#679 - MATT RIFE

Summary

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Kill Tony #679: Matt Rife

Date: September 3, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-Host: Brian Redban
Guest: Matt Rife

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Episode Overview

This high-energy episode of Kill Tony features renowned comedian Matt Rife making his long-anticipated debut as the guest panelist. The show, recorded live from Austin’s Comedy Mothership, adheres to its classic format: hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, a fiery house band, and a lineup of gutsy comedians signing up for a chance to perform one minute of stand-up, followed by unfiltered interviews and feedback. Matt Rife’s presence brings a playful dynamic, lively banter, and fresh perspectives to the panel, resulting in an episode full of candid comedian stories, veteran roasts, surprisingly heartfelt moments, and laugh-out-loud asides about comedy, life, and life on the road.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening & Guest Introduction

[03:25]

• Tony Hinchcliffe introduces Matt Rife, noting their first meeting over a decade ago when Rife opened for Ralphie May.
• Warm banter about their history and shout-outs to Rife’s new Netflix special Lucid and his world tour:

  "You're doing it, buddy. You're living the goddamn American dream." (Tony Hinchcliffe, 03:35)

2. Setting the Stage: Rules & Format

[05:34]

• Hinchcliffe explains the signature "bucket" system: 300+ comedians signed up, audience-packed energy, and the format of 60-second sets judged by a panel.

3. Regular Hans Kim’s Set & Panel Q&A

Set: [06:48] | Interview: [07:53 - 12:31]

• Hans Kim opens the night with a brash, punchy bit on women in politics and Asian male stereotypes.
• The panel grills Hans about his girlfriend's European trip, his masturbation habits (“my Hans has been on my schwans”), and his fascination with Japanese massage porn.
• Notable exchange:

  "I love Japanese massage porn." (Hans Kim, 09:53)
  "They trick a bitch." (Hans Kim, 09:57)

• Closes with jokes on Kamala Harris, rumors of politicians' drinking, and Hans’s voting eligibility.

4. First Bucket Pull: Ben Williams

Set: [13:53] | Interview: [15:10 - 20:39]

• Ben performs a relatable set about being mocked as a “Great Value Dave Chappelle” and growing up tough in Texas.
• Panel riffs about his big teeth, his day labor job, and encouragement for his rap skills:

  “Quit that job. I’m my own boss, never take a loss / Got big teeth, but yeah, I floss…” (Ben Williams freestyle, 20:43)
  "He just got booked for a real comedy show." (Tony, 21:52)

5. Austin Ingles: Midwest Moves & Roommate Woes

Set: [22:35] | Interview: [23:39 - 30:39]

• New Austin arrival from Peoria, Illinois. His set hits on boner pills and white trash family jokes.
• Matt Rife praises his “redneck” joke for originality.
• Reveals he works security at Maggie Mays, has techie roommates, and admits to “blonde top, red beard, little orange pubes.”
• Fun banter about hiking Austin’s “green belt,” drug use, and sex with “drunk women” at work.

6. Todd Royce: Married Life, Past Wrestling, Food Podcasting

Set: [31:12] | Interview: [32:27 - 40:27]

• Royce’s set roasts long-term marriage bedroom dynamics and group identity clichés.
• Anthemic interview moments:

  "I was the American Wet Dream." (Todd Royce, 37:45)

• Reveals a background in pro wrestling, a food review podcast (Sweet Potato Pod), and his journey from open mics to full-time touring comic.

7. Ernest Evans: Army Tales, Fatherhood, and Blackhawk Missions

Set: [41:02] | Interview: [42:09 - 48:11]

• Ernest’s set jokes about having "the oldest blackest name" and passing it to his son (Ernest Jr.).
• Shares stories from his time as an Army Blackhawk crew chief, transporting cheerleaders in Afghanistan, and navigating parenting with a baby at home.
• Replay of the “Call of Booty” dad joke and playfully laments sleepless nights with a newborn.

8. Justin Governale: Marine Humor, Survival TV, Dating Life

Set: [48:52] | Interview: [50:01 - 58:05]

• Justin riffs on “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” making him “a strong, confident gay man” (later clarifies he’s straight—“it’s the bit!”)
• Talks about getting blown up in Iraq, his black belt in Jiu Jitsu, and appearing on Discovery’s Naked and Afraid (“lost 38 pounds” on the show).
• Panel needles his Tinder exploits and his hiatus from sex since July.

9. Cam Patterson: Out-of-the-Box Comedy & “The Bean”

Set: [58:42] | Interview: [59:31 - 64:34]

• Cam delivers a meta bit from his tax form, pokes fun at “the bean” Chicago sculpture, and Kansas City’s barbecue.
• Tony expresses disbelief at never hearing of "the bean," leading to a hysterical running gag through the show.

10. Brian Says: Identity, Black Trivia, and Banter

Set: [65:23] | Interview/Bit: [66:25 - 76:55]

• Edgy joke about "dead-naming" adapted for race.
• Engages Tony in impromptu rounds of trivia, including black history and Southern food culture.

  "We're going to call this a draw, right Tony?" (Brian Says, 74:19)

11. Brian Cook: Music Riffs, Delivery Jobs, and Metal Scream

Set: [76:55] | Interview: [78:03 - 88:00]

• Bit about classifying all music and comedy as “retards making noise,” then a remarkable live heavy metal scream.

  "[Does metal vocals]…What the—need to get some just for men. Craziest grandfather I’ve ever seen in my life." (Tony, 87:54)

• Candid about sobriety issues, collecting sports cards, and previous band experience.

12. Martin Phillips: Disabilities, Crockpots, and Disability One-Ups

Set: [89:37] | Interview: [90:43 - 97:49]

• Expertly crafted material on “gay cowboy outfits,” reading food blogs by porn stars, and British/American differences over “ladybird.”
• Interview covers cerebral palsy, cooking in crockpots, never having an accident while driving, and hilarious retorts to the panel’s teasing about lizards and insurance.

13. Javier Ramirez: Voice Acting, Autism & Foul Hookup Stories

Set: [98:47] | Interview: [100:03 - 109:17]

• Memorable intro: “Yeah, I am autistic. I’m also gay, bisexual. So fuck everybody here.”
• Reveals his dream of being the announcer at the Mothership, demonstrates an MC impression, and shares a wild story about farting during oral sex:

  "She did some kind of tongue twister, and holy shit, I farted in her face. …I offered her some water to wash it down." (Javier Ramirez, 107:01–108:03)

14. William Montgomery: The Closer

Set: [110:14] | Interview: [111:02 - 120:19]

• Riffing on lunch ladies, Dalmatians, and Christian death metal boy bands.
• William is unusually shy in front of Matt Rife, discussing their “first meeting," Memphis stories, barbecue, and his addiction to the game Remnant 2.

15. Final Wrap:

[121:00 - End]

• Tony thanks Matt Rife, “You have the best fans, man. Thanks so much for letting me do this.”
• Plugs Rife’s special, tour, and the band. Bids audience good night.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Tony’s disbelief over Chicago’s “the bean”:

  “I can't believe there's anything that exists that I don't know about.” (62:24)

• Matt Rife, on the “redneck” joke:

  “You're funny, man. The redneck joke was fucking hilarious. I haven’t heard a good, original white trash abuse joke in a very long time.” (25:24)

• Hans Kim, defending Japanese vs American porn:

  “Japanese are like, seducing and tricking and all that. Americans are just like, just doing it…It's kind of boring. I like the process!” (11:34)

• Justin Governale, about Tinder and war stories:

  “We've all been on Tinder dates. … I stopped though, man. I haven't had sex since July 5th. Just taking a break. I was just promiscuous for so long, I got, like, tired of it.” (55:16)

• Tony, roasting Todd Royce:

  “What does your wife do when she's not plunging the toilet?” (34:53)

• Javier Ramirez, on his voice and sexuality:

  “Is your throat as deep as your voice?”
  “Yeah, I take after my mom actually.” (102:12)

• Martin Phillips, retort on driving:

  “I never been in an accident, so…” (96:32)

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Noteworthy Timestamps

• [03:35] Introduction of Matt Rife and their origin story
• [06:48] Hans Kim’s set
• [20:43] Ben Williams' freestyle rap moment
• [25:24] Matt Rife's signature feedback
• [31:12] Todd Royce’s “American Wet Dream” wrestling revelation
• [37:45] Todd Royce on wrestling origins
• [41:02] Ernest Evans’ set and military stories
• [48:52] Justin Governale’s Marine story and “Naked and Afraid” reveal
• [58:42] Cam Patterson’s “bean” and tax form bit
• [65:23] Brian Says and impromptu trivia
• [87:54] Brian Cook’s live metal vocals
• [89:37] Martin Phillips' unique take on cowboys and disability
• [98:47] Javier Ramirez's deep-voiced comedic debut
• [110:14] William Montgomery’s closing performance and personal fanboy moment

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Episode Tone & Vibe

The episode is raw, raucous, and uproarious—chock-full of inside-comedy references, crowd interplay, fearless audience work, and fast-paced joke-telling. Matt Rife’s guest spot injects the proceedings with fresh energy and genuine fandom, while the rotating roster of comics—regulars and wildcards alike—keeps the room electric and unpredictable. The hosts and panel riff mercilessly, but the camaraderie and love for comedy always shine through.

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For First-Time Listeners

This episode perfectly encapsulates the Kill Tony brand: unpredictable, unscripted, and hilarious. Expect edgy humor, honest advice, and heartfelt moments—all through a lens of stand-up comedy’s grind and spirit. Matt Rife, as a debut guest, finds instant chemistry with the irreverent panel, making this a must-listen for fans of raw, live comedy.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found

[Ben Williams]

at Death Squad TV and now on

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Spotify and Apple podcasts.

[Ben Williams]

If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Ray coming to you live from the comedy mothership here

[Ben Williams]

in Austin, Texas for a brand new

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Welcome everybody. How we feeling tonight, huh? This is Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace, DraftKings, Zip Recruiter, Shopify and HIMS. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muhling, John Dees and D Madness on the bass guitar. We are here. It is all happening. Amazing show for you. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Ladies and gentlemen, it's a one guest night tonight. This is a comedian who I've wanted on this show for a ridiculously long time. I remember meeting him about three, 13 years ago when he was a young buck opening up for the great, late, great, one of my old best friends, Ralphie May. And now I can say in all honesty, truly one of the biggest stand up comedians in the world has a brand new world tour, his second global tour coming out and the newest special on Netflix. I present to you. You are here for the Kill Tony debut of Matt Rice. Boom. Yes. The man, the myth, the young legend Matt Wright has joined the fold here live on Kill Tony. We are going to have some fucking fun tonight.

[D Madness]

Me, this one, I'm not anyone you want. There we go. Figure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How is everybody?

[D Madness]

Everyone's cool. Good to see you guys. Dude, this is awesome, man. Thanks for having me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to have a blast. I've wanted to do this forever. Lucid is out now on Netflix. The new world tour going out for sale right now. Matt rife, official.com. you're doing it, buddy. You're living the goddamn American dream.

[D Madness]

Finally. Dude, I've known you since I was 16. That's so creepy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unfucking believable. It is. He's also my mom's favorite comedian. My mom.

[D Madness]

She's got great taste.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

77.

[D Madness]

She tastes great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

77. Oh, you son of a. You ate a 77 year old out.

[Javier Ramirez]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

77. 77, dude.

[Hans Kim]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, but you met her when she was 60. 65. Yeah, exactly. She was like smoking.

[D Madness]

She's still in Youngstown.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

God, yeah.

[William Montgomery]

You don't really leave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. If you stay in Youngstown this long, you're stuck there. Yeah, I'm going to go back barrier soon. It's going to be great. Oh, that's depressing. Yeah, no, it'll, I'll already be there. Yeah, it'll be great. You're going to her to death. It's going to be great. She literally has a cocktail napkin that you signed after that show. She got it framed. I remember the phone call. I, I, she was the only show she ever went to because I was so close with her. Alfie maybe. And fucking she goes. Cause all she knew was the comedy Store at the time. I mean, that's all there is. No one's going to shows in Youngstown. But she saw you open for Ralphie at that show. She was a guest of Ralphie Mae and you blew her fucking mind away. She's been on the show, she's been on panel, she's done a set on the show. Oh yeah, she's a legend. Perhaps even a future kill Tony hall of famer, who knows? There we go. And she framed that fucking cocktail napkin and told me that day, that next day, I remember, she goes, I'll tell you, the kid that opened for him is a star. He's gonna be a star. Tony. I go, who are you? Who in the world are you talking about? What do you possibly know? And she has that cocktail napkin still framed on a dresser with all this shit.

[D Madness]

That's so cute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which goes to show, Hinchcliffe's are geniuses. Matt Wright, first time on the show. Let me explain to you. There's over 300 people that signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. 300 fucking pieces of paper in this mama jama. They're all piled in across the street at called poor Choices. If I pull one of the names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the Sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them. I conduct an interview, we meet them all together and the whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Let's start it with one of our esteemed regulars, ladies and gentlemen, this guy, an absolute legend of Kill Tony. We met him when he was sleeping in his van doing open mics all around the world. He couldn't stop doing open mics up to 4, 5, 6 a night. Now he's one of the highest ticket selling comedians in America. This is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hun Skip. This is Hun Skim. This is Hans Gimp. This is Hans Skim.

