#673 - JOE ROGAN + MATT MCCUSKER

Summary

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Kill Tony #673: Joe Rogan + Matt McCusker

Date: July 23, 2024
Recorded at: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Guests: Joe Rogan, Matt McCusker
Hosts/Band: Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban, D Madness & the Kill Tony Band
Episode Summary by [Expert]

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony is packed with live stand-up performances, off-the-cuff roasting, and wild behind-the-scenes stories. It features returning icons Joe Rogan and Matt McCusker—both beloved by the Austin comedy scene—joining Tony Hinchcliffe and the crew for an evening of unpredictable comedy, audience interaction, candid life stories, and comedic trials by fire.

Rogan and McCusker riff on bringing surprise guests to the stage, share their gratitude for the Comedy Mothership’s energy, and, along with Tony and Redban, subject a parade of bucket-pulled comics (from aspiring newcomers to grizzled regulars) to rapid-fire interviews and roast-heavy commentary, keeping the tone raw, irreverent, and hysterical.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Opening and Atmosphere

• After sponsor shout-outs and band intros, Tony welcomes Joe Rogan back to his own club and Matt McCusker to the hottest Monday in comedy.
• Joe Rogan (03:36): “It’s f---ing amazing. What you’ve done is amazing, dude. This show’s incredible. I’m so happy to be here.”
• Rogan and Tony recount stories of surprise guests, including Post Malone and Tucker Carlson’s bewildered appearances on past episodes.

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2. Regulars and Returning Comics

Hans Kim’s Set and Paddleboard Mishaps

• Hans riffs on holidays (Father’s Day, Juneteenth) and the perils of being Asian, closing with self-effacing bits about drinking and chopsticks.
• Interview detours into his paddleboarding date, sunblock disasters, and navigating physical intimacy.
• Joe Rogan (08:22): “Maybe you should break up with her, huh?”
• Group peppers Hans about tying the boards together, suggesting she ‘towed’ him, launching a riff about Hans getting dragged by his girlfriend on the river.
• Hans reveals he podcasts with an AR-15 on the table, leading to banter about “paddleboard boy” and escalating disbelief.

Drew Nickens Gets Pegged by the Crowd

• Drew’s set discusses dating women with kids, his forgetfulness, and elaborate pegging scenarios.
• Tony pushes for real-life stories—Drew admits he recently ate Taco Bell with a girl, watched cat videos on her apartment’s amenity roof.
• Redban (25:56): “How many cans of energy drink do you think you had today?”
  Drew: “Oh, we’re on 600 milligrams today, sir.”

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3. Notable Bucket Pulls & Interviews

Robert Marbles—First Time on Stage

• Attempted racial humor, jokes about heritage, and bombing lead to brutal but comedic feedback.
• Tony (14:42): “Somehow I’m still shocked at how bad people can be.”
• Interview reveals Robert is a 29-year-old software salesman, mid-reluctant existential musings, and subject of constant distraction from Tony and Joe.

The Jeweler Couple: Tyler Wright & Jenny Rodriguez

• Tyler’s jewelry puns (e.g., “I got paid to re-crucify Jesus Christ”) fizzle. Reveals he wrestles as “the Jeweler.”
• His girlfriend, Jenny Rodriguez, pulls sharper, darker, and more successful jokes—about double vaginas, mass shootings, and sheep on acid.
• Matt McCusker (33:51): “That was very funny.”
• Both reveal backgrounds in pro wrestling, with Jenny’s “Jackie Jester” clown gimmick.

Benjamin Grelli—Life, Heroin, and the Night Stalker

• Veteran comic (73) with a wild past: heroin habit, stories of getting high with serial killer Richard Ramirez (“the Night Stalker”) and “Grizzly Man” Timothy Treadwell.
• Tony (54:27): “F---ing great answer. First time in 11 years anyone answered that question with that.”
• Benjamin’s stand-up is filled with old-school Italian stereotypes and tangents, but his interviews are a trove of twisted and hilarious stories.
• Reveals 17 years sober and a lifetime’s worth of bizarre, comic-book-esque anecdotes.

Cincinnati Buddies: Jonathan Hamill & Jason Elrod

• Jonathan’s set: porn addiction and Down syndrome porn script jokes—minimal laughs, a case study in the show’s ruthlessness.
• Jason’s follow-up: edgy Pride/Juneteenth sex joke, “reverse Floyd” (topical and risky), gets more laughs.
• Tony punctuates their mutual support and their “road trip” friendship, poking fun at their dynamic.

Sebastian Eb & the Haunted Jacket

• Sebastian’s awkward set on LGBTQ+ topics gets derailed further by his colorful jacket, which becomes the butt of running gags and jacket-swapping with Matt McCusker and crew.
• Tony (61:08): “That’s the gayest jacket I’ve ever seen in my life. For real.”

Ari Matti—The Estonian Assassin Returns

• Ari’s rapid-fire, Red Bull-themed set delivers. He shares the absurdities of his immigration process, failed MMA career, and love for America.
• Demonstrates a “front kick,” discusses not joking at immigration interviews, and endears himself as a house-party favorite.
• Tony (71:56): “You set something up and you f---ing knock it down. Had no idea where you were going with ‘I have so much Red Bull.’”
• Ari talks social security numbers, writing minutes for the show, and drinking with Tony.

Cameron Mai—Gen Z, Metrosexuals, and Parental Success

• Young comic (21), easy delivery about being introverted among “pink-haired” peers, and getting misidentified as metrosexual.
• Tony interrogates him about his “FarmVille”–inventing mom and wrestling AV dad; Cameron rolls with the interrogation, revealing a keen sense of humor honed over three years.

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4. Final Regular: William Montgomery Closes the Show

• William opens with riffs on Jesus as a third-party candidate and barbecued human flesh.
• Slyly weaves in sports references (“Go Vols”), then launches a fictional and raunchy romance with Redban’s mother.
• Roasting, sexual banter, meta-jokes, and shoutouts to fans, and even complaints about bad Cameo reviews.
• William (108:00): “Redband, she sure looked special needs when she was sucking on my dick, dumbass.”
• Tony (110:59): “He’s one of the top guys on Cameo. All these celebrities. William’s always top five, top two.”

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Memorable Quotes and Segments (w/ Timestamps)

• Joe Rogan on Kill Tony & Mothership:
  “It’s f---ing amazing. What you’ve done is amazing, dude. This show’s incredible.” (03:36)

• Tony on Newcomer’s Bomb:
  “Somehow I’m still shocked at how bad people can be.” (14:42, after Robert Marbles)

• Jenny Rodriguez’s Intro:
  “Woman born with two vaginas starts an OnlyFans. That’s a crazy way to announce you have an asshole.” (32:38)

• Benjamin Grelli’s Heroin Past:
  “I used to get high with the Night Stalker, Richard Ramirez.” (54:14)

• On Sebastian’s Fashion Choices:
  Tony: “That’s the gayest jacket I’ve ever seen in my life. For real.” (61:08)
  McCusker: “It couldn’t be gayer if there were metal dicks on it.” (61:10)

• Ari Matti’s Immigration Advice:
  “Don’t make jokes at immigration, dude. I go for the interview, [they asked] ‘Have you ever been part of a terrorist organization?’ I go: ‘Well, if I don’t get the visa, I will be.’” (73:07)

• William Montgomery’s Redban’s Mom Story:
  “Redband, she sure looked special needs when she was sucking on my dick, dumbass.” (108:00)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Intro, Sponsors & Joe Rogan/Matt McCusker Welcome: 00:01 – 03:36
• Hans Kim Set & Interview: 05:45 – 12:40
• Early Bucket Pulls (Robert Marbles, Tyler & Jenny): 13:26 – 37:10
• Regular: Cam Patterson on Wisconsin: 38:20 – 43:50
• Benjamin Grelli—Drugs, Crime, Serial Killers: 45:43 – 58:59
• Ari Matti Standup, Immigration, MMA: 69:41 – 77:44
• Final Regular: William Montgomery (Jesus, Redban’s mom, Cameo): 103:13 – 111:39

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Tone and Style

Unfiltered, raucous, and relentlessly roast-heavy. Tony and crew swing between congratulating solid sets, brutally dissecting bombs, riffing on personal interviews, and sparring with each other—all with full crowd participation.

Joe Rogan and Matt McCusker match the Kill Tony rhythm: candid, irreverent, giddy for the weird, and always willing to escalate a bit for laughs.

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Conclusion

Episode #673 captures classic Kill Tony energy: veterans and newcomers thrown into the crucible, merciless but constructive ridicule, and a gleeful celebration of stand-up’s chaos. Rogan and McCusker’s presence heightens the party, while the parade of new bucket hopefuls, rising regulars like Ari Matti and Cam Patterson, and fan-favorite closer William Montgomery, ensure the episode stays unpredictable and laugh-out-loud funny from start to finish.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitch class. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Make some noise for Brian Redban, everybody. We're here. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kiltoni, this week, brought to you by Express VPN and Shopify. How we feeling tonight? How we doing out there? How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Unbelievable. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez. The great Matt Muhling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And this is the great and powerful D Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Wowzas. We have a fun show in store for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

[D]

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

[A]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Every single week, I have two of the funniest human beings on planet earth on this show. And this is very, very exciting because this is two of our favorite guests in the history of the show. Two residents of Austin, Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joe Rogan and Matt McCut.

[B]

Yeah, baby.

[A]

Show rogan. Mat you, mikasa. My friends were in the firestorm tonight. Very exciting stuff. Very, very exciting. Joe Rogan, welcome to your own comedy club.

[E]

It's fucking amazing. What you've done is amazing, dude. This show's incredible. I'm so happy to be here.

[A]

It's always fun. Normally you bring someone surprising and crazy on stage with you.

[E]

Well, twice we've done that. One time we did it with Post Malone. He had no idea who's gonna come on until he was right backstage. I was like, dude, come on stage with me. He's like, okay. And just fucking Pushed him through the door. And the other time was Tucker Carlson. We, we went out to dinner with him, totally tricked him, brought him back here. Tony goes, bring him on stage. Okay. So he had no idea. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, we're going to go on stage.

[F]

He's like, huh?

[E]

And then next thing you know, he's out here.

[A]

Amazing performance. Matt McCusker's return.

[G]

Hey,

[A]

thank you, thank you, thank you. Welcome back, my friend. Dude, love to be here.

[H]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

You guys know how it works. Over 250 comedians signed up for the opportunity to get a possible 60 seconds on this stage tonight. If I pull their name, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. And then I interview them. We find out more about them and their lives and what they could be talking about and things like that. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? I pulled a name. They're going to go grab, grab that comedian from the bar across the street. Poor choices here on stunning 6th street in Austin, Texas. In the meanwhile, one of our regulars is going to perform to open tonight's show. As of about a month ago, we started a rotating panel of three regulars on the show. And this guy took a week off in the middle, so it's been a month since we've seen him. You guys know this guy, Kiltoni, hall of famer, used to live in his van. Has opened the show more than anybody in this show's history. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Camp. Thank you, guys.

[I]

Hope you guys had a good Father's Day. I hope you got to spend some time with your fathers, you know, Juneteenth was Wednesday, so everyone else got to celebrate as well. Recently went to a basketball game and they did the wave there. I've never seen a crime wave in person before. Yeah, love the African American community. Don't get me wrong. You know who doesn't love a good song? Black people. They've gone through hell and they've done so much for America. But technically that is my bike. Yeah, I love being Asian. Very tough to be Asian. You know, you guys come home drunk, you can eat whatever the fuck you want. I have to eat food with chopsticks. Whiskey makes my chopsticks go soft.

[A]

All right, that's my time.

[I]

Thank you.

