#661 - TONY HAWK - HARLAND WILLIAMS - IAN FIDANCE

Summary

Kill Tony #661 Summary – Main Guests: Tony Hawk, Harland Williams, Ian Fidance
Recorded at the Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX – April 30, 2024

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Episode Overview

This Kill Tony episode delivers a wild, energetic night of live comedy, featuring legendary skateboarder Tony Hawk’s first appearance, comedian Harland Williams (returning as a guest of the year front-runner), and rising comedic favorite Ian Fidance. As always, host Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban set the stage for both regulars and bucket comedians to perform a tight 60 seconds of stand-up, followed by panel interviews and signature rapid-fire roasts. The episode culminates with legendary roasts, surprise musical performances, and plenty of unpredictable moments that define the Kill Tony experience.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Highlights

1. Introduction & Guest Entrances

• High-energy start as Tony Hinchcliffe introduces the night’s special guests: Harland Williams, Tony Hawk (his first time), and Ian Fidance.
  “The return of one of the great comedians from New York with a brand new special coming out... And the greatest skateboarder of all time.” [02:31]
• The panel quickly establishes a comedic rapport, with Harland launching into a surreal bit about his sister’s misaligned eyes and running "devry night school" jokes.
  • Harland: “She’s watching from two different rooms.” [04:58]

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2. Comedian Sets & Panel Interactions

Casey Rocket (Regular)

• Delivers a bizarre, dreamlike set involving "Inception" and a relationship with the Mucinex mascot.
  • Casey: “Every time I feel this little slimy hand slipping over... and he sets me straight, he says, it’s okay, baby.” [07:06]
• Interview covers his retiring as a club door guy, emotional state, and mock plans involving assassinations and absurd, escalating ambitions.
• Highlights:
  • Ian: “I think he gets prettier every time.” [12:24]
  • Harland: “About 20 minutes ago, were you deep throating someone?” [13:28]

Bald Mic (Bucket Pull)

• Talks about growing up with alopecia & misperceptions, leading to a classic Kill Tony roast-and-mentor session:
  • Tony Hawk: “I like the punctuation with ‘dying ass’.” [16:45]
  • Harland demonstrates "goofy face" comedy—mentoring on how to salvage a dead punchline. [18:29]
  • The panel sharpies on eyebrows and "gay" onto his forehead, continuing physical gags throughout the night. [22:00]
  • Ian: “He looks like a hairless cat you wish would be over his nine lives.” [21:36]

Josie Marcelino (Bucket Pull - Debut)

• Opens with: “I’m autistic and bisexual like every other annoying bitch.” [24:31]
• Dives into jokes about flags (proving her expertise), deadpan about her body and past weight loss, playful crowd interactions.
  • Tony: “You look like the pornhub version of Sarah Huckabee Sanders.” [25:06]
  • Josie: “I look like Velma on ketamine is what I always say.” [94:52]
  • Loses composure slightly meeting Tony Hawk live.
  • Covers weight loss, flags, tattoo meanings, and Philly-Austin culture shock.

Helena (Bucket Pull - First Timer)

• Delivers a highly controversial set themed around slavery and auctions, roasting herself for being from Utah, twitchy interviews about black friends, and lucid dreams.
  • Harland: “It’s refreshing to see comedy with a KKK.” [36:32]
  • Panel presses her on her black friends (can’t name any real ones), roasts her small lips and electrician profession.

Cam Patterson (Regular)

• Sets focus on his experience adapting from stealing as a kid to “white-person” stealing (tax write-offs), an impactful set championed by Tony.
  • Cam: “Now when I see something I could steal, I go ‘I could buy it and write it off on my taxes.’” [42:12]
  • Confesses to bombing in Houston, but shares lessons learned about timing. Tony Hawk offers to teach him to skate.
  • Harland gives him a mock diploma ("Devry comedy night school").

Gordon Dixon (Bucket Pull)

• Tells wild story about hooking up with an elderly woman (partly based in truth), backup singing with "The JWs" (his Jehovah’s Witness family band), struggles after losing job.
  • Tony: “You have a face for screen printing, that’s for sure. No doubt about it.” [21:31]
  • Gordon leads the crowd in a Motown singalong ("Celebration"), confirms his tattoos.

Sunshine (Bucket Pull)

• Bizarre, colorful highwire set; dresses like a toddler, jokes about carnivals and her own quirks.
  • Harland: “Can I call you Melanoma?” [71:01]
  • Panel presses on her hygiene, living situation, and gives her a joke book in her overalls.

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3. Roast Battles & Notable Panel Moments

David Lucas (Kill Tony Hall of Famer) Set & Roast Off

• Destroys the room with an opening about seatbelt extenders and flying first class, riffs on American anti-trans vs. “anti-trying” issues.
  • “They hold that seatbelt extender in the air like a WCW championship belt.” [78:05]
• Epic, rapid-fire roast exchange with Harland Williams:
  • Harland: “Well, at least I’m not back to the buffet.” [80:00]
  • Lucas: “You look like Tyler Perry presents Back to the Future.” [80:45]
  • Harland: “You look like Predator sent his kid to Jenny Craig.” [83:38]
  • They volley crowd-pleasing, creative insults for several minutes, with the crowd losing it at each turn. [79:35–88:47]

Sean Vance (Bucket Pull)

• “Black belt Christian,” jokes about horny adolescence and Special Forces background, “banana booking flights.” [49:11]
• Reveals: Green Beret, screenwriter (sold show to Netflix, canceled post-MeToo), stories of being kicked out of college for fighting, community service, meth overdose, celebrity personal trainer (including Whitney Cummings, Bradley Cooper).

Morgan Bounds (Final Bucket Pull)

• New comic, district manager for Zumiez (“has anyone ever told you you look like Tony Hawk?”), jokes about “summoning chlamydia” and Pavlovian breakfast sex triggers.
  • Crowd discovers her tattoo is her father’s drag race car number; reveals she likes to get naked at the Renaissance Faire.

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4. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Harland Williams mentoring: “Sometimes when things are so silent, you could hear two crickets sniffing a cornbread fart. So what you do? You pull a goofy face.” [18:29]
• Roast escalation: “This is comedy at its finest—DeVry vs. deep fry. Battle of the titans.” [88:20]
• Tony Hawk’s presence is playfully referenced throughout, especially when meeting Josie (her bisexuality "melts away") and Cam’s story of breaking a skateboard because of him.
• Tony: “He can help you. He taught Bobby Lee how to do an ollie in one hour.” [44:49]
• Cam Patterson: “If you wasn’t doing bad shit, nigga, you could leave the state of Florida.” [43:30]
• Panel frequently jokes about eyebrows (almost every comic had drawn-on or absent brows by the end of the night).
• Recurring in-jokes about going to "Devry Night School" for comedy and "goofy face" recovery technique.

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5. Musical Finale & Surprise Guest

Jelly Roll Performs

• Grammy-winning musician and massive Kill Tony fan Jelly Roll performs his hit "Save Me" (live) to a thunderous reception, capping the episode.
  • Jelly Roll: “Last night I won three CMTs, I’m a lost cause... I’m a love co-oo-oo oh baby Tony, don’t waste your time on me, I’m so damaged beyond repair—that’s why I’m a fan of Kill Tony.” [106:45–108:43]

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Noteworthy Segment Timestamps

• 02:22 – Guest introductions
• 04:58 – Harland “my sister”/hammerhead shark bit
• 06:00–14:33 – Casey Rocket’s surreal set/interview
• 15:10–23:02 – Bald Mic set, Harland’s comedic mentoring
• 24:31–33:57 – Josie Marcelino’s set, flags, and interview
• 34:09–41:03 – Helena’s controversial set/interview
• 42:12–47:56 – Cam Patterson regular set/interview
• 49:11–61:51 – Sean Vance’s set, Special Forces, theft/adventures
• 62:17–68:13 – Gordon Dixon’s set, Motown, Jehovah’s Witness music
• 69:26–77:28 – Sunshine’s set/interview, Amy Winehouse cover
• 78:01–89:20+ – David Lucas set, mega roast battle with Harland Williams, Tony Hawk joins
• 91:37–97:43 – Morgan Bounds’ set, Zumiez, tattoo, Renaissance festival nudity
• 99:03–104:32 – William Montgomery’s closing set/interview
• 105:24–108:43 – Jelly Roll surprise musical performance ("Save Me")

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Overall Tone & Style

• The episode is wild, unpredictable, and rapid-fire. The tone is relentless, high-energy, and irreverent—classic Kill Tony, with sharp roast comedy, meta-commentary on comedy itself, deep dives into performer’s odd personal lives, and celeb guests partaking in the playful chaos.
• Harland Williams consistently brings an absurdist mentor energy, Tony Hawk is game for it all and self-deprecatingly cool, while Ian Fidance fits right in with sharp, weird asides.
• There’s a running joke about drawn-on eyebrows and recurring callbacks to DeVry Night School for comedy training.

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Final Remarks

• The night exemplifies why Kill Tony is considered the top live comedy podcast: unscripted risk, fierce crowdwork, and the genre’s most memorable roasts.
• Stand-out moments include David Lucas and Harland Williams’ roast battle, Josie geeking out over Tony Hawk, and Jelly Roll’s emotional, funny musical climax.

For comedy fans, this is a must-listen (or watch) episode—equal parts roast, mentorship, extreme crowdwork, and raw hilarity.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red bank coming to

[B]

you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new

[A]

episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Give it up for Tony Hitch.

[A]

Clap. Who's ready for the best fuckin night of their lives, huh? Yippee. And here we go. Mama, we made it.

[C]

You're here at Kiltoni. How we doing tonight, huh?

[A]

Brought to you by Zip Recruiter and Shopify. Make some noise for the great Brian Red Band, everybody. And how about one more time for the best stand band in the land, huh? Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez. This is D Madness on the bass guitar, John D's on the keys, and Shawn Greenberg joining us on the electric guitar tonight for the first time ever.

[C]

So much fun stuff planned before we get started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[D]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to [e-mail] for tickets.

[C]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

[A]

Oh boy, here we go. Where do I begin?

[C]

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return

[A]

of the man who people are Saying is the 2024 guest of the year.

[C]

The return of one of the great

[A]

comedians from New York with a brand

[C]

new special coming out.

[A]

And the greatest skateboarder of all time. I present to you Harlan Williams, Tony Hawk and Ian Finance. Let's go.

[B]

Harlan Williams. Ear Finance. Tony.

[A]

Ha. Oh my God. Oh, shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kill Tony.

[E]

Go.

[A]

Harlan Williams, Tony Hawk and Ian Finance.

[C]

Ian Finance's special Wild, Happy and free, out April 21st at YouTube. Beanepod. Welcome back, Ian. How are you?

[A]

Hey.

[B]

All right.

[F]

I'm happy to be here, Tony. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Yeah. The great and powerful Tony Hawk's first appearance on the show.

[C]

Thank you. Thanks for the invite.

[G]

I thought this show was about me this whole time.

[A]

It could be. Tonight anything can happen.

[C]

And the return of who many are saying is the undeniable greatest guest in the history of the show.

[A]

This is Harland Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, he's gonna throw up. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[H]

Hey, oh, God. I just want to say it's an emotional night for me to be here. I'm very happy to be here. My sister, as many of you know, is in the hospital tonight. And she. She finally got the brace off her eyes and. She was born as we know. Her eyes were really far apart like a hammer. Like a hammerhead shark. And. Well, maybe somebody better get on the fuck off bus. Nobody laughs at old fucking hammerhead.

[C]

Well, laughter is the best medicine. Hopefully your sister's watching tonight.

[H]

She is watching from two different rooms.

[A]

And here we go. You guys know how it works. Tony Hawk's first time.

[C]

So I'll tell you, Tony, a bunch of people signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

[A]

I have pre pulled the name.

[C]

Our runner goes and grabs them from the bar across the street. Poor choices here on the world famous 6th street, dirty 6th. Absolute chaos out here on these streets on a Monday in Austin. So they go, ch. Chase that guy down and they wrangle him. While our first performer who does a brand new 60 seconds every single week, performs one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, Silly Wild. A goddamn firestorm of energy. It's real. He exists. I present to you a brand new minute from one of our greatest regulars,

[A]

the great and powerful, Casey Roc.

[C]

All right, I'll talk about it.

[I]

Well, Tony, you know, I've been training myself to Inception people. And no matter how hard I try, I keep going into people's dreams and hooking up with that booger guy from the Mucinex commercials.

[A]

And

[I]

we both finish. It's not that we both finish. And I think I might be in love. And every time I start freaking out,

[C]

what am I thinking?

