#671 - ARI SHAFFIR - MARK NORMAND - H. FOLEY - KEVIN RYAN

Summary

KILL TONY #671 – ARI SHAFFIR – MARK NORMAND – H. FOLEY – KEVIN RYAN (July 9, 2024) Comedy Mothership, Austin, TX

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Episode Overview

This raucous episode of Kill Tony features a loaded panel: Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand, H. Foley, and Kevin Ryan (of the "Are You Garbage?" podcast/Route 66 Tour), joining Tony Hinchcliffe and Redban. Across nearly two hours, the show delivers its signature format: random comedians pulled from the bucket, each performing a minute before grueling, hilarious panel interviews. High-energy bits, quick-witted roasts, and candid panels highlight both newcomers and regulars – plus a big announcement about Ari Shaffir "retiring" his legendary onstage nudity.

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Table of Contents

1. Guest Introductions & Opening Banter (03:13–04:58)
2. Ari Shaffir (as “Ari Matty”) - Opening Regular Spot (04:58–16:03)
3. Brian Cook (16:53–24:19)
4. Jay Legend (25:10–31:30)
5. Ari Shaffir’s Main Spot (32:08–36:33)
6. Tristan Bolling (37:46–44:58)
7. J.C. Super Speed (46:46–58:51)
8. Cam Patterson (59:37–68:29)
9. Arpit Jane (69:11–79:45)
10. Nick Farrell (80:11–87:23)
11. Sean Stewart (88:08–97:33)
12. Ben Bankus (98:02–108:45)
13. Treasure Jackson (109:18–120:35)
14. William Montgomery / Closing (121:17-end)
15. Panel Highlights & Running Gags
16. Notable Quotes & Moments

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1. Guest Introductions & Opening Banter (03:13–04:58)

• Mark Normand, H. Foley, and Kevin Ryan join the panel.
• Reference to their “Are You Garbage?” Route 66 tour and Mark’s specials.
• Tony explains the rules: comedians drawn from a bucket have one minute on stage; interview follows.

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2. Ari Shaffir (“Ari Matty”) – Opening Regular Spot (04:58–16:03)

Performance (04:58–06:34):

• Ari riffs on wanting a U.S. passport instead of Estonian ("If you go missing as an American, Navy SEALs come get you. If you’re Estonian, you’re fucked").
• Jokes about America trading Brittney Griner for a terrorist.

Panel/Interview (06:34–16:03):

• Roasts about Ari’s accent: Tony says, “Probably the funniest-sounding human being in comedy” (06:41).
• Banter about using accent to appear “scarier” in New York.
• Presumes Estonians are "sexy" because they’re a "genetic pool" of invasions. "Everybody fucked us – Vikings, Germans, Russians… Now I have blue eyes." (09:45)
• Deadpan: “Everyone’s dead” in his family (11:01) – causes a panel riff about Chernobyl and heart attacks.
• Interview about being a bartender in Estonia (11:35). Ari jokes about being a “visual bartender.”
• Wild Austin story: after flirting with a woman at the bar, realizes too late he’s grabbed the wrong woman – “Already a rapist!” says Tony, the panel howls (14:19).
• Ari, on Estonian demographics: "Yeah, there’s like, one black guy in Estonia. They’re rare" (15:21).
• “If all migrants looked like that, open the border” – Redban (07:35).

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3. Brian Cook (16:53–24:19)

Set – “Guns a-blazing” (16:53–18:13):

• Jokes about Austin’s homeless, off-brand Gatorade with fentanyl, and Bud Light scandal.
• Divorce compared to “being dropped off in East Bank New Orleans at 1am…terrorized, traumatized, and leave with nothing.” (17:35)

Interview (18:13–24:19):

• 46 years old, ex-Army cavalry scout, music journalist; works in a car dealership service center.
• Did not marry (“sticky subject,” recent girlfriend left for Nashville).
• Past: sold baseball cards during pandemic, writes witty self-reviews.
• “You’ve aged quicker!” (23:16, Redban).
• “When you said Ritalin, I thought, did they have that when you were a kid?” (23:15, Tony, ribbing about appearance).

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4. Jay Legend (25:10–31:30)

Set (25:10–26:17):

• Smoked too much weed; saw a squirrel and bird argue – in his high, understood their conversation.
• Panel favorite: “Which let me know instantly, this is a black squirrel and he on business.” (25:36)

Interview (26:17–31:30):

• Works at Comedy Mothership; five years in comedy, three in Austin; previously in home healthcare.
• Open about difficult co-parenting relationship (“toxic back and forth”), only sees toddler son occasionally, flies family in for Father’s Day.
• Jokes about dating, “transitioning to white women” for ‘an easier life.’
• Fun banter about black fatherhood and avoiding boats.

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5. Ari Shaffir’s Main Spot (32:08–36:33)

• Ari does his main “minute” (disguised as a panel bit), discusses recent trip to Australia and rugby/football jokes, pokes fun at American sportswear and American football being “softer.”
• Tony and the panel joke about Ari’s historic on-stage nudity, now appearing dapper (33:28), leading to the show-running joke that he’s “retiring his dick and balls” forever.

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6. Tristan Bolling (37:46–44:58)

Set (37:46–39:05):

• Bits about seeing the Michael Jackson musical: “By the end... I don’t think I care about the whole kid thing, he’s just too good!” (37:56)
• Unlike in Phoenix, “I’m now a New York kindergarten lunch lady” (40:12).
• Describes job for super-rich “$70K-a-year” kids; they call him “Mr. Lunch Lady.”
• Lives in tiny 480-square-foot NY apartment with girlfriend, admits to being broke.

Panel banter:

• Roasted for his look: “Now you look like a pedophile as well” (39:17, Tony).
• Discusses being “G checked” by kindergarteners whose parents are Knicks players, and dreams about moving up from his job.

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7. J.C. Super Speed (46:46–58:51)

First-timer nerves:

• Set is a rapid list of one-liners, mostly about post-Covid life, vaccine jokes, and weird “relax, relax, relax” catchphrase.
• Audience cracks up at his accidental punchlines and stage anxiety: “Let’s bring it down a bit” [48:15].

Panel reads his printed material:

• Tony reads J.C.’s jokes verbatim (“I saw Drake’s dick. It’s big. Whoa.” 51:44), with stage directions.
• JC is a 40-year-old, San Antonio-based government contracts consultant; did 12 years in the Army.
• Panel riffs: “Those are Mexican years!” — H. Foley (53:10); “What else do you do?”
• Admits wife mows the lawn (“I’ve seen her mow it three times during the day” — 54:23).

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8. Cam Patterson (59:37–68:29)

Killer set:

• Wild family tree: “My first kiss was to my sister-cousin...” (59:37)
• “That bitch look just like me” – on his cousin transitioning to male (61:27)
• “I hate her now. It’s upsetting.”
• Story: “So, we’re finding out that you are a gay man!” – Tony (64:15)
• Patronizingly, “Happy he’s coming out on Pride Month.” More: “I didn't choose to [be gay], I was drafted.”

Panel banter:

• More family tales: cousin’s transition, distant relationships, and dark jokes about father’s objections to homosexuality (“I’ll see you in hell then” – 65:18).
• Reads text wishing him "Happy Father's Day, even though you pushed that hoe down the stairs. Now that baby playing ball with Kobe” (67:01).
• “You were almost a helicopter parent.” (Redban, 67:58)

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9. Arpit Jane (69:11–79:45)

Set:

• Former “athlete” – competitive spelling bee.
• Jokes about Indian stereotypes (“the kids called me Curry because they're racist…” 69:30).
• Moved from Africa to the US; family robbed in both places — “a lateral move” (70:01).

Panel:

• Roasted for inability to spell words like “cinnamon” and “impasse” (72:09, 72:34).
• Came clean about cheating on spelling bees.
• Full-time comedian as of January, former CFO for a homeless shelter, now living off savings.
• Discussed Indian dating conventions and cultural compatibility.
• “I had my white phase…I know I’ll end up marrying someone Indian, it’s just easier.” (75:16)

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10. Nick Farrell (80:11–87:23)

Set:

• Self-deprecating jokes about eczema, rough sex, and being called “Old 60 Grit.”
• Playfully claims he’d handcuff women to a “bed frame—I don’t have one!” (81:12)

Panel:

• 24, from Austin, now in Fayetteville, Arkansas, district photographer for schools.
• Roasted: “So you’re taking pictures of children for a living.” (82:14, Tony).
• Open mics in Northwest Arkansas have “a sweet scene.”
• More joking about his ice cream obsession (“I REALLY fuck heavy with Blue Bell ice cream”).
• Panel riffs on ice cream, Blue Bell/blue balls, and his “Holocaust dad” looks.

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11. Sean Stewart (88:08–97:33)

Set:

• “Recently single” – blunt suicide bit: “Ex ended things… brains all over the wall” (88:26).
• Jokes about cleaning up, dating “Kurt Cobain,” and suicide puns.

Panel:

• Works in back office of a call center; gym-goer.
• Self-identifies as “quarter Cuban,” but panel calls him “the whitest dude ever.”
• Recent Grand Canyon “rim to rim” hike with 50 dudes (“I was disappointed we weren’t rubbing assholes together”). Panel: “Explains the Carmex” (93:36).
• Got stuck overnight with a hiker who fell ill, called rangers. Went to Vegas, played craps.

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12. Ben Bankus (98:02–108:45)

Set:

• Jokes about white and black people’s different “fears” on the road.
• Lampoons the Baltimore bridge collapse, referencing the Indian crew: “Too big for Uber… now it looks like home.” (98:54)

Panel:

• Toronto comic, big YouTube presence, emigrated to Austin, found out he was going to be a dad after last Kill Tony appearance (“In Texas, right after they made it illegal to kill it. We had to go back to Canada!” 100:00).
• Raised in a Jewish family, panel riffs about his last name “Bankus.”
• Describes “ufos” he and Tony both witnessed, only to learn it was probably “Starlink” satellites.

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13. Treasure Jackson (109:18–120:35)

Set:

• Jokes about necrophilia (rigor mortis), warning parents about rappers sampling kids (“maybach music!”), fart-based relationship story. Strong stage presence.

Panel:

• First time signing up; from Houston, 1.5 years in.
• Event coordinator at a black-owned comic book shop—panel jokes about “indie comics,” black Batman, and business hours.
• Admits to one-day stand with an Asian man. Prefers eating (“I’m proud of my enchilada”) and surfing (braved “shark season” in Volusia County, FL).

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14. William Montgomery / Closing (121:17–end)

Set:

• Wild one-liners: rim-to-rim on “Redban’s mom,” Hunter Biden trial, Neuralink herpes monkey, “porn dramas," and a Bill Goldberg reference.

Panel:

• Admits to Pokemon addiction, missing shows because of flight snafus (“I ate a whole pizza on Saturday with the garlic sauce.”)
• Story about baby mama in Hartford, crazy weekends, and gastrointestinal patterns (Papa John’s).
• Tony reminds William he could have flown into NYC instead; William’s classic bit, “I know I ain’t ever gonna stop” (129:18).
• Episode concludes with plugs for Are You Garbage, Mark Norman’s tour, and Ari Shaffir’s formal “dick and balls” retirement.

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Panel Highlights & Running Gags

• Ari Shaffir's Onstage Nudity Retirement: Ari declares his “dick and balls” days are over, recurrently referenced throughout.
• Riffing on Ethnic Stereotypes: Indian and black comic guests get both support and playful ribbing about culture, dating, and spelling bees.
• "Relax, Relax, Relax": J.C. Super Speed’s new accidental catchphrase cracked up crowd and panel.
• Host Roasts: Tony ruthlessly needles comics, especially on their looks, age, or lack of sexual/romantic prowess.
• Panel Member-Offspring: Multiple comics mention crazy family trees, baby mamas, and parental oddities.
• Recurring callbacks: Lunch lady, spelling struggles, Pokémon, rim-to-rim hiking, bluebell ice cream, bucket dreams.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On American passports:
  “With the American one, with that eagle on your shit, you could be in fucking Beirut… Navy SEALs in the night, …they shoot Ahmed in the head.”
  — Ari Shaffir (05:22)

• On diversity in Estonia:
  "There’s like, one black guy in Estonia. They’re rare."
  — Ari (15:21)

• On riffing about a panelist’s age:
  "When you said Ritalin, I thought, did they have that when you were a kid?"
  — Tony to Brian Cook (23:15)

• On lunch lady job:
  “They call me Mr. Lunch Lady.”
  — Tristan Bolling (40:38)

• On panel’s joke step-by-step:
  “I saw Drake’s dick. It’s big. Whoa.”
  — Tony reading J.C. Super Speed’s set (51:44)

• Cam Patterson’s family saga:
  “That bitch look just like me... Now she’s a nigga, man.”
  — Cam Patterson (61:27/62:04)

• On Indian-American experience:
  “We traded getting robbed by Africans for getting robbed by African Americans.”
  — Arpit Jane (70:01)

• “You’re taking pictures of children for a living.”
  — Tony to Nick Farrell, as panel cracks up (82:14)

• On Treasure Jackson dating an Asian guy:
  “A one-day stand with an Asian guy? Just quick, huh?”
  — Tony (116:36)

• On Ari retiring his infamous nudity:
  “It’s done forever. The dick is done. Nudity’s done. That’s in the past. I’m an adult now.”
  — Ari Shaffir (130:09)

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Final Thoughts

This episode is heavy on roast humor, outrageous back-and-forths, and meta-commentary about the podcast itself. Ari’s “retirement” is a running bit. Both new and veteran comedians offer solid (and sometimes nervous) sets, and the panel delivers relentless, original crowd work. If you love live stand-up, panel ball-busting, and sharp improvisational comedy, #671 is a blast.

For comedy diehards, the exchanges (especially between Tony, the regulars, and Ari) are worth a listen.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset strip or get some death squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Bay coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Edge Grant. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Yeah. We made it. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. You're here. The number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Game Time Liquid IV and talks about. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, huh? Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande. The great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is D Madness on the bass guitar. Ladies and gentlemen. Ooh la la. Another big one for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. About it. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. I'd like to present three of our favorite guests ever in the history of the show. Make some noise from Mark Norman, H. Foley and Kevin Ryan, everybody. Yeah. Mark Norman, Squeeze on in here. Mark Norman, H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, three of my favorite human beings. Welcome back to the show, guys.

[Red Band]

What's up, buddy?

[Mark Norman]

Great to be here, gang. Great to be here.

[Red Band]

Hey, hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're gonna have fun here tonight. They are on tour. The RU garbage guys are on their route. Route 66 tour. Go to rugarbage.com for tickets. Mark. Numerous specials, numerous everything. He's on tour. Mark Norman dot com.

