#678 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS

Summary

Kill Tony #678 – Whitney Cummings (August 27, 2024)

Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode of Kill Tony, host Tony Hinchcliffe, co-host Brian Redban, and special guest Whitney Cummings take the audience on a wild ride of live standup, candid interviews, and irreverent riffing—all taking place at the Comedy Mothership in Austin. The heart of the show remains unchanged: aspiring comedians each get 60 seconds to perform standup, followed by roast-level feedback, career advice, and personal anecdotes from comedy’s elite. Whitney Cummings, a legendary comic and prior regular guest, injects sharp wit and compassion throughout this especially unhinged night.

Episode Tone: Unfiltered, raucous, supportive, and sometimes brutal, mixing encouragement with savage roast comedy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Austin Comedy Migration (04:29–05:03)

• Tony and Whitney reflect on the wave of comedians moving from LA to Austin, citing the city’s vibrancy versus LA’s decline.
  • Tony: “We go one at a time... There's a lot of people that I could go, I could spend four minutes naming the people that we got to move here, but can't do LA anymore.” (04:31)
  • Whitney: “It's so...there's blood in the street, blood stains on the concrete and you don't know if it's like a homeless person that's attacked a civilian or the man had his period. It's very confusing.” (05:03)

2. Panel Banter, Parenting, Abortion Bits (05:16–06:02)

• The hosts riff on parenthood, baby clothes, and abortion clinics, showing the edge and sharpness the podcast is known for.
  • Whitney: "There's actually an abortion clinic here called Kill Tony's Babies." (05:58)
  • Tony: “We have abortion size kids clothes to wrap the fetus in right here. Ziploc bag comes in a little Kill Tony ashtray.” (05:44)

3. Regulars & The Art of Bombing (07:31–15:15)

Ari Maddie Segment

• Ari Maddie opens with edgy material about trans people in the military, then discusses the harsh realities of bombing sets and the process of developing jokes.
  • Ari: "Let them die if they want to…kind of makes sense why as a military force, you don't want trans people…" (07:42)
  • Whitney: “If you bomb with ‘kill trans people’ in Texas, it is your fault.” (11:11)
• They dissect how different rooms/audiences impact comedy, and how even successful comics face brutal sets.
• Personal Development: Ari shares his journey from opening for big names to possibly breaking out as an arena act.
  • Tony: "It only works if you have the talent. It only works if you’ve done the work. You’re on your way to being a goddamn your own arena act." (14:13)

4. Notable Bucket Pulls & Post-Set Roasts (16:20–90:00)

Mr. Heath (16:20–21:32)

• Door guy at Dead Rabbit (a new Irish bar). Story about supporting a quadruple amputee veteran.
  • Tony: "He’s got no arms, no legs. You got no jokes." (21:23)
  • Whitney: "Does he work at Stubbs Barbecue?" (20:29)

Justine Frazzini (22:09–34:22)

• Anti-feminist, bombs hard, leading to merciless but instructional feedback.
  • Tony: “You bombed so hard that literally nobody was even laughing at how bad you were doing.” (24:04)
  • Admits to being new, gets advice from panel about writing and repeating material.
  • Whitney: “She bombed so hard, they're gonna draft her into the military and they don't even want women.” (25:19)

Kent Hunter (34:42–44:51)

• Trademark “shaky legs,” self-deprecating humor, awkwardness around women, and live onstage first kiss.
  • Tony: “Are you a virgin?” (39:41); Kent: “I still am, yes, sir.” (39:42)
  • Whitney: “Can someone fuck this guy before he shoots up a school? Unless it's that woman's school.” (39:52)
  • A woman from the crowd, Miranda, kisses Kent. They arrange a future date.

Luke Stam (46:38–55:06)

• Colorado transplant who lived in a car, animal-hoarding roommates, survival on a budget, cocaine stories, and mustache humor.
  • Tony: "What do you eat? What's your trick?" (52:52)
  • Luke: “You get three pounds of beef from HEB…feeds you for a week.” (53:03)
  • Notable: “I’m an Eagle Scout.” (53:55); turns into a riff on scouting, sexuality, and porn preferences.

Cam Patterson (Regular Set) (56:25–63:27)

• Presidential politics, voting as a Black man, sexual attraction to Kamala Harris, and being pro-gay.
  • Cam: “I fuck Indians too, nigga. I don't give a damn. This dick not racist. This dick love all people.” (59:11–59:14)
  • Whitney invites Cam to open for her at Austin City Limits: “Your energy is amazing.” (63:18)

Drew Nickens (“Bomb Squad” Set) (67:03–74:39)

• Material on black church, gambling on women’s boxing, and bets gone wrong.
  • Tony: “A lot of people, you know, you're kind of a controversial regular… people are going to watch you grow on this show.” (70:24)

Bill Carroll (75:33–84:43)

• “Is it gay to suck a dick if there’s a gun to your head?”—deadpan material and tales of growing into “the ordinary boring white guy with an Asian girlfriend.”
  • Bill: “She’s Filipino and that was… people seemed…” (77:17–77:44)

Cole Castle (85:11–95:13)

• Relationship with a TikTok influencer, fear of being ‘canceled,’ dirty jokes, and an awkward date story about racism.
  • Cole: “Probably fuck or, like, rape or something…And then she goes…My favorite is… and then Just says the N-word.” (89:08–89:42)
  • Tony: “I love black people more than even. Deep. Shut your gay ass up.” (91:22)

Mike Cohen (95:51–106:15)

• Texting mishaps, BBC porn, midlife career change, weight loss, life with 70 chickens, and “risk free nutting” after his wife’s hysterectomy.
  • Mike: “More so now than ever because she's had a hysterectomy, so it's…Oh, hell yeah, it is risk free nutting.” (105:28)

5. Heartfelt & Hilarious Hall-of-Fame Finale (107:25–119:45)

William Montgomery’s Set

• Olympic boycott jokes, musical chairs with steroids, parenting, and bodily function humor.
  • William: “If musical chairs was an Olympic competition, I'd still do steroids…and by the way, anybody talking shit about steroids hasn't felt the rush of feeling your ball shrink in real time.” (108:13)
• Surprise: William’s parents, Larry and Francis, join onstage. Family tales include injury, wild stories of pranking police, and reflecting on raising a comedy legend.
  • Larry: “I heard my son talking about doo doo. Which he does a lot.” (114:05)
  • William recounts: “I was railing lines of Xanax, I was drinking so much Evan Williams whiskey and I wasn't allowed to spend the night out… I’d have to rip lines … and drive back.” (118:41)
  • Francis: “He is in this underground cave in middle Tennessee. And I said, he is a freaking comedian.” (121:21)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Whitney Cummings (on trans jokes): “If you bomb with kill trans people in Texas, it is your fault.” (11:11)
• Tony Hinchcliffe (about bombing): “You bombed so hard that literally nobody was even laughing at how bad you were doing…it was just really, really sad.” (24:04)
• Whitney Cummings (re: awkward dates): “Can someone fuck this guy before he shoots up a school? Unless it's that woman's school.” (39:52)
• Cam Patterson: “This dick not racist. This dick love all people.” (59:14)
• Kent Hunter (on his awkwardness): “I still am, yes, sir.” (39:42)
• William Montgomery (to Tony): “Don’t come at me with stupid like that. You're gonna come at me.” (109:33)
• Larry Montgomery (William’s Dad): “I was walking down the aisle and I heard my son talking about doo doo.” (114:05)
• Mike Cohen (on post-hysterectomy life): “More so now than ever because she's had a hysterectomy, so it's risk free nutting.” (105:28)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------|---------------| | Austin Migration / LA Decline | 04:29–05:10 | | Panel Banter & Abortion Jokes | 05:16–06:02 | | Ari Maddie Set & Interview | 07:31–14:22 | | Mr. Heath Set | 16:20–21:32 | | Justine Frazzini Bombs | 22:09–34:22 | | Kent Hunter Set + Live Date | 34:42–44:51 | | Luke Stam Homeless, Survival Stories | 46:38–55:06 | | Cam Patterson (Regular) | 56:25–63:27 | | Drew Nickens “Bomb Squad” Set | 67:03–74:39 | | Bill Carroll Evolves “Ordinary White Guy” | 75:33–84:43 | | Cole Castle’s Influencer Drama | 85:11–95:13 | | Mike Cohen’s Risk-Free Nutting | 95:51–106:15 | | William Montgomery (with parents) | 107:25–119:45 |

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Podcast Mechanics & Tone

• Host Style: Tony switches from roastmaster to supportive mentor, surgical with both praise and critique.
• Whitney Cummings: Sharp, rapid fire, toggles between mother-figure and assassin.
• Brian Redban: Classic red-band soundboard and sidekick interjections; celebrates 50th birthday with on-air ribbing.
• Crowd/Audience: Engaged, at times unruly (notably a heckling teacher gets destroyed).
• Recurring Themes: Bombing as rite of passage, trauma as comedy source, the realities of the grind.

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Final Thoughts

This episode exemplifies why Kill Tony is at the top of live podcasting: a relentless parade of real aspiring comics, seasoned joke writers, and celebrity riffers, all within an unapologetically brutal—yet supportive—environment. Comedians are roasted, coached, celebrated, and occasionally traumatized as the quest for greatness unfolds onstage. Whitney Cummings’ presence amplifies both the encouragement and the savagery, while William Montgomery’s family appearance brings rare warmth and authenticity to the mayhem.

For fans of standup and comedy process, this is a not-to-miss episode.

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For individual bits and feedback from Tony, Whitney, and guests, see detailed timestamps above.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready to start the best episode of Kill Tony of all time? Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Shane Gillis, Joe Rogan, Andrew Schultz, David Hell, Jeffrey Ross. Watching the boat bitch. Joey Diaz. I want to see you do coke and open those eyes up. I o u blow job. I don't care. I'm going to do it. We got pizza. It's delicious. Is it possible to eat it with our butt? What are you going to do now? Kill Tony live from Madison Square Garden is now available. Watch it now before it gets edited down. Go to killtonylive.com. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliffe. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives. Make a blitz for Brian Redband. Ladies and gentlemen, we are here. This is Kill Tony live from the comedy mothership, brought to you by HelloFresh and Squarespace. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez. On the drums, Carlos Sosa, Esteban Viejo, Nachos Belgrande, Gordita Quesadilla. Fernando Castillo, Raul Viejo, Fucking D Madness. On the bass guitar, John D's on the keys, Matt Muling on the electric. How exciting. How many of you traveled from a faraway land to be here tonight? How many of you live here in Austin, Texas? Wow. Overwhelmingly an Austin crowd tonight. We have an amazing show for you. Here's a little bit more from the sponsors that made it all possible.

[Red Band]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Ladies and gentlemen, joining us here tonight, one of my favorite comedians in the world, a true Comedy Store fucking legend. We started together. She's a monster. You know her from all of her hits, specials. Literally one of the best comedians in the World makes some noise for the great and powerful Whitney Cummings. Yeah. Whitney. Hello. She's back. We are going to have fun tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, Whitney is back.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's back.

[Whitney Cummings]

We're trying houses in Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was just going to say we're trying to get her here. It would be a huge move. We go one at a time, one at a time. Ron got Joe, Joe got me. We went all, all in on Duncan Segura, Christina P. Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker. It's a dream team. Goes on and on. There's a lot of people that I could go, I could spend four minutes naming the people that we got to move here, but can't do LA anymore.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, can't do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's ridiculous.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's not only. It's literally like, it's so. There's like blood in the street, there's blood stains on the concrete and you don't know if it's like a homeless person that's attacked a civilian or the man had his period. It's very confusing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there's migrants everywhere. Believe it or not, people, I welcome migrants to this country with open arms. And by open arms, I mean like this.

[Whitney Cummings]

Hey, I welcome migrants. I need someone to raise my kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, absolutely. You do have a newborn. We're sending some Kill Tony baby clothes. I just ruined a surprise. But I want the people at home to know that I'm a good person. Oh, thank you.

[Whitney Cummings]

I love that you think I kept him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have abortion size kids clothes to wrap the fetus in right here. Ziploc bag comes in a little Kill Tony ashtray and you put the fetus in the ashtray and you put your ciggies out.

[Whitney Cummings]

There's actually an abortion clinic here called Kill Tony's Babies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. It is fully operational. They have a lot of blood on their hands. Whitney, you've done the show numerous times. From the belly room to the main room to Vulcan to the mothership, all around the home fields. You know how it works. 256 people signed up tonight for the opportunity, the hope to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. They're all loaded up across the street at a big crazy, dirty bar called Poor Choices. And I pull a name out we go and we wrangle the person that looks like a fun Name, it's mister. It starts with mister. That's always a very good sign of insanity. So that'll be fun. And while they go wrangle that person, we're going to get started with one of our elite regulars on this show. You are here on a special night because this man is taking the world by by storm. Not only did he just complete doing sold out theaters with me in Florida, he also just opened up the shows this weekend, the theater shows in San Antonio for Joe Rogan's new Netflix special, Burn the Boats, streaming on Netflix right now. This guy is undisputed, undeniable. We absolutely love him. Make some noise for the Estonian assassin. Ari.

[Drew Nickens]

Maddie.

[Ari Maddie]

Yo, yo. I was on Reddit the other day like a loser and I read that the American military doesn't accept trans people into their ranks, just like you. I was upset. Let them die if they want to let that bitch. Let him. Let they die. But then I thought about it and it kind of makes sense why as a military force, you don't want trans people on your ranks. Because let's be honest, they have a history of switching sides. I don't want to see you walking around Kabul market trying on turbans like, oh my God, this is so me. I don't want no progressives on my battlefield. I want a closeted, God loving retard out there following orders. Ari.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matty has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. A Brand new minute, 20 seconds. Doing more work than he even has to. Flexing on us. His take on trans in the military.