[A]

Chopsticks. Hans Kim. Did you do a Juneteenth joke and then a WNBA joke? Is that right?

[I]

It was just a regular NBA joke.

[A]

So why were they crying? I missed it. Why was the wave a crime wave? Crime wave. I heard crying.

[D]

Sorry.

[A]

Still got a little bit of that. He is crying. He's weak of a. That'll be edited out. It's okay.

[E]

How dare you?

[A]

I can't help myself. Hans Kim, how do you feel?

[I]

I feel great, Tony. I've been having a great life thanks to a lot of the people on stage here.

[A]

Tell us about some of the parts that you've been enjoying lately.

[I]

I went paddleboarding with my girlfriend. Someone I met on the river. Said he was coming tonight, so hopefully he's not a liar. I did the sunblock on my girlfriend and I didn't realize that my disrespect towards her sunblocking would show up that night. And so you could see how badly. Oh, no, she's white.

[G]

Yeah.

[I]

So white man's burden, right?

[A]

Was it a spray? Can you keep doing a spray thing?

[I]

Yeah, kind of was. Like.

[E]

You just half assed it, huh?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Maybe you should break up with her, huh?

[A]

What do you think?

[E]

That sounds super passive aggressive. You zorroed her.

[H]

What are you doing, Dude?

[E]

What are you doing, man? You need to rub that lady's back down if you like her.

[A]

Yeah, give her a little of that. Wax on. Wax on.

[E]

Oh, Jesus.

[I]

I'm gonna try to keep her.

[E]

Yeah, be a little bit more precise.

[I]

Yeah, I know. For next time. I'm just not used to the sun.

[A]

That'll heat the pussy up.

[E]

What the fuck? You looked at me like I was gonna rescue you. Fuck out of here with that idea.

[A]

All right, Never mind. Do you ever. When they have a fever, man, it's, you know, whatever. Is this a regular paddle board you guys were on?

[I]

Yeah, I got us both paddle boards.

[A]

So you were separate?

[J]

We.

[I]

I tied us together eventually. But yeah, she was. She was going off on her own. She's pretty fast.

[E]

Wow. So you tied to the back of hers?

[I]

Yeah, we. I tied front and back together.

[E]

Well, who was in the front?

[I]

Well, aside. We were just Tail. Tail, Nose. Nose.

[A]

Just a little ties. Tail, tails, bro.

[E]

Did you get dragged? How the do you tow someone? Telltale.

[A]

That's horseshit.

[E]

That's like equity in towing. That shit's not real. If you can tell somebody, they have to be behind you.

[A]

You had the front. You had the front tied to her.

[E]

Tow someone right next to you. Liar. You just lied, didn't you?

[A]

She told you No, I just see that. Like telling you what was the positioning of these paddle boats.

[I]

We're right next to each other.

[A]

It was a rat.

[K]

You.

[A]

It was a raft. They built a raft, Bro, you did

[E]

not tell the truth.

[A]

You were like.

[E]

You got.

[A]

You were like.

[E]

That girl towed you.

[I]

She did a lot of the work.

[A]

Kim, on the river. Redemptions with. You were with White Sophia. I still don't get it, but her boat was in the front. There was a rope, and then the front of your boat was attached to the back of her boat. No, it's side to side. Sitting on the same side as a restaurant. How do you do that?

[E]

You don't do it. This is a lie. This is a lie that he's trapped in that we will never let him live down forever. Bro. You'll be paddleboard boy. That's it. You should put that shit on your posters now.

[I]

I'll be in Kansas City in July.

[A]

Kansas City in July. Here comes paddle board boy.

[E]

Bro, you got towed.

[I]

She is really good. She's from Austin, so she's really good in the water. San Marcos. I'm not.

[E]

There's a Rainey Streak joke in there.

[A]

Anything else crazy going on in life, Hans?

[I]

Still have my AR15? I. Jesus Christ.

[A]

Take it all back. What are you doing with it?

[I]

I. I've been showing people.

[E]

If you know Hans, you know.

[A]

That's so true.

[E]

That's 100.

[A]

What happens?

[I]

So it's on my podcast table. Sometimes I do podcasts with it.

[A]

Oh, yeah? You do podcasts with an actual AR15 on the table?

[J]

Jesus.

[A]

Is it loaded? No. Are you sure?

[I]

Not really. It's hard to check.

[E]

If you've ever been on the road with this dude. It all makes sense.

[A]

Yeah. He can't tell a lie.

[I]

Yes. I love my girlfriend.

[A]

She's all right. Great way to start the show. On a scale from 1 to 10, I give it an AR15. There goes Hans Kemp. And now we get to our bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. This is where anything can happen. This is where we meet everybody who's ever been on the show. Everybody starts here. And a lot of times it ends after one appearance. We never see them again, but you never know. We're gonna get it started tonight with 60 seconds uninterrupted by Robert Marbles, everybody. Here we go, Robert Marble.

[K]

Thank you, band. I'm not racist, but. Or not. But actually, I wanted to preface that by saying that I think there is a beautiful middle ground between racism, not being racist, and finding racism funny. I'll give you guys an example, so it's easier to understand. I'm half American. I know that's a little bit of a curve ball, but I'm also half Arab, so to give you guys a good demonstration of a joke that could be kind of funny was. For example, I was baking a pie for you all because you're so nice, and I thank you all for coming out. But instead of apple slices, I just used bombs. That's one example. I'm also, like I said, half blood. My parents both speak my dad's language. They just never taught me, which is. That's fine. And, yeah, so I. Basically, when my mom told me that she was. You know why she didn't teach me her mother tongue, she said it was because she wanted me to have her mother tongue.

[A]

And wow, Robert Marvels even. I. I mean, I do this every week, and somehow I'm still shocked at how bad people can be. Every Monday for 11 years, I'm here and you just blew my mind, Robert, you could have almost done anything other than what you just did, and it would have been better than whatever the fuck that was. I've always wondered what a zero testosterone Kenny Powers would be like. This is unbelievable.

[K]

That was my first time. So give me some.

[A]

Aw, that's the first time. Are those tears I see behind those Macho Man Randy Savage sunglasses? Oh, no. This did not go how I thought it was gonna go. Oh, no. Sad Macho Man. I love it. How old are you?

[K]

Guess.

[A]

Okay, dude, 29.

[K]

29?

[A]

Jesus Christ. I already said you have zero testosterone. Don't make me think you're plus estrogen right now. Guess how old I am. I know. The Mullet and the American shorts takes off some years. Jesus Christ, dude. Answer the goddamn questions. Were you the guy that had to help Hans Kim untie his bo? Do you look like this? You look like you're going to arrest yourself at some point. There's, like, a cop underneath this disguise.

[K]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. You'll never believe it, but you're under arrest. Okay, let's talk about it. Robert, how old are you?

[K]

I'm 29.

[A]

29. You just decided to start standup comedy today?

[K]

Literally, I was like, I Actually, not just today. It was. It was a long time coming. I moved here from Boston and I was.

[E]

Was this the first time you were ever on stage?

[K]

Yes.

[E]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Who told you to do that?

[K]

Actually, one person said not to do it, and the other person said to do it.

[E]

So I was like, yeah, that person said to do it. You need to stop talking to them. This is a terrible idea. Oh, my God.

[A]

And in those American friends. Desecration of the American flag, by the way, that's a tough loss. In those shorts, you just. Rocky Balboa. Oh, you stepped on a great joke there. You're doing negative comedy right now. Not only did you bomb, but you're blocking other people's shots. So you're from Boston. How long ago did you move to Austin?

[K]

Like a year and a half ago.

[A]

And what do you do for work?

[K]

I. I have to go back in character.

[A]

No, no, there's no character, bro.

[E]

He just started.

[A]

Yeah, Okay.

[L]

I just.

[B]

I have.

[K]

I do. I do a job that I need a. A name to not show up on. Searching.

[E]

Do you like sedatives? Like, tell the truth something's going on. You seem a little too relaxed.

[A]

Really?

[K]

I'm just feeling the, like, energy. I like the energy.

[A]

Okay. Just. Robert Marbles. Just stick with someone.

[E]

Needs to do a background check on homie.

[A]

Just answer. Answer the question.

[J]

Yes.

[A]

All right, here we go. Ready? What do you do for work?

[K]

I sell things.

[A]

What do you sell?

[K]

I sell software.

[A]

Okay. Okay. That was pretty easy. Yeah.

[K]

Had to make it more simpler.

[A]

All right. And do you make a good living doing that? Is that a full time job?

[K]

Yeah, it's a full time job. I'm very blessed. I'm very thankful.

[E]

Jesus Christ.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[E]

This is an American idol.

[A]

Yeah. What's the funniest thing you think you've ever done? This is your first time on stage. You're 29. Can you give us an example of some time that you really made your friends or family or enemies laugh?

[K]

Yeah, actually, when I was in high school, I did a magic show, like, talent show, and nobody could hear me, so I said something that just, like, made the whole audience laugh on, like, today.

[A]

What was.

[K]

Was like a flow state thing. You know how you just like, something comes and you just say, how the.

[A]

How the. Would you hit a flow state? What are you talking about? Yeah, you know when you're just in the zone, Tony, and you just can't miss? That's what I. I'm just up there doing my magic set and shit's just acting, actually disappearing. I'm throwing stuff up in the air. It's disappearing. Bird. Bird. Bird, bird, Bird. Tissue paper, tissue paper. What do you mean, flow state? Describe to us what the fuck you're bad at answering questions.

[K]

Just, like. Just being in tune with the higher, you know, unified fields.

[A]

I didn't think you were actually gonna go deeper that direction?

[K]

It's possible.

[A]

Wow. What was your childhood like?

[E]

A lot of Vicodin?

[K]

Actually, no childhood. I. I was raised in a mixed family. Like. Like half. Like I said, half Arab and half white. And so.

[A]

What kind of Arab?

[K]

North African.

[A]

North African. Arab, yeah. Can you be more specific?

[K]

I can. That's all I'm allowed to say, unfortunately.

[A]

What does that mean? That's the guy. Barely North African. The real home of the Lion King. We've been using that. We've been using the same sound effects for 11 years. And finally, it's an actual African reference. Instead of just a black guy from Detroit. Thank you.

[G]

Sort of.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I found the smallest handmade joke book that bonsai has ever created. Exactly. For this moment, Robert Marbles, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Onward we go. And I have a special treat, ladies and gentlemen. Because as of this episode, you know, and a couple past ones, when someone torrentially bombs we. A special force that we bring in. And this guy famously was on stage eight times his first night ever on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Drew Nickens.

[L]

So I don't mind dating girls with kids because I'm a child at heart. But I am worried about finding a woman who wants to peg me. Because, God damn it, I forget shit all the time. I forget she has a gag reflex. I forget to do the dishes, take out the trash, forget that she's got a clit. And I know anger is gonna build. And you know, when you're pegging someone, it goes finger, tongue, small toy, average white guy. And I know that she's not gonna follow the rules. There's gonna be candles, there's gonna be a romantic interest. And then we're gonna come in, she's gonna go, finger. She's gonna go, tongue. Then she's gonna go right into fucking Mandingo. Am I right? Oh, man. And then she's gonna be getting me, and there's gonna be some cracking sounds. And then it's gonna. I'm gonna talk like Finding Nemo Dory. All right. It's been my time. Thank y'.

[B]

All.

[A]

Drew Nickens. All right. That's different. That's different than your usual tone on stage. Not usually talking about banging bitches like this. But I guess since you've been famous for four weeks, life has changed. You know, there's a tongue, a finger, a small toy, a candle. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Are you getting pussy now, Drew?

