#669 - LUIS J GOMEZ + SAL VULCANO

Summary

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Kill Tony #669: LUIS J GOMEZ + SAL VULCANO

Recorded at Comedy Mothership, Austin TX – June 25, 2024

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony is a jam-packed, unruly night featuring guest panelists Luis J. Gomez (Legion of Skanks, Skankfest) and Sal Vulcano (Impractical Jokers) alongside host Tony Hinchcliffe, co-host Brian Redban, the house band, and a wild mix of regulars, first-timers, and golden ticket winners. A major theme: comedian Jack Shaw is awarded the much-coveted Skankfest spot by Luis J. Gomez, and the show welcomes two new rotating Kill Tony regulars as the lineup gets even more unpredictable. The night is ripe with chaotic energy, killer roasts, musical moments, spontaneity, and memorable stunts.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

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1. Opening & Housekeeping

• Band Introductions (01:06)
  Tony introduces the Kill Tony band, calling special attention to various musicians, and plays with the fact that only the horns played for the guest entrance, poking fun at Luis’ Puerto Rican heritage.

  • “Horns only. Okay, I don’t know whose idea horns only was, but I’ll take it. Is that because Luis is Puerto Rican?” – Tony (03:20)

• Special Announcements:

  • Luis J. Gomez will award a Skankfest slot (Vegas, VIP experience, perform alongside major comedians) to one up-and-coming comic.
    • “We’re gonna put them up in a suite in Vegas. We’re gonna fly them out, give them the VIP experience.” – Luis (05:18)

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2. Ari Matti: New Rotating Regular

(07:49 - 18:11)

• Estonian comedian Ari Matti makes his first appearance as a Kill Tony regular, delivers a minute, and is interviewed.

  • Jokes about dating, movies, and being an Estonian superstar where “there’s literally less people [in Estonia] than are in this room.”
  • “Limp Bizkit is older than my country.” – Ari (13:03)
  • Discusses immigration hustle, love for America, his disdain for tipping, and attraction to Latinas.
  • Hilarious riff on “purple bacon” and learning black American slang.

• Panel compares Ari to Robin Williams or Yakov Smirnoff (“self-awareness with wacky accent”).

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3. First Open Mic Spot: Jesus Eliezer

(18:47 - 30:09)

• Delivers dark, edgy material.
• Reveals during the interview he was once a “jizz mopper” at a North Hollywood adult video arcade and did jail time for violent assault with a chain at work.
  • Wild story involving a fight with a volatile patron, leading to near-fatal strangulation.
  • “I was just gonna do one chain lashing, but once you pop, you can’t stop.” – Redban (27:32)
  • The panel continually pushes for more details and roasts the situation mercilessly.

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4. Jordan Grazewski: Open Mic, 1st-timer

(31:10 - 38:58)

• Struggles through his minute, is gently roasted for bombing, but rolls with it.

• Reveals he's a 27-year-old software buyer from Cleveland, amateur-turned-pro boxer (2-0).

  • “Girls, you have Pete Davidson's tattoos and his comedy act.” – Tony (36:09)
  • Drew shadowboxes, the panel riffs on his voice (“rubber ducky”).
  • Jokes about drastic weight loss and bad digestion after eating Chinese food.

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5. Drew Nickens: New Regular Set

(41:14 - 50:14 & 111:34 - 115:42)

• Delivers a strong, likable set about being a black man, haircut woes, and Yelp reviews.

  • “I did the whitest thing possible…I just gave him a two and a half star Yelp review.” – Drew (41:24)

• Drew is revealed to fans as the “energy drink sommelier” from Instagram; he reviews and shotguns drinks, counts caffeine by milligrams (up to 1200 mg/day).

  • “I count by milligrams now because when you just count cans...”

• Reveals prior work in illegal poker rooms: “There would be girls there…any drink you wanted…some canoodling going on.”

• Later, he does a bonus spot and talks about being a former battle rapper and being featured on “Reddit’s most hittable faces.”

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6. Standouts from the Bucket:

Pierre M

(52:47 - 63:17)

• Commanding, charismatic stage presence; jokes about being fit, race dynamics, sexual prowess, and Austin's gentrification.
  • “I am Pierre…only thing keeping me out of prison is literally rape, dawg…” (53:13)
  • Shares insights on Austin’s changing neighborhoods and dating preferences (“terrified of white women,” “blue eyes scare [him]”), truck driving for Pepsi.

Jack Shaw [Golden Ticket Winner & Skankfest Invite]

(89:56 - 99:42)

• 25-year-old L.A. native, self-deprecating, distinctly Jewish, oddball persona; clever gags about puberty, bullying at performing arts school, overinvolved doctor.
  • “The manliest celebrity I’ve ever been compared to is Rachel Maddow.” (91:14)
• Roasted and celebrated by guests and hosts.
• Luis J. Gomez officially invites Jack to Skankfest:
  • “Dude, but you're so funny and interesting and unique. Are you available September 27th–29th?” (97:44)

Other Notables

• Todd Royce (Golden Ticket Winner): Deadpan fat jokes, wife material, wild medical story about passing a kidney stone (which Luis J. Gomez eats onstage to everyone’s horror). (64:30 - 70:50, 71:02 - 72:20)
• CJ Gore: Sets up a Mexican Drum Off versus band drummer Charles; fails to impress. (82:11 - 89:48)
• Jocelyn Porter: Standup from Phoenix, white girl named Jocelyn, jokes about her breakup, partial deafness, and working at a medical dispensary. (105:21 - 110:23)
• Mr. Mars Martian: “Lenny Crabshit” (Luis), half-black/half-white jokes, “MAGA” wordplay, panel destroys his set for lack of charisma and timing. (100:56 - 104:30)

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7. Regular Sets & Panel Riffing

Cam Patterson

(75:27 - 80:59)

• Strong material on visiting Springfield, MO (“cut the bitch right out the United States”), blackness and archery, race, and “old man” comedy club stories.
  • “The closest we got [in the archery hall of fame to a black person] was like an Indian nigga…they know when he died because y’all killed him.” (76:34)
• Riffs with panel about chaos of the show, Pierre’s “crazy” set, and not wanting to be on the receiving end of “village rape.”

William Montgomery (“Hall of Famer,” Final Set)

(117:02 - episode end)

• Classic William: absurd “black Schindler’s List” one-liner, David Copperfield sex scandal joke, sports/January 6 pun, meta-commentary on his non-firing.
  • “They say black don’t crack, well obese don’t crease.” – Todd Royce (65:20)
  • “You picked a night Saul Vulcano’s getting a fucking bag. I love your feet, your hands…” – William to Sal (119:42)
• Extended, on-edge banter about job security on the show, constipation due to Snickers bars, teasing mispronunciations, and the chaos of the episode.

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8. Most Memorable Moments

• Luis J. Gomez Eats a Kidney Stone:

  • After Todd Royce shares his kidney stone story, Luis J. eats the preserved stone live onstage.
  • “I just want to pass his kidney stone. That's a first.” – Luis (72:39)

• Jack Shaw Gets Golden Ticket and Skankfest Invite:

  • “You just won a golden ticket here on Kill Tony.” – Tony (99:08)
  • “You will get raped by dirty women at Skankfest.” – Luis (97:51)

• Mexican Drum Off & Impractical Jokers DVD Gag:

  • Dumping joke DVDs at comics as gag prizes.
  • “Do you have a DVD player? ‘Cause if you do, you’re getting every season of Impractical Jokers on DVD!” – Tony (98:22)

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Notable Guest Quotes

• Tony Hinchcliffe:

  • “This is what it takes to be the number one live podcast on YouTube.” (71:44)
  • On Jack Shaw: “You are indeed an absolute super Jew.” (94:10)

• Luis J. Gomez:

  • “You have a very sweet energy…I’d like to invite you to Skankfest.” (97:44)
  • After eating the kidney stone: “I just want to pass his kidney stone. That’s a first.” (72:39)

• Sal Vulcano:

  • On Pierre: “You’re so naturally charismatic…keep on trying to do comedy.” (63:24)
  • On Jack Shaw: “What the fuck is going on here?” (94:45)

• Drew Nickens:

  • “I count by milligrams now…” (47:35)
  • “Only been to like three funerals. They don’t like me there.” (49:56)

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Key Timestamps

• Opening / Announcements: 00:44 – 07:49
• Ari Matti’s Set/Interview: 07:49 – 18:11
• Jesus Eliezer & Jizz Mopper Story: 18:47 – 30:09
• Jordan Grazewski: 31:10 – 38:58
• Drew Nickens Set & Energy Drink Discussion: 41:14 – 50:14
• Pierre M and Austin Riffing: 52:47 – 63:17
• Jack Shaw Set & Skankfest Golden Ticket: 89:56 – 99:42
• Mr. Mars Martian Set: 100:56 – 104:30
• Jocelyn Porter Interview: 105:21 – 110:23
• Drew Nickens Bonus Spot: 111:34 – 115:42
• William Montgomery Headline Set: 117:02 – End

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Tone & Style Notes

• Raw, unfiltered, high-octane energy throughout – panel isn’t afraid of dark humor, explicit language, or wild audience interactions.
• Running gags: DVD prizes, energy drinks, sexual and racial self-deprecation, and bomb/kill measures (drum-off, instant joke books for losers).
• Hugely supportive but also critical—instant feedback, next-level roasting, and support for the promising comics.

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Conclusion

Episode #669 exemplifies the wild, improvisational DNA of Kill Tony: top-tier roast comedy, risky crowdwork, open mics that launch careers (or crash and burn), and big moments like Jack Shaw’s surprise Skankfest invitation and Luis J. Gomez’s physically reckless onstage stunt. The addition of exciting new regulars, spotlit by Drew Nickens and Ari Matti, and the ever-present unpredictability from William Montgomery cap off an episode for the ages.

Skankfest, road gigs, energy drinks, and kidney stones—this is what it takes to be number one.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Hey, this is redbay coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[A]

Give it up for Tony.

[B]

It's class.

[A]

Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? Yeah, Mama. We made it. You're here. You did it. Congratulations to all of you. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony. Brought to you by Game Time, Squarespace and Liquid Death. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. How exciting. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, huh? That is indeed Charles Reed joining us on the drums. Ladies and gentlemen, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo and Carlos Sosa on the horns. Joining us from the Zach Brown Band. They're on tour doing football stadiums all around the world. This is the one and only Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. The return of our dear leader back from absolute chaos with Gary Clark Jr. All around the world, John Dees is back, everybody. And of course the thriving, pumping stem cell machine of a backbone that we have, our bass player D. Madness. How exciting. What an episode we have lined up for you tonight. Before we begin, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show? God damn it. Every single week I have two of the funniest human beings on planet earth on this show. This week, no different. Two legends of guesting on Kill Tony from the Impractical Jokers and the Legion of Skanks. Make some noise for Sal Volcano and Luis J. Gomez. God damn it. Play some music, you fucking. What are you guys. Horns only. Okay, I don't know whose idea horns only was, but I'll take it. Is that because Lewis is Puerto Rican? Who? Okie dokie. No answer. What? That was a last minute call by Matt Muley. Oh, okay. Cool. Sweet.

[C]

You have my. My family in the brass section over there.

[A]

Jesus Christ, dude. There they are. There they are. Welcome back, guys.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Hello.

[D]

Good to Be here. What's up, everybody?

[A]

What's up, Austin? We love you. You're back. Been on the show multiple times. Life is good. I watch impractical jokers every time I'm on the road. I get Mario Lopez the off my TV at those hotels. He haunts every hotel room around the world and I immediately put on true TV watching practical jokers.

[D]

Yeah, I listen to Lopez actually, but

[A]

I bet, I bet. But I know somebody who watches their own stuff. That's Luis J. Gomez, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

What's up, doggies?

[A]

He's back.

[C]

Let's go.

[A]

He's back.

[C]

I'm back. This is, I think my 14th kill Tony appearance.

[A]

Yeah, you are riding high up there with all time appearances from a guest. I'm very excited that you're back and we're doing something special tonight. You guys may know that Louis Jake Gomez runs the literally the undisputed now greatest comedy festival in the world, Skank fe. And tonight he has informed me with all of his good power and grace that he will be awarding one comedian a chance to perform its gang fest. So someone tonight is going to could be a regular, could be a golden ticket winner, could be someone out of the bucket.

[C]

It could be red band, who knows? We'll see what happens. It's going to be a crazy night, I'll tell you right now. But not only just perform, Tony, they're going to perform on the elite shows. They're going to be on the shows with you. They're going to be on the shows with fucking Shane Gillis, Mark Norman and Big J. These are going to be big shows and we're going to put them up in a suite in Vegas. We're going to fly them out, we're going to give them the VIP experience.

[A]

How about that? It's going to be that cool or what? Louis J. Gomez contributing to the show, Sal.

[D]

I also have every season on DVD

[A]

for whoever impractical jokers. Many. That's

[D]

lots of extras.

