#667 - ADAM DEVINE + HARLAND WILLIAMS - LIVE FROM THE YOUTUBE THEATER

Summary

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Kill Tony #667 – Live from L.A. w/ Adam Devine + Harland Williams

Podcast: Kill Tony
Date: June 11, 2024
Location: YouTube Theater, Los Angeles, part of Netflix Is a Joke Fest
Special Guests: Adam Devine, Harland Williams
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe, with Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This milestone episode of Kill Tony returns to Los Angeles at the YouTube Theater, bringing a star-studded and high-energy show as part of the Netflix Is a Joke Festival. Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, and the world-class Kill Tony band are joined by comedians Adam Devine (Workaholics, Righteous Gemstones) and Harland Williams (Dumb & Dumber, Anchorman), plus surprise performances from show legends and regulars. The night features high-octane crowd work, relentless roasts, and unpredictable moments—spotlighting both new and veteran comics with a live crowd of thousands.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening & Introductions

[04:57]

• Tony rallies the huge LA crowd: “Who's ready to have the best night of their lives tonight?”
• Shoutouts to the full live band and legendary Kill Tony artists sketching on stage.
• Explains the rules: comics get 1 minute, then face the panel’s questions and roasting.

2. Special Guest Introduction: Adam Devine

[08:13]

• Adam’s first time as a Kill Tony guest; greeted with palpable excitement.
• Adam jokes about the energy in the theater and LA’s notorious traffic.
• Tony describes Adam as "one of my favorite human beings...and comedic actors."

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3. Regular Set & Panel: Hans Kim

[12:50]

• Hans returns as a hall-of-fame regular:

  “I think owning a dog makes you a pervert, because...that’s gonna turn anyone on after a while. That’s my time.”

• Panel grills Hans about online hate vs in-room success.
• Adam: “You asked me to do the show so I beefed up, and the internet was like ‘f*** Hans Kim!’ And then you did really f***ing good, buddy.” [15:00]
• Hans on celebrating induction: "I called my girlfriend. She kinda yelled at me a little bit." [15:58]
• Hans confirms partying in Pauly Shore’s mansion and light-heartedly admits to “snorting a bit of cocaine” while in LA.

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4. Feature Regular: Nicole Tran

[21:10]

• Nicole brings rapid-fire, heavily accented punchlines about Chinatown, Sweet James, and sobriety checkpoints.
• “I’m a titty back girl. Is that what she said?” — Tony, in classic confusion about Nicole’s intentionally mangled English. [23:08]
• Nicole roasts the panel and sings a song for her "blue-eyed white guys."

  "If you are blue-eyed white guy, let’s go get some steak and lobster. I let you pick up the check.” [30:04]

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5. Panel Expansion: Harland Williams Joins

[28:33]

• Harlan jumps into the roasting chaos with trademark randomness, immediately bickering and bantering with Nicole and Adam.

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6. Bucket Comedians (Highlights):

7e7 (Seven Evan Seven)

[32:49]

• Self-described “whitewashed” Black comedian: “Instead of nigga, I say nigger. I just don’t get it, you know?” — Shocks the crowd [33:02]
• Reveals nine-year relationship, seven miscarriages (“Happy Mother’s Day – not to me though”).
• Panel fixates on his real name, “Seven Evan Seven,” and his girlfriend, Princess Jamaica.

  "Where were you guys born, on Sesame Street? Their father's The Count." — Tony [37:58]

Tolu Agunblade (Tech Daddy Alpha)

[50:56]

• Nigerian-American, tells honest, edgy jokes: “I went to a Black Lives Matter protest to pick up white chicks. I was like, ‘So, you like niggas?’”
• Adam Devine: “I found out I’m part black—from the waist down. No, not true.” [52:44]
• Tolu talks about being both Black and Irish, cage fighting (8–4 amateur, 5–10 pro), and nearly getting mugged in Austin.

Casey Rocket

[42:46]

• Delivers absurd stream-of-consciousness bits: “I’m the Al Capone of the LA comedy scene—because I have untreated syphilis.” [43:41]
• Reveals elevated suit thrifted for $200.
• Panel riffs on “The Dutchman’s Key” and outfit possibly being Steve Harvey’s.

Sarah Weinshank & Kim Congdon

• Both original regulars return with one-minute sets, strong, punchy new material.
  • Sarah: “If you can’t handle a full piece of cake, you don’t deserve good pussy.” [63:26]
  • Kim: “My last boyfriend rollerbladed away from 9/11.” [113:41]

Heath Cordes

• 21, baby-faced regular:

  “I had a bad dream last night I was chased by Ronald McDonald—and I had to change my undies when I woke up. Because of all the cum.” [69:28]

Martin Phillips

• Cerebral palsy comic, travels from Virginia to LA:

  “I like to dance, but when I dance, people think I’m having a seizure. But when I’m having a seizure, people think I’m dancing." [77:07]

Dane Anthony

• Sings deadpan about family and job history, panel pokes fun at his “bent down” penis special move.

Owen Parker

• Warehouse worker, sober after crashing his car into a tree at 88 mph.

  “I didn’t even go back in time.” — Owen [111:01]

Darby Cash

• “The one piece of relationship advice I gave my ex: drop the knife… can you guess what ethnicity she was?” — Darby
• Admits to masturbating on DMT; the panel gets derailed in disbelief. [149:37]

Brendan Mahaney

• War veteran comic:

  “I’ve been shot so many times I have a favorite one.” [129:28]

• Tony to crowd: "Has anyone ever told you that you look like you molest motorcycles?"

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7. Legendary Roasting: David Lucas

[118:55]

• Brings one of the night’s hardest sets ("Would I rather be in the car with a woman or a bear? I’d rather be in the car with a bear… at least a bear knows what the fuck he wants to eat.”)
• Trades brutal, hilarious jabs with Harland Williams:
  • David: “Tony, you look like a gay puffer fish.” [120:33]
  • Harlan: “You’re the only guy I know with muffin tops on his ankles.” [121:15]
  • David: “You got a tattoo of your medicine schedule, nigga—3pm Alzheimer’s, 6pm blood pressure.” [122:11]
• Crowd goes wild for the roast battle.

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8. Cameos & Special Segments

Bruce Buffer Ring-Announces

[11:07]

• The iconic UFC ring announcer brings sports hype to the comic intros.

Champ Kind (David Koechner)

[140:37]

• The Anchorman sports-caster character performs, mixing catchphrases and auctioneer bits:

  “It’s anchorman, not anchor-lady, and that’s a scientific fact!”

Final Regular Set: William Montgomery

[153:58]

• William in a marching band uniform, feigns retirement from the show, then psychs out the crowd.
• Delivers surreal one-liners about Superman and Taylor Swift.
• Discusses pranking the house with hidden cameras: “We have this butthole shot in the shower…”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Adam Devine on Hans Kim’s online reputation:

  “The internet was like ‘kill Hans Kim!’ And then you did really fucking good, buddy.” [15:00]

• Nicole Tran’s musical roast:

  “If you are blue-eyed white guy, let’s go get some steak and lobster. I let you pick up the check.” [30:04]

• Casey Rocket on fashion:

  “I got it at Iguana Thrift Store. It was $200. Too much, right?” [48:40]

• Tony, interrupted by the “cat”:

  “You know what that sound means?” (as soundboard cues the timer and comic must wrap up)

• David Lucas vs. Harlan Williams exchange:

  David: “When I hugged Harland Williams, it smelled like Bengay and urine.”
  Harlan: “Well, you know the smell of gay…” [123:36]

• Brendan Mahaney gets a kiss live for being a war hero:

  Tony: “Is there a woman out there that's willing to give this war hero a big kiss on the lips?”
  Audience member Tristan delivers. [137:24]

• William Montgomery’s fake retirement:

  “I’m actually the new band leader at a high school back in Memphis, Tennessee. This is probably the last time I’ll be on Kill Tony.” [156:00]
  (Fakes them all out and keeps going.)

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Key Timestamps

• 04:57 – Show/host introductions
• 08:13 – Adam Devine joins the panel
• 12:50 – Hans Kim regular spot
• 21:10 – Nicole Tran regular feature
• 28:33 – Harland Williams joins the panel
• 32:49 – 7e7’s set and interview
• 42:46 – Casey Rocket’s absurd character set
• 50:56 – Tolu Agunblade’s BLM and BBW material
• 63:26 – Sarah Weinshank’s “gendered food” set
• 69:28 – Heath Cordes’ "Ronald McDonald" set
• 77:07 – Martin Phillips' “seizure/dancing” bit
• 94:46 – Cam Patterson’s “tank top” riff and “titties in the crowd”
• 105:56 – Owen Parker, warehouse worker tale
• 112:55 – Kim Congdon returns
• 118:55 – David Lucas brings ultimate roast energy
• 129:28 – Brendan Mahaney, Afghanistan vet set
• 137:24 – Live onstage first kiss for Brendan
• 140:37 – Champ Kind (David Koechner/Anchorman) cameo
• 153:58 – William Montgomery’s marching band final set and fake retirement

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Closing Thoughts

This episode delivered classic Kill Tony chaos at its highest caliber, blending standup, roast battles, improv, music, and moments you won’t find anywhere else. The live LA atmosphere electrified the panel, guests, and crowd, ensuring non-stop entertainment. With Adam Devine and Harland Williams trading blows with show regulars and bucket hopefuls, the show proved once again why it’s the most innovative—and unpredictable—live comedy experience in the world.

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"We might have to come back and do this more often. You guys come to the Staples Center next time. We love you guys!"
— Tony Hinchcliffe, [162:47]

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Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. And now please rise for the singing of your national anthem by Kill Tony legend, Aphrodite. Can you see by the tongue's early light

[Brian Redban]

what so proudly we hail

[David Lucas]

at

[Brian Redban]

the twilight's last gleaming Whose brother stripes and bright stars through the perilous fate

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

of all

[Brian Redban]

the ramparts we once

[Owen Parker]

were

[Brian Redban]

so gallantly stream and the rock is Reverend. The bounds bursting up in the air Gave proof through all the night that our flag was oh, Yeah. Oh, say does that star spangled band. All the land and all the free. And the hope of the. I love you. Hey, this is Red man coming to you live from the YouTube theater here in Los Angeles, California, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony H. Cliff,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Los Angeles. Who's ready to have the best night of their lives tonight, huh?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Feels good in here. Make some noise for Brian Redban, everybody. Oh, hell yeah. Unbelievable. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? You finally get to see them live. A little taste of Austin, Texas. Make some noise for Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, the legend Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, and I don't know if you were there Friday or not, but we got two motherfucking drummers now. That is the return of Joelberg, Joel Jimenez, and the motherfucking backbone himself, Michael Gonzalez. The one and only Daniel Mandelman on the keys, Matt Muhling on the electric. And that is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar. Both of our legendary artists are here, drawing tonight's episode since episode very early on the tens of episodes. Ryan J. E Belt is here and Austin's own Chris Rogers is here. They both have blank slates and their drawings begin now. A lot of fun stuff lined up for this one, folks. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show? I'm gonna be bringing out your guests throughout the night and slowly but surely we're gonna start with one guest right now and I absolutely could not be more excited. This is a guy that I have had the pleasure of doing comedy with for over 17 years. He is one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite comedic actors. This is his first time ever being a guest on Kill Tony. You know him from the righteous gemstones from Workaholics. Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Adam Devine. Oh, yeah, baby.

[Brian Redban]

Let's go la. Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's fucking go. Adam Divine.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we're in it. Welcome to Kill Tony. We have another guest joining in just a few minutes. He's running. Traffic's still crazy here in la. Adam, how are you, my friend?

[Adam Devine]

Really good, thanks. Thanks for having me, man. This is going to be fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to have a blast. Yeah, yeah.

[Adam Devine]

We're going to meet here, guys. I think they're excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This place is wild. How's the balcony doing tonight, huh? Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Woo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's some passion. How about just the lower bowl?

[Adam Devine]

All right, all right. You rich?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got some energy in the damn house tonight. I am so pumped for it. We are going to have a blast. Now I'm gonna pre pull a name. Adam. You might not know how it works, but over 200 human beings signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage tonight. You know your time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitty, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Unbelievably scary. How frightening is that? So I pre poll a name. But to start tonight, how many of you were at the show on Friday? That's a pretty good amount. Which means a lot of you might not be in the know with what happened with the rematch of Rick Diaz and Hans Kim. And while we were starting the show with Casey Rocket for quite a long time, I figured we would start the show with the winner of that match. A story. An undeniable full Supreme Court victory all across the boards, winning by five judges and 10 decibel points. But instead of me introducing him, I figured I would bring out someone special to introduce him. Someone that we were the first comedians and comedy show to ever show you. This man, he is one of my favorite human beings on planet Earth. Nothing gets me more pumped in this world than watching him work. So to bring up our first comedian, I'm happy to present to you from episode 100 of Kill Tony. From episode 500 of Kill Tony, this is the return of the voice of the ufc, Bruce Buffer. Yeah.

[Joel Jimenez]

And

[Brian Redban]

now, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. Live from the YouTube Theater at SoFi Stadium in Los Angeles, California, it's time. This is Kil Toney. Your first comedian is a legend of the game. He went from an open mic to sleeping in his van to being an international superstar right in front of your very eyes. He is the reigning, defending, undisputed regular of the show and the new member of the Kill Tony hall of Fame. Sing it if you know the words. This is. Thank you, la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Hans Kim]

I want to touch a shirtless dude right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good to be here.

[Hans Kim]

I've been listening to a lot of Afro Latino beats. Mostly Rihanna. You know, a lot of people don't know that she made a lot of Afro Latino beats, but she did because she's Afro Latino and she got beat. Thank you. I don't understand women. Women are always trying to look beautiful and hot and sexy, but then they get mad at me when I want to fuck them. It's like going up to a guy at a basketball court who's wearing basketball shorts, and I'm like, hey, do you want to play basketball? And he's like, no, I'm here to dance with my friends. I think owning a dog makes you a pervert, because whenever it's peeing, you have to stand right there staring at him, holding a leash tight around its neck. That's gonna turn anyone on after a while. That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Wow, look who's back. Everybod

[Adam Devine]

spitting fire. Hans.

[Hans Kim]

Good to be back. Hello, Adam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The sweetest love you, sweetest little honest autistic boy you've ever seen in your life. I never get sick of it. It's unbelievable. You know, if you ask him any question, he'll answer it honestly.

[Adam Devine]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. When's the last time you masturbated, Hans?

[Hans Kim]

Just this morning, Tony.

[Adam Devine]

Dude, me too. You got to clean the pipes, right, Hans? Yes, you got to. Well, I'm a little taken aback because I was doing my research. You know, I watched the show, but I was like, you asked me to do the show, so I was like, I gotta beef up on my Kill Tony knowledge. And the Internet was like, fuck Hans Kim. Internet was like, this guy fucking sucks. Don't let him back on the show. Kill Hans Kim. And I'm like, that's aggressive. And then you come out here, and I thought you did really fucking good, buddy.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you.

[Adam Devine]

But you had a good set, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He always kills in house. It's amazing. The undefeated in the room. Despised. On the Internet, we're not quite sure what it is.

[Hans Kim]

I want to say Despised.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would think the incels would protect their own kind, but yeah, I'm the

[Hans Kim]

only Asian that doesn't translate digitally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Adam Devine]

There you go, Hans. Keep killing, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you, Adam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. So how's the last 48 hours been for you? You had the night of your life. Friday night. You dominated against Rick Diaz in a two minute battle with months of anticipation. And immediately afterwards, we were going to induct you into the hall of fame whether you won or lost. So you got the double whammy. Huge win and hall of fame. How'd you celebrate?

[Hans Kim]

I, you know, called my girlfriend. She kind of yelled at me a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what did she yell at you for?

[Hans Kim]

Just cuz I was having a great night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. What a what? Deserved.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't an ex girlfriend, by the way?

[Hans Kim]

Well, yeah, technically. It's a messy thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, boy. So she yelled at you and I saw you at one point at the Comedy Store, huge smile on your face, and you had a hall of fame trophy that you got on Friday and you had a phone charger around your neck and a bag of McDonald's.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah. You know, you could take the man out of the van, but you can't take the van out of the van.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is unbelievable. Did you just write that right then? Yeah, yeah.

[Joel Jimenez]

New tv.

[Adam Devine]

He is blossoming before our eyes. My God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Our sweet, sweet Hans Kim. All grown up. Amazing. So what else is going on, Hansi?

[Hans Kim]

I'm having a great time staying in a beautiful mansion.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Heath Cordes]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Indeed you are staying in Pauly Shores. Absolute monstrosity of a mansion. We're all very lucky to be. Well, I'm really lucky to be a huge part of the Comedy Store. And I was nice enough to share it with my dear, dear friends.

