#666 - POST MALONE + TIM DILLON + DR PHIL (ADAM RAY)

Summary

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Kill Tony #666 – POST MALONE + TIM DILLON + DR PHIL (ADAM RAY)

Podcast: Kill Tony
Date: June 4, 2024
Location: Kia Forum, Los Angeles, CA
Special Guests: Post Malone, Tim Dillon, Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)

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Overview

Episode #666 of Kill Tony is an epic, star-studded live recording at the sold-out LA Forum celebrating over a decade of the world’s #1 live comedy podcast. Hosted by Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, this monumental show features celebrity guests Post Malone and Tim Dillon, with Adam Ray doing an uncanny Dr. Phil, alongside beloved regulars and surprise appearances (including RFK Jr. and Bobby Lee). Throughout the night, dozens of aspiring comedians get their shot at a minute of stand-up, followed by brash feedback, roast battles, crowd interactions, and explosive musical moments. The show crescendos with a highly-anticipated Hans Kim vs. Rick Diaz rematch and Hans’s emotional induction into the Kill Tony Hall of Fame.

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Key Segments & Highlights

Opening & Setup

• [01:25] Post Malone delivers a raucous, comedic “national anthem” parody, setting the irreverent tone.
• [04:46] Tony reflects on the origins of Kill Tony: “I got really high one night and had the idea to do a Monday podcast… I said, what if we give everyone one minute and see how it goes? So experimental, it can explode at any moment.”
• [09:42] The band and crew are introduced – marking their first return to LA in 4 years post-pandemic.

The Panel: Post Malone, Tim Dillon & Dr. Phil (Adam Ray)

• Star-studded panel immediately starts riffing on industry guests in the audience (Netflix, Hulu, Amazon execs) and playfully heckling the crowd’s attitude toward streaming platforms.
  • Tony Hinchcliffe [15:35]: “You guys boo Netflix. What’s wrong with you? Also, there’s Amazon execs here… The industry is changing, we’re watching it live.”

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Stand-up Bucket Pulls: Notable Contestants & Commentary

Casey Rocket (Feature Set)

• [18:44] Delivers high-energy, surreal humor about praying on ketamine and vivid physical antics.
  • Casey Rocket [20:12]: “If you’ve ever prayed on ketamine, those have to be confusing prayers. Dear Lord, make me big and small at the same time.”
  • Tony and panel riff on Casey’s Rod Stewart-esque look.

Sean McAbre (First Timer)

• [27:04] Debuts with explicit tattoo stories, notably about “tattooing a stripper’s asshole,” leading to intense panel feedback and audience reactions.
  • Tony Hinchcliffe [28:51]: “Who the hell makes their comedy debut at the LA Forum?”
  • Sean reveals it’s his first time ever on stage.

RFK Jr. (Cameo)

• [35:34] Adam Ray impersonates RFK Jr. attempting standup, referencing “brain worms” and “conspiracy theories”.
  • RFK Jr. [35:59]: “My brain worm wrote some jokes for me. He’s very funny—mostly conspiracy theories, you have to filter that out.”
  • Panel and crowd respond with applause and laughter.
  • Dr. Phil: “Well, he’s got a sense of humor, he could be president now!” ([39:34])

J Frunk (First Timer)

• [41:00] Set falls flat, Tony roasts him for ineffective jokes but acknowledges his courage.
  • J Frunk reveals it's his birthday. Tony gives him a “joke” for his troubles.

Aaron Belial (“Mute Comedian” – Golden Ticket)

• [53:39] Delivers dark, disability-centric jokes via text-to-speech, and parodies Dr. Phil and Tony’s mannerisms.
  • Aaron Belial [58:27]: “Sex is so much better doggy style in my Crocs. I call it crocky style.”
  • Engages in lively banter about Crocs, sex, and roasts Tony and Dr. Phil.

John Luna

• [63:41] Self-deprecating material about being a large Mexican growing up around white people, incorporating a physical gag (fake fall).
  • Set leads to further banter about John’s psoriasis, unemployment, and living with his mom.
  • Tony Hinchcliffe [66:26]: “You need longer sleeves and a longer shirt and… there’s so much you need it’s unbelievable.”

Ari Shaffir (Surprise Set)

• [68:43] The crowd erupts for the LA/NYC comedy legend, who brings his signature wildness to the stage and literal cheeky antics.

Cam Patterson (Regular)

• [73:08] Opens with news he’s having a kid, then subverts expectations with abortion material, making both panel and crowd recoil and laugh.
  • Cam Patterson [73:18]: “What y’all cheering for? We finna kill that baby. … Fuck that baby, man.”
  • Dr. Phil and Tony riff on abortion, fatherhood, and Florida/Texas geography.

Andrew Avia

• [81:07] Mexican comic boldly opens with a George Floyd bit, leading to raucous panel reaction.
  • Tony [82:38]: “Your work ethic sucks. Do you wait for a police shooting and then write a joke?”

Sophie Forcioli

• [96:29] First female bucket pull talks about “marrying a nurse,” making out with a bagged-grocery joke, and being happy out of the dating scene.
  • Fun, supportive banter about her marriage, bedroom antics, and finding out she’s related to Napoleon.
  • Dr. Phil [99:22]: “What’s your best quality your husband noticed? … Always important when you meet at work.”
  • Crowd boo’s expired eggs in her fridge.

JP Hinsdale

• [104:04] Stand-out LA local with solid microplastics and Catholic church bits.
  • Discussion of his family, conception at Bob’s Big Boy, quitting drinking.

Wendy Cressley

• [111:49] Former inmate turns her prison stint (for “conspiracy to distribute meth”) into material. Discussion of living in an RV on house arrest.
  • Tony [112:53]: “Can you catch anything but a charge?”

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Show-Stopping Features

Drum Solo Showdown: Joel Jimenez vs. Michael Gonzalez

• [118:47-125:56] A signature, outlandish “Mexican Drum Off” contest between legend Joel Jimenez and current drummer Michael Gonzalez.
  • Joel brings wild energy, physicality, and nudity (dildo stunt).
  • Tony [124:14]: “He’s stroking the dildo… By God, he put it in his mouth… This is unprecedented.”
  • The crowd declares both winners—Joel gets recurring drummer privileges.

David Lucas (Regular)

• [127:25] Delivers “10% gay” material, then launches into a no-holds-barred roast battle with Tony, Dr. Phil, Tim Dillon, and Post Malone.
  • David Lucas [128:12]: “If you tell me you got a big ass dick, nigga, I wanna see it.”
  • Tony [130:47]: “You look fantastic. You look like fillet Leno.”
  • Lightning fast, hit-after-hit roast set—gets standing ovation.

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Main Event: Hans Kim vs. Rick Diaz – “The Rematch”

Backstory

• Recap video sets up their controversial first arena battle, online discourse, and the decision to use a decibel meter for the tiebreaker.
  • Hans Kim [143:19]: “Let’s fuck this immigrant up! Not trying so hard to please the audience—just showing them my work.”

Rick Diaz’s Set

• [146:11-148:22] Deadpan depression and relationship material, self-deprecating lines about being a “robot” and suicide attempts.
  • Rick Diaz [146:54]: “…I think that’s a good answer. Thank you, ChatGPT.”
  • Post-set banter about prepping, meeting RFK Jr., and Adam Ray’s Dr. Phil impression.

Hans Kim’s Set

• [151:48-153:52] Explores gay/Asian/immigrant humor, quick-witted references to recent controversies, and bold race jokes.
  • Hans Kim [153:52]: “My friend David Lucas got canceled for a George Floyd joke… but David Lucas is a black life and he matters. George Floyd is dead—there’s a video of it. Technically, he doesn’t matter anymore.”
  • The crowd and judging panel give Hans the edge (3–1 in votes, plus decibel meter win by 10 points).

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Immortalization: Hans Kim Joins the Kill Tony Hall of Fame

• [162:32] Bobby Lee presents Hans’s induction—emotional moment as Hans thanks the fans and reflects on his unlikely journey.
  • Hans Kim [163:02]: “I’d like to apologize to absolutely nobody… I love you guys. This is more than I could ever dream of.”

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Finale: William Montgomery + “Titty Book” Musical

• [164:27] William Montgomery, in rave gear, brings his signature oddball energy, deranged one-liners, and physical bits.
  • William Montgomery [165:31]: “Back in my day, we had G Unit and Jihad. … If your dog comes out as trans, you might not be a redneck.”
• [175:26] The entire cast and audience join Dr. Phil and William for a rousing, absurd “Titty Book” musical singalong—capping a massive communal comedy night.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Post Malone’s National Anthem Parody [01:25]:

  “...Rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air... in the home of Kill Tony.”

• Tony on LA’s pandemic era [10:09]:

  “Last show in LA was at the Comedy Store during the pandemic, in front of zero audience members, streamed to the parking lot... LA gave us a ticket for doing a live show.”

• Aaron Belial on Disability Comedy [58:27]:

  “Sex is so much better doggy style in my Crocs. I call it crocky style.”

• Dr. Phil (Adam Ray) roasting Redban [50:00]:

  “Redban is so creepy, he’s not even allowed within 50 yards of his inner child.”

• Post Malone’s crowd-work and camaraderie [70:02]:

  “This crowd went wild… proof Kill Tony fans have the most diabolical sense of humor on the planet!”

• David Lucas’s classic roast line [128:12]:

  “I talk a lot of shit about gay men, but I’m like 10% gay… if you got a big ass dick, nigga, I wanna see it.”

• Hans Kim’s Hall of Fame Speech [163:02]:

  “I’d like to apologize to absolutely nobody. … But I am sorry I could have been better [in Austin]. This is more than I could ever dream of.”

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Timestamps for Signature Segments

• [01:25] — Post Malone: “National Anthem” parody
• [13:39] — Panel introductions & explanation of show format
• [18:44] — Casey Rocket opening set
• [35:34] — RFK Jr. (Adam Ray) appearance
• [53:39] — Aaron Belial (Mute Comedian)
• [68:43] — Ari Shaffir appears
• [73:08] — Cam Patterson abortion bit
• [104:04] — JP Hinsdale’s microplastics bit
• [118:47] — Drum Solo: Joel Jimenez vs. Michael Gonzalez
• [127:25] — David Lucas’s roast set
• [143:19] — Hans vs. Rick Diaz rematch intro
• [146:11] — Rick Diaz’s rematch set
• [151:48] — Hans Kim’s rematch set
• [162:32] — Bobby Lee inducts Hans Kim into the Hall of Fame
• [164:27] — William Montgomery’s set & show finale
• [175:26] — “Titty Book” musical closing number

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

Kill Tony #666 is an anything-goes, unpredictable, raucous tribute to insanity, perseverance, and live comedy—fusing A-list celebrity energy, beloved regulars, brutal honesty, and crowd chaos. Tony keeps the show whip-smart, chaotic, and brutally funny; Post Malone and Tim Dillon add both celebrity edge and genuine comic camaraderie; Adam Ray’s Dr. Phil is uncannily sharp. The relentless pace, infamous roast battles, shocking vulnerability, and spontaneous musical finales cement this as an instant classic in the Kill Tony canon.

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If you want an absurd, uncensored, star-powered night of live stand-up and comic mayhem, this is Kill Tony at its biggest and best.

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're

[Red Band]

listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.Com. if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now please rise for the singing of your national anthem by international music superstar and the best bass player in the world, Tal Wilkenfeld.

[Post Malone]

Sam. By the dawn's early light what so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight over vampires we watch we're so gallantly streaming. Rocket's red glare the bombs bursting in air. Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. Oh, say does that star spel Mangled banner yet wa. Over the land of the free. And the home the home, the home of the br. In the home of kill tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you guys might witness history.

[Post Malone]

Give it up for Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the Comedy Store. How you guys doing today? We got a brand new podcast here, guys. First episode, pilot episode. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe. This thing's already a hit.

[Aaron Belial]

Yeah, that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's hilarious. I got really high one night and I had the idea that I'm gonna do a podcast on a Monday night at the Comedy Store. 50 or 60 comedians come here every Sunday and Monday at 6 o'. Clock. It's a mob. It's unbelievable. So when you set a Monday, 8 o' clock podcast, I'm like, how can we use the natural resource of this building to our advantage? So, but. So I said, what if we give everybody one minute and see how it goes? Yeah, it's a growing podcast, guys. You never know what's going to go. It's so experimental, it's crazy. This whole thing can explode at any given moment.

[Post Malone]

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from an arena. Jim no. Jelly Roll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tucker Carlson and Joe Rona Ch. Everybody. Dave Attell and David Spade.

[Post Malone]

Roseanne Barr. Ten fucking years. Who's ready to party? Kill Hoddle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is the best goddamn show in the world. It's ridiculous that only a few hundred thousand people listen to every episode. Those jokes fell flatter than your chest. He's got a bigger chest than I am. I know. Well, so does this. Breaking the mold here on Kilt. Tony, this is the first time we've ever had a fully grown Chucky doll perform. I'll send an Uber Black and an Uber xl because you're both of those things. She's an absolute killer. She's one of our favorite people. It's Tiffany Haddish, everybody. Put your hands together for Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, America's dad, former Comedy store host of 10 years, Bob Sa. Brody Stevens, everybody.

[Red Band]

Stephen Brody Stevens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got it.

[Post Malone]

Half the reason I'm in the wheelchair is cause my dick's so heavy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the great William Montgomery, everyone.

[David Lucas]

Where the fuck is Tony Chan?

[Post Malone]

I'm tired of being big and black, you know what I mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Lehrer, everybody. Come on. David Lucas. It's William Montgomery. Malcolm Hatchett, Ally Makofsky, Sarah Weinschenk, Melissa Esslinger, Kimberly Congdon, everybody. He never officially made it. I wanted to name it Hinchputs Notes. Then you started saying, well, it's a pilot, so you can change the name. And then I started thinking, oh, I mean, now that. Now that that's in the air, maybe it's changeable. I think Kill Tony's up there, man. Really? What do you guys think? Really?

[Dr. Phil]

Well, that seems like it's it.

[Hans Kim]

Kill Ton.

[Post Malone]

Sa. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Kia Forum here in Los Angeles, California for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock. Ready for the best night of their lives. Y.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Los Angeles, California. Big so noise.