[A]

That is. That is so you guys did so many seasons that might take up an a large amount of someone's real estate. All the seasons of impractical jewelers on dvd. So since you guys have been here multiple times, you might know and I got the official number. 228 souls are across the street at poor choices right now hoping that their name gets pulled out of this bucket. If it does, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and. And then I interview them. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Sometimes we find the fucking next great talent in the world. Sometimes it's a completely insane person that thought they could do this. And they didn't prepare and they didn't try. And we're gonna watch it all happen together. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? So while we go wrangle the first comedian out of the bucket from across the street, I'm going to inform you, ladies and gentlemen, that you are indeed at an extremely special episode. We are about to the history of the show here as I announced. As I announced that we will be rotating regulars to open the show from now on. And tonight you're going to get to meet one of the newest regulars of Kel Tony. Right now at this very moment, this live audience gets to be introduced to a man that's only been on this show one time before. He is from Estonia. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return. His first time as a regular. A brand new minute from Ari Matti, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go.

[E]

Hello, America. I recently had a date. I took a girl out to see a movie. Here's a suggestion for guys. If you want to take your girl out to see a movie, watch the movie before you go and see the movie so you can answer all of her fucking questions two minutes in. Who's he?

[A]

I don't know.

[E]

Let's wait and find out. And never let her pick the movie. Cause women love some miserable shit. One time I had a girl over for dinner. I let her choose the date movie. I finished cooking dinner, we sit down to watch the movie. You know what movie she picks? She picks a fort in our stars. Oh, they both have cancer. When do I start fingering you? Before, before or after the chemotherapy, huh? Thank you very much.

[A]

He has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. Ari. Maddie's first appearance as a regular. Second time ever on this show. We still have so much to learn about Ari.

[F]

Matty.

[A]

Welcome, Ari.

[E]

Welcome to my world.

[A]

Yes, absolutely. I'm happy to be part of it. When do I get to that wacky accent? Yes, Estonia.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

So you have. I'll give a little. The little bit of background information that I have about you, which is that you were on this show once before. And in between that time and before and since you've been around, everybody loves you. You get booked all the time here. You are absolutely hysterical. I can't wait.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

Show the world how funny you are. It's.

[E]

Thank you.

[A]

No brainer to have someone like you here. So tell us more about you, Ari. Maddie, tell the people what we don't know, which is a lot other than you finger girls during shitty movies. That's all we know.

[E]

Well, I'm from Estonia. I'm a superstar there. But it's. I mean, it's Estonia, so kind of like a tree falls but nobody here situation. There's literally less people there than they're in this room, so. And also, oh, if anybody's in Dallas, I have a show there. Two tickets sold, please. For the love of God. I am financially fucked. You have to tip in this country. I hate it.

[A]

So when's your show in Dallas exactly?

[E]

16th of June, I think.

[A]

Okay. I don't think this episode's gonna be out by then, but. So you might. Those two people are gonna have to. Well, then f. I love it, Ari. So welcome to the show again and tell us more about you. How have you. How long have you been In America?

[E]

Well, 16 days.

[A]

16 days?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

And how about before that?

[E]

I was here for two months, but I cannot talk about that due to visa restrictions. I was not on this show. This is my first time.

[A]

Right.

[E]

I have not worked illegally.

[A]

Perfect. You're in luck. We don't pay you. Yeah, exactly. There's no. There's no traces of any payment to be had. Enjoy those free drinks after the show. I love it. So what. What. What do we have to do to make you an American? How does this work?

[E]

You have to make me a superstar quick, okay? I have eight months on my work visa, so I need to fucking grand theft auto unlock these islands quick. Okay? I gotta make it, baby. I don't have time to grind in Omaha. If you see Joe Rogan, tell him I'm fucked.

[A]

I love you. You are amazing. Now, what is Estonia known for? Tell us more about your home.

[E]

We have a cast and we have.

[A]

Me. What's at the castle?

[E]

Well, it's like a castle. You ever.

[A]

Yeah, but is it a.

[E]

Like a real one? Not the American fake White Castle? It's like. Yeah, an actual place where people died.

[A]

Wow. Who died there? Why? Why were they dying?

[E]

I don't know about that. Well, Estonia, okay, so short history. We were founded in 1992,

[A]

so we

[E]

don't really have a backlog of stories. Lynn Biscuit is older than my country. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

What was it before?

[E]

Soviet Union.

[A]

Okay, so how long until Putin tries to take this place back?

[E]

In the next eight. We have Compulsory military service. I did not go because I'm a pussy.

[A]

I love it. How have you made a living up till this point? Before you were a comedian, what type of jobs did you have?

[E]

I was a bartender. Because of the pussy.

[A]

You love pussy. Is that an Estonian thing?

[G]

No.

[A]

Oh.

[E]

You ever heard of pussy, Tony?

[A]

Yeah. No. No, I've never heard of such a thing.

[E]

I don't know a lot about you, but comedians have told me some interesting things.

[A]

Oh, yes, I'm gay. Is that what you've heard?

[H]

Yes.

[A]

Yes, exactly. It seems to be the running joke about me. Anyway, what's up? What are you doing later? No, I'm kidding. So tell me more. What's your love life like?

[E]

Are you really bad?

[A]

Do you love American women or do you have a. I love.

[E]

Oh, you know what I'm obsessed with right now? They don't want me.

[A]

But the Latinos, I do believe you mean Latinas. Jesus Christ. I'm into Latinos. If we're playing your little Tony's gay game, I like the nose, you like the nas. You're into Latinas.

[E]

They're like, super. You know the way they look at you?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

They're go.

[C]

They're gonna rob you.

[E]

Please take my. Take everything.

[A]

I don't give a fuck.

[E]

Just give me some of that purple bacon.

[A]

Purple. Purple bacon. Oh, my God.

[E]

Somebody.

[A]

I have never heard it described so perfectly.

[E]

Some. Somebody told me they have the pussies.

[I]

Anyway,

[A]

What are you thinking over here? I hear those wheels turning.

[D]

I mean, I. I'm. My mind. I feel like somebody dropped acid.

[J]

You.

[A]

You.

[D]

So many different things come together to make who you are. So you're like a. You remind me of like a Robin Williams meets a Yakov Smirnoff.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

But no, it's you. It's because of the accent. Yeah. Yes. I mean, because the accent, you feel like, okay, maybe you're still getting a layer, but then you just have such self awareness and then you pull out something like purple bacon, which I've never heard of in my entire life, but

[E]

I heard a black guy say it.

[D]

It's really okay. Yeah, that. That'll do you good. Just repeat everything you hear.

[G]

Yeah.

[D]

From that.

[E]

Black guys are so funny.

[A]

Yeah, they are.

[D]

I would say anything.

[E]

Black guys are, by the way, default, like six years into comedy. Absolutely by default.

[A]

I completely agree with you. They are also the very best roasters in the world. Naturally.

[F]

Looking like a. Yeah, you.

[A]

Gay looking like a. Gay ass. Looking like a. That's what they say. And it's the best setup for looking like a. Looking like a. It's like a speed bag. Looking like a. It just lands every time. They don't. They don't need the white guy. Like, you know what you look like, mister? They looking like a. It's unbelievable. The only person who doesn't do good.

[F]

Look.

[A]

AAGA jokes. D Madness. He has no idea. Smelling like a purple bacon. We're having fun here, Ari. Tony, thank you. Thank you. D. Lewis. J. Gomez.

[C]

I think. Look, I think Ari's great. He's super charming. I hung out with him a couple nights in a row right now. And you know what, dude? I really like you despite you being an actual Nazi. He told me that. He told me that behind closed doors.

[E]

Yes, I've heard he's very popular here now.

[B]

Donald Trump.

[A]

Okay, good news. We just got you a visa. It's coming in November and so is he. I love it. Ari. Maddie, I'm so excited to have you.

[E]

So excited.

[A]

Well, he will be rotating opening positions here with Hans Kim, of course. The great. So Hans is going to get one third less of a workload. But of course, since he's a reigning defending hall of famer, he can also perform any night that he wants because we love Hansi boy. And you guys are going to get to meet the other new opening regular that we'll be rotating in at some point during this episode. Sound good?

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Make some noise one more time for Ari Maddie. Ladies and gentlemen, he has arrived and we are indeed going to make him a superstar. Eight months to make somebody a superstar. We can do that in no time whatsoever. I pre pulled the name out of the bucket. We're going to wrangle another one. And it begins. Your first bucketful that we're gonna meet all together goes by the name of Jesus Elisir. Jesus Eliezer.

[B]

Thank you.

[K]

Thank you. All right, so scientists the other day, they discovered the location of the clitoris on the snakes. I don't know about you, but this is just more confirmation that women are snakes. That's all that is. If you didn't like that one, then if you know who Frances McDormand is, the actress, she was in a movie a couple years ago called Women Talking. I didn't see it personally, but I am waiting for the sequel. It's called Bitch, Shut the Fuck Up. It's directed by a Puerto Rican. It's really good. And the city of Seattle announced a couple months ago that they were no longer going to be investigating sexual assault cases. They said we don't have the Manpower. We're underfunded and we have a new chief of police. And it's Bill Cosby.

[A]

Hey, hey.

[K]

Who the fuck is going to sexually assault blue haired greaseball fucking bulldog bitches?

[A]

Dude?

[K]

I don't know.

[A]

Okay? Jesus. Eliza. Eliza.

[K]

Yeah.

[A]

Uncle Elazar.

[K]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I love it. Welcome to the show. You are a mustache away from being a lady that owns 12 cats. Has anyone ever told you that before?

[K]

That is somewhat accurate. Yeah.

[A]

If you shaved that thing, you would be one of the scariest looking women of all time. Jesus. Welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand up?

[K]

First time up was 2015 in LA.

[A]

Okay. You've been doing it steady since then?

[K]

Sporadically. And I'm getting better at doing it steady.

[A]

I like the look. Black pants, plain black T shirt. You look like Louis C. Quesadilla. Oh, which reminds me, I forgot to bring out a superstar. Ladies and gentlemen, she is one of the legendary band members of the show. I completely forgot to bring her out. I'm gonna bring her out right now. It is indeed Jet Ski. Jesse Johnson, everybody. Jet Ski says funny shit. And when she does, you pretend like you're riding a Jet Ski. Practice. There you go. Good job. Okay, back to this ugly motherfucker. Jesus. Very fun. So you've been doing it since 2015 and then what'd you say?

[K]

And then when you were at the Vulcan, I was on one of the episodes.

[A]

Oh, you were on the show. How did that go?

[K]

It went well.

[C]

It was super memorable. Tony.

[L]

Yeah.

[K]

Shane Gillis. Shane Gillis was the guy.

[A]

Okay, we love Shane.

[K]

We talked about la.

[A]

We talked about la.

[K]

We talked about. I did a little bit of time in jail.

[A]

Okay, let's talk about that. Why did you do time in jail? Jesus.

[K]

Okay, it was a violent crime. So.

[A]

Okay, let's talk about it. It's okay. Jesus. This is what we do now. You're a guest on a podcast and there's nothing interesting about you except for this part. So we gotta find out about it. Jesus. Sal, you wanna take a guess?

[D]

I think it's beating a woman. I don't know why I think that. Just a minute of straight clues. As a feminist. You're a feminist? Yeah.

[K]

Yes, I am.

[A]

Self evoued.

[D]

It's odd. It's odd.

[M]

Yeah, But I feel like he just did his say

[K]

it was a gay guy. Remember I talked about the Jason.

[A]

Stop saying member and fucking be present. It was.

[K]

I worked at a video arcade that had glory holes.

[A]

Huh?

[K]

And there was a night that a gay guy just got A little, too.

[A]

First of all, it is kind of crazy that I don't remember this at all. I have to acknowledge the fact that this show is so nuts and it's so hard to host that I have to just digest shit and let it go. You would think I would remember me, especially me as a super gay man, that there was an arcade with glory holes. This sounds like so much fun. You could fucking Pac man and pack a man at the same time. This is absolutely incredible. Oh, looks like I just achieved a new level. You know what that sound means? Okay, so, Jesus, you're working at an arcade where there's glory holes. First of all, what are you doing? Hopefully not the jizz mopper.

[K]

I am the jizz mopper.

[A]

Are you really?

[K]

I swear to God.

[C]

Well, he wore the outfit tonight, so.

[A]

Hold on.

[K]

I am the jizz mopper.

[A]

You promise you're not being funny, right?

[K]

I swear to God, that was my job.

[A]

Serious. Let's be serious here.

[K]

I swear to God, that was my job.

[A]

You were the jizz mopper at the end of the night.

[K]

I mopped up all the jizz at

[A]

the end of the night. That's not like a. That's not like the grass keepers during a baseball game. You're not, like, out there sweeping during the innings. You wait till the very end and just wait for the motherload. Lis J. Gomez.

[C]

I. I feel like we could turn him upside down and make him the jiz mop.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay, continue. The.

[K]

The gay guy I got crazy with, I didn't know he was gay. I thought he was Puerto Rican.

[A]

Doesn't matter. Sure. That's what we all know about Lewis.

[B]

You know how they are.

[K]

You know how they are, right? So,

[D]

Sal, I never thought I'd live to see the day where a jizz maver references Frances McDormand.

[A]

Oh, me here, the jizz mopper. Let me tell you, I didn't think he was gay. I thought I was doing a Puerto Rican hate crime. Your rationale is incredible. Go ahead, Jesus.

[K]

Yeah, things got a little out of control.

[A]

Tell us about that part. How did things get out of control?

[K]

I don't want to share the details because they are psychotic. They are, like, deranged.

[A]

How many of them do you think he should share the details? So, Jesus, when you hear that picture a million more people watching this episode. And then factor in if you want to talk about the interesting parts.

[K]

This dude came in, coked out. It was, like, really disrespectful usually.

