#670 - SHANE GILLIS + JAMES MCCANN

Summary

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Kill Tony #670 Recap: Shane Gillis + James McCann

Date: July 2, 2024
Guests: Shane Gillis, James McCann
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Hosts: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This high-energy episode of Kill Tony features a vibrant pairing of guests: the returning heavyweight Shane Gillis (Netflix’s "Tires") and first-time table guest James McCann, all the way from Australia. The night spotlights the classic Kill Tony format—fresh and veteran comics getting one minute to impress on stage—peppered with trademark chaos, crowd work, and deep-diving interviews. The irreverent tone is ever-present, with both poignant and wild detours about career, ethnicity, sexuality, trans experience, and the unfiltered realities of life as a working comic. Standout moments include in-depth segments with new regulars, a wild audience-volunteered segment, and classic banter about everything from jazzercise to mobile pizza ovens.

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Key Highlights & Discussion Points

1. Introduction of Guests (03:49–05:14)

• Shane Gillis returns triumphantly, fresh off his Netflix/hit special and LA’s Staples Center:

  “Things are going good. I'm still, you know, depressed.“ — Shane Gillis (05:34)

• James McCann is introduced as “Australia’s own,” with Tony roasting his podcast name:

  “It is the worst name in podcast history.” — Tony Hinchcliffe (05:03)

2. Drew Nickens: New Regular’s 1st Time (06:37–12:18)

• Drew Nickens opens the show, earning raves for his unique, edgy storytelling about awkward dates and misunderstood intentions.

  “I haven't been on a date in two years. The last time I went on a date was to the movie Sing 2...They think that's my special needs chaperone.” — Drew Nickens (07:18)

• Shane relates to his bit, and James commends Drew’s joy and energy, contrasting it to common brain injury narratives.
• Drew describes recent life changes:

  “Everything has been so amazing. Everybody has been so gracious and kind.” — Drew Nickens (09:32)

3. Bucket Comics & Notable Interviews

a. Lucas Kopp: Blue-collar Humor (13:17–19:27)

• Opened with a riff on being "the only comic not suicidal" and sardonically explored family dysfunctions and Portland oddness.
• Banter dives into Portland’s unique energy and low Black population, with Shane and James reflecting on their tour experience.

  “Portland, you guys have more murals of black people than black people.” — Shane Gillis (18:56)

b. Jeffrey Lee: Jesus & Van Life (22:23–32:10)

• Self-deprecating material linked to his appearance and living in a van.
• Tony, Shane, and James riff on his “burned” leg and medical care, pulling a physician's assistant from the audience—leading to a hilarious mock-diagnosis for “cellulitis.”

  “Heal your own leg.” — James McCann (28:55)

• Jeffrey attempts a spontaneous rap:

  “Let me get it corrected. What's the inflection? I think my leg has a deadly infection. Help me now.” — Jeffrey Lee (32:33)

c. Jake Coulter: Nervousness & Race (33:45–46:51)

• Jokes about “chicken legs” as a tool to attract Black women—a hyper-nervous but impactful set.
• Tony interrogates Jake on his history dating Black women, which leads to an extended and awkward segment prodding Jake to do a Black-woman impression in the bedroom.

  “I just do what I’m told.” — Jake Coulter, on sex advice from Black women (41:29)

• Eventually, Jake dodges the impression but wins the room with candor and physical comedy.

d. Abe “Floyd” Flores: Cultural Identity & Musical Comedy (47:31–55:46)

• Represents Mexican-American tension with wordplay on "girth" and Spanish.
• Abe sings a “reggaeton” parody—“Blast that banana”—which uncomfortably references apes and is promptly probed by the panel for subtext:

  “That’s the best possible answer to that question. I appreciate it.” — James McCann (55:40)

4. Rotating Regulars & Ongoing Segments

Cam Patterson: Tour Life & Bombing Stories (56:43–61:52)

• Delivers a Spokane, Washington bit, pivots to stories about success with women even after bombing.
• Tony and Shane prod him on race, abortion material, and website illiteracy:

  “You caught a body.” — Shane Gillis, on Cam discussing his abortion joke (60:26)

Ari Matti (Estonia): Relationships, Accents, and Asian-American Tits (85:16–97:04)

• Hilarious set about eavesdropping on gay couples’ arguments; riffs about pursuit of “fat tits,” particularly among Asian-Americans.
• Improv crowd interaction: Ari is brought face-to-face with a large-chested Asian woman with a mobile pizza oven:

  “Dude, I don’t even have yellow fever, I have a yellow migraine.” — Ari Matti (90:44) “Those things are so massive…someone has not laid off the Lean Cuisine pizzas.” — Tony Hinchcliffe (94:06)

Chen: Transgender Asian Comic, Coming Out & Transition (97:54–117:26)

• One of the episode’s longest, most fascinating interviews: Chen discusses the realities and sexuality of transitioning, including unique experiences on Grindr.

  “Believe it or not, despite being trans, I think hetero relationships are the best.” — Chen (107:48)

• Candid, heartfelt, and comedically mined exploration of gender, horniness, surgical options, and parental reactions.

5. Final Bucket Pulls

Trey On Stage: Veteran, Firefighter, Guitarist (72:13–84:38)

• New to Austin, jokes about dating and firefighting. Reveals musical skills; jams live on guitar.

Quentin Jones: Relationship Humor, Detroit to Austin (118:16–126:38)

• Digs into “condom economy” in the dating world, then discusses cheerleading at Michigan and working as a software engineer.

  “I want to do this…this is my dream.” — Quentin Jones (121:16)

6. Closer: William Montgomery—Kill Tony Hall-of-Famer (127:28–136:12)

• Legendary regular William delivers absurdist, topical one-liners; shares about Phoenix, nipple piercings, and ongoing dermatologist visits.

  “I feel saucy tonight. I feel…” — William Montgomery (132:45)

• Ends with a rare (physician’s assistant) onstage skin check.

7. Iconic Banter, Quotes & Moments

• Multiple running jokes about odd sexual experiences, race, mobile pizza ovens, and career anxieties.
• Several uncomfortable, riotous “Black woman impression” prompts.
• Celebrating “chicken legs,” “neck of a dick,” “cellulitis,” and absurd boundary-pushing.
• Shane and James’ chemistry as guests—balancing sincere support with off-the-cuff savagery:

  “Portland, you guys have more murals of black people than black people.” — Shane Gillis (18:56) “Heal your own leg.” — James McCann (28:55) “You got the old model, which is fine.” — Shane Gillis, to Redban (91:46)

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Notable Segment Timestamps

• Guests Introduction: 03:49
• Drew Nickens Set + Interview: 06:37–12:18
• Lucas Kopp: 13:17–19:27
• Jeffrey Lee (Jesus/Van): 22:23–32:10
• Jake Coulter (Chicken legs, race): 33:45–46:51
• Abe Flores (Mexican family, reggaeton): 47:31–55:46
• Cam Patterson: 56:43–61:52
• Ari Matti (Estonia): 85:16–97:04
• Chen (Transgender comic): 97:54–117:26
• Quentin Jones: 118:16–126:38
• William Montgomery: 127:28–136:12

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Podcast Tone & Style

The episode weaves between the raw, the raucous, and the revealing—always maintaining the comic’s diehard commitment to irreverence and “pushing the limits.” Tony directs the chaos, with the panel eagerly enabling boundary-smashing sets—while humanizing the comics’ stories through playful (and at times, surprisingly thoughtful) interviews. Expect classic Kill Tony language: brash, uncensored, and mercilessly funny.

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Memorable Quotes

• “Things are going good. I'm still, you know, depressed.”
  — Shane Gillis (05:34)
• “Heal your own leg.”
  — James McCann (28:55)
• “You got the old model, which is fine.”
  — Shane Gillis, to Redban about his Asian wife (91:46)
• “Dude, I don’t even have yellow fever, I have a yellow migraine.”
  — Ari Matti (90:44)
• “I think my leg has a deadly infection. Help me now.”
  — Jeffrey Lee (32:39, rapping)

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Closing Notes

A quintessentially wild and wide-ranging Kill Tony episode—showcasing the show’s unique blend of savage comedy, unpredictability, and the compelling vulnerability of stand-up hopefuls. With Shane’s and James’s sharp guest commentary and a parade of unforgettable participant stories (from Black dating theory to trans realities to medical emergencies), this episode is classic must-watch Kill Tony.

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Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found@Deathsquad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliff.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliff.Com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[B]

Hey, this is Redman coming to you

[C]

live from the comedy mothership here in

[B]

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[C]

Give it up for Tony Edge.

[B]

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. We made it. Welcome everybody. Make some noise for Red Band.

[D]

Hey.

[B]

And the best damn band in the land. They are here. Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Matt Muhling, John Dees and D Madness. We are back. The full fucking band. Holy shit. Esteban Vallejo. It's so hard to remember these fucking Mexicans names. I work with them every week. It's imposs.

[E]

I swear to God.

[B]

You try it. Try it without looking. Remember all four of their fucking names. It's impossible. It's too much.

[E]

It's too much. We need something to break the fucking.

[B]

I don't know, it's just too goddamn much. Welcome to Kill Tony everybody.

[E]

You're here at the number one live

[B]

podcast in the world. Brought to you by Shopify everybody.

[E]

You go to shopify.com kill Tony get

[B]

a dollar, $1 for a month long

[E]

trial period from Shopify. There you go. There you go. Kaching.

[B]

We have a great show planned for you. Before we get started, here's a little

[E]

bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it.

[B]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what, huh?

[E]

You know, every single week I book this show. I pick who sits in these seats and sometimes it's an up and coming headlining comedian who we like to introduce to you. And sometimes it's some of the biggest comedians on fucking planet earth. Tonight, my friends is both. I am happy to present to you, ladies and gentlemen, for the entirety of its Show Tonight, your two guests are

[B]

James McCann and Shane Gillett.

[C]

Woohoo.

[B]

Damn right.

[F]

Wow.

[B]

You're goddamn right. James McCann. Welcome to the show.

[G]

Thank you for having me. What a joy to be here at the Kill.

[B]

He sounds like that hot dog. He sounds like that. That's his Real voice. He's from Australia.

[E]

Shane found him in Australia and saved his life.

[C]

That's true.

[G]

It's not a joke. That's true.

[B]

He is the host of the James McCann. James. He's. It's the James Donald Ford Forbes McCann catamaran plan. It is the worst name in podcast history.

[G]

We're keeping it small. We don't want too big an audience, you know,

[E]

I love it. James, welcome.

[B]

Shane Gillis is back, ladies and gentlemen. Tires on Netflix. Killing it. His specials on Netflix.

[E]

Killing it. Everything's killing it. We did the Staples Center a couple

[B]

weeks ago in la. We had fucking fun.

[H]

Things are going good. I'm still, you know, depressed.

[G]

Yeah.

[H]

But that's all right, you know, who cares, right? I don't know.

[B]

I love it. We're gonna have fucking fun tonight.

[E]

Shane, a veteran guest of the show.

[B]

James's first time at the big table.

[E]

And James, you might not know, but 221 human beings signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get picked out of this bucket. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand up. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear and that interrupts their set. And then I interview them. We find out more about them all together and that's how the show goes. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

[B]

Well, well, well. I'm gonna pre pool a name and we're gonna wrangle them from the bar across the street.

[E]

Poor choices. And while that is happening, we have a person who's going to get the show started.

[B]

We have a new rotating opening position. So you never know who's going to open the show. This is this guy's first time as an official regular on the show. So he became a legend only a few weeks ago being the first person to be on this show eight times in one episode. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted from Drew Nickens.

[C]

He's the truth. Drew Nickens. He's the truth.

[H]

What is the truth?

[B]

Truth, Nick. He's the truth. What?

[C]

He's the truth. Truth.

[D]

All right.

[C]

I haven't been on a date in two years. The last time I went on a date was to the movie Sing 2 Now. I was so excited, but I didn't want to be a pedophile, so I brought someone with me now. I was so excited. We shotgun Red Bulls in the parking lot. I go to the ticket Office. And I'm like, two for sing two. And I'm so excited. And then I realize there's people smiling, there's people telling my date, thank you. And then I realize they think that's my special needs chaperone. They just caught any chance of me getting a kiss on the cheek. So I owned it. I got a free sticker, I got a sippy cup. You know, I was happy. They can't tell a retarded guy not to talk during the movies. Oh, my God, the gorillas are back.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Thank y' so much. That's been my time.

[B]

Exactly one minute. I love this theme, you guys. You guys gave him his own theme song. I love it. SHANE. This is your first time seeing Drew Nickens?

[H]

Yeah, that was, I mean, that was great. Really. The energy backstage was he. This isn't an act, right? We were standing back there, he was like, let's fucking go. It's like fucking D day back there.

[C]

Yeah, man.

[G]

You're a lucky man. Too often when people get the brain damage, they become sad and unusual, but you've got, like, just joy.

[C]

You only see me for two hours. Don't worry, we can get grilled cheeses later. Shane.

[B]

Hell yeah. There you go.

[H]

I've been, I've been on the chaperone date myself, dude. Very relatable stuff.

[C]

Yes, sir. You don't get a handy.

[H]

You do not get a hand job. No. Everyone's gonna think they're jacking off a, you know,

[B]

Drew Nickens blasting off with

[E]

a brand new minute. How does it feel? How's life going for you?

[C]

So last week, Mr. Tony, you didn't tell me that I was going to be a rotating regular. So I'm at the curtain and you said that. I was like, please don't cry before you do your minute. So everything has been so amazing. Everybody has been so gracious and kind. It's so awesome to be here. Thank you guys so much. It has been a mind blowing experience.

[B]

That's right.

[H]

Now, how do you guys feel about the set? Cause you guys got fucking drenched.

[F]

They were.

[B]

You guys were in the splash zone for sure. I mean, Galaga's back.

[G]

I love it.

[C]

Y' all need some ponchos. Maybe next time.

[B]

I think Poncho is one of the horn players. I love it. So, Drew, life is good. Very exciting stuff.

[E]

And he chicks and knocking at the door yet and these chicks DMs or anything? No, go ahead.

[C]

I got titties in my DMs for the first time. Everybody. Don't Know if they were real, but I'll take them.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you don't. They don't need to be real. There's nothing natural about you. Why should the tits be real? I love it.

[E]

True. Have you treated yourself with anything on all this great news that's happening. You're gonna be a. No doubt, a ticket selling superstar. Everything's happening all at once for you.

[C]

I got underwear at Ross.

[B]

You got underwear?

[C]

Yeah, I'm wearing them, but I won't show you guys.

[E]

Well, I mean, what's the band look like? Let's see the band.

