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Tony Hinchcliffe
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found
Ben Williams
at Death Squad TV and now on
Tony Hinchcliffe
Spotify and Apple podcasts.
Ben Williams
If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden
Tony Hinchcliffe
Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Ray coming to you live from the comedy mothership here
Ben Williams
in Austin, Texas for a brand new
Tony Hinchcliffe
episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh?
Hans Kim
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Welcome everybody. How we feeling tonight, huh? This is Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace, DraftKings, Zip Recruiter, Shopify and HIMS. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Muhling, John Dees and D Madness on the bass guitar. We are here. It is all happening. Amazing show for you. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Ladies and gentlemen, it's a one guest night tonight. This is a comedian who I've wanted on this show for a ridiculously long time. I remember meeting him about three, 13 years ago when he was a young buck opening up for the great, late, great, one of my old best friends, Ralphie May. And now I can say in all honesty, truly one of the biggest stand up comedians in the world has a brand new world tour, his second global tour coming out and the newest special on Netflix. I present to you. You are here for the Kill Tony debut of Matt Rice. Boom. Yes. The man, the myth, the young legend Matt Wright has joined the fold here live on Kill Tony. We are going to have some fucking fun tonight.
D Madness
Me, this one, I'm not anyone you want. There we go. Figure.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How is everybody?
D Madness
Everyone's cool. Good to see you guys. Dude, this is awesome, man. Thanks for having me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We're going to have a blast. I've wanted to do this forever. Lucid is out now on Netflix. The new world tour going out for sale right now. Matt rife, official.com. you're doing it, buddy. You're living the goddamn American dream.
D Madness
Finally. Dude, I've known you since I was 16. That's so creepy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Unfucking believable. It is. He's also my mom's favorite comedian. My mom.
D Madness
She's got great taste.
Tony Hinchcliffe
77.
D Madness
She tastes great.
Tony Hinchcliffe
77. Oh, you son of a. You ate a 77 year old out.
Javier Ramirez
Jesus.
Tony Hinchcliffe
77. 77, dude.
Hans Kim
Damn.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, but you met her when she was 60. 65. Yeah, exactly. She was like smoking.
D Madness
She's still in Youngstown.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
D Madness
God, yeah.
William Montgomery
You don't really leave.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, no. If you stay in Youngstown this long, you're stuck there. Yeah, I'm going to go back barrier soon. It's going to be great. Oh, that's depressing. Yeah, no, it'll, I'll already be there. Yeah, it'll be great. You're going to her to death. It's going to be great. She literally has a cocktail napkin that you signed after that show. She got it framed. I remember the phone call. I, I, she was the only show she ever went to because I was so close with her. Alfie maybe. And fucking she goes. Cause all she knew was the comedy Store at the time. I mean, that's all there is. No one's going to shows in Youngstown. But she saw you open for Ralphie at that show. She was a guest of Ralphie Mae and you blew her fucking mind away. She's been on the show, she's been on panel, she's done a set on the show. Oh yeah, she's a legend. Perhaps even a future kill Tony hall of famer, who knows? There we go. And she framed that fucking cocktail napkin and told me that day, that next day, I remember, she goes, I'll tell you, the kid that opened for him is a star. He's gonna be a star. Tony. I go, who are you? Who in the world are you talking about? What do you possibly know? And she has that cocktail napkin still framed on a dresser with all this shit.
D Madness
That's so cute.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Which goes to show, Hinchcliffe's are geniuses. Matt Wright, first time on the show. Let me explain to you. There's over 300 people that signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. 300 fucking pieces of paper in this mama jama. They're all piled in across the street at called poor Choices. If I pull one of the names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the Sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts them. I conduct an interview, we meet them all together and the whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Let's start it with one of our esteemed regulars, ladies and gentlemen, this guy, an absolute legend of Kill Tony. We met him when he was sleeping in his van doing open mics all around the world. He couldn't stop doing open mics up to 4, 5, 6 a night. Now he's one of the highest ticket selling comedians in America. This is a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Hun Skip. This is Hun Skim. This is Hans Gimp. This is Hans Skim.
Brian Says
Hey,
Hans Kim
what's up? I can't believe there's a woman running for president right now. Is this a fucking circus? They just got the right to vote. Now they want to run the whole thing? Not on my watch, Kamala. More like Kablah blah. What is this bitch shrieking about? But yeah, I don't think anyone wants to hear women talk. I think we just want to. No, seriously, I think we just want to hear the air moving around their tits. God, I fucking hate women. What? They're racist to Asian guys. Women want a strong, confident American man that's going to attack Iraq twice for no reason. They don't want a cunning, careful Asian boy that's going to pick the right harbor.
Brian Says
Thank you.
William Montgomery
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hans Kim with a very punchy set.
Justin Governale
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What a way to get the show started. Hans Kim.
Hans Kim
Thank you, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow, amazing. A very woman hating set. Are you trying to win over all the incels in your Instagram comments right now?
Hans Kim
Incels? All right, we're a shy bunch.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
D Madness
Do you have a girlfriend?
Hans Kim
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You do?
Hans Kim
Yeah. She's in Europe right now for three weeks, going to bars and drinking.
D Madness
Where in Europe?
Hans Kim
She was in Budapest. She was in Amsterdam. She was in Ibiza.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, people.
D Madness
People cheat in Ibiza.
Hans Kim
Yeah, probably someone very beautiful. Someone with beautiful eyes. Like you.
D Madness
I'll kiss you on your mouth, dog. Shut up. She's not here. Who's gonna tell her?
Hans Kim
Shut up,
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hans. Weeks without a girlfriend and here you are flirting with Matt Rife.
D Madness
Wait, how long is she gone for?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three weeks.
Hans Kim
Three weeks?
D Madness
You're gonna get back and you're gonna have Lego hands, dude. After being in a relationship, poor.
Hans Kim
Thank you, man. Matt thinks this is how big my cock is.
D Madness
That's the whole thing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, it's the actual size of a Lego man's hands. It's that big is what he's saying. What have you been doing to please yourself during this time? We know you are a sex addicted masturbating machine. What's been going on with you, Hans? What have those. Have you been keeping your Hans to yourself?
Hans Kim
Yeah, my Hans has been on my Hans.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The fuck does that mean?
Hans Kim
My Hans has been on my schwans. Just workshopping.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But have you been watching porn or something?
Hans Kim
A lot of porn.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What kind of porn? Have you been in anything wild lately? What's new for Hans?
Hans Kim
I love Japanese massage porn.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Whoa.
Hans Kim
They trick a bitch.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How does that work exactly? What is Japanese massage porn?
Hans Kim
Usually the husband is within earshot.
D Madness
Like physically.
Hans Kim
Yeah.
D Madness
An earshot?
Hans Kim
Yeah. And then they just start touching her and then it just goes crazy.
D Madness
So he just watches this go down sometimes?
Hans Kim
Yeah, it's like a photo shoot. Like this is a fashion shoot. And then they like, he's. She's fogging another dude, so he cucks
D Madness
it the entire time. I never understood the cuck situation.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Me. Yeah. Get out of there.
Justin Governale
Yeah.
D Madness
She's not into you, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right?
D Madness
She's not the one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you. What is it for you, Hans, that turns you on? Having. Watching a man watching a girl having sex with another man?
Hans Kim
I just love seeing, like, a normal person then have sex. Because I don't know how to do that. So it's. I just want to learn how to get from normal to sex from normal. Sorry, guys.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's a real live apology from Hans Kim. You don't get that very often.
D Madness
And the Asian massage porn, do they do the full massage up? Like you have to watch an hour?
Hans Kim
No, I fast forward and.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. All right.
D Madness
He's a good man.
Hans Kim
They're usually quick to the point.
D Madness
It's also mad if they ruin my massage.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's also pixelated, though. You can't even see anything in Japanese. Is that true? Are you watching pixelated Japanese porn?
Justin Governale
Yeah.
D Madness
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Now what is it about that? Why are you watching the Japanese version of this when you could possibly be watching just American cuck porn?
Hans Kim
Yeah, because Japanese are like, seducing and tricking and all that. And Americans are just like, just doing it. Just like. It's kind of boring. I like. I like the process. I mean, everyone hates me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely incredible, Hans. Amazing stuff.
D Madness
It's kind of sad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It is. I know. It's fun. He's that guy. He is that guy.
D Madness
He's going to hang himself with a green belt, karate Belt.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is a karate joke. No doubt about it. Woman president. This is all true. Have you heard this week that she's drunk all the time? This is a new thing that I've. I don't know if it's just coming up on my Twitter feed.
Hans Kim
It's like, wine mom drunk.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Hans Kim
Soccer mom.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. And it kind of makes sense. It seems like that could possibly be true. It explains a lot. Have you heard this theory?
Hans Kim
No, this is the first time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you. Yeah. There's leaks coming out of her camp that she's drunk, drunk all the time. Which would now win. From now on, when you see her and all the videos of her speaking makes perfect sense. Breaking news. The person who's in second place on all the polls to be president seems to be drunk all the time. But, you know, I mean, it's up for us to decide when you hit the polls in November, who you want. You know what I mean? No big deal. It's all your choice.
D Madness
Hans, are you gonna vote? Can you vote?
Hans Kim
Yeah, I can vote. Not near a school, but I can vote.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hansi, you're a great, great person to get the show started. You did it again with a punchy new minute. Thank you, guys. There he goes, the great Hans Kim. And now to the bucket we go. As you know, this is where shit gets crazy. This is where we discover new comedians. It's where we find crazy people. Anything can happen. These people wait all day for this. Their odds are literally 1 in 300. And here we go. It begins with the comedy stylings of Ben Williams. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ben Williams. Here he is.
Ben Williams
I hope y' all doing good, man. Cause I'm not. Cause somebody backstage, he called me Welvin the Great, AKA Deez. Nuts guy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ha.
Ben Williams
Got him, you know. And that made it worse. Cause yesterday, this dude, he got mad. Cause I didn't give him a dollar. So he called me a great value. Dave Chappelle. I was like, I'm broke, nigga. I'm broke. And that's crazy. Cause if Dave Chappelle heard that, he'll probably be like, that sounds like something Ike would say. But that's Austin for you, man. Like, they say, keep Austin weird. I say, keep it the fuck away from me. This dude, he asked me, can he borrow my lighter? So I give him the lighter. This motherfucker start burning himself with it. I get further down the street, this dude, he got his shirt off. He got garbage bags around his hand. He beating the fuck out this tree. And I just Wanted to know, like, what was the root of the problem? I'm pretty sure everybody heard the news about Donald Trump getting shot, and it wasn't news to me because in my neighborhood, everybody gets shot. My dad got shot, and nobody cared, not even me. And I'm the one who shot him. Thank y', all. Ben Williams. Thank y' all so much.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. A minute 15 from Ben Williams. You've been on this show before, Ben?
Ben Williams
Yes, sir. It's my fourth time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fourth time? That's right. I couldn't possibly forget a smile like that that you have. Those teeth are really something else.
Ben Williams
That's a badass vest you got on, too, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, thank you. We're complimenting each other. This is great. We're going tit for tat on compliments
Ben Williams
for when you drown in that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's right. Yeah. And so that you don't shoot me.
Ben Williams
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's bulletproof and a flotation device. I love how you laugh like you're crying. Has anyone told you that. That you look like you're crying when you laugh?
Ben Williams
Nah, you the first.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, there you go.
Ben Williams
You the first dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. It's all happening here tonight, Ben. I noticed you kept glancing at me to see if I was laughing throughout your set. In between each joke, you glanced at me. Tell me why you did that.
Ben Williams
Nah, I wasn't glancing at you. You must have been looking at me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I was. I was looking at you. You are correct.
Ben Williams
You like what you see.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Currently hosting the show, and you realize there's video cameras everywhere that will have you glancing at me in between the jokes. I'm not wrong.
Ben Williams
No, I was looking at that dude, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Nope. I literally. We made eye contact. I even saw you out of my peripheral when I was taking a note. Glance in between jokes when you weren't glancing at me. It's all on record.
Ben Williams
I was looking at mad dude. I was looking at again.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I know. I used to be a little sexy right here. What I'm seeing, you weren't looking at Matt. You were looking right at me. So now.
Brian Cook
No, no, no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Don't take all the glances.
Brian Says
Jealous.
Todd Royce
He's jealous, guys.
Ben Williams
He is jealous. It's enough for me to go around. It's okay, guys. It's all right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's true.
Ernest Evans
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's enough teeth for everyone. It is very amazing. Have you ever been to a dentist, Ben?
Ben Williams
Yes, I've been to a dentist.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do they say when they see those things? What do they say?
Ben Williams
They say I have a great smile.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They have to Say that before or after 9 11, everybody. Red, red man's here tonight for a little comic relief. Would you like to explain that? Are you just gonna let that one.
Ben Williams
Give him one more. Give me one more.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tennis, was it before or after 9 11?
Ben Williams
That, that long ago?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Never mind. There you go, 2001. There it is, there it is. Even Ben looks confused over there. It's like, what the fuck?
Ben Williams
No, I'm a living. Got that Joe Biden over there. I don't know what's going on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Redbird. Today's Thursday. It's Thursday. Oh my goodness. I love it. How long you been on stand up?
