#681 - GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAM JAY

Summary

Kill Tony #681 - Greg Fitzsimmons + Sam Jay

Date: September 10, 2024
Location: Comedy Mothership, Austin, Texas
Guests: Greg Fitzsimmons, Sam Jay
Host: Tony Hinchcliffe | Co-host: Brian Redban

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Episode Overview

This episode of Kill Tony brings together two powerhouse comedians from the East Coast—Greg Fitzsimmons (a seasoned favorite of the show) and Sam Jay (making her debut)—for a night of unpredictable, high-energy comedy. The episode delivers the classic Kill Tony format: a wild mix of standup hopefuls drawing their names from the bucket for one-minute sets, sharp panelist banter, and spontaneous, often outrageous crowd work. Standout moments include a relentless roasting of performers’ unique backgrounds, hilarious panel chemistry, a running theme of spelling bees, and special appearances by regulars and legends like Pauly Shore and Uncle Laser.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

Introduction and Panel Chemistry

• [02:58–04:54] Tony introduces Sam Jay and Greg Fitzsimmons, poking fun at the Boston connection and referencing their prior adventures (including partying after the Tom Brady roast).
  • “Sam and I have been partying continuously with each other ever since the Tom Brady roast. We had a fucking magical night…” — Tony Hinchcliffe (04:34)
  • Sam Jay jokes about “ending up fishing with Kyle Rittenhouse” in Texas.

Show Format Recap

• [05:41–08:39] Tony refreshes the rules: audience members and comics sign up for a chance at a one-minute set, after which the panel riffs, interviews, and roasts each performer. Notable roster issues: William Montgomery, Hans Kim, and David Lucas all off, allowing more “bucket pulls.”

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[08:39–11:19] - Heath Cordes

• Set: Heath tells an awkward story about accidentally receiving nude photos from his mom, handled with a distinctly awkward, sweet energy.
  • “My mother, she sent me nude pictures of herself on my cell phone. Roll tide. Nah, it was an accident.” — Heath Cordes (08:39)
• Panel Riffing:
  • Tony and Greg escalate with jokes about deleting/not deleting the pics, and the implications (“So when you went in for the surgery, did you say, can you lop off my dick while you’re at it?” — Greg, 10:25).
  • Sam Jay: “If there’s a lot of yous out there, we should be offering them up to the molesters… and just solve a problem.” (11:35)
  • Panel leans into jokes about appearance, age, and kinks.

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[14:20–21:16] - Fuzzy

• Set: Fuzzy riffs on growing up Muslim, lack of cool leaders like Jesus, and a wild visual for Muhammad (“I believe the reason there are no pictures… is because he was a fat white girl.” — Fuzzy, 15:03).
• Interview:
  • Tells story of his car (a Kia) being stolen four times thanks to a viral TikTok trend (“It’s the Kia boys… you can steal a Kia with just an aux cord.” — Fuzzy, 17:21).
  • Panel riffs on Muslim stereotypes, being in Pakistan on 9/11, and Fuzzy’s anatomy (“You look like you got one of them retardedly big, big dicks.” — Sam J., 21:02).

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[21:40–29:14] - Mackenzie Jewel

• Set: Comic bit blending ‘Predator’ movie with ‘To Catch a Predator’; Anne Frank crush; homeschooling and porn addiction (“I watched so much porn in homeschooling that when I saw women in real life, I was like, why you ain’t got tentacles, bitch?” — Mackenzie, 22:03).
• Panel Commentary:
  • Greg feigns outrage over “stolen” bits, offers mentorship: “Someday, when you think of a punishment punchline for it, it’s gonna be amazing.” (24:49)
  • Sam Jay suggests Mackenzie and Heath could “go get pussy together,” volleying the hangover/autistic-young-comics angle (26:04).

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[30:13–34:34] - Goliath

• Set: Jokes about having a “tiny” penis named David and family/blue-collar upbringing.
• Interview:
  • Longtime music industry worker, formerly ran a major underground music leak site.
  • Panel quizzes his comedy prospects; Greg: “You look like Brian Posehn, so you have a shot.” (34:06)

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[35:01–41:43] - Drew Nickens

• Set: High-energy Wiggles fandom, getting head at a Wiggles concert; “I’m blacker than Kamala Harris.”
• Panel:
  • Sam Jay: “It was fire… I don’t even know what you said, but I felt good at the end.” (37:02)
  • Greg teases Drew’s New Balance, mom jeans, and distinctive teeth.
  • Insane caffeine/energy drink habits discussed.

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[42:45–54:07] - Mitchell MacArthur

• Set: Series of blind school jokes, which coincides with “D Madness” (the show’s blind band member) returning to the stage.
  • “If I didn’t pull the fire alarm, they wouldn’t have seen the fire I started.” — Mitchell, 44:00
• Panel:
  • Savagely roasted for appearance and mean-spirited jokes.
  • Height and weight measured live on stage, upending his claims (“Five five and a half, ladies and gentlemen. That’s a big lie.” — Tony, 51:21).

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[55:03–62:52] - Kane

• Set: Wasp analogy about pheromones alerting others vs. women with “abusive” warning scents; ties in family history.
• Interview:
  • Reveals it’s his 27th birthday, works as an aviation maintenance technician, formerly a boxer and “Golden Gloves Champion.”
  • Sam Jay praises his composure and joke structure (“You stayed on topic… and that’s not easy in a minute.” — 57:22).
  • Panel riffs on his flashy glasses, jewelry, and fake college saga.

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[64:10–77:18] - Cam Patterson (Regular)

• Set: Utah stories, gun culture, Mormons, friends with way too many guns.
• Interview:
  • Relates wild greenroom story involving a porn star with OnlyFans and her generous husband.
  • Tells story of hustling a friend at “drunk basketball” by only pretending to drink shots for $5,000.
  • Recurring Bit: “Black Spelling Bee” — Cam and Sam J. attempt (and fail) to spell “increments” for $500. (“It was an M and then the room corrected you. But don’t worry, there’s a lot of people at home saying N right now as well.” — Tony, 77:25)

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[79:23–89:38] - Jake Hayes

• Set: Therapy jokes; “I Statements”; abs in the kitchen, vasectomy, Spider-Man/hanging dad/biracial dad punchline.
  • “I was more so appreciative of the fact that I’m one of the few Black guys whose dad actually hung around.” — Jake Hayes, 80:31
• Interview:
  • Military medic, works as a nurse in prisons.
  • Roasted for mismatched hair/beard, “centaur” body.
  • Physical comedy and improv as panel makes “centaur” jokes.

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[90:14–95:39] - Joe Filey

• Set: Edgy “double felony” bit: rape, conjoined twins, “nugget” women (no arms/legs); self-deprecating and dark.
• Panel:
  • Tony: “You are by far one of the scariest human beings that’s ever been… on this show.” (94:12)
  • Reveals loss of Amazon job after his last Kill Tony appearance due to discussing cocaine; unfazed.

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[96:32–106:23] - Uncle Laser (Special Austin Guest/Regular)

• Set: Netflix & Chill gone wrong, sexual encounters, smoking crack during TV, messy “House of Dragons” confusion.
• Interview:
  • Confesses to throwing up in Redban’s bathroom at MSG, blames Aaron Rodgers, “poisoned” by nicotine pouches.
  • Launches “White Trash Spelling Bee”—Laser fumbles “statistically.”
    • “Statistically, S-T-A-T-I-S-C-A-L-L.” — Uncle Laser (103:42)
  • Drug tales, attempts to retire his mom.

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[107:23–109:47] - Alicia

• Set: Embarrassing HEB (grocery store) bit: mimicking a person who turns out to have palsy; “basic white bitch” with monogrammed apparel.
• Panel:
  • Quick set, banter about never going back to HEB; wins a joke book.

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[110:37–115:40] - Angel Miguez

• Set: Texas weather rants, Jewish conspiracy reference, failed skateboard punchlines.
• Interview:
  • Moved to Austin a week ago just for comedy; not working yet.
  • Offers to work any job (“I could get you coffee or whatever it takes…” 112:50)
  • Large family, admits to loving car photography/canyon runs.

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[117:54–126:13] - Pauly Shore (Special Guest Set)

• Set: Bumble matches with Black women, spray-painting his dick, “rim shot” joke mishaps at Madison Square Garden, and playful banter with Sam Jay.
  • “My whole life I’ve been picking up on the cracker ass, crack ass hoes. And I left these fine ass Shaniquas on the motherfucking table.” — Pauly Shore (118:05)
• Interview:
  • Shares childhood memories, ideas for a docuseries about the Comedy Store and his family.
  • Hints at playing Richard Simmons in a biopic.
  • Sings “Rocket Man” with the band, discusses black culture's fondness for him (Sam Jay provides context).

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[126:13–130:53] - Ari Matty (The Estonian Assassin, Regular)

• Set: Cultural differences in homelessness; Estonia vs. America; recurring neighborhood “Mike.”
  • “Estonia… we have a rough window winter. It’s not the same guy. Every year we get a new batch, like butterflies. But here you just see Mike every year getting stronger.” — Ari Matty (128:55)
• Panel:
  • Tony and Greg Fitzsimmons challenge Ari to an “Estonian Spelling Bee”: nonchalantly—all correct (131:13).

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Memorable Quotes & Segments with Timestamps

• “We should be offering them up to the molesters… and just solve a problem.” — Sam Jay, joking about Heath Cordes’ youthful appearance (11:35).
• “You’re really putting the fat into fatwa.” — Greg Fitzsimmons, on Fuzzy’s “Muhammad was a fat white girl” joke (16:24).
• “You stayed on topic and that's not easy to do in a minute.” — Sam Jay praising Kane (57:22).
• Black Spelling Bee: Cam and Sam J. attempt “increments” and fail, room laughs and chides along (75:35–77:18).
• “Statistically, S-T-A-T-I-S-C-A-L-L.” — Uncle Laser misses “statistically” during White Trash Spelling Bee (103:38).
• “I only half raped a girl. I had a conjoined twin…” — Joe Filey’s edgy set, exemplifying the night’s frequent boundary-pushing (91:13).
• Pauly Shore: “My whole life I’ve been picking up on the cracker ass, crack ass hoes. And I left these fine ass Shaniquas on the motherfucking table.” (118:05)
• “Every year we get a new batch [of homeless], like butterflies. But here you just see Mike every year getting stronger.” — Ari Matty, 128:59

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Notable Moments

• Live Height/Weight Check: Mitchell is measured and weighed on stage—height and weight become running gags.
• Multiple Spelling Bees: Both “Black Spelling Bee” and “White Trash Spelling Bee” are carried out live for cash and pride, resulting in laughter and bonding among comics and panel.
• Pauly Shore’s Surprise Set: Brings nostalgia, self-roast, and a mini-musical moment.
• Panel Chemistry: Sam Jay is sharp, unfiltered, and game for everything; Greg Fitzsimmons brings classic late-night razzing and comic wisdom.

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Episode Tone & Language

High-energy, uncensored, frequently irreverent and boundary-pushing. The panel, guests, and performers riff and roast with joy and malice in equal measure, without taking themselves too seriously. Themes range from raunchy to surreal, with repeated callbacks, inside jokes, and audience camaraderie.

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Timestamps of Important Segments

| MM:SS | Segment/Highlight | |-------------|---------------------------------------| | 04:09 | Sam Jay’s Rittenhouse fishing joke | | 11:35 | Sam Jay’s “offering up” the young comics | | 16:24 | Greg: “putting the fat into fatwa” | | 24:49 | Greg’s vintage comic mentorship to Mackenzie | | 37:02 | Sam Jay on Drew Nickens’ commercial style | | 51:21 | Mitchell MacArthur’s real height revealed | | 75:35–77:18 | Black Spelling Bee: “increments” | | 103:38 | White Trash Spelling Bee: “statistically” | | 118:05 | Pauly Shore’s “Shaniquas” joke | | 128:59 | Ari Matty’s “homeless butterflies” |

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Summary Verdict

Kill Tony #681 is a jam-packed, raucous episode celebrating the spirit of live, risk-taking comedy. The mix of wild new comics, sharp-tongued panelists, and big-name surprise guests makes for over two hours of unpredictable, laugh-out-loud moments and surprisingly insightful banter about everything from racial stereotypes to spelling skills. If you're a comedy fan, this episode is a must-listen for pure, unfiltered amusement and backstage-style shenanigans.

Transcript

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad TV and now on Spotify and Apple podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden

[Kane]

Pony, including his tour dates at tonyhinchcliffe.com

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

if you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to Death Squad tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in

[Red Band]

Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Give it up for Tony. Who's ready for the best night of their lives, huh? We are here. Make some noise for Brian Redband. Ladies and gentlemen, Skill Tony, brought to you by Simply Safe Talk Space and ExpressVPN. Guys, how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Wow. Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Esteban Viejo, Michael Gonzalez. Fucking quiet ass crowd. Make some fucking noise for the band. Matt Muhling on the electric John Dees. And the great D Madness on the bass guitar. Ladies and gentleme. What, Michael, what is it? It's not Esteban Viejo. What is it? It's fucking Raul Vallejo. Ladies and gentlemen, The horn section. Groove line. Horns, ladies and gentlemen, or as I call them, Nachos Belgrande indeed. A lot of fun stuff planned this episode. Action packed. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you for free right now, here live,

[Sam J.]

the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well. Every single week I have some of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. Week no different. One of the returns of one of our favorite greatest guests in the history of the show. And I love to debut a brand new guest who's never done it before. You know her from the roast of Tom Brady. With me, you know him as one of the greatest guests and comedians in the history of the show. Make some noise for Sam J. And Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah, sam j. And Irish goat Greg Fitzsimmons. Booyah. A perfect chemistry mix here tonight. Two amazing comedians, both from the Boston area, the upper east coast. Welcome to the show. Yeah, yeah, Sam J.

[Sam J.]

What's up, bro?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome Welcome. I love you excited. I'm excited to have you worried.

[Sam J.]

I'm also worried I'm gonna end up fishing with Kyle Rittenhouse after this and not all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It could end up happening. It could end up happening.

[Sam J.]

