Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:02]
Tony Hinchcliffe
Talk to your specialist about Botox cosmetic on a Botulinum Toxine because Botox Cosmetic Day is back on November 20th. For one day only. Buy one $50 gift card. Get one free while supplies last. It gets better because it's not just one day of celebration, but the whole month of November. Refer a friend to Ali and you'll both get $50 off a Botox cosmetic treatment. Plus, if you register and get treated during November 1st to 30th, you have the chance to win $10,000. For prescribing information and box warning, visit Botoxcosmetic.com or call 877-351-0300. No purchase necessary for sweepstakes entry. Treatment must occur by 12. 6. For full official rules, offer terms and conditions and to join Ali, visit botoxcosmeticday.com My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career Day and said he was a big roas man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friends still laugh at me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn you'll be able to reach people who do. Get a hundred dollar credit on your next ad campaign. Go to LinkedIn.com campaign to claim your credit. That's LinkedIn.com campaign. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn the place to be to be hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found@Deathsquad TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates at Tony Hinchcliffe. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad TV. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band coming live from Madison Square Garden here in New York City for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchclass. I've said it many times before, but tonight I mean it. Who's ready for the best night of their lives? And here we. Here we go. What the fuck is up Madison Square Garden? Make some noise for my partner in crime, Brian Red Band. How about one more time for the motherfucking Black Keys. And of course the best damn band in the land. We got Burrow Horns, Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson, Michael Gonzalez, Marcus King, John Dees and the Great D Madness on the bass guitar. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Mewling. I didn't say it. I think I said it. Okay. Matt Mewling. Triple shout out. Matt Mewling. How about one more time for D Madness? Let him hear you, everybody. And the man that puts it all together. One more time for John Dee's people unfucking. This has been the most magical weekend of our entire lives. And we're going to put a big ribbon on it tonight. I promise you from the bottom of my cold black heart. This was the first show that sold out. We were shocked watching it go in a few hours. You guys are truly the best comedy fans in the world. And I have this thing stocked bonkers for you here tonight. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Ladies and gentlemen, I get to introduce your guest for the night. A New York fucking icon. Truly one of the best comedians of all time. One of our favorite guests of all time, the king of New York City. Make some noise for the great and powerful Dave Vettel. Oh, my God, here we go. The man, the myth, the New York fucking legend. Every night. Jenny, Tony, you sit. Make it louder. Can you hear me? Louder on two. Hello? Okay, good. I guess you got that. You got the same sound guy from the debates. I gotta say one thing about my man Tony here. He said he was going to play the Garden. I said never. Not only has he played it, he's played it twice. Totally sold out. You made that happen, Tony. I owe you a blowjob. Yeah, I love it. What a fucking honor to have you here, Dave. I'm so pumped to have you. And you know what? Why don't we add one more person to this panel? Even though we could do it with Dave very easily. I'd like to introduce a man who made his Kill Tony debut only this year. He's only been on the panel one time before, you know, I mean, what can I say about him? He's got a lot of free time on his hands. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. This is pretty crazy, but this is Madison Square Garden, so I'm going to do it anyway. I would like to introduce to you the current president of the United States of America. This is Joe Biden. Joe, over here. You're sitting with us tonight. He's a little confused. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, he's back. Joe Biden. Oh, baby. America, how we feeling? America. America. Usa. Usa. Usa. He's back. Let's get a beer. I might have stepped down, Tony, but I'm stepping up to the streets like Jackie Chan. Immortal combat. Come on. I'm sitting up here at a legend right now. I got Dave Attell, I got Dave Chappelle, I got. I got David Dell. Hello? Is it me? Come on. Got Kim Cattrall up here, Sex in the City, a couple of gals getting some drinks, getting our kinks looking for twinks. You know what it is? We're going to Jumanji tonight. We'll go up, down, ab, left, right, select, start. Ba, da, ba, ba, ba. You're loving it. Come on. You know what it is. Get two birds with one stone. Kill two girls with one cub. We're living la vida loca. Still got it. Joe Biden is here, ladies and gentlemen. Awesome dav. What do you think about sitting next to the president? I think the press can go all night. His diaper's half empty, not half full. I like this guy. Aren't you the garbage man from Sesame Street? Four more days. Say that to my face. Whoa, Joe, how you been spending your free time? Her. What you been doing with all the extra time on your hands? I went down. Hey, here's the deal. I went to Little Caesars last night. Oh, that's some crazy bread. Nothing crazy about it, Tony. Regular bread. I saw David Lucas here. That's all that story is. He was getting a pizza. He's a fat guy. Come on. No, I've been taking it easy. I've been trying to fill up my day with hobbies and Sudoku. I'm trying to make sure everybody knows what I'm doing right now. But guess what, Tony? Even though I'm not going to be president anymore, I'm still going. I'm going to do it. I still feel like I got it in me to go. Four more years. I feel like it's. I feel like just because I stepped down. Oh, suck my dick. Oh, suck my dick and lick my dick. You're a sucker. You're a sucker. You're a sucker. I'm gonna tell you this much, Tony. I got a lot. You shut the fuck up, you couch papa. I'm telling you this much. I feel good. I went to Curves last night. I did two sit ups. I got a membership to 38 Hour Fitness. Come on. All right. I hugged two gay guys last night. We're doing it. I feel like a black guy in the Olympics. I'm going to do it for my country. I got four more years in me. Here we go. Say it with me. Four more years. Four more years. Four more Years. Four more years. Come on. Four more years. Hit me. Four more. You hear me, Michael? Come on. Four more years. Four more years. Eight more beers. Five more deers. You know what it is? Come on, we can do it. We can do it if we want to. Maybe if you try a little harder, maybe you'll be able to convince God. You know what it is? Say it with me. 20 more years. 80 more years. Come on. 80 more years. 15 more years. I got one Mexican girl standing up doing it. Why can't the rest of you do it now? She's on a pogo stick. Look at those titties bounce. Come on. Come on. Do it for her titties. Come on. Eight more tits. Eight more tits. Bring them up. Ten more years. The Is that all about W? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, he's back. Donald fucking Trump is here. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, they're back. Donald Trump. You can cut the music. Hell yeah. It's amazing. Wow. Welcome back, Mr. President. Tony. It's so good to be here. Back in. Back here in New York City. What a city. What a beautiful city. What an absolute disaster this city has become. White homeless. Do you believe it? White homeless. When I lived here, there were black homeless and nobody cared. Everybody said, that's fine. Now there's a crisis because the homeless are white. Do you believe what's happening? Donald Trump is here, Joe Biden is here, and the king of New York, Dave Attell, is here. Oh, God. Tony. Who just shit my pants again. What a smackdown. Tony. This is unbelievable. And we might as well get to a comedian. As you guys know, there's a bucket here filled with over 300 comedians name. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. They have to wrap it up then. I interview them, they talk to our esteemed panel. We find out more about them. These people are performing live at Madison Square Garden, assuredly for the first time in their lives. We have a bunch of regulars, a bunch of golden ticket winners, and we've also added only in the show's history for Madison Square Garden, a special Legends bucket. There is a plethora of unbelievable comedians that are gracing us with a little bit of their ridiculously awesome material that they're way overqualified to do on a big crazy show like this. And we're honored to have them standing by ready to shock us and surprise us and grace us with their presence. Let's get the show started with a bang. We are starting the show in a very special way because we are starting with the closer. Ladies and gentlemen, to do the first set here tonight, I'd like to present to you the hall of Famer with the most appearances in the history of the show. The most interviews in the history of the show. This is the Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine, William Montgome. Delta airline says to promote gender diversity, they're going to quit using the phrase ladies and gentlemen during gate announcements. Hey, Delta, here's a suggestion. Stop worrying about my dick and start worrying about my fucking flight being five hours late. The fuck is going on, Delta? Kamala Harris might become the first Indian American president. And Elizabeth Warren is like, it could have been me. Kamala Harris is so bad at fake laughing, I thought she was at one of my shows. So take these. Broken wings. That's a pickup line I used to use on angels that had fallen from heaven. Die Hard. It's called rigor mortis. Okay, that's probably my best joke. That's my time. Thank you, William Montgomery. Getting things started tonight. Always so fun. Amazing stuff. So nice to be here, Tony. I actually ended up going to the White Castle on 103rd last night, and I ended up getting into it with three vagrants, and I literally killed three homeless people last night. And I don't give a fuck no more. I'm dying of skin cancer. But, yeah, no, I literally killed three fucking vagrants outside of White Castle last night, and then they threw me in Rikers Island. But, yeah, I was able to escape from Rikers earlier. So, so nice to be here. Thanks for getting me on the show tonight, Tony. That's why you're wearing a prison outfit? Yeah, I killed three people. It was a Puerto Rican lady, a black guy and a Chinese woman. And Mary Fuck Kill. Yeah, Mary Fuck Kill. Probably married the black person. Killed a Puerto Rican. And Mary, what was the last one? I don't know. Yeah, neither do I. Sorry. Okay. But so nice to be here, Tony. I'm sweating like a motherfucker up here, but it is so nice to be here. Trump and Biden, so nice to see y'all tonight. It's great to see you. And what a performance from this guy. We love this guy. What he said about Kamala was so true. She'd be a disastrous pig. That's what she would be. What a loser she is. She should be a bucket pool. She could come up here and we could make fun of her being a pig. William, you look like a carpenter on Epstein Island. I was never there. Pruvard. Show me your penis. Wait. And although you. What do you mean I look like a carpenter from Epstein Island? What the fuck are you talking about, Mr. President? I mean, are you fucking serious? You look like if Tom Hanks fucked the volleyball in Castaway. Okay. That was pretty good. Okay. Fuck. You've seen William before, right? Dave, I sure he sold me some fentanyl on the way in. Yes, I will be out front selling fentanyl after the show. I actually overdosed my brother last night. So my mom's flying it tonight. The whole family's getting in tonight. But, yeah, really exciting. When did she get in? Amazing. Why did you ask that, you fat piece of shit? You look as nasty as ever. I thought maybe in Madison Square Gardens you'd look a little better, but you look as nasty as ever, dumbass. So don't say anything to me, you fucking idiot. Seriously. Just want to know what time your mom gets here. No, no, no. What time your mom gets here. What now? That's how you talk to an opponent. You strike them down immediately. He tried to talk to you. You said you're a fat pig. Yeah. What a guy. This guy's great. You should be my vp. I think about it. I would love to run. Yeah, let's think about it. Have you ever fucked a couch? I actually have. I do it every week. I actually do. There's nothing wrong with that. At. But I agree. Amazing it could happen. William. William. You're amazing. What a great way to get the fucking show started. So nice to be here. Congratulations on breaking out of prison. So nice to be here. Thank you. You're a true American. We're going to get to our first bucket pull of the night. This guy was actually pulled last night. And we ran out of time, so we had to cut it short. So this guy's had fucking 22 hours to think about performing in Madison Square Garden. There's the lovely heid, signifying indeed that this is Bucket Pull number one. Your first comedian. We're gonna meet them all together. Doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Goes by the name of Michael Palumbo. Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Palumbo. And here we go. Here's Michael. Everybody make some noise for Michael. I like to beatbox. Being a beatboxer is weird. It's kind of like being a Civil War reenactor. Because your friends are Happy you have a hobby, but no one wants to see it in person. One of my friends told me, he was like, I like it when you beatbox. It cheers me up. You should do it for other people to cheer them up. I was like, I don't know if that's how it works, you know? Like, my other friend is going to be like, dude, Sarah broke up with me. I'm gonna be like, bro, that's terrible. Bearable, man. She cheated on you with three other dudes, you know? Thank you. They were all black guys. Can you imagine doctors giving terrible news like that? You know, like, Mrs. Smith, your husband has cuckoo cancer. It's terminal and we don't take insurance. All right, thank you. Michael Palumbo. That was awesome. How's it going? Thank you. Welcome to the show. Michael. How long have you been doing standout? Two years next month. Nice years. Thanks for having me. He brought it. That's for sure. What do you think? Yeah, it's amazing. You have. Thank you. You have like a weird baby head on a man's body. Appreciate that. Make a wish. Thanks. I got more to grow, you know, more growing to do. We'll see if I get there. How old are you? I'm 20. 20? Awesome. That's loud. Wow. Threw me off, dude. That's crazy. What are you doing at 20 years old? What are you doing for America at 20? What are you doing? Sucking resources. Going to school. You know, that type of thing. Going to school for what? I was going to school for neuroscience for a while, but. Are you missing a tooth? I am. I'm missing a tooth. Nothing better than a neuroscientist missing a tooth. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I went into it. I wanted to see if I could fix it. You know, it seems like you wanted to beatbox more than you wanted to do standup. It's a lot more fun with the beatboxing. It's pretty fun. Is it? Yeah. That's like getting a prostitute and she just wants to show you her art. It's like, suck my dick. Come on. Wow. It does help with the beatboxing. Like, it's, you know, creates more sounds. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Wow. I'm surprised there's not more white trash beatboxers. Amazing. What do you do for work, Michael? I go to school. I work at customer service centers and I've worked with special needs kids before. Nice. Wow. Are the special needs kids in a mirror working with special needs kids? That's what you call whacking off, isn't it? Yeah. It's helpful. It's helpful. You know, Mike. Where you from, buddy? Jersey. Right across the river. First time? First time here? No, first time being groomed. I mean, I grew up in the Catholic church, so. Ooh. Oh, my bad. Sorry. Sorry. All right, who was your favorite? I bet a priest loves fucking that little hole in your tooth, huh? There you go. Oh, no. Extra tight. Michael, congratulations. You just performed in Madison Square Garden. You got. Here's the big joke book. Thank you, Michael Palumbo. We're going to keep it moving along all the way from Jersey. And so it has begun. Yes, the rare tooth missing Jersey resident. One day he'll be a doctor. All right, we're having fun. We've had a regular up. We've had a bucket pool. Let's go to the legends bucket for the first time tonight, huh? Wow. Very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen. This guy. I mean, what can I say? He's an instant legend on this show. A frontrunner for guest of the year 2024. Ladies and gentlemen. Make some fucking noise for a Gu Hill. Tony Icon. This is the return of Harland Williams. Thank you, Tony. This is. I hope you'll indulge me for a minute. This is a very emotional, emotional night for me here tonight, gang. I think most of you know that when I was 12 years old, I murdered my parents. And what sparked it was we were out in the garage one day. I was with my mom and my dad. We were a hockey family. I caught my dad making love to my mother wearing goalie pads. And we're out in the garage, 12 years old. I said to my parents, I want to be a standup comedian. And my dad just looked at me mockingly and he said, what are you talking about, you idiot? What do you think? You're going to play a sold out Madison Square Gardens one day? That's when I took the goalie stick and beat his brains in. And we were a canoe family. My dad had a collection of canoe paddles hanging on the wall. And we had one from Cambodia, from the Nun Tuck region down by the Mugang River. And I grabbed that Korean fucking Mongolian fucking Chuck E. Cheese canoe paddle and I beat the life out of my mother. And guess what? Here I am at a sold out Madison Square Gardens. Yeah. Give a hand to the retard. Give a hand to the retard. Harlan, you're an absolute fucking monster. Front runner for guest of the year. How many of you guys think Harlan should stick around? Join the panel with us tonight, huh? Let's get a stool up Here a Mike joining this crazy panel. Truly one of the greats. One more time for Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. He's with us live in the flesh. And we keep it moving along. I present to you, bucket pool number two, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna meet them all together. This is 60 seconds uninterrupted from Ray Robinson. Here we go, Ray Robin. Ooh, big pop from the comedian section. One more time for Ray Robinson. What is up? What is up? What the heck is up, New York? Make some noise. That's a lot of fucking noise. There's so many of you. Holy shit. I don't know if this is real or I'm still blacked out on the Metro north, but I'm glad to be here. Yeah, I'm an addict. Make some noise for addiction. Yeah, we gonna get fucked up after this. Yeah, but I think the addiction getting out of hand. Like, I was driving down the Bronx the other day and I seen 11 people smoking one blunt. Do you know how insane that is for 11 motherfuckers to be on one blunt? 11 people on one blunt mean I have 11 people. Only 10 had a dollar. And the last motherfucker didn't have shit. But roll up and they still let his ass smoke. Worst part about that whole case was I got out my car, took a dollar out and started smoking with them niggas. It was 12 people on one blunt. Ain't no one got high. We barely got a centimeter. Little math crackhead joke. You guys got to pay attention. You got that bite. Thank you for your time, everybody. Yes. There it is, the kil, tony debut of Ray Robinson. Ray, welcome to the show. How are you? Grab the mic there. How long you been on standup? Eight years. Eight years, Nice. All of it here in New York. New York, Connecticut, D.C. okay. Yeah. A lot of New England. Uh huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do for a living? Unemployed. Yeah. Give me a dollar. And that is a. There is very high unemployment amongst the. The what? The toll. Go ahead, say it. The blacks. The blacks. And back to work. We're going to get them working again. Remember when they worked, sometimes they worked for. We got to work. We got them working. We got him working. You can get a job tonight. We can get you a job at Radio Shack tonight. What are you doing? Let's do it. Let's do it. I know radio's gonna have one. Can I take one home? You're already fired for stealing. I asked. All right, I'm not voting for either of you guys. Dave, you're a big supporter of the young. Let's not pretend you were gonna vote. Yeah, we all know you can't read. Damn, Biden. What the fuck? We was on this. Even that felt too harsh when it came out of my mouth. Thanks for coming out, Dave. What are you doing? Thanks for having me, I guess. Any more black jokes? Anybody else? We got a lot more right here. You don't need them. All right, we got them. So what was the other choice of outfits? That's what I want to know. Black shirt. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know you worked on a boat. I mean, really? Dude, how long you been doing? Eight years. Yeah. That's fucking awesome, dude. Thank you, though. Did you ever think you'd be playing through a crowd like this? Yeah, 100%. You did? Yeah. Whoa. A little quicker, though. But we made it. It's awesome, dude. Well, you know what? I like what you did. You came up there, you owned it. I love that. Appreciate you, dude. What do you think? Amazing. Yeah. I mean, great. You're doing it. You're fucking living the dream. Look at this, the reality right now. Holy shit. Yeah. Still unemployed. It's gonna stay that way. I got a job coming, though. Radio sh tonight. Well, in all seriousness, what are your top three skill sets? Let's figure this out. Hold on, hold on. Basketball, running and stealing. Okay, so, Lady Footlocker. Hold on. When you say you have a job at Radio Shack tonight, what are you talking about? This guy right here. You just put me on. Were you not? Oh, I got you. Yeah, no. All right, I got it. You're doing a call back. Very good. That's what they call it. Craziest thing about your life that would surprise us about you. Ah. I'm six three, six four in boots. Wow. You take great pride in your height. I do. It's on my bio on Instagram. How about the ladies? They're there, yo. Yeah, I'll be having some fun. Nice. Yeah. Any other ladies? I'm always taking takers. Come on, guys. We're only blocks away from the Red Lobster. What do you think? Red man doesn't think you're 6 3. Are you lying right now? Shoulder to shoulder. Come here. Harlan, how tall are you? I'm six seven. I'm definitely six five then. Holy shit. Stand back to back. Back to back. Yeah. How tall are you in real life, Harlan? Six two, my man. I got an inch on him. I don't know if he does. Does he fuck all Y'all get away from me. Harlan. That was grinding. Do we Have a measuring tape over there? Yoni, Anybody have a measuring tape? This guy feels real nice. It's a good back. I mean, it's in your bio. You mentioned it during your set. You mentioned it during the interview. How many of you think we should measure him right now, huh? I will have to do my driver's license after this. Pure problem, problem solver. Those shoes have a lot of lift in them too. How many of you think he should take his shoes off real quick? Kick those shoes off, Yoni. Hold on, hold on. My socks are pretty dirty. We doing this, guys? Yeah, you're doing it. You wanted to be Mr. Six Foot Three. That's your identity. We're gonna find out right now. Yoni. Measuring. I'm 100% confident you are right. Those socks are completely fucked up. Oh, there's no holes in them, though. They're not completely. They're like hat off. 6 1. Ladies and gentlemen, this does not leave the room. This does not leave the room, y'all. Wow. Let's measure that Tape measure. Let's measure that. All