Ben Williams
It's been a year and three months now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Ben Williams
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
D Madness
Good shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Ben Williams
First time I did this is four months. I was. First time I got on, I had been doing this four months. So a big chunk of that been in Austin, Texas. Shout out to you weird motherfuckers.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where are you from?
Ben Williams
Originally I'm from Galveston. Galveston, Texas, it's like outside of Houston? Yeah, like still Texas? Yeah. It's three hours away. But where I'm from, don't nobody go nowhere. My mom was like, you on your own? It's three hours away. She'll never come here to see me.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do for work?
William Montgomery
For work?
Ben Williams
I do day Labor. Day Labor. Doing day labor like that. How you picking up trash sometimes, like off the highway. They have you doing certain construction jobs.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This community service?
Ben Williams
No, it's not a million service. It's work for hire. It's work for hire.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know you do like stand up Home Depot or something?
Ben Williams
Yeah, I work with a lot of Hispanics. People shout out to my Hispanic population.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You do stand outside?
Brian Says
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. That's a way to get the crowd on your side when. When shouting out Austin doesn't work. Just go right for the Hispanics 100% of the time. There are a lot of them and they continue to reproduce absolutely non stop. It is a real problem. Do the right thing in November when you hit the polls. So Ben, you literally stand outside of a Home Depot, like with those people kind of, right? Sometimes.
Ben Williams
No, I don't, I don't stand outside.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So how do you get. How do you get work as a day laborer? I'm just curious.
Ben Williams
Okay. They have a lot of places you can go to do day labor and stuff.
Tony Hinchcliffe
To go to places like what kind of places?
D Madness
Like and such as.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I'm sorry.
Ben Williams
Damn. It's one of the things I'm gonna get off stage. Like it hits you in the fucking head. But like what?
D Madness
No one's gonna hit you?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I promise.
D Madness
No one's gonna hit you?
Tony Hinchcliffe
No. No one's gonna hit you?
Ben Williams
Like, people ready? I can't think of the name of the place. That's what I'm saying.
D Madness
It's like the marketplace.
Ben Williams
It's like the. I know the building. You know how you get here? They be like, you looking for jobs? They like. They do day labor here, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's like pulling teeth up here with you. I gotta tell you, it is unbelievable. It is incredible. What do you do for fun, Ben?
Ben Williams
Oh, I do for fun. Like, I like to do music.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you mean by music? What do you mean when you say you like to do music, what does that mean exactly?
Ben Williams
I rap.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You rap?
Brian Says
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right. How many you want to hear? Ben, give us a little rap right now. He could not even remember where he works a minute ago, and now he's going to freestyle rap for us. This should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben William.
Ben Williams
Quit that job. I'm my own boss never take a loss Got big teeth but yeah, I floss bad hoes and I keep it real I might pull my dick out and put it on her grill. What's my name? They call me Ben Will and y' all know every day that I'm finna kill. This is kill. Tony, this the best show, and if you don't like this shit, you a fucking ho.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. The crowd goes wild. Oh,
D Madness
I'm calling Nick Cannon immediately.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. That was amazing.
D Madness
Open with that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's crazy. A full celebration afterwards. You lifted up your shirt for a second looking like burnt Kreischer.
Ben Williams
That was a good one. That was a good one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You did good, Ben. Did you get a big joke book ever on any.
Brian Says
I did.
Ben Williams
I did.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You did. Hey, Ben, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. There you go. He just got booked for a real comedy show. There he goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Williams. This is Kill Tony and our next bucket pull. Anything can happen. The show is cooking. Make some noise for Heidi, everybody. We're here. We are live. We are live. And your next comedian getting the opportunity of a lifetime goes by the name of Austin Ingles, everybody. Austin Ingles. Here we go. Excellent for Austin, everyone. How we doing, everybody?
Austin Ingles
I followed Ben dozens of times. He's never gotten a fucking pop like that before.
Ben Williams
Holy shit.
Austin Ingles
That's impressive.
D Madness
Wow.
Austin Ingles
I didn't think anything would ever be as awkward as of my dad handed me my first condom. That experience is nothing Compared to what happened the other day. I was over my friend's house. As I was leaving, he handed me boner pills. Blue Chews, to be exact. He said, these blue chews are the greatest thing ever. They always work. I said, yeah, why do you think I'm leaving? You're hard right now. I just hate when those commercials say if your erection lasts longer than four hours, you gotta go see a doctor.
William Montgomery
Great.
Austin Ingles
Now I have to go fuck him too. I have a friend who's a doctor, and every year he offers me free prostate exams. And I should take him up on it, but he's an optometrist. No wonder I keep getting pink eye. I'm from the Midwest, so I'm from a small blue collar family. My mom was especially blue collar. Even a little redneck only because my dad couldn't stop choking her.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you, everybody.
Austin Ingles
I'm Austin Ingles.
Ben Williams
Give yourselves a hand.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Austin Ingalls, you say give yourself a hand.
Justin Governale
I might have.
Hans Kim
I'm a little.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in it right now. This is your first time on the show?
Austin Ingles
Oh, yeah.
Brian Cook
Yep.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Welcome. How long you been doing stand up?
Austin Ingles
About three years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three years? We're at. Yep.
Austin Ingles
Illinois, originally. Then I moved here like two months ago.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You say Illinois, which would imply that it's not exactly Chicago.
Austin Ingles
Peoria, illinois.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ooh, Peoria. 45 minutes of both Kinnison and Richard Pryor. Yep. Amazing. And then there's you. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Austin Ingles
I set myself up for that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. No, I actually just came up with it. You didn't really set yourself up. I asked you a question, you gave me the information, then I made that joke. You set? Yeah. Nothing up. I did that. Austin. You live in Austin now?
Austin Ingles
Yep.
Tony Hinchcliffe
For how long?
Austin Ingles
Two months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Two months. Do you love it yet?
Austin Ingles
I do. I'm a door guy at Maggie Mays.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, nice.
Austin Ingles
Right across the street.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Nice. They're doing a little bit of comedy over there too, right?
Austin Ingles
Yeah. Just had a set there and then fucking ran off stage and heard my name got called, so, boom.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Welcome to Austin. Austin.
Austin Ingles
Appreciate you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. And I love it. You work there? You making a living?
Austin Ingles
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You're able to survive. What's your living situation?
Austin Ingles
Well, I have two roommates in Pflugerville, so I got a little bit of a drive.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Boy, oh, boy.
Austin Ingles
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Silent Matt, if you ask someone from Pflugerville, they'll tell you 15 minutes, but it's really 26 minutes.
Austin Ingles
That's actually exactly fucking true. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Austin, why are you so surprised of my control and masterful execution. I know it's 26 minutes. Matt, what do you think about this young buck do?
D Madness
You're funny, man. The redneck joke was fucking hilarious. I haven't been good like original white trash abuse joke in a very long time.
Brian Says
Appreciate.
D Madness
Should start your Netflix special with one. My best advice. Best possible advice.
Austin Ingles
I'm not gonna lie to you. I lied. Right when your Netflix special came out, I was like headlining in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and I said you were gonna be there and like six girls came and they're like, where's Matt? And so six. Only six?
D Madness
I fell off.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Damn. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hopefully things pick up soon for you, Matt. I'm hoping so. I'm hoping so.
D Madness
You're very funny, dude. What do your roommates do?
Austin Ingles
What are my roommates do? One of them is a comic too, and then the other one is in like, tech, and so he doesn't do comedy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How does the other comic make money?
Austin Ingles
I don't know. I hear him like. I've heard him like three times. Mrs. Alarm. So I close it. Maggie's at like three, and then I hear him at 6:00am oh, I've heard it like four times. Just missing his alarm, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right.
Austin Ingles
I think he works at a restaurant, but. But I couldn't tell you, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
D Madness
I feel like the tech guy's just claiming them as dependents.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Austin Ingles
The tech guy is also our landlord, so. Yeah. You're probably not wrong.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
D Madness
With your landlord.
Austin Ingles
I didn't agree to that when I moved here, so.
William Montgomery
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. You live with the Lord.
Ben Williams
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Look at that. It's packed into a little manger. Yeah.
Brian Cook
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
D Madness
How old are you?
Austin Ingles
30.
Ernest Evans
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
D Madness
No, I mean, I don't have a beard, so that's why I was upset.
Austin Ingles
It's not great. I have blonde hair and a red beard, so I. I don't like it.
Martin Phillips
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. What's up with that?
Austin Ingles
I don't know. I couldn't tell you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's interesting.
D Madness
I know who he's voting for.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, for sure. Someone could use a tax break. Anyway, what do you do for fun?
Austin Ingles
Just comedy, pretty much. Like I said, I'm new here, so.
Justin Governale
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Other than comedy, do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I mean, even Ben with the teeth wrapped.
Justin Governale
Have I.
Brian Says
What?
Austin Ingles
Sorry?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ben with the teeth was. Had the ability to wrap.
Austin Ingles
Oh, yeah, I've heard.
Martin Phillips
Yeah.
Austin Ingles
I've heard his sets before. It's not usually. Doesn't go like that pop version you mentioned.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That you took. You took literally 15 of your set to mention that. Ben never does that. Good. You really threw him under the.
Austin Ingles
I feel good about it. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. So there must be some hobby.
Austin Ingles
I love smoking weed. I love taking mushrooms. You know, just the classic.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you like to do when you do those things?
Austin Ingles
Well, back home there was, like, a lot of trails, and I haven't found them here yet. I'm sure there's a bunch in Austin and fl.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Here.
Austin Ingles
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a fully developed place, so.
Austin Ingles
Yeah, I haven't traveled a lot outside of 6th street, you know, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. You're just hopping around Pflugerville.
Austin Ingles
Absolutely.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Going to the old Long John Silver's or whatever out there.
D Madness
Where's. Where's the best. Best hiking trail for him to check out around Austin?
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's the green belt. I do believe it's called that. I've been. Oh, the one.
D Madness
Hans is gonna hang himself. Oh,
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. That worked out. God damn. I don't know how that organic callback happened. That was incredible. The very rare accidental callback.
D Madness
I'll take it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely.
D Madness
Thanks, dog. One person. One person.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I feel like I'm missing something about you, Austin Ingles. There's something. Something I can't quite put. What's your love life like?
Austin Ingles
It's actually great working at Maggie Maze. The drunk women literally just flocked you.
Brian Cook
So.
Austin Ingles
Gotten laid alone three times on that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. So have you ever had sex with a sober woman before?
Todd Royce
Yes.
Javier Ramirez
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But give us an example. Like, when you say they come out, they stumble like.
Todd Royce
Name?
Austin Ingles
You want me to name my girlfriend?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Girlfriend.
Austin Ingles
No. I mean, my ex is. No. Yeah, I. Screw.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. We don't need names.
Austin Ingles
No. Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? You ever give them the. What color are your pubes, by the way? That's a good blonde top. Red beard. I'm guessing purple pubes.
Austin Ingles
They're a little, like little orange tint to them, but not. I like to keep it landscape. All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Gross.
Austin Ingles
I'm a fucking ginger bead. I know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely unbelievable. Yeah. Yeah. Like a court.
Ben Williams
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Little orange hairs. Look at you.
Ben Williams
Yeah.
Ernest Evans
Cute.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like a whole produce section at a grocery store over here. Citrus area. I love it. Austin.
Justin Governale
Yeah.
Austin Ingles
Like three years ago, I saw you guys. You and Red Bandit. Vulcan. You guys are doing a secret show. So it's pretty crazy. It's like three years to the day, so pretty wild.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Unbelievable.
Todd Royce
Yeah, I know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I've been doing comedy for 17 years. It could have said anything.
William Montgomery
Marked the date.
Austin Ingles
I mean, you got Snapchat memories and. Right. They just pop.
D Madness
No, you're 30,
William Montgomery
God damn it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're supposed to have Facebook memories, dude.
Austin Ingles
God damn it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But welcome to the show Austin. You're out doing the Hustle in Austin tonight. Here's a little joke book. Take that.
Austin Ingles
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And sign up again. We'll see you again.
Austin Ingles
Appreciate you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You know, we've been all over the world and. And we were in, I do believe, Portland, Oregon, about, about maybe four, five, six years ago, and we gave away one of our first ever Golden Tickets to a man, funny man. And he's here. He flew in today. Here with the new 60 seconds, I present to you, golden ticket winner, Todd Royce. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Todd Royce.
Todd Royce
Fuck yeah. I've been married for 17 years, and when you're together for a long time like that, you wanna start doing new things in bed. Like, she's learned she should definitely be on top. But we try new things now. Like, I try to be more romantic. She's trying to fuck black guys. The other night, she asked me to choke her. You can't choke your wife of 17 years because you might not stop. It's true. We don't have any children. I don't know what I could possibly teach a kid. I don't know anything about science or history or portion control. I don't know. I do know that if I had a kid, I would teach them that no matter what they identify with, they don't have to conform to all of the rules of that group. Like, someone who's like, oh, I'm a white liberal, but I don't have to use race in every conversation I have. Or someone who's like, I'm trans, but I don't have to be fucking annoying about it. Or, I'm Catholic and I'm not even attracted to children. Thank you, guys.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Todd Royce, that's the golden ticket winner. Great jokes. Thanks the whole way through. Just as always. As you've always done before, Todd.