[Hans Kim]

My young Tony. I've been using his moisturizer. I feel like poly right now. And, you know, it's huge. You know, I was like going to the kitchen, I was like, I should bring my wallet just in case. That's how big that place is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Adam Devine]

Your phone would have made more sense, but yeah. Your wallet?

[Joel Jimenez]

Sure.

[Hans Kim]

Off in the kitchen.

[7e7]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. You jerked off in the kitchen?

[Hans Kim]

No.

[Adam Devine]

Is that what you said? You jerked off in the kitchen?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm calling Paulie right now. This is crazy.

[Hans Kim]

I was dropping some righteous gemstones in the kitchen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Reference.

[Adam Devine]

Hot ref.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that what you call your cum? Does it come out solid?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, that sounds like a Problem, dude? Yeah, you gotta go see a doctor.

[Hans Kim]

Luckily, I have a vagina, so.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Devine]

Well put.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Hans, what else is going on in the world before I let you go?

[Hans Kim]

I am, you know, I'm just partying. I'm having a good time. I, you know, flying my drone. I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Adam Devine]

All this checks out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Now, and the couple episodes I watched, it was a lot of talk about you doing, like, a bunch of cocaine. Are you still. You still into the coke or. You're in Hollywood now? This is kind of coke capital usa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

How could I refuse? When in Rome, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So have you been. Have you been getting a little tootsie up your new see this weekend?

[Hans Kim]

I haven't done it on my butthole, but yes, I've been snorting a bit of cocaine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God's here in LA this weekend. Sure. What do you mean, sure? Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

I wish I did.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. You don't got to be cool with us. I also haven't done cocaine this weekend for being real with each other.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

We don't have to do cocaine. It's fine. Guys, do your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you do cocaine, Hans, do your eyes open up more? Everything looks like a lined up.

[Hans Kim]

No, but my penis does.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It does?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, the hole.

[Joelberg]

The hole.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, it relaxes.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you say, Jet Ski? I said everything looks like a line to Hans. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. Oh, yeah. When Jet Ski gets a good line, everybody pretends like they're a jet. I'm trying. I'm gonna coach Adam through this as we go along so that he doesn't think we have the most, but we kind of do.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, but I love it in the best way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like it that way. I like it that way, Hans. Anything else?

[Hans Kim]

I love you guys. Thank you for fixing my career.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fixing it? Yeah. We made your career, Hannah. And then you it up. And you are correct. We fixed your up.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you. That's all I really wanted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, you got it, my friend. Why don't you put the mic back in the mic stand? You got the show started again. Everything is exactly as it should be right now. The fun train has begun. And you know what? Since it's Mother's Day, I figured before we get to our first bucket pull, why not pull up who I believe really, truly could be Hans Kim's mother, A legend of kil, Tony. This is a brand new minute from one of our favorites, Nicole Tran, everyone.

[Adam Devine]

Work it, girl.

[Nicole Tran]

I like to visit Chinatown. Chinese people are very organized. They always have all their ducks in a row. Everywhere I go in la, I see Sweet James billboards. But in Chinatown, it's sweet and Sour James, man. I got caught at a sobriety checkpoint. The cop says, have you been drinking? I say, no. He says, are you smoking? I say, I'm wearing a brand new mini skirt. Why don't I get out and you tell me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nicole Tran, you did it again. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. You are something else.

[Nicole Tran]

Thank you, Tony Hinclip. You really helped me build household names. Now everywhere I go, everywhere people recognize me. You are cute, Tony girl. Thank you Red Band for under term. And you really support a lot of comedians of diverse culture. I really appreciate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you just thank Red Band for exactly. I'm very. I'm literally having my. My in ear isn't working that great. I do need another one.

[Adam Devine]

I think it was heartfelt. I think it was a nice thing.

[Darby Cash]

I couldn't.

[Adam Devine]

I also couldn't understand it. And I don't have a thing in

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

my ear, but I got. I'm having trouble here. What exactly did you just thank Red Band for? I have to know.

[Nicole Tran]

It was a whole teamwork, bro.

[Adam Devine]

Fair enough.

[Nicole Tran]

Is that. I like that, bro. Collaboration effort, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a titty back girl. Is that what she told.

[Adam Devine]

I don't think it was. I think it was teamwork. Yeah, I don't think it was. Titty Pack was what Red Band thought it was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We'll be right Titty pack after these messages.

[Nicole Tran]

Blue eye guy. Guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nicole, how's this trip to LA going? Do you live here now?

[Nicole Tran]

I. I move here now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When did you move here?

[Nicole Tran]

I moved here a year ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What part of town do you live in?

[Nicole Tran]

I live in Korea town. Oh, that's the only. That's the only neighborhood where you see an Uber driver on a scooter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Nicole.

[Nicole Tran]

I love you, Nicole. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing. What else is going on? Nicole?

[Nicole Tran]

Love life.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like?

[Nicole Tran]

Oh,

[Adam Devine]

sex appeal.

[Joelberg]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your haircut is that of a woman that always has just had sex.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Nicole Tran]

What's up, bro?

[Adam Devine]

That haircut be for sure.

[Nicole Tran]

No, this is, you know, this is Paul McCartney haircut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nicole Tran]

He has green eyes, though. No chance.

[Darby Cash]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Nicole. Playing hard to get over there. Oh, my goodness. Bro, you're picky. What are you into?

[Nicole Tran]

And famous in a good looking white guy's kingdom, man.

[Adam Devine]

Tony. Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Joel Burg. Joel Jimenez.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nicole, when you're like with guys, do you like them more? Sweet.

[Harlan Williams]

Or sour.

[Nicole Tran]

I like romantic one. I also like Latino, man. They handsome, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow,

[Nicole Tran]

that's a way Tony Hinchcliffe.

[Adam Devine]

What, the pandering?

[Nicole Tran]

Yeah, that's Spanish. Say thank you. Thank you for them to come and support yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on, hold on. Michael, what did she just say? She said thank you for all the Mexicans who come in here. Oh, I can't hear you. That's not.

[Nicole Tran]

We need to throw him a Spanish book, bro. He got a promotion, but should improve the language skills. I learned how to roast, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You learned how to roast?

[Nicole Tran]

Yeah, I learned how to roast, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Roast what? Pork chops,

[Nicole Tran]

duck, chicken, Barbecue.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, I love it. So what are you roasting?

[Nicole Tran]

Just roast you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Nicole Tran]

I like your jacket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're gonna roast me?

[Nicole Tran]

It looks like he got that jacket from a Nordstrom rack, you guys. 1995. Roast me, bro. Say clean jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're so fucking lucky I can't hear you right now.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, boy.

[Nicole Tran]

Can I roast you, Rollband. Redman Robin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gay Batman.

[Nicole Tran]

Redman.

[Adam Devine]

Roast, Roasted.

[Nicole Tran]

Yeah. You look like the guys with the movie. He's about to fight for chapter 11.

[Adam Devine]

Hey, hang on. What do I look like then? I think I might be the only one that can kind of understand you up here. Hit me with it.

[Nicole Tran]

You look like you are a banker that's about to give me an interest and charge 35%, bro. For cars. It's a sharp interest. Pretty good, bro. That's why I moved to Hollywood, Tony. I wish you still in the Comedy Store so you could put me on Mainstays one time. You back appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about the Comedy Store?

[Nicole Tran]

I wish you still there. Yeah, I bet I should get on Mainstays, right? You the only person who appreciate my talents the most. You know that's true. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Nicole Tran]

That's the only reason I only date blue white guys, man. They see in me true talents. I the one who asked them for a date. None of them. They asked me. I set up my standard pretty straight.

[Joelberg]

Can we get subtitles on this screen, please?

[Nicole Tran]

I have a song.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You have a song?

[Nicole Tran]

Yeah, let's do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You know what? Before you do that song, just hold one second. I want to bring up a second guest to join the panel, all right? I want him to be here for this. Ladies and gentlemen, another one of my favorite comedians. Another one of my favorite comedic actors of all time. And the current front runner for guest of the year 2024. The this is the return of Harland Williams.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. He's back. He's back.

[Joelberg]

Wow, what a treat. Holy crap. Look at this. She couldn't decide if she wanted to be a Smurf or Barney. For fuck's sake.

[Nicole Tran]

Look at your hairstyle. Did you just wake up or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Joelberg]

No. I just walk up. How about that? Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, Harlan, you can't do that, buddy.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, Harland, no.

[Brian Redban]

You just got here. No.

[Adam Devine]

God damn it, Harlan,

[Joelberg]

off.

[Nicole Tran]

I'm a singer, not a wrestler, bro. Do not show up my shir.

[Joelberg]

Next you say I'm not a wrestler.

[Nicole Tran]

Can I sing?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want to sing? Ladies and gentlemen, doing a song. Nicole Tran, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely.

[Adam Devine]

I'd love to hear it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here she goes.

[Nicole Tran]

Put your head on my Should I

[Adam Devine]

think she's talking to you?

[Nicole Tran]

If you are a blue. Ey white guy. Let's go get some steak and lobster.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you writing this right now?

[Nicole Tran]

I let you pick up the check.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Beautiful.

[Joelberg]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Unbelievable.

[Joelberg]

Wow. Oh, bruised eyes.

[Nicole Tran]

Put your lips next to mine? Let me hear your words clearly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you talking to yourself?

[Nicole Tran]

Tell me you love me, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you.

[Joelberg]

We love you. We do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you.

[Nicole Tran]

Blue eyed white guys in my heart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Adorable. Absolutely lovely. There she goes, everybody. She did it again. The one and only Nicole Tran, everyone.

[Adam Devine]

A gold train, everybody.

[Nicole Tran]

And please follow me on Instagram.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Nicole, they got you.

[Joelberg]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're going to follow you, Nick.

[Nicole Tran]

On trend comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You're. There you go. There go. Your dinner is ready. There you go. No, it's the kitten or the dog.

[Adam Devine]

I. I really liked her, Tony. She was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. She is fun. Yeah.

[Joelberg]

We love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Nicole Tran.

[Adam Devine]

Nicole Tran.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now to the bucket we go. We've already wrangled this person. They're ready backstage. We're gonna meet them all together. This is where gets crazy. Could be somebody's first time. Could be a local legend trying to make it big here tonight in front of the best comedy fans on planet earth. Make some noise for 7e7 ladies and gentlemen, here we go. The bucket has begun. Destiny has chosen. Out of over 200 people 7e7 oh, look who it is, everybody. The lovely Heidi. We have ring card, girls.

[Adam Devine]

Happy Mother's day to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And a hand for Valerie Vaughn, everybody.

[Adam Devine]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here he is, everyone. Making his Kill Tony debut. 7e7

[7e7]

how's it going, guys?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yeah.

[7e7]

I recently found out on what you would call in the black community as a whitewashed. But it got me thinking, what makes me whitewashed? You know, what is it? And I realized it's because I pronounce my words correctly. So instead of axe, I say ask. Instead of saying finna, I say I'm going to. Instead of nigga, I say nigger. You know, I just. I just don't get it, you know?

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[7e7]

I've been my. With my girl for nine years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[7e7]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yeah.

[7e7]

No kids, you know what I'm saying?

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[7e7]

Yeah, cuz she's got that natural birth control, you know what I'm saying? Miscarriages.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[7e7]

Oh, on Mother's Day too. Fuck yeah. Happy Mother's Day. Not to me though. Hey, that's my time, guys. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

7E7 welcome to the show, my friend.

[7e7]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did that feel up there? Felt pretty good.

[Adam Devine]

How long?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pretty good.

[Adam Devine]

Wasn't bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been on stand up?

[7e7]

A little over a year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[7e7]

So warehouse working, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of warehouse?

[7e7]

Something like ups, but worse, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. All right.

[Adam Devine]

Mysterious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you like basically carry around all day?

[7e7]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you miscarry stuff at night?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yeah.

[7e7]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. So nice. Thank God for your faults.

[Joelberg]

I gotta ask you a question, bro. I see the ring in the nose, right?

[Adam Devine]

Yep.

[Joelberg]

I've always wondered. I gotta ask. I used to be in the military. If I pull that out, will you blow up 10 seconds? Seconds later

[7e7]

I'm looking down to find out.

[Joelberg]

Well, I was joking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really now?

[Adam Devine]

Now I think you might have to

[Joelberg]

me in the UPS box.

[Adam Devine]

I think that might be the. The answer to your question. That's why you're whitewashed. It's the nose ring.

[7e7]

Yeah, I've gotten that.

[Joel Jimenez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got a little double nose ring there, huh? What's going on with all these piercings?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. That evens it out though.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Joelberg]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's going on? You have other things pierced too?

[7e7]

Used to have my nipples pierced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

No way.

[Joelberg]

You ever pierce your eyebrows and hang a shower curtain on your face?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pierce nipples. Do you ever get the feeling that the reason why your girlfriend can't get pregnant is because she's a dude?

[7e7]

Makes sense. That would make sense.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good news is cream pie city, bro. How long have you been with this girl?

[7e7]

Nine years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band, very good.

[Adam Devine]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine years. How many miscarriages do you think she's had?

[7e7]

I'll have to say seven.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my God. That's a massive family of miscarriage.

[Adam Devine]

Happy almost Mother's Day to her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Adam Devine]

Like, I take it back. I take it I immediately didn't like I said that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, imagine if God loved you. You'd have a huge family right now.

[7e7]

Oh, probably right about that now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it always like a surprise or at this point, are you guys like, like that? Any day now?

[7e7]

Yeah, yeah, I'm just ready for the news at that point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does she get excited when she gets pregnant?

[7e7]

I know I do. Why do you a. I don't want any kids. Not right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you don't want kids?

[7e7]

Yeah, I get paid $17 an hour, man. I can't afford a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Especially six or seven.

[7e7]

Yeah.

[Nicole Tran]

Do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you done anything to cause these miscarriages? You ever push her down the stairs?

[Adam Devine]

So the name 77,

[Darby Cash]

That.

[Adam Devine]

That's a God given name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[7e7]

I got my ID if you want to see it.

[Adam Devine]

I. Yeah, it's Hollywood, man. You could say whatever the you want to.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Here.

[Adam Devine]

If it's just in your pocket, lose.

[Joelberg]

Wow.

[7e7]

I just carry it around with me.

[Joelberg]

Dude, this is a Blockbuster car.

[Adam Devine]

I mean, if your last name was Seven, what made them go first name Seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how many miscarriages they had before he was born. It runs in the family. It runs. It flushes down the toilet in the family.

[7e7]

I don't know. Guess they just like the number. I mean, my brother's name is Six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[Joelberg]

Where were you guys born? On Sesame Street? Their father's the count.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight,

[Joelberg]

nine. Damn. You ever have kids? You won't have any trouble coming up with names. Come on in for dinner. C3PO. You little bastard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[7e7]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

7. What do you do for fun?

[Joelberg]

I think we should raffle this off. By the way, his driver's license.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me see this thing.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, take a look. I think you'll find something on there you really like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven. Seven.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Seven.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven. And your middle name is Evan.

[7e7]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven. Evan Seven.

[Joelberg]

His father's Dr. Seuss. Now. Do you live with a fox in a box by any chance? I mean, you work at ups. You probably should. Awesome. Dude, that's like the coolest name in the world.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that is Red. Band's obsessed with the number seven.

[Joelberg]

Hold on, let me see that. You're not reading his name. You're reading his driver's license number.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It also says that you were £245.

[7e7]

I was.

[Cam Patterson]

I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What'd you do to lose the weight?

[7e7]

Just stopped eating fried chicken? Mostly.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. How does one per. How does a person with your blood flowing through you, stop eating fried chicken?

[7e7]

Takes a lot out of me. That's why I'm lighter.

[Joelberg]

You lost how much weight?

[7e7]

About 40 pounds.

[Joelberg]

That's the same weight as about seven babies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. Amazing.

[Joelberg]

Nice to have you here, Dahmer. Sex Male Cannibal. Yes. Here, put that away. It smells like your ass cracked now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you give up fried chicken cold turkey?

[Joelberg]

Whoa. I did. You really stuffed that joke in there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I let it marinate for a little bit and then I put a little dressing on it.

[7e7]

Yeah. Wasn't easy, but, I mean, you know, my girlfriend's Filipino, so I just. I eat a lot of rice now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, okay. She's Filipino, huh? Yeah.

[Joelberg]

What's her name? Filipino girls always have the most exotic.

[Sarah Weinshank]

6, 5, 4.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Big.

[Joelberg]

Did you just step on a thumbtack? Dude, what the was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what that sound means?

