#662 - DANIEL VAN KIRK

Summary

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KILL TONY #662 – DANIEL VAN KIRK

May 7, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban
Guest: Daniel Van Kirk
Special Event: Night of bucket-drawn comics, crowd participation, and wild interviews.

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony features stand-up comic and actor Daniel Van Kirk as the guest judge, returning to the show with a brand new special, Rose Gold, out on YouTube. The theme of this night leans heavily into the heart of the show's format: aspiring comics drawn at random, performing a minute of stand-up, then being roasted, prodded, and coached by Tony, Redban, and their guest. Tonight is filled with crazy stories—from Molly-fueled foursomes, to sugar mamas, to living in hammocks, to a data analyst from London kissing an American for the first time. It’s a classic, chaotic, and rowdy Kill Tony, with memorable insights and advice from Van Kirk along the way.

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Notable Segments & Key Moments

1. Opening & Panel Introduction [04:42]

• Tony Hinchcliffe hypes the crowd and presents Daniel Van Kirk. He notes that Daniel was last on the show before the pandemic:

  “You’ve been on this show before. Pre-pandemic, way back in the day.” (05:30)

• Van Kirk is excited to be back, and Tony hints at possible surprises with an empty panel seat.

2. Show Format Refresher [06:13]

• Tony explains the process: comedians are randomly called from a bucket, get 60 seconds of stage time, and are signaled by a “kitten” sound when time is up, before transitioning to an interview segment.

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3. Regular Set: Casey Rocket [07:36-14:34]

• Delivers a surreal, absurd set involving eating plastic babies and watching Mancer’s reruns.
• Quote:

  “The only thing I’ve had to eat today is a poached egg and three of those little plastic babies they put in the center of Mardi Gras cake.” (07:40)

• Banter follows about law firm names, working as a receptionist, and hypothetical dates with Daniel at Knott’s Berry Farm, ramping up the show’s playful energy.

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4. First Bucket Pull: Joseph Kirkimme [15:08-26:41]

• Jokes on ambiguous ethnicity and a girlfriend’s OnlyFans content.
• Tony and Daniel roast and coach Joseph, helping him restructure his jokes for punchier effect.
• Quote (Van Kirk’s advice):

  “If you set up another plant in your OnlyFans... that’s going to be the callback hit for the audience.” (18:01)

• Joseph awkwardly reveals his wildest story: a Molly-fueled foursome in Vegas (“That’s not disappointing at all.” – Tony, 24:15).

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5. Second Bucket Pull: Maddie G [27:49-38:20]

• Jokes about immigrants and gun sales. Tony calls him out for repeating old material from a previous appearance.
• Revealed that Maddie sleeps in a hammock, inside a sleeping bag, indoors and upstairs (!).
• The panel discusses the logistics of hammock sex and the lack of a bathroom mirror:

  “You have a sleeping bag that you get into inside of the hammock? …There is just layers of stupidity happening here.” – Tony (31:59)

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6. Isaac Kane Brown [39:33-46:13]

• Takes the stage with edgy jokes about growing up with an autistic brother and self-deprecating humor.
• Reveals he’s a Marine veteran, currently living in Austin courtesy of a married “sugar mama” he met on Bumble.
• Quote:

  “My own mama would pick Drake over me… Even if she picks me over Drake, that bitch don’t make good decisions.” (47:34 - Cam Patterson set)

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7. Regular Set: Cam Patterson [47:34-51:03]

• Hilarious bit about Drake following his girlfriend on Instagram and feeling immediately outclassed:

  “Like, you getting better in life… it’s kinda like Drake is the Avengers, but you like the Guardians of the Galaxy.” (47:57)

• Gets high praise from Daniel Van Kirk for commanding the room’s energy.

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8. Surprise Interview: John “Jono” from Trinidad & Tobago [52:52-63:58]

• Spontaneously called up due to his striking looks (blond hair, sharp outfit).
• Charms the panel with stories of moving to Austin for an ex, working in software, and his “Globetrotter of white pussy” status.

  “If I'm being real, probably three [white girls] today.” (57:47)

• Demonstrates playful confidence about sex and life, earning “most interesting interview of the night.”

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9. Jacob Canter [65:28-74:52]

• Shares jokes about sobriety, getting arrested trying to eat marijuana in front of a cop, and being a Whole Foods supervisor.
• Receives sharp structural notes from Daniel on blending storytelling and jokewriting, avoiding hacky filters, and mining real life for material (70:54).

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10. Lee Hudson (UK Import) [75:26-81:47]

• Revisits the show (appeared in 2019 in London) with tight, dark jokes about depression and stepmothers.
• Memorable moment: Tony orchestrates an audience interaction—Lee gets his first American kiss and the audience meets Crystal, a new comic.

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11. Crystal Lee: First-Time Comedian [81:47-88:26]

• Describes herself as “trans fat,” delivers self-deprecating humor, and shares her unique “bedroom moves”:

  “It’s the dolphin—when a guy tries to stick it in my ass and I go ‘ah ah ah!’” (86:29)

• Showcased as a “fishnets caught a whale” (Tony, 84:19), gets roasted and celebrated for strong stage presence in her debut.

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12. Golden Ticket Winner: Martin Phillips [89:24-98:28]

• Delivers deadpan, clever jokes about flowers and Bloody Marys.
• Receives a heartfelt testimonial from Tony about Martin’s progression and commitment:

  “You made your set and he decimated. I mean, he crushed this room… watching you constantly get better.” (92:44)

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13. Micah Brown [99:28-106:29]

• Performs a set on yoga pants and camouflage, then vulnerably shares a real-life moment:
  His baby mama’s boyfriend just died, leaving Micah conflicted about feeling relief.
• Daniel advises:

  “Stay away from 'Don’t you love when your ex’s boyfriend dies?’ …Let how fucked up your life is be funny.” (104:14, 105:41)

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14. David Gamble (Final Bucket Pull) [106:53-116:13]

• Jokes about missionary sex, thrift store proverbs, and being a “world’s tallest midget.”
• Reveals he lives in a basement apartment below his own Airbnb in Colorado Springs (“You’re always—you’re, like, permanently the people under the stairs…” – Tony, 110:33).
• The panel pokes fun, teases his loneliness, and gives him relationship and career advice (including some “Mark Wahlberg” improv).

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15. Hall of Famer: William Montgomery (Show Closer) [117:11–end]

• Does a rapid-fire set with O.J. Simpson, Biden, and LeVar Burton jokes, then needles Daniel Van Kirk about walking out during his favorite old set.
• Tells a wild story about causing an elderly opener to faint with his new “Boring!” catchphrase and shares anxiety about performing on the road.

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Standout Quotes & Moments

• “What are you, the world’s tallest midget?” – Tony to David Gamble [110:58]
• “You have the wisdom of a 300-year-old samurai legend.” – Tony to Casey Rocket [10:06]
• “You would be the greatest first date I’ve ever had.” – Daniel Van Kirk to Casey Rocket [13:22]
• “This is the weirdest D’Angelo song I’ve ever heard.” – Redban, as John/Jono describes his sex moves [62:17]
• “Your fishnets caught a whale.” – Tony to Crystal Lee [84:19]
• “You just got squatted. Welcome back to squattin’.” – Redban on Airbnb risks [112:06]
• “I’m trying to build a barrier between myself and smoking cigarettes. And, Tony, I’m actually using...cinder blocks.” – William Montgomery [117:59]

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Daniel Van Kirk’s Comic Advice (timestamped)

On Setup and Callback (Joseph):

“If you set up another plant in your OnlyFans...that’s going to be the callback hit for the audience.” (18:01)

On Writing from Personal Experience (Micah):

“Don’t feel bad for me because my kid thinks I have the coolest job in the world...Let how fucked up your life is be funny.” (104:04, 105:41)

On Finding Your Voice (Jacob):

“It just felt a little Nate Bargatze to me...I avoided watching pretty much any specials for my first few years just because the natural way of just copying people. So I just wanted to find my voice on stage.” (68:10–68:47)

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Structural Highlights

• Recurring Gags: WNBA draft fake updates, audience call-ups, “Mark Wahlberg” and “Drake” references.
• Crowd Participation: Spontaneous interviews, surprise audience comic (Crystal).
• Coaching: Real-time joke doctoring and coaching by Daniel Van Kirk, Tony, and Redban.
• Authenticity: Several moments highlight the value of truth and vulnerability in stand-up.

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Overall Episode Tone

Wild, irreverent, packed with roasting, crowd energy, and honest conversations about comedy and life. Daniel Van Kirk fits seamlessly, offering constructive feedback, riffing on bits, and playing into the organized chaos of Kill Tony.

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For fans of comedy, stand-up craft, and rowdy crowd work, this is a can't-miss installment with heart, laughs, and memorable moments from both comedians and audience.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Redban and you're listening

[Brian Redban]

to the death squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquad tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony [e-mail] and the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to sunsetstripatx.com and now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the week.

[Brian Redban]

Kill Tony live from Los Angeles, CA. Friday, May 10th at the Kia Forum and Sunday, May 12th at the YouTube Theater. You can watch it live online while it [e-mail] get your tickets now. Don't miss anything. See it [e-mail].

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

We.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got who's who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for ribbing, everybody. You did, you're here. The number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Cook, unity, DraftKings and game time. How about a hand for the best stand band in the land, huh? The great Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo and Fernando Castillo on the horns, not to be confused with Michael Gonzalez on the drum. The mortician Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. And joining us on the bass tonight, make some noise for Nick Lewis, everybody. Deep Madness went to a different venue tonight. He didn't have anybody to help him. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[Brian Redban]

Sam. The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's show? Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest guests in the history of the show. His brand new special is out now. Rose Gold on YouTube. One of the funniest people we've ever had on. We're going to have so much fucking fun tonight. Make some noise for the great and powerful Daniel Van Kirk, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Daniel Van Kirk, one of the rising stars of the world, works with the Sklar Brothers Scoville.

[Brian Redban]

You got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's back. The ghost of Brody.

[Brian Redban]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daniel, welcome back.

[Brian Redban]

Positive energy. Yes.

[Jacob Canter]

Arms crossed.

[Brian Redban]

Kicked out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome Back. Daniel, we're gonna. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You've been on this show before. Pre Pandemic, way back in the day.

[Brian Redban]

Back in the day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. We've had a lot of these three person panels and a lot of chaos lately. I like it. We're getting back to our basics tonight. Who knows? There is one empty seat. So something crazy could happen. Possibly. But something crazy is going to happen anyway because we're here at Kill Tony. Daniel, you may remember over 200. Used to be 100 last time you did it, but now over 200 human beings sign up for the opportunity, the chance to get on the show.

[Brian Redban]

If I still get to stab him. Yeah, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry of us Hollywood. And that cuts them off. And then I interview them. We find out more about them all together, about more about their lives, what they could possibly talk about, where their lives are at, where their lives are going. All of a sudden they go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast that fast, right in front of our very eyes. I'm pre pulling a name out of this bucket. They will get wrangled from across the street at a bar, Four Choices here on 6th Street. And that's the name of the bar. It's also the name of the thing that people that go to that bar do. And while that person's getting wrangled, I'm gonna bring up one of our esteemed regulars. One of the funniest young bucks in all of comedy. A polarizing figure, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very fun. He's in a tight sense space for what he is used to tonight, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the top young rising stars in all of standup comedy. This is Kill Tony's very own Casey Rocket.

[Brian Redban]

All right, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Sorry if I seem a little off tonight. I'm starving. The only thing I've had to eat today is a poached egg and three of those little plastic babies they put at the center of Mardi Gras cake. So I'm a lot easier going down there coming out, right, fellas?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I mean?

[Casey Rocket]

Been pissing babies. It's just tough around the holidays.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Speaking. It's funny you bring that up.

[William Montgomery]

I.

[Casey Rocket]

It's been a stressful Night. I'm exhausted. I stayed up all night watching Mancer's reruns on Spike TV again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Casey Rocket]

Remember that show, can boobs eat fettuccine Alfredo? Tragic crowd surf. Watch out.

[William Montgomery]

It's just tough.

[Casey Rocket]

It's tough to think about. God, politics are so hard this time of year. Around Christmas, I am I the only guy who sees one of these Trump hats and you start thinking, all right. I kissed my best friend, Barry Carter, when I was six years old while I was playing Truth or dare. And it left me really sexually confused until my early 20s, even though I knew I wasn't attracted to men.

[Brian Redban]

You know what I mean?

[Casey Rocket]

This border situation, it's crazy. It's just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you, Casey Rocket. You're a wild, wild boy. He's done it again. Three plastic babies in his belly right now. So cool.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know if this has ever been said before, but I've never seen Carrot Top without the props. Wow. Oh, don't, don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got news for you. Always got a little something up his sleeve or in his pocket. What do we. What do we got tonight, Casey? Anything. Piss shirt dick. Come on now, get real.

[Brian Redban]

You're like a fire hose they let go of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a great description. Description of Casey Rocket.

[Brian Redban]

I've also wondered what happened to all the background actors from Friday Night Lights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now I know this is one of the young bucks. Here he is. You did great. Oh, thank you.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, good.

[Brian Redban]

Laughs.

[Maddie G]

Yeah, that was good.

[Casey Rocket]

Big fun Monday night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A Maners reference. I haven't heard the word maners in probably what, a decade and a half or so?