[A]

What was he doing that Was disrespectful.

[K]

I was just trying to talk to him normally about, you know, there's two bucks to get in, blah, blah, blah.

[A]

Two bucks.

[K]

And he started.

[A]

The COVID is $2.

[K]

$2.

[A]

Holy. To come in and what?

[B]

What?

[A]

How? Wait a second. Hold on, wait a second.

[D]

Sal, I know what you're trying to say. You didn't mention you worked at a high end place.

[A]

Are the arcade games just a quarter?

[K]

No, no. You got to put money in the. It's like one of those, like, feed the dollar and there's porno on the tv.

[A]

Oh, so it's not really arcade North Hollywood.

[H]

Yeah.

[K]

Red band knows.

[A]

Red band knows. There you go. Okay.

[K]

And he started getting real crazy. Like, I know how much it cost, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like. It was towards the end of the night. I said, get the out. I don't want to deal with this.

[A]

Yep.

[K]

He started banging on the counter. I lost my mind.

[C]

I, I mean, dude, you're covered in cum at this point, so.

[A]

Yeah, I understand.

[C]

You're not in the right headspace.

[A]

Yeah. Two dollar cover over here.

[K]

I, I, I heard him bad enough to where the cops were like, what the are you doing?

[A]

Like, what did you do, smash his head? Like, what, what did you do?

[C]

I sucked his body

[A]

like, what could you have possibly have done to this? Did you curb stomp him? Like, what happened?

[C]

Dude, stop reliving it in your head right now. Just tell the story. His eyes went like into the back of his head. He was like,

[A]

Share it with us. We want to know. Dude, you look like you were just watching the Grateful Dead, man. The sphere.

[K]

I turned around, I grabbed the first thing I saw and it was.

[A]

Wait, hold on.

[L]

What?

[A]

Enunciate. Give us a chance to work with you here.

[K]

At the end of the night, we lock up the doors with a chain.

[A]

Gotcha.

[K]

I turned around, I grabbed it off the wall. I was just gonna just.

[A]

You were just beat him once.

[D]

I was just gonna do one chain lashing, but once you pop, you can't stop.

[K]

That's not too far off the mark.

[C]

He's like a bad guy from Double Dragon.

[K]

We had crazy assholes come in, so I, I kind of had like a routine grab the chain act. Scary.

[A]

Yeah.

[K]

But this idiot reached out and grabbed it and it was like a tug of war.

[A]

Uh huh.

[K]

And I.

[A]

Nothing worse than a tug of war

[D]

through a glory hole.

[A]

It's just no real winner on this one.

[K]

That's, that's a hug of war, that one.

[A]

But wait a way to way to bring the laughter down.

[K]

That's what I'm here for. He started pulling on it and he stupidly went down on the ground.

[D]

Pulling on what?

[K]

Huh?

[A]

The chain.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[C]

I just want to make sure I'm at the.

[A]

He went down on the ground on all fours with his ass up. So I, I, I love how calculated you are with these answers. You answer questions exactly like Elon Musk answers questions. And I don't think he was ever a jizz mopper before.

[K]

Basically, I strangled this guy with a chain.

[A]

This is kill Tony. You strangled him with a chain? And then what did you do?

[K]

I strangled him pretty bad. He almost died.

[A]

Okay.

[K]

They gave me a year, a year

[C]

in prison because it was a gay guy, so.

[A]

Right.

[K]

I thought again, I thought he was Puerto Rican.

[A]

So did they called it a hate crime?

[K]

They were going to. Because he was, yeah.

[A]

Did you? Well, what makes it a hate crime? Because that's kind of interesting.

[K]

Well, when the cops came and arrested me, I'm going, you guys gotta come here more often. Because we would call them, they'd never come. And they're recording me. And you call saying all this crazy.

[A]

You call them up. You called him the F word.

[K]

I said that. I said these

[G]

blah, blah.

[A]

And I was like, oh, I didn't realize you guys never come here. Blah, blah, blah.

[C]

He's like, oh, they recorded me on their cash cams. That was a bad idea. Do you know how many fucking people are watching right now, you psycho?

[B]

Stop talking.

[K]

I don't have a career. I don't care, Sal. I give a fuck about the Internet. Suck my dick.

[D]

The cops were the only, literally, the

[A]

only people who didn't come. Jesus, did you end up with a joke book last time you were on?

[K]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

A small one.

[K]

Big one.

[A]

A big one. Well, congratulations, my friend. Have a good night. There he goes. Jesus. You're second. Bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, look at this. The lovely Heidi is here. Absolute goddamn smoke show. Your next bucket pull is one of you from the inside. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jordan Grazewski. Jordan. Oh my God. Here he is in the front. There he goes. Jordan Grazewski from right here representing you, the audience. Make some goddamn noise for Jordan Grazewski.

[I]

Crazy.

[G]

All right.

[N]

I almost left because I was going to try to find that arcade store where the last guy worked, but I'm here. So I'm in a new relationship that started recently and she's trying to fill me in on all of her friends. And you can't follow along and she explains her friends by their bangs or what shoes they wear.

[K]

Come on.

[A]

What do we want to know?

[N]

Did she get a BBL last week? Or is there dump truck sounds when she's backing up into a room? That's what we're interested in. Before I got this girlfriend though, I, you know, went a long time without one. And the whole time I was in school, I was always interested in teachers hooking up with kids. And it was never the ones that didn't have any friends. It was always the popular ones. And that's their problem, not mine.

[A]

All right. Jordan Grazewski. Welcome, Jordan. Okay, you bombed.

[N]

That's what I was here for.

[A]

I love it. Were you the guy that Jesus beat to death?

[N]

Yeah, my neck just healed up.

[A]

I love it. Welcome, welcome, Jordan. Is this your first time trying comedy? It is, yeah. Congratulations, Jordan. I guess. I guess I'll say congratulations. How does it feel? Tell the people out there that might be thinking about trying this. What does it feel? Look out there. What is it? What do you not. What? How does it feel right now? What did you not counteract for here? What went wrong?

[N]

The bright light helps, you can't see, but fucked up, man.

[C]

I'm sorry. You're a piece of shit, dude.

[A]

Just being inclusive

[B]

and.

[N]

Yeah, just prepare more, I guess.

[A]

Okay, Absolutely. How old are you?

[N]

27.

[A]

27. And your voice is still cracking.

[N]

I'm dehydrated from being outside.

[A]

Why are you dehydrated?

[N]

It's hot as fuck out.

[A]

Okay. Do you drink water? Yeah. Okay.

[E]

Not enough.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm Jordan. I drink water. Everybody. I'm in a new relationship. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I was gonna go look for the arcade.

[J]

I couldn't find it now. Cause my phone's locked up and I

[A]

was right here just a second ago. Jordan, what do you do for a living? You're 27 years old, where do you live?

[N]

I live in Cleveland.

[A]

Cleveland, Ohio. And what do you do for work?

[N]

I work in software and I'm a professional buyer.

[K]

Boxer.

[A]

You're a professional boxer? Wait a second, I need some boxing music. We gotta have. You shadow box. How many you want to see? Jordan Shadow box. Here he is, everybody doing a little. Oh, wait, you have to. Wow. Wow, look at that. Oh my God. Absolutely incredible. You better not start any with me. I'll tell you right now. I take boxing. Jordan the mouth. A rubber ducky. Anyone ever tell you you sound like a rubber ducky before?

[N]

No, they have not.

[A]

Let's try that one more time. Anybody Ever tell you you sound like a rubber ducky? There you go. Okay.

[C]

Louis, he just tried to deepen his voice. He was like, no, never?

[A]

Yeah. No, no one's ever told me. I've. Ever before. Okay, so, Jordan, you work in software and you box. Do you box for a living? Like, you make money doing that?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Yep.

[M]

Okay, that explains the brain damage.

[A]

There you go. There it is. How long you been boxing for?

[N]

I've been boxing for five years. Pro since last September.

[A]

Wow. And what's your record?

[N]

Two and.

[A]

Oh, two and. Oh, holy shit. And where are you? At the Cleveland Convention Center.

[N]

I did fight there as an amateur.

[A]

Wow, I was just guessing. I didn't really think I was be right about that. Turns out if you say any city and then convention center, you got a good chance. I love it. So what is your love life like? Are you really in a new relationship? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I could kind of see why. Girls, you have Pete Davidson's tattoos and his comedy act. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Look at the New Yorkers looking at me like I'm crazy. How dare you? How dare you talk about our sweet boy. Do you know his father died in 9 11?

[M]

Boring.

[A]

All right. Nobody cares.

[C]

He's a made man. Tony, you don't do that.

[A]

Oh, what, are you gonna fly an airplane into me? I'm friends with Ahmad. A jihad. So how about that? That. Setting the planes, Pete setting the planes. This is your. He's making that Taco Bell money. He doesn't care. All right, so, Jordan, tell us more about you. What's something interesting we would find, we would think is cool about you?

[N]

Before I started boxing, I lost like, £100.

[A]

Oh, you used to be a fat boy, huh? Okay. All right. How'd you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost the weight. Right.

[N]

Eating Chinese.

[A]

Well, I mean, that just hasn't worked. Somehow he manages to find 3,000 calories in that every night. It's those Koreans, man. I've been telling you that. Oh, yours is Korean? Yes. You racist Asian. Racism in me. Sorry. Wouldn't know anything about it. It.

[F]

He's.

[D]

He's so close.

[M]

Red man does boxing to go. Boxing?

[A]

Yeah. Look at the hands up for Jet Ski. Oh, my God. So you've been eating Chinese for how long now?

[N]

A few years.

[A]

Right after you eat it, do you want to eat more?

[N]

No, I usually run to the bathroom.

[A]

Okay. I love it. Wait, what? What does that even mean? Oh, you're saying you get diarrhea. Okay, yeah, there you go. Not that brain damaged okay. There you go. Okay. He just tapped his own head, everybody. There's something up there. I love it. Okay.

[C]

I just want to know why, like, if he's successful at boxing, why would he try to do something he's so bad at?

[A]

My guess is you're a big fan of the show. You're a fellow Ohioan, like me and Red Band, and you thought, why not go to the show? And fuck if I'm gonna go, might as well sign up. I might not have a good minute, but I could probably fucking bob and weave in the interview part, right? And here you are. Am I correct?

[E]

All right.

[A]

He did it.

[B]

Don't get it.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Hey, yo, Adrian.

[A]

Adrian.

[B]

I did it.

[A]

I did it. That was a Rocky set, Ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Jordan Grazewski, ladies and gentlemen. And now, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you would say that Jordan just bombed? Make some noise. Well. Oh, yeah, give him a little joke book. I forgot to give him a joke. Oh, there he is. That's right. You're right here. Fucking amazing. So just give me a little bit lower for a second here while I explain to this audience that now, because somebody bombed on the show, right now at this moment, this is that moment where you find out who the newest rotating regular is. Because this man is famous for cleaning up other people's messes. The fixer, if you will. The old repairman, if you will. How many of you watch this past last Monday's episode? That came out well. Now I am proud to introduce only his second night ever on the show. He's been driving from Dallas for ten and a half months. He's only been on the show one night, and in that one night, he made eight separate appearances on this stage. I am proud to present the newest Kill Tony regular, and he is the great and powerful Drew Nickens.

[B]

All right, how y' all doing tonight?

[A]

All right.

[B]

Being the black man that I am, I cannot get my hair cut by white people. They fuck my shit all the way up. I eat potato salad. But I did meet someone special. His name was E. He was real cool. He let me get the ox. He said I was stupid because LeBron was better than Jordan. But, you know, I was so happy because he finally saw me as a black king. Wakanda. Sometimes I'm only half. But you know what happened? I was ready to buy the shiki, and then I walked into his barbershop, and he goes, what's up, my Jewish homie? Dog, y' all ever cry while getting a haircut? I was so sad. I had one tear crossed down my face like I was a starving African kid. So you know what I did? I did the whitest thing possible. I didn't snitch. I just gave him a two and a half star Yelp review. Thank y' all so much.

[A]

True. Drew Nickens is back, an instant legend on the show. Now, Drew, your episode, your debut episode of Kill Tony came out seven days ago. Exactly. How is your life?

[B]

It is insane. All the people that have sent me with support, I thank y'.

[G]

All.

[B]

My energy drink dealer. That means the cashier of gnc, he even recognized me. I was so excited. Like, women don't go, ew when they see me in emo. They go, ooh, let's go.

[A]

Now, a little fun fact. Normally, I would just. I would ignore the fact that you said energy drink dealer, but I had a chance to graze over your Instagram page because one of my favorite things to do nowadays is to. Is to. When I know somebody's about to blow up on the show, I go to their Instagram page and I screenshot how many followers they have at that time, and I'll give a little glance, I'll see what they have cooking. Now, how many of you, by any chance? I don't know if anybody else did this. Make some noise if you've seen Drew Nickens Instagram page. Okay. That's a pretty decent amount of people. Let me explain to you guys. He literally does energy drink reviews.

[B]

Oh,

[A]

it is unbelievable. The first one, I'm like, whoa, I think I fucked up. This guy has, like, the first one, I'm like, oh, no, he's doing an energy drink review. It doesn't really seem funny. Like, it's not that comedy driven. And then by the second, once I realized that he does it all the time for every different energy drink out there. And it starts on the can and it zooms out and he's there waving.

[B]

Oh, hey, I didn't see you there.

