#672 - TOP SECRET

Summary

Kill Tony #672 - TOP SECRET

Recorded at the Comedy Mothership in Austin, TX - July 16, 2024
Panel: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, Shane Gillis (Trump impersonator), Adam Ray (Biden impersonator), plus the Kill Tony band

Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony makes history with a wild, unpredictable, and star-studded affair, featuring master political impersonators Shane Gillis (as Donald Trump) and Adam Ray (as Joe Biden) alongside hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban. The show blends classic Kill Tony stand-up bucket sets with the chaos and hilarity of having "both Presidents" on stage, offering savage roasts, political jabs, crowd work, and deeply unfiltered humor. Several regulars and audience first-timers get their shot, all under the looming, chaotic shadow of "Trump" and "Biden" riffing on everything from Jurassic Park to American politics and butt surgery.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

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Presidential Entrance & Banter

[03:58 – 20:00]

• Joe Biden Introduction: Adam Ray as Biden enters, playing up confusion and gaffes, instantly taking over the panel with lines like:

  • “My fellow Americans, I want to thank you for allowing me to be the first black woman president…” (04:00)

• Chaos and Character: "Biden" leans into malapropisms, random anecdotes, and boasting about defeating “Megatron and GI Joe,” while Tony and Redban riff on his confusion and age.

• Trump Enters: Shane Gillis as Trump bursts on stage, triggering a faux-political showdown loaded with braggadocio and insults (“This idiot is running the show…” (17:27)). The duo’s energy sets a tone of gleeful political chaos for the rest of the night.

• "American tits" Moment: Trump opines:

  • “Where are the American tits anymore? Four years ago there were American tits. Now…Mexican tits streaming up the border. No one's stopping it. Fentanyl tits.” (19:31)

• Biden’s Response:

  • “We’re fine, hey, I smelled her tits too, they’re great. Everything’s great.” (20:25)

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Stand-Up Sets & Panel Interrogation

Casey Rocket (Regular)

Performance: [08:06 – 13:36] / Panel: [13:36 – 14:20]

• Outlandish, surreal bits about being an “oil man,” sneaking into hospitals, and dressing as Heath Ledger’s Joker.
• Biden: “You look like if somebody fucked a lint trap without a condom.” (09:57)
• Riff on drinking oil: “Nobody can legally stop you from drinking oil…and I’ve taken full advantage” (12:22)
• Banter about origin stories, fake schools, and riffing with the “Presidents”.

Matt Sturm (Bucket Pull)

Set: [22:02 – 23:17], Interview: [23:17 – 28:31]

• Vermont transplant jokes, bug/lizard terrarium stories, and self-deprecating humor.
• Trump: “Frankly, you should be embarrassed. Not good.” (23:42)
• Biden: “This is the first thing we agree on. That was dog shit.” (23:53)
• Sprawling discussion on bug-collecting, low love life, and Trump’s roast: “A sad woman in Connecticut…the bug guy.” (27:36)

Bruce McEldery (First Time, Bucket)

Set: [29:26 – 30:32], Interview: [30:32 – 40:35]

• Debutant with white trash jokes. Biden and Trump roast his wardrobe and failed marriages.
• Bruce admits to three marriages, each dissected (“Saving your pants for marriage – extremely American.” – Trump, [33:57])
• Biden: “She’s a realtor!” “Mendota, Illinois? You just made that up!” (37:16)

Cannon Miller (First Timer, Bucket)

Set: [41:36 – 42:28], Interview/Riff: [42:28 – 50:00]

• Boy Scout/masturbation story, “first threesome.”
• Biden asks, with lovable awkwardness, for details about the “mentally disabled boy’s” anatomy (43:10).
• Tony quizzes him about the number and names of Black friends, with Cannon nervously naming three (46:19).
• Trump and Biden play out Cannon’s childhood as his “divorced parents,” escalating goofily into gay jokes and “gay chicken” explanations (49:15).

Hans Kim (Regular)

Set: [50:47 – 52:04], Interview: [52:04 – 56:16]

• President riff: “Trump is Kendrick [Lamar] because he’s a winner…Biden’s Drake because he’s a sleepy pedophile.” (50:51)
• AR-15 and new gun jokes. Trump: “Firmly believe every autistic man should own…” (52:23)
• Korean jokes, nunchuck demo (hilarious sight gag).

Nate Barnard (Bucket)

Set: [58:00 – 59:05], Interview: [59:05 – 66:44]

• LGBQT “Q is for questioning the Holocaust,” anime jokes, lonely love life.
• Panel probes his estrangement from his banker dad, with swerves into porn (“kind of going back to softcore now…” (62:01)) and complex family dynamics.

Brittany & Giovanni Martinez (Audience, Debut Pairs)

Brittany: [68:09 – 69:03], Giovanni: [71:41 – 74:17]

• Brittany shares about being an Army Ranger’s wife, her “service” (Supernatural marathons), and spicy sex after husband eats buffalo wings.
• Giovanni dives into racial material, “black people…more like dogs” (provocative for the room: “You can’t count on a black man for emotional support…” (73:09)).
• Both declare support for Trump in November (79:03, 79:35).

Cam Patterson (Regular)

Set: [80:52 – 82:11], Interview: [82:11 – 86:32]

• Jumps into the “dog” joke fallout: “They not monkey. They dog. They dirty fucking dogs. That’s crazy, dog.” (80:56)
• Jokes about Spirit Airlines, family, and Universal Studios.
• Banter with the “Presidents” about voting and love of Kodak Black.

JK Spindler (Bucket)

Set: [87:16 – 88:22], Interview: [88:22 – 92:49]

• Adderall-driven weight loss, IRS avoidance, “sniper” career aspirations.
• Trump: “Yeah, that’s what Austin needs, another great sniper.” (91:17)
• Admits to tax evasion, promises Trump will pardon him.

Jacob Barr (Bucket)

Set: [100:10 – 101:29], Interview: [101:29 – 114:48]

• Hilarious, candid set about being born with vactral syndrome, lacking an asshole at birth, and inventive solutions (“They used a surgical hole punch…” (104:10)).
• Engaged to a scientist met on Tinder (“Don’t want to surprise the hoes with the hands, you know…” (108:37)), lively description of sexual adaptations.
• Trump: “But for a guy with mangled arms, you talk very articulate.”
• Multiple physical demonstrations, running gags with panel over hands, jackets, and Jurassic Park impressions.

David Lucas (Regular, Hall of Famer)

Set: [116:29 – 118:04], Panel: [118:04 – 123:44]

• True stories about being handcuffed, Muslim hecklers, roasts on Tony.
• Asks Trump: “On your debate the other day, you said illegal immigrants are taking black jobs. What the fuck are black jobs?” (119:47)
• Loudly proclaims his vote for Trump: “He was giving us that money during the pandemic. That’s my sugar daddy.” (122:49)

Sherry Vaseji (Bucket)

Set: [126:37 – 127:50], Interview: [127:50 – 130:04]

• Jokes about men’s vocalizations during orgasm (“You sound like a cold engine that won’t start…” (127:18)).
• Extended “I’m going to come” riff with both “Presidents.”

William Montgomery (The Big Red Machine, Regular)

Set: [130:52 – 133:04], Interview: [133:04 – 139:27]

• Riffs on Biden, Zen jokes, O.J. Simpson, loud air conditioner.
• Admits fandom for Trump (“Huge fan of Donald Trump, so weird you are here tonight, sir…” (132:36))
• Harsh crowd work with audience members, fake-lesbian jabs, “Who’s calling the shots, Joe?” (137:42)
• Finishes with classic William energy, torn between political parties, but ultimately claiming “RFK Jr. all the way.”

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Biden: “I want to thank you for allowing me to be the first black woman president to run this country.” (03:58)

• Trump: “Four years ago, we were into porn…now we’ve got a faggot epidemic in this country.” (62:35)

• Casey Rocket: “Nobody can…legally…stop you from drinking oil. And I’ve taken full advantage.” (12:22)

• Hans Kim: “Trump is obviously Kendrick because he’s a winner and he’s actually black. And Biden’s obviously Drake because he’s a sleepy pedophile.” (50:51)

• Jacob Barr: “I was born without an asshole. Now, the hands don’t seem like shit anymore.” (100:48)

• Cam Patterson: “What the fuck did that last guy say? They not monkey. They dog. They dirty fucking dogs. That’s crazy, dog.” (80:52)

• David Lucas (to Trump): “You said illegal immigrants are taking black jobs. What the fuck are black jobs?” (119:47)

• William Montgomery (crowd work): “Are y’all not both dykes? Is that what’s going on there?” (137:06)

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Running Gags & Riffs

• Presidential Improv Battles: Trump and Biden trade burns, accusations, and sometimes agree (e.g., on bombing comics).
• Roasting Failed Sets: Both “Presidents” delight in declaring a set “dog shit” or “embarrassing”, refusing to hold back.
• Gratuitous Jurassic Park: Multiple callbacks, impressions (“Hold onto your butts” (108:05)), and “dinosaurs” jokes, with no one in the room seemingly getting the references.
• Crowd/Comedian Physique Roasts: Tony, panel, and regulars roast physical traits mercilessly (pants, chins, hands, wardrobe).
• Voting Probes: Each comedian is grilled on who they’re voting for (“Think about your career right now.” – Trump to Nate (61:03)).
• The "Dog" Joke Fallout: Several Black comedians respond with tongue-in-cheek indignation to Giovanni Martinez’s “dog” comparison.

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Memorable Exchanges

• (On bug collecting)
  Biden: “Are you retarded? Why you do that?”
  Sturm: “Maybe I’m trying to figure that out.” (27:01)

• (Kim on his gun)
  Trump: “I firmly believe every autistic man should own [an AR-15].” (52:23)

• (Softcore porn discourse)
  Trump: “Now we’ve got a faggot epidemic in this country.”
  Biden: “Hey, that guy’s got rights! Handjob, soft job, car job...” (62:33 - 63:08)

• (Physical comedy/abilities with Jacob Barr)
  Tony: “This show was built for you.” (102:15)
  Barr: “I’ll make all of you come, every one of you. You’re coming!” (109:03)
  Biden: “You want to be my vice president?” (109:16)

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Approximate Timeline of Major Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |--------------------------------------------|---------------| | Biden and Trump make grand entrance | 03:58 - 20:00 | | Casey Rocket (Regular) | 08:06 - 13:36 | | Matt Sturm (Bucket) | 22:02 - 28:31 | | Bruce McEldery (First time, Bucket) | 29:26 - 40:35 | | Cannon Miller (First time, Bucket) | 41:36 - 50:00 | | Hans Kim (Regular) | 50:47 - 56:16 | | Nate Barnard (Bucket) | 58:00 - 66:44 | | Brittany & Giovanni Martinez (Audience, Debut) | 68:09 - 79:54 | | Cam Patterson (Regular) | 80:52 - 86:32 | | JK Spindler (Bucket) | 87:16 - 92:49 | | Jacob Barr (Bucket) | 100:10 - 114:48| | David Lucas (Regular, Hall of Famer) | 116:29 - 123:44| | Sherry Vaseji (Bucket) | 126:37 - 130:04| | William Montgomery (Regular) | 130:52 - END |

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Episode Tone and Style

• Language and Vibe: Uncensored, quick-witted, dark, and politically incorrect. The tone is unapologetically wild, loaded with risqué, ableist, and racial humor expected from Kill Tony with an extra dose of energy from the political impersonators.
• Atmosphere: Live, rowdy, and interactive, with heavy crowd engagement, lightning-fast panel banter, and frequent panel-vs-comic exchanges.

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Why This Episode Stands Out

• Rare, extended dual-impersonator panel (Trump + Biden), creating an unstoppably chaotic and topical roast environment.
• Candid discussions with comedians about politics, family, love, bodies, disabilities, and their darkest personal narratives.
• Iconic, unscripted quotes destined for viral replay.

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— “One for the books. They will say...this must have been kind of crazy.”

— Tony Hinchcliffe, [132:24]

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode is unfiltered, high-energy, and boundary-pushing even by Kill Tony standards. Prepare for blistering exchanges, fearless comedy, and an unrelenting mockery of politics, taboos, and the human condition—all under the Texas spotlight.

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Listen on YouTube, DeathSquad.TV, or your favorite podcast platform.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redmond coming to you

[Brian Redban]

live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Dirty.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Give it up for Tony Inch Cliff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's ready for literally the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Oh, my goodness. We made it. Mixed noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck yeah. We are here. Kill Tony live at the Mothership. Brought to you by Connect Mobile Health. How exciting. You guys pumped to be here tonight? I love it. We have an absolutely ridiculously diabolical show ready for y' all tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? You know, we've been doing this a very, very long time. I book this show personally myself, every single week. And I myself cannot believe who tonight's guest is. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the current, truly the real President of the United States of America. This is Joe Biden.

[Brian Redban]

You can do better than that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some goddamn noise for your president. No, joe, this way. This is it. Over here.

[Brian Redban]

Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe, no.

[Jacob Barr]

Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Over. Wow. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. This.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

My fellow Americans, I want to thank you for allowing me to be the first black woman president to run this country. Quick shout out to the moderators in the back for keeping this debate going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's no moderators, Joe, you're on. Kiltoni, has anybody told you where you're at tonight?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Ryan Redband, Redburn, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How the hell do you know who Brian Redban is?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I follow him on Facebook. Post a lot of butthole pictures. All right,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

so. Oh, my God. Oh, okay.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, here we go. How are we, America? We feeling good? How are we feeling, America?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mr. President, Joe Biden here. Doing some damage control right now. Obviously shit is wild out there for you right now. Coming off of Wild, Wild Times.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We're doing it. We're doing it, though.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

We're doing.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We do what we did what we did for the COVID What we did

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

for Covid, that's right.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

For. We beat. We be. And that's why I do it. And that's what. That's what we do. We beat Medicare.