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, it struck me right before I came up. Maner. What a funny show. Yeah, it was all, can boobs eat eat blank. It's like, can boobs float in Iraq?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're like, why?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Why Iraq?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but I would stay. I would watch the commercials to find out.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was always curious, what's some of the stuff that you watched when you were. How old are you, Casey? I can never tell. You have the wisdom of a 300 year old samurai legend, but. Oh, sorry.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm getting a phone call.

[David Gamble]

Can I take.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, take it.

[Casey Rocket]

Law offices of Tarlow and Tarlow.

[Brian Redban]

Uh huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Cool.

[Casey Rocket]

Well, she deserves it, man. Caitlin Clark just got picked with the number one pick in the WNBA draft.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Maddie G]

I know.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's awesome. Hell yeah. She earned it. She did.

[Brian Redban]

She did earn it.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Great season.

[Brian Redban]

How long you been with Tyler? And Tyler?

[Casey Rocket]

Oh, Law offices of Tyler and I moonlight as a receptionist. Charlo and Tarlo. I should have told you guys this. Yeah, I was supposed to be. Supposed to be working tonight.

[Brian Redban]

And I think you still are.

[Casey Rocket]

I kind of am in some ways.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Someone called the law offices of Tyler and Tyler and they just to tell them the. Whoever the receptionist may be that Caitlin Clark got picked number one in the WNBA draft.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, I mean, it's pretty big news. That's kind of exciting. Yeah, I don't get a lot of calls like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are a lot of what? What are the.

[Brian Redban]

Hello?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Oh.

[Brian Redban]

Daniel Van Kirk and Associates. Some bitch got pick second, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. The draft seems to be moving along.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, they didn't say who. They just said somebody got picked second, that's all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know a lot of people while they're here, you know, their phones are locked up. It's a tight run ship. And a lot of you might be wondering what's happening with the WNBA draft. And the good news is we're here to update you throughout the evening. This is going to be a continuous thing. Red band has the board up. He actually has a lot of women's faces circled. I think he's doing a fantasy draft of some kind. Yes, a leopard has something to do with this. Believe it or not, of all things, Casey, what else is going on in your wacky world?

[Casey Rocket]

That's a big one. It's tarlow or bust for me. So it's been 50, 60 hours a week and it's hard to keep up with.

[Brian Redban]

God.

[Casey Rocket]

Life's been crazy around the holidays, so it's been cool to. I see it. I don't see it as work and I don't see this as work. Like you said. I mean, this is. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you met any of the Tarlers? I've never heard that last time.

[Brian Redban]

Or Tarlow?

[Casey Rocket]

Tarlow.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, God forbid.

[Casey Rocket]

It's Arlo. Tarlow and Scarlo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That is one of the odds of that.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, yeah, Just one of those freak accidents. It could have happened to anybody.

[Maddie G]

It was.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, it's Carlo. Carlo and Starlow Garland. And they're two of the most prestigious personal injury lawyers in Fort Lauderdale. So I got hooked up with them a couple months back. And it's pro bono right now, so I'm doing it free. I think you'll end up paying off in dividends.

[Brian Redban]

Casey, I'm gonna. I mean this for sincerity. You would be the greatest first date I've ever had.

[Casey Rocket]

Play your cards right, I'm a sweetie.

[Micah Brown]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, I'm dealing, partner. I'm dealing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where would you take them, Daniel? Where would you take Casey on a first date, Obviously.

[Brian Redban]

Cheesecake factory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, 100%.

[Brian Redban]

I want to see this man eat brown bread before I make any decisions about life.

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Where would you want to go on here? On our first date, where would you want to go? Oh, that's. Come on, we're just a couple of confused former 6 year olds. Where would you want to go? Oh, God, you can't say Chips.

[Casey Rocket]

Knoxberry Farms, I guess.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, you wanna go Knott's Berry, dude.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, that'd be fun.

[Brian Redban]

What is this, the final four episodes of the Bachelor? We're flying out to knots?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that would be cool.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. Dracula's castler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Dracula. I think I got scared saying Dracula and then transferred to the castle part too, which is. Dracula's castler is one of the. Another one of the best law firms out there. Casey, we absolutely love you. You did it again. You got the show started, silly.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun, likable, beautiful, beautiful boy. Casey, Rocket has us started. And now we go to the bucket. A lot of you guys know how this works. Could be a future legend, could be an insane person that signed up for this for no reason, with no preparation whatsoever. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Joseph Kirkimme, ladies and gentlemen, Joseph Kirkimme. Here we go.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

What's up, everyone? I'm half Middle Eastern, half white. Just thought I'd solve the mystery for everyone. I know it's a little bit confusing when I walk up here, look a little bit ambiguous. I get Mexican Jew a lot, which I know in Texas is a scary combination. I actually do stage magic. So if you guys want to see a trick. No? Okay. I'm going to do it anyways. All right. Jewish, Hispanic. I mean, on stage, that tricks whatever, but at the bank, that trick, it works like, your loan's been denied.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Approved.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

My girl, me been together for a little bit. My favorite thing about her, she does OnlyFans. Yeah, it's cool because anyone can subscribe to their profile and pay them to do a custom video. Anyone can do that. And I don't have enough time to finish this joke. So I guess now you know my girlfriend is onlyfans. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go ahead, finish it, Joseph.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I was gonna say. So she came up to me a couple weeks back. She was like, this guy subscribed to my profile and he paid me to make a video where I suck your dick and make you a sandwich. And he was really specific about the ingredients. It's like, that's wild. But I really want that roast beef sandwich on rye. That would be all right. Thanks everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joseph Kirkimme. Okay. Hi, Joseph. How are you?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This just in, Jamari Quay Jenkins picked third in the WNBA draft. Just a heads up before we get to our our new friend Jose. Breaking news, Jamara Quy Jenkins. I do believe one of John's cousins picked third. So we'll be getting updates throughout the evening here in the WNBA draft. Joseph, Kimi, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. Where at?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Mostly Tampa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tampa, Florida. That's where you live?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

That's where I used to live. I moved here recently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How recent did you move to Austin?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Like two weeks ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. How do you like it?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I like it. Yeah. No, it's cool. A lot of comics, a lot of cool people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely. It's all going on out here. How do you make a living?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I'm a software engineer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oof. All right, boy.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Well, right now, an unemployed software engineer. Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. I'm sure that'll work out for you. I hope so. Daniel Van Kirk, what do you think about this young buck?

[Brian Redban]

I thought you did good. You sort of, you double tap the identity joke. Like you kind of, you get a laugh out of it and then you go for the profile. I'd probably move that up in front just a little bit. Like I would come up with this. Like, I know you guys are trying to figure out who I am. Like, if you look at me straight out, I'm this. But you look at me like this. I'm this. Like, boom. Like, get to it right away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I agree.

[Brian Redban]

And then also if you set up another plant and you're OnlyFans, I got two things I love with my girlfriend. She makes great sandwiches. And not as onlyfans. And then you go later and you say what the person's requested. That's going to be the callback hit for the audience as to what you what the joke was. Because otherwise you had to like string back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Daniel Van KIRK Making Joseph Kirkimme 400% funnier in 20 seconds. Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

Only because I care. Only because.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah, no, I appreciate it.

[Brian Redban]

I don't know if you're gonna stab me or give me a loan.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

look at that. Lone stab. There's a loan.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

You never know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lone stab. What a great steakhouse.

[Brian Redban]

You Jim, you beautiful gem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Joseph, what's the other half?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Middle Eastern, Assyrian in Front. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my. Assyrian.

[Brian Redban]

Like a possum.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Just kind of sneak it in.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I might use that now. I made it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. We're gonna write a whole different. A whole different set for you.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Like, after you do the profile joke, you're like, you all. I'm John Turturro's kid. Like, do that joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I'm Andy Sandberg after an airbag hits him in the face. Yeah, See? See that? Big loud.

[Brian Redban]

I'm the guy that taught Patrick Swayze to move a penny. Go with that joke.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

Good reference. Good reference. Go watch Ghost Heathens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. You're that guy.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I get John Turturro a lot. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, for sure.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Anyone with a big nose, I get. That's basically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Gonzo.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah, I've got that.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. So what do you do for fun, Joseph?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I like to. Well, a lot of things. Video games. Take ADHD medication, play video games. That's always fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you're talking about Adderall.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah, that one's good. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You stay awake and you play video games.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

How many. How many mills you up to? What are you rocking right now? Dude? If you're less than 40, you're a no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

I want you coasting all day. Make me eggs at noon and midnight, dude.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Not fun till your heart starts palpating. It's not fun until your heart search palpitations.

[Brian Redban]

That's what I say about video games.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Abso fucking lutely. Is the girlfriend real?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah, she's real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she's really on OnlyFans?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No, it's like half a truth. I did used to kind of date a girl who did only fans. I didn't subscribe to her page, but I. I did offer to run it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I thought it would be funny. Like, I'd be like, oh, there's comedic material in here. And that's the only joke I really got out of it. Besides that. It was really sad. It was pretty sad, actually.

[Brian Redban]

That was like, how you ran it or her performance? Both.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Just all the above, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we can help her, too. We're going to give her some punch up and make her only fans a lot better. What did she specialize in on the only fans? This girl that you used to put your little Assyrian dipstick into.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I mean, I don't know if she had like a specific fetish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just like you never asked her what she does on her only fans?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Well, no, I knew what she did. I ran the page for a bit, if I may.

[Brian Redban]

You are a horrible manager.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

You just took off her clothes. That was the Fed. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Getting took off her clothes.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Feet stuff. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, feet stuff. You don't know?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

But, like, it wasn't, like a heavy foot stuff, you know, it was light foot stuff, whatever that is.

[Brian Redban]

Talk slower.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

So she took her shoes off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She had little tiny feet.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No, not. Not specific. Like, not that tiny. Just regular.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They weren't like deformed, tiny, miniature feet?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No, that's. They were pretty average. Feed. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Red band. What's her name? On Only fair. That's not. There you go. Red band. All right. Joseph, you are an interesting person. You are half Jewish. Is that correct?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that just a joke about your nose?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah, it's just about my nose. Yeah. I'm a Syrian. So, like, we. Christ came along. We said, we'd rather do that than, like, we were Jews before.

[Brian Redban]

Right?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

And then the Christians, like, we're gonna fucking kill you. Yeah.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

They're like, we can eat pork. And I'm like, I guess my ancestors, like, cool, let's do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah. Are any of your parents still strict about the religion and everything?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No, no, not really. I mean, like, they go to church every once in a while, but, like, the holidays and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you do stand up. You work in software, but you're unemployed. What about the Wild side of Joseph Kirkman? Give me something crazy that you do when you're not Adderall out playing video games. Jesus. Fuck. Nice. Whoa. Whoa. Go ahead. Wild side of Joseph side.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I don't know if I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The wildest thing you've ever done in your entire life, Joseph. Let me make it easier for you.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

The wildest thing I ever did in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

my life could be anything at all. Maybe. Maybe you went snowboarding down a black diamond level hill or something like that. Like, it could be anything.

[Brian Redban]

You're from Tampa, dude. You've definitely been shot at.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I mean, that's. I don't know if that's the wildest, though, being shot. Well, no one shot at me, but, you know, it's been. You know, the vicinity.

[Brian Redban]

You've been brandished. Brandishes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're trying to help you here. Come. Yeah, I mean, you have your entire life to reference.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Wildest thing that I can think of right now. And I guess this is. I don't know why I'm saying this on Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the correct answer. Whatever that is. Go right ahead Here we go. Who's ready for the answer of the question of two minutes ago? Here he is live on a podcast with the answer we've all been waiting for. The wildest reference of his life.

[Brian Redban]

The lights come down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Joseph Kirkimi.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

All that, all that build up, this is gonna be disappointing.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here. Still setting it up, ladies and gentlemen, having no idea how an interview works. All right, here we are, loading it up. Final answer. Joseph Kirkimi's wildest moment of his entire life.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

I had a Molly fueled foursome in Las Vegas with two Latina women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. That's not disappointing at all.

[Brian Redban]

You're right. How would anyone get comedy out of that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Foursome with three Latino women.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Two and a white girl. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two and a white.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah. I don't know why I included their Latina. I felt like that was it added to it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. We just got word. Those two Latina women and the white were the last three picks in the WNBA draft. So you're doing something right out there. Oh, there goes one right now to accept the new. There you go. Welcome to the team. That's the newest WNBA player right there. There goes Jamiroquai Jenkins to put on a jersey. It's absolutely incredible. This is a star studded audience, ladies and gentlemen. I've never seen a WNBA player with a full goatee, but that was incredible. You never know what's going to happen here. So tell us about this foursome. I mean, you seem like you would be overwhelmed with one. Let's just jump right into it. Vegas is crazy.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah. I don't know. Molly's hell of a drug. I guess things are normal.

[Brian Redban]

What kind of feet these girls got?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. Yeah.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

The Latin women had small. Like small six feet. Yeah, it's like size five women's.

[Brian Redban]

So let's talk about how you would get into something like this. Was it planned?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No.

[Brian Redban]

Did you know these women beforehand?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You take us through the evening instead of Detective Van Kirk over here doing his work for Tarler and Tarler Law Associates. Just take us out of this.

[Brian Redban]

Give me a second. I can break him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let this poor Jewish, I mean, Latino man.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, Barton Fink.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah, I guess the evening was we went to EDM concert. You know, like you do when you're on Molly. And then we ran into the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Oh, shit, that's for me. Okay, we ran.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to show business, Joseph Kirkland.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, shit, I'm on stage. What is this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you guys aren't gonna like this answer. But I once did heroin and slept with nine black men.