right. Wow. Who would have thought that a black man would have to add a couple inches? An unbelievable fib has very. Been very humbling. All right, David, tell. Did. Did we just really measure a person of color? Is that what happened here? Absolutely. Is that even legal? So the bidding will start at $28. All right, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, Ray Robinson. Congratulations, Ray. Here you go. Awesome, Greg. Keep it up, buddy. There he goes. Ray Robinson trying to keep us on schedule here tonight. We have a golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. He was born and bred on this show. Hailing from Toronto, Canada, this is without a doubt, the Madison Square garden debut and a dream come true for Aaron Belial. Hell, yeah. Originally from Toronto, Canada, Howie Mandel. Found him on kil Tony, put him on America's got talent, and he made it all the way to the finals. And now he's back here, a new American citizen, Aaron Belial. My whole life, I was a man trapped in a woman's phone. My gender reveal party, when my phone updated in 2022, was a banger. Her. I didn't used to have this sexy voice. I used to sound like a real blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The bitch still tries to interrupt me all the time while I'm on stage. Shut the up. I've always been able to go in the wrong bathroom. Nobody says anything. They just look around for my mom. I got an argument one time with someone in the lady's room about who Belonged in there. It turned out neither of us did. I was gonna join the Olympics as a woman, but there is no way I'm gonna beat all those other guys. What a close. Aaron Belial, without a doubt the first comedian without a voice to perform here at Madison Square Garden. A new American resident. How does it feel, Aaron? Oh. Oh, he's loading up something here. I gotta be honest, I thought there would be more people here. It's worth the wait. It's Phil there, and it's. This is the only time in my life I've ever felt bad for skinny white people. How is everybody doing in the back? Wow, Way to turn the less fortunate people against you. Wow. Was he doing an. I thought he was giving me direction. I really turned left. Now, Aaron, let me say this. Aaron was totally healthy in 2020, and normal guy, big guy, great guy. And this disastrous administration has crumpled him up. Now he's crumpled. A lot of people have been crumpled here. No more crumpling, please. I will take responsibility for that. We took some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ooze and we dumped it on Aaron's head when he was sleeping. Aaron, how do you feel about being here with all these greats? Can you old Shut up? Slam. Boom. I admire Trump. One day, I hope I have the chutzpah to cheat on my wife at my golf club with my floppy orange cock. Wow. Wow. Got him Crumpled and liberal. What a Canadian disaster you are. Well, let's see how tall he is. Come on. I've been practicing impressions again. And I have one more for you. This is my Kamala Harris. Okay, here's his Kamala Harris impression, ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Here it comes. Careful. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh, yeah. Aaron, we fucking love you. You're a monster. Watching your unbelievable fucking growth on this show is absolutely incredible. Oh, he's got one more thing. Okay, okay. I'll give you the thanks you deserve. Thank you, Tony. I'm a big success because of you, Tony. I would never be in a stadium without you, Tony. I wouldn't be stressing out so bad. I have hemorrhoids without you, Tony. Crazy bitches wouldn't poke holes in my condoms without you, Tony. Wow. Thank you so much. Thank you for that ringing endorsement. Aaron Belial. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. Golden ticket winner and thriving American. It's awesome. Aaron Belial, ladies and gentlemen. Aaron, take your cane. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we are indeed, as is, being signified, going to the legend. Oh, this is very, very exciting. This is. It actually happens to be this man's birthday, ladies and gentlemen. He is a true New Yorker. One of my favorite comedians in New York. A true brother of mine. Makes the noise for multiple time guests. And fantastic fucking comedian. It's his birthday. This is Joe derosa, everybody. New York, what's up? Good to see all of you. Thank you. I. I just bought a house in Pennsylvania. I've been decorating. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Boring state. All right. I've been decorating the house. I was gonna buy a fake plant. Plants are weird. Plants are the only living thing you can buy a fake version of and not look like a fucking psychopath. You know what I mean? You can't have a plastic boy in the corner of your office. What? No. Him? No, he's fake. I travel a lot. I can't have a real one. You want this legal advice or not? I'll tell you what I miss about New York. Chinatown. I miss Chinatown. Chinatown in any other city means this. It means a couple of blocks where there's some paper lanterns and you go down and you eat an egg roll and you go, that was cute. In New York, Chinatown means they have recreated actual China in a 10 square block radius. And you can go down there, but you're going to see some shit you wish you didn't. Is that guy selling blood? Oh, my God. And while we're on the subject of race. Black people. Black people. Stop explaining racism to us. We're the racists. We get how it works. You're not teaching us anything we don't know. We wrote the book on it. We wrote several, actually. Black people. Racism is our jazz. We just want you to listen to it. All right, I gotta go. Thank you. Fucking unbelievable. Joe, Tony. Happy birthday, JoJo. Make some noise for New York's own Joe DeRosa, everybody. Happy birthday, buddy. We're gonna keep flying through it. One of my favorite. Back to the actual bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, representing section C, row 18, seat 1, this is the Kill Tony debut of Brian Oyola. Brian Oyola is next live around the world on Kill Tony. Wow, msg, guys. You know, before I got into comedy, I had a little bit of a mental breakdown. You know, all I did was sleep. I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped eating. Believe it or not, you know, no one really talks about the positives of severe clinical depression. You know, I lost so much weight, my acne went away. My allergies, you know, they went away also. It's crazy. But then they put you on the meds, you gain the weight right back and then a little bit more if you can't notice. Yeah. You know you're fat when Google Maps makes Taco Bell. A shortcut on your phone. Yeah. It's right between home and work. The marvels of modern day technology. My girlfriend and I, you know, we always try and do weight competition, weight loss competitions, you know, to motivate each other. But they always turn into weight game competitions. Who can gain the least amount of weight? I'm like, guess what, babe? I won. Only gained five pounds this summer. If only nagging, burned calories. Thanks, guys. Okay. Brian Oyola, welcome to the show. Brian. Fantastic, Tony. Yeah. Now this is what's coming up through the border under this guy. And this isn't just one of them. He's a coyote. There's about three or four in there. A real pinata. He's gonna break open and a family of five is gonna come running out. He's a Mexican nesting doll. And they've got a lot of them coming right up. I hope he's Mexican and not Indian. I could be wrong. This is one thing Donald and I agree on. Show us how many kids are in your pants right now, Brian. Are you Mexican? I'm Puerto Rican and Ecuadorian. Wow. What do you think about a Puerto Rican Ecuadorian Davitel? Whoa, dude. I'm afraid to say the wrong word. He might grant a wish. What do you do? Oh, yeah, go ahead. I was going to ask, dude. So what do you do for work, dude? I test software. Primarily first responders. Wow. The 911 agencies around the nation. I love it, dude, that's great. It's a true American right there. You test them, what do you just call in. And if they come? They pass. Like what happens if I don't do my job right? People lose their lives. Okay. Wow. Appreciate you doing that, buddy. Sorry with all the back and forth with the lady there. How's it going at home? It's good. She's out here actually. You think so? You know, I actually have her inside my shirt. You want. Oh, shit. You should have said that earlier. Let me ask you this, my man. Do you and your lady do a lot of role playing? She likes to. Looks like you like to jelly role playing, Am I right? Like roll down the hill playing is what I'm talking about. What do you do for fun? You have any hobbies, Brian? Any hobbies besides comedy? I haven't. I haven't had fun in a while. I'll tell you what he doesn't do. He doesn't own an Iron, that's for sure. You're coming to Madison Square Garden. That's what you're wearing. This is a fat guy thing. If you sit down, it decreases. I can't do anything about it. This isn't family court, all right? The guy dressed up for Judge Judy. Here he is in Madison Square Garden. Red man knows what I'm talking about. Oh, that is the biggest insult I've ever heard. Land on, you know, red band. You look like King Koopa's agent. You play video games? I used to. Not anymore. What happened? What? What? What happened? I'm too busy. With what? Trying. Trying to make it. Make what? Make it in this. In this tough world. Make origami. Make what? Make way. Make pasta. Make some rice and beans, you know? Oh, my God. Okay. All right. Here you go. Your scrambled eggs are ready. That's good. That's good. Racism. We like that. You should have done that during your set. Be very racist, and these people will love you. They will reward you. Brian, anything else crazy we should know about your entire life before getting you out of here? Oh, well, when I had my mental breakdown, you know, I spent a few weeks ruined with a paranoid schizophrenic. Okay, that was pretty interesting. What was that like? Can you describe that for us? Like, what was the craziest thing that happened there? Well, the guy, he slept 23 hours a day. And he'd mumble in his sleep things like, I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna kill him. I told you not to tell anybody about that. But, you know, me and him, even though we never exchanged words, we had an unspoken understanding. Every breakfast, lunch and dinner, I'd give him my shitty hospital food. And in return, he'd tell the voices to let me live another day. Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. This is one of the most psychotic bucket pulls in the show's history. This is amazing. I love it. But you feel good now? Yeah, I'm doing great. You on. They got you on, like, medicine or something? I got off of it. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's not all good, though, right? Yeah. What. What are you doing to replace what brings you great joy? What's the food that you really scarf down to make the pain go away? I'm a big chicken parmesan guy. Oh, I had that for lunch today. Now you're talking. Absolutely. Now you talk. Well, Brian, congratulations. You just performed at Madison Square Garden. Here's a big joke. Brian, you are a true warrior brother. Keep it going. Time for another golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen. You're about to witness history as, of course, these guys. This is their first time performing at a place like this. Perhaps one of the funniest golden ticket winners in the entire history of the show. This guy always kills it. Make some noise for the MSG debut of Martin Phillips. Wow. Oh, man. Cool. Nice. Cool. Okay, I. What's up? Okay, wait, let me do that. That's the minute I went down, I went to pe and there's work dividers between the urinals. That's the words. Now the guys can see me. Look at their dick, you know, and discreet there is. They have wheelchair rugby, which is crazy because that's how they ended up in the wheelchair. I went to a funeral and the guy in Stanley were atheists, and I don't care. I just don't know what to say, you know, I was going to be like, oh, we'll see him again. Guess not. Or he's in a better place. So I just said the end. Okay, thank you. Thank. Ah. Boom. Another amazing set by Martin Phillips. I love it, Martin. How does it feel? Oh, well, I get you in saying words. I love it. Wait, we're just kind of horn, so cool. Yeah, dude. Coming all the way from Austin, right? Yeah. Yeah. Give it up for whoever sat next to him on the flight. You're very, very funny. Very funny. Jokes are tight. Punch lines are right there. You're the only guy, though, who's tougher to understand than me. But I love it. I love it. I. I got it all, though. I got it all. How. How old are you? My birthday is in a few days. I'll be. Yeah, how about that? Yeah. True American is. Yeah. 34. In a few days. 44. 