[Jacob Barr]

Wow.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We took Medicare bus and Megatron and the rest of the GI Joe bangarang hook. Look, I'll tell you something. I was. When I was 10 years old, I used to ride a bike. We had all sorts of bikes back then. We had wheels.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me get this liquid death away from you. Already have enough death around you. Mr. President, we're gonna.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah, I can't have water after 4:00pm oh, hey, hey. All right. How many times are you gonna do that tonight? Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Mr. President, I don't know. I don't know if you know where you are or how the show works, but I'm gonna give you a little rundown. Over 250 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this buc. Well. 250 comedians signed up for a. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up. And you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Sounds like. Sounds like Kamala. All right. Huh? No, you. Too late. Too late. It's America. You got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, so I'm gonna pre pool a name. We're gonna wrangle them from the bar next door.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Here we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So while we go and grab them, we have someone who's going to get tonight's show started for us. It's one of our esteemed regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has not been on the show in qu. While he's been out headlining. Absolutely killing it all around the road. He is a superstar. He's a freak of nature. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful, the one and only. This is Casey Rocket. Yeah.

[Casey Rockett]

I've been waiting all day for Sunday night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, cool.

[Cannon Miller]

Hell yeah.

[Casey Rockett]

NFL on. What? Kt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, cool.

[Casey Rockett]

It's funny you bring that up, Tony. I. A lot of people have been asking me, Teddy Boy LaCroix. And I say speaking. And they say, who are you, really? And I tell them the truth. Ladies and gentlemen, in many ways, I'm an oil man. I buy oil, I sell oil, I drink oil. I go to the hospital because I drank too much oil. I sneak out of the hospital in the dead of night and the staff starts freaking out because the oil man's loose. Then I sneak back into the hospital dressed as Heath Ledger dressed as the Joker. Double costume. And I burn it to smithereens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what's this?

[Matt Sturm]

Yes.

[Casey Rockett]

More oil. Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Casey Rockett]

I'm Casey Rockett. Have a good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was wild. Thank you. An unorthodox performance by Casey. Very, very interesting. A lot of oil, Mr. President. What'd you think about that?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Here's the deal, folks. You look like if somebody fucked a lint trap without a condom.

[Casey Rockett]

Thank you, Mr. Biden.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'm a big fan. Huh?

[Casey Rockett]

That's how I picked the candidate. Like the Bachelorette.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I give morass.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Am I supposed to suck your dick now or what do I do? What do I do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whatever you want. You're the President of the United States.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'll give it to my wife. You know my wife Jill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Love her.

[Casey Rockett]

Yeah, she's one of the best.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Don't you lie to me right now.

[Casey Rockett]

I love her. No, I love her.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You're funny. You're funny. He did the thing. He did what we all did. You get up here. You go for it. You. You do it. You did it. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where's your shirt?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good one, Mr. Biden. President Biden.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I liked it. I liked it. It was good. It was good. How old are you?

[Casey Rockett]

29.

[Cam Patterson]

Okay.

[Casey Rockett]

How old are you anyway?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

81. 81. Moonstrong. Hey. Hey. You gonna fight? You wanna fight?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mm.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Mm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Titty boy. Lacroix. Where does such a name come from?

[Casey Rockett]

Where does any name come from, really? My parents, I guess my parents were the Yin Yang twins.

[JK Spindler]

Yeah.

[Casey Rockett]

And they're not biological twins. It was a stage name. And I fell in love on the road during Lollapalooza. And I was there.

[Cannon Miller]

Yeah.

[Casey Rockett]

You opened for Alice in Chains.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I did.

[Cannon Miller]

Yeah.

[Casey Rockett]

That was cool. I was there as a roadie for young. For young. So it's cool. It's one of my favorite bands.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And the oil business, this is a new thing we haven't heard of.

[Casey Rockett]

Lucrative good money in oil. Sold a lot of it. Drank a lot of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why are you drinking the oil?

[Casey Rockett]

Why does anyone do anything?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Because you're an American.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Because I'm an American.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

And you have to. You have to.

[Casey Rockett]

You got to. It's the best country on planet Earth. Nobody can. Legally, no one can stop you from drinking oil. And I've taken full advantage of that.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What does it taste like?

[Brittany Martinez]

Slick.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Slick. What? That's an adjective. That's an adjective. Where'd you go to school? That's a trick question. I know you didn't.

[Casey Rockett]

High school or college.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You pick.

[Casey Rockett]

First Methodist. First Methodist.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right, perfect. That's not how you say that, but all right.

[Casey Rockett]

I did First Methodist, then I went to Second Methodist for college, so it's kind of a.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What's the difference?

[Casey Rockett]

Second Mestodus is much bigger, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, titty boy. Lacroix, AKA Casey. Rocket. No better way to get the show started than with your unbelievable.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you for having me back.

[Casey Rockett]

Have fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The return of Casey Rocket. No, you don't have to stand up, Mr. President. Casey, will you take that glass with you? Thank you so much. Have one more time for KC Rocket. We're having fun, so you get it, Mr. President. You see how this works?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Here's the deal, folks. Every. Every. We wake up, we get it, we get it going, we get. What do we. What do we do? What do we do? We get up, we get it going. And what do we. And we get it going, right? Because you got to get it. And when you. When it going gets tough, you get. If your dick's full of blood, you'd say with me, we gotta. We gotta vote. Look, here's the deal, folks. There's so much going on. Go ahead, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, go ahead. What were you gonna say about the. About the voting thing?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Well, I just feel like nobody can stop me right now. I feel unstoppable. I feel good. I got a rose from a muppet. I never met a real puppet without the guy inside of him. That was insane right there. I feel good right now. The band's here. Give it up for the Kill Tony Band. Everybody, let's fucking go. It's one of the biggest moments of my life. I'm feeling good right now. I had a shitty time on the debate and I came to kill Tony to turn things around. I'm gonna up tonight, if that's all right with you guys. You mind if I up tonight? Look how quick I got up. I got a golden ticket. I'm feeling good right now. I got Brian Redband to my left. I got Tony Hinchcliffe to my other left. You guys excited to be here tonight? My wife Jill is at home right now giving herself a Dutch oven. You guys excited to be here tonight? I can't be stopped. I can't be stopped. I love this country and I love what I do. I'm telling you, I ain't going anywhere. No one's taking me down. I'm gonna stay here forever. I'm gonna go for four more years. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna say it right now. Tony I'm going for four more years. I'm going for four more years. Say it with me. Four more years. Four more years. Say it with me. Four more years. Four more years. No one's gonna stop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wa.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What's that?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Triumph. It is our responsibility and our duty to confront this danger together. Every step you take down this dark path increases the peril.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What in the world is going on here? Wait a second. Oh, my God.

[Casey Rockett]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen, the real president of the United States is here. Oh, my God. What are you guys. This is an unbelievable moment. You do not look good, Joe Biden.

[Cam Patterson]

Sit down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sit down. So scared,

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Tony. What an unbelievable experience it is. What a great show this could be. Instead, we've got an absolute idiot here running the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a moment we will never forget. This is incredible. What a shocking surprise. No one more shocked than President Joe Biden, it seems. He looked. He looked so scared.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Who just shit my pants?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. This is an incredible moment in the history of the show. Indeed. I can smell the president has his pants. This is absolutely incredible. We're gonna watch some comedians tonight. President Biden seems extremely frightened right now.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I gotta go to bed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, President Trump, I believe you know how the show works, right?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Of course I do, Tony. What a great crowd. What an amazing crowd. This is a lot of beautiful women. Women here. Great women.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Beautiful women. A lot of great guys, too. Great Americans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's gonna be President Joe Biden and President Donald Trump for the remainder of the show. It appears we have an entire lineup and bucket to get through. This is one of those moments we will never forget. Oh, there's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, hey.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What a great lady. I talked to her backstage and. Wonderful woman. The tits are real. Excuse me. Excuse me. A lot of people are saying her tits are fake. They're not fake. I touched them. And. Great tits. Wonderful tits. American tits. And that's. That's the thing that we've lost under this administration. Where are the American tits anymore? Four years ago, there were American tits. Now there's no American tits. Mexican tits. Mexican tits are streaming up the border. No one's stopping it. Fentanyl tits.

[Brian Redban]

Fentanyl title.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

One sucking your dead. Can you believe this? This would never. Unimaginable. What's happened to this country?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We're fine. We're fine. Hey, I. I smelled her tits, too. They're great. Everything's great. We're fine now. We were fine then. We're fine. Hey, you're the sucker. I bet I can smell her. I bet I can do it first.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Joe, you're an idiot. Please stop.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, hey. Say it to my face. Come on, huh? Come on. You wanna race up some stairs?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Come on, Joe, everybody's seen you race. You can't race.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So we're gonna watch Comedians do 60 seconds. Oh, God. This is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. We're gonna try to stick to this format tonight. We're gonna try to do an episode of Kill Tony. Even though I could watch you two talk about smelling fentanyl tits all night. Let's get to it. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to your first bucket pool tonight. Mind you, these guys have no idea who's on panel here. They get wrangled from a bar across the street. They come out, so keep a lookout for their reactions. Your first comedian doing 60 seconds tonight makes the noise for Matt Sturm, everybody. Matt Sturm here.

[Matt Sturm]

I'm not from Texas. It's fucking hot here.

[Jacob Barr]

All right.

[Matt Sturm]

I'm from Vermont. It's cold there. When I first got here, I wasn't used to it. You step outside, you feel like Arnold in Total Recall when he's dying on Mars.

[Brian Redban]

Just,

[Matt Sturm]

you know, I'll have to fucking pole vault crackheads and rattlesnakes just to

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

go to Whole Foods.

[Matt Sturm]

I don't even get to shop at Whole Foods. I just look in the window like a fucking hot food section. Pervert looking at the Mac and cheese just like, fuck.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Bring out the rotisserie chicken, you bitch.

[Matt Sturm]

Fuck, no, man. I'm too poor. I shop at Target. It's weird.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Matt Sturm]

It's the only place you could get, like, a Spider man graphic tee and, like, six pounds of brisket. It's a weird. It's a weird combo. Yeah, yeah. I've been coming different. Guys, Guys. We usually come, like, three types of ways. There's the pathetic way. That's the way I usually do when you're kind of like, you know, they go like, I'm sorry. Like, that's a weird. You know, it's embarrassing. I don't know. Then there's the other way. For some reason, like, we do the opposite. We turn into, like, Thanos from the Avengers.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Fuck.

[Matt Sturm]

You know what I'm saying? Like, dude, Thanos is not fuckable. He's more like a rapist energy. There's like, a better purple thing to fuck you. Fuck. Like, grimace or something. Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Matt Sturm going over time at a minute, 15 seconds. A lot of references there. How do you feel like that went, Matt?

[Matt Sturm]

It Was okay, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it was okay. According to you.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

It was not.

[Nate Barnard]

It was.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Frankly, you should be embarrassed about it. I would do. Not good.

[Casey Rockett]

Not good.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

This is the first thing we agree on. That was dog.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It pulled him in. It pulled him in with the handshake. Holy. Okay, Matt Sturm, how long you been doing standup comedy?

[Matt Sturm]

About eight years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About eight years. Oh, my God.

[Matt Sturm]

I should say less.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Damn.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Where's your dad right now?

[Matt Sturm]

He died.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Who? You said, where's your dad right now?

[Matt Sturm]

He died. No, he's alive. He's.

[Jacob Barr]

He's.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

He's good.

[Matt Sturm]

He. He's in the city. In New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's in New York City?

[Matt Sturm]

Yeah, he's in New York.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Matt Sturm]

Yeah, he's.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What a wonderful city. That great city. Now homeless. This guy's dad ruining it. Ruining New York.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There's a lot of fake dead dads right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean by that?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

He said his dad died and he goes, he's alive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

So there's a lot of fake dead. Red band. Hit me with something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You don't.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah, per. Perfect red band. Jesus Christ. Like Dr. Fauci over here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Matt Sturm, you've been doing stand up for eight years. What do you do for a living? How do you support yourself?

[Matt Sturm]

Well, I recently got a job at Maggie Maze across the street. Working the door over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Matt Sturm]

I'll do some sets over there and get to do a little stand up and work the door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Work in the door. And Maggie, I used to work at

[Matt Sturm]

Caroline's in New York before it closed. And that was fun for a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

All types of small businesses,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true, that did close during the Biden administration.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I got tons. I got tons of black friends. There's one over there, there's one over there. They matter in a bit.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

The business.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

The business is all the business.

[Matt Sturm]

The bitches is on the business.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What'd I say?

[Matt Sturm]

The bitches is on the business.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There it is. You got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Matt Sturm, what else do you do with yourself when you're not doing your door job?

[Matt Sturm]

Well, I like to, you know, look at bugs and lizards and shit outside. I like build terrarium sometimes. Jesus Christ, you find a lizard or a fucking cricket and there's not much to do, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Matt Sturm]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

You have a lot of work to do. You should stop collecting bug bugs and get a job. I mean, what are you doing? What are you really doing?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We got the most jobs right now. We got the most jobs. You can work here, you can work outside, you can work inside, you can work upstairs or downstairs.

[Matt Sturm]

I don't keep the bugs. I don't like the bugs in my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do with the bugs?

[Matt Sturm]

I just inspect them. I'll view them from, like, a safe distance and kind of observe what kind of bug it is.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Are you retarded? Why you do that? Why do you do that?

[Matt Sturm]

Maybe I'm trying to figure that out.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

It's fine.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We got jobs for retards, too. We got every job. We got upstairs jobs, retard, downstairs jobs.

[Matt Sturm]

Y' all got dental?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah.

[Casey Rockett]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your love life like, Matt Sturm?

[Matt Sturm]

Pretty non existent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Last. Last hookup you had, where was that? How long ago was that?

[Matt Sturm]

Fucking Connecticut.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Wow.