[Brian Redban]

I guess that that's the wildest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good luck. Good luck talking about that. Okay, Joseph, what happens here? Let's just take the Molly out of the equation. You're blaming. I can already tell you're blaming everything on the Molly. Where'd you meet the girls? What the fuck happened? Let's go.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

So we just met him at the. Well, we met one of the friends at the concert, and she wasn't a part of the foursome, but she introduced us to two other women. And then we said, let's go to strip club. And we were there till like 6am

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

oh, and were you doing drugs there?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

A little bit, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you on there?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Just a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With a nose like that, I don't think you did a little of anything like that.

[Brian Redban]

I think you did it all.

[David Gamble]

Yeah.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

So. Yeah, like just knows things and then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Joseph, I'm gonna let you off easy. Good job, buddy. You did it. You are the first bucket pool tonight. There he goes. Joseph Kirkimi, brand new to Austin, Texas. Two weeks as a Texan. Have fun, Joseph. There he goes. Another bucket pull. Ready to go. Here we go. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Maddie G. Oh, make some noise for Heidi, everybody. Wow. Thank you, Heidi. All right, here's Maddie. Make some noise for Maddie G, everyone. Here we go.

[Maddie G]

What's up, guys? We got any immigrants in here? I thought I smelt ya. Yeah, I used to sell guns to get through college. I didn't know that they were buying guns to take to college. Yeah, when you're selling guns, you get really good at it. And you can tell what gun you're gonna buy just by what race you are. 12 gauge shotgun. Black people, they like. They don't like any specific gun. They're more about the accessories. Like, they'll always come up to the gun counter and be like, my man, let me get that one right there with the beam on it. And I would just be like, yes,

[Joseph Kirkimme]

sir, right away, man, I got you.

[Maddie G]

And then Asian people, they didn't. They wanted one specific gun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Groka 19.

[Maddie G]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at the slow wave off after rugged racism. Incredible. Matty G opening up with an immigrants joke. What ethnicity are you?

[Maddie G]

I'm American, but Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're Mexican? Yeah. Don't you think it's kind of weird, a Mexican guy coming out going, yeah, I thought I smelled you. Because that's like your people, the immigrants, are you. Yeah. Okay.

[Maddie G]

I could say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can say it too. Look at that. It's wild. Daniel can say it too. And he looks like Hitler's right hand man.

[Brian Redban]

I look like. You know where I was on January 6th?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cheesecake Factory, the speaker's podium.

[Brian Redban]

Make way, make way. That's me. A lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I barely recognize you without your bull horns on.

[Brian Redban]

Let him speak. Let him speak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maddie, you were just on the show recently, right? Yes, sir. I remember because I found out that you sold guns during that interview portion. And so here we are again. Here you are. And you talked about immigrants selling guns, black people, and then Asian people. Yeah, yeah. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Maddie G]

I've only been doing it. This is like my 12th mic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your 12th mic? So you've been doing it other places? Two of those 12 spots are here?

[Jacob Canter]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, okay. Why are you. Why is your work ethic so terrible? What kind of Mexican are you?

[Brian Redban]

See, he can say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he can say I said it. I'm gonna be in big trouble.

[Maddie G]

I'm trying to support my family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a by doing mics?

[Brian Redban]

Cause you are horrible at supporting your family. Not on content, just on getting up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How big of a family do you have?

[Maddie G]

Just me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. A lot to support. There a lot to support. Maddie, what did we find out? What did we not find out about you after your last interview that you think would be interesting? You have had, what, a few weeks to think about it? Yeah, okay.

[Maddie G]

I sleep in a hammock right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. That's fucking nuts. Yeah, I actually once accidentally did that before. I had a low budget and I bought a hammock. When I first moved to California, I was stoned out of my mind, and I'm like, I have a thousand dollars to spend on a bed. We went to a fucking like a. Was that like a Costco? There was a hammock for like 80 bucks. I'm like, that'll fucking work. I'm California living out here. I was on the floor that night. It turns out you can only last about an hour and a half max in a fucking hammock before you have the back of a 100-year-old man. So how. How many nights have you slept in a hammock, you creep? A Zoid.

[Maddie G]

Probably like a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A year and a half in the hammock.

[Maddie G]

It's nice, you know, I got the sleeping bag. It's not as cold at night anymore.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you have a sleeping bag that you get into inside of the Hammock? Yeah. Wow. There is just layers of stupidity happening here. These are the people that get a good night's sleep before selling guns to whoever asks for one.

[Brian Redban]

So if you wake up in a hammock inside a sleeping bag and realize there's a fire where you live, you're just letting it go, Right?

[Maddie G]

It's gonna get me eventually, I think.

[Brian Redban]

I mean. No, it's going to get you right away.

[Maddie G]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

You're not getting out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're stuck in a net.

[Micah Brown]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Well, can I ask. Sorry. If we covered this.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

No, go ahead.

[Brian Redban]

Indoors, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, great.

[Maddie G]

Upstairs?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Wait, what?

[Maddie G]

Upstairs?

[Jacob Canter]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, not.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No.

[Brian Redban]

What are you, the most generally speaking person in the world?

[Maddie G]

Well, indoors, upstairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's an upstairs.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. Upstairs. Not the brag you think it is.

[Maddie G]

All right, this is gonna be.

[Brian Redban]

No, I know. I just want clarity. Upstairs,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

penthouse.

[Brian Redban]

Wow. Okay, so you're upstairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's an above, above ground hammock.

[Maddie G]

Yeah, I'm upstairs.

[Brian Redban]

Hammock is mounted to the wall.

[Maddie G]

No, I got a hammock stand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, that's.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, that actually is a pretty cool brag.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Again, I've been there. It's not. I was 18 years old, I bought a fucking hammock with a hammock stand. I thought I was a genius. And again, it's unusable. How much pain are you in all the time? A lot. Yeah? Yeah. This is incredible to meet someone else that's fucking made this mistake, but you just stuck with it.

[Maddie G]

Yeah. So, like, I'm trying to buy a house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I was like, oh, well, first comes the hammock, then comes the full grown house. Two level house you're looking to buy.

[Maddie G]

Perhaps three if I'm lucky.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Three stories.

[Brian Redban]

Why wouldn't you start with a bed first, though?

[David Gamble]

Like.

[Maddie G]

Like, because I didn't want to move it in and then have to move it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Maddie G]

It's really easy to like.

[Brian Redban]

So you're gonna pack it up and go? Not movers, money. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you might be putting the cart in front of the horse here, my friend. You might want to get a good night's sleep before making such big decisions.

[Maddie G]

I've never needed movers. Like, I have a lot of cousins, so they just come over and then.

[Brian Redban]

Is the mattress a problem?

[Maddie G]

You know, I never thought of that actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. We got Daniel Van Kirk here fixing people's sets and their lives one step at a time. Let me ask you this, Maddie G. You ever get a. Get a lady back to that hammock? You Ever? Trapper. Trapper in the net.

[Brian Redban]

Now, look, if I get in first, you're gonna have to come in straddling. You can't get on then straddle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before we go into my bedroom, I gotta ask you, you want to be on top or bottom?

[Brian Redban]

I've had a great time with you tonight. You say you and I go upstairs. You wild card.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever do it? You ever go fucking slamic on the hammock? Slingshot it.

[Brian Redban]

Beautiful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever take a Betty to the Nettie?

[Maddie G]

Yeah. So you gotta, like, do it like there's a special way you gotta do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do it froggy style. Show us the way. Show us how you would fuck Daniel Van Kirk on your hammock. Okay, there he is. There he is. He's ready for you. Where do you begin? Oh, foot fetish. Foot fetish. Look out. Well, wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Let's take this one step at a time. Maddie G, you're entering the hammock from an impossible region.

[Maddie G]

No, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just. You just tried to video game us into believing.

[Brian Redban]

What do you do? No, no, I got. I'm all roped up with the stand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the stand is there. Oh, he's pointing to his brain. Everybody, look out. Shit's about to get really interesting. He's like, wait till you find out what daddy's cooking.

[Maddie G]

You're thinking about it wrong. You think that you're laying the, like, length of the hammock. You lay sideways. Sex swing.

[Brian Redban]

So you use it like a big old fashioned sex swing.

[Maddie G]

Yep.

[Brian Redban]

Well, then get over here. Are we allowed to have full release on this show? I don't know what happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make them come, Maddie. Make them come. Wait a second. Wait, wait. So is. Where is the hammock during this?

[Maddie G]

Oh, it's. It's sideways. It's like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, you have him sideways on the hammock.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, he's pretending he's the weirdest guy at the playground.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like a sex swing almost.

[Maddie G]

Yeah, Sex swing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like a sex swing so you have to stand. You can never be laying down while having sex in your hammock.

[Maddie G]

Yeah, that's the downside of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's the downside.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, you know what, though?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

What?

[Brian Redban]

You got a sleeping bag? He's warmer.

[Micah Brown]

That's all.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. So have women spent the night on your hammock?

[Maddie G]

No, they usually leave, like, pretty immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like. Well, no doubt about it. I gotta go. There's a 0% chance of staying the night on a hammock? It's kind of a good idea.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, no shit. If this guy's got a fucking hammock, you think he's cleaned a bathroom mirror in his life?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's such a good point. Is there a lot of stuff on your bathroom counter?

[Maddie G]

I actually don't have a bathroom mirror.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more.

[Maddie G]

Well, we just renovated it and so I was like, ah, I don't need a mirror. So I just used my phone to shave and stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fucking incredible. So is there a shower?

[Maddie G]

Yeah, there's a shower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sink?

[Casey Rocket]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a toilet.

[Maddie G]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is all on level two?

[Maddie G]

Yep, level two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. What a life of luxury you're living. Mirrors are expensive.

[Maddie G]

I think that's why I'm getting the house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, of course, of course, of course.

[Brian Redban]

I want the mirror. You can get a damn old mirror. What's the point of getting a mirror for? You got to move it. What's the point of getting a mirror for? You gotta move that. Some be running all around town. The goddamn mirror. That dude. Replace new mirror.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maddie. An incredible. An incredibly educational performance. And another very, very interesting. It's always amazing to see how people are living out here. There he goes, everybody. Maddie. G. Wait. Maddie. Maddie, come back out here. You got a little joke book last time, didn't you? Yeah. Give me that back. You don't get two of these things. You don't get two. You don't get two. This will be using it as a pillow.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. Your next comedian. This looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Isaac. Isaac Kane Brown, everybody. Isaac Kane Brown.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

So I grew up with a little brother with Asperger's. I don't know if anybody has a family member the Asperger's here, but growing up with a little brother with Asperger's is a lot like owning a pit bull. Like, they're good with this family, but I gotta explain a lot of shit before you come over. Like, don't look him in the eyes. No sudden movements. And if he makes you uncomfortable at any point, I'll chain his ass up outside. It's fine, really. The only bad part is when I take him on walks and he barks at black people. That's a hard one to explain. And, you know, I try to tell him, dude, let bygones be bygones, but he still hates it when those fuckers kiss in public. You know what I'm talking about? I've been trying this online dating thing Out. So I've been working on pickup lines and I've been telling women I have a black dick. Not because it's a full dick, because it's like three fifths of a dick. You know what I'm talking about? That's all I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Isaac Kane Brown, welcome to the show. Isaac. How are you?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

I'm doing good, how about you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm great, thanks for asking. How long have you been doing stand up comedy, Isaac?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Barely two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Barely two years. I love it. Do you also not have a mirror? It is incredible. You look like iron deficiency John Mayer. It is amazing. An incredible look.

[Brian Redban]

You look like an opposite version of the show Entourage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a guy that spends all his time by himself. Maybe a second floor hammock at best. So where do you live, Isaac? Here. How long have you lived here?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you move from?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Illinois.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for work?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you. How do you survive?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Technically? I have a sugar mama.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? How long have you been with her?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Three months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what does she do?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

I think she's in like tech or something. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You never asked her? The woman that supports you and that you. Fuck, yeah. You never asked her what she does for work?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Well, she's married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, this is all very interesting. This interview just took a turn for the good. She's definitely married. Does she have a family?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

No. Well, no kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, perfect. And where did you meet this young, young buck? Ooh, bumble, bumble.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And. And, and you went on a date? Or did you go straight to your place? How did it start?

[Brian Redban]

Oh, I think somebody hit pause. Yeah, it just.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Well, she just. She just invited me over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over to her place?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where? The husband was at work.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

He wasn't there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, where's the husband? I don't know. You check behind the curtains? I bet he was watching.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

I don't ask questions. I don't ask questions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were there like pictures of her and him in the place or anything like that?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Oh, yeah, it was pretty bad. Like the whole hallway was lined with

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

them, with pictures of them together.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Their family all together. The wedding photos, everything. The vacation to Jamaica.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And she took you straight to her bedroom?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where he sleeps at night?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you made love to her? Yes. And what is the first thing that you did exactly when you did that?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Well, like after I come or before I come?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Before you come. As soon as you walk into the bedroom, what do you do? You take off your shoes or were your shoes off at the door? Because she's running.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Well, first I looked at the pictures and went, that's weird. And I was like, that's probably just like a fun collage or something, right? And then I fucked and I came and I was like, well, this is probably pretty bad and I shouldn't be doing this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then she's like, you want some money?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Well, I just. She just kind of sends the money over. Cash?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

What's your rate? What are you getting?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great question.

