

You're close dialed in. I am. I can tell you the free way to get there right now. That's the New York of Texas. It is, it is. San Marcos is the the least, least funny part of Texas. Okay, Jose, God awful appearance. I mean, unbelievably bad. Incredible.

[B]

Yeah. You made Andrew Ginsburg look like Dave Chappelle.

[A]

So you brought the show down to a new low. You've seen the show before, correct?

[C]

Oh, I mean, of course not, sir.

[A]

You haven't seen the show.

[C]

I mean, I've seen clips, I've seen what happens.

[A]

But do you know what happens at this part?

[C]

Yeah, this is where I get flamed.

[A]

Well, not necessarily. Can you tell us interesting things about your life that maybe would have been more interesting for you to talk about tonight? In your minute? Any fun facts about you that you think makes you different than everybody else here?

[C]

Different than everybody? Well, first of All I'm me.

[A]

All right.

[H]

Type, type.

[C]

First of all, thank you.

[A]

What?

[B]

Huh?

[A]

What'd you just say? Did you just say I'm me?

[C]

I'm me.

[A]

Oh, we're all you. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

[B]

You want something real.

[C]

You want something real. You want something real? Elementary school, right? I was feeling not too good. I went to use the restroom. I had to take a number two. And then I threw up in my underwear.

[A]

You know what?

[C]

I still had to walk to class to tell my teacher, hey, hey, I. I gotta go to the nurse.

[M]

So.

[B]

Did you or did you not? Your pants.

[A]

Oh, I know I In the toilet,

[C]

but I threw up in my pants. Have you ever done that?

[B]

No.

[H]

Exactly.

[B]

Are you talking about New Lowe's, dude?

[C]

New Lows.

[A]

Peyton, stop. You're gonna make it funny.

[B]

Sorry,

[A]

Jose, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna save you. I'm gonna get you out of here right now.

[M]

Don't do that.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna do it. You gotta go, buddy. No joke book, no little joke book. No big joke book. Prepare. Next time, do a minute of stand up comedy. It's okay. There he goes, Jose, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Jose. But you know what? I want to do something really special right now because, you know, we've seen some bombs tonight. We've. We've hit some lows. And you saw Cam Patterson bring it back. You saw Casey Rocket come out with energy and silliness and fun punchlines. Let's do something really, really fun. When you hear that noise, you know some shit's about to go down. Someone, one of our regulars, has taken a long hiatus to prepare for his rematch at the Forum. It has been months since this man has done a minute on the show. If you know the words, sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Campbell.

[K]

Told you it's not easy. I love it here in Texas because I can say retard here. Just can't jerk off to them anymore. Just gotta picture it in your head like the good old days.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Love the ladies.

[K]

You know, a lot of ladies get mad at me because they send me nudes and I don't send nudes in return. I'm like, why would I return a gift with a felony? I was recently in San Francisco. It's the Mecca of Asians. I love San Francisco. It's the only place Asian women have asses. I was like, holy shit, is that an Asian girl with an ass or a 12 year old Latino boy?

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Wow. Hans Kim, I miss you, buddy.

[K]

I miss you too, Tony.

[A]

Wow. The pop from the crowd was insane. The return of one of the all time greats. You've watched him write and perform hundreds and hundreds of minutes on this show and here he is back better than ever. Still Asian. You could tell that he's coming off a weekend with me in Utah, which keeps being a running theme on the show because I did take him and Cam Patterson and Casey Rockett to Utah. And Hans is the only one baller enough to go straight to the airport and buy a shirt, try to get the people on his side right from the arrival. How did you end up with the Utah hoodie like that?

[K]

I for I didn't check the weather. I thought it'd be like Texas. Beautiful and habitable to human beings.

[A]

Uhhuh. Unless you're allergic to pollen. O it makes you unfunny. I don't know if you guys have the same reaction to pollen as Andrew Ginsberg, but did you happen to see Andrew Ginsberg earlier?

[K]

Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was there. I Apparently he's allergic to gym jokes.

[A]

My sweet, sweet Hans Kim. Elaine, what do you think about Hans?