[Joelberg]

What's her name, bro?

[7e7]

Her name is Princess Jamaica. Princess Jamaica.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the is that?

[Joelberg]

Say Leia and round this whole thing out. Princess Leia. R2D 2C3PO. And that guy's wig.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Her actual name on her ID is Princess Jamaica.

[7e7]

Yeah, Princess Jamaica.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

COD does anybody believe you guys ever when you leave reservations anywhere, ever?

[7e7]

They believe her more. She goes by Jamaica, so.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, Princess Jamaica. By the way, a new flavor at Baskin Robbins.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, she ain't Jamaican any full size babies, that's for sure. Stupid, stupid, stupid. How'd you meet somebody with a name that's as up as your name?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, that seems kind of. That's the real question here.

[7e7]

She found me, you know, I was the. We were both in high school when we met, you know, she liked me first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah, wow.

[7e7]

Went from there.

[Joelberg]

What high school did you go to, Guy?

[7e7]

Upland High School.

[Tolu Agunblade]

What? Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A lot of alumni here.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, that's around here, I'm assuming.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, there's 15 right over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Most Kiltoni fans only make it to high school, so it's exciting that there's that many people from Upland here.

[Adam Devine]

That means a lot here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

7e7. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. You made your Kill Tony debut. Thank you, guys. The show has begun.

[Adam Devine]

Congrats 7.

[7e7]

Thank you guys so much.

[Adam Devine]

Congrats 7.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. 7e7 let's keep this fun train moving along with a very, very special treat. Ladies and gentlemen, talent here, one of the legendary regulars of the show here with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to present to you the one and only, the rabble rouser himself, Casey. Rocket,

[Brian Redban]

Sam, go. Take me to the river.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Very cool.

[Casey Rocket]

Mike. Will made it.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love that.

[Casey Rocket]

God, such a bad Boy, who cares? Jesus, such a stinker. Yeah, he pissed. Shirt dick. We're having fun. All right. Such a stinker. Yeah, I'm basically a bad boy. People call me the Al Capone of the LA comedy scene.

[Joelberg]

So.

[Casey Rocket]

Because I have untreated syphilis.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, very cool.

[Casey Rocket]

Starting to lose my touch on reality. All right, very cool. God, such a stinker.

[Cam Patterson]

Jesus.

[Casey Rocket]

Get dunked on. Dunked on Capone.

[Champ Kind]

What a world.

[Casey Rocket]

Dunkin on Capone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A Star Wars Story.

[Casey Rocket]

We're having fun.

[Heath Cordes]

All right.

[Casey Rocket]

Nobody there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Adam Devine]

God.

[Casey Rocket]

Always dunking abd.

[Darby Cash]

Always be. What?

[Casey Rocket]

Duncan, who's with me, boys, huh? That's why people call me the Dwight Howard of the LA comedy scene. So because I am secretly gay. All right, very cool. Come on now. One more. In honor of the big night, this is my impression of Ratatouille making me kill my entire family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, please don't.

[Casey Rocket]

All right, there we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'll do it. Thank you. Wow. Casey, Rocket has done it again. The boys are back. Amazing stuff.

[Joelberg]

Pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What a process.

[Adam Devine]

Ready for a special? I'd watch that.

[Joelberg]

Dude, I love this outfit. I've wondered my whole life what a. A clown looks like without its makeup.

[Casey Rocket]

Actually, they put a lot of makeup on me. I have makeup head to toe, not just the face.

[Joelberg]

Wow. I love it that they moved your pubes up to your chest.

[Casey Rocket]

They got to a experimental, but they pulled it off. Thank God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. The Dutchman's Key.

[Joelberg]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

The prophecy was true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joelberg]

What would you do if he sang out a key? Nothing. Barely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Dutchman's Key. Making a very rare appearance his entire performance. That was in his mouth.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah, I wouldn't. I would be careful with that.

[Joelberg]

Was.

[Casey Rocket]

There's no hiding. The Dutchman's Key. Yeah, there's no running from it either. It's all around us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Odd. To explain to your doctor how you got syphilis. Whoever caught that key. What's that key for? I don't think we've ever figured out. What does that key go to?

[Casey Rocket]

I've tried it on thousands of locks. I think when I'm ready, I'll find the right lock. I think the Dutchman's Key has to find you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

It's a Sword in the Stone situation.

[Joel Jimenez]

Yes.

[Joelberg]

Have you ever stuck it in the front door of an asylum?

[Adam Devine]

I'm home now.

[Casey Rocket]

Yeah. 5150 my ass. So cool. California thing, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. 5150 was. I do believe that was the name of the last comedian. So much fun. Incredible. Adam, what do you think about this guy. Have you seen Casey Rocket?

[Adam Devine]

I. I actually have before. I'm a. A huge fan. Casey, I'm not gonna lie. I was ex. I was excited to see you shimmy on out here and you did not disappoint. Thank you. It was cool to see Harlan's act done better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shots fired, toe to toe.

[Brian Redban]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey has an incredible fan base.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drake loves Casey Rocket. He dms me about him. Oh, you guys are against Drake now? How does Kendrick Lamar is also a fan of KC Rocket?

[Adam Devine]

How does Kendrick feel?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The owner of Netflix is a huge fan of KC Rocket.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The owner of YouTube is a huge fan of Casey Rocket. Casey, what do you think about all these high clientele fans that you have

[Adam Devine]

a lot of high clientele fans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Casey Rocket]

I got the Dutchman's key. I've said it many times. It's not good for basically anything physically. Mentally, it does wonders, but physically, it's very detrimental. Thank you for saying that. It's so cool to be here tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I am.

[Casey Rocket]

I am such a tremendous fan of both of you. You have been such a huge impact on my life. It's so cool to meet you guys. Truly, it really is. You guys are incredible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Look at that. Casey Rocket doing his impression of a human being there for a second.

[Joelberg]

Hey, Casey, can I ask you for real, dude? Because I love the outfit. I love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Joelberg]

When I was doing standup, when I was getting started, I'd wear crazy stuff. Where did you get it? I really, truly want to know where you got that outfit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bigger and taller.

[Casey Rocket]

I got it at Iguana thrift store and it was $200. It's very expensive, buddy. It was too much, right? I probably paid too much, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I really wanted to have it, and I think they knew that.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

I think it was a Pawn Stars thing, so I think they kind of pushed it off on me way too much.

[Joelberg]

Dude, not to bring you down, but I saw the same suit for 99 cents at Ross Dress for Less just last week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you thinking about getting it tailored? That could be one of the largest tailor jobs ever done in the history of man.

[Adam Devine]

That would cost $2,000.

[Joelberg]

Red band.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, shut up.

[Joelberg]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joelberg. Joelberg. Joelberg.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

What is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that a Steve Harvey or like, like, it seems like. Do you know what brand that suit is?

[Casey Rocket]

It's a Mr. Dunch. It's a Dungeons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, isn't that a coffee?

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Casey Rocket]

They do all kinds of stuff, Mr. Dunch. They're branching out. It's Like Beats by Dre. They make cars now.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Casey.

[Hans Kim]

It was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was good.

[Joelberg]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else before we let you go, Casey? Another amazing performance.

[Casey Rocket]

Thank you, guys. It's been so fun doing Kill Tony lately. It's been so fun, guys. So thank you for welcoming me and let me have a couple riffs. I want to thank Tony and Red

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Band and all you guys. It's been super fun.

[Casey Rocket]

Hell, yeah. Keep ripping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Casey Rocket, ladies and gentlemen. And back to the bucket we will go yet again. There he is, the man himself, Casey Rocket. Crab it out of here. Here we are with our second bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. The person getting an opportunity of a lifetime goes by the name of Tolu Agumblade. Tech Daddy Alpha as well. There's a lot going on there. Tolu Agunblade, Parentheses, Tech Daddy Alpha. So there's a lot. Here we go. Here's Tolu Agun Blade.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yo, I went to a Black Lives Matter protest to pick up white chicks. I was like, so you like niggas? Common misconception. You see a white woman with a black man and you think, oh, she's not racist, right? That's not necessarily true, though. Cause women fuck guys they hate all the time. You can't blame them for hating us, though, because men are selfish pieces of shit. You know, we want the big titties. We don't give a fuck about their back problems. You know, we're like, oh, I could put a cup on her booty. That's cause she's got scoliosis, motherfucker. That's why erastics sound like that. Speaking of which, everybody's eating ass these days. It's trending.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Y' all know eat shit used to be fighting words back in the day, you know, until the culture shifted. Now everybody's bragging about eating ass as if they deserve the Nobel Peace Prize or some shit. And that's my time, guys.

[Joelberg]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tolu Agun Balade. Am I saying that correctly? Agun Blade. Yeah, I am saying that correctly.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yes. Tolu Agun Biade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bi Ade.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Bi Ade. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Tolu Agunblade]

It's a Nigerian name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can tell. Hell, yeah.

[Adam Devine]

And I've been. I've been looking for that exact shirt. Where can I find that? I've been searching high and low, dude.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I have. I have a bunch of them in my van.

[Adam Devine]

Hook me up, man.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yeah, I. I found out I'm part Irish, so I made these for St. Patty's Day.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

And I found out I'm part Black.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From the waist down.

[Adam Devine]

No, not true.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I sold.

[Adam Devine]

Game over, man.

[Tolu Agunblade]

120 of these for St. Patty's Day. Like, we all got our dicks sucked for St. Patty's nice, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. And you think that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for the shirt?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Probably would have, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How much did the white girl that sucked your dick way exactly?

[Tolu Agunblade]

I. I do love big, beautiful women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Been.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yes, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Tolu Agunblade]

That's been 100%. 100%.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. A Nigerian delight, we call that. Yep.

[Joelberg]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the biggest woman? If you had to guess the weight of the biggest white woman that you've ever been with, what would that weight be? What would the weight of the white be?

[Tolu Agunblade]

And just like, weight of the white. Just like Mike Epps said, man, if she's too some, we can do some. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Devine]

Thanks for giving props. I appreciate that. We would have called you out if you.

[Tolu Agunblade]

But I actually found out that I like the SS BBWs.

[Adam Devine]

Do explain.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Super Saiyan BBWs. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean?

[Adam Devine]

Well, what exactly.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Super size big beautiful women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought you were gonna say.

[Adam Devine]

Seems like that's what we were talking about.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I love big booties. Like, I love those. Like, big. Those deep crevice booties. You know, the kind of could spread the ass cheeks apart and wrap around your whole pelvis and shit. Oh, that's what I'm into.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tulu.

[Adam Devine]

Can I just say I love your tolu?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Tolu? Yes.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, Tolu. Can I. Thanks for correcting me.

[Tolu Agunblade]

You got a tight butthole, bro.

[Adam Devine]

Thanks, dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Can I just say that I love everything about you?

[Tolu Agunblade]

I appreciate that.

[Adam Devine]

I like your whole attitude.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Fucking fan, bro. I love your shit.

[Joel Jimenez]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you take the butt cheeks and you spread them and climb inside of it like Luke Skywalker climbed inside of that animal to stay warm on the planet Hot and Empire Strikes Back.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I'm sorry, what'd you say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing. Harlan Williams, what do you think about Togu Agumbiane?

[Joelberg]

I just. I see that clover on your shirt, right?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yes.

[Joelberg]

And I'm thinking to suck you or you're really that lucky?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Well, you know, instead of kiss me, I'm Irish, you know, I'm part Irish, so, you know, But I'm mostly black, you know, so.

[Joelberg]

Bullshit.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Really get my dick sucked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do.

[Joelberg]

What Are you telling me you're mostly fuck black?

[David Lucas]

I'm.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I'm mostly black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

You're going to look me right in the eyes, guy. I knew this was going to be mostly black. This. I'm out of here.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, Harlan, no, Come on, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, don't leave, Harlan.

[Adam Devine]

Har.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't leave.

[Joelberg]

Come back.

[Adam Devine]

Come on, buddy.

[Joelberg]

You're black. I'm a little Vietnamese girl. How about that? Suck me, I'm Vietnamese. And that's the name of the dish I prepare in the kitchen. Suck me, I'm Vietnamese.

[Adam Devine]

I need it.

[Joelberg]

You will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Tolu, how long you been doing? Stand up.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I've been doing it seven years. Two serious years. Five. First five years was kind of like a hobby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And two serious. Where are you at?

[Adam Devine]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you. Where you live? Where do you live? What part of.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I live in Lawton, Oklahoma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Lawton, Oklahoma.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Drove 20 hours here.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you made it.

[David Lucas]

Thank you.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tolu, everybody. Amazing. When he's not in Oklahoma, you can find him at the end of a very dangerous rainbow because he's supposedly Irish.

[Joelberg]

What part of Oklahoma did you say?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Lawton, Oklahoma.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's Lawton.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, right.

[Joelberg]

Oh, yeah, that's black. Suck me country up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Facts. Are there a lot of black people there in Oklahoma? Yeah. Yeah. Are there a lot of black Irish people there in Oklahoma?

[Tolu Agunblade]

I. I'm probably the only big dick Irish man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think is the most Irish thing about you?

[Tolu Agunblade]

What's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the most Irish thing about you?

[Tolu Agunblade]

I got a temper sometimes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nigerians. Don't you ever get a temper?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Do what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do Nigerians have a temper?

[Adam Devine]

Nah, they're chill. That's the Irish in you, dude.

[Tolu Agunblade]

What's that?

[Adam Devine]

That's the Irish in you.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yeah, yeah, Nigerians.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I don't know, we just, you know, we want that account number.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, no doubt.

[Joelberg]

So wait, say your name one more time, man.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Tolu.

[Joelberg]

Okay, so that's on your father's side. So if you're half Irish, your mother's

[Tolu Agunblade]

maiden name is Primus.

[Joelberg]

Primus.

[Tolu Agunblade]

My middle name is Miller.

[Joelberg]

What your middle name is.

[Tolu Agunblade]

What name is Miller.

[Joelberg]

Miller. Okay. I don't believe that for a second. You know that Miller. When your first name is Ulala Miller. Ain't cutting it, guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does your name mean?

[Tolu Agunblade]

So,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got him. Red bands on fire on the soundboard tonight. Got him.

[Tolu Agunblade]

But you guys can call me Tech Daddy Alpha.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, That.

[Adam Devine]

I would like to call you that. Tech Daddy Alpha.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Tech Daddy Alpha.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Tolu Agunblade]

I was working at FedEx. Right now I'm Ubering. I'm. I don't want to talk about. There's going to Be like a lawsuit. But I don't. I can't really talk about it.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, this guy's the goddamn CEO.

[Tolu Agunblade]

But I got other interesting to talk about though.

[Adam Devine]

Okay, like what?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Well, I'm a cage fighter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on a second. Hold on. How many cage fights have you been in?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Probably about 30. 30 something.

[Adam Devine]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yep.

[Joelberg]

How many of you won?

[Tolu Agunblade]

Oh, well, okay, so my, my amateur record. Amateur record, 8 and 4. Pro record, 5 and 10. I've had a bunch of boxing matches, some kickboxing matches. I fought in in February. Won a fight in a minute and two seconds with the Darce Choke.

[Joelberg]

Well, that was. It was Black History Month, so

[Tolu Agunblade]

I didn't hear that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that the Mexican drummer behind you said that it was Black History Month? Which Mexican? You'll have to guess.

[Joel Jimenez]

He sees you.

[Adam Devine]

He sees you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Oh, yeah. See, my friend said if I didn't win that fight, I wouldn't be able to celebrate Black History Month. So I won. I won, so I was able to celebrate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The good news is Irish History Month month was right around the corner. Word. Word indeed. I love it. Tolu, you ever been?

[Tolu Agunblade]

I was friends with the serial killer once.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I almost got. Very good. You beat me to it on that one. You're Irish, but you're definitely not. Okay, go ahead.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Oh, I was saying, also got. Almost got shot by. By some homeless people by Creek in the Cave. In Austin.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. Who has it right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's just natural. What were you doing? You were just walking. And what happened?

[Tolu Agunblade]

So I came to the show, it was a few months ago, and we stayed at the Sheridan, so It was like 4 o' clock in the morning. I wanted to get something to eat. I went. I was going to that gas station by Creek in the Cave. And so there were two homeless people standing outside. They're obviously homeless. One didn't have a shirt on. And they were asking me for 20 bucks. And I was like, I ain't got 20 bucks. And so one of them pulled a knife out and so I pulled my pistol out and I had it right here.

[Adam Devine]

Hello, tit for tat. Hello, the Texas way.

[Tolu Agunblade]

And so, but, but the other guy, he was crazy. He was like, oh, my partner's got one too. He's like, busted. Busted. And so, you know, I'm looking at these dudes and I'm not a fucking murderer. So I just like look at them

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

and they just look like just a nice and easy. I'm a nice guy. Yeah.