[A]

I watched. I watched him drink, like, 140 cans of energy drink.

[B]

Every.

[A]

Every single one is funnier than the next. There were so few likes. There were so few comments on these things, and I just know this library is gonna blow the up. There's not a doubt in my mind you're going to buy without a doubt any fucking second. Have an energy drink deal. Is that what you're in the market for?

[B]

Yes, sir. I want to be a sommelier of energy drinks? Yes. Or so I don't know how to pronounce it.

[A]

It's good enough. You don't have to.

[C]

I want to know what's the best energy drink.

[B]

Oh, oh, Lord have mercy.

[A]

This is his territory.

[B]

I mean, Rockstar Recovery Orange, if you like Tang, or if you really want to be cracked out and scratch your face a little bit. Shotgun a bucked up. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Wait, you shotgun these? Sometimes?

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Have you ever seen him shot? Shotgun something? It's crazy.

[B]

Yeah, he said it.

[A]

He asked me because I always wear a Rockstar video game hat. He's like, what's your favorite kind of rock star energy drink? And I'm like, that's not the same company. It doesn't matter to Drew. It doesn't matter. I absolutely love it. So another fun fact is that after his last appearance, we were at Mitzi's, the bar here. And I was immediately nervous to see him there, cuz I'm like, oh, no, this guy's going to get drunk and ruin his career before it even starts. But sure enough, I remember your order. You. Can I say it?

[B]

I. Yeah, yeah, you can say it.

[A]

I said, drew, do you want a water? That's what I say to people, that I want to stay sober. I go, do you want a water or something? And he goes, I'll have a Red Bull pineapple.

[B]

Yeah, I'm wild, ladies.

[A]

Anyway, so you're sober, right?

[B]

Yes, sir. Three years.

[A]

Right. You just seem trashed all the time, and you're completely sober. I love it. You wouldn't need any of that. You don't need any of that crap in your life. It's not gonna mix well with you. I mean, I absolutely love you, Drew. This is your first time seeing Drew Nickens, you guys, right? Lewis and Sal.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, I see everyone.

[C]

Everyone on the kill. Tony subreddit is going crazy over you, dude.

[A]

Yeah, they love you.

[C]

They fucking. Yeah, they love you. So I was very excited to see you.

[K]

You have a.

[C]

You have a very sweet energy. I feel like I want to, like, invite you into my home, but I wouldn't let you pet my cat because you'd kill it.

[B]

Damn it.

[A]

He does have a very sweet energy from all the sweet energy drinks.

[D]

How many energy drinks would you say you had today?

[B]

So I don't count by cans. I count by milligrams now, because when you just count cans, it could be like, I had six and it's only 600 milligrams. Or if I had four and it's like 800 milligrams.

[D]

So you had none today then?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. I had 800.

[D]

800 milligrams of energy drinks.

[B]

Four ghost energy.

[D]

Yeah, everything seems urgent. Have you talked to a doctor about your heart? For real?

[B]

Why would I ruin that type of fun? I don't get a drink and I don't get to do drugs. Don't kill my joy.

[D]

So you realize as you get pulled over, you're going to jail no matter what?

[B]

No, I'll get, like, one of those special green smocks. It'll be fun. He's been to jail.

[A]

So what made you start to go by milligrams? Just out of curiosity?

[B]

Because I was like, wow, I had four Red Bulls, and I don't feel like I'm hyper. I don't feel like I'm living life.

[A]

So what is the proper amount in your mind of what's the range of milligrams that you like to go through?

[B]

So a chill.

[A]

Wait, I. Up. Go ahead, go ahead.

[B]

All right, so 400 milligrams if I'm just trying to survive today. 650 if I don't have to drive more than 30 minutes. I live in DFW. That should give you a hit. And then extreme danger. Okay, I'm floating and I'm talking to space is 1200 milligrams.

[A]

I was trying to get to that part, but it's very hard to do. Turns out Red Band's job is harder than it looks. I was trying to get to the Amelia. Milli. A Milli. There you. Yeah, there you go. For milligrams.

[B]

Dang, you smart. Woo.

[A]

I think we got a new theme song for him.

[D]

I'd love to see you at Awake.

[B]

Only been to, like, three funerals. They don't like me there.

[A]

They don't like you there? No. They're like, that guy's having too much fun. He's over there fucking shotgunning Red Bulls over a coffin. Tell us something else about your life that we didn't learn last time you were up.

[B]

So before I worked legal poker, I used to work illegal poker.

[A]

Wait, I didn't.

[B]

Underground.

[A]

I didn't even know that you work legal poker. What do you do for poker?

[B]

Okay, so I'm a cashier. They let me work with money. They're stupid. But I work in a legal room where you don't rake out of the pots. They only take $13 an hour now.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

For every seat. So that's how they make their money. Before that, I worked the underground scene.

[A]

Okay, tell us about the underground scene.

[B]

All right, boys. They were even stupider they let me be security, but. But it was really interesting because they'd take money out of the pots. There would be girls there. There would be. There would be any type of drink you wanted.

[A]

How many girls would there be there?

[B]

A Millie, right? No, there would be, like, at least three girls to every ten guys.

[A]

Wow. Okay.

[B]

And they didn't talk to me unless it was to take out the trash, though.

[A]

Right. Okay, that makes sense. And then. Anything crazy ever happened there? Well, okay, relax. Right. I up.

[B]

Well, one of the crazy things was, like, I would walk into the bathroom because it would be unlocked, and there would be, like, some canoodling going on.

[A]

Oh, what kind of canoe? When you say noodling, what exactly do you mean?

[B]

Fornication, Fellatio.

[C]

Oh, there was a gay guy. There was a chain.

[A]

There's a lot. Yeah. This is wild. Poker in the front, arcade in the back. Drew, you are the man. We have so much time to spend and find out more about you because you are the new regular on the show. Couldn't be more excited about it. Make some noise one more time for Drew Nickens, everybody. No, we gotta wait. All right, let's do a golden ticket winner, everybody. Actually, let's go back to the bucket. We're gonna go to the golden ticket winner next. Back to the bucket we go. We're gonna meet this guy all together. Make some noise for Pierre M, everybody. Pierre M.

[G]

What's up, y'?

[A]

All?

[G]

I know y' all are expecting something different, but I am, Pierre. You know, I know what I look like. I know exactly what I look like, bro. I never been to jail. I take care of my kids. It's gonna be okay. I swear to God. Listen, the only thing keeping me out of prison is literally rape, dog. Like, fuck. Fuck doing life in prison. Fuck. Like, having to fight a bunch of white guys. Skinheads. I'm not. Have y' all seen eyes? Are y' all familiar with eyes?

[C]

All right.

[G]

Yeah. I work out a lot, obviously. So what I realized working out was if I really was into rape, though, like, in a Village situation, I could rape, like, 98% of y'.

[B]

All.

[G]

I thought about it. I did the math. But I work out only for, like, a plan B. Like, just in case. Like, if this room. If this room went crazy, I don't want any of you white women, Swear to God. No offense. Y' all look great. Y' all look great. But I see what happens when black dudes get white women. We running down the street, getting chased by. I can't fuck with It. But in a village situation, bro. I can have my pick, bro. I'm looking around. I mean, it's a couple, y'.

[M]

All.

[G]

I could do what I want with y', all, man. I was thinking about us new black people, right? I was like, I'm not calling us lazy. I don't think we lazy, right? But I don't think we would make good slaves. Can you imagine Harriet Tubman? Harriet. Who is Harriet Tubman? Look, they go.

[F]

My black heart.

[A]

Wow. Pierre M, ladies and gentlemen, Pierre. Pierre. Pierre. Welcome to the show. Pierre.

[G]

What's up, man?

[A]

This is incredible. Your first time on?

[G]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Wow. I don't even know where to begin with you. You're like a healthy David Lucas.

[G]

I know David. I've told him that. I told him that. I said, bro, if you get in shape, we could be like a duo.

[A]

You're like slavid, Lucas.

[G]

Ain't no way I look more slave than David, bro. Ain't no way.

[A]

I love it.

[G]

David has the softest hands of a black man I ever felt in my life. He's never done any manual labor in his life.

[A]

It's true. Yeah.

[G]

Softest hands I've ever felt.

[A]

Massaging sticks of butter all day.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

I love David do, bro. I love.

[A]

We all love David. David. Absolutely. How long you been doing standup?

[G]

I went hard for, like, two years ago for, like, two months.

[A]

And when you go hard, I'd imagine 17 inches is my guess.

[G]

I do all right, bro. Some.

[F]

Some.

[G]

I do. Yeah.

[A]

Pierre is also how they describe the smell of R. Kelly's bedroom, by the way. I don't know if you know that, Louis J. Goz, if you're here, who's

[C]

my wife back at home right now?

[G]

What color is your wife, bro? She's a white.

[C]

You know. What's up, doggy?

[G]

You're safe, bro.

[C]

You don't like white chicks?

[G]

I mean, no, I don't.

[C]

Oh, my God. You poor white chicks. You know what he would do to you? Holy.

[G]

I'm terrified of white women. Terrified?

[A]

Terrified of what?

[G]

White women. White girls. Yeah, I'm terrified.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. They're terrified of you.

[G]

I don't know, bro. These new white women in Austin are so, like. They're so nice. The racism. I kind of miss it because I'm. I get approached a lot. I don't trust.

[J]

Trust.

[G]

Listen, I'm not racist. I don't trust white people at all, bro.

[A]

Tell us more. Tell us more about this distrust.

[G]

Cause they always come at you with, like, a passive racism. Like, y' all know, like, hey, do you. What apartment do you live in? Do you live here? I'm like, bro, like, it's super nice. They get into your space with the nice shit, then they're like, nigga, you know, it slips out. It's like, it's like right there on their forehead. I know what you want. I know what you want from me.

[D]

I know nothing of that, Pierre, but who let you in tonight?

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you.

[G]

No. Oh, I'm not.

[D]

Listen, I, I, I know you said you could probably rape almost anyone, but good luck catching Drew.

[A]

Yeah, Drew on. Drew's on energy drinks.

[G]

Oh, yeah, I heard, I heard he's, I heard him.

[A]

He'll turn your penis sideways and shotgun it.

[G]

I'm not a white man either, so.

[D]

How many milliliters you talking?

[A]

What?

[D]

How many milliliters are we talking?

[A]

A Millie. A Millie.

[D]

A Millie.

[G]

A Millie.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay, Pierre. Okay, so you've been on stand up how long again?

[G]

I would say, like two months. Two years ago. So not long at all. Not, not enough to be consistent.

[A]

Okay, so a couple years. You're absolutely hilarious. Your presence is unbelievable. What do you, what do you do for work?

[G]

I drive 18.

[A]

You drive 18 wheel trucks? Yeah.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God, that is incredible.

[G]

Yeah, I have a job. Like, it's a lot of guys over there that homeless. I guess being homeless is part of being a comedian, so. Yeah, I missed that part.

[A]

No, it's good. It's good to have a job. You don't have to be homeless. It's all right. It's. Some people just are insane.

[G]

Yeah, man, I see.

[A]

You can. Yeah, you can, you can do both. That's good. All right. How long you been driving 18 wheelers?

[G]

For six years.

[A]

Years?

[G]

No, like, eight years. Sorry.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

Yeah, awesome. I work for Pepsi. I deliver sodas. I mean, that's same shit. 18 wheelers.

[A]

Nice. Yeah, absolutely.

[C]

Some fat guy in the back.

[B]

I love Pepsi.

[G]

Serving diabetes, man. You know, passing it out.

[A]

Your shirt says New York. Is that where you're from?

[G]

Nah, I just went thrift. This thrift shirt.

[A]

Thrift shirt. Oh, okay. All right.

[G]

I'm from, I'm born and raised in Austin, Texas. I see all the black guys. I see all the black guys y' all have here, and I'm like, bro, none of these niggas are from Austin.

[A]

I swear to God.

[G]

They, like, come use, bro. I was born, I was, I was born here in Austin on the east side of Austin. I live, I grew up in Del Valley, though. That's like Right outside.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

But yeah. Whole life here in Austin, Texas.

[A]

Oh, that's amazing.

[G]

I've been trying to sneak in, bro. It's hard to get in this.

[A]

I love it. No, you're in. You have arrived. Pierre, what would you tell people that are moving to Austin, Texas? What's your advice? If you were going to be the head of tourism for Austin, Texas, what would you.

[G]

Are y' all sponsored by the barbecue place? Y' all always eat that? Y. What is it? Blacks.

[A]

Y' all sponsored by cm. Cm Smokehouse it to some effect? I mean. Yes.

[K]

Good.

[G]

So I wouldn't. I would go outside, like Elgin. Elgin probably has the best barbecue.

[C]

Say don't. You would say don't go to the sponsor for the show.

[G]

You said it. I agree with you, though. I wouldn't go there.

[A]

Have you been there?

[G]

Yeah, I've been there. It's good. It's good. But I think the best barbecue is, like, outside, like Lockhart and Elan. They got the best barbecue, right?

[A]

Well, yeah. Not all of us are down to drive hours and hours a day like you.

[G]

Yeah, you're right. You're right, you're right.

[A]

Okay. So I asked you how you would be the tourism head of Austin. You went recommending ribs and chicken for everybody. This is kind of.