Todd Royce
Thank you, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. Much like the show, you are bigger than ever.
Todd Royce
I, I, I am a large man. I, I am a very large man. You were asking him what color his pubes are.
Justin Governale
I don't know.
Todd Royce
Maybe you can tell me later, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, you son of a batch, you. You son of a bitch. Oh, Heidi's doing the drums with that. You traitor. This is treason. Oh, you've turned my own people against me. Oh, my goodness gracious. How's it going, Todd?
Todd Royce
It's Going great, man. I got a new podcast. I'm throwing that out there right now. If anybody wants to follow that, subscribe to that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do? Review food?
Todd Royce
I do. It's called the Sweet Potato Pod and it really is. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is it really?
Todd Royce
Yeah, it is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. That's so fitting.
Todd Royce
Thank you. Yeah. Well, listen, I'm a health nut and I like.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, so fitting. Just like your massive clothing.
Todd Royce
I'm wearing my skinny jeans.
Brian Says
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep. Absolutely. Look at you. You are just a big old boy.
Todd Royce
I'm just a big old.
Brian Says
I.
Todd Royce
You know, I was here a month ago and I lost two. Well, I've lost one pound since then, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Come on. Wow. Amazing.
Todd Royce
You Getting there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Slow and steady.
Todd Royce
Even D. Mattis can see how light I am now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Nope. Yep. So remind me, what do you do for work again?
Todd Royce
Just this, actually. No, I'm just doing comedy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Look at that. Full time.
Todd Royce
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good shit. Yeah. Seven people are applauding. Everyone else is like, really?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. No, it is amazing. Yeah, yeah. It's a full time job.
Todd Royce
Yeah, it. It really is. I. I've got a bunch of shows in Las Vegas. I'm actually working with Hans Kim there in October. I'm doing Skank Fest in September.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, hell yeah.
Todd Royce
I'm doing Boston in. In November if anybody.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Look at that.
Javier Ramirez
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Boston. Preparing for its first clam chowder shortage.
Todd Royce
Ooh, I do love clam chowder.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I bet you do. I bet you do. Unbelievable. What does your wife do when she's not plunging the toilet? Remind me again what she does when she's not vacuuming Doritos off the floor. It's absolutely incredible.
Ben Williams
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When she's not. When she's not trying to find a place to sleep at night. Remind me when she's not. Another one. When she's not at the grocery store continuously reloading the refrigerator, which is her nickname for you, is absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do when she. It is absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do?
Todd Royce
She.
Ben Williams
Wow.
Todd Royce
And that's coming from Red Band. I need to get my life together.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Red Band, Meat, Bread Pan. This is incredible. So much about you.
Todd Royce
Are you gonna introduce me to Matt Rife?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, this is Matt Rife.
Todd Royce
Yeah. Hey, Matt. I'm Fat Rife. Nice to meet you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Boom Boom. I've.
D Madness
I've heard of you, man. I heard you got your golden ticket from a chocolate bar.
Austin Ingles
Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's fucking go. Absolutely.
Ben Williams
You're great.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're great.
Ben Williams
You're great.
D Madness
Great tits.
Todd Royce
Thanks, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Great Tits.
Todd Royce
Hey, Matt.
D Madness
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a seizure. Whoa.
Todd Royce
Eye contact, Matt. Come on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness. The old shake and bake.
Todd Royce
That's right. Yeah. What's that? Was that Riggs?
D Madness
That's great.
Todd Royce
Oh, thanks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness. You're welcome. Imagine how big those pecs underneath there must.
Todd Royce
I'm a man, dude.
D Madness
You're a couple of men.
Todd Royce
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love how you take these jokes. Such pro wrestler energies. I remember you used to be a pro wrestler. Do you still dabble in that at all?
D Madness
No way.
Todd Royce
No. I used to for 18 years, but no, I don't anymore.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, the knees.
D Madness
What was your wrestler name?
Todd Royce
I was the American Wet Dream.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah. Look at that. Oh, my God.
Todd Royce
Breaking bodies and banging hotties.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Didn't he break a table on the show once?
Todd Royce
I did. I put Joelberg through a table once. Yeah, no, I did. Yeah. I slammed Jeremiah Watch Watkins on stage once. I fed Luis J. Gomez my kidney stone.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That was your kidney stone? Shut up.
Todd Royce
I figured the only way I can top myself tonight is Rape Red Band.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow, look at that. That will be a little show called Breaking Bed. You too? Fucking would. I mean, just.
Todd Royce
It's pretty hot.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Incredible. I thought I was into Japanese massage porn. Over here. Something for everybody here tonight. What else is going on, Todd? Anything else crazy going on in your life?
Todd Royce
What else is going on? Not. I mean, not a whole lot. Just living in Vegas. I love it there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Todd Royce
Love getting on the road. I love. Yeah, one person loves Las Vegas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Brian Says
You don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you love about Vegas other than the all you can eat buffets?
Todd Royce
Yeah, it's mostly. Yeah, well, you can eat buffets. Yeah, there's a lot of that. There's a lot of. There's a lot of food.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wait, you are in Vegas now. You're the sphere
William Montgomery
now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I remember. That's amazing.
Todd Royce
How fucking dumb am I? That when you got all excited like that, I was like, oh, he remembers. Tony remembers where I am.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's so sad. No, I don't. That was. That was just my brain working.
Brian Says
Yeah.
Ben Williams
No, it's good. It's good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it, Todd. Amazing.
Todd Royce
D Madness. Just got it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, he did. D Madness is on a delay sometimes here.
Todd Royce
This is one of the first times that I've done Kill Tony in Austin. And I remember the first time I did it. I actually. I saw Deep Madness and I thought that Jeremiah Watkins was just taking a wild swing with his character. No, but. Okay, nevermind.
D Madness
It's funny.
Todd Royce
We can cut that one out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Martin Phillips
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thanks, man. There you go. Todd, you are just awesome. We love you. And to be able to have you here for one of your, you know, last performances alive on the planet, you know, we're going to really, you know, but we love you that you just keep kicking non stop and we'll see you in Las Vegas.
Todd Royce
All right, Sounds good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Todd Royce, ladies and gentlemen, golden ticket winner as seen by the strong set, the amazing interview those guys do not around and who knows anybody can get it here. This is where we found all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. And back to the bucket we go, as I introduce to you Ernest Evans. Sizz. It says Ernest Evans. Siz. Here he is. Ernest Evans.
Ernest Evans
Man, my name sucked growing up as a kid. Ernest. Cause you meet a nigga named ernest in his 40s, come with goddamn two divorces, drive around and a gray beard. Nigga's name Ernest come out. The pussy or uncle giving bad advice. Go ahead, jump off that bridge. It ain't gonna hurt. Because how many kids you know right now named Ernest? None. I had to have a son and name him after me just so I can say I know another nigga named Ernest. But my son hates that name. He's like, dad, how come you can name anything black or urban ethnic like Jamal, Keandre or Deontay? I said simple, son. Them niggas don't get hired. I'm Ernest Evans, senior man. Appreciate y'.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All. There you go. Exactly 59 seconds. What a pro. Ernest Evans. That says Sizz. Is that right?
Ernest Evans
The senior man. They came right back there, bro.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What?
Ernest Evans
They came right back there. Senior, Senior.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Senior.
Ernest Evans
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Gotcha. Yeah. That's an sr. All right. You wrote it.
Ernest Evans
I did, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Why did you blame it on somebody else? The fuck was that?
Ernest Evans
I did. I passed the buck quick. My bad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. I love it. Ernest, welcome to the show.
Ernest Evans
Downloading.
D Madness
What I was trying to figure out. When you have a junior, do you have to give yourself the senior title?
Ernest Evans
You don't have to, you just wanted to. I did.
Justin Governale
I like that.
Ernest Evans
I can't have him taking credit for all the shit I did.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. He doesn't want your rap sheet.
Ernest Evans
I ain't never been to jail, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really? I thought I saw that movie Ernest Goes to Jail.
Ernest Evans
Well,
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. So, Ernest, I love your style. How old are you?
Ernest Evans
44.
Tony Hinchcliffe
44. How long you been on standup?
Ernest Evans
Two years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Two years? What made you start at 42?
Ernest Evans
Man, I was in the army for a while and, you know, I was in Charge of a lot of soldiers. And we was in some precarious situations. Shit just sucked, man. So I always try to make every situation light, tell jokes. So that's how I got done.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. I love it. I love it. You were in the army?
Ernest Evans
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You were deployed a lot, I'm sure. Twice, yeah. Where at?
Ernest Evans
Afghanistan. Both times.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Ernest Evans
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Afghanistan. You saw a lot of shit. Oh, yep. A lot of fans of Afghanistan.
Ernest Evans
I seen a couple of these motherfuckers over there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, there are a lot of Afghanis. There's one right there. Look at this guy. Nervous. Oh, yeah, we got one.
Ernest Evans
Get her, Matt.
D Madness
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fellow soldier Matt R. Over here holding
D Madness
his shirt like this cuz the vest. Couldn't breathe. That was right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Sometimes we would send Matt and deploy Matt to Afghanistan to make the enemies come in their pants. So there you go. Thank you. So, Ernest, what's it like being back in America?
Ernest Evans
Where do you live in North Austin.
Tony Hinchcliffe
North Austin. I love it. A lot of North Austiners here today. I love it. What do you do now?
Ernest Evans
I work for the state.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. The state of Texas.
Ernest Evans
Oh, I love it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. We all love Texas here very much. Is this where you're from?
Ernest Evans
No, I'm from a small town called Rockdale, about 45 minutes north of here.
Martin Phillips
Okay.
Ernest Evans
Thorndale, Taylor. Rockdale.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Yeah. All right.
Ernest Evans
Oh, somebody from Rockdale in this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, what is it?
D Madness
I drove through it. Yeah. Can I ask what you did in the army?
Ernest Evans
I was a Blackhawk crew chief.
Tony Hinchcliffe
A what?
Ernest Evans
Have to be, uh, 60 Blackhawk crew chief. Nah, man, that's the best job in the army, man.
D Madness
Would you actually fly the helicopters?
Ernest Evans
No, I was a crew chief. I sat in the back. Mechanic, worked on it, did a lot of missions like. So when the helicopter flew.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, they made you sit in the back? What the hell? Oh my.
Ernest Evans
It'd be like that sometimes, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh my.
Ernest Evans
But the back was the best, man. That's why all the went down.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, tell us about it. What would go down in the back of the helicopter?
Ernest Evans
So flying Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, Washington Reds skin cheerleaders. All this. So I mean, we didn't only just deploy shooting and do missions. We have some fun shit too.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Damn, look at you just chilling with cheerleaders in the back of a chopper. Okay, that doesn't make any sense there, Red Bear. Come on. I love it, I love it. Well, thank you for your service. That is incredible. What does Junior do? What is he up to?
Ernest Evans
He's a junior in high school. Yeah, 11th. 11th grade.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He's a junior. That's a junior.
Ernest Evans
That's a junior. 11th grade.
Tony Hinchcliffe
My goodness. Absolutely incredible. What's he into?
Ernest Evans
Gaming. Fucking PlayStation. Oculus.
D Madness
Do you let him play Call of Duty?
Ernest Evans
Yeah, he does.
D Madness
How realistic is the game compared to your experience?
Ernest Evans
Totally different. Something different than what I did?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. I've never played the level where you're just chilling with cheerleaders.
Ernest Evans
Maybe I should have said the call of booty.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Am I right?
Ernest Evans
That's good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely.
Ernest Evans
I even trademark that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep.
Ernest Evans
Fly some naked all over Afghanistan.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
Ernest Evans
Hell, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let's go. What do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? You have any hobbies or anything?
Ernest Evans
Yeah, I fish, man. Take the kids fishing. Like camping and shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, yeah.
Ernest Evans
Just chill out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. I love that. Absolutely. And you have a wife?
D Madness
Girlfriend?
Ernest Evans
Yeah, I'm married, man. My wife, Michelle, we just had a new baby. She nine months old.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, now, hell.
Ernest Evans
Hey, man, don't clap for that. I ain't got no sleep in nine months. Goddamn. We beefing right now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are you beefing about?
Ernest Evans
I can't get no sleep.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Tony, she doesn't wake up and take care of the baby, man.
Ernest Evans
It's 2024, man. We share. We share partnerships.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, it sucks living in 2020 folk. I hate 2020 folk.
Ernest Evans
You gotta share some shit.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I be hating that, Ernest. I don't know what's gotten into me here. Feeling a little too cozy here with my good friend Ernest.
Ernest Evans
I'm like that, man. That's what I do to people, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You got me talking like you, Earnest.
Brian Says
Oh, man,
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know what it is. It'd be contagious. Contagious is your new kid's name. Am I correct? Contagious Evans.
Ernest Evans
Contagious Evans.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Contagious Evans. Texas A&M. Oh, my God. I love it. You're a funny man.
Ernest Evans
I appreciate it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You've been doing a lot of spots
Ernest Evans
around town, trying to get on, you know what I'm saying? It's a slow, slow grind. But I'm still, you know, keep my head down and keep telling jokes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's it. You're passionate about it. I am.