[B]

Well, as far as Asian comedians go, you're pretty good. I. No, Hans, you're very funny. Your jokes are always on point. You're always writing the new stuff. What is. So you got to Utah, What'd you see? What you. What'd you do?

[K]

I mean, Utah was great. Women are very beautiful. They're Mormons. They're beautiful, but they don't put out. So you can look but don't touch. That was my policy. But I did do a little bit of touching.

[A]

There you go, Hans.

[B]

How does Hans Kim find. What's your move on the road? You know what I'm saying? You slide into DMs, what do you do?

[K]

I just hang around and wait for someone famous to invite women to the show.

[A]

What? Okay. What the fuck, Hans? I don't even know what you're talking about.

[L]

Good.

[A]

Why would I do that? I'm gay, remember? I love being gay. It's a song. Ooh, penis in the butt.

[E]

Hey,

[A]

there you go. Thank you Redman for the easy out there. Okay? I love it, Hans. Anything else we should know about? What do you promote? What do you want to plug something?

[K]

I'm in like North Carolina. South Carolina, coming up soon, doing a bunch of dates there. So check it out on my website.

[A]

I have also in north and South Korea coming up. Okay, what else?

[K]

I am in an open relationship, so feel free to take advantage of that.

[A]

Hans Is what you think he is. He's brutally honest and ridiculously horny.

[B]

What's the oldest chick you've been with? Hans, would you say Elaine, what's the oldest chick you've been with?

[K]

Probably like 68.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

Oh my God. Hold on. This might be we the guy that I've interviewed the most that's been on this show tonight and we find this out right? Right now.

[K]

Yeah, Elaine brought it out of me.

[A]

Yeah, well, I like to put it in me. Tell us about this 68 year old Hans. Where were you?

[K]

I was in Seattle, Washington doing open mics. And you know, this is Asian. She was a grandmother or. No, she was just a mother, I guess she had a really young daughter and yeah, I didn't meet the daughter. There was no weirdness, but.

[D]

So you don't think the 68 was weird?

[A]

So wait, she saw you at an open mic and she's like, you're funny, come back to my place.

[K]

She never said I was funny, but okay. I pictured it in my head.

[A]

You went back to her place?

[K]

Yes.

[A]

Okay, tell us how this goes down exactly.

[K]

It was great.

[E]

Yeah.

[K]

She actually did this thing where I was in missionary and then she put her legs in between mine and she squeezed and it was like. It was like a 49 year old vagina.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Elaine, do you know about this move?

[B]

Well, I do know that if you 69 to 68 year old you get a free bowl of chicken fried rice if it's Asian on Asian, which sounds like it was. Yeah, yeah. Now are you mostly, are you only attracted to old Asians or of a sneak in there?

[K]

I'm attracted to, you know, young Asians, but yeah, I was an open mic micro. That was all I could get.

[A]

Wow.

[K]

But she was great.

[A]

Okay. Did you wear a condom?

[K]

I think so, yeah. She was pretty responsible.

[A]

68 year old.

[D]

Yeah.

[K]

She probably had a lot of history.

[A]

She probably did.

[D]

It's not like you could get a pregnant, so I guess you was good.

[B]

No, if it's over 60, I can vouch H, there's a lot of stuff up. I've got a DVD of Frasier in my right now,

[A]

so I can confirm. I see the corner of it hanging out. There really is a DVD of Frasier in Elaine's right now. Right B, what was she wearing? Like, was she like sweatpants? She had two bags like she have a samurai sword on her? Something like that? Some type of.

[B]

What she have Hans?

[A]

Was she wearing a Asian takeout box?

[K]

She looked a lot like Elaine's outfit. Tonight? No, she looked like a young. You know, everything looked great until, you know, the face was a little old, but sure. Other than that, it looked like it wasn't what I was doing.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I don't know if that last sentence added up. For now. What's your move with a 68 year old? That's my last question. What's your. What's your move? How do you.

[J]

How you do?

[B]

Do you grease the wheels?

[K]

I'm just like, hey, you got any cookies for me? Or, you know, I. I'll sit on your lap. You know, I'm down.

[B]

And she's like, you ever heard of Andrew Ginsburg?