[L]

No, but I did get to eat Taco Bell with a girl.

[A]

Why don't you talk about that, Drew? That's what I'm talking about. Tell us more about this Taco Bell.

[L]

Oh, so she slid in my DMs, and I was like, hey, what do you want to do? And she's like, well, I like Taco Bell. And I was like, oh, I'll take the hint that she's a Taco Bell. And then we watched kitten videos, and then we watched, like, a whole bunch of stuff.

[A]

Was this in your car?

[L]

No. She had an amenity roof on her apartment.

[A]

Amenity roof? A place where you take guys with brain injuries that are hanging out with you just so that your neighbor finds out in case you get of Mice and Mend. In case you accidentally squeeze a nice girl's head in completely.

[L]

Oh, I just got that.

[A]

Wow. Oh, man. You just can't make moments like that. That's incredible. Oh, man, I just got that. I was kind of wondering in the back of my head if you were getting it too. You have Mice and men reference. Cause there is two things that could have happened there, but now I'm talking about how I wouldn't trust you with a puppy. Oh, no, I'm kidding. How's life going, Drew? Talk about it.

[L]

Oh, good. I quit my job. I'm doing comedy full time now.

[A]

Awesome.

[L]

And I'm moving to Austin. In.

[A]

Boom. Hey, you got a place if you scout it out? An apartment.

[L]

I'm figuring that out now, sir.

[A]

You're fingering it out now?

[L]

Figuring it out.

[A]

Ooga. My goodness. All right, so, well, you know, let's just talk about it. When you talk about hooking up with moms that have kids, you've never done that?

[M]

No.

[A]

So you're just kind of, like, making up how you think it would be?

[L]

Well, I feel like they want another kid, they would hook up with me, but, like, I mean, I haven't gotten any play in a long time, sir. Imagine that. So I have to imagine a lot of things that would happen.

[A]

How many cans of energy drink do you think you had today?

[L]

Oh. Oh, we're on 600 milligrams today, sir.

[A]

My God, Drew. All right, well, anything else we should know about, Drew? How else are you feeling? What else is going on? You gonna have roommates in this new apartment?

[L]

I'm. I'm looking to get something by myself, like a little studio, but I. I'm open to roommates. I've had roommates most my life, so it doesn't. Doesn't faze Me, right? I don't know. I'm just playing it by ear and hoping everything falls into place.

[A]

Absolutely amazing. Have you guys seen Drew before? Matt? No, I've never seen him before.

[E]

This is a treat.

[A]

I hope you get pegged, man. I really hope, I hope, I hope that happens. Taco Bell beforehand might not be the

[E]

move, but

[A]

I hope that happens. Red band. I love it. Well, Drew, fun times. Thanks for doing another minute. There he goes. Drew Nickens. Drew Nickens. All right, back to the bucket we go. We're gonna meet em all together. Make some noise for Tyler Wright, everyone. Oh, there's Heidi and here's Tyler Wright. Make some noise for Tyler, everybody.

[H]

What's up, guys? My name is Tyler Wright. Happy to be here. I work in jewelry. Anybody fuck around with jewelry? Hell yeah. I'll tell you what, my girlfriend's a real looking one now that I fuck with jewelry because now she gets all the free pearl necklaces that she wants.

[A]

Am I right?

[H]

Right here, brother. Come on.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[I]

Hell yeah.

[H]

Love working in jewelry. Sit at a bench all day fixing clean stuff. The other day I had a necklace, right, with a crucifix pendant and Jesus had fallen off of the cross. So, guys, I got paid to re crucify Jesus Christ. I have the best fucking job in the world. I'd have done it for free. You know what I'm saying? It's like I was in the Passion of the Christ. It was so cool. I was a little worried about my craftsmanship though. Like I didn't know if I did a good job or not. So I went, asked the guy how I did, he said, brother, you nailed it. Aw, that's a good Jesus Joe. Guys, a lot of Jesus lovers here tonight. All right, that's my time, guys.

[A]

My name is Tyler Wright.

[H]

Thank you very much.

[A]

Jesus Christ. 51 seconds from Tyler Wright.

[H]

Little premature.

[A]

Do you exclusively only do jewelry jokes?

[H]

I have a good like 10 minute chunk on jewelry, yeah.

[A]

Wow. Well, we got to see a whole minute. There wasn't a single gem to be found. Fuck. Wow. Tyler, how long you been doing stand up?

[H]

About a year and a half.

[A]

Year and a half. How long you been working with jewelry?

[H]

About three years.

[A]

Okay. All right, what are our thoughts here, guys? Just saw Tyler write. I mean, it wasn't enough for the Jews to kill Jesus once, you had to kill him again? Dude, it's fucked up, man.

[H]

He had it coming. We all knew that.

[A]

Okay, what's your writing process like, Tyler? Are you just playing with jewelry all day and thinking about It. And, like, how it can connect with people.

[H]

I mean, just kind of what funny shit happens. Like, you know, like, did Jesus think that was a real thing? Jesus was off the cross and I got. I had to put him back on. I just thought that was fucking hilarious.

[A]

You thought wrong. Tyler, how big was the Jesus?

[H]

Six inches, Something like that.

[A]

Whoa. That's a giant Jesus to have on a chain. Is this like a wrapper? Something like that?

[H]

I couldn't tell you. I don't fuck with the customers. I just work in the back.

[A]

You work in the back of the jewelry place? Just back there, like a mad chemist? Yes, sir. With. You have like a little microscope thing or something?

[H]

Yeah, I have, like a gem scope and a scope that goes over a big mask because, like, you can get sick from all the dust and filings and stuff like that.

[A]

You would wear a mask. You look like. You look like the type that would wear a mask. What do you identify as?

[H]

I'm a white male. Yes. I'm sorry, everybody.

[A]

I don't know what's going on here. Tyler, tell us more about your actual life. What do you do for fun when you're not sitting there under a genoscope?

[H]

Yes, sir. I. I love pro wrestling. Big pro wrestling fan. I've been wrestling for about four and a half years as well.

[A]

You wrestle?

[H]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Oh. What?

[I]

Yeah.

[H]

All shapes and sizes these days. That's right.

[A]

Wow. Here he is, the jeweler. Oh. Oh. He's going to give you the. Oh. Some big moves coming from the jeweler. When he takes his mask off, you know he means business. It's the jeweler coming up next to definitely get his ass kicked. Have you ever won? Even in Fantasy Pro Wrestling that you probably book, do you ever win?

[H]

I have. I. I've won two titles, actually. Two tag titles.

[A]

Whoa. Tag titles. Who's your tag team partner?

[H]

I had two separate tag titles.

[A]

Oh, wow. Holy shit. This is unbelievable.

[H]

One with Giuseppe Gambini was my one partner with our manager, Jackie Jester, also my girlfriend.

[A]

Oh, wow. Small world.

[H]

Yeah, I know, right? Steven Drockner was my other tag partner. Shout out, Steve.

[A]

Okay, there you go. Shout out to Nicholas Gambini. Shut the upper. Oh, that's amazing. How long you been on stand up, Tyler?

[H]

About a year and a half.

[A]

Year and a half. You have a girlfriend?

[H]

I sure do. She signed up as well?

[A]

Yeah. How long has she been on stand up?

[H]

About five years.

[A]

It's crazy that you say this, because Redband just informed me that the producers who go and wrangle the other people inform me that she coincidentally, in a bucket with over 250 names, is the next bucket pool.

[H]

That's fucking insane.

[A]

That's fucking insane. It is insane.

[H]

We've been here for two weeks. We just moved here.

[A]

Well, let's see what happens. You might win another tag team championship here tonight. Before I give you your little joke book and send you on your way, why don't you stand back here with D Madness, and I'll bring up your. Your girlfriend, who I'm guessing is going to be a lot funnier than you. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted from the jeweler's girlfriend, Jenny Rodriguez.

[M]

I saw an article the other day that was titled, woman born with two vaginas starts in Onlyfans. And I thought, woman born with two vaginas. That's a crazy way to announce that you have an asshole. My senior prank in high school was a school shooting. It was hilarious. Everyone was just dying. Now they have mass shootings. Mass shootings? Is that where the clergy blows their load?

[A]

Thank you.

[M]

If you guys don't like dark jokes, then you're racist. On a lighter note, I gave sheep acid the other day. He was tripping balls. Thank you.

[A]

Okay. Jenny Rodriguez. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome.

[E]

That was very funny.

[A]

Thank you very much.

[E]

Very funny.

[M]

So bright in here.

[A]

Hell yeah, it is. It's a real comedy showroom. Where do you normally perform?

[M]

So I did stand up in South Bend, Indiana at the Drop Comedy Club for five years before we moved here to Austin just two weeks ago.

[A]

Is that South Bend where you're born and raised?

[M]

I was born and raised in Elkhart, Indiana.

[A]

Did you go to Notre Dame?

[M]

No.

[A]

What were you doing in South Bend?

[M]

South Bend was the only place around where I live that did comedy. Beyond South Bend, you would be looking at probably Chicago. Really is the closest big area that did stand up.

[A]

Okay. And you've been doing it five years.

[M]

Five years now.

[A]

How do you make a living?

[M]

How do I make a living? I work at Costco.

[A]

At what vape store do you work at? Costco. Costco. That's a. That's a cool place to work.

[M]

I. I work as a tire installer at Costco.

[A]

Whoa. Damn. I'm surprised you're not tired of your corny ass boyfriend. A real rim job this guy is. Am I right? He's got no bf. Good joke over here.

[M]

He knows how to fill me up.

[A]

Whoa. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're coming inside of a Rodriguez. That is dangerous. You might have to change your Last name. From right to wrong.

[M]

I told him he should take my last name so he gets booked more.

[G]

Oh,

[A]

there's going to be some angry Rodriguez is out there. Hey, why you give that guy our name?

[B]

He.

[A]

He. He sucks. Jenny, Jenny, cousin, why you be giving on our. I'm gonna go play trumpet for the Kill Tony, man.

[B]

Dude.

[A]

All right. I love it. What else is going on? Jenny, what do you do for fun?

[M]

For funsies. I. I know he touched on it. We. We do pro wrestling.

[A]

You do it too?

[M]

Yeah, yeah. I'm currently. I'm still training. I wouldn't call myself like, I want

[A]

to join this league. I'm pretty sure I'm the. I'm pretty sure I'd be the Brock Lesnar of this wrestling universe. Pretty sure I would just throw people everywhere. It's unbelievable. Just the Federation. There's no way I would take an L to the jeweler. What's your. Do you have, like, a wrestling personality?

[M]

My. My wrestling gimmick was Jackie Jester. I was a clown. I would. I would do jokey jokes.

[A]

Oh, okay. Jokey jokes. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. How does it feel being the dominantly funny force in a relationship?

[M]

It's good that he knows his place.

[A]

I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. And I got two joke books here. One for you and one for you. You ready? Boom. Jenny Rodriguez and her boyfriend, Tyler Wright. Hell yeah. Yeah. We're having fun here. And yet it is time indeed. Oh, thank you. Make so nice for Heidi, everybody. The great and powerful Heidi.

[N]

Good.

[A]

We have another regular, Ladies and gentlemen, he is a force of nature. I ran into him today at the airport in Atlanta because we were all coming home from separate gigs. He's a superstar. Make some noise for the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

[G]

I was recently in Appleton, Wisconsin. You from Wisconsin? Oh, yeah. Fuck Wisconsin. Appleton, Wisconsin, is a good place to quietly kill yourself. It was the worst place on earth. I'm from Florida. I shouldn't be in Appleton fucking Wisconsin. Oh, we got cheese.

[A]

We got cheese curds.

[G]

Fuck your cheese curds, nigga.