[Red Band]

Oh, yeah. Check out my only fans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Yeah, I've been on it. I love it. You guys know how the show works. You've been on numerous times before. 229 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If they get picked, they get 60 seconds on this stage. You know, their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I interview them and we all find out more about them. Maybe something they should talk about or something interesting about their lives. All of a sudden they go from being a comedian for 60 seconds to a guest on a live podcast in a sold out show in the live comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas. You guys ready to start the show? Well, I pull a name out of the bucket, they go and grab this person from the bar across the street. And while they're wrangling that person, I would like to present one of our regulars, everybody. We have a rotating panel of regulars now, and this is the newest regular on the show, One of the two newest regulars on the show. He's an absolute freak of nature. He is the Estonian assassin. Ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute, make some noise for one of your new favorite comedians in the world. Ari, Maddie, everybody. Here we go.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hello, Austin, Texas. How are we?

[Tristan Bolling]

Yes.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll tell you about my dream. I want an American passport and I need help with that, to be honest. I just want a passport where if I go missing, somebody comes looking

[H. Foley]

because

[Ari Shaffir]

I have an Estonian passport. If I get in trouble here, I'm fucked. But with the American one, with that eagle on your shit, you could be in fucking Beirut. You pull that shit out, ka ka, you know, people will back the fuck up. You could be some random whore sucking dick in Pakistan if you go missing, bro, Navy seals in the night. Vision goggles on and shit, they shoot Ahmed in the head. Brittney Grimer. That bitch took weed to Russia and

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you were like, we gotta get our girl back.

[Ari Shaffir]

Exchange her for an active terrorist so she could come back and play point guard for a made up subsidiary league.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He did it again, Ari. Matty with another brand new hilarious minute.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you. What's up, Tony?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One of the funniest rising young comedians in the world. Probably the funniest sounding human being in comedy history. That Estonian accent trumps everything.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We learned it last week. James McCann with his thick Australian accent, and you were going, we're having a great conversation back and forth, and you just trumped him totally. I mean, you sound funnier than almost everybody.

[Red Band]

Okay, he sounds scary to me. I don't know what you're talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you say that?

[Ari Shaffir]

All right, I've been to New York, and whenever I get scared in New York, I just crank up the accent. I'm as Russian as I need to be. You know what? I'm saying,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll tell you, I see

[Ari Shaffir]

a black guy on the corner, I'm like, there is problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's going on, homeboy?

[Red Band]

I'll tell you, if all migrants look like that, I'd say, open that border.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yes.

[Red Band]

That is a handsome man.

[Mark Norman]

Look at that tiny little body on this kid.

[Red Band]

Yeah. Can we get fully a seatbelt extender? I can't move here. I'm stuck here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Put one of your legs this way.

[Red Band]

I got the bar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I asked you if you were okay. Sorry. Yes.

[Red Band]

I couldn't breathe. I'm on a Southwest car plate. You got the middle seat? What are you crazy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where you flying to?

[Red Band]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got.

[Red Band]

I got a double gin and tonic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My wife and I are going on vacation.

[Mark Norman]

So you're a comedian, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love comedy.

[Red Band]

I'll tell you, if that door of the Alaska flight came off, you could seal that in a second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't worry, folks, I got it.

[Mark Norman]

Everybody go back to your seats and watch your movies. Man, my ass is cold.

[Red Band]

I left two Biscoff cookies. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Oh, unbelievably amazing.

[Red Band]

Fat jokes are funny. Sorry.

[Mark Norman]

I was brought here for a good time, not to be insulted.

[Red Band]

Oh, sorry. Sorry. You look great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Enough. Enough, Ari. Fatty, let's go back to Ari.

[Ari Shaffir]

Maddie, you are very, very, very fat, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever.

[Mark Norman]

From Russia? Have you ever seen anybody this fat?

[Red Band]

No.

[Ari Shaffir]

You would be like a circus act, dude. Dude, we can make some money, baby.

[Red Band]

Somebody get that bear and a bike.

[Mark Norman]

I saw him wrestle two goats last night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Red Band]

This is Vladimir Pudding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible.

[Red Band]

Oh, God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, what do Estonian people look like? They all look like you. Are they all. Is it like more Swedish? Is it? What?

[Ari Shaffir]

See, what's really good about my country

[Red Band]

is he's so sexy.

[Ari Shaffir]

We got like, you know, like everybody fucked us, you know? Viking, German, Russian. So the genetical pool, you know, now I have, like, now have, like, baby blue eyes, you know?

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Look at the British people. Not so good, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, that's.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, that's what happens when an empire fights back too hard. You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They are a hideous people. Why? How does it end up that way? Who went and fucked up England?

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, it's. They fuck, you know, people. Anyway, even if new. New people come, you know, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Red Band]

They keep it tight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They do.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. There's places like that in America too, aren't there?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Not far from here at all. This guy made the drive from wherever it is.

[Mark Norman]

You got a couple cousins under your Belt, don't you?

[Ari Shaffir]

Look at you.

[Mark Norman]

God dam, yeah. Guy's got three eyes, look at him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You have a couple cousins above your belt. So, Ari, is everyone in your family good looking, blonde hair, blue eyes?

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, everyone's dead, but they. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Red Band]

Chernobyl, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did they die? Why did everyone die?

[Ari Shaffir]

A heart attack, you know.

[Red Band]

Poisoning.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, Just a rough life out there, you know?

[Red Band]

Yeah. If they're gay, they kill you.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Actually, we just legalized.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah?

[Ari Shaffir]

How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You legalized being gay?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Red Band]

You left too early.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Ari, what did you do for work in Estonia before you were a comedian?

[Ari Shaffir]

I used to be a bartender. Can you see this shit?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Oh, my Goodness gracious. Wow. Wow. Do you still know how to make drinks?

[Ari Shaffir]

Hell yeah, dude. What do you need, baby?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

An Old Fashioned. How would you make it?

[Tristan Bolling]

Oh, left.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know. Get some whiskey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Ari Shaffir]

Like in a glass, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

Eye of newt.

[Red Band]

Yeah. Come on, Cosby.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then you just, you know, it

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

up, you know, just. Just shake it up real good.

[Ari Shaffir]

I was more of a visual bartender, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah, just there for the looks. I love it. Ari. What? You okay over there? You getting ready for a big solo or something? The fuck could possibly be happening back here? Jesus Christ. I love it, Ari.

[Arpit Jane]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything else crazy happen in Austin this week?

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, I had something pretty scary happen, so I had a really good gig one night. You know when that happens? And I was sitting at the bar after the show and then near the bathrooms here, a lady comes up to me and she's shitfaced. Things are going well. She's like stroking my cockpit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, on the outside of your pants? Yeah, like, that's not really stroking. That's more of like a pressure.

[Ari Shaffir]

What's this move?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's that.

[Red Band]

I don't know, but I'm into it, whatever it is. I'm slipping off my chair over here, big guy. I think that's called the P. Diddy.

[Ari Shaffir]

And I'm also, like, feeling her, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you doing? You're, like, going over her pants.

[Red Band]

You haven't heard that?

[Ari Shaffir]

And it's like, yeah, exactly. And we're like, you know, blah, blah, blah. You know, when the tongues do this shit, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, French kissing.

[Ari Shaffir]

So then I do another gig. She hangs around here later. I see her at the bar here, I see her from the back. She's ordering drinks. She's got the ass out. Things are looking good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, when you say the ass is out.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, when they're at the bar like this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And you see like the rectangle of the dream.

[Sean Stewart]

You know

[Ari Shaffir]

this part?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then I go behind her, like all sexy. You know me.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I know.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I go all sexy up to her hair and I go, watch you looking. She turns around. Different lady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. Already a rapist. Yeah, there you go.

[Ari Shaffir]

Fit into the American stand up comedy culture.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is. That's incredible.

[Ari Shaffir]

And then I didn't sleep for three days.

[Red Band]

Yeah, well, I'll sleep tonight thinking about that tush.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. You do have what the Estonians would call.

[Red Band]

What.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What would you call a fat ass in Estonia?

[Ari Shaffir]

Bucks Birche.

[Red Band]

That's so hot. Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The girls in Estonia, they're all very pretty too.

[Ari Shaffir]

Super pretty. Super pretty. And smart too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any black girls there? No.

[Sean Stewart]

No no no.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, I know

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

exactly.

[Ari Shaffir]

Actually there's one two. I know them, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How dare you?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, so we're coming up, you know. Yeah, we have some black guys. Like one guy moved to a stone.

[Red Band]

It's not great if you can count them.

[Ari Shaffir]

One guy, our first black we got,

[Red Band]

it was black guy.

[Ari Shaffir]

It was like, you know, everybody's like,

[Red Band]

oh, my God, we got one.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

It's just an Italian guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Close enough. Am I right? Keep eye on this one.

[Red Band]

Put him in cage with fat man. Surprised you have a couple because black people are rarely Russian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. It's true. They don't move that fast.

[Red Band]

They're late a lot. Yep, that was the joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari, I love your style. You did it again. What a great way to start the show. Thank you so much. Happy to have you part of the team, Ari. Matty, we're on a mission. He's got seven months to get his green card. We made him a regular making new American citizens. Don't you think he should be an American citizen, huh? Okay, I forgot we're in Texas where people are like, come on, you got gotta answer a few more questions. All right? Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi, everybody. All right, and now to the bucket we go. We're gonna meet someone all together. This is where the beating pulse of the show, ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for your first bucket pool tonight. Brian Cook, everybody. Here we go. We're gonna go with Brian Cook.

[Brian Cook]

Thank you very much. Now you can tell it is summertime in Austin, Texas, because all of our unhoused homeless neighbor friends have turned a nice crispy golden brown. Now, I do not mean that racially. I mean that like Fried chicken. There's bumps and boils, there's cracks and crevices. It's dripping oil and spices. It's a health hazard. You gotta call 311 or don't call 31 1. I don't care. I don't care about the Bud Light scandal. I don't drink Bud Light. You know what I drink? I drink off brand Gatorade from the Dollar Store with a little bit of fentanyl in it. I call it a white Powerade. Now again, I do not mean that racially. I mean that like the white sheet the coroner is gonna pull over your head if you drink it. It's okay if I drink it. I got a tolerance. I'm from North Austin. I know what I'm doing. I actually live here in Austin. I call my house Fort Hood. That's not because I used to be in the army. It's because I live in the ghetto and I'm armed to the teeth. Try it, you fucking tweakers. Okay, now let me leave you with a thought here, a mental riddle. Okay? Divorce is like being dropped off in the east bank of New Orleans at 1am with no weapons. You are going to be terrorized, traumatized, and you're going to leave with nothing. If you haven't been divorced or been to New Orleans, consider yourself lucky. I've been through both. And I'll take my chances in the east bank. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Brian Cook. Fuck yeah. Came in guns a blazing. All right, let's talk about it. Brian, how long you been doing stand

[Brian Cook]

up to the 20th? In a couple days will be two full years.

[Tristan Bolling]

Congratulations.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

20th?

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

Today's the 17th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're saying your anniversary is.

[Brian Cook]

I like my AA date.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Welcome, welcome, Brian. So you've been doing it two years. What made you start? How old are you?

[Brian Cook]

46.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

46. Wow. God damn.

[Sean Stewart]

Holy.

[Red Band]

That kid's had a rough paper route. God damn.

[Brian Cook]

It's been a wild life.

[Red Band]

He got city miles on him, man. Jesus. Brian Over.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian is six years older than me, Ladies and gentlemen.

[J.C. Super Speed]

True.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holy shit.

[Brian Cook]

How many military deployments have you been on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, wow. Let's talk about that. Brian, where have you been?

[Brian Cook]

I was in Bosnia, but I was in the army for six years and so we've got some Californians out there. The National Training center in Fort Irwin, it seems like. I went there once a year for four or five straight years. That's about enough of the desert.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You kill any sand rabbits when you were out there?

[Brian Cook]

Not intentionally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not intentionally, no.

[Brian Cook]

At night it gets weird as you're driving with the night vision goggles. It's like the Roadrunner and the coyote out there. You just kind of run over whatever. We'll see what happens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so that's a yes. You've killed people before?

[Brian Cook]

Not intentional.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not just accident. And what did you do exactly, in the military?

[Brian Cook]

I was a 19 Delta. I was a cavalry scout.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what do they do? Oh, they have a Gary.

[Brian Cook]

We're the Ford Observers. They all have tattoos, but no, we're the ones in the old West. We were on the horses with General Custard, but these days we're the Ford observer for the tank and Bradley units.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

General Custard is one of H. Foley's favorite desserts. He'll take any General Custard that you offer him.

[Tristan Bolling]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian Cook. So what do you do for work now?

[Brian Cook]

I am in the service center of a local car dealership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The service center?

[Arpit Jane]

Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

If you bring your, I don't know, let's say your Cadillac Escalade in to get service, you can steal the rims. Absolutely. That's goal number one. Don't leave your stuff inside the cars. But that's another story. Now, if you get to your service appointment, we'll take you to the airport, take it back home, and make sure your car gets fixed on time and give you the call when it's ready and all that good stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would you take somebody to the airport?

[Brian Cook]

Because people are jet setters and they got places to go. They give me the keys, they say, take this guy to the airport.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No problem. I love your style. You married?

[Brian Cook]

Not yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not yet. No. Any day now. Any day now. You have a girlfriend?

[Brian Cook]

That's a sticky subject because it's Austin. It's a freak show here. And the last one took off for Nashville in February, and I got a text this weekend. I don't even know what she was doing in Nashville. We can leave that alone.

[Mark Norman]

He's got one in the freezer in his house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Brian. Very, very interesting. 46 years old. Tell us, is that just the military you think? Why? You like you're your own grandfather?

[Brian Cook]

Part of it's just being an outside cat, you know, as opposed to one of the Fresh Face video game people. But we went high school, army, college, 10 years in the music business, went back to college, pandemic, landed here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did you do in the music business?

[Brian Cook]

I was a journalist. I wrote a lot of concert reviews, record reviews, some interviews, A lot. A lot of the Austin Chronicle, not to name names, but the Stuff like that. The free weeklies with the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Nick Farrell]

Not the name.

[Mark Norman]

Why didn't you say you were with the Chronicle?

[Sean Stewart]

Jesus.

[Brian Cook]

Yeah, yeah, No, I wasn't with them, but that kind of a thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Oh, okay.

[Brian Cook]

That every city has one. Well, no, Sublime's coming. You know those stupid things.

[Red Band]

Everybody, if you were going to write a review of your city set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great question.

[Brian Cook]

Like Lemmy from Motorhead in the last three weeks of Life.

[Red Band]

Okay, another thing I didn't get.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, Brian. Very, very interesting. So what made. What makes you think that you were equipped to be able to write music reviews

[Brian Cook]

instead of writing local news? Instead of. Oh, the girls volleyball is going to the tournament. We got flu shots. Let's write about something I'm actually interested in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Brian Cook]

A real kind of simple bass urge.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about now, musically? Do you still go out and see music?

[Brian Cook]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you go?

[Brian Cook]

I like the Mohawk is my favorite one in town. Emo's for being a kind of house of blues venue is still a very cool place. The 13th floor, that used to be Beer land. That's a good one. I'm missing one. Moody center for the big stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're in the mood. Yeah, that's Arena.

[Brian Cook]

There's still a lot of good music places around town. The Far Out Lounge, down south, down by South Park Meadows.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no doubt about it. Okay, very good.