[B]

Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. He's made of pubic hair, ladies and gentlemen. There's pubes everywhere.

[H]

You have so many pubes.

[B]

I've never seen pubes start above a belly button before.

[C]

So when I got my appendix out about a year and a half ago, I didn't realize that you gotta shave before that. So I woke up and they shaved my pubes. And it was really hot. Nurses. So I was like, good Lord, did you get hard? Yeah.

[H]

That was a lot. Yeah, mostly pubes. Like a scarecrow filled with views.

[B]

Drew, you are the real deal. I'm so excited to have you in the rotation. You're a. You're a saint.

[E]

I love you.

[B]

You might be one of the most goddamn likable human beings in the history of the show. Welcome to the Kill Tony family. You got it started tonight. Drew Nickens, everybody. I pull another name, we wrangle them. And now to the Bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Now, as you may know, this is where shit gets a little crazy. This could be. This is where we found all of our regulars. Every golden ticket winner that's ever happened, they all come out of the Bucket. Also, the craziest people that have ever been on the show. Some people don't prepare. Some people have waited a decade for this. Some people just started two weeks ago. Some people are good. Some people are bad. We're gonna meet it all together all at once. Your first comedian. An uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Going to Lucas Cop, everyone. Lucas Cop.

[I]

Let me open by saying I'm different than any comic you ever seen. I'm different than any comic you'll see tonight because I am not suicidal. I'm not. Don't get me wrong, though. I feel the same way when I touch a gun as I do when I touch a titty. I want it in my mouth. I'm joking. I would never shoot myself. I would never shoot myself, but I would go hunting in my furry costume like I wouldn't jump into a car compactor and let it slowly squeeze the life out of me, but I would go to a Travis Scott concert. I would be happy to be there. Did you guys know Dr. Seuss used to emotionally abuse his wife? Isn't that kind of funny? If you're going to be emotionally abused by anybody, that's the guy, you know. Red fish, blue fish. You've been gaining weight, bitch. You look terrible. Horton Hears a who. And every day, I have to hear you. Every day. This is getting ridiculous. I am different than other comics, though. Like, I had a good childhood. A lot of comics didn't. A lot of them were tied to radiators. And not me. Not me. I had a good stepdad. My stepdad was actually the first person to get me into sports. Like, he taught me and my mom how to box. She sucked, though. Thank you, guys. Yes.

[B]

All right, Lucas, Cop coming out, guns ablaze and.

[E]

Yeah. Lucas, how long you been doing stand up?

[I]

About four years now.

[E]

Four years. Where are you from?

[I]

Portland. Portland, Oregon.

[E]

And you still live there?

[I]

Yeah, I want to go. Want to leave eventually. It's kind of on fire.

[E]

Yeah, no doubt. We know you're the only guy in Portland that's not suicidal.

[J]

No.

[B]

According to you.

[I]

No. It took a lot of time.

[E]

Absolutely. What do you do for work?

[I]

I'm a longshoreman. I work on the docks.

[E]

Okay. Dock worker. Okay. What do you do on the docks?

[I]

I kind of drive a big truck. They load the. The boxes on it and then I, you know.

[E]

You drive a truck?

[I]

I drive a truck.

[E]

Right, yeah, absolutely.

[I]

Yeah.

[E]

Okay. Very good.

[G]

James, I love that you went with the Dr. Seuss gear, the light and friendly stuff after the suicidal thing.

[I]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[G]

That's like trying to finger somebody after you've had a whole watermelon up there.

[C]

You can.

[K]

You know what I mean?

[I]

I'm a work on that. I like to put the watermelon in, you know?

[G]

Yeah. But it's a lot.

[I]

It is a lot.

[G]

But I'll pray for you.

[B]

Thank you.

[G]

Yeah, you're welcome.

[I]

Thank you. Thank you, man.

[G]

I was just in Portland. That was the weirdest city I've been to in America.

[I]

How'd it go?

[B]

How were our crazy.

[G]

So many gay homeless people.

[I]

Yeah, yeah.

[G]

You've just confused the gay and the gay man. I saw a man sacheting across the

[H]

park with a. Yeah. With a club. They probably thought we were gay. It was me and James.

[G]

Yeah.

[H]

That homeless guy was probably like. It was too.

[G]

That's why he didn't attack us cuz

[H]

we figured we were going to a bookstore.

[B]

That is gay.

[I]

You know, since being in Austin, my friend made a joke about reading and someone heckled me. He said, you read books. That was my first experience in the city. I love it.

[H]

That's pretty funny.

[I]

Yeah, it's a good town.

[E]

So you live in Portland? You've lived there your whole life?

[I]

Yeah, 24.

[E]

You're wearing a Dallas T shirt and a Los Angeles hat.

[I]

I went to look. I'm a confused guy. I might be gay too. I don't know.

[B]

I know how you feel.

[I]

Yeah. Been through a lot.

[B]

Shut the up. All right, so he's not gay.

[I]

Okay. Not gay.

[B]

Oh, you're doing a reverse thing tonight.

[H]

I'm being nice.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[H]

He's not gay. Dude.

[B]

This is my lawyer, Shane Gillis. Gillis and Gillis, attorneys at law.

[E]

Lucas, tell us something about your life that makes you different that we'd be surprised to know about you. Perhaps the way you were raised or something about your.

[I]

My dad loved method. My dad loved meth until I was 12 years old. And I didn't know. I really just thought he was fun. I thought he was excited all the time. Yeah, he wasn't. I love it. He was on meth.

[B]

Did he get off meth?

[I]

Yeah, he's very sober now. He's a big AA guy now.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Wow.

[H]

He's kind of worse.

[E]

Yeah.

[I]

Yeah, it is.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

Did your dad get noticeably less fun as a child? Like, did you?

[I]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. He stopped, like, dancing everywhere he went, you know, and now he goes to as many AA meetings as I go to open mics.

[B]

Yeah, he's doing spots.

[H]

Yes.

[E]

So is he just the most interesting guy at AA meetings with his meth habit?

[I]

He kills. He kills at those.

[H]

You think he's confessed about you in his meetings? He's been like, my fucking gay son's doing comedy.

[B]

Probably unloyal son who represents Dallas and Los Angeles while living in Portland.

[I]

I had to buy. I went to the Dallas game in Dallas. We went to watch in the stadium and I was wearing a Houston jersey and I started feeling glares. It was a dumb move. I like the jersey. I Clyde Drexler on it. I'm from Portland.

[H]

God damn it. Was it a random buy?

[I]

This shirt?

[H]

Were they playing the Trailblazers?

[I]

No.

[H]

Are the Rockets. I mean, you were.

[I]

It's the playoffs. They were playing.

[H]

All right, so you just wear a random jersey to a different.

[I]

I was like, it's a basketball jersey. I'm Gonna wear a basketball jersey to the basketball game.

[E]

You wore a Houston Rockets jersey?

[I]

Look, man, I haven't been to Texas this very long. As soon as I started having black dudes come at me all crazy, I

[H]

was like, I'm sorry, they weren't playing the Celtics.

[I]

What, today?

[H]

Not in Dallas.

[I]

Dallas is. No, I was watching them.

[H]

You got your ass.

[I]

It's a viewing party in the stadium.

[H]

Oh, okay.

[L]

Yes.

[E]

When you say black dudes were coming at you, what were they doing exactly?

[I]

I was having sex with them. Tony, I'm from Portland.

[G]

Was that weird for you to meet black people if you're from Portland?

[H]

Huh?

[I]

I. This has been the most black people I've ever seen in my life since being in Texas.

[H]

Yeah, there weren't a lot of black people.

[L]

No.

[K]

No.

[H]

Portland, you guys have more murals of black people than black people. You guys paint them all the time.

[I]

Yeah.

[G]

Black lives matter. Why won't any of them move here? What do we.

[E]

Well, Lucas, any special skills or talents other than stand up comedy?

[I]

Special skills or talents? I wish I could sing. Nah, man, I don't know. I really wish I was talented. This is the best. As it gets sometimes. I was a UPS driver. I can drive a truck.

[B]

Well.

[I]

God, they were bad. I can drive a truck. Well, I'm really good at manual labor. I've been great at it for years.

[E]

Really? It doesn't seem like you're built for. What's your ethnicity exactly.

[I]

I'm actually like. I thought I was Italian my whole life. Like my family. My middle name is Giovanni because my family wanted us to be Italian so bad.

[F]

Huh.

[I]

We're German.

[B]

Wow. We're German.

[I]

I grew up Catholic, you know what I mean? I'm wearing two chains still, you know?

[E]

Okay. Represent, huh?

[G]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[I]

That's what I'm talking about. I fuck with you.

[B]

Your last name is cop.

[E]

When the black guys were coming at you, did you have an urge to hurt them?

[I]

Yeah, I always do. I get nervous. Oh, my God. I always have my hand here, but there's nothing there.

[E]

There's nothing there. Especially a wallet after you ran into those guys.

[B]

You're right, Lucas, you did very good for a bucket pool. Here's a big joke book. Lucas Kopp, ladies and gentlemen. Getting it started out of the bucket tonight. That's a hell of a start. Thanks so much for Lucas.

[E]

Hello and good evening.

[B]

This podcast is sponsored by Shopify.

[E]

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[A]

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[B]

you guessed it.

[E]

Kill Tony.

[B]

Mixmaster. Next comedian, everybody. We're gonna meet them all together. Jeffrey Lee, everybody. Jeffrey Lee. Oh, shit. Look, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone.

[D]

Hello, everybody. Get a little personal. I suffer from extreme ed. European depiction. That's a pro black Jesus joke, everybody.

[M]

All right.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

So moving along. Do I look like I live in a van? So I don't look homeless? That's great news. That's great news. I gotta make a real concerted effort around these parts. All right, okay.

[B]

Is that time?

[D]

No.

[C]

I don't know.

[D]

Is there a clock?

[B]

Are you done?

[E]

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.

[B]

Sure. Jeffrey Lee, it's a very giving audience tonight.

[D]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Jeffrey, welcome to the show. Are you aware. Is that blood all over your leg?

[D]

Oh, thank you for noticing. Is there a doctor in the house?

[E]

What is that?

[H]

I thought he got nailed to the cross earlier.

[D]

A very giving audience.

[B]

A very giving audience.

[H]

True. That's pretty funny.

[B]

Jesus was born in a manger, you live in a van.

[E]

How's life going, Jeffrey?

[D]

Pretty good. I'm doing it on purpose.

[H]

What, did you pawn all the frankincense and myrrh.

[B]

Do you have any apostles?

[D]

Oh, I have a lot of best.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Jeffrey, how long you been doing stand up comedy?

[D]

For about three and a half, four years.

[E]

Three and a half, four years.

[B]

Where at?

[D]

Started in Cleveland.

[E]

Started in Cleveland.

[D]

And mostly in Cleveland, but mostly in Cleveland. I did do some sets in Chicago, Nashville, Jerusalem.

[B]

Hallelujah.

[E]

If you're gonna do it, do it.

[B]

Jesus. Sleepyhead, over here. My God. Oh, you're over it. Good, I'm glad you're over it. Moving forward with all of your creative nature. Jesus Christ.

[G]

Lord's name. He's right there.

[B]

Jesus Christ. I love it.

[E]

Absolutely. So, okay, so Jeffrey, what do you do for work?

[G]

Ah, we've been there.

[H]

Carpenter.

[D]

Listen, I recently took up the occupation of a ranch hand.

[H]

Ah.

[E]

So kind of that's how I burned

[D]

my leg, I think.

[B]

Yeah. Kind of a carpenter.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're dirt ball.

[E]

Jesus.

[G]

Turns water into monster energy drink. That's all I got. That's all I got.

[B]

Oh, God, I love it. Okay, so Jeffrey, where do you live now?

[D]

In my van.

[E]

Right.

[B]

Where's the van right now?

[D]

It's actually down the street.

[E]

Okay. All right. You locked it up tight. Yeah. What's the most expensive thing that you keep in your van?

[D]

I'd rather not discuss that.

[E]

No one's gonna follow you.

[B]

You have a diseased leg. Jeffrey, I don't know if you know this.

[E]

It is heavily.

[B]

It's.

[E]

I think that's going to be gangrene soon.

[D]

I've been thinking about medical attention.

[E]

You really have no idea.

[H]

You gotta consider that.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

You really. Are you joking or you literally have

[B]

no idea what that is?

[D]

I'm pretty sure it's a burn.

[E]

A burn? Yeah.

[B]

Well, you would. Did you get burned?

[D]

It was very hot that day.

[H]

Were you fighting the devil or something?

[C]

Come on.

[B]

Took the old pitchfork to his shin kinda.

[D]

It was like I was staking rock and I think I kind of scraped

[B]

it a little bit.

[D]

It's hard being a ranch hand, Tony. I don't know if you've ever been a ranch hand before.

[E]

I have worked on Brokeback Mountain, so I know all about it.

[D]

I thought you were straight.

[E]

It's okay. That's a.

[G]

But you drove down from Cleveland today for this.

[D]

Oh, no, no, no. I've been here for a little minute for like a month.

[E]

Yeah, right, right.

[G]

In the heat. It's 100 degrees every day and you're in a van.

[D]

It was a bad idea. I just wanted to come down, try to get on kill Tony and I got that out of the way, so I can go.

[E]

How long have you been in Austin?

[G]

Yeah, much respect.

[D]

For like a month.

[F]

Like a.

[M]

Five weeks.

[E]

You've been signing up for five weeks?

[D]

Well, you were gone, right? So that was unfortunate. I told everybody, hey, help me get here so I can sign up. And then you couldn't even sign up.

[B]

Right. And then on the third day, you rose again. So stupid. So stupid.

[E]

Jeffrey, you're a ranch hand. Let me get this right. Where in Cleveland exactly?

[B]

Are you a ranch hand?

[D]

No, I did the ranch hand stuff here.

[E]

Okay?

[D]

This is all.

[E]

That's new.

[B]

A day ago. That's a day ago.

[E]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[B]

Oh, there's a pus bubble on the bottom there.

[E]

Any chance.

[B]

This is a crazy question to the Kill Tony fan base.

[E]

Is there any chance there's an actual doctor out there? Is there a doctor? What kind of doctor are you?

[B]

Physician assistant.

[D]

Could we do better?

[E]

Can you diagnose her? No.

[B]

And now that is funny.

[H]

It's literally. Literally a beggar being a cheater. There's a saying against this exact thing.

[G]

Heal your own leg.

[E]

James, what was your question? What'd you ask him?

[G]

No, I said he should heal himself. But we should get this. I.

[B]

The.