[G]

Austin's not the same. I don't even know Austin no more, bro. All these rich people can came and like, gentrified everything. It's not. I don't even recognize where the I'm at, which is dope. I mean, y' all got the money, buy the houses. But it's. It's tough, man. I don't know. I don't even know the east side of Austin no more. They got, like, million dollar houses.

[A]

Well, yeah, the east side was. That was the. That was where we could almost say what the. Get the ghetto right.

[G]

I mean. Yeah, that's pretty. Project. This project.

[A]

Yeah. It was at one point called Blacksville. Am I correct?

[G]

I guess, bro. I know before I was.

[A]

I know this. I did research when I first got here.

[G]

Yeah. Always see, like, white women.

[A]

Part of Austin to not go to. And it said the east side and that it was once called Blacksville. And that night, because I just got here, I did a joke about how it was once called Blacksville and nobody laughed. And I remember that very specifically that I was. I was the only person that knew about Blacksville.

[G]

Blacksville. I didn't.

[A]

Never heard.

[L]

I never heard this.

[A]

No. That's a South.

[G]

I love you with Andrew Santino, Sal Volcano.

[D]

You Said you were born and raised here, but you don't really recognize it

[H]

anymore because you said a lot of

[G]

rich white people moved in. Rich white people. Just rich people, period.

[D]

Yeah, but you said rich white people

[H]

moved in and gentrified it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[G]

It slips out since.

[A]

Oh, you're tired. You're looking at me.

[J]

Oh, yeah.

[G]

Tony's rich. Yeah, of course.

[A]

Well, I mean, all pretty paid.

[G]

Y' all pretty rich, right? You live here, too?

[A]

No, I was just making fun of Sal's. The richest out of all of us.

[C]

By far.

[A]

By far.

[C]

Wife by leaps and bounds.

[A]

By.

[B]

By.

[A]

By $100 million.

[G]

Damn.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[G]

God damn.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I'm considering driving 18 wheelers.

[G]

Come on, bro.

[A]

We h. Leis needs a job.

[C]

I would love. I would love to drive some 18 wheelers.

[G]

Dude, now you don't r. She's a nightmare.

[C]

Sounds great.

[G]

You won't do that at all, bro.

[A]

Oh, well, we're trying to get Lewis to move here so that it's de. Gentrified.

[G]

He's gonna try more color in Austin. I like that, bro.

[A]

It's gonna take it back. So, Pierre, you said you're afraid of white women. So is it black women exclusively for you? Is that your thing?

[G]

I mean, right now I'm kind of playing with the black Latin. I'm with a mix right now.

[A]

So you're with a midget?

[G]

Mixed.

[A]

Oh, I was gonna say.

[G]

No, no, no, no. Midgets don't.

[A]

Nothing against midget. Just getting absolute.

[G]

I'm not. I'm not afraid of white women. It's just.

[O]

I don't.

[G]

We don't. Our dynamic never matches. I don't. I don't really get them. I don't understand.

[A]

Have you been on a date with a white woman?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

How does that go? Like, where do you go on a date? What? What?

[G]

We met at a park, and it was hot as. It was her idea.

[A]

Right. So meet at the park. Right. Public. She saw your. So she obviously. She obviously saw your profile picture. She's like, let's meet out front of the police department, bro.

[G]

Yeah, I mean, maybe,

[F]

hey, you'll be

[D]

able to find me. I'll be the one wearing the rape whistle.

[H]

And a rose.

[D]

And a rose.

[G]

She hit me up, bro. She hit me up, though. It was back in my. When I was, like, outside a lot, dating. But, yeah, we went to a park, and she brought, like. She had a cat. She brought her cat to the park.

[A]

She brought her cat to the park?

[G]

Yeah, bro. She brought her Cat to the park and she brought the food. And the food was like real mayonnaise. Y. I wasn't fucking with her. A bunch of Aolio aioli was on everything. I don't with aioli, bro.

[F]

At all.

[A]

They are not all like that, Pierre,

[G]

bro, she brought like aioli sandwiches. I don't with aioli, bro. They was. She was cute, though. And the blue eyes scared the out of me, bro. Maybe it's. Maybe I'm the racist. I don't know.

[A]

Apparently, blue eyes. Blue eyes scare you?

[G]

Yeah, man. It's like soulless, man. Oh, there's nothing in there, bro. What are you looking? It's like blue eyes look through you did not see. They don't see color, man. I don't know. I don't know. These are things I think about. Maybe, like I said, maybe I'm the races. I don't know.

[A]

No, no. I love you, Pierre. You're amazing. Don't change a single thing. Everything you say is kind of funny.

[G]

I appreciate it, bro.

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

By the way, is he just. He's so naturally charismatic.

[G]

He's awesome.

[A]

Dude, you really.

[C]

You only doing a couple months, dude. You should keep on trying to do comedy.

[A]

Yeah, you really.

[C]

You have a thing. Very fun.

[A]

What's the longest set you've ever done?

[G]

I've done like five minutes.

[A]

Five minutes, that's it.

[C]

He blew that bitch's back out.

[A]

Oh, you're the worst.

[C]

She couldn't walk after that.

[A]

Do you want to do five minutes at the secret show Thursday? There you go. That's how you can start people's careers. Red band. Hell yeah.

[E]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Here's the big joke. Buck, make some noise for Pierre, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness, he has arrived. Oh, yeah. We have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen. This guy won a golden ticket all the way back five or six years ago in Portland, Oregon. Make some noise for him. It's the return of Todd Royce, everybody. It's been a long time. Todd Royce, everybody.

[I]

I'm gonna be honest with you. I'm not great at fucking. And it's unfortunate because my wife is amazing at sex. Or so I've heard. I don't know if that's. I don't know if that's true or not, but. Well, you hear the other comics talk, and I'm joking. My wife has never fucked a comedian. And by the way, I'm sorry if that ruins your perception of me. When you saw me walk through that curtain, if you were like, man, I bet this guy can lace and Bite. But no, turns out not so much. I just always. And now it's gotten even worse now that I'm in my 40s. And I know I look a little young for my age, but that's cause I'm a health nut.

[A]

And

[I]

they say black don't crack while obese don't crease. So. I just always thought when I got older, you know, big fat body, big fat cock and. No, I don't know why my grandma told me that. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Wow. Another golden ticket winner showing the difference between a normal human being and a golden ticket winner. Luis J. Gomez.

[C]

I mean, if you are not the exact polar opposite of Pierre.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, that was the.

[C]

It was like he walked out, you walked out. That was crazy, dude.

[I]

We were back there with Heidi and she, for whatever reason, was closer to him.

[A]

I don't know. Right. Yeah.

[I]

I did find out earlier that I got to start eating Chinese pussy. So that's. That's something.

[A]

That is true. You have a lot of Chinese pussy to eat.

[I]

I've been doing half of that for a long time.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[I]

Eating Chinese. I don't know. Nevermind.

[A]

All right, there you go, Tony.

[I]

Back to you.

[A]

I love it. You are just as funny as I remember you. And bigger than I recall.

[I]

Dude, I have lost so much weight since the last time I was here. I was here over a year ago and I've lost three and a half pounds since then, so. Come on.

[A]

Wow. Incredible. That's a good. Whoa, look at that. Oh, my God. He can shake those things. That is incredible. Those are the biggest shaking tits I've ever seen. I would almost. I want to call them pecs, but I mean, they're so far under there that I have to call them.

[I]

They're. Well, you know, they're just. Just. They're what they call man boobs. But I like to. The man part of it.

[A]

Right.

[I]

Very manly.

[C]

Right?

[I]

You see it? You're really close.

[A]

This guy's scared to death.

[I]

If I fall, he's dead. Yeah, that's. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[I]

You didn't know this was the danger zone right here?

[A]

Do anything come out of those tits? If you squeeze it, does muscle milk come out or something? Like what happens?

[I]

Does muscle melt come out of it? Is that what you're asking me? Yeah, I've said this before. I actually. I had a medical issue. Believe it or not, I had a kidney stone. And people say that when a man has a kidney stone, it's more painful than when a woman gives birth to a child.

[D]

Yeah.

[I]

I love I love.

[A]

There's a latina lady with 16 kids that big stuff. Differ over here. Oh, God. My. Oh, my God.

[I]

See, I don't know if it's true or not, but I do know I started lactating. That's how painful.

[A]

Really?

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

[I]

Just right. Straight out. I was escorted.

[A]

So you passed the kidney stone?

[I]

I passed the kidney. Well, no, I had to go to the hospital because the kidney stone. This will be fun for you guys. The kidney stone was actually stuck right at the very tip of my dick, and it couldn't come out, and they had to actually. You'll actually love this. I went to the hospital.

[A]

I will love it. What? They have to suck it out of you or something?

[G]

Something.

[A]

You guys. Thank you, lady. Some lady's just flipping me off. Literally got mad. Okay, go ahead.

[I]

Every time I'm in the green room, I can never find you. And I have to look down here to make sure.

[A]

Oh, you son of a. You. That's where I was. I was sucking the fattest guy's. So what happened with your kidney stone?

[I]

So I had to go to the hospital. They had to have. The doctor told me he needed the nurse to come in and help him get it out, and she.

[C]

Yeah, because it was a kidney boulder.

[I]

Dude, you have no idea. Dude, this. This. This chick came in and this is the sexiest woman I've ever seen. My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me. My wife can eat a dick. This chick was so fucking hot. And I thought, like, you know, she was going to come in.

[A]

I think your wife would eat a dick, but it looks like you've eaten all of them already.

[I]

Coming from someone who's eaten his share, I.

[A]

Shut up. Shut up, or else I'm going to come out there and suck all of your cops. Watch it.

[B]

He'll do it.

[A]

He'll do it. I'll do it. Don't you say another peep. Stop laughing. All right, do it.

[I]

One guy goes.

[A]

Do it. One guy's got his out over there. I love it.

[F]

Hey, do it. Hey, do it.

[A]

Come suck my dick, dude.

[I]

Sal's moving farther and farther away from you.

[A]

I noticed. It's okay. It's okay. He's all right. Let's go.

[I]

Yeah. So he had the nurse come in and help him. And I was wondering what she was gonna do to my dick because she was really hot and turns out what she was there for. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but what she was there for was she had to actually physically get under my gut and shove it out of the way so the doctor could get in with pliers and pull it out the tip of my dick.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, my God. They didn't use, like, lasers or anything like that?

[I]

Nope.

[F]

What?

[A]

Sal, they don't teach that in medical school.

[D]

That's an on the job thing right there.

[I]

Yeah, they actually. I mean, they knocked me out with Propofol. When I came to, the nurse was standing over me and she was like, that's the biggest one I've ever seen. She was talking about the rock, but unfortunately.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. That poor doctor.

[I]

Yeah, well, the poor doctor. What about me? Actually, I brought. I actually brought it with me because they gave it to me.

[A]

You brought the stone with you?

[I]

Oh, this is the actual stone.

[A]

Oh, my God. Let's see that. Let me see that. Lewis.

[B]

Never been open.

[A]

Don't, Louis.

[B]

No, no, put that away, dude.

[A]

I never open. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Louis. Jake Gomez. Shut up, Red band.

[I]

That's the Puerto Rican rattlesnake.

[A]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. For those of you just listening to the podcast, he handed a medical container over to Lewis, who immediately opened it, put it in his hand, jiggled it around, threw it in his mouth, and then swallowed it like a pill. This is Kill Tony, everybody. We are. There's only one way to become the number one live podcast on YouTube, and this is how you do it. This is what it takes.

[G]

No, no, no.

[D]

Please, please, please have it.

[A]

It.

[G]

I don't need it back.

[I]

Louis, Where's Heidi at? He's gonna need a few more.

[A]

Sal. You don't want the backwash.

[E]

What?

[D]

You didn't need to do that.

[B]

Why?

[D]

Nobody was expecting it, and they're gonna go home.

[C]

I just want to pass his kidney stone. That's a first.

[A]

This kidney stone is like. Wait. The game restarts again. What the. What is going on here? Oh, I think it's coming out of a different hole this time.

[C]

I feel like it's stuck right here.

[F]

That thing was so big.

[D]

You're gonna have time passing it out of your ass.

[I]

I never thought coming here, a piece of me would be inside Luis J. Gomez.

[A]

Well, it is true. He might need some of your milk to wash it. Oh, my God. This is the most disgusting show on planet Earth. You gotta love it. I puked and drank my own puke.

[I]

I was gonna offer it to sell to see if they wanted to do that as a punishment on Jokers, but

[D]

Lewis beat me to it.

[I]

Lewis is like, I'll Just do it

[A]

for the street cred.

[D]

God damn it, Lewis. That stone had my name written all over it.

[A]

Oh my God. Well, I mean, do you feel the same?

[D]

How do you feel?

[C]

I feel like I. I am you.

[I]

Yeah. You might have diabetes now,

[A]

Todd. Absolutely incredible. You're a golden ticket winner. You flew in just for this. You fly out tomorrow. We love you.

[I]

I love this.

[A]

An epic appearance on this show.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

How loud can this place get for Todd Royce, huh?

[I]

Can I do one plug? Yeah, it's really quick. I have a brand new podcast called the Sweet Potato Pod, so check that out. And also I'm gonna be in Washington D.C. in July. I'm gonna try to straighten out all the shit going on in the government. So you guys are awesome. Thank you so much.

[B]

Love you, Tony.