[Ari Maddie]

I just bombed with that joke so hard. In the other room, just silence.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, I love that. It takes balls to fucking. That's. You know, a lot of people don't know that about doing comedy is a lot of it. You know, Sometimes you're coming right off of another set. Maybe the crowd's bad. Maybe you didn't do it the right way. Let's just talk about, what do you think happened in the other room?

[Ari Maddie]

I didn't. I forgot to watch the previous comedian, so I didn't know that. I thought, oh, I'm having fun in the green room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're all riffing.

[Ari Maddie]

Tony Hinchcliffe, we're all having a great time. I didn't know the. Under the other room there's a fucking funeral happening, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Ari Maddie]

So I went with that. I went with this energy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yo, yo, yo. Right?

[Ari Maddie]

Kill trans people, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, kill them, kill them, kill them, you know? Right.

[Ari Maddie]

Of course I'm gonna eat. Dude, watch the comedian before you. You, yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah. If you bomb with kill trans people in Texas, it is your fault.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very true. So true. It's such an interesting thing that you bring up though, because we never get to talk about, you know, working it out. Different rooms, different audiences. Obviously this is a fresh crowd, not jaded yet. That crowd has been watching an open mic for an hour and 40 minutes. And a lot of the regulars here try to squeeze onto that show to get a set in before performing here. And it's all just a short walk. It's, you know, tunnel away.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, it's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So that. That's a little fun fact that we never get.

[Ari Maddie]

But I love that process of like writing jokes, you know, it's hard to just after like 12 years of doing comedy, to do minutes, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Like, especially my style. It's like I just super slow and shit, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Ari Maddie]

I just have to write new stuff, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you do it very, very well.

[Ari Maddie]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And everything breaks down to a minute, you know. So what else is going on in the world, Ari? We in San Antonio this weekend.

[Ari Maddie]

It's pretty crazy, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah. You gave me an amazing intro and yeah, it was cool. Like seven people out of 2000 knew me, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's true.

[Drew Nickens]

What a weird open.

[Ari Maddie]

What a bold choice by Joe Rogan, by the way, to have this guy open. Just a up accent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Hello. Yeah, it's fun.

[Mr. Heath]

Hello.

[Drew Nickens]

Netflix.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, it was you, then Ron White, then me, then Joe. Rock solid lineup. You always get the crowd. Crowd popping. Great.

[Ari Maddie]

This is crazy, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ari Maddie]

And now we have New York this weekend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. New York's gonna be fun. You excited about what? Do you have planned to anything fun to do in New York this week?

[Ari Maddie]

Well, I'm flying in with a jet.

[Luke Stam]

Oh.

[Whitney Cummings]

You play your cards right, you'll be on Epstein Island.

[Ari Maddie]

I'll the kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. Let's go.

[Drew Nickens]

And keep.

[Ari Maddie]

And keep my mouth shut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. You're getting to a part of success where you're only going to be able to get erect if someone's pissing on you.

[Drew Nickens]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shit gets weird when you make it. Oh, yes. Oh, okay. You guys are going to get. Okay, I'll shut up then. I won't give you insider secrets.

[Ari Maddie]

Well, I'm a toilet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Absolutely.

[Ari Maddie]

Every liquid you make, Whitney, I want in my mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And there's only one flush. There's only one flush on that toilet. And it is right down the gullet. That's right. And it comes out of a Second hole. That's the interesting thing, is that if you take in someone else's urine, you pee that out. Isn't that interesting? Thank you, Redband. They wouldn't have gotten the joke if you wouldn't have done that. So, Ari, what else is going on? Everything's good?

[Ari Maddie]

Yeah, it's good. I love how Mr. Rogan was like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

oh, you still call him mister? That's great. Make sure you do that.

[Cam Patterson]

Respect.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make sure you do that on the show on Thursday. Every time you say something, Mr. Rogan,

[Ari Maddie]

I must say, Mr. Rogan, he was

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like, Mr. Rogan, bring me a treat. Make me famous. Oh, you were done. Okay, thank you, Michael. All right, way to read the room there. Michael Gonzalez. Bleached his hair, everybody. Michael, show everybody your new haircut.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh, wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Whitney Cummings]

Theo Blonde.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There it is. Yeah. Tio Von. Does that work? Mexicans. Is that okay? All right, Ari, watching your rise. It is so fitting. It only works if you have the talent. It only works if you've done the work. And you're a perfect kill Tony specimen. You're on your way to being a goddamn your own arena act. I'm serious.

[Ari Maddie]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know why you're laughing at Mr. Hinchcliffe like that. We love you. Ladies and gentlemen, the show has begun. Ari, Maddie, thank you. Happy birthday, Brian. Happy birthday indeed. The 50th birthday, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. Look at this grumpy sack of shit. Look at him. He's 50. Everybody here. Get off my lawn. Get off my lawn. Oh, you're the postmates guy. Come on up. Oh, come on. This delivery is late. My milkshake's melting. Where's the pina colada milk I ordered? I like flavored milk. He drinks flavored milk because he's 50, but he's literally a giant toddler. Everybody. He made a video on his Instagram last night saying he's disappointed in the pina colada milk he ordered. 50 years old. So this is.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is that what you put in your wife's mouth when you run out of comb?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I'm going to come here. The pina colada milk, ladies and gentlemen. This is where the show takes on a life of its own. This is where we found Ari Maddie out of the bucket. It's where we found Cam, William, David, Lucas, Hans, Kim, fucking everybody. This could be the next great talent in the world. Or it could be a mentally disabled person that bombs horrendously. Could be a smart person that has a bad moment. Could be a Stupid person that's able to get it all together just for a few minutes, Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bucket. Tonight begins with 60 seconds uninterrupted from Mr. Heath. Mr. Heath. Okay.

[Mr. Heath]

Hello to the mothership.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is good to be back and

[Mr. Heath]

have landed here in front of you. If you remember me from last time, I didn't even know I could touch this fucking microphone. That's how new I was at comedy. Great to see you all again. I actually have 60 seconds. You ready? It's better than what I gave my wife the first time. Two children took 30 seconds apiece.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So I'm out there and I'm like,

[Mr. Heath]

holy shit, they called my name. I've been signing up since February now. Kill Tony literally changed my life, right? So I gotta get to this real quick. And I'm not good at suicide because here I am, right? I've been writing for. Since November. I got three. Three subject notebooks full of trying to write jokes, and the only joke I've been able to write about is the joke of my life. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You get it, right?

[Mr. Heath]

I'm a high school dropout, right? I climb trees and I'm a capital. To me, that's easy work. Comedy is hard work.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Wow. All right. A lot of teasing that a joke was coming. You kept saying, I have 60 seconds. Now here, I've only been able to write a one joke. We. We didn't get to hear any of it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is that the West Hollywood bear?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Actually, this is the closest thing I've ever seen to it. You look like the sperm of a biker. This is absolutely incredible. You look like Popeye's nut sack. This is absolutely amazing. I'm just describing it so that you understand D Madness. What's in front of you.

[Whitney Cummings]

You have more hair on your arms than Michelle Obama.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. He looks like if boss baby was unemployed. This is unbelievable. Mr. Heath, you've been on this show before. I remember because you're an unforgettable guy. But is that a new name? I don't remember you going by Mr. Heath. Last time I went by Mr. Heath. Last time you did. Okay, all right. My memory deceives me about you, Matt Muhling, jumping in, also saying he doesn't remember that being your name. Okay, So I know for a fact what you do for work. He works the door at an. Literally, my new favorite bar slash restaurant, slash. I mean, it's just a unbelievable place. Normally, I don't promote things that I like on the show because I don't Want people going there, but I'm gonna say it. It is the dead rabbit here on 6th Street. Just opened up three weeks ago. The best food, the best fucking drink, thinks the best. A true super Irish bar came from New York City. The only other one is here down the block. They built it here because they heard that Rogan's Comedy club was coming here. I mean, it is a multi, multi million dollar infrastructure which really like, just. Just like this shouldn't be on Dirty six. But it's awesome that it is. And it's a little takeover. And you're the welcoming door guy that is at. You're awesome at that job.

[Mr. Heath]

Thank you, Mr. Tony.

[Cole Castle]

Thank you.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you get off in time to be the rainy street killer. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. He called me Mr. Tony. His name's Mr. Heath. Ari says Mr. Rogan. There's a lot of misters tonight.

[Mr. Heath]

Yes, sir. I say that out of respect. I actually watched Coach Carter in the way that he talked to the athletes in that movie. So yeah, that's where I came up with. Just to show everybody respect. We've lost that over the last hundred years. Years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You want to do standup comedy?

[Mr. Heath]

Multiple factors leading on here. Last year on that charity run. I. I was never comedian, never really watched comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How's your buddy doing, by the way? Your. Your buddy. What was it again? He had no idea.

[Mr. Heath]

He's killing it. He's blowing it up, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So remind. Well, he. Sorry, he has blown it up, but what. What was his condition? Remind me.

[Mr. Heath]

He's quadruple amputee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Quadruple amputee?

[Mr. Heath]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. No arms or legs about it.

[Mr. Heath]

No arms or legs about it.

[Whitney Cummings]

Does he work at Stubbs Barbecue?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stubbs Barbecue. Good local reference. Whitney. Whitney doesn't even live here. Doing a Stubbs barbecue. Getting it, knocking it out. He's represented by Stubbs.

[Mr. Heath]

And as we've seen, he still has better stand up than I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. It's amazing that he. He's sponsored by Stubbs because he also has been barbecued at one point. How did he lose his arms and legs again?

[Mr. Heath]

He was blown up by a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. So the 82nd neighborhood.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what's his in charities info again?

[Mr. Heath]

The Travis Mills Foundation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Travis Mills Foundation. So look into that.

[Whitney Cummings]

And you gave the shirt off your back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mr. Heath]

Literally. Yeah, I kept the sweater. Kept the sweater.

[Cam Patterson]

I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's got no arms, no legs. You got no jokes. You guys have it all together, right? Incredible. Mr. Heath, you already have a little joke Book?

[Mr. Heath]

Yes, I do, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there you go. Perfect. We're going to keep it moving along. There goes Mr. Heath, everybody. Nice little quick set and interview from Mr. Heath. We're going to keep flying through it tonight. Mr. Heath's more of something to look at than an actual personality. How about a hand for Heidi, ladies and gentlemen? This is her live in the flesh. The real deal. All right, your next bucket pull. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Justine Frazzini, ladies and gentlemen. Here comes Justine. Here we go.

[Red Band]

Feminism. That was the joke. So I get into a lot of arguments with women about feminism. Because I'm an anti feminist, they assume that I'm a feminist. That's fine. But here's the thing. I'm just trying to figure out what was the problem, because if you ask me, women were staying at home, getting taken care of, not working. But yet somehow that wasn't enough. As you know, women like to argue, we like to complain. So, yeah, we just fought for our right to vote and we got it. Okay, cool. So we're voting now. I don't understand. Why do feminists assume that I'm a feminist? Just because I vote doesn't make sense. So here's my question to all the feminists out there. What about the toilet seat? If you're a feminist and you think that men and women are equal, then shouldn't we be putting the toilet seat up? It's only fair to the men. And second, what if you're on a sinking boat? You really gonna tell me that men and women are still equal? I don't think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, Justine Frazzini. Whitney is clapping harder than the other 300 people in the room right now. Just to keep you guys at home, post posted of what's happening. That was incredible. An incredible amount of silence. I mean, actually, truly shocking even. Mr. Heath had some people laughing at him. Laughing at himself, Laughing at himself. One guy laughed, he's like, at least you get it, right? Mr. Heath at least had one person that he didn't realize was laughing at him. Bombing. You bombed so hard.

[Red Band]

I feel that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That literally nobody was even laughing at how bad you were doing. It was more sad than it was anger inducing or disappointing. It was just really, really sad. I really think that while you talked about how you're an anti feminist, I think feminists are funnier than you. And they're the some of the least funny people in the world. And here you are dissing them while bombing. So this was a win for the feminists. How long have you been doing stand up comedy?

[Red Band]

That was my fourth time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, very good. That's at least refreshing. If you've been doing this for years, going around just destroying the energy in rooms, that would be incredible. I have a feeling that Ari, Matty had to go up right after. After you in the other room tonight.

[Whitney Cummings]

Whitney, I know we're not supposed to have trans women in sports, but can we get them in comedy? Like, is that. I'm totally kidding. This is good. This is good for women. This is not bad for women. She bombed so hard, they're gonna draft her into the military and they don't even want women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes. So let's talk about it. Justine, let's talk about your life a little bit. I feel like we can dig up up some stuff that you should be talking about, because when you're doing anti feminist material, you should be able to get laughs, and you were unable to accomplish that. But again, you're very new. So let's figure it out. Let's break it down. What do you do for work?

[Red Band]

I clean luxury vacation homes. So, like, million dollar homes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I think I might actually have a job for you. Then. I think I might be able to make you a real American citizen. Justine. Changing lives here tonight. So, Justine, what are some of your passions? What are you into in life? You have any hobbies or special skills or talents or anything?

[Red Band]

I am a recreational kickball team captain. I do exercise science, but, yeah, I do quite a lot of stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Shut the fuck up. The entire episode. No, don't. Over here. Stop. Relax. You know, you. You're, like, talking. Yes. Do you hear how you're talking now? God. Stupid. You see how I'm, like, right here? You see how if I don't have a mic, you, like, hear me? Because you're a teacher, you think you can talk during this because you make minimal amount of money and destroy society. Like, why would you. You're not a good person. Teachers aren't even, like, liked anymore.

[Whitney Cummings]

She's in a good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're not respected. They're not liked. Shut the fuck up. I'm the teacher of this classroom, and you're being a bad student. Anyway. I'm dealing with. I'm dealing with so many fucking issues right now.