I don't want that with the shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I did go a little wild during the commercial break. I don't normally do that, but I don't know what came out of me. But I've been on Twitter all weekend, and shit's wild over there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just didn't expect chanting. That seemed a bit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam and I have been partying continuously with each other ever since the Tom Brady roast. We had a fucking magical night, and we continue that. Took her out on our first river trip yesterday.

[Sam J.]

Why did you assume that was my

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

first river in Austin?

[Sam J.]

All right, cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's different here. Everywhere else you've been on, I was like, you're black.

[Sam J.]

Have you ever been in a boat? I was like, yeah, well, historically,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

it's true. And true to the stereotype, when we all went jumped in the water, you stayed on the boat yesterday in very comfortable fashion. There was no consideration whatsoever of jumping in the water. One more time for the return of Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. His new special, you know me, is out now at Greg FitzSimmons comedy on YouTube fitzstog.com for his dates coming up in Tulsa and San Francisco. Greg, welcome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's great to be back. It's just great to see the excitement in these faces out here. It really is drunk and high and perfect for comedy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's amazing. We have a sleepy cowboy, right? Yeah, this guy's just exhausted.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We have a Mexican with braces right here. That's a rare treat. That's a very rare treat. My goodness. What do you do, chew the bushes while landscaping? It's incredible what a diverse audience we have here. It's absolutely amazing what we have here. It's Sam J. Is in Sacramento and New York City at the Gramercy Theater. Sam J. Comedy. Four tickets for that. Sam's first time as a guest on the show. We're gonna have a lot of fun, Sam. You might not know the 237 human beings names are inside of this bucket right now. A few of them here on the inside. Some fans that perhaps signed up for their first chance it being on the show. The rest are filled in a bar across the street. I pull one of these names, hand it over here, and one of our amazing people go grab them from across the street at that bar when they get up here they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. They've gone over their time. And then we interview them. I interview them and we all just hang out and pitch in and play around and figure out more about them and what makes them interesting. They go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast in a matter of a minute and anything can happen. The whole thing is improvised and it should be a wild night. Seems to be a lot of those lately. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? So we have a very special order of events tonight. Things are a little bit, bit out of place. William Montgomery is taking the night off, everybody. Yeah, he's got a. He's got a sore throat after doing six sold out shows in Oklahoma City. He's very, very. He's. Oh, Red. Band is very excited about that. William is shockingly vulnerable and weak and he gets sick a lot. This and that normally plows through. Tonight, he's off. So we have flipped, reversed, and skipped an order. Hans Kim is out tonight. David Lucas is out of town. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to present a legend of the show who's only had a few appearances. This young buck came on the scene. We all fell in love with them, and he's been working really hard. He works here at the Comedy Mothership. You know him, you love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Heath Cordes, everybody. Here we go. And it has begun.

[Heath Cordes]

A while ago, when I was in Alabama, I was living in Alabama. My. My. My mother. My mother, she sent me nude pictures of herself on my cell phone. Roll tide. Nah, it was an accident. It was an accident. I hope it was an accident. That's all you can do. You can only hope because when your mother sends you those pictures, you definitely don't reply to make sure. Just checking. Is this. No, you don't. You don't. You don't do that with your mother. You report her. She's in jail. All right, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. A new minute from Heath Cordes. That's how it's done. Adorable. Sweet. Goodness gracious. Heath, how'd your mom's. What do your mom's nudes look like?

[Heath Cordes]

I don't know how to answer that question. It was disturbing. I was going in for surgery that day and she got the numbers mixed up her booty call and she was like, good luck, I hope it goes well. And then she's like 30 minutes later, she's like, here's something for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Was she at the hospital with you at that time?

[Heath Cordes]

No, she was long distance. Long distance? It's a long distance relationship.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That should be part of the joke, by the way.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So when you went in for the surgery, did you say, can you lop off my dick while you're at it?

[Heath Cordes]

I said, please put me under, please.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

John Dees on the keyboard asks a good question. Do you still have the pic?

[Heath Cordes]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened to it?

[Heath Cordes]

I deleted it. I deleted it very fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You piece of shit. Immediately everyone here wants to see it. We could have put it.

[Heath Cordes]

I give her your number, Tony, if you want.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it's okay. Is she tiny and young looking too?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is she a spinner?

[Heath Cordes]

She looks good for her age. She looks not bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam J, what do you think about this young buck?

[Sam J.]

I'm glad you addressed the tiny young looking thing. Cause I was very confused.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam J.]

And I didn't know. I didn't want to be inappropriate and like ask some fucked up shit. Because when he asked you upstairs, I was like, why he letting this kid? And I thought. And I thought you was going to come out and do some cute kid shit. Like, I don't know. What's a dancer? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

[Heath Cordes]

Was it cute? Did you like it? Did you think it was cute?

[Sam J.]

I liked it. But then I was thinking like, damn, he fucks adult women. So are they like child molester? Ish.

[Heath Cordes]

You get what you can take?

[Sam J.]

I get it, bro. That's crazy, bro. But also, if there's a lot of yous out there, we should be offering them up to the molesters.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam J.]

And just solve a problem.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Sam J.]

I enjoyed you.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah. Thank you again.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you 100%. Greg, what do you think about this young buck Arena?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I'll tell you, I just got down south and I was trying to watch some porn today. Not trying. And they have this thing where they make you. They take a picture of your face to see if you look old enough for porn. You're fucked. Yeah, like they literally say, look into your cat.

[Red Band]

Did you know this?

[Sam J.]

I just went to the easy porn site.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you went to the easy porn site?

[Sam J.]

It's one that don't require the face.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I didn't know that. I went to Exhamster.

[Sam J.]

Oh, nah, once they wouldn't let me in Exhamster I was like, all right, I'm not doing face recognition for this. I'll just find other boys. You could go on VXNN or whatever. They let you do that here, but you love Xhamster enough to register your face with them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, except to recognize me, I had to squint and look sad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, you wouldn't have to do that if you used Express VPN. Go to their website expressvpn.com killtony and you get an extra three months free. That's/kill [e-mail]. what kind of porn do you watch, Heath? This is a creepy question. Ask a boy that looks 11. But go right ahead and tell us.

[Heath Cordes]

I like mom's stuff.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ah, hell yeah, Mr. I deleted the picture.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I deleted the picture after you made it your wallpaper. Heath, we love you. You're working hard at the craft and you're a little freak. Way to get the show started here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Catch him working at the Mothership. Catch him doing his stuff. Follow him on social media. The star of the future, 22 year old heath Cordage. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Heath. And now to the bucket we go. Oh, I know this guy. He actually works here at the Mothership. A lot of these mothership people sign up every single week and very rarely get on. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Getting us drinks, fixing the mic, setting it back to human height. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket bowl of the night. An employee here at the Mothership. Make some noise for Fuzzy, everybody. It's Fuzzy.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah, I grew up Muslim. And the worst part about it is that you don't get a badass leader. You don't get someone cool like Jesus. He's cool. You guys get that? That's awesome. I gotta look up to the prophet Muhammad. There's no pictures. I don't even know what the fuck this guy looks like. Every picture of Jesus, awesome. Just him at the last supper getting fucked up with his 12 best friends. That's relatable. He's cool, dude. He's so cool. Jesus is so cool. Some people say he was black. There are no cool theories about the prophet Muhammad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Huh?

[Fuzzy]

I got one. I believe the reason there are no pictures, no photos is because he was a fat white girl. No, stop it, Allah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Fuzzy]

I feel fat and all. I was just her black boyfriend.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Like, nah, you look good though, bitch.

[Fuzzy]

All right, that's my time.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Fuzzy, everybody. Some good shit, Fuzzy. Thanks. I Like it. I normally don't love religious jokes. Cause it's usually some of the oldest, you know, it's like the oldest topic literally of all time. We have great perspective. They're very fun stuff. Yeah, Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

I don't think anyone else is calling Mohammed a fat white girl.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. That's exactly my point is you were able to dig in and find some perspective. It's true. Jesus. Could be. It could have been black. I like it. And fat white girl makes sense. Yeah. It all checks out. Do you think that the Muslims are going to be mad at you for describing Mohammed that way?

[Fuzzy]

Yeah, honestly, I was taking a shit and my name got called and I got. I didn't know what to do and I just fucking just did. The Muhammad is a fat white girl. I didn't think good enough and I'm probably gonna get fatwa now, so.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you're. You're really putting the fat into fatwa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, no doubt. You've been eating Allah. All of the food you can possibly get.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah, I'm a fat Muslim. That's my superpower.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Yeah, it looks like it indeed. How long you been doing stand up fuzzy?

[Fuzzy]

Four years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And you work here? Yeah. What else do you do? What do we not know about you? You've been on the show a couple times.

[Fuzzy]

Well, right now I'm walking everywhere. Cause my car keeps getting stolen.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Your car keeps getting stolen?

[Fuzzy]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many times has your car gotten stolen?

[Fuzzy]

Four.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What am I fucking saying?

[Alicia]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The fuck's going on? Why do you think this keeps happening?

[Fuzzy]

It's a Kia.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Are you leaving the Kia in the ignition? How the fuck does that happen? Four Kias have locks.

[Fuzzy]

Nah, it's a fucking like manufacturing flaw that you can. It's the Kia boys. Have you heard of the Kia boys? Yeah. So it's a viral TikTok trend that showed that you can easily steal a Kia with just an aux cord.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's a fix for it though.

[Fuzzy]

You get a free fix if it doesn't work. I got it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. These kids are smart.

[Fuzzy]

These kids are smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it keeps getting stolen. It's been stolen four times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you tried riding your magic carpet at all? Does it not work when you a heavy Muslim? It doesn't work the same. Huh. I think you need to keep walking. Get down to magic carpet weight. I think, I think. I think Muhammad is trying to tell you something more. Walking is in order. I love it. What else, dude?

[Fuzzy]

Nothing, dude. I just do this. I work. I really Am not living enough life. To be honest.

[Sam J.]

I'm realizing right now this took a turn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it does. Much like the planes on 9 11. This took a turn. Which brings us back to you, Muslim Fuzzy. Where were you on 9 11?

[Fuzzy]

I was in Pakistan.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh. Not suspicious at all.

[Sam J.]

Wrong answer, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, the second worst.

[Sam J.]

You said you were taking a shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You said earlier Pakistan is the second worst answer next to. In the cockpit of one of the flights. Fucking unbelievable. Fuzzy.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So how soon after 911 did you move here?

[Fuzzy]

No, I'm from here. I was born in America. We were in Pakistan visiting family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just visiting.

[Fuzzy]

Just visiting, Hanging out, coincidentally.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. What a coincidence.

[Fuzzy]

And then my cousins took a flight a couple of days earlier than me.

[Sam J.]

They let you back in the country?

[Fuzzy]

Yeah, no, they shut. They shut flights down for, like, three weeks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I bet.

[Fuzzy]

And then I missed, like, the first month of kindergarten.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah.

[Fuzzy]

It was up, dude. And then I came back and everyone was like, fuzzy did 9 11.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Kane]

Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck Pluto is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm an active terrorist.

[Sam J.]

The towers went down and you're like, well, I fucking miss kindergarten Broke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. When you got back to kindergarten, were you just stacking towers of blocks and then flying paper airplanes into them?

[Fuzzy]

It could happen again, bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. All the white kids are like, you guys are both from Boston, where one of the flights famously took off from. Your TSA was very weak that day. How do we feel about Boston?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I just remember afterwards, I lived in New York, and I remember that they stopped. Do you remember this? They stopped all flights in Boston and New York. They stopped all rides to the airport in private cars. You could only take a taxi because what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims than only allowing taxis to drive to the airport?

[Sam J.]

They knew what they were doing. I think it was the reverse thought process. They were like, we're gonna flood them all in here. Run these prints. One stop. Shop this thing.

[Angel Miguez]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fuzzy, what do you think is the most Muslim thing about you?

[Fuzzy]

My dick.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Damn. Is it fuzzy, too? Yeah. All right.

[Kane]

Yeah.

[Fuzzy]

I got a little Osama bin Laden Jr. Down there. You know what I'm saying?

[Joe Filey]

You.

[Sam J.]

You look like you got one of them retardedly big, big dicks. Like, do you look like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I think he calls it. I think he calls it Osama bin Laden because it looks like it's hiding in a cave is my guess. You already have a joke book, right?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. There he goes, Fuzzy. Ladies and gentlemen, on to the next one. And it has Begun the number one comedy show in the world. And we're here all together now. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of mackenzie Jewel. Here comes mackenzie Jewel. O wow, Mackenzie.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Hey, gang, how are we doing? All right, guys, this is a bit that I like to do. I call it if Predator from the movie Predator was on Chris Hansen's To Catch a Predator. Predator.

[Red Band]

Predator.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Why did you send that text to that girl? I was home schooled. I was very socially deprived. Have you ever been so socially deprived that when you read Anne Frank you low key fall in love with her? Cause I was reading it and I was like. I was like, she's funny. Like she's not like other girls. I watched so much porn in homeschooling that when I saw women in real life, I was like, why you ain't got tentacles, bitch? Thank you,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

MacKenzie. Jewel has arrived. This is your first time on Kiltoni, right? Yeah. How long you been doing stand up?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

About a year and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Houston.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. That's where you live now? Yeah, I love it. How old are you?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

22.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Were you working? You going to school? What are you doing?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Just working.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hell yeah. Graduated from Hogwarts. And now you're. What are you doing for work?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I do marketing and editing. Freelance editing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you know what that noise means?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

What does it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. Oh, I've been working with red band for 11 years. Oh, it's a Harry Potter thing. Because you're magical. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, Mackenzie, I love it. What do you do for fun? What are 22 year olds like you doing for fun nowadays?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

You know, I just be thrifting, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. Okay, Mackenzie, what are you looking for when you're out there? Thrifting, man?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Some of that car heart shit.

[Sam J.]

Wow.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

You know, Amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many times have you stolen Fuzzy? He's Kia?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I'm not sure I love it. I don't steal.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever stolen anything your whole life? Not the candy store or something like that. You seem like you would steal from a candy store. A couple gumballs or something like that.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

One time I was at Target and I stole like a Katniss Everdeen action figure and my mom made me come back and try. She was like, can you take his money? And they were like, we can't take the money. So.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, you got away with it. My goodness, look at you. Amazing. What do you guys think of this 22 year old amazing transgender comedian that we have here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, he said he never stole, but he stole that bit about the Predator. I've seen the predator becoming the Predator. I've seen that 27. I'm kidding. I've never heard that fucking before. That's the weirdest joke I've ever heard in my life. And someday, when you think of a punishment punchline for it, it's gonna be amazing.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah, right?