[Brian Redban]

I appreciate that. That was funny. I'm genuinely curious.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Wait, do you mean like, overall how much money I've gotten or how much money I get each time?

[Brian Redban]

Each time, Yeah. I mean, this, you know, I don't know. We're not doing Real World's Road Rules Challenge where we've added up. This isn't Squid game where you got a bank going. I want to know what you're getting. Like a week or a month.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Two to three hundred a week. Just when I ask.

[Brian Redban]

You should ask more.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yeah, I do.

[Brian Redban]

Two to 300 bucks. You're like, hey, hook me up. Can I. How does this. God, I'm so confused. Also, back to your stand up really quick. I think it was racist, but it really confused me at the same time. So I don't know. Okay, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, let's stick away from the stand up. Let's stick with this situation because I

[Brian Redban]

didn't know if I was dumb or not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has she ever offered to iron your T shirts for you? No.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Not at all.

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Brian Redban]

You don't say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we can tell.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

So go fuck yourself, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, who are you talking to?

[Martin Phillips]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're telling me to go fuck myself because you have a wrinkly shirt?

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, Isaac, you're gonna be a wild success in this business. With thick skin like yours. Go yourself. You yourself. How dare you say my wrinkled shirt is wrinkled. Oh, dude, you're killing it, Isaac. I love it. Let's find out more about you before you this up even more. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You good at anything? No.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Not at all.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not at all. No. What do you do for fun? Okay, tell us how you're a piece of shit.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Well, I'm fucking married. Women. That's probably like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Other than that. We already know that about you. Anything else?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Unemployed veteran. That's kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're a veteran?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what branch were you in?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Marine Corps.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And did you serve overseas?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, tell us about that. Anything interesting happen over there?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

What do you mean interesting? You're asking if I Killed people or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That would be interesting. Oh, man.

[Brian Redban]

Can I go back to interrogating?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure, yeah, Go right ahead. Daniel Van Kirk.

[Brian Redban]

How long did you serve?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Four years.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. Where were you deployed?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Iraq would be the most notable.

[Brian Redban]

Now, when Tony asked you what you did over there, your first thought was killing people.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Does that mean it's the same question everybody asks every single time.

[Brian Redban]

They ask you that a lot?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yes, A shit done.

[Brian Redban]

Why do you think people ask you that?

[Jacob Canter]

I don't know.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Movies and.

[Brian Redban]

Movies and. You like movies?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a lot of anger. You have a lot of anger.

[Brian Redban]

I'm really close. I'm really close.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Redban]

Do you think you'll keep seeing this woman that gives you two to $300? Occasionally?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Yeah, for a little bit.

[Brian Redban]

Do you like her?

[Isaac Kane Brown]

No.

[Brian Redban]

I think what we all want to know is. You planning on killing her? Nothing further, Sergeant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Case dismissed. I love it. Isaac Kane Brown. Congratulations. And you got pulled out of the bucket. Here's a little joke book. Isaac Kane Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Isaac saw the. I saw the. He killed people. Yeah, I saw it in his eyes. On the wrinkled shirt line.

[Brian Redban]

Did you know I used to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If anybody noticed, you're a piece of.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, hey. Don't make fun of a man's uniform, okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get one of our esteemed regulars up here. One of the greatest to ever do it on this show. This is a brand new minute from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cam Patterson]

Shut up, bitch. Been talking all night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the fuck up, bitch.

[Cam Patterson]

Now I'm playing. I love you, white lady. Oh, I'm not. I'm not having a good time. I'm pretty mad about life right now. I've been talking to this girl for a couple months and she been pretty cool. But a couple days ago, Drake followed her on Instagram. Yeah, you feel me, nigga? And I don't know what to do now, dawg. Cause it's like I lost. I've already lost the game. Like, bitch, that's Drake. You feel me? Like, even if it do come down to it, and she pick me over Drake, that bitch don't make good decisions. My own mama would pick Drake over me. That's crazy. My homeboy tried to tell me, like, you gotta understand something, bro. Like, you getting better in life. You getting bigger, more people know who you is. Now it's kinda like Drake is like the Avengers, but you like the Guardians of the Galaxy. Let me explain something to y'. All. The Avengers have, like, real superheroes on their team. Like the Hulk, Like Thor, Like Spider Man. Them real superheroes, dawg. The Guardians of the Galaxy has a raccoon, a fucking tree and a raccoon. Regular guy with gumption. That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That guy so much. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Did it again. Cam Patterson. Very funny. Very funny. Unbelievable. Sleeps not on a hammock.

[Cam Patterson]

No. Hell no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has a mirror. Hell yeah. Everything is lined up.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, wait a minute. Oh, this just in. Marquisha Davis just went number 11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Marquisha Davis, congratulations. I do believe she's in the audience. She's right over there.

[Cam Patterson]

A real. That's a real name. She really didn't went number 11. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Marquesious. What a guy. Well. Well, wait, we're getting word. Drake just followed her on Instagram. Oh my goodness.

[Brian Redban]

And she got drafted twice. She got drafted twice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know who's gonna love this set? Drake. He watches every week. You know, we followed on Instagram, Kill Tony and he messaged the account. He and all that he said was Casey Rocket equals. And then he did a goat emoji.

[Cam Patterson]

Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little fun fact. Drake watches every week with his entourage.

[Cam Patterson]

Stop following my bitches.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious. Just when you thought Drake couldn't have beef with more young, talented black artists.

[Brian Redban]

Cam Patterson, leave my hoes alone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would think he has enough, but he just can't get enough. He's going for your hoes.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, why my hoes?

[Casey Rocket]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's going for yo bitches.

[Brian Redban]

That's a compliment.

[Maddie G]

Huh?

[Brian Redban]

That's a compliment. You know that? Yes, it is. James just texted me and said Drake's following her also.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh. Oh, look at that. Wow. Red bands drunk. Breaking news. Red bands drunk. If Drake followed Janice. This just in. Drake is drunk as well. I love it. So Cam, what else is going on in this beautiful world?

[Cam Patterson]

Not imagine running around doing shows, trying to get better. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Same Daniel Van Kirk. Is this your first time seeing the young buck Sam?

[Brian Redban]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam. Sam Patterson. Everybody. Everybody loves Sam Caterson. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

That was phenomenal. Appreciate it, man. The energy coming out. I always say to people, you're already past this. But I always. People are starting out and you do this super well played to the room that you're in rather than the show you thought you were going to have. And from the second you came out, you played to this room.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Oh yeah.

[Brian Redban]

And that, that dictated the energy of your set and where you want. I mean, you still hit all your marks.

[Cam Patterson]

I love these white people, man. Need my white people, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They are. Yeah. Yeah, there are. What about the blonde black lesbian there in the middle of the room?

[Cam Patterson]

That. My dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He a good. He a good dude.

[Brian Redban]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Cam Patterson]

You a dude, though, right? You a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a dude. That's a dude. Why he.

[Brian Redban]

Why he look surprised?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We just got word he got drafted to the actual NBA draft. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

I up is beautiful. This dude has, like, some prince energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It really is. It really is. Did you sign up, by any chance? I mean, that you have a minute. Did you sign up for the show? Do you have a minute prepared? Do you.

[Brian Redban]

We got it.

[Cam Patterson]

Let him.

[Brian Redban]

Let him do a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Should we bring him up here? Come on up, buddy. Get his ass up here. Come on, let's go.

[Brian Redban]

Let's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you were told not to, by the. By the.

[Brian Redban]

Look at this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, get up here.

[Brian Redban]

Never meant to cause you any trouble Never meant to cause you any pain Only wanna see you in that purple rain oh, purple rain, Purple rain Come on, mother. Come on. Purple rain, Purple rain

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, all right, all right. Inform me that we might get YouTube copyright striked because it sounds like purple rain. Hello, my friend. Welcome to the show. How about a hand for this guy? Fearless? What's your name?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I'm John. Most of my friends call me Jono.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your style. What do you do? What club do you promote for, John? Can you tell us where the hot bitches will be tonight?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

They're right over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Right over there.

[Micah Brown]

They're right there.

[Brian Redban]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Two fives make a 10. We love it. Definitely. Absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

How many music videos have you shot on an escalator? How many. God, you're so intimidating.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Let's make this. Let's make this more interesting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I'm not American, so I don't do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Trinidad and Tobago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Trinidad and Tobago. That's come up two weeks in a row. A red and white flag, am I correct? Yes, sir, Absolutely. Represent Trinidad and Tobago, Little tnt.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Tnt, as you like to call them. Island boy, right?

[Brian Redban]

No, not all of us like that at all. Thank you. Thank you. Some of us meet humans in this world and go, can I hit delete on this?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let me ask you, John, what do you. What brought you to Austin, Texas?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

You want the real answer?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want both answers. I want the real answer and the answer. You were going to lie.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

All right, first of all. First of all, I didn't even know Austin was a real place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, that's good. 85% of the people in the room have never heard of Trinidad and Tobago. So we are even Stevens there, my friend.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

95% of the room didn't know black guys could have blonde hair. So this is incredible what's happening here. We're all learning about each other all at the same time. The show is live. Everything is improvised. We had no idea we were going to call you up tonight. That is the treat of being a blonde black man in Austin, Texas. We're like, what's that? Get up here.

[Brian Redban]

What the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, buddy. We want to learn more about you.

[Brian Redban]

He just looks like his life is filled with women saying, you promise you're going to call. Mine is filled with women going, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love your style.

[Micah Brown]

I appreciate it.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how did. I didn't get an answer. How did you.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yeah, I moved here for my ex.

[Brian Redban]

Ex. Okay. Okay.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

No, no.

[David Gamble]

It's no.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

Ooh.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

It's no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

It's all good. Everything is good. Like, I love Austin. It's a beautiful city. I broke up with her. I just want to make that clear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we know.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah. You saw one night broke up with her. You saw one night of pastel rompers and you were like, done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bye. Goodbye. But you're still here in Austin.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I'm still here in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And, and, and. And what have you been doing for fun? Tell us about it. For fun or for work? Either one. I'm just guessing. You have more fun than do work. Just guessing.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Well, I like to say that my motto is work hard, play hard. So I'd like to say I work equally as hard as I play.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I'm scared, I'm afraid to say, because one guy said it already and he got software. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really do software?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I'm so serious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I never would have guessed that. I never would have guessed that. By the. I never. And here we go.

[Brian Redban]

Bring it on.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Bring it on. Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's too late now. I was gonna say, I never would have guessed that. By the color of your hair. Would have gotten a much bigger laugh.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

20 seconds, honestly, to be with you. I'd like to let you know that the hair lady fucked up. Like, this is not what I wanted. You see, they got like five different colors going on inside of the shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

It's not what I asked for, but, hey, I still rock it. Cause I am me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Yeah, Absolutely. It's what's on the inside that counts and the size of your massive cock. So you work in software. Are you based out of Austin now?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yes, I'm based out of Austin now, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And tell us. Tell us the truth. How many beautiful white girls have you corrupted since you've been here? Today? Just today? My guess is two today. Is it higher or lower than two today? Yeah. DraftKings has the over under at two white bitches. It says that is the over under for white bitches for John, which is definitely a shortened version of a longer name today.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Jonathan, if you will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure,

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I guess. If I'm being real, probably three today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three today. Look at that. Who would have taken the over? Come on. That is incredible. Red Band's trying to shoehorn the Harlem Globetrotters theme song into this. That's what we think you are. We think you're the Globetrotter of white. Just a guy that makes it look easy. Spins it around on your fingertip like that.

[Brian Redban]

We got there, you got there.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

See? That's gonna be my Insta handle now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Repeat it again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

White pussy Globetrotter.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

White pussy Globetrotter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We just got word. Drake just followed you on Instagram.

[Brian Redban]

So good. I'm just still picturing you and your software engineer co workers out to lunch and how confusing that must be for every Chipotle employee. These three dudes hanging out with this fucking Playgirl model.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Honestly, dude, you're so right. Like, honestly, I mute myself at work.

[Brian Redban]

You do.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I mute myself at work.

[Brian Redban]

How do you tone it down?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Well, I go up to them, I'm like, hi, Jerry.

[Brian Redban]

Pleasure to meet you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And Jerry's like, can I suck your fucking cocktail?

[Brian Redban]

This is Jerry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is Jerry.

[Brian Redban]

How's it going, John? How's it going? I have a wife, but I'll do things. Oh, God. Come here, John. Let's hang more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Punch lower. And we're in business. John, you want to come back to my second floor hammock?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I just like to say, bro, if you're living in a hammock for over a year and a half, you need to do better. Just saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no idea what you just said, but it was one of the best prayers I've ever heard in my life. Wow.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Sorry, I'm not. I'm not familiar with being on stage. I don't even know how to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. So far, best interview of the night. So. It's incredible what we got to do. Putting a ribbon on this thing, though. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Cuz I have a. I have a feeling that you can create a lot of very slippery situations. I get the feeling that you've made gushers out of. Out of some real stiff software broads before.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

No comment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No comment. No comment.

[Brian Redban]

John, that's not how it works here. No, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I don't want. I don't want you coming after me right now.

[Brian Redban]

You're right.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

You're so right.