[Mark Norman]

How many cups of coffee did you have today?

[Brian Cook]

It was all natural.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it natural?

[Brian Cook]

So hyperactive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, you know, when I was a

[Brian Cook]

kid, the teachers begged my mom to put me on the ritalin in the 80s, you know, all that bullshit. And we never did because we're not gonna medicate our kids and they shouldn't medicate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we might have missed that one. Jesus Christ.

[Cam Patterson]

Swinging in the leg.

[Red Band]

Cause he's aging quicker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. When you said Ritalin, I'm like, they had Ritalin when you were a kid. And then I remembered you're only six years older than me. It's fucking crazy. I've never seen anyone that looks like you. Be like, they wanted to put me on Ritalin as a kid. Normally they would just hit people with you over the head with a rock or something. Settle you down.

[Red Band]

Yeah, if you go to the movies, you'll get a discount.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, bring it on.

[Brian Cook]

But what movies were seeing, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should write a review about that.

[Brian Cook]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian. I love it. What else? You have any other special skills or talents?

[Brian Cook]

I don't know if it's a talent, but I buy and sell baseball cards on ebay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For profit.

[Brian Cook]

So for profit. That's what we did during the pandemic when there was nothing to do. Let's sell some baseball cards.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Spanish flu.

[Brian Cook]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Red Band]

Okay, how much meth would we find in that stash?

[Brian Cook]

On the advice of counsel, I elect not to answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Red Band]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Look at that. Amazing, Brian. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. You're getting a little joke book here tonight. Welcome. Two years into the game, Brian Cook, everybody. We have an insider. One of you, an audience member, has been pulled out of the bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian doing 60 seconds goes by the name of Jay Legend, everyone. J Legend. Here he comes representing you. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? This is Jay Legend.

[Jay Legend]

Hell, yeah. I should probably stop smoking weed. It's fucking my life up. I don't like how my brain is starting to work. I think the weed is too good. This is how I knew it was getting bad. The other day, for 45 minutes, I watched a bird argue with a squirrel. And that's not even the part that let me know I was hot. The part that let me know I was hot was I could understand what they was arguing about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was real intense.

[Jay Legend]

I'm gonna let y' all know what happened, since y' all wasn't there. So I was outside minding my business, and squirrels started searching for food on the ground. Out of nowhere, a bird flies past and shit near where the squirrel trying to get food at. This pissed the squirrel off. I could tell it pissed him off. Cause he instantly look up the bird. He was like, hey, nigga, watch where you shitting. Which let me know instantly, this is a black squirrel, and he on fucking business. You don't fuck with black squirrels like that. He'll pull up with his squirrels, homie, and fuck this whole place up. Yeah, it was getting real intense. But I couldn't stay to see what happened. Cause like I said, I had been out there for 45 minutes and my break was only 30, so I had to get back to fucking work. Hey, y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Jay Legend]

That's my time on Jay Legend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jay Legend making his Kill Tony debut right now live in Austin. Jay, I didn't even realize when I pulled your name out of the bucket. You have been working at the comedy mothership for months now.

[Jay Legend]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Every time I run into you, every single time, for months, you have said, I'm gonna eventually get pulled out of that damn bucket. Yes, sir.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'm gonna go up there and I'm gonna crush. Here we are.

[Jay Legend]

The funny part is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell y.

[Jay Legend]

The funny part is today I told myself when I woke up, I was like, if I get pulled on Kill Tony, I'mma call my baby mama and tell her I've been cheating. So. So now when I le

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yourself that when you woke up today morning, I

[Cam Patterson]

was like, I want to get pulled so bad. I'll tell the truth.

[Red Band]

I got news. You just told us. Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's. It's jokes, babe.

[Jay Legend]

Can we call.

[Red Band]

Can we call her now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you still with your baby mama?

[Jay Legend]

No, we got this, like, toxic back and forth thing that we doing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay,

[Jay Legend]

That is definitely what it's called.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old is the kid?

[Ari Shaffir]

He's two.

[Jay Legend]

About to be three in August.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two. About to be three in August.

[Jay Legend]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often do you visit the kid?

[Jay Legend]

Since I've been here, I only seen him twice. He actually just came out, so I talk to him on the phone every day. They know I'm hustling and making money. I always send money home. But they actually. I flew them out here yesterday for Father's Day, so I got to see him for a couple hours. I appreciate the sophomore and it's hard out here for a black man trying to be a father.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It's hard out there for a black man trying to be a father. There's four of them total in the world right now. There's actually basically, like, living in Estonia.

[Jay Legend]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. So wait, you said that. I'm still kind of confused. First, you said when you woke up today, which I'm guessing was 3:00pm yes. You said, if you get pulled, you're gonna call your baby mama and say what?

[Jay Legend]

I've been. I've been doing my thing out here, Austin. I've been other women is basically what

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was going to. But doesn't she know that you're other women?

[Jay Legend]

She don't ask, don't ask, don't tell kind of thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Don't ask, don't tell. No doubt about it. Whatever you do, don't ask.

[Jay Legend]

Don't ask.

[Cam Patterson]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And how long you been doing standup?

[Jay Legend]

I've been doing standup. Five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years. And how long have you worked at the mothership?

[Jay Legend]

Three months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three months. What were you doing before this?

[Jay Legend]

Before this? I was just moved out here. I had quit my job and left everything in Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the job in Florida?

[Jay Legend]

I was in home health care. So I was taking care of this like 70 year old white dude, like helping him go to the bathroom and shit.

[Red Band]

Oh, damn. It was your last time.

[Jay Legend]

Clean his house. Clean his house and shit. That's all I would do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow.

[Red Band]

Was he nice?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah, he was. It was weird at times. Cause I would like be cleaning and he'd be sitting there in his wheelchair and I look up and he's just watching me. And I felt like my ancestors was hating me. I didn't want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing.

[Brian Cook]

Hey, look at your dumb ass.

[Jay Legend]

All this work we did. I got cotton shirts for him and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know, isn't it crazy that you've probably wiped his ass more than your own son's ass?

[Jay Legend]

Yeah. No, no, never, never. I can't wait to show how good of a dad I am in these videos. I'll take a picture every time I'm with him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Jay, what do you like, what else do you do other than stand up comedy? What else are you into?

[Jay Legend]

I really just love this, but I do everything like I'm one of them. You know what a road dog is? Yeah, yeah. Like whatever you down to do, I'm down to do. I don't give a.

[Red Band]

Like, even swimming?

[Jay Legend]

Even swimming. Oh, as long as I can get on your back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No boats.

[Jay Legend]

I know. What the fuck happens?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you think we would take you on a boat? You're already here.

[Jay Legend]

I don't know, new slavery world or whatever the fuck. We got a new place for you niggas. It'd be funny if they took a boat to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, get your dumb ass. And we got him. Amazing. Jay, is your baby mama a black woman?

[Red Band]

Yes, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Jay Legend]

She likes on the lighter side, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's on the lighter side.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Jay Legend]

I'm trying to transition to white, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And tell us about the. Tell us about this transitioning that you're going through.

[Jay Legend]

I just feel like it'd be an easier life. I don't know. Yeah, look, I got a white woman. Oh, come on in. That's what I feel like life is like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Red Band]

Tell that the dole is all.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Jay, amazing performance tonight. Very fun stuff. Welcome. You were right. You had a great.

[Nick Farrell]

Appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Here's a big joke. But there goes Jay. Legend, everybody. And now it is time for your next comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ari Shafir, everybody. Ari Shafir. Oh, my goodness. What?

[H. Foley]

Thank you. Very much, everybody. Thank you very much. Happy to be here. It's my second time pulling a number. I've tried 74 times. I just got back from Australia. It's a country. Went to a rugby match and everybody there was making fun of Americans. They said, you got fucking Americans with your football. You're all wearing helmets and pads. You're all pussies. That's what they called us, pussies. Cause wear helmets and pads for football. Well, you wear helmets and pads too if you played against black people. Yeah, you don't have that there. I'm sure I wouldn't wear helmets and pants too if I was soft living coddled to the ground by a soft white. Try being rushed by someone who's about to bring the property values down in your neighborhood. Thank you very much, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari Shafir. We have been graced with the presence of a fully dressed Ari Shafir. This is incredible. What a distinguished gentleman. This is the first time perhaps in 11 years in the history of the show that you have worn an outfit.

[H. Foley]

Dude, listen, I get what you're saying,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but where is that dick and balls, Ari?

[H. Foley]

I was Tony. That was childish. That's child's play. I'm not a child.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a grown up.

[H. Foley]

I'm an adult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that why you're dressed like a pedophile? You went straight from being a child to them?

[H. Foley]

I could. You got a tune of these kids to become men.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little Dick Tracy over there, red band. Whoa, Red band. Wow. Red band with the Dick Tracy. The reference from the early 90s, ladies and gentlemen. Fresh, hot and ready.

[H. Foley]

I had to flee the country after the last time. Said I masturbated in front of a minor, changed my ways. I've grown up now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[H. Foley]

That was the old aria, that Ari's dead. Now I'm an adult.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so what is your plan with this new Ari? I mean, you worked so hard on the old Ari. Yeah, it took so much work. I mean, you had many different ways and devices of pulling your dick and balls out. The last time we saw you, you were in a Lakers jersey at the forum, number 24. I can't remember who that was.

[H. Foley]

I can't remember his name. But I looked up his stats. There's no good stats for the last couple years.

[Sean Stewart]

I'm not sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there was a hole. There was a giant hole at the lower part of the jersey.

[H. Foley]

There's a hole in the hearts of the Lakers because they' heroes did. But there was a hole. Yeah. And I saw Guys, look how gravity works. I can't control this stuff. My. My dick and balls fell through that hole and right into the longing gaze of a 13 year old child.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. There was a young boy in the front row. Actual audio of him crying sounds kind of young for a 13 year old. But we saw a 46 year old that looked 90, so anything can happen. So now you're dressed.

[H. Foley]

He's got a walker outside. He got off the. Give it to me. And he had the tennis balls. It was souped up.

[Red Band]

Souped up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I'm pumped, Ari. I mean, I love that we have this new grown up version of you. I would love for you to join us for the rest of the show if that's cool with you. We got a big stool back here. Yeah. You guys think the legendary Shabir should join us? Well, I love that we got a big stool for you here. Pull it a little bit closer to the drum set here. Of course we have you and a blind man coming to your seats at the same time. With my luck, that's perfect right there. Come on in. D. Thank you. D. Madness smells like money.

[H. Foley]

There's a reason

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

there's a Jew next to you, D. Madness. Don't panic. It's a real life Jew. Yeah, you're good. Yeah, there you go. It's gonna be a tight squeeze, but we got a fucking full setup here. How cool is this? All right, Shafir joining the fray. The lovely Heidi is here. Look at this. Bringing a little relief to this fucking Kiel boss.

[Red Band]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kielbasi festival. We have here. Kielbasi. Kielbasa.

[Red Band]

A married man. God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And with that, let's keep the fun train moving along. We have a golden ticket winner here, ladies and gentlemen, one of the original golden ticket winners. This guy won it at 20 years old. A day before he turned 21. He cashed in his golden ticket the next day at the Comedy Store. Won it in Phoenix, Arizona at the age of 20. Cashed in the next day at 21 at the Comedy Store. Ladies and gentlemen, five or six. Seer. Kill Tony, golden ticket veteran. This is the long awaited return of Tristan Bolling, everybody.

[Tristan Bolling]

Oh, what's up, Kill Tony. Ah, man, I live in New York, which is awesome. I love seeing Broadway musicals. I recently saw the Michael Jackson musical. Yeah, I did see Leaving Neverland first. So, you know, this spooky prequel. So, you know, I went in a little chuffed. I'm like, what is this Michael Jackson guy ever done? You know? And let me tell you by the end of the musical 180. I think I can safely say from the bottom of my heart, I don't think I care about the whole kid thing. He's the best. All right? He's the best. Who's ever done it. Turns out you could do both. We're gonna limit that guy.

[Jay Legend]

Really?

[Tristan Bolling]

Honestly, between doing Thriller and doing that, like, take a Saturday, man. Where's your vacation days, brother? There's a very funny part where in the musical where it's like, michael, you know what they're saying about you? That you're bleaching your skin, that you're laundering money. That's it. And I'm the back.

[Nick Farrell]

Like, there's a third thing.

[Tristan Bolling]

Like, didn't even know about laundering money. I'm not gonna lie to you. All right, My name is Tristan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have a good night, Tristan. Bowling with a brand new minute Fun stuff. Welcome back. Hello.

[Tristan Bolling]

Hello, bud. Thanks for having me, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last time we saw you, you also looked like a child. And now you look like a pedophile as well. There's a running theme going on here that Ari started.

[H. Foley]

You look like you're transitioning from scientists to mad scientists.

[Tristan Bolling]

They're not understanding me. Yeah, no, but yeah, it's been. I got a haircut and I'm glad I look like a pedophile. Nothing's changed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do. How old are you now?

[Tristan Bolling]

Tristan just turned 26 in May.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right, 26. I love it. And you started out in Phoenix?

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah yeah yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you did comedy in Phoenix for years?

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then you recently moved to New York.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, a year and a half ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's that going for you?

[Tristan Bolling]

It's going good. I just. I got my first full time job there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, what's that?

[H. Foley]

Oh, guys, that's a failure as a comedian.

[Tristan Bolling]

That is true. No, I'm a kindergarten lunch lady, lady.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you really?

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah yeah.

[Red Band]

Whoa, Ari. Your dream job.

[Tristan Bolling]

I've seen him tutoring. It's nice.

[Red Band]

Tutoring, Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you exclusively only serve lunch to kindergartners?

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, very extremely rich kindergarteners. And it's demeaning, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more about it.

[Tristan Bolling]

They call me Mr. Lunch Lady.

[Red Band]

It's not so bad.

[Tristan Bolling]

I mean, it sucks. Coming.

[Red Band]

You've been called worse for sure.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah yeah, no, absolutely.

[Red Band]

Yeah. You look like you run the projector at a porno theater. We worked together in Houston. No, Austin.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, Phoenix. Yes, we did.

[Red Band]

Yes.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah yeah yeah. We got there.

[Red Band]

That was a fun weekend.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, it was very fun, dude. No, but being. It's. It's weird. One of the kids who I feed like his dad's a Knicks player.

[Mark Norman]

Sounds like his brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Recipe, please.

[Red Band]

Such a wild way to say that.

[Tristan Bolling]

I mean, what else do I do?

[Red Band]

It sounds like he doesn't have a choice in the matter.

[Mark Norman]

Don't mind the nipple ring. Just go ahead and suck.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah. They latch easy.

[Red Band]

Yeah, it's iron.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

What kind of food do you serve these kids?

[Red Band]

I, it's like, do you have any on you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any general custard?

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, no, we give them like, we do Stir Fridays every Friday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. H. Foley's hard as a rock, right? Yeah, keep going. What else do you got? Stir Fridays.