[Kane]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The great Greg Fitzsimmons dropping an amazing bit of knowledge. You scared the hell out of him. I literally heard his dry up when you hit him with that.

[Sam J.]

That was like.

[Alicia]

Oh,

[Mackenzie Jewel]

yeah, I do.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I have gotten that criticism before about. Yeah, the no punchline. But, you know, we'll see. Yeah, we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Sam J. How does it feel being on stage with the second funn lesbian comedian in the world right now?

[Sam J.]

I'm honored. No, I think I liked it, dude. I feel like you and the one that looked like a child. Y' all should go out and get pussy together. That's what I was thinking the whole time. Cause I was like, you got that, like, unsuspecting, like, I'm kind of, like, weird. Let me suck your titty thing. And then he got the I look like a kid thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Sam J.]

Like, y' all could probably scoop of mad hoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Would clean up at the playground. Yeah.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Like autistic hangovers.

[Sam J.]

Yeah, that's what I was. Think you see the vision?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Hell, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. It's like the hangover, but if you guys only had one drink, you guys would be that up in the store. White girl crunk.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Just lightweight as.

[Sam J.]

Yeah. White cloth. You got. Well, you got it, baby. You know what it is. Let's write it later. Home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm noticing a little slang. I'm noticing a little streets for someone with glasses as thick as yours. Are you in Houston? Are you from a very diverse neighborhood? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Shout out to the fo. Fo.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness gracious.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I was not on the streets, but I was in the window.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. My goodness.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Any black people in here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's. There's one right here. Yeah.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Don't know if you noticed.

[Sam J.]

It's like if MC had a stronger neck. Yeah,

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I didn't hear that. That's my bad. But I'm sure it was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it was.

[Sam J.]

It worked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. Yeah, it was. What do you think is the most hood thing about you out coming from the faux Fox, man?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

The most. I mean, you know, I just, I, I. I try to stand on business when I can.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. My goodness. You're like Mike Jones's tutor or something like that. This is absolutely incredible.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I. I feel young because every reference y' all make is just like, going way over. You're like, who, fuzzy van?

[Sam J.]

Who's McLovin?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Oh, wait, McLovin.

[Cam Patterson]

Oh.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Sam J.]

Dress like, you know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. You're like a wild Pokemon. How about that one?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. You get that one.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

GameStop. Amazing. What do you do for fun other than standup comedy?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah, yeah, no, nothing. It's just kind of my whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You must have a hobby. There must be some kind of setup.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I like to scrapbook.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Scrapbook.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I like to junk Journal. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you put in your scrapbook?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

You know, I'll just like, cut up, like, magazines and comic books and shit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you're a young serial killer. This is amazing. I like to cut out the eyes of women out of magazines and make my own women that I would like to be with.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So is it delivered or you go to the store to get 16 magazine?

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah, just thrifting, whatever I can. Just scrap paper. Found some stuff today.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Heath Cordes]

Wow.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah, but you know, know one of

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

the most frightening answers in the show's history, by the way. Scrapbooking. Of all the insane.

[Sam J.]

Aren't they looking for a serial killer here?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah. I've never done it, but yeah, we'll see.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like your style, buddy. Yeah.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Oh, thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thanks for making the drive down. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Mackenzie Jewel has made it to the kill Tony universe. Ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go. This is an interesting one. A one word name. Those historically are always very interesting. Risky business here. One word names in the history of Kiltoni. Make some noise for Goliath. Oh, it's inside. Doesn't say that. That. Okay, Goliath. All right. Okay. Goliath is inside. Huh? Most of them are at the bar. Usually if they're inside, there's an I next to their name, which indicates that here he is. Goliath, everybody. Hi, everybody.

[Goliath]

My name is Goliath. My girlfriend calls my dick David. Still haven't figured out if that's a compliment or an insult, but the reason she said she named him that was because as soon as I get my rocks off, I pass the fuck out. So I come from a crazy family. My dad was in the navy, my mom was a biker. So that means my first word was fuck. I've always been told that I've got a big mouth, but I. Or a bigger personality, but I have a bigger heart. Both medically and metaphorically. But I've always been told there's nothing small about me. Except for maybe David. But that's my time. Thank you guys so much.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

40 seconds.

[Red Band]

I was not expecting to get called tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, I mean, why would you expect to get called tonight?

[Goliath]

Fair enough. I did my best.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you been on here before?

[Goliath]

I have not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No.

[Goliath]

Actually, never.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, welcome.

[Goliath]

I've been in the crowd many, many times.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, good to see you, Goliath. How long have you been trying stand up comedy?

[Goliath]

This has been my sixth or seventh time on stage.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Where do you live?

[Goliath]

I live in Las Vegas, but I work in the music industry, so I mostly travel.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do in the music industry?

[Goliath]

I do tour management, security, and I drive tour buses.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That sounds about right. The look checks out for that. Something about those big crusty beards. People like you love being in that industry.

[Goliath]

Yeah.

[Sam J.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You drive the tour bus late at night?

[Goliath]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You sleep during the day for that?

[Goliath]

Most of the time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's an interesting job, a very interesting gig. So much trust and responsibility because you have to drive extremely talented people that other people pay vast sums of money to see. And no one knows who you are, gives a about you. Right. And like, so like when you're back, you know, it's like. Like 3 a. 2am, 3am, 4am, those eyes get a little heavy. Right. 5am and all of a sudden you're thinking about, holy, if I crash right now, people will never hear Creed again or something.

[Kane]

Nope.

[Goliath]

Actually kept me awake a lot of nights.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really.

[Goliath]

I really appreciate Kill Tony and everything you guys do here, so thank you very much. It was all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I saved Creed's life.

[Cam Patterson]

You did.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I keep your eyes. Eyes wide open. That was good. I'm complimenting myself. That was good.

[Goliath]

Good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That was quick. That was good. Can't plan for that. Segued right into it and I hit the notes. Okay, so let's talk about it. What else? What else makes you interesting? How old are you?

[Goliath]

I've been in the music industry since I was 15, but I'm 32.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

32.

[Goliath]

Before I started driving tour buses, I was a bodyguard, tour manager, merch guy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Guy.

[Goliath]

But before I did that, I worked for Google for a little bit. When I was a teenager, I used to run one of the largest underground music sharing websites in the world. Not Napster, but.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right.

[Goliath]

That's not a lie. It was called it leak.com. i actually ran it. That's how I got into the music industry. Yeah, I heard like seven people say that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Boom. You just got. I can back it up.

[Goliath]

And the people that watch this later

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

will back up dosed with street cred from Sam Jones. I love it. What else about you? Do you really have a tiny penis? Is that what's implied by David being your penis?

[Goliath]

They. They don't call me Goliath cuz I'm tall.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Do you ever steer the wheel with it when you're driving at night?

[Goliath]

I've thought about it. Honestly. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Very good.

[Goliath]

You got to stay awake somehow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uhhuh. You only did 40 seconds tonight. How long have you ever done on stage before?

[Goliath]

I could probably do three to five minutes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Interesting. Greg Fitzsimmons, you've seen a lot of people come and go and start and you've been around a long time. What do you think Goliath's chances are of being one of the best comedians in the world one day?

[Goliath]

Please be gentle, Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, you started Napster and you're. I did not start dressed in secondhand street gear. So I don't think you're really good at cashing in on your talent balance. But you look like Brian Posein, so you have a shot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you do look like Brian Post.

[Goliath]

I'll take it. He's a little taller than me, but I'll take it.

[Angel Miguez]

Huh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, well, Goliath, here's a little joke book.

[Goliath]

I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're gonna have to. There's no other option.

[Goliath]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Goliath. I'm gonna count that 40 seconds of mediocrity as a bomb. And with that, that, that means I bring to the stage a special force, if you will. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long awaited return of Drew Nickens.

[Red Band]

I'm blacker than Kamala Harris. When I first got my head injury, I was in a dark place. But you know what pulled me out of it? The children's TV show, the Wiggles. Y' all know the Wiggles? Fruit salad. Yummy, yummy. They're actually doing a tour across the US 18 and up. And I'm so excited because I'll be able to see my favorite music group and not be put on a registry. And imagine all the hipsters that are gonna be so fucked up on coke and molly. It's people watching for days. But don't worry, I'll be safe. Cause I'm gonna wear a helmet to the mosh pit. But I know I'm gonna find my soulmate, we're gonna lock eyes, and two years later we're gonna get married. On a day, the busters. And our registry's gonna be a Buc Ees and Taco Bell. And don't worry, I'm gonna get head in the parking lot of a Wiggles clock because that sounds like a bucket list. Adam, fruit salad. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Drew Nickens coming in. Owning the fucking room. I've not. I don't even know what the Wiggles are, but it seems like some people do. But if I had to guess what the type of person that would watch a show called the Wiggles would look like, that's what the police sketch in my head would look like. It would look like you, Drew.

[Red Band]

I went to the Wiggle Room. No Wiggles.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my goodness. There's a local bar called the Wiggle Room. For the millions of people that didn't understand what he's talking about there, the literal millions of people, there's a small bar in Austin called the Wiggle Room. D Madness is going there right now. He can't hear about it without going and getting a drink from the delicious Wiggle Room. Sam, what do you think about sweet Drew Nickens here?

[Sam J.]

That was fire. What's up, bro? That was fire. Cause it was, like, in the tone of, like, every 90s commercial I ever grew up watching. So my brain was just programmed for it. Like, I don't even know what you said, but I felt good at the end. I was like, yeah, that was complete. I feel good. Shit, I don't even know why. So you know, like, the same way, like Tyler Perry. Just be in my brain working with your craft. You did the same thing. That was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greg, this is your first time seeing Drew Nickens. What do you think about this bundle of energy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, I mean, the.

[Red Band]

The.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The outfit alone, I mean, it really is like you expect to see, like, a Karen getting into a slap fight on the sideline of a soccer game. You got the white New Balance and the mom jeans and the teeth. How do you describe the teeth? Let's just say if there was a. If there was a plane accident, it. And they had to identify you by your teeth, you could tell very quickly. Yeah, they're very distinct. Do you open bottles with them?

[Red Band]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He drinks a lot of energy drink. Tell Greg here how many energy drinks you consume in about a week.

[Red Band]

So actually, I've been cutting down on my energy drink consumption. I've been thinking about my health, and I'm only at 700 milligrams a day now instead of a thousand.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rock and roll.

[Uncle Laser]

Hell y. Yeah, I love it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's a lot. So how many cans of energy drink does that measure out to? About.

[Red Band]

It measured out to be about four to three.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Four to three. I like how you did that. Four to three. We're working backwards here. Tarantino back, and. Yes. Tarantino style. It's a. Between four and two.

[Sam J.]

I feel like I gotta call child protective services. It's like, that's not okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But he gives reviews on his Instagram. I think they're hilarious.

[Red Band]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Absolutely adorable set, Drew. You came out guns ablaze and blacker than Kamala Harris, which is true, believe it or not. Drew Nickens. I've seen pictures. His father is black. It is unbelievable. He's truly black. He's very excited to be black.

[Red Band]

She look like she wanted to kill me.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't.

[Sam J.]

Listen, man. Man. Weirder things have happened. I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He's.

[Sam J.]

I got to see the pic, though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is. Yeah.

[Sam J.]

I need confirmation. I'm sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is true. It looks exactly like if there was a pick of you and him. If you're wondering what it looks like, it looks like you and him.

[Sam J.]

I got it. I want.

[Red Band]

Say.

[Sam J.]

That's crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, he was really black. If he pulled out a BlackBerry just now instead of an I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is his dad's nickname. BlackBerry. They're evolving, folks. They're evolving to not get abused by the police. They are evolving. This is the newest model of black person.

[Sam J.]

See you getting me close to the Rittenhouse every time you talk.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what?

[Sam J.]

Not for nothing, this is the black guy I had in my mind.

[Red Band]

Hell, yeah.

[Sam J.]

If he is black, he one of them that look like, you know, the white lady got him coming out of one of those facilities.

[Red Band]

He look a gypsy.

[Sam J.]

Okay, I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is incredible. 50% black, which is technically 50% blacker than famous Indian Senator Kamala Harris. It is quite incredible.

[Sam J.]

I don't agree with any of what's being said.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's okay. I know you have to say that because you live in New York City. It's all right. It's okay. You have to physically say that. It's all right. So the Wiggles, that's on what, Nickelodeon?

[Red Band]

It was on Disney Channel. It's like an Australian TV show, and it was syndicated over in the U.S. it was. It's a great. It's a great show. Great songs, great production value. They have an octopus.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How many times would I have to get hit in the head with a baseball bat for. Until I start enjoying it?

[Red Band]

I would say probably 30 seconds to 45 seconds.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Perfect. Amazing. Drew, life's been good since you joined the show.

[Red Band]

Yeah, I. I went on my first date in two years. Like, two weeks. There's not gonna be a second, though. Don't worry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There's not gonna be a second date. No. What happened?

[Red Band]

She said, I can't give you what you deserve. I just want attention.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

She said that? Or was that you that said that?

[Red Band]

No, she said that I had. I had the text messages to say it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, she sent it via text.

[Red Band]

Yeah, it was. Dog. I cried to Mariah Carey, like, for four hours after that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you stop it. You did not leave a lot together. Wow.

[Red Band]

I mean, I get my all the hell.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, That's a Mariah Carey song you're singing.

[Red Band]

Who knows?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[Sam J.]

I don't know, bro.

[Red Band]

We both had a crush on Mariah Carey. Let's not lie.

[Sam J.]

This is like the American Idol when they be showing you the ones that didn't make it. But, like, if it didn't stop, stop. Like, you know, they cut it at some point.

[Red Band]

I love you, Sam.

[Sam J.]