[Brian Redban]

Got him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sir, give us one little trick that you like to do in the bedroom. Is there a position or a something or an angle or a move that you've. That you've kind of.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

All right, this is gonna sound a little weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's great. I doubt that's always. Anytime anybody says that, that's when we're about to get what I call the here we go.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Honestly, it's not even the being real. I just appreciate the female body. I really do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I really do.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

The curves, the accentures, all that stuff is good.

[Brian Redban]

So I.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Do you really want me to go into detail?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Oh, this is gonna be so good.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

It's not even that good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been doing this show for 11 years. I know when a epic answer is about to happen. He just said, are you sure you want me to do it? Like, yes.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

It really, really isn't. It really isn't anything crazy. It's just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Teach us the Trinidad and the Tobago. So you got a beautiful, voluptuous white bitch on your bed. You're pushing.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I mean. I mean, like. It's not even anything crazy, bro. I mean, I just like to put you in a position, multiple positions. Probably lift you up, put you up against the wall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

We might go to the kitchen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My what?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

We might go to the kitchen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, they're gonna make you a sandwich.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Have her make me a sandwich. Her, not me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ry. Bread.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Ry.

[Brian Redban]

No, I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With.

[Brian Redban]

Ry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no pumpernickel.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

With rye bread.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

You know, then we might drink a little wine. We're already at this point. Might drink a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael's excited. He plays the drums really hard when he gets excited over there.

[Brian Redban]

This is the weirdest d' Angelo song I've ever heard. Say this right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you go ahead. Keep on, like. And then what do you do then?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

What I do? I mean, it's different for each person, but I'm just saying, like, in general,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, you know, all the things you just named. I would have Come eight times already. By the time I'm in the kitchen, I'd be dead. You'd have to drag me to the kitchen after that.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Also, I just like to say if a kitchen sex, you got to be tall enough to like fit the countertop.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Height.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. No showies in the kitchen. No show these. Wow, that is incredible. What is the longest you think you've ever. Red band's showing me how long this interview is going. Red band's afraid of what the comments might say. Why would they spend time with a random audience member? Okay, what's the longest you think you've lasted with a woman? Your longest session ever? That horny bitch wants to know the longest you've ever lasted. Rested or perhaps recharged and immediately gone again. Okay, good.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

That's what I was about. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, because you have that specify that you have that Tesla battery. You're like ready to go immediately. The supercharger.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

As long as I've gone back to

[David Gamble]

back, back to back for those of you hours.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

But, but hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, let's be real here. No one's for two hours straight and like not coming.

[Brian Redban]

Right?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Like, what I mean by this is like, you know, there's foreplay, there's all the shit you do. Sandwiches, you know what I mean? Sandwich in the kitchen. Exactly, exactly. You know, sometimes you might take a little intermission, whatever it is you need, but like you're still in the mix.

[Brian Redban]

Watch House Hunters. House Hunters International.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Specifically Interracial Bargain Hunt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the fastest you think you've ever recharged? So that means, means come to reinsertion. What's your fastest turnover rate there?

[Brian Redban]

And we will be fact checking this with your friends.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Yes, that's cool, that's cool. Probably about honestly, like 15 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? That's human.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

That's what I'm saying, dog. I'm no one special.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I mean, well, you know, we can't judge a book by its cover. You seem like the kind of guy that could just absolutely go nuts nonstop. Well, congratulations on being the most interesting interview of the night. Trinidad and Tobago Zone John, ladies and gentlemen. John. Hell yeah, man. Amazing. All right, now back to comedians attempting to do a minute uninterrupted. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody?

[Brian Redban]

Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. John's about to the out of her. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll. Jacob Cancer, everybody. Here we go. Here's Jacob Cancer.

[Jacob Canter]

I'm trying to get sober. I definitely have a drinking the Wake up call was two weeks ago. I got blackout and I emailed a picture of my asshole of my second grade teacher. It was even weirder when he replied, wow, it hasn't changed a bit. Actually. I just sent it on a burner Facebook and on his Facebook account and he replied, jacob. So, yeah, this asshole's one of a kind. I've been arrested three times for possession of marijuana, which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana, at least in the time it takes for a cop to get to your window. But when I got pulled over, of course I was coughing up marijuana all over the inside of my Prius. And the cop looks down at me and he goes, are you aware it's 2 o' clock in the afternoon? And I looked up at him, I said, are you aware of the losses inflicted upon the Russians in the defense of Stalingrad? So I went to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Jacob Canter]

Luckily, I'd never gotten to cocaine. I will say this, I've tried cocaine once on numerous occasions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. Jacob Kanter, one of the strongest sets. Not from a regular tonight. Very funny, Jacob.

[Jacob Canter]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[Jacob Canter]

Longview, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your first time on the show?

[Jacob Canter]

Second time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And have both gone as well as this one?

[Jacob Canter]

Yeah, the first time went really well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, good stuff. You got a big joke book last time.

[Jacob Canter]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Well, here you are again. A fantastic set. You switch. Squeezed a lot of material into that minute. Got a lot of laughs. Remind us, what do you do for work? What's going on?

[Jacob Canter]

I work at Whole Foods.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right. Yeah. Maga Asians. What?

[Jacob Canter]

Maga Asians bit. That's what I did last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

MAGA Asians bit.

[Jacob Canter]

Yeah, I picked up an Asian in my Uber. She liked Trump a lot, so I made a joke about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, okay. You work in the dairy section, is that correct?

[Jacob Canter]

No, I'm a supervisor up front.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're going to check in with the great Daniel Van Kirk.

[Brian Redban]

Great set, dude.

[Jacob Canter]

Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

That was awesome. I feel like you can get to that quicker, but you're really good at your turns. Like. Like a stop and then going into the joke. But that's okay because blank. Or like I've never met them before because I've blank. So that's. That's good. And I think it's good finding your style and like that one thing I will say. How long you been doing comedy?

[Jacob Canter]

Six years.

[Brian Redban]

Six years. Okay. It's just. Do you. No, no, it wasn't bad. I want to ask this to Tony because I feel like you and Rubb Band have probably seen more people starting or in their journey of comedy than any other friends of mine at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

When you feel like somebody's sort of doing a style of a popular comedian and obviously there's certain ways of telling jokes and everything. How do you address that? Like, how do you broach it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or. I mean, we just say it.

[Brian Redban]

Okay. It just felt a little Nate Bargetzi to me. Just a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you a fan of Nate Bargetzi?

[Brian Redban]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever seen him do stand up?

[Brian Redban]

That's what I'm saying.

[Jacob Canter]

I've seen him do stand up and now I'm not a really. I've never, like got into him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool.

[Jacob Canter]

He's never made me laugh like that. No disrespect to that dude.

[Brian Redban]

No, not at all. And your content is so wildly different than his. But I didn't know if it was just sort of like a little bit. This happens a lot on the road. If you watch a lot of comedy or if you've probably had it where you guys have somebody open for you and for a certain point you're like, I love you, but you're starting to kind of do me on stage. It just happens.

[Jacob Canter]

I avoided watching pretty much any specials for my first few years just because the natural way of just copying people. So I just wanted to find my voice on stage.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Jacob Canter]

And then I've only recently in like the past years actually started watching stand up all the time.

[Brian Redban]

Awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It happens. It happens. I noticed the guy with the iron unironed shirt, the former soldier that almost killed me. I could tell without a doubt, he's a huge Shane Gillis fan from his hand movements. Did you notice that the double handed. And he was doing this a lot.

[Brian Redban]

That is so true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what's happening. No, it's not an autistic thing, John. Good question. John asks one question every eight episodes and that was it. Nope, not autistic.

[Brian Redban]

Did you really try to eat all the weed?

[Jacob Canter]

Yes, that was real, actually, in that. In that. That particular time, I forgot to put my Prius in park and it went into a ditch as I stepped out of the car.

[Brian Redban]

This is the shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I literally. I have that in my nightmares. That happens. And like, I can't find the break.

[Jacob Canter]

The guy who arrested me, I went to high school with him, so it was even weirder.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, this is the shit. This is why you guys are fucking angels. Yeah, my man.

[Jacob Canter]

And he apologized to me too. Later, after I got on Kill.

[Brian Redban]

Don't interrupt me. Again, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm not. No. So this is the thing I do. I'm a bit of a storyteller. I love telling a good story, but I also love finding observational comedy and going in and out of that. You are doing sort of not so much observational, but not full stories either. It's sort of like there was this and then this, like, I hope you really sent your asshole to your teacher. But that right there is a moment of like, I got arrested for having three and a half grams of weed or whatever it was. And then you mine that fuck. Now, I know you only had a minute here, but, like, mine that shit of like, oh, it's worse than you guys think it was. I couldn't play my da da da da, go through all that shit and. Because then the audience gets to go on that ride with you. And as the. The asshole thing feels like such a. It's very funny, but it feels such a. Like really, like I laughed at it, right? Cause it was a good joke, but I didn't think it really happened. And then I don't believe that you really got arrested for weed either. And the more you dig that out, you've got that everything. You just said three sentences in a row. You didn't even have a joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just funny. So true. An unbelievable note. Were you in the guy close in high school?

[Jacob Canter]

Not really. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he bully you?

[Maddie G]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you bully him?

[Jacob Canter]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have any interactions that you remember?

[Jacob Canter]

Not really. He was just like a normal dude.

[Brian Redban]

Did he remember. Did he remember you?

[Jacob Canter]

Oh, yeah, he remembered me. He was trying to. Because the chick that sold me the weed, we went to high school with her and she was. He was trying to rap. He was trying to get me to, like, right out, he's like, you won't go to jail if you say who it was. And I just like, she has blue hair and lives like down the road.

[Brian Redban]

Which is not true. No.

[Jacob Canter]

Well, she does have blue hair. I was really scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

I told you I can break these incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got a rat amongst us.

[Brian Redban]

That's so then. Now look at that. That is a fucking curb your enthusiasm episode. Have you ever had the officer who's trying to arrest you connect you to another person you went to high school with who happened to sell you the drugs that you are currently being arrested for? That's insane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right.

[Brian Redban]

So let how fucked up your life is be funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It's true. Jacob, how's whole Foods going good.

[Jacob Canter]

It's all right. I mean, it's not the job I want to have forever. And I'm trying to get a job with a better schedule so I can hit more mics in Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What else is going on? What else do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up?

[Jacob Canter]

I don't know. I like history. I like to work out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of workout do you do? The sit down? Yeah. You look buff.

[Brian Redban]

Look at his chest. He is low key. Yoked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Are you? Yeah. Really?

[Brian Redban]

Do you have a six pack?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many? You think you should pull a Bert Kreischer right now, huh? No, I'm not that yoked. Daniel says you're a yoke. The crowd goes wild. You don't want to do it?

[Brian Redban]

What are you benching?

[Jacob Canter]

What?

[Brian Redban]

What do you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Brian Redban]

What do you got to think about

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

if you're going to lie?

[Jacob Canter]

Well, you got to probably like, I don't know, like 220.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that.

[Jacob Canter]

But I mean, I don't know, like, I don't even have to work out that much because I was in the military, so I'm just, like, already fit.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our military has never been weaker. This is incredible. Bunch of s people. Like, I'm fighting for our country. This is unbelievable. We do need to start letting trans in the military. This is absolutely incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, anybody wants to defend our country, go do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's my rule.

[Brian Redban]

I support you and I love you for your service.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. What branch?

[Jacob Canter]

Army. Army National Guard. Rank.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that.

[Jacob Canter]

Eight years rank.

[Casey Rocket]

Right.

[Brian Redban]

Did you have a rank when you're not.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, rank.

[Jacob Canter]

I was a corporal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a. He's a stalker. Stock boy.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, so you're working out. You're going to Mike's. You like history. Where in Whole Foods do you work?

[Jacob Canter]

I work up front as a supervisor.

[Brian Redban]

So up front, you. How many stories do you have about people stealing from the hot food section?

[Jacob Canter]

Oh, all the time. Yeah. They come in there looking like the boy in the striped pajamas. All, like, meager. We have to kick them off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of.

[Brian Redban]

Let's work on our references. We don't want to lose the crowd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of pajamas? Stripes.

[Jacob Canter]

Striped pajamas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is very.

[Brian Redban]

Remember the movie? Oh, yeah. It's like, hey, I'm gonna die in a concentration camp. That's who. That's his first pull, Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old striped pajamas. What else? How else would you describe these people?

[Jacob Canter]

I also got in trouble at work because sometimes whenever people do self checkout, you have to enter in the date. Whenever you look at their ID. And I used to just not check IDs, I was like, you want JFK 911 or JFK assassination? So I got in trouble.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay. Someone ratted you out for a change?

[Jacob Canter]

Yeah, yeah, some dumb bitch in Uptown.

[Martin Phillips]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, look at that. John's fucking her right now. So revenge is yours. You got a big joke book last time?

[Jacob Canter]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, there he goes. Jacob Cant or anything. What? You don't live in Austin, do you?

[Jacob Canter]

No, but I can come down here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Oh, look at that. Dreams are coming true. Live on Kill. Tony Jacob, Cancer. C A N T E R. All right, you guys having fun out there? We have another bucket pole and they go by the name of of Lee Hudson, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Lee Hudson. Here's Lee.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I'm an out of shape man. I have a bad diet. My diet's bad to the point where if I decided to buy vegetables on my debit card, my bank would flag it as suspicious activity. I'm a depressed man as well. It's weird when your friends know you have depression because it really takes the impact out the phrase, I'd rather kill myself. Because my friends are like, do you want to come to the cinema? And I'm like, I'd rather kill myself. And they're like, we know, but do you want to come to the cinema? I watched my dad get married last year for the fifth time. Yeah, it's a lot of times that means I've had a lot of stepmoms to the point where I'm actually quite traumatized by that category of porn now. I will still watch it though, but

[Cam Patterson]

it's different for me.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I'm watching a video of some guy pounding his stepmom and I'm watching it going, don't get too attached.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, what a performance. Lee Hudson, Absolutely incredible. Welcome to the show, Lee. Hey, man, how are you?