[G]

The past scares me. I'm the closest to it, and I feel the most weird. I think physician assistant is good, you

[B]

know, I mean, no one else spoke

[D]

up, so I apologize.

[H]

Take a gander at that.

[E]

Is there.

[B]

Is there anyone higher ranking than a physician's assistant? Make some noise. What? Oh, that's all we got. Thank you, sir. All right, there's a spokesman for the audience. That's all we got. He checked everybody's occupation on the way, so it's down to a physician's assistant or a Mexican trombone player. So, physician's assistant, can you.

[E]

Can you have a diagnosis at that?

[B]

Okay, sir. Jesus. Turn around.

[E]

What do you. What would the diagnosis on this be? She put on her glasses for this. Cellulitis, for sure.

[D]

Cellulitis.

[E]

Cellulitis. So what would he need for that? Some peptides, Keflex?

[A]

Antibiotics?

[H]

Yeah, same way you have antibiotics.

[G]

I've also got a thing on my foot, if you wouldn't mind hanging out. I've been scratching the mosquito bites and they sort of form one big mosquito bite and.

[B]

Absolutely disgusting. Jeffrey.

[E]

Very, very interesting stuff.

[H]

Why not pants, though?

[D]

The Internet said keep it uncovered, so.

[E]

Yeah, so you looked it up on the Internet, did you?

[H]

Hey, I have a boil on my leg. I'm about to do Kill tones it.

[D]

I really kind of was hoping next week, not this week, but here we go.

[G]

You work in mysterious ways, you know.

[B]

It is incredible, Jeffrey.

[D]

Oh, dear.

[E]

Anything else crazy about your life we'd find interesting about you?

[B]

Oh, Sure.

[D]

I don't want to rap, but I could. I could be a rapper.

[B]

What do you mean you could be a rapper?

[D]

I could say I rap and then I could rap.

[B]

Do you rap? This is the worst way to answer this ever.

[G]

Well, it's.

[E]

You're a fan of the show, right? Yeah, yeah, that's why I said like so.

[D]

It popped in my head.

[E]

I'm like anything at all, though. It doesn't have to be like. It doesn't. You don't have to pretend like you're a rapper. That would be psychotic.

[G]

No, no.

[D]

I do have really good rhymes.

[B]

Do you rap?

[D]

I have great rhymes.

[E]

Okay, well, then you would say that I rap.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[E]

Look at Michael and say, there you not.

[B]

Nice and easy, Michael.

[E]

Nice and easy.

[B]

There you go.

[E]

I want to be able to hear this.

[B]

All right, all right.

[E]

Here he is.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Ladies and gentlemen.

[D]

Really? Kanye West. Oh, man.

[B]

All right. What's your part, buddy? Right here.

[D]

I wasn't playing on freestyle.

[B]

I wanted a written. Hold on, hold on.

[D]

Let me get it corrected. Corrected. What's the inflection? I think my leg has a deadly infection. Help me now.

[B]

Help me now. Help me now.

[D]

Help me now. Help me now. Help me now.

[B]

P.S.

[D]

i heard Drake was a fan. Yeah, he's a fan. He's a fan.

[B]

He's a fan.

[D]

What you think when I beat the man?

[B]

Put it in the man.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Jump the jam. Pump, pump, pump.

[D]

Inflate fucking up the beat. You see it on the street.

[M]

Sick's getting weak.

[E]

Oh, yeah, it's getting sick.

[D]

You see it all the time.

[E]

And you see it in the peeps eyes, oh, yeah.

[B]

As they mumbling by wondering why.

[E]

You see.

[D]

Smell the piss.

[B]

Okay, all right. I'm going to stop you there, Jeffrey. Oh, you're getting a big joke book. Jesus. There he goes. Jeffrey Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Fun times. He should have stopped at the deadly infection part. Just left us wanting more. Okay. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go.

[E]

We're flying through them tonight.

[B]

Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jake Coulter, everybody. Here comes Jake.

[L]

So people tell me all the time that I have chicken legs. Like it's a choice, but how else am I supposed to attract black women? There's one black lady right now that can't Take her eyes off this and she's on the keyboard. I feel like WWE is just like a female orgasm. If I enjoy myself, I don't really care if it's fake or not.

[B]

Jake Coulter, I'm gonna cut you off right there.

[M]

Wow.

[B]

Amazing set. Absolutely incredible.

[E]

Is this your first time on the show?

[L]

Yes, sir.

[E]

Welcome, welcome, welcome. Jake, that was an absolutely incredible set. How long you been doing stand up?

[L]

Since September.

[E]

Since September. I love it. How old are you?

[L]

I am 25.

[B]

25.

[E]

And what is. You have some kind of like condition or something? You got a little wobbly left hand and a little speech something. What's going on with you?

[F]

You?

[L]

I am very nervous.

[E]

Oh, that's it.

[B]

I thought he was going to say a light case of cerebral palsy.

[L]

We could say that too.

[E]

Hey, absolutely.

[H]

There's not for real nothing.

[L]

I don't think so. I, I mean, I'm not a doctor, but it could be.

[B]

Well, good for you. We have a physician's assistant here. Physician's assistant. Would you say that his condition is nervousness?

[E]

What do you got?

[B]

What do you got for this one, bro?

[H]

Say you have something. You'll be a regular.

[D]

Oh,

[G]

Did you get extra nervous? Because the last guy was. It was very leg heavy. And then your first joke was about legs and you were maybe worried there's gonna be too much about legs here tonight.

[L]

I had no idea that happened, but now I'm worried about it.

[G]

Oh, I wanna see your legs now. That's a good leg.

[B]

That's a healthy leg.

[G]

Nice.

[E]

Yeah, those really aren't chicken legs at all. But the good legs, the pants do a good job at covering it up.

[J]

I don't want them shits.

[H]

Thank you.

[L]

I chose them myself.

[E]

What'd you say?

[B]

I don't want them shits. He doesn't want them shits because they're not chicken legs.

[F]

Out of here.

[H]

It was, it was very fun to see you extremely nervous. Tell a very, very racist joke. It was pretty great.

[L]

Oh, so that joke was actually the first joke I ever told. And I wound up just going to a random open mic at the Signature Bar in Richmond.

[B]

And

[E]

we don't know what that is. Can you describe that to us?

[L]

Oh, so the Signature Bar is the name of the bar Richmond. It's right outside of Houston.

[B]

Uh huh.

[E]

Is that a very black population or.

[L]

Well, yeah, but I didn't realize it until I got on stage. Cause I was so. Yeah, I was so nervous going over my set over and over and over again and my whole set was about Being a white guy dating black women. How it's great. Cause they'll assume when they marry me that their credit score will get higher. And I applied for credit cards like they were college applications. Cause I didn't know they affected the credit score.

[E]

Right. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. So, Jake, is that true?

[E]

Do you date black women?

[B]

Yes.

[E]

Really?

[H]

I know.

[B]

This is shocking to me.

[H]

Fucking real life. Kip.

[E]

How many black women do you think you've been with? If you had to guess?

[L]

I've been with three.

[E]

Three black women. Oh, my God.

[H]

That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I think we can all agree.

[E]

Yeah. Yeah. That is incredible. And you went all the way with them. Full intercourse.

[L]

Yes.

[E]

Yeah. And do you have any. Yeah, go ahead.

[L]

I was about to say. So you actually talk about a theory on here about black women having warmer.

[B]

Yes.

[L]

Pussies.

[E]

Yep.

[L]

Yeah.

[E]

Do you agree with my theory?

[K]

Yes.

[H]

And absolutely

[E]

it's true.

[B]

But there's actually a little fun fact for all you little Texans that have never tried the old Hershey sauce.

[E]

You know what I mean?

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a little bit different out there. Their D Madness has heard enough. He's gone. He's going to get some black right now. He can't take another session.

[H]

He was so offended. He could see and he left.

[K]

No.

[B]

You say chicken legs three times, Steve Madness takes a run for it.

[L]

So there's actually a science behind that theory, though, because, like, you know how you're told to wear brighter clothes in the summer to reflect heat because darker colors absorb more heat?

[B]

Yes. Somehow this is the most racist part of your appearance. Go ahead, continue.

[L]

So same thing applies to skin. Skin color.

[B]

Because we know where you're going with this. We're already ahead of you on this.

[H]

Where did you find this information?

[L]

ChatGPT.

[H]

Chat GPT.

[B]

He went to. He went to Chat Bet.

[H]

Chat ebt.

[B]

It went to chat kfc.

[E]

It's incredible.

[D]

Such

[B]

saying into the mic.

[H]

It was so bad it's funny. What are you going to chat NBA or something?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

So, Jake, tell us, do you have any special moves in the bedroom when you're.

[L]

No, I just do what I'm told.

[B]

Absolutely goddamn right. You don't need a phys.

[H]

Give me 50 bucks. Oh, true. I. Yeah. How many of these are. Are any of these business transactions?

[E]

Has anybody ever asked you for anything? The women that you've been with.

[L]

Oh, no.

[E]

Okay, so what do they ask you to do? What did they tell you to do, Jake? What do the black women in the bedroom tell you to do exactly. And say it how they would say it.

[G]

It's like a.

[B]

This is kill Tony.

[L]

Wait, I can't answer that. I don't think.

[E]

Okay, so when you're in the bedroom with a black woman and they tell you what to do, you said that you do what you're told to do in the bedroom. What do they ask you to do? But when you say it, say it how they say it. Do an impression of a black woman

[B]

asking you, telling you what to do in the bedroom.

[G]

You're trying to get this man canceled on his first appearance on your show.

[L]

I'm very upset. I had to had such a good first time and you're trying to get

[C]

me canceled through the black lady.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[H]

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do it.

[L]

I know.

[B]

That's why I'm looking at Shane.

[H]

No, you should do it. Become. Become legend, bro.

[B]

Yeah, be a legend. Shane and I technically both got canceled

[E]

before our careers really started as well, so you can go right ahead.

[B]

Do it.

[O]

Do it.

[B]

And as black as you possibly can do it, DE is giving you permission.

[P]

I'm even playing black blues music for you, bro.

[F]

Come on.

[H]

Oh my God.

[B]

Here it comes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Jake Coulter

[E]

doing an impression of a black woman

[B]

telling him what to do in the bedroom. Ah, dude, done that. Are they all nervous too?

[H]

Yes.

[B]

Ah.

[M]

I knew it down there.

[G]

Good night, Mike.

[H]

You fucking chimney sweeps. The fuck was that?

[L]

I'm not good at impressions. I'm not an impressionist.

[B]

Hey, hey. I'm a black woman. Steg. Get down there and eat my pussy.

[G]

I'm just a typical old black woman.

[B]

Let me see those delicious chicken legs.

[G]

I got the warmest pussy this side of Oxfordshire.

[B]

God damn, this is a good show.

[E]

Jesus Christ, man. God, I could just talk with you

[B]

forever about black women. This is incredible.

[E]

We have a lot of catching up to do, Jake.

[L]

I know.

[E]

Wow. So how long? You said September. You started. So you haven't even been doing this a year?

[L]

No, but I've been watching you for two years and taking notes. And your advice.

[E]

Very good.

[B]

You're doing very good.

[E]

Where do you live?

[B]

Huh?

[E]

Where do you live?

[L]

In McDade.

[F]

What?

[B]

You got really nervous there in McDade?

[E]

In McDade?

[L]

Yeah. Well, I, I, it's called McDade. I call it McDad. Cuz I feel like then I could tell girls I could beat their McDaddy.

[B]

Oh my God, this is a pimp. This guy is an absolute baller with

[E]

Your little wobbly left hand. Look, you don't have no idea what to do with that hand. Look at you, you're grabbing onto your pocket, you're wiggling around, touching, touching your own fingers. You have no idea what to do with that thing.

[L]

I know, cuz every time I practice, I practice holding the mic in this hand. But this.

[E]

What do you do with that hand? Let's see what happens if you hold a. What do you do with that hand? Oh, cerebral palsy.

[B]

You have.

[H]

No, do both. Just do both.

[B]

Oh, Shane giving you permission to do the patented. Oh, my God. In the history of stand up comedy, there might be nobody more fitting ever to use both hands on a microphone. And you just got permission from the. The true mack daddy of both. Hand, microphone hold.

[H]

There she go. It works.

[B]

You have been blessed on this day. An amazing performance in a amazing interview. Here's a big joke book. Jake Coulter, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Amazing. We're having too much fun here. We're gonna get one more bucket pull out of the way here. We're gonna meet them all together. We got a lot of momentum right now. Make some noise. 60 seconds from Abe. Floyd Flores, everyone. Abe Flores.

[N]

All right, thank you very much. So I'm Mexican and it's a good time to be Mexican. Unless, of course, you were born in Mexico. Half of my family really hates that joke. You can imagine which half. You know what I'm saying? There's a bit of tension among the family. Just a little bit of tension. Those who only speak Spanish expect the rest of us to speak it perfectly. And yeah, yo hablo espanol. But just because I speak the language doesn't mean I know every word. For instance, the word girth. I have no idea how to say girth in Spanish. And no, of course I've never looked it up because that would be gay as hell.

[B]

All right, thank you, guys.

[H]

I made Flores hell.

[B]

Yeah. Finally someone just eats it up here. We've been waiting for you, Abe.

[N]

Well, well, really good to be here, man. Thank you for having me.

[E]

Yeah, absolutely. It's a shame you're not the Abe

[B]

that got shot in the head while at a show. Welcome, Abe.

[E]

How long have you been attempting stand up comedy?

[N]

Well, I've been riding, riding for about a year, man. I just got back from Mexico City, so I haven't, like, been at mics and stuff like that.

[E]

So this is what.

[H]

How'd you get up here?

[B]

Yeah, I put my name in a bucket, man.

[E]

So this is basically your first time in front of A live audience?

[N]

Yeah, I. I do music, so I, like, perform, but I've never tried jokes out, man. This is a very different thing.

[E]

Yeah, it sure is, isn't it? How long have you been writing? Two years.

[N]

You said a little over a year.

[E]

A little over a year, yeah.

[N]

Jokes, just like, you know.

[E]

Sure. What do you do for work?

[N]

Well, I tutor people in Spanish, algebra, geometry, things like that.

[E]

Okay. James McCann, when you said half your

[G]

family hates that joke, you know what I mean? What did you mean by that?

[E]

Yeah,

[H]

the ones who were born in Mexico.

[G]

Oh, okay.

[H]

Yep.

[G]

Some were born here. So you were born here, right?

[E]

Right.

[G]

Well, I don't. I'm asking you.

[B]

Yeah.

[H]

Yes, that is correct. I was born here.

[E]

Are we supposed to know your story?

[B]

No, no.

