#668 - SAM TALLENT

Summary

Kill Tony #668 – Sam Tallent (June 18, 2024)

Episode Overview

In this high-energy episode, Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban return to the Comedy Mothership in Austin, joined by acclaimed comedian and recurring favorite Sam Tallent. The show maintains the classic Kill Tony format: a bucket of hopeful stand-ups vying for a minute on stage, off-the-cuff panel commentary, and this week, surprise appearances by rising comics, regulars, and comedy legend Roseanne Barr.

A recurring theme this week is resilience and reinvention—emphasized by raw, at times awkward performances, candid interviews, and moments where both humor and humanity shine. The lineup showcases debut sets, honest conversations about sexuality and identity, and the importance of growth (in life and comedy). As always, the episode closes with a regular’s powerhouse set.

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Main Guests

• Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
• Co-Host: Brian Redban
• Guest: Sam Tallent
• Special Appearance: Roseanne Barr
• Regulars: Hans Kim, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Opening Banter and Sam Tallent’s Welcome (03:14)

• Sam commends Tony on a recent roast performance:

  "I watched it with my mother-in-law and she was blown away." (03:27, Sam Tallent)

• Tony shares anecdotes about Drew Bledsoe sending him wine and football roast jokes—quickly devolving into riffing about Black NFL players, Redban interruptions, and show rules.

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2. Hans Kim’s Set & Hall of Fame Induction (06:58–13:18)

• Hans Kim delivers jokes on Asian stereotypes, global politics, and drag, landing him praise:

  "Usually I blast you, but Hans, well played." (08:51, Sam Tallent)

• Hans shares his new hobby: gun ownership and attempts at reconciliation with his ex. Sam gives tongue-in-cheek dating advice:

  "You put it in your mouth and you say, make my gun come." (12:56, Sam Tallent)

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3. Bucket Comics: Stand-up, Realness, and Risk

Caitlin K (Sex Coach/Stripper) (14:04–21:59)

• Talks openly about her past as a stripper, being a sex coach, and marriage:

  Tony: "All the way up until that fell flatter than your chest." (16:25) Caitlin: "I have a talk show on Pornhub, but you can’t find it right now." (20:23)

• Sam and Tony probe for genuine stories, teasing her for resorting to “bits” rather than real-life insights.

Tanvir Arora (Visa Holder’s Story) (22:22–34:05)

• Indian comic reveals his journey: moving from Mumbai, adapting to Texas, and a surprising, honest account of his sexuality:

  Tanvir: "I cheated." Tony: "Whoa! With a dude?" (28:42) Tanvir details experimenting with Grindr post-separation, proudly embracing his truth. Tony: "Has this made you happy?" Tanvir: "Honestly? Yeah. You don’t have to hide it anymore." (32:55)

Miller Ford (“Aspen, Down Syndrome McConaughey”) (34:27–41:49)

• Jokes about appearance and viral DUI arrest quote ("Of course it’s cocaine up my nose, it’s Aspen.").
• Comic described by Sam as “frail”—revealing struggles with sobriety and an unconventional relationship.

Fiona Cauley’s Debut (Comedian in a Wheelchair) (42:56–52:59)

• Fiona’s self-effacing, sharp set:

  "The hardest part is just how unaware everyone is of what a great ass I have." (43:06)

• Details living with Friedreich’s ataxia and her love life, bringing humor to adversity.
• Roseanne Barr arrives, hailing Fiona:

  "You are the essence of what makes a great comedian. You’re not afraid to dig down in that fucking well of pain that I’m sure you’ve lived with. You turned it into something of joy and beauty. God love you, baby, you’re gonna be a star." (57:57, Roseanne Barr)

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4. Roseanne Barr’s Cameo (52:54–58:41)

• Offers praise, wisdom, and classic Roseanne irreverence:

  "I started doing mushrooms…and tomorrow I’m going to the ketamine clinic. It’s gonna be so good!" (55:03) "You dig down into that fucking pain…You turned it into something of joy and beauty." (57:52)

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5. Regulars’ Sets & Panel Riffs

Cam Patterson (61:18–70:06)

• Tackles the Diddy controversy in a controversial bit, describes almost hiring an escort in Vegas, and riffing on family reunions.

  "I fucked a lot of strippers…seeing the stripper that I be fucking and her getting money from another nigga made me feel happy..." (66:01)

• Panel teases Cam, especially about family T-shirts and food.

Notable Bucket Comics: Trials, Triumphs, and Train Wrecks

• New Logan, Tom Whalen, and Seattle Brothers Logan & Ethan deliver notably rough sets, with the panel roasting their performances and probing for real stories, sometimes mining accidental gold from their vulnerability and awkwardness.
• Jacob Jones brings energy and solid material on dolphins and a van-life hustle, redeeming the dry spell.

Michael Scott (“Different Michael Scott”) (95:27–101:09)

• Clever, dry delivery with racial commentary and “whitest”/“blackest” self-jibes:

  Tony: "Other than your voice, what do you think's the whitest thing about you?"
  Michael: "Certainly ain’t my dick." (99:18)

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6. Finale: William Montgomery’s Headliner Set (102:11–113:46)

• William, the show’s most veteran regular, closes with dark, punchy one-liners:

  "Twelve Years a Slave—let’s be honest, that’s kind of a light sentence." (102:11) Drops killer tags on world events, Lizzo, and panelists’ mothers.

• Post-set, Tony and Sam reminisce about Denver’s comedy scene, William’s wild pre-sobriety days, and Sam staying at William’s place:

  William: "Sam was my first kiss in Denver. Sam was honestly my first guest." (110:53)

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Notable Quotes & Standout Moments

• "Absolutely horrendous… even white rapping didn’t save that guy."
  – Sam Tallent on New Logan’s set (77:45)

• "All it took for you to write a good joke was a genocide."
  – Sam Tallent to Hans Kim (08:40)

• "You go down into that fucking pain… and you turned it into something of joy and beauty."
  – Roseanne Barr to Fiona Cauley (57:57)

• "Has this made you happy? Has it brought you joy?"
  – Tony to Tanvir, challenging him on his sexuality journey (32:54)

• William Montgomery’s Deadpan Closer:

  "I just put a bunch of rigatoni and some other stuff and a bunch of Dr. Pepper and it’s making the tastiest stuff." (104:17)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Sam Tallent’s welcome/banter: (03:14)
• Hans Kim performs & interview: (06:58–13:18)
• Caitlin K (Sex coach/stripper): (14:04–21:59)
• Tanvir Arora (Visa/America/Coming out): (22:22–34:05)
• Fiona Cauley’s debut & Roseanne Barr’s appearance: (42:56–58:41)
• Cam Patterson set & riffing: (61:18–70:06)
• Michael Scott ("different Michael Scott"): (95:27–101:09)
• William Montgomery headliner set: (102:11–113:46)

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Episode Tone & Atmosphere

Wild, unpredictable, and fiercely irreverent, this episode is a microcosm of Kill Tony’s legacy: ruthless honesty, off-the-cuff humor, and moments of unexpected heart. The unscripted panel commentary ranges from brutal to uplifting, especially when comics reveal truthful parts of themselves or bomb spectacularly. Sam Tallent’s sharp wit and Roseanne Barr’s unfiltered encouragement serve as two poles of comedic mentorship, while the regulars remind everyone what working, disciplined stand-ups look like—especially when contrasted with bucket lottery hopefuls.

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Final Takeaway

Kill Tony #668 is a classic blend of mayhem, stand-up, and raw authenticity. The episode features breakout sets (Fiona), deeply real interviews (Tanvir), legendary returns (William Montgomery), and the nurturing/roasting dichotomy that makes this format addictive—masterfully steered by Tony, Redban, and their powerhouse guests.

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[Listen on DeathSquad.tv or search “Kill Tony” wherever you get your podcasts.]

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on

[B]

Spotify and Apple podcasts.

[A]

If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.Com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Radh coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Get up for Tony.

[A]

It's glam. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? D. Yeah. Hello, everyone. You made it. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Brought to you by Talk Space, Mood and Chubbies. Hey, look, it's Brian Redman. Hey, everybody. Oh, my goodness. How about another hand for the best stand band in the land? Ladies and gentlemen, our horn players got stuck on the Runway in Virginia, but we have one beautiful Mexican here. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Muhling on the electric guitar, Seth one joining us on the keys while Deez is with Gary Clark Jr. And this is the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, my goodness gracious. How exciting. So much fun planned. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? We're back, baby. We're back home. Where it all goes down in beautiful Austin, Texas, one of the best comedians in the world, one of our favorite guests ever tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of the great and powerful Sam Talent. Oh, yeah, baby. Here he is. That's these people.

[B]

Get it.

[A]

We got some real comedy fans here tonight. Sam Talent, one of the best in the world. We love him. Come on in. The great and powerful Sam Talent is back. Welcome, Sam.

[B]

Hey. I just want to commend you on your great performance on the roast. It was very good.

[A]

Thank you so much. This is the first episode back since then. First episode back in Oscar.

[B]

Who wrote those jokes?

[A]

It was me.

[B]

No, I watched it with my mother in law and she was blown away.

[A]

Yeah, it was amazing.

[B]

She was. She's not an easy. That was a compliment. It was very good.

[A]

I loved her.

[B]

It went. Drew Bledsoe than you, I think.

[A]

Oh, you like Drew Bledsoe?

[B]

I'm a big bledsoe guy.

[A]

He sent me a case of his fucking wine, and I'm not a big wine guy, but I gotta tell ya, I cracked one of these bottles open the other night, smoked a blunt, drank some wine, and it was so good, I ended up getting drunk all by myself. Just drank a fucking bottle of red wine.

[B]

I think Drew does that a lot.

[A]

Yeah, I think so.

[B]

He had, like, puffy stop sign face.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's good. He licked his top teeth a lot, I noticed.

[B]

Yeah, because he was blasted on blow.

[A]

Yeah, probably.

[B]

Yeah. It's in his last name.

[A]

It's amazing. It is amazing. We had so much fun. A lot of football fun out there. You're a big bronco. Peyton Manning was there.

[B]

That's right. Yep.

[A]

There was some jokes I didn't get to do because I thought Peyton originally was gonna be out there the whole time. And I probably shouldn't do it. It doesn't make sense to do it. You guys want me to do it?

[B]

Here, here. I'll be Peyton Manning.

[A]

Yeah. There he is. There he is.

[B]

I'll be burnt.

[A]

So I was gonna say there's a cult. There's a cult. And a thank you, Red Band. Shut the up. No one knows what the you're talking about.

[B]

You'd want me to be Peyton Manning as Bird Kreischer.

[A]

No, no, no. It's okay. Let's just leave Bird out of it. Let's ignore everything that Red Band says. It's been a while since you've been a guest on the show. Let me remind you, Red Band, let's just ignore him completely throughout the night. We have a Colt and a Bronco here, and that's just Peyton Manning. And we have a Brown and a Steeler. And that's just Sam J. Because black people steal things. Not D Madness, though, because he can't find where our pockets are. All right, all right, Peyton. Thank you so much. How about a hand for Peyton Manning? Sam has been on the show numerous times. One of the great guests in the history of the show. You know how it works. An extraordinary amount of people, 216 souls, signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of their names, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and then I interview them. The entire show is improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to Start tonight's fucking show or what? The first name has been pre polled. And while they wrangled him from across the street at Poor Choices, a bar here on 6th street, we will start the show with one of our esteemed regulars, fresh off of an unbelievably unanimous decision victory in Los Angeles, California. He defended and we used. Fucking volume meter thing. What's that called?

[B]

Volumeter thing.

[A]

Decimal, decibel meter. We use the audience. We used everybody. It was completely unanimous, ladies and gentlemen. Sing it if you know the words. This is the return of Hans Kim.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

Thank you, guys. I recently watched the Joe Rogan Experience and I realized that watching Terrence Howard do math on Joe Rogan Experience is like watching an Asian play basketball in the NBA. Now I know how black people felt during Jeremy Lin. You guys ever notice that the more recently we bombed the country, the better their Uber drivers are? I can't even imagine how good these Palestinians are going to be. Food and water, everything they don't have there right now. I can't believe we convinced women to enjoy drag. Drag is just a bunch of men dressed up and acting like a cartoonish caricature of women. It's basically blackface for women. Thank you.

[A]

Exactly. 60 seconds. A professional and shall I say the newest member of the kil Tony hall of Fame.

[D]

Thank you, Tony.