[K]

Yeah, he's got allergies, I think. Is that him? Yeah, he's. He's a great guy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What. When do you think you made her orgasm?

[K]

Definitely not.

[A]

Definitely not. What happened exactly? Did you not last long?

[K]

No, she was just like, I'm 68. I'm not going to let you make me come like that.

[A]

Wow. She told you that?

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

God. See how asking another question sometimes gets you to the end zone? She told you specifically that you weren't going to make her come?

[D]

Yeah, she could tell. She's like, you're not good enough.

[B]

Did.

[A]

Did she a massage therapist or something?

[E]

Like, what was she like?

[A]

You know, what she do? You know what she did for work?

[K]

No, she was just normal Asian.

[A]

So. Yes. What was their place like?

[K]

It was like a house in Seattle. Two stories. Pretty. Pretty nice.

[A]

You walked in and you just heard. I actually know that song.

[B]

Did you just play that?

[A]

Yeah, that was me. John, stop. Let me shine for a second.

[B]

Stop playing it right.

[A]

Oh, I'm backwards. I'm backwards pretty good. I'm trying my best. Other way. Shut up, muling. You ate a hamburger during sound check. You. He's trying to get revenge on me. Over here. Play it raw. Wait, no one cares about the notes.

[B]

I can play the joke. There you go.

[A]

Oh, my God. God damn it.

[D]

I know.

[B]

That was it.

[A]

The OCD and the MSG are all mixing right now. This is incredible. All right, Hans, you're a legend. His first appearance in months.

[K]

Thank you, Tony.

[A]

Do you want to say anything to Rick Diaz out there?

[B]

There?

[A]

I'm sure he's watching.

[K]

You're a bad person and everyone's gonna know it soon.

[A]

Wow, he's looking for his second victory in a row. Hans Kim, live from the Forum in Los Angeles. Kill Tony makes its return to LA at the Kia Forum. What a special treat, huh? All right, the show's going long, but let's get one more bucket. Pull out here, make some noise. Sweet. Your next comedian. 60 seconds for Maddie G, everybody. Maddie G.

[M]

Do. Do gay guys queef? I think Covid tests are a lot like STD tests. If you don't take it, you don't have it. I've been taking biotin to grow out all my facial hair. I didn't know that biotin was a hair supplement for all your hair. I got a bush down there.

[E]

So.

[M]

Yeah, now every time I want to take a dick pic, I gotta hire a team of Mexicans just to come over. I basically been taking Scott's turf builder for my balls. Yeah, it's a real jungle down there. Jose does good work, though. He makes my little bonsai tree look like a giant sequoia. Thank you.

[A]

Let me tell you something.

[D]

Here's.

[A]

Let me tell you. I'm gonna surprise everybody right now. Cause you're like, oh, shit. Tony's gonna go blast holistic. But you know what? You know what I liked about that? You bombed eloquently. It was beautiful. And with no tricks. No shaky mic. No, and I'll be honest, no selling. You didn't try to trick us. You tried your material that you thought would work. You delivered it like it worked. And then you kept going. You did the next thing. Ian Edwards, I agree with you.

[D]

And he's not from New York.

[A]

Well, I don't know. I think there's a chance you visited there recently. Am I correct?

[M]

No, sir.

[A]

Oh, okay. Perfect.

[D]

Thank God.

[A]

How long you been doing standup?

[M]

This is probably my, like, 10th mic.

[A]

Oh, adorable. You're doing just fine. Eight years, six years. You did better than those guys.

[M]

Those guys.

[A]

Okay, so how old are you?

[M]

I am 26.

[A]

What do you do for a living?

[M]

I'm a mechanical designer.

[A]

What does that mean exactly?

[M]

I make desks for schools and everything like that. Lab equipment, too.

[A]

Okay, very cool. What do you do for fun? Motorcycle?

[M]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[M]

I go. I go fishing and stuff like that.

[E]

Yeah, fishing.

[A]

What else? Stuff like that.

[M]

I used to sell guns, actually.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[M]

Illegally, Legally and legally.

[A]

Okay. There you go.

[B]

You ever steal a bicycle from a retard?

[M]

No, I can't say.