[A]

There you go. There he goes. Todd Royce, everybody. Sal Volcano's new special, terrified is on YouTube at 800 pounds. Gorilla Louis J. Gomez is on tour. Lewisof skanks.com for tickets. Ladies and gentlemen, we've come to the part of the show where we have to get to one of our regulars, everybody. I mean, what an action packed episode we have have tonight. And I am so proud to present to you a brand new 60 seconds from one of the best regulars in the history of the show. Let's see how loud this place can get for the one and only Cam Patterson.

[F]

Rocks are friends, not food. We like rocks.

[A]

We don't eat them.

[F]

I was in Springfield, Missouri this weekend. Yeah, we don't need that place. We can cut that bitch right out. The United States of America. That place is terrible. I was there and it was just only white people. Anyway, this how I knew this place was a shitty place to be in the world. They were like, hey, you gotta go to the Bass pro shop. It's like our number one main attraction. Go to the Bass pro Shop. Like, nigga, that's stupid, right? And then I got there and I was there for three hours. Cause I fucking loved it. It was amazing. It was the best place on earth. I will tell you. It was weird cause like they had like an archery hall of fame and I went there cause I want to see if any black people was on the archery hall of fame. And there was not one, right? But the closest that we got was like an Indian nigga. And they know when he was this real shit was an Indian like one of them real ones, you know what I'm saying? And he had. They know when he was born, they said 18. Question mark, question mark. But they know when he Died because y' all killed him.

[A]

Right? And

[F]

how about that?

[A]

Thank you. Unbelievable. He did it again. Makes sense. It look easy. There it is. Come on. Hell, yeah.

[F]

What's up, S? What's up? How you doing?

[C]

Cam's a man. I love Cam Patterson.

[A]

Clap it up one more time. Cam loves rocks.

[F]

I do. You ate it.

[I]

You just ate it.

[A]

Loves rocks.

[F]

I ain't know what it was. I stepped my head out. I stepped my head out to what's name. I just heard a rock. I like, you heard rocks in here. Rocks sound like somebody got me a gift. And he was like, oh, he eating it like it's a snack. That was crazy.

[A]

It unbelievable.

[F]

This whole episode's been insane, dog.

[A]

It has.

[F]

The big was terrified. Y' all see, bro, Pierre, Let me tell you something.

[A]

Tell us. Tell us. Say the things about Pierre that we couldn't say. No, it was like.

[B]

It wasn't like.

[A]

He was like, no, he.

[F]

He good, dude. It was funny. He came out. Watch him. I like, this guy's going to start crushing. This is dope. And he was like, I rape everybody in here right now. I'm like, I leave. I got.

[B]

I don't.

[F]

I don't have to be here.

[G]

I'mma go home, bro.

[A]

Everybody in here.

[F]

Fuck that. Not gonna get me, brother. I swear. The guys you want. And then he was like, all the white bitches.

[B]

I'm raping y' all too.

[A]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nigga, that's crazy.

[F]

I thought the police was gonna arrest his ass. Like, we can't say shit like that, dog.

[G]

That's insane.

[A]

He would have raped the police officers. Been amazing, bro.

[F]

That was crazy.

[A]

He a good.

[F]

He a good dude. I like him. Please don't rate me.

[G]

We friends.

[A]

I love. He went to the camera like, he's already watching this episode. He's got the link to the stream. I love it, Cam. You did it again. So you were in Springfield, Missouri?

[B]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't know if I've ever been there, man.

[F]

The club is great. Oh, the Blue Room. It was a good club. I really like the club. The place is just terrible. It's a horrible place. The funny thing about the club, there's an old guy. It's an old nigga. He opened all the shows name Old man Willie. He's 92 years old and he don't give a fuck no more. And that's. I kept asking him, I'm like, old man, when the last time you ever said nigga?

[A]

He just called going and walked away.

[F]

And that just meant recently Right, right. And then. And then the funny shit. I just gave this random girl a guest spot. I gave her a guest spot. She was taking pictures for me at

[G]

the meet and greet.

[F]

So I was like, you can do a guest spot on the next show. And then she came the next day, ready for the guest spot. And old man Williams was getting ready to go up and he said, hey, excuse me, young lady. Are you doing the spot on the show tonight? And then she said, yeah, I am. See, I could tell cause you're dressed like a whore. And it just walked off stage. He called a bitch a harlot. I ain't never heard nobody say that before. That was crazy.

[A]

Old man Willie, is this the guy? That William Montgomery was at this club and the guy fell down. Like, he talked about it on the Kill, Tony.

[F]

A few weeks, probably.

[A]

I don't know.

[F]

Yeah, probably. I know, I know. He definitely himself in the green room. He definitely did that. Oh, definitely. He's 93 years old. He wants to die. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, he don't give a no more.

[F]

He simply said went on stage and went home.

[A]

That's life, right? He's out there opening shows. Young black men are headlined. Yeah, he did. He.

[F]

He didn't know. He didn't know what the was going on. He had no idea, right? Like, nigga, you free?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

What the.

[A]

What in the world?

[F]

Somebody killed me.

[A]

That's right. Turns out the only people in chains nowadays are gay Puerto Ricans. I mean, my goodness, Cam, you're such a superstar, I don't even know where to begin. Gab, you're already doing skank fest, right?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, because I tell you right now, I would.

[C]

You'd be the guy right now. You're the best. Dude, you're so funny, dude, you really. You really make me laugh, dude.

[A]

I heard they might be looking for a new black and practical joker.

[D]

Cam, you have a DVD player?

[A]

He's about to. One of theirs is going to go missing.

[C]

It'll be called Emblacticle Jokers.

[B]

What?

[A]

It's the rock in on me that's

[M]

like getting to you stoned right now.

[A]

Absolutely amazing, Cam. I mean, you did it again. It is incredible how you can take a weekend on the road. You're out there headlining, making money, getting better, growing, and you take that experience, bring it on a Monday and make it about that. And then you have another new minute to add to the hour that you're doing on the road. The machine is just. I don't think anyone's Ever used it better and at a faster rate than you. You're a natural. You're killing it. You're growing. Everything's amazing. Make some goddamn noise for Cam Patterson. And the present. You could do better than that. Make some noise for Cam Patterson. Saw Volcano, also on Tour. Saw Volcano Comedy.com Lewis [e-mail] They're both on tour. And Cam, of course, is on tour as well. Okay, your next bucket pool goes by the name. We're gonna meet them all together of CJ Gore, everybody. We're gonna make meet CJ Gore.

[H]

All right, so I recently was dating a disabled woman. She had one leg that was shorter than the other. Her name was Eileen. And she. She got really pissed at me. She always said that we could never see eye to eye. And you know, she broke up to me, but I got her back. I frickin got over on her. I banged her Asian friend that had the same ailment and her name was Irene.

[A]

Yeah.

[H]

And then I had to take it a step further and I banged her Mexican friend that doesn't have any legs. Her name was Consuelo. Yeah, but I'm married now. I'm married now. My wife is Mexican, which is awesome. Shout out to all the Mexican ladies.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[H]

The best thing is there's awesome food. You can't lie. Mexican food's awesome. But they will cook up some weird shit. Like they'll randomly cook up intestines and like brains and tongue. And I'm like, look, I just want to have dinner. I don't want to be on an episode of Fear Factor. Thank you, guys.

[A]

Wow. CJ Gore, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely terrible cj. The Eileen, the Irene. I mean, these are all literal joke books. I mean, jokes out of a joke book. How long you been doing stand up?

[H]

It'll be two weeks on Wednesday.

[A]

There you go. Two weeks is good. It's good that you're doing that with that type of material now. That's good. Next week you can't do any of those jokes.

[B]

Jokes.

[H]

I will not, I promise.

[A]

Ever again.

[H]

I promise.

[A]

So it's been two weeks. How old are you?

[H]

43.

[A]

43. What made you start at the age of 43?

[H]

Well, honestly, I always love stand up comedy and not to be a brown noser, but like watching this show and like seeing people that have been doing it for a long time.

[C]

Are you gonna cry?

[G]

No, dude, I'm just.

[A]

If you are, let it happen. Because if any rocks fall out of your eyes, Lewis has to eat them.

[H]

My Rocks will go to Cam, not Lewis.

[A]

There you go. Very good. Okay, so what do you do for a living?

[H]

I do construction sales for H vac and plumbing.

[A]

Okay, that's. Yep. All right, you're 43. Do you have a girlfriend? I have a wife.

[H]

I've been married 10 years.

[A]

Okay, what does she do?

[H]

She works for USAA. She's in corporate communications.

[L]

All right.

[A]

USAA. Amazing. She's Mexican.

[H]

Yes.

[A]

And she works for USAA.

[H]

Yeah, they gotta check the boxes off, you know.

[A]

Wow. Aye, aye, aye. Amazing. Okay. And sex life still good?

[H]

Sex life is always good with a Mexican woman.

[A]

Okay, tell us about that. What's it like?

[H]

Like, basically, I'm just her, right? I mean, that's. That's the extent of it. When she wants it, she gets it.

[A]

Okay. She goes. She goes, I want that.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

And you go, okay, yep, I do.

[H]

I tell her a terrible joke and give it my best shot.

[A]

Okay. That's what gets her wet and wild is your material.

[H]

No, no, no, It's. It's definitely not. Usually when I mow the yard, when I do yard work, she. For some reason, that gets her going.

[A]

Oh, yeah, they love that. Yeah, they do love that. It's time to masturbate. There you go.

[C]

That gets her back nice and wet.

[A]

Yep. Absolutely.

[H]

It does.

[A]

It does. Absolutely. Okay, so, cj, you have any special skills or talents? What have you been doing for 43 years other than working?

[H]

I used to tour. I used to play drums and tour around the country.

[A]

You used to play drums?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, you're lucky. You're lucky. You're lucky. There's no way Charles Reed's going to want to do a Mexican drum off you. Do you want to? Okay, Charles, take a step back.

[H]

This dude's definitely gonna be better than me.

[A]

Okay, well, way to ruin show business there, cj. Great stuff. You're great. Guess the next four minutes are completely pointless. Thank you, cj. Welcome. Get back there and play a drum solo, you idiot. This guy's gonna win. Thank you, cj. You're as good at. You're as good at hosting as you are at stand up. You better be better than at the drums than you are at comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a. This is a Mexican drama. Doing a drum solo is C.J. gore. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We might have a new third string drummer by the end of the night, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

There it is. Literally one of the most low effort drum solos I've ever heard in the history of the show. Yeah.

[D]

Did you tour for something else and then just play the drums in your free time or.

[A]

Yeah, Charles, we've never seen you do a drum solo. Michael Gonzalez is out on tour right now. Charles is one of the elite drummers here in the live music capital of the world. Charles Reed is at least a million people watching this. So have fun. Show off. Cj, stand next to this chair right here. As to not believe, block the view because you've already done enough to bomb your ass off this episode. Ladies and gentlemen, here to show off, make some noise for Charles Reed, everybody.

[H]

I told you he was gonna be better than me.

[A]

Wow, you're amazing. You're psychic. You suck. Piece of Luis J. Gomez.

[C]

That's. That's the sound you hear when Pierre, your wife.

[A]

Goodbye, goodbye, thick white person.

[D]

That's also the sound of Drew's heart.

[A]

C.J. gore, congratulations. Two weeks in, you already bombed on Kill Tony. There he goes. C.J. gore, everybody.

[H]

I'll come back when I don't stop.

[A]

There you go. Shut up. Cj, Put the mic away. There you go. Goodbye.

[B]

I love.

[A]

We didn't even get to the results on that one. We were like, yeah. How many of you have CJ winning that drum off? There you go. How many of you have Charles Reed winning? There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Jack Shaw. Jack Shaw. Wow.

[J]

Nice to meet all you. Wow, this is great. Hi, everybody, I'm Jack. I'm 25 years old. I'm really getting nervous. Puberty's not gonna hit. I do not know what to do at this point. It's very frustrating. The manliest celebrity I've ever been compared to is Rachel Maddow. That's been really tough on my psyche. Some guy came up to me recently, this fratty looking dude. He came up to me, he said, hey, man, you also look like Harry Potter on the spectrum. That was tough for me. I was bullied. That's a shocker. I was bullied in middle school. I was bullied. I was bullied in a performing arts school. You guys know how lame you have to be to be bullied in a performing art school. My bully wore a fucking fedora. That was tough. I hate my doctor. He loves my penis. It sucks. He always likes to touch it, but it's a problem because it's always an eye examination. Thank you so much, everybody. I'm Jack Shaw.

[A]

Jack, absolutely adorable. A throwback comedian to a different time. I like your style. Absolutely incredible. Like a young Woody Allen. Oh, welcome, welcome, Jack. I love it. How old are you?

[J]

25.

[A]

25 year old pedophile. Absolutely. Incredible.

[F]

Incredible.

[J]

You gotta start young, Tony.

[A]

Got to start young. Absolutely. I like you, Jack. How long you been doing stand up?

[J]

About three years.

[A]

Very, very good. Where at?

[J]

Los Angeles, Louisiana.

[A]

You started in LA during the pandemic?

[J]

Yep. Right? Yep.

[A]

Did you move to LA for that?

[J]

No, I was born in la. It was terrible.

[A]

I can tell.

[J]

Sherman Oaks, North Hollywood.

[A]

There I'm very close. Tell the people said they know. How long of a drive is it from Sherman Oaks to North Hollywood if there's no traffic?