[A]

Incredible, incredible achievement. Joining only Michael Lehrer, William Montgomery, and David Lucas.

[D]

I'm so honored. Hopefully I can. You know, usually people enter the hall of Fame at the end of their career. I hope I can continue to have a career.

[A]

Yes, we hope so, too. You've done it here tonight. Sam Tallent.

[B]

You know Hans, that was very good.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. I'm also surprised I said that to you, Hans. Yes, the Palestinian joke was great. All it took for you to write a good joke was a genocide. So that's good. That's a victory. Yeah. Usually I blast you, but. Hans, well played.

[D]

Thank you, Sam.

[B]

Game respects game.

[A]

Young Hans, that is.

[D]

I'd love to open for you one day.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Let's not go crazy, okay? Yeah. No, no. You also sell more tickets than me because of this joker over here.

[A]

It is true. Hans is one of the biggest draws in America right now. So eat that A.

[B]

So God is dead

[A]

and he's not coming back.

[B]

No, no. Yeah.

[A]

We love him. We love God here, here in Texas.

[B]

Which one?

[A]

The only one that matters. Joe Rogan. Hell, yeah.

[B]

He is somehow more powerful than the Jews.

[A]

It is incredible. It is incredible.

[B]

When he gets. When he gets fucking cloud Seeding down. It's all over.

[A]

So, Hans, what's been going on in your world? You've been celebrating what's happening?

[D]

I've been drinking. I've been smoking weed. I bought an AR15 recently.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

I've been really getting into shooting. It's a great hobby because everyone takes an interest in it.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Why'd you get the gun? That's hard for you to say.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. Our fellow comedian Chris D' Elia also got an AR15. He swears it's an AR18.

[B]

Very good, very good.

[A]

So are you drinking and shooting the AR15 or are those two separate things?

[D]

No, Wednesday. I did both.

[A]

Okay. And are you hitting targets with that?

[D]

Sometimes, yes.

[A]

Do you use like toothpicks to lift your eyes open or something?

[D]

It's very hard for me to see. I have. I. I'm left eye dominant.

[A]

What?

[D]

I'm left eye dominant. So when I hold the gun out, it's like I gotta go, like, I

[A]

gotta go like that. Whoa. What?

[B]

Left eye dominant?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

It's good for baseball.

[B]

It's even better for tlc.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

It was bad for Andre Risen, though.

[A]

That is true. You've seen the video with Left Eye, her last moments with the Coca Cola. And she's driving and then she. She swerves. You've seen it. There's a video of her dying.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah, there's a famous video of her.

[B]

We jerk off. The different things, Tony. I'm still good with big naturals, you know, but

[A]

I'm right hand dominant. But no, there's a video of Left Eye, famously in her last moments, and she dies by pulling what we would call a Hans Kim into a tree. That's a car accident, everybody.

[D]

I'm actually trying to buy Red Band's car right now.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you have a gun. You don't have to try anymore.

[A]

Yeah, be nice for him to get shot with something other than insulin.

[B]

No.

[A]

What else is going on, Hans?

[D]

I am trying to win my ex back. I am.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Why? All the fish in the sea and you love sushi. What's going on here?

[D]

I just think that we have a connection and we have a bond.

[B]

And the woman who broke up with you? Yeah, what's the connection?

[D]

We enjoy doordashing, food and, you know, playing Fortnite together.

[B]

That's so fucking easy.

[A]

You could just date an 18 year old chick, man. That's all they love.

[B]

And again, you have a gun.

[D]

Yeah, I haven't tried using the gun during dates.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You know what you do? You put it in your mouth and you say, make my gun come.

[A]

Thank you, Sam.

[B]

I'm happily married for 13 years. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Hans is literally gonna try that. So, Hans, you did it. You started the show. Thank you so much. It's so good to see you back in the stable again.

[D]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, kicking off the show, one of the legends of the game.

[B]

Hans, stay away from Virginia Tech. It's been done.

[A]

And now it truly begins. The heartbeat of the show, the bucket of destiny has spoken. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Now, again, anything can happen here. It could be the future superstar of the show. It could be an absolute failure. Anything can happen. We don't know. Let's meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Coming up for Caitlyn K. Everybody. Caitlin K.

[F]

So when I was younger, I was anorexic and bulimic, and I used to have people come up to me and say, oh, my God, what are you doing? I was like, I'm dying. They're like, death looks great on you. Keep doing it. Yeah. I recently had an emotional breakdown, and I know that everyone can tell because I got these obnoxious highlights, you know? Have you guys ever gotten a haircut so bad your husband turns on location tracking? Thank you. I am controlling, though, and in my relationship and I like to micromanage. All that means is that my husband microdoses mushrooms and then I manage it, so it's great. Also, a little fun fact for you. All the vagina walls are really strong. They can actually crack an egg. It's called a miscarriage over easy.

[A]

Okay. This is a very happy audience we have here tonight.

[B]

Very giving, very giving, very compassionate people defined by empathy.

[A]

Caitlin, welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand up comedy?

[F]

Like, two years.

[A]

Two years. Where at Dallas and now you live here. Are you still in Dallas?

[F]

No, I just come up from time to time to, you know, do mother. You know, sign up for mothership. And I've done. I've tried to sign up for Kill Tony a couple of times too. So.

[A]

Okay, and here you are. Would you say that that's best minute?

[F]

I mean, it's good enough? I.

[A]

For what exactly? What is it good? Okay, so I'm curious. That's where that's good enough?

[E]

So.

[F]

So I've been trying really hard to not give a bunch of sex jokes, right? Because I feel like that's really easy to make jokes about it. So I've been trying to be a little bit More clean. And that was me doing that attempt.

[G]

Right, Miscarriages.

[A]

Yes, yes. Good old clean miscarriage.

[F]

Everything up until that.

[A]

Everything up until that fell flatter than your chest. So that's the only a you're getting are the bra size.

[F]

It's true.

[A]

Welcome.

[B]

You should eat a lot more and you'll have huge jugs. It worked very well for me.

[F]

I'll take notes. I'll take notes on that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ye.

[A]

Caitlin, what do you do for work?

[F]

So I have been a stripper and a sex coach for a while and I.

[A]

Where are you a stripper at? Exactly what dilapidated comedy club are you a stripper at?

[F]

Yeah, it's at the Lodge in Dallas.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

What's your stage name? Bratz Doll

[F]

or Mad at my dad?

[H]

Barbie.

[F]

That one too. Yeah. No, it's.

[B]

Don't do any more bits.

[F]

Yeah, fair.

[A]

Yeah, fair. I got it. Just look at your tits. O. This tiny little, tiny little yellow M M's, everybody. Who wants one? There you go. All right.

[B]

You look healthy. You know, whoever you got your hair from had a good hair.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[F]

Thank you.

[B]

Yes. You're welcome.

[A]

Yes, it is incredible. That is. How many dalmatians have you tried to kill? The hairstyle is incredible.

[F]

More than I can count.

[A]

Yeah, Right. So you're a stripper and a sex coach. This is incredible. I don't think we've ever had a sex coach on this show before. What can you tell me?

[B]

I'm right here. Anyone need any tips? This is all you need. This is it.

[A]

That really is. That is.

[B]

Come hither.

[A]

That is true.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Not bad.

[A]

Go ahead, give us some of your great advice. Like, what is your. If you. If. If you're a sex coach, what would your, like, Fumble Rooski play be?

[I]

Ooh.

[H]

So I.

[F]

A lot of it has to do with communication, right?

[A]

So boring. Oh, welcome to the kingdom of boredom, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, out of all the sex coaching,

[G]

nothing better than talking to a loved one.

[A]

Oh, don't you just want to hear their voice some more? After a long dinner, wouldn't it just be great to talk about what you want? I'm getting hard just thinking about it. All right, what else? All right, all right, all right.

[B]

Oh, no. Hans did something brave. He finally earned a headline.

[A]

Okay, seriously, tell us about the communication that you're talking about.

[F]

Yeah, communication and oral is great because if you don't do it, you'll go blind, just so you know.

[B]

Well, remember what we said about bits.

[F]

Okay, I'll stop.

[B]

Be yourself. You're an enchanting You're a charming person.

[F]

Thank you.

[B]

Yes.

[F]

Yeah. Appreciate it.

[A]

So tell us more. I mean, that communication and oral, that's kind of like, what first base of coaching? What would be like master class, like, if we. If we. If we paid vast sums of money. What would be the point?

[B]

Yeah, because it's hard to talk with your mouth full. You know

[F]

that. That is also accurate. So masterclass it would be. Man, I keep. I'm sorry. I'm nervous. I am not gonna talk. I'm not gonna talk about communication again. Definitely not.

[A]

If you were gonna.

[F]

Lube is great. First of all, lube is amazing. A lot can. Lube can take you very far.

[A]

Do they pay you for your coaching?

[B]

That's like state in the office.

[G]

They do.

[F]

They do, yeah. Also, I have a talk show on pornhub, but you can't find it right now.

[A]

Very good. Michael Gonzalez. Wow. I've never heard you play the pornhub theme like that.

[B]

I thought you were saying very good. As if. Play her off. I thought, no. Is that what that sounds like? God, I can't. I can't really listen to it when I'm on the bus, you know, so. By the way, Tony, you could still

[A]

watch Pornhub if you have ExpressVPN. That is true. Use the promo code kiltoni and save 20% off your first month. So, Caitlyn, you have a husband.

[H]

Yes.

[A]

How long have you been with him?

[F]

Five years now.

[A]

Five years. What does he do for a living?

[B]

Let me guess. Plays bass in a rockabilly band.

[A]

That's a great fucking guess.

[F]

He's a lawyer, actually, and he's a comedian. So he signed up for this tonight.

[G]

Oh, jeez.

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

I really hope he comes out here. You guys seem to have a relationship built on humor.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

How long has he been doing stand up?

[F]

He's been doing it for six years now.

[A]

And so you saw him and you're like, I can do that.

[F]

I did improv for a little while and we met around the same. You're not wrong. You're not wrong about that.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, Caitlin K. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. This is an official little joke book by the Great Bonsai. Can you catch it?

[J]

There you go.

[A]

Here you go. Boom. There you go. Very good.

[B]

Good work, Caitlin.

[A]

She goes. Caitlin K, everybody. Getting the show started. She's a sex coach, everybody. Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. All right, your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Tanner. Aurora or Tan Veer. Aurora. Perhaps. Oh, okay, here we go.

[H]

Hey.

[G]

Have you all ever felt like punching someone in the face, but then you held back because you practice this form of meditation called being on a visa? I've been in this country 15 years. I'm still on a visa. That's insane, man. And quite honestly, now is when I feel the most American I've ever felt in my life. Because I was recently diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar, you name it. I'm really trying hard to fit in with you all, man. Come on. I recently had a baby, and I'll be honest, I never thought of myself to be like a dad. You know? I never thought I'd have that emotional connection with a child. But the day my daughter was born, I held it in my arms for the very first time. I got emotional. I started crying. You know why? Because that was the moment I realized this little thing is a citizen of the United States and I'm shit on a fucking visa. What's up with that? Yes. I mean, my time. Thank you.

[A]

Tanvir Arora.

[B]

Welcome.

[G]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Thank you for doing a good job.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Yeah, thank you.

[B]

It's been pretty tough so far.

[G]

All right.

[B]

We had to pretend that Hans was good, and then.

[G]

What did I miss?

[B]

Literally nothing. Okay.

[G]

Yeah, that's great. That's great. Immigrants for the well.

[B]

Let's pump the brakes.

[A]

Yeah, it's one step.

[G]

I shouldn't have said that. Sorry.

[A]

One step at a time. No, you're good. You're good. Tanvir, how long you been doing stand up?

[G]

About eight years.

[A]

Eight years. Where have you been doing it for eight years?

[G]

San Antonio, Texas.

[A]

Oh, wow. Okay. That's where you live?

[G]

Yep.

[A]

That's where you work?

[G]

That's where I work.

[B]

That's as far as you got, huh? You're like, I'm staying here?

[K]

Yep.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

I moved from Mumbai, India, to straight to San Antonio, Texas.

[B]

Wow.

[G]

Don't ask me.

[B]

The parish of South Texas. It is.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

What made you pick San Antonio exactly?

[G]

It was. I don't know, I just happened. No one picks San Antonio like that, but, I mean, I love the city,

[A]

but what did you do? You just blew a dart at the map.