Ernest Evans
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I like your fucking style. And here is a big joke book from the Great Bonsai Boom. Welcome to the show, Ernest. Sign up again. We'd love to see another minute. The American Dream. Ernest Evans, Sr. Ladies and gentlemen. A hero. That guy. Fighting for our country, Riding around with cheerleaders in a helicopter. What a hero. All right, we're gonna keep it moving along. Your next bucket poll, we're gonna Meet them all together. 60 seconds for Justin Govern Alley, ladies and gentlemen. Justin. Governor.
Justin Governale
I served in the Marine Corps. Yeah, thank me for my. Thank me for my service, bro.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the fuck, dude?
Justin Governale
Fuck him. I served during don't ask, don't tell me. And it changed me, man. Like, I went in as a young, weak boy, and I came out of there as a strong, confident gay man. I wish I could say it was the combat that made me hard, but it wasn't the combat. It was the group showers. If there's any marines out there, I know you got my six. Don't worry, I got your nine, brother. You couldn't be gay and serve in the military, but they'll, like, touch you in the shower. Like, marines will grab your penis. And you're like, hey, it's kind of weird. Feel like I should tell someone, right? So you try and tell your sergeant. You're like, hey, Sergeant Mendoza touched me. And he's like, what? That's crazy.
Martin Phillips
Where?
Justin Governale
Show me. And I'm like, step, sergeant.
Todd Royce
No,
Justin Governale
he's like, you know what, Marine? Show me on me where he touched you. That's it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Justin Governale, welcome. This is your first time on the show, right, Justin?
Justin Governale
That it is.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. How long you been on stand up?
Justin Governale
4 and a half years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Where are you from?
Justin Governale
Laredo, Texas. I live in San Antonio.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You live in San Antonio now?
Justin Governale
I do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And is that true you were in the marines and you're gay?
Justin Governale
I mean, it made me gay, you know? No, I'm not gay. I was in the Marine Corps, though. I served.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hold on. Timeout. Hey, flag on the play. Hey, stolen valor. Hey. The whole minute was about you being gay.
Justin Governale
No, it's because Marines, dude, you have to. You have to be there to understand it. Like, our humor is just so gay, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Well, I guess that makes me a war hero.
Justin Governale
Yeah, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah, dude.
Hans Kim
Yeah.
Justin Governale
Thank you for your service, Tony. Semper fi, brother.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. Okay, so you're not gay at all. All we know about you is that you talked about being gay, but you're not gay.
Justin Governale
I was a scout sniper in the Marine Corps, right? Served from 2004 to 2008. Went to Iraq two times. Got blown up my first patrol. That was fun, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Explain what happened there. Tell us about.
Justin Governale
About that, man. Yeah, it was my first patrol, 2005. I was in Haditha, Iraq. And, dude, it was pretty boring. Like, the whole patrol was, like, pretty damn boring. And I remember thinking to myself, like, man, this is actually pretty boring.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So it's like a. Like a Motorcade of, like, trucks and stuff, and you're just going over a bunch of sand. Yeah, that's really happening.
Justin Governale
Like, my senior Marines were in Fallujah, Right, Right. So the unit we were leaving, they were like, you ready? You ready? And I'm like, what's going on? And then it didn't happen. And he's like, oh, never mind. And then right when he said that, an explosion went off.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Boom.
Justin Governale
And he goes, oh, I guess they're running late today. And I, like, sit down in my chair and the Southern Marines, like, welcome to Iraq, Governor. I'm like, oh, fucking. Hey, that's cool, right? You know, whatever. And then nothing happened for, like, four hours. And then on my way back, right when I said, this is actually pretty boring, and I set my rifle on the truck, fucking boom. I blacked out. And then I woke up and I had this, like, whatever guy next to me was bleeding, you know? But it was kind of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, okay. But. Yeah.
Justin Governale
Yeah, dude. You're gonna trigger my ptsd, brother. There's men everywhere, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Oh, man.
Justin Governale
I don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Justin. Governor. So how long you been doing stand up?
Justin Governale
Like, four and a half years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, that's right. I asked you that. Amazing. You have cauliflower year. How'd you get that? Wrestling.
Justin Governale
I fought for quite. I'm a black belt in Jiu Jitsu.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, okay.
Justin Governale
I am right? It's. What's that? Prove it. See, after the show. See you after class, brother.
D Madness
He's gonna. You.
Justin Governale
Yeah, dude. Did you not hear my entire minute, brother? I got something to prove. Improve. But, yeah, man. Been training 17 years. Black belt and Jiu Jitsu.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Huh?
D Madness
Okay, how tall are you?
Justin Governale
Five six On Tinder. But first of all. But I'm five' five, right? When I stretch my spine all the way, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you really five' five?
Martin Phillips
Yeah.
D Madness
Or did the explosion blow your legs like this?
Tony Hinchcliffe
This guy. Amazing.
Martin Phillips
Amazing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So you're on Tinder? You dating right now?
Justin Governale
No, I'm not on Tinder.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Everything you say is pretty much a lie.
Justin Governale
No, no, I was on Tinder. But I do put five, six. I literally could show you my profile, right? And I'm five, six.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You ever go on a date from someone on Tinder?
Justin Governale
Yeah, I think we all had. Dude, Tinder's trash. Bumble's trash.
D Madness
That's not true.
Justin Governale
Have I been on a. On a date on Tinder?
Brian Says
Yeah.
Justin Governale
Yeah, it. I guess we're here. I'm about to get probably fired from my job, but whatever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What job?
Justin Governale
I. I work in tech.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep.
Justin Governale
Yeah, it's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, you're gonna get.
Justin Governale
Yeah, I'm gonna get fired, dude.
Todd Royce
Let's see.
Justin Governale
I mean, dude, we've all been on Tinder dates. I. One time I was hooking up with this girl from Tinder. Right? Whatever. It is what it is. I'm. Whatever. Okay, so we're. We're hooking up and we're doing the whole, like, the dirty, like, first time hookup stuff, like, slap, slap, like, tell me you love me. All that crazy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What is going on here? We've all been on Tinder dates. We all know it's Tinder, bro.
Justin Governale
It's Tinder.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you.
Justin Governale
You talking about the war made me crazy, man. No.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Jesus Christ. Oh, my.
Justin Governale
The war me up, brother. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And then she starts a girl on a first date.
Justin Governale
It was consensual, Right?
Brian Says
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
She asked for it.
Justin Governale
But yeah, we're.
Javier Ramirez
We're.
Justin Governale
We're going at it, right? And then, you know, you start saying crazy stuff, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What?
Justin Governale
Like, how many guys from the Internet have you. Huh? You.
D Madness
You know, that's what she's asking him.
Justin Governale
Yeah, no, I'm asking her. Yeah, she's asking me.
Brian Says
But.
Justin Governale
But then, then she's like. But then, like, it's like a rhetorical question, you know, she's like, you really want to know? Do you really want to know? And I'm like, yeah, I'm figuring like four or five, whatever, right? And she's like, you really want to know? I'm like, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And she's like, so many.
Justin Governale
And I was like, oh, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Yeah.
Justin Governale
And then whatever. I finish or whatever. And then.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, that's.
Justin Governale
That's 100. A real story. Like. Nah, swear on my life, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
D Madness
How many was so many?
Justin Governale
I don't know, but it was hot,
D Madness
you know, It'll be so many to you. Like, how many would be enough that
Justin Governale
you're like, ah, I honestly don't care, dude, if I'm being real.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Were you wearing a condom at the time?
Justin Governale
Yeah. 100.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Were you wearing a condom with this girl?
Justin Governale
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, well, yeah. And it doesn't matter.
Justin Governale
Yeah, it doesn't count. You know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
It matters.
Justin Governale
You're just a human, like all the
Tony Hinchcliffe
marines at that point.
Justin Governale
What's that?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're just human dildo at that point?
Justin Governale
Nothing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, Yeah.
Justin Governale
I stopped though, man. I haven't. Haven't had sex since like, July 5th.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. What the happened on July 4th? Oh, my God.
D Madness
I think he told us
Tony Hinchcliffe
somebody red, white, and blue. What the happened July.
Justin Governale
No, I just. I'm just taking a break in general. Right. Because it gets you in trouble, dude.
Ben Williams
Mean.
Justin Governale
No, it gets you in trouble, dude.
D Madness
Breaks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's up?
D Madness
Dudes don't take breaks.
Justin Governale
I was just promiscuous for so long, I got, like, tired of it.
D Madness
Like, actually, you got so much. You got tired.
Justin Governale
No, I'm not. I don't want to be that guy. Like, yo, I got all the time, right.
Austin Ingles
It just.
Justin Governale
It creates problems, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You don't want to be that guy. But you talked about being gay, which you're not. Yeah. So you want to be that guy.
Justin Governale
I mean, it's the bit, man. It's the bit, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, dude.
Justin Governale
Thank me. Thank me for my service, dude.
D Madness
Thank you for your service.
Justin Governale
Yeah, thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you.
Justin Governale
I'm kidding.
D Madness
Still mention it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Justin. Well, I mean, very, very interesting guy. You have any special skills or talents or anything?
Justin Governale
I'm a survivalist. I was on Naked and Afraid for
Tony Hinchcliffe
really sort of good.
Justin Governale
I did two seasons.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Justin Governale
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Was your name Justin Governalle on the show?
Justin Governale
Yeah, Justin Governall.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I swear on my life. I want to see this guy's cock. Here we go. Govern Alley. Here's the part where we get to watch. There's the typo. Ali. Oh, my God. There you are. Oh, my God. Wow. You are more afraid than naked in this one. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. Oh, wait, you're Michael Gonzalez.
Justin Governale
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Dude, that is incredible. Wow, look at that. There he is.
Justin Governale
I lost 38 pounds.
Ben Williams
Yeah.
Justin Governale
I got everything done up right here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Absolutely incredible. Michael, he's you. You step. Short hair and a beard.
Justin Governale
Yeah, dude.
Austin Ingles
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I did a Mexican and afraid.
Justin Governale
The. The first one Mexican. Yeah. Half Mexican and afraid, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What's the other half? Gay. But I'm not gay.
D Madness
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Here's a little joke book. There he goes.
Hans Kim
Justin.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Governor, thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, where it is indeed time for one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, fresh off of msg. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only Cam Patterson.
Ben Williams
I was in Kansas City on Wednesday. I love Kansas City. It's my favorite place on earth. They have really good barbecue in Kansas City. Patrick Mahomes is black as hell. Taylor Swift got a fat ass, and I love it. I also was in Chicago this weekend. No gun violence at all. I loved it. The bean was beautiful. I'm done. All right.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. That's fucking fun. Little something different. Hostage situation. Well, you were reading all of that off of a W9 tax form. That's incredible.
Ben Williams
That's why I was shaking. I was really scared the whole time. I gotta pay taxes now. I thought I was up. Bitch, I'm broke as hell. This shit.
Brian Says
This shit not fun.
Ben Williams
I'm going to jail.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Cam Patterson, you've done it again. A very fun, experimental out of the box minute for you. How's life going, Cam?
Todd Royce
It's good.
Ben Williams
Hell yeah, it's good.
Javier Ramirez
It's been fun.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How was Chicago? For real?
Ben Williams
Chicago was actually pretty cool. The bean was fucking stupid. That was dumb in here. That's the dumbest. Let's make a mirror look like a bean. They gonna love it. That's dumb as. I hated that. That was stupid.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What was the bean?
Ben Williams
The bean.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Big like metallic Terminator thing. Glob in the middle of downtown.
Ben Williams
Yeah, they got a bean.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago. Yeah, it's like all mirrors.
Ben Williams
You've never heard of the bean?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You all have heard of this. How the.
Ben Williams
It's a pretty huge, huge thing, though.
Tony Hinchcliffe
B, E, A N. Yeah, a bean.
Hans Kim
Bean.
Brian Says
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What the. Are you guys.
D Madness
You've never seen that?
Tony Hinchcliffe
No. What the. Is going on? The arch, man.
Todd Royce
It's the same.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You gotta be kidding me.
Ben Williams
You've never.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I've never heard of this or seen it or referenced it or anything. D Madness is laughing at me. How the. Have you seen the beat? There's no way. You know what the fuck is going on right now. This is like a simulation or something.
Ben Williams
How the.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Has the bean avoided me and I've avoided the bean. We'll be right back. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable. This is. That's crazy.
D Madness
What do you do when you're in Chicago?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I. I don't know. I do shows. I eat pizza. I. I fly away. Chicago's just a. I mean, you know, shout out to the fans, but I get in, I get out, I get back, and then I gotta go flick the bean.
Ben Williams
You gotta go touch it. You gotta go touch that bean.
D Madness
Don't touch it. It's filthy.
Ben Williams
Yeah, My dog spit on it. Your dog spit on my homeboy was just mad. Oh, ok. Ass.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Ben Williams
I mean, not. Yeah, the bean.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The bean.
D Madness
Touch your dog. Okay, okay, Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I can't believe this.
Ben Williams
That's crazy. You've never seen.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I can't believe there's anything that exists that I don't know about.
Ben Williams
That's. It's just. It's stupid, though. It's dumb.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, it was a crackhead there.
Ben Williams
That nigga was like. He was Fucking with us. Cause we was like. We were just doing a bunch of dumb shit around it. And then he was just dead legging people for no reason.