[Tristan Bolling]

We got Stir Fridays. We make our own pizza. Everything's in house. So, like, we gotta do. It's insane. Tuition for kindergarten is $70,000 a year.

[Red Band]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, it's nuts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you were saying one of the kids father's place for the New York work next.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tristan Bolling]

I won't say who I want to keep my job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible. Yeah, they are like.

[H. Foley]

Tony, aren't you performing where they play?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, I am performing. We are performing at Madison Square Garden. We're doing Kill Tony there. The home of the Knicks. Who knows, maybe one day we'll be able to send our children to get lunch from your creepy ass.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, yeah. No, it's why the kids G check me a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does G check mean?

[Tristan Bolling]

They like, they call me on like. I asked one of the kids what he's doing for summer vacation and he told me that he's going to Dubai.

[Red Band]

Geez.

[Tristan Bolling]

And I'm like, I haven't left the country. And in that moment, I wanted to tell him that Santa wasn't real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This new.

[Tristan Bolling]

I don't know how to hurt him the way he hurt me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me. That is amazing.

[Red Band]

Check.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This new wobbly arm thing you're doing. Did you pick that up in New York? This new thing? It's a New York thing. We always talk about it.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of how I got here flying. No, I, I, I don't know. I, I don't mean now. I'm very self conscious about it, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, you can't stop now. There, there's the double hand thing.

[Tristan Bolling]

I try.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's two things.

[Tristan Bolling]

Maybe left arm, but I know it's going to do the same thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm from New York. Oh, I love it.

[Tristan Bolling]

No, it's, it's very, it's fun. I love, I love my job though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, yeah.

[Tristan Bolling]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How Much. How much are you making?

[Tristan Bolling]

Almost nothing. Almost nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your living situation like in New York?

[Tristan Bolling]

I live in 480 square ft with a girlfriend and two cats.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Tristan Bolling]

I smell everybody's shit. It's. It's bad. It's bad. But art, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. What does your girlfriend do?

[Tristan Bolling]

She has a real job.

[H. Foley]

She lives with disappointment.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah. Yeah, she buys groceries for the homeless guy. No, she's a. She's a data analyst at. Yeah, she's got a master's degree and stuff. Wow.

[Red Band]

Nice. You got an Asian.

[Tristan Bolling]

No, no, I'm. No. Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band's got an Asian.

[Red Band]

I want a lead band.

[Tristan Bolling]

You don't live in 400 square feet, you loser.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My bathroom.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yes. All right.

[Red Band]

Damn.

[Tristan Bolling]

That is fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And still. She smells everybody's shit, too.

[Red Band]

Pretty sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because. Because this guy takes it on the ground. Massive, massive dumps. I'm sure. Disgusting. Okay, Tristan, anything else we should know about? Another great performance.

[Tristan Bolling]

It's. It's just. It's a lot of fun. I was going to tell you, I did see something weird in New York. I was outside smoking weed with my buddies, and some random dude came up and asked if we wanted to see his chest tattoos and duh. And so he showed me, and it was Stewie Griffin and Brian Griffin fighting Lois in Marge. Which they teamed up and.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah. And I was just like, are you gonna get any more done? He's like, yeah, I'm gonna get Peter Griffin fighting the chicken right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right here.

[Tristan Bolling]

And then he went in and got in a car he owned. So that made me feel like, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, the car is 200 square feet.

[Tristan Bolling]

I know, I know. I'm like, can I sublet your trunk, brother? I need a podcast studio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tristan, we watched you from your start. We've watched you grow. It's been five or six years we've known you. Tristan. Bowling, everybody.

[Tristan Bolling]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Golden ticket winner, cashing in. He's on the secret show on Thursday. I know that for a fact. I heard you invite him earlier. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, is another inside bucket pool. It's another one at. This is a true audience member here. Jay Legend, of course, is working here, but this is one of you. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for J.C. super speed. J.C. super speed. Is that J.C? that's J.C. okay. All right, here we go. J.C. super speed looked very nervous. Just a heads up. Here he comes, everybody. Austin, Texas.

[J.C. Super Speed]

How y' all doing tonight? Well, it's only one minute, not a lot of time to get me fired. So let's go. Since COVID I work from home now. That means I wear more. I wear more clothes on PTO than anything, right? So speaking of COVID I love watching people who are on their fifth booster, and I'm looking at them on their fifth fucking eyeball just winking at me, right? It's like, bro, what the fuck? Six feet, please. Six feet. That's where that came from, Fauci, you stupid motherfucker. Anyways, so relax, relax, relax. Next one. Relax. Let's come back down. Let's come back down. So I don't know why so many dudes are chopping their dicks off right now. Like, bro, what are you doing? You're gonna get paid so much less. Genital mutilation. That's the real wage gap, you know, all the economy. I'd have a joke for that, but, you know, I can't afford it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I want to hear it. We're going to take the bear out of this element. I'm going to interrupt you right there. You have a lot written down. You have a lot typed out there. This is your first time attempting standup.

[J.C. Super Speed]

First time, Tony, right? First time. First time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's hear.

[Jay Legend]

Give it up.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Give it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's hear some more of these jokes. I want to hear what you wrote. Your biggest laugh of your son set was your new famous tagline, relax, relax, relax, which you said to a room of 400 people that were making no noise whatsoever. And then you said, quote, let's bring it down a bit, all right? Which again, was just people reacting to your usage of relax when nobody was doing anything at all whatsoever. Could be the greatest branding tagline ever. Because, I mean, you had nothing and you said relax, and you got a big laugh.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Whatever works.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wouldn't even have worked if they were laughing. You would have brought down your own laughter had they been laughing. Instead, you took nothing and turned it into something by telling them to do less.

[J.C. Super Speed]

That's how it's done. Austin, Texas. Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to another episode of Accidentally Hilarious with JC Super Speed. A blatant fake name put on his sunglasses after he hit the stage. It's so bright.

[J.C. Super Speed]

It's so bright right now.

[Sean Stewart]

Holy.

[Red Band]

Hey, lights. Relax, relax, relax. Easy does it. I'm working up here.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Calm down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If we could only make them brighter. It's incredible. Okay, who wants to hear more JC Super Speed's jokes? He wrote them out, he typed them out, he printed them out. We so rarely see this anymore. Ladies.

[H. Foley]

Buddy, can I tell You. A little tip.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Come on.

[H. Foley]

You can write with, like, a bigger font.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Yeah, I know.

[H. Foley]

You don't have to accept the font that was given as an adult. This is the kind of thing I know.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Size 13 was a bad choice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He started bigger and then he said, let's bring it down a bit. Let's bring it down. Hear some more. JC Super Speed's written out jokes.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Y' all want to hear a couple more? Let's go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what? You know what? I have a better idea. Is it okay if I read a couple of your jokes? Yeah, pass them down here. Let me see that. Yeah, I'll pick them. I'll pick the ones. JC I'll pick the ones. Let me see that. Hold on. No, no, no. Pass it down. Oh, don't you fucking take my fucking meat and potatoes here.

[Red Band]

Like 20 jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Only one minute. Not a lot of time for me to get fired. Here we go.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Since COVID Covid Fauci, you dumb motherfuck. Okay, we got to that. The real pay gap. Genital mutilation. The economy. I'd have a joke for that one, but I can't afford it right now.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not that I hate gay people. That's all I have so far that says that. See, that was a good. You should have opened with that. There's no way for you to know what was gonna hit and what wasn't. Here we go. I love politics because it's so crazy right now. On one side, they say that there's so many pedos, but you can't see them. Right? And on the other side, they want to take our guns away. What?

[Mark Norman]

I think you got to put the sunglasses on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. Now this says action with Mike. So you do the action, I'll read the joke. You ready?

[Red Band]

Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saw Drake's dick. It's big. Whoa.

[Red Band]

That's pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, wow, wow.

[Red Band]

Pretty good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In fact, I watch it every night to help me go to sleep. It's not gay. It says, action. Just look at the crowd bewildered.

[H. Foley]

Just look at them be bewildered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then it says, let me explain. Action. Turn mic upside down and use it as pendulum go to sleep. Then open eyes wide. Okay.

[Red Band]

This is like if an alien tried to do stand up comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then it says, diddy was here. What did you mean by Diddy was here?

[J.C. Super Speed]

I mean Diddy was here on Drake's dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's what I meant.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Okay, that's what I meant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

JC super speed. Absolutely incredible.

[Red Band]

Can I keep this?

[Treasure Jackson]

Thank you, everybody.

[Red Band]

I'm learning how to not do stand up. No, you're a cool. You're like la Bamba.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, J.C. super speed. Let's talk about it. You're. How old are you?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Oh, man, 40 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

40?

[Cam Patterson]

No way.

[J.C. Super Speed]

This is 40 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, good. Ari, what do you think about this?

[H. Foley]

Those are Mexican years. I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what it is.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Yeah, 40 years old. I'm sorry.

[Red Band]

Ever landscaped?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Never in my life.

[Red Band]

That's why I got married.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you got married to a white woman?

[J.C. Super Speed]

I sure did.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does she do for work?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Landscaping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

JC super speed. Very good.

[H. Foley]

That's the super speed we're talking about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. There he. Oh, the mic's out of the mic standing. Here we go. He's cooking. He's living the dream, folks. He got a big laugh and now. Oh, he's telling the crowd he wants some more. Oh, my God. J.C. feeling the momentum, wrapping the cord around his hand one time. JC Feeling the momentum, riding the wave. Okay, JC here's the next question.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else do you do other than this? Other than work, what else are you into?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Just a whole bunch of shit. I mean, watching. Well, since COVID I bring it up again, started working from home. Right. So that means I don't work anymore. What does that mean?

[H. Foley]

Mowing your own lawn?

[J.C. Super Speed]

I've seen my wife mow it like three times during the day. You know, I just got to put her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just keep going. Keep going, though. What else are you into other than working from home? Other than this?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Well, ever since working from home became a homebody, to. To be honest, I mean, just watching podcasts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you live?

[J.C. Super Speed]

San Antonio, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[J.C. Super Speed]

San Antonio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's where you're born and raised?

[J.C. Super Speed]

I was born and raised in Bronzeville, Texas for a couple years and yeah, moved to San Antonio and just never left it until you guys showed up, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And then you still haven't left it?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Brian Cook]

Pretty much.

[Red Band]

Pretty much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

You got any kids, buddy?

[J.C. Super Speed]

I have two kids.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have two kids.

[H. Foley]

Six months than should be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been with your wife? Wife?

[J.C. Super Speed]

I've been with my wife for almost 20 years. 20 years in January? 20 years in January. Next January.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are your kids?

[Red Band]

Wow.

[J.C. Super Speed]

I got a 16 year old and a 13 year old.

[Red Band]

So your wife's 28.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Don't do the math on that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, G.C. what else about your entire life would we find interest interesting about you? You have a crazy family or anything or ever do anything Crazy?

[J.C. Super Speed]

No, not so crazy or anything like that. Let's see, I'm a. My job, my day to day, I'm a government contracts consultant, so I do that. It's just as crazy as you would think with the news going on every day.

[Red Band]

Jesus Christ. What the hell was that? And then, Foley, a heart attack. Here. Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This.

[Mark Norman]

Somebody get me an OIC.

[Arpit Jane]

And then.

[J.C. Super Speed]

And then before that, I spent 12 years in the army.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. That would be a big deal. Twelve years in the army would be something that about your life. So what did you do in the Army?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Anything and everything that they told me to do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You ever kill any sand rabbits?

[J.C. Super Speed]

No, but I saw a lot of them. How's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You saw a lot of them?

[J.C. Super Speed]

Saw a lot of them. You know, I did a deployment to Iraq. Convoy security. You know, just driving, commodities wrapping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another loop around your hand with a mic cord. This is.

[H. Foley]

It's a double loop, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's. Oh, there's the triple. Whoa. The quad, the quintuple loop. Ladies and gentlemen, we've never even seen this before. Whoa. Oh, my God. He's created his first time ever doing stand up and he's created his own way of holding the mic. Oh, whoa, whoa. The old twisty anything. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, there you go.

[Cam Patterson]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Red Band]

Relax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he has no idea how to put that. Oh, wow. Very good.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Just like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're very good.

[H. Foley]

He's done cheap electrical work before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it in there? JC Talk.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Test, test, Mike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[J.C. Super Speed]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You even know what to say? How did you know to say test? Test, one, two. You've seen that on movies or television? Well, well, I gotta tell you. Whoa, whoa. Everybody. Whoa.

[Mark Norman]

Thank you, Tony. I appreciate the question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Relax, relax. Burn. Ring it down, everybody. Whoa. Let me tell you, I've been watching

[Red Band]

a lot of television.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And check, check, 1, 2. I've been working inside. Don't know if I mentioned that I'm a real homebody.

[Red Band]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wait. Oh. Looks like I slipped and fell. Uh. Oh. Whoa.

[Mark Norman]

Covid is crazy, am I right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. J.C. you've been with your woman for 20 years. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? How do you keep her satisfied?

[Red Band]

Wraps her up on a microphone cable.

[Mark Norman]

He has his sex moves written down step by step.

[Arpit Jane]

That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Step number one, put on your good Van Halen shirt. Adjust the sunglasses.

[Red Band]

Relax, baby. It'll be over in a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

JC Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You popped your cherry. There's a little joke book. Make Some noise for him. JC Super Speed. Make some noise for one of the most powerful regulars in the history of the show. You know him, you love him. The living legend. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, I gotta be. Wait, I gotta be quick. This is a long one. My first kiss was to my sister. Cousin. I'm not gonna give you time to think about that. Understand? This. This how my family tree went. My daddy fucked my mama, made me. My dad fucked my stepmom. Made my little sister, right? My little sister, we the same age. My stepmom got a brother, he smoked crack. Nothing do with the story. I just wanted to tell y' all that he met another crackhead. They made a crack baby, right? This crack baby was cute. And we were born around the same time. We would all sleep in the same bed when we was little kids, right? I'd be in the middle, my sister be on the left.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Crap.

[Cam Patterson]

Baby be on the right.

[William Montgomery]

And then one day.

[Cam Patterson]

One day, my dad was like, hey, man, come in. About time I told you. You a grown man now. I was 11 years old, right? He was like, listen, that crack baby is not your cousin. You do with that as you will. And then he disappeared into the shadows. So I left. My dick, just started getting hard. Went back in the room. I was ready to fuck something, right? So I get back in the room, I'm in the middle, my sister on the left. And she like, I can tell y' all yet, but she a big ass fat bitch, right? So she got a CPAP machine on the whole time, and she just dying in her sleep, right? And I go, hey, crack baby, can I get a kiss? And she was like, yeah. And then we kissed. And I loved it. I hate that kiss now. Cause in 2018, she decided she didn't want to be a girl no more. I'm an ally of the gays. But I didn't choose to, nigga. I was drafted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is hilarious. Wow. Cam Patterson has done it again.

[Jay Legend]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

That bitch look just like me, so. Swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

It's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are the same age.