Thanks.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Drew Nickens, you're a special force. There he goes. Drew Nickens, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. Keeping this fun train moving along. Chugga, chugga, choo, choo. Next up comes the comedy styling. 60 seconds from Mitchell. Mitchell MacArthur, everybody. Mitchell MacArthur. Here he is. Make some noise for Mitchell, everybody.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

How are we doing, guys? My name is Mitchell. I'm a fan of pranks. Not that funny. I went to a school the other day, and I pulled the fire alarm. Alarm. I'm genuinely surprised with how organized those blind kids were. They made out no problem. A little bit mean. But I am actually glad that I pulled the fire alarm, because if I didn't, they wouldn't have seen the fire I started. I learned a little something while I was at the school blind the other day. It's actually very cheap to run. Yeah, no light bill, Turn. Have you guys ever wondered why you never heard of a school shooter at a blind school? Too dark in there. Sometimes I get worried about making too many blind jokes. But then I remind myself I've never heard of a blind shooter before neither. So I think I'll be all right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Mitchell MacArthur. Oh, unbelievable. I swear to God, even I think a lot. I'm like, did we produce that? Like, to happen that way? Nope, just. The comedy gods are hilarious. Yes. Deep Madness has to pee a few times an episode. He peed before you came out. You did 60 seconds of blind hating jokes, and then boom. Your Worst nightmare comes out from behind you. The most likable blind man currently working in show business. Consistently, week after week, eating Stevie Wonder's lunch. Just out here crushing and killing. After years, you ate it. How does it feel, Mitchell MacArthur? You would have thought the audience was deaf by how they responded to your blind jokes.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Be honest, Tony, I'm just glad to be here for years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. I didn't know Kiltoni could stunt somebody's growth. This is incredible to see. I'm finding this out right now. Maybe you should try dating a blind girl. She won't mind the fact that you're 4 foot 11. I love it. Well, welcome, Mitchell. You're in it right now. You are in that show that you love so much. How long have you been attempting standup comedy?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Five months at this point.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five months? Where at? Here in Austin?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

No, I've been doing it in Knoxville, Tennessee.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Knoxville, Tennessee. Okay, that makes sense. Tennessee gets a lot of tornadoes. You look like you live in Oz. So what do you do for work in Knoxville?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Well, I just sold a house this year, so I'm currently.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You sold a house? Was it a little, tiny house?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Well, ironically, Tony, I actually am working on my own. Tiny house.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yes. What does that mean exactly? Go ahead and tell us.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Well, it's kind of like in the side of a hill with, like a round door.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah. Tell us more.

[Heath Cordes]

More.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

It's kind of like a hobbit's hole, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really? Yeah. And it has a tiny door.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

No, I have actually. It is a tiny door.

[Uncle Laser]

No, you're.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. You can't tell whether you want to play along with me or tell the truth. Right now. I see the wheels.

[Red Band]

Little Buzz.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tony, you're a little what? Little Buzz, Tony, you're a little buzz. You're a little everything. D Madness is roasting your ass, by the way. He's like, where's that. Why that sound coming from the ground right now? What's he doing? Tell him to get up. What the fuck's he doing down there? It's called stand up, not lay down.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Thank you, Redband.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever hung out with a blind person? Where do you think this hatred for blind people comes from?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

It's not a hatred, Tony. It's really just a joke. It was inspired. Inspired by Dean Madness. I love this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you're good. You're recovering well. You're recovering well. Sam J, what do you think about this tiny little boy?

[Sam J.]

I didn't like it at all. It was mean spirited. And that's not what this show is about.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is true. That is true. Absolutely.

[Sam J.]

I don't know how you made that decision. I'm just gonna be raped. The only blind black man I've ever met.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Well, I think it's mean that we don't include them. I think it's more inclusive.

[Sam J.]

You about to do karate. I also want you to calm down.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I just. I took it as an inclusive comedy. I feel like we put people off limits. Then I feel like, yeah, oh, we

[Sam J.]

don't want your fucking dissertation, bitch. Your fucking philosophy on comedy. You shut the fuck up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Greg Fitzsimmons, what do you think about this tiny, tiny buckaroonie?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, I've seen this show grow from when we sat in the belly room at the store with 30 people in the audience to Madison Square Garden. This guy's got a shot of being on the show and he shows up dressed like a fucking lifeguard. He's shitfaced, and his beard is a different color than his hair. What the fuck is going on, man? This is a big shot for you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Document the whole thing next time.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I'm sorry, that which is real hair

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

or the beard hair?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Both.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Sorry, it's just. It's still there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, okay. You use Just for Tiny Men.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I haven't heard of that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You make a great point, Greg, that I haven't thought of. Next time we do the Garden, I think we need a gnome. So have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about lives being a life? Live gnome in somebody's. I bet there's a really rich Texan, unfortunately, somewhere that just owns an oil field. It might be this sleepy right here.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Well, that's unfortunate.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

About.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, you know what?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I want a real one. Give me a little white boy with a beard and curly hair. We give him 500 bucks an hour to stand there butt naked.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

We keep getting diversity hires, but nobody worries about small people. They're always forcing us into specific jobs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Like working underneath houses and.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait a second. Hold on. Jump. I want to. I just heard a noise. Hold on. Jump. Come on, come on. Do it again. Do it again. Jump. Oh, very good. You guys really have this down. It's almost like it would seem like all you'd have to do is press a button at the right time. Hold on. Jump again. Jump again. Okay, that's. Guess that's as close as it get. Why would you. Your soundboard have a delay? That's a whole different problem. Either you're unprofessional one way or you're unprofessional in another way. It's not me. It's the board that I decided to use. Imagine if d's keyboard had a five second delay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So as far as being short, do you make the cut in terms of, like, special plates and a different Olympics and all that stuff? Like, what is it, five foot foot? Is it four foot ten? How tall are you?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I'm five seven.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, you're not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're literally not. Where's the tape measure at? Y. Oh, we love it on this show.

[Sam J.]

I'm. I'm five.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We love it on this show. Oh, no. Sit down, Greg. Sit down. I got news for you. We're gonna do you one better, buddy. There's always a scale and there's always a tape measure. After 11 and a half years, we learn. We do this live. Yoni, where the is my tape measure? Ladies and gentlemen? Heidi with a tape measure. Make him take his shoes off. Take off those sandals, buddy. Oh, we got news for you. And make sure you go to the top of his head, not the hair. Feel that, Feel that, Yoni. There you go. What do we got there, Yoni? Yoni, wait, wait, wait, wait. Straighten it out right there. Right. Go, go lower. Yoni, what do you got? I'm shrinking. What is it, five?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Five and a half.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five, five and a half, Ladies and gentlemen. That's a big lie. I'm shrinking. Tony.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

I don't know what's going on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, you don't know what's going on, huh? Like you haven't been hoping and praying to grow your whole life.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

You're right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do you think, we're blind?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Fits, fits, fits, fits, fits. Oh, man. If the shoe fits, you must wear it, my little friend.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I swear I'm taller than. Than that still, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What makes you say that?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I swear, the last time I was at the doctor, they said six' two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. You're trying to be funny right now.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

No, I swear. My, my. If I had my wallet, I would show you 57. They.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've not. I've never heard of.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I. Maybe I wear my shoes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I've heard of pretty little liars. I've never heard of ugly little liars before. This is incredible what's happening here. I swear there, Tony, what the do you think happened? Gravity. Okay, sure, buddy. Don't make us pull out the scale. Dude, how much do you think you weigh? Oh, look at the wheels turning. What do you think it is, Tony? There's no doubt about it. I got him at about 34. No chance. Bring out the scale.

[Kane]

What do you think?

[Fuzzy]

What do you think?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I got him at about 115.

[Red Band]

I'll get him. 118.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

118, 115. That's the red band hing cliff range right now. But take the shoes off. You wanted to wear sandals. Easy on, easy off. What are we doing here? You're weighing Heidi. Don't change it to the metric system. What's going on there? Hold on.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Also on. On carpet, Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So it's not that doesn't matter. Shut the up.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

You know wrestling you've been waiting for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, here we go. What do we got there? What the is that? It says the time. Take that. What the are we doing here? Yoni. It's a goddamn Yoni job. Heidi's supposed to just look good. Yoni. You're not supposed to have her doing math over here. Oh, wow. 130. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Somebody let him put rocks in his pockets before coming on. Normally we empty the people's pockets. It's incredible. Do you work out? Work out at the jungle gym or something like that?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I used to do wrestling, and so I used. I. I used to assistant coach.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And what was your weight class when you wrestled?

[Mitchell MacArthur]

I start at the lightest ones. Tony.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Well, you'll never believe what you're walking away with here tonight. Go, buddy. Booyah. Congratulations. You were fun. It was a long interview. It was a good set. There you go. There he is, ladies and gentlemen. Mitchell MacArthur, everybody. Mitchell MacArthur. Trying to say something as he walks away. I don't know what. It doesn't matter. All right. Nope. One more bucket pull. All right, we have another one. Word name, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Cain. C A I N Cain. What's up, everybody?

[Kane]

I used to work at this job. I had a lot of wasp flying around, and I swatted it one, one time as a flying front. And my co worker, they go, hey, be careful, man. You know, when you do that, that the wasp, they'll spray you with a pheromone, and it lets other wasp know that you're a hitter. I was like, wow. You know, thank God women don't have that feature.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Am I right?

[Kane]

Like, not for me. Like, for my uncles and stuff, you know, like, they'd be real stinky if that was the case. And I just feel like, you know, like, pheromones, that's such a crazy concept. And, like, if women did have that feature, it just raises the question, like, what does a man that hits women smell like? Probably like Axe body spray or something, you know? That's what I would assume. And I just think that's, like, a crazy con. I think women should have that, you know, like, when you buy a car, you can't ask for airbags. That just comes standard, you know? That's a safety feature. So, like, I just picture that you're at a bar, right? Like a woman, and a guy's like, hey, can I buy you a drink? And you're like, yeah, sure. Nah, I'm okay.

[Red Band]

Whoa.

[Cam Patterson]

You know.

[Jake Hayes]

All right.

[Kane]

Thank y', all, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Kane getting laughs throughout his set from the crowd. Welcome, Kane. How are you?

[Kane]

What's up, Tony? How are you?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Good. What are you. What's going on over here? Can't tell. What the hell is going on over here?

[Kane]

Mexican.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Welcome, Kane. How old are you?

[Kane]

Today's my birthday. I'm 27.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Happy birthday. Thank you.

[Kane]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. How long you been doing stand up?

[Kane]

One year, nine months.

[Alicia]

Months.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One year and nine months. That's a great answer. You know it down to the date.

[Kane]

Yeah, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Kane]

I build airplane engines.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Airplane engines.

[Kane]

Yeah. Aviation maintenance technician.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Absolutely incredible. Sam, what do you think about this guy?

[Sam J.]

I think it's cool that he answered one of them commercials like, you want to be an aviation. That's fire.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Yeah.

[Sam J.]

I always wonder about the. That call. Like, yeah, yeah, I do wanna do that shit. So that's dope as fuck.

[Kane]

It's one of those commercials, like, where they're like, you sitting at home on your couch.

[Sam J.]

That's fire. I'm proud of you. I also thought it was a really good set.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you.

[Sam J.]

I appreciate it. He has a whole fucking joke.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Sam J.]

You stayed on topic, and you stayed on topic, and that's not easy to do in a minute. And I liked when you heard the thing, you kind of sped it up. Like, you were kind of in a little pocket, but you were like, I gotta get. Get the shit out. And you were going to get to the shit. So that was cool to me, too, man. I. Good job, man.

[Kane]

Thanks. I appreciate it. I love you.

[Sam J.]

Thank you.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah.

[Kane]

I watch you a lot.

[Angel Miguez]

I'm not.

[Sam J.]

That's it.

[Alicia]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Hell, yeah. There you go. Greg, what do you think about this? This Mexican.

[Kane]

The Mexicans in general or, like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, the glasses. You look like Elton Juan.

[Kane]

I appreciate that. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rocket, mijo.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Kane]

No, I wanted to stand out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I love it. They look great. These are the.

[Kane]

These are the glasses from Casino. They're what De Niro wore.

[Heath Cordes]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they are. Yeah, I like that they have the

[Kane]

quote on the inside of the leg.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's sweet. Rothstein, right? What is his last name in the movie? Oh, I remember. Yeah, absolutely.

[Sam J.]

So these glasses mean nothing to you in actuality?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Sam J.]

You're a fucking fraud. He's like, I don't even know what the. What. What. What are you talking about?

[Kane]

Yeah, I just like them.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they are great glasses.

[Kane]

Thanks, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I appreciate it. They really are.

[Kane]

It's a great puffer you have on.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Thank you. Yeah, I like the one that you're wearing underneath your shirt. What's on your chain? What do you got there?

[Kane]

This is a centenario. It's a Mexican coin from 19.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Michael Gonzalez just got hard as a rock. I don't know what it means, but what does the Mexican coin mean?

[Kane]

So Mexico went crazy back in the day, and they just decided to.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Back in the day. So you're telling me. I don't know if you've seen our board or.

[Kane]

That's a down. They decided to make solid gold coins. So it's.

[Sam J.]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Greg doesn't give a about it. Jes. Get the. Away from me. Yeah.

[Kane]

So it's real.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. I'm kidding. Okay. Wow. This is incredible. 50 pesos. 375 oro puro oo de toto. Yeah, it's a real 24 gold Unidos Mexicano.

[Kane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's beautiful. Thank you so much for this. It's absolutely incredible. Absolutely stunning.

[Kane]

Thanks, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And then what's the ring? Is that the Longhorns?

[Kane]

No, it's a Mercedes Benz.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mercedes Benz. And what do you drive?

[Kane]

I drive a BMW.

[Red Band]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at you, dude. What's going on?

[Kane]

I like German cars.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Kane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Why do you like German cars?

[Kane]

I grew up a Chevy guy, and then when I started working aviation, I bought a Porsche and I fell in love with it. And so I've been buying BMWs and Mercedes since.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Unbelievable.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have you thought about IKEA? Cause they'll steal the BMW.

[Sam J.]

These guests have been like. It's like, all right. If there was an autistic Pokemon. And we just saw him getting greater and greater and greater and greater. Cause now we at the, like, gold chain BMW level.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah,

[Sam J.]

what's that, Nick?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They never cease to amaze. So many different shapes and sizes and personalities. A Mexican airplane engineer. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Someday a woman will be up here.

[Sam J.]