[Brian Says]

Hey,

[Hans Kim]

what's up? I can't believe there's a woman running for president right now. Is this a fucking circus? They just got the right to vote. Now they want to run the whole thing? Not on my watch, Kamala. More like Kablah blah. What is this bitch shrieking about? But yeah, I don't think anyone wants to hear women talk. I think we just want to. No, seriously, I think we just want to hear the air moving around their tits. God, I fucking hate women. What? They're racist to Asian guys. Women want a strong, confident American man that's going to attack Iraq twice for no reason. They don't want a cunning, careful Asian boy that's going to pick the right harbor.

[Brian Says]

Thank you.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans Kim with a very punchy set.

[Justin Governale]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What a way to get the show started. Hans Kim.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, amazing. A very woman hating set. Are you trying to win over all the incels in your Instagram comments right now?

[Hans Kim]

Incels? All right, we're a shy bunch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Do you have a girlfriend?

[Hans Kim]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah. She's in Europe right now for three weeks, going to bars and drinking.

[D Madness]

Where in Europe?

[Hans Kim]

She was in Budapest. She was in Amsterdam. She was in Ibiza.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, people.

[D Madness]

People cheat in Ibiza.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, probably someone very beautiful. Someone with beautiful eyes. Like you.

[D Madness]

I'll kiss you on your mouth, dog. Shut up. She's not here. Who's gonna tell her?

[Hans Kim]

Shut up,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hans. Weeks without a girlfriend and here you are flirting with Matt Rife.

[D Madness]

Wait, how long is she gone for?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three weeks.

[Hans Kim]

Three weeks?

[D Madness]

You're gonna get back and you're gonna have Lego hands, dude. After being in a relationship, poor.

[Hans Kim]

Thank you, man. Matt thinks this is how big my cock is.

[D Madness]

That's the whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's the actual size of a Lego man's hands. It's that big is what he's saying. What have you been doing to please yourself during this time? We know you are a sex addicted masturbating machine. What's been going on with you, Hans? What have those. Have you been keeping your Hans to yourself?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, my Hans has been on my Hans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The fuck does that mean?

[Hans Kim]

My Hans has been on my schwans. Just workshopping.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But have you been watching porn or something?

[Hans Kim]

A lot of porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What kind of porn? Have you been in anything wild lately? What's new for Hans?

[Hans Kim]

I love Japanese massage porn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa.

[Hans Kim]

They trick a bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does that work exactly? What is Japanese massage porn?

[Hans Kim]

Usually the husband is within earshot.

[D Madness]

Like physically.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

An earshot?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah. And then they just start touching her and then it just goes crazy.

[D Madness]

So he just watches this go down sometimes?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, it's like a photo shoot. Like this is a fashion shoot. And then they like, he's. She's fogging another dude, so he cucks

[D Madness]

it the entire time. I never understood the cuck situation.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Me. Yeah. Get out of there.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

She's not into you, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[D Madness]

She's not the one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What is it for you, Hans, that turns you on? Having. Watching a man watching a girl having sex with another man?

[Hans Kim]

I just love seeing, like, a normal person then have sex. Because I don't know how to do that. So it's. I just want to learn how to get from normal to sex from normal. Sorry, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a real live apology from Hans Kim. You don't get that very often.

[D Madness]

And the Asian massage porn, do they do the full massage up? Like you have to watch an hour?

[Hans Kim]

No, I fast forward and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right.

[D Madness]

He's a good man.

[Hans Kim]

They're usually quick to the point.

[D Madness]

It's also mad if they ruin my massage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's also pixelated, though. You can't even see anything in Japanese. Is that true? Are you watching pixelated Japanese porn?

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Now what is it about that? Why are you watching the Japanese version of this when you could possibly be watching just American cuck porn?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, because Japanese are like, seducing and tricking and all that. And Americans are just like, just doing it. Just like. It's kind of boring. I like. I like the process. I mean, everyone hates me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely incredible, Hans. Amazing stuff.

[D Madness]

It's kind of sad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. I know. It's fun. He's that guy. He is that guy.

[D Madness]

He's going to hang himself with a green belt, karate Belt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a karate joke. No doubt about it. Woman president. This is all true. Have you heard this week that she's drunk all the time? This is a new thing that I've. I don't know if it's just coming up on my Twitter feed.

[Hans Kim]

It's like, wine mom drunk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Hans Kim]

Soccer mom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. And it kind of makes sense. It seems like that could possibly be true. It explains a lot. Have you heard this theory?

[Hans Kim]

No, this is the first time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yeah. There's leaks coming out of her camp that she's drunk, drunk all the time. Which would now win. From now on, when you see her and all the videos of her speaking makes perfect sense. Breaking news. The person who's in second place on all the polls to be president seems to be drunk all the time. But, you know, I mean, it's up for us to decide when you hit the polls in November, who you want. You know what I mean? No big deal. It's all your choice.

[D Madness]

Hans, are you gonna vote? Can you vote?

[Hans Kim]

Yeah, I can vote. Not near a school, but I can vote.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hansi, you're a great, great person to get the show started. You did it again with a punchy new minute. Thank you, guys. There he goes, the great Hans Kim. And now to the bucket we go. As you know, this is where shit gets crazy. This is where we discover new comedians. It's where we find crazy people. Anything can happen. These people wait all day for this. Their odds are literally 1 in 300. And here we go. It begins with the comedy stylings of Ben Williams. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ben Williams. Here he is.

[Ben Williams]

I hope y' all doing good, man. Cause I'm not. Cause somebody backstage, he called me Welvin the Great, AKA Deez. Nuts guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ha.

[Ben Williams]

Got him, you know. And that made it worse. Cause yesterday, this dude, he got mad. Cause I didn't give him a dollar. So he called me a great value. Dave Chappelle. I was like, I'm broke, nigga. I'm broke. And that's crazy. Cause if Dave Chappelle heard that, he'll probably be like, that sounds like something Ike would say. But that's Austin for you, man. Like, they say, keep Austin weird. I say, keep it the fuck away from me. This dude, he asked me, can he borrow my lighter? So I give him the lighter. This motherfucker start burning himself with it. I get further down the street, this dude, he got his shirt off. He got garbage bags around his hand. He beating the fuck out this tree. And I just Wanted to know, like, what was the root of the problem? I'm pretty sure everybody heard the news about Donald Trump getting shot, and it wasn't news to me because in my neighborhood, everybody gets shot. My dad got shot, and nobody cared, not even me. And I'm the one who shot him. Thank y', all. Ben Williams. Thank y' all so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. A minute 15 from Ben Williams. You've been on this show before, Ben?

[Ben Williams]

Yes, sir. It's my fourth time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fourth time? That's right. I couldn't possibly forget a smile like that that you have. Those teeth are really something else.

[Ben Williams]

That's a badass vest you got on, too, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, thank you. We're complimenting each other. This is great. We're going tit for tat on compliments

[Ben Williams]

for when you drown in that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Yeah. And so that you don't shoot me.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's bulletproof and a flotation device. I love how you laugh like you're crying. Has anyone told you that. That you look like you're crying when you laugh?

[Ben Williams]

Nah, you the first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, there you go.

[Ben Williams]

You the first dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. It's all happening here tonight, Ben. I noticed you kept glancing at me to see if I was laughing throughout your set. In between each joke, you glanced at me. Tell me why you did that.

[Ben Williams]

Nah, I wasn't glancing at you. You must have been looking at me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was. I was looking at you. You are correct.

[Ben Williams]

You like what you see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Currently hosting the show, and you realize there's video cameras everywhere that will have you glancing at me in between the jokes. I'm not wrong.

[Ben Williams]

No, I was looking at that dude, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Nope. I literally. We made eye contact. I even saw you out of my peripheral when I was taking a note. Glance in between jokes when you weren't glancing at me. It's all on record.

[Ben Williams]

I was looking at mad dude. I was looking at again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. I used to be a little sexy right here. What I'm seeing, you weren't looking at Matt. You were looking right at me. So now.

[Brian Cook]

No, no, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't take all the glances.

[Brian Says]

Jealous.

[Todd Royce]

He's jealous, guys.

[Ben Williams]

He is jealous. It's enough for me to go around. It's okay, guys. It's all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true.

[Ernest Evans]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's enough teeth for everyone. It is very amazing. Have you ever been to a dentist, Ben?

[Ben Williams]

Yes, I've been to a dentist.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do they say when they see those things? What do they say?

[Ben Williams]

They say I have a great smile.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They have to Say that before or after 9 11, everybody. Red, red man's here tonight for a little comic relief. Would you like to explain that? Are you just gonna let that one.

[Ben Williams]

Give him one more. Give me one more.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tennis, was it before or after 9 11?

[Ben Williams]

That, that long ago?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never mind. There you go, 2001. There it is, there it is. Even Ben looks confused over there. It's like, what the fuck?

[Ben Williams]

No, I'm a living. Got that Joe Biden over there. I don't know what's going on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Redbird. Today's Thursday. It's Thursday. Oh my goodness. I love it. How long you been on stand up?

[Ben Williams]

It's been a year and three months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ben Williams]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Good shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Ben Williams]

First time I did this is four months. I was. First time I got on, I had been doing this four months. So a big chunk of that been in Austin, Texas. Shout out to you weird motherfuckers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[Ben Williams]

Originally I'm from Galveston. Galveston, Texas, it's like outside of Houston? Yeah, like still Texas? Yeah. It's three hours away. But where I'm from, don't nobody go nowhere. My mom was like, you on your own? It's three hours away. She'll never come here to see me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[William Montgomery]

For work?

[Ben Williams]

I do day Labor. Day Labor. Doing day labor like that. How you picking up trash sometimes, like off the highway. They have you doing certain construction jobs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This community service?

[Ben Williams]

No, it's not a million service. It's work for hire. It's work for hire.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know you do like stand up Home Depot or something?

[Ben Williams]

Yeah, I work with a lot of Hispanics. People shout out to my Hispanic population.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You do stand outside?

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. That's a way to get the crowd on your side when. When shouting out Austin doesn't work. Just go right for the Hispanics 100% of the time. There are a lot of them and they continue to reproduce absolutely non stop. It is a real problem. Do the right thing in November when you hit the polls. So Ben, you literally stand outside of a Home Depot, like with those people kind of, right? Sometimes.

[Ben Williams]

No, I don't, I don't stand outside.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how do you get. How do you get work as a day laborer? I'm just curious.

[Ben Williams]

Okay. They have a lot of places you can go to do day labor and stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

To go to places like what kind of places?

[D Madness]

Like and such as.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm sorry.

[Ben Williams]

Damn. It's one of the things I'm gonna get off stage. Like it hits you in the fucking head. But like what?

[D Madness]

No one's gonna hit you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I promise.

[D Madness]

No one's gonna hit you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. No one's gonna hit you?

[Ben Williams]

Like, people ready? I can't think of the name of the place. That's what I'm saying.

[D Madness]

It's like the marketplace.

[Ben Williams]

It's like the. I know the building. You know how you get here? They be like, you looking for jobs? They like. They do day labor here, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's like pulling teeth up here with you. I gotta tell you, it is unbelievable. It is incredible. What do you do for fun, Ben?

[Ben Williams]

Oh, I do for fun. Like, I like to do music.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean by music? What do you mean when you say you like to do music, what does that mean exactly?

[Ben Williams]

I rap.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You rap?

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. How many you want to hear? Ben, give us a little rap right now. He could not even remember where he works a minute ago, and now he's going to freestyle rap for us. This should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben William.

[Ben Williams]

Quit that job. I'm my own boss never take a loss Got big teeth but yeah, I floss bad hoes and I keep it real I might pull my dick out and put it on her grill. What's my name? They call me Ben Will and y' all know every day that I'm finna kill. This is kill. Tony, this the best show, and if you don't like this shit, you a fucking ho.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. The crowd goes wild. Oh,

[D Madness]

I'm calling Nick Cannon immediately.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That was amazing.

[D Madness]

Open with that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's crazy. A full celebration afterwards. You lifted up your shirt for a second looking like burnt Kreischer.

[Ben Williams]

That was a good one. That was a good one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did good, Ben. Did you get a big joke book ever on any.

[Brian Says]

I did.

[Ben Williams]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did. Hey, Ben, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. There you go. He just got booked for a real comedy show. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Williams. This is Kill Tony and our next bucket pull. Anything can happen. The show is cooking. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. We're here. We are live. We are live. And your next comedian getting the opportunity of a lifetime goes by the name of Austin Ingles, everybody. Austin Ingles. Here we go. Excellent for Austin, everyone. How we doing, everybody?

[Austin Ingles]

I followed Ben dozens of times. He's never gotten a fucking pop like that before.

[Ben Williams]

Holy shit.

[Austin Ingles]

That's impressive.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Austin Ingles]

I didn't think anything would ever be as awkward as of my dad handed me my first condom. That experience is nothing Compared to what happened the other day. I was over my friend's house. As I was leaving, he handed me boner pills. Blue Chews, to be exact. He said, these blue chews are the greatest thing ever. They always work. I said, yeah, why do you think I'm leaving? You're hard right now. I just hate when those commercials say if your erection lasts longer than four hours, you gotta go see a doctor.

[William Montgomery]

Great.

[Austin Ingles]

Now I have to go fuck him too. I have a friend who's a doctor, and every year he offers me free prostate exams. And I should take him up on it, but he's an optometrist. No wonder I keep getting pink eye. I'm from the Midwest, so I'm from a small blue collar family. My mom was especially blue collar. Even a little redneck only because my dad couldn't stop choking her.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, everybody.

[Austin Ingles]

I'm Austin Ingles.

[Ben Williams]

Give yourselves a hand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin Ingalls, you say give yourself a hand.

[Justin Governale]

I might have.

[Hans Kim]

I'm a little.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in it right now. This is your first time on the show?