[G]

Are you very famous in Mexico? Are you a tele novo, man? You look like you could be a tele nofo superstar.

[N]

The most I've ever done is, like, been an extra in, like, a movie, you know, like, very minor things.

[G]

Excellento.

[E]

What did you play in a movie?

[N]

Oh, no, like, I. I played a bartender once.

[E]

Okay.

[N]

That was like.

[E]

Have you trained in acting? Did you take a class or anything like that?

[N]

Never taken a class. Done, like, music videos and stuff like that to, like, my own music. Been in a couple of other short films.

[E]

That's it, man. So you did some. What characters were you in short films?

[N]

One time I played a guy named Mo. He was like.

[E]

Let me ask you this. Let me get to my point here.

[H]

The Simpsons Bartender Named Mo. Simpsons in me bar.

[E]

I'm asking you a lot about acting right now, Abe, because I'm curious, with all of your acting experience, if you could play a black woman telling you

[B]

to do something in the bedroom, can you do an impression of a black woman telling you to save your whole set, bro? Yeah, okay.

[E]

All right, all right.

[B]

Here he is. Hold on.

[E]

Let's get the lighting right. This is Abe Flores pretending to be

[B]

a black woman telling him what to do in the bedroom.

[N]

That is not my job.

[B]

Okay. That's very. Man.

[G]

No need to do it in a racist way.

[B]

Good Lord. You didn't like that?

[G]

No, it was great.

[H]

It was actually really good.

[G]

No matter what you said. I would have said that when you.

[B]

Wait, but let me just ask you something. When you say, that is not my job, what is she implying during that. Like, what is. What's going on in that scene to where she. Of all the things, I know exactly

[H]

what's going on in that scene. He's exactly right.

[E]

Wait, Abe, answer my question. What Is she telling you is not your job?

[N]

Honestly, man, I don't know where I heard this from. This was like, in a show or something.

[E]

Okay.

[N]

If somebody knows it, please, please blurt it out.

[H]

I think it's every gas station.

[G]

I have heard black women say that at the airport a lot.

[H]

Yeah, every place of work.

[G]

It's beautiful to find a Mexican who's

[H]

way more racist than I thought.

[G]

Yeah, it's gone bad.

[H]

I apologize already.

[E]

Okay.

[H]

Taking the heat off you, brother. Thanks, man.

[E]

I'm gonna put it back on you.

[B]

What were you implying that the black

[E]

woman was saying during.

[B]

Go ahead.

[N]

That was the. The first thing that came to mind. Man, I wish I had a better answer.

[E]

Okay. Very good. Yeah, very good. Ape, what do you do for a living?

[N]

I. I tutor people.

[B]

Oh, that's right. I asked you that.

[E]

What do you do musically? You've been bringing up this music thing.

[N]

Yeah, I make reggaeton. Do you know what that is?

[B]

Yeah, that's a tunnel. Italian pasta. Am I correct?

[I]

Rigatone Reggaeton.

[H]

Yes.

[E]

Okay.

[N]

It's like a very.

[E]

So when you say you make reggaeton, what exactly do you mean? You make it on a computer or.

[N]

Exactly. Yes.

[E]

Oh, okay.

[N]

So, like, sometimes we sample things.

[H]

Computer, door.

[N]

Sometimes we'll sample music. Sometimes it's just like, you know, going in there, recording actual instruments, playing with melodies. Right.

[E]

Just, you know, it's all just on a computer.

[N]

Most of it is.

[E]

You don't do anything live or sing anything or do anything.

[N]

I. I sing.

[E]

I just do play along here.

[N]

Do you really, really want to? Do you really, really want to?

[B]

Girl?

[N]

Hit him with that one, too. Do it for me. Cause I know you really want to. Are you ready?

[I]

Here's a little rap, okay?

[B]

It's a little political. Living in. All right, all right.

[N]

Living in cages Simply outrageous. Jungle is dangerous Minimum wage Slaving away in a place with no say Blast that banana, son. It's insane. After some goes down the streets Are unsafe apes out here blasting bananas trying to get paid Made to believe there is no other way I get why we blast him, but do you really, really want to?

[K]

Okay.

[B]

All right. All right. That song is called Blast that Banana. All right.

[H]

Are you. Are you an Indian guy? You're a fucking Indian guy.

[B]

I'm not an Indian guy. No, that's the other half of his family.

[C]

Oh.

[G]

When you're making a political rap about apes blasting each other with bananas, do you want to explain what that's about? I got a theory, but yeah. So maybe don't tell anybody what that's about.

[N]

That was off of a project that I released about a year ago called Abe the Ape. And it's like all like literally just a bunch of double entendres about, you

[H]

know, blasting bananas and.

[G]

Yeah, because of Planet of the Apes or because of black people? That's what I'm asking.

[B]

Oh, God, no.

[G]

Because I don't know.

[N]

No, no. It was an idea that I got living in Mexico City. I was just kind of like going from place to place, noticing that people were just kind of, you know, loading themselves up with like, drugs and chasing sex and doing things like this. Just like very primal urgency.

[G]

That's the best possible answer to that question. I appreciate it.

[N]

Yeah.

[B]

Good job, Abe.

[N]

Thanks, Tony.

[E]

All right, well, Abe, here's a little joke book. Congratulations.

[B]

Appreciate you, man. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, that is the kill Tony of Abe Flores, my music. You already did a Flores music.

[E]

There you go.

[B]

Abe Flores, everybody go listen to his unbelievable ape related music. For those of you that are like, there's not enough apes in my music. Big popper. High deep. And now we've come to that part of the show where I get to bring up one of our unbelievable regular ladies and gentlemen. You know Em, you love Em. The boy is a monster. I present to you the one and only Cam Patterson. Oh,

[K]

usually I have like, a really good minute that I like a lot. And. Don't make that face, bitch, right now, today. I was in Spokane this weekend, and I usually where I was. And Spokane, Washington is a terrible fucking place. I asked them, I said, what are they doing? Spokane, Washington? And one person just said, suicide. That's a terrible answer. And I want y' all to know something. Spokane, Washington has like a huge basketball three on three tournament that they do. Yeah, not that cool. It's 88% white in Spokane, Washington. That's fucking crazy, dog. To be like, yeah, man, we just gonna corner the market on basketball real quick. That's what we gonna do. I told y' all it's not gonna be good. Fuck y', all. It's not gonna. This was not the best minute. I got rich friends. And that's weird. Now I'll show my picture, my homeboy, a picture of a giraffe. And he was like, I own one of those. And I said, what? And he said, I own a giraffe. And I was like, for real? He said, yeah, I got two of them. And one of them, they had sex and they made a giraffe baby. And I sold the baby giraffe to the Zoo. And I was like, nigga, you flipped a giraffe.

[B]

Cam Patterson, everybody.

[K]

I didn't want to do that joke.

[J]

Why?

[K]

I'm still working on it.

[E]

It's great.

[B]

That's. Oh, fuck, man.

[E]

What's wrong?

[B]

Nah, I could have Spokane.

[K]

Shit. The Spokane was just fucking terrible, so I had nothing to talk about with Spokane. And then I was like, fuck, I'm gonna do that. The basketball shit. I did the basketball shit over there in Little Boy. It went terrible. They were like, no, that's horrible. Two girls tried to suck my dick. So that made me happy. But besides that. No, here, just now, today.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[E]

That's living the life.

[H]

Yeah, that's a win.

[K]

No, it wasn't. I bombed, nigga. I don't deserve to get my dick sucked. When I bombed. Yeah, they still tried to suck my dick.

[E]

Wait, they tried to suck your dick after you bombed?

[G]

Yeah.

[K]

I was like, this is. I bombed. It's not gonna work over there. It's gonna be very bad. And they were like, we'll suck your dick to make you feel better. And I was like, I don't deserve that.

[E]

My goodness.

[K]

And then I got my dick sucked.

[B]

But. Okay.

[E]

Was this a black woman that sucked your dick or a white woman?

[K]

No, I've been seeing this shit. No, it was not a black lady. It was a white.

[I]

These.

[K]

This is crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[K]

You making them say the wildest shit up here.

[E]

Yeah, we're having fun tonight.

[K]

Yeah.

[M]

God.

[K]

God was here. That was crazy. That was insane.

[B]

It wasn't God. God was his father.

[O]

Oh.

[B]

We had his son.

[G]

God of God. I want to say, I've been in Austin for a couple months now. Cam, you're my favorite person who does. The one you hadn't seen before does comedy. You're great.

[K]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

[G]

Well, much love.

[K]

Thank you so much. I love you, too, bro. Yeah, my dog, he speak a different language.

[B]

Yeah.

[G]

I mean, also, like, the moral of everything you're saying is evil, but you're so charismatic.

[D]

Yeah.

[K]

That's love.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[G]

You have about eight minutes on an abortion. That is really funny. Thank you.

[K]

People hate that joke.

[G]

Yes. Cause you're talking about how much you love abortion.

[K]

Yeah. My mama hate that joke.

[G]

Cause you're killing her grandchild. It's still really funny.

[K]

You know what's funny about that? That she didn't. She didn't know I was going to have the abortion at all. She didn't know about the abortion at all until she was scrolling through Tik

[I]

Tok

[K]

and then found That I killed her grandbaby.

[B]

So. Yep.

[E]

That's how some people find out that their grandchild has been murdered.

[K]

Yeah. I didn't want to tell us. You going to make it real sad

[H]

you caught a body.

[E]

Huh?

[H]

You caught a body.

[K]

I mean, I didn't do it. The. The physician did.

[B]

The physician's assistant right there.

[E]

Very excited. Yeah.

[G]

James, I was just shaming the physician

[B]

who did the abortion.

[H]

It really sounded like you said my name.

[G]

That was with an M. It's the worst thing a person can do.

[B]

Have you.

[G]

Funny.

[E]

Have you done abortions before? Physician's assistant.

[I]

You've had.

[B]

Whoa. One of us.

[E]

Us.

[B]

One of us. One of us.

[H]

Did. Did the guy sitting next to you just find out? Cuz he did lean over like. Wait, what? Paid for what? The.

[B]

Here's a little joke book for the. For the. For the. For the little child that you murdered. Here you go. That's a crazy episode of the show tonight. This has been wild.

[E]

This is really.

[B]

We're really pushing the limits here today.

[K]

It's truly been insane to watch Cam.

[E]

What else is going on in life?

[K]

Anything else on the road? Trying to figure it out, man. It's been. It's been pretty fun. The road's been a good time.

[E]

Yeah. You're killing it on tour. Where can people get tickets again?

[K]

On my Instagram. Go to my Instagram. Go on my bio.

[P]

Because it's on.

[K]

I got like a. What it's called I got a coma link tree.

[H]

O.

[E]

There he goes.

[K]

I got a coma.

[H]

Hell yeah.

[K]

Go to my ig and shit. Yes, sir.

[E]

There you go. Marketing genius. Oh, no.

[K]

I don't know how to promote myself.

[J]

For real.

[K]

Come see the nigga. I don't know, man. Come see me. I be talking about good shit I got. I like. I like. I like the shows on the road. It be fun.

[E]

Have you looked up campatterson.com? have you even looked that up?

[K]

I think that's it. I think it's either that or Cam so funny. Red, man. Can you look it up?

[A]

I think it's Cam so funny.

[K]

It's Cam so funny, right? I think so.

[E]

Cam is so funny or is no KM so funny.

[K]

K, M S O, O funny. That's it.

[B]

S O, O, S, O.

[H]

Did you skip over trying to spell funny?

[G]

I got so wrong. We better not try funny.

[Q]

I can spell.

[K]

I can spell funny fantastically.

[E]

F, U, N, N. The last word.

[K]

The last one.

[E]

Why? What do we got? It's not Cam so funny.

[B]

Either of them try. So with two O'S you gotta put two O's. He's gotta put two O's. You have to spell it incorrectly. So funny.

[K]

That's it.

[B]

Nope.

[K]

They go, my face is here.

[E]

Store dot, cam. So funny. We'll click the Cam Patterson thing. We can just do it. We're not gonna wait for you to type again.

[A]

Squarespace.

[I]

Dude, come see me.

[E]

There you go.

[B]

The great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour, right? It's not. By the way. It is not Cam Pat. Oh, no, you misspelled. You misspelled funny. Oh, my God. Red band.

[E]

Oh, it does? Okay. Technically, it goes to. Yep.

[B]

It kind of pops up. It's a real shitty website,

[F]

huh?

[B]

Oh, no, it's all good. All right, we're back to the bucket. You guys having fun? Here we go. We're gonna meet another one. All together, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Dylan Jarbo, everyone. Dylan Jarbo.

[F]

There's a lot of protests going on in Austin right now. I'm not gonna lie. Up until a week ago, I thought Hamas was Spanish for more ham. I got pulled over on 6th Street. I didn't think that was possible. I thought it was like, international waters out there. White guys. We get pulled over, we talk to the police like they're our Uber driver.

[B]

What's up, boss man? Busy night. You have an iPhone? Charger. Can I vape in here?

[F]

I think they should bring back the show Pimp My Ride. Remember that? Bring back Pimp My Ride. This time it's just for people who live in their car. What's up, Kevin?

[B]

We heard you're homeless.

[M]

Who put a microwave in your trunk? Figure it out.

[F]

No, I know this struggle. We didn't have a lot of money growing up. When I was a kid, every night for dinner, we had macaroni or cheese. I always picked cheese. Actually, I had a job interview recently. You gotta be memorable. Stick out. He asked me, dylan, what do you bring to the table? I said, I bring another table.

[B]

You're hired.

[F]

Welcome to Rooms to Go. Thank you.

[B]

Dylan Jarbo, welcome.

[E]

You've been on this show before, right? Fantastic. How long you been on standup?

[F]

About eight years.

[E]

Eight years. And you do this for a living? How do you make money?

[B]

No.

[F]

God, no. I have an it job. Work from home.

[E]

Oh, dear. Work from home. I love it. I love it. Oh, a lot of fans of working from home here.

[B]

That's great.

[E]

Tell us more about your life that we didn't find out last time you were on or what was the mainframe of our Talk.

[L]

Last time.

[E]

Last time you were on.

[F]

Last time I was on, I. We talked about mental health. I had ocd. I can't do anything in fours because I have five family members. That means someone's gonna die.

[E]

Okay. You still have that, obviously.

[F]

Yeah, I. Dr. Drew and I talked, and we had a great conversation.

[E]

Okay, that was at Skank Fest.

[F]

No, that was here. Okay, that's at the Vulcan.

[E]

Okay, I remember now. Yeah. Yep. Long time ago. All right, so you have ocd. What else about you, Dylan? Tell us more. I mean.