You ain't great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What else should we know about you? Before I let you go, Kane, give us a fun fact about your wife. Wild and crazy life. Any hobbies Special skills or talents that would surprise us. You a jump rope phenom or something like that?

[Kane]

Well, I used to be. I was a. I was a boxer for, like, 10 years, on and off.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Kane]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Incredible. Really? Can we put the mic in the mic stand? Let's see a little shadow boxing here.

[Kane]

I haven't done this. I was like, 18.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. All right. Very good. Very good. You're like.

[Red Band]

Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Rocky road.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, man.

[Kane]

I actually. I got. I got fat.

[Sam J.]

That looked like some. On. We fit.

[Kane]

Yeah, I went. I went back to my gym when I was like, 19, and they were like, we don't train anyone over 18. And that's when I got fat, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah.

[Kane]

But I'm a Golden Glove champion. Like, it's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why were you going to a pedophile's gym? We want only kids under 18 here. Yeah, man.

[Kane]

That's Dallas.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely amazing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That looked less like boxing sparring than somebody that walked into a spider web.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I think the shadow. That's the first time the Shadows ever won a boxing match. It's incredible. It is incredible. The shadow, by the way. Six foot two. We measured it out. Unlike Mitchell MacArthur, the tiny, tiny little man.

[Kane]

Five, five up there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Five five. No doubt about it.

[Kane]

I stepped on. I'm walking up here. Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. That's what it would have sounded like. Like a little, tiny rubber ducky. Anything else we should know about you, Kane? You seem.

[Kane]

I pretended to go to college for two years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ooh. Who'd you. Who was. Who were you pretending for? Your parents? Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

[Sam J.]

Yo, I just saw his Netflix documentary where this Asian girl pretending to go to college for two years.

[Kane]

My sister sent me out.

[Sam J.]

She killed her family.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, I saw that. I know.

[Sam J.]

Did you kill your family?

[Kane]

No, not yet.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. Yeah, but they might ride on one of the airplanes that he's the engineer for one day and he's going to get his revenge.

[Kane]

I worked for Boeing for sure.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't work for Boeing?

[Kane]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Great. You're doing a good job out there. Now that we've mentioned Boeing, we're probably all going to be assassinated after this. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for funny Kane on social media. Underscore. His name's Kane. As you can tell by the music, the Mexicans are very biased towards their own kind. But the tone of the music is about to change as I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, a phenom, ladies and gentlemen. You know them. You love them. This is Cam Patterson.

[Cam Patterson]

I Was in Utah this weekend, and Mormons like guns. I didn't know that. They really fuck with guns a lot out there. Like, my homeboy had a brother, he got a gun. He had a lot of guns in his truck, and he had, like, any gun you could think of. It was, like, so many guns, and then, like, it was crazy. And at the back of the truck, it was also, like, a first aid kit. And then when I opened it up, it was just more guns. That was. I'm like, oh, you just an asshole, brother. When I shoot you, then I'm gonna really kill your ass, dummy. The funny thing was, most of his guns had, like, silencers on them. And that's terrifying, right? Cause he's not an assassin. He's an accountant. You feel what I'm saying? Why do regular people have guns with silencers on it? That's. What are we doing? I asked myself, hey, man, man, why do most of your guns have silencers? That's kind of crazy. Like, what if you shoot somebody in your house? You don't want to call the police? And I was like, you a murderer. Just a bad guy. All right, that's it, I take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did it again. Add it to the mix. That's another minute from the great Cam Patterson. Putting out so much content, living the dream. Selling out absolutely everywhere. Having to ad show shows, theaters, everything. Huge offers a true kill. Tony Freak specimen.

[Cam Patterson]

Changed my life.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That the system is working. And another new minute here tonight.

[Sam J.]

You sound like the coach from Dallas Cowboys. You'd be relaxed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That is how we approach this. What the hell were we talking about? Talking about last Monday after this show where we were cracking up. Oh,

[Cam Patterson]

disintegrate.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. It was. Disintegrate. I don't even think we can talk about now that I think about it. No, we can't say it.

[Cam Patterson]

We can't say it, but it's pretty funny.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's the funny.

[Cam Patterson]

Y' all will never know how funny it was because we can't talk about it. Because it's pretty up. But it's pretty funny,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

huh?

[Jake Hayes]

Is it?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cause you can't spell it.

[Red Band]

Fuck you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Michael Gonzalez. Little chimichurri on that roast. Just so we know, none of the band approved that joke. The hell did. What the hell did you just say?

[Cam Patterson]

I can spell it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, let's do it.

[Cam Patterson]

Nope, not at all, brother.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We were talking about how we're breaking down the walls of things and this and that. We're having one of those just living the dream talks, and he Said, we're not just doing this, we're disintegrating them. And I said, and you can't. You can't spell disintegrate without out. And we laugh for a bit and we got. We got sidetracked. And a minute or two goes by and he says, oh great. And I go, no, Nick. Oh, you're wondering what me and Cam laugh About at 2am if you ever see us flying across the bar.

[Cam Patterson]

That was funny as fuck though.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was. We really make each other laugh. Very. We might have to edit that out of the podcast.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah. I don't know why you did that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I told him we were going to tell him that.

[Kane]

You told him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I know. I couldn't help myself. Redb Red band said I should say it. I don't know why I listen to him.

[Cam Patterson]

That's. Why would you do that to yourself?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know. These. No one's going to believe them. Phones are locked up. Yeah, it's over. Perfect.

[Cam Patterson]

You heard nothing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're going to keep it in the episode. Why are you excited? You're here anyway, Cam? What else is going. You were really in Utah, huh?

[Angel Miguez]

I was in Utah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

This place is wild. Utah is a very interesting place.

[Uncle Laser]

It was.

[Cam Patterson]

It's pretty strange.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, it's pretty.

[Cam Patterson]

My dad. My dad, you know, he come everywhere with me on the road and shit. And there was a porn star in the front row. And I didn't do a meet and greet after the first show cause I just wanted feeling too great and. But we found out she was a porn star like during the show. And he brought her in the green room playing her porn. He was like, look, that's her. And she getting fucked in the ass.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Look at her.

[Cam Patterson]

And then she was like, hey, that's me. That's me. And the funniest shit, like she onlyfans mom. So she was doing it like with her husband and shit. And so then my dad go, that's him. Little dick nigga. That's him. The little dick nigga. It was my favorite part of it. Utah was fun.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was fun.

[Cam Patterson]

I didn't fuck that later. But I thought about it a lot. I thought cuz he kept saying like you can my wife if you want to. And I just kept thinking, he gonna be there. That's the scariest part.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's the scary part. Yep. Cross side watching Kevin Patterson's my wife. Yep. He's gonna get his rocks off. Greg Fitzsimmons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean that's what I was gonna ask you is like you Know your father's your manager.

[Cam Patterson]

No, no, they'll not.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Not exactly. But he just be there. He just be around.

[Cam Patterson]

He just like being around.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, see, just be taking 10% of your money.

[Cam Patterson]

No, no. Oh, no, he don't. He don't take no money. Well, actually,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have no idea why you're lying in his defense right now.

[Cam Patterson]

He don't. He don't take no money. But when I. When I first started doing stand up, we had made a deal, right? So I was broke, obviously. And so we had made. We had made like, merch. He was like, hey, for the rest of your co. Right, you just bet. He's like, for the rest. What the is. Hey, don't play this, nigga. You up. Fucking up my tempo right now. Red man. God damn it. I got scared of shit. Oh, we in the courtroom. Nigga, what the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I hate courtrooms, nigga.

[Cam Patterson]

So. So stop, nigga.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's scary.

[Cam Patterson]

So when we started. When we started, he told me.

[Uncle Laser]

He was like.

[Cam Patterson]

He was like, you gotta understand something. I'm gonna make your money.

[Alicia]

Merch.

[Cam Patterson]

Make your merch, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, ignore me, Cam. Go ahead, tell the story. I got 8080.

[Cam Patterson]

So I'mma. I'm g. Make your merch. But I need. We going to split it 50. 50 for the rest of your career. That's what we going to do. And I was like, yeah, no problem. And I was broke on the couch. I like, no, we can do that. And now, like, we making a little bit of money. And now he like, so.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

They don't know how to play a court thing. The horn players are immune to the court music, I guess.

[Alicia]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So he took care of you.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And then there's a little. So you guys give each other reparations. It's incredible how things are changing. This is absolutely amazing. I love the looks that I'm getting from Sam J. Tonight

[Cam Patterson]

I got back up now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We're having fun here. So, sam.

[Red Band]

Yeah.

[Sam J.]

So

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

this is so fun.

[Cam Patterson]

I tell you something else.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

I bet my homeboy $5,000 in. In drunk basketball.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You played him for $5,000?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What? When? In Utah?

[Red Band]

Yeah, Utah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my God. Then what happened?

[Cam Patterson]

Well, I. I beat him, obviously, but I beat him. But I didn't drink at all.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Genius.

[Cam Patterson]

He drank all the. He don't even know this yet. Nobody. He don't know this at all.

[Jake Hayes]

But.

[Cam Patterson]

So the game plan was. I was like, bitch, I can beat you in basketball. He was like, no, you can't. He a little bit taller than me. So I probably couldn't. So I was like, you know, we should play drunk basketball. And so the whole thing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How tall is he? Five, five and a half.

[Cam Patterson]

He like six.

[Uncle Laser]

Two.

[Cam Patterson]

He like six two.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Cam Patterson]

And so I was like, we gonna play, like, play drunk basketball. So the whole time, whole night, I'm feeding him like real shots and they just giving me water shots. And then at one point.

[Sam J.]

That's how date rape start.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, I didn't him in the ass, Jay. Yeah, I just beat him in basketball.

[Sam J.]

All right.

[Red Band]

Yeah, so.

[Cam Patterson]

So it kept. It kept giving him like. They just kept giving him liquor. And at one point I felt bad. Cause he been drinking margarita and the whole show. And I've been drinking at all. And I was like, let's just do five shots instead of eight. And then he was like, no, what? You pussy. Let's do eight. I was like, you know what? Yes, let's do eight. And then we took eight shots. And then I just beat the fuck out of him at basketball. And he will never know until this episode comes out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Did he pay you?

[Red Band]

Huh?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did he pay you?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, he paid you?

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He already paid you. What?

[Cam Patterson]

I mean, he paid me. Increments.

[Sam J.]

Whoa.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He gave.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He should only pay hate. If you can spell that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I can spell.

[Cam Patterson]

I can spell increments.

[Sam J.]

You need to. You better start spelling, boy.

[Cam Patterson]

I can spell increments.

[Sam J.]

Now I'm upset.

[Cam Patterson]

What can you spell increments?

[Sam J.]

I didn't claim to.

[Cam Patterson]

I can spell increments.

[Sam J.]

I'm not up there saying increments.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just know.

[Cam Patterson]

I know big words and shit. I know big words. I can spell increments.

[Sam J.]

You gotta what now? We gotta fight for our race now.

[Cam Patterson]

Well, that's what. What Shit.

[Sam J.]

Somebody gotta spell something.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'll get

[Red Band]

look at bad bro D. Spell increments. Increments.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Cam, I'll give you $500 if you can spell. Yeah, we are. Oh, yes, we are. Sam. Welcome to Texas, Sam J. This is black spelling me. $500 on the line. The word is increments. You can ask any question you'd like. It's origin. It's.

[Sam J.]

This is crazy, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You could ask me to use it in a sentence. I'm gonna go home, bro. Nope, there's no home. In fact, we canceled your flights for tomorrow.

[Cam Patterson]

Can I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Increments.

[Cam Patterson]

Can I phone a friend?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nope, there's no phoning a friend. And we just got word none of your friends know how to spell it either. Would you like. Would you like a definition perhaps?

[Sam J.]

I know. I know what it means.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, increase or addition, especially one of a series on a fixed scale. The inmates pay can escalate in 5 cent increments to a maximum of 90 cents an hour. I'm not kidding. That is the example they give in the Oxford language dictionary. You cannot make it up. Yeah, I don't know why it would be.

[Sam J.]

Okay, can we. Like, like, like, if I'm starting wrong, can you at least let me know I'm starting?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, you. Is this. Are you guys both special? Yes. No.

[Sam J.]

I'm gonna go by my. We're going together.

[Mitchell MacArthur]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right.

[Sam J.]

Taxi.

[Cam Patterson]

We got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We got it. Wait, you guys.

[Cam Patterson]

I believe in us.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's. It's automatically down 250.

[Sam J.]

I'm so upset.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, you guys are splitting. I only have 500 in the budget. Wait, wait, wait. What?

[Sam J.]

Wait, C, R, I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, wait, wait. That's not how spelling be works, you guys. You listen. White people listen.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do your job.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't get to tell them my show. You're done. You are done. Put that mic down. You are done. Now. Ladies and gentlemen, to definitely not spell it correctly, I present to you. This is black spelling bee Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cam Patterson]

I, N, C,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

R,

[Mackenzie Jewel]

E,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

N. Wait, what was that? Wait, what did you just say? E, n, t, s.

[Red Band]

No,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm a genius. Just to let you know, the part was where you said N and the whole room goes no. Was the part where you lost. And that was another segment of black spelling be, ladies and gentlemen. Who wins? All of us.

[Sam J.]

Damn.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was good, though.

[Cam Patterson]

That was good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It was an M. It was an M and then the room corrected you. But don't worry, there's a lot of people at home saying n right now as well.

[Cam Patterson]

I got farther than all y' all thought I was gonna get, and that's

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

all I care about. I'll tell you this, I honestly thought I didn't see you accidentally saying N instead of M on my prediction sheet, but I thought you were going to spell it. Min. As in like min ts for sure. I mean, is like so positive. But there you are, full of surprises incarnate. Always entertaining as hell. One more time for the great Camp Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my goodness. Black spelling be is its own Kill Tony spin off show. Again, we reserve the right here. That is my property. I don't know why I sounded like Trump just then. It's my property. You've been doing that a lot tonight. All right, back to the show we go. Ladies and gentlemen, the. Are you doing back there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm Gonna get her another drink.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh yeah. What do you want? Old fashion Manhattan?

[Sam J.]

I'm not drinking the old Fashioned.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What is that?

[Sam J.]