[Matt Sturm]

It was like five months ago or something. Yeah, it was a long time ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

So you got pussy five months ago?

[Matt Sturm]

You could say that.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

For a guy who collects bugs, frankly, that's not bad. Honestly, A sad woman in Connecticut, the bug guy. And now she's watching, watching this right now she's at home going, I that guy and he collects bugs in a jar.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Do you make the bugs watch when you her?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I do.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'm asking for a friend.

[Matt Sturm]

I have. It's better that way.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Did you hear that? Road bench,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt Sturm. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket.

[Matt Sturm]

And you got it with my chin there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you caught it with the side of your neck. Look at that.

[Matt Sturm]

That neck folds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Matt Sturm, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, the show has begun. As you see, we're having fun here. Appears as though the only slow moments tonight are gonna be the 60 second sets that these people across the street are dying and hoping for. Ladies and gentlemen, you need a straw, Mr. President? Is that what you said?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I need a straw. The turtles, am I right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Okay, your Next comedian doing 60 seconds goes by the name of Bruce McEldery, everybody. Bruce McEldery. Here we go. Here comes Bruce, everybody.

[Bruce McEldery]

What do the Chinese call the Japanese as a racial slur?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Huh?

[Bruce McEldery]

What do the Japanese call the Chinese as a racial slur? Fucking short Chinese. I'm trans socioeconomic. I was born poor, but now I self identify as rich. I'm so white trash, I call my only pair of long pants my fancy pants.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Bruce, hold on. Hold on to that microphone. Bruce, first of all, let's just jump right into it. You started talking with a microphone four feet away from your face, and then you proceeded to. When did you write those jokes exactly? Did you lose a bet? Was this last place in the fantasy football league or something? You had to come on Kill Tony. What made you come here tonight?

[Bruce McEldery]

I've been a huge fan for the last two, three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Watched you ever do stand up before?

[Bruce McEldery]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You decided to make your debut here tonight.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Have you watched the show? How did you think this was gonna go? You've seen the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a good question. How did you think it was going to go?

[Bruce McEldery]

Mediocre.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have more jokes that you didn't get a Mr. President Joe Biden.

[Bruce McEldery]

I have one more white trash joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's hear it.

[Bruce McEldery]

I'm so white trash, I take naps at Walmart.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Should have opened with that one. That's the one.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You look like you sold the bugs to the last guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bruce, where do you live?

[Bruce McEldery]

Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin, Texas. You born and raised here?

[Bruce McEldery]

No, no. From the Midwest? Wisconsin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Wisconsin. And what do you do for work?

[Bruce McEldery]

Somewhat retired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What did you do before you retired?

[Bruce McEldery]

Software development.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you develop some software that made you enough money to retire?

[Bruce McEldery]

I mean, just enough to be a poor retiree.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what is the software like?

[Bruce McEldery]

Business. Nothing anybody would know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who was the president when you sold this software company?

[Bruce McEldery]

It was still Trump.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Of course it was. We used to be able to develop things and create things. We can't anymore. Is this why you retire?

[Bruce McEldery]

I was in regulatory. I was fired immediately after Trump got out.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

We love regulatory. Big regulatory. Under my administration, there was plenty of regulatory. And now where's the regulatory? Everybody looks around and says there's no more regulatory.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

President Biden, would you like to. Would you like to respond to the

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

claims that you're playing regular? We got it all. We got. Hey, hey. When's the last time you took a shit, huh? What's your name again?

[Bruce McEldery]

Bruce.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bruce McEldery.

[Bruce McEldery]

McEldery.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You always dress like this? You want any pants?

[Bruce McEldery]

I have one pair of pants.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

When do you wear them?

[Bruce McEldery]

When I'm like super special occasions.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Well, like what?

[Bruce McEldery]

Like when I get married.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Fuck. That was sad. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

He's saving his pants for marriage. And I think that's extremely American.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who are you saluting? Mr. Biden, you just saluted the whole audience. Okay, Bruce. Oh, you say that you're saving these pants for marriage. Do you have a girlfriend?

[Bruce McEldery]

I got married again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you did? You got married again? So you've been married twice?

[Bruce McEldery]

Three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three times. You got married?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Honestly, that's not that.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah, coming from a guy who likes to watch Women change.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what? Who doesn't want to watch women change?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I saw it on the Internet. Sorry.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I love to watch them change. Who doesn't? Your wife changed into the afterlife.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey. Hey, you want a knuckle sandwich? Give me a punch down effect, Red man. Perfect. Take that. You're Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. What'd you stick your dick in, a bucket of Mountain Dew?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Listen to this guy. Listen to this guy. Joe, you could do nothing to me. I would hurt you severely and everyone here knows it. I would beat Joe's ass so badly, frankly.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, yeah. Hit me right, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Got him. Okay, so, Bruce, let's go through some of these marriages. How old were you, your first marriage?

[Bruce McEldery]

17.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how long? Wow.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Jesus, that's a great age.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

For getting your high school diploma. You can do it if you want to do it.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Or for showering with your dad the way his daughter did. Look it up. You're going to be very, very surprised that this guy, this man, showered with his daughter. Do you believe this? Till she was 13.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I love my family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you got married at 17, Bruce. And how long did that marriage last? How old was the girl that you married?

[Bruce McEldery]

She was like 19.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She was 19. So technically you were being statutory raped

[Bruce McEldery]

For a couple years. It was awesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For a couple years. It was awesome. He says, wow. Where did you meet her? At high school. But you were both in high.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

She was in the parking lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you said a couple years before you got married. Biden, what do you think about this?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, it's great. I just can't. So what's her name? Where's she now? What's she doing? She have a job?

[Bruce McEldery]

She works at a bank.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

So she's a realtor.

[Bruce McEldery]

Mendota, Illinois.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I think you just made that up. Where's that at? Oh, yeah, no, I've been there. I campaigned there. You never went there. Meningitis. Illinois.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Joe, you've never visited the Midwest. Everyone knows it. Illinois loves Donald Trump.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I wish I had a joke there, but I'm getting into character. Too much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's great.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

That's who you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The old.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

That's who you want to know. That's who you. That's who you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Bruce, how long did that first marriage last?

[Bruce McEldery]

One year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And how did it end?

[Bruce McEldery]

She's a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. I had a feeling. I had a feeling that the 19 year old woman marrying a 17 year old. She cheated on you. Who did she cheat on you with exactly? Do you know?

[Bruce McEldery]

A couple people that I did not know at the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did you find out that she cheated on you?

[Bruce McEldery]

You enter the.

[David Lucas]

The.

[Bruce McEldery]

The computer, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a software engineer.

[JK Spindler]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'll make your hardware turn into software real quick. Finding out that the woman that you're married to is everything in midairia.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

How many of them were black? Is the real question here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was my next question. Were any of them black? No.

[Bruce McEldery]

Mendota?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so how old were you when you got married for the second time? Take a double. Park would be fine here, Bruce.

[Bruce McEldery]

24.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

24. And how old was the girl that you married when you were 24? 24. Okay. And how long did that marriage last?

[Bruce McEldery]

Maybe five years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five years. How did it end? She's a.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No, no, no.

[Bruce McEldery]

She's very nice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's very nice. How did it end? Just mutual. Yeah, yeah.

[Bruce McEldery]

Long. Yeah. Mutual differences, I don't believe. One of different things. She wanted kids.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I was like, kids are great. When they turn 13, you can shower with them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she wanted kids. You didn't. You liked pulling out and spraying where? On her

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

fentanyl tits?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's your answer. It's your answer.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Where did you come on this woman?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why didn't you want to come inside of Bruce? Where did you prefer to come?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I would come in her mouth. I would come in your ex wife's mouth.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Of course you would. You're coming in America's mouth right now.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

You're exactly right, Joe.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'm coming on their back like American. You're coming in their mouth like some. Okay, so you're a sucker. Wait, no, Timmy. Right, man. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, an elbow.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There's more elbow. There's more elbow for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right. So, Bruce, the third marriage. How old were you when you got married the third time? Three more times than people are getting married nowadays. However was. How old were you for the third one last year? Last year?

[JK Spindler]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your trademark not speaking.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I've got a good feeling this one's going to work.

[Bruce McEldery]

I have hopes.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I'm joking. No chance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now, is this one wanting to settle down too? Does she want kids? Okay, I'm going to give you a small joke book, Bruce, and congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You were here on Kill. Tony, you were here. Bruce, you were here. There goes Bruce McEldery, everybody. We got a real little. A lot of bombs tonight so far with the two US Presidents. I guess that's fitting a country that that. Oh, there's a straw. Whoa. Mr. President, what are you doing with the straw? Oh, is that how you use it? Oh, no, you Want me to pull that closer? There you go. Okay. All right.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Kamala usually does that for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your next comedian out of the bucket. Goes by the name of Cannon Miller, everybody. Cannon Miller is next. Who knows? Could be a star.

[Cannon Miller]

So why is it that mentally disabled guys just love getting naked? Yeah, I don't know what that's about, but they just love taking their clothes off. And I say that because I was at a Boy Scout camp when I was a kid, and we had this mentally disabled kid in our cabin, this albino kid. He was super sweet, but anyway, he goes to the shower, and we hear him yell for help, and we're like, oh, God. Like, you know, let's go. He probably fell. We gotta go help him out. We opened the stall door to the shower, and then there he is just, you know, handling his package right in front of us, just really going at it. And I'll never be able to look at a white snake the same ever again. But anyway, we were like, you know, I'm not equipped to handle this. So we go and I tell the scoutmaster, you know, go make sure. See if he needs any, like, actual help. And I sat there and I thought about it, and I was like, just left a scoutmaster alone with a naked miner. And so that's the story of my first threesome.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And that's my time. Okay, he's done. 55 seconds in. Throwing the mic into the mic stand. Cannon, Miller, one more time for Canon, everybody.

[Jacob Barr]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cannon, grab that microphone, put it up to your mouth.

[Cannon Miller]

Gotcha. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi, Cannon. How are you? First time doing standup?

[Cannon Miller]

Yeah, about 60 seconds in my career.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So the answer was yes?

[Cannon Miller]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Hi, Cannon. How are you?

[Cannon Miller]

I'm doing well. How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How far did you drive to get here today?

[Cannon Miller]

13 hours. I'm actually in for the week. My brother's getting married here on Friday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Wow.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey. Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

A real patriot, huh? Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thirteen hours.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Now, this retarded boy's cock, how big was it, would you say?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Good question. Good question.

[Cannon Miller]

That big? Folded in half.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

So this retarded boy had a black cock. How did this happen? How could this happen here?

[Cannon Miller]

Say again?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

How is it possible that a retarded boy had a giant black cock and you saw it?

[Cannon Miller]

You know, that's a really good question. I didn't really think about it that hard. I just saw it, and I don't think I'll ever forget it, unfortunately.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Well, you're not gonna. Because he's here tonight. Let's bring him out

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

when you said you'll never be able to look at a white snake the same again, what exactly do you mean? How many white snakes do you see?

[Cannon Miller]

Not many as far as I know. Just the one. But, I mean, there was an albino guy with, like I said, he was packing some heat. So if I ever see a white snake again, I don't know, I may get ptsd. I'm not sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever seen a white snake?

[Cannon Miller]

No. Just listen to the band, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Okay.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

None of this makes sense. You're incoherent. Like this guy right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cannon. What do you do for work?

[Cannon Miller]

I'm a college student, but I work at a golf course. I like maintenance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Cannon Miller]

21 years old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

21 years old working maintenance at a golf course?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What exactly do you do at the Shasta Golf Community? Oh, have you heard of this President Trump?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Of course I have. I am the club champion there at the Acasta Golf Course.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah, they have his picture up in the showers. They say, don't let this guy in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Cannon, you're 21 years old. What do you do for fun?

[Cannon Miller]

Just whatever. Play a lot of basketball. I'm no good, but I play a lot of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where do you live? 13 hours away to where you're the basketball player in the city.

[Cannon Miller]

I'm from Noonan, Georgia, but I live in Dahlonega currently. I go to school at the University of North Georgia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are there black people around there?

[Cannon Miller]

Not a lot at the school, but there are some.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

President Trump, I noticed you grabbed your microphone.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Say it. Say it. Whatever you're thinking, say it.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What a great institution.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Cannon, what's like, the most interactions with black people that you've had in your life? You do seem ridiculously white. Your T shirt is tucked into your jeans right now. Tucked deeply into your jeans. So give me an example. How many black friends do you think you have? Take a guess. First number that pops in your head. Go.

[Cannon Miller]

Close friends. Probably about three close friends.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, name them. Name their first names. Go ahead, Carson. Go ahead, Canon. Name your three black friends. I see you thinking. I see the wheels turning.

[Cannon Miller]

Probably about Tayshawn Bryson.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tayshawn Bryson. And what?

[Cannon Miller]

C.J.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

okay.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

A black named Bryson.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What's the cool. What's the coolest president? What's the coolest high five?

[Cannon Miller]

They let you do just the standard dap up.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What does that look like? Show me what it looks like. I'm a black guy. Ready?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, President Biden getting up. This takes a while.

[Cannon Miller]

Easy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here he goes. All right.

[Cannon Miller]

Oh, that's occasionally the little snap after.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, that was racist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would know, Cannon. Very fun. What else do you like to do when you're not working at the golf course? You're not doing comedy?

[Cannon Miller]

Play a little golf, Play basketball, play video games? Just hang out with my friends. I got hang out with my girlfriend. Either way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your parents still together? No. Okay. How long have they been separated for

[Cannon Miller]

almost 10 years, probably.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So that affected you deeply when you were about 11 years old?

[Cannon Miller]

Something like that. Not really. Too bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They break the news to you that they were separated.

[Cannon Miller]

They just called us out to the back porch. One by one, let us know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The back porch.