[F]

Yeah, Dylan, I lost, like, 30 pounds since the last time I've been on here. Really skinny bitch.

[E]

You would have lost 40, but a family member would have died.

[F]

We can't afford that. Yeah.

[E]

How'd you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost the weight.

[B]

Red Band.

[F]

I cut out the Lean Cuisine pizza.

[B]

Oh, have you thought about that?

[K]

No, no, no.

[G]

That's not diet food.

[F]

That's just. That's just what helped me personally.

[B]

Right.

[F]

That's what saved me.

[B]

Red Band thinks that's good diet food. Lean Cuisine pizzas.

[G]

That's diet pizza.

[C]

Come on, man.

[H]

It's in the title.

[B]

Sex, Brian.

[D]

Do it.

[B]

Diet pizza.

[F]

Yeah, I thought it was diet pizza, but it's not. It's sodium, all that.

[E]

Right, Right.

[H]

So how many family members do you have?

[F]

Four, including me. I count myself.

[H]

So you have four.

[F]

Yeah.

[I]

Four.

[H]

Wait.

[F]

Yeah, I know. I know. It didn't add up to me, either. Once I started counting the numbers in my head, I was like, so it's

[H]

four, so you can't do three.

[F]

I should.

[H]

Then one would be gone.

[F]

Yeah, that's. That's true. Not good.

[G]

You're gonna cut out the foxtrot and the waltz for this man, so he can't have any.

[H]

1, 2, 3.

[G]

1, 2, 3, 4.

[H]

Well, I was confused. Maybe I'm up. Didn't you say all right.

[F]

Yeah, this was years ago. I still can't count. Yeah, we got.

[E]

What's the worst that this has affected your life, this ocd? Like, what was there ever?

[H]

Actually, he's not that strong. He forgot while he was up here.

[G]

No, that's got to be worse. You live your whole life going, ah, when do they die? But sounds hot.

[F]

There's been some stuff. When I was driving, I'd be going, like, down the highway, and I'd be like, you better touch the back. You know, like the window at the back. And I'd be driving to an open mic. If you don't touch it, you're gonna bomb. And I'd be going 80. Reach back real hard.

[E]

You just have to touch the window.

[F]

The back in years ago. Yeah.

[E]

Passenger side window.

[F]

No, no, no. Like, you know how it lines up?

[E]

Driver's side, back window. And you had to touch the window or else you were gonna bomb.

[F]

I was gonna bomb, yeah.

[G]

Is this a small car or like a Toyota Sienna? How far is it to get to the back?

[F]

It's a Ford Focus. I could lean.

[G]

Doable.

[E]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Easy.

[F]

One of these. Easy driving my dick.

[E]

Okay. So, Dylan, you have a love life?

[F]

I do.

[E]

How's that going? What's that like?

[F]

There's a beautiful girl.

[E]

How long you been with her?

[F]

About nine months.

[E]

Where'd you meet her at?

[F]

Hinge. It was a hinge.

[E]

What was her first date?

[F]

Our first date was down Hotel Vegas down the street. She's a. She's a tech gal. She makes twice my salary.

[E]

Yeah, yeah.

[G]

There you go.

[F]

There you go, guys. We get a heb. She buys the groceries, I buy the bags. That's just how we do,

[H]

man. I gotta.

[L]

Hilarious.

[H]

I got a feeling if you don't stand on one foot right, right now, she's going to die tonight.

[B]

Wow.

[F]

I'd be a very lucky man. Now, I could take.

[B]

Do you only stop with four fingers or.

[C]

No.

[E]

Have you ever fisted her is what he.

[B]

No.

[Q]

Okay, good.

[E]

What is the wildest thing you've ever done in the bedroom to you?

[F]

Like a Mike Tyson? Maybe a bite.

[B]

Whoa, look at that.

[G]

In the bedroom, a Mike Tyson can mean a different thing.

[F]

A George Foreman.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

The nibbling on an ear is the least horrifying thing a Mike Tyson could be.

[H]

You say George Foreman. Little Robo Dub action.

[I]

Yeah.

[H]

Little Muhammad Ali. Rub it up again.

[F]

I hang at the corner, play dead

[H]

for a while, and they go, I'll just fuck around. Come here. Now that you're tired, I'm going to fuck you up.

[B]

I love it.

[E]

Dylan, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand up or working?

[F]

I've been taking Pilates classes online.

[B]

Whoa. Why does that sound like a joke? You say? No, it's not.

[F]

It's. I took Pilates class online.

[E]

So when you take it online, what does that mean exactly?

[F]

It's just YouTube. Just tube it.

[E]

Right? But, like, you, like, do. What do they have you do?

[F]

I do the poses in the living room and just let it hit. She watches.

[G]

Well, it works because you're looking good, brother. I want to let you know that I'm not ashamed to appreciate a man's body.

[K]

Thank you.

[G]

You're welcome.

[F]

Wow, they're working off, guys.

[G]

You're ripped under that buc ee's shirt. You can never go back there.

[F]

I'm really not.

[E]

It's trouble from here to here, is it?

[F]

From tits up? I look great. There's a lot of lone stars, man.

[G]

Do you know what I would give to look good from tits up? That's the. If you go in a pool, that's perfect. You just stay here. I gotta stay here.

[F]

I got a great ocean body.

[E]

You already have a joke book.

[F]

I do, yes, sir.

[B]

I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Wow, look at that. Look at that. Dylan Jarbo.

[E]

There he goes. There goes Dylan, everyone.

[B]

We got another name. We gotta keep it moving. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doing a minute. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I mean, just unbelievable. This Sausage Festivus show, it's such a breath of fresh air.

[E]

Make some noise for your next comedian.

[B]

Trey on stage, everyone. Trey on stage.

[E]

Here he is.

[B]

Trey on stage.

[E]

Whoa.

[G]

Hello.

[P]

How y' all doing, man? Last night I got a little too drunk in my Uber. That was pretty messed up. I ended up throwing up, almost passing out. That thing really sucks when that happens. Especially when your passenger is right there. Yeah, I dated this black chick recently. It was pretty cool, man. She told me that her husband died. I was like, that's no bueno. Thanks. I was like, that's no good, man. Cause I'm terrified of black widows, You know? I'm not really a morning person, really. The only time I feel like that's appropriate is, you know, at a funeral. I don't like talking about sex jokes. I don't have any sex jokes at all. Mostly. Cause I just beat around the bush. Yeah, that's kind of gross, I guess. How do you kill a gang of clowns? You aim for the juggler.

[I]

All right.

[P]

Thanks for. Y' all laughing, baby.

[E]

Trey on stage. Welcome. Trey, how are you?

[J]

Pretty good.

[P]

How you doing, man?

[E]

I love it. Is this your first time on the show?

[P]

Yes, sir, it is.

[E]

Well, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[P]

About six months.

[E]

Six months. All of it here in Austin, Texas?

[P]

Yes, sir.

[E]

Where you live? This is where you're from?

[P]

Not where I'm from. Where I live.

[E]

Where are you from originally?

[P]

New Orleans.

[E]

And how long have you been here?

[P]

Well, about six months.

[E]

Okay, six months. And you came here to start stand up comedy?

[P]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

How old are you?

[P]

I am 38.

[E]

So what made you start now?

[P]

My brother. He wanted to get into it and. And he Was like, you go check it out. And so I was like, all right, I will. And for some reason, now I'm doing it. I love it.

[E]

Where does your brother come to all this?

[P]

He's in Baton Rouge.

[E]

He's in Baton Rouge. And he told you that you should do this?

[P]

Well, he. He basically suggested that I look into it, and I took it a little bit more literally. I said, okay, and let me go try stand up. And so I just did just that.

[E]

How's it been going for you?

[P]

Pretty bad.

[E]

But you're having fun doing it?

[P]

I'm having a great time.

[E]

And what do you do for a living?

[P]

Well, right now, I'm in between jobs, but I'm professionally. I'm a firefighter.

[B]

Ooh, a firefighter.

[E]

And you don't have a firefighter job here yet?

[P]

Not yet, no. I've been looking.

[E]

But you were in New Orleans.

[P]

No, I was a firefighter in Houston.

[E]

Oh, okay. All right. Okay. A lot of fires to put out there. What's the bravest, craziest thing you've ever done as a firefighter?

[P]

CPRs, probably. A lot of times. That's probably the saddest thing to see. But it's also, you know, you can get them back.

[E]

And you've gotten people back before.

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

You put your lips right up to their mouth.

[P]

No.

[E]

Now, how do you do?

[P]

But we have something called a bvm. It's a bag valve mask. And we basically put the. The mask onto them, and they get a. A nice equal breath.

[E]

Wow.

[P]

Of oxygen, too.

[H]

Should have put a BVM on this crowd, huh?

[P]

Yeah, right?

[B]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

So firefighting, you ever save a cat in a tree?

[P]

No. A parrot, though.

[B]

A parrot?

[P]

Yeah.

[H]

You didn't need to save it.

[C]

It.

[H]

Right. It's fine.

[L]

I know, right?

[C]

It's good.

[H]

It's good. You ripped it out of a tree. Yeah.

[G]

Were you ever in one of the sexy calendars?

[A]

No.

[P]

No.

[G]

Oh, that's got to hurt.

[P]

I didn't make it.

[G]

The hot guys down at the station, they get to be in the calendar. And you sell them or what?

[P]

Just the hot ones. Do I sell them? No, just.

[H]

You're like the fat cheerleader. You're the bas.

[P]

Yeah.

[G]

You're the big girl waving a flag.

[H]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You look good in suspenders. You're hardy, gentlemen.

[P]

I'll try.

[H]

I'd stroke you.

[P]

I try.

[E]

Have you applied to be a firefighter here in Austin?

[P]

Not in Austin, no. Surrounding areas.

[E]

Is this where you live now?

[P]

It is, yes.

[E]

When did you move exactly? To Austin? No, he was in Houston six months ago, right?

[P]

Yeah, a little over six months ago.

[E]

How long have you been in Austin?

[P]

So about maybe three months.

[E]

Okay. What made you stop off in Houston on your way to Austin?

[P]

Well, long story. Basically, I. I'm coming by way of San Angelo. I lived out in Houston for a little bit, and now I'm just living

[E]

in Austin, you know, by way of San Angelo.

[P]

Yeah. So I lived in. I'm basically from the military. I was in the military as well, so.

[B]

Wow. You're just a hero of many kinds.

[G]

Is that why your brother has sent you on a reconnaissance mission? I'm still very confused by that.

[P]

If.

[I]

If I was.

[H]

I didn't know it, but he wanted. He wanted to do. Stand up and said, you should go check it out.

[L]

Yeah.

[P]

He said I should check it out?

[H]

Yeah. But he wanted to do it.

[P]

But he wanted to do it. Yeah.

[H]

And then he was like, you go first. That's up, basically. He wasn't military or a firefighter, was he?

[P]

No.

[H]

Yeah. Coward.

[G]

Yeah.

[H]

You did this, too. He's still sitting home going, ah, man.

[E]

Man.

[B]

Yeah, right?

[P]

I can't even believe this is happening right now.

[E]

I'm like, what branch of the military were you in?

[P]

The Navy.

[E]

And did you ever get to go on tour?

[P]

I did.

[E]

Where'd you go?

[P]

I did. Went to China, Dubai twice. India, Australia.

[E]

You ever kill any bad guys or just a parrot?

[P]

Nope. Doesn't know bad people.

[E]

Never killed anyone. What'd you do in the Navy, exactly?

[P]

I was something called an az. So. Aviation Maintenance Admin. I'm colorblind.

[E]

You're colorblind?

[P]

I am.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

D Madness is jealous right now.

[B]

It's like colorblind. I don't even know what the A color is.

[H]

What the D. Madness with his regular ass glasses.

[B]

Oh, my God. Where'd you go in Australia?

[G]

You went to Perth.

[B]

I did.

[G]

There's nothing funny about that.

[K]

I'm sorry.

[P]

I'm sorry.

[G]

There's nothing funny about being in Perth. I got nothing.

[P]

Oh, yeah. We called it our Perth day.

[G]

They say the women there are perfect. Yeah, but they're not. They're real hideous trolls, so.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[G]

Raised in Perth.

[H]

Perth.

[E]

I love it.

[G]

Thank you for keeping my country safe. We can't keep the Chinese out on our own. And I want to. I want to say thank you for keeping us. Keeping us secure. Keeping us a democracy. I mean it.

[E]

That is true. Nothing but trouble.

[B]

We're not going to repeat what that guy just said.

[H]

Chill, brother.

[G]

For real, the Chinese government. I was Talking about the Chinese government, not the people.

[E]

Perfect.

[B]

That solves all of our problems. Incoming nuclear bomb.

[E]

Here we go. I love it. So, Trey, on stage, your brother wanted to do stand up. He said, you should check out this show, Kill Tony. And you're like, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna start. Stand up. I'm gonna go to Kill Tony. I'm gonna try to get on. Has your brother even attempted an open mic or anything like that?

[P]

Yes, he has.

[E]

Okay.

[P]

Yes. He's actually. He's pretty funny. He's usually pretty funnier than me. Me, actually.

[H]

Really? So you guys go out. You guys ever. You guys are like the. The Scar brothers. You just go bombs. The opposite of the Scar brothers. Just two guys.

[P]

Like the twins, right?

[H]

Yeah, yeah.

[P]

No, no, we don't do that. They're good.

[E]

Okay.

[H]

I. I wanted to make sure I didn't sound like I was trashing the Scar brothers, but. No, that's.

[K]

Yeah.

[E]

Where does your.

[H]

How the. Did you get your name? Trey on stage?

[P]

Well, my name is Trey Soigne, so.

[H]

Oh, that makes sense.

[L]

Yeah.

[P]

Whenever. Whenever I write S, O, I, G, N, E, T, which is how you spell my name. Nobody ever gets it right. So I kind of made up this.

[H]

I thought you were going to be a black guy.

[P]

Me too.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

Where's your brother at? Is he still in Louisiana?

[P]

He's in Baton Rouge.

[E]

Right, right.

[P]

In Louisiana.

[F]

Yep.

[B]

Yep.

[E]

Beautiful. And he's doing stand up there in one of the worst stand up comedy markets in the entire.

[P]

So he says as well.

[B]

Right?

[E]

Absolutely.

[B]

No, it is. It truly is. It's not like an opinion. It's an actual thing. Nobody goes there anyway.

[E]

Most interesting thing about your life overall. You've been through so much. You're a fireman, you're a veteran. So much stuff. You've been through. The most interesting thing about your entire life overall. What would you say it is?