It's a Hennessy with ginger beer and an orange slice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hennessy with ginger beer and an orange slice. Ladies and gentlemen, it appears as though black spelling bee is going to have round two here.

[Red Band]

No more

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket poll. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Jake Hayes everyone. Jake Hayes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How's everybody doing?

[Jake Hayes]

I've been going to therapy recently. My therapist told me anytime I'm upset I need to use I statements. I don't think that was the best advice because now anytime in an argument I'm just like. I've been losing arguments. You gotta stick to you statements. People like, you stupid bitch. They say abs are made in the kitchen. I don't really think that's true. None of the women I know have six packs a bun in the oven maybe. Yeah man, women are fertile these days. They really are. Which is why I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy. Just want to be dishwasher safe. Growing up, my dad got me into comic books. Turns out Spider Man's my favorite superhero. Cause he reminds me a lot of my dad. Not only is my dad my hero, but he also hung himself from the ceiling. Coincidentally enough, he was black, which I wasn't upset about the whole situation. I was more so appreciative of the fact that I'm one of the few black guys whose dad actually hung around.

[Pauly Shore]

Thank you.

[Jake Hayes]

That's my time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jake Hayes with his Kel Tony debut. Is that that correct, Jake, your first time here? Yes.

[Jake Hayes]

Yes sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. How long you been on standup?

[Jake Hayes]

Like a year.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Where at?

[Jake Hayes]

Houston with McKenzie. He was just on, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Jake Hayes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Secret group.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, definitely. There you go. Represent. Secret group.

[Jake Hayes]

Trying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. So about a year at the secret group. You have a black dad?

[Jake Hayes]

I do, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is he alive?

[Jake Hayes]

I honestly don't know.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You really don't just think of.

[Jake Hayes]

You know. I fantasize about where wherever happened to him, you know, I don't know. I don't know if he is or not. Yeah, but he is black.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. Checks out. Checks out.

[Sam J.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, Sam's on to who does the sound effects around here. Okay. Now you have a black beard and a different color hair. This is the second time someone like this has been on the show. Are you aware that your hair does not match the color of your body beard?

[Jake Hayes]

I am now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You didn't notice that ever Kind of have Reddish hair. Sure, sure. Yeah, I guess.

[Jake Hayes]

Yeah, yeah. No, today I'm, I'm. I'm in the moment, noticing it now.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How old are you?

[Jake Hayes]

38.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

38. And you're literally being informed right now, live on a show that your hair and your beard are two different colors.

[Jake Hayes]

I mean, you know.

[Uncle Laser]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I'm gonna have your beard spell the word increments real quick. We're gonna find out if it's actually black or Sam J. Let's check in with Sam here.

[Sam J.]

What's your name, sir? Blind sir? D. Madd is. He said 38. D Madden said, God damn. And that's been making me laugh a lot.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Dee also partakes in the Hennessy during the show.

[Sam J.]

That's funny, man. That was good. You came out and you yelled at bitches. Right? That was the start. What did you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What was the start?

[Jake Hayes]

Therapy.

[Sam J.]

You was like, fuck therapy.

[Jake Hayes]

No, no, no. I've been going to therapy and my therapist is. Yep, yep.

[Sam J.]

A bitch or something. No, my therapist immediately. Let's not skip around that. You walked out and it was like, something, something bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I was like, oh, yeah.

[Jake Hayes]

No, I was saying my therapist was teaching me I statements. Right. And then they're not working. So then I said, you gotta stick to you statements, you stupid bitch.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam J.]

That's the part I didn't like. Yep.

[Jake Hayes]

It wasn't directed towards you.

[Sam J.]

I didn't like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jake?

[Jake Hayes]

Yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for a living?

[Jake Hayes]

I'm a nurse.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. What kind of nurse are you?

[Jake Hayes]

I used to work in, like, trauma icu. Now I work in, like, prisons and jails.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Jails. Okay. What made you want to start working in prisons and jail? Are you looking for your father? You know the looks Sam J. Are giving me. If I could get a compilation of all the looks I get from Sam after this, that'd be great.

[Jake Hayes]

Honestly, I just saw the opportunity. I was in the military for a while and it kind of seemed like Simon. Similar. Yeah, they're very similar.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, what'd you do in the military?

[Jake Hayes]

I was a special operations medic for the Navy.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow, amazing. Look at that. An American hero. I love it. No, you saw some crazy stuff over there.

[Jake Hayes]

I mean, you know, just regular stuff, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, you just went into a PTSD moment right there. That was pretty wild to see. Jake, what do you do for fun?

[Jake Hayes]

For fun? Skydive, scuba dive, like shooting guns, skateboarding. I started comedy a year ago, so that's kind of fun.

[Sam J.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you want to start comedy

[Jake Hayes]

I think, like, you know, it's just like, after I got out of the military, I just wanted something to continue to do, like work towards and continue to grow. There's no real capital on it, so I just wanted to continue to work towards something with no, like, real ending. Just to get better at something and work on. I've always liked comedy, so it seemed like it would be a good idea.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I like all that. I like all the hobbies you've made up for every loser that's been on tonight that literally does nothing with their life at all, and you're doing all of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You'd be shocked how few hobbies we have up here.

[Jake Hayes]

Oh, okay.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Hell yeah. You keep yourself distracted.

[Jake Hayes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep.

[Jake Hayes]

Shrooms too.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let me see your abs. You look.

[Jake Hayes]

Oh, no, no, I'm not in shape now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let me see. Pull up your shirt.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Uh. Oh. Whoa. He's a pack. Oh, no.38.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Jake Hayes]

There's no six pack or anything. I'm just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, all right. There you go.

[Jake Hayes]

I'd fuck myself, but that's about it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

One extremely horny lady in the middle of the room literally willing to fuck a centaur up here. You know what a centaur is?

[Jake Hayes]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're very centaur esque. You literally could have the body of a horse behind you. It's a very special type of human.

[Red Band]

Hit.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. There's the sound of a centaur. Centaur music. All right, that's galloping. Come on, hit it. That's you, that's you.

[Jake Hayes]

All right, that's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Jake, what's your love life like?

[Jake Hayes]

None.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

A.

[Jake Hayes]

What do you mean? A.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you mean? I don't know. Know. Are you on dating apps and things like that?

[Jake Hayes]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You meet women in public. How does it go?

[Jake Hayes]

It doesn't.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Have you ever talked to him? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How does that normal, bro.

[Sam J.]

Look how he just moved his arm up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He closed off his body language.

[Sam J.]

Don't do no more, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I got you.

[Sam J.]

We all want to live tonight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I got to go a little bit further.

[Sam J.]

Leave that man alone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just had that same feeling. Something switched, like.

[Sam J.]

Hey, stop.

[Red Band]

Switched.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He opened up his arms behind his back. Now centaur movements, but now they, like, fight.

[Sam J.]

It's like fight. It's like fight stance.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

He just literally went. He's trying to not be a centaur and he keeps just up.

[Jake Hayes]

I don't know what I'm doing to be a Centaur.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude, you're a centaur. Dude, you are a centaur. Every time you try to hide your centaurism, it comes out. Out even stronger.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

If you were to. If you were to go to the ocean, you would emerge from one of those waves, like one of those horrible paintings.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yep. Yep. What do you think is the less least centaur thing about you?

[Jake Hayes]

Oh, I don't eat hay.

[Sam J.]

That is the worst choice.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The top is human. Why would you eat hay? Right? You wouldn't eat hay.

[Sam J.]

Good question.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam J.]

You could have, like, you should have, like, I'm not a centaur. Like, I'm not half a horse. Where you were like, I don't like the food.

[Jake Hayes]

I mean, honestly, at this point, everybody thinks I'm a centaur. I don't know how to get out of it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I don't know if everybody. Do you guys think he's Centauri? Well, yeah. Yeah. No, it is, everybody. It's 100% of the vote inside the room. For those of you listening to the podcast, this guy's very excited about it.

[Sam J.]

He just described bullying.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Centaur. Yeah. I am not a half a horse. Stop it. I got bullied on Kill Tony. What was it? Was it your race? What was it? No, they said it was a half a horse. They insisted. The room went crazy.

[Jake Hayes]

I mean, I get the half a horse from the waist down thing, but. But, like, I don't think.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You don't think your top half is centaur esque? Nah, he's coming around the outside.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

No,

[Jake Hayes]

I galloped right into that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Dude. Dude, I love it. I love it. Absolutely amazing. And you've never been in a stable relationship? Nay. Here's a. Here's a. Here's a big joke book. There you go.

[Jake Hayes]

Thank you so much.

[Fuzzy]

Thank you, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The set was all right, but I'm giving it to him. I like the interview. Oh, there he goes. Listen to the sound of him walking away. Very interesting. Oh, wow. Oh, my goodness. All right, another bucket bowl we're flying through. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next comedian. Joe Filey, everybody. Here's Joe Filey. Make some noise for Joe, everyone. These people wait all day. Some of them travel from around the world. They fly here for this

[Joe Filey]

kill. Tony, how we doing? I like that reaction. That's. That's good. You know, I've been talking to a lot with my friends about having the talk with my dad, and my talk went way different than all their talks because, like, I sat down, he's like, son, we both know what you look like. A lot of girls are gonna say no, and that's okay. You just gotta get them drunk enough you can hold them down with one arm and cover their mouth with the other. No, that ain't true. I would never rape a girl. I only half raped a girl. I had a conjoined twin, and this bitch had two heads. Well, no, these bitches had one body. I guess you would say it was definitely the best of both worlds. Like, one head was yelling yes and the other one was saying no. And I was like, what more could I ask for? The only thing I could ask for more in that situation would be a nugget. The people laughing. You got fucked up, Reddit. A nugget's a chick with no arms or legs.

[Red Band]

Legs.

[Joe Filey]

Like, just picture. I. I could come in her three times and just throw her in the closet like a sock until mom finds her. All right, that's my time. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's the first time we've had a double felony admitted to during a 60 second set.

[Joe Filey]

Got to do. If you're from Youngstown, you're going to felonies in a minute.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's okay. Yes. I mean, yeah, I guess it's okay to. If you can joke about rape, as long as you don't look like a rapist.

[Joe Filey]

You know, the problem with looking like a rapist is never the chick I want to rape. That's saying I look like the rapist. It's always like a Chevy Cavalier when I want, like a Camaro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Everything is getting scarier the more you talk. You are.

[Joe Filey]

Listen, Halloween's almost here. I'll come back.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. All right, just slow down, Joe. Slow down big time. Breathe a little bit, buddy.

[Joe Filey]

Breathe, breathe. I'm breathing. I'm calm. I'm sober this time for you. Oh.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, okay. All right. You were. You've been on this show before. What were you on last time you were on this show where you say you're sober?

[Joe Filey]

It was the double. Oh, it's on cocaine last time. And we.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. All right, Gez, you just have no filter whatsoever.

[Joe Filey]

We're just living life, bro. It's 6th Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, sure. 6th street, represent. Absolutely, Joe. Talk less.

[Joe Filey]

Yeah, yeah, I got you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You sure you're not on cocaine tonight?

[Joe Filey]

Just happened. Nine months. I'm back on, bro. It's a good, good time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay. It's been nine months since you were on the show.

[Joe Filey]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And now you're back.

[Joe Filey]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How long have you been doing standup comedy, Joe.

[Cam Patterson]

It's been.

[Joe Filey]

It's been about two and a half years.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Two and a half years. Very good. What do you do for work?

[Joe Filey]

Work at Amazon.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You work at Amazon? Not anymore, by the way.

[Joe Filey]

Oh, no, listen, I got demoted because the last time I was on here, honestly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wait, are you serious?

[Joe Filey]

Yeah. I said I work with and my boss and. And I mentioned cocaine, and I went back and I was no longer a manager.

[Fuzzy]

Yeah,

[Joe Filey]

it was worth it. It was worth it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So, Joe, let me ask you. What do you think's gonna happen this time? Fuck it.

[Joe Filey]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Joe Filey]

Yeah, I. I've been running, like. I've been running a couple of shows and doing some side hustles, running out paddle boards and shit. So it's like. Yeah, Austin's an active place. You gotta make the money where you can so you don't have to do a 9 to 5 and do come. Comedy. That's what we're. That's what we're shooting for.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And one of those packages get here overnight. The managers are all up when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

[Joe Filey]

Listen, someone got to get it there. All right? Gel Blasters don't deliver themselves. All right, all right. Wait, are we still sponsored?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right. Are we still sponsored by Gel Blaster? Are we. He's still sponsored by.

[Joe Filey]

Listen, this is our second date. Next time I get first base at least, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, Joe. My God, this is incredible. You are by far one of the scariest human beings that's ever been. Okay, I'll show.

[Joe Filey]

That's better than last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What happened last time?

[Joe Filey]

I look like a caveman who does science and rapes people. So at least this time I'm just a rapist. We're eliminating some of their subtitles. It's a.

[Sam J.]

All right.

[Joe Filey]

D. Madness. Those are my captions on the bottom of the screen when we watch the video.

[Sam J.]

God damn.

[Joe Filey]

Even he didn't see that punchline coming.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Joe, you are wild, dude. Are you on a little bit of Aderall perhaps right now?

[Sam J.]

No.

[Joe Filey]

Honestly, no. I'm like, no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What are you on right now?

[Joe Filey]

I smoked a joint and I did two shots at Poor Choices.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What were the shot? Tequila. Yeah, I could tell that's an upper. And the weed was a sativa.

[Joe Filey]

Sixth Street.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's. That's where you are? Yes.

[Kane]

Wow.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, just an inconceivable situation wherein you are uninterviewable.

[Joe Filey]

That's better than some of the people I heard on here, so I'll take it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I. Right.

[Joe Filey]

I do some hobbies I heard the last guy had hobbies. You know, I mean, I go fishing. I'm not just throwing people.

[Sam J.]

We don't want to know.

[Joe Filey]

She said, oh, hell no.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, Joe, I'm just going to get you out of here. There goes Joe. You got a little joke book last time.

[Joe Filey]

I got a big joke book last time.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You did. Yeah, well, you fill it up with jokes, Joe.

[Joe Filey]

Thank you, boss man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There he goes. Joe, finally, everybody. There you go, everybody. You can recognize him from future trials of some kind. You saw him here first. We're gonna do something fun right now. This guy, not a regular, not a golden ticket winner. He's different. He's a special little Austin freak. Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, the long awaited return of Uncle Laser.