[Tolu Agunblade]

And you know they guy who pulled

[Adam Devine]

out a pistol, they look.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I mean, correct myself. So, yeah, they look like, you know, homeless guys. So I just went to the store, got something to eat, and I'm walking out and they're walking up on me and I'm like, I don't want any problems. And. And the dude just pulls. He draws on me and he's. I'm just like, maybe about like far as that thing is right there. And so he had me and my reaction was to put my hand up and I said, stop. And I don't know why I thought I was Neo from the Matrix. And at the same time, just a reflex, I'm going go for my gun. But I'm too scared to actually go for it because he has a drop on me.

[Joelberg]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And plus, your hand gets caught on your giant

[Adam Devine]

your wrapped around it.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yeah, it's. It's the safety. It's the safety. So anyway, luckily there was a cop driving by. So he puts his up and I left.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Black guy, get on the ground. Arrest you.

[Tolu Agunblade]

I came and signed up the next week though, because, you know, a police

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

officer saw your shirt and he's like, wait, are you Irish?

[Adam Devine]

And then he gets on the knees. He can't help it, he reads it and sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, tolu agun biade AKA Tech Daddy Alpha. Congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. Massive show.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Thank you very much.

[Adam Devine]

Great to meet you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very fun.

[Adam Devine]

Good job, Buck. Buddy, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's do something fun. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to introduce one of the greatest regular, one of the first regulars and greatest regulars in the history of the show. This young lady was. We had no idea what we were doing with this show when we built it, but this young lady had to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Eleven years ago, she's back for a very special, special performance. This is a brand new minute from the great Sarah Weinshank, everybody. What's up?

[Sarah Weinshank]

I think gender fluid sounds like another name for cumming. I feel like there probably aren't too many murder mystery dinners in Compton. Nobody's talking about it, but food is gendered. Like, if you're a man, I don't want to see you eating a cupcake. If you can't handle a full piece of cake, you do not deserve good pussy. And if you're a straight man, I don't want to see you eating string cheese. It's the gayest way that a straight man could ever eat cheese. What are you doing? Slice into a block of cheddar with A knife like a man. I went to my first strip club recently and I loved it because it was the exact same sensation as going to the duck park. And the ducks only like you when you have bread. And there's one ugly duck trying to get all of your bread. Like there's other ducks here too. There's a lot of similarities between a duck park and a strip club. For example, if you kidnap a duck, no one does anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck yeah. Sarah weinshank. Unbelievable. Minute 45 seconds from the person who was the first to have this crazy job. A hot 45, 11 years ago. Absolutely incredible. Sarah, I love that you still have that wacky style of taking little things well enunciated. Very clear to understand. Great timing. What'd you guys think about Sarah Weinschenk?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, she was great. I do take a little offense when you said like guys can't eat string cheese. Well, you can, but then you're gay. But the way I eat it and I think it it because I'm not stripping it off, I deep throat the string cheese. So I think that makes me a straight heterosexual man.

[Sarah Weinshank]

That makes you even more gay.

[Kim Congdon]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about this?

[Adam Devine]

Not the way you set up that joke.

[Casey Rocket]

No, it doesn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I take it. I take it and I spit on it and I shove it up my ass.

[Adam Devine]

Even straighter, Tony. Even straighter.

[Sarah Weinshank]

That's the straightest way to eat it.

[Adam Devine]

Straightest way to eat that cheese.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan Williams. You like a good piece of gorgonzola? Every once in a while you like

[Adam Devine]

to chor gonna gogonzola.

[Joelberg]

I actually grill my string cheese. It takes forever, but I'm sort of distracted a little. My tender, tender love. By your giant ring? You have a big like kind of Dracula esque ring on your finger. Can you tell me a little bit of the history of that. That heirloom, where it comes from, what the significance is to you and your family and what it means to you personally. And I don't really give a anymore. No. Tell me about that ring. That is a beauty. I'm sort of like hypnotized by it a little.

[Sarah Weinshank]

Well, first of all, I love an accessory, so thank you for noticing.

[Joelberg]

You're welcome.

[Sarah Weinshank]

It's from this brand, German Kabirski. They sent me all of my rings. Shout out to them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. That's indeed a good shout out. And you're Jewish, so you like free shit?

[Nicole Tran]

I do.

[Sarah Weinshank]

More rings, please.

[Joelberg]

But does it mean anything? Like, is there any symbolic meaning? Because it's so elaborate, it's almost like A hood ornament. It's huge. Like, is there any significance? Any. Any meaning? Am I gonna have to ask you any more times?

[Adam Devine]

Make something up. Harlan won't stop. Make something up.

[Sarah Weinshank]

It's a family heirloom.

[Adam Devine]

Thank you.

[Sarah Weinshank]

It was gifted to me from my Jewish dead grandmother who was a Holocaust survivor. Harlem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Adam Devine]

Wow.

[Joelberg]

The minute I saw it. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Still not over that, huh? No. My goodness. Incredible.

[Darby Cash]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you get that?

[Joelberg]

Schindler's ring. Holy fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you get it from. From her. She was able to keep it during the Holocaust. She was just out there balling while people are looking for grass to eat.

[Sarah Weinshank]

Totally.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. She was dishing out favors to the guards.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She got a. I think she might

[Hans Kim]

have hid it in her attic.

[Joelberg]

Ooh, it's her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sarah, you're so funny. So awesome. Everybody loves you. You're a killer. I'm so proud of you and your growth. And congratulations on making another appearance on Kiltoni. Thank you for coming.

[Sarah Weinshank]

Thank you for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the first regulars ever.

[Adam Devine]

Great job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There she goes. Sarah Weinshang. We're going to keep it moving along right now with the golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. You guys like golden ticket winners? You know this young man very well. You were there right after he lost his virginity. He's 21 years old, but he doesn't look it. This is a brand new minute from golden ticket winner Heath Cordes.

[Heath Cordes]

I. I had a bad dream last night where I was being chased by Ronald McDonald and I had to change my undies when I woke up

[Casey Rocket]

because

[Heath Cordes]

of all the cum. I didn't go through puberty when I was supposed to, so I took tee shots to get my balls working just a little bit. And it's terrible. Yeah. Puberty lied. Puberty told me that I would break five feet, get a deep voice and get some muscles, but all I got was some acne, public erections, and a mustache inside my asshole. I was at an open mic last night. I was gonna try something new, and I almost got scared and didn't. But then I remembered if something scares you, that means you should do it. So I tried it. And now I have a coke habit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Heath Cordes. Hey, I bet your coke, I can't even imagine. Did you really try cocaine?

[Adam Devine]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'd be a dangerous little coke doer.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wouldn't even have to lean over the coffee table. You could just walk right up to it.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah. No one notices when I take it from their pockets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are adorable. I've never Seen anyone's lanyard go all the way to their before?

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. You are truly your own self right now, Heath. Amazing. You were the West Hollywood bear on Friday. Here you are doing a set tonight.

[Heath Cordes]

Put a little twink in a bear costume.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. $25 on Amazon.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah. It was nice. It fit well. I think it was made for children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. Yeah, it was. I selected ages 10 to 11.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah, it was very snug, but in a good way. I felt warm and cuddly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Adam Devine]

So you wore. I'm sorry, I'm catching up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He wore a little baby bear costume on Friday in the big arena.

[Darby Cash]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Came out.

[Heath Cordes]

I looked very good in it. I pulled it off.

[Adam Devine]

Sure you did, Heath.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah. I don't feel like you believe me, Adam.

[Adam Devine]

I believe you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Joelberg]

People just probably thought you escaped from Build a Bear or something like that.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. They're like, wait, I just. I built him on a date.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Heath Cordes]

I got the same birth certificate from Build a Bear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harland, have you ever seen anything quite as adorable as a Heath Cord is?

[Joelberg]

Well, it's like if Meet the Robinsons could come to life. This is it right here. I love you. How old are you guys?

[Heath Cordes]

I'm 21.

[Joelberg]

21. What's the tat? Most.

[Adam Devine]

I saw that.

[Heath Cordes]

This is no half measures. It's from Breaking Bad. It's a really good episode.

[Joelberg]

So you put an episode name?

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah, I got it when I was 18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Holy. I hate to tell you, but you're only 12, so something's not working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he got the tattoo from the future father. Amazing. Heath, how else you been celebrating this weekend? Is this your first time in la?

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah, I'm in Pauly Shore's house. That's neat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah. That's cool.

[Adam Devine]

He's collecting them all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Paulie's out of town and he let this fucking absolute gang of insane. How about a hand for Pauly Shore getting a producer credit on this episode for housing literally the world's weirdest episode of the Real World ever. Just five insane people with a mansion that gets to do whatever they want. I saw Canton Patterson rolling up there yesterday with a. With a. They had pillows that they stole from the hotel next door. So some type of pillow fight or something like that. Anything can happen. Perhaps they were using it to silence the guns that those people like to shoot. Anyway, Heath, can I ask you.

[Joelberg]

And this is for real because you got the look, you got. Got the L is. I don't even know what roulette but have you ever been an altar boy, my guy? Have you ever.

[Heath Cordes]

It's a profession I never got to try out.

[Joelberg]

Okay, it's coming.

[Adam Devine]

Too bad, cuz. You would have shined.

[Heath Cordes]

I know.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, you would have shined.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Absolutely incredible.

[Joelberg]

Do you ever just wander into like a. Like a junior school and pretend you're one of the kids? Like, you ever just wander?

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah, I get free lunch. It's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Really?

[Adam Devine]

It's like that movie Never Been Kissed with Drew Barrymore. She just went to high school. You could go right back. Yeah, but to elementary school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Do you drive, buddy? Do you drive?

[Heath Cordes]

No, I don't. Not right now. I gotta get a car.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, you're gonna get. I think there's some Tonkas on sale down at the mall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little power wheels.

[Joelberg]

I mean, you would lit. Look, guy, everyone knows you looked young. It's great. But you'd get pulled over every like seven miles, right? They think, there goes a nine year old in a Prius.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah, I drove for like a few years. It didn't happen that much. It was weird.

[Joelberg]

Oh, so you did drive.

[Heath Cordes]

But I. I don't right now.

[Joelberg]

So. Look, this is fascinating to me because. Holy. You look like my sister's daughter. What? What? What's the interaction when the cop pulls you over? They come up to the window. They. They see you sitting there playing with your Lego. And what do they say?

[Heath Cordes]

They. I've never been pulled over.

[Joelberg]

Oh, you haven't?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Heath Cordes]

No.

[Joelberg]

Have you broken any laws at all?

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Like what?

[Heath Cordes]

I ran a red light and I crashed my car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what?

[Joelberg]

So how did you have a car pulled over? But you rammed someone?

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah, he pulled himself over. That was the first time I ever got a ticket.

[Joelberg]

No way.

[Adam Devine]

And what did the cop say when he found you laying on the side of the road?

[Heath Cordes]

I immediately gave him my license. That way I didn't go to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, fair.

[Joelberg]

Dude, the airbag must have just swallowed you alive.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Wow. Were you frightened? Did you shit your diaper, your pants?

[Heath Cordes]

I did, yeah. I shit my diapey.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, yeah. Typey. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Harland is hard as a rock right now. Heath, you did it again. So much fun. Everybody loves you. Golden ticket winner, Heath Quarters.

[Joelberg]

Way to go, guy.

[Adam Devine]

Funny stuff, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, this show started in Los Angeles. Next month will be 11 years in a row. And it started in a tiny room with 16 people, maybe in minute. So I figured, why not do something special? Let's go back to back, golden ticket winners here tonight. I'm gonna bring out another One, perhaps one of the strongest ever to be awarded a golden ticket. Many years ago in Washington, D.C. here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yeah, here he comes. Oh, yeah. Wobbledy, wobbledy, wap. Drop it like it's hot.

[Joelberg]

Martin Phillips.

[Hans Kim]

What's going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, la.

[Hans Kim]

Shut that up. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

At one minute.

[Hans Kim]

Anyway, I've been looking for a side chick, but I have to find the main chick first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay? Okay.

[Hans Kim]

I like to dance, but when I dance, people think I'm having a seizure. But then. But anyway, I'm having a seizure, people think I'm dancing. It's a predicament. A gay man told me I had a nice ass, so I can say that my ass is gay, man. Approved, not tested. Not there yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, What a pro. Exactly one minute on the dot. Incredible. I love this new look you have, Martin. This is like fear and limping in Las Vegas.

[Hans Kim]

This is LA. Martini, LA Martini.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Hans Kim]

It's actually cold as shit here. Yeah, I did not break a jacket.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is, for those of you that don't know, he has cerebral palsy. And for the first time tonight, he's also blind. Obviously, this is exciting.

[Hans Kim]

Madness.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're like cp. Madness stands for cerebral palsy. For those of you that don't have a whole slew of medically challenged friends like I do, and Paulie Shore's house does. Right? Now, imagine they're all staying at Paulie's.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I'm not.

[Adam Devine]

Hotel Paulie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I love it. So, guys, your first time seeing Martin Phillips?

[Joelberg]

That's my first time, man. Good job, dude. And what inspired the outfit? Like, I love the Magnum PI Kind of thing.

[Adam Devine]

You're coming to la?

[Joelberg]

So you're not from here, my guy? Where are you from, my guy?

[Hans Kim]

We're looking for Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Joelberg]

Virginia.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, Virginia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Joelberg]

What street?

[Hans Kim]

Oh, out of the way, out of the way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No way.

[Joelberg]

What number? Donnie.

[Adam Devine]

Whoa. I think he's trying to fuck you, Harley.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude. Amazing. So, so fun. Oh, red band. A little bit late on that one.

[Joelberg]

Wait, so is this your first time to laugh?

[Hans Kim]

No, I've been here before, but it's been a couple of years.

[Joelberg]

What were you doing when you're here last time?

[Hans Kim]

I got another just hanging around. I did some mics and. Yeah, I'm Salt Outlet.

[Joelberg]

Did you get down to the beach? Did you go down to the beach?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Heroin, needles and stuff.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, yeah. It's not all.

[Joelberg]

Course.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Yeah. What'd you do at the beach, my guy?

[Adam Devine]

You're saying my guy.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, go, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hung out at the pier, you know.

[Joelberg]

You know you're out at the pier.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, my guy.

[Joelberg]

Holy.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, bro.

[Joelberg]

What you see out at the pier? My guy.

[Adam Devine]

My guy.

[Hans Kim]

It's not a guy, it's my guy. Hey, my guy.

[Joelberg]

Don't you my guy me. My guy.

[Hans Kim]

Ah, okay, buddy.

[Darby Cash]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Okay, look, let's get the UFC fighter back out of here, man. Yeah, get in the cage, Harlen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I order some my Tai guys for my guys?

[Adam Devine]

Are you picking on this guy?

[Joelberg]

My guy? Picking on my guy? This guy called me buddy. My guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my guy.

[Adam Devine]

It feels like you're picking on my guy over there.

[Joelberg]

Magnum. My guy over here.

[Hans Kim]

I thought we're all guys here. I thought you're all my guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, my guys. Let's get it together.

[Joelberg]

Maybe we should all go to West Hollywood and be a bunch of my guys over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I think that would make us a bunch of guys.

[Joelberg]

Those are your guys, Dr. Pepper. So I. I missed it. What'd you see out on the pier? Because there's people fishing, there's birds. You see whales.

[Hans Kim]

I saw all that. Yeah.

[Joelberg]

So everything I just said, you saw it. Did you see a giraffe?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about that?

[Hans Kim]

It was insane.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So when you come to la, I

[Adam Devine]

always wonder when people come to la, it sucks way harder than they think it. It will, right?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I guess.

[Joel Jimenez]

All right.

[Joelberg]

Did you go to the wax museum, my guy?

[Adam Devine]

No.

[Hans Kim]

Well, I went to the cemetery. You might get.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, you went to the cemetery at the Hollywood. They're just as stiff there as they are at the wax museum.

[Adam Devine]

The other. The other cemetery. The wax museum.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really went to the cemetery?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's great graves. Did you see?

[Hans Kim]

Oh, it's got. They don't give you a map, so you don't know what the fuck. You can't find it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus. There's probably somebody out there. Somebody out there is like, oh, my God. One of the. One of there's a zombie out there alive right now. One of them. Oh, my God. Honey, look way out there. One of them undug himself.

[Joelberg]

Did you see any celebrity graves when you're at the graveyard? My guy.

[Hans Kim]

My guy. I saw that guy. The voice of Bugs Bunny. That guy.