[I]

What am I thinking getting involved with this guy?

[A]

I got a fucking family, man.

[I]

I'm the editor of the New Yorker, for Christ's sakes. And every time I feel this little slimy hand slipping over. Right on the square of my back. And he sets me straight, he says, it's okay, baby.

[A]

I love you, baby.

[I]

And I just fall to pieces. Thank you. I'm Casey Rocket.

[A]

Wow. Wow. I feel like there was no jokes there, just truth.

[C]

Just a real sharing of a glimpse in the life of Casey Rocket. Hello, Casey. How do you feel tonight?

[H]

Awful.

[J]

Awful.

[C]

Why do you feel awful?

[I]

Stressed?

[C]

Well, I gotta tell you, I'm surprised you didn't acknowledge it. Maybe I missed it. Did you acknowledge the fact that your eyelashes are extremely plump and long?

[I]

Oh, the eyelashes. I forgot. I know I probably look like I haven't seen my own bed in a couple days.

[H]

I'll tell you what. If you put pigtails in, you'd be the girl from Wendy's. How about that? We also had fucking around.

[J]

Thank you.

[C]

No, it's true.

[H]

That's for real.

[C]

I see.

[I]

It been an awful week. I stopped being a door guy here. I graduated from being a door guy.

[C]

And I've been really sad.

[A]

That's true. The second ever door guy to retire

[C]

with grace and following in the footsteps of the great Cam Patterson. Every other door guy still waiting and hoping to figure out how to graduate from such a system.

[H]

You know what I'm a bit mystified about, though, Tony, as a door guy. And this may be a fault in your set as a door guy. I didn't hear one fucking knock, knock joke.

[I]

I got a knock, knock joke.

[C]

Let's hear it.

[I]

Okay. Knock knock.

[A]

Who's there? It's me, baby. I should have fucking known. He's back.

[H]

You got a knock, knock joke.

[A]

Let's hear it.

[H]

Knock knock. Who's there? The lead singer of REO Speedwagon's Hair.

[C]

The lead singer of REO Speedwagon's Hair who?

[H]

No ending. I'm not a. What am I? A door guy? Fuck off.

[C]

Do you think.

[G]

Do you think this crowd actually knows Ariel Speedwagon? We're very old, Harlan.

[C]

Well, I did, though, so.

[H]

You did?

[G]

Yeah. You nailed it.

[C]

Yeah. You guys were around when Speed Wagons was the best way to travel. So, Casey, here you are, staring down with long eyelashes, pure retired of door guyism. And what are your plans moving forward? What are you gonna do with all the free time that you have for yourself?

[I]

That's a good question. Well, I thought of a couple things. My first plan now that I'm not a door guy is throw up in Fat man and make all my friends clean it up. My second plan? Clear Chris Benoit's name by finding the real killer.

[C]

He's out there.

[I]

Third plan? Finding the lead singer of the Chicks. Convince them to change their name back to the Dixie Chicks. Then assassinate her for being racist. And my final plan? Impress Jodie Foster by assassinating the guy who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress her.

[H]

Wow.

[A]

A lot of murdering going on.

[I]

There's a couple murders in there, but I have free time.

[C]

I've never. It's the first time I've ever seen a man with a scroll. With other paper on top of the scroll. Are you trying to reuse that scroll for something down the road, perhaps?

[I]

Scrolls aren't cheap. That's a legitimate papyrus scroll. I stole it from the Louvre. They're furious.

[C]

I. I love it. What else is going on, Casey?

[I]

Making it big.

[F]

What the fuck?

[C]

No, Casey, you go ahead.

[A]

It's all you, Casey. And here he goes, everybody.

[I]

I thought we were all gonna get mad. I miss all of us getting mad. Me and the door guys used to get mad all the time. Oh, no, I won't be. Yeah, I have other plans. Kiss 100 Colombian baddies in 100 minutes.

[C]

This is absolutely incredible, Ian. You've seen Casey Rocket before. You see him again. What do you think about all this?

[F]

I think he gets prettier every time.

[C]

Incredible. It seems like some of the mascara, you kind of like, hit your cheeks with it a little bit.

[I]

It was tears. I was sobbing. I couldn't stop thinking about Greg and Greg Mucinex. And I was just back there. Heir to the Mucinex fortune as falling apart. Thank God. Jesus, Josh. He came and he literally, quite like Christ picked me up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you.

[I]

I'm not sure they knew who Christ was. That was good that you put it in context.

[C]

Yeah.

[I]

Did it again. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[A]

I. Yeah, that's him. That's where you would hit it.

[C]

There you go. Oh, there you go. Good stuff with the volume down, but just ready to.

[I]

Ready to get into my head, into

[C]

my 40s, with a. With a.

[I]

Just. With a stomach full of ambition and a heart full of gold.

[C]

There you go.

[I]

I'm only 29, so can I just say. Yeah, I got time to go.

[H]

Can I just say the obvious about those eyes that I think everyone's kind of dancing around? Yeah, Guy, be honest. About 20 minutes ago, were you deep throating someone?

[I]

I don't have to answer that.

[A]

You don't have to answer that.

[F]

And in 20 minutes, do you want to be?

[C]

But you have made your eyes very, very pretty. Maybe perhaps you could help Harlan's sister figure out what to do post op.

[H]

You know, I am this close, this close to grinding a P. F Chang lettuce wrap into your clip.

[A]

Whoa. Someone knows how to get me hot and heavy.

[C]

I love that TF Chang. All right, Casey, you're an unbelievable way to start the show. What a special treat every goddamn week. Creative Wild. We love you.

[A]

There he is. The regular Casey Rocket. And now and only now, do we go to the Bucket. This is where anything can happen and fucking chaos ensues. We all meet people all at the same time, and it's all fucking wild. This is where we found all of our talents. It's where we found all the psychos. Anything can happen. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted by your first bucket pull of the night, Bald Mic. Here we go. Bald Mic.

[K]

How we doing, Mothership? Yeah, we keeping it right, huh? All right. Well, yeah, they call me Bald Mike. It's not cause I have cancer. I ain't dying, don't worry. I just got a little alopecia, you

[A]

know what I mean?

[K]

A little bit of that Jada Pinkett. And it's come in handy sometimes. I got it when I was young, so I had like patches of hair and it got all frizzy. It looked horrible. But it really came in handy when my grandma died, of all times. My parents, after dealing with all the bullshit, they were like, you know what? Fuck it. Let's go to Disney World. And then when I was a kid, I wasn't like, oh, yay, Disney.

[B]

Yeah.

[K]

I was just like, cool in amusement park. Let's go. Went. Had a blast. It was a great time. But on the plane ride back, my parents were like, fuck it, let's get loaded. So they're just getting rum and coke, beers, all that bullshit, left and fucking, right. And the second or third drink that they got, the stewardess came up to my mom and was like, listen, honey, I know this sounds weird, but. But God told me that I need to give you a hug. And she's like, is the plane going down? What the fuck is happening? Okay. Stands up, gives her the hug. And it wasn't until two weeks later that she realized, like, oh, fuck. That's probably because they thought he was coming back from his make a wish trip from Disney World. Dying ass. Anyway, that's my time.

[A]

Okay, Bald Mic, this is a very hairy situation we have here.

[C]

Looks like you could have shaped some

[A]

of the words out of those setups. Yeah, probably.

[C]

What do we think about this guy? I would roast him more, but it looks like he's already been roasted. Tony Hawk.

[G]

I like the punctuation with dying ass. Remind us.

[H]

Thank you.

[I]

Thank you.

[C]

It is incredible. I've never seen a full size sea monkey before. This is absolutely incredible. I'm starstruck. Harlan Williams.

[H]

Well, I. Look, can we be honest? It didn't go great. Okay, that's not a cut. Look, I'm here to mentor these guys, and I wanted to bring this as the Only comedian on the stage with a degree from devry in comedy.

[A]

Oh,

[C]

wow. Is that made from the same scroll Casey Rocket used earlier?

[H]

Sometimes there are little things you can do, and I'm gonna mentor this kid here.

[C]

Yeah.

[H]

Give me your last punchline of your last joke, and I'm gonna show you a little something you can do to kind of pull the laughter from the crowd. And this is something Don Rhineblatt taught me up at devry.

[K]

Okay, well, admittedly, I'm not a comic. I don't really have a ton of jokes. I just had that story, and of course, I ran it long.

[H]

Just tell me the last sentence.

[A]

Y.

[C]

Yeah, he doesn't do comedy.

[A]

He doesn't do improv very well either.

[L]

I don't.

[K]

I had a punchline that was fat people architecture, but I couldn't figure out how to word it into a joke. If you could help me out.

[A]

What? Just say the last sentence of the

[M]

story you just said.

[C]

Yeah, just say the last sentence of what you said. We are aware it wasn't funny.

[A]

Say it again.

[H]

Gotcha.

[K]

It wasn't until two weeks later that she realized that. Oh, shit. That might have been because they thought he was on his Make a Wish trip back from Disney World.

[H]

Okay, now watch what I'm gonna do for you here. And this is something I learned up at night School at DeVry.

[C]

It does say DeVry Night School, August 11, 2014. Don Rhineblatt signed it. Here he is, Harlan Williams, fixing Bald Mike's non existent punchline.

[H]

So sometimes when things are so silent, you could hear two crickets sniffing a cornbread fart. What you do? And this is what they taught me. You pull a goofy face. So I'm gonna do your last line and watch. So my parents said this might be my takeaway trip to Disneyland.

[A]

Damn, that's amazing.

[C]

Shh.

[H]

I'm not fucking finished. So do you get it now, you little whore? Hello.

[A]

I love it. Absolutely incredible. Amazing.

[H]

Devry.

[C]

Bald Mike, you say you're not a comedian. What made you sign up for the show tonight? Why are you here? Where'd you come from? Do you live here?

[K]

No, I'm from Omaha, Nebraska. I'm a huge fan of the show, and part of the reason I wanted to come up here was I was gonna see if you could come up with any new roasts for me. The Sea Monkey one I haven't heard, but I've got a couple favorites I've heard in the past.

[C]

Well, why don't you do some of the jokes that people have made about You. That sounds fun.

[A]

And then I'll know. And then I'll know what I can eliminate off of my list, because I have a lot here that are head

[C]

and shoulders above anything you have.

[A]

But you go ahead. Let's hear some of your best ones so that you don't call me a hack afterwards.

[K]

Fair enough. Fair enough. Well, so there was this one time, I was smoking with a bunch of my buddies in my friend's apartment, and we were smoking a blunt. It got to the end of it, and my one buddy who's black, it was him and his girlfriend, he's hitting the very end of it, and he hands me the roach. He's like, damn, bro, that's kind of a fat roach. Here you go. And at this point in my life, I was just saying, like, boy, you look like a. To whatever it was. So I hit him with, boy, you look like a fat roach. And I hit the blunt, and he said, man, shut the fuck up. You look like my kneecap killed me.

[H]

Goofy face.

[C]

Do the goofy face.

[A]

Yeah. That is art, ladies and gentlemen, Devry.

[G]

You're our guru 10 years in running.

[H]

Yeah, Devry, comedy night school. Yeah, I'm just glad I can help.

[F]

Your black friend said you look like his kneecap.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Were you more tan?

[C]

Maybe the bottom of his foot, Perhaps

[F]

his palm, maybe.

[C]

So this is something you've always wanted to do. Just come out and bomb on kill. Tony, what do you do for a living?

[K]

I do screen printing. So I put shit like this on a T shirt.

[C]

Okay. You have a face for screen printing, that's for sure. No doubt about it.

[F]

He looks like a hairless cat you wish would be over his nine lives

[N]

a new one.

[C]

Incredible. Has anybody ever sharpied eyebrows on you? No. Can I. Can I do that?

[A]

Is that okay? I'll let you do it.

[C]

Yeah,

[A]

Face me.

[M]

Make a look.

[F]

Surprise.

[A]

Absolutely incredible. Oh, my pen slipped on your forehead a little bit. It says gay. God damn it. But I did. I gave you the people's eyebrow in honor of the rock being at WrestleMania this weekend. That's a stellar eyebrow. Quick.

[H]

Who's a goofy face? Who's a goofy.

[A]

Hey. Oh, it hits much harder.

[H]

Now that's called goofy gay right there.

[A]

Hell, yeah, dude.

[C]

Casey, Rocket's gonna put some eyelashes on you.

[A]

You're gonna be a whole different guy by the end of the night.

[C]

I love this.