[Austin Ingles]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Cook]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

[Austin Ingles]

About three years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three years? We're at. Yep.

[Austin Ingles]

Illinois, originally. Then I moved here like two months ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You say Illinois, which would imply that it's not exactly Chicago.

[Austin Ingles]

Peoria, illinois.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh, Peoria. 45 minutes of both Kinnison and Richard Pryor. Yep. Amazing. And then there's you. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

[Austin Ingles]

I set myself up for that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, I actually just came up with it. You didn't really set yourself up. I asked you a question, you gave me the information, then I made that joke. You set? Yeah. Nothing up. I did that. Austin. You live in Austin now?

[Austin Ingles]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

For how long?

[Austin Ingles]

Two months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two months. Do you love it yet?

[Austin Ingles]

I do. I'm a door guy at Maggie Mays.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, nice.

[Austin Ingles]

Right across the street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nice. They're doing a little bit of comedy over there too, right?

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah. Just had a set there and then fucking ran off stage and heard my name got called, so, boom.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome to Austin. Austin.

[Austin Ingles]

Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. And I love it. You work there? You making a living?

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You're able to survive. What's your living situation?

[Austin Ingles]

Well, I have two roommates in Pflugerville, so I got a little bit of a drive.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boy, oh, boy.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Silent Matt, if you ask someone from Pflugerville, they'll tell you 15 minutes, but it's really 26 minutes.

[Austin Ingles]

That's actually exactly fucking true. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Austin, why are you so surprised of my control and masterful execution. I know it's 26 minutes. Matt, what do you think about this young buck do?

[D Madness]

You're funny, man. The redneck joke was fucking hilarious. I haven't been good like original white trash abuse joke in a very long time.

[Brian Says]

Appreciate.

[D Madness]

Should start your Netflix special with one. My best advice. Best possible advice.

[Austin Ingles]

I'm not gonna lie to you. I lied. Right when your Netflix special came out, I was like headlining in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and I said you were gonna be there and like six girls came and they're like, where's Matt? And so six. Only six?

[D Madness]

I fell off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopefully things pick up soon for you, Matt. I'm hoping so. I'm hoping so.

[D Madness]

You're very funny, dude. What do your roommates do?

[Austin Ingles]

What are my roommates do? One of them is a comic too, and then the other one is in like, tech, and so he doesn't do comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How does the other comic make money?

[Austin Ingles]

I don't know. I hear him like. I've heard him like three times. Mrs. Alarm. So I close it. Maggie's at like three, and then I hear him at 6:00am oh, I've heard it like four times. Just missing his alarm, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Austin Ingles]

I think he works at a restaurant, but. But I couldn't tell you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[D Madness]

I feel like the tech guy's just claiming them as dependents.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[Austin Ingles]

The tech guy is also our landlord, so. Yeah. You're probably not wrong.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

With your landlord.

[Austin Ingles]

I didn't agree to that when I moved here, so.

[William Montgomery]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. You live with the Lord.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. It's packed into a little manger. Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[D Madness]

How old are you?

[Austin Ingles]

30.

[Ernest Evans]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[D Madness]

No, I mean, I don't have a beard, so that's why I was upset.

[Austin Ingles]

It's not great. I have blonde hair and a red beard, so I. I don't like it.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What's up with that?

[Austin Ingles]

I don't know. I couldn't tell you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's interesting.

[D Madness]

I know who he's voting for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, for sure. Someone could use a tax break. Anyway, what do you do for fun?

[Austin Ingles]

Just comedy, pretty much. Like I said, I'm new here, so.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Other than comedy, do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I mean, even Ben with the teeth wrapped.

[Justin Governale]

Have I.

[Brian Says]

What?

[Austin Ingles]

Sorry?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ben with the teeth was. Had the ability to wrap.

[Austin Ingles]

Oh, yeah, I've heard.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[Austin Ingles]

I've heard his sets before. It's not usually. Doesn't go like that pop version you mentioned.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That you took. You took literally 15 of your set to mention that. Ben never does that. Good. You really threw him under the.

[Austin Ingles]

I feel good about it. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So there must be some hobby.

[Austin Ingles]

I love smoking weed. I love taking mushrooms. You know, just the classic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you like to do when you do those things?

[Austin Ingles]

Well, back home there was, like, a lot of trails, and I haven't found them here yet. I'm sure there's a bunch in Austin and fl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a fully developed place, so.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah, I haven't traveled a lot outside of 6th street, you know, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You're just hopping around Pflugerville.

[Austin Ingles]

Absolutely.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Going to the old Long John Silver's or whatever out there.

[D Madness]

Where's. Where's the best. Best hiking trail for him to check out around Austin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's the green belt. I do believe it's called that. I've been. Oh, the one.

[D Madness]

Hans is gonna hang himself. Oh,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That worked out. God damn. I don't know how that organic callback happened. That was incredible. The very rare accidental callback.

[D Madness]

I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[D Madness]

Thanks, dog. One person. One person.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I feel like I'm missing something about you, Austin Ingles. There's something. Something I can't quite put. What's your love life like?

[Austin Ingles]

It's actually great working at Maggie Maze. The drunk women literally just flocked you.

[Brian Cook]

So.

[Austin Ingles]

Gotten laid alone three times on that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. So have you ever had sex with a sober woman before?

[Todd Royce]

Yes.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But give us an example. Like, when you say they come out, they stumble like.

[Todd Royce]

Name?

[Austin Ingles]

You want me to name my girlfriend?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Girlfriend.

[Austin Ingles]

No. I mean, my ex is. No. Yeah, I. Screw.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. We don't need names.

[Austin Ingles]

No. Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? You ever give them the. What color are your pubes, by the way? That's a good blonde top. Red beard. I'm guessing purple pubes.

[Austin Ingles]

They're a little, like little orange tint to them, but not. I like to keep it landscape. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gross.

[Austin Ingles]

I'm a fucking ginger bead. I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. Like a court.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Little orange hairs. Look at you.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[Ernest Evans]

Cute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like a whole produce section at a grocery store over here. Citrus area. I love it. Austin.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[Austin Ingles]

Like three years ago, I saw you guys. You and Red Bandit. Vulcan. You guys are doing a secret show. So it's pretty crazy. It's like three years to the day, so pretty wild.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've been doing comedy for 17 years. It could have said anything.

[William Montgomery]

Marked the date.

[Austin Ingles]

I mean, you got Snapchat memories and. Right. They just pop.

[D Madness]

No, you're 30,

[William Montgomery]

God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're supposed to have Facebook memories, dude.

[Austin Ingles]

God damn it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But welcome to the show Austin. You're out doing the Hustle in Austin tonight. Here's a little joke book. Take that.

[Austin Ingles]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And sign up again. We'll see you again.

[Austin Ingles]

Appreciate you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You know, we've been all over the world and. And we were in, I do believe, Portland, Oregon, about, about maybe four, five, six years ago, and we gave away one of our first ever Golden Tickets to a man, funny man. And he's here. He flew in today. Here with the new 60 seconds, I present to you, golden ticket winner, Todd Royce. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Todd Royce.

[Todd Royce]

Fuck yeah. I've been married for 17 years, and when you're together for a long time like that, you wanna start doing new things in bed. Like, she's learned she should definitely be on top. But we try new things now. Like, I try to be more romantic. She's trying to fuck black guys. The other night, she asked me to choke her. You can't choke your wife of 17 years because you might not stop. It's true. We don't have any children. I don't know what I could possibly teach a kid. I don't know anything about science or history or portion control. I don't know. I do know that if I had a kid, I would teach them that no matter what they identify with, they don't have to conform to all of the rules of that group. Like, someone who's like, oh, I'm a white liberal, but I don't have to use race in every conversation I have. Or someone who's like, I'm trans, but I don't have to be fucking annoying about it. Or, I'm Catholic and I'm not even attracted to children. Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Todd Royce, that's the golden ticket winner. Great jokes. Thanks the whole way through. Just as always. As you've always done before, Todd.

[Todd Royce]

Thank you, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Much like the show, you are bigger than ever.

[Todd Royce]

I, I, I am a large man. I, I am a very large man. You were asking him what color his pubes are.

[Justin Governale]

I don't know.

[Todd Royce]

Maybe you can tell me later, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you son of a batch, you. You son of a bitch. Oh, Heidi's doing the drums with that. You traitor. This is treason. Oh, you've turned my own people against me. Oh, my goodness gracious. How's it going, Todd?

[Todd Royce]

It's Going great, man. I got a new podcast. I'm throwing that out there right now. If anybody wants to follow that, subscribe to that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do? Review food?

[Todd Royce]

I do. It's called the Sweet Potato Pod and it really is. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is it really?

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That's so fitting.

[Todd Royce]

Thank you. Yeah. Well, listen, I'm a health nut and I like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, so fitting. Just like your massive clothing.

[Todd Royce]

I'm wearing my skinny jeans.

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Absolutely. Look at you. You are just a big old boy.

[Todd Royce]

I'm just a big old.

[Brian Says]

I.

[Todd Royce]

You know, I was here a month ago and I lost two. Well, I've lost one pound since then, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on. Wow. Amazing.

[Todd Royce]

You Getting there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Slow and steady.

[Todd Royce]

Even D. Mattis can see how light I am now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Nope. Yep. So remind me, what do you do for work again?

[Todd Royce]

Just this, actually. No, I'm just doing comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. Full time.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good shit. Yeah. Seven people are applauding. Everyone else is like, really?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. No, it is amazing. Yeah, yeah. It's a full time job.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, it. It really is. I. I've got a bunch of shows in Las Vegas. I'm actually working with Hans Kim there in October. I'm doing Skank Fest in September.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Todd Royce]

I'm doing Boston in. In November if anybody.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Javier Ramirez]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boston. Preparing for its first clam chowder shortage.

[Todd Royce]

Ooh, I do love clam chowder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet you do. I bet you do. Unbelievable. What does your wife do when she's not plunging the toilet? Remind me again what she does when she's not vacuuming Doritos off the floor. It's absolutely incredible.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When she's not. When she's not trying to find a place to sleep at night. Remind me when she's not. Another one. When she's not at the grocery store continuously reloading the refrigerator, which is her nickname for you, is absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do when she. It is absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do?

[Todd Royce]

She.

[Ben Williams]

Wow.

[Todd Royce]

And that's coming from Red Band. I need to get my life together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band, Meat, Bread Pan. This is incredible. So much about you.

[Todd Royce]

Are you gonna introduce me to Matt Rife?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, this is Matt Rife.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah. Hey, Matt. I'm Fat Rife. Nice to meet you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom Boom. I've.

[D Madness]

I've heard of you, man. I heard you got your golden ticket from a chocolate bar.

[Austin Ingles]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's fucking go. Absolutely.

[Ben Williams]

You're great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're great.

[Ben Williams]

You're great.

[D Madness]

Great tits.

[Todd Royce]

Thanks, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great Tits.

[Todd Royce]

Hey, Matt.

[D Madness]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a seizure. Whoa.

[Todd Royce]

Eye contact, Matt. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. The old shake and bake.

[Todd Royce]

That's right. Yeah. What's that? Was that Riggs?

[D Madness]

That's great.

[Todd Royce]

Oh, thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. You're welcome. Imagine how big those pecs underneath there must.

[Todd Royce]

I'm a man, dude.

[D Madness]

You're a couple of men.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love how you take these jokes. Such pro wrestler energies. I remember you used to be a pro wrestler. Do you still dabble in that at all?

[D Madness]

No way.

[Todd Royce]

No. I used to for 18 years, but no, I don't anymore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the knees.

[D Madness]

What was your wrestler name?

[Todd Royce]

I was the American Wet Dream.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, my God.

[Todd Royce]

Breaking bodies and banging hotties.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Didn't he break a table on the show once?

[Todd Royce]

I did. I put Joelberg through a table once. Yeah, no, I did. Yeah. I slammed Jeremiah Watch Watkins on stage once. I fed Luis J. Gomez my kidney stone.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was your kidney stone? Shut up.

[Todd Royce]

I figured the only way I can top myself tonight is Rape Red Band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, look at that. That will be a little show called Breaking Bed. You too? Fucking would. I mean, just.

[Todd Royce]

It's pretty hot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Incredible. I thought I was into Japanese massage porn. Over here. Something for everybody here tonight. What else is going on, Todd? Anything else crazy going on in your life?

[Todd Royce]

What else is going on? Not. I mean, not a whole lot. Just living in Vegas. I love it there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Todd Royce]

Love getting on the road. I love. Yeah, one person loves Las Vegas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Says]

You don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you love about Vegas other than the all you can eat buffets?

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, it's mostly. Yeah, well, you can eat buffets. Yeah, there's a lot of that. There's a lot of. There's a lot of food.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wait, you are in Vegas now. You're the sphere

[William Montgomery]

now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember. That's amazing.

[Todd Royce]

How fucking dumb am I? That when you got all excited like that, I was like, oh, he remembers. Tony remembers where I am.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's so sad. No, I don't. That was. That was just my brain working.

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Ben Williams]

No, it's good. It's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, Todd. Amazing.

[Todd Royce]

D Madness. Just got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, he did. D Madness is on a delay sometimes here.

[Todd Royce]

This is one of the first times that I've done Kill Tony in Austin. And I remember the first time I did it. I actually. I saw Deep Madness and I thought that Jeremiah Watkins was just taking a wild swing with his character. No, but. Okay, nevermind.

[D Madness]

It's funny.

[Todd Royce]

We can cut that one out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks, man. There you go. Todd, you are just awesome. We love you. And to be able to have you here for one of your, you know, last performances alive on the planet, you know, we're going to really, you know, but we love you that you just keep kicking non stop and we'll see you in Las Vegas.