[Joelberg]

Oh, Mel Blank.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That guy.

[Joelberg]

Oh, wow. Yeah, I was there two weeks ago as a meatloaf grave. I drizzled gravy all over.

[Hans Kim]

I didn't know he was buried there.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, meatloaf's buried.

[Adam Devine]

I didn't know he was dead.

[Joelberg]

Yeah. All you got to do is sniff. You'll go right to his grave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Meatloaf's dead. Really? He's good, man. I gotta catch up to your jokes over here about meatloaf.

[Joelberg]

Hey, easy. My guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Meatloaf.

[Adam Devine]

My guy.

[Joelberg]

My guy. Would you get a tramp stamp of my guy on the back? Be honest.

[Hans Kim]

We have. All my guys have to do it together.

[Joelberg]

We have to do it together.

[Hans Kim]

All my guys. All guys.

[Joelberg]

Why don't we. Well, there's five of us. Why don't we just get a tattoo of five guys? The burger joint.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Down with that. It's a great idea.

[Joelberg]

My five guys. How about that, guys? Catch me outside. How about that? Catch me outside. How about that?

[Adam Devine]

Harlan's always quick with those topical references.

[Joelberg]

Catch me outside, my guy. How about that? Catch me outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on.

[Adam Devine]

With that hot topical heat from 11 years ago,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin Phillips. So much fucking fun. Anything else you want to say or do up here?

[Darby Cash]

I don't know.

[Hans Kim]

Just thanks for having me, you know.

[Tolu Agunblade]

There you go.

[Adam Devine]

Really funny dude. Great job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know him, you love him. There he goes. Martin Phillips. Back to the bucket we go.

[Adam Devine]

Great job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Section 104, row VC3. Make some noise for Dane Anthony. Ladies and gentlemen, Dane Anthony. Here we go. Dane Anthony is Heidi. And here comes Dane, I'm sure right behind her. Here's Dane, everybody.

[Owen Parker]

What's up?

[Joel Jimenez]

Theater full of people. I have a pretty fun dad. He was a stripper. Anyone else? No one's dad. Show dong. It is pretty weird finding out your dad was a stripper because I thought he just had a lot of jobs. He was a firefighter. He was a cowboy. He was cheating on my mom. I should have known he was a stripper, though. He made it pretty obvious. Every time he gave me my allowance, he made it rain on me. We didn't have a timeout corner. He just put me in a cage and made me go. Go dance. I knew I was the only. I knew something was wrong when I was the only kid at school with. Snap away, khak. All right, that's my time. Thank you, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly one minute. Dane Anthony. Hello. Step up here, Dane. Hello. How long you been doing stand up?

[7e7]

A year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A year. One of the funniest lesbian comedians we've ever met.

[7e7]

For real?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible.

[Joelberg]

Like a lesbian potter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

When your dad retired from stripping, did he join the Village People?

[Joel Jimenez]

Yeah. No, he did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another very topical reference. Village people. 45 years it's been since their last.

[Adam Devine]

He's on fire, dude.

[Joelberg]

Got to get back to the Future.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Joelberg]

How about that Rubik's Cube? Isn't that thing fun? Anybody

[Adam Devine]

who's with that light bright?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. The Wheel. Has anybody tried this new thing? The Wheel. Okay, Dane. One year. You live in la?

[Joel Jimenez]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live with your parents?

[Joel Jimenez]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Joel Jimenez]

27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Joel Jimenez]

I don't have a job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do last?

[Joel Jimenez]

I sold weed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How do you lose that job? Exactly? Explain to all of these people wearing dodger hats how they could be one bad, bad sell away? I had.

[Joel Jimenez]

I had to move back in with my mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just asked you if you lived with your parents and you said no.

[Joel Jimenez]

No, it was last year.

[Adam Devine]

So when you sold weed. Cuz that seems like a. A thing that doesn't happen anymore. Did you sell weed at like a medman or.

[Joel Jimenez]

Yeah, it was through a company. It was like a delivery service.

[Adam Devine]

Hell yeah. So thank you for your service.

[Brian Redban]

Ah.

[Joelberg]

So if you don't work and you're living with your mom, I'm guessing your mom.

[Joel Jimenez]

I live with my girlfriend.

[Joelberg]

So your mom's your girlfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's hot. What does your girlfriend do for work?

[Joel Jimenez]

She works for the Red Cross.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, the Red Cross.

[Joelberg]

Does she drive blood around?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Holy fuck. She ever get in a car accident and there's blood everywhere? In 1973.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she is supporting you at the moment?

[Joel Jimenez]

Yes, I am looking for a job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you qualified for? What can you be good at. Other than selling weed? What else have you done in your 27 years on planet Earth?

[Joel Jimenez]

I worked in restaurants. My dad had a restaurant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, that was in la, in the Bay area. All right. Okay. Okay.

[Joelberg]

What was it? What kind of food? My guy.

[Brian Redban]

Guy.

[Joel Jimenez]

It was. It was like a. It was a pub and restaurant. Like a.

[Joelberg]

Like one of those British, like the Upside down Seahorse Clit or something?

[Joel Jimenez]

Yeah, he renamed it to our last name. Delaney. So it was Delaney's Pub and Grill.

[Joelberg]

So it was an Irish pub?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Any black guys sucking inside?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, well, I don't think the black guy was sucking. I don't think he was sucking and.

[Joelberg]

Oh, I think he bends over and sucks it a lot.

[Adam Devine]

I'm glad you said it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Joelberg]

So what kind of food did you serve? Irish pub. What'd you have? Shepherd's pie. My guy. And what else?

[Adam Devine]

Oh my.

[Joel Jimenez]

They had. They had these really good funnel cake fries.

[Joelberg]

Oh wow.

[Joel Jimenez]

It was delicious.

[Joelberg]

That was the only thing we threw them.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, the way you whispered it.

[Owen Parker]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Just kind of eerie. You ever go to Stephen King's house in the Middle of the night and rub his tits. You will. You will.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it wasn't that long ago that you went by Ellen Page. And now it's.

[Joelberg]

Wait, what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know Harlan doesn't get it because it's a three year old reference. There was that actress named Ellen Page. She transitioned into Elliot Page. And this is.

[Joelberg]

He's a great guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Elliot. She is. She is my guy.

[Adam Devine]

She. Yeah, she is my guy.

[Joelberg]

My guy. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever. Have you ever thought about transitioning? Cuz you're so close to the middle. It's only like a. It's a small step.

[Joel Jimenez]

I thought it would be a lot cheaper.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's one small.

[Joel Jimenez]

Almost there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Okay.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. What. What. What else. What do you do for fun? You seem like the kind of guy that likes playing chess against himself.

[Joel Jimenez]

Yeah, it's kind of the kind of

[Adam Devine]

guy that owns a skateboard but never steps on it. That's right. I got it.

[Joel Jimenez]

I like to. I like to take mushrooms and go on walks. That's what I've been doing lately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Any.

[Adam Devine]

Any man of the people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any chance you walked by cemetery area yesterday and thought you saw a fucking zombie walking around? You're like, no, I just have to be tripping my balls off because that can't possibly be. What do you do when you walk?

[Joel Jimenez]

I like to lightly stalk people. Like not with like malicious intent. No, just. I'll just like follow people for a while. They'll. They kind of dictate my journey. Just wherever I end up.

[Joelberg]

You ever halfway murder someone?

[Joel Jimenez]

No, I. I usually commit. So like, if I am I doing it, I'm doing.

[Joelberg]

So you marry them and then kill them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

I like that. I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? I mean, your girl is paying your rent, she's fully supporting you. I'd imagine you're stuck eating all the time.

[Adam Devine]

Oh yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And always putting the toilet seat back down, but. Anything else in the bedroom?

[Adam Devine]

Dana's dropping in from the ceiling fan if I know anything about Dane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You ever have trouble finding her Golden Snitch?

[Joel Jimenez]

No, I'm pretty good at it. We've been dating for eight years now, so I'm familiar with the territory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What's a special move that you do? Well, lately.

[Joel Jimenez]

Not lately. I've known this my whole life. So my penis is curved, but it curves down, which makes it perfect thick to hit the G spot.

[Adam Devine]

That's not.

[Joelberg]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The G spot. Yeah, it's not. That's actually the opposite. Yeah, you're Going the wrong direction.

[Joelberg]

Yeah. Can you believe it? This guy's got no job and he has a Bentley me.

[Adam Devine]

See you actually, you gotta her like upside down. That's kind of acrobatic down.

[Joel Jimenez]

So it hits the top spot, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Adam Devine]

Sadly, I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the. The base of his penis, because it's like that is crushing the top.

[Joelberg]

If you stuck it in a glory hole at the Shell station, would come around and slap you in your own face. He's laughing because he knows, right? My guy.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, my guy over here knows that it's the Shell station.

[Joelberg]

Oh, yes. Stall five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How hard is the bend on this? Can you show us with a, like your hand or your fingers or something? What's the arc? Whoa. Oh, my God. That is quite the dip. Wow.

[Joelberg]

That's full on flamingo right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Are you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you guys. You guys got bent dicks like to the left or the right or like,

[Joel Jimenez]

what up or down?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stick with the soundboard red band.

[Adam Devine]

He sneaks in with the hard hitting questions.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, this one's for the panel. Jesus Christ.

[Cam Patterson]

No, my.

[Adam Devine]

My dick bends the regular way. Yeah, kind of up.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Joelberg]

Mine bends backwards if I sit down. It's fucking illegal, by the way. I see you have a tattoo on your arm there. Just a little one. Like, what is that? That fascinates me.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know.

[Joel Jimenez]

This was the only one I regret. I have a couple more. I don't. I don't know what it is. I don't know why I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't know what it is?

[Joel Jimenez]

No, it was like a Friday the 13th, like, special thing. They have like a what? Like, tattoo shops every, like Friday the 13th. They have like a selection of tattoos that you can get for cheap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Joel Jimenez]

And so it was just. It was a mistake. That's what it was.

[Joelberg]

Well, what is it? What's the image?

[Adam Devine]

I don't know.

[Joel Jimenez]

I like to think it's like the. The flower clouds from spongebob. That's what I think.

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Joelberg]

Okay. Yikes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dane Anthony, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. I'm gonna save you before all of Los Angeles turns on you. There he goes.

[Adam Devine]

I like you, Dane. Keep it up, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dane Anthony.

[Adam Devine]

Dan Anthony. Get on that skateboard, bud.

[Joelberg]

Take a wide left on your way out. Bent dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show to perform a brand new minute. You know him, you love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and Only the great and powerful Cam Patterson. Here he is, everybody. Oh,

[Cam Patterson]

They pulled their titties out. Y' all ain't see it. I. All right, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank y'.

[Kim Congdon]

All.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank y' all so much. I don't. I don't really have too much plan for the night, but I do have notes. I have things I've been working on. One thing I've been thinking about is Joe Biden. I don't know what he does,

[Brian Redban]

but

[Cam Patterson]

I know they just make that just sign random. Cuz he recently just signed a bill that made lynching a hate crime. I think it's a little late for that, you know what I'm saying? Another thing that I've been thinking about, I recently went to a graduation and I think college is the biggest scam of all time. Yeah. And I don't know if you know this or not, but some colleges are making like, special ed people paid to go to college. And that's the biggest finesse to me I've ever seen in my life. Like what they finna major in finger painted?

[Joelberg]

And what.

[Cam Patterson]

What they. What they mind. They're gonna be friendship. I don't know. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did it again.

[David Lucas]

I guess they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's been a long, fun weekend for Cam Patterson here in Los Angeles. So much so that he's wearing his pajamas right now.

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, that's it.

[Adam Devine]

You dialed it way down for.

[Heath Cordes]

For this show.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, let me tell you something. First of all.

[David Lucas]

Hold up.

[Cam Patterson]

Give me a second. I. I only wear a pacific type of white T shirt, and I didn't pack enough. And then I ain't want to put no dirty one on, so I was like, it. I just wear a tank top. I look good. You feel what I'm saying?

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know if you peep. They was showing me they tennis over there.

[Brian Redban]

Do it again.

[Adam Devine]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[David Lucas]

See?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It tastes amazing. How unbelievable that is true.

[Cam Patterson]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Get that on the you secret job. Get that on the halo cam there, Anthony.

[Cam Patterson]

I'mma do this all the time now, man.

[Joelberg]

Oh, dude, if you need help, I know a guy that's selling green shirts with a black clover on it.

[Adam Devine]

I think you deserve one of those.

[Cam Patterson]

I need. I need one. I ain't average, but them white can suck my dick. I'll take that. Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. I'm excited, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. It's like a chicken or the egg. I mean, it's like.

[Joelberg]

Have you ever seen girls, like pull their. Their hooters out like that before?

[Cam Patterson]

No, but I love It.

[Joelberg]

You love it.

[Joel Jimenez]

Have you.

[Joelberg]

Talk to me. Talk me through it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever heard a man use the word hooters for boobs fees before? Cam. Cam. What are you, 24? 25?

[Adam Devine]

Teleported 1983.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. That's unreal. Hoodas over there, very excited.

[Hans Kim]

I took

[Adam Devine]

from section 203.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I took the locomotive here to see some hooters. Did you see those mammaries?

[Cam Patterson]

Memories was crazy. Why you call titties that, man?

[David Lucas]

Titties.

[Joelberg]

Titties.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, titties.

[Joelberg]

You don't say Hooters.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell no. I know it's a restaurant called Hooters. Did you invent that?

[Joelberg]

No, but I have seen owls living in your hair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What did you call the rest of what the am.

[David Lucas]

I called.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you call the restaurant?

[Cam Patterson]

It's called Hoodas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huda.

[Joelberg]

Hooters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who the said that? Hey, I want some wing. Let's go to huda.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what it's called.

[Brian Redban]

Huda.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, that's not. That's not what it's called.

[Nicole Tran]

Stop.

[Adam Devine]

Well, there's a T in there for sure.

[David Lucas]

That's what.

[Cam Patterson]

That's what the. I was saying hoodas you sounds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sounds like a d. Okay, maybe I'm

[Cam Patterson]

not saying it right. I look good on this camera.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Adam Devine]

dude, I. I caught yourself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got your.

[Adam Devine]

I caught you looking at yourself when you walked out. You did like a half flex. You didn't fully commit to the flex.

[Cam Patterson]

I can lie. I'm still like a little. You feel. I'm still a little buff.

[Hans Kim]

A little bit.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm talking about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I.

[Cam Patterson]

Look, he said what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on now, man. Believable. So how Irish are you exactly?

[Cam Patterson]

Not a. Not a lick. I'm 100% black, man. To my court, Absolutely.

[Joelberg]

What street.

[Cam Patterson]

What the did that even mean?

[Adam Devine]

It's not how that works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's everything been going? What were you in that posse doing taking pillows up to Paulie's house last night?

[Cam Patterson]

You said what the. What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was your. What was you and your crew doing with pillows?

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, no.

[Brian Redban]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, my dog, Bobby Brown Jr. Was staying in the hotel with me. You know what I'm saying? Cause he, like a homeless, and. And he was staying with me, and we were going to San Diego kind of show in San Diego. And he took the. They over there, Hell yeah. Shout out San Diego. And I had someone in San Diego and he took the pillows from the hotel to the car. Cause he wanted to sleep in the car. He's a thief, man. Yeah, I keep a couple thieves with me at all times. I feel like I'm at home still. You feel what I'm saying? You got to. I was in the All Star game today. The Netflix game.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What sport?

[Cam Patterson]

Basketball.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You play basketball today?

[Cam Patterson]

I'm fucking the best nigga. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell, Yeah. I scored 35 points. Don't ask nobody else about that, but

[Adam Devine]

I scored 35, I would assume.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many steals did you have? Am I right? Am I right? Because of the color of his skin.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't get no steals.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nobody believes you. I got three wallets, four rebounds, and 35 points. Cam, what's going on? What else is going on?

[Adam Devine]

My.

[Cam Patterson]

My tour just started. My first date was in temple and. You ever, like, root for yourself before?

[Adam Devine]

Yes.

[Cam Patterson]

You have?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Okay. I.

[Cam Patterson]

That was crazy. That was very fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, some.

[Adam Devine]

Well, I gotta worry about getting canceled, so.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Adam Devine]

No, I haven't.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, I took.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I had like, a cam. Unlike many of our guests and friends, Adam actually works in showbiz.

[Joelberg]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

not the Netflix. No, he's on hbo, Right?

[Adam Devine]

I am, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The HBO sound. Yeah, that's much better.

[Adam Devine]

Well, and also Netflix I know you guys hate, but. But, you know, I started on YouTube, so.

[Joelberg]

Here we are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go. Started from the. Started from the bottom. Now we're here.