[A]

They call it a tricycle. That doesn't make any sense. All right, now I'm bombing. It's contagious up here. It's gone airborne. It's. Guys, don't worry. It's the pollen. All right, so, Matty G, most interesting thing about you. You have any special skills or talents?

[M]

Probably that. I did sell guns during COVID that was kind of crazy. People would come in with, like, their face mask still on, and I would sell them a gun.

[B]

Is that the end of the story?

[M]

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah. They'd come in, they'd say, hey, I want that gun. I'd be like, yes, sir. Right away.

[B]

You should open with that.

[M]

Thanks.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

What is happening right now?

[A]

Yeah, it's okay. We're gonna get there. Matty G, you've seen the show before. What's something interesting in this interview portion that you think you might want to bring up at this part? Makes you different than everybody else.

[M]

Covid was actually really good to me.

[A]

Yeah. Tell me more.

[M]

Yeah, so like I said, I sold guns, so I would be the first one to, like, see all the ammo. And for some reason, everybody would want ammo during COVID I don't know. They wanted to shoot Covid, I guess. I don't know.

[A]

Know.

[M]

And I would take it, and I would, like, buy it at a discount.

[A]

Where was this at? What city is this?

[M]

Austin, Texas.

[A]

Okay. Covid also lined up with the BLM movement, didn't it?

[M]

Yeah, it did. Yeah. So everybody was going crazy.

[A]

You think it was Covid? Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that there were riots in the streets in the many major cities? You're blaming it on a. No, I didn't want to. I didn't want to say it. Ian, you're getting defensive. Like, I'm a New York comedian.

[D]

I am defensive, but. But I live in California. Right. So the first day of COVID I was in Burbank, and everybody was.

[A]

He's so stupid. He thinks you guys will recognize the Tonight show theme because. Because it's filmed in Burbank. You literally just cut off Ian for that and. And reference.

[D]

Everybody was buying guns. Everybody.

[H]

It was.

[D]

I didn't even know they had gun shops in Burbank.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Until that.

[A]

They have that one across from, like, the Costco or something. It's a big one, but there's, like,

[D]

more than you could, like, I'm just driving down the street, and I see line there, line there. I don't know what people thought was going to happen during COVID but when he says he works in a gun shop and he sold a lot of guns, like, I get it.

[A]

What's the most suspicious gun you've ever sold? Did you ever sell one to a guy named Jerry Carlin?

[M]

No, but I did have this one situation where this two. This couple came in. White dude from, like, East Texas, and He was, like, looking at the gun, and then all of a sudden, when it came time to do the paperwork for the gun, he was like, nah, he's gonna get it. He's gonna buy it. And it was just like this black dude, so.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Did you say it like that?

[A]

We're checking. We're gonna go to our senior African American correspondent, Ian Edwards here for another moment. Yeah, now it's his theme song. It's no longer the Tonight show theme. Hit that Ian Edwards theme for us. Red band. It's time for our black correspondent.

[D]

Hey, man, do me favor a favor and say black dude again.

[A]

Black dude.

[C]

W.

[A]

Gotta give him credit. He said it pretty well.

[D]

He did. He did say it pretty well.

[A]

Like.

[D]

Like you ever stole somebody a gun and they later on saw them on the news.

[M]

Yes, actually.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

I knew it.

[A]

Great question. Ian Edwards from Half Court. I love it. Yeah, there he is. That's why guy. He is our senior African American correspondent live on this scene.

[D]

Now tell us about this white guy you saw on the news. Oh, and did he perform earlier tonight and have on glasses?

[M]

He killed himself.

[A]

Oh, wait. Oopsie daisy. Okay. Oopsie daisy.

[B]

Thanks for coming. Holy.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

What the.

[A]

All right, Maddie, here's a little joke, but good stuff, buddy. Get out of here. Go. S. Go. The show's going too long. We're in overtime right now. But I realized we didn't have a female standup comedian tonight, so in order to make up for that, I pulled out of the bucket until I got a lady. You guys ready for your final bucket pull of the night stand, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Kelly Quinn, everybody. Kelly Quinn.