[Whitney Cummings]

She's in a good mood. She just fucked one of her students.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so you don't say words. No. Late. Okay, guys. Yeah, just. You're gonna have to. If you say anything else, they're going to literally kick you out. We're gonna have to edit this fucking part out. Cause you're such a dumb cunt that you had to keep talking after I told you to not talk. You had to update your table about why you're talking and how silly it is and what I said.

[Whitney Cummings]

Because you're such someone in. Like to have someone in Texas not believe in the First Amendment. Ma'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am. Yeah. Yeah. This is why the Second Amendment exists. So that we can shoot people like that in the fucking head. I don't get it. I'm a teacher. Shut the fuck up. Look. Look at this guy. You see how fucking polite he is? He's ducking down. Yeah, Keep going, you pedophile. Keep going. Keep going. Bunch of freaks. In this audience tonight.

[Whitney Cummings]

Pedophiles know how to tiptoe quietly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Exactly. All right. Okay. Done being mean to the teacher. Let's go back to Justine. So you're a professional kickball captain? Yep. Okay, so that's nothing that can relate to anything. What made you start standup so recently? What made you want to get into this?

[Red Band]

I actually did it a couple years ago and I took a little break. So I've been off stage for two years. I will. I will be honest with you. I. That what I just said was pretty much not my set. I pretty much forgot what I was gonna say when I came out here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you remember it now?

[Red Band]

A little bit more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't you do one of the things that you were gonna do instead of whatever the fuck that was.

[Red Band]

I don't even know what I said. Like, I don't even remember what I said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember every single word. Do you? Oh, it was so bad that it's imprinted in my head forever. I've been PTSD.

[Red Band]

Okay, well, I will say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Use talkspace.com to. Using the promo code kill Tony. Saving $80 off my first month. It's the code space80talkspace.com Tony. I need therapy because of what you said. Okay.

[Whitney Cummings]

If you reading ads is funnier than a woman's stand up, I'm gonna kill myself.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's unbelievable. It is unbelievable. Do you remember anything that you were gonna say? No.

[Red Band]

I will say I've done standup four times. I've never done the same joke or the same set. And my first time I did great. And so I thought I had it in me. Cause everybody thought I was hilarious. I got booked as the Closer the next night. But I haven't done it for two years. And so I've never done any of the material I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me interrupt you. Did you think about after that first Set. Thanks for telling me to go. Did you think after that first set that went so great, did you think maybe you should have done some of the material that went so great?

[Red Band]

I was just naive and I didn't realize that comedians do the same material because they have to perform multiple times. And I thought, oh, I can come up with all this fun stuff every day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you're watching a musical production, do you think that they're improvising everything in the moment?

[Red Band]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Practice that before.

[Red Band]

Yeah. No, you're absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's fine.

[Whitney Cummings]

It's not that. There are like a lot of podcasts these days that talk about how comedy works, so how would you ever know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, exactly.

[Whitney Cummings]

You could listen to like, Rogan breaks things down, like learning. There's a lot of ways, like, you're awesome. Like, I loved watching you, actually. And it's just like doing it more and doing it consistently and listen to podcasts because we fucking drone on about.

[Red Band]

So I watch Kill Tony every week and of course I'm a die hard fan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you retain any of the information?

[Red Band]

I do. I try to, not not knowing. Maybe I don't. But yeah, I like to think I do. And I knew, I did know that I. I might come up here and bomb, but I felt like it would

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

be honored find out information about you. What's your living situation? Where do you live?

[Red Band]

I live in Phoenix, Arizona.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Do you live by yourself?

[Red Band]

I live with my brother. We've been together 10 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You and your brother have been together?

[Red Band]

Roommates, roomies.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Oh, my goodness. You know, talk space, therapy and psychiatry are covered by most insurance plans and employers. Space 80 is the promo code. You may need therapy. Okay. All right. So you live with your brother. I asked you what you do where you clean. Luxury homes in Phoenix. That's exclusively your only job?

[Red Band]

Yeah, so I do. Like, it's like Airbnbs, like million dollar homes, huge houses. So when guests check out, I go and clean it and then another guest checks in. I also am in school. I'm a full time student for exercise science.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're a full time student for what?

[Red Band]

Exercise physiology. Exercise science.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you planning on doing with that?

[Red Band]

Nothing with that. Just getting that for fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. All right, so we have a maid that plays kickball.

[Red Band]

Oh, sure, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maid that plays kickball. Most maids play soccer. But you're white.

[Red Band]

It's true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you play kickball? It is the baseball version of soccer.

[Red Band]

I like to say it's the sport that people play when they can't play sports.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's also. That's a good point. They also have comedy for people that can't do comedy.

[Red Band]

Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, there's gotta be more. Did anything traumatizing ever happen to you in life?

[Red Band]

My house was firebombed by a gang when I was 12.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. By firebomb, do you mean like Molotov cocktails or what does that mean?

[Red Band]

So I lived next door to a gang. They poured gasoline and around my house, my dad was the starter of the Block watch in our neighborhood, so they didn't like that.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I'd like to hear the gang side of the story.

[Red Band]

I would, too. My dad probably pissed them off, but, yeah, they fireball my house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your last name is Frazzini? So your dad's last name's Frazzini? Anthony Frazzini.

[Red Band]

John.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, John Frazzini.

[Red Band]

He actually had a show on Public Access. He was a comedian as well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He was a comedian?

[Red Band]

He was, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Does he know you're doing comedy?

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does he think about this? Did he tell you? Is he supportive?

[Red Band]

He is supportive. Yeah. He's. He made me do a joke for him on my first set, and it was probably a lot better than what I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was that joke?

[Red Band]

Okay. It was. So bands. How do they think of these band names?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Red Band]

We got Panic at the Disco, Imagine Dragons, the Weeknd. One guy gets the whole fucking weekend. I don't get it. That was it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuck.

[Cam Patterson]

God.

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, if your dad really wanted to help your comedy career, he should have just molested you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, that's true.

[Whitney Cummings]

Honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. And I don't think it's too late. That's what I'm prescribing. That's what I'm prescribing. John Frazzini, if you're listening, because your

[Whitney Cummings]

brother doing it obviously isn't helping much, but if your dad did it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. So, Justine, I tried my best with you. We're gonna figure it out eventually. Hopefully. Try harder. There you go. Justine Frazzini, getting a little joke book. We're moving on.

[Mr. Heath]

Woo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not an easy job. It's a thankless, thankless job I do up here. Make some noise for Kent Hunter. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian. Out of the bucket, Kent Hunter. Zero punchlines. Third bucket pull of the night. Let's see if Ken changes the way. Kent Hunter.

[Kent Hunter]

You guys know that all squirrels are flying squirrels if you throw them off a cliff. I recently sexted for the first time. Yeah. I was nervous to know what I was doing. She wanted me to start. And I was like, hey, you're really pretty. It's a great line. Any of you guys feel free to use it. She responded, said, I'd be a lot prettier with your cock in my mouth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was like, whoa.

[Kent Hunter]

I didn't know what to say. I didn't really have the heart to tell her I'm more of a weenie guy myself. And then later on, she was like, I'd like to give you a blowjob if you'd reciprocate. I was like, what does reciprocate mean? I had to Google the word reciprocate in the middle of yeah. And then I did. And I was like, no, I'm not sucking your dick.

[Drew Nickens]

What?

[Kent Hunter]

You have a dick, huh? All right, thank you, everybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ken Hunter, a bucket pool with punchlines.

[Kent Hunter]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Setups, premises, execution. Oh, my God. It's unbelievable. Absolutely incredible.

[Kent Hunter]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kent, welcome back to the show. You've been on before. You famously have shaky legs.

[Kent Hunter]

I do. And they're already going famously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The shaky leg guy, Michael's. How are they feeling tonight? They look pretty solid. Oh, there they go. Oh, no.

[Kent Hunter]

They started backstage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They started backstage. They just have a life of their own. Whitney, how bad do you want to sit on this guy's lap?

[Whitney Cummings]

Let's go, Napoleon Dynamite. Fuck you later.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Look at this big, giant, nervous goofball.

[Kent Hunter]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's funny is the two people before you had zero punchlines, bombed their asses off, and they didn't seem nervous at all. Wow. Isn't it incredible? It almost seems like the more you care, the better you are at this.

[Bill Carroll]

That's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Isn't that something? Isn't that an amazing study of science we're learning here tonight on Kill. Tony. Unbelievable. How's it going, Kent, update us with about your life since the last time you've been on the show. What do you do for work again?

[Kent Hunter]

I work at heb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Heb that's right. How could I forget? Okay, what's going on in life? Everybody loves H E B. It's an absolute cornerstone of the Texas community. One of the things to be proud of and represent. It excels at being one of the best grocery stores in the world, specializing in their specific products being better than the mainstream products that the rest of America is being force fed.

[Kent Hunter]

Do you want my job?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Kent Hunter]

Do you want my job? You're way better than I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, not at all. I'm just better at understanding why people would be proud of that. It's a Staple here in Texas, the greatest state in the United States of America. Okay, so what were you saying?

[Kent Hunter]

I recently turned 21. I'm finally a real adult now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Cole Castle]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's incredible. You look like you fought in Vietnam. That's amazing. 21 years old. Yep. Amazing. How's 21 treating you?

[Kent Hunter]

It's been very good. I've been having a lot more fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tell us about it.

[Kent Hunter]

I just been able to go out to bars. I'm able to get into more clubs now. A lot of places that wouldn't let me in. Underage now, Right? Doing a lot more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You in now? You're. It's allowed. You're allowed to go in?

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what are you doing in there?

[Kent Hunter]

Drinking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you drinking? What are you doing? What?

[Kent Hunter]

I like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wild Night in the life of Kent Hunter.

[Kent Hunter]

I enjoy Rumpel mints.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Real dirt ball.

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, well, well. Dirt balls. Like that. What? So, Rumpelman. So, like, what's the. What's the most amount of. Of shots of rumblements you've done in a night, Rumple boy?

[Kent Hunter]

Not many. About three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

About three. What happens on a night like that? You go out there, your legs are shaking, people are like, this guy's trashed.

[Kent Hunter]

I mean, nothing really. I just drink, have fun with my friends, and go home now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We once sent him out on a date and you got a little awkward, a little nervous. You told her, nothing's going to happen. We're not doing anything. Let's just enjoy the meal. I paid for the meal. It was at a great restaurant.

[Kent Hunter]

Thank you for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Took care of it. Yeah. Yeah. It was just food. But you were supposed to, like, enjoy the date and enjoy the company, and maybe something was going to happen. And instead, the second she sat down, you set ground rules. You said, nothing's going to happen. We're going to. This is true. Am I right? Am I lying?

[Kent Hunter]

It was before we sat down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Well, amazing. Amazing. Yeah. So what's the deal with that? Are you a virgin?

[Kent Hunter]

I still am, yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Absolutely. Listen to the ladies out there. There's some Latina ladies that want to fucking pop your empanada. You know what I'm saying?

[Whitney Cummings]

Can someone fuck this guy before he shoots up a school? Unless it's that woman's school.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? The dark queen, Whitney Cummings, first of her name, future Austin resident Kent Hunter. Absolutely incredible. So have you been going on dates at all, or are you just not interested?

[Kent Hunter]

I've been trying to. I just. I'm very awkward. I'm not good with Women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kent Hunter]

So, yeah, I mean, I've matched with a few people on Hinge. I've tried, and it's just not really working out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you kissed a girl in Austin? You have?

[Cam Patterson]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? How'd that go? Did you like it?

[Kent Hunter]

Yeah, it was on the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it was good. That makes sense. Have you ever kissed a girl? Not on this show. In Austin?

[Kent Hunter]

Not in Austin, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But you enjoy kissing girls on the pony?

[Drew Nickens]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there a girl out there that this guy gets. He only gets to kiss. Kiss girls on Kill Tony. It's only happened once before. Is there a. Is there a hero out there in the crowd? We have the best audiences in the world here on Kill Tony. Is there somebody. Come on up. Come on up. It's got to be your idea. We need your consent. Is there someone out there? Is there a hero amongst us? Is there someone coming? Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Here we go. There is here. Oh, she's a tiny little thing. Oh, my goodness. Wow. Keep coming. Nope. Nope. There you go. Yep. Wow. Congratulations, Kent. You're about to make out with a human stool. Wow. Wow. What. What is your name?

[Miranda]

Miranda.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Miranda. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Miranda. That is Kent Hunter.

[Whitney Cummings]

Do you need this chair to stand on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, don't do that. Don't do that, don't do that. We don't want you getting hurt. No, no, no, no, no. There's only a lawsuit can affect us. It's the only thing that can damage us in any way. 4 foot 10. Hasn't gotten you far until now. Kentucky. Why don't you? Somehow she's gonna make a man out of you. This little troll we found, ladies and gentlemen. Kent, you gotta lean down. Wow. That was a sweet little kiss. Make some noise, Miranda. Here's a joke book. Take that with you. Good job. Oh, you like that one? Doing the slow clap over here. I don't know if you guys saw that. Did a little low slow clap. You seem excited. Your legs aren't shaking anymore. You're right where you need to be in this world. How did that feel, Kent?

[Kent Hunter]

It was good,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you know, I mean, I try and I try with you,

[Kent Hunter]

and we all call you the gay one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That is true. Is it religious? We need to get you laid. We need you to be less of a Kent hunter and more of a cunt hunter. You know what I'm saying? Did Miranda already go? Did she already leave? Miranda, you want to go on a date with this guy? What? Huh? Will you go on a date with Miranda?

[Kent Hunter]

I will yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you going to waste our time and tell her that nothing's going to happen beforehand? You going to give her a chance? Sure.

[Miranda]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why? This guy's going to be a virgin for eternity. Is it a religious thing? What is the.