[Adam Devine]

Back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm back, baby. Yeah, but.

[Adam Devine]

Sorry, go ahead, Cam.

[Cam Patterson]

Now, I had. I had a 4pm show and I had. I took a NyQuil when I thought I was taking a day Quill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Cam Patterson]

And so I was just in Tampa, sleepy as fuck on stage, and my friends gave me like the worst about it. My daughter was like, what you gotta do is take a day Quill to bounce out the night Quill.

[Joelberg]

And you'll be fine.

[Cam Patterson]

And that wasn't a good idea. Then one of my other friends who sell drug, do some cocaine, that was the other existent. And then my homeboy had. My homeboy had one of the worst idea ever heard in my life. He told me, go to the bathroom, be your meat. Don't finish. And so I just went on stage with a hard dick. And sleepy as

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

that was it, you know, I just.

[Adam Devine]

I thought all that was pretty good advice, honestly. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, Cam, I'm looking at it, at the audience, and there's a guy with a big smile on his face. He looks very proud. I know him. I know him well. Makes noise for his father. Kenny Patterson there in the green shirt. Stand up, Kenny. Take a bow. There he is, live in the flesh. Look at him. The world's largest bad speller.

[Joelberg]

Put a black clover on that shirt. Put a black clover on that shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right behind the titty girl. Girls too, for some. Oh, yeah. He's got the best seats in the house. My guess is he wasn't sitting there until he pulled their titties out.

[Cam Patterson]

Show my dad's old titties.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that sounds like an order. There they go, right? Oh, my God. This is Kill Tony Live. Right now we're getting word both the YouTube you. We are cancelled by both YouTube and Netflix. Netflix right now. So this is great to be at the YouTube Theater at the Netflix Festival. We come to LA just to get in trouble.

[Adam Devine]

How fun the power you wield, Cam. My God, this is great.

[Cam Patterson]

Come on, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? You know what I think, Kenny Patterson? Since they showed you theirs, I think you should show them your titties right now. How about that? Oh, don't do anything. Oh, don't do it. Oh. Oh, no. He waved. He waved it off. I wanted to see it. He waved it off. Off.

[Cam Patterson]

Nah. That would have been crazy, though. Not on national television.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Dude, we gotta. One of these days we're gonna get your dad on this stage so that people can see his feet.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. It is one of the scary that's

[Cam Patterson]

gonna get you banned from YouTube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, his feet gonna get.

[Cam Patterson]

Not all this crazy. Not titties, none of that. My daddy feet gonna get you banned from YouTube.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No doubt about it. No doubt. But we love them. One more time for Kenny Patters person, everybody. Yeah. Yeah. On the road. Literally, literally sells rocks for a living, but actual rocks. His merch is rocks. You really can't stop looking at yourself.

[Cam Patterson]

I look, bro. Come on.

[Adam Devine]

Got hot boy syndrome.

[Cam Patterson]

Got down.

[Brian Redban]

When I get like, really in shape,

[Cam Patterson]

I'm gonna be taking the white hole down. You have no idea.

[Hans Kim]

You don't.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm gonna pick me a big up. Real shit.

[Joelberg]

The people from San Diego love you, man.

[Cam Patterson]

I love them. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

You know why they love you? You know why they love you? Because SeaWorld's down there and they think you're Free Willy up here. How about that?

[Brian Redban]

How about this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harley, you.

[Cam Patterson]

I thought I was gonna be better. I didn't know what else to say to that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam, you're the man, dude.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, you too, Cam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the. Everybody loves you. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. And he's done it again with another brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, Cam Patterson. Patterson. Back to the bucket we go. Oh. Oh. Wow. Wow.

[Adam Devine]

The good job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got. You got some for me? I want those. You're gonna make it. You made them for Cam and not me. Get this guy the out of here. You could have just given him to me. He would have stolen them anyway. All right. So nice for Heidi, everybody. For the love of all of America. She's like a superhero. She is a superhero. She is funny, smart, cool. If she was a dude, I would the out of her. Okay, no laugh on that. That's just. It's so sad. All right, make some noise for your next bucket pool. 60 seconds uninterrupted. We're going to meet him all together. Make some noise for Owen Parker, everybody. Owen Parker. I still can't believe there was a guy named seven seven on earlier. You guys still having fun out there?

[Owen Parker]

I work at a warehouse. There's a lot of safety rules. No distractions. You can't be on your phone. But recently, my company hired someone who happens to be deaf in hr. We can have a deaf guy wandering around the warehouse, but I can't listen to music on the job. I actually wrote a complaint about that to hr. My complaint went completely unheard. Earlier today, I saw a video of a blind girl playing basketball, and when she shot her free throw, somebody had to tap on the backboard with a stick so she could echo locate where the net was, you know, like a dolphin. And when she made the shot, the whole crowd went nuts. They cheered for her. But they could have cheered if she missed, right? I'd like to point out that the blind girl was shooting a free throw. That means somebody fouled the blind girl. I'm not the bad guy here. I just rather see that video, you know? All right, that's my time, you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay. They clapped at that. Very interesting. All right, all right, relax. I. If I start it, that's it. That's not fun. Oh, and welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand up?

[Owen Parker]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years. How long have you been answering the door at haunted houses?

[Owen Parker]

Did work at a haunted maze, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did?

[Owen Parker]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Owen Parker]

You're always spot on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I really. I really feel haunted. The vibes coming from you. Adam, what do you think about this?

[Adam Devine]

I also worked at a haunted maze, and that's not a joke, man.

[Hans Kim]

Oh, yeah.

[Owen Parker]

And I'm from Rancho, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, were you guys once. Did you guys want to work together at a haunted. My long lost brother. Oh, and it's almost. I wonder, how long ago was it? How many was it, like. Like, half the time span? Of a Harland Williams reference.

[Adam Devine]

What did you do at the haunted maze?

[Owen Parker]

I was a werewolf.

[Adam Devine]

Okay. I was like a 16t tall goblin of sorts.

[Hans Kim]

Okay.

[Adam Devine]

And I got fired because I kept. I kept having my buddy bend me over and try to. Me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did. Did they have you on like, stilts or something?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

Well, no, I was like, I was. Was standing and then I had this huge contraption above me. And then I kept being like, I'm a naughty monster. And then my other buddy was dressed as, like a scary clown. Would be like, I'mma this monster. And then they're like, they can't. The monster got fired. Did you ever your buddy in there?

[Owen Parker]

Well, I. I would be too high and then I would forget to scare people. Just stand there.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, fair enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you were a werewolf?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give us a little impression of your werewolf? Can you do it?

[Owen Parker]

Like I said, I was too high, so it's just like, ah, you know, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Owen Parker]

And you're not allowed to touch people, so.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yeah.

[Adam Devine]

And how high were you during this set?

[Owen Parker]

Not at all.

[Adam Devine]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did it bother you that you weren't allowed to touch people?

[Owen Parker]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, how about the kids? Did that bother you more than the adults?

[Owen Parker]

That's why I got this smile, you know? Can't have this smile without touching people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. You look like Tom Cruise if he

[Joelberg]

worked on a cruise ship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work now?

[Owen Parker]

What was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Owen Parker]

I work in a warehouse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. A lot of warehouse workers today.

[Adam Devine]

And what's going on?

[Owen Parker]

It actually is ups.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, call them out.

[Adam Devine]

Call them out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not anymore. Three for three.

[Joelberg]

Shouldn't you be working in a werewolf house?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good. That is true. He put together your two occupations. Werewolf warehouse. Next job has to be. I don't know, Sometimes my brain doesn't go fast enough to finish the setup. Put a lot of pressure on myself. Usually you guys love it and it works out. That was one of those times. We are live, ladies and gentlemen. I'm still trying to think of it.

[Joelberg]

Well, you got a lady.

[Owen Parker]

Not currently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh.

[Owen Parker]

Not currently playing the field. Just single working through, you know.

[Joelberg]

Yeah. Holy.

[Champ Kind]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Adam Devine]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Owen Parker]

A year sober, so had to deal with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Tell us more about the sobriety. What are you sober from exactly?

[Owen Parker]

Alcohol. And everything in between.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the everything in between that you were doing?

[Owen Parker]

Xanax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Keep going. And cocaine. Yep, you said it. Acid.

[Owen Parker]

And any. Any pill I can get my hands on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joelberg]

Wow.

[Adam Devine]

All the good stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever do dayquil?

[Adam Devine]

And nyquil at the same time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been able to quit fried chicken yet? Okay, so what made you get sober? What was the final thing that happened to you in which you're like, damn, I have to get my life together.

[Owen Parker]

I crashed my car into a tree at 88 miles an hour.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heath Cordis did that. That fine. 88 miles an hour.

[Owen Parker]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Owen Parker]

And I didn't even go back in time.

[Joelberg]

What kind of tree was it, my guy?

[Hans Kim]

Oak.

[Adam Devine]

Oh, big one, Strong one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Strong one.

[Joelberg]

Those are nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joelberg]

Yeah. Love a good oak.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, solid oak.

[Joelberg]

Any birds in the tree? An owl, a blue heron. Austria.

[Owen Parker]

Three in the morning.

[Joelberg]

So three in the morning and you hit an oak. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Party o'. Clock.

[Joelberg]

Wow. Morning wood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Boom. I love it. So what else do you do? What do you do for fun? Any hobbies or anything like that?

[Owen Parker]

Comedy wrestling. Average white guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of wrestling?

[Owen Parker]

Professional.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do professional wrestling?

[Hans Kim]

No, I enjoy it a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. Very good, Tony.

[Nicole Tran]

I think the next job he's going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think where he's going, going is nowhere. Is that. Oh, there you go. There's the wear reference. I love it. All right, well, Owen, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. There's a little joke book. We're gonna keep it moving along, everybody, okay? We're gonna do something fun again. You guys like fun things, right? I'm gonna bring up another former regular. This was the other young lady that was one of the two, two original regulars. She had to write and perform a brand new minute every single week. Now she is a writer and a performer across many things. A legend of the Legion of Skanks, A grand champion roast battler. One of the writers from Impractical Jokers. So many great things. A legend here on Kill. Tony makes some noise. A brand new minute from Kim Kongden. Everybody, here comes Kim Kongman. She started On Kill Tony. Her first time was On Kill. Tony began writing and performing a brand new minute every week after that. Here she is.

[Nicole Tran]

Thank you.

[Kim Congdon]

Thank you. I'm so glad to be here. I'm fucking excited. I'm in a great mood. I have a boyfriend now. I have. Yeah, I do.

[Nicole Tran]

Yeah.

[Kim Congdon]

Dude, I've been looking forever. No, no, no, listen. I've been looking in LA for a long time. I got him in Texas. He's like a real man. I was looking for a man in la, but every hot dude there has a boyfriend. And the straight ones paint their nails and that's the same thing for me. Honestly, I'm not kidding. You have to fuck A homeless guy in LA to find a man that can build a fire. My boyfriend's hot, he's strong, and that's my rule. My new boyfriend has to be able to beat up my last. You know, like, my new boyfriend, he's six two, he's in the military. I feel like he could kill a man with his hands. My last boyfriend rollerbladed away from 9 11.

[Heath Cordes]

Okay.

[Kim Congdon]

Do you know how bad that is? I'd rather fuck the guy flying the plane than the dude that rollerbladed away in Janco jeans. Okay. I got back together with him after that. Yeah, yeah. That's Tower two. I do worry that he's too manly, my new boyfriend, but it's fine. He's moving to LA with me, so he'll be trans in a week. Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah. What a minute. Kim Congdon coming in, flexing. Hot, hot, hot, hot. Built in the Kill Tony universe.

[Nicole Tran]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And started first time on this show. And we immediately made her a regular. That was literally, I think, episode two or three. And so she was built in the Kil Tony world. And the Roast Battle world immediately started there, so.

[Nicole Tran]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude.

[Kim Congdon]

That's when I had a lot of eggs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wildly successful, a famous writer on the roast.

[Kim Congdon]

Yeah, we had fun at the roast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So many things. Yeah. You ended up at my table. I got very lucky. They gave me two fucking, literally front table seats with me, Dana White, Sugar Sean and Max Holloway. And you and David Lucas were in the right place at the right time.

[Kim Congdon]

It was fucking sick, dude. I could smell Kim Kardashian's pussy from where I was sitting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. Smelled like a trip taxi cab.

[Kim Congdon]

It's not like a locker room.

[Nicole Tran]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's Armenian, you guys. You guys know Armenians. Those really only exist in la, if you're wondering. LA and Armenia. I learned that when I moved to Texas. They have white taxi cab drivers. It is awesome. Yeah. Wow.

[Adam Devine]

Weird.

[Joelberg]

You. You have this kind of sentiment that I think's kind of running through society now that there's no real men left, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What.

[Joelberg]

What are women looking for now for? To find a real man, dude.

[Kim Congdon]

Just like, a callus on their hands would be good.

[Joelberg]

Callous.

[Kim Congdon]

Yeah. A man that's like, picked up a shelf or wood before there. It's slim pickings in la. Every dude is. It looks like he eats out of a mason jar. Okay.

[Joelberg]

Wow. You sound like you need to have sex at ikea. That's what that sounds like. Wow. What about a guy? You want a guy? That can change a tire. A lot of men nowadays can't even change a tire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, dude.

[Joelberg]

Guy that can clean his own fish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kim Congdon]

You have to be able to gut a fish.

[Joelberg]

There you go.

[Kim Congdon]

Kill a man. That's one of the things my boyfriend says now is that he'd like to kill a man that intruded his home.

[Joelberg]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, of course.

[Kim Congdon]

I love that.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, Love that. Yeah.

[Kim Congdon]

Someone willing to kill another man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow.

[Joelberg]

Holy God.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Kim Congdon]

Puerto Rican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. That it confirms you are Puerto Rican. You are more Puerto Rican than the Nigerian man is Irish and you're more Puerto Rican than the Nigerian man is Nigerian. Incredible. That's the most Puerto Rican thing ever. To want a man that wants to murder, that would murder somebody else. Kim, what else is going on in life? You're bouncing between Austin, Texas and Los Angeles.

[Kim Congdon]

Yeah, I've been having fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Lived in New York for a while. You ran the whole comedian style. True stand up comedian. Like circuit from LA to New York to Austin. What's next for you?

[Kim Congdon]

Oh, man, I don't know. I'm having a good time writing, doing stand up. I just found out I had arthritis. That's a fun. Yeah, that's a fun new bit for me.

[Adam Devine]

It's a problem.

[Kim Congdon]

Thank you so much, Redban. No, it was really fun. I have to. The gym is different now. I used to like, you know, I used to do juju, jiu jitsu and run on the treadmill and now I have to swim. And I'm seeing new things about it too. Now I see like every time I swim in the pool, I'm only with old people and I realize they over salt the pools in case they die.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. So that they float.

[Kim Congdon]

So they float to the top.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kim Congdon]

Yeah. It's a lot of new things I'm learning.

[Joelberg]

Where's your arthritis? What part of your body?

[Kim Congdon]

My neck, my back. And that's it.

[Adam Devine]

My neck, my back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everybody go see.

[Adam Devine]

Thank you. Thank you. That's what I'm adding to this segment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So they put a lot of salt in the pools.

[Kim Congdon]

They put a lot of salt in the pools.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red wants to drink the water. I love it. Kim, you did it again. So much fun. You're a cold blooded assassin. We love you.

[Kim Congdon]

Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Throw that mike. Stand back on that red X for us. We're just going to keep it moving right along. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Famous for his roasting, hall of Famer this is indeed a brand new minute by David Lucas. Oh. Oh,

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Have y' all seen this new argument online where women are saying they'd rather be in the woods with a bear than in a room with a man. This is because they're scared to get raped. This is the stupidest shit I've ever heard in my fucking life. And then I thought about it. Would I rather be in the car with a woman or a bear? I think I'd rather be in the car with a bear because at least a bear knows what the fuck he wants to eat. You know what I'm saying? For all you dumb bitches who chose the bear, the good thing for you is when that bear attacks you, at least nobody will ask you, well, what were you wearing? You know what's gonna be crazy? When all these hoes find out that the bear is just a gay nigger from West Hollywood. All right, that's my Todd David Lucas thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. One of my favorite jokes of the night. Incredible. That's amazing.

[David Lucas]

What's up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So good.

[David Lucas]

Tony Elliot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, here he goes. Oh, no,

[David Lucas]

Tony, you look like a gay puffer fish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God, it's true.

[David Lucas]

If I bite your booty, I bet you blow up, nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Would I blow up like you?

[David Lucas]

You and Adam Devine should get in a relationship. That'd be the best lesbian couple ever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[David Lucas]

Harlan Williams. What's up, dog?