[G]

That's my next place of attack.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[G]

It was a reflex. I apologize. It was a reflex. No, I got a job there and that's it. Like, I came.

[A]

What was your job? Trying to assassinate Indiana Jones.

[G]

And I was successful, wasn't I?

[A]

No, no, no. He wanted that one. It's Temple of Doom.

[G]

No, I do it.

[A]

Okay. What exactly do you do with it.

[B]

Oh, you have a follow up question. Let's keep mining this vein.

[G]

Yes, it's actually interesting. My new job is to, like, talk to clown identities. Hey, that's nostalgic as fuck.

[A]

His new stage name is Scam Patterson, everybody.

[G]

I actually have a story about Cam Patterson.

[A]

Can I. I mean, if you want to. Okay, sure. Is he gonna like this?

[G]

Probably. So Cam was in San Antonio just a couple of weeks ago, and at the station comedy club that I am part owners with. And Cam drops in. Everyone knows Cam. Everyone's like, excited about it. I do not know who Cam was.

[A]

Oh.

[G]

And I was just running a late show and I go in there and Cam's like, can I go up? I'm like, yeah, you can do three minutes.

[A]

Oh.

[G]

And then I walk off. And everyone gave me shit for that. They're like, what the fuck did you do?

[A]

Right?

[G]

He's Cam Patterson. And then Cam, I heard Cam say, apparently I'm not that big in San Antonio.

[B]

Well, at least he didn't call the cops.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

I'm thankful for Cam.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

I love it. So you're originally from Mumbai. What were you doing out there?

[G]

Just living with my parents.

[A]

Oh.

[G]

Doing nothing. Studying for or finding ways how to come to America.

[A]

Wow. And what was your plan? How did you end up executing this plan?

[G]

I got a master's degree in College Station, Texas, at A and M. Oh, nice. Nah, fuck that place. Nah.

[A]

Whoa.

[G]

Now imagine I moved from Mumbai, India, to fucking College Station, Texas, all right? No, that was. People come to this country to upgrade their lives. I fucking was. No, no, no, it was. I was. I started slumming in America. That's not how it should have been. No.

[A]

Wow. Slumdog Millionaire over here.

[G]

In reverse. In reverse.

[A]

Incredible. Did you ride on top of the train the whole way to America?

[B]

No, no, no. He took a carpet, you fool.

[A]

Oh, a carpet.

[C]

It's a shy one.

[G]

Wrong and wrong. It was an airplane, y'.

[A]

All.

[G]

It was an airplane.

[A]

Oh, no, that's not good. Oh, no. We don't like your type on airplanes. No, you didn't. I love it. What do you do for fun, Tanvira, when you're not doing stand up comedy? What do you. What do you like to do? You ever go to the Lodge strip club and look at the tiniest tits you've ever seen in your life?

[G]

I have not. But that sounds like a good idea. After this.

[A]

All nipples out there. It's all nipples. That's what they say. 100% nips.

[B]

You can Read her like Braille.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

D. Yeah, sorry.

[A]

D. Can't read Yellow Eminem. There you go.

[G]

I would try it, but, you know, I'm gonna visa. I'm not risking that. I'm not doing that.

[B]

D. You can read. I lost. D. All right.

[A]

You have a. You have a baby, you said.

[G]

I do have a baby.

[A]

How old's your baby?

[G]

It's. She's two and a half now.

[A]

Two and a half?

[G]

Yep.

[A]

Very good. And what does your wife do?

[G]

Oh, fuck. We recently separated.

[A]

Oh. What happened exactly? Tell us. Give us the dirt. You're on a podcast now?

[B]

Well, have you stoned her to death yet?

[L]

Oh,

[G]

I cheated.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[G]

Whoa.

[A]

Wow. You couldn't keep your little snake in its pants.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. How enchanting was that flute music?

[G]

How many people watch this again?

[A]

Millions. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, the most.

[G]

But in my defense, it was with the dude.

[A]

Whoa, wait. Tell us more. I'm hard as a rock.

[G]

Ah, there you go.

[A]

You shouldn't see a rock around you either.

[G]

Now I actually say comedy. I blame comedy for it. It's kind. It made me, like, explore. Like, okay. Coming to America explodes things. I learn about things. And I'm like, all right, you can. You can follow different religions. You can explore your sexuality.

[A]

Shut up, dude. Coming to. Okay.

[B]

How good was Debussy?

[A]

How did you end up with the dude? What are you talking about?

[G]

I went on Grindr.

[A]

And you just wanted to experiment? I just wanted to experiment for you.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

And you've never been with a man before? No. So you downloaded the Grindr app.

[G]

Yep.

[A]

Right. Your heart's beating out of control.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you're like, what am I doing? I've never done anything like this before.

[C]

This is crazy.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You thought it was the Doordash app.

[G]

That would have been hot, honestly. But basically.

[A]

Basically, Dick Dash is what it is. So you download the app, and then what happens? Take us step by step through it.

[G]

Oh, Downloading the app, looked at a bunch of guys, talked to a few, settled on one and sucked his dick.

[A]

And then. This is unbelievable.

[B]

This is.

[G]

I. I cannot believe I'm saying I love it.

[A]

You're. This is great. This is what a great interview looks like. Ladies and gentlemen. How about a hand for tan beer?

[G]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

[A]

Sometimes you just gotta take your medicine and swallow it. Speaking of which, did you finish him off to completion?

[G]

Hell, yeah. And like a true American.

[A]

All right,

[G]

give me that green card now.

[E]

Come on.

[B]

Was he like, can I come on your turban? You want?

[G]

I Can't believe that's a fetish people have.

[A]

Is it really?

[G]

The number of times people have asked me to do, like, wait, how many

[A]

dicks have you sucked since then? We opened up the gateway, huh?

[G]

It's like, I keep digging my grave. I don't know why I should leave.

[A]

You're doing great.

[B]

You're doing a great job.

[G]

Thank you.

[B]

Everyone's laughing.

[G]

Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

Now, when you suck these dicks, did you at all. Did you think about your newborn child at all while you were.

[G]

Oh, my God, I am gonna cry.

[A]

Everywhere you go, you have a come rag, so it works out for you. There you go. Whoa. Red band from three.

[G]

I'll allow that. I'll allow that.

[A]

Okay, so it sounds like after you. After you did this, you started doing it a lot more.

[G]

Yes.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's kind of like it's your.

[A]

I'm not a chin. What? Sorry, What?

[B]

Sam, it's like it's your whole thing now. It defines you.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Have you been like, I'm in comedy as well.

[A]

Right. Of course.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. You're sucking at many things at once. So is that. Is that your thing, mostly just sucking men's penises or have you experimented with other things as well?

[G]

No, that's it. That's about it.

[A]

Sucking and having a good time.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Telling jokes and sucking dicks.

[G]

That's my thing.

[A]

Would you like to do a spot at the secret show on.

[G]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking.

[G]

Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

[A]

Okay, you got it. Actually, just book them. Who gives a. Five minutes.

[G]

All right. Thank you so much.

[A]

No, hold on. I got. All right, questions for you, Tambira. This is too interesting. I think there's a lot of people at home that are stuck with a. With a wife they don't love and are probably thinking about doing gay. And I want them to hear.

[B]

Yeah, it might. It might keep them up at night. Honestly.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Has this been. Has this made you happy? Has it brought you joy?

[G]

Honestly? Yeah.

[A]

If.

[G]

I mean, yeah, it's. It's freeing. It's. You don't have to hide it anymore. This is who I am and it's out there.

[L]

Yeah.

[A]

It's who you are. Absolutely incredible.

[L]

Yeah.

[G]

Thank you. Thank you. If people in India watch this. I'm fucking banned from India, by the way. Just. Well, I'm not allowed there now.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

It's very true.

[G]

It is like my parents are going to disown me after this. Like, this is this Is happening.

[B]

Well, hey, at least you're going to do the secret show.

[G]

Exactly.

[M]

No.

[G]

A final sugar daddy on that show.

[A]

So how many San Antonio dicks do you think you've sucked? Have you sucked? Allah. Allah. The dicks.

[G]

Interestingly, no Indian or Pakistani dicks yet, my man. True American man.

[A]

Absolutely. All right. Well, Tanvir, very amazing interview. Fun set. Here's a joke for Tanvir. Congratulations.

[B]

Welcome.

[A]

All right. We're having fun.

[B]

All right.

[A]

We're cooking. San beer. Left. Left his wife and a baby to just go suck. You gotta love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Miller Ford, everybody. Miller Ford.

[N]

What's up, everybody? I'm Miller Ford. I have been told I look like Matthew McConaughey with Down syndrome. At least that's what my mom always told me. My eyes are too close together. Your chicks out. I don't know about you guys, but I hope whoever hired Pete Davison as a celebrity spokesman of Taco Bell got a raise. Because I've never seen someone who looks more like how Taco Bell makes me feel tattooed and pale on the inside. Yeah, I. I'm in a successful relationship right now. It's my first. First age gap relationship. I think it's going well because I just went to her graduation. I did not know middle schools had those things. Yeah. Everybody. Every time I tell somebody I'm in an age gap relationship, they look at me like I'm some kind of creep or master manipulator. That is not the case at all. I met my girlfriend the normal way. I was her fifth grade PE coach.

[A]

Yeah.

[N]

I just got her number. We stayed in touch during holidays and I checked in on her mom when she was sick. You know, that's. Guys, thank you so much. My name's Miller Ford. It's awesome to be here.

[A]

Okay. Wow. Someone enjoyed it. Glad you're having a blast. Miller Ford. That was creepier than it was funny.

[N]

Thank you.

[A]

It's a frightening set. How long you been doing stand up?

[N]

3 and a half years.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. No way.

[N]

Yeah. Oops.

[A]

Oops. That's right. What tried like.

[B]

Like talking and the jokes into the microphone.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[N]

You know, you didn't say how long

[B]

you've been standing up.

[N]

It's true.

[B]

Stand up comedy today.

[N]

Yes. Stand up comedy. Yes. Three and a half years.

[A]

Where at? Where have you been doing this?

[N]

In Aspen, Colorado.

[A]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Killing it.

[B]

There's a crazy open mic scene in Aspen.

[O]

Let me tell you.

[N]

I saw you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[N]

I. I Manage a restaurant.

[A]

Okay. What restaurant?

[N]

It's called Pussyfoot Steeps.

[I]

Wow.

[A]

Okay. How old are you?

[N]

I am old. I'm 43.

[A]

43 years old?

[N]

Yes. I think.

[A]

Managing a restaurant.

[B]

Do you have a pituitary disorder?

[N]

Yeah, I do.

[B]

You do, right?

[N]

If I knew what a pituitary was, I would.

[B]

Why do you age? Didn't you look frail?

[N]

I quit drinking eight years ago. That was. That was a helper.

[B]

That's one of your better stories.

[A]

What made you quit drinking? What was your problem?

[N]

I was. I drank a lot, so I. Oh, my bottom is actually. It went viral.

[B]

Did you get your dick sucked by that guy?

[N]

Not yet.

[A]

Okay, it's about your bottom that went viral.

[N]

Well, it went viral, so it's really easy to access. All you need to do is.

[A]

Why don't you just tell us?

[N]

It's okay. It's just Miller, Ford, Aspen. Just type it in. Miller, Ford, Aspen. And it. I said something funny to the police when they were arresting me in the New York Day. The Associated Press picked it up afterwards.

[A]

Did you think it was funny or was it actually funny?

[N]

It was funny when I read it, like, like two years later.

[A]

Tell us what it is.

[N]

It was, of course, I said to the. I said to the police when they. They asked me, is that cocaine up your nose? I said, of course it's cocaine up my nose. It's Aspen.

[A]

And then that.

[N]

We just went and it was everywhere.

[A]

And then the next thing you know, you're managing a restaurant.

[N]

Trickle down effect works there. So it's like. It's nice there.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

How did that make the news?

[N]

I don't know. The New York Daily News picked it up like, two days later. And then it was like, on smoking.

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Wow, look at your head there.

[N]

Holy.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[N]

Yes.

[B]

You look like T.J. miller. Yeah.

[N]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[N]

That is the before and after picture if I've ever seen one. Yes.

[A]

Look, that could be you, too. Bloated, inflamed face.

[G]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God. That is incredible.

[N]

The. The love child of Nick Nolte.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Now, when that guy got that picture taken, were you funny then?

[N]

Yes. I, I. To certain crowds, I would say, what

[A]

makes you stay in Aspen? Why Aspen?