D Madness
Just kicking him in the back of the knee.
Ben Williams
In the back of.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Fine.
Ben Williams
Just be like, fuck you, gay ass nigga. And walking off.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Ben Williams
And he was Mexican, so I was confused. But I wasn't gonna tell him.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Damn.
Ben Williams
I wasn't gonna tell him at all. Like, you in the right, brother. You do what you do. Have a good day. You enjoy yourself. You having a good time right now? He was like. He was having a great time. I loved it. It was pretty funny to. They were pretty funny to me. I liked it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. And you were also in Kansas City. Yeah.
Ben Williams
That place is terrible.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yes, it is.
Ben Williams
That's a horrible place. That's a horrible place. It really is the reason I wanted to do that shit with a hot situation. Cause, like, at the show, I was like, I'm only here for like a day. What should I do? And everybody was like, go get barbecue. And I was like, nigga, I live in Texas. What the fuck?
Tony Hinchcliffe
And they were like, boo, right?
Ben Williams
Why the fuck would I go here to get barbecue, nigga, that place.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a different barbecue there, though.
Ben Williams
It is. It's good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Like, different places have different barbecues. Okay, Fat ass n play.
Martin Phillips
Exactly.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah. Red band just puts barbecue sauce on anything and it makes it delicious. It's not. They don't compete or compare with our barbecue. I got a word for you afterwards. What?
Ben Williams
This is gonna call me a nigga in his mind.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long is that fucking bean been there? I wanna. This is blowing.
D Madness
Say like 60 years.
Ben Williams
It's been there a long time.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you serious?
Ben Williams
Yeah.
D Madness
I can't believe you've never seen it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
2006. Oh, okay.
Ben Williams
Well, not 60 years.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, all right. All right.
Ben Williams
That was off.
Tony Hinchcliffe
18 years. Why is the bean in Chicago famous? Let's click on this real quick.
Ben Williams
I watched it. There's no reason.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Weird looking bean.
D Madness
Podcast pie.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Bean pie? Yeah.
D Madness
You've never had bean?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What is going on?
Ben Williams
No, no, you're not wrong. What the is that?
D Madness
You know what bean pie is?
Ben Williams
Look at me.
D Madness
It's a. It's. It's. It's a black thing.
Ben Williams
For real?
Justin Governale
Yes.
Ben Williams
Oh, it is. Oh, no. Muslims.
D Madness
Yes, the Muslim.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, yeah.
Ben Williams
Oh, y' all don't know bean pie. Y' all don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Be.
Ben Williams
You know, be he not really black. We don't know him.
Ernest Evans
Snipers.
Justin Governale
Kill him.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Cam. Always so much goddamn fun. I love you. Everybody loves you. You're amazing. Taking over the world. There he goes. Cam Patterson, on to the next one. Back to the bucket we go. And I bring to the stage. Make some noise for Brian says, everybody. Here we go. Brian says is next.
Justin Governale
All right.
Brian Says
I just found out I'm gonna be a father. It's court ordered. It's court ordered. Calm it down. Yeah, it's me. I had a crazy day today. I got dead Named earlier today. Do y' all know what dead naming is, or. All right, all right, it's fine. It's a mixed crowd. I'll let you know. So if you're not aware, dead naming, it's a term that was adopted by the transgender community, but it's when somebody refers to you by your old name rather than the name you are now. So I got dead Named earlier today. I was walking up the street, and I bumped into this white guy, and he said, hey, watch it, nigger. And I was like, whoa, my name's Brian now. It's not nigger anymore, buddy. Come on.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Geez.
Brian Says
What are you, transphobic? What the hell? If you. If you guys are wondering, I can tell that joke. I have a black friend, so I can tell that joke. I believe. Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Brian says, everybody. Fuck yeah. I believe I bumped into you earlier. Welcome back to the show, Brian. You've been on before.
Brian Says
I have not been on before, no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're friends with Cam, and I met you before, is that right?
Brian Says
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Correct. There we go. That's how I know you. Welcome, welcome. Yeah. First time on the show. How long you been doing stand up?
Brian Says
It's about six months now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. I love it. All of it. Here in Austin?
Brian Says
Yeah. Yep.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is this where you're from?
Brian Says
No, I came here from Atlanta.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Atlanta?
Brian Says
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Born and raised.
Brian Says
I moved around a lot, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, where else have you lived?
Brian Says
Virginia, Maryland, California.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You ever seen the Bean before?
Brian Says
Yeah, the Bean. Yeah, of course, dude. The Bean.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Brian Says
You're talking about. Wait, maybe. Is it Chicago's the Bean?
Tony Hinchcliffe
My God.
Brian Says
What are we talking about, dude?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, have you.
Brian Says
Have you. You've been there, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I. I've been to Chicago so many times. I've performed in arenas, theaters, comedy clubs. I've done it all in Chicago, and I've never heard of the Bean.
Brian Says
Oh, wow. Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Just found out about it. Looked like a total dumbass in front of millions of people, it turns out, because I don't know about some stupid nothing burger bean. It's just a big mirror. Do you know about this, Carrie? Jesus Christ. Everybody knows about it but me. Horn players. Did you know about the bean? Jesus Christ. This is unbelievable. It's the stupidest thing that I didn't know about my whole life. I pride myself, I watched jeopardy. And I beat the people to the answers. And I would have lost on the bean. I would have lost on the bean. I'll beat anybody in non bean trivia right now. And here I am.
Brian Says
Sure you will, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Whoa, what the fuck's that supposed to mean? You wanna have a round of trivia right now on
D Madness
trivia?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you challenging me to a game of trivia?
Brian Says
I guess. I guess I am now. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. This is the first ever. How are we gonna do this, Brian? Look up trivia questions on your iPad.
D Madness
Any specific subject or anything.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know.
Brian Says
Is this all bean? Is this all being or.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, it's no bean trivia. No bean can't have anything to do with the bean. Even though I know it was built in 2006. It's a mirror like structure shaped like a bean. Which averages about 7 million visitors per year.
Brian Says
Yeah. Yep, yep. I've been one of them.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, I guess I'll ask the questions. Here we go. Yes. How many colors are in the rainbow?
Brian Says
Tony, you know this one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You son of a.
Brian Says
Little bit of home cooking over here. God damn. How many fingers fitting an ass do you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you know the answer, Cuz I do.
Brian Says
I. I know. I don't.
Justin Governale
I don't know.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You don't. It's seven.
Brian Says
Yep.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. That is correct. Tony wins this one. Gay trivia. Welcome to Gay Trivia Arabia, ladies and gentlemen.
Brian Says
So proud, Tony. We're so proud.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, here's another question.
Ben Williams
Who is the Greek goddess of love?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, I'm gonna go with. You have an answer here.
Brian Says
I have an answer.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. What's your answer?
Brian Says
I have an answer and my answer is no.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No phoning a friend here. Stop whispering over there. You fucking stop talking.
Brian Says
We can.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have an answer?
Brian Says
I'm going Aphrodite.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's what I would have said. Is that the correct.
Ben Williams
Oh my God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You guys are both right.
Ben Williams
Whoa.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Aphrodite. Wow. Amazing. How do you guys know that and not the bean? Come on, keep going. Come up with another question.
Ben Williams
What do you call a baby goat?
Brian Says
Oh, that's okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have an answer? Go ahead.
Brian Says
It's. It's a kid.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's a what?
Martin Phillips
It's a kid.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Kid.
Brian Says
It's a kid.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You are correct. It is a young boy. I don't think I knew that.
D Madness
Crank it up, Red.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You might actually be winning this. Come on, give us a hard one. All right. Who was the queen of France during the French Revolution? Oh, what? Well, nobody knows about queens more than me.
Brian Says
It's unfair. Yeah. I can't phone a friend. I cannot phone a gay guy. No, across the state. I got. I'm going Queen Elizabeth. Seems like a good guess. Okay, hard nose. I'm going Elizabeth.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's a good guess. I'm gonna go with Antoinette. You know what? I'm gonna give it to you, Tony. It's Marie Antoinette. That is correct.
Brian Says
Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Why don't we do something. Something special. Why don't we switch it to black trivia just so that I could flex on you people right now. Look up black trivia questions. Formerly from Atlanta. Been all over, supposedly. All right, let's find out. Black trivia. All right. You know, helping black guy or girl or whatever the going on there. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what exactly you are. Kind of look like you have tailored tits. I don't know what's shaking over there, but I'm gonna take it. All right, here we go. He was the first African American to graduate from Harvard University and became a US Senator. Dude, shut the up over there. Do you have an answer?
Brian Says
I am really gonna need some help on this one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, there's no help. There's no help, you son of a bitch. But can I just say, you are the help. Take back your rainbow joke.
Brian Says
Yes. Gay beats black again, huh? Let me just. I just want to make it clear. I do like black people. I like my culture. Do not judge me by this answer
Hans Kim
I'm about to give.
Brian Says
I really love us. We're good people. We're good, smart people from Harvard. There's so many that are graduated from Harvard that the first one. How could we. If I, you know, I choose to.
Brian Cook
Let's.
Brian Says
As long as we cross it, we make it to the mountaintop. Doesn't matter who gets there at first.
Ernest Evans
That's Martin.
Brian Says
That's mlk. I know that guy. That's a black. Okay, this sucks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Black guy.
Ben Williams
What was the year?
Brian Says
Can I get a year?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Give him the year. Red band. Give him the year. I don't think it's gonna help at all. Well, the answer is not available.
Brian Says
This show sucks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, it doesn't say a year. So I don't know.
Brian Says
I hate Red Band's answer because I can't think of one either. I just can't think of one. So maybe it didn't happen. Clarence Thomas. That's a. Is that a black guy? Fuck.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is a black guy. He's on the Supreme Court.
Brian Says
Okay, final answer.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Of all the black guys that have been to court, he's the only one that went to the Supreme Court.
Brian Says
Yeah, Supreme.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The most high.
Brian Says
We're gonna call this a draw. Right, Tony
Tony Hinchcliffe
again, he was a US Senator.
Brian Says
Give me a first letter.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Letter.
Brian Says
I just need a letter.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know what?
Ben Williams
I'll. I'll give you that.
Justin Governale
H. Ah,
Brian Says
Yes, the H.
Ben Williams
You know what?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Your time is up, man. We went through enough time. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder is my answer.
D Madness
You.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You both are wrong. Camera Revel. And I have one last question. Oh, okay, right. Welcome back to Ghetto Jeopardy. Ladies and gentlemen. Last question. Which popular dish often associated with the Southern United States and African American culture?
Brian Says
Chicken.
William Montgomery
Let's get out of here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Chicken is traditionally made with black eyed peas and is considered to bring good luck when eaten on New Year's Eve. Do you know the answer? God, yeah. Would you like to give it a guess?
Brian Says
It's around. Gumbo. It's not gumbo, but it's around there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Would you like the answer?
Brian Says
Is this New Orleans?
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is a bean question.
Brian Says
It's.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's bean related.
Brian Says
I think black. It's greens. Greens. Black Eyed peas is greens.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is that your final answer?
Brian Says
That's what I'm saying. God damn it. D. Madness.
Ernest Evans
Good.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is that your. You have an answer?
Brian Says
New Orleans. I'm sorry? New Orleans celebration.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They didn't say that. You said that.
Brian Says
Oh, New year, so. Oh, of course. New Year's. I'm thinking New Orleans. Of course. Okay. So.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Huh. Do you have an answer?
Brian Says
No, I do not.
D Madness
Any dessert?
Ernest Evans
Huh?
D Madness
Any dessert?
Brian Says
Oh, just a dessert. No, we're on dessert now.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's not a dessert. It's an entree.
Brian Says
His white tricks.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Do you have a guest dessert? I'm gonna go with jambalaya.
Brian Says
I'm jumbo. I'm going.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're both wrong. It's Hoppin John. I don't know if that's real. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Okay. Welcome to the show, my friend. Very funny performance. Welcome. Very fun. The first ever trivia on Kiltoni. First ever black Jeopardy. We're taking chances here. It's a very loose show. Anything can happen. Always adding new segments, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, we're going back to back. Brian's here. It's Brian Knight on kill. Tony, look out. Make some noise for Brian Cook. Wow. Red band loves cooks. Here we go. Brian Cook.
Brian Cook
Thank you very much. Now, I am a music fan to the point where I take it personally sometimes. I was listening to the classic album Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys, but I was listening on YouTube and YouTube has the comments down at the bottom. And can you believe what this chucklehead said? And I quote, this album is three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drumbeat. No, exactly. Officially. For the record, I love the Beastie Boys. I'm a big fan. But if we're taking the macro view, if we're looking at things in the big picture, isn't all hip hop three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drum beat? That's what every rap album ever is. And if you think I'm picking on hip hop, I am not. It's the same way that every death metal band that's ever existed is five retards making the most unpleasant noises humanly possible. It's the same way that stand up comedy is one retard trying to be clever. You see, there's a pattern of behavior here. Now, I believe in diversity. I support diversity. Diversity is a stripper I met over at the Yellow Rose. She's a lot of fun. She's working tonight. So everyone please go support diversity.
Brian Says
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, Brian Cook calling everybody every artist a.
Brian Cook
We're all in this together.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it. You've been on this show before, correct?