[Post Malone]

Brian Redburn, everybody. Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

we made it. We're back, baby. First time in LA in over four years. The great Jet Ski Johnson joining the band. How about one more time for the entire damn. Best damn band in the land. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Fernando Castillo. On the horn,

[Post Malone]

Raul Vallejo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Carlos Sosa. Michael Gonzalez. On the drums, Daniel Mandelman. Joining on keys tonight, the great Jet Ski Johnson again. She's here live in the flesh. The Mutilator Mutation. Matt Muhling on the electric guit. And we told him we're doing Madison Square Garden tonight. It's D Madness on the base, everybody. Oh, my God. Our first show in LA in over four years. The last time we did a show in Los Angeles, of course, it was at the Comedy Show Store in the main room during the pandemic in front of zero audience members. And we streamed to the parking lot live in front of 16 people all having to wear masks separated 10ft apart and the city of Los Angeles. Yeah, I know. How do you think we feel? We moved to fucking Texas. And on top of all that, the city of Los Angeles gave the Comedy Store a ticket that night for us doing a live show. But I don't see a mask and I don't see any people separated at all tonight. Tonight's going to be an unbelievable time. I'm so excited to be here with all of you. This is where for our YouTube show, we would go to a commercial break. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. We're going to get right into it. You guys ready to meet your first guest tonight? I present to you one of the greatest guests in Kill Tony history. One of the funniest men on planet Earth and one of my best friends. This is Tim Dillon. Welcome, Tim. You guys want to meet your second guest? The rookie of the year guest of 2023, a man so good at being a guest, he's only done it once, and there's an entire position in the show named after him. I present to you one of the funniest people I know, one of the greatest rock stars in the world.

[Post Malone]

This is Post Malone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's fucking on. The classic deep madness fist bump. Postie, come over here. Come sit over here. How about one more time for Tim? Tim Dillon and Post Malone, everybody. Oh, yeah, we're gonna have fun tonight. A lot of amazing things lined up, including random ass bucket pools. Hundreds of people signed up for the opportunity. Tim, Post, you've been guests on the show. You guys know how it works. If I pull somebody's name out of this crazy ass fucking very dense bucket tonight, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. They could literally become a star here tonight. There's no doubt about it. Anybody has an opportunity to become absolutely famous or embarrass the hell out of themselves. This is an extra special edition of Kill Tony because all the executives and owners of Netflix are here. So literally, you could go, oh, Netflix gets booed. All right, well, there's also executives from YouTube here. Oh, no. We're gonna get in big trouble for this. You guys may have just up a multi million dollar deal for us. Thank you. They just shut off the lights right now.

[Post Malone]

They cut the whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys boo Netflix. What's wrong with you? Fucking evil fox. All right, all right, all right. Also, there's some executives from Hulu here tonight. There's executives from Amazon prime here. There you go. That's gonna make the Netflix people much happier knowing that you hate Amazon and Hulu more than them. So good. You guys love YouTube, huh? The. Oh, my God. What is happening in the world? So something in the. The industry is changing, ladies and gentlemen. We are watching it live. So they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitty, that means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out who is live. He's from here. He's here. It is the Angry Hollywood Bear, ladies and gentlemen. Oh.

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God. Delia, where are you? Delia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heath Cord has joined the fray, ladies and gentlemen, defending the stage tonight from people that try to go over their time. He is a little baby bear. He is a sweet little thing. How adorable is that? I bought that costume off Amazon prime three days ago. Yeah. And they go by ages. They don't go by sizes. And I put pick 10 to 11 and it fits like a glove. He looks like something P. Diddy ordered on Postmates. Let's go.

[Dr. Phil]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there's only one way to start a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. I'm. I'm going to. I'm going to make sure that the pool. Okay, yeah. We're going to have to wrangle that person now. Let's wrangle that person. And to start the show, getting a little bit more stage than he usually has to work with, ladies and gentlemen, an absolute superstar of mass proportions. He was introduced, of course, after Hans and Versus Rick Part one to be the temporary opener of the show. And he's grabbed the world by the balls here with a brand new minute. Getting it all started. Make some goddamn noise for Austin, Texas Zone.

[Post Malone]

Casey, rocket. It. Cause I'm wanted wanted dead or alive. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time I did ketamine was recently.

[Casey Rocket]

And whoops.

[Red Band]

And

[Casey Rocket]

ketamine fits my active lifestyle. And by active lifestyle, I mean.

[Post Malone]

Oh, shit.

[Casey Rocket]

This is a true story. Me and my friend were on ketamine and a couple. It's not a relapse if it's ketamine. And we had. That's in the Bible. We had each other by the shoulders and we were rocking in perfect synchronicity.

[Rick Diaz]

This is true.

[Casey Rocket]

We were staring each other in the eyes and we were praying as fast as we could. And I don't know if you've ever prayed on ketamine, but those had to have been some fucking confusing prayers. Just dear Lord, please make me big and small at the same time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sweet Lord,

[Casey Rocket]

Please give me a waterbed full of whole milk. Sweet God, just. I always. He's picture God in heaven watching all the prayers go by, and he's like, what was that last one? He's like, should we OD these guys? Good luck. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Casey Rocket]

I'm Casey Rocket.

[Post Malone]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. The one and the only Casey Rocket.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do. How do you feel right now? Now? Kz.

[Casey Rocket]

I feel beautiful. I feel beautiful. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is an unbelievable look tonight. Did you break into Rod Stewart's closet or something? What is.

[J Frunk]

I. I was thinking Kmart, Jim Morrison.

[Casey Rocket]

God. It doesn't look as good as I

[Post Malone]

thought it was going to look.

[Casey Rocket]

I'll be completely honest with you, but it's f. It looks kind of good. I haven't had this much fun since me and Nikki Sixx burned down that food bank. This is one of the best nights of my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is amazing. What are the differences for a guy like you performing here compared to the usually very tight stage of the mothership?

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you for asking. Tony,

[Post Malone]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, now.

[Post Malone]

Some folks are bone mad to wave the flag.

[Casey Rocket]

All right, you're just having fun tonight. Just being a little bastard. I don't know. It's more room, more people, more room to express myself. I want to thank everybody at Netflix for letting me be here tonight and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, wait, wait. No, it wasn't. They did not book you. They didn't book. It was me that booked you, Casey. It was, wasn't. It wasn't.

[Casey Rocket]

I missed that part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, now I'm mad at Netflix. How dare they take credit for this. Yeah, they have a frozen yogurt machine for us in the back.

[Post Malone]

It's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Casey, what else is going on? You've been to Los Angeles before?

[Casey Rocket]

A couple times. This is my third time in la.

[Rick Diaz]

Thank you.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, this is fun. This is a fun city. I went to the place. Place that's like a train and serves hot dogs Today. That carney train hot dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

Spending time with loved ones, making new friends, and watching Netflix on my tablet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. Stop booing Netflix now. I will. I will turn out. I. I will. You guys, this is the weirdest show ever where people just love pissing off the host. I don't know how it turned into this. Over 11 years. All I do is give and give and give. To you, ungrateful. Casey Rocket. How was your travel? Did you. Did you a have good seat on the airplane? How does a guy like you anything weird? You're normally. Did you do any tus

[Casey Rocket]

yeah. When you. When you do, it's the opposite of getting, like, how they serve you alcohol in first class. If you sit at the very, very pack, they give you a bottle of tus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So this is actually pretty cool.

[Casey Rocket]

It was me, it was Heath in the bear costume, and we shared a bottle of tus. And we body box like the plane ride from hell. Like Brock. Brock Lesnar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's pretty fun. I love it. Casey, I love your energy. I love your style, your swagger, everything. You've done it yet again. We absolutely love you. Way to get the show started. Is there anything else that you want to. Are you taking suggestions from the.

[J Frunk]

Could you sing a door song? Would you sing a door song for us?

[Dr. Phil]

Right.

[Casey Rocket]

Okay. All right,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Play. Play it again.

[Casey Rocket]

Keep it going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The best damn band in the land. On the ones and twos,

[Casey Rocket]

writers on

[Dr. Phil]

the storm

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

into this house we're born into this world we're thrown

[Post Malone]

like Hector Alamone, Al Capone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's on the store.

[Post Malone]

Casey Rocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And like that, the show has begun. One more time for Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, there he goes, the Rocket man himself. And like that, the show has begun. In our first bucket poll, we had to pre poll and wrangle him from section G, row 20, seat 7. And now he's on the stage representing the audience.

[Post Malone]

Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is indeed the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Look at all the furious liberal women in the audience right now. Bunch of chicks with multicolored hair and angry faces out there right now. All right, everybody, your first bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of Sean McAbre. We're gonna meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Sean McCobb.

[Sean McAbre]

All right, so I think there's a direct correlation between girls that own cats and have a stinky vagina. It's because they never clean their box as often as they should, obviously. But I was actually tattooing this stripper's asshole, and she got a pentagram around it, and that shit was wafting at me. And I don't know if you've ever walked by a dumpster and been like, there's definitely something dead inside there. But that's. That was what I smelled. And then to top it off, she queefed in my face. That was pretty rude. But, yeah. So it didn't stop me from dating her for a few months, though. You know, you gotta get in where you fit in, you know? But, yeah, that wasn't the first time or a couple other times I tattooed Assholes. One was a spider crawling out, out, and the other girl got a. Got a rose around. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Sean Macabre. How do you say that?

[J Frunk]

Maab macabre.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Post Malone was right. Yeah.

[David Lucas]

What's up?

[Sean McAbre]

What's up, Tim?

[J Frunk]

What's up, brother?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can't believe Post Malone reads better than I do. If you're just full of surprises, dude,

[Sean McAbre]

thank you for correcting him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible, Post. You look like you've tattooed a few assholes in your day. This seems like you're kind of comedian. Here is all of your. How. How many times have you done stand up?

[Sean McAbre]

This is my first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time ever. There you go. Ever. Who the hell makes their comedy debut at the LA Forum?

[Sean McAbre]

It's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A guy that tattoos women with smelly pussies.

[Sean McAbre]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wonder if she's here. So, Sean, is that all the material that you prepared? Yeah, basically, stand up, something that you've always wanted to do?

[Sean McAbre]

Yeah, it's something I've been. Since I've been watching this show for the last couple years. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you give tattoos? I signed up four other times in Austin.

[Hans Kim]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you give tattoos for a living?

[Sean McAbre]

I do for 18 years. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J Frunk]

And you're doing comedy because Avenged Sevenfold didn't work out?

[Sean McAbre]

It's not the first time I've heard that one. Yeah. Yep. Basically. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If that's not the first time you've heard that, you should change something about yourself.

[Sean McAbre]

True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Sean, I mean, you must have seen a lot in these years of tattooing. What else are you into? What else do you have going on in your life? Like, what other hobbies and things do you have?

[Sean McAbre]

Well, shit, dude. I make comic books. Looks. I. I paint. I do live art at raves. I've. I've been tattooing forever. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How long have you been on fentanyl?

[Sean McAbre]

I mean, never tried it that I know of. I'm sure it's probably getting slipped in there a few times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely, absolutely.

[Dr. Phil]

Do you just tattoo or. You'll do any area of the body?

[Sean McAbre]

I mean, I mean, why you want one, Tim?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want Amy Schumer on my. Let's do it.

[David Lucas]

Can we do it?

[Sean McAbre]

It won't take much work. Yeah,

[J Frunk]

if that. You said you did comic books, too. I'd imagine a whole entire, like, tome out of asshole skin with just beautiful drawing.

[Dr. Phil]

Thank you, sir.

[Post Malone]

Thank you.

[Sean McAbre]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Oh, that's what he needs. More bad tattoos. It's just pictures of assholes with spiders. It's not a comic book.

[Dr. Phil]

At all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it a scratch? Is it a scratch and snip? Does it smell like a Bad.

[J Frunk]

I will be using it tonight, but I haven't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's your finger that smells like a bad. So, Sean, what else. What type of childhood did you have to where you end up going to raves and tattooing people for an entire lifetime?

[Sean McAbre]

I mean, not too bad. I. I lived in France for a year. I mean, not. Not too bad of a childhood.

[David Lucas]

My.

[Sean McAbre]

My parents split up.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, we.

[J Frunk]

We know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What kind of brag is that?

[Sean McAbre]

I lived in France.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I lived in France for a year.

[Sean McAbre]

I mean, you're right, it was shitty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Sean McAbre]

I mean, not too bad. Actually. It's been all right. It's been all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life. You're in the interview part of Kilton. You've been watching the show for years. You may have planned for the minute. Did you plan for this?

[Sean McAbre]

Not entirely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Not entirely. Your. Your soul is over there. It just answered the question. Absolutely incredible. But let's see.

[Sean McAbre]

I been skydiving. You ever done that, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did the parachute unfortunately, work?

[David Lucas]

It.

[Sean McAbre]

Unfortunately, it worked. Unfortunately, it unfolded, but it almost didn't. We had to shimmy it open.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And to answer your question, no, I have never skydived. However, I have strapped a man to my own back before. Okay, Sean, what's your love life like?

[Sean McAbre]

It's pretty crazy, man. I mean, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like it.

[Sean McAbre]

I mean, which. Which night you talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About what's. What's the craziest thing you've ever done sexually?

[Sean McAbre]

I mean, Probably a threesome. Two black chicks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Two black chicks. The old. The old Oreo cookie.

[Sean McAbre]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I call it. Absolutely unbelievable. How did you end up with two black chicks?

[Sean McAbre]

I tattooed one of them. And I tattooed one of them, and then they saw me walking down the street, and I heard them go, let's him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, all right, that's it. One in the ink, two in the stink. Tattoo for one. Basically unbelievable. Is there something that you prefer about black women over white women?

[Sean McAbre]

Their pussy's warmer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. That is absolutely true. Everybody knows. That is a scientific fact. I get all of my science from tattoo artists and Joe Rogan, so I'm basically a genius. Sean, congratulations. Your very first time on a standup comedy stage, live at the LA Forum. And I gotta tell you, in a room this big, the small joke book seems so much smaller. Sean, don't shake people's hands. Don't put People through that. There he goes, Sean, everybody. God damn it. Producers tell people not to shake people's hands afterwards. All right. Wow. Unbelievable.

[J Frunk]

I think the biggest takeaway from that interview is that Tony can't read.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Macabre is a weird word. M A, C a B, r, e, macabre, McCabry. Why would the R and the E be silent anyway, ladies and gentlemen? This can't be real. But I'm going to read it anyway, ladies and gentlemen. Okay, the. Is going on over here. Okay. Hands on your knees. Okay.

[Post Malone]

Okay.

[Dr. Phil]

They.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They spelled the x wrong. They. Okay, thank you. All right, good try. Good try. All right. This can't be real. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for RFK Jr. This can't possibly be my favorite presidential candidate in the world.

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God, it is. Make some fucking noise for rfk jr.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

60 seconds. Seconds uninterrupted, starting now for RFK Jr.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm not a stand up cop, but I wanted to see if I had an aptitude for it. But there's a lot of angry comics back out back in the green room because they said if I come out here and I get a laugh, I'm gonna wreck it for William Montgomery. I don't know who William Montgomery is, but my family, as it turns out out, loves William Montgomery too. They can't explain why they like William Montgomery. They just say, well, he's been around a long, long time and he's not you. And if you go out there and you're funnier than William Montgomery, you're going to be a spoiler and you're going to wreck it for him. And I feel like I'm okay coming out here and talking about William Montgomery. I said to them, I just want to go out there and say hi to people. And they said, that's too much. Anyway, I didn't really come prepared to tell a joke. My brain worm wrote some jokes for me. He's very funny. He's got a lot of information. This is where I get most of my facts. A lot of his stuff is conspiracy theories. You have to filter that out. But he's funny. Oh, there were two leprechauns and they were knee walking drunk. They were so drunk that they could not.