[P]

I mean, aside from being a firefighter and a veteran? I think I'm a musician.

[B]

No way.

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

What do you do musically?

[P]

Play guitar.

[E]

You really play guitar?

[K]

Yeah.

[B]

How long have you played guitar for?

[H]

I got a feeling he plays the hell out of it.

[E]

I have.

[B]

I kind of have a feeling he does.

[H]

Louisiana. Yeah.

[B]

About.

[P]

About 20 years.

[E]

20 years of playing guitar.

[B]

Matt. Matt Muhling, he doesn't give it up very often, but he wants to hear you as well, hopefully.

[G]

We got.

[B]

Incoming guitar.

[E]

We got the chord. This shit's going down.

[B]

D Madness somehow knew that the guitar was about to hit him in the face. World's Fakest blind person here. Get a little more out there.

[E]

Get up. Get back up there. Let the people see you. Trey, you're on stage.

[B]

Trey on stage.

[E]

Here he is. Oh, there's nothing happening. He lied to us, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, what does he do?

[B]

Do you need a pig?

[J]

Yeah, sure.

[E]

Oh, wow. What a catch. Is there a reason why there's no music coming out of it?

[B]

Whoa. Jesus. All right. Whoa. Matt Muling. What?

[K]

What a.

[B]

What a power monger. Hands over the guitar and just stares at him. Go ahead, play. You could do what I do.

[F]

Sure.

[B]

Guitar player. All right, ladies and gentlemen, from New Orleans, Louisiana, on a mission. He's on a mission to get his brother to kill himself. All right, now do something cool. Do like a cool thing or something.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Trey on stage.

[H]

Trey, you rule, dude.

[B]

I like your style, Trey.

[E]

Not quite a big joke books worth

[B]

of of set, but your interview was

[E]

so good that I don't want to give you a small joke book. So we're going to give you this cool KT rattlesnake keychain made by the Great Bonsai.

[B]

Everything real Texas handmade leather. And there he goes. Trey on stage, everybody. We do have a special treat for you, ladies and gentlemen right now, an action packed episode. And you're about to meet another one of the rotating new regulars. He's doing a guest spot right here, right now. In this position, a freak of nature from the great country of Estonia. This is a brand new minute from Ari Mati, ladies and gentlemen. Ari Matti.

[O]

Hello, Austin. How are we? Amazing. I went to that cafe yesterday, sitting there, and then I overheard a couple having an argument. You know when you hear that sweet nectar of life. You know when you like pause your own music? And they're going at. And then I look who the couple is, it's two gay guys going at it. Shit was crazy. They, like, both made sense. Everybody stayed on one topic. Nobody was bringing up old shit. Just two logical superior brains trying to find a solution.

[B]

Thank you very much. Thank you. He's a beast. An absolute Estonian monster. Thank you.

[E]

The cold blooded Estonian assassin.

[O]

Thank you, Tony.

[B]

Oh, God, that was beautiful.

[E]

What a work of art, that joke.

[H]

Yeah, you should have held on to that. That was like a special joke. That was like. That's a really good joke.

[O]

Yeah, I started doing it maybe last week and I thought, why not whip it out?

[H]

Yeah,

[B]

Ari, Matty, he's a freak.

[E]

Like, he's got tons of this unbelievable material.

[B]

He's in a race to get his green card.

[E]

He has to be Famous within the next nine months.

[O]

Now it's eight months.

[B]

Oh, it's eight months already. The clock is ticking fast. He's going by an Estonian calendar. Last week it was nine months. Now a week later it's eight months. It's absolutely incredible how fast time moves with you. So how's the adventure going, Ari?

[O]

Matty, I have something like a. What's the expression? A bone for picking with Tony.

[B]

You have a bone to pick?

[E]

You have a bone.

[O]

So you are telling me the other day that this show gets you pussy?

[B]

Your episode hasn't come out yet, Ari.

[L]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, hit me.

[O]

Okay, that makes sense now. I was being weird to some girls this weekend. I was like, ari from Gil.

[B]

Tony who? You're gonna be just fine.

[H]

I am on YouTube. I have a YouTube.

[B]

Don't tell them about your wife.

[G]

This is not a character. This is who you really are.

[O]

What do you mean, a character?

[B]

I know.

[G]

I just.

[H]

I'm saying, like, James is from fucking New Jersey. He's from New Jersey.

[G]

I met you, like, a week ago backstage and I saw your act. And then I went on and I came backstage and backstage you were like, how was it? I do not watch you do comedy.

[B]

I was like, all right.

[G]

Committed.

[B]

Look at these two having an immigrant off everybody.

[E]

How exciting.

[H]

Yeah, it's gotta suck, dude. A funnier accent

[G]

kills me. It's much better when he talks about homeless people.

[I]

It's.

[B]

Ari is a monster.

[E]

Ari.

[B]

Maddie, an unbelievable beast.

[E]

I mean, everybody here is a huge fan. Adam, the booker here. Absolutely.

[I]

Yeah.

[O]

Everybody's like, super nice.

[E]

Yeah, we love. We love the funniest people.

[B]

We love.

[E]

We love fucking working with other freaks. How is. How's life going? Other than the Kiltoni world? How's being in Austin?

[O]

I think I went to Barton Springs.

[B]

Oh,

[E]

the cold waters of Barton Springs.

[O]

Hung out with, like 14,000 Mexicans.

[B]

Yeah,

[O]

Tony, these people like to party.

[B]

Yes, they do.

[E]

One, two, three, four. Okay, I guess.

[B]

There you go. There are red bands on it.

[E]

Normally. The Mexicans are ready to work. Not tonight.

[B]

Okay. Damn.

[E]

Uno dos Reyes quattro.

[B]

The middle one put his horn up to his mouth. When you hit that, it looked like the middle one.

[H]

Yo, that was bad, man.

[E]

That's Fernando Castillo. Am I right?

[B]

Yeah, I had a 50. 50 shot at that.

[K]

I got it.

[B]

Right,

[E]

so tell us more about the Mexicans partying at Barton.

[O]

No, it was, like, great. But you know what? I'm obsessed with Tony recently.

[E]

Tell me.

[O]

I love fat tits.

[E]

Well.

[O]

And I don't know what happened with, like, The Asian American girls. But something went terribly right. Dude, I don't even have a yellow fever. I have a yellow migraine, you know what I'm saying? Just can't stop thinking about Asian American tits. You know what I'm saying?

[E]

So you're saying that Asian women have big tits?

[O]

Like Asian American, you know, super white

[H]

accent, you know, they got thick. I saw it happen. I was in Philly. I was.

[G]

And there was one summer when they inflated.

[H]

I lived near Drexel and I would go there and they were all, yeah, you could see it coming. And I predicted this. It was like I was like the Al Gore of thick Asians. I was like, this is coming and it's going to be a problem.

[G]

John the Baptist of thick.

[B]

Kids, this is incredible.

[E]

I might be the last to know about this. Our senior Asian woman correspondent Brian Redb is here.

[A]

Janice, get away from this, man.

[E]

Yes, everyone knows Janice and her fat tits.

[G]

Fat big ass titties.

[H]

Yeah, now he's got the old model, which is fine. Which is great.

[E]

So have you been with an Asian woman before?

[O]

No, I have not.

[E]

Have you ever kissed an Asian woman?

[O]

I met one.

[E]

You met one?

[O]

When I was like, backpacking. But no, I haven't.

[B]

Is there an Asian woman? Oh, we got two Asian women right here. Is there a hero somewhere? Would you come up and give Ari Maddie a kiss? Either one of you. We've never had an Asian. No, I'm not gonna force you, but if you want to, you'll be a hero.

[O]

You don't have to lay lady.

[B]

You want to. Emotionless, Emotionless Asian.

[O]

No, it's okay.

[G]

I hear that Asian women have ice cold. Is that true?

[B]

It seems like it.

[G]

They have the lowest temperature V any.

[B]

Seems like we may have found some cold Asian women here tonight.

[E]

Any other Asian women out there? Nope. Okie dokie. Wait, what?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

What the.

[H]

That's pretty funny. Get up here.

[B]

Whoa, she does that. Hold on. Wait a second. Those are massive tits.

[H]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Wait, come up here, lady. Come on up here. Oh, Ari. We could. We could just get her to pull her out sideways for you. It's gonna be amazing. Oh, my God. There are some money bags headed to this stage right now. Jesus Christ.

[G]

You said you weren't getting girls.

[B]

James, look over there. You're not even looking. James, what's wrong with you?

[O]

What do I do?

[H]

You know what to do.

[C]

Dude, don't back down.

[B]

Now those things.

[H]

You were gonna kiss that lady. Now where's that courage? You better kiss her good night. Good Night.

[B]

Those tits are so fat. Hold on a second. Just give me a second here. Hold on, hold on. Let me just say.

[E]

Those things are so massive that they barely fit in there.

[B]

Someone has not laid off the Lean Cuisine pizzas.

[H]

She has a wood fire pizza.

[B]

What?

[H]

She has a mobile wood fire pizza oven. That's why she has. That's why she's got massive dicks.

[B]

Okay, what's your name? What's your name, sweetheart?

[L]

But.

[E]

Ari, put the mic up to her mouth.

[O]

Nina.

[E]

Nina.

[B]

Sorry.

[E]

Oh, my. Nina, what would you do with a little Estonian boy like Ari, Matty, if given the opportunity.

[H]

Oh my God.

[E]

Take him to eat pizza.

[H]

Eat pizza.

[B]

I love pizza.

[H]

Well, let's see how much you love it.

[B]

Now, what size?

[E]

What size? Guys, are those boobs? I don't think you actually know, cuz that shirt's small. But what? What?

[B]

The last time I checked, they were

[E]

a size H. Size H. Now, luckily

[B]

we have a physician's assistant here too.

[E]

Do those look like H's to you? All right, they agree that it's H. And what do you do for work? I have a mobile wood fired pizza. Oh, you really do?

[B]

I thought that was a joke. I thought you were riffing. How did. How did you know she had a mobile?

[H]

I could tell.

[J]

You know,

[H]

I had a feeling she had a golf cart with a pizza oven on it.

[B]

Hold on a second.

[H]

Obviously she said it. I didn't. Guess

[G]

who's hitting at every mobile pizza oven in town.

[C]

Oh, Nina.

[H]

Yeah, I know her. Go. Give me the regular giantess.

[E]

Nina, have you ever kissed an Estonian boy before? No. Have you ever?

[O]

Nina, get in here.

[B]

Okay.

[O]

Are you also a citizen?

[B]

Yes.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

American pussy.

[H]

I love it.

[C]

It.

[B]

Hell yeah. All right, Maddie. One step closer to getting his green card. He's only got seven months left before. Before time runs out. Shane.

[G]

Shane saw something he likes.

[B]

He's going to. Shane.

[G]

He's going to pick up on that wood farm pizza.

[B]

Shane just went to rape Nina, everybody. Ari.

[E]

Maddie, you're so much fun. You're such a great sport.

[B]

Everybody adores you and I'm so glad you're part of the squad here. Make some noise for Ari. Maddie, everybody. You're watching a star be made in real time on this show. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Hell yeah. There you go. See, that's Heidi. That's a. No pizza ovens on that one. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we got to keep it moving along while Shane goes to the bathroom. We're going to get 60 seconds uninterrupted from Chen, everybody. Chen.

[E]

Wait.

[J]

Someone was looking for Asian American boobies. I have just missed the boat. I went kayaking recently. If you don't trust Asians with a

[P]

car,

[J]

maybe you shouldn't trust Asians with a boat. If liking your own Facebook post is a form of masturbation, then having your mom like your Facebook post is a form of incest. People often associate veterans with ptsd. I'm more worried about the ones with fond memories. Let's see. Let's do one more.

[B]

You want to do one more, Chen?

[J]

Okay, I'll do one more.

[G]

Okay, one more.

[J]

Therapy is expensive. That's why I trauma dump on unsuspecting audiences at comedy clubs.

[G]

Thank you.

[B]

There you go. It's true. Therapy is expensive.

[E]

That's why if you go to talkspace.com promo code Tony, they do something really great for you. It's really unbelievable. That's right. You can. Yeah, there you go. It's right there. Click on that thing. Nope, go back down. Right there? Yeah. You get $80 off your first month and you show your support for the show. That's right. Promo code space80. Talkspace.com Tony. So thanks for bringing that up, Chen.

[B]

Okay, so, Chen, you've been on this show before.

[E]

I remember you. I don't forget many transgendered Asian women

[B]

that also appear to be Native American.

[E]

Tell us, how's life been going? Chen, how long you been on stand up now?

[J]

Since September last year.

[E]

Another person that started in September of last year? Absolutely.

[J]

September 4th.

[E]

Okay, September 4th. Not to be confused with September 11th.

[B]

Hey, look who's back. Shane Gillis bringing a six pack. Yeah.

[E]

So this is Chen. She's a transgender Asian woman.

[H]

Oh, fuck. No, I'm just kidding. How's it going?

[J]

Good. I remember your skit as Bob Isis. That was awesome.

[H]

Thank you very much. I knew I liked you.

[P]

Yeah.

[E]

Hell, yeah. So, Chen, tell us more about your life. What's been going on?

[J]

So I think comedy is the best thing that happened to me recently because I don't know if you know about the Jim Carrey's movie where he couldn't lie. Ever since I started doing comedy, I couldn't say no. So I have been.

[G]

It's a different Jim Carrey movie. Does he put a mask on at the end of that? No, I'm just kidding.

[E]

Are you also a pet detective?

[B]

All right.

[J]

I do love pets.

[E]

Yeah. You ever save a parrot from a tree?

[B]

Okie dokie.

[H]

What type of pet?

[E]

Yeah.

[H]

Huh.

[G]

Well, Shane is the most obsessed with cats of anyone. I've ever hung out with before the show. He was just looking at pictures of cats and I just.

[H]

I want. I would like. I also like dogs. I'm not.

[E]

Yeah, well, Chen, I do believe wishes he had a. So this makes sense. Well, I. Okie dokie.

[B]

Somehow that was the world's saddest, best transgender joke ever. I cannot.

[H]

I can't believe you just got audible

[B]

O from saying that. A person that wishes they had a. Wish they had a pussy.

[H]

Not here. Not on this show. Dude, that's fucked up. That's wrong.

[J]

Yeah, that's all dicks here.

[H]

Yeah.

[E]

All dicks.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

You have a penis?

[J]

Yeah, I still have one, unfortunately.

[G]

Are you really a transgender Asian?

[J]

Yeah, I just don't wear it.

[G]

No, it's just cuz usually they'd be lady boys, but you're more of like a skank man.