[Kent Hunter]

It might be. I grew up religious.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. She said for those of you that couldn't hear, which is everybody listening to the show, she said, don't worry, don't worry, I've got it. Meaning she's gonna rape you. Are you down for that? You need to get one out of your. Your system, Kent. I don't know if anybody's telling you or told you you need to fuck, Kent.

[Kent Hunter]

I know. I'm working on it. I'm trying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't need to work. You don't need to try. You need to go out with Miranda, do a few shots of fucking gay ass rumplements and then let Miranda take over. Do you understand? Okay. Make sure you wear a condom because she looks like she's fucking made of patchouli. Your bed's gonna smell like a fucking head shot for a week. But. But it's gonna be fine afterwards. All right? All right. You gonna let her fuck you?

[Kent Hunter]

Sure, why not?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just lay there. Why not? You lay there. Miranda's gonna rape you. You're giving consent. Miranda has placed an order and just let it happen. You can't fail. You need to get one out of your system so that it'll loosen you up. Your legs will. Will stop shaking. You'll just be a different guy. You need to pop it. Got it. Say it. I'm going to pop it. Say no. You got to say the whole thing.

[Kent Hunter]

I'm going to pop it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

[Mike Cohen]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

If you want to, you could be on the secret show Thursday. You could have the date and then like. No, you know what we're going to do? We're going to fast track it. It. Miranda and you are going to have drinks tonight at Mitzy's after that. What do you mean you can't. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He's already saying again tonight? Why?

[Kent Hunter]

I have to work at 4:00am tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Jesus Christ Almighty. You work at HEB? Dude, we had the peanuts and they

[Kent Hunter]

already want to fire me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what?

[Kent Hunter]

They already want to fire me.

[Whitney Cummings]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do they want to fire.

[Kent Hunter]

I've been calling in a bunch.

[Whitney Cummings]

Cuz you've been walking around with a boner for the past two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, well, we're gonna figure it out. We're gonna make it happen. There he goes. Kent Hunter, ladies and gentlemen. He's doing the Secret Show Thursday. He's already got a big joke book. We're getting through it. Let's get one more bucket pull up here before we get to one of the great regulars of the show. We're having fun, but let's meet another human. We got a little bit of momentum. Make some noise for Luke Stam, everyone. We're gonna meet Luke Sam right now, live on Kill. Tony.

[Luke Stam]

I heard if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. That's why I became a school bus driver, because I love driving drunk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, but what about the children?

[Luke Stam]

Don't worry, I drive a short bus. Those parents would be fucking thrilled if I got into an accident. They could finally buy themselves something nice. Instead of another scooter for little Timmy every time his big ass bobbling head shit the motor out. Now, I told that joke and this older lady came up to me, said I ruined her day because she had two kids with down syndrome or whatever the fuck. And I don't mean to throw caution to the wind here when I say this, but how fucking rude. After you had the first one, you kept prancing around with a broken twat and you squirted out another. Then again, it probably isn't her fault. Cause if her pussy's tight enough to squeeze an extra chromosome into every head that passes through her, imagine how retarded it must have felt for her husband to slam his dickhead through her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Abso fucking lutely. Welcome, welcome. Luke Stam. Truly, truly funny.

[Luke Stam]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome. How long you been doing standup?

[Luke Stam]

About four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four years? Where at?

[Luke Stam]

Colorado Springs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Do you live here now?

[Luke Stam]

Yeah, I moved here in April.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Absolutely. How's Austin treating you?

[Luke Stam]

Not too bad. It's a lot hotter than I thought it'd be. I bought a bunch of coats for no reason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That'll come in handy for like a few days in December. January. But yeah, it is. Is incredibly hot here. The first one's the worst. Everybody told me that first summer, you'll get used to it. You'll start to like it. I didn't believe them, but it actually is a thing.

[Luke Stam]

Good, good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Stam]

You'll see so much sweat in my ass, I swear my pants or something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, no, you look like you would have a sweaty ass.

[Luke Stam]

Oh, yeah. All the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Stam]

Constantly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Stam]

Drenched.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That makes perfect sense. What do you do for a living, Luke?

[Luke Stam]

I do valet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Luke Stam]

People let me drive their cars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's Incredible. Nothing better than a sweaty ass guy getting.

[Luke Stam]

Oh, yeah. All the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Multiple cars soaking their seats. Is it like at a fancy restaurant, hotel?

[Luke Stam]

I mean, I probably shouldn't say, but yeah, it's a fancy place for rich people that tip me too much. And if they don't tip me, I fart in their car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Perfect. But don't they tip at the end?

[Luke Stam]

Yeah, well, you know, you just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just guess whether or not I

[Luke Stam]

just let them rip.

[William Montgomery]

That's just an excuse, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. Okay, Luke, I love it. How old are you?

[Luke Stam]

27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

27. What else? You. What do you do for fun in life?

[Luke Stam]

Yeah, I look like Jesus Christ.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're great. You're doing just great.

[Luke Stam]

What else do I do?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What. What do you have? Like, what's fun for you?

[Luke Stam]

Play a lot of poles. I don't know. What? I. I just quit drinking, so everything's boring now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Beautiful. What made you quit drinking?

[Luke Stam]

I really like other drugs, so, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like what?

[Luke Stam]

Like cocaine?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And that was a big thing for you in Colorado Springs?

[Luke Stam]

Oh, yeah. That's all Colorado Springs is for, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly. And you moved here and got sober? Or did you get sober, then move.

[Luke Stam]

No, I got sober here, but I was still drinking for the first couple months here. I got here in April.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the old William Montgomery. That's what we call.

[Luke Stam]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He came here and found sobriety in Austin, which is extremely hard to do.

[Luke Stam]

And I would just read books in my room, drink coffee and listen to smooth jazz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Luke Stam]

Think about buying a gun to suck on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Absolutely. Yep, that makes sense. Nothing better than smooth, smooth jazz and sucking on a gun.

[Luke Stam]

Nothing like it, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, not at all. But you don't have a gun yet.

[Luke Stam]

No, not yet.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you thinking about getting one?

[Luke Stam]

Well, I live in Texas now, so I should.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You should, Absolutely. What's your living situation like?

[Luke Stam]

Oh, it was pretty rough when I first got here. It was better than living in my car. But I keep finding people on Facebook, Marketplace, that have rooms for rent. And, like, the first lady, her. Her boyfriend got off his medication and beat her up, and he went to jail. And then I moved into her studio apartment with her, and then she started hoarding animals, so I got out.

[Cam Patterson]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of animals was she like?

[Luke Stam]

A Great Pyrenees dog, Two cats, a turtle she found outside, a rabbit off of Facebook, two blue jays and a pigeon.

[Cam Patterson]

Wow.

[Luke Stam]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'd like to hear her boyfriend inside of the story.

[Drew Nickens]

That's what I'm saying.

[Luke Stam]

I don't even think it was his fault anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Stam]

If I didn't get out of there, I started hitting her, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Imagine how those animals felt when you moved in.

[Luke Stam]

Oh, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Stam]

There's a new dog in the house or whatever the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. That is right. A Greater Dane. Luke, what's your love life like? Did you bring a girl back to the zoo that you lived in? No.

[Luke Stam]

Absolutely not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Luke Stam]

Nope.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing at all.

[Luke Stam]

What?

[Whitney Cummings]

That mustache.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh.

[Luke Stam]

I mean, mustaches are just for, like, really older ladies and other dudes to say they like it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Luke Stam]

It's a stage prop, really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Is that what you're into? You into cougars?

[Luke Stam]

I'm into anything that'll talk to me and, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, Absolutely. So nothing at all.

[Luke Stam]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You've been getting a lot of spots here in Austin, Texas. Texas. Doing a lot of comp?

[Luke Stam]

Not really. I was just trying to survive for the first couple months, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Did you save money up in Colorado Springs?

[Luke Stam]

No, I came here with, like, $200 in my car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing.

[Luke Stam]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. So give us some tricks to surviving on a low budget.

[Luke Stam]

Have friends that will, like, toss you money whenever you ask. You know, don't burn too many bridges. That's important.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is very important.

[Luke Stam]

Eat the same thing every day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you eat? What's your trick?

[Luke Stam]

Oh, dude. So I made. I. I broke my ankle at the beginning of the year and didn't have a job, so I had to come up with the cheapest meal to eat. Yeah, it's. You get three pounds of beef from heb. Of course.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Luke Stam]

Can of rotel, can of refried beans, a bag of cheese. Taco seasoning. 20 bucks feeds you for a week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Look at that.

[Luke Stam]

Invigorating.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That feeds. Red band for a day.

[Luke Stam]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Absolutely amazing. So how would you keep this refrigerated?

[Luke Stam]

Oh, well, I mean, I. I don't live in my car.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. You would put it in the. In the. Yeah, the animal fridge. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Why do you like cocaine if you have no money, though? That seems like a really bad.

[Luke Stam]

I had no money for the longest time.

[Drew Nickens]

Well.

[Luke Stam]

And also, people just give me stuff for free because they like seeing me up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you're fun. I bet you're. You were fun to hang out with.

[Luke Stam]

I'm a blast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I'm hammered.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You have that energy.

[Luke Stam]

Oh, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can see it. What is something that we would be surprised to know about you or your life or something like that?

[Luke Stam]

Oh, I'm an Eagle Scout.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Yeah, you're pointing at yourself. All right. I became an Eagle Scout also. Wow. Pedophile stream.

[Luke Stam]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible. Is that. Is that like when you're a grown up and you do it. I don't get it. What's the difference between an Eagle Scout and a cow Cub Scout?

[Luke Stam]

Oh, you just make it far enough and then they give you like, they call you an Eagle.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have to go through Boy Scouts,

[Luke Stam]

Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, all the types.

[Whitney Cummings]

Isn't it called NAMBLA now?

[Luke Stam]

I don't know what the. It's gay as now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right.

[Luke Stam]

I mean, it was always gay, but amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of porn do you watch? Girl Scout? A lot of it.

[Drew Nickens]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Stam]

I like. I like when the lady talks and. Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's D Madness.

[Luke Stam]

Gets you every time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep, he does. He pees 14 times an hour. It's incredible.

[Luke Stam]

I don't know if this is interesting, but I am from Butler, Pennsylvania. Ah, that's where Trump got shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, absolutely. It's now famous for being that we're on the map, right? Yes, you are. And incredible. Do you know the person that shot him or anything like that?

[Luke Stam]

No, no, no, I don't.

[Whitney Cummings]

Not at all.

[Luke Stam]

I know he was on. My little brother was the captain of the rifle team in my high school. Because we have shooting ranges in our schools of Pennsylvania. Because it fucking rules.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Luke Stam]

And then, yeah, I guess we were undefeated against that kid's team for like the past 10 years running. And that kid sucks so bad he didn't even make the team.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Thank God he's the one that took the shot. Amazing. What a loser. All the way to the absolute. Incredible, huh? What's the longest set you've ever done?

[Luke Stam]

15, 20 minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, guess what. Love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you want.

[Luke Stam]

Love to do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a big joke. Book one of these. Boom. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kiltonee debut of great performance by Luke Stam, everyone. One of the newest residences of Austin, Texas. Business is a booming. And now I introduce one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show here with a brand new 60 seconds like he does every other week. This is the great Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

It's. It's election time, bro. I'm upset, bro. People expect me to vote. Look at me. You don't want me to vote, dumb ass. That's crazy. I don't make good decisions. I think I vote the same way. I pick the women I fuck with my dick. And that's why I Ain't voted the last couple years. Cause it would've been gay. Cause Trump orange and Joe Biden was tired, right?

[Kent Hunter]

So.

[Cam Patterson]

But this shit Kamala there, you know, I fuck the shit out Kamala Harris. I fucked. I fucked. She's 60s. I fucked the shit out of Kamala Harris. I swear to God. Would you fuck Kamala Harris, sir?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You would?

[Cam Patterson]

I don't want to be. That's my brother with that gay nigga. I will tell you. I'm glad they let Joe Biden go to sleep. It's time. I didn't know. I didn't know he was 82 years old. That's crazy to me. I didn't know that. My grandma ate it too. And I love my grandma. That's my soldier. That's my heart, dog. Would I let her run the country? Fuck no. I wouldn't let that bitch drive a car. One day, I'm finishing one day, somebody met her and he was like, how you doing? I'm Karen Patterson's friend. Good to meet you. We live in the same apartment complex. I'm gonna say it again. How you doing? I'm Karen's friend. We live in the same apartment complex. And my grandma went, happy birthday and then walked away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been care about.

[Cam Patterson]

Thanks so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One minute, 30 seconds, 50% more than he even had to do. Just coming out running, fucking new material. I absolutely love it. Technical. Great. If you endorse Kamala. If you endorse her, she will let you fuck her. I don't know if you know that. She does. She only fucks sucks people that can help her career at all. Really good news.

[Cam Patterson]

You got my vote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yep.

[Cam Patterson]

If you try to suck a dick or something, let me know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He is talking directly to you. Kamala Harris.

[Mr. Heath]

She.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is she married?

[Cam Patterson]

Is she married?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She is married to a tiny white man who definitely is gay and doesn't her.

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I could be the first man. That's what it's called. The first in the president.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Cam Patterson]

It is the first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like that version. The first N word you do first. You know what I'm saying?

[Cam Patterson]

I do that.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, you can't be with Kamala. You only black chicks.

[Cam Patterson]

What she you

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

again? It depends on where she is. Yeah, you're not her ethnicity. She goes from being Indian to black to.

[Cam Patterson]

I fuck Indians too, nigga. I don't give a damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay?

[Cam Patterson]

This dick not racist. This dick love all people.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

People. That's right.

[Cam Patterson]

All women. But I'm cool with the gays.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There's any Gays that are on the line there. Cool with the gays. Pro gay.