[Joelberg]

What's up, my guy?

[David Lucas]

I know you need to get home. Harlem Williams got to get home because he left a crock pot on. That is

[Joelberg]

old. Whoa, whoa, hey, take it easy, bro. You're the only guy I know has muffin tops on his ankles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, when he came in here, those were elevator shoes, Harlan.

[David Lucas]

You look like Joe Biden, Spike spokesperson.

[Joelberg]

I that joke up you it up bad. Damn, you it up real bad. My guy. I mean, my guy. How about a whole five guys right there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Harlan's a beast. Harlan is. He disguises his. He's a roast God.

[Joelberg]

I thought this guy had a tattoo of the monster energy drink logo on his stomach. It turned out to be his stretch mark. I mean, honestly, dude, should you be in Columbia or down in Denver stomping dinosaur footprints into a river?

[Brian Redban]

Ver

[Joelberg]

har.

[David Lucas]

You got a tattoo of your medicine schedule, nigga, get your 3pm Alzheimer's, 6pm Blood pressure.

[Joelberg]

This is the only guy I know. Everyone else in the country has Lyme disease. This has got key lime pie disease.

[David Lucas]

Yo, this cooking this old.

[Joelberg]

You're my tonight. How about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. This place, Tom G. Has been a ruckus.

[David Lucas]

Really?

[Brian Redban]

Get the fuck out of here.

[Joelberg]

Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow I'm taking you to the car wash, hanging you upside down, and putting that hair to work.

[David Lucas]

Yo, this nigga is cooking right now. I don't even.

[Joelberg]

I am cooking, and you're just pissed off I didn't actually bring you some food.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, my God.

[Joelberg]

I would ask you to sit down, but you're gonna fall through the stage any second.

[Brian Redban]

God damn.

[Joelberg]

You want to go back to these guys now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit. I love you.

[Joelberg]

Come on, hug it up. Hug it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Joelberg]

This is my son right here. This is my son.

[Brian Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Joelberg]

All of you, show your chicks. All of you, everybody show your chicks. Ch to my son.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely stunning.

[David Lucas]

When I. When I hugged Harley Williams, that smelled like Bengay and urine.

[Joelberg]

Well, you would know the smell of gay.

[David Lucas]

You're sitting next to two of them. Look at Adam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no. What is your. What does your T shirt say?

[David Lucas]

Surplus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, surplus plus. Plus. Plus.

[David Lucas]

Tony, why you got that vest on? So know both of your hands free.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. No, it's so that, unlike you, I can swim. There's not enough salt in a pool for you to float.

[David Lucas]

The backstroke. The backstroke. You do the booty stroke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your ass, you do the black stroke.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. You come up for air with your. You, and then you go back down for 10 minutes. Then get your.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do the butter. Butter butterfly.

[David Lucas]

Man, fuck you. Let me roast Matt Strife.

[Adam Devine]

I'm too fat for Matt Strife.

[David Lucas]

I know, bro. What's up, bro? I fuck with all your shit, bro.

[Adam Devine]

Thanks, man.

[David Lucas]

I love niggas.

[Adam Devine]

I'm a nice guy. I'm not built for this. I'll admit it.

[Brian Redban]

He said I'm not built for this.

[David Lucas]

Bro, you found the only nigga that got a voice that sound like you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You.

[David Lucas]

That is you with two shots of testosterone. That's crazy.

[Harlan Williams]

Thanks, man.

[Adam Devine]

I actually would love to do shots of testosterone if anyone has it.

[David Lucas]

Hell, yeah. Maybe you'll get some facial hair.

[Darby Cash]

Yeah,

[David Lucas]

that look like a happy, healthy chipmunk. That's crazy.

[Adam Devine]

Thank you, Harlem. Thank you.

[David Lucas]

Hey, just wait.

[Owen Parker]

Thank you.

[David Lucas]

Just wait, Boy, for what? I don't know, but I'm. I'mma get. They ain't never roasted somebody my granddaddy age before for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man, you better.

[David Lucas]

Only person that can stop you is a black church lady. That's it. A lady with a fan.

[Joelberg]

Dude, if your knees buckle any further, it's going to be the McDonald's arches.

[David Lucas]

Maybe I should leave this old alone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Joelberg]

Let it go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you should.

[David Lucas]

I mess with my arch Nemesis, bro. 65 years of calling black people the nword. This is good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Harlan might be blacker than you. That's why. Why he showed up 20 minutes late.

[David Lucas]

He showed up late because the nursing home vans only run every hour.

[Casey Rocket]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You better take it easy.

[David Lucas]

That look like the sexiest in a nursing home.

[Joelberg]

Oh, yeah, buddy. I'll suck a colostomy bag faster than you eat through a whopper with cheese with your nostril.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This might be the greatest roast off in the history of the show. Organically happening. This is the second time you two have gone head to head, and it is never ending. Head to head. Or as it should. I should call it head to bread.

[Joelberg]

I'd get up and hug him again, but I'm afraid he's gonna motorboat me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many calories are in your vape pen? Oh, here he goes.

[David Lucas]

What you. What you drinking on, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got.

[David Lucas]

You look like you should have a cosmopolitan or some gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a Crown and Coke and a Bud Light. Not to be confused with you Bud heavy.

[David Lucas]

Jesus Christ. What the is going on tonight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The.

[David Lucas]

I was.

[Adam Devine]

Dude, I think you started this.

[David Lucas]

I always started.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I always thought I'm dead. It's a shame that you can't get a jacket that's the same size as your T shirt.

[David Lucas]

Fuck you in that bubble vest, nigga.

[Joelberg]

Most people have the alligator. You've got a fucking Galapagos tortoise on there.

[David Lucas]

Galapagos, you old nigga. That fucking medicine kicking in right now. You can't even get your words out. Nigga, you got 10 more minutes on this panel.

[Joelberg]

Oh, yeah.

[David Lucas]

Before you gotta go re.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They gotta put.

[Joelberg]

You can come back later and play banjo in my diaper. How about that?

[David Lucas]

I don't even know what he's saying. He roast like me, bro. That's why I can't roast this. It's like the same. The way I roast. It's like roasted myself. We say crazy.

[Brian Redban]

Damn it you, Harlan.

[Joelberg]

You just keep saying roast. Eventually one will appear. It's like. I'm gonna call it like, roast, roast, roast. There's a roast for the guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna call it David.

[Joelberg]

You which sweating that gravy all over, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas. Every time you've ever come on this goddamn show, it elevates to a whole nother level. Kill Tony hall of famer. One of the best to ever do the thing.

[Joelberg]

Come on, come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some goddamn noise for David Lucas.

[Brian Redban]

Woo.

[Joelberg]

Give my son A hand. Isn't he great?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

I'm going to be a girl in the morning. Pre op.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Believe it or not, a bucket pool has to follow that, everybody. Here we go. We still having fun out there. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Whoa. Ruthless. Make some noise. Is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brendan Mahaney. Brendan Mahaney, everyone. You got a clap for him. These people have been here since 5pm hoping for the opportunity of a lifetime. The next regular, the next golden ticket winner. Anything can happen. They could be right around the corner. It's where everybody else started. Here we go. Brendan Mahaney.

[Brendan Mahaney]

I've been shot so many times. I actually have a favorite time. First time I got shot, bullet came in through the front of my helmet, rode across the top of my skull, and stuck in the back.

[7e7]

I was like, what the fuck was that?

[Brendan Mahaney]

It was over and done with quicker than my virginity, man. I didn't have time to save it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Favorite.

[Brendan Mahaney]

But my favorite time, my favorite time. It had to be my third time. The bullet came in from the side, hit me right about there, knocked me the fuck out. That was the best sleep I had in country. I'm telling you right now. It was fabulous. Hell, yeah. But I did pick up a purple heart for that engagement. Yeah, give it up for that guy. He was a hell of a shot. His team ain't really known for field goals. You know, they're usually running the ball in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Brendan Mahaney on Kill. Tony, welcome. Brand. Brendan, welcome. How are you? Step on up here a little bit so that we could see you. Brendan, how long you been doing stand up?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Right. About a year now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About a year. Has anyone ever told you that you look like you molest motorcycles?

[Joel Jimenez]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Has anyone ever told you that you look like you rape fishing poles? You look like Lynyrd Skynyrd's accountant, you son of a. Speaking of Purple heart, Dave Lucas also has a purple heart from all the. From all the grape drank. So, a year doing standup comedy. What do you do for a living?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I work at a startup.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work at a startup? What are you starting up?

[Brendan Mahaney]

It's technology.

[Darby Cash]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it an app where you can find little children to date?

[Brendan Mahaney]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Grinder for kids. Kindergartener. Finally a good one by me. Jesus Christ. That's been a long week, people. It's been a long week. So what made you want to start stand up now? How old are you?

[Brendan Mahaney]

44.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually, you don't look a day over 75. Jesus Christ. Wow.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Thank you.

[Adam Devine]

Dude, I'm 40.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I was just gonna say, what's up, buddy? I'm 40 in a month.

[Adam Devine]

I think we went to high school together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, this guy's.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Hey, didn't. I saw you eat my guy?

[Adam Devine]

You might.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years older than you and I. Thirteen years younger than Harlan Williams. Absolutely. I should have gone with a bigger number. That wasn't funny. 30 years younger than. Why do you think you look like you do at 40 for?

[Adam Devine]

Ah, been shot 12 times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God.

[Brendan Mahaney]

It's been a long. It's been a rough life, but, yeah, you know, we're here.

[Joelberg]

Who shot you, dude? Who shot you?

[Brendan Mahaney]

The tally bands. Y. I was in Afghanistan.

[Joelberg]

Oh, you were in Afghanistan. All right, give him a handful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, baby. That'll do it.

[Joelberg]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'll do it.

[Joelberg]

The Taliban shot you, man?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yes, sir.

[Joelberg]

Wow. Did you. Did you shoot back?

[Brian Redban]

Back?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yeah, when I woke up, yeah.

[Joelberg]

So you shot your doctor?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How so? You really got shot 12 times?

[Brendan Mahaney]

No, no, I got shot four times.

[Adam Devine]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shot four times.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Three times in the helmet, one in the shoulder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That one in the shoulder hurt the most, didn't it?

[Adam Devine]

Yes.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yes, yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And how many of those sand rabbits did you kill? It's okay. It's not a slur. No, no, I've looked into it. I do my research now. They tried to cancel me three years ago. Sandrabbit is not a slur because it's a rabbit. It's a cute little animal. And there's just. Because I say sand before it. Trust me, I do my homework now. I learned a lesson. Sand rabbit. An adorable name. So much so that even Middle Easterners love it. Where's my Middle Easterners at here tonight? Come on, let's fucking can get him.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Let's get him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's get him back. All right. So how many do you think you shot?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I don't know, about 20 or 30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Jesus Christ. Look at you. My God. I've heard of having blood on your hands, but this guy's got sand on his hands. Absolutely incredible. Wow. And what branch of the military region in Army? Army?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Hell yeah. National Guard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Weekend warrior.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, whatever. Yeah. Where do you live currently?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Live in Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. Yeah.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what made you come to la?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I drove Jared Nathan up here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, sweet. Yeah, we love Jared.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, man, you are. I thought you were a hero for your services overseas, but driving, riding from Austin to LA with Jared Nathan is a whole. Nother level you have. He should have a purple heart and a blue brain after all this. Any highlights? Yeah, tell us some highlights.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Well, the first night we stayed in New Mexico in a abandoned. Well, it was a renovated nuclear missile silo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, great. Exactly what Jared Nathan needs. More nuclear fucking waste on his head. What else?

[Brendan Mahaney]

Then we hit up Rock City. City of Rocks in New Mexico. And then we had a. We had a show in Tucson. That was fun. Hell, yeah. Tucson. That was great. I really want to go back to Arizona sometime, do some. That was great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. You just can't get enough of sand covered war zones.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Well, at least that one had titty bars after.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's your love life like? What exactly? What types of corpses do you out of the refrigerator?

[Brendan Mahaney]

I've been single about this long.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Adam Devine]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When's the last time you kissed a girl?

[David Lucas]

New year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A girl? Have you ever. Have you ever kissed a girl in Los Angeles Angelus before? No.

[Casey Rocket]

Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you know what, my friend? Here at Kill Tony, we just happen to have the greatest comedy fans on planet Earth. And there's a hell of a lot of beautiful women out here tonight. Is there a woman out there that's willing to give this war hero a big kiss on the lips? Huh? They have to. You have to want to do it. These two are pointing at each other like absolutely anybody else feel like someone needs to. If you're a woman that wants to do it, stand up. Okay, let's go here. Oh, oh. Wait a second. Here we go. Let's do this one. Come. Are you okay? Sit back down. You're trashed. Jesus, what a slob that one is. What a tease. Absolute West Hollywood piglet. Oh, hell yeah. Keep going. Go that way. They'll let you in. Let her in. Security.

[Joelberg]

Fire Player.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's good.

[Joelberg]

No, fire. That's for Troy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me, Player. Harlan, I don't know if you know this. This is a segment on the show called Kiss Me. It's been happening for 11 years.

[Joelberg]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's when a special person who hasn't had a kiss in a while.

[Joelberg]

Kiss since the 70s.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, here she is, ladies and gentlemen. A hero comes along.

[Joelberg]

Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just like that. Absolutely incredible.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, wow.

[Brian Redban]

All right, now him live on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hand her the microphone real quick. What's your name, sweetheart?

[Nicole Tran]

My name's Tristan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Tristan. How are you?

[Nicole Tran]

Good.

[Sarah Weinshank]

How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. You've been a fan of the show for a while.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Nicole Tran]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you sign up for the show tonight. No, no, just come and. Just showed up, and then just in case we needed a slut, you were here.

[Nicole Tran]

Anything for the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that. Tristan. Absolutely. You know what? Here's a big joke book. Can you catch?

[Joelberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tristan. Everybody. Hand that microphone back to Brendan Mahaney there. Brendan, thank you for your service. Thank you for driving Jared Nathan, and thank you for your set here tonight. Here's one of these for you as well. There he goes. Brendan Mahaney, thank you for your service, buddy.

[Adam Devine]

Great job, man. Very funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seriously. Come on. One more time for fucking A great fucking hero. Defending the greatest country on planet Earth. Don't you ever fucking forget. Make some noise for America. In America.

[Joelberg]

My guy. My guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Brendan Mahaney.

[Joelberg]

Get out of here. My guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Joelberg]

So sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, we have something really special here, ladies and gentlemen. You know, this week, while we're talking about the greatest country in the world, America, and the American dream, I gotta be honest with you, I am indeed having one of the best weeks of my life coming back here to Los Angeles, California, and, you know, that Tom Brady roast was a fucking moment for me a week ago tonight.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And something really, really cool happened at the Tom Brady roast. I got to make a lot of new awesome friends, and I got to work with the great rock Ron Burgundy. And, you know, he was just amazing, and I love him. But, you know, Ron Burgundy, I've never been. As you guys probably can tell from a lot of the hints when I'm talking about news from Texas, I'm not a big believer in the means. I've always been more of a sports kind of guy. Right. And my favorite anchorman, honestly, isn't Ron Burgundy. It's a sports anchor man, ladies and gentlemen, here to do a minute for us. Make some noise. His first time ever on the show for champ.

[Brian Redban]

Kind. Of.

[Nicole Tran]

Gene.

[Champ Kind]

Tennis at the plate, and whammy, whammy, whammy. It's anchorman, not anchor lady. And that's a sign. Scientific fact. I will say one thing for her. She does have a nice, big old behind. I'd like to put some barbecue sauce on that thing. And munch, munch, munch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Champ Kind]

What do you say we go out on a date? Have some chicken, maybe some sex, you know, see what happens? That's not a line from the movie. Ma', am, I'm asking you a direct question. I will smash your face into a car windshield and then ask your mother, Dorothy Williams, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again. Harlan's got a beautiful mother. Now, Hinch. I call him Hinch. You know, Tony Ol Hinch. I got ahold of him on Craigslist today. I came down here to buy a dog. Now, Hinch, you know, I left the broadcast game a couple years ago and people say, champ, what are you up to? Well, I'll tell you. I'm an auctioneer. Now. Last night I was in Bakersfield trying to auction off a whole gaggle of cattle. Some people might call it a herd. I mix up different birds with animals. Anyway, listen, I had a rough night. Some people say I had a nervous breakdown. I was out there going, what am I bid? What am I bid? I've got a beautiful heifer right here. I need a hundred dollar bill, dollar bidder. Would you give, would you get, would you go? My wife gave me divorce papers this very morning. She met a man at a Christian bingle. Now I am broken and hacked. Broken in 125, now 50. Thank you very much. Dolly Bitter. No woman has touched me in two years. No man has touched me in three. 175, now 50. Who's ever seen a grown man cry? Grown man cry. Grown man cry. I'm high on molly right now Molly right now. Molly right now. Who screams at the faceless man in their dreams? Who screams at the faceless man in their dreams? Sometimes I sleep in the gray throat. When I sleep there I get hard. Hard right now. Hard right now. Hard right now. $200 bill. Now 25, thank you very much. Dollar better. Hey, Ms. Johnson, up front with those Tigo biddies. Remember what we did? What we did when we were kids while your sister looked on and I promise I would never tell. 250 now 75, thank you very much. Dollar better. With so much drama in the LBC it's kind of hard being Snoop D O double G. But I somehow someway keep coming up with funky ass shit like every single. May I take a little something for the G's and make a few bits as a breeze through two in the morning the party's still jumping cause my mom ate them. I got bitches in the living room getting it on and they are not leaving until 6 in the morning. So what you gonna do? I got a pocket full of rubbers and Tony Hinchcliff does too. God bless you. Querum is me. Where me where me?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy. Make some more noise for Champ Kind, everybody. And then he dips. Oh my God. Just murder and dip.