[Cam Patterson]

We're the same age. Yeah. She look just like me. Like my twin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Cam Patterson]

You know, like, she a thug, too. So it's like dapping up a nigga look just like me. That I kissed before is crazy. Like, it's insane. Cause when we was little kids, she was just kissing everybody. She kissed all my friends. So I was like, now we can finally kiss. And now she. Now she's just like, I don't want to be a bitch no more and that shit. I hate her now. It's upsetting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she's like a lesbian?

[Cam Patterson]

Nigga, She a nigga, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bacon soda. Have you not been listening? What is wrong with you? Tony?

[Cam Patterson]

That's a dude. She a dude now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's a dude. So she took, like, testosterone and stuff.

[Cam Patterson]

She looked just like me.

[H. Foley]

Wait, are you saying you also can't tell them apart?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you ever hang out with her?

[Cam Patterson]

Nah. When I go back home, I try to just. It make me feel weird, bro. Yeah, copy dapping up and shit. I should be like, nigga, you was my first introduction to women. Like, you feel me, right? It's just. Yeah, it's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys laugh about it. Do you ever bring.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't talk about it with her. I don't talk about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, why wouldn't you bring it up to her? You're a comedian.

[Cam Patterson]

I know.

[H. Foley]

You could just bust balls.

[Cam Patterson]

I should bring it up more. I should talk about it more. We do hang out when I go back home and shit. We say what's up?

[Arpit Jane]

And shit.

[Cam Patterson]

You feel what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you guys do, like, drive bys or something like that?

[Red Band]

She picks you up in that Trans Am.

[Cam Patterson]

Hey, that was hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love it. I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

That was hard as fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, I mean, wow. So she started as a. She became a he. It's like a reverse Madea movie or something like that.

[Cam Patterson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. What is. What is. Does she go by she or is she identified as a he now?

[Cam Patterson]

I just call her my dog, my cousin.

[Tristan Bolling]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

I call she my cousin again now. You know what I'm saying?

[Mark Norman]

Right?

[Cam Patterson]

That's my cousin. Like, what's up? Good to see you again. What the was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's Red Band. Understood that she's one of your dogs. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

That was the whitest thing ever. Yeah, I feel you, bro.

[Cam Patterson]

That was a Yorkie. What the was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Woof, woof. So what does she do for work?

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know, man. I don't talk to her like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That.

[Cam Patterson]

I just know we kissed and that was the end of the whole thing. And then one day she was like, what's up? I'm a. I like, God damn.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[H. Foley]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we. We're finding out that you are a gay man.

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Cam's gay. Don't do that. What a twist. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We found out everyone jokes about how I'm gay, that I'm actually straight. Everyone Thought you were straight. Turns out you're gay as fuck. Absolutely incredible. Happy he's coming out on Pride Month. How exciting, everybody. Hey, did I tell you.

[Cam Patterson]

Did I tell you what my dad said? Why? My sister. My sister asked my dad. She was like, dad, if I was. If I was gay, would you. You know what I'm saying? Would you, like. Would you support me? And then my dad was like, yeah, I support your ass going to hell. And then my little sister just went. Just went, well, I see you in hell then. And my dad went, I'm not gonna be on the gay side of hell. Like, there was two hells.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm be up here with the real niggas. You gonna be on the gay side of hell, nigga. That's on you, ma'.

[Treasure Jackson]

Am.

[Cam Patterson]

Go ahead.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Red Band]

Little Cam X. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I'm not dumb, but I like cocks. That don't even sound good. Yeah, dude, it's all starting today, dude, there's a whole new branding for everything with you. Bro.

[Cam Patterson]

Bro, I've been. I've been holding. I. I shouldn't. I should just keep this one in the bag. And I was like, it. I ain't got nothing else now. Here we go. God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope, it's out. Now, when you hear that sound, that means. That means you're gay now. Why is there a baby here again?

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, can I tell you something funny?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhoh.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay, so you know, the abortion said people was mad or whatever, right? But my dog, my homeboy that I be with all the time. You want to read this?

[H. Foley]

Yeah, sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Bet.

[Cam Patterson]

Now it got. Okay, look.

[Red Band]

Now there's pictures of dudes on here,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

but don't look at them.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, no, no.

[Red Band]

Bad cam. Can't read.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm looking for it so bad. All right, so yesterday. Look, yesterday was Father's Day, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right there.

[Cam Patterson]

Find that. Read it over real quick before you.

[Jay Legend]

Before you.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm saying? But this one right here is. My dog sent me that, cuz I had the abortion. So read. Read that right if you want to read it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which one?

[Cam Patterson]

No, no, no. Right here. Right there.

[Red Band]

You had an abortion?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, but. Yeah. I said. Yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

It's a long story.

[Red Band]

Juneteenth, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You want.

[Cam Patterson]

Do you want to read it? You don't got to read it if

[Sean Stewart]

you don't want to read it.

[H. Foley]

I don't mind it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't. Wait, you had an. I can't. You had. When was the abort. I didn't know you could get dudes pregnant.

[Cam Patterson]

I this here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. We got a new gay guy on the show, everybody. Tony, that's you. Let me in.

[Cam Patterson]

You can't recruit me to be gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari Shapir. Reading the text from one of your dogs.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, my dog, my home, my best friend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's your dog?

[Cam Patterson]

You sent me that on Father's Day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One could say that's your nword.

[H. Foley]

Happy Father's Day. You. Even though you pushed that hoe down the stairs. And that. And that baby playing ball with Kobe. Now,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would the baby end up in hell?

[Red Band]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa.

[Cam Patterson]

Too far. You can call me gay, but you can't say Kobe went to hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I ain't. That's crazy.

[Red Band]

He's totally in gay hell, too. You were almost a helicopter parent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Red Band, relax. Red Band's getting a blister on his finger from all these sound effects. Unbelievable. My goodness, Cam. Yet again, somehow you always find a way to pull out a unbelievable set. An unbelievable interview. You are such a rock star.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. You did it again, Cam. Motherfucking Patterson. Make some more noise for Cam, everybody. He's on tour all over the world. Theaters, sold out, comedy clubs everywhere. Everything. The real deal. Okay, I pulled another name out of the bucket. This stage is tight. Tonight. We are moving along. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Arpit Jane or Jian. Arpit. Jian.

[Arpit Jane]

Thank you. Thank you. So make some noise if you grew up playing any sports. I'm a former athlete myself. I grew up playing the Indian national sport of competitive spelling bees. Yeah, actually, I went to my cousin's basketball game this weekend. He's the athlete of the family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's cool, though.

[Arpit Jane]

Cause we got the same nicknames. The kids call him Curry. Cause he shoots like Steph. And the kids called me Curry because they were racist. Yeah, if I missed a shot, they'd yell out, there goes another tower. Yeah. I was also in ninth grade when Harold and Kumar came out. And for the whole year, everyone called me Kumar.

[Ari Shaffir]

Kumar.

[Arpit Jane]

And I couldn't even get mad about it. Cause that's my legal middle name.

[Jay Legend]

Even though I'm Indian.

[Arpit Jane]

I actually grew up in Africa. But we ended up having to move because it was really unsafe. And we kept getting robbed. And like most Indian immigrants, my parents first started working at a 7 11. And that was really unsafe. They kept getting robbed. So that kind of confused me. Because if you think about it, we really just traded getting robbed by Africans, getting robbed by African Americans kind of Seems like a lateral move. Thank you, everyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Arpit. James Jian.

[Arpit Jane]

Jane.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jane. Arpit. Yeah. Arpit. So it's. That's a bad name. It was growing up. Yeah, it's a bad name, especially for an Indian guy.

[Arpit Jane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause you guys famously don't smell. You want to finish that? Good.

[Red Band]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was the answer I was looking for. You guys have a smell to you. It's actually. I have a little bit of BO tonight, so I really actually do. I played drums before we opened the doors tonight for an extra half hour, and I stink. So I can relate to you because I slightly smell tonight for some reason, my great deodorant is. Isn't working. And I'm also. I can relate to you because I am also a great speller.

[Arpit Jane]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What words did you go out on in your spelling bees?

[Arpit Jane]

So this was in sixth grade. Damn. You know what? I honestly don't remember. I know that I cheated on it, though, so went out of the. To go into the. For the. All the middle schools in our area. But I can't remember the word I lost on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't remember the word you lost on?

[Arpit Jane]

So when we were practicing for or when we were taking the actual test to qualify, I had the word bank underneath my shoe in my backpack, and I was kind of just looking at it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. My goodness.

[Arpit Jane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're the guy that people are supposed to cheat off of.

[Arpit Jane]

I know. Not on spelling, though. Not on spelling.

[Brian Cook]

Everything else.

[Arpit Jane]

I feel confident.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Mark Norman]

Spell cinnamon.

[Arpit Jane]

C, I, N, A, M, M, O,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

N. No, that's wrong. Is it. Is it double M? Yeah, double N. I said double M. Him.

[Jay Legend]

I said.

[Arpit Jane]

Mm.

[H. Foley]

I like how just watching him, like, he's like, I don't really know.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Arpit Jane]

I'm a terrible speller.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a terrible speller.

[Arpit Jane]

I'm a bad speller.

[Red Band]

I thought he was gonna ask him to spell roast beef or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about impass?

[Mark Norman]

Spell roast beef.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spell impass.

[Arpit Jane]

Impass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you want me to use it in a sentence or anything like that? It's a French origin.

[Arpit Jane]

I'mma go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was going to cross the bridge, but I came to an impass.

[Arpit Jane]

I'm going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go.

[Arpit Jane]

I am P, A, S. Come on.

[Red Band]

This is like a black guy who can't dance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm terrible at spelling.

[Red Band]

This is great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True. Ari, would you like to do it correctly?

[Brian Cook]

I would.

[H. Foley]

I, M, P, A, S, S, E. Impass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is correct. That's the word. That's the word that got me. I went to the. I went to the. I went to the whole City one, because I won my school one and I was in fourth grade, and these gave me impasse. A very hard word when you're in fourth grade. Oh, my God, you have a pipe too.

[H. Foley]

I'm an adult now, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did that. Did that come with the rest of the outfit?

[H. Foley]

All that dick stuff's in the past.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Okay, so our pit. What do you do for work? What exactly do you do with computers and technology now?

[Arpit Jane]

So, actually, as of January, I'm doing comedy full time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Arpit Jane]

But before that I was cpa, so I used to work on skid row as the CFO at a homeless shelter and then took a remote job so I could move out to Austin. But then I committed to doing comedy January 1st.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay, so you're doing comedy full time for a living?

[Arpit Jane]

Not a living yet. I haven't made much, but. But digging into my savings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you have savings? Yeah. Right, because you were a cpa.

[H. Foley]

Ari, I'm looking to get my customer service, like, better at Spectrum, and I keep getting the run around. If you could just get someone to tell me why I don't get 35 megabytes.

[Arpit Jane]

That's not even in India anymore. It's all AI now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, yeah. Pussy. Take that, you pedophile looking motherfucker. Arpit, what do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life.

[Arpit Jane]

Love to be active every day. I'm doing a sport, whether golf or MMA or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of MMA do you do?

[Arpit Jane]

Jiu jitsu and just MMA sparring classes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Arpit Jane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you shadow box for us a little bit? Put the mic in the mic stands in some shadow boxing music. Whoa. Oh. Oh, my God.

[Mark Norman]

What are you talking about? I know the Electric Slide when I see it.

[Red Band]

Just look like you were at an Indian at an Indian wedding. Loved it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Arpit, do you have a girlfriend?

[Arpit Jane]

I don't. I'm single right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What type of girl are you into?

[Arpit Jane]

I had my white face. I feel like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I think, like, it ended badly for you. You're over the whites?

[Arpit Jane]

No, I just feel like I know eventually I'd like to marry someone Indians. Just culturally easier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Easier for you to keep a relationship with your parents?

[Arpit Jane]

No, I just. I think when I was younger, like, the longest relationship I had, five years, they were Egyptian. But, yeah, I think ultimately it would just be easier long term. Someone Indian? Just saying, no.

[Red Band]

Good with the Egyptians.

[Arpit Jane]

She looked more Indian than I did, but it still.

[Red Band]

Yeah, sounds like a pyramid scheme.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Red Band]

I'm gonna kill myself.

[Nick Farrell]

Sorry.

[Arpit Jane]

I went to A dating convention. This earlier this year, though, you know, I'm trying to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You went to a what?

[Arpit Jane]

A dating convention.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Get the out of here.

[Arpit Jane]

Yeah, it was in New York.

[Red Band]

That's so Indian.

[Arpit Jane]

It was an Indian one. It was an Indian one.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was an Indian dating convention, yeah. Oh, that place had to re. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? It's probably smelled like Tristan's 420 square foot apartment. Oh, my God. I'm kidding. Not all Indians smell bad. Do you smell bad?

[Arpit Jane]

I mean, I don't think I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ari. With a nose like that, we're about to find out.

[H. Foley]

He smells fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. Absolutely incredible.

[Red Band]

Ari, the sniffing detective.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the smell.

[Mark Norman]

Sommelier.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Another crime solved. When will we need his detective work again? Who knows?

[Red Band]

Shercock?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Holmes. Holmes. Shylock Holmes. That's it.

[Red Band]

There it is. There it is.

[H. Foley]

Shotlock's such a good old one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That's a whole sketch series.

[H. Foley]

He couldn't have stolen the money because the money's gone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what you're talking about. I'm gonna have to dig an underground tunnel to solve this one.

[Red Band]

Let me go back to my iron dome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you feel about the Jews?

[Sean Stewart]

Oh,

[H. Foley]

Wait a while before you answer that one.

[Arpit Jane]

I don't feel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he had less trouble with the word impasse.

[Arpit Jane]

You just got real Zionists. I would, you know, but like, I think. Nothing wrong with anyone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But how do you feel about the Zionists?

[Arpit Jane]

Anything extreme, I think is. Is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you feel about them? Go ahead, say it. What would you do to one if there was one tied up?

[Cam Patterson]

I wouldn't.

[Arpit Jane]

I. Me personally, I wouldn't do anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You wouldn't do a thing. You wouldn't untie them. That's terrible. It's absolutely incredible. I mean, it was a very simple question. If there was one tied up, would you? Looking at my senior Jew correspondent, Peter Shore, he's like.

[H. Foley]

You weren't even on tie.

[Red Band]

He's Indian, though. It's a different kind of hamas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true. What do you think is the most Indian thing about you, Arpit? Other than your name and your middle name and everything else about you?

[Arpit Jane]

I'm vegetarian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, say vegetarian.

[Arpit Jane]

Vegetarian.

[H. Foley]

You like black news music?

[Arpit Jane]

Yeah. That's Indian, you said. You said black music, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It has Indian origins, right?

[H. Foley]

No, I just think you guys all listen to black music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You think. You think hip hop has Indian origins?

[Arpit Jane]

No, the bass has a lot of Punjabi influence.

[Red Band]

Ah, really?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

That explains the lyft driver.

[Arpit Jane]

My music teacher told me that growing up. I mean, I never fact checked it, but wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

The musicians are disagreeing with him.