[Brian Redban]

I'm good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Just over seven years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven years. Am I crazy? Were you on an episode in England?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

2019 in London.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I can't believe I remembered that.

[Brian Redban]

I can believe it. You give a shit and you like doing this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Credit to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2019 in London, England, at a big giant, sold out theater.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, Bluesbury Theater.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was cool and you did great there. Yeah, I remember you very clearly. And this is a brand new minute. Very, very fun stuff happening. How long are you in Texas for?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I leave On Tuesday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did you get here?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why is such a quick trip to the new comedy capital of the world? Being it's the only amount of time

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I can get off work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

I'm a data analyst.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A data analyst?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What kind of data are you analyzing?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Finance, interest rates and shit like that.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might be one of the funniest data analysts I've ever heard of. This is absolutely incredible. Tell us what else is going on over there in London.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It's a pretty cool scene at the moment. Yes, it's fun. I get up pretty much every night. Yeah, it's a fun time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The queen is dead.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

She is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that make you feel? Yeah, party time. How did that make you feel? When the queen died, I was.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, pretty nonchalant about it. I did a show that night, like half an hour after it got announced that she died.

[Brian Redban]

You monster.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

The host went up and he went, does anyone give a fuck? And one guy went, I do. And he went, nah, you can go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Absolutely incredible. Right? The queen dies, but the show must go on. So, Lee Hudson, tell us more. What else have we missed about your life since the last time we've seen you?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Last time we spoke, I was with someone for a very long time and you guys made fun of me because we weren't married. That went to shit. That's gone now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did we. You think we helped with that?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Oh, no, it was like another four years later that ended. So, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Yeah, I drew it out a while.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that was your stepmom.

[Brian Redban]

I'm done too, dad. I'm done too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how long ago was the breakup?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

It was during the pandemic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So have you been dating since then?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Have you been with an American woman?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

No. Canadian was the closest I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Canadian was the closest. Have you ever kissed an American woman?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a. Is there any chance. You know, we have some of the best audience members in the world is. Is there. This is a famous segment of this show where it's called Kiss Me. And sometimes we have a female audience member come up and kiss. Is there. Wow, look at this young lady right here.

[Brian Redban]

She's scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's a real American. Come on up here. That is a real American right there.

[Brian Redban]

I hope she gets on stage. She's like aura. It's Dewey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're about to kiss an American girl. Are you excited?

[Unknown Speaker 1]

Somewhat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Lee Hudson.

[Brian Redban]

I never had to calls you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is about to go down. This is a real. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, now, Tony, I've never witnessed this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Do we.

[Brian Redban]

Do we check that door for consent? Do. Do we backdraft this? Do we negotiate what kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She consents. Lee, do you consent?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, sure. Enthusiastically.

[Crystal Lee]

Can I do my minute if I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no. You can't do your minute. She's a.

[Brian Redban]

No. Thank you. You know, it was right. It was right of you to ask, but we were thought you were up here for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my gosh. Wow, look at that.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a real. Oh, my God.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Look at that. From Buckingham to Ham. This is going to be going down tonight.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God. You're gonna love being married to his dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. Look at the look of happiness on Lee Hudson's face. This is one of the happiest south park characters I've ever seen in my life.

[Brian Redban]

Seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Right now.

[Brian Redban]

In his mind, he's like, keep calm and get hard. Keep calm and get hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely. Is that a little fucking. Is that Winston Churchill's cigar in your pants or are you just happy to be here? Wow. This is a fucking. A whole new revolutionary war. What's your name, sweetheart?

[Crystal Lee]

Crystal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crystal, okay. And you prepared a minute. You really want to do it? All right. We haven't had a female comedian up tonight, so, ladies and gentlemen. Doing her minute. Make some noise for Crystal. Crystal Lee, stay up here with your future wife. And one more time, ladies and gentlemen, this is Crystal, everybody.

[Crystal Lee]

Hi, my name is Crystal, and I identify as skinny. I guess you could say I'm trans fat. I think you can tell a lot about a girl by the way she names her pet. Like, if her dog has a first, middle, and last name, she might be a little crazy. But if her dog's name is Chalupa, Batman, Muggles, Cash Evansbald, she might be psychotic. For the record, I call him Muggles for short. It's not like I walk around calling him Chalupa Batman, Muggles, Cash Evanswold. That would be crazy. I've pretty much given up on ever getting married and having that rock on my hand to show off to all my friends. At this point, the closest I'm getting to a rock is inside Camp Patterson Sweatpants. I've actually never been with a black man before. I've never been with a black man before. I know I look like I'm lying. I've been told I look like Jelly Roll and Amy Schumer's love child.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I still don't know if That's a compliment,

[Brian Redban]

that's all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. No doubt about it. That's an incredible performance. Got better as it went on. Started strong. Incredible stuff. Crystal. Yeah. Wow. Wow. What's going on? Are you about to cry? I'm good. Oh my goodness. You are so happy. This is amazing. How do you feel?

[Crystal Lee]

I knew this was gonna happen. I didn't even shower today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like I was gonna be the one. We could tell. It's all right. It's a match made in heaven. It's a match made in heaven. Lee's British, so he didn't brush his teeth today. This is absolutely, absolutely incredible. You didn't shower today? Wow.

[Crystal Lee]

I brushed my teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's very good. Very good.

[Brian Redban]

I showered my teeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crystal, wow. I mean my goodness. How long have you been doing stand up, Crystal?

[Crystal Lee]

This is my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time. Look. It's amazing. A stunning, stunning stage presence. I love it. Your fishnets caught a whale. This is absolutely amazing. I've never seen anybody. I've never seen anybody wear a skirt over their shirt before. It's amazing. Crystal, what's your last name? I know it's not Crystal Light. Tony, I've heard of Crystal Light, but this is.

[Brian Redban]

Crystal already is be going to to have to answer her mom when she goes. And how did you get up on stage?

[Crystal Lee]

My mom's dead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my goodness.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, trust me, she might visit you tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. This is amazing. Crystal, your mom is dead. Where's dad at tonight?

[Brian Redban]

Oh, I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't talk to your dad either. So how is it possible if you don't talk to your dad and you look the way you do? Why haven't you fucked a black guy yet? You think he's not gonna. You think your dad's not gonna talk to you twice?

[Brian Redban]

Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

come on. John's laughing.

[Crystal Lee]

Tony, my biological dad have actually had a bet with my uncle that I'd be pregnant by a black dude by the time I was 16. So I was like no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So like wow. I don't know who won that bet. Looks like everybody loses one cuz you're not pregnant but you could be. All right. Crystal has a great sense of.

[Crystal Lee]

I have a secret move in the bedroom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you do have a secret move in the bedroom. What is it? The. A surprise. I didn't shower.

[Crystal Lee]

God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The. The you me while I plug your nose.

[Brian Redban]

Crystal, I apologize in advance, but is your secret move sandwiches?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, she makes the sandwiches before they fuck. She's got the order of events backwards here Crystal, what is your secret move in the bedroom? Can I guess? Can I give a couple guesses? The bed breaker. No, close the efficionary position. Ooh.

[Crystal Lee]

Closer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, go ahead. What is the move?

[Crystal Lee]

It's the dolphin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Uh oh.

[Crystal Lee]

It's when a guy tries to stick it in my ass and I go ah, ah, ah.

[Casey Rocket]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. Incredible. I thought it was going to have to do with what your pussy smells like. He really.

[Brian Redban]

Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. Wow.

[Crystal Lee]

I have a second move.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. What's the second move?

[Crystal Lee]

I roll a perfect blunt. And if you smoke a blunt while you're in doggy style, it's so perfect. And I have a shelf so you can like put the ashtray there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God.

[Crystal Lee]

And you just pass it back and forth while you're fucking doggy style.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God.

[Crystal Lee]

It works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So the person can smoke a blunt and put the ashtray on your back and an ash on your back. And then they hand it to you sometimes and you hit it while you're getting. Wow. I can't imagine what your bedroom smells like. This is incredible.

[Brian Redban]

Is it possible for me to get canceled by listening to someone else talk? Not a special trying to get people over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rose Gold Daniel Van Kirk comedy on YouTube. Make sure you watch it.

[Brian Redban]

That's very nice. Nice.

[Crystal Lee]

I've always wanted to be roasted by you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, it's not the first time that I've roasted a pig, so this is incredible. Absolutely amazing. Should I put an apple in your mouth before I continue?

[Brian Redban]

That's actually my third move. I keep getting sucked in to this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you did it.

[Brian Redban]

That would actually be a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a big joke book for Lee. Here's a big joke book for Crystal. There she goes. Thank you so much. Wow. So much fun. Such a fun episode. So much momentum and we're going to keep it going. We have one of our greatest golden ticket winners ever here ready with a brand new minute. This guy is absolutely unbelievable. He's been on a real streak lately. Really, really impressive stuff. And we're gonna talk about it after his set. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. This is indeed Martin Phillips, everybody.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay, what's up? How we doing? Okay. I'm situated. Oh, I don't know that guy. Okay, I got two jokes. I like flowers, but I would never want to be a flower because then every time I ejaculated I would sneeze. That's a smart cum joke. This morning for breakfast, I had soup or something. People call it Bloody Mary. You know better than that. Had to be an alcoholic. You know what would be good at the soup? Vodka. Liquor. I don't have a problem. And there's no other hard soups out there, you know, you never. I never put jit in my chicken noodle, you know, never. But anyhow. Okay, cool. I'll get in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. The return of truly one of the greatest golden ticket winners. Martin Phillips, everyone. Martin, how you doing?

[Martin Phillips]

Okay. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daniel Van Kirk. You ever seen Martin before?

[Brian Redban]

I have not. Just straight, clean jokes, man.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

That was great.

[Brian Redban]

I can't. I'm the guy that can't take it. I knew they'd turn on me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin. Another unbelievable, brand new minute, you know? I'll tell you guys a short story, which is on Thursday.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, it was Thursday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thursday night I had my own show here at the Mothership. And usually my entire. You know, all the regulars and, you know, my current friends, Tony and friends. Shows, they're. It's. Usually everybody's here, and William and Casey and Cam and Ron White, and all of these people, all of them were working that night and out on the road and this and that. And last minute with, like, 45 minutes ago, I'm like, jesus Christ. Who's working the door? This, that. Okay, well, no Heath, no Cam, no this, no that, no David Jolly. David's headlining on the road. Everybody's out on the road somehow on this magical night. So I hit up Martin Phillips, and he's like, I'm down the street. I'll be there. And he came on, and of course, I'm curious to see how he's gonna do doing 10 minutes on his own. I've only seen you on Kill, Tony, and you fucking killed so hard that the entire club was talking about it. One of the great managers here, the lovely chica. I remember as I was coming down to go on stage, I go. I go, can we get a W9 from Martin? It was his first time performing in this room. And she goes, got it right here. Can't wait. Like, the whole building was. Was so excited to have you join. It was just the right place, the right time. You were around. You were able to get here. You made your set. And he decimated. I mean, he crushed this room.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, it was crazy. I. I almost didn't pick up your call. I was like, who's. Who's calling me from Hollywood, Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I do still have my old cell phone number.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah. But I was at another, like, mic. But as soon as, Like, I was like, peace out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. It was the first time that I called you and a fun call and you answered and it was incredible. Amazing stuff. How'd you feel after that?

[Cam Patterson]

It was cool.

[Crystal Lee]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It.

[Martin Phillips]

First doing the stage.

[Micah Brown]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

It was really. What they say is true. All the shows are good here. Yeah, it was very fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was magical. It was absolutely incredible. You're killing it. You're doing great. And you're also. You're gonna be in la, correct?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, I'll be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doing an arena at the Forum. How does that make you feel?

[Martin Phillips]

I have no idea. I'll see. I'll see how crazy it is when I get there. I have no expectations. Yeah. Just go with the flow. And. Yeah, I don't eat shit. That's probably my main focus. Yes. About when you get there, but plane tickets, but getting to the actual arena because LA sucks.

[Brian Redban]

Can I make a suggestion?

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Just.

[Brian Redban]

Just to see what happens. Hitchhike, just so you know. See who picks you up, man.

[Martin Phillips]

Live a little Good Samaritan out there at least.

[Brian Redban]

Then see you get a story out of it. Get a story.