[Post Malone]

That's gotta be drunk, honey. That has to be a minute. That has to be a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's not do. Let's make some noise for Cheryl Hines, everybody.

[Post Malone]

Come on. I'm just saying I think that's a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And maybe we don't do accents right now.

[Post Malone]

And I think it's good to quit while you're ahead.

[RFK Jr.]

I'm not gonna quit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was fucking awesome. How about a hand for RFK Jr. And Cheryl Hines, huh? How cool is this? That Cheryl, Welcome. How's. How's life going post curb right now? Everything.

[Post Malone]

It's. It's very relaxing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just brain worms and presidential candidacies. I wake up to all kinds of things. For those of you that don't know, they found. How do you describe it? For those of you that might not know there was a worm in his brain,

[Post Malone]

we'll say, yes, there was a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

worm in his brain, but it died and it's more common than you think.

[Post Malone]

Wow.

[J Frunk]

Sounds like Dune. Yeah, it sounds like Dune.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, this show has done more for disabled people than the state of California. Rfk jr such an honor to have you here for you to fucking flex. Having a sense of humor in front of the best comedy fans on planet Earth. It is a fucking pleasure to know that we have the possibility of having this man as the next President of the United States. Everybody. We're gonna give him the damn kill. Tony Bump. Isn't that right, people?

[Post Malone]

Ball.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, let's keep it moving. Another. Another bucket pull straight out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise. Make some noise for J Frunk, everybody. J frunk getting 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're gonna meet them all together. J Frunk. Oh, it's bucketful number two. Hootie hoo. Gang O.

[J Frunk]

Gang violence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gang violence.

[J Frunk]

Oh, snap. Okay, that's. Sorry, RFK Jr. I hope you don't follow in your forefather's footsteps there, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, my bad.

[Dr. Phil]

True, true, true, true.

[J Frunk]

So I'm kind of new to la. I met my first Satanist here. Is anybody. Nobody's a Satanist, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hopefully not.

[J Frunk]

Yeah, they had like, tattoos everywhere and piercings and like that. But one thing I noticed is that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they made Jesus into a midget. It's like, what?

[Hans Kim]

Pause.

[J Frunk]

Oh, snap.

[Post Malone]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dang.

[J Frunk]

That's crazy. That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[J Frunk]

That's crazy. Well, I. I did have a contingency, if.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If nothing else. I have nothing else.

[J Frunk]

I have a. I have a list of roast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. All right, I'll take it. I'll take it. J Frun. Boy, oh, boy.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Coming out.

[J Frunk]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Jolly.

[J Frunk]

I saw you in Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. J, J, J, J, J, J, J. Don't ruin the show more than you already have. Just focus on this point. J Fr Coming out and saying both Cam Patterson and David Jolly's catchphrase to start your set. And then a joke about four fathers, which I'm guessing is four more fathers than you have in your life. And then continuous bomb, bomb, bomb. How long have you been doing stand up comedy number one? This is your first time ever? Yes, sir. Well, how many of you think he should retire now while he's ahead? J. Frank, anything interesting about your life that you didn't talk about that you might find anything I didn't talk about? Anything interesting about your life that you didn't talk about in the minute?

[J Frunk]

I'm an engineer. I'm a musician. You know, it's my birthday today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Happy birthday. Okay, you know what? You know what I'm gonna do? Since it's your birthday, I'm gonna give you a little joke, get you out of here.

[J Frunk]

Okay?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he is. J. Frunk, everybody. Making his Kill Tony debut. An unbelievably compelling two minute interview.

[Post Malone]

Well, that was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was what was good? Well, what the. You guys are a little too positive. You got to be mean when they suck. You know what I'm going to do? You know what I'm going to do? Do? I'm going to give a set to literally one of the greatest legends in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you here to do a set. Make some noise. For the 2023 guest of the year, Dr.

[Post Malone]

Los Angeles.

[Dr. Phil]

Make some noise. If you're excited to be alive tonight.

[Post Malone]

I can't hear you.

[Dr. Phil]

Holy, holy. What a night, huh? Look at these titties coming down the second row. Good to see you guys. A little winded. I'm just here to take a and then I'll get out of here. One more time for Aaron Bile. Sorry, rfk, Got some roast jokes. If you guys mind if I do a quick set real quick just to kind of fire up the room. Prepared a couple statements. Casey Rocket is here. Casey Rocket looks like he blows his nose with his hands. Pretty funny because it's true. Casey Rocket looks like if a mothball came to life. I like that one. Casey looks like his whole set. He's trying to escape a crocodile. For some reason, always wanted to know what a clown looked like under the face paint. We got it. Casey looks like the. Casey looks like a. Where are they now? Of Nickelodeon molestations. That's one you can laugh at at dinner and at breakfast. That's what we call a twofer. What else? Camp Patterson. Camp Patterson has the posture of a stepdad. The belly and the shot shoulders. The shoulders back. The belly out. All right. Thought that was funny in my head, so I said it. Cam looks like Pete Iddy's pool boy. That's a good one. That's. Give it up for Diddy. He's somewhere. Cam's a great storyteller. Or as a court calls it, perjury. That's funny. Cam's mom accidentally got pregnant during the movie Friday after next. That's why she calls him Mike. Oops. That's a play on words. The actor Mike Epps. Shout out. William Montgomery's here. Give it up for William Montgomery, huh? What a legend and a gangster. You know, William looks like he puts peanut butter on the dog's dick and then licks it off. That's how. Hey, it's Tuesday somewhere, right? That's what she said. William looks like he should be on a confederate at coin. You know, William looks like he sits down to pee but stands up to poop. But I've done that, so. Hey, no judgment, player. Just recognizing the game. Sub dad, David Lucas is here. David? David. Yep. Oh, we don't know if he's here. All right, well, I saw a food truck out front, so I assumed. Good save, good save. Thanks, Tony. You know, David looks like he should be ozen picking cotton, but I wrote that. I'll just wait for the laughter. David has 100% chance of dying on rocky road. The ice cream or. Or police brutality. Either way, it's going to be kind of one of those. Roll of the dice. Be right back. That's an impression of David's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[J Frunk]

Come on.

[Dr. Phil]

We'll be right back is one of my favorite phrases. It's also an impression of David's feet before diabetes takes them. We'll keep her right here. That's one of my other favorite phrases. You probably heard me say. We'll keep her right here. We'll keep her right here. That's also my impression of David. When a waiter tries to take away his dessert, you know, he just wants to leave it where it is. Player. David's got a forehead like Roger from American dad. I'm sorry. That's probably triggering since you never saw yours. What else we got here? Hans Kim is here. Give it up for Hans Kim. The great Hans Kim.

[Post Malone]

You can do better than that. Let's go.

[Dr. Phil]

Hans Kim can hear you. Hans Kim. You know, Hans looks like the second coolest kid on the math team.

[John Luna]

He.

[Dr. Phil]

Why does Hans look like he bows after he comes? Is that just me? Yeah. Hans is so retarded. He'd have to compete in the special squid games. That was funny in my head. You can use that at a party in front of your family. You know, this battle between Hans and Rick, it's gotten so vicious. I haven't seen this much bad blood in the forum since Magic Johnson's last game, but that's a joke. Yeah, we're doing okay so far. Speed this up. Rick is here. Keep it going for Rick Diaz, huh? Rick's here. Rick. Are you guys booing for Netflix or Rick. Rick is here. You know, Rick is. You know Rick. Rick versus Hans. This looks like a fight in a cancer ward. It's. It's incel versus cancel Rick. Rick. You look like the star of a cartoon called Bob's Asperger's. Rick is from Spain, so can you Spain to me where the. Your chin went? What else we got? We got red band. Keep it going for Brian Redband over here. It's a living legend.

[Post Malone]

Brian Redburn, the house newly engaged.

[Dr. Phil]

He's off the market. Red band is. You know. Red band is red band. You sound like the voice behind the camera on every casting couch porn. Red man is so creepy, he's not even allowed within 50 yards of his inner child. That's funny. We got Tony Hinchcliffe. Let's go kill Tony's own. Tony Hinchcliff is here.

[Post Malone]

The man of the hour, baby. The man who put his whole show together. Tony Hitchcliff. I'm a big fan.

[Dr. Phil]

I'm a big fan. I've been watching you from afar. Even though. Even though you're. You're dressed like an agent for eGamer. You know Tony kill on the Tom Brady roast. Did you see Tony on the Tom Brady roast? Destroyed. He destroyed. He made Brady his. He came out gums a blazing and he just destroyed. No, Tony is. Tony is maybe one of the quickest minds I've ever seen. One more time for Tony Hinchcliffe. This guy, I met him 25 years ago and he hasn't stopped bringing it. He does look like he runs an ice cream parlor on Epstein island, but he's one of the funniest guys that I've ever met. I think that's it.

[David Lucas]

All right.

[Dr. Phil]

That's it out of me. That's all my time. That's all I got for you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Phil. I gotta tell you, you're the guest of the year 2023. How many of you think Dr. Phil should stay on the show? Panel. Come on in, Dr. Phil. We got one more. We got an extra seat and an Extra microphone. You can thank Snoop Dogg for taking a jet to New York last night for some reason. But the only thing better than Snoop. Dr. Phil, ladies and gentlemen, live in the floor. Oh, absolutely not.

[J Frunk]

No, your mic's not out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna. We're gonna get it on.

[Dr. Phil]

Tony White. Snoop is actually my Xbox screen name, so this works out perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Dr. Phil is with us for the rest of the show, ladies and gentlemen. And you know what? I think we should keep this lovely momentum going since both of the bucket pulls tonight were first timers. You guys want to see another Kill Tony legend right now? I present to you a golden ticket winner, everybody. He was mentioned during Dr. Phil's set and he's a fucking legend of the show. Months after making his Kill Tony debut, the people at America's Got Talent found him on Kill Tony and he made it all the way to the finals. I present to you the great and powerful Aaron Belial. Here he comes. Everyone makes some noise. From Toronto, Canada, his first time at the LA Forum, Aaron Belial getting this setup going one more time for Aaron Belial, everybody.

[Aaron Belial]

Before I started performing, I was the only mute person I knew. But now I've got all these fucking mute people coming to my ship shows. Every time they laugh, it sounds like mating season in the Arctic. I've been forced to demand all wheelchair ramps be removed from my shows. I don't need any more walrus fuck sounds from the darkness. If this keeps up, I'm gonna bring in the Alaskan Seal Clubber association for crowd control. These people are crazy, man. One MU chick's mom kept trying to get me to mate with her. She's all, my daughter is just like you. Feel her titty. I have nothing against girls in wheelchairs, but we should at least wait for her to wake up before I touch her boobies. I'm not gonna touch Lumpy or Bumpy. I ain't gonna be the first guy to get me toed. Not today.

[J Frunk]

Boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen, coming out, guns a blazing, attacking handicap people throughout his entire set. What a heel turn this is. What a twist. That's a bigger twist than your wrist.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, you sponsored by Nike with that swoosh. What's going on? Oh, here it comes. He's typing. I'm scared.

[Aaron Belial]

Dr. Phil is the only doctor I don't need to see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

World's weirdest fist bump just went down, everybody. I don't know if you saw it. Dr. Phil with a sideways high five and Aaron Belial with an upside down Hook shot.

[Aaron Belial]

I thought Dr. Phil was Tim Dylan's husband.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, might be by the end of the night. Aaron, how's things going? How are your travels? How's life? You look fantastic from the neck up.

[Aaron Belial]

I've been practicing in practice impressions. Want to see some?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah, dude.

[Aaron Belial]

This is my impression of Joe Biden doing a speech. I tried figuring out how to do a Donald Trump impression, but even I'm not that retarded. I've been practicing my impression of you and I think I've perfected it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no, here we go.

[Red Band]

You son of a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doctor Phil, sit the down.

[Dr. Phil]

Sounded just like you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bunch of you son of a. Why would you say that about me? I do not even sound like that. What else you got, Aaron? What else you got up your phone sleeve?

[Aaron Belial]

Yes, you do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I fucking love it.

[Aaron Belial]

I talk with the phone. I need you to lead me into the next bit. Ask me about sex. I know you're hard thinking about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, absolutely. How's. How's your sex life going, Aaron?

[Aaron Belial]

People keep asking me how I have sex. Well, it used to be really hard with one arm and one short leg. But my life changed in a shopping mall when I saw Crocs with a 3 inch platform lift. Sex is so much better. Doggy style in my Crocs.

[Dr. Phil]

I'll second that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. He does. A lot of people call him Crocor Phil.

[Aaron Belial]

I call it crocky style. Yeah, I call it crocky style.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Call back.

[Aaron Belial]

She's on all fours and I hold her down and claw at her back.

[Dr. Phil]

I don't think I ever want to see you do that again. Okay, I was wrong. That was funny. Second time's a charm.

[Aaron Belial]

I went to a bar, Link, last week and a girl wanted to take me home. Unfortunately, I had to say, sorry, baby, I didn't pack my Crocs. I also have camo ones so they can't see me coming.

[Hans Kim]

Ooh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Are you. You wearing them around la? Have you been. You go to the beach at all? You going to go for go swimming in circles or something like that? You son of a.

[Aaron Belial]

I flew him last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he looks like. Looks like you got one wing down.

[Red Band]

You son of a.

[Aaron Belial]

Tony only has sex with women in wheelchairs because it's easy to push their unconscious bodies out of his apartment.

[Dr. Phil]

Too soon? Too soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, Aaron. Just starting rumors out of nowhere. Thank you, Aaron. I'm gonna be the first guy to get me to now. This is great. I love it. Oh, you like that one huh? Look at you, just having the time of your life over there. Look who's just thriving, everybody. Look at this guy. I love it. What else is going on? Anything else? Yeah, he's killing. He's doing it. Aaron Belial. Toronto, Canada. You're a U.S. citizen now. You didn't mention that. That. Yeah. Can anybody guess which son of a signed his papers for him? You ungrateful, crooked bastard.

[Aaron Belial]

Hey, Tim. It's so great to see you. Thank you so much for signing my visa. It looks like you lost some weight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The visa is not free.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, I think he's gonna suck your dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Dr. Phil's gonna referee the dick sucking, it appears. I don't know. Aaron. Anything else, Aaron?

[Aaron Belial]

I'm gonna be at Skyline in Appleton at the end of the day, May. And then my Ohio run got rescheduled to June, so I'll be in Columbus and Cincinnati and more. I'm still adding dates, and I'll be everywhere. So follow me on socials and check out mutecomedian.com. i have merch. If you get confused about which handicap guy is me, I'm the one who doesn't talk like he's masturbating with the hand in his pocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus, you have more plugs than your Bluetooth. All right, longest interviewer ever. For a guy that can't talk, here he is. What else, Aaron?