[A]

We're gonna have D Madness give you a mustache.

[C]

It's gonna be fantastic. I love it.

[G]

Do us a favor. Don't wipe that off tonight.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

What do you think this guy showers? Get out of here.

[A]

Yeah, what's the point?

[F]

Can I smell what I smell like?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Imagine how clean his shower drain must be. Oh, yeah, no hair. That was my joke, you fucking idiot.

[A]

Jesus Christ Almighty.

[H]

Dude, dude, go light. He's gay.

[A]

I know. Ian, give him some powder.

[C]

Oh. You know what's funny is, you know, this started a few weeks ago for some reason, Bonezai started making one joke book that is made of actual hair.

[A]

Whoa. Ladies and gentlemen, you're getting a big joke book tonight. Even though everything about you is terrible. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Bald Mike. There he goes. Crazy. I don't know what he thought was gonna happen during that minute, but. All right, here we go.

[C]

Pulled another name out of the bucket.

[A]

Make some noise for your next comedian, Josie Marcelino. Josie Marcelino. Here we go.

[J]

I'm autistic and bisexual like every other annoying bitch. Now it's a one to one ratio. If you have autism, you're bisexual. They don't explain why, but I have a theory. I think it's cause pussy's like the coolest fidget spinner you could ever get your hands on. And just like a real fidget spinner. I don't really know how they work, but I will put my whole mouth on it. So. I said that joke to my co worker the other day and she liked it, she laughed, it was fine. But then she just looked at me and she was like, oh. And she was like, but are you. You're not gonna. You're gonna say that on stage? Isn't your dad coming to the show? And I was like, first of all, no. Do I look like someone with a supportive father? No, I don't. I look like the pornhub version of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. That's what I fucking look like. Homeless guy told me that yesterday, which was crazy. I was like, how do you know? What was she on, like the front cover of your blanket? Like, how do you know who the fuck that is? Where'd you run into her? Thank you.

[A]

Josie Marcelino, making her Kill Tony debut. Welcome. I forgot to have you here.

[C]

This makes three comedians in a row with drawn on eyebrows.

[A]

This is very exciting. This is a first in Kill Tony.

[C]

You would think. Eleven years, tens of thousands of bucket pools. This must have happened before. Never before. Welcome to the show.

[J]

Thank you.

[C]

You have an incredible energy to you. Thank you. What do you do for a living?

[J]

I am an associate producer of a TV show.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[J]

I sign an NDA, so I don't like to get into, like, specifics of

[C]

it, but, yeah, love on the spectrum. We know.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Okay. So autistic and bisexual. Is that true?

[J]

That is true.

[C]

What are some of your autistic traits?

[J]

I know every country's flag, and I'm really into them.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, how about Trinidad and Tobago?

[J]

It's a red and white striped diagonal flag.

[C]

Wow.

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

Absolutely incredible. How about the transgenders?

[J]

Like their flag or like just them in general? What do I think?

[A]

Either one. It's a win, win situation.

[J]

Well, their flag is the cool. You know, it's the blue and the white and the pink. And I'll keep my thoughts to myself. Everything's fine.

[A]

No, I love them.

[J]

I love them.

[C]

All right. Hell, yeah. Absolutely.

[F]

Ian, it looks like you're wearing a flag.

[C]

Thank you, Slovakia. Am I correct? Is that close?

[J]

Oh, no, this is more of a red flag.

[C]

Oh, it is Trinidad and Tobago, actually.

[A]

Red band.

[C]

Flip that around. Show the people. That's incredible.

[O]

Whoa.

[C]

It actually is. Look at that.

[F]

Holy.

[J]

Actually, it's similar.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What are the odds? It was a trick all along.

[A]

I knew the flag of Trinidad and Tobago and I.

[C]

All right, okay. Autistic and bisexual who? If you had to guess, I always ask the bisexual people this.

[A]

Are you 50?

[C]

50? What do you. Do you have a preference? Is there one when you get drunk that you gravitate towards? What's the deal with your bisexuality? I've never understood it before.

[J]

What were you gonna. Oh, you look like you had a follow up.

[F]

Oh, go ahead.

[J]

I think for me, like, sexual attraction.

[H]

50.

[J]

50. But, like, in terms of relationships, it's mostly guys.

[C]

Why do you think that is?

[J]

I'm a nightmare. I can't have a second one of me.

[C]

Right.

[J]

That's crazy.

[F]

If you're autistic and bisexual, does that mean you don't make eye contact when you eat pussy?

[J]

Yeah. Never. Absolutely. Now that's the best part about it. You just go down there and do your business. Are you making eye contact when you eat pussy?

[F]

Yes.

[J]

That's horrible.

[A]

Do you have any?

[L]

No.

[G]

You got to make Harlan's face.

[H]

I got bad news for you, buddy. You're eating them upside down.

[F]

Watch.

[H]

Well, if you're gonna laugh as an. As an autistic person, have we. And I hope some of you. Have we seen any of your works anywhere?

[A]

No, that's artistic person.

[J]

Yeah, I don't.

[C]

So, Josie, where do you live?

[J]

I live in Philly.

[A]

Philly? Yes.

[C]

Oh, wow. Okay. Have you always lived out?

[J]

No, I'm originally From a little small town in northern Maryland.

[H]

Oh, Cream cheese.

[J]

Yes. That is where I'm from.

[C]

What does the flag look like in Cream Cheese, Maryland?

[H]

Well, it's Philly cream cheese.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that was. Don't. I need to go to devry night skull fluffy.

[H]

Face to the.

[L]

Ah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I love it. So what do you. How long you been doing stand up?

[J]

About 18 months in total.

[C]

18 months. Okay. You count it off like it's a baby or something like that?

[J]

It is my baby.

[C]

Okay. You love it?

[J]

I do.

[C]

You do it a lot?

[J]

Yes.

[C]

All right. What's the most exciting thing you've ever done in your entire 18 month career? What's your, like, night of success like? What happened? What was your favorite night of comedy ever? What happened?

[J]

I mean, I've done the last two skank fests and that was really fun. Both of those shows were amazing, so. Had a lot of fun there. Yeah. I've also, you know, there's just different clubs in like dc, Maryland and Philly, and those are the places I've been, so.

[C]

I love it. Yeah, I love it. Absolutely. You have any special skills or talents or anything other than stand up?

[J]

I make costumes.

[O]

Oh.

[J]

Like a lot of them. Like I do like 31 every year for Halloween. Is that fucking Tony Hawk?

[A]

Whoa. You are autistic. Holy shit. Yeah, holy shit.

[C]

She walked alive.

[A]

Wow. You just got to watch her bisexuality disappear in real time. Oh, my God.

[G]

Was that part of your act?

[J]

It wasn't.

[H]

What's the flag for slo ed?

[J]

Ask your mother. I don't know.

[A]

Whoa. Oh, my God. Uh, oh. Uh.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

I don't know what's happening.

[F]

She is from Philadelphia.

[H]

I too am autistic and you just made me have an orgasm.

[N]

Thank you.

[C]

Fuck yeah. Josie, what's something we would be shocked to know about you, about your entire life? Anything crazy of any.

[J]

I've lost £75. That's kind of fun.

[A]

Oh, wow. Yeah, wow.

[H]

I was gonna say, cause she looks very sexy, but you're also a little, you know, husky.

[J]

Yeah, I still got the skin. Don't worry, it's there.

[H]

We wake up in the morning and punch canoes.

[J]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

What?

[C]

How did you. How did you lose the weight, Josie?

[J]

I just put down the fork.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[J]

Yeah, it's really. That's what it is. You just count your calories and then eat less than you burn.

[C]

Counting calories is easy when you're autistic.

[J]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Okay, Josie, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you out?

[J]

You And I have the same birthday.

[C]

Oh, wow. Me, you, and Kanye west then.

[J]

Yeah. June 8th.

[C]

Absolutely.

[J]

Gemini. The twins.

[C]

There you go. No doubt about it.

[J]

You look like you were eaten by your twin in the womb.

[A]

Okay. All right, bitch.

[E]

Wow.

[A]

Whoa.

[F]

For someone that lost a lot of weight, she sure is hungry for more.

[A]

Yeah,

[C]

I love it.

[H]

Can I ask one question? Because I'm an ink guy. I love ink, Tony. I love. Do you have tattoos? Well, I didn't ask to see.

[J]

I fully thought you meant pens. When you said ink, I was like, oh, somebody else is autistic too. That's cool.

[H]

Well, I just told you I was. When I had an orgasm 30 seconds ago. Keep talking. There's a second one on the way.

[G]

Can I change seats?

[H]

But I noticed you have a little tattoo on your arm there, my love.

[E]

I did.

[H]

What's the significance of it? We're all curious.

[J]

It's a standup tattoo. I got it done at Skankfest. Like tattoo artists there, and so I got that done this year.

[H]

What is it, though? That it's a very odd stool and the mic. Oh, it's a stool and mic. Isn't that funny when people want to hear ship talk?

[C]

Oh, stool.

[A]

Okay, Mike.

[H]

Stool and Mike. Look, guys. Fuck off.

[C]

Josie Marcelino. Very fun. A good enough set for a big joke book, I do believe. A fun interview. Congratulations. There you go.

[A]

Josie Marcelino. All right, you get it. We're in it now. Our third bucket poll of the night has been pulled. A one word name, always interesting. Let's see what happens here.

[C]

Ooh, I love it. Hell, yeah.

[A]

How about a hand for the band again, huh? And also make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds from Helena, everybody. Helena is next. Next on Kill Tony live here in Austin, Texas.

[P]

So my older brother is a teacher now. I've never known less in my life. This guy was trying to convince me the other day that slavery was bad dog. That was peak America. We're still chasing that high. If you think that money can't buy happiness, you need to reconsider slavery. Imagine having the fattest stack of greenbacks at the auction. They bring out David Lucas. The biggest three fifths anyone's ever fucking seen. I mean, I would buy the hell out of that guy in the olden days. Nowadays, all you get is king. And all the cute colors are always sold out. Thanks, Obama.

[A]

Okay, Helena. Helena, thank you for joining us.

[C]

Must have been a long trip to get here from the.

[A]

The Civil War. What the fuck? How did you get here?

[C]

Via REO Speedwagon.

[A]

Some real highbrow comedy there as we continue the streak.

[F]

Is that Sex Obama?

[C]

This is indeed the fourth comedian in a row with drawn on eyebrows.

[A]

If you had that. If you had that on your Kil Tony bingo card. If you bet at DraftKings, the sportsbook app. If you bet $1 on four comedians

[C]

in a row with drawn on eyebrows, you just won $3.5 billion. All you needed was $1 to win 3.5 billion. That's at the DraftKings sportsbook app now.

[B]

Holy.

[C]

Where? Okay, Harlan, go ahead.

[H]

No, I'm just. It's refreshing to see comedy with a kkk.

[F]

She looks like she got dragged here through the underground.

[C]

It is incredible. Where are you visiting us from, Helena?

[H]

And that dress made of cotton.

[A]

Oh, deep madness is deep madness has seen enough.

[C]

Okay, so let's talk about it. Helena, have you ever done stand up comedy before?

[A]

No.

[C]

Okay, so what made you want to do it here tonight on this show? The crystal meth made you do it?

[P]

No, I just. I'm like, kind of delusional. This is just what I've decided to do.

[C]

When did you decide to do this? What made you do it? Yeah, sure. Anything. Yep.

[P]

Like a year ago. I just.

[C]

You said. And this is. You've. This is your first time signing up?

[P]

No, I signed up like early February.

[C]

And you didn't get up?

[P]

No.

[C]

And here you are.

[P]

Here I am.

[C]

And this is what you prepared for?

[P]

This is what I prepared for you, yes.

[C]

Okay.

[H]

I'm just curious. Why do the questions keep coming after she said she was delusional?

[P]

That's a good point.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

He's trying to squeeze a dry orange over here. It appears. Helena, what do you do for a living?

[H]

I'm an electrician. Orange.

[C]

What do you do for a living?

[P]

I'm an electrician.

[C]

You're an electrician.

[F]

Explains the hair.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that hot in the rain today for ride. Did your hair go to Defry comedy?

[C]

It is unbelievable. You are an electrician. Obviously not that great at your job. You've been shocked before, am I correct?

[P]

I have been, yeah.

[C]

Many times.

[P]

No, just twice.

[C]

Just twice. Okay. Absolutely. Okay. So what made you write an ultra race this set tonight?

[P]

That's a good point. You know, I was thinking about it and I just kind of wanted to go edgy. I don't know.