[Todd Royce]

All right, Sounds good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Todd Royce, ladies and gentlemen, golden ticket winner as seen by the strong set, the amazing interview those guys do not around and who knows anybody can get it here. This is where we found all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. And back to the bucket we go, as I introduce to you Ernest Evans. Sizz. It says Ernest Evans. Siz. Here he is. Ernest Evans.

[Ernest Evans]

Man, my name sucked growing up as a kid. Ernest. Cause you meet a nigga named ernest in his 40s, come with goddamn two divorces, drive around and a gray beard. Nigga's name Ernest come out. The pussy or uncle giving bad advice. Go ahead, jump off that bridge. It ain't gonna hurt. Because how many kids you know right now named Ernest? None. I had to have a son and name him after me just so I can say I know another nigga named Ernest. But my son hates that name. He's like, dad, how come you can name anything black or urban ethnic like Jamal, Keandre or Deontay? I said simple, son. Them niggas don't get hired. I'm Ernest Evans, senior man. Appreciate y'.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All. There you go. Exactly 59 seconds. What a pro. Ernest Evans. That says Sizz. Is that right?

[Ernest Evans]

The senior man. They came right back there, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Ernest Evans]

They came right back there. Senior, Senior.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Senior.

[Ernest Evans]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Gotcha. Yeah. That's an sr. All right. You wrote it.

[Ernest Evans]

I did, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why did you blame it on somebody else? The fuck was that?

[Ernest Evans]

I did. I passed the buck quick. My bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. Ernest, welcome to the show.

[Ernest Evans]

Downloading.

[D Madness]

What I was trying to figure out. When you have a junior, do you have to give yourself the senior title?

[Ernest Evans]

You don't have to, you just wanted to. I did.

[Justin Governale]

I like that.

[Ernest Evans]

I can't have him taking credit for all the shit I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. He doesn't want your rap sheet.

[Ernest Evans]

I ain't never been to jail, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? I thought I saw that movie Ernest Goes to Jail.

[Ernest Evans]

Well,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. So, Ernest, I love your style. How old are you?

[Ernest Evans]

44.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

44. How long you been on standup?

[Ernest Evans]

Two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two years? What made you start at 42?

[Ernest Evans]

Man, I was in the army for a while and, you know, I was in Charge of a lot of soldiers. And we was in some precarious situations. Shit just sucked, man. So I always try to make every situation light, tell jokes. So that's how I got done.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. I love it. I love it. You were in the army?

[Ernest Evans]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were deployed a lot, I'm sure. Twice, yeah. Where at?

[Ernest Evans]

Afghanistan. Both times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ernest Evans]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Afghanistan. You saw a lot of shit. Oh, yep. A lot of fans of Afghanistan.

[Ernest Evans]

I seen a couple of these motherfuckers over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, there are a lot of Afghanis. There's one right there. Look at this guy. Nervous. Oh, yeah, we got one.

[Ernest Evans]

Get her, Matt.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fellow soldier Matt R. Over here holding

[D Madness]

his shirt like this cuz the vest. Couldn't breathe. That was right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sometimes we would send Matt and deploy Matt to Afghanistan to make the enemies come in their pants. So there you go. Thank you. So, Ernest, what's it like being back in America?

[Ernest Evans]

Where do you live in North Austin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

North Austin. I love it. A lot of North Austiners here today. I love it. What do you do now?

[Ernest Evans]

I work for the state.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. The state of Texas.

[Ernest Evans]

Oh, I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. We all love Texas here very much. Is this where you're from?

[Ernest Evans]

No, I'm from a small town called Rockdale, about 45 minutes north of here.

[Martin Phillips]

Okay.

[Ernest Evans]

Thorndale, Taylor. Rockdale.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Yeah. All right.

[Ernest Evans]

Oh, somebody from Rockdale in this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what is it?

[D Madness]

I drove through it. Yeah. Can I ask what you did in the army?

[Ernest Evans]

I was a Blackhawk crew chief.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A what?

[Ernest Evans]

Have to be, uh, 60 Blackhawk crew chief. Nah, man, that's the best job in the army, man.

[D Madness]

Would you actually fly the helicopters?

[Ernest Evans]

No, I was a crew chief. I sat in the back. Mechanic, worked on it, did a lot of missions like. So when the helicopter flew.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, they made you sit in the back? What the hell? Oh my.

[Ernest Evans]

It'd be like that sometimes, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh my.

[Ernest Evans]

But the back was the best, man. That's why all the went down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, tell us about it. What would go down in the back of the helicopter?

[Ernest Evans]

So flying Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, Washington Reds skin cheerleaders. All this. So I mean, we didn't only just deploy shooting and do missions. We have some fun shit too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn, look at you just chilling with cheerleaders in the back of a chopper. Okay, that doesn't make any sense there, Red Bear. Come on. I love it, I love it. Well, thank you for your service. That is incredible. What does Junior do? What is he up to?

[Ernest Evans]

He's a junior in high school. Yeah, 11th. 11th grade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's a junior. That's a junior.

[Ernest Evans]

That's a junior. 11th grade.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My goodness. Absolutely incredible. What's he into?

[Ernest Evans]

Gaming. Fucking PlayStation. Oculus.

[D Madness]

Do you let him play Call of Duty?

[Ernest Evans]

Yeah, he does.

[D Madness]

How realistic is the game compared to your experience?

[Ernest Evans]

Totally different. Something different than what I did?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. I've never played the level where you're just chilling with cheerleaders.

[Ernest Evans]

Maybe I should have said the call of booty.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am I right?

[Ernest Evans]

That's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Ernest Evans]

I even trademark that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Ernest Evans]

Fly some naked all over Afghanistan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Ernest Evans]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's go. What do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? You have any hobbies or anything?

[Ernest Evans]

Yeah, I fish, man. Take the kids fishing. Like camping and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, yeah.

[Ernest Evans]

Just chill out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. I love that. Absolutely. And you have a wife?

[D Madness]

Girlfriend?

[Ernest Evans]

Yeah, I'm married, man. My wife, Michelle, we just had a new baby. She nine months old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, now, hell.

[Ernest Evans]

Hey, man, don't clap for that. I ain't got no sleep in nine months. Goddamn. We beefing right now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you beefing about?

[Ernest Evans]

I can't get no sleep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, she doesn't wake up and take care of the baby, man.

[Ernest Evans]

It's 2024, man. We share. We share partnerships.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it sucks living in 2020 folk. I hate 2020 folk.

[Ernest Evans]

You gotta share some shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I be hating that, Ernest. I don't know what's gotten into me here. Feeling a little too cozy here with my good friend Ernest.

[Ernest Evans]

I'm like that, man. That's what I do to people, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You got me talking like you, Earnest.

[Brian Says]

Oh, man,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know what it is. It'd be contagious. Contagious is your new kid's name. Am I correct? Contagious Evans.

[Ernest Evans]

Contagious Evans.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Contagious Evans. Texas A&M. Oh, my God. I love it. You're a funny man.

[Ernest Evans]

I appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been doing a lot of spots

[Ernest Evans]

around town, trying to get on, you know what I'm saying? It's a slow, slow grind. But I'm still, you know, keep my head down and keep telling jokes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's it. You're passionate about it. I am.

[Ernest Evans]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your fucking style. And here is a big joke book from the Great Bonsai Boom. Welcome to the show, Ernest. Sign up again. We'd love to see another minute. The American Dream. Ernest Evans, Sr. Ladies and gentlemen. A hero. That guy. Fighting for our country, Riding around with cheerleaders in a helicopter. What a hero. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. Your next bucket poll, we're gonna Meet them all together. 60 seconds for Justin Govern Alley, ladies and gentlemen. Justin. Governor.

[Justin Governale]

I served in the Marine Corps. Yeah, thank me for my. Thank me for my service, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the fuck, dude?

[Justin Governale]

Fuck him. I served during don't ask, don't tell me. And it changed me, man. Like, I went in as a young, weak boy, and I came out of there as a strong, confident gay man. I wish I could say it was the combat that made me hard, but it wasn't the combat. It was the group showers. If there's any marines out there, I know you got my six. Don't worry, I got your nine, brother. You couldn't be gay and serve in the military, but they'll, like, touch you in the shower. Like, marines will grab your penis. And you're like, hey, it's kind of weird. Feel like I should tell someone, right? So you try and tell your sergeant. You're like, hey, Sergeant Mendoza touched me. And he's like, what? That's crazy.

[Martin Phillips]

Where?

[Justin Governale]

Show me. And I'm like, step, sergeant.

[Todd Royce]

No,

[Justin Governale]

he's like, you know what, Marine? Show me on me where he touched you. That's it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Justin Governale, welcome. This is your first time on the show, right, Justin?

[Justin Governale]

That it is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. How long you been on stand up?

[Justin Governale]

4 and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where are you from?

[Justin Governale]

Laredo, Texas. I live in San Antonio.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live in San Antonio now?

[Justin Governale]

I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And is that true you were in the marines and you're gay?

[Justin Governale]

I mean, it made me gay, you know? No, I'm not gay. I was in the Marine Corps, though. I served.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. Timeout. Hey, flag on the play. Hey, stolen valor. Hey. The whole minute was about you being gay.

[Justin Governale]

No, it's because Marines, dude, you have to. You have to be there to understand it. Like, our humor is just so gay, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I guess that makes me a war hero.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, dude.

[Hans Kim]

Yeah.

[Justin Governale]

Thank you for your service, Tony. Semper fi, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Okay, so you're not gay at all. All we know about you is that you talked about being gay, but you're not gay.

[Justin Governale]

I was a scout sniper in the Marine Corps, right? Served from 2004 to 2008. Went to Iraq two times. Got blown up my first patrol. That was fun, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Explain what happened there. Tell us about.

[Justin Governale]

About that, man. Yeah, it was my first patrol, 2005. I was in Haditha, Iraq. And, dude, it was pretty boring. Like, the whole patrol was, like, pretty damn boring. And I remember thinking to myself, like, man, this is actually pretty boring.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's like a. Like a Motorcade of, like, trucks and stuff, and you're just going over a bunch of sand. Yeah, that's really happening.

[Justin Governale]

Like, my senior Marines were in Fallujah, Right, Right. So the unit we were leaving, they were like, you ready? You ready? And I'm like, what's going on? And then it didn't happen. And he's like, oh, never mind. And then right when he said that, an explosion went off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom.

[Justin Governale]

And he goes, oh, I guess they're running late today. And I, like, sit down in my chair and the Southern Marines, like, welcome to Iraq, Governor. I'm like, oh, fucking. Hey, that's cool, right? You know, whatever. And then nothing happened for, like, four hours. And then on my way back, right when I said, this is actually pretty boring, and I set my rifle on the truck, fucking boom. I blacked out. And then I woke up and I had this, like, whatever guy next to me was bleeding, you know? But it was kind of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay. But. Yeah.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, dude. You're gonna trigger my ptsd, brother. There's men everywhere, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Oh, man.

[Justin Governale]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Justin. Governor. So how long you been doing stand up?

[Justin Governale]

Like, four and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, that's right. I asked you that. Amazing. You have cauliflower year. How'd you get that? Wrestling.

[Justin Governale]

I fought for quite. I'm a black belt in Jiu Jitsu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay.

[Justin Governale]

I am right? It's. What's that? Prove it. See, after the show. See you after class, brother.

[D Madness]

He's gonna. You.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, dude. Did you not hear my entire minute, brother? I got something to prove. Improve. But, yeah, man. Been training 17 years. Black belt and Jiu Jitsu.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[D Madness]

Okay, how tall are you?

[Justin Governale]

Five six On Tinder. But first of all. But I'm five' five, right? When I stretch my spine all the way, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you really five' five?

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

Or did the explosion blow your legs like this?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This guy. Amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So you're on Tinder? You dating right now?

[Justin Governale]

No, I'm not on Tinder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything you say is pretty much a lie.

[Justin Governale]

No, no, I was on Tinder. But I do put five, six. I literally could show you my profile, right? And I'm five, six.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever go on a date from someone on Tinder?

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, I think we all had. Dude, Tinder's trash. Bumble's trash.

[D Madness]

That's not true.

[Justin Governale]

Have I been on a. On a date on Tinder?

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, it. I guess we're here. I'm about to get probably fired from my job, but whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What job?

[Justin Governale]

I. I work in tech.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you're gonna get.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, I'm gonna get fired, dude.

[Todd Royce]

Let's see.

[Justin Governale]

I mean, dude, we've all been on Tinder dates. I. One time I was hooking up with this girl from Tinder. Right? Whatever. It is what it is. I'm. Whatever. Okay, so we're. We're hooking up and we're doing the whole, like, the dirty, like, first time hookup stuff, like, slap, slap, like, tell me you love me. All that crazy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is going on here? We've all been on Tinder dates. We all know it's Tinder, bro.

[Justin Governale]

It's Tinder.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you.

[Justin Governale]

You talking about the war made me crazy, man. No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jesus Christ. Oh, my.

[Justin Governale]

The war me up, brother. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then she starts a girl on a first date.

[Justin Governale]

It was consensual, Right?

[Brian Says]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She asked for it.

[Justin Governale]

But yeah, we're.

[Javier Ramirez]

We're.

[Justin Governale]

We're going at it, right? And then, you know, you start saying crazy stuff, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Justin Governale]

Like, how many guys from the Internet have you. Huh? You.

[D Madness]

You know, that's what she's asking him.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, no, I'm asking her. Yeah, she's asking me.