34. 34. Oh, no. Yeah, 34. All right. What are you gonna do for your birthday? Well, this is good enough for me. This is well earned, Joe. I knew you'd like him since you both have the same fear. Stairs. Oh, coming up here. Oh, God. Coming down. Oh, it was tough, right? Challenging us? Coming down. Jeez. Yeah. You want to race someday? I think I could beat you. I think I could beat you. Let's do it right now. You piece. Of course you're going to beat him. Wow. Are you guys having a race? Oh, my God. Oh, they're figuring it out. That's how crazy this show is. You're about to watch the president of the United States race a man with full blown cerebral palsy. Ladies and gentlemen, this is what he paid the big bucks for. Shout out to Ticketmaster Platinum. And here we go. One Two, three, show. Wow. Martin. Martin. Make sure even though you've won the race, he'll say he won and it won't matter that you won. That happens sometimes with this. Now, me and two crumb raised. No. Can I ask you a personal question? And this might be too intimate. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Okay. What is it? Do you have a vibrator? I am a vibrator. That's what I thought. Great answer. Unbelievable. Martin. Well, maybe this guy can use it when he tries to fuck his daughter. I. I'm down. I'm down. I'm down. We're not. It was just a suggestion, Tony. Martin, you did it again. We absolutely love you. Congratulations. This is Madison Square Garden, and that is Martin Phillips. You're watching these monsters in front of your very eyes. Let's go back to the legend Vengeance Bucket, huh? Ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God. This guy actually performed last night and he absolutely fucking destroyed. Truly one of my favorite comedians in the world for a very long time. An absolute New York icon. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for Jim Norton. Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. You having a good time? Thank you, Tony, for having me back. It's been my dream to work Madison Square Garden for free twice. I was reading something that really, really annoyed me today, so I'm going to start with it. Nirvana has an album called Nevermind. I think it's their second record. On the COVID of that record is a nude infant floating in a swimming pool, reaching for a dollar. That baby is now an adult. And he sued Nirvana because he said being on that record COVID ruined his life. And I'm obsessed with asking him. Who recognizes how humiliating for an adult male to step out of the shower and have a woman go, oh, my God, you have not changed? And according to his lawsuit, he sued, like, for emotional distress. He said Nirvana promised that when the record came out, they would put a black sticker across the penis to conceal. And they neglected to do that. So I was talking to somebody and I said, I'm glad Nirvana didn't put a black sticker across the penis. And the guy I was talking to said, why? And I had nothing. You ever take a stand for no reason whatsoever? I just like arguing now. I'm dug into this position. I'm trying to have a fun back and forth now. I'm aggressively advocating for more visible baby dicks. And I don't have children. I'm married. I only got married because my wife tricked me and she told me she was pregnant, obviously. I offered to treat her to a procedure. I'm like, come on, we'll get there early, we'll get ice cream. It'll be great. But she got very angry for me suggesting an abortion. She told me I had an abortion in college, which I did not know, truly. I thought she dropped out of high school. So we get married. Three days after the ceremony, she goes, hey, great news. I found out I'm not pregnant. Which was fucking infuriating. I was more mad at myself for being so stupid. Like, I don't know how I fell for it. Like, I know she can't get pregnant. She's transgender. I don't know how I fell for that. How did I forget she has a dick. That's what I loved about her to begin with. Now my wife's penis, which I realize sounds like the title of a progressive children's book. On the COVID there's a married couple. The woman has a little tent in her dress, and they're surrounded by a diverse group of accepting friends. It's a pop up book. But look, that's what life is, right? Life is random. You don't plan who you're going to marry. You don't see somebody and realize, that's the person I'm going to fall in love with. That's the person I'm going to live my life with. I didn't plan on marrying my wife. Honestly. The first time I saw her, she was just effortlessly winning a swimming competition. And I realized how turned off I was by all those second and third place losers. All these women, glug, glug, glug, glug. Water filling up their vaginas, slowing them down. And there she is, like a speedboat with an uncircumcised runner just cutting down the left lane. And I'm like, who is that gal in first place by 18 laps? Who is that? Why is JK Rowling calling her a C? Thank you guys very much, Tony, thank you for having me back. Come on, ladies and gentlemen. Putting on a clinic two nights in a row. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton? Oh, good Lord almighty. Unbelievable. A bunch bucket pool has to follow that. Live from Madison Square Garden. Make some noise for Sid Claypool, everybody. Sid Claypool is the fourth bucket pull here. Night two. Kill Tony. Madison Square Garden. So my favorite part about driving on heroin is passing the drug, the breathalyzer. My least favorite part is walking the straight line. Can somebody explain Murphy's Law to me? Whatever can go wrong will Go wrong. What about when shit goes right? Sounds kind of pessimistic to me, because When I was 8, my uncle tried to fuck me, but I got away. Sounds like some rules were broken. My best friend, he's a double amputee. His prosthetics, they cost an arm and a leg. Who's charging an arm and a leg? Jeffrey Dahmer. Uh, all right. Okay. Sid Claypool, welcome to the show. Sid, how long you been doing standup? This is my first time ever on stage. Wow. Amazing. What made you choose tonight for a chance to start? I don't know. The reason I even wanted to do comedy was because of the show, and I love it. How old are you? I'm 29. 29. Do you really do heroin? I used to. Okay. How'd you get off? What made. How'd you quit? Well, one day, the last thing. I got into a lot of car accidents when I was on heroin. Yeah. The funny part is, it was never when I was on heroin. It was. I was on Xanax or withdrawing totally. Wait a minute. You're a heroin addict and you had a car? I don't believe that. Yeah, if I had a thing that goes with heroin, the car. This was. This was when the economy was booming. Even the heroin guys. Even the heroin guys had cars, and they were driving, and we liked to have them drive. They fell asleep. They fell asleep at red lights, and we got to wake them up. We'd say, what are you doing here? I'll tell you what. We're gonna make heroin more affordable for you. So you can get off your bird scooter. You know, you kind of look like Johnny Menzel. Maybe Johnny can't sell a punchline, though. More like it. Somebody actually said that earlier. The funniest part about when I got on heroin was it was, like, three months right before COVID I just decided, fuck it, I should start doing heroin. And then I got on it for a while. What's the best part about heroin? Well, I can't tell you the best, but the worst part about heroin is you can never do it again. What do you mean? Like, I'm not. I can never do it again. It's the best thing I've ever had in my life. Right. Have you ever had a Capri Sun? No, but I've had Sunny D. I think that's way better. My man. Wow, look at you. So you really have a friend that's a double amputee, or was that just. That was. That was made for. I made the Jeffrey Dahmer joke. But originally I was. I was trying to think of an arm and a leg joke, and I was coming up with a joke with somebody that's a W amputee, and I couldn't come up with it. I thought of Jeffrey Dahmer, and then I just added the. That would have been a bummer if he was here tonight and he couldn't clap for you. What do you do for a living? I. I rather. I'll talk about anything but that. I got. I got a lot of stories, but not my job. I don't. That's why I have a fake name tonight. Honestly. Oh, nice. All right. Whoa. Mysterious. Well, hey, I actually. I have a story about last night. I was here last night in the comedic section. I didn't buy a ticket. I got out of here. I was pretty fucked up. I was hanging out with a bunch of people. I was drunk as hell. I ran into some homeless woman. She was offering Xanax. Gave her 20 bucks, got two Xanax. I got pretty fucked up. And then on my way home, I don't know what happened. I think I was checking this guy's girl out. He started arguing with me. I started arguing back. We got into a fight. I threw him on the floor. I punched him in the face. And then his girlfriend started choking me out. Okay, where's the good part of the story? But. Well, she bit me. Oh, yeah. And then I spent last night in a precinct after the show. Last night. Awesome, dude. All the fun of. All the trouble of still doing heroin without any of the fun. Wow. Does this sound like somebody you know? This sounds like Little Hunter. Little Hunter Biden. He's back and he's getting bitten by whores in the night. Hey, hey. He paid her 50 bucks on PayPal to bite him. He took care. Melania bites you all the time. I bet you love to get. I love you. I bet you love it. Sid Claypool. Congratulations on your first time ever performing. Here's a little joke book. Boom. Sid. There he goes. Everybody yourself. That guy is a bad True American. Right out of lockdown, right onto msg. You guys having fun here? We're gonna keep it moving along. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go with your next bucket and your. What is going on with this dumb show? Oh, God. What the is happening here? Wow, we get this many fat losers in one fucking place. New York goddamn city. This whole show has been a fucking debacle. And I'm here to set it straight. Fuck you, you're ugly. I got something to say to you motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen. Kill Tony legend Ari Shaffir. This was not scheduled. This is a real interruption happening. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my. You got graphics pyro. Well, I'll tell you what, Tony Hinchcliffe, I see a lot of seemingly brave men up here, but I don't see any balls. Oh, my God. Ari. We are under direct correct orders, and I told you this. The entire show is under orders. There cannot be. They specifically researched the show and they said Ari Shapir cannot show his dick and balls at Madison Square Garden. No, I don't think you guys understand. I'm not kidding. There is literally a $100,000 penalty that I literally have to pay if he shows his genitalia. They have very strict rules. This is the number one arena in the world, and it's written in a cont. Why do you guys want me to pay that money? What is wrong with you? I thought you were fans of the show. This is treason. This is real shit. Don't do it, Art. This place is in a ruckus. Tony, you put me in a tough position with your. With all your gay talk there. I don't want to cost you $100,000. And I guess I'm sorry to you guys. Boo. Boo. Your booze make a good point. This is Madison Square Garden. When Jalen Brunson comes here, he doesn't bring his volleyball, does he? When Billy Joel's here, he doesn't bring the. He wants to bring the violin. And I'm Ari Shafir here. Yeah, no, sorry, buddy. I have no. I literally have no choice. They're fucking. It's. It's 20,000 people yelling at me, man. What? Wait, what? I'm the president of Legion of Escapes, and I can't deny a chance. Wow. Think about the children, Ari. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's happening. It's in paperwork. It's happening. My agents and everybody. Buddy, war it is. No, no. Oh, no, no. Ari, please. Oh, my God. It just hit a man in the face. That guy's mouth. Oh, there's dick flying everywhere. Oh, my God. Oh. Oh, my God. Yes. Wow. Whoa. Tony, I'm a. I'm a changed man. You're a changed man? Yeah. And I know. I know you come from Austin, but over here, the men are a little bit different. That's the fastest transitioning I've ever seen in my life. That was like a drive through transition right there. Oh, no, Ari. Oh, no. I just saw this outside. I just saw this outside, Ari. Wait a second. Wait. That's a vagina. Ari has a vagina. You win the gay vote. You win the gay vote. By the way, nice. Still see a little bit of your balls. By the way, if I get charged this money, I'm gonna kill you. I gotta five on it. I. I thought, oh, now he doesn't want to grab it. Wow, you changed since monkeypox. I'll let you right in front of you. Is that real? Oh, man. Oh my God. Jim Norton is gonna fuck the out of you. I think it would be a real shame if nobody stuck their finger in that. Oh my God. Oh, Harland, the old canary in the coal mine. Oh my God. Oh, the old wettest of the will. Please. Oh my God. Wow. This is kill Tony. Please make some noise for my big brother. Ari Shafir, everybody. What a presentation. Oh my God. Wow. I love that man. Ask, I got. Oh my God, what a show. Who used to come up here and see what waffle house smells like Smothered, covered and pickled. You know what? You know what we've never done before is we've never had an Ari to re transition. We've never segued from one re to another ahri in the show's history. We have a regular on this show, ladies and gentlemen, who's taken it over by absolute storm. He could be one of the fastest rising comedians in the world. He is on a one way ticket to American citizenship. This is the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati. A little about me. I am a chubby chaser. I do have to say it's not too much of a chase. You have some snacks, you're good. I love fat women, you know, and let's be honest, what really happens when women get fat? When men get fat, we lose our dick and then we die. When women get fat, you get more tits, more ass, more delicious. You can never put too much syrup on a pancake. You know what I'm saying? I laugh at women. I like an Adele 2016, you know, with that juicy pussy. I don't want no skinny Taylor Swift pussy dry. You can tell Taylor has that rice cake pussy. You eat Taylor's pussy, it feels like you swallowed cinnamon. You need a glass of water. I love fat women. They're fun. They fart, they giggle. They don't have any stupid rules. I don't eat after six. No, a fat bitch, you put a donut in her mouth, a dick in her ass. And Salavi, thank you very much. Oh my God, what a fucking star. Thank you this is unbelievable. Thank you. Just unfucking believable. Thank you so much. It's crazy trying a joke for the first time in front of 16,000 people, bro. And you really are an assassin. It's already got beats to it. You're absolutely killing. He didn't even know. You know, we had a great talk on the sidewalk last night in front of the hotel, and I go, are you ready for tomorrow night as well? And he go, you know, basically, like, really, I can do tomorrow night too? And because, you know, I sort of surprise these guys with everything. I like to keep everybody on their toes. Here you go. Debuting a whole new minute. 30 seconds. Got crushed. He's Estonian. Is. Yes. And who do you drive for? Uber or who? Dude, you must be the ladies. They couldn't get enough of you. Dude, they loved every second of that. Thank you. You must be fighting them off. No, not at all. It's not looking good out there, Davatel. Really? Yeah. Wow. And I don't have high requirements, you know, I like, you know, parallelize and a full set of teeth, you know. Wow. First time in New York, huh? So you said you love fat girls, right? I love them. Have you tried David Lucas? I could. David Lucas. You will. You will. Easy to change. Stupid laugh, but okay. Which one of the presidents is going to grant me a visa, huh? Oh, I think I know which one. The way you treated fat women was beautiful. And we love them. We. We want fat women to be very happy. We like them. But should they vote? I don't know. What are your thoughts on women voting? Well, you know, it's an interesting concept. What's the what? Who is. What's the what? Who's the. Who's the biggest. Who's. What's the fat. Spit it out, Joe. What's the fat. What's the. I feel like that's what the fat girls say to you after they eat your sandwich. What's the. What's the biggest girl you've been with? I've been with a few tanks myself, you know, as long as I can find the hole. We should bring Ari Shafir back out here. Ari, you've done it again. Thank you so much. You're an unstoppable force. Thank you so much for future American. Ari, Matty. And back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, again. This is crazy. People having their first sets. People that have been prepping for eight years or more. Anything can happen. Make some noise for the kill. Tony debut of Bucket pool number five, Tom Alphano. Everybody Here we go. We're gonna meet Tom. All together now. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Thank you very much. How you doing, New York? Anyway, a little bit about me. I'm actually married, which is weird. Yeah, I don't look like marriage material. I look like I'm weed material. Right? Yeah. I love my wife. She's very cool. But, you know, she's a little weird. Right? Like, my wife, she has this skin cream. It's called snail 97. I thought this must be a creative name for a skin crew. Nope. I read the label. It says 97% snail excretions. She puts the shit on her face. God forbid I ejaculate anywhere near her face. Right. Snail secretion's okay. Tom Alphano, secretary. No way. That's her fucking motto. I know. Thank you. Wow. Tom Alphano, welcome to the show. Tom, how long you been doing standup? Four years. Okay. All right. Amazing, that Tom, huh? Yeah. He found the line in the crowd. No. Snail excretions. Yeah, they got pretty mad about that. Yeah, they turned on you there. Yeah. Did you think about perhaps coming out and smashing a watermelon? Yeah. Yeah, that would be great. That would have been a good. Or doing a perch shampoo commercial. Yeah. Thank you. Yes. Your wife ever mix it up and just smear her face with millipede shit? I don't know. I wouldn't put it past her. You know, I don't know these ladies with their. Tom. Is it weird calling a cat your wife? Yeah, that's pretty weird. It is true. I'd love to know what you do for work. You. I'm guessing something in horticulture. No. I work for the Nassau county government in Long Island. Oh, my God. What the. Do you do for the government? Exactly. I do as little as I possibly can. World's wackiest meter made. What the fuck's going on? I am, as a child of nepotism. My father was a New York State assemblyman. And then, you know, found myself in a job. Bragging rights. That's the way the world works, people. A lot of government up here. Look at Donald Trump Jr. Right, would you. Don't ever fucking talk about my son, ever. Ever. What are you doing here? I thought I drone striked you Years ago. I found this creature. He was in a cave. I said, get rid of him. We would have all been saved tonight from those absolutely embarrassing jokes. What a loser this guy is. What was your real dream? What was your. What was your American dream? It couldn't have been looking like Ron Jeremy with aids? Could it be? No. I mean, I dreamt of being a comedian and being here and thank God Tony, you know, made that possible. What exactly you do for the government with a face like yours? I. I am a legislative liaison. Whoa. What do you do? Escort. Are you in a. Are you in some kind of like Steely Dan cover band or something like that? What do you do for fun? Oh, I. You know, I smoke weed and play video games and do. Do mushrooms, you know. Yeah. Why wouldn't you? The classics. Why wouldn't you? Tony, I got a question for the crowd. Can I ask the crowd, folks, have you ever seen anyone shoplift a George Foreman Grill? Dude, turn around and show them your ass. That's the flattest ass I've ever seen. Oh, my God. There's George Foreman Grill in there for sure. That is absolutely square. Wendy's Burger. That is incredible. You do have what could be the flattest ass in the show's history. Yeah, you know. What am I gonna do? Swats. That's what you need to do. You ever work out? No. Wow. I am skinny, you know? Where'd you get your ass? Ikea, for fuck's sake. Bikini bottom. It is incredible. You have a real weird delivery and tone to you. You're like the guy that molested Mark Normand or something like that. No. Yeah, yeah, I get that a lot. Pedophilia, Comedy. There you go. What is your favorite thing to. What's your favorite. When you get high. Right. What do you like to do? What do you like to do? Movies, food. Oh, movies. Food. Gaming, right? What's your favorite? What's your favorite movie? Have you ever seen Jurassic Park? Yes. I say Jurassic Park. What a film. What an amazing film. Is that bad? It's been lost. It's a lost world now. A lot of people haven't seen it. People don't get it when you make great, great. Some of the best jokes about Jurassic Park, a lot of people say it was one of the better jokes, and that's. That. That. Tom, anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? I used to euthanize dogs. Wow. Wow. This guy is terrible. I'm sorry. We're. We're going to. We're going to get him out of here. Here he goes with a little joke book. Tom Alano. Here you go, Tom. There you goes. Make some noise for Tom. What the. I never would have thought that about him. All right, how about the Legends bucket, huh? Oh, my God. I love this guy with all my heart. Another true Legend of New York, one of my very good friends. You guys have seen him a thousand times on Impractical Jokers. Make some noise for Sal Volcano. What's up, everybody? Give it up for Kill Tony. A lot of people ask me if I'm gay. That's not the fucking punchline. No. I meet a lot of you. I meet a lot of you. I met some of you tonight. You'd be surprised how many times when I meet someone, they ask me if I'm gay. I'm not, but I get it. No, I get. I get it. I mean, I see what you see. You know, mirrors exist. Like, I'm never like, why do people think I'm gay? I'm always like, interesting. Let's chat about it over brunch. No, I really don't know why. I really don't know why. Maybe because I'm into fashion. Like, no, I'm really. I'm really into men's fashion. Maybe that's why. Like, if I saw a guy walking down the street in, like, a beautiful tailored suit, I'd have no issue being like, should I suck that guy's dick? Those are some smart slacks. Should me and this man share a life together? Let me lighten the mood. The death penalty, the way I see it, I do have some thoughts on the death penalty. People don't expect that from me. They're not controversial, though. It's not like, do we have the right to take a life? Do we have the right to play God? It's more about the last meal. We'd agree that this is a murder. A murder is about to happen. Why are we catering it? Why does food even come into play in this scenario at all? It's not even the fact that they get the meal. It's the fact that we give them anything they want. That's insane. Anything they want. It sounds like we feel guilty. Like, look, we're about to put you down in front of these few folks for what you did. But we're great people. So if you fancy a bite to nosh, give a holla. Anything they want is crazy to me. There were nights when I was younger, at the dinner table, my mom was like, you're gonna act like that? Go upstairs. That's it. I didn't get dinner for light horseplay. This guy mows down a half a dozen out of Santander bank. We owe him pumpkin ravioli. Who's running the government? My grandmother. You can kill him, but you gotta feed him. I just took a 23andMe test. Couple surprises got back a couple surprises. First one, 1% French. French. It's fucking 1%. Calm down. I don't know how that happens. How does 1% even happen? Wouldn't my great, great, great, great grandfather give a thumbs up to a French lady at an intersection? Biggest surprise, 8%. 