[N]

My husband always gives me grief for saving all my fast food napkins in his car. I tend to value worthless things like our children. He also values who isn't real fond of the fact that I like true crime podcasts. He says he's worried for my soul, and he should be worried because statistically, I am the most likely to murder him. He's a history buff, and he's fine with war. I guess domestic homicide is just not in a big enough volume. But it does answer for me the question of nurture or nature. He is German. We are almost empty nesters, so I thought we should travel more. He said yes, we should take the path of Lewis and Clark from Pittsburgh to the Oregon coast. It's 4,900 miles. We'll go through 60 native territories. It'll be badass. I thought it would be nice to go to Dallas.

[A]

There you go, Kelly Quinn. I saved you from the bear there. I knew you were about to get to it. Great stuff, Kelly.

[N]

Thanks.

[A]

Adorable. How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

It'll be two years in August.

[A]

Two years in August.

[B]

Congratulations.

[A]

This is one of your high school friends, right? Elaine.

[B]

I think we go to the same stylist slash gynecologist.

[N]

She's doing better on you.

[B]

Well, no, you look good. You look good.

[A]

No, you're adorable. Very, very interesting, Kelly. So you started two years ago. What made you start? You seem like the kind of person that would. That would write blogs about how you hate stand up comedy and about how it's ruining society. And here you are out here doing it, calling your children worthless with a big smile, having fun, thriving. I love to see it. Normally you're asking for the manager and here you are out here. People are. There's a ruckus in the crowd. People are breaking glasses over their heads. They're so excited for you.

[N]

It's Kelly, not Karen.

[A]

Oh, did I call you Karen?

[N]

You said I'd ask for a manager.

[D]

You do look like a Karen.

[A]

Yeah, absolutely. No doubt about it. Have you ever asked for the manager?

[N]

I have, but to give compliments.

[A]

Whoa, look at that.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

She's like, wow. Yeah. Bizarro Karen.

[D]

That's not true.

[B]

What's the nicest thing you said to a waiter at a restaurant?

[N]

Nice apple.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Whoa. Wow. Amazing. What race was that person?

[N]

I don't know.

[A]

Oh, she doesn't see color, everybody. And for that we're going to check in with our senior African American correspondent, Ian Edwards. Here we go. Hey. She doesn't see color, Ian.

[D]

To be honest, I checked out when she said my husband. No, but pretty good shit. Like two years. You know, there's been some dudes up here who have claimed that allegedly they've been doing comedy for seven and eight years and that they're from fucking New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So you've done considerably better than them.

[A]

Where do you live, Callie?

[N]

Wichita Falls, Texas.

[A]

Wichita Falls. Ooh, a big pop from the crowd. Where is that?

[N]

It's like five hours some. Which way? I don't know. North? Ish. It's like almost Oklahoma.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, that would be north.

[N]

Yep.

[B]

They've got a Dairy Queen there, right?

[A]

Several.

[B]

Several Dairy Queens, yeah. Are you a fan of Dairy Queen?

[N]

I am. I like Brahms better, though.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

That's another ice cream place. Yeah, Brahms is. It's a. Yeah, it's good. I love your smile. Your jokes are tight. You're effervescent you're affable. You look like me after a red band titty. You really.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

Oh, no sound effect. You got shy.

[A]

There you go. A chainsaw is what he came up with on that one. Everybody, a chainsaw. Okay, so, Kelly, did you. You used to have a job? You have a job.

[N]

I have a job. I'm not that old.

[A]

What do you do?

[N]

I am a classic rock dj.

[A]

Are you serious? On like an FM radio station?

[N]

Yes. Real terrestrial radio.

[A]

Wow. Do you have a special DJ name?

[N]

Kelly Quinn.

[A]

Kelly Quinn. In the afternoons.

[N]

Mornings, 9 to 2. So midday.

[B]

So a lot. You're playing a lot of Bare Naked Ladies and Sugar Ray.

[A]

No, no.

[N]

It's classic rock. It's not radio.

[A]

Okay? Right. Goddamn right. That's amazing. And you love classic rock.

[N]

I do.

[A]

Can you give us a little example of you tossing to a song? Can you? Or like what you do in between songs? Can we just hear your true radio voice? Let's all close our eyes. The stylings of Kelly Quinn. Here we go.