[J]

It's. If. If there's no traffic is about five minutes.

[A]

There you go. That's it. The per Luis J. Gomez.

[C]

Now, are these side effects from the vaccine or

[A]

trying to figure it out?

[J]

It's the.

[A]

Yep. What were you like before the vaccine?

[J]

Totally normal, dude. I don't know what happened.

[A]

Jack, what do you do for a living?

[J]

I teach traffic safety to kids.

[A]

Oh my God. Nickelodeon. Oh my God, this is incredible. I'm so bad at my job. Tell us more about you being bad at that job.

[J]

There's a couple of dead kids. I told him to stop walking and they kept walking.

[A]

Oh my God, you're so funny, Jack. This is incredible.

[L]

Thank you.

[K]

To.

[D]

Does your father know you took his clothes?

[J]

Oh, no, my dad's dead. Okay, that's.

[A]

Is your dad really dead?

[J]

Nope. I'm sorry I said that.

[A]

It's okay. It's okay.

[J]

There's moments and you try to take those moments and sometimes doesn't work.

[A]

No, it was good, Jack. It was very good. So you're. Are you. Are you. Are you a. What is your ethnicity? Are you half Jewish?

[J]

Oh, full Jewish.

[A]

Full Jew. Full Jewish. This is absolutely incredible. You make up for all the other Jews that weren't on the show tonight. The only person not excited that you're here is Allah Ahmed over here.

[J]

I saw your ass outside. You're terrified. He said, listen to me. Why are you doing that? That's not right.

[A]

Jack, you are indeed an absolute super Jew. What do you think is the most Jewish thing about you?

[J]

Oh, probably my penis. It was circumcised. Well, I guess that's a lot of people.

[A]

Yeah. Surprisingly, everybody's onto that one. The only difference difference is is we don't have a weird rabbi suck our at the beginning of it.

[J]

That's true, my rabbi did, but that's. That's.

[A]

And that was last week.

[J]

Yes. Thank you. Thank you, Tony.

[A]

I did a Jack Shaw.

[J]

Joe, I appreciate It.

[A]

Thank you for being so nice, Sal.

[D]

Jack, I have a question.

[J]

Okay.

[D]

What the fuck is going on here?

[J]

I don't know.

[D]

And I. I mean that from the heart, man. We're all confused in a good way. But I just need to know, is this, like, real?

[J]

I totally understand. No. Autism runs in my family, dude. It's running hard in my family, man.

[B]

It's.

[C]

It's sprinting in your family.

[J]

We're winning the race. Okay.

[A]

Oh, my God, Jack, you are incredible, dude. This is wild. So tell us more about LA right now. You're born and raised there and you stay there. What brought you to Austin?

[J]

This show, Robbie to Austin, Dude. I've been watching this show a lot and I want to come down here and try.

[A]

And you're like, I could fucking. I could go out there and flex on these motherfuckers.

[J]

I didn't think about it like that. I don't have that type of confidence like that. But. It's not that kind of confidence. I just got lucky. I got picked. I'm so happy to be here.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Absolutely. No, it's magical. The bucket has a mind of its own. A lot of people coming here from a lot of different places all the time. Some two weeks in, some three years in, you know, all different shapes and sizes. Jews are so funny. It is a real thing that truly exists. You know, you got your Larry Davids out there. You got your Seinfeld, who's famous because of Larry David. Yep. Oh, yeah. I'm going for everybody. I'm going for everybody tonight. We're taking them all out. Goodbye, Jerry. Goodbye, Pete.

[J]

I hope Larry David sees this shit.

[A]

Come on. Yeah, no, he's going to. He's going to. Larry's the man. So tell us what. What did you think is the least Jewish thing about you?

[J]

Oh, I don't have a lot of money, dude.

[G]

I have no money.

[J]

I got no money. They're taking all of it. I don't. They didn't give me any of it. I don't know where

[D]

you look constantly surprised.

[J]

I am.

[D]

You're as funny when you're not speaking.

[C]

By the way, Tony, right now, he's in first place for the skank fest.

[A]

Yeah,

[C]

but you're great, dude.

[A]

I'm not saying it's not my saying,

[C]

it's you, but you're so funny and interesting and unique. Are you available September 27th through 29th?

[J]

Yep.

[C]

In Las Vegas, Nevada.

[I]

Absolutely.

[C]

Just making sure, dude. I'm not saying dude, but you're.

[A]

You're.

[C]

You're awesome dude.

[A]

You'll listen.

[C]

You. You will get raped by dirty women at Skank Fest.

[J]

Oh, I can't wait. Oh my God.

[A]

Are you in town Thursday? What? Are you in town Thursday?

[J]

No, but I could be. I could make a happen.

[A]

If you're in town Thursday, you want to do the secret show you can absolutely do.

[D]

And do you have a dvd player?

[A]

Cuz if you do, you're getting every season of Impractical Jokers on dvd. Let me answer your question. Right now it's a resale value of $29.99 per set. With every season that adds up to hundreds of dollars that you don't have. That you definitely want.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

You want that money, don't you? Oh, I want that money. You love it, don't you? You love it, don't you?

[J]

I love that money, Tony.

[A]

What do you want to do with that money?

[J]

I want to rub it on my clearance, Tony. Oh, man.

[A]

Jack, I'm gonna do it. You just won a golden ticket here on Kilton. Yeah. Congratulations. Much deserved. So funny on an episode with back to back to back to back to back chaos. You stand out in a pile, my friend. You stand out in a pile. This is a big joke book. Resale value $7.99.

[J]

I'll sell it for eight. A full eight. Oh my God.

[A]

You did did everything you possibly could have done here tonight. There's also the show here at the Mothership called Bottom of the Barrel where you can perform an improvised set off of topics out of a barrel. You're booked on that tomorrow night here at the Mothership. And if it's still going on and I'm going to make sure this happens, I want the booker of the club to see your full set ra right now in the little boys. So go hustle on. And Adam me get's going to watch you perform. There goes Shaq Shaw, everybody. Make sure he gets seen right now. There you go. Let's see what happens. Who knows? Making dreams come true. Take note, what you just saw is people coming from Los Angeles to make it in the comedy world here in Austin, Texas. All right, let's go back to the bucket where clearly anything can happen. Make some noise for Mr. Mars Martian. Okay, Mr. Mars Martian. All right, here we go.

[O]

I've been chewing a lot of nicotine gum. I'm trying to wean off of the N word. Believe it or not. Clearly you choose nicotine. Cause nigga rets a gum for bigots. I'm trying to say nigga less you know what I'm saying being mitochondrially half black has been pretty mid for the most part. I get half the benefits of this

[A]

motherfucker, you know what I'm saying?

[O]

I don't know. Honestly, I forget that I'm half white. Only time I'm ever treated like I'm white is by the blacks occasionally. But as an honorary half white, that's how you know some psyop shit is about to be said when you're preemptively qualifying your statement. But as honorary half white, I feel like the whites are letting their own version of the N word slip through their fingers. You know what I'm saying? Maga. What is this Maga crazy or some shit? I fucking wish a Maga would shit. Don't have to. Arnold Schwarzeneg Maga in this motherfucker. I don't know what these bitches want from a Maga. My last girlfriend tried to say I was too Republican. I was like, maga, please.

[A]

All right. Maga, please.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, Mr. Mars Martian. Luis J. Gomez.

[C]

Thank you, Lenny Crabshit.

[A]

Mr. Mars Martian. Absolutely horrendously terrible. How long you been doing Stand up, Mr. Marshall Mars Martian?

[O]

14 months.

[A]

14 months. How's it been going for you? Good.

[O]

Absolutely wonderful. Typically I murder.

[A]

What are we talking about? Small animals or something like that? Like make with the hahas? Yeah, yeah. Okay. What do you do for work?

[O]

Unemployed, currently.

[A]

Okay. All right. What did you used to do?

[O]

Software engineer. Fortune 100.

[A]

Fortune 100? How'd you lose that job?

[O]

Laid off.

[A]

AI mess. What?

[O]

Laid off? I got laid off at my Fortune 100 job.

[A]

Why do you think you got laid off?

[O]

Because of my Maga joke or something?

[A]

I don't know. You don't know?

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Anything interesting about your life at all, whatsoever? Oh, God. You just got buried by a squirrely Jew. Do you know that? You got absolutely, absolutely buried in a world of hurt. I mean, you are just living in a land of silence right now. You are an unlikable force following Jack Shaw.

[C]

It makes no sense. Like in no world should he be better than you.

[A]

Right? Yeah.

[C]

You have failed so completely.

[A]

Only in comedy can a Jew just lay you out. Just leaving you out. Absolutely in zero chance. There's not enough look arounds or wiggly smiles or likable cool ass things you could do. There's no n words you could say that can save you right now. Sal Volcano.

[D]

And you do. So it's like you guys Freaky Friday.

[A]

That's why his clothes are so big. Oh, Mr. Mars Martian. Maybe it was a Timing thing, maybe, Maybe. I don't know. Anything interesting about your entire life that might save you through this interview portion of the show.

[O]

Chilling. I don't know. Having fun doing comedy.

[E]

That's.

[O]

That's what I'm doing.

[A]

Okay, this does not look fun. Most interesting thing that's ever happened to you in your entire life. How old are you?

[O]

723 years old.

[A]

Okay, there he goes. Mr. Mars Martian, everybody. You got a little joke book? Oh, that's him. I thought it was you. He beat us to it. I love it. How about a hand for Heidi? Everybody up here. I pulled until I got a female comedian up. We haven't seen a female tonight. Sound good? Make some noise for Jocelyn Porter, everybody.

[M]

Been having a rough week. My boyfriend left me for an underage girl. Yeah, yeah. I'm so confused. I'm like, what does she have that I don't? I also haven't graduated high school. Oh, well, she's getting the big fancy high school diploma next month. She's hot shit. All right, all right. I'm coming from Arizona. We just banned abortion. And you know, as a woman, I'm pissed. I'm outraged, you know, because how else am I supposed to scam men out of their money for fake abortions? Transducer. I'm stressed, okay? Yes. I'm a white woman named Yaseleen. My brother is a white guy named Trey, which can only mean my mom really wanted little landscapers, you know, And I'm as white as they come, folks. Okay? I am one clothing choice away from looking like I am really into crystals or really into crystal meth. Okay? I know how I look. I know how I look, guys. That's my time, everybody. Thank you so much.

[A]

Jocelyn Porter. Welcome, Jocelyn. Hello. How long you been doing stand up?

[M]

Just a little over a year now.

[A]

A little over a year. Where do you do this?

[M]

This standup at Phoenix, Arizona.

[A]

In Phoenix, Arizona, the starting position of Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson.

[B]

Oh, hello.

[M]

Hello, Jet Ski, my hometown. The clubs never with me when I

[B]

was coming up in Arizona, but now they call me a hometown hero.

[A]

Ah, amazing. Incredible what the power of selling tickets can do. Welcome, Jocelyn Porter. Do you still live in Phoenix?

[M]

Yes, currently.

[A]

And what do you do for work there full time?

[M]

I do medical marijuana and then part time bartend.

[C]

So, sir, she's getting people up left

[M]

and right, straight up ruining lies, marriages, everything. Yeah, absolutely.

[A]

Mr. Mars Martian might need some of everything that you have after his set that he had here tonight. And Jack Shaw probably can't handle anything in Any of your businesses. Okay, Jocelyn, so let's talk about it. Your boyfriend didn't really leave you, right?

[M]

That is a joke. That is a joke. We actually. He loves that joke. We broke up. Up. And I'm just salty about that. He's gonna be a pedophile and all my jokes till I feel better. But we talked about that joke. It's. It's one of his faves.

[A]

How long were you with him for?

[M]

It was like nine months.

[A]

Nine months. And what made you guys break up? We're baby.

[M]

Like a month ago.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

Wait, no, it was.

[A]

Yeah.

[M]

Dude, it's killing my dating game right now. No, it's. It was a wrong person, right time situation.

[A]

Tacky as it sounds, but wrong person, right time.

[M]

A right person, wrong time. Maybe I'm the wrong person, right time for him, but. Yeah. No, it was the right person, wrong time.

[I]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. All right. Why? Why was it the wrong time?

[M]

So, like, we're perfect for each other. We work out. Communication's totally there. My most. Honestly, my most healthy relationship. Yeah, I'm gonna kill myself. Hold up. But it was more so that he's just at a point where he's got way too much. He owns businesses. He's got all that shit. Yeah. This man owns businesses.

[A]

I'm broke.

[M]

I'm a broke white woman. I needed it. No, he's just too busy with life right now. And that really killed my relationship, so. Yeah.

[C]

So he's too good for you.

[I]

Yeah.

[M]

He's gonna see this and he's gonna be like, oh, yeah.

[J]

Yeah.

[D]

What a wonderful lover who puts all of his businesses before you. Every single business he has has come before you.

[M]

Can't be wax poetic about it, you know? But it's too good for you.

[A]

Wow. Absolute, absolute chaos here tonight. Jocelyn, what's the most interesting thing about your entire life?

[M]

I was born partially deaf, and I also have, like, auditory processing disorder.

[A]

Oh.

[M]

Which, like, I don't know if anyone knows what that is.

[J]

So I don't know.

[M]

I don't know. So, like. Oh, shit.

[A]

Tell us more about your disorder.