[Brian Says]

But.

[Justin Governale]

But then, then she's like. But then, like, it's like a rhetorical question, you know, she's like, you really want to know? Do you really want to know? And I'm like, yeah, I'm figuring like four or five, whatever, right? And she's like, you really want to know? I'm like, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And she's like, so many.

[Justin Governale]

And I was like, oh, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Yeah.

[Justin Governale]

And then whatever. I finish or whatever. And then.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that's.

[Justin Governale]

That's 100. A real story. Like. Nah, swear on my life, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[D Madness]

How many was so many?

[Justin Governale]

I don't know, but it was hot,

[D Madness]

you know, It'll be so many to you. Like, how many would be enough that

[Justin Governale]

you're like, ah, I honestly don't care, dude, if I'm being real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you wearing a condom at the time?

[Justin Governale]

Yeah. 100.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you wearing a condom with this girl?

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, well, yeah. And it doesn't matter.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, it doesn't count. You know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It matters.

[Justin Governale]

You're just a human, like all the

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

marines at that point.

[Justin Governale]

What's that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're just human dildo at that point?

[Justin Governale]

Nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Justin Governale]

I stopped though, man. I haven't. Haven't had sex since like, July 5th.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. What the happened on July 4th? Oh, my God.

[D Madness]

I think he told us

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

somebody red, white, and blue. What the happened July.

[Justin Governale]

No, I just. I'm just taking a break in general. Right. Because it gets you in trouble, dude.

[Ben Williams]

Mean.

[Justin Governale]

No, it gets you in trouble, dude.

[D Madness]

Breaks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's up?

[D Madness]

Dudes don't take breaks.

[Justin Governale]

I was just promiscuous for so long, I got, like, tired of it.

[D Madness]

Like, actually, you got so much. You got tired.

[Justin Governale]

No, I'm not. I don't want to be that guy. Like, yo, I got all the time, right.

[Austin Ingles]

It just.

[Justin Governale]

It creates problems, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't want to be that guy. But you talked about being gay, which you're not. Yeah. So you want to be that guy.

[Justin Governale]

I mean, it's the bit, man. It's the bit, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, dude.

[Justin Governale]

Thank me. Thank me for my service, dude.

[D Madness]

Thank you for your service.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Justin Governale]

I'm kidding.

[D Madness]

Still mention it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Justin. Well, I mean, very, very interesting guy. You have any special skills or talents or anything?

[Justin Governale]

I'm a survivalist. I was on Naked and Afraid for

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

really sort of good.

[Justin Governale]

I did two seasons.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was your name Justin Governalle on the show?

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, Justin Governall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I swear on my life. I want to see this guy's cock. Here we go. Govern Alley. Here's the part where we get to watch. There's the typo. Ali. Oh, my God. There you are. Oh, my God. Wow. You are more afraid than naked in this one. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. Oh, wait, you're Michael Gonzalez.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, that is incredible. Wow, look at that. There he is.

[Justin Governale]

I lost 38 pounds.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[Justin Governale]

I got everything done up right here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Absolutely incredible. Michael, he's you. You step. Short hair and a beard.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah, dude.

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did a Mexican and afraid.

[Justin Governale]

The. The first one Mexican. Yeah. Half Mexican and afraid, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's the other half? Gay. But I'm not gay.

[D Madness]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here's a little joke book. There he goes.

[Hans Kim]

Justin.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Governor, thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, where it is indeed time for one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, fresh off of msg. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only Cam Patterson.

[Ben Williams]

I was in Kansas City on Wednesday. I love Kansas City. It's my favorite place on earth. They have really good barbecue in Kansas City. Patrick Mahomes is black as hell. Taylor Swift got a fat ass, and I love it. I also was in Chicago this weekend. No gun violence at all. I loved it. The bean was beautiful. I'm done. All right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That's fucking fun. Little something different. Hostage situation. Well, you were reading all of that off of a W9 tax form. That's incredible.

[Ben Williams]

That's why I was shaking. I was really scared the whole time. I gotta pay taxes now. I thought I was up. Bitch, I'm broke as hell. This shit.

[Brian Says]

This shit not fun.

[Ben Williams]

I'm going to jail.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam Patterson, you've done it again. A very fun, experimental out of the box minute for you. How's life going, Cam?

[Todd Royce]

It's good.

[Ben Williams]

Hell yeah, it's good.

[Javier Ramirez]

It's been fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How was Chicago? For real?

[Ben Williams]

Chicago was actually pretty cool. The bean was fucking stupid. That was dumb in here. That's the dumbest. Let's make a mirror look like a bean. They gonna love it. That's dumb as. I hated that. That was stupid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the bean?

[Ben Williams]

The bean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Big like metallic Terminator thing. Glob in the middle of downtown.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah, they got a bean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago. Yeah, it's like all mirrors.

[Ben Williams]

You've never heard of the bean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You all have heard of this. How the.

[Ben Williams]

It's a pretty huge, huge thing, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

B, E, A N. Yeah, a bean.

[Hans Kim]

Bean.

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the. Are you guys.

[D Madness]

You've never seen that?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. What the. Is going on? The arch, man.

[Todd Royce]

It's the same.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You gotta be kidding me.

[Ben Williams]

You've never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've never heard of this or seen it or referenced it or anything. D Madness is laughing at me. How the. Have you seen the beat? There's no way. You know what the fuck is going on right now. This is like a simulation or something.

[Ben Williams]

How the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Has the bean avoided me and I've avoided the bean. We'll be right back. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable. This is. That's crazy.

[D Madness]

What do you do when you're in Chicago?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I don't know. I do shows. I eat pizza. I. I fly away. Chicago's just a. I mean, you know, shout out to the fans, but I get in, I get out, I get back, and then I gotta go flick the bean.

[Ben Williams]

You gotta go touch it. You gotta go touch that bean.

[D Madness]

Don't touch it. It's filthy.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah, My dog spit on it. Your dog spit on my homeboy was just mad. Oh, ok. Ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Ben Williams]

I mean, not. Yeah, the bean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The bean.

[D Madness]

Touch your dog. Okay, okay, Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe this.

[Ben Williams]

That's crazy. You've never seen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can't believe there's anything that exists that I don't know about.

[Ben Williams]

That's. It's just. It's stupid, though. It's dumb.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, it was a crackhead there.

[Ben Williams]

That nigga was like. He was Fucking with us. Cause we was like. We were just doing a bunch of dumb shit around it. And then he was just dead legging people for no reason.

[D Madness]

Just kicking him in the back of the knee.

[Ben Williams]

In the back of.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fine.

[Ben Williams]

Just be like, fuck you, gay ass nigga. And walking off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Ben Williams]

And he was Mexican, so I was confused. But I wasn't gonna tell him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Damn.

[Ben Williams]

I wasn't gonna tell him at all. Like, you in the right, brother. You do what you do. Have a good day. You enjoy yourself. You having a good time right now? He was like. He was having a great time. I loved it. It was pretty funny to. They were pretty funny to me. I liked it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And you were also in Kansas City. Yeah.

[Ben Williams]

That place is terrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes, it is.

[Ben Williams]

That's a horrible place. That's a horrible place. It really is the reason I wanted to do that shit with a hot situation. Cause, like, at the show, I was like, I'm only here for like a day. What should I do? And everybody was like, go get barbecue. And I was like, nigga, I live in Texas. What the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And they were like, boo, right?

[Ben Williams]

Why the fuck would I go here to get barbecue, nigga, that place.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a different barbecue there, though.

[Ben Williams]

It is. It's good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Like, different places have different barbecues. Okay, Fat ass n play.

[Martin Phillips]

Exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Red band just puts barbecue sauce on anything and it makes it delicious. It's not. They don't compete or compare with our barbecue. I got a word for you afterwards. What?

[Ben Williams]

This is gonna call me a nigga in his mind.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long is that fucking bean been there? I wanna. This is blowing.

[D Madness]

Say like 60 years.

[Ben Williams]

It's been there a long time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you serious?

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

I can't believe you've never seen it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

2006. Oh, okay.

[Ben Williams]

Well, not 60 years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, all right. All right.

[Ben Williams]

That was off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

18 years. Why is the bean in Chicago famous? Let's click on this real quick.

[Ben Williams]

I watched it. There's no reason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Weird looking bean.

[D Madness]

Podcast pie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Bean pie? Yeah.

[D Madness]

You've never had bean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is going on?

[Ben Williams]

No, no, you're not wrong. What the is that?

[D Madness]

You know what bean pie is?

[Ben Williams]

Look at me.

[D Madness]

It's a. It's. It's. It's a black thing.

[Ben Williams]

For real?

[Justin Governale]

Yes.

[Ben Williams]

Oh, it is. Oh, no. Muslims.

[D Madness]

Yes, the Muslim.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ben Williams]

Oh, y' all don't know bean pie. Y' all don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Be.

[Ben Williams]

You know, be he not really black. We don't know him.

[Ernest Evans]

Snipers.

[Justin Governale]

Kill him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam. Always so much goddamn fun. I love you. Everybody loves you. You're amazing. Taking over the world. There he goes. Cam Patterson, on to the next one. Back to the bucket we go. And I bring to the stage. Make some noise for Brian says, everybody. Here we go. Brian says is next.

[Justin Governale]

All right.

[Brian Says]

I just found out I'm gonna be a father. It's court ordered. It's court ordered. Calm it down. Yeah, it's me. I had a crazy day today. I got dead Named earlier today. Do y' all know what dead naming is, or. All right, all right, it's fine. It's a mixed crowd. I'll let you know. So if you're not aware, dead naming, it's a term that was adopted by the transgender community, but it's when somebody refers to you by your old name rather than the name you are now. So I got dead Named earlier today. I was walking up the street, and I bumped into this white guy, and he said, hey, watch it, nigger. And I was like, whoa, my name's Brian now. It's not nigger anymore, buddy. Come on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Geez.

[Brian Says]

What are you, transphobic? What the hell? If you. If you guys are wondering, I can tell that joke. I have a black friend, so I can tell that joke. I believe. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Brian says, everybody. Fuck yeah. I believe I bumped into you earlier. Welcome back to the show, Brian. You've been on before.

[Brian Says]

I have not been on before, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're friends with Cam, and I met you before, is that right?

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Correct. There we go. That's how I know you. Welcome, welcome. Yeah. First time on the show. How long you been doing stand up?

[Brian Says]

It's about six months now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. I love it. All of it. Here in Austin?

[Brian Says]

Yeah. Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is this where you're from?

[Brian Says]

No, I came here from Atlanta.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Atlanta?

[Brian Says]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Born and raised.

[Brian Says]

I moved around a lot, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, where else have you lived?

[Brian Says]

Virginia, Maryland, California.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You ever seen the Bean before?

[Brian Says]

Yeah, the Bean. Yeah, of course, dude. The Bean.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Brian Says]

You're talking about. Wait, maybe. Is it Chicago's the Bean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My God.

[Brian Says]

What are we talking about, dude?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, have you.

[Brian Says]

Have you. You've been there, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. I've been to Chicago so many times. I've performed in arenas, theaters, comedy clubs. I've done it all in Chicago, and I've never heard of the Bean.

[Brian Says]

Oh, wow. Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just found out about it. Looked like a total dumbass in front of millions of people, it turns out, because I don't know about some stupid nothing burger bean. It's just a big mirror. Do you know about this, Carrie? Jesus Christ. Everybody knows about it but me. Horn players. Did you know about the bean? Jesus Christ. This is unbelievable. It's the stupidest thing that I didn't know about my whole life. I pride myself, I watched jeopardy. And I beat the people to the answers. And I would have lost on the bean. I would have lost on the bean. I'll beat anybody in non bean trivia right now. And here I am.

[Brian Says]

Sure you will, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Whoa, what the fuck's that supposed to mean? You wanna have a round of trivia right now on

[D Madness]

trivia?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you challenging me to a game of trivia?

[Brian Says]

I guess. I guess I am now. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. This is the first ever. How are we gonna do this, Brian? Look up trivia questions on your iPad.

[D Madness]

Any specific subject or anything.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Brian Says]

Is this all bean? Is this all being or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's no bean trivia. No bean can't have anything to do with the bean. Even though I know it was built in 2006. It's a mirror like structure shaped like a bean. Which averages about 7 million visitors per year.

[Brian Says]

Yeah. Yep, yep. I've been one of them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, I guess I'll ask the questions. Here we go. Yes. How many colors are in the rainbow?

[Brian Says]

Tony, you know this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a.

[Brian Says]

Little bit of home cooking over here. God damn. How many fingers fitting an ass do you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you know the answer, Cuz I do.

[Brian Says]

I. I know. I don't.

[Justin Governale]

I don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't. It's seven.

[Brian Says]

Yep.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. That is correct. Tony wins this one. Gay trivia. Welcome to Gay Trivia Arabia, ladies and gentlemen.

[Brian Says]

So proud, Tony. We're so proud.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, here's another question.

[Ben Williams]

Who is the Greek goddess of love?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I'm gonna go with. You have an answer here.

[Brian Says]

I have an answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What's your answer?

[Brian Says]

I have an answer and my answer is no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No phoning a friend here. Stop whispering over there. You fucking stop talking.

[Brian Says]

We can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have an answer?

[Brian Says]

I'm going Aphrodite.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's what I would have said. Is that the correct.

[Ben Williams]

Oh my God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys are both right.

[Ben Williams]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Aphrodite. Wow. Amazing. How do you guys know that and not the bean? Come on, keep going. Come up with another question.

[Ben Williams]

What do you call a baby goat?

[Brian Says]

Oh, that's okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have an answer? Go ahead.