[A]

They disgust.

[G]

They were pretty delicious. I liked them a lot. But that's all we need from that place is cheese curd. The rest of that place can go to fucking hell, dawg. Well, Appleton, Wisconsin, didn't have homeless people. And some of y' all probably like, yo, that's pretty dope. Can you know how bad your hometown gotta be for niggas? Be like, I don't even wanna be homeless. That place is Fucking terrible, dog. When I was an Appleton, a white dude looked me down in my face and was like, you a dirty fucking nigger. I'm playing. That didn't happen,

[A]

but if it did,

[G]

it would have made the trip 10 times better. Dog that guy so much.

[A]

That's how you do it. That's it. Un. Fucking believable. Unbelievable. That's how you do it.

[G]

I was stressing about this one, but this was fun.

[A]

Oh yeah, that was great.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

You're an absolute machine. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Now that you're doing the road every weekend, to be able to come back on Mondays with a fresh perspective of different places around America and to be able to make fun of them different ways and have different things happen and still have your own style of misdirects and you don't see the switch coming. It's so cool.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

And it's fucking amazing. What else is going on? What else? What was fun in Wisconsin?

[G]

It was terrible. Madison was great. Yeah, Madison, Wisconsin was phenomenal. That was a great place. Yeah.

[A]

Well, why was that great?

[G]

Club was awesome. The club was awesome. You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Uh huh.

[M]

Yeah.

[A]

But.

[G]

But Appleton is a shithole. Like it's. They don't need a place. They don't need to be a thing.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[G]

I don't think. I think we should blow that bitch to smithereens. We should blow it up. We should just blow it up. I think that's the best option for Appleton, Wisconsin, is to blow it up.

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

I hate it so much. It was terrible. We was there and we was hanging out with this girl and there was a dude sitting on the ground and she had like work boots on and she placed her work boot on his face and I just thought, oh, that's her homeboy. They do this all the time. And it wasn't. He didn't. He was like, who the fuck is you, bitch? And started cussing out this. When I realized I'm becoming somebody in life. Cause why? He was like, I fuck you kill. He went, are you Cam Patterson? I like, I gotta get the out of Appleton, Wisconsin. This place is terrible. Then he beat her ass. It was crazy. I just watched and applauded.

[A]

What made Madison better? Tell us about the positives of Madison.

[G]

Nothing. It was nothing.

[B]

There.

[G]

I ain't get no pussy or nothing. Madison was terrible. Oh, Madison. Oh, I'm sorry. Madison was great. The club was awesome.

[A]

Yeah, the club's awesome. What else?

[G]

I got some Head. That was cool.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[G]

Got some head.

[A]

I got head masked.

[G]

That was great. That was pretty awesome.

[A]

Okay.

[G]

But other than that, I mean, Wisconsin now, though. I mean, Wisconsin as a whole is just like. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[G]

Milwaukee.

[B]

Cool.

[G]

Cause they got niggas, though. But other than that, you feel me?

[A]

Is that a positive or a negative?

[G]

Depends on how you look at it, Tony.

[A]

I know how I look at it. I was wondering how you look at it. That is.

[G]

I like it.

[A]

They starting.

[G]

The Kill Boys started up.

[A]

You what? What? Kid Boys.

[G]

The people that be. It's like a group of teenagers that

[A]

just steal, kill you.

[G]

Ain't nobody.

[A]

Yeah, Kia Boys. Yeah, the Kia Boys.

[N]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[G]

So the Kia Boys started in Milwaukee, so I With them.

[B]

They cool. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Shout out to car thieves. It's a good old plug. Good people to have on your side. Just in case you ever have a Kia that you park in front of a theater while you're performing at. Oh, I love it. Fun times, fun times. How's life in Austin treating you? Like.

[M]

Cool.

[G]

I'm barely here now. That's dope. Thank y'. All. You feel me? Life changed. So I'm never really here, but when I am, I just sleep and shit.

[A]

What are you spending your money on?

[G]

Cologne.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

You like good cologne?

[G]

Buying a lot of cologne. I'm buying too much cologne. I look like this, but I have on $300 worth of cologne right now.

[A]

Wow.

[G]

And it's pretty insane to be like, yeah, look at me. But also smell me, though. You feel what I'm saying? I smell phenomenal. I do.

[A]

Are you mixing them? Do you have a favorite?

[G]

I got. Right now? I'm with Bleepman Place. Bleepman play. From.

[C]

From.

[A]

If you say it three times, he appears out of nowhere. Bleepo Place.

[G]

Bleepo Place.

[A]

Bleepo Place. Just a black Beetlejuice shows up. Hey, say my name. Say my name. Say my name.

[G]

I'm Beetle Blob.

[A]

I'm Beetle Blob.

[G]

Yeah, but I f. Bleepman right now. That hard?

[A]

Every time you say it, it's different.

[G]

How do you say it right?

[A]

You haven't said it the same way twice.

[G]

Bleatman Place. Bleakman.

[A]

You say it again.

[G]

Bleepman Place.

[A]

Bleakman Place. There's no l in it. First of all, spoiler alert. How you say it sounds like you're saying it into a walkie talkie. You're not going to believe that. It literally says the fragrance Notes Red Band has pointed out. It says the fragrance notes are pineapple, watermelon. And fried chicken. This is unbelievable. I cannot believe you, Cam. You don't need cologne. That's what you would smell like without. All right. Too much fun. That's gonna get edited out. Thank you. Kidding. It's not. It never is.

[G]

That was a lyric.

[A]

Cam, you're absolutely killing it. You're exactly. What? A fucking regular on this show. And his job doesn't rotate. He has a hard job of writing and performing C60 seconds every week with extremely high expectations. You're only competing with yourself. It's unbelievable. Make some noise for Cam Patterson. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. It's time for your next bucket pool. We're gonna meet them all together. It's 60 seconds uninterrupted for Benjamin Grelli or Greeley Grelly, perhaps. Mix the notes of Benjamin, everybody. Hello.

[B]

How are you? Nice to see you. My name's Ben. I'm from Boston. Anybody ever been to Boston?

[A]

All right.

[B]

Hey, my condolences. Did you get mugged? I must have missed you. Motherfucker. Son of a bitch. I grew up in the Italian section of town. It wasn't quite a ghetto. It was more of a spaghetto, if you know what I mean. My parents were migrant pizza pickers. They came here during the great pepperoni famine. It was in all the Italian history books. My wife's beautiful. She's a beautiful Italian girl. She's got the face of an angel. An angel with a fucking mustache. She's got a. She's got a big, goofy mustache. It's, like. Makes Tom Selleck jealous. Hey, you guys know who Tom Selleck is? My wife's very skinny. She kind of looks like this. She's so skinny, she has to tease her pubic hair just to keep her pants up.

[A]

All right, all right. Hey, hey. Look what we got here.

[B]

There's more.

[A]

I bet.

[B]

I saw you today walking up.

[A]

You want to do some more?

[B]

I was impressed. I'm a fucking Tony Henschler, motherfucker.

[A]

Wow. You just got all quiet. What happened?

[B]

What? What?

[A]

You got quiet there?

[B]

Yeah, I got mixed up. Anyway, I went to the Ad Institute of Boston.

[A]

Holy. This guy's all over the place. Yeah, I love a. I love that guy, Cam.

[B]

He's funny.

[A]

It's okay. If you want to say the N word, you can. Benjamin.

[B]

Oh, what's that, Nebraska?

[A]

Hey, I like your style.

[B]

Anyway, I went to the Art Institute of Boston.

[A]

Segue.

[B]

You're fucking me. Up here, hold on. It was an art school. We had a football team. We were called the Van Goghs. Our helmets only had one ear hole.

[A]

All right, over here, Benjamin, over here. We got a flag on the play, sneaking in a joke. That has nothing to do with what we're talking about here.

[B]

Am I done?

[A]

I love your style. How old are you, Benjamin? How long you been to doing stand up?

[B]

I've been doing stand up about 12 years all together. But I stopped for 14. I did, I did. I started in 89. Brian Holtzman. Was it my very first open mic? Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Actually in Boston.

[B]

No, in San Francisco. The Holy City Zoo.

[A]

San Francisco. You were performing at a zoo?

[B]

Yes. Alligators and bears. What? For the alligators and bears at the zoo.

[A]

Okay, but you're originally from Boston.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What have you been doing for a living your whole life?

[B]

Well, I was in the restaurant business for a long time. Yeah, My brother and I had five restaurants in Santa Barbara. Well, in California.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And for the past five years I've been robbing banks and rolling old people. No, I've been driving Uber.

[A]

You're adorable. Hey, you're adorable. You come in and out and then sometimes it makes perfect sense and sometimes it doesn't. Have you ever thought about being President of the United States of America?

[M]

Thank you.

[B]

I already got my running mate.

[A]

Likable. You go off on your own tangents.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sorry. I had hairy legs, as I.

[A]

No, you said my wife, my wife has hairy legs.

[B]

Legs got a big mustache.

[A]

Okay. I love it. Did you make good money selling your five restaurants in Santa Barbara?

[B]

My brother did, but I, I didn't.

[A]

Have your brother screwed you over?

[B]

No, but he, he had more money invested than I did. I invested about 1750. Is that $17 50?

[A]

You sure you got lunch there one time, is that what you're saying?

[B]

I didn't have a lot of money. I spent it all on drugs, but I don't do drugs anymore.

[A]

What kind of drugs were you smoking?

[B]

I had a 32 year heroin habit, believe it or not.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

No way.

[B]

Hey, I got a response out of joke. That's good. Yeah, I started when I was 19.

[A]

Okay, okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're having flashbacks right now.

[E]

Now, bro, you look like the guy who sold to the Manson family.

[A]

This is incredible. So let's talk about the 32 year long heroin habit.

[B]

Yeah, that was a. I don't suggest it.

[A]

How did it start? What made you start heroin? You remember that time? You remember that first, first of All. How long have you been sober?

[B]

17 years.

[A]

17 years.

[B]

17.

[A]

Thank you. But let's rewind. Let's go. 32 years. Before that, what was. What made you try. What was it like? The first time when that hot needle hit the vein, and all of a sudden you plunged down on that plunger and all of a sudden the feeling that would change your life for the next 32 years starts flowing through your veins. I imagine.

[I]

Imagine.

[A]

I mean, life changing moment for you. 32 years. Oh, there it is. There you go. He's in it. He's in it, folks. I've hypnotized him back to being a heroin addict. All right, grab the microphone there, Benjamin. So tell us, how'd you start? What made you try it? What was it like?

[B]

Well, I. A Puerto Rican girlfriend.

[A]

Oh, that is how everything starts. Christ. Jesus Christ.

[B]

And her brother was a heroin dealer. And all my idols were heroin users. The Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Jimmy Hendrick, Janet Shin. Name somebody else.

[A]

No, we got you. We got you. He's run out of Lenny Bruce.

[B]

I was a drummer in a rock band.

[A]

I hear you. Make sure you talk right into the

[B]

tip of the micro.

[D]

Drummer.

[A]

No, don't do that. Don't do that, Benjamin. This guy's good. You're a natural entertainer. You know the guys that did heroin, all those big bands and everything that you named, they didn't stop doing their art when they were on heroin. You made the weird decision to take a break?

[B]

No, I was going to art school doing all that.

[A]

You were going to school? What kind of art. If you're on heroin, you're supposed to be teaching art school, not going to it.

[B]

Yeah, my art is kind of eclectic. A few of my paintings have blood in them, as a matter of fact. Yeah.

[A]

Glad we asked that question. You're. You're a good drummer, Benjamin. So what types of other things would you do while on the.

[G]

Wait a minute.