[Red Band]

Oh, really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Arpit Jane]

Yeah, I never fact checked it to be fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Okay. Well, our pit congratul, John D's just said his music teacher sucked. Arpit. I don't remember. Was it a little joke book? What do you guys think? Little or big? Big.

[Red Band]

Big.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little. Here you go, our bit. There you go. Better luck next time, everybody.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. We're gonna keep this fun train moving along. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next comedian, Nick Farrell, everybody. Nick Farrell is next. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Here he comes, his Kill Tony debut, Nick Barrel.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Nick, everybody.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

Cool. Hell, yeah. We got a sexy crowd here tonight. You guys give yourselves a hand for coming out, being sexy. Yeah. Cool. Couple of the wrong people clap. But that's okay. I didn't clap either. I don't think I'm sexy. I don't know why she laughed. I'm just not very smooth with women, I think is my issue. Like, I kind of just take my whole thing any chance I get. I was out at a bar talking to a girl the other night, and it was surprisingly going kind of well. And then, like, out of nowhere, she leaned in and she asked if I liked rough sex. I don't know what to say to that, guys. So I just tried to, you know, play cool, be honest. And so I told her I have eczema, So I might be like, the roughest sex you ever fucking have, baby. Thank you. Yeah, they didn't call me old 60 grit in high school for no reason, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

You guys like that? Way more than she liked it. Surprising, though. We kept talking some, and she was like, I think it'd be hot if you could, like, handcuff me to your bed frame. And I was like, I'm flattered you think I have a bed frame. Hey, thank you, guys. Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nick Farrell. Solid set. Nick, this is your first time on the show, correct?

[Nick Farrell]

Yes, first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Nick Farrell]

Like, three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you live?

[Nick Farrell]

Fayetteville, Arkansas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Red Band]

Welcome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Red Band]

Sin City.

[Nick Farrell]

It's okay. I'll hold this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you made a trip here just for this?

[Nick Farrell]

I grew up and born and raised in Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

I work for the school district. District in Fayetteville. So, like, I'm on summer right now, just staying with my folks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what do you do for the school district?

[Nick Farrell]

I'm the District photographer.

[Sean Stewart]

Come on,

[Nick Farrell]

chill, chill, chill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nah, that's bad.

[Red Band]

Creepy. Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're taking pictures of children for a living. Ari Shafir. High five.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A big win for the pedophiles.

[Mark Norman]

Something like a case for show.

[Nick Farrell]

There's, there's a lot of money in pictures of kids these days.

[Red Band]

So I'm doing Kevin Spacey's out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you literally specialize in taking school pictures?

[Red Band]

Well, no.

[Nick Farrell]

So like I don't take like school. I don't do like, like life touch stuff like anytime. There's like grants for any. Like we get like a lot of money in grants. And so like I get to go to like most of the fun day. Like I go to like field trips and I go to like, if someone gets a check for like something, it's really awesome shit guys. I'd love to talk more about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well believable.

[Red Band]

I thought the jokes were good. Thank you. Unlike your hair, you're a head and shoulders above the rest.

[Nick Farrell]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where'd you get good at? Stand up.

[Nick Farrell]

We actually have like a pretty sweet scene in Fayetteville, like northwest Arkansas. Northwest. Okay. Northwest Arkansas is cooler than like all Arkansas. And we got like, we can hit, we can hit spots like every night and then do shows, like Friday, Saturday shows. And so like I'm getting a lot of stage time, which is sweet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you say that there's a pretty sweet scene, what exactly do you mean? The population is 99,000 people.

[Nick Farrell]

Sweet scene in the sense of like I'm going like open mics have like a lot of people in them still. So it's like like, you know, the thing that's different here is like I go to open mics and it's like there's not really anyone besides like two comics that are mad you're there and like there it's like room. So I feel like I get more better gauge of if jokes work or not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Nick Farrell]

24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24 years old. And you have a full time job in Fayetteville. So how long ago did you move to Arkansas?

[Nick Farrell]

I went to the U of A and I graduated from. I graduated from there two years ago. So now I just live and work there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're a Razorback.

[Nick Farrell]

Woo woo. Pig baby. I'm not like, I'm not die hard at any sport. I don't give a fuck about sports.

[Mark Norman]

But did, did you major in taking pictures of little kids at that was just. Or was that your minor?

[Nick Farrell]

It was my passion project.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Little Mark Gorman running off on me.

[Sean Stewart]

Hell yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

Comedy team Kendrick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay. What's your love life like out there in Fayetteville?

[Nick Farrell]

Killing it. Crushing it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

A lot of Arkansas pigs.

[Nick Farrell]

Lot of pigs. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

I'm just knee deep in the slop, dude. Every night it's. It's slow. It's not going great. No, it's fine. I'm chilling. Let's talk about the kids some more.

[Red Band]

You know, he's more nervous talking about his dating life than taking pictures of children.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, let's talk about it. The look. You play rock music or something like that? Do you do something that matches your look? Taking pictures of children? I mean, I do this when I.

[Nick Farrell]

When I take the pictures. Yeah, no, this is just. I'm bad at scheduling haircuts. I like long hair.

[Tristan Bolling]

It's nice.

[Mark Norman]

You skateboard?

[Nick Farrell]

Nope. No. I went one time to the skate park while I was in college, my

[Red Band]

second year of college, just to take pictures.

[Nick Farrell]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[Mark Norman]

No talent out there.

[Sean Stewart]

You got out of there?

[Nick Farrell]

Well, no, I thought that maybe that could be an arc, but I got called a poser by some kids because I wouldn't drop in the pool.

[Red Band]

He was on roller skates. Watch out now.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Coming through.

[Mark Norman]

You guys got a pretty sweet scene here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us something about your life, Nick, that would surprise us. What makes you different than all the other humans in the world? You got a crazy story or something?

[Nick Farrell]

I really fuck heavy with Blue Bell ice cream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. When you say you do that, my man.

[Mark Norman]

This kid's all right.

[Nick Farrell]

Yeah. I was riding with him through the holy Coli scare. I did not give a fuck. I was eating gallons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How hard do you with ice cream? Tell us more about this.

[Nick Farrell]

I. I pretty. Pretty hard. I guess I could eat, like, nightly, probably. I'd probably hit, like, some. Some Dutch chocolate. Blue Bell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Red Band]

Whoa. Jesus Christ.

[Nick Farrell]

I'm not trying to brag. Sorry.

[Red Band]

We got a real Hunter Biden over here. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're just eating ice cream and not getting.

[Nick Farrell]

No, that's literally my whole brand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like Blue Bell and blue balls.

[Nick Farrell]

I'm nutting for the record.

[H. Foley]

So, like, when you're done taking pictures of these kids, you're like, you know, I got a freezer full of ice cream.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Nick Farrell]

Yeah. They told me I had to stop pulling up to the schools, playing the music. And so they were like, never mind. Blond.

[Red Band]

You don't put on the weight for eating ice cream. You're thin as a rail. Yeah, you look good.

[Nick Farrell]

Thanks, dude. Hell yeah.

[Red Band]

You look like Ari's Holocaust dad. Sorry.

[Nick Farrell]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible stuff, Nick. Is there Anything else we should know about you before moving along?

[Nick Farrell]

No, this was good. There's a lot of people. You can get me out of here. That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you, giving up his time for the thousands of other people.

[Nick Farrell]

Y' all have seen plenty of me. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll be back. Yeah, I'll be back. Nick, what's the longest set you've ever

[Nick Farrell]

done on like 25 minutes? 20 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love to have you on the Secret show Thursday. Wow. Nick. Nick. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Nick Barrell, ladies and gentlemen. All right, keeping it moving along. We're flying through them tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Your next bucket pool is Sean Stewart, everybody. Sean Stewart. Here we go. Sean Stewart. Woo.

[Sean Stewart]

Howdy, y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah. So I'm recently single. Let's hear for the single people here. You know, it wasn't my choice though. No, it was very abrupt. My ex ended things. I walked into the house and she had the shotgun in her mouth and her brains were all back of the fucking wall.

[Red Band]

Jesus Christ.

[Sean Stewart]

And I was like, jesus Christ, bitch. You gave me a mess to clean up too. I did the dishes last night. It was your chore night. What the fuck is this? I didn't know I was dating Kurt Cobain. Oh, this does not smell like Teen Spirit. No, it doesn't. Smells like a conjuring, if anything. Know the worst part about that night?

[Red Band]

No.

[Tristan Bolling]

Head.

[Sean Stewart]

Pissed me off, man. I bought that couch too. The Audacity. Perfect timing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sean Stewart. So let's talk about it. Sean, welcome. First time on the show, correct?

[Sean Stewart]

Second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Did your girlfriend really kill herself?

[Sean Stewart]

No, I was actually talking to another comic. I was like, yeah, my ex ended things. He was like, she killed herself? I was like, no, but that'd be a good joke, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Ari?

[H. Foley]

Yeah. I gotta talk to you about your outfit.

[Red Band]

Why? What could possibly be wrong with this outfit?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

Who stole your clothes?

[Sean Stewart]

Dude, I went to the gym before this. I, like, signed up for the open mic and then I ran to Gold's real quick.

[Red Band]

What, to sell steroids? What are you doing there?

[Sean Stewart]

I'm not. I'm not that big. I wish I was, but it'll work out. Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Red Band]

Justin. I drowned my wife in a Timberlake.

[Sean Stewart]

I used to look like a 40 year old lesbian back in the day, so.

[Red Band]

Really?

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Oh, he wasn't. Cam Patterson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So welcome. Sean. What do you do for work?

[Sean Stewart]

I work at like a back office for a call center. A big old telephone company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you trying to move to the front Office at some point?

[Sean Stewart]

Not really. I'm trying to move away from customers. I hate talking to these people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you're in the back office.

[Tristan Bolling]

Yeah.

[Sean Stewart]

And so there's. If they ever get to me, it's just because somebody really escalated up the ladder, and then I like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So if they escalate really up the ladder, they get you sexy back.

[Sean Stewart]

Well, you dress the job you want. Huh?

[Red Band]

Sorry.

[Sean Stewart]

No, I just don't want to talk to them. Once they get to me, I'm like. I spend more time trying to avoid work than I do working, I feel like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And it's like, I'm surprised that you do that for a living. Like, you don't even.

[Sean Stewart]

It pays the bills, you know?

[Red Band]

What do you have to wear to work?

[Sean Stewart]

This. Sometimes I have to put this on because I'm joining a meeting and I'm shirtless and I'm like, oh, oh, Gotta

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

throw on my wife beater.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, it's better than nothing. I'm mad. I actually got a stain on this one. I went to go put on the Carmex lip gloss. Not the lip gloss.

[Red Band]

Lip gloss. No, no. I had a couple of boys. I was getting ready to smooch the

[Sean Stewart]

chapstick filling on the chapstick. I took the cap off in my car, and it squirted all over my shirt. I was like, ah, shit. And I didn't bring an extra shirt, and so I just had to wear this.

[Red Band]

Thank God you got the. Nice necklace. Really evens it out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible. Is that real gold? Is that real gold necklace?

[Red Band]

Yeah, gold's too.

[Sean Stewart]

You're white. Oh, yeah, it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, whoa. Where'd you get the necklace from?

[Sean Stewart]

Passed down. My dad gave it to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Smuggle that out of Vietnam and his ass.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, no, he was from Florida, so.

[H. Foley]

Okay.

[Mark Norman]

So he just. That's a family heirloom right there.

[Sean Stewart]

You can't tell at all, but I'm actually, like, quarter Cuban. My grandfather was, like, came over here on the boat escaping communism back in the day. So that's where I think they got it from. A little bit there, it was like, oh, yeah, this fits you. So I try to look a little bit Cuban, but you can't tell at

[Red Band]

all because you are the whitest dude I've ever seen in my life. Exactly.

[Sean Stewart]

The rest of me is all, like, inbred, European, Polish, Irish, Scottish.

[Red Band]

Really?

[H. Foley]

You know Ari Matty.

[Sean Stewart]

Nuh. No know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is Estonian.

[Sean Stewart]

Estonian. That's better than. What's the. What's the one race, like, where it's like caveman kind of Neanderthal.

[H. Foley]

Neanderthal country, dude.

[Red Band]

Different country. You from Neanderthal land?

[Mark Norman]

You guys going to be in the Olympics this year?

[Red Band]

Yeah, dude. You are.

[H. Foley]

Do you think the Netherlands is full of cavemen?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think that's what he thinks.

[H. Foley]

I think that is what he thinks.

[Sean Stewart]

Do you think. I didn't really know what you would call somebody from the Netherlands. Another person, like, Dutch. Dutch. I actually dated somebody who was Dutch.

[Red Band]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really.

[H. Foley]

That's what they call someone who's a dunce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Sean, what do you do for fun? I can't even imagine what a guy like you.

[Sean Stewart]

I just got back from Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh. Oh yeah.

[Sean Stewart]

I went for a. A rim to rim trip with 50 other guys. And what was rim to rim trip?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A what trip?

[Sean Stewart]

Rim to rim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That explains the carmax. It.

[Sean Stewart]

It ended up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got two dog. Don't worry. There it is.

[H. Foley]

Is that. Is that the Grand Canyon or human?

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, I didn't. It's a Grand Canyon. I was disappointed to find out we weren't rubbing assholes together. I was like, oh, shit. I was like, 50 dudes rim to rim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean?

[Sean Stewart]

You walk from one end of the Grand Canyon all the way to the other end. It's like 24 miles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would you do that?

[Red Band]

You didn't have any money.

[Sean Stewart]

It actually cost me like a thousand dollars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you got ripped.

[Red Band]

You got robbed, dude.

[Sean Stewart]

Well, we had a big old bus. It was like we went on the four wheelers and ATVs. But yeah, 25 miles is a bit too long to hike in a day.

[Nick Farrell]

Yeah, that's a marathon.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, I think like 15, 20 is the most I'll do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, did anything exciting happen or anything fun? Any laughter along the way?

[Sean Stewart]

Technically, I didn't do it in a day. I would have done it in a day, but I started walking with this guy who. He started dying like three miles before we got to the finish. Like, he just started puking and not having a good time. And so I like, called the cops. I just got service like 5, 10.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was he black?

[Sean Stewart]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You called the cops on a white guy? Yeah.

[Sean Stewart]

He was dying. He was growing up.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're supposed to call the medics for that, not the police.

[Sean Stewart]

We were stuck. They got me in contact with the ranger and the ranger's like, we can't get.

[Tristan Bolling]

Get to.

[Sean Stewart]

You're going to have to get to the next cabin and sleep the night. Like, deal with it. And so what the.

[Red Band]

What's going on here?

[Mark Norman]

Guy has A heart attack. You swatted him.

[Red Band]

He's some kind of Neanderthal. Get him.

[Sean Stewart]

We made it to the next three mile marker cabin and then I was on the phone with the ranger. He was like, here's the code to the emergency thing. Here, have a sleeping bag and some other stuff and sleep in the canyon.

[Red Band]

Dude, you're like a human Beavis.

[Mark Norman]

They never found the guy because you kept saying, look for the Cuban guy.