[M]

So I was a baby, and I was born partially deaf and blind. God. Sick joke. And then also I have auditory processing disorder, which means I hear words the way dyslexic people read. I don't know. That's what it means. That's what it means.

[A]

So when your boyfriend said bye bye, were you like, like, hello? Yeah.

[C]

You're really dug at comedy.

[M]

Oh,

[A]

good, Louis. Have a blunt. Lewis. Good job. Another good joke. Jocelyn Porter. So you have to go back to Phoenix. Oh, shit. Look at that. There. There you go. So when you go back to Phoenix?

[M]

I. I'm gonna be leaving tomorrow morning.

[A]

Okay. There you go. It's a long trot. It's a long tr. If you're hearing horses, that's just your disability. Here's a little joke book. Congratulations.

[M]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Appreciate it. Jocelyn Porter. This person's not here. Correct. Okay, so that means that it is time, ladies and gentlemen, to put a ribbon on this show. What do you mean? No, you guys don't like the last comedian that goes up on the show? You guys want one more comedian? Ladies and gentlemen, if you want one more comedian before your final comedian, then there's only one person that I find fitting for this job. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Drew Nickens.

[B]

So I did used to be a battle rapper, but I was walking down 6th street about 10 years ago, and I was chilling. I was like, yo. And this guy goes, I know you. And I'm so excited. I'm like, hard work pays off. This is me, Lance Corona. Yeah. And then you know what he does? He comes and he goes, hell nah. And he pulls up Reddit, and I'm on Reddit's most hittable faces like, dog. Do you guys know how many. How hard it is as a content creator to get 80 likes? That shit was terrible. And it was with my dad, so it's a hate crime. Oh, man. Who here likes science? Anybody? No, no, no. Who here likes science? Oh, hell yeah. I have a qualm with science, though. Magic Johnson has been alive for 30 years, and I can't get a corn tortilla for big enough for a crunch wrap. So angry. I just want a breakfast crunch wrap with a corn tortilla. All right, that's been my time. Thank y' all so much.

[A]

You have a problem with sides, huh? Sides?

[B]

Science.

[A]

Science.

[K]

Got it.

[A]

Got it. When you face that way, my. I have an auditory disability that I don't talk about very often.

[C]

Often.

[A]

So let's talk about this battle rap a little bit. Did we have you rap last time you were on?

[B]

I, I did two bars.

[A]

Can we. You got anything in the chamber?

[B]

No.

[A]

Oh, okay. All right. I, I, I get it. You're the only person that I randomly pull up all the time ever since. This is only your second night ever on the show. But I feel like it is a has to be a new tradition in some form that if you're here, you do more than one appearance. How do you feel about that, Drew?

[B]

I I feel like the minute could have been a little bit better, but I'm so happy. Thank you for having me on again. This has been great. You guys have been great.

[A]

It's gonna happen. Everything's improvised. It's all spontaneous. You just happen to be back there. I checked. You were there. We pulled a little Drew Nickens on these people.

[B]

Fun fact, though. Michael White used. Michael White, the Battle rapper used to stay on my couch when I lived in San Antonio.

[A]

The spaghetti guy?

[B]

Yes. Spaghetti man.

[A]

Oh, my God. Another legend of. He used to live on your couch?

[B]

No, no, he used to come whenever he had a battle there. He would just come and stay over and. Michael White special.

[A]

Tell us about you two hanging out. I mean, I can't even imagine the levels of energy drinks.

[B]

No, that man. That man is just stone cold psychotic.

[A]

Yeah, tell us.

[B]

Stone cold psychotic. He, like, before a battle, he'd be like, hey, man, I gotta do some push ups. And he'd go do knuckle push ups and just get ready. And then he put on his big tall 5xt. He was weird. I didn't even wanna hang out with him. I just gave him a place to stay.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then when he was in line the last time he called me, it was so I could give him $5 so he could get a Wendy's Pretzel burger.

[A]

Well,

[B]

in his defense, three minute conversation for a Wendy's Pretzel burger.

[A]

Did you give him the five bucks?

[B]

I was broke, too.

[A]

What a conundrum. I can't imagine you and Michael White going back and forth about five bucks for a Wendy's pretzel burger. But with that said pretzel rolls, there's something about it to where when you get your mind set on it, I don't know. There's something about it. Well, I mean, I. What's funny is I happen to know for a fact both of you have been on the Impractical Jokers cruise. And on those cruise ships, there's one of those buffets and they have those little pretzel rolls. I don't know if you know about this, but I get addicted to those things when I'm there. I eat like a pig. It's disgusting. There's something about little pretzel. Tiny little pretzel balls that I just can't get enough of.

[C]

Tony loves any tiny little balls.

[A]

That's true. That's true. The man's name was Pretzel. Louis Pretzel. And I would put his balls in my mouth because I'm a Gay faggot. Drew, we love you. There goes Drew Nickens, everybody. That's the comedian you wanted. That's the comedian you'll get. God damn it. And now, and only now, do I present to you the hall of Famer that holds the record for all time appearances, all time interviews, all time goddamn everything. This man is a force of nature. When we were in Los Angeles, the head of Netflix, the owner of Netflix, is quoted as saying, I love that man. God himself, the man who birthed Jesus Christ Almighty, says that he is afraid of this guy. Quote, I'm afraid of that guy. The Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This. This is, without a doubt, lights out William Montgomery.

[L]

First off, Tony, did that guy really say all that stuff about me? They're coming out with a black Schindler's List. It's gonna be called Schindler List,

[K]

okay?

[L]

Black people mispronounce things. That's what I was going for with that one. Okay, let's keep her moving. Sixteen young women have accused magician David Copperfield of sexual assault, which is pretty messed up because he was supposed to make the women disappear, not their virginity. Okay. Apparently the Washington football team is considering another name change to honor true. American patriots are gonna be called the January Sixers. Okay, just so we're clear, I reject the term alternative medicine and prefer to call it post grunge. Okay, got a couple people. All right, that's my time toting.

[A]

William did it again. 56 seconds of thunder and lightning from the man that God himself says. I forget what I said.

[L]

Oh, so it wasn't true. I was so excited. I was like, oh, the main guy. Netflix loves me. Oh, my gosh. And then I was thinking, this is your way of firing me, Having the two new guys? I mean, am I fired now?

[A]

Nope, nope. That's just for the opening position. There is is only one way that

[L]

I'm really fired now after five and a half years. Five and a half years and you're firing me tonight? It's so hot outside. You pick tonight, Tony. Seriously. I mean, of all nights, you're picking tonight to give me the ax? It's been such a huge part of my life for like five and a half years now. Now. And now you're literally on this hot night going to.

[A]

What is that?

[L]

Is that weed? Can I hit that once?

[A]

Hit it a couple times, William. Whoa.

[L]

That was a bad idea, Tony. I've never spoke to. But maybe on the night that you're firing me, maybe I need to just get real Fucking high tonight. Maybe that's the only way I'm gonna be able to deal with it, Tony.

[A]

And you know I love Saul volcano. You picked a night. We're Saul volcanoes. Get a fucking bag. Saul, I love you. He really does love you. Tell him about what you love about Sal.

[B]

I love your feet. I love.

[L]

I love your feet. I love your hands. Whoever's running your only fans is doing a wonderful job. Your backside shots. I love the backside shots where it's just your butt and. But yeah, no. Saul, it's really nice to see you, but again, I don't know if he's literally firing me.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Okay. Okay. Aboard.

[D]

You guys didn't see this on close up, but Lewis just passed the stone.

[A]

Absolutely.

[L]

What did you say?

[B]

Sal?

[A]

There's been a lot that's happened this episode. William, have you been watching.

[L]

I've been making tea all night.

[A]

Don't. Don't change it. Go back to making tea all night. Push that back forward. I've been making.

[L]

Making tea all night.

[A]

Forward. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I like it. Like that.

[I]

Just like does. Yeah.

[L]

No, Tony. I've been making a bunch of tea with honey tonight. Tony. I was actually in Appleton, Wisconsin this past weekend and there was a severely autistic man who I guess was a big fan. And I kind of don't understand that to begin with, but he was severely autistic. And Tony, it was a nightmare. He wouldn't shut up.

[A]

I'm pretty sure he won a golden ticket tonight.

[L]

No, it wasn't him. It was some fucking idiot. He really. Jamone. That was his name. Jamone.

[A]

Jamone.

[I]

Yeah.

[L]

And he spilled a bunch of popcorn on the.

[C]

He was named after the sound that Michael Jackson makes.

[A]

Yeah. Jamon. Hey, isn't that a character I used to do on a car ride on. Jesus Christ Almighty. Whoa, McGumballs. So. You look fantastic. The set was fantastic. Everybody loves you. How's life going? Tell us more, William.

[L]

Life is good. I mean, I've just been real.

[I]

Huh.

[H]

Huh?

[L]

Sir, do you think you can answer

[A]

that better than me or.

[L]

What were you saying?

[A]

Sir? Guy with the blue shirt. You're the one that was talking. What was that? What exactly were you saying? Yeah, no, I'm actually getting side on this one.

[J]

Go ahead.

[A]

Yeah.

[L]

Why would you do that when Tony's firing me tonight? And you're gonna do that seriously?

[A]

Okay. Okay. So where were we, William? Oh, and you're not. You're not being fired, by the way. Oh, okay.

[L]

Yeah, I didn't know. I mean, you're adding all the people.

[A]

You and I have a very special agreement that your tenure will only end when you say that you want it to end and when you want it to stop. Do you want it to stop? Are you going to stop?

[L]

No. I mean, I don't. Not. No, Tony. Not now. Not now, not never, Tony. Not even with you bringing in that guy with a brain injury who I do love. You're wonderful. But no, after that, I kind of wanted to. I'm like, he's replacing me. I've given my heart, my soul to this show, and you're just gonna throw me to the curb for this fucking guy who is beautiful and I love him and he's wonderful, but I was worried about that, Tony, so it's good to hear that you're not going to.

[A]

I don't know if you hear the crowd, but even the polite, software Middle Eastern guy that would definitely never blow anybody up is wondering if you're going to stop.

[L]

Where is he?

[A]

He's right here. Oh, right here. I don't think I'm ever gonna stop it.

[L]

Yeah, you better clap. But, yeah, it's good. I need to get back on my all brand buds. I'm not on my. I know people don't want to hear about my. That's what my dad tells me at least. But I'm not on my all brand buds and I'm really having issues right now. I haven't doodoo. I was doodling four times a day. Now I'm doodling once every four days. And I don't know if it's something to do with the Snickers bars I've been eating the little miniature ones. I'll eat an entire.

[A]

What did you just called them?

[L]

The little miniature.

[A]

No, no, no. What was the brand?

[L]

Little miniature.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no. The company. The company that has the miniature bars. The. You said it very strangely. What was it exactly?

[L]

What did I say?

[A]

It started with the letters Snickers. Wait a second.

[L]

Snickers.

[A]

Do you know that there's. That those aren't two GS in there, that it's a C and a K. Say it again.

[L]

Snickers.

[A]

Oh, my God. Okay, red band.

[L]

This isn't the time for you to it up. That was a little funny.

[C]

And then.

[L]

That's really not funny when you do that. I mean, nobody's laughing now, dumbass.

[A]

We're gonna bleep that. We're just gonna bleep the S part in the beginning.

[L]

You're gonna maybe look like a Racist. You're firing me? I mean, this is a night I'm gonna jump off of.

[A]

I'm constipated because of all the beep bears. Oh, God damn. Lewis got me high with my own weed on tonight's episode.

[L]

Yeah, that was the first time. And I feel real high right now. But Lewis, I love feeling high. And I swear I'm probably never going to keep down. And I'm ready.

[A]

Did you guys have fun tonight? Make some notes for William Montgomery. Catch him on cameo. Catch him on tour. Catch him everywhere. Say it. Yeah. Announce it. It's Jack Shaw.

[C]

So, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna see Jack Shaw at Skankfest this year.

[A]

You got to watch a dream come true. That sweet little innocent, autistic Jewish boy is gonna be with all the dirtball savages of the world. World. Yeah. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in of Sal Volcano and Luis J. Gomez. Sal's special is out now. It is called terabyte. It's on YouTube. Go to 800 pound gorilla. That's the number. 800 pound gorilla. Watch a special. Leave a nice comment. Leave a like. Share it with your friends. Catch them on tour at Cell Volcano. Comedy dot com. One more time for sale. Louis J. Gomez. Skank Fest, I do believe is completely sold out. But if you guys get lucky, maybe something could happen. Who knows? He's on tour. Lewisofskangs.com that's L U I S UX skanks.com make some noise for Jet Ski. Jesse Johnson, everybody, gracing us with a great presence. We love Jet Ski. Thank you to Game Time, Squarespace and fuck. Let's see the art from Chris Rogers tonight, everybody. Oh, shit, It's Camp Peterson. Game Time, Squarespace and Liquid Death. Great picture of Cam Patterson. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Red Band.

[B]

I'll be in San Diego. San Diego with Casey Rocket. Only two tickets left. Go right.

[A]

Only two tickets left, ladies and gentlemen. We also have only two tickets left at night, one at Madison Square Garden. So scoop those up real quick. And I do believe that's it. A lot of very fun announcements and exciting things coming up. So we love you guys. This is a show about giving people opportunity and we love you guys. Thank you. Good night.

[M]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin,

[A]

Texas is now open.

[M]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[A]

Sam.