[C]

What do you have against black people? Is it because your lips are so small?

[P]

Yes, it is. A little bit of the envy aspect, I would say. I also have the flattest ass that there is. So yeah.

[C]

You look like the wicked witch of the west side. You know what I'm saying? Have you ever been with a black man?

[P]

No.

[C]

Have you ever been on a date with a black man?

[P]

No.

[C]

Have you ever even said hello to a black man?

[P]

I have.

[A]

While not working?

[P]

Yes, I have.

[C]

Do you have any black friends?

[P]

Yes, I do.

[C]

Name your black friends. First names only. Go ahead. Starting now.

[P]

Irwin, he's my brother in law.

[A]

Oh, that doesn't count. Actual friends, not relatives.

[C]

Nice and easy on the music so that we can hear. Go ahead, rattle them off. Here we go. All your black friends. Helena's welcome to another episode of Helena's

[A]

Black Friends and Girls.

[B]

Go.

[P]

Maceo is a black friend. That is a really good question. No, black people don't like me.

[A]

There you go. I wonder why that is.

[F]

We should ever call Maceo and say those jokes to him on the phone.

[A]

How do you know Maceo?

[P]

Huh?

[C]

How do you know Mao?

[P]

We went to elementary and like, all through, like.

[C]

When's the last time you talked to Maceo?

[P]

Honestly, like a few years ago, I think. Like four or five years.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

This is incredible, dude.

[P]

Yeah. We're not tired. I'm from Utah.

[C]

What?

[P]

I just moved here from Utah.

[C]

Okay.

[P]

So that's why I'm not. There's not that many black people Utah.

[C]

Famously light on the black people. 1.6% black people in Utah. I know this. We looked it up. Cam Patterson wrote a joke about it. It's funny.

[A]

Completely.

[P]

I don't know anything about funny, so.

[C]

I know.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Very good, Helena. Before I let you go, what's the most interesting thing about you or your life that would surprise us or we would find interest Sting at all?

[P]

I think probably the most interesting thing about my life is I go back to the same place in my dreams, like 80 to 90% of the time.

[A]

Ah.

[G]

Is it a proud boys meeting?

[A]

Tony. Oh, my God. Tony. Tony. Tony is killing. Kill Tony.

[C]

So here we go. What is that dream?

[P]

I don't know, dude. I honestly, like 2 years ago is when I started having these dreams and they just kind of started, like, showing up.

[C]

You can't describe it at all.

[P]

I can describe the hell out of it. It's insanely specific and consistent from day to day.

[C]

Okay, what is it?

[P]

Dream to dream. So I mean, there's like a city part and then there's like a forest part, and then like, the city has all sorts of crazy shit in it. There's this really big oval building that's got multiple floors and it's Got, like, trees in the middle of it.

[C]

Oh, this is terrible.

[P]

Dud as well.

[C]

All right, here's a little joke book. There you go, Helena.

[A]

Everybody, we're going to keep it moving. Oh, my God. Holy. It's a psych ward here tonight.

[C]

Oh, yeah. You know, we should do. We should get one of our regulars

[A]

up here, do a complete reset following Helena. Ladies and gentlemen, what a position to be in. I present you another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

[Q]

I was taking the shit and I just ran up here. I'm out of breath. I'm tired. We gonna make it happen or this is gonna be good. I've been around a lot of white people for a year now. I've been in Austin for a whole year. A whole year, dog. Y' all changed how I think about shit. I changed how I think about everything. Like. Like, I used to steal shit when I was a kid. I used steal a lot of shit. And now when I see something, I could steal like a war. I could buy it and then write it off on my taxes. Cause that's how y' all steal. Y' all steal smart. Y' all steal from the government. You know what I'm saying? That's smart as shit. Like, you was like, I used to breaking houses. I used to break houses when I was a kid. Now I see house and I go, ooh, that house probably got great equity. You get what I'm saying? Nigga, you not laughing, but you get it, bitch. My homeboy can't leave the state of Florida because he has a peer officer, and he got arrested for a lot of bullshit, and it hurt my heart. He can't leave. That's my nigga, and I love him. We blocked him. Not like that. Not no gay shit. But that's my dog, and I love him. You feel what I'm saying? And I love him, but I wanted to leave the state. And his PR office said he couldn't leave the state of Florida. He said he couldn't leave. And when she told him that, you know what I'm saying, it hurt my heart. Kind of like, that's my daughter. But y' all side of me was like, well, if you wasn't doing bad shit, nigga, you could leave the state of Florida.

[A]

Funny face, motherfucker. Unbelievable. Wow. He just got his own diploma.

[B]

Come on, now, man, I went to college, bitch.

[A]

Wow. Wow.

[P]

Come on.

[A]

Night school, meet night school.

[C]

This is incredible.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I loved that set Cam Patterson. Absolutely incredible. You're talking about stuff that is so up your alley. Your true perspective. You used to steal. I. That's just hilarious all the way, cuz. It is true. The write offs and everything. The more you learn about that, the more it is incredible.

[Q]

Y' all teach me a lot of, man. I really appreciate that.

[C]

Hell yeah. Absolutely.

[Q]

I'm learning. What's up, Tony?

[B]

You good?

[Q]

Hell yeah, man. This is crazy.

[C]

Fuck, dawg.

[G]

I hear you.

[Q]

I had a skateboard one time when I fell and I broke that bitch in half. And I never did it again. But it was because of you though. I did it cause of you. And I hated it. I didn't like it at all.

[L]

But.

[Q]

But I'm a big fan.

[G]

It's not too late.

[Q]

I'll never get back on that bitch. I was terrified after that. I was scared of shit.

[C]

He can help you. He taught Bobby Lee how to do an ollie in one hour.

[F]

This is true.

[Q]

For real.

[C]

This is true.

[Q]

I'll do it now. I get back on if you te. Nobody else can. Just you.

[G]

You're welcome.

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

Open invite.

[N]

Absolutely.

[Q]

Hell yeah.

[A]

You heard that, right? Just.

[G]

Just sign the waiver.

[Q]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It says no stealing anything.

[Q]

That's all it's saying. Big letter. Just don't steal.

[C]

That's it. Amazing stuff, Cam Patterson.

[A]

It.

[C]

That's real, by the way. That. That. That works. So what else is going on? Cam, you're killing it. Another amazing weekend of shows in Dallas and Houston.

[Q]

Yeah, Houston was fun for everybody else. I bombed. I bombed real bad.

[C]

You bombed?

[Q]

Oh, you didn't hear what I said when I walked on stage?

[C]

No, you said how?

[Q]

Well, I said I hate them and I'mma kill myself. That's what I said.

[C]

Oh, really? I don't ever actually listen to anything

[A]

that anybody says during that part.

[C]

Part. It's a little fun fact. If you ever see two comedians. Like, it's just. We're saying it's like, good job, way to do it.

[Q]

I'm like, I hate them. I'm gonna die today. I was sad. It was. But you know, it's learning experience. You know what I'm saying? Happens.

[C]

Well, what do you think? What do you think went wrong there? What do you. What do you. What was the vibe?

[Q]

A little too fast, A little too fast. You know what I'm saying? One, one hitting the pocket. You know what I'm saying? Like that.

[C]

Yep. Timing and pacing.

[Q]

When I got. I started throwing. It was bad. Like I lost March Madness.

[M]

It was bad.

[C]

You were throwing Stuff afterwards.

[A]

Throwing.

[Q]

Oh, I'm an athlet, so bombing hit me in my soul. You feel what I'm saying? That's a loss. I lost. Like, they beat me. I won today. You know what I'm saying? But in Houston, they beat the out of me, boy.

[C]

That's it.

[H]

Now, when you go out, buddy, you hold up that degree and you're not gonna have any problems.

[Q]

I never lose again, baby. You feel what I'm saying?

[C]

I love it. Yeah. Houston was one of the only shows where I didn't catch any of your set. I was up in the green room up until the very last second. I'm glad you didn't.

[Q]

That's it.

[C]

Yeah. Well, I thought you did great. You told me. You told me tonight. Now, I know that you're struggling.

[O]

No, no, no, no, no.

[C]

I love it, Cam. You're a sensation. What else is going on? Anything else crazy in life?

[Q]

Nothing too crazy. Not too crazy, man.

[A]

You know?

[Q]

You know, but I ain't going. You feel what I'm saying?

[A]

Oh, yeah. No, he has some stuff going on.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

We ain't going to talk about that. Yeah, no, we shouldn't talk about that.

[C]

We'll talk about it eventually.

[Q]

One day we'll talk about it, but not right now.

[A]

Yeah, wait on that.

[Q]

Maybe like. Maybe like. Maybe like a new year. Not like. Maybe like the form or something.

[A]

Maybe.

[C]

Yeah, exactly. That sounds about right. But he's got some stuff going on in his life that, you know, maybe we've all been through and. Oh,

[A]

no, it's okay.

[C]

It'll be all gone in a week.

[A]

Do you have a toilet flush?

[C]

Do we have a toilet flush?

[A]

There you go.

[Q]

Know n. But I got a ticket to Six Flags.

[A]

There it is. Poor baby.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Oh, I get it.

[G]

There are.

[A]

There are other states.

[G]

Other states nearby.

[A]

You're right.

[C]

I love it.

[Q]

That's not the thing. That's not it. That's not it.

[A]

Well, Cam, one door closes, another one opens. A fantastic set.

[C]

Way to do it.

[A]

It. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, a goddamn sensation. Fun, fun, fun. But now we go back to the bucket. Let's meet another poor soul, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise. Could be the next star of the show. Could be another eyebrowless human being. Make some noise. Oh, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

[M]

Thank you.

[A]

Those are real eyebrows. Real everything. Heidi is all natural. Absolutely stunning. We love her. Gina with three A's.

[C]

H.G. is that right? Something like that.

[A]

Oh, my God. Thank you so much. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? And with that make some noise for your next bucket pull. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Sean Vance. Here we go. Sean Vance.

[N]

My name is Sean. I grew up black belt Christian. We're talking ninth degree non denoms. All right? And we believed that premarital sex was just a direct ticket to hell. Now, I didn't want to go to hell, but my banana was booking flights. Dude. People say the devil's in the details, but, dude, for me, he was in my wiener. Oh, that son of a bitch. I was getting hard everywhere. I was so ashamed just walking around with this rock hard sin stick in my pants. What I would do is I'd tuck it into my waistband and I'd cinch my belt shut like, ooh, you like that, you little pervert? My dick would be like, mmm, tighter. It's fucking hard, dude. I tried so hard to be a good boy. But there's no winning with the dark Lord in your drawers.

[L]

Yeah.

[N]

You either service him during the day or he destroys your underwear at night.

[H]

Right.

[N]

I just think it's unfair. Right. If God's gonna make it that way, I think he should have done my laundry, not my mom. All right, that's it for me.

[C]

All right. Shawn Vance, welcome to the show. Sean.

[N]

Thank you.

[C]

How long you been doing stand up? Come comedy.

[N]

I've been doing stand up for about a year.

[C]

One year. Where at?

[N]

Phoenix.

[C]

Okay. This is your first time in Austin?

[N]

Oh, yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[N]

Coming to check it out. This is what brought me here.

[C]

How long have you been here?

[N]

I drove in yesterday night.

[C]

Okay. You came here specifically for this?

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

And look at that. So this is your first time signing up? You got pulled.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

How does it feel?

[N]

Oh, I'm so thrilled.

[C]

Absolutely.

[N]

I mean, I wish it had gone a little bit better, but I feel okay.

[C]

Right, Ian? Finance.

[F]

I. I thought I liked your act outs. You really, like, committed and got into it. I thought that was really cool.

[N]

Thanks.

[F]

I think you have a lot of issues with the way you talked about things. Just there was a lot behind some of the things you said.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

It's dark. It's dark in there.

[O]

Yeah.

[L]

Yeah.

[F]

I think you called your PP a good boy or something at one point. That was a lot.

[N]

But sometimes it's a good boy, sometimes it's not.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Whoa. So naughty.

[F]

Harlan. I think I just came.

[C]

Yeah.

[H]

Good.

[F]

That was for doing it a year. I thought that was really great, man. I thought that was great.

[O]

Yeah.

[C]

What do you do for a living?

[N]

I'm a writer.

[C]

What do you write?