[Joelberg]

Wow. Right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He just pulled a little OJ Simpson. Listen Double homicide in la. And then hit the road one. One more time for Champ Kind, everybody. The great David Keckner. David Keckner. Dot com. He's on tour. A new favorite of the show was a guest just a few months ago. And like that. Back to the bucket we go. You guys down for another bucket pool? You guys getting tired? You want to keep going, going? Okay, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Darby Cash, everybody. We're gonna meet Darby Cash. All together now. Darby Cash, everyone. Here comes Darby. Make some noise for Darby, everyone.

[Darby Cash]

I want to give you guys the one piece of relationship advice I used to tell my ex girlfriend all the time. I used to tell her, drop the knife. Can you guess what ethnicity she was? Latina.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Darby Cash]

This was years ago, back when you could still say that kind of thing to a lady. You would look much prettier unarmed. I still say it to a female cop, though. Hello, officer. You know, you look much prettier without that gun. Take it real quick, have a good old laugh about it. Cause I live in a real small, quiet town. Nothing really happens. Just a bunch of white ladies doing yoga. I remember the first time I invited a black guy over to my house.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Darby Cash]

He immediately ran over to my beta fish tank and he said, what's up, little N word?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Darby Cash]

To the fish. That's a lucky guess because I never told him his name. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Darby Cash.

[Joelberg]

Hi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Darby. How are you? Good, how are you? Fantastic. How long you been doing standup?

[Darby Cash]

I'm going to hit three years in July.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years? Where at?

[Darby Cash]

La, mostly, but ie in Inland Empire as well.

[Brian Redban]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Empire. Wow, an empire sounds so much cooler than it is.

[Adam Devine]

Does sound a lot cooler.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're proud of.

[Joelberg]

Right, because he said Empire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From your time. From your time. Yes.

[Joelberg]

You're from a small town, my guy.

[David Lucas]

What?

[Joelberg]

What's the name of the town?

[Darby Cash]

San Dimas.

[Joelberg]

San Dimas.

[Adam Devine]

Their high school football rules. There you go.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What do you do for work?

[Darby Cash]

Well, I take care of my grandfather, but I'm kind of in between stuff right now, so I'm working on my passion project.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Waiting for an inheritance. Inheritance?

[Darby Cash]

I wish, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, there's not even an inheritance.

[Darby Cash]

No, there's not. No. They were very, very irresponsible.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a poor grandfather.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah.

[Darby Cash]

I mean, I don't like doing things for him. He's 87 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Sponge bath with them.

[Darby Cash]

No, no, no, no. I hate doing things for him. To be honest. I'm not a great caretaker.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, tell us more about that. What are you bad at? What's some of the worst things you've ever done to your grandpa?

[Joelberg]

Like a.

[Darby Cash]

No, I'm not.

[Hans Kim]

It's not.

[Darby Cash]

I don't do bad things to him. I just. I don't like making oatmeal, dude. That's the only thing.

[Cam Patterson]

He.

[Darby Cash]

He likes the green apple kind, and I don't like that smell. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they're turning on you. There's a lot of Latinos here. They take care of all their family members until.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

where my Latinos at?

[Adam Devine]

He's doing a good thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where my Dodger fans at? Where my Laker fans at? It's all the same people.

[Brian Redban]

Where my Clipper fans at?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh,

[Joelberg]

where's my guy?

[Brian Redban]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's more my guys than anything in the room. Absolutely incredible Clipper fans.

[Adam Devine]

That sucked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Darby. Cash.

[Joelberg]

Dude, I love the little willow, the wisp on the back of your hair. Did you notice that you got, like, a little. Take a little, like, jet stream.

[Adam Devine]

It looks like you're always sprinting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. It looks like your grandfather tried to keep you in the house a little long. Like, stay with me.

[Joelberg]

It looks like a giant farted in your face.

[Hans Kim]

Oh, yeah.

[Darby Cash]

It felt like that with the wind, man. For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stupid, dude. Oh, my gosh.

[Joelberg]

Cool. Do you use gel or a leaf blower?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit of both.

[Darby Cash]

A little bit of both.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Darby, how old are you?

[Darby Cash]

25. 26 the next month.

[7e7]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's how birthdays work.

[Adam Devine]

Keep moving around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So 25 in your entire life, what do you think's the most interesting thing about you or that you've ever done or that's happened to you or anything like that?

[Joelberg]

Great question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Quarter century to draw from. That's one fourth of a Harland Williams lifespan.

[Darby Cash]

Well, one time I. I took DMT and then, for some reason, masturbated while high on dmt. I thought that was weird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you masturbate yourself or your grandfather?

[Adam Devine]

Which stiff?

[Darby Cash]

Sorry, what was that?

[Adam Devine]

Which stiff?

[Darby Cash]

Which stiff?

[Adam Devine]

Your dick or your dead grandfather?

[Joelberg]

Wait, so what.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What.

[Joelberg]

What was the experience like on DMT vs just normally whacking off behind a Dairy Queen?

[Darby Cash]

The orgasm didn't feel like anything, which was very weird to me. Like, I didn't feel.

[Joelberg]

Because you were jerking the guy beside you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's tricky down there. It's happened to me many times. It's tricky out there. It's tricky.

[Joelberg]

What happened, dude? Tell us about the experience. So it didn't feel like you were doing Anything.

[Darby Cash]

Well, it did when I came because it went all over me and I felt that.

[Joelberg]

But I didn't feel you were doing it in front of the leaf block blower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Darby Cash]

Right in the face.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah, yeah. It went all over you?

[Cam Patterson]

All over.

[Darby Cash]

It was a lot.

[Adam Devine]

I don't know if I was tripping a heavy load.

[Darby Cash]

Wow, that's that night I did.

[Joelberg]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joelberg]

Really Bukhaki over here, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow. Other than jerking off on dmt, anything else that's ever happened to you in your life? You seem like a guy that, you know, fixes his own scooter.

[Darby Cash]

My gay uncle tried to groom me.

[Casey Rocket]

He tried.

[Darby Cash]

It didn't work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it. What did he. What was it? What was his trickery? Tell us about it.

[Darby Cash]

Oh, he just told me I was gay and living a lie all the time. Dude, when I was eight and yeah, they tried that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old piano player at the Comedy Store used to always tell me, like, you're gay, you just have to come out. I'm like, no, dude, you're fucking gay. Right?

[Darby Cash]

That's what I told him too. And he was gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, you know what? Let's make out after the show. We're gonna keep things moving along here. I'm gonna get give you a little joke book, cuz I ran out of big ones and you also didn't deserve a big one.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Darby Cash. We got through. So many special guests, so many bucket polls. Oh, I think there's only one place to go from here. But you know what? I'm not going to introduce them. Why not bring up one of the most entertaining men on planet earth just one more time? How about one more big hand for the great fight. Bruce Buffer, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, this shit's about to go down, everybody.

[Brian Redban]

You could make more fucking noise than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Los Angeles.

[Brian Redban]

And now to close the show. He is the record holder for all time appearances on Kill Tony. He's also the record holder for all time interviews on Kill Tony. He is a hall of famer that influenced the world and changed countless lives. A man who goes by many names. He is the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Ventura Vampire. The Bakersfield Bulldog. The Hollywood Hub, Digger. The Big Red Machine. William Lighthouse.

[Harlan Williams]

How's it going? I feel weird admitting this, but when I. When I was stuck in a grain elevator for six days, I saw a friend swallow a dick and he never shitted out. I sold some coke to Superman, but I feel bad because I ended up cutting it with Kryptonite. I started a new crypto coin. I won't tell you what I named it, but let's just say Superman refuses to be an investor. There was a controversy this week when Taylor Swift released a new single entitled let's Human Traffic. My neighbor's foster children. Joe Biden's so old, he remembers watching trl. You know who's loving these protests?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

P. Diddy.

[Harlan Williams]

That dude. Probably starting protest at middle school.

[Brian Redban]

Come on, y'. All.

[Harlan Williams]

You know Israel over there bombing super creepy orgies for no damn reason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's my time. And yet again, add it to an unbeatable record. Another 1 minute 15 seconds from William Montgomery. Ladies and gentlemen, Harlan Williams.

[Joelberg]

When he walked out, I never thought I'd see the day when I saw Klingon doing river dance.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, that's the life we live, man.

[Joelberg]

Wow, I love that outfit, guy.

[Tolu Agunblade]

Thank you.

[Joelberg]

Turn around, let's see the back.

[Harlan Williams]

There's actually a cape on it. Tony, I have some wonderful news. I'm actually the new band leader at a high school back in Memphis, Tennessee. I'm actually changing career paths. I'm going back to high school. I'm super excited. This is actually the uniform I. I made.

[Joelberg]

So.

[Harlan Williams]

Really excited. Tony. This is probably the last time I will be on Kill.

[Adam Devine]

Tony.

[Harlan Williams]

So it's been a really fun ride, but I finally got a stop. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

This high school is paying me a ton of money.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a. I had to do this. Tony, you're really. You're really. You're really going to stop?

[Harlan Williams]

Tony, it's horrible news. They're giving me health insurance and I been getting the skin cancer. I have more skin cancer. Tony. This is pretty much a final hurrah for me. I'm not really doing good right now. I'm really out of breath. This thing is. Tony, I have to stop being.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at the fan. Listen to what they're telling you. Everybody, everybody up top.

[Adam Devine]

Look at them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They want you here now that you heard what these fans are have to say. Now are you going to stop? Well, I mean, It's.

[Harlan Williams]

I get 401k. No, I'm kidding.

[Brian Redban]

I never got. Stop. Holy.

[Harlan Williams]

But I can call in remote. They're letting me call in remote for the band director. So this does work out.

[Adam Devine]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Joelberg]

Are you sure you're just not a baggage handler for American Airlines? Dude.

[Brian Redban]

Dude, a for American Airlines.

[Harlan Williams]

Man, you've been scouting scary as this whole night. Harlan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, they're having a crazy off.

[Adam Devine]

I don't know who's going to win this one.

[Brian Redban]

That.

[Joelberg]

You win that round.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't.

[Adam Devine]

I didn't expect you to stop. Har.

[Joelberg]

He. Not with what he just said at the end there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There was a moment this week.

[Joelberg]

You people speak Lorax. But what he just said. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a little. It was pretty bad.

[Joelberg]

It was bad. You won that one. Way to go, guy.

[Brendan Mahaney]

Thank you.

[Joelberg]

I'm going to let you suck. Mu. Another topical night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just a little. Little fun. Fact is that this week, for the very first time in our 11 year history, Kil Tony, for a few days was the number two audio podcast in the world. Wow. Like, that means people with headphones actually listen to the show. And I've just been informed after William and Harlan's back and forth dialogue, we've. We're now at the bottom of the charts. We have reached lower than we've ever. That is the sound. That is the sound of hundreds of thousands of people unsubscribing to our audio podcast right now. And we just lost all of our Chinese listenership.

[Harlan Williams]

Wait, Tony, I have yellow fever real

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

bad right now though. What does that mean? Mean?

[Joelberg]

It's when he. Bart Simpson.

[Harlan Williams]

That's right. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that from staying in the same house as Hans Kim?

[Brendan Mahaney]

It is.

[Harlan Williams]

We have actually set up some cameras in the bathroom. I'm not even kidding. We got a couple women in it last night. It got really nasty. We have this butthole shot in the shower. The camera's going up. But yeah, we've been having fun in there, Tony. But yeah, we set up three cameras

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

in the bathroom room, so. Wow. Absolutely.

[Adam Devine]

I'm kidding too.

[David Lucas]

Real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, what do you think about my. What's sitting to my left over here? I have no idea what he's doing. Is this a thing you guys planned out?

[Adam Devine]

Oh, my God.

[Champ Kind]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm Peter Porker.

[Joelberg]

Nice to meet you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Redband. Did you hear how that went? Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

I mean, you're a idiot, dude. You're a idiot to think that would be funny. Peter Porker and your dress. Oh, okay. Peter Parker. Spider Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, I get it, I get it. But Peter Parker didn't wear the mask. You're more like Piderman. All right, we're both bombing now.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks for dragging us down your dark web.

[Adam Devine]

That Porker worked a little better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's pretty good.

[Adam Devine]

Yeah. I thought Porker worked a little better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eater. Parker.

[Adam Devine]

Spider.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ham. Spider. Ham's good.

[Kim Congdon]

Spider Man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spider Man. William, looking out at the upper deck, what do you want to say to those people up in the balcony?

[Adam Devine]

Rufio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rufio.

[Harlan Williams]

Okay, that wasn't a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How. How's your dog feeling, William? You brought your dog all the way to Los Angeles? Yeah, she's doing so good. Sweet little dog.

[Harlan Williams]

Yes, I have the sweet little dog. She's here right now. She has one of her dresses on. And I just want to tell y' all that I got a sweet little dog yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A little bit faster, William.

[Brian Redban]

Yesterday I got a. A sweet little dog yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yesterday

[Harlan Williams]

I got a sweet little dog yesterday.

[Brian Redban]

Yesterday I got. Thank you guys for coming out tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We did it again. One more time to William Montgomery. Make some noise for the great Adam

[Brian Redban]

Devine's first time on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holland Williams, the best damn man in the land. Aphrodite on the National Anthem. One more time for Bruce Buffer. Check out his podcast, It's Time Buy Merch. He just gave me a bottle of the best cologne I've ever gotten in my life. It's Time Cologne. One more time for your artists. Ryan J E Belt and Chris Rogers. Here they come to show you what they made while you all sat there. Oh, dude, look at that. Enjoying yourselves. Amazing at Chris Rogers art. Ryan J.E.

[Cam Patterson]

bell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One more time for Nicole Tran, Casey Rockets, Sarah Weinschenk, Martin Phillips, Cam Patterson, Kim Con London, David Lucas, the great Bruce Buffer, and of course, William Montgomery, David Keckner Dot com. One more time for Champ Kind, everybody. What a show. What a show. How much fun. Red Band.

[Brian Redban]

Thanks, la.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We missed you so much at scraping home, guys. It really has been an amazing blast. We might have to. We might have to come back and do this more often. You guys come to the Staples center next time. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night. Thank you to all of our sponsors and wonderful. One more time for Adam Devine and Harlan Williams.

[Brian Redban]

Jet Ski Johnson, Joburg, Jo Jimenez, Michael

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gonzalez, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Dee Madness, Matt Muhling and Daniel Mandelman. Another thank you to the great Yoni and Christy who make it all possible. Come out here, take a bow. Yon, wherever Christie is. Heidi Valerie Vaughn, Colt Monica Bonsai. Austin Security guard service. Congrats to our bucket pool. 7 7. Tolu Agunbade, Dave Anthony Darby Cash, Brendan Mahaney, Owen Parker. Thank you to Anthony Giordano and the entire fucking crew. Thank you to the YouTube Theater. The Netflix is a joke fest. Come visit us in Austin, Texas. Oh, yeah, I forgot to roll the video for the Heb Center. We're doing that again on New Year's Eve. I forgot to write it down. I was supposed to toss to an awesome video reveal. You can watch.

[Brian Redban]

My God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We Little dog. Cut to it. For those of you still watching the stream. Oh, there you go. Yep, it's happening. Keep playing music. It's good. You get the point. New Year's Eve, we're doing it again. Come to Austin, Texas. Have the time of your life. See why we only come back every so often?

[Brian Redban]

Jam.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Kim Congdon]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Brian Redban]

Sa.