[E]

You're just gonna let that blood thing slide by? I mean, don't you want to probe him a little bit?

[B]

Go ahead, probe me.

[A]

Probe me. This guy.

[B]

No probing allowed. I did live in Zambia. Francisco. I was in a bar one day, a guy came up to me, he said, may I push in your stool?

[A]

Okay, Benjamin, you're doing jokes out of joke books up here. I gotta.

[B]

Do you hear that in your joke book?

[A]

Okay, Benjamin, relax.

[B]

I better tow that up.

[A]

Tell us more about your life. What's your love life been like? You have any kids?

[B]

Yeah, I have one kid. He's 55.

[A]

He's 55. So for 32 years and two granddaughters. Okay, let's talk about the crossover between your 55 year old child and your 32 year heroine addiction. How did that affect you raising your kid, do you think?

[B]

Oh, it wasn't good.

[A]

Tell us more.

[B]

Yeah, it's not good to have a junkie for a father.

[A]

Do you ever have a moment where you were like, where, like it affected you and his thing directly?

[B]

Not really. Not really. I kept in touch.

[A]

I wish he was here to hear that answer,

[O]

Dad.

[A]

What the hey?

[B]

That sounds just like him, actually. Yeah, that's the. No.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Benjamin, before I let you go, tell me, your whole life, how old are you again?

[B]

73.

[A]

73. You are adorable. You are absolutely adorable.

[B]

Thank you, man. I appreciate that.

[A]

Your entire life, you know, not entire life behind you, but all that experience. 73 years. What's like the craziest thing that's ever happened to you? What's the thing that you're the most proud of? Or something like that?

[B]

Proud or crazy?

[A]

Both. Answer anything.

[B]

I used to get high with the night stalker. Richard Ramirez.

[A]

Fucking great answer. That is the first time in 11 years that anybody's answered that question with that that I didn't answer. I mean, that is just absolutely incredible. And by the way, I believe it. And by the way, I think Richard Ramirez was more afraid of you than you ever were of him.

[B]

He was pretty weird.

[A]

Yeah, tell us about it.

[B]

He used to get dope from the same guy I got dope from. And I was in there getting. Getting some heroin and coke. Speedballs don't do. Don't do speedballs.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, right?

[B]

Yeah. Did you hallucinate?

[A]

Holy. All right. What are you making a deal out here? What's going on? Keep on the story.

[B]

Look, I saw a giant guinea pig in my driveway once. I did so much speedballs.

[A]

Somehow I understood Cam Patterson better than you. This is incredible.

[B]

I like rocks, but I've never.

[E]

You were saying you met Richard Ramirez.

[A]

You said I like rocks. By the way, for those of you

[B]

that missed it, Patterson, I could relate to him right away. Okay, anyway, yeah, I forgot the question.

[A]

Richard Ramirez, remember smoking weed with him?

[B]

Yeah. No.

[A]

Was it weed or crack? What was it? Heroin?

[B]

Yeah. Shooting coke, coke and heroin. Speedballs.

[A]

Wow. Okay. Yeah, gotcha.

[B]

John Belushi.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He was a novice. Poor guy. But anyway, yeah, so he was in there. Then when he left, busted adult peeling like that. Guy is weird, man. He's got a pentagram in his room under the right. And he was weird. He had black eyes. And he was very strange. Then at my home in San Francisco, my girlfriend's like, holy, Richie's on the news. That's when they caught him.

[A]

Richie. You were so close with Richard Ramirez.

[B]

That's his name.

[A]

You guys called him Richie.

[B]

That's his name. His name is Richie.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I didn't know he was a night star. Oh, there he was on the news in la. People are chasing him down the street. Run, Richie.

[A]

Oh, my good. That is crazy.

[B]

I also used to get high with Timothy Treadwell. You know, Timothy the Grizzly Man? Guys got eaten by a bear.

[A]

Wait, what? Are you serious? I swear to God, dude, heroin rules.

[E]

You meet the coolest people.

[A]

I didn't hear heroin rules.

[B]

I said, oh, yeah, don't try it. Take my advice.

[E]

What was that guy like?

[B]

Really? I'm not glorifying drug use by any means, really.

[A]

Don't fucking tell us more about Trevor Treadwell.

[B]

He was a really nice guy, but it was nuts, you know, he's. I met him from my friend at this bar. At this bar in Santa Monica, you guys, probably the English pub there, right on Santa Monica Boulevard. And he was always in there. And he had pictures of beer prints in the snow. And he would name the bears after the guys in the bar.

[A]

So.

[B]

Yeah, he never got to me, though. But anyway, we would tell him, did

[A]

he get around to Richie? Are you your good friend, Richie? No, Bear?

[B]

No, this is Timmy.

[A]

But anyway, did Timmy ever try to kiss you or anything like that? No, why, would that be a thing? Yeah. Have you seen the movie? No.

[E]

You haven't seen Grizzly Man?

[A]

Yeah. I don't remember a gay part. Was there a gay.

[E]

The whole thing.

[A]

Really?

[E]

Yeah, every moment.

[A]

Isn't that the guy that gets eaten by the bear?

[E]

About a guy pretending not to be gay and he's going so far out of the way that he lives with monsters in the woods and gets eaten. It's a.

[A]

Sounds like the story of my life. I mean, it's a Tony Hinchcliffe documentary.

[E]

It's an amazing film. It's Werner Herzog. It's.

[A]

No, yeah, it's great. It's been a long time since I've seen it.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know if he was gay or not. He had a girlfriend and she finally went with him to Alaska.

[E]

She got eight, too.

[B]

And she got eaten. Yeah. And not a good eating, you know.

[E]

Right.

[A]

Benjamin, I like your style, man. You're getting a big joke. But congratulations. Benjamin Grally, ladies and gentlemen. Hey, I would love to have you on the secret Show Thursday. Whoa. He has no idea, by the way. He has no idea what just happened. Are you in town Thursday? I would love to have you on the secret show at the Sunset.

[B]

I'll be there, sir.

[A]

7am 7am he's gonna be there. Unbelievable. Un. Believable. All right, Benjamin, get back there. Get back there. We'll see you later. Catching up with Joe. Make some noise. To the lovely Heidi, everybody. You must admit, this place is a real sausage fest. We need a little feminine energy. Okay, another bucket pull. Here we go. Just like Benjamin. We're going to meet them all together. It's Sebastian Eb everybody. Sebastian Eb. 60 seconds, uninterrupted.

[N]

How we doing, Austin?

[D]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[N]

Damn, it's hot. Austin. It's hot. Real quick, let's give a quick Happy Pride Month to all the people that classify under lgbtq. Mep. You know, Ty Rivetta, Bobby Brown, Tony. Right, okay.

[A]

No, no, I messed up.

[G]

Right?

[N]

So, look, okay, look, I'm an ally. Look, I'm an ally, unlike Tony, though. No homo. I'm wearing socks. I'm wearing socks. If you know, you know. As an ally, though, I am wondering, how deep are we going to implement it into our education system? Right? Are we going to start going, A as in lonely ass asexual, B, as in everyone is bi, basically. Right. C, as in watch for hepatitis, D for demisexual, and E for everyone who's confused on the difference between bi and pansexual. We gotta look out for the dyslexics out there. Am I right? Come on.

[G]

Damn.

[B]

Oh.

[N]

Happy Pride Month, y'.

[A]

All.

[N]

That's about a minute. This is just like last time.

[A]

No, Sebastian, it's okay. It's okay.

[N]

Thank you.

[D]

Thank you.

[N]

Tony.

[E]

Did you really do gay jokes in that jacket?

[G]

It.

[A]

It's unbelievable.

[E]

It's the color of the show.

[A]

It's the.

[N]

I didn't pick the color of the show.

[E]

That's outrageous, sir.

[G]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

It's a gayest jacket I've ever seen in my life. For real.

[E]

It couldn't be gayer if there were metal dicks on it.

[N]

I did get it in Wimberley, you know. You've been to Wimbley?

[A]

You literally look like you're doing the walking of shame from Michael Jackson's house after what he did to me. I can take his jacket. Shouldn't have left it on the floor next to me.

[N]

It's crazy. Somebody said that earlier already.

[G]

Damn.

[A]

What?

[N]

Nothing. Never mind.

[A]

I mean, if you're going to say stuff, you have to at least enunciate. There was a guy, 73 and completely out of place and delusional, on before you. We understood some of it. Sebastian, how long you been on stage trying to perform?

[N]

You met me last year, Tony.

[A]

Okay, so what's the answer to the question? You're not memorable. Sebastian, how new is that jacket? You're the jacket guy now. You're that guy that wore that jacket.

[N]

That's what my friends say, too. Look, I've been doing this since last year, but really, technically, really, four months. I quit, like, seven months. Well, I basically.

[A]

Jesus. Sebastian. Sebastian. You're in that moment right now. You're on this show. You've seen the show. You've seen the interview part. You're in that moment right now. This is your moment. Oh, he's putting down the book.

[N]

No, obviously it didn't work.

[A]

Okay, so, Sebastian, do you go. Do you try a lot? You seem very nervous and uncomfortable and out of place.

[N]

Well, I have a jacket on. I mean, it's hot in here, you know? I'm saying, can I take off the jacket?

[A]

You think it's hot in here? It's normal temperature in here. Where you were outside was hot. That's true.

[N]

That's true. Just taking off the jacket.

[A]

What if he just starts killing after taking off the jacket? Now that that's off. What's the deal with. It's a haunted jacket? Jesus Christ. I'm killing it up here. Thank God I got the weight of that jacket off my shoulders. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[N]

Tony warned you. You're about to bump long right now, Matt.

[A]

Whoa, wait a minute.

[N]

Why does it look better on you than it did on me? That's not fair.

[A]

5,000 times better.

[E]

I like you in that.

[A]

That's actually. Actually, it totally works.

[E]

Yeah, it works.

[A]

You were built for that jacket. And that jacket was built for you.

[E]

We might have found you a new look, son.

[A]

Oh, boy. It could be cursed. It could be cursed.

[E]

You could break that curse.

[N]

Actually, I actually have different intentions for this jacket tonight, Actually, look, this look, this reminded me.

[A]

Oh, my God. Is it going to explode? What race are you? I had different, different intentions for this jacket. Who the pull the strings?

[N]

We talked about this last time. I'm Italian. Bartolomeo is my last name.

[A]

Oh. We don't. We don't claim you Italians. Don't want you to say you're Italian. From now on, you're Iranian. What do you do for work?

[N]

Last time I said it, I got fired. I'm gonna. I'm gonna Play the fifth.

[A]

Well, since you got fired. What did you say last time?

[N]

Last time I was a marketing guy. Rosette. Okay, Tony, can I say something?

[A]

Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.

[N]

I'm sorry.

[A]

I'm sorry. You are terrible.

[N]

I was terrible last time.

[E]

Look, what keeps you going?

[N]

Good times and weed. Sometimes.

[A]

How much did you pay for the jacket? A lot. How much? Can you answer any questions? You're on a show.

[N]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. $500.

[A]

$500? No, you didn't.

[O]

Why?

[A]

It's so hot in here.

[N]

I think it looks cool. I took some great pics with it in Colorado. You should see them.

[A]

Are those. Are those your glasses on your necklace or did you just meet a wacky jeweler before coming on stage?

[O]

They're real.

[N]

But I look better without them, so I just take them.

[A]

Well, let's see you with them. We want to see your real self. We want to see how God made you. This is not made by God.

[N]

It's made by.

[A]

Oh, there he is. What a fucking dork. Oh, man. You thought you could just take those glasses off and put on that jacket? I identify as a different man.