[N]

Film and television. I'm as close to successful in film and television as you can come without being. So what that means is I. Okay, so my background, my history is I started in Special Forces. I moved to Los Angeles about 10 years ago, started doing comedy. I became a personal trainer. I got in at this gym called Rise Nation, or Rise Movement, which is like. It was like a quintessential Beverly Hills, trained celebrities kind of just gym. At the same time, I was pursuing comedy, doing Groundlings and I sold my first show to Netflix. It was called Green Bray's Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse with Matt Damon and Peter Berg that I starred in, wrote and executive produced. And it got canceled because of me too. I didn't do anything.

[F]

Sure.

[C]

That goddamn Matt Damon's out there acting up.

[N]

That's right. That's exactly who it was. It was Matt Damon.

[C]

Yeah. Was it really?

[N]

He said that there's a difference between rape and bad behavior behavior. And that got a shitload of backlash. Right.

[C]

Well, there.

[A]

Hold on, wait.

[C]

He said that there's a difference between

[A]

rape and bad behavior?

[N]

Yeah. I believe he was defending Louie.

[A]

Huh?

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

And then they were upset about it. I had written a joke in the script, right. That was anti woman is what they said.

[F]

And get out.

[A]

Yeah, Mr. My banana be booking flights.

[N]

It was.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Just keep blaming the devil. Stick in your pants.

[N]

Yeah, that's right. That goddamn son of a.

[C]

Is it all come from a real place? Do you get hard? You're a hard and horny guy.

[N]

Or growing up especially.

[C]

Yeah, well, what about nowadays? What's going on nowadays?

[N]

Well, I'm married and we bang all the time.

[C]

Really?

[M]

Cool.

[N]

Yeah, dude, I'm in that

[F]

wife.

[A]

Jesus.

[L]

Okay.

[N]

She loves it.

[C]

How long have you been married for 15 years. Explain to these people and everybody here how you keep it exciting in the bedroom after 15 years.

[N]

Well, you know, a lot of people think that it goes down, but for me, it has gone only up. And the key to marriage is mdma. I don't know if you guys have done it. It's not a joke. It's not a joke. Dude. If you do MDMA with your partner and you really open up, like you share your soul, you let her in, dude. By the end of the night, she'll let you come on her face.

[A]

Wow.

[N]

It's. I mean, wow. We tried anal, dude. It was, ah. She did not like it though.

[A]

Wow.

[H]

What in the hell is mbma? Are you having sex down Sesame Street? What the fuck?

[N]

That's what I thought at first.

[H]

No, you get a girl who knows how to spell there guy.

[Q]

Yeah.

[A]

What's a Midba?

[N]

Midba, yeah. Molly. Ecstasy. On the street they call it ecstasy when you do it therapeutically. It's called mdma.

[A]

That's the pure one.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

I did it for trauma, not just for the sex. Okay, that was mostly for the sex.

[H]

You ever do angel dust and go to Staples and fuck an inkjet printer?

[N]

Not yet.

[C]

You know what they say, Say, one in the inkjet, two in the stink jet.

[A]

And that's why this is the number one live comedy podcast.

[C]

I love it.

[H]

So you said you were in the Special Forces guy?

[N]

Yeah, I was a Green Beret.

[H]

Did you have. I mean, we got to ask. And sometimes, you know, like Tony, we got a little touchy, but we got to keep it real. Do you ever kill a guy?

[N]

No. No, I missed out on that.

[H]

You will.

[N]

Yeah, one day.

[A]

Cannot imagine if you would have killed a guy, how hard your would have been. Oh, boy.

[N]

No waistband could hold that thing.

[C]

That's right.

[H]

Let me ask you this. Were you ever close to killing a guy?

[N]

Mostly just my drill sergeants.

[H]

Yeah.

[C]

So what did you do exactly, in the Special Forces? What was your Special force?

[H]

I was a secretary.

[N]

Yeah, I was a special. I was a secretary. No, it was an 18 Delta, which is a Special Forces medic.

[C]

18 Delta, that's the weed that doesn't really get you high.

[N]

Yeah, I think so. They have that out here, right?

[H]

Funny.

[N]

That's a sponsor. We've got the real stuff in Arizona.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, it's a sponsor.

[A]

Just kidding. I love it.

[C]

I don't even smoke actual delicious, perfectly fine marijuana anymore. Once Joe Rogan started drug testing us

[A]

here at the Comedy Mothership, I switched to 18 delta, and I love it.

[N]

Me, too.

[C]

Yeah, it's good.

[H]

You should try 19American Airlines. That stuff's really good.

[A]

I'll tell you.

[H]

You could sit the down immediately.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Sir, sit down.

[C]

You just up that American Airlines show.

[H]

Good. You know, my teacher. That would have worked. And then this guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[H]

Ma', am, if you could spin your head around like a baby. Ow. Sir, if you could close your legs. It smells.

[A]

Wow.

[H]

No, I mean, this guy's legs are wider than Sharon Stone at a Spread Eagle concert.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. You are just flexing some of Don Reinblatt's best teaching sauce. I fucking love you, Harlan. Williams. Williams.

[C]

So much fun. Tell us the craziest thing about your life, Sean, because there's a lot of crazy behind those eyes. I know you keep it together pretty well. But tell us, though, like, the really? In real life. The wildest thing about you.

[N]

The wildest thing about me in college. So I was super Christian growing up, as I said in my set.

[C]

Super what?

[N]

Christian. Very Christian. Right? Very. You know, I didn't smoke or drink in high school. And then I went to college and I tried weed for the first time and. Yep, that shit's good.

[A]

Wow. Thank you.

[C]

World's worst undercover cop, ladies and gentlemen.

[N]

I'll tell you, that shit's good. Anybody have any?

[A]

My goodness, I love weed. That is good.

[C]

Am I right? Does anybody have a felony's worth amount?

[N]

Yeah, yeah, that dope. It really is. Yeah. Anyways, I tried weed and that was really a gateway for me. I threw my wife, my life away after that. Had no my wife. I can't throw her away. She's too strong. No, I threw away a full right tracks. I got kicked out of college pretty quickly for fighting. Smoking weed in my dorm room.

[C]

What was the first thing?

[N]

Fighting. Fighting.

[C]

Oh, fighting.

[I]

Yeah.

[N]

Loyola Marymount. Fuck those guys, right?

[C]

Yeah. Is that by Cream Cheese, Maryland? Okay.

[N]

And then I. I got in trouble for stealing. And I got a bunch of community service on the Caltrans freeways.

[F]

Just from smoking weed?

[N]

Well, no, it was a bunch of things. I had actually stolen $16,000 worth of groceries from Albertsons.

[G]

Was that in one trip?

[N]

No, it was many trips, dude. It was majors because of the munchies.

[A]

Wait a second.

[C]

How munchies did you steal?

[N]

Sixteen grand. $16,300 is what they had me for.

[A]

How did you.

[C]

How does this happen? What kind of fucking meat heist is

[A]

going on over here? Just every week. We only have a few days.

[C]

We have to eat.

[N]

Yeah, that's right. It was Robin Hood of the dorms, dude. I was just stealing stuff for everybody every single week. I would just go. I went to college on a track scholarship, right? And I had really no concept of the real world because I had left this bubble I grew up, up in. And I sort of thought that they, you know, anything I wanted to do, I could do. Like I had a journal. I wrote in it. The only thing.

[C]

All right, go ahead. Can I write gay on your forehead?

[A]

Okay, go ahead.

[N]

I saw again. It's crazy because lots of things can stop you. Not just fear, like freeway meth, which is what stopped me.

[C]

You tried it?

[N]

After I got in trouble for the stealing. I had to do pick up the freeway, right? Caltrans, and I found a.

[C]

Wait, you had to pick on a trans freeway? What does that mean? Does it go both ways?

[N]

It used to be a residential road, but now it's saying a freeway.

[C]

Freeway. Okay.

[L]

There you go.

[C]

All right.

[F]

It's what the T stands for in his ptsd.

[N]

Yeah. So anyways, I found a bag of meth and I did it all in one night. And overdose.

[H]

Y D. Do the face. Do the face.

[A]

Yeah, we all just. There we go.

[C]

Hey, thank you.

[D]

Thank.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Sean Vance. Fun stuff.

[H]

What a Christian, though. Can we just say that I was.

[N]

I was a really good Christian.

[H]

Stealing and unbelievable.

[N]

Personal training was fun, too. You got to a lot of celebrities.

[C]

Say that again.

[N]

I was a personal trainer. I trained a lot of. A lot of celebrities.

[C]

Anybody else here tranny training that you said? Personal training.

[N]

Personal training.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

It was a weird world.

[D]

World.

[C]

Yep, yep. Absolutely.

[N]

I used to train Whitney Cummings, one of your guys' friends.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. How was that?

[N]

It was fun. She was a great client.

[C]

Right? You two crazy. Just out there.

[N]

We would just giggle and say, nonsense.

[C]

She's strong.

[N]

Yeah, she's strong. She actually really is.

[C]

Yeah.

[N]

Yeah.

[C]

All right.

[N]

Stronger than Bradley Cooper for sure.

[C]

You. You worked out with Bradley Cooper?

[I]

Oh, yeah.

[N]

He was my. He was the worst client I ever had.

[A]

Whoa. Tell us more.

[F]

Don't you dare.

[N]

Now, now, it's not fair to say that because I am a man, you know, he gets along really great with all the ladies. Yeah. That if I was a lady, he would have liked me. I was just a junior trainer, and I think he was like, get this guy with PTSD away from me.

[F]

It's because every time he re. Racked, you were like, is that a bomb?

[H]

Wow.

[C]

So he wasn't nice to you?

[N]

No, no, it wasn't that he wasn't nice. He was just a little bit aloof. Like the first 15 minutes of the workout, he just wouldn't say hello, you know?

[C]

Would you describe him as shallow? Shallow.

[A]

La la la la la la.

[N]

Yes.

[C]

Here's a joke, Buck.

[A]

We're all bombing up here. There he goes. Sean Vance, everybody. We're gonna keep it moving along in the shallow. La la la we're far from the shallow. Hello. Now Harlan gets me in a silly mood. I don't know what's going on here tonight. Make some noise for your next comedian. Gordon Dixon, everybody. Gordon Dixon.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

I just feel the DeVry running through my veins. Thanks so much for Gordon, everybody.

[L]

What's up, Austin? Make some noise.

[C]

There you go.

[L]

Hell, yeah, man. Just moved here from Florida. Hooked up with a. Yeah, Florida in the building. Hooked up with an Austin cougar.

[C]

Last night, you know what I'm saying?

[L]

Sister Elder was an amazing woman, man. She was amazing. She was 88, so it was a definitely past Cougar. She was Triceratops bitch. That's what that was. Just extra old. She had one of them old 1930s bushes that started at the top of the belly button, right? And it went all the way down, up the back into a fade. It was a strong bush. I called it Busch Gardens. That's how thick it was. It was roller coasters and shit. It was a great. She was an old hole, man. She's like, I want all holes filled. Even the one in her neck. Cause she was a smoker, so, you know. But I just put the tip in. I ain't want to kill the bitch.

[C]

I love her.

[L]

You know what I'm saying? She got dementia. She forgot about me five minutes later. Anyways, I was like, just the tip.

[C]

Sister Elder, let's go.

[I]

She died today.

[L]

So that was fucked up. I went to her grave site and just left a pack of menthols and sprinkled some nut on it just to be like, I miss you, Sister Elder. All right, that's my time. I'm Gordon Dixon.

[A]

Thank you, Gordon Dixon, everybody. Making his Kill Tony debut.

[C]

Hi, Gordon.

[L]

How you doing, man? How you doing?

[C]

Fun, fun, fun. Is any of that true?

[L]

Yes, but it's not true here. That was in Florida, but, yes, it is. She was 68. She wasn't 88, but she was, you know, okay. She was oldly.

[I]

Did.

[F]

Did you really jizz on her grave?

[L]

No, no, just the menthols. I leave it.

[A]

Yeah, no, she's not dead, right? No, no, she's okay.

[L]

So she might be dead.

[C]

How long you been doing stand up, Gordon?

[L]

I've been doing it four and a half years.

[C]

Four and a half years. Where? What city exactly?

[L]

Tampa, Florida.

[C]

Okay, very good. What do you do for a living?

[L]

I quit my job. Well, I got fired from my job and my girlfriend left.

[C]

You used to. There it is. You got fired from installing cable for Time Warner?

[L]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

Yes. No, seriously.

[L]

For Diddy. I installed cable for Diddy. And then.

[C]

No, tell the. This partner.

[L]

I took the whole dick and he was like, just a tip knob, bro.

[A]

You.

[C]

This part, during the interview part, we just tell the truth. So what. What did you really get fired from?

[L]

No, I was a cyc recycling truck driver for the city of Clearwater. And I failed my drug test.