[N]

10:47 the bear. Kelly Quinn. That was Pink Floyd. We're going to head into something sweet and sexy like a little Metallica one on 1047 the bear.

[K]

Wow.

[A]

I love it. I love it. And now we're gonna do something special. We're going to have. A lot of people might not know this because I didn't tell you guys, but Elaine also is an afternoon DJ. The afternoon drive with Elaine. 955 KLOS. And. And here is an example of Elaine DJing.

[B]

It's 6:23pm Right now we're playing the Phrase that Pays. John Mayer. We got free John Mayer tickets to see him at the Palladium tonight. Call it the phrase that pays. 102.5. Be careful outside, it's getting dicey. If you're gonna try stand up comedy, put on a mask. Cause there's polin outside. You don't want to up your one chance on kill. Tony calling right now.

[L]

421-1015.

[B]

Get two free John Mayer. Oh, we're gonna take that call right now.

[C]

Hello?

[B]

Yeah, hi, it's me. Red Band. I'm looking for a titty puff.

[A]

Those knees are. Her knees are blown out. She's gonna need to. She's gonna need to hit up Dr. Phil. Take care of those knees after that. Oh, my goodness.

[B]

That was good, though. That was good.

[A]

Callie, you seem like such a sweet, real lady. How your kids are almost out of the house.

[N]

Yes.

[A]

How much longer you got?

[N]

Graduation's May 25th. For my youngest.

[A]

Okay. Are you still with your husband? Do you have a piece of tape around your finger? What is that?

[N]

It's a register receipt from the burger joint. Cause I walked out without my wedding.

[B]

Who hit you?

[A]

You walked out of the burger joint without your wedding ring.

[N]

I walked out of my house without my wedding ring. And so I did what I did. I'm a woman. I improvised.

[A]

So just to let Kim know you're off limits, you wrapped a receipt around your finger. That is adorable. Andrew Ginsburg's the only other comedian that keeps all of his receipts on him that we've had up tonight night. Incredible stuff. One last question before I let you go. What is something that would surprise us about you or shock us about you? You're. You're. You just seem sweet and real. Do you have any guilty pleasures or something like that? Is there something naughty that Kelly Quinn does every once in a while? Perhaps it could be in the bedroom or somewhere. You go.

[N]

I'm.

[C]

You do.

[N]

I'm a big fan of rock concerts and crowd surfing and.

[A]

You crowd surface surf?

[N]

I. I did until I broke my neck a year ago.

[A]

There you go. I had a feeling that was coming. You have real broken neck energies, Kelly. How did you. How did you break your neck?

[N]

Well, I was a college gymnast and I had a real bad fall onto my head. And apparently after like, 25 years, you can grow a bone spur.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

Into your spinal column. And then you can just wake up one morning paralyzed.

[A]

There you go. Absolutely. You thought all the good spurs were in San Antonio. Turns out they're in Wichita Falls, Texas as well. Anything else for Kelly, everybody? Are you free Thursday? Absolutely. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show. Whoa. Kelly Quinn getting a real comedy set. Two years into her career, she's gonna have to make the church drive back from Wichita Falls. And I'll tell you what, I'm gonna give you one of these big joke books, because I know you're actually gonna use it. There she goes. Kelly Quinn, everybody. Look at them two best friends. Look at the shoulders on Elaine. I mean, unbelievable. What type of offensive line woman are you? You are a thick piece of beef, you know that, Elaine?

[B]

Well, I'm also Casey Rocket's bodyguard.

[A]

Oh, wow, look at that. Okay, a show like this, there's only one way to end it. Ladies and gentlemen, the hall of Famer, the record holder of appearances, all time interviews, sets, new minutes. This is him. The Witchita Balls. Wibbly Wobble. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

[G]

First off, Tony, I'm very excited to announce that Punky Johnson and I are officially dating. And she's actually pregnant. April fools. Okay, anybody else jealous they didn't get the invite to Puff Daddy's parties? Everybody's all mad, and I'm all like, oh, yeah, terrible. Maybe I should go undercover to investigate. People are saying Cuba Gooding Jr. Committed a crime. But I'll tell you what the real crime is. He won an Oscar. Oh, a black guy plays an athlete. How'd he get into character? What a stretch. As a defense attorney, I must advise that admitting to shooting the sheriff, but then claiming you didn't shoot the deputy is a bad legal defense. Okay, that's my time. Take your toner.