8%. That's significant. 8%. To live 40 plus years and not know that. That was a shocker. And before you get ahead of me, I'm not gonna make some. I didn't hear what he said. Well, all right, all right, here, look, before you even get ahead of me. No, I'm not gonna do that, okay? I'm not gonna make some hack joke about what African American trait I inherited with that's low hanging fruit. You guys are comedy fans. You didn't come here for that. I didn't come here for that. I'm not gonna make that hack joke. I don't care what you say. But if I was gonna make the joke, I tell you guys that I have sickle cell anemia. Only in my large black penis, though. Thank you, msg. Appreciate you. Guys, guys. How fucking cool are these legends coming in? Make some noise for New York's own Sal Volcano. Unbelievable. I love you, brother. The great Sal Volcano, everybody. And now we move to a regular. Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the most powerful regulars in the entire history of the show. Oh, my goodness. Hey, it's my assistant, Andrew Dice Clay, everybody. Wow, this guy did such. Yeah, Tony. Tony gave me the assistant job because I did really good last night, right, Tony? He did such a good job, I gave him a full time job as my new assistant. I mean, you are a little mad that I didn't do some of the poems. I don't know if this crowd would know the poems. Can I borrow a cigarette real quick? Because I gotta get out of here. All right, wait, I'll just. If I could remember them. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuft it eating occurred some way long Came a spidey sat down beside he said hey, what's in the ball? Oh, I got to hear about hickory dickory dock. This chick was sucking my. The clock struck two I dropped my goo I dumped a on the next block oh, maybe they remember this one. Oh, Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone she bent over, Rover took over oh, she got a bone of her rum. All right, I got to get out of here. Tony, thank you for the job. God bless. Thank you, everybody. Fucking New York. New fucking York. Ladies and gentlemen, the first ever comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden. Make some fucking noise. Yeah, really. For one of the best to ever do it. Andrew Dice Clay. What an unbelievable fucking cameo. Jesus Christ. What a show. And again, it continues with a regular. You know, it's a big stage here at Madison Square Garden. There's a lot of space to be used. A lot of comedians, they stand in one spot. Some sit on a stool, some leave the mic in a mic. Stan, I present to you someone that knows how to use this stage to its fullest. This is Casey Rocket. I just want to break you down so badly. All right, cool. Hell, yeah. Very cool. All right. Six laughs. Very fun. All right. Yeah. Just follow Dice Clay. Just follow Dice Clay. Come on, man, get real. I'm doing protest riffs tonight, folks. I got nothing to lose. All right, we're having fun. Protest riffs. Unlike Bob Dylan when he went election I. Except I'm pregnant and addicted to air Duster. I couldn't happen to a nicer guy. I'm not even a comedian. This is a fucking goodwill hunting situation. Tony found me outside Yankee Stadium just riffing in the alleyway earlier. Who's the crab guy? I just wanna. What if Zabumafu was born? Hi. I. Hell, yeah. Big Zabumafu crown. Come on, it's funny you bring that up. I went to the methadone clinic earlier because baby had the shaky and I actually ended up getting a crayon stuck in my dick hole. Fellas, is it just me? Am I getting older? The crayons getting smaller? I. You know, it's Biden's America, though. Thank you. I'm Casey Rocket. We did it. Casey motherfucking Rocket, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Appreciate it. Big riffs, big laughs. Dave, you ever see anything like a KC Rocket before? Oh, my God. I'm still taking it all in. You know, years ago, when you were with the Wiggles, I was going to ask you. You are musical, dude, correct? Yes or no? I am musical. Yeah. I'm musical. You can sing, right? Yeah. Huh? I could sing you something. I could sing you anything if you wanted. Yep. Right? You have any requests, we'll circle back to it. Do you know that. Do you know the Pepto Bismol theme song? Yeah. It's not just for kids. It's not just for guys. It's for girls, too. You got it? Yeah. That was the Pepto P theme song. Yeah. By the way, if Kamala wins, we will make crayons big enough to fit inside your comfortably. You have my word. He's Got my vote. What a guy. What a disgusting promise. We don't want this. No one here wants this. We want colored pencils in this guy's penis. We need that. You can't say colored pencils anymore, Donald. Black pencils. The blackest pencils. Pens, we call them pens. We call black people pens now. That's a new fun racist thing I came up with just now. And please don't actually do that. I regret this. My bad. Hey, Casey, can you hold those gloves out for a second, man? Hold those gloves. I picture you later in an alleyway giving Spider Man a glow in the dark hand job. Andrew Dais Gay. Tony told him to stop. Casey. Rocket, you're a fucking sensation. What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before? The crowd is with you every goddamn time. A true live performer. One more time for the rising star, the shooting star. That was Casey. Rocket. We love you. One more time for Casey, everybody. And a bucket pull has to follow it. Representing section 108, row 5, seat 13, this is the Kill Tony debut of Andrew Parker. Andrew Parker has been selected from the audience. Here he is. How's everybody doing today? I took the bus here today because there's no point in driving. And I got on the bus, it was super crowded. So I got a seat. And right after the next stop, a pregnant lady walked on. So I wasn't sure what to do. I did what I thought anybody here would do. I just closed my eyes and pretended I was sleeping. Yeah. But it didn't work out like that. The lady bent down and was like, I saw what you did, you fucking guinea. So as a prideful Italian, I did what I thought anyone would do. I looked her and said, hey, lady, fuck somebody with a car next time. Yeah. So thank you. I only got a minute. Give me a second. So I don't treat pregnant women like this. I have three kids and a wife. But about two months ago, my son called me in his room at like 4 in the morning and was like, daddy, I'm turning into a skeleton. And I'm like, you're not Luciano. Calm down. And he's like, look. He pulled his pants down and said, there's a bone in my pishy. So I said, all right, let's go to the bathroom. I took him. That was it. We go to school the next day. The first thing he says to the teacher is, I had a bone in my pishy. I turned into a skeleton. Don't worry. Daddy showed me what to do in the bathroom to get rid of it. Now. I'm the dad at school who parties with P. Diddy. That's my time. Guys, Andrew Parker. Rock solid set coming from the audience. Holy shit, buddy. He laid it down. I got a question, Tony. I got a question. Yeah. A, what time does the Frisbee golf start? 12 or B, what time are you massaging Russell Crowe? C, what time do you have to get Andrew Schultz's week? A little later. He likes it, like, two in the morning, you know? Perfect. Perfect. Dude, that was like, an emotional trip to Staten Island. Thank you so much for that. Thank you. Thank you. Awesome jokes. Well delivered. Yeah. How long you been on standup? Since January. So, like, eight months. Whoa. Wow. That's impressive. Impressive. What do you do for a living? I own a med spa. Like both Botox and filler. Okay, that makes sense. He's got great cheekbones, Tony. Look at that. Great, great cheekbones. Nice. It is incredible. How many kids do you have? Three. How old are they? Five. Three and one and a half. Oh, my goodness. Red Band is hard as a rock right now. A young dad. You're too American. Thank you. Thank you. What's your. What's your t. What's your. Hey, you got some tattoos. What do you got? I got a lot. A lot of random ones. What's your most random? What's. What do you got? What do you got? What's your most random? Who's the guy on your leg? I got a. I got a couple of guys on there. Yeah. Who are. That's the question. Who are they? Oh, they're gangsters. Like mobsters. Wow. Yeah. Like the foot clan? Kind of like that. Yeah. Italian foot clan. Who is it really? It's really. You want me to give you. You want me to name him out? Rat? No, Donald. No rats. Oh, my God. I'm joking. We love the Italians. We love the Italians, even though a lot of them are pens. I love the Italians, too. Every Sunday, I go to Buca di Beppo with Hunter. Nice. Andrew, what do you do for fun? Any fun facts about your life or special skills or talents other than standup comedy? Name? Sylvio. But no, not, not. Not much. Just watch my kids destroy the house. I love it. Yeah, I love it. So nothing. Nothing at all? I know I should have prepared for this part. Nothing too crazy. Interesting. You don't have, like, a fake train set or anything like that? No, no, no. He's got to get home and put Christmas ornaments on his house. Exactly. It's early. I got to start getting Halloween Never too Soon. I love it. I love it. Your kids all have Italian names? They do. Luciano, Sienna and Capri. Wow, beautiful. I've driven all of those cars, might as well hit it now, right? Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. And what does your wife do? She introduced injects. Oh, she's one of the injectors? Yeah. And you inject her filled with cum. Exactly. Making movies a bunch, right? Absolutely. Unbelievable. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? You have any special Italian moves like the rigatonian meatballs or the eggplant parmesan? Nah, nothing crazy like that. I'm just telling to get starfish. And I just kept down old school missionary. Keep it American. Wow. Wow. Absolutely easy. Dr. Fauci, is your wife injected? Does your wife have the Botox? She does, she does. So when she orgasm, does it look like this plain stuff? Please, don't stop, don't stop. Please, my lover. Right there, please. Oh, that's the spot. Right there. Luigi, or whatever the fuck your name is, don't stop. Olive Garden. Oh my God. Right there on the bread stick. It's like that. It's very similar. That's what I thought. Very, very similar. Amazing. Well, I mean, it's the. I mean, you might be the most Italian person that's ever been on this show. It's. You have. You're confident. Thank you. You're confident. You're funny, dude. Very tight stuff. Very cool. You're leaving here with a big joke book, buddy. Congratulations. Andrew Parker. Nice one. It's time for another regular. Ladies and gentlemen, it's about to fucking go down. I present to you, perhaps one of the all time great regulars of the show. You're watching him become an international superstar in real time. Made a regular after his first appearance, went viral on his first scheduled appearance and has been absolutely murdering ever since. Madison Square Garden. I present to you, Austin, Texas Zone Cam Patterson. So at the Forum, I had made a joke about having an abortion and Internet got really mad at me. And I want to come out here and tell y'all the truth. I wrote that joke two years ago and now I have a two year old. I was just playing the whole time. And I felt that way two years ago. I wanted to kill that nigga so bad. Listen, I tried everything. Two plan Bs after that bitch of six flags. Every day I fed her papaya every day. If you don't know papaya's cause miscarriages, you welcome, right? I tried so hard to kill this baby and he still came out. He was. Listen, I'm gonna Tell y'all something. He looked just like