[N]

I. I love to ski. I like the people, the community's great. And trickle down effect works there. So you don't snowboard? I don't.

[A]

Why is that? Have you tried it?

[N]

No, I, I have never tried. I. I tried snowboarding and I was like, I'm gonna hurt myself doing this. I should probably stick.

[A]

You made us all bored tonight. So. Villains are created. I have nothing to lose. I manage Pussyfoot Jenkins Seafood Restaurant, Colorado. Hans, can I borrow your AR15? Incredible. What's your love life like? You seem like your dick doesn't work.

[N]

It's good. I've been in a very happy relationship for the past three years. And it's. It's been nice.

[A]

What does she do?

[N]

She is currently out in California counting spotted owls.

[A]

Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

[B]

So she's completely made up.

[N]

Thank you.

[B]

That is the most insane pussy lie I've ever heard. Yeah, no one can call you on that. Besides, like, well known ornithologists. I've lied about getting some snooch. Don't worry, man. All right. Yeah. My wife was born a woman.

[A]

Wait, I think I hear a spotted owl. D Madness is doing that with his hands somehow. It's very. I don't know how he's doing that, but so. So let me ask you. Do you believe that she's just out in California looking for spotted owls? You believe her? You trust her? After hearing Tan Veer just cheated on his baby mama with dicks? It's a wild world we're living in.

[N]

I do believe she's just counting owls.

[A]

Yeah. Okay, so you think you dick her down hard enough for her to go to California and just check out owls and she's totally happy? What's your special move in the bedroom?

[N]

I don't think it's the. It's more of the mouth.

[A]

What do you do with your mouth?

[N]

Exactly.

[A]

Can you show us? Can we get some eating music and a spotlight? One, two. One, two, three, four. Oh, that's her, bro. That's her ass. Oh, whoa, whoa.

[B]

How long is her clip?

[N]

It's a combination of both.

[A]

Okay. What do you. Wait, don't lick the microphone. Put the microphone down. There you go. Show us. Okay, There you go. Now we're. Now he's getting into it. Face the audience.

[B]

Show them.

[A]

Oh, oh, whoa. Oh.

[B]

Keep going.

[A]

All right, that's. That's good. Miller, Ford, anything else crazy we should know about you and about your entire life?

[N]

You know that. And. Yeah, man, I. I am so fre. I never have signed up for this. I came to Austin to do the open mics for a month, and all of a sudden they said my name and my brain just exploded. And I'm so happy to meet you. See you, Sam, again. And it's just. Dude, Austin, this is awesome.

[A]

Look out at the audience. Are your eyes slowly getting closer together? He's turning into A cyclops right in front of us right now. Miller, here's a joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Miller.

[N]

Thanks, everybody.

[A]

All right, we're gonna do something special right now, live on the show. You're to going. Going to get to meet a. A brand new comedian. I met her after I did stand up at the Ryman Auditorium, AKA the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. There was a big comedy festival going on, and my squad told me that she's an amazing comedian. She said, she's coming to Austin. I said, I guarantee you a spot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut. The first minute ever done by the great, brand new Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen, Fiona Collie, everyone. Make some noise for Fiona, everybody. You can do better than that. All the way from Nashville, Tennessee, her Austin, Texas debut and her Kill Tony debut all at once. One more time for Fiona Cauley, everybody.

[H]

We can talk about it. So I've been in a wheelchair for a few years now, and the most common question I get. People want to know what is the hardest part about living life from a wheelchair? And you know, for me personally, the hardest part is just how unaware everyone is of what a great ass I have. Take my word for it. Y' all know how men will brag about like, ah, I fucked her so good she couldn't walk the next day. Rude. Well, I'm. I'm looking for a man who can bug me so good that I can.

[A]

Fiona Cawley has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Hello, Fiona.

[H]

Hello.

[A]

How are you? You are the hottest chick in a wheelchair I've ever seen.

[B]

And he's done the research.

[A]

It's a thing. Old hot wheels over there. So, Fiona, what is, first of all, hilarious? Amazing.

[B]

Yeah. Great work, great jokes.

[H]

Thank you.

[A]

Amazing. Funnier than all the bucket polls. Yeah. Amazing. So what is your condition?

[H]

Yeah, I have a rare neurological disease called Friedreich's ataxia. It's progressive. It affects your muscles.

[B]

So it's gonna get worse.

[H]

Yeah. Hell yeah.

[A]

Party time.

[B]

Well, that's. That's a feather in your cap. Okay, So. Yeah.

[A]

How long have you been doing stand up? Three years. Three years. All of it in Nashville?

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

I love it. I love it. You leave Nashville a lot, traveling, so it's probably right. Tremendously.

[I]

Yeah.

[H]

It's fucking awful. This is my traveling chair, though, so the accessor.

[B]

I drove you all the way down to Austin.

[H]

Yeah. Great gas mileage.

[A]

I see you got a white claw there. You're able to get a little trashed, huh?

[H]

Oh, yeah. I mean, you never know how drunk you are till you stand up. So.

[A]

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

[B]

Get him. Do more.

[A]

So tell us more about your life, Fiona. I'm interested in finding out more about your anything.

[H]

Yeah, I'm a big ramp. Enthusiastic.

[B]

You mean the incline, not the delicious root vegetable, right?

[H]

Correct.

[B]

Okay.

[H]

Yeah. Vegetables. Don't eat vegetables.

[A]

Wow. Boom. A cold blooded assassin. I love it, Fiona. So what is your love life like?

[H]

I have a boyfriend. Yeah. Even me. Yeah.

[A]

I love it. And what does he do?

[H]

He's a comedian.

[A]

Okay. All right. And you guys met, like, an open

[H]

mic or something at Zany's in Nashville? Yeah.

[A]

One of the best comedy clubs in the country. No doubt about it. Zany's in Nashville. Okay, so you met him there, and then how does that go? What do you guys do on a first date? You guys go, oh, my gosh.

[H]

Okay. This is true. Okay. We went to eat food and we went back to my place, and he turned on Love on the Spectrum.

[A]

Oh, shit. Yeah.

[B]

Well, he didn't want to ask what you had. You know, he's like, hey, I like this show. Do you ever really relate to these guys? Because they're. They're living normal lives, you know? Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so love on the Spectrum. And then what happens? Does he make a move on night one?

[H]

No, he would not let me kiss him.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Is he a burn victim?

[A]

Yeah. Why would he let you kiss him? What is he a gay Indian man?

[H]

No, he thought this would be contagious, but.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Now, how long have you been with this gentleman?

[H]

Nine months.

[B]

Nine months. And was there any fear initially that he might be, like, a perv and trying to fetishize you?

[H]

Yeah, I think the hard part about dating when you're in a wheelchair is, like, first off, you gotta find out, like, are you the first, second, or third, if you like.

[B]

Are you talking about the gears on your chair?

[H]

You really can only have one, though. Like, if he does. What's this again? It's. You're on a list somewhere.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Yeah. List to say, don't let them dine upstairs. Yeah.

[A]

Yep. We don't allow any four wheelers around here, you know?

[H]

I mean, but he's a short man, and short men love women in wheelchairs.

[A]

Hell, yeah, they do. Hell, yeah. They can tower over them at all times.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Short man's delight.

[H]

Short man's wet dream.

[B]

Yeah, I'm just thinking about your tiny boyfriend sitting like a cat in your lap as you motor around, you know?

[A]

Absolutely incredible.

[B]

Does he ever sketch on the back of the chair.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[H]

The little fucking. Yeah.

[B]

Like a skateboard or a sled or something.

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

Sidecar on my fucking.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

You have a lot of money. Can you build her a sidecar for that thing?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we could.

[B]

That'd be great.

[A]

We'll save it for the home chair, though, not the travel chair. We don't want to clutter up the travel chair.

[B]

I met Fiona in Denver and she opened a show that I was doing and she was very funny. And this is great. You did such a good job.

[H]

You carried me up a flight of

[B]

stairs and I didn't cop a feel.

[H]

Not. It's true. It's true.

[B]

Yes, I did. I did not. I was a gentleman about it. Yes.

[H]

The whole time. That's so nice.

[B]

Did I think I could probably get away with this? Yes, I did.

[H]

You're like. Can't you even feel it?

[B]

Like, yeah,

[A]

Fiona, I love it. How long are you in Austin for?

[H]

Till Friday.

[A]

Till Friday. Happy to have you on the secret show. Yeah. Thursday night. Thursday night. That's when your show is upstairs. Oh, you have an elevator.

[B]

We got a couple big guys.

[H]

Sunset Strip. I did a show there. I got carried.

[A]

Okay. Yep. We're gonna carry you all the way to the fucking mountaintop. Fiona, I feel.

[B]

I feel like a star was born here tonight. You did an excellent job.

[A]

No doubt about it. And to confirm that a star is born, we have a very special guest that swung by tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, making a little cameo. Make some noise for one of the greatest comedians of all time, and without a doubt, the greatest female stand up comedian of all time, ladies and gentlemen, popping in to say hello, friend of the show, fellow Texan, Roseanne Barr. Make some noise for Roseanne one more time, people. The queen has arrived.

[B]

Okay, I noticed you didn't stand up.

[I]

How's that? I stumble my way drunkenly to the forum here. I just wanna say you killed it. You were the fucking comedy assassin on that roast.

[A]

Oh, thank you, Roseanne.

[I]

He is the comedy assassin. No fear, no limits, no boundaries. Fuck yeah, bitch.

[A]

Well, I learned from my comedy store forefathers and four mothers, and you're one of my four mothers.

[I]

This. It's lovely to see all these young people here. I love. I'm 72 fucking years old. I never thought I'd live this long. Hence, I would never have done all the drugs and drink. And if I knew I was gonna live this long, I would have took better care of myself, you know? But whatever. It's nice to see you all Well, I just dropped in because, you know, I wanted to watch people. And you starred at my comedy club in Denver. The comedy works.

[B]

Yes, ma'.

[A]

Am. Yep.

[I]

Isn't that something? You are so funny. I've never seen you before. Tony said you're gonna be blown away by this guy. I am blown away. I'm blown away with how funny you are, Mr.

[A]

Talent.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you, Roseanne. It's very kind of you to say.

[I]

He's pretty good. Ain't from Denver. This guy, big fat guy, all tattooed. It's so great.

[B]

Could have just said I was funny,

[I]

but yes, it's so awesome.

[B]

It's good to know at your old age your eyesight still works. It's also crazy of you to brag about being 72 in front of Fiona, you know?

[A]

Yeah, she's not gonna make it to 72.

[I]

Why?

[B]

She's got wiggle bum or something. I don't know.

[A]

She's got one white claw now. She's gonna have two in a few months.

[I]

Well, I'm actually here as the comedy grandma to the comedians, you know? And, you know, I love to encourage. When I see talent, I love to encourage. Cause I love the comedians because this is. Here I go. I'm drunk, and I'm on. I'm drunk as fuck, and I'm on the mushrooms. I started doing. I started doing the mushrooms, and it's really helping. And tomorrow I'm going to the ketamine clinic. It's gonna be so good. I'm gonna be over the depression of the antisemitism running fucking wild. I'm gonna deal with it, you know?

[B]

I'm gonna be able to deal with it.

[I]

I'm gonna be able to deal with it.

[B]

I heard ketamine fixes everything. Almost. Almost everything. Fiona.

[I]

I hope so. We need help, but there's too much hate, you know? And the thing is, here's my Jewish grandmother. Blessing on you, my child.

[A]

Wait, did you just take coins out of her pocket? What kind of Jewish blessing is that? That's a stereotype right there. All right, all right. God damn.

[I]

What a great fucking drummer. What a great fucking drummer. What a band. What a fucking great band.

[C]

I have blown them all.

[I]

I mean, heard them all. And this band is great. Y' all are great. I love you. But I just want to say I think you are just so great. Everyone loves you. Everyone loves you.

[A]

You.

[I]

You are the essence of what makes a comedian to dig. Stop laughing. I'll slap your fucking face. I'm being serious to you. I'm you know, I didn't start the academy. And that's when you get nice. They say, I'll be able to get nice. That would be so cool. But you are the essence of a comedian, a great one. Because you know why? You go down into that fucking pain.

[B]

She can't go up.

[I]

You go.

[B]

I'm sorry,

[A]

did she just kick you?

[B]

No, I'm reading the Room. I'm sorry, ma'.

[A]

Am.