[Brian Says]

It's. It's a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's a what?

[Martin Phillips]

It's a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Kid.

[Brian Says]

It's a kid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You are correct. It is a young boy. I don't think I knew that.

[D Madness]

Crank it up, Red.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You might actually be winning this. Come on, give us a hard one. All right. Who was the queen of France during the French Revolution? Oh, what? Well, nobody knows about queens more than me.

[Brian Says]

It's unfair. Yeah. I can't phone a friend. I cannot phone a gay guy. No, across the state. I got. I'm going Queen Elizabeth. Seems like a good guess. Okay, hard nose. I'm going Elizabeth.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a good guess. I'm gonna go with Antoinette. You know what? I'm gonna give it to you, Tony. It's Marie Antoinette. That is correct.

[Brian Says]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why don't we do something. Something special. Why don't we switch it to black trivia just so that I could flex on you people right now. Look up black trivia questions. Formerly from Atlanta. Been all over, supposedly. All right, let's find out. Black trivia. All right. You know, helping black guy or girl or whatever the going on there. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what exactly you are. Kind of look like you have tailored tits. I don't know what's shaking over there, but I'm gonna take it. All right, here we go. He was the first African American to graduate from Harvard University and became a US Senator. Dude, shut the up over there. Do you have an answer?

[Brian Says]

I am really gonna need some help on this one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, there's no help. There's no help, you son of a bitch. But can I just say, you are the help. Take back your rainbow joke.

[Brian Says]

Yes. Gay beats black again, huh? Let me just. I just want to make it clear. I do like black people. I like my culture. Do not judge me by this answer

[Hans Kim]

I'm about to give.

[Brian Says]

I really love us. We're good people. We're good, smart people from Harvard. There's so many that are graduated from Harvard that the first one. How could we. If I, you know, I choose to.

[Brian Cook]

Let's.

[Brian Says]

As long as we cross it, we make it to the mountaintop. Doesn't matter who gets there at first.

[Ernest Evans]

That's Martin.

[Brian Says]

That's mlk. I know that guy. That's a black. Okay, this sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Black guy.

[Ben Williams]

What was the year?

[Brian Says]

Can I get a year?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give him the year. Red band. Give him the year. I don't think it's gonna help at all. Well, the answer is not available.

[Brian Says]

This show sucks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it doesn't say a year. So I don't know.

[Brian Says]

I hate Red Band's answer because I can't think of one either. I just can't think of one. So maybe it didn't happen. Clarence Thomas. That's a. Is that a black guy? Fuck.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is a black guy. He's on the Supreme Court.

[Brian Says]

Okay, final answer.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Of all the black guys that have been to court, he's the only one that went to the Supreme Court.

[Brian Says]

Yeah, Supreme.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The most high.

[Brian Says]

We're gonna call this a draw. Right, Tony

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

again, he was a US Senator.

[Brian Says]

Give me a first letter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Letter.

[Brian Says]

I just need a letter.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know what?

[Ben Williams]

I'll. I'll give you that.

[Justin Governale]

H. Ah,

[Brian Says]

Yes, the H.

[Ben Williams]

You know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your time is up, man. We went through enough time. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder is my answer.

[D Madness]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You both are wrong. Camera Revel. And I have one last question. Oh, okay, right. Welcome back to Ghetto Jeopardy. Ladies and gentlemen. Last question. Which popular dish often associated with the Southern United States and African American culture?

[Brian Says]

Chicken.

[William Montgomery]

Let's get out of here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Chicken is traditionally made with black eyed peas and is considered to bring good luck when eaten on New Year's Eve. Do you know the answer? God, yeah. Would you like to give it a guess?

[Brian Says]

It's around. Gumbo. It's not gumbo, but it's around there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you like the answer?

[Brian Says]

Is this New Orleans?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is a bean question.

[Brian Says]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's bean related.

[Brian Says]

I think black. It's greens. Greens. Black Eyed peas is greens.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your final answer?

[Brian Says]

That's what I'm saying. God damn it. D. Madness.

[Ernest Evans]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that your. You have an answer?

[Brian Says]

New Orleans. I'm sorry? New Orleans celebration.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They didn't say that. You said that.

[Brian Says]

Oh, New year, so. Oh, of course. New Year's. I'm thinking New Orleans. Of course. Okay. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh. Do you have an answer?

[Brian Says]

No, I do not.

[D Madness]

Any dessert?

[Ernest Evans]

Huh?

[D Madness]

Any dessert?

[Brian Says]

Oh, just a dessert. No, we're on dessert now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's not a dessert. It's an entree.

[Brian Says]

His white tricks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Do you have a guest dessert? I'm gonna go with jambalaya.

[Brian Says]

I'm jumbo. I'm going.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're both wrong. It's Hoppin John. I don't know if that's real. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Okay. Welcome to the show, my friend. Very funny performance. Welcome. Very fun. The first ever trivia on Kiltoni. First ever black Jeopardy. We're taking chances here. It's a very loose show. Anything can happen. Always adding new segments, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, we're going back to back. Brian's here. It's Brian Knight on kill. Tony, look out. Make some noise for Brian Cook. Wow. Red band loves cooks. Here we go. Brian Cook.

[Brian Cook]

Thank you very much. Now, I am a music fan to the point where I take it personally sometimes. I was listening to the classic album Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys, but I was listening on YouTube and YouTube has the comments down at the bottom. And can you believe what this chucklehead said? And I quote, this album is three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drumbeat. No, exactly. Officially. For the record, I love the Beastie Boys. I'm a big fan. But if we're taking the macro view, if we're looking at things in the big picture, isn't all hip hop three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drum beat? That's what every rap album ever is. And if you think I'm picking on hip hop, I am not. It's the same way that every death metal band that's ever existed is five retards making the most unpleasant noises humanly possible. It's the same way that stand up comedy is one retard trying to be clever. You see, there's a pattern of behavior here. Now, I believe in diversity. I support diversity. Diversity is a stripper I met over at the Yellow Rose. She's a lot of fun. She's working tonight. So everyone please go support diversity.

[Brian Says]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Brian Cook calling everybody every artist a.

[Brian Cook]

We're all in this together.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. You've been on this show before, correct?

[Brian Cook]

I was back in June.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I remember you. I remember every guy that I think my mom when I was younger.

[Brian Cook]

It happens.

[D Madness]

What about when she's older?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you son of a. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Too many. Brian Cook. So how long you been doing stand up?

[Brian Cook]

Three years?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Three.

[Brian Cook]

Two and a half. But three. We're in the year three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're rounding up. Exactly, gentlemen. Absolutely. And what do you do for a living, Brian?

[Brian Cook]

I recently switched jobs. I was working at the car dealership. Now I'm a delivery driver. So we're still out in Austin traffic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it.

[Brian Cook]

What are you delivering alcohol to venues and bars and restaurants all over town.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And underage girls, apparently. Oh, no, no, no.

[Brian Cook]

I hate to have to say this once a week. I am not Charlie She Machine. I do not behave like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right, but.

[D Madness]

But you're wearing his shirt.

[Brian Cook]

But I'm wearing a shirt. I rated his work.

[D Madness]

Just like, remember the short dude from that New York bagel shop who's like,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you're not my father or God?

[D Madness]

Is it okay for 5 foot women to say you could kill yourself on dating websites? No one's seen this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[D Madness]

It's the exact shirt.

[Brian Cook]

I like his taste.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. Okay.

[Brian Cook]

Swinging a miss. It's your being.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have a lot of energy.

[Brian Cook]

Yes, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Brian. Where do you get this energy?

[Brian Cook]

From the good Lord. It is just a natural gift. No, I'm stoked to be here. This is awesome. We're here in Austin.

[Justin Governale]

We got our health.

[Brian Cook]

What's to complain about?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely, man.

[D Madness]

You're so optimistic something bad's gonna happen to you. He's too positive. Soon to be hiv.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The good Lord gives you your energy. Do you go to church?

[Brian Cook]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, I haven't.

[Brian Cook]

I haven't found one in Austin I liked, but there was one back in Huntsville I love Shout out to Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[D Madness]

This is not the platform to shout out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, hip hop's retarded. Hip hops. This is. That's. We're. I went to a strip club. Shout out to the. Shout out to the First Pentecostal out in Huntsville, Alabama.

[Brian Cook]

There are some mixed signals being sent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. You believe in the Lord so much that wind blows through your hair continuously. It is incredible. It is. There. There you go. Now you just got a little cotton candy hanging off the top there. You got to zoom on that yoni. There you go. There you go. It's absolutely stunning. I love it.

[Brian Cook]

There's the thumbnail for next week or whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Probably five years away from the same hairdo, so I'm not gonna roast you too hard here. So tell us, Brian, what else you've been up to? What are you up to in this crazy. How old are you?

[Brian Cook]

47. Birthday was last week.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hold on. What?

[Brian Cook]

Oh, yeah.

[D Madness]

You're 47.

[Brian Cook]

Tony and I have had this conversation previously.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. This is incredible.

[D Madness]

So we're not that healthy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Four years older than him. You're four years older than him, Brian, what did you see? What exactly did you witness when you were.

[Brian Cook]

Apparently the dark, darkness and the sadness. And that's what drove me into comedy at middle age.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What kind of darkness and sadness?

[D Madness]

Oh, I'm. That's what he called Brian and Cam.

[Brian Cook]

Yeah, exactly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I'm Brian. Nice to meet you. Darkness and sadness. Hey, why that motherfucker's hair blowing around like that? Oh, my goodness. So what have you been doing with your life, Brian?

[Brian Cook]

We were in the army. We were a music journalist. We went back to school. The pandemic happened, and now we're here.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about since. Well, you were on the show. I can't really remember what happened. I think I have Alzheimer's. I've probably been to the Bean. What's going on? What's happened since your last time on?

[Brian Cook]

I've been hitting it hard around Austin, Texas, getting booked on stuff, really putting forth the effort, making the most of the opportunity. Here. We're back to the positivity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Brian Cook]

Too much unity.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

100%.

[Brian Cook]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do I feel like you're working on some kind of, like, science project at home?

[Brian Cook]

Because I'm not allowed to talk about that under the advice of legal counsel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. What are your hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that would have, like, little doll houses or something like that.

[Ben Williams]

No.

[D Madness]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Cook]

I still buy and sell baseball cards on ebay. That's, like, my thing, you know, after work.

[D Madness]

That's dope. What's, like, what's the coolest piece of sports memorabilia you have?

[Brian Cook]

The biggest one I ever hit on is I bought six Patrick Mahomes rookies for $5 a piece. Yeah, that's. That's my greatest hit right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So what are those at? About?

[Brian Cook]

Probably about five, 600 each.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Brian Cook]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go.

[Brian Cook]

If you. If sports dorks. Mitch Trubitsky was supposed to be the big quarterback that year, remember? Three Super Bowls later, here we are.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Chicago Bears. Mitch Trubisky. The Chicago Bears, not the Chicago Beans.

[D Madness]

Did you play sports growing up? Yep.

[Brian Cook]

Baseball.

[D Madness]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Second base.

[Ernest Evans]

No. Outfield.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah. Right field.

[Brian Cook]

Right field and center field. I was really good defensive outfielder. I could run the balls down.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, that sounded okay.

[Brian Cook]

Well,

[Brian Says]

yeah.

[D Madness]

I feel like you're a great dad, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have kids?

[Brian Cook]

No, I do not.

[Brian Says]

What? Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[D Madness]

Big miss.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

Yep.

[D Madness]

Because of religious reasons?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Brian Cook]

We got divorced. And if we want the comedy answer. You ever say something as a joke, but you mean it? If we had had kids, we would have produced a super villain. So I think we did the world a favor there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you say that?

[Brian Cook]

Because it's too like what they say, you know, in the AA meetings and all that, that sometimes two heads are better than one. You keep yourself on track, but sometimes you just enable each other so hard.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You go to aa?

[Brian Cook]

Used to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been sober?

[Brian Cook]

We're going with that California sober thing, and we'll say two months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Oh, man. Cheers. Yeah. So how long were you sober when you were sober? Oh, what's the longest you've gone?

[Brian Cook]

No, let me think of how to phrase this. It's more of a. Like, you go on vacation, right? Some people go to Hawaii. I go on a bender.

[Brian Says]

You know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, when you go on a bender, what does that look like? Explain to us. This is all starting to make floor

[Brian Cook]

is covered with empty beer cans where you cannot walk to the bathroom, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Justin Governale]

Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

Let's do it up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Look at you. You're a little party machine. Brian. Curse. Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

Yes. Like, it's a horrible, horrible habit. And I know better. I apologize. But yes. The F word's my favorite word.

[D Madness]

Which one is?

[Brian Cook]

Oh, the word.

[D Madness]

You barely said it.

[Brian Cook]

I know. I barely said. Well, let's make up for that. It could be almost every word in the sentence. The wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's right. Shout out to the church in Huntsville, Alabama. Amazing. So you love cuss words. What's your favorite? Racial slur? D Madness. Plug your ears. Okay, I'm just. I'm just kidding. I was kidding. I was kidding.

[D Madness]

Don't do it.

[Brian Cook]

The fact that we're running through choices says enough.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, exactly. You really thought we were playing ghetto Jeopardy again for just trying to ask help from the audience. I love it. So, Brian, what else you do? You write about music, you judge music, but you don't do anything with music yourself. Not anymore. What did you used to do?

[Brian Cook]

Played rhythm guitar in a terrible band. That was a Hate Breed ripoff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was a Hate Breed?

[Austin Ingles]

Yeah.