[Aaron Belial]

I. If you get confused about which handicap guy is me, I'm the one who doesn't talk like he's masturbating with the hand in his pocket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, just one more insult to other handicap people on his way out. Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen, golden ticket winner, reigning, defending, always on fire. And we keep it moving along to the next bucket pool. Another bucket pool. We got to keep the bucket pool girls flying up here a little bit faster. This is our third bucket pool of the night, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna give another person a shot here. Oh, my goodness. What a life we live. I swear to God, if these girls were in a wheelchair and unconscious, the things I would do to them. All right, from section 114, row 12, seat 5. Make some noise for John Luna, everybody. John Luna. We're gonna meet them all together now. Okay. There he is. John Luna, everybody.

[Post Malone]

What up? Holy. What the.

[John Luna]

Okay. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a big guy.

[John Luna]

I've always been a big guy. When I was four months old, I was 28 pounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's.

[John Luna]

My mom should be in jail.

[Post Malone]

Dude.

[John Luna]

That's horrible. I think she was breastfeeding me. Or chopped that. I feel like that's the only way that could have happened. I'm Mexican, but I grew up around a lot of white people, so, like, I'm Mexican. Like the song Feliz Navidad, you know, like, from afar, it seems very Latino. Then you get close and you're like, this is all in English, actually. Seems like they should have studied more in school. Seems like the only two Spanish words they know are Feliz Navidad. I do want to be more Mexican, though. Like, I want to lean into it. I want to be like a cholo, you know, I want to get a teardrop tattoo, but I'll get the one that's not filled in. If you don't know, that means you tried to kill someone and you failed, which will be fine as long as no one finds out it was myself, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that good. Okay. All right. John Luna, I would venture to say best bucket poll of the night so far. How long you been doing standup, Jon?

[John Luna]

Sorry?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing standup comedy?

[John Luna]

Like, four and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four and a half years?

[John Luna]

Yeah, I was on when I was in the main room in 2019.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Post Malone]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Well, welcome back, John.

[John Luna]

Too excited?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Did you. Do you always fake fall on your way up to the stage?

[John Luna]

No, I thought it'd be fun.

[Rick Diaz]

Here.

[John Luna]

I've done it before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[John Luna]

One time I broke a window.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. When you lift your arm up like that, your stomach ass hangs out. That's a butthole.

[Post Malone]

Oh.

[Dr. Phil]

And you're okay?

[John Luna]

Yeah. I didn't know I was going to bleed. I'm sorry.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, you're bleeding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm going to take you shopping after the show.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I would love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For real?

[David Lucas]

Absolutely.

[Red Band]

For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want a straw in your elbow like I want to snort cocaine off your elbow.

[Casey Rocket]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. Noticing something that only you can notice from his seat, but you do have unbelievably flaky elbows. What is that?

[John Luna]

This is. It's psoriasis skin design.

[Dr. Phil]

Who's got psoriasis?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's got severe plaque? Psoriasis. Where?

[Dr. Phil]

My psoriasis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that.

[John Luna]

Give it up for Skyrizi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. When you move Fast, it's like LeBron before he starts a basketball game. Baby powder. Just get a long sleeve shirt.

[John Luna]

Okay.

[Wendy Cressley]

Okay.

[John Luna]

It's a warm day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay. It's so if it's a certain temperature, you just go around grossing out everybody. Okay. You need longer sleeves and a longer shirt and you need to tuck it in and you Need. There's so much you need, it's unbelievable. We should almost give you, like, a. I wish we had. We should have had a, like, makeover thing ready for this show. This is absolutely incredible. What's your love life like looking like. Like that? Okay,

[Dr. Phil]

open up, open up. Take your time.

[John Luna]

I know. It's all right. I don't know. It's kind of hard to bring girls back because, like, I live with my mom, so it's kind of.

[J Frunk]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

And you got bloody fucking elbows all the time, you know?

[RFK Jr.]

Yeah.

[John Luna]

My mom's, like, a single mom, and I'm like, an only child on her side, so her house looks like a sports memorabilia store dedicated to, like, me and Jesus Christ. You know, that's kind of the vibe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John, let me ask you this. How old are you?

[John Luna]

27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

27. What do you do for work?

[John Luna]

I don't. I don't have a job right now. I got fired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you get fired from?

[John Luna]

I was.

[Dr. Phil]

Dave and Busters.

[John Luna]

I was. I was doing. I was doing, like, podcasts, producing and editing for a. For a. A streaming service I wouldn't like to name at this moment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Okay. Why did you get fired?

[John Luna]

I was like. So I was on a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there blood dripping out of your elbow? Is it dripping on the floor?

[John Luna]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you got to go. Goodbye, John. There he goes, everybody. There goes John Luna, everyone. No, no, it's over. You're not dripping blood on the floor. That's fucking absolutely disgusting.

[Dr. Phil]

You did great, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The. The lesson is don't fake fall anymore, everyone. There he goes. John Luna. Here's a little joke book. Sorry to make an awkward ending, but that's fucking disgusting.

[Dr. Phil]

Tony, that was the little boy on the back of the milk carton who was missing.

[J Frunk]

Growing all up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So much fun we're having here. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Wait. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, make some goddamn noise for my big brother, Ari Shafir, here at the Kia Forum. This crowd is on their feet. Ari Shafir, L.A. legend, New York legend, Comedy Store legend. Kill Tony Legend. How lucky are we that there is

[Dr. Phil]

no basketball game going on right now in May? What a fucking ordeal we have here. This is very Southern California. We got a TV doctor, an Inglewood

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

crackhead, and a fat.

[Dr. Phil]

Doctor Phil. They told me you needed your phone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God.

[Dr. Phil]

You can have it. It's so warm. Oh, and my mom called.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I felt that.

[Dr. Phil]

I did feel her call. This is a long way from the belly room, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Ari.

[Dr. Phil]

I just have One thing to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say

[Dr. Phil]

he has risen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. He's helicoptering his dick. It's the saddest helicopter involving Kobe Bryant I've ever heard. You definitely can't see that on Netflix. For those of you watching the blurred version on YouTube four weeks later, congrats on saving $35.

[J Frunk]

It's actually a good technique because no one would want to block you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you had no problem getting through security.

[J Frunk]

I'm just talking about hitting the glass, man. Just punching the hole, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Getting in there one more time for the great Ari Shaffir, ladies and gentlemen, Doctor Phil wiping down his phone. How Ari was able to keep that in his little ass is unbelievable.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, it's like a guy with his

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

son in the front row just watching.

[Post Malone]

Loving it. They love it.

[Sean McAbre]

It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to Los Angeles, ladies and gentlemen. This crowd went wild. Proof that Kil Tony fans have the most diabolical sense of humors on planet Earth. Got to see his matzo balls and the sour crowd. You know, we got momentum right now. We're cooking with fire. So I'd like to bring up one of the most prolific regulars in the show. Show's history, ladies and gentlemen. You know them, you love them. The icon makes some noise for Cam Patterson.

[Post Malone]

What's up?

[J Frunk]

I got some. I got some big news, dog. I'm having a kid.

[Post Malone]

What y' all tear for? We finna kill that nigga, dog. That baby bitch, he dying. We murdering that nigga, man.

[J Frunk]

Okay, wait, wait. I shouldn't say murder. Murder is a bad word.

[Post Malone]

We finna obliterate that nigga, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Throw.

[Post Malone]

Fuck that baby, man.

[J Frunk]

I'mma tell you something. I'mma tell you some real shit. All my homeboy been telling me, like, cam, you can't kill a baby. You live in Texas. But I'm a criminal, so it don't matter. I've been a criminal for a long time now. Fuck that baby. The worst thing I think about, though, is that she waiting too long to have the abortion. So the baby is kind of like sitting in her stomach and they coming like one. And I feel like the baby talking to her like, hey, please. Please, mom, don't kill me. I might be like a lawyer or doctor or something. And when she goes to sleep, I whisper in her ear, like, don't listen to that nigga. He's a liar just like his father. And I can tell you something, Tony. I'm never gonna have this problem again because I found this new invention they call condoms.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson, a minute, 32 minutes and 10 second long set. If you count the opposite applause break at the top of the set. These people love you, Cam Patterson.

[J Frunk]

I love y', all, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a shame none of them will ever get to meet your baby.

[J Frunk]

Yeah, that he did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So is it. Is this true? You got a girl pregnant and you had the abortion?

[J Frunk]

Yeah, it's over now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's over. What was that?

[J Frunk]

But that was crazy.

[Post Malone]

Don't do that. That's up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that process like for you?

[J Frunk]

It was. It was a grueling. It was long. I didn't really do. I just. I just talked to her. She wanted to kill it, too.

[Dr. Phil]

So it was cool.

[J Frunk]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Did you pay for it or did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you.

[J Frunk]

I paid for it.

[Dr. Phil]

Did you use a coupon or how. Just cash.

[J Frunk]

I wish I could have got one, I'll tell you that much.

[Dr. Phil]

I'll tell you that much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right here.

[Dr. Phil]

Come on now. Yeah, we'll keep her out here

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

now. How. Where did you get the abortion at?

[J Frunk]

I went back home, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went back home to Florida?

[J Frunk]

See the family and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the baby obviously conceived in Texas, huh? You got her pregnant in Texas legally?

[J Frunk]

No, legally, I had. I got her pregnant in Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you got her pregnant in Florida? Florida. Flew her to Texas and then flew back to Florida?

[J Frunk]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[J Frunk]

Touchdown, brother. That is correct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. This is incredible. Do you know how long the baby was in the womb for?

[J Frunk]

I don't want to know. I don't ask no questions like that. A lot of people look upset at me right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Goodness. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Do you know if it was a boy or a girl?

[J Frunk]

I don't. I don't make girls. I'm like China.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, you're like China?

[J Frunk]

China don't have girls, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they. They have.

[J Frunk]

They don't f. Right. Am I wrong?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they got girls, Cam. That's how they. I mean.

[J Frunk]

No, I mean, like, they don't want to. Right?

[Post Malone]

You.

[J Frunk]

You random white man in a the front row. Kill yourself. Who was that old that was up here earlier? The old white man. That ain't talk real well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rfk. Rfk. That's the great RFK Junior. He's like our MLK Junior.

[J Frunk]

No, he's not. No, the heck not.

[Post Malone]

Redb.

[William Montgomery]

What the.

[Post Malone]

Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. This show is out of control.

[Dr. Phil]

We'll be right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, Dr. Phil, you know we're here talking about abortion. What are your. What are your thoughts, Dr. Phil?

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I support a black man's right to choose. But, you know, those questions were getting pretty sad, Tony. You're like, what was your, you know, fetus's favorite color? And I don't know. It's getting real depressing. But, you know, I don't know. You'll find the right time to be a dad. Did you have a name picked out? How about that?

[J Frunk]

Oh, hell no. Dead baby.

[Dr. Phil]

Dead baby.

[Post Malone]

Okay, so he was doing that man

[Dr. Phil]

these so he could be a rapper. All right, I like that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a toilet. I got my hands on the soundboard, everybody. Oh, too much fun.

[Dr. Phil]

Can I ask a question?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. Phil]

Is there a lot of a. Did you look up positions that are best to, like, you know, like, if you did want, like, people say, like, you know, on top, get you maybe a boy, but reverse cowgirl, get you something else. Like, did you look up positions? I don't know what I'm trying to ask right now, Cam, but what the

[J Frunk]

are we talking about now?

[Dr. Phil]

What's your favorite position? To. To.

[J Frunk]

I like. I like to a front and back and tell her to touch her toes.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, my hands and my knees, they touch their toes.

[J Frunk]

Yeah. So you know what I'm saying? You get, you know, talking about post, right?

[Post Malone]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[J Frunk]

Come on, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Feel you Post. Post has had so many abortions, they have a banner for him at the Forum hanging from the top. Just. There it is. We lowered the banner. You can't see, but we lowered a banner for you. Unbelievable. Cam, what else is going on? You're in Los Angeles. You're thriving. Sold out shows everywhere you go.

[J Frunk]

Hell, yeah. I mean, just trying to. Trying to keep working, you know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Staying.

[J Frunk]

You know what I'm saying? Just keep going. You feel me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[J Frunk]

Nothing too much, what you said, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, someone's gonna be touching their toes later.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah. What did they say? What'd you say, bitch?

[J Frunk]

Yeah, what did you say? Speak up, bitch.

[Dr. Phil]

Speak up.

[J Frunk]

Me got a question.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, me too,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam. Anything else? Anything else crazy going on that, man, I love it. Hell, yeah. Well, you came out, you smashed again. Everybody loves you. Congratulations. So much fun. Another powerful set by the great Cam Patterson. Back to the bucket we go. Our fourth bucket pull of the night. It's been a wild night for the Bucket. Two first timers and one guy bleeding profusely out of his elbows. Make some noise for Valerie Bond, ladies and gentlemen. And your next bucket pole, representing section eight, F, row 17, seat one, it is Andrew Avia, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Andrew of the. Make some noise, everyone. These people wait all day for this.

[J Frunk]

How's everyone doing tonight? Hey, so it's a good thing I'm not sitting around a bunch of black people, because it's probably going to offend some people, all right?

[Post Malone]

Right.

[J Frunk]

So I don't think George Floyd died from that knee on his neck. Right? And let me tell you why. Derek Chauvin was all about what, 135? 5 9? Anyone ever had a fucking torta sit on their face? Yeah, I'm talking about pretty Mexican chicks weighing from 180 to 250 just straight fucking crushing your fucking face, homie. That's fucking right. Hey, I'm just saying, Princess needs to lay off the hot Cheetos. Have me looking like Jabba the Huff strangling for air. Hey, it doesn't matter. She's on her period, has some old nut in her. I'll be licking that, too. Making a Neapolitan shade. Dude, let's go, dude. That's right. Hey, am I in agrees or. Come on now.

[David Lucas]

Where the tor.

[J Frunk]

Where the tortaz?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, guys, stay tuned. You Holy. This bucket is up tonight. Andrew. Aia. I didn't know they made Mexican Eric Cartman's.

[Post Malone]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good Lord almighty. How long you been doing standup? Since December, talking to the microphone.

[J Frunk]

Since December. Sorry about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since December. Okay. And you perform a lot?

[J Frunk]

I try to do at least once. Twice a month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Once or twice a month?

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. Your work ethic. Work ethic sucks. Do you wait for a police shooting and then write a joke?

[Red Band]

What was that?

[Dr. Phil]

Did you start after George Floyd died?

[Post Malone]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

That's what inspired you?

[J Frunk]

Pretty much. Yeah.

[Post Malone]

Okay.

[J Frunk]

Pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Jesus, Andrew. What do you do for work?

[J Frunk]

I lay pipe, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J Frunk]

I'm a utility worker. I'm a utility. Utility worker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J Frunk]

Yeah, I'm a utility worker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He does have post. Malone is a good point, Andrew. Avia has good eye contact. He looks right down the barrel like he's bragging about being a brain surgeon or something like that. I am a utility worker.