[B]

I mean, I do not. That's allowed. But my stupid joke. Out in awe.

[H]

You don't. You don't have a funny accent. You're actually more of a skank man. American accent. That's extremely offensive.

[B]

I say it with love.

[H]

Nothing but laughter. You can do it.

[G]

This is every day at pool, basketball at this house. Oh, you're.

[M]

I've got.

[B]

I don't.

[H]

I don't call anybody.

[G]

I can do an American accent. I can do Shane's accent. That's the one I've been doing. You suck.

[H]

That's pretty good.

[B]

You can't.

[G]

You can't do our accent. America is number one.

[F]

That's.

[H]

Nah, you.

[B]

America.

[G]

How do you say America?

[H]

America. America. America. Dude, say it with some respect, dude.

[G]

This country. America.

[C]

America. America.

[B]

We're number one. We're number one. We're number one. Hell yeah, we're number one. Ari. Maddie's from Estonia right now. Somewhere.

[E]

He's like, we're number 134.

[H]

We are also NATO, so we also support your missile silos, anti air defense you place in Estonia. Oh, did I. What else did I miss? How'd it go? I didn't hear. Would you say it went well? I missed it.

[Q]

Oh.

[L]

Oh.

[J]

I was just saying. I was saying yes to everything.

[H]

No, no, no. I meant the set. How'd the set go? I missed it.

[J]

Oh.

[E]

Oh.

[J]

How did the set go? I think it was better than the first time I did it.

[H]

All right, nice.

[J]

That's.

[H]

That's all it takes. Yeah, just keep doing that. Just keep doing that.

[E]

That's right. Chen, remind us, what do you do for a living?

[J]

I do it for a bank.

[E]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[H]

And now you're totally unfirable. I don't know. I bet. I bet you made it look. Yeah, I bet all of a sudden, everyone got real quiet around you.

[E]

I love it. So, Chen, you're. Are you transitioning? Is that the terminology?

[J]

Yes. I take hormones every day.

[E]

Okay, so you're taking hormones like estrogen?

[J]

Yes, and spirolactone to block testosterone.

[E]

Okay.

[H]

I heard when you take those, you get a little horny.

[J]

Horny comes differently now.

[L]

Yeah.

[H]

How does it come. How's it coming now?

[E]

Are you. Are you so horny?

[J]

Well, got me so horny. Right?

[C]

You.

[E]

Yes.

[G]

Have you been taking these hormones for long time or short time?

[P]

Do.

[B]

Does your dick get wet when you're horny?

[E]

Like, what happens?

[B]

Red man asks an actual weird question. We're all making jokes. Jokes here. Oh, does your dick get wet?

[H]

Do it with Australian accent.

[E]

Do it in Australian accent.

[B]

Let's see if it's funnier if you do it. Well, there's obviously a female job.

[E]

Great job. So tell us more about this transition.

[J]

Okay. Okay. It does get wet.

[B]

Wait, it does.

[J]

It does get wet.

[E]

Your dick gets wet?

[I]

Yeah, like, tore.

[A]

Do you get wet?

[B]

Holy red bands are. Senior Asian transgender correspondent.

[H]

Yes.

[B]

By the way, that. That sound bite I did, was the

[A]

guy that died from a stingray saying, okay, well, there's obviously a female around.

[H]

Yeah.

[B]

Very good. Way to kill your own momentum.

[E]

It's unbelievable.

[B]

So, okay, I don't even know where to begin here.

[E]

When you say your dick gets wet, it, like, sweats when you get excited, when you get. Get turned on, you know.

[J]

You know the area where they. You know that.

[H]

Talking about preum, bro.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no.

[H]

That rules. Everybody gets that.

[J]

Like, you know the area in your circumcision area. I didn't get the circumcision. But the area gets wet.

[E]

That area gets wet.

[I]

Yeah.

[H]

It's just schmeck and.

[J]

And the best part. But the.

[G]

But if you take a shower, that goes away.

[E]

So you're talking about the shaft of your penis?

[J]

No. So you know how you have a dick and then there's, like, the. There's, like, the skin that goes around it.

[H]

Well.

[J]

Well, it's that.

[E]

Like the penis head.

[J]

Yeah, like, that neck area gets the neck area. Yeah.

[B]

Holy. The gutter.

[H]

Be honest, man. That's disgusting.

[B]

A neck.

[E]

I have never heard of the.

[B]

The neck before. I didn't realize. Can your dick go like this?

[E]

Can I go?

[F]

Okay.

[J]

When it's being abused? Yes.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

Whoa. Oh, my God. You ever pull a Mike Tyson on

[E]

somebody in the bedroom. Okay, so Chen, what makes the neck

[B]

of your dick get wet?

[E]

Tell us, what turns someone like Chen on?

[J]

Believe it or not, despite being trans, I think hetero relationships are the best.

[H]

Best.

[E]

So you're.

[B]

What the hell?

[E]

Wait, why are you going through all this trouble if you're. Hold on, I'm confused.

[J]

No, no, I'm okay with being either the guy or the women in the relationship, but I don't like. I don't do like, bi or gay.

[G]

I agree. That's gross. That's wrong.

[E]

Go ahead, Shane.

[B]

No, no, no. Ask that question. I want to know.

[H]

I always like your question about to be supportive, dude. Yeah, fucking go do whatever's a fuck.

[E]

So when you say hetero, that means you're into women?

[J]

I'm into women and I'm into guys. But if I'm into guys, I want to be the women in the relationship.

[E]

Like, right?

[J]

Like, I don't want to be like a guy. Guy, relationship, relationship. Right, right.

[B]

D Madness is losing his mind right now. Famous resident homophobe D Madness. He is not shy about. He is literally madness.

[H]

By the way, she's hot. Just. If that helps you. She's hot as.

[B]

Absolutely incredible.

[E]

So your most recent hookup, can you just give us an example of like,

[B]

what that was like and who that was with?

[E]

Do you do that? You do, like, one night stands?

[J]

Okay, so I tried dating apps. It went really bad. That's why I downloaded Grindr. And then I spent.

[B]

Hold on. We don't need the Indiana Jones scene for this.

[J]

Then I did a week of crazy sex.

[E]

Okay, now let's just stop there for a second.

[H]

Yeah, let's focus on that.

[B]

Yeah, we're gonna.

[E]

We're gonna stick with the week of crazy sex. You found that person on Grindr?

[L]

Yes.

[E]

And what was that? That was a man.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

That treated you like a woman.

[J]

Yes.

[E]

So you like, make him sandwiches and stuff or what you like?

[J]

Oh, I do more than sandwiches.

[B]

Okay, tell us. Tell us everything that you do. Tell us what? What a week long sex escapade with

[J]

Chen is like, I feed you very well and we go to shows.

[H]

Whoa, sounds really nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

What kind of shows?

[J]

He's into wwe. So we've been to San Antonio and.

[E]

Wait, is this me?

[B]

Was I vibing?

[H]

Did I. I thought it was Lamar. You ever meet Lair? All right.

[B]

Right.

[G]

Hell, might be able to set you up with somebody.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Lair would make your dick neck sweat.

[E]

So you met a guy on Grindr. How does it start? Do you go to his place? He Goes to yours?

[J]

I. I do go to his place, but he lives with his mom and siblings.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[J]

So. So it's really secretive, so that makes

[H]

it way more fun, dude.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You two not.

[H]

That's way more fun. Secret.

[J]

Oh, he's actually a special EDS teacher.

[H]

Oh, thank God. That teacher at the end was big.

[E]

So he's a special ed teacher who. What does he tell his parents when you go to his house? Did he tell you, like. Oh, I just said we're gonna play video games.

[J]

No, everybody's asleep, so.

[E]

Oh, you sneak in.

[J]

I know, I know.

[E]

Do you go. Do you go in the front door, or do you take it in the back door?

[H]

Both. Both.

[B]

Wow. Incredible.

[E]

So you go up to his room, and you guys are quiet and sneaky?

[J]

No, Once the doors close, we get as loud as we want.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Wow.

[E]

And so now let me ask you something. Because you're transitioning into being a woman, can you use your penis? It gets hard.

[J]

I mean, how do I put it?

[E]

Is this okay that I'm asking this?

[B]

Okay, good.

[E]

I don't want to be fucking.

[J]

It's one of those things where if you don't use it, you lose it. So every now and then, I would use it because I don't want to lose it, not because I want it, you know?

[L]

Right.

[H]

Don't you want to lose it?

[B]

Well, okay.

[H]

I thought that was Okay. I meant that genuinely.

[J]

You. You actually hit a really good point,

[B]

because that is literally the greatest point ever. That was the. The glove don't fit point of this interview.

[J]

Because what happens is I. I did look into transition.

[B]

You do want to lose it. That was amazing.

[H]

But you're still jacking. Jacking off's nice.

[J]

It is. It is.

[B]

Yeah.

[H]

Come on, man. You still got that dog in you.

[B]

There is a little dog in here,

[J]

but pretty much, if you look at the surgeries they have nowadays, it essentially creates a wound that's constantly closing. So I can't imagine my life. I'm not well off.

[E]

Just to keep everybody posted, I just made eye contact with a physician's assistant, and she went like this.

[B]

She literally does not want me to bring her into this right now at all.

[G]

Nice.

[B]

And I just got the. You are correct gun from her. It's okay, Chad.

[H]

It's like risking. It's risky these days.

[J]

Well, risky is one. Like, you can control your piss. That's in, like, if you just randomly piss yourself. That always sucks.

[H]

I almost did. I delete.

[B]

Yeah, I love that you called it piss, but.

[J]

But also like, imagine having to sit on the dildo for hours a day to stop it from.

[H]

Well, I've thought about it.

[E]

You have to do it for hours a day.

[H]

Sit on a dildo. You don't want the wound right now you're a girl. Gotta go home and sit on a dildo for hours a day. Congratulations. Why are you sitting on dildos? What are you talking about?

[G]

Because it's a wound that wants to heal.

[H]

Oh, you got a dildo?

[G]

Artificially keep the pussy big.

[H]

I see.

[G]

Yeah. So I've done a lot of research myself under this topic,

[B]

the slow microphone. Sit down after. Oh, Chen, you are always one of

[E]

the best interviews in the show. So where are we at with all this? What's the next move? You're on the blockers and you're on the estrogen. What are you looking forward to the most in your transition?

[J]

Honestly, I'm kind of happy the way I am because for me to become.

[E]

There you go.

[F]

Yeah.

[H]

Must be nice, Chen. Must be nice,

[J]

because for me. For me to actually move forward, my life has to change. So I'm sort of waiting on my life to change before I can move forward with any of this.

[E]

In what way are you waiting for your life to change?

[J]

Like, for instance, like. Well, my. The person I'm seeing after Deep Madness's

[B]

angry scoffs are becoming more and more aggressive as this interview goes longer. A lot of you have no idea because he doesn't have a microphone in front of his face. But literally with every question.

[E]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

Son of a.

[H]

It is, like, for real having my dad behind us. The. Jesus Christ. Don't worry about the haters. Do you know? Yeah, you have to get that.

[J]

All right, Just so you know, angry sex is pretty good.

[H]

Oh, yeah.

[G]

Everybody knows that.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah, that's. That's natural.

[B]

So, yes, I know Red.

[E]

Red Band's pointing out that this interview

[B]

has lasted 19 minutes, but Chen is so goddamn interesting. It's very, very. You already have a big joke book, correct?

[J]

Yes, I already have a big joke book.

[E]

Absolutely. And you're putting it to good use, it seems.

[B]

Oh, are we playing him off?

[E]

Is that what we're doing?

[G]

Okay.

[E]

Oh, it's okay. Chen, any last words?

[J]

I love everyone here, And comedy is the best thing that has happened to me thus far.

[B]

Yeah. Make some noise for Chen, everybody. Hell, yeah.

[E]

There goes Chen with a hell yeah. Absolutely. There goes Chen, everybody.

[H]

Yes.

[B]

It's a firm handshake on that lady.

[H]

Who I smoke.

[B]

All right. Final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Goes by the name of Quentin Jones makes noise for Quinton Jones, everyone.

[Q]

Ah, man, I'm happy to be here, man. I feel good because I'm actually going through a breakup right now. And I don't. I don't really miss my ex. I just miss parts of the relationship. Like, I miss how we didn't use condoms. That was a real fun part of the relationship. And now that I'm single, I'm dealing with, like, this whole condom economy, where you gotta, like, have the condom at the right time and show it at the right time. And I don't think that's fair for guys because I believe that women hate condoms more than men.

[E]

Like y' all do. Like, thank you.

[Q]

You can clap, you know, But. Because even the woman that wants you to use one, she doesn't want to see it until y' all about to do it. And I know that because on one of the first dates I went on, I pulled my wallet out to pay condom falls on the ground. And she caught an attitude with me. She was like, huh, what's that for? I'm like, it's for fucking what you think it's for. I don't understand why you acting so weird. You think I carry around oily balloons to make you a dog? I don't understand. It's like women expect condoms to appear out of thin air. It's like you're about to have sex and they want to stop you and be like, hey, do you have a condom?

[K]

We got.

[B]

Hell, yeah, girl.

[Q]

It's been behind your ear the entire time.

[B]

Fuck yeah. Quinton Jones.

[Q]

What's up, Tone?

[B]

Making his Kill Tony debut.

[Q]

Yes, sir. First day, like, first week in Austin, man. Just got here.

[B]

I love it. Hell, yeah.

[E]

Where'd you come from?

[Q]

So I'm from Detroit, but I've done comedy. What up, though?

[K]

What up?

[Q]

I'm from Detroit.

[G]

Started coming.

[B]

Are you talking to the pizza lady out there? What up, doe?

[J]

Hey.

[Q]

With a Dennis Robin jersey. What up, though, man?

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, okay. There's a guy in a Pistons jersey right there.

[Q]

A Dennis Rodman jersey. That's a four time defensive player of the year, man.

[B]

Sit down. The old Detroit Mexican over there. A rare bird. A parrot in a tree, if you will.

[E]

So, Quinton, you just got here this week. Here you are on the biggest comedy show in the world. How long you been doing stand up?

[Q]

Been doing this six years.

[B]

Wow.

[H]

Yep.

[E]

All in Detroit. That's where you were born and raised?

[Q]

No, I started comedy in Seattle. And y' all heard about Seattle and people there and White people and then New York and now here's.

[E]

Okay. Welcome, welcome. You're already set up? You have a place to live?

[Q]

No, I'm staying on my friend's couch, so.

[B]

Okay.

[Q]

Hopefully I find a place soon. That would be nice.

[E]

That's how it starts. What do you do for a living?