[Sean Stewart]

No, I broke down once I realized we were like stuck in the mountain. We were like three miles from there. And my parents laughed about it because they have like text messages on me like, I'm fucking stuck on the mountain. And then I started, just went to the eggs and I was like, fuck. God fucking damn it. Out into the canyon and I heard an echo, like a real loud echo. And then somebody else yelled you back to me. And I was like, oh, that makes me feel better.

[Red Band]

Did you do any gambling?

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, I played a bit of craps.

[Red Band]

Oh, all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, his pants. I love it.

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Interesting guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, interesting guy.

[H. Foley]

He really opened up after you stopped doing stand up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is stand up something you're passionate about?

[Sean Stewart]

Yeah, I mean, I hate my day job. This is the only thing, like I, I have fun doing it. Other than the gym work and standing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do at the gym exactly? You look like, oh, he's alright. Damn, brother.

[Red Band]

All right.

[Sean Stewart]

It's huge. I went through the whole transformation phase. I thought I was like, really?

[Red Band]

Yeah, you know, lady first.

[Sean Stewart]

No, just the testosterone. I still don't have that. That's too expensive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't move your mouth much when you talk, do you know that?

[Nick Farrell]

No.

[Sean Stewart]

I used to have a lisp. That might be why.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you go comedy? Can you just do that?

[Sean Stewart]

Comedy?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you could do that. Last time you were on, did you get a little joke book or a big joke?

[Sean Stewart]

A tiny joke book.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A tiny one. Well, guess what, buddy, You've moved up to a big one. There you go. Take it to the Grand Canyon with you. Sean Stewart, everybody. Like a young Bill Burr. It's like a builder. Builder.

[Red Band]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I pulled another name out of the bucket. This guy has been on the show before. And since he's been on this show, he became literally one of the biggest comedians in Canada. He's here, ladies and gentlemen. This is a. This is actually a great comic. This is a brand new minute uninterrupted from Ben Bankus, everybody. Ben Bankus. Hilarious, man. It's been a while. Make some noise for Ben, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

Hi.

[Mark Norman]

You know how black People are afraid of police cars. Yeah. That's how white people feel. When we see a Nissan Altima with the bumper falling off. Right? Black people see the police car, they're like, oh, my God, I'm gonna get shot. White people see the Nissan, we're like, somebody's gonna get shot. Probably not me, though. White people only get shot at, like, splash pads. Speaking of black people, Baltimore, the bridge falling down. That was. That was fucking crazy, dude. You know, the crew of that ship, they were all Indian, like, from India. They were just driving it like, this is too big for Uber. Just fucking took it out. And then once it was all demolished, they're like, oh, now it looked like home. Ah, yeah. Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck, yeah. Ben Bankus. Welcome back to the show, Ben.

[Mark Norman]

Thanks, buddy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Been a while.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been on the show numerous times. How long has it been since we last saw you?

[Mark Norman]

I've been on one time in December of 2021.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it was just once.

[Mark Norman]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You're very memorable. I remember you.

[Mark Norman]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was it? November 2021.

[Mark Norman]

It was this. It was. I was on the first Jared Nathan episode.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's why I remember.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a very impactful episode. Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

We're both Canadian, but only he's retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. He is. Fully blown. Globally, it's called. It's an actual condition. Ben, how's life been? Tell us about it.

[Mark Norman]

It's been crazy, actually. So after the first time I got on kill, Tony, like, I found out, like, a month later, I got my girl pregnant.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, look at that.

[Mark Norman]

In Texas, right after they made it illegal to kill it. Ah, so we had to go back to Canada to kill it. No. Yeah, no, we went back to Canada.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many Covid boosters did it take to kill the baby?

[Mark Norman]

I'll be honest, I wouldn't know because we kept the baby and we didn't. We didn't give her any Covid shots because we're not. I know. I know you've had many abortions, but

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

what made you keep the baby?

[Mark Norman]

My mom had just recently got dementia and. I mean, I would have kept. Probably kept the baby anyway, but I felt like I was losing my mom, and I. I was just excited when I found out. So I wasn't. I never really wanted to not keep the baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, but your mom wouldn't even have been mad. She would have forgotten all about this.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, no, she.

[H. Foley]

You met the baby already. He told you this all the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's no better time. There's no better time to get an abortion than when you find out your mother has dementia.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, no, the crazy part is when my mom started getting dementia, she told me about all the abortions she had. Had.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Looks like you're a survivor.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah. Yeah. And. And when we would take the baby to go see her at the. At the home, she'd be like, you're not gonna kill it, are you? Like, she's like, you know, she's like, I. You could still kill that, probably.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Ben, what do you do for work?

[Mark Norman]

I do comedy.

[William Montgomery]

Full time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Full time.

[Brian Cook]

All.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All across Canada.

[Mark Norman]

So when I came here before, you know, I had to get a bunch of paperwork to actually be able to work here, and I'm not woke, so they wouldn't give me all the, like, gay accolades from Just for Laughs and. And you know what I mean? All the other, like, the indigenous comedy festivals or whatever the fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, those things, they don't even exist anymore.

[Mark Norman]

So I just went crazy and posted a lot of my content, made it. Made two comedy specials that are on YouTube and yeah, yeah, cut them up. Had some clips get over, you know, like 5, 10 million views and just started, you know, marketing myself doing. Doing, you know, selling tickets. And now I do that in the States. I. I got on Fox News and got an agent somehow, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mark Norman]

Which is kind of crazy, but there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your last name is Bankus? Ari, what do you think about the last name Bankus?

[H. Foley]

I love it. Oh, my God. It's. It's peaking my interest.

[Red Band]

What are you, Karen? Mortgage with.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. So, Ben, are you Jewish?

[Mark Norman]

My dad's Jewish, so technically I'm not Jewish.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't it crazy that is that he's Jewish and his last name is Bankers? Yeah, we love bankers.

[Red Band]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Norman]

I'm going to have to explain, like, that I'm not Jewish to, like, a jihadi guy one day at the Domain Mall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I think we. We pulled like three of them out of a bucket tonight. Like, there they are. They are.

[Mark Norman]

They're going to storm it and hold the gun to my head and I'm going to be like, technically, by Jewish law, I'm not Jewish.

[Red Band]

They're taking our hijabs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, it's true. It's true. They are human. Across the border every day. So, Ben, what else are you into? Tell us more about your life. What else is going on?

[Mark Norman]

So while I move my family here to Austin, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice. That's huge for a Canadian to be

[Mark Norman]

able to do that. Yeah, I escaped communism and we, like. We also have, like, we. You know, it's diverse there, but we don't have black people. Like, I mean, we have Drake, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. God's plan.

[Mark Norman]

He's also Jewish, but we don't really. Like, we have as many Indian people in Canada as America has black people, so it's, like, safer. But it smells worse.

[Cam Patterson]

Right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Yeah.

[Red Band]

Boy, the Indians are getting it tonight, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they are. This is rough episode for the Indians. Do you believe we call them the Guardians now? Ben, anything else we should know about? Tell us more. I mean, you are just a. You're a little. You're a little.

[Mark Norman]

Little Jews.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Red Band]

Are you worried about.

[Mark Norman]

You know, you want to know something really crazy? Yeah. So today I saw a ufo. Okay, that's pretty crazy. I mean, I'll show you later. But it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more.

[Mark Norman]

Legit. That's what he calls Puerto Rican people. No, I would have called, Called the police. A lot of UFOs around here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mark Norman]

No, it was in the fucking sky. I was walking my dogs and my daughter, she's almost two, we're in the baby carriage, walking in the neighborhood, and I just looked up and I saw one ufo. I tried to film it, but I have, like, my girl's dog's a piece of shit, so it's like, pulling me down. And then it, like, disappeared. So I was like, fuck. And then we just kept walking. And then I saw two more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they were in a line going the same direction. Correct.

[Mark Norman]

They were like two. There was two and then the third one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I tell you something?

[Mark Norman]

It was fucking great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I tell you something? I was on mushrooms last Sunday. A vast amount of mushrooms. Literally twice as much mushrooms that I wanted to be on, thanks to peer pressure from local Austinite Shane Gillis, who literally. I mean, this guy would not fucking take no for an answer. I've never been peer pressured like I was for double the mushrooms. He's so good at it. He literally stopped everything. He went for 10 minutes. I just said, no. I'm like, no, I'm not going to. You don't understand. This is enough for me. He goes, dude, you have to do it for 10 minutes straight. He stopped everything. He turned off the music. We were listening to everything. It was unbelievable. Dude, don't be gay. Exactly. Exactly. You're so gay. You're so gay. I'm going home. You're gay. I'm not gonna even gonna hang out. And I'm not hanging out anymore ever again. And I'm not Doing your show. You're not doing my show. We're not doing anything together ever again. Ever again. I'm not your friend anymore. No more video games, no more swimming pools, no more boat trips. Nothing. We're not doing anything. You're gonna. Anyway, so I end up eating the double amount of mushrooms, and I see a ufo, and then I see another ufo, and they're all in a line together, and I go, oh, my God. And then someone explained to me that Starlink, it's Elon Musk's system that goes directly. It was during the day, right? Yes, it was during the day. Yes, I know. It's fucked up.

[Mark Norman]

It was under the cloud and then went through it. I'll show you later. It was fucked up. I swear to God, bro. I'll fucking send it a red band. You can put the footage online, see what the fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Mark Norman]

I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can I see it right now?

[Mark Norman]

I was sober, too. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is your phone locked?

[Mark Norman]

My phone's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got an unlocker. Let's Give me his phone. Let's go. I want to watch it. Well, maybe it's terrible for this live show, but watch. I'm gonna see it. Show us tonight, and then we're gonna. You're gonna send them the. Actually, here. Just show me real quick.

[Mark Norman]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Starlink, I'm excited to see. Starlink is stuff that we have here in Austin. It's Elon Musk. It's a super satellite WI fi.

[Mark Norman]

So the actual. This is not the actual. Actual video because.

[Jay Legend]

Well, here's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a dramatic.

[Mark Norman]

Because you can't see it in the actual video because it's so fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, then what are you. What are we looking at?

[Mark Norman]

Show. Show him this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is every UFO video anybody's ever.

[Mark Norman]

Show him that video first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[H. Foley]

Clouds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hit play.

[Mark Norman]

You can't see anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, why. Why are you showing me a video if I can't see it?

[Mark Norman]

Because you have to see how crazy this is, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How are we getting. Just handed me a video. You said, hit play, and you go.

[Mark Norman]

You watch this now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here we go.

[Mark Norman]

Screen recording. What happened? Hold it. Hold it straight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's the arrow. I saw the play button over the clouds. I'm like, holy. Look at that triangular object.

[Red Band]

Oh, is that it?

[Mark Norman]

That's a little bird, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

All right.

[Red Band]

Dude, come on, man.

[Mark Norman]

Not a bird, bro.

[Red Band]

This is how QAnon started.

[Mark Norman]

It's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a helicopter.

[Mark Norman]

Yeah, dude. I saw it today, and then I got on Kill Tony. I think it was. It was probably Muhammad we have a

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kill Tony joke book that just so happens to have a alien on it. What are the odds? Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Bankus, everybody. Thank you, Ben.

[Mark Norman]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, we have one last, last bucket poll because we have not had a female comedian yet tonight. So I pulled names out of the bucket until we could get one up here. Equal opportunity, right, ladies? So make some noise. I do hope that this is a woman indeed. Make some noise for Treasure Jackson, everyone. Treasure Jackson. Hell, yeah. Here we go. Treasure.

[Treasure Jackson]

I don't believe in necrophilia. Who do you know that dies with their holes accessible? You know, the ridden mortis sets in. Somebody told me it makes it tighter, but I don't know anybody who's just died busted wide open. It's ridiculous. I actually came here to tell you guys something really important. If anyone has children here, it is very important that you protect your children. There are rappers running up to your kids not to molest them. They're trying to sample them for their songs. There's the kid who says, maybach music. His mother drives a Honda. That child will receive no reparations, and his mom will keep driving that Honda until it breaks down and she has to take one of those lemon lime scooters that you guys got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That

[Treasure Jackson]

last note. Last note. Very important. It is extremely important how you treat people because it will come back on you. I met this dude and he told me, oh, shit, that is terrifying. Okay, well, that's. I'm wrapping it up from there. All right. The dude said, all right, all right. I met the dude and he told me that he may or may not have gotten someone pregnant when he was out of the country. And I chose to look at him as a person instead of the man who made that mistake. And then later on in the evening, I farted. And he looked at me so disgusted, it was almost as if I had told him that I abandoned a child in a foreign country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Treasure Chest Jackson. Hi, Treasure.

[Treasure Jackson]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is your first time on the show, correct?

[Treasure Jackson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long you been doing standup?

[Treasure Jackson]

A year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where at? All in Austin.

[Treasure Jackson]

All in Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That's where you live? Absolutely. How long have you been signing up for the show?

[Treasure Jackson]

This is the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you pick today?

[Treasure Jackson]

I finally could carpool with, like, one other chick and some dudes that I trust.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Red Band]

Nice.

[Treasure Jackson]

I fall asleep driving a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did they make you ride in the back of the car?

[Treasure Jackson]

Of course they did. Look at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[H. Foley]

Did you get a good Rosa parking job?

[Treasure Jackson]

No, I did not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't Treasure, welcome to the show. What do you do for a living, Treasure?

[Treasure Jackson]

I'm an event coordinator at a comic book shop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What kind of events are going. Going on at the comic book shop?

[Treasure Jackson]

So we're gonna have a manga workshop in August.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A what workshop?

[Treasure Jackson]

Manga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Manga.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's like Hentai, but not for perverts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you know about this?

[H. Foley]

I'll now Redbear just got hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Treasure Jackson]

Oh, my God. It's haunted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[Treasure Jackson]

Is your cigarette haunted?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Treasure Jackson]

The sound sounded like it came from.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was Darth Vader.

[Treasure Jackson]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know that's a woman that says Maybach music. Not a kid. It's a woman talking to another woman. She goes, what is this music? I like? It's Maybach music. I like this Maybach music.

[Treasure Jackson]

Well, clearly I'm uninformed, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you adopted by white people?

[Treasure Jackson]

Might as well have been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Treasure Jackson]

Might as well have been, Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You kind of sound white.

[Treasure Jackson]

I get that a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You work at a comic book store that's white.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's actually the only blackowned comic book store in Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a black comic book store.

[Treasure Jackson]

The only.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Here's a. Here's a premise for us to work with. Hell yeah.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The X Dads.

[Red Band]

He's gone in a flash. Aquaman can't swim.

[Treasure Jackson]

My dad is the Invisible man, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, There you go.

[Red Band]

That's black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Half black.

[Treasure Jackson]

No, he's fully black wherever he is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Treasure Jackson]

He's fully black wherever he is.

[Red Band]

Real?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Treasure Jackson]

Nah, he's a snitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. So what is it like at an all black comic book store? Is there someone there to read for the people?

[Treasure Jackson]

It's not a literacy program. And there are pictures.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We get a lot of very important business hours.