Brian Cook
I was back in June.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I remember you. I remember every guy that I think my mom when I was younger.
Brian Cook
It happens.
D Madness
What about when she's older?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, you son of a. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Too many. Brian Cook. So how long you been doing stand up?
Brian Cook
Three years?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Three.
Brian Cook
Two and a half. But three. We're in the year three.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We're rounding up. Exactly, gentlemen. Absolutely. And what do you do for a living, Brian?
Brian Cook
I recently switched jobs. I was working at the car dealership. Now I'm a delivery driver. So we're still out in Austin traffic.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it.
Brian Cook
What are you delivering alcohol to venues and bars and restaurants all over town.
Tony Hinchcliffe
And underage girls, apparently. Oh, no, no, no.
Brian Cook
I hate to have to say this once a week. I am not Charlie She Machine. I do not behave like that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right, but.
D Madness
But you're wearing his shirt.
Brian Cook
But I'm wearing a shirt. I rated his work.
D Madness
Just like, remember the short dude from that New York bagel shop who's like,
Tony Hinchcliffe
you're not my father or God?
D Madness
Is it okay for 5 foot women to say you could kill yourself on dating websites? No one's seen this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
D Madness
It's the exact shirt.
Brian Cook
I like his taste.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, no. Okay.
Brian Cook
Swinging a miss. It's your being.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have a lot of energy.
Brian Cook
Yes, I do.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Brian. Where do you get this energy?
Brian Cook
From the good Lord. It is just a natural gift. No, I'm stoked to be here. This is awesome. We're here in Austin.
Justin Governale
We got our health.
Brian Cook
What's to complain about?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely, man.
D Madness
You're so optimistic something bad's gonna happen to you. He's too positive. Soon to be hiv.
Tony Hinchcliffe
The good Lord gives you your energy. Do you go to church?
Brian Cook
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, I haven't.
Brian Cook
I haven't found one in Austin I liked, but there was one back in Huntsville I love Shout out to Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
D Madness
This is not the platform to shout out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, hip hop's retarded. Hip hops. This is. That's. We're. I went to a strip club. Shout out to the. Shout out to the First Pentecostal out in Huntsville, Alabama.
Brian Cook
There are some mixed signals being sent.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. You believe in the Lord so much that wind blows through your hair continuously. It is incredible. It is. There. There you go. Now you just got a little cotton candy hanging off the top there. You got to zoom on that yoni. There you go. There you go. It's absolutely stunning. I love it.
Brian Cook
There's the thumbnail for next week or whatever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Probably five years away from the same hairdo, so I'm not gonna roast you too hard here. So tell us, Brian, what else you've been up to? What are you up to in this crazy. How old are you?
Brian Cook
47. Birthday was last week.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Hold on. What?
Brian Cook
Oh, yeah.
D Madness
You're 47.
Brian Cook
Tony and I have had this conversation previously.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. This is incredible.
D Madness
So we're not that healthy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. Four years older than him. You're four years older than him, Brian, what did you see? What exactly did you witness when you were.
Brian Cook
Apparently the dark, darkness and the sadness. And that's what drove me into comedy at middle age.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you. What kind of darkness and sadness?
D Madness
Oh, I'm. That's what he called Brian and Cam.
Brian Cook
Yeah, exactly.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, I'm Brian. Nice to meet you. Darkness and sadness. Hey, why that motherfucker's hair blowing around like that? Oh, my goodness. So what have you been doing with your life, Brian?
Brian Cook
We were in the army. We were a music journalist. We went back to school. The pandemic happened, and now we're here.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How about since. Well, you were on the show. I can't really remember what happened. I think I have Alzheimer's. I've probably been to the Bean. What's going on? What's happened since your last time on?
Brian Cook
I've been hitting it hard around Austin, Texas, getting booked on stuff, really putting forth the effort, making the most of the opportunity. Here. We're back to the positivity.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely.
Brian Cook
Too much unity.
Tony Hinchcliffe
100%.
Brian Cook
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Why do I feel like you're working on some kind of, like, science project at home?
Brian Cook
Because I'm not allowed to talk about that under the advice of legal counsel.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay. What are your hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that would have, like, little doll houses or something like that.
Ben Williams
No.
D Madness
Oh, yeah.
Brian Cook
I still buy and sell baseball cards on ebay. That's, like, my thing, you know, after work.
D Madness
That's dope. What's, like, what's the coolest piece of sports memorabilia you have?
Brian Cook
The biggest one I ever hit on is I bought six Patrick Mahomes rookies for $5 a piece. Yeah, that's. That's my greatest hit right there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So what are those at? About?
Brian Cook
Probably about five, 600 each.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Brian Cook
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go.
Brian Cook
If you. If sports dorks. Mitch Trubitsky was supposed to be the big quarterback that year, remember? Three Super Bowls later, here we are.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep. Chicago Bears. Mitch Trubisky. The Chicago Bears, not the Chicago Beans.
D Madness
Did you play sports growing up? Yep.
Brian Cook
Baseball.
D Madness
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Second base.
Ernest Evans
No. Outfield.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah. Right field.
Brian Cook
Right field and center field. I was really good defensive outfielder. I could run the balls down.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, that sounded okay.
Brian Cook
Well,
Brian Says
yeah.
D Madness
I feel like you're a great dad, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You have kids?
Brian Cook
No, I do not.
Brian Says
What? Wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
D Madness
Big miss.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Brian Cook
Yep.
D Madness
Because of religious reasons?
Tony Hinchcliffe
No.
Brian Cook
We got divorced. And if we want the comedy answer. You ever say something as a joke, but you mean it? If we had had kids, we would have produced a super villain. So I think we did the world a favor there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Why do you say that?
Brian Cook
Because it's too like what they say, you know, in the AA meetings and all that, that sometimes two heads are better than one. You keep yourself on track, but sometimes you just enable each other so hard.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You go to aa?
Brian Cook
Used to.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How long have you been sober?
Brian Cook
We're going with that California sober thing, and we'll say two months.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, okay. Oh, man. Cheers. Yeah. So how long were you sober when you were sober? Oh, what's the longest you've gone?
Brian Cook
No, let me think of how to phrase this. It's more of a. Like, you go on vacation, right? Some people go to Hawaii. I go on a bender.
Brian Says
You know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay, when you go on a bender, what does that look like? Explain to us. This is all starting to make floor
Brian Cook
is covered with empty beer cans where you cannot walk to the bathroom, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Justin Governale
Yeah.
Brian Cook
Let's do it up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing. Look at you. You're a little party machine. Brian. Curse. Yeah.
Brian Cook
Yes. Like, it's a horrible, horrible habit. And I know better. I apologize. But yes. The F word's my favorite word.
D Madness
Which one is?
Brian Cook
Oh, the word.
D Madness
You barely said it.
Brian Cook
I know. I barely said. Well, let's make up for that. It could be almost every word in the sentence. The wow.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's right. Shout out to the church in Huntsville, Alabama. Amazing. So you love cuss words. What's your favorite? Racial slur? D Madness. Plug your ears. Okay, I'm just. I'm just kidding. I was kidding. I was kidding.
D Madness
Don't do it.
Brian Cook
The fact that we're running through choices says enough.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, exactly. You really thought we were playing ghetto Jeopardy again for just trying to ask help from the audience. I love it. So, Brian, what else you do? You write about music, you judge music, but you don't do anything with music yourself. Not anymore. What did you used to do?
Brian Cook
Played rhythm guitar in a terrible band. That was a Hate Breed ripoff.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That was a Hate Breed?
Austin Ingles
Yeah.
Brian Cook
You ever heard that band Hate Breed? We sounded exactly like them. It was a decent show, but zero original thought, huh? That's all right. You're missing nothing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
D Madness is a few whiskeys deep tonight. Oh, really? What are you drinking tonight?
Ben Williams
Coffee.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow.
Ben Williams
What's going on?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness. D Madness is sober. This is absolutely incredible. That's amazing. All right, all right. Okay, so don't. Hate Breed is like a heavy metal rock band.
Brian Cook
Yeah, Mosh pit stuff, you know, Metal band.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Right. Did you sing at all for them?
Brian Cook
Like the backup vocals?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Can we hear. Can you guys play some heavy metal for a second? I want to hear what Brian Cook sounds like. Oh. Oh. Oh, my God. What the. What the. Need to get some just for men. Craziest grandfather I've ever seen in my life.
D Madness
Divorced.
Brian Cook
Can you believe it?
D Madness
Bro, that was amazing.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I think. Thank you. And you don't want to curse. That's so weird.
D Madness
I feel like I just got fisted in a Spencer's. Dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I mean, you have such an interesting range. Oh, yeah. The lung power. Wow. What was the church that you shouted out earlier?
Brian Cook
Oh, they're going to love this. The Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, all right, all right, all right. What size joke book did you get. Last time you were on a small one. Well, I'm going to tell you what, I like your energy. I don't know about the set. The set was okay. I love the interview. I like your style. There he goes. Brian Cook. Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen. All right, we're coming around the mountain. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another golden ticket winner. I gotta get up here. This guy's on an absolute kill streak of mass proportion. He's unstoppable right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show, this is a new minute from Martin Phillips.
Martin Phillips
You know, we're. We're in Texas. You know, the cowboy outfit is pretty pricey. You know, the hat, the boots, it's expensive. People. People pay a lot of money to look gay. Tone it down. I think reading a food blog. I read it because pornstar writes it. You know, I'm tired of watching you have sex. I want to get to know you. Martin. Open up.
Tony Hinchcliffe
But
Austin Ingles
anyway,
Martin Phillips
in Great Britain, they call ladybugs ladybirds because red is the color of normal women and they fly like birds. And it's kind of like we call them ladybugs because they're not fucking birds. Like, duh, like, don't want a bird.
Tony Hinchcliffe
They're looks like, you know, Martin Phillips has done it again. I mean, you are unstoppable. So many great sets from you.
Martin Phillips
It is the only situation where I'm unstoppable. It's all like
Tony Hinchcliffe
rock solid material. Unbelievable, Unbelievable structure from a guy who is off balance all the time. You came out guns ablazing, made fun of cowboys, looking gay, even though you're the one with the broke back.
Martin Phillips
But you have it for the other reason.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You son of a bitch. You son of. You're one of the few men I could easily rape. So you be careful over there. You be careful or else my cerebral ballsies. You know what I mean? Hello. Hello. I want to see your bean. Matt Wright's like, where the am I right now? What. What is this chaos? Matt? How about the great Martin Phillips, huh?
D Madness
So funny.
William Montgomery
When.
D Madness
When were you vaccinated?
Martin Phillips
Oh, dude, years ago. Years ago. I was about the first.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah,
Hans Kim
yeah.
D Madness
So do you. Do you actually read food reviews?
Martin Phillips
Not that all that. I don't see the. I read a Portland star did it, but I never actually read her work. But I considered it. I was like, well, you know, this might be good.
D Madness
Support the art, of course.
Martin Phillips
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, favorite food? I don't know.
D Madness
Soup.
Martin Phillips
I'm not that retarded.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Martin Phillips
Certain hate it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness. Whoa. Taking shots. Taking shots at the even less fortunate than yourself. That's absolutely incredible. These people would all kill one another if given the opportunity. Martin, do you cook at home?
Martin Phillips
I. I have a. I have a crock pot.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Like, a lot y. Crock pot is very hard to drop. It stays on the counter the entire time. Yeah, unlike a frying pan or a regular pot. Yeah, crock pot stays stable. It's hard to it up.
Martin Phillips
Exactly. Anyone can do it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's true. That's true.
Martin Phillips
That's why the tack line could be it. Anybody can do this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you like to make in your crock pot? Have you ever made any hopping johns, perhaps, or.
Martin Phillips
Actually, my dad. Actually, she makes that every new year, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Really?
Martin Phillips
I swear to God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Look at that. He uses shake and bake.
Martin Phillips
My dad makes it. Not me. My dad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, well, at least something was hopping in that household. All right. I love it. Martin, what you been doing with yourself lately?
Martin Phillips
Oh, I've been all over, you know, toward. Around and whatnot, doing some shows. Aaron Belial is bringing me around. I think he just wants to get paid twice because people think we're the same person. So I think that's his scheme, you know?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yep. That makes sense. You guys are out there touring around, getting on the airplane before everybody else.
Hans Kim
Oh, yeah.
Martin Phillips
Still, I don't know what it's like to wait. I was like, what am I, a peasant like that? You know, I'm waiting.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely. Absolutely. You can you get to be on the plane anywhere but the emergency exit row? Yeah, yeah. That guy, you know, you ever been in the emergency? You ever just lie and, like, pretend
Martin Phillips
like, you know, I think once that there's no other scene. And I don't like to sit there, though, because I'm. I'm an anxious guy. So we did turbulence. Opening the door, flying out, I was like, sorry, my bad, man. I'm not a good guy. From door.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What else is going on, Martin?
Martin Phillips
You know, I know, I know. Last time I was, you know, I did kind of get overly heated about my driving.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah, you were very offended, Which I do.
Martin Phillips
Which I do. But at the good driving story I have.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You've been driving. What happened?