[N]

Wait, wait, wait. So like I said, I have different intentions for this jacket. When I bought it, it looked like Eddie Murphy's jacket in Raw a little bit, right?

[A]

Oh, my God. When you bought it, it looked like that. What happened to it? D. Dude. No, that was the first thing I thought when I was watching you do your thing. I'm like, dude, he's like Eddie Murphy from Crazy. Yeah, except he's actually delirious. Right, but who.

[N]

Who reminds us of ADI Murphy lately? I mean, Cam Patterson. He's been killing it, right?

[A]

Yeah. Can't. Cat Patterson. Yeah, he's really killing it out there. Great point.

[N]

Unlike me. So unlike me.

[A]

Dean Madness can only hear, so he never misses a joke. It's a little fun fact.

[N]

I was hoping I could give this to him, but only if he gets on stage because this is an expensive jacket.

[A]

No, no, it's going to Matt McCusker. Okay, okay, I'll keep the jacket.

[N]

I'm actually glad you said that. I wanted to keep it.

[A]

Okay, well, keep it. There you go. It'll serve you well.

[N]

Thank you, Joe.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Damn, dude. Damn, man. The good news is it's just the right color that when you blow your brains out, we can bury you in it and it's gonna blend right in with your brains. Did you get a little joke book last time? I'm guessing it's actually in the Jacket, I believe it is. Another terrible answer. He just. He goes out the way he came in. Just absolutely pure sadness. Nothing more, nothing less. No secret show, no joke book. I was originally going to offer you money for the jacket to give to Matt McCusker, but I don't even want to do that.

[N]

I could really use it. I just got back from Vegas. You know how that goes.

[A]

Hey, you know how Vegas goes. Am I right? You can do better than that, ladies and gentlemen. It's a scary show to sign up for. Anything can happen. With great positives of the show come great negatives. And that was Sebastian E.B. ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. There he goes, everybody. Sebastian E.B. straight out the curtain. Matt, don't give him that pat. Don't you give him the don't kill yourself pat. It gets better. You'll do better next time. It's all okay. I know what those pats mean. Deep Madness can read those like Braille. It won't be that bad again. You'll do better down the road. Keep practicing. I don't remember what I said. I was like, padding. Padding is sadder than no padding. Got Cam Pattingson over here. So stupid. I'm in idiot. But I do have something to change the momentum. I do believe of Sebastian. EB said, and that is, you know, one of our rotating opening regulars is such a hungry wolf and he's so hell bent on getting American citizenship within the next seven months that he said he had another new minute ready. He's absolutely hilarious. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the Estonian assassin, Ari Madd.

[O]

Hello, Austin, Texas. My luck has been turning. I won something on Facebook. I won myself a case of Red Bull. Dude, I have so much Red Bull at my place now, my fridge slammed with Red Bull chicks. Come over to my place, you get two Red Bulls.

[L]

Bam.

[O]

I'm now like the opposite of Bill Cosby. Pictures at my place are.

[N]

What was that?

[O]

Where's your pants? No misunderstandings at my place the next day. You can't be like, I can't remember much, bitch. I gave you three Red Bulls. I saw you fly away.

[A]

Thank you very much. Fuck yes. Thank you.

[G]

Thank you.

[A]

Monster Bill over here and kill Tony. Regular ship land. I absolutely love your appearances on this show.

[O]

Thank you.

[A]

So distinctly strong. It gets stronger. You set something up and you fucking knock it down. I had no idea where you were going with E. I have so much Red bullshit.

[O]

Thank you so much, Tony.

[A]

Amazing stuff, Ari. Matty. What?

[O]

Is it true that I have Red Bull?

[D]

Yeah.

[O]

I Have so much Red Bull. Tony, you want make you remember that night?

[A]

I know. No sleep. Amazing.

[O]

I love it here.

[A]

Tell me more.

[O]

I love it here. Amazing club. Thank you. Joe Rogan and also Red band, Sunset Comedy Club. Very good. I know, I know. Comedians are like, the ceilings are too high. Well, how about about you kill harder.

[A]

Wow. Very good. It was fun having him as a regular on the show, everybody. It was really good. Your reti early retirement tonight. You have nothing to do but go sit and write and drink Red Bull. No, it's fun. How's. How's life going, Ari?

[O]

Matty, it's amazing. I went to get the social number today.

[A]

Oh, very good. You should probably know for your test. It's called a Social Security number.

[O]

Well, I don't have it yet, so I don't feel secure.

[A]

I love it. I love it. You have a social insecurity number. Yes. Amazing. What else are you going through? What is this process like? Tell us, because, you know, we never get to talk to the migrants that we don't like. So tell us what becoming an American citizen legally, the right way for those of you watching across the border now?

[O]

Well, the interview. I mean, first of all, I had to get the interview in an American embassy. And I don't know if you guys know this, but American embassy is fucking scary.

[A]

American embassy. American embassy.

[O]

And here's another suggestion for immigrants. Don't make jokes at immigration, dude. No, literally, I go for the interview, they ask, ask me like, have you ever been part of a terrorist organization like Al Qaeda or isis? And I go, well, if I don't get this visa, I will be. This lady literally just looks at me.

[N]

What was that?

[O]

You know, crazy. Don't do that. Matt McCusker.

[A]

Ari, is this funny all the time, by the way. It's. He's very quickly becoming one of my favorite drinking buddies. We're kind of dangerous around each other in the late hours.

[O]

I have a problem.

[A]

Yes, yes. You get really fun between like midnight and 2. I can't even imagine what Red Bulls at your place are like after that.

[O]

Dude, you should see me at 4. It's gay. See, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

I bet you have a 73 year old heroin addict over your house just kicking it. And he is like a Tom Selleck.

[B]

I love it.

[O]

Also Joe Rogan, you know, I used to do fighting, you know that I went 03.

[A]

He was an MMA fighter.

[O]

Was not for me. No. Thank you.

[A]

How did these people beat? You can describe a match.

[O]

Just mentally, like, I don't have it, dude. I just don't have, like.

[A]

Oh, you know, some guys, like, you know, I do know a pro wrestling federation you could join and absolutely dominate.

[O]

I'm like, more of a, you know, like a fun. Like, you know, I could be a great, like, cheerleader. I just didn't have it. I tried it. Not for me. No. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah.

[O]

In a cage with men.

[A]

What else is going on, Ari? Maddie, you're making. Did you really fight?

[O]

Yes.

[A]

Really?

[O]

I tried really hard.

[A]

Where were you out of? In Estonia.

[O]

We had a subsidiary of Straight Plast gym where Conor McGregor trains and everybody. Yeah, it was. There's actually a good, good system there. We have a jiu jitsu system there. The guy comes here, teaches at 10 Planet, you know.

[A]

All right. Yeah.

[E]

Okay. I thought you were just fucking around.

[O]

No, no no no. I really gave it a shot.

[E]

You gave it three shots.

[O]

Yeah, I had a good, like a fucking front kick, dude.

[A]

Show us what it would look like if you actually tried it. Like, you're being silly. Let's see. Let's see a friend kick.

[O]

What do you want?

[A]

What? What?

[G]

What?

[O]

What? What do you guys want?

[A]

Show us some. Put the mic in the mic stand. Show us some. Here he is, Ari. Maddy, for this heat. Oh, whoa whoa. Oh, wow. Oh. Oh, Wow.

[O]

And then sometimes at the end, I give a little.

[A]

A little kiss. The old kiss of death. Joe Rogan, Happy Pride Month. Indeed, indeed. Hilarious. So stupid. The old kiss of death. Imagine somebody landing that in an actual match. How demoralizing.

[O]

What's more powerful than love?

[A]

Oh my God, Ari, you're so much goddamn fun.

[O]

Thank you so much.

[A]

You're so good at this that we can't Even remember Sebastian E.B. from 8 minutes ago. Thank you very much, everybody. Ari. Maddie. In a race to become an American citizen. And he's on his way. So good. We got a bucket pool. That is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen. That means it's one of you representing you that signed up here tonight. So make some noise for Jonathan Hammond or Hammed. Here you go. Jonathan.

[O]

Jonathan.

[A]

Jonathan. Jonathan. Just come this way, you guys. It. It's a big step. Yeah, but It'll save us 40 seconds. It's Johnny, everybody.

[P]

Shut your face. So I had a crippling porn addiction. I was. I was stuck in a chair. I mean, computer chair's got wheels on it. That's a wheelchair, right?

[H]

No.

[P]

Okay, so I had to stop watching porn because I wasn't seeing what I was looking for. There's not enough porn stars with down Syndrome.

[A]

Don't pull back.

[P]

I'm not the one that isn't hiring them. It's just a fact. So I started writing my own script

[A]

for a porno, right?

[J]

But

[P]

it's called Triple X Tromosome starring Dicker Downs. They have special needs and so does he. That's my time.

[A]

Jonathan hammed hamilton.

[P]

Like mark hamill. H a m m e o.

[A]

Okay. Your e and your l is connected. Looked like a d. Cool. Hamill. I love it. Okay, jonathan, welcome. Why do you look like a pirate that landed in new jersey? I've crashed along you shores. I need a track suit,

[P]

lady.

[A]

Oh, the. We've crashed in a land called Hoboken. It is all on now. Okay, Jonathan, what do you do with a mustache like that? What do you do for a job?

[P]

I work at cvg. What's that airport in Cincinnati? That's in Kentucky.

[A]

The airport.

[P]

Apologies.

[A]

What do you. What exactly do they have you doing at the airport? Keeping you safe.

[P]

De icing the planes.

[A]

You're the de icer?

[P]

Yep, one of them.

[A]

Wow. And you specialize in specifically de icing?

[P]

I mean, that's what I do over the winter.

[A]

I. What do you do during the summertime?

[P]

I work with dhl.

[A]

Dhl.

[P]

The idea their planes in the winter and then I help them load them in the summer.

[A]

You help them load?

[P]

Yep. Big fat loads.

[A]

Oh, okay. Sorry. Wow. Geez.

[P]

I shouldn't have said that.

[A]

There you go. All right. How long you been doing that for?

[P]

I've been at the airport seven years. This like November.

[A]

Okay. And what made you try stand up comedy tonight?

[P]

I mean, it's. I've been doing it for a couple

[A]

years and in Cincinnati. Yes, Go Bananas.

[P]

I've been at Go Bananas.

[A]

Liberty Bone, Funny Bone.

[P]

Liberty Funny Bone. Did Wiley's before Brickies.

[A]

Okay, how's that gone for you?

[P]

I mean, pretty good. You know

[A]

what brought you to Austin, Texas tonight?

[P]

Me and my buddy Jason here.

[A]

He.

[P]

He's the one who put me on to watch your show. And I got him to start doing standup about nine months ago.

[A]

You got your friend Jonathan. Are you pointing at that guy? His name's Jason. Okay, Jason, are you pointing at him? That's him.

[P]

Yeah, that's him. My bad.

[A]

You got him to start.

[H]

Yep.

[A]

So you, as great as you are, are out there spreading the word. You can do it too. If I can do it, you can do it.

[P]

I didn't realize I did that bad. Damn. Okay.

[A]

You didn't.

[P]

Yeah, I'm sorry.

[A]

You're the only person that Performed tonight. That's literally been in the room the whole time. You didn't notice the audible sound of non laughter?

[P]

I mean, it's, it's fair.

[A]

What's Jason's last name? You guys came here from Cincinnati together? Yeah.

[P]

Yeah.

[A]

What's Jason's last name?

[P]

Elrod.

[A]

Is that what he signed up as?

[P]

Indeed.