[A]

So they were like, you gotta go, Ah.

[C]

What was the drug that got you popped?

[L]

It was edible. It was a good Ass edible. Oh, yeah. But I had a drug test six months before that, so I was like. I wasn't. Normally. It's like a year later you'll get drug tested and, yeah, they got me, man, that was a half black in me. They were like, we're gonna get that.

[C]

How long ago did you get? 5. Retired.

[L]

It's been about four months now. So in December.

[C]

So how have you been surviving?

[L]

I had a pension. I cashed that out and then.

[C]

Yeah, I was like, how much was the pension for?

[A]

Let's just say.

[C]

Let's just say the actual honest answer.

[A]

15,000.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

That's.

[C]

That is good for cycling company.

[H]

Hell, yeah.

[C]

Okay. All right. So what do you do for fun? Florida people tend to be wild.

[L]

Tell the truth right now for fun. Meth off of homeless people's backs. Let's do it.

[A]

No, again.

[C]

Do you hear the response that. Not. I honestly.

[L]

Just comedy. I just moved here, so. Just comedy. I'm trying to get moved to Austin. I just moved to Austin.

[C]

Okay, beautiful. How long ago?

[L]

Two weeks ago.

[C]

Sweet. Here you are. You're on the show.

[L]

Yeah.

[C]

And how's it been going for you here?

[L]

It's been a struggle, man. It's a struggle.

[C]

Tell us more about what you mean by it's a struggle.

[L]

It's a struggle. Well, you go to a mic and there's 800 comics, and then you got to wait in line and get up on that stage and fuck it, whoever's there, y' all gonna get these jokes however you're gonna get it.

[C]

That's right.

[L]

I didn't move out here for nothing. So fuck it. I'm gonna get on stage wherever I can.

[C]

That's right. I mean, that's how it, you know, was in LA and New York just a few years ago. 800 open micrs everywhere. Go ahead, Harley Williams.

[H]

I don't mean to, like, steer away from, you know, your origins and what you're doing, but I told you, I'm an ink guy. I love tattoos. And I notice you have some on your inner arm there. What are those?

[L]

So, all right. Everybody's like, did you Google? I'm like, this is faith and love in Japanese knees.

[C]

Wow.

[L]

I used to be a Jehovah's Witness, so I was like. I was like, let me get out of that. And I'm gonna get a tattoo. And then that's what I did.

[H]

Do you read Japanese?

[L]

Yeah. No, I don't.

[H]

Okay, well, I do. And that's a dinner number four.

[L]

Okay, I'll take it, bro. I'LL take it. I'll take it. I'll take it.

[H]

You better get your ass up to the gig.

[L]

I need it back.

[C]

What other tattoos do you have? Show us more.

[L]

Both. My grandmother's on my arms here.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[L]

My dad's mother and my mom's mother on these sides.

[H]

Are they alive or dead?

[L]

They're both dead. They both passed away.

[H]

Here we go again. Gonna take this one, Tony Hawk.

[L]

Oh, bro,

[G]

I. I prefer not to. I. I feel like not even the face is going to save this one.

[C]

Well, the good news is we're tracking down where your grandmothers are buried and we're going to jizz on their graves. Hell, yeah.

[L]

Hell, yeah. They would love it. They would love it. They would love it. You would resurrect them.

[C]

Jordan or Gordon, do you have any special skills or talents other than stand up comedy? You good at anything?

[L]

Sing a little bit. My dad's band used to sing a little bit.

[C]

What kind of band were you in?

[L]

My dad did, like, you know, Motown, so I was like a backup singer with him.

[C]

Oh, brother.

[Q]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. What was the name of the band?

[L]

It was the jws. We were Jehovah's Witnesses, so.

[C]

Yeah.

[J]

Whoa.

[A]

Really?

[M]

Yeah.

[C]

The name of the band was the JW to use.

[L]

We did the dances and everything, man.

[C]

What was one of the songs that

[A]

you used to do back then?

[L]

We would do, like, Temptations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After we got. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. But what was one of the songs the JWs used to do?

[N]

Just.

[L]

We did like, Motown stuff. Temptations. You know what I mean?

[A]

Like what?

[F]

Like, did you do any originals or.

[L]

No, no, they didn't. No, they just did covers.

[C]

Like, what? Can you name one cover? Cover?

[L]

One cover. We did Celebration. Celebr.

[C]

Celebration.

[L]

Yeah. Temptations. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. You guys know that one? One, two.

[L]

Oh, you going to want. I mean, that's

[H]

okay.

[L]

We're going to celebrate good times tonight. All right, come on, white people, let's get the cloud going. Come on, come on. Yeah, here we go.

[A]

You better try. You better do it.

[B]

There's a party going, going on right here.

[L]

A celebration all right.

[A]

No, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop. Okay, I can see why you were one of the backup singers.

[C]

This is horrendous.

[A]

Oh, my God. Now I see why you're getting cougar out there.

[L]

I got to get what I can get.

[C]

Wow.

[G]

We going to cut the cake soon,

[A]

Gordon.

[C]

Fun times, my friend. Congratulations. You're going to leave here with a little joke book.

[A]

Gordon Dixon. There he goes, everybody. All Right. We're gonna keep it moving along, make some noise. Another one named Comedian makes some noise for Sunshine. Everybody, here comes Sunshine to the stage. Oh,

[E]

yeah. Who better to spin your eclipse with than Sunshine? Because God knows you didn't fucking see it when the clouds were out there. Am I right? Fuckers. God damn it. I don't know. I. I know. Hey, calm down, fellas. I know I'm a tall drink of hot dog water, but take it easy, okay? I know.

[C]

Just.

[E]

Just keep it in your pants, all right? For fuck's sake. I can't hang out too long, though. I do need to get back and go to the Tilt A Whirl that I'm offering. I hate how much you love these jokes. I do. I hate it, but you know I do. I gotta go. Cause those kids, they're getting sick. They've been on there for a long fuckin time, you know, Somebody's gotta hit the red button, for fuck's sake. God love them. And I know you're thinking, does she really dress like a toddler every day of the week? Yeah. No, it's not just for the eclipse. It's fun. I like to keep all the patterns, all the colors, all the. I like to move a lot. Move a lot. Hot dance. Hot dance. We're keeping the AI guessing. We don't want the robots to find us. We're hiding from Putin. We're having a good time, people. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I like it. Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

Oh, I am if a pinata was a person. Am I right? You just want to beat me up a little bit and see if I got some candy in me, right? I don't know. I don't know if it's fit. Yes.

[C]

All right.

[A]

There you go. Sunshine over. Sunshine, relax. It's over, sunshine.

[E]

I am terrified.

[C]

You're okay. You're okay, sunshine. You're okay. Just take a breath. Take a breath.

[H]

God. Unbelievable. Sunshine. Can I call you Melanoma?

[E]

Please, please. If you don't, the doctors will, so thank you.

[H]

You know, here's what I love, how life is cyclical. You know, when John Wayne Gacy passed away, who knew that his overalls would show up at a Goodwill and you would find them?

[C]

It is incredible, sunshine. I feel like I know everything about you with. And I have never talked with you before. This is incredible. I mean, so let's just jump right into it.

[E]

God bless us both.

[C]

Yeah, I love it.

[A]

You know what?

[H]

Black Lives Matter got rid of Aunt Jemima. This is what it turned into.

[C]

Yeah, It's True.

[F]

It's just nice to meet the old lady from that guy's last set.

[C]

This is incredible. Sunshine, welcome to the show. Have you ever done standup before?

[E]

Oh, yeah, I've been doing it about six months now.

[C]

Okay, what made you want to start doing standup comedy?

[E]

I mean, I've loved stand up since I was like, 9, 10. I was watching Insomniac, you know, Davitel, of course.

[C]

Yeah. But a great comedy comedian. Yeah.

[E]

I mean, legend. I saw him here a couple of months ago. I don't know if any of you saw him. I'm sure you did, Tony.

[C]

It's okay. Just keep going.

[E]

It's cool. We're having a good time. We're plugging, we're plugging. How about that Hot Cross Buns?

[C]

Okay, let's go back to the question

[A]

that I asked you.

[C]

Here, sunshine. Really focus over here. Look over here. Instead of the masses.

[E]

No, I got turned on your show maybe six, nine months ago, and then also at the same time Time got really into Marvelous Mrs. Mael.

[C]

Uhhuh.

[E]

And so I was like, tits up, let's go. And so, like, we just got out there. You know what I'm saying? We're having a good time. Ian likes it. He likes.

[C]

Looks like you weren't able to convince your tits to actually go up.

[E]

I know. They are small but mighty, Tony. They are small but mighty.

[C]

There is indeed another eclipse happening here. It is a g. How often you. You get sick, sunshine? You look like you get sick about every week.

[E]

No, no, no. I'm hearty and strong like a bull.

[C]

Is that true?

[E]

Oh, yeah. I could haul you up the stairs, no problem.

[C]

I don't think you can.

[E]

I'll strap you to my back.

[A]

Positive you cannot.

[C]

I'm positive you can't.

[L]

What do you do?

[H]

For ask you this.

[C]

You have it.

[H]

You ever put Lego in your overalls and then do some diarrhea and make brown waffles?

[E]

Yeah. Who doesn't?

[C]

Good question.

[H]

I thought so.

[E]

I love to make brown waffles in my Lego overalls. Yes.

[C]

What do you do for a living, sunshine?

[E]

I clean houses.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

Take names.

[C]

All right, you do that. Where do you do that at?

[E]

Here, there and everywhere. Wherever they'll let me in the door. Really?

[C]

Okay, let me be more specific with the question. Where do you live, sunshine?

[E]

I live here in Austin. I live right here.

[C]

How long have you lived in Austin?

[E]

About seven, eight years now.

[C]

Seven or eight years.

[M]

Your tent.

[E]

Oh, over on the riverside median, baby. You know we're keeping it.

[C]

What is Your exact living situation. Because when? I'm not kidding. The smell of patchouli is strong. It smells like what she looks like up here.

[A]

It does?

[C]

Fucking frightening.

[A]

I doused up extra for you to Sunshine.

[E]

Yeah, I knew you.

[A]

And don't laugh at horrible shit and get to the point where you're having a little bit too much fun. So bad.

[E]

I do. I do live in a house. It does have a roof.

[C]

How many other people live in the house?

[E]

Just me and my boyfriend. I know. I know. I have a boyfriend. It's shocking. I get it. I look like I eat but box. But only recreationally, you know?

[C]

You're adorable. I like your style.

[A]

How.

[C]

What is your bathing routine?

[E]

It's coming up. We're coming up, Tony. We're coming up. We're getting there, pumpkin.

[A]

For those of you keeping track, though, a fun fact is that she also

[C]

has no eyebrows whatsoever.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

It is incredible.

[H]

Get the Sharpie. Get the Sharpie.

[F]

Went from her eyebrows to her arms. Pits.

[A]

That's crazy.

[E]

It all ran right away.

[C]

Sunshine, what else do you like to do? What else are you into other than standup comedy?

[E]

Oh, you know, I like to go out to Ladybird Lake with my paddle board and look for bodies.

[C]

You know what else, dude?

[E]

I like to sing. I'm a singer.

[C]

You're a singer? Well, we had a singer on here before. What do you like to sing?

[E]

Would you like to hear some Amy Winehouse or some Janis Joplin?

[C]

Let's go. Amy Winehouse. What song do you know how to do?

[E]

Try to make Me go to Rehab?

[A]

I said no, no, no oh, yes,

[H]

I've been blamed but when I come

[A]

back, you know no, no, I ain't got the time and if my daddy

[E]

thinks I'm fine All right, I'm going

[A]

to save you, Sunshine There you go.

[C]

You had it.

[E]

We're having a good time. Tony, I don't know what you're doing.

[C]

I just hope you and Amy Winehouse have the same ending.

[H]

Yeah,

[E]

she didn't. I don't like pills much.

[F]

Lyrics were a song.

[A]

No, neither did Amy. Neither did Amy at the end. It was a very authentic performance.

[C]

Harlan Williams.

[H]

Maybe she's more like a Singer. Sewing machine. And you put together another outfit. How about that? But I love that name, Sunshine. It's beautiful. And I got an know, Sunshine, if you have twins, you're going to name them the Two scoops of Raisins.

[E]

I don't know what those names are, but for you, Harland, any. Anything. Yeah, sure.

[H]

All right. I'LL see you later tonight.

[E]

I like sun, but I don't need to be reproducing. I don't need to be reproducing. Let's be honest. What, Ian, I like you.