[Cam Patterson]

No, I'm pro gay. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Hell yeah. You had heard it here, folks. Cam just admitted that he's a professional gay. But you said you're a pro gay. Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what? You can't fight it. You gotta let it happen. Okay, whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Yes. And roll it.

[Drew Nickens]

Whatever you say.

[Cam Patterson]

Roll it with the punches. White people love gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that's true. That is.

[Cam Patterson]

They love being gay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's okay. Are you running for president? This is amazing. All right.

[Cam Patterson]

Vote for me. I legalize fitting all. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[Cam Patterson]

Is it random? I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Cam Patterson]

I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. What else is going on in life, Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

I just been chilling. Really? I got. I got hand tattoos now. I'm pretty excited about those.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. Look at that. What does that say?

[Cam Patterson]

This one say, go harder for when I beat my meat. And.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh.

[Cam Patterson]

And this one say, be great, cuz I want to be great. That's what I would say.

[Cole Castle]

I love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Were you not going hard enough while masturbating before n. Sometimes you got to remind yourself.

[Cam Patterson]

You know what I'm saying?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Cam Patterson]

Go a little. Tug that. Little more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Cam Patterson]

Feel me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Cam Patterson]

Tug that a little stronger.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got a new go hard tattoo.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, it was pretty. The people I was in, when I was in Louisville, people came from Indiana and they. They. I signed they leg and they got a tattoo on their leg. They got my sentence tattooed on their leg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where was that at?

[Cam Patterson]

In Sellersburg, Indiana.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he have a bunch of other tattoos?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of other people's names?

[Cam Patterson]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Cam Patterson]

I mean, probably I'm the first black person on this leg though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at you.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm excited. It's three or three people did it. It was three white people. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Cam Patterson]

I made my people proud that day.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Cam Patterson]

I branded a white man.

[Bill Carroll]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[J.T. Abbott]

Three of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Shout out. Top shelf Inc. Oh, how the times have changed. Absolutely incredible. What else is going on? Anything else? Crazy shit.

[Cam Patterson]

Nothing really. I just been running around. I got a new spot. I got a new place now, so I'm excited about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. Hell yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

It's not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

My dad came and he was like, man, this shit.

[Cole Castle]

All right.

[Cam Patterson]

You did better than what I thought

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you was gonna do, so.

[Cole Castle]

That cool?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's good. Are you done letting open micrs sleep on your couch?

[Cam Patterson]

Nah, I'm a good person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you need to stop that. Okay.

[Cam Patterson]

I Stopped that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, good. Okay, you're now at the level where you've helped enough.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, I mean, I got an extra room. I got a game room and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got a game room?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, yeah, it's just the next. It's just another room.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are there any games in it?

[Cam Patterson]

There's games in that, bitch. Hell, yeah. I got a PS4, I got a PS5, I got a PS3.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

I got an Xbox.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. I got a switch. Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

I got a lot of guns too, pussy, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Cam Patterson]

I told you what I had, but I kill you, bitch. I'm looking at the camera. I'll murder you. Fuck, nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Cam Patterson]

I'll blow your fucking face off, pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's incredible. That is incredible.

[Cam Patterson]

I'm sorry. I had to. I kind of told him everything I had. And they'd be like, oh, shit. But I will fucking kill you. I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[Cam Patterson]

Come that you want to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nick is PS4.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah, four, three, five, whatever. I'll blow your face off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five.

[Cam Patterson]

You feel me, right? Susan, talk to me. Hell yeah. You get me Susan locked in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. She's.

[Cam Patterson]

I love you, White.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's pregnant. I love it. Cam, you're an absolute icon. We love you. You're the man.

[Whitney Cummings]

Oh, yeah, Whitney, I'm having a self destructive instinct.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm going to be at the Austin City Limits in September on the 6th. Would you like to do some time on the show?

[Cam Patterson]

Yes, ma'.

[Kent Hunter]

Am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom.

[Cam Patterson]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huge.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you so much.

[Whitney Cummings]

Your energy is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. He's the best. He's literally amazing.

[William Montgomery]

Thank you so much.

[Red Band]

I would love it.

[Cam Patterson]

I would love. I'm going be there on the six,

[Whitney Cummings]

right down the street.

[Cam Patterson]

Yes, ma'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay, let's do it.

[Cam Patterson]

Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson doing it, living the dream. He's a star. He's a. He's gonna be a arena act any day now. He's like a full size Kevin Hart. All right, another bucket pull. Here we go. Make some noise for J.T. abbott. Here we go.

[J.T. Abbott]

Why are people so upset that Californians are moving to Texas?

[Kent Hunter]

You know,

[J.T. Abbott]

I feel like. Good bit. I feel like we did the same shit to the Native Americans, you know, except now it's just a lot less syphilis and genocide and just a whole lot more acai Bullshops. My girlfriend asked me recently if she liked what she was wearing. And I told her, do you want to be honest with you? And she said, sure. And I said, I fucked your sister. I feel like, we really need to revisit the movie Indiana Jones, you know, because I feel like having a white American man with a whip going to foreign land, steal something that didn't belong to him, and then we made him the hero of the movie. You know, I feel like we're just rehashing old ones. All right, thank you so much. I'm J.T.

[Cole Castle]

abbott.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

J.T. abbott. You were just. Son. Right, J.T.

[J.T. Abbott]

i was just on. I was just literally watching myself as I came on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which is funny, right? You were on exactly. Last week.

[J.T. Abbott]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. And how long you been doing standup?

[J.T. Abbott]

I have been doing standup for three years now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years. And you came out and you asked a very broad question. Those were the first words out of your mouth.

[J.T. Abbott]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why are people mad when people from California move here?

[J.T. Abbott]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you left a huge opportunity for people to. You waited, too, as if. Though you almost wanted to get heckled. Yeah, true. What was your plan there?

[J.T. Abbott]

I kind of froze up, to be completely honest.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You weren't planning on opening up with that question?

[J.T. Abbott]

You know, I mean, my set originally did have that question in it. I was gonna open up with that set. I just didn't picture anyone from the crowd to yell out to me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anytime you ask a question of any kind, you're inviting an opportunity for someone to respond completely. If you leave a pause, they're definitely going to.

[J.T. Abbott]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're gonna find out who's retarded in the audience and who isn't extremely quickly, because they will respond. People that are ridiculously stupid will literally be like, I have an answer.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they'll say it to you.

[J.T. Abbott]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

Matt Rife became a millionaire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. So, J.T. abbott.

[J.T. Abbott]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is there anything we didn't talk about last week that I should know about you?

[J.T. Abbott]

Not really.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, There he goes. J.T. abbott, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, they're not here. Very good. I found his set disinteresting. So while we wrangle the next comedian, I'm gonna bring up a special unit that specializes when people bomb on the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is another set from Drew Nickens.

[Drew Nickens]

I love the Lord and I love black church. I just hate when I'm the only one in my family that gets searched for weapons. Fuck you, Dylann Roof. I'm a feminist and a degenerate gambler. That's why I love betting on female boxing. I mean, I stopped watching porn for three months because I was so deep in the research. You ever been so ugly that People can't believe that you're a biological woman. Crazy. Mauricio Suleiman says that women shouldn't be able to box more than two minute rounds. I say fuck that. I think they could box three minute rounds and they could be drafted. Yeah, man. I. I also know that there's not. There's no such thing as a women's power puncher. The last one I knew retired 14 years ago and his name is Chris Brown. Thank y' all so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

True Nickens. All right. There was a lot there. You were going bouncing around from premiere. Did you say you stopped watching porn for three months?

[Drew Nickens]

Yeah, I was. I was really deep into Katy Serrano versus Amanda Serrano versus Katie Taylor.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that?

[Drew Nickens]

That was a boxing match that happened last year and I was so deep, I stopped watching porn because I kept watching all the matches and they were really bloody. And you can't masturbate after watching bloody women.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can't masturbate after watching bloody women. I masturbate Two bloody women. That's what I search for when I'm looking up porn. Okay, that was a joke that somehow got nothing. All right, let's talk about it. So you bounced from boxing to porn, back to boxing. Was that about the Olympic lady?

[Drew Nickens]

Yes, yes, yes. Because, you know, she's so ugly. Everyone's like that. Can't just be a woman. I think she's a woman. She lost nine times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't mention that in your set. That would have been funny.

[Drew Nickens]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. There's times, Drew, and you know, a lot of people, you know, you're kind of a controversial regular, right? In the way that you have an incredible amount of brain damage. And, you know, it's interesting, people are going to watch you grow on this show. They're going to watch you learn. You're a specific type of specimen that's going to be more molded than someone who's flexing and showcasing their amazing work. Like an Ari Matty type. Right. Or like a Cam Patterson. You're a little bit more of a grower than a shower, comedy wise. Right. So let's take note of what worked during that set, which was a moment where in between the stuff, you just went haha. And it got a laugh because it was you, it was present. Drew Nickens in the moment. You understand what I'm saying?

[Drew Nickens]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't you pushing these ideas, this premises that you had loaded up and locked. It was you kind of taking a breath, right?

[Drew Nickens]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Being present in a moment.

[Drew Nickens]

Yes, I. I also Lost, like, a thousand dollars on women's boxing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How'd you lose $1,000?

[Drew Nickens]

So Michaela Mayer got robbed versus Alicia Baumgartner. I had three different women's boxing matches that week, and if she would have won, I would have made a payday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had a parlay?

[Drew Nickens]

Not a parlay, but, like, I had two parlays, and then I had, like, one straight bet on her for about 1000.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You had a straight bet for 1000 bucks on a woman's boxing match?

[Drew Nickens]

Yes, I had problems.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have an unbelievable amount of brain damage. This is incredible.

[Drew Nickens]

Well, okay. Women's sports, the skill gap between good and great is so much more than men's sports that it's easier to win money on the favorite. It's crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Women have these things you might not know about, Drew. Once a month, they have these things that happen. And we, the betters or the viewers, know when those are gonna happen. I'm a big fan of ufc. I have a couple friends that are female fighters, champions at times in their careers. And I'm not saying that perhaps they have been in a fight where it's been that time of the month, but it happens, and they lose during that time, their chemicals are off. It's a whole thing. Whitney, you wanna step in for me, help me out a little bit? So a lot of things that happen,

[Whitney Cummings]

you're the expert on bloody women. I mean, that's. That's kind of been your saying this,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

so it's a tough art form to gamble on because they. They're mental. Their brains get a little wiry. Right. Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And we lie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

And cheat.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I mean, let me ask you this, Whitney. Here's an interesting question that I guess is kind of relatable.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever had a scheduled, like, special taping and that happens?

[Whitney Cummings]

Had my period in a special.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[P]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you schedule it around that? Do you do, like, the opposite type of thing where you're like, okay, if I'm having it here, maybe I should schedule it for here?

[Whitney Cummings]

I mean, when we have our period, like, our memories still work, Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We can kind of not. The women I've been with, we can

[Whitney Cummings]

still pretty much function.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And usually the week before is even worse. Half the time when it comes to your brain. Right. Red band. That was red band, ladies and gentlemen, just in case it came across in the audio, like, it could be me. That was. I guess what I'm saying is that in sports, you don't have a choice. It's scheduled out and champions. This is like a Fact can be wobbly. A lot of people say Ronda Rousey, when she took the head kick from Holly Holm, perhaps was going through woman issues. Do you know what a period is, Drew?

[Whitney Cummings]

Should we ask that virgin? I feel like he knows more about this than me.

[Drew Nickens]

I had my mom. She had periods sometimes, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How do you know that?

[Drew Nickens]

Because she would be really angry, like, one week out of the month.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Drew Nickens]

I love her, though. She's my favorite. But no, she would get rouchy, and she would have Chocolate Mountain Dew on deck. Like, all the essentials for periods, right?

[Cam Patterson]

Ma'.

[Drew Nickens]

Am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This episode brought to you by Mountain Dew and Chocolate.

[Drew Nickens]

Yeah, ladies, I got it at the house. I just moved to Austin, so we're on deck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, you're out there losing bets. Drew. I recommend doing writing, and if you're going to bet on sports, do it using the Draft DraftKings sportsbook. Download the app and use code Kill Tony. And if you bet $5, you instantly get $150 in bonus bets. Drew. It's true.

[Drew Nickens]

Oh, great. I'll use that tomorrow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Drew, ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Drew Nickens, everybody. Well, that's gonna go down in history as one of the most awkward moments in Kiltoni history. Remember the time that Tony tried to explain that it's not a good idea to bet on women's sports because they might have a period? And then he checked in with Whitney to see a female comedian schedule their specials around it, and the place got quiet and weird, and everybody turned on Tony.

[Whitney Cummings]

And I haven't had my period in 30 years. You know that, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Bill Carroll, everybody. Come on. Make some noise for Bill, everyone.

[Bill Carroll]

I think I might be straight because I finally made it through Brokeback Mountain without jacking off. Thank you. Here's something I've been wondering. Maybe this is something you guys can help me out with. Is it gay to suck someone else's dick if there's a gun to your head? What if you're the one holding the gun? Is that. Is that gay, or is that just a hostage situation? What's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Bill Carroll]

The other day, I saw this homeless guy, and he had a sign that said, will change my mind about Black people for $10.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's weird.

[Bill Carroll]

I figured I'd do my part, so I gave the guy 10 bucks. He was like, all right, well, I don't like him anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, Bill Carroll. Love it. Welcome. This is your first time on the show.

[Bill Carroll]

This is my second time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, great. The other one. Go. Good too.

[Bill Carroll]

Not really great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, look at you now.

[P]

Yeah.

[Bill Carroll]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long ago was that performance, your last one?

[Bill Carroll]

It was about eight months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. You've been working hard at it.

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah, for sure. Eight months ago was the first time I had done standup, so I did my debut on show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, amazing.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. There you go. Eight months. Incredible. So very funny stuff, Bill. You're doing it. You're living the dream. What did we find out about you last time you were on? What do you do for work? What's your.