me. Like. That little baby is my pride in joy, dog. You know what I'm saying? I do all this hard work for my son, like every day, watching him grow up and shit. He just like me. He like rocks just like his father. And when I made that joke, people got so mad. They were like, you a fucked up person for talking about it. But that's how I felt. But I was childish back then. And now that I'm a grown adult, I really understand the errors of my ways. You feel what I'm saying? And before I get out here, I'm going tell y'all one real thing. I just lied dead to y'all face. That baby, he dead as, dog. I'm done. That dead ass baby. Kill them dumb ass babies. Perhaps one of the most pro abortion sets I've ever seen. Hey, I think we found our new mayor. Come on, guys. Absolutely incredible. Cam, you have done it again. I'm going to go to our presidential. Presidential. Presidents here. What do you guys think about that abortion esque set? Abortion is absolutely disgusting. And I've had several. And when someone else does it, I go, hold on a second. That's illegal. When I do it, I go, hey, what would you do? You would do it. Everybody does it. We kind of all love abortion. And I don't. It is discussing it's a sin. Me neither. I hate them. But if you have to do it, you. You do it. You know the current president, believe it or not, he's still the president. Joe Biden. What do you think about a pro abortion set? Well, first of all, I only understood about the first six seconds of Cam set. I heard something. Something abortion. N word. Abortion. But I'll tell you this much. Here's the deal. Here's the deal, folks. I like your style. I think you're making good choices. I think sometimes the baby's not supposed to be here. Sometimes you got to kill them, dog. That's not what I said. That's what that. What you said. Sometimes you got to murder those babies, dog. Right, President? It's still not very close to what I was trying to iterate. Sometimes you got to obliterate unborn babies. Okay. It's nice to see you, Cam. Cam had a full night in New York. Anything crazy happening since you've been here? N. I ain't really. I. I went to. I went to. What? The baseball. The team. The baseball team. The Yankees. Yes. Oh, my goodness. Wow. I went to the game. I had a good time. I liked It. Hell yeah. They got mad. Cause I forgot name of the Yankees, y'all. I enjoyed it. It was cool. Yeah. Hell, yeah. I love it. I love it. Go Yankees. I tell you, Tony, I did not hear a word of your set. Here's why. No disrespect, but the whole time, I have a perfect view of your pants hanging down. Turn around and show them your undies. Hold on. Look at these undies. You gotta see them. I'm not showing. I'm not showing that girl. But just turn around real quick. No, it's not gay. There's a lot of women out there, Cam. Oh, come on. Look, it's gay facing that way because only a bunch of dudes saw it. That's a little Brokeback Mountain sunset right there. Wow. Red, man. Wow. That's like Baskin Robin, Skidmark city right there. You. I only roast this, you honky. You old ass white man, you. Damn. I'm not a good roaster. I just want to cuss people out. Wow. How about that one? You know what that one means? Put a ring on it. What does that mean? I want to marry you, then murder you. You know, Kamala and I had this exact same fight two days ago. Cam, you're an absolute sensation. We've. I've said it a thousand times. You're a superstar. You're a rock star. Great job, buddy. Great job. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Cam Patterson. And now back to a legend that I actually scheduled today. He was in LA yesterday. I gave this guy a call because I've been thinking about him all week, because he's the first guy that ever brought me to New York, put me on shows in New York, took me around New York York. One of my first ever mentors in the business. Him and I worked on about 11, 12 roasts together. A true. One of the great kings of New York, a mentor of mine, one of my best friends flew in and surprised me at lunch today with his presence, the executive producer and creator of the goat roast of Tom Brady and all your favorite roasts. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the roast master, General Jeffrey Roth. Wow. Thank you, Tony. What the. Msg. How did this happen, Tony? How did this happen? You're up here with the leader of the free world, the Republican nominee, and a guy who looks like he works a Ferris wheel in Bosnia. David, tell my brother. Great to see you. Dave, really, I can't believe that you're up here with. You know, you look like you're here to assassinate the impressionists. No, it's great to see Biden, Trump, and Vladimir Gluten coming together for a pow wow. Dave. The bumping Mike brothers have been reunited. Dave, that outfit makes a statement. Yeah, what is it? These kids were dead when I got here. Oh, come on. You could do better than that, Dave. Yes. Dave looks like he sells used respirators. Look at this crew. Wow. Dave looks like the scab on Trump's ear. We all know Tony's voting for Trump, but his vest collection is voting for Kamala. I love you so much, Tony. This means so much that you're doing this. I couldn't miss this. I haven't been on stage in a few months. I've been going through a health thing, and you called me yesterday and we got emotional, talking about our old days when we first came to New York, I got on a red eye. I couldn't miss this. You are fucking doing amazing things. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you, buddy. This is incredible. Thank you. Thank you, Dave. You guys know my oncologist, Dave Attell, everybody. Dave. Looks like the tumor they took out of my colon. This is incredibly fun. I feel so lucky to be a comedian. I really do. Tony Hinchcliff, msg. Make and stand up. Great again, guys. Literally, the man himself, the roadmaster general, Jeffrey Ross. There he goes. One more time for Jeff Ross. And it's time for another bucket. Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is going to be our first female comedian of all of the Madison Square Garden shows. Make some noise for Alexa Samino. Alexa Samino or Camino. Oh, my God. Hey, y'all. How we doing? So I actually just got out of a four and a half year relationship. Thank you. Thank you. It's hard when you're gonna spend the rest of your life with that person, you know? But having said that, I've been with the same guy for four years, and I am so ready to see some new dick. Holy shit. No. I learned real quick that my type was anyone who needed a green card. Dude, foreign men hit so different. The migrant crisis has been, like, my favorite thing ever. I'm kind of like the Anthony Bourdain of dick. Instead of a globetrotter, I'm more of a globethoughter. The one thing that does suck about not being a monogamous relationship anymore, so I have to buy condoms, which sucks. But a lot of European guys are not circumcised, so it's kind of like the dick comes with one. Thank y'all so much. I love it. Amazing. Alexa Cimino, welcome to the show. Thank you. How long you been doing standup? Since March. Wow. You just started. What made you want to start now? Well, I originally wanted to be a news anchor, and that pays dog shit. So I decided if I'm going to get. Well, I guess so does comedy. But I figured if I'm going to be working a desk job during the day, I might as well do something else. And I've always been. I don't know. People said I'm funny. Yeah. Amazing. Love the look. Thank you. I feel like a Barbie. I love the look. It's sort of like I Dream of Armenian Genesis. Yeah. Do you always dress like a vase? I do, yeah. It's incredible. You're a real thicky glazer. Thank you. That's so sweet. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? I am a news reporter. Oh, you really are a news reporter? Yeah, I work for a tabloid. Okay. Yeah. Great. Which one? Time. Which one? Highlights or People magazine. For who? Daily Mail. Wow. Yikes. What's the latest? What? Hey, shut the fuck up for a second. What's the latest buzz? Who's the. What's the latest. What's the latest tea? Ooh. Eh. It's okay. I mean, honestly, so much of my day revolves around you two, it's not even funny. You were on in the newsroom 24 7. How's your ear? It's doing very well. He missed and we shot him and killed him immediately and. Ooh, you like that? That changes. That changes the way I thought about you. I thought you were a disgusting bitch until when you cheered there, it excited me. And now I like you. And I thought you did great. Wow. Amazing. You talked about fucking and we love to hear it, don't we? We love to hear the women talk about sex. And we need more female comics to talk about pussies and sex. Thank you. You have any special skills or talents? You good at anything? I'm a sailing instructor. A sailing instructor. Wow. I know. Okay. It's a fun time, right? Couldn't be an anchor, so you stayed on the boat? Yep. That was funny, Tony. Sweet Tony. You deserve more laughter. That was really funny. Thank you, guys. Awesome. Thank you very much. Hey. Hello. Anything else interesting about you? A sailing instructor. That's an interesting one. Oh, this isn't my real hair. Oh, okay. Him neither. Yeah, Join the club. Wow. And so do you have a boyfriend? Have you settled down with any of these migrants you speak of? No. I have, like, 12 boyfriends, though. So it's fun. Wow. Incredible jury. Relax. They know. They know. They know. She works for TMZ and hpv. Amazing Alexa. Very fun stuff. Congratulations. Thank you so much. You just performed at Madison Square Garden. Here's a big joke bug. Oh, so close. Good hands. Thank you so much. There she goes. Ladies and gentlemen, Alexis Cimino. She's to the legends bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat. This dark force of nature famously closed out the Comedy Store for decades. Now he closes the shows in Austin, Texas. I present to you your favorite comedian's favorite comedian, a dark legend of kill, Tony. A man who never holds back and gives the people all the way to the limits what they could possibly fathom. This is Brian Holtzman. I just wanted to fit in with the rest of the retards on this show. I don't have a lot of time, so listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Well, fuck Billy Joel, red band. Tony, your bathroom is not the bathroom with you. He's in the bathroom playing the fucking piano. Your residency is over, bitch. Get the fuck out of here. Repeat after me. Put it on the screen. Billy Joel, go home. Go the fuck home. It's not your fucking house. Brenda and Eddie can fuck themselves. How much you want to bet all the handicapped parking spaces are taken tonight? Do you know when you flush the toilet in New York, it goes straight to New Jersey and they drink it. And when they're done with it, it goes to Philadelphia and they bottle it and sell it to California. Texas is shipping so many illegal assets aliens to New York City that the Yankee stadium has a green card night. Oh, you don't think that's funny, you fucking asshole. Did it go over your fucking head? I went to see that movie, Oppenheimer. Can't these fags in Hollywood tell a story in an hour and a half, three fucking hours? I'm waiting for them to drop those bombs on those flat faced Japs. When are they gonna drop those bombs on those flat faced fucking jabs? You woke fuckers. You ruined. You can't even make a war movie now. So everybody's going to say it at once. Put it up on the screen. Everybody make believe I'm Billy Joel and sing along. Billy Joel could kill somebody on fifth Avenue and you'd still buy Billy Joel tickets. You know how many Ushers have quit because of Billy Joel being here for fucking 10 years. Police officers are retiring because they don't want to work the fucking show. There was a guy who was in Usher. He went home and he heard a Billy Joel song on the radio and he drove his fucking car off the bridge. How much do you like Billy Joel? You don't even jack off when you sweat. Do we really need women's basketball? Some flat ass, skinny fucking bitch throwing a fucking basketball? We got men's basketball. It's like buying an air freshener for a convertible. What do you do after you see a women's basketball game? Go in the parking lot and kill yourself. Women's basketball? Give me a break. Why don't you learn how to cook first, bitch? Why do you want to do men's shit? Why do you want to do men's shit? I'm not used to somebody liking what I have to say. Excuse me, I'm startled. All you got to do in life is mind your own business, your own family's business, be full of love and gratitude and mind your own business. I give abortions in my garage on the weekend. That's my business. That's just your business. I'm getting better at it. If you see that kid coming off the bus with the coat hanger hanging out of his sleeve, that's my work. Yeah. Women shouldn't be doing sports. It's like that bitch who was driving the race car. What was her name? Dacity. Back packety backpack. Every time she got in the race, there was a fucking. An accident. That bitch. 