[Martin Phillips]

I make it there. But.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. So you have everything going for you. You're absolutely killing. Every new minute is very, very, very impressive. I remember when I made you a golden ticket winner back in D.C. five or six years ago, however long ago it was. I remember thinking, God damn, this guy's good. But I'm actually literally watching you constantly get better. You're one of the few golden ticket winners that hits me up very regularly to call in for your spot. A lot of the, you know, a little fun fact behind the scenes of the show is that anybody, any golden ticket winner, can hit me up anytime. Take Heath's writing process. You know, he's very new, very green. Even though he's a golden ticket winner, he's a different level. You know, 21 years old, looks like he's nine. And Enrique, you know, it takes him a while to have a new minute that he's excited about. All these. Almost all the other golden ticket winners take a while. Or Jared Nathan and Aaron Belial live in Canada and can't come a lot, but Martin, more than anybody tries to come in. And you do it with beautiful grace for a guy that's shaky and wobbly and bent out of shape. Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

You know, and, you know, it looks like I might step on toes I try not to step on. I take. Speaking of out there golden dick winners, I get recognized a little odd, but this has happened a lot. People recognize me and Then they go Aaron, right? And we don't look alike. And most importantly, I can fucking talk. You know,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm just saying it's, it's, it's clear. It's.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah. Oh, and he has like a dog. I don't have that dog. My, my hands in my pocket. I don't do that thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. This is handicap on handicap crime happening right here. These guys, I haven't seen a fight like this since a parking spot was up for grabs.

[Martin Phillips]

I have no beef with them. It's just the listeners are the dumb ones. They can't tell it in quad apart. You know, if you get a second black guy. Oh, you know, that's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is absolutely, everything you are saying is absolutely correct.

[Brian Redban]

For the record, the views expressed by all the comics up here tonight are not exemplary of Daniel Van Kirk Rose Gold.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That Daniel Van kirk comedy on YouTube.

[Brian Redban]

Leave kill Danny in the comments when you go check it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, I've mentioned this before but a lot of people say, oh you know, Kill Tony's at the show with all the handicapped people and this and that. Like, it's like it, it really cracks me up because again I don't. If, if we were to make a compilation of all your minutes, I mean other than the regulars, there would be you, Aaron, Belial, Jared, Nathan, which all of you are a little in your own ways, like you know, a little wobbly and. But no one else has done that good and no one else has done that good that many times. The fact that you guys are all little whatever is just a coincidence. Yeah. And again, Michael Lair had a different thing. He had ALS and he was the fucking absolute goat. I mean genius. Hilarious. The late, great Michael Lair. Total different ailment. He would be furious if he could hear me comparing him to these handicapped people.

[Brian Redban]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because, because most of his life he was a normal stud. Until the very end of course, when, when he died. But we knew that he was going to die. You're not going to die. You have a full lifespan ahead of

[Martin Phillips]

you, I hope, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. It's amazing that you can cross your fingers like that. I wouldn't have guessed that you'd be

[Isaac Kane Brown]

able to do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean I almost called you Aaron after all that. I almost said Martin Phillips everybody. Godamn, what a episode. Am I right? We having fun tonight, huh? He pulled another name.

[Brian Redban]

You're like a gym teacher in the 90s looking at like, I don't know, cuz some of you are a little cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's where over a decade in the writers Guild gets me. It's like, it. I'll come up with something. All right, make some noise for your. What should be our final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Micah Brown or Maan or mcan Brown.

[Micah Brown]

Yoga pants. Let's talk about it, boys. I feel like the same people that wear yoga pants when not on their way to do yoga or on their way from doing yoga are like the same people that wear camouflage when they're not actively hunting or actively being hunted. The thing that blows my mind is there's camouflage yoga pants out there. Dude. What are those for? Trying to stretch in secret? Are you part of the Indian special forces? Are you trying to live, laugh, reload, dude. Are you trying to eat, pray, eliminate what's going on? You guys want to really know what's going on? They're just trying to hide their camel toes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Really thought there was gonna be more laughter there at the end. Held for laughter one more time for Micah Brown. Ladies and gentlemen, here, criticizing fashion while dressed like the final boss of the video game Delta 8. An incredible getup for a guy making fun of what guys wear. How do you feel?

[Micah Brown]

I feel great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing stand up?

[Micah Brown]

Five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on the show before, right?

[Micah Brown]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how did it go other times? Better or worse?

[Micah Brown]

About the same.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Micah Brown]

I had fun both times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And remind us, what do you do for work right now?

[Brian Redban]

Hold on.

[Jacob Canter]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, here we go.

[Brian Redban]

I meant to say this earlier when we heard. Right now, I'm sleeping in a hammock. Nothing good follows this. Nothing. No good sentence ends with this. It's always temporary. And where I'd rather not be. Take it away, Micah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right now,

[Micah Brown]

I Serve Pizza on 6th Street. You nailed it, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. You serve it, you don't make it. No. You don't know.

[Micah Brown]

You don't want me making the pie?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, no, we don't want you making the pie.

[Micah Brown]

I fill up the water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You fill up water. Okay. I think we found one of those dolphins. Is it Micah?

[Micah Brown]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Has anything interesting happened since the last time you were on where we could talk about it during an interview?

[Micah Brown]

Honestly? Yeah. Saturday, my baby mama called me crying.

[Brian Redban]

And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you writing this as you go right now?

[Brian Redban]

No, this is.

[Micah Brown]

This really happens.

[William Montgomery]

3.

[Micah Brown]

But the guy she was dating, she just broke up with died in a motorcycle accident. So I'm trying to console her, but I'm, like, kind of happy this dude's dead, you know, Like. But I don't know how I Feel about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's weird, right?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah, no doubt about it. So what did you say?

[Micah Brown]

Well, I just watched my kid at the park for three hours and she had time and space when you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When. So wait, hold on. So she's like, oh my God, my boyfriend's dead, I'm gonna drop off the baby, right?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Micah Brown]

We arranged plans for me to watch the kids so she could.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You say kids, kid. Right. So you got the kid and you took the kids straight to the park?

[Micah Brown]

Yeah, that's the place to go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this a dog?

[Micah Brown]

Dude, kids and dogs very similar, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just take them to the park and you let him shit outside?

[Micah Brown]

No, he would like to, but you have to treat him better than a dog, right? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So he's three years old. Okay. And what does he think you do for a living? Pizza.

[Micah Brown]

He came to my job. It's the best job to have if you have a three year old because they think you're killing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what I'm saying? Do you do this as a joke on stage?

[Micah Brown]

This is the first time I've said this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible.

[Brian Redban]

We're fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is exactly what Daniel Van Kirk was talking about earlier. It's like people can feel it when it's real. I make pizza for a living. I have a three year old son. And he thinks, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, don't feel bad for me because my kid thinks I have the coolest job in the world. And then you get to that and expound it like stay away from the. Don't you love when your ex's boyfriend dies? Like, leave that out.

[Micah Brown]

You got to dig through the mud, man. You got to dig through the mud. Mud.

[Brian Redban]

Or walk around the mud.

[Micah Brown]

Thank you guys for going on that with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Or drive right over the mud like your ex's boyfriend did. A little slippery out there.

[Brian Redban]

Did you.

[Isaac Kane Brown]

Did.

[Brian Redban]

Did you notice in your set that you got your better jokes on the camo stuff was. Was later on, right? Like eat, pray, eliminate and all that stuff. Just get to that. Like you said, people walking around in fucking yoga pants with Cam, like what are they doing? Boom. Joke. Eat, pray, eliminate. Boom. Just fucking go to that. We all know exactly what it is. And no disrespect to you at all, that take isn't hot. Like commenting on yoga pants and stuff like that, but coming up with funny phrases that nobody has applied to that. And true. What that lifestyle is, that's funny. So get to the joke and then listen to this fucking legend and talk about that you're going to be seeing crazy shit filling up Walters on 6th street every night.

[Micah Brown]

Oh, yeah, it's fun.

[Brian Redban]

I wonder what it would be. And then what? That, like, have that. It's funny that you might be watching two people fight over a crust of pizza while trying to answer the phone to your baby mama and getting yelled at that you aren't pouring enough water. You know what I'm saying? Like, just. It's all. There's a movie, Mike Birbigli's movie, Sleepwalk With Me, where Marin tells him in the movie. I think you should just talk about that while he's, like, bitching about his life. It's all fucking right in front of you, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You get messy at the pizza joint?

[Micah Brown]

No, I wash my hands a lot. Very self conscious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Clean hands.

[Micah Brown]

I might be autistic. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you think relatable? You think. You think autism is washing your hands at work, at a food and beverage establishment? That's what you think autism is? Is being a decent human being?

[Micah Brown]

Oh, I'm just. I think I'm just gross. Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second. I'm not automatic autistic. I'm disgusting. Yeah. Dude. All right, congratulations. You already have. What size joke books do you have?

[Micah Brown]

I have. I have one little joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, guess what, my friend? You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna upgrade you to a big one here tonight. There he goes.

[Micah Brown]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Micah Brown, everybody. All right. I decided when he was up here, we're going to do one more bucket pull. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. No matter what happens, make some noise for David Gamble, everybody. David Gamble.

[David Gamble]

Thank you. Met a nice lady the other day, taught me what the missionary position actually is. Turns out I had a twist of my whole life. I thought the missionary position was where you take a person and you don't give them food or water till they agree to worship your God. That's a relief. I like this. Okay. Get a lot of my clothes at the thrift store. That's how I was raised. My parents brought me up not to spend too much money on my clothes. It's actually based on an ancient Chinese proverb. Roughly translated goes a little something like this. The clothing does not make the child, the child makes the clothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[David Gamble]

Ah, fuck it. I'll try this one. So word stillborn's kind of an oxymoron, huh? It's not like they're still born now, are they? God damn it. That's still. I still have time. What should I do with it?

[Joseph Kirkimme]

All right,

[David Gamble]

that's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Fuck it. Very funny. David Gamble.

[David Gamble]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely adorable. How long you been doing stand up, David?

[David Gamble]

11 years, mostly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

11 years. Where at?

[David Gamble]

Colorado Springs. Columbus, Ohio, A bunch of places.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's where you live now? Columbus?

[David Gamble]

Colorado Springs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live in Colorado Springs now? And how long did you live in Ohio?

[David Gamble]

Most of my life, till I was about 28. I actually did the show once in 2014, a long time ago. Kiltoni in Columbus, Ohio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Columbus. Yep, in 2014.

[David Gamble]

That was brand new.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit. That's fucking 10 years.

[Jacob Canter]

First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus fucking Christ.

[David Gamble]

I had no idea what it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we didn't either at the time. That is amazing. So you were just a year in back then? Basically just starting out. And how did that set go for you?

[David Gamble]

Not good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. And look at you now. And you stuck with it. Why Colorado Springs?

[David Gamble]

Airbnb. I started an Airbnb. It was a pandemic thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wanted to get out of Columbus, you went to Colorado Springs and you bought real estate and you started Airbnb it out. Is that what that means by Airbnb?

[David Gamble]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[David Gamble]

There's a couple steps removed, but I moved to Vegas first, and I didn't like it. There's a bunch of Denver, too. I didn't really like Denver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you've lived a lot of places. How many dead hookers are in your path?

[David Gamble]

At least three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[David Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. What do you do for work, David?

[David Gamble]

Freelance marketing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. And are you making good money off your Airbnb in Colorado Springs?

[David Gamble]

Used to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened?

[David Gamble]

Economy went down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It did in Colorado, didn't it?

[David Gamble]

Everywhere, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, speak for yourselves.

[David Gamble]

Good point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Daniel Van Kirk, Your.

[Brian Redban]

Your Airbnb.

[David Gamble]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

It's a house that you rent the whole thing out or you're doing some share stitches.

[David Gamble]

I made it into two apartments, and I live in the basement one. It's kind of sad.

[Brian Redban]

Do you leave the premises?

[David Gamble]

I'm not there now.

[Brian Redban]

We got ourselves. We got ourselves a goddamn genius up here. Got ourselves a goddamn teleporter. I'm saying when people rent it, dude, they rent the whole place. And you leave

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that. It's a great question. A lot of these Airbnbs, there's always a creepazoid coming in and out of the back door. That's you.

[David Gamble]

That's exactly it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that would be. That would be.

[Brian Redban]

You're always. You're, like, permanently the people under the stairs when someone's renting out your place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's exactly right. Is there anything worse? Can you imagine renting out the whole Airbnb? And then you're like, oh, wa. Wait, there's somebody coming up the driveway. Oh, my God. It's the world's tallest midget. David Gamble, has anyone ever told you you look like the world's tallest midget?

[David Gamble]

Just now. That was the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. There's a first time for everything.

[Brian Redban]

Thanks to the popularity of this show, you're gonna get it a lot.

[David Gamble]

Yeah, I imagine so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Brian Redban]

So any. You're more of a joke writer than telling stories from your personal life. Life. Okay. Damn it, cuz, I. I'm sure you've had some crazy aftermath or people in your place that drove you nuts. Or did wild.

[David Gamble]

People selling. I say dope. Heroin. People selling heroin out of their.

[Brian Redban]

Out of their Airbnb.

[David Gamble]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In Colorado Springs.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[David Gamble]

Junkies on the porch waiting for him. And I was just like, oh, this is what's going on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is what's going on here. I got to go out there, me, the Shaquille o' Neal of little people, and lay down the law. Lay down the law.

[Brian Redban]

I'm about to kick you people out. Ernie, you're about to get kicked out of this house. Ernie,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it is absolutely.

[Brian Redban]

So do you stay on property to avoid squatters, then?

[David Gamble]

I don't know what I do about squatters.

[Brian Redban]

Well, you avoid it as long as you're in the property. They can't. They have no legal squatting rights.

[David Gamble]

They might be in there now, though. I've been gone a couple weeks.

[Brian Redban]

Dude, you just got squatted. Welcome back to squattin'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness. So what's your love life like being the big dog in Oz?

[David Gamble]

Pretty lonely. Pretty lonely.

[Brian Redban]

You are lonely now. Really? You're surrounded by all these people.