[A]

Well then, ladies and gentlemen, just to see, we had a couple on earlier and after Pride Month, we're going to have a gay couple, ladies and gentlemen, his better half from Cincinnati, all the way from Bum fucked Egypt. Just hillbilly bumpkin, middle of nowhere. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds from Jason Elrod, everybody.

[F]

So I like to consider myself an ally. I celebrated Pride Month and Juneteenth at the same time by fucking a black trans woman. I know all you scary white boys asking yourselves the same two things. How was it? Did she steal anything? Yeah, she stole my heart. But no, it was dope. We did some really cool role playing. I swapped races and she swapped genders. And then she showed me this really cool sex position called the Reverse Floyd. It's where she pretended to find a counterfeit $20 bill on me and then she sat on my face for 8 minutes and 46 seconds.

[A]

Thank you. That's what time I had a feeling. I had a feeling this was gonna happen. Happen. He got you to start standup and he transferred all of his powers onto you.

[F]

I've seen him do really good before.

[A]

Of course. No, I'm just kidding. It's all good. You guys are cool. So Jason, welcome. That was fantastic.

[F]

Thank you, thank you.

[A]

And you've been doing it nine months

[F]

because of this show is what got me out and doing shit.

[A]

I love it.

[F]

And then he told me to go with fucking dude it.

[A]

But yeah, I love it. I love it. And obviously by your shirt I can tell you're also inspired by David Lucas. So that's very exciting. What do you do for a living?

[F]

I own a small junk removal service. I do Uber and sell a little bit of weed.

[A]

Okay. Is your father a former heroin addict? Are you the 55 year old son that we heard about about earlier? A lot of guys with junk removal services, you just lug shit out into a truck and take it places.

[F]

Mostly to the dump or the recycling center or we cherry pick the good shit.

[A]

Damn right, cherry picking. I've been there, my friend. Okay, what's the best thing you've ever cherry picked out of a junk? Someone else's trash is another man's treasure. What's the Greatest treasure that you found?

[F]

Yeah. Really recent job, I got like one of them 70 Styles dressers. Sold it to my neighbor for $300 and I got a bunch of water damaged vinyl records. And my homie came, bought those, gave me 100 bucks.

[A]

Did he know they were water damaged?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, he cherry picked through them and took what he wanted.

[A]

Okay, Very cool. Red band. Did you have something you wanted to say? No, I just. Aren't records like waterproof? Like what?

[F]

Well, the vinyls can still play if you clean them up, but the sleeves are fucked.

[A]

Hell yeah. But enough about your buddy's tracksu. I love it, I love it. What else? What else do you do with life? You leave a lovely lady back in Cincinnati.

[F]

I got my eye on a couple right now. But technically single at the moment.

[A]

Okay, technically single. What does that mean for a trash remover like you? You fucking.

[F]

Guess it means if she's got junk, I'll throw it in my trunk and.

[A]

Wait, you're gonna shove her cock up your ass?

[F]

Average white guy size.

[A]

Okay, this guy's down to party. Jason, you have any other special skills or talents? You seem like you've done some white rapping in your lifet. Chocolate and cheese.

[F]

I played in a Prague rock band for like eight years, but we kind of broke up.

[A]

What did you do in the prog rock band?

[F]

Played guitar.

[A]

You played electric guitar?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Really? Have you kept up on your guitar skills?

[F]

No, dude, I haven't played in months.

[A]

Did you sing at all?

[F]

No.

[A]

A Yeah. D Madness said yes, you do. But he can tell that you've listened to the show and you don't want to embarrass yourself yourself. Is that true?

[F]

No, I don't consider myself here always says no.

[A]

No, I don't consider myself the weird voice. It works during your stand up, but it's frightening in real life. No, I would never. All right. Okay. Well guys, I mean look, you're here, you're in the front row. I think we have another just like the couple earlier. I. I think we gotta divvy it up. One small joke book for you and one big one for the nine month veteran who was in the moment. Maybe it was nerves, but you guys come back, try it again. Keep signing up. There you go. You want one of those? Absolutely. There you go. Okay. There you just go. Go get back to your fucking seat. Jesus Christ. The fucking biggest St. Loompa I've ever seen in my life. This guy's the mayor of the Lollipop Pop Guild over here. He's Got mayor of wizard of Oz. That's that. That's what I recognize that face from. Oh, Jesus Christ. That was frightening. He just did an impression of him. Okay, another bucket bowl. You guys still having fun out there? All right, make some noise. Fear. What could be your final bucket pool of the night. Chase Moat. Everybody, everybody, Chase Moat. Baby, I got your money, don't you worry.

[J]

So I used to be youth pastor. Yeah.

[N]

Shut up.

[J]

All right, now, youth pastor goes by many names. Youth pastor, youth director, pedophile. Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. Jokes, jokes, jokes. But the answer is yes. I told a little girl her gay friend was going to hell.

[G]

Yeah.

[C]

She cried, her mom yelled at me.

[J]

I was like, jesus Christ, lady. I just work here. It's just policy. Don't crucify me. No, I lost that job because I got arrested for smoking weed. Apparently the churches state agree on some things. Gay people going to hell, weed legalities. It's fine. No, I also met my wife at Bible college. Yeah, y' all don't like this because y' all are going to hell. We'll get back to that. But I met my wife at Bible college. You know, classic story. Young, you're religious, you get married so we could have sex. Not our story. We didn't get married so we'd have sex. We got married. Stop feeling bad about it. Yeah, answer. She get on birth control. Pull and pray is a dangerous game when you're losing your face. All right, we'll end there. Thank y'.

[A]

All. Okay, Cameron or no. Chase Moat. Chase Moat.

[G]

Yes, sir.

[J]

Tony Hinchcliffe.

[A]

Hello. How long you been doing stand up

[J]

for a little over three years.

[A]

Oh, God.

[O]

All right.

[A]

Oh, God. Chase.

[J]

Two of it was in the church. I'm just kidding. That's a lie. That's a lie.

[A]

What does that mean? Is that another church joke?

[J]

Yeah, I was trying to save myself. I'll stop. I'll let God do it.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Chase Moat. So, three years. Where have you been doing the three years at?

[J]

Birmingham, Alabama.

[A]

Birmingham, Alabama. Is there a big scene there? Growing.

[J]

It's growing.

[A]

Uh huh. Are you part of the Grove?

[J]

I think they cut me off. No, I moved to Austin. Now I'm here.

[A]

Wow, he has arrived.

[G]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. The band is saying fuck and boo. What made you move here, Chase? Tell us exactly why you moved to Austin, Texas.

[J]

I have a wife and a kid. We're both from Birmingham. We always wanted to do a big move, so we were gonna move somewhere once comedy became in the middle.

[A]

Three years old, you guys always wanted to make a big move.

[J]

Yeah, yeah. And now comedy's in the mix, so I was like, all right, let's make a move with comedy.

[A]

Has she seen you perform?

[J]

Yeah, she has.

[A]

Okay. Has the 3 year old seen you perform?

[J]

Yeah, he was at my first few mics.

[A]

Does he start crying when you're performing because he sees that his father doesn't have a snowflakes chance in hell at this?

[J]

Yeah, we. We put headphones on generally.

[A]

Oh, well, I wish you would do that for the whole audience so that we could listen to a comedy while you're on stage. Can we get 350 pairs of headphones? Actually, Joe's here. Joe, can we get 300 Perfect Shouts outs to Spotify for 350 pairs of headphones? Okay, so Chase, what's the best it's ever gone and what were the. What were the jokes that you did that night?

[J]

Oh, it's gone really good. I mean, usually more God fearing people in Alabama, but I can see how

[A]

you could be used to that. How soon. How recently did you move to Austin? Like two weeks. Oh, well, there you go. That's why it's very church based. You're used to a lot of people going, ha ha, that's crazy because we would never do that in church.

[J]

Yeah, yeah, man.

[A]

We would never do that around here, right? Not with our Lord. Lord here in Birmingham because we need the Lord here. We need to make believe. We need to. When you hear that music. All right, lead us in prayer. Is that you or D's?

[J]

I feel a revival happening. Thank you.

[A]

How would you play Church music? Ds? Oh. Oh, Lord Jesus.

[O]

Yeah.

[A]

Today we gather.

[J]

Amen.

[A]

Amen. For our. For the retirement of one of our loved ones. Come on, Tony. A member of the congregation that chased his dreams.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

And tonight we encourage his retirement. The bomber of Birmingham, The old Alabama silencer. My God got the three year old. It's a shame abortion's illegal in Alabama, huh? Okie dokie. I guess I'm bombing now. I'm bombing now. All right, Chase, here's a little joke book. We're going to keep it moving along. Sign up again. Right. Material for human beings. The churchgoers aren't going to follow you. There he goes. Chase mode. Yeah, it's what makes the show fun. When you see people do good, it's hard. And so you need to see people to do bad to know it's real. And we've had a couple of those tonight. Just flatliners. Let's see what happens here. Final Bucket pool of the night, I'm calling it. This is Cameron May. Cameron Mai or Cameron May.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

I'm.

[D]

I'm a very introverted person. I've been trying to put myself out there more, go to parties with people my age, but. But I kind of realized I don't like partying with people my age. They all have pink hair and labels and I don't. I don't fit in. I have to be, like, the only guy in his early 20s that just doesn't really seem to care about labels. Like, I was at this party and this girl came up to me. She was like, oh, my gosh. You know, I really like your hair. You seem like taking nice care of your skin. Are you a metrosexual? And full frontal honesty. I had no idea what that was. I thought people were fucking trains. But it turns out for those of you that don't know a metrosexual, it's a straight man that's very much in, like, skin care and lotion and all that other gay shit. And to me. To me, that word's just kind of a crazy testament to how disgusting men are. You know? Like, they found a guy that uses shampoo and conditioner and they were like, hold on. What the fuck are you?

[A]

Fuck yeah. You have more? You want to do more?

[D]

It's like, hold on. What the fuck are you.

[A]

We're back.

[D]

Are you sure you like pussy, dude? How do you feel about trains?

[A]

There you go. All right, Cameron, Welcome.

[D]

Hello.

[A]

How old are you?

[D]

I am 21.

[A]

21. Wow. Yeah. You look young. You look like you have your own separate live stream of what's happening right now. Like a crew of, like, punks following you around. I see people like you in these videos. All right, very good. What. What video? What's the show like on Twitter where you see, like, these. These? Yes, pornhub. Yeah, yeah, these Tiktokers. You a Tiktoker?

[D]

No, I hate the app.

[A]

Okay, so what do you do? You're 21. Are you chasing Pokemon? What are we talking about?

[D]

I'm mostly doing this, to be honest with you.

[A]

How long you been doing this for?

[D]

Almost three years.

[A]

Amazing. One of the funniest people tonight, I do believe. I mean, I don't know, you seem natural up there. Three years of experience at 21, that's a lot. You. Your parents support you?

[D]

Well, my mom's like a co sign on my lease, but other than that, not really. I.

[A]

I was talking about as a comedian. They support your choice to do comedy, but I'M going to. I'm going to circle back now that you answered it that way. Your mom and dad believe in you or are they like, why are you doing that, Cameron?

[D]

They're happy I'm doing something I enjoy.

[A]

Okay, good. I love it. I love it. What do they do?

[D]

Well, my mom is, like, a product manager at, like, mobile game companies. She worked a lot on, like, farmville and my dad.

[A]

Wait, what? Your mom made farmville?

[L]

That's cool.

[A]

Damn. That's absolutely incredible.

[K]

That's cool.

[A]

Yeah. You love farmville?

[L]

No.

[A]

Yeah, he's on it. He's one of the pigs. Unbelievable. Come on. The star of farmville. So, wow, your mom made farmville incredible. What does your dad do?