Martin Phillips
So here is what this is. Back home, it was like a narrow street, and my side mirror, like, scraped the car. And I didn't realize that, but the guy chased me down, and he was, like, yelling at me and stuff. And then I get out the car, and he was like, never mind. Okay, Now I thought it was like a Jedi mind trick. I was like, oh.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So.
Martin Phillips
And the best part, he apologized to me. I was like, damn.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely amazing.
Martin Phillips
So, yeah, no one's questioning me about my driving. They just been really happy for me.
D Madness
How much is your insurance?
Martin Phillips
I never been in an accident, so.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing.
D Madness
If you need a guy. I'm friends with Shake from State Farm.
Martin Phillips
Yeah, good one.
D Madness
Thanks.
Ben Williams
I'm not proud of him.
D Madness
I'm gonna have to go to his church.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know who your insurance company is, but thank goodness your disease isn't progressive.
Martin Phillips
That is a girl.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
D Madness
Jesus.
Martin Phillips
He said no. I mean it. I mean it. I'm making it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love it, I love it, I love it. Okay. And you do move like the geico lizard. So it is incredible. We're covering all the insurance.
Martin Phillips
What does that even mean?
Tony Hinchcliffe
What does that mean?
Martin Phillips
He's a lizard?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know.
Martin Phillips
How do lizards move?
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know.
Martin Phillips
I like to lose the ghetto.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I love how you get strangely defensive sometimes. Like, you're like, don't make me pull my hand out of my pocket right now.
Brian Says
Oh.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh.
Brian Says
Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness. Oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
D Madness
I thought he was doing magic.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Martin, you do it again and again and again. Your minutes are just unbelievable. Clawing his way to the history books one more time for the great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. All right, we gotta start to put a ribbon on this goddamn thing. Your next bucket pole is from the inside. Ladies and gentlemen, representing you, the audience here, where anything can happen. So it's probably a first timer. Make some noise for Javier Ramirez. Oh, my goodness. Wow. From right in the corner, Javier Ramirez.
Javier Ramirez
Yo. What is going on, world? Hey. Hi. You like that? Yeah. I am autistic. I know it's not obvious because I'm not banging my head against the floor, but I am, you know, I am also gay, bisexual. So fuck everybody here, you know, so probably an injury from the vaccine, if you ask me. Yeah, well. Yeah, you guys. Big genocide crowd. Yeah, you know. Hey. All right, let's see how this goes. Been kind of a news buff myself. Kind of underreported numbers in Israel. Yeah. You know, turns out they're doing girl math out there, you know, in Gaza's having girl dinner. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
Javier Ramirez
How am I doing? Ah. Holy. Holy. I'm here. Ah, yes. God bless America and. Yeah, I love you guys. Yeah. 27, getting older. All my friends are either getting into barbecuing or grooming. Either way, the meat could Cook a little bit. And aged meat, you know, you gotta get a little bit into it. Yeah, whatever. That was great. Yeah. Hell yeah. Oh, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Okay.
Javier Ramirez
Hello. Hi there. How's it going?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ramirez, welcome to the show.
Javier Ramirez
Absolutely. Good to see you. Hell yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Definitely. Yeah.
Javier Ramirez
The voice of God.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Absolutely no doubt about it. Welcome to the show. Javier Ramirez, you came out, you said that you're autistic, you're gay, you're bi, which means you're also a Democrat. It's all very exciting.
Javier Ramirez
No, Trump 2024.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, wow.
Javier Ramirez
Very goddamn right. I'll stand on that. Yeah. Texas, baby. Love to be doing, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness.
Javier Ramirez
Matt R. You are delicious, brother.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God.
Javier Ramirez
God damn. You know I'm going to say that right now, man.
D Madness
You sound like the Easter island head from night at the museum.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, it's pretty much me, man. That is me. Yeah.
D Madness
Wow.
Javier Ramirez
Holy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Listen to that voice.
Javier Ramirez
Hey. Hey. Can I. So I do voiceovers.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah, you fucking better.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah. So I would like to put my dream out there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Javier Ramirez
Maybe not for this show, but there's other shows. I. At the mothership and there's an announcer. He's usually a door guy. So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for a comedy show? Oh, come on, you can definitely do better than that. Are you ready for a comedy show? Yeah. In Austin, Texas. Give it up for Javier Ramirez. Yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe or whoever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's actually pretty good. It's actually pretty good. We could probably get you to record that.
Javier Ramirez
I would love to do that. And then I would very much love.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Then we'll just give you a list of comedians names that usually open the show.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah. You know, hey, maybe one day. Yeah. Oh, yeah, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Who knows?
Javier Ramirez
Holy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You live here in Austin, Javier?
Javier Ramirez
Yes. Yes, sir. I just moved from Costa Rica.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Who's that guy that just handed you?
Javier Ramirez
These are my friends. Yes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You came with this whole crew of people?
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, yeah, yeah. These are my friendos. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Javier Ramirez
I've been here the whole time. God damn, you look good, man. I'm just gonna say.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, stop hitting on Matt.
Javier Ramirez
I'm sorry.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my God. That is incredible.
Javier Ramirez
Oh, yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Which.
D Madness
All right, which are you? Are you more gay or more straight? Which? Where do you fall on the spectrum?
Javier Ramirez
Whichever one gets me into heaven. Yeah, whatever.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let me ask you a question. Is your throat as deep as your voice?
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, I take after my mom, actually. Yeah. Got a deep throat on my mom too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
God damn, that is.
Javier Ramirez
Love you, mom.
D Madness
Relationship with your father?
Javier Ramirez
Oh, great. Actually, what's he do. He's a mechanical engineer.
D Madness
Smart as.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, smart. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What do you do?
Javier Ramirez
I work in tech and it's a. But I. I do voiceover stuff. I love announcing. I love Bruce Buffer. So if you guys could introduce me to him, that's. That'd be a dream. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
D Madness
He's not going to you.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, probably not. I'll still try, though. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, he won't now.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah. Hell yeah, man. I'm so happy to be.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Incredible. What have you used your voice for before?
Javier Ramirez
So, like, commercials and IVRs and like, stupid stuff like that.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Anything we would recognize?
Javier Ramirez
Not yet, hopefully. Yeah. Double kill. Oh, yeah.
Ernest Evans
Yeah.
Brian Says
You.
D Madness
You should tell people bad news.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah. To do that.
D Madness
Just work in a hospital.
Javier Ramirez
It's stage four.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Doesn't sound that bad.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah. I appreciate it. Hell yeah. Holy. Can I shake your hand, brother? I'm not going to jerk off with it later. Good to meet you, man. Thank you.
D Madness
Great to meet you, man.
Javier Ramirez
Hell, yeah, man.
D Madness
Does your shirt have buttons up top?
Brian Says
No.
Javier Ramirez
No. I'm kind of rocking the. You know what I'm saying? What's up?
Ernest Evans
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You like? Oh, my God. This is a creepy bucket pool for yourself.
D Madness
I'm flattered.
Tony Hinchcliffe
My entire band wants to know if you know the Chocolate Rain song. Song?
Javier Ramirez
Ooh, Chocolate Rain. I forget. Chocolate Rain. Right. Chocolate Rain. I don't remember the lyrics.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't know.
Javier Ramirez
Sorry, bro. Oh, what a wasted opportunity that was, huh? Holy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. Okay.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All good. I don't. I don't. I can't believe there's another reference. I don't know, but Chocolate Rain is no Chocolate rain. Mean.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Don't do this.
Javier Ramirez
I bet you do, Tony. I bet you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Crazy. What is going on tonight? Crazy.
Javier Ramirez
Hell yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Stop. I've never heard that song in my entire life.
Brian Cook
How.
Justin Governale
What the.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is going on here tonight?
Javier Ramirez
Yeah. Holy. Huh?
Ben Williams
Wake up, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're in a car accident. Wake up. Something's up. Jesus Christ. Oh, you son of a. You son of a. If I was blind, I'd still be able to hear songs. D Madness. Bastard. You bastard. Unbelievable. Oh. D. Celebrating his victory.
Javier Ramirez
The old.
Tony Hinchcliffe
What are you, blind?
Ben Williams
I always celebrate my victory.
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right.
Javier Ramirez
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, my goodness.
Javier Ramirez
Holy.
D Madness
Is he blind?
William Montgomery
Holy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, for real? Nuh. I'm realizing right now.
Javier Ramirez
He did not flinch. I would like for that to be on the record. He did not flinch at all.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Not flinching. In fact, he smiled wild at your attack. Laughing off Matt Ripe's attack right now.
D Madness
Had no idea.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is amazing. I do realize I forgot to tell you that yeah, that's one of the things that I tend to go over with the guys. We have a blind bass player. It's like part of my ramble. Wait, who threw a towel? D Madness. No, throwing things.
Austin Ingles
Things.
Tony Hinchcliffe
D It got me. You're out of control. Yeah. You hit an Asian lady in the face with a towel and she's not gonna be able to drive home after this. Oh, there you go. You have something in common. Javier Ramirez.
Javier Ramirez
Yes, sir.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You're autistic. You're gay, you're bi, you're straight. You're everything. So what's the craziest thing sexual experience you've ever had in your life?
William Montgomery
Oh, boy.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Let me just take a moment to inform the audience and the Internet that his entire very large group of friends just started going crazy.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When I asked this question. So let's hear it. Go right ahead. Answer the question.
Javier Ramirez
So I was hooking up with a Venezuelan chick. They're kind of cheap nowadays, you know, kind of go for nothing. And so I didn't ship before the date, which in hindsight might have been bad.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, when you did what?
Javier Ramirez
I did not. Before going out.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You did not poo poo out of my cockahole. Yeah.
Javier Ramirez
And yeah, she was trying to finish me off as they do. And she was giving me head. I'm sorry. You know, in YouTube. I'm sorry. But yes. And I was laying down very nice. And she did some kind of veil of swim magic on me or something. Some kind of tongue twister, you know. And holy. Did. I fought in her face. It was pretty bad. It was really like a bad one, too.
D Madness
You Chuck buried her?
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, yeah.
Javier Ramirez
Lot of. Lot of splatter on that one.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow. You almost gave her some chocolate rain.
Javier Ramirez
That's a professional. That is a professional right there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wow.
Javier Ramirez
Holy. Wow. Yeah. So then, you know, I just, like, laughed and I was like, what the was that, huh?
Tony Hinchcliffe
You know, that laugh must have sounded
D Madness
menacing after you guys walked.
Javier Ramirez
One fart, maybe two.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Amazing.
Javier Ramirez
I offered her some water to wash it down. You know, I was.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Was that the answer you thought he was going to give the crew? That popped hard when I asked him his crazy.
Javier Ramirez
I told him about it. He's the homie. Yeah.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Is that the one?
Javier Ramirez
Yeah. They're my friends, too. Ally, too.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I just.
Javier Ramirez
She's nice.
D Madness
Have you slept with anybody in your friend?
Javier Ramirez
Not yet. Yet. You know, we'll see how it goes out. Yeah. Good to see you. You're an too. You gave me a fake fist bump at the little boy. I Just want to. I would love to get the fist bump back.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You talking to me?
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
How did I. What are you saying that. What type of fake fist bump? What do you mean?
Javier Ramirez
So it was bottom of the barrel and I was front stage and you did the. Wait, hold up. I've been meaning to do this.
Ernest Evans
This.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, God. Wait. What are you about to do? Huh? Yeah. Huh? Yes. That's pretty. Javier, stick with the point. What? What do you mean F. I was
Javier Ramirez
going to give you a fist bump and then you were like, I'm good, right?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Cuz I didn't fist bump anybody.
Javier Ramirez
Yeah, can I get a fist bump now? Can I get it back to.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Are you going to fart? If I do, I swear to God.
Javier Ramirez
Maybe.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Here you go, Javier.
Javier Ramirez
I appreciate it.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There you go. Thank you. The prophecy is fulfilled.
Javier Ramirez
Oh, yeah, man.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Javier Ramirez getting a little joke book. There you go.
Javier Ramirez
Caught that. Thank you very much. TRUMP 2024.
Tony Hinchcliffe
God bless America.
Javier Ramirez
Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
There he goes, the mayor of Monkey Pox. Ladies and gentlemen, Javier Ramirez. And it is that time. Ladies and gentlemen, we've had a hell of a show. There's only. Only one way to put a ribbon on. Is true. He is the man, the myth, the legend. The Tijuana Tornado. The Vancouver Vampire. The Toronto Tarantula. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.
William Montgomery
A school lunchroom lady was recently arrested for stealing one and a half million dollars worth of chicken wings. Apparently she was good friends with David Lucas. But I just think. But I just think her name should have been a big red flag for the school. Kenesha Popeye, heiress to the Popeyes fortune. Last week in Uganda, a mountain of garbage collapsed and killed 23 people. Which is pretty disappointing because I had visit uganda as the 957th item on my bucket list. I'm never going to Uganda. Why did red band buy 101 Dalmatians from Cruella de Vil? Because he heard there were some hot dogs for sale,
Tony Hinchcliffe
you fat dumbass.
William Montgomery
You love hot dogs. And those are A hot dog is a stolen dog.
Ernest Evans
Okay?