[David Gamble]

You're right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Redban]

Because he tried to tell me he was here. It's fine. You'll get it later on, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been pretty lonely. But let me ask you something. What if you were to get. Where do you. Why do you think you can't lock down a girl? Why do you think that is?

[David Gamble]

Not just right now. It's lonely. And fighting with the guests upstairs is bad, a little bit.

[Brian Redban]

Nobody else thought he was going to go, oh, I can lock them down. It's keeping him there that's the problem.

[David Gamble]

That's pretty accurate.

[Brian Redban]

No, don't say that.

[David Gamble]

Fuck with it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What if I had someone, a world famous stud, to give you some advice on how to improve your love life? Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce a huge fan of Kill Tony, Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mark Wahlberg, everybody. How you guys doing?

[Brian Redban]

You doing good? What's up, dude, I could bench you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck that.

[Brian Redban]

I could curl you. What are you, Donny? If they got the copy wrong. So what's your problem? You sad? You lonely?

[David Gamble]

I'm sad and I'm lonely.

[John (Jonathan) from Trinidad and Tobago]

Very good.

[Brian Redban]

You know what? First, you know what you need to do? You need to become a fucking movie star.

[David Gamble]

Movie star?

[Brian Redban]

Dude, you become a fucking movie star, you can do whatever you want in this room. Becomes a third. It's fucking perfect, dude. What are you lonely about? What makes you sad on your heart?

[David Gamble]

I'm not lonely now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[David Gamble]

I'm not lonely anymore.

[Brian Redban]

No one here wants to be around you. You ever been in a fight?

[David Gamble]

No.

[Brian Redban]

You've never been in a fight?

[David Gamble]

Not a good. Not a real fight.

[Brian Redban]

Keep up this attitude, that might change. Have you ever been punched in the face in your life?

[David Gamble]

When I was little.

[Brian Redban]

What happened?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We.

[David Gamble]

I was trying to break up some kids fighting.

[Brian Redban]

And you were also a little kid?

[David Gamble]

Yep.

[Brian Redban]

And you said, hey, little kids, let's not.

[David Gamble]

I just tried to pull them apart.

[Brian Redban]

You walked in and were like, hey,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's not do this to each other.

[Brian Redban]

And somebody hit you in the mouth?

[David Gamble]

Probably. Yeah, about right.

[Brian Redban]

You care if I make a movie out of that?

[David Gamble]

Can I be in it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[David Gamble]

Can I be in it? I heard it'll help me with being. God damn it.

[Brian Redban]

What are you, Donnie Wahlberg? You can't be in it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't be in it.

[Brian Redban]

But when's the last time you dated somebody, and I mean more than three times?

[David Gamble]

Early last year.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, so that's not too long ago.

[David Gamble]

It's kind of long ago.

[Brian Redban]

Well, it'd be long for me. For you, not that long ago. I got a hand job when I was walking out here. Okay.

[David Gamble]

Hell, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Wait, you got. Who ended it, you or her?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me.

[Brian Redban]

Why? Tell me about the girl who's not

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

good enough for you.

[David Gamble]

I don't like giving her press.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[David Gamble]

I don't like giving her press.

[Brian Redban]

You don't like giving her press?

[David Gamble]

That's what I was saying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, okay. She's a fame like me or she's a normo, like you?

[David Gamble]

She's a normo like me. Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Okay, so what happened? Her Airbnb rental was up and you said, I can't do this anymore?

[David Gamble]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Are you for real?

[Micah Brown]

No.

[David Gamble]

You don't Fuck your guest.

[Brian Redban]

Don't ever fucking lie to me again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mark, why don't you give him a big joke book? We're gonna send him on his way.

[Brian Redban]

I'm gonna give you a big joke up. And here I want you to write on the very first page. I promise. Say it.

[David Gamble]

I promise to do cardio. To do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. David Gamble, ladies and gentlemen. And how about a hand for Mark Walpole, huh? Well, there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen. It's the only way we know how. This is kill. Tony hall of famer, the record holder for all time appearances on the show, all time interviews, an absolute bonafide superstar. I present to you the vanilla gorilla, the St. Louis lasso, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is indeed lights out. The one and only William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Well, that guy from the Naked Gun movie died last week. Yeah, that's right. O.J. simpson last week went to heaven. It was pretty awkward for OJ because the first person he bumped into was Nicole Brown Simpson. Okay. When asked about Iran's attack on Israel, Joe Biden responded, chocolate chip, especially on a cone. Remember that blind man character on Star Trek? Apparently with those special glasses he could read rainbows. That's a good joke. LeVar Burton reading Rainbow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

I'm trying to build a barrier between myself and smoking cigarettes. And Tony, I'm actually using. Using Zinder blocks. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

59 seconds on the dot for the man who's done it more than anyone else. Another brand new minute from William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

And I really do just want to say, Daniel, it is so sweet of you to actually stick around for this. When I was just watching the episode where I played David Lucas, it was literally one of my best fucking sets and you fucking walk out at the very beginning of it. So this is hard. Right when I started, the minute you walked out. I have been playing that over and over again for the past four years. So it's kind of crazy you're actually here right now.

[Brian Redban]

It's crazy. It is crazy.

[William Montgomery]

Why'd you walk out? I've been wanting to ask you that from the beginning.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there he goes. Oh, he's back.

[Brian Redban]

I don't remember. It probably seemed like a good bit at the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He probably had to use the restroom or had somewhere to go.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, cool.

[William Montgomery]

I was just wondering.

[Brian Redban]

I. I'm sure it was a good bit, wasn't it wasn't the joke that I was like, I'm going to get canceled for this. And so that was, I think at

[William Montgomery]

the beginning was, I'm tired of being big and black or something. I was trying to play David Lucas. And then you bailed right after that. So did I leave?

[Brian Redban]

Leave the stage?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, right after that. I literally watch it all the time. I'm not even kidding. I watched it 10 times up in the green room.

[Brian Redban]

Truth of the matter is I probably was doing a stupid bit. You know when you say to comics, you're like, hey, be real for a second. I've got to tell you something about my life. Because you need them to not bit what you're trying to do or tell them. I was probably doing a bet. I think you're great. If in any way me leaving made you feel the opposite. I'm sorry, buddy.

[William Montgomery]

Wait and hold on. I am so sorry. I did not hear a word you said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give him a hug, William. There you go. You go. There you go.

[William Montgomery]

He smells weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I do have to go pulling a Donnell Rawlings. Ladies and gentlemen, the great Daniel Van Kirk. Donnell once walked off the show was a big deal.

[Brian Redban]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, he said that he had to go have dinner somewhere, but he didn't. He got made fun of by someone who kept warning him to stop making fun of him or else he was going to make fun of Donnell. But Donnell did two more gems jokes after that, and then the guy lit his ass up. And then Donnell drunkenly left and then immediately started saying, I didn't leave. But it's like seen by millions of people.

[Brian Redban]

Did you see him tell Bert he didn't want any of his fucking tequila? He was on Bert's show and he goes, I'll have a drink. And he's like, what do you want? And he goes, I'll have some. It's vodka, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's vodka.

[Brian Redban]

And so he goes, oh, vodka. And then he goes, you want some Two bears? And then he goes, nope. And then everybody left. He's like, why? What the wrong with you? It's my tequila. But Donald's not boring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy.

[Brian Redban]

There it is.

[William Montgomery]

I'm falling asleep over here, dude.

[Brian Redban]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. William sometimes takes shots at the guest. You wouldn't know because you leave during his sets.

[Brian Redban]

Now I remember why. I remember why.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, you had some Barry William Montgomery references, a Naked Gun reference to lead into your OJ material. A LeVar Burton joke which is both a starch old Star Trek and a reading rainbow joke at the same time. All of these references from the late 80s, early 90s.

[William Montgomery]

I have gone on a big kick I was actually really excited at first. I really did think Mark Wahlberg was here. I sort of got it. And I just watched Fear for the first time. I think I watched ten different movies.

[Brian Redban]

You're right, dude. I fingered her four times off camera.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I know.

[William Montgomery]

That movie was so hot when there he was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I. I've never seen it. What? What's it you've never seen?

[Brian Redban]

Fear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, dude.

[Brian Redban]

I drive around in a Corvair and I make fun of the guy from CSI New York or whatever. And then I take his daughter up on a roller coaster and she's from Sweet home Alabama and I finger her

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on the roller coaster.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah, it is. We didn't even know they were filming.

[William Montgomery]

It's a beautiful scene. It's a beautiful scene. I kept on replaying it.

[Brian Redban]

It's a beautiful scene.

[William Montgomery]

You make her. It appears that you make her orgasm. When y' all are going down the hill of the roller coaster. I couldn't believe that.

[Brian Redban]

It does. It does appear. It does appear.

[William Montgomery]

And how did you cut that dog's head off? That's the only thing. I love the movie, but I couldn't figure out, would you have a machete? How'd you do that? That was my one qualm with the movie.

[Brian Redban]

I did it with a. I did it with a spoon, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boring. Okay, okay. Oh, my God. Is this your new catchphrase, William?

[Brian Redban]

Boring. It's great.

[William Montgomery]

There's some 91 year old old man opening up for my ass in Springfield, Missouri. Old me and Willie, who I actually did last Love, but he was kind of sucking towards the end of one of the sets and I said boring. And the guy literally fell over on the stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did?

[Maddie G]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[William Montgomery]

They had to take him away in an ambulance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[William Montgomery]

I'm not even kidding. No, it was horrible. So that's why maybe I should stop saying the boring thing. I literally think so. The guy literally got taken away in an ambulance. He hit his head really hard on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[William Montgomery]

On the hard floor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can never tell when you're being serious. Oh, yeah?

[Maddie G]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

It wasn't good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I haven't gotten to talk with you since you did St. Louis this weekend. Old man Willie.

[William Montgomery]

Old man Willie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's really 91.

[William Montgomery]

He's 91. He was doing great. There was one point in time, though. He got up and he did this horribly loud fart. And I just had to keep from smiling or laughing because I felt bad for him. But we just kept the conversation going like normal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But yeah, Road's a little crazy out there when you don't have your own people with you, huh?

[William Montgomery]

It is, Yeah. I got way too high before the second show on Friday night. I don't think the audience could tell, but I was freaking out, Tony. I was going full fledged panic mode in my brain. It ended up being okay, I think.

[Brian Redban]

Boring.

[William Montgomery]

Okay,

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[William Montgomery]

I don't disagree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, anything else you're passionate about before we put a ribbon on this thing tonight?

[Brian Redban]

Oh, shit. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's fired up. God.

[William Montgomery]

I watched. What was it? It was a Robert De Niro movie last night with Edward Norton. And Edward Norton is acting like this guy the entire time. They're breaking. I can't even remember the name of the movie, but I got score. Score? Yeah, the score.

[Brian Redban]

Brando's in it, man. I love the score.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, Tony, what do you love about it?

[William Montgomery]

Edward Norton plays a really great guy on it. He really does. And he's playing the long con. I mean, he's doing it for three months and they end up breaking into the thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you do an impression of Edward Norton's performance as that character?

[Brian Redban]

I am gonna go.

[William Montgomery]

In here. Hold on, let me try to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's got to go behind the curtain to start it. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen. You may remember him from the hit movie score. It's Edward Norton. Oh,

[William Montgomery]

where's the trash can?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, aboard. Aboard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that.

[Brian Redban]

Nailed it. Toad, you crushed that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wahlberg, professional actor. I couldn't tell whether that was Edward Norton or Old Man Willie, the feature from St. Louis. What else? William, before we let you go.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God. I did finish two puzzles. I finished two 500 piece puzzles. Five days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were in the puzzles?

[William Montgomery]

The real hard one. I have. I've been doing a lot of scenes where it's kind of zoned out on. I don't. I don't know. I mean, the last one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The first.

[William Montgomery]

The first one. No, the last one.

[Brian Redban]

Does anybody want to yell it or should I? How do you guys want to do this?

[William Montgomery]

So it was a. This was a great bar scene. There's a lot of shit going on. There's hammocks, weirdly enough. There's literally. There's stuff in the sand. There's crabs. But the second puzzle was actually harder. It was like a zoomed in. Gosh, it was a hodgepodge of stuff. It was this table with fucking little. Little foods on it.

[Joseph Kirkimme]

It was.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I'm gonna do another puzzle tonight, so nobody's gonna fucking stop me. I'm balls deep into em right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, we love you. You did it again. You're unbelievable to be here. The legend of the game, William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J E belt is in. Awesome. Thank you. Cookunity DraftKings game time. How about one more time for the great Daniel Van Kirk, ladies and gentlemen. Go to YouTube Daniel Van Kirk comedy and watch his brand new special rose gold everyone. Daniel Ban Kirk. An unbelievable time. Thank you so much. I love you and we love you again. Absolutely. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land. Nick Lewis on the base on the horns, Carlos Sosa and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Muling on the electric, John D's on the keys, Red Band.

[Brian Redban]

Check out the secret show every [e-mail] yeah, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The stream still available right now for the LA Forum. The rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz has a lot of your favorite stars of the show and historical figures and people performing in an arena for the very first time. Very exciting stuff happening. And yeah, MSG in August. A lot of other fun announcements coming up as always at the end of those arena shows. So who knows what will happen next. Thank you audience. We love you guys. Good night everybody. Thank you.

[Brian Redban]

It. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Brian Redban]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sam. Sa.