[Mark Norman]

12:30 to 1:00'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Clock.

[Treasure Jackson]

We have a lot of indie comics, which is awesome. But then we also have like a lot of mainstream stuff too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's a chill place to be. It's very welcoming, very cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's it called?

[Treasure Jackson]

Gulf Coast Cosmos.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gulf Coast.

[Treasure Jackson]

He wanted to be bigger than Bedrock City, so he chose.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that the white comic book store?

[Treasure Jackson]

No, it's like a. It's like a chain.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I don't know.

[Treasure Jackson]

Presumably wide, I guess. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're into comics, right? How long have you worked in that industry?

[Treasure Jackson]

I've been an event coordinator for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Treasure Jackson]

Months? 29.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

29. Wow. Incredible. You're very young.

[Treasure Jackson]

I believe it myself.

[H. Foley]

That is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing. You're you're older than you seem.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yeah, I get that a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That. Yeah. You get all these from my mom, Right? What does your mom do?

[Treasure Jackson]

She's a school bus driver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Does she also ride in the back of the bus? Move your head. I can't see.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She drives it like that.

[Mark Norman]

Get your little to school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She drives the. Like the fire truck with the.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's a short bus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She drives a short. Oh, hell no. We ain't going to no fucking. I didn't write down the comic book store shit. Okay.

[Treasure Jackson]

It is a short bus. So she's pretty close to the back even when she's in the front.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Treasure Jackson]

She got a big heart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's got a big heart.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yeah. I couldn't do it right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She deals with mentally challenged kids.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Yeah.

[Treasure Jackson]

That's probably why she had an easy time raising me right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you were easy.

[H. Foley]

That's a tough job. It's tough to drive a bus when someone's biting you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[H. Foley]

Grow up, you guys. Grow the up.

[Red Band]

Getting paid 1750 for this shit.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's worth it when you love what you do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, treasure, what's your love life like? You seem like you've dated an Asian boy before. Am I correct?

[Treasure Jackson]

I have not okay at this. Wait. Yeah, no, you said dated. Okay.

[H. Foley]

A lot of white boys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you had a. You had a one night stand with an Asian guy. Wow. Did you make him do the walk of shame? You had a one night stand with an Asian guy?

[Treasure Jackson]

It was during the day, so does that count?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Wow. A one day stand stand with an Asian guy. Just quick, huh?

[H. Foley]

Just an Orient Express.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never heard of such a thing. Asian guys normally are a little mellow. Do you took control of the situation.

[H. Foley]

Mellow yellow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Very good. All right.

[Red Band]

You're on an egg roll.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No more Mr. Rice guy. Oh, my goodness. So the guy was in. I'm guessing he was in the urban comic book store.

[Treasure Jackson]

No, this was a while ago.

[Red Band]

Oh, so he was pretty egg fu young.

[Treasure Jackson]

No, no, no comment.

[Mark Norman]

Sounds like a cold noodle to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where did this happen at? How does this go down? How do you have a one day stand with an Asian guy?

[Treasure Jackson]

It wasn't one day. It was more like 48 hours. That's too good.

[Red Band]

He kept getting horny every 15 minutes after 15 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

48 hours. This is the weirdest episode of the first 48 I've ever heard of. Which is often shot in Houston, by the way.

[Treasure Jackson]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So explain to us this thing with this Asian guy. 48 hours. How does that go down? It's the weirdest episode of Rush Hour I've ever heard of.

[Treasure Jackson]

It's pretty awful that I don't remember how we met, but this was years ago. In my defense, I'm quite old. I don't remember how we met. I just remember that we hit it off and we just, like, hung out for 48ish hours.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Treasure Jackson]

And then the illusion fell, and I was like, right. I don't like commitment.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. You're like, I can't feel his penis.

[Red Band]

Oh, you remember his name? Give him a shout out.

[Treasure Jackson]

If I had to think about it,

[Cam Patterson]

Dicky,

[Red Band]

maybe Rick Shaw.

[Sean Stewart]

All right.

[Treasure Jackson]

Nah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, General.

[Treasure Jackson]

So he was ex military.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. But he was just General. So. So, okay, Treasure. Craziest thing about your entire life. A fun fact about you that we would find interesting. You into anything other than standup comedy and comic books? Mm.

[Treasure Jackson]

Eating. I'm from Houston, so we just. We eat. Like, right now. I have an enchilada that I'm really proud of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Congratulations.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yeah, no, I just mostly write. I do surf when I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What type of surfing do you do?

[Treasure Jackson]

Basic ass surfing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In the Gulf of Mexico?

[Treasure Jackson]

Oh, no. In South Padre and in Florida. And actually surfed during peak shark season in Volusia county, which is, like, the worst. Yeah, I didn't find out until like, an hour before I went, but I was like, well, I'm already.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus. All right. Let her mom take you to school. Oh, my God. I grew up there.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the fuck up. Did you say Fallujah county, by the way?

[Treasure Jackson]

No, no, no, no. That was. That was. I think you, like, reverse gentrified it with your ears.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No,

[Mark Norman]

cracker. Ass cracker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's me. That's me.

[Treasure Jackson]

Volusia. So, like, her cousin Volusia, right? Is it Volusia you grew up there? There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Volusia. All right. This fucking guy.

[Treasure Jackson]

That's where all the charts are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Glad we had to check in with him. Over here.

[Treasure Jackson]

He's my fact checker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Okay, Treasure. Fun stuff. Treasure. Thank you for coming on the show. You've been doing this for a year and a half.

[Treasure Jackson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fun times. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. You got it. There she goes. Treasure. Jack Jackson, everybody. Her Kill Tony debut. Adorable Maybach music. Is a woman. It's okay that she thought it was a kid. I thought the lead singer of Rush was a woman my whole life up until I was, like, 19. Really? Thank you. You must be from Volusia. Shut the up, all right. Did we have fun with our regulars and our bucks? Am I right? Well, what can I say? Other than there's only one way to end an episode like this.

[H. Foley]

Oh, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is with a man who has done it more than anybody else. The record holder. All time for appearances, interviews, and absolutely everything in between. He is the Reckoning. He is the great, great destroyer of worlds. The leader of leaders. The Big Red Machine. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler. The Tijuana Tarantula. This is indeed lights out, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

I actually did a rim to rim on Red Band's fucking mom a couple

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

nights ago, and that shit's nasty.

[William Montgomery]

The jury convicted Hunter Biden on three gun possession felonies. And in a twist of fate, one of the main witnesses against him was his dead brother's widow. He was fucking. But seriously, I don't think President Biden will be pardoning his, since Joe forgot he even had a son. One of Elon Musk's Neuralink employees is suing because they were forced to work with a herpes infected monkey. And I just want you to know, Red Band, you will be getting a call from my lawyer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude,

[William Montgomery]

they don't make porn dramas like they used to. You know those tear jerkers that turn you on but make you so sad. Friends become enemies, enemies become enemas. The bad news is mom divorced dad. The worst news is she married Bill Goldberg. That's a scary wrestler. Okay. I thought Tony might like that one. Okay, that's my time. All righty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Wow. I was literally the only. Only person in the room that laughed at that.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, that one was for you, Bill Goldberg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got me good. Amazing set. Red Band really took the Grunt to this one tonight. Very fun. You are indeed the man. Are those new jeans, William? Those look like.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, I got new jeans. I had my Wranglers for three years and finally got some new jeans a couple weeks ago. Yeah, Tony, I mean, things are kind of looking up. I also, my Gameboy Emulator. I'm currently, Tony, playing three Pokemons at the same time. Right now, I'm playing Pokemon Crystal, Pokemon Firered, and Pokemon Emerald. And I'm at about 24 hours on all three of those games right now, so. Having a great time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's been a lot of fun. And thank the Lord because it was a real hell of a weekend. I was supposed to be in Hartford, Connecticut this past weekend, and fucking American Airlines. The flight gets fucking delayed 10 hours, so I missed that. So I spent $1,000 on a United flight for next morning to do three shows, and I'm playing my Pokemon games, and I'm thinking, it's hot as fuck in this airplane. And we all had to get out, and they had to fix the air conditioner, so I wasn't able to go and just played more Pokemon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[H. Foley]

Ever think you play too much Pokemon? Maybe you should consider, like, buckling down, working harder?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. No, I mean, right when I get off the stage tonight, I'm going back. I'm going to play some more tonight. I'm not even kidding. I always have fun. Did you think that was funny? You look like somebody that'd be playing

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

motherfucking Pokemon, you bitch. Whoa.

[William Montgomery]

No, I'm kidding. I'm just so pissed about the Hartford thing. It really was a nightmare, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. You had to go to one of the worst cities on planet Earth. So explain to us, William, is there a reason why you didn't just take a flight to New York City and then drive an hour and 15 minutes to Hartford, Connecticut?

[William Montgomery]

I could there. I was looking for flights in the Hartford, Tony. I wasn't gonna make it too difficult on myself. I mean, it was already difficult doing that. So what net in the future, I should look for a flight to New York City and then rent a car?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Okay. Yeah. You should just learn something.

[William Montgomery]

Okay. Yeah. I did not do that.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

This past time at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely didn't. It almost seems like you didn't really want to go to Hartford.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, no, Tony. No. I really did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stop.

[William Montgomery]

I was really excited.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were you looking forward to doing?

[William Montgomery]

I actually have a baby mama in Hartford. Literally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. It's weird. I'm finally. After five and a half years, I'm finally spilling the beans on this one. Yeah. This other family. I have this other life, Tony, In Hartford, Connecticut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us more. Where did you meet this young lady?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. Where did I not meet her? Tony, it was everywhere. It was love at first sight. It was Kroger's, it was Cecil's. That's another grocery store.

[Cam Patterson]

It was.

[William Montgomery]

I was seeing her at all the grocery stores. We ended up falling in love. It was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were just at Kroger buying some. All brand buds and.

[William Montgomery]

Well, I haven't been eating them recently. Tony, I had a horrible blowout today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the blowout? What do you mean?

[William Montgomery]

I sit on the toilet. Y' all don't even want to be hearing about this. But I swear I'm sitting on the toilet. I do do some. And then I put my Pokemon up. And then I end up sitting back down, and it was a diarrhea explosion. And I've been eating a bunch of Papa John's recently, so it's probably that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How much Papa John's have you been eating?

[William Montgomery]

Ate a whole pizza on Saturday with the garlic sauce.

[H. Foley]

Nice.

[William Montgomery]

So, yeah, I don't know. I was feeling delirious, Tony. I slept four hours. No, like, eight hours, I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You only got eight hours of sleep. This is terrible.

[William Montgomery]

In two days, Tony. I was delirious. It was just all bad. I'm having a real hard go of it right now, so.

[H. Foley]

Wow, you were so delirious. You barely got home and ordered and ate an entire pizza.

[William Montgomery]

I was starving. I was really hungry. No, I was really starving, but. So that's it. That's what I've been doing recently. It's kind of a nightmare. Yeah, it's funny. Yeah, it's kind of a.

[Red Band]

It's funny.

[Nick Farrell]

Yeah.

[Red Band]

Yes. Your. Your life is funny.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, it's just.

[Red Band]

So do you get anything for the Pokemon? Do you get. Does that pay, like, if you find them?

[William Montgomery]

No.

[Nick Farrell]

At all?

[Red Band]

I've never done Pokemon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me neither. What, do you just upgrade them?

[William Montgomery]

I have three really powerful fire Pokemon right now, and I'm going through Bulbasaurs. I'm going through.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Plus all the.

[Mark Norman]

That comes with that, I would assume.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

But, yeah, that's all I've been doing. But Tennessee is actually in the College World Series. So are the Gators, my two teams. So I've been watching a bunch of baseball.

[Red Band]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah. So it's been a real hectic past couple weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it seems like it, Williams. So the Pokemon skill seems to be the main attraction in your life right now. Are you slowing down playing at all?

[Red Band]

Are you the baby mama, does she like the Pokemon?

[Tristan Bolling]

She loves the Pokemon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I mean, sometimes I'm thinking maybe I'm gonna stop playing the Pokemon or something. She's like, oh, my gosh, you could never stop playing the Pokemon.

[Tristan Bolling]

There you go.

[William Montgomery]

But I don't know if I will.

[Red Band]

I don't know what's happening.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's one of his catchphrases. Yeah, it's one of my catchphrases.

[Red Band]

Got it, got it, got it, got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sometimes I have to. I have to lead him into it a little bit. I have to coax him.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, he's gonna coax me.

[Red Band]

Sometimes I see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sometimes I'm not at the bed. Sometimes I don't feel it. He doesn't really do it himself. He makes me kind of tee him up a little bit. You think you're ever going to?

[William Montgomery]

I don't think I'm probably ever gonna know, Tony. I know I ain't ever gonna stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there he is, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We love him. Make some noise for William, everybody. The drawing from Ryan Je Belt is in. It's amazing. Chris Rogers, what do you got over there? Oh, David Lucas. Look at that. Yeah. Life. And that's an action. Actual size photo.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make sure you check out the routes. Route 66 [e-mail] Mark, what are you. What are you plugging?

[Red Band]

Hey, hey. Road dates. Marknormancomedy.com we might be drunk Tuesdays with stories. Praise Allah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mark NormanComedy.com Ari Shabir was here, everybody. I just.

[H. Foley]

I just came to announce my retirement for my dick on kill toe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I pony.

[H. Foley]

It's all. They closed on from now on.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm sorry.

[H. Foley]

You guys deserve better. Only jokes from now on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, no.

[H. Foley]

The dick is done. Nudity's done. That's in the past. I'm an adult now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is sad to hear that. We will not see Ari's dick and balls ever again.

[H. Foley]

It's done. It's done forever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn it. That is a real shame. Damn. I know. Here I was hoping and praying that it would go on forever and you

[H. Foley]

know, we had a good run, Tony, but it was childish and it's time to grow up, you know? These guys deserve better. They deserve well written jokes from open micrs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's people booing well written jokes out there.

[H. Foley]

It was a time and place, everybody. It's over. The dick is done from now on. I got. I honestly got a cease to desist from a child. They threatened to sue me. I said I exposed myself in front of a child. I had to plead to a fucking judge to never do it again. So it's done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, he's not allowed to do it anymore. I guess. That is a chapter. One zipper closes, another one opens. How about a hand for Ari Shafir? Retiring his junk, riding out on top. We'll never see it again. There's not a chance. There's no venue in the world which would call for dick and balls coming out. How about another hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? This episode was brought to you by Game time, Liquid IB and talk Space Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip.

[Tristan Bolling]

Sunsetstripatx.com Love you guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is indeed his comedy club right down this street, no doubt about it. Still a couple tickets available for the first night of Madison Square Garden. I don't see why you wouldn't go. We're going to be there. And that's that. We did it again. Thank you, everybody. H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, Mark Norman, Ari Shapir. Thank you. Good night, everybody. We love you. Thank you. Good night. To catch the mess. I will travel across searching for. Sam.

[J.C. Super Speed]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Texas, is now open.

[J.C. Super Speed]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sam.