[I]

You're making me want to go off on your fat ass in about one minute. Don't interrupt when I'm praising people. And I praised you, so shut up. Because you are great. But you are the essence of what makes a great comedian. You're not afraid to dig down in that fucking well of pain that I'm sure you've lived with. Am I right? You lived through it. And you turned it into something of joy and beauty. God love you, baby. You're gonna be a star.

[G]

Boom.

[I]

You're so funny. Your jokes are well written, your premises are fantastic. You're brave, you're beautiful, and you're funny as shit.

[A]

And I love you, Roseanne Barr, with a little fucking wisdom, the queen bee. Make some noise for Texas own Roseanne Barr. That's right. Yeah. What the fuck is right, Fiona? That's okay. Just don't get your tears on your joystick. I don't want you to fly into the audience. No stage diving here tonight. I don't want that thing to fucking short circuit. Fiona, you just got your flowers from one of the all time goats, Roseanne Barr. You had an amazing set. Sam. Anything else?

[B]

No, I thought you were talking about me, but yes, also Roseanne seems to have taken a. Like. That's good.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Yeah. Where's Roseanne's chair?

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Her wheelchair.

[G]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, no, she's good. Fully operational, 72 years old, killing it on mushrooms. Drunk as a skunk. Hilarious. Cool as fuck. We love Roseanne.

[B]

Denver legend.

[A]

Roseanne, absolutely. And Fiona, you too are now an Austin legend. Welcome to Austin Austin, Texas. Enjoy the rest of your week. You're on the secret show. You're doing it. We love you. Time to back that ass up. Fiona Cauley, ladies and gentlemen. Follower on social media. F I O N A C A U L E Y Colley. C A U L E Y. One more time for Fiona. You can run into him. He's blind. It's okay. It's all good. He's blind. It's all right. He's fine. Oh, red band. Red band. You're out. Of control tonight. Jesus Christ. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a legend, One of our esteemed regulars, one of the best ever in the show's history. Make some noise for one of your favorites, the one, the only, Cam motherfucking Patterson.

[C]

All right, let's talk about beating bitches. So listen, I know y' all seen that Diddy shit. Diddy, Diddy with hitting that girl in the elevators. You seen.

[E]

You see it?

[C]

Fuck you then, nigga. It's not for you. If you did see it, though, did it be the bitch And a long time ago. And my auntie a thug. My auntie a real street nigga. And she sent me the real. She sent me the video. And she was like, hey, fuck, nigga, you becoming somebody in life. Don't be beating hoes dot, dot, dot on camera. What kind of fucking backwards ass advice is that, dog? They gonna be like, oh, shit. Oh, nevermind. Come over here real quick, bitch. That's crazy, bro. The crazy thing about the Diddy. The Diddy thing to me is, like, I was always taught in my life. I don't. Listen, look at me. I do not think hitting women is cool. It's not dope. You shouldn't do it. I was always taught my life, if you gonna be good at something, be the best at it. And that nigga did it pretty fucking good at bitch beating. Listen, I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole life. I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole. I can never tuck a towel and walk one step. This nigga tucked the tile around the hallway and it kicked it with full velocity without the tile. Untuck it. Listen, if I had to rate it like he was a diver, like he was a professional diver, I'd give him a 9. You feel what I'm saying? All right, let's see. I got something.

[A]

Cam Patterson talking about beating bitches and tucking towels.

[C]

Come on, man.

[A]

If you need help learning how to tuck a towel, the comedian Tan Veer can show you with his head wrap.

[C]

Hey, that nigga gay, man. I didn't know he was gay, man.

[A]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[B]

I think he's exploring.

[C]

N. First of all, to be like, I want to do some gay singing, but I'mma suck a dick first is crazy, right? No.

[B]

What do you do?

[E]

Nothing.

[C]

None of that.

[A]

The moment Maker Camp, hard at work.

[C]

Even though I do love gay people.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[C]

I know. Hell yeah, man.

[A]

Keeping the gays on your side.

[C]

You gotta say it. You gotta tell them that I love y'.

[E]

All.

[A]

Man, real Cam's running for president of the naacp. I love it. You really don't know how to tuck a towel?

[C]

Hell, no. I never learned.

[A]

So interesting.

[C]

You know how to tuck a towel real good?

[A]

Yeah, man.

[B]

I don't know what you guys talking about.

[A]

The wrapping. How you wrap a towel around you and then you. You yank it a couple times, then you take the one part and you put it over.

[B]

I can't do that.

[A]

You can't do with the size of your waist.

[B]

Yes. Thank you. Yes.

[A]

You need a beach towel, perhaps? Paper towel?

[C]

Yeah. I can't do it. It's one of the things I can't do.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

So to see him beat a bitch, it was. And that shit never untucked. I'm like this. Not good. Not a good guy, but pretty goaded, bro. You feel what I'm saying?

[B]

Sounds like it was inspirational to you.

[C]

I don't hit women. I would never hit a woman in my life. I hit that, but never.

[A]

Yeah, she's just talking too much.

[C]

But that in the other bits, I never hit.

[A]

I never knowing all night. There's like a random kitty cat in the back of the room.

[C]

Yeah, that is terrible.

[A]

Yeah. The worst.

[C]

Somebody should beat that, but not me.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

Not Cam Patterson,

[A]

the drummer, going out of control over here, Cam. How's life been? What's been shaking? We just got back from a crazy couple weeks in Los Angeles. What else?

[C]

Shit been crazy. I went to Vegas for the first time.

[A]

Ooh.

[C]

I almost bought some pussy for the first time.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I don't really. I don't buy pussy. Pussy. I don't pay for it. I'm a real thug. So you can't buy pussy in where I'm from. You feel what I'm saying? But I almost did it. But then it got like. The thing that stopped me from doing it was I walked outside in Vegas and it was like, morning. And then I was like, nah, I can't buy no pussy in the morning. That's crazy. You can't buy pussy at 6am you got to buy pussy at night. That's when you buy pussy.

[B]

It's not a sunrise activity.

[C]

Yeah, that's some fucked up shit.

[A]

4pM's the best pussy you can buy, huh? 4pm's the best pussy you can buy. It's fresh, you know? You get that? 6:00am One red man.

[C]

You fucking scare me sometimes. You put real fear in my heart. Some things I be like, red man is gonna kill somebody one day.

[A]

Day.

[C]

I swear to God, I Love you, though.

[A]

He loves you. N word. I'm just.

[K]

Just.

[A]

So you did. But what made you want to buy first?

[C]

But I just seen a. And I was like, I'll pay for that.

[A]

And then you're like, nah.

[C]

Yeah, I walk outside like, never mind.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

So you're a gentleman.

[C]

I'm a good guy, man. You feel what I'm saying? Buying pussy just. It don't make no sense to me, bro. I've also, like, I fucked a lot of strippers in my life, so, like, seeing the stripper that I be fucking and her getting money from another nigga, it's like, made me feel happy. Like, you paying to see this bitch dance, and I'm finna fuck her for free. You see what I'm saying? You get what I'm saying, right? Lame, man.

[B]

Nah, we live very different lives, you and I. It's nice. That's why you gotta stay friends with the young generation, because they keep you fresh, you know?

[C]

Oh, man, we locked in.

[B]

So you know, I'm with the movement.

[C]

Hell yeah.

[B]

The whole scene, man. Oh, yeah. All right.

[A]

Amazing.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

What else is going on in your world? Anything else fun happening?

[C]

Them fuck niggas on Reddit got me. They got on my head for a second.

[A]

Why? What?

[C]

They said I had stole the joke. Yeah, you seen that shit? And I saw the joke. It was close. I would tell you that.

[A]

I mean, that happens.

[C]

I'm like, oh, wait a minute, brother. Oh.

[A]

Literally only so many premises out there. It can be close. That happens.

[C]

Yeah, but I talked about it. We talked it out. Name was a Varza or some. He like an Indian. Yeah, that we don't hear. Indian.

[B]

You're gonna say all the fun words.

[C]

What?

[K]

You.

[A]

You can say Indian. Hell no.

[C]

You can say Indian as long as you want to say it. Do it real quick. Indian.

[B]

Indian, nigga.

[A]

Some teamwork there. Interesting.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So what else. What else is going on?

[C]

What else is going on? Shit, I went back to my family reunion for a second. That was pretty cool. But other than that, nigga, you know what I'm saying? Same shit.

[B]

You went to a family reunion?

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

Where's the airbrush T shirt? Hey.

[G]

No.

[A]

Hey.

[C]

Nah. Real. Real shit, though. I think my family going broke, man. Like. Cause I went back and usually we got, like a T shirt every year. We all got. We always have a T shirt. And this shit, it was like the theme for this year is bring, like a old T shirt. I'm like, nigga, why we can't make no new Ones, nigga. You know what I'm saying? I think we losing our money or something.

[B]

You're just all wearing the in memoriams from last year. T. Ray would have wanted this. He loved Cornhole.

[A]

What do you guys do at your family reunion? What exactly takes place?

[C]

Hey, shit. Really? I hang out with all my cousins. I can't see that much. Oh, I took my cousin to a rave. That was cool.

[A]

Hell, a rave.

[C]

So I went back home. I did a show at a place called Costa Cradle. And then that same night, they were like, hey, by the way, we having a rave. You want to come back? And all my cousins like thugs. I was like, this is gonna be very interesting to see.

[B]

So it was a social experiment.

[C]

Yeah, really, it was.

[B]

You're like Darwin.

[C]

I was doing this shit for comedic purpose. I was like, I wanna see these niggas behave in a rave. And then at first, it was, like, really weird. Cause they were like, I don't like it. The smell in here, that's what they're really upset about. And then we just got drunk, and they were just dancing and having a good time like everybody else was.

[G]

It was cool.

[B]

Black guys do smell very good.

[C]

Yeah, we always smell good. No gay shit, dude.

[A]

It's a big deal. Smelling good's a big deal. But let's go back to the family reunion. What kind of food was served?

[E]

Come on.

[C]

What was your date on?

[A]

I just want to hear you say it.

[C]

I don't want to tell you. We had. We had crepes, nigga.

[A]

Wait, you had fried chicken crepes?

[C]

Oh, no, That was the wife I can think of in the moment. I can't think of shit. Very good.

[J]

Hats off.

[C]

Come on. Come on. We had green bean casserole, nigga.

[A]

Ooh. Okay, I'm lying.

[C]

That's y'.

[M]

All.

[C]

That what y' all do. I'm just making it sound good for the rest of y'.

[J]

All.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Me and the whites, nigga.

[A]

That's right. The Whites love Cam, and Cam loves the Whites and the gays.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Make some noise for fucking Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. The man, the myth, the legend. On to the next one. Another name out of the bucket. We're gonna meet them all together now, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for new Logan, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for New Log.

[E]

How's everybody doing? Real quick, everybody, do a headstand on your head. If you're not gay,

[B]

you're gay.

[E]

Oh, shit. I guess everybody in here Is gay. That's cool. I like gay people, though. Let me. Let me get a round of applause. Who here wants a free NBA jersey? Let me see who wants it?

[A]

Whoever wants it the most, I'll fucking give it to you. Who the fuck wants it? Let's go.

[E]

Keep your hands raised. Keep them up. Keep them up. Oh, shit. It's. It's a Josh Giddy jersey. You want it?

[A]

Boo this guy.

[C]

He's a pedophile.

[A]

Boo him.

[E]

Sorry. This is a bad set, y'.

[M]

All.

[E]

I ran here from my house about five miles away, so that's why I'm all sweaty. But I'm not too tired that I can't still Roseanne later, so thank y'.

[A]

All. Wow. New Logan, step up to that microphone. Let's talk about it. Absolutely terrible.

[B]

How unfunny was old Logan?

[E]

The old Logan was yesterday. So this is actually the first day of being new Logan.

[A]

New Logan, how long have you been attempting standup comedy?

[E]

This is my first try.

[A]

Your first time out, and you chose here on this show to attempt it? Yeah, to see how it goes instead of a room full of people where you could try it out and get a feel for it.

[E]

Not in front of Sam. Talent, though. I thought he would really like my Josh Giddy material.

[A]

You wanted to bomb in front of Sam Talon. Very good.

[B]

Mission accomplished, young man. All right. No, I mean there. That is very brave. To come on up here on the largest live podcast in the world and eat your own ass, that is.

[A]

Yeah. If the show was all about bravery, you would be up there with the. You wouldn't even beat the gay Indian guy, actually. But it would be a hell of a run. Logan, do you work here?