[Brian Cook]

You ever heard that band Hate Breed? We sounded exactly like them. It was a decent show, but zero original thought, huh? That's all right. You're missing nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D Madness is a few whiskeys deep tonight. Oh, really? What are you drinking tonight?

[Ben Williams]

Coffee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Ben Williams]

What's going on?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. D Madness is sober. This is absolutely incredible. That's amazing. All right, all right. Okay, so don't. Hate Breed is like a heavy metal rock band.

[Brian Cook]

Yeah, Mosh pit stuff, you know, Metal band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right. Did you sing at all for them?

[Brian Cook]

Like the backup vocals?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Can we hear. Can you guys play some heavy metal for a second? I want to hear what Brian Cook sounds like. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. What the. What the. Need to get some just for men. Craziest grandfather I've ever seen in my life.

[D Madness]

Divorced.

[Brian Cook]

Can you believe it?

[D Madness]

Bro, that was amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think. Thank you. And you don't want to curse. That's so weird.

[D Madness]

I feel like I just got fisted in a Spencer's. Dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I mean, you have such an interesting range. Oh, yeah. The lung power. Wow. What was the church that you shouted out earlier?

[Brian Cook]

Oh, they're going to love this. The Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, all right, all right, all right. What size joke book did you get. Last time you were on a small one. Well, I'm going to tell you what, I like your energy. I don't know about the set. The set was okay. I love the interview. I like your style. There he goes. Brian Cook. Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're coming around the mountain. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another golden ticket winner. I gotta get up here. This guy's on an absolute kill streak of mass proportion. He's unstoppable right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, this is a new minute from Martin Phillips.

[Martin Phillips]

You know, we're. We're in Texas. You know, the cowboy outfit is pretty pricey. You know, the hat, the boots, it's expensive. People. People pay a lot of money to look gay. Tone it down. I think reading a food blog. I read it because pornstar writes it. You know, I'm tired of watching you have sex. I want to get to know you. Martin. Open up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But

[Austin Ingles]

anyway,

[Martin Phillips]

in Great Britain, they call ladybugs ladybirds because red is the color of normal women and they fly like birds. And it's kind of like we call them ladybugs because they're not fucking birds. Like, duh, like, don't want a bird.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They're looks like, you know, Martin Phillips has done it again. I mean, you are unstoppable. So many great sets from you.

[Martin Phillips]

It is the only situation where I'm unstoppable. It's all like

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

rock solid material. Unbelievable, Unbelievable structure from a guy who is off balance all the time. You came out guns ablazing, made fun of cowboys, looking gay, even though you're the one with the broke back.

[Martin Phillips]

But you have it for the other reason.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You son of a bitch. You son of. You're one of the few men I could easily rape. So you be careful over there. You be careful or else my cerebral ballsies. You know what I mean? Hello. Hello. I want to see your bean. Matt Wright's like, where the am I right now? What. What is this chaos? Matt? How about the great Martin Phillips, huh?

[D Madness]

So funny.

[William Montgomery]

When.

[D Madness]

When were you vaccinated?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, dude, years ago. Years ago. I was about the first.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Hans Kim]

yeah.

[D Madness]

So do you. Do you actually read food reviews?

[Martin Phillips]

Not that all that. I don't see the. I read a Portland star did it, but I never actually read her work. But I considered it. I was like, well, you know, this might be good.

[D Madness]

Support the art, of course.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, favorite food? I don't know.

[D Madness]

Soup.

[Martin Phillips]

I'm not that retarded.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Martin Phillips]

Certain hate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Taking shots. Taking shots at the even less fortunate than yourself. That's absolutely incredible. These people would all kill one another if given the opportunity. Martin, do you cook at home?

[Martin Phillips]

I. I have a. I have a crock pot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, a lot y. Crock pot is very hard to drop. It stays on the counter the entire time. Yeah, unlike a frying pan or a regular pot. Yeah, crock pot stays stable. It's hard to it up.

[Martin Phillips]

Exactly. Anyone can do it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's true. That's true.

[Martin Phillips]

That's why the tack line could be it. Anybody can do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you like to make in your crock pot? Have you ever made any hopping johns, perhaps, or.

[Martin Phillips]

Actually, my dad. Actually, she makes that every new year, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Martin Phillips]

I swear to God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that. He uses shake and bake.

[Martin Phillips]

My dad makes it. Not me. My dad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, well, at least something was hopping in that household. All right. I love it. Martin, what you been doing with yourself lately?

[Martin Phillips]

Oh, I've been all over, you know, toward. Around and whatnot, doing some shows. Aaron Belial is bringing me around. I think he just wants to get paid twice because people think we're the same person. So I think that's his scheme, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. That makes sense. You guys are out there touring around, getting on the airplane before everybody else.

[Hans Kim]

Oh, yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Still, I don't know what it's like to wait. I was like, what am I, a peasant like that? You know, I'm waiting.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Absolutely. You can you get to be on the plane anywhere but the emergency exit row? Yeah, yeah. That guy, you know, you ever been in the emergency? You ever just lie and, like, pretend

[Martin Phillips]

like, you know, I think once that there's no other scene. And I don't like to sit there, though, because I'm. I'm an anxious guy. So we did turbulence. Opening the door, flying out, I was like, sorry, my bad, man. I'm not a good guy. From door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else is going on, Martin?

[Martin Phillips]

You know, I know, I know. Last time I was, you know, I did kind of get overly heated about my driving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you were very offended, Which I do.

[Martin Phillips]

Which I do. But at the good driving story I have.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You've been driving. What happened?

[Martin Phillips]

So here is what this is. Back home, it was like a narrow street, and my side mirror, like, scraped the car. And I didn't realize that, but the guy chased me down, and he was, like, yelling at me and stuff. And then I get out the car, and he was like, never mind. Okay, Now I thought it was like a Jedi mind trick. I was like, oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So.

[Martin Phillips]

And the best part, he apologized to me. I was like, damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely amazing.

[Martin Phillips]

So, yeah, no one's questioning me about my driving. They just been really happy for me.

[D Madness]

How much is your insurance?

[Martin Phillips]

I never been in an accident, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[D Madness]

If you need a guy. I'm friends with Shake from State Farm.

[Martin Phillips]

Yeah, good one.

[D Madness]

Thanks.

[Ben Williams]

I'm not proud of him.

[D Madness]

I'm gonna have to go to his church.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know who your insurance company is, but thank goodness your disease isn't progressive.

[Martin Phillips]

That is a girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[D Madness]

Jesus.

[Martin Phillips]

He said no. I mean it. I mean it. I'm making it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it, I love it, I love it. Okay. And you do move like the geico lizard. So it is incredible. We're covering all the insurance.

[Martin Phillips]

What does that even mean?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What does that mean?

[Martin Phillips]

He's a lizard?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Martin Phillips]

How do lizards move?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Martin Phillips]

I like to lose the ghetto.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love how you get strangely defensive sometimes. Like, you're like, don't make me pull my hand out of my pocket right now.

[Brian Says]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh.

[Brian Says]

Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[D Madness]

I thought he was doing magic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Martin, you do it again and again and again. Your minutes are just unbelievable. Clawing his way to the history books one more time for the great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. All right, we gotta start to put a ribbon on this goddamn thing. Your next bucket pole is from the inside. Ladies and gentlemen, representing you, the audience here, where anything can happen. So it's probably a first timer. Make some noise for Javier Ramirez. Oh, my goodness. Wow. From right in the corner, Javier Ramirez.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yo. What is going on, world? Hey. Hi. You like that? Yeah. I am autistic. I know it's not obvious because I'm not banging my head against the floor, but I am, you know, I am also gay, bisexual. So fuck everybody here, you know, so probably an injury from the vaccine, if you ask me. Yeah, well. Yeah, you guys. Big genocide crowd. Yeah, you know. Hey. All right, let's see how this goes. Been kind of a news buff myself. Kind of underreported numbers in Israel. Yeah. You know, turns out they're doing girl math out there, you know, in Gaza's having girl dinner. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Javier Ramirez]

How am I doing? Ah. Holy. Holy. I'm here. Ah, yes. God bless America and. Yeah, I love you guys. Yeah. 27, getting older. All my friends are either getting into barbecuing or grooming. Either way, the meat could Cook a little bit. And aged meat, you know, you gotta get a little bit into it. Yeah, whatever. That was great. Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Javier Ramirez]

Hello. Hi there. How's it going?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ramirez, welcome to the show.

[Javier Ramirez]

Absolutely. Good to see you. Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Definitely. Yeah.

[Javier Ramirez]

The voice of God.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely no doubt about it. Welcome to the show. Javier Ramirez, you came out, you said that you're autistic, you're gay, you're bi, which means you're also a Democrat. It's all very exciting.

[Javier Ramirez]

No, Trump 2024.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow.

[Javier Ramirez]

Very goddamn right. I'll stand on that. Yeah. Texas, baby. Love to be doing, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Javier Ramirez]

Matt R. You are delicious, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God.

[Javier Ramirez]

God damn. You know I'm going to say that right now, man.

[D Madness]

You sound like the Easter island head from night at the museum.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, it's pretty much me, man. That is me. Yeah.

[D Madness]

Wow.

[Javier Ramirez]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Listen to that voice.

[Javier Ramirez]

Hey. Hey. Can I. So I do voiceovers.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, you fucking better.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah. So I would like to put my dream out there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Javier Ramirez]

Maybe not for this show, but there's other shows. I. At the mothership and there's an announcer. He's usually a door guy. So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for a comedy show? Oh, come on, you can definitely do better than that. Are you ready for a comedy show? Yeah. In Austin, Texas. Give it up for Javier Ramirez. Yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe or whoever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's actually pretty good. It's actually pretty good. We could probably get you to record that.

[Javier Ramirez]

I would love to do that. And then I would very much love.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Then we'll just give you a list of comedians names that usually open the show.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah. You know, hey, maybe one day. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who knows?

[Javier Ramirez]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live here in Austin, Javier?

[Javier Ramirez]

Yes. Yes, sir. I just moved from Costa Rica.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Who's that guy that just handed you?

[Javier Ramirez]

These are my friends. Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You came with this whole crew of people?

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are my friendos. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Javier Ramirez]

I've been here the whole time. God damn, you look good, man. I'm just gonna say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, stop hitting on Matt.

[Javier Ramirez]

I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. That is incredible.

[Javier Ramirez]

Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Which.

[D Madness]

All right, which are you? Are you more gay or more straight? Which? Where do you fall on the spectrum?

[Javier Ramirez]

Whichever one gets me into heaven. Yeah, whatever.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me ask you a question. Is your throat as deep as your voice?

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, I take after my mom, actually. Yeah. Got a deep throat on my mom too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God damn, that is.

[Javier Ramirez]

Love you, mom.

[D Madness]

Relationship with your father?

[Javier Ramirez]

Oh, great. Actually, what's he do. He's a mechanical engineer.

[D Madness]

Smart as.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, smart. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do?

[Javier Ramirez]

I work in tech and it's a. But I. I do voiceover stuff. I love announcing. I love Bruce Buffer. So if you guys could introduce me to him, that's. That'd be a dream. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[D Madness]

He's not going to you.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, probably not. I'll still try, though. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, he won't now.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah. Hell yeah, man. I'm so happy to be.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. What have you used your voice for before?

[Javier Ramirez]

So, like, commercials and IVRs and like, stupid stuff like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anything we would recognize?

[Javier Ramirez]

Not yet, hopefully. Yeah. Double kill. Oh, yeah.

[Ernest Evans]

Yeah.

[Brian Says]

You.

[D Madness]

You should tell people bad news.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah. To do that.

[D Madness]

Just work in a hospital.

[Javier Ramirez]

It's stage four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Doesn't sound that bad.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah. I appreciate it. Hell yeah. Holy. Can I shake your hand, brother? I'm not going to jerk off with it later. Good to meet you, man. Thank you.

[D Madness]

Great to meet you, man.

[Javier Ramirez]

Hell, yeah, man.

[D Madness]

Does your shirt have buttons up top?

[Brian Says]

No.

[Javier Ramirez]

No. I'm kind of rocking the. You know what I'm saying? What's up?

[Ernest Evans]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You like? Oh, my God. This is a creepy bucket pool for yourself.

[D Madness]

I'm flattered.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

My entire band wants to know if you know the Chocolate Rain song. Song?

[Javier Ramirez]

Ooh, Chocolate Rain. I forget. Chocolate Rain. Right. Chocolate Rain. I don't remember the lyrics.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know.

[Javier Ramirez]

Sorry, bro. Oh, what a wasted opportunity that was, huh? Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Okay.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All good. I don't. I don't. I can't believe there's another reference. I don't know, but Chocolate Rain is no Chocolate rain. Mean.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't do this.

[Javier Ramirez]

I bet you do, Tony. I bet you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Crazy. What is going on tonight? Crazy.

[Javier Ramirez]

Hell yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Stop. I've never heard that song in my entire life.

[Brian Cook]

How.

[Justin Governale]

What the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is going on here tonight?

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah. Holy. Huh?

[Ben Williams]

Wake up, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're in a car accident. Wake up. Something's up. Jesus Christ. Oh, you son of a. You son of a. If I was blind, I'd still be able to hear songs. D Madness. Bastard. You bastard. Unbelievable. Oh. D. Celebrating his victory.

[Javier Ramirez]

The old.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you, blind?

[Ben Williams]

I always celebrate my victory.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness.

[Javier Ramirez]

Holy.

[D Madness]

Is he blind?

[William Montgomery]

Holy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, for real? Nuh. I'm realizing right now.