[A]

A brilliant, brilliant joke there at the end. Shooting the sheriff but not the deputy. Beauty. Wow. Amazing, William. You did it again. Another unbelievable set. Very, very fun. How do you feel?

[G]

I feel pretty good, other than the fact that there is now a dead squirrel up in our chimney and it has been smelling like death for the past three days now, Tony. And I actually had an exterminator man come by today, and he starts telling me, oh, I can't go up on the roof. If I go up on the roof this one way, I'm going to roll off and die. If I go off the other way, I'm going to roll off and die. And I'm like, dude, you're not just. I'm trying to fucking pay you money to get rid of this fucking thing. Why are you just giving me excuses, you dumb piece of shit? This is why you're fucking getting dead squirrels out of people's fucking chimneys. Cause you're a dumbass. You motherfucker. He's giving me all these excuses, Tony, and I just want the smell gone. But it's gonna be Wednesday, so I have to live with it for another couple days.

[D]

That's what happens when your exterminator's last name is Ginsburg.

[A]

Yeah, actually, I'm allergic to squirrels. I can't get up there. I'm allergic to rooftops as well. I do not perform well under these conditions.

[G]

God, Tony, I had to stop myself. I was fucking holding the microphone like those dumb New York pieces of shit.

[A]

Holy shit.

[D]

William. William. They're not from New York.

[A]

Well, that's.

[G]

They. They perform in New York. That's the defining characteristic. I mean, don't try to. I get it. You're from fucking New York, but. But you have to admit, those people were terrible. And I have a dead squirrel in my.

[I]

Yeah, thanks.

[B]

Dumbass. Holy.

[A]

The squirrel in your chimney is probably covered with ash and soot. To talk about this more, we're going to go with our senior African American correspondent. What do you think about that squirrel himself, blackface in the chimney right now.

[D]

And that's the only reason why he's trying to get rid of it, you know?

[G]

I mean, he is racist. As though, Ian. I mean, it's a real racist.

[D]

How am I racist?

[G]

No, the squirrel's racist.

[D]

How's the squirrel. How's the dead squirrel racist?

[G]

He's been saying the N word a bunch and I'm like, dude, I can't fucking. I can't do this shit. He's trying to get me to say the N word to Ian, but I haven't been saying it. I haven't been saying it.

[D]

Listen, even. Even when you say just the nword, I hear the, er.

[G]

Well, that was a long time ago, Ian. Now I'm kidding.

[A]

It is amazing. Elaine, what do you think?

[B]

William, you're very likable. You don't look like you've bathed in a while, but that's okay. What does your shirt say?

[G]

It says storage, et cetera. It's the people. Christina Gonzalez. It's the place where I was working right before the pandemic, and I still hope Christina Gonzalez is dead. And in hell she was.

[A]

Was that your boss?

[G]

Yeah. She was a stupid fucking Latina woman, which said the details don't matter on that, but she was a stupid fat bitch and I would catch her stupid fucking ass. This is when I was drinking and doing blow all the time. So I'd show up fucking hungover as fuck, and she would be sleeping in the break room and I would take pictures of the security camera and she would get mad. And there was one time, Ian, I did have a good George Floyd joke during the pandemic, and I'm good friends with the two black guys who I'm working with. And she has bad intention telling them that I was some racist person. It was bullshit. It was. She's a dumbass.

[D]

What was the George Floyd joke?

[A]

Yeah, what was the George Floyd joke?

[G]

I. I heard George Floyd's last wishes were to make change for a 20.

[A]

Oh, boy. And with that, we check in with our senior African American correspondent, Ian Edwards. What do we think about the joke?

[D]

Just. Just based on that, I feel like he murdered that black squirrel.

[A]

Yeah, there were. There were red. Red hairs around the corner. Corpse. William, you did it again. We fucking love you. It doesn't get much better. Than that. Right? Elaine, what do you think?