[E]

Yeah, I do. I work in the box office. I thought I'd try my hand at a little bit of comedy tonight.

[A]

What made you think that you could possibly do this? What happened exactly to where you're like, I could do that.

[E]

I thought I could just, like, come up here and just, like, show my butthole to everybody. And, you know, opinions are like buttholes. Everybody's sharing them nowadays, so.

[G]

Jesus, I didn't.

[B]

Did you just do a meme? If you've watched.

[A]

You know how much we hate when people do their first minute here on Kilton unless they're really naturally talented and efficient at it. And you're none of these things. So let's try to figure out what actually might be funny about you. Logan, tell us about your life, your actual life, without trying to be funny, because you're not good at that. This is the position that you put yourself in. You signed up for this. So while the sweat drips from your head, I'm just gonna continue to ask questions like that. So what was your childhood like?

[E]

Single mom growing up.

[A]

This is good. Keep going. Let it out.

[E]

Just hanging out with friends, riding my bike around, and then, you know, you become an adult. You don't really have as many great friend groups to hang out with. You know what I mean? So it's trying to get out there and

[B]

if you can't be funny, be bleak. That's what I always say. Yeah.

[E]

I was hoping someone would come in with the sad music, but it didn't.

[B]

You were counting on Red Band's sound cue to save that. I mean, I saw the back that you were so bad you walked. Fiona, you know.

[A]

Yeah. Fiona ran back to Nashville after seeing your set. And by the way, Tanveer is now straight again. So you are changing lives here today. It's absolutely incredible. So new, Logan, and you work at the box office here.

[E]

I'm really good at the ticket stuff. Like, I'm really good at helping people.

[G]

Who.

[E]

Here's who here has gotten a wristband from me before. Thank you. I do a great job out there. Maybe I should stick to my day job.

[B]

But you should for sure stick to.

[E]

You definitely have to try things and have courage.

[A]

What are other things that you've tried? Give us an example of some other things in life that you've tried. Like this. Like a bold maneuver. You tried it.

[E]

I called out, Cam Patterson, race him in the back alley. And I'm the fastest at the mothership

[A]

because you are very, very fast. I remember now you.

[E]

And now nobody else went to race me. And I'm just kind of like the undefeated champ. It's just awkwardly so.

[B]

You were engaged with a. In a race war, Is that what you're saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That is brave.

[E]

So, you know, I. I thought coming up here and calling everybody gay would be brave. You know, they.

[B]

No one's fucking done that before.

[A]

Welcome to my minute by minute life. So, Logan, most interesting thing about your entire life before I let you go, anything that you can reference whatsoever, any special skills or talents other than running fast, which I hope you do immediately after I dismiss you and obviously graduating

[B]

from the Weapon X program.

[E]

Yeah, whatever I do, it's going to be much different next time. And yeah, I'm going to be completely negative of what I just did.

[A]

So how about the question about your entire life? Most interesting thing that you can reference about you. You ever save Anybody's life almost die. Do anything cool? Win a competition.

[B]

Seeing the northern lights. Booing the northern lights. You're booing a colorful sky. Jesus. Sorry. I'm sorry.

[A]

Back to the question where you get to reference your entire life up until this point.

[E]

I'm a rapper.

[A]

Okay, here we go.

[E]

And I just wrote a song two days ago.

[A]

Okay, Michael, give us a nice. I want to rap.

[E]

Can I get my. Can I get my phone real quick from the back?

[A]

You need your phone to rap?

[B]

All right, never mind.

[E]

I'm good. I'm good.

[A]

Can you improvise? Yeah, that's cool. All right, Michael, give us a little beat. Shut up, booers. Let's try to. Let's try to find out if he's as good at rapping as he is.

[E]

Stunned it on your lips, man. They look pretty sick, man. How you kiss it off the glass with a lick. It started off I would dribble at the park as a kid. Now just sit and let me talk. Try not to walk with this shit. You see, it ain't about a layup line. It's about another state in the mind. I see myself, I'm getting buckets in the defense's eyes, and I just slice. It's like a piece of the pie. Pie zone reaches. I could teach you the time. Could make a rhyme for the TikTok or divine but instead I made a player type the lane Like I'm a monster always on the move. You could hack me if you want to. Always slap the backboard like LeBron does. I stay in my back.

[A]

All right, all right, all right. And I'm gonna keep staying. I'll keep being a white rapper. I'm gonna give you an Eminem no joke book for you. There he goes. New Logan, everybody. On to the next one we go. Absolutely horrendous.

[B]

Even white rapping didn't save that guy.

[A]

My God. At least he's good at selling tickets for other people's shows.

[B]

It's crazy to work here and see the best comedians in the world and be like, I can go do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

It's crazy. So there you go. Lesson learned, everybody. That is how bad it can be. Make some noise for your next comedian. This guy's been on this show before. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Whalen, everybody. Tom Whelan. How we doing, guys?

[J]

Yes. Stevie Wonder's in the house, guys. Give it up for him. Christ is king. Okay, that's. That might sound anti Semitic. I'm not anti Semitic. Okay. I'm actually pro Semitic, which means I think the Jews run Hollywood, but they're doing a great job, you know, Keep it up, Jews. Could you imagine if the Muslims ran Hollywood? Wouldn't be good. No titties.

[E]

Okay.

[J]

Could you imagine if the Catholics ran Hollywood?

[B]

All little boys.

[A]

No, I am.

[J]

I'm Catholic. I'm such a good Catholic. I molested the priest. Fuck that priest. I gave him the body of Christ and then I gave him the fucking body of big T. You guys thinking about a 12 year old? Me, a priest right now? That's okay. That's okay. No, I am a Catholic. I think. You know, the motto for Catholicism should be sex is a vile act that I love because I'm disgusting, you know.

[A]

Wow. There's a newer Logan, everybody. Absolutely incredible.

[J]

Was Logan bad Tony?

[A]

Yes. Oh.

[J]

Oh, shucks.

[B]

You thought it was a compliment.

[J]

Well, Logan's a terrible name.

[A]

Yeah. So.

[C]

No.

[A]

Okay, Tom, so how long have you been doing standup? We've been on the show eight years. Eight years in. And that's the minute that you just did.

[J]

I was actually calling the Uber, leaving as my name was called. But no, I mean, you know, has

[A]

anyone ever told you you look like if somebody drowned Mel Gibson?

[C]

No, but.

[A]

There you go.

[N]

I'll take that.

[J]

Someone. Someone should drown Mel Gibson.

[L]

Whoa.

[A]

Why would.

[J]

No, I love Mel. Guys, give it up.

[B]

You love Mel Gibson.

[J]

I said Christ is king. How could I not love Mel Gibson?

[E]

You know?

[B]

Yeah. I've never been jealous of a molested child until right now.

[A]

It is true.

[B]

At least they have a story.

[J]

No, I wasn't molested, unfortunately.

[B]

Stolen valor, huh?

[J]

Yeah, no, I molested the priest. You and I could exchange some tales, I think. Some boy scout stories. You and I.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Two comedians in a row we've got to watch. Come up dry and their faces are. Come on, Tony, you are profusely sweating.

[J]

You look red as right now.

[B]

Are you.

[J]

Are you gonna claim to be Native American?

[A]

No, I got vitamin D. I get.

[J]

You get plenty of vitamin D, Tony.

[A]

Very good. You're.

[J]

No, I love you. Hey, Tony, I do love you. I know I didn't do great tonight, but I want you to know, guys, give it up for Tony for literally creating one of the best shows ever.

[A]

I mean, Tom Whelan, everybody. There he goes. Thank you, Tom. There he goes. Unbelievably, these people are. You never know when an eight year comedy vet is going to get addicted to drugs or something. I don't know what's going on there. Your next name is inside. They signed up, they're one of you, there's an I in parentheses, which means they are inside. You're not gonna believe their name. You remember new Logan, everybody. This is also a Logan. So even though there was a Logan and then I did a new Logan joke, I then pulled the name Logan Gut connect. Oh my God. Here, here. Just go this way. Just come on. Come right on up. Here's Logan, everybody. Oh, shit. Okay. Fuck yeah. Logan Gutconnect from the very front row, everybody. Another Logan.

[O]

It's great following retarded blackjack or Jack Black. Sorry, just came up with that one. So I travel a lot. I have to go through time zones when you travel and I don't get time zones. I really don't like. London is six hours ahead of New York. Why won't those bastards warn us about 9 11?

[B]

Why won't they warn us?

[O]

I think we can all agree slavery's bad. We can all agree slavery is bad. But I don't think that it's the government's position, you know, to force reparations. It should be a personal thing. That's why all my sugar babies are black. All right, but I love the Bachelor. I don't love being a bachelor, but I love the Bachelor. But it should be more realistic. Should be more. More obese people should be on there so I can see myself in the mirror. But more obese people should be on the Bachelor. They should call it six My six hundred Pound Wife.

[A]

All right, okay. Logan's gut connect.

[B]

This crowd was so eager to laugh that he got some chuckles. That was good.

[A]

It wasn't.

[B]

I've been also been staring at you

[A]

for the last hour.

[B]

Then you got up here and you spilled my damn water right on my balls and dick.

[O]

Yeah, it's great sitting next to the Sticky Logan.

[G]

Both.

[O]

Hey man, it's great sitting next to the Sticky Bandits.

[A]

Okay, all right.

[O]

Sorry. Home Alone joke.

[B]

No, no, it's okay. It's just do a reference from the last 25 years, that's all.

[A]

Yeah. Logan, is this your first time trying stand up?

[O]

It is, Tony.

[A]

It is something that you've always looked forward to that you've wanted to do.

[O]

Yeah, I just never had the courage to do it.

[A]

How old are you?

[O]

I'm 26.

[A]

What do you do for work?

[O]

Software engineer for a satellite company.

[A]

And you work here in Austin, Texas?

[O]

No, I'm from Seattle. Yeah, I flew in on Friday.

[A]

You flew here on Friday? What did you fly to Austin, Texas for this?

[O]

Actually, my brother and I got tickets.

[B]

He's like, don't bring me into this.

[O]

Yeah, he's scared shitless.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you sign up, too? Don't pull my name. Did you sign up?

[N]

He did.

[A]

What's your name? Thank you. Ethan. Why don't you come up here and do a thing? The Seattle brothers. Come on up. It's okay. Just take a big step. There you go.

[B]

Whoa. You didn't spill my water. Cool. It doesn't run in the family.

[A]

Here it is, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ethan, everybody.

[O]

Man, I'm happy I'm following him and not the make a wish event that happened here earlier or, you know, new Logan. But anyway, obviously I'm visiting, so, you know, Logan and I have done a bunch of things. We went paddleboarding, and on the Uber ride back to our hostel, our Uber driver told us that there was brain eating amoeba in, you know, Lady Bird Lake as we were there sitting there soaking wet in their backseat of our Toyota Corolla. Yeah, but that's not the craziest part. We got out of the Uber, and right here on East 6th Street, I saw a cop arrest a homeless deaf dude. Yeah, it's crazy. It was wild. Took the words right out of his mouth with a pair of handcuffs. Two handcuffs. It was a bigger. It was a bigger dude. I thought about bringing him here and introducing him. D Madness. Maybe they could, like, you know, do small talk with three senses, you know?

[A]

All right, guys, this was a privilege. This was a bad idea on my part. Here's the. A couple little joke books. There you go. Congratulations. You guys. Did anything crazy about your life, Ethan, that we should know about? Anything actually real.

[O]

I'm trying to take more risks, so that's why I signed up.

[A]

But what's the riskiest thing you've ever done before this? Oh, well, in your entire life.

[O]

You should have stopped at, you know, before this.

[A]

That's the question.

[B]

Ethan, quit trying to riff.

[A]

Yeah. Master improvisers, Ethan. Go ahead, Ethan.

[O]

I mean, I've. I've moved to a new city and, you know, for me, that's a big thing.

[A]

Where did you move to?

[O]

I moved from Cleveland to Charleston, South Carolina.

[A]

What made you make. What made you move from Cleveland to Charleston?

[O]

I don't know. I wanted something new. You know, I, I, I grew up in Cleveland, so, like, you know, I

[A]

feel like something new that I want something new, too.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

There they go. Ethan and Logan, everybody. The brothers. Okie dokie.

[B]

This is a dry spell.