[Uncle Laser]

Statistical Glee. We've all to some degree been sexually assaulted with a stranger during Netflix and Chill. You're one of the few. Yeah, I mean, sometimes the guy from Christian Mingle that you met ain't so chill, you know, and starts off as a butt massage. And ends, you know, with a guy, you swipe right on fucking cherry picking them little toilet balls out the rim of your butthole. Oh, yeah, I had Covid. I lost my sensitization smell. You can still get strep throat, you fucking idiot. But I smoked crack with a woman the other day during Netflix and Chill.

[Fuzzy]

I said,

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

call me old fashioned, but

[Uncle Laser]

I don't think Netflix and Chill is a crack activity, darling. I'm trying to watch the Houses of Dragons, not chase a fucking dragon. My name's Uncle Azar. Y' all been great.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, House of Dragons is not on Netflix, but we'll. We'll accept it. Anyway, welcome back.

[Uncle Laser]

We're gonna start off well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean,

[Uncle Laser]

wow, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I mean, I'm a fan of both Netflix and House of Dragons, so I just wanna get that out there. Big fan of Netflix. I just love them.

[Uncle Laser]

Statistically, we both are, you know, Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Why do you keep doing that licky thing with your face? You're extra lizardy tonight. What's happening? Whoa. There's the sound of lasers.

[Uncle Laser]

Not feeling well.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's going on with. With you?

[Uncle Laser]

I gotta apologize, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay.

[Uncle Laser]

It's a red band.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, what happened?

[Uncle Laser]

Oh, we went out to the Master Square Garden and, oh, I threw up everywhere in Red Band's bathroom and I blamed it on some girl that was in the green room. And I'm gonna be honest with you. They're like. I was like, if I tell them it was me, they're going to think I'm on drugs again, you know?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And so which you are. You have been the entire time. I've known this the entire time.

[Uncle Laser]

No, but I went in there cuz I was actually poisoned by Aaron Rogers. And that's cuz he was back there. And I saw them drinking that Bud Light and I'm like, hey, y' all gotta drink that gay beer cuz NFL watching y'.

[Mackenzie Jewel]

All.

[Uncle Laser]

Or you want to come back and go and gin pop and get tequila with me, you know. And I try to be Billy Badass come cause he was dipping those little lucy's and they're 12 milligrams. And usually I dip Zen and only three milligrams. Well, I put three of them in the top of my lip, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Tried to hang out with Aaron Rodgers,

[Uncle Laser]

trying to be cool. They're telling war stories about, you know, fucking avoiding a sack from Miles Garrett. And I'm fucking women that look like defensive line men, you know what I'm saying? And yeah, I was trying to be one of the boys, you know, and I fucking had to verse off and threw up everywhere in his bathroom. And Red Band got off stage at that moment in time, started banging on the doors. I'm telling Tony you're back here. And I go. And I just took off running. So I'm sorry, it was me. And I got a gift for him.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I will tell you this. Let the record show that I never forget anything. And oh, two packs of parliament's amazing. You invested $12. So forgive the segment of this show amazing. But I will tell you this, that there was indeed a moment of the second night of Madison Square Garden. There we are. I mean I am just in the zone going down the plans that I had just executing moment after moment of what many people that were there in attendance said the biggest two night event in comedy they've ever seen before. And halfway through the second night, indeed, I look over at Red Band and he's. He does this thing where he huffs and puffs a lot sometimes just. And I go, what the. I go off mic, but I'm going to do it with a mic this time. But normally I go like this. But I was like. So I go, what the is wrong with you right now? And he literally goes, uncle Laser threw up all over my bathroom.

[Cam Patterson]

And I'm like.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

And I'm like, red Band, we are alive at Madison Square Garden right now. Let's talk about it later. A convers. If you ever wonder what conversations we're having off mic. They're all 100. It's never anything. We're like, oh, thank you. I needed that information, Red. What's interesting helps the flow of the show. What's interesting is that he didn't just puke in the toilet like a. Like a 12 year old. He puked all around the toilet. So I had to like piss like an arch just to go to pee. I understand. I understand what happened there because Laser thinks he's a man. So what happened was he's like, I ain't going to throw up. I just ain't feeling so good. Right. You're trying to lie to yourself. So you didn't puke in the toilet because you didn't think you were good. You were trying to fight the puke. Explain to us how you puke all over a bathroom as a grown man. Even the last rapist guy would make it in the toilet. Deep madness could totally get it all into the toilet. No, it's you. You fighting with your. I'm a man. I ain't gonna throw up. I could do what Aaron Rodgers does, even though I'm the same height as Mitchell MacArthur. I swear to God, I'm five, seven and a half and three quarters. Get out the measuring tape, Tony. Measure it from the top of my mullet.

[Uncle Laser]

Like I said, I was poisoned and you were.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were not. Rogers, you were not poisoned by.

[Uncle Laser]

Poisoned by.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, you wish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I just bring up one thing Laser said early in his set? He said the word statistically. And in all fairness to the black comics we've had on tonight, don't make. I would like to wager. $5.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That laser cannot spell statistically.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Would you like us to use it in a sentence? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special segment we call white trash spelling. Unbelievable. It is indeed. Statistically, it is an adverb.

[Fuzzy]

According.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

According to or by means of statistics, all observation data were statistically analyzed. Ladies and gentlemen, from the Oxford Language Diction Dictionary, this is Uncle Laser with the word statistically.

[Uncle Laser]

Origin is Greek or Roman. Hey, they're the same place. Don't worry about it.

[Jake Hayes]

Tony.

[Uncle Laser]

Listen, statistically S T a T, I

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

S C A L. L. That is incorrect, ladies and gentlemen. That is white trash spelling bee.

[Uncle Laser]

The two L's are silent.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, it was a. It was. It was a. It was a very obvious, obvious T that you missed there.

[Uncle Laser]

Was it a T? I don't dot him or cross them, you know, Statistic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah. You really miss a very. Again, a very odd letter to miss. A lot of comedians are just dumb as, huh? It's just unbelievable.

[Uncle Laser]

Top to bottom, left to Right.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, there you go. You know your directions, very good. Amazing stuff. Uncle Laser, what else is going on? On in life?

[Pauly Shore]

Yeah.

[Uncle Laser]

You know, trying not to die face down In a Motel 6 in Nebraska, you know, with Tom B.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have been on the road a lot. You have been doing that. You lie continuously to me in order to get back on the show. Continuously, Continuously, says Tony. I haven't been doing any drugs or anything. I mean, I just.

[Uncle Laser]

No, I actually haven't been doing cocaine. The Fen all. It's been scaring the up. I haven't done cocaine, like six months dead ass. Not. Not kidding.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What about ketamine? I don't.

[Uncle Laser]

I'm never really that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What you would.

[Uncle Laser]

I mean, no, like, honestly, like ketamines. You ever want to just be in Lego land, take ketamine? I mean, it's stupid. It's. The hay is for horses and so is ketamine. You know what I'm saying? So I never really got into it.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How about any method? Like drugs?

[Uncle Laser]

Define that. Like chicken, speed?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Any. Any. Anything at all. Adderall?

[Uncle Laser]

Not Adderall, but they get that to kids.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. How much do you take the kids dosage?

[Uncle Laser]

You know, basketball team's worth. Yeah.

[Kane]

Kids don't snort it.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, no. Well, there's no point. It just tastes like skittle. When you say.

[Fuzzy]

Noted.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're teaching a lot of people different things right now that they don't know. This is still a part of white trash spelling bee. It's the part where we don't spell anything. It's the more white trash part of the. The be. And what other drugs have you been doing, Uncle Laser? Let's talk about it.

[Uncle Laser]

Stem cells.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, wow. You've heard y. Amazing. How about anything else in life? What else is going on? Anything. Anything else?

[Uncle Laser]

Trying to put my mom in retirement home.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, how's that going?

[Uncle Laser]

Terrible.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, Talk about it. She on Adderall too?

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah, that's why I'm trying to put her in the home. Dude, she keeps stealing out my pill.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

All right, ladies and gentlemen. You know him? There he is, Uncle Laser. He's on tour. He's on the road. Who did? Okay, has a girl signed up inside. Did a girl sign up? You have a minute Ready? All right, come on up here, lady. Get your ass up here. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? I promise you there's a couple more fun segments left and then we'll get out of here. But little conundrum, Ladies and gentlemen. Here she is, everybody, from the inside. Hello. Start with your name.

[Alicia]

What was that question?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It wasn't. Start with your name.

[Alicia]

I'm Alicia. Hello.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for Alicia. Everybody in the comment. The clock starts now. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Alicia.

[Alicia]

So anyone been to an H E B recently? Can I get some hands? Anyone dance their way into a hate crime at an heb?

[Sam J.]

Oh, just me. Great.

[Alicia]

Awesome. That's fantastic.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So

[Alicia]

this is a funny story, and it's not super funny because I'm an awkward ass human being. So I'm at an heb. They play bangers. Can I get a hello? They do, like. They play bangers when they play the music on top. So I'm in. So I'm in the street playing, dancing, whatever, and I'm like, oh, my God, there's an HEB person in front of me. And we're playing and we're dancing and we're feeling the music. Except she wasn't dancing. They had palsy. And so I'm mimicking this person who has palsy in front of me, and they see me and just. Exactly. Just dead inside. Except for I was like, oh, great, I get to leave now, and no one's gonna know who I am, except for I'm a basic white bitch and I have my name.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

There you go. Very good, Alicia. Amazing. So what ended up happening?

[Alicia]

I had my name monogrammed across my shirt and a personalized license plate, and so everyone knew who I was as I left, and I could never go back to that HB and I.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You were banned from an hb?

[Alicia]

Yes, I was, yes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. And by the looks of things, you love hb.

[Alicia]

I do, yes. Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work?

[Alicia]

I'm in sales.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Did that affect your job at all? Did you go viral?

[Alicia]

No, because I sell across Canada and the world, so no one knew about my life except for.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You live in Canada?

[Alicia]

No, I live here. Except for the fact that my husband stayed married to me is amazing.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Okay, here's a little joke book.

[Sam J.]

Thank you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. There you go. You catch like a Canadian. Might not be one.

[Alicia]

I wish I was Canadian so I could just.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We wish you were Canadian too, so that we would never see you again. There she goes. Alicia, everybody. And we're keeping it moving along. The bucket pool that I was waiting for is here. Put the mic back in the mic stand, Alicia. Nope. That where you got it? There you go. Good stuff. Yep. There she goes. Alicia. Isn't Heidi just extra hot after? Alicia was just up here. It's like a God hotter than ever. It's amazing. Okay, Your final bucket poll of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, Angel McGuez, everybody. Angel Miguez. We finally got it. Angel Meguez. Here's Angel.

[Uncle Laser]

Hello.

[Angel Miguez]

What's up, Austin? You guys have been amazing to me. I've been here a week, and I've been. I've had a lot of time to, you know, to look up a lot of conspiracy theories because I'm an open micr. You know, I've been looking up at what happened to the weather in Texas. Why is it so hot, right? And it turns out that the Jews are owed some money. I don't really understand why, but. Or what it is is that the debt is due, you know, but we need to make sure that we pay that. And I got $5 that I could contribute. But until then, you know, we gotta. We gotta make some kind of list and see what we got going on, you know, because I like to skateboard. My wheels are melting. It feels like I'm running a skateboard with flat tires. But, yeah, I'm trying to make sure that we. We make some kind of list. We get the. Dude, dude.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

We.

[Angel Miguez]

We got some night temperatures for the day, right? Because I'm coming from California, where it's 80 degrees in the day, and over here it's 80 degrees at night. What the Is going on? But. All right. Thank you, guys. That's all I got.

[Sam J.]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Red Band's job is so easy. Angel Meguez. Amazing. Why do you look like you surfed across the board border? Welcome, Angel. How long you been doing stand up?

[Angel Miguez]

My first time. Was it episode 255? I can't remember what year that is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Was it what?

[Angel Miguez]

My first time was on episode 255 with Duncan Trusso and David Arquette on this. On this show.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

First time ever on stage at the Comedy Store.

[Angel Miguez]

At the Comedy Store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Amazing. Was that in the belly room or the main room?

[Angel Miguez]

The main room. Okay, people, I choked.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, you did. I never could have guessed that that would have happened four years ago.

[Angel Miguez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You obviously haven't grown much since then.

[Angel Miguez]

No, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you do for work, Angel?

[Angel Miguez]

I'm not working right now. I just got here a week ago.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You just moved here?

[Angel Miguez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What made you want to move here?

[Red Band]

You.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Really?

[Angel Miguez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Amazing. Unbelievable. I've been touched by an Angel Miguez.

[Angel Miguez]

Yes, sir.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Angel, what do you plan on doing for work? What are your capabilities?

[Angel Miguez]

Looking for you, man.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you. What can you possibly do for me? I already have a gardener.

[Angel Miguez]

I'm pretty sure you got cameraman all over the place, you know, I have a drone, you know, but, you know, I could get you coffee or whatever, you know, but whatever it takes.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know, it's funny you mentioned that. I actually do need a new person to get me coffee, you know.

[Sam J.]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No. My team is saying no. You've been turned down by Yoni and Christie's immediate rejection. Normally, they have a very open mind. Double thumbs down from Yoni, One of the nicest people in showbiz. But according to you, he controls the weather, so you know what I mean. You may have up with your opening joke. There, there. Angel. Might want to be a little bit nicer to the Jews if you want to work in showbiz. Oh, look who's back, everyone. Wow. Back in the. The old. Wow. Very agile for someone absolutely immobile. So, angel, you just moved here. You're here because of me. You want to work for me. Other than a drone, what else can you possibly do?

[Angel Miguez]

Work a force. Forklift.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can work a forklift?

[Jake Hayes]

Wow.

[Cam Patterson]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You can feed red band. That's amazing. That's incredible. There you go. Wow. The alarm. The backup alarm button for the forklift. Sam J. What do you think about this?

[Sam J.]

I think it's up the red band got to play his own bad sounds. That's crazy, brother. We got to get. Get you free, man. I didn't like that. I didn't like that. That did not make me feel good.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

That's him. He's a little piggy. He plays along. He knows. He knows the way. So, angel, how'd you get here? Did you drive here?