William Montgomery
I used to be in a Christian death metal boy band and our fan base did not get along. Okay, that's my time exactly one minute
Tony Hinchcliffe
on the absolute dot. He has indeed done it again. That's why he is the Big Red machine. Billy Boy McGumballs. William lights out. Montgomery the fifth first of his name. King of the Gandalfs. The wizard of the Rotisserie. The Maestro of Montropolis. The Baron of the Bean. The Chocolatier of rain. The reference robot. William. Lights out, Montgomery.
William Montgomery
Tony. This is kind of a. Thank you, Tony. Thank you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I could go on and on.
William Montgomery
I know. Thank you. This is kind of a weird one for me tonight.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Yeah.
Martin Phillips
Why?
Tony Hinchcliffe
Matt met.
William Montgomery
I cannot believe you and I have never met before. It's always been one of long overdue.
D Madness
Dude.
Ben Williams
Oh my gosh.
William Montgomery
It's so nice to see you tonight.
D Madness
You're hilarious, man.
William Montgomery
Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to see you tonight.
D Madness
Likewise.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That's very nice.
William Montgomery
I'm just like a little embarrassed or something. I don't know what to say.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It's okay. Don't freak out. William. Don't freak out. William gets a little shy. He's a little mad Interesting.
William Montgomery
Guess what happened on Friday?
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, he's not gay.
D Madness
Okay.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, he's gonna turn on you real quick. I was just asking.
William Montgomery
Wait, what the did you want to say?
Tony Hinchcliffe
All right, okay.
D Madness
So he's thinking,
William Montgomery
no, but. Oh my gosh. I went to Perry's Steakhouse. They have a wonderful deal on pork chops on Friday. And I go there. Yeah, shout out to Barry's. Wonderful deal on the pork chops on Friday. And I have to go tt real bad. Tony. And I go to the bathroom and there's this scary looking big homeless man just wandering around in there and have to pee so bad. So I go to one of the two urinals and there's shit and one of the urinals and two paper towels and he's trying to rip down the door to the freaking stall. And then I go out and I tell everybody there's shit in the. In the urinal. Everybody that works there.
D Madness
Nice to see you, man.
Todd Royce
Yeah, nice to see you.
D Madness
Nice to see you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
This is William Montgomery. Indeed. In the.
William Montgomery
God, I messed that up. I messed that story up in front of you, man.
D Madness
There's no way I would have known, you know? Great.
Tony Hinchcliffe
William has the record for all time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, everything. The first member of the first living member of the Kiltoni hall of Fame, well, no, that's not true. Michael was alive when he got it.
Ben Williams
Yeah.
William Montgomery
And any of these keyboard warriors who think this fucking shit is easy, this shit is not easy. And either of you idiots, they think
Martin Phillips
you can do it.
William Montgomery
Do you like to critique me? Any of you who think you could do this? Never.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Never.
William Montgomery
You have no idea what it takes. Do you know how long it took me to write the 101 Dalmatians joke? Took me five hours yesterday, dude.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Anyway, what I was saying was that he has the record for all time. Appearances, interviews, everybody. He's been on almost every single show for over five years. Years. Is that right? How long.
William Montgomery
There's this one piece of shit. I don't.
Ben Williams
Look at the.
Tony Hinchcliffe
You. Go ahead, go ahead. Let it out, let it out, let it out. Do you know the words to Chocolate Rain?
William Montgomery
No, but what were you saying, Tony? I just.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I was gonna say all time record holder for appearances on the show. And I don't think I've ever seen you quite as shy in front of anyone as Matt Rice here.
William Montgomery
Super shy right now. Again, we have never met.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Oh, man.
William Montgomery
He just winked at me, Tony.
Brian Says
Whoa.
Tony Hinchcliffe
William's famous for winking.
D Madness
Really?
William Montgomery
When he does know that I didn't.
Tony Hinchcliffe
When he does it, a special noise happens and everything. A little sparkle noise. Watch, watch, watch. There it is. Okay, okay. Red band.
William Montgomery
I can't do it that fast. Dumbass. You can't even. And it's weird. When Red band gets wasted, he loves to get just blackout drunk. And it looks like he doesn't blink at all, which is so funny. His eyes never fully shut.
Tony Hinchcliffe
He has a gluten allergy, William, and he loves gluten, so he's constantly in an allergic state. He's staring you down. Look at this. Wow. This is a male. William is completely disinterested in this.
D Madness
William, where. Where are you from?
William Montgomery
I'm from Memphis, Tennessee.
D Madness
I love Memphis. Good barbecue. Yeah, really good barbecue. Good barbecue, yeah. My gosh. Have you been to the hotel?
William Montgomery
What, the Peabody or. No, not the Peabody.
D Madness
The one.
William Montgomery
The one in the pyramid.
Tony Hinchcliffe
No, not that one.
William Montgomery
Hold on. What's another one in Memphis? The Lorraine Motel.
D Madness
Hell, I don't know if that's. I don't know what the name of it is. The one it would have. It would have come up on black.
William Montgomery
Martin Luther.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I think it's shot.
William Montgomery
Yes, I've been there.
D Madness
Really good barbecue right next door.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Wait, wait a second. Hold on, hold on. First the bean, then chocolate rain. You're telling me Martin Luther King got shot?
D Madness
I knew it. I knew it was coming, too.
Tony Hinchcliffe
So stupid. All right, all right, all right. I was a joke. All right. So, William, something interesting happened on my way back from New York City. I was. I was lucky enough to be able to hitch a ride on a friend's jet. And the jet had an engine problem and had to make an emergency landing in, of all places, Memphis, Tennessee. And immediately we find out that, oh, they don't have the part for the jet. And we're going to have to take a commercial flight, and the next one's not available for three or four hours. So we get a commercial flight and then we have three or four hours in Memphis, Tennessee. So guess who I called and messaged? My papa and my mama. That's right. Papa didn't respond right away. So I immediately hit up Mama and they started giving me restaurant recommendations and hotel recommendations. But that was before I realized we could get a commercial flight out of that, because I thought I might have to stay in Memphis. So there I am communicating with your lovely parents, who I'm very close with. And it turns out I didn't have enough time to go to the restaurant that they recommended. So I looked up restaurants that were close to the airport, right down the street on Elvis Presley Boulevard, where the airport is, and it turns out it was an Elvis themed restaurant. And we only had about an hour and a half, two hours to eat food. And of all the days that I could have had an emergency landing in Memphis, Tennessee, I swear to God, it was indeed, of course, Elvis Presley Day. Yeah. And so there we are thinking, okay, we're just gonna go get some quick Memphis barbecue real quick at this Elvis joint. And there's a wait. Everybody's dressed like Elvis. The place is insane. And so I spent some time in Memphis.
William Montgomery
I love it. Well, you should have gone to Mama and Papa's house.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I wanted to.
William Montgomery
I know. You should have gone over there.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I was really close to making that move, but I tried to make it back to make it to Monday Night Raw, which I also wasn't able to do that. Shout out to Sammy Zayn, Pat McAfee.
William Montgomery
Tony, I'm glad the plane didn't crash or something. We wouldn't even be here today. Could you imagine that? Just nobody. There wouldn't be a line outside, nothing. Yikes.
Tony Hinchcliffe
It did crash.
William Montgomery
You have to be careful, Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
That is true.
William Montgomery
I've always told you about the problem, private jets. You know that. Okay, you know I have.
Todd Royce
Tony.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I don't take private jets, William. I don't take private jets. It was a special instance.
William Montgomery
Okay, be careful.
Tony Hinchcliffe
I fly commercial with the people. I'm a man of the people. I take Southwest flights, position group B because I like to be mixed in with normal humans. I like to be able to write material and connect with the people. But I take jets any chance I get. It's truly a superior way of travel. And once you start, there's really no going back. It's after you take a jet. Once you're just furiously angry on flights, even if you're in first class. It's disgusting. All right, I'm kidding. So, William, anything else crazy happening this week?
William Montgomery
Just Remnant two. It's some video game, Tony. I think I've put in 40 hours the past four days. That's 10 hour days, the math on that. But yeah, it's Remnant two. It's a third person shooter. You can upgrade your character, you can upgrade everything about it. But yeah, I cannot get enough of that. I'm about to go back and play till probably 5am tonight. I have to be careful, Matt. I've been playing it all night long.
D Madness
Poor guy.
William Montgomery
I know. I don't know how to stop.
Ben Williams
Wow.
D Madness
I don't know how to talk to you.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Ah.
D Madness
Everything you say is a mystery, dude.
William Montgomery
Well, nice to be here, Tony. Thank you, William.
Tony Hinchcliffe
We love you. He ain't never going to stop. There goes William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps one of the greatest hot dog jokes I've ever seen in my life. The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in. Make some noise for Matt Rife. What a great. What a great time we had. Mattrifeofficial.com for his new world tour. Also lucid on Netflix number one right now. Matt, you're the man. So much fun.
D Madness
You have the best fans, man. Thanks so much for letting me do this.
Tony Hinchcliffe
Thank you so much. A true pleasure to have you. Shout out to Squarespace, Strap King, Zipper, Cooter, Shopify and Hymns. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Red Band. Would you like check out the Sunset Strip? Atx.com Love you guys. Indeed we do. Love you so much. Good night everybody. Thank you. We'll see you again soon. Good night. Thank you. Bye Bye, Sam. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Date: September 3, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe
Co-Host: Brian Redban
Guest: Matt Rife
This high-energy episode of Kill Tony features renowned comedian Matt Rife making his long-anticipated debut as the guest panelist. The show, recorded live from Austin’s Comedy Mothership, adheres to its classic format: hosts Tony Hinchcliffe and Brian Redban, a fiery house band, and a lineup of gutsy comedians signing up for a chance to perform one minute of stand-up, followed by unfiltered interviews and feedback. Matt Rife’s presence brings a playful dynamic, lively banter, and fresh perspectives to the panel, resulting in an episode full of candid comedian stories, veteran roasts, surprisingly heartfelt moments, and laugh-out-loud asides about comedy, life, and life on the road.
[03:25]
"You're doing it, buddy. You're living the goddamn American dream." (Tony Hinchcliffe, 03:35)
[05:34]
Set: [06:48] | Interview: [07:53 - 12:31]
"I love Japanese massage porn." (Hans Kim, 09:53)
"They trick a bitch." (Hans Kim, 09:57)
Set: [13:53] | Interview: [15:10 - 20:39]
“Quit that job. I’m my own boss, never take a loss / Got big teeth, but yeah, I floss…” (Ben Williams freestyle, 20:43)
"He just got booked for a real comedy show." (Tony, 21:52)
Set: [22:35] | Interview: [23:39 - 30:39]
Set: [31:12] | Interview: [32:27 - 40:27]
"I was the American Wet Dream." (Todd Royce, 37:45)
Set: [41:02] | Interview: [42:09 - 48:11]
Set: [48:52] | Interview: [50:01 - 58:05]
Set: [58:42] | Interview: [59:31 - 64:34]
Set: [65:23] | Interview/Bit: [66:25 - 76:55]
"We're going to call this a draw, right Tony?" (Brian Says, 74:19)
Set: [76:55] | Interview: [78:03 - 88:00]
"[Does metal vocals]…What the—need to get some just for men. Craziest grandfather I’ve ever seen in my life." (Tony, 87:54)
Set: [89:37] | Interview: [90:43 - 97:49]
Set: [98:47] | Interview: [100:03 - 109:17]
"She did some kind of tongue twister, and holy shit, I farted in her face. …I offered her some water to wash it down." (Javier Ramirez, 107:01–108:03)
Set: [110:14] | Interview: [111:02 - 120:19]
[121:00 - End]
Tony’s disbelief over Chicago’s “the bean”:
“I can't believe there's anything that exists that I don't know about.” (62:24)
Matt Rife, on the “redneck” joke:
“You're funny, man. The redneck joke was fucking hilarious. I haven’t heard a good, original white trash abuse joke in a very long time.” (25:24)
Hans Kim, defending Japanese vs American porn:
“Japanese are like, seducing and tricking and all that. Americans are just like, just doing it…It's kind of boring. I like the process!” (11:34)
Justin Governale, about Tinder and war stories:
“We've all been on Tinder dates. … I stopped though, man. I haven't had sex since July 5th. Just taking a break. I was just promiscuous for so long, I got, like, tired of it.” (55:16)
Tony, roasting Todd Royce:
“What does your wife do when she's not plunging the toilet?” (34:53)
Javier Ramirez, on his voice and sexuality:
“Is your throat as deep as your voice?”
“Yeah, I take after my mom actually.” (102:12)
Martin Phillips, retort on driving:
“I never been in an accident, so…” (96:32)
The episode is raw, raucous, and uproarious—chock-full of inside-comedy references, crowd interplay, fearless audience work, and fast-paced joke-telling. Matt Rife’s guest spot injects the proceedings with fresh energy and genuine fandom, while the rotating roster of comics—regulars and wildcards alike—keeps the room electric and unpredictable. The hosts and panel riff mercilessly, but the camaraderie and love for comedy always shine through.
This episode perfectly encapsulates the Kill Tony brand: unpredictable, unscripted, and hilarious. Expect edgy humor, honest advice, and heartfelt moments—all through a lens of stand-up comedy’s grind and spirit. Matt Rife, as a debut guest, finds instant chemistry with the irreverent panel, making this a must-listen for fans of raw, live comedy.