[F]

You're authentically yourself.

[C]

You're.

[F]

I look like jokes are pretty funny and if you can do those with like other things, I think you'd be all right. But you, I like your vibe.

[C]

You're.

[F]

You're nuts.

[C]

Sunshine, I like you too. Open up that little pocket there. I the front. Pull it, pull it out. I'm going to. I'm going to make this. I'm going to make this.

[E]

Don't let me take anything in here.

[C]

I'm going to make this joke book in there.

[A]

Just pull it out.

[J]

There you go.

[C]

Keep it open.

[A]

Ready? Oh. Get close enough. That was bad.

[C]

Here, let me try again. I'm ocd. Come on, let me try again. Let me try one more time. There it is.

[A]

Sorry. I'm really good at making into places.

[F]

Great job.

[A]

It would have with me all night if I didn't get that. They're to going sunshine, everybody. And a special treat from Sunshine to darkness, I present to you, Kill Tony hall of Famer, one of the legends of the show. Here to grace us with a performance. This is the return of David Lucas.

[F]

Yeah,

[O]

I'm glad I can afford to fly first class now. Not because I want to be bougie, but the seats are bigger. I used to hate flying coach because every time I fly a coach, they would have to bring me a seat belt extender. And when those stewardess bring those seat belt extenders, they hold that motherfucker high in the air. They hold that motherfucker in the air like a WCW championship belt. It's like, where the hell is the big show? I'm like, hey, ho, put that motherfucker down. I don't think America has an anti trans problem. I think America has an anti trying problem. Because nobody wants to see a fucking six five nigga in high heels. Like nobody wants to see a six two man with a fupa, you know what I'm saying? It's like if I want to see somebody tuck they stomach into their pants, I'll get me a Mexican bitch, you know what I mean? Them Mexican hoes tuck the shit out of that stomach. It's like, bitch, you ain't got no belly button. What the fuck going on? All you see is stomach. That's my time. Thank you.

[H]

Boom.

[A]

David Lucas again.

[C]

Just like with Cam, you know the thing you look for in Real comedy is. Is like perspective, right? Something that only you can talk about. And spot on. Not to make it too serious, but the seat belt extender, for you, it's. It's both. It's both. Why am I blanking out? Self deprecating. Self deprecating and funny to you. Your perspective. And you nailed both.

[A]

Where.

[C]

What's your favorite airline?

[O]

That was all day.

[C]

Oh, okay. Oh, Oh, I bet. I bet they got charcuterie boards.

[O]

Nigga, that shit is.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[C]

Charcuterie. Is that one of your cousins?

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[O]

Tony, we're so appreciative of you because you gave us that eclipse today. Wait, when you put your booty hole in the sky. That was Tony opening and closing his asshole.

[A]

Oh, my God, look at Harlin Williams.

[O]

Harlon Williams. You look like Tyler Perry presents Back to the Future. Marty, in exactly 60 seconds, this Cadillac is gonna go.

[H]

Well, at least I'm not back to the fucking buffet. How about that?

[A]

The front runner for Guest of the year 2024 flexing is DeVry Night School Certificate John Reinblatt is thrilled right now at his young.

[O]

Judging by your hair, you had an audition for Elvis, the stage play.

[H]

Well, that didn't go too well. Judging by your hair, the Children of the corn have diarrh.

[O]

You roast just like me. It makes no sense, but it's funny as hell.

[A]

Doesn't have to.

[H]

Yeah, you can't punch it. Me, I have no chin.

[O]

You sure don't. I had to choke your chest out. I grabbed that nigga by the. Oh, shit.

[C]

David Lucas.

[O]

Tony Hawkins here. That shit is crazy, man.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Soon you're also gonna be traveling by ramp. When they.

[A]

When they take your feet from the diabetes. You're in a wheelchair.

[O]

You was the only nigga to ride a skateboard with his ass. Y' all ever seen a booty hole backflip?

[C]

That's true. Catch me at the sex game.

[A]

Text games.

[O]

I love Tony, bro. I used to play that game to death, and I'm so confused about what to do. Y' all remember that song?

[C]

Yeah.

[G]

That song follows me everywhere.

[O]

That shit crazy.

[C]

They play.

[G]

I walked into a coffee shop and it starts playing, and the barista's looking

[C]

at me like,

[O]

you're tall as shit, bro.

[C]

I am.

[O]

You look like Tom Brady brother or some shit, nigga. When I saw him in the ground, like, God damn. This tall ass white dude.

[G]

I grew up very like a runt. So I got tall when I was about 16, 17, and it was fun for me because all the Ramps seemed a lot smaller then, and suddenly I

[C]

can go a lot higher. Interesting.

[O]

All right, all right.

[G]

That's my joke.

[A]

I'm teeing you up.

[O]

Yeah, there was nothing there. I like your hair, nigga. You look like.

[I]

Like a.

[O]

With that brown and gray. You look like a juvenile German shepherd. That crazy.

[A]

Whoa, whoa.

[H]

Look at your hair. It looks like Predator sent his kid to Jenny Craig.

[A]

Oh, my God. Harland Williams.

[H]

I got to look up for my.

[A]

Oh, my God. We fly home with how I let

[O]

this kung fu squirrel roast me. That is crazy. You look like a squirrel with a lot of knowledge. If you start collecting acorns in June.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[H]

And I just ripped your nuts out with that last show. Thank you, Donnie Reinblatt.

[A]

Oh, Donnie Reinblack.

[H]

Education pays.

[C]

That's right. David Lucas. Have you ever. You ever skate? I know you can't do thin ice, but you ever get on a skateboard before?

[O]

Get your sensitive ass out of here.

[C]

The David's the only guy that tries to ride on a charcuterie board.

[O]

You can sniff cheese and tell how old it is.

[A]

With my butthole. With his butthole.

[O]

I forgot to put the booty in there. That's the only way to make it gay.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

What else is going on?

[O]

You dress like you just bought a million dollar dildo. Nigga, that shit's crazy as a motherfucker. This dildo was made out of melted down rubber bands. I don't know why you got that shit on. Nigga, your ass look crazy as hell.

[C]

Hell.

[O]

Well, blazing saddles on your shoulder. That's this.

[C]

This is ostrich.

[A]

Not all of us are.

[O]

You got camel skin that committed suicide that didn't drink water for like 60 days.

[A]

Oh, my Harlen.

[O]

Give me another one, bro. I got.

[H]

What's that?

[O]

I want you to roast me again. I want that 65 year old roast.

[C]

What about. What about.

[O]

What about Harlan Chen look just like his nut sack. That shit crazy. Your doctor give you a prostate exam on your neck? Nigga, that's crazy.

[C]

Hey, Harlan.

[H]

Yeah?

[O]

You the only nigga with Truck nuts for a chin. That's crazy. You got Truck Nuts. Boy your ass out here, boy.

[H]

Did you just call me the N word? Hell. Oh, yeah, finally.

[C]

What about Ian Finance over here? You're looking at the world's fucking most diabolical pedophile. And skipping right over him.

[O]

He look like he got a permanent disguise mask on. You know the one that come. The one that come with the glasses and the nose.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[O]

But back to Harlan nigga, with. With that motherfucking neck, nigga, you look like a. You look like a protected turkey. Nigga, your ass. That's the turkey they bring out to the White House. Ain't nobody killing that motherfucker. Let me hear you say gobble gobble one time, nigga.

[H]

This guy goes to IHOP and looks for girls with one fucking leg.

[O]

If I get roasted by another joke from the time when niggas had to go through the back of restaurants, oh, my God. I used to roast my granddaddy with them same jokes, nigga.

[H]

Oh, there's that N word again.

[O]

David, Just write it. Just write it.

[C]

David Lucas, you are a force of nature.

[H]

How can you not be wearing girls jeans?

[C]

Absolutely.

[O]

Harley, stand up. Let us see your jeans.

[A]

Uh oh, uh, oh, uh, oh. That's the real deal right there. That's.

[O]

Hey, Harley. Harley, your jeans came with janitor keys. Nigga, your ass. You can hear that nigga walking through the hallway from a mile away. Harley can open up any door in Austin, bitch. That shit crazy.

[A]

What a battle.

[B]

How that nigga look?

[O]

Boy, you out here looking like a motherfucking Mississippi preacher that get bit by a rattlesnake. Nigga, you know them preachers that let the snakes bite him and be like, God is gonna keep me alive? That's that nigga right there, boy.

[H]

Dude, you look like in living color after the crayons were left out in the sun. How about that?

[A]

This is amazing. What a showdown. DeVry versus deep fry. Battle of the titans. I can't escape. This is comedy at its finest.

[O]

Being roasted by a gay and a geriatric nigga. Hey, Harlem. You don't know it, but they hid your medicine in that liquor you drinking.

[H]

This is the only city in the country where the fucking eclipse lasted three hours until he finally sat. The fuck?

[A]

It's over. It's over. Give him a hand this nice time.

[H]

Give my son a hand.

[A]

He's pre op father gonna be in the morning. Unbelievable. What a performance. This is the difference between people out of the bucket.

[C]

Golden ticket win regulars. And then all of a sudden, a Kiltoni hall of Famer.

[A]

That is David Lucas. That is what he does. This is who he is. Built strong here in the Kiltoni universe. Anything you want to plug, David?

[C]

What else?

[O]

Hey, man, I'm all on tour all across the country, man. Just check my website out. Davidlucascomedy.com, i love y'. All.

[A]

He's flying first class. You've been wondering why all those Boeing Flights have been going down. It's because they're front heavy.

[H]

You said give himself a plug. You should go fill the black hole in outer space. How about that?

[A]

All right. Final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Morgan Bounds, everybody. Morgan bounds. One more time for Morgan Bounds, everybody. Come on.

[D]

I have a problem. I want to get married real bad, but the guys I like would kill me with a gun given the chance. I like blue collar men. Like hands so dirty you think you're going to get some kind of weird infection. But unfortunately for me, I look like a lesbian crystal witch whose primary spell is like summon chlamydia. Yeah, they think I'm crazy on first glance alone. And I think it's fucked up. I'm like, if you would just get to know me for 10 more seconds, you would finally realize I've got a great fucking rack. I'm multifaceted, I really am. But I am seeing a guy. And what I'm doing is every time we hook up, I make him a bomb ass breakfast in the morning. Like really Southern good breakfast. And the goal is I Pavlov him. And when he sees an omelet with his eyeballs, his dick gets hard. I think that could be cool. No, no. Like he drives by a Denny's and he's like, fuck, I gotta call this bitch. Dude, I fucked it up. I did, I fucked it up. Cause the other day he got arrested in a McDonald's jerking off on a McGriddle. Giving it the old Max. Thank you, guys. I'm Morgan.

[E]

Fuck yeah.

[C]

Morgan bounds making her Kill Tony debut. Welcome. How long you been on standup?

[D]

Like maybe three months.

[C]

Okay. All of it here in Austin?

[D]

Yes. Uh huh.

[C]

What made you want to start doing standup?

[D]

Oh, no, I don't know. I go to a lot of comedy shows and I've been known to get a giggle or two. Not tonight, but you know.

[C]

Okay, thank you. It was good. You got a giggle. Like that lady said, you got a giggle. It's fine. Three months. What do you do for a living?

[D]

I am a. I'm a district manager for Zoomies. Hi. So I know skateboards. Has anyone ever told you you look like Tony Hawk? So yeah. Yeah. So you're the first today. Yeah, it's a retail store and I run nine of them.

[C]

What is Zumies?

[D]

So it's like T shirts and shoes and skateboards. It's like a teen action sports retailer.

[C]

It's like a skateboard store.

[D]

Yeah, kind of.

[E]

Holy shit.

[C]

What are the fucking Odds of this. That's incredible. That's un. Unbelievable.

[G]

I might. I might have put her on the top there.

[C]

Amazing.

[D]

Collusion is what that is. I love it.

[A]

Did they sell pants there?

[D]

Yeah, of course. Yeah, I have on pants.

[C]

Okay. All right. There's something under there. We were all wondering the same thing.

[A]

Red band more. Sorry, I have on pants.

[C]

Red band's a little more disgusting than the rest of us.

[A]

So.

[C]

He popped the question first. You are wearing pants. Some guy's so disappointed, he just broke a beer bottle over his head. Yeah, he was really hoping this was a no pants situation.

[D]

Sorry.

[H]

I thought he was staring so hard he dropped one of his contact lenses.

[A]

Somebody winded the rye.

[H]

Can I ask you. You know, I'm a nut about ink. I love tattoos. I see that.

[N]

Your leg.