[Angel Miguez]

I flew, and then I bought a car, like, two days in. And then I just been living there.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I flew and I bought a car. Do you know how to play the horns? Perhaps? Angel, I think I could think you could fit in very well over there,

[Angel Miguez]

but I. I signed a lease two days ago. So I'm here for a long time, I guess.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, my. How long was the lease?

[Angel Miguez]

It's a year. But, I mean, I'll see how long I last out here.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You're here until Greg Abbott hears your accent. Then you're gonna be in Vermont.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It is a thick accent. How many brothers and sisters do you

[Angel Miguez]

have from one side?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Hey. Oh, you got Michael Gonzalez excited. Just give us a ballpark here. And by ballpark, I mean where you guys picnic every weekend.

[Angel Miguez]

Seven. Not like nine. Nine. Nine.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Nine. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely unbelievable. Nine brothers and sisters in Los Angeles. Okay.

[Angel Miguez]

Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Absolutely. Angel. Well, amazing.

[Angel Miguez]

Thank you for having me, guys.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You have any hobbies or special skills? Or talents that would surprise us.

[Angel Miguez]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow. Very fast answer there. Incredible. You have nothing at all. You do nothing.

[Angel Miguez]

I like. I like taking pictures of cars and I like driving them too. And I probably. I probably. I probably drove around your house in Hollywood whenever you were living there super fast.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Wow.

[Sam J.]

Yo, this. This show got a real subreddit. No,

[Angel Miguez]

No, I like doing canyon runs. My bad.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I like.

[Angel Miguez]

I like driving.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I have a. My bad. I love you, Sam J. It is amazing. You are just a sweet thing. God damn, Angel. You've never gotten a joke book before. I'm. You know, what I'm going to do. Even though you're set with was just as mediocre as it gets, and your interview was just bland. For a guy that's had years to prepare for this, I'm going to give you a slightly larger than tiny joke book because you just moved here and I think you could fill it up and I think that sign up again and people are going to be even more interested in you now that we know your story and you have no job. You're the literally only Mexican we've ever had here that doesn't have a job. It's incredible. Absolutely unbelievable. But we want to get an update. Let's see another minute and let's get an update soon. Ladies and gentlemen, Angel Miguez, all the way from episode 255. My goodness. How many years ago was that? That's five years. It's about six years ago, by my math. Ladies and gentlemen. You guys want a fucking special treat? Ladies and gentlemen, here to join us, I present to you a legend of the show. And without him, without his mother, the show does not exist. I present to you, Kill Tony Icon. Pauly Shore.

[Pauly Shore]

Lazer just killed himself in the back. So. So you guys will never have to see his fucking ass again. I'm just saying. And I've taken over for Laser. Now it's the Weeze fucking time, bro. What the fuck do you think, bro? Yes. Thank you guys for coming. Give it up for Kill Tony and the fucking Shazam Crew. Fucking Shazam. So you ready for my fucking rim shots this time? Mike, wake the fuck up and stop texting when I'm on fucking stage, you cocksucker. I'm in front of 20,000 people kind of eating shit at Madison Square Garden. I do a rim shot joke and he's fucking. I'm going like, I need help. And he fucking doesn't do shit anyways. I've been matching with a lot of black chicks on Bumble lately. If you Guys know the dating app Bumble. It's where women choose you. And lately a lot of black chick, they've been fucking choosing me. I had no fucking idea. My whole life I've been picking up on the wrong chick. My whole life I've been pick. My whole life I've been picking up on the cracker ass, crack ass hoes. And I left these fine ass Shaniquas on the motherfucking table. Ain't that a motherfucking bitch? I was dating a girl recently and she did break up with me for a black guy I saw. Said, why'd you do that? And she said to me, I just like black dick.

[Angel Miguez]

So

[Pauly Shore]

what I did is I spray painted my dick back and we got. Fuck, I fucked that up.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So

[Pauly Shore]

give me the cat. Meow. Bro, what the fuck?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I already did. Too many laughs.

[Pauly Shore]

Oh, sorry.

[Kane]

All right.

[Pauly Shore]

Thank you. Sorry.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You're doing good, Paul. Paulie, you're doing good. All right. Anyways, Paulie Shore, everybody. Paulie.

[Pauly Shore]

What's up, dudes?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

So much fun. So wild. You did it again, Sam J. Did you match with them on Bumble?

[Sam J.]

My name is Samaria. It's not damn Shaniqua, but no.

[Pauly Shore]

Can I give you a hug?

[Sam J.]

Of course, Polly, you know I love you.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Here.

[Pauly Shore]

Can I take your hat off or.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, no. Stop taking people's hats off, Paulie. You want somebody to take off what you're wearing on your head, Whatever the that is.

[Pauly Shore]

It's funny. Someone did ask me if I had a Bosley hair weave.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

How fucked up is that?

[Pauly Shore]

If I got a Bosley hair weave, I would fucking tell people I fucking got it. And I fucking hide that shit in the woods and come back a week later and say, check it out, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

The weasel. Zweezle weasel, bro. It's a weasel. Swift.

[Sam J.]

But black women do love Poly Shore.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's that?

[Sam J.]

Black women do love Pauly Shore. That is a true.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What do you think it is about Paulie? The.

[Sam J.]

We grew up on him and like Class act, which is a. It's a very popular black movie and he was in it and we were like, we like that. We like that combo. And then, you know what I mean? You were kind of like flavorful enough, but like weird enough. And I think we all went through a phase where we like dirty skater looking boys and you were like a dirty skater looking boy. But it wasn't like lame. So it was like, yeah, that's a white dick. I could see happening. Possibly.

[Jake Hayes]

Possibly.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Respect. Still trying to get Michael Gonzalez out of his funk. There you go. Okay.

[Pauly Shore]

Come on, baby.

[Alicia]

Come on.

[Pauly Shore]

This is Elvis Presley. Come on, dude. I'm so proud of this team. Give it up for Tony and his team, dude. For real respect. Thank you. And Yoni, you're. If there. There was no be Kill Tony. No, there'd be no kill Tony if there's no Yoni, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's true. Yoni is the secret sauce. There's no doubt about it. Fought for a great many, many improvements and striving moments here. Paulie, you did great at Madison Square Garden. How's everything else going? How's la? What's going on?

[Pauly Shore]

You mean my brother are closer than ever now?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, yeah.

[Pauly Shore]

Quiet. Silence. I like that.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, they don't. I don't think everybody knows the whole story.

[Pauly Shore]

You were supposed to do a documentary on it, but remember about six months ago? Yo, six months ago, I'm with Tony at the Mitzi's bar. My mom's name. Get up to my mom's. Mitzi's bar downstairs.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah. In honor of the.

[Pauly Shore]

Says to me, we're gonna do a documentary on Peter and Paulie.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah, right.

[Pauly Shore]

And now he just said it. You just do a documentary in you. That's it. Well, no, it's your d. No, that's cool, dude. You're famous, bro.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

No, I still want to do that documentary. I wasn't gonna start that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Night. I kind of have to do some stuff that I have planned, Paulie. And then I'm going to get around to that project, which I'm still very passionate about. For those of you that don't know Paulie, of course, the son of Mitzy Shore has a brother, Peter, the son of Mitzy Shore. And these two. I mean, legends of the game. Peter runs the Comedy Store. Paulie is. Paulie has a full career. Both of them raised by the wildest comedians in the craziest situations you could have literally ever imagined. You can't even. No one would believe the childhoods that you guys had. And I still find there is no doubt. I mean, you want to talk about succession? Succession. A show. Hbo, not Netflix. That I love, that I loved. It's over now. But I mean, obviously it's kids trying to, you know, take over from what their parents built. And there was a lot of. A lot of controversy. Who's going to get the Comedy Store? How is it going to happen? What's this? What's that? Or turn here, turn there, and all the comedians know about you and your brother's battle. But if the. If other people ever found out the truth of everything. It would literally be the most unbelievable, unbelievable show of all time.

[Pauly Shore]

No one. No one knows, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

But I think maybe one day they will because of me.

[Pauly Shore]

Hopefully.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Maybe. Yeah.

[Pauly Shore]

You guys heard it right here, right?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Pauly Shore]

Because the Comedy Store.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

I just have to stop filling arenas first, and then. And then I'll get around to your story, Paulie.

[Uncle Laser]

Yeah.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Just have to.

[Pauly Shore]

As long as you're going to commit to doing it. It at some point, then, you know, that's cool.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Right? Totally committed. I absolutely find it to be one of the most unbelievable stories.

[Pauly Shore]

And then for me, I would really like to do the. And I'm going to do the Richard Simmons biopic. So that's happening. Rip. Rip. You know, his family didn't want. His family said no. And Richard said no. I said, well, who do you want to play you? He said. He said, fucking Tom Cruise, bro. I swear with a straight face, I'm like, dude, I'm fucking you. You like I look like you? I don't have to act. Check this out.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Come on, ladies. Let's go, girls. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah. Look, you and Michael are back connected fully right now. It's an unbelievable rocket man. Two, three.

[Pauly Shore]

She packed my bags last night pre flight.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Yeah.

[Pauly Shore]

Zero hours, 9:00am Mars ain't the kind of place. Okay, okay, cut, cut.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Paulie, that was good. How about Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen? You don't know Rocketman? I'll tell you this, Sam J. J somehow doesn't know Rocket man, but I must say we were absolutely, ridiculously jamming to some white people 90s music last night on the boat.

[Sam J.]

I love 90s alternative.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You know some crazy white people music I like. You actually talk to me a couple. I'm like, wait, What?

[Sam J.]

I'm into 90s alternative. I'm big into 90s alternative, but I don't know that one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

What's your favorite 90s white people music?

[Sam J.]

Like Foo Fighters, maybe?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

You guys know any food fighters? We're gonna have to just dim it for the YouTube or something or cut it or something.

[Sam J.]

Oh, that's what my. That's my favorite one.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Make some noise for the Kill Tony band. Sam J. And Paulie Shore, ladies and gentlemen. You guys want one last special treat? As I mentioned earlier, the great William Montgomery couldn't make it, but I have a little something that I think you guys are going to love here to bring it home with the final minute of standup comedy. Tonight, I present to you one of the all time very fast Kill Tony legends growing and excelling in Front of our very eyes. Two nights at msg. He is without a doubt on his way to American citizenship. I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty. Yo, yo. No bigger culture shock for me than the fucking American homeless. Cause you have these erratic, fucking hard to read motherfuckers out there. There's a guy outside of my apartment, I see him every couple of days, always shirtless, holding a pipe, just going off, just. And what annoys me is how nonchalantly everyone else around me acts like all my neighbors are like, that's Mike. And I'm the only one who's like, uh, shoot Mike. All these guns for what? Shoot my kiddo. But his name is literally Mike. Like, my neighbors know the guy. And that's what you have here. You know, you're homeless. You, like, grow up with them. Because Estonia, where I'm from, we also have homeless people. But what we also have is a rough window winter. So it's not the same guy.

[Red Band]

Every year we get a new batch,

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

like butterflies. But here you just see Mike every year getting stronger. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you. Two minutes of thunder and lightning from the freak of Estonia. Ari Matty. I mean, my goodness, what a way to put a ribbon on it. You are fantastic. Thank you. Unbelievable. Delivery, execution, everything. The writing. You know, a lot of people that are as funny with delivery and moving as you, don't they? They automatically settle for the writing of that they can get away with. Yeah, they get their laughs from their voice, from their delivery, from all the thing. Other things that you also have going. Your writing is incredible. Your perspective, making it about Estonia, the rough winter, unfucking believable. You work very hard at this and it shows. You're a natural, absolute freak. Where are we at with your citizenship?

[Red Band]

Thank you so much. I mean, it's going as well as

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

you can, you know, I mean, I've been on Joe Rogan, I'm on here. So I guess I need to be president to get this fucking paper, huh? Well, me running if it's almost a win win for you at this point, no matter who ends up being president, because one of them lets everybody become a citizen and the other one, It appears as though I've short circuited. But I guess you guys are going to find out more soon about the other one. Fantastic stuff. Oh, thanks, Tony. And everybody, all the Kill Tony fans, super nice. I walk around.

[Goliath]

Everybody else is.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Let's check in with the great Greg Fitzsimmons. This is your first time seeing AR Maddy, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I've seen him online and I've always been very impressed.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Oh, thanks, Greg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Really, really strong.

[Uncle Laser]

And.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And although out of fairness to the black comics and the redneck comics, you used the word nonchalantly about halfway through your set. And I would like to challenge you on the whoa. Ladies and gentlemen, from the nations fallen from the Soviet bloc in the 1980s category.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Ladies and gentlemen, I. This is the first time that I actually think that the speller might get this right. Nonchalantly. This is the first ever and perhaps the last ever Estonian spelling bee, ladies and gentlemen. Nonchalantly is an adverb. In a casually calm and relaxed manner, she nonchalantly walked out of the park police station. Nonchalantly. N, O, N. Then the minus mark that is C, H, A L. Yes, you are correct. I should have your passport. Back to l. Yeah. A, n, t, l, y. You got it. A.r. maddie. Usa. Usa. Usa. Usa. Usa. And we did it again. Sam j's in sacramento, new york city at the gramercy theater. Samjcomedy.com fitzdog.com he's going to tulsa, san francisco. His new special, you know me is a great fitzsimmons comedy on YouTube. Those tickets [e-mail] thank you to simply safe talks, space and expressvpn. One more time for our guest tonight, sam j. Greg fitzsimmons. The drawing is in from ryan j. E belt, who draws every episode of greg and sam. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Let's see what chris rogers drew up tonight in the corner there. Yeah, it's.

[Cam Patterson]

It's.

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

It's ari, matty and hans kim's baby, everybody.

[Cam Patterson]

I don't know what the I don't

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

know what the that is. What the is that supposed to be?

[Sam J.]

Chris?

[Tony Hinchcliffe]

Is that Ari? Check out the sunsetstripatx.com secret show every Thursday. Chris Rogers art on Instagram. Chris. I love it. I love it. Did you guys have a great night tonight? We love you. Thank you. God bless America and God bless Texas. Good night, everybody.

[Sam J.]

The Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

[Red Band]

Sam.