[Dr. Phil]

Sound familiar now? I like your shirt. It says is father of the year. And then there's Darth Vader. Are you a Star wars guy and a father?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Both?

[J Frunk]

Yes.

[Dr. Phil]

Which one is your favorite? Which?

[J Frunk]

Being a father.

[Dr. Phil]

Being a father. Being a father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

And what about which Star wars movie is your favorite?

[J Frunk]

Anyone but the new Disney ones?

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah. Okay.

[Sean McAbre]

All right.

[Dr. Phil]

You have a character you identify with.

[J Frunk]

Probably jaw with a hood. Like I said, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[J Frunk]

Why is That I like sexy white

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

women, you know what I mean? So.

[Dr. Phil]

No, I don't know what you mean, but. Okay. Well, I like your shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[J Frunk]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I don't know. I don't know if you're really a java guy. Jabba the Hutt was kind of funny.

[J Frunk]

He.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jar Jar stinks.

[Post Malone]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band, red band. Okay, Red, Red band is really riding the wave of that joke that we're encouraging. Ching him. Okay. What's the most interesting thing about you before we let you go, Andrew?

[J Frunk]

I love eating ass and sucking toes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, all right. Do you get to eat a lot of ass? You have like a wife, a baby mama. What's the story? Whose ass are you eating? You ate ass with your minute tonight. Hey, hey, hey. Tell us, Andrew, whose ass are you eating?

[J Frunk]

Any hoes on Tinder? A bumble?

[Dr. Phil]

All right, I got a. I got a phone that was inside Ari Shafir's ass if you want to clean it up. All right, let me know. Send me an email.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Andrew. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Tiny joke book for you. That's for you, Andrew. Aia, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very unbelievable. Interesting interviews on these bucket pools so far tonight. Oh, yeah. You know, I think we should rebuild momentum. We have another golden ticket, golden ticket winner here, everybody. Another man from Toronto, Canada that we have not seen in a long time. Long time. He's very, very excited to be here. You know him, you love him. This is the long awaited return of Jared Nathan.

[Post Malone]

What's up? I took a sign language course and instructor told me that I needed an instructor. Cause he couldn't read my lips. When I whispered, I do not stutter. It's like I'm doing asmr. And I make you red band horny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly a minute, right on the date shot. Jared Nathan, how do you feel?

[Post Malone]

I feel amazing, Tony. Amazing. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing.

[Post Malone]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes, I'm here. I'm back. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You also don't stutter when you yell. It's incredible. If you whisper or yell, you speak perfectly fine. But if you talk in a normal tone, it's buh, buh, buh, buh, bad

[Post Malone]

to the fucking bone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, this is absolutely incredible. It's been a long time since we've seen you, Jared. Tell us what you've been up to.

[Post Malone]

I've been chilling. I've been living. I discovered something, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Post Malone]

I have something called.

[J Frunk]

Hold on a second.

[Post Malone]

Disability privilege.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Post Malone]

Especially at the airport.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what happens at the airport?

[Post Malone]

I go through security fast enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pilot wow.

[Post Malone]

And he hand me a free bottle water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A free bottle of water?

[Post Malone]

Yes. Unlike you, Able Body returns, they have to pay eight bucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dr. Phil, what do you you think about this superstar?

[Dr. Phil]

Well, he's right. Water is overpriced.

[Post Malone]

I. I think maybe I could. Peter. Whoa. What? Behind 911. Sorry, too soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did. Did the people on the live stream get captions? Who does that?

[Dr. Phil]

911 jokes don't hit as hard with the delay, Jared, but man, you're funny, player.

[Aaron Belial]

We.

[Post Malone]

We won't be right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where.

[Dr. Phil]

Where do I get one of those disability privilege T shirts? You selling them at, like, everybody Go

[Post Malone]

to my website chair. Nathan Comedy.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, baby Dot com.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah.

[Post Malone]

It should be up right now. If it's not, it'll be up very, very soon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Jared, you're famous from Kill Tony. Do you get recognized a lot? Does it help? No, all the time.

[J Frunk]

All right.

[Post Malone]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, good.

[Post Malone]

I got recognized.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been getting lucky with the ladies at all?

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Do you get it? Did you get any?

[Post Malone]

Yes.

[Dr. Phil]

Cool. I said, you get any? I'll do it again. I said. I said, you get any puppies? P. P.

[Post Malone]

And blow jumps. Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Just a little Canadian. Oh. Oh, my goodness. This has to be one of the greatest moments of your life other than the time you met John Cena. Whoa.

[Post Malone]

I just also want to tell people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Post Malone]

I want to tell people something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to tell people something?

[Post Malone]

Yes. Okay, can you please stop coming up to me and asking me if I like grilled cheese? I am not related to Shane Gillis. I'm kidding. Nathan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People think you're Shane Gillis.

[Post Malone]

People ask me if I'm Shane Gillis uncle all the time. All the time.

[RFK Jr.]

I get that

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

post multiple alone. This is your first time seeing the great Jared. Nathan, what are. What are your thoughts over here?

[J Frunk]

You rock, dude. Absolutely.

[Post Malone]

I'm. I am taking the chalky chat right now.

[Sean McAbre]

Okay.

[Red Band]

I don't know.

[J Frunk]

And if you had a little bit about red earlier, I think that could still work out. I think that's a beautiful couple. I think that's something that could actually happen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you ever. Red band Cherd. What if I tuck my dick in between my legs and just let you lick the pubes, huh? Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. Red band.

[Dr. Phil]

As a joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band will be accepting his Mark Twain comedy award next year in D.C.

[Post Malone]

i want to open my head to think,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jared. Anything else before we keep it moving here?

[Post Malone]

I want to cameo also. Oh, check me out a cameo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Post Malone]

I will call you a Body wants. Everybody loves me calling them retards and cameos. I don't know why.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, you mind if you. You mind making a couple quick one for my wife Robin? Just call her that real quick.

[Post Malone]

Robin, I want to see you later the out of you.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay. That's not what I meant. That's not what I meant. Yeah, I mean, I'm still. I mean, I'm still going to send that to her. But you. I wish you could hear Jared. He goes, I don't.

[Post Malone]

No. Let's go.

[Dr. Phil]

Let's go.

[J Frunk]

Also, you're way handsomer than Shane Gillis. Tell him I said that.

[Post Malone]

I didn't hear this word you said. You say it again.

[J Frunk]

You're handsomer than Shane Gillis.

[Dr. Phil]

My hands. You're more handsome than Shane Gillispie.

[Post Malone]

Said thank you with the compliment.

[J Frunk]

And tell him I said that specifically.

[Post Malone]

Thank you, Post.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I loved you on that cooking show with. With Theo Vaughn recently. That was.

[Post Malone]

That's not original, Red Ben. I heard that many times. Everybody thinks. Also with my funky ot they have a cookie show, too.

[Dr. Phil]

Let me try to break that down. I think he said his teeth have a cooking show too. Is that what you said?

[Post Malone]

Everybody thinks.

[Dr. Phil]

Everybody thinks.

[Post Malone]

Everybody thinks that I have a goatee.

[Dr. Phil]

That you have a goatee.

[Post Malone]

That I have a cookie show.

[Dr. Phil]

That you have a cookie show.

[Post Malone]

On YouTube.

[Dr. Phil]

On YouTube. Do you have a cookie shoe? What the.

[J Frunk]

Wait.

[Dr. Phil]

I don't even know what he just said. Something about a cookie show.

[Post Malone]

Everybody has a cookie. Everybody was. A lot of people with down syndrome have cooking shows. I have goatee.

[J Frunk]

Oh, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotcha.

[Post Malone]

I gotta simplify it for the able body return.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Absolutely. Well, Jared, you killed in front of the sold out LA Forum tonight.

[Post Malone]

Thank you, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got another bucket pool. You guys still having fun out there? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. We gotta do another deal.

[J Frunk]

They go quick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Your next bucket bowl makes some noise for Sophie Forcioli. Ladies and gentlemen, our first female bucket bowl of the night. How exciting. Sophie Forzioli. This is not Sophie. One more time. Time for Sophie Forcioli, everybody. Come on.

[Sophie Forcioli]

My husband's a nurse. Married a merce. I'm also a nurse and I married him because I believe in equality in relationships. Okay. That and I couldn't pull a doctor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Sophie Forcioli]

Just looks wise. I know what category of women I fall into. Nurse is where we landed the plane. Okay. It's good. Happy to be off the streets, though. Married. When I was single, I made out with this guy and he was like, hey, I don't have a condom, but I got a grocery bag. I was like, are you trying to fuck me with a grocery bag right now, dude? What store? Think of myself as more of a whole Whole Foods woman. He was like, it's Food for Less. I was like, get the fuck out of here. Have I no self respect, huh? Gotta make a poor decision, then end up at the doctor and then be like, yo, I don't know, you got some crazy bacteria in there? And be like, yes. Yvonne's produce section bitch. I don't know. Bad decisions. All right, guys, I'm Sophie.

[Post Malone]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sophie Forcioli, ladies and gentlemen. Are you sure the grocery bag wasn't to put over your face?

[Post Malone]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. This is Kill Tony. Sophie, welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand up?

[Sophie Forcioli]

Three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Where at? All in la. All in la.

[Sophie Forcioli]

But I'm from the Midwest, so I try to do Chicago and Milwaukee a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of the Midwest are you from?

[Sophie Forcioli]

From Rockford. Rockford, Illinois.

[J Frunk]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rockford, Illinois.

[Sophie Forcioli]

They hate Rockford.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know these people boo anything that is in Bakersfield. Obviously. It's a real trash audience we have here. There's more Dodgers hats here than at an actual Dodgers game. This is incredibly sad. Confused Mexicans like, God damn it. I did wear a Dodgers hat, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I like. I'm a good. I'm a big grocery store joke guy, you know? You met your husband where he's a nurse.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I met him at work.

[Wendy Cressley]

I'm.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I'm a nurse too.

[Dr. Phil]

Did he have a fun, like, medical pickup line? You know, that's always fun.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I actually pursued him. I changed it up for women. You know, I kind of went after him.

[Dr. Phil]

So just say, like, you make my heart skip a beat or.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I took him to a Lakers game. I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You took him to a Lakers game?

[Sean McAbre]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

Wow.

[Sophie Forcioli]

All right, nosebleeds.

[Dr. Phil]

Did you see Ari shafir there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Dr. Phil. I'm pretty sure your phone went to Whole Foods earlier.

[Dr. Phil]

I'll still use it. It. Well, that's exciting. And you guys been together how long?

[Sophie Forcioli]

Seven years now.

[Dr. Phil]

And what's. What's your best quality that he really got attracted to? Because that's always a difficult thing when you meet at work. You got to hang outside of the work to really see what each other's interests are. What. What you smell like, what you feel like. Right.

[Sophie Forcioli]

What's my best Quality or his?

[Dr. Phil]

What's your best quality that he.

[Sophie Forcioli]

Yeah, I just try to have a good time wherever I go.

[Dr. Phil]

Okay.

[Sophie Forcioli]

Just try to bring the. The good energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So let's talk about it. Sophie. Very good. So, Sophie, you went to a Lakers game and then what happened? Did you guys hook up on night one?

[Sophie Forcioli]

No, it was a Lakers game. And then a week later it was lacma. And then it went down after like two weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

After two weeks. And when it went down, was that at your place or his place?

[Sophie Forcioli]

It was at my place. It was my place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you make the first move?

[Sophie Forcioli]

I did, I did. It was me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I think we gotta switch it up on the men, you know, I think women gotta get after it too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Look at all these sluts out here today. Absolutely incredible. You gotta love it. Gotta love the kill. Tony fan base. Absolutely incredible. Sophie, what's the most crazy thing about your life that we'd find interesting about you?

[Sophie Forcioli]

I recently found out I was related to Napoleon. Like Bonaparte.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can see it.

[Post Malone]

The height. The height.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I know Napoleon.

[Dr. Phil]

That's weird because you look like one of the kids from Stranger Things.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I heard he's all, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He looked like it too, for sure.

[Dr. Phil]

What, What. What do you and Napoleon have in common?

[Sophie Forcioli]

I guess he. He won like 80% of his battles. I feel like that's what I'm averaging in my marriage, you know, like arguments wise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, this crowd loves booing.

[Sophie Forcioli]

They just love. They're loving than me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

These guys turn on a nice, nice person very quickly. I love it. Sophie, very interesting. Craziest thing in your refrigerator right now.

[Dr. Phil]

Good question, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Dr. Phil.

[Sophie Forcioli]

Sorry, I.

[Wendy Cressley]

You said what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Craziest thing in your refrigerator right now.

[Dr. Phil]

And you can say, dildo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't help her, Dr. Phil.

[J Frunk]

Don't say air bag full of cum.

[Sophie Forcioli]

No, no, I. I feel like rotten eggs is probably the worst thing in my fridge right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say rotten eggs.

[Sophie Forcioli]

Rotten eggs. They're expired eggs I gotta throw out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. This audience hates rotten eggs, ladies and gentlemen. Hate eggs.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I don't know. I got nothing crazy in my fridge but eggs. I can't win.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Sophie, do you have any special moves in the bedroom?

[Sophie Forcioli]

I keep trying to play with my husband's, but he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, look at that.

[Post Malone]

He won't let me do it.

[Sophie Forcioli]

I hear this is all the craze.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly do you want to do to your husband's? Tell us when he left me or. Or what? What do you want to do to your husband's?

[Sophie Forcioli]

I don't know. I just I just, you know, maybe caress around the area, get a finger in.

[Post Malone]

I don't know. Oh, my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's Red Band's one fart sound effect of the show. Everybody, just do it. Just do it. Don't let him have a. Just go in there.

[Sophie Forcioli]

Go for it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah. Hesitation meets preparation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

You got to just. There's no real game plan. You just got to, you know, distract him. Be like, hey, there's the, you know, there's the lead from, you know, Grey's Anatomy. And he'll go, huh? And then just put your fist right up inside.

[Sophie Forcioli]

Tonight. I'll do it tonight.

[Dr. Phil]

Sure.

[Sophie Forcioli]

After this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From Grey's Anatomy to Brown's Anatomy. Go for it, Sophie. For. What do you guys think? Big joke book or little joke book? Big.

[Dr. Phil]

Big one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little big Sophie for Theoli. There you go. There she goes, everybody. Sophie Forcioli. All right, we're gonna keep it moving. Your next comedian, if you guys. How many of you watch every single week? Well, then you will know that your next comedian won this spot that he gets right now on a random Austin episode because he is originally from Los Angeles, California. Make some noise for J. JP Hinsdale, everyone. JP Hinsdale, everybody. Los Angeles own. Wait.