[B]

You're unbelievable. You've got. You've got. You just. It's. You can't. You can smell the mental illness on you. But. But you're dressed like all the people in high school that I really. That I admired. You know, you. You. You dressed. Do you. Do you dress yourself?

[G]

Well, I've just. I can't stop looking at your fucking nasty neck. You old bitch. It looks just like the fucking squirrel

[A]

that's dead in my ch.

[B]

Okay, you know what? I was waiting for somebody to make fun of my neck and I think I had it. This neck looks like all the. That you with your tiny inch dick. And you know what?

[G]

Who's a funny God and you're stupid God. Let me see them titties. I can't believe you let your girl walk out like that. Dumbass.

[B]

That is my daughter's friend. You stop that,

[C]

William.

[B]

I guess I'm getting angry because. Well, I get angry when I get turned on. Red Band music.

[A]

Oh, here you go.

[B]

Thank you for being a friend. Traveling down around and back. I guess what I'm trying to say, William. I've never seen a ginger. I like. I've traveled the world. I've seen everything. And tonight has been the greatest night of my life. Come here. We've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks and. In fact, I almost had a heart attack tonight. But that's what you get

[A]

when you

[B]

sign up for kill Tony.

[A]

You try your best.

[B]

You hold it on your side.

[A]

It's locked.

[B]

And if you strike out, go back

[A]

home and call me for a kitty box. You call me for a titty bump. Call me for a titty bump.

[B]

Everybody call me for a titty buck.

[A]

Call me for a titty buck. Just the black guys call me for kitty box. Just the Asian women call me for kitty box. Just Joe Rogan, Chuck Williams. There you go. Powerful, Powerful. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Skylight Frame. Game time. If they're still sponsors, we'd like to thank them. How about one more time for the great William Montgomery? I don't think there's a comedian in the world that could possibly do better than that.

[B]

Wait, I wrote a couple jokes down.

[A]

Keep the music on. Wait a second. Wait a second.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, for a titty fuck. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Just keep. Keep the music going. Keep the music going.

[A]

Thanks for Elaine, everybody.

[B]

So I met Tony. I met tonight a couple weeks ago and he said you come by the mother's ship. And try. And this is a real honor. This is my favorite show in the entire world. So thank you so much for letting

[A]

me be a part of the mothership.

[B]

I wrote a couple jokes real quick. Hans doesn't believe in God, but he believes in Godzilla. Fuck. Shit. If Cam Patterson's here, who's punching women in the streets of New York? Fuck. I don't know. Casey Rocket looks like the first person to OD on cookies. Fuck, Hans. Cam, you look like an Asian Disney character named Gook Fee. What else? Okay, Cam likes rocks. Casey smokes rocks. Casey, you look like the dollar store version of Kyle Rittenhouse. Shit. Comedy hasn't come easy to Hans. It takes a lot of drive, which is hard when you're Asian. Oh, boy. And then I just got some. Some. Some pickup lines from Red Band that he texted me late in the middle of the night. Are you Hurricane Katrina? Cause you're blowing me away with your hot tits. Can I come on your back? What else? What else? Cam looks like his first special was released on a ring doorbell camera. Call me for a titty bottle.

[A]

Ian Edwards. Follow him on Instagram. IaneDwards Comics. Follow Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube right now, as the new crowd work special is out. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is unbelievable. Adam ray comedy on YouTube. Addie and Edwardscomic on Instagram. How about one more time for the best damn man in the land? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernanda Gastillo, Michael Gonzalez. The great Nick Lewis on the base, John Knees on the keys and Matt Muling on guitar. The drawing room. Ryan J. Belts. Incredible. Ryan J. Belt.com let's see what local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Whoa. William and Cam or Casey Rocket. William and Cam. Casey, you gotta love it. Another very fun episode. Red Band. Check out that secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. Atx.comninjabuses.com thank you. There are transport this weekend in Dallas and Houston. Very fun stuff. Thank you to everybody, including the audience. God bless you guys. Good night, everyone. The four of Madison Square Garden. Sam,

[C]

The sun sets.

[A]

Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open.

[H]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[A]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.