110 pounds, driving a big, big engine. What the. My sister never travels. My sister Terry is here. Teresa, no passport, hates to travel. She was watching the Olympics and she saw that guy with the big hog. Now she wants to go to France and suck his dick. So that's great. I don't know why this is so low. I told him I needed it higher. I don't want to touch it. I don't know how to do anything with my hands. I don't want to fucking. You want to see my impression? This is my impression of Robin Williams. Oh, no. He was a crazy comic. Oh, yeah, he was crazy. He was crazy. Yeah. That's for the real comedy aficionos. My impression of Bob Saget. What did you expect in a Kill Tony show? You motherfuckers. Sit down, you motherfucker. It's kind of hard to concentrate on what you want to say with this, you know? I am so sick and tired of recycling. You're not going to save the fucking blue planet. It's fucking over. Throw it away. Just throw it the fuck away. I need gasoline. I need fuel for my car. I need hot showers. I don't Give a fuck? How are you going to stop cows from farting? They say the temperature is rising in the ocean. What do you want me to do? Go down to 711 and buy ice? What are you telling me this for? I don't have an oil company. The water's. The water level is run. Oh, no. You're losing the right side over there. Hey, fuck yourself. Ladies and gentlemen, the dark force of nature on the uncensored stream, the one and only Brian Holtzman. Ladies and gentlemen. We gotta keep it moving quick. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring up one of our favorite regulars ever here to do a brand new minute. Sing it if you know the words. This is Han Kim. This is Han Kim. This is Han Kim. This is Han Kim. This is Han. This is on skim. This is on skim. Hey, what's up? It's great to see the president's here. We got Kamala Harris running for President now, which is a joke. I think we should have a completely separate political system. Dressed for women. We can call it the W. Usa. You can do all the layups you want over there. We're fighting for oil here. I think a president should be able to stand up when he pees. I don't even know how women pee. I think they just soak their flaps and wait for it to drip down. But I don't get to see a lot of pussies. It's pretty tough for me sometimes. I wish I could take a time machine back to my Asian ancestors before they left Africa and be like, stop moving right now. If you keep going that way, your dicks are going to get smaller. All right, thank you so much, Hans. We're running in overtime. I have to get the show over quickly. I'm going to send you on your way. There he goes, the great Hans. Thank you guys so much. Another regular, actually. Let's bring a legend up, ladies and gentlemen. We're moving fast. You guys having fun? You enjoying this? I present to you one of the reasons why we're all here. This man's mother started the club that I was able to work this show out in here to grace us with his presence. Make some noise for living legend Paulie Shore. I know we're in New York City, you're not supposed to say this, but thank God there's not a another New York fucking comedian on this stage. I need. That wasn't gonna get a laugh. You're supposed to give me a rim shot right there. Anyways, so anyways, thank you guys for coming out my Name is Pauly Shore and this is what I look like now. Thank you. A lot of people ask me every day when I'm gonna do another movie. I'm like, fuck you. Fucking tell me, bro. You know what I'm fucking saying? I'm staying in the East Village. You guys know the East Village? I like the East Village because there's a lot of hipsters. You guys know what a hipster is? They basically dress how I dress back in the fucking 90s. I was there the other. I was there the other day. I saw some guy walking down the street. Look like a fucking Steven Tyler's fucking microphone stand, bro. But I go to this juice bar, this juice bar in the East Village. It's pretty fucking cool. Do you guys like juice bars? Where you walk in, it's like, k, carrots, apples, ginger. The cool part about the juice bar is the dude working there can look at you and tell you what juice he thinks you need based on the pigmentation in your skin. So I walk in last week, I'm like, what the fuck should I get? He goes, bro, you could use a face melter. I'm like, what's in it? He's like, cayenne pepper, oregano, and lemon ginger. It'll build up your immune system. You have aids, right? My name is Paula shorten, not Tony Hinchcliffe, bro. Good night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paulie Shore. We are in the speed round of Kill Tony. Ladies and gentlemen, keeping it moving, I present to you one of the greatest regulars of all time, Kill Tony, hall of Famer and dark roast. God. This is David Lucas. Yeah, I think racism needs to make a comeback. It was better times back then because what would you rather battle racism or this gay shit going on right now? Like, what's scary, A redneck in a pillowcase or a 6, 4 fag with a hard dick. You know what I'm saying? Like, if Lebron James wanted to fuck you, what are you gonna do about it? You gonna outrun this nigga? You gonna out jump this nigga? No, you're gonna be a tired fuck motherfucker. Like, that's why I love carrying a gun, you know what I'm saying? Saying, because my biggest fear is getting beat up by a gay. You know, you imagine some gay grab you and put you in the head, like. And be like, go to sleep. And then he suck your dick. I love having. I love having a belly because I can carry a big ass gun. I put it right below my belly, and when I pull it out my belly. Put one in the chamber. You know what I'm saying? It's like, what's happening? All right, that's my time. Take it. The great David Lucas, Writer, performer. Yeah. Roaster. Hell yeah. Here he is. Here he is live in the flesh. God damn. We got loose neck harid up in this. Hell yeah. That got a pocket pussy on his throat. You gotta that throat to get into the Illuminati. Hey, look who's talking. Look at that hair. Looks like a squid is date raping the back of your head. I mean, the kids love this guy. In the summer, man, they shove a garden nose up his ass and his hair turns into a water wiggle. Dave, necrophilia is when somebody. Your throat. I'm sorry, I misreact. I left the kid in the car. So what's up, dav, man? East Coast. I love it. Yeah. Yeah, it was cool, man. What's up? Joe Biden, Donald Trump. What's up? What's up, David? Aren't you doing Disney's remake of the Kool Aid, man? God damn. Joe Biden. He is. He is. We're working on it. He's going to break in. He's going to break in and he's going to drink himself and you know, David, actually, I was. I was. I've spent billions of dollars on climate change research to get sea levels to stop rising. And, David, that up with one cannonball in the ocean. Joe Biden, you look like Mrs. Doubtfire's husband. Shut your. David, I know you're on tour. Is that why all these Boeing planes are crashing? Wow. Wow. Don't clap at that, y'all. You're a good American. No, they're crashing because you keep hiring. Okay? You know, a can't work on a plane. They can work on a Chevrolet, but not a plane. David, we absolutely. Oh, thank you, man. I know we gotta get out. I hate to cut it. Yes. We're in overtime right now. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Roast God. David Lucas, another amazing Austin comedian. It's crazy what's going on in Austin with Joe Rogan. I would. Tony, I'd love for you to stop talking about Austin for one second. I. I think it's obvious. News York is probably the best. And I will say this. The reason I'm saying this is we don't have absolute cowards like Little Joe Rogan telling us what to do up here. Little Joe, he came in, he said he wants to endorse RFK Jr. Can you believe this? Joe Rogan is an absolute Joke and a complete. And if I ever saw him, I would whoop his ass. What a coward. Joe Rogan, complete coward. And it's frankly is an embarrassment to this country. He used to be such a powerful guy. What a guy. What a great guy. What a. What an amazing American this man is. Joe Rogan, what a true patriot. Great man. I would never say anything negative about this man. What a guy. What a guy. Everybody agrees this is one of the best guys we talk about. We say Austin, Austin, Texas is great. Joe Rogan is great. Frankly, Joe Rogan is the best and everyone knows it. And I love rfk. Who doesn't love rfk? He's a great guy. I know you were butthurt because I didn't endorse you as president, but I. I do want to endorse someone tonight. He wasn't endorsing our. Okay, I'm going to endorse this next gentleman. One of the greatest people that's ever lived. Ladies and gentlemen, Joey Diaz. Oh my God, the king has arrived. What's happening? Joey Diaz. Light the is going on of here. One more time, kill Tony and Brian. Putting this thing together one more time. If I'm your president, we're going to get down. We're going to bring New York to what it was. We're going to throw the migrants out anyway. I love you. I grew up in this. You understand me? Grew up in this. One time I came in here, I had so many Quaaludes in me, they put me in the handicap section. They're like, go over there. You're too up. Another time I used to come here for the circus. Let me tell you something. They had no net. They weren't pussies. If the guy fell, fuck it. The clown swept them off. And then they came to a fucking lion. Kids would be crying. Your kids from the Bronx would be cheering. Yeah, yeah. Kill the fucking whatever his name is, the fucking wizard. I love you motherfuckers. Joe Diaz for President 2025. Joey Diaz. Ladies and gentle ladies and gentlemen, one last special treat before we put a ribbon on this thing. Joey, come hang out with us real quick. Joey. Joey. Joey, come back. All right, ladies and gentlemen, one last special treat for you here to throw out some custom kill Tony fucking Footballs to the audience. I'd like to present to you the quarterback of the New York Jets, Aaron Rodgers, usa. Usa. Roll that video announcing our next fucking arena show shows. Let's get that promo going while this is happening. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron Rodgers, Donald Trump, Joe Biden. Shane Gillis, Adam Ray, the Great Dave Attell, Joe Rogan, Brian Holtzman, Cam Patterson, Casey Rocket, Hans Kim, Paulie Shore, Jeff Rock Ross, Sal Volcano, Ari Matty, Ari Shafir, Jim Norton, Martin Phillips, Joe Derosa, Aaron Belial, Harlan Williams, William Montgomery, the Black Keys, Marcus King, Matt Meuling, John Dees, D Madness, Woo Burros, Perros horn. Michael Gonzalez. On the drums, Heidi and Valerie Vaughan. The Ring Girls. The great Jet Ski Johnson. The artists Ryan J E Belt, Chris Rogers with Art. What a fucking blowout. We love you. God bless New York City. We fucking did it. Comedy history. We love you. Maybe we'll do it again next year, huh? We love you. Thank you. Yeah, we're going to the Heb center again. Tickets go on sale next week, New Year's Eve in Austin, Texas. Thank you to Notorious Productions, the Comedy Store, the entire Shore family. One more time for hall of Famer Adam Ray. Shane Gillis, the Road Semester General, Jeffrey Ross. Two amazing knights from Jim Norton, Brian Redman. I'm Sony Hinchcliffe. Thank you. Good night. Thank you, New York. I love.