[D]

Well, my dad, when I was a kid, he ran, like, AV for an independent wrestling promotion, and he sort of transitioned that in, like, bigger events and, like, bigger. Like, he would do for the warriors parade and stuff like that.

[J]

That's also.

[A]

Parade?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What Warriors?

[D]

The Golden State Warriors.

[A]

Okay, so you're from Northern California?

[D]

Yeah, I'm from the Bay Area.

[A]

Okay. What part of the Bay Area?

[D]

I'm from, like, Hayward, Castro valley area. Like, 15, 20 minutes outside of Oakland.

[A]

So they're very successful. Right? Your parents are rich. No, no, no. How many bedrooms was the house that you grew up in?

[D]

Depends on how old I was.

[A]

Michael Gonzalez guessed 15, by the way. That's what he has you pegged for.

[D]

Two or three. Mostly when I got a sister, it became three.

[A]

Okay. I love that you said. You said the two things that metrosexuals are into are skincare and lotion. I love that you separated those two things.

[D]

Well, like you put cocoa butter on your face.

[A]

Face. What do I put cocoa butter on my face? I don't think that's. Nobody really does that. That will clog your pores. You got to get a better. Better lotion.

[C]

So there's a difference.

[A]

Our senior clogged, poor correspondent over here. No, That'll clog your pores.

[F]

Give me sugar.

[H]

What's.

[A]

What's the difference? We. Sugar water.

[D]

They literally just described it. That's what I was going to say.

[A]

Shut the up, you little wedgie. Yeah. Yeah. I need a locker. Can we get a locker up here for me to shove this kid into? You ever get bullied?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Really?

[J]

Yeah.

[A]

How would they bully you? What would they say about you, bro?

[D]

I was the skinny white kid.

[A]

You're telling me. I mean, I'm still. That. I'm 40, bro. Yeah. Imagine. Imagine 20 more years, years of this torture that you Live with. Imagine being the fat one. Like, that's even worse. Like, what the. Yeah.

[L]

Oh, I'm skinny. Oh, no.

[A]

I could eat whatever I want. Oh, red band. I follow your Instagram stories. You can eat whatever you want too. There's just results to your choices. I don't eat what I want. Want. Cuz I see you eat what you want and I see what happens and I go, thank God I don't do that. I also Instagram Caesar salads. Like, why would I do that? Even if you did Instagram your Caesar salads, but if you did, that would just mean that you're Instagramming more food than what you're already Instagramming, which is a lot. It's addicting. Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Anyway, he's been hard ever since we talked about Taco Bell earlier. So. You have a girlfriend?

[D]

No.

[A]

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. How. How'd that go? How long were you with her?

[D]

The Last one, about, whoa, 20. The last one was about a month.

[A]

Okay. How did it start? Where'd you meet her? Her?

[D]

Well, I met her about three years ago.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

At this coffee shop with some other friends. And then, like, it just. I always thought she was pretty, but then we sort of, like, developed a friendship and stuff.

[A]

And then you ate her?

[D]

Yeah, that's pretty much where it went. Yeah.

[A]

That first time it happened, what was your big move? How did you know that it was time to leave the friends zone and enter the end zone?

[D]

Watching Netflix and.

[A]

Oh, of course.

[D]

Well, but we were sitting in separate chairs, right. And I like.

[A]

You showed her your dick. And then what happened? You're sitting in separate chairs.

[D]

And then I think I, like, posted on her chair to grab, like, my water off my desk.

[B]

Desk.

[D]

And she sort of like, leaned into it and I was like, oh. It was like, kind of a nice surprise.

[A]

All right. I love it. Any other special skills or talents that you have?

[D]

Quite frankly? No.

[A]

Perfect.

[D]

That's all I got.

[A]

Cameron, very fun times. Here's a big joke, but congratulations. Three years in the game, 21 years old. Cameron, my or may my M A I. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we've come to that time. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. It is with the reigning defending hall of Famer. Most sets, most interviews, all time. The man who does it more and better than anybody. This is indeed the Lynchburg Lemonade. The Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. The Vanilla Gorilla. Lights out William Montgomery.

[C]

I saw a Jesus 2024 campaign sign on My way here and was thinking how sick it would be if Jesus descended from heaven as a third party candidate. And then this time the liberals would be like, we need to see the birth certificate. A Massachusetts man revealed that he was serving barbecued human flesh at his neighborhood get togethers. And I just want to know what were his wine pairings. The country of Wales is going to start jailing politicians who lie. So in other words, Wales is shutting down its government. And speaking of the government, there's a presidential debate coming up this week on cnn and I actually heard from somebody. The loser has to fuck Hillary Clinton. Okay, that's my time.

[A]

Fuck yeah. The dragon Slayer.

[C]

And also, I want to say go Tennessee. Just beat Texas A and M for the College World Series. So go Vols.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

My alma mater, Texas A and M, they're probably crazy ass.

[A]

Oh, my God. A weird maneuver.

[C]

I just had to say it. I was just watching in the green. College baseball.

[A]

You're talking about college baseball?

[C]

World Series, baby. Omaha, Nebraska.

[A]

Wow. Literally. I mean, that's just unbelievable to do. You think they would do that for you after their set?

[B]

Who?

[C]

The Vols?

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. You think they'd be like, before we get started, shout out William Montgomery.

[C]

I didn't think about it a. I made a bad.

[A]

No, I feel bad. Don't do that.

[C]

That was okay tonight.

[A]

It was great. It was great. That's why I'm wondering why you would isolate everybody in the room.

[C]

Well, it's the first time in school history. It's the first time in Tennessee history, so I had to say it's a big deal.

[A]

Oh, it's not. It is not. The set was fantastic, though. I feel like it all came from an honest place. Thank you.

[C]

Yes. It's been. It's been hard, Tony. I've been very tired because I've been getting the hell back to Austin on Sundays. I was in Columbus, Ohio, this past weekend. It was wonderful.

[G]

And then.

[C]

Yeah, it's getting harder and harder to do these minutes, but we're trying, Tony.

[A]

I'm trying.

[C]

We're going to do it. So we'll see.

[A]

You're doing fucking fantastic.

[C]

We'll see. I'm trying. I mean, tonight it was pretty good, but then I bombed talking about the Vols and it's like I'm turning into that guy with the jacket. What about that guy? That guy was a nightmare. That guy really, really was a horrible nightmare.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, it really was.

[C]

I'm sorry for bringing up the Vols. I shouldn't have done it. But go Vols. And if you are a Tennessee baseball player, hit up my DMs.

[H]

So.

[C]

Oh yeah, send me your baseball glove. I need a baseball glove. That's honestly why I did it, Tony. I need a new baseball glove.

[A]

You're just looking for a baseball glove?

[J]

Yeah.

[C]

I actually shouted out American Airlines and United last. Last week when I couldn't make it to Hartford and United responded to me and gave me extra miles and refunded me. So now I'm totally anti American Airlines. Pro United Airlines, wow.

[A]

Who would have guessed little boy from Tennessee would be anti American? Wow. Absolutely incredible. Tell us more about Columbus, Ohio this past weekend. That is where Red Band was born and raised. Did you run into anybody there?

[C]

Well, I know that very well. And his mom actually still lives there because I actually visited his mom this past weekend in Columbus, Ohio. That was literally.

[A]

Tony.

[C]

That was my fucking best part of the weekend. Oh, man, talk about Netflix and chill like that last guy. That's what Red Band and my fucking. It was good.

[A]

Tell us about your time with Red Band's mother.

[C]

Yeah, and I'm a little scared. Tell us because I'm actually finally catching feelings. I swear to God, I've never. I swear I feel like I'm catching feelings right now for Red Band's mom. So we gotta figure that out. But.

[A]

Oh my goodness. Wow.

[C]

It's funny you're laughing Redband. Because I'm not kidding about any of this, dumbasses. So it's funny you're laughing about it. I had that up against a shower dick.

[A]

It's funny because I talked to her the other day and I was like, what'd you do this weekend? She's like, I was working with special needs and now it makes sense.

[C]

Red, man, she sure looks special needs when she was sucking on my dick, dumbass.

[D]

Holy.

[C]

Drooling all over the place. It was nasty. She looked real sucking my dick in the shower, dude.

[A]

She said she had a light lunch, so that makes sense. What?

[C]

Well, she's also bulimic, so. But yeah, it was a lot of fun though, Tony. It was a lot of fun in Columbus, Ohio.

[A]

It was great. Did you eat good when you were in Columbus?

[C]

DP do gotta give a shout out to DP Doe. Pretty good calzone.

[A]

DP Doe. Are you talking about Red Bands mom's?

[C]

I was kind of kidding with myself. It's more like a tuna fish sandwich because it smelled down there.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

Okay, that's weird. Okay, Abor.

[A]

That's where we draw the line.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That wasn't you can talk about doing things with red band's mom, but I'm saying her smells funny.

[C]

I know. I apologize.

[A]

Ribbon.

[C]

I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have gone that far, right, man, Seriously.

[A]

It's the east of my worries. Oh, my God. You're so sick.

[N]

Stupid.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. All right, William, what else is going on?

[C]

Been listening to a. Don't make fun of me, but I have been listening to that graduation song by vitamin C just pretty much nonstop recently. I don't know why, but I've been listening to.

[A]

Wow. Vitamin C is good for immunity. Red band, I don't know if you know.

[C]

How's that song go as we go on here forever.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

All the time we've had together, you

[A]

listen to this with red ban mob. All right, all right. Okay.

[C]

I don't remember the.

[A]

What else is going on, William?

[C]

Nothing much. Just been hitting the road a ton. Tony, it's been wonderful figuring out out these minutes. It's been a lot of fun. I've been the busiest. I'm 37, so it's what I signed up for, but the busiest I've ever felt in my life. And I do. I wasn't going to bring this up, but the bitch who I'm still doing cameos and the bitch who tipped me $20 and they gave me a four star review. I'm going to find you, you stupid bitch. I know you're. I swear. I have a bunch of five star reviews and somebody today tips me but gives me four stars. So other than that, I'm good. It really bothered me. I was messaging her on the app saying, oh, my God, what of kind can I do? Let me send you more. What's going on? But yeah, it's good. Just real busy, but it's been good.

[E]

Did you raise your price yet?

[C]

I did end up raising it when I started going out a lot just because I was doing. We've talked about. I was doing a shit ton and from the bottom of my heart appreciate it though. It's my major source of it. So I want to genuinely thank everybody. But yes, I did. So it's still good. I'm still getting them.

[J]

But you.

[C]

Yes. I had to do the price up a little because it was.

[B]

It was.

[C]

I was losing my voice. I'm out on the road yelling a lot and then I get back and I can never rest my voice.

[A]

And you get a lot of orders. He's one of the top guys on Cameo. All these celebrities. William's always top five, top two you think you're ever going to William, you think you're ever going to stop doing cameo?

[C]

Tony? I don't think I'm ever going to stop doing.

[A]

We did it again. William Montgomery, everybody. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. It's absolutely incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers has. Oh, a new D Madness up for auction in the lobby after this with a bunch of cool kill Tony Merch. How about one more time for the great and powerful Joe Rogan, everybody. Matt McCusker. He's on tour. Mattmcusker.com and of course, Matt and Shane's secret podcast. Best podcasts out there. These two right here. One more time for Joe and Matt, everybody. So lucky to get to have guests like this around the corner. I love you guys. Thank you so much. Oh, Jesus Christ. Great stuff. Did you say we love you? 8 subscribe on YouTube I've been told that I have to say so subscribe don't just watch.

[L]

Hit the notification bell.

[A]

Yeah. Hit it hard. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. Sam.

[D]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas, is now open.

[A]

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Sam.