[Cannon Miller]

It was a nice moment. It wasn't nothing.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'll be your dad, Donald, you be his mom. Let's recreate it.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Get out here, little man.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Come here. We got something.

[William Montgomery]

Me and.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

You're a piece of shit. Father have something to say? Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You've been.

[Brian Redban]

You.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You're. You're not. You're not. You're not doing it. What did I tell you as a young boy? You got to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They broke up. They broke up because of you, it turns out.

[Cannon Miller]

Oh, it was all my fault. What did I not do?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I don't know. You. You're always golfing. If you're gay, just tell us. It's fine, right?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

We've known you're gay. You are gay.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We know you're gay. We saw the way you look at Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

You being gay has shattered this family,

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

frankly, broke us apart. We can't eat dinner in the house anymore.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Your father and I are disgusted. Because you are gay.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Why can't you. Why can't you meet some nice girl that hawk all over your.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

She's obviously voting for me. That is what patriot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is very true. There is no doubt about that.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

So you were gay and your parents split up.

[Brian Redban]

Then what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then what happened, Canon?

[Cannon Miller]

And then I lived the rest 10 years of my life, that's all.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Just being gay.

[Cannon Miller]

Just being super gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the gayest thing you ever did, Canon?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Good question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you could tell us.

[Cannon Miller]

Played gay chicken one time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's gay chicken? Exactly. Tell. Explain to us.

[Cannon Miller]

You and a buddy. Close your eyes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you.

[Cannon Miller]

You puck your lips like you're going to kiss. And you both walk towards each other until one of your chickens out moves away.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

That's very funny. Joe Biden did that with Big Mike. They played gay chicken. Every day she'd say, joe, this is a chocolate cone. He would go, whoa, this is A dick. You've got a dick. A huge dick. A white snake, A black snake. Michelle Obama has a giant dick.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. So what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, Canon, congratulations. You're leaving here with a little, little joke book. You're 21 years old. You're way ahead of your time. That's a great time to start. Stand up.

[Cannon Miller]

Thank you very much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Congratulations, Cannon. We have a special treat for you audience fans of the Kill Tony universe. We have the return of one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show happening right now. Ladies and gentlemen, you just saw Canon, who started when he was 21. When you met the this guy, he was living in a van, unable to sell any tickets whatsoever. Now he's adding shows to his sold out weekends all around the world. Sing the words if you know him. This is Hans Camp. What's up? It's good to be here.

[Hans Kim]

Good to see Trump and Biden. Biden going at it, locking horns, battling for supremacy. It's Kendrick versus Drake for white people. Trump is obviously Kendrick because he's a winner and he's actually black. And Biden's obviously Drake because he's a sleepy pedophile. Our leader. I bought a gun recently. Thank you. Let's go shoot each other later. And love having a gun. I know I'm supposed to use it to defend against the government, but it's so much easier just to shoot people. They're everywhere and they keep cutting me off in traffic. I love the ladies. I feel like ladies can be a little bit ungrateful. Everything men invented was for the approval of women. And women, they still aren't happy, probably because of all the sexual assaults we keep doing. Women are like, hey, could you please stop raping us? And men are like, the best I can do is the internal combustion engine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, that's my time. Thank you very much, Hans. Can't with a new minute 20 and a special very presidential joke you did. So you have a gun?

[Hans Kim]

Yes, AR15. I'm gonna get another one. A little concealed carry so I can walk around 6th Street.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I do firmly believe every autistic man should own. Let's get this guy a bump stock. Why not?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your first gun in AR15?

[Hans Kim]

It's my second. I have a Shadow Systems Mr. 920L.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

When they say it like that, you know they mean business. And if you're at the Pittsburgh Fuck. Shut the. Shut the fuck up. I had a few Bud Lights. I'm going to turn into Sleepy Joe in a minute. We're both. We're both going to be doing a Joe Biden impression.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I like to see you turn into me. Hit me. Red band. Red band.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Red band. You are a idiot.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, yeah, Dave and Busters. What was that? Hey, congrats. You got the high score in skeeball again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I've never played skeeball. I have never once played skeeball.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

That's what you want. A guy who's never played skeeball. An American treasure. You don't even know who Harrison Ford is.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Oh, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Hans, who are you voting for in this upcoming election? Everybody here wants to know that both of the candidates are right here. You're a fearless, fearless person. Are you going to admit who you're voting for?

[Hans Kim]

I would love to vote for Kim Jong Un, our dear leader, but I guess I'm in America, so I think Trump is the most Kim Jong Un type of. Type of guy that I could vote for. I respect him in my Korean soul.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Is that where you are? I was trying to figure it out.

[Hans Kim]

I'm. Yeah, I'm Korean.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right.

[Hans Kim]

South Korean. Thank you for.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Gross. Ew.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Took the words right out of my mouth.

[JK Spindler]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow, Hans, what else has been going on in your world?

[Hans Kim]

I recently went over to Brian Redband's house. I took a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In a. Whoa. All right. Okay.

[Hans Kim]

And I owe him $10,000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

More than that. You've had, like, three parking tickets since you got my car with my license plates on it.

[Hans Kim]

I'm not gonna pay it back.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Classic Korean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is incredible. So you sold Hans Kim your. One of your cars, and he's been getting parking tickets, and you didn't transfer anything over. No, because I thought I could wait two weeks to transfer the title. I'm like, don't get any tickets. And literally, he's had, like, three or four in two weeks.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What a shitty story. What a dumb, boring story. You brought us here. You're gonna talk about park parking tickets? Of course he's getting parking tickets. He is very Asian.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a great point, President Chum. Do you always get a lot of parking tickets, Hans?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Yes.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, let him finish. Let him finish.

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Thank you. Well, Hans, it was great to have you back. Is there anything else you want to talk about? You have the.

[Hans Kim]

I hurt my back falling off a paddle board. I have nunchucks now.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Of course you do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nunchucks?

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are these nunchucks?

[Hans Kim]

They're right backstage. Let me go get them Real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, my goodness. That is this might be the most Asian thing ever, ladies and gentlemen. He parked his nunchucks backstage. He's grabbing them.

[Bruce McEldery]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What kind are they

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Asian nunchucks.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah, but what brand? Eddie Bauer, Amazon.

[Hans Kim]

They're just Amazon nunchucks.

[Brian Redban]

This.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This seems like a very. Wow. That seems super easy. That seems easy. That seems easy. That's easy. That's definitely easy. Is this what you do? Anybody could do that.

[Cam Patterson]

That.

[Hans Kim]

I. I just got it. But white people will let me hit them with it cuz I'm Asian, so.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Not for long. Not in a few more months. We will take this country back. The Asians keep hitting us with sticks. This never happened when I. Now Asians are hitting us with sticks.

[Jacob Barr]

What's going.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

The blacks are fighting back against the Asians in the inner cities. And.

[Brian Redban]

And no one's giving them credit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Hans. We love it. The return of Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. And on to the next bucket pool we go.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There he goes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian out of the bucket. 60 seconds. Going to make some noise for Nate Barnard, everybody. Nate Barnard. Here's Nate.

[Nate Barnard]

The real estate business in Cairo, Egypt, is an absolute pyramid scheme. My uncle's lgbtq, but he thinks the Q is for questioning. The Holocaust. Black guys can watch anime and still fuck. White guys, not so much. White guys discover Naruto and it's over. It's a vow of celibacy. Sometimes I check in on my white anime friends and I ask them about pussy and they're like, pussy was good. Until the show caught up with the books and now it's trash. Anime is destructive to the white community. Brian Redban. Is another minute trying to bring another woman in my relationship. Not for anything sexual, just for someone to fight her out on 6th Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Nate Barnard, welcome. Nate, you've been on this show before, right?

[Nate Barnard]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a look. I can remember your face because of what it looks like.

[Nate Barnard]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. Your chin and your neck are one.

[Nate Barnard]

Yep.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

There's nothing wrong with that. A lot of women like that.

[Nate Barnard]

Thank you, Mr. President. I love that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nate, remind us how long you've been doing stand up comedy?

[Nate Barnard]

About seven years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Seven years. And what do you do for a living?

[Nate Barnard]

I work dairy at Whole Foods.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, dairy at Whole Foods, ladies. There you go.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Is that the dream? What was the American dream for you?

[Nate Barnard]

Whole milk at reasonable prices.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is whole milk.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Very expensive. Why is it so expensive?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

It's actually going down. The price of whole milk is going down just like you. This November, give me red band no, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's definitely.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's definitely gone up. What do you have to say about the price of milk skyrocketing under your presidency?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Here's the deal, folks. Milk is. Milk is just a milk. You know what it is? There's milk, there's water.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, why don't you take off the coffee.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Fudge, fudge, lemonade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

American people in their eyes.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You can go to the store, you can buy milk. You can call your mom, she can bring milk over. What do you want to do? Come on. You know what it is. When's the last time you bought milk from the store? Two weeks ago. That's what I'm talking about. Milk's at the store. You can get it.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

The prices are high.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

They're low. Yeah. It's America, baby.

[Nate Barnard]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nate, who do you plan on voting for come this November?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Think about your career right now.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Take your time.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What you should do is go on the record and say you will vote for Donald Trump.

[Nate Barnard]

Got to vote for the winner.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'll give you a ballot that's going

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

to help your career in comedy for sure.

[Nate Barnard]

Will you give me.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'll give you a ballot. You fill it out right now.

[Nate Barnard]

Right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A what?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

A ballot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A. A ballot.

[Cam Patterson]

A ballot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're going to give them a ballot In July, that is.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I didn't think this through. What's your favorite color?

[Nate Barnard]

Green.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right, sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that.

[Nate Barnard]

Biden gets it.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nate, you took a shot at Brian Red Band during your set. What's your love life like?

[Nate Barnard]

Empty, as previously established on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, we've talked about this. Yeah, that sounds about right.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

No one remembers.

[Nate Barnard]

No one remembers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sorry. No one does.

[Nate Barnard]

Won't bring it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You watch a lot of porn, Nate?

[Nate Barnard]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What type of porn do you like to watch?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Your favorite category?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Favorite category of porn.

[Nate Barnard]

I'm kind of going back to softcore now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Soft core porn. What is it about softcore porn?

[Nate Barnard]

I like to see how they're like, you know, they're like, putting that shit on YouTube now. They're, like, trying to get past the sensors.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

How. What do you mean by, like, hand jobs?

[Nate Barnard]

What is it they do like? Oh, this is a see through clothing tryout.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

This is what's happening. This is what's happening in this country. The men now are going back to soft core. Can you believe softcore porn? Can you believe this?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Well, it's better. It's better.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Four years ago, we were into porn.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We were doing.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

The men in this country were being Men. We watched gay porn. We had gay sex. We had gay sex and now are watching software porn. Now we've got a faggot epidemic in the this country.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

[Nate Barnard]

Can you believe it?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

When I was.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, that got rights. He can watch whatever he wants. Hand job, soft job in the car job in a hot air balloon job. I love training porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about it, Mr. President? What exactly is it about you like so much?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I. I don't know. All of it.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Joe, I'll help you out here. It's one of the guys. They both have tits.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

That's what it is. There's something for everybody.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Now there's four tits. Before there were only two tits, now we've got four.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You get penises and tits in the same boat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I couldn't.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What's your, what's your dad do for work?

[Nate Barnard]

He's a banker.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Where?

[Nate Barnard]

I don't know, somewhere.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he still working for the banks?

[Nate Barnard]

I have no idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't talk to him?

[Nate Barnard]

Yeah, I stopped talking to my dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why'd you stop talking to your dad?

[Nate Barnard]

He's kind of crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But why?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

How is he crazy? Did he say, stop working at a fucking grocery store? Stop doing comedy, Get a real job. I'm a millionaire banker and my son is a anime pussy.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey,

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I'm in character.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[David Lucas]

It is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is President Trump saying this, Well, what was so crazy about your dad that you would stop talking to him?

[Nate Barnard]

He's just like. Like he was kind of a scream on the highway type of dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Nate Barnard]

Explain to us exactly what he like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But what was so. It seems like he was successful. Right? He.

[Nate Barnard]

So he's mildly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sure. But. But I mean, what, what was the craziest thing you've ever seen him do? Yell on the highway? I mean, there's some terrible drivers out there.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We had to cut people off and say like, hey, you Jew? Or what would he do?

[Nate Barnard]

Like, he'd be like, pull over the car. Pull over the car. And then you just start walking the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

highway, like, screaming, are you a shitty driver?

[Nate Barnard]

No. Like, this was like, to my mom,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

is she a shitty driver? Probably. Probably. So maybe he wasn't wrong. What's the second craziest thing you've ever seen him do?

[Nate Barnard]

It's kind of hard. It's kind of hard to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You stopped talking to him or did he stop talking to you? I just got playing hard to get now.

[Nate Barnard]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Brian Redban]

I'm sorry.

[Nate Barnard]

It's very complex. It's kind of hard to how is it complex?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Normally, if just somebody stops talking to the father, the man that made them with his balls, you would have, like, a good reason or something like that, or just like.

[Nate Barnard]

Like their whole marriage was just like. It was all them fighting the whole time.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

And you sided with your mother like a gay guy. If my father treated my mother like shit, I would side with him like a real man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it true? Do you talk with your mom?

[Cannon Miller]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, there you go. President Trump nailing it. Unbelievable. And are they still together?

[Nate Barnard]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Jacob Barr]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes sense. You think your dad's moved on?

[Nate Barnard]

Oh, yeah. He moved on in, like, six months, right?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Who's you with now?

[Nate Barnard]

Some other woman? Jenny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jenny.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Jenny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That sounds like she's might be younger than your mom. Is that correct?