[H]

What is it? It's 24.94, by the way, the same year I lost my virginity. Now tell me that's crazy.

[D]

That's the year I was born, dad.

[H]

What in the name of Carol Burnett?

[A]

Wow.

[H]

There she is. No wonder she's trembling.

[D]

Yeah, I'm anemic and I'm scared.

[H]

So tell me about that tattoo.

[A]

My.

[D]

That is my father's race car number. We do drag racing and. Yeah, it's his 69 Nova, so.

[C]

Wow.

[Q]

Wow.

[C]

Incredible. 69 Nova? He's racing a 69 Nova? What kind of races are these?

[D]

It's drag race. So it's eighth mile and quarter mile on a straight track. You do a burnout and you go fast. That's it.

[H]

In a Nova?

[D]

In a Nova, it's badass. It's a really cool car. He has a roadster too, but the Nova has been around since before I was born. He's had it forever.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

So you're close with your dad?

[D]

They live far. I don't see them often, but we're cool. We chat.

[C]

Okay. That's why you're not funny.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[H]

That's my daughter you're talking to.

[A]

Wait, you hear that?

[H]

Watch your mouth.

[C]

No, I love it. I'm just kidding. Morgan, what do you do for fun? What else? Tell us more about you. You look like you're the mayor of Austin, Texas. You have the tattoos, the bangs, the vitamin D deficiency.

[D]

I look like Velma on ketamine is what I always say.

[C]

That's true, that's true.

[D]

I played Dungeons and Dragons. Who guessed?

[A]

Uh oh. Someone's fucking Hans Kim tonight.

[C]

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. What is your sex life like? I've been not asking enough people that lately. But since you're not wearing pants, I feel like it makes sense.

[D]

I. I pull. I do. Okay. Yeah, that's good.

[C]

What's your. What type of guys are you into?

[H]

She said she pulls. She has a vibrator.

[A]

Oh, she fucks elves.

[D]

I don't discriminate. I like. I like tall, but, you know, like, I like charisma more, I guess.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[H]

Daddy's home.

[A]

Uhoh. Uhoh, uhoh. Somebody's going to 69 Nova tonight.

[F]

Ladies and gentlemen, start your boners.

[C]

Incredible. Have you done stuff on stage before?

[D]

I. I did, like, theater in college, which is more embarrassing than this one.

[C]

What did you play during theater? What was your character?

[D]

I was in a full length called Messiah on a Frigidaire, which is like a white trash. I don't know. Like they think they see the image of Jesus on a refrigerator. It's dumb, but it was really bad.

[C]

Okay.

[H]

It's like the Shrouded Turin in Cleveland.

[A]

Ah, yeah.

[C]

I love it. What else do you do for fun before we get you out of here? Morgan Bounds?

[D]

I don't know. I like. I play video games. I'm like. I look. I do exactly what I look like. I do.

[C]

Yeah, it's not Dungeons and Dragons video games. What about the Wild side of Morgan? What's like a guilty pleasure? Something.

[D]

I like to get naked at the Renaissance festival.

[A]

Wow. Holy shit.

[C]

You get like completely naked at a Renaissance festival?

[D]

It depends on the day. I don't know. I'm a season pass holder, so we'll see.

[C]

Oh, my goodness. Tell us more about what brings you to the. What do you love about the Renaissance Festival?

[D]

The nighttime is really cool. Like, it's camping. And there's all these clans that do different things. You're not supposed to tell about it,

[A]

but red bands googling tickets to Renaissance Festival right now. Yeah, Texas one.

[D]

Yeah, Texas Renaissance Festival.

[A]

He's hard as a rock because he found out they search. Turkey legs there.

[C]

Longest set you've ever done. You're three months in.

[D]

I did. I've done a 15, but I'd love

[A]

to have you do five minutes at the secret show. Whoa. You fucking pig. You fucking disgusting pig. You are the worst.

[D]

Does he lying to me.

[C]

You're the worst.

[D]

Okay, that'd be great.

[A]

There you go. Thursday night, you just got booked at a real show. And I'll tell you what.

[C]

I'll give you a big joke book

[A]

just because I was busy during your set and I don't know what happened.

[C]

Terrible. You catch like you have anemia.

[A]

There she goes. Morgan Bounds, everybody. And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you our final performer of the night. Indeed, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony hall of famer. The man who has the record for all time appearances on the show, all time interviews, the reigning defending goat of Kill, Tony. He is indeed the Vanilla Gorilla, the Philly Philanthroper, the. The Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed your very own own, and our very own, the one and only, William Montgomery.

[M]

Did y' all see the eclipse today? It was actually great, but my fucking eyes have been killing me. I actually didn't know what caused an eclipse, so I looked it up and apparently it's when Lizzo walks in front of the sun. Fat bitch. Okay. And by the way, if you don't believe in climate change, then explain why we've had all, all of these eclipses lately, dumbass.

[L]

Okay.

[M]

And this is a serious deal, this next one. Tony. During my last tour of Afghanistan, I came face to face with a jihadi. I had a gun to his head, he had a gun to mine. So I said, well, can I bomb a smoke? He shook his head and said in his native tongue, you shouldn't smoke. And he handed me a nicotine lozenge. I said, thank you, kind sir. What is your name? And he said, zin Ladin.

[A]

Okay, that's what it's like 59 seconds on the dot. Zin Ladin.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

What did you think?

[M]

Was it too much buildup or am I onto something with that?

[C]

I think it was great. I think it's fine. You do a lot of quick jokes. I think sometimes we can be patient.

[M]

Yeah, just stretch it out a little. Why are you laughing, dumbass? You've been fucking being mean as shit to people all night. You need to relax, Arland.

[H]

There's two things about you I want to say, and this is for real, from the heart. A, you're the only comedian on the whole circuit. By looking at you, we guess probably has a time machine. And two, there's a cabin somewhere with three naked priests hanging upside down, covered in Heinz relish.

[M]

Yes, in Montana. I have a.

[C]

That is true. That is true. I see you eyeballing the goat. Tony Hawk.

[O]

Yeah.

[M]

Oh, my gosh, Tony, it is so nice to meet you. I just met you up there. You were growing up. You caused a lot of heartache. Honestly, my family. My mom was quite the hypochondriac. She was just this crazy woman, kind of. And I was never allowed to skateboard, but I looked up to you so much. So it really just caused a lot of pain. It caused a lot of strife.

[C]

Knowing I could thank you.

[G]

That you could play video games and emulate what we do.

[M]

Yeah, it was safer. I know the video games, like 1080. I was a big fan of the snowboarding game because I wasn't allowed to skateboard. So then I went real hard in the snowboarding game genre, but just the

[G]

skateboarding game was too dangerous. Is that what you're saying?

[K]

Correct.

[M]

I just wasn't allowed to. My mom had these rules. I wasn't allowed to skateboard. So because of that, I honestly think it really left this weird hole in my heart. So I just played. I. I love 1080.

[C]

That was a really good. I got that. He was a great snowboarder.

[A]

You might recognize him.

[C]

This is Shaun White's grandfather.

[A]

We love you, Joel.

[B]

Sean.

[A]

We love Sean.

[C]

Ian Finance. Looking right down the eye of the storm. You're the closest to him. How does it feel over there next to the big red machine himself?

[F]

Scary, but inspiring. It's nice. That was great.

[M]

Thank you so much, man.

[F]

Did you just combine, man and Ian.

[M]

I'm not kidding. I'm literally just seeing the eclipse mark in my eyes. I thought it was fine with it being cloudy. I swear to God, I'm seeing something in my right eye. It looks like an eclipse.

[C]

So we did see a picture of you earlier looking directly at the eclipse. This is a real thing. Everybody else, every other comedian, it seems, posted a picture with them with the eclipse glasses on, not William.

[M]

I had to look up at it. Tony. I'm thinking, thinking, it's gonna be funny. And it seemed okay. And then afterwards I'm thinking, oh, this is cheesy. Why am I doing this? I don't know. I had a lot of self doubt today about everything. I had no idea you were again. Then I find out you're here. I swear, it was just so awkward with my mom growing up. I wanted to skateboard so fucking bad. She let my ass. Fucking roller, roller blade. Did you ever do that?

[G]

I did not do that.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[M]

It's. I mean, people aren't supposed to be, but wow.

[G]

No, no. Kick flips and rollerblading, so.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you ever try anything tricky in rollerblading, William?

[M]

No, I was never able to. I wasn't allowed. We didn't have rollerblades either, so I couldn't.

[C]

Well, what was the thing that you were allowed to do? What did you do? Did you ever go down.

[M]

What was that weird cackle? What was that? I mean, I'm kind of bombing up here, so. What the. I swear to God I'm seeing an eclip lips in my eyes right now. Was it you?

[C]

Did you. Did you ever. Did you ever do anything as a kid? I've never really asked you this like what were you into?

[M]

Lincoln Logs. I was a Lincoln Logs kid.

[A]

Wow. Yeah.

[M]

Yeah, the Indian guy likes the Lincoln Logs a lot, but yeah.

[C]

Did you ever win any awards available? Any kind growing up?

[M]

The Daniel Shores Award. I was a big swimmer. Daniel Shores sadly died. He was in the back of a Volvo and a truck slammed into the back of it. So they had a. A prize for him at the where I swam.

[C]

And you won his award?

[M]

I won the Daniel Shores Award. My name's on a black somewhere in Memphis, so.

[C]

Well, you know who else has won some awards as of late, including three last night at the Country Music Music Awards is one of the greatest performers of our time and a huge member of the Kill Tony universe and fandom and why don't you stay up here, William, as I introduce one of the greatest Kill Tony fans existing in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jelly Roll.

[A]

Oh shit. Oh shit.

[B]

Somebody sa Me yeah me for myself I spent so long living in hell

[Q]

hell

[B]

will they say my lifestyle is bad for my health it's the only thing that seems to have. All of this drinking and smoking is ho hopeless but feel like it's all that I need Something inside of me's broken I hold on to anything that sets me free you know this I'm un. Baby, don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged behind repair Life is shattered My hopes and my dreams how my love comes and baby don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged beyond repair life is shattered my hopes and my dreams Woo

[C]

yes.

[A]

Hell yeah. Jelly Roll. Oh my God.

[B]

They say my lifestyle is bad for my hair it's the only thing that seems to him. All of this drinking and smoking is hopeless it feels like it's all that I need Something inside of me's broken Last night I won three mothers cmt I'm a lost call and baby don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged beyond repair that's why I'm a fan of Kill Tony I'm a love co oh baby Tony, don't waste your time on me I'm so damaged beyond repair. Red Bear, don't hit that damn cat on me.

[A]

Oh my God. How long can this place get for fucking jolly Roll?

[B]

I love you Tony. I love you, Tony.

[A]

God damn it. We did it again. Make some noise for Harlan William. Make the noise for tony hawk, Ian Finance. One more fucking time for Jelly Roll. And the best damn band in the land. Shawn Greenberg, John Dee, Steve Madness, Michael Gonzalez, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa and fucking Esteban Viejo. The drawing room Reindeer E Belt is in.

[C]

Thank you to ZipRecruiter and Shopify.

[A]

Unbelievable stuff happening. The stream for the forum is now

[C]

on sale right now.

[A]

So that's a two night event.

[C]

The Forum, the YouTube theater. You can catch it absolutely live or

[A]

you could wait weeks for it.

[C]

It's up to you. No pressure, But Hans Kim vs. Rick Diaz 2 is on the line at the fourth forum. And a lot of other fun stuff going on. How about one more time for Harlan

[A]

Williams, Tony Hawk, Ian Finance and Jelly Roll. Special shout out to fan of the

[C]

show and unbelievable artist, the great Dan

[A]

Auerbach of the Black Keys up there watching. Maybe one day we'll be able to convince them to come down and play with us.

[C]

One day.

[A]

Who knows?

[C]

Anything can happen.

[A]

Redband guys, check out Tony Hawk's amazing

[H]

video games on all the systems.

[A]

I love him. I love your promoing Tony Hawk. Like Tony Hawk needs more help. But seriously, check out Hawk vs Wolf with the great Jason Ellis. That's Tony Hawk's podcast, Harlan's podcast, the Harlan Highway. Guest of the year nominee 2024. And I think he pulled out even farther out tonight. And you know, there's nothing we love more than having some of the top young rising comedians on panel. One more time for Ian Finance. His special is out now. Wild, happy and free. April 21. It is out the be an Ian pod as well. We love you guys. You guys have fun tonight. We love you. Good night, everybody.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[B]

Sam.