[Red Band]

Whoa. It is amazing to be home. Fuck, yeah. I remember when I grew up, I was always afraid of things. As a kid, I noticed that as I got older, my fears have changed. Like, my new fear is microplastics. You know about this? Apparently there's, like microscopic plastic in everything that we eat and drink. Like, we all consume about a credit card's worth of plastic a week. I consume about three because I have bad credit. But there is so much plastic inside of us, it's actually mutating our DNA. This is true. There's babies being born today with smaller testicles. Yeah. You want to hear something more fucked up? There's just guys going around measuring baby testicles and nobody's doing anything about it. I guess it's cool that the Catholic Church believes in science, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An absolutely perfect set. Absolutely fantastic. JP Hinsdale making a little homecoming. How does it feel to have a set like that at the LA Forum?

[Red Band]

I feel like I'm having an out of body experiment experience, so I might have had that heart attack we talked about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's a lot coming out of your body right. Right now.

[Red Band]

Yeah, it's amazing what's staying in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like a jelly roll action figure.

[Red Band]

Yeah. An inaction figure, more like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But absolutely. I like your style. Jp. Did you invite Any family members or anyone?

[Red Band]

I invited my friend Radu. Me and my family are not exactly, like, tight.

[Post Malone]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. Wait, did you just say you invited your friend Ragu?

[Post Malone]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it. Is it a jar of pasta sauce?

[Red Band]

Sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Cam had a friend that was prego for a second. I love it. So, jp, remind us all. What do you do for work?

[Aaron Belial]

This.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing standup comedy

[Red Band]

for about four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How's it going?

[Red Band]

Honestly, amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Like, again, even my life from six months from now. This seems very unreal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. I love it. Tell us how your life has changed.

[Red Band]

Well, I booked all these shows. I got to be on Moon Tower. That was amazing. I got to meet basically everybody I've ever looked up to.

[Post Malone]

Life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Did they book you because they thought you were the moon?

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Red Band]

Yeah, they were disappointed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jp, I absolutely love it. What the hell else is going on? Are you doing anything special while you're in la?

[Red Band]

Yeah, I'm staying in Ventura because that was the last place I live.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I knew this crowd was gonna pop for Ventura. Hey, yeah, that's us. We love Ventura.

[Red Band]

I also went. I also went back to the source. You know, went. I went to the Bob's Big Boy I was conceived in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Dr. Phil]

Is that a true story?

[Red Band]

Yeah, I bought a hat and everything. I needed some luck, you know?

[Dr. Phil]

Where did your parents do it?

[Red Band]

Unfortunately, the booth that they did it in was occupied by a family.

[Post Malone]

Oh, God.

[Red Band]

So me and Radu just ate lunch and kind of stared at them weird, and they didn't really understand why or

[J Frunk]

it's just a really weird orgy.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You and Ragu just stared at them?

[Red Band]

Well, because I was telling them, like, I was explaining why that that booth was important, and I was like, man, I kind of wanted to, like, see which stains were my almost brothers and sisters, you know?

[Dr. Phil]

Sure.

[Red Band]

Little family reunion.

[Hans Kim]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a beautiful story.

[Red Band]

Thank you.

[Dr. Phil]

It's very nice.

[Red Band]

You know, I have family there, you know, so. Yeah, it's like Olive Garden, but it's my own Olive Garden.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So your father came inside of your mother's vagina at a booth in a Bob's Big Boy?

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they ever explain to you what position. Positions they were in or how this was accomplished?

[Red Band]

No, I just remember, like, my mom took me there drunk once, and she's like, we made you in that booth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Post Malone]

Wow.

[Dr. Phil]

Do you drink with your family?

[Red Band]

Not anymore. I'm sober.

[Dr. Phil]

What happened? What'd you do, jp? Who'd you hurt? Or did you hurt yourself?

[Red Band]

Mostly myself.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, you fall or emotionally.

[Red Band]

Doctor was like, man, you need to quit drinking. Yeah, my liver is pretty messed up.

[Dr. Phil]

What was the. The worst thing you did while you were drinking? Hit me with some sad music. Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Red Band]

Saddest.

[Casey Rocket]

Perfect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Super sad. I mean music. Red band.

[Red Band]

I was pretty drunk the night I OD, so.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, do you remember ODing?

[Red Band]

I remember the. The beginning.

[Dr. Phil]

What did you OD on?

[Red Band]

I thought it was coke. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what that sound means?

[Red Band]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're relapsing tonight. Congratulations.

[Red Band]

Should I go towards the light?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From our good friends over at Porosos and our friends from Ventura wearing Dodgers hats. This guy right here with the backwards hat is going to get a bag of cocaine for you right now. Here he is.

[Red Band]

Well, it's not going to get any better for me, so let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That's right. Okay, jp. A very fun set. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Tom Segura if he let himself go all way the. The way.

[Red Band]

Yes, that. That man sitting to your left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. You want to hit that button. Shoot. Shoot a basketball shot Red man wants you to do, cuz he's a. There you go. There you go. Pointless for the bit that. That's the sound of Tom Sagara breaking his arm. Everybody, one more time. It's Tom Sagara break breaking his arm. Nothing gay. All right, J.P. congratulations. You fulfilled the prophecy. You went back to the Bob's big boy doc. You got Dr. Phil. You got something for JP.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, I was. It was great to see you. You came hard in the paint.

[Rick Diaz]

You.

[Dr. Phil]

You delivered, you were prepared. And. And you're dressed like a bouncer at a glory hole, and I respect that.

[Red Band]

Well, you just for the job you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J.P. hinsdale, everybody. We're going back to the bucket. We go. There goes JP, everybody. Thank you, JP. Back to the bucket. Your next bucket pull. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Wendy Cressley, everybody. Wendy Cressley, representing section 233. Three, row seven, C10. Oh, my God. Valerie Vaughn. Absolutely unbelievable. What a show. You guys having fun out there? Wendy Chrisley. 60 seconds, starting now. Oh, my God, y'.

[Wendy Cressley]

All. There's some beautiful people out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Y' all are great.

[Wendy Cressley]

I haven't always been in rooms full of beautiful people. As a matter of fact, I got back not too long ago from federally funded vacation, AKA federal prison Club Fed.

[Dr. Phil]

And

[Wendy Cressley]

it's one of those things. I did 30 months, so I did 24 months in and then six months on house arrest, which I've never been so grateful to be such white trash in my life. Because when you live in an RV or a trailer park, house arrest is a totally different thing. When your house has one wheels, it's not exactly the same sort of punishment, is it? So I always wished for a lot of things when I was a kid, but be careful what you wish for, because I prayed and prayed when I was a little girl for bunk beds. And it took until I was 37, but I got bunk beds. I was in a federal prison full of women. The biggest federal prison in the country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guys, shut the up. Wendy Cressley. So, yes, the set, very rough, but windy. You gave it a shot. We all want to know, without a doubt, what did you go to federal prison for? A lot of talk about prison, everyone.

[Wendy Cressley]

I wish I had more street cred, but it introduced two people that did a drug deal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. It's not a crime.

[Wendy Cressley]

It is, it's conspiracy, law, loss. It's. It's the wonderful feds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on a second. Explain to us exactly what happened here, because this sounds like a tremendous amount of.

[Wendy Cressley]

I, I swear to God, I, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

sure, but explain the deal. Who the. How?

[Wendy Cressley]

A friend of mine introduced me to somebody and they asked me to if I could get them drugs. I said, I don't know. I don't have anybody to get drugs from. I said, but I know a guy. And I introduced them for that purpose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the deal? What kind of drug were they looking for?

[Wendy Cressley]

Crystal meth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crystal meth? Yes. And you've never done crystal meth?

[Post Malone]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You've never done crystal.

[Wendy Cressley]

I've done a lot of cocaine, but not crystal meth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. People are booing. Not doing crystal meth at this point. Post Malone is going to do crystal meth right now. He's got an inc she just can't scratch. Not anymore. I like. You have like a, like a fun Caitlyn Jenner vibe.

[Wendy Cressley]

Oh, thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know.

[Post Malone]

Okay.

[Wendy Cressley]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do. What have you been doing with your life up until this? How long were you in prison for?

[Wendy Cressley]

30 months total.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

30 months and 6 months of house arrest?

[Wendy Cressley]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And what did you do with your life before that and what are you doing since then, then?

[Wendy Cressley]

So before that I had my own business. A licensed electrician and home repair remodel, handyman.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you're a handyman. That makes sense. And so since you're out of prison and everything, you're back at that, I'm guessing.

[Wendy Cressley]

No, I took A Covid. Because I was in Texas before and the laws here are a lot different when getting certified or getting your certificate, you know, to get because become a licensed anything. So I. I just haven't done it. I took a Covid job. Like a pandemic job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing standup comedy?

[Wendy Cressley]

Not. It's like my eighth or ninth time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Well, good for you.

[Wendy Cressley]

Thank you, I guess.

[Sean McAbre]

There you go.

[Dr. Phil]

It's not an easy crowd.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, congratulations on getting pulled. We're going to keep it moving. Here's a little joke book. Can you catch? Can you catch anything but a charge? I knew it.

[J Frunk]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There goes Wendy Cressley, ladies and gentlemen.

[Dr. Phil]

See way to power through.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, I asked how many you listen every week, but I'm gonna ask you this. How many of you have been listening for many years? How many of you used to go to shows when we were here in Los Angeles? Angeles. Well, you guys might remember this young legend, ladies and gentlemen, here to do a minute, make some noise for the former drummer of Kill, Tony the Legend, Joel Jimenez.

[Post Malone]

What the is up, Alex? Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah, good to be here. I'm born and raised out here.

[Aaron Belial]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Okay, shut the up. Let me do my minute. I didn't have the DARE program growing up. I did have a bunch of cholos saying, smoke this, I dare you. You. And I did all of it. And that's just a cool way to tell a stadium of people that I've done methamphetamines. I recently found out that Shaquille o' Neal is a cop. I don't know if you guys know this. You can Google it. I'm not making it up. He's so tall. Could you imagine what Shaq's body cam footage footage looks like? It's just a beautiful shot of the LA skyline.

[Casey Rocket]

Fuck yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. The return of Joel Jimenez here in front of fucking tens of thousands of people. Welcome back, Joel. What's up, Tony? How are you? I love you, miss you. You're a legend of the game. Last time you were on on was the 10 year anniversary episode. No, I came to Austin after that, but it's fine. But you were on this show? Yeah, I was on the show, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure, whatever. Oh, my God, Are you okay?

[William Montgomery]

I think I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm having a seizure. I'm hearing Joelberg's out there. People know me out here. Joelberg, Joel Berg.

[Post Malone]

This is my city.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I'm kidding. I. I love it, Joel. What else is going on? Not much, Matt. Door guy at the Comedy Store. I play in a hardcore band called Mad Peaceful. I got a podcast called Lesser Known Characters with my buddy Chappelle Lacy. That's about it. You know. You've been keeping up on the drums. Keeping up on the drums. I actually. Yeah,

[Post Malone]

baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second. Tony, I actually wanted to ask you something.

[Post Malone]

How many y' all think we should have a book in Mexican drama? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, we've been down this road before, Michael. I think you should go first. Yeah, I got home court advantage. Home court advantage. Los Angeles own Joel Jimenez. You guys know how it works. They each get a drum solo if one of them went. Whoever wins is the full time drummer of Kel. Tony. If Michael Gonzalez loses, he has to work the door at the Comedy Store and be in a hardcore punk band. Michael, how do you feel? Let's go. Oh, my God. The reigning defending drummer of Kill, Tony. This is a drum solo from Michael Gonzalez.

[Post Malone]

It.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Post Malone]

Sam. Wow. Michael Gonzalez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This place is on their feet. Wow. A true Mexican drum up. Mexican versus Mexican. Both of them rocking Lakers jerseys. This is history in Los Angeles, California. And ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the man that was the drummer for the show. For many years, he's toured all around the world with Kil. Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the drum solo from Joel Hamed.

[Post Malone]

Nez. It's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen,

[Post Malone]

Joelberg's out of control.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We've seen this before.

[Post Malone]

Oh, we've seen this. Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's sucking his own dick. Oh, my God. He's fucking his own face. Oh, he's still drumming.

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where's he going? He's.

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, Joel.

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where is he going?

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's climbing the railing. This is. Ladies and gentlemen. We've always stroking the dildo. He's stroking the purple dildo. By God, he put it in his mouth. He's on the rails. He put it in his mouth so that he can climb back down. This is unprecedented. Unprecedented, Unheard of in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen. And why am I hard right now? Absolutely incredible. Oh, my God. He's still going. He's still going. Oh, my God. With the dildo in his mouth. He just broke dance. Yes. That is the Netflix sound effect. Brought to you by Netflix, everybody. You cannot.

[J Frunk]

Ari Shaffer could never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[J Frunk]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has a bigger dildo in his actual underwear. I forgot he's working with the hog dude.

[Dr. Phil]

Yo, if he jumped, that was gonna Be the weirdest suicide of all time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I forgot how big his junk is. I also forgot how flat his ass is. That thing is incredible right there. Those cheeks clap like an applause break from Aaron Belial. I don't know what the fuck to do. I don't know what. I think we all won tonight. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? How many of you have Joelberg, Joel Jimenez winning?

[Post Malone]

Oh, my God, Joel. What are we gonna.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is happening? I believe, I believe. I believe this means, Joel, I'm pretty sure you get to fucking drum with us anytime you want. Sounds good. How about we set up two fucking drum sets Sunday night at the sold out YouTube Theater? You free Sunday? I can be. Let's do it. Yeah. Thank you, la. I love you. Peace. It's on. It's on. Let's go. A completely unplanned moment. How about one more time for the return of Joelberg Joel Jimenez. Momentum is behind us. The wind is beneath our wings. So now I bring to the stage. We haven't finished. Fun Still. Is it okay that the show's running a little long? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to do a brand new minute kill Tony hall of famer, a man famous for his roasting.

[Post Malone]

This is David Lucas. Sam. Yeah,

[David Lucas]

I talk a lot of shit about gay men, but I feel like I can because, like, I feel like I can't because, like, I'm like 10% gay, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not stick a dick in my booty gay. But it's like, if you tell me you got a big ass dick, nigga, I want to see it, you know what I'm saying? It's like, pull that out, you know you got 13 inches, nigga. Let me see. I don't even put it in my hand, you know what I'm saying? Like,

[Post Malone]

Heavy.

[David Lucas]

I did that joke the other day, and Cam's daddy saw me do that joke and he was like, Nigga, you not 10% gay. You 100% gay. I was like, I didn't know you could count to 100. What the. All right, that's my time. David Lucas. Thank y'.

[Post Malone]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. David Lucas. Unbelievable. Look at this. Look at these people. They love you.

[David Lucas]

L. Kiss. Yeah, there we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. That's crazy as hell, David. An amazing set. I guess since we found out tonight that you're gay, I guess I have to get fat and black. Now we can reverse roast each other.

[David Lucas]

Hey, that's crazy. Tony, you're looking amazing. What are you taking homo Tony with that vest on. With that vest on, you look like the only gay in Wakanda. What the. Tony got a dildo made out of vibranium. What kind of Black Panther ass is that? What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[David Lucas]

Why Tony got that on the Black Panther? More like the fag panther.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a. Hell, yeah. You look fantastic. Two types of denim tonight, huh?