[Nate Barnard]

Ah, they're about the same age.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There you go, Jenny at age red, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I. Now I get that reference. Yeah, Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

A little too soon on that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That, Jenny, that. Your mu. Your sound effect was so good, I didn't even think it made sense. That was good for. Yes, that's for Colt. Started an applause break for you. Colt works at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Starting an applause break for his boss. Someone's looking to get higher than minimum wage over here.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Forest Gump was a real American. His girlfriend had hiv, still her. And then she died.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

It's beautiful.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

That's why this country's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's why. That's why. So, Nate Bernard, you already have a joke book, correct?

[Cannon Miller]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Well, there you go. Nate Barnard, everybody. Moving on, Let's go with this inside name real quick. We have someone pulled out of the bucket from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. These usually doesn't go that great, but we're gonna see how it goes tonight. This person is representing you, the audience. They had the courage to sign up, and now they will be pulled out of the bucket in real time. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Brittany Martinez. Oh, my God. Here she is in real life. Real time. Brittany Martinez, by the sounds of this nation. Sounds like she could have come here during your time, President Biden.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I can't wait to smell her head.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And here she comes.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

She's streaming right up to the stage, and nobody's gonna stop her. No one's gonna stop her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Brittany Martine.

[Brittany Martinez]

My husband's an army ranger. People try and compliment me with the, you're so strong. You're with someone who's fighting for our country. And I just agree and say, yeah, thanks, but I don't Tell them that I just binged 12 seasons of Supernatural, masturbated three times, and ate some slices of pizza in between. So you're welcome for my service. Just doing my job. My husband's a tattoo artist now. He sometimes tattoos these tiny little bitches, and they go, ooh, that's spicy, when he's tattooing them. And I'm like, nah, you know what's fucking spicy, bitch? When your husband just pounds 2 pounds of fricking buffalo wings and plays thumb war with your fucking clit without washing his hands. That's fucking spicy. Okay, that's what I got.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Brittany Martinez. So you're saying that he thumbs your hands?

[Brittany Martinez]

Absolutely. We're dirty as fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That. Wow. And you're. You like that?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

They're sending their worst.

[Sherry Vaseji]

Holy.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Under the Biden administration, we welcome all Mexican clits.

[Brittany Martinez]

Thank you. Thank you. That's right. That's right. And Mexican American titties, too, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are they American half. Okay.

[Brittany Martinez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brittany, you talked about your husband, the whole set. R and B Ranger, tattoo artist. What do you do?

[Brittany Martinez]

So we own a tattoo shop up in Tacoma, Washington. We actually just moved here to Austin for transitioning our lives, but right now I'm working at Trader Joe's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What are you doing at Trader Joe's?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Just like, Trader Joe. That's what we call this guy. He's sold out this country.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, yeah. Look at. Look at. Look at this guy over here, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you just. You just got up, Mr. President. He just. He just got you real good there.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I feel like I just tripped up some stairs after that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So, Britney, tell us more about you. He was deployed for a long time.

[Bruce McEldery]

He did.

[Brittany Martinez]

So Army Rangers do three to four kind of months at a time. Full on infantry, no contact kind of thing, but. But he did that for a few years, and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay. And what made you want to sign up here tonight? Is that your first time doing stand up? Right.

[Brittany Martinez]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is what made you want to try it here?

[Brittany Martinez]

I am just a big fan of the show. My husband got me into it a couple years ago. Honestly, we have bonded over Kiltoni. This is our shit, and we're super into it. If you look forward to this shit every Monday, I love it. This is our shit.

[Sherry Vaseji]

So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you moved from Tacoma to here?

[Brittany Martinez]

We did, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How recently?

[Brittany Martinez]

In March. So we did 10 years in Tacoma, and then we're originally from Southern California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And this is the first one you've been to live?

[Brittany Martinez]

We came last June when Theo Vaughan was on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice.

[Brittany Martinez]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you sign up Then no.

[Brittany Martinez]

My husband was a little too chicken to sign up with me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So did he sign up tonight?

[Brittany Martinez]

He absolutely did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's his name?

[Brittany Martinez]

His name is Giovanni Martinez.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you stay up here? Okay. Put the mic in the mic stand. Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's only right an American hero, an Army Ranger, most importantly, a Kill Tony fan makes a noise for the debut of Giovanni Martinez. Here he is. Everybody make some noise for him. One more time for Giovanni Martinez. Growing up Brown, I've unfortunately deal with a lot of racism.

[Matt Sturm]

And one of the things that pissed

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

me off about racism was how black people get compared to monkeys all the time. I think it's horrible. I think it's bullshit.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think they're.

[Matt Sturm]

I think they're more like dogs.

[David Lucas]

Hear me out, Hear me out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not. And not in every way. Not in every way.

[Matt Sturm]

For instance, you know, if you get a bunch of. If you get a bunch of them

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

together,

[Matt Sturm]

the dogs won't try killing each other.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't count on a black man for emotional support,

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

But in ways that

[Matt Sturm]

they're alike, you can't understand them when

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

they're trying to talk. The female ones are bitches. And it really sucks when you have to hit one.

[Bruce McEldery]

It's horrible.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What a great chat. Absolutely perfect. How long have you been doing this? It must be 20, 30 years at this point. That was some of the finest standup I've ever heard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Can you do that whole said again in Spanish,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony? I think that's the first time that didn't work. Bringing the husband up like that was. I thought it was unbelievably hilarious. You know, for a first timer, he took massive risks. I mean, I was looking at.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Hopefully. Hopefully he understood the risk and wasn't being totally honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This might be the first episode where I literally pass out in the middle of the show. The blood rushing to my head.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Welcome to my world. I should be in bed right now with a melatonin and a book, But I'm staying awake for kill. Tony, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Giovanni Martinez, you got called up here. You look like a Mexican jelly roll jelly taquito or something like that. This is absolutely. I've never seen a man make a big belt buckle look small like you do. That is incredible. Giovanni, you have a teardrop tattoo. What is that? It's a nail. I got a tooth and a nail tattoo. You got a tooth and a nail, but they're both shaped like teardrops, which means that you killed somebody. Have you ever killed Anybody? I plead the Fifth. Oh, he pleads the Fifth. President Trump. What do you think about him?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I also plead the fifth a lot. And what a witch hunt. Why are they attacking you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm down.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You look like the security guard for the Ninja Turtles.

[Brittany Martinez]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So now you own a tattoo shop. Is there anything you miss about Tacoma?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

They're coming up through the sewers as well. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'm gonna take a nap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, don't take a nap. Joe, don't take a nap. Okay, so the black people not being like monkeys, but more like dogs, where were you when this idea came into your head? What is your writing process, Giovanni Martinez read you sitting at a desk. Were you driving? Were you in the shower? Like, where exactly were you? Like this?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Obviously he was driving.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

We're in a 24 Hour Fitness. Where. Where were you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where was it? La Fitness?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it really? Yeah, there's a.

[Matt Sturm]

They just talk on their phone, on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

speakerphone, in the gym all the time. Is that true? That inspired me to, like, write that.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Okay, we were joking. We didn't know you had more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Giovanni, would you say that black people are your least favorite race? Not at all.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No.

[David Lucas]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, it sounds like you have a clear answer to who your least favorite race is. What is the answer to that question if you had to pick one race to be your least favorite? Afghanistan people? Oh, Afghanistan people. That is the great answer of a Ranger. And you've been to Afghanistan? Yeah, three times. Three times. And did you ever have to kill any of those people over there? I don't worry about it. Oh, I love it. Okay. Yeah, you don't get done.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Let's bring that up right now. Let's bring up some drama. Get this guy real fired up. Maybe he'll freak out. He was just racist. Why not bring up horrific things?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, President Trump, I must say, you know, no one gives you credit, but you're the one that got us out of Afghanistan.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I wanted out of there.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

And then what Joe did? What an absolute disgrace. This was horrible.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Horrible.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

You can say it right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So bad.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Friends are pissed. Your friends were mad. My friends?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Well, we killed. Hey, we killed. We killed bin Laden. We killed bin Laden. We went back there. We got all the weapons. We got all their connect four boards, a bunch of butt boy. What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Giovanni, you were. You were born in America, right?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was the first one born here. You're the first one in your family born here? Absolutely. And you vote? I probably will this year.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I did vote last. Last time. Yeah, I Did. And who are you voting for come this November? I voted for Trump. I'm gonna vote for Trump again. Yeah, there you go. Wow.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You're a sucker. That's your right and I respect it, but you're a sucker.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a good American guy. President Biden. Relax. And how about you, Brittany Martinez? Are you also voting Trump? Giving her the mic. And who are you voting for?

[Brittany Martinez]

For this beautiful red headed man right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That would be President.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wait, maybe I can change your mind with a back row rope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Oh.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Joe, watch out. This guy will kill you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's aiming an imaginary gun.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Suck my dick, V.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Giovani and Britney, even though you're both making your debut today, you said the magic words. You guys are die hard. Can. Here's a couple big joke books for you guys. Being fearless people. Put that mic back in that mic stand just like that. Absolutely perfect. Thank you. How about one more time for Giovanni and Brittany, everybody? Absolutely adorable. And now it is that moment that you just absolutely gotta love. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the elite regular trailers in the history of the show here with a brand new minute. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

What the did that last guy say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why did it keep getting worse?

[Cam Patterson]

They not monkey. They dog. They dirty fucking dogs. That's crazy, dog. All right, I'll get into the minute. What the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy.

[Cam Patterson]

I went back home. I went back home this weekend and I rode on Spirit to get home. I don't know if y' all noticed or not. It's not funny, bitch. I'm ethical with my money. I rode on Spirit to get home. I don't know if y' all noticed, but Spirit got like these two big seats, like in the front, so you can feel like you in first class, but in Spirit. And I. And I did that. I rode on a big seat, but I think it's fucking stupid, dawg. Cause like, I rolled on the. Buying a big first class seat on Spirit is like buying a court size seat to a WNBA game. It's like, nigga, I can see they dildos. Nigga, they still erect. She just dropped hers on the floor. That's crazy. And my whole. I want to take my whole family to Universal. Cause you know, I'm getting a little money now. I'm still ethical about getting a little money. You feel me? I told my family to Universal and I wanted to get Fast Pass tickets to my whole family, right? So I went, hey, let me get five fast pass tickets. And lady was like, that's gonna be $872. I'm like, let me get one fast pass ticket. Whooping that bitch around like a blunt. Nigga, that shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. Fantastic minute by Cam Patterson. Incredible passing around the fast pass like a blunt. But let's talk about. Let's talk about Giovani calling you a dog.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, that was crazy. That wasn't crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was crazy.

[Cam Patterson]

Trump, you.

[David Lucas]

You.

[Cam Patterson]

You agree with this? For that,

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

there's a. There's good people on both sides of this, and we need to get to the bottom of this.

[Cam Patterson]

You said it was a great set. I heard you say it was a great set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You enjoyed that set.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Fake. And the liberals, they keep lying to the blacks and they tell you I'm a bad guy. I'm not a. I am a good guy.

[Cam Patterson]

What's a liberal?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

A liberal. Gays.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

The gays are people, too, okay? Gay chicken is going to be the Olympics next year. You just wait. Hit me right, man. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little gay chicken noise for you. Absolutely incredible. Cam. You really went to Universal Studios with your family?

[JK Spindler]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing what you guys do.

[Cam Patterson]

We just roll on roller coaster. I like roller coaster. And roller coaster.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I love roller coasters.

[Cam Patterson]

You. You know, you eight or nine years old, right?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You want to be the third guy I punched tonight? I love the up and down. It's what America is. It's up and it's down. Yeah. Good talk.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the old Cam, you are up here with the two candidates for the president of the United States. Do you vote, Cam? My guess is absolutely fucking not.

[Cam Patterson]

I be voting, but I'll be voting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you exactly? Are you voting for American Idol agt? What are we talking about here?

[Cam Patterson]

My mama tell me who to vote for, and I just do that.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Cam, can I tell you something? I'm good friends with Kodak Black and he comes tomorrow. I'll go. He has a great time. And what do you think of that?

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, yeah. N. You. Free Kodak that.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Free Kodak. Free asap.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm over Trump.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hey, I know the guy who plays Steve Urkel. Come on, give me some. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. For the D. You are a little fun fact. I've done the road with Cam. We been all around the country together, and I know for a fact that you are a huge Kodak Black fan.

[Cam Patterson]

That my dog. I love Kodak. He the president of Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He what?

[Cam Patterson]

He the president of Florida.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

That is my nephew. That is my Gemini twin.

[Cam Patterson]

Gemini twins.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Shout out to snipe. A huge shout out to young Snipe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible references being thrown around by.

[Cam Patterson]

Can you do some like that? Ass. Old ass. Then my dog. They my twin right here. My slime.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Why are you tougher to understand than me?

[Cam Patterson]

You going to die up here, Old ass.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Didn't get that either.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible showdown here. Cam Patterson, one of the.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I like your energy. Where do you get all that youthful energy, huh? You just. You came up here. You. You're young. You're. You're a young guy, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

How old are you?

[Cam Patterson]

25.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

How do you. What do you wake up?

[JK Spindler]

You.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You attack the day. What do you do? How do you do it? Are we talking about you're. You're. You love life? Yeah. What you. What do you do? What do you do? You wake up, you go, here we go. What do you do? How do you do it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think he wants you to teach him how to be awake.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Thanks, Tony. How do you know? How do you get so much energy for the day?

[Cam Patterson]

No, say I had to wake up, I'd be excited. You feel me?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I do feel you.

[Brian Redban]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Didn't even start drinking coffee until this year.

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, I didn't. Y' all got me on coffee, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that'd be hard.

[Cam Patterson]

I like coffee a lot.

[Brian Redban]

It's cool.

[Cam Patterson]

I be shitting a lot, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I be shitting a lot. I ain't know I made you shit like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Cam Patterson]

Why Coffee make you shit like that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I don't. It's a.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

It's a great shit. Some of the biggest shits, some of the best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red band. Oh, my God. Absolutely incredible. His one fart noise per episode. Cam, you did it again. Another fantastic minute from your life this weekend. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. We're flying through it tonight. This looks like a new name. I love new names. Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. JK Spindler. JK Spindler. Here he is.