[Q]

So I'm a part time software engineer. So I used to work for Microsoft. Work for Nordstrom.

[B]

Yeah, everyone says that.

[Q]

Like. Yeah, we coded Nordstrom. Kind of my job was to like the emails. When you buy something, we just keep harassing you. Yeah, that's my job. So.

[H]

Software engineer. Yeah, just bother people with emails.

[E]

Is that what you want to do for work?

[Q]

No, I want to do this right. This is my dream. So, you know, love doing it. Happy to be here, man.

[E]

Right? Amazing stuff. Quentin, tell us more about your life. What else are you into? Other than standup comedy?

[Q]

Other than stand up comedy? Wrestling. So I heard you say that in the back. I'm a big wrestling fan. Shout out to Yeet.

[B]

Okay.

[E]

Oh, all right. What up though?

[Q]

You know. So I'm a big wrestling fan from Detroit. Went to University of Michigan. I was a cheerleader. Go blue. We gonna beat y' all ass.

[H]

If you from here this year, you'll never win again. You'll never win again. You cheated this year. It's over.

[B]

Yeah, it's true.

[Q]

Then we beat y' all by like 31.

[B]

Notre Dame.

[H]

When?

[B]

Oh, oh.

[Q]

20, 19.

[H]

Oh, okay.

[Q]

We beat the out of you.

[H]

I was at the game. We beat you 31. Nothing. It's not a big deal.

[Q]

That's how I was drunk on that one. I got had amnesia.

[H]

I was actually. Not that anyone cares. I was on stage. I was doing a show that game. Notre Dame, Michigan. And I went right before I went on stage. It was like a close game. I came off, it was like 31 nothing. I was devastated. Anyway, I knew that was a terrible thing to say. No one cares, but it happens.

[B]

That one's happened to me with. It was State. Illinois.

[H]

Oh, yeah. He's in Ohio State.

[B]

Man. We. When we lost.

[Q]

You're in years in a row, man.

[E]

We're both Buckeyes, me and Red.

[Q]

That's unfor. So here's a fun thing. I was actually a cheerleader at Michigan.

[B]

Red band. Right on cue. Completely making up for everything. He said that this entire episode with one button push.

[H]

No, you were right about that one thing.

[B]

Yeah, the dick sweat was incredible.

[H]

And then you blew it. And then you blew it. But you were red.

[E]

Wow. So you were Throwing little white girls up in the air.

[Q]

Yes, I was. Yes, I was living MLK's dream. I think that was part of it.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely. Abs Godamn lutely. That is awesome.

[H]

What year. What years were you there?

[Q]

So I cheered from 2013 to 2015.

[H]

Oh, nice.

[Q]

So I actually went to the shoe for Cardell when you guys won the Natty Cardell Jones.

[E]

That's us.

[Q]

Yeah, yeah. Like, so he literally ran a touchdown to my face and said, oh, Buckeyes. And I was like, damn, bro.

[E]

That's right.

[H]

That's gotta be the worst time to be a male cheerleader. When a quarterback from the other team's like, what's up?

[B]

A 6 foot 7 quarterback.

[H]

You got a megaphone in your hand, like, oh, dang, Gummet. I never thought about that. Another opposing player run to the sideline. Seeing you be like, what's all. That's devastating.

[B]

Shotgun. Cardell Jones. Jones. Massive, massive, massive, man.

[Q]

Didn't want to play school, huh? He said that was his thing. He didn't want to play school.

[E]

He didn't want to play school.

[Q]

Never mind.

[H]

Yeah, he's going to play football, not school.

[B]

Oh, right.

[H]

He wasn't. He didn't hit the books.

[G]

Yeah,

[E]

yeah, yeah, no doubt about it. What did you major in?

[Q]

Software engineering. Computer science.

[B]

Lovely, lovely, lovely, lovely.

[H]

All right. You also did. I thought you were being pandering because he was black. I thought like, oh, this is very nice.

[B]

Is that what you do? You're a software engineer?

[H]

Well, I do more IT system engineering.

[Q]

So you don't engineer anything. You just fix broken Man.

[G]

You send emails to people we heard.

[H]

Feels like Cardell scoring again, doesn't it?

[B]

I love it.

[E]

Quinton, what's your love life like?

[Q]

Single right now. Like I said, been single for about three, four months.

[E]

Okay.

[Q]

I got off the apps. Cause it was just like, I paid for the apps. And then when I saw who liked me after paying for the apps, I was like, I gotta do better, right?

[B]

Exactly.

[H]

They can't tell you're funny on an app.

[K]

No, they can.

[Q]

They can't.

[H]

I tried myself and not great.

[Q]

But they always like, I want somebody to make me laugh. And they're like, left.

[E]

There's nothing worse than getting a DM

[B]

on an app that says, I want

[E]

to suck your dick. And you click on the profile and it's Chen.

[H]

I gotta be honest with you. I bet Shen goes hard.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, no doubt about it. Can you imagine one of these nights that Dad's gonna wake up that Dad's Gonna wake up to the sound of his sight Son's headboard in the middle. Red band has caught fire, ladies and gentlemen. Do it. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday, man. Hey, Make some goddamn noise for Quentin Jones. His first week in Aust in Texas, and he's already working. Quinton Jones, ladies and gentlemen, just got

[E]

booked on a real comedy show here on Thursday night at the Secret Show.

[B]

And now we've come to that part of the night where only one way we could possibly put a ribbon on this thing, and that is with the living, breathing member of the Kill Tony hall of Fame, an absolute legend. The record holder for all time appearances, all time interviews. He is the real deal. The Big Red Machine. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed William Montgomery. Did.

[M]

Did anybody else hear this? Aaliyah wasn't wearing a seat belt. You know, it's this old Palestine, Israel debacle. I heard somebody say, what we need now more than ever is Jesus. And I feel like if Jesus were to descend from heaven, he'd be a little torn because on one hand you have the guys who think if you could be jihad, you get 99 virgins in heaven, and on the other side, you got the guys who sent you to heaven.

[D]

Yeah.

[M]

Okay, computer. That is my impression of a sarcastic Radiohead fan. That's a pretty good one, I think. All right. I asked my cousin, didn't you start an Onlyfans for your dog? And he said, it's a coyote, you dumbass. Okay, that's my time ending on that one.

[B]

Fuck, yeah. William Montgomery coming in, guns a blazing, Looking better than ever, I must say.

[H]

Do you have.

[D]

Thanks so much.

[M]

I feel pretty good. I feel like Phoenix changed me a little. I was in Phoenix this past weekend.

[H]

Do you actually have pierced nipples?

[M]

Yeah, I got my nipples pierced in Phoenix this past week, and they're really. They're super, super sore right now. But do you want to feel them, sir? I mean, they're totally real. No, feel them, dumbass. You look like me, kind of. Yeah, they feel real, right?

[G]

They do look the same. I've been getting that a lot.

[M]

And they look the same. They are getting that a lot.

[B]

Okay.

[M]

I can't really do Australian.

[G]

I mean, seeing it on you. I'm gonna get a haircut now that I know. Nah, you look great.

[M]

Gotta get a haircut.

[B]

Okay.

[G]

I could do your fucking do it.

[M]

Let's hear it.

[G]

I'm a big rage.

[B]

Well, good night. Okay.

[M]

I'll see y' all later.

[B]

No, no, no. Come on, William. Come on, William.

[M]

It's like I get my fucking nipples pierced. I'm trying to fucking impress everybody tonight. And then we got the Australian fucking making fun of my fucking ass.

[G]

You bet. You sexually assaulted me. You got me to touch your swole, puffy nipple. They look good. I want you to know they look good.

[M]

Thank you. That's all I was going for. So thanks.

[E]

Now, William, there's men in the audience yelling. Show them.

[M]

Maybe one. Yeah, maybe one. I'll just. Really quick, really quick.

[H]

I was like. I was genuinely like, oh, no, dude, that's crazy. Crazy. Yeah, that's good. All right.

[B]

I'm glad.

[H]

I'm glad we can still be friends.

[M]

I shouldn't have showed him. You just messed that up, you dumbass. In the Pistons jersey. Thank you, sir.

[B]

Shut up.

[M]

Yeah, yeah. Thank you, sir.

[E]

Okay, so, William, now the shirt. Now what made you wear the shirt tonight? It's very interesting because I thought I

[M]

would just accentuate my nipples. I didn't really necessarily have another shirt that really of kind get accentuated. And I've started doing a jazzer size thing and I wear this to jazzer size. But, yeah, I wore it tonight. I thought it was.

[E]

You're clapping for Jazzercise. Red band. Would you like to explain that?

[B]

I don't think you like jazz or exercise, so this is all to me.

[A]

I used to date a jazzer size girl.

[B]

Yeah, I haven't heard that one.

[G]

Yeah, I did, too.

[M]

I think your mom did jazz. Yeah, I think she used to do that in the 90s.

[B]

Holy shit.

[M]

She was looking tight back then. Red band. I don't know if you remember that,

[E]

but

[M]

yeah, Tony, I mean, it was. Phoenix was a lot of fun and got this stuff done. And actually, it's a miracle. I went to the dermatologist today and now I'm actually gonna get skin cancer again. But the lady thought it wasn't skin cancer, so I didn't have to go under the knife today. Almost went under the knife today, so. It's a miracle. We have a miracle on our hands, people.

[E]

Luckily, we have a physician's assistant here who. Have you dealt with skin cancer before? Yeah. Would you like to come up and give a close look to William Montgomery's face?

[B]

Come on up. Come. Come on. Here she comes, everybody. A real physician's assistant. You've been hearing her reference throughout the night. Here she comes.

[E]

Comes.

[B]

Everybody's standing up the wrong direction, holding her up, just setting picks and blocking her. This is incredible. How many of you love Physicians assistance. She coming.

[M]

Let's see what she says. Tony, again.

[B]

I don't know. The woman could be wrong, but here she comes, everybody. No, don't kiss her, William.

[M]

Normally people are kissing up here. Oh, yeah, Right here.

[E]

All right, so she's looking at it. She's looking at it. Talking. Give her the microphone. Liquid nitrogen might help. Oh, a little liquid nitrogen. With some liquid nitrogen. I could burn that with some liquid nitrogen.

[B]

God. Thank God.

[M]

Okay, good.

[H]

No, thank you. You know, I said, thank God you didn't kiss. I was trying to sport you. You're so eager to turn on everyone with your nasty ass nipples.

[B]

Well, it's who I am.

[M]

I feel saucy tonight. I feel.

[H]

Why you so saucy? I saw you checking out your tip.

[D]

I started playing.

[M]

I started playing Pokemon. I'm not. I've never played Pokemon in my life. And I got. Tony, I got the. You might not like this, Tony, but I got a Game Boy and it has all the Pokemon games. And I have been. When I went to Phoenix. I'm a level 50 something. It's the one that looks like a smoke cloud. I'm a level 50 smoke cloud.

[G]

Explain.

[H]

By the way, D D Madness was impressed by level 50. You go. Up you go. I'm level 50. Goes.

[C]

Oh,

[E]

physician's assistant. One more time. Do you think it's cancerous or would you just think you burn it off with liquid nitrogen? No matter what, be held responsible for any medical decisions. We're not going to. We're not going to see you with some liquid nitrogen. I don't know. I'm from Canada, so I have no. Oh, she's a Canadian. Physician's here anyway, so.

[M]

Is that why you have that bad body odor up here? Is that coming from you or from the Australian guy?

[B]

How about I.

[E]

What's your name? Physician's existence.

[M]

Somebody stinks up here.

[H]

Let me smell.

[G]

Had a loose friend. Goodness me.

[E]

What's your name?

[B]

How about a hand for Megan, everybody? There she goes. Give her a gel blaster, will you? You take a gel blaster back to Canada with you. I'm kidding.

[H]

Why are you such a nest?

[G]

Kidding.

[B]

You're such a nest. Oh, you're.

[G]

You are kidding.

[M]

I don't think you are kidding.

[B]

I am.

[H]

You're being a nasty tonight, William.

[M]

Well, whatever. Sometimes I'm allowed to be that way. If I feel that way, that way tonight.

[B]

Who hurt you, huh?

[G]

Are your parents divorced? What happened?

[M]

Are they.

[E]

What?

[M]

Can you say that word again?

[G]

Got me.

[H]

You asked if your parents are divorced.

[M]

No, they're still together. My dad actually it's a, it's a, it's a bad thing going on at the Montgomery household right now. My father Larry has freaking five cats. Ever since we all moved out of the house. They're empty nesters. Larry has five cats and I guess one of the cats had five more babies. So there are 10 feral cats living in my parents house right now. And my brother and his wife refused to let their, their daughter, my parents grand granddaughter, come over to the house. So it's this giant. I was playing mediator today.

[B]

My.

[M]

They said get rid of all 10 cats. And I said, well, they should be allowed to keep the two original cats. So I think we're there. I think they're going to be allowed to keep two original cats. So things are looking up. Yeah, I felt, yeah, things are looking better.

[B]

It's amazing to know that in the Montgomery memory family you're the mediator. That's incredible. It's fun.

[M]

It literally that happened today. I talked about parties.

[E]

You think you're, you think your dad's

[B]

ever gonna stop collecting cats?

[M]

Oh, no, I think he loves it too much.

[B]

I think he's never gonna stop doing that. William, anything you want to promote or anything like that?

[M]

Just Pokemon smoke. Character level 50. But yeah, when this goes out, Miami and Canada, British Columbia, Canada,

[B]

some other places.

[E]

Is there a city in Canada or just the entire huge mass?

[M]

Yeah, I think it's on the left hand side if you're looking at the.

[P]

Vancouver.

[B]

Vancouver, yes.

[M]

Vancouver, yes.

[B]

There you go. Vancouver.

[M]

Left hand side.

[F]

Yeah, Vancouver.

[M]

And then check my, check my, my website. It's cam. So funny with two O's.

[G]

I'm kidding.

[B]

Make some goddamn noise for William Montgomery. The drawing from Je Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. Let's check out what did Chris Rogers draw tonight? Oh, Drew Nickens.

[E]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Make some noise for James McCann. His first time on the show. An unbelievable debut. The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan is out there now everywhere. How about one more time for the Golden Goat Austin Zone. Shane Gillis, everybody. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land, Red Band. If you ever watch Tires on Netflix, please do. They're watching Tires. It's huge.

[H]

I love you.

[B]

We love you.

[Q]

Go, go.

[H]

Rewatch tires.

[B]

Go rewatch tires. Let's get it back to number one. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. Thank. You.

[H]

Fire.

[E]

Really turns me off.

[B]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open Check out Red Band Secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sa.