[David Lucas]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like filet Leno.

[David Lucas]

That was mid. That was me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a big top half of your body and shit. Short legs.

[David Lucas]

And you have a big booty hole with a little body like. What are we talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are on fire tonight, my friend.

[David Lucas]

Tony, your booty hole look like a sewer without the top. Somebody can fall in that, you know what I'm saying? Post Malone is here. What's up, buddy? Yeah, Post Malone, you look like Cal Rittenhouse, lawyer. Hey, bro, just say you shot them, all right? Tim Dillon. Tim Dillon. You look like Adam Ray without the hat. Or with the hat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry, I'm fucking with what?

[David Lucas]

Oh, go ahead, Dr. Phil.

[Dr. Phil]

Yeah, well, it's nice to.

[David Lucas]

You look like.

[Dr. Phil]

You look like the rapper type. Too short. You know what I'm saying? That's a diabetes joke.

[David Lucas]

Oh, God. We did not need another white man playing Medea movies, you know what I'm saying?

[Dr. Phil]

For sure, this out here, for sure. I never thought I'd get roasted by Shaq's mom. I said Shaq's mom. Shaquille o'. Neal. You look like the woman who birthed him. I'll send you an email.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true. David looks like Shaquille Moal.

[David Lucas]

Shaquille Moal. That's crazy as hell. My goodness, it's not even February when you dressed up for Black History Month. Tony, what the. Is going. What's wrong with you? Did you drive a Cadillac with 22 in rims to the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so.

[David Lucas]

For Black History Month, Tony ate a Popeye's biscuit with his asshole.

[Dr. Phil]

I was there. It was hilarious.

[David Lucas]

With no lube? With no lube.

[Red Band]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I ate that. And I. And I. And I. Yeah, I did. I actually did that. It sounds like a roast joke, but I did that. Didn't leave a crumb.

[David Lucas]

Give me a cigarette, nigga. I'm smoke it on the live light now. Oh, I ain't smoking a cigarette. And like Crush.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a crush. That's what you do to dinner. Crush is what the insides of his shoes feel.

[David Lucas]

Crush is what happens at 12:45 at your bedroom. I crush that Tony, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a It's a good cigarette for you since you retain water like a camel.

[David Lucas]

Hey, Tony, I got a question. Can you squirt?

[Dr. Phil]

What the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Squirt? That's your favorite soda.

[Dr. Phil]

It is a good soda. Goes great with chips.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This isn't the first time I've seen a furnace smoked before.

[David Lucas]

What? I am getting roasted right now by a gay nigga. A fucking nigga that lives in the woods with no electricity. A big ass homo. I don't know. I love Tim Dillon, but, nigga, you look like baloney right now. I don't that look like a gay piece of baloney. What the going on? Jack off with this. I don't know what this thing got going on.

[Dr. Phil]

I'm just trying to do my best. But David, I do got to say.

[David Lucas]

Where y' all get this from, bro? Adam Br. Snap out of it, bro.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I tried to come to your family barbecue, but, you know, you guys wouldn't let me in. I complimented your pants. I said nice jeans if I guess you do got some skinny jeans,

[David Lucas]

doctor.

[Post Malone]

Feel good? Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

All right, I'll take that one.

[David Lucas]

What's good?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Dr. Phil]

You look good, though. I like the. You look like you were attacked by a Wolverine. You do look good, though. Dave, have you.

[David Lucas]

You look like a principal from Saved by the Bell. Shut your ass up.

[Dr. Phil]

That's a great show.

[David Lucas]

Saved by hell with that ball hit. David, I haven't smoked a cigarette in like five years, but I just felt like I need. Post Malone is here. That dirty ass, rich ass.

[Dr. Phil]

Those all sounded like compliments, David.

[David Lucas]

I thought white people were smarter than that. How y' all get this, y'? All. That is crazy Post Malone out here looking like a straight gold teeth, hands tatted. How many domestic abuses do you have Post Malone?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Dr. Phil]

You look like you wash your hair with fruit by the foots,

[David Lucas]

Dr. Phil. You look like you wash your hair with a blowtorch. Get your ass out of here, boy. Hey, hey. You got a BBL on top of your head and you got one of them white booty who bring the sign up here? That be like pick number six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[David Lucas]

Are you talking about with that little ass suit on you like supposed to be in a casket.

[Dr. Phil]

All right, well, you look like the trucker that they also make get on the truck scale, hear me? Hit me, Mike. There he is.

[David Lucas]

Hit it one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David, what's it like for you to be roasting at the sold out LA Forum right now? Have a moment here. Tell these people what the fuck is up.

[David Lucas]

This is amazing because a Lot of people don't know this, man. I, I left my home in Macon, Georgia at the age of. Age of 19 to move to LA to chase this dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're from Macon or Bacon? I'm keep going.

[David Lucas]

Where you from? Hey, hey, Tony from dad.

[Post Malone]

Not Baghdad fag Dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't want to interrupt your heartfelt moment.

[Post Malone]

The you.

[David Lucas]

You out here. You out here looking like a black preacher's church sock your ass. You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like Toast Malone.

[David Lucas]

And you look like Host Malone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[David Lucas]

Because that booty hole host a lot of. Hey, all I got is booty hole jokes against Tony. That. That.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my.

[David Lucas]

Post Malone, you look like the type of that go to high school and sniff White out. I, I.

[J Frunk]

You're the only dude in camo that the people in the back can see you completely fine.

[Post Malone]

Yeah,

[Red Band]

over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's over. Give it to him.

[David Lucas]

Hey, Post Malone. Oh, no, hold on, hold on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're not going to try to keep this going, are you?

[Dr. Phil]

You.

[David Lucas]

Hey, Post Malone. White Iverson was a love song to Tony. All right, White Iverson, you got a sleeve on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a son. I have a son. Is something your father has never said. David Lucas kill Tony hall famer, legend. He's here in Los Angeles this weekend with us. Make some noise for one of only three.

[Post Malone]

Only three in the world. Only two alive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill Tony hall of famer, the legend, the roast massa.

[David Lucas]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas.

[David Lucas]

If I'm in your city. Public up, baby. David Lucas, comedy dot com. Love y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[David Lucas]

Thank y' all so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for him. It's David Lucas. Everybody.

[Red Band]

Open a cigarette.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. David, we love you. All right.

[J Frunk]

Oh, look at him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hug it out. There they go. Look at this. This is the weirdest BLM rap rally I've ever been to in my life. We could have solved it all if we did this in June of 2020. Well, we're coming around the corner now, ladies and gentlemen. I think we should. I think it's about time that we turn the lights down and watch a little video, everybody. The saga continues right now. Here we we go. And here we go.

[Dr. Phil]

Who got more laughs in that one minute?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who do you. Who do you think?

[Dr. Phil]

Who do I know? It's not who do I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, who?

[Dr. Phil]

Rick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, it was close. It was very close. But I truly thought the muscles from

[Dr. Phil]

Brussels brought the heat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It all all comes down to the audience. How many of you have Rick Diaz winning this? This is that moment. How many of you have Hans Kim winning. When Hans beat Rick, the audience was very clear. Somehow people on the Internet still didn't quite believe what happened there. I think Shane and and Matt McCusker getting their votes in kind of swayed what was happening to the viewers eyes.

[Hans Kim]

What surprised me when Rick and I first faced off is the Internet reaction, the level of anger they had for me when Shane and Matt said that Rick had a better set that night, it made me feel like I must have fucked up.

[Rick Diaz]

As far as I'm concerned when.

[David Lucas]

Amazing.

[Rick Diaz]

I executed my plan as well as I could have. All things considered. Given that a few months before I was doing open mics in Brussels and I was in an arena in Austin, I think I did pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did Rick Diaz get perhaps more laughs that night? Sure. But you know, when the audience was deciding these battles originally, that was the one way that we knew how to decide these things. It took a lot of courage for Rick Diaz to put his golden ticket on the line against Hans Kim's regular ship. Very ballsy move. But in my mind, Hans Kim has done this hundreds and hundreds of times. I've seen what he's capable of. I've seen it on the road. I work with Hans a lot and I know him well and raised him from a little Asian boy sleeping in the back of a van to a very wide, well off, very successful stand up comedian who's touring constantly and selling out all over the country.

[Hans Kim]

Well, you guys, I'm sorry that I underperformed at the arena. I'd like to challenge him comedically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And did he respond to you?

[Hans Kim]

I'm sure he did. Probably something snarky and mean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Post Malone]

Oh my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think about Hans re challenging you at the Forum?

[Rick Diaz]

I find it interesting that a winner of a competition challenges a loser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. But you can admit that the crowd was louder for Hans. You were there and the crowd was louder for Hans. The audience being the only vote in that contest was very controversial. So I think the next one me, Red Ban and the two judges or the two guests each get a vote and the audience also gets to vote. So it's on at the Forum. One minute or three? You guys decide right now? Yeah. You guys want to do two

[Hans Kim]

and I'm not. Two minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

LA forum May 10 the rematch. Hans Camp versus Rick Diaz.

[Hans Kim]

What's different this time, going into it is that I'm more relaxed. Let's fuck this immigrant up. I'm not trying so hard to please the audience. I'm just trying to show them what I've been working On.

[Rick Diaz]

I'm just humbled by the whole thing. And I'm grateful to Tony hinchcliffe. I'm grateful to kill Tony and I'm grateful to the fans.

[Hans Kim]

More complex, more intricate, yes, bullshit two dimensional 1940s comedy that we progressed past. Try being yourself, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And we are at that moment right now. It's been a long time coming. Everybody's been preparing. You guys know how it works. It's best out of five. We have an F5 boats, red band votes. I vote Post Malone votes. Tim Dillon votes. And the audience votes. With a decibel meter in action. Actual brand new decibel meter. It's gonna pop up on the screen when the noise goes down or whatever. You guys witnesses here. There it is. It's it. 91, 95.

[Post Malone]

Come on, you guys can make more noise than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Show it again. All right. All right. It works. So, ladies and gentlemen, you guys know how it goes. It's two minute long sets. In an unheard of kill Tony breakup tradition, both of them will get two minute sets going. First, of course, the man who controversially took a loss at the heb center doing a two minute long set. This is the long one awaited return of Rick Diaz.

[Post Malone]

Sam.

[Rick Diaz]

I don't drink. I don't do any drugs. I am unhappy. I'm 47 years old. My secret depression. Every evening I moisturize with tears, ladies. You get unsolicited dick pics. I get unsolicited medical advice and dick pics. Yeah, I left my toothbrush at a girl's place. It was my little way of telling her, you know, to use one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had a talk with my ex

[Rick Diaz]

and she told me, rick, you're like a real robot. You have no emotions. And I told her, I think that's a little bit unfair. It's not because you learned to receive emotions a specific way when you were growing up that it means I have no emotions. It just means I express them differently. I think that's a pretty good answer. Thank you, Chatgpt. My uncle suffered from mental health issues. My. My uncle heard voices. One day he came to me and he was like, rick, my voices are telling me I should kill myself. I was like, no, you're fine. That was just me in the bathtub. My buddy called me up the other day. He told me, hey, Rick, you want to hang? I was like, how did you know? He was like, no, no, I mean hang together. I was like, the more the merrier. Yeah, I talked to a priest. I told him, I really want to die. But I'm also really afraid to die. And he was like, don't worry, my son. When you die, you will be granted with the gift of eternal life. My ex. My ex did. My ex did two suicide attempts in front of me. She was so competitive. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is, all the way to 2.22minutes from Rick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. Rick, how do you feel? Like that win? What are the vibes in here? It's a. It's a fucking. It is a tough crowd that you were getting some booze right from the get. You plowed through it. How do you feel? How do you feel, Rick?

[Rick Diaz]

I feel amazing. Yeah, I feel amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was your prep like for this?

[Rick Diaz]

No, I mean, hey, eight months ago, I never, ever in my wildest imagination dream that I could be at the LA Forum today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love your attitude that I would

[Rick Diaz]

be at the LA Forum today having to rematch your diversity hire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're also an immigrant. You know that, right?

[Rick Diaz]

I can't hear you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're an immigrant.

[Rick Diaz]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would also be a diversity higher hire if I hired you.

[Rick Diaz]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Rick, what was your preparations like for this? What was your process?

[Rick Diaz]

Well, I've been writing a lot. I've been doing a lot of shows back home. Okay. Try to do a show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. Oh, there you go. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

Dude, I can't. I can't believe I met Rich.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rfk dude, tell us about it.

[Rick Diaz]

Oh, I can't believe he had a. A dead worm in his brain. Yeah, yeah, he probably died of starvation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Oh, yeah. Someone got vaccinated a bunch.

[Rick Diaz]

I'm so happy to see Dr. Phil again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Rick Diaz]

Hey, Dr. Phil. I saw your impression of Adam Ray the other day. Yeah, it was almost there.

[Dr. Phil]

Dude, I love it.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah.

[Dr. Phil]

Rick, you look like. Like Harry Pot, Harry Potter sponsor.

[Rick Diaz]

Yeah, I look like Harry Potter. The extended edition.

[Dr. Phil]

There you go.

[Rick Diaz]

I look like Harry Potter failed at magic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Rick, you did.

[Dr. Phil]

You did great. I don't know. I'm not voting, but you came out swinging harder than you did in Austin. I feel like you came out with your dick out tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, we got to keep it moving. I know.

[Rick Diaz]

I love Los Angeles. Thank you for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to bring you right back up in a little bit.

[Rick Diaz]

Oh, I. I got a lot of material in store for you guys if you bring me back up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. There he goes. He's going to be right back. That was the set by Rick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. And now the return of one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

[Post Malone]

This is hard skill. What's up? Hell, yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good to be here,

[Hans Kim]

Los Angeles. Thank you, ma'.

[Dr. Phil]

Am.

[Hans Kim]

Stop booing. It hurts my feelings. Good to be here, guys. I. I'm a huge fan of gay people, okay? I think gay people are the best because gay people. Gay people only have sex with other gay people. Take a lesson, black people. But I understand homophobia because being gay is only minority group. You can enter just by being drunk. You can't get too drunk and turn Indian. Your friends are gonna be like, dude, you were saying some real Indian shit to me last night. You kept telling me to restart my modem. I love how you know. Thank you. Yeah, that's. Thank you so much. A lot of people nowadays are worried that immigrants. Immigrants are bringing drugs across the border. Who are these losers buying drugs off immigrants? Who's going up to an immigrant, like, hola, Consuela. Tns. Psilocybin mushrooms. Molly, por favor. They have way better drugs than immigrants. My friend David Lucas recently got canceled for saying a joke about George Floyd, which I don't think makes any sense, because David Lucas is a black life, and I think he matters. George Floyd is dead.

[Dr. Phil]

It's true.

[Hans Kim]

There's a video of it. Technically, he doesn't matter anymore. Thank you.