[JK Spindler]

How d. What's up, guys? What's up? I've had terrible luck lately. My car is recently stolen. Cops didn't do shit. It's crazy now calling 911. Nowadays, it's just a dude showing up an hour later going, damn, that's wild, and just leaves. That's the good news, though. I am down £50 this year. Yeah, yeah.

[Brian Redban]

Don't clap.

[JK Spindler]

Don't clap. I just was taking Adderall. That's all I did. Yo, so it's all your problems. I always say Adderall, you still get it done.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Today.

[JK Spindler]

If you make today 36 hours long, turns out also great for your finances. I'm making 20, 30% more money each year. It's really easy. Anyone can do it. All I got to do is just take Adderall, then I'll pay taxes. That's it. Yeah. Fuck the irs. Yeah, we don't like them. You're with them. We don't want you around here, bro. We don't.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

We are done, absolutely. With the irs.

[JK Spindler]

No more income tax. Dude, no more income tax.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was A minute from J.K. spindler. Hi, JK, how are you? What's up?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I'm doing good.

[JK Spindler]

I'm doing good, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you look like that?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Are you one of the kids from the Nickelodeon documentary Clarissa Explains it all, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You look like the Kleenex box and your face looks like the tissue that's hanging out of the top of it. It's incredible. The shirt says Kleenex box and the face says crumbled up tissue. Where are you from, jk?

[JK Spindler]

I'm from Spring. It's a suburb in the north Houston area.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

North Houston.

[JK Spindler]

So I'm from Texas. I'm one of the cool ones.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Very cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What relatives fucked to make you, jk?

[JK Spindler]

I do have some losing an occasion in me. It's probably that part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh huh. And you did lose 50 pounds recently. I can tell because your pants are bundled up. You have the old pants on. When you lean over, it makes your shirt. But if you lift up that shirt a little bit. Yeah. You see that the belt is holding on for dear life. That's what the button is below the belt. Because those are fat man's pants.

[JK Spindler]

That's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You still have your fat pants.

[JK Spindler]

Yeah, well, clothes are expensive now, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, they are now, aren't they?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Certainly are.

[JK Spindler]

Yes, they are.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude. President Biden, would you like to talk

[JK Spindler]

about Friday used to mean something, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[JK Spindler]

Black Friday used to mean something. Now it's just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does it mean now? Presidents, what does Black Friday mean to you?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, it's a great holiday day. It's a time when black people can buy TVs and printers. We can cut this out. Hey, why do you look like the guy who hired all the midgets for Wonka's Factory?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jk, what do you do for a living? JK the.

[JK Spindler]

I'm a video guy. I do video editing. All sorts of people. All sorts of types of videos.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

All sorts of people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What types of videos are we talking about out there?

[JK Spindler]

I do school district construction, real estate. I do a lot of video for standup. I do a lot of promos for shows for Big Laugh comedy shows around Austin. It's been a lot of fun. I only started shooting video for Stand Up a year ago and I can wanna do it forever, dude. I love it so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Bruce McEldery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Looks like you found a passion in life. What's your. You have any special skills or talents, jk? Anything other than editing and stand up comedy? You seem like you have some interesting hobbies.

[JK Spindler]

The. On stage, you've always like to shoot guns. I'm big on guns.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[JK Spindler]

Yeah. Dude, I got arse.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Where do you shoot them?

[JK Spindler]

Yeah, I just go to rifle range. I really like getting a sniper rifle and try to go as long as possible.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Yeah, that's what Austin needs is another great sniper.

[JK Spindler]

Yeah,

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

we've got a tower here. You're not gonna believe how. How wonderful the tower is. You could get dozens of people before the authorities.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J.K. spindler. I feel like there's something you're. We're. We're not finding out about you.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What are you hiding? Waiting. What's the secret? Tell us a secret, jk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us a secret, jk.

[JK Spindler]

Only thing I'm guilty of. Not paying taxes. The only thing I'm guilty of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So are you making money?

[JK Spindler]

I made more money this year than video I can possibly imagine. I only graduated college like a year and a half ago.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

That's crazy. I thought you were 75 years old.

[JK Spindler]

Yeah, I did the. Yeah, I'm still a dumbass 23 year old, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

JK, do you think anyone that works for the IRS listens to the show? Yes, that is correct.

[JK Spindler]

Yes, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are correct. I once met some Secret Service members. I won't say under whose presidency because I don't want to get anybody in trouble. So, you know it's not Biden's, but they told me that they listened to every episode of Kiltoni in their little earpiece pieces and they probably report to the irs and you're going to get charged with tax evasion.

[JK Spindler]

Donald Trump came. Pardon me if they lock me up.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

No,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

jk, I'm going to give you a little joke book. Congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket. Drop the book. He dropped the book. Adderall affects your hand, eye coordination. I don't recommend Adderall at all.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Get a haircut. Get a job. Believe in yourself. Learn the trumpet. It looks like he manages the animals in the Chuck E. Cheese band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise if you think JK just bombed. You know what? We have a special guy that we bring out sometimes when somebody bombs on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. This is a brand new minute from Drew Nickens.

[Brian Redban]

All right, so I got sober three years ago when I walked into a Dollar General and I saw these white chocolate macadamia nuts. When I tasted them, it felt like a Yu Gi oh card. I got pulled. It was the best one. And I fucking tasted Red Bull. It was amazing. But then I realized I had one package and I got so productive, it was like I was on meth. I came in, I ran a 5k of blue jeans, I mowed my lawn, I even did all 12 steps of AA and I was feeding. When I came back, made it back to the Dollar General, I was ready. And then fifteen dollar Generals and six dollar trees later, I couldn't find them. It was like they were my Quaaludes. And then I looked on Google and when I looked on Google, I found out this. The company had been out of business for three years, dog. It was crazy. It was like they were right next to a Chinese nuclear plant. I didn't know if I was hurting my brain more or I was becoming a Ninja Turtle. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen, with another high energy, brand new minute. Barely understandable. Very, very interesting. Drew, how do you feel right now?

[Brian Redban]

I feel great. I'm with the two presidential candidates.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's talk to them about Drew Nickens here. President Trump, I see the wheel nails turning in your head. What do you think about young Drew Nickens here?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I thought he did a great job. I thought everybody in this room was totally captivated and everyone understood exactly what he was saying. And he didn't scare anyone. No one was scared. And everyone knew exactly what you were saying. I think you're a great American.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He loves you. Drew, are you voting for Trump in November?

[Brian Redban]

I voted for RFK Jr.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I thought his set was absolutely terrible. What a complete mess that set was. What an embarrassment. Truly, everyone was scared. No one understood him. He frankly came off worse than anyone yet, including the racist Mexican ot.

[Brian Redban]

I'm sorry, Trump. Sorry, Trump. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been admitted. I'm a real now.

[Brian Redban]

What a wonderful attorney.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Chill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

President Joe Biden, what do you think about this young whippersnapper?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Here's the deal, folks. Sometimes you wake up and you look like this and you go, I gotta make the best of it. I gotta wake up. I gotta do what I got. I gotta do what I gotta do. There's the bottom, there's a top. How do you get to the top

[Brian Redban]

by voting for Biden?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Okay, we gotta change your voice.

[Brian Redban]

Okay.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Drew, where are you from?

[Brian Redban]

I'm from Washington state, sir.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Why'd you come here? What are you doing?

[Brian Redban]

I'm trying to be a professional comedian.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Okay. You have a day job?

[Brian Redban]

Not anymore. I'm full time comedy.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Did you get fired from somewhere?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What are you doing?

[Brian Redban]

No, no, no, no. I. I'm. I'm trying to be a professional comedian. I left my job. I'm just doing this the best I can do.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You're doing the best? If this is the best, then we might need to come up with a plan B. Drew, that's a joke. See, I can try comedy too.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What are your hobbies? What do you like to do for work?

[Brian Redban]

I. I like to dance. I also like to play.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I would imagine you're an incredible dancer.

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have we ever seen you dance before? Have I ever made you dance?

[Brian Redban]

Dancing, but not hip hop.

[Cam Patterson]

Hip hop.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. One.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Need a hip hop dance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three, four. Oh, y. Oh. Oh. Whoa. Hey.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey. Oh, my goodness.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What was that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, Whoa.

[Brian Redban]

Hey.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhoh.

[Brian Redban]

Hey, hey. Let's see you do that, Mike.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Did you just challenge Joe Biden to a dance off? Oh, my God. That sounds crazy. Oh. Whoa. Oh, my God.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. That was.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Take that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Without a doubt.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Take that, you sucker. That was a hit hand job from a Sesame street character.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was the craziest game of gay chicken I've ever seen in my entire life.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'm tired.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You must be exhausted after.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I'm exhausted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drew, thank you so much. Another fun appearance by Drew Nickens.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

All right, Tony, how many more retarded guys do you have back?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything can happen.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

This crowd is hungry for more. Frankly, I don't think we've seen enough retarded guys. How about a racist? Would you like to see that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This next person could be one. I pulled it out of the bucket. It is the Kill Tony debut. I do believe of Jacob Bar, everybody. Jacob Bar. Oh, my God.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Holy.

[Jacob Barr]

Thank you.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Well, well, well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Okay.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Careful what you wish for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, hold on. We're gonna reset this. Jacob. Gonna give you a nice clean slate in a full 60 seconds. We weren't expecting that. Holy man. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Jacob Barr.

[Jacob Barr]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. What's up, everybody? I had sex today.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[Jacob Barr]

All right, who wants to smell my nub?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Thank you.

[Jacob Barr]

No, no, no. I used my dick the first time a girl ever saw it. Her Reaction was, oh, thank God

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

it

[Jacob Barr]

was my beautiful fiance. She's up in Michigan. She's a beautiful woman. She's a scientist. She's trapped. Ha ha ha. She's a beautiful woman. Whenever she tells everybody she's a scientist, I'm always like, and I'm her experiment that went horribly wrong.

[Brian Redban]

All right.

[Jacob Barr]

Shut the fuck up. I'm very anxious. Shut the fuck up.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right.

[Jacob Barr]

I was born without an asshole. Now the hands don't seem like shit anymore. That's not even that uncommon of a thing. I can guarantee one of you was born without. But your parents were just nice enough not to tell you about it. The fun thing is I have one now. And people are always like, how big was the drill? And I'm like, huge. I'm gaped as fuck down there. There's a funny thing when you're born without asshole and you got a new one, your muscles don't work good down there. So this. I have to sit when I pee because the muscle that uses the piss also shits. So. So if you're in the bathroom, you ever see me standing up to pee? I'm either living on the ass

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

or

[Jacob Barr]

you're about to get fucking pranked. All right.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Good night.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Jacob Barr, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. This is absolutely an incredible moment. Absolutely. You turned this place, much like yourself, inside out.

[Jacob Barr]

This is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't realize the letter W could be so hilarious. I give it.

[Jacob Barr]

I don't know what you said. I can't hear.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God. Jacob, welcome to the show. The show was built for you.

[Jacob Barr]

Thank you. I'm very happy to be here. Thank you for having me, everybody.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Thank you. Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hi. God almighty. This is absolutely incredible. I give your set two thumbs up and two hands in. Oh, look at that abs. Joe, I think we found somebody you can actually beat up.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right, wait, wait. Hit me. Red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhoh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, he can kick. Damn. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Red band is not even on the right page of sound effects. Not even close to. We are hours away. Oh, there. Oh, he's already sitting back down. Good job, Red band. So, Jacob, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand up?

[Jacob Barr]

About 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

10 years? Where at?

[Jacob Barr]

Michigan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that makes sense. You've been drinking the flint water, huh?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, yeah.

[Jacob Barr]

Nice and metallic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Now, what would we call that condition? Exactly.

[Jacob Barr]

I have vactral syndrome. It is an acronym for seven birth defects. Most people only have the limb one, which is this one. I got all of them, so that's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you have. That was so.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What the fuck?

[Jacob Barr]

Just point at my body. Something's fucked up. Just point at it.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

The seven deadly symptoms. And you've got them. You've got all of them.

[David Lucas]

Them.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

But for a guy with mangled arms, you talk very articulate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. It is very good.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Yeah, you're very good. Very bright guy. It didn't affect your brain. Good brain. Great brains.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. Jacob.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What. What did you say about your being broken or something?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah. So I was. I was born without an. I have Crohn's, so I got a lot of. And stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So wait, you were born without an. Did they make you one? Where does they made you one?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jacob Barr]

They used a surgical hole punch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, one of those. Right.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Under. Under my administration, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how old are you, Jacob?

[Jacob Barr]

I'm 26.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

26. And you've been doing it for 10 years. You started at 16. Started young. You've always had a good sense of humor.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah, it's the only thing I've ever wanted to do. It's the only thing I've ever been good at.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. I love it. Do you love live here now, Jacob?

[Jacob Barr]

No, I'm just down here for. For the summer. Just. Just down here hanging out with my buddy. Or hanging out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. And where do you live?

[Jacob Barr]

I'm from Michigan. I'm from Ann Arbor specifically.

[David Lucas]

I'm not cool.

[Jacob Barr]

I'm not from Detroit. I'm just from Ann Arbor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what it is. You're a Wolverines fan? Oh, that's what they look like. Everybody. Just a reminder.

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Jacob Barr]

I didn't go to the school. I felt flipped burgers there though. That's funny.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Can you show us?

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's the buckeye fight.

[Jacob Barr]

All of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So, Jacob, let's talk about it. 26 years old, born without an. So when you were, did they give

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

you just as God intended. Men should not have that is gay.

[David Lucas]

Having an.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Is gay gay. Frankly, under my administration, no men will have.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You can have whatever you want. If I get reelected. Okay, we'll make you a new butt. We'll put a in your butt. How about that? You'll have the first ever butt. You can it yourself.