[A]

We are in a true dry spell right now. Yeah, ever since Cam Patterson was up Here we have. It has been drier than Tanvir's mouth when he was with his wife. But it ain't dry no mouth.

[B]

Okay. That guy gave up his family to suck strangers dicks.

[A]

Yeah. And that's. Oh, here they are.

[B]

Oh, they're back.

[A]

Oh, they got it. They got gel blasters. There you go.

[C]

Sucks.

[A]

They have to sit in front of us now.

[B]

Yeah, now you guys just have to sit right there the whole time.

[A]

It's the walk of shame.

[B]

And think about what you guys did. Too bad it doesn't come with real bullets. Hugging guys.

[A]

It's true. Can they turn their chairs around in case?

[C]

I wish you did?

[A]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see if we could break the dry spell with the comedy stylings of Jacob Jones, everybody. Jacob Jones. We're coming around the corner.

[K]

Hey, happy to be here, everybody. Guys have been been watching a lot of documentaries recently. I just recently watched Planet Earth. Great documentary. I learned in Planet Earth that dolphins have sex for pleasure. Did you guys know this? Dolphins have sex for fun. When I heard that, I was like, oh, fuck. There has to be a couple of dolphins out there that had sex with other dolphins that they're just not too proud of, you know, like there's just a dolphin out in the Pacific right now and he's just like, ugh, I can't believe I fucked E last night. Ugh, I can't believe I choked her with that McFlurry cup that was floating by, you know, just like right on her fucking bottlenose. Put some fucking trash in her blowhole. You know, that's what they're into, dude. They're a bunch of freaks, you know, that's literally why I pollute. I'm just.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Jacob Jones. Look at you.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Finally a breath of fresh air.

[K]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Hello. Thank you for wearing your best pajamas out there.

[K]

Thank you. I heard Sam Talon was on the show, so I just needed to absolutely wear shorts.

[B]

I wear shorts. He wasn't being nasty. He hasn't earned the right after 20 years in stand up to wear shorts, but, you know, looks good.

[A]

How long have you been doing stand up, Jacob?

[K]

For about five years.

[A]

Five years? Where at?

[K]

Denver, actually.

[A]

Whoa. You know this guy?

[B]

I've never heard or seen this man.

[K]

We've been on one show together, but that's fine.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Who did I owe a favor to?

[K]

It was. It was during COVID It was one of those like hell outside gigs. It was like in a Parking lot. You know, you probably don't remember.

[B]

No, Yeah, I was huffing a lot of gas during COVID Yeah, I think

[K]

we paid you like 100 bucks. It was bad.

[B]

Who?

[G]

You. I think you.

[B]

Who's we?

[K]

It was my friends. We like produced name names. Josh Emerson.

[A]

Where was the parking lot? Maybe if you narrow it down to describe the parking lot, Sam would remember because he hasn't performed in many parking lots. Right.

[K]

I don't even remember what park it was.

[B]

I used to sell grilled cheese sandwiches in parking lots, but when I was following the dead around. Yeah.

[K]

Yeah, you did.

[B]

Well, of course I did.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, what are we talking about here? I love it. He's trying to reverse the polars. You did good, Sam. I really like your setups and your punchline. Very definitive material. Really on your brand with you. It was very good. He's about to offer you a spot on the secret parking lot show.

[K]

We do have an extra spot if you need one.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Jacob, what do you do for a living?

[B]

Is it a climbing wall?

[G]

Huh?

[B]

Are you a climbing wall guy?

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[K]

I actually I live in a van and I travel the United States and I also sell hats and pins at music festivals for money.

[A]

See? Really? He is following in your footsteps.

[B]

Wearing shorts, doing bad shows in Denver.

[K]

Yep.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Making business moves in parking lots. Yep. Sleeping in vehicles.

[K]

Sleeping in vehicles and selling pins to people on drugs.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

What type of music festivals are you going to?

[K]

Like electronic music festivals.

[A]

You do a lot of drugs?

[K]

No, I just swindle people on drugs.

[A]

Interesting. You make a good living doing that?

[K]

Yeah, it's pretty lucrative, actually. It allows me to stay on the road and I can just do a couple music festivals every summer and I don't have to work a regular job.

[B]

Where's your van parked?

[K]

It's on like 15th and lavava, and

[A]

it's full of lava.

[K]

I don't know what the fucking. What the street is called.

[B]

There's something along those bunch of cash in there right now. I bet it was like.

[K]

Yeah, there's a couple hundred fifteenth in a lava everyone.

[B]

Fuck.

[K]

I did just say that.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you did. The student has not become the teacher. Not yet. Not yet.

[A]

What else do you do, Jacob? Any special skills or talents other than comedy?

[K]

Yeah, well, as I'm traveling the United States, I'm actually. I'm doing like a little docu series where I interview people all across the country. What? And I asked them what they think the future of the United States looks like.

[M]

Wow.

[B]

You're gonna get dozens of views.

[K]

That's what's happening right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That is amazing. Yeah. What's the best answer you've gotten?

[K]

A lot of people are very pessimistic. A lot of people think that there's going to be another civil war. And that's not. The whole point of the video project, is to find common ground, actually, as lame as that sounds.

[B]

Yes. So you're aware that it sounds incredibly.

[K]

It's very unfunny and lame, but it's what I want to do.

[A]

So are you able to. Are you able to hold on? Yeah.

[B]

You are going through it right now, brother. This is insane. That could have been you. Yes. You could have been our new friend, this guy.

[A]

That's true. Instead, you're selling software in Seattle.

[B]

Yeah. Yes.

[A]

So you do have a good voice, though.

[B]

You sound like almost like a reporter

[A]

or something like that.

[K]

That could be a secondary career choice,

[A]

Honestly, rather than selling pins at music festivals. Yeah.

[K]

Or comedy.

[A]

I mean, my.

[K]

My options are open right now.

[B]

No, no, no. It's selling pins.

[A]

What's your love life like? You able to get a lot of girls back to your van?

[B]

Which one of my friends have you fucked?

[K]

Takes a lot of convincing, but it's happened before.

[A]

What do you do? What kind of convincing?

[K]

It's okay if you get in the

[B]

van or I'll shoot. Yeah.

[K]

The verb convincing is not probably the appropriate term, but, you know, drugging and tying.

[B]

Drugging for hard sell, as we call it.

[K]

Right, right.

[B]

Because you're so hard because of the power. Right, right. Because. Yeah, because you're becoming God, you know?

[K]

That does happen.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[K]

No, it's happened. Once I brought a girl back. We met on hinge, and it worked out. It happened. We fucked.

[B]

She just needed a place to stay. She was looking for a miracle, as we say in the business.

[K]

Right.

[B]

All right. The drug addicts responded positively to that.

[K]

Hell, yeah.

[A]

How long have you lived in the band?

[K]

On and off, two years.

[A]

Okay, so you haven't stood straight up in a home in a long time.

[K]

Yeah, no, that's true. My back is already. It's still fucked.

[B]

Have you stood gay up?

[K]

That's a good one. I think you said that in the parking lot for the show.

[B]

I bet you do remember everything I

[A]

said, Jacob, because that was good enough to get a big joke book after the momentum shift. There he goes. Jacob Jones, everybody.

[K]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, one last bucket pull, and then we're gonna put a ribbon on this thing. Make some noise for your final bucket Pool of the night. Michael Scott, ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds from Michael Scott. Oh, it's a different Michael Scott. Here he is. One more time for Michael Scott, ladies and gentlemen.

[L]

Not what you expected. My name is Michael Scott. I'm actually Michael Scott ii. Most of my friends are white because my name is Michael Scott. White bitches love the office. That's pretty much it. Hey, guys. When I'm at my white friend's house and I gotta take a piss, more often than not I'll just go pee outside. It's not because I'm uncomfortable using the restroom inside their house. It's more like I want the other brothers in the neighborhood to know that he already has a black friend.

[A]

This is my Kyle,

[L]

and I have to mark my territory. My name is Michael Scott. The only N word during my set is ne' er do.

[A]

Well.

[L]

All right, let's end on that.

[A]

Okay. You're funny, Michael.

[B]

All right, Michael. That was good, man. Yeah. Took your time. Dude, too. Initially, I thought you were nervous, but no. You were built. No, no.

[L]

I have unnatural confidence. I am insane.

[A]

I love it. I love it. How long you been doing stand up?

[L]

Seven years.

[A]

Where at?

[L]

Fresno and Bakersfield. I started in Bakersfield, though.

[A]

Where do you live now? Here.

[L]

Yeah, since December 30th. I moved here.

[A]

Congratulations.

[M]

Thank you.

[A]

I think you belong here.

[L]

I think so too.

[A]

You're one of the. You're one of the. You're one people. When people like you move into the neighborhood, I get excited. Property value goes up.

[L]

I love it.

[A]

One of the good ones.

[L]

Set you up.

[D]

I love it.

[A]

Michael Scott, what do you do for a living?

[L]

I have two jobs. I fix televisions for white people, and I am a valet, also for white people.

[B]

And you also talk like a white person.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes.

[L]

Ne' er do.

[E]

Well.

[B]

Yeah, dude, Great job.

[A]

Exclusively said white people on both of those jobs. If a black person needed their television fixed, what would you say to them?

[L]

Well, I work at.

[B]

I'll be a black person. Ready?

[A]

Oh, will you?

[G]

All right.

[L]

My grandma's not gonna like this.

[A]

All right, go ahead.

[L]

Hello.

[B]

I need to rectify a situation with my television set. And I like, you am black.

[L]

Hello, madam.

[B]

I actually use they. Them pronouns. Oh, that's right. We cancel too.

[L]

Yeah.

[B]

In our community, that's fair. As black men, I thought you. Can you fix my television set? I need to watch the Cosby show also.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes, indeed. Other.

[A]

Yes.

[M]

When?

[A]

All right, when you applied for this

[L]

warranty, did you happen to check. Check the racial box on that because your service may be a little bit slower.

[A]

You got a big laugh from Roseanne up there. I don't know if you heard that.

[L]

Oh, is she here? Oh, yeah.

[A]

Classic laugh.

[L]

All right.

[A]

Either that or a hawk is dying on the balcony. I'm not exactly sure it could be

[B]

either one, but a haunted scarecrow may have come to life in the back. Yes.

[L]

All right.

[A]

Yeah, there it is. I love it. Michael, other than your voice, what do you think's the whitest thing about you?

[L]

Certainly ain't my dick.

[A]

Great answer, great answer.

[B]

So your dick can get a bank loan.

[A]

I was. Wait, I was.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[L]

I have a great credit score. I was waiting for one of you guys to say something wrong. And I was going to strangle you with my dick.

[A]

Is okay, all right.

[L]

I'm kidding.

[A]

Okay. What do you think is the blackest thing about you, Michael?

[L]

My dick.

[B]

Still.

[A]

Still my dick. Other than your dick. Let's take your dick out of this

[L]

shit. I don't. I don't know. I was.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

Hey, that was good. He said it's not my shoes I'm wearing. I'm wearing vans.

[B]

As a black man, we are not a monolith.

[A]

Yeah, Okay.

[B]

Correct.

[L]

Yes.

[N]

Yes.

[L]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes and maybe. And

[L]

I'm glad he's blind.

[A]

All right, what's your. What's your preferred type type?

[L]

Shit. Any female.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Hey, hey.

[L]

I know. Looking around.

[A]

No type whatsoever. Just any female.

[L]

Redheads probably number redheads.

[A]

Wheelchairs perhaps.

[L]

Oh, oh, I. I did see her. Yeah.

[B]

She is looking for someone to her

[A]

fixed so I will break her. Worse is. Well, you guys could do drive bys together.

[E]

Nice.

[A]

Interesting. What's the longest set you've ever done? 30.

[B]

I'd love to have you on the secret show.

[A]

30. There you go. Here's a big joke book coming at you too. You did it. Michael Scott with a great kill Tony debut. Hilarious Michael Scott on this secret show. Booked on a real show in Austin, Texas. And that is the end of our bucket polls. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. It's the only way we know how in the whole world. Another comedian that got famous in Denver before coming to Los Angeles and becoming the hall of fame member with the most sets, the most interviews, absolute record holder for everything, the most laughs ever by a comedian at a microphone. Here I present to you, the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody.

[M]

Twelve Years a Slave. Let's be honest, that's kind of a light sentence.

[C]

I don't give a fuck. Oh, no.