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah, we found out I work at a factory in Los Angeles. I live in Austin, but I didn't then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Bill Carroll]

And I think we were indexing early on that I was kind of an ordinary. I think you had pegged me. I was just ordinary, boring white guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bill Carroll]

But we found out I had an Asian girlfriend and. Pretty unusual. No, but the caveat. She was Filipino and that was people seemed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your job now?

[Bill Carroll]

Well, my days are numbered at the factory because it turns out the CEO of the company watches this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, shit.

[Bill Carroll]

It's not a big deal. It's all right. You know what I mean? I'm kind of a baby. I probably should maybe move on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I thought the factory was in la.

[Bill Carroll]

It's in Los Angeles, so I moved here after I did kill Tony. I was doing mics in Los Angeles afterwards, but I lived in Manhattan beach, which is just totally irrelevant as far as LA comedy goes. So I was driving an hour to go to Burbank and to go to Third Wheel comedy in East Hollywood, and it was just terrible. So I was like, I gotta come to Austin and incubate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So what do you do for work now?

[Bill Carroll]

I still work there, but they.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work at a factory in Los Angeles?

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah, that's right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm trying to figure this out. Yeah. Thank you, Red Band, for your edition of how. Yeah, I. I got this. Red Band. Thank you so much for the assistance.

[Whitney Cummings]

Hit 50 hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I was kind of getting to that.

[Luke Stam]

How.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. So how.

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah, it's a good question, Tony. Well, I'm a. I used to be there in person. I'm now remote. And I just. I was there last week. They want. Okay, hold on, let me back it up a little bit. They would like to fire me because I moved to Austin very spontaneously and that wasn't part of the contract. But I'm a programmer, like a computer programmer. And so I still work remotely, but I come back Back and forth pretty often.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really are an ordinary guy.

[Whitney Cummings]

I can't understand what you're saying. How does your Filipino girlfriend understand what you're saying? I can hardly follow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, how?

[Bill Carroll]

How?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bill Carroll]

I don't know. Maybe she doesn't understand me. She's just along for the ride. Maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is she with you or are you in the relationship remotely as well?

[Bill Carroll]

I brought her with me. She was part of the reason she wanted to leave Los Angeles as well. She went to usc. She had been there for like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Bill Carroll]

And so I had done Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I won't get out here.

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Take me with you. Is that what she sounds like?

[Bill Carroll]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love you.

[Cam Patterson]

What?

[Bill Carroll]

Tongue heel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Bill Carroll]

You go, Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Okay. Very good. Sorry, that's racist. Absolutely incredible.

[Bill Carroll]

How she's here with me. She's her name?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Bill Carroll]

Her name's Hal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, very good.

[Bill Carroll]

H a.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't have to do the math on that. Let her do it. Bill, what do you do for fun now that you're here in Austin, Texas?

[Bill Carroll]

We try to explore a little bit. We go to restaurants and check out the scene as much as we can. I don't want to say I do too much of the open mic. I do open mics way too much. I think my girlfriend is maybe like starving at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does she do when you're doing that?

[Bill Carroll]

She stays at home and she is knitting. Ah, it's a new thing. It's a new thing. She's crocheting and she's knitting. Clothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, very good. Is she making clothes?

[Bill Carroll]

She's making clothes. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Bill Carroll]

She makes clothes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're good at that. They are good at that.

[Bill Carroll]

We were finding out. Yeah, but I don't think she knew initially that it was an innate thing. She's kind of discovering it now. And she works like she works crazy hours just knitting. It's almost self imposed labor.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is she able to do it when she's on her period?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Let's see me not want knit no more. My pussy breathe. I cannot knit while pussy bleed. Bill, you be doing too many open mic. Stay here with me. I'm emotional. Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, are you listening to me? Bill?

[Bill Carroll]

Yes, baby.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come here. Bill, I want you suck my dick with your gun to your head. I lady boy in this joke. I am dick in this joke.

[Whitney Cummings]

Okay, Bill, so now that you're single, you're gonna have a lot of good new material.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hear you want kiltoni. I do not like it. You know my open mic. Tell us a deep dark secret. That you would never want to share on a live podcast. Come on, Bill. You got it. You got this, Bill. Be honest.

[Bill Carroll]

All right, I'll try. This is the first thing that comes to mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. Just.

[J.T. Abbott]

Yeah.

[Bill Carroll]

I suppose this. At this point, there's no more occupational hazards. We did this. They did. Deepest, darkest secret. At the creek, in the cave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No one knows who. What. Any you just said is my bad.

[Bill Carroll]

All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Answer the question, Bill.

[Bill Carroll]

Yes, sir. Well, I played a lot of soccer when I was growing up. And when we were really young, I don't really remember, maybe it was, like, early teenager. We went to a camp in Pennsylvania. And so it was a bunch of guys, and we're in an old dormitory, and I think we were kind of, like, aimless. We didn't know what to do after soccer. So someone broke into the basement of the dormitory, and they found a television, like an old, you know, tv. And it had pornography on it. There was naked ladies and stuff going on on the tv. So we all went down there and Porn. It's gonna sound gayer than it was. It wasn't that gay. Like, it's gonna. I know what you guys are thinking, but, like, we didn't know what to do. Cause we're, like, new to, I think, jerking off and stuff. So people just had big, like, erections, and they would, like, walk around.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I didn't know they were big.

[Bill Carroll]

I had nothing to base it off of. I swear they're bigger than mines. It was like, they're big erections.

[J.T. Abbott]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were seeing their erections, so.

[Bill Carroll]

But it was through, like, mesh shorts. So everyone had a boner and they didn't know what to do with it. They're like, bro, check it out. And, like, I'd be like, dude, same. Yeah, but, like, that was the extent of it. But it's extreme. It's. It's very.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then what happens?

[Bill Carroll]

I think we just porned out for a little bit and then bounced.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When you said porned out, we were

[Bill Carroll]

just casually watching, like, spectating pornography. We weren't participating as you normally would.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys need to all get go hard tattoos on your right hand. That's what you and your former soccer team need. Bill, what size joke book did you get last time you were on the show?

[Bill Carroll]

I got one of the big leather guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got a big one? Yeah. Yeah. What did you do correctly to get that Go.

[Bill Carroll]

So hot? But the interview was fun, I believe, and so you were feeling charitable, so you gave me one of. One of the Big guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Incredible. Well, go right. Keep it up, Bill. You're doing it.

[Bill Carroll]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good set.

[Bill Carroll]

Appreciate it. Thank you so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're watching them grow. You're watching him grow in front of your very eyes like a soccer team watching porn. All right, you guys still haven't fun out there. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Cole Castle. Cole Castle. Here he comes.

[Cole Castle]

I. I think girls are getting too kinky. I don't like it. I was with a girl recently. She told me to slap her while we were having sex. I was like, no, I don't feel comfortable doing that. She kept asking. I kept saying, no, we're going back and forth, back and forth. I finally slapped her, and she got pissed. I was like, what do you mean? You told me to slap you? She goes, yeah, not 15 minutes after sex. I was like, well, Maybe you don't talk during the movie. I don't know. You gotta be careful of hooking up, though, obviously. Abortion span in Texas. I knew a girl that got one two days before it was banned. Two days. I was like, you are the Kobe Bryant of getting abortions. Just at the buzzer, I mean, that baby hit the trash with one second left on the clock. And she was like, no, I'm not like Kobe. You can't compare me to him. I go, you're right. If you were anything like Kobe, you would have died with your kid. So. All right, thank y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All. Very good. A work of art. A 60 second masterpiece from Cole Castle. Is this your first time on the show?

[Cole Castle]

Second time. Second time I was on in December.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, December.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. How's life been going for you, Cole?

[Cole Castle]

It's been going pretty good. I'm actually a little nervous right now. I used to talk to an influencer, and she has a whole podcast coming about me tomorrow. So I am scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Cole Castle]

You were dating her talking for, like, a couple months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Cole Castle]

And she's been building this up. I've been waiting for the day, and it's here, and I am scared.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, goodness. What are you scared of? What do you think she's going to do?

[Mike Cohen]

I don't.

[Cole Castle]

I don't know. I forget. I was thinking, like, what I said to her. When you're with a girl, you kind of, like, you know, say everything to her.

[Bill Carroll]

Get very.

[Cole Castle]

Tell her all your secrets. And now she has a platform to tell everyone all my secrets. So I'm getting a little nervous, but we'll see.

[Whitney Cummings]

Dude, beat her to it. Tell them here Tell them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What is it? Yeah, what are the secrets?

[Whitney Cummings]

Great thing about.

[Cole Castle]

She loves the N word. No, I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, what are your secrets?

[Cole Castle]

Oh, my secrets?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's gonna say, don't tell us her secrets.

[Cole Castle]

Oh, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Cole Castle]

No, I don't. I don't know. I don't know what my secrets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you afraid that she's gonna say?

[Cole Castle]

I think she's just gonna say, I don't. I don't know. I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Gonzalez just said, yeah, you do.

[Whitney Cummings]

Is it like sexual stuff? Don't let her make money off your secrets. Tony will make.

[Cole Castle]

I think I'm going to wait to see what she says, and I'm going to counteract off that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let her play offense for that is not very presidential. The Latina women in the front are giving you a thumbs down.

[Whitney Cummings]

No, because. Because then. Then you'll make it bigger if you respond.

[Cole Castle]

Look, I felt comfortable sharing that with y', all, and now I feel like everyone's turning on me, and I don't like that at all. I felt safe, and now I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I love how present and real you are. Are. Cole. Incredible. How long you been doing stand up?

[Cole Castle]

About eight months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Eight months. My goodness. Incredible. Two funny eight months, guys. Back to back. Okay. What do you do for work?

[Cole Castle]

Sales.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Luke Stam]

Just.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah, insurance, planning, sales. Nothing crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Luke Stam]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for fun?

[Cole Castle]

Mics? I'll play basketball, you know, play Xbox. Really? This is like my thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thing. You love standup comedy.

[Drew Nickens]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work pretty hard at it?

[Cole Castle]

Yeah, I could definitely be working harder, but, yeah, I still love it. But I'm like, dude, I'd love be doing mics right now. Then I'm just like, in bed at nine. And that's it. Yeah, some days. Some days.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do at in bed at nine? You fall asleep?

[Cole Castle]

No, I just watch tv, you know. Took a turn on the old VPN sometimes.

[Mr. Heath]

Look at that.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah, the usual. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. ExpressVPN. I know.

[Cole Castle]

Go on a hinge a lot. It's my go to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So you go on dates with people?

[Cole Castle]

Yeah, I actually went on a date on Thursday. Went over to this girl's place, just, like, drinking wine, hanging out. We're playing this card game of, like, ask, like, kind of dirty questions, get to know each other. And the question was, what's your favorite curse word? And I'm like, I don't know. Probably fuck or, like, rape or something. And then. And then she goes. She goes. My favorite is. And then Just says the N word.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. I was.

[Cole Castle]

At first I thought she was joking. I was like, that's kind of funny. But then she giggled and then said the hard R. And I was like, oh, it's not so funny anymore right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not funny. It's sexual.

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah.

[Cole Castle]

You know, I was hard, but I had a good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Luke Stam]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

That's why they call it hard R.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how did that date end?

[Cole Castle]

I literally left, like, two minutes later. That's. I don't know. I think that's a big turn off for me. If they're racist, I feel like that's fair.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So guess you're not hanging out with us tonight.

[Cole Castle]

Yo. Only when girls are racist guys at school. But yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Whitney Cummings]

Was she on her period?

[Cole Castle]

I didn't get that far.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I would never. You know, obviously, I work with the blacks. Yeah. And I never say the N word around them.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But sometimes I do write it down and hold it right up to D. Madness's face. Big block letters. And he's going, what? What that in front of me? What's that breeze I'm feeling? I just wave them. Wave it in front of them. Cooling you down, D. It sucks.

[Cole Castle]

I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, look at here. You seem concerned. I'm joking.

[Cole Castle]

I don't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really are concerned with people saying the N word.

[Cole Castle]

No, it's fine. I was going to say, like, I love, but I love black people more, so I had to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second.

[Cole Castle]

Sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Shouldn't have done that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is wrong? That is the craziest line ever been told in the history of the show.

[Mr. Heath]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love black people more than even. Deep. Shut your gay ass up. Oh, my God. All right, fine.

[Cole Castle]

I'll hang out with her again.

[Luke Stam]

It.

[Cole Castle]

I don't care.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There you go. Make it happen. And black people.

[Cole Castle]

What?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nothing.

[Drew Nickens]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red man with another nothing this episode. Always good on podcasting. Go ahead, I said. So now you're saying you hate black people, but never mind. The time has passed. But you don't want to say the influencer of the person is there. Is she big? Is she a big influencer?

[Cole Castle]

She's pretty big. Like, every time we went out together, she got recognized a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So she's based here?

[Cole Castle]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Gamer girl.

[Cole Castle]

Gamer. No, no. Tiktoker.

[Whitney Cummings]

She's literally your Xbox.

[William Montgomery]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you guys close? You keep saying that. You just talked with her?

[Cole Castle]

Yeah, I mean, like, we only talked for a couple months, but, like, we hung out, like, every day till then, so. It was pretty. I don't know. I don't feel like when you're, like, 23 and famous and you have fake tits in a hot tub, you can do whatever you want. And so, like, we get in, like, one argument, and she's like, dude, fuck it, I'm downloading Henge again. And I'm like, baby, wait, she needs

[Whitney Cummings]

to go on unhinged.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And, yeah, it's a little.

[Cole Castle]

And it was a little too much, and I had to. I actually ended it with her. It was like, it was too much, or I could. I just couldn't do it anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. And that disappointed her.

[Cole Castle]

Probably not. No. She started talking to new guy like, a week later. So she was fine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She's just basically using you for content. Yeah.