[Jacob Barr]

Hey, come stretch me out, Joe. Come stretch me out.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No, that's a hard pass. But we'll make you a butt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Butt is on the table for you, Jacob.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Bob, there's going to be be butts.

[Jacob Barr]

Can you imagine it be better than my main one. I used to have a colostomy bag. Yeah, that's before I had a real. I had a bag.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Extremely sad scar.

[Jacob Barr]

You can see it.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh, wow. There it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. A giant scar being one of the least creepy things about you, Jacob. It's amazing. What's your.

[David Lucas]

Now?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

When Dr. Grant stood still. Why couldn't you see him? It's a Jurassic park joke. That was so good. You stupid. Didn't get it.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You see, that's what you're gonna get with Trump. Movie references from before 1995.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

1997. Great year for Jurassic Park.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No one saw the second one, Don.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Jacob, what is your love life like exactly?

[William Montgomery]

I'm engaged.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Brian Redban]

Clever girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you say clever girl?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Another great reference from the smash hit film Jurassic Park.

[Jacob Barr]

Never seen it.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wait, wait. Yeah, let's wait. Do a scene.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say hey.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Say hey. Is that a real velociraptor?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wait, what was that?

[Jacob Barr]

That was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Jacob Barr]

I thought you should do an impression.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No, not. I didn't say you be the dinosaur.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I guess that would have been the obvious choice, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's not it. That's not it. That's not it.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, there you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know one. That's the only one I know.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, I'll be Samuel Jackson.

[Nate Barnard]

Ready?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh? Wait, he's not in that movie?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No. This is gonna pay off. Trust me.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Ready?

[Cannon Miller]

Okay.

[Jacob Barr]

I don't want to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Up.

[Jacob Barr]

Oh, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here we go.

[Matt Sturm]

You.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You be the. You be Laura Durn. I'll be Samuel Jackson. Okay.

[Jacob Barr]

Who's Laura D. God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know, man.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Ready?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's his line? What should he say?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You say, hey, are you sure we should go out there?

[Jacob Barr]

Are you sure we should go out there?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hold on to your butts.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I told you it'd be kind of worth it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So where did you meet the girl that you're engaged to?

[Jacob Barr]

Oh, I met her on the Internet. We started dating on Tinder. We met on Tinder. It was the first person either of us had met on Tinder. And now we're engaged.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Now, did you catfish each other or was it just you with a single handed. If you want to call it that, catfish.

[Jacob Barr]

My hands were in my bio. I made sure to be clear. Don't want to surprise the hoes with the hands, you know?

[Bruce McEldery]

Know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Absolutely.

[Jacob Barr]

Of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All hands on deck. How far have you been up in her?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, what's your water line?

[Jacob Barr]

Actually, I just fingered out fingering within the past two years. I figured it out. It's backwards. I got to Go backwards. Cuz my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, look at that. Wow.

[Jacob Barr]

I'll make all of you come, every one of you. Your coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're coming, you're all coming. He is threatening to make everyone in the audience come.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You want to be my vice president?

[Jacob Barr]

I'll finger blast them all.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There we go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. And your penis works fine.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah, that's. Yeah, it's pretty nice, actually.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't that amazing? God is a funny sense of humor.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah, God wasn't gonna. God. God had to give me something, you

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

know, had to get one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One good shot, you know? Yeah. Actually. Do you shower? Do you have a white snake?

[Jacob Barr]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heard of a guy earlier with a giant. Giant, giant special knee. That's a true white snake reference by the band White Snake for those of you missing it. Incredible. Do your hands get cold easily?

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah, that's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm getting some questions from my mother back in Youngstown, Ohio. Do you. Your. Do you need special mittens for your hands?

[Jacob Barr]

My fiance makes me special hand warmers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Is that true?

[Casey Rockett]

Yeah.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah. But if I'm cold, like right now, I just kind of stand like this and I shake a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But. No Joe, no Biden. Oh, he's. He's giving him the jacket. Biden becoming more easily mobile as the show goes on. Oh, he sniffed up. He just did a line of that guy. And the punch noise.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What is that? L'. Oreal. What are you wearing? Hey.

[Jacob Barr]

Well, now I smell like. Come, Mr. President.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right, give me my jacket back. You're good. Stay warm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jacob Bar Br. Any relation to Roseanne?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

No. I can't watch you do this.

[Jacob Barr]

No, no. Shut the. Get the. Away from me, man. I got this. Watch me struggle. I got this.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You got a baby. That's an American. Putting their mind and their heart together to make something happen. That's a true American right there.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There we go. Halfway. He did it halfway. Just like an American. American. There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. He's got the right arm in and the left hand out and he's shaking it all about. Ladies and gentlemen, this is absolutely incredible. He is doing the hokey pokey. And that's what it's all about, everybody. Shaun D's with the actual instrument. For those of you wondering where that noise is coming from, I do believe he bought the instrument for this comedian specifically. Can you play that again? Incredible. Jacob, how has this condition affected you in positive ways?

[Jacob Barr]

So I work with the homeless and the homeless always try to pray for my hands to get better. So we got a good relationship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That makes Sense. Were you bullied in school at all?

[Jacob Barr]

No, actually, I was the bully. I'm going to be honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love that.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you would attack them before they could attack. Attack you. The American way. A strong offense is the best.

[Jacob Barr]

I was, I was mean to some, some pretty special needs kids in school. I'll be honest.

[Matt Sturm]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can you give.

[Jacob Barr]

It was all that was left, you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know, can you give us an example of who you like, what you would say about them or anything that you did when you were younger to bully them?

[Jacob Barr]

A lot of mean Facebook comments, going to be honest.

[Brian Redban]

Just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you think that the bullying of special needs people perhaps in some way was karma?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think that God knew that you were gonna make fun of special needs kids, so he's like, I'm gonna.

[Jacob Barr]

Well, I, I think of it as more like justice. Like God sent me here to punish the freaks. You know, I don't know. This is dark. I'm sorry.

[Nate Barnard]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think you took the words right out of Trump's mouth on that one.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I'm gonna sit this one out. You guys are doing terrible now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, know President Trump, I've always noticed that everybody, everybody in the left, fake news media has always said that you have tiny hands and that Jacob Barr has normal hands. That joke didn't do what I thought it was going to do.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Unfortunately, I actually have very small hands, so please don't bring that up.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Tony, put them up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But compared to Jacobs, they are absolutely massive.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Okay, here are we, are we just going to skip over the fact that he got the jacket all the way on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got it.

[David Lucas]

I did it.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, that's a real American right there. Hey, take.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a cold blooded American that getting that jacket on is a true feat. Speaking of feet, I do not want to see yours, Jacob.

[Jacob Barr]

I want to show you guys my up thumb. I got a, I got a dislocated thumb if you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, your thumb?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hell yeah.

[Jacob Barr]

You want to touch it? It's pretty cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I'd love to get my hands on that thumb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. What? It doesn't even do anything.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah, you can feel the bone. You can literally pick the bone.

[Brian Redban]

Oh, God, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I'm gonna throw it.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

That's what my girlfriend deals with a lot of the time. And she makes stew. She gives it head, she tries, she tries her best. She sucks that. And then it gets slightly hard and I say I'm ready and I put it in there and turns out I wasn't ready. I'm not hard.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Guess what? If you vote for me this November, you'll be able to put that thumb in your very own butt. You count on it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Jacob, normally I throw the joke books at people. Can you catch this?

[Brian Redban]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, here we go. I'm a good thrower, so I'm going to get it right in the middle there. Yo, Jacob, real quick, step back up to that mic. You live in Michigan. You live in Michigan full time. Well, how about this? From now on, every time that I do a theater or perhaps who knows what the future holds a bigger venue in Michigan. Michigan. You're gonna do a guest spot on those shows. Jacob Barr, everybody. There he goes. He caught the big joke book. He's in Michigan and I'm sending him out on stage. I don't have anything on the books in Michigan, thank God. But when I do, going to Michigan.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Speaking of J is again. What an angel. What an absolute angel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. In memory of Jacob Barr, how about a little hand for Heidi, everybody?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Heidi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. And believe it or not, we have one more special treat for you guys. I know the show is running long. This is an incredible time that we're having. But what better night to have Kil. Tony, hall of Famer, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, famous for his incredible roasting skills. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the long awaited return of David Lucas.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Ain't so crazy. I got handcuffed the other night and believe it or not, Tony was there to save my ass. But when I was handcuffed, it was so weird because my girlfriend was there and she's like, baby, give me the code to your phone so I could call your lawyer. And I was like, officer, take me to jail. I'm not fitting to let you have fun in my phone, bitch, and block all my hoes. What the fuck wrong with you? I don't know, bro. I gotta fucking go see somebody, bro. Because a lot of bad shit been following me lately. I was in LA like seven weeks ago, and the Muslim community tried to come for me because this fat 400 pound Muslim lady was in the front row at my show in la and she, you know, had on the biggest hijab I've ever seen in my life. It was like king size, you know what I'm saying? King bed size, I don't know. But she was on her phone texting the whole time I was on stage. And I'm like, hey, bitch, the fuck? What are you doing? And she's like, be funny. And I'm like, oh, really? So I'M like, good thing you're not a terrorist, because if you were, it would take three phone calls to blow you up. And that bitch ran out of the room. And I'm like, a little more of that and you'll be all right, bitch. That's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas. I can attest to the fact that everything in his set is true.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, it is, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Indeed. I got a call from a popular Muslim comedian.

[David Lucas]

Oh, yeah, about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About the very big Muslim girl that you made fun of. That is true. And indeed, after a long day and night the other night, I got called as soon as I got home. Couldn't wait to call it an early night at about 12:30. That's an early night to me. 1am yeah.

[David Lucas]

Your boyfriend told you to go to bed?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[David Lucas]

Your boyfriend told you to go to bed. He like, we don't pop fireworks. I lit a bottle rocket out of your ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wish. No, it was quite the opposite. It was a call from Brian Redband, who never calls me. And so I knew it was an emergency in the middle of the night and indeed you were arrested. Yes, I had to stupid as come up here within minutes I was here. Yes, you were within, I think, three or four minutes with no underwear on.

[David Lucas]

That you don't tell everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually, funny enough, I don't think I was wearing underwear. I had a bathing suit on. And yeah, I had been on the river all day.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I got you out of being arrested.

[David Lucas]

You did, Tony. I don't even know if I can roast him anymore. He saved me from a night in jail, bro. I don't want to go to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. And to be a true hero, I had the night in jail in his place, and I dropped the soap as often as I could.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Let's cut to a clip.

[David Lucas]

Joe Biden and Trump. Man, this is crazy to be around you two motherfuckers, bruh.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

It's the future.

[David Lucas]

Trump, I got a question. On your debate the other day, you said illegal immigrants are taking black jobs. What the fuck are black jobs?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

The illegal immigrants are being extremely loud on buses. They are all types of stuff that we said. This used to be blacks. Remember when this was black? So we liked it when they were black, cuz we could dance and they were fun. And now the people that are Mexican are not fun.

[David Lucas]

Watching y' all niggas all night is crazy, bro. I've been up there laughing my ass off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is unbelievable. David, believe it or not, is very much involved in politics.

[Brian Redban]

What are you about to Say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, that's just what I say.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What's your stance on abortion?

[David Lucas]

Ask Tony. He's had two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, what does that mean?

[David Lucas]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mean I had babies pumped inside of me.

[David Lucas]

You one of them men that think they can get pregnant?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Like Junior with Arnold Schwarzenegger?

[David Lucas]

Yeah, like that movie right there.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Remember that? Remember that Jurassic Park 5 or whatever the fuck you said earlier?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Trust me, that was a great joke. And the Internet is going to prove that I made a great joke and that this room is tired and dumb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A fun fact about David Lucas. He's so black and fat that he eats gay chicken. What, again? These jokes, really? Maybe they are dumb and tired.

[Brittany Martinez]

They are.

[David Lucas]

They been here for three hours, Tony. That's kind of like, you know, the. You hold hostage. They ready to get out. It's 10:40 at night. I don't know. The longest show in To Kill Tony history. The.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The. The guitarist, Matt Muling, who never speaks, just said everybody's bombing right now.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, everybody is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You Matt Muling?

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Too low. Fire that.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

David, you're like me. I lost the debate. But you're winning D Buffet. All right. Thought on the way up here.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. I don't even know what to say to this.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I love you day here. And they killed Tony. Hall of Fame. Now, that's a big deal.

[David Lucas]

Yes, sir.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Thank you. Congratulations. Did you celebrate what you do? Did you go out to Red Robin or what you do?

[David Lucas]

Did you Red Robin?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You buy another coat? What you do?

[David Lucas]

I got a white girl pregnant. That's what I did.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Is white. Is white better than black? Be honest. It's different.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is. Yeah, it is.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Now, that's the type of talk that's going to get me a vote from a black guy. I love racist blacks against their own people.

[Jacob Barr]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David, the election is right around the corner. Who are you hoping gets. Nom Nom Nom Nom nominated

[David Lucas]

a Trump because he was giving us that money during the pandemic. That's my sugar daddy.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[David Lucas]

TRUMP 20, 24.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, I was sending everyone 15 bucks on Venmo. You just didn't have the Internet. That's on you.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, fuck that, bro.

[Bruce McEldery]

I'm.

[David Lucas]

I'm. I'm voting for Trump. Y' all know who I'm voting for. It's not a secret.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right?

[David Lucas]

Yeah, not you, Sleepy Joe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's coming from a diabetic that sleeps 14 hours a day.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, you should. You should vote for me. I. I stood for blm, Black Large.

[David Lucas]

That's dumb. I don't know why you can't get my vote. That.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right. Well, that's your opinion.

[David Lucas]

This is so weird, bro.