[Post Malone]

Kia4 of LA. I love you guys. Oh, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. Hans Kim, Two solid minutes. How do you feel right now?

[Hans Kim]

I feel great. I got to watch Rich Rick Diaz bombing an arena.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somehow I feel like the Internet will still make this controversial.

[Hans Kim]

I don't think there's any way they can do that after that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Goddamn right, Hansi.

[Hans Kim]

But, yeah, I mean, I'm obviously a person that, you know, I'm kind of like a dick or whatever, so sorry about that. But, yeah, I love you guys that like me, but I don't like the guys that. That have been on Reddit a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. Jesus Christ.

[Hans Kim]

I. Okay, I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's just jump right into it. I don't know who should go first here. Tim Dillon. I'm going to. Rick, get back out here. Rick Diaz returning. Come on, Rick. There you go. Here they are. It started with Settlers of Catan, and now the saga is finished. Tim Dillon. I got to give it to Hans Kim. The Floyd joke at the end was amazing. Post Malone. Who do you think had the better set tonight? Grab. Yep. Give it to Hans.

[J Frunk]

I love you, Rick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you. Well, and you know what? I'm just. To make things interesting, I'm gonna go With Rick Diaz, everybody. Just because I'm a showman. Oh, you, you. Yeah. Yeah. How about that?

[John Luna]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy's going to kill me for sure. Red band.

[Red Band]

I'm going to give it to Janice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Okay. Red band gets it. I'm going to give it to Hans. All right, well, that pretty much decides it. But since we have a decibel meter and things can get controversial on this show, let's go for it. Make some noise. Let's see it on the board. How many of you have Rick Diaz winning?

[Hans Kim]

They love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

103.4 was as loud as I saw it get. Dude, you did great. It was all right. If you vote for one, you can't vote for the other. Does that make sense? So one last time, make some noise if it's Rick Diaz that won. Okay, And how many of you have Hans Kim winning?

[RFK Jr.]

Yes.

[Rick Diaz]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

By a shocking 10 decibel points. And in house, ridiculously much louder. Rick Diaz, I gotta say, say thank you, band. Rick, I have to say you have unbelievable levels of showmanship and courage. You have done a thing that no golden ticket winner in the history of the show has done. And as a sign of respect, as a gift from me, even though you put your golden ticket on the line through all of this, I'm going to let you retain your golden ticket for when you visit Austin, Texas. Rick, you can leave this stage. There goes Rick Diaz. Hans Kim, I want you to stay up here because there's a little video that's going to roll that was going to play whether you won or lost tonight. I want you to watch it. Step in front of the band. Let's all watch it together. Hans Kim, live at the Forum. If you know the words, sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. Here we go. Here's Hans Kim, everyone.

[Hans Kim]

A lot of people make fun of Asians because we like to. To eat dogs, which I understand is very shocking because in America, dogs are treated like family members. But in Asia, we treat our family members like family members.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. What a way to start the night, huh, Hans? You what? With a lady.

[Hans Kim]

I had intercourse with her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. That sounds so missionary and slow and safe. Let's do this. Hans Cam live on Kill Tony. Yeah.

[Post Malone]

What so proudly we held at the

[Hans Kim]

twilight last gleaming My Asian friends make fun of me because I like to eat General Tso's chicken. They're like, hans isn't General so just a shitty, Americanized version of something authentically Asian. And I'm like, yeah, but so am I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very, very exciting stuff. That was an absolutely incredible set. Would you be willing to be the new regular here on Kil, Tony?

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, here comes one right here.

[Post Malone]

Look at this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hit it.

[Post Malone]

Oh, wow. Look at this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, my go.

[Dr. Phil]

God, he has a Rolex and a hot white girlfriend.

[Post Malone]

It's starting to bother me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often are you doing little bumps of cocaine?

[Hans Kim]

As often as my girlfriend makes me. Yeah, she's a bad influence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. Now the plot thickens.

[Hans Kim]

I'm a good boy. I can.

[Dr. Phil]

Nobody believes you, by the way. Do you hear that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Silence. But something changed a week and a half ago when we decided to start having him challenge every single week for his regular ship spot. What we've learned is that it makes Hans Kim perform a lot stronger, a lot better. Because he's fighting for his life. All right, here we go. How many of you have Hans Kim retaining? Well, how many of you think Hans Kim retains again, Huh? I had a feeling. It's not even close, folks.

[Hans Kim]

I'm not surprised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Motherfucker. Let's this immigrant up. This is that moment. How many of you have Hans Kim winning?

[Post Malone]

Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, the newest member of

[Post Malone]

the Kill Tony hall of Fame.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here to present him with his award,

[Post Malone]

the greatest Asian comedian of all time, Comedy Store legend, the great Bobby Lee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The newest member, the third living member, the fourth member ever. Joining William Montgomery, David Lucas and Michael Lair. Hans Kim, the newest member of the hall of Fame and still kill Tony regular. The great Yoni Levin. Presenting the artwork that everybody's gotten. Hans Kim. What do you want to say? You're here in Los Angeles.

[Hans Kim]

I'd like to apologize to absolutely nobody. The non tupple champion apologizes to no one. But I am sorry.

[J Frunk]

Little bit.

[Hans Kim]

I could have been better at the HB arena. But I appreciate you guys so much. I don't deserve this. I love you guys. Thank you for supporting me. I love you guys so much. This is more than I could ever dream of. I love you guys.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to say something? Say something one more time for the

[Post Malone]

great Bobby Lee, everybody.

[RFK Jr.]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Hans Kim, everyone. The place is in chaos. We're running in super duper overtime. And you guys know what how the weekend. Only way we can close a show like this. There's only one possible way. I present the record holder for all time appearances on the show. The record holder of all time interviews on the show.

[Post Malone]

The Topanga Tarantula. The Ventura Vampire. The Los Alamo Meos Lesbianos. The Burbank Broiler. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. Sam.

[William Montgomery]

Back in my day, we had G Unit and Jihad. This is my impression of a top 40 DJ hosting a countdown and clocking in at number six, Mariah Carey with Butterfly, a new hit. That's right. Already flooding the airwaves with that stank ass. If your dog comes out as trans, you might not be a redneck. In an effort to become more inclusive, the Boy Scouts are changing their name to Scouting America. This will allow girls to experience the same sexual abuse that the boys have. Also, the tits aren't going to clean themselves. Red band so fat on his cheat day, he weighs his options

[Post Malone]

on how to kill himself.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, that's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One minute, three seconds. From the man who's done it more than anyone ever. The undeniable Race Red Goat of Kill. Tony History. William always brings it up a level for these big shows. What are you wearing tonight, William?

[William Montgomery]

Hold on, Tony.

[Post Malone]

Hooty.

[Dr. Phil]

Hootie who?

[Post Malone]

I don't give a fuck. We in Eaglewood, Jody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, but yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I'm so excited. I actually was in a rave all last night. I haven't teased 18 in 24 hours, so I literally can't. There's a zipper on the back. I gotta pee so bad right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But that's why you're so hard right now.

[William Montgomery]

What was that red band? I honestly didn't hear you. What was it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go on, do it again. That's why you're so hard right now.

[William Montgomery]

I actually have really good compression shorts on right now, if anybody was wondering.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What exactly is that outfit, William? Where do you get something?

[William Montgomery]

Literally a ravers outfit? I bought it about a week ago. I got to the hotel today. This literally was 3000 fucking dollars. It cost me 3k to fucking get this thing. It doesn't really fit right. I look like a big fucking pussy up here. I fucking messed up on one of my jokes. I mean, this is the big time, Tony. And I'm messing up left and right. That little boy won't even look at me.

[Post Malone]

How old are you, dumbass?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There is an actual little boy. I didn't notice that the entire. How old are you? Show me with your fingers. Thirteen.

[Dr. Phil]

Holy hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's un.

[William Montgomery]

Who's that guy with you? He had sex with you or your dad?

[Post Malone]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And daughter pounder. That is the weirdest. What is that? God, we have the. We have the craziest fans on planet Earth. William Montgomery. How does this feel? We're back in la. When we found you here, literally, you were the most bloated drunk person a lot of people had ever met. Now you are sober and bloated.

[William Montgomery]

I know. My gut is really bad right now. I don't know what's going on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What have you. What has been going on? What have you been doing?

[William Montgomery]

I don't know. It's the compression shorts, Tony. That's why my penis looks so small. Let's keep it moving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Dr. Phil]

What's your diet like, William? What sort of snacks are you chewing on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Dr. Phil]

What sort of snacks are you chewing on?

[William Montgomery]

A couple Oreos in my mouth right now, but no Oreos. I've been eating all kinds of but. Yeah, it's la. I mean, I'm literally gonna start drinking and doing cocaine tonight at the Comedy Store.

[Post Malone]

I don't give a fuck.

[William Montgomery]

I'm actually going to a rave in

[Post Malone]

a couple of hours.

[William Montgomery]

It's almost three years. I'm almost three years fucking sober, but I don't give a shit anymore.

[Post Malone]

I'm drinking tonight.

[William Montgomery]

I'm doing blow at the Comedy Store

[Post Malone]

tonight,

[William Montgomery]

and nobody's gonna stop me doing that. Tim, do you want to do some blow tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Post Malone. Have you ever seen an entertainer quite as enthralling as William Montgomery?

[J Frunk]

Absolutely not.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. Thank you. What about Jared Nathan? You were being nice to his earlier and he takes it like you're making fun of him.

[Dr. Phil]

What a dumbass.

[William Montgomery]

No, he was nice.

[J Frunk]

First show I went to, you were there.

[Hans Kim]

He was there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Stop looking at your. Dude, I'm so sorry.

[William Montgomery]

It's compression shorts, okay? I literally have these really good Nike compression shorts on right now.

[J Frunk]

You look like a ginger xenomorph from

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

aliens

[William Montgomery]

just running around in the pantry.

[Dr. Phil]

William, you look like what they feed the lesbian giraffes at the zoo. That's a compliment. That's a tough.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you. Thank you. No, thank you so much.

[Aaron Belial]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, you are a superstar. Go ahead.

[William Montgomery]

No, I actually wasn't. I. I'm just wondering what these people are doing walking out of here right now. It's like right when I get up, everybody's walking out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody knows who the is going on.

[William Montgomery]

They probably work for Netflix.

[Post Malone]

Holy.

[William Montgomery]

I could tell the Netflix people when I saw them. They were watching me pee in the bathroom. I swear to God, they saw my dick earlier today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, fuck. I love it. What else is going on, William?

[William Montgomery]

Nothing, really. Just get working on a couple more puzzles. Eating my All Brand bloods. I'm shitting really bad right now, though. Tony, I swear I think I look bloated right now because I literally haven't shit in a couple of days. I hate that I bring this up, but it's really bad right now. I'm gonna have to go to probably fucking Cedar Sinai. Isn't that the hospital around here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Yes, it is the hospital. Absolutely, Dr. Phil. You and William have bonded it. Reesa, was that you? I can't remember.

[Dr. Phil]

Well, no, William and I go way back. I met him. Well, met him on Grindr.

[William Montgomery]

And then it was such a love affair right at the very beginning. It's like we couldn't stop kissing each other.

[Dr. Phil]

Just your lips, your tongue, it all felt good. And then we did a Sudoku in the back of my Hyundai Tucson. Only if this 13 year old child says it's okay.

[William Montgomery]

Actually.

[Post Malone]

Dude, get up here, man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't. No, no.

[Post Malone]

Sit the down. You dumbass. Sit the down. Jesus, your dad's nasty.

[William Montgomery]

Dude, your dad was getting you up here.

[Dr. Phil]

Turn that way, turn that way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hey.

[William Montgomery]

What are you doing here?

[Dr. Phil]

Do you come to this 24 hour fitness lobby often?

[William Montgomery]

All the time. What are you doing in here, big boy?

[Dr. Phil]

Tony, I'm scared.

[William Montgomery]

No, seriously, what are you doing in here, big boy?

[Dr. Phil]

Well, I was going to work out, but I think my plans have changed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In what way?

[Post Malone]

You. Malone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Unbelievable.

[Dr. Phil]

Oh, I think I just got hpv.

[Hans Kim]

You do?

[Dr. Phil]

That was beard on stash crime. Now I do got to say this. William and I, we go back further than that moment. Okay? You. You hit it off with a good friend of mine. Elaine. Do you guys know Elaine? A good friend of mine, she made her debut on the Kill Tony show about a month ago. And you and her had a special moment.

[Casey Rocket]

We did?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

It was a hell of a song and I mean, are we going to be able.

[Dr. Phil]

It was a hell of a song. And Elaine can't be here tonight. She's actually in the ER getting a vibration removed from her. But I thought since we got a lot of musical talent here tonight and 25,000, maybe we could sing this song together.

[Post Malone]

I think you know what I'm talking about. If you know these words, sing along, get the up on your feet. Can you. Travel the world?

[Dr. Phil]

I've seen everything

[Post Malone]

but tonight is the greatest night of my life. Oh, we've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks and that bad guy almost had a heart attack tonight. But that's what you get when you sign up for Kill Tony. You try your best. You Hope that on your side is luck and if you strike out go back home and call me for a titty bug. Everybody call me for a titty bug Call me for a titty bug. Just the black eyes Call me for a titty bug. Just the Asian women Call me for a titty Call Josh Joe Rogan. Call me for a titty Just Tony H. Cliff. Call me for a diddy. Josh William Montgomery. Call me for a diddy. You can touch my head in my back. Kia Forum. We'll be right back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Burn city bucks.

[Post Malone]

Call me, call me. I said call me. Call me for a titty book Call me, call me for a titty Call me a titty Fox song. Call me for a titty Call me titty. You can call me any time of the night Just call me for a titty book you know that it's right Say the love song. Call me, call me. Los Angeles, we love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you to our new director, Anthony Giordano, and Notorious Productions.

[Post Malone]

Thank you to the Comedy Store where it all started. Auto tv. Peter Shore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mitzi Shore.

[Post Malone]

One more time for postobelo. Tim Dillon. Dr. Bill Aphrodite. Nicole Tran. Let's see the arc of Ryan James Belt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Awesome. Call me Chris Rogers.

[Post Malone]

One more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Saul Wilkenfeld.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fernando Castillo.

[Post Malone]

Raul Vallejo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Carlos Sosa, Chris Rogers. Ryan J. Belt. Follow the great Heidi at Gina Aa hg. Follow Valerie Vaugh at on Instagram and get in the car. Underscore. Daniel Mandelman on the keys. Matt Muling on the electric Jet Ski on the horn. D Madness on the bass guitar. Los Angeles, we love you. Thank you.

[Post Malone]

Good night. I love you guys. My call me a call me love song. Call me, call me. Me. For a titty Call me, call me, call me for a titty bug you gotta call me. Thank you to the comedians and thank

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you to you guys, the best comedy fans in the world. We love you. Thank you. Good night.

[Post Malone]

Did he. All.

[Wendy Cressley]

Right.

[Post Malone]

It's all right, it's all right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It. Sam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Friday. Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.