[Cole Castle]

I think, like, we were using each other for content for a bit. For sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great point. You talking about her, she talks about you.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah. And then she just needed a guy that would come around, and then. So that I was doing that until I wasn't, and then she found the next one, and he's probably so much better than me, so.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why would you say that? No, I don't. Like, in what ways do you think he might be better than.

[Cole Castle]

Just. I'm. I was a late. Well, it was hard. When we first started talking, I had just gotten surgery on my ankle, so I'm like. I'm on crutches. Like, I literally couldn't do anything thing. Like, she had, like, pick me up. I couldn't drive. It's not funny. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God.

[Cole Castle]

What the. Pissing me off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Somehow. That's my favorite moment of the episode so far. You just saying things like, it's not funny. Shut up. It's not funny, guys. Shut up. You could have seen the other people we pulled out of the bucket tonight.

[Cole Castle]

I actually went to high school with jt. He was on a couple people ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jt. He's been doing it three years. Yeah. Started with a question. It did not go good.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah, that's what he told me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What exactly did he tell you? This is a fun thing. I didn't realize he said things that

[Cole Castle]

well because he got pulled last week. And I was like, I'm not even happy for you. Like, I'm just jealous.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cole Castle]

And pissed. And then he came up and he's like, I bombed. I was like, no, you didn't. Because he said that last time. He was like, no, I actually did. And he said it. He's like, yeah, I opened up the question. Tony was telling me that saying that you were giving him, like, actual advice instead of roasting him. So I was like, that's something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's more of a heartfelt episode.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Whitney Cummings]

So are you gonna get canceled? Is that what you feel?

[Cole Castle]

No, I don't think so. I think it's fine. It's just, like, Internet stuff. I'll be all right. I mean, dude, if, like, this would have. I think this went all right. If this would have gone terribly, I, like, would have killed myself, didn't I? Like, Like. Like this and the podcast episode coming out, there's, like, nothing for me, but it went good. You think so?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it did.

[Cole Castle]

Thanks, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it went real good. You got a big joke book last time you were on. You got a little one.

[Cole Castle]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, guess what, buddy. Here you go. Hey, and I'd love to have you on the secret show, unless that podcast is really bad and you'll get me in trouble. So. Secret show. Secret show Thursday night. You just got booked on a real show. Congratulations. Cole Castle, ladies and gentlemen. All right, another bucket pool. Here we go. We're having fun. That was an interesting interview, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Mike Cohen, everybody. Mike Cohen.

[Mike Cohen]

I. I think text messaging is ruining people's relationships. Would you agree? My best friend of over 20 years accidentally sent me a screenshot from Pornhub. This was no ordinary porn, people. This was BBC Big Black Cocks. I text him immediately. I said, dude, what the fuck? He texted me right back. He said, oops, sorry, wrong person. I said, dude, we've been best friends for 20 years. Who the fuck is the right person? I got another buddy of mine who accidentally sent his mom a dick. She texted him right back, said, it's nice to know that nothing has changed since you were a baby. My wife texted me a couple weeks ago. She says, hey, what's for dinner? Me thinking it would be funny. I sent her a dick pic. It was not funny. She texts me back. She says, oh, great, leftovers. Me thinking I'd make it a little funnier. I said, well, then, bitch, send me a picture of your pussy. It didn't get any funnier. She sent me back a picture of me. Guys, I'm Mike Cohen. You guys been great. Thank you so much.

[Luke Stam]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Exactly a minute. Jokes throughout. Saved himself from asking a question from the opening position by continuing the joke quickly. That was great.

[Mike Cohen]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think texting ruins relationships when you agree and then, boom, you attack before anybody could heckle you. Which was a lesson learned earlier in the show from somebody you didn't leave enough space for people to actually answer your question.

[Mike Cohen]

I learned that lesson the hard way.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. So why does it seem like you just left your wife and kids in the car to do stand up comedy tonight? It's the vibe that I'm getting from you is literally like, you're in a hurry right now. She's gonna be mad at you. The kids are hungry. You're a Costco guy.

[Mike Cohen]

I definitely left him at home, but home's in Atlanta, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Have you been on this show before? No.

[Mike Cohen]

No, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Cohen]

We met in Atlanta after your special taping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, that makes sense. I met people. Yeah. All right. So, Mike, how long have you been doing stand up?

[Mike Cohen]

Almost three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. And all of it's in Atlanta?

[Mike Cohen]

Most of it, yeah. I've done a little bit in Orlando and a couple other places, but nothing crazy. Don't get too many opportunities. So I do it as often as I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[Mike Cohen]

I am a brand manager for an automotive paint company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Cohen]

I run a brand of products for automotive paint company.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Automotive paint?

[Drew Nickens]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Earl Scheib.

[Mike Cohen]

No, no, no, no. A distributor. We sell the. The paint to the end users, the body shops, collision centers. Earlship doesn't barely exist anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, that's what you think, but. Well, yeah, that's red band. And I exclusively use Earl Shib. We use the promo code Kill Tony, and we save 20% on our auto body paint. You know, this is a pretty chill out episode of the show. I would say this is like a routine taping, but I will say this has got to be one of our most profitable episodes that we have done. Without a doubt. I do believe that's our 10th ad read in the middle of the show. And we don't. We've never literally. We've never used Earl shy before. They just owe us.

[Mike Cohen]

I would think so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're literally not a sponsor. But we will be sending them an invoice.

[Mike Cohen]

Now's their chance. They can jump on board.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell, yeah. Okay. So, Mike, how old are you?

[Mike Cohen]

45.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

45. What made you start standup at 42?

[Mike Cohen]

Deep depression.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you depressed?

[Mike Cohen]

So I was dealing with some health issues in my life. Obviously. It was in the middle of the pandemic, and I was seeing a doctor. She was helping me with some issues.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were the health issues? Let's talk about it.

[Mike Cohen]

Well, number one, I was severely overweight. Not that I'm not overweight now, but was even more so overweight then. I was almost £400.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mike Cohen]

So I've absolutely dropped about £150. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's great. Explain to red Band how you lost the weight. Do you like peanut colada milk?

[Mike Cohen]

You got to do push aways. Push away from the table.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, so keep going. Your health issues were that you were overweight?

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah, I was overweight and I was dealing with some pain in my abdomen and they found that my, my liver was giving me some issues and they basically told me that I was in the beginning stages of liver failure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you drinking a lot?

[Mike Cohen]

No, not at all. Just from being super heavy, non alcoholic cirrhosis of the liver.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoops.

[William Montgomery]

Whoops.

[Mike Cohen]

But with, with, with good exercise and a decent diet, you can reverse a lot of that stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And whoopsies has been called on the field. Unbelievable. Amazing. So was there something that you were consuming that was affecting your liver? That's so interesting to me, that just normal fat guy liver failure.

[Mike Cohen]

You know, once I started cutting out carbohydrates and just really focusing on a protein based diet, like, it really cleaned a ton of things up for me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mike Cohen]

I don't want to be cliche, but listening to different podcasts and crap like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mike Cohen]

Learning about Carnivore and different things, that made it. Yeah, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's okay.

[Mike Cohen]

Just throw it out there.

[Whitney Cummings]

And then you saw Bert Kreischer do standup and you're like, I can do that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Mike Cohen]

Definitely inspiring there, I guess. No, yeah, no, it was always a dream of mine and. And I never really had the balls to pursue it. And when my doctor told me that, you know, my days were numbered, I was like. My wife looked at me and she supports this. She. She's 100% behind me. She's like, you got nothing to lose if, if you're going to go out, go out doing something you enjoy. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mike Cohen]

I went all in on it. My wife's amazing.

[Cole Castle]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Wow. How cool is she?

[Mike Cohen]

She's amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's amazing.

[Mike Cohen]

I can't say enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have.

[Mike Cohen]

We have two. We have two.

[J.T. Abbott]

Two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How old are you?

[Mike Cohen]

Two little life suckers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mike Cohen]

20 and 15. So I got almost adults.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're almost in the clear.

[Mike Cohen]

Almost. I don't know if we're in the clear or not. One's in college and they are draining me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

In what way?

[Mike Cohen]

Financially.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're paying for it.

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah. College is expensive because they go to

[Whitney Cummings]

college and they all of a sudden have a new gender. So you have to get them.

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah, no. Thank God he does. He dealing with Any of the gender issues?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give us a ballpark. I'm curious, how much does college cost?

[Mike Cohen]

So right now I think we're at about 30,000 a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Christ.

[Mike Cohen]

We're two years in and we got at least three more with him. And the minute he graduates, my daughter goes in. So it's a never end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why did you push college so much?

[Mike Cohen]

I did not, actually. I. Trust me, I have zero education.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mike Cohen]

I'm basically a. With an ability to paint cars. That's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it, right?

[Mike Cohen]

No, I actually sat my son down and I said, look, dude, if you're gonna go to college, you have to answer two questions. One, is whatever I'm gonna pursue, is it gonna light my soul on fire every day? And two, is it gonna fix the world's problem of something? If you could answer those questions, go to school. And that's what he.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were his answers?

[Mike Cohen]

Well, I'm still working on that, but he chose to go into mechanical engineering and. And he's considering a minor in nuclear engineering as well.

[Drew Nickens]

That's cool.

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah, no, it's great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Mike Cohen]

I'm blessed because both of my kids are absolutely fricking brilliant. And I look at my wife and go, where the fuck did they get it right? You know, we're not below average, but we're right at average as far as intelligence goes. You know, we're just average people. And then I've got these two brainiacs for kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Amazing little nerds. Let's skip a generation or something. Mike, what do you like to do for fun other than stand up comedy? Man.

[Mike Cohen]

My wife keeps me so busy with bullshit around the house, we. I like to do whatever the fuck my wife tells me to do. How about that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Amazing.

[Mike Cohen]

We have a small little farm there in south. I don't actually live in Atlanta. I live in a little town called Noonan, Georgia, which is just south of Atlanta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Noonan.

[Mike Cohen]

Noonan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mike Cohen]

Great little city. Amazing family city. We're not from there. We relocated there from South Florida.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Mike Cohen]

But we bought five and a half acres. We've got a bunch of animals. My wife. Jesus Christ, she got into this middle aged white chicken woman crap. Now we started with eight chickens. We have like 70 chickens now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah, so she's got like a little small scale chicken farm going and we got a gaggle of dogs, turtles, lizards, you name it. We got all sorts of shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Yeah, we met a guy earlier that lives in a apartment with all of those.

[Mike Cohen]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you still fuck your wife?

[Mike Cohen]

Well, you know after 23 years, I get what I call. That'll shut him up. Pussy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How often does that happen?

[Mike Cohen]

Oh, you know, as long as it's on her schedule. Once every couple weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Once every couple weeks.

[Mike Cohen]

Gotta check the calendar though, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And like. So that sounds like. Hell, no. It's like, when. So is she just like, all right, you can fuck me. So. No, no, no. What happens? Did you come home and she's like, in like, weird lingerie or something? Like, how do you know when it's that time?

[Mike Cohen]

I wish she was listening right now. Maybe it happened at home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She definitely will listen to this because you're gonna be like, holy shit, babe, I got pulled. Thanks for letting me live my dreams. But. And that's okay. You've been honest this far through the interview. It's funny how much she scares the life out of you.

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You literally talked shit about your own children that you love and that you think are brilliant. I say, how do you know when your wife wants to fuck? You're like, well, Tony, I think I gotta go.

[Drew Nickens]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

she might watch this. We want to know. I don't know what it's like to fucking.

[Mike Cohen]

You know, she'll start to little spoon up to you or whatever. She'll start, you know, trying to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Mike Cohen]

She'll give you the signs, backs it up. Yeah, She'll. She'll back it up.

[Red Band]

Or.

[Mike Cohen]

Or wake you up. I don't know. One or the other.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She wakes you up sometimes in the middle of the night?

[Mike Cohen]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Whitney Cummings]

Spends all the days with chickens. And then she wants your pecker.

[Mike Cohen]

Like I said, not often.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Right, okay. Do you still blow loads inside of her?

[Mike Cohen]

More so now than ever because she's had a hysterectomy, so it's. Oh, hell yeah, it is risk free nutting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The Latina women approve of that. Incredible. Watching what Mexican women clap for and give thumbs down to in this type of show. They love hot loads, these Mexican women. It's incredible. They take it right down the old Horchata Highway. They. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing.

[Whitney Cummings]

Not loads of laundry

[Mike Cohen]

or loads of asphalt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, There you go. There you go. Okay, Mike, you have to go back to Atlanta tomorrow.

[Mike Cohen]

Technically, yeah. I have a job I have to get back to, but, man, I'd love to not have to. That's for damn sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you do. You do have to get back to your job. This is a big joke book, though. That's as good as life gets right there for a guy like you. Mike Cohen, ladies and gentlemen. Mike Congratulations. I love it. You're living your dream, dude. Great stuff. Mike Cohen. It's a fun episode. I like it. There's a lot of good lessons, a lot of wild examples, a lot of. A lot of bombs, a lot of

[Whitney Cummings]

fun, kind of emotional.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. It's more like one of those, like, you know, real, real stand up. Fans are gonna love this episode.

[Whitney Cummings]

I think so too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And there's only one way to end an episode like this. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, hall of Famer, the record holder for all time appearances on this show, all time interviews on the show. He's been called a great many names. The Tijuana tarantula. The Vanilla gorilla. The Dane from Des Moines. The redhead Robitussen revolver from Raleigh. Yes.