[Javier Ramirez]

He did not flinch. I would like for that to be on the record. He did not flinch at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not flinching. In fact, he smiled wild at your attack. Laughing off Matt Ripe's attack right now.

[D Madness]

Had no idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is amazing. I do realize I forgot to tell you that yeah, that's one of the things that I tend to go over with the guys. We have a blind bass player. It's like part of my ramble. Wait, who threw a towel? D Madness. No, throwing things.

[Austin Ingles]

Things.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

D It got me. You're out of control. Yeah. You hit an Asian lady in the face with a towel and she's not gonna be able to drive home after this. Oh, there you go. You have something in common. Javier Ramirez.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're autistic. You're gay, you're bi, you're straight. You're everything. So what's the craziest thing sexual experience you've ever had in your life?

[William Montgomery]

Oh, boy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let me just take a moment to inform the audience and the Internet that his entire very large group of friends just started going crazy.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When I asked this question. So let's hear it. Go right ahead. Answer the question.

[Javier Ramirez]

So I was hooking up with a Venezuelan chick. They're kind of cheap nowadays, you know, kind of go for nothing. And so I didn't ship before the date, which in hindsight might have been bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, when you did what?

[Javier Ramirez]

I did not. Before going out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did not poo poo out of my cockahole. Yeah.

[Javier Ramirez]

And yeah, she was trying to finish me off as they do. And she was giving me head. I'm sorry. You know, in YouTube. I'm sorry. But yes. And I was laying down very nice. And she did some kind of veil of swim magic on me or something. Some kind of tongue twister, you know. And holy. Did. I fought in her face. It was pretty bad. It was really like a bad one, too.

[D Madness]

You Chuck buried her?

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Javier Ramirez]

Lot of. Lot of splatter on that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. You almost gave her some chocolate rain.

[Javier Ramirez]

That's a professional. That is a professional right there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Javier Ramirez]

Holy. Wow. Yeah. So then, you know, I just, like, laughed and I was like, what the was that, huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, that laugh must have sounded

[D Madness]

menacing after you guys walked.

[Javier Ramirez]

One fart, maybe two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing.

[Javier Ramirez]

I offered her some water to wash it down. You know, I was.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was that the answer you thought he was going to give the crew? That popped hard when I asked him his crazy.

[Javier Ramirez]

I told him about it. He's the homie. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that the one?

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah. They're my friends, too. Ally, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just.

[Javier Ramirez]

She's nice.

[D Madness]

Have you slept with anybody in your friend?

[Javier Ramirez]

Not yet. Yet. You know, we'll see how it goes out. Yeah. Good to see you. You're an too. You gave me a fake fist bump at the little boy. I Just want to. I would love to get the fist bump back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You talking to me?

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How did I. What are you saying that. What type of fake fist bump? What do you mean?

[Javier Ramirez]

So it was bottom of the barrel and I was front stage and you did the. Wait, hold up. I've been meaning to do this.

[Ernest Evans]

This.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, God. Wait. What are you about to do? Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yes. That's pretty. Javier, stick with the point. What? What do you mean F. I was

[Javier Ramirez]

going to give you a fist bump and then you were like, I'm good, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cuz I didn't fist bump anybody.

[Javier Ramirez]

Yeah, can I get a fist bump now? Can I get it back to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you going to fart? If I do, I swear to God.

[Javier Ramirez]

Maybe.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here you go, Javier.

[Javier Ramirez]

I appreciate it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Thank you. The prophecy is fulfilled.

[Javier Ramirez]

Oh, yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Javier Ramirez getting a little joke book. There you go.

[Javier Ramirez]

Caught that. Thank you very much. TRUMP 2024.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

God bless America.

[Javier Ramirez]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes, the mayor of Monkey Pox. Ladies and gentlemen, Javier Ramirez. And it is that time. Ladies and gentlemen, we've had a hell of a show. There's only. Only one way to put a ribbon on. Is true. He is the man, the myth, the legend. The Tijuana Tornado. The Vancouver Vampire. The Toronto Tarantula. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

A school lunchroom lady was recently arrested for stealing one and a half million dollars worth of chicken wings. Apparently she was good friends with David Lucas. But I just think. But I just think her name should have been a big red flag for the school. Kenesha Popeye, heiress to the Popeyes fortune. Last week in Uganda, a mountain of garbage collapsed and killed 23 people. Which is pretty disappointing because I had visit uganda as the 957th item on my bucket list. I'm never going to Uganda. Why did red band buy 101 Dalmatians from Cruella de Vil? Because he heard there were some hot dogs for sale,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you fat dumbass.

[William Montgomery]

You love hot dogs. And those are A hot dog is a stolen dog.

[Ernest Evans]

Okay?

[William Montgomery]

I used to be in a Christian death metal boy band and our fan base did not get along. Okay, that's my time exactly one minute

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

on the absolute dot. He has indeed done it again. That's why he is the Big Red machine. Billy Boy McGumballs. William lights out. Montgomery the fifth first of his name. King of the Gandalfs. The wizard of the Rotisserie. The Maestro of Montropolis. The Baron of the Bean. The Chocolatier of rain. The reference robot. William. Lights out, Montgomery.

[William Montgomery]

Tony. This is kind of a. Thank you, Tony. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I could go on and on.

[William Montgomery]

I know. Thank you. This is kind of a weird one for me tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Martin Phillips]

Why?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Matt met.

[William Montgomery]

I cannot believe you and I have never met before. It's always been one of long overdue.

[D Madness]

Dude.

[Ben Williams]

Oh my gosh.

[William Montgomery]

It's so nice to see you tonight.

[D Madness]

You're hilarious, man.

[William Montgomery]

Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to see you tonight.

[D Madness]

Likewise.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's very nice.

[William Montgomery]

I'm just like a little embarrassed or something. I don't know what to say.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. Don't freak out. William. Don't freak out. William gets a little shy. He's a little mad Interesting.

[William Montgomery]

Guess what happened on Friday?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, he's not gay.

[D Madness]

Okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, he's gonna turn on you real quick. I was just asking.

[William Montgomery]

Wait, what the did you want to say?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, okay.

[D Madness]

So he's thinking,

[William Montgomery]

no, but. Oh my gosh. I went to Perry's Steakhouse. They have a wonderful deal on pork chops on Friday. And I go there. Yeah, shout out to Barry's. Wonderful deal on the pork chops on Friday. And I have to go tt real bad. Tony. And I go to the bathroom and there's this scary looking big homeless man just wandering around in there and have to pee so bad. So I go to one of the two urinals and there's shit and one of the urinals and two paper towels and he's trying to rip down the door to the freaking stall. And then I go out and I tell everybody there's shit in the. In the urinal. Everybody that works there.

[D Madness]

Nice to see you, man.

[Todd Royce]

Yeah, nice to see you.

[D Madness]

Nice to see you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This is William Montgomery. Indeed. In the.

[William Montgomery]

God, I messed that up. I messed that story up in front of you, man.

[D Madness]

There's no way I would have known, you know? Great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William has the record for all time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, everything. The first member of the first living member of the Kiltoni hall of Fame, well, no, that's not true. Michael was alive when he got it.

[Ben Williams]

Yeah.

[William Montgomery]

And any of these keyboard warriors who think this fucking shit is easy, this shit is not easy. And either of you idiots, they think

[Martin Phillips]

you can do it.

[William Montgomery]

Do you like to critique me? Any of you who think you could do this? Never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Never.

[William Montgomery]

You have no idea what it takes. Do you know how long it took me to write the 101 Dalmatians joke? Took me five hours yesterday, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Anyway, what I was saying was that he has the record for all time. Appearances, interviews, everybody. He's been on almost every single show for over five years. Years. Is that right? How long.

[William Montgomery]

There's this one piece of shit. I don't.

[Ben Williams]

Look at the.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You. Go ahead, go ahead. Let it out, let it out, let it out. Do you know the words to Chocolate Rain?

[William Montgomery]

No, but what were you saying, Tony? I just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was gonna say all time record holder for appearances on the show. And I don't think I've ever seen you quite as shy in front of anyone as Matt Rice here.

[William Montgomery]

Super shy right now. Again, we have never met.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, man.

[William Montgomery]

He just winked at me, Tony.

[Brian Says]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

William's famous for winking.

[D Madness]

Really?

[William Montgomery]

When he does know that I didn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

When he does it, a special noise happens and everything. A little sparkle noise. Watch, watch, watch. There it is. Okay, okay. Red band.

[William Montgomery]

I can't do it that fast. Dumbass. You can't even. And it's weird. When Red band gets wasted, he loves to get just blackout drunk. And it looks like he doesn't blink at all, which is so funny. His eyes never fully shut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He has a gluten allergy, William, and he loves gluten, so he's constantly in an allergic state. He's staring you down. Look at this. Wow. This is a male. William is completely disinterested in this.

[D Madness]

William, where. Where are you from?

[William Montgomery]

I'm from Memphis, Tennessee.

[D Madness]

I love Memphis. Good barbecue. Yeah, really good barbecue. Good barbecue, yeah. My gosh. Have you been to the hotel?

[William Montgomery]

What, the Peabody or. No, not the Peabody.

[D Madness]

The one.

[William Montgomery]

The one in the pyramid.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, not that one.

[William Montgomery]

Hold on. What's another one in Memphis? The Lorraine Motel.

[D Madness]

Hell, I don't know if that's. I don't know what the name of it is. The one it would have. It would have come up on black.

[William Montgomery]

Martin Luther.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think it's shot.

[William Montgomery]

Yes, I've been there.

[D Madness]

Really good barbecue right next door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, wait a second. Hold on, hold on. First the bean, then chocolate rain. You're telling me Martin Luther King got shot?

[D Madness]

I knew it. I knew it was coming, too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So stupid. All right, all right, all right. I was a joke. All right. So, William, something interesting happened on my way back from New York City. I was. I was lucky enough to be able to hitch a ride on a friend's jet. And the jet had an engine problem and had to make an emergency landing in, of all places, Memphis, Tennessee. And immediately we find out that, oh, they don't have the part for the jet. And we're going to have to take a commercial flight, and the next one's not available for three or four hours. So we get a commercial flight and then we have three or four hours in Memphis, Tennessee. So guess who I called and messaged? My papa and my mama. That's right. Papa didn't respond right away. So I immediately hit up Mama and they started giving me restaurant recommendations and hotel recommendations. But that was before I realized we could get a commercial flight out of that, because I thought I might have to stay in Memphis. So there I am communicating with your lovely parents, who I'm very close with. And it turns out I didn't have enough time to go to the restaurant that they recommended. So I looked up restaurants that were close to the airport, right down the street on Elvis Presley Boulevard, where the airport is, and it turns out it was an Elvis themed restaurant. And we only had about an hour and a half, two hours to eat food. And of all the days that I could have had an emergency landing in Memphis, Tennessee, I swear to God, it was indeed, of course, Elvis Presley Day. Yeah. And so there we are thinking, okay, we're just gonna go get some quick Memphis barbecue real quick at this Elvis joint. And there's a wait. Everybody's dressed like Elvis. The place is insane. And so I spent some time in Memphis.

[William Montgomery]

I love it. Well, you should have gone to Mama and Papa's house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I wanted to.

[William Montgomery]

I know. You should have gone over there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I was really close to making that move, but I tried to make it back to make it to Monday Night Raw, which I also wasn't able to do that. Shout out to Sammy Zayn, Pat McAfee.

[William Montgomery]

Tony, I'm glad the plane didn't crash or something. We wouldn't even be here today. Could you imagine that? Just nobody. There wouldn't be a line outside, nothing. Yikes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It did crash.

[William Montgomery]

You have to be careful, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true.

[William Montgomery]

I've always told you about the problem, private jets. You know that. Okay, you know I have.

[Todd Royce]

Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't take private jets, William. I don't take private jets. It was a special instance.

[William Montgomery]

Okay, be careful.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I fly commercial with the people. I'm a man of the people. I take Southwest flights, position group B because I like to be mixed in with normal humans. I like to be able to write material and connect with the people. But I take jets any chance I get. It's truly a superior way of travel. And once you start, there's really no going back. It's after you take a jet. Once you're just furiously angry on flights, even if you're in first class. It's disgusting. All right, I'm kidding. So, William, anything else crazy happening this week?

[William Montgomery]

Just Remnant two. It's some video game, Tony. I think I've put in 40 hours the past four days. That's 10 hour days, the math on that. But yeah, it's Remnant two. It's a third person shooter. You can upgrade your character, you can upgrade everything about it. But yeah, I cannot get enough of that. I'm about to go back and play till probably 5am tonight. I have to be careful, Matt. I've been playing it all night long.

[D Madness]

Poor guy.

[William Montgomery]

I know. I don't know how to stop.

[Ben Williams]

Wow.

[D Madness]

I don't know how to talk to you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah.

[D Madness]

Everything you say is a mystery, dude.

[William Montgomery]

Well, nice to be here, Tony. Thank you, William.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love you. He ain't never going to stop. There goes William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the greatest hot dog jokes I've ever seen in my life. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. Make some noise for Matt Rife. What a great. What a great time we had. Mattrifeofficial.com for his new world tour. Also lucid on Netflix number one right now. Matt, you're the man. So much fun.

[D Madness]

You have the best fans, man. Thanks so much for letting me do this.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you so much. A true pleasure to have you. Shout out to Squarespace, Strap King, Zipper, Cooter, Shopify and Hymns. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Red Band. Would you like check out the Sunset Strip? Atx.com Love you guys. Indeed we do. Love you so much. Good night everybody. Thank you. We'll see you again soon. Good night. Thank you. Bye Bye, Sam. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.