[M]

Iran's president just died in a helicopter crash. The helicopter's mechanic, Ari Greenbaum, said the helicopter must have just run out of gas. Lizzo recently thanked anti Israel activists for lifting her up out of her depression. And I'm just trying to imagine, how much did that fucking crane cost? Good news for Red band's mom. Scientists have developed a new gene therapy that kills 97 of the herpes virus. So it is open season on your nasty mom. Dumb ass. Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony.

[A]

What the hell? What the hell? What can I possibly say? The man who has done it more than anybody else just came out and did the five best jokes. Jokes of the night. Back to back to back to back to back to back. That's how you do it, Tony.

[M]

For anybody watching, that's how it happens.

[A]

That is how you. Somebody call Montel Jordan. Because that is how you do it. It's Monday night and you feel all right. That is how you do it.

[M]

Damn right.

[A]

The party's here on the west side.

[M]

Parties here on the west side.

[A]

That's right. That is how you do it.

[B]

William, thank God you were so funny as always because we needed it tonight, man. Been a bit of a bloodbath.

[M]

Yeah, I've been watching.

[B]

Have you?

[M]

Yeah, I've been watching up there. I've also been cooking with Dr. Pepper, Tony. I think that's honestly what has got me out of my little funk. I was in.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

I realized that if I'm cooking my chicken breast in the crock pot instead of putting broth or something, I'm just putting Dr. Pepper in there. And it's making the most delicious. It's making the most delicious pastas. I just put a bunch of rigatoni and some other stuff and a bunch of Dr. Pepper and it's making the tastiest stuff.

[A]

Wow.

[M]

But I'm TT ing all the time, Tony, so I don't know if I'm getting diabetes or something. Cause it's literally. Oh, it's so good.

[B]

It sounds like. Oh, redband.

[A]

Hold on.

[M]

No, that I think was funny. What was that? It's kind of hard. You kind of stopped it there.

[A]

He literally pulled up the wrong version of this is how you do it. It is incredible. You would think 11 years of experience, he would be able to pull up the hit song this is how you do it by Montel Jordan, but nope, not this guy. It was funny, though, when Red band version or something.

[M]

When Red band did the. When the sweet Girl. Hilarious. Girl in the wheelchair was going back when Red band had the part, the thing going off. That was hilarious.

[C]

Red Band.

[A]

That was good.

[D]

I'll give you that.

[A]

You guys, that was really funny. Thank you, William, from 55 minutes ago. You guys remember when Red band was funny?

[M]

Yeah, it was really funny. Red band. I got to give you that one. That was really good.

[A]

I. I've also cooked with Dr. Pepper.

[B]

You're not wrong.

[A]

That shit's amazing.

[B]

Like, it's. It's.

[A]

And you could also try root beer, too.

[M]

Is root beer. Well, I don't really like root beer.

[A]

Oh, how does.

[M]

So maybe that's a bad idea, but thanks for telling me about it. But seriously, that's probably a bad idea because I. I just kind of hate it. I love Dr. Pepper, but I kind of can't stand root beer. But thanks, Redban. You're real sweet. I appreciate when you give me these insights for food stuff. You fat ass. You nasty piece of shit. You think I really want to fucking put root beer in my fucking chicken piccata, you fucking idiot.

[A]

How's the cancer? There you go, the momentum killer. Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Anytime there's too much laughter, he comes in and snuffs it out.

[M]

Well, I did try to go to the dermatologist. Well, I called up and I didn't have my debit card. I did my. Have my debit card to put a deposit.

[A]

Dermatologist named Dr. Pepper. Yeah. How does root beer make you feel?

[M]

Oh, root beer.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

Oh, my gosh. It's like when I'm walking down my stairs. The escalator's almost up at the apartment, and I'm having to walk down the stairs again, and it's been just so hot, Tony and I. I've been slipping on the.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[M]

Yeah, it's really hard.

[A]

There you go. Now, William, we know from many appearances on the show for both of you that you and Sam are extremely close. You guys did stand up in Denver, which is the theme tonight.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

The great Roseanne Barr, one of the greatest ever starred in Denver. Sam Talon. William Montgomery.

[B]

Yeah. That other guy, Jake, I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jake, who bragged about paying me $100 during a pandemic.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Jacob Jones.

[B]

Yeah. Now, you were telling me that your brother started working at the club.

[M]

Yes, Selden. He's working here now. He's a door guy. And I actually just heard from somebody earlier. He's been doing stuff outside, and he's not wearing sunscreen or a hat. He's got to start doing that because he doesn't want to start dealing with this cancer. But to answer your question, Red band. Yeah, I didn't go. I know I've got it on my nose, but I haven't gone yet. I didn't have my debit card. I need to call back. That was two weeks ago. It's probably only getting bigger. It's probably getting stronger. I need to really nip it in the butt. I mean, I feel it right now.

[A]

So your brother Selden, a little fun fact about him is that he still drinks. And I remember you when you were drinking.

[B]

Me too, brother.

[A]

It was a while.

[B]

It was a bit of a problem.

[A]

It indeed. I mean, there is nobody that beat the video game of partying quite like William Montgomery. I remember during the pandemic, you were climbing a tree during one of your appearances. Trash do we done? We've been through a great many. I remember that Together. Many, many, many moons together. Your brother is wild. He is exactly like you. Strangely, of course, for the die hard fans, you might know that the Montgomery's, the parents have been on panel before. Two of literally of the greatest guests of all time. Very wholesome. But hilariously. You like. It's very weird how much. Especially your father. You guys are all alike. You all sweet pop. Yeah, you guys all have the same.

[M]

Oh my gosh. I swear, Tony, I don't know. I've been kind of exhausted. I've been traveling and thank God it's been going good. It's been so sweet for anybody who's gotten tickets to come see me. But I. I actually talked to my dad on the couch yesterday and just started sobbing off the phone. Just started sobbing real hard. I haven't had to get sobbing.

[B]

That's when humans bleed from their eyes, Tony.

[A]

Oh, started sobbing for some reason.

[M]

Yeah, I don't know why.

[A]

When did the sobbing happen exactly?

[M]

Just yesterday. I was just talking to my sweet mom and pop on the phone and it had been a good, successful weekend.

[A]

Yeah. You think it's because you're living your dreams? I don't know.

[M]

Yeah, I couldn't stop crying for a while. But we're better now.

[B]

Now, have you ever told that great story of that photograph when he was at ut?

[M]

Oh, yes, my brother Selden. At one point there was a photograph that I see on Facebook, I think it was where he's in a Moe's burritos and he has a full hospital garb on. And I remember posting under the picture. Oh well, at least the youngest Montgomery brother's doing well and I guess he ended up dying. He had gone to the hospital because he died, but they brought him back to life, so. But yeah, that's a picture. You had to kind of be there. You had to kind of see the picture.

[L]

Picture.

[B]

I thought it would be a great anecdote. I'm sorry we cracked up about it.

[M]

Yeah, no, it was real funny, I thought, but people in the crowd didn't, like.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

William and I used to get trashed on, like, whatever jug, bottle, whiskey you had. And then we would be in my apartment and we would just scream the last page of Blood Meridian at each other.

[M]

I remember. That's wonderful. I still read the last paragraph from time to time. It's wonderful.

[B]

I think of you every time.

[M]

Yeah, I think of you every time.

[A]

Oh, wow. Look at that.

[M]

I really do.

[B]

Well, you know that these people online think that we aren't friends and that I'm like, like mean to you up here.

[M]

Yeah. I think we can pretty much squash the beef right now. Now, I do owe Theo Vaughn $50,000, but. No, I'm kidding. All those idiots saying, pay Theo, no.

[A]

Yeah.

[J]

Oh, my gosh.

[M]

Sam and I are very wonderful buddies. Sam. And you're going to stay over tonight, and I am.

[A]

Oh, you're staying at Williams.

[B]

Yeah, but we're not doing much sleeping.

[G]

Whoa.

[M]

Sam was my first kiss in Denver. Sam was honestly my first guest.

[B]

Those drunken been wet since 2016. Dude. Got a couple of pink worms, baby.

[A]

Yeah. Look at those gummies. I love it. William, you had fun in Los Angeles, correct?

[M]

Yeah, it was a wonderful time. Stayed at Paulie Shores haunted fucking house.

[A]

Tell us what's funny. Tell us what's haunted about it.

[M]

Well, I didn't know if it was Paulie or Paulie's brother, but I kept on fucking seeing somebody at night when I was trying to sleep. Somebody was literally walking around in the place with a camera. And so it might have been Paulie's brother or a ghost. And Paulie's brother's actually here tonight, so it's a little awkward. But I know it was your fucking ass taking picture. No, but it was wonderful, Tony. It was a lot of fun. The shows were great. It was a lot of fun and very convenient to the Comedy Store. And actually, Tony, I was able to go in the handicapped bathroom stall at the Comedy Store. And I stood in there for like five minutes. Cause it's where I used to do all my cocaine before the Kill Tony shows. So it felt weird, but it was nice to go back and just take it in that's probably my best memory of being there.

[A]

Everything he just said is absolutely real. Sometimes it's not real. That is real, William. My sweet, sweet Billy boy. Tell us more.

[B]

Put that tongue away.

[A]

Where else have you been on the road? Did you go somewhere this week?

[M]

Well, I have to be so careful, Tony. All these shows are doing. I'm legitimately losing my voice. It's a real big concern for me. So I gotta figure this out. Like, I'm going Thursday, Friday, Saturday to Wisconsin this coming week. I'm legitimately worried about my voice, so we'll see how it goes. I'm yelling too much, Tony. I gotta figure it out. The yelling people laugh. I enjoy it. It's fun. It's going well. But I'm going to have to figure it out. I mean, I'm yelling too much.

[B]

What if you whispered?

[M]

What if I whisper?

[A]

If you whisper like you.

[M]

You give me an example. Redb.

[A]

I'm never going to stop. But you have to set it up at the beginning, you know? I'm never going to stop.

[L]

Wow.

[A]

Red band.

[E]

Okay.

[M]

Nice to see you, Tony.

[A]

That was fun. Oh, my God.

[C]

No.

[M]

Yeah, but we'll see. So, yeah, I got to figure it out.

[A]

Have you been drinking hot, hot tea or doing a ton of exercises?

[M]

Yeah, I actually started taking vocal lessons two weeks ago.

[A]

Yeah. Can you show us one of the exercises? No, no, no, no, no.

[M]

And then I'll put the Dr. Pepper in the crock pot in between doing that because I literally have to do it like all day long.

[A]

Ladies and gentlemen, brought to you by Dr. Pepper, the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you to talkspace mood chubbies. Of course, our friends over at. Oh, the drawing from Ryan J. E Belt is in. It's unbelievable. Of Sam tallent. That's on your screen right now. Sam, what are you plugging tonight? I forgot to ask you. Tell us everything.

[B]

I have a podcast called chubby behemoth and I have a travel show on YouTube called Wide World if you could watch it. We just went to Japan and we went to Paris and I'm very proud of it.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

Samtalent.com for tickets.

[A]

Thank you to our friends that connect mobile health. The IV drips have been saving our lives lately as we have been enjoying our hometown of Austin, Texas. A lot of hot days on the boat. Shout out to our friends over at ways to well keeping us super healthy. If you know they brought Aaron Rogers back in full recovery. They make you superhuman. They do a blood test. Check out ways too. Well, thank you to gel blaster, of course, the red rose, the yellow rose, and all of our other friends that make it all possible. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muling, Seth1 and D Madness. Let's see what chris rogers drew tonight night. Oh, little Dr. Phil. Okay. Hell, yeah. We love Dr. Phil. Guest of the year 2023. And we did it again. How about one more time for the great sam talent. Ladies and gentlemen, red band. I'll be in july. I'll be in san diego with casey rock. Is that still not sold out? No, they just released new tickets. Oh, my God. Wow.

[B]

America comedy code dot com.

[A]

Wow. Help red pan fill up the comedy club. He's been promoting for months in san diego, people. The entire city of san diego. It's a comedy club. People. Buy tickets for red show. Thanks for all the support.

[G]

Tony hinch.

[A]

Cliff. Okay, okay. How about one more time for roseanne bar. Ladies and gentlemen, the first appearance of fiona collie. Amazing. Thank you. Hans cam William. Madison square garden. We just opened up tickets for so that's the other show. If you want to see red pants. If you want to see red band, you can see him at the comedy club in san diego or madison square garden. New tickets just opened up for night one. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The sunset strip comedy club in austin, Texas, is now open. Check out red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sam.