[Matt Sturm]

Bro.

[David Lucas]

Shane. Is the. Am I supposed to say that? I don't know, bro. This is crazy. It really looks like Young Trump from Home Alone, too, bro. That is. It's so crazy, Bro.

[Brian Redban]

I'm up here.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

You all got a Home Alone 2 reference, and no one knew Jurassic Park. What a. A few years ago. Excuse me. Excuse me. A few years ago, everyone would have got the Jurassic park bro.

[David Lucas]

This is so crazy.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

It was a Jurassic World under my administration.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

David Lucas is a realistic prize. David Lucas is a Jurassic D. Thank you. Thank you so much.

[David Lucas]

What is that? That's not even Jurassic park music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It's the theme of Jurassic park from John Williams.

[David Lucas]

Oh, my.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

From back when you were a kid eating fruit loots.

[David Lucas]

You ate boot loops.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[David Lucas]

Booty loops.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Some kids are born without an. Yo, bro.

[Cam Patterson]

What is this shit?

[David Lucas]

Show turned into a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was crazy. Let the record show that Donald Trump said, we're pulling out a bunch of retards. And then.

[Jacob Barr]

For real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then I brought out a guy that looked like he spent his whole life in a straight jacket.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Bro, you.

[David Lucas]

When you birth a child with no and pterodactyl arms, you supposed to put that on the grill. He ain't even supposed to live. Just go ahead and eat that, bro.

[Cam Patterson]

He.

[David Lucas]

He's not a productive member to society.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

The.

[David Lucas]

What can that change in life? Nothing. He can't even. He can't even put lotion on his kneecap.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

That neither can you. No, I don't believe it. No, that's cgi.

[David Lucas]

I got good back, Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[David Lucas]

CGI Biden put it on for me. You know Joe Biden likes to sniff Tony. He'll probably sniff your seat after you're done. Be like, was a woman sitting here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[David Lucas]

Smells like a ph imbalance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, how dare you. There's nothing fishy about my squishy. Don't you dare say that. David, you're a legend. You're a beast. We love you.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. The great David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. All right. God damn it. We're in super duper overtime. We're gonna get this last comedian up. They're gonna do one minute, and then we're gonna finish this thing. Thanks so much for your final bucket bowl of the night. She's been on this show before. Very funny. Sherry Vercejji, everybody. It's the return Of Sherry verse. It's long.

[Sherry Vaseji]

Thank you. You know, one thing I don't understand is why do guys announce their climax? Dude, we know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna come.

[Sherry Vaseji]

I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Mom gonna come.

[Sherry Vaseji]

We know. We know, we know, we know. Dude, you guilty. You guilty, guilty, guilty. Your fingerprints are all over the body. Your DNA is all over the crime scene. The writing is on the interior walls.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Oh.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, baby. I'm going to come. I'm going to come.

[Sherry Vaseji]

Okay, okay.

[Brian Redban]

Stop, stop, stop.

[Bruce McEldery]

What?

[Sherry Vaseji]

What? You need to focus, dude. You do this 25 times a day in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Like, You guys sound like a ghost when you come. You sound like. You sound like a cold engine that won't start. Thank you very much. My name is Sherry Visegi.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sherry Vaseji. Talking about guys coming. Incredible. President Trump, what do you say when you're about to come?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I say, I'm about to come. I say I'm gonna come. I say, hold on. Watch out, because there's gonna be a lot of it. And if there was ever a nasty woman like you underneath it, I'd say, move. Get out of the way. There's a lot of come headed your way.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Here's my. Here's my impression of you getting ready to come. Ready? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

Oh.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Hey, have you seen Jurassic Park 3? Yeah, the one with Jeff Goldblum?

[JK Spindler]

Yeah.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Yeah. No, the second.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

President Biden. What do you say when you're about to come?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

He says, hi, I'm Dr. Phil. See me on the road.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a good time for me to mention that Joe Biden wanted me to say that I. That Adam Ray's new special is out on YouTube. It's called like. And subscribe on Adam Ray's YouTube.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Sounds, sounds. Sounds Jewy. I don't know. Sounds good. Check it out. Wait, I want to know why. So that guy. Who was that guy that you were impersonating? Who was the guy?

[Sherry Vaseji]

Oh, every guy.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

How many is that? Not one guy came like a normal guy.

[Sherry Vaseji]

That was normal.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

All right, well, let's.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

But you keep going back to it.

[Sherry Vaseji]

Yeah, because even the next one sounds the same and the next one sounds the same. Yeah. You guys can't get creative.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you mostly hook up with Middle Eastern men?

[Sherry Vaseji]

No, white, Tall, white, younger men.

[Matt Sturm]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Remember,

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

if I were to come, I would go.

[Sherry Vaseji]

That's different.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

You should meet my son, Hunter. He's. He can for hours, non stop. Lot of Capri Sun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sherry, We've had a long Show. We got to put a ribbon on this. Thank you so much, Sherry Veggie, everybody. There goes Sherry, everyone. She's got the joke books. She's done it all. Before we leave, I mean, there's only one more person that could possibly end an episode like this. You guys know it. I'm very excited to see him tonight. Make some noise for the Big Red Machine. This is indeed William Montgomery, everybody.

[William Montgomery]

We built this city on rock and roll. Bad news, folks. Do not enter this city. Extreme safety hazards are everywhere. Biden is ignoring everyone telling him not to run. Earlier today, he said, hey, pal, I was the first black female to spend time in a concentration camp. We can beat Adolf Hitler. Is it just me or if the dragons in House of Dragons gotten sexier? Back in the 90s, I actually stumbled upon a famous running back murdering his ex wife. And I pulled out a cigarette to take the edge off, and he said, hey, don't smoke, kid. And I said, don't I know you from somewhere? And he takes his little glove off and says, I'm O.J.

[Matt Sturm]

zinson.

[William Montgomery]

That's Zen joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[William Montgomery]

That's my time. Thought the Zen joke might go a little better.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a shitty crowd tonight, Tony.

[William Montgomery]

I've been listening to you for three hours or whatever it's been.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, they're pretty beat up. We've had a long. It's been an absolute chaotic, insane show. I don't really think it's their fault. I don't think there's many audiences that could handle this type of show with full energy. This is one for the books. They will say, william, this must have been kind of crazy you were planning. What's it like to be up here with the.

[William Montgomery]

I mean, it's actually really cool. I'm actually a huge fan of Donald Trump, so it's so weird you are here tonight, sir. Oh, my gosh. How are you?

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

I thought you did a great job. I thought the Zinn joke was incredible.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you. Yeah, no, that was a hell of a Zen joke. I thought it would at least get something in the House of Dragons being sexier. I thought that was at least gonna get something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so you were smoking a cigarette while O.J. was killing his wife, and then he's O.J. zinson.

[Casey Rockett]

Yes.

[William Montgomery]

I asked. He said his name, and it's O.J. zinson.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[William Montgomery]

But Simpson is hard to say. That's where I messed up a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's sinning. That's why he told you to quit smoking?

[William Montgomery]

Tells me. He said. He tells Me, I need to start doing Zen, don't smoke.

[David Lucas]

Right?

[William Montgomery]

That's where I was getting out with the joke. But it obviously didn't really work out. And I have like 10 more of the Zen jokes I've been holding back. So this scares me. I have a bunch of Zen jokes in the chamber right now, Tony. They actually fixed our air conditioner, but it's a horrible problem now because now it sounds like an air airport in our apartment. It sounds like a jet engine going off in our apartment now. So it's really cold, luckily. But it's just so loud in there now.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what are you doing to block out the sound?

[William Montgomery]

I'm not doing, man. I'm. That's why I was a little on edge tonight again. House of Dragons joke I thought was far funnier and it got no love. So it almost makes me feel a little weird, Tony, even to be in front of these idiots tonight. I swear to God, I wasn't even feeling it tonight. It's loud as in my apartment and it's like all these in the audience.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, at least you got to enjoy some peace and silence during your 60 second sentiment.

[William Montgomery]

Are you going to clap at that, you nasty looking slut?

[Jacob Barr]

Oh, my God.

[William Montgomery]

Is that really your wife, dude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yikes. Holy. That is so mean, William.

[William Montgomery]

It's like she wasn't clapping at any of my jokes and now she claps at the silence thing.

[Cannon Miller]

It's.

[William Montgomery]

Who's that dinosaur on your arm? A stegosaurus.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

A lot of dinosaur talk tonight. And you would think with all this they would understand Jurassic Park. Nobody understood Jurassic Park. History will look kindly on that joke, I have no doubt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, President Joe Biden. What do you think about William Montgomery?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I love it, I love it, I love it. You were January 6th, right?

[William Montgomery]

Yes, I was there. I took a private jet with my family. My parents. Yes, for you.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Good for you. Family's important. What's your favorite thing about this country, William? I know you're a patriot.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God. Probably just the good people over at Kellogg's. I recently tried something other than Aubrey and Bud Stoney. It's the kind that look like little shreds and it's almost. I think it's even better and has a little less sugar because last time redbay was telling me Aubrey and buds has a little too much sugar and.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, my gosh.

[William Montgomery]

Redban. Is that a haircut? It looks like I could see that fucking fat roll on the back of your neck. Even better now, you nasty motherfucker.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Wow.

[William Montgomery]

God, do Your head back a little bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got him to straighten his head.

[William Montgomery]

Your head back a little bit.

[Jacob Barr]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so sick.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

It does look a little bit like a butt red, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a hot.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

It's.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

I like it, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it is.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

There you go.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you talking about? No, till your head back. Oh, yeah, there it is. Oh, yeah. You dirty. Oh, God. Thanks, Willie.

[David Lucas]

William.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, William, you're trying new cereal. The AC is working. It is cold and loud in your place. You're not doing anything to block the sound. You're on a low sugar cereal diet. What else is going on, William? Anything else that you're passionate about right now?

[William Montgomery]

Gosh. Stayed at the nicest hotel. There's some hotel called Hotel Cecilia. I had to stay there this past week. It was a wonderful pleasure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a table of women laughing, and you seem mad at the laughter. Now seems like a weird place to

[William Montgomery]

laugh because obviously nobody else is laughing. I shouldn't have even started telling that story. And it's like, why did you fucking. Why would you start. Oh, look at those girls. Is that what it's coming from? Right there? God, how long have you two been together?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you implying that they're lesbians?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, looks like it. Are y' all not both dykes? Is that what's going on there? It looks like a couple dykes at that fucking table. Tony. I can't even sleep at night. It's so loud in the fucking apartment, dude. I'm really horribly on edge right now, I swear to God. And it's been a long episode. I'm just not feeling it. And it's like a couple fucking dykes fucking. Look at those fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you need help sleeping, perhaps Joe Biden can give you some good advice. Joe.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Sure. Anytime. I try to. I have a tough time falling asleep, which is just about never. I lay in bed and I think of. I think of this set.

[William Montgomery]

So, Joe Biden, I've been curious. Who's fucking calling the shots? We know you're the one not calling the shots. Who's calling the shots? Who's the puppet master behind the disaster? This fucking Joe Biden right now. Seriously, let me know who's fucking controlling you right now, because we know it's not you.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Are you done? Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

I thought I broke my tooth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you break your tooth? That would be pretty awesome if you did. We would pay for it.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If it happened on the show, we would pay for it. He would. Well, I mean, yeah, we would take it out of the overall budget. Of the show.

[William Montgomery]

Y' all heard it. He's going to fix my teeth.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Well, when I get reelected, William, what are you going to. What are you going to do with all the money? Because there's a lot more Covid money coming your way. Maybe some monkey pox money.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. What would I do with that?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

What would you do with 50 bucks tonight?

[William Montgomery]

50 bucks tonight?

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

Other than pay for them to scissor in a hammock? Are you guys really lesbians? No. You're not. All right, well, way to suck the energy out of the room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Million dollar question, William. I don't know.

[William Montgomery]

Probably get some earplugs. I have to get some sort of good earplugs or some, I don't know, noise canceling headphones. So I'd probably do that. I mean, it's literally. It's not good right now. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Million dollar question, William. Both candidates up here. Hootie, who are you voting for coming this November?

[William Montgomery]

Well, actually, when RFK Jr. Was at the shows in Los Angeles, he said I could be the press secretary. So I'm RFK junior All the way. Said I can literally be on his cabinet. So that's who I'm voting for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Wow, that is incredible.

[William Montgomery]

So I'm voting for, so. And I'm probably never gonna vote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here you go. Okay. We're gonna put a ribbon on it. One of the longest episodes ever. My bad.

[Donald Trump (Impersonator)]

What a great show. What an amazing show. A lot of people say this is one of the best shows that's ever happened. Probably the best show. I'm not tired or have to piss and crack incredibly bad. I'll tell you what. When you have to pee and that guy's fucking screaming, it really hurts. So wrap it up, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, we grew. How about a hand for the president of the United States, Donald Trump? Everybody watch tires on Netflix. Shane of Matt's secret podcast. Patreon. All of it. One more time for Joe Biden, ladies and gentlemen.

[Joe Biden (Impersonator)]

For the record, I can hold my pee for another 15 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The new might come the new special on you, Adam Ray's YouTube. It's called like and subscribe. Speaking of which, like and subscribe this show right now on this YouTube. Our views outweigh are subscribers. So why not subscribe to the show? Are you okay? You joking? Are you actually joking? That's not a character move. He's actually joking right now. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in. Let's see the drawing from local artist Chris Rogers. Oh, that is indeed Shane Strom. That is Shane Gillis as Donald Trump. Surprise, surprise. It was Adam Ray and Shane gillis tonight. How about a hand for them? One more time for the best damn band in the land. That's Matt muling, John d D Madness, Charles reed on the drums tonight. We love you guys. Red band love you guys. Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Good night, everyone. See you soon. The sunset strip comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open. Check out red band man's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Sherry Vaseji]

Sa.