[Whitney Cummings]

Carrot bottom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, Carrot Bottom. He's been called many things. He's a couple weeks out from his appearance on the Olympics where he painted himself blue. It was highly controversial. Schultz. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show and a full blown unbelievable comedian and a great human being. The man needs no introduction, yet his gets longer every week. I present to you the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

I'm boycotting the Olympics until they bring back the three wheeler race. If musical chairs was an Olympic competition, I'd still do steroids. And by the way, anybody talking shit about steroids hasn't felt the rush of feeling your ball shrink in real time. And also I was thinking, that dude's kids probably aren't that smart. That guy seemed like a dumbass, kind of. I'm sure as fucking he was lying about his stupid kids. I'm thinking about getting the Olympic rings tattooed on my butt. So if you get a chance to see it, you'll be like, oh, you competed in the Olympics. And I'll be like, ask my pimp after you pay him. I remember watching the Summer Olympics as a kid and it'd be wrestling and I'd see the American can walk out. And I would wonder to myself, where is Hulk Hogan? Does our Olympic committee not watch television? Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

59 seconds from the golden goat. The.

[William Montgomery]

What did you call me? You called me K or what did you call bottom? That's funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me.

[William Montgomery]

Don't come at me with stupid like that. You're gonna come at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did I tell you about being mean?

[William Montgomery]

Come hit me with some better. My parents are here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right.

[William Montgomery]

Don't make fun of me in front of my parents. It was my dad's Birthday Yesterday. It was Red Band's birthday yesterday.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your parents are here. Where are they at tonight? Are they up in the balcony?

[William Montgomery]

Balcony tonight? Yeah, they're here tonight. They can't make it to Madison Square Gardens, but they're here tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's just Garden. It's the Garden. It's not plural. It's not actual outdoor gardens, William. It's the most famous arena in the world, which, by the way, takes their reputation very seriously. You cannot make fun of the venue. I haven't gotten a chance to tell you this, but literally, it is a

[William Montgomery]

rule not making fun of Madison Square Gardens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Say anything.

[William Montgomery]

Well, they try me, dude. I've been in a weird real mood recently. They better try my ass, dude. They better not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You starting now. You can't make fun of Madison Square Square Gardens.

[William Montgomery]

Madison Square Garden. Gardens, yeah, they can't go to Madison Square. They can't go. So it's really sad. But they came here today and it's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

been a lot of fun. You guys up there, where are they at? Why don't you guys come down here, say hello to this crowd real quick. They're legends of the show. Come on down here. We'll. We'll chat a little bit while they come. You can turn the house lights down. We'll chat with William. Make their way down here. It's a little bit of a trip.

[Kent Hunter]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what's been going on, Billy?

[William Montgomery]

My eye, Tony. I think I have pink eye really bad or something. My eye has been itching so bad and I've been rubbing at it on. On everything. On the doorknobs. I've been. Again, I feel really bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been scratching your eye against doorknobs?

[William Montgomery]

Yes. And touching stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look like you have pink eye. Now that you mention it, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

No, I do. I'm very sick. I got sick last week after Kill Tony. And I've literally. I've been real sick all week. And now I think guy and symptoms

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

give the people in the front row a chance to understand exactly what your symptoms are.

[William Montgomery]

I have something called squirts. It's where you get on the toilet and it's not like a saw thing. They come out. It's just like a squirt. And you have to really hold your sphincter. You have to hold it so tight when it starts squirting out of there. Because if it starts squirting too hard, all the shit comes up on your butt and there it's the squirt. Stuff gets everywhere on the toilet. But yeah, so you Gotta be careful about that. But yeah, I've been squirting out of my butt and eating. I'm. I'm. And by the way, I'm sick of all brand buds. I'm over that. It was making me do too good, I think. And it's like. It's a nightmare. I'm not doing that. I'm sick of squirting. I'm of do doing. I'm not doing any of it anymore, Tony. I'm.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did you have the squirts before the pink eye eye or did you have the pink eye and then got the. Definitely a pink eye, by the way.

[William Montgomery]

Yes, I have pink eye.

[P]

Really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You literally have pink eye right now.

[Bill Carroll]

I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The only person that's not going to get it, I do believe is D. Madness. I don't think he can get it. I think he's. Is he immune to pink eyes? Oh, yeah, there's no doubt. He can't get pink eye. Right. D, have you ever had pink eye? No. There you go. Perfect. It's like how. You know, I don't think blind people have eyeballs. Do you have eyeballs? That's an interesting question. I don't know. Okay. Oh, they exist. He sounds offended. Oh, Mrs. Montgomery. Mr. Montgomery, former guest of the show Legends in the show's history. Come on in.

[Drew Nickens]

Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So good to see you. I've missed you so much. I'm sorry I didn't get to hang out this weekend. Happy belated birthday to you, sir. Absolutely. The great Larry and Francis are here. Larry, say some things. This is literally where William, his entire character and everything that he is, he gets from him. All the kids talk like Larry. They all say the same types of things. They have the same delivery. Believe it or not. This is the truth, Montgomery. That started it all. Larry, how's it going?

[P]

It's going well, thank you. I was walking down the aisle and I heard my son talking about doo doo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[P]

Which he does a lot. Yeah, I got for my 68th birthday. I got some knuckle tattoos too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What do yours say?

[P]

It says, my knee hurts and I gotta go.

[Cam Patterson]

TT.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is incredible.

[P]

I've already TT'd four times during the show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[P]

But this seriously has been one of the best shows in a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you love it.

[P]

Seriously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[P]

No, the bucket pulls have all been great and you've done wonderfully.

[Whitney Cummings]

Yeah, well, your son just called me a bitch, so. Yeah, you can't say that now.

[P]

I apologize.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So, Larry, did you do anything special for your birthday or anything?

[P]

We went out to dinner. And on this Visit, William. He's 30.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you, 38?

[William Montgomery]

37 now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whatever.

[William Montgomery]

He's.

[P]

However old he is, he has bought our dinner three nights in a row.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa. Wow.

[William Montgomery]

First time in 37 years. Years, Tony. Things are looking up. And I swear I'm going to be nice. Madison square gardens. I swear I'm going to be sweet about that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William is a notorious miser behind the scenes. Very, very thrifty, ridiculously to an unbelievable extreme.

[William Montgomery]

And today was a fun day for me in the stock market. I lost $60,000 in the stock market today. So I really got be frugal now. Oh, my God. Little scary. I'm not kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's gonna be really not. He's gonna be sending you some invoices for those dinners, it sounds like.

[P]

Yeah, I'm glad I got those in.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. So you guys can't make it to Madison square garden, huh? What's going on? What in the world could possibly be bigger than watching your son, one of the biggest stars in the history of the show, perform at the most.

[Miranda]

I agree.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What's going on, Larry?

[P]

I've got to work for a living.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gotta work on Friday and Saturday nights this week, Ms. Montgomery. I'll be your date.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, don't fucking get anywhere near my mom. Red band. Seriously, don't get anywhere fucking near. You look as nasty as ever over there. You fucking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God,

[Whitney Cummings]

I'm not going to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's so funny to watch a guy with a completely inflamed eye tell you you look nastier than ever.

[P]

Yeah,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

yeah.

[P]

You have an inflamed eye. Yeah, well, get the away.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Ah, Absolutely incredible. Oh, my God. They still got it. For those of you that haven't watched the episode where the Montgomery's are the guests, I implore you to go rewatch it. I mean, you guys are just absolute natural. It was such a home felt, a heartfelt home like episode. It just felt like a kill Tony at like a Christmas dinner or something like that. It was amazing. What do you think about that episode, William?

[P]

I loved it.

[William Montgomery]

Oh, my gosh. It was one of my favorites. I was very nervous before my mom stopped to get eating for a couple days before that. And that had me nervous. She was so nervous to get on here and she stopped eating for days before and it was scaring me. Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What did. What did you say, Francis? What did you say?

[Mr. Heath]

Here we go.

[Miranda]

He's making this stuff up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you making stuff up about your mom? No,

[William Montgomery]

It was like a week or something. You didn't eat before.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Larry, is your household just always silly and wild and filled with humor? We've met the great Seldon, who's made a huge impact here in Austin, Texas. The boy is wild. He is an amped up version of William from back in his, you know, kind of like, yeah, oh yeah. But he also kind of like, it seems like he's learned lessons from big brother over here. Have you helped Selden in any way since he's moved here to Austin, Texas?

[William Montgomery]

Yeah, we go eat over at his house. We hang out a good amount. And I do want to say to any, if there's any parents out there or whatever, my. They were totally. They were the most strict with me. And cut back to when I was in high school. I was railing lines of Xanax, I was drinking so much Evan Williams whiskey and I wasn't allowed to spend the night out. And that was all the other brothers were allowed to spend the night out. I wasn't allowed to spend the night out. So I'd have to rip lines of Xanax and drink Evan Williams and fucking drive back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So was there things that you learned that you changed after you raised William for the other kids? That's actually a good question.

[P]

Well, first of all, everything he just said is,

[William Montgomery]

I remember that one night. Remember the one night, it was after a kill Tony in LA and I was calling people. It's when I was really lonely and I was calling people on the phone. I talked to people till 6am and I called that one guy and I told him I was in the underwater cavern system. And then I get a phone call from one of y' all cell phones and it's the woman police officer on the other end.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I It is story and papa.

[William Montgomery]

It killed me. I remember you asking me if I was on mushrooms or something and I was just railing lines of cocaine at that moment. I was just doing.

[Bill Carroll]

But it was sweet.

[William Montgomery]

You asked if I was on mushrooms, but no, I was not.

[P]

Ah, well, Francis. Francis called me on the phone and said the police are at our house and it's something about William. And I'm driving home from work thinking, oh shit, he's dead. Where are we gonna park the U Haul in la?

[William Montgomery]

That's. The street parking was horrible. Where I was living in Hollywood, it really was. It was horrible. Street parking.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh yeah, I'm ashamed.

[P]

But that was my first thought.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[P]

And then we got home and the police said, we, we. And this is true. We got a call from the LA police and someone has reported that Your son is trapped in a cave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, say that into the mic. What? Frances, Here, here.

[Miranda]

This is what happened.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. This is going to take 30 minutes. It's good, it's good, it's good. Take your time. Right into the tip of the mic.

[Miranda]

I'm at my garden club thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it a Madison Square Garden?

[William Montgomery]

Gardens.

[Miranda]

I'm teaching people how to propagate begonias.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Propagate pagonia.

[Miranda]

My neighbors call me and say, there are all these police cars in front of your house. And like, I can't breathe. I leave my propagation workshop and I. I'm calling Larry on the phone saying, I literally couldn't breathe. I'm hysterical. And I said, I know he's dead. The police and all of my neighbors are gawking at us. And like, it was a nightmare. It was a total nightmare. And I round the corner and the policemen say to me, he is in this underground cave in middle Tennessee. And I said, he is in a freaking comedian. And I was relieved because I knew it was no longer true. It was all a lie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William, what made people think that you were in an undergraduate?

[William Montgomery]

I called this guy on my phone and it was somebody else. I still to this day do not know who the person was I talked to. And I was just telling him that I was trapped in this underwater cavern system in an air bubble. And the police get somebody in to help me. I'm running out of air. I'd get all coked up and call these people and like, prank phone call everybody. It was fun. Yeah. This guy really believed me. I guess I was convincing. And I was thinking, you idiot, how would a cell phone work in a underwater air bubble? You idiot. Why did you call the police, you dumbass?

[Miranda]

It was horrible. It really was. That's horrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You interrupted your mother. Propagating Patagonias. Oh, the teacher's awake again. Look at this bitch. You want some more, you piece of shit? You're a mom too. I bet you are. I bet your kids fucking hate you. Special needs. Oh my God, you're actually offended. Look at you. You're looking for something to get mad at. She doesn't have her period. You're just like this all the time. You teach first period, second period, she says, wow, incredible.

[J.T. Abbott]

God.

[William Montgomery]

And your husband's so embarrassed behind your ass.

[J.T. Abbott]

He is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He really is right now. Incredible. You could tell he's a fan of the show. She's like, I want to come to. I can laugh. I have a good sense of humor. This guy just wanted to hang out with his homie, right? That's your buddy with the sunglasses. Yep. Yeah, you guys are homies. The ladies wanted to come too. This one handles it very well. She's been having a blast. She's cracking up right now. Doing the oh, don't point me out thing. Blocking off the energy of fucking gobbledygook over here. This lady's been a real bitch the whole episode. I'm just trying to catch up the Montgomery's to what's going on. Look at her. Well, I mean, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? The Montgomery's are a part of the DNA, the legacy of the show. The only parents to ever be guests on this show other than my own mother, Joy Hinchcliffe. You're the only other two. Your son's in the hall of fame of Kil Tony. He's a fucking theater act now. He's selling out everywhere he goes. He's adding shows, he's making vast sums of money. And he's performing twice two different sets of the most famous arenas in the world this weekend. Madison Square Gardens. Okay, that's William on Montgomery, That's Larry Montgomery, and that's Francis Montgomery. Make some noise for the Montgomerys. Make some noise for the great Whitney Cummings. Ladies and gentlemen, Whitney Plug something. Talk about your podcast or your tour dates.

[Whitney Cummings]

I have a much less popular podcast and I'm gonna be performing in Austin. Cam's gonna be with me, I guess now on September 6th. I'll be at Austin City limit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

September 6th, ACL live. Oh, that's a great theater.

[Cole Castle]

Oh yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it's amazing. The drawing from Ryan Je belt is in of tonight's episode, the great Whitney Cummings. And thank you. Hellofresh. Thank you, Squarespace. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Everybody Grooveline horns joining us. Today everybody's gonna be at msg. The great Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mulling the madness. And John Dees, who's been a true unbelievable leader of this band since our first episode ever in Austin, Texas. The man, the myth of legend. Feels like just yesterday. I remember meeting you. He had full blown Covid and we had a meeting and he didn't delay it or cancel it. We sat right next to each other and I realized later that he had covet Feels like just yesterday. We love you guys. You guys have fun tonight. We love you. God bless America. Thank you